In On Becoming Childwise, the authors urge us to parent all four general capacities of our children. The four general capacities are as follows:
1. Physical. It is our duty to nurture and provide for our children’s physical growth and well-being. This includes not only basic food, clothing and shelter, but also healthy eating habits, regular exercise, good hygiene, and all other things related to their little bodies.
2. Intellectual. The authors say that we are required to provide “basic skills, logic, and useful knowledge.” But I would extend this to say that we need to determine how our children learn best. Whether our kids are educated in preschool, private school, public school or homeschool, we need to do more than simply accept the cultural norm. Find the education solution that works best for the individual child (within the context of the family situation, of course).
3. Emotional. I’m a little troubled by what the book says in regard to this capacity: “Parents help their children establish internal controls over both positive and negative emotions,” (p. 66). Maybe I’m misreading it, but it sounds to me like they’re saying our children need to learn to suppress their emotions. I think parenting our children’s emotional capacity is all about accepting our children’s emotions, no matter what. If my child is physically hurt, I’m going to let him cry. Or if a friend intentionally excludes my child in play, I’m going to acknowledge the sadness that it caused. It’s all about showing that emotions are a normal, acceptable part of life. Parenting in this area is also about showing patience and empathy for others. This can be done through modeling this for them, teaching through direct instruction, and correcting behaviors that go against this goal.
4. Moral. I wholeheartedly agree with this statement: “The duty of a parent is to help his or her child internalize virtues that reflect the values of the family and society,” (p. 66).
But ultimately, no matter how we address each area of parenting, we must find a balanced approach. There are some kids who may need more attention in one capacity than another, but we must still address all areas. To spend all of our time and effort helping the child’s intellectual growth while neglecting any moral teachings represents unhealthy, unbalanced parenting. The same holds true for focusing on moral teachings over emotional attention.
The book sums it up nicely:
“All four facets receive attention. None should be neglected, underdeveloped, or overemphasized. Why is that? Because competence and character go hand in hand. You do not want to raise a smart child who lacks integrity. Nor do you want a great athlete with a shallow intellect. Academic skills without values, values without healthy emotions, happy feelings without productivity, and physical stature without moral wisdom all represent developmental imbalances,” (p. 66).
Stop for a minute to think about how balanced your parenting may be. Do you tend to favor one capacity over another? Does your child require more attention in one area than another? If so, are you able to balance out the other areas? Is any imbalance caused by you, society around you, urgings from family members or friends? If so, don’t be afraid to go against the grain and stand up for a whole child parenting approach.