good morning , gentlemen , here i am yet again , right on time , as requested , presenting my good self in the best of health , to reassure the agents of the privy council , her gracious majesty and all that she surveys that i have not left the country , or worse still , decamped to scotland , where it is so cold , how they wear those little kilts and nothing warming their crown jewels i will never know , and how are you today , sir , the keeper of the report book , my god , you call that a wig , it looks like a dead stoat fixed to your scalp shakespeare began to smile at the image .