he had kept her awake from two o'clock until half-past three that morning , rocking backwards and forwards on the edge of the bed , moaning and crying , saying that he wished he were dead , that he could not take it , that he wished he had never stood for the seat , that he was ruined ... tessa heard fats on the stairs , and tensed , but her son passed the open door on his way to the kitchen with nothing worse than a scathing glance at colin , who was perched in front of the fire on a leather pouffe , his knees level with his chest .