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My name is Lee Hawkins.
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I ve been a journalist for over 25 years.
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On my new podcast, What Happened in Alabama, I get answers to some of the hardest questions about how things came to be for many black Americans and the truth that must come before any reconciliation can happen.
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I investigate my family history, my upbringing in Minnesota, and my father s painful nightmares about growing up in Alabama.
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What Happened in Alabama is a new series confronting the cycles of trauma for myself, my family, and for many Black Americans.
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Listen now.
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My friends, not too long ago, I asked for your thoughts on how you feel about growing older.
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Whether there s a certain age you ve reached or headed to that excites you or freaks you out.
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Well, we got a lot of great responses and I wanted to share a few of them with you.
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Kristen wrote, Tig, like you, I have not yet hit the point where I am uncomfortable sharing my real age.
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I turned 40 this year and I think it is an accomplishment to reach this stage in life.
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However, on birthdays in the past, I ve answered curious acquaintances who inquire about my age with a number seven to nine years older than I actually was.
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I don t know if they think I look great for 39, but I look fantastic for 47.
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Keep them guessing and keep having fun.
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I can certainly relate.
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I m told often that I look younger on TV and film or from the stage.
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And then when people meet me up close, I ve had the pleasure to hear over and over
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that I look younger from a distance.
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I think it s all funny.
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Keep them guessing and keep having fun, Kristen.
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Jamini wrote, Hi Tig, my 64th birthday is in May and I can t wait to sing the Beatles song nonstop.
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Thanks for all the laughs.
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Oh my gosh, that is awesome.
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I don t know if I shared this on the show or if I did it in a comedy special or
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if I just told friends and family.
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But when I was a kid, I was so obsessed with the Beatles, and I used to write out all of their lyrics obsessively, wrote out all of their lyrics.
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And I remember
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I wrote out the lyrics to When I m Sixty-Four and my grandmother found that sheet of paper and she sat down and she thanked me and told me how touched she was about this poem or song that I had written for her.
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And I had to take credit for a Lennon and McCartney tune.
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Thanks for reminding me of that song.
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I feel like I m inching up pretty quickly, and I look forward to the day that I can sing it as well.
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Okay, I appreciate all of you who called and wrote in, including Tara, Abigail, Rebecca, Diane, Carla, Alex, Sharon, Jenny, and Kelly.
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Thank you for all the birthday wishes, and I have to say,
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In a funny twist, Stephanie and our kids and I, we got stuck in the Vegas airport on my birthday.
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And what seemed like hell on earth ended up being an oddly fun birthday.
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Our flight was canceled.
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We got rebooked.
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three times delayed, spent almost five hours in the airport lounge during March Madness, and our sons are so chatty and friendly.
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They made friends with everybody in the airport lounge bar while we were watching the basketball games.
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And Stephanie and I, we can t believe that that was my birthday and how fun it ended up being.
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So, uh, anyway, just a few weeks in, I m still very comfortable with being 52.
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I m happy to be where I am.
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And also on April 20th, I will be in Red Bank, New Jersey.
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April 21st, Poughkeepsie, New York, Las Vegas, Nevada, on May 2nd, and Fayetteville, Arkansas, on June 23rd.
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And keep your eyes and ears peeled for the date that I will be taping my next stand-up special.
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I will be revealing that very soon.
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Go to TigNotaro.com for all show links and ticket information.
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See you there, and now on with the show.
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So yeah, we went to bed after we had our little rounds of yelling at everybody and then saying goodnight.
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And then we get up in the morning.
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You know what I didn t even tell you, you weren t even there for this part.
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This was like a few days later and I won t name who this was with, but I was kind of going on another little tirade about sexuality and fluidity and how everybody s kind of gay.
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And one person said, so you think I m gay?
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And I go, yeah.
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This is Don t Ask Tig.
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I m Tig Notaro.
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With so much advice, I ve had today s guest on twice.
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With me now is Don t Ask Tig s first ever returning guest.
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She s an actress, comedian, writer, and director.
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You can see her in films like In a World and TV shows like One Mississippi, Twin Peaks,
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and the L Word Generation Q. There is no one I love more in this world than her and our two children and our three cats, Stephanie Allen, my wife.
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Welcome back to Don t Ask Tig.
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Thanks for having me.
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Stephanie, you are the first ever return guest on Don t Ask Tig.
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Your first episode came out September 23rd, 2020.
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Whoa.
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Yeah.
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I don t even have a memory of it other than sitting in your office.
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Yeah, same.
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Like what?
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I know it happened.
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I couldn t tell you one thing that was said on that.
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Nor can I. It is funny.
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I have to say interviewing you.
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Well, that s what I was thinking when I asked him to text you before we got on, because I m like, what would you ask me?
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That we haven t already discussed in circles for 10 years?
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I guess fill in the listeners.
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What s been going on since September 23rd, 2020?
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Is that what you asked your guests?
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What have you been up to the past three years?
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Well, I mean, you re the return guest, so you have to fill in the blanks from three years ago.
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Well, we just got back from Mississippi.
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That s the most recent.
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Did you have a good time?
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Did you?
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I had a great time.
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You know, there s always some little bumps along the way when you re with family for a long time and extended family.
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We got into it a little more than usual on this trip with family.
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I had one night of it.
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You had a night of it.
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I ve been there now like 20 times since we ve been together.
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Yeah.
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It s never happened.
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I m very diplomatic.
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I m very, you know, those situations.
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I m not trying to get into it or get in a fight.
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And then this trip, you had a night of it, and I was completely silent watching you have that night.
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And then two nights later, we took turns.
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It was your turn.
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I lost it on everybody, and you sat there silently, and then we all said, well, good night.
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You actually stood up, yelled at everybody in the room.
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and stormed out, went upstairs, and I just got up from the couch, looked at everybody, and said, good night.
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And went upstairs, and you were lying in bed, and you were like, oh.
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Wow.
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And you said, I am sorry.
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And I was like, no, I said, you know, when you have your opposing views on religion or political views, and I guess that s why people say, don t talk about that stuff when you go home.
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And we hadn t for 10 years.
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And then this world has changed so much.
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I have no threshold.
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There s, it s right there.
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You say one thing, you re like,
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And also I got into bed that night.
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I was so worked up and I didn t know what to do with myself.
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And I got on the ACLU s website and donated money to them at midnight.
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Well, you know, then some good came from that.
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I would say it got a little more heated on our end.
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I have to say, even if there are points in these discussions that my family don t understand, or they don t agree on, and we re talking about close family to extended family,
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to people that my family is dating or married to.
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It ran the gamut of who was there when we were in town.
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And yeah, late night, maybe people were having some drinks.
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It was a real tee up for this kind of situation.
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But regardless of what happened, the nice part is there was no vibe of like anybody was on edge the next morning or the rest of the time.
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Would you agree?
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Yeah.
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When we first met 10 years ago and we went, would go there all the time and Obama was president and then gay marriage was legalized right before we got married down there and we got married legally in Mississippi.
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Yeah.
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And then when Hillary lost and the world shifted to a completely different place, it just there s a completely different vibe, not just down there in the country.
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Yeah, you can feel it.
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And conversations that maybe weren t being had and topics that weren t even on the table are being had.
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Yeah.
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And so yeah, that was our
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That was our trip, but I did, I had a great time.
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Yeah, yeah, I did too.
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So we re there for Cowboy Rick s funeral that was very delayed.
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And we were at the graveyard.
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And my brother said, Well, I just have a few things to say, just it ll be quick.
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And so maybe I should go first.
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And I said, Okay, I ll go after you.
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And I ll talk.
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And then the priest was going to say something.
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And my brother, again, our family is all sitting there at the gravesite, and my brother stands up in his suit, goes to talk, say some words about our stepfather, who raised us since we were two,
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And there s this green astroturf covering the grave.
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And my brother stepped into it, and he fell into the grave.
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He fell into our stepfather s grave.
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They were supposed to put plywood under the
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the astroturf and they forgot to.
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And so everybody lunges forward going, Oh, Jesus Christ.
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Oh, God.
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And there is my brother falling into a grave.
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Everybody was stunned.
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He s like, I m okay.
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He s pulling himself out of Rick s grave.
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And he s got dirt all over his suit.
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And then of course there was the moments of laughter and biting your lip and then he goes on to speak and he s dusting himself off.
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I mean, and I was sitting there thinking,
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Is this really happening as I was watching my brother fall into Rick s grave?
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And then I thought, this must happen all the time.
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And then I thought, of course, this doesn t happen all the time.
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And then I thought, well, now I have new material.
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Can I tell the story about the other problem that graveyard has with your family?
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Yes.
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There s endless graveyard stories.
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I mean, we could go into my father s burial.
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Yeah, yeah.
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All in Mississippi, but go ahead.
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Four years ago, a very close family member passed away very sadly.
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Somebody so dear to us.
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Yeah.
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And she was buried in the graveyard in her family s plot.
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And Tig s cousin the other night was like, oh, Stephanie, after we were talking about what happened with her brother falling in the grave,
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And he was like, well, you know, we got another problem in that, you know, I don t know if you heard, but they accidentally buried another woman in my plot.
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And it was supposed to be buried with his wife.
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They have a plot side by side.
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And the graveyard had another funeral of another person who died named Ethel, who is now lying in his plot next to his wife.
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And that family doesn t want to move her.
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To move Ethel.
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because she s buried and they had a funeral.
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And so the graveyard offered Six Family a larger plot, discounted, on the other side of the graveyard.
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And so her husband, Jimmy, goes, so we took that deal, so we re gonna have to move her.
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So she s gonna be moving.
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They re planning on doing this where they have to dig up her grave and move her across the graveyard.
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That s right.
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And just because I already mentioned it, I will quickly say that when my father died, he didn t have a lot of money and nor did he really want much for himself.
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When he died, we had him cremated.
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That was my treat.
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And
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This was just that thing of, again, welcome to the family, Stephanie.
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My family members and their overalls and their tractors and what have you, we all get together for my father s memorial.
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My cousin, a different cousin of mine, grabs a shovel.
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We all head over to the graveyard.
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My father does not have a plot, which we didn t know we got thinking we were going to a funeral.
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Yeah, everybody to the cremation.
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Yeah.
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And then all of a sudden, we re kind of like meeting at the house and everyone s like, let s head over to the graveyard and they start grabbing shovels.
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my cousin who is in overalls, yeah, carrying a shovel, we go over and a hole is dug on another relatives grave site.
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And my father s ashes, not only blue,
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out of the bag, which was a Ziploc, they were placed in a straw hat and buried in a hole on somebody else s grave.
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The end.
0
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None of this is made up, none of this is exaggerated, and all of this would never happen in Stephanie s family.
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And some of those ashes got blown on some guests.
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Yes.
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With my family, just to give a little juxtaposition, my mom has her parents  ashes
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and she s been probably planning a funeral for 30 years, and is really into feng shui, and she keeps the ashes in the helpful people section of her house.
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There s no feng shui in any of my relatives  homes in Mississippi.
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Or Louisiana.
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This morning, our son Finn, he goes, man, Louisiana and Mississippi, it s a wild place.
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But they loved it, they had so much fun.
0
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It s just so much chaos.
0
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It s that comforting, fun feeling that we talked about where you hear the entire house just full of people talking, laughing, outside, inside, spilling out everywhere.
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They had so much fun.
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Okay.
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Stephanie, so that s what you ve been up to.
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That s the past week.
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I didn t get in the last three years.
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There s been a lot.
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We have full lives, I would say.
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Yeah.
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Now, Stephanie, you know what you re here to do.
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And the time has come to give some of my listeners advice.
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Yeah.
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Our first question is about a familiar subject for us.
0
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Love.
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Emily writes, I am 30 years old and have been perpetually single for 10 years.
0
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I go on a lot of dates with a lot of different men and women, but none of them ever felt like my person.
0
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There s always something about them that bothers me too much, from big, important stuff to small, shallow things.
0
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It might be that they are very insecure and can t make decisions, or it could be that their posture is terrible or teeth are bad.
0
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But there s always something.
0
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Normally I see someone three or four times and then call it.
0
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As I get older, I m starting to wonder if at this point I m just being picky.
0
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Should I maybe try spending more of my time with someone in the hopes that a little annoying thing stops bothering me?
0
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I feel like if that many things are bothering you out of the gate, it s only going to get worse.
0
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And I feel like when you really love someone and connect with someone, those things don t bother you.
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So if they do certain things that you maybe thought would really drive you crazy, you re like, oh, they don t sit up straight.
1
SPEAKER_03
Oh, how cute.
1
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It s and then you can kind of have those discussions or work on things, but you don t, you re not looking at them repulsed, like, get me out of here.
1
SPEAKER_03
So I feel like when you have those really early on, that s probably not the person for you.
1
SPEAKER_01
No doubt.
1
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It seems like in the beginning of a relationship, you should be so blinded by love.
1
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And then you notice that they don t sit up straight a couple of years in.
1
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And I do also think there might be something
1
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in you that saying that you re not ready for a relationship if everybody you re going out with is problematic.
1
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Because if it is that you re being too critical, then I really do think that that s a barrier you re putting up subconsciously.
1
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And so maybe you re not ready for a relationship and there s nothing wrong with that.
1
SPEAKER_01
Were you going to say something?
1
SPEAKER_03
Or maybe you don t know exactly what you re looking for, you know, because
1
SPEAKER_03
Prior to being with you, I had a lot of that with people and I thought I, you know, just sort of valued my alone time and realized, oh, I was actually just needing to be with a woman.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, this particular one.
1
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Emily, it might take some time to find your person, but when you find them, you will know.
1
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And people would always say that to me.
1
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And I was like, but how do you know, you know, like it just I didn t understand.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then when I met Stephanie, I was like, oh, this is that thing.
1
SPEAKER_01
You don t have to question it.
1
SPEAKER_03
And everything seems easy.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
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You naturally do really huge things.
1
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without like getting married or having kids or traveling without it feeling like, okay, I m doing this.
1
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See how this goes.
1
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Yeah, I always use the example of when we got together and you told me you wanted five children.
1
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I had never thought of five children.
1
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I thought I would have one.
1
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And then when you said five, I thought, oh, five.
1
SPEAKER_01
OK, that sounds fun with you.
1
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And of course, when we had twins, we were like, this will do.
1
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But I do think that, as we said, it ll it ll feel right.
1
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It ll feel easy.
1
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But that doesn t mean it s not going to be challenging and difficult along the way and years down the road, because obviously we ve had that as well and will continue to.
1
SPEAKER_01
But I think that we have a much better understanding that
1
SPEAKER_01
that just doesn t go away.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
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The bumps as you roll down the road.
1
SPEAKER_01
So best of luck, Emily, Stephanie, let s pause for a break.
1
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And then we ll be back to listen or questions.
1
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And we re back.
1
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Stephanie, this next question comes to us all the way from Tokyo.
1
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Jess writes, dear Tig, I have three kids under the age of six.
1
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It is hectic and stressful, but they are wonderful super kids.
1
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The problem is myself.
1
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I have become a yeller.
1
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I never yelled or even felt angry before having kids.
1
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And my own parents also never once raised their voices at me and my sister growing up.
1
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Yet now I am constantly blowing up and yelling.
1
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I feel the absolute worst shame and guilt about yelling at my kids when it s not warranted.
1
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But no matter what I have tried, I am unable to stop.
1
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What would you suggest to change?
1
SPEAKER_01
That s that s tough.
1
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That s also fascinating because to just have it come up in you when you didn t have it before and you didn t grow up with it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I imagine it s tough to find that out because you hear that when you have kids.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s similarly to falling in love or getting married, being in a relationship, you see new things about yourself.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, you learn about yourself.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then your kids come along and you learn more things about yourself.
1
SPEAKER_01
And sometimes they re great things.
1
SPEAKER_01
And sometimes they re terrible things.
1
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We were just talking about this.
1
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Somebody commented on how you and I don t really yell.
1
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And she s like, how do you not yell at your kids?
1
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And especially for you, you can just be like, okay, we re not doing that right now.
1
SPEAKER_03
I need you all to stop.
1
SPEAKER_03
And she was like, they just listen to you.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s just interesting because I feel like with kids, like if you yell or you don t yell or you like, it doesn t really make a difference.
1
SPEAKER_03
They kind of, they kind of do what they re going to do.
1
SPEAKER_03
But it s interesting that that s coming up in her and she can t control it.
1
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And doesn t want to be doing it and is doing it.
1
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That I think is the interesting part because it feels like she could actually work on it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I wonder if she has a therapist because I wonder if there s some layers underneath that she s not been connected to before.
1
SPEAKER_01
And yelling, there might also be some fear
1
SPEAKER_03
Well, it s also temperament because to have that many kids that young, it s like she s probably never been in those situations before where that many people young are like putting all of their energy on her.
1
SPEAKER_03
I think that could easily break a person.
1
SPEAKER_03
I used to feel like that with our kids, we would go to restaurants and there was times when they were like two years old where it would be pretty out of control.
1
SPEAKER_03
I wasn t screaming, but I was like, I got to get out of here and I m never coming to a restaurant again until they re four.
1
SPEAKER_03
And then there s other people that can kind of just sit in the chaos and the screaming and they can, you know, they can ruin everybody else s time at the restaurant.
1
SPEAKER_03
They can be on an airplane and just be like, well, you know, sorry, two year old screaming.
1
SPEAKER_03
And then I think other people are like, oh my God, that s really driving me crazy.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I wonder if there s a way to somehow alleviate the stress that s coming over as well.
1
SPEAKER_01
Like if there s, I don t know, play dates, I feel like that really can take some pressure off of everybody when the kids are getting together with others and it s not all focused on you.
1
SPEAKER_01
But I think it also goes back to why is she yelling?
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, it feels like there must be a larger feeling there of that probably can be worked on.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, Jess, we appreciate your honesty and your willingness to work on it.
1
SPEAKER_01
The show is called Don t Ask Tig.
1
SPEAKER_01
We don t know what we re talking about, but it feels like something where you might have to talk to a professional about it.
1
SPEAKER_03
Oh, you know what?
1
SPEAKER_03
That just reminded me because I relate to this part of it of like, when you have those feelings where you re like going to lose it, that it s an invitation to
1
SPEAKER_03
Go.
1
SPEAKER_03
Oh, I need alone time.
1
SPEAKER_03
I need a second.
1
SPEAKER_03
I need to remove myself I can t keep going here And I think it s really hard for people to take that to remove themselves We ve talked about this a lot where you feel like you shouldn t have to you feel like you should do everything get in there Figure it out
1
SPEAKER_03
and just be miserable, and then that might cause you to be angry.
1
SPEAKER_03
As opposed to in that moment when she s about to yell, it s like, okay, you have to, it s a moment for self-care.
1
SPEAKER_03
And that s okay to give yourself that gift.
1
SPEAKER_01
For sure, and hopefully Jess has the ability.
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t know if Jess has a partner or spouse or family around, but if you do, it is a good idea to take that time for yourself.
1
SPEAKER_01
And once you collect your feelings and emotions, you can pop back into life, interacting with your kids.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay, hope that helps, Jess.
1
SPEAKER_01
We re going to take a quick break to answer a question that came in our therapy etiquette inbox.
1
SPEAKER_01
This segment is where we answer those awkward questions we all have as people getting the professional help we need and deserve and is sponsored by BetterHelp.
1
SPEAKER_01
This month, we wanted to highlight another popular question that we ve gotten from a few of you around encouraging a loved one to start therapy.
1
SPEAKER_01
The question is, I m in therapy and I really think my partner slash parent slash best friend also needs to be in therapy for their mental health, but I m afraid to talk to them about it because they may get defensive.
1
SPEAKER_01
Any advice?
1
SPEAKER_01
I m proud of a lot of our listeners for getting what they deserve, a therapist.
1
SPEAKER_01
You deserve one.
1
SPEAKER_01
I deserve one.
1
SPEAKER_01
Everybody deserves a person dedicated to your mental health.
1
SPEAKER_01
But we all know that it s an uphill climb to get there.
1
SPEAKER_01
A lot of you ask, how can I encourage a friend or family member to go?
1
SPEAKER_01
It seems like a lot of us are concerned about approaching a loved one about therapy because it could be seen as judgy or that we re telling people that they have problems that need to be solved.
1
SPEAKER_01
But I trust that you can think of ways of framing your encouragement that are empowering, not judgmental, like, hey friend, you ve been through a lot and I think you deserve a place dedicated to your own healing.
1
SPEAKER_01
Or, hey, you re always so attuned and articulate with your own emotions, and I actually think you d be amazing in therapy because of that.
1
SPEAKER_01
I wonder if your own therapist has some guidance for you all here, especially because we re talking about relationships between you and your loved ones, which are complex.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I bet there s something there that you could use help processing too.
1
SPEAKER_01
Ultimately, the choice to go to therapy and trust in the process is an individual one.
1
SPEAKER_01
It makes sense to want to see a loved one thrive in therapy, but they need to buy in for it to work.
1
SPEAKER_01
As always, thank you to our therapy etiquette sponsor, BetterHelp.
1
SPEAKER_01
If you have any questions about the unspoken rules of therapy etiquette, share them with us by calling 833-275-8444 or visiting donasktig.org slash contact.
1
SPEAKER_01
Now let s get back to the show.
1
SPEAKER_01
Stephanie, our home is known as Kitty City, which I guess makes us co-mayors.
1
SPEAKER_01
This next question came to us from a fellow cat lover.
1
SPEAKER_01
Libby writes, I like cats.
1
SPEAKER_01
How many cats can I own before it gets weird?
1
SPEAKER_01
I say go for it.
1
SPEAKER_01
We have three and I want a fourth.
1
SPEAKER_01
I had 12 as a kid.
1
SPEAKER_03
I think you would just keep going.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
Would you ever stop?
1
SPEAKER_01
Why stop?
1
SPEAKER_01
Why would you stop?
1
SPEAKER_01
Why should Libby stop?
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
If the kitties are being fed and getting attention.
1
SPEAKER_03
I think if you can manage the cleanliness,
1
SPEAKER_03
I feel like you can only have so many cats on you at a time and then one starts to feel left out.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s worth the struggle.
1
SPEAKER_01
If you re going to have a lot of cats, I think it s good to have outdoor cats if you re in an area that s safe to have cats outside.
1
SPEAKER_01
Because when I was in Texas as a kid, that s when we had 12 cats.
1
SPEAKER_01
Two of them lived inside.
1
SPEAKER_01
But man, there was nothing better than playing in the backyard and having all these kitties running around.
1
SPEAKER_01
Are you kidding me?
1
SPEAKER_01
And right now, when I m visiting my friend here in Texas, every walk we take, there s just kitties everywhere on rooftops and windows, windowsills on the outside of the house.
1
SPEAKER_01
And she was teasing me because the whole time I m stopping and taking pictures of these cats and videos of cats walking along fences and on rooftops.
1
SPEAKER_01
They re everywhere.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s heavenly.
1
SPEAKER_01
Libby, don t be ridiculous.
1
SPEAKER_03
Go for it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Keep going.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, we re the co-mayors of Kitty City, so.
1
SPEAKER_03
And we spend a good amount of the week sending each other cat videos.
1
SPEAKER_01
Even in the same house?
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t even have to be out of town or on tour or working.
1
SPEAKER_01
We could be in the same house and sending each other pictures of our cats.
1
SPEAKER_03
No, I m talking about even like online, like funny or cute videos.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, my gosh.
1
SPEAKER_03
Oh, yeah, or this thing we do where
1
SPEAKER_03
you ll be like brushing your teeth or something, or I ll be brushing mine, and you re like, come here, it s worth it.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s worth it.
1
SPEAKER_03
And we will both say it s worth it, and we ll stop what we re doing just to go look at whatever cute thing is happening.
1
SPEAKER_01
In our house.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, that s the line.
1
SPEAKER_01
Stephanie, it s worth it.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then that is when you know the cat is doing something that could end at any second.
1
SPEAKER_01
You need to get up now and go, it s worth it.
1
SPEAKER_03
And it s always the same thing, just sprawled out.
1
SPEAKER_01
Curled up in a ball or sprawled out.
1
SPEAKER_03
Or just look, she s in the sun.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, look, she s batting that little thing.
1
SPEAKER_01
All right, Stephanie, our last listener question is about style.
1
SPEAKER_01
Laura writes, Tig, I need a new haircut.
1
SPEAKER_01
You obviously can t see my hair, but it s so dull.
1
SPEAKER_01
I ll describe it to you.
1
SPEAKER_01
Brown, long, middle part, same length.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m a girl, by the way.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s not that deep, but I need a change in my life.
1
SPEAKER_01
Only problem is that I ve never had a drastic haircut I didn t regret.
1
SPEAKER_01
So should I dye it pink?
1
SPEAKER_01
Should I wear a fringe?
1
SPEAKER_01
Should I shave it all off?
1
SPEAKER_01
Should I care this much about hair?
1
SPEAKER_01
Whatever you tell me to do, I ll do it.
1
SPEAKER_02
Whoa.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_01
I say don t dye it pink.
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t know what a fringe is.
1
SPEAKER_01
Do you, Stephanie?
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, bangs.
1
SPEAKER_03
Oh, that s a fringe?
1
SPEAKER_01
I guess so.
1
SPEAKER_01
Hmm.
1
SPEAKER_01
Should she get bangs?
1
SPEAKER_01
That seems, you know what, that seems like that would be the easiest change.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, but that, I feel like I need to see what she looks like.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_03
Because people really regret bangs.
1
SPEAKER_03
or they get them and they think they ve never looked better in their life.
1
SPEAKER_01
Uh-huh.
1
SPEAKER_03
Things can look really cool.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
Did she preface this by saying that she really wanted a change in her life or she s just bored by her hair?
1
SPEAKER_01
She said, I need a change in my life.
1
SPEAKER_01
She actually said that.
1
SPEAKER_03
That s what I thought.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
This is probably not very fun advice, but I feel like, you know, you could start with layers and then you could do like, see how that feels.
1
SPEAKER_03
Then you could start with like longer bangs, see if you re okay.
1
SPEAKER_03
Like go in stages.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, that s what I was saying is there s so many different kinds of bangs.
1
SPEAKER_01
If you get the right bangs, they could fall nicely.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
But if she s like, I want a huge change in my life.
1
SPEAKER_03
And she s saying shave her head.
1
SPEAKER_01
What about pigtails?
1
SPEAKER_03
She didn t specify good or bad change.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s like surprises.
1
SPEAKER_01
I always say they re not necessarily always good.
1
SPEAKER_01
I wouldn t say shave it all off, but you re right.
1
SPEAKER_01
It would help to see this person.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, because maybe it would look really cool shaved off.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, should I care this much about hair?
1
SPEAKER_01
I say, yeah, you should.
1
SPEAKER_01
Even though I look like I just rolled out of bed and half the time I have, I care so much about my hair.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
Stephanie cares so much about her hair.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s so important to me.
1
SPEAKER_01
But I do feel like if you ve never had bangs, it s a place to start.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
Or hair color.
1
SPEAKER_01
What color?
1
SPEAKER_03
Blonde.
1
SPEAKER_03
What if she like went blonde?
1
SPEAKER_03
All right.
1
SPEAKER_03
If you had dark hair and you dyed it blonde and you got bangs, you would feel a massive change in your life.
1
SPEAKER_01
And pigtails.
1
SPEAKER_03
Put them in pigtails.
1
SPEAKER_01
Is it pigtails?
1
SPEAKER_01
Do they call them that too?
1
SPEAKER_01
Pigtails?
1
SPEAKER_01
I ve never heard that.
1
SPEAKER_01
I have piggy tails.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s a better way to say it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Piggy tails.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s all bad.
1
SPEAKER_03
Pig tails or piggy tails.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
Why did they say pig?
1
SPEAKER_03
They don t have two things anywhere.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s true.
1
SPEAKER_01
They don t have two things anywhere.
1
SPEAKER_01
They have ears.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
They have cloven hooves.
1
SPEAKER_03
Is a pig tail referring to a pig s tail and then you just have two of them?
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I guess so.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, and I bet that it came from also curling them.
1
SPEAKER_01
You probably curled them with a curling iron or something.
1
SPEAKER_03
That is so weird and gross that somebody was doing somebody s hair and was like, look at that pigtail.
1
SPEAKER_03
Would you like a pigtail?
1
SPEAKER_03
And then you curl it and they re like, that s so cute.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
Dye your hair blonde, get bangs, and have one pig tail.
1
SPEAKER_01
And why can t the back of your head be one piggy tail?
1
SPEAKER_01
That s a pony tail.
1
SPEAKER_01
I know.
1
SPEAKER_03
The pony got that one.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
Named after tails.
1
SPEAKER_01
Clearly this all came from the farm during like pioneer times.
1
SPEAKER_01
No other reference point.
1
SPEAKER_01
All right, Laura, this isn t quite a name that thing, but our advice to you is legally binding.
1
SPEAKER_01
Please send in a photo of yourself with your new haircut.
1
SPEAKER_01
Stephanie, our last segment is called come back to me later.
1
SPEAKER_01
Everyone wishes they had the perfect response at the ready for certain social interactions.
1
SPEAKER_01
Come back to me later is the part of the show where we make that wish come true.
2
SPEAKER_02
true.
2
SPEAKER_02
This request comes to us from Sid.
2
SPEAKER_02
Sid writes, Hey Tig, my wife and I recently had a baby and she s wonderful.
2
SPEAKER_02
I carried her, am feminine presenting, and often when we re out in the world, people just assume that my partner is a man.
2
SPEAKER_02
They refer to my husband when they ask questions.
2
SPEAKER_02
I m looking for something funny or good to say to them when I let them know our baby s second parent is my wife, not my husband.
2
SPEAKER_02
I would love your thoughts and Stephanie s too.
2
SPEAKER_02
What have you two said or done in this situation? 
2
SPEAKER_02
I mean, I just have my go-to of, I just say, oh, I m female.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s what I was gonna say, is you always very directly say, I m female.
2
SPEAKER_03
And there s no other follow-up.
2
SPEAKER_03
And then it lingers, and then the person apologizes.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
But then there have been times, which I talked about in my stand-up, the Happy to Be Here special, I talk about how when somebody misgenders me, I misgender them in response.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, yeah, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
Where they ll say, Sir, could I get your coat?
2
SPEAKER_02
And if it s a woman, I ll say, No, sir.
2
SPEAKER_02
No, no, thank you, sir.
2
SPEAKER_02
So those are my two things.
2
SPEAKER_02
Do you have any ideas, Stephanie?
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, I mean, I m so used to you.
2
SPEAKER_03
I every time it happens, I know for sure you re going to say that.
2
SPEAKER_03
And so I m trying to think of like, what is another way to do it?
2
SPEAKER_03
And you know, it s like those moments are so tricky because nobody s trying to offend anybody.
2
SPEAKER_03
It s just that sort of like when they re in the world of assumptions and just firing off.
2
SPEAKER_03
I don t know what she could say or like, what would you want me to say if you weren t to say anything?
2
SPEAKER_02
I guess I don t want you to say anything.
2
SPEAKER_02
I guess I don t need you to, but I think it s nice that Sid is looking out for her wife.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
If it s a joke or not, I do think it s important to correct the person.
2
SPEAKER_03
And because I think people really walk away from that moment going, Oh God, I m never going to do that again.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
You also used to say her husband.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, her husband.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, that s my her husband.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I guess you could say that.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, that s not my husband.
2
SPEAKER_02
That s my her husband.
2
SPEAKER_02
Sid, that s what we think.
2
SPEAKER_02
And a warm welcome to the newest member of your family.
2
SPEAKER_02
Stephanie, that s the end of the show.
2
SPEAKER_02
Thanks for joining me.
2
SPEAKER_02
Did you have a good time?
2
SPEAKER_02
I had a great time.
2
SPEAKER_02
Did you?
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I did.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, good.
2
SPEAKER_02
Did you?
2
SPEAKER_02
I did.
2
SPEAKER_02
Is there anything that you would like to mention or talk about before you go?
2
SPEAKER_03
Well, if you re in Los Angeles, I do a show at the Bright Citizens Brigade Theater called Pretty Darn Queer once a month.
2
SPEAKER_02
And what about your show with May?
2
SPEAKER_03
And yeah, I often perform in May Martin and Friends at Largo.
2
SPEAKER_03
in May s show, pretty much around Los Angeles.
2
SPEAKER_02
Great, well, we should get together and have dinner sometime.
2
SPEAKER_02
Thank you again for taking time to do the show and be my first repeat guest on Don t Ask Tig.
2
SPEAKER_03
Happy to be here again.
2
SPEAKER_02
Still.
2
SPEAKER_02
Still.
2
SPEAKER_02
All right, well, I guess we ll log off here and then continue texting and calling each other all day.
2
SPEAKER_02
All right.
2
SPEAKER_02
Well, I love you.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I ll I ll talk to you soon.
2
SPEAKER_02
Bye bye.
2
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_02
Goodbye.
2
SPEAKER_02
And now that the show is over, go to DontAskTig.org slash live to sign up for our special virtual event with Mark Marin on April 24th at 6pm Pacific Time, 9pm Eastern and 8pm Central.
2
SPEAKER_02
For more information, head to DontAskTig.org slash live and donate $15 or more to attend.
2
SPEAKER_02
Again, Don t Ask Tig Live with Marc Maron is happening April 24th at 6 p.m.
2
SPEAKER_02
Pacific Time.
2
SPEAKER_02
Head to DontAskTig.org slash live.
2
SPEAKER_02
Looking forward to seeing you all there.
2
SPEAKER_02
Don t Ask Tig is hosted by me, Tig Notaro.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s produced by Thomas Ouellette and Shana Deloria.
2
SPEAKER_02
Our executive producer and editor is Beth Perlman.
2
SPEAKER_02
Engineering and sound mixing by Alex Simpson.
2
SPEAKER_02
Digital production by James Napoli.
2
SPEAKER_02
Talent booking by Marianne Ways.
2
SPEAKER_02
Production support from Maria Wurtele.
2
SPEAKER_02
Our theme music is Friend in Tig by Edie Burkell and Kyle Krushen, and Listen to Your Heart by Edie Burkell.
2
SPEAKER_02
Special thanks to Hunter Seidman.
2
SPEAKER_02
APM Studios executives in charge are Chandra Kavati, Alex Schaffert, and Joanne Griffith.
2
SPEAKER_02
Concept developed by Tracy Mumford.
2
SPEAKER_02
Our executive consultant is Dean Capello and Gobsmack Studios.
2
SPEAKER_02
You can always ask for advice at DontAskTig.org.
2
SPEAKER_02
Just write in with your problem or send us a voice memo.
2
SPEAKER_02
Remember to follow us on social media at DontAskTig.
2
SPEAKER_02
DontAskTig is a production of American Public Media.
2
SPEAKER_02
And as always, thanks Dana, and I ll tell Becky.
2
SPEAKER_02
Hi, I m stand-up comedian and sex symbol Tig Notaro.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I m actor and writer Sheryl Hines.
2
SPEAKER_02
Before Sheryl and I got into the big business of podcasting together, we were just simply friends.
2
SPEAKER_00
And we re still friends.
2
SPEAKER_00
But now we talk about a different documentary every week on our podcast, Tig and Sheryl, True Story.
2
SPEAKER_00
So whether you love documentaries or just want to hear us slowly lose our minds, check out Tig and Sheryl, True Story, wherever you get your podcasts.
2
SPEAKER_02
Alright, cool.