0
SPEAKER_01
Bring a little optimism into your life with The Bright Side, a new kind of daily podcast from Hello Sunshine, hosted by me, Danielle Robay.
0
SPEAKER_01
And me, Simone Boyce.
0
SPEAKER_01
Every weekday, we re bringing you conversations about culture, the latest trends, inspiration, and so much more.
0
SPEAKER_00
I am so excited about this podcast, The Bright Side.
0
SPEAKER_00
You guys are giving people a chance to shine a light on their lives, shine a light on a little advice that they want to share.
0
SPEAKER_05
Listen to The Bright Side on America s number one podcast network, iHeart.
0
SPEAKER_05
Open your free iHeart app and search The Bright Side.
0
SPEAKER_07
Guess what, Will?
0
SPEAKER_07
What s up, Mango?
0
SPEAKER_07
I ve been trying to write a promo for our podcast, Part-Time Genius, but even though we ve done over 250 episodes, we don t really talk about murders or cults.
0
SPEAKER_06
I mean, we did just cover the Illuminati of cheese, so I feel like that makes us pretty edgy.
0
SPEAKER_06
We also solve mysteries like how Chinese is your Chinese food and how do dollar stores make money?
0
SPEAKER_06
And then, of course, can you game a dog show?
0
SPEAKER_06
So what you re saying is everyone should be listening.
0
SPEAKER_06
Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_04
This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol.
0
SPEAKER_04
The joy they brought to the nation.
0
SPEAKER_01
You re free completely.
0
SPEAKER_01
No one is there to destroy you.
0
SPEAKER_04
The danger they endured.
0
SPEAKER_07
They said my head should be cut off.
0
SPEAKER_04
I m John Legend.
0
SPEAKER_04
Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_02
What we re running from, first and foremost, is we re running from trauma.
0
SPEAKER_02
Even the subtle moments in time, someone tells you you re stupid, or you were in the best of environments growing up, but you were fat-shamed by a friend.
0
SPEAKER_02
Those tiny moments that are seemingly insignificant dictate the rest of our lives.
0
SPEAKER_03
Hey, everyone.
0
SPEAKER_03
Welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world.
0
SPEAKER_03
Thanks to each and every single one of you who come back every week to listen, learn and grow.
0
SPEAKER_03
And I m so excited to be talking to you today.
0
SPEAKER_03
I can t believe it.
0
SPEAKER_03
My new book, Eight Rules of Love, is out and I cannot wait to share it with you.
0
SPEAKER_03
I am so, so excited for you to read this book, for you to listen to this book.
0
SPEAKER_03
I read the audiobook.
0
SPEAKER_03
If you haven t got it already,
0
SPEAKER_03
make sure you go to 8rulesoflove.com.
0
SPEAKER_03
It s dedicated to anyone who s trying to find, keep, or let go of love.
0
SPEAKER_03
So if you ve got friends that are dating, broken up, or struggling with love, make sure you grab this book.
0
SPEAKER_03
And I d love to invite you to come and see me for my global tour, Love Rules.
0
SPEAKER_03
go to jscheddytour.com to learn more information about tickets, VIP experiences, and more.
0
SPEAKER_03
I can t wait to see you this year.
0
SPEAKER_03
Now, today we have on a guest who has already been on before, and we don t do that very often, but I have to do it for this special guest, a dear friend, an incredible author, number one New York Times bestseller, multiple
0
SPEAKER_03
international best-selling books, the one and only Gabby Bernstein.
0
SPEAKER_03
Gabby, thank you so much for coming back to On Purpose.
0
SPEAKER_02
Thank you.
0
SPEAKER_03
We ve loved each other from the moment we first met.
0
SPEAKER_02
Totally.
0
SPEAKER_03
And that was six years ago now, believe it or not.
0
SPEAKER_03
And we ve talked about this multiple times about how we just instantly connected and we found a way to stay connected with me moving from New York to LA through to not being able to see each other.
0
SPEAKER_03
We just said, hadn t seen you for three years.
0
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_03
But you wrote this incredible book called Happy Days, the guided path from trauma to profound freedom and inner peace.
0
SPEAKER_03
And I want everyone who s listening right now to go and order your copy because you re gonna love this conversation and you re going to want the book even more.
0
SPEAKER_03
So go and grab your copy right now.
0
SPEAKER_03
But Gabby, you wrote this book at a tough time.
0
SPEAKER_03
You know, at a really tough time in the world.
0
SPEAKER_03
And I wanted to kind of take a step back
0
SPEAKER_03
Because when we re doing this work that we do, and you ve served millions of people for years now that you ve been doing this, this has really been a labor of love for you.
0
SPEAKER_03
You ve brought joy to so many people over a decade.
0
SPEAKER_03
And my question is, what is happiness?
0
SPEAKER_03
Like, let s really talk about what is happiness, because we keep chasing these words.
0
SPEAKER_03
People are chasing mindfulness or happiness or joy or success.
0
SPEAKER_03
But it s like, when you ve thought about happiness from all your learnings, all your wisdom, all of your journey, what is happiness?
0
SPEAKER_02
My answer today is quite different than it would have been six years ago when we first did our first interview.
0
SPEAKER_02
The difference is a greater understanding of what happiness is not.
0
SPEAKER_02
I had to really go to that place to come through and be on the other side of what it truly is.
0
SPEAKER_02
And I began to really deepen my awareness and understanding of what takes us out of that presence of joy.
0
SPEAKER_02
And as Peter Levine, the founder of Somatic Experiencing, he says that trauma is the inability to be present.
0
SPEAKER_02
And trauma is often the root cause of most of our unhappiness.
0
SPEAKER_02
whether it s big T trauma or small T trauma.
0
SPEAKER_02
Big T like living through a catastrophic event or having kind of violence in the household.
0
SPEAKER_02
Or small T trauma, being told you re not good enough or being bullied.
0
SPEAKER_02
But we all have it in some way.
0
SPEAKER_02
And when we have it and it s not resolved, we build up all of these defense mechanisms against it.
0
SPEAKER_02
And that creates the inability to be present and to really experience life
0
SPEAKER_02
with all of its moment-to-moment richness.
0
SPEAKER_02
And right here, right now, looking at you and really taking you in and really just feeling into the thrill of what it s like to be back in the same room with a very dear friend and somebody I love.
0
SPEAKER_02
And even when I came in and I hugged you,
0
SPEAKER_02
You know, six years ago, I would have been like, hey, Jay, and like very like not in my body and not in the present moment with you because I was still stuck in that truncated trauma.
0
SPEAKER_02
And so coming through the other side of that, what happiness means to me now is the ability to be fully present.
0
SPEAKER_02
And I m not using that language as like some woo-woo, but to be fully present in the moment with whatever is going on right here, right now.
0
SPEAKER_02
And that is how I m living today.
0
SPEAKER_02
And it s epic.
0
SPEAKER_02
It s wonderful.
0
SPEAKER_02
The fact that I could be in the Uber on my way here having a really awesome conversation with the woman driving me and getting to know a new person and then walking in a room and just being able to hug my friend and feel that.
0
SPEAKER_02
So that was a really long answer, but it s important to really recognize that I did not know what true happiness was until nine books later, 16 years as a spiritual teacher.
0
SPEAKER_02
And I knew what it was for myself along the way, but now I really feel like I ve gotten to a place where it truly has transcended sort of these obvious descriptions.
0
SPEAKER_03
I really like that definition and I really like that approach because I think that presence is so over-talked about but undervalued and under-applied.
0
SPEAKER_03
We hear about it a lot, as you said, but we don t really know how to live it because presence to us
0
SPEAKER_03
often actually means judgment or presence means I m present right now but now I m going to critique that or I m going to see that.
0
SPEAKER_03
Tell us how you think about presence differently because often people say well when I m present I just spot everything that s going wrong right now or when I m present I just start highlighting things that I don t like or do like for that matter.
0
SPEAKER_03
So how do you see presence as being
0
SPEAKER_03
beyond judgment and criticism and observation.
0
SPEAKER_02
That s an interesting outlook on it.
0
SPEAKER_02
So the concept of be present, it s just thrown around and it s this concept of just sort of, you know, when you meditate and you quiet your mind, you re, yeah, yeah, yeah, fine.
0
SPEAKER_02
But really what I believe is when you go on the journey of undoing the storylines of your past and to such a point and level that they no longer have a hold on your nervous system,
0
SPEAKER_02
and you begin to reorganize your reactivity and your relationship to yourself and how you respond to the world, then you start to establish what is known in SE somatic experiencing as a felt sense.
0
SPEAKER_02
It s a felt sense of, and what that means is I can stand outside my house in the country right now at this season change and smell spring.
0
SPEAKER_02
I can look in my son s eyes and feel the most insane rush of oxytocin move through my heart when he just looks me in the eye.
0
SPEAKER_02
And that s actually not the human experience typically.
0
SPEAKER_02
Typically we are moving so fast, so dissociated from, so checked out from.
0
SPEAKER_02
We have disembodied.
0
SPEAKER_02
We re walking around like, you know, without our heads on.
0
SPEAKER_02
And I could only say it s because I ve lived like that for many, many years and had to work really hard with my meditation and with my spiritual
1
SPEAKER_00
practice to keep coming back to groundedness.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so there s a lot of that yo-yo of like, I m out, I m in, I m out, I m in.
1
SPEAKER_00
But what if you could live life just fully in the presence of where you are in every given moment and truly taking it all in?
1
SPEAKER_00
And that was always sort of like, oh, that would be so, you know, that s where we re going.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s what we re talking about in my spiritual books.
1
SPEAKER_00
But I know that now.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I know that you as my friend, who s known me for six years, I m sure you can feel that in being with me in this room right now versus six years ago.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I ve had that experience, even through writing this book, my ninth book, that presence came through the, is infused in every imprint.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so,
1
SPEAKER_00
I didn t think this was where we were going, but it s actually, it truly is what happiness is to me.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s being in the experience of things.
1
SPEAKER_00
And actually being able to experience life.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I love what you said there.
1
SPEAKER_01
To me, it really felt that example of you looking into your son s eyes.
1
SPEAKER_01
When you said that, I think what I love about that experience is that it s so immersive.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then you said to take it all in.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I feel like that s really what presence is, is the ability to take it all in.
1
SPEAKER_01
in through all your senses that we don t even use.
1
SPEAKER_01
I often, when I m teaching meditation and we re activating people s senses, we start recognizing how we over rely on our eyes.
1
SPEAKER_01
The only sense we actually observe through is our eyes and maybe then our ears.
1
SPEAKER_01
But our nose, our sense of touch is fairly unconscious.
1
SPEAKER_01
We re not always aware of temperatures, textures, scents and things like that, which I find is we re not taking it all in.
1
SPEAKER_01
One of the things you just reminded me of is I read a study recently that was talking about the awe effect.
1
SPEAKER_01
and it was saying that we re happier and we have more pro-social behaviour when we experience awe.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s right.
1
SPEAKER_01
And when you spoke about your son s eyes, I was thinking about the idea of awe.
1
SPEAKER_01
So awe is generally nature, beautiful landscapes, views, but someone s eyes could be awe.
1
SPEAKER_01
And it was saying that the reason why we love awe is because we simultaneously feel tiny
1
SPEAKER_01
but a part of something bigger.
1
SPEAKER_01
Beautiful.
1
SPEAKER_01
So you feel a sense of insignificance but connectedness at the same time.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I think that s what presence is to me.
1
SPEAKER_00
I love that.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I think that someone listening right now might be like,
1
SPEAKER_00
What are they talking about?
1
SPEAKER_00
How could I, you know, because the truth is, is I probably, I get that.
1
SPEAKER_00
I understand that.
1
SPEAKER_00
You know, what does that even mean to be present?
1
SPEAKER_00
What does it even mean to be in awe?
1
SPEAKER_00
Because we live in such a protector mode.
1
SPEAKER_00
We have this huge buildup, almost like a wall built up against the presence of that energy, of that awe.
1
SPEAKER_00
And from a spiritual perspective, it s almost like we have to dismantle each of these bricks on this wall to just reconnect to and return to that presence within ourselves.
1
SPEAKER_00
And truly, even in the midst of this experience of not being connected to that awe and that presence for many, many years, I was still able to touch into it.
1
SPEAKER_00
I was on a path and a journey towards it.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I think that that actually really benefited my readers and it benefited the journey that I was on because that s where many people were with me.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so this stage of my life, 42 years young, and with much, you know, 16 years of being in this field, I have this experience right now of having kind of up-leveled
1
SPEAKER_00
my well-being.
1
SPEAKER_00
And that s actually what my hope is for my reader right now.
1
SPEAKER_00
If you open this book, right, or if you are even listening to us right now have this conversation, you ve unconsciously or consciously raised your hand and said, yeah, I m ready to up-level.
1
SPEAKER_00
And the gift of having this global crisis that we ve all just lived through is that so many of us just started to crack open to the reality that we couldn t just pretend anymore.
1
SPEAKER_00
And this is the journey of kind of unearthing why we have been running and how we ve been running and how to stop.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, what are some of the ways you think
1
SPEAKER_01
we re not even aware.
1
SPEAKER_01
You have a chapter in the book called, you know, like why we run away.
1
SPEAKER_01
And it s like, what are some of those hidden ways of running away that you think stay with us?
1
SPEAKER_01
Because I almost feel like there s the obvious ways we know we run away.
1
SPEAKER_01
Then there s the middle, like in between hidden ones where we kind of convince ourselves that we re not running away.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then finally we raise our hands, as you said, and say, I m ready to level up.
1
SPEAKER_01
What are some of those hidden, confusing places where we re running away or excuses that happen that block us?
1
SPEAKER_00
I m going to come out straight with it, Jay.
1
SPEAKER_00
What we re running from, first and foremost, is we re running from trauma, period, end of story.
1
SPEAKER_00
And that word has such a loaded stigma around it, and I m just wanting to bust through that now.
1
SPEAKER_00
Because we are all traumatized.
1
SPEAKER_00
You can t be alive in this world right now at this time, or even decades ago,
1
SPEAKER_00
without experiencing trauma in some form.
1
SPEAKER_00
And like I said, some of us may have been brought up with a totally secure attachment, so much resilience, so much grace in our life, and we ve experienced trauma, but maybe you re able to move through it with more ease because you had that safe, secure experience.
1
SPEAKER_00
But it doesn t mean that you re unscathed.
1
SPEAKER_00
It doesn t mean that you have missed the life s lessons.
1
SPEAKER_00
Because even the subtle moments in time, someone tells you you re stupid, you re six years old, right?
1
SPEAKER_00
Or you were in the best of environments growing up, but you were fat shamed by a friend.
1
SPEAKER_00
Those tiny moments that are seemingly insignificant dictate the rest of our lives.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so that s what we re running from.
1
SPEAKER_00
The bigger T the trauma, as you mentioned, you know, well, actually we haven t gotten there yet, but I reveal really big T trauma that I had remembered when I was 36 years old.
1
SPEAKER_00
The bigger the T the trauma, child abuse or living with an alcoholic parent, whatever it might be, but regardless of how big or small the T is, there is something that needs to be undone.
1
SPEAKER_00
because ultimately that s what we re running from.
1
SPEAKER_00
And how are we running?
1
SPEAKER_00
We re running with drugs, we re running with alcohol, we re running with food, we re running with judgment, we re running with work, we re running with rage, we re running with control.
1
SPEAKER_00
And all the lists that I just identified are protector parts of us.
1
SPEAKER_00
So let me just simplify it even more.
1
SPEAKER_00
I am now trained in internal family systems therapy, and the simplification of this is that we have these moments in time where we disembody, we ve experienced some kind of trauma, we check out, and then we say, oh, I never want to feel that shame.
1
SPEAKER_00
I never want to feel that terror again.
1
SPEAKER_00
We just lock it up.
1
SPEAKER_00
And those are called exiled parts of us.
1
SPEAKER_00
They re often young parts.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then we build up all these ways of protecting ourselves.
1
SPEAKER_00
And that s the control, that s the drugs, that s the addiction, that s the workaholism, whatever it might be, to protect ourselves from ever experiencing that pain again.
1
SPEAKER_00
We all have exiles and we all have protectors.
1
SPEAKER_00
And this journey that we need to go on is to really relax those protector parts so that they can remember that there is a source of love and an internal parent within us that can take care of us.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s incredible, isn t it, that what you re saying are these protector parts are actually causing us more pain.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
So we think we re protecting ourselves by running away, so we have this protector part, but that protection is not protection.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s actually deepening the wound.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s correct.
1
SPEAKER_01
But it looks and feels and sounds like protection.
1
SPEAKER_01
I ve been speaking to a lot of people lately who are saying to me, Jay, I am too sensitive and empathetic towards this world and I don t feel like I belong here.
1
SPEAKER_01
yeah right like there s this feeling of like i just want a world full of love and kindness and i don t feel like i belong here yeah it can feel scary to look at the trauma right it s scary like there s a big fear
1
SPEAKER_01
around whether it s a small t-trauma or a big t-trauma as you said, it can be really tough and you said after doing so much of this work 36, six years ago was when you were able to look at it, what do you think blocked you up until that point from looking at it even though you were doing so much work or how did your work that you were doing actually open that up as well?
1
SPEAKER_00
Both, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, dissociation.
1
SPEAKER_00
So similar to what your friends are saying, it s like, it s too scary to live in this world.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so you know what, often one of the great protector parts is to dissociate, to check out, to even meditate above, right?
1
SPEAKER_00
To just try to, in some way, numb that out.
1
SPEAKER_00
And for me, I, at 36, in a dream, remembered sexual abuse from my childhood.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I had such a huge aha moment when that dream surfaced because this is why I was a cocaine addict.
1
SPEAKER_00
This is why I was an alcoholic.
1
SPEAKER_00
This is why I was a workaholic.
1
SPEAKER_00
This is why I was controlling the shit out of everything in my life.
1
SPEAKER_00
So there was relief in knowing, okay, this is what I ve been running from.
1
SPEAKER_00
And it was so extreme in my case
2
SPEAKER_03
that my brain literally just, you know, it s a beautiful brain response to say, oh, this is so overwhelming to the system that it s going to be totally checked out and dissociated from.
2
SPEAKER_03
But even if you dissociate from a memory, it still shows up in your body.
2
SPEAKER_03
It still shows up in your gastrointestinal issues.
2
SPEAKER_03
It shows up in your sleep, it shows up in your relationships, it shows up in your addiction, it shows up everywhere because you may not have the actual claiming of the memory, but the memory is still in your nervous system.
2
SPEAKER_03
I remembered at 36 because by that stage, I d already written about, I d been 11 years sober, I d probably written seven books.
2
SPEAKER_03
I d been really on this very big quest to my own spiritual awakening.
2
SPEAKER_03
And all the work that I had done and everything I d written about got me to the place where I was safe enough to remember.
2
SPEAKER_03
You know, everything s in the perfect order.
2
SPEAKER_03
There s no accident.
2
SPEAKER_03
I d done a tremendous amount of spiritual work, a tremendous amount of therapeutic work.
2
SPEAKER_03
I got to a place in my life.
2
SPEAKER_03
Also, this is important to recognize, where there was a lot of new things happening around me.
2
SPEAKER_03
So control was one of the ways that I kept that exiled story at bay.
2
SPEAKER_03
But a lot of things in my life at that time were falling out of control.
2
SPEAKER_03
So my husband was leaving his job at J.P.
2
SPEAKER_03
Morgan to come run our business.
2
SPEAKER_03
We were talking about family planning.
2
SPEAKER_03
We had just gotten married.
2
SPEAKER_03
So these big life moments are often when people do remember traumas.
2
SPEAKER_03
Or if it s a trauma that you re aware of, it can really get activated and come to the surface.
2
SPEAKER_03
So just something for the listener to consider.
2
SPEAKER_03
And it was so horrific and so scary to remember that, but the journey that I ve underwent since that time is what allows me to put my face on this book cover and have it say the guided path from trauma to profound freedom and inner peace and mean every freaking word of that.
2
SPEAKER_03
and to be able to stand behind that with full integrity, authenticity, and power, to be able to say, you know what, so all these people are so traumatized, everyone s so traumatized, and I can say, go do this.
2
SPEAKER_03
And it s a gift to be able to live to tell.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, absolutely.
2
SPEAKER_00
I really appreciate what you said about being safe enough.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
Because I think that when you start this work,
2
SPEAKER_00
It s not that all of it happens at the same level and it s not that the work looks the same every year.
2
SPEAKER_00
And so when you start doing personal growth, self-development, spiritual work, whatever it may be, it s going to look different every single year.
2
SPEAKER_00
New things are going to be unlocked and opened and unearthed.
2
SPEAKER_00
And so I think people can feel comfortable that if they re on the journey, there will be a point at which it s safe enough, in your words, to feel that you can be revealed to that.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I wanted to say something here because I love this dedication.
2
SPEAKER_00
And when you said that about getting married and trauma, you actually dedicate this book to your husband.
2
SPEAKER_00
For my husband, Zach, thank you for loving all of my parts and helping me feel safer than I ever thought possible, which I thought was beautiful.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, you reading that is like really emotional for me.
2
SPEAKER_03
Because, you know, it was a trauma for him to be married to me.
2
SPEAKER_03
And you know, Jay, I opened this book by saying that my publishers came to me and I sent them the manuscript, and these are publishers I d worked with for so many years, and I d written books and they would just accept the manuscript, the universe has your back, ready to print, you know, super attractor, ready to print.
2
SPEAKER_03
And I send them this manuscript and they write back like, we need to talk.
2
SPEAKER_03
And I get on the phone with them and they re like,
2
SPEAKER_03
We re really nervous for you, Gabby, because you re revealing so much, and it s one negative story after the next, and we don t think that you re showing your true strength. 
2
SPEAKER_03
And my response was, my ability to be this vulnerable is my true strength.
2
SPEAKER_03
But it wasn t just them, it was Zach.
2
SPEAKER_03
When my husband read this book, he edits my books before they go to the publisher.
2
SPEAKER_03
I have an editor, then it goes to Zach, and then it goes to the publisher.
2
SPEAKER_03
And when he read this, it was really triggering for him, super activating.
2
SPEAKER_03
And there was moments when he would say to me, I didn t even know this was going on.
2
SPEAKER_03
And it s so emotional for me because when you re living in that kind of recovery in that crisis, there s so much shame wrapped up in it.
2
SPEAKER_03
And especially when you re the self-help book author, you know, that the shame is so extreme that you feel so alone in the journey.
2
SPEAKER_03
And I just have such a deep gratitude for my husband for holding me in that.
2
SPEAKER_03
I have gratitude for the whole team of therapists that helped me in that, but particularly for my spiritual connection, because without that, I would have been really alone.
2
SPEAKER_03
And so that s really what I want this book to do for people is to help them know they re not alone in this journey and that we all have a lot that we can look at and gently and slowly and safely begin to peel back the layers or take the bricks off the wall.
2
SPEAKER_03
And yeah, but just hearing you read that acknowledgement out loud and that dedication out loud is just, it just says a lot about what it means to hold another person in their trauma.
2
SPEAKER_02
When you find that bright spot to help you get through your day, it s powerful.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s where The Bright Side comes in.
2
SPEAKER_01
A new daily podcast from Hello Sunshine that s bringing you a daily dose of joy.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m Danielle Robay.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I m Simone Boyce.
2
SPEAKER_02
Listen, both Danielle and I are reporters.
2
SPEAKER_02
We ve covered the news and we know the world can feel heavy, but The Bright Side podcast is a space to have a little fun, to learn something new and get into some friendly debates.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s right.
2
SPEAKER_01
Join us five days a week to see how life can look from the bright side.
2
SPEAKER_02
We ll hear from celebrities, authors, experts and listeners like you, whether it s relationships, friend advice or figuring out how to navigate life s transitions.
2
SPEAKER_02
We ll talk through it all together.
2
SPEAKER_01
Listen to the bright side from Hello Sunshine every weekday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
2
SPEAKER_06
A new season of Bridgerton is here.
2
SPEAKER_06
And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
2
SPEAKER_06
I m your host, Gabrielle Collins.
2
SPEAKER_06
And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the ton.
2
SPEAKER_06
Colin Bridgerton has returned from his travels abroad.
2
SPEAKER_06
Is Betrothal written in the stars for the eligible bachelor?
2
SPEAKER_06
Meanwhile, the ton is reverberating with speculation of who holds Lady Whistledown s pen.
2
SPEAKER_06
We re discussing it all.
2
SPEAKER_06
I sit down with Nicola Coughlin, Luke Newton, Shonda Rhimes, and more to offer an exclusive peek behind the scenes of each episode of the new season.
2
SPEAKER_06
Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
2
SPEAKER_06
Then, fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton the official podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
2
SPEAKER_06
Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.
2
SPEAKER_05
Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt and we re the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
2
SPEAKER_04
It s a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
2
SPEAKER_05
Like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
2
SPEAKER_04
We re back with season two of the podcast, which means more opportunities to glow up and become a more responsible and better adult, one life lesson at a time.
2
SPEAKER_05
And let me just tell you, this show is just as much for us as it is for you.
2
SPEAKER_05
So let s figure this stuff out together.
2
SPEAKER_05
This season, we re going to talk about whether or not we re financially and emotionally ready for dog ownership.
2
SPEAKER_04
We re going to figure out the benefits of a high yield savings account.
2
SPEAKER_05
And what exactly are the duties of being a member of the wedding party?
2
SPEAKER_04
All that plus so much more.
2
SPEAKER_05
Let s learn about all of it and then some.
2
SPEAKER_05
Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
2
SPEAKER_00
The reason why it touched me is because, again, I think a lot of listeners, a lot of comments that I see, a lot of story tags that I see, and people that I speak to in my personal life, trauma can break partnerships.
2
SPEAKER_00
Massively.
2
SPEAKER_00
And we see either people struggling in shared trauma, struggling with their individual trauma being passed over to each other, wounds being shared.
2
SPEAKER_00
Explain to us how someone can hold space for someone during their trauma journey and work and as they re on this path.
2
SPEAKER_00
And actually more importantly, because you do tell us the guided path from trauma to profound freedom, how do you help someone help you?
2
SPEAKER_00
I m really interested in that.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
Because I find that so often we expect someone else to help us, but how do you help your partner help you rather than expecting them to be a therapist, which is really unrealistic.
2
SPEAKER_00
Totally unrealistic.
2
SPEAKER_03
Well, there s a lot of answers to that question.
2
SPEAKER_03
So the best way you can help them help you is to just tell the truth to the best of your ability.
2
SPEAKER_03
So even if it s the trauma that you re facing, actually, on my podcast, I workshop people
4
SPEAKER_01
sitting behind there.
4
SPEAKER_01
What have you found, because you ve been researching this, studying this, you give a guided path, what were other useful resources on that journey that you kind of recommend to people in the book to say, hey, check this person out or think about this idea or area of your work?
4
SPEAKER_00
In that chapter, I really referenced the work of Dr. John Sarno, who wrote Healing Back Pain, he wrote the Mind-Body Prescription, and all of his work was really based on the premise that our physical conditions are psychosomatic.
4
SPEAKER_00
And by no means in my book, in my work or in his work, was there any reference of don t get that medication or don t go on that therapeutic path physically, whatever it might be.
4
SPEAKER_00
But to really look closely at what are the belief systems and the impermissible feelings that are not being met.
4
SPEAKER_00
behind the physical sensations.
4
SPEAKER_00
So for me, in the book, I reference how I had decades of gastrointestinal issues.
4
SPEAKER_00
And what I recognized through my healing journey is that I didn t have gastrointestinal issues.
4
SPEAKER_00
I had unresolved trauma.
4
SPEAKER_00
I had impermissible rage.
4
SPEAKER_00
I had impermissible terror.
4
SPEAKER_00
I had impermissible shame.
4
SPEAKER_00
And as I began to become safer in my nervous system, safer in my mind, safer, you know, reprocessing memories,
4
SPEAKER_00
I have zero gastrointestinal issues.
4
SPEAKER_01
I love hearing that.
4
SPEAKER_00
I didn t have to change, you know, I did for decades, you know, SIBO diets and this thing and I had, you know, this supplement and all of that is necessary when you re having acute problems.
4
SPEAKER_00
You need medication, you need vitamins, you need diets to just get back to baseline and for sure, but all of it goes away.
4
SPEAKER_00
So people are like, well, how do I know if I have trauma?
4
SPEAKER_00
And I m like, well, do you have a sleep disorder?
4
SPEAKER_00
Do you have gastro issues?
4
SPEAKER_00
Do you have TMJ?
4
SPEAKER_00
So go to the body first.
4
SPEAKER_00
Do you have acne?
4
SPEAKER_00
And then it goes even deeper.
4
SPEAKER_00
Do you have panic attacks?
4
SPEAKER_00
Do you have depression?
4
SPEAKER_00
But the bottom line is that our body is a first responder.
4
SPEAKER_00
And our body is such a beautiful way to reveal to us what is needing to be healed.
4
SPEAKER_00
And in fact, we talked about protector parts.
4
SPEAKER_00
The physical body actually is a form of protection, right?
4
SPEAKER_00
So we send from the Sarno perspective, we have a nervous system response because our traumas are triggered.
4
SPEAKER_00
Our body gets tense.
4
SPEAKER_00
We go into that fight-flight response.
4
SPEAKER_00
So that tension shows up in the stomach, that tension shows up in the migraine, that tension starts to block oxygen from flowing to these areas.
4
SPEAKER_00
From a gastrointestinal perspective, it stops the GI tract from actually moving our bowel movements.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then what happens?
4
SPEAKER_00
Bacteria builds up and then you actually do have a real diagnosis of SIBO or IBS or whatever.
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, if you actually relax your nervous system, your whole system can start to move.
4
SPEAKER_00
You can have that perfect digestion begin to settle because you re relaxed.
4
SPEAKER_00
And in that relaxed state, your body can heal.
4
SPEAKER_00
And so we have to really look at the psychosomatic effect of the physical conditions from a psychosomatic perspective.
4
SPEAKER_01
That already relaxes my nervous system going like, oh wow, that s where it is.
4
SPEAKER_01
Because I think a lot of people right now are just, we re tinkering with so many parts of our life and then we re wondering why do I still not feel the way I want to feel?
4
SPEAKER_01
I m doing everything right and I ve been in that position myself where I m like, I m doing everything right.
4
SPEAKER_01
Why am I still not feeling good?
4
SPEAKER_01
And sometimes it is biological if you re psychologically done some of the work, and then it s the other way around as well.
4
SPEAKER_01
What were you surprised by when you started doing this work?
4
SPEAKER_01
What was one of the big surprises that came along as you started to do the work on yourself that you actually thought, wow, I didn t expect this, like I didn t think this was going to happen?
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, I was surprised by the shame.
4
SPEAKER_00
I was like, wow, I have shame?
4
SPEAKER_00
What is that, right?
4
SPEAKER_00
That was so strange, right?
4
SPEAKER_00
I m like this spiritual teacher.
4
SPEAKER_00
I didn t even recognize my shame.
4
SPEAKER_01
What was the shame for?
4
SPEAKER_00
I mean, the shame, when you experience sexual abuse in any form, whether you re particularly as a child, the shame is it s my fault.
4
SPEAKER_00
The shame is I m wrong.
4
SPEAKER_00
And underneath all of this is the belief that we re inadequate and unlovable.
4
SPEAKER_00
My therapist taught me that, and I remember her saying that.
4
SPEAKER_00
And at the time, I m like, I m very adequate and lovable.
4
SPEAKER_00
Like, what the hell are you talking about, you know?
4
SPEAKER_00
Decade later, wow, that is absolutely a core belief that I carried for so long.
4
SPEAKER_00
And another big thing I realized was how
4
SPEAKER_00
My spiritual practice actually really saved me and was the through line of all of the guidance of the work that I was led to.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I, in the book, reference very spiritual therapeutic practices for trauma.
4
SPEAKER_00
So I reference EMDR, which is eye movement desensitization and reprocessing.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s bilateral brain stimulation that allows you to reprocess memories.
4
SPEAKER_00
I reference SE, somatic experiencing, which is a body-based trauma therapy.
4
SPEAKER_00
IFS, which I went as far as to get trained in.
4
SPEAKER_00
And IFS is all about the caring for your inner child parts.
4
SPEAKER_00
And these specific therapies are all very spiritual.
4
SPEAKER_00
In the clinical space, they may not be referenced in that way, but I can say that, right?
4
SPEAKER_00
And I can be the spiritual voice for them.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I believe it s spirit that my spirit guides, that my connection to God very, very, very clearly laid out this path for me.
4
SPEAKER_00
and not just for me to live it, but also for me to share it.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then I would say one of the biggest surprises though was when I would meet these different therapeutic practices, each time I was blown away.
4
SPEAKER_00
I was like, oh my God, what, you know, I was carrying that.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh my God, next level.
4
SPEAKER_00
That is so present in my body.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh my God, you know, and just witnessing and witnessing.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I think that one of the biggest surprises also, Jay, is that when you live with trauma, you think that s who you are.
4
SPEAKER_00
You just think, I am a workaholic.
4
SPEAKER_00
I am a control freak.
4
SPEAKER_00
And you don t know that there is a way out.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I am so proud.
4
SPEAKER_00
The greatest gift I ll give this world is my bravery to go to the places that scared me and come out the other side so that I can live to tell that this works, that you can survive trauma, and that you can thrive.
4
SPEAKER_03
Guess what, Mango?
4
SPEAKER_03
What s that, Will?
4
SPEAKER_03
So iHeart is giving us a whole minute to promote our podcast, Part-Time Genius.
4
SPEAKER_04
I know, that s why I spent my whole week composing a haiku for the occasion.
4
SPEAKER_04
It s about my emotional journey in podcasting over the last seven years, and it s called Earthquake House.
4
SPEAKER_03
Mango, I m going to cut you off right there.
4
SPEAKER_04
Why don t we just tell people about our show instead?
4
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, that s a better idea.
4
SPEAKER_04
So every week on Part-Time Genius, we feed our curiosity by answering the world s most important questions.
4
SPEAKER_04
Things like, when did America start dialing 911?
4
SPEAKER_04
is William Shatner s best acting work in Esperanto.
4
SPEAKER_04
Also, what happened to Esperanto?
4
SPEAKER_03
Plus, we cover questions like how Chinese is your Chinese food?
4
SPEAKER_03
How do dollar stores stay in business?
4
SPEAKER_03
And of course, is there an Illuminati of cheese?
4
SPEAKER_03
There absolutely is.
4
SPEAKER_04
And we are risking our lives by talking about it.
4
SPEAKER_04
But if you love mind blowing facts, incredible history and really bad jokes, make your brains happy and tune in to Part Time Genius.
4
SPEAKER_03
Listen to Part Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
4
SPEAKER_02
When the Taliban banned music in Afghanistan, millions were plunged into silence.
4
SPEAKER_02
Radios were smashed, cassettes burned.
4
SPEAKER_02
You could be beaten or jailed or killed for breaking the rules.
4
SPEAKER_02
And yet, Afghans did it anyway.
4
SPEAKER_02
This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol.
4
SPEAKER_02
The danger they endured.
4
SPEAKER_04
They said my head should be cut off.
4
SPEAKER_02
The joy they brought to the nation.
4
SPEAKER_00
You re free completely.
4
SPEAKER_00
No one is there to destroy you.
4
SPEAKER_02
I m John Legend.
4
SPEAKER_02
Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
4
SPEAKER_01
I feel it, the confidence in your space.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I also just appreciate how you were able to push back your control parameters and protectors.
4
SPEAKER_01
Because like you said, you ve been doing this work for a long time.
4
SPEAKER_01
You ve been teaching this work, you re helping people, you re changing people s lives.
4
SPEAKER_01
And then going, well, actually there s another layer.
4
SPEAKER_01
What layer of love was that work in the trauma?
4
SPEAKER_01
Like when you said we have that deep-held belief of I m unlovable and I m... Inadequate.
4
SPEAKER_01
Inadequate.
4
SPEAKER_01
How do you fall in love with yourself again when you realize that s at the root of it?
4
SPEAKER_01
Because really you re not trying to fall in love with yourself.
4
SPEAKER_01
Before you re trying to protect and fix.
4
SPEAKER_01
And then all of a sudden, now you re saying at this stage... You return to.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, you return to.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, exactly.
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, I m going to answer that from an IFS perspective.
4
SPEAKER_00
When I use the acronym IFS, it s Internal Family Systems Therapy.
4
SPEAKER_00
And it s not actually about your family, your outside family, it s about your inner family.
4
SPEAKER_00
So you ve got your exiled parts of you and you ve got your protector parts of you.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then we all have self.
4
SPEAKER_00
Your language, you might call it higher self or God or the universe.
5
SPEAKER_01
And I did that as well for many years, inner guidance.
5
SPEAKER_01
And self is self with a capital S. And what self is, is the internal parent.
5
SPEAKER_01
It s the undamaged, resourced part of who we are.
5
SPEAKER_01
It s the man that I m sitting with here right now.
5
SPEAKER_01
You show up to your podcast in self.
5
SPEAKER_01
And that s actually why it s so resonant with people because they feel that there s no ego attached to it.
5
SPEAKER_01
There s no, you re not showing up with like a presence of neediness or anything.
5
SPEAKER_01
You re showing up, this is me.
5
SPEAKER_01
This is what I m here to do.
5
SPEAKER_01
I m on my mission.
5
SPEAKER_01
But when your wife triggers you, your protector parts might show up, and you might start to get into an extreme pattern.
5
SPEAKER_01
And that s for all of us.
5
SPEAKER_01
So we all have access to this undamaged resource part of who we are, self qualities or courage, compassion, calmness, creativity, curiosity, connectedness.
5
SPEAKER_01
And when we are in that presence of self, like you and I are here right now,
5
SPEAKER_01
Anything s possible.
5
SPEAKER_01
I could say to you right now something really difficult for you to hear, but you would hear it with love because I m grounded in that self-energy.
5
SPEAKER_01
And so the main way to fall back in love with yourself is to let self become the leader of your inner system.
5
SPEAKER_01
So it s not like we want to control or push down or manage these protector parts of ourselves.
5
SPEAKER_01
There s no bad parts.
5
SPEAKER_01
We just want to help them be less extreme.
5
SPEAKER_01
and how we want to let them know that there s an internal parent.
5
SPEAKER_01
Let me give you a really clear example.
5
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
5
SPEAKER_01
So I, let s say something triggered me last week.
5
SPEAKER_01
I was like in a conversation with some friends and I was like, Oh my God, they don t like me.
5
SPEAKER_01
Like an old
5
SPEAKER_01
exiled part was there.
5
SPEAKER_01
And when the exiled part comes up, you don t want to feel it, right?
5
SPEAKER_01
So then one of my protectors tries to numb it out.
5
SPEAKER_01
And the protector is the judger in that case.
5
SPEAKER_01
Like, well, they re wrong, right?
5
SPEAKER_01
And I go into like all the reasons they re wrong because I don t want to feel that shame.
5
SPEAKER_01
And then I m like, well, oh my God, no, I m wrong because I, you know, so we attack others, we attack ourselves.
5
SPEAKER_01
And so those are protector parts.
5
SPEAKER_00
And the judge- Someone has to be wrong.
5
SPEAKER_00
Somebody asked me wrong, right?
5
SPEAKER_01
So the judger was there to protect me from feeling that impermissible feeling.
5
SPEAKER_01
And then because I have this great through line to self, I was able to notice, oh, OK, I notice there s a protector up.
5
SPEAKER_01
OK, notice.
5
SPEAKER_01
Where do I feel that in my body?
5
SPEAKER_01
Notice.
5
SPEAKER_01
Does it have a color?
5
SPEAKER_01
Does it have a shape?
5
SPEAKER_01
Is there something that it wants to say to me?
5
SPEAKER_01
What do I know about it?
5
SPEAKER_01
OK, I know it s young.
5
SPEAKER_01
I know it s a young girl who doesn t feel like she is understood in high school, right?
5
SPEAKER_01
And I know that she s just wanting to blame others because she s so scared.
5
SPEAKER_01
And what does she need right now?
5
SPEAKER_01
She needs a hug.
5
SPEAKER_01
She needs to breathe.
5
SPEAKER_01
And I can let her actually speak to me.
5
SPEAKER_01
And I can listen to that part.
5
SPEAKER_01
And then I can give her what she needs.
5
SPEAKER_01
And so it s literally a practice of becoming your own internal parent, creating the secure attachment that we did not get from our parents with ourselves.
5
SPEAKER_01
And there s no greater form of self-love than letting self with a capital S lead your entire system.
5
SPEAKER_01
And you have to see the thing here, Jay, is I didn t shame that part.
5
SPEAKER_01
I wasn t like, oh, that judge is there, or that young child part s showing up, like you re a loser.
5
SPEAKER_01
I actually really got curious about it.
5
SPEAKER_01
I was compassionate toward it.
5
SPEAKER_01
I brought a calm energy to it.
5
SPEAKER_01
And so the goal here really is to begin to soften and relax the protectors.
5
SPEAKER_01
Because frankly, Jay, you know, the protectors are not bad, right?
5
SPEAKER_01
Like the controller wrote nine books in 11 years.
5
SPEAKER_01
You know, she did a good job.
5
SPEAKER_01
So, but we just want her to be less extreme.
5
SPEAKER_01
And so she can keep producing and keep creating, but not in that extreme way.
5
SPEAKER_01
It s a lot of density.
5
SPEAKER_01
In chapter seven of the book, I go deep into IFS, but I want to just reiterate for the listener, notice no need.
5
SPEAKER_01
Note it in the moment when you can, if you have enough awareness to notice that you re triggered, notice it in your body.
5
SPEAKER_01
What does it feel like?
5
SPEAKER_01
Is there a color?
5
SPEAKER_01
Is there a shape?
5
SPEAKER_01
What do you know about it?
5
SPEAKER_01
And then what does it need?
5
SPEAKER_01
And give yourself a moment to try that out.
5
SPEAKER_00
even though there s so much depth to it, I felt that was very clear because I think that s what we re ultimately avoiding is accepting that we have an inner child need.
5
SPEAKER_00
That s right.
5
SPEAKER_00
Right?
5
SPEAKER_00
It s like that s ultimately what we re running away from is that we do have a gap internally and it isn t gonna be solved through something in the external world.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s not gonna be solved through someone saying something to us in a nice way or someone changing.
5
SPEAKER_00
Right.
5
SPEAKER_00
Right?
5
SPEAKER_01
It s not gonna be- Yeah, like my husband changing his tone is never going to heal my wounds, right?
5
SPEAKER_01
It may create a world where I m less activated, less frequently, but like someone else s behavior cannot change your reactivity.
5
SPEAKER_01
And that doesn t mean the other person shouldn t show up as well, but like, you have to be your internal parent.
5
SPEAKER_01
Your partner can t be your parent.
5
SPEAKER_01
Frankly, in many ways, your parent can t parent you back to that, you know?
5
SPEAKER_01
Especially if they re, you know, 42 years old or whatever it is.
5
SPEAKER_01
As a little child the expectation is you ll have that but most don t.
5
SPEAKER_00
That s so powerful because I think most of us what we re yearning for is to live in a less deactivated state.
5
SPEAKER_00
So ideally what we want is if everyone was just nicer and kinder then things would just feel better.
5
SPEAKER_00
Right?
5
SPEAKER_00
But the reality is that not everyone s just going to be nicer and kinder.
5
SPEAKER_00
And if we can be in that environment, that s beautiful.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s a great environment to grow in.
5
SPEAKER_00
But what you just said was so brilliant.
5
SPEAKER_00
You were like, you know, if my husband changing his tone is not going to solve the wound.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I think that that s why the path that you just laid out is fantastic because we re constantly checking in with everyone else s needs.
5
SPEAKER_00
We re trying to be pleasing to other people s needs.
5
SPEAKER_00
I don t know the last time most people, if we re honest with ourselves, and I want everyone who s listening to truly be honest with yourself.
5
SPEAKER_00
When was the last time you checked in with yourself, and not just yourself, your inner child self, the younger self, as Gabby was saying, and said, what do you need?
5
SPEAKER_00
I just, I mean, even me, I m listening, I m going, I can t remember the last time I did that for myself.
5
SPEAKER_01
And the distinction here too is that you re asking the protector part what it means because the exiled parts are really locked up, Jay, like they re like locked in a basement.
5
SPEAKER_01
And to start to touch into the exiles, I would recommend doing that with IFS therapy, like with an IFS therapist, you can learn more about it.
5
SPEAKER_01
I do an interview with Dick Schwartz on my podcast.
5
SPEAKER_01
And then obviously in this chapter, there s a whole dialogue about IFS.
5
SPEAKER_01
And we can give some resources links as well in the show notes, but more importantly that you would
5
SPEAKER_01
go through that deeper exiled child part journey with a trained therapist, particularly in this system, but that you right now, right here, can start to just be a parent to those protector parts.
5
SPEAKER_01
And that s the first step.
5
SPEAKER_01
Because the protectors are really the ones that you can see.
5
SPEAKER_01
The child s activated, but the protector swoops right in.
5
SPEAKER_01
The protector s like, oh, I m going to lock that door.
5
SPEAKER_01
There s a little activation, no thank you.
5
SPEAKER_01
I m going to put that fire out by picking up a drink.
5
SPEAKER_01
I m going to put that fire out by raging.
5
SPEAKER_01
And so you want to work with the alcoholic.
5
SPEAKER_01
You want to work with the rager.
5
SPEAKER_01
And the more you softened your relationship to those protector parts, the closer you can get to the exile.
5
SPEAKER_01
Because the protectors are there, first responders, like no way, you re not going to get behind that door.
5
SPEAKER_01
And so you have to start to soften those relationships.
5
SPEAKER_00
That s good.
5
SPEAKER_00
That s a good distinction for me because I was, yeah, I think my space was still with the exiled part.
5
SPEAKER_00
But as you said, for a lot of people, those may be too locked up.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, and for some it s less so.
5
SPEAKER_01
For some people that have done a lot of personal growth work, like if you and I were to do a session in IFS right now, we could get to your child parts and you d be very safe there.
5
SPEAKER_01
You ve done a lot of work, you re safe in your system, we could go to an exile.
5
SPEAKER_01
But I would never, like the average person that hasn t done a lot of personal growth work, it s not safe to go there.
5
SPEAKER_01
Without the therapy, yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yes, yeah, absolutely.
5
SPEAKER_00
And that s a great distinction to make, again, that we don t want people going off and trying to do something that isn t gonna serve them.
5
SPEAKER_00
You talk a lot about, you know, in the book, I think one of the last chapters, or the last chapters, love every part.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I think just as we believe we re unlovable and inadequate, we somehow believe that that s not possible.
5
SPEAKER_00
Right, somewhere inside of us, there s a belief that it s actually not possible.
5
SPEAKER_00
to be happy or to love ourselves.
5
SPEAKER_00
It just exists there somewhere.
5
SPEAKER_00
Do we develop a belief that it exists before we find it or do we start looking for it and find it along the way?
5
SPEAKER_01
I was looking for it and found it along the way.
5
SPEAKER_01
And I remember being in the early stages of remembering the trauma and waking up super depressed, waking up so down, so scared, totally disembodied for months.
5
SPEAKER_01
When you actually remember dissociative trauma, you kind of go back into it.
5
SPEAKER_01
So you re living in terror, like everything is just danger.
5
SPEAKER_01
And I was just like, there s no way out.
5
SPEAKER_01
But I was so committed.
5
SPEAKER_01
And so I think the most important message is it s not
6
SPEAKER_01
It s not about getting out overnight.
6
SPEAKER_01
In AA, when you get sober, they say, I wish you a slow recovery.
6
SPEAKER_01
Because that means that you re doing the work.
6
SPEAKER_00
Wow, I love that.
6
SPEAKER_01
It means that you re going under the surface and peeling back the layers.
6
SPEAKER_01
And so the same goes, addiction really is a root cause, is trauma, period.
6
SPEAKER_01
So it s really going back slowly into the trauma.
6
SPEAKER_01
And so I would say that to the person that s recognizing trauma is, I wish you a slow recovery, meaning that every small layer that you peel back is a miracle.
6
SPEAKER_01
And the more you add up those miracle moments, the closer you get to living a miraculous life.
6
SPEAKER_01
So you can celebrate your successes along the way.
6
SPEAKER_01
So for today, maybe you pick up Happy Days and you just read the first chapter.
6
SPEAKER_01
That s a success story.
6
SPEAKER_01
Maybe you just listen to this podcast episode again.
6
SPEAKER_01
That s another layer.
6
SPEAKER_01
Maybe you practice one of the breath practices in the book.
6
SPEAKER_01
That s another layer.
6
SPEAKER_01
And it s a very, very gentle process, and you have to be
6
SPEAKER_01
fully celebrating every step of the journey.
6
SPEAKER_01
Am I done, Jay?
6
SPEAKER_01
I m not done.
6
SPEAKER_01
I still go to therapy every Wednesday.
6
SPEAKER_01
I still have sometimes two additional sessions a month.
6
SPEAKER_01
I still am deep in EMDR.
6
SPEAKER_01
I m still doing my own IFSM myself.
6
SPEAKER_01
I m going to be going forever, just shining the crystal.
6
SPEAKER_01
And so, but there is really freedom on the other side.
6
SPEAKER_01
There really is.
6
SPEAKER_00
Well, that s that presence again, right?
6
SPEAKER_00
In being present in the process, as you just said.
6
SPEAKER_00
But I think that s what s so hard right now is that because of the way the world s going, everything s become more instant, more fast, fast recovery, quick fix.
6
SPEAKER_00
And I mean, that s always been the way, but it s become more and more and more and more and more.
6
SPEAKER_00
And then when you re being asked to do slow recovery and the real work, which is what we know genuinely has the reward during and at the end of the journey, I find that that
6
SPEAKER_00
Collision is so hard for people because they wake up with resistance again.
6
SPEAKER_00
So it s like just when you had that moment, when you felt you had a breakthrough, you wake up the next morning and the resistance is fully back.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, that s actually why I think it s valuable to build up your toolbox of self-regulating techniques.
6
SPEAKER_01
And they re in here.
6
SPEAKER_01
And the reason that s valuable is that you can still feel relief along the way.
6
SPEAKER_01
you can still have fun along the way.
6
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it s not postponing the journey, yeah.
6
SPEAKER_01
You ve known me for six years.
6
SPEAKER_01
Six years ago, I was like totally in a very different nervous system than I am now.
6
SPEAKER_01
But I still had fun.
6
SPEAKER_01
Oh, 100%.
6
SPEAKER_01
I still could be with you and just have a great time.
6
SPEAKER_01
And it was a different kind of fun.
6
SPEAKER_01
And it was a different kind of experience, because I wasn t in the presence that I m in now.
6
SPEAKER_01
But it s not like you can t live your life and have joy along the way.
6
SPEAKER_01
Especially if you re on the journey.
6
SPEAKER_01
That s why it s called a spiritual path or a spiritual journey.
6
SPEAKER_01
If you re on the path and the journey, every step of it s an up-leveling.
6
SPEAKER_01
And especially if you have this arsenal of these self-regulating tools, okay, I can be going through some big stuff, I can be slowly getting sober, I can be slowly recovering from trauma, I can be slowly going through therapy, but at the same time have these amazing meditations, have these amazing breath practices that soothe me, have these great breakthroughs in my therapy or in my relationship, and just celebrate those miracles along the way.
6
SPEAKER_00
Tell me how you think about trauma differently as being a mom.
6
SPEAKER_01
Oh, dude, if you ve got unhealed trauma and you are about to become a parent, particularly I would say, for both parents, but particularly a mother that s gonna carry a baby and deliver a baby and in the first early days be the food for the baby and the whole thing, you wanna do this work.
6
SPEAKER_01
Because if you don t, what will happen, even if you do or you don t, doesn t matter, it ll all come flooding in.
6
SPEAKER_01
In my case, not only did the trauma flood in, but I also was hit with really terrible postpartum depression, suicidal postpartum depression.
6
SPEAKER_01
I write about it in the book because it actually often, if you have unresolved trauma, can be very activating.
6
SPEAKER_01
Even with the biochemical condition of postpartum, it just can take it to the next level.
6
SPEAKER_01
So for me, having my son was one of the biggest trauma responses I ve experienced in my life was postpartum.
6
SPEAKER_01
That s a beautiful blessing because when you make the commitment to have a child, you are having to ask yourself two questions.
6
SPEAKER_01
Am I going to do this the way it was done for me?
6
SPEAKER_01
Or am I going to show up big time?
6
SPEAKER_01
And how do you show up?
6
SPEAKER_01
You show up for yourself.
6
SPEAKER_01
Because the more you reparent yourself, the clearer the path to parenting your child.
6
SPEAKER_01
There s a chapter in this book called Reparenting Yourself.
6
SPEAKER_01
It s all here, it s almost a joke.
6
SPEAKER_01
And it s a chapter called Reparenting Yourself, where in early 2020, I m like, you know, running my business, like everyone s in this like storm.
6
SPEAKER_01
My kid s home, he s two years old, he s napping twice a day.
6
SPEAKER_01
And me and Zach are the only ones with him at that time, because everybody s home.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I went diving deep into the parenting books, particularly Dan Siegel s work.
6
SPEAKER_01
And he has a lot of methods.
6
SPEAKER_01
And one of them I love the four S s, seen, soothed, safe, secure.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I started applying this with my kid.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I was making sure I was really seeing him and soothing him, not just physically, but like really energetically and creating a safe environment, not just that he won t fall over on the, you know, but safe energetically.
6
SPEAKER_01
And that creates a secure attachment bond.
6
SPEAKER_01
Now, I was looking at this experience with Oliver and I was like, no one ever did this for me.
6
SPEAKER_01
I was like, but why can t I do this for myself?
6
SPEAKER_01
And so I wrote a whole chapter.
6
SPEAKER_01
I did it for myself and I wrote about it.
6
SPEAKER_01
And so the best parenting advice I have is to do the work on yourself.
6
SPEAKER_01
This is a parenting book as much as it is because it s reparenting yourself to be a better parent.
6
SPEAKER_00
Yes, yeah, absolutely.
6
SPEAKER_00
And with that, I mean, it s again the shame again, right?
6
SPEAKER_00
Like from the mothers that I know well, who are open and honest with me, if you go through that post-giving birth, it s like there s shame and guilt in that because it impacts.
6
SPEAKER_00
So it s again another opportunity to choose shame and guilt.
6
SPEAKER_00
And then you don t tell anyone because as a mum, mum guilt is even harder to share.
6
SPEAKER_00
What did you do in that period?
6
SPEAKER_00
I mean, obviously you re doing all of this work, but what did you specifically do to move through that?
6
SPEAKER_01
So here I was now at that stage, had published maybe seven or eight books, something like this.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I m just sort of showing the world of where I was, a self-help book author, very entrenched in the wellness space, brought up homeopathic, really believing in natural medication, medicine, never had fulfilled a prescription at a pharmacy.
6
SPEAKER_01
And in many ways, probably was a part of the stigma around mental health, because I would be in my audiences and people would say to me, like, I m depressed.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I d be like, try this meditation.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I didn t realize if you re having a biochemical condition, it doesn t work if you re having a biochemical condition.
6
SPEAKER_01
And so I was having a biochemical condition, but not fully giving it voice.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I got to the point where I was having insomnia.
6
SPEAKER_01
I had insomnia for four months.
6
SPEAKER_01
And when you don t sleep, you get extraordinarily depressed.
6
SPEAKER_01
And for me, it became suicidal.
6
SPEAKER_01
I opened the chapter talking about how I m driving to Mother s Day brunch and I m in the backseat with my son and under my breath they say I want to kill myself.
6
SPEAKER_01
And so that s where I was at.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I did not get help for four months, maybe longer.
6
SPEAKER_01
I was undiagnosed because of the stigma and the shame of what mental illness is.
6
SPEAKER_01
And we have to really begin to look at the shame and the stigma around it.
6
SPEAKER_01
And so for me, in my experience here, I was in this wellness world and finding that ashwagandha wasn t going to be the answer, and melatonin wasn t going to be the answer, and L-theanine for my stomach wasn t going to be the answer.
6
SPEAKER_01
Even in the therapy, the therapeutic tools were no longer working.
6
SPEAKER_01
The meditation was no longer working.
6
SPEAKER_01
And finally, I hit a massive bottom, just four months of not sleeping.
6
SPEAKER_01
I actually missed a talk, a live talk.
6
SPEAKER_01
It was the first time in over a decade that I didn t show up because I hadn t slept the night before.
6
SPEAKER_01
And then I finally reached out to a friend who was a psychiatrist, and I said, I need help.
6
SPEAKER_01
And he put me in touch with a postpartum psychiatrist.
6
SPEAKER_01
I saw her the next day.
6
SPEAKER_01
She diagnosed me within 10 minutes.
6
SPEAKER_01
She said, you have postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety.
6
SPEAKER_01
You have to get medicated.
6
SPEAKER_01
And she saw all that resistance in me, and she looked at me, and these were the words that helped me.
6
SPEAKER_01
She said, this medication will give you a safer baseline so that you can do the deeper trauma work.
6
SPEAKER_01
And those words just punctured me.
6
SPEAKER_01
I just heard everything she said.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I said, okay, all right, I ll do it.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I took that prescription and I went down to the pharmacy and I stood in the pharmacy with my husband.
6
SPEAKER_01
I was like, what do I do?
6
SPEAKER_01
I don t even know what to do.
6
SPEAKER_01
I ve never even fulfilled a prescription.
6
SPEAKER_01
He s like, you hand it to the pharmacist.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I held that medication in my hand and the placebo effect just set right in and I was like,
6
SPEAKER_01
there is a way out of this.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I was having a biochemical condition.
6
SPEAKER_01
You can t mess with that.
6
SPEAKER_01
You cannot meditate your way out of that.
6
SPEAKER_01
And so here I am now, you know, a voice for really ending the stigma around mental illness.
6
SPEAKER_01
If you have a proper diagnosis from a psychiatrist and you have
7
SPEAKER_04
that psychiatric support, there is no shame in following the medicated path.
7
SPEAKER_04
Yes, of course, we live in a culture where medication is overly prescribed and unnecessarily prescribed, and there are a lot of things you have to know and educate yourself on when you get on psychiatric medication, but when you need it, you need it to survive.
7
SPEAKER_04
And it is exactly what she said.
7
SPEAKER_04
That medication created a safer baseline in my system so I could unearth the deepest, deepest wounds and come out the other side.
7
SPEAKER_00
Gaby, thank you so much for shedding your soul in this book, in this episode.
7
SPEAKER_00
And what I love about this book is that it has your story and your journey.
7
SPEAKER_00
It has really practical tips and steps for people to actually follow.
7
SPEAKER_00
And it has these real methodologies and approaches to guide them as well.
7
SPEAKER_00
And I think it s masterful in the way it s kind of like the tapestry of all of that together.
7
SPEAKER_00
And I think what underpins it is just your ability to go all the way and be so vulnerable as you have been today in today s episode, but also in the book.
7
SPEAKER_00
And so if anyone who s listening, if you know for a long time you ve been shying away, you ve been protecting yourself,
7
SPEAKER_00
You ve been putting it off, postponing it.
7
SPEAKER_00
You know it s there.
7
SPEAKER_00
Maybe a physical response is really triggering right now.
7
SPEAKER_00
Maybe something that someone says is pushing you over the edge.
7
SPEAKER_00
Then please go and grab a copy of Happy Days.
7
SPEAKER_00
Today, the link is in the comment section and everywhere else.
7
SPEAKER_00
And make sure you follow Gabby.
7
SPEAKER_00
Her podcast is called Dear Gabby.
7
SPEAKER_00
Go and listen and subscribe to the podcast.
7
SPEAKER_00
You can also follow Gabby on social media across all platforms, Gabby Bernstein.
7
SPEAKER_00
Make sure you go and do that.
7
SPEAKER_00
Gabby, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking out the time to do this because I think you ve made me ask so many questions that I m going to go back to after this episode.
7
SPEAKER_00
I m like, what do I need to take a deeper look at?
7
SPEAKER_00
What have I really not
7
SPEAKER_00
or what am I avoiding or ignoring or putting off?
7
SPEAKER_00
And I m just grateful for that.
7
SPEAKER_00
I m really grateful that you ve given me the space to do that, given us all the path to do that through this book.
7
SPEAKER_04
Thank you for your presence and for seeing me, even when I couldn t see myself.
7
SPEAKER_04
And it s such a privilege to be your friend.
7
SPEAKER_04
Thank you.
7
SPEAKER_00
Thank you, Gabby.
7
SPEAKER_00
Thank you so much.
7
SPEAKER_00
Everyone who s been listening and watching, make sure you tag me and Gabby on your posts so that we know what resonated with you, what connected with you.
7
SPEAKER_00
I just want to point out that a lot of my guests have said this to me recently.
7
SPEAKER_00
It makes me very happy.
7
SPEAKER_00
Our On Purpose community is amazing.
7
SPEAKER_00
And I ve been getting messages and speaking to a lot of my friends who ve been on the show saying that they just felt the love, like the flood of love from our community.
7
SPEAKER_00
So please show that to Gabby as well.
7
SPEAKER_00
Thank you for doing that for all the other guests before.
7
SPEAKER_00
I wanted you to know that I ve been hearing about you personally from so many people.
7
SPEAKER_00
And let s start living some happy days.
7
SPEAKER_00
So take care, everyone.
7
SPEAKER_00
Thank you so much for listening.
7
SPEAKER_03
Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt and we re the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
7
SPEAKER_01
It s a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
7
SPEAKER_03
Like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
7
SPEAKER_01
Let s learn about all of it and then some.
7
SPEAKER_01
Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on America s number one podcast network, iHeart.
7
SPEAKER_01
Open your free iHeart app and search Grown Up Stuff.
7
SPEAKER_02
A new season of Bridgerton is here.
7
SPEAKER_02
And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
7
SPEAKER_02
I m your host, Gabby Collins.
7
SPEAKER_02
And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the ton.
7
SPEAKER_02
Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
7
SPEAKER_02
Then fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
7
SPEAKER_02
Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.