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Would you host it?
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I would co-host it with you.
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Let s put our hat in the ring.
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We work cheap.
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You can tell by the set.
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I think you don t get paid much, do you?
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No, you don t get paid to host Saturday Night Live.
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You actually have to write Lorne a check.
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That ll be $1,300.
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I take Bitcoin.
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Thank you.
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Thank you, Jennifer Lopez.
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Do you have to say my name?
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I m going to start with a joke just for fun.
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This kills really hard and it s a little politically incorrect in my act.
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This is Barack Obama giving a little talk to fourth graders and teach them lessons.
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He uses nursery rhymes.
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Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
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Jack looked at Jill and Jill looked at Jack.
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Jill said, I d like to be a Jack too.
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So Jack and Jack came down the hill.
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It s a teachable moment.
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Michelle!
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Michelle!
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Michelle!
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There we go.
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It s a pretty good joke.
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It s a little edgy.
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These two progressives loved it.
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Oh yeah, we have everyone represented.
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We re not Republicans or Democrats.
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We re regressives.
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That s our new name.
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We re regressives.
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Yeah, we can t understand the news.
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We don t know what s going on.
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This is David reading like Wall Street Journal online.
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What is it?
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What s going on?
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I don t understand.
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Too many big words.
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That s my best impression.
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Yeah, I know.
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I was like, is that me?
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I guess.
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The idea was right.
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That is what I do.
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I m not a genius.
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But tell them about the new studio.
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A secret genius, he says.
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Well, we should say that we re in a different location and normally we re spread around North America.
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Sometimes I m in Winnipeg, you never know.
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But today we re at a literal bunker somewhere.
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Undisclosed.
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In Southern California.
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Yeah.
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And spent a couple shekels deep into the coin purse.
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The company that does the podcast is technically bankrupt.
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They re in Chapter 11,000.
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They re bankrupt, but they re generous and they passed the hat around the office.
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And so we got these for $39 at the dollar store.
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So let s, let me see.
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So Dana, we re in the studio.
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Where s our camera?
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I don t even know.
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There s 17.
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I think this one s mine.
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What one should we look at?
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Just me and David talking to our audience.
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That one in the middle, below the frame.
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All right.
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Is that the wide shot?
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And that s me.
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Folks, folks, come on.
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I like this one better.
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Come on.
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We can look over here.
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Look over there.
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That s not as cameras.
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All right, before I get into my, oh, I ll tell you about my breakfast first.
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All right, here we are.
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We re starting, take five.
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Hey, David, how was your breakfast over the weekend?
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That s a great question.
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So I got ambushed at breakfast, and this happens sometimes to everybody.
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I sit in the back of the restaurant facing the wall, and I m reading the paper and physically eating.
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So a guy comes around, he goes, hey,
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I don t wanna bug you, fine, bug me.
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But that s what everyone starts with.
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They don t really mean to, but that s just.
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I hate.
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I hate to bother you.
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It kills me.
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Nothing I hate worse than bothering you.
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I go, it seems like it s going easily for you so far.
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The thing I hate most is bothering you.
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It seems like you re doing something you hate.
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And I know you re eating, and I m literally eating like four cup, not like I m sitting, I m literally eating and I go, huh?
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And he goes,
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If I could give you a pitch for, is there any way I can pitch you a movie for 30 seconds?
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It s about a guy, now that was sort of rhetorical.
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It kind of ran over my yes or no.
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Yeah, he s ahead of you.
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You know what I mean?
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He goes, yeah, he s all amped up.
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He s one step ahead of you.
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So I sit there with my fork and then he, this is how he starts the thing.
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Listen.
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By the way, I m a good guy.
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I m also a Leo.
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I happen to know you re a Leo.
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We re both Leos, so we re on pretty solid ground right now.
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And you still have your fork up here with food on it.
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Yeah, and I m like this going, it s getting weaker.
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You re frozen, you got your arm.
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Because I have weak traps and clavicles and I m like this.
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Yeah, so you re literally in pain going like this, listening to this.
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Egg heavy, has chopped pepper on it, heavier.
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Egg heavy, cannot listen to idiot anymore.
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Can t.
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figure out how long this will be going, it won t be 30 seconds for sure.
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So then he goes, so we re both Leos, I know that, because I know.
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They re the lions.
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I m a great guy.
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And then he starts, now as he s blistering, you know, he s like, pontificating through this stupid fucking, bloviating is the word I m looking for.
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All I can think of is, this is how you start your foundation on a professional career with someone in acting.
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Not, I m a great producer.
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Not, I ve done this in this movie.
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Not, I m a great writer.
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We re both Leos.
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That s your foundation.
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And by the way, all I could think of was, I m not a Leo.
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And so I go, we re already fucked.
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Everything else doesn t matter now.
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I m not, and I m a Cancer and I m getting crabby because I go, what are we doing now?
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This was your main credit is that you re a Leo.
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No other credits were mentioned.
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And then at the end, I m thinking, what if we re on a set?
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Do I want a good script writer or do I want a guy shutting down the set?
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Because Jupiter s in purple haze.
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Astrology.
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Do I want an astrologist on the set?
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Or do I want someone that s good at their job?
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What happens?
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You beat them up?
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Well, the thing is, you know, this data that went where ever since SNL days, you can t read an idea for a script.
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You can t hear an idea for a movie, because if you ever down the line do something like that.
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you could be sued, because they go, oh, that was mine.
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Yeah, you take it six years later.
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I had a rabbit in my script.
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And then you re handcuffed and taken away.
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We re getting a fix on Dana.
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What s going on?
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Don t go too tight.
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Yeah, let s pull back.
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How about Cleveland?
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Evan, the tight shot guy.
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He likes to crank down on guys who remember Kennedy versus Nixon.
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All right.
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This thing s going to look like the Zapruder film.
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So blurry.
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But, you know, the low social IQ of that guy, because I was once in the early days, I saw Bob Dylan on the streets of Manhattan.
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And I m thinking I should go over there and talk to Bob Dylan.
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And then I thought, don t, he s just Bob Dylan.
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He doesn t look like he wants to be bothered.
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So I just went up there, excuse me, Mr. Dylan, I m your biggest fan.
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How are you?
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I don t think you re really my biggest fan.
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I go, why do you sound like Norm Macdonald?
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And that was the weirdest thing.
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Years later, I met Norm and he s like talking like that.
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And I go, you sound like Bob Dylan.
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I guess we can cut that.
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No, we can t.
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No, I like that one.
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No, I can t.
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I was, I actually did run into Springsteen at one point jogging in the park.
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Boom!
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Watch out where you re going.
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I got my good hat cowboy boots on.
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I m going to run around the reservoir.
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He s running in his cowboy boots.
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Yeah.
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Cause I m Bruce Springsteen.
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I grew up in New Jersey, but I know a cow when I see one.
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Can you do anything about that underbite?
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Why would I?
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It s my signature.
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Does your jaw hurt?
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All the fucking time.
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Wearing a bite plate 24 seven.
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Not doing shit.
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Why are we shooting?
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I know I like.
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Let s get to these Oscars.
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Yeah.
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What are we doing to these self-congratulatory dandies?
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Who cares about the next movie I m shooting with Leo guy?
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Wait a minute.
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You re shooting a movie with Theo Vaughn?
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No, the guy at the fucking Leo that said he s a Leo.
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Oh, the Leo, the Theo, the wheel.
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I can t keep track of their stories.
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Leo Vaughn.
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So the Oscars were last night.
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Highlights for me.
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Oscars were not last night.
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Oscars were the other night.
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Oscars were six months ago, but we we needed to contemplate.
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Yeah, I need to contemplate.
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So I liked
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Ryan Gosling, Ken song, I thought he was funny.
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Yes.
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I thought that was good.
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Go ahead.
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Spielberg getting laughs with cutaways.
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That was funny, right?
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Yeah, that was good.
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Yep.
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That s it.
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There s a meme out now that apparently Putin watched some of the Oscars and he went nuts for I am Ken.
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No, he didn t.
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He s literally kind of giggling.
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It s on Instagram or something.
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I really was laughing at Ryan Gosling.
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Procedure
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He keeps singing, I am Ken.
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What does it mean?
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We know his name is Ken.
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It s so funny.
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It went on for a long time.
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But it was pretty funny.
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This message was brought to you by Vladimir Putin.
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I love fly on the wall.
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Bloop!
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Bloop ending.
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He brought Barbie into it when he went to the crowd.
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Barbie.
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Barbie.
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You know, they always say who wore it best.
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You know, the women come out and God bless them all.
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I don t judge.
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Look at me.
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Who wore it best?
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Last night it should have said, who wore it least?
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These are the skimpiest outfits I ve ever seen.
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Bra, they put on bra, panty, sheer thing over and walk around.
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I mean, what the?
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What s going on, women in the audience?
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Hey, peanut gallery.
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Chris, Heather.
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We ve run out of ideas on what to wear.
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Did you think it was especially sort of less clothes on the red carpet or no?
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Well, it s a trending thing right now where you wear see-through like lace number with underwear underneath it.
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SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
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And so why do you think it is trending?
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I like the trends.
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No, maybe.
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Well, it s young people with perfect bodies.
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And not wearing bras, that s another thing, too, have you noticed?
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Yeah.
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I walked up behind one of those young ladies, Anita, and she had a 100% see-through with basically just a thong.
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Thunderpants.
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And I didn t know that was her, I didn t know who she was, but the front was fully see-through, so I didn t even look, but I saw a picture today, and I thought, but you know, I did see, I went out after and I went,
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by a party and I saw, I would say the girls, the women all look gorgeous.
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I noticed that.
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And I wouldn t say there s plastic surgery.
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I would say that with makeup and slick back hair and things, there was a lot I didn t know who they were at first glance.
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I d have to, someone said, that s blah, blah, blah.
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And I go, oh, I even saw Kim K when I was going to get my drink and I said hi.
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And then I was like, oh, okay, that s her.
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I couldn t right off the bat tell everybody who they were.
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Not that they re, I m saying again, not that they re like plastic, it s just they look different, they make their makeup different, and it takes you a second.
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Everyone looked great though.
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Everyone looked great.
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I think having Al Pacino, you have an 83 year old man who s going to announce the last award and there s an open bar.
1
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It s a shark go in the water, a cage go in the water.
1
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No, I love Al Pacino.
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He just should have done the whole thing.
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If he had just said, if he had just picked up the envelope and screamed, say hello to my little friend.
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He would have brought down the house.
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SPEAKER_03
Oh my God, why doesn t he do that?
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SPEAKER_03
If I was there, I would have said, Al, just say, say hello to my little... Did you know that he s dating a very young woman, I guess they had a baby?
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SPEAKER_03
And the courtship was him showing her his movies.
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So he showed her Scarface and that s when she fell in love with him.
1
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Shit, I would too.
1
SPEAKER_02
That s a good... I would say that.
1
SPEAKER_02
I wouldn t open with that one.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, he s got Godfather too.
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SPEAKER_02
That s pretty good.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, you can follow it.
1
SPEAKER_02
What else did I like?
1
SPEAKER_02
When Al Pacino comes on, he goes,
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SPEAKER_02
And now s the time, Oppenheimer!
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SPEAKER_02
Everyone goes, what s going on?
1
SPEAKER_02
He jumped the gun a hair, did you see that?
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SPEAKER_03
I know, he says, I m seeing Oppenheimer.
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SPEAKER_03
Like it was a crystal ball.
1
SPEAKER_03
I m seeing Oppenheimer.
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So we were like, is this a joke?
1
SPEAKER_03
What s going on?
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SPEAKER_03
Paul McCartney did a little Instagram congratulating Oppenheimer.
1
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What did it go like?
1
SPEAKER_03
What was it like?
1
SPEAKER_03
What do you mean?
1
SPEAKER_03
What do you expect?
1
SPEAKER_01
If you had to imagine.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oppenheimer, it s a great film.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s about a big bomb.
1
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And they re up in the desert.
1
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They re like, how do we make it?
1
SPEAKER_01
Maybe put it here, put it there.
1
SPEAKER_01
We don t know.
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Pretty soon, they thought, it could be a big one.
1
SPEAKER_01
It could be a big one.
1
SPEAKER_01
so they put it on a big wooden thing and they re like 10 feet away they said we better get back could be even bigger and they went dinga dinga and this big old mushroom cloud but it s not full of mushrooms like you told me mom used to make you it s an atomic bomb if i m bombing in this room i m bombing out there
1
SPEAKER_02
That was all on one Instagram meme?
1
SPEAKER_03
It was one Instagram.
1
SPEAKER_03
Well, Putin and he were, you know, they were FaceTiming during the Oscars.
1
SPEAKER_03
But anyway.
1
SPEAKER_03
Well, I will say that I didn t catch 1,000 percent of the Oscars.
1
SPEAKER_03
Why is Evan on my shot for 20 minutes?
1
SPEAKER_03
Because he s baffled.
1
SPEAKER_03
What are you trying to do?
1
SPEAKER_03
Take me back to 60?
1
SPEAKER_03
What should I look at?
1
SPEAKER_03
He s like 55.
1
SPEAKER_03
You want me here?
1
SPEAKER_03
You want me there?
1
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_02
All right.
1
SPEAKER_03
Well, on a serious note, what did you like about the Oscars?
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, I didn t know all of it.
1
SPEAKER_02
I didn t see all of it.
1
SPEAKER_02
I just... This is our Oscar edition.
1
SPEAKER_02
I did run into Jason... No, Justin.
1
SPEAKER_02
I saw Jason Bateman, but JJ Abrams says say hi to you.
1
SPEAKER_02
And- We re very good friends.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yes, he was very- I have celebrity friends.
1
SPEAKER_02
Very nice.
1
SPEAKER_02
You know, without, it sounds like name dropping, but honestly, you go to those parties and there s literally almost no plus ones.
1
SPEAKER_02
So when you go in, every person you turn to, you would know from something.
1
SPEAKER_02
So it s just a matter of, I only stayed an hour at one and an hour at the other because it was too much overload.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s like, deesh, deesh, deesh.
1
SPEAKER_02
So some of the fun ones, I m trying to think of what would be fun to tell.
1
SPEAKER_02
There s not that many exciting things that happen other than, you know, you have to walk in as a solo.
1
SPEAKER_02
This is really the point.
1
SPEAKER_02
When you don t have a plus one, you have to latch.
1
SPEAKER_03
Are you talking about Vanity Fair?
1
SPEAKER_02
Vanity Fair is the first one.
1
SPEAKER_03
Oh, the big one.
1
SPEAKER_02
And then there was an after party, a guy who was serious.
1
SPEAKER_02
So I, an after party for me, God, that fucking time change helped me because that was, you got a free hour.
1
SPEAKER_02
It was a little earlier than it was in a real.
1
SPEAKER_02
You know what I m saying?
1
SPEAKER_03
That s funny.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
Do you write that down on a notepad?
1
SPEAKER_03
You know, good time to go to parties.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh my God.
1
SPEAKER_02
It just fell into place.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s like New Year s Eve.
1
SPEAKER_02
When am I going to stay up till that late?
1
SPEAKER_02
So the first one, I stayed in only an hour, but I ran into Jason Bateman as the first person I saw.
1
SPEAKER_02
Now that s just a crap shoot.
1
SPEAKER_02
Who are you going to see right when you walk in?
1
SPEAKER_02
And then there was a little gaggle of dudes that came and just talked and then, uh,
1
SPEAKER_02
And then I saw, oh, they said Sharon Stone was there.
1
SPEAKER_02
I went looking for her, because she just did fly on the wall.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yo, no, yeah, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
S&S?
1
SPEAKER_03
When is Sharon Stone on?
1
SPEAKER_03
S&S is on.
1
SPEAKER_02
It ll be already on?
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, it s a week after.
1
SPEAKER_02
Okay, she s coming up, and I wanted to say hi to her.
1
SPEAKER_02
But mostly, I saw some of the skimpy outfits, like they were saying, and people would explain who that person was.
1
SPEAKER_02
And goddamn, anybody, oh, I saw Robert Kraft, and I asked him about the big trade with Mac Jones, right?
1
SPEAKER_02
That s a sports story.
1
SPEAKER_02
He runs the Patriots, so that was sort of off the beaten path of normal people you see.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, the second party, well, you know what s funny is being at a party where everyone s pretty well-known, and you walk by Travis and Taylor, and how it s,
1
SPEAKER_02
It s really an aura, like literal sound.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s the only place where people weren t flipping the fuck out.
1
SPEAKER_02
That did happen.
1
SPEAKER_02
They were guys.
1
SPEAKER_02
Look at.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
Here s me and Taylor Swift.
1
SPEAKER_02
When this is last night, this.
1
SPEAKER_02
No, this is weeks ago.
1
SPEAKER_02
Now, you look different.
1
SPEAKER_02
One time.
1
SPEAKER_03
Great.
1
SPEAKER_02
I went to this Grammy party and they see you wherever.
1
SPEAKER_02
And then they and then she was sat next to me and then she was
1
SPEAKER_02
more newer on the scene.
1
SPEAKER_02
And she had done Ellen.
1
SPEAKER_02
And Ellen said, go take pictures.
1
SPEAKER_03
Sunglasses throwing you off because I have the glasses.
1
SPEAKER_02
OK, he s quitting camera work.
1
SPEAKER_02
He s just quitting.
1
SPEAKER_02
He s packing up.
1
SPEAKER_03
Well, the camera is rebelling against my face.
1
SPEAKER_03
The camera is just shutting itself off.
1
SPEAKER_03
Will not the camera.
1
SPEAKER_03
I m out.
1
SPEAKER_02
I will not.
1
SPEAKER_03
Too old.
1
SPEAKER_03
Too much stuff to think about.
1
SPEAKER_03
I am cutting myself off.
1
SPEAKER_02
Literally took off your whole close up and started over.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, he s starting over with a special lens smeared in mayonnaise.
1
SPEAKER_02
Shoot it through a shower curtain.
1
SPEAKER_03
Do you know that I was invited to the Vanity Fair party?
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, there s another one.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, there they are.
1
SPEAKER_00
First ever to do duck lips.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m saying it.
1
SPEAKER_02
I used to always do duck flips in SNL old days.
1
SPEAKER_02
I didn t think it was awkward, didn t know what to say.
1
SPEAKER_00
You used to hold your hand on her back?
1
SPEAKER_02
I didn t mean to.
1
SPEAKER_02
I was just trying to take the picture.
1
SPEAKER_02
But she was going around taking pictures and I would say like, oh, that s like Dave Grohl.
1
SPEAKER_02
Go take a picture with her because she was newer and she was very nice.
1
SPEAKER_02
And that was like there was a whole table there, but you can only see us.
1
SPEAKER_02
But I was remembered.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, yeah, I did meet Taylor Swift in the old days.
1
SPEAKER_03
At that point, I remember you told me you met her and she only knew one chord in the guitar.
1
SPEAKER_03
That s how young she was.
1
SPEAKER_03
But she got really good.
1
SPEAKER_03
That was a joke.
1
SPEAKER_03
You know what?
1
SPEAKER_03
I was invited to the Vanity Fair party 20 years in a row with the white envelope, everything.
1
SPEAKER_03
And I never answered and I never went.
1
SPEAKER_03
And then I was down here once.
1
SPEAKER_03
I go, well, maybe I ll go this year.
1
SPEAKER_03
No invite.
1
SPEAKER_03
Oh, the one time.
1
SPEAKER_03
I swear to God, 20 years in a row.
1
SPEAKER_03
Would you have gone when the Oscars were last week?
1
SPEAKER_03
When I went to the Oscars with Mike Myers, invited me, we did Wayne s World.
2
SPEAKER_01
We re there with all the really cool people, Mike s stuff.
2
SPEAKER_01
You go to the Vanity Fair party, my wife and I had to go, we don t have an invite.
2
SPEAKER_01
And they go, you don t?
2
SPEAKER_01
No.
2
SPEAKER_01
And so I was gonna go there and go, I don t really have an invite.
2
SPEAKER_01
I have some guy like, sorry, gotta move along.
2
SPEAKER_01
No, you should go.
2
SPEAKER_02
I mean, I think you could have gone last night, but they also, people say like, oh, I m, no, you could have gotten it if you would have just asked.
2
SPEAKER_02
They say, oh, I remember someone complaining, I was in this movie.
2
SPEAKER_02
and I didn t even get invited to the Oscars, and the movie was nominated.
2
SPEAKER_02
But I have to say, it s so tight in that room.
2
SPEAKER_02
They have to have really just the stars and the producers and the director.
2
SPEAKER_02
There s too many people and too many movies.
2
SPEAKER_02
Now, the parties would probably be a safer bet to get into.
2
SPEAKER_02
It just turned into a blast.
2
SPEAKER_02
I mean, last night was fun.
2
SPEAKER_02
I didn t talk to Kelsey, even though we did have Jason on.
2
SPEAKER_02
I could not walk up to them even though they re just hanging out because it felt too thirsty.
2
SPEAKER_01
You could have.
2
SPEAKER_01
The only way you could have is that you just interviewed Jason.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
And you could have go, he had some kind of weird things to say about you.
2
SPEAKER_01
We trimmed him, just want to let you know he s got a couple younger brother issues.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, what s up with you guys?
2
SPEAKER_01
Why do you hate each other?
2
SPEAKER_02
And maybe I m speaking, I mean.
2
SPEAKER_01
You know, my nightmare is your dream.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like for me to go and have 3000 small talk conversations
2
SPEAKER_01
if it s an intimate party with like six people, but when it s just, what s up?
2
SPEAKER_01
How you doing?
2
SPEAKER_01
Working?
2
SPEAKER_01
Good, good, good.
2
SPEAKER_01
Were you there?
2
SPEAKER_01
That s what I said.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
David Spade, you re still doing that podcast with the church lady guy?
2
SPEAKER_01
Hey, good job.
2
SPEAKER_01
You guys are kind of funny.
2
SPEAKER_02
Most of it s that, but if he finds when you know, then it s funnier.
2
SPEAKER_02
The second party I was in the kitchen,
2
SPEAKER_02
eating, shockingly, with four people.
2
SPEAKER_02
So that was just fun, us four laughing.
2
SPEAKER_02
That s perfect.
2
SPEAKER_02
And you know, the thing about these two, Travis and whoever, anybody there is always hard to walk up to people that are already talking, because people do it to me.
2
SPEAKER_02
You re into something, and people just grab you, and I feel it s rude.
2
SPEAKER_02
So unless someone s just floating by, it s hard to walk up and interrupt.
2
SPEAKER_02
unless it s someone I really, really know well.
2
SPEAKER_02
You know what I mean?
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, yes, of course.
2
SPEAKER_01
Your social IQs, you got it.
2
SPEAKER_01
Through the roof.
2
SPEAKER_01
You can feel the radar.
2
SPEAKER_01
You can feel the radar.
2
SPEAKER_01
You can feel when the crowd is turning on you, which, no offense, but it happens on a regular basis.
2
SPEAKER_01
And you know how to, that was a joke.
2
SPEAKER_01
I know, I looked right at the camera.
2
SPEAKER_01
He kills.
2
SPEAKER_01
I just feel like if I went there, I would fake I was in a lot of movies.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh yeah, I was in Oppenheimer right before, I was the guy with the binoculars.
2
SPEAKER_01
Anatomy of Fall, you got it.
2
SPEAKER_01
I was the carpenter near the dumpster.
2
SPEAKER_01
So you just say you re in movies and no one can really know.
2
SPEAKER_01
Barbie, I was driver number three in the yellow car, you know.
2
SPEAKER_01
You saw me right behind Margot Robbie, right?
2
SPEAKER_01
When she was going into the bank.
2
SPEAKER_02
You can just say I was like Barbie s first one night stand.
2
SPEAKER_02
My whole thing got cut.
2
SPEAKER_02
Uh, but I shot for seven weeks.
2
SPEAKER_02
Um, didn t test well.
2
SPEAKER_01
My sister had a Barbie doll and that passed around by the brothers.
2
SPEAKER_02
Jimmy said, Oh, Barbie.
2
SPEAKER_02
Um, no one wants a Barbie doll anymore.
2
SPEAKER_02
I reset his monologue.
2
SPEAKER_02
I was like, Ooh,
2
SPEAKER_01
Jimmy was- He had a couple cutting jokes.
2
SPEAKER_01
He was kind of edging out there.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I like some of that.
2
SPEAKER_01
Hopefully he s got at least 150 tucked and maybe he s two years out the door.
2
SPEAKER_01
He always says he s doing- He s doing just fine.
2
SPEAKER_01
Because I get it.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I always follow the money.
2
SPEAKER_01
Ron Gosling was so relaxed.
2
SPEAKER_01
He has 300 million net and he s a movie star for 20 years.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I d be laying down all the time.
2
SPEAKER_01
It felt like it was nothing to him.
2
SPEAKER_01
Would you host it?
2
SPEAKER_01
I would co-host it with you.
2
SPEAKER_01
Let s put our hat in the ring.
2
SPEAKER_01
We work cheap.
2
SPEAKER_01
You can tell by the set.
2
SPEAKER_01
I think you don t get paid much.
2
SPEAKER_01
No, you don t get paid to host Saturday Night Live.
2
SPEAKER_01
You actually have to write Lorne a check.
2
SPEAKER_01
That ll be $1,300.
2
SPEAKER_01
I take Bitcoin.
2
SPEAKER_01
Thank you.
2
SPEAKER_01
Thank you, Jennifer Lopez.
2
SPEAKER_01
Do you have to say my name?
2
SPEAKER_01
Where are you putting the check?
2
SPEAKER_02
Okay, let s move on to... And that is our Oscar chunk.
2
SPEAKER_02
Well, I want to thank people for, on YouTube, I read all the comments and very positive about Superfly so far.
2
SPEAKER_02
And if they re negative, easily blocked.
2
SPEAKER_02
But so far, it s been very positive.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I know.
2
SPEAKER_01
I ve never read a comment about anything.
2
SPEAKER_01
I get information from you because I m too sensitive.
2
SPEAKER_01
And if I saw a negative comment, I would crawl up in a ball and start sobbing.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I ve read comments.
2
SPEAKER_02
I do get angry about it.
2
SPEAKER_02
And people say it doesn t affect you, but it does.
2
SPEAKER_02
And so, oh, I did want to talk.
2
SPEAKER_02
We re going to do some headlines.
2
SPEAKER_02
But without being political, that State of the Union was last week, right?
2
SPEAKER_01
OK, no, I m just I m saying we re not going to be political.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_02
State of the Union.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_02
I did think it was funny that.
2
SPEAKER_02
Joe Biden, the president, is that his name?
2
SPEAKER_02
Joe Biden.
2
SPEAKER_02
He just came out of that cannon.
2
SPEAKER_02
I mean, he popped out of the toaster.
2
SPEAKER_02
I just want whatever he was having because I get tired in the afternoon and jacked me up, jacked and juiced and ready to go.
2
SPEAKER_02
I thought he d be running around that chamber going, parkour, parkour, just like bouncing off the wall.
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, you know what?
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t know what they gave him or whether it was just a lot of rest and some protein.
2
SPEAKER_01
But maybe backstage there was a citizen going, Mr. President, this is for you.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh, what is it?
2
SPEAKER_01
We call it a State of the Union.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh, sure.
2
SPEAKER_01
I ll tell you a State of the Union before I do the State of the Union.
2
SPEAKER_01
All right, sir.
2
SPEAKER_02
They put it in a biscuit like a dog.
2
SPEAKER_01
And three minutes later, and I was getting my hair cut.
2
SPEAKER_02
Fuck, because normally- Fuck you all, cut.
2
SPEAKER_01
They actually cut the State of the Union, because he s like the old man on the lawn.
2
SPEAKER_01
He s still there screaming.
2
SPEAKER_01
Fuck you.
2
SPEAKER_01
They cut it, and then I guess, what s her name?
2
SPEAKER_01
Mary Taylor Greene.
2
SPEAKER_01
What s the girl?
2
SPEAKER_01
Marjorie?
2
SPEAKER_01
The one who was in the Indy 500 with the red.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, she looked like NASCAR.
2
SPEAKER_01
She was my favorite.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s a freak show.
2
SPEAKER_01
The Republic s ending soon, so anyway, save your money.
2
SPEAKER_01
Or Bitcoin, I guess.
2
SPEAKER_02
At the beginning, on his regular speeches, they usually have a guy walk out and go, let s get ready to mumble.
2
SPEAKER_02
And then he comes out.
2
SPEAKER_02
But on this one, he s like, he was all jacked up.
2
SPEAKER_02
He s like, and I m also hornier than a three-peckered billy goat.
2
SPEAKER_02
My dick s harder than Chinese arithmetic.
2
SPEAKER_02
And everyone s like, okay, well, let s just stick to the cards.
2
SPEAKER_02
And he goes, I just gotta say it.
2
SPEAKER_02
I haven t felt like this in a while.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I m like, give me some.
2
SPEAKER_02
No, no.
2
SPEAKER_02
Bust it out.
2
SPEAKER_02
Break free.
2
SPEAKER_01
Can I get another State of the Union?
2
SPEAKER_01
Here you go.
2
SPEAKER_01
He s microdosing.
2
SPEAKER_01
What do you think?
2
SPEAKER_01
He s microdosing.
2
SPEAKER_02
What do we really think it was?
2
SPEAKER_02
I heard Ritalin is an alleged possibility.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t know if it s Ritalin, please send your letters elsewhere, but Ritalin would give someone a little pop.
2
SPEAKER_00
A little pop, really?
2
SPEAKER_00
You have a little Ritalin with a silverback monkey up with a twist?
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
And a little daiquiri no-no?
2
SPEAKER_01
But the problem was, the next day he was yelling, and it was very awkward.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh, he s still going?
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, he was at a Baskin-Robbins ice cream store.
2
SPEAKER_01
I have a Jamocha on fudge!
2
SPEAKER_01
Excuse me, sir, you don t have to yell.
2
SPEAKER_01
The State of the Union hasn t worn off.
2
SPEAKER_02
And he s shadow boxing.
2
SPEAKER_01
He spits it out.
2
SPEAKER_01
Come on, Jake Paul, I m next.
2
SPEAKER_01
I ll beat the hell out of you.
2
SPEAKER_01
Come on, Jack.
2
SPEAKER_01
I ll beat you and your whole family.
2
SPEAKER_01
I ll beat the shit out of you.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
2
SPEAKER_01
Look, it s a freak show.
2
SPEAKER_01
Let s just say it.
2
SPEAKER_01
We have an election coming up.
2
SPEAKER_01
He breaks a stir stick.
2
SPEAKER_01
You like that shit?
2
SPEAKER_01
More where that came from, hustle.
2
SPEAKER_01
I ll cut a bitch, and that was to Jill.
2
SPEAKER_01
Jill s like, Joe, slow down.
2
SPEAKER_02
He takes the broken little wooden stick, and he said he ll cut a bitch with that, the stirrer.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
I ll cut a bitch.
2
SPEAKER_01
Huh?
2
SPEAKER_01
You like that shit?
2
SPEAKER_01
Let s get him backstage, get him backstage.
2
SPEAKER_01
Did I do this before?
2
SPEAKER_01
Because it makes me, it made me happy when I found out, you saw Nicolas Cage at the Oscars, that they lease Nicolas Cage.
2
SPEAKER_01
They pay him to come backstage when Biden gives a speech.
2
SPEAKER_01
And he s sort of like calms down.
2
SPEAKER_01
He s like an anxiety person.
2
SPEAKER_01
Because when Biden s out there and the people are backstage, they go, he s going off script.
2
SPEAKER_01
He s going off the prompter.
2
SPEAKER_01
He s going off the prompter.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then Nicolas Cage knows at that moment to calm the staff down and goes,
2
SPEAKER_01
Why?
2
SPEAKER_01
God, why?
2
SPEAKER_01
And that has lowered the anxiety of the staff.
2
SPEAKER_02
It feels like it s working.
2
SPEAKER_02
Someone said, did you hear this?
2
SPEAKER_02
I like he looks over there.
2
SPEAKER_00
What talk about?
2
SPEAKER_00
Well, it s back on the Oscars, but aren t you stuck between Bradley Cooper and Queen Gaga?
2
SPEAKER_00
You told me there was a little like hand stuff going back and forth with them.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh yeah, well I had a view when they were doing the, in the sky, la la la, when they re singing this song.
2
SPEAKER_01
Shallows.
2
SPEAKER_01
Shallows, in the shallows, la la la, because of exactly where I was sitting.
2
SPEAKER_01
I could see right under the piano.
2
SPEAKER_01
And there was just just a little play, some loose hands under there, some in the shallow, shallow, out in the shallow.
2
SPEAKER_01
Are this a few Oscars ago?
2
SPEAKER_01
This is this is 20.
2
SPEAKER_01
This is pre-pandemic 2018.
2
SPEAKER_01
If you if you must know, it was during the movie Shallow.
2
SPEAKER_01
No, the movie they started.
3
SPEAKER_02
A star.
3
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, there s no... No, what was the movie he just did, Bradley Cooper?
3
SPEAKER_04
Maestro.
3
SPEAKER_04
He didn t win shit.
3
SPEAKER_04
I didn t say it because I say it wrong.
3
SPEAKER_02
I thought he was amazing in Maestro.
3
SPEAKER_02
But, you know, what are you going to do?
3
SPEAKER_02
Paul Giamatti was extraordinary.
3
SPEAKER_02
He s a friend of the podcast.
3
SPEAKER_02
We interviewed him.
3
SPEAKER_04
OK, here s what I heard.
3
SPEAKER_04
And this is was on something that Giamatti, who we had on here, is war.
3
SPEAKER_04
You would notice the holdovers were contacts to give him a lazy eye.
3
SPEAKER_04
And then Nicolas Cage goes, I would have done that.
3
SPEAKER_04
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_04
Is that something real?
3
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
You can wear a contact that just looks like a lazy eye.
3
SPEAKER_02
Just put your eyeball down here.
3
SPEAKER_02
It s like, just like wearing a... Wow.
3
SPEAKER_02
I don t know if I could do that.
3
SPEAKER_02
That would weird me out so much.
3
SPEAKER_02
Look, you know, it s for the art.
3
SPEAKER_04
I go, that would wear me out.
3
SPEAKER_04
Meanwhile, beginning full plastic surgery.
3
SPEAKER_02
You know, I had a little eye over the weekend.
3
SPEAKER_02
Hence the shades.
3
SPEAKER_02
I had a little eye tuck.
3
SPEAKER_02
So I just wear these for a couple of days.
3
SPEAKER_04
You know, I like is when you go up to people at the Vanity Fair party and they go and the first compliment is, do you sleep on your face?
3
SPEAKER_04
And I go, why do you look like a pound puppy?
3
SPEAKER_04
I go, what s that?
3
SPEAKER_04
And they go, don t Google it.
3
SPEAKER_04
Anyway, house tricks.
3
SPEAKER_04
That was Lady Gaga.
3
SPEAKER_02
So Chris, why don t you tell us what s going on?
3
SPEAKER_02
Everybody s face is different.
3
SPEAKER_01
Give us some trends.
3
SPEAKER_01
There s a lot of fillers, I think, going on and fat injections.
3
SPEAKER_01
Like Ryan Gosling, handsome, but there s something... Or he s gained weight.
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t think he has gained weight, but there s a lot of... He goes, I gain a lot of weight in my cheeks.
3
SPEAKER_01
In my face, exactly.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I ve just, I got a six pack, but up around these cheeks, I got a cheek belly.
3
SPEAKER_04
If he s trying to be better looking, I give up.
3
SPEAKER_01
So they re either filling or they re taking fat out.
3
SPEAKER_01
Like it s called buccal fat removal.
3
SPEAKER_01
Have you heard about that?
3
SPEAKER_01
Wait, on the inside of your cheek?
3
SPEAKER_01
They go into your mouth and remove.
3
SPEAKER_01
So that s, you get hollow.
3
SPEAKER_01
So a lot of women are doing that.
3
SPEAKER_01
Well, men are doing it too.
3
SPEAKER_01
So you get the, like that look.
3
SPEAKER_04
I went from horrified to booking an appointment.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I would never do that.
3
SPEAKER_04
Do you think we can get, like, a double discount if we go in together?
3
SPEAKER_02
Why don t we go in and try to literally look exactly like the same person?
3
SPEAKER_04
There you go.
3
SPEAKER_04
Oh, did I tell you?
3
SPEAKER_04
I told you, Dana.
3
SPEAKER_04
I went to the airport in Santa Rosa, and I was where you did your special, and it was a great gig.
3
SPEAKER_04
Did I already tell you this?
3
SPEAKER_04
And when I walked through, the guy was, like, staring off into space, and I didn t take my shoes off.
3
SPEAKER_04
Does this remind you of a text?
3
SPEAKER_02
Are you okay?
3
SPEAKER_04
Oh, no, I was just hold on.
3
SPEAKER_04
OK, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
No, David s fine.
3
SPEAKER_02
I ll tell him his mom called.
3
SPEAKER_02
All right.
3
SPEAKER_04
That was my mom.
3
SPEAKER_04
That was my mom calling to say you ve told the story.
3
SPEAKER_04
So I go through and the deputy dog guys like this.
3
SPEAKER_04
He s not even looking at me and he goes.
3
SPEAKER_04
All right, next.
3
SPEAKER_04
And it was a tiniest airport.
3
SPEAKER_04
He goes, take your shoes off.
3
SPEAKER_04
Oh, I think I m in TSA.
3
SPEAKER_04
I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_04
And he goes, well.
3
SPEAKER_04
Are you over the years?
3
SPEAKER_04
And I go.
3
SPEAKER_04
I m like, what?
3
SPEAKER_04
And he goes, are you over the age of 75?
3
SPEAKER_04
And I said, are you out of your fucking mind?
3
SPEAKER_04
You didn t just say that.
3
SPEAKER_04
And then everyone else said, because everyone else is nice to me.
3
SPEAKER_04
They get it.
3
SPEAKER_04
And this guy, I go, no, I m not.
3
SPEAKER_04
And he goes, then you got to take them off.
3
SPEAKER_04
Are you fucking?
3
SPEAKER_04
Take what off?
3
SPEAKER_04
My shoes.
3
SPEAKER_04
Just your shoes?
3
SPEAKER_04
I thought he was taking your underpants off.
3
SPEAKER_04
No, he said, then take off that old mask.
3
SPEAKER_04
And I go, no, no, this is my face, but I m not.
3
SPEAKER_04
He literally said, are you?
3
SPEAKER_04
Oh, not under, are you over 75?
3
SPEAKER_04
Hey, I got carded.
3
SPEAKER_04
Get fucked.
3
SPEAKER_02
I got carded last week at Rite Aid buying a beer.
3
SPEAKER_04
I can t believe I told the story because it s sickening.
3
SPEAKER_04
I guess we ll show a few.
3
SPEAKER_04
What are we going to look at, some stories, headlines?
3
SPEAKER_02
We better get to something.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, we re fucking, we got to haul ass.
3
SPEAKER_02
I d call him two days ago.
3
SPEAKER_04
Okay, we ll do a couple then.
3
SPEAKER_04
We already have a lot of shit.
3
SPEAKER_04
And I do mean shit.
3
SPEAKER_04
What is this?
3
SPEAKER_04
Oh, this is so dumb.
3
SPEAKER_04
I thought this was cute.
3
SPEAKER_04
It s a witch bee, Dana, and it carries sticks around.
3
SPEAKER_04
They call it a witch, it looks like a broomstick.
3
SPEAKER_04
Isn t that cool?
3
SPEAKER_04
He flies around.
3
SPEAKER_04
I don t think you re my pretty.
3
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_04
And then he goes, I m kidding.
3
SPEAKER_04
It s just a stick.
3
SPEAKER_02
I just fly around.
3
SPEAKER_02
I ll get you my little pretty.
3
SPEAKER_02
And you little David Spade too.
3
SPEAKER_04
I have a lot of bee bits.
3
SPEAKER_04
The beekeeper.
3
SPEAKER_04
I have a lot of bee bits.
3
SPEAKER_02
Jason straight into the beekeeper.
3
SPEAKER_02
Just a quick one.
3
SPEAKER_04
Are you a witch bee?
3
SPEAKER_04
First of all, he has a lot on his mind after the setup.
3
SPEAKER_04
We ve got a lot of witch bees, but I ll be keeping them all.
3
SPEAKER_04
I don t discriminate.
3
SPEAKER_04
It goes nowhere.
3
SPEAKER_04
All right, next.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh, I m Jason Strateman.
3
SPEAKER_04
I do like that.
3
SPEAKER_02
It s kind of cute, right?
3
SPEAKER_04
In fucking cute news.
3
SPEAKER_04
All right, no rush, as the fucking bit is bombing a miserable death.
3
SPEAKER_02
Geez, we re bombing in our own room, what are we doing out there?
3
SPEAKER_04
What is this trend?
3
SPEAKER_04
Is this my demonstrate?
3
SPEAKER_02
Magic toothbrush, okay.
3
SPEAKER_04
Oh, girls, I saw this last night.
3
SPEAKER_04
I complimented someone on their freckles, and they go, oh, it s makeup.
3
SPEAKER_04
I didn t even know people are putting fake freckles on as makeup.
3
SPEAKER_01
Well, they re tattooing freckles on their face too.
3
SPEAKER_04
Oh, like full tattoos where they stay?
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
Lord love a duck.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh, I am over 75.
3
SPEAKER_02
You could be doing so much more.
3
SPEAKER_02
You re 72.
3
SPEAKER_02
Don t worry about it.
3
SPEAKER_04
I just don t know if freckles are that fucking great.
3
SPEAKER_04
I mean, I like them, but not like we go back to me and Taylor Swift.
3
SPEAKER_04
That s the only thing.
3
SPEAKER_02
Do you have any freckles anywhere?
3
SPEAKER_02
I have freckles.
3
SPEAKER_04
You have a lot of tattoos, Heather.
3
SPEAKER_04
How many roughly?
3
SPEAKER_04
53.
3
SPEAKER_04
Okay, that was higher than I thought.
3
SPEAKER_02
You heard her right.
3
SPEAKER_04
Okay, let me see.
3
SPEAKER_04
This one I thought was interesting.
3
SPEAKER_04
A girl, Mucha Blige is the funny headline.
3
SPEAKER_04
She started by holding a cardboard sign that says, I need a husband.
3
SPEAKER_04
And of course, she s attractive, so guys would like apply.
3
SPEAKER_04
Didn t work, but she got some money out of it.
3
SPEAKER_04
So now, she just does stuff, fly me to Miami, buy me a purse.
3
SPEAKER_04
She hangs out in front of Tiffany s as an experiment.
3
SPEAKER_04
She says, hey, buy me a purse.
3
SPEAKER_04
Are you rich?
3
SPEAKER_04
And the guy immediately puffs up and goes, I do pretty good.
3
SPEAKER_04
Buy me a Chanel bag.
3
SPEAKER_04
And they fucking do.
3
SPEAKER_04
And so she s gotten videos of her.
3
SPEAKER_04
Guys just buy her hotel rooms, Chanel buy.
3
SPEAKER_04
I mean, this is sort of an underground hybrid hooker thing that s going on in LA anyway, but, and it s really rampant and it s not talked about, but we talk about the hard issues.
3
SPEAKER_04
It s something, it s not really, but it s- Why didn t she just go on OnlyFans and make a billion in her bedroom?
3
SPEAKER_04
This is probably easier because she says, she says she doesn t hook up with anyone.
3
SPEAKER_04
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_04
But I feel like,
3
SPEAKER_04
She s just clowning dudes and they go along with it.
3
SPEAKER_04
So there s really, it s a victimless crime.
3
SPEAKER_04
It s just embarrassing across the board.
3
SPEAKER_02
This is Larry Bubbles Brown, famous comedian.
3
SPEAKER_04
He s going to call you and you re going to go over a red, red, red that he wrote.
3
SPEAKER_04
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
We go live.
3
SPEAKER_02
Everybody s everybody s.
3
SPEAKER_02
Larry Bubbles Brown, everybody.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
How are you?
3
SPEAKER_02
Good.
3
SPEAKER_02
Good.
3
SPEAKER_04
So you re on the air.
3
SPEAKER_02
Criminy, what is your question, sir?
3
SPEAKER_02
Criminy is from Dennis Miller.
3
SPEAKER_02
Criminy, Carmen.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_00
Every time I talk with you, we wind up talking like Dennis Miller or John Wayne.
3
SPEAKER_02
Christ sakes.
3
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_02
Is that John Wayne?
3
SPEAKER_02
This is John Dennis.
3
SPEAKER_02
Well, we love John Wayne because he s never afraid and we re so afraid of life, right?
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
So he s the opposite of us.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, because there s a movie where he goes, take down the submarine, Pappy.
3
SPEAKER_02
No, Duke, I can t take it down.
3
SPEAKER_02
We re all going to die.
3
SPEAKER_02
I said take her down.
3
SPEAKER_04
Not like I miss those kind of games.
3
SPEAKER_02
No fear.
3
SPEAKER_02
No fear.
3
SPEAKER_02
All right, here s a few.
3
SPEAKER_04
He sounds better on the phone than we do in the real podcast, by the way.
3
SPEAKER_02
Well, thank you, Tim Cook.
3
SPEAKER_04
Go ahead.
3
SPEAKER_02
This is Red Redneckies as written by, and also Chris, our friend Chris Reels has one too.
3
SPEAKER_02
Red Redneckie as written by Larry Bowles Brown.
3
SPEAKER_02
I ll do the best I can, Larry.
3
SPEAKER_02
I ll do one at a time.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m Red Redneckie, the redneck comedian.
3
SPEAKER_02
My therapist said I was passive aggressive, so on the way out, I keyed a car.
3
SPEAKER_02
Come and get some.
3
SPEAKER_03
On the way out.
3
SPEAKER_03
He laughs at it.
3
SPEAKER_03
He s like, not bad writing.
3
SPEAKER_02
Here s a good one.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m Red Rednecky, the redneck comedian.
3
SPEAKER_02
Took up golf, shot 67.
3
SPEAKER_02
Did much better on the second hole.
3
SPEAKER_02
Come and get some.
3
SPEAKER_02
David liked the golf.
3
SPEAKER_04
Red Rednecky is all over the place.
3
SPEAKER_04
He s playing golf.
3
SPEAKER_02
Um, Red Redneck is from the Redneck Comedian.
3
SPEAKER_02
Mama gave me a book on ADD.
3
SPEAKER_02
Couldn t finish it.
3
SPEAKER_02
Come on, get some.
3
SPEAKER_02
I only got to the first D. I had an addendum on that.
3
SPEAKER_02
This is Red Redneck, the Redneck Comedian.
3
SPEAKER_02
Mama gave me a book on ADD.
3
SPEAKER_02
Only read one page.
3
SPEAKER_02
Couldn t stop thinking about Crawdad Stew.
3
SPEAKER_02
Come on, get some.
4
SPEAKER_06
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_07
All right.
4
SPEAKER_06
I like that punch, though.
4
SPEAKER_07
I m Red Rednecky, the redneck comedian.
4
SPEAKER_07
Told mama I was gonna donate my car to charity.
4
SPEAKER_07
She said, Rednecky, where you gonna sleep?
4
SPEAKER_07
Come and get some.
4
SPEAKER_07
It should be Red.
4
SPEAKER_06
Oh, he sleeps in the car.
4
SPEAKER_07
It shouldn t be Rednecky.
4
SPEAKER_06
I m breaking down each joke and clarifying.
4
SPEAKER_07
Okay, how about this one?
4
SPEAKER_07
I m Red Rednecky, the redneck comedian.
4
SPEAKER_07
Met a recluse woman on Tinder.
4
SPEAKER_07
She gave me hermit crabs.
4
SPEAKER_07
Come and get some.
4
SPEAKER_06
Okay, kermit crab.
4
SPEAKER_06
No, it s a thinker and you re not used to thinking during Red Rednecky.
4
SPEAKER_07
Okay, here s a non-thinker.
4
SPEAKER_07
I m Red Rednecky, the redneck comedian.
4
SPEAKER_07
Told mama one day I ll have a trophy wife.
4
SPEAKER_07
She ll look like a moose, come and get some.
4
SPEAKER_06
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_07
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_06
These are a little more thought out, so we re not ready, exactly.
4
SPEAKER_07
I m red, redneck, a redneck comedian.
4
SPEAKER_07
My last girlfriend was a treasure, so I buried her.
4
SPEAKER_07
Come and get some.
4
SPEAKER_06
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_06
Good job.
4
SPEAKER_06
Are we still on?
4
SPEAKER_07
Oh, no.
4
SPEAKER_07
Now let s go.
4
SPEAKER_07
Here s Chris s joke.
4
SPEAKER_07
Chris Riel wrote it.
4
SPEAKER_07
Anyone could write one.
4
SPEAKER_06
They re not reading them.
4
SPEAKER_06
You re reading them.
4
SPEAKER_07
Do you want to read it?
4
SPEAKER_06
Okay, you read it, Dan.
4
SPEAKER_07
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_07
I m Red Rednecky, the redneck comedian.
4
SPEAKER_07
I took my mama to the grocery store.
4
SPEAKER_07
She picked up two ruts of potatoes and said, these remind me of your daddy s balls.
4
SPEAKER_07
I said, they re that big?
4
SPEAKER_07
She said, no, just that dirty.
4
SPEAKER_07
Come and get some.
4
SPEAKER_06
And they cost 99 cents.
4
SPEAKER_07
I know.
4
SPEAKER_07
Okay, well, Chris is the best.
4
SPEAKER_07
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_06
Good job, Bubbles.
4
SPEAKER_07
You have any joke that you re doing you want to do for us?
4
SPEAKER_07
You don t have to put you on the spot.
4
SPEAKER_07
One of your favorites.
4
SPEAKER_07
Do one of your best jokes.
4
SPEAKER_00
One of my latest newer jokes is I had to close out my account at the sperm bank.
4
SPEAKER_00
It was getting zero interest.
4
SPEAKER_06
It was getting zero interest.
4
SPEAKER_07
Zero interest.
4
SPEAKER_07
And then your catch thing is... That s it.
4
SPEAKER_06
That s funny.
4
SPEAKER_07
After every joke, he does that.
4
SPEAKER_07
And when Larry opens for you, the whole audience starts doing that.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, Felipe does it.
4
SPEAKER_00
When I was going to eighth grade, I used to walk to school and there s like a
4
SPEAKER_00
this bird, and every time I d walk by the tree, he d just go, meh, like that.
4
SPEAKER_00
He sounded like Edward G. Robinson.
4
SPEAKER_00
I just started doing that forever now.
4
SPEAKER_00
I don t know why, but it seems to get laughs.
4
SPEAKER_07
It always gets laughs, all right.
4
SPEAKER_07
I have to tell the sound men, cut the mic, get him off, get him off, cut the mic.
4
SPEAKER_06
Yeah, if he kills, get rid of him.
4
SPEAKER_07
If Bobby Lee s killing, you get him off.
4
SPEAKER_07
All right, Larry, well, we re going to go look at some impressions.
4
SPEAKER_06
We re closing out with impressions.
4
SPEAKER_07
Larry Bubbles Brown, everybody.
4
SPEAKER_07
All right, well, good job soon.
4
SPEAKER_06
Easy, Greg.
4
SPEAKER_06
Easy, easy.
4
SPEAKER_06
Let s let him hang up the phone.
4
SPEAKER_06
And then the guy comes on.
4
SPEAKER_06
OK, this is the part we do impressions.
4
SPEAKER_06
We should ask for something next week.
4
SPEAKER_06
It s something else.
4
SPEAKER_06
But we ll we ll do them for now.
4
SPEAKER_06
OK, so let s see.
4
SPEAKER_06
Here s one.
4
SPEAKER_06
We don t know what the impression is, but we re going to watch it.
4
SPEAKER_07
And we like impressions.
4
SPEAKER_07
Superfly at Odyssey dot com.
4
SPEAKER_06
Send an impressions at Superfly at Odyssey dot com.
4
SPEAKER_06
A.U.D.
4
SPEAKER_06
OK.
4
SPEAKER_01
What s up, Spadoodle?
4
SPEAKER_01
Dana.
4
SPEAKER_01
Here s a character.
4
SPEAKER_01
He s called Bitter Blind Guy.
4
SPEAKER_01
And he s mad at everything.
4
SPEAKER_01
Bitter Blind Guy s walking down the street, neighbors coming.
4
SPEAKER_01
Beautiful day, isn t it?
4
SPEAKER_01
How the fuck would I know?
4
SPEAKER_04
And then he folds up his cape.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m actually blind, so that helps a little bit.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, I like it better.
4
SPEAKER_01
Teller leaving a burning building.
4
SPEAKER_01
So there s a fire, you know, a lot of sirens going off.
4
SPEAKER_01
People are leaving and Teller s just...
4
SPEAKER_06
I thought he s blind.
4
SPEAKER_06
I thought he s going to yell, guys, it smells like a fire.
4
SPEAKER_07
Is he really blind?
4
SPEAKER_06
Before you annihilate him?
4
SPEAKER_06
Go ahead.
4
SPEAKER_02
I think, uh, I think so, because he tried to disarm us by pretending it was fun.
4
SPEAKER_02
He goes, but I am really blind.
4
SPEAKER_06
Yeah, I really the way he fold that stick was pretty smooth, too.
4
SPEAKER_06
So he must have done it.
4
SPEAKER_06
OK, so we love him.
4
SPEAKER_06
That s awesome.
4
SPEAKER_06
I didn t get it.
4
SPEAKER_06
So he says he s a blind guy walking by a fire.
4
SPEAKER_06
I thought the joke would be.
4
SPEAKER_06
it s clearly a fire, then he smells and goes, that s smoke.
4
SPEAKER_06
You guys, there s a fire.
4
SPEAKER_06
But everyone knows because it s, they see it.
4
SPEAKER_07
He just put them blind that they would just walk into the fire?
4
SPEAKER_07
Was that the, they re just like, ah.
4
SPEAKER_07
I like the first one when he got mad.
4
SPEAKER_06
Yeah, I understood it.
4
SPEAKER_06
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_06
Okay, what s next?
4
SPEAKER_06
Even though we re going on.
4
SPEAKER_00
Evan Galpert.
4
SPEAKER_04
Hey guys, thank you so much for everything you ve done.
4
SPEAKER_04
I love you both immensely.
4
SPEAKER_07
Thank you for the podcast.
4
SPEAKER_03
And join me for a little theater of the mind as we head to the 17th floor of 30 Rockefeller Plaza in the early 1990s on a Wednesday morning for a conversation with Adam Sandler and Norm MacDonald.
4
SPEAKER_05
Hey Norm, Lauren said he wanted me to come up with something for Update and the table reads in like an hour, but I got one idea, all right?
4
SPEAKER_05
All right, buddy, yeah, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_05
Show me what you got there.
4
SPEAKER_05
Okay, I think I m going to come in as an old lady, and I m going to be wearing a long wig and glasses, and I m going to talk to the children like this, and then I m going to start getting real crazy, and I m going to lose my mind, and then I m going to start yelling at everybody.
4
SPEAKER_05
What do you think?
4
SPEAKER_02
I don t know what you think of that.
4
SPEAKER_02
I see what you re doing there with the yelling and the wig and the old lady and stuff.
4
SPEAKER_02
I just don t think it s funny.
4
SPEAKER_04
Thank you.
4
SPEAKER_04
That s just a shtick.
4
SPEAKER_04
I know they love each other.
4
SPEAKER_04
I know they were both hilarious.
4
SPEAKER_04
Thank you for clarifying.
4
SPEAKER_06
That s just a shtick.
4
SPEAKER_06
Yeah, go ahead.
4
SPEAKER_07
He was good.
4
SPEAKER_06
I mean, it was fine.
4
SPEAKER_06
I mean, Norm is sort of an easier one because it s Canadian, but I do like his ending where he didn t like that s kind of I didn t see that coming where he didn t like Adams.
4
SPEAKER_07
Right.
4
SPEAKER_07
Or is it a sketch?
4
SPEAKER_07
Oh, I thought, I thought.
4
SPEAKER_07
Everyone does that character.
4
SPEAKER_06
He kind of went high, which is good.
4
SPEAKER_06
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_06
When he does those times, sometimes he goes high.
4
SPEAKER_06
That was a good ending.
4
SPEAKER_06
I think that s it, Dan.
4
SPEAKER_06
Any final thoughts?
4
SPEAKER_06
Are we okay?
4
SPEAKER_06
19 minutes of extra work?
4
SPEAKER_06
That s not like us.
4
SPEAKER_06
But thanks for watching.
4
SPEAKER_06
We won t make it any worse.
4
SPEAKER_06
Okay, bye, guys.
4
SPEAKER_06
Bye-bye.
4
SPEAKER_06
This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly.
4
SPEAKER_06
It s executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman.
4
SPEAKER_06
Hope you liked it.