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My name is Lee Hawkins.
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I ve been a journalist for over 25 years.
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On my new podcast, What Happened in Alabama, I get answers to some of the hardest questions about how things came to be for many Black Americans and the truth that must come before any reconciliation can happen.
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I investigate my family history, my upbringing in Minnesota, and my father s painful nightmares about growing up in Alabama.
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What Happened in Alabama is a new series confronting the cycles of trauma for myself, my family, and for many Black Americans.
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Listen now.
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Hello, listeners.
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Welcome back to Don t Ask Tig, season three.
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I have an amazing guest today and so many incredible guests lined up for episodes to come.
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I had a wonderful time taking a break, but I have to admit I m very, very excited to be back.
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I wanted to let you know I m going to be doing a show in Delaware on November 4th.
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I don t remember the town, but it s not a big state.
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Just Google around and what have you.
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Also, make sure to check out my other podcast, Tig and Cheryl True Story.
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And I m just happy to be back.
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And if you have any other questions about what I m up to, always go to tignotaro.com.
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Okay, so there you have it.
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Here we go.
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Can t wait to get started.
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So without any further ado, let s get into it.
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when you came to my show in Los Angeles and I saw you in the parking lot, I was like, what are you doing here?
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How did you find out about the show?
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And you said, the internet.
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I was like, all right.
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This is Don t Ask Tig, I m Tig Notaro, back for a whole new season of possibly high quality, definitely highly unqualified advice.
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My guest today is an actress, producer, and author.
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You know her as the voice of Princess Anna in Frozen and Frozen 2.
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Recently, she starred in Netflix s comedy, The Woman in the House Across the Street from The Girl in the Window.
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And she s also known for her leading roles in the hit TV shows, The Good Place and Veronica Mars.
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Kristen Bell, my best friend.
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Thank you for being here on Don t Ask Tig.
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But also, you re not my best friend.
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I don t want anyone to think that maybe we re best friends, but I really like you a lot.
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Wait, I want people to think we re best friends.
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Who cares if we actually are?
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Let s just say it.
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Let s put it out there.
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Maybe it ll happen.
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We don t know, you know?
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We don t know.
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We don t know what s coming in life.
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No.
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But seriously, who s your best friend?
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Well, I say my daughter, my oldest daughter is my best friend because we say that most often.
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But I have six girlfriends that ended up being my pandemic pod.
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I d call them all my best friends.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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I kind of am not really into the best friend label.
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I feel like it felt more like from childhood, whereas now it s just like I have a lot of really great friends.
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Yeah, and as I grew up, I felt the same thing.
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You know, I have a close-knit group of friends, which, yeah, if you think about the definition of BFF when you re little, it s more forward-facing, right?
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It s like, for your brand, when they are, you know, but now it s like, no, who are my close, like,
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Friends that feel like chosen family and who s the one that I can cry with who s the one that will go on a hike?
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Last-minute.
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Oh my gosh.
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What if I become the one that you just want to cry to I mean I Maybe we don t know.
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That s the thing.
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We don t know what s gonna happen.
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Mm-hmm and
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So, rumor has it that you went on an epic road trip this summer.
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Tell me what role did you take on this trip?
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Were you the navigator, the driver?
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Were you... Baggage.
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Mostly baggage.
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Mostly baggage.
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Wait, you were the actual baggage or you carried the baggage?
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Both.
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Both.
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I shoved myself into a suitcase and I carried myself.
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The rumors are true, which I rarely say that.
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I guess my family, the four of us, my husband and two daughters, finally started feeling that antsy itch post-COVID of not having gone anywhere in so long.
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So we said, let s plan an epic summer.
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So in like February, we decided we were gonna go to the F1 race in Austria in the beginning of July, Formula One.
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Are you familiar?
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I ve heard of it.
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Race cars.
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And the Austrian Red Bull Ring is like one of the most beautiful picturesque places you could possibly go.
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So we went to Austria for a week, went to the F1 race with our kids.
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Wow.
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Then we rented a car and we drove all around Italy.
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And then we came home for a week and then we got into our motorhome.
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Her name is Big Brown.
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You own a motorhome?
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Well, yes, we own a bus.
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Dax would be mad if I didn t say bus.
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We own like a tour bus and sometimes he tells people Aerosmith is over.
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She s brown, and she s in the driveway, so she s directly in front of my bay kitchen window.
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Oh, that s nice.
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It s quite the view.
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You never know what s gonna happen.
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That s the thing.
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That s the thing about life.
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You don t know you re gonna fall in love with Dax, who s gonna want an Aerosmith bus parked in front of your bay window.
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You don t know.
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If you had asked me when I was in high school what my life would be, I d be like, well, obviously I m gonna marry a Greenpeace worker and we ll do a lot of philanthropy.
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We ll travel around and help people.
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I had no idea that I would marry a hillbilly from Michigan, where I m from, and I m literally lucky he has all his teeth because he s everything that a good Michigan hillbilly should be, which is he s super into motorsports.
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There s six or seven motorcycles in the driveway.
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Our house always looks like a parking lot outside.
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But Big Brown is here to stay.
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It s actually really, really fun for us to be in the motorhome.
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For some reason, our family does very well in tight spaces.
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There s no option to fight.
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You got to get over your grudges quick.
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You got to get over being grumpy quick.
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You re face to face with someone.
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You re knocking on the bathroom door.
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So anyway, in August, after Italy, we jumped in Big Brown.
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We drove to Idaho and stayed on the Snake River for a week in Swan Valley.
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So beautiful.
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I love Idaho.
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So beautiful.
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So beautiful.
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And we were there with a bunch of friends.
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And then we drove up to South Dakota.
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Wow.
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Staying at places on the site called Hip Camp, which is basically Airbnb for motorhomes.
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Wow.
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And you stay on people s property because they have like a Jenny and a plug-in in their front yard and you just like park and you give them the 50 bucks or whatever.
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And are they like, oh my gosh, Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard?
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Once we get there, there s usually a little bit of like pretty major confusion, but they ve all been lovely and... Uh-huh.
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They re excited, but they also don t care too much, which is great.
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Yeah.
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Then we went to Mount Rushmore and then we drove to North Dakota and stayed right by the lake, bathed in the lake every day.
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The kids caught frogs.
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And then we came home.
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And how long was that road trip?
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Almost three weeks.
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See, I want to get something like that.
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Probably not a tour bus, but it s kind of Stephanie s worst nightmare.
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But I think she might come around to it.
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It s more fun than you think.
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And you asked me what my job was.
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Oh, right.
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I forgot.
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I have driven it like 10 feet before.
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It s not comfortable.
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It s 45 feet.
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And usually we re towing something like a trailer bed with like a razor and some motorbikes and the girls bikes, their motorcycles, but I do snacks.
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I m really good at snacks.
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Well, that answers my question.
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If you need someone to do snacks, you got your girl.
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Because everyone in my family rides motorcycles and I m not qualified.
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I m like barely qualified to use the oven.
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That s like my max machinery.
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So both of your daughters ride?
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Yeah.
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Okay.
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See, I can drive motorcycles, boats.
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I can drive trucks with trailers.
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I can back up a trailer.
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I just haven t driven a tour bus, but I feel like I could do it.
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I can kind of drive anything.
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I didn t know this about you.
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Well, how does Stephanie feel about snacks?
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Because you need one of each.
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Yeah, she s good at that.
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In fact, we ve had a conversation recently about throuples.
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Wait, like in the zeitgeist or like at your home?
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Well, it s come up in our home.
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Like, have you heard about throuples?
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Or did you know they were in a throuple?
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And, you know, that kind of thing.
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And Stephanie said, what are your thoughts on that?
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And I said, it seems overwhelming.
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Like, I wouldn t know where to sit.
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Like, are there enough seats?
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And Stephanie said, well, I would only be open to it because I feel like what we re missing in our relationship is someone that can put together a gift basket.
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And so that s possibly, I guess,
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Maybe, you never know what s gonna happen in life.
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I don t know that it s for me, okay?
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But Stephanie s looking for someone to put a gift basket together.
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Just keep an open mind.
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You just never know.
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You just never know.
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You never know.
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Now, Kristen, you re a multitasker.
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Let s be honest.
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You re a working producer and actor.
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You ve written a children s book, support multiple nonprofits and even founded a line of all natural baby products.
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How do you decide what you re going to do next?
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To be honest, I don t ever know.
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My capabilities with planning and high-level management run in a 24-hour cycle.
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So beyond that, I can t really plan much.
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I ve taken everything in my life based on gut reactions.
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Like, what is this adding value-wise to my spirit right now, to my narrative self, to my experiential self?
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Like, I take those all into consideration, and the older I get, it s way more about my experiential self, to be honest.
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Like, how much time is this gonna allow for me to spend with my kids?
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be with my family, do the things that I want to do.
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Because I did hustle.
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I was a freaking hustler when I was in my early 20s, when I was looking 14.
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I was like trying to do every piece of work out there.
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And I was, you know, working 16, 17 hour days nonstop.
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And then I just kind of hit a point where I want to be home a lot more.
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And some of the business things like starting Hello Bello, not only aligned with what my values were and what Dax and I were thinking at the time, which is the short version is, we d had a baby.
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It wasn t lost on us that we went to all these little boutiques and bought these great baby products.
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And that just wasn t a possibility for my sisters in Michigan or people who I knew were on a budget.
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And we leveraged our celebrity with getting an economy of scale started in a company that could manufacture here in the US and give very high quality premium baby products
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diapers, lotions, potions, vitamins, etc.
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to people without having to choose between their baby or their budget.
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And ultimately, I guess it s kind of like, what kind of story do I want to tell?
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Because with the company, you re still telling a story, you know?
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And then the last couple jobs that I ve taken, I ve been really lucky that they ve run a long time.
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Like House of Lies ran for five years.
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Good Place ran for five years.
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So I m really, if we re being honest, I m only making one decision every five years about what to do.
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And it s a gut instinct.
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OK.
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All right.
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Well, you know what?
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I m thinking I ve come around on a five year decision making for you because you and I have a top secret project under wraps that we re working on that hopefully can keep you home with your family more and myself as well.
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I have a feeling it will.
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It s the toppest, secretest project.
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And I have a feeling that when it shows up, it will.
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Well, we know it ll run for a hundred years.
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Exactly.
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You just gave away that it might be something you can view, but we don t need to talk about that.
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Okay.
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And lastly, what is it like for you being married to somebody with such a massively successful podcast?
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It makes me so proud, but not proud of him, proud for him, if that makes sense.
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Because he s always had this like wise insight into life and human relations that he shares with our family all the time.
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But prior to him having a podcast, no one kind of knew that part of him.
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And
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watching his audience grow and how he relates to people and how he wants to sort of reduce shame around every corner and let people know mistakes are okay.
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I don t know.
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It s really sexy.
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But I will say,
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In the beginning, I did not anticipate that his podcast would be so big.
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When he first came to me, he probably hadn t worked as an actor in like a year and was like, I want to start a podcast.
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And I was like, oh, that s so cute.
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You should do a podcast.
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Everyone s doing a podcast.
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And then cut to six months later, they had so many people listening and had this huge army of people.
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They call themselves armcherries.
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And it s just thrilling.
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He was born to chat.
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He was born to talk.
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And sometimes we differ on that.
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When I come home at night, I m like, I don t want to talk.
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I just want to go to bed or I just want to be silent.
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And so this actually is perfect also for our marriage because he gets to talk all day and have this huge career in talking.
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And I get a little relief at night because he s kind of talked out.
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Right.
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I like being married to him very much.
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Well, I would hope so.
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And I was only asking because, you know, Stephanie doesn t know what it s like to be married to a massively successful podcast host.
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Now, do people frequently come to you for advice?
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A fair amount.
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I d say a fair amount.
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I think that I offer a lot of unsolicited advice.
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Dax is always reminding me not to do that because a lot of people don t like unsolicited advice.
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I am a person who does because my mind frame is like, I want to know how you did it and you did it and you did it and you did it.
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And like, I get to choose which one I take.
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But some people are more sensitive to it.
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So I ve tried to give less advice over the years, but I will say I am a soft landing pad for my close friendships in the advice department.
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That s good to know, as you and I are getting much closer.
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Kristen, it s time for listener questions.
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Okay.
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This first question concerns a problem you unintentionally helped to create, you personally.
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What?
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Well, listen, Holly writes, I work at a preschool as a teacher s assistant.
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The main teacher I help out is usually pretty easy to work with and nice.
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But there s one thing she does that drives me nuts.
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She plays the same Disney princess songs, mostly from Frozen 1 and Frozen 2 every single day.
0
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I really don t want to make things awkward with her by asking her to change up the music, but man, it s been driving me crazy, not to mention ruined my love for the movies.
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Any advice?
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Let s go directly to Kristen Bell.
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Uh, wait.
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Ruined her love for the movies in general?
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Like, the experience of moviegoing?
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No, for the movies you re in, Kristen.
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All my films.
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These two movies.
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It s ruined my love for the movies.
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It s Frozen 1 and Frozen 2.
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You did this to her.
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Okay, what I d first like to say... Mm-hmm.
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is I m sorry.
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And that s pretty much all I can come up with is I really am sorry.
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I was one of, I think, the only households that didn t
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have it on a loop requested by their kids, because though you might think my children would be excited to have me in it, they don t want to talk about it.
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Nothing I do is cool.
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Anytime I try to give them a behind the scenes, like, actually, you know, Jonathan and I were doing this scene, they re like, mama.
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Now, psychologically, I respect that as they re trying to assimilate with a larger tribe, they ve got to reject their parents, but I m sorry, Holly.
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By the way, our family went through it too, driving to school.
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Our sons, it s particularly one of them, wanted to hear, and I can t even remember the song.
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Let It Go, of course.
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Let It Go.
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Well, not my song, Holly, so you know what?
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I m only partially sorry.
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Idina owes you an apology.
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I ll tell you how we ve gotten out of kids  music, which is the only thing I can relate to.
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When the girls were born,
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Dax is generally allergic to children s music, kind of including Disney ones.
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And he s allergic to musical theater.
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So again, I don t know why I married him.
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But he said, I really want to not play children s music ever.
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I was like, great.
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So we ve been playing almost exclusively yacht rock.
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Aerosmith?
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Oh, Yacht Rock.
1
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Okay.
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And they are, like, huge Mike McDonald fans, huge Hall & Oates fans.
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Their taste is kind of awesome.
1
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So I don t know how to get out of this, Holly, other than saying,
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hey, could we play a different genre of music today to expose the kids?
1
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Yeah.
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And what you could also say, Holly, is Kristen Bell herself suggested we turn this off and listen to some- Yacht Rock.
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Michael McDonald.
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Bingo.
1
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Yeah.
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You cannot go wrong with Yacht Rock.
1
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I saw Michael McDonald live in the middle of a park in Ohio and incredible concert, okay?
1
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Why would you not share that with these children?
1
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Also, you could, if you re a teacher, Holly, be slightly more calculated.
1
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and say you want to insert a little music education.
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Because when my girls are home from school sick, I said, well, your ears aren t sick.
1
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So when they re home from school, we do like an introspective on a different artist.
1
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So we ve done Billy Joel.
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We ve done Alanis Morissette.
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We ve done Lionel Richie.
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And I basically make them listen to like their top three albums.
1
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And then I quiz them on the song names.
1
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And now what are the ages of your daughters?
1
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Seven and nine.
1
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Okay.
1
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All right.
1
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And when did you start doing the, um, well, your ears aren t sick.
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I like two years ago.
1
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Okay.
1
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Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
All right.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, Holly.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
It comes directly to you from princess Ana herself.
1
SPEAKER_02
Turn it off.
1
SPEAKER_03
Turn it off.
1
SPEAKER_02
Holly.
1
SPEAKER_03
Don t even ask her.
1
SPEAKER_03
Just flick it off.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, yeah, that I get the feeling Holly wouldn t just flick it off.
1
SPEAKER_02
She s nicer than that.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, she s way nice.
1
SPEAKER_02
All right, Kristen, we re going to take a quick break, but don t go anywhere.
1
SPEAKER_02
We ll be right back with more questions.
1
SPEAKER_04
a six billion dollar con.
1
SPEAKER_04
It didn t take long for it to spread like wildfire.
1
SPEAKER_04
You gotta take a look at this really crazy gold stock.
1
SPEAKER_04
A buddy of mine got in at a dime.
1
SPEAKER_04
Which destroyed lives and devastated communities.
1
SPEAKER_01
Every little town across the nation, people have shares in this.
1
SPEAKER_04
We lost everything.
1
SPEAKER_04
And to date, no one has been brought to justice.
1
SPEAKER_01
Somebody knows more than we know.
1
SPEAKER_04
The $6 billion gold scam from the BBC World Service and CBC.
1
SPEAKER_04
Search for the $6 billion gold scam wherever you get your podcasts.
1
SPEAKER_02
And we re back.
1
SPEAKER_02
Kristen, this next one was sent in by a concerned dog mom.
1
SPEAKER_02
Hi Tig, my dog Jolene goes to a doggy daycare.
1
SPEAKER_02
Throughout the day, the daycare shares photos and videos on Instagram of the pups playing.
1
SPEAKER_02
They never post Jolene.
1
SPEAKER_02
Is there a socially acceptable way I can ask for my girl to get some social media coverage?
1
SPEAKER_02
Do I need to find a new daycare?
1
SPEAKER_02
Thanks so much.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, Kristen, this is perfect.
1
SPEAKER_02
You ve grabbed your adorable pup.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
That is a very, very cute pup to hold through this question.
1
SPEAKER_03
Look how many legs though, Tig.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, I feel like one is missing.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, one s missing.
1
SPEAKER_02
This is a three-legged pup.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, man, are you lucky.
1
SPEAKER_02
The dog s so cute.
1
SPEAKER_02
And then, and not that I want an animal to be missing a limb.
1
SPEAKER_03
But it makes him cuter.
1
SPEAKER_03
You can say it.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, it s like when babies have glasses on.
1
SPEAKER_02
Exactly.
1
SPEAKER_02
You know, you want them to see, but oh my gosh, look how cute.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s objectively cuter, so I don t think either of us need to feel guilty.
1
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_03
Plus, he doesn t even know he lost his leg.
1
SPEAKER_03
Well, he doesn t know anything.
1
SPEAKER_03
That s true.
1
SPEAKER_03
Well, you never know.
1
SPEAKER_03
I don t know how much he knows.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
I have a feeling it s not much.
1
SPEAKER_02
But I feel like I would just be very direct and say, man, I love having my dog at your daycare and I love seeing all the photos.
1
SPEAKER_02
How s about a little Jolene?
1
SPEAKER_02
You know, I don t think it s a crazy request.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s not offensive.
1
SPEAKER_03
Not at all.
1
SPEAKER_02
You just want to see your dog.
1
SPEAKER_03
I want to go a little bit further, though.
1
SPEAKER_03
Wait, so she wants to see her dog posted so that she can see what they re doing during the day?
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, and probably just like everybody else s dog is showing up in the photos.
1
SPEAKER_02
Just throw up a photo of Jolene.
1
SPEAKER_03
I think what threw me off is the phrasing of how do I get my dog more social media coverage, which made me want to ask the question,
1
SPEAKER_03
what is that gonna lead to?
1
SPEAKER_03
Why do you think your dog needs more social media coverage?
1
SPEAKER_03
But if it is just about seeing your dog, then yeah, you can just say, oh, I haven t seen Jolene in a picture in a while.
1
SPEAKER_03
Can you take some tomorrow?
1
SPEAKER_03
Always make it active.
1
SPEAKER_03
Make your requests active.
1
SPEAKER_02
Can you take some tomorrow?
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, there you go.
1
SPEAKER_02
The business woman says, make it active.
1
SPEAKER_02
Shelby, thanks for writing in.
1
SPEAKER_02
Feel free to send us a picture of Jolene anytime.
1
SPEAKER_02
We ll post it, I guess.
1
SPEAKER_02
I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_02
We ll see.
1
SPEAKER_03
What if we get a picture of Jolene and she s, like, really not photogenic and that was why they weren t posting any pictures?
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
And then we just don t post the picture of Jolene.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, Shelby.
1
SPEAKER_03
And then that makes this whole problem worse for Shelby.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, and then Shelby s writing another show asking to get advice about how to approach us.
1
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_02
Shelby, really, send us a picture of Jolene.
1
SPEAKER_03
There are no ugly dogs, Shelby, so you ll be fine.
1
SPEAKER_02
Same with babies.
1
SPEAKER_02
I mean, ugly babies and ugly animals, there s nothing cuter.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s true.
1
SPEAKER_02
Kristen, our next question was sent in by a different Kristen, if you can believe that.
1
SPEAKER_02
Or maybe it was you.
1
SPEAKER_02
We never know.
1
SPEAKER_02
We don t know.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, we re about to find out.
1
SPEAKER_02
We re about to find out.
1
SPEAKER_02
Kristen writes, my next door neighbor is hosting her 60th birthday party in a few weeks, and she called to invite me, not simply as a guest, but as a judge for the backyard singing competition portion of her party.
1
SPEAKER_02
She has never invited me over before, and we do not know each other well, which is why she thinks I will make a good neutral judge.
1
SPEAKER_02
My inclination is to decline, but she is literally just on the other side of a white picket fence, so she will easily see if I choose to stay home.
1
SPEAKER_02
Do I make up an excuse and send her flowers instead?
1
SPEAKER_02
Do I ignore my instincts and agree to judge this singing competition?
1
SPEAKER_02
This is such an awkward invitation that causes me great anxiety.
1
SPEAKER_02
You seem like a good neighbor and one who loves awkward party moments.
1
SPEAKER_02
Help. 
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, you re right.
1
SPEAKER_02
I do love awkward party moments.
1
SPEAKER_02
I just love awkward moments in general in life.
1
SPEAKER_02
It makes me feel alive.
1
SPEAKER_02
But here s the thing, Kristen, even if this is Kristen Bell,
1
SPEAKER_02
I feel like people don t seem to understand this.
1
SPEAKER_02
And I ll get your take in a second, Kristen, but you don t have to tell someone why you re not available.
1
SPEAKER_02
You know, even if she sees that you re home, you can just say, oh, I m sorry, that doesn t work for me that day.
1
SPEAKER_02
Take no is a complete sentence, right?
1
SPEAKER_02
That is right, businesswoman.
1
SPEAKER_02
No is a complete sentence.
1
SPEAKER_02
Unless this person is out of her mind, this person is not going to follow up and say, but why?
1
SPEAKER_02
Why can t you?
1
SPEAKER_02
What are you doing?
1
SPEAKER_02
You just say, I m not available.
1
SPEAKER_02
Have a great party.
1
SPEAKER_02
It sounds fun.
1
SPEAKER_03
Even if she does follow up, the people that follow up
1
SPEAKER_03
It s like when you send like a thank you card and you say follow up and say, did you get my thank you card?
1
SPEAKER_03
It s like, did you send it so that I could talk to you about it?
1
SPEAKER_03
Or did you send it to say thank you?
1
SPEAKER_03
Like those are the people that actually need to hear.
1
SPEAKER_03
There is no follow up needed here.
1
SPEAKER_03
There s a tiny little social slap on the wrist.
1
SPEAKER_03
I don t mind that.
1
SPEAKER_02
And people s time, it s precious.
1
SPEAKER_02
Like if you want to have the day off, you don t want to go judge a birthday party.
1
SPEAKER_02
Who cares what you re doing with your time if you want to sit and stare at the wall?
1
SPEAKER_02
Do that, Kristen.
1
SPEAKER_03
Your anxiety, Kristen, me, is coming probably from the perceived label that you will receive about not being a, quote, good person or good neighbor because you are not willing to participate in this event.
1
SPEAKER_03
But that label is nonsense.
1
SPEAKER_03
It doesn t matter what other people think about you.
1
SPEAKER_03
It only matters what you think about yourself.
1
SPEAKER_03
And the only person you need to be better than is the person you were yesterday.
1
SPEAKER_03
And time is expensive.
1
SPEAKER_03
Are you writing this down, Tay?
1
SPEAKER_03
I m throwing out so many nuggets right now.
1
SPEAKER_02
I never listen to you.
1
SPEAKER_02
And so I know they re recording this episode.
1
SPEAKER_02
So someone will hear.
1
SPEAKER_03
Are you just looking at the lines of us talking and seeing when mine stops?
1
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_02
That s exactly it.
1
SPEAKER_03
Now, yes, time is the most expensive thing on the planet.
1
SPEAKER_03
You don t need to justify anything.
1
SPEAKER_03
That said...
1
SPEAKER_03
If I received an invitation to judge a singing competition full of 60-year-olds, you bet your butt I would be there.
1
SPEAKER_02
I hear you.
1
SPEAKER_02
That sounds so fun.
1
SPEAKER_02
So fun.
1
SPEAKER_02
First of all, I think judging a 60-year-old birthday party singing competition sounds fun.
1
SPEAKER_02
If it s your next-door neighbor that you now have to interact with and it s going to bring you awkwardly closer
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, that s true.
1
SPEAKER_02
You know what I m saying?
1
SPEAKER_02
I say, do what Kristen says.
1
SPEAKER_02
If it sounds fun, go judge everyone.
1
SPEAKER_02
If you enjoy being judgmental, or if you just want the day off, say, I m not free, I m sorry, but thanks for thinking of me.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, and you- Don t even say that.
1
SPEAKER_02
Say, I m not available today, but have a blast.
1
SPEAKER_02
Because when you say, thanks for thinking of me, it sounds like, oh, I ll invite her to the next party.
1
SPEAKER_03
And you have to remember, you don t owe anything to anybody.
1
SPEAKER_03
Unless you have a dependent, you re really allowed to say no to anything.
1
SPEAKER_03
And even if you might in your head think, oh, I see why Tig and Kristen say that could be fun, but my body tells me I don t want to be in an environment where I m in a neighbor s backyard and I don t know many people and I have a requirement to judge.
1
SPEAKER_03
If that just doesn t feel good in your body, you are absolutely allowed to just say, oh, that sounds so fun.
1
SPEAKER_03
I m not going to be able to make it, but have a blast.
1
SPEAKER_02
All right.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, Kristen, that s what Kristen thinks.
1
SPEAKER_02
Thanks, Kristen.
1
SPEAKER_02
And thanks, Kristen.
1
SPEAKER_02
Kristen, this is our last listener question.
1
SPEAKER_02
Emma writes,
1
SPEAKER_02
Dear Tig, my husband and I are in a tricky situation with our brother-in-law, who we are very close with.
1
SPEAKER_02
He is a professional videographer and offered to edit our wedding video as a wedding gift, which we are so thankful for.
1
SPEAKER_02
The thing is, the wedding was four years ago and we have yet to see any video.
1
SPEAKER_02
We have brought it up a few times over the past year with no results.
1
SPEAKER_02
Should we offer to pay him at this point even though we can t afford what he would normally charge?
1
SPEAKER_02
Or do we just give up and ask for the raw footage so we can finally watch some of it?
1
SPEAKER_03
I mean, why hasn t he done it in four years?
1
SPEAKER_02
That s my hang-up here.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, people procrastinate.
1
SPEAKER_02
Not everyone s a Kristen Bell.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, ask for the footage or offer to pay him, because this guy is offering to do it for free, and he hasn t done it.
1
SPEAKER_02
So if you say, I m willing to pay for it, is there a deal you can cut me?
1
SPEAKER_02
I just need the footage.
1
SPEAKER_03
If you can t afford what he s normally charging, then it sounds like he makes a fine living and that he s just not prioritizing it, which that s totally okay.
1
SPEAKER_03
If someone s not prioritizing you, though, then you are allowed to take your business, be it emotional or an actual business, elsewhere.
1
SPEAKER_03
I would ask a point-blank question, to be honest, before offering to pay him.
1
SPEAKER_03
Because if he offered to do it, then the sentiment of like, I want this to be a gift is there.
1
SPEAKER_03
Rather than removing that, for the benefit of both parties, because it might seem like, well, now they want to pay me.
1
SPEAKER_03
I was trying to give him a gift.
1
SPEAKER_03
You could just say, do you really think you re ever going to get around to it?
1
SPEAKER_03
Because if you re busy, that s totally fine.
1
SPEAKER_03
If you don t think you ll get around to it, I d love to have the raw footage back to see what we can put together.
1
SPEAKER_02
And let s make it active.
1
SPEAKER_02
I d like to get the raw footage back this week, please.
1
SPEAKER_02
I d like to get the raw footage back this week because I m so excited to see it.
1
SPEAKER_03
You just want your footage back and you d like it back this week.
1
SPEAKER_03
Here s the thing we re not thinking about.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s a brother-in-law, which means it s like close, intimate family is always a little bit trickier.
1
SPEAKER_03
So I like the fact that she used the word tricky because that s true.
1
SPEAKER_03
I think you could start out by acknowledging that s going to be tricky.
1
SPEAKER_03
Hey, this is going to be a really awkward question.
1
SPEAKER_03
Danny or whatever his name is.
1
SPEAKER_02
But I wouldn t put too much in there.
1
SPEAKER_02
I mean, that s all, like, it s all in the delivery.
1
SPEAKER_02
You know, like, being like, oh, this is awkward.
1
SPEAKER_02
I feel like you re setting it up when it maybe wouldn t be.
1
SPEAKER_02
Look, if you want to present it as awkward, great.
1
SPEAKER_02
But my instinct is that you don t say, this is really hard.
1
SPEAKER_02
You know, you re coming in with a heaviness.
1
SPEAKER_03
I mean, I guess you re right, because I m like labeling the conversation before the tone has even happened.
1
SPEAKER_03
I mean, and this is why, you know, this is why we re always up for the same role and why you always get it, because my instincts are bad.
1
SPEAKER_02
Now, let me interpret, Kristen is making a joke because we ve never been up for the same role and she actually gets all the roles, but go ahead, Kristen.
1
SPEAKER_02
Go ahead, as I sit in my home office that Stephanie says looks like the kind of office you would go to if you got rear-ended in Omaha.
1
SPEAKER_02
This is the attorney s office you would go to.
1
SPEAKER_02
That s what she says my home office looks like.
1
SPEAKER_02
But go ahead, Kristen.
1
SPEAKER_03
Well, if it means anything to you, take, I m in my child s bed right now because I don t have an office.
1
SPEAKER_03
I bop around the house.
1
SPEAKER_03
You re right.
1
SPEAKER_03
I tend to create this emotional pathway between me and the other person so that there s ultimate clarity that I m not trying to alpha anyone, but that s just like my default.
1
SPEAKER_03
So you re actually correct in saying it doesn t need to be awkward.
1
SPEAKER_03
You re right about everything.
1
SPEAKER_03
I do think, though, there needs to be a little bit of clarity in that I m not just asking again like I have once a year for the last four years.
1
SPEAKER_03
This will be a request that will require a conclusion so that we can put this issue to bed.
1
SPEAKER_03
So, hey,
1
SPEAKER_03
I just want to hear you loud and clear.
1
SPEAKER_03
Do you think you re going to have time to do that?
1
SPEAKER_03
Or could we pay you for your time?
1
SPEAKER_03
And if you re busy, I d love the raw footage back this week.
1
SPEAKER_03
We re really excited to see it.
1
SPEAKER_02
Also would love to see it before we get divorced.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, exactly.
1
SPEAKER_03
Put a time frame on it.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
5 p.m.
1
SPEAKER_03
Friday.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, Emma, happy anniversary of not having a wedding video.
1
SPEAKER_02
Kristen, there s one more thing we have to do, okay, before you go.
1
SPEAKER_02
In this segment, we take a real question from an advice column of the past and try to answer it a little better.
1
SPEAKER_02
This is Advice of Yesteryear.
1
SPEAKER_01
When Jerry brags about taking Jenny out,
1
SPEAKER_01
He learns that she dates all the boys.
1
SPEAKER_00
So as we see now, menstruation is just one routine step in a normal and natural cycle.
1
SPEAKER_01
How do you choose a date?
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, one thing you can consider is look.
1
SPEAKER_04
I did everything you said, but my boss still hasn t asked me to lunch.
1
SPEAKER_02
This question was sent in 1924 to Dorothy Dix s letterbox.
1
SPEAKER_02
Bill writes, Dear Miss Dorothy Dix, My wife is so jealous of me that she doesn t want me even to look after my business nor talk to other men.
1
SPEAKER_02
I have lost all of my friends trying to please her.
1
SPEAKER_02
She quarrels with me from the time I come home until I go out.
1
SPEAKER_02
Please tell me what to do.
1
SPEAKER_02
Kristen, do you have any advice for Bill before I tell you what Dorothy Dix had to say?
1
SPEAKER_02
I need so many more details.
1
SPEAKER_03
And not just for the entertainment value, but like... This person s a skeleton.
1
SPEAKER_02
This is from 1924.
1
SPEAKER_03
I need to know if Bill has any narcissistic qualities and is making any of this up.
1
SPEAKER_03
But if, let s just say, Bill is telling the truth,
1
SPEAKER_03
that doesn t sound like a very happy, healthy marriage.
1
SPEAKER_03
And you got to do the thing that none of the churches want to see you do in 24 and sign some divorce papers.
1
SPEAKER_02
Mm hmm.
1
SPEAKER_03
I think people deserve to be happy.
1
SPEAKER_03
So that s why I d say get divorced.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, and what makes you think he s making it up and that he s a narcissist?
1
SPEAKER_02
I think that s interesting that you went there, because I just naively was like, I m sorry to hear this, Bill.
1
SPEAKER_03
Well, anyone who thinks the world is happening to them triggers me a little bit.
1
SPEAKER_03
Because I m like, guess what?
1
SPEAKER_03
It s not.
1
SPEAKER_03
You have a ton of options.
1
SPEAKER_03
You can become clearer with your boundaries.
1
SPEAKER_03
If you re asking for someone to tell you to get divorced, you ve already had that thought.
1
SPEAKER_03
You don t need to wait for a columnist to give you this free pass to say, well, she told me I should get divorced, so it s okay.
1
SPEAKER_03
You gotta know in your heart, are you happy?
1
SPEAKER_03
If you re not,
1
SPEAKER_03
Get divorced.
1
SPEAKER_03
And it just sounds, he sounds a tiny bit dramatic.
1
SPEAKER_03
I mean, who s he married to?
1
SPEAKER_03
Like, Satan?
1
SPEAKER_03
She sounds like she s got zero good qualities, which that s, people aren t black and white like that.
1
SPEAKER_02
But she s gorgeous.
1
SPEAKER_03
Okay, well, there s a start.
1
SPEAKER_02
I don t know what this bag of bones looks like either.
1
SPEAKER_02
I hear what you re saying.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s funny because Thomas, our producer, you know, he and I were at brunch this morning and we were talking about people do go through life just
2
SPEAKER_03
just saying, oh my gosh, these people did this to me, and this is the worst, and they just complain, and there s nothing good, and this happened to me.
2
SPEAKER_03
I mean, I know life can get hard.
2
SPEAKER_03
And there are really rough times, but there are some people that I know should not be complaining.
2
SPEAKER_03
the way that they are.
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, and it s like, you can complain, but you have to look at it a little bit from this perspective of Adlerian psychology, which is like, people aren t necessarily driven by, he believes, past traumatizations or past experiences, but rather are proceeding based on a goal that they themselves choose.
2
SPEAKER_01
So if you want to be in a crappy marriage and you want to...
2
SPEAKER_01
feel like a victim all the time, then that s the path you re gonna choose.
2
SPEAKER_01
People aren t as black and white as this question sounds to me, in my experience.
2
SPEAKER_01
So, I wanna say to him, Bill, whatever his name is.
2
SPEAKER_01
BILL, listen up.
2
SPEAKER_01
Bill, what is your relationship with your wife like outside of work and household duties?
2
SPEAKER_01
Do you go on any dates?
2
SPEAKER_01
What was it like in the beginning?
2
SPEAKER_01
Because to me, if she s bugging you this much, she sounds unfulfilled.
2
SPEAKER_01
you do have to have 50% of this marriage on your shoulders.
2
SPEAKER_01
So, sometimes if someone s really grumpy, I find that it oftentimes can be reconciled by the other person with an olive branch.
2
SPEAKER_01
So, maybe if Bill took her out to dinner, she wouldn t be such a nag.
2
SPEAKER_01
You know what I m saying?
2
SPEAKER_03
I do.
2
SPEAKER_03
I do.
2
SPEAKER_03
But it is really making me laugh as I m reading what Dorothy Dix had to say in 1924.
2
SPEAKER_03
Tell me.
2
SPEAKER_03
The answer is, that kind of jealousy is insanity.
2
SPEAKER_03
Bill, call in an alienist and have her examined.
2
SPEAKER_03
The idea that she is about to be committed to an asylum will scare her dumb.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m sorry, Dorothy, what?
2
SPEAKER_03
That kind of jealousy is insanity.
2
SPEAKER_03
Bill, call in an alienist and have her examined.
2
SPEAKER_03
The idea that she is about to be committed to an asylum will scare her dumb.
2
SPEAKER_01
Now, again, Dorothy is thinking that Bill s telling the truth, and I just don t think that s how humans operate.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like, Bill s got some shady secrets that he s not talking about.
2
SPEAKER_01
Bill has not done a fierce moral inventory in a hundred years.
2
SPEAKER_03
Okay, I hear you.
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SPEAKER_03
But what about Dorothy?
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SPEAKER_01
First of all, we re agreeing that Dorothy is actually a female, because this sounds... Oh, you re right.
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SPEAKER_01
She doesn t sound like a female to me.
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SPEAKER_03
Kristen, see, I m just like, you think you re naive?
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SPEAKER_03
I m sitting here going, poor Bill and Dorothy Dix.
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SPEAKER_03
I was, you know, picturing like a Dolly wig.
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SPEAKER_01
No way.
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SPEAKER_01
Dorothy Dix is someone sitting in like a madman office, chain smoking, drinking whiskey, just, you know, sending writing checks to the patriarchy, figuring out.
2
SPEAKER_01
You are right.
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SPEAKER_01
Yes.
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SPEAKER_01
Yes, also because those columns used to be real money makers for the newspapers because all the housewives would read them and they d buy all the papers.
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SPEAKER_01
For sure, Dorothy s not a woman.
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SPEAKER_01
And that was terrible advice.
2
SPEAKER_03
Well, now you just ruined our advice of yesteryear.
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SPEAKER_03
Because now everyone will just be like, oh, it s just a grumpy old man drinking whiskey.
2
SPEAKER_03
But sometimes isn t that the answer, though?
2
SPEAKER_03
More often than not.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, I guess you re right.
2
SPEAKER_03
Kristen Bell, thank you so much for doing my podcast that I think will one day be neck and neck with Dax s.
2
SPEAKER_03
But it means so much to me that you took time, even though you said your schedule s kind of free for two weeks, but that you took time to judge my 60-year-old singing contest of a podcast.
2
SPEAKER_01
This has been a dream come true for me, to allow the listeners to hear us fall into this deep, deep, deep best friendship.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I hope that when our top, the toppest, secretest project sees the light of day, they ll know that, you know, we ll be there forever for each other.
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SPEAKER_03
Crying in each other s arms.
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SPEAKER_03
Always.
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SPEAKER_03
Always, Kristen.
2
SPEAKER_03
This was so much fun, and you re such a gosh-darn delight.
2
SPEAKER_03
And I was wondering if you would like to share anything or promote anything on Don t Ask Tig?
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, I will say this.
2
SPEAKER_01
I have a movie that I m excited about that comes out in November on Amazon called The People We Hate at the Wedding.
2
SPEAKER_01
And it s based on a book.
2
SPEAKER_01
And the reason I thought of it just now is because there s a Thrupple situation in it.
2
SPEAKER_01
And it s pretty funny because one member is so anti-Thrupple, played by Ben Platt, the beautiful, crazy, talented actor, musician, Ben Platt, and Karan Soni, who plays his boyfriend.
2
SPEAKER_01
And there s an incredibly funny
2
SPEAKER_01
situation they get into.
2
SPEAKER_01
But it s basically Ben Platt, Allison Janney, and I going to a wedding in London, complaining a lot, only to discover we are the people they hate at the wedding.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s great.
2
SPEAKER_03
Allison is the best.
2
SPEAKER_03
As are you.
2
SPEAKER_03
Thank you again.
2
SPEAKER_03
And I will probably see you in a few days or something.
2
SPEAKER_03
I certainly hope so.
2
SPEAKER_03
You re my best friend.
2
SPEAKER_03
And I you.
2
SPEAKER_03
Bye bye.
2
SPEAKER_02
There s so much I want you to see.
2
SPEAKER_02
I wish that I could give you the answers.
2
SPEAKER_02
I wish that I could make you believe.
2
SPEAKER_02
I wish that I could put you on your path and set you free.
2
SPEAKER_02
That s what your heart says.
2
SPEAKER_03
Don t Ask Tig is hosted by me, Tig Notaro.
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SPEAKER_03
It s produced by Thomas Ouellette, Shana Deloria, and Lauren Humpert.
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SPEAKER_03
Our executive producer and editor is Beth Perlman.
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SPEAKER_03
Engineering and sound mixing by Alex Simpson.
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SPEAKER_03
Digital production by James Napoli.
2
SPEAKER_03
Talent booking by Marianne Ways.
2
SPEAKER_03
Our theme music is Friend in Tig by Edie Burkell and Kyle Krushem.
2
SPEAKER_03
And Listen to Your Heart by Edie Burkell.
2
SPEAKER_03
Special thanks to Hunter Seidman.
2
SPEAKER_03
APM Studios executives in charge are Chandra Kavati, Alec Schaffert, and Joanne Griffith.
2
SPEAKER_03
Concept developed by Tracy Mumford.
2
SPEAKER_03
Our executive consultant is Dean Capello and Gobsmack Studios.
2
SPEAKER_03
You can always ask for advice at DontAskTIG.org.
2
SPEAKER_03
Just write in with your problem or send us a voice memo.
2
SPEAKER_03
Remember to follow us on social media at Don t Ask Tig.
2
SPEAKER_03
Don t Ask Tig is a production of American Public Media.
2
SPEAKER_03
And as always, thanks, Dana.
2
SPEAKER_03
And I ll tell Becky.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m Christina Cauterucci, and this season on Slow Burn.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s called Proposition 6.
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SPEAKER_00
The Briggs Initiative.
2
SPEAKER_00
John Briggs is going to fire every gay and lesbian schoolteacher in California.
2
SPEAKER_00
With so much at stake, young people became activists.
2
SPEAKER_00
We can t let this happen in California.
2
SPEAKER_00
And activists became leaders.
2
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My name is Harvey Milk, and I m here to include you.
2
SPEAKER_00
Slow Burn, Season 9.
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SPEAKER_00
Gays Against Briggs.
2
SPEAKER_00
Out now, wherever you listen.