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My name is Lee Hawkins.
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I ve been a journalist for over 25 years.
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On my new podcast, What Happened in Alabama, I get answers to some of the hardest questions about how things came to be for many black Americans and the truth that must come before any reconciliation can happen.
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I investigate my family history, my upbringing in Minnesota, and my father s painful nightmares about growing up in Alabama.
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What Happened in Alabama is a new series confronting the cycles of trauma for myself, my family, and for many Black Americans.
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Listen now.
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Beckys and Danas, you know the show is called Don t Ask Tig, but despite my reluctance, you are technically allowed to ask me for advice.
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So send in your problems.
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Do you have a confession you need to tell me?
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Issues with dating or your love life?
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From office etiquette to parenting advice to gift ideas, don t ask away.
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Just go to DontAskTig.org or call me at 833-275-8444.
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That s 833-ASK-TIG-4.
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And leave a voicemail if I don t pick up.
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But that phone number does ring the phone directly next to my bed.
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So I should answer, but if I don t, leave a voicemail.
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Okay, look forward to hearing from you.
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Now on with the show.
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This is Don t Ask Tig.
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I m Tig Notaro reminding you that the best advice often comes from within.
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So maybe ask yourself instead.
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My guest today is an actor, comedian, and writer.
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She plays Carol on the Apple TV show, Mythic Quest.
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You can find her performing in the standups on Netflix, as well as That s My Time with David Letterman.
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NAOMI ECK-PARRIGAN.
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NAOMI ECK-PARRIGAN.
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Hey.
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How are you?
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I am all right, Tig.
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You know.
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Are you?
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I mean, I m in one of those moods where, and at least I have awareness now, nothing is wrong externally-ish, but I really, like, hate everything.
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You know what I mean?
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Oh.
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Is this always or right now?
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It s an ebb and a flow with me.
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And I think it s that, um,
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I, in general, am not good with managing my downtime, and we are in a business with a lot of downtime, and I m just in one of those lulls.
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And I just sit, like, I don t know what to do.
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And then that s when I really don t like living in L.A., because it s like, in New York, there s always something to kind of keep you busy in terms of just, I don t know, I ll just, like, walk to Duane Reade.
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I ll be on a train, and the train decides to stop working, and the next thing you know, that s an hour out of your day.
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And I just am like, I don t know what to do with my time.
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Well, you re on Don t Ask Tig.
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And I m very happy to have you here.
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I hope that I m not part of all the things you hate because I adore you.
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And I just wanted to share with people, I was not familiar with you until I directed you on Two Dope Queens.
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And I was like, who is this person?
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And how do I see more of her?
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Oh, my God.
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I mean, truly.
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I think you re hilarious.
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I m honored.
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I m honored.
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Do you remember that show though?
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Do you remember I got a second degree burn on my forehead right before we started filming?
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Oh, right.
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It was so funny because, you know, you re always nervous of the taping.
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And then I said, tick, tick.
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This is my first time beating tick.
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And then literally with a curling iron, burned my forehead.
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And I said, you know what?
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Just let go and let God.
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You know what I mean?
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Like sometimes you need something to happen to take your mind off of like the nerves.
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Yes, and so that s what happened.
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You burned your head, and it took out all the nerves.
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Well, you killed on that show.
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Thank you.
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Thank you.
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I don t advise anybody doing that on purpose, okay?
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Don t hurt yourself thinking it s gonna take away stage fright.
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Don t do it!
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Yes.
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But, you know, it worked.
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The perfect storm happened.
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But, man, are you good.
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And you re not from California.
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You re born and raised in Harlem?
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And then went to private school on the Upper East Side, is that correct?
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Yeah, that s what happens.
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That happens sometimes.
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And that experience, you said, helped you develop an outsider perspective?
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I say that is why I do stand-up.
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Like, literally, full stop, right?
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Because it s interesting, when people find out now, if I m like, oh yeah, I went to Dalton, I grew up in Harlem, they go, ooh, fancy.
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And I m like, I m from pre-Red Rooster Harlem, okay?
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When nobody s f***ing with Harlem, okay?
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It was not cool growing up.
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It was Harlem, Harlem, Harlem, Harlem.
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Exactly.
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I m like, Harlem in the 80s.
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Do you recall the film New Jack City?
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That s it.
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But it was just, not just because I was different, but it was literally, to me, it gave me that awareness of every single day taking the bus, you know, from Harlem to the Upper East Side, and you just, like, watch the city change, right?
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And you re going, oh, this is where
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rich people live, or this is the difference here.
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I remember growing up, me and another friend of mine who lived in Harlem, we would take the bus together.
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We d take the bus home together, and the bus would be full after school, but we would always stand by white people because we knew they were getting off the bus by 96th Street.
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So we knew a seat was going to open up.
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And so we d literally be like, you stand by that old white lady.
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I m gonna stand over here, and then we re gonna get a seat. 
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And, you know, that was the rule for the longest.
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You knew at 96th Street, it would empty out, and then, kind of in early 2000s, and after that, it went higher and higher.
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It would be 103rd, then 110th, then 116th, and I was like, okay, they re here.
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They re here!
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Yeah.
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They re everywhere, let s be honest.
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How did that inform your comedy, being the outsider?
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I just feel like it was a hyper-awareness of situations, that ability to look at it on a macro level and be like, this is wild.
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Is anyone else, like, familiar with this?
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And how crazy it is?
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And also, you know, a lot of times, too, and this can still happen, but especially back when I was younger, what it was to be, like, one of the few Black people in a white space.
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And a lot of times people...
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people not paying attention to me.
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Like, you could just really, like, horn in on some stuff when people don t think you re supposed to be there.
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Or if somebody thinks you work someplace, and you re like, actually, no, I m in attendance.
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I am not passing apps.
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And so, like, you can, like, really get in some tea, some information.
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I call it going inside Caucasian.
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You know what I mean?
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I felt very much like I was a David Attenborough type.
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Yeah.
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I love that.
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No, I m in attendance.
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I mean, do you enjoy Los Angeles?
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I know you re bored right now, but what are you missing about New York?
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Look, I hate to belabor it, and I hate to be somebody, because I do think it s very cliche to be a New Yorker who doesn t like L.A.
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But I just think it s a matter of, this is not my frequency, this land, okay?
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You know, I don t drive, Tig, so that s problem one.
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I know, I gotta pick you up and drop you off all around town.
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But, you know, people have their complaints now about New York, that it s not what it was decades ago, and so do you still feel like when you go back to New York, you re like, oh, this feels right, I m home, or?
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It definitely does feel different, and I recognize how, for instance, when I get there, it does take me a couple days to acclimate.
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I m like, oh, no, I ve become someone who, like, forgot about crowds.
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Um, but I think it s just, you know, what I m used to.
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I think that I really, I like the energy and the buzz on the streets.
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That s something that throws me off here.
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Like, when I walk, and I mean, even in the middle of the day, you know, walking the dog, and I m like, I m the only person on the block.
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That s weird.
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It s like, where is everybody?
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Plus, I watch all these murder shows, so I m convinced I m on the brink of death at any time.
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Well, I m sure your dog would save you.
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No, she would go home with whoever it was.
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literally.
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I m telling you.
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You come up and try to murder me, she would just look at you and be like, are you my mommy now?
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So rude.
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What kind of dog?
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She s a tiny, like, we think Maltese-Yorkie mix.
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But kind of looks like any of those, like a Havanese, uh, little poodle.
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Maybe a cat.
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Maybe a cat.
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Perhaps a potato.
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Sometimes she looks like a real potato.
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Just a potato on four legs.
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So you have a podcast, which I ve been on, called Couples Therapy, that you co-host with your adorable, wonderful husband, Andy.
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I hope you re still feeling that way even...
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Hating everything right now.
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I am.
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Well, currently, Tick, he s sick.
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He got a fever of 101.5.
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Is it COVID?
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Well, we just took PCRs.
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He tested negative on the rapids.
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I tested negative on the rapids, and I don t have symptoms, but he also hasn t had a fever in years.
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So, we re like, is this the one?
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So, we re waiting to see.
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And so, where is he right now?
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He s in the back.
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He s in the bedroom.
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He s quarantined.
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Oh, no.
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We re living separate.
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I slept on the couch last night and had the animals with me.
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And then he s back there and the fever seems to have broken.
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But the question is, is it going to stay broke?
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Because you know, when you take the acetaminophen, it does its job, but it s got to be on its own.
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He s got to be fever free for 24 hours.
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Well, I m gonna be thinking about him.
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Thank you.
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And it was a joy for Stephanie and I to join you on Couples Therapy.
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What wisdom would you say you ve gained from asking a bunch of people about a typically private subject?
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Their love lives.
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Exactly, right, their relationships.
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And I will say this, and what s something I love and why I tend to probe in general with people is like, what I ve learned is that everybody got a struggle.
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You know what I mean?
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Even the relationship that s 20 years strong, the person who seems like they re like, single and fabulous, you know, everyone s got a struggle.
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And it doesn t mean like it s all bad, but even the most solid relationship is like, we go through this, right?
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This is a fight we have, and this is how we work through it.
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And I think it s so important to know those things the same way, you know, just talking about like, oh, you can get sick, because it s so easy to compare and despair and look at people s lives and go, they got it locked down.
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You know, they know what s up.
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And then you look at yourself and go, why don t I have that, right?
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And so the moment you find out, it s like, we all struggling with something.
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I mean, look, Andy s sick, the house is a disarray, okay?
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And I don t even have children.
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Just literally already one cat, he done missed one of his medicines.
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I said, damn it, I got to go back.
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And like, I am a true like messy monster and I will clean it.
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Cause I know he ll be upset if I don t.
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So he is not a messy monster.
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No, no, no, no.
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He likes order and tidy.
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And I also think it s one of his procrastination tools is to clean.
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Whereas me, my procrastination tool is to take a nap.
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So like, he s like... Meanwhile, your animals are left going, these are our parents.
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It s so true.
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He s got work to do and she is sleeping and this house is immaculate.
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It is fascinating because you can learn that lesson over and over that everyone is struggling, whether it s in their relationship, in their job, with their family, with their friend circle, their health, whatever it is.
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You can think people are all set and then you hear, no, no, no, they re struggling.
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You go, oh, right, everyone struggles.
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And then you go back to your regular life and you go, oh, they re doing okay.
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Everybody s okay.
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And
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No, no, no.
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Every single person!
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Look to your left, look to your right, look at your neighbors, look in your family, your friend circle, your job.
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Everyone s struggling here or there.
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And it is great to have those conversations to remind people that they re not alone.
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That s what you re doing.
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I m trying to do it too!
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You re doing it!
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You re doing it!
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I m doing it!
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Well, you know you are a calming force in the lives of millions.
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Okay, Tick?
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I m going to tell you that right now.
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Because you re so silly and funny, but in such a calm way.
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Like, it really feels very effortless.
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It doesn t feel thirsty.
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It doesn t feel sweaty.
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And so I always feel like it s very like, Tick, take me away.
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You know, very Calgon.
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I want to be there.
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I will take you away any old day.
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Thanks for the kind words.
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And I m wondering if you re ready to try and help some people out.
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You know, bring some calmness or some silliness or good advice, bad advice.
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The show is Don t Ask Tig.
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So, you know, it s wide open.
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These people are desperate.
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You know, you ve told them not to ask you and they re asking you.
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But so are we.
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So are we.
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We re desperate and we re giving them answers.
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We re all desperate.
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We re all struggling and desperate.
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Now, your couples therapy experience might come in handy for our first question, all right?
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Alyssa writes, my husband and I have been married 18 years with two kids, with the last handful of years being quite bumpy.
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Our interests have diverged over time, but we are trying to revive our relationship with therapy, and we would also like to start a new hobby, activity, or interest together.
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What do you recommend we pick up to bring us closer together?
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Okay, well, Alyssa, well, first of all, Alyssa, you gave me no backstory to tell me what your interests are already.
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Well, it feels like, kind of, who cares?
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Because I ll say right out of the gate, I never would have thought pickleball would be something I would be into.
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But I ve enjoyed pickleball, and Stephanie turns out she enjoys pickleball, and that s fun.
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You know, you give the advice you want to give.
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But I would say, aside from a specific advice of a new hobby,
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My gut tells me, just try new things together.
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And that creates new conversations, new topics of discussion, which I guess are also conversations.
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But, you know, I just, Stephanie and I, when we first started dating, we had this box of random suggestions we both threw in there and crumpled up.
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And, you know, you can open the box and dig something out and...
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go to some pottery place and make a clay pot and just surprise yourself.
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What s your feeling?
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Okay, that is, first of all, that is the cutest thing I ve ever heard.
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A box of lover s surprises.
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Okay.
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And also, I agree because this is also something that Andy and I, as I said, we run up against, especially, certainly,
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you know, having been in quarantine, isolation, where we just, I think we just got used to not doing stuff, you know?
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And so now we really do have to make a concerted effort.
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And one of the things we do, you know what it is?
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What I say is, make it a yes.
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Meaning, you know, you might hear about something and go, Oh, that s good.
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But then you just kind of just like, you know, and pivot and whatever else.
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Instead of whenever I get like a huh,
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I go, make it a yes.
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Yes, let s do that.
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Right?
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So if someone s like, oh yeah, someone s telling me about Sinespia, you know, which like movies that Hollywood Forever Cemetery and it was like, oh, okay.
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And then it was like, make it a yes.
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Okay, Andy, let s look it up and let s see what movies coming up that we want to see.
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That s going to be like good for us to do.
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And then we get our tickets, right?
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Like, cause I find that sometimes I just like, we ll have half an idea and not really follow through.
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And you know, look, my phone has so much to do.
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Then I ll just do that instead.
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And so,
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I think it s really, like, pushing yourself to go past the, sounds interesting, and to actually doing it.
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And find out if it s interesting.
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Exactly.
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And also, I don t know about you, but, like, I really bond over hating stuff, you know?
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So, like, a shared hatred.
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So, even if I go, we do something and it s not fun, we have a lot of fun.
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Like, just sitting there being like, what is wrong with everyone else?
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Do you know what I mean?
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Yes.
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That s great.
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I feel like I d waste Alyssa s time by rattling off things aside from my new favorite thing, pickleball.
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You re the second person to bring up pickleball in 12 hours, okay?
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I m gonna tell you right now.
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It is the fastest-growing sport, for sure, in the U.S.
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But where do you play?
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Do you go to a te... Well, a lot of tennis courts are becoming... Okay.
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multi-use, you can do tennis or pickleball.
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But outside of that, go do anything and everything like you re saying and make it a yes.
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Because you should choose to care about what to do with your free time.
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Anyway, choose to care, make it a yes, get out there, Alyssa.
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One last idea is that you and your husband could just listen to Don t Ask Tig or couples therapy.
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You could do that.
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I hope that helps.
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That honestly gets people talking, because sometimes we definitely have people who are like, we heard this and it made us think of this, you know?
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I think it s a good neutral way to bring up relationship questions and issues, right?
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Because you hear someone else and you re like, what would you do if you were in that situation, honey?
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And then you get them, you kind of get them.
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Yeah, it s true.
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Any of those conversation starters are what s gonna bring back the fire.
0
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What about a sexy lover s dance class?
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People always say, take a dance class.
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Because, like, on one hand, I m like, I see why that s a go-to suggestion.
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But that is so funny.
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It also seems to be, like, kind of a nightmare.
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SPEAKER_02
Like, to be in a class setting, learning to dance.
0
SPEAKER_01
Oh, my God.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yes, it sounds like a nightmare, but it also sounds just the perfect amount of ridiculousness to look at Stephanie and be like, look at what we re doing just to drag this relationship along another decade.
0
SPEAKER_01
Look at us.
0
SPEAKER_00
Oh, my God.
1
SPEAKER_02
We met on the movie called In A World.
1
SPEAKER_02
And whenever we find ourselves in some embarrassing or sad or pathetic or weird situation, we always turn to each other and say, we met on In A World.
1
SPEAKER_02
All right, it s time to take a break.
1
SPEAKER_02
Naomi and I will be right back with more questions.
1
SPEAKER_00
a six billion dollar con.
1
SPEAKER_00
It didn t take long for it to spread like wildfire.
1
SPEAKER_00
You got to take a look at this really crazy gold stock.
1
SPEAKER_00
A buddy of mine got in at a dime.
1
SPEAKER_00
Which destroyed lives and devastated communities.
1
SPEAKER_00
Every little town across the nation, people have shares in this.
1
SPEAKER_00
We lost everything.
1
SPEAKER_00
And to date, no one has been brought to justice.
1
SPEAKER_00
Somebody knows more than we know.
1
SPEAKER_00
The $6 billion gold scam from the BBC World Service and CBC.
1
SPEAKER_00
Search for the $6 billion gold scam wherever you get your podcasts.
1
SPEAKER_02
And we re back.
1
SPEAKER_02
Naomi, as we mentioned, you have a pet potato.
1
SPEAKER_02
That has four legs.
1
SPEAKER_01
That might be a cat.
1
SPEAKER_01
NAOMI BLACKWELL Yep.
1
SPEAKER_01
I have a daughter, a potato daughter dog, and then I have two cat sons.
1
SPEAKER_01
And it s just, you know, yeah, it s a full house.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s very tender.
1
SPEAKER_01
The cats are brothers and they re 16 years old.
1
SPEAKER_01
And the dog, you know, she s new to the gang and they re really like, they tolerate each other.
1
SPEAKER_01
You know what I mean?
1
SPEAKER_01
And they really find her to be very, like, calmed down.
1
SPEAKER_01
You know, right?
1
SPEAKER_01
Like, dogs make sounds.
1
SPEAKER_01
Cats don t really, unless they want your attention.
1
SPEAKER_01
And so, when she barks, they re like, ew.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, yeah, we have one cat that meows a lot.
1
SPEAKER_02
Like, just cause.
1
SPEAKER_02
And we call her Squakers.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
Her name is Skip, but I know Skip sounds like a nickname, but it s her God-given name.
1
SPEAKER_02
And then Squeakers is because she s just... Well, you know how it sounds.
1
SPEAKER_02
All three of them follow each other around the house, which is pretty cute.
1
SPEAKER_02
That is so cute.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s tender.
1
SPEAKER_01
Your house is like, I don t think your home would be a really good picture book.
1
SPEAKER_01
You need to think about making a book for children because you have red-headed twins and three cats.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s beautiful.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s a drawing.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, I mean, sometimes the drawing has coloring inside the lines, and then sometimes it goes real far out of the lines, but that s life, right?
1
SPEAKER_02
We love it, we love it.
1
SPEAKER_02
All right, well, your experience with your animals might apply with this next listener question.
1
SPEAKER_02
Lauren writes, I share my bed with my partner, Tim, a dog, and two cats.
1
SPEAKER_02
In the early morning, our cat Charlie bullies Tim into waking up and leaving the bedroom to sleep in the living room.
1
SPEAKER_02
Is it my responsibility to get involved or just let my partner and cat hash it out?
1
SPEAKER_01
That is so funny.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I have to tell you, I directly relate to this because our dog sleeps in the bed with us.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
and Andy lets her run his sleep life.
1
SPEAKER_01
When I tell you this man will be on a sliver of the bed and this dog has pushed him out, this is a 10 pound dog tick, okay?
1
SPEAKER_01
So she is making a concerted effort to stretch her body horizontally to make it so that he is on the edge of the bed.
1
SPEAKER_01
I said to him, Andy, we pay these bills.
1
SPEAKER_01
How you gonna let her have you on the edge of the bed?
1
SPEAKER_01
And he said, well, I don t want to move her.
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t want to disturb her.
1
SPEAKER_01
There have been times he will get up and he will go to the living room.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I said, you know what?
1
SPEAKER_01
I can t control your life.
1
SPEAKER_01
If you choose to let a dog run you,
1
SPEAKER_01
That s on you!
1
SPEAKER_02
Listen, one of my good friends, Leslie, and some people might know her from my HBO special as Lele, but she was trying to leave town two days ago, and our friend was going to pick her up.
1
SPEAKER_02
But Leslie said, I m running late and I don t know when I will be ready because look, and she sent a picture, her cat had gotten in her suitcase.
1
SPEAKER_02
So she said, obviously, I can t pack until my cat decides to get out of my suitcase.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m not going to bother her.
1
SPEAKER_02
And that also reminds me of my favorite cartoon that Stephanie found that she sent me.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, my God, it makes me laugh so hard.
1
SPEAKER_02
This old woman is sitting in a rocking chair and a cat is sleeping in her lap.
1
SPEAKER_02
And out of the window in the distance, you see a tornado headed towards her house.
1
SPEAKER_02
And that is her priority, is that she doesn t want to disturb her cat.
1
SPEAKER_02
She s gonna put her life on the line.
1
SPEAKER_02
So, I understand the not disturbing animals, you know?
1
SPEAKER_02
And letting animals run your life, I guess.
1
SPEAKER_02
Right.
1
SPEAKER_01
But you can t intervene.
1
SPEAKER_01
No, no, no, no.
1
SPEAKER_01
They have to establish their dynamics.
1
SPEAKER_01
And if their dynamic is such that Tim Tom, I don t know white people s names.
1
SPEAKER_01
I just assume he white.
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t know why.
1
SPEAKER_01
Because maybe he let a cat move him.
1
SPEAKER_02
You can t act like you don t know white men s names when you re married to Andy, who is white, white, white.
1
SPEAKER_01
But there s like interchangeable.
1
SPEAKER_01
Do you know what I mean?
1
SPEAKER_01
It s like if you were like, I m Andy, but also like I m Brian, but also I m Ben.
1
SPEAKER_01
I d be like, sure.
1
SPEAKER_01
Like whatever name he has that day.
1
SPEAKER_02
So what do we tell Lauren?
1
SPEAKER_02
Does she get involved or we just say, this is how it goes?
1
SPEAKER_02
No, unless he s complaining, you know?
1
SPEAKER_01
And he s like, I can t ever sleep, whatever.
1
SPEAKER_01
But it s like, it seems to be like,
1
SPEAKER_01
He s letting it happen and he thinks it s probably kind of cute.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s like, okay, Kat, we share.
1
SPEAKER_02
You re fine, Lauren, everything s fine.
1
SPEAKER_02
Thanks for writing in.
1
SPEAKER_02
Say hi to Tim and Charlie for us.
1
SPEAKER_02
Was it Tim or Tom?
1
SPEAKER_02
Tim, Tom, Charlie, Ben.
1
SPEAKER_02
Naomi, this next question is what I call a... Oh, boy.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, boy.
1
SPEAKER_02
Kirsten writes, I am a funny woman raising a funny daughter and I allow her to curse at home.
1
SPEAKER_02
In public, she generally contains herself.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m also in the relationship of a lifetime.
1
SPEAKER_02
It is healthy, stable, trusting, and he loves my daughter as well.
1
SPEAKER_02
We are meeting his parents for a vacation and he asked if I could please leave my daughter with my parents while we go because of my daughter s lack of filter.
1
SPEAKER_02
His parents are the type who would be shocked to hear her curse.
1
SPEAKER_02
I told my boyfriend that she would be on her best behavior, but he is still uncomfortable.
1
SPEAKER_02
I can t help but feel that she is being left out, as his nieces will also be there.
1
SPEAKER_02
Should I sit her down and tell her the reason she can t come? 
1
SPEAKER_02
I mean, do you have feelings?
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay, in the shoes of the guy who s allegedly great, because I am still using allegedly, okay?
1
SPEAKER_01
Because, you know, I have questions now.
1
SPEAKER_01
But, you know, when you bring your partner in to see your family and maybe you and your family got drama, or you know how your family is, right?
1
SPEAKER_01
We all have a, we know how they re going to be.
1
SPEAKER_01
And you feel like, I don t want to add another layer to this because it s not worth dealing with them yet in that way.
1
SPEAKER_01
So I get where he might be like, can we not?
1
SPEAKER_01
But in doing that, not only are you excluding the child, it s almost like you re saying, okay, I don t want my parents to know that you are this way as a parent.
1
SPEAKER_01
You know what I mean?
1
SPEAKER_01
Which is another thing, too.
1
SPEAKER_01
It feels a little exclusionary in a way that it s like,
1
SPEAKER_01
I think suck it up.
1
SPEAKER_01
Suck it up and he s got to be uncomfortable for a few days.
1
SPEAKER_01
Or maybe is there a split the diff where it s like, okay, you ll go be with your grandparents for two days, then you ll meet us for two days.
1
SPEAKER_01
You know, is there?
1
SPEAKER_01
I mean, I know that s easier said than done with kids traveling, but.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I mean, I feel like if the concern is about the filter, you re gonna have that edge for two days, which is gonna feel like an eternity.
1
SPEAKER_02
And might as well just do four days.
1
SPEAKER_02
But listen, if you just solve Karsten s problem, then great.
1
SPEAKER_02
But I would lean towards
1
SPEAKER_02
You gotta bring the kid, because I would say the kid s feelings are more important than the parents being shocked over this, or the boyfriend, his struggle, because... So, they re shocked.
1
SPEAKER_02
Like, they re shocked, okay?
1
SPEAKER_02
I mean, it s like, my kids cuss, and when my stepfather came last year, I was like, hey, just so you know, Max and Finn, uh, they cuss.
1
SPEAKER_02
And he was like, Oh, did they learn that from school?
1
SPEAKER_02
And I said, No, from Stephanie.
1
SPEAKER_02
And he laughed and whatever.
1
SPEAKER_02
I mean, he was very laid back with so many things like that.
1
SPEAKER_02
So there wasn t really an issue.
1
SPEAKER_02
But
1
SPEAKER_02
I do feel like I would trust that if the kid doesn t normally do this in public, that they re going to rein it in at that house.
1
SPEAKER_02
I mean, I don t think Max and Finn cuss at school because we don t hear about it.
1
SPEAKER_02
And we did visit some family friends and they were playing baseball in the backyard and Max yelled,
1
SPEAKER_02
what the hell was that? 
1
SPEAKER_02
And everybody laughed.
1
SPEAKER_02
I mean, they were five at the time, but it was also a little like, oh, wow.
1
SPEAKER_02
But everyone lived, you know?
1
SPEAKER_02
And I would just put your immediate bubble first.
1
SPEAKER_02
That s your priority.
1
SPEAKER_02
That s my feeling.
1
SPEAKER_02
I put such importance in your immediate bubble of your family and what is your relationship.
1
SPEAKER_02
And if you re seeing this as a long-term thing, which it feels like if you re bringing in family and close friends and taking vacations, it feels pretty serious, then I would just say, look, I trust that my daughter s not going to do that and...
1
SPEAKER_02
I don t feel comfortable leaving her behind.
1
SPEAKER_02
And just go with that.
1
SPEAKER_02
But I hear you.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s tough.
1
SPEAKER_01
But also, I think it s like, and if you are really adamant about leaving her behind, I m not coming.
1
SPEAKER_01
Right?
1
SPEAKER_01
Like, that has to be the next step.
1
SPEAKER_01
Or tell your parents.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, this is what I was gonna say.
1
SPEAKER_01
Having a conversation with the parents.
1
SPEAKER_01
I think it s two things.
1
SPEAKER_01
Like, he and Karsten can sit down with her daughter, and he doesn t have to speak, but he can just be present to know what the conversation is.
1
SPEAKER_01
And just like, we re going here, and we have to be mindful of our words because...
1
SPEAKER_01
You know, Grammy and Grant Pop are very delicate, and they re from a different time, and you know, we don t want, whatever.
1
SPEAKER_01
So at least, okay, everyone s been in on that conversation.
1
SPEAKER_01
So you need to watch your f***ing mouth.
1
SPEAKER_01
Exactly.
1
SPEAKER_01
You better shut the f*** up when we re there, okay?
1
SPEAKER_01
And then he has to have a conversation with his parents that are like, you know, just a heads up, she s a precocious little gal, you know, whatever it is.
1
SPEAKER_02
Sometimes she says things, we re working on it, but this is the package that I come with these days.
1
SPEAKER_02
This is the package I come with these days.
1
SPEAKER_01
And that s why I, you know, I didn t really mean it, but that s why I said allegedly, because it s like, if this person s great, you and your daughter are his family or soon going to be his family.
1
SPEAKER_01
Or, you know, you feel like your family where it s like,
1
SPEAKER_01
It s a done deal.
1
SPEAKER_01
Don t leave her at home.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s like, come on, come on.
1
SPEAKER_01
You got to have nieces running around.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
You know.
1
SPEAKER_02
Kirsten, that s a real hood boy.
1
SPEAKER_02
So best of luck to you.
1
SPEAKER_02
Naomi, our final question is from a fiscally focused fiance.
1
SPEAKER_02
Kate writes, my partner and I are engaged.
1
SPEAKER_02
We can t decide if we want to have a big wedding at a venue or just a lope.
1
SPEAKER_02
Money is tight and even having a modest and somewhat small wedding will stretch our budget.
1
SPEAKER_02
I know that doing a super cheap DIY wedding is possible, but it would take a lot of time and energy, which I m not too keen on.
1
SPEAKER_02
Eloping would save money and probably be a lot less stressful.
1
SPEAKER_02
But we would miss out on having a big party with family and friends.
1
SPEAKER_02
We are stuck in this indecision phase.
1
SPEAKER_02
What should we do?
1
SPEAKER_02
I say split up.
1
SPEAKER_01
I mean... Okay, no, I ve dealt with this for a long time, and I ve thought about every iteration.
1
SPEAKER_01
Here s what you can do.
1
SPEAKER_01
I say you elope, maybe the few family and friends that can swing it, you know, they ll come join you.
1
SPEAKER_01
Obviously you need some witnesses, right?
1
SPEAKER_01
And then if what you want, and I understand this impulse so much, is a gathering of friends and family to celebrate this change in your life, you say,
1
SPEAKER_01
We re all meeting at such and such bar or restaurant or whatever for two or three hours one afternoon.
1
SPEAKER_01
Maybe you open up a tab for $1,000.
1
SPEAKER_01
Maybe you don t at all.
1
SPEAKER_01
Maybe it s cash to your thing.
1
SPEAKER_01
But the idea is like, come if you want to come.
1
SPEAKER_01
Letting people know the parameters.
1
SPEAKER_01
I think people who love you will be down for whatever as long as they know what it is.
1
SPEAKER_01
I think when people come, and they re like, where s the food?
1
SPEAKER_01
But if you say, we re doing X, come through, come through to celebrate us.
1
SPEAKER_01
If not, I think you can do that.
1
SPEAKER_01
And you can do it without spending a lot of money.
1
SPEAKER_01
Because this is like, I had to deal with this for so long.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I ll tell you, like, I ve been engaged for so long.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I m only now biting the bullet on the wedding, because I wanted to wait until we did have the money.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I also felt like I wasn t so pressed about like, we have to be legally wed.
1
SPEAKER_01
It felt like, you know, once you re co-hosting a podcast,
1
SPEAKER_01
I mean, that s legally binding.
1
SPEAKER_02
Exactly.
1
SPEAKER_02
That s what the government s going to be looking at.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s what they re looking at, you know, how many episodes.
1
SPEAKER_01
And so, so I was impressed for that.
1
SPEAKER_01
So I said, okay, we can wait if we want to do something more formal.
1
SPEAKER_01
But I thought about so many iterations.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I m also with you, like, I m not a DIY, I m not an Etsy kind of person and able to, you know, make paper swans or whatever.
1
SPEAKER_01
Like, so I
1
SPEAKER_01
I knew what I was gonna need to do, which is pay somebody money.
1
SPEAKER_01
But if it s like, if you re not attached to the trappings of it, and what you truly want is the gathering of people, you can do that for lower nobody.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I also say afternoon, because I think afternoon things in general tend to be cheaper, tend to be less crowded.
1
SPEAKER_01
You know, you re not also dealing with the dinnertime expectation.
1
SPEAKER_01
You can really have a two to five moment.
1
SPEAKER_02
I mean, you nailed it, all right?
1
SPEAKER_02
So, Kate, congrats on your future marriage, regardless of how it happens, but I think you should go with what Naomi suggested.
1
SPEAKER_02
That s really good.
1
SPEAKER_02
All right, Naomi, we ve got one last thing to do before I let you go.
1
SPEAKER_02
We re being called upon to name that thing.
1
SPEAKER_02
Name... that... thing!
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
On Name That Thing, people write in when they don t know what to name some things of theirs.
1
SPEAKER_02
Like their betta fish or beehive.
1
SPEAKER_02
The catch is they must use the name.
1
SPEAKER_02
No going back.
1
SPEAKER_02
Does this make sense?
1
SPEAKER_02
All right.
1
SPEAKER_02
Karen writes, Hi, Tig.
1
SPEAKER_02
I have recently started Roller Derby.
1
SPEAKER_02
After a few months of people calling me by my nickname, KP, it s time for my derby name.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m struggling to come up with something and would love your input.
1
SPEAKER_02
Please help.
1
SPEAKER_02
Thanks and love your show.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, Karen, way to not tell us a darn thing about yourself.
1
SPEAKER_02
I mean, I could just be, okay, it s Fred, enjoy it.
1
SPEAKER_03
You know?
1
SPEAKER_02
I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_02
Naomi, is there anything that pops out to you?
1
SPEAKER_01
I m trying to think of like a pun on something that also implies power and danger, you know?
1
SPEAKER_01
And that s kind of the hard... What about power and danger?
1
SPEAKER_01
What about Dangerfield?
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t like it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Even I said it, I didn t like it.
1
SPEAKER_01
But sometimes you gotta just put it out.
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t like it one bit.
1
SPEAKER_02
No, you have to get thoughts going.
1
SPEAKER_02
Were you thinking of Rodney Dangerfield?
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, for a second, I thought of a derby, but it doesn t happen on a field.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s on a rink.
1
SPEAKER_02
Danger rink.
1
SPEAKER_02
No.
1
SPEAKER_02
Danger... Danger.
1
SPEAKER_01
I just feel like they always have fun, cool, like, we re gonna, you know,
1
SPEAKER_02
Smash your face in.
1
SPEAKER_01
Exactly.
1
SPEAKER_01
Smashing pumpkin!
1
SPEAKER_01
Smashing pumpkin is good.
1
SPEAKER_01
That could be cute.
1
SPEAKER_01
I like that.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s sweet.
1
SPEAKER_01
Smashing pumpkin.
1
SPEAKER_01
What do you think?
1
SPEAKER_01
You wanna keep going?
1
SPEAKER_01
We can keep workshopping.
1
SPEAKER_02
Okay, but right now, smashing pumpkin is really, really good.
1
SPEAKER_01
Or smash sister as opposed to a smash brother.
1
SPEAKER_01
You know what I mean?
1
SPEAKER_01
Like, I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t love it.
1
SPEAKER_01
But again, I m just trying to... We need whimsy and power.
1
SPEAKER_01
We need to evoke whimsy and power.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, and then there s KP is her nickname.
1
SPEAKER_02
Is there something?
1
SPEAKER_02
Because P could be pumpkin.
1
SPEAKER_02
That s true.
1
SPEAKER_02
Killer pumpkin.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, that s fun.
1
SPEAKER_02
Or what about killer pumpkin?
1
SPEAKER_01
Killer Punisher.
1
SPEAKER_01
Really mean and scary.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m thinking of really hardcore, but also soft.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, killer pumpkin.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, you know, like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
Hi, pumpkin.
1
SPEAKER_01
Hey, pumpkin.
1
SPEAKER_02
Hey, pumpkin.
1
SPEAKER_01
Killer pumpkin coming around the bend.
1
SPEAKER_01
Right?
1
SPEAKER_02
Like not pumpkin.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, pumpkin.
1
SPEAKER_02
Killer pumpkin.
1
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yes, yes, yes.
1
SPEAKER_02
KILLERPUNKIN?
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, that s it.
1
SPEAKER_02
All right, so KP, are you sure over Smashing Pumpkin?
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, definitely, definitely.
1
SPEAKER_02
Okay, so KP now stands for KILLERPUNKIN.
1
SPEAKER_02
All right, Karen, your official roller derby name is KILLERPUNKIN.
1
SPEAKER_02
I hope you like it and we can t wait to see the jersey.
1
SPEAKER_02
Naomi, it was so fun catching up with you, and thank you so much for taking the time to be on the show.
1
SPEAKER_02
Thank you so much for having me.
1
SPEAKER_02
A dang delight lifted me up in the middle of the day.
1
SPEAKER_02
Do you have anything you d like to promote?
1
SPEAKER_02
As always, listen to Couples Therapy.
1
SPEAKER_02
Check out Couples Therapy.
1
SPEAKER_02
Subscribe to Couples Therapy.
1
SPEAKER_02
You know what?
1
SPEAKER_02
While you re clicking around, subscribe to Don t Ask Tim.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, you got to leave it a five star review.
2
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh, five stars.
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That s what we need out here.
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Or just leave me a nasty, crazy review because people do that too, right?
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No, we don t want that.
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We can t control what they re doing.
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I d appreciate that you leave nice ones five stars.
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If you have any advice or questions to not ask me, you can send them in at DontAskTig.org and we might try to answer them in a future episode.
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Or you can now call 833-275-8444.
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That s 833-ASK-TIG-4 and leave me a voicemail.
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All right.
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Well, again, I adore you.
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I think you re hilarious and I hope to see you soon.
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See you soon, Tig.
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So much
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That s what you are
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Don t Ask Tig is hosted by me, Tig Notaro.
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It s produced by Thomas Ouellette, Shana Deloria, and Lauren Humpert.
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Our executive producer and editor is Beth Perlman.
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Engineering and sound mixing by Alex Simpson.
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Digital production by James Napoli.
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Talent booking by Marianne Ways.
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Our theme music is Friend in Tig by Edie Burkell and Kyle Crusham, and Listen to Your Heart by Edie Burkell.
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Special thanks to Hunter Seidman.
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APM Studios executives in charge are Chandra Kavati, Alex Schaffert, and Joanne Griffith.
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Concept developed by Tracy Mumford.
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Our executive consultant is Dean Capello and Gobsmack Studios.
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You can always ask for advice at DontAskTig.org.
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Just write in with your problem or send us a voice memo.
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Remember to follow us on social media at DontAskTig.
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DontAskTig is a production of American Public Media.
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And as always, thanks Dana, and I ll tell Becky.
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I m Christina Cotarucci, and this season on Slow Burn.
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It s called Proposition 6.
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The Briggs Initiative.
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John Briggs is going to fire every gay and lesbian school teacher in California.
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With so much at stake, young people became activists.
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We can t let this happen in California.
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And activists became leaders.
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My name is Harvey Milker, and I m here to include you.
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Slow Burn, Season 9.
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Gays Against Briggs.
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Out now, wherever you listen.