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 This is episode number 1,213 with Marissa Peer.
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Welcome to the School of Greatness.
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My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur.
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And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness.
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Thanks for spending some time with me today.
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Now let the class begin.
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 Welcome back, my friend.
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Today's guest is Marissa Peer, and she is the creator of Rapid Transformational Therapy, and is a best-selling author, relationship therapist, hypnotherapist trainer, and motivational speaker.
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And she has spent over 30 years working with people, including royalty, rock stars.
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 actors, Olympic athletes, CEOs, and so many others.
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She's written a new book called Tell Yourself a Better Lie.
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Use the power of rapid transformational therapy to edit your story and rewrite your life.
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I'm such a fan of this topic because there are so many stories that we've told ourselves that hold us back from actually going after what we want or just feeling better about the moment.
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 So in this episode, we discuss how the lies you tell yourself are holding you back constantly, how to reshape your thoughts to begin loving yourself more, the three steps to actually manifesting change in your life, how to bridge the gap between recognizing you need to heal and then actually healing, how to put yourself first and instead of always being a people pleaser and so much more.
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And if you've enjoyed this at the end, please share this with a friend that you think would be inspired by this message as well.
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 And if this is your first time, then welcome to the school of greatness.
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Please click the subscribe button right now over on Apple podcast or Spotify or wherever you're listening to this episode and leave us a review at the end of this episode.
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We have incredible guests and content every single week.
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So we hope to see you back here more frequently.
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 And I want to give a shout out to the fan of the week who is from Carmen.
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They left a review over on Apple podcast saying, thank you for changing people's lives.
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This is the education we need to feel good about ourselves.
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Carmen, I was telling a friend the other day on why I created the school of greatness and I told them that
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 I wish they would have taught me these things growing up in school because I just struggled so much in school and I tested very poorly.
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It was hard for me to remember and comprehend things from class and homework and testing and I wish they would have taught me these strategies about life.
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 and they didn't.
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And so I wanted to create the school that I wish I could have attended growing up.
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So big thank you for listening, Carmen, and for being the fan of the week and leaving a review over on Apple Podcast.
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Okay, in just a moment, the one and only Marissa Peer.
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 2022 is going to be a big year for a lot of businesses, but some industries are projected to grow even more this year, like home improvement.
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And I see all you DIYers out there on TikTok, the fitness industry, or whatever the apps or studios or the pet services industry with all the furry friends adopting during COVID.
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There's so many of you out there doing amazing things.
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 And if you work for or own a business in one of these growing industries, or a wide range of other industries, you probably need to hire ASAP.
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There's only one place to go, and that's ZipRecruiter.
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And right now you can try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash greatness.
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ZipRecruiter uses powerful technology to find and match the right candidates up with your job.
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Then it proactively presents these candidates to you.
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And ZipRecruiter's technology is so effective that four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day.
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 And now you can try ZipRecruiter for free at this exclusive web address.
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It's ZipRecruiter.com slash greatness.
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That's ZipRecruiter.com slash G-R-E-A-T-N-E-S-S.
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ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire.
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 We talked about this before on the show about the lies we tell ourselves and the stories we tell ourselves.
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And a lot of us tell ourselves really bad lies.
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And you said we need to start telling ourselves better lies.
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I'm curious, why do we need to do that?
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And how can that help us start manifesting things in a different way in our lives?
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 Well, you know, our greatest pain is from the lies we tell ourselves.
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If you said to someone you're breaking up with, I don't love you anymore, you're boring, or you're not sexy, or I found someone else, that's very hurtful.
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But we can go, well, they've got an agenda.
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We can almost account, my boss said I was terrible, but he's having a bad day.
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But the lies we tell ourselves, the mind doesn't go, well, you're having a bad day.
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You have an agenda, it believes they must be true.
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 And the simplicity is if you are prepared to lie to yourself, which you clearly are when you go, I'm the size of a house.
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If I look at a cake, I gain a pound.
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My kid is making me want to jump out of a window.
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This freeway would be the death of me.
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See, none of those things are true.
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I could eat a horse.
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We know that can't possibly be true.
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But if you're prepared to lie to yourself,
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 Why not tell yourself a better lie?
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Because your mind doesn't know, and it really doesn't care if what you tell it is good or bad, true or false.
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So a simple thing, I got a memory like a sieve, I have an excellent memory.
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I'm falling apart, I got great coping skills.
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If I look at a cake, I gain weight, I have a phenomenal metabolic rate, you see?
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 Every thought you think you make real.
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And if you doubt that, think of this, if you think of something embarrassing, you will blush.
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If you think of something sad, your eyes will fill up with tears.
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If you think of food, your stomach rumbles.
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If you think of something sexy, you can get physically aroused.
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 to a thought.
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So the body makes thoughts real.
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Whatever thought you are thinking, your body is very busy making it real.
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And if you tell yourself a better lie, your body will work very hard to make that thought real.
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 Yeah, it's like I can imagine I'm having a pumpkin pie right now.
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I can imagine the smell of pumpkin, the taste, and I'll start to salivate.
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My body will start to salivate thinking there's a pumpkin pie in front of me.
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Imagining chewing into the crust of the pumpkin pie, the sweetness, and I'll start to feel it in my body, although there's a lie.
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There's nothing in front of me right now.
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 Just like there could be, you know, my girlfriend could walk in front of me, but she's not in front of me, and I can feel something, I can imagine and think about it.
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Yeah, that's why when you read letters, you get tears in your eyes.
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You look at pictures, you go, oh, I'm remembering that.
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So every thought you think causes both a physical reaction and an emotional response.
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So if you think better thoughts, you have to get better emotional reactions and better responses.
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 What about memories then?
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What if we have memories that were real in our lives?
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That was like, okay, I used to be overweight or someone did dump me and there was this pain, there was this thing.
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How do we tell ourself a better lie or story around memories of the past so they don't keep hurting us today?
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Well, you know, that's a great question because
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 An event will affect you.
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You know what really affects you about an event?
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The meaning you attach to it.
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So I could say, I wasn't the favorite kid.
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My sister was the favorite.
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My brother was the smart kid.
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My sister was the pretty kid.
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And I felt like this thing in the middle, this kind of thing.
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 And I can go back and go, yeah, so what does that mean?
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It means what I've decided to make it mean.
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I've decided, I'm really glad because it gave me, I'll show you, you want to write me off, but I'll show you.
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So we can all look back at our past and go, I should have been a girl, should have been a boy, should have been academic.
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My parents wanted that, but you know,
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 Don't make someone else's story your story.
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My mother's story, I should have been someone else's baby, was always her story.
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It traumatized her entire life, but it wasn't my story.
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It was her story.
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And when people say, my mother said, oh, you can't trust your own shadow.
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Don't trust men.
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Don't trust people.
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 It's very important to go, well, that's your story.
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You wanted a boy and I was the third girl.
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You wanted a girl and I was the fourth boy.
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But it's insane, but that's your story.
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My story is I'm meant to be here.
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I'm meant to be me.
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I got something to offer the world, even if I don't know what it is.
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So the significance of an event is linked to what you make of it.
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I was given up for adoption.
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That means I wasn't loved, but it could mean my parents loved me so much.
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 They sacrifice the joy of having me to let someone else raise me, to give me a better life.
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It's always the meaning that you attach to an event.
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And the very good news is, you know what?
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You can change the meaning like that anytime you like.
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So even if we've held on to a meaning for 20, 30 years about something, it's still possible to change it later in life?
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 Yeah, and when you go back and meet these people, they go, oh, no, I didn't mean that.
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I always told you you were rubbish because I thought it would make you smarter.
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I always told you you were stupid because I hoped it would make you intelligent.
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I told you I didn't love you because I felt inadequate.
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And the amount of fathers I made go, I never see my kids.
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 because I'm useless.
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I would just damage them.
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I thought the best thing I could do is to remove myself from their life so their mom would find a better dad.
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And they really have no concept of how that damages a child.
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They say, the best thing I could do was be away from you.
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I was a crazy alcoholic.
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I didn't want to pass that on.
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So I left you to benefit you.
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But the child doesn't hear.
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The child thinks you left me because I wasn't worth being with.
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 That's the problem.
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The minute a child feels abandoned, they never blame the abandoner, my dad left because he's crazy, because he's a drunk.
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A child never stops loving, but they immediately stop loving themselves.
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And that's why you're going back and go, okay, so I've been telling myself a lie, my dad left because he didn't love me.
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My mom,
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 brought different boyfriends home every six months because I didn't make her happy.
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And then you go back and go, oh, but that's not true.
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My mother loved me very much, but she couldn't cope.
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She gave me to my grandmother because she thought I'd be better off.
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So when you go back and revisit the lie and update it, you realize, oh, so what's true is what I decide to be true.
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 Some guy dumped me.
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You know, I worked with somebody recently who said that her first experience of her first boyfriend was him saying to her, you're rubbish in bed.
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And the second boyfriend dumped her because he came from a different country and she could speak his language, he couldn't speak hers.
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And he later told her, I felt so stupid in front of you.
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So I sent you a note saying, don't ever call me again.
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And those two men traumatized her so much that she couldn't have a relationship with her husband who loved her.
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 But then she went back and said, well, the first guy was an idiot because, by the way, his job was to seduce me.
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And he did a terrible job.
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And the second one felt so inadequate around me.
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You know, I've worked with supermodels who say, men put me down.
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They're so intimidated by my looks.
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They go, well, you're not very bright.
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You've got enormous feet.
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 You know, you're not all that.
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And they let it in.
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And I worked with a famous model who said, every man I'm with, they start to diminish me because they're intimidated by me.
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So they start to pick holes in me and I let them.
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 And it's so important to go back and look at the past and change it.
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You can change it at any time.
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Why do we think we let other people and ourselves speak so negatively to us?
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We allow other people's words to come in and then we reaffirm those words to ourselves internally.
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Why do you think we do that so often?
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 You know, it very much depends on what happens in your childhood.
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Here's the thing about the mind, and it's really vexing.
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Your mind is hardwired to go back to what it knows.
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It always wants to return to what's familiar, while resisting what is unfamiliar.
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If you grew up in a house with a lot of praise and parents who say, you know, you're a great kid, you've got something to offer the world, you're going to find someone who adores you,
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 Because you've got so much to offer, you will expect that.
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Unfortunately, that isn't the norm.
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The norm is criticism.
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And if criticism is familiar, not only do we reject praise, we actually begin to criticize ourselves.
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We pick up what we know.
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You know, if you brought up in a house with fast food and vegetables, you don't go, hey, I need vegetables.
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The mind will always go back to what it recognizes because that's what once kept us alive.
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 What we know, like if you have a two-year-old kid, they go, I don't want to eat that, it's got lumps in it, it's the wrong color, I only like pink yogurt in a blue bowl.
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But what they're really saying is, I don't know that yogurt with lumps in it.
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And my brain wants what I know because it keeps us alive.
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And that's a fact, the mind likes what's familiar.
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But here's another fact, you can make anything you like familiar.
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And one of the biggest things to change your life
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 is to make praise familiar.
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And it can be very simple praise.
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I'm a good person.
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I've got a good heart.
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I think good thoughts.
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You know, I find that one of the most powerful things to do in therapy, and it teaches that a lot in the book, is to think of the words you've always wanted to hear and to start saying them yourself.
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So... The words you've always wanted to hear from your parents or siblings.
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Yeah, from anybody.
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So you could say, okay, if I had a great partner, what would they say to me?
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 If I had great parents, what would they say?
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If I had a great boss or amazing friends, and it's not really rocket science, what would a great parent say?
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They'd go, you're a great kid.
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Gosh, how lucky am I to be your parent?
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What a joy it is to raise you.
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And many parents don't.
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What would a great friend say?
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 I love being your friend.
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If there was a template for a great friend, you would be it.
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What would a great partner say?
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You're the one.
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I just love your voice.
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I love everything about you.
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You're so smart.
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What would a great boss say?
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You are indispensable to this company.
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So what we do is you go, well, I haven't got that.
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So we either give it up.
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No one's ever going to give me those words.
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I'm going to accept, I'll never hear them.
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 And we say things like, I never ask for anything, me.
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Well, what do you then get?
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Nothing.
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But I never ask for anything.
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So I don't expect anything.
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I'm in my apartment with my pets.
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I don't ask for anything.
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So we give the need up or we give it away.
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I've got to find someone out there.
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 to tell me these things.
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And that works until there's someone out there that gets sick, or ill, or has their own issues, or they move on.
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But when you decide, hey, I can do that, I can think of what I most want to hear, say it myself, it may sound silly, but it's no sillier than saying, I'm an idiot, I've got rocks for brains,
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 everything I touch falls apart.
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That's also silly and deeply harmful.
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So if you decide what you most want to hear and start to go, I matter.
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I'm here for a reason.
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I'm a good person.
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I'm lovable.
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I'm someone's fantasy dream come true, because you are.
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Someone in the world will look at you and go, oh my God, you're my fantasy dream come true.
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Not everybody, but someone.
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Someone will go, you know your problem?
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 that kid keeping you up all night, the partner leaving their dirty pants the floor.
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I love that problem.
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So silly as it sounds.
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Yeah.
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It's so interesting you say that because my girlfriend, the more we date, I'll bring stuff up and I'll say, we might have like a sensitive conversation.
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 And I'll say, I'm about to tell you something you're not gonna like.
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Because I'm used to in the past saying things that has this terrible reaction in relationships or someone can't handle the truth about who I am or things I do or whatever.
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So I set it up with her, I go, I'm about to say something you're really not gonna like.
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 And yeah, so I'm just letting you know, you're not gonna like this, but I'm gonna be true and authentic to me and not walk on eggshells and not be afraid to communicate who I am.
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And I'll say the thing and she goes,
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 That's it?
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She goes, I thought it was going to be something horrible, but I love that thing about you.
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It's so, and you're like, really?
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So there's always someone who likes that thing about you.
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Yeah, there's someone who loves your little fatty tummy, who loves your triple thigh.
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I remember one of my friends saying, I saw my wife and he said, her thighs are rubbing together.
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It was the sexiest thing I'd ever seen, he said, in my life.
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He said, I was walking behind her in a store and I had to get, no, because he said, that was just,
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 so sexy, you think, really?
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I thought we wanted a thigh gap, but we're all different.
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But it really helps to think that you've got something to offer somebody.
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But the minute you start to say, I matter, or I'm a good person, I'm smart, I can contribute something amazing to my company.
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If you keep saying it, you see,
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 When you give it up, you accept it's never going to happen.
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And that's such a shame because it could.
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But when you give it away, you've given someone else a job of meeting your needs.
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When you say, hey, what do I need?
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I need to feel loved.
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 So as silly as it sounds, going, well, I am lovable.
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Someone's going to love me.
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I've got all the qualities that somebody will find deeply lovable.
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When you say it, it makes such an impact on your sense of self that people do pick that up.
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You know, we all know that annoying thing, you can't find a date, and then suddenly you find someone and then you get hit on.
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 You think, wow, well, how did that happen?
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Because you're now resonating the feet.
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When someone says, I rang just to hear your voice, I just look at your picture, I call your phone just to listen to your message.
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You think, oh, someone loves me, I must be lovable.
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But if you can put that into yourself, it lasts forever.
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 How do we put that in ourselves when we've never been familiar with those thoughts and that routine of loving ourselves?
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One of the things I put in the book, which was so important, was something called, Installing Your Own Cheerleader.
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See, a cheerleader only knows how to
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 Bank symbols.
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Even when you're losing, when a team loses, their cheerleaders go, oh, you were rubbish.
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Oh, my God, you stank up.
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They say, hey, you tried really hard and you were amazing and you'll win next time.
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You know, we just did something in England where we put this into schools.
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We had 500 schools sign up.
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 And each class actually created the cheerleader.
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We actually made little toys of the cheerleader they designed.
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And we were showing them how to go from, I can't to I can in just five days, by having a cheerleader that says, you've got this.
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Your name is all over this.
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No one can do this better than you.
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 And so the cheerleader is your voice saying, you can do this.
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And you know what?
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It doesn't matter if you win.
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It matters that you loved competing.
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You did great.
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You did amazing.
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And the cheerleader will cheer you on academically, but it cheerleads who you are.
0
SPEAKER_03
And we have a critical voice going, oh, you're going to mess that up.
0
SPEAKER_03
That's never going to work.
0
SPEAKER_03
Why would you even think that could happen?
0
SPEAKER_03
 No one from our families ever had their own business.
0
SPEAKER_03
 you haven't got anything to offer here.
0
SPEAKER_03
And the cheerleader flips on its head and says, you can do it, you can do it.
0
SPEAKER_03
And we've had such a great response from those 500 schools who've said that bullying stopped, children are getting better, they're getting better with each other too.
0
SPEAKER_03
And so we should all have a cheerleader.
0
SPEAKER_03
So it's very important I put the download in that book where all you have to do is download it and play it.
0
SPEAKER_03
 And it makes you feel good because, you know, when you're a kid at school and you're running a race and someone is cheering you on and going, you can do it, you've got this.
0
SPEAKER_03
It may be your friend, it may be a parent.
0
SPEAKER_03
When you're going for a job and your friends go, hey, I know you can do this.
0
SPEAKER_03
But when you can say it, you don't think, oh, who can I call now to be my cheerleader?
0
SPEAKER_03
Being your own cheerleader is amazing.
0
SPEAKER_03
Because if you look at people who make it,
0
SPEAKER_03
 Someone like Tony Robbins, they definitely have a chance of going, hey, you can do this.
0
SPEAKER_03
Going for a big interview, go, well, you can do it.
0
SPEAKER_03
Thinking a big thought, they go, well, why not?
0
SPEAKER_03
Of course I can do it.
0
SPEAKER_00
There's going to be a lot of people that are going to criticize you externally.
0
SPEAKER_00
A lot of people aren't going to be your cheerleader.
0
SPEAKER_00
Hopefully some will, and hopefully at different times of life, people will be cheering you on.
0
SPEAKER_00
But there will be definitely seasons where people will criticize and try to pull you down in negative ways.
0
SPEAKER_00
Whether it's...
0
SPEAKER_00
 negative reviews online or to your face or if you're an athlete, you go into the opposing arena, they're all booing you, you've got to have some type of cheerleader in your mind in order to take that on.
0
SPEAKER_03
 Yeah, because the most important words you will ever hear in your entire life are the words you say to yourself.
0
SPEAKER_03
And when you have a cheerleader, you understand the truth.
0
SPEAKER_03
There is nothing that will change your life more than letting in praise, but not letting in destructive criticism.
0
SPEAKER_03
Constructive criticism is okay.
0
SPEAKER_03
Hey, I just want to tell you, you're always late.
0
SPEAKER_03
And if only you could be here on time, it would...
0
SPEAKER_03
 make our life so much better.
0
SPEAKER_03
You could say to your partner, look, I love you dearly, but every time I come downstairs and there's like coffee all over the counter and could you just rinse out the sink?
0
SPEAKER_03
That's okay.
0
SPEAKER_03
But if you can get into the habit of letting in your own praise and other people's while deflecting criticism, it's such a game changer.
0
SPEAKER_03
In my years of being a therapist, I've seen over and over again, I just get people to let in praise
0
SPEAKER_03
 and not let in criticism, it changes their entire life.
0
SPEAKER_00
 I wasn't that good.
0
SPEAKER_00
Why is it so challenging for us to receive acknowledgement and praise and do it in a humble way and not a, I know I'm the best and look the best and the prettiest in the world type of way?
0
SPEAKER_03
You know, it isn't normal.
0
SPEAKER_03
If you say to a little kid, you look so cute, they smile.
0
SPEAKER_03
And if you say to a little child, wow, you're a smart kid, they don't go, no, I'm actually really stupid.
0
SPEAKER_03
You should see the other kids in my class, they're way better than me.
0
SPEAKER_03
 They let it in.
0
SPEAKER_03
We teach people that it's not okay.
0
SPEAKER_03
Don't get ahead of yourself.
0
SPEAKER_03
Don't be big-headed.
0
SPEAKER_03
Don't show off who do you think you are.
0
SPEAKER_03
People won't like you if you're better than them.
0
SPEAKER_03
Don't ever tell anyone what you've got.
0
SPEAKER_03
 And so we learn, oh, it's not okay.
0
SPEAKER_03
And if we get criticized a lot, it becomes so familiar that we actually let that in.
0
SPEAKER_03
And the praise is so unfamiliar that we reject it.
0
SPEAKER_03
So we find ourselves saying, oh, I wasn't really any good, I just was winging it.
0
SPEAKER_03
It's like even in that Spanish expression, nanada, don't mention it.
0
SPEAKER_03
I go, no, you should really mention it.
0
SPEAKER_03
When you do a great job and people say, well done, you should go, thank you so much.
0
SPEAKER_03
 I'm so glad you love my book.
0
SPEAKER_03
I loved writing it.
0
SPEAKER_03
I wrote it for someone like you.
0
SPEAKER_03
Don't go, oh, it's terrible.
0
SPEAKER_03
Didn't you notice all the spelling mistakes?
0
SPEAKER_03
And it's not formatted very well.
0
SPEAKER_03
It's like if someone gave you a gift and you go, oh, I hate that gift.
0
SPEAKER_03
You know, if I gave you that cup as a gift, you'd go, I hate it.
0
SPEAKER_03
It's a horrible color.
0
SPEAKER_03
I don't like the writing.
0
SPEAKER_03
So see praise as a gift that you wouldn't go, I hate this gift.
0
SPEAKER_03
Why did you think I'd even like it?
0
SPEAKER_03
And just learn to say, thank you.
0
SPEAKER_03
 I've had so many clients just getting them to accept praise and saying, look, you can make it familiar.
0
SPEAKER_03
In fact, I was teaching a course in London and this girl came up and she was very sad.
0
SPEAKER_03
And so we did a session and it was really interesting what had happened to her.
0
SPEAKER_03
And at the end, I said, you know, I'm going to get the whole audience to come up and give you a hug.
0
SPEAKER_03
She went, oh no, no, that's very hard.
0
SPEAKER_03
I said, you know, it's not hard, it's unfamiliar, but you can make it familiar.
0
SPEAKER_03
Halfway through she said, Marisa,
0
SPEAKER_03
 The cameraman's not in the line."
0
SPEAKER_03
I said, get in line.
0
SPEAKER_03
He was very good looking.
0
SPEAKER_03
I said, you see how quickly you made that familiar?
0
SPEAKER_03
Being praised, being held, believing you are worthy of love.
0
SPEAKER_03
You have a choice.
0
SPEAKER_03
You know, you always have a choice.
0
SPEAKER_03
Rationalize why you can't have it or talk yourself into having it and always make the second choice.
0
SPEAKER_03
I can make this familiar.
0
SPEAKER_03
When I dated my husband, I had a choice.
0
SPEAKER_03
I'm going to make,
0
SPEAKER_03
 a different kind of person, familiar, because I knew he was such a good person and a kind person and a funny person.
0
SPEAKER_01
And what were you familiar with before that?
0
SPEAKER_03
Well, you know, I was a headteacher's daughter.
0
SPEAKER_03
You might call it a principal's daughter.
0
SPEAKER_03
So my dad was very interested in other people's children.
0
SPEAKER_03
He was paid to be interested in other people's children.
0
SPEAKER_03
He would give them all his time.
0
SPEAKER_03
He was at a hanky-ready.
0
SPEAKER_03
He was a really good guy, but he wasn't really interested in us because
0
SPEAKER_03
 It was much harder work with us.
0
SPEAKER_03
And so my thing was, you got to work really hard to get someone's attention.
0
SPEAKER_03
And that's very common with people.
0
SPEAKER_03
I've got to earn love, chase love, work so hard for love.
0
SPEAKER_03
 And that's not true.
0
SPEAKER_03
Love isn't to be earned or chased or run after or paid for.
0
SPEAKER_03
It's just there.
0
SPEAKER_03
So I had to give up that belief that I got to earn love.
0
SPEAKER_03
So, of course, I liked men who made me work.
0
SPEAKER_03
They always had jobs or...
0
SPEAKER_03
 existing families and some terrible breakup and traumatized children.
0
SPEAKER_03
And because of that, I couldn't possibly be the top of the list.
0
SPEAKER_03
You can't expect a father with three little babies to put you first.
0
SPEAKER_03
But then I realized, oh, this, I'm just making... And then, actually, it was when I was dating someone who said to me,
0
SPEAKER_03
 I won't allow you to eat that."
0
SPEAKER_03
I'm like, when did you become a head teacher?
0
SPEAKER_03
And that was a penny drop.
0
SPEAKER_03
Wow, my dad is a teacher.
0
SPEAKER_03
Who am I with this person who I can't eat?
0
SPEAKER_03
And I stopped dating him overnight.
0
SPEAKER_03
It was very confusing for him, but not for me, because I thought, oh, I'm dating my dad.
0
SPEAKER_03
And of course, I could never have sex with him again when I had that realization, because it's like, wow, that's not very healthy.
0
SPEAKER_03
 But I was so glad he did that, told me what I couldn't eat.
0
SPEAKER_03
And he wasn't trying to control me.
0
SPEAKER_03
He said, we're going out for dinner.
0
SPEAKER_03
He said, you don't need to eat that.
0
SPEAKER_03
We're going out in two hours to this big place.
0
SPEAKER_03
He was a big foodie.
0
SPEAKER_03
I won't allow it.
0
SPEAKER_03
And that was, for me, the penny drop.
0
SPEAKER_03
Oh, I'm dating people like my dad and trying to make them give me all their attention.
0
SPEAKER_03
And life is way too short to find someone like your parent and change the ending.
0
SPEAKER_03
 You got to find the person who changed the beginning.
0
SPEAKER_03
So I realized what I was doing is recreating what I knew, someone absent, very preoccupied with their career.
0
SPEAKER_03
And I was trying to change the ending.
0
SPEAKER_03
And when I got that realization, I thought, well, I just changed the beginning.
0
SPEAKER_03
I find someone warm and available who'll put me first.
0
SPEAKER_03
It doesn't happen like that.
0
SPEAKER_03
You have to pay attention to the old habit of going back to what you know.
0
SPEAKER_03
So I could say,
0
SPEAKER_03
 If I was a woman who had a cold, absent, critical father, I'm in a bar, I meet a cold, absent, critical father, I think, oh, just clicked like that.
0
SPEAKER_03
I felt like I'd known them my whole life.
0
SPEAKER_03
It's because their behavior is so familiar.
1
SPEAKER_01
 you want to run towards it when really you need to run away from it and go cold, absent, critical.
1
SPEAKER_01
 How about warm, kind, friendly, loving, putting you first, decide.
1
SPEAKER_01
And it's a choice, I'm going to make that familiar, a good guy, a kind guy, someone who will put me first.
1
SPEAKER_01
And once you make the decision and you remind yourself of it, it becomes familiar because while our mind likes what is familiar, that is a fact.
1
SPEAKER_01
 We can choose what to make familiar and indeed choose to go, well, no.
1
SPEAKER_01
So when people say, he was too good for me, what they're really saying is, his behavior was so unfamiliar.
1
SPEAKER_01
I didn't recognize it.
1
SPEAKER_01
I ran back to what I knew.
1
SPEAKER_01
But you have to run away from what you know.
1
SPEAKER_01
It's also like saying, well, this is comfortable.
1
SPEAKER_01
Why don't I make it uncomfortable?
1
SPEAKER_01
And I make what's uncomfortable comfortable, sitting with it until it's familiar.
1
SPEAKER_00
 I wanna get to that more a little later about the relationship stuff, because I have a lot to share on that, things I've learned this year.
1
SPEAKER_00
But I'm curious on the thoughts and the lies and manifesting.
1
SPEAKER_00
I'm curious if you think we're able to manifest anything we want, a good relationship, the career, or a new business, or financial abundance, if we're stuck in a negative thought routine.
1
SPEAKER_00
Is it possible to manifest
1
SPEAKER_00
 and accomplish what we want in a negative thought routine.
1
SPEAKER_01
No, you can't manifest when you are negative.
1
SPEAKER_01
I want money, but when you have money, you never know who your friends are.
1
SPEAKER_01
I want to be really sexy, but I don't want all that unwanted attention.
1
SPEAKER_01
I want a great job, but I'll never see my kids.
1
SPEAKER_01
I'll be a terrible parent.
1
SPEAKER_01
The mind...
1
SPEAKER_01
 is going to get into one lane.
1
SPEAKER_01
Here's one lane that says, I want to be a great parent.
1
SPEAKER_01
But another one says, I want to have a great career, and I can't go into both lanes.
1
SPEAKER_01
But after you can put that lane on, I could have a great career and be a great parent.
1
SPEAKER_01
It takes work, it takes balance, but it's very, very possible.
1
SPEAKER_01
 The problem is the mind is like a missile.
1
SPEAKER_01
It wants to go there, but it keeps going there.
1
SPEAKER_01
If it doesn't really know what you want, I want love, but it would kill me to be rejected.
1
SPEAKER_01
 I want success, but am I really going to give up all the things I love to be successful?
1
SPEAKER_01
So you've got to really identify what you want to manifest, anything you have to want it.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I think people have got very confused.
1
SPEAKER_01
They go, I'll sit on the chair and manifest a great guy.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, unless that's the Amazon delivery guy, that's just not going to work.
1
SPEAKER_01
I want a great body, but
1
SPEAKER_01
 I'm not going to do anything.
1
SPEAKER_01
So to be a manifester, you have to do three things and you have to do all three.
1
SPEAKER_01
The first is the easy one, or maybe not easy.
1
SPEAKER_01
You have to decide you are worth it.
1
SPEAKER_01
I'm worthy of love.
1
SPEAKER_01
I'm worthy of a phenomenal relationship.
1
SPEAKER_01
I'm worthy of success.
1
SPEAKER_01
Even I'm worthy of wealth or health.
1
SPEAKER_01
I'm worth it.
1
SPEAKER_01
And that probably is at least 80% of manifesting.
1
SPEAKER_01
And many people manifest with a thought, not really worthy.
1
SPEAKER_02
 Really?
1
SPEAKER_01
I'm going to find love, but they're going to leave me.
1
SPEAKER_01
I'm going to find wealth, but I don't know how I'm going to keep it.
1
SPEAKER_01
I'm going to have a great job, but it's going to kill me working those hours.
1
SPEAKER_01
So your first thought must be, I'm worth it.
1
SPEAKER_01
But then there's a second part, which is, what does it look like?
1
SPEAKER_01
And maybe it's, I'm going to be a millionaire.
1
SPEAKER_01
For what?
1
SPEAKER_01
I don't know.
1
SPEAKER_01
 I want a great person.
1
SPEAKER_01
What are they like?
1
SPEAKER_01
I don't know.
1
SPEAKER_01
They've got a nice six-pack and drive a nice car.
1
SPEAKER_01
So the second part is you must really know what does it look like?
1
SPEAKER_01
If you don't know what it looks like, how are you going to go after it?
1
SPEAKER_01
The mind will go after something it is clear about.
1
SPEAKER_01
So you might say,
1
SPEAKER_01
 I want a really flat stomach.
1
SPEAKER_01
What does that look like?
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, it looks like not eating so many carbs, not eating late at night, going to the gym.
1
SPEAKER_01
If you know what it looks like and you believe you're worth it, you'll have it.
1
SPEAKER_01
But then the third part is, after you've decided you're worth it and you know what it looks like, what are you going to do?
1
SPEAKER_01
Because if you really want a six-pack, you might have to do 300 sit-ups a day.
1
SPEAKER_01
And if you're not prepared to do that, you don't want it enough.
1
SPEAKER_01
So I could say,
1
SPEAKER_01
 I wanted to write a book.
1
SPEAKER_01
Did I feel I was worth it?
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I had to work on myself.
1
SPEAKER_01
You know, I got a message and I think I can... People tell me I really help them.
1
SPEAKER_01
They tell me I change their lives.
1
SPEAKER_01
So I'm worth putting that in a book.
1
SPEAKER_01
What does it look like?
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, it looks like I'm going to have to... What is this book?
1
SPEAKER_01
What's it going to be about?
1
SPEAKER_01
What's the storyline?
1
SPEAKER_01
What am I going to call it?
1
SPEAKER_01
Who is my audience?
1
SPEAKER_01
Am I going to write what I want to write or what people want to hear?
1
SPEAKER_01
So I had to know.
1
SPEAKER_01
 who is my market.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then here's the third part.
1
SPEAKER_01
I've got to sit down and write that book.
1
SPEAKER_01
And it takes a long time to write a book.
1
SPEAKER_01
And when you've written it, it takes even longer, as you know, to do all the press, all the pieces for magazines.
1
SPEAKER_01
So you can't have one of the two or two of the two.
1
SPEAKER_01
And let's say I want love.
1
SPEAKER_01
I've got to believe I'm really worthy of love.
1
SPEAKER_01
I've got to really nail in, I am worthy of love.
1
SPEAKER_01
I deserve to love someone who loves me back.
1
SPEAKER_01
 What does that look like?
1
SPEAKER_01
I better get a clear idea of the kind of person I want in my life.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then when I do, it looks like, where am I going to find it?
1
SPEAKER_01
I'm not going to find it watching Netflix.
1
SPEAKER_01
A lot of people say, yeah, I go to yoga, but there's no men in yoga.
1
SPEAKER_01
I go to women's reading groups, where's the guy?
1
SPEAKER_01
You know, you have to go to the weight room.
1
SPEAKER_01
And the same thing with guys, you know, you're not going to find someone in a bar, but you might find them dog walking.
1
SPEAKER_01
You might find them in an IT class.
1
SPEAKER_01
 You have to be very clear about, I'm worth it, I know what it looks like, and what am I going to do to get it?
1
SPEAKER_01
Because I think so many people think manifesting is thinking about what you want and sitting on the couch and it's going to turn up, but you have to get out of the house.
1
SPEAKER_01
If you believe you are lovable and know the kind of person you want and put yourself in front of them, you'll probably go home with them for good.
1
SPEAKER_01
But you can't just do one of the two.
1
SPEAKER_01
 two of the two, you've got to do all three.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, and one of the things I love to do with the action steps, it can seem like, if you're trying to lose 50 or 100 pounds, it can seem like, man, I have to work this hard for a year in order to accomplish this, and you just did a hard workout for the first week, and you're exhausted.
1
SPEAKER_00
You're like, I don't know how I'm going to be able to do this.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I think if you just really think, I just have to do this one day.
1
SPEAKER_00
I just got to show up today, and I'm going to do this seven days in a row, and celebrate the week.
1
SPEAKER_00
 do another week and over time that's gonna really start paying off.
1
SPEAKER_00
What do you think about, I love the idea of deciding you're worth it and having what you, worth having what you want and that you're worthy of what you want.
1
SPEAKER_00
If you haven't learned to heal whatever is a past trauma in your life, are you gonna be able to fully manifest without healing as well or is deciding you're worth it start the healing process?
1
SPEAKER_01
 See, if you think you're not worth it, you'll get rid of it.
1
SPEAKER_01
I mean, I've worked, you probably know that 70% of lottery winners are bankrupt in three years.
1
SPEAKER_01
Why?
1
SPEAKER_01
Because they don't feel they're worth it.
1
SPEAKER_01
They didn't work for it.
1
SPEAKER_01
They didn't have, I'm worth this money.
1
SPEAKER_01
 What does it look like to have all this money?
1
SPEAKER_01
What could I do with it that's so good?
1
SPEAKER_01
They just think, wow, I got all this money.
1
SPEAKER_01
And what's familiar if you just have a job that doesn't pay a lot is spending the money until it runs out and then next week you get more.
1
SPEAKER_01
And so if you don't feel you're worth it, self-sabotage, procrastination, and nothing more than a fear,
1
SPEAKER_01
 of not being enough.
1
SPEAKER_01
And so you stop yourself getting there.
1
SPEAKER_01
So if you believe you're not worth it and you find love, you find money, you find wealth, you'll get rid of it.
1
SPEAKER_01
And we see that with Amy Winehouse, with Whitney Houston.
1
SPEAKER_01
 We see it over and over again.
1
SPEAKER_01
We saw it with George Michael.
1
SPEAKER_01
I always think of him every Christmas because he had so much, except the belief, I'm worth it.
1
SPEAKER_01
And so if you don't do step one first, which is just decide every day, I'm worth love.
1
SPEAKER_01
I deserve love.
1
SPEAKER_01
I'm worthy of love.
1
SPEAKER_01
Because after all, how could you not be worthy of love?
1
SPEAKER_01
Everyone is worthy of love.
1
SPEAKER_01
 So if you don't do that bit and you just do the other two, what does it look like?
1
SPEAKER_01
I'll go and get it.
1
SPEAKER_00
But you'll get rid of it.
1
SPEAKER_01
And we see people all the time who say, I know what's wrong with me.
1
SPEAKER_01
 I remember Sandra Bullock's husband saying, what did I do?
1
SPEAKER_01
I had this beautiful girl and I messed it up.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, of course you messed it up because you never felt you were worthy of it in the first place.
1
SPEAKER_01
So everything else you're going to do to get what you want, if you don't do the first step first, wiring that you're worthy, you'll spend a lot of time getting rid of it, ruining it, destroying it, acting out, sabotaging yourself.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Are we able to believe we're worthy if we haven't started to heal though?
1
SPEAKER_00
Can we just say, okay, I'm worthy even though my parents abandoned me and I've lost every relationship I've been in.
1
SPEAKER_00
How do we bridge the gap from starting to tell ourselves a better lie, knowing we're worthy and healing?
1
SPEAKER_01
 You know, that's such a great question.
1
SPEAKER_01
And often in the book, I invite you to go back to imagine any little baby that's just been born.
1
SPEAKER_01
They never go, don't look at me.
1
SPEAKER_01
I've got milk spots.
1
SPEAKER_01
I've got these triple thighs.
1
SPEAKER_01
I've got a huge tummy.
1
SPEAKER_01
I haven't got any clothes on.
1
SPEAKER_01
You know, when I had a baby and I'd take her out in the store, people would come and look at her.
1
SPEAKER_01
 And she'd smile her big, gummy smile and kick her little legs with her triple knees.
1
SPEAKER_01
And it never occurred to her that she wasn't the most gorgeous thing in the world.
1
SPEAKER_01
You know, when you go, I remember that picture of you with your cat, you just got him, it was on your chest going, oh, Lewis, you just want to love me because I'm lovable.
1
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So the good news is every person is born believing they're lovable.
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We know we're lovable as a child because we demand attention, we demand feeding.
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 You can take in a random pet, but it will come up and wrap its legs around you when it wants to be fed.
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It doesn't run behind the fridge and never comes out because it believes it's worthy.
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So the good news is you are born certain that you are lovable, convinced you're lovable.
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 And then it gets chipped away.
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And then you begin to buy into, I'm not worthy.
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I don't have a great education.
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I don't have a six-pack.
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I'm not a 10.
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I come from a family, I never had a dad.
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My mom was always drinking.
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And now you're justifying why you're not lovable.
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But the thing is, you need to go right back to the beginning.
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You were born certain that you were lovable.
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So you have to reactivate what's in you
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 that's become buried, but you do have to heal it.
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And I think we think, oh, healing is so long.
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What does that involve?
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I've got to play this meditation tape every day and spend hours massaging my own body or looking in the mirror.
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And actually, healing is actually making a decision to think better thoughts.
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You know, no matter where you are in your life,
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 Thought comes first.
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Your thoughts create your feelings, which create your actions, which create your behaviors.
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And even your belief is nothing more than a thought you think a lot.
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And I think we think it's, oh, I've got to change all this.
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Yeah.
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Can you say that one more time?
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Thoughts?
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Thoughts always come first.
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Your thoughts create your feelings.
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Your feelings create your behaviors and your actions, which you justify by going, it's like a loop.
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I think I'm not worthy of love.
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 And that makes me feel very sad and defeated and probably angry and resentful.
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And if I think that thought and feel that feeling now, I act out, I'm difficult, or maybe I'm very needy or very pleasing, but I justify it because I've gone back to the thought, I'm not lovable.
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But if I change the thought, I'm lovable.
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Of course I'm lovable, even if I don't believe it.
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If I keep thinking the thought,
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 Well, I feel very different.
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I feel optimistic.
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I feel reassured.
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I feel quite confident.
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I feel certain someone's going to love me.
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And now I behave differently.
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I take risks.
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I look people in the eye.
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I speak to them.
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My actions are different and I justify them by going back to the thought, I'm lovable.
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So we're so busy changing the behaviors and the actions and the feelings when all you have to change is the thought.
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You know, it's hard to heal.
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 what you don't understand.
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But healing is just saying, I came from a crazy family.
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I came from a place with no money.
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I didn't get a great college degree.
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However, I am worthy of everything I want.
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I can have everything I want with bells on.
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So if you just change the thought, which always comes first, everything else will take care of itself.
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 And you own your thoughts.
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You have every right to change, and we think a thought, and then we start to make that thought.
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Then we have this confirmation bias.
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If I think dogs are horrible, yappy creatures that attack you, if I think that thought, I feel anxious around dogs, and you can believe the dog is going to pick up my anxiety, and it's going to be yappy, yeah.
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And it doesn't like me, and now I've got confirmation.
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You see?
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 I told you dogs are yappy, snappy, bitey things.
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Look what just happened.
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Babies don't like me.
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If I hold them, they go rigid.
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I always get dumped.
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Everything goes wrong.
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I can never keep a job for more than six months.
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When you think that thought and you believe that thought, you begin to look for a confirmation bias of how that thought is real.
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The confirmation bias can be very good.
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I think I'm lovable.
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 And now I'm going to look for, yeah, well, my grandmother loved me.
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My first boyfriend said I was amazing.
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My teacher said something good.
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So you have to make confirmation, Boswick.
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Think a better thought.
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Start looking for examples of how it's true, because whatever you look for, you will find.
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Whatever you look for.
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 You move towards what you already believe, you get more of what you already believe.
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So you got to think a thought and then start looking for proof.
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And even if you can find hardly any, it doesn't matter, still do it.
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And then it becomes true.
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What about people that say, well, how do I know my thoughts come from me?
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How do I know they're not coming from somewhere else?
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But it doesn't matter where they come from.
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 That's not important.
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What's important is let's change them.
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So if your thoughts are coming at you or coming from you and they were negative,
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 It doesn't matter where they come from, it only matters you think, I'm not going to think this thought.
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You can choose to be negative or positive, but you can't choose what it does to your body when you think negative thoughts.
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What does it do to your body when you think negative?
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Well, it creates a lot of cortisol, which creates inflammation, which is a precursor to many diseases.
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It makes you anxious.
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 It makes you suffer with things like insomnia.
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It affects your digestion.
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It affects, can even affect your metabolism.
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It affects your ability to have joy and happiness on the planet.
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So your thoughts are yours to change.
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And yes, you can pick up other people's thoughts.
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You know, I've often gone back to London, got in a cab, they go, oh, this country's a write-off.
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Look at the weather.
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 And I just said, I've got to take a call.
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And I just shut the intercom because I think, I don't want to let that in.
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I can't let in negative thoughts.
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I mean, they're around me.
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And sometimes I'll be in a position where I'm hearing really negative.
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I can't hear that.
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I can't let that in.
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 It's fascinating because my dad used to, one of our first episode we ever did, I think the title was Your Thoughts Will Heal You or Kill You.
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And it was one of our most popular episodes.
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I recommend people go listen to it or watch it.
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And I think I might have told you then that my dad would always turn the commercials off when there would be some type of drug campaign or, if you're feeling sick, you need to buy this.
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 he would always mute or turn the channel.
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Constantly turning the channel, because he was like, I don't want your mind to be consumed with these negative thoughts.
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And it's something I've practiced most of my life.
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I mean, I'm not perfect, but I don't watch the news still today.
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In the beginning of the pandemic, I remember watching it for like a month, because just like everything was happening.
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And I just said, why am I consuming this?
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I can get information and be educated on
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 What's actually happening in the world and be aware and be cautious of what I need to be cautious of but the constant Rumination of these negative thoughts are not supporting my mind and not supporting my body and they're not supporting my actions If I'm going to be living in a fear Fear based state of mind and behavior.
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So I said, okay.
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I want to be educated and informed so I
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 I'll get the updated information, but I'm not going to get it in this hysterical storytelling, mass media of the worst of the worst.
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I'm going to get it written down of here's the data, here's the facts, be aware, be cautious, but not allow these thoughts to be consumed inside of me.
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And I think that's really helped me over these last two years, just stay focused on how can I take care of myself?
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How can I show up in a loving way?
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 You know, how can I continue to serve my team, my community, my audience, and not be crippled by these thoughts?
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And it's been a great practice that I had as a child that's helped me now as an adult.
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But I see so many people consumed by the media in the negative way or taking it in too much and then holding on to that fear.
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 Yeah, and it's funny because when COVID hit, I was in England just moving to America.
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And I remember thinking, oh, I don't have any medicine in America.
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And I thought, and I went to buy some and everything had sold out.
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And I thought, well, what am I doing if I buy all this medicine?
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Am I planning to get ill?
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 And I had a real dilemma, should I buy all this stuff and ship it out to America?
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If I'm buying all this stuff and all these cold remedies, am I planning to get a cold?
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Eventually I thought, you know what, I'm going to buy them for other people.
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I'm going to buy them for when I have visitors in my house, they need a bit of Lemsip, but I don't need it.
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And sometimes you have to really stop and think, you know, what am I doing?
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I'm buying antacids, I'm buying anti-sickness stuff to go on the plane.
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 I'm carrying pepper spray or bear spray on my key ring.
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What am I doing here?
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Am I planning to get attacked?
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And I think it's okay to have that on your key ring.
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But don't expect, oh, I need this, something terrible is going to happen.
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 and I'd have put on an alarm, but I don't stress about it too much.
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So, but you are right.
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We sometimes think the most, I'm going to get sick.
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It's flu season, it's allergy season, it's hay fever season, it's headache season.
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 I know when I have a kid, it will scream all night.
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I know when I have a kid, I'll get really fat and you never get rid of the weight.
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I know when I meet someone, it's not going to work.
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We really have to remember, you have the power to make that thought real.
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But guess what?
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You also have the power to reverse it.
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This relationship is going to last forever.
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I'm going to be a great mom.
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I've got a great immune system.
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My body deals with germs every single day.
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 It really is a choice to just look at your thoughts, update them the way you update your software, upgrade them.
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But so many of us don't even know what we're thinking.
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I need coffee to cope.
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I need caffeine to get up in the morning.
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I need pills to go to sleep at night.
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Well, actually, you don't.
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But if you think that thought, you're going to confirm it and make it real.
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Sleep will come to you wherever you are.
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 your body will cope very well with that caffeine.
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You're not going to gain a pound looking at pizza.
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And you do know what full is, and you can stop eating.
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But so many of us have been so influenced by the media.
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You know, in America, every third advert is for drugs, for medicine, because it's saying, you need this.
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And the same thing for Happy Meals, you need this.
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No, you don't need any of that.
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You need to think better thoughts.
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 Well, what about people with low self-esteem or low confidence?
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Where do you think that the root of that comes from?
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And how can we start to overcome that self-doubt, low self-esteem, low confidence?
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Yeah, well, again, I've never met a baby that was born with low self-esteem.
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No baby says, I'm just not going to try to crawl.
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It's too difficult.
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I can't get that food in my mouth.
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I'll give up.
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 I can't quite hit the toilet, I just stop bothering.
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So the good thing about that is you were not born with it.
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Even if you had a horrible beginning and your parents gave you up for adoption and didn't want you.
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You know, one of my friends went to Russia to get a little boy and he said it was so funny.
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So I walked to the orphanage, he ran up and he clung to my legs.
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And he said, and when we left, I said, say goodbye.
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And he just looked at me and said, I'm not looking back there.
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Even as a baby, he knew.
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 And when I picked him up to leave, when I got the adoption, he wouldn't look back, he wouldn't wave.
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He's like, I'm going that way with you, and that's all behind me now.
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And he's an amazing kid, the boy he adopted, because he had a sense of...
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 you know, where he is.
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And he said one day, I said, I'm so glad I found you.
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He said, yeah, I'm glad we found each other.
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So he's already got that sense of, we found each other.
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I found you, but you also found me, and we helped each other.
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So with self-esteem,
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 There is nothing on the planet that will build that faster than your own praise.
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We often think, well, I need to lose 10 pounds, get a six-pack, update my wardrobe.
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It's like that Bruce Springsteen, I want to change my face, my thoughts, my job.
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Do you remember that song by Bruce?
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You want to change your thoughts.
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That's all you ever need to change.
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And the thing that will raise and build your self-esteem is praise.
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There is nothing, no shoes,
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 No cookies, no candy, no sex, no drugs, no alcohol, nothing that will build your self-esteem.
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 like praise, and if you knew that to be true, and it is true, then all you have to do is practice saying, I like myself.
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I'm a good person.
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I've got something to offer the world.
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I'm kind, I'm nice, I'm fascinating, I'm interesting, I'm compelling.
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You can make it as dramatic as you like.
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I'm magnetically lovable, or just, I've got a good heart.
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 I'm an interesting person, people like me.
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So if you knew that the one thing that could build your praise was free, was immediate, and was in you, why wouldn't you use it?
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And I talk a lot in the book about exactly how to do that.
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Again, the cheerleader, the self-confidence.
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People get very confused with, I don't even know, what is self-love?
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Is that rubbing cream on myself, having a little sex aid?
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What is self-love?
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No, it's not that.
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 is looking in the mirror and saying, I'm nice.
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 The way to know if you love yourself is really three things.
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And the big one is, how do you talk to you?
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Do you say, I'm an idiot, I've got rocks for brains, look at the state of me, I knew I'd mess that up.
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Self-love is being kind.
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So the way you talk to yourself, the way you dialogue with you is the big key to self-love.
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So if someone said to me, oh my God, you messed that up, you idiot.
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I go, no, I made a mistake, but I learned from it.
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If someone said to me, oh,
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 Yeah, I hate that book.
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I say, well, let me give you your money back.
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I'm sorry you didn't like it.
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I think it's a great book, but I'm happy to refund you because I'm not going to let them make me believe.
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 Someone said, I hate your book.
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I would go, my God, they hated my book.
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I'd go, well, they didn't like it, I like it.
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So I will always talk to myself well, almost all the time.
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You don't have to do it 100%.
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90% is as good.
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The second way of knowing how you love yourself is how do you treat yourself?
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Do you eat well?
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Do you hydrate?
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Do you get some people, do you lie on the sofa eating potato chips, staying up all night watching Netflix?
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 and knowing you've got to get up at eight and you're still watching something at 4 a.m.
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because that's not love.
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People say to me, I love food.
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I'm like, no.
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 Loving pizza and beer is not love, it's abuse.
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Punishing workouts, that's not love, that's abuse.
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Starving yourself and eating celery juice or drinking Diet Coke, that's not love, it's abuse.
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And the only way to have a body you love is to actually start by loving the one you have.
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So love is, do I really want to eat donuts and Pop-Tarts and soda first thing in the morning?
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Would I give that to a baby?
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Would I give that to my pet?
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 So how do you talk to yourself first?
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How do you treat yourself second?
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And once you get into, oh, I'm going to love myself, you won't eat donuts for breakfast and lots and lots of takeouts for dinner, because you'll think, that's not love, it's abuse.
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The whole dieting industry is based on abuse.
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Hate your body so much that you starve it, make it do the plank when you're not in the mood.
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 force it to go running in the rain, and then to go, I hate my legs, I hate my stomach.
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And then the third part is, how do you let other people treat you?
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Do you let them put you down?
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Do you lend them money when you can't afford it?
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Do you go out of your way to give them a lift?
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Are you a real people pleaser?
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If you get the first one right, the other two will click into place anyway.
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 But again, you're back into that, I'm trying to buy your love.
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I'm trying to earn your affection.
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I'm trying to make you like me.
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And people like you when you like you enough to say, oh, this doesn't suit me.
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No, I don't really, I can't have your kids all weekend while you go to Burning Man.
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It just isn't convenient.
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And the other thing about it is don't keep saying, sorry.
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Sorry, I'm late.
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Sorry, I'm sick.
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Say, thank you.
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Thank you for waiting for me.
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 Thanks for being such a great friend.
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Thanks for helping me out."
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Sorry, I'm such a burden.
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I'm sorry.
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I know I'm a pain.
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So when you get to understand what self-love looks like, I dialogue with myself very nicely.
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I treat myself on the whole.
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I can have pizza and ice cream, but I don't need to have four tubs because I'm practicing self-love.
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I love a bit of cake, but I don't need the whole cake.
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 And now that I love myself, when you say something mean, I can go, oh, I'm not going to let that in.
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That's not very loving.
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And it all sounds hard, it's actually incredibly easy.
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 are people-pleasers and we let other people do things that necessarily we don't want to do.
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We end up doing it because we don't want to let someone down or we don't want someone upset at us.
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And then we resent that we did the thing.
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What does that say about us when we are people-pleasing all the time?
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You're putting yourself last and everyone else first.
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And it doesn't mean you should put yourself first, but you should not put yourself last.
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I mean,
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 It's fine if you want to drive to the airport and pick someone up at 4 a.m.
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because you love them.
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That's perfectly okay.
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It's fine to lend someone money, to lend someone your car, but if you're doing it to make them like you, and you don't really want to do it, you put them first and you last.
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And it really helps to go, okay, is this love?