ruined up my whole life for this girl , queen arlene , whod turned into an old lady herself before the ink on my divorce papers with celia had dried , and this , this is what im now thinking about kneeling in that pew , about what id given up and how my family , my real family i mean , was probably being torn apart , being eaten , being raped by looters , i dont fucking know , all while im here on my knees praying next to this woman i still , despite her prayers , cant stand anymore .