0
SPEAKER_02
 I think the challenge we've created in society is that we believe that a long relationship is a successful one.
0
SPEAKER_00
And really, my definition of a relationship is... Welcome to the School of Greatness.
0
SPEAKER_00
My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur.
0
SPEAKER_00
And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness.
0
SPEAKER_00
Thanks for spending some time with me today.
0
SPEAKER_00
Now, let the class begin.
0
SPEAKER_00
 A few months ago, Jay Shetty and I released the first part of our new series, Awkward Therapy.
0
SPEAKER_00
And those of you who heard it, loved it and you really made us excited to see the responses.
0
SPEAKER_00
So thank you for all the love and for listening and checking out that episode.
0
SPEAKER_00
And today I wanted to bring the episode that was originally on Jay's show to share with you those who missed it on my podcast.
0
SPEAKER_00
And this conversation is all about intimate relationships and what we've learned as we've navigated through them throughout our lives and careers.
0
SPEAKER_00
 If you're a fan of this series, make sure to let us know and follow both The School of Greatness and Jay's show, On Purpose, wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_00
The episode around spirituality and success will be released on Jay's show later this week as well.
0
SPEAKER_00
Make sure to let us know what topics you want to hear from us next, as we are so excited to continue this series with you.
0
SPEAKER_00
Welcome to Awkward Therapy.
0
SPEAKER_02
 Is it possible to be exclusive with and love one person for your entire life, for the rest of your life?
0
SPEAKER_00
Oh, we put it out there.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_02
And we want to encourage you to have this conversation with people at work, with people at home, maybe not with your partner.
0
SPEAKER_02
 Maybe, maybe with your partner, maybe that's a good thing.
0
SPEAKER_00
I think it's important to talk, yeah, we want to encourage you to share this with one person that you think would be interesting to have this conversation with.
0
SPEAKER_00
Maybe that is your partner or friend or whatever.
0
SPEAKER_00
Maybe your parents.
0
SPEAKER_00
Maybe your parents, and listen to this, share this conversation with one person,
0
SPEAKER_00
 set a time to have a discussion about what you heard what you liked maybe what you didn't like from this conversation and And share with us in the comments below in this channel What was the most interesting thing or what you'd add to this?
0
SPEAKER_00
I think that'd be yeah.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yeah
0
SPEAKER_02
 I love that.
0
SPEAKER_02
And by the way, the reason why this is called Awkward Therapy is both me and Lewis, not therapists, we're not, we're trying to figure life out and we believe that having open and honest conversations help us do that because you get to hear things from another perspective and you get to just think about something for a lot longer than like the second you make decisions.
0
SPEAKER_02
So anyway, I mean, let's dive in, I think.
0
SPEAKER_02
So what's the answer?
0
SPEAKER_02
Can you do it?
0
SPEAKER_00
 Well, I first think of when we grew up, we watched a lot of movies that would portray this fantasy or this ideal, let's call it, that you find the prince or the princess, you marry, and it's happily ever after.
0
SPEAKER_00
 And then in the real world, things happen.
0
SPEAKER_00
People move town.
0
SPEAKER_00
You get an opportunity to work somewhere.
0
SPEAKER_00
You have to do long distance, and there's challenges.
0
SPEAKER_00
There was a breakup that someone had, and they're still lingering in the new conversation, or they're talking to their ex, or things just happen in life.
0
SPEAKER_00
Or you're just on Instagram, and you get distracted by, and you think that everyone else is better than the relationship you have.
0
SPEAKER_00
There's all these shiny opportunities, right?
0
SPEAKER_00
Or these different people that could bring you more joy or love.
0
SPEAKER_00
 than in the current relationship.
0
SPEAKER_00
And you and I both have friends that are in, let's call it open relationships.
0
SPEAKER_00
I guess you'd call it polyamory, right?
0
SPEAKER_00
Where they have multiple partners, or you have one main partner, and you have multiple relationships.
0
SPEAKER_00
And we both know people that have been married for a long time, decades, who are happily married.
0
SPEAKER_00
We both know people that have been married for decades and are unhappily married.
0
SPEAKER_00
And so I guess, where do we start?
0
SPEAKER_02
 I mean, I think what you said sparked something for me.
0
SPEAKER_02
Like I grew up as a hopeless romantic based on movies and music.
0
SPEAKER_02
So I always believed that there's the one and I wanted this big romantic relationship and I love like flowers and like poetry and like long walks and surprises and gifts because I bought into what Hollywood showed me.
0
SPEAKER_02
 So for me, I think for a long period of my life, I believed that love was what I saw in the movies.
0
SPEAKER_02
And I know that sounds ridiculous, but in my teens, I would say that was massively what I saw.
0
SPEAKER_02
And I would watch American movies, so people getting asked out to prom was like a big deal in American movies, or whether it was like finding that
0
SPEAKER_02
 one person who's going to solve everything, right?
0
SPEAKER_02
And then you start recognizing that, oh, wait a minute, I had a few relationships that look like that on the outside, but then they didn't feel that way.
0
SPEAKER_02
Oh, wait a minute, I've had a few breakups now.
0
SPEAKER_02
Oh, wait a minute, like I thought this person was the one, but they weren't.
0
SPEAKER_02
 And then you start recognizing now that I've been in a long relationship, long-term relationship, you start realizing love looks completely different.
0
SPEAKER_02
And so I think for me, the way I address this or the way I think about this is that first of all, you have to define what love means to you.
0
SPEAKER_02
 and what you want love to be.
0
SPEAKER_02
For some people, they just want love to feel like attraction, infatuation, desire.
0
SPEAKER_02
And if that's how you define love, chances are you're gonna want a new person every month or every year.
0
SPEAKER_00
Because desire or that type of chemical desire, explosiveness, fades eventually.
0
SPEAKER_02
 The studies show that too, and I'm not saying that you can't have desire for someone.
0
SPEAKER_02
I know one couple that's been married for like 30 years, and they would still say they have that, and I love that.
0
SPEAKER_00
I think the desire, yeah, there's different levels of desire.
0
SPEAKER_00
There's like a conscious, healthy desire, where you admire, respect, you're inspired by, and that creates that chemistry and that
0
SPEAKER_00
 whether you want to call it sexual desire or whatever desire you create in your intimacy in a relationship, but the explosive, like unhealthy desire, I feel like only comes when you're kind of trauma bonding each other.
0
SPEAKER_00
Like early on, right?
0
SPEAKER_00
You see something and you're like, I want that.
0
SPEAKER_00
But then there was never like a foundation of values, what you really want in your life together, agreements, you know, this conscious conversation around being a couple.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
0
SPEAKER_02
 Yes, and I would say one thing you said, which is really interesting to me, because I think it's another societal narrative, is that the desire fades, and really what we both know is that desire deepens.
0
SPEAKER_02
Like it becomes about deeper things.
0
SPEAKER_02
And so it's not that it goes away, it's just that it evolves.
0
SPEAKER_02
But if you are only into that initial desire, and I remember for a long time, I mean, my greatest joy came from the pursuit and the chase and the conquest.
0
SPEAKER_02
Pre-monk life.
0
SPEAKER_02
 Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.
0
SPEAKER_02
I got a lot, yeah, pre-monk life.
0
SPEAKER_02
So I got a lot of joy out of wanting to see if I could get someone.
0
SPEAKER_00
Get the girl, yeah.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, because that was the mindset that I was brought up in.
0
SPEAKER_02
Now, of course, when I look back at this, I don't believe in that as a value.
0
SPEAKER_02
I don't think women or anyone are something to get.
0
SPEAKER_02
But I think growing up as a teenager who wasn't exposed to any form of wisdom or insight, you grow up with that mentality of like, you're only trying to prove it to yourself.
0
SPEAKER_00
 Or you're like buddies or something to be like, oh, this person's into me or look what, you know.
0
SPEAKER_02
Which ultimately is you trying to prove to yourself that you are worthy so that your friends respect you.
0
SPEAKER_02
Absolutely.
0
SPEAKER_02
And so now you're going out to obtain this thing, so.
0
SPEAKER_00
How long were you doing that up until?
0
SPEAKER_00
Like how old were you when you stopped the chase?
0
SPEAKER_00
21, like 2021.
0
SPEAKER_01
Better man than me.
0
SPEAKER_00
 What I realized was that there was a lot of fun to the chase, right?
0
SPEAKER_00
There's so fun.
0
SPEAKER_00
It's like this addictive drug.
0
SPEAKER_00
It's like there is someone out there that I'm attracted to or has something that I want or I want to be in contact with them.
0
SPEAKER_00
Whether that's a relationship or a hookup or whatever it might be, right?
0
SPEAKER_00
And then
0
SPEAKER_00
 The attempt to go after, I guess, accomplishing this feat is like a drug.
0
SPEAKER_00
It is like this chemical drug that makes you kind of obsessive about it, right?
0
SPEAKER_00
Until you get it.
0
SPEAKER_00
And then when you get it from a place that is unconscious, it never was fulfilling or rewarding for me, right?
0
SPEAKER_00
And it was creating a foundation from something that wasn't based on values, vision, lifestyle, things like that.
0
SPEAKER_00
 That never worked out for me.
0
SPEAKER_00
It was never healthy.
0
SPEAKER_00
It might have been fun for six months or might have been some good intentions here and there, but it never long-term worked out because there wasn't a foundation of a conscious relationship being developed.
0
SPEAKER_00
I think that's what you did with Radhi, like when you got out of the monk life.
0
SPEAKER_00
 And you started the relationship with Roddy.
0
SPEAKER_00
You guys started from the beginning.
0
SPEAKER_00
What you've told me is about, here are my values.
0
SPEAKER_00
Here's my mission.
0
SPEAKER_00
I'm on a mission to be impactful and serve humanity.
0
SPEAKER_00
This is the type of marriage I want to create.
0
SPEAKER_00
This is the type of life I want to have.
0
SPEAKER_00
This is some of the stuff I remember you telling me.
0
SPEAKER_00
 I think going into a relationship with conscious conversations is probably one of the only ways to set yourself up to win for a lifetime together.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, if you want that.
0
SPEAKER_02
And I know a lot of people who say to me, well, I enjoy the chase and the pursuit like I did.
0
SPEAKER_02
And you pretty much want a new person every month, right?
0
SPEAKER_02
For men at least, or men that I know, where you kind of can get bored quickly.
0
SPEAKER_02
 someone entertains you for a few months and then after that you need something new.
0
SPEAKER_02
You need the chase again, the drug.
0
SPEAKER_02
And you need the chase again and the drug again, which is a great definition, and you keep moving and moving and moving.
0
SPEAKER_02
And then the individual has to decide, I think the choice is, do I want a long-term relationship or do I not?
0
SPEAKER_02
 And there are gifts and pain points in both.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
0
SPEAKER_02
Like there are really exciting, amazing things about dating someone new every few months.
0
SPEAKER_02
And there are really painful parts about it.
0
SPEAKER_02
Absolutely.
0
SPEAKER_02
And then there's loads of amazing things about being with someone for a long amount of time, or at least long for me is 10 years because that's the longest I've ever done with someone.
0
SPEAKER_02
But then there are loads of challenging parts about that.
0
SPEAKER_02
And I think everyone just has to know what type of life they're signing up for.
0
SPEAKER_02
And that's why we're having this conversation because
0
SPEAKER_02
 I don't think that you have to love one person for the rest of your life.
0
SPEAKER_02
I don't think someone should be forced to believe that's the only way life works, especially because some people dedicate their life to someone, then that person leaves them, whether naturally or unnaturally.
0
SPEAKER_02
Someone leaves them because there's infidelity or whatever they may be.
0
SPEAKER_02
And the point is that
0
SPEAKER_02
 you can't force someone to say there is only one person.
0
SPEAKER_02
And I think often the institutions of the world, marriage and religion often kind of enforced people to believe that, well, you got married at 21, you got to be with this person for the rest of your life.
0
SPEAKER_00
Or you're a failure.
0
SPEAKER_02
Correct.
0
SPEAKER_00
Or you made mistakes or you something, something's wrong with you.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I think that's one of the things why people stay in a relationship for way too long.
0
SPEAKER_00
 because they don't want to be something made a mistake or something wrong with them.
0
SPEAKER_00
So they try and try and try to make it work.
0
SPEAKER_00
And maybe they could have made it work, but they just weren't in alignment or something.
0
SPEAKER_00
But a lot of people I think are in shame when they get a divorce, or they're in guilt, or they're in sadness for this loss, because
0
SPEAKER_00
 It didn't work out.
0
SPEAKER_00
They weren't who they thought they were.
0
SPEAKER_00
Something happened, right?
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
It's a lot.
0
SPEAKER_00
I've seen people have been through divorce.
0
SPEAKER_00
It's not fun.
0
SPEAKER_00
Any, just a breakup is not fun.
0
SPEAKER_00
Even if you got married or not, people go through breakups and struggle for a long time, it seems like.
0
SPEAKER_00
So relationships can be messy for sure.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
But what I have discovered in
0
SPEAKER_00
 One year of a relationship.
0
SPEAKER_00
Intense therapy.
0
SPEAKER_00
Well, one and a half years of intense therapy, starting a relationship.
0
SPEAKER_00
This has been something that I've never done, but for the last 10 years, I've wanted to start a relationship in therapy.
0
SPEAKER_00
And me and Martha started that when we first started kind of hanging out.
0
SPEAKER_00
We weren't really dating for the first few months.
0
SPEAKER_00
We just kind of were hanging out and she was dating other people.
0
SPEAKER_00
I was dating other people or just kind of out in the world.
0
SPEAKER_00
When we started,
0
SPEAKER_00
 Getting more serious about it.
0
SPEAKER_00
I was like listen.
0
SPEAKER_00
I've always wanted to do this and I think it's a deal-breaker if we don't do this Because I just want to make sure that we are setting ourselves up for success in terms of peace joy and for me success in a relationship is two individuals independently living their lives and sharing their lives together and
0
SPEAKER_00
 Like she's gone for a couple of weeks working on a project and a movie right now and I'm in Los Angeles doing my thing.
0
SPEAKER_00
I know with you and your wife, she might be gone or you might be traveling and sometimes you're doing it together and sometimes it's a part.
0
SPEAKER_00
And having the freedom and flexibility to be yourself and also be in the relationship.
0
SPEAKER_00
I think that's, for me, what is success at this season of my life.
0
SPEAKER_00
Maybe in 10 years, it'll look like something different.
0
SPEAKER_02
 Yeah, and I think that's the point, right?
0
SPEAKER_02
Seeing life as seasons because you have to ask the question, like, why do we think or why have you in this season decided to be exclusive to one person?
0
SPEAKER_02
And I think often we do that subconsciously.
0
SPEAKER_02
I don't think everyone intentionally thinks
0
SPEAKER_02
 I feel I'm ready for a long-term relationship now.
0
SPEAKER_02
I don't think we do that.
0
SPEAKER_02
I think we assume that at one point, you're meant to kind of get into one and settle down, rather than the conscious choice.
0
SPEAKER_02
Or you're consciously avoiding that.
0
SPEAKER_02
And you're going, no, no, no, no, no.
0
SPEAKER_02
The last thing I want to do is get married or settle down or be in a long-term relationship.
0
SPEAKER_02
And so for me, it's like everyone has to sit there and look in the mirror and go, why do I want either right now?
0
SPEAKER_02
What serves me?
0
SPEAKER_02
 and what serves my vision and what serves what I'm trying to do.
0
SPEAKER_00
That's what it is.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I think when you go back to what is my vision for my life and what do I really want, what will support that vision at the highest level?
0
SPEAKER_00
If you're a single guy and your vision is to be really focused on your mission and your business and growth and your health, and if you're spreading your energy around 10 different women you're dating at once over a year or something or however many you wanna date,
0
SPEAKER_00
 There is a lot of excitement to that lifestyle, but then you have to unwind and essentially, you know, reject every person that you're not going to be with.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
So there's like this unwinding.
0
SPEAKER_00
There's this hurt phase.
0
SPEAKER_00
It's this phase where you're, you know, having challenging conversations and
0
SPEAKER_00
 Detaching from that intimacy of those connections and that's a lot of energy It's a lot of effort that's pulling you from your health or your other relationships or building something deeper and more meaningful When you have 10 surface level relationships as opposed to one deeper I have different friends who have tried the whole polyamory thing who have had multiple partners at the same time who've had one person and then other people on this side and I've never met one man who has
0
SPEAKER_00
 Successfully, I mean had peace in their life.
0
SPEAKER_00
Let's say consistently over years doing that There might be a year or two where yeah seems manageable.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, but then it's like there's always a breakdown Yeah, I've coached people and worked with people in that space and I've just found that it's hard enough with one person's emotions Yes
0
SPEAKER_02
 than to deal with two.
0
SPEAKER_02
And this is what we do as humans, which I find really interesting, is that we make everything extreme.
0
SPEAKER_02
So we're so scared of codependency.
0
SPEAKER_02
So therefore, we go to polyamory.
0
SPEAKER_02
Because we're like, I don't want to be dependent on one person.
0
SPEAKER_02
So instead of figuring out the trauma as to why I become codependent, and instead of purifying and figuring out what it is that makes me codependent,
0
SPEAKER_02
 I just believe that an external shell of being in a polyamorous relationship will solve that.
0
SPEAKER_02
That's often the mindset of people that I've met.
0
SPEAKER_02
I'm not saying that that's the only reason.
0
SPEAKER_02
I'm not saying that, please, haters in the comments and the trolls, I'm not saying this is the only reason.
0
SPEAKER_02
I'm just saying that the people I've spoken to, they've said to me that they were scared of being codependent, so they believed if they had more partners, then they wouldn't be codependent.
0
SPEAKER_00
 Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
Or they'd get the excitement that they were missing in their relationship.
0
SPEAKER_00
They wanted the relationship that would give them support and peace and structure.
0
SPEAKER_00
But if they were missing the excitement, OK, let me go find the excitement somewhere else.
0
SPEAKER_00
And for me, that made a lot of sense.
0
SPEAKER_00
 in my 20s thinking that way, because I was just like, oh, I don't know if you could do this with one person for a long time.
0
SPEAKER_00
That was probably one of my biggest fears, that I would be in love with someone or love someone consciously, but that sexual desire, that exciting feeling that happens in the first, whatever, three to six, nine months,
0
SPEAKER_00
 I wouldn't have with a person once I was married with them when I'd feel trapped.
0
SPEAKER_00
I had to really heal a lot of things from childhood that built that script or narrative to realize that it's possible
0
SPEAKER_00
 with conscious effort to create connection, chemistry, desire with one person if they're the right person in alignment, also doing the conscious work.
0
SPEAKER_00
And that's where I said, like, I need to start therapy so that we have agreement so I can feel peaceful.
0
SPEAKER_00
 to be myself, my full expression, and dive into the relationship with curiosity and fun and excitement and desire in the relationship.
0
SPEAKER_00
And so far, it's been extraordinary in the process of therapy before problems.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, absolutely.
0
SPEAKER_00
I don't know if this is something that you guys did or if you did something like that where you had conscious conversations about kids or what happens with money and all these different things before marriage.
0
SPEAKER_00
Was that something you guys did?
0
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, and I don't think they ever stop, but there's important ones to have before.
0
SPEAKER_02
 And before I get there, I think there was one thing about the...
0
SPEAKER_02
 that I wanted to mention about polyamory is that it's not that, basically there's no external shell that's going to solve your internal trauma and pain.
0
SPEAKER_02
So whether you're with one person or whether you're with three or two or four people, neither of those are the cure.
0
SPEAKER_02
Like you can't say to someone like being with one person and being married to them is the cure for your pain and trauma.
0
SPEAKER_02
Or that if you have two people then you won't be codependent.
0
SPEAKER_02
Like that doesn't solve it.
0
SPEAKER_02
 And so you've got to figure out what is it, again, that I really want.
0
SPEAKER_02
And so for me and Radhe, all I can ever do is be honest about where I'm at and what I want at that time.
0
SPEAKER_00
In this moment.
0
SPEAKER_02
In this moment, because that's going to change, too.
0
SPEAKER_00
What if you made a promise your wedding day about 10 years, 20 years?
0
SPEAKER_02
And that's why I don't think it's a promise.
0
SPEAKER_02
 I think it's an ongoing conversation that is always changing and evolving.
0
SPEAKER_02
It's not a commitment or a promise.
0
SPEAKER_02
It's not saying, I am definitely up for this.
0
SPEAKER_02
It's saying, I am open to this.
0
SPEAKER_02
I'm considering this, or I'm close to this.
0
SPEAKER_02
This is not what I want.
0
SPEAKER_02
So if someone knows they don't wanna have children, but they never talk about that with someone who they know wants to have children because you're scared of raising that, that's unhealthy because that is gonna come up one day.
0
SPEAKER_02
 Or if your desire long term is to live in another city or country but you've not made someone aware that that's what you're considering.
0
SPEAKER_02
And so I don't think this is about this is what I want and this is my promise.
0
SPEAKER_02
It's more just saying this is kind of how I imagine my life.
0
SPEAKER_02
Like this is kind of how I think about it.
0
SPEAKER_00
 Things change, things evolve, people change and all these different things.
0
SPEAKER_00
I think Patrick Bet-David said this, I can't remember where he said this, but I believe he said like every year around New Year's or Christmas, I think this was him, where he says he and his wife get together and say, do we want to do this for one more year?
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
And what worked this year, what didn't work,
0
SPEAKER_00
 How can we make it better?
0
SPEAKER_00
And do we want to do this for one more year?
0
SPEAKER_00
As opposed to, for the rest of our lives, like thinking all the way 50 years away can seem kind of daunting for some people.
0
SPEAKER_00
I think that's an interesting approach.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I think it could be like, every day, what are we grateful for?
0
SPEAKER_00
Was there something that was...
0
SPEAKER_00
 off today that we can address so that it always is improving and growing and in a conversation of growth every day, once a week, once a month, every year, like be having the conversation is the key.
0
SPEAKER_02
I think making a lifelong decision
0
SPEAKER_02
 is a recipe for failure.
0
SPEAKER_02
What is it anything forget loving another person?
0
SPEAKER_02
What could you say that you're going to do every day for the rest of your life apart from shower and brush your teeth and breathe and breathe like what is there that you could truly say hand on your heart that you know you'll be able to maintain?
0
SPEAKER_02
I don't think there's anything so to create that promise
0
SPEAKER_02
 really starts, and I do something similar more regularly with Radhi where I always check in with Radhi and be like, is this the relationship you want?
0
SPEAKER_02
 Is this going in the direction you want?
0
SPEAKER_00
That's a great question.
0
SPEAKER_02
Is it going in the way I want?
0
SPEAKER_02
Because if it isn't, are we willing to change?
0
SPEAKER_02
And if we're not willing to change, then where does this go?
0
SPEAKER_02
And I think doing that regularly, every couple of weeks, every month, every three months, every quarter, turn it into a thoughtful process.
0
SPEAKER_02
To me, that's really healthy because it gives you the
0
SPEAKER_02
 incremental, intricate moments to say, okay, well, I don't like how this is going.
0
SPEAKER_02
And there were days in our relationship, certain years, where I said to Radhi, like, I'm like, this is not the relationship I want.
0
SPEAKER_02
Really?
0
SPEAKER_02
And this is what I'm willing to do for it to change.
0
SPEAKER_02
Are you willing to do something?
0
SPEAKER_00
Was that hard for her to hear that?
0
SPEAKER_02
I think
0
SPEAKER_00
 This is after you were married.
0
SPEAKER_02
This is after we were married.
0
SPEAKER_02
I think that we established those awkward conversations and uncomfortable conversations early.
0
SPEAKER_02
And so it's continued to be easy to have them.
0
SPEAKER_02
But what I found is just the realness of a human, often her response will be, well, I need to think about that.
0
SPEAKER_02
 Like, I don't know, I'm unaware, I'm not sure.
0
SPEAKER_02
And that requires patience and that requires waiting and so many other uncomfortable feelings.
0
SPEAKER_02
But my point is, if you don't do that, you're basically living a lie for years and years and years.
0
SPEAKER_02
And I always find this fascinating that when someone gets divorced, or when someone breaks up, everyone's surprised.
0
SPEAKER_02
 apart from those two people.
0
SPEAKER_02
Because they know what's going on, right?
0
SPEAKER_02
And people may be shocked and they may not be happy with it.
0
SPEAKER_02
But really deep down, you know you've just been going along with the default.
0
SPEAKER_02
And so I find that having that conversation more regularly allows you to pivot
0
SPEAKER_02
 or for some people part.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
0
SPEAKER_02
But I don't think if you don't have that conversation, then the pivot or the part is less likely.
0
SPEAKER_00
My therapist, but also Martha and I are doing individual and then together at certain times, right, which has been extremely helpful to have separation as well, where I can just continue to heal on my healing journey from my own stuff.
0
SPEAKER_00
She can do her own work, and then we can do relationship work together.
0
SPEAKER_00
It's really beautiful experiences.
0
SPEAKER_00
What our therapist and coach says is,
0
SPEAKER_00
 Relationships should be about high engagement, low attachment.
0
SPEAKER_00
You know, high engagement, low attachment.
0
SPEAKER_00
And she's like, that's the hardest thing to do.
0
SPEAKER_00
That's like the ultimate challenge is high engagement, low attachment.
0
SPEAKER_00
And a lot of times in my past, speaking for myself, it was high engagement, high attachment or low engagement, high attachment to the result, to it working out and kind of giving in and abandoning myself just to like try to make it work.
0
SPEAKER_00
 And when I learned how to heal from a lot of different stuff from previous relationships and just learn how to heal my own childhood wounds,
0
SPEAKER_00
 It was easier for me to make decisions and be less attached to the result and just say, this is my vision.
0
SPEAKER_00
This is the type of relationship I want.
0
SPEAKER_00
And so with Martha and me early on, I was like, here is my vision.
0
SPEAKER_00
Here are my values.
0
SPEAKER_00
Here's the lifestyle I want to have for at least the foreseeable next few years and the next five to 10 years, what my intention is.
0
SPEAKER_00
By coming from that space, I was completely clear.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I was like, there's a lot of things you may not like what I'm about to say, but I'm going to tell you 100% the truth.
0
SPEAKER_00
 I'm not going to give in on my truth, and I'm not going to sacrifice.
0
SPEAKER_00
If you want me to change a bunch of things because it doesn't make you happy, then we're just not in alignment.
0
SPEAKER_00
Thankfully, she loved all the things about my values, vision, and lifestyle moving forward.
0
SPEAKER_00
It's also kind of revealing all the things I'm not proud of from the past.
0
SPEAKER_00
It's like, oh, this is how I was in this relationship and this relationship.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I had to learn a lot and reveal that as well to not act like I'm the perfect one.
0
SPEAKER_00
 It allowed for more of a conscious foundation to be started in our year of experience where you've had 10 years, right?
0
SPEAKER_00
10 years you've been together?
0
SPEAKER_02
Next year will be 10 years.
0
SPEAKER_00
So I've had, I don't know, 10 failed relationships in my lifetime.
0
SPEAKER_00
You've had 10 years of a beautiful relationship.
0
SPEAKER_00
And you've had different things that you said in the first few years where you said,
0
SPEAKER_00
 This isn't the type of relationship where I want it to be.
0
SPEAKER_00
That's not what I was into, and it's going in a different direction than what I wanted.
0
SPEAKER_00
What would you say, for me, the biggest thing that I've learned was going into a new relationship, healing the wounds of the past, or being on the healing journey,
0
SPEAKER_00
 And having conscious conversations early and starting in therapy when there were no problems has been extremely helpful for me in one year.
0
SPEAKER_00
What would you say a 10-year has been extremely helpful for you that you also wish you did in the first year?
0
SPEAKER_00
Or maybe you did do it and you're still doing it.
0
SPEAKER_02
 Yeah, I think it's the continuation.
0
SPEAKER_02
It's like when you plant a seed, you water it, and you make sure it has sunlight, and you make sure the soil is good.
0
SPEAKER_02
When it becomes a tree, you still do all of those things.
0
SPEAKER_00
You don't stop watering it?
0
SPEAKER_02
You don't just stop, right?
0
SPEAKER_02
You don't stop just caring for it.
0
SPEAKER_02
The care might evolve and change.
0
SPEAKER_02
You don't need to water a tree in the same way because its roots are there, but you can't be completely negligent.
0
SPEAKER_02
 I think the challenge we've created in society is that we believe that a long relationship is a successful one.
0
SPEAKER_02
And really, my definition of a relationship is, are we growing together?
0
SPEAKER_02
Are we thriving together?
0
SPEAKER_02
And are we learning from each other?
0
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
0
SPEAKER_02
Say it one more time.
0
SPEAKER_02
Are we growing together?
0
SPEAKER_02
Are we thriving together?
0
SPEAKER_02
And are we learning from each other?
0
SPEAKER_02
If I'm not doing that with you anymore,
0
SPEAKER_02
 And then the question is, are you willing to change something in order to do that?
0
SPEAKER_02
And if you're not, and I think the challenge is, and I've heard you talk about this, I think the challenge is no matter how long a relationship gets, you have to be open to the fact
0
SPEAKER_02
 that you could get to a point with someone where there's no more growth, no more learning, and no more thriving.
0
SPEAKER_02
And that's that low attachment.
0
SPEAKER_02
He's recognizing that just as in a business relationship, you wouldn't stay in business with someone if you weren't growing together, you weren't thriving together, and you weren't learning together.
0
SPEAKER_00
 Yeah, and you want to keep your business open if you were in the negative year after year.
0
SPEAKER_00
You weren't having fun.
0
SPEAKER_00
You didn't see opportunities for growth.
0
SPEAKER_00
You're in an industry that was eliminating year after year.
0
SPEAKER_00
You'd be like, okay, maybe this had its season.
0
SPEAKER_00
Correct.
0
SPEAKER_00
And it's time to find a new business to work in.
0
SPEAKER_00
I'm just not saying you need to say, well, maybe this person's had its season or this and this.
0
SPEAKER_00
 Going back to the original conversation, can you be with one person for the rest of your life?
0
SPEAKER_00
Can you love one person for the rest of your life?
0
SPEAKER_00
And it be a healthy, overall healthy, enriching relationship.
0
SPEAKER_00
And again, I think about a successful relationship where each individual is putting 100% into their own personal development and growth and mission, and putting 100% into making the relationship healthy.
0
SPEAKER_00
 conscious, joyful, and that takes a lot of individual work.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
100% on each individual to want to grow and develop.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
And if not, then it's going to be, there's going to be challenges.
1
SPEAKER_01
 Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I think there's something that Esther Perel said, probably on both of our shows, which is, there's a love story and there's a life story.
1
SPEAKER_01
And there's a lot of people you can have a love story with, right?
1
SPEAKER_01
Where you could fall in love with or date and have these romantic nights and these adventures, but they may not be part of your life story.
1
SPEAKER_01
It's so powerful.
1
SPEAKER_01
They may not have your values, your vision, the lifestyle you want to have in your life.
1
SPEAKER_01
 if a lot of those things don't line up, then maybe they're just a seasonal love story, not a longer season life story.
1
SPEAKER_01
There's probably lesser people that could be a life story.
1
SPEAKER_01
And so I don't think that there's
1
SPEAKER_01
 one person that you could be with for the rest of life because you know again something could happen in a partnership where if someone leaves this world then you're just gonna say for the rest of my life I'm not going to be in another relationship like there's there might be a situation or if the relationship is just had its season I agree and the person's not willing to keep working and investing in it
1
SPEAKER_01
 It's like, that's tough.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I just think that's OK.
1
SPEAKER_01
And you're in therapy.
1
SPEAKER_01
And they're just like, no, I just don't care about the relationship anymore.
1
SPEAKER_01
So the other person's supposed to stay attached and give 100% when the other person's giving 0% for a year and year and year.
1
SPEAKER_01
I don't think that's the type of life that we were designed to live.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_01
Just to show up because we made this a commitment to an attachment, I guess.
1
SPEAKER_01
But that's controversial to say.
1
SPEAKER_01
Because when you make a commitment to marriage,
1
SPEAKER_01
 We should try, the intention should be to stay married.
1
SPEAKER_01
That should be the intention.
1
SPEAKER_01
But if one person is unwilling to, and they keep breaking their commitments, and they're not willing to get back on track, or they do things over and over that are hurtful, and they don't apologize and take responsibility, they don't take accountability,
1
SPEAKER_01
 I don't think over a period of time someone needs to abandon themselves to be taken advantage of and abused and used and someone breaking their promise and their commitments.
1
SPEAKER_00
Of course not.
1
SPEAKER_00
And that's one of the biggest issues with setting a commitment at an early stage in life.
1
SPEAKER_00
 when we're immature.
1
SPEAKER_00
When we're like 18, 21.
1
SPEAKER_00
When you don't even know yourself and you make these massive promises.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I just, again, I go back to that, like where else in your life do you make a decision and have to stick to it.
1
SPEAKER_00
For the rest of your life.
1
SPEAKER_00
For 50, 60, 70 years.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so if you do want that with someone, make sure that you are checking in regularly, that you're renewing that.
1
SPEAKER_00
Like you're reconnecting with each other regularly because you don't get to have an amazing relationship with someone because of a promise or a commitment.
1
SPEAKER_00
 you get to do it because you renewed that promise and commitment on a daily, weekly, monthly basis, not because you want to extend the years you've been together, but because you want to extend the growth.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so for me, I think I agree with you that no one should feel forced.
1
SPEAKER_00
And really what marriage is, or what exclusivity is, or what commitment is, is we're going to try
1
SPEAKER_00
 to grow together continuously.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I would rather choose to grow with you than to grow in many different ways.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, it's a conscious choice.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I think, listen, neither of us have kids yet.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
And so I can already see all the comments of people saying, well, wait till you have kids.
1
SPEAKER_01
And you don't know what it's like when you have kids.
1
SPEAKER_01
You have to sacrifice and give up so much.
1
SPEAKER_01
 And I think that's a great excuse for people, and I think it's a valid excuse, but I think it's an excuse that holds people back as well.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I know a lot of married people with kids who are thriving, who are having fun every day or consistently, who are enjoying their lives, who live independently in the marriage as well and have their own time and flexibility, trust, all those things.
1
SPEAKER_01
 Year after year, they thrive with kids.
1
SPEAKER_01
So again, there are going to be more and more challenges.
1
SPEAKER_01
And that's why it's important for each individual to do the work consistently, independent of the relationship, to just become better humans, more emotionally evolved, emotionally intelligent, work on healing.
1
SPEAKER_01
Whatever is triggering you, work on that healing journey so that you're not as reactive with your partner or life.
1
SPEAKER_01
You're not bringing baggage to the relationship.
1
SPEAKER_01
You're more having a conscious conversation in the relationship.
1
SPEAKER_01
 like you said when we make those decisions at 21 or whenever or just early 30 or even at 40 like i i was telling Martha this the other day i was like i don't know if i would have gotten married there's no way i'd be in a relationship if i got married at 25 27 29 there's just no way because i've had to go through so much inner challenges to overcome in the last decade alone
1
SPEAKER_01
 Just now at 39.
1
SPEAKER_01
Do I feel like I finally figured out how to have peace inside?
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah consistently Yeah, I would have messed up any relationship totally without knowing the tools totally on on how to just navigate And it doesn't mean I'm gonna be perfect in this relationship for the rest of my life or whatever But I'm probably gonna make mistakes, but I feel like I have a better awareness of self.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah at 25 27 30 it's like
1
SPEAKER_01
 That's hard.
1
SPEAKER_01
I don't know how you did it 10 years ago.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I mean, nearly 10 years.
1
SPEAKER_00
Next year will be 10 years.
1
SPEAKER_00
But you had four years of monk training where you were just... I mean, there's a bit of everything, right?
1
SPEAKER_00
There was some maturity, but now when I look back, I go, there was also parts of it that were luck.
1
SPEAKER_00
And when I say luck, I mean,
1
SPEAKER_00
 universal, divine intervention.
1
SPEAKER_00
And like, I was fortunate that it was Vradi.
1
SPEAKER_00
There are lots of parts of it where it was like, Oh, like, actually, I wasn't as mature as I thought.
1
SPEAKER_00
But it somehow happened that we were compatible too.
1
SPEAKER_00
And
1
SPEAKER_01
 She was healthy in a certain ways that supported it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Correct, and there's a lot of fortune in that too.
1
SPEAKER_00
Of course.
1
SPEAKER_00
I don't think it's, it's not fair for me to say that it was all didactic and perfectly masterminded because I was so advanced.
1
SPEAKER_00
That's not true.
1
SPEAKER_00
I think there was some maturity, but there was also a lot of immaturity, but that got balanced out by some of her gifts.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I think the point is that
1
SPEAKER_00
 You just can't ever be scared to look in the mirror.
1
SPEAKER_00
You can't be scared to ask those questions.
1
SPEAKER_00
You can't ever stop doing that because that's where it all goes wrong.
1
SPEAKER_00
I think that I have grown more significantly being committed to one woman.
1
SPEAKER_00
 than I would have if I wasn't.
1
SPEAKER_00
So that's my perception.
1
SPEAKER_01
If you would have been single for the last 10 years.
1
SPEAKER_01
Correct.
1
SPEAKER_01
And say single or having different surface level relationships, not being committed to one person.
1
SPEAKER_01
For 10 years, where would you be in your life right now?
1
SPEAKER_01
If you could just hypothetically.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, and I don't think it's an
1
SPEAKER_00
 external success or metric of some sort of financial or, you know, physical situation.
1
SPEAKER_00
It's more that I believe that being in a committed relationship has taught me skills and qualities that I wouldn't have if I wasn't.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I'll give an example.
1
SPEAKER_00
One of my favorite ones is the ability to self-validate.
1
SPEAKER_01
 As opposed to the other person giving you validation.
1
SPEAKER_00
Correct.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I believe that if I was single for the past 10 years, I would have used other people to validate myself.
1
SPEAKER_00
Because I would have been able to go to different people for different forms of validation.
1
SPEAKER_00
Someone telling me, Jay, you're this, you're that, whatever it is.
1
SPEAKER_00
 When you're committed to one person, chances are they don't validate you sometimes.
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, at least in my case.
1
SPEAKER_00
And that trained me in the ability to go inward and validate myself for what I care about myself.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I'm assuming Roddy's not intentionally not validating you, but you're just in life and conversation and you know, you wanted something, but maybe she wasn't being aware of it or whatever, right?
1
SPEAKER_00
 Yeah, the point is you don't get to just solve it by going and finding it somewhere else.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so I think that's what I mean that a lot of the time when you don't get what you want from one person, you can just go find a fix somewhere else.
1
SPEAKER_00
But that stops you from growing in doing it for yourself.
1
SPEAKER_00
So that's one of the big ones.
1
SPEAKER_00
Another one that I would say that I only got through being in a committed relationship was the recognition that effort
1
SPEAKER_00
 and contribution to a relationship was not always visible.
1
SPEAKER_00
So what I mean by that is, often in a relationship, we think of the breadwinner or the person who pays the bills as being the way someone contributes.
1
SPEAKER_00
Or if someone cleans and cooks, that's the way someone contributes.
1
SPEAKER_00
 When you get into a relationship for a long time, you start to realize there are emotional contributions to a relationship.
1
SPEAKER_00
There are spiritual contributions to a relationship, which you don't get to see when your relationship is purely physical.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so now when I look at relationships, I'm like, wow.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Radhe is contributing to this relationship, of course financially in that, but also in this spiritual and emotional way.
1
SPEAKER_00
And in my limited understanding, if I was just moving around, I wouldn't know if that was even possible.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I think, I mean, those are just a couple, there's so many, but I believe that I have grown more and learned more about myself
1
SPEAKER_00
 than I would have if I wasn't, because I think I would have found a quick fix for most of my problems.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, everything.
1
SPEAKER_01
If it was like, you know, if I was just jumping from relationship to relationship, or just dating and not actually being committed to anyone.
1
SPEAKER_01
 When there was a moment of anything getting hard, you'd just be like, eh, I don't wanna deal with this.
1
SPEAKER_01
I'm gonna go to the next person and have fun and just make it light and make it interesting and go after the chase and get that high again.
1
SPEAKER_01
When I started the relationship with Martha, I made a conscious decision, realizing that I was the problem for every previous relationship, that I was the common denominator for things not working out.
1
SPEAKER_01
I said, let me try something different.
1
SPEAKER_01
Let me not dive into what I've always done, which is the sexual chemistry first.
1
SPEAKER_01
 Because that clouded my mind from seeing the person fully, or seeing more of the person, I should say.
1
SPEAKER_01
And that decision to remove that for the first, you know, months of us kind of seeing each other and getting to know each other was so powerful for me.
1
SPEAKER_01
Because I was like, do I want to be, I remember asking some friends in the past, I go, if you guys didn't have sex, would you still be together?
1
SPEAKER_01
And a lot of them were like, no.
1
SPEAKER_01
 Okay, so remove sex from the relationship or remove sexual chemistry from the relationship Would you want to spend quality time with this person consistently?
1
SPEAKER_01
Are you adding value to their life?
1
SPEAKER_01
Are they adding value to your life another person said?
1
SPEAKER_01
You know, could you spend 10,000 meals with this person?
1
SPEAKER_01
Because that's what it's gonna be like if you're getting married and you're with them for a long time 10,000 meals It's interesting enough
1
SPEAKER_01
 And when we jump into, from my personal experience, when you jump into sexual chemistry first, the foundation is usually a little shakier.
1
SPEAKER_01
And also, if you're doing that with multiple people, it's hard to build a strong foundation with one.
1
SPEAKER_01
And you're never really getting that peace.
1
SPEAKER_01
It's kind of, there's always something shaky.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Yeah, well, I mean that's I mean the study showed that to that when you engage in a physical relationship with someone the chemicals that are released after sex Make you feel closer to them when you're not actually closer to the hundred percent So you haven't really done the work for deep value based intimacy, but you're feeling the high feel chemically and
1
SPEAKER_00
 And you could feel that with people again and again and again.
1
SPEAKER_00
And that's why we get more attached to people that we have sex with in that way.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so for me, obviously, through the monk training, that was a big part of it.
1
SPEAKER_00
I mean, celibacy was a huge part of monk training and it was all for mental clarity so you can make better decisions.
1
SPEAKER_00
It's not about saying that you're never having sex.
1
SPEAKER_00
It's about the idea that can I make better decisions
1
SPEAKER_01
 without being clouded from the sexual chemicals.
1
SPEAKER_00
Without being clouded by a chemical release that is making me believe something.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I think that's what people don't, that's what people underestimate is that do you want to make a decision based on reality or do you want to make a decision based on chemicals that are being
1
SPEAKER_00
 exposed to you in a particular moment, which aren't reality.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I think everyone would hold their hand up.
1
SPEAKER_00
Anyone who's in the comment section right now would say, I have been in a relationship where we had a terrible relationship, but the sex was great.
1
SPEAKER_00
I think everyone would agree that they've been in a relationship.
1
SPEAKER_01
And whenever there was an argument, we leaned on sex and got back to a foundation.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Right?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, exactly.
1
SPEAKER_00
And they know that that was toxic and unhealthy because they dealt with pain, they dealt with abuse, they dealt with manipulation, they dealt with trauma because the sex was good.
1
SPEAKER_01
Right.
1
SPEAKER_01
And that's why I think if you eliminate that, at least in the beginning of a new relationship.
1
SPEAKER_00
To learn.
1
SPEAKER_01
To learn.
1
SPEAKER_01
You're going to learn and make better decisions.
1
SPEAKER_01
Mental clarity, like you said, is this person's behavior matching their words?
1
SPEAKER_01
 Do they have the same values that I have?
1
SPEAKER_01
Are we in alignment on a lot of these things that we want?
1
SPEAKER_01
Or do they do certain things that I'll just never want to be around?
1
SPEAKER_01
For me, it was very important.
1
SPEAKER_01
I've never been drunk in my life.
1
SPEAKER_01
It's not something I do.
1
SPEAKER_01
But I can be around it.
1
SPEAKER_01
 I don't want to be around it all the time.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, you know what I mean?
1
SPEAKER_01
Like if you want to have wine once a month, like I'm cool with that if you're drinking every night three glasses of wine It's just a deal, but it's just not for me and there might be something that uh, you know in the past if I if a person wanted to be with me, but I was like Well, I eat sugar all day.
1
SPEAKER_01
That'd be a deal-breaker for them or something or whatever it is Yeah, and it's figuring out like what are the things in alignment that?
1
SPEAKER_01
 that you both want to see if you can be in a great relationship, to see if you can be in a thriving relationship.
1
SPEAKER_01
Because human beings are just messed up.
1
SPEAKER_01
What's it like?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, and if you're trying to, obviously if you're just someone who's like, I just wanna sleep around, mess around, have fun, whatever, sure, that's fine.
1
SPEAKER_00
But if you're in the position in your life right now where you're like, I want to be in a long-term relationship, then it's a healthy thing to consider.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Because you want to have your best decision-making capabilities.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I also think a lot of people are getting into relationships when they feel lonely.
1
SPEAKER_01
And that is a scary thing to do.
1
SPEAKER_01
To be seeking out a relationship because you feel alone.
1
SPEAKER_01
One of the greatest gifts I gave myself was learning how to go take myself out on a date.
1
SPEAKER_01
Go to dinner, go to lunch, go to a movie alone, and learn to enjoy my own company.
1
SPEAKER_01
 was so hard to do because I didn't enjoy my company for so long.
1
SPEAKER_01
I had too many negative conversations with myself and I had to learn how to love myself in a conscious way, in a healthy way.
1
SPEAKER_01
 so that I could be happy alone first, and then not abandon myself in a relationship.
1
SPEAKER_01
And it's like, when the point when I was like, God, I don't want to be in a relationship, that's when Martha showed up.
1
SPEAKER_01
I was like, you know, I'm good.
1
SPEAKER_01
I'm like, so happy alone.
1
SPEAKER_01
I love my life.
1
SPEAKER_01
I've got my business.
1
SPEAKER_01
I got my friends.
1
SPEAKER_01
I am good.
1
SPEAKER_01
That's when she came in.
1
SPEAKER_01
I was like,
1
SPEAKER_01
 Damn it.
1
SPEAKER_01
I don't want to be around you right now, but it's but I can do it because I can I don't have low attachment Yeah from the beginning and I don't need this to make me happy.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yes I think a lot of people get in relationships because they need that to make them feel complete happy and
1
SPEAKER_01
 And I think that's also a foundation of struggle when we come from that space.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
The reason why what you said is so important is that that doesn't stop when you move in with someone.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I think we feel that and I think this is a pressure that's created in relationships, especially in the early days where people expect to spend all their time together.
1
SPEAKER_00
 And if you're spending all your time together, then where is the time to grow independently so that you can improve each other's lives?
1
SPEAKER_00
And so if every night you go home and you put a show on together and you watch it, and that's your way of spending time together, you're not investing in or growing the relationship.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then three months down the line, you're wondering why don't we feel any chemistry or any spark or any compatibility because you both haven't grown independently, so you haven't been able to grow together.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so that's not something that stops.
1
SPEAKER_00
 that going on a date on your own or treating yourself, that never stops, and it shouldn't stop.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I think one of the biggest challenges is that people say, oh, well, if you don't want to spend time with me if we're together, then that means there's something wrong.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so there's this insecurity that if you don't want to spend every moment with me, then you don't think I'm good enough.
1
SPEAKER_00
Or if you don't text me every single moment when we're apart, that means that you don't love me.
1
SPEAKER_01
Bringing me back flashbacks now.
1
SPEAKER_00
 And it's like, and when you live in that, it's like, well, wait a minute, you've missed the point that if they're always with you, then they can't bring anything to you, right?
1
SPEAKER_01
I've heard a couple different people talk about this concept.
1
SPEAKER_01
I think Esther Perel was one of them, and then Rob Bell talks about the space in between the time you're together is where the love deepens.
1
SPEAKER_01
It's like you can deepen it when you have space apart from each other.
1
SPEAKER_01
 And you can miss each other.
1
SPEAKER_01
You can think about the conversation you had.
1
SPEAKER_01
You can think about the activities, the games you were playing, the intimacy, those conversations, those moments.
1
SPEAKER_01
It's the space in between that creates more harmony.
1
SPEAKER_01
I think Yo-Yo Ma talks about harmony is in between the notes.
1
SPEAKER_01
It's the same thing with connection and love.
1
SPEAKER_01
 You know, if I spent every moment with you, I might be like, oh, I need some more time apart.
1
SPEAKER_01
But it's because I only see you once every couple of weeks or once a month, I get so excited about that time together, right?
1
SPEAKER_01
Not that I wouldn't want to see you every day, but you know what I mean?
1
SPEAKER_01
It's like having time to be an independent human being, doing your activities, doing the things you love, will, I think, support you in staying together longer.
1
SPEAKER_01
And the couples that you know and that I know that have been together for 20, 30, 40 years,
1
SPEAKER_01
 At least a lot of them, I feel like, have that one day a week where they're with their friends, have that time where they go on a trip alone or with other people in their life.
1
SPEAKER_01
They learn other activities, they go to workshops together, but also alone on things that they can add value to the relationship and to themselves.
1
SPEAKER_01
Feel independent, but also be committed.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I think that is a huge thing.
1
SPEAKER_01
 to set yourself up to be a healthy, conscious, thriving relationship long term, if you choose to be with one person.
1
SPEAKER_00
If you choose to be with one person, there's a couple of things you have to think about.
1
SPEAKER_00
The first is, what do you actually enjoy to do together?
1
SPEAKER_00
So, Radhi and I discovered that going out to dinner was okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Watching a movie together was okay, but what we really loved was experiences.
1
SPEAKER_00
What we really loved was doing activities together.
1
SPEAKER_00
What we really loved was going to workshops together.
1
SPEAKER_00
Whether it was a cooking class, or whether it was pottery, or whether it was trekking with gorillas that we just did right now, or whether it was going on a hike together.
1
SPEAKER_00
It was doing something active together.
1
SPEAKER_00
 And you know, even in our relationship as friends, like we were talking about this, like when we set our values for this fun fitness and friendship, and we've decided that we want to make sure that we are going out for dinner, but we also want to play some sports.
1
SPEAKER_00
We've been playing pickleball together, or our version of pickleball that we invented.
1
SPEAKER_01
 We're going on hikes, we're doing different things, activities together.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, and like that's what we've realized we like to do.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I think that's a really important thing that if you want to be with someone long term, you have to figure out what you want to do together.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then going even a step further, if you're really going to be with someone long term, your relationship has to have a purpose beyond each other.
1
SPEAKER_00
The goal of your relationship can't be, how do we stay together?
1
SPEAKER_00
 The goal of the relationship is how do we serve together?
1
SPEAKER_00
How do we give together?
1
SPEAKER_00
How do we help our community together?
1
SPEAKER_00
Couples who have that ability to expand their radius of care and compassion, that's what ultimately goes to that stage.
1
SPEAKER_01
 Couples that stay together, serve together.
1
SPEAKER_01
I think that's a great thing.
1
SPEAKER_01
I think in the fitness community, they're like families that work out together, stay together type of thing.
1
SPEAKER_01
But I think couples that stay together are the ones that are serving together.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I know you're talking about this, and I know this is going to be in your next book as well, this kind of concept of the different levels of relationship of, OK, you're in the getting to know, dating stage.
1
SPEAKER_01
Then you're in the commitment stage.
1
SPEAKER_01
Then you're in marriage stage.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then it's like, what is the next stage?
1
SPEAKER_01
 being in service.
1
SPEAKER_01
It's figuring out ways to serve your family, your friends, your community in the ways that make sense for you.
1
SPEAKER_01
That's what's going to keep people together long term.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I think when we stop serving the relationship, and we stop serving others around the relationship,
1
SPEAKER_01
 It's probably going to have more challenges.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
You know, maybe you can make it last and maybe you have some good times, but I feel like you're going to have more challenges to overcome, which is going to make you say one person's not for me.
1
SPEAKER_01
Like this, this relationship is not working.
1
SPEAKER_01
I need a different relationship.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
And maybe that's true.
1
SPEAKER_01
Maybe that relationship wasn't supposed to last, but I think it's,
1
SPEAKER_01
 And I'm so excited for your next book because I've been getting the behind the scenes from you on it.
1
SPEAKER_01
But I feel like you're going to give people this foundation of how to set yourself up at the different stages of a committed relationship.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I don't think there's anything wrong with being single and dating.
1
SPEAKER_01
 dating lots of people.
1
SPEAKER_01
I know a guy right now, he's single and he's going on dates every week with different people, taking people out to dinner and having interesting conversations.
1
SPEAKER_01
And what Matthew Helsey says, our friend, it's kind of like eliminating people that aren't the one for them right now.
1
SPEAKER_01
It's like, I got to go meet a bunch of people, have experiences to see who I don't want to be with as well.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I think there's a season for that.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I think when we get into relationship, we just need to be conscious of why am I getting this relationship?
1
SPEAKER_01
 You know, am I dependent on this to make me happy?
1
SPEAKER_01
If so, I just think that's gonna be a recipe for failure.
1
SPEAKER_01
But being conscious about entering a relationship and conscious about growing a relationship.
1
SPEAKER_00
There's so much you learn when you're single and there's so much you learn when you're in a relationship.
1
SPEAKER_00
And that's actually the question.
1
SPEAKER_00
How do I want to learn right now?
1
SPEAKER_00
Like, how do I want to learn right now?
1
SPEAKER_00
Do I want to learn by meeting lots of people and learning in that way and dealing with what comes with that?
1
SPEAKER_00
Or do I want to learn in this way?
1
SPEAKER_00
 Everything in life is simply a learning experience.
1
SPEAKER_01
And at this season of my life, one of the biggest values for me is peace, inner peace, right?
1
SPEAKER_01
And you can't have peace if you're... And I, for years, I would interview, on camera and off camera, older men who were successful in business or in their careers or who had kind of reached the top of their industry, and I would ask them questions like,
1
SPEAKER_01
 about being single or about having you know being married about being with one person or do they have open relationships just curious and there was not one man who was like 50 60 70 years old who was peaceful and fulfilled
1
SPEAKER_01
 with multiple women at the same time, or kind of trying to manage that energy.
1
SPEAKER_01
The ones that had peace, which again is a value of mine, is having peace, because I feel like peace helps us create mental clarity, which I think is important for you as well, which helps us have more energy towards our mission.
1
SPEAKER_01
 I haven't met one 60 70 year old man who was like I had five girlfriends the whole time and I was peaceful And so I just think I'm again.
1
SPEAKER_01
What's your value?
1
SPEAKER_01
What do you want if you want adventure and fun and
1
SPEAKER_01
 You can't have all that and peace.
1
SPEAKER_01
There's gonna be some letting go, so.
1
SPEAKER_00
I really like, and this has been my biggest takeaway from today, is that you brought it back to values.
1
SPEAKER_00
If your value is experimentation and freedom from commitment, then that's a beautiful life.
1
SPEAKER_00
And again, I'm not saying you should do either or.
1
SPEAKER_00
It's all based on your values.
1
SPEAKER_00
And you just said your value is peace.
1
SPEAKER_00
My value is purpose.
1
SPEAKER_00
I wanna be committed to my purpose.
1
SPEAKER_00
 And I had a really open and honest conversation with a friend recently.
1
SPEAKER_00
He asked me a question.
1
SPEAKER_00
He said, Jay, like, you know, how do you deal with temptation and desire, you know, everything else.
1
SPEAKER_00
And we had a really honest, vulnerable conversation man to man.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I said to him that, for me, one of my biggest values in life
1
SPEAKER_00
 is history and loyalty.
1
SPEAKER_00
I like long-term friendships because then you can look back and look at how far you've come.
1
SPEAKER_00
That's cool.
1
SPEAKER_01
And you can't do that from short-term desire.
1
SPEAKER_00
You can't do that.
1
SPEAKER_00
I like loyalty.
1
SPEAKER_00
I love the idea of you've been loyal to a friend, a person, a partner, and you can look back at what you've been through.
1
SPEAKER_00
That's cool.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so when I look at my life, I love that me and you have memories from being in New York together, being in LA together, doing a project together,
1
SPEAKER_00
 And in my romantic relationship, it's the same thing.
1
SPEAKER_00
It's like, I've been with this woman when I had nothing, when I was broke.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I value that, right?
1
SPEAKER_00
And someone may say, Jay, that's a little soft.
1
SPEAKER_00
Like, I don't value that at all.
1
SPEAKER_00
And that's cool.
1
SPEAKER_00
Like, I respect that.
1
SPEAKER_00
You may say you don't value history, you value
1
SPEAKER_00
 a one-night stand, and that's great.
1
SPEAKER_00
There's nothing wrong with that, but I think you've gotta know what you value, and I love that you value peace, and I love that you equate a committed relationship to peace, and that's beautiful.
1
SPEAKER_01
And some people might say, well, every relationship I've been in is stressful, so I'm gonna value being single and having surface conversations or surface interactions of intimacy that aren't scary to go deeper, where there could be heartbreak or pain or frustration or whatever it is.
1
SPEAKER_01
 And that's your season.
1
SPEAKER_01
That's what you value.
1
SPEAKER_01
But I definitely value intimacy, connection.
1
SPEAKER_01
There's nothing worse than accomplishing your greatest goals and then being in a hotel room by yourself and being like,
1
SPEAKER_01
 You know, who am I gonna call to celebrate this with?
1
SPEAKER_01
There's no one like with you in the journey and you with them.
1
SPEAKER_00
Exactly.
1
SPEAKER_01
It's really cool to be there for each other and something I value with, you know, Martha being inspired by what she's creating and she's inspired what I'm creating.
1
SPEAKER_01
The mutual respect and inspiration and I know you and Roddy are the same way.
1
SPEAKER_01
 Powerful conversation.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, this is great.
1
SPEAKER_01
Awkward therapy part two.
1
SPEAKER_01
If you guys enjoyed this, leave a yes in the comments below.
1
SPEAKER_01
Make sure you subscribe to Jay Shetty's podcast on Apple, Spotify, on YouTube, subscribe on YouTube, all of our social media, and let us know which part of this you enjoyed the most, and leave a comment of what you'd like us to talk about on the next episode of this awkward therapy conversation.
1
SPEAKER_01
 Also, the call to action is to find someone to have the same conversation with.
1
SPEAKER_01
Ask them this question.
1
SPEAKER_01
Can you be with one person for the rest of your life?
1
SPEAKER_01
Send them this audio or this video and have them watch or listen to this and then have the discussion with them shortly after.
1
SPEAKER_01
And let us know your thoughts.
1
SPEAKER_01
We'd love to hear your thoughts on this.
1
SPEAKER_00
Thank you so much for watching, everyone.
1
SPEAKER_00
I want to make sure that you think about what is your value right now in relationships.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Think about it, whether you're single, whether you're in a relationship, whether you've been married, whether you've just broken up, what is the current value in your life that you're looking for?
1
SPEAKER_00
And what does that require?
1
SPEAKER_00
Does that require you to be single?
1
SPEAKER_00
Does that require you to be in a relationship?
1
SPEAKER_00
And what type of relationship?
1
SPEAKER_00
Leave your value in the comments below.
1
SPEAKER_00
Let us know what your values are.
1
SPEAKER_00
Let us know topics that you want us to dive into deeper.
1
SPEAKER_00
Maybe there was something that we didn't
1
SPEAKER_00
 quite get into and you're like, please, please, please talk a bit more about that.
1
SPEAKER_00
We will do that.
1
SPEAKER_00
I want to make sure that you follow the School of Greatness and Lewis Howes across social media, YouTube, Apple podcast, Spotify podcast.
1
SPEAKER_00
Make sure you subscribe to know that you don't miss out on one of these episodes that we're doing together.
1
SPEAKER_00
We're so grateful to have you.
1
SPEAKER_00
Make sure that you go and find someone to share this conversation with and have your awkward conversation of your own.
1
SPEAKER_00
Like we want you to get awkward.
1
SPEAKER_00
So thank you for listening and watching us today and we'll see you on the next one.
1
SPEAKER_01
 Thank you so much for listening.
1
SPEAKER_01
I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness.
1
SPEAKER_01
Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's show with all the important links.
1
SPEAKER_01
And also make sure to share this with a friend and subscribe over on Apple Podcasts as well.
1
SPEAKER_01
I really love hearing feedback from you guys, so share a review over on Apple and let me know what part of this episode resonated with you the most.
1
SPEAKER_01
And if no one's told you lately, I want to remind you that you are loved,
2
SPEAKER_00
 You are worthy and you matter.
2
SPEAKER_00
And now it's time to go out there and do something great.