How Reflective Listening Can Help You Communicate More Effectively
Reflective listening is a communication style that can be employed to steer a conversation toward being healthy and productive. It originates from the idea of “client-centered therapy,” the favored method of psychologist Carl Rogers.
This technique is a valuable tool in de-escalating arguments and clearing up confusion. When properly employed, reflective listening will enable you to have a conversation free from emotional triggers and regretful words. It can help you to create a situation where a reasonable understanding can be reached.
We’ve all been part of a conversation that has gone off track and strayed in to unfriendly territory. Once emotions start to flair, it seems that the risk of misunderstanding is high. If things continue to escalate without resolution, abusive language – and even violence – can ensue.
How It’s Done
In effect, reflective listening consists of respectfully listening to someone, thoughtfully considering what they are saying, and confirming with them that you understand what they have said. When a conversation turns volatile, this style of communication can be a saving grace. Follow these guidelines when practicing this method.
- Listen closely to what is being said – be present in the moment and allow the person to fully state their case.
- Observe the person’s body language as well as other cues that can clue you in to how they are feeling.
- Empathize – put yourself in the other person’s place as well as you can to try and understand where they are coming from.
- Restate what has been said and ask if your interpretation is accurate. Paraphrase, using your own words, to show that you are not just parroting what they’ve said, but that you understand.
- Focus on the issue at hand. If the conversation starts to divert from the main point of discussion, steer it back right away. Don’t banter or get sidetracked.
- Be specific. Say exactly what you mean.
- Reduce distractions. Reflective listening is optimally effective when the conversation can take place in a calm quiet environment. Minimize the presence of others, especially those who would interfere in your discussion.
- Acknowledge the other person’s feelings and treat them as valid.
- Stay calm and rational at all times.
How Not to Do It
- Don’t use criticism or judgmental statements. Your goal is to solve the problem at hand, not to assess the person’s character or morality.
- Don’t argue or engage in a debate-style conversation. This idea isn’t to find right or wrong, simply to cut through confusion and achieve true understanding.
- Don’t support them or agree with them if they are complaining. This is a way of enabling them to continue dwelling in the problem instead of working to solve it.
- Don’t feel sorry for the person. You want to empathize, not sympathize.
When you effectively use reflective listening, you avoid the usual pitfalls of communication and take control of the situation. By commandeering the conversation in a positive way, you create a safe place where constructive problem solving can happen.
By engaging someone in this way, you will encourage them to communicate openly in the future – you are setting a new mood for the way your interactions with this person will go.
You will become enlightened as to how they people are really feeling because and emotional behavior usually masks the real problem and conversations blow up into arguments or are ended without resolution because neither party wants to truly empathize or understand.
Successfully employing this method will likely get you noticed in a good way at work. Bosses will see you as a valuable leader if you are able to effectively manage disagreements.
Perhaps most rewardingly, people will want to confide in you because they trust that you will use your reflective listening skills to make them feel comfortable and understood.