0
SPEAKER_08
 Bring a little optimism into your life with The Bright Side, a new kind of daily podcast from Hello Sunshine, hosted by me, Danielle Robay.
0
SPEAKER_08
And me, Simone Boyce.
0
SPEAKER_02
Every weekday, we're bringing you conversations about culture, the latest trends, inspiration, and so much more.
0
SPEAKER_01
I am so excited about this podcast, The Bright Side.
0
SPEAKER_01
You guys are giving people a chance to shine a light on their lives, shine a light on a little advice that they want to share.
0
SPEAKER_05
 Listen to The Bright Side on America's number one podcast network, iHeart.
0
SPEAKER_05
Open your free iHeart app and search The Bright Side.
0
SPEAKER_03
 Discover a new educational and interactive podcast, Stories for Kids by Lingokids.
0
SPEAKER_03
Our episodes are packed with fun activities.
0
SPEAKER_03
Right, Elliot?
0
SPEAKER_04
Oh, yes.
0
SPEAKER_04
We went shape hunting around the block, and we found spheres and cubes on the street.
0
SPEAKER_04
That was great fun.
0
SPEAKER_03
Join Stories for Kids, the Lingokids podcast, inspiring you to learn while having fun.
0
SPEAKER_03
Listen to Stories for Kids on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_06
 A new season of Bridgerton is here.
0
SPEAKER_06
And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
0
SPEAKER_06
I'm your host, Gabby Collins.
0
SPEAKER_06
And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the ton.
0
SPEAKER_06
Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
0
SPEAKER_06
Then fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_06
Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.
0
SPEAKER_00
 So how many of you have been experiencing a lot of negativity, a lot of noise, a lot of notifications?
0
SPEAKER_00
I'm sure that's true for you.
0
SPEAKER_00
And so today I've got a little special gift for each and every single one of you.
0
SPEAKER_00
It's a free episode of chapter two of my audio book for Think Like a Monk.
0
SPEAKER_00
 And I can't wait to share it with you.
0
SPEAKER_00
And if you enjoy it, then go and grab a copy of the book and the audiobook at thinklikeamonkbook.com.
0
SPEAKER_00
But I really hope that this chapter and this reading and this episode helps you navigate the noise that you're experiencing in your life and train your mind for peace and purpose every day.
0
SPEAKER_00
I can't wait for you to listen to it.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I can't wait to see what you think.
0
SPEAKER_00
Thanks so much.
0
SPEAKER_00
 2.
0
SPEAKER_00
Negativity The evil king goes hungry.
0
SPEAKER_00
It is impossible to build one's own happiness on the unhappiness of others.
0
SPEAKER_00
Daisaku Ikeda It is the summer after my third year of college.
0
SPEAKER_00
I've returned from spending a month at the ashram and now interning for a finance firm.
0
SPEAKER_00
 I'm at lunch with a couple of my colleagues.
0
SPEAKER_00
We've grabbed sandwiches and brought them to the concrete courtyard in front of the building, where low walls crisscross the hardscaping and young people in suits eat speedy lunches, defrosting in the summer sun before returning to the hyper-air-conditioned building.
0
SPEAKER_00
I'm a monk out of water.
0
SPEAKER_00
Did you hear about Gabe?
0
SPEAKER_00
One of my friends says in a loud whisper.
0
SPEAKER_00
The partners tore apart his presentation.
0
SPEAKER_00
 That dude, another friend says, shaking his head, he's sinking fast.
0
SPEAKER_00
I flash back to a class Gaurangadas taught called Cancers of the Mind.
0
SPEAKER_00
Comparing, complaining, criticizing.
0
SPEAKER_00
In the class, we talked about negative thought habits, including gossip.
0
SPEAKER_00
One of the exercises we did was keeping a tally of every criticism we spoke or thought.
0
SPEAKER_00
For each one, we had to write down ten good things about the person.
0
SPEAKER_00
 It was hard.
0
SPEAKER_00
We were living together in close quarters.
0
SPEAKER_00
Issues came up, most of them petty.
0
SPEAKER_00
The average time for a monk's shower was four minutes.
0
SPEAKER_00
When there was a line at the showers, we would take bets on who was taking too long.
0
SPEAKER_00
This was the only betting we did, because monks.
0
SPEAKER_00
And though the snorers were relegated to their own room, sometimes new practitioners emerged and we rated their snores on a scale of motorcycles.
0
SPEAKER_00
This monk's a Vesper.
0
SPEAKER_00
That one's a Harley Davidson.
0
SPEAKER_00
 I went through the exercise, dutifully noting every criticism I let slip.
0
SPEAKER_00
Next to each, I jotted down 10 positive qualities.
0
SPEAKER_00
The point of the exercise wasn't hard to figure out.
0
SPEAKER_00
Every person was more good than bad, but seeing it on the page made the ratios sink in.
0
SPEAKER_00
This helped me see my own weaknesses differently.
0
SPEAKER_00
 I tended to focus on my mistakes without balancing them against my strengths.
0
SPEAKER_00
When I found myself being self-critical, I reminded myself that I too had positive qualities.
0
SPEAKER_00
Putting my negative qualities in context helped me recognize the same ratio in myself that I am more good than bad.
0
SPEAKER_00
We talked about this feedback loop in class.
0
SPEAKER_00
When we criticize others, we can't help but notice the bad in ourselves.
0
SPEAKER_00
But when we look for the good in others, we start to see the best in ourselves too.
0
SPEAKER_00
 The guy sitting next to me on the wall nudges me out of my reverie.
0
SPEAKER_00
So you think he'll last?
0
SPEAKER_00
I've lost track of what we're talking about.
0
SPEAKER_00
Who, I ask?
0
SPEAKER_00
Gabe, he shouldn't have been hired in the first place, right?
0
SPEAKER_00
 Oh, I don't know, I say.
0
SPEAKER_00
Once I'd spent time in the ashram, I became very sensitive to gossip.
0
SPEAKER_00
I'd gotten used to conversations with primarily positive energy.
0
SPEAKER_00
When I first arrived back in the world, I was awkwardly silent.
0
SPEAKER_00
I didn't want to be the morality police, but I also didn't want to participate.
0
SPEAKER_00
As the Buddha advised, do not give your attention to what others do or fail to do.
0
SPEAKER_00
Give it to what you do or fail to do.
0
SPEAKER_00
 I quickly figured out to say things like, oh, I'm not sure or I haven't heard anything.
0
SPEAKER_00
Then I'd shift the conversation to something more positive.
0
SPEAKER_00
Did you hear they've asked Max to stay on?
0
SPEAKER_00
I'm psyched for him.
0
SPEAKER_00
Gossip has value in some situations.
0
SPEAKER_00
It helps society regulate what is acceptable behavior and we often use it to see if others agree with our judgments about other people's behavior and therefore our values.
0
SPEAKER_00
 But there are kinder ways to negotiate these questions.
0
SPEAKER_00
More often we use gossip to put others down, which can make us feel superior to them and or bolster our status in a group.
0
SPEAKER_00
Some of my friends and colleagues stopped trying to gossip with me altogether.
0
SPEAKER_00
We had real conversations instead.
0
SPEAKER_00
Some trusted me more, realizing that since I didn't gossip with them, I wouldn't gossip about them.
0
SPEAKER_00
 If there were people who thought I was just plain boring, well, I have nothing bad to say about them.
0
SPEAKER_00
Negativity is everywhere.
0
SPEAKER_00
You wake up.
0
SPEAKER_00
Your hair looks terrible.
0
SPEAKER_00
Your partner complains that you're out of coffee.
0
SPEAKER_00
On the way to work, some driver who's texting makes you miss the light.
0
SPEAKER_00
The news on the radio is worse than yesterday.
0
SPEAKER_00
Your co-worker whispers to you that Candace is pretending to be sick again.
0
SPEAKER_00
Every day we are assaulted by negativity.
0
SPEAKER_00
 No wonder we can't help but dish it out as well as receive it.
0
SPEAKER_00
We report the aches and pains of the day rather than the small joys.
0
SPEAKER_00
We compare ourselves to our neighbors, complain about our partners, say things about our friends behind their backs that we would never say to their faces, criticize people on social media, argue, deceive, even explode into anger.
0
SPEAKER_00
 This negative chatter even takes place throughout what we might consider to be a good day, and it's not part of anyone's plan.
0
SPEAKER_00
In my experience, nobody wakes up and thinks, how can I be mean to or about other people today?
0
SPEAKER_00
Or how can I make myself feel better by making others feel worse today?
0
SPEAKER_00
Still, negativity often comes from within.
0
SPEAKER_00
 We have three core emotional needs, which I like to think of as peace, love, and understanding.
0
SPEAKER_00
Thanks, Nick Lowe and Elvis Costello.
0
SPEAKER_00
Negativity in conversation, emotions, and actions often springs from a threat to one of the three needs.
0
SPEAKER_00
A fear that bad things are going to happen, loss of peace.
0
SPEAKER_00
A fear of not being loved, loss of love.
0
SPEAKER_00
Or a fear of being disrespected, loss of understanding.
0
SPEAKER_00
 From these fears stem all sorts of other emotions, feeling overwhelmed, insecure, hurt, competitive, needy, and so on.
0
SPEAKER_00
These negative feelings spring out of us as complaints, comparisons, and criticisms, and other negative behaviors.
0
SPEAKER_00
 Think of the trolls who dive under social media dumping ill will on their target.
0
SPEAKER_00
Perhaps their fear is that they aren't respected and they turn to trolling to feel significant.
0
SPEAKER_00
Or perhaps their political beliefs are generating the fear that their world is unsafe.
0
SPEAKER_00
 Or maybe they're just trying to build a following.
0
SPEAKER_00
Fear certainly doesn't motivate every troll in the world.
0
SPEAKER_00
For another example, we all have friends who turn a catch-up phone call into an interminable vent session describing their job, their partner, their family.
0
SPEAKER_00
What's wrong?
0
SPEAKER_00
What's unfair?
0
SPEAKER_00
What's never going to change?
0
SPEAKER_00
 For these people, nothing ever seems to go right.
0
SPEAKER_00
This person may be expressing their fear that bad things are going to happen.
0
SPEAKER_00
Their core need for peace and security is threatened.
0
SPEAKER_00
Bad things do happen.
0
SPEAKER_00
In our lives, we're all victims at some point, whether we're being racially profiled or being cut off in traffic.
0
SPEAKER_00
But if we adopt a victim mentality, we're more likely to take on a sense of entitlement and to behave selfishly.
0
SPEAKER_00
 Stanford psychologists took 104 subjects and assigned them to one of two groups, one told to write a short essay about a time they were bored and the other to write about a time when life seemed unfair or when they felt wronged or slighted by someone.
0
SPEAKER_00
 Afterward, the participants were asked if they wanted to help the researchers with an easy task.
0
SPEAKER_00
Those who'd written about a time they'd been wronged were 26% less likely to help the researchers.
0
SPEAKER_00
In a similar study, participants who identified with a victim mindset were not only more likely to express selfish attitudes afterward, they were also more likely to leave behind trash and even take the experimenter's pens.
0
SPEAKER_02
 When you find that bright spot to help you get through your day, it's powerful.
0
SPEAKER_08
That's where The Bright Side comes in.
0
SPEAKER_08
A new daily podcast from Hello Sunshine that's bringing you a daily dose of joy.
0
SPEAKER_08
I'm Danielle Robay.
0
SPEAKER_08
And I'm Simone Boyce.
0
SPEAKER_02
Listen, both Danielle and I are reporters.
0
SPEAKER_02
We've covered the news and we know the world can feel heavy, but The Bright Side podcast is a space to have a little fun, to learn something new and get into some friendly debates.
0
SPEAKER_08
 That's right.
0
SPEAKER_08
Join us five days a week to see how life can look from the bright side.
0
SPEAKER_08
We'll hear from celebrities, authors, experts and listeners like you, whether it's relationships, friend advice or figuring out how to navigate life's transitions.
0
SPEAKER_02
We'll talk through it all together.
0
SPEAKER_08
Listen to the bright side from Hello Sunshine every weekday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_09
 Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt and we're the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_10
It's a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
0
SPEAKER_09
Like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
0
SPEAKER_10
 We're back with season two of the podcast, which means more opportunities to glow up and become a more responsible and better adult, one life lesson at a time.
0
SPEAKER_09
And let me just tell you, this show is just as much for us as it is for you.
0
SPEAKER_09
So let's figure this stuff out together.
0
SPEAKER_09
This season, we're going to talk about whether or not we're financially and emotionally ready for dog ownership.
0
SPEAKER_10
 We're going to figure out the benefits of a high yield savings account.
0
SPEAKER_09
And what exactly are the duties of being a member of the wedding party?
0
SPEAKER_10
All that plus so much more.
0
SPEAKER_09
Let's learn about all of it and then some.
0
SPEAKER_09
Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_06
 A new season of Bridgerton is here.
0
SPEAKER_06
And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
0
SPEAKER_06
I'm your host, Gabrielle Collins.
0
SPEAKER_06
And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the ton.
0
SPEAKER_06
Colin Bridgerton has returned from his travels abroad.
0
SPEAKER_06
Is Betrothal written in the stars for the eligible bachelor?
0
SPEAKER_06
Meanwhile, the ton is reverberating with speculation of who holds Lady Whistledown's pen.
0
SPEAKER_06
We're discussing it all.
0
SPEAKER_06
 I sit down with Nicola Coughlin, Luke Newton, Shonda Rhimes, and more to offer an exclusive peek behind the scenes of each episode of the new season.
0
SPEAKER_06
Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
0
SPEAKER_06
Then, fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_06
Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.
0
SPEAKER_00
 Negativity is contagious.
0
SPEAKER_00
We're social creatures who get most of what we want in life, peace, love and understanding, from the group we gather around us.
0
SPEAKER_00
 our brains adjust automatically to both harmony and disagreement.
0
SPEAKER_00
We've already talked about how we unconsciously try to please others.
0
SPEAKER_00
Well, we also want to agree with others.
0
SPEAKER_00
Research has proven that most humans value social conformity so much that they'll change their own responses, even their perceptions, to align with the group, even when the group is blatantly wrong.
0
SPEAKER_00
 In the 1950s, Solomon Asch gathered groups of college students and told them they were doing a vision test.
0
SPEAKER_00
The catch was that in each group, everyone was an actor except one person, the subject of the test.
0
SPEAKER_00
Asch showed participants an image of a target lying first.
0
SPEAKER_00
 then of a series of three lines, one shorter, one longer and one that was clearly the same length as the target line.
0
SPEAKER_00
The students were asked which line matched the length of the target line.
0
SPEAKER_00
Sometimes the actors gave correct answers and sometimes they purposely gave incorrect answers.
0
SPEAKER_00
In each case the real study participant answered last.
0
SPEAKER_00
 The correct answer should have been obvious.
0
SPEAKER_00
But, influenced by the actors, about 75% of the subjects followed the crowd to give an incorrect response at least once.
0
SPEAKER_00
This phenomenon has been called groupthink bias.
0
SPEAKER_00
 We're wired to conform.
0
SPEAKER_00
Your brain would rather not deal with conflict and debate.
0
SPEAKER_00
It would much prefer to lounge in the comfort of like-mindedness.
0
SPEAKER_00
That's not a bad thing if we're surrounded by, say, monks.
0
SPEAKER_00
But if we're surrounded by gossip, conflict, and negativity, we start to see the world in those terms.
0
SPEAKER_00
Just like the people who went against their own eyes in Ash's line experiment.
0
SPEAKER_00
 The instinct for agreement has a huge impact on our lives.
0
SPEAKER_00
It is one of the reasons why, in a culture of complaint, we join the fray.
0
SPEAKER_00
And the more negativity that surrounds us, the more negative we become.
0
SPEAKER_00
We think that complaining will help us process our anger, but research confirms that even people who report feeling better after venting are still more aggressive post-gripe than people who did not engage in venting.
0
SPEAKER_00
 At the Bhaktivedanta Manor, the temple's London outpost, there was one monk who drove me crazy.
0
SPEAKER_00
If I asked him how he was in the morning, he'd tell me about how badly he'd slept and whose fault it was.
0
SPEAKER_00
He complained that the food was bad and yet there was never enough.
0
SPEAKER_00
It was relentless verbal diarrhea, so negative that I never wanted to be around him.
0
SPEAKER_00
Then, I found myself complaining about him to the other monks.
0
SPEAKER_00
 And so, I became exactly what I was criticizing.
0
SPEAKER_00
Complaining is contagious, and he passed it on to me.
0
SPEAKER_00
 Studies show that negativity like mine can increase aggression toward random, uninvolved people and that the more negative your attitude, the more likely you are to have a negative attitude in the future.
0
SPEAKER_00
Studies also show that long-term stress, like that generated by complaining, actually shrinks your hippocampus, that's the region of your brain that affects reasoning and memory.
0
SPEAKER_00
 Cortisol, the same stress hormone that takes a toll on the hippocampus, also impairs your immune system and has loads of other harmful effects.
0
SPEAKER_00
I'm not blaming every illness on negativity, but if remaining positive can prevent even one of my winter colds, I'm all for it.
0
SPEAKER_00
Types of negative people Negative behaviours surround us so constantly that we grow accustomed to them.
0
SPEAKER_00
Think about whether you have any of the following in your life.
0
SPEAKER_00
 Complainers, like the friend on the phone, who complain endlessly without looking for solutions.
0
SPEAKER_00
Life is a problem that will be hard, if not impossible, to solve.
0
SPEAKER_00
Cancellers, who take a compliment and spin it.
0
SPEAKER_00
You look good today becomes, you mean I looked bad yesterday?
0
SPEAKER_00
Casualties, who think the world is against them and blame their problems on others.
0
SPEAKER_00
 Critics, who judge others for either having a different opinion or not having one, for any choices they've made that are different from what the critic would have done.
0
SPEAKER_00
Commanders, who realize their own limits but pressure others to succeed.
0
SPEAKER_00
They'll say, you never have time for me, even though they're busy as well.
0
SPEAKER_00
 Competitors who compare themselves to others, controlling and manipulating to make themselves or their choices look better.
0
SPEAKER_00
They're in so much pain that they want to bring others down.
0
SPEAKER_00
Often we have to play down our successes around these people because we know they can't appreciate them.
0
SPEAKER_00
 controllers who monitor and try to direct how their friends or partners spend time and with whom and what choices they make.
0
SPEAKER_00
You can have fun with this list, seeing if you can think of someone to fit each type, but the real point of it is to help you notice and frame these behaviors when they come at you.
0
SPEAKER_00
 If you put everyone into the same box of negativity, they're so annoying, you aren't any closer to deciding how to manage each relationship.
0
SPEAKER_00
On the day I moved to the ashram with 6 other new monks travelling from England, they told us to think of our new home as a hospital, where we were all patients.
0
SPEAKER_00
 Becoming a monk, detaching from material life, was not seen as an achievement in and of itself.
0
SPEAKER_00
It simply meant that we were ready to be admitted to a place of healing where we could work to overcome the illnesses of the soul that infected us and weakened us.
0
SPEAKER_00
In a hospital, as we all know, even the doctors get sick.
0
SPEAKER_00
 Nobody is immune.
0
SPEAKER_00
The senior monks reminded us that everyone had different sicknesses, everyone was still learning, and that just as we would not judge anyone else's health problems, we shouldn't judge someone who sinned differently.
0
SPEAKER_00
 Goranga Das repeated this advice in brief metaphorical form that we often use to remind ourselves not to harbor negative thoughts toward others.
0
SPEAKER_00
Don't judge someone with a different disease.
0
SPEAKER_00
Don't expect anyone to be perfect.
0
SPEAKER_00
Don't think you are perfect.
0
SPEAKER_00
Instead of judging negative behavior, we try to neutralize the charge or even reverse it to positive.
0
SPEAKER_00
 Once you recognize a complainer isn't looking for solutions, you realize you don't have to provide them.
0
SPEAKER_00
If a commander says, you're too busy for me, you can say, should we find a time that works for both of us?
0
SPEAKER_03
 Parents, ready to discover a new educational and interactive podcast for kids?
0
SPEAKER_03
Join Stories for Kids by Lingokids, where episodes are packed with fun activities.
0
SPEAKER_03
Right, Elliot?
0
SPEAKER_04
Oh, yes!
0
SPEAKER_04
We learned how to recycle at the beach.
0
SPEAKER_04
 That was great fun!
0
SPEAKER_04
Cowie, what do you say?
0
SPEAKER_04
It was!
0
SPEAKER_04
And that time when we did the science experiment and Billy made raisins dance!
0
SPEAKER_04
That is so cool, Billy!
0
SPEAKER_03
He did!
0
SPEAKER_03
Not to mention when a certain Elliot took up swimming classes with Lisa.
0
SPEAKER_04
That was me!
0
SPEAKER_03
Bet you can't catch me!
0
SPEAKER_03
I'm going to get you!
0
SPEAKER_03
 All this fun and more in our Stories for Kids.
0
SPEAKER_03
Lingo Kids' Stories for Kids is now available on Story Button, the kid-friendly device for screenless podcast listening.
0
SPEAKER_03
Listen to Stories for Kids on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_07
 When the Taliban banned music in Afghanistan, millions were plunged into silence.
0
SPEAKER_07
Radios were smashed.
0
SPEAKER_07
Cassettes burned.
0
SPEAKER_07
You could be beaten or jailed or killed for breaking the rules.
0
SPEAKER_07
And yet, Afghans did it anyway.
0
SPEAKER_07
This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol.
0
SPEAKER_07
 The danger they endured.
0
SPEAKER_11
They said my head should be cut off.
0
SPEAKER_07
The joy they brought to the nation.
0
SPEAKER_06
You're free completely.
0
SPEAKER_06
No one is there to destroy you.
0
SPEAKER_07
I'm John Legend.
0
SPEAKER_07
Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_12
 Guess what, Bango?
0
SPEAKER_12
What's up, Will?
0
SPEAKER_12
So iHeart is giving us a whole minute to promote our podcast, Part-Time Genius.
0
SPEAKER_11
 I know, that's why I spent my whole week composing a haiku for the occasion.
0
SPEAKER_11
It's about my emotional journey in podcasting over the last seven years, and it's called Earthquake House.
0
SPEAKER_12
Mango, I'm going to cut you off right there.
0
SPEAKER_11
Why don't we just tell people about our show instead?
0
SPEAKER_11
Yeah, that's a better idea.
0
SPEAKER_11
So every week on Part-Time Genius, we feed our curiosity by answering the world's most important questions.
0
SPEAKER_11
Things like, when did America start dialing 911?
0
SPEAKER_11
Is William Shatner's best acting work in Esperanto?
0
SPEAKER_11
Also, what happened to Esperanto?
0
SPEAKER_12
 Plus, we cover questions like how Chinese is your Chinese food?
0
SPEAKER_12
How do dollar stores stay in business?
0
SPEAKER_12
And of course, is there an Illuminati of cheese?
0
SPEAKER_12
There absolutely is.
0
SPEAKER_11
And we are risking our lives by talking about it.
0
SPEAKER_11
But if you love mind-blowing facts, incredible history and really bad jokes, make your brains happy and tune in to Part-Time Genius.
0
SPEAKER_12
Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_00
 reverse external negativity.
0
SPEAKER_00
These categories help us step away from the negative person in order to make clear-headed decisions about our role in the situation.
0
SPEAKER_00
The Monk way is to dig to the root, diagnose and clarify a situation so you can explain it simply to yourself.
0
SPEAKER_00
Let's use this approach to define strategies for dealing with negative people.
0
SPEAKER_00
Become an objective observer.
0
SPEAKER_00
 Monks lead with awareness.
0
SPEAKER_00
We approach negativity, any type of conflict really, by taking a step back to remove ourselves from the emotional charge of the moment.
0
SPEAKER_00
Catholic monk Father Thomas Keating said, there is no commandment that says we have to be upset by the way other people treat us.
0
SPEAKER_00
 The reason we are upset is because we have an emotional program that says, if someone is nasty to me, I cannot be happy or feel good about myself.
0
SPEAKER_00
Instead of reacting compulsively and retaliating, we could enjoy our freedom as human beings and refuse to be upset.
0
SPEAKER_00
We step away, not literally, but emotionally, and look at the situation as if we are not in the middle of it.
0
SPEAKER_00
 We will talk more about this distance, which is called detachment, in the next chapter.
0
SPEAKER_00
For now, I'll say that it helps us find understanding without judgment.
0
SPEAKER_00
Negativity is a trait, not someone's identity.
0
SPEAKER_00
A person's true nature can be obscured by clouds.
0
SPEAKER_00
But, like the sun, it is always there.
0
SPEAKER_00
 and clouds can overcome any of us.
0
SPEAKER_00
We have to understand this when we deal with people who exude negative energy.
0
SPEAKER_00
Just like we wouldn't want someone to judge us by our worst moments, we must be careful not to do that to others.
0
SPEAKER_00
When someone hurts you, it's because they're hurt.
0
SPEAKER_00
Their hurt is simply spilling over.
0
SPEAKER_00
 They need help.
0
SPEAKER_00
And as the Dalai Lama says, if you can, help others.
0
SPEAKER_00
If you cannot do that, at least do not harm them.
0
SPEAKER_00
Back, slowly, away.
0
SPEAKER_00
 From a position of understanding, we are better equipped to address negative energy.
0
SPEAKER_00
The simplest response is to back slowly away.
0
SPEAKER_00
Just as in the last chapter we let go of the influences that interfered with our values, we want to cleanse ourselves of the negative attitudes that cloud our outlook.
0
SPEAKER_00
 In the heart of the Buddha's teaching, Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist monk who has been called the father of mindfulness, writes, letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness.
0
SPEAKER_00
 If in our heart we still cling to anything, anger, anxiety or possessions, we cannot be free.
0
SPEAKER_00
I encourage you to purge or avoid physical triggers of negative thoughts and feelings, like that sweatshirt your ex gave you, or the coffee shop where you always run into a former friend.
0
SPEAKER_00
If you don't let go physically, you won't let go emotionally.
0
SPEAKER_00
 But when a family member, a friend or a colleague is involved, distancing ourselves is often not an option or not the first response we want to give.
0
SPEAKER_00
We need to use other strategies.
0
SPEAKER_00
The 25-75 Principle
0
SPEAKER_00
 For every negative person in your life, have three uplifting people.
0
SPEAKER_00
I try to surround myself with people who are better than I am in some way.
0
SPEAKER_00
Happier, more spiritual.
0
SPEAKER_00
In life, as in sports, being around better players pushes you to grow.
0
SPEAKER_00
 I don't mean for you to take this so literally that you label each of your friends either negative or uplifting.
0
SPEAKER_00
But aim for the feeling that at least 75% of your time is spent with people who inspire you rather than bring you down.
0
SPEAKER_00
Do your part in making the friendship an uplifting exchange.
0
SPEAKER_00
Don't just spend time with the people you love.
0
SPEAKER_00
Grow with them.
0
SPEAKER_00
 Take a class, read a book, do a workshop.
0
SPEAKER_00
Sangha is the Sanskrit word for community and it suggests a refuge where people serve and inspire each other.
0
SPEAKER_00
Allocate time.
0
SPEAKER_00
Another way to reduce negativity, if you can't remove it, is to regulate how much time you allow a person to occupy based on their energy.
0
SPEAKER_00
Some challenges we face only because we allow them to challenge us.
0
SPEAKER_00
There might be some people you
1
SPEAKER_00
 can only tolerate for an hour a month, some for a day, some for a week.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Maybe you even know a one-minute person.
1
SPEAKER_00
Consider how much time is best for you to spend with them and don't exceed it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Don't be a savior.
1
SPEAKER_00
If all someone needs is an ear, you can listen without exerting much energy.
1
SPEAKER_00
If we try to be problem solvers, then we become frustrated when people don't take our brilliant advice.
1
SPEAKER_00
The desire to save others is ego-driven.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Don't let your own needs shape your response.
1
SPEAKER_00
In Sayings of the Fathers, a compilation of teachings and maxims from Jewish rabbinic tradition, it is advised, don't count the teeth in someone else's mouth.
1
SPEAKER_00
Similarly, don't attempt to fix a problem unless you have the necessary skills.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Think of your friend as a person who is drowning.
1
SPEAKER_00
If you are an excellent swimmer, a trained lifeguard, then you have the strength and wherewithal to help a swimmer in trouble.
1
SPEAKER_00
Similarly, if you have the time and mind space to help another person, go for it.
1
SPEAKER_00
 But if you're only a fair swimmer and you try to save a drowning person, they are likely to pull you down with them.
1
SPEAKER_00
Instead, you call for the lifeguard.
1
SPEAKER_00
Similarly, if you don't have the energy and experience to help a friend, you can introduce them to people or ideas that might help them.
1
SPEAKER_00
Maybe someone else is their rescuer.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Reverse internal negativity.
1
SPEAKER_00
Working from the outside in is the natural way of decluttering.
1
SPEAKER_00
Once we recognize and begin to neutralize the external negativities, we become better able to see our own negative tendencies and begin to reverse them.
1
SPEAKER_00
Sometimes we deny responsibility for the negativity that we ourselves put out in the world.
1
SPEAKER_00
But negativity doesn't always come from other people and it isn't always spoken aloud.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Envy, complaint, anger.
1
SPEAKER_00
It's easier to blame those around us for a culture of negativity, but purifying our own thoughts will protect us from the influence of others.
1
SPEAKER_00
In the ashram, our aspirations for purity were so high that our competition came in the form of renunciation.
1
SPEAKER_00
I eat less than that monk.
1
SPEAKER_00
I meditated longer than everyone else.
1
SPEAKER_00
 But a monk has to laugh at himself if the last thought he has at the end of the meditation is, look at me, I outlasted them all.
1
SPEAKER_00
If that's where he arrived, then what was the point of the meditation?
1
SPEAKER_00
 In the Monastic Way, a compilation of quotes edited by Hannah Ward and Jennifer Wild, Sister Christine Vladimiroff says, in a monastery, the only competition allowed is to outstrip each other in showing love and respect.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Competition breeds envy.
1
SPEAKER_00
In the Mahabharata, an evil warrior envies another warrior and wants him to lose all he has.
1
SPEAKER_00
The evil warrior hides a burning block of coal in his robes, planning to hurl it at the object of his envy.
1
SPEAKER_00
Instead, it catches fire and the evil warrior himself is burned.
1
SPEAKER_00
His envy makes him his own enemy.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Envy's catty cousin is Schottenfurter, which means taking pleasure in the suffering of others.
1
SPEAKER_00
 When we derive joy from other people's failures, we're building our houses and pride on the rocky foundations of someone else's imperfection or bad luck.
1
SPEAKER_00
That is not steady ground.
1
SPEAKER_00
In fact, when we find ourselves judging others, we should take note.
1
SPEAKER_00
It's a signal that our minds are tricking us into thinking we're moving forward, when in truth, we're stuck.
1
SPEAKER_00
 If I sold more apples than you did yesterday, but you sold more today, this says nothing about whether I'm improving as an apple seller.
1
SPEAKER_00
The more we define ourselves in relation to the people around us, the more lost we are.
1
SPEAKER_00
 We may never completely purge ourselves of envy, jealousy, greed, lust, anger, pride, and illusion, but that doesn't mean we should ever stop trying.
1
SPEAKER_00
In Sanskrit, the word anartha generally means things not wanted.
1
SPEAKER_00
And to practice anartha nivritti is to remove that which is unwanted.
1
SPEAKER_00
We think freedom means that we can pursue all our desires.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Real freedom is letting go of things not wanted, the unchecked desires that lead us to unwanted ends.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Letting go doesn't mean wiping away negative thoughts, feelings, and ideas completely.
1
SPEAKER_00
The truth is that these thoughts will always arise.
1
SPEAKER_00
It is what we do with them that makes the difference.
1
SPEAKER_00
The neighbor's barking dog is an annoyance.
1
SPEAKER_00
It will always interrupt you.
1
SPEAKER_00
The question is how you guide the response.
1
SPEAKER_00
The key to real freedom is self-awareness.
1
SPEAKER_00
 In your evaluation of your own negativity, keep in mind that even small actions have consequences.
1
SPEAKER_00
Even when we become more aware of others' negativity and say, she's always complaining, we ourselves are being negative.
1
SPEAKER_00
At the ashram, we slept under mosquito nets.
1
SPEAKER_00
Every night, we'd close our nets and use flashlights to confirm that they were clear of bugs.
1
SPEAKER_00
 One morning, I woke up to discover that a single mosquito had been in my net, and I had at least 10 bites.
1
SPEAKER_00
I thought of something the Dalai Lama said.
1
SPEAKER_00
If you think you're too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
1
SPEAKER_00
Petty, negative thoughts and words are like mosquitoes.
1
SPEAKER_00
Even the smallest ones can rob us of our peace.
1
SPEAKER_00
Spot, stop, swap.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Most of us don't register our negative thoughts, much as I didn't register that sole mosquito.
1
SPEAKER_00
To purify our thoughts, monks talk about the process of awareness, addressing, and amending.
1
SPEAKER_00
I like to remember this as spot, stop, swap.
1
SPEAKER_00
 First, we become aware of a feeling or issue.
1
SPEAKER_00
We spot it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Then we pause to address what the feeling is and where it comes from.
1
SPEAKER_00
We stop to consider it.
1
SPEAKER_00
And last, we amend our behaviour.
1
SPEAKER_00
We swap in a new way of processing the moment.
1
SPEAKER_00
Spot.
1
SPEAKER_00
Stop.
1
SPEAKER_00
Swap.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Becoming aware of negativity means learning to spot the toxic impulses around you.
1
SPEAKER_00
To help us confront our own negativity, our monk teachers told us to try not to complain, compare, or criticize for a week and keep a tally of how many times we failed.
1
SPEAKER_00
The goal was to see the daily tally decrease.
1
SPEAKER_00
The more aware we became of these tendencies, the more we might free ourselves from them.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Listing your negative thoughts and comments will help you contemplate their origins.
1
SPEAKER_00
Are you judging a friend's appearance?
1
SPEAKER_00
And are you equally hard on your own?
1
SPEAKER_00
Are you muttering about work without considering your own contribution?
1
SPEAKER_00
Are you reporting on a friend's illness to call attention to your own compassion?
1
SPEAKER_00
Or are you hoping to solicit more support for that friend?
1
SPEAKER_00
Try this.
1
SPEAKER_00
Audit your negative comments.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Keep a tally of the negative remarks you make over the course of a week.
1
SPEAKER_00
See if you can make your daily number go down.
1
SPEAKER_00
The goal is zero.
1
SPEAKER_00
Sometimes, instead of reacting negatively to what is, we negatively anticipate what might be.
1
SPEAKER_00
This is suspicion.
1
SPEAKER_00
 There's a parable about an evil king who went to meet a good king.
1
SPEAKER_00
When invited to stay for dinner, the evil king asked for his plate to be switched with the good king's plate.
1
SPEAKER_00
When the good king asked why, the evil king replied, you may have poisoned this food.
1
SPEAKER_00
 The good king laughed.
1
SPEAKER_00
That made the evil king even more nervous and he switched the plates again, thinking maybe he was being double bluffed.
1
SPEAKER_00
The good king just shook his head and took a bite of the food in front of him.
1
SPEAKER_00
The evil king didn't eat that night.
1
SPEAKER_00
 What we judge or envy or suspect in someone else can guide us to the darkness we have within ourselves.
1
SPEAKER_00
The evil king projects his own dishonor onto the good king.
1
SPEAKER_00
In the same way, our envy or impatience or suspicion with someone else tells us something about ourselves.
1
SPEAKER_00
Negative projections and suspicions reflect our own insecurities and get in our way.
1
SPEAKER_00
 If you decide your boss is against you, it can affect you emotionally.
1
SPEAKER_00
You might be so discouraged that you don't perform well at work, or practically, you won't ask for the raise you deserve.
1
SPEAKER_00
Either way, like the evil king, you're the one who will go hungry.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Stop.
1
SPEAKER_00
When you better understand the roots of your negativity, the next step is to address it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Silence your negativity to make room for thoughts and actions that add to your life instead of taking away from it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Start with your breath.
1
SPEAKER_00
When we're stressed, we hold our breath or clench our jaws.
1
SPEAKER_00
We slump into feet or tense our shoulders.
1
SPEAKER_00
Throughout the day, observe your physical presence.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Is your jaw tight?
1
SPEAKER_00
Is your brow furrowed?
1
SPEAKER_00
These are signs that we need to remember to breathe to loosen up physically and emotionally.
1
SPEAKER_00
 The Bhagavad Gita refers to the austerity of speech, saying that we should only speak words that are truthful, beneficial to all, pleasing and that don't agitate the minds of others.
1
SPEAKER_00
The Vāca Sutta from early Buddhist scriptures offers similar wisdom, defining a well-spoken statement as one that is spoken at the right time,
1
SPEAKER_00
 It is spoken in truth.
1
SPEAKER_00
It is spoken affectionately.
1
SPEAKER_00
It is spoken beneficially.
1
SPEAKER_00
It is spoken with a mind of goodwill.
1
SPEAKER_00
Remember, saying whatever we want, whenever we want, however we want, is not freedom.
1
SPEAKER_00
Real freedom is not feeling the need to say these things.
1
SPEAKER_00
 When we limit our negative speech, we may find that we have a lot less to say.
1
SPEAKER_00
We might even feel inhibited.
1
SPEAKER_00
Nobody loves an awkward silence, but it's worth it to free ourselves from negativity.
1
SPEAKER_00
Criticizing someone else's work ethic doesn't make you work harder.
1
SPEAKER_00
Comparing your marriage to someone else's doesn't make your marriage better unless you do so thoughtfully and productively.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Judgment creates an illusion that if you see well enough to judge, then you must be better.
1
SPEAKER_00
That if someone else is failing, then you must be moving forward.
1
SPEAKER_00
In fact, it is careful, thoughtful observations that move us forward.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Stopping doesn't mean simply shunning the negative instinct.
1
SPEAKER_00
Get closer to it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Australian community worker Neil Barringham said, The grass is greener where you water it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Notice what's arousing your negativity over there on your frenemy's side of the fence.
1
SPEAKER_00
Do they seem to have more time, a better job, a more active social life?
1
SPEAKER_00
Because in the third step, swapping, you'll want to look for seeds of the same on your turf and cultivate them.
1
SPEAKER_00
 For example, take your envy of someone else's social whirlwind and in it find the inspiration to host a party or get back in touch with old friends or organize an after work get together.
1
SPEAKER_00
It is important to find our significance not from thinking other people have it better but from being the person we want to be.
1
SPEAKER_00
Swap
1
SPEAKER_00
 After spotting and stopping the negativity in your heart, mind and speech, you can begin to amend it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Most of us monks were unable to completely avoid complaining, comparing and criticizing.
1
SPEAKER_00
And you can't expect you'll be completely cured of that habit either.
1
SPEAKER_00
But researchers have found that happy people tend to complain.
1
SPEAKER_00
Wait for it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Mindfully.
1
SPEAKER_00
 While thoughtlessly venting complaints makes your day worse, it's been shown that writing in a journal about upsetting events, giving attention to your thoughts and emotions can foster growth and healing, not only mentally but also physically.
1
SPEAKER_00
 We can be mindful of our negativity by being specific.
1
SPEAKER_00
When someone asks how we are, we usually answer good, okay, fine, or bad.
1
SPEAKER_00
Sometimes this is because we know a truthful, detailed answer is not expected or wanted.
1
SPEAKER_00
But we tend to be equally vague when we complain.
1
SPEAKER_00
We might say we're angry or sad when we're offended or disappointed.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Instead, we can better manage our feelings by choosing our words carefully.
1
SPEAKER_00
Instead of describing ourselves as feeling angry, sad, anxious, hurt, embarrassed, and happy, the Harvard Business Review lists nine more specific words that we could use for each one of these emotions.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Instead of being angry, we might better describe ourselves as annoyed, defensive or spiteful.
1
SPEAKER_00
Monks are considered quiet because they are trained to choose their words so carefully that it takes some time.
1
SPEAKER_00
We choose words carefully and use them with purpose.
1
SPEAKER_00
 So much is lost in bad communication.
1
SPEAKER_00
For example, instead of complaining to a friend who can't do anything about it that your partner always comes home late, communicate directly and mindfully with your partner.
1
SPEAKER_00
You might say, I appreciate that you work hard and have a lot to balance.
1
SPEAKER_00
When you come home later than you promised, it drives me crazy.
1
SPEAKER_00
You could support me by texting me as soon as you know you're running late.
1
SPEAKER_00
 When our complaints are understood by ourselves and others, they can be more productive.
1
SPEAKER_00
In addition to making our negativity more productive, we can also deliberately swap in positivity.
1
SPEAKER_00
One way to do this, as I mentioned, is to use our negativity, like envy, to guide us to what we want.
1
SPEAKER_00
But we can also swap in new feelings.
1
SPEAKER_00
 In English, we have the words empathy and compassion to express our ability to feel the pain that others suffer.
1
SPEAKER_00
But we don't have a word for experiencing vicarious joy, joy on behalf of other people.
1
SPEAKER_00
Perhaps this is a sign that we all need to work on it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Mudita is the principle of taking sympathetic or unselfish joy in the good fortune of others.
1
SPEAKER_00
 If I only find joy in my own successes, I'm limiting my joy.
1
SPEAKER_00
But if I can take pleasure in the success of my friends and family, 10, 20, 50 people, I get to experience 50 times the happiness and joy.
1
SPEAKER_00
Who doesn't want that?
1
SPEAKER_00
 The material world has convinced us that there are only a limited number of colleges worth attending, a limited number of good jobs available, a limited number of people who get lucky.
1
SPEAKER_00
In such a finite world, there's only so much success and happiness to go around.
1
SPEAKER_00
And whenever other people experience them, your chances of doing so decrease.
1
SPEAKER_00
 But monks believe that when it comes to happiness and joy, there is always a seat with your name on it.
1
SPEAKER_00
In other words, you don't need to worry about someone taking your place.
1
SPEAKER_00
In the theater of happiness, there is no limit.
1
SPEAKER_00
Everyone who wants to partake in mudita can watch the show.
1
SPEAKER_00
With unlimited seats, there is no fear of missing out.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Radhanath Swami is my spiritual teacher and the author of several books, including The Journey Home.
1
SPEAKER_00
I asked him how to stay peaceful and be a positive force in a world where there is so much negativity.
1
SPEAKER_00
 He said, there is toxicity everywhere around us, in the environment, in the political atmosphere, but the origin is in people's hearts.
1
SPEAKER_00
Unless we clean the ecology of our own heart and inspire others to do the same, we will be an instrument of polluting the environment.
1
SPEAKER_00
 But if we create purity in our own heart, then we can contribute great purity to the world around us.
1
SPEAKER_00
Try this reverse envy.
1
SPEAKER_00
Make a list of five people you care about, but also feel competitive with.
1
SPEAKER_00
Come up with at least one reason that you're envious of each one, something they've achieved, something they're better at, something that's gone well for them.
1
SPEAKER_00
Did that achievement actually take anything away from you?
1
SPEAKER_00
 Now think about how it benefited your friend.
1
SPEAKER_00
Visualize everything good that has come to them from this achievement.
1
SPEAKER_00
Would you want to take any of these things away if you could?
1
SPEAKER_00
Even knowing that they would not come to you?
1
SPEAKER_00
If so, this envy is robbing you of joy.
1
SPEAKER_00
Envy is more destructive to you than whatever your friend has accomplished.
1
SPEAKER_00
Spend your energy transforming it.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Shama, amending anger.
1
SPEAKER_00
We've talked about strategies to manage and minimize the daily negativity in your life.
1
SPEAKER_00
The nuisances like complaining, comparing, and gossip can feel manageable next to bigger negative emotions like pain and anger.
1
SPEAKER_00
 We all harbor anger in some form.
1
SPEAKER_00
Anger from the past or anger at people who continue to play a big role in our lives.
1
SPEAKER_00
Anger at misfortune, anger at the living and the dead.
1
SPEAKER_00
Anger turned inward.
1
SPEAKER_00
When we are deeply wounded, anger is often part of the response.
1
SPEAKER_00
Anger is a great flaming ball of negative emotion.
1
SPEAKER_00
And when we cannot let it go, no matter how we try, the anger takes on a life of its own.
1
SPEAKER_00
 The toll is enormous.
1
SPEAKER_00
I want to talk specifically about how to deal with anger we feel toward other people.
1
SPEAKER_00
Shama is the Sanskrit for forgiveness.
1
SPEAKER_00
 It suggests that you bring patience and forbearance to your dealings with others.
1
SPEAKER_00
Sometimes we have been wounded so deeply that we can't imagine how we might forgive the person who hurt us.
1
SPEAKER_00
But, contrary to what most of us believe, forgiveness is primarily an action we take within ourselves.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Sometimes it's better and safer and healthier not to have direct contact with the person at all.
1
SPEAKER_00
Other times, the person who hurt us is no longer around to be forgiven directly.
1
SPEAKER_00
But those factors don't impede forgiveness because it is, first and foremost, internal.
1
SPEAKER_00
It frees you from anger.
1
SPEAKER_00
 One of my clients told me, I had to reach back to my childhood to pinpoint why I felt unloved and unworthy.
1
SPEAKER_00
My paternal grandmother set the tone for this feeling.
1
SPEAKER_00
I realized she treated me differently because she didn't like my mother.
1
SPEAKER_00
I had to forgive her even though she passed on already.
1
SPEAKER_00
I realized I was always worthy and always lovable.
1
SPEAKER_00
She was broken, not I.
1
SPEAKER_00
 The Bhagavad Gita describes three gunas or modes of life, tamas, rajas, and sattva, which represent ignorance, impulsivity, and goodness.
1
SPEAKER_00
I have found that these three modes can be applied to any activity.
1
SPEAKER_00
For example, when you pull back from a conflict and look for understanding, it's very useful to try to shift from rajas, impulsivity, and passion, to sattva, goodness, positivity, and peace.
1
SPEAKER_00
 These modes are the foundation of my approach to forgiveness.
1
SPEAKER_00
Transformational Forgiveness Before we find our way to forgiveness, we're stuck in anger.
1
SPEAKER_00
 We may even want revenge to return the pain that a person has inflicted on us.
1
SPEAKER_00
An eye for an eye.
1
SPEAKER_00
Revenge is the mode of ignorance.
1
SPEAKER_00
It's often said that you can't fix yourself by breaking someone else.
1
SPEAKER_00
Monks don't hinge their choices and feelings on others' behaviors.
1
SPEAKER_00
 You believe revenge will make you feel better because of how the other person will react.
1
SPEAKER_00
But when you make your vindictive play and the person doesn't have the response you fantasized about, guess what?
1
SPEAKER_00
You only feel more pain.
1
SPEAKER_00
Revenge backfires.
1
SPEAKER_00
When you rise above revenge, you can begin the process of forgiveness.
1
SPEAKER_00
People tend to think in binary terms.
1
SPEAKER_00
 You either forgive someone or you don't forgive someone.
1
SPEAKER_00
But, as I will suggest more than once in this book, there are often multiple levels.
1
SPEAKER_00
These levels give us leeway to be where we are, to progress in our own time, and to climb only as far as we can.
1
SPEAKER_00
On the scale of forgiveness, the bottom, though it is higher than revenge, is zero forgiveness.
1
SPEAKER_00
 I am not going to forgive that person no matter what.
1
SPEAKER_00
I don't want to hurt them, but I'm never going to forgive them.
1
SPEAKER_00
On this step, we're still stuck in anger and there is no resolution.
1
SPEAKER_00
As you might imagine, this is an uncomfortable place to stay.
1
SPEAKER_00
The next step is conditional forgiveness.
1
SPEAKER_00
 If they apologize, then I'll apologize.
1
SPEAKER_00
If they promise never to do it again, I'll forgive them.
1
SPEAKER_00
This transactional forgiveness comes from the mode of impulse, driven by the need to feed your own emotions.
1
SPEAKER_00
Research at Luther College shows that forgiving appears to be easier when we get or give an apology.
1
SPEAKER_00
But I don't want to focus on conditional forgiveness.
1
SPEAKER_00
I want you to rise higher.
1
SPEAKER_00
 The next step is something called transformational forgiveness.
1
SPEAKER_00
This is forgiveness in the mode of goodness.
1
SPEAKER_00
In transformational forgiveness, we find the strength and calmness to forgive without expecting an apology or anything else in return.
1
SPEAKER_00
There is one level higher on the forgiveness ladder, unconditional forgiveness.
1
SPEAKER_00
 This is the level of forgiveness that a parent often has for a child.
1
SPEAKER_00
No matter what that child does or will do, the parent has already forgiven them.
1
SPEAKER_00
 The good news is, I'm not suggesting you aim for that.
1
SPEAKER_00
What I want you to achieve is transformational forgiveness.
1
SPEAKER_00
Peace of mind.
1
SPEAKER_00
Forgiveness has been shown to bring peace to our minds.
1
SPEAKER_00
Forgiveness actually conserves energy.
1
SPEAKER_00
Transformational forgiveness is linked to a slew of health improvements, including fewer medications taken, better sleep quality, and reduced somatic symptoms, including back pain, headache, nausea, and fatigue.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Forgiveness eases stress because we no longer recycle the angry thoughts, both conscious and subconscious, that stressed us out in the first place.
1
SPEAKER_00
 In fact, science shows that in close relationships, there's less emotional tension between partners when they're able to forgive each other.
1
SPEAKER_00
And that promotes physical well-being.
1
SPEAKER_00
In a study published in a 2011 edition of the journal Personal Relationships, 68 married couples agreed to have an eight-minute talk about a recent incident where one spouse broke the rules of the marriage.
1
SPEAKER_00
 The couples then separately watched replays of the interviews and researchers measured their blood pressure.
1
SPEAKER_00
In couples where the victim was able to forgive their spouse, both partners' blood pressure decreased.
1
SPEAKER_00
It just goes to show that forgiveness is good for everyone.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Giving and receiving forgiveness both have health benefits.
1
SPEAKER_00
When we make forgiveness a regular part of our spiritual practice, we start to notice all of our relationships blossoming.
1
SPEAKER_00
We're no longer holding grudges.
1
SPEAKER_00
There's less drama to deal with.
1
SPEAKER_00
Try this.
1
SPEAKER_00
Ask for and receive forgiveness.
1
SPEAKER_00
 In this exercise, we try to untangle the knot of pain and or anger created by conflict.
1
SPEAKER_00
Even if the relationship is not one you want to salvage or have the option of rebuilding, this exercise will help you let go of anger and find peace.
1
SPEAKER_00
Before you start, visualize yourself in the other person's shoes.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Acknowledge their pain and understand that is why they are causing you pain.
1
SPEAKER_00
Then write a letter of forgiveness.
1
SPEAKER_00
Number one, list all the ways you think the other person did you wrong.
1
SPEAKER_00
Forgiving an other person honestly and specifically goes a long way toward healing the relationship.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Start each item with, I forgive you for.
1
SPEAKER_00
Keep going until you get everything out.
1
SPEAKER_00
We're not sending this letter, so you can repeat yourself if the same thing keeps coming to mind.
1
SPEAKER_00
Write everything you wanted to say but never had a chance.
1
SPEAKER_00
You don't have to feel forgiveness yet.
1
SPEAKER_00
 When you write it down, what you're doing is beginning to understand the pain more specifically so that you can slowly let it go.
1
SPEAKER_00
Number two, acknowledge your own shortcomings.
1
SPEAKER_00
What was your role, if any, in the situation or conflict?
1
SPEAKER_00
List the ways you feel you did wrong, starting each with the phrase, please forgive me for.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Remember, you can't undo the past, but taking responsibility for your role will help you understand and let go of your anger toward yourself and the other person.
1
SPEAKER_00
Number three, when you are done with this letter, record yourself reading it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Most phones can do this.
1
SPEAKER_00
Play it back, putting yourself in the position of the objective observer.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Remember that the pain inflicted on you isn't yours.
1
SPEAKER_00
It's the other person's pain.
1
SPEAKER_00
When you squeeze an orange, you get orange juice.
1
SPEAKER_00
When you squeeze someone full of pain, pain comes out.
1
SPEAKER_00
Instead of absorbing it or giving it back, if you forgive, you help diffuse
2
SPEAKER_00
 pain.
2
SPEAKER_00
Forgiveness is a two-way street.
2
SPEAKER_00
Forgiveness has to flow in both directions.
2
SPEAKER_00
None of us is perfect and though there'll be situations where you are blameless, there are also times when there are missteps on both sides of a conflict.
2
SPEAKER_00
When you cause pain and others cause you pain, it's as if your hearts get twisted together into an uncomfortable knot.
2
SPEAKER_00
 When we forgive, we start to separate our pain from theirs and to heal ourselves emotionally.
2
SPEAKER_00
But when we ask for forgiveness, at the same time, we untwist together.
2
SPEAKER_00
This is a bit trickier because we're much more comfortable finding fault in other people and then forgiving it.
2
SPEAKER_00
We're not used to admitting fault and taking responsibility for what we create in our lives.
2
SPEAKER_00
 Forgiving ourselves.
2
SPEAKER_00
Sometimes when we feel shame or guilt for what we've done in the past, it's because those actions no longer reflect our values.
2
SPEAKER_00
Now when we look at our former selves, we don't relate to their decisions.
2
SPEAKER_00
 This is actually good news.
2
SPEAKER_00
The reason we're hurting over our past is because we've made progress.
2
SPEAKER_00
We did the best we could then, but we can do better now.
2
SPEAKER_00
What could be better than moving forward?
2
SPEAKER_00
We're already winning.
2
SPEAKER_00
We're already crushing it.
2
SPEAKER_00
 When we wrap our heads around the fact that we can't undo the past, we begin to accept our own imperfections and mistakes, forgive ourselves, and in doing so, open ourselves up to the emotional healing we all yearn for.
2
SPEAKER_00
Try this.
2
SPEAKER_00
Forgive yourself.
2
SPEAKER_00
 The exercises we've shared can also be used to forgive yourself.
2
SPEAKER_00
Starting each line with, I forgive myself for, list the reasons you feel angry at or disappointed in yourself.
2
SPEAKER_00
Then read it out loud or record it and play it for yourself.
2
SPEAKER_00
Bring out the objective observer and find understanding for yourself.
2
SPEAKER_00
 letting go of the pain.
2
SPEAKER_00
Elevate.
2
SPEAKER_00
The pinnacle of forgiveness, true sattva, is to wish the other person who caused you pain well.
2
SPEAKER_00
 I became a Buddhist because I hated my husband.
2
SPEAKER_00
That's not something you hear every day, but Buddhist nun and author of When Things Fall Apart, Pema Chodron, is only kind of kidding.
2
SPEAKER_00
After her divorce, she went into a negativity spiral where she entertained revenge fantasies because of her husband's affair.
2
SPEAKER_00
 Eventually, she came across the writings of Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, a meditation master who founded Naropa University in Boulder, Colorado.
2
SPEAKER_00
In reading his work, she realized that the relationship had become like a malignant cell.
2
SPEAKER_00
Instead of dying off, her anger and blame were causing the negativity of the breakup to spread.
2
SPEAKER_00
 Once Chodron allowed herself to become more like a river than a rock, she was able to forgive her husband and move forward.
2
SPEAKER_00
She now refers to her ex-husband as one of her greatest teachers.
2
SPEAKER_00
 If you want the negativity between yourself and another person to dissipate, you have to hope that you both heal.
2
SPEAKER_00
You don't have to tell them directly, but send the energy of well-wishing out into the air.
2
SPEAKER_00
This is when you feel most free and at peace, because you're truly able to let go.
2
SPEAKER_00
 Negativity is a natural part of life.
2
SPEAKER_00
We tease and provoke, express vulnerability, connect over shared values and fears.
2
SPEAKER_00
It's hard to find a comedy show that isn't based on negative observations.
2
SPEAKER_00
But there is a line between negativity that helps us navigate life and negativity that puts more pain out into the world.
2
SPEAKER_00
 You might talk about the problems someone's child is having with addiction because you're scared that it will happen to your family and hoping to avoid it.
2
SPEAKER_00
But you also might gossip about the same issue to judge the family and feel better about your own.
2
SPEAKER_00
 Ellen DeGeneres sees the line clearly.
2
SPEAKER_00
In an interview with Parade Magazine, she said that she doesn't think it's funny to make fun of people.
2
SPEAKER_00
The world is filled with negativity.
2
SPEAKER_00
I want people to watch me and think, I feel good, and I'm going to make somebody else feel good today.
2
SPEAKER_00
 This is the spirit in which monks have fun.
2
SPEAKER_00
We're playful and laugh easily.
2
SPEAKER_00
When new monks arrived, they often took themselves too seriously.
2
SPEAKER_00
I know I did.
2
SPEAKER_00
And the senior monks would have a twinkle in their eyes when they said, steady now, don't waste all your energy on your first day.
2
SPEAKER_00
 Whenever the priest brought out the most special sacred food, which was sweeter and tastier than the simple food we ordinarily ate, the younger monks would joke wrestle to get to it first.
2
SPEAKER_00
And if someone fell asleep and snored during meditation, we would all glance at one another, not even trying to hide our distraction.
2
SPEAKER_00
 We needn't reduce our thoughts and words to 100% sunshine and positivity, but we should challenge ourselves to dig to the root of negativity, to understand its origins in ourselves and those around us, and to be mindful and deliberate in how we manage the energy it absorbs.
2
SPEAKER_00
 We begin to let go through recognition and forgiveness.
2
SPEAKER_00
We spot, stop and swap, observe, reflect and develop new behaviours to replace the negativity in our lives, always striving towards self-discipline and bliss.
2
SPEAKER_00
 When you stop feeling so curious about others' misfortunes and instead take pleasure in their successes, you're healing.
2
SPEAKER_00
The less time you fixate on everyone else, the more time you have to focus on yourself.
2
SPEAKER_00
Negativity, as we've discussed, often arises from fear.
2
SPEAKER_00
Next, we will explore fear itself.
2
SPEAKER_00
 how it gets in our way, and how we can make it a productive part of life.
2
SPEAKER_00
Head over to thinklikeamonkbook.com if you'd like to grab a hardback, Kindle, or the Audible version of the book that's available right now.
2
SPEAKER_00
And thank you so much for being a part of the On Purpose community.
2
SPEAKER_00
If you haven't left a review for the book or the podcast, please go ahead and do it.
2
SPEAKER_00
It means the world to me.
2
SPEAKER_00
Thank you so much.
2
SPEAKER_04
 Guess what, Will?
2
SPEAKER_04
What's that, Mango?
2
SPEAKER_04
I've been trying to write a promo for our podcast, Part-Time Genius, but even though we've done over 250 episodes, we don't really talk about murderers or cults.
2
SPEAKER_04
I mean, we did just cover the Illuminati of cheese, so I feel like that makes us pretty edgy.
2
SPEAKER_04
We also solve mysteries like how Chinese is your Chinese food and how do dollar stores make money?
2
SPEAKER_04
And then, of course, can you game a dog show?
2
SPEAKER_04
So what you're saying is everyone should be listening.
2
SPEAKER_04
Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
2
SPEAKER_01
 Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt, and we're the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
2
SPEAKER_03
It's a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
2
SPEAKER_03
Let's learn about all of it and then some.
2
SPEAKER_03
Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on America's number one podcast network, iHeart.
2
SPEAKER_03
Open your free iHeart app and search Grown Up Stuff.
2
SPEAKER_02
 This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol.
2
SPEAKER_02
The joy they brought to the nation.
2
SPEAKER_01
You're free completely.
2
SPEAKER_01
No one is there to destroy you.
2
SPEAKER_02
The danger they endured.
2
SPEAKER_02
They said my head should be cut off.
2
SPEAKER_02
I'm John Legend.
2
SPEAKER_02
Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.