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 Bring a little optimism into your life with The Bright Side, a new kind of daily podcast from Hello Sunshine, hosted by me, Danielle Robay.
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And me, Simone Boyce.
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Every weekday, we're bringing you conversations about culture, the latest trends, inspiration, and so much more.
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I am so excited about this podcast, The Bright Side.
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You guys are giving people a chance to shine a light on their lives, shine a light on a little advice that they want to share.
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 Listen to The Bright Side on America's number one podcast network, iHeart.
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Open your free iHeart app and search The Bright Side.
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 Guess what, Will?
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What's up, Mango?
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I've been trying to write a promo for our podcast, Part-Time Genius, but even though we've done over 250 episodes, we don't really talk about murders or cults.
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SPEAKER_07
I mean, we did just cover the Illuminati of cheese, so I feel like that makes us pretty edgy.
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We also solve mysteries like how Chinese is your Chinese food and how do dollar stores make money?
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And then, of course, can you game a dog show?
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So what you're saying is everyone should be listening.
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Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_05
 Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt, and we're the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
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It's a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
0
SPEAKER_05
Like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
0
SPEAKER_08
Let's learn about all of it and then some.
0
SPEAKER_08
Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on America's number one podcast network, iHeart.
0
SPEAKER_08
Open your free iHeart app and search Grown Up Stuff.
0
SPEAKER_01
 How can we share honestly with love?
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Ask yourself that always.
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When you're gonna share something, how can you share it with love?
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I've been thinking about this a lot lately also, is that love is what changes someone's life and heart.
0
SPEAKER_01
There's a beautiful quote by Russell Barkley where he said that, the people who need the most love often ask for it in the most unloving way.
0
SPEAKER_01
 Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world and I just want to start off by saying welcome to all of our listeners who've always been with us and welcome to all of our new listeners.
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I am blown away by just how many incredible new listeners we've had in the last
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 7 to 10 days.
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And I want to thank you all for joining me on this journey.
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I really hope that On Purpose is serving you.
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I really hope and believe that On Purpose is trying to help you get to the next level in your life.
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And I am just so grateful that you're taking the time to be present here with me
0
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 every single week.
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We have new episodes on Monday and Friday.
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We have hundreds of episodes in our library with some phenomenal guests and themes and topics that I truly believe will be powerful even this year.
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And of course, you're here right now.
0
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 Thank you for tuning in.
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Thank you for being here.
0
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Thank you for leaving reviews.
0
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They mean so much to podcasters.
0
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And when I read your reviews, I feel so humbled.
0
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I feel so grateful and I feel so touched.
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And it truly, truly is phenomenal to see the love that you all have for this show.
0
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 So today I want to dive straight in because we all know when we think about the question, what defines the quality of our life?
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The number one answer is relationships.
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 The studies say it, the science says it, the spiritual texts say it.
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Relationships are what creates quality, meaning in our life.
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And when you ask yourself the question, well what makes a good relationship?
0
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The answer is, people say love, people say trust.
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 and truly it's communication.
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Communication is the heartbeat of a relationship and relationships are the heartbeat of our lives.
0
SPEAKER_01
What makes a good life?
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Good relationships.
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What makes good relationships?
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Good communication.
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So today's episode is dedicated to the communication mistakes and mishaps in our life
0
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 and how to improve them.
0
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Now I'm going to get really specific, really dialed in.
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We're going to look at some fascinating research as well in this space.
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And I want to make sure that you take an opportunity to journal, make notes, take screenshots, whatever it is that works for you.
0
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So let's dive straight in.
0
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 When we think about mistakes we make in our communication, in our relationships, maybe some of the mistakes you make, you don't even know you're making.
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And I'm going to be sharing a lot of mistakes today that you may not even be aware are mistakes.
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And we're really not aware of the consequences or the damaging effects of that kind of language and communication.
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 Now, there are other mistakes we make where I know you're already thinking, Jay, how do you know?
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Why do you know?
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I know exactly what I'm doing wrong.
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I'm already aware, but I'm struggling to make the shift.
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I'm struggling to actually figure this out.
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And we're going to dive into both of those today.
0
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So here's the first mistake we make.
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 When our partner is sharing their pain, we choose to complain.
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Don't complain when they're sharing their pain.
0
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Their moment of vulnerability should be received with empathy, not with your complaint.
0
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If your partner is complaining about their pain and what they're experiencing, that is not your opportunity and your moment to share what you're struggling with.
0
SPEAKER_01
 Let's say your partner comes home from work and you come home from work at the same time and they say to you, I had a really tough day today.
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That is not the time to say, I had a really tough day too.
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That is not the time to say, I've had a tough week.
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That is not the time to say, tell me about it.
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I feel the same every week.
0
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That is not the time to say, yeah, I need to tell you about this.
0
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That's the time to say, tell me more.
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What's going on?
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How are you feeling?
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 Do you want to talk about it?
0
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Those simple switches create space.
0
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We think that our pain connected to their pain creates space.
0
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Actually, when we meet their pain with our pain, we remove space.
0
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We remove the sanctity and the sacredness of what's about to happen in this vulnerable, intimate, connected moment with someone we love.
0
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When we're able to accept,
0
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 that they want to share their pain, let's meet this with compassion, with empathy, with openness, let's ask them about it, you actually develop your relationship.
0
SPEAKER_01
 Now, why do we do this?
0
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Why do we choose to complain when someone else shares their pain?
0
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The first thing is, we've been suppressing it.
0
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We've been keeping it locked inside because we didn't want to bother someone.
0
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We wanted to be a people pleaser.
0
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We didn't want to weigh someone down.
0
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So we've been holding it all in.
0
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And now as soon as someone's opened up, we open up too.
0
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 So we're opening up, not because someone hasn't allowed us to open up, but because we haven't allowed ourselves to open up.
0
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So the moment you spot that psychologically someone else has given themselves permission to be vulnerable and open, you finally give yourself permission.
0
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The only issue is you're giving yourself permission at a time when their pain needs to be a priority.
0
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 So that's one of the reasons why we do it.
0
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Another reason why we do it is because we want to be seen.
0
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We want to be heard.
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We want to feel like we can get some empathy and sympathy, too.
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We want to feel like we can get some love and understanding, too.
0
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We feel, well, if they want some love and understanding right now, I need some, too.
0
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I'm struggling.
0
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I'm carrying all this weight.
0
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I'm dealing with all this going on right now, and they don't even know.
0
SPEAKER_01
 But again, our sharing in that moment doesn't get the response we want.
0
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Because what the other person now feels is, they don't really want to listen to me.
0
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Or if they're really loving and caring, they then shift it on to us and we forget about them.
0
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Take a moment to say, tell me more.
0
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Do you want to talk about it?
0
SPEAKER_01
How's it going?
0
SPEAKER_01
What's up?
0
SPEAKER_01
Walk through it.
0
SPEAKER_01
 And then ask them, hey, I actually wanted to tell you about my day too.
0
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When's the best time?
0
SPEAKER_01
When you've just helped someone through something, it's an instinctual response to say, all right, well, let's talk about me now, or let's focus on me now.
0
SPEAKER_01
And that kind of ping pong pain reflection doesn't really solve the problem because that person is still processing and digesting what you've just shared and what you've learned together.
0
SPEAKER_01
 and now asking them to focus on you distracts them from their pain.
0
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Don't complain when they're sharing their pain.
0
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It's a big mistake we make in our relationships and something we can easily solve.
0
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We just have to resist the urge of being validated in that moment and in that time, knowing that we'll actually be better validated if we postpone the sharing of how we feel.
0
SPEAKER_01
 Mistake number two, a lot of people are scared to say they need distance or space from their partner.
0
SPEAKER_01
Raise your hands right now if you enjoy alone time or your own friend time away from your partner.
0
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I am guessing that nearly every person who's listening right now is raising their hands, even if you're walking your dog or you're editing or you're cooking food, as long as you're not driving.
0
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Please do not do this if you're driving.
0
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 Everyone else raise your hand, and all of us have raised our hands.
0
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We all enjoy alone time.
0
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We all enjoy our time in solitude.
0
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But here's what we do wrong.
0
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We say to our partner, oh, I just need space this weekend.
0
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Oh, you know what?
0
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I just need some time out.
0
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When we say that, most people hear that and they take it personally.
0
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They think you want space from them.
0
SPEAKER_01
 They think you want distance from them.
0
SPEAKER_01
And really what you're saying is, I want space for myself.
0
SPEAKER_01
Right?
0
SPEAKER_01
Like when I say I want space, I'm not saying I want space from anyone else.
0
SPEAKER_01
That may be part of it.
0
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But what I'm really saying is I want space for myself to do some reading, to do some journaling, to dive into some meditation, to do some work, whatever it may be.
0
SPEAKER_01
 Communicate why you need space and what you are using it for.
0
SPEAKER_01
If you simply say what you want, but not why you want it or how you're going to use it, that what can be massively misinterpreted.
0
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So many people in relationships are struggling because they tell their partner what they want, but not why they want it or how they're going to use it.
0
SPEAKER_01
If you say to your partner, I just want time, now you may be saying, well, Jay, your partner should just understand.
0
SPEAKER_01
 Sure, great if they do, but the majority of us love an explanation.
0
SPEAKER_01
The majority of us would love some clarity.
0
SPEAKER_01
And actually, if we don't provide clarity, we let the other person populate the open space.
0
SPEAKER_01
And when someone populates with their imagination,
0
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 and their fatigue.
0
SPEAKER_01
Imagination fatigue are a terrible recipe.
0
SPEAKER_01
Those are bad ingredients when they go together.
0
SPEAKER_01
If you're tired and exhausted and you let your imagination loose, chances are you're going to come to a pretty scary realization or a pretty scary takeaway.
0
SPEAKER_01
 And that's why a lot of people, when they're tired, and their imagination runs wild, and they hear the words, I need space, they go, oh, they're bored of me.
0
SPEAKER_01
Oh, they don't want to be around me.
0
SPEAKER_01
Oh, maybe I'm not interesting enough.
0
SPEAKER_01
And self-doubt is such a big thing that we all deal with that we can't just expect our partners to be fully secure, confident human beings.
0
SPEAKER_01
If you expect your partner to be a fully evolved, mature, emotionally intelligent, confident human being,
0
SPEAKER_01
 We're kidding ourselves, because the truth is we're not that either.
0
SPEAKER_01
So don't expect that completion and perfection from your partner and fill in the gaps for them.
0
SPEAKER_01
Help answer some of those questions.
0
SPEAKER_01
Help color it in a little bit.
0
SPEAKER_01
By providing a little bit of clarity, what do you lose?
0
SPEAKER_01
Sure, it affects your ego.
0
SPEAKER_01
Sure, it affects your desire that we should just understand each other.
0
SPEAKER_01
We should be able to read each other's minds, but
0
SPEAKER_01
 Why do we want to do that?
0
SPEAKER_01
Why not help them out?
0
SPEAKER_01
Why not give really clear direction as to what we're going to do?
0
SPEAKER_01
Now, with this point, I also want to make the principle clear that it is healthy to spend time apart.
0
SPEAKER_01
Studies show that healthy relationships follow the 70-30 rule.
0
SPEAKER_01
 So the most harmonious relationships spend about 70% of their time together and 30% of their time apart.
0
SPEAKER_01
Now, this has been really difficult during the pandemic because we've all been around each other more than ever.
0
SPEAKER_01
But as things begin to open up, it's really healthy to think, well, how can we spend 70% of our time?
0
SPEAKER_01
Now, this doesn't just apply to work.
0
SPEAKER_01
I believe it applies to our evenings and our weekends as well.
0
SPEAKER_01
And making sure that your partner gets away for a weekend with their friends or on their own and making sure you get away
0
SPEAKER_01
 on your own or with your friends is a really healthy commitment to make.
0
SPEAKER_01
Once a year, make sure your partner has time to go away with their friends and make sure you have time to go away with your friends.
0
SPEAKER_01
Now, you may say, well, Jay, where does the time come for that?
0
SPEAKER_01
Even if it's just three days, even if it's just a weekend, even if it's just a day, it's so healthy to take that time apart for each other, for yourself,
0
SPEAKER_01
 for your children, for every single person involved in this relationship.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I think we're so scared that spending time apart actually will pull us apart, but spending time apart can actually pull you closer together and brings you back to this really beautiful connection.
0
SPEAKER_01
 Now, the next mistake we make in our relationships is we use what I call unsafe or unhealthy language.
0
SPEAKER_01
Language that pertains to things ending, language that pertains to things being over, language that borderlines threatening.
0
SPEAKER_01
Any language
0
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 that puts the relationship into question, or puts your connection into question, or makes broad, overarching statements that are not factually correct, can be really damaging in a relationship.
0
SPEAKER_01
Things like, well, I guess it's over then.
0
SPEAKER_01
Well, I guess you're over me.
0
SPEAKER_01
Well, it seems like you don't care at all anymore.
0
SPEAKER_01
 That's not really true, is it?
0
SPEAKER_01
That's not really true.
0
SPEAKER_01
Does someone not care anymore at all?
0
SPEAKER_01
You may feel that way, but is that reality?
0
SPEAKER_01
We need to look at what's real as different from how we feel.
0
SPEAKER_01
You may feel that someone doesn't care anymore,
0
SPEAKER_01
 But investigate that feeling a bit deeper yourself before you communicate.
0
SPEAKER_09
 Listen, both Danielle and I are reporters.
0
SPEAKER_09
We've covered the news and we know the world can feel heavy.
0
SPEAKER_09
But the Bright Side podcast is a space to have a little fun, to learn something new and get into some friendly debates.
0
SPEAKER_10
That's right.
0
SPEAKER_10
Join us five days a week to see how life can look from the bright side.
0
SPEAKER_10
We'll hear from celebrities, authors, experts and listeners like you.
0
SPEAKER_09
Whether it's relationships, friend advice or figuring out how to navigate life's transitions.
0
SPEAKER_09
We'll talk through it all together.
0
SPEAKER_10
 Listen to The Bright Side from Hello Sunshine every weekday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_02
Parents, ready to discover a new educational and interactive podcast for kids?
0
SPEAKER_02
Join Stories for Kids by Lingokids, where episodes are packed with fun activities.
0
SPEAKER_02
Right, Elliot?
0
SPEAKER_02
Oh, yes!
0
SPEAKER_02
We learned how to recycle at the beach.
0
SPEAKER_02
 That was great fun!
0
SPEAKER_02
Cowie, what do you say?
0
SPEAKER_08
It was!
0
SPEAKER_08
And that time when we did the science experiments and Billy made raisins dance!
0
SPEAKER_08
That is so cool, Billy!
0
SPEAKER_02
He did!
0
SPEAKER_02
Not to mention when a certain Elliot took up swimming classes with Lisa.
0
SPEAKER_02
That was me!
0
SPEAKER_02
Bet you can't catch me!
0
SPEAKER_02
I'm going to get you!
0
SPEAKER_02
 All this fun and more in our Stories for Kids.
0
SPEAKER_02
Lingo Kids' Stories for Kids is now available on Story Button, the kid-friendly device for screenless podcast listening.
0
SPEAKER_02
Listen to Stories for Kids on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_05
 Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt and we're the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_08
It's a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
0
SPEAKER_05
 like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
0
SPEAKER_08
We're back with season two of the podcast, which means more opportunities to glow up and become a more responsible and better adult, one life lesson at a time.
0
SPEAKER_05
And let me just tell you, this show is just as much for us as it is for you.
0
SPEAKER_05
So let's figure this stuff out together.
0
SPEAKER_05
This season, we're going to talk about whether or not we're financially and emotionally ready for dog ownership.
0
SPEAKER_08
 We're going to figure out the benefits of a high yield savings account.
0
SPEAKER_05
And what exactly are the duties of being a member of the wedding party?
0
SPEAKER_08
All that plus so much more.
0
SPEAKER_05
Let's learn about all of it and then some.
0
SPEAKER_05
Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_01
 One of the biggest mistakes we make is we communicate our feelings without investigating them or without being curious about them.
0
SPEAKER_01
If we get curious and we investigate, okay, well, I feel like they don't care about me anymore at all.
0
SPEAKER_01
Let me investigate that.
0
SPEAKER_01
Okay, that's not true.
0
SPEAKER_01
Last week when they brought me dinner, they ordered dinner, I could tell they cared about me.
0
SPEAKER_01
 Okay, you know what, this morning, actually, they asked me if I, you know, if I wanted to sleep in a little more.
0
SPEAKER_01
Okay, so let me investigate.
0
SPEAKER_01
Okay, so when do I feel that way?
0
SPEAKER_01
Okay, well, when they come home late from work, that's when I feel that way.
0
SPEAKER_01
Okay, when they don't clean up after dinner, that's when I feel that way.
0
SPEAKER_01
So it's not that they don't care at all.
0
SPEAKER_01
It's that there are times of the day when I feel they don't care.
0
SPEAKER_01
What don't they care about?
0
SPEAKER_01
 I feel like they don't care about my time.
0
SPEAKER_01
Okay, so it's not that they don't care at all.
0
SPEAKER_01
It's that there are certain times that I don't feel they care about my time.
0
SPEAKER_01
Now, when you communicate to them, you say, hey, there are a couple of times a day where I feel you don't care about my time.
0
SPEAKER_01
But I also want to acknowledge that there are times this week that you've made me feel so loved.
0
SPEAKER_01
 You've made me feel so appreciated, but I wanted to understand why you do certain things and how that makes me feel at those times.
0
SPEAKER_01
Notice how you are communicating and having a completely different conversation.
0
SPEAKER_01
 Now, this is without a doubt one of the biggest issues in relationships, because what we're doing is we do none of the thinking and expect our partner to do all the thinking.
0
SPEAKER_01
So we just want to feel, and we want our partners to think and feel.
0
SPEAKER_01
We don't want to do any thinking, we don't want to do any reflecting, we don't want to do any introspecting, and we go and dump all of it onto them, and we expect them to think, feel, reflect, and introspect in that moment.
0
SPEAKER_01
Now, when you go to that person and say, hey, I don't feel you care at all,
0
SPEAKER_01
 The first thing that comes to their mind is, but I just brought you coffee this morning.
0
SPEAKER_01
And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, but that's not what I mean.
0
SPEAKER_01
And they're like, but what do you mean?
0
SPEAKER_01
I ordered dinner for you last week.
0
SPEAKER_01
I was looking out for you.
0
SPEAKER_01
I knew you were working hard.
0
SPEAKER_01
And you're like, yeah, yeah, but not that.
0
SPEAKER_01
That's not what I mean.
0
SPEAKER_01
So then they're saying, well, give me an example.
0
SPEAKER_01
 And now you go into something when they're already on the defensive, you're on the offensive and trying to prove a point, and now you get lost in an argument that no one wants to be in.
0
SPEAKER_01
Don't use unsafe, threatening, or unhealthy language in your relationship.
0
SPEAKER_01
It will truly create so many dents and so many blemishes and so many cuts and wounds that they're really hard to repair and heal.
0
SPEAKER_01
 Put your partner in a position where you're not noticing the good as well as noticing the challenges.
0
SPEAKER_01
And recognize that when you share the challenges, make sure you also share the positives and the powerful things that they do because otherwise someone feels underappreciated.
0
SPEAKER_01
Someone feels completely unlooked at or overlooked.
0
SPEAKER_01
I want to share with you the biggest news of the year.
0
SPEAKER_01
 How many of you want to meditate?
0
SPEAKER_01
I can see your heads nodding.
0
SPEAKER_01
I can see you raising your hands.
0
SPEAKER_01
I can see you saying, yes Jay, I really want to learn to meditate.
0
SPEAKER_01
How many of you would like to learn to meditate with me every single day?
0
SPEAKER_01
 Now, I already know what the answer is because I know how many messages, DMs, reviews, notes that I get saying, Jay, I'd love to meditate with you.
0
SPEAKER_01
Last year, we took meditation to Instagram and I meditated for around 40 days live and 20 million of you tuned in.
0
SPEAKER_01
Now, I am taking that same focus, that same presence to calm.
0
SPEAKER_01
 I've partnered up with Calm to release a new series called The Daily J where you can meditate with me every single day for 7 minutes to make it a real habit.
0
SPEAKER_01
I would love for you to come and join me and take part in building a really powerful meditation practice and guess what, we're going to do it together.
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Head over right now to calm.com forward slash J to get 40% off a premium membership that's calm.com forward slash J.
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 And point number four is honesty plus love.
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 Honesty plus love has to be the way it works.
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I've been reading this great book called The Culture Code and there's a brilliant example of it of the San Antonio Spurs coach Popovich.
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Now, I didn't know who this individual was because I'm not as familiar with basketball and the history in basketball as I am with football or soccer, but this really stuck out to me and I wanted to share this with you
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 This is from the book called The Culture Code.
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And when they interviewed his assistant coach, he said, a lot of coaches can yell or be nice, but what Pop does is different, says assistant coach Chip Engeland.
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He delivers two things over and over.
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He'll tell you the truth, and then he'll love you to death.
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 And I think when we bring these two things together, when we unify this approach in our language with our partners, it transforms everything.
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Because what we do is one or the other.
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We either love them to death, but inside we're not happy with what they're doing, or we're honest with them, but then we don't share that love, that attention, that absorption.
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And so I think that's really important for us to think about is how can we share honestly with love?
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 Ask yourself that always, when you're going to share something, how can you share it with love?
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I've been thinking about this a lot lately also, is that love is what changes someone's life and heart.
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 There's a beautiful quote by Russell Barkley where he said that the people who need the most love often ask for it in the most unloving ways.
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Let that blow your mind for a moment.
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He said that the people who need the most love often ask for it in the most unloving ways.
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When you see someone acting out of arrogance,
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 When you see someone acting out of cockiness, when you see someone acting out of bravado, or insecurity, or vanity, or pressure, or stress, what they're really seeking is love.
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So if you meet their ego with more ego, what does it do?
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It just compounds the ego.
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 If you meet their pain with more pain, what does it do?
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Just it increases the pain.
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If you meet their arrogance or their insecurity with more insecurity, it just doubles insecurity.
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But if you meet their insecurity, their vanity, their ego, their pain with love and honesty,
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 You've just given them what they're actually asking for without even knowing they're asking for it.
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Love is undefeatable.
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And you may say, well, that person doesn't deserve love.
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They're not acting in a way where they deserve love.
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Now, of course, as a caveat, I always recommend if someone is being physically, mentally, psychologically,
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 verbally abusive, this does not apply and I would recommend getting professional help to take care of that situation.
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But in our arguments of the day-to-day, we have to realize that ultimately everyone is simply seeking love.
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Now, point number five.
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 If you're going to tell them how you want them to improve, you have to tell them and communicate that you believe they can.
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One of the biggest mistakes we make when we're giving feedback or sharing things that we want our partner to work on or improve on, we put them down.
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We say, you never do this.
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You always do this.
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You know, well, look at so-and-so's partner.
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They don't do stuff like this.
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And none of it is actually building confidence or making them feel they can do it.
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 Now, this study, researchers discovered, and this was also from the book, The Culture Code, that I loved.
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Researchers discovered that one particular form of feedback boosted student effort and performance so immensely that they deemed it magical feedback.
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Students who received it chose to revise their papers far more often than students who did not, and their performance improved significantly.
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 The feedback was not complicated.
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In fact, it consisted of one simple phrase.
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Now, before I share that one simple phrase with you, think about this.
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Students are being given feedback on their papers, and this one simple phrase is making them perform better.
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Can you guess what it is?
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This is what it is.
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Listen to this.
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I'm giving you these comments because I have very high expectations, and I know that you can reach them.
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 That's it, the author says in Culture Code, Daniel Coyle.
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Just 19 words.
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None of these words contain any information on how to improve, yet they are powerful because they deliver a burst of belonging cues.
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Actually, when you look more closely at the sentence, it contains three separate cues, says Daniel Coyle.
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Number one, you are part of this group.
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Number two, this group is special.
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We have high standards here.
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Number three, I believe you can reach those standards.
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 He says, here is a safe place to give effort.
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Notice how when we give feedback to our partners, we don't say this is a safe space.
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We say, well, this is what I want.
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This is what I need.
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That's just the way it is.
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What does that sound like?
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It sounds like an ultimatum.
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And guess what?
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Well, I don't think you can.
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I mean, you never do.
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You never have.
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I keep telling you this.
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Look at that language and what it creates.
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It creates an unsafe environment for someone to change, for someone to grow, for someone to build, for someone to heal.
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 Tell them you believe they can.
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When you say something, you say, hey, I really want a powerful relationship with you.
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And I know that we can figure this out together.
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What do you think about this?
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How different is that to, you know, you just never change?
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I just don't know where this is gonna go.
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I have no idea.
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We say that thinking that's gonna get a response from them, right?
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We all say that hoping that someone hears that and goes, oh my gosh, I need to save this relationship.
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I have to sort myself out.
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And actually they hear that and they go, oh, they feel demonic.