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bad boy and biology, or the biology of the bad boy.
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Now, how many of you have ever been attracted to the bad guy, right, the bad boy?
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How many of you have ever been, be honest, be honest, do not be ashamed, do not feel embarrassed, right?
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And how many of you have ever been attracted to the bad person or the bad girl, like someone who kind of is a rebel, kind of has that edge, right, super attractive, and certainly there are bad boys and bad girls out there,
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And the bad boy type is far more common because men tend to demonstrate what psychologists call the dark triad of characteristics more often.
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Now I know everyone s like, ooh, what s the dark triad?
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So the dark triad of characteristics are narcissism, psychopathy, and this last one is the manipulativeness and an extreme focus on their own interests over others.
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Now when we look at them clinically, these traits don t sound at all attractive, right?
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I mean, you re not going, that s what I want.
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But are you?
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When we look at that clinically, even though it doesn t seem attractive, in the real world, they can be quite alluring.
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Now, Gregory Lewis Carter of the University of Durham and his team gave 128 undergraduate women descriptions of two types of men.
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what we d call regular guys, who served as the controls for the study, and bad boys.
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The bad boys were described using traits from an inventory of characteristics typically associated with narcissism, such as a desire for attention and admiration, a lack of remorse or sensitivity, lack of concern with moral standards, and cynicism.
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The researchers then asked the women to rate the attractiveness of the men based on these descriptions.
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And, you guessed it, bad boys came out on top.
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The researchers concluded that two issues may be at play in the women s choices.
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For one, biology.
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The bad boys had traits that women could have interpreted would make them stronger genetically and therefore better mates for reproducing.
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But on a more everyday level, it could have been down to the bad boy s ability to sell themselves.
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Remember, among the dark triad are characteristics of manipulation and ability to represent themselves favorably.
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So the reason why I m sharing that with you, and why we lose the spark, is because we re attracted to the wrong person in the first place.
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Right?
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So what ends up happening is we get attracted to the wrong person.
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We then start to see the reality of that individual.
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And after we see the reality, we have to readjust.
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And I want to break down those three steps, right?
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It s natural to make the wrong decision to be attracted to the wrong thing, then see reality.
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And the biggest mistake we do
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is often it s glaringly obvious that this person is obviously wrong for us and we keep trying to readjust to stay.
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The best thing we can do in that moment when we ve really learned about the reality and if it s fully that extreme is to move on.
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So the first lesson of today or the first reason
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is this idea of how we have to transition from chemistry to character, right?
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Chemistry to character is one of the biggest reasons why relationships end.
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Now, I wanna talk to you about how this changes biologically, right?
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So, let s dive into a study about love at first sight.
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According to a study in the Journal for the International Association for Relationship Research, that s a mouthful,
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Participants who reported having had love at first sight experience were also more likely to emphasize the importance of physical attractiveness over concepts associated with true love, such as intimacy and commitment.
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Notice how we re constantly led astray.
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Studies show that when we re younger, our prefrontal cortex is less developed,
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So we re more likely to follow our feelings as opposed to reasoning and self-control.
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That s why actually, which is so fascinating.
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Don t you feel like you felt more chemistry when you were younger?
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Don t you feel you just felt more naturally attracted to people when you were younger, even when you didn t go on a date?
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Whereas now as an adult, you go on so many dates and you don t feel anything.
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And
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The reason is because now your brain is developed and your reasoning and your self-control is so high that you re actually able to be more discerning.
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Now, the reason why I m talking about this is that, as the researchers wrote, we therefore suggest that love at first sight is not a distinct form of love, but rather a strong initial attraction that some label as love at first sight, either in the moment or retrospectively.
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Now, when I talk about me and Radhi, it was definitely attraction at first sight.
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Radhi did not care.
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If you ask Radhi, she ll say, yeah, I didn t even notice him.
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I noticed her for sure, right?
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Just to clarify how deceiving it can be.
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Now, hedonic adaptation is a psychological concept that describes why, for instance, studies show that while happiness spikes in the first two years of marriage, this could be two years of living together, then returns to prior levels.
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Researchers call this early stage of love passionate love.
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Over time, if love lasts, it tends to morph into something still beautiful, but less charged by the exciting and sometimes stressful dopamine spikes that accompany newness.
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Now, this is really interesting.
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When something s new, you experience stress and excitement at the same time.
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So the excitement is, they gave me their number.
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The stress is, will they text me?
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The excitement is, oh my gosh, we re going on our first date.
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The stress is, do they like me?
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So you re going through this pendulum of excitement and stress, excitement and stress, excitement and stress, and that s what makes you feel like you have a spark biologically, chemically.
1
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When you find that bright spot to help you get through your day, it s powerful.
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That s where The Bright Side comes in.
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Listen, both Danielle and I are reporters.
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We ve covered the news and we know the world can feel heavy, but The Bright Side podcast is a space to have a little fun, to learn something new and get into some friendly debates.
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Join us five days a week to see how life can look from the bright side.
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We ll hear from celebrities, authors, experts and listeners like you, whether it s relationships, friend advice or figuring out how to navigate life s transitions.
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We ll talk through it all together.
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Listen to the bright side from Hello Sunshine every weekday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
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When the Taliban banned music in Afghanistan, millions were plunged into silence.
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Radios were smashed.
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Cassettes burned.
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You could be beaten or jailed or killed for breaking the rules.
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And yet, Afghans did it anyway.
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This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol.
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The danger they endured.
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They said my head should be cut off.
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The joy they brought to the nation.
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You re free completely.
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No one is there to destroy you.
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I m John Legend.
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Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Guess what, Bango?
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What s up, Will?
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So iHeart is giving us a whole minute to promote our podcast, Part-Time Genius.
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I know, that s why I spent my whole week composing a haiku for the occasion.
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It s about my emotional journey in podcasting over the last seven years, and it s called Earthquake House.
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Mango, I m going to cut you off right there.
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Why don t we just tell people about our show instead?
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Yeah, that s a better idea.
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So every week on Part-Time Genius, we feed our curiosity by answering the world s most important questions.
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Things like, when did America start dialing 911?
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Is William Shatner s best acting work in Esperanto?
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Also, what happened to Esperanto?
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Plus, we cover questions like how Chinese is your Chinese food?
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How do dollar stores stay in business?
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And of course, is there an Illuminati of cheese?
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There absolutely is.
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And we are risking our lives by talking about it.
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But if you love mind-blowing facts, incredible history and really bad jokes, make your brains happy and tune in to Part-Time Genius.
1
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Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Now, over time, if love lasts, it tends to morph into something still beautiful but less charged by that excitement and stress.
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This later state is called compassionate love and is characterized by deep connection.
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So when something becomes routine or consistently available, it
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naturally lose its spark, right?
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When someone, when you have to kind of guess when you re gonna see someone, when you re gonna surprise each other, naturally that is spark.
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Now, though our brains can and do adapt to anything that s routine, arousal and physical passion tended to be affected more.
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When these things fade, much of love s heavy lifting is done by our deeper attraction, that of our character and values, and how well they re suited to one another.
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If we never looked beyond the spark, when the initial chemistry begins to fade, the relationship fizzles, right?
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So I want to keep emphasizing the power of goals, values, a deeper understanding of the human being.
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And by the way, if reality surprised you and you don t want reality, that is absolutely fine too.
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You don t have to keep putting yourself in a position you don t want to be in.
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So that s a big reason, right?
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That s a really, really big reason as to why the spark goes away, because we ve talked about the idea that we re attracted to the wrong thing in the first place.
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We re not switching from chemistry to character.
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And if we don t, the chemistry, you have to understand, that s biology.
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It s literally changing, right?
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Our hormones are changing.
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chemicals that are released are changing as you spend more time.
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You become more comfortable with them.
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You become more natural with them.
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Now, this one s a really, really big one, this next one.
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I think it s something that, again, we don t talk about enough.
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I find that it s fascinating that at the beginning of a relationship, you want to win the other person over, but then fast forward into the relationship,
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you want them to lose in an argument, right?
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You spend the whole first few months trying to win the other person over, and now all you want to do is beat them in an argument.
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Notice how you went from winning them over to wanting them to lose.
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Now, that s the challenge, that the relationship now goes from being a collaboration to a competition.
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It goes from being a collaboration to a competition.
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And that s where relationships start to disintegrate.
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It starts to break down.
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It starts to fall apart.
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So this is fascinating to me because you went from having a collaborative
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exciting, chemistry-based, compatible connection, and now all of a sudden it became a competition, right?
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It became a competition.
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And listen to this.
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Arthur Ann Leary met her husband when she was 20 and he was 25.
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They were perfect together.
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They had similar attributes and psychological makeup.
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They were both intensely competitive, both emotional and sensitive.
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They loved kids and animals.
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They even looked similar to one another.
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But as Leary writes, when the couple had kids, their matching attitudes and temperaments started to cause problems.
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They began to keep score, noting who each thought was doing more to contribute to the family and who was being more critical and self-serving.
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After years of this, they sought therapy, but one evening while sitting in the marriage counselor s office, they simply agreed it just wasn t going to work and they should get a divorce.
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On the way home, they stopped for a bite to eat, during which Anne decided to finally tell her husband everything she d been holding back, every time he d failed in her eyes or let her down.
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To her surprise, instead of pushing back and arguing, he apologized.
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Shocked at his response, Anne softened, then confessed everything she was sorry for too.
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Instead of discussing the divorce, they called their apartment,
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and ask their kids if they wanted to see a movie together as a family.
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They never did file for divorce, and instead learned to shift the dynamics of their relationship.
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Their competition is now more of a friendly rivalry, and instead of being critical, they ve learned to celebrate one another s success.
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Now, notice how those two trajectories, right?
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You re going down this road of chemistry.
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Hopefully, you find compatibility.
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And then you have this split point.
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You either choose competition or you choose connection.
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Competition leads to complaining, criticism, comparison, and connection leads to all the great stuff that we re really looking for.
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And so everyone s at that fork in their relationship always.
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And you have to decide whether you re choosing to compete with this person or you re choosing to compete on who can love each other more deeply.
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And so that s another reason why relationships fizzle out, is that we choose competition over collaboration.
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We choose competition over connection.
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We choose comparison over care and compassion.
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And I think if we can really think about our life as we re always choosing between those two, when you re next in an argument, ask yourself, am I competing with the person I tried to win over?
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Because that doesn t make any sense.
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Or do I want to collaborate with them?
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Literally ask yourself that question.
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So I hope this is really being illuminating for you.
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And I want to talk to you about where we can go right, how we can improve this for ourselves.
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What are some of the things that we can do?
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So I looked at some research as to what makes a marriage good after the honeymoon.
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And this applies to what makes a relationship good after the honeymoon phase.
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And to answer this question, anthropologist Helen Fisher
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did some great research.
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The team found a group of unicorns, not real unicorns, but people who d been married for an average of 21.4 years and reported they were still very much in love.
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They scanned their brains while these people looked at pictures of a familiar acquaintance, a close long-term friend, an acquaintance with whom they were less familiar, and their partner.
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Unlike when they looked at photos of others, when they looked at pictures of their partners, they showed activities in areas of the brain that are associated with all three of our basic human drives.
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The sex drive, our drive for romantic passion, yes, that s an actual drive, and our drive to feel attachment.
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Now, attachment, what researchers call liking, can form the basis for a happy long-term relationship.
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It s almost that idea of, like, you say you love someone, but do you like them?
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I had someone say this to me, I was officiating a wedding a couple of years ago and this person came up to me and they said, Jay, I broke up with someone because we realized we loved each other but we didn t like each other.
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And I thought that was such a fascinating statement because you think love encompasses everything.
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But liking someone means you actually like being around them.
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Love means you care about them.
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You may have deep feelings towards them, but you don t like them.
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You don t get along with them.
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So when the researchers compared the results to brain activity in those who were experiencing early stage love, the newly in love showed activity pretty much entirely in wanting areas associated with dopamine-fueled power.
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The researchers said, for some when they look at their partner, it looks almost as if their brain is on fire.
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And in a way it is.
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We can still experience intense love many years into marriage, but in these later years, what fuels love changes.
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You can think one of the early stages of a relationship
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and all of that initial passion like gasoline.
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It will burn hot and fast when it ignites, but it s not sustainable.
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When we connect on a deeper level, when we listen fully to one another, when we hold hands or share long hugs, we re putting wood on the fire, and over time, we get the enduring warmth of a long-lasting relationship.
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And what we understand from the Gottman Institute is that rather than creating a climate of disagreement and resistance, couples embrace each other s needs.
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It s the idea of, do I make my partner feel seen, heard, and understood?
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And do I feel seen, heard, and understood?
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And are we making enough time to feel seen, heard, and understood?
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And I think too many people, we feel that I already
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heard my partner, I ve already seen them, I already know them, right?
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There s this assumption of I ve already figured them out.
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I already fully understand them.
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And that actually blocks us.
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And that s why the spark goes away.
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Because now we re only looking at old things about our partner.
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We re not learning about the new things.
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I want to go a bit deeper with you all if I can.
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One of the reasons why relationships and chemistry fade and what we can do about them
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is that we don t realize that relationships are not just for pleasure, but they re for reaching our truest potential.
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Your partner is going to push you, challenge you in ways that no one else ever has.
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And actually, it could bring out the best out of you if you re willing to let it come out.
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I think too many of us are scared of letting it come out because of our ego.
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We don t want our partner to challenge us.
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Now, I m not saying that your partner should criticize you or compare you to other people.
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That s not healthy.
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But a partner can challenge us in so many other ways and challenge our ego in so many other ways.
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There s a lot of growth to be had.
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And there s a beautiful statement from relationship counselor and former monk as well, Thomas More.
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He writes in his book, Soulmates, relationships are not meant to provide us with unending happiness.
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When we focus our attention on the soul of the relationship instead of on its interpersonal mechanics, a different set of values come to the foreground.
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We begin to see relationships as the place where the soul works out its destiny.
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With our focus on the soul, we won t feel the impossible burden of doing the relationship right.
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So he says, when we look at the issues from the standpoint of our soul, we stop putting ourselves as the center.
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We don t ask, what s wrong with me?
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We ask, how does the failure of this relationship serve me?
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Or what is our out of alignment within me that I chose to be in a relationship that does not honor my values?
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So Moore also writes that the problems within a relationship don t necessarily mean that something is wrong.
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Instead, these challenges may be inviting us to lean into one another.
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periods of stress and points of disagreements can actually serve as initiation of sorts into a more meaningful relationship where we understand and relate to ourselves and the other person on a deeper level.
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I love this idea.
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I love this idea that challenges doesn t mean we just walk away, that we throw it away, that this could be the greatest growth that we could go through.
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See, the problem is in a relationship, we measure our self-worth by how well the relationship s going.
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We don t measure it by saying, well, how much am I growing?
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Right?
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We measure our self-worth and our self-esteem by how well is this relationship going, not by how am I feeling or how am I growing or what am I accomplishing separately?
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The other thing I m going to mention here is
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the investment we make in our relationship.
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Researchers from the National University of Singapore and Emory University used data from more than 3,000 married people to determine the correlation between how much money you spend on weddings and divorce rates.
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This is scary.
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They found that the more a couple spent on a wedding, the more likely the marriage wouldn t last.
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Those who married on the cheap, relatively speaking, for $1,000 or less, were 53% less likely to divorce.
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And couples spending between $1,000 and $5,000 were 18% less likely to split up.
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Conversely, couples who forked out over $10,000 to $20,000 for the big day were 29% more likely to divorce.
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Among those who went all out, spending more than $20,000, the odds their marriage wouldn t last rose to 46%.
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Now, I m not telling you not to have a big wedding.
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I m really not restricting you.
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But what I m saying is, are we investing more in moving in?
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and getting married, or are we investing in our relationship?
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How many of us are, you know, when you re getting married, you think about a guest list.
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How many of you have thought about which are the couples you really want to spend time with?
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That s the thing we should be thinking about.
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When we get married, we have a officiant.
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The officiant is guiding the ceremony.
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Who are our marriage mentors, or even if you re not getting married, our relationship mentors, right?
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Who s coaching us?
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Who s guiding us through this?
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Who are we turning to?
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And clinical psychologist Seth Meyers says that seeking counseling before getting married, and I m just talking about getting married is almost like a commitment in a relationship, even if you choose not to get married.
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So Seth Meyers says that seeking counseling before getting married is the smartest decision that any couple can make.
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Meyers believes this is one thing that religious institutions and spiritual traditions that require or at least recommend premarital counseling get right.
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Yet unfortunately many couples who aren t required by institutions or spiritual leaders to have counseling before marriage avoid seeking this kind of support because of fear.
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They re afraid that if they talk about challenges they re already having, putting a spotlight on their problems will magnify them and they ll split up.
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Maya says it s typically the opposite, that s true.
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Having a structured environment where you can express your feelings and be supported, working through early challenges actually helps you resolve the issues so they won t creep up later on when you re in a relationship.
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So at that point, later on, you could be so entrenched that they re harder to resolve and really could lead to divorce.
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So I think our avoidance of problems in hope that things will work out rarely tend to work.
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I hope this episode has been really illuminating on how it s natural that chemistry will go.
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It s natural that compatibility and character will rise.
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We then have a choice between competition or collaboration.
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And finally, we have a choice between really excavating and creating long lasting soul connection and work.
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as opposed to the idea of, I just want to have a good time.
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I m not saying that relationships are not fun, they re not exciting, they are, they re thrilling, but at the same time, there is a growth that comes from it that is even more satisfying.
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I m sure you feel that if you re someone who s gone to the gym regularly, even though it is uncomfortable in the beginning,
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The feeling is so much better.
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If you ve been eating really healthy, the feeling is so much better.
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If you ve worked on a tough relationship, the success, the accomplishment you feel from this type of growth is so much greater than any pleasure.
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Thank you so much for listening to On Purpose.
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I hope you ll go and pre-order my new book.
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It s four days away.
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8rulesoflove.com.
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Get the audiobook or the hardcover.
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I can t wait for you to read it.
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and I can t wait to connect with you on my tour.
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I m going on tour.
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jscheddytour.com if you want to come and see me live.
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It s going to be a phenomenal experience.
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Can t wait to see you there.
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Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt, and we re the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
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It s a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
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Like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
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Let s learn about all of it and then some.
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Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on America s number one podcast network, iHeart.
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Open your free iHeart app and search Grown Up Stuff.
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A new season of Bridgerton is here.
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And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
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I m your host, Gabby Collins.
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And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the ton.
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Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
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Then fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.