at the time , he would have given anything just to be accepted : to be one of the lads ; one of the group that slunk off to the far end of the playing field at morning break and smoked cigarettes behind the games hut ; or a member of one of the school teams , football perhaps , who would regularly be bussed off for fixtures at neighbouring schools , returning full of tales of bravado and camaraderie ; or one of the group that hung around outside after school had finished , waiting for their girlfriends to arrive , linking arms and swaggering into town , self-conscious of the admiring glances of their loveless colleagues .