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This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol.
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The joy they brought to the nation.
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You re free completely.
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No one is there to destroy you.
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The danger they endured.
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They said my head should be cut off.
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I m John Legend.
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Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Guess what, Will?
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What s up, Mango?
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I ve been trying to write a promo for our podcast, Part-Time Genius, but even though we ve done over 250 episodes, we don t really talk about murders or cults.
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I mean, we did just cover the Illuminati of cheese, so I feel like that makes us pretty edgy.
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We also solve mysteries like how Chinese is your Chinese food and how do dollar stores make money?
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And then, of course, can you game a dog show?
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So what you re saying is everyone should be listening.
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Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt, and we re the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
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It s a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
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Like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
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Let s learn about all of it and then some.
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Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on America s number one podcast network, iHeart.
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Open your free iHeart app and search Grown Up Stuff.
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Relationships are masterfully designed to annoy us.
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But that s not why you re in a relationship.
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Bringing awareness to your relationship is uncomfortable.
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We expect love to flow naturally, but this is extremely rare and often it means that we re not taking on the tougher issues.
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We need to make mistakes, identify what we need to change, and work on doing better.
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This is where we grow as individuals and together.
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Hey everyone, I m so excited because we re going to be adding a really special offering onto the back of my solo episodes on Fridays.
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It s my short daily series on Calm, the Daily J. And let me tell you, it s unlike anything else I m doing.
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It s part storytelling, part mindfulness, with a wide range of unique, actionable insights, and it s also the only place you can meditate with me each and every day.
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I absolutely love all the wisdom we re sharing, all the lives we re changing.
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And whether you want to improve your mindset, your habits, or your relationships, whether you want to work on developing more focus, presence, or equanimity, building a Daily J routine, just seven minutes every day, can make a huge impact.
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So make sure to check out the session at the end of the podcast, and then subscribe to Calm for your daily dose of the Daily J. Go to calm.com forward slash J for 40% off your membership today.
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This week we re talking about your relationships and how to create the most meaningful connections with the people that matter to you.
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Of course, if you want to listen to the Daily J every day, you can go subscribe to Calm.
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So go to calm.com forward slash J for 40% off your membership today.
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Welcome back to On Purpose.
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This is your safe space.
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This is your place of comfort, of discomfort,
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of self-work and self-care.
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We re that space that gives you both.
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And you know that because you turn up every day, every week.
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And I m so grateful to you.
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I honestly am so deeply grateful to you for all your love and all your support.
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And to reciprocate with you, today I m giving you
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the third chapter of my audio book, the third rule of my new book, Eight Rules of Love, absolutely free.
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So today s episode is called Define Love Before You Think It, Feel It, or Say It.
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And inside this book and this audio book chapter, I m gonna teach you how to come up with your own definition of love, how to redefine love so that you don t get misled again.
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So that someone doesn t get to manipulate you again.
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So that someone doesn t pretend to give you a relationship and a partnership when actually what they want is ownership.
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How often has someone pretended to care for you when really they were trying to control you?
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How many times have you felt someone pretending to be affectionate when actually they were just trying to be assertive?
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And so I hope that this episode helps you.
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I hope it helps your friends.
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And for those of you that don t already have the book, even though so many of you do already, head over to eightrulesoflove.com, order the audio book, order the hard copy if you want to hear it in my voice.
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The audio book is in my voice.
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I know some of you like reading and listening at the same time, but you re going to love this episode.
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Part two, compatibility, learning to love others.
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The second ashram, Grihastha, is the stage of life when we extend our love to others while still loving ourselves.
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This stage introduces the challenges of learning to understand, appreciate and cooperate with another mind, another set of values and another set of likes and dislikes on a daily basis.
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Here we explore the challenges of karma metri, loving others.
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Rule three, define love before you think it, feel it, or say it.
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My boyfriend told me he loved me.
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And a week later, he fully ghosted me.
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I told my partner I loved her.
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She said, thank you.
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I was dating a girl for several weeks.
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When I told her I thought I was starting to fall in love with her, she said she needed more space.
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We ve been together for three years and we say I love you before bed.
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Same time every night.
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I m not sure it means anything anymore.
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We say I love you, or wait for the right time to say it, or hope someone will say it to us, but there is no universal agreement as to what it means.
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For some it means, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
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For some people, saying I love you means, I want to spend the night with you.
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Between those two intentions are infinite others and some of us say it without any particular intention because in that moment we just feel something we interpret as love.
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This leaves a lot of room for confusion, miscommunication and false expectations.
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Writer Samantha Taylor says, the first time I told my now husband I loved him, we were spending one of those long nights on the phone early in our dating relationship, back when people actually talked on the phone.
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Delirious with sleepiness, I told him that I wanted to tell him I loved him but didn t want to scare him off.
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Don t worry, he told me.
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Saying I love you isn t a big deal to me.
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I love my mom.
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I love my friends.
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I love you too.
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Great.
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He loved me like his mom.
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So romantic.
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He was telling her that his definition of I love you was different from hers.
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Broad, low pressure, and not particularly romantic.
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She adds, fortunately, he must have grown to love me in a romantic way because we ve been married for almost 10 years.
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We say I love you in so many different contexts, with family and friends and lovers, that it doesn t indicate anything but the presence of some sort of affection.
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And yet we have expectations based on what we assume it means to the other person.
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I love you doesn t include commitment.
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It doesn t promise you want to have children together.
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It doesn t guarantee that you ll put any effort into making a relationship work.
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It s a beautiful start, but not a substitute for many other meaningful conversations.
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A survey showed that men are quicker to say I love you than women, taking an average of 88 days.
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a whopping 39% of them declare their love within the first month Women take an average of 134 days and 23% of them declare their love in month 1 It s hard to imagine that people who feel love within weeks actually live up to what their partners think that statement means
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You may feel like you know someone because you ve spent time with them and you like their personality, but you may not know their dreams, their values, their priorities, the things that matter to them.
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You think you know their heart, but you just know their mind.
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Love takes time.
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takes time.
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I m not saying you need to understand someone fully before you fall in love.
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We re always learning new things about our partner, but too often we leap to love based on a very small amount of information.
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In any other area of your life, it s very unlikely that you make a big decision based on such a small amount of information.
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Love is not black and white.
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You either love someone or you don t.
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And there s only one way to do it.
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Some people renew their vows every 10 years, either to recommit to love or to express how their love has evolved.
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Some people have long-distance love.
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Some people are friends with benefits.
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Some people get divorced, but they find a way to parent together peacefully and comfortably.
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Recently, a guy came up to me at a wedding and told me he just got out of a long relationship.
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He said, we love each other, but leaving each other was the best way to carry on loving each other.
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That s love too.
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To discount the many forms of love is to miss many beautiful possibilities.
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Understanding the nuances allows you to define and honor the love you have with the person you re with.
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As soon as we say, I love you, we re going to have to live up to those words, not by our definition, but by the definition of the person we love.
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On the flip side, when we accept someone else s love, we have to realize that they aren t using our definition of love.
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Before we decide that we re in love, before we tell another person we love them, and before we determine what it means when they say those words to us, we must consider how we define love.
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What do we expect love to feel like?
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How do we know we love someone?
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How do we know if they love us?
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The only way to avoid miscommunication is to talk about love using far more than those three words.
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This rule will help us figure out what we mean when we say, I love you, what it may or may not mean when our partner says it, and how to find a meaning we can share.
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The four phases of love.
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When we tell each other we love each other, we rarely elaborate, unless it s to add a romantic flourish, like so much, or to the moon and back.
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It s pretty black and white.
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We ve either declared our love, or we haven t.
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We don t leave much room for variation or degrees of love.
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But we can take some cues in the practice of love from the bhakti tradition, an 8th century movement in Hinduism.
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Bhakti describes the journey of falling in love with the Divine in stages.
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The first stage is Shraddha, where we have the spark of faith that makes us take interest in the Divine.
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Notice how even when we re talking about connecting with the Divine, there s a preliminary desire.
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Curiosity and hope drive us to engage.
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This leads us to the next stage, Sadhu Sangha, desiring to associate with spiritually advanced persons.
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Here we find a spiritual teacher, guide, mentor who can help us develop our practice.
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After that is Bhajana Kriya, where we perform devotional acts like attending services and praying.
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As our devotion gets deeper, we become free from all material attachments, anartha nivrtti, achieve steadiness, nishta, in self-realization, and find enthusiasm, ruchi, for serving the divine.
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This taste leads us to further attachment, which is called bhava.
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This is the preliminary stage of pure love of the divine.
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Then finally, we reach pure love for the divine.
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Prem.
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This is the supreme stage of life where we have attained the highest form of a divine loving relationship, unbound by awe and reverence or any kind of hierarchy.
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Because the bhakti stages of love describe an intimate, direct relationship between a person and their God, they can apply in many ways to how we love each other.
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So I decided to bring the model down to earth and reinterpret it for the practice of understanding and loving another person.
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When it comes to love, we expect that we ll know when we know.
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but our experiences of love can be different at different times.
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The four phases of love I m about to describe can all look like love and feel like love and they are all part of the journey of love.
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How do you know if you re in love with someone?
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Love isn t being called every day or having your chair pulled out for you or feeling warm and fuzzy when you see someone.
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Love isn t a purely romantic fairy tale, and it isn t pragmatically checking qualities off a list.
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Looking at these phases helps us understand love differently, define love for ourselves, and better articulate our feelings of love.
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At the same time, seeing the levels of love helps us understand why our partner might have a different concept of love than we do.
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Knowing what phase you re in helps orient you for progress to the next phase, and when you can t see yourself getting to the next phase, then you might enjoy it for a while, but you know that it s not sustainable.
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We might not progress in exactly this order, and the rest of this book will show you how we cycle back through the phases.
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This is a cycle we will repeat not just with one partner but with pretty much everyone who plays an important role in our lives.
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This is the practice of love.
1
1.
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Attraction 2.
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Dreams 3.
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Struggle and Growth 4.
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Trust Phase 1.
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Attraction
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In phase one, we feel a spark of intrigue, interest, and attraction.
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This makes us want to figure out if someone is worth our time and effort.
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Researchers describe what we call love as three distinct drives in the brain, lust, attraction, and attachment.
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When we move from lust to attraction, we re taking the generalized desire to connect with someone and focusing it on a specific person.
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The brain chemicals involved in lust differ from those that produce attraction.
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Lust is governed more by testosterone and estrogen, whereas attraction includes dopamine, the reward chemical, and norepinephrine, the brain s version of adrenaline, which when combined with dopamine can generate that feeling of euphoria around the target of our attraction.
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Additionally, levels of the feel-good hormone serotonin actually drop in this phase, which contributes to our feelings of anxiety and passion in the early stages of attraction.
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We have an exciting surge of hope and belief that someone could be the right person for us.
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We feel intrigue and interest.
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We swipe right.
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Love often starts with this thrilling hint of possibility.
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It means, you intrigue me.
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I want more.
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Chemistry like this feels amazing.
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But we should be careful not to think that chemistry is the only way love begins or that it is the entirety of love.
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Time helps you understand whether what you re feeling is truly love.
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Think about what it s like when you place an order for a chair on a website.
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looks good online, it fits beautifully into a room pictured on your favorite home store site.
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But when it arrives, it isn t comfortable to sit on.
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In attraction, we observe people for how they appear, but we don t understand what it s like to have a relationship with them.
1
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I used to know this guy
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who came up to me every month and told me he had fallen in love with another girl, someone he d bumped into or met on Instagram.
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For a week, he d be completely infatuated.
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And then a few weeks later, it would be someone else.
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In the attraction phase, we have glimpses of love that show us its beauty.
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Lingering in the attraction phase is pleasurable.
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With new people, we ve carefully exposed what we want them to see, our best features.
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There are few arguments, expectations, and disappointments.
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We can sustain the fantasy of a perfect match, but it takes a deeper connection to go beyond phase one.
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Science supports the idea that having deeper connections bodes well for relationships.
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Professor Matias Mel at the University of Arizona in Tucson and his team studied whether the conversations we have affect our well-being.
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Specifically, they were looking at the difference between small talk and having deep, meaningful discussions.
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They had 79 participants wear recorders for four days while they went about their daily lives.
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The devices were designed to record snippets of ambient sound, netting about 300 recordings per participant over the four days.
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The researchers then listened to the recordings and noted when the participants were alone or talking with others.
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And when their conversation was superficial, what do you have there?
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Popcorn?
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Yummy!
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Or deep?
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She fell in love with your dad?
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So did they get divorced soon after?
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The researchers also assessed participants  well-being through a series of statements, such as, I see myself as someone who is happy, satisfied with life.
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They found that higher rates of well-being were associated more with people who had deep conversations than those who made more small talk.
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Going deep isn t a technique, it can only be a genuine experience that leads to a true connection.
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But we can examine our own willingness to open up and be vulnerable with people as we build trust with them.
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Social scientists say that vulnerability leads to reciprocal escalating self-disclosure.
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What this means is that over time, a couple begins to reveal vulnerabilities to each other.
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That s the self-disclosure.
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Sharing parts of yourself doesn t mean bearing your whole soul all at once.
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A new season of Bridgerton is here.
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And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
2
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I m your host, Gabrielle Collins.
2
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And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the ton.
2
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Colin Bridgerton has returned from his travels abroad.
2
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Is Betrothal written in the stars for the eligible bachelor?
2
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Meanwhile, the ton is reverberating with speculation of who holds Lady Whistledown s pen.
2
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We re discussing it all.
2
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I sit down with Nicola Coughlin, Luke Newton, Shonda Rhimes, and more to offer an exclusive peek behind the scenes of each episode of the new season.
2
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Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
2
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Then fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
2
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Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.
2
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When the Taliban banned music in Afghanistan, millions were plunged into silence.
2
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Radios were smashed.
2
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Cassettes burned.
2
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You could be beaten or jailed or killed for breaking the rules.
2
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And yet, Afghans did it anyway.
2
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This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol.
2
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The danger they endured.
2
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They said my head should be cut off.
2
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The joy they brought to the nation.
2
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You re free completely.
2
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No one is there to destroy you.
2
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I m John Legend.
2
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Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
2
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Sometimes, when we are caught up in the moment, we re tempted to do that.
2
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But if we gradually unveil our personalities, values, and goals, we start to see if there is a connection.
2
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Letting yourself be vulnerable with this intention keeps you feeling protected, like you aren t exposed too much too fast to a person you can t trust.
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If it all goes well, you reveal increasingly intimate facets of yourself at a pace where you feel comfortable.
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That s where the escalating comes in.
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And the disclosure is a gift that you give back and forth to each other.
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That s reciprocal.
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It is with reciprocal escalating self-disclosure that we start to truly know a person.
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The three-date rule.
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In my experience working with clients, three dates usually provide enough time to determine if you and another person would be a good match.
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These three dates don t have to be your first three dates, and you don t have to do them one after another.
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You can spread them out.
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Sometimes it s nice to just see a movie.
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In these dates, you ll focus on three areas.
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Whether you like their personality, whether you respect their values, and whether you would like to help them achieve their goals.
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For simplicity s sake, I m going to suggest focusing on these qualities sequentially, one per date.
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But you ll probably be uncovering some aspect of each dimension during each date.
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First, we start with personality because it s the easiest thing to spot, understand, and connect with.
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In their personality, you ll see how their past has shaped them.
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Second, you ll explore their values, which define who they are today.
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And third, you ll try to recognize their goals, which encapsulate what they want in the future.
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Date 1
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Do you have fun together?
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Do you enjoy each other s company?
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Does conversation flow?
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What makes you comfortable and what makes you uncomfortable?
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The first day is to find out if you really enjoy each other s personalities.
2
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To do so, you need to shift between small talk and deep talk.
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The topics we gravitate toward, favorite movies or vacation plans, don t help us know people deeply.
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Instead, you can start to ask questions that inspire both of you to reveal more personal details, including your quirks and imperfections.
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Remember, we share vulnerabilities gradually as we get to know and trust each other.
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So on this date, your focus is to see if you enjoy and appreciate their personality.
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Try to learn something new about them or see a side of them you haven t seen.
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Here are some light questions you can ask on date 1.
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You ll see that they are questions about taste and preferences.
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They tread in areas where most people are comfortable, but they create the possibility to show real passions.
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When you ask someone what the best meal they ever had was, the question isn t just about food.
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It opens up a bigger conversation about where and when they had the food and what made it special.
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If you ask what they wish they knew more about, you find out about their curiosities and unfulfilled interests.
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If you hit on a strong interest, like taste in movies or books, you can dig deeper into why they like what they like and find out how introspective they are.
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Even if you think you know your partner well, the answers might surprise you.
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What s something you love to do?
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Do you have a favorite place?
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Is there a book or movie you ve read or seen more than once?
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What is occupying your thoughts most at the moment?
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What s something you wish you knew more about?
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What s the best meal you ve ever had?
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This isn t an interview.
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Every conversation has two sides.
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And one aspect of your partner s personality these questions will reveal is whether they re curious about you.
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Do they ask for your own responses to these questions and dig deeper when they turn the conversation to you?
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Try this.
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Prepare for date one.
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Take the questions I suggested you ask your date and write out your own answers to them.
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What s something you love to do?
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Do you have a favorite place?
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Is there a book or movie you ve read or seen more than once?
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What is occupying your thoughts most at the moment?
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What s something you wish you knew more about?
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What s the best meal you ve ever had?
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Once you have your answers, ask yourself what they might tell a person about you.
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Do these questions bring up some of your strong interests?
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Do they give you a chance to reveal important aspects of your personality?
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If not, are there other questions that would?
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Add those questions to the list you bring to your next date.
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Date 2 Your date 2 could come after any number of dates spent dancing or going to the museums or talking casually over dinner.
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But knowing that you enjoy the same movies or like the same cuisine doesn t really tell you if your values are compatible.
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Gently encourage your date to share meaningful stories and details about their life.
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Take turns with these questions and make sure again that it s not an interview.
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In fact, if they hesitate over a question, you might say, I know it s a hard question, I ll go first.
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Your answers can reveal your own values.
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If the question is who s the most fascinating person you ve ever met, don t just give a name.
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Say what interested you about the person, what you learned from them, or what you would ask them if you could meet them again.
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If you re telling a story about something you ve done that s out of character, then tell them what s in character for you, why you hold that value, and what made you diverge from it.
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If they re not immediately open, that s okay.
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Escalating self-disclosure is a slow build.
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Sometimes when we re ready to share, we think it s the right time for them to open up as well.
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But people do this at their own pace, in their own time.
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Ask questions and listen carefully to the response to gauge if the person is hesitant.
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Give them openings to change the subject, asking, is this too heavy a topic?
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Or would you rather not go here right now?
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Not only do we want to avoid grilling our date, we also don t want to overshare.
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Taking up all the oxygen in the room with unsolicited, deeply personal stories will only make the person feel overwhelmed.
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Your ability to be vulnerable and open will help them be vulnerable and to share what feels comfortable at this stage.
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Here are some uncommon questions you can try out on date 2 that will help you learn what they find interesting, how they deal with challenges, what they value, how they tolerate risk, and how they make decisions.
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Who s the most fascinating person you ve ever met?
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What s the most out-of-character thing you ve ever done or would like to do?
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Have you ever had a big plot twist in your life?
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If you won the lottery, what would you spend the money on?
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What s the most spontaneous thing you ve ever done?
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What is a tough thing you dealt with in your past?
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What makes you proud?
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What would you do if you had enough money to not need a job?
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Notice how all these questions approach deeper issues without pressure or intensity.
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You re not asking the worst moment of someone s life or what their darkest secret is.
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These questions are framed to learn about the other person, but in a playful way.
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Don t treat your opinions as if they re better than your partner s.
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They re just different viewpoints that emerge from different backgrounds, different experiences, different upbringings.
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Date three.
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Date three should occur when it feels natural to share some of your ideas for the future.
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Just as you don t need to share the same values, you don t need to have the same goals.
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One of you might have your whole life mapped out and the other might still be exploring what gives their life meaning.
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On date three, you can try out some deeper questions.
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I ll share some here.
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Do you have a dream you d like to fulfill one day?
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A job, a trip, an accomplishment.
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What would you like to change about your life?
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If you could meet anyone, who would it be?
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Is there a single moment or experience that changed your life?
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Is there someone you consider to be your greatest teacher?
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Using the information you glean on these three dates, you can determine if you like a person s personality, respect their values, and want to help them pursue their goals.
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Notice the verbs I chose here.
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You don t have to have the same personality so long as you enjoy each other.
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You don t have to share their values so long as you respect them.
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Their goals don t even have to be things you want or enjoy.
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But are you interested in having these aspects of who they are and who they want to be as part of your day-to-day life and coming to pass near or alongside you?
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Certain goals, like robbing a bank, should be deal breakers.
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It might be that you like them so much that you d be excited to help them with anything, within reason, that they want to pursue.
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Or if their goal is to eradicate homelessness in Los Angeles, such a noble goal might in itself make them more attractive.
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Attraction leads to dreams.
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When our attraction to a person continues over time, we start to fantasize about the relationship that could develop.
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What adventures we could have with this person.
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What our life together would look like.
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We find ourselves in phase two.
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Phase two, dreams.
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In the second phase of love, many of us move fast.
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Our attraction to this person tells us that they might match our dreams.
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But our dreams can cloud our vision of the other person and our own needs.
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In this phase, we strive to dismantle false expectations and focus on designing, building and nurturing a strong relationship based on realistic expectations rather than intoxicating dreams.
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False Expectations
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In this phase of love, we often have in mind a checklist of the qualities our partner should have.
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Sometimes these are very specific and or tied to the opulences.
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Successful, owns a home, likes to watch basketball, is a certain age or a certain level of fitness, is ready to get married in the next year.
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Psychologist Lisa Firestone says these unrealistic expectations are exaggerated by technology.
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Online dating sites can promote the overwhelming notion that there are endless choices in the world, leaving some of us to get stuck in a cycle of perpetual searching or what one team of researchers called relation shopping.
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We may unintentionally find ourselves seeking perfection or one person who can fill every imaginable criterion we ve created in our mind or on our profile.
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This list making can turn dreams into requirements.
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Any potential partner will come with
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the past, challenges, and possibly trauma just as you do.
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You simply won t find someone who ticks every box on your checklist.
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It s okay for different people to fill the different needs on your checklist.
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Research shows that the happiest people have multiple close relationships, so whether we re coupled or single, we shouldn t look to any one person to meet all our needs.
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John Cacioppo, a neuroscientist who researched love and affection, told the New York Times, one of the secrets to a good relationship is being attracted to someone out of choice rather than out of need.
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We might also hope that our partner wants the same things in life that we do.
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The same standard of living, the same family structure, the same likes and dislikes, the same friends, the same notions of how money should be saved and spent, the same plans for the future in terms of how hard we will work, how successful we will be, where we will live, how we will handle unexpected challenges, and how frequently we will make changes.
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Even if we don t say this or even think it, we subconsciously believe that we must share the same values and goals to be in love.
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When one person wants to spend Sunday with their family and the other wants to play golf, or he wants to meet her friends but she s not ready, they can rashly take it as a sign that they re not meant to be.
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Or, later in a relationship, if they don t want to move when we do, we might take it to mean that they don t love us.
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And if they don t want to get married when we do, we think it s the end.
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It s also not uncommon in this phase to expect our partners to read our minds, to understand as soon as we speak, and to agree with us.
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We expect them to channel our emotions and desires, to select the gift we crave, to intuit how we want to celebrate our birthday, what we want for dinner tonight, how much attention we want, how much space we need.
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But creating something together is better than wanting the same thing.
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How you handle your differences is more important than finding your similarities.
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In phase 2, we ground our dreams in reality by establishing rhythms and routines that create the space to nurture the relationship slowly and carefully.
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Rhythms and Routines
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Instead of chasing the dream of what it might be to live happily ever after with this person, spend time getting to know them, building your connection.
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Dreams are an illusion.
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Reality is far more interesting.
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In corporate settings where systems are strong, I urge leaders to incorporate sentiment in order to soften the rigidity of organization and process.
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And in relationships, where sentiment is strong, I embed systems to help bring structure and order to the emotional landscape.
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Rhythms and routines help us maintain a steady pace that lets us get to know each other gradually and genuinely.
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We acknowledge that we are both looking for a long-term relationship and hoping this is it.
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When we establish rhythms and routines together, instead of trying to meet false expectations, our relationship is grounded in how much time we ll spend together and how we ll spend it.
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We don t have to wonder when the person we re interested in will call us next.
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We don t play games like waiting a certain number of days before returning their call.
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We also start to set healthy boundaries while observing how our partner responds to them.
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Boundaries can be physical, some people choose to take their time becoming sexually intimate, and they can also relate to time and emotions.
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A small survey conducted by High Touch Communications Inc.
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found that after work hours, most people expected friends, family and romantic partners to respond to a text within 5 minutes.
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But when it came to work hours, they gave friends and family an hour but still expected a romantic partner to respond within 5 minutes.
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I ve learned to give Radhi around 5 days.
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With a reminder!
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Clinical psychologist Seth Meyers advises new couples to exercise caution.
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In Psychology Today, he writes that lots of physical interaction right away heightens emotions and can colour how you see the other person.
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Looking at them through rose-colored glasses could make you overlook red flags that would be more apparent or concerning if you weren t under the influence of the bonding chemicals we release as a result of physical contact, especially sex.
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Plus, you re forcing emotional intimacy with someone you barely know.
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And as Myers points out, if you don t really know the person eliciting those intense emotional reactions, you may put yourself at risk.
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If the person is kind and good and wants the same things as you, there s no problem.
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If the person doesn t have the same relationship goals as you, you may end up feeling lonely and betrayed.
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He recommends that for at least the first month, you see one another no more than once a week.
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And if things are going well, then you can slowly dial up the frequency of your dates.
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Guess what, Mango?
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What s that, Will?
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So iHeart is giving us a whole minute to promote our podcast, Part-Time Genius.
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I know, that s why I spent my whole week composing a haiku for the occasion.
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It s about my emotional journey in podcasting over the last seven years, and it s called Earthquake House.
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Mango, I m going to cut you off right there.
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Why don t we just tell people about our show instead?
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Yeah, that s a better idea.
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So every week on Part-Time Genius, we feed our curiosity by answering the world s most important questions.
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Things like, when did America start dialing 911?
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is William Shatner s best acting work in Esperanto.
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Also, what happened to Esperanto?
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Plus, we cover questions like how Chinese is your Chinese food?
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How do dollar stores stay in business?
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And of course, is there an Illuminati of cheese?
4
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There absolutely is.
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And we are risking our lives by talking about it.
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But if you love mind blowing facts, incredible history and really bad jokes, make your brains happy and tune in to part time genius.
4
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Listen to Part Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Hey, everyone, this is Molly and Matt and we re the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
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It s a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
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like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
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We re back with season two of the podcast, which means more opportunities to glow up and become a more responsible and better adult, one life lesson at a time.
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And let me just tell you, this show is just as much for us as it is for you.
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So let s figure this stuff out together.
4
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This season, we re going to talk about whether or not we re financially and emotionally ready for dog ownership.
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We re going to figure out the benefits of a high yield savings account.
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And what exactly are the duties of being a member of the wedding party?
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All that plus so much more.
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Let s learn about all of it and then some.
4
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Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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When you encounter a new potential friend, for example, you probably don t rush to see that friend several times per week after you first meet, Myers writes.
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Why should the guidelines for starting a romantic relationship be so different?
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The time and space we spend apart enhances the time we spend together.
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We want to find a balance among time together, time alone, time with our own friends, and time with collective friends.
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In a week, you might decide to spend one night alone, three nights together, two nights with friends that you both know, and one night with your own friends.
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This gives you time together, time to decompress, time to experience other people s energy together, and time to decompress in a different way with your own friends.
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When you do this, you should tell your partner why it s important to you to structure your time this way.
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Merely saying, I need alone time, leaves them wondering what they ve done wrong.
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While saying, I need alone time because I m stressed out, gives them a chance to be supportive and understanding.
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The schedule I just shared is an example, but it gives you an idea of how to think about your own.
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Try this.
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Set a schedule.
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Together, work out how often you talk, message, and see each other.
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Find an easy rhythm and healthy ratio that works for both of you.
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Decide how you want to divvy up your free time.
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Not every week has to be the same, but when you have a sense of how you re going to spend your time, you don t feel that you re in a competition with other interests.
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Nights by yourself,
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Nights together Nights with mutual friends or family Nights with your own friends Instead of setting rhythms and routines, we often worry or wonder where the relationship is going or complain to our friends about it.
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We re afraid to have conversations with a partner because we don t want to put pressure on them or to be perceived as needy.
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But conversations about what feels right to both of you at this point are entirely appropriate.
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When you have these conversations, the other person may not respond the way you hoped.
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Their pace and commitment may be different from yours.
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This doesn t mean the relationship is doomed.
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It means you can proceed with more clarity.
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And if these topics scare someone off, you haven t made a mistake.
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You ve saved yourself the weeks and months you might otherwise have spent waiting for the relationship to play out.
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Instead of wondering why they never call, do this.
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Set a time to connect rather than leaving it up to hope or chance.
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Instead of thinking they re too busy for you, discuss how busy slash available you are in the upcoming week.
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Instead of thinking they re moving too quickly, tell them you d like to move at a slower pace, but it doesn t mean you re not interested.
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Instead of thinking they re moving too slowly, tell them you want to make sure you ve got the same aspirations.
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Instead of worrying because they haven t introduced you to their family or friends, learn about their closest relationships by asking questions and finding out who is important to them and why.
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Instead of wondering if they re seeing other people, ask them if they want to be exclusive and hear them out.
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In these conversations, you may not always like what you learn.
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If the person doesn t react or respond in the way you wanted, it doesn t mean this relationship won t work.
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It means you can move forward in one direction or another with clarity.
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Phase three, struggle and growth.
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We are meant to fall in love, be in love, and stay in love.
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But we can t do any of that if we expect every day to be Valentine s Day.
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Trouble is inevitable.
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It comes when, as a couple, we inevitably discover the various ways in which we aren t aligned.
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In phase 3, we confront those differences and disappointments and figure out if we want to put in the effort that resolving or living with them requires.
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When I was a monk, as you might imagine, we did a lot of self-reflection.
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And at one point, my teacher asked a group of us to rate how much we were struggling with our minds on a scale of 1 to 10.
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Our work was intense, and we all gave ourselves pretty high struggle ratings.
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Then he said, well, imagine if there were two minds trying to get along.
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Two different people from different households with their own beliefs, values, expectations and dreams.
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There is no way this experiment can run smoothly.
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Love means that you value your partner enough to confront difficult areas.
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Relationships are masterfully designed to annoy us.
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It s easier on your own when there s nobody around to question you or bear witness to your flaws.
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But that s not why you re in a relationship.
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Bringing awareness to your relationship is uncomfortable.
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Many couples bump up against an opportunity for realization and feel it as a burden.
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We expect love to flow naturally, but this is extremely rare and often it means that we re not taking on the tougher issues.
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We need to make mistakes, identify what we need to change and work on doing better.
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This is where we grow as individuals and together.
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Many of these challenges are simple and domestic.
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For example, in my house growing up, we ate dinner, had dessert, hung out and talked for a while, then cleaned up.
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In Radhi s house, they ate dinner, cleaned up, had dessert, and only when everything was all done would they relax into conversation.
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When we first started entertaining as a couple, after dinner Radhi would clean up on her own and I felt guilty that I wasn t helping.
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I always said that I d clean a bit later and I meant it.
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But she was locked into the ritual from her upbringing and I was locked into mine.
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Someone might say they ll clean up later and their partner might believe they re just being lazy.
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But more often differences like this originate in backgrounds, cultures and habits.
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The small hurdles are issues like, she snores.
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He s always late.
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They would rather watch TV when I want to go to a museum.
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I can t stand her best friend.
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He wants to spend every holiday at his parents  home.
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They have three cats and I m allergic.
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And there may be bigger hurdles like, he has massive student debt.
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She has a temper that scares me.
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We have a long-distance relationship, and neither of us wants to move.
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She doesn t want to have children, and I do.
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Disagreements, large and small, may challenge your confidence in your bond.
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You may feel, I thought I loved you, but... In that situation, there are three routes you can take.
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Two of them lead to important realizations.
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You can leave the relationship, in which case you realize this person doesn t suit your priorities.
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You can work through the issue together and grow, in which case you realize you re feeling positive enough about your bond to evolve together.
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Or you can stay together without changing anything, in which case you don t realize anything.
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I advise you not to make the third choice.
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This phase is very important when it comes to defining love.
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Because you either realize that something is a deal breaker for you, or that you re willing to go through the growth that facing the issue involves.
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And if it s the latter, you will come through the experience with a stronger, more resilient love.
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We will discuss relationship challenges like these in more depth in rules five and six.
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Phase 4.
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Trust After we ve overcome a challenge together, we grow.
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We learn to tolerate, adjust and adapt.
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The growth that we do together builds into trust.
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Evaluating the breadth and depth of your trust for someone is a way of understanding and defining your love in the fourth and highest phase.
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Sometimes we assume trust is binary.
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Either we trust someone or we don t.
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But trust increases gradually through actions, thoughts, and words.
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We shouldn t trust someone instantly just because they re kind to us.
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We give them our trust because little by little, day after day, we have shared more of ourselves and seen what they do with our honesty.
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all of the earlier phases build on one another to get us here.
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Trust begins with ourselves.
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We need to be trustworthy.
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This means aligning what we think, say, and do.
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When we think something, we express it, and then we carry through with the idea.
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This means we can trust ourselves.
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So if I feel like I need a night to myself, I communicate that to my partner, and then I take the time.
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I feel the benefit of the gift I ve given myself, and I trust myself to take good care of myself.
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My partner sees me following through on my ideas, observes the results, and recognizes my trustworthiness.
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Then I do the same for my partner.
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I follow through on my promises to them.
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I show them that
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I m trustworthy and in doing so inspire them to respond with an equal level of trust.
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We trust people more when they make us feel safe, when they make healthy decisions, when we feel like they conduct their life based on values that we agree with.
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To evaluate the depth and breadth of your trust for your partner, consider these three aspects, physical trust, mental trust, and emotional trust.
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Physical trust is when you feel safe and cared for in their presence.
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They want to be with you, they re present and attentive, and being around them feels good.
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Mental trust is when you trust their mind, their ideas, their thoughtfulness.
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You may not agree with every decision they make, but you trust the way they make decisions.
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Emotional trust is when you trust their values and who they are as a human.
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Do they treat you well?
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Are they supportive?
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Do you trust how they behave, not just with you, but with the other people in their life, from close friends to a waiter?
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It s okay if you don t have absolute trust for your partner across this spectrum, and they can make mistakes that challenge your trust.
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When you identify weak spots, consider how significant the weakness is.
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How does it affect you?
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If you don t trust them in areas that are important to you, you can give your partner grace and maintain trust by sharing honestly around the issues.
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It s impossible to have trust if there is dishonesty, secrets, or gaslighting.
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Trust builds very slowly and needs to be nurtured and sustained.
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Think of it as growing by percentage points.
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Each time someone thinks, says, and does the same thing, trust grows by one percentage point.
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In the beginning, you trust them to speak the truth about whom they re with and what they re doing and what they think.
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Each time they do, trust grows another point.
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Then as we ask them to understand our emotions and they listen, the points add up.
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When we share our faults, trust grows further.
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But trust fluctuates.
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If they fail to understand us, or they mislead us, or they betray us, our level of trust sinks and needs to be rebuilt.
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When we overcome a challenge together, trust grows again.
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We begin to trust them with our plans and dreams.
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And finally, we trust them enough to share our trauma with them.
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When our trust is high, we feel a love that is physically and emotionally safe and secure.
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Our partner becomes the person we turn to with good news and bad news, knowing that they ll be on our side and by our side, helping us to weather challenges and celebrate successes.
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Try this, daily trust.
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One of my favorite ways to show trust every day is to notice and recognize when someone follows through on a promise.
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Often we reward people with thanks and gratitude when they surprise us with a nice gesture.
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Your partner prepares a delicious dinner that you didn t expect and you heap on the gratitude.
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We do the same when they do something that they rarely do.
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But trust comes with quiet reliability.
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What about the partner who makes dinner for us regularly?
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We should show our appreciation for the efforts that they make daily.
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The more you reward it, the more they ll repeat it.
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And we build their trust in us the same way, by showing up.
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This week, make an effort to thank your partner for the effort and energy they consistently bring to your partnership.
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Be specific.
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Instead of saying, thanks for listening, you can say, I know I always come home and unload my emotions from work on you.
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I really appreciate how you listen and give me helpful advice.
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Love brings us through all of these phases over and over again.
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We never stop deepening our faith in each other.
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We endlessly find our attraction renewed.
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We work to remove impurities.
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Love means that we re happy to go through this cycle together.
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Now the dreams that you had in phase 2 are real.
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They may be different.
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They re probably better than anything you dared to dream.
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Instead of fantasizing in your head, you can try out new dreams together.
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Try this.
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Build realistic dreams together.
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Establish a monthly check-in.
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Commit an hour every month to talk about your relationship.
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This gives you an opportunity to reaffirm what s working and redirect what s not working.
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Identify a highlight.
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What are you grateful for?
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This helps you both know what s going well.
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Identify a challenge.
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What are you struggling with?
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This helps you see what needs work.
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Find something to work toward together this coming month.
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It could be a date night, a birthday celebration, a trip, a plan to redo a room in the home.
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You can look through our website to research a vacation you want to take.
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This way, you re building your dreams together.
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Together, you re working on how you want your relationship to look and feel.
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To experience all that relationships have to offer means facing the challenges and rewards of every stage of love.
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Sometimes people jump from relationship to relationship because they re trying to avoid the challenges that love requires.
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You could date someone new every three months and have a lot of fun.
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But there is no growth in the cycle of just flirting, hooking up, and ditching.
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It is this ongoing growth and understanding that helps us sustain the fun of love, the connection of love, the trust of love, the reward of love.
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If we never commit, we ll never get to love.
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Once in a place of trust and commitment, you and your partner reveal yourselves to each other and share more of yourselves than you allow anyone else to see.
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This exchange puts you in a unique position.
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We don t usually think of relationships in terms of learning and teaching, but that is exactly what we will explore in the next chapter.
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how to learn from and teach our partner.
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Thank you so much for listening to today.
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I really hope that I was able to help you define love.
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And I really hope that this episode brought joy into your life.
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I hope it brought some clarity into your life.
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And now as you move forward and redefine love, I hope it brings more of your definition of love into your life.
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If you don t already have the hard copy of my book or the audiobook, head over right now to 8rulesoflove.com.
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I can t wait for you to read and hear the rest.
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I once heard that more than 100 million love songs have been recorded.
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And while I have no idea if that number is accurate, it kind of makes sense.
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We re obsessed with love.
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We seek it.
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We celebrate it.
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When we lose it, we re devastated.
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And when we re in love, we feel like there s nothing else in the world.
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So if love is all you need, then why do good things often go wrong?
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Today, we re going to make sense of that.
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The next seven minutes are about you, your relationships, and thinking of love as a verb.
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I m Jay Shetty.
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Welcome to The Daily Jay.
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I know your hearts probably all a flutter, but let s start, as usual, with our deep, centering breaths.
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and exhaling, stretching up on the inhale and sinking down on the exhale, allowing your mind to relax and being present in this moment.
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Let s dive in.
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When I first met my wife Radhi, I knew she was pretty special.
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She was kind and loving towards everyone and just had this genuinely happy spirit.
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As we started dating, like most new relationships, we were both extra considerate, extra thoughtful.
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We went above and beyond to exhibit our interest in each other.
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I planned special dates, got her special gifts.
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I would drop anything for a chance to show how much she meant to me.
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Even before I had truly fallen in love with her, I acted as if she was the most important thing in my universe, and rather reciprocated completely.
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Then we evolved into a committed relationship.
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And things changed a bit.
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We settled into a comfortable routine, spending more time together, but less energy on each other.
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Maybe the date nights were a little less unique.
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Maybe I didn t always go above and beyond.
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I loved Radhi, but in reality, I demonstrated it less.
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My effort wasn t the same.
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That behavior is so common, isn t it?
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And it s made me think how the idea of love is misunderstood and misused in the modern world.
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We tend to treat love like a noun, a thing, something we possess, something we achieve.
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You can hear it in the language we use to discuss it, like, I worked hard to win her love.
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as if you re at a carnival and you finally knock down all the milk cans and you get to take home a plush tie-dye monkey which will sit on a shelf as a reminder of your accomplishment.
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Or we view it as an emotion we feel and one we expect to feel forever.
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When you say, I m in love, it s like you re physically floating in a pool or something, and you get to chill there for eternity.
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But I like to think of love as a verb, an action you do.
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Love does not merely exist.
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You don t have it, and you don t just feel it.
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Love is doing.
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Love is behaving.
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Love is constant creation, moment by moment, day after day.
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It s listening with compassion and attention.
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It s jumping to help, even if you re busy.
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It s trying a new recipe instead of something you always make.
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Most of all, it s unselfish, prioritizing someone else and keeping their best interests in mind.
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So if you love someone, show it, even more than you do when you re trying to win their affection.
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That s now what I try to do with Radhi.
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I put in the effort to love her, actively, instead of letting love be a routine or something I take for granted.
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And as our time today winds down, let s reflect a bit on love, starting with our moment of meditation.
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So get comfortable wherever you are, embracing tranquility.
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Now I d like you to bring your awareness to calm, balance,
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ease, stillness, and peace.
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Whenever your mind wanders, see if you can gently bring it back to calm, balance, ease, stillness, and peace.
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Now become aware of your natural breathing pattern.
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Don t force or pressure your breath.
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Just focus on how it feels to breathe in and out.
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Whatever you re experiencing is normal.
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Try not to judge yourself or the moment.
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Have patience and come back to the breath.
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Now let s open this up.
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Bring to mind someone you love.
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And it could be anyone you care about, not just a romantic partner.
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Reflect on how you demonstrate your care and affection.
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How could you treat love as more of a verb?
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Think of an action you could do today.
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I love taking this ride with you every day, and I m so grateful that you keep joining.
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I ll see you again tomorrow.
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A new season of Bridgerton is here.
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And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
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I m your host, Gabby Collins.
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And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the tun.
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Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
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Then fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.