i am worried , not only by the thought of my own soul , but , what is still more difficult and important , by the thought of the many frail souls entrusted to my authority as abbess ; all these girls and women whom i serve now , and for whom , one awful and glorious day , i shall be called to make account before the blazing throne of christ ; to account not only for my many and obvious failings , but also temptations and doubts hidden in my heart , known to god alone .