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My name is Lee Hawkins.
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I ve been a journalist for over 25 years.
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On my new podcast, What Happened in Alabama, I get answers to some of the hardest questions about how things came to be for many black Americans and the truth that must come before any reconciliation can happen.
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I investigate my family history, my upbringing in Minnesota, and my father s painful nightmares about growing up in Alabama.
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What Happened in Alabama is a new series confronting the cycles of trauma for myself, my family, and for many Black Americans.
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Listen now.
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Friends, we have an update from a listener that Sheng Wang and I gave some advice to a few weeks ago.
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Kara in New England wrote to us wondering what to do about a disappointing request from her boyfriend.
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Here s the backstory.
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Kara was running her first marathon in Virginia and her boyfriend asked if he could skip out on cheering her on to the finish line so he could see his favorite West Coast comedian do a rare performance in New York City.
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Kara wrote back to say, Hello again.
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Thank you for answering my question regarding whether my boyfriend should support me at my first marathon or see his favorite comedian.
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As it turns out, before I even had the chance to talk to him about it, he told me to forget that he asked and happily came with me to the race.
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I crossed the finish line and he was right there waiting for me.
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But he missed out on your pal, Conan O Brien.
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Does that change your answer?
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Kara, as much as I love Conan, and I do, I love Conan so much, my answer does remain the same.
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Your boyfriend did the right thing by prioritizing your big milestone ahead of live comedy.
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And I also know that even if it s a rare appearance,
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something will pop up.
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Comedians and performers are always taking gigs.
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Trust me.
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I mean, I won t even go into the details of the weird gig that I have coming up in a couple of weeks, where I didn t think I would be.
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So, listeners who have received advice on this show, write me back.
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Let me know how it s going out there.
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I may even read your follow-up in a future episode.
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All right, on with the show.
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And we also have something that really prevents us from a real casual social hang, which is children.
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I was going to say cats.
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This is Don t Ask Tig.
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I m Tig Notaro.
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Often wondering, how did this get asked?
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Today s guest is an actor, comedian, producer, director, and podcaster.
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He is known and loved for his performances as Keith in Showtime s Black Monday and Andre in The League.
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You ve also seen him on Veep, The Good Place, and many more.
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He co-hosts the movie podcast Unspooled and How Did This Get Made.
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Paul Scheer, thank you for joining me.
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I m so excited to be here.
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And you know, I remember when you came on How Did This Get Made, and I think you have one of my favorite appearances on that show.
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Hmm, that can t be true.
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It definitely is true because you are the only guest who has fallen asleep during the movie that we were going to talk about and then you came on stage and you did a pretty good job talking about the movie that you did not watch.
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And I will say in fairness to you, you were organizing a gigantic festival and it was one of the most fun events because we actually screened the movie.
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The only time we ve ever screened the movie before we ve done
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the podcast, and I was just impressed that you were able to have tons of jokes without really seeing more than it seemed like 10, 15 minutes of the film.
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Well, I appreciate your kind words, and I will have you know, I did get some hate mail from your listeners.
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Oh, they hate women.
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Okay.
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Whenever we have a female guest on, there s a lot of negative feedback in general.
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That seems to be a takeaway.
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Well, look, I m mainly impressed that they recognized my gender.
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OK, so that s the big takeaway.
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But I had a great time, but I was embarrassed that I was not you know, I didn t feel like the best guest, but I appreciate your kind words.
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There are two guests that come to mind that were not good guests, and you are not even in that top five, because you are somebody who I truly think is just naturally funny, but also can make something out of nothing.
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One of my favorite memories of performing with you
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is when we would drag you out to come do Crash Test, which was an 11 o clock show here in Los Angeles.
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And so we had a certain audience there.
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They did not have anywhere to go in the morning.
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And the show had that vibe.
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Like, if you re out at 11 p.m., like, all bets are off.
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It doesn t have to be polished.
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It can be loose.
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And just remembering you sitting in a seat next to an audience member, just chatting
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And there d be these great fun bits.
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I think we even did a chat roulette with you at one point or did something like that when chat roulette was a thing where you could basically just pull up a random image of somebody and most of those people were just naked.
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Sounds like something that will draw me anywhere, you know.
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But you always, I think, can make something out of nothing.
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And I hope that I give you a little more than nothing today.
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I feel like you do the same kind of work.
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And I have to say that, you know, you and I have known each other for a long time.
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And I consider you a friend, but I don t see you very often.
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Same with your wife, June Diane Raphael.
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Also an incredible comedian and actor.
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I don t see you very much, but then we did this pickled CBS tournament.
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You and I had a little breakaway and just chatting about life and marriage.
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And in that moment, I was thinking, I love this guy.
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I feel the same.
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I felt we really got to a deep little moment there.
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Yeah, and I was feeling like I would love to take this elsewhere and chat and have coffee or food.
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We need to have a double date.
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Well, just so you know, I consider you a friend.
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June considers you a friend.
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I love hanging out with you.
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And I would love to do that.
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It would be really fun.
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Now, Paul...
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Yes.
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We must discuss the fact that we re both in the Star Trek universe.
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Do you realize this?
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I do realize this.
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And I m such a fan.
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Like, I love Star Trek.
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I m a big nerd for it.
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So when I saw you on it, I was...
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I was very excited.
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When you saw Tig in space.
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Yeah, I need to see Tig in space.
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I just did my first convention.
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I did stand-up there.
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How was that?
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It was really fun and felt nothing like any other stand-up show I ve done.
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Do you do any Star Trek material?
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No.
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And I don t ever shift anything for any show I m doing.
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Okay.
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I just come in and I go, oh, this is what I found funny.
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Thank you and good night.
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I think that your humor is incredibly universal.
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It s cerebral, it s silly, it s fun.
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I feel like it would work in that room.
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Did it not work?
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Things worked.
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The vibe was just different.
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You know, I was in a convention center.
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I wasn t in a theater.
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The sound was a little weird.
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You know what I mean?
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Right.
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It s not the perfect... It s big ceilings, wide.
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And spaceships behind me.
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And, you know, it just... Of course, that s what doing stand-up at a Star Trek convention is.
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I will say that I once saw two Star Trek people do love letters live, which is like a play where basically each actor sits on one side of the stage and they just perform love letters to each other.
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It s like a long distance relationship.
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And that was a really interesting thing as well to do like a kind of off-Broadway show in this setting where people are also like buying like DVDs in the far back.
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It feels like if you make any appearance on Star Trek, you can run with it for a while in any direction that you would like to.
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Yeah.
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Now, Paul, you ve been married to June for, I mean... Yes.
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Just celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary.
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Wow.
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We have been together since 2005.
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So we are coming up on almost two decades together.
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wild.
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And you re also collaborators, which Stephanie and I are as well.
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How do you manage that?
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Because I look to you and I think it works really well when I see the two of you working together.
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Are there rules that you need to set forth as creative people aside from your, you know, your personal relationship?
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Like, how do you do you talk about it at all?
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Yeah, we talk about it, but we don t have, so far, any issues.
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We love working together, and we feel like we make each other better and elevate each other.
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There have been times where I ve gone into projects trying things out, only to find this isn t for me, but I m glad I tried it.
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People are always like, oh, my gosh, you directed a movie with your wife?
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How was that?
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And I m like,
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Really, Grace.
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Like, we love working together.
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But I just, like, working alone or with anyone else, I just stumble into moments where I m like, I actually don t want to do this anymore.
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I want to do something else.
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But whenever I have the opportunity to work with her, that is my ideal situation.
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Yeah, no, I love that.
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I mean, I love working with June and it s so fun to collaborate with her because I think she brings out so many great things in me and I hope I bring out good things in her.
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But the the thing I get scared of is I never want it to affect anything in our personal life.
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I don t want to bring home a work issue.
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So far, it hasn t.
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But I ve been in a relationship where it had.
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And that really, like, makes me gun shy.
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Maybe I m mature now and I can handle it a little bit better.
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But I do agree with you, like having her eyes on something, seeing her take on this makes me better and makes the project more fun.
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It s fun to collaborate.
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Yeah, that s how we feel.
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I think that the world that we are in often rewards people or expects everyone to do everything by themselves.
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And it just feels like that s the least fun that I can possibly have.
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I love collaboration and I really love it with Stephanie.
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What I can say is there have been times where we ve had stuff in our personal life that s made a day at work difficult because we still have this thing going on.
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Of course.
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And that s natural.
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I mean, I will say this.
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I love this partnership creatively and personally for the two of you, because I think that you re both incredibly funny.
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And I think you know what you want and I think you know what you like.
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And I ve worked with so many different people who are a little bit more wishy washy with that.
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And I think that that maybe is the key to it, too.
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Like you are clear on what you want and who you are.
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And yeah.
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I appreciate your kind words, and it would be a fun day if you were in something that we were doing.
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Maybe the four of us working together.
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I would love it.
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Any advice for people that work with their spouses?
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I think the thing that I m trying to do more is I don t want to be upset if I ve hurt your feelings.
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And I say that in June s way.
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So if June says, I m upset you hurt my feelings, I want to acknowledge that.
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I want to apologize for that.
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and I want to make it better.
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I think a lot of the times I ve been defensive when someone s like, oh, you hurt my feelings.
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Like, well, how could you be hurt?
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I didn t mean it like that.
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I meant it like this.
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I try to explain away the hurt and I try to justify why you shouldn t be hurt.
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And I think right now I m trying to lose that defensiveness and just be like, let s talk about it.
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And part of this is all about the honesty of it too.
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Like, I m feeling this way.
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I m feeling uncomfortable here.
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And really hearing the other person.
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So losing that defensiveness, I think, has been big for me.
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We just had a call today on something we re working on.
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And June s like, I felt like you didn t make enough room for me in that call.
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And I just I want to acknowledge that that is a true feeling.
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I didn t intend it to be that, but that s what it is.
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And I want to now move forward and acknowledge that and do better for myself, but also not be defensive about getting a note, you know, or a critique.
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Yeah, it s funny hearing you talk about that.
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It brings me back to our pickled day where I m like, yeah, I would love to hear more about this.
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I would love to talk more about it.
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And girlfriend, we ve got to get a drink and chat.
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Yes, I m down.
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I am ready for it.
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Well, now, are you ready to give advice to the listeners?
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I can t wait.
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I ve pride myself on having OK advice.
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Oh, well, that s really good.
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That s better than what I have.
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Well, you re a parent and our first question is about parenting.
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So I expect you to be an expert, Paul.
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I cannot wait.
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Christina writes, dearest Tig, my daughter is about to turn seven in a month.
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Although I put her to sleep in her bed, in the middle of the night she climbs into bed with me.
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I tell her that she is a big girl and she needs to sleep in her own bed.
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How can I get her to stay in her own bed?
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Yours truly, Christina.
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Did you run into any of this?
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Did I run into it?
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This morning, I was dealing with this.
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Like, this is something that never goes away, in my opinion.
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And I think, look...
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My ultimate end result on this is, there s going to come a moment where they never want to get in your bed again.
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Fingers crossed.
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Maybe just embrace it.
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My son, my youngest son, often sneaks into my bed.
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I think when they wake up in the middle of the night, they don t know what to do.
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They don t know how to self-soothe to go back to bed.
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It s not something you can teach.
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It s just sort of like, I wake up in the middle of the night, but I m like, okay, I ll go back to bed.
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I think they wake up like, hmm, I ll go in their room.
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I don t know.
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Yeah, we don t have an answer to this at our house.
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And it feels like our sons go through phases where one will come in, and then none will come in, and then both will come in.
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And then we have three cats on the bed too.
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And Stephanie and I did just kind of
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reach a point of feeling like what you said is they re eventually going to stop coming in there.
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If they don t, then that is obviously a much bigger issue if you have a grown-up still living at home, sleeping with you.
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And not to take it to a really dark, sad place, but this really stuck with me because it s very new in my life.
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some friends of ours lost their little boy.
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He was eight or nine.
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And one of the things that his mother said was, let your kid sleep with you.
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She d give anything in the world.
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That s killing me right now.
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And I think I am a person who looks at life often like that.
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I really try in the moment to be like, this is making me happy.
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Last night, I had my two kids in my arms and June was there too.
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We were all kind of snuggled up on the couch.
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And in these moments, I just try to like look and snapshot it and try to snapshot a feeling of it and just be like, this is all I need.
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This is what makes me happy.
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And I love this.
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And I want to acknowledge them because I do get these fears of, you know, there s obviously what you just spoke about, which is I can t even fathom.
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And I ve had friends who ve had a similar situation.
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But I also just want to be like, these are the moments.
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These are the moments that we are looking for.
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Like, there s nothing more than these moments.
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Like, this is it.
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Yeah, I think people can get caught up
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in this is where they should be at this age, this is what is right, this is what is wrong, this is what if this, what if that?
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It s like, ah, you know, yes, there is something to keeping kids in step with where they should be developmentally.
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And then there s other moments or other things where you just go, ah,
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I m gonna let this slide.
0
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Yeah, I think you re totally right.
0
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You can get caught up in these like mile markers of being a parent.
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Yes.
0
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The one piece of advice that I give to a lot of new parents is
0
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Don t take anyone s advice unless it works for you.
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Because there s so many people out there to say, this is the right way to do this.
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This is the wrong way to do that.
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They must do this.
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They must do that.
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And it s like, take what works and discard the rest and don t feel guilty about it.
0
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Because every kid is completely different.
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Our kids are completely different.
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I love them to pieces.
0
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And I read this book.
0
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It s called us.
0
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It s under the goop label.
0
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The prologue is written by Bruce Springsteen.
0
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Like, I wish I could have an audio book of Bruce talking about relationships.
0
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I mean, he s the boss.
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He s the boss.
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He s the boss.
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Bruce.
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So but he talked about this idea.
0
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that he never was a person to get up with his kids.
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And he d always sleep in because he was doing shows and he missed all this time.
0
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And his wife said to him at one point, like, you should get up one morning with the kids and just see what it s like.
0
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And he realized, oh, my God, like, I get to connect with him.
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I get to talk with him.
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We get to have fun.
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And I get up with the kids every morning.
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That s like my role.
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And I hate it.
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I hate getting up at six thirty in the morning.
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I hate it.
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And I ll dread it.
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And I m tired at ten.
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And I hate being someone who s exhausted by ten o clock.
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But I love it because I m actually getting this time with them.
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And Bruce Springsteen talks about this idea of like, I now get up with them, get them out the door and then I go back to bed.
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But I never want to miss this time.
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And I think that, like, sometimes we re so obsessed with, like, marking off time, whether it s like, OK, we re going to go to summer vacation.
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OK, this is over.
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This is over.
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Those are the moments, the dumbest moments or the lamest moments are the best.
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It truly is.
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It s like there doesn t need to be anything.
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And I said to June, when I talk about our future and our life, I m like, all I see, the goal for me,
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is to see just us being happy wherever we are.
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That s the ultimate only goal.
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Absolutely.
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Yes, yes, yes.
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And Christina, good luck and good night to you and your daughter.
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And as Paul said, If it gets too bad, you can do what June and I do.
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If they re kicking us, hitting us, we just go into their bed.
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I m not above it.
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I m not above going, oh, all right, well, I m just gonna move over there.
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It s just as comfortable.
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That s hilarious.
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Oh my gosh, I can t wait to tell Stephanie that.
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All right, Paul, let s take a short break.
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And then when we return, I have more questions.
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Yes.
1
SPEAKER_02
a six billion dollar con.
1
SPEAKER_02
It didn t take long for it to spread like wildfire.
1
SPEAKER_02
You got to take a look at this really crazy gold stock.
1
SPEAKER_02
A buddy of mine got in at a dime.
1
SPEAKER_02
Which destroyed lives and devastated communities.
1
SPEAKER_01
Every little town across the nation, people have shares in this.
1
SPEAKER_02
We lost everything.
1
SPEAKER_02
And to date, no one has been brought to justice.
1
SPEAKER_03
Somebody knows more than we know.
1
SPEAKER_02
The $6 billion gold scam from the BBC World Service and CBC.
1
SPEAKER_02
Search for the $6 billion gold scam wherever you get your podcasts.
1
SPEAKER_00
And we re back.
1
SPEAKER_00
Paul, this next one is from Emily.
1
SPEAKER_00
Emily in Milwaukee, Wisconsin writes, dear Tig, a couple of months ago, my boyfriend of eight years and I split up.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s for good and I m good with that.
1
SPEAKER_00
I mean, even his mom quit all our in-progress words with friends games.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yikes.
1
SPEAKER_00
We didn t live together, so it s been uncomplicated, mutual, and amicable.
1
SPEAKER_00
We shared only a phone plan, which he paid for, but we have since divided, and some streaming services, which I pay for.
1
SPEAKER_00
I don t hate his guts or anything, and it doesn t cost me more to leave his profiles active on the apps.
1
SPEAKER_00
but it just feels strange having him on there.
1
SPEAKER_00
Is it cool to change my streaming passwords?
1
SPEAKER_00
And if so, how long should I wait?
1
SPEAKER_00
Do I give notice?
1
SPEAKER_00
Emily, I mean, I feel like you can do this whenever and as soon as you d like.
1
SPEAKER_00
I feel like it s completely reasonable.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I would say it would be nice to give notice because if you don t, it ll seem like you re making an angry point or that there s more to it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Paul, do you have any thoughts or feelings?
1
SPEAKER_03
No, I mean, this is such a funny division.
1
SPEAKER_03
Like, most people are like, who gets the dog?
1
SPEAKER_03
It s like, who gets the Netflix account?
1
SPEAKER_03
I think that as someone who has given people a Netflix account in the past, and right now we have a member of our family who has our HBO Max account, so I get to see what they re watching.
1
SPEAKER_03
I m always surprised that, oh, wow, you re really burning through hung.
1
SPEAKER_03
I m like, okay, sure.
1
SPEAKER_03
I do think what you said is spot on.
1
SPEAKER_03
You don t want to make it seem like you re spiking the ball and you re like, you don t get this.
1
SPEAKER_03
You know, I think it could just be like, it s tricky because if it doesn t bother you, what do you care?
1
SPEAKER_03
You could rename the profile.
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, I feel like some people are just like, I m ready to have a clean break.
1
SPEAKER_00
I just don t want any attachment to this person, not because I dislike them, but I am just ready to move on.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so I understand that, but I just always feel like the best answer would be to quietly walk away and do it like you said, and giving them a heads up and being done.
1
SPEAKER_03
Can I suggest a lying part of this?
1
SPEAKER_03
And maybe this is the wrong thing for me to say, like, you know what, I m just, I m gonna cancel Netflix.
1
SPEAKER_00
No, no, no.
1
SPEAKER_00
There s no need.
1
SPEAKER_00
There is no need to lie.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s the easiest thing to say, hey, I m just I m ready to fully have this separation.
1
SPEAKER_00
And, you know, there s no hard feelings.
1
SPEAKER_00
There s no reason for us to continue sharing an account.
1
SPEAKER_00
There s just absolutely no reason.
1
SPEAKER_03
You re right.
1
SPEAKER_03
I mean, you are right.
1
SPEAKER_00
I know I m right.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
You know what?
1
SPEAKER_03
I think you re good.
1
SPEAKER_03
I go.
1
SPEAKER_03
I m 100 percent on what Tic is saying.
1
SPEAKER_03
And I really do believe that it might be an uncomfortable email or text to send, but you will look better for it because it won t seem like you re doing it out of spite.
1
SPEAKER_03
And I think that that s that s the hard thing for me to, like, wrestle with.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s like it is uncomfortable, but it will look better and it will be actually representative of how you actually feel rather than having this person guess or feel as if
1
SPEAKER_03
you are trying to slight them.
1
SPEAKER_03
And that s a respectful thing to do.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
And you know what?
1
SPEAKER_00
Everyone will live through an awkward text or email.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I m on my side.
1
SPEAKER_00
Emily, you know it s serious when the words with friends games and so best of luck.
1
SPEAKER_00
We re going to take a break to answer a question that came in our Therapy Etiquette inbox.
1
SPEAKER_00
This segment is where we answer those awkward questions we all have as people getting the professional help we need and deserve, and is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy.
1
SPEAKER_00
This question was sent in from Nancy.
1
SPEAKER_00
Hi Tig, I have a question for your Therapy Etiquette segment.
1
SPEAKER_00
I ve been seeing my therapist pretty regularly for the last four or five years.
1
SPEAKER_00
She s funny and kind, and I really value our relationship.
1
SPEAKER_00
A couple of months ago, I think I made a mistake when I asked her whether she had experience in poly relationships, which I m exploring myself.
1
SPEAKER_00
She let me know she was weighing telling me or not and eventually did share a vague yes on the subject.
1
SPEAKER_00
It quickly felt like an overstep on my part and I didn t ask for further details.
1
SPEAKER_00
I now worry that she regrets sharing this with me.
1
SPEAKER_00
I also worry that my worry about it will corrode our relationship.
1
SPEAKER_00
Is the only way to resolve my discomfort to ask her directly?
1
SPEAKER_00
Nancy, everything you ve told us here is worth telling your therapist to.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s clear you value your relationship with your therapist and now you re worried you may have overstepped.
1
SPEAKER_00
Why not just have a conversation about it?
1
SPEAKER_00
Exploring how you relate to your therapist can
1
SPEAKER_00
Be a great way to explore how your own mind works.
1
SPEAKER_00
If you want to ease into the conversation, you could ask for a general check-in about your relationship.
1
SPEAKER_00
You could start with how much you value your therapist and then maybe segue to the stuff that s on your mind.
1
SPEAKER_00
it s very possible that she doesn t feel weird about it at all.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m not an expert on poly relationships, but in any relationship, the ritual of checking in is important.
1
SPEAKER_00
So that goes for an intimate partner and it goes for a therapist too.
1
SPEAKER_00
So why not practice checking in with your therapist?
1
SPEAKER_00
At minimum, it ll be helpful practice for your life outside therapy.
1
SPEAKER_00
And lastly, I haven t read anything in your letter to suggest that your therapist is actually uncomfortable.
1
SPEAKER_00
She never said that she felt uncomfortable.
1
SPEAKER_00
She molded over and volunteered to disclose this little detail of her personal life.
1
SPEAKER_00
So why not ask for reassurance instead of
1
SPEAKER_00
letting this worry eat away at you.
1
SPEAKER_00
I hope that s been helpful, or at least somewhat reassuring.
1
SPEAKER_00
We want to hear from you.
1
SPEAKER_00
Send us your therapy etiquette-related questions at DontAskTig.org.
1
SPEAKER_00
Thanks to our sponsor, BetterHelp.
1
SPEAKER_00
Now let s get back to the show and my conversation with Paul Scheer.
1
SPEAKER_00
Paul, you have two podcasts about good movies and terrible movies.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yes, I do.
1
SPEAKER_03
I talk with New York Times film critic Amy Nicholson on a show called Unspooled about great movies, movies that are considered classics.
1
SPEAKER_03
Are they actually good?
1
SPEAKER_03
And it started off where we were looking at the AFI list of the top 100 films, which is a list that has one
1
SPEAKER_03
a person of color as a director, and zero women on the list as a director, and a list that is primarily and predominantly full of, like, Western and Vietnam films.
1
SPEAKER_03
There s a lot of them versus others.
1
SPEAKER_03
So we started off with this idea of, like, are these movies the hundred best movies?
1
SPEAKER_03
And it s now grown into a larger conversation where we ll talk about everything from, like, Austin Powers to, you know, Bridge Over the River Kwai.
1
SPEAKER_03
Like, we will go all
1
SPEAKER_03
around.
1
SPEAKER_03
And Amy s so incredibly smart.
1
SPEAKER_03
And I love chatting with her.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s like a book club for good movie watching.
1
SPEAKER_03
And then how did this get made?
1
SPEAKER_03
Of course, with June Diane Raphael and Jason Manzoukas.
1
SPEAKER_03
We just we watch bad movies, and it s a blast.
1
SPEAKER_03
And it s so much fun.
1
SPEAKER_00
With all of your knowledge about movies, I m hoping you can help this next listener.
1
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
Julie in Wisconsin writes, Hi Tig, my wife and I watch movies together on Friday and Saturday nights as a way to connect during our busy lives.
1
SPEAKER_00
We have a one-year-old son who takes up most of our time and we don t get a lot of alone time.
1
SPEAKER_00
We tend to check out movies for free from the public library, so our selection is somewhat limited.
1
SPEAKER_00
We re running into issues with whether or not to watch movies we ve already seen and enjoyed or try new ones, which runs the risk of not liking them.
1
SPEAKER_00
If we watch a movie we both hate, I feel like it s a waste of an evening alone.
1
SPEAKER_00
What do you suggest we go for, old favorites or new?
1
SPEAKER_00
Any movie suggestions are appreciated.
1
SPEAKER_00
Paul, I hear you and feel you.
1
SPEAKER_03
Tig, I am jumping on this one because I m so excited about this.
1
SPEAKER_03
One of the things that we talk about a lot on these podcasts, and people don t know about it, is public libraries have digital media streaming services now.
1
SPEAKER_03
You can get everything for free, but it s like having access to
1
SPEAKER_03
Netflix or Paramount Plus, you don t have to be stuck with the actual selection in the library.
1
SPEAKER_03
You can get it on your tablets, iPhones, everywhere, like Hoopla and Kanopy.
1
SPEAKER_03
But Hoopla, really, you can stream audiobooks and music and everything.
1
SPEAKER_03
I just want to open up their world to the fact that most public libraries in their state, if not their town, have access to a giant selection that they may not even be aware of.
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, this is amazing information, and not at all what I thought you were waving your arms around to.
1
SPEAKER_03
Oh, no, I was so excited to plug libraries.
1
SPEAKER_00
I was more so thinking, why would it mean the evening is wasted if you don t like a movie?
1
SPEAKER_03
Oh, yeah, I should have jumped on that.
1
SPEAKER_00
I thought for sure you were going to jump on that, because to me, that creates equally as much, if not more, conversation between the two of you.
1
SPEAKER_03
My first date with June was a terrible film, and it was unintentionally terrible.
1
SPEAKER_03
I wanted to go see that Hilary Swank movie where she was the boxer.
1
SPEAKER_03
I forget the name of it, with Clint Eastwood directed it.
1
SPEAKER_03
Boys Don t Cry.
1
SPEAKER_03
Boys Don t Cry.
1
SPEAKER_03
Million Dollar Baby.
1
SPEAKER_03
I wanted to see Million Dollar Baby.
1
SPEAKER_03
And June was like, I want to see this other movie with John Travolta called A Love Song for Bobby Long.
1
SPEAKER_03
And I said, OK, let s go to The Love Song for Bobby Long.
1
SPEAKER_03
Love Song for Bobby Long is terrible.
1
SPEAKER_03
And we sat next to each other at the Angelica Theater in New York City, and it connected us in such a way.
1
SPEAKER_03
We had so much fun.
1
SPEAKER_03
I hate when people go like, let s have a movie date, because you re not talking for two hours.
1
SPEAKER_00
Although some people talk through movies, so...
1
SPEAKER_03
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, we weren t doing it in a way that was like annoying.
1
SPEAKER_03
But you know, no one was actually in that theater, I think, as a matter of fact.
1
SPEAKER_00
But, uh, we got around about the film, just not to you guys.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, exactly.
1
SPEAKER_03
Well, yeah, that s, you know, and that s fair.
1
SPEAKER_03
I agree with you.
1
SPEAKER_03
Like, just have fun.
1
SPEAKER_03
Take out something weird.
1
SPEAKER_03
Like June and I enjoy watching a Hallmark movie or a Lifetime movie more than, you
1
SPEAKER_03
any other film.
1
SPEAKER_03
And I will say that, like, we went nuts just watching a home renovation show, like, last Saturday.
1
SPEAKER_03
It was the most joy-filled evening, watching this husband and wife do renos.
1
SPEAKER_03
It was great.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s incredible.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I think more than anything, I just hope, Julie, that you and your spouse can find that
1
SPEAKER_00
the evening isn t a waste if you don t walk away saying, oh, this was the greatest movie we ve ever seen.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I would take Paul s advice and check out this
1
SPEAKER_03
Digital, yeah, digital media, yeah, media services that these libraries have.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, and also laugh at what a terrible movie you just watched.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I will say too, Tig, part of this is about them connecting, right?
1
SPEAKER_03
I mean, find ways to, like, so you re not just sitting next to each other watching a movie, like, that would be more fun.
1
SPEAKER_03
Like, we want you to, this is the time that you have, like, enjoy that time.
1
SPEAKER_00
Exactly.
1
SPEAKER_00
Listen, Paul has not one but two movie podcasts and a wife of almost two decades.
1
SPEAKER_00
So listen to what this man is saying.
1
SPEAKER_00
Paul, sadly, the show is winding down, but we have one more thing to do.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_00
Let s go back in time to hear some advice from yesteryear.
1
SPEAKER_01
When Jerry brags about taking Jenny out,
1
SPEAKER_01
He learns that she dates all the boys.
1
SPEAKER_02
So as we see now, menstruation is just one routine step in a normal and natural cycle.
1
SPEAKER_01
How do you choose a date?
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, one thing you can consider is look.
1
SPEAKER_02
I did everything you said, but my boss still hasn t asked me to lunch.
1
SPEAKER_00
Here we take a real question from an old advice column and we try to give a better answer.
1
SPEAKER_00
This question comes from Beatrice Fairfax s Advice to the Lovelorn, column in 1930.
1
SPEAKER_00
Tears writes, Dear Miss Fairfax, I was engaged to a young man and loved him devotedly.
1
SPEAKER_00
Then my girlfriend took him away from me.
1
SPEAKER_00
He asked to be released from his engagement, which I did immediately, and now they re going to be married.
1
SPEAKER_00
It is to be a large wedding with six bridesmaids and a matron of honor.
1
SPEAKER_00
They re asking me to be a bridesmaid and we are to wear special dresses, each two wearing a different color.
1
SPEAKER_00
Everyone knows I m in love with him still and that I got a raw deal, though I never said a word to anyone, even my own mother.
1
SPEAKER_00
I thought it would be amusing if I appeared at the wedding dressed entirely in black.
1
SPEAKER_00
What do you think of this?
1
SPEAKER_00
I d laugh and act as if it were just a joke.
1
SPEAKER_03
Ah, wow.
1
SPEAKER_00
Any feelings on what tears should do?
1
SPEAKER_03
Well, I mean, definitely not go to the wedding.
1
SPEAKER_03
Right?
1
SPEAKER_03
Definitely not subject themselves to it, on any level.
1
SPEAKER_03
And definitely don t go there wearing black.
1
SPEAKER_03
Like... Wear black at home.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, we re black at home.
1
SPEAKER_03
I can t quite tell if this person is still emotionally connected.
1
SPEAKER_03
The tone seems like it was signing over papers, like they wanted my boat.
1
SPEAKER_03
I signed the papers over.
1
SPEAKER_03
They now own my boat.
1
SPEAKER_03
Like, it doesn t seem like this is the love of my life.
1
SPEAKER_03
It just seemed like I allowed him to break the engagement.
1
SPEAKER_03
Now he s going to do that.
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, it was a different time.
1
SPEAKER_00
It was 1930.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I feel like, you know, people are like, well, you know, he wanted to be released.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I released him from there.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then I cried into my pillow.
1
SPEAKER_00
after I took my bonnet off, you know, or whatever was going on in 1930.
1
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_00
So you re saying you don t feel like tears was actually in love.
1
SPEAKER_03
Well, look, it seems very formal.
1
SPEAKER_03
And I think the fact that tears is a willing to come up with a bit of wearing all black makes me feel like tears is kind of over it, but would like to twist the needle or, you know, I think I would make a personal rule.
1
SPEAKER_03
Don t go to the wedding of anyone that you have dated.
1
SPEAKER_00
Even if you fully established a friendship again.
1
SPEAKER_03
I was going to put a caveat there.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yes, if you ve fully established a friendship and you truly are okay, but that takes a lot of introspection.
1
SPEAKER_03
I mean, what do you think?
1
SPEAKER_03
Would you ever go to a wedding of somebody that you had feelings for that someone dumped you?
1
SPEAKER_03
I guess somebody who dumped you.
1
SPEAKER_00
Um, you would first girlfriend got married.
1
SPEAKER_00
I went to that.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
If I remember correctly, I think I might have broken things off.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, you definitely did.
1
SPEAKER_03
Because everything I remember of you is like that was your you were like the love them and leave them like you.
1
SPEAKER_00
You cut the you cut.
1
SPEAKER_00
Listen, I ve experienced heartbreak, no doubt.
1
SPEAKER_00
Of course you have.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then somebody else that I dated that was, that was a big one.
1
SPEAKER_00
I mean, my first girlfriend was a big one too.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then this other one was a big one and I m, I m friendly with them.
1
SPEAKER_00
And my, the one that was a big one for me, she came to my wedding and I don t know, I just feel like once you ve established a friendship again, it s okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
But I wouldn t wear a black dress.
1
SPEAKER_00
I wouldn t wear a dress.
1
SPEAKER_03
No.
1
SPEAKER_03
And I do think it s very specific.
1
SPEAKER_03
You have to do a lot of introspection, but I do feel like part of a wedding is kind of saying, I went through the muck and now I found this person and now this is the right move.
1
SPEAKER_03
So it s indirectly
1
SPEAKER_03
a shot at you.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s, you know, it s indirectly saying, you clearly weren t the right person.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, like, it s like, oh, you were part of the journey that I needed to go past to find this person.
1
SPEAKER_00
But you can also have that agreement that like, yeah, that didn t work out and we re pals now.
1
SPEAKER_00
I also have this other woman that I dated where we ve become such good friends in recent years that we do bring it up and kind of laugh at like, man, how mismatched were we?
1
SPEAKER_03
Now, does Stephanie get jealous about me?
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay, no, not at all.
1
SPEAKER_03
I know I could not have that relationship.
1
SPEAKER_03
Not for my own sake, but if June ever saw me texting an ex, even if it was the most innocuous, I could feel it.
1
SPEAKER_03
I ve seen her respond to people that there s nothing there.
1
SPEAKER_03
Literally, it s like no flirtation at all.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I m like, I was like, so I don t know.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
2
SPEAKER_01
I would love to say that I m close friends with some people that I ve dated, but I really am not.
2
SPEAKER_01
And that s, you know, that s maybe me.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, well, do you want to hear what Beatrice Fairfax had to say?
2
SPEAKER_01
Yes, I would love to hear.
2
SPEAKER_02
My dear child, I cannot tell you earnestly.
2
SPEAKER_02
I beg you not to do anything as foolish or dramatic as the thing you suggest.
2
SPEAKER_02
People would remember it and tell it of you as long as you lived or longer.
2
SPEAKER_02
You would make yourself cheap and ridiculous and no girl can afford to do that.
2
SPEAKER_02
If you still decide to act as a bridesmaid, wear the dress they suggest and be the gayest of the gay.
2
SPEAKER_02
I ll wager you ll be glad sooner or later that things turned out the way they did. 
2
SPEAKER_02
Isn t it funny how casually people used the word gay back then?
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
Because it meant something else.
2
SPEAKER_01
I know.
2
SPEAKER_02
Whereas now you would be saying that tongue-in-cheek to be the gayest of the gay, unless you were gay.
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, but I also, I mean...
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t want to say anything too bold, but I like that word, like saying the gayest of the gay.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s a beautifully visual word.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m like, yes, like it just seems like you re just spreading joy and love.
2
SPEAKER_01
It seems so gay.
2
SPEAKER_01
I mean, it s a lovely word.
2
SPEAKER_01
I would love to have some more of that just used in a in a way that is, you know, in celebration.
2
SPEAKER_02
Well, do it, sir.
2
SPEAKER_02
No one s stopping you.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m going to.
2
SPEAKER_01
I will.
2
SPEAKER_01
You re right.
2
SPEAKER_01
I guess she took our advice.
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, she took my advice and your advice, which is I said, don t go in black.
2
SPEAKER_01
You said she should go.
2
SPEAKER_01
I guess my thought is, as long as you are OK with it, if you re doing it to prove a point or if you re doing it to show that you re cool with it and you re not, don t do it.
2
SPEAKER_02
Well, you didn t even trip over, though, her statement of you would make yourself cheap and ridiculous, and no girl can afford to do that.
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, that I mean, that I was chalking up to the 1930s.
2
SPEAKER_02
There s a lot you have to chalk up to the 1930s.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I mean, there I had to kind of avert my eyes on that one.
2
SPEAKER_01
I mean, I don t understand why she would be cheap, but I do believe the sentiment is right.
2
SPEAKER_01
If you came and tried to steal focus at a wedding, people would talk about you for a long time.
2
SPEAKER_02
Look, we re still talking about her.
2
SPEAKER_02
Paul, that is all we have for you.
2
SPEAKER_01
All right, well, what a pleasure.
2
SPEAKER_02
Thank you so much for stopping by.
2
SPEAKER_02
Do you have anything you d like to promote other than the word gay?
2
SPEAKER_01
No, just that we ll be getting a drink or, yeah, I would like to promote the word gay.
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We ll be getting together for some sort of a private event that will not be telecast, you know, unless you re a Patreon subscriber.
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And I can t wait to see you.
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You know, people will see us on the court.
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Yes, they will.
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Aside from CBS, it s streaming right on Paramount Plus.
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Paramount Plus.
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Now, if your boyfriend hasn t or girlfriend hasn t locked you out of your account, you can definitely watch it.
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Amazing.
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Not you.
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Yeah, I m saying in general.
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But well, Paul, it was truly such a delight and it was so great to catch up with you at the Pickled Game, whatever that was.
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And I m truly going to make sure we have something planned immediately.
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I would love that.
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There s so much
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Don t Ask Tig is hosted by me, Tig Notaro.
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It s produced by Thomas Ouellette and Shana Deloria.
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Our executive producer and editor is Beth Hurlman.
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Engineering and sound mixing by Alex Simpson.
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Digital production by James Napoli.
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Talent booking by Marianne Ways.
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Our theme music is Friend in Tig by Edie Brickell and Kyle Crescian.
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and Listen to Your Heart by Edie Brickell.
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Special thanks to Hunter Seidman.
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APM Studios executives in charge are Chandra Kavati, Alex Schaffert, and Joanne Griffith.
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Concept developed by Tracy Mumford.
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Our executive consultant is Dean Capello and Gobsmack Studios.
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You can always ask for advice at DontAskTIG.org.
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Just write in with your problem or send us a voice memo.
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Remember to follow us on social media at DontAskTIG.
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Don t Ask Tig is a production of American Public Media.
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And as always, thanks, Dana.
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And I ll tell Becky.
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I m Christina Cotarucci, and this season on Slow Burn.
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It s called Proposition 6.
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The Briggs Initiative.
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John Briggs is going to fire every gay and lesbian schoolteacher in California.
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With so much at stake, young people became activists.
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We can t let this happen in California.
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And activists became leaders.
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My name is Harvey Milk and I m here to include you.
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Slow Burn, Season 9.
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Gays Against Briggs.
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Out now, wherever you listen.