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The following podcast is a Dear Media production.
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Quick announcement for those out there that are looking to have and enjoy even better sex with one of our portfolio businesses, WooMorePlay.
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Many of you may remember a few episodes back on actually episode number 652, we had our partner and co-founder of our brand, WooMorePlay, Wesson Mitchell on.
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the podcast to talk all about the brand, all about having better sex, and also about a very specific raise that we are doing on a platform called StartEngine.
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So for those looking to learn more, check out StartEngine.com slash offering slash WooMorePlay, or just go to StartEngine and then search WooMorePlay to see the initial offering.
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If you find this kind of business interesting, definitely check it out.
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Everything s on StartEngine.com.
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And again, if you just search StartEngine.com and search WooMorePlay,
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Also, we will leave the link in our show notes here.
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In your love life, relationships, you can t take with you this hyper-optimization mindset to humans.
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You re dealing with a person.
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And if you were to exchange the things you have in this person for the things you have in another person, you don t get to tweak the one thing that you want more of because you re going to get something else that s difficult or challenging in this other person that you didn t get in the person in front of you.
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And relationships, they get better because you sculpt them.
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Hello, everybody.
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Welcome back to another episode of the Skinny Confidential Him and Her Show.
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Today, we have a much requested guest.
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Matthew Hussey is finally on the show.
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We were able to squeeze him in while he was on his US tour, while he happened to be in Austin, just happened to work out with a timely perspective.
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And I m so glad that it did because this is a different kind of conversation that we typically cover on the podcast.
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And I know Matthew Hussey has a massive fan base and audience.
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that has been waiting for this moment and we ve been waiting for him to come on the show.
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So for those that are unfamiliar with Matthew Hussey, Matthew is a New York Times bestselling author, speaker, and coach specializing in confidence and relational intelligence.
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His YouTube channel is number one in the world for love life advice with over half a billion views.
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We have a conversation today about how to find a partner who will make you a better person and help you reach your highest potential.
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We dive into how you approach people, what you should and shouldn t look for in a partner, and how to become a person that people actually want to date.
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This covers a lot of ground out there for the romantics or people that are just looking to get into a better relationship.
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With that, Matthew Hussey, welcome to Skinny Confidential, him and her show.
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This is the Skinny Confidential, him and her.
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How does one get into the subject of love?
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Like, what s the backstory?
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I feel like there s some crazy story of how you even started dipping your toe into this.
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I was very interested in self-development as a teenager, much more interested than I probably should have been at that age.
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And one of the things that self-development helped me with at that age, especially because I was brought up on books like How to Win Friends and Influence People, and those were books my dad had on his shelf always.
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the kind of natural place that went for me was I d want to be able to talk to girls because I m scared of talking to girls.
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I was like shy and introverted as a teenager.
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So to me, the idea that there were things you could learn that made you better with people was like a revelation.
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It truly was like a light bulb moment for me that you could actually get better at that.
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And when I got to, man,
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When I got to like 1920, I started making videos for people in their love lives.
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Not like nothing deep, but just how people could take more risks.
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Because I knew for myself, taking more risks, being a little more courageous had helped me to actually put myself out there and stop waiting to be chosen.
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actually be able to go and choose.
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I m the kid at school who, if you came up to me and told me your friend wanted to go out with me, and you just asked me enough times on behalf of your friend, I said yes.
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Because I was like, well, I m not going to go up to the person I really want to talk to.
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I ll go out with you because I guess I m not going to do anything.
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And eventually I got to the point where I went, I don t want to spend my whole life where I m waiting to be chosen instead of actually being able to talk to the people I want to talk to.
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And then I started helping other people do the same.
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First guys, and then women started asking me, well, when are you going to do this for us?
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And I said, I don t really, I don t know you.
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I don t know what you go through in this area.
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But the more I kind of started reading up on the advice that was already out there for women, the more I started to see that there was actually a place for some of the things I d learned.
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And that was where it all started.
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I was like 20, 21 years old at that point.
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How did you go from people choosing you to you choosing them?
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What is that transition like?
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For me, it was being braver.
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It was being prepared to be rejected.
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It was being prepared to actually create opportunities instead of needing so many signs that someone was into me that I would never be rejected by that person and then saying yes because I knew it was completely safe.
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And the irony of that is when I started working with women, what I quickly realized was so many of them were doing the exact same thing.
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They were waiting for people to come over to them.
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A lot of the times, the things that women would say that men wouldn t typically say is I m old fashioned.
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I don t want to make that move.
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And so the extra barrier I had to get over with women was.
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Not just helping them make a move, but helping them feel like it was a dynamic that they actually wanted to engage in instead of.
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being like, well, that s not my role.
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That s changed a bit with dating apps.
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Sure.
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It s an, it s an interesting dynamic though.
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And I was one, as you were talking, I was trying to think back and like, just think on this topic in general, while you were studying all this, it sounds like probably like the, at the core of this is there s a fear and maybe an insecurity or a lack of confidence and just being rejected in general, right?
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That s why people don t approach, but is there a certain profile or certain type of person you cross with or a certain, maybe kind of childhood?
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that made some people more prone to feeling this way compared to others who maybe just come out the gate confident?
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That s an interesting question.
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It s a deep question, but I wonder, were there common denominators that you found?
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Not necessarily.
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I think it s a fairly universal thing, that fear of rejection.
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But if for whatever reason we ve been conditioned to believe that embarrassment is really bad, that there s nothing worse than looking foolish, that failure is a bad thing in that area or rejection means something about you as a person,
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about who you are and what you re worth at your core, anyone who suffers from those kinds of beliefs is going to have a hard time putting themselves out there.
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And there s not, you know, it s the pattern isn t that if someone, it fits the stereotype of someone who would be afraid of rejection, like they re, you know, they don t feel stereotypically attractive.
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They don t feel like someone who s got a lot going for them or whatever.
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The idea is that that person would be the person that s afraid of rejection.
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But anyone can be, right?
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You can be someone who
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Like your belief that you are quite great, that if you think you re attractive or if you think you ve got stuff going for you, that can also make you afraid of rejection.
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Because you don t want to like shatter the image you have of yourself.
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Yeah, you re afraid to give that up.
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And in a way, it s why you see a lot of
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You know, people who have a very strong ego are often the ones that are like, I m never going to go over to anyone because there s no way I m giving you the power to reject me and shatter that idea I have of myself.
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So it works in both directions.
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Rejection can hurt for people who have no self-belief, but it also hurts for people who have built up a very
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big strong image of who they think they are in the world.
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I m not a big go up to people kind of girl if I was single.
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And the reason I m not is because I, what you mentioned earlier, want to be courted.
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Like I, I, and I think maybe you don t want to shatter the image of yourself.
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Maybe I, when you re saying that, I m like, is that, I don t, I think that for me, I m so masculine in my business that in my relationship, I want more femininity.
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What do you tell people that do want to be courted?
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Like girls that are like, I just want the tradition.
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When I first started out, I m 36 now and I ve been doing this for nearly 17 years of my life.
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When I first started out, I was literally trying to get over that barrier you just said.
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I felt like women were making bad choices sometimes with guys and accepting bad treatment because they didn t have enough choice.
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So in my mind, I was like, if I could just get them more choice, they ll have better people to choose from and they won t choose these assholes that keep treating them poorly.
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So my way of getting them more choice was to reverse that.
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old-fashioned trend by coming at it with a certain metaphor.
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And I said, look, if you think you re old-fashioned, not approaching someone at all is not old-fashioned.
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A hundred years ago, someone would walk past someone, drop a handkerchief and she d keep walking.
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And the guy would see the handkerchief and he d think this is an extraordinary opportunity to be a man.
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He would say, pick it up and be like, madam, you dropped this.
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She d be like, did I?
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And they d now have a conversation, a conversation that he thought was his idea, but she chose him.
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So what I would tell people is, look, I can show you how to drop the handkerchief in today s era and what that looks like and how you can use that to make the move, but in a way that doesn t in any way make you feel like you re the one doing the chasing.
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In fact, you can make it feel like it was someone else s idea, but you are choosing them.
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So how do you drop the handkerchief?
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I mean, a simple way, look, there s three things that matter in any interaction.
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One is eye contact.
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And most people don t make nearly enough of it.
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You know, they, they look at some, many people will look at someone once.
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And then they ll look back at their friends and they ll be like, okay, he knows.
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And he doesn t know.
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He has no idea.
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We re really dumb.
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By the way, he s also not wanting to take the risk that he thinks he knows, but he s wrong.
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And he s going to walk across the room and get rejected in front of you and your friends and have to come back and tell that story to his friends.
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Like that s a hard thing for most people to do.
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So we need to be eye fucking him.
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Well, I would class it as multiple rounds of eye contact.
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To your point though, it s a little strange if you re not reciprocating that, if a man s looking and he s not going to reciprocate, then as the guy to just keep staring over, because we live in this also time where that could be construed as very creepy.
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Yeah, yeah.
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Honestly, the last thing most guys want to come across as, there are no shortage of creepy guys.
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But most guys, I really believe, it s like their worst nightmare is coming across as creepy.
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They re trying to manage that situation.
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Especially now, right?
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It s not good for a guy to be labeled, well it never was, but these days, if you get that label, it s like you re a creep.
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Okay, so go back to the eye contact.
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So we need to be making more eye contact.
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More eye contact.
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The second thing is proximity.
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Get closer to someone because it s really, like I said, it s really hard for someone to walk across the room to you.
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You re asking too much.
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You know what we are?
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We re atoms that just need to collide.
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That s it.
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If we want to find love, we are atoms that need to collide with other atoms.
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And the more collisions you have in your life, the more chance it is you re going to actually find someone.
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So you have to ask yourself, how many people am I meeting in an average week?
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Like new people.
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How often am I colliding with other atoms?
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So now you say, okay, if I need to collide more with other people, then I have to make it easy for that to happen.
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One way is eye contact, because if I make more eye contact with someone I like the look of, it s going to make them braver.
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If they re not brave enough to come up to me with some eye contact, what I can do is get proximity.
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Let me just get closer to this person so that they can say something.
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I met my wife, Audrey, who s here with me today.
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I met her because I was in a room, we made a lot of eye contact and there was boxing on the TV and I was watching the boxing and she was like, she decided to come and watch the boxing at the same time.
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And so side by side, it s so much easier for something to happen than like, you can risk rejection shoulder to shoulder.
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or even like a couple of steps away.
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But when someone s across the room, you re asking too much.
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It s like walk across the room, get rejected, walk back across the room.
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Audrey dropped the tanker chip by standing next to you close when you guys were watching boxing.
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So step three is say something, and don t obsess over what you say, because what you re doing when you say something is you re just giving someone a green light.
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We obsess over should I approach, shouldn t I approach, and it s the wrong obsession.
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We should be obsessed with being as approachable as possible.
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Because if you re approachable, you will have no problems with initiating things.
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Most people are not initiating things or having things initiated with them because they are not approachable.
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It s not because they re not doing enough approaching.
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They re not approachable enough.
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I contact proximity and saying something like Audrey literally asked me something about the boxing, like something she has never shown an interest in since, by the way.
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But that day she was like, she looked at the boxing and she was like, so how does, how does it work with the like, and I was, and I was immediately, immediately we started talking and then we talked literally for like the next eight hours.
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So, and that was the first night we met each other, but that, those three things.
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And I, the irony of this is I had been saying this since I was 21 years old.
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And then when I met Audrey, that was literally how we met was through this thing that I d been saying for the last decade of my life before that.
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So it s very simple, but people don t do these simple things.
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They don t make themselves approachable, and then they wonder why they never meet anybody.
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Well, I think a lot of it, too, has to do with a body language.
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Like, I think what you re saying, too, is like you need to be disarming with your presence.
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Like you have to have an essence of being disarming.
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If you re if you have this body language where your arms are crossed and you have like a negative look on your face or my favorite, the worst way not to get approached is being on your phone.
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Like if you re sitting there on your phone, no one wants to approach someone on their phone.
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It makes it look like, I don t know, it makes it almost look like the person feels self-important.
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So if you re looking to be approached, don t you feel like you have to have these cues that you re open?
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Yeah, 100%.
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Looking at your phone is one of the worst ways to shut yourself off from the room.
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So is like, you imagine like a, I don t know, a situation where you re at a bar or something like that.
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When you re the two, you and your friend are like facing towards the bar and not out to the room.
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Like you have to create a space for someone to come in.
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It s like, instead of creating this fortress around you, it s like someone has to peel you apart to come and say something.
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That s one of the hardest things in the world for people to do.
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I can t stress this enough.
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Most people are not really strong at going up to strangers and saying something.
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And that doesn t make them bad partners.
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It doesn t make someone that would be a bad bet for your love life.
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So many of us are writing people off because we re like, well, if they re not brave enough to come over to me, then I m not interested.
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Like, no, we re dealing with human beings.
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And by the way, the people that will run up to you, no matter what you re doing, not always the best people to have a relationship with.
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Very true.
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Go off on that.
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Whenever someone like, well, guys come up to me, they do this.
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And I m like, yeah, it s the same 5% of guys in every room you go to.
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Right.
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I don t want to be with the guy that s going up to every single girl.
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No, thanks.
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Because one of the things I was going to say to you is as being a guy, I m sure you have friends like this.
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I know certain types of my guy friends.
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It is a numbers thing with them.
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They ll go out.
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And they will approach as many as it takes until they find somebody that says yes.
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And then there s some other friends that I have that are great guys will make no approaches for the reasons we re talking about here.
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And they would be amazing guys to be in a relationship with, but they don t have that.
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But not surprisingly, a lot of the guys that go up all the time end up getting the girls.
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But in this case, and not to throw any shade at my friends that do this,
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Like they re not the people I would want dating my sisters.
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No, for sure.
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And it doesn t, it s no indication of how great of a person you are, how great you would be in a relationship if you re the kind of person that.
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is a little more reserved when it comes to just approaching strangers.
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We shouldn t use that as some kind of marker of, well, they re less attractive if they can t do that.
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This is like a team sport.
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It s not that you have to do all of the work for someone, it s that you have to give people little green lights that make them realize that it s a maybe, not a no.
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As soon as someone is standoffish and we think we re going to get a no, most people bail before they even try.
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You know, a lot of people that I know, I m not going to say men or women, are
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very picky, almost to the point where the pickiness is in their way.
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It s like they want someone who s over six foot with this color hair that has this job that makes this much.
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I d like a doctor or a lawyer.
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I want them to be charismatic and amazing and have a great personality.
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Like, I think that sometimes when people are so stuck in there in the mud with their type, it works completely against them.
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What do you see with people who are overly picky?
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You have to chase the right things in life or you ll always be unhappy.
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Chasing the wrong things will reliably make you unhappy.
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Go off on that because I have someone specifically that needs to hear this.
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I remember talking to someone who said, I can t get over this guy.
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And I talk about her in the book.
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She said, I said, well, what s great about him?
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And she said, well he, I think she said, he s really charming, he s great to be around, and he had a really big exit from his company.
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I thought you were going to say big something else.
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No, she didn t say that one.
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I was like, it is hard to get over that.
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Fair enough.
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So for you, that would be the chasing the right thing.
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But for her, I was like, wait, you haven t told me a single thing about how this person treats you.
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There s nothing in the description you just said about this person s character or how they are with you.
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Those things meant nothing to me.
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They said nothing about the strength of the relationship you had.
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Most people in life have at some point or another chased the wrong thing.
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That s not to say chemistry isn t important.
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It s not to say sexual attraction isn t important.
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I think those things are wildly important because it s going to be a very long life with someone if you re with someone who you have zero chemistry with, but chemistry can come in
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many different forms, many different shapes and sizes.
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Like the idea that you can only have chemistry with this kind of person, that s a story that you ve told yourself.
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And a lot of that story is driven by ego.
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It s driven by who we think is going to look good on our arm when we bring them home to our family or friends, who s going to impress our social circle, who s going to make us feel like we re good enough.
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Because so much of who we date is our attempt to try to feel good enough through them.
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So if I can just get someone that matches the description you ve said, then that ll make me feel good enough.
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And we spend our lives trying to chase someone in high school that we didn t think we could get.
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Never paying attention to the actual qualities that make for a great relationship i do feel at home with this person.
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Do you feel seen by this person to actually feel truly accepted by this person that i make you more of yourself.
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You have an amazing time with this person.
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The, the, the problem is we get very excited by these attributes.
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I had a guy that I coached, or a guy that was a friend of mine, rather, he s always dated dancers.
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I talked to him about his wife and he said, I said, is she a dancer?
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And he said, least coordinated person I ve ever met.
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And I said, well, what happened?
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Like, what, you know, did it bother you?
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And he said, Matt, how much of my life do you think I spend dancing?
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So we go out, we re like, we dance, what, a couple of times a year.
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He said, this woman is an incredible partner.
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She s one of the most amazing human beings I ve ever met in my life.
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She s an incredible mother.
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Those things are the things that make my marriage amazing.
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The fact that she can t dance is utterly irrelevant to me.
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SPEAKER_01
But sometimes we have to let go of those things that we ve always told ourselves we want to find something that s actually going to matter.
2
SPEAKER_01
And here s the thing we have to suspect ourselves on.
2
SPEAKER_01
A lot of the people you re talking about have really high standards about ridiculous things, and they have really, really low standards about the most important things.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s wild.
2
SPEAKER_01
So when it comes to kindness, there s like... Like a two.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, they re like, I have no standards around how this person treats me.
2
SPEAKER_00
How is their thigh gap though?
2
SPEAKER_00
How s the- Thigh gap.
2
SPEAKER_01
No, we have a friend- What s the thigh gap?
2
SPEAKER_02
The thigh gap is the thing when you re standing from behind, there s like a thigh gap- Lauren has this- she does this thing where she s zoned in on a specific person in her life right now, and that s what she s- but anyways- I m gonna send this out.
2
SPEAKER_02
We have some friends, and I m not gonna even say which, but like-
2
SPEAKER_02
they are caught up in a very superficial way of dating, especially with dating apps.
2
SPEAKER_02
Like it s super, like, what is the aesthetic?
2
SPEAKER_02
It s like none of the other stuff to your point matters.
2
SPEAKER_02
There s no thought on kindness or what they do for a living or how they would be as a partner.
2
SPEAKER_00
Or what their energy is like.
2
SPEAKER_02
Anything.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s a very... Around other people.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s a superficial, like, this is what you look like.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I believe, like, this is the certain type of look that is right for me.
2
SPEAKER_02
Again, high standard in that regard.
2
SPEAKER_02
But every time this person meets one of these people,
2
SPEAKER_02
they are shocked that the person is so superficial and doesn t have the other qualities.
2
SPEAKER_02
But I pointed out to them the other day, I said, do you not realize that the way you re meeting this person is the most superficial way you can meet them?
2
SPEAKER_02
Why would you expect then to find the ultimate partner with all this?
2
SPEAKER_02
What you re putting out is not what you re going to get back in a way.
2
SPEAKER_01
Does that make sense?
2
SPEAKER_01
A hundred percent.
2
SPEAKER_01
And the problem is, we tend to
2
SPEAKER_01
We also resent the people that respond to our bait, whatever our bait is, but that s the bait we keep using.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s like the guy who keeps, I knew a person who every first date, he took people to like a five-star restaurant, like where there s going to be some crazy check.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I d be like.
2
SPEAKER_01
And this person complained to me that I really don t want people who want me for my money.
2
SPEAKER_01
I was like, why do you keep going to these restaurants on first dates?
2
SPEAKER_01
I know some really amazing ramen places you can go to.
2
SPEAKER_01
The food s incredible.
2
SPEAKER_00
I d love a happy meal.
2
SPEAKER_01
You d love a happy meal.
2
SPEAKER_01
Somewhere maybe between a happy meal and a five-star restaurant.
2
SPEAKER_01
But to my point, you don t need to go to these places.
2
SPEAKER_01
Why do you keep taking people to these places?
2
SPEAKER_01
It s because there s something, and when you ask people that question, there s always a first response.
2
SPEAKER_01
And his first response was, well, because I m a food guy.
2
SPEAKER_01
I love the food in this place.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m like, you don t need to spend $500 for a meal to have great food.
2
SPEAKER_01
There are some amazing places you can go.
2
SPEAKER_01
This is about something else.
2
SPEAKER_01
This is about what you think your value is.
2
SPEAKER_01
This is about what you think is your best bait.
2
SPEAKER_01
And you don t believe in everything else you have,
2
SPEAKER_01
that that s going to be interesting enough that you have to take someone to this fancy place in order to be impressive.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s no different from men or women who are constantly on Instagram posting these ridiculous thirst trap photos.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s like, people only want me for my body, or people only want me for sex.
2
SPEAKER_01
The bait that you keep putting out over and over and over again is hypersexual.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s so, it s so wild to hear you say this because it s makes so like we have a good friend and same thing.
2
SPEAKER_02
He literally will start dating a new woman and he s like, Hey, let me get you a car.
2
SPEAKER_02
Do you want to get you a condo?
2
SPEAKER_02
And then a few months later, I m so pissed.
2
SPEAKER_02
Like this, this person s a gold digger.
2
SPEAKER_02
They only want me for, I m like, dude.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I m like, what are you talking about?
2
SPEAKER_02
I m like, you started with all the gold, and it s like, to your point, they resent.
2
SPEAKER_01
And that s going to attract a certain person, and that s the brave thing.
2
SPEAKER_01
If you re serious, like I wrote this book for people who are serious about finding love, not getting attention.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s a big difference.
2
SPEAKER_01
Collaborate on that.
2
SPEAKER_01
And you might have to give up.
2
SPEAKER_01
the attention that you re used to, to find the love that you actually want and need.
2
SPEAKER_01
Give us an example of like somebody that you re describing.
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, if you re a guy, you might have to go on a date and stop talking about your achievements and stop talking
3
SPEAKER_01
about the car that you re driving or the lifestyle you have, even casually alluding to it, like people have very casual ways of alluding to it because they want someone to know, but you might have to risk them not knowing that for the first three dates.
3
SPEAKER_01
to see if they like you for who you actually are.
3
SPEAKER_00
There s a smell of desperation too when you re talking about your car on the first date.
3
SPEAKER_01
There s got to be more.
3
SPEAKER_01
The car is a very on-the-nose example, but people do it in subtle ways all the time.
3
SPEAKER_01
There are women who go on dates who say, I intimidate everyone all the time.
3
SPEAKER_01
Now look, some people, as a woman, this is a fact,
3
SPEAKER_01
If you have anything going for you in life, there is a whole swath of men that you will intimidate no matter what.
3
SPEAKER_01
That s just true.
3
SPEAKER_01
But if you tell me I m intimidating everyone,
3
SPEAKER_01
then I have to start to say, what way are you interacting or what are you bringing out constantly that is consistently making someone feel disconnected or intimidated instead of connected to you?
3
SPEAKER_01
Because some of the most successful people I know, men or women,
3
SPEAKER_01
are the best at connecting with people.
3
SPEAKER_01
They come in with ultimate humility and they re just curious about other people.
3
SPEAKER_01
So if we keep making someone feel a certain way, it s usually because there s a weapon we re used to using that makes us feel very comfortable.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s like someone who goes on a date and does nothing but tell jokes.
3
SPEAKER_01
And that other person had a really entertaining date
3
SPEAKER_01
But at the end of it, that person feels like, I don t really know you.
3
SPEAKER_01
It was hard to have a moment of sincerity because everything was a joke.
3
SPEAKER_01
But if you feel like that s your weapon that you lean on over and over and over again, then you never show the breadth of who you are that means someone says, this is the kind of rounded individual that is truly irresistible to me.
3
SPEAKER_01
And it s a danger we all can fall into.
3
SPEAKER_01
Whatever is the thing we feel most validated for,
3
SPEAKER_01
Whatever we take the greatest sense of significance from risks becoming our greatest vulnerability because we overuse it.
3
SPEAKER_01
Whatever is our validation becomes our mutation.
3
SPEAKER_02
This one s for the travel bugs out there, the ones that are looking for the best solution when it comes to travel and airfare.
3
SPEAKER_02
I will personally not fly any commercial airlines other than Delta.
3
SPEAKER_02
To me, Delta is by far the best airline out there.
3
SPEAKER_02
I love them for so many different reasons.
3
SPEAKER_02
One, I think their application experience is by far the best.
3
SPEAKER_02
Their customer service is the best.
3
SPEAKER_02
They have the best lounges in the airports.
3
SPEAKER_02
What I love about them is there s always a curated travel experience that s created for you.
3
SPEAKER_02
You always have the best in-flight meals and snacks, everything you need to be your best self.
3
SPEAKER_02
If you re a SkyMiles member like I am, you also get free Delta Sync Wi-Fi, more than a thousand hours of in-flight entertainment, premium food options and beverages, and I get upgraded all the time just by flying Delta frequently.
3
SPEAKER_02
So I really feel like they put their customer service first.
3
SPEAKER_02
If you re flying in a premium cabin, they have the best options for lounges in all the biggest and busiest airports, which is always convenient, especially if you re someone like me who has to commute a lot or travel a lot.
3
SPEAKER_02
And like I said, at this point, Delta is really the only commercial airline that Lauren and I will fly.
3
SPEAKER_02
I think they re best in class.
3
SPEAKER_02
I think their service is best in class.
3
SPEAKER_02
I think the information they provide
3
SPEAKER_02
From a communication standpoint, it s best.
3
SPEAKER_02
I think their application is the best, their lounges, and also their in-flight experience.
3
SPEAKER_02
They always have the cleanest planes and the friendliest staff.
3
SPEAKER_02
So if you have travel planned in the future or you re getting ready to travel, think about Delta.
3
SPEAKER_02
Delta Airlines believes you should feel at home even if you re 30,000 feet above it.
3
SPEAKER_02
Learn more at delta.com.
3
SPEAKER_02
Again, that s delta.com.
3
SPEAKER_02
So if you have travel planned in the future or you re getting ready to travel, think about Delta.
3
SPEAKER_02
Delta Airlines believes you should feel at home even if you re 30,000 feet above it.
3
SPEAKER_02
Learn more at delta.com.
3
SPEAKER_02
Again, that s delta.com.
3
SPEAKER_00
We recently had the founder of P.Volv on the podcast.
3
SPEAKER_00
It was amazing.
3
SPEAKER_00
It was so amazing that I actually harassed her to book P.Volv workouts when I m in L.A.
3
SPEAKER_00
So I m like booked for four workouts.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m a huge fan of the brand.
3
SPEAKER_00
And you know who else is a fan of the brand?
3
SPEAKER_00
Jennifer Aniston.
3
SPEAKER_00
She is obsessed with it.
3
SPEAKER_00
The founder actually found out that she was a huge fan because she received an email from Jen s team and Jen wanted to get involved.
3
SPEAKER_00
She said she feels stronger than ever before.
3
SPEAKER_00
Anything that Jennifer Aniston s doing, I want in on.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t know about you.
3
SPEAKER_00
So P-Volv, if you didn t listen to the episode, go back and listen.
3
SPEAKER_00
But it s basically a functional workout method that gives you like resistance.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it s designed to sculpt, strengthen, and energize the entire body.
3
SPEAKER_00
The cool thing about it is it s clinically backed with proven results.
3
SPEAKER_00
A lot of fitness methods are not.
3
SPEAKER_00
This method is designed to make you feel tight, toned, and lean.
3
SPEAKER_00
They even have expert doctors and trainers on board.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s an amazing workout.
3
SPEAKER_00
for if you want to save time and you want to do it from the comfort of your own home.
3
SPEAKER_00
They have on demand streaming and they even have equipment.
3
SPEAKER_00
They send it all to your house.
3
SPEAKER_00
Recently, I got a bunch of the workout gear and it s so chic.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s like white and black.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s amazing.
3
SPEAKER_00
We have a code for you.
3
SPEAKER_00
You can work out at home with people of streaming on demand.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s so easy.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s not just another workout routine.
3
SPEAKER_00
It is a game changer.
3
SPEAKER_00
Try it out at people dot com slash skinny.
3
SPEAKER_00
You can use code skinny for 20% off sitewide.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s pvolve.com slash skinny.
3
SPEAKER_02
This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace.
3
SPEAKER_02
Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online, whether you re just starting out or managing a growing brand.
3
SPEAKER_02
Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience, and sell anything from products to content to time, all in one place, all in your own terms.
3
SPEAKER_02
I ve been talking about Squarespace now for a couple of years on this show.
3
SPEAKER_02
I think it is so important to own your own online presence, your own brand.
3
SPEAKER_02
One of the reasons Lauren and I love podcasting so much is you own an RSS feed that you can distribute this show anywhere that people listen to podcasts.
3
SPEAKER_02
We also love owning other properties like websites and blogs and e-com sites and newsletters, all of which Squarespace can help you build.
3
SPEAKER_02
It has never been easier to build an online brand and online shop and online presence.
3
SPEAKER_02
They have so many things like email campaigns, flexible website templates, analytics, blogging tools, flexible payment solutions for e-com sites, appointments, courses, anything you want to build online.
3
SPEAKER_02
And like I said, you own all of this yourself.
3
SPEAKER_02
You re not reliant on a third party or a social platform to build your presence.
3
SPEAKER_02
Lauren and I think this is such a great solution for anyone that s starting out on any level.
3
SPEAKER_02
Long gone are the days where you have to hire 18 different developers and designers and spend a boatload of money to stand up an online presence or a website or a blog or a shop.
3
SPEAKER_02
With Squarespace, you can do it all cost effectively, conveniently, from the comfort of your own home and in a reasonable amount of time without 18 different moving pieces.
3
SPEAKER_02
Go to squarespace.com for a free trial.
3
SPEAKER_02
And when you re ready to launch, go to www.squarespace.com slash skinny to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.
3
SPEAKER_02
Again, that s squarespace.com slash skinny.
3
SPEAKER_02
This may sound a little misogynistic, you know, it just might.
3
SPEAKER_02
But to your point earlier about seeking attention, if you re a woman that s out there posting thirst traps all the time,
3
SPEAKER_02
and then you attract a certain guy because of that, and then maybe that guy also does not then want to take a relationship seriously with you.
3
SPEAKER_02
Again, to your point, you may be getting a lot of attention from a lot of different people doing these things, but to find love, you may have to sacrifice some of those practices.
3
SPEAKER_02
And again, I don t make all the rules of society and I don t make, but there s a certain type of guy that might be not inclined to pursue a serious relationship with someone who s engaged in that behavior.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m not saying that that s right or wrong, that s just how it is.
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t think that s just a female thing.
3
SPEAKER_01
I look at guys on Instagram and certain guys who are like, I want to be taken seriously.
3
SPEAKER_01
If there s a guy out there in business who s like, I want to get booked for keynote speeches by companies and every photo of him on Instagram is a six pack photo.
3
SPEAKER_01
You re not putting yourself in that lane, because it s hard for people to take you seriously when this is all you re posting.
3
SPEAKER_02
But the problem is that we live in a time where people think the lanes shouldn t matter, and that because they re alive in a time when people are either more accepting or they re a little bit more socially liberal, that all of a sudden all the rules of society s past go away, and it s just not realistic.
3
SPEAKER_01
But it s also kind of
3
SPEAKER_01
BS.
3
SPEAKER_01
People post things because it feels good, because it s like we re inclined, all of us, we are inclined to want to post, to be drawn to post the things that get us the most attention.
3
SPEAKER_01
And it s no different.
4
SPEAKER_01
You know, in love, it s in many ways the same as building a brand in business.
4
SPEAKER_01
The temptation in business is online to just post whatever content is going to get the most likes.
4
SPEAKER_01
But what gets you the most likes this week might not be the best things for your brand long term.
4
SPEAKER_01
They might not be the things that attract the kind of opportunities you really want, but it s hard to stray away from the things that get us the most attention.
4
SPEAKER_01
But if we, in our love lives, we have to go for quality over quantity.
4
SPEAKER_01
Like what s actually going to attract the kind of person that I am interested in?
4
SPEAKER_01
And it doesn t mean any of that is wrong.
4
SPEAKER_01
It just means what kind of person am I trying to attract?
4
SPEAKER_01
To your point, Lauren, it s like if someone says,
4
SPEAKER_01
you know, these guys are so superficial, but there s something about the way they re engaging with people that takes place very much on a superficial basis, then that is what you re attracting.
4
SPEAKER_02
Well, I think what I like about what you re saying is there s a lot of energetic things that aren t said that need to be talked about more.
4
SPEAKER_02
There s energy and body language and and underlying reasons people are like there s it s this is more than just like going on a date and being funny and cool.
4
SPEAKER_02
It s like there s energies that you re putting out there and then you re confused at why you re getting the energy back.
4
SPEAKER_00
No, but it s like, but this could be said, not just in relationship for business as well.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s your point about the guy that s doing the six pack abs and then wanting to be a keynote business speaker.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s like, you re not in the lane where other people in that lane are going to take you seriously.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s, it has nothing to do with how you feel.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s like, it s just, it s just the space in general.
4
SPEAKER_00
If you want to be there, you have to kind of put yourself in alignment with that space.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
And the values of the people you want to attract.
4
SPEAKER_01
You know how many messages I get a week from, from guys telling me they want to work with me in some way, shape or form.
4
SPEAKER_01
And when I go to their profile, it s Ferraris.
4
SPEAKER_01
and watches and planes and them in some silly restaurant somewhere, and they re like, I want to work with you, bro.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I m like, I don t think we have a lot in common right now.
4
SPEAKER_01
Everything you do is about money.
4
SPEAKER_01
Every single post you have says to me, the number one thing that s important to you in life is money.
4
SPEAKER_02
Why do you think that there s a lack of humility happening?
4
SPEAKER_02
Do you think it has to do with social media?
4
SPEAKER_02
What do you think this is like going on?
4
SPEAKER_01
Like, as in these things that people are posting about reflect a lack of humility?
4
SPEAKER_00
Or do you believe that, and maybe in some of these cases, these people believe that these things are what will get... That s the problem, I think.
4
SPEAKER_00
Maybe they believe that that s what will get them attention.
4
SPEAKER_01
I think that we have, we, we use whatever, look, we re all trying to get by in life.
4
SPEAKER_01
And we re all trying to find love, whether it s love of another person, whether it s love of a community, friendships.
4
SPEAKER_01
We weren t popular at school.
4
SPEAKER_01
We didn t feel loved then.
4
SPEAKER_01
We want to feel loved now in adult life.
4
SPEAKER_01
We re all just looking for love.
4
SPEAKER_01
And that s the core of everyone.
4
SPEAKER_01
I really believe that.
4
SPEAKER_01
And so I m not looking at all of these things, judging these things.
4
SPEAKER_01
I get where it comes from, which is why I say
4
SPEAKER_01
I m not criticizing it, I m saying we need bravery to do something different because it s in all of us to want love and then to put forward whatever we think is going to get us that love.
4
SPEAKER_01
And so we default to either what we ve been taught,
4
SPEAKER_01
You ve got guys who are being taught that, bro, you re not enough as you are.
4
SPEAKER_01
So if you go and make a ton of money and become powerful, then people will respect you.
4
SPEAKER_01
Then you ll be attractive.
4
SPEAKER_01
And so the guy that worked for the last 10 years to achieve those things, what is he going to post about?
4
SPEAKER_01
Of course, he s going to post about everything he s now achieved and all of the money he has.
4
SPEAKER_01
Or if he s on his way up, he s going to post about those things as if he has those things because he s been told that those are the most important things about him.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s the same for many women.
4
SPEAKER_01
If it s like, oh, this is actually the quickest route for attention.
4
SPEAKER_01
That picture I ve just posted of a sunset got three likes, and the picture I just posted by the pool got 200 likes.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s human nature to be wanting to post more pictures by the pool and less sunsets.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s just we all have that gear.
4
SPEAKER_01
No one is immune to that seduction of, wow, this gets me more attention and attention feels good because it feels like it might make me worthy.
4
SPEAKER_01
So I don t necessarily think for some people it s a lack of
4
SPEAKER_01
humility, right?
4
SPEAKER_01
And at the extreme end of that is narcissism.
4
SPEAKER_01
But narcissists are the most insecure people.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s why they have the greatest veneers.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s why they have the greatest egos and the identities they build up is because they re the most insecure.
4
SPEAKER_01
So, you know, I think that we live in a culture that seems to reward a lot of what I think of as, whether you want to call them the wrong things or things that just don t pay off in the long run, things that aren t really nourishing in the long run.
4
SPEAKER_01
I think we live in a culture that rewards a lot of that.
4
SPEAKER_01
I, I, I try to sit with myself and go, what is it I really want?
4
SPEAKER_02
What is it?
4
SPEAKER_01
Like for me?
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
Well, well, let me give you an example, right?
4
SPEAKER_01
Cause that the answer is different depending on what area of my life, but I m right now I m promoting this book.
4
SPEAKER_01
I have people coming to me from magazines who want to do pieces with me to promote the book.
4
SPEAKER_01
And one particular magazine has come to me, a very big magazine, and is like, we want to do a big piece on this and we want to tie it to a celebrity relationship because we re big on celebrity relationships.
4
SPEAKER_01
And my immediate answer is, I m good.
4
SPEAKER_01
I don t want to sell books as much as, you know, enough to go out and start talking about celebrities because I ve got zero interest.
4
SPEAKER_01
I ve never done it in my whole career.
4
SPEAKER_01
You will never find me in 16 years of YouTube videos talking about celebrities.
4
SPEAKER_01
I guarantee you my YouTube channel, my profile, my media presence would have all grown much faster if I was just willing
4
SPEAKER_01
talk about celebrities.
4
SPEAKER_01
And that s the sacrifice that you make.
4
SPEAKER_01
There are certain things you give up because there s something more important to you and you have to be connected to what is more important to you.
4
SPEAKER_01
If it s a business, how do you want to build it?
4
SPEAKER_01
What do you actually want to be known for?
4
SPEAKER_01
If it s love, what kind of love do you actually want?
4
SPEAKER_01
And, you know, I ve been, I was in a relationship where I was anxious all the time.
4
SPEAKER_01
I didn t feel peaceful.
4
SPEAKER_01
I didn t feel understood.
4
SPEAKER_01
I didn t feel valued.
4
SPEAKER_01
And that was a relationship that was hell for me.
4
SPEAKER_01
It made me miserable.
4
SPEAKER_01
So when you realize, like, I urge people in your love life, whenever you re tempted by the seductions of how charismatic someone is, how sexy someone is, how much it seems like they offer or the fun lifestyle they seem to have, how much status they seem to have,
4
SPEAKER_01
Ask yourself the last time you were truly miserable in a dating situation or a relationship, what were you missing?
4
SPEAKER_01
What didn t you have?
4
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And the answer is likely to be, I didn t feel seen.
4
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I didn t feel acknowledged.
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I didn t feel safe.
4
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I felt anxious all the time.
4
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I didn t feel like I could trust this person.
4
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When you were missing that thing, even though you were probably holding on for dear life thinking, I just can t lose this relationship, I ll die if I lose this person, this amazing person.
4
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By missing that thing, you were utterly incapable of being happy in that relationship.
4
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You were miserable.
4
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When you understand that,
4
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The next time around, if you truly connect to that and you don t forget that feeling you had, then you naturally say to yourself, no matter how amazing someone is next time around, if I don t get that thing,
4
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The whole situation and the person is worthless to me.
4
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It means nothing to me.
4
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And that s where your power comes from is knowing what you can t tolerate ever again and making that thing the price of admission for anyone who comes into your life, no matter how sexy or charismatic or hot they seem.
4
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So say somebody has gotten to the point now where they re in a new relationship.
4
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and they re feeling good about a relationship and they want to keep a healthy relationship.
4
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Of all the people you ve worked with and all the years you ve been doing this, what have you seen to be the cornerstone or pillars of a healthy, successful, long-term relationship?
4
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I think someone who A, sees you, like genuinely cares to get to know who you really are.
4
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Not they re just, they ve created an image of you and they re just happy with their image of you.
5
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never
5
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who is
5
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like exciting parts of you not when you show the most impressive parts of you we all have those and we re really good at showing those.
5
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What happens when you actually say something to that person in a week moment.
5
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When an insecure moment how do they respond to that do they respond with love and acceptance or judgment and shaming you.
5
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You know i i the thing i value the most about my one of the things i value the most.
5
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is that when I was vulnerable in this relationship, it was rewarded with more love.
5
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And I ve been in situations where that wasn t true.
5
SPEAKER_01
I ve been in a situation where I said, after a night, I said an insecurity to someone and I was deathly afraid of saying it.
5
SPEAKER_01
Like I really, in my mind, I went, don t say this, because they re not going to like you anymore.
5
SPEAKER_01
And I said it.
5
SPEAKER_01
And this person looked at me and said, I find that really unattractive.
5
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
5
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crushed me, like it crushed me.
5
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And I remember I was living with a friend at the time and I went over to his room and I was like, I m never doing that again.
5
SPEAKER_01
It was the wrong lesson to take, but the lesson I took at the time was I knew I shouldn t have said that.
5
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I knew I should have kept it in and I didn t.
5
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I m never doing that again.
5
SPEAKER_01
This vulnerability stuff, like, and it took till this relationship to find like, to then truly be vulnerable in a different way where I was like, and it was hard.
5
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It wasn t easy.
5
SPEAKER_01
It wasn t easy.
5
SPEAKER_01
Like I, I remember
5
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being vulnerable at one point and then going quite cold after I got vulnerable and her being like, why, what s going on with you?
5
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Why are you so cold right now?
5
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And I, the reason I was being cold is because my defenses went up because I was like, now that you know this about me, you re going to look at me different or you re not going to be attracted to me anymore.
5
SPEAKER_01
Your view of me is going to change.
5
SPEAKER_01
And she was like, that is the complete opposite of the, like,
5
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The more I know about you, the more I love you, the more I understand you, the more I know who you are.
5
SPEAKER_01
I love learning more about you.
5
SPEAKER_01
And it doesn t change any of the other things I think about you from all of these amazing qualities you have.
5
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I just feel like I know you better and I love that.
5
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I feel closer to you.
5
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That was a very corrective and healing thing for me.
5
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So I think being seen is one of the most beautiful things you can have in a relationship.
5
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And then I think having someone who values teamwork,
5
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There s someone who s actually a team with you in figuring it out.
5
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There s a lot of people who are in relationships, they re not really a team.
5
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That s the biggest problem that I see from, I don t want to say my inner circle, but just people, especially when I interview them, is the teamwork thing.
5
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Yeah.
5
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We argue with our partner and the problem is we get into this ego battle.
5
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And we get competitive with each other instead of being like, we re actually on the same team.
5
SPEAKER_01
Like the two of us are a unit.
5
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We re building something together.
5
SPEAKER_01
Like that to me is the most beautiful thing about a relationship is you get to build something.
5
SPEAKER_01
And the more awesome your partner is as a builder, the more amazing they are, the better the thing you can build.
5
SPEAKER_01
Like you should hope for your partner to be as amazing as they can possibly be.
5
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The idea of being competitive with someone who s on your team.
5
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It s so weird.
5
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It s so weird too when I notice like even if maybe you re out to dinner with someone and they try to sort of stifle their significant other so they look better.
5
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It s called tall poppy syndrome I think in Australia where they want all the poppies to be the same.
5
SPEAKER_00
No one can grow too high.
5
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To me, I think that s really important in a relationship is to be able to allow the person to reach their whole potential and to be a cheerleader for that person.
5
SPEAKER_02
Or couples that are always bashing the other person behind the person s back when they re not with the person.
5
SPEAKER_02
We ll meet couples all the time, not to call it any specifically, and it s always strange to us when they do that because it s like,
5
SPEAKER_02
the next interaction we all then have, Lauren and I are kind of like, well, we have all this like energy we re all bringing to this dynamic.
5
SPEAKER_02
Like say that we, us three all went to dinner and you were just bashing your wife, not that you ever would, which seems very lovely.
5
SPEAKER_02
But then we all would go, all four of us go to dinner after and we re all three sitting there like, yo, I just heard Matthew say, it s just like, I think it s a real betrayal.
5
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
5
SPEAKER_01
Because they re sitting there not knowing that you ve bashed, that they ve been bashed to the group.
5
SPEAKER_01
It s a horrible thing.
5
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Horrible.
5
SPEAKER_01
It s a real, that to me is like beyond,
5
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unkind, it s a breaking of trust, it s a breaking of a pact that you should have with your partner.
5
SPEAKER_01
It s almost like a lack of vulnerability.
5
SPEAKER_01
We re afraid of giving too much in case someone else doesn t give back.
5
SPEAKER_02
You also see this sometimes in a relationship where one person in the relationship decides to start really trying to better themselves and the other person kind of cuts them down for doing it.
5
SPEAKER_02
It s like a weird thing where it s like, I don t want, like, I want to keep you here.
5
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I think that s a projection though, that they don t want to better themselves.
5
SPEAKER_00
So they re projecting an energy onto the
5
SPEAKER_02
Or it s like, maybe I don t want anyone else to desire you, type thing.
5
SPEAKER_02
And there s like a lot of weird... I think there s that, there s a fear of, I m going to lose you.
5
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There s a fear of, this upsets how I think about myself.
5
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We all exist in this web with other people.
5
SPEAKER_01
None of us are on our own.
5
SPEAKER_01
None of us are an island.
5
SPEAKER_01
We have threads between us and everyone we know.
5
SPEAKER_01
And when someone we know does something, even if it s not your partner, it could be a friend, it could be a colleague, if they do something,
5
SPEAKER_01
it sends like a ripple through the thread between us and it forces us in some way to question our identity.
5
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If I go for a dinner, usually I eat pretty healthy.
5
SPEAKER_01
I m traveling around right now.
5
SPEAKER_01
We re doing all these podcasts and everything.
5
SPEAKER_01
My diet is atrocious right now.
5
SPEAKER_01
I ve not been training.
5
SPEAKER_01
I don t feel that great in my body right now.
5
SPEAKER_01
I don t feel like myself.
5
SPEAKER_01
If I go to dinner with friends and they order salad tonight,
5
SPEAKER_01
There s a little piece of me that feels bad.
5
SPEAKER_01
I don t hate them for it.
5
SPEAKER_01
But I also am like, it really reminds me of the fact that I m not eating well this week.
5
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And, and so it doesn t, you d think that that thing just happens in isolation.
5
SPEAKER_01
They re like, I m ordering a salad order, whatever you want, no judgment here.
5
SPEAKER_01
But I m, I m feeling something about myself because I m going, I should order a salad, but I don t want a salad.
5
SPEAKER_01
I m just tired and stressed and hungry.
5
SPEAKER_01
And I want to eat the burger, you know, Texas and the barbecue here.
5
SPEAKER_01
The Texas barbecue and the tacos and everything else.
5
SPEAKER_01
And I, and it s.
5
SPEAKER_01
So on every level we re used to this, our identity gets affected by how someone shifts or changes their identity around us.
5
SPEAKER_01
And it does take strong people and generous people and open people to welcome other people s identities expanding and to have a strong enough sense of self
5
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that they don t feel threatened by that.
5
SPEAKER_01
If you already feel you re not enough and someone else around you gets larger in some way, then immediately it reminds you that you don t feel enough and it makes you feel like you re going to lose that person because right now the thread I have to you is tied to you staying where you are.
5
SPEAKER_01
So it s a very challenging thing, but in a relationship, I had a boxing trainer that used to say to me, pay your sparring partner.
5
SPEAKER_01
that you pay your sparring partner.
5
SPEAKER_01
And I said, what do you mean?
5
SPEAKER_01
He said, you, like Muhammad Ali, couldn t have become Muhammad Ali without George Foreman.
5
SPEAKER_01
He needed George Foreman.
5
SPEAKER_01
He needed another great boxer to be the Muhammad Ali that we know.
5
SPEAKER_01
So when you have someone that you feel is your competition in some way, because they re great.
5
SPEAKER_01
I think about this in business all the time.
5
SPEAKER_01
Who s the person that makes you feel insecure?
5
SPEAKER_01
Send them a check.
5
SPEAKER_01
Because that s the person that s going to make you better.
5
SPEAKER_01
That s the person that s actually
6
SPEAKER_01
going to up your game.
6
SPEAKER_01
You can t become the person you re going to become without having that standard set.
6
SPEAKER_01
You can actually look at your relationship the same way.
6
SPEAKER_01
I want my partner to be as amazing as she can possibly be.
6
SPEAKER_01
I want her to go as far as she can go, whether it s professionally or personally in her own growth.
6
SPEAKER_01
I want her to go as far as she can go because that rising tide raises all boats, right?
6
SPEAKER_01
That s going to make me better if I m around that.
6
SPEAKER_01
That s a privilege to be around someone who s great.
6
SPEAKER_01
And you can spend your life surrounding yourself with people who are not great, and you can feel big and strong and important, or you can make your goal just your highest potential.
6
SPEAKER_01
But you can t reach your highest potential without surrounding yourself with amazing people.
6
SPEAKER_01
You just can t.
6
SPEAKER_00
Jesus Christ, there it is.
6
SPEAKER_00
That s the clip for TikTok.
6
SPEAKER_00
I mean, that was a great, great, great sentiment.
6
SPEAKER_02
For longtime listeners of this show, this will be no new information, but it may be the information to get you right over the edge to start taking care of yourself, your health, thinking about a better way to live.
6
SPEAKER_02
And that is why I m so excited to talk about Symbiotica.
6
SPEAKER_02
We ve talked about Symbiotica on this show for so long now.
6
SPEAKER_02
We ve had the founders of Symbiotica on the show, I think five or six times.
6
SPEAKER_02
They might hold the record.
6
SPEAKER_02
And that s because every time we have them on the show, we go down rabbit holes of so many different areas of health and wellness, which I know this audience loves so much.
6
SPEAKER_02
At this point, Symbiotica is taking up most of our cupboard space when it comes to supplements, and that is because they have so many incredible supplements that we take on a regular basis.
6
SPEAKER_02
I think Symbiotica s vitamin D3 and K2 is one of the best on the market.
6
SPEAKER_02
It s liposomal delivery, so you actually eat it.
6
SPEAKER_02
They make a phenomenal glutathione, which is one of the best antioxidants for the body.
6
SPEAKER_02
They also have a liposomal vitamin C that we take every time we travel.
6
SPEAKER_02
For those that are looking to get better sleep, their Magnesium L-308.
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is such a powerful formula.
6
SPEAKER_02
You can take this in the morning or at night.
6
SPEAKER_02
We typically take it both, actually, and it s one of the only magnesiums that passes the blood-brain barrier.
6
SPEAKER_02
What we love about Symbiotica is there s such a focus on quality supplements and products.
6
SPEAKER_02
In a market where there s so many people that cut corners, this brand definitely does not.
6
SPEAKER_02
I named a few of my favorites, but like I said, there s so many phenomenal products, whether it comes to gut health or cleaning or sleep, their line has become so robust, they have options for everyone, whatever your health needs may be.
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6
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My hair has never been thicker in my life.
6
SPEAKER_00
This is attributed to just really getting serious about my hair health.
6
SPEAKER_00
So I sleep on a silk pillowcase, I microneedle my scalp, I eat tons of meat for the amino acids, and I supplement.
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SPEAKER_00
And the supplement that I have been using all the time, hands down, used it through both my pregnancies, before and after, is Nutrafol.
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They are committed to really helping you on your hair journey.
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And Nutrafol just really helped mitigate the shedding.
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I know we got you tight on time here, but before you go, when you talked about kind of enough, and I wonder, like, and I think you talk about like being happy enough.
6
SPEAKER_02
How do you define that?
6
SPEAKER_02
And you know, the way I think about this is we all kind of know these people that have either reached a certain level of success or like have something in their relationship and they just kind of like push for that extra inch, that extra mile.
6
SPEAKER_02
And sometimes to their detriment, Robert Greene talks about this in his book, it s like they go past their mark.
6
SPEAKER_02
And like historical examples, like Napoleon does not need to go into Russia, right?
6
SPEAKER_02
Like it was fine, he didn t need to do all that.
6
SPEAKER_02
Like there s all sorts of examples of powerful people in relationships and throughout history and in businesses that like they just go too far because they just can t be happy enough.
6
SPEAKER_02
When you think about that, especially for what you do, how do you kind of talk to the people you work with about that?
6
SPEAKER_01
The opposite of happy enough is never enough, right?
6
SPEAKER_01
And there are so many people for whom it s never enough.
6
SPEAKER_01
There are people for whom they ll never be happy in a relationship so long as someone that on paper is better looking than their partner can walk into a room.
6
SPEAKER_01
They ll never be happy as long as there was something else they could have gotten.
6
SPEAKER_01
There was a quality that the partner they have doesn t quite have as much as this person over here.
6
SPEAKER_01
But in your love life, relationships, you can t take with you this hyper-optimization mindset to humans.
6
SPEAKER_01
You re dealing with a person.
6
SPEAKER_01
And if you were to exchange the things you have in this person for the things you have in another person, you don t get to tweak the one thing that you want more of.
6
SPEAKER_00
And the grass isn t always greener.
6
SPEAKER_01
No, because you re going to get something else that s difficult or challenging in this other person that you didn t get in the person in front of you.
6
SPEAKER_01
And relationships, they get better because you sculpt them.
6
SPEAKER_02
It s not like an iPhone where it s like, this one has a better version of the camera.
6
SPEAKER_02
You re getting a bunch of other shit that may be broken as well.
6
SPEAKER_01
That s exactly right.
6
SPEAKER_01
And it really does miss the point that what makes relationships great is that the two of you together, you evolve and you sculpt and you create this history and you build something together.
6
SPEAKER_01
That s the special part.
6
SPEAKER_01
In the book I talk about there being four levels of importance in any situation.
6
SPEAKER_01
There s a chapter called how to tell love stories because I think we tell ourselves love stories all wrong and we get attached to all the wrong love stories.
6
SPEAKER_01
Movies and books are great, don t get me wrong, I m a huge romantic when it comes to movies and books, but I never confuse them with what a real love story looks like.
6
SPEAKER_00
I did love Cinderella.
6
SPEAKER_01
You love Cinderella?
6
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, but go on.
6
SPEAKER_01
What was Cinderella?
6
SPEAKER_01
The Prince.
6
SPEAKER_00
Lost her show.
6
SPEAKER_01
She s cleaning like... No, but talk about this though because... Titanic.
6
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
6
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
6
SPEAKER_02
How old is she in Titanic?
6
SPEAKER_02
Have you seen that meme of the person and it s like the greatest love story of all time, the woman who slept with a homeless man and then let him drown.
6
SPEAKER_02
That s kind of like summed it up in a dark way.
6
SPEAKER_01
Well, here s what does trouble me about the story is we are all invested in this love story.
6
SPEAKER_01
between two people that took place, what, 80 years ago in her life?
6
SPEAKER_01
70 years ago in her life?
6
SPEAKER_01
And she knew the guy for how long?
6
SPEAKER_01
Five days?
6
SPEAKER_02
Honestly, to be kind of crass, I mean, she fucked him in a car and then he drowned.
6
SPEAKER_00
The car was hot though.
6
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I know, but the point is... The car was hot, come on.
6
SPEAKER_01
But to your point... By the way, I m not bashing Titanic.
6
SPEAKER_01
I love that film.
6
SPEAKER_01
I cry every single time I watch that film.
6
SPEAKER_01
Not bashing the story, the movie, but in real life, this is a story about someone who is still thinking
7
SPEAKER_02
about and talking about someone that she knew for a few days, decades ago.
7
SPEAKER_02
This is not, you know, we have to stop cheapening what, you know, when people were in a marriage for many years and they build something amazing, that can t be compared to a three month fling that someone had that they re like, he, you know, he was amazing.
7
SPEAKER_02
He was, I just feel like he was the one and you go, well, what happened?
7
SPEAKER_02
Well, he decided he wanted to go traveling.
7
SPEAKER_02
It s like, well then, this wasn t anything you think it was.
7
SPEAKER_02
You had a great connection for a couple of months.
7
SPEAKER_02
What is that?
7
SPEAKER_02
That s fireworks.
7
SPEAKER_02
It s not a life.
7
SPEAKER_02
Anyone can enjoy fireworks for 10 minutes, but a life is what happens the day after the fireworks.
7
SPEAKER_02
New Year s Eve, the fireworks, oh, they re amazing.
7
SPEAKER_02
But next morning, you wake up into your actual life and that s your life.
7
SPEAKER_02
So in this chapter, I talk about what s a real love story.
7
SPEAKER_02
What s a real love story, one that s worth valuing?
7
SPEAKER_02
It has four levels.
7
SPEAKER_02
The first one is admiration, which by the way is level one, which is to say, not that important if you don t have the other three.
7
SPEAKER_02
Right?
7
SPEAKER_02
Because level two is mutual attraction.
7
SPEAKER_02
Now, I don t just admire you from afar or think you re awesome or have this unrequited love.
7
SPEAKER_02
You don t even know I exist, but I think you re amazing.
7
SPEAKER_02
It s nonsense.
7
SPEAKER_02
Right?
7
SPEAKER_02
For something to mean anything, there has to be a mutual feeling.
7
SPEAKER_02
Okay, so now you have level two, mutual attraction, chemistry, connection, whatever.
7
SPEAKER_00
You ve made it to level two.
7
SPEAKER_00
Go on.
7
SPEAKER_02
Now, everyone thinks level two is really important.
7
SPEAKER_02
And why do we say level two is really important?
7
SPEAKER_02
Because I never meet anyone I like.
7
SPEAKER_02
And especially when they like me back.
7
SPEAKER_02
Oh, my God.
7
SPEAKER_02
That s like the holy grail.
7
SPEAKER_02
That s amazing.
7
SPEAKER_02
That s so rare.
7
SPEAKER_02
But level two is not that important either, because level two is riddled with people who are like, he s just amazing.
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She s just amazing.
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Oh, my God.
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I ve never felt this way before.
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I feel amazing.
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We could talk about anything we talk about.
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What s the problem?
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Or they said they don t want a relationship.
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then you have nothing.
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What is this?
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If the love of your life gets hit by a car, that s tragic.
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If the love of your life is a target right now, buying things, and the only obstacle is that they don t want to be with you,
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That s not the love of your life.
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They still exist on this planet.
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They re not gone somewhere.
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They re there.
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They re just deciding not to be with you.
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That s not the love of your life.
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So level two mutual attraction is a prerequisite for something important, but on its own, not that important.
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So level three is commitment.
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There s two people actually saying yes to each other, right?
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Do you have someone who s actually saying yes?
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If you do, I promise you.
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They re not important.
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They cannot be important.
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So they have to be saying yes to be important to you.
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Otherwise not important at all.
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But there s a fourth level and that s compatibility.
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You can have two people who are saying yes to each other, but are they actually compatible?
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Love is not all you need.
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Love isn t enough.
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You need compatibility, right?
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If you ve got two people who
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They re in level three, they have commitment, and they have mutual attraction, but one of them feels like it s okay to pathologically lie, and the other one really values honesty.
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This is going to be a miserable relationship for the person who values honesty.
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If you ve got one person whose idea of a good time is being out till 5 a.m.
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every night and sleeping through the morning, and another person who values the morning,
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or values time with their partner that s not in some loud environment surrounded by people all the time, then you re going to have two unhappy people in that case.
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Good thing we like to be in bed at 8pm together.
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So what do you think people do is they get to this point where maybe they have a few of these things and they disregard all the other stuff.
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Because of a scarcity mindset.
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we find something that, you know, where we feel an attraction and we cling onto it.
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And we re so afraid to let go of it because we re worried nothing s ever going to come along again if we do, that we settle for that thing.
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And not to mention, and I m happy to go into this, but there s all this nervous system wiring that we ve had since we were children, many of us, that has us responding to the complete wrong thing.
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that someone picks us up and puts us down, someone doesn t text us for five days and makes us feel anxious and then texts us on the sixth day and says, what are you up to?
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Oh my God, this feels so good.
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It s like a drug and it s a drug that we re used to.
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We re used to, you know, we, we, we feel anxious and we call it chemistry.
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We, you know, we have crazy sex with someone after a fight and we call it passion.
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You know, it s this feeling that so many people are addicted to that then they think that they measure the importance of someone in their life by the intensity of feeling they have when they re with them.
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And it s a complete non sequitur.
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There s no relationship between, just because you feel really intensely about something.
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Do you know what people feel really intensely about?
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Drugs.
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Right.
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That s an intense feeling.
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But none of us say I must take these drugs home to meet my family.
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These are really important.
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I feel like this is my life s destiny.
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Some of them do take their drugs to meet their family.
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And it s a fucking nightmare disaster.
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They ll take someone that they met on a one night stand home to their family and it ruins Thanksgiving.
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Doesn t work out well.
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Yes, and then we pay no attention to the fact that it has ruined Thanksgiving and that no one we care about seems to really value or get on with this person because something about it produces a familiar feeling for us.
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When something s familiar,
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Now we re getting into deeper stuff, but we keep gravitating towards these things that have been patterns our whole life.
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I have a whole chapter in the book called How to Rewire Your Brain, because the truth is, what s getting in the way for so many of us in our love lives is that
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We have wiring that keeps driving us to head-on collisions with the things we say we don t want.
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I was going to ask you how you, in a way, and maybe this is dumbing it down and I m sure your book is much more elegant than I m going to put this, but how do you get people to kind of like start using their rational mind and to start recognizing these patterns?
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You have to, such a good question, you have to start to deviate from your normal
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behavior, which takes bravery and it takes curiosity because you have to do something different than you would normally do.
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And by doing something different than you would normally do, you start to invite a different, a subtly different result.
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And when you get a subtly different result, it can be just the beginning of a new belief about what s possible.
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I ll give you an example.
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There was a woman I coached.
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She was by all accounts dating a guy who was a great guy so far, like had been doing everything right.
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And then one Saturday he got together with his friends and he didn t invite her.
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Like daytime thing, Saturday.
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And it, all her abandonment issues came up.
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She, it just activated her nervous system and she went into full fight or flight.
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And in the middle of him being with his friends, he, she texted him and said, why didn t you invite me?
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And he said, Oh my God, I m so sorry.
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You know, I haven t seen these friends in a while.
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I was just looking for a get together, but can I call you later?
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And now remember her nervous system is activated.
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She s not in the rational, her rational mind.
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And so she s now in her programming.
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And she, she, he said, can I call you later?
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She said, don t bother.
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Three days later, she s saying to me, this always happens to me.
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Now he s not texting me back.
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I knew this would happen.
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So now, what s the thing she wants, least in the entire world?
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She does not want to be abandoned.
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That s the thing she fears the most.
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What has she created in this situation?
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She s literally created the thing that she s most afraid of.
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There s an addiction to the chaos that you had when you were a kid.
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If abandonment was hers, she wants to warm the temperature right to abandonment so she can create it because there s an addict behind it.
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It s also just, it s familiar.
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And when something s familiar, it gets really hard to stop doing, even if it makes us unhappy, because anything that s unfamiliar just feels scary.
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It s outside of our comfort zone.
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So we have to start doing things.
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And by the way, when we do something that s unfamiliar, we have to be prepared for the fact that we are like a toddler who does not know what
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they re doing.
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Let s say instead, she said, right, how do I deviate from my programming here?
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If I could just do something different than I would normally do, what is it?
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Well, maybe I m going to express that I m going to speak to them that night and express that I was, I got hurt by the fact that I wasn t invited.
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So I still bring it up, but instead of saying, why didn t you invite me?
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Don t bother calling me.
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Instead, I get on the phone and I say, this may be silly.
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Maybe I don t have a right to feel this, but I actually felt a little hurt and sad that you didn t invite me today.
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I don t want him to invite me because I want him to see how boring life is without me.
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Which is a different pattern.
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Listen, we ll have you back on.
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It ll be about four hours.
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You can go out with your friends and you can see how that is without me and my personality and you go see how that is.
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We got a lot of pattern resolving to do the next time you come back.
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No, but so, okay.
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So in this instance, what did you do with this woman to help her through this?
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to help her understand that look this firstly it s not ultimate compassion for yourself is necessary in this situation and that s why I said to her is that you have to be really compassionate to yourself because what the next wave of what we feel when we do this is shame yeah like I m such an idiot I can t believe I blew it what s wrong with me why can t I be a normal person and have a normal reaction to stuff like that why did I have to get so hot-headed so hurt
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We then shame ourselves and that s the wrong thing to do because look, there was a time in her life where that abandonment was real.
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So there s a part of her that s not reacting to what s really going on here, it s reacting to a time in her life where her body adjusted in a way it had to adjust for her to survive.
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Whether it s physically, emotionally, psychologically,
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That requires ultimate compassion.
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When you get triggered by something, no one s choosing to get, you don t choose to get activated where you now feel like tense and anxious and you don t feel good anymore.
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No one like would choose to flick that switch and turn that on.
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It s involuntary.
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So, compassion.
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This comes from a time where your body got wired up in a certain way and you didn t choose that.
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So, now we re dealing with the wiring.
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Okay, so we re here.
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How do you get out of your wiring?
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Well first, recognize that this old wiring has not worked for you.
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in many situations as an adult.
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In fact, it keeps robbing you of the very thing that you want the most in the world.
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You want love, you want connection, you want intimacy, and this fear of abandonment is literally making you push people away.
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So this hasn t worked.
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Now, are there people that get different results than that?
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Are there people that don t
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push people away and that have an easier time connecting with people because they don t push people away.
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Yes, we know that to be true.
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So let s get really curious about what they might do in this situation.
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I can remember a time in my life where I would get jealous and I hated being jealous.
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It s like the worst feeling in the world.
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I don t want to be jealous.
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And I remember finding people who I knew who were in great couples and just being a dummy with them.
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just sitting with them and asking questions like a toddler who just doesn t know what he s doing.
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So how do you not get jealous?
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And then I d come up with scenarios.
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So if they did this and this, what would you do?
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And I d see where I went left,
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They went right.
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And I go, Oh my God, you have a completely different way of seeing this and approaching this.
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And it made me realize that this reality is one that I am creating over and over again.
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And that there are people whose relationships I love, respect and admire and want to model who have a completely different way of seeing this and a different way of reacting at that fork in the road moment.
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So she can start paying attention to what other people do in these situations.
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Ah, okay.
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If you re a bit hurt, express that you re a bit hurt, express that you feel a bit sad because you wanted to be there.
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And then what happens is you start to get a different result and a different result is good.
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Any different result is good.
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Because what it teaches you is a different result is possible.
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And that then shatters your belief that what you ve been getting so far is all that s available to you.
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That s when you start to realize your past does not have to equal your future in this area.
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That there are a thousand different ways to live this life and play this game and interact with people.
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And that the way you ve been doing it your whole life so far is only one of them.
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And this assumes a level of self-awareness that these individuals have reached that they themselves are maybe their greatest enemy in some cases.
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Yeah, that there s something we re doing to reproduce a result and that, you know, curiosity is a very powerful word.
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If you get curious about other experiences that other people are having or the way they re engaging with life and that you see that, that requires humility.
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There are other people having an experience that is different from the one I m having.
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Why are they having a different experience?
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How do they go about life differently?
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How can I take some of that?
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I may not be able to be all of them, but how do I take 5% of that, 10% of that and bring it into my life?
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When you do that, my God, it s like your whole world changes.
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Your whole world changes.
8
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Well, they can start by getting curious about your book, How to Raise Your Standards, Find Your Person, and Live Happily No Matter What, Love Life by Matthew Hussey.
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Where can everyone find you?
8
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Pimp yourself out.
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Where can we get your book?
8
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You re also the author of the New York Times bestselling book, Get the Guy.
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Yeah, from 10 years ago.
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Damn.
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10 years ago.
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Where can everyone find you?
8
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Your Instagram s amazing.
8
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Thank you.
8
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The new book is called Love Life.
8
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If you go to lovelifebook.com, not only can you get a book there from any bookseller you want, but we have this really fun thing on May the 4th.
8
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I m doing a big virtual live event.
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for people from all over the world.
8
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The only way to get access to this event is to grab a copy of the book.
8
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It s called Find Your Person.
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And it s going to be an amazing accompaniment to the book.
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I m going to be coaching people live.
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So that s happening on May the 4th.
8
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If you buy it from lovelifebook.com, I mean, you could buy it from anywhere, but if you come back to lovelifebook.com and put in your confirmation code, you ll be able to get a ticket to that event on May the 4th.
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But I ve been working on this for years.
8
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I m very, very proud of it.
8
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I know how hard it is
8
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I ve lived with people for 15 years struggling to find love.
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I was struggling to find love.
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I didn t write this book as a married person.
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I was a single person writing this book.
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And during the course of this book, I met my partner, got married, and then the final edit of this book I did on my honeymoon, which is crazy.
8
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There were parts of this
8
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This book I wrote deeply, deeply heartbroken and in a really tough place.
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You ll also get to know me on a much deeper level and the journey that I ve gone through, but it worked for me.
8
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It s worked for so many people that I ve helped.
8
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It s for anyone who wants to find love faster, do love better.
8
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also be happier on the way there so that they re not deferring their happiness to a time in the future where they have a partner because life is too short for that and also you never know when you re not going to have a partner anymore.
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So the link is lovelifebook.com.
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And Instagram?
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Instagram is at thematthewhussy.
8
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Love it.
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Thank you so much for coming on.
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Thank you for doing this.
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I m glad we got you in here.
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Thank you for having me guys.