if they hadnt argued , if she could have seen gwalaes one last time , if the guard had never found the pin if hugh could kill gwalaes , he could kill her , if the child were stillborn , he would blame her , if the child were a girl , he would demonstrate his displeasure with his fists and despite the pain of having learned the horrible truth about gwalaes disappearance , eleanor felt incredibly relieved that she hadnt been betrayed after all , although she hated hugh with renewed vigor for trying to make her think she had .