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Bring a little optimism into your life with The Bright Side, a new kind of daily podcast from Hello Sunshine, hosted by me, Danielle Robay.
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And me, Simone Boyce.
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Every weekday, we re bringing you conversations about culture, the latest trends, inspiration, and so much more.
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I am so excited about this podcast, The Bright Side.
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You guys are giving people a chance to shine a light on their lives, shine a light on a little advice that they want to share.
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Listen to The Bright Side on America s number one podcast network, iHeart.
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Open your free iHeart app and search The Bright Side.
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Hey, everyone, this is Molly and Matt, and we re the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
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It s a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
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like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
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Let s learn about all of it and then some.
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Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on America s number one podcast network, iHeart.
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Open your free iHeart app and search Grown Up Stuff.
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Guess what, Will?
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What s up, Mango?
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I ve been trying to write a promo for our podcast, Part-Time Genius, but even though we ve done over 250 episodes, we don t really talk about murders or cults.
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I mean, we did just cover the Illuminati of cheese, so I feel like that makes us pretty edgy.
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We also solve mysteries like how Chinese is your Chinese food and how do dollar stores make money?
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And then, of course, can you game a dog show?
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So what you re saying is everyone should be listening.
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Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
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I m into philosophy, they should love deep intellectual conversations too.
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I like reading, they should love reading too.
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And I m like, you re not trying to be with yourself.
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That s not the goal of a relationship.
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If you find that and it works, that s awesome.
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But you have to realize that those are not the qualities that make this a healthy relationship.
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Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world.
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And thanks to you all, it has been an incredible couple of weeks.
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Our guests have been incredible.
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You ve been listening to these solo episodes on a Friday.
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I know so many of you are listening to an episode every day, and I genuinely hope that that is massively improving your mental, physical, emotional health.
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Remember, if you re listening to On Purpose, it s because you re happy, healthy, and healing.
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We re here because we re happy, healthy, and healing.
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I am happy, healthy, and healing at all times.
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And I want to thank you so much for all the love and energy you brought to the Kendall Jenner episode that just came out on Monday.
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If you haven t heard it, I highly recommend you go back and listen to it.
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It s a really great episode to get a unique perspective, a different angle.
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I want to thank you, genuinely appreciate you for giving me that opportunity, for being patient, for listening.
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And I m so glad you turned up today because I really believe that this episode, what I m about to share with you, is going to really transform
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how you think about relationships.
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And as you know, I have my new book coming out next year, Eight Rules of Love, eightrulesoflove.com.
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You can pre-order the book.
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But some of these ideas are ideas that I ve thought about for the past couple of years.
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I ve been working on them with my coaching clients who are having relationship difficulties or marriage difficulties or have gone through a divorce or breakup.
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and I wanted to share these with you here because otherwise I don t really get to tell you about all of them.
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So thank you so much for turning up, thank you for being here, thank you for all the reviews that you ve been leaving.
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It s been unbelievable to see the support that you ve been giving the show and I genuinely couldn t be more thankful to each and every one of you.
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I would love for you to leave a review as well and it would mean the world to me.
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So I m going to dive in and today s theme is all about six ways to know if you re compatible with someone and four steps to build real connection.
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Now, people have talked about this for a long time, that a lot of the time we look for chemistry, but we forget to look for compatibility.
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And I think when we think about a healthy relationship, we think about compatibility as an idea, but often we confuse it with chemistry.
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I ll give an example.
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I was speaking to someone recently who s a landscape designer and he was explaining to me that some people want to plant trees in certain countries or cities or towns where it s not favorable for those trees to grow.
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So while there s chemistry, i.e.
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an attraction
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for that person to that tree or that plant or that flower that plant or that tree or that flower would not flourish in that area it would actually struggle which is a compatibility issue
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Now when I heard that, I just thought of relationships.
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I was thinking, how often is it that you meet someone that you have so much chemistry with, but very little compatibility with?
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There s an attraction, there s a spark, there s a genuine interest, but your habits don t align, your values don t align, you don t have that respect, you don t have the skills and the tools to deal with each other s differences.
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And then at the same time, you mean the opposite.
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There s no chemistry, but there s lots of compatibility.
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And that doesn t work either.
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I want us to recognize the importance of compatibility.
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I think we understand chemistry to be the spark, the attraction.
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But one of the things I find is that chemistry is like lighting a matchstick.
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You light a matchstick, and then the matchstick burns, and then it runs out.
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But it was giving light and giving heat for as long as it lasted.
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But compatibility is like lighting a candle.
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When you light it, it burns slower, it gives off a beautiful fragrance and scent, it lasts far longer, and it s a beautiful experience.
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The match has that spark, it has that instant feeling, but it doesn t last as long.
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Now I want to talk about what compatibility is, but I also want to talk about what compatibility isn t.
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Because I think we throw these words around a lot and I think these words are rarely really broken down and made easy to understand.
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So compatibility does not mean the same personality.
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Let me say that again.
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Compatibility does not mean the same personality.
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I think we think of people who are compatible as like, we like the same things, we like the same food, we like the same movies, we like to do the same things.
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I find that this is a very narrow, limited view of what compatibility is.
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The challenge is that you could love the same movies as someone, the same food as someone, the same music as someone,
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But you may not have the same relationship abilities or skills or tools to help things move along.
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I ll give you an example.
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I remember dating someone, one of my exes, who we had this.
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We had a lot in common, right?
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We had a lot in common.
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We liked doing the same things with our time.
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We really enjoyed each other s company, right?
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Personality-wise, it was a really great fit.
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But what I realized is that we had massively different expectations and input in a relationship.
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For example, every time I asked for a favor where she may have to go out of her way, she didn t feel like she wanted to do that, ever.
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And every time she asked me for a favor, she expected me to be fully available.
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Now, even though we like the same movies and we like the same music and we like the same food, that didn t change the fact that our culture and value was different.
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I m not saying that she should have been bending over backwards or working things out.
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What I m saying is that that is far more of an inherent factor
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that negatively impacts a positive relationship and a healthy relationship as opposed to the fact that we like the same things and so I think often people are dating someone they re like well we re so different well you ve heard that before we re so different
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Like, how is this going to work?
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And what I ve realized is that the difference isn t what leads to distance.
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And I ll talk about that in a second.
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But I just wanted to clarify, compatibility does not mean the same personality or having the same interests.
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A lot of people want their partner to have the exact interest they do.
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They re like, well, I m an entrepreneur.
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They should love business too.
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I m into philosophy, they should love deep intellectual conversations too.
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I like reading, they should love reading too.
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I have over 9 years of experience in the American public school education system, including teaching throughout the pandemic.
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Over the past 2 years, I have seen extreme cases of anxiety in my students like never before.
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Many of these children have never experienced these feelings before and most are not even sure of what they are feeling.
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My school district has spent a great deal of time focusing on social-emotional learning, SEL, through this school year.
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We try to teach coping skills and focus on teaching kids how to deal with their feelings and become the best version of themselves.
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As someone who has also been experiencing the many anxieties of the world today, I have recently downloaded the Calm app, thanks to my mum.
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My mum and I are big fans of yours and once she heard that you will have 7 minutes of Daily J each day, she encouraged me in doing this.
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Your meaningful ideas and meditation have quickly become part of my daily routine, so much that I have begun incorporating some of them into my SEL morning meetings with my 3rd graders.
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If you ve ever wanted to meditate with me, join me on the Calm app for the Daily J, a daily guided meditation where I ll help you find calm in the chaos, plant beautiful intentions for a happy, abundant life, and simple steps for positive actions to get you closer to the life of your dreams.
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Meditate with me by going to calm.com forward slash J to get 40% off a calm premium membership.
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That s only $42 for the whole year for a daily guided meditation.
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Experience the daily J only on calm.
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When you find that bright spot to help you get through your day, it s powerful.
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That s where The Bright Side comes in.
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A new daily podcast from Hello Sunshine that s bringing you a daily dose of joy.
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I m Danielle Robay.
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And I m Simone Boyce.
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Listen, both Danielle and I are reporters.
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We ve covered the news and we know the world can feel heavy, but The Bright Side podcast is a space to have a little fun, to learn something new and get into some friendly debates.
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That s right.
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Join us five days a week to see how life can look from the bright side.
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We ll hear from celebrities, authors, experts and listeners like you, whether it s relationships, friend advice or figuring out how to navigate life s transitions.
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We ll talk through it all together.
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Listen to the bright side from Hello Sunshine every weekday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
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A new season of Bridgerton is here.
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And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
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I m your host, Gabrielle Collins.
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And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the ton.
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Colin Bridgerton has returned from his travels abroad.
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Is Betrothal written in the stars for the eligible bachelor?
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Meanwhile, the ton is reverberating with speculation of who holds Lady Whistledown s pen.
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We re discussing it all.
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I sit down with Nicola Coughlin, Luke Newton, Shonda Rhimes, and more to offer an exclusive peek behind the scenes of each episode of the new season.
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Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
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Then, fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.
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When the Taliban banned music in Afghanistan, millions were plunged into silence.
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Radios were smashed.
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Cassettes burned.
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You could be beaten or jailed or killed for breaking the rules.
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And yet, Afghans did it anyway.
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This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol.
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The danger they endured.
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They said my head should be cut off.
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The joy they brought to the nation.
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You re free completely.
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No one is there to destroy you.
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I m John Legend.
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Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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The second thing you need to look at after being recognized in their differences, you need an awareness of their stance.
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Why are they that way?
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Where did that come from?
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Where is their ideology?
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Often we just assume that that s their weakness or that s their strength.
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We don t realize where that came from for them, right?
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Where did that come from for them?
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How did they create that?
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How did they do that?
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For me, becoming aware of someone s stance and how they are that way is a really special aspect of learning and creating compatibility.
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Compatibility means I know why I am the way I am, and I know why my partner is the way they are.
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For example, when I look at my life,
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I started working when I was 14 years old.
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I ve always worked.
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I ve pretty much been independent for my adult life, but even since 14, I paid for my own phone bill, my degree.
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I took a student loan as well, but I paid my way through life from 14 for my car, my car insurance.
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These were very normal parts of my life.
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Now I know other people who didn t start working until they graduated from college at 21.
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I know people who started working before me because they dropped out of school.
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So what I m saying is that learning that, so now when I look at my life today and I love working, I love my purpose, I love creating, I love doing all of this, it comes from that conditioning and I m happy with that conditioning.
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So if today Radhi saw me and said, why are you so committed to work?
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Why are you so committed to your purpose?
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Why are you so dedicated to that?
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It would create a challenge because she s not understanding where it comes from for me.
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I also, she knows this and this is why Radhi supports me so much and I m so grateful for it, is she knows that the work I m doing comes from such a deep place of gratitude.
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I ve been saying this frequently when I get stopped or I bump into some of you or I meet someone in the streets or at an event or whatever it may be and people always say like, you know, does it get, you know, frustrating sometimes that you re stopping?
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And I say, well, I remember doing this when no one turned up.
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I remember doing this when five people showed up.
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So now that I live in a world where I m so grateful to have millions and billions of you that are connected with my work, I don t take that for granted.
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Now because Radhi understands the ideology and I understand that myself so I can express it to her, when she s aware of that, it makes us more compatible because she understands why I make the choices I m making.
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Compatibility requires that you have an awareness of why someone makes the choices they re making.
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And so often we have no idea why our partner does what they do.
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Or we have no idea why someone new does what they do because we ve never asked them.
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And maybe they ve not thought about it, but I promise you, if you ask them, they will think about it.
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And if they don t think about it, then you ll say, well, if someone doesn t think about my questions, are we compatible?
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Right?
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The third step, so RA, recognize differences, awareness of their stance or awareness of their why.
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The third is respect their approach.
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Compatibility means you can respect their approach.
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Now, I m not forcing you to respect their approach.
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I ll give an example.
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If I met someone whose, if I recognize the differences, so let s say their difference was they were rude or dismissive of family.
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The reason they were that way is because their family treated them badly.
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Could I respect that approach to be in a deep relationship with this person?
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No, unless that person was aware of it and trying to change.
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So I m not forcing you to respect someone s approach, but I m saying that that s what compatibility is.
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Compatibility isn t how can I redesign and redefine this person, it s about how can I respect them
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How can I respect that they have chosen to be that way, they re happy to be that way, they re good being that way, and they don t need to become someone else in order for me to love them?
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And chemistry often leads us to not only believe someone can be whatever we want them to be, but chemistry also makes us believe that they should become in order to be worthy of our love.
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And the E in RARE is express your feelings without feeling judged.
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Compatibility is a space where you can express your feelings without feeling judged.
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Now this takes time.
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This takes time to build.
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It is not easy to build.
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It s not quick to build.
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It s something that we have to educate and what I find is we often walk into relationships and we expect people to have these skills.
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Recognizing differences is a skill.
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Being aware of someone s why takes time and is a skill.
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Respecting someone s approach is time and skill.
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Expressing your feelings without feeling judged is time and skill.
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So for example, when I first met Radhi, definitely we both judged each other.
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We fully judged each other when we expressed ourselves.
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We didn t respect each other s approach.
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And slowly through time, I was guiding the relationship and saying, look, this is our viewpoint.
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Can you respect mine if I respect yours?
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That was the language.
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The language wasn t a demand.
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The language was a direction.
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Often we demand and say, love me, like me, respect me, value me.
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Whereas a healthy relationship is when we can say, do we want to walk in this direction together?
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Are you able to recognize my differences?
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Are you able to be aware of how I think and why I think that way?
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Are you able to respect that?
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And are you able to let me express myself without feeling judged?
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Can we do this daily?
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Can we get better at it?
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Can we move in that direction together?
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That s the question you want to ask in a relationship.
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We often ask, do you want to be with me?
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It s a decision question.
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The real question is, are we willing to do the work to be together?
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It s a direction question.
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Move away from a decision question to a direction question.
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We get so lost in that rhetoric of are we right for each other?
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The question is do we want to make it right for each other?
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Do we want to be right for each other?
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It s not like there s two pieces that just fit.
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It s about finding two pieces that are made to fit.
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It s not that there s a piece out there that s the perfect puzzle piece that just slots in with you.
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That s that chemistry thinking.
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That s that chemistry thinking, that there s a piece out there that just fits with you.
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And compatibility thinking is going, well, I m going to actually find two pieces, and there s going to be a bit of molding, there s going to be a bit of shifting, there s going to be a bit of understanding, but finally it s going to fit.
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right and it may not even fit perfectly and that s okay i think that s the other part where it s like it s going to be a perfect fit there is no perfect fit so rare remember that recognize differences awareness of their why respect their approach and learn to express your feelings without being judged
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Now I want to share the six areas of compatibility and some of the challenges that come up with this.
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And this is from the Vedic understanding of what is known as the six opulences.
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These are considered the six things that we all pursue in life or the six things that people take very seriously.
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And each of these creates a challenge or a depth of complexity.
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So these six, let s go through them one by one.
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The first one is wealth.
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financial compatibility, wealth compatibility.
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To have wealth compatibility, it does not mean you have the same views about money.
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or the same views about finances.
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And I ll give you an example.
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Me and Radhi grew up in different homes.
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We grew up with different backgrounds.
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We grew up with different socio-economic backgrounds.
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And in my home, there were certain things that were prioritized when money was always spent.
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Money was always spent abundantly on food.
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Same with Radhi.
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My parents always believed, never sacrifice your health.
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Same with Radhi.
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Now, as I ve grown older, some of my values have changed, where I think there are other areas of health that that includes.
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Now, my wife doesn t have to agree with that.
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She doesn t have to be aligned with that.
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But she has to be okay with me wanting to invest in that.
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There has to be a sense of support and understanding of other people.
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So, when you re thinking about financial compatibility, the question isn t do we agree on how we spend our money, it s do we understand why each of us
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thinks about money in this way and what is the solution we want to create together for our relationship.
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We have to realize that we are now creating together.
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The next one is beauty.
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There needs to be a healthy attraction to the person you re with, of course.
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Attraction is a part of compatibility, physical compatibility.
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But there has to also be a healthy attraction to oneself.
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Otherwise, you feel your partner s out of your league, and that creates incompatibility.
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So physical incompatibility isn t that someone s better looking than the other person or someone gets more attention.
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It s if you re together, how do you feel
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about yourself.
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If you feel insecure about yourself, you will create incompatibility in that relationship.
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I know someone who she feels that the guy she s with is so out of her league that she s always saying that to him
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which, what do you think that does?
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It makes them physically incompatible because he s constantly reminded of that.
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He keeps having to remind her that he s not and that he is attracted to and that she s beautiful and all the rest of it, but that it doesn t end up working because the insecurity creates incompatibility.
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The third area of compatibility is power.
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Now, power dynamics in a relationship are interesting, and knowing what your partner is good at and letting them lead is how you disseminate power in a relationship.
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So do we have a power compatibility?
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Often what happens in power compatibility is the loudest, most extroverted, strongest partner takes over and dominates a relationship.
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A healthy power dynamic in a relationship is knowing
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Which partner is good at what and letting them lead on those areas.
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Now I ve got three more areas of compatibility I want to discuss with you.
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Fame, compatibility in public perception.
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This is so much more interesting today in the world of social media because our relationship compatibility is constantly being questioned and looked at by our friends, our family and other people.
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A relationship becomes more compatible when in public we give each other the spotlight and in private we genuinely appreciate but give each other growth feedback.
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So what often happens in relationships is people will criticize or joke or potentially even be condescending about their partner in public.
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But in private they ll be like, but I always tell you how much I like you, but that makes someone feel uncomfortable.
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Now I m not also saying putting your partner on stage and making them give a speech because they may not be comfortable with that, but understanding whether you re compatible by how you behave.
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How does your partner want to be appreciated?
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How does your partner want to be acknowledged?
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That is a really important part of compatibility.
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Now this one s an interesting one.
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Renunciation is considered an opulence.
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People who are detached monks have high renunciation.
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And this renunciation compatibility in a relationship is letting your partner grow at their own pace, not forcing them to grow.
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That s compatibility.
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Compatibility is encouragement, support, guidance, love, affection, but not force.
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That s what creates compatibility.
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And finally, knowledge compatibility.
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We re compatible with someone if we re trying to learn new things with each other.
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So we re compatible financially if we simply learn to understand and create a new plan together, not forcing our own plan on the other person.
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We re compatible physically if we re not insecure about our own self and we focus on that to create a healthy relationship with someone.
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We will be compatible in power and influence if we learn our strengths and weaknesses and let our partner lead sometimes and we lead sometimes.
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We ll be compatible in fame and external places and people when we learn how our partner wants to receive.
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appreciation.
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We ll be compatible in renunciation when we re detached from our partner s path.
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We realize their path is different to ours and we re compatible in knowledge and mind when we think about learning new things together or learning separately and sharing our learnings.
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I really hope this shifts and transforms the way you think about compatibility.
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And I am so grateful that I have to focus on creating these new episodes for you every week, because this is one of those ones that s really made a big shift in my mind.
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I hope that you take away some of this, try and put it into practice.
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And I couldn t be more thankful for your ears, your time, your presence.
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And I promise you, On Purpose is just getting better and better.
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We re only just getting started.
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There are so many wonderful, wonderful things happening in our space.
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And I m so, so pumped.
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Thank you so much for listening today.
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Thank you for all the birthday wishes.
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I m so, so grateful.
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And I can t wait to see you when I come on tour next year.
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I cannot wait.
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And if you haven t already ordered 8 Rules for Love, please pre-order the book because it s going to be a game changer.
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Thank you so much.
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I ll see you soon.
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This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol.
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The joy they brought to the nation.
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You re free completely.
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No one is there to destroy you.
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The danger they endured.
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They said my head should be cut off.
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I m John Legend.
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Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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A new season of Bridgerton is here.
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And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
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I m your host, Gabby Collins.
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And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the ton.
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Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
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Then fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.