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This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.
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Look at how fast, we re almost halfway through the year.
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Crazy, yeah.
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Are you proud of what you ve done in 2024 so far?
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I mean, you always want to do more, right?
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Life goes so fast, David.
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It s a great idea.
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You can probably always sharpen it.
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Yeah, I mean, I had a therapist in Portland and I would commute and that was a pain.
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That s a long drive.
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I know it was 1300 miles one way, but you know, it s good therapist.
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All right, so Ed O Neill, this was the first interview we did for this show and one of my all-time favorite episodes because of Ed and his charm and everything else.
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And David, before we get into that, didn t you have a technical issue?
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Oh, I had a microphone.
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It wasn t a microphone problem, it was a problem with me because it was our first one and it was
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I mean, this one is our first one.
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So it s been, you know, the problem is it fell between my seats and I just found it the other day.
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The recording device was supposed to click record and it fell between the seats.
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And so your sound is just going over the computer.
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So it s a little distant, but.
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Well heard, right?
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No, I found this whole episode in between.
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So I said, Oh, we should air this.
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We never aired this Dana.
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And I said, and so we know we have it.
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And Ed was by the way, Ed, we both know him pretty well.
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super cool guy, was our first one.
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So it was experimental, but he jumped right in, said, of course I want to do this.
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And we talked a little about SNL, but we mostly talked about how interesting his life is.
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I became fascinated by, because I kind of had a sense he s an East Coast tough character, and he almost played professional football, and he was almost a made man in a way.
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He s like a gangster, yeah.
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His forearms are Popeye forearms.
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And there s a certain kind of power to him.
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He just doesn t need show business, but he s had Married With Children, he s had Modern Family, he s had this huge career, but he s so eccentric and he is an extremely intense Brazilian jiu-jitsu guy, black belt.
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And I called him after the podcast and we talked for an hour about the technique of that, of getting someone on their feet and laying your body, just didn t really.
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You know, a street fight, he ll take you in a second.
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It just shows you, you just never know.
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He s built like a truck.
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He s like a Joe Rogan.
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I mean, he s tough, like you don t want to get in a fight with him.
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No, no, no.
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And he s such a nice guy.
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Oh, and he would regulate on the set.
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Remember we talked about that?
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Which one?
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If somebody gets out of hand.
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Yeah, he s the go-to guy and somebody needs to be slapped around, but he has no ego about it.
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And he doesn t, he s not like a normal show business person.
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It s like something he does, he s great at.
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And he said he just lives one day at a time.
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I said, when you were getting famous and he talks all about that.
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Oh, he did marry with children too.
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Yeah, yeah, and he s so funny in that.
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So it was a really interesting interview.
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I would not click off right now if I were you.
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No, click on.
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I would stay tuned.
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Hey, that s what we do, fly on the wall, click on.
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Yeah, they re already on, but just keep it on.
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Yeah, okay, here it is.
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And he s gonna reveal some stuff that you ve not seen or heard in other podcasts or interviews.
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So enjoy Ed O Neill.
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By the way, first of all, I want to hear Ed s story of when he met Lorne before the show alone.
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That never happens.
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Oh, yeah.
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Well, you know, the traditional thing, right?
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The dinner at that Italian restaurant in the theater district.
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Or so.
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Yeah, or so.
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But that s usually padded with casts, like Tuesday night when we re writing and supposed to be writing.
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No, this was like Wednesday or Thursday.
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And he wanted to have, you know, take me to dinner and, you know, bring your wife along.
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So we went downstairs and, you know, it was the three of us.
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And it was great, you know, good food.
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But we didn t have anything to talk about.
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I mean, he didn t want to do anything.
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He didn t want to get near married with children.
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You know, that was like, forget that.
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So he was trying to figure out what to do with me, which was basically, you know, nothing.
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I mean, it was like,
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Well, I said, just throw me in skits with some of the people, you know, just throw me in.
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And that s what he did.
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And that s what happened.
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But it was very, I mean, usually I can think of something to talk about, but I had a difficult time with Lauren.
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Well, that or so is tough.
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I would go, I would be assigned, because I was sort of like the class clown.
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Everyone hated writing on Tuesday.
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And that was usually the dinner that I went to.
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And then Marcia would come around and go, Lauren, let s go to dinner.
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and I m with my legal pad, huh?
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And it would take you out of writing, because it s right in the heart of the eight to 10, right?
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And then he wants you, he wants Dana, he wants Mike Meyer, you know, you just go around and picking shoes.
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And then they would say no, because they could, and I d have to say yes, because I was newer.
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Yeah, that was a very interesting experience.
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I can t say I liked it.
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I can t say I liked it.
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I didn t like it.
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No, I didn t like it, because first of all, I didn t like cue cards, and I didn t like
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the whole process of the first show and then they, you know, you get together with you guys and you try to get their bit in and you hate to tell them, you know, well, which one do you like?
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You like David s better than Dana s or, you know?
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What?
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Luckily they do that behind closed doors.
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They take the host just for the people at home.
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By the way, I wasn t on when Ed was there, I don t think.
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I think Dana was.
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I was.
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You did Wayne s World with us.
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That s right.
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That s right.
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Yeah, I did.
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And that wasn t so bad.
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And that crush.
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And then I did a thing with the girls.
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You know, I forget which one s the Sweeney sisters.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Exactly.
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Yeah.
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Hooks, Norris.
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I actually thought they were funny.
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Very funny.
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And then we Sweeney sisters is funny.
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I like that one.
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Yeah.
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And then I did something with
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Oh, I can t remember them all.
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I mean, I mean, it was Lovett s was around.
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Well, that was last season in a sketch or no.
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Is that a rumor?
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No, no.
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We did a thing on on on the tyrant that was in.
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What country, you know?
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Oh, God.
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Yeah.
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So it was Noriega.
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Was I the church lady in that?
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And no, it wasn t Noriega.
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It was.
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Oh, no, it wasn t Noriega.
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But but Lovett s played the dictator, right?
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No, no, no.
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The dictator was dead in a coffin and we were standing.
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Oh, OK.
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And I m getting warmer.
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Everybody was pretending they were upset, you know, with this murderous, you know, fucking guy.
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It was actually kind of funny.
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I mean, it really it was.
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But I just didn t, I just felt like an eight ball, you know, like, why am I here, you know?
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And I think I was just there because Mark said, put them on the show, you know?
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Yeah, you re famous, that s your fault.
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And he talked like that when he was 28.
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Put him on this show!
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He s a good guy.
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You know what?
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One of the reasons, in a philosophical quasi-serious thing, is that I don t know if SNL was unintentionally sometimes a live reality show, because you re taking Wayne Gretzky and saying, hey, do 10 live comedy sketches, hockey man.
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with cue cards and no rehearsal.
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The one that, because I hosted it after being a cast member and it was awful.
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You re just in so many things, you re pulled so many ways and it s just a blur.
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But so you could feel better, Ed, I ve been in the slats during the commercial break and seeing Michael Jordan, the Michael Jordan, kind of like, okay, what are we going to do here, you know?
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I said, just look at the cards.
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I mean, Christopher,
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Christopher Walken ignored the protocol.
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So when he was first hosting, he just, I m in, I m the church, so I m looking at him.
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He never looked at me.
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He just looked straight at the card and never moved his head and read it directly off the cards.
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And it was perfect.
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You know, he was on the week after me.
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He came in that day.
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Remember, you tell that story, I wasn t there, but you know, when Lorne asked him if he had anything he thought was funny.
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The thing about the bears, bears are funny, likewise bear suits.
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Bears, bears are funny and bears as well.
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And if you break it down, it s brilliant.
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His brain went a bear, circus bear.
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Oh yeah.
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But a guy in a bear suit is funny as well.
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But I remember when he came in, he goes, saw it O Neal.
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Never look at the cots.
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Just look at them the whole time.
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Never moved your head.
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Well, he has that brilliant, that brilliant bit about Mr. Mr. Belvedere, whatever that was, that guy.
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All right.
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Walking around.
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Was that the continental?
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Yeah, yeah, Mr. Continental.
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I thought that was great.
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Point of view.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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But Chris is just Chris s.
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He s he s he s great.
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He s out there.
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I did a movie with them years ago.
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I did Dogs of War.
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With Tom Berenger and Chris Walken, and I was one of the mercenaries, you know, and it was it was fun.
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It was fun.
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Let s say he s sweet.
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He s just so different, Chris.
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I love the guy.
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Do you have time for a quick story, Ed?
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I ll tell you when you re done with your story.
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Yes.
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I had a thing with Chris.
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I was on my way to play handball at the West Side Y, West 63rd, and it was like a Monday, all right?
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So 11 a.m., he s coming down the street, you know, with that hair and the coat, you know, and the big strides.
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And I had just read a review.
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He had been doing Hamlet
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at Stratford, and he got pretty good reviews.
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I mean, the play itself, they said, you know, it s not great, but he may have a Hamlet in him.
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So I, you know, and I had done Dogs of War with him.
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So we stopped each other and he said, you know, we re dark today.
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I m gonna go get a drink.
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You know, why don t you join me?
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I said, it s 11 a.m.
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I have a handball game.
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Well, all right.
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I said, I just read the reviews pretty well.
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He said, you know,
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When you do Shakespeare, you got to do that thing, you know, that thing for them, that, you know, the critical faculty, they like to hear that, the thing.
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I said, oh yeah, yeah, right, you know, what s he talking about?
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What thing?
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What thing?
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He said, yeah, but I refuse, I refuse.
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I won t give it to them.
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Fuck them in their asses.
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And do I not look Danish?
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I said, you do look Danish.
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There you are.
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There you are.
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And away he went.
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And away he went.
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He was just, you know, he was just a free spirit all the way around.
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He was, I loved him.
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And Joe Pesci was the same kind of interesting character off screen.
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Because I remember him telling this long story.
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He goes, you know, you got to know, when do you want to fight?
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You know, when do you, when are you going to fight?
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It s just a non sequitur.
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I say a sugar bowl across the nose.
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You know, I drove from that West 63rd Street Y, you know, and he would.
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So he was a tough guy.
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Well, he was and he was five, too.
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You know, it wasn t a difficult step to play New York gangsters.
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No, I don t know what the fuck I m going to do playing a tough New York gangster.
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Look at me.
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I always said that about those guys.
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I said, it s thank God they weren t born in Cleveland or, you know, I mean, none of them would have worked, you know, but because it was New York, you know, they re doing the New York thing.
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Yeah, I did it with Pesci and we did a movie together.
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And then he either I was with him or he did this on his own or this is a total lie.
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But he was he was sitting and he was telling me what he doesn t like because he goes, I don t like autographs.
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I don t like all that shit.
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And I go, yeah.
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And then he goes, this guy last night at dinner goes, hey, Joe Pesci at the other table, which we all get a man, you know.
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And then he goes, hey, come here.
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to the table, come here.
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And he goes, what the fuck do you say to me?
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The guy was coming.
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He goes, come here.
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Fuck you and fuck your mom.
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Fuck you.
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You want to be a man?
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You walk over my table and ask if you re allowed to talk to me.
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I was like.
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And now I do that.
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That s where I picked it up.
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What am I like a clown?
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Exactly.
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It was like that.
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Exactly.
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Am I a fuck?
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How am I funny?
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How am I?
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Oh, that was great.
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SPEAKER_01
That was great.
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That was great.
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Yeah.
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He used to work in this restaurant.
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I think it was in Queens.
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It was an Italian joint.
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And that s where Scorsese had seen him in, or De Niro or both of them had seen him in this thing called the Death Collector with Joe Cortese.
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Remember Joe Cortese?
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It was like a B movie, but they liked Joe in it.
1
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And they were thinking of him for the brother, the raging bull.
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So they called him and it was a busy night.
1
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He was a Mater D or something out there.
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It was a wise guy joint.
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Go figure.
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And he said, who is it?
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It s Bobby De Niro.
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Yeah, tell Bobby, go fuck himself in his ass.
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And then he kept working.
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Yeah.
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I remember being at the Columbus Cafe with Lovett.
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So we were just fresh off the boat in New York City.
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And we re there with all these guys.
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All those guys.
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Yeah.
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And his friends and Lovett says to one big guy, he goes, what do you do for a living?
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And the guy goes, what do you want to know for?
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You know, John s like, sorry, I didn t know.
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Oh, man.
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I was in I was in there was this Irish bar restaurant, Jimmy Neary s on the east side, like around 59th or 57th.
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I forget.
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But I used to go in there sometimes.
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And it was, you know, a lot of these detectives, retired detectives are not they re mostly Irish.
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And I was, cause I was doing a Big Apple for David Milch.
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And I was partnered with this young actor.
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So we re in there with a bunch of guys and this one cop was driving us around.
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He was a retired detective.
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And he says, you know, we re just talking.
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He says, you see that guy at the bar over there?
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Driver.
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I said, Jimmy Coonan, the guy that was, you know, he ran the Westies.
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Yeah, well, he s doing light, you know, but this guy, which is driving this prick, I don t like him.
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They used to go down to this.
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And anyway, the guys at the bar smoking, he just got out.
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And I look around and my partner, this young actor is over there because he also liked to write.
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He s he s chatting this guy up, you know, at the bar.
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And I thought, oh, that could be a big mistake, you know, so I kind of went over and the guy knew me.
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Because I was there, I used to live in that area, a Hell s Kitchen that was called Clinton at the time.
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And he says, hey, hi, Ed, how are you?
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I didn t know him.
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I said, good, what s up?
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I said, Mike, our food s coming.
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Apparently he had asked the guy, you know, listen, I heard you drove for Jimmy Coonan and, you know, I d like to maybe write something.
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SPEAKER_01
Could you, you could help me out.
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SPEAKER_01
We ll write a thing.
1
SPEAKER_01
It ll be great.
1
SPEAKER_01
And the guy smoking a cigarette, you know, he s just looking at him.
1
SPEAKER_01
He says, you know, that was a long time ago.
1
SPEAKER_01
A lot of people don t need to know about this.
1
SPEAKER_01
You know, you certainly don t need to know about it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Jesus, terrifying.
1
SPEAKER_01
Just like that.
1
SPEAKER_01
Hey, O Neal, go back.
1
SPEAKER_01
Nice to see you.
1
SPEAKER_01
Tell that fucking donkey you re with that I fucking hate him.
1
SPEAKER_01
It was the cop, you know, that said, that pointed him out.
1
SPEAKER_01
I mean, they all know each other.
1
SPEAKER_01
You know, it s just like, it s like a little, it s a neighborhood.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s terrifying though.
1
SPEAKER_00
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1
SPEAKER_03
I just was so curious about, you know, you being a, trying out for the Pittsburgh Steelers and you being a black belt in Jiu-Jitsu.
1
SPEAKER_03
So like they could all sit on boxes or whatever, wear puffy jackets, but you would be the guy who could actually from that neighborhood take care of you.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m just saying, right?
1
SPEAKER_01
The truth of my life has been that, you know, when I came from Youngstown, which was a steel mill town and I grew up with wise guys, you know, their fathers, my friends were their fathers and,
1
SPEAKER_01
You know, there s a lot of stories there that they wanted me to get in at one point, not not I could never be made you know because I was I right.
2
SPEAKER_00
by the Steelers, they wanted me to, you know, strong arm a few guys.
2
SPEAKER_00
I always said no.
2
SPEAKER_00
I said, I can t go to jail.
2
SPEAKER_00
I can t go to jail.
2
SPEAKER_00
So, but I knew all these guys.
2
SPEAKER_00
It was, I grew up with that.
2
SPEAKER_01
At your peak physicality, like with the Steelers, I mean, what, how, how much did you weigh?
2
SPEAKER_01
You re like 6 2 , and like what were you, 220?
2
SPEAKER_01
I was like 6 2 , maybe 225.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
So with, with big forearms.
2
SPEAKER_01
He was the early Joe Rogan.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s what I did.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s what you did if you grew up there and you had any kind of physicality.
2
SPEAKER_02
I read about Pittsburgh Sears on your Wikipedia, but I didn t really believe it because it s also on my Wikipedia.
2
SPEAKER_02
It said you re from Youngstown, Ohio.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I go, is this just a sexy rumor?
2
SPEAKER_02
Because I, my parents went to Denison.
2
SPEAKER_02
Is that really a school?
2
SPEAKER_02
Are they making this up?
2
SPEAKER_00
Is there a school?
2
SPEAKER_00
But it s not, it s not in Youngstown.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s up near Akron, I think.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
She said she went to school.
2
SPEAKER_02
I don t totally believe her.
2
SPEAKER_02
And then my dad said he went to the same one.
2
SPEAKER_02
And that story didn t really check out because it was the same school.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I thought he was just piggybacking on her story.
2
SPEAKER_02
So if there is a Denison, then that s good because now there is a Denison.
2
SPEAKER_00
And it was a nice little private school, I think.
2
SPEAKER_00
OK, good.
2
SPEAKER_00
That s good.
2
SPEAKER_00
So there.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I went I went to OU for a while until how you and I I sort of flunked out of there.
2
SPEAKER_00
And then I got back to you.
2
SPEAKER_00
Not a genius.
2
SPEAKER_00
Not a genius.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t think there s anybody who has a more of a regular guy persona than you.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like there s no pretense, like literally nothing.
2
SPEAKER_01
I mean, you know, 40 years of television.
2
SPEAKER_01
I mean, just like you could be just anybody.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s, it s really, I just want to go back to this idea that if you wouldn t suffer fools, you re so nice, but
2
SPEAKER_01
this East Coast physicality you have.
2
SPEAKER_01
Were you ever on a set where you thought, I m going to set this guy down, I m going to choke him out, or I m not going to take this shit.
2
SPEAKER_01
I mean, I think you re the kind of guy who s incredibly nice until he s not nice.
2
SPEAKER_01
You don t want to ever meet that other guy.
2
SPEAKER_00
I mean, I ve said that a few times because I ve said, look guys, everyone thinks I m such a nice guy.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m not.
2
SPEAKER_00
I mean, I have been very violent in my life.
2
SPEAKER_00
I mean- I love it.
2
SPEAKER_00
I never pulled a gun and shot or knifed a guy, but I was always, you know, I didn t run away from those troubling things when you re young.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like I do.
2
SPEAKER_00
I run away from everything.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like most people should, David, you know?
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
I mean, I m honestly lucky that I m, you know, didn t have a lot more trouble than I did.
2
SPEAKER_02
I m what s known on the streets as a colossal pussy.
2
SPEAKER_01
You fought with your wit.
2
SPEAKER_02
I fought with money now.
2
SPEAKER_01
I made friends with a guy named Steve Lee in fifth grade, the big kid.
2
SPEAKER_01
He was my enforcer.
2
SPEAKER_01
You know, I had my hands to him.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I was kind of that guy for a lot of years.
2
SPEAKER_01
I would have been your best friend.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, a lot of my friends, they needed a little help every now and then.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I was always happy because I always disliked bullies.
2
SPEAKER_00
I had a thing about bullies.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I had a little routine I used to do in bars.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know, if somebody, I mean, I m making this up, right?
2
SPEAKER_00
If someone comes up and says, hey, you got a cigarette, give me a cigarette.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know, not nice.
2
SPEAKER_00
And you got it right there, you know, on the bar.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I d say, how many do you want?
2
SPEAKER_00
Give me a couple of them.
2
SPEAKER_00
I said, OK.
2
SPEAKER_00
Here, here you go.
2
SPEAKER_00
You got a match?
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
Can I light it for you?
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I d just be like, like, I d act like I was afraid of them.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I d just draw them in, you know, draw them in, give them more room.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know, give them more space to feel like they got their tough guy routine.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I m just waiting to drop the hammer on them.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know, I would just get an angle.
2
SPEAKER_00
I d move over, get a little angle.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know, we re sitting on bar stools, so you get a little angle.
2
SPEAKER_00
Love it.
2
SPEAKER_00
And then you might say, how s that cigarette?
2
SPEAKER_00
Is it good?
2
SPEAKER_00
And then I point it and boom.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, Jesus.
2
SPEAKER_00
Jesus.
2
SPEAKER_00
I just wanted to do it.
2
SPEAKER_00
I love the side of you.
2
SPEAKER_00
I just wanted to do it.
2
SPEAKER_01
But but let me ask you a question.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I put David in here, too.
2
SPEAKER_01
We re kind of scrappy.
2
SPEAKER_01
We have a lot of anger.
2
SPEAKER_01
We both have a really weird childhood.
2
SPEAKER_01
Or your comics.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I m Irish, and I do think that the Irish brain, I don t know, you know the gangs of New York, the Irish gangs, we re suicidal if someone pushes, like, do you want to fucking die right now?
2
SPEAKER_00
You know what it is?
2
SPEAKER_00
You know what it is, Dana?
2
SPEAKER_00
I think it s that border thing.
2
SPEAKER_00
you know, where we come from the DNA, the Scotland, Ireland, that they re living up in the you know, they don t plant there.
2
SPEAKER_00
It was all limestone.
2
SPEAKER_00
So they had sheep.
2
SPEAKER_00
You could steal sheep.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know, you can t steal apples too well.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, they were always that that s all those guys that went down into the Ozarks.
2
SPEAKER_00
you know, those feuds, you know, the McCoys, they were all from there.
2
SPEAKER_00
And they murdered you, not for any kind of like, you robbed me, you insulted me.
2
SPEAKER_00
Now I m going to kill you.
2
SPEAKER_01
No, I m going to kill you, man.
2
SPEAKER_01
You insulted me.
2
SPEAKER_01
I have relatives in Ireland right now and they, talking to them growing up, my wife s nephew, boy, he s just fighting every day in Dublin.
2
SPEAKER_01
Street poor.
2
SPEAKER_00
I mean, that was part of the reason I finally left.
2
SPEAKER_00
I mean, no, it s a whole long crazy story how I started doing acting.
2
SPEAKER_00
I needed to get out of Youngstown because, you know, I realized I m going to die here.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know, I may die violently here or I m just going to die on the vine, you know, in a bar drunk someplace.
2
SPEAKER_00
And so I realized I had to get the fuck out of there because it was, you know, at the time I didn t really realize how dangerous a place it was.
2
SPEAKER_00
It was a very dangerous place.
2
SPEAKER_00
I ve been there.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s terrifying.
2
SPEAKER_02
You re like, I gotta get out of here to a different bleak town.
2
SPEAKER_01
Blue-collared, tough.
2
SPEAKER_00
And no matter where you go nearby, it s the same thing.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know, Steubenville, Akron, Canton, Maslin, it s all the same thing.
2
SPEAKER_00
You gotta get way the hell out of there.
2
SPEAKER_02
I m there and I hear a lot of, hey, sissy boy.
2
SPEAKER_02
I m like, me?
2
SPEAKER_02
But I was there to do a gig.
2
SPEAKER_02
I played a casino there.
2
SPEAKER_02
And you know, Ed, this might be a little heavy, but when I played Youngstown, it sounds sort of elitist, but
2
SPEAKER_02
When you do a casino gig in some of these towns, I didn t really notice it, but sometimes towns aren t doing well, and there was a lot of boarding up, and then you get to this beautiful casino, and all you think in your head is, this is where all the money s going.
2
SPEAKER_02
Everyone gets a check, and they go to the casino, and it s just like, fuck, I m part of the problem.
2
SPEAKER_02
I m playing the casino.
2
SPEAKER_02
I don t know where I m going.
2
SPEAKER_02
I m in Youngstown.
2
SPEAKER_02
I go, oh, my parents are from here, allegedly.
2
SPEAKER_02
And then I go and I go, Oh my God, I m part of the problem.
2
SPEAKER_02
Here I am.
2
SPEAKER_02
And they re like all gambling.
2
SPEAKER_02
And there s a lot of little scooters.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I go, these poor towns, there s a million of them like that.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, there s so many of them.
2
SPEAKER_00
And you know, they re all trying to get lucky.
2
SPEAKER_00
Because really, yeah, I mean, David, I don t know, I ve often told people, I said, they said, Oh, well, you know, you got you got out and you were you re so successful now.
2
SPEAKER_00
And
2
SPEAKER_00
And I said, I m so lucky.
2
SPEAKER_00
I mean, I don t know what my odds would have been.
2
SPEAKER_00
I didn t even get to New York till I was 31.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know, when I was cut by the Steelers, my father said, you re going to try what now?
2
SPEAKER_00
Get in the middle.
2
SPEAKER_00
What the fuck is wrong with you?
2
SPEAKER_00
Concussion protocol.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I took a few hits.
2
SPEAKER_00
My dad was a real tough guy.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know, my dad was a really physical, uh, nice guy, by the way.
2
SPEAKER_00
But again, that trigger.
2
SPEAKER_00
It was Dana s.
2
SPEAKER_00
Same thing.
2
SPEAKER_01
I had the same thing.
2
SPEAKER_01
We, I had, you know, I m five kids, three older brothers pounding me all day long.
2
SPEAKER_01
My dad would, uh, he d
2
SPEAKER_01
if he thought you did something wrong you had to go get his belt then he would snap it humiliating and you had to grab your ankles and their siblings siblings would gather around and say how many and then as he started to beat you he would scream at you oh jesus christ so it made me
2
SPEAKER_01
It made me tough.
2
SPEAKER_01
What I m interested in right now is did your father live to see your incredible success?
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
And if so, what, how did your relationship change with him?
2
SPEAKER_01
And when you got all that, I mean, what, what was that like with your dad?
2
SPEAKER_00
You know, he retired and he moved down to North Carolina on the Outer Banks where my mother, my mother and father divorced.
2
SPEAKER_00
Had a sister who was schizophrenic and there were five of us.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay, so the youngest sister was schizophrenic.
2
SPEAKER_00
So my mother took her to North Carolina where my sister lived with her husband.
2
SPEAKER_00
And then my father retired and he wanted to move down there.
2
SPEAKER_00
He had a little house that we had a talk about getting like a vacation home, a little small.
2
SPEAKER_00
And so anyway, my whole family ended up down there, you know, not me because I was in New York, but then I had to sort of navigate, you know, I heard you bought your mother a car.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m driving a piece of shit.
3
SPEAKER_00
Here it comes.
3
SPEAKER_00
I d have to buy him a car.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
I d have to buy her a house with a fucking swimming pool.
3
SPEAKER_00
What the fuck do I look like?
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, I said, Dad, you re living with another woman.
3
SPEAKER_00
You re you know, I mean, it was a it was a mess, but that s crazy.
3
SPEAKER_01
So he did not cozy up like my dad, because I was the one he really had it in for because they wanted a girl.
3
SPEAKER_01
They got me and they named the girl s name.
3
SPEAKER_01
So, you know, so
3
SPEAKER_01
He thought maybe I was a little, you know, whatever.
3
SPEAKER_01
I had an angelic, cherubic face.
3
SPEAKER_01
I was very boyish.
3
SPEAKER_01
But after I left and had success, it was like, oh, Dan, you and I were the same person.
3
SPEAKER_01
I always supported you.
3
SPEAKER_01
I gave you everything.
3
SPEAKER_00
Well, I was the oldest.
3
SPEAKER_00
I was the oldest of five.
3
SPEAKER_00
And my name is the same as my father s, you know.
3
SPEAKER_00
except our middle name is different.
3
SPEAKER_00
But so I was sort of his favorite, you know.
3
SPEAKER_00
And again, I was I became that guy that he wanted me to be, which was a pretty tough guy, an athlete.
3
SPEAKER_00
And my second brother was probably he was my second brother s gay.
3
SPEAKER_00
So he went to the seminary to be a priest and four years and dropped out.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s a whole other thing.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then I had another brother who was a good, great kid who s
3
SPEAKER_00
It s kind of tragic.
3
SPEAKER_00
He died young, then my youngest sister died, then my mother died, then my father died.
3
SPEAKER_00
So it was kind of a crazy, crazy shit.
3
SPEAKER_02
Wow.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
So my dad was a deadbeat dad kind of in a when, when that s where all my anger comes out.
3
SPEAKER_02
I got in a fight in sixth grade with this guy named Oscar and he, uh, I was, I was at the little league game, just chatting up some gals and he came behind me and rabbit punched me.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh, I was like, First of all, it s illegal, but I didn t say anything about that.
3
SPEAKER_02
But I turn around, and then the sucker punch.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, sucker punch.
3
SPEAKER_02
And then surprisingly, spade didn t go down on that.
3
SPEAKER_02
I was just like, Huh?
3
SPEAKER_02
And then he goes, Come on, man.
3
SPEAKER_02
Let s go.
3
SPEAKER_02
And I m like, times goes, I m with some ladies.
3
SPEAKER_02
But meanwhile,
3
SPEAKER_02
it was you haven t changed yeah i was just talking and then i was but it was 10 white and so everyone gathers on i go and they re like fight i m like no no no there s no fight here you know and then and then i go nice to see everyone i m gonna take off and i go i gotta get out of here it hits me again on the way and i go uh so then i walk across
3
SPEAKER_02
the gravel to my friend s mom s car.
3
SPEAKER_02
I go, I feel like the manly move is to get in their car and lock the doors and hide until the game s over.
3
SPEAKER_02
And then maybe they ll all go away.
3
SPEAKER_02
And then I get to the door and it was like slow motion.
3
SPEAKER_02
It was locked.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, no.
3
SPEAKER_02
It s an old Chevelle.
3
SPEAKER_02
And I go, mother fucker.
3
SPEAKER_02
And I turn around.
3
SPEAKER_02
I go, hit me three times at this point.
3
SPEAKER_02
And I was looking like a big fool.
3
SPEAKER_02
And I turn around and I go, and here comes my dad left me all my anger.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m looking humiliated.
3
SPEAKER_02
And then he tries to be cool and does a little rope-a-dope, like look around, he swings his hand up and then jabs me in the face.
3
SPEAKER_02
And that was it.
3
SPEAKER_02
And I laid a barrage on him and I backed him up and I kept hitting and he fell and I jumped on him and I started wailing on him.
3
SPEAKER_02
And then someone grabbed me and he stood up and goes, coach is coming.
3
SPEAKER_02
Coach wasn t coming.
3
SPEAKER_02
And he ran off and everyone said he won.
3
SPEAKER_02
I won.
3
SPEAKER_02
But I,
3
SPEAKER_00
still talk about this fight it rarely comes up maybe twice a week but i uh i i tell everyone about i heard it this morning did you guys remember seeing that cartoon when i was a kid it was it was it was a disney thing i think it was called it was a short but it was called lambert the friendly lion
3
SPEAKER_00
Did you guys ever see that?
3
SPEAKER_00
If you never saw it, I tell you this story because you guys should get it.
3
SPEAKER_00
You can Google it.
3
SPEAKER_00
Lambert the friendly lion.
3
SPEAKER_00
And what happened was, long story short, in a sheep, it was a shepherd and sheep on a hillside.
3
SPEAKER_00
And one night the stork makes a mistake and drops the baby lion in amongst the sheep.
3
SPEAKER_00
And the mother, a mother who didn t have any,
3
SPEAKER_00
sheep, you know, takes the lion in.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so he s raised as a sheep.
3
SPEAKER_00
And again, he s like a sheep.
3
SPEAKER_00
He s afraid of the wolf.
3
SPEAKER_00
The wolf comes by, they re all terrified.
3
SPEAKER_00
He s shaking, you know, this wolf.
3
SPEAKER_00
But the kicker was that the wolf backs the mother out on a precipice where she can t go anywhere.
3
SPEAKER_00
He s got it.
3
SPEAKER_00
The wolf s going to kill her.
3
SPEAKER_00
And all of a sudden you hear this fucking roar.
3
SPEAKER_00
just behind the wolf, and the wolf s hair goes up, you know, and he turns around, it s this salivating fucking killer male lion, you know.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s just great.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s just great.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s like, that s what reminds me.
3
SPEAKER_00
That was me.
3
SPEAKER_00
That was you.
3
SPEAKER_00
You got pushed to where, you know, you d rather take a beating.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like my father used to tell me when I was a kid, look, if you get pushed into it, never back down.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s better to take a beating, because the beating will heal.
3
SPEAKER_00
The back down thing will never go away.
3
SPEAKER_02
My dad told me there s some shit I won t eat.
3
SPEAKER_02
And he goes, believe me, Davey, I eat shit every day.
3
SPEAKER_02
I eat shit at work.
3
SPEAKER_02
I eat shit at home.
3
SPEAKER_02
Your mom gives me shit.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, he does.
3
SPEAKER_02
But now and then he goes, I can t take it.
3
SPEAKER_02
And he goes, that s what happened to you.
3
SPEAKER_02
You couldn t take it.
3
SPEAKER_00
Well, your father was quite a character.
3
SPEAKER_00
Those stories on your dad are hilarious.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, they re so hilarious.
3
SPEAKER_02
And that s why.
3
SPEAKER_02
That s one thing I go, thanks, Dad.
3
SPEAKER_02
Meanwhile, you re probably the reason I got beat up and I m a pussy.
3
SPEAKER_02
But thank you.
3
SPEAKER_02
Ed, you re rich.
3
SPEAKER_02
He s rich.
3
SPEAKER_02
No, I know he s rich, but how long was it between, you did Married with Children, and then how long was it between that and Modern Family?
3
SPEAKER_00
Well, it was 86 to 96 and a half or something like that.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then there was that interim where I did like... Dragnet.
3
SPEAKER_00
I did Dragnet.
3
SPEAKER_00
I did...
3
SPEAKER_00
the tooth series with David Milch, I did Big Apple, the surf movie, the dysfunctional surf family down in San Diego.
3
SPEAKER_02
I think he s got Bezos money now.
3
SPEAKER_02
I think it s more like you re going to open a rocket ship company because all that first pile of money and then another pile of money
3
SPEAKER_01
Well, it s I looked at it because I had to add it up.
3
SPEAKER_01
He had to add it up because I think it s a Guinness Guinness Book of World Records, probably four hundred and fifty nine episodes between Married with Children.
3
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
3
SPEAKER_01
And Modern Family.
3
SPEAKER_01
And my question for Ed is when you dream, do you dream as Ed Bundy or you dream as Jay Pritchell?
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t dream as either one.
3
SPEAKER_00
But you know, the funny thing is, I remember when that that happened, and I got a phone call from one of the news agencies.
3
SPEAKER_00
I didn t know about it.
3
SPEAKER_00
And they said, you just eclipsed Lucille Ball s record of shows, you know, for her, you know, how many of mugging she had done, whatever it was, I was like one, one above her.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I said, I said, okay.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_00
So what do you think about that?
3
SPEAKER_00
I mean, isn t that amazing?
3
SPEAKER_00
And I said, well, it s probably should have been a crossword puzzle question.
3
SPEAKER_00
But you re not saying I was better than Lucille Ball, are you?
3
SPEAKER_00
No.
3
SPEAKER_00
You re saying I did one more show.
3
SPEAKER_00
At present date, I ve done one more show.
3
SPEAKER_00
So, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
Did you, I mean, like say your first, the pilot or the first episode of Married with Children.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
And this is your first big star of the show.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, yeah, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
First big.
3
SPEAKER_01
Which I love that show.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s so loose and weird and you re all great.
3
SPEAKER_01
you know, what was the guy walked off that show?
3
SPEAKER_01
I mean, how much did you change like as an actor or performer or you got wealthy, you got famous?
3
SPEAKER_01
I mean, that s such a tsunami in a life, you know, and you re married and I mean, it s just, it s intense.
3
SPEAKER_01
I mean, were you nervous during the pilot and stuff?
3
SPEAKER_00
It kind of like was a, it kind of happened in waves, you know, like,
3
SPEAKER_00
The first three years, I think we were just trying to survive.
3
SPEAKER_00
We couldn t believe we were going to be on another season.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then they slowly started picking us up for like, you know, I don t know, five years, I think was the biggest pickup.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then I thought, well, you know, that s good.
3
SPEAKER_00
I mean, we don t win anything, but we re running, you know, we re running and we re keeping Fox in the black, which was kind of good for them.
3
SPEAKER_00
And us.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I just thought of myself like, wow, this is really luck.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, this is lucky.
3
SPEAKER_00
And.
3
SPEAKER_00
I never thought much about it, honestly, I wasn t I would I would I always have this kind of like one track thing where it s like, what s this week?
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, where are we?
3
SPEAKER_00
Let me see the script.
3
SPEAKER_00
OK.
3
SPEAKER_01
Right.
3
SPEAKER_00
What s next week?
3
SPEAKER_00
I didn t know when I got that.
3
SPEAKER_00
I never.
3
SPEAKER_00
I never thought about it much.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t know why.
3
SPEAKER_01
It starts out very humbly, doesn t it?
3
SPEAKER_01
I mean, did you kind of break even your first year between housing costs?
3
SPEAKER_00
I wasn t making it.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think I was making it.
4
SPEAKER_02
No, you never make money.
4
SPEAKER_00
12, I think I was making 12, five an episode the first couple of years.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then I met with Bernie.
4
SPEAKER_00
I met with Bernie, right?
4
SPEAKER_00
Bernie Burstein, the famous talent man.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it was Jim Wyatt.
4
SPEAKER_00
Cause I was with ICM and Jim Wyatt arranged this thing.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I said, you know, I don t want to be impertinent, but what do I need you guys for?
4
SPEAKER_00
You know, I ve got, I ve got a show.
4
SPEAKER_00
I ve got a show that s running.
4
SPEAKER_02
And then you leaned over and got an angle on Bernie.
4
SPEAKER_00
Why do I have to pay you now, too?
4
SPEAKER_00
I ve already got the show.
4
SPEAKER_00
And Bernie, you know how Bernie was, you know, it s a good question.
4
SPEAKER_00
He said, you know what, though?
4
SPEAKER_00
What if I told you that the next door neighbor is making a lot more money than you are?
4
SPEAKER_00
Would that surprise you?
4
SPEAKER_00
I said, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
It would.
4
SPEAKER_02
Well, Bernie, Bernie, Bernie was pretty honest.
4
SPEAKER_02
He came out in the press and said, anybody who gives 20% of the salary salary away is out of their fucking mind.
4
SPEAKER_02
And Brad Gray had to meet with him and go, Bernie, we got to take it easy with this stuff.
4
SPEAKER_00
And Brad was in the room.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then I think the upshot was Bernie said, OK, this is the deal.
4
SPEAKER_00
You come with me.
4
SPEAKER_00
You re going to make a shitload of money.
4
SPEAKER_00
you re gonna have a good time and I m gonna teach you the business.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I said, you know, I was doubled up.
4
SPEAKER_00
I mean, there was my agent.
4
SPEAKER_00
I said, well, here I am, I m, you know, I m given to him.
4
SPEAKER_00
So I said, sure, fine.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I always enjoyed.
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, I never felt they knew what to do with me, ever.
4
SPEAKER_00
I mean, every job I ever got,
4
SPEAKER_00
with them, I basically got on my own.
4
SPEAKER_00
Because, you know, no, because what I mean is that they do creative management.
4
SPEAKER_00
No, no, what I mean is, it was like, like you guys had had had shows that they created for you, right?
4
SPEAKER_00
Kind of.
4
SPEAKER_00
I mean, the ownership of Saturday Night Live, David, they created a show around you.
4
SPEAKER_00
They knew how to do that for certain people.
4
SPEAKER_00
They just didn t know.
4
SPEAKER_00
I don t believe they knew how to do it for me, because they didn t really know what I was.
4
SPEAKER_00
You know, I wasn t a stand-up comic.
4
SPEAKER_00
I never did stand-up.
4
SPEAKER_00
I wasn t even a comedic actor when I got married with children, although I had done comedy in the theater.
4
SPEAKER_00
But they didn t know that.
4
SPEAKER_00
And so they didn t know what to do with me.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I don t blame them, by the way.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s like it was like a difficult.
4
SPEAKER_00
Maybe a difficult sell, you know?
4
SPEAKER_02
Who would be the easiest sell of an actor, comedian, coming into an agent s manager office in the 80s?
4
SPEAKER_02
Would it have been like Kevin Costner or something?
4
SPEAKER_02
Or Harrison Ford in 1980?
4
SPEAKER_02
Eddie Murphy.
4
SPEAKER_02
Leading man.
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, Eddie Murphy for sure, because he was sexy.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
And he was funny.
4
SPEAKER_00
Brilliant.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s gotten me pretty far.
4
SPEAKER_00
Chris Walken, Chris Walken s hilarious.
4
SPEAKER_00
But again, nobody- He s hard too.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, he s hard because he s so peculiar.
4
SPEAKER_00
When he did Deer Hunter, that wasn t funny.
4
SPEAKER_00
I think people discovered Chris was funny and decided he was funny, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
Wow.
4
SPEAKER_02
No, I was, I was the same thing.
4
SPEAKER_02
I wasn t a leading man.
4
SPEAKER_02
I don t know how to act.
4
SPEAKER_02
I m kind of funny.
4
SPEAKER_02
I, you know, where do you put me?
4
SPEAKER_02
You know, I m just glad I live long enough for this digital technology that this is my job.
4
SPEAKER_02
I mean, said Sid Caesar would have had one of these.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh God.
4
SPEAKER_00
So Caesar was one of my favorites.
4
SPEAKER_00
Brilliant.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
Ever meet, ever meet Sid Caesar?
4
SPEAKER_00
I never met him.
4
SPEAKER_00
I was in the room with him a couple of times where he was, uh,
4
SPEAKER_00
But I didn t meet him.
4
SPEAKER_00
I wish I had.
4
SPEAKER_02
He was intimidating.
4
SPEAKER_02
He was at an airport.
4
SPEAKER_02
And he goes, oh yeah, you re on that show.
4
SPEAKER_02
He goes, how many shows you do a season?
4
20.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, we did 55.
4
SPEAKER_02
You know, he s like.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, that s how he was.
4
SPEAKER_00
I don t think he was any day at the beach, you know.
4
SPEAKER_00
And he was a big, strong guy.
4
SPEAKER_00
I love that term.
4
SPEAKER_00
He was a big, strong guy too.
4
SPEAKER_00
When he was young, he was a scary guy.
4
SPEAKER_00
But my God, he was funny.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
You know, I don t think anybody has ever done that.
4
SPEAKER_00
that talk that, you know, what do they call it?
4
SPEAKER_00
You know, where he speaks in a language and it s not a language.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh yeah, the fake.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, he s still going.
4
SPEAKER_01
I can do it, but he s the best.
4
SPEAKER_01
He s the best.
4
SPEAKER_01
Like his, his samurai, you know, that Belushi took, Belushi stole from him.
4
SPEAKER_00
Really?
4
SPEAKER_00
His samurai was better than anything you ve ever seen.
4
SPEAKER_00
Did you ever see him do the samurai?
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh, he was doing the whole, like Belushi did and all that.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, wait, well, that s where Belushi got it from, Sid Caesar.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, really?
4
SPEAKER_00
It was insane.
4
SPEAKER_00
And his Italian was the best I ever heard.
4
SPEAKER_00
His Italian was.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh.
4
SPEAKER_00
It was fantastic.
4
SPEAKER_00
You can actually Google Sid Caesar speaking four different languages at a Bob Hope
4
SPEAKER_00
They re honoring Bob Hope, and he gets out and starts in French, and then German, and then Italian, and then he ends up with the Japanese.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s phenomenal.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
And he was the first too.
4
SPEAKER_02
I mean, right, right there with sketch.
4
SPEAKER_00
I read his book.
4
SPEAKER_00
You know, I don t know if you saw his book.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s okay.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s not great, but he talks about, well, no, I mean, it s okay.
4
SPEAKER_00
Some of the stories were good, but he was, he was good with the accents.
4
SPEAKER_02
Maybe not.
4
SPEAKER_00
Adjectives.
4
SPEAKER_00
He was sober for a long time.
4
SPEAKER_00
And, uh, his wife said, you know, now that you re sober, we should travel.
4
SPEAKER_00
You know, you re retired.
4
SPEAKER_00
And he said, well, where?
4
SPEAKER_00
I said, how about Australia?
4
SPEAKER_00
He said, yeah, I ve always wanted to go there.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then he came to find out he had toured Australia.
4
SPEAKER_00
You know, at one point in time, he was so fucked up.
4
SPEAKER_00
He just remembered he was there.
4
SPEAKER_02
I m just interested in bitterness in our business, like how to avoid it.
4
SPEAKER_02
Because I work with Mickey Rooney.
4
SPEAKER_02
It was the most bitter human being I ve ever met.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I worked with Mickey too.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, so so bitter, right?
4
SPEAKER_02
What year did you work with him?
4
SPEAKER_00
I worked with him.
4
SPEAKER_00
He came up to me the last time I saw him.
4
SPEAKER_00
I was at Malibu.
4
SPEAKER_00
You know, what was that restaurant?
4
SPEAKER_00
Trattanoi sitting outside with some friends.
4
SPEAKER_00
And he came over.
4
SPEAKER_00
And he said.
4
SPEAKER_00
You know, I m trying to I m trying to get a fucking show off the ground with Debbie Reynolds.
4
SPEAKER_00
You know, she s got the hotel in Vegas done very well for herself.
4
SPEAKER_00
I d like to do Tugboat Annie with Debbie Reynolds.
4
SPEAKER_00
I can t get past these Jew producers.
4
SPEAKER_00
I don t understand why they won t give me.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, he was like outraged.
4
SPEAKER_00
I said, Mickey, Mickey, he said, now you know these.
4
SPEAKER_00
I know I m only coming to you because I know you know television producers.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I said, yeah, but I said, I ll bring it up.
4
SPEAKER_00
I was thinking I was with Ron Leavitt, you know, Ron Leavitt, Michael Moy from
4
SPEAKER_00
married with children.
4
SPEAKER_00
So I said, Well, I ll bring it up.
4
SPEAKER_00
He s 90 years old, practically, you know.
4
SPEAKER_00
They re fucking with me.
4
SPEAKER_00
They re fucking with me.
4
SPEAKER_00
He said, Gene Kelly.
4
SPEAKER_00
Gene Kelly had just died.
4
SPEAKER_00
National treasure.
4
SPEAKER_00
Gene.
4
SPEAKER_00
I knew Gene very well.
4
SPEAKER_00
Judy Garland.
4
SPEAKER_00
Same thing.
4
SPEAKER_02
Look at who you re rolling with.
4
SPEAKER_02
We learned a lot today, Ed.
4
SPEAKER_02
Judy Garland never owned a car.
4
SPEAKER_02
You do non sequiturs because they pumped her so full of drugs and he would talk until he couldn t breathe.
4
SPEAKER_00
He said, they call me, he said, Gene s a national treasure.
4
SPEAKER_00
That s what they re saying.
4
SPEAKER_00
And he was.
4
SPEAKER_00
And when I die,
4
SPEAKER_00
They ll say the same thing about me, that I m a national treasure.
4
SPEAKER_00
They won t hire me for shit.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, they won t treat him like a treasure.
4
SPEAKER_00
He couldn t get a job, you know, he couldn t get a job.
4
SPEAKER_02
Ed, did you, okay, sorry, you got more with that?
4
SPEAKER_02
No, that s good.
4
SPEAKER_02
Did you ever, did you ever run into an old time movie star you would have been blown away with that said they were a fan of yours, like Burt Lancaster or something?
4
SPEAKER_00
Yes, not Burt Lancaster.
4
SPEAKER_00
Not Burt, okay, I m just throwing him out.
4
SPEAKER_00
No, you know who it was, it was Ernest Bordenite.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
And and that was great.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then James Arness, James Arness, but it came in directly.
4
SPEAKER_00
It came from his brother, you know, his brother who had Mission Impossible.
4
SPEAKER_00
What was his name?
4
SPEAKER_00
You know.
4
SPEAKER_00
Did you know he had a brother that was a different name?
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, something Arnes.
4
SPEAKER_02
The reason I thought about that is because I had a weird one recently with Gene Kelly, which blew my mind because Lovett s we were playing Vegas and he went to some party and he met Gene Kelly s widow.
4
SPEAKER_02
And as John says, and she said, make sure you tell Dana that Gene loved his Bush impression.
4
SPEAKER_02
He d tell everyone to be quiet when Dana was on.
4
SPEAKER_02
So just the idea that Gene Kelly knew who I was, was saying my name out loud, be quiet, Dana s on, blew my mind.
4
SPEAKER_01
David?
5
SPEAKER_00
his house one night, Dana, I was invited.
5
SPEAKER_00
This woman that I knew was friends with his wife.
5
SPEAKER_00
I can t remember her first name, but she was quite a bit younger, as you know, right?
5
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
And they lived on Rodeo Drive on the flat.
5
SPEAKER_00
So I thought I want to meet
5
SPEAKER_00
you know, I want to meet Gene Kelly.
5
SPEAKER_00
So I go and you know how it worked, they would have like once a week, she d have dinners and invited various people to amuse Gene, you know, to like, you know, keep him active mentally.
5
SPEAKER_00
And then he d be upstairs and they d have the cocktail hour and then he d come down with a big long dinner table.
5
SPEAKER_00
And so I was introduced to him along with, you know, 15 other people.
5
SPEAKER_00
And he had no clue who I was.
5
SPEAKER_00
But he said,
5
SPEAKER_00
O Neill, Irish.
5
SPEAKER_00
I said, yeah, yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
Where are you from?
5
SPEAKER_00
I said, Youngstown, Ohio.
5
SPEAKER_00
Youngstown, Ohio, yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
Well, you know, I m from Pittsburgh.
5
SPEAKER_00
I said, I know that, Mr. Keller.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, well, I was from Pittsburgh.
5
SPEAKER_00
I used to play these gangster clubs in Sharon, PA.
5
SPEAKER_00
I said, oh yeah, I had a girlfriend once that lived in Sharon, PA.
5
SPEAKER_00
I used to drive down there, you know, three or four times a week.
5
SPEAKER_00
I said, Sharon, you drove to Sharon?
5
SPEAKER_00
The fuck are you telling me you drove to Sharon?
5
SPEAKER_00
Sharon s 150 fucking miles from Pittsburgh or from Youngstown.
5
SPEAKER_00
I said, no, no, no, it s just over the line.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s like 10 miles.
5
SPEAKER_00
Jesus Christ, this fucking kid, he s from Ohio, he s telling me where Sharon, Pennsylvania is.
5
SPEAKER_00
He was mad.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I m at the other end of the table.
5
SPEAKER_00
So I mean, he s going over everybody else to tell me what a stupid asshole I was.
5
SPEAKER_00
So I finally said to him, well, maybe there s two Sharon s, you know, there s not two Sharon s.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
And he won t let you off the fucking hook.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m going to make this short.
5
SPEAKER_00
He saw this.
5
SPEAKER_00
He talked about a lot of other things.
5
SPEAKER_00
You know, Fred Astaire.
5
SPEAKER_00
Great stories.
5
SPEAKER_00
Phenomenal stories.
5
SPEAKER_00
You know, the guy knew everybody, the Pope s, you know, the whole thing.
5
SPEAKER_00
So at the end of the evening, he walked every he was very gracious now, you know,
5
SPEAKER_00
he walked everybody out to their cars, valets, and now it s my turn with my friend and he says, he was calling me Irish now, you know, hey Irish, you got off on the wrong foot.
5
SPEAKER_00
But you know, I like it, I like something about you, you know, you re all right, Youngstown, Irish.
5
SPEAKER_00
Come back anytime, anytime you tell so-and-so, okay, I go home,
5
SPEAKER_00
And I had an assistant and I said, get a fucking map, a scale map, Youngstown to Sharon, PA, and make it very clear and mail it to this, or hand delivered to this address on Rodale Drive.
5
SPEAKER_00
So he did.
5
SPEAKER_00
Two weeks go by, I thought this was a bad move, you know?
5
SPEAKER_00
And then I get a hand delivered note.
5
SPEAKER_00
I ve got it right here.
5
SPEAKER_00
It actually shows,
5
SPEAKER_00
I could show it to you.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s Gene Kelly.
5
SPEAKER_00
Stationary, Gene Kelly.
5
SPEAKER_00
Dear Ed, they must ve moved Sharon Diaz.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I got it.
5
SPEAKER_00
He said, listen, the rolling rock, which is a beer in Pittsburgh, the rolling rock and the humble pie are on me.
5
SPEAKER_00
your friend, Gene Kelly.
5
SPEAKER_00
So I ve got that.
5
SPEAKER_00
Of course, I framed it.
5
SPEAKER_00
Now, I called his wife.
5
SPEAKER_00
I pushed it.
5
SPEAKER_00
I called his wife and I said, boy, I told her, such a great, so gracious.
5
SPEAKER_00
She said, hey, that did not come easy.
5
SPEAKER_00
He was up there poring over his maps, motherfucking and cursing and everything.
5
SPEAKER_00
And finally he realized that he was wrong about where Sharon Pierre was.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s a great story though, right?
5
SPEAKER_02
Well, I think that what I m getting from today is behind the scenes, kids, people who want to get into show business, everybody behind the scenes is basically a guy who talks like this.
5
SPEAKER_02
What the fuck s the matter with you?
5
SPEAKER_02
Get over here, you son of a bitch.
5
SPEAKER_02
Even Gene Kelly singing in the rain.
5
SPEAKER_02
He s like, what the fuck?
5
SPEAKER_00
Get your head out of your ass, you prick.
5
SPEAKER_00
Exactly, exactly.
5
SPEAKER_01
Thank you for talking to us.
5
SPEAKER_01
And I have to tell you, I learned a lot today.
5
SPEAKER_01
that Ed, after 480 episodes, is more humble than I was after one 1-800 commercial.
5
SPEAKER_02
I take away, Ed is nice until he s not nice.
5
SPEAKER_02
And you never want to meet that guy.
5
SPEAKER_02
That s my takeaway.
5
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Well, you know, I mean, look, now, who knows?
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I mean, it s like, you know, I m to an age now where I better watch myself.
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Yeah, I got money on you.
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Don t worry.
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You know, it was it was just the way it was only it s just the way you grow up.
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You know, you just grow up a certain way.
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And and and that s it.
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No, that s awesome.
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I m going to start recording now.
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Yeah, because we re so.
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Yeah, well, that s that s really started.
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And thank you.
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And I think this will this will make a good eight minute show.
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All right.
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Bye, guys.
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Thank you very much.
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You guys.
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Hey, what s up, flies?
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What s up, fleas?
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What s up, people that listen?
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We wanna hear from you and your dumb questions.
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Questions, ask us anything.
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Anything you want.
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You can email us at flyonthewallatcadence13.com.
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Hey David, we get letters, as you know.
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And fans of the podcast like to ask us questions.
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This is from Robert Prince.
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Hey guys, I ve always loved the SNL opening credits montage and was wondering what your memories are shooting them.
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Do you have any say in the location or what you d be doing during your part?
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Thanks, Robert in San Antonio.
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So what was your little video thing?
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I thought this question was about my vintage OP jacket.
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On sale now, wherever you find your jackets.
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Wherever you find overpriced jackets.
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This is, I like this because the opening montage, it s always pretty much the same.
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They pick a theme.
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It s always a night shoot.
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You don t care because you just got an SNL and you got to pick out what to wear and all.
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I wore my own shirt.
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Sandler looked cool and I used to always bust his balls because he kind of turned the game.
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And I go, no, no, no.
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Does a little, yeah.
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He s like, hey, what s going on?
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What do you got going?
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And when I come, I m like this, ah, showbiz.
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I was like JonBenet, I really gave into it.
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But you do a couple.
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So he put me in front of a bar or something with lights, Jim Signorelli probably, right?
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SPEAKER_02
Jim Signorelli, probably.
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I had to just run around a corner and kind of run down a stairwell near a subway or something.
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Oh, is that yours?
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And then stop on a dime.
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And then I don t even know if I looked up or anything.
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I think we were just playing like Cinema Verite.
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Yeah, every year they did a different type of theme.
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Yeah, I was an action figure.
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You were kind of stagnant.
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What s going on around town?
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We had like 22 guys to cover.
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Weren t you sitting on a bike rack and then you just turned the camera and go a thumbs up?
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No, I was in the basket.
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Dana pops out behind me, and Dana Carvey.
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You were like E.T., you were in the basket up front, and I was riding the bike.
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E.T., phone home.
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It s sort of like, as in like Gilligan s Island, they go, Dana Carvey, Dennis Miller, and the rest.
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And then it s all of us.
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Gilligan s Island.
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Yeah, you know how they fucked the professor in Marianne?
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SPEAKER_02
Oh yeah.
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Oh, I remember Marianne.
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The professor Anne, Marianne.
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I m Thurston Howard III, I can t believe we re on the sidelines.
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What was that guy?
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Oh, he was great.
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SPEAKER_02
Someone told me there s only like 12 episodes.
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I go, no fucking way.
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There wasn t that many though.
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SPEAKER_02
No, Bob Denver would not sit down for 12 episodes.
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He wouldn t do jack shit.
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That dandy was gonna, yeah, that was a great show.
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I love those 60s sitcoms.
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I loved it, it was so simple.
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Damn it.
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Now it s all bleh.
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So I like the opening credits, but the sad thing was,
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When I got there for my first show, I told this story when I did my first Michael J. Fox impression.
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I think it was just a photo we did with Edie Baskin.
5
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So it s a, I m featuring David Spade, and they just show a photo of us until we got in the real montage.
5
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I did it and they forgot to put the photo up.
5
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I can t wait to yell at Kenny Amon because all we do is say what a nice guy he is and he s the best guy in the world.
5
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But I know he feels horrible because David, David, I forgot.
5
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So they didn t put me in so no one knew it was me doing it.
5
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So at the beginning of the show, my one time to be
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and it didn t happen.
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And then the next year, I think I did the video opening there.
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That s all.
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Well, Lovitz was giving me a tour because he was on Saturday Night Live and I got on Saturday Night Live.
5
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So we re walking around.
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Jealous?
5
SPEAKER_02
Walking around 8H and Hizba, you get your changes and there s the stage.
5
SPEAKER_02
And Dom Pardo was there that day.
5
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And I was kind of nervous just seeing him and everything.
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I know I might ve said this before, but John,
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John goes, say his name, Don, say it.
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SPEAKER_02
What do you mean?
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His name s Dana Carvey, say it.
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I go, John, he doesn t have to do that.
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So then he does go, Dana Carvey.
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And just gave me chills.
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I broke out into a cold sweat and I fit myself in a little ball and started sobbing.
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You got yourself into a shoebox, I heard.
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You curled and curled.
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The nerves of that show, man.
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The noise.
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Just walking in there, it just gets you tense.
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Oh, you walk through there, it s like walking through the high school you went to on a Sunday afternoon.
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SPEAKER_02
I got beat up every day.
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SPEAKER_02
Well, yeah, you get shook down.
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SPEAKER_02
They put you up against the wall and give me your lunch money.
6
SPEAKER_02
Then our coach said, just start swinging.
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SPEAKER_02
I don t care how big the guy is.
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Don Pardo once stole money from me and pushed me down and said, don t tell the Lord.
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SPEAKER_01
I want your lunch money!
6
SPEAKER_01
Come here, you little pussy!
6
SPEAKER_01
You ve got more than that.
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SPEAKER_01
I know what you get here.
6
SPEAKER_01
I m Don Pyle.
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And I ll fuck you up.
6
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I ll fuck you up!
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And drop your trousers, David!
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Okay.
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Sorry.
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Thank you for that question.
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Sorry, now I m going blue.
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I love it.
6
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That means we re gonna get sued.
6
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We re cancelled, sued.
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This has been a podcast presentation of Cadence 13.
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Please listen, then rate, review, and follow all episodes.
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Available now for free wherever you get your podcast.
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No joke, folks.
6
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Fly on the Wall has been a presentation of Cadence 13, executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Chris Corcoran of Cadence 13, and Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment.
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The show s lead producer is Greg Holtzman, with production and engineering support from Serena Regan and Chris Basil of Cadence 13.