0
SPEAKER_04
Bring a little optimism into your life with The Bright Side, a new kind of daily podcast from Hello Sunshine, hosted by me, Danielle Robay.
0
SPEAKER_04
And me, Simone Boyce.
0
SPEAKER_04
Every weekday, we re bringing you conversations about culture, the latest trends, inspiration, and so much more.
0
SPEAKER_00
I am so excited about this podcast, The Bright Side.
0
SPEAKER_00
You guys are giving people a chance to shine a light on their lives, shine a light on a little advice that they want to share.
0
SPEAKER_01
Listen to The Bright Side on America s number one podcast network, iHeart.
0
SPEAKER_01
Open your free iHeart app and search The Bright Side.
0
SPEAKER_05
people that I admire.
0
SPEAKER_05
When we say listen to your body, really tune in to what s going on.
0
SPEAKER_05
Authors of books that have changed my life.
0
SPEAKER_05
Now you re talking about sympathy, which is different than empathy.
0
SPEAKER_05
Never forget, it s okay to cry, as long as you make it a really good one.
0
SPEAKER_05
Listen to A Really Good Cry with Radhi Devlukia on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_03
Something that makes me crazy is when people say, well, I had this career before, but it was a waste.
0
SPEAKER_03
And that s where the perspective shift comes, that it s not a waste, that everything you ve done has built you to where you are now.
0
SPEAKER_03
This is She Pivots, the podcast where we explore the inspiring pivots women have made and dig deeper into the personal reasons behind them.
0
SPEAKER_03
Join me, Emily Tish Sussman, every Wednesday on She Pivots.
0
SPEAKER_03
Listen to She Pivots on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_02
There s a lot of talk about mindfulness these days, which is fantastic.
0
SPEAKER_02
I mean, we all want to be more present and self-aware, more patient, less judgmental.
0
SPEAKER_02
We discuss all these themes on the podcast, but it s hard to actually be mindful in your day-to-day life.
0
SPEAKER_02
That s where Calm comes in.
0
SPEAKER_02
I ve been working with Calm for a few years now with the goal of making mindfulness fun and easy.
0
SPEAKER_02
Calm has all sorts of content to help you build positive habits, shift your self-talk, reframe your negative thoughts, and generally feel better in your daily life.
0
SPEAKER_02
So many incredible options from the most knowledgeable experts in the world, along with renowned meditation teachers.
0
SPEAKER_02
You can also check out my seven-minute daily series to help you live more mindfully each and every day.
0
SPEAKER_02
Right now, listeners of On Purpose get 40% off a subscription to Calm Premium at calm.com forward slash j. That s c-a-l-m.com forward slash j-a-y.
0
SPEAKER_02
For 40% off, calm your mind, change your life.
0
SPEAKER_02
I think it s so easy when you re going for a breakup to be like, I m going crazy, I m going mad, but you re not.
0
SPEAKER_02
There are good days and bad days, and that s okay.
0
SPEAKER_02
I m going closer to the good days.
0
SPEAKER_02
I m recognizing my worth.
0
SPEAKER_02
I m working with the therapist.
0
SPEAKER_02
I m working with the coach.
0
SPEAKER_02
I m working on my self-worth.
0
SPEAKER_02
The number one health and wellness podcast.
0
SPEAKER_02
Jay Shetty.
0
SPEAKER_02
Jay Shetty.
0
SPEAKER_02
The one, the only, Jay Shetty.
0
SPEAKER_02
Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world.
0
SPEAKER_02
Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow.
0
SPEAKER_02
Now, if you ve been leaving reviews, it means the world to me.
0
SPEAKER_02
There have been some incredible reviews recently, and I want you to know how much I value, how much I appreciate
0
SPEAKER_02
the beautiful testimonies that you ve left about the show, how it s impacted you, and I will be posting some on my Instagram.
0
SPEAKER_02
So, if you haven t left a review yet, please go and do it.
0
SPEAKER_02
It makes a huge difference to us as podcasters.
0
SPEAKER_02
Please subscribe to the show.
0
SPEAKER_02
Make sure you ve followed as well.
0
SPEAKER_02
Again, it makes a huge difference to us as we re building our community, and I know so many of you, whether it s the first time you re listening
0
SPEAKER_02
or whether it s the thousandth time you re listening, I deeply appreciate you being here.
0
SPEAKER_02
Now, this episode came about because I ve met so many people in the last week who ve come up to me and said things like, Jay, when I was going through a tough breakup, I turned to your book, Eight Rules of Love, or your podcast On Purpose.
0
SPEAKER_02
Or I ve met so many people who tell me that their friend is going through a really tough divorce.
0
SPEAKER_02
And I ve even met people who ve talked to me about a recent breakup they went through and how deeply it s affected their self-worth and their self-esteem.
0
SPEAKER_02
Now, if you ve gone through a breakup and know that you haven t healed yet, this episode s for you.
0
SPEAKER_02
If you re going through a breakup right now, this episode s for you.
0
SPEAKER_02
And if your friend s going through a breakup right now, this is the episode to send them.
0
SPEAKER_02
And if you ve ever been broken up with, or even if you ve broken up with someone and you want to know how it affects them, what they go through, why they have acted irrationally in the past, maybe you ve let someone go for the right reasons, but their reaction hasn t been rational.
0
SPEAKER_02
This episode will help explain what s happening in our brains, what s happening in our minds, and why we behave the way we do when someone breaks our heart, or when you break someone s heart.
0
SPEAKER_02
And I want to start off by just saying that as I dive into this, feel free to take notes, take a screenshot of the moment that impacted you, and share on Instagram and TikTok what are the parts that really, truly stay with you.
0
SPEAKER_02
Now, the first thing I want to start off with is this idea that the human brain absolutely loves love.
0
SPEAKER_02
The human brain is obsessed with love.
0
SPEAKER_02
It s why we re always seeking it.
0
SPEAKER_02
It s why we re always after it, right?
0
SPEAKER_02
If you came to my live show, I started off the show by letting you know that the number one thing Googled
0
SPEAKER_02
When you type in, will I ever, the first thing that comes up is, will I ever find love?
0
SPEAKER_02
It s the most Google question for will I ever about the future.
0
SPEAKER_02
Our biggest worry, our biggest anxiety is, will I ever find love?
0
SPEAKER_02
That s how big it is.
0
SPEAKER_02
And so the human brain loves love.
0
SPEAKER_02
That s because when we experience love, it releases dopamine and it releases oxytocin.
0
SPEAKER_02
So that strong release creates this feeling that we want to crave, that we want to experience, that we want in our lives.
0
SPEAKER_02
Let s think about what happens when the opposite occurs.
0
SPEAKER_02
When there s a breakup, the brain releases cortisol, the stress hormone, and epinephrine.
0
SPEAKER_02
Studies show that breakups activate the area of your brain that processes craving and addiction.
0
SPEAKER_02
Losing a relationship can throw you into a type of withdrawal, which is why it s hard to function.
0
SPEAKER_02
You ache for your ex, sometimes literally, and you can t get them out of your head.
0
SPEAKER_02
This is like an addiction.
0
SPEAKER_02
But the good news is, we can also overcome this.
0
SPEAKER_02
So you re seeing that on one side, when we re experiencing love, dopamine and oxytocin, the chemicals that we want to feel, and then cortisol, even though stress can be a great thing in the beginning of a relationship, we feel that excitement.
0
SPEAKER_02
The levels of cortisol when we go through a breakup are high and very difficult to deal with.
0
SPEAKER_02
Too much cortisol in the brain study show sends blood to the major muscle groups what happens is those muscles think that they re about to fight a threat so they go into that fight or flight mode.
0
SPEAKER_02
But the problem is when you re being broken up with there is no physical fight right the muscles don t need.
0
SPEAKER_02
that energy and there s no way to express that energy but that may be why we feel like hitting people sometimes right we ve all seen movies where you wanna throw the dog at the face of that person on the picture or you wanna throw rocks at them or maybe you wanna punch them in the face right that feeling comes from that fight or flight mode but because there s no way.
0
SPEAKER_02
to give that energy, to release that energy, right?
0
SPEAKER_02
Sometimes you wanna, you know, movies give us lots of ideas, you wanna scratch their car, you wanna do all these things, but because most of us don t do those things, what ends up happening is that that energy stays within our body.
0
SPEAKER_02
This is what causes headaches, this is what causes, you know, pain in our neck and our back, and this is often why we feel so tight-chested and so heavy,
0
SPEAKER_02
in our chest.
0
SPEAKER_02
And so it s really interesting to me how even that aggression, we start thinking sometimes, oh my gosh, I m so aggressive.
0
SPEAKER_02
Oh my God, they re so angry.
0
SPEAKER_02
And really what s happening is that cortisol level is creating this desire for a physical altercation.
0
SPEAKER_02
But because most of us control that sensation,
0
SPEAKER_02
The Body Keeps the Score, as that great book is titled.
0
SPEAKER_02
The Body Keeps the Score.
0
SPEAKER_02
And a lot of the time, that tight-chestedness, that feeling of being squeezed, that feeling of being under stress, keeps it in their body.
0
SPEAKER_02
Now, what ends up happening is to ensure the muscles have an adequate blood supply, cortisol diverts blood away from the digestive system.
0
SPEAKER_02
This is what causes everything from digestive issues, cramps, stomach pain, stress in our gut, and this of course can lead to appetite loss or diarrhea,
1
SPEAKER_00
even cravings.
1
SPEAKER_00
Just think about this for a second.
1
SPEAKER_00
When was the last time when you were broken up with and it led to bad food decisions?
1
SPEAKER_00
When it led to you not feeling so great inside?
1
SPEAKER_00
And so you can see that these aren t just irrational triggers.
1
SPEAKER_00
This isn t because you re weak.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s actually a chemical reason as to why we behave this way.
1
SPEAKER_00
Then when the stress hormones are really accelerated, the immune system can struggle, which of course makes us more prone to getting sick.
1
SPEAKER_00
And that s why there s the often thing known as the breakup cold or why our immune system takes a hit.
1
SPEAKER_00
And one of the biggest things that happens here is that with that steady release of cortisol, it starts to impact the quality of our sleep.
1
SPEAKER_00
It starts to impact our ability to make healthy decisions and choices.
1
SPEAKER_00
This is why we start thinking, do I text them?
1
SPEAKER_00
Do I message them?
1
SPEAKER_00
Do I stalk them on social media?
1
SPEAKER_00
Do I comment on their last post?
1
SPEAKER_00
Do I ask my friend what are they up to?
1
SPEAKER_00
What are they doing?
1
SPEAKER_00
It can often make us really irrational.
1
SPEAKER_00
It can make us really do things that are out of character.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I think, again, we ve all experienced this either as the recipient or as the person who does it.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I think we often look back at ourselves and we think, God, why did I do that?
1
SPEAKER_00
I m the worst.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m so crazy.
1
SPEAKER_00
Or we think, oh, that person s gone crazy.
1
SPEAKER_00
Why are they acting that way?
1
SPEAKER_00
But we can see that cortisol and epinephrine can have this impact on us mentally and emotionally.
1
SPEAKER_00
And we can see why we start to act out or while out because of this.
1
SPEAKER_00
Now, I m painting this picture for us to empathize with someone going through a breakup.
1
SPEAKER_00
Because even if your friend s going through a breakup, you re often thinking, well, just get over it.
1
SPEAKER_00
What s the big deal?
1
SPEAKER_00
They weren t good for you anyway.
1
SPEAKER_00
How many of us have said that to our friends?
1
SPEAKER_00
They re not good enough for you.
1
SPEAKER_00
Why are you giving them so much energy?
1
SPEAKER_00
How are you still thinking about them?
1
SPEAKER_00
You should be over this by now.
1
SPEAKER_00
And it becomes a normal part of the conversation we have with our friends who are being deeply affected by a breakup.
1
SPEAKER_00
The point I m trying to get across to you is that breakups are tough.
1
SPEAKER_00
They re chemically difficult, they re emotionally challenging, and they re soulfully troubling.
1
SPEAKER_00
And the reason is because some other studies show that when you break up with someone, you re almost experiencing what it feels like to detox from drugs.
1
SPEAKER_00
We get that craving feeling of wanting them back in our life.
1
SPEAKER_00
We think, how can I live without them?
1
SPEAKER_00
This is the same thing an addict feels
1
SPEAKER_00
when a drug that they re addicted to is removed from their daily consumption.
1
SPEAKER_00
Now that we re not daily talking to this individual, now that we re not starting our day with their text, now that we re not speaking to them every night, now that we re not seeing them, now that we re not feeling that sense of physical touch, all of these things act as an addict going through a detox process.
1
SPEAKER_00
So it s really easy to make it feel like a breakup is just an emotional and mental feeling, but it is, in fact, a chemical feeling.
1
SPEAKER_00
But here s the good news.
1
SPEAKER_00
The good news is, despite the rise in cortisol, despite the rise in epinephrine, despite our muscles holding on to that emotion because that emotion has nowhere to go, there are ways to solve it.
1
SPEAKER_01
The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is an NAACP and Webby Award winning podcast dedicated to all things mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves.
1
SPEAKER_01
Here, we have the conversations that help black women decipher how their past inform who they are today.
1
SPEAKER_01
and use that information to decide who they want to be moving forward.
1
SPEAKER_01
We chat about things like how to establish routines that center self-care, what burnout looks and feels like, and defining what aspects of our lives are making us happy and what parts are holding us back.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m your host, Dr. Joy Harden-Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I can t wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday.
1
SPEAKER_01
Listen to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
1
SPEAKER_01
Take good care, and we ll see you there.
1
SPEAKER_02
Get emotional with me, Radhi Devlukia, in my new podcast, A Really Good Cry.
1
SPEAKER_02
We re going to talk about and go through all the things that are sometimes difficult to process alone.
1
SPEAKER_02
We re going to go over how to regulate your emotions, diving deep into holistic personal development, and just building your mindset to have a happier, healthier life.
1
SPEAKER_02
We re going to be talking with some of my best friends.
1
SPEAKER_02
I didn t know we were going to go there.
1
SPEAKER_02
people that I admire.
1
SPEAKER_02
When we say listen to your body, really tune in to what s going on.
1
SPEAKER_02
Authors of books that have changed my life.
1
SPEAKER_02
Now you re talking about sympathy, which is different than empathy.
1
SPEAKER_02
And basically have conversations that can help us get through this crazy thing we call life.
1
SPEAKER_02
I already believe in myself.
1
SPEAKER_02
I already see myself.
1
SPEAKER_02
And so when people give me an opportunity, I m just like,
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh great, you see me too!
1
SPEAKER_02
We ll laugh together, we ll cry together, and find a way through all of our emotions.
1
SPEAKER_02
Never forget, it s okay to cry, as long as you make it a really good one.
1
SPEAKER_02
Listen to A Really Good Cry with Radhi Devlukia on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
1
SPEAKER_04
When you find that bright spot to help you get through your day, it s powerful.
1
SPEAKER_03
That s where The Bright Side comes in.
1
SPEAKER_03
A new daily podcast from Hello Sunshine that s bringing you a daily dose of joy.
1
SPEAKER_03
I m Danielle Robay.
1
SPEAKER_04
And I m Simone Boyce.
1
SPEAKER_04
Listen, both Danielle and I are reporters.
1
SPEAKER_04
We ve covered the news and we know the world can feel heavy, but The Bright Side podcast is a space to have a little fun, to learn something new and get into some friendly debates.
1
SPEAKER_03
That s right, join us five days a week to see how life can look from the bright side.
1
SPEAKER_03
We ll hear from celebrities, authors, experts, and listeners like you.
1
SPEAKER_04
Whether it s relationships, friend advice, or figuring out how to navigate life s transitions, we ll talk through it all together.
1
SPEAKER_03
Listen to The Bright Side from Hello Sunshine every weekday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
1
SPEAKER_00
Now, some of the more quick, immediate ways to solve it, because we have that desire for a physical release.
1
SPEAKER_00
And this is why often people say, if you re going through a breakup, it s important to work out, it s important to move around.
1
SPEAKER_00
But when we hear that, we think, I don t want to work out right now, I just want to stay in bed.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s why there s something called the rage room that exists.
1
SPEAKER_00
and it may be called something different in your city.
1
SPEAKER_00
I remember I went with Radhi a few years ago, we made a YouTube video about it.
1
SPEAKER_00
We went to this place in LA called the Rage Room.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s a room where you get given a baseball bat, goggles, and some overalls, and you break things, old things.
1
SPEAKER_00
You break old computers, old fax machines, you break bottles, you break all these things.
1
SPEAKER_00
Now, what s really interesting is me and Radhi went in to see if it was fun.
1
SPEAKER_00
We walked in unstressed, but we walked out very stressed, which was a really interesting experiment.
1
SPEAKER_00
We found that when we went to do something destructive, when we didn t feel upset, we walked out more stressed.
1
SPEAKER_00
And when we asked the person who worked there why that was, they said, well, you re meant to come in here when you are stressed in order to release it.
1
SPEAKER_00
So again, don t go to it unless you re feeling that desire.
1
SPEAKER_00
I just want to punch them in the face.
1
SPEAKER_00
I just, you know, I m so mad.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m so angry.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s important to release that rage.
1
SPEAKER_00
And this is one of the biggest mistakes we make.
1
SPEAKER_00
We think that rage makes us bad.
1
SPEAKER_00
We think that the rage is not useful, but it is a feeling that needs to be released in a controlled, safe environment.
1
SPEAKER_00
Some people like to burn old things, old pictures, whatever it may be.
1
SPEAKER_00
Again, this is a sign of us wanting to release that rage, that feeling in our body of the cortisol that s brought about that fight or flight, and we don t have the ability to fight.
1
SPEAKER_00
But what we have to understand is our biggest mistake when we re trying to heal is we don t allow ourselves to feel these things.
1
SPEAKER_00
We also want to go from hurting to being fully healed.
1
SPEAKER_00
We don t want to go through a process.
1
SPEAKER_00
So we re hoping that one day we re going to wake up
1
SPEAKER_00
And this thing that we re feeling is just going to disappear.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s not how it works.
1
SPEAKER_00
We have to understand that there s levels to our healing.
1
SPEAKER_00
And what we have to do is focus on getting to the next level, not the complete level.
1
SPEAKER_00
Right, it s almost like saying you re playing a game and you want to finish the game without going through all the levels.
1
SPEAKER_00
You want to get to the end game without going through each of the segments and sections.
1
SPEAKER_00
So the three phases in our language are really
2
SPEAKER_00
healing, feeling, and healing.
2
SPEAKER_00
In the beginning you re reeling, you re shocked, you re surprised, you can t believe it.
2
SPEAKER_00
Then we have to allow ourselves to feel, and then the healing process starts.
2
SPEAKER_00
Now, something known as the Kubler-Ross five stages of grief shows the more
2
SPEAKER_00
clear steps of what you re going to experience.
2
SPEAKER_00
And the Kubler-Ross five stages of grief was first developed for people who were unwell or diagnosed with a illness.
2
SPEAKER_00
But later, they actually got likened for someone who is dealing with grief, when someone would lose someone they love.
2
SPEAKER_00
Now, here s the interesting thing.
2
SPEAKER_00
We ve realized now today that loss doesn t just mean death.
2
SPEAKER_00
It means the end of a relationship.
2
SPEAKER_00
So loss doesn t just mean you lost someone because they re no longer here.
2
SPEAKER_00
You can even have the loss of a person you once knew.
2
SPEAKER_00
You can have a loss of an identity you once had, being this person s partner.
2
SPEAKER_00
You have a loss of the idea of the future you wanted.
2
SPEAKER_00
You have a loss of the idea of who you thought someone was.
2
SPEAKER_00
These are all types of grief, right?
2
SPEAKER_00
Grief isn t just, I lost them, they re no longer in my life.
2
SPEAKER_00
Grief also is the loss of a life we thought we were creating, the loss of the marriage we imagined with this individual.
2
SPEAKER_00
The more deeply we imagined and envisioned
2
SPEAKER_00
the deeper that grief is experienced.
2
SPEAKER_00
Just because you didn t have the life experience doesn t mean you don t have the grief experience, because the grief experience is mental and emotional more than it is physical.
2
SPEAKER_00
And so often we underplay someone s grief because we think, oh, they never, you know, come on, you weren t even together for that long.
2
SPEAKER_00
Why are you overreacting?
2
SPEAKER_00
But they re not, because for them, they were together in their head, in their mind, they d made commitments.
2
SPEAKER_00
So, the Kubler-Ross model has these stages.
2
SPEAKER_00
The first stage is denial.
2
SPEAKER_00
We are in denial.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, they ll come back.
2
SPEAKER_00
I know I ll get them back.
2
SPEAKER_00
They re just going through a rough time.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know, they re going to miss me.
2
SPEAKER_00
There s a sense of denial.
2
SPEAKER_00
Right?
2
SPEAKER_00
It makes you pretend a little bit, or it allows you to get used to the fact that something s happening, but very slowly.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s okay to feel denial.
2
SPEAKER_00
I think often when someone s in denial, we say, no, no, no, don t be in denial.
2
SPEAKER_00
Come on.
2
SPEAKER_00
They re not coming back.
2
SPEAKER_00
Just be honest with yourself.
2
SPEAKER_00
The point is it s a phase we need to go through because what your mind is doing
2
SPEAKER_00
Is it slowly making you okay with the reality?
2
SPEAKER_00
If you immediately accepted that your new reality was this person s gone, that may be so emotionally painful that the mind almost drip feeds you that information.
2
SPEAKER_00
So the mind says, let s go into denial first.
2
SPEAKER_00
Let s pretend like it s not happening.
2
SPEAKER_00
Nothing s changed.
2
SPEAKER_00
Everything s okay.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s just that kind of a moment.
2
SPEAKER_00
So denying gives you time to gradually process what is happening.
2
SPEAKER_00
And this is a common way in which we protect ourselves.
2
SPEAKER_00
And what it does is it allows us to create a defense to the pain that we d feel if we allowed it to all happen at once.
2
SPEAKER_00
And as we experience denial, slowly, slowly, slowly, we start to rise to recognizing that may not be the case.
2
SPEAKER_00
And again, when we see people in denial, we re often like, come on, stop being in denial.
2
SPEAKER_00
They re gone.
2
SPEAKER_00
Wake up.
2
SPEAKER_00
But actually, they can t emotionally
2
SPEAKER_00
accept that.
2
SPEAKER_00
They can t emotionally allow themselves to feel that because it would be too painful.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I think when we feel forced to experience something, we know what that feels like.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like you can t do it.
2
SPEAKER_00
You re like, I physically can t allow myself to feel that because I ll break, right?
2
SPEAKER_00
That s how they feel.
2
SPEAKER_00
I physically can t allow myself to feel that way because I have no idea what that s going to lead to.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I think this is one of the reasons why we can t rush the people in our life to feel something they re not ready to feel yet, knowing and trusting that they will get there.
2
SPEAKER_00
And you may say, well, I told you so, but that isn t how it works.
2
SPEAKER_00
I couldn t be more excited to share something truly special with all you tea lovers out there.
2
SPEAKER_00
And even if you don t love tea, if you love refreshing, rejuvenating, refueling sodas that are good for you, listen to this.
2
SPEAKER_00
Radhi and I poured our hearts into creating Juni sparkling tea with adaptogens for you because we believe in nurturing your body and with every sip, you ll experience calmness of mind, a refreshing vitality and a burst of brightness to your day.
2
SPEAKER_00
Juni is infused with adaptogens that are amazing natural substances that act like superheroes for your body to help you adapt to stress and find balance in your busy life.
2
SPEAKER_00
Our Super 5 blend of these powerful ingredients include green tea, ashwagandha,
2
SPEAKER_00
acerola cherry, and lion s mane mushroom, and these may help boost your metabolism, give you a natural kick of caffeine, combat stress, pack your body with antioxidants, and stimulate brain function.
2
SPEAKER_00
Even better, Juni has zero sugar and only 5 calories per can.
2
SPEAKER_00
We believe in nurturing and energizing your body while enjoying a truly delicious and refreshing drink.
2
SPEAKER_00
So visit drinkjuni.com today to elevate your wellness journey and use code ONPURPOSE to receive 15% off your first order.
2
SPEAKER_00
That s drinkjuni.com and make sure you use the code ONPURPOSE.
2
SPEAKER_00
Now, the second stage of the Kubler-Ross model is anger.
2
SPEAKER_00
Think Scissor, Kill Bill, right?
2
SPEAKER_00
I was just at the Grammys, which I was really lucky and happy to go to, and Scissor performed, and of course she performed Kill Bill.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I know you all know the lyrics
2
SPEAKER_00
But it s exactly that, right?
2
SPEAKER_00
I might kill my ex, not the best idea, his new girlfriend s next, how d I get here, right?
2
SPEAKER_00
But it s like, that s very real, right?
2
SPEAKER_00
That anger you experience is real.
2
SPEAKER_00
I might kill my ex, I still love him though, rather be in jail than alone, right?
2
SPEAKER_00
When you just hear those lyrics, it s like, you know what that s felt like.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know what that s felt like.
2
SPEAKER_00
And it goes back to that fight or flight feeling that I was speaking about before.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I think what s really, really hard about the anger phase is that there isn t an outlet.
2
SPEAKER_00
There is that feeling.
2
SPEAKER_00
And of course, the lyrics go, I got me a therapist to tell me that there s other men.
2
SPEAKER_00
and I don t want none, I just want you.
2
SPEAKER_00
And if I can t have you, no one should, right?
2
SPEAKER_00
And so that lyric is actually the reality of the complexity of that situation.
2
SPEAKER_00
SZA absolutely nailed it, right?
2
SPEAKER_00
It s such a great definition and explanation of the emotions that are felt while the chemicals are happening in the background.
2
SPEAKER_00
And it s such a challenging state, as I said, because there isn t an outlet for that anger.
2
SPEAKER_00
There isn t an outlet for that pain.
2
SPEAKER_00
And this is why some people have a burn list, or I remember I interviewed
2
SPEAKER_00
Nessa on the podcast, she had a burn box on stage where people would bring something to burn that they wanted to leave behind and let go.
2
SPEAKER_00
And it s why those external rituals and practices are sometimes needed and necessary because we need a way to release that anger.
2
SPEAKER_00
Often it comes out talking to our friends and then our friends get tired of it.
2
SPEAKER_00
We talk to our therapist about it, but it s almost like a physical feeling and a physical emotion that needs to be released.
2
SPEAKER_00
The third stage of the Kubler-Ross model is called bargaining.
2
SPEAKER_00
Now, this stage is where you start to feel a bit helpless and a bit hopeless.
2
SPEAKER_00
And you re trying to find ways to regain control.
2
SPEAKER_00
So you say things like, if only I had more time with him, he would have stayed.
2
SPEAKER_00
If only I didn t work as hard, they would be here right now.
2
SPEAKER_00
If only, if only, if only.
2
SPEAKER_00
I wish I did more of X. I wish I didn t do Y. I wish, I wish, I wish.
2
SPEAKER_00
And this is the experience that we have.
3
SPEAKER_00
of we re bargaining with ourselves.
3
SPEAKER_00
We re trying to say, okay, now I need to take responsibility.
3
SPEAKER_00
Right, I ve denied that it s happening, now I ve been angry at them, and now I m almost going inward and turning that anger at myself as to I could have done better, I should have done better, I would have done better.
3
SPEAKER_00
So we talked about denial, you just have to feel.
3
SPEAKER_00
you have to allow that person to feel they re coming back, it s going to come around, even though you know it s not, and you allow yourself to feel that as well.
3
SPEAKER_00
Because when you fight the denial, or you try and force yourself forward, it s like you re trying to skip a level of a game, but you can t actually skip it because there s vital lessons for you to learn in that part of the game.
3
SPEAKER_00
And the vital lesson there, even if you don t want it, is they re not coming back, and my brain can t process everything at once, so I have to allow my brain to process it gradually.
3
SPEAKER_00
With anger, like I said, you do want to find a physical way to let it out.
3
SPEAKER_00
You do want to find a non-violent, non-aggressive, non-direct way, whether it s the rage room, whether it s the burn list, therapy, of course, I recommend above all of these, but there is a need to
3
SPEAKER_00
Explore that anger without exploding onto someone else or hurting yourself, right?
3
SPEAKER_00
Violence is never needed, never the answer.
3
SPEAKER_00
Any sort of damage to someone else s property or anything is never the answer, not needed.
3
SPEAKER_00
But we need a safe, controlled way to explore that.
3
SPEAKER_00
Therapy is, of course, a great way.
3
SPEAKER_00
Friends is a fantastic way.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then a safe, physical way as well that is not harmful to oneself is something that people are using.
3
SPEAKER_00
Now, the fourth step of the Kubler-Ross model is depression.
3
SPEAKER_00
What s really interesting is that anger and bargaining are more proactive and they re kind of like you re doing something about it, right?
3
SPEAKER_00
There s a feeling of, I need to take action.
3
SPEAKER_00
Whereas depression, of course, is far more of a passive and experienced things.
3
SPEAKER_00
And
3
SPEAKER_00
Earlier on, you re like kind of not letting yourself feel this way, but now you ve kind of dealing with them, but it s bringing you down, right?
3
SPEAKER_00
And this is what makes you want to go into isolation, which is not unhealthy, but not fully healthy.
3
SPEAKER_00
You want to stay connected to people that love you and care for you.
3
SPEAKER_00
You want to stay grounded.
3
SPEAKER_00
Again, with all of this, I would recommend the help of a therapist.
3
SPEAKER_00
I would recommend the help of friends to help you to understand all of this.
3
SPEAKER_00
And this may feel where you feel really heavy, you feel overwhelmed, you feel exhausted, because now you re processing all those emotions that you initially denied.
3
SPEAKER_00
The denial has led to depression, right?
3
SPEAKER_00
Denial is you re saying, it s not real, and depression is saying, gosh, I know it s real.
3
SPEAKER_00
And this can sometimes be the longest stage, because the questions we re asking are, will anyone ever love me?
3
SPEAKER_00
Or am I lovable?
3
SPEAKER_00
Right, these are big questions.
3
SPEAKER_00
You start asking these root questions.
3
SPEAKER_00
Now it s not about them, it s about you.
3
SPEAKER_00
And this is where therapy can be so powerful, where coaching can be so powerful, because we need to learn to rebuild that inner self-esteem, but now at least we re focusing on ourselves.
3
SPEAKER_00
Right, that s the key tip in depression.
3
SPEAKER_00
When you re experiencing that, it s now saying, okay, I m gonna rebuild myself.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m gonna start from scratch again, and I m gonna focus on
3
SPEAKER_00
Will anyone ever love me?
3
SPEAKER_00
Am I lovable?
3
SPEAKER_00
Let me focus on that.
3
SPEAKER_00
Let me build from that.
3
SPEAKER_00
And the fifth and final stage is acceptance.
3
SPEAKER_00
Now, acceptance is not like a happy or good feeling.
3
SPEAKER_00
But it means that you re accepting that the relationship is over.
3
SPEAKER_00
You re accepting that you both had responsibility, but you re accepting that you re on the right path.
3
SPEAKER_00
That you ve learned from this.
3
SPEAKER_00
You ve gone through something huge in your life, but you re starting to realize that you ve learned valuable lessons
3
SPEAKER_00
that are powerful.
3
SPEAKER_00
So you may say things to yourself like, it was right, but it still hurts.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s good that it s ended, but it still causes me pain.
3
SPEAKER_00
This acceptance is that oscillating place of, I know it was right, I get why it had to happen, but that doesn t mean I don t feel pain.
3
SPEAKER_00
Now the reason I m walking you through these five stages is all of a sudden you start to go, I m not mad, I m not crazy.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh i m not delusional this is natural and what your friends are feeling is natural i think it s so easy when you re going for a breakup to be like i m going crazy i m going mad but you re not i m sure you ve experienced all of these stages in acceptances accepting i m not mad i m not crazy this is what had to happen and there are good days and bad days and that s okay
3
SPEAKER_00
I m going closer to the good days.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m recognizing my worth.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m working with the therapist.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m working with the coach.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m working on my self-worth.
3
SPEAKER_00
I want to end by sharing with you a beautiful poem and piece called The Stone that was written by Jessica Watson.
3
SPEAKER_00
So I m reading from Jessica Watson.
3
SPEAKER_00
Listen to this.
3
SPEAKER_00
Jessica said that the best way she can describe grief is by carrying a stone in your pocket.
3
SPEAKER_00
When you walk, the stone brushes against your skin.
3
SPEAKER_00
You feel it.
3
SPEAKER_00
You always feel it.
3
SPEAKER_00
But depending on the way you stand or the way your body moves, the smooth edges might barely graze your body.
3
SPEAKER_00
Sometimes you lean the wrong way or you turn too quickly, and a sharp edge pokes you.
3
SPEAKER_00
Your eyes water and you rub your wound, but you have to keep going because not everyone knows about your stone.
3
SPEAKER_00
Or if they do, they don t realize it can still bring this much pain.
3
SPEAKER_00
There are days you are simply happy now.
3
SPEAKER_00
Smiling comes easy and you laugh without thinking.
3
SPEAKER_00
You slap your leg during that laughter and you feel your stone and aren t sure whether you should be laughing still.
3
SPEAKER_00
The stone still hurts.
3
SPEAKER_00
Once in a while, you can t take your hand off that stone.
3
SPEAKER_00
You run it over your fingers and roll it in your palm, and are so preoccupied by its weight, you forget things like your car keys and home address.
3
SPEAKER_00
You try to leave it alone, but you just can t.
3
SPEAKER_00
You want to take a nap, but it s been so many years since you ve called in sad, you re not sure anyone would understand anymore, or if they ever did.
3
SPEAKER_00
But most days, you can take your hand in and out of your pocket, feel your stone, and even smile at its unwavering presence.
3
SPEAKER_00
You ve accepted this stone as your own, crossing your hands over it, saying, mine, as children do.
3
SPEAKER_00
You rest more peacefully than you once did.
3
SPEAKER_00
You ve learned to move forward the best you can.
3
SPEAKER_00
Some days you want to show the world what a beautiful memory you re holding, but most days you twirl it through your fingers and smile and look to the sky.
3
SPEAKER_00
You squeeze your hands together and hope you re living in a way that honors the missing piece you carry until your arms are full again.
3
SPEAKER_00
I love that piece by Jessica Watson.
3
SPEAKER_00
I hope you ll remember it and read it and listen to it again and again, The Stone by Jessica Watson.
3
SPEAKER_00
And the last thing I ll leave you with is this understanding that the stone doesn t get smaller, but you get bigger, you get stronger, and that makes it feel smaller.
3
SPEAKER_00
The real path to healing is becoming the best version of yourself.
3
SPEAKER_00
When you become the best version of yourself,
3
SPEAKER_00
The parts of yourself that are affected by that weakness and weight start to become lighter and brighter and easier.
3
SPEAKER_00
Thank you so much for listening to On Purpose.
3
SPEAKER_00
I hope you ll share this with a friend.
3
SPEAKER_00
I hope you ll pass it along to someone in your life who s struggling with any type of grief.
3
SPEAKER_00
and I hope that this has benefited you deeply and I m sending you so much love.
3
SPEAKER_00
Thank you for listening.
3
SPEAKER_00
See you soon.
3
SPEAKER_00
If you loved this episode, you re going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your ex and find true love in your relationships.
3
SPEAKER_01
People should be compassionate to themselves but extend that compassion to your future self because
3
SPEAKER_01
Truly extending your compassion to your future self is doing something that gives him or her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life.
3
SPEAKER_01
You don t put those inside of you, do you?
3
SPEAKER_02
This is a show about women.
3
SPEAKER_01
I mean, you do?
3
SPEAKER_02
Finally, a show about women that isn t just a thinly veiled aspirational nightmare.
3
SPEAKER_02
It s not hosted, not narrated.
3
SPEAKER_02
We re just dropping into a woman s world.
3
SPEAKER_02
I found out when my dad was gay when I was 10.
3
SPEAKER_02
We were in a convertible on the 405 freeway, listening to the B-52s.
3
SPEAKER_02
Looking back, I should have said, this is gay.
3
SPEAKER_02
This is already all gay.
3
SPEAKER_02
Listen to Finally!
3
SPEAKER_02
A Show on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
4
SPEAKER_03
Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt and we re the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
4
SPEAKER_02
It s a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
4
SPEAKER_03
Like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
4
SPEAKER_02
Let s learn about all of it and then some.
4
SPEAKER_02
Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on America s number one podcast network, iHeart.
4
SPEAKER_02
Open your free iHeart app and search Grown Up Stuff.
4
SPEAKER_00
Guess what, Will?
4
SPEAKER_00
What s that, Mango?
4
SPEAKER_00
I ve been trying to write a promo for our podcast, Part-Time Genius, but even though we ve done over 250 episodes, we don t really talk about murders or cults.
4
SPEAKER_01
I mean, we did just cover the Illuminati of cheese, so I feel like that makes us pretty edgy.
4
SPEAKER_01
We also solve mysteries like how Chinese is your Chinese food and how do dollar stores make money?
4
SPEAKER_01
And then, of course, can you game a dog show?
4
SPEAKER_01
So what you re saying is everyone should be listening.
4
SPEAKER_01
Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.