Funny People_2009
<script>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. BEL AIR HOME - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>GEORGE SIMMONS , 42 , sits in a giant living room watching bad television on a 70 - inch flat screen TV . He looks bored and empty . After a few beats he pauses the TV , and picks up the phone .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( on the phone . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Hey, it's George Simmons, I'm coming in.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Shots of George doing stand up on stage at a comedy club . The place adores him . We see quick images of him after the show interacting with people . He is clearly a very famous comedian .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George has sex with a girl in her early twenties .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. BEL AIR HOME - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George sits back down , the thrill of his performance is gone , he is bored and alone again . He hits play on his TV and begins watching his show from the same spot it was at before . MUSIC UP : `` WITH A LITTLE LUCK '' - PAUL MCCARTNEY BEGIN CREDIT SEQUENCE</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. BEL AIR HOME - BEDROOM - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>GEORGE wakes up in a large , clean , modern house . He is all alone . We get the feeling that he hired someone to decorate his house . It is very nice , but does n't seem personal to him at all . It feels new , with all the gadgets , but a little cold . On the kitchen table is a stack of scripts he is supposed to read .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. GEORGE'S HOME - MORNING</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George hits balls in his home batting cage . Then we see him driving golf balls inside there . In the background we see his modern , space ship looking house . It is enormous .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. BATHROOM - LATER</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George walks into a fancy , steam - filled shower .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. CITY STREET - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George drives his large black Mercedes .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. MEDICAL TOWER - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George gets out of his car and walks towards the tower . Two COLLEGE STUDENTS walk over .</scene_description>
    <character>COLLEGE STUDENT</character>
    <dialogue>Hey George, can I get a picture with you?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Sure buddy. Let's do it.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>One of the college students put his arm around George while the other takes the picture .</scene_description>
    <character>COLLEGE STUDENT #2</character>
    <dialogue>Can I get one?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Yeah bud.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>They take the picture .</scene_description>
    <character>COLLEGE STUDENT</character>
    <dialogue>You're the man. We love all your movies, even the last one.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Thanks. Tell your friends.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George sits in the doctor 's office staring at the photos of the doctor with his beautiful young children . DOCTOR STEVENS enters and sits down . He takes a deep breath .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I like those lunestas. They really put me to sleep without giving me the sleeping pill hangover I get from the restorils.</dialogue>
    <parenthetical>( BEAT . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I try not to take them too often. Just when I know I have to get up early.</dialogue>
    <character>DOCTOR STEVENS</character>
    <dialogue>George there are some irregularities in your blood work.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George 's face turns white . He knows what this means . The doctor keeps talking but the sound keeps coming in and out - it is now all a jumble of words . ANGLE ON GEORGE 'S POV We see photos of the doctor 's family , his graduation certificates , files of other cases , odd doctor 's office art , a picture of him skiing with his family . He keeps talking , but now we hear nothing . MUSIC UP - `` MY SHIT 's FUCKED UP '' BY WARREN ZEVON</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. MEDICAL TOWER - MOMENTS LATER</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George walks down the stairs towards the parking lot in a daze . An ASIAN GIRL and her MOTHER and BROTHER see him and start screaming .</scene_description>
    <character>GIRL</character>
    <dialogue>Oh my God. Can you take a picture with me?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Yeah, sure.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>She puts her arm around him . Her little brother jumps in too .</scene_description>
    <character>GIRL</character>
    <dialogue>Thanks. You are the funniest.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Thanks, pal.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. CAR - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George drives home . We hear the voice of his doctor in his head .</scene_description>
    <character>DOCTOR STEVENS</character>
    <parenthetical>( V. 0 . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>It's a rare blood disorder. In the family of Hodgkins disease. We really do n't have a treatment for it. There are things we can try. They're all very experimental in nature.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( V. 0 . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue />
    <character>I don't understand what this means.</character>
    <dialogue>says.</dialogue>
    <character>DOCTOR STEVENS</character>
    <parenthetical>( V. 0 . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I think you need to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Is there someone who can help you get your affairs in order?</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. RALPH'S SUPERMARKET - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>IRA , a 25 - year - old , works at the deli counter , along with CHUCK , a large , sweet - looking 45 - year - old deli counter lifer , and GAIL , a very skinny , very old , straight - talking , humorless woman in her fifties . Ira is in the middle of a very long conversation with a middle - aged WOMAN .</scene_description>
    <character>WOMAN</character>
    <dialogue>Is the turkey organic?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Yes, ma'am.</dialogue>
    <character>WOMAN</character>
    <dialogue>Well what does organic mean?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>It means there's no additives or preservatives and it's hormone free.</dialogue>
    <character>WOMAN</character>
    <dialogue>Are there additives or preservatives in the food they feed the turkey?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't know ma'am.</dialogue>
    <character>WOMAN</character>
    <dialogue>I heard that because turkeys are fatty birds, mercury gets stuck in their fat. My daughter - in - law, she ate turkey and then she had a miscarriage.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I have n't heard about that. But I may not be informed enough to comment.</dialogue>
    <character>WOMAN</character>
    <dialogue>Well, you're not a doctor, so you should n't comment.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>You are correct, I am not a doctor.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. DELI COUNTER - LATER</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira and Chuck are preparing trays of food .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>You should come see me do stand - up tonight at the Comedy and Magic Club.</dialogue>
    <character>CHUCK</character>
    <dialogue>I ca n't go through that again, man, that was painful.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>That was five months ago. I've gotten a lot better.</dialogue>
    <character>CHUCK</character>
    <dialogue>They pay you yet?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Nah, not there. I just hang out and hope somebody does n't show.</dialogue>
    <character>CHUCK</character>
    <dialogue>Wow, is there anyway for you to.be lower in show business? I do n't know if you could even say you're in show business. Why do n't you just fucking settle down and enjoy this gig? This is a sweet situation. The money's good, you've got health insurance.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Dude, I know you like it here but if I have to work here another year I would kill myself.</dialogue>
    <character>CHUCK</character>
    <dialogue>Really? In that case, when we bury you does it have to be in some kind of Jew cemetery? Next to Al Jolson or some shit?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Just come. I need the support.</dialogue>
    <character>CHUCK</character>
    <dialogue>No way. I'm funnier than you. And I'm not even that funny. I would go if I was paying to see me.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I'll pay your cover charge.</dialogue>
    <character>CHUCK</character>
    <dialogue>Okay, well you better be good, because I'm bringing a date.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Laughter's the ultimate lubricant.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. BEL AIR HOME - DUSK</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>An Otis Redding song is playing as George walks around his house in a daze , not sure how to process this . He does n't call anybody . There 's nobody in sight . We see images of him thinking about the unthinkable and the life he 's lead . He sits in his office , surrounded by photos of himself at difference ages . It builds to a sequence of him going through stacks of old photos and watching videos of himself , reviewing his life , trying to make sense of what it all meant . We see clips of his good movies and his last bad movie . On the wall is a poster of a buddy film which shows him and another famous comedian . ON - SCREEN - home video of George at college . George is hanging out with his friends . They are acting goofy , having the time of their lives . George looks very young , skinny , and carefree . Life has never been better . They play a ridiculous drinking game and laugh uproariously . ANOTHER IMAGE - We see a very young George performing stand - up on Late Night with David Letterman . He 's so young and naive , he seems like a completely different person . ANGLE ON George watching silently . He has no idea what to make of this journey of his . END CREDIT SEQUENCE</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. IRA'S BEDROOM - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira sits with one of his roommates , LEO , who is also an aspiring comedian . They sit across from each other , kicking around joke ideas they have , trying to write new ones . We see an entire pitch session play out . Ira 's joke pitches are all over the place . He clearly has n't figured out what his stage persona is yet .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I was thinking about doing something about how I'm not good looking and I'm not bad looking. I'm just good looking enough that if I had a good personality, it could put me over the top. If that was the case.</dialogue>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>Yeah, something about how the uglier you are, the better the personality you need. And the hotter you are, the stupider you can be.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I had a joke once about how you never see incredibly hot, blonde, homeless women. Because someone will always take care of that kind of woman. That woman could be the dumbest person on earth and she will survive in this world.</dialogue>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>Maybe something like. you can be hot and stupid and survive in the world. And you can be smart and ugly and survive in the world. The people who have trouble are the stupid, ugly people.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>That could work.</dialogue>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>Let me keep that one, because I thought of most of it.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>That's not cool. I came up with the concept! What do you got? Let's work on what you have.</dialogue>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>I've got nothing in the notebook. I got drunk last night. But I need material, because I just got spots at the Improv. Budd saw me and approved me. I'm in.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>How could they make you a regular? I got turned down twice.</dialogue>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>Sorry, man. They're only going to let in one chubby, caustic Jew, so I think you're fucked.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Their other roommate , MARK , walks in , waves a check at them .</scene_description>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <dialogue>Hey, dudes. You see this check that I got from my TV show for 25,000 an episode? There was another one of these on the kitchen counter. Did you see it?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>No we did n't see it. Just do n't leave those things laying around.</dialogue>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <dialogue>I would n't leave it around if they did n't give me so many. They give it to me every episode.</dialogue>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>Do n't throw it in our face that you're on a shitty show.</dialogue>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <dialogue>I would n't, if it was a shitty show and not what Time magazine called `` insightful and delightful.''</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I thought you were moving out.</dialogue>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <dialogue>I decided I like it here. Living with you guys keeps me grounded. I do n't want to be the guy living in the house on the hill. Even though I could afford it. Hey, I saw that girl comic you like who lives upstairs. I invited her in. She's here.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>She's in our apartment? I've never even talked to her. I just gave her quarters at the washing machine.</dialogue>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <dialogue>You were right, she is pretty mousy and sexy. You got ta talk to her.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I need time. I have a three - month plan.</dialogue>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <dialogue>I'll give you ten days for your three - month plan, then I am going to fuck her. You ca n't just leave that laying around. Starting right now.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Mark is talking to DAISY , an alternative - feeling , dark - haired girl in her early twenties . His television show is on the TV .</scene_description>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <dialogue>The thing about working on a sitcom is it's 22 weeks a year, so I can do stand - up the rest of the year. But now people want to see me because they see me on a TV show, so I am kind of a draw. Have you seen the show?</dialogue>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't own a TV.</dialogue>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <dialogue>Well I think you can download it to an iPod.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira walks in .</scene_description>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Hey Ira, this is Daisy.</dialogue>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <dialogue>how's it going?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Nice to meet you. I think I gave you quarters once.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira walks over to the kitchen area , takes out a paper cup . He pours some orange juice without looking and the paper cup falls over and spills all over the counter . Mark looks horrified .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <parenthetical>( nervously joking . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Do n't worry, I'll just lick it off the counter.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Nobody laughs . Ira starts wiping up the OJ with a rag .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. COMEDY AND MAGIC CLUB - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Leo is on stage , performing his act , doing well . ANGLE ON Ira watching , both amused and jealous . A MAGICIAN and the EMCEE walks over to him .</scene_description>
    <character>EMCEE</character>
    <dialogue>Schneider did n't show up so, you can do ten minutes after Leo.</dialogue>
    <character>MAGICIAN</character>
    <dialogue>Do n't go long because I have to load pigeons into my suit. I have to let them out or they'll die. I'm not fucking around. So when you get the light, do n't go long. You've got one minute.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>ANGLE ON Leo on stage , doing a few more jokes . A MANAGER walks over to Ira .</scene_description>
    <character>MANAGER</character>
    <dialogue>Hey man. George Simmons just got here, he wants to go up. You're bumped. We'll put you on after George.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Well how long is he going to do?</dialogue>
    <character>MANAGER</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't know. Last night he did five minutes. Last week he did an hour. fie'il do what he wants to do.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Well what about the magician? He just loaded his pigeons. He said I have to get off in ten minutes.</dialogue>
    <character>MANAGER</character>
    <dialogue>I'll have him unload the pigeons. Just be ready.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Leo finishes his set to huge applause then comes off stage .</scene_description>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>That was good, right? Some of the new stuff worked.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I just got bumped by George Simmons.</dialogue>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>Are you serious? Shit - I've got a spot at the Improv, I cant hang out, damn.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>ANGLE ON THE STAGE</scene_description>
    <character>EMCEE</character>
    <dialogue>A lot of times you hear about going to a comedy club and someone exciting shows up. I wo n't lie to you, that usually never happens. But tonight it is happening. Ladies and gentleman, you know him from.</dialogue>
    <parenthetical>( movie credits to go here . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>George Simmons?</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George walks on stage . The place goes crazy . He does some of his normal routine and the audience laughs and is very appreciative . As George continues his act , it starts getting darker and darker until he is talking about death and the lack of meaning in it all .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Ah life. What does it mean? sometimes life makes perfect sense. And then you ` come'.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>ON IRA</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>He's killing the crowd. Jesus, I ca n't follow this shit.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>After completely losing the crowd , and some minor confrontations with audience members , he exits the stage .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Life is n't all about laughs. Crazy shit happens. You've got to be nice to each other. You never know what's going to happen.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira passes George as he heads onto the stage .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Sorry I sucked it up out there. At least they are well rested for you.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira , takes the stage . He starts trying to do his act , but he is unsure of himself and unable to figure out how to take the weird energy of the room and spin it to his advantage . He basically bombs . We reveal Chuck and his date watching , looking miserable .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I'm not good looking. I'm not bad looking. I'm just in the middle. And if I had a personality that was Jut good enough, it would put me over the edge.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>The joke fails . We reveal George also watching him bomb , amused by his struggle . He sees something he likes in Ira .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. PARKING LOT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira walks to his car . In the spot next to him is an enormous Suburban SUV parked in a spot meant for compact cars . It is so close to Ira 's car that it is n't possible to open the door . He hears some banging and odd wails from in the car . Ira knocks on the window . We see that George is sitting in his car in a world of pain . He 's clearly been crying . The knock startles him . He turns to Ira .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Sorry, man. I did n't mean to disturb you. I just ca n't open my door. There's no room.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Oh I'm sorry. Let me pull out.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George pulls the car back ten feet .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <parenthetical>( calling to Ira . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Hey man, you had some funny shit tonight.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Thanks!</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Man, that audience hated you. They really did not like you. They liked your buddy, who looked exactly like you but was funnier. Man, that's going to haunt you. You're going to wake up in six months and think about this night.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Well, I'll probably bomb worse tomorrow and forget about this one.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I'm just fucking with you. You had some funny jokes in there. Good writing.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Well, obviously, I'm a. you know. I grew up on your shit, man.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George just stares at him .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Alright, pal. Do n't worry. Only two hundred people saw that tonight. I'll see you later.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George pulls out , turns the car around , and as he passes by Ira , he steers his car as if he 's going to run him down , and starts screaming .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>You're gon na die! I'm gon na kill you!</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Then he smiles at Ira and drives off . Ira smiles . This is the greatest thing that 's ever happened to him .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. IRA'S APARTMENT - NEXT DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>FULL SCREEN COMPUTER : We see a comedy short made by Leo . It 's very funny .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Holy shit, you got seven hundred thousand hits in four days.</dialogue>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>They put it on the main page at YouTube and it exploded. Which would be awesome if someone would pay me.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>The phone rings .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Hello?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( V. 0 . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Hey, is this Ira?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Yeah. Who is this?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>It's George.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Oh my gosh. Hey, how is it going?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I thought you and Leo were pretty funny last night and I have to do this corporate gig for Apple computers in a couple of days and I thought you guys could write me some jokes.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Definitely. What kind of jokes?</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Leo passes by in the background . We see Ira decide not to include him in this job offer .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't know, about computers and shit. I could mainly do my act but they like it if you talk about them a little.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>No problem. Where do you want me to send em?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>What is your email? I will send you my fax and email and all that.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>It's a. irasexiraÃ‚Â®gmail.com.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( long silence . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I almost just changed my mind. You got to change that.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Ok.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Today. Seriously. Ok. Later.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira hangs up and turns to his friends .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>That was George Simmons. He wants me to write jokes for him.</dialogue>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>Holy shit. That is awesome. You are so lucky.</dialogue>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <dialogue>Are you gon na get to meet him?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't know, but he is gon na send me his email address.</dialogue>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>We are gon na have his email address? I have to send him the link to my short.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Easy. Let me get in there a little more.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. IRA'S ROOM - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira is writing jokes . The camera follows the letters being typed on the computer screen as he types . `` Always erase your web history . I had a girlfriend hit history and see eleven hundred porn sites that I visited in an hour . '' Jonah sticks his head in .</scene_description>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>I got one, but you have to tell him its mine. The best thing about Leopard is it lets you watch a porno, write a porno, shoot a porno, and order a porno all at the same time. And you guys made that possible.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>We see QUICK IMAGES of him typing and printing . He is writing an enormous amount of jokes . Way more than George will ever need . Writing , typing , re - writing in pen , then re - typing , etc. . Ira hesitates , then hits send .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. IRA'S BEDROOM</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira is asleep . The clock says noon . The phone rings . He answers it , groggy .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>There's some funny shit in here. Not a bad ratio of good jokes to shit.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Thanks man. I just want to give you a lot of choices.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Too many choices. I do n't like reading that much. I need like ten good jokes. I'm a little mad you made me read that many to get to ten. But thanks for doing it.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Oh, it was fun to try to write in your voice. I spent the whole night pretending I was you.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>So you cried yourself to sleep?</dialogue>
    <parenthetical>( ALT . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>So you whacked off three times last night? Do n't worry, I'll get you some money. Is five hundred good?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Yeah! That'll work.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I'm leaving at four tomorrow to go to the gig. You want to come check it out, see if your shit works?</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. IRA'S APARTMENT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>CLOSE - UP on their curtains , as they wait for George to pull up .</scene_description>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>Can we go outside and meet him?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>No you ca n't. Because then we look like fans.</dialogue>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <dialogue>Maybe he's seen my show.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>He does n't watch your show. You're show is for eight - year - olds. It's a family show, he does n't watch that shit.</dialogue>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>I'll just go outside and pretend I'm washing my car.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>The Limo pulls up outside .</scene_description>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Holy shit. I feel like my little girl is going to the prom.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT./EXT. LIMO - MOMENTS LATER</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>The door opens , Ira gets in .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>How you doing, you ready for this?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Yeah, this'll be fun.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I think I'm going to have you go on before me to warn them up.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>You do n't have to do that. What if I bomb?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Hey, if you bomb, they'll just be more excited to see me. They'll be so glad your not on stage any more. Then if you do well, they'll be ready for me. Either way, you're helpful.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>I/E PRIVATE JET - LATER The limo pulls up to a private jet . Ira is shocked . A moment later they 're picking up speed to take off . George seems really relaxed . Nothing registers that the jet is going faster and faster and taking off . As they 're having a conversation , Ira seems really freaked out . Ira pretends he is n't .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I like this joke about watching porn and making porn all at the same time. That was a good one.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <parenthetical>( turning white from TAKEOFF . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Oh good. Yeah, I thought you'd like that one. I was really happy with that one.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>You want something to eat? I had them bring Chinese on the plane.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira 's eyes widen . He likes this way of life .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. BALLROOM - LATER</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>DAVE from Apple is walking George and Ira into the room . It 's a giant room that holds a thousand people at banquet tables . ON STAGE - Sting is finishing up a set . This is a huge corporate event .</scene_description>
    <character>DAVE</character>
    <dialogue>Okay, what do you want them to say when he introduces you? Do you have any credits he should mention?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <parenthetical>( long beat . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Uh. credits? I do n't really have any credits. Maybe you could just say I've been working on Apples for so long, my first one weighed more than I did.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Nobody laughs .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>And just say he's a friend of mine, and I think he's funny.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. STAGE - LATER</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira 's on stage doing his act . He tells two jokes that do n't do very well . And then he panics and does the joke about jerking off and shooting a movie all at the same time . ANGLE ON George , shaking his head , amused that he panicked and did one of the jokes he sold to him . CUT TO the wings of the stage . Ira 's walking off stage .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>What the fuck is that? You did three of the jokes that you wrote for me.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I panicked. They just wanted jokes about computers.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>That's why I hired you, to write jokes about computers.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira takes out the long list of jokes he 's written .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>But there's a lot more. The first three on this page. You did n't think they would work, but I think they will. You should just try them.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>They better kill, I'm getting paid a hundred thousand dollars for this.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Are you serious?</dialogue>
    <scene_description>ANGLE ON DAVE on stage .</scene_description>
    <character>DAVE</character>
    <dialogue>Ladies and gentleman, George Simmons.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George does a few Apple jokes that do kill , and then he segues into his normal act . When he wants to be , he is a great performer .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. PLANE - LATER</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George and Ira sit on the plane , on the way back .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>We'll be on the ground in a half hour. Want to go to a bar? Do something fun?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Sure. I like fun.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Here's a grand for the jokes and the gig. Even though you should be paying me after that.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira 's eyes widen .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Good job.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>That's the most money I've ever made doing anything in comedy.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Then this is an exciting moment.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Well, I did n't make a hundred grand like you.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I feel nothing. I remember when a grand was the most exciting thing in the world. I'd go to Red Lobster and go nuts. Now it's just numbers in a bank account. Enjoy tonight. You made a thousand bucks.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>MUSIC UP</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. BAR - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George and Ira enter . People are very excited to see George . They give him a nice table . - George and Ira talk to two women , MANDY and DAWN . They both seem really into George . Ira feels kind of left out . - George focuses on Mandy , flirting and preparing her to go home with him . - The other girl is now talking to a very uncomfortable Ira . She is not into it .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Hey, let's all go back to my house.</dialogue>
    <character>MANDY</character>
    <dialogue>Great!</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <parenthetical>( HOPEFUL . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Yeah, that sounds like a. nice idea.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LIVING ROOM</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Music is playing . Everybody is drinking . Mandy is doing some weird sort of sexy dance for George .</scene_description>
    <character>MANDY</character>
    <dialogue>This house is so big. It's bigger than the college I went to.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Oh there's a whole other wing that you would n't even know existed unless you went through this door.</dialogue>
    <character>MANDY</character>
    <dialogue>I want to see, I want to see.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George and Mandy disappear . Ira and Dawn are left alone .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>You are very pretty.</dialogue>
    <character>DAWN</character>
    <dialogue>I have a boyfriend. Nothing is going to happen.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I did n't say anything was going to happen. I just said you were pretty. How do you even know I wanted something to happen?</dialogue>
    <character>DAWN</character>
    <dialogue>I hope she does n't take a long time.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. GEORGE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George is having sex with Mandy .</scene_description>
    <character>MANDY</character>
    <dialogue>I ca n't believe I'm having sex with Davey!</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>He ca n't believe he's having sex with you.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira and Dawn are watching one of George 's films . Neither looks very happy or comfortable . George enters .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Hey, Mandy thought you left, so she left.</dialogue>
    <character>DAWN</character>
    <dialogue>Really?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Sorry, that kind of stuff happens when you have a big house.</dialogue>
    <character>DAWN</character>
    <dialogue>Oh, well then I guess I better get going?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>You do n't have to go. I'm just saying that she left. I think she left her purse in the other wing. Come with me, let's go get it. Ira watches this, astonished.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT ' D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Did Ira tell you I have a room with all the classic pinball machines and video games?</dialogue>
    <character>DAWN</character>
    <dialogue>That sounds awesome.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Yeah, I got Galaga. Let's go check it out.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George looks over his shoulder at Ira , as if to say , `` A man 's got ta do what a man 's got ta do . ''</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <parenthetical>( to Ira . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Hey do n't go, I'll be back in a second.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira is now watching the end of the movie by himself . George sticks his head in .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>That girl left. You want to talk to me while I try to go to sleep.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira does n't know what to make of this .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I guess so.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. BEDROOM - LATER</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George is in bed under the covers , comfortably laying on his pillow . Ira sits in an easy chair located right next to the bed .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Did you have sex with both of those girls?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I'm afraid I did. I'm sorry. It was just so clear that you were not going to get it done. I figured you would n't mind.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>That is crazy. That is super crazy.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>It was great. It was crazy great.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>How can that even happen? I guess I understand the first one, but why would the second one do it? You probably stink of the first girl.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Well, we took a steam shower together.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>What?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>she had never seen a steam shower before, I told her she should enjoy it.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>She would n't fool around with me because she said she had a boyfriend.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>She told me that too, but she says I was on her and her boyfriend's list of people she was allowed to screw. You'd be surprised how many women have me on that list.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I should get going.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Just talk to me before I fall asleep. I'm weird. I do n't like being alone. You should crash in one of the rooms. You're too drunk to drive home. I wo n't try to fuck you, I just fucked two women and I'm kind of done.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I may have to whack it in your guest room.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Whack away, I do n't give a shit.</dialogue>
    <parenthetical>( BEAT . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Hey, you were funny tonight. I could see how you could get good.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Thanks. That was fun. It was rare that I get to play to more than twenty - five people. I've never played for a thousand. it, s kind of easier, because even if two hundred like me, it sounds like a lot.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I do feel bad for you, because no matter how hard you try, you'll never be as funny as me.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Why would you say that?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Did your dad crack you on the head when you were a kid?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>No.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>That's why. My dad always seemed annoyed with me. He'd always crack me on the head. You would not see it coming. I spent my whole childhood trying to make my dad laugh so he would n't smack me. But he was an awesome guy. He was the coolest. He just got annoyed with me. Do you like your parents? They ca n't be that bad, because you're not that funny.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>They're bananas. And always broke. They got divorced ten years ago, but they both act like it just happened last week. They hate each other. They always put me in the middle of it. I always wanted them to say, `` We do n't want you to suffer through this, so we're just going to handle it ourselves.'' They never would do it. They would always make me feel their pain all the time. I would never do that for my kids. Because it's like they. _ `. re kids. And no matter how many times I tell them to leave me out of it, they never do.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira notices that George is very close to falling asleep .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I'll let you crash.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>No, keep going. It's interesting. Tell me about your day job?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Alright. So.</dialogue>
    <parenthetical>( knows he 's a sleeping pill at this point . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I work at a supermarket at the deli counter. I hate it, but the money's actually pretty good. Better than you'd think. But I'd rather do comedy full - time if I could.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>The camera pulls back as Ira continues to talk , and we begin to HEAR George snoring , as Ira continues to talk anyway .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. GEORGE'S HOUSE - MORNING</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George walks into the guest room , where Ira is sleeping .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Hey man, you want to make me breakfast?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>okay.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Do you know how to cook anything?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Eggs.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Okay, let's have some eggs.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>While Ira is cooking , George takes a lot of pills .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>What are you doing, man? Are those vitamins?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>No. Medicine. I'm sick.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>What do you got?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I've got some crazy blood disease. They think I'm going to die in six months to a year. Some weird thing, almost nobody has it. All these are experimental.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Are you fucking with me? That's not funny, man.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>No, I'm telling you the truth.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I never heard that before. That would be a big deal.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I have n't told anybody yet. I do n't think I'm going to.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>You're not going to tell anybody? You told me.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Well it's easier with you because I do n't know you. I do n't feel weird around you. I do n't want to be treated like a guy who's going to die.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't know, man. I do n't think you want to go through this alone. I think you've got to tell people. Your family. Your friends.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Actually, the reason why I only told you is I need you to do me a favor.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>What? Anything, man.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I ca n't imagine suffering through the final stages of this. So. I was going to ask you if you would be willing. to euthanize me.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>What does that mean?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Kill me. I figured if I found someone that nobody knew that was a stranger, they could get away with it, and I would n't have to suffer. I got a gun that is untraceable. And a silencer. And I thought maybe tonight, I would take a bunch of sleeping pills, and when I slept you would put a bullet in my head.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I ca n't do that!</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I'll give you fifty thousand dollars in cash. You'd be doing me a favor. It would be the kindest thing you could ever do for somebody.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Fifty thousand dollars? Can I at least take a little time to think about it?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Holy shit, you would do it. You were literally thinking about doing it!</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>You're an asshole.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I'm an asshole, you were about to kill me. For fifty grand! That's not even a lot of money.</dialogue>
    <character>IPA</character>
    <dialogue>I just got nervous so I was delaying saying no.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>You basically just told me that you were willing to be a murderer. While you're cooking me eggs.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>That's not cool, man. You told me you're going to die and you want me to euthanize you. I almost had a heart attack.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Well, I actually am sick. And I'm not going to survive.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Do n't do this. My friends do this all the time. They trick me, and then they trick me again. I'm very gullible. Do n't do it.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I'm not putting you on, man. Just do n't tell anyone. I mean that. I do n't want people to know about this. I do n't want to feel weird.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira nods okay .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Are you religious? Does that give you any comfort?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Do you really think I'm going to sit here and have a theological conversation with you?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>No.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Maybe later, Father Mulcahy.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>The three friends - Mark , Ira , Leo - smoke pot and have what they think is a deep conversation .</scene_description>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <dialogue>That's so sad.</dialogue>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>If it was me, I would tell everyone. Then everyone would kiss my ass. And take care of me. Tell me how much they love me. Wipe my ass when I had to go to the bathroom. They'd be crying and sad, and that would make me feel really good.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>He does n't want to be that guy. He picked up two girls at a bar. Then he had sex with his. And then he came out and had sex with mine.</dialogue>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <dialogue>In front of you?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>No.</dialogue>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <dialogue>So being terminally ill makes you a cock - blacker?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>No, what I'm saying is. He's so lost right now that he's hiding from the world. And he's trying to distract himself by doing stand - up and having sex with a lot of women. And he does n't want anyone to know but me.</dialogue>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <dialogue>Why you?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Because he does n't know me. So he does n't give a shit.</dialogue>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>That's kind of insulting.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>No, I think we had kind of an instant connection.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>The other roommate , JAY , walks by .</scene_description>
    <character>JAY</character>
    <dialogue>You fucked him?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Shut up, Jay.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Jay keeps walking .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I feel like he's crying out for help, and I can help him. He's made us so happy in our lives, this is our chance to do something from him during this time. There's a lot of wisdom we can take from this. What he's going through. We can apply it to our lives.</dialogue>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>Like how to bang two chicks in the same night, even though you have a terminal disease?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>No, what is life all about? What is important? How should we decide to live this precious life? REVEAL that Mark is crying.</dialogue>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <dialogue>Do n't talk about this shit when we're high. It really freaks me out and it makes me sad and it scares me. I do n't want to talk about this shit.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>That's why we should talk about it! You ca n't run from it, man. This could make us into better people. This is an opportunity.</dialogue>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't want to talk about this shit until I'm 80. I'm 24 years old.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Well I'm going to fucking learn something.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Mark cries even more .</scene_description>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <dialogue>When my grandfather died, we were in a room with no windows. And they said he was dead. And there was a candle. And it started flickering like he was blowing it out. But there were no windows. We all thought that was him going to heaven.</dialogue>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>You have to go through fire to get to heaven? That was n't him going to heaven, that was him going to hell.</dialogue>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <dialogue>Fuck you guys. I was trying to open up. I'll never do it again. You're just being mean because I'm making twenty - five thousand dollars an episode.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. GEORGE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George is bored , playing guitar . He picks up the phone , dials .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. IRA'S APARTMENT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira answers the phone .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Hello.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Hey. You want to see if we can get on - stage somewhere?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Sure.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>MUSIC UP</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. THE IMPROV - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>See quick moments of Ira on stage at the Improv doing a set . Then George does a set , tears down the house .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. GEORGE'S JAM ROOM</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George and a few of his friends are playing a famous rock song for fun . But they are very good . The music continues through the following sequence .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. THE IMPROV - DINING ROOM</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George and Ira are eating with several famous comedians , shooting the shit , having a good time .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. IMPROV -- NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George and Ira are waiting at the parking valet . The car pulls up . As they get in :</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I was thinking about it. I could throw you some money every week for coming up with new jokes for me. Maybe you can organize them in the computer, keep track of what I'm doing.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Absolutely. What do you want to pay me?</dialogue>
    <scene_description>They close the doors , drive off .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I'll throw you $ 1500 a week.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Okay, that could work.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>We can tell that this amount of money could change Ira 's life .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. GEORGE'S LIVING ROOM</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George and Ira are writing jokes . Ira keeps pitching premises/rough joke ideas that George instantly makes ten times better off the top of his head . -LRB- We shoot this process for real with multiple cameras and try to catch lightning in a bottle . -RRB-</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I was thinking maybe you should do some material about what you're going through, being sick. There could be something really powerful, and it would mean a lot to people, that you would share that with them.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I'm just doing stand - up to have fun, forget about it on stage. There's nothing funny about that.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>It could be classic stuff. For the ages.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Fuck classic stuff. Ido n't give a shit what people think of my shit when I'm dead. Why do n't you wait till you're about to die and then you do a bit about it? I'll bet you're about - to - die shit will be funnier than my about - to - die shit.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. COMEDY CLUB</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George and Ira are doing sets again .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. GEORGE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George is making a phoney phone call on a speaker phone . Ira listens .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( Grandmother voice . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I ordered your Roast Beef. And normally it's delicious. But this time I paid a price!</dialogue>
    <character>DELI MANAGER</character>
    <dialogue>I'm very sorry ma'am. What if you come in and I give you a free sandwich?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( Grandmother voice . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Well that's very nice of you. But I have one question for you. Can I get two sandwiches?</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George motions for Ira to do something .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Grandma! Get off the fucking phone. Do n't run up my fucking bill.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira starts slapping his hands together . George screams in pain .</scene_description>
    <character>DELI MANAGER</character>
    <dialogue>Ma'am! Are you okay?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( Grandmother voice . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>This is a family matter! He can hit me if he wants. He's my grandson, and I love him! Now may I give you my name, so you have it on file so I can get my free sandwich? K - A - C - A - H - A - K - R - E - K - K - U - C - T - A - R - S - U - T - A - R - G - M - S. Did you get that? Can you say it back to me?</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. GEORGE'S HOUSE - AFTERNOON</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira enters .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>George? George?</dialogue>
    <scene_description>He walks through the house , finds George in bed . For the first time he seems sick .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Are you all right?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>No, I had a bad night last night. I was sweating though the sheets, could n't stop. So I got up, watched half of a season of The Wire and then I slept till. what time is it now?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>It's three in the afternoon.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I wanted to get up and do something. But I do n't think I have it in me. I may just go back to bed.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Well do you need anything?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Yeah, I need all sorts of things. But nothing you can get me. You should go up anyway. You were in a groove the other night, you do n't want to get rusty.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I. I. ca n't anyway. I'm doing the late shift at the deli counter.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Really? How long you gon na keep that job for? I'm paying you good money. What if someone you perform in front of goes into Ralph's and sees you cutting turkey?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I know, I just want to be safe, make sure I can pay my bills. I do n't like to be nervous about that shit.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I was n't like you. I had a different theory. You've got to spend money to make money. Nothing makes you work harder than being in debt. Maybe we should go buy a Corvette. That'll make you try to be funnier.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. RALPH'S SUPERMARKET</stage_direction>
    <character>CHUCK</character>
    <dialogue>so how much notice are you giving me?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Notice? I'm not giving you any notice. I'm just quitting.</dialogue>
    <character>CHUCK</character>
    <dialogue>You're supposed to give notice. That's what people do.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Why would I give you notice? I'm not trying to stay in Ralph's good graces. I'm not trying to preserve my good standing at Ralph's. I'm just quitting. You do n't quit and then keep working for two weeks.</dialogue>
    <character>CHUCK</character>
    <dialogue>Well I do n't have enough people to cover all your shifts, now I got ta cover them.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I wish I could help you, but I'll kill myself if I keep working here. It's not what I want to do. Maybe Gail can cover my shifts.</dialogue>
    <character>CHUCK</character>
    <dialogue>Gail ca n't work weekends, and my kid's birthday is this weekend. What am I supposed to do?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't know. Get someone to cover from a different Ralph's. There are thousands of them in Southern California. No one else can scoop macaroni into a bowl? I'm not the linchpin that keeps Ralph's from falling into chaos.</dialogue>
    <character>CHUCK</character>
    <dialogue>You're an asshole. You always thought you were slumming it here. Go tell your tucking fart jokes., Get the fuck out of here before I kick the shit out of you.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>You know what? I'm glad you said that, because I was about to tell you I could work this weekend. What's your problem? I did n't say anything bad about you, I just said I did n't want to work for Ralph's anymore.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Chuck takes a step to Ira like he 's going to hit him . Ira steps back a few feet .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I'll tell Dave. I'll tell Dave. I tried to do this politely. The thanks I get.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira walks out the store . As he walks out , he turns to a lady -LRB- in her 40s -RRB- at the register .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>See you, Phyllis. You're nice.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira sees Daisy walking out as he 's walking into the apartment complex . He takes a deep breath , then :</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Hey, Daisy.</dialogue>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <dialogue>Hey -</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Ira.</dialogue>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <parenthetical>( she does n't . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I know.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I was gon na try to hunt down tickets to see Wilco at the Greek Theatre. You want to come? Are you into them at all?</dialogue>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <dialogue>I would love to come. That would be amazing.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Okay. I'll call you with the details. Hopefully I'll be able to get seats which will not require high - powered binoculars.</dialogue>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't care where the seats are. I just like to close my eyes and listen to the music at concerts,</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Perfect. Then I can play you their live album in my car and trick you into thinking we have front row seats.</dialogue>
    <parenthetical>( laughing uncomfortably . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>That wo n't work. That was n't funny at all. I'm gon na leave while I'm ahead right now.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>She smiles . He walks away .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. GEORGE'S HOUSE</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira walks into George 's house .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>George?</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira walks into George 's bedroom . He hears something , pokes his head in . In the dark , he can barely see George making phoney calls by himself . Ira listens for awhile , not sure what to make of this . George does n't see him .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( speaking like an old WOMAN . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I was robbed! One second you're walking down the street with your Visa card, having a grand old time, and then you've got a fucking gun in your mouth!</dialogue>
    <character>VISA LADY</character>
    <dialogue>What's the number of the card, Ma'am?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't know! The thief has the card, why do n't you ask the thief the number of the card!</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George hangs up the phone . He starts dialing .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <parenthetical>( as a Texan . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Ah yes, I came into your comedy club tonight and I was very offended by the performer. I did not pay good money to have the so - called `` comedian'' shake my wife's hand, then smell it and say, `` Did you have fish for dinner?'' That is not my idea of entertainment.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira leaves the room , feeling like he 's intruded on a private moment .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. RED LOBSTER RESTAURANT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George and Ira are eating .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I was thinking you need to tell someone about your situation. your condition.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>No, no. I do n't want to do that.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I feel like maybe you're holding everything in and I can understand why you do n't want to deal with it because why would anyone want to deal with it. But I bet you have a lot of unfinished business with your friends. Would n't it make you feel a lot better to get your affairs in order? What do people do at this moment Do n't they have to do stuff?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't want to do anything. I just want to be in the moment and live every day the best I can. As soon as I confront it with everybody, everything's changed and I ca n't get back.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Everything has changed. At some point you're going to get really sick and you need your friends and family around you. I'm sure there's a lot of business, estate issues, I do n't know. Maybe you'll feel better than if you just deal with everything. Where are your parents?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>P4y parents would drop dead if I told them what was happening. They're in their 80s. They do n't have to go through this. I'll make sure they find out at the last possible second.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Friends?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't think I do. I thought I did. I got a lot of people I know, shoot the shit with, fuck around with. But I realized when this happened I'm not close to anyone. I had no one to call. My friendships are Hollywood friendships. When I was lying in bed I could n't think of one person I wanted to share this with. Maybe it's me, maybe I never got close to anybody.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I think if you talk to people you'd find out a lot of people care about you. You're kind of old already, I mean, compared to me. I'm sure you touched a lot of people's lives. You ca n't spend the rest of your days making phoney phone calls alone in your room.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>The only reason I did that was because I could n't sleep. And I had no one to call.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Well maybe that's the problem. Maybe if you told more people you'd have more people to call. You ca n't just talk to me about it, I do n't know what the fuck I'm talking about. You're the first person I've known who's sick. I'm not good at it.</dialogue>
    <parenthetical>( eyes beginning to well UP . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>You've given me diarrhea, I'm nervous about you and I'm in over my head.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( his eyes begin to well UP . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Do n't cry in front of me, man. I ca n't start that.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I'm sorry.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Seriously. I ca n't. I ca n't have you do that.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George really begins to cry .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Please do n't do that.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <parenthetical>( tears streaming down his FACE . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I wo n't do it, I promise, man.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira wipes the tears from his face . New tears immediately come out .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>That was first and last time. I'm not even crying anymore.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CRYING . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>You're still crying.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <parenthetical>( tears coming down . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I do n't think I am. I think I'm not anymore. I'm not sure what you're talking about.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Okay, as long as we got that straight.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George takes a napkin and puts it over his face .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I'm sorry, George. I really do n't know what to do, I do n't know how to help you.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( his face still in the NAPKIN . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>No, you're right. I really should tell some people. It just sucks, man. It just sucks. And they're going to feel so bad, I do n't even want to look at them and tell them. I'd rather drop dead. of a heart attack and have someone else make the calls. I have to make those calls? This is a nightmare. This is a total nightmare.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Do you want me to call them, and tell them what's going on?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Yeah.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Fuck. I was hoping you were gon na say no.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. IRA'S BEDROOM</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira is on the phone . There is a paper with a bunch of numbers in front of him .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <parenthetical>( into the phone . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Hi, this is Ira, I'm a friend of George's. He asked me to call you.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>His roommates are making a commotion outside . Ira covers the receiver .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Will you guys shut the fuck up? Shut the fuck up!</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira slams the door .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <parenthetical>( into phone . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I'm sorry. I have some news about George.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>TELLING FRIENDS SEQUENCE</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LIVING ROOM</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George sits with THREE COMEDIANS . They are all laughing and telling old sex stories from george 's younger days . Ira sits with them and listens and laughs along .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>So I left the phone off the hook so he could hear me doing it.</dialogue>
    <character>COMEDIAN #1</character>
    <dialogue>That's very gay.</dialogue>
    <character>COMEDIAN#2</character>
    <dialogue>No, it was a buddy thing. It was very heterosexual.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Admit it, you were masturbating.</dialogue>
    <character>COMEDIAN#2</character>
    <dialogue>Of course I was whacking it. What else am I gon na do, not whack it?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>And I kept making her talk and say crazy shit just to make him laugh.</dialogue>
    <character>COMEDIAN #2</character>
    <dialogue>I think at one point you said, `` Say my hog is the biggest you've ever seen.'' And then there is this long pause.</dialogue>
    <character>COMEDIAN#3</character>
    <dialogue>That's a bad sign. If it was big at all she would n't have paused.</dialogue>
    <character>COMEDIAN #1</character>
    <dialogue>Remember you used to have that joke about how you used to only date midgets because your dick looked bigger in their little hands.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>They all laugh .</scene_description>
    <character>COMEDIAN #2</character>
    <dialogue>Yeah, you used to get all the girls, man.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Suddenly the air is out of the room , and it is awkward and sad .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LIVING ROOM</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George is talking to an EX - MANAGER and his WIFE .</scene_description>
    <character>EX-MANAGER</character>
    <dialogue>And I feel horrible about it, but the truth is, I was having some issues with gambling, and you were doing so well - and so I took a million dollar check you got in from the studio and I used it to clear up some debts. And I did it with the intention of paying you right back before you noticed. But you never noticed, and I just never got around to paying you back.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LIVING ROOM</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Allen Covert yells at George for abandoning him .</scene_description>
    <character>COVERT</character>
    <dialogue>You fucking blew us off. You cocksucker.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LIVING ROOM</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George is talking to his sister , LISA .</scene_description>
    <character>LISA</character>
    <dialogue>You have to tell mom and dad.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I will tell them, but right at the end. I do n't want them to go through all this. I ca n't put them through this.</dialogue>
    <character>LISA</character>
    <dialogue>I wish I was n't so mad at you. I want to be there for you, but I am so mad at you.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I wish I was a better brother.</dialogue>
    <character>LISA</character>
    <dialogue>You were n't even a brother. You just left when I was a little kid. You left me there all alone, and you never treated me like a sister again.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>You live so far away. I visited you in Kansas a few years ago.</dialogue>
    <character>LISA</character>
    <dialogue>That was six years ago, and you were only there because you had a concert. My five - year - old has never even met you.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George does not know what to say .</scene_description>
    <character>LISA</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>And I wanted to bring her, but then I thought she would just fall in love with you and get attached, and then what? I did n't want to do that to her.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. KITCHEN</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George and Ira talk in the kitchen while making beverages .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Thanks a lot, pal. This is everything I did n't want to happen. It's like being at my own funeral.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Afterwards you'll be happy you did it.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>No, I wo n't.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LIVING ROOM</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George talks to a FRIEND who rambles on and on talking about his own problems , ignoring George 's .</scene_description>
    <character>FRIEND</character>
    <dialogue>It is such a tucked up situation. Life is fucked. It makes no sense.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Well, I really appreciate you coming by.</dialogue>
    <character>FRIEND</character>
    <dialogue>This is why I ca n't be close with people. What is the point?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Exactly. Well, I really need to rest.</dialogue>
    <character>FRIEND</character>
    <dialogue>The worst part is at night, when the TV gets turned off, and it is quiet.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>It was so good to see you.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George stands up and exits the room . Ira walks over .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I think George is going to take a nap now.</dialogue>
    <character>FRIEND</character>
    <dialogue>Oh, okay.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LIVING ROOM</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>A different FRIEND is talking about their own health issues . He goes on and on about his surgeries and treatments . George does n't say a word .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LIVING ROOM</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George is talking to BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN .</scene_description>
    <character>BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN</character>
    <dialogue>You're about to merge with the eternal. We're all going to die. No one gets out of here alive, right?</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George nods .</scene_description>
    <character>BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>You lived five lives, fucker. You're 200 years old in my book. The fun you've had, the money, the adventures, the women you've known. Who would n't want to change places with you right new?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I guess so, but.</dialogue>
    <character>BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN</character>
    <dialogue>You know what? There is no tomorrow, no yesterday. Only right now, and it's fucking beautiful.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( BEAT . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>You need to shut the fuck up right now. Have you been browsing the self - help section at Barnes and Noble? Is this what you say in between songs these days? I'm going to go right now and delete all your songs off my iPod.</dialogue>
    <character>BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN</character>
    <dialogue>I'm sorry. I did n't know what to say. I just got nervous.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. GEORGE'S BEDROOM</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira is talking George to sleep . He 's gotten good at it . Warren Zevon 's `` Do n't Let Us Get Sick '' plays in the background .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>This is awful. Awful. I hate you for having me do this.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>You have to, you have no choice. You're doing good. And you're almost done, do n't worry.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Well what are we going to do when it's over, when we're done tomorrow? Because then I'm not talking to anyone.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I was thinking we should go skiing somewhere. You're still physically doing well, and that's not going to last forever. You should do something active. Go to Colorado, or Tahoe, or something. Or do something crazy. Go to Switzerland, or Sweden, or wherever they have mountains. I do n't know, I do n't even ski, but you do. Maybe you should do something like that.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira notices George is falling asleep , so he talks more quietly . He 's gotten good at this .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>If it's too hard, we can just ski for an hour or two a day, and then get drunk at the bar. You can hit on hot ski instructors, and then I can masturbate in the room thinking about you fucking hot ski instructors.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>He thinks George is asleep , so he walks out as he speaks .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Whatever. It'll be fun to be in the mountain air, fun to look at the mountains. Maybe you should n't even be here. We can hang out there as long as you want, I got nothing to do.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira closes the door .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George is talking to LAURA , a very pretty woman in her late thirties . Laura is showing George a photo of her two daughters .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Thanks for coming down. You did n't have to do that, i appreciate it.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>I wanted to, I wanted to see you.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything I did to you.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>You do n't have to be sorry, that was like 12 years ago. Everything worked out for the best.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>We see this hurts George .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I screwed everything up. I could have been married to you now.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Do n't do this.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>We could've had a family. I do n't have a family, I'm all alone here.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <parenthetical>( tearing up . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for what's happening to you.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>You know, maybe I deserve it. I screwed up the only good thing that ever happened in my life. I cheated on you. For no reason at all. Just young and stupid. And selfish. I'm sorry.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Maybe I over reacted. I did n't have to leave you.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Yes you did.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>ANGLE ON : Ira sneaking a peak from the kitchen as he makes coffee .</scene_description>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>And the funny thing is. my husband, he is on the road a lot for business. He did the same thing last year.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Did you leave him?</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>No. I have kids now.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>See, that was my mistake. I should have had some kids with you before I cheated. she laughs.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>You were the one and only magic relationship in. my life.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>She starts to cry . He does too . They embrace .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Me too.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>They cry , forehead to forehead .</scene_description>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>There's never been anything like you before or since. I love Chris, but it's not the same. It's fine, maybe it is n't even fine, but we had something special.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I'm so sorry. I really loved you. And I do love you.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>I love you too George. I wish there was something I could do.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Do n't set me up for jokes like that. You're ruining the moment.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>She smiles . They hug .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. IRA'S HOUSE - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira comes home , deep in the evening . He 's eating some food . Daisy walks out of Mark 's bedroom , dressed in Mark 's long - sleeve t - shirt . She 's clearly just had sex .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Hey. How's it going?</dialogue>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <dialogue>Good.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Mark walks out in a bathrobe .</scene_description>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <dialogue>Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were sleeping at your boyfriend's again tonight.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I guess it's been more than ten days.</dialogue>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <dialogue>It's been 21 days. I gave you an extra 11.</dialogue>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <dialogue>What are you guys talking about?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Do n't worry about it, it does n't matter, I do n't give a shit.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Leo walks in the front door .</scene_description>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>I just fucking killed at the Improv. Bud Freidman fucking loves me.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Leo realizes he 's walked into the middle of an awkward moment .</scene_description>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <parenthetical>( HALF - HEARTEDLY . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>They said they're gon na start giving me good spots on the weekends.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I've been getting good weekend spots.</dialogue>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>Well, that's because they think if they book you, George will show up.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>What's with you guys? You both want to fuck my mother too? What more do you want to do to me tonight?</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira walks away .</scene_description>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>I really did kill.</dialogue>
    <parenthetical>( a beat . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Did you guys just bone, or something? I'm getting a little vibe here. It's getting me excited.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - MOMENTS LATER</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira and Daisy are having a heated conversation outside .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>So now you're with Mark? You're his girl?</dialogue>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <dialogue>I just went out with him one night.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>You got a lot accomplished in one night. How did this happen?</dialogue>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <dialogue>He invited me to a taping of his show and we hit it off.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Must have been a great episode. I should get a job on a shitty show so I can use it as foreplay.</dialogue>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <dialogue>What are you talking about? Do n't treat me like that.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I am not treating you like anything. Do what you want. I do n't give a shit. I'll go to Wilco alone.</dialogue>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <dialogue>What planet are you from? The one where everyone is perfect like you, you judgemental fuck?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>How could you do that? I thought we were going out on a date.</dialogue>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <dialogue>We are going on a date. I did n't plan it. Am I not allowed to do stuff because we're going out on a. date? What the fuck's the matter with you?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I bought tickets to Wilco and I worked all week to get a reservation at a place that does n't normally let people like me eat there. I just did n't see this coming. Yes, you're right. You can do anything you want. I'm glad this fucking happened, before I wasted the night with you. I did n't think you were that kind of person. That you would sleep with a guy like that.</dialogue>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <dialogue>He's your roommate. You do n't like him?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>No, I think he's a pussyhound.</dialogue>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <dialogue>Well, I did n't know that. Thanks for the info. I was n't trying to hurt you. It just happened.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>You got excited because he's the star of the show. You literally star - fucked.</dialogue>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <dialogue>Yes, you're right. I'm awful.</dialogue>
    <parenthetical>( CRYING . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Give me a break. I do n't even know you.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira goes into the house . Mark is there .</scene_description>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <dialogue>I told you I was going to give you 10 days. That was three weeks ago.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I thought you were joking.</dialogue>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <dialogue>I did n't know she actually mattered to you. We talk about girls we want to fuck all the time.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I just bought these two Wilco tickets. Wan na go?</dialogue>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <dialogue>I would, but I'm going with Tobey Maguire. He wants me to play his younger brother in some movie.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. SKI SLOPE - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George and Ira are skiing . There is no music , no noise . It is very peaceful . George stops in a spot where he is surrounded in all directions by gorgeous , majestic mountains . He looks around , taking it all in .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. SKI LODGE HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George and Ira are watching videotapes of George doing stand - up when he was much younger . He 's really , really funny . And very skinny , with a much more pronounced New York accent .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>You know, I never got married. I never had kids. I did n't get to do a lot of things I thought I would do. But I was pretty fucking funny, right?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Come on, are you kidding me? We all want to be you. Most of my comic friends are just doing a bad impression of you. People love your shit.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Well, I made a lot of people laugh. I guess that's something.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>It's a lot.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Yeah. I guess so.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>They watch some more and we see a really happy , young George getting big laughs with something really silly .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Look at that crazy motherfucker.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George and Ira start watching the act and laughing along , like any audience member .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. JAM ROOM - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George is singing a happy song with a bunch of musician friends , like a Lou Reed/Velvet Underground -LRB- or Ramones/New York Dolls/Clash/Warren Zevon/Paul McCartney -RRB- song . This music plays over the following montage . MONTAGE</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. GEORGE'S HOUSE - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George walks around his grounds , slowly . And one gets the sense he 's never looked around and seen where he lives before . He likes it .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. IMPROV - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George performs at the Improv . We see him gesture to a woman that she can come up on stage and she hugs him . The crowd erupts . She runs back to her seat . George continues with his act .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. SANTA MONICA MOUNTAINS - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George and Ira hike up a hill .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I never understood why people hiked before. I think I get it now.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <parenthetical>( SWEATING . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I do n't.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. RESTAURTANT - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George and Ira have an uncomfortable dinner with George 's angry sister , Lisa .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. BEDROOM -- NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George is in bed , sleeping . Ira starts sneaking out . George wakes up , calls Ira back to keep talking to him .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. BACKYARD - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George is walking around his yard at night . He 's clearly never walked the grounds at night . He seems at peace .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. GEORGE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Lisa and her husband are now over , and George is talking to them and playing with her two - year - old boy .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. GEORGE'S HOUSE</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George is sitting with his parents . It is clear he recently told them about his situation , and although there is sadness in the air , they look happy to be close for the first time in a long time . George says something that makes his DAD laugh .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. GEORGE'S LIVING ROOM</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira is asleep on the couch . George walks over with a bowl of ice cream . He whacks Ira a few times trying to wake him up , but Ira keeps snoring . George sits down next to the sleeping Ira and watches TV while eating his ice cream .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. BASKETBALL COURT - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George and Ira play basketball . Ira is awful .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. KITCHEN - MORNING</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira is making breakfast . George is all dressed for the day .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>What are you doing?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I'm feeling good, so I'm going to the doctor.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>You're not feeling good?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>No, I'm feeling good. It's kind of weirding me out. I do n't feel sick at all, and it's scaring me. I feel like I'm just going to drop dead. Am I not going to feel bad at all, and then one day wake up dead? It's disconcerting.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE</stage_direction>
    <character>DOCTOR STEVENS</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't want to get your hopes up. We put you on this experimental medication without much optimism, but as of right now I do n't see any traces of the disease in your blood work. I do n't want to speak too soon, but we may have beaten this thing.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Well what the fuck do I do now?</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LIVING ROOM</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira 's eyes are wide with shock .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Oh my god, oh my god!</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira goes to hug George , but it 's a very awkward moment . Ira really wants a happy hug , but George is instantly uncomfortable .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. OFFICE</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George is sitting at his computer . Ira is also seated .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I really want to thank you for your help through this time.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I was happy to help.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Well, you did n't have to, and you were really there for me. I was thinking, maybe we should write a movie together.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Uh - huh.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I feel like I've learned a lot, and I wan na use this good place I'm in right now to do something really creative. I would pay you, certainly. I make, you know, about a million dollars to write a script. I ca n't give you half, but maybe one hundred, two hundred grand, but we'll figure it out.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <parenthetical>( what ? )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Yeah, we'll figure it out.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I thought a lot about my work when I was sick and I'm in sort of a strange place career - wise, because I'm normally the goofy, funny guy and I do n't know if people are expecting a change from me. And I think people are expecting me to evolve, and it's important to evolve before they make a point of asking me why I'm not evolving.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>It's always good to keep breaking new ground.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Is that something they taught you at the deli. I'm not asking you for your advice, I just though we could start trying to come up with an idea.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Well, I'm gon na start thinking. And. I'm really happy for you. Are you freaking out right now?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>It's very strange. It's gon na take me a few days to process it, but it's a gift and I'm going to treat it that way. I learned a lot from being sick and it's gon na help me make some good choices, and be a good person from now on.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. IRA'S PARENT'S DINING ROOM</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira is eating with his fairly young MOM and his step - father BOB .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>And he thanked me for helping him, and I really think I was a help during this time. I'm not saying that's why he got better, but he definitely had good energy and I hear that helps your immune system.</dialogue>
    <character>MOM</character>
    <dialogue>He's going to pay you two hundred thousand dollars to write a movie script?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't know, he said one or two hundred thousand.</dialogue>
    <character>BOB</character>
    <dialogue>One or two hundred thousand? That's pretty vague. That's a wide range. I'd push him toward two hundred thousand if I were you.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Thank you for the advice, Bob. That's very helpful.</dialogue>
    <character>MOM</character>
    <dialogue>This is good because now you can help with your sister's college tuition.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>What are you talking about?</dialogue>
    <character>MOM</character>
    <dialogue>Your younger sister got accepted to Boston University but, as you know, your father and I are n't in the position to pay for it.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>So I have to? I just stopped working at a supermarket two weeks ago. I'm trying to create some financial stability for myself. The first time I make any real money, I ca n't just give it to her.</dialogue>
    <character>BOB</character>
    <dialogue>Well that's very selfish.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Well you guys went on a cruise to Greece last year. Maybe you should n't have gone, and saved for her college education.</dialogue>
    <character>MOM</character>
    <dialogue>Oh, so after all we've done for you, we ca n't have any fun? We should never take a vacation?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I had to drop out of college after two years because you could n't pay for it. Now I have to pay for hers? Let her figure it out. Let her get a job.</dialogue>
    <character>BOB</character>
    <dialogue>I did n't realize I raised such a selfish boy. When I was young I would have done anything for my family.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Then sell your house. Move into a smaller house. Use the extra money to pay for her college. Or tell her to work for a year or two, make some money, then she can pay for her own college. No one helped me out, I'm just digging out from under now.</dialogue>
    <character>BOB</character>
    <dialogue>Do n't get so high up on your horse with all your Hollywood friends. I do n't like what you're turning into.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>One good thing happens to me in my entire life, and you have to try and take it away and ruin it.</dialogue>
    <character>MOM</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't even know where you came from.</dialogue>
    <character>BOB</character>
    <dialogue>Do n't bother showing up for Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is just for families.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. IRA'S BEDROOM - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira is on his computer . Leo and Mark are watching .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <parenthetical>( typing as he talks . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Hey George, we're doing an Orphan's Thanksgiving tomorrow night, want to come? It's just for us losers who do n't have any family to eat with.</dialogue>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>He's not gon na email back.</dialogue>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <dialogue>He's never gon na want to eat Thanksgiving with us.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>The computer BINGS . The guys scream in delight .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <parenthetical>( reading email . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Sure. What time? Do you need me to bring anything?</dialogue>
    <parenthetical>( types back . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>3 O'clock at my apartment. Bring wine that we ca n't afford.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>The computer bings .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <parenthetical>( reading email . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>That's pretty much all wine on earth. See you then.</dialogue>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <parenthetical>( EXCITED . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Email back and say : trying to make a joke. -RRB- If you can, bring that hot chick from your last movie. We definitely have room for her.</dialogue>
    <parenthetical>( ALT . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Well, then maybe just bring grain alcohol then.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>They all start laughing . The computer BINGS again .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <parenthetical>( reading it . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Hey Faggots, I know what you're doing. Stop emailing me. It's not amusing anymore.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>They all start high - fiving .</scene_description>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>He called us faggots!</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. IRA'S APARTMENT - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Mark and Leo are doing the cooking . There a few other comedians -LRB- male and female -RRB- floating around the apartment . Ira watches the parade on TV . Daisy walks up , site down next to Ira .</scene_description>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <dialogue>What have you been up to? I have n't seen you at the Improv.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I've just been busy. Will you excuse me?</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira gets up , walks out of the room .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT./INT. APARTMENT - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George walks up , rings the bell . Inside the apartment he hears a bit of a scuffle , as if the friends are fighting over who can open the door . Leo opens the door , sweaty , with a welt on his face .</scene_description>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>Hey, George. How are you? Come on in.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Then Mark appears from the side , also sweaty , with a welt on his neck .</scene_description>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <dialogue>Happy Thanksgiving? Come on in.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. IRA'S HOUSE - DINING AREA - LATER</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Everyone is seated around the table . It 's very awkward due to George 's presence . It seems to suck the air out of the room .</scene_description>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>We're really glad you could come have Thanksgiving with us. It's a big thrill.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>It's weird, I feel like the old guy in the room. When I started out I was always the young guy. It's strange how fast you become the old guy. And I feel exactly the same.</dialogue>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <dialogue>Well, you do n't know us, but you're with friends and admirers.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I know you, I've watched your show.'' ` Nuff Said.'' It's a good show.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>You do n't have to lie to him. He knows it's not good.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>No, it's good, it's cute. I like it.</dialogue>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <parenthetical>( BASHFUL . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I know it's not that funny, but they do slip in some funny shit in there every now and again.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Do n't be ashamed, it's good. But what about that girl on the show? How old is she? Tell me she's 25.</dialogue>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <dialogue>No, she's 15.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Holy shit! I feel bad. I do n't want to tell you what I did watching that show. Are you serious? She's 15?</dialogue>
    <character>MARK</character>
    <dialogue>No, she's actually 20.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Okay, good. Now I do n't feel so bad.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Their weird friend , FUTORAN , pipes up .</scene_description>
    <character>FUTORAN</character>
    <dialogue>I heard you were sick and now you're better. Is that like, really. what's that like?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>It's kinda like 9/11. You know after 9/11 you kind of liked everybody? But then it went away. It's like that.</dialogue>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>Did you think you were gon na go to heaven? Did you count up your sins?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't believe in any of that stuff, but I was hoping I was headed somewhere. I felt like I was.</dialogue>
    <character>FUTORAN</character>
    <dialogue>I think you just wind up in the dirt. Worm food.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Come on, Futoran, we're about to eat.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Well, it's easy to think that way until you're headed for the dirt. Then your mind opens up a little bit, you know? Maybe it's desperation, or maybe you just start to see more of the big plan. Luckily I got a little more time before I find out.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Daisy pops her head into the room .</scene_description>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <dialogue>Food's ready.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>May I say the prayer?</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Everyone nods yes .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Everyone hold hands. Thank you for the gifts this year. Thank you for.</dialogue>
    <parenthetical>( this . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>And thank you for.</dialogue>
    <parenthetical>( that . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>And hopefully next year I'll get to screw that girl on Mark's show. All our dreams will come true. You guys will get an apartment with less pubic hair on the toilet seat, you'll be able to afford a maid. Maybe next year you guys can get a better celebrity than me. Maybe Wolf Blitzer will come. I also pray that no one put their balls on this turkey, I'm kind of scared you guys are about to give me salmonella poisoning. I know this Orphan's Thanksgiving it's just a normal Thanksgiving for you guys, but it's a very special one for me. I'm very glad to be here. I'm not that glad to be here with you, but I thank you for having me. I'm sure it will be very memorable for you. Now let's find out what Leo's balls taste like.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Everyone 's sitting down watching the football game . George motions to Ira , and then looks at Daisy as if to say , `` Is that the girl you used to like ? ''</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( points at Ira . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>This guy wrote me some funny jokes for that Mac gig. I asked for some jokes and he sent me about a hundred. Seriously.</dialogue>
    <parenthetical>( points at Leo . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>This guy sent me jack shit. If you want to succeed you need a work ethic like Ira over here.</dialogue>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>Why would n't I have sent you jokes? You did n't ask me for jokes.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Sure I did. I asked you and Ira to write me jokes and you flaked.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Leo 's eyes widen with anger .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <parenthetical>( to Daisy . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Ira wrote this joke about Leopard, it was really funny. Do the joke, Ira.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't want to right now.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>It was like, what's great about. Leopard is you can watch a porno, write a porno, shoot a porno, and order a porno all at the same time. This guy's fucking funny.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Leo jumps up suddenly and walks out of the room without saying anything . Ira watches him go , concerned .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <parenthetical>( to Daisy and Ira . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>You guys look like a cute couple, you should go out.</dialogue>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <dialogue>well, the truth is we had a date, but I went out with Mark first and he broke it off.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I did n't expect you to blurt it out like that. That was very honest of you.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>If I did n't go out with every girl one of my friends slept with. let me put it another way. If none of my friends went out with girls I went out with, none of them would have gotten laid.</dialogue>
    <parenthetical>( THEN . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>So, are you guys dating now?</dialogue>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <dialogue>No.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>This is making me uncomfortable. The whole thing, it makes me uncomfortable.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>You guys are young, why are you taking everything so seriously? As someone who's been through a lot recently, let me tell you something. The worst thing you can do is hold grudges and be judgmental. Everyone's making mistakes, everyone's screwing up. You guys are cute together.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George points at Mark .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I know that Mark's not good in bed. Do n't tell me he was a good lay. He ca n't have a big dick. Look at Ira. He's thick. He's got ta have a thick dick.</dialogue>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <dialogue>Actually, I have a really skinny vagina, so I'm not really into thick.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>See? She's funny. She can take a joke, she's not sensitive. I think I'm falling in love with both of you.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George stands .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I'm gon na walk away now, causing an awkward moment, that will be followed by a true moment, filled with chemistry. I'm walking away now. Let the awkwardness begin.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George walks out of the room .</scene_description>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <dialogue>My brother's going to freak out that I met Davey.</dialogue>
    <parenthetical>( to Ira . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Did you go to the Wilco show?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I actually scalped them and made a hundred bucks.</dialogue>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <dialogue>Well at last you did n't lose any money on the deal.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I'm sorry I got so upset with you, because it shows you how much I like you, which is weird because we've hardly spoken. I understand all of that.</dialogue>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <dialogue>Well, attraction is all about smells, pheromones.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Well, you smell right to me.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Daisy smiles at Ira , just as Leo stomps back into the room . He charges right up to Ira , pissed off .</scene_description>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>You're a fucking prick, You're a piece of shit thief motherfucker. You stole a job from me, you stole my joke.</dialogue>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <dialogue>You stole his joke?</dialogue>
    <scene_description>The moment is ruined . Ira does n't know what to say .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Leo pulls Ira into the other room and goes off on him .</scene_description>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>He asked for me to write jokes too and you did n't tell me!</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Uh. yes.</dialogue>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>You. fucker!</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I did n't think you would want to.</dialogue>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>Why would n't I want to? What, I do n't like money? I do n't like private jets?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I'm sorry, it's just, I needed the gig. And you are doing so much better than me. I guess I just wanted this for myself.</dialogue>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>It was n't yours to keep for yourself. You lied to me.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I did. And it was fucked up. And I am sorry. I do n't know what to say.</dialogue>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>Do n't say anything. Just get your shit, and get out of the apartment.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Are you serious?</dialogue>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>You do n't get let off the hook for going into faggy apology mode. That is a terrible strategy. I do n't know what the fuck has happened to you - but my name is on the lease, and I do n't want to live with it.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. CAR - MOMENTS LATER</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira is mad at George for bringing up the jokes .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I never told Leo because I wanted the gig?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I did n't know you were fucking over your friend. Do n't yell at me.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Well I fucking live with you now because he told me to leave.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>He kicked you out for that.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>He said friends do n't lie and I'm fucking with his career.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Well in a way that's a compliment to me because he's so mad he ca n't hang out with me that's he mad at you. That's kind of cool. I got you kicked out.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Fuck off.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. GEORGE'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira is unpacking a dufflebag of clothes he grabbed from his apartment when he was kicked out . George pops his head in .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>This should be comfortable in here. This room is almost as big as your old apartment.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <parenthetical>( through gritted teeth . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Thank you for letting me stay here.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>No problem. Hey, you want to come talk to me while I crash?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>No. You want to come talk to me while I crash?</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. GEORGE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George is under the covers . He turns on the TV and he changes channels until he finds `` Charlie Rose . '' They 're interviewing a reporter from the New York Times about America 's policy towards Pakistan .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>All right, Charlie. Talk to me.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George closes his eyes .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. MANAGEMENT COMPANY - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George stands in the reception area .</scene_description>
    <character>RECEPTIONIST</character>
    <dialogue>Terry's ready for you.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. TERRY DOWD'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER</stage_direction>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I was thinking that now might be a good time for me to make that script `` Making Amends.''</dialogue>
    <character>TERRY</character>
    <dialogue>Do you really think people want to see you make a movie about a guy who goes to AA but is n't really an alcoholic? He just needs the companionship? That's a pretty big left turn.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I got money. I want to challenge myself. You said you liked it.</dialogue>
    <character>TERRY</character>
    <dialogue>You know, I read it four years ago. I need to read it again. I do n't remember not liking it. I just ca n't tell you the studio will make it. Your last few movies did n't do so well.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I thought they did well overseas.</dialogue>
    <character>TERRY</character>
    <dialogue>You always do well in Australia, but that's about it.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>What if I do it for no money, just with back - end?</dialogue>
    <character>TERRY</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't know if that's going to cut it either. The head of the studio does a lot of drinking, I do n't think he finds that whole area funny. Maybe if you commit to do another one of the Davey movies, I could tie it to that, so they have to do both.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I ` vedone four Davey movies.They wantme to do another sequelto that? We do n't even have ascript.</dialogue>
    <character>TERRY</character>
    <dialogue>Wellthere's this great script goingaround town, Happy Holidays. Whichis about an immature 40 year old man who acts like a kid. In it he comes home for the holiday season for the first time in ten years. And havoc ensues. You get to make fun of Thanksgiving, and Hanukkah and Christmas and New Years. They say they can turn it into a Davey movie.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Could I at least shoot the Making Amends movie first?</dialogue>
    <character>TERRY</character>
    <dialogue>No.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Maybe I'll just write something myself.</dialogue>
    <character>TERRY</character>
    <dialogue>I wish you would. You've never been able to do it in the past. You always talk a big game about writing your own shit. But I've yet to see a script land on my desk.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. GEORGE'S HOUSE - DUSK</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George and Ira are sitting at a large kitchen table . There is a computer on the table and index cards . On the floor is a corkboard .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>See, the thing I was thinking, was. you always play an immature guy. What if the joke of the movie is you're incredibly smart, intellectual and well - mannered. You just go the opposite way with it.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>There's nothing funny about being smart. All comedy comes from immaturity. Buster Keaton, Jerry Lewis, the Marx Brothers, WC Fields, Bill Murray, Steve Martin, Charlie Chaplin. They were all immature. They were all knuckleheads. Who wants to see a smart guy live his life normally? What's funny about that? What else you got?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I. I got ta go through my notes.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I'm thinking about taking a gig, and having a solid hit before getting into breaking new ground.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Well we'll still write the script, right?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Yeah, if we can come up with an idea.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Let's just keep banging at it.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I ca n't. I've got a date.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>You have a date? Who do you have a date with?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>This woman my agent set me up with. She raises money for this environmental group. I guess she's like a normal person. I ca n't live here alone in this house forever. I need something of significance in my life. So I'm gon na go out on some dates. No pressure.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>You know what you should do, just as an experiment? You should try and not fuck her?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Why would you say that?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Because you're always saying you do n't know if women like you for who you are. You do n't know if they like you because you have money or you're famous. Why not take some time and get to know them before ass - raping them. In a romantic way.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>That's insulting. Do n't take out your frustrations on me because you ca n't get laid by acting like I'm some sort of deviant. I'm an adult. I have adult sexual relationships. No one does what they do n't want to do. Sex is how people decide if they like each other. I'm testing my compatibility by ass - raping them.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>See, you ca n't do it. You ca n't even entertain the idea of getting to know somebody for a month before sleeping with them.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>That's not true. I'm bored of sex, anyway. There is literally no body - part/orifice combination I have n't experimented with. There is nothing left to do. There is no nationalities I have n't. slept with, no age groups I have n't slept with. I'm fully ready for normal.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>What nationalities have you slept with?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>US. Canada. Mexico. England. France. Spain. North Korea. Burma. Rwanda. Kenya. Tibet. Serbia. Chechnya. Iran. The Green Zone. Darfur. The Killing Fields of Cambodia. Mongolia. What about you?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>New Jersey. Do handjobs count? Because then also California.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. RESTAURTANT - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George is talking with RACHEL WARWICK .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>You know, I have n't been out on a blind date, ever. This may be the first one.</dialogue>
    <character>RACHEL</character>
    <dialogue>Oh I go out on them all the time. I've been on a bunch of J Dates.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>What's J Date?</dialogue>
    <character>RACHEL</character>
    <dialogue>It's a website where Jewish people find each other.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>So it's just a list of all the Jewish people? I thought we did n't liked to be tracked and monitored like that.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>She looks at him , does n't get the joke .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>You know, because of the. holocaust.</dialogue>
    <character>RACHEL</character>
    <parenthetical>( not understanding . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>It's just a great way for like - minded people to meet.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>What if you do n't like Jews?</dialogue>
    <scene_description>She just stares at him .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I'm joking.</dialogue>
    <parenthetical>( a beat . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>So, uh, I hear you raise uh money for an environmental group. That must be very satisfying.</dialogue>
    <character>RACHEL</character>
    <dialogue>It is, because, fixing the environment is really about having enough of a war chest to sue local government and corporations so they're forced to observe the environmental statutes that are already on the books. We also try to put pressure on the government to put pressure on other countries to clean up their environmental act. You know, one dilapidated factory in China can produce more pollution than every car in America puts out in one year.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>See? That's why I still drive a big truck. I stop driving that truck and that factory shuts down.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>`` 79</scene_description>
    <character>RACHEL</character>
    <parenthetical>( not smiling . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I know you're joking, but it's a very serious situation. People like you do a lot of damage to the environment. Whether it's taking a private jet by yourself, or getting driven around town limos around town or living in your gas - guzzling houses. Your carbon footprint is huge.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>You know what they say about people with a big carbon footprint? Big dick.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. IRA'S BEDROOM - MORNING</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George comes in and wakes Ira up .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Come on. We're gon na go do a gig tonight. Up north. And you're gon na open up for me.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>How big a theater?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I think two thousand.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>You should have told me so I could have prepared. I've never played a place that big. How long do you want me to do?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Twenty minutes. Thirty, if you can get there.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Shit.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Dress nice. Tickets are expensive.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't own anything nice.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. CAR - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira is driving George 's Mercedes . George sits in the backseat watching `` Cloverfield '' on a built - in DVD player . We see images of different parts of California .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>How fucking up north is this?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Its near San Francisco.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>So we have like five more hours to drive?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>It's not that far. It's like two more movies.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't like how you made me your limo driver. It's weird you're in the back and I'm up here.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I'd sit up front but the DVD player is back here.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I ca n't even listen to the radio because you're watching the movie. Can I sit back there and you drive?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>No. I'm near - sighted. I'll miss the exit.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>We hear an EXPLOSION from the movie .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Holy shit!</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>What happened?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>The monster showed himself.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <parenthetical>( SARCASTIC . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Great.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. THEATER - DUSK</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>The car pulls up to the theater .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. THEATER - MOMENTS LATER</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>One of the MANAGERS walks George and Ira through the back of the theater toward the dressing room . They walk across the stage and we see the empty 2,000 seat theater . Ira is freaked out .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. DRESSING ROOM</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George and Ira are sitting in the dressing room , nibbling from the fruit tray . There 's a knock at the door . A Security Person escorts Laura into the dressing room . Ira is thrown .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Hey, you made it.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>I would n't have missed it for the world, thanks for inviting me.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>You remember Ira.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Hi Ira. Are you performing tonight?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I'm afraid so. I've been told if I'm good it warms the crowd, and if I'm bad it makes them want George more, so.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>You look great. How are you feeling?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I'm hanging in there.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>I thought a lot about you after I left.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Me too.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Well the show is going to start in a minute, I better get to my seat. I just wanted to say hi. Do n't be too dirty tonight, you know that makes me uncomfortable.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Now I have no jokes. Ira, you have to do an hour and half.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>She laughs .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Come by after and give me the review.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Okay. Break a leg.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>She exits .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>You did n't tell her that you're not sick anymore? Why would n't you tell her?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I need you to do something for me. After your set I gave you a seat right next to her. During the intermission I want yQ.u to tell her I'm not sick anymore.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Me? Why do you want me to tell her?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Because it's weird, and emotional. I think she'll handle it better if it comes from somebody else. And then I can talk to her about it afterwards.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>That's weird.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>She'll be happy. It's not weird. You're the bearer of good news.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>You had to do this to me right before my set. Like I'm not nervous enough.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. THEATER</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira is performing on stage , doing his set . He 's doing really well . This theater crowd is very enthusiastic about being there and gives him the benefit of the doubt on most of his jokes . As he continues his set , he gets more confident and , for the first time in the film , we think he has the potential to be a strong comic .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. THEATER - INTERMISSION</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Laura is sitting in her seat by herself . Ira makes his way across the aisle and sits down next to her .</scene_description>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Ira. Oh my gosh. You were so good.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>You seem surprised.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't know, you seemed so nervous. But you were really solid all the way though, and your ending hunk really murdered.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Thank you. Hopefully George wo n't be mad if I tired the audience out.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't think he has anything to worry about. They always go crazy for him. Before he got famous, he used to bomb all the time. And that's when I think he was the funniest. And now that everyone knows him, it's a little too easy for him, I think. No one was funnier when the audience hated him than George. He loved it.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>So you guys were dating right when he started doing well?</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Yeah. But you always knew he was gon na do well. He had so much charisma. He would walk into a room and in ten minutes that whole room would be about him. Even before anyone knew who he was.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Where did you meet him?</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>I was the hat - check girl at the Improv. And I was acting. I used to do guest spots on all those shows, like Melrose Place, Beverly Hills 90210. I always played the bitch. I do n't know why, but I was on the top of the bitch list.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>You do n't seem like a bitch.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>That's because I was acting.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Sounds like fun days.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>It was, for awhile.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Reveal George in the wings trying to get a look at them from a distance .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't know if you've heard, but it looks like George's medicine is working.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>What do you mean?</dialogue>
    <character>IPA</character>
    <dialogue>When George got sick they did n't think they had any medicine that would help, so they put him on experimental medicine. And the last time he went to the doctor they could n't detect his blood disease. They think it might be gone.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>A moment as Laura takes this in .</scene_description>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Why did n't George tell me?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>He just found out. He does n't want to jinx it. He does n't want people to get excited, and then have it come back again.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>The lights go down .</scene_description>
    <character>ANNOUNCER</character>
    <parenthetical>( O.S . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Ladies and Gentlemen. Here's the man you came to see. George Simmons.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>The place EXPLODES .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <parenthetical>( JOKING . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I thought everyone came to see me.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George begins his act . He could not kill harder . Or look more healthy and charismatic . We can tell it is all a show for Laura . Laura is completely thrown by this turn of events . The content of George 's act is meant to portray him in a more positive , sympathetic light to Laura . He talks about being sick and the lessons he learned in a very dark , hilarious , and also uplifting way . All of it is intended to make him look like he has grown up and become wiser , and someone you could trust and spend your life with .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. DRESSING ROOM - AFTER THE SHOW</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Laura is talking to George and Ira .</scene_description>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>I really do n't know what to say. It's not like you were n't good before, but your act is so much more sophisticated, but just as funny. I've never seen you speak so honestly on stage before. You used to say these goofy jokes. It was really something, you know, and you should be really proud of yourself.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Thanks. A lot has happened. And at least I got some good jokes out of it.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Well, thanks for inviting me. I'm really glad I came.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Ira and I are driving out of town tomorrow, I thought maybe we could stop by your place on our way out. I want to see what the ranch looks like, and meet your husband.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>My husband is actually in China for another week, or so. He spends a lot of time there helping American businesses break into that market. So you wo n't meet him this time, but it would be great if you came by. That would be fun. I'll give you the tour.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Okay. We'll come by in the morning.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Okay.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>An awkward beat . Laura gives Ira a hug goodbye , then hugs George goodbye , trying to make it appear as if they have equal weight .</scene_description>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Bye. I'll see you then.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>She looks at Ira . As she exits -</scene_description>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>You were good too.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Why do we have to stop by there tomorrow? The drive is long enough as it is.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George opens up his wallet , gives Ira a thousand dollars .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Here's your money for tonight. Good job.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I'm excited to see her ranch. I hear it's delightful.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira and George are in a room that has two queen - sized beds . They each lay on their bed in the dark .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Why could n't we have gotten two different rooms?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>What's the fun in that? You can go pay for your own room, I do n't care.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>So, what happened with you and Laura? You seem to get along so well. Why did you cheat on her?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I was young, stupid. and I liked fucking girls. Why do you think I cheated? You would do it too if anyone would fuck you.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>How many times did you cheat on her?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Two or three times. a week. for a couple of years.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Jesus.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>It was awful. There was even marriage talk. My parents did n't want me to do it because she was n't Jewish. She was taking classes to convert, even. I mean, how cool is that? She was changing religions to be with me. She knew more about being a Jew than I did from those classes. She was so cute when she spoke Hebrew, it sounded so wrong.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George says the Jewish grand prayer with a waspy accent .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>And then one day, somebody told her, I do n't know who. And that was that.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Why do you want to go see her tomorrow? We could do something productive like get some writing done.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I like her. I love her. I miss her. I just want to spend a little time with her. I know nothing will come of it. I just miss being around her.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>A beat . George starts clicking through Video On - Demand adult movies .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Anything looking good to you?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't want to watch adult movies with you.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>okay. You want to watch Juno?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Okay.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Juno begins playing .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. LAURA'S RANCH - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George and Ira drive up to the house . It 's a large one - story house that is part of a ranch with a lot of land and a horse stable . They walk to the front door , ring the doorbell . George seems ; a little nervous .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>You okay, buddy?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Yeah, of course I am.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Laura opens the door .</scene_description>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Hi? We've been waiting for you. Come on in.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LAURA'S RANCH - CONTINUOUS</stage_direction>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>This place is beautiful.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Thanks. We've been here for five years. I think I just finished decorating it.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>She leads them through the living room into a huge open kitchen . On the island , there is freshly squeezed lemonade , chips and dip . She has over - prepared for their arrival .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Can I live here?</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>of course, you can clean the stables.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>You have horses?</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Yes. Clarke, my husband, was a real city boy. But for some reason he loves horses. Of course I'm lef t to take care of them. But yes, we have three horses.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>That's crazy, owning a horse. I ca n't even keep a goldfish alive.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>All right, well, we're ready for the big tour. I want to see how you live.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Suddenly , Laura 's five - year - old daughter INGRID runs into the room and she 's pissed .</scene_description>
    <character>INGRID</character>
    <dialogue>Mom! You said you were coming back! We're playing American Idol, you're ruining the game!</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira is shocked to see that Laura has a child . This complicates a situation he already thought was getting too complicated .</scene_description>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>I'll come right up. This is my friend, George. And Ira.</dialogue>
    <character>INGRID</character>
    <dialogue>It's my turn to sing and you're supposed to be the judge and you're not in there and I'm very angry!</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>How old are you?</dialogue>
    <character>INGRID</character>
    <dialogue>Five. But I turn six very soon.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Really? Because I thought you were like nine, about to turn ten.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>She's very pretty.</dialogue>
    <parenthetical>( to Ingrid . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I like your hair.</dialogue>
    <character>INGRID</character>
    <dialogue>I'm so sick of people telling me they like my hair.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George is clearly not that good with kids .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Okay. I do not like your hair.</dialogue>
    <character>INGRID</character>
    <dialogue>Do n't make fun of me.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>He's just joking Ingrid.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>My hair. I have curly hair too. Curly hair is the best.</dialogue>
    <character>INGRID</character>
    <dialogue>Last week my mom straightened it and it almost went to the floor.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>If you straighten my hair, I look crazy. I look like the killer from No Country for Old Men. Have you seen that movie?</dialogue>
    <scene_description>MABLE , Laura 's ten - year - old daughter storms into the room .</scene_description>
    <character>MABLE</character>
    <dialogue>You guys left me all alone in the playroom! If you're gon na leave I'm just gon na go talk on the webcam with Caroline.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Do n't be rude. This is Ira and George.</dialogue>
    <character>MABLE</character>
    <dialogue>Oh, I know you. My mom watches your movies all the time. But most of them I'm not allowed to see.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George smiles at Ira - Laura 's a little busted .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Oh, really? Do you like them? Which one's your favorite?</dialogue>
    <character>MABLE</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't know. I do n't really like the ones I'm allowed to see, but I think I would like the ones I'm not allowed to see. But she says I cant' see them till I'm sixteen.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Sixteen? Just fast - forward past the bad parts.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>The whole thing is a bad part.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George LAUGHS in a slightly flirty fashion with Laura . Ira is getting uncomfortable with the subtext .</scene_description>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT ' D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>C'mon, let's finish the game.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. PLAYROOM</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George , Ira , Laura , and Mable are sitting on the floor . Ingrid stands on a make - shift stage singing a Miley Cyrus song while wearing a feather boa and sunglasses and a red wig .</scene_description>
    <character>INGRID</character>
    <parenthetical>( SINGS . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>You've got the best of both worlds. Rock it out take it slow. And then you rock out the show!</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Everyone applauds for her .</scene_description>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Okay. Now it's time to see what the judges say. I thought you had a lot of energy, you're clearly gon na make it to the final four, and I love your outfit. What do you think, Randy?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Yo, dawg. That was the bomb. It was a little pitchy in places, but I dug it. I really dug it.</dialogue>
    <character>MABLE</character>
    <dialogue>I'm Simon, and I thought it was horrible. I do n't how you made it this far in the competition. I think Paula is drunk. You will never be American Idol.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Mable, stop it. Stop being mean to your sister. Say something nice.</dialogue>
    <character>MABLE</character>
    <parenthetical>( ANNOYED . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>You were good.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Okay, you're not Simon anymore.</dialogue>
    <parenthetical>( to George . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Simon, what did you think?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I ca n't believe I'm saying this, but I agree with Paula. I think you're the one to beat.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>They all applaud . Ira notices Laura looking at George with admiring eyes that reek of more than friendship .</scene_description>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Okay Mable, you're up.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Mable instantly starts gyrating in a manner that is not appropriate for a ten - year - old and singing the Fergie song `` London Bridge . ''</scene_description>
    <character>MABLE</character>
    <parenthetical>( SINGING . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I want to go down like London, London.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>I told you not to do that. Simon, what do you think?</dialogue>
    <character>INGRID</character>
    <dialogue>She was horrible! She's a terrible singer! She's inappropriate!</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Okay, who's next? Randy?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't know, Dawg. It was a bad song choice. I'm not feeling it.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>My turn. Get ready to be blown away.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George gets up on stage .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <parenthetical>( SINGING . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Take me down to the paradise city. Where the grass is green and the girls are pretty. Oh, wo n't you please take me home.</dialogue>
    <parenthetical>( FASTER . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Just an urchin livin' under the street, I'm a hard case that's tough to beat. I'm your charity case so buy me somethin' to eat. I'll pay you at another time! Take it to the end of the line!</dialogue>
    <character>MABLE</character>
    <dialogue>Boo!</dialogue>
    <character>INGRID</character>
    <dialogue>Boo!</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>What? It's Paradise City, by Guns and Roses.</dialogue>
    <character>INGRID</character>
    <dialogue>You sound like a girl!</dialogue>
    <character>MABLE</character>
    <dialogue>Vote him off!</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. RANCH - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Laura sits on a ATV . George sits behind her . Ira is on another ATV with Ingrid sitting in front of him , as he steers . Mable rides a very small dirt bike .</scene_description>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>All right! Here we go.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>They start driving down a path that goes around the edge of the ranch . George has his hands around Laura 's waist as they drive . Ira looks over , concerned .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. BARN - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Laura shows them their horses , chickens , goats and ducks .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. RANCH - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Laura points out a small pond and a fenced - in riding area . Laura slows down and allows Ira , Mable and Ingrid to get ahead and turn a corner . Then she stops the ATV and turns around and kisses George . George looks surprised , but happy . Laura just stares at him , trying to decide what she makes of him now . Then we hear O.S.</scene_description>
    <character>MABLE</character>
    <parenthetical>( O.S . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Mom! Mom!</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Laura hits the gas and they continue the tour .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LAURA'S RANCH - LATER</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>The kids are playing in the background as George , Laura and Ira talk .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Ira, Laura invited us to stay over for dinner.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>But it's like a seven, eight hour drive home. If we stay for dinner, we're not going to get home till like four in the morning.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George stares at Ira for a beat , then -</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Do n't worry, we'll figure it out. You have something to do in the morning?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>No.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Then everything will be fine.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Me and George are gon na go to the supermarket and buy some food so I can cook dinner. You think you'll be okay watching the kids? It'll only take forty - five minutes.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Sure. I'm great with kids. I was a camp counselor for five years. Camp Winadu. Kids love me. I'm like a human teddy bear.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LAURA'S SUV - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Laura is driving through town . George sits in the passenger seat .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>This town is so small and adorable. It's like out of a Demi Moore movie.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Clarke's company is about forty - five minutes from here. This town seemed so perfect when we were looking for a house. There's no traffic, there's one coffee house, one bookstore, one market. No crime. But after you've lived her a few years you hunger for another coffee shop, a bigger bookstore, and a little crime. It gets so boring. And it's such a small town, God forbid you miss one of you kid's soccer games, they put the scarlet letter on you.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>it ca n't be that bad. You live on a pretty little ranch. You have horses, a duck. It must be a nice life.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>We used to have so much fun. I do n't think I have that much fun anymore. I do n't like who I'm turning into. Is the fun over? I have to get up every morning at six, drive my kids to school and then I have 6 hours before I have to pick them up. I have to yell at them to do their homework, be a taskmaster, then I make them dinner. It takes an hour to shower them and put them to bed. And then it's 8:30 and I pass out. And it's great, but tuck. And when both kids are done with high school I'll be 49 years old, and then I'll have probably 6 very healthy years, then I'll kind of slow down and then I'll be an old woman. And that was it. And it's great, but fuck.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I could n't believe you moved out of LA.. You were getting some good jobs as an actress. You got to play the bitch on Melrose Place for awhile and make out with Andrew Shue. That was pretty good. Do you miss it?</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Yes. Being a mom is very fulfilling, but there are other parts of me and every once in awhile I go a little crazy.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>How do you go crazy?</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>I just get bored and depressed. And you know how my PMS is kind of out of control. This little boy hit Ingrid in school, and his mom acted like she did n't care at all, so I told her to fuck off.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>They both laugh .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Oh, that must have gotten ugly. How long did that stay awkward for?</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <parenthetical>( JOKING . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Always. That woman hates me. And I hate her. And now our kids really like each other, so it's really fucked up.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Maybe you were n't acting on Melrose Place.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>She laughs .</scene_description>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Screw you.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LAURA'S RANCH - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira , Mable and Ingrid are making elaborate paper mache heads . As they do it , Ira is leading them in the type of song you would sing at camp .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LAURA'S SUV - DAY</stage_direction>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>And my husband cheated on me, said he did it once but I know because I learned from you, they do it once, they do it all the time. You either cheat or you do n't.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>well I do n't anymore. I have n't cheated on anybody since you. I have n't even been in a committed relationship since you, so it's impossible for me to have cheated.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>That's both flattering and deeply disturbing.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I thought a lot about you when I was sick, and I would do anything for another chance. I know it creates a mess, but I think it would be worth it. I think we both know it's what we should be doing.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>He kisses her .</scene_description>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>We ca n't go the supermarket.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Why?</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Because people will see us.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>So? What's wrong with that?</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Well it'll be weird because we're about to do something we should n't do.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. LAURA'S RANCH - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira , Mable and Ingrid are outside at a table building houses out of Popsicle sticks .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>If you had an Exacto knife we could cut these sticks in half and make a chimney.</dialogue>
    <character>MABLE</character>
    <parenthetical>( SADLY . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>When is George gon na die?</dialogue>
    <character>INGRID</character>
    <dialogue>George is gon na die?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Why would you say that?</dialogue>
    <character>MABLE</character>
    <dialogue>I heard my mom talking to her friend about it on the phone and crying.</dialogue>
    <character>INGRID</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't want George to die.</dialogue>
    <character>MABLE</character>
    <dialogue>What do you care? You just met him.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>George is gon na be fine.</dialogue>
    <character>MABLE</character>
    <dialogue>They told me my grandfather would n't die, but he did.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Here's the truth. George was really sick. But he went to the doctor and they found the right medicine and now he's better. And he's gon na live a long time.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>The kids buy it , and Ira seems relieved .</scene_description>
    <character>MABLE</character>
    <dialogue>I think my mom's in love with him.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira looks doubly disturbed . He quickly goes back to his popsicle sticks .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. LAURA'S RANCH - GUEST HOUSE</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George and Laura park in the driveway , then sneak around to a back guest house .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. GUEST HOUSE - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George and Laura enter the guest house , which has been turned into her husband 's office/playroom/sports - viewing room . On the wall are six enormous flatscreen TVs . The room is also filled with sports memorabilia in Lucite cases and expensive looking sports photography .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Does somebody in your family like sports?</dialogue>
    <scene_description>They start passionately making out , slamming into the flatscreens .</scene_description>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>I really never thought I was going to see you again. I grieved for you like you were dead.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>They continue to kiss . Suddenly she stops .</scene_description>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I ca n't do this.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Then let's not do it.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>She stares at him , trying to figure out what he 's become - is he a good guy or a bad guy ?</scene_description>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>I got ta get back to the kids.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LAtJRA'S RANCH - ENTRYWAY - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Laura and George are walking into the house . They are not holding any bags . They walk into the living room where Ira is making a Spongebob SquarePants puzzle on the floor with Mable and Ingrid .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>You're back. That was quick.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>The town is beautiful.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Where are the groceries?</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>We decided ordering in might be a little more fun.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LIVING ROOM - A LITTLE LATER</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Everyone is sitting on the couch watching Ratatouille on the television . They see car lights in the driveway .</scene_description>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Food's here! All right, everybody. Let's sit down at the kitchen table.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Everyone gets up and heads toward the kitchen . Laura opens the front door , George is a few steps behind her . A handsome man of forty appears . This is not the pizza guy . It 's CLARKS , Laura 's husband .</scene_description>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Clarke, oh my gosh. What are you doing home?</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>The man I was supposed to have a meeting with had a heart attack, if you can believe that. So I decided to try and sneak home for a few days before my next set of meetings.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George appears behind Laura , not knowing what he 's getting himself into .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Oh. Hello.</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>Hello.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Oh, Clarke. George had a performance last night in town, which I went to, and him and his opening act, Ira, came by to say hello on their way out of town.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>There is an awkward moment , then Clarke smiles and gives George a compassionate look , the type of look you give a man you think is dying .</scene_description>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>It is really nice to meet you, George. Laura talks about you all the time, and we're obviously big fans of your movies.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Well, thank you. You've got a great family and a great home.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>I'm so glad you're home, honey.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Laura gives Clarke a hug and a peck . Then Ira walks over .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>What's taking so long with the pizza?</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Before anyone can say anything the PIZZA DELIVERY GUY appears in the doorway .</scene_description>
    <character>PIZZA DELIVERY GUY</character>
    <dialogue>Hi. That'll be twenty - eight forty - seven, please.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. KITCHEN - EARLY EVENING</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Everyone is seated for dinner , including the kids .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <parenthetical>( NERVOUSLY . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>This is really great pizza. Thank you very much. It tastes just like New York pizza, which is so surprising because you ca n't get good pizza in Los Angeles, so you would n't think you could get it in Northern California. But this really tastes like New York pizza.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>A long pause .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Sounds like your business is going very well.</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>People never thought China would do this much business with us, you know, but it did n't seem like a risky proposition for me. They've got a billion people, we make all kinds of cool shit in America, they start finding out about it on the internet and what - not. Sooner or later they're gon na find a way to get our shit.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>He speaks Chinese. For real.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ingrid yells at something in Chinese .</scene_description>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>You do n't think they want new mobile phones? A new X - box? I'm trying to get access into North Korea, no shit. That situation could chance overnight. That is a huge market waiting to be tapped. It's already starting in Cuba.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>My friend backpacked across China and he caught some sort of virus or something from what he ate. He was sickforweeks. He still has it. It ` sthekind of thing you ca n't getridof, you have it for the restofyour life, but it stays dormant.</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>So, George. How are you holding up?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Uh. I'm hanging in there.</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>How are you feeling?</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>He's doing really well. He's been very strong.</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>It's a terrible situation. I'm so sorry.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I appreciate that.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>He's been fighting the good fight. His doctors are taking very good care of him.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira can believe this conversation is happening .</scene_description>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>You're a tougher man than me. I do n't know how I could go about my day with that hanging over my head.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>It just makes you appreciate every moment. It brings things into focus, you suddenly realize what's important in life.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Does anybody want seconds? Or should I bring out the desert?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I'd love desert. What do you have? Do you have any ice cream or cake, or anything like that? I have a real big sweet tooth right now. Why do n't we go into the kitchen and do an ice cream bar with kids right now? I've got a better idea, I make a really good milkshake. We should all go make milkshakes with the kids right now in the kitchen.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LIVING ROOM</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Empty milkshakes litter the coffee table .</scene_description>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>Do you know who might be able to help you? A Chinese doctor. Have you explored Eastern medicine at all?</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Now's not the time to talk about this.</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>I'm trying to help the man.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>No, I have n't.</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>Hey. I'm the last guy who would buy into that shit, but it works.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>He really is the last guy who would buy into that shit.</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>Our country's only two hundred years old. The Chinese have been around for thousand of years figuring this shit out. How I got into it, I had acid ref lux and nothing was working and then this guy at work turned me onto a Chinese doctor and he gave me some herbs that tasted like dogshit, but they worked.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <parenthetical>( NERVOUSLY . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I take herbs for my PMS. They really helped.</dialogue>
    <character>MABLE</character>
    <dialogue>Daddy, you've been cursing a lot. You owe me a dollar for every curse. I think you owe me fifty dollars.</dialogue>
    <character>INGRID</character>
    <dialogue>This conversation is scaring me. I do n't want George to die.</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>You girls can go play in the other room. The Chinese have a completely different way of looking at health. They do n't think doctors should attack the diseases in the body, they're all about trying to support the body and make it stronger, so the body can fight off the disease. It works. I've seen it. I wish I could find a way to mass - market Chinese medicine in this country. Someone's gon na do it and make a fuck - load of money. Because these people get old, really old. You ca n't kill these people.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Either that or they're all young and they just look like shit.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Clarke laughs .</scene_description>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>This guy's funny. You should be opening up for this guy. Hey, who wants a drink?</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. RANCH - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Everyone is taking a walk around the ranch . It is very pretty outside .</scene_description>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>I'm going to retire in seven years. I'm done. I'm playing golf for the next fifty years. Work hard now, then get out. That's my plan. I'm putting in the time. Then I'm getting the fuck out. I do n't like working. I will do it. I like what it gets me. But I do n't like it.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>You ever see Laura act? She was quite an actress in her day.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>George, stop.</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>That's what I hear. Ca n't say I watched that much ` Melrose Place' back in the day. She keeps telling me to watch the videos but, you know, I was never a big ` Party of Five' fan.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Well, I also ran a theatre company. And it was down to me and Cameron Diaz for ` The Mask.' I sacrificed a lot for our family.</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>Okay, if you say so.</dialogue>
    <parenthetical>( a beat . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>The Mask was a funny fucking movie. You know what other movie Cameron Diaz was great in? ` There's Something About Mary.'</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Laura looks livid at her husband 's insensitivity and disrespect . They keep walking .</scene_description>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I love walking it off after a big meal.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>It's beautiful here at night.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>There's no pollution here like in LA so you can actually see the stars.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>They are beautiful, but we have to get going. We have a really long drive to get back to Los Angeles.</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>You ca n't leave now, you wo n't get back until daylight. You should crash in the guest house. I'm sure it not as fancy pants as where you live, George, but it's better than driving all night or crashing at a hotel. And if you want to hang out tomorrow I just installed six flatscreens, we can watch all the football games we want. And dog - racing from Florida. There's a big game tomorrow. Ira, you must have played some ball in your day.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>No, I'm just big - boned.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>We probably should get some rest before the drive. All right, show us to our quarters, sir.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. GUEST BEDROOM - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George sleeps on the bed . Ira sleeps on a couch across the room . The door slowly opens , Laura enters wearing a bathrobe . She walks to the bed and quietly slips under the covers , removing her bathrobe in the process . Without ever speaking , she pulls the covers over both of them and begins to make love to him . George is surprised but not completely shocked and goes along happily with it . ANGLE ON : Ira , he never wakes up .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. KITCHEN - MORNING</stage_direction>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>You sure you ca n't stay?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>We really do need to get back. I have to visit my mom. I ca n't miss it. It's her birthday. Everyone in my family is coming in from across the country for it. She's turning 65. It's very important we get back for it.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>That's too bad, I wish you could stay.</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <parenthetical>( very serious . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I wish I could say I was gon na see you again, but I ca n't say that.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>His eyes start to mist up .</scene_description>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Clarke, do n't. You do n't need to do that.</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>You know what? I think I do need to do that. One thing I learned in China from some Buddhist friends of mine is it's important to have an open heart, to live in the moment, and to speak the truth to each other. So I'd like to say to you, George, that it was a great pleasure to meet someone who had such a big impact on my wife's life. I really like you. And wish we had more time to get to know each other. And I wish you a peaceful end to your journey. And another great journey on the other side of it.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Clarke hugs George .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I really do n't know what to say. I re - ally do n't know what to say.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>That was beautiful, honey. Well let me walk them to the car.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ingrid walks over .</scene_description>
    <character>INGRID</character>
    <dialogue>Do n't be sad. Ira told us that his medicine is working and he's not sick anymore.</dialogue>
    <character>MABLE</character>
    <dialogue>I think that was a secret. I do n't think you were supposed to say that.</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>Mable, take Ingrid into the house.</dialogue>
    <character>MABLE</character>
    <dialogue>Can we watch another SpongeBob movie? Atlantis.Squarepantis?</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>Yes. Go into the house and watch a movie now!</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Mable and Ingrid walk back to the house .</scene_description>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>What the fuck is going on around here?</dialogue>
    <parenthetical>( to Laura . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Is that true?</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>I never said that he was still sick. He just took some medicine and it's looking better. You ca n't detect it in his blood, but it could come back.</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>Is it looking better? Or is he better?</dialogue>
    <parenthetical>( to Ira . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Is he sick anymore?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Well. I do n't how you define these things - I'm not. sure.</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>is something going on here? Are you getting your revenge on me while I'm away? I came clean with you, you ca n't come clean with me.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>You know what? I do n't know what I want now.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Oh shit. It's ON.</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>So this is what you want? Was he ever sick in the first place?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>He was sick. He was very sick.</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>Because if this is what you want, I'll leave right now. I'm not going to play these games. I'm happy to leave. I'm not gonnna have you put me on the cross because I made some mistakes. You guys enjoy each other. I could give a fuck. If you need me, I'll be at my apartment in China.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Clarke leaves .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. CHILDREN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Mable and Ingrid are asleep .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Laura is alone in her room , crying . -LRB- she might be on the phone , talking honestly with a friend . -RRB-</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. GUEST ROOM - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George lays on the bed . Ira is pacing around the room .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>What the fuck is going on? Did you guys do something?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>We had sex in Clarke's office.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Why?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Because I love her. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>But she has two kids, she's married.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>She's miserable. He cheated on her.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>You cheated on her.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Yeah, but that was a long time ago. I've changed. You saw that douche bag. You do n't think he's fucking geishas on every business trip?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>He was trying to cure you with herbs. He seems like a great guy.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>This is none of your fucking business. Just stay out of it.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I ca n't stay out of it. We took your car here. I have no way of leaving.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>This shit is deeper than you understand. People get divorced. People make mistakes and then they fix them. That's how life works. It's not a big deal. I know you're still sad because your parents got divorced. Well get the fuck over it. Call a fucking cab and go home.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>So what are we gon na do?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>You're gon na sleep in Clarke's office. I'm gon na go talk to Laura.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LAURA'S STUDY - LATER</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George walks into the room , discovers Laura on the computer , going through papers . She is smoking a joint .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>On, there you are. I've been looking for you.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>I've been going through all the bank statements, trying to figure out which are in his name and which are in mine. Almost all the accounts are in his name. I wonder if he did that on purpose.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Are you smoking a joint?</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Yeah. My best friend Nancy grows this stuff on a hill by her house. You want some?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>No, that stuff makes me paranoid.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Not me. It makes me feel sharper, Some people get tired, I get more energy, more clear.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>What's happening?</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>What's happening? Whatever we want to happen is gon na happen now. I'm free. I'm fucking free.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Laura gets up , kisses him .</scene_description>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>We're free.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( NERVOUSLY . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Yeah, we're free.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>They start kissing again . She starts to moan loudly .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Not so loud, your kids are sleeping.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>A tank could roll through this place, it would n't wake them up.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>They kiss some more . She moans louder .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LAURA'S RANCH - GUEST ROOM</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira calls Daisy on the phone , in a panic about what is happening .</scene_description>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <parenthetical>( V. 0 . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Hello?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <parenthetical>( on phone . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Hey, Daisy. It's Ira.</dialogue>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <parenthetical>( V. 0 . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Oh. Ira. What's going on?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I just wanted to talk to you because I'm in the middle of a terrible situation and I do n't have anyone I can talk about it with. My friends are all mad at me and George is kind of losing his mind.</dialogue>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <parenthetical>( V. 0 . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>You can tell me, what is it?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Look, I know you think I have the moral code of some guy from the 50s like Dwight Eisenhower, but I'm with George and he's hitting on his ex - girlfriend who's married now and has kids and I do n't know what to do. I'm kind of freaking out. I think I'm having a panic attack.</dialogue>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <parenthetical>( V. 0 . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Well do n't have a panic attack, that's not going to help anything.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Well telling me to not have a panic attack is not going to stop it.</dialogue>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <parenthetical>( V. 0 . )</parenthetical>
    <parenthetical>( screaming at the top of her lungs . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>DO N'T HAVE A PANIC ATTACK!</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Haha, very funny.</dialogue>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <parenthetical>( V. 0 . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Seriously, what's going on?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Well I guess they dated like ten years ago.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira and Daisy begin to have a bonding conversation . MUSIC UP - MUSIC THAT MAKES IT FEEL LIKE A NEW DAY , THE BEGINNING OF A NEW ERA .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. KITCHEN - MORNING</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Laura , George , Ira , Mable and Ingrid are happily cooking and eating breakfast . They look like a happy , strange kid of family .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. RANCH - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Numerous images of them horse - back riding . Ira looks terrified .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. POND - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>They are all fishing , feeding ducks .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. GROVE - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>They pick lemons out of a tree .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. WOODS - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>They are riding ATVs while their dogs chase them .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. WOODS - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>The kids are climbing a tree . Laura is spotting them . George pulls Ira aside .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( EXHAUSTED . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Jesus Christ, what time is it already?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>It's 10:15 in the morning.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Oh my god. Really? I mean, this is fun, but I do n't know how much I can take. Hopefully they'll take a nap at some point. I want to take a nap.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>They do n't look that tired.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>The kids are yelling and screaming and clearly have eight more hours in them .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. RESTAURTANT - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George , Laura , Ira , and the kids are seated at a table . The kids are coloring with crayons .</scene_description>
    <character>MABLE</character>
    <dialogue>Look what I did. I want this hung up on the wall.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>She shows them the picture , which is clearly not appropriate for the wall : a picture of herself choking and dying .</scene_description>
    <character>MABLE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>The food here made me sick.</dialogue>
    <character>INGRID</character>
    <dialogue>Mama, I have to go to the bathroom. Come wipe my butt.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>I have to talk to them for a minute. Mable, go wipe your sister's butt.</dialogue>
    <character>MABLE</character>
    <dialogue>She can do it. She's almost six. That's weird.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ingrid and Mable walk off together .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I wet the bed til I was eleven. It was n't even a mental thing. I just got relaxed when I was asleep.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>I spoke to Clarke. He's going to fly back to China tonight. I was thinking about driving to the airport and meeting him there and telling him that when he comes back, he should find another place to live.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>That's great. Are you okay doing that?</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Yes. It's what I want. I just need to figure out when we would move down to LA.. It might be better to let the kids finish out the school year because I have to apply to the private schools in LA, and I do n't know if I missed the deadline. Then I'd have to look into the charter schools. Sometimes these private schools, if you give them a donation, they let your kids in. Maybe you can stay up here for part of the year if I ca n't make it happen.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Sure. If I'm not shooting a movie, or on tour or something, that would be great.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Laura leans in and kisses George . George is not big on public displays of affection . He kisses back , but you can tell that he 's very uncomfortable . They hear the kids headed back to the table and quickly separate .</scene_description>
    <character>MABLE</character>
    <dialogue>I made her wipe her own butt.</dialogue>
    <character>INGRID</character>
    <dialogue>I did it, but I do n't know if I did a good job.</dialogue>
    <parenthetical>( to George . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Look at what I drew. I drew a picture of you. Look? Show Mama.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George holds it up . It is a picture of several people .</scene_description>
    <character>INGRID</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>That's you. That's George. That's Mommy. And Daddy. And me. And Mable. That's all of us.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>We see the picture , and it is everybody holding hands .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. BOOKSTORE - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George and Ira are walking around a very small bookstore .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>This is a small bookstore. They've only got one Philip Roth book. Did n't he write like fifty books?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>So when are we going to go home? You're not talking at all about when we're going to go home.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>She's going to talk to Clarke tonight, and then she's going to make a plan. We've got to get over that hurdle.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Are you okay with everything? This is happening pretty fast.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>This is exactly what I wanted.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Okay.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I mean, she's cool, right?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>She's nice. I do n't really know her very well.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>She was kind of cooler when I knew her back in the day. She's still hot, but she was crazy hot back then. Her attitude has changed a bit. With the kids and all. Back then she was really sexy, and all about fucking. I know she's busy with her life now, but it is a little different.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Yeah, well when you have two kids and a husband, and horses and ducks, it's not all about fucking. That's just the hormones of youth. I'm all about fucking. But I do n't expect to be when I get older. I'll be occasionally about fucking, which is normal. The fact that you're all about fucking now is the weird thing.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Well hopefully everything will work out. If it does n't, it just was n't meant to be.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>What does that mean?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>It means I'm going to give it a shot. I'm excited, but I'm not going to really know if it works until we're in it. I hope I'm just not in love with the person she used to be.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>She's about to leave her husband for good. She has two kids. You're not sure this is going to work?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>There's no way to ever be sure that anything's going to work! I could n't live up here. She wants me to live up here. I do n't think I can do it. Maybe a couple of weeks a year.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Well, she'll live with you.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Do you think she means that she's going to bring the kids too?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Of course. What else would she do?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't know, do n't some men get custody of the kids? Or they split the custody? I like the kids, but I've never lived with kids before. The young one's kind of cute, but I do n't think I can stand the old one full time. There's too much going on there. But I could definitely tolerate the young one. She's cute. Maybe they can split kids. Maybe Clarke will take the annoying one.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira just stares at him , not sure what to do .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. LAURA'S RANCH - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George kisses Laura , and then she gets in her car .</scene_description>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>I'll be back in an hour and a half, tops. And then it all begins.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Okay, call me if you need any backup.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>I love you.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( really uncomfortable . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I. love you.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>The car drives off .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LAURA'S RANCH - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira is on the floor with the kids . He watches the headlights of Laura 's car disappear down the driveway . George walks back into the room .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Okay, I'm going to go into the other room and watch some TV.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>You do n't want to hang with the kids?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Nah, I was going to watch four hockey games at once. I've never done that.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>okay, but I've got to run out and grab some cigarettes.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>But you do n't smoke.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I never smoked in front of you because you were sick. But I do.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT./EXT. GEORGE'S CAR - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira drives in a panic .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Holy shit, holy shit. Where's the fucking airport around here?</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira tries to figure out how to work the navigation system in a panic . He ca n't make it work .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LAURA'S RANCH - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George is watching the kids . He is not good with them , so it is very weird .</scene_description>
    <character>INGRID</character>
    <parenthetical>( O.S . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>George! Help!</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George jumps up and runs to her . She is in the bathroom sitting on the toilet .</scene_description>
    <character>INGRID</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Can you wipe my butt?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Do n't you know how to do it?</dialogue>
    <character>INGRID</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't do it good.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( RELUCTANTLY . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Okay.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT./EXT. GEORGE'S CAR - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira is still messing with the navigation system . He finally gets frustrated and punches it . Ira yells to someone on the street .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>How do you get to the fucking airport?!</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LAURA'S RANCH - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George calls Ira , gets voice mail .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Where are you, where are you? You have to come back here. I need your help. I do n't know how to do this.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>He walks back to where the kids are . They are watching tv . All around the room are family pictures . He is beginning to feel bad about what is happening .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT./EXT. AIRPORT - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Laura gets to check - in , looks around . She does not see Clarke .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LAURA'S HOUSE - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George is sitting at the kitchen table . Mable walks over .</scene_description>
    <character>MABLE</character>
    <dialogue>I think my mom and dad are getting a divorce. I do n't want my parents to get divorced. All my friends' parents are divorced, and they're not happy.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Why would you say that?</dialogue>
    <character>MABLE</character>
    <dialogue>I heard my mom talking to her friend. I listened through the wall. She was looking for a lawyer. He cheated on her. What does cheating mean? That he's going to marry someone else? Why do n't they just try harder?</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. AIRPORT - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Laura looks for Clarke at the news stand .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LAURA'S RANCH - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George is on the phone .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Laura, it's George. Come back to the house. Maybe you should n't do it. Maybe it's too early for this. Call the house.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. AIRPORT - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Laura walks into the airport lounge . She sees Clarke . She looks at him for a moment , then heads over to him with determination .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT./INT. AIRPORT - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira parks in the no - standing zone . He gets out and starts walking into the airport . His phone rings , he answers . It 's George .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( V. 0 . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Where are you?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I'm getting cigarettes.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( V. 0 . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>You've been gone for forty minutes.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I got lost. I do n't know this town.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( V.O . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Well come back. I do n't know how to take care of these kids, I'm not a camp counselor like you. These kids are on to me. The older one's too intense. She's troubled. She's like Damien, from the Omen. I need help.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Ok, I'll hurry back.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. AIRPORT - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira runs around the airport , looking for Laura and Clarke .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. AIRPORT - FIRST CLASS LOUNGE - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Laura is talking to Clarke , emotional . Clarke is crying .</scene_description>
    <character>CLARKS</character>
    <dialogue>I'm so sorry. This only happened because of me. It's all my fault. I made you feel terrible. I made you feel unsafe in our relationship. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira stands there , staring at them .</scene_description>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>I'm sorry too. I love you so much. It was just a flirtation. It never went anywhere. It's just after you cheated on me, I felt so alone. And you were gone so often that I felt like our life does n't work.</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>Then I have to make a change. I'll stop most of the traveling. There's nothing more important than you and the kids.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira starts to turn to sneak away . Clarke sees him .</scene_description>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Ira! What's going on? What are you doing here?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Oh, I'm just headed back to Los Angeles. I've got some spots at the Improv I've got to do this weekend.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <parenthetical>( under her breath . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Oh, fuck.</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>You're headed back to Los Angeles? Then why are you at the International terminal?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>This is the International terminal? I'm so confused, I've never been to this airport before.</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>Yeah, this is the Air China First Class Lounge.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>REVEAL that everyone else in the lounge is Chinese .</scene_description>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <parenthetical>( COIN ' D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on, Laura?</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>I do n't know what to say.</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>Tel - me the truth! Just tell me the truth.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>I came here to tell you that I wanted you to move out when you came home. But I realized this was a mistake, so I did n't say it. Please do n't hold that against me. We've worked everything out. Everything is fine.</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>Who's watching the kids? Who's watching the fucking kids?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>An adult is watching them.</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>Is George watching our fucking kids? I will kill him.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Clarke runs off .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>What the hell happened?</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Who the fuck are you? Get the fuck out of my life! You and George have to get the fuck out of my life. You are ruining everything!</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Uh oh.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira runs out of the lounge . Laura runs out also .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. LAURA'S HOUSE - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George with the kids . Oblivious to what is happening .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. AIRPORT - MOMENTS LATER</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira comes back out , his car is about to be towed .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>No, no, no! I'm here. I'm here.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT./EXT. CLARKE'S CAR</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Clarke drives home , pissed off .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT./EXT. LAURA'S SUV</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Laura drives home , quickly .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. IRA'S CAR</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira drives , in a panic , on his cell phone . The phone goes through to George 's voice mail .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>George! Clarke is coming back to the house. He knows everything! I'm coming to get you. Be at the end of the driveway. No! Be at the next driveway over! To the north!</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT./INT. LAURA'S RANCH - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Clarke arrives at the house . He sees George sitting with the kids .</scene_description>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <parenthetical>( angry - to Mable and INGRID . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Can you take it into the family fun room?</dialogue>
    <character>MABLE</character>
    <dialogue>Are you two going to fight?</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>Ye s.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. LAURA'S HOUSE - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George and Clarke walk outside . Clarke puts up his fists , ready to fight .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>She's not happy.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Clarke punches George in the face then kicks him martial arts style .</scene_description>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>No one who's married is fucking happy. Leave us alone! You fucked up. You fucked it up with her a long time ago. Let it go or I will kill you. I will literally kill you till you're fucking dead. That disease did n't kill you. But I will kill you.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>You should n't joke about my disease. That was very serious. Very scary.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Clarke punches him several times , but they are more like martial arts hits .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>What the hell is that?</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira arrives . George starts yelling at Ira .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Do n't jump in. Whatever you do, do n't jump in. I do n't want your help!</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Okay.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>You said you were getting cigarettes then you ran to the airport to stop her. What kind of friend are you?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I am a good friend because this entire situation is crazy. You are out of control.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I did n't deserve what you did to me. You betrayed me!</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>When I got there, she was already kissing him. I never even had a chance to stop it. I did n't get to do anything!</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>Do n't pretend you're fucking mad at each other, just to distract me so I wo n't beat your ass.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Clarke pushes George .</scene_description>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>You're gon na come to my house? You're gon na come to my fucking house? You have to get your own life. Leave us the fuck alone.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Do n't hit me! I've been sick! They do n't know. The medicine is working now, but I'm still sick.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Clarke punches George .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <parenthetical>( to Ira . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>What are you doing? I said to jump in!</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>You told me not to jump in.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>That's what `` do n't jump in'' means. It means `` jump in.'' Help me!</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira steps in . Clarke hits him hard , then kicks him .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>You're a terrible fighter.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I know, that's why I became a comedian, because everyone used to beat me up!</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George runs at Clarke who cracks him in the head hard , sending him to the floor . Then Ira takes a run at him and Clarke kicks Ira in the face twice , with both feet . Laura runs into the middle of the scene .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Laura, tell Clarke to stop!</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Clarke, please do n't do this.</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>Do n't tell me what I can and can not do.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Laura, tell him. Tell him you want to be with me now.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Laura does n't answer .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Laura?</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>Why did you have to come here and confuse me? Everything was fine before you came here. Now everything is all screwed up.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Laura, what's it going to be? Are you going with him, or are you going with me?</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Laura looks at Clarke .</scene_description>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>With him.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Do n't do this.</dialogue>
    <character>LAURA</character>
    <dialogue>You fucked up my life. And now I fucked up yours. But just a little. Probably just for a day.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>She walks back into the house .</scene_description>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>Hit the road before I put you through another round.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>You cheated on her too!</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>Yeah, but we're married. We're going to work through this shit. You should have waited until you were married to cheat. It buys you another chance.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Clarke punches George . Ira is on the ground . He does n't get up .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>She told me I was the love of her life. And she loves me more than she loves you!</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>When she said that, did she think you were dying?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Yeah!</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>Too bad you had to ` Live and find out it was n't true. Leave my fucking family alone!</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Clarke punches him . George gets a punch in but it does n't hurt Clarke . Clarke punches him again .</scene_description>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I can do this all night.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Clarke hits George again . Ira leaps on Clarke and now all three are on the ground rolling around , arms flailing .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <parenthetical>( to Ira . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Stop Ira, you're hitting me too.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Mable and Ingrid appear outside .</scene_description>
    <character>MABLE</character>
    <dialogue>What are you guys doing?</dialogue>
    <character>INGRID</character>
    <dialogue>What's happening?</dialogue>
    <scene_description>The three look at the kids and instantly feel awful .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>We're just playing that's all.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>We're wrestling. It's fun.</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKS</character>
    <dialogue>Boys like to wrestle just like girls.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>They all start wrestling some more , but this time it is fake playful . They give each other noogies , and tickle each other so the kids wo n't be scared . A little blood runs off of George 's face .</scene_description>
    <character>INGRID</character>
    <dialogue>Are you bleeding?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>No. We were just painting. I got some paint on my cheek.</dialogue>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <dialogue>Come on girls. Let's go inside.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Mable and Ingrid run inside . Clarke turns to George .</scene_description>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>You know what sucks about this? I like your movies and now I ca n't watch them anymore.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Clarke walks away , then walks back .</scene_description>
    <character>CLARKE</character>
    <parenthetical>( CONT 'D . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>I'm sorry. That was mean. Through ail of this, I want you to know something. I'm glad that you're not sick, and I understand. And I forgive you.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Clarke goes inside .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>That was meaner than him punching you. That is a demented motherfucker.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George punches Ira in the face . Ira fires back two punches at George 's face and he stumbles back .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>None of you fuckers can hurt me.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George pauses , then leaps onto Ira and they roll on the ground for a moment . Ira makes his - way free and gets up .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Get the hell off of me you psycho.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Drive me home.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>No.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>How are you gon na get home then?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Fine.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. CAR - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>They drive in silence for a moment .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>You are the most self involved person I have ever met.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Oh yeah?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>No matter what the situation, no matter how many laughs or how many women you get you will never be happy. You're always going to be miserable. You are a bottomless pit. A bottomless wound.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>What about you? You are just a lackey. Who are you to judge me? You tried to screw me over, after all I. have done for you.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I am not responsible for you. You wanted me to sit back and destroy this woman's life? Help you cheat on her? You put me in a terrible position. I do n't give a fuck, go fuck yourself.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Lacky.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>You made me the tacky? I'm not a lacky, it's a job.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>It's not a job, you're a tacky. You're not even that fucking funny.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>This gets Ira very mad .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Who cares? If being funny means being like you, I rather be a little less funny.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Mission accomplished.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>You're the only person I know who learned nothing from a near - death experience! You actually went backwards. All it did was it brought out what a prick you are, brought everything bad to the surface. I liked you better when I was sure you were gon na die.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I'm not going anywhere!</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Everything is about you. You do n't even know where I live. You've never asked me one question about my life. How much can one person talk about himself? You never ask me shit about anything!</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Who are you to fucking judge anyone? You're not my friend, you just want my money. You just want to get your foot in the door.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Fuck your money. Fuck you. This has all been a huge mistake.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Wake me when we get home.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George climbs in the back seat and tries to go to bed .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT./EXT. GEORGE'S CAR - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Music up : Ted Hawkins ' song `` Strange Conversation . '' Ira drives George home in the dark . Neither one speaks . We see images of different cities going by the window . Ira thinks about all he 's been through and the challenges ahead ,</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. GUYS' APARTMENT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira pulls up to his apartment .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>okay, I'm getting out. You have to drive yourself home. I'm getting out here.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Why did n't you drive me to my house?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Because then I'd still have your car.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>You'll drop it off later.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>There is no later! I'm not going to ever talk to you again. So I do n't want your car.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>So that's how it's going to be.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. GEORGE'S HOUSE</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George enters . There is an enormous pile of stuff to do on his dining room table . Several stacks of scripts . One pile has a big post - it note that says : `` READ THESE ! ''</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. GEORGE'S HOUSE</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George lies alone in bed , alone . Eyes wide open . It 's really bright in his room . George hits a button . The shades automatically close . The room goes dark . Now he 's in the dark with his eyes open . He turns on the TV to go to sleep . It 's the Today show . It 's really happy and morning - themed . The piece on the Today show is very suburban . `` How to Clean Up Clutter . ''</scene_description>
    <character>ANCHORWOMAN</character>
    <parenthetical>( ON TV . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>You know, when you've got a big family, and you've got a lot of clutter.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. GUYS' APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira is talking to Leo .</scene_description>
    <character>LEO</character>
    <dialogue>We rented out your room to Jay. But you can crash on the couch if you want.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Oh man, you got jerked off on that couch.</dialogue>
    <character>JONAH</character>
    <dialogue>I fucking did n't cum on the couch. Just sleep on it for a month, and then we'll find some excuse to boot Jay out.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Thanks. I'm sorry, I lost my way for a while.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. GEORGE'S HOUSE</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George reads one from a large pack of scripts . A few pages in , he clearly does n't like it . He puts it down , picks up another one . The large stack is clearly the ones he does n't like .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira writes at a table .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>EXT. STORE - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>George walks out of a store . A beautiful woman tries to chat him up , but he lets her know he i.s `` busy and has to go . He walks off . She looks disappointed .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. BAR - NIGHT</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira talks to Daisy . They seem to be getting along well .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. IMPROVISATION - DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Daisy is performing on stage . She gets off and heads over to Ira .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>That was great. She kisses him.</dialogue>
    <character>DAISY</character>
    <dialogue>Thanks.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>The MANAGER walks over .</scene_description>
    <character>MANAGER</character>
    <dialogue>Hey Ira, Federman got in a car accident. Do you want to take his spot?</dialogue>
    <scene_description>George walks over with a young comedian of about Ira 's age . This young man has clearly taken his place .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Hey, how's it going?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Hey George.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>This is Randy. He's funny, you'd like his stuff. It's smart.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I'm sure I would. I look forward to seeing it. Are you going on tonight?</dialogue>
    <character>RANDY</character>
    <dialogue>I hope so.</dialogue>
    <character>MANAGER</character>
    <parenthetical>( to George . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>Do you want to go up? Ira was gon na take Federman's spot, but we can get you up if you want to?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>No, that's ok. I do n't want to take Ira's spot. I'm just gon na hang out tonight.</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. IMPROVISATION - MOMENTS LATER</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira is introduced . He walks onto the stage . We see George walk to the very back corner of the club and sit down at a table by himself . On stage Ira does his act . He is much more comfortable than we have ever seen him on stage before . He is no longer searching for his comic identity . He has found a way to be himself on stage , and tells jokes which are more personal than we have seen before . Not everything kills , but when something eats it he does not seem thrown . Sometimes he seems amused . ANGLE ON GEORGE He watches from the back of the room . At first he does not laugh , but then slowly starts laughing - but more at the things Ira does in between jokes . We can tell that he is proud of Ira and misses him .</scene_description>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. SUPERMARKET -- DAY</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>Ira is back behind the counter , working at the Deli with Chuck and Gail . He does n't look too unhappy to be there .</scene_description>
    <character>FEMALE CUSTOMER</character>
    <dialogue>Is the potato salad fresh?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I made it myself this morning.</dialogue>
    <character>FEMALE CUSTOMER</character>
    <dialogue>Is it good?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I stake my reputation on it.</dialogue>
    <character>FEMALE CUSTOMER</character>
    <dialogue>Okay. Give me a quart.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Mrs. Gail, this fine woman would like a quarf ` of potato salad.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>The woman moves to the other side of the counter . We reveal George standing there , holding his ticket .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Do you have any turkey that's hormone - free?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Yes we do.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>So this is where you work.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Back in the saddle.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I thought we were writing a screenplay.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Well, you're not a very good writing partner.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Or any kind of partner. You want to make me a turkey sandwich and talk to me? They give you breaks around here?</dialogue>
  </scene>
  <scene>
    <stage_direction>INT. SUPERMARKET - MOMENTS LATER</stage_direction>
    <scene_description>There is a small seating area in the supermarket where people eat food at the deli counter . George and Ira sit across from each other .</scene_description>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>In my travels, I have learned a lot about Asia and Buddhism. And I would like to be in the moment now with you, and to tell you how sorry I am, and how much I have appreciated your friendship. And even if we are not friends in the future, I wish you well on your journey.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira laughs .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>That guy was a douche - bag.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>But also kind of cool. It's a very weird combination.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>He was going to heal you with those herbs, man. You get sick again, you should call that guy.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I think most of what you said to me was true. And I really am sorry. I think I'm still not very healthy. in my brain.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>It's all right, man. You've been through a lot.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Well, I appreciate you trying to help me. Even though it was kind of an impossible task.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Is everything going okay? How are you doing?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>I am not doing well, but things have certainly been worse. So, I will be fine.</dialogue>
    <parenthetical>( THEN . )</parenthetical>
    <dialogue>You were good the other night. I hear you're getting regular spots now.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I'm actually going up tonight.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Really? Any new jokes you're working on?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>Yeah, I've been trying to get off my ass and do some writing.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>What do you got?</dialogue>
    <scene_description>Ira is surprised to hear him ask this , since he has never asked this before .</scene_description>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I was thinking about doing a bit about how I'm not very good looking, but I'm not bad looking, but I'm just good - looking enough that if I had a good personality, it might put me over the top.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>You should do something about how, when you date a girl, and you feel really good and she likes you, and then you see pictures of all her ex - boyfriends, and they're all really goofy - looking guys, and it's not that you're good looking, it's just that in this psychotic girl's eyes, you're good looking?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>And how all of her boyfriends look like Lou Costello.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Why do n't you say Dom Deluise? it's a more current reference.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>More current? What year was Cannonball Run, 1978?</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>Okay, okay. What else you got?</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>I was going to talk about how I have n't had sex in so long, that I ca n't even remember my previous sexual experiences so I can masturbate to them.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>You should say, now when I masturbate, I have to think about the last time I masturbated.</dialogue>
    <character>IRA</character>
    <dialogue>That's a good one. You can write.</dialogue>
    <character>GEORGE</character>
    <dialogue>You know, I always wanted to be part of the comedy field.</dialogue>
    <scene_description>As the camera pulls back , George continues to pitch Ira jokes for his act , the first selfless act we 've seen him commit in the entire film . As their friendship rekindles , we . THE END</scene_description>
  </scene>
</script>
George Simmons is a middle-aged retired stand-up comedian turned movie star. Despite his wealth, he is disillusioned and depressed as most of his recent film work is low-brow and poorly received. He is diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia and offered an experimental treatment that has only an 8% chance of therapeutic response. Believing he is about to die, he returns to his roots of stand-up comedy. Ira Wright is an aspiring stand-up comedian in his 20s who shares an apartment with his two best friends, Mark and Leo. Mark is a lead in his own TV comedy series and makes good money. Leo is a rising comedy star and guest star for a recurring role on Mark's TV show. George meets Ira at a small comedy club and hires him as his assistant. Ira becomes one of George's only close relationships. The two travel around the country, George hires Ira as his personal assistant and joke writer and opens for him in the big comedy clubs, often meeting with real life comedians who play themselves and talk about the business of comedy. George reconnects with his ex-fiancée, Laura who is currently married to Clarke. George′s physician tells him that the leukemia is in remission. George decides he wants Laura back. Laura invites George and Ira to her house in Marin County while her husband is away on business. George and Ira spend quality time with Laura and her two young daughters. George and Laura sneak off to have sex, but Clarke returns home and there is an altercation. Laura faces a choice between her husband, Clarke, who she suspects has cheated on her (he later confirms he received a happy ending at a massage parlor), or George (who also cheated on her many times). Ira is not always on George's side in the love triangle, so when it doesn't go George's way in the end, he fires Ira, who then calls George out on having learned nothing from his near-death experience. Ira returns to his old food-service job. After some time has passed, George attends Ira's stand-up act and sees that his old assistant has become a talented and competent performer. The next day, George finds Ira at work and they reconnect as friends, telling each other jokes as equals.