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My name is Lee Hawkins.
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I ve been a journalist for over 25 years.
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On my new podcast, What Happened in Alabama, I get answers to some of the hardest questions about how things came to be for many black Americans and the truth that must come before any reconciliation can happen.
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I investigate my family history, my upbringing in Minnesota, and my father s painful nightmares about growing up in Alabama.
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What Happened in Alabama is a new series confronting the cycles of trauma for myself, my family, and for many Black Americans.
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Listen now.
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Friends, not long ago, I asked you to let me know what songs motivate you and get you going, and I must say that a lot of you have really great taste.
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Jonathan Loves I ll Take You There by The Staples Singers.
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Disco fan Sarah says Sherilyn s To Be Real.
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I love that song so much.
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It reminds me of actually my early days of going out to bars and clubs.
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Catherine claims that Mr. Blue Sky by Electric Light Orchestra has been scientifically proven to be the happiest song ever.
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SPEAKER_01
That is so interesting.
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Also, I would love to meet the scientists that were spending their time
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doing that.
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Please, if you are a scientist that worked on this experiment, get in touch.
0
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All right, we re gonna get a Spotify playlist going of all these songs, so follow Don t Ask Tig on social media so you don t miss it.
0
SPEAKER_01
Thanks to everyone who wrote in.
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Remember to get your tickets for Don t Ask Tig live on Zoom with Fortune Themester and Mae Martin.
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It s on Tuesday, September 12th, 6 p.m.
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Pacific Time, 9 p.m.
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Eastern.
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Go to DontAskTig.org slash live for tickets and information.
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And you can also see me in person on tour in the following cities.
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I ll be in Torrington, Connecticut, September 15th.
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Rochester, New York, September 16th, Wilmington, Delaware, September 17th, Colorado Springs, Colorado, September 25th, Breckenridge, Colorado, September 28th.
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I ll also be doing a European tour in October, and then Brooklyn, New York, November 4th, to tape my next stand-up special.
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Go to TigNotaro.com to get all ticket and show information.
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And one more thing, please listen to my brand new podcast, Handsome, with co-hosts Fortune Feimster and Mae Martin.
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Every week we get a question from a friend like Nina West,
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Kenan Thompson, Sarah Silverman, and Jimmy Fallon.
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So make sure to subscribe to Handsome and listen wherever you get your podcasts.
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I m off next week, but I ll be back on September 6th.
0
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Now, please enjoy the show.
0
SPEAKER_01
Well, I just remember you thought this guy was hot and you were like, Tig, I did an ad in the back of a paper.
0
SPEAKER_00
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
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SPEAKER_00
I didn t do an ad.
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SPEAKER_00
I did a Miss Connections.
0
SPEAKER_00
Okay, whatever.
0
SPEAKER_00
That s different.
0
SPEAKER_00
You re making it sound like I offered money.
0
SPEAKER_00
It was Miss Connections on Craigslist.
0
SPEAKER_00
Okay, whatever, that s an ad.
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SPEAKER_00
That s not an ad.
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SPEAKER_00
Ad implies payment.
0
SPEAKER_01
Okay, well here s what s horrifying is I ve told this story a million times and I ve told everyone that you put an ad in the paper.
0
SPEAKER_01
This is Don t Ask Tig.
0
SPEAKER_01
I m Tig Notaro.
0
SPEAKER_01
Wondering at what point old episodes of this show become advice of yesteryear.
0
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Joining me is an Emmy and Peabody award-winning writer, producer, and creator.
0
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She s the voice of Jessie in Big Mouth and has written for shows like Dead to Me and Transparent.
0
SPEAKER_01
She also show ran Showtime s I Love That for You.
0
SPEAKER_01
Her latest New York Times bestselling book is titled I ll Show Myself Out.
0
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Jessie Klein, the love of my life.
0
SPEAKER_01
Welcome to Don t Ask Tig.
0
SPEAKER_00
Fire of my loins, love of my heart.
0
SPEAKER_00
How my day has turned just seeing your little face and hearing your little voice.
0
SPEAKER_00
Thank you for having me on your pod.
0
SPEAKER_01
I m really happy to see you again.
0
SPEAKER_00
I m thrilled.
0
SPEAKER_00
It s new every time.
0
SPEAKER_01
It really is.
0
SPEAKER_01
Now, you and I came up in stand-up together decades ago.
0
SPEAKER_00
I guess you re happy to date me, so to speak.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yet decades ago, you were way more successful at it than I, but we knocked around in some of those same places.
0
SPEAKER_01
And you were also an assistant.
0
SPEAKER_01
I was.
0
SPEAKER_01
To the talent executive at Comedy Central.
0
SPEAKER_01
So you d answer the phone.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I remember whenever I would call him, my friend Jesse from the Stinky Clubs would answer.
0
SPEAKER_00
Tig is referring to our beloved Chris Young, who, yes, was my boss.
0
SPEAKER_00
It was my first real job out of college.
0
SPEAKER_00
He was specifically obsessed with you, like you were his favorite, favorite, favorite.
0
SPEAKER_00
And he had a lot of favorites.
0
SPEAKER_00
Oh, well, and knew every comedian in the country.
0
SPEAKER_00
And he was just like, Tig is the funniest.
0
SPEAKER_01
Oh.
0
SPEAKER_01
He is the best.
0
SPEAKER_01
And he is the first person that put me on the television.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I think that he actually was.
0
SPEAKER_00
But yeah, so I would do stand up at night.
0
SPEAKER_00
And then I would work at Comedy Central during the day.
0
SPEAKER_00
And it was sort of like when it s like when you see a dog holding its own leash or something, something kind of meta about it.
0
SPEAKER_00
You know that feeling you get?
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, it is so cute when you see a dog that s taken itself out for a walk.
0
SPEAKER_00
Oh, nothing.
0
SPEAKER_00
I mean, a dog in a bandana makes me as happy.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
Let s talk about your new book.
0
SPEAKER_01
I mean, you told me that you re not gay.
0
SPEAKER_01
You tell me that, first of all, every time I see you and I don t know.
0
SPEAKER_00
I lead with it and I m just trying to prove something away.
0
SPEAKER_01
Well, then what is with you writing about how you might end up marrying a woman?
0
SPEAKER_00
Yes, I wrote a chapter in my most recent book called I ll Show Myself Out called My Future Lesbian Wife, in which I just allow myself to imagine might things be a little better if I could just find a way to let love in.
0
SPEAKER_00
via that direction.
0
SPEAKER_00
Now, the update since that book was published is that my husband and I are in the midst of a divorce.
0
SPEAKER_00
Oh no, I know you liked him so much.
0
SPEAKER_01
You don t know who he is.
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SPEAKER_01
I do.
0
SPEAKER_01
I ve met your husband.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, you have met my husband.
0
SPEAKER_00
He is very nice, but we re not going to be married anymore.
0
SPEAKER_00
And it was mutual and amicable.
0
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
0
SPEAKER_00
I dropped a bomb in the middle of your podcast.
0
SPEAKER_01
Well, you know, I m sad to hear it, but happy if you re both happy.
0
SPEAKER_01
And then I think I immediately go, Oh, now I understand the chapter.
0
SPEAKER_00
All of this to say, I was noticing that I feel like I was seeing a trend amongst friends my age who are getting divorced from men and then we re pivoting to relationships with women and they all seem to be having a great time.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I know that this observation of mine is not a scientific paper.
0
SPEAKER_00
I m just saying the door could maybe be open one day.
0
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
0
SPEAKER_01
Oh my gosh, you re gonna get so many dates out of this episode.
0
SPEAKER_00
Well, why do you think I m here, Jake?
0
SPEAKER_01
I did a story in stand-up recently about how
0
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I had to be hauled out of my house in the middle of the night by this gorgeous fireman with huge muscles.
0
SPEAKER_01
And it felt so good in his arms.
0
SPEAKER_01
I was like, oh my gosh.
0
SPEAKER_01
And so I understand.
0
SPEAKER_01
Like what I say to the audience is,
0
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It can go every which way, attraction of people or an openness to hop the fence, like no judgment, anybody.
0
SPEAKER_00
You never know.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I will say the one thing that keeps me thinking I ve got some straight left in me is that I did not have to get hauled out by a fireman, but I did buckle up.
0
SPEAKER_00
I did recently have my first ever colonoscopy.
0
SPEAKER_00
I was on the gurney in the little waiting area, and then they re like, okay, Robert s gonna wheel you into the thing.
0
SPEAKER_00
And Robert, I think is kind of like your muscly fireman.
0
SPEAKER_00
It s just like a hot, super strong male nurse.
0
SPEAKER_01
Are you slightly on drugs at this point?
0
SPEAKER_01
And by the way, you don t have to say male nurse.
0
SPEAKER_00
I think you know I do.
0
SPEAKER_00
Wait till I tell you about the female doctor.
0
SPEAKER_01
Oh, my gosh.
0
SPEAKER_01
I was on a flight that had a female pilot.
0
SPEAKER_01
I... Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
I do need to know if you had a female pilot.
0
SPEAKER_00
It s really rare.
0
SPEAKER_01
Uh-huh.
0
SPEAKER_00
Anyways, Robert was so hot and was so sweet and so tattooed, and I was like, ugh.
0
SPEAKER_01
You like tattoos?
0
SPEAKER_00
Sometimes.
0
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
0
SPEAKER_00
It just felt nice to have this big, strong man wheel me in my gurney.
0
SPEAKER_00
It was like being pushed in a stroller.
0
SPEAKER_00
I just felt...
0
SPEAKER_00
It felt nice.
0
SPEAKER_00
And that s what s sexy.
0
SPEAKER_00
It was so sexy.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
The love of my life is in this stroller.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
And then he had to put that thing in my mouth because they were also going to do, um, God, you re like, can the podcast get any sexier?
0
SPEAKER_00
What s it called when they have to put it to tracheotomy?
0
SPEAKER_00
No, no, no.
0
SPEAKER_00
When they re, they also have to put a tube down your throat to check your esophagus.
0
SPEAKER_01
Wait, they just put like a loop through your... No, it didn t loop.
0
SPEAKER_00
Jake, it wasn t a loop.
0
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
0
SPEAKER_00
It s two separate tubes.
0
SPEAKER_00
Anyways, take what other questions you have.
0
SPEAKER_01
That was really it.
0
SPEAKER_01
I was just curious how your sexuality was going and your colonoscopy.
0
SPEAKER_00
Interested in women and Robert.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
0
SPEAKER_00
Colonoscopy.
0
SPEAKER_01
Same.
0
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I m happily married and really, really thinking about this fireman that carried me in his arms.
0
SPEAKER_00
Don t you feel embarrassed when you see a fireman though and you re like, they re just, it feels like such a cliche to find them so hot, but it s not really on us because they just keep being so hot.
0
SPEAKER_01
I know.
0
SPEAKER_01
It is really not our fault.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s these guys showing up in suspenders and rubber boots.
0
SPEAKER_01
How are we possibly?
0
SPEAKER_01
Now, should I be asking, are you okay?
0
SPEAKER_01
I m fine, but if you think the past 10 years have been smooth sailing, you re wrong.
0
SPEAKER_00
Why, did something happen to you?
0
SPEAKER_01
I m just kidding.
0
SPEAKER_01
Did you have an experience?
0
SPEAKER_01
Nothing has happened to me.
0
SPEAKER_00
Oh, right.
0
SPEAKER_00
The thing.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, it s just it s just been sailing along like ice.
0
SPEAKER_01
Now, there is an essay where you talk about creating little books as the tool to help your son.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
0
SPEAKER_01
Deal with transitions.
0
SPEAKER_01
Tell me about these.
0
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
0
SPEAKER_00
People have told me, it makes me very happy.
0
SPEAKER_00
People have told me that they use this tool, that it worked.
0
SPEAKER_00
I wanted to come right out and say, I am not the creator of this tool.
0
SPEAKER_00
Our lovely preschool director had taught me about this thing that you can do if you re about to go through any kind of potentially challenging little experience for your child.
0
SPEAKER_00
She was like, you just make a little book for them about it in advance.
0
SPEAKER_00
And like, you know, me, I was like 20 pages.
0
SPEAKER_00
She s like, no girl, we re talking six sentences or whatever, but it s a little book and you just break down into the simplest possible terms.
0
SPEAKER_00
Like what is going to happen if it s like moving to a new house, it s like, this is our house.
0
SPEAKER_00
We re going to move out of it.
0
SPEAKER_00
This is a picture of our new house.
0
SPEAKER_00
And then here s the key to every, to all of the little books is you say, what s going to be the same and what s going to be different.
0
SPEAKER_00
and why it s all gonna be okay.
0
SPEAKER_00
And when she told me about this, I realized I just want someone to make little books for me.
0
SPEAKER_00
Like that s all any of us ever need is to know what will be the same, what will be different, how will it all be okay.
0
SPEAKER_00
And so I ve made little books for him about like when we were gonna go on an airplane for the first time.
0
SPEAKER_00
It was like, we re gonna do this and we re gonna do this and then we re gonna land there and you know, you leave out the like, hopefully we ll get there safely.
0
SPEAKER_00
But I ve made them for planes.
0
SPEAKER_00
I made them when he had to have a little adenoid tonsil surgery.
0
SPEAKER_01
But of course, this is also for you, basically.
0
SPEAKER_00
It s mainly for me.
0
SPEAKER_00
Mainly for me.
0
SPEAKER_00
But it did sort of create a little psychological shift in the way I deal with my own anxiety.
0
SPEAKER_00
Sometimes I have to kind of walk myself through a little book.
0
SPEAKER_00
But it really works with kids.
0
SPEAKER_00
It s kind of wild how well it works.
0
SPEAKER_01
all joking aside can see it well it makes me think about just being in conversation with a kid or your partner or whoever it might be a co-worker that it is helpful to say here this is coming up or this change might be happening and here s how it s going to be the same and here s how it s going to be different that s so
0
SPEAKER_01
Simple and so helpful.
0
SPEAKER_01
I m sure.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
I mean, I am, um, I would say, uh, genetically really wired to not like surprises.
0
SPEAKER_00
Um, we all just want to have a sense, a little bit of what s coming.
0
SPEAKER_00
Um, so, you know, it s like Robert wheeling me into that gurney.
0
SPEAKER_00
So there s going to be a tube down your throat and a tube up your ass.
0
SPEAKER_01
I never got my fireman s name.
0
SPEAKER_01
So all he is, is like, I know.
0
SPEAKER_00
Could you track him down?
0
SPEAKER_01
I probably could.
0
SPEAKER_00
Write him a thank you?
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
If I looked up my medical record and just was like, who, let me see who carried me out of the house.
0
SPEAKER_00
Or your local fire department, like your local firehouse?
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I guess when I have some free time, I will.
0
SPEAKER_00
Wait, but can I tell you for real?
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
When my son was like a little over one year old, he had a febrile seizure, which is like, I don t know.
0
SPEAKER_00
I hope your kids didn t have it.
0
SPEAKER_00
It s not serious.
0
SPEAKER_00
It s like just very scary.
0
SPEAKER_00
And it s something that happens to little kids.
0
SPEAKER_00
where their fever gets too high too fast and they have a seizure and it s terrifying, but ultimately meaningless.
0
SPEAKER_00
They re fine.
0
SPEAKER_00
But when it s happening, it s so scary.
0
SPEAKER_00
Anyway, this happened to our child.
0
SPEAKER_00
We thought, oh my God, this is the end.
0
SPEAKER_00
We call 911 and firemen came.
0
SPEAKER_00
I was too anxious to
0
SPEAKER_01
notice check them out.
0
SPEAKER_00
But but they were all so amazing.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I rode in the back of the ambulance with one of them.
0
SPEAKER_00
Anyways, we were so grateful to how great they were that we and we knew they came from our local firehouse that we like took our son to like find them and we brought them like a gift basket.
0
SPEAKER_00
That s so sweet.
0
SPEAKER_00
Months later, and we re just they were the best firemen are the best.
0
SPEAKER_01
I think it d be a little awkward if I showed up, you know, looking the way I do with a basket.
0
SPEAKER_00
Because there s not a little boy who also wants to see a big fire engine.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s just me.
0
SPEAKER_00
Tig, I think you should do it.
0
SPEAKER_01
But this happened in like 2019 or something.
0
SPEAKER_00
Oh, it s that long ago?
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
So if I hunted him down and brought him a basket and was like, here.
0
SPEAKER_00
I bet he d love it.
0
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
0
SPEAKER_00
I don t think it s ever too late for a thank you.
0
SPEAKER_01
Oh, I don t, I don t either.
0
SPEAKER_00
I just feel like it would be, you just feel like you re too busy to go like thank the fireman that saved your life.
0
SPEAKER_00
Just too many like cool, like standup dates coming up to go.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yes, indeed.
0
SPEAKER_01
Cool.
0
SPEAKER_00
Cool.
0
SPEAKER_00
Cool.
0
SPEAKER_00
Cool.
0
SPEAKER_00
Cool.
0
SPEAKER_00
Cool.
0
SPEAKER_00
Cool.
0
SPEAKER_01
But I don t know that he remembers me.
0
SPEAKER_00
Or maybe he s moved on to another firehouse.
0
SPEAKER_00
OK, fair enough.
0
SPEAKER_00
Just saying.
0
SPEAKER_00
Sounds like one of us went out of the way to thank them and someone else.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, well, there you go.
0
SPEAKER_00
Kind of sexualized them in their memory forever.
0
SPEAKER_01
Classic Tig.
0
SPEAKER_00
Classic Tig.
0
SPEAKER_00
Objectified and moved on.
0
SPEAKER_01
Well, and speaking of moving on, do you enjoy giving advice?
0
SPEAKER_01
Do people go to you for advice?
0
SPEAKER_00
Do people go to me for advice?
0
SPEAKER_00
You know, it s really shining a light on the fact that I think the answer is no.
0
SPEAKER_00
But I do love to give it when asked.
0
SPEAKER_00
OK, I m ready.
0
SPEAKER_01
Jesse, the first question was sent in from a listener with a creative block.
0
SPEAKER_00
Okay, this is my area.
0
SPEAKER_00
Let s hear it.
0
SPEAKER_01
Allison writes, hi guys, I was wondering if you have any tips for breaking out of a creative funk.
0
SPEAKER_01
I ve considered myself a writer practically my whole life, but my inspiration has been down and my anxiety has been way up.
0
SPEAKER_01
I want to get back to writing again, but it s hard to come up with any great ideas.
0
SPEAKER_01
Do you have any advice for this particular issue?
0
SPEAKER_01
I would be honored to hear it.
0
SPEAKER_01
Thank you so much in advance. 
0
SPEAKER_01
This sounds like a very nice, earnest person that s having a struggle.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
Do you have anything out of the gate?
0
SPEAKER_00
I feel like I have two thoughts that are kind of opposing, but they re the two strategies that I kind of try to employ.
0
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
0
SPEAKER_00
I think very famously, like you re just, the general advice about this is like, you ve got to just force yourself to sit and it s like going to the gym and do the, I don t know what Allison writes, but you just set a time and at 1030 every day, you re going to sit and try to at least like free write or just write
1
SPEAKER_00
blah, blah, blah for like an hour.
1
SPEAKER_00
And that will help.
1
SPEAKER_00
And the earlier in the morning, the better.
1
SPEAKER_00
Although I also do think it s good to try to exercise a little in the morning before you write.
1
SPEAKER_00
I find it s helpful.
1
SPEAKER_00
The equal and opposing piece of advice is that sometimes you also just have to walk away and stop trying, I think, for a little while and go do something else.
1
SPEAKER_01
For sure.
1
SPEAKER_00
And let things just sort of marinate in the back for a while.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
What do you do, Tig, when you re stuck?
1
SPEAKER_01
I really allow myself to take a break.
1
SPEAKER_01
I also think there really is something to just kind of being alone, thinking, and not being bombarded by people and work or even
1
SPEAKER_01
social engagements to just really spend some time alone, even if it s taking a walk.
1
SPEAKER_01
A lot of people, they have to put headphones in or they have to be looking at their phone when they re alone.
1
SPEAKER_01
But if you make yourself go take a walk and you don t have anything coming in, you re just alone thinking.
1
SPEAKER_01
I find that so helpful.
1
SPEAKER_01
Whenever I come back from a walk or a bike ride, I m so active.
1
SPEAKER_01
After skydiving and going to the moon, I feel so inspired.
1
SPEAKER_01
I have a good friend who is a writer, and what she does when she wakes up in the morning, she has her coffee and sits next to her bookshelf and just pulls a book off and starts reading.
1
SPEAKER_01
She doesn t start from the beginning.
1
SPEAKER_01
She just grabs anybody s book,
1
SPEAKER_01
opens to any chapter and just starts reading, and she ll read for a half hour, hour, and then she said that gets her inspiration going without putting the pressure on, oh, I m going to sit down.
1
SPEAKER_01
This is the book I m reading.
1
SPEAKER_01
You know, these are books that maybe she s already read.
1
SPEAKER_01
She just pulls it off the shelf and just starts reading.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s really cool.
1
SPEAKER_00
I ve never thought about doing that.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m going to try it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I think it s such a great idea.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then she said kind of inevitably, after reading somebody else s material, she ll kind of get her own head going.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, that s great.
1
SPEAKER_00
I do think like letting in something that you haven t read or watched or just taking in like other people s work for fun.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, that s how, like, I m such a fan of Maria Bamford.
1
SPEAKER_01
And when I... Oh, my gosh.
1
SPEAKER_01
She s just... I feel embarrassed that I call myself a stand-up.
1
SPEAKER_01
You know, when I see her kill or even if I see her bomb, I m like, she is flawless to me.
1
SPEAKER_00
Flawless.
1
SPEAKER_00
No notes on Maria.
1
SPEAKER_01
No notes.
1
SPEAKER_01
I mean, how?
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t understand.
1
SPEAKER_01
If you re alive on this planet,
1
SPEAKER_00
a perfect human.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
And so when I see her, I have that simultaneous feeling of, I am the worst comedian alive.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then it immediately kicks me into gear of like, I got to work harder.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
On my writing.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I feel that would stand up to all the time.
1
SPEAKER_00
I mean, I don t really do stand up anymore.
1
SPEAKER_00
But I remember that feeling when you see people who are just so good.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I feel that you re like, I m so jealous.
1
SPEAKER_00
But you also get so many ideas.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, watching them.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
So anyway, Allison, writer to writer, that s what Jesse Klein and I think.
1
SPEAKER_01
Good luck.
1
SPEAKER_00
Good luck, Allison.
1
SPEAKER_01
Jesse, don t go anywhere.
1
SPEAKER_01
We re going to take a break and return shortly with more questions.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m Ben Nadafafri, host of the history show The Last Archive, and I want to tell you about a new series we re running in our feed.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s called The Deadline, six essays written and read by Jill Lepore, the New Yorker writer, American historian, and founding host of our show.
1
SPEAKER_02
These are incredible essays on everything from the history of cryogenics to the Silicon Valley gospel of disruption.
1
SPEAKER_02
And at the end of each essay, I interview Jill about her craft as a writer.
1
SPEAKER_02
You can listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
1
SPEAKER_01
And we re back.
1
SPEAKER_01
Jessie, our second question was sent from Anna.
1
SPEAKER_01
Anna writes, I inherited some of my mom s jewelry, a diamond necklace and a diamond and sapphire ring.
1
SPEAKER_01
They are beautiful and I- Must be nice.
1
SPEAKER_00
Go on.
1
SPEAKER_01
Hello, girl.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, my gosh.
1
SPEAKER_01
They are beautiful, and I would like to wear them.
1
SPEAKER_01
However, I don t know how.
1
SPEAKER_01
My husband and I are not fancy folk, and my days include taking my daughter to the bus stop, going to the grocery store, et cetera.
1
SPEAKER_01
It seems odd to don diamonds in my leggings and sweatshirt while doing these tasks.
1
SPEAKER_01
What do I do?
1
SPEAKER_00
I love that Anna s thinking so hard about this and is thinking about how she s presenting in the world.
1
SPEAKER_00
And also again, congratulations on inheriting this jewelry.
1
SPEAKER_00
I always feel, and I also really do think it s like nice that she wrote in and asked because I feel very embarrassed thinking about like questions about fashion.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I feel like I ve always struggled in that area.
1
SPEAKER_00
But it seems to me that everybody s rocking a high-low moment these days, Anna, and a diamond with a sweat pant is exactly what some of our most celebrated clothing-wearing people are doing.
1
SPEAKER_00
I say yes.
1
SPEAKER_00
Just do it as is.
1
SPEAKER_01
I also think that if you don t feel like you have the relationship or comfort with dressing like or wearing that with your husband,
1
SPEAKER_01
Maybe you have a friend that you could get dazzled together.
1
SPEAKER_01
Is that right?
1
SPEAKER_01
Bedazzled?
1
SPEAKER_00
BEDAZZLED.
1
SPEAKER_01
Bejeweled.
1
SPEAKER_01
I could see that being really fun to have, like, a night out with fancy... Footloose fancy-free?
1
SPEAKER_01
...clothing, diamond earrings, sapphire ring, you know, and head out with a friend.
1
SPEAKER_01
If your husband s like, oh, I m gonna be dressed like Adam Sandler every day and night, you know?
1
SPEAKER_01
Bless.
1
SPEAKER_01
And fine, but if you want to head out with a friend that maybe wants to bedazzle it up with you, that s another option.
1
SPEAKER_00
The other thing, just to also shout out to a jeweler who I love.
1
SPEAKER_00
I don t know how, Anna, you feel about the exact details of the jewelry you ve inherited, but you know, sometimes you can get beautiful stones you ve inherited reset into perhaps a more modern or casual setting.
1
SPEAKER_00
And there s a woman named Catherine Bentley.
1
SPEAKER_01
Hello, Catherine.
1
SPEAKER_00
Who does beautiful custom work resetting, like someone might ve gotten a slightly stuffy diamond ring from a grandmother or a great aunt, and she can modernize it for you in a way that might make it more easy to wear on a day-to-day basis.
1
SPEAKER_00
She s very nice.
1
SPEAKER_01
And is she from the Bentley car family?
1
SPEAKER_00
She also makes Bentley cars.
1
SPEAKER_00
She invented the Bentley car and she works on them most of the time.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay, so if that s in your price range, Anna, let us know how this goes.
1
SPEAKER_01
Jessie s got great taste.
1
SPEAKER_01
If you could see her right now, she s the one to listen to, all right?
1
SPEAKER_00
Literally in a sweatshirt, but also wearing some shoes.
1
SPEAKER_01
And has her earbuds hanging below her chin.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s what I was told to do.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, thanks for writing in.
1
SPEAKER_01
Jessie, this next question is from a listener in Seattle.
1
SPEAKER_01
Jessica writes, I ve been married for 16 years to a wonderful man who is incapable of planning anything special for my birthday or Mother s Day.
1
SPEAKER_01
He gets stressed at even the suggestion that I d like him to do anything, but even a few small gestures would mean a lot.
1
SPEAKER_01
How do I get him to do a few special things on these days?
1
SPEAKER_01
So I don t have to continue feeling disappointed when they roll around.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, Jessica, I ve got strong feelings about this one.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, see, I don t have any feelings.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, but you felt that way coming into the podcast.
1
SPEAKER_00
Here s my strong feeling.
1
SPEAKER_00
Plan it yourself, girl.
1
SPEAKER_00
I just think a lot of men, maybe and some people in addition to men, people, men struggle in this area.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I think I have kind of taken the reins over saying what I want.
1
SPEAKER_00
for my occasions.
1
SPEAKER_00
Even when I was with my husband, who is really, he is a good guy and very generous, but I would do so much for his birthdays and holidays.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I just wasn t getting what I wanted.
1
SPEAKER_00
And not that I wanted that much, but now
1
SPEAKER_00
Bentley.
1
SPEAKER_00
This is how I met the Bentleys.
1
SPEAKER_00
I just think you, if there s something you want as a gift or a gesture, you can just tell him what you want.
1
SPEAKER_00
I think tell him what to do if he s feeling anxiety, maybe just give him that guidance and then you get what you want.
1
SPEAKER_00
He doesn t feel stressed or worried about what to do.
1
SPEAKER_00
He s been given marching orders and maybe you just have to let go of the idea that it s going to be a surprise.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I was gonna say, I think if you remove that element of you want that surprise, it s probably gonna continue to let you down.
1
SPEAKER_01
I remember I was in a relationship and I felt very much like I could not possibly live up to or give her what was needed.
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_01
I remember my therapist saying,
1
SPEAKER_01
If you picture a pie chart and one partner is giving 75%, then there s really kind of only room for 25% to be given.
1
SPEAKER_00
Interesting.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
That you re taking, by giving so much, taking up the space for your partner to occupy, giving-wise?
1
SPEAKER_01
Possibly.
1
SPEAKER_01
I mean, that s what he s... I just thought it was an interesting perspective because I felt like
1
SPEAKER_01
my girlfriend at the time, obviously very generous.
1
SPEAKER_00
Obviously.
1
SPEAKER_01
And well, I mean, she did everything.
1
SPEAKER_01
Like if I had people over for a dinner, she would redo her fireplace and she would do, you know, have her landscaping redone.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m a little bit exaggerating, but
1
SPEAKER_01
you know, she was like, oh, I can t have people coming over.
1
SPEAKER_01
And it was kind of like more about her with how her house looked and stuff.
1
SPEAKER_01
But I was always like, I just want some friends to come over and have some pizza.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then when it was time to give her something or do something, I felt like I couldn t really do what she was doing.
1
SPEAKER_00
Because she had created sort of a level of like perfectionism around the giving and you maybe weren t going to.
1
SPEAKER_00
Hit it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t know either.
1
SPEAKER_01
I mean, I ve never made anyone happy It just made me think about that and I was curious what your feeling was with the when somebody gives X amount There s only room for this amount all jokes aside.
1
SPEAKER_00
I really have to think about that one I m gonna drag that one back to the nest after the pod and get back to you in like 12 months Okay.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well
1
SPEAKER_01
Anyway, Jessica, starting now, your husband has about nine months to start planning for Mother s Day, so let s hope he steps up.
1
SPEAKER_01
We re gonna be taking a quick break to answer a question that came in our Therapy Etiquette inbox.
1
SPEAKER_01
This segment is where we answer those awkward questions we all have as people getting the professional help we need and deserve, and is sponsored by BetterHelp.
1
SPEAKER_01
Today s question was sent in from a listener named Andrea.
1
SPEAKER_01
Andrea writes, I ve been feeling attracted to my therapist for the last few months.
1
SPEAKER_01
I ve done some Googling and it seems like it s a pretty common phenomenon.
1
SPEAKER_01
My question is, should I address it with my therapist or just wait it out?
1
SPEAKER_01
Hey, Andrea, thanks for reaching out and being open about this.
1
SPEAKER_01
Like you said, feeling attracted to your therapist is
1
SPEAKER_01
Indeed a common experience.
1
SPEAKER_01
Therapy is an intimate process and that can cause feelings like attraction that may not be comfortable for you to feel.
1
SPEAKER_01
The good news is that your therapist is trained to deal with situations exactly like this.
1
SPEAKER_01
By addressing this with your therapist, once you re ready, you re going to be able to have a conversation that will be helpful for you as a patient and for the therapist as an experienced professional.
1
SPEAKER_01
I think having an open and honest conversation about your feelings can be beneficial for both of you, you and your therapist.
1
SPEAKER_01
If you trust them with your innermost thoughts, then you can trust them with this too, I think.
1
SPEAKER_01
If you re worried about what to say, remember that you can always just journal about it or write out your thoughts in advance.
1
SPEAKER_01
But remember that therapists are bound by professional ethics, which include maintaining boundaries and prioritizing your well-being.
1
SPEAKER_01
They won t judge you for having these feelings, but they will work with you to ensure the therapeutic relationship remains focused on your growth and healing.
1
SPEAKER_01
So again, it might be embarrassing, but you re human and this kind of thing does happen.
1
SPEAKER_01
I hope that helps, Andrea.
1
SPEAKER_01
And as always, thank you to our therapy etiquette sponsor, BetterHelp.
1
SPEAKER_01
If you have any questions about the unspoken rules of therapy etiquette, share them with us by calling 833-275-8444 or visiting DontAskTig.org slash contact.
1
SPEAKER_01
And now, back to the show.
1
SPEAKER_01
Jessie, our last segment involves two questions, and it s called Best Advice, Worst Advice.
1
SPEAKER_01
What is the best advice you ve ever been given?
1
SPEAKER_00
I feel like over the years I ve been given a lot of good advice.
1
SPEAKER_00
The one thing that for whatever reason is popping into my head right now, it s a little business specific, but I do think it could apply to all of life.
1
SPEAKER_00
When everyone around you is telling you to like speed up to make a decision, like we need an answer on something, like, and here s all the reasons why you have to give it to us right away.
1
SPEAKER_00
It is like the exact moment that you need to slow down.
1
SPEAKER_00
Just listen to yourself.
1
SPEAKER_00
Don t let yourself get rushed into saying yes or no to things.
1
SPEAKER_00
In fact, just the more you re getting rushed to do it, the more you have to say, I can t be rushed.
1
SPEAKER_00
It was very helpful advice.
1
SPEAKER_00
I feel like it comes into play every so often in my life and I think about that piece of advice.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s great.
1
SPEAKER_01
What s the worst advice you ve ever been given?
1
SPEAKER_00
Do you have one while I think about mine?
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, I always go to, you know, in the days of, as we ve mentioned, the little angel in the world, Chris Young.
1
SPEAKER_01
Sweet pea.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, little sweet pea of a human.
1
SPEAKER_01
I had so much support from him, but I got so much feedback
1
SPEAKER_01
from the rest of the comedy business world that I was too low-key, and that I remember submitting my stand-up to somebody to potentially be my manager, and his response was that, nobody s gonna tune in to see Tig on a Thursday in prime time.
1
SPEAKER_01
You re gonna end up being a TV writer.
1
SPEAKER_01
You ll be behind the scenes.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I remember thinking, okay, well, I guess that s my future because he knows how things go, even though that s not really my interest or passion.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I just thought, well, I ll just keep doing stand-up until I have to do what I actually am not passionate about.
1
SPEAKER_00
Until that Thursday rolls around.
1
Yeah.
1
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
F*** right off.
1
SPEAKER_01
I just kept doing stand-up and then, you know, now I have a podcast.
1
SPEAKER_00
I mean, you have a bit more than that.
1
SPEAKER_00
I have given some terrible advice.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, I m sure.
1
SPEAKER_00
I have two stories that I do love to tell.
1
SPEAKER_01
Let s hear them.
1
SPEAKER_00
Everyone get your coffee.
1
SPEAKER_00
Settling.
1
SPEAKER_00
Buckle up.
1
SPEAKER_00
No, they re similar stories.
1
SPEAKER_00
I ll just tell them quickly.
1
SPEAKER_00
I and I will say no slow down Take your own advice This comes from me having grown up in a very risk-averse household.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh parents who were
1
SPEAKER_00
I had come from there a lot of struggle and just wanted me to be okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so I m just to say like, and it took forever for me to like jump off of my comedy central golden handcuffs train.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I just saw the world through this lens.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
So when I was younger, my best friend s little sister was very good friends with Claire Danes.
1
SPEAKER_00
You may have heard of her.
1
SPEAKER_01
I am familiar.
1
SPEAKER_00
So we would like, she was like in our friend group.
1
SPEAKER_00
We were like 12, 13 years old.
1
SPEAKER_00
Maybe I m 15.
1
SPEAKER_00
She s 12.
1
SPEAKER_00
Anyways, she, we were, I remember we were all sitting around at a diner and we were talking about what we wanted to be when we grew up.
1
SPEAKER_01
And Claire, you re 12 sitting in a diner.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_01
Is that weird?
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_01
I guess I just picture, you know, people, I don t know, having runny eggs and drinking black coffee.
1
SPEAKER_00
We would just go after school and we would just sit and hang out for four hours.
1
SPEAKER_00
Anyways, New York City, I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_00
Little Claire, little me, and we re going on saying what we want to be.
1
SPEAKER_00
And Claire goes, I
2
SPEAKER_01
I think I want to be an actor.
2
SPEAKER_01
And she was already, you know, was taking classes and doing stuff, but had not yet become Claire Knips.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I was like, Claire, that s really nice, but I just, and you should try, but I do think you need to have a good plan B.
2
SPEAKER_01
told that to Claire Danes.
2
SPEAKER_02
Are you still in touch with Claire?
2
SPEAKER_01
Would you believe?
2
SPEAKER_01
No.
2
SPEAKER_01
Then in college, freshman year, I went to Vassar College and freshman year, excuse us, Meryl also went there.
2
SPEAKER_01
So did Lisa Kudrow.
2
SPEAKER_01
But
2
SPEAKER_01
Freshman year, Mark Ronson, another name you might be familiar with.
2
SPEAKER_01
Very celebrated DJ, music producer, multiple Grammys.
2
SPEAKER_02
For sure.
2
SPEAKER_02
Lovely.
2
SPEAKER_02
You came up with these people, with Meryl and Ronson, the graduating class.
2
SPEAKER_01
the graduating class, Ronson couldn t have been nicer.
2
SPEAKER_01
We were not close, close friends, but everyone knew him, popular guy, lovely.
2
SPEAKER_01
Then at the end of freshman year, he announces he s dropping out and he s going to go give just being in music a try.
2
SPEAKER_02
You gave him advice too?
2
SPEAKER_01
I was like, Mark, I wish you the best.
2
SPEAKER_01
But I don t know, I m just concerned.
2
SPEAKER_01
I feel like you should finish the four years.
2
SPEAKER_02
Are you being serious?
2
SPEAKER_02
What a nerd that you re going around... What a nerd!
2
SPEAKER_02
The worst!
2
SPEAKER_02
Nerd alert!
2
SPEAKER_02
The worst!
2
SPEAKER_02
You re going around telling everyone... Everyone, it s just like, you know, maybe just have like a lot... Were you answering Chris Young s phone and telling everyone to go find something else to do?
2
SPEAKER_01
It s just so crazy!
2
SPEAKER_02
Fat chance, okay?
2
SPEAKER_01
two different true artists of our time.
2
SPEAKER_02
I love that you re answering Chris Young s phone and denying yourself your own career in stand-up, because you re like, I ve got my plan B, okay?
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I want to do comedy, but I m answering phones, okay?
2
SPEAKER_01
So, well, okay, in my case, I truly just needed the money.
2
SPEAKER_01
However, I do, it s wild to think about the fact that I had two encounters with two true geniuses.
2
SPEAKER_02
And you re just going around telling everyone no.
2
SPEAKER_01
No, not everyone.
2
SPEAKER_01
Just those two specific people.
2
SPEAKER_02
I can t wait to talk to Maria Bamford, see what you told her.
2
SPEAKER_01
You know what?
2
SPEAKER_01
I never told Maria Bamford to do that.
2
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s so embarrassing, but I figured I would share that with all of these people.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s awful.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s humiliating to think about it, and that s why I have to tell her.
2
SPEAKER_02
And have you run into Mark?
2
SPEAKER_02
Are you still in touch with Mark?
2
SPEAKER_01
No, I was never really friends with Mark, and we re not in sync.
2
SPEAKER_01
Nor were you with Claire, and you re still... I was with Claire.
2
SPEAKER_01
I was with Claire.
2
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_01
We were all hanging out.
2
SPEAKER_01
We grew up in Soho.
2
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, when I see Claire... What a... I mean, what a great actress.
2
SPEAKER_01
What a great actress, and, I mean, at such a young age.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, my gosh.
2
SPEAKER_02
You know what you should do?
2
SPEAKER_02
You should write a movie, cast her in it, and have Mark do the music.
2
SPEAKER_01
I have a feeling it might already be happening.
2
SPEAKER_01
Didn t he just, he just did the music for some little independent movie that I think is called Barbie.
2
SPEAKER_02
Well, that s all he could ever hope for is doing little music for indie film.
2
SPEAKER_01
Little indie film called Barbie.
2
SPEAKER_02
Jessi, I have to tell you, which I tell you whenever I see you, I love you so much.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I am so thankful that you did my show.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh, Tig, I love you.
2
SPEAKER_01
So thank you for having me.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m so thrilled to have done this with you today.
2
SPEAKER_01
And we ll just see what kinds of romantic propositions I get.
2
SPEAKER_02
I know I m excited for you.
2
SPEAKER_02
And is there anything you would like to mention?
2
SPEAKER_02
No,
2
SPEAKER_02
Any from just your books and all the television shows and yeah, okay Well, bye and read everything Jesse Klein and I love you dearly not queerly Not queerly not yet.
2
SPEAKER_00
No.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
All right.
2
SPEAKER_02
All right, Jesse.
2
SPEAKER_02
Bye.
2
SPEAKER_02
Bye.
2
SPEAKER_00
Bye.
2
SPEAKER_00
Bye
2
SPEAKER_03
so much I want you to see.
2
SPEAKER_03
I wish that I could give you the answers.
2
SPEAKER_03
I wish that I could make you believe.
2
SPEAKER_03
I wish that I could put you on your path and set you free.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s what you ll
2
SPEAKER_02
Don t Ask Tig is hosted by me, Tig Notaro.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s produced by Thomas Ouellette and Shana Deloria.
2
SPEAKER_02
Our executive producer and editor is Beth Perlman.
2
SPEAKER_02
Engineering and sound mixing by Alex Simpson and Josh Savageau.
2
SPEAKER_02
Digital production by James Napoli.
2
SPEAKER_02
Talent booking by Marianne Ways.
2
SPEAKER_02
Production support from Maria Wurtele and Lou Barron.
2
SPEAKER_02
Our theme music is Friend and Tig by Edie Burkell and Kyle Crusham, and Listen to Your Heart by Edie Burkell.
2
SPEAKER_02
Special thanks to Hunter Seidman.
2
SPEAKER_02
APM Studios executives in charge are Chandra Cavati, Alex Schaffert, and Joanne Griffith.
2
SPEAKER_02
Concept developed by Tracy Mumford.
2
SPEAKER_02
Our executive consultant is Dean Capello and Gobsmack Studios.
2
SPEAKER_02
You can always ask for advice at DontAskTig.org.
2
SPEAKER_02
Just write in with your problem or send us a voice memo.
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SPEAKER_02
Remember to follow us on social media at DontAskTig.
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DontAskTig is a production of American Public Media.
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And as always, thanks Dana, and I ll tell Becky.
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I m Christina Cauterucci, and this season on Slow Burn.
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It s called Proposition 6.
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The Briggs Initiative.
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John Briggs is going to fire every gay and lesbian schoolteacher in California.
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With so much at stake, young people became activists.
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We can t let this happen in California.
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And activists became leaders.
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My name is Harvey Milk and I m here to include you.
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Slow Burn, Season 9.
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Gays Against Briggs.
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Out now, wherever you listen.