0
SPEAKER_00
Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert.
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SPEAKER_00
I m Dax Shepard, I m joined by Miss Monica Maus.
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SPEAKER_04
Hello.
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SPEAKER_00
Miss Monica.
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SPEAKER_00
Hi.
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SPEAKER_00
I have been looking so forward to this guest for six and a half years.
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SPEAKER_00
Yes.
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SPEAKER_00
And we finally got her, and then the version of which we got her could not be more exceptional.
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SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_00
I m not gonna ruin any of it for you.
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SPEAKER_00
You ll hear all of it, but it s an interview that shouldn t have happened that happened.
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SPEAKER_04
Yes, through sheer will.
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SPEAKER_00
Yes.
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SPEAKER_00
Tiffany Haddish.
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SPEAKER_00
I love Tiffany Haddish so much.
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SPEAKER_00
She s an award-winning actor, a stand-up comedian, and a best-selling author.
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SPEAKER_00
You love her in Girls Trip, Night School, The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent, Haunted Mansion, The After Party.
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SPEAKER_00
You probably read her book, The Last Black Unicorn.
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SPEAKER_00
And she has a new essay collection out tomorrow called I Curse You with Joy.
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SPEAKER_00
So check out I Curse You with Joy.
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SPEAKER_00
It s phenomenal.
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SPEAKER_00
It s out tomorrow.
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SPEAKER_00
Please enjoy Tiffany Haddish.
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SPEAKER_04
He s an armchair expert.
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SPEAKER_04
He s an armchair expert.
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SPEAKER_04
He s an armchair expert.
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SPEAKER_04
We have spearmint tea.
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SPEAKER_03
Yeah, that s the same thing.
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SPEAKER_03
That s the thing.
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SPEAKER_00
That s Monica s favorite.
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SPEAKER_00
You ever see these?
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SPEAKER_04
Oh, yeah.
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SPEAKER_00
With the dates and stuff.
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SPEAKER_00
They re good.
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SPEAKER_03
I m not really hungry, though.
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SPEAKER_00
Can I put them next to you?
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, you can put them right here.
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SPEAKER_00
I m kind of worried about you.
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SPEAKER_04
You are?
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SPEAKER_04
Yes, of course.
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SPEAKER_04
Well, you re a trooper, I got to say.
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SPEAKER_00
I think I would have been like, I m rescheduled.
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SPEAKER_00
I should probably offer to just come back tomorrow.
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SPEAKER_03
But I can t.
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SPEAKER_03
I don t have time tomorrow.
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SPEAKER_00
Well, then you got to come.
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SPEAKER_03
When that car spinned around, I was like, if this thing flips over.
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SPEAKER_00
What do we do next?
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SPEAKER_03
How am I gonna flip this myself?
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SPEAKER_00
That s what I thought.
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SPEAKER_03
And then I was just like... God, I m glad you re okay.
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SPEAKER_04
I m fine.
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SPEAKER_04
Do you have one of those seat belt cutters slash window smashers?
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SPEAKER_03
No, I don t have that.
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SPEAKER_04
You need to get that.
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SPEAKER_03
I just got one.
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SPEAKER_03
I don t get in car accidents often.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah, you ve been driving this car for six years.
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SPEAKER_00
This was your first.
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SPEAKER_03
The worst in that car is maybe backing up into a yellow pole.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah, sure.
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SPEAKER_03
That happens.
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SPEAKER_03
Or the Beverly Hills Hotel, when you come out that parking structure.
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SPEAKER_03
Is that the Beverly Hills Hotel right there where the Grammy parties be at?
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SPEAKER_00
Yes, but when you were saying that, I have to admit, I was picturing Chateau, which is a disaster.
0
SPEAKER_03
Oh, that one sucks.
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SPEAKER_00
Have you ever pulled into the Chateau?
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SPEAKER_03
No, I don t even mess around pulling in over there.
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SPEAKER_03
It s so scary.
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SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_00
You re better off just leaving it on sunset and walking up the hill.
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SPEAKER_03
Yeah, that s mostly what I do.
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SPEAKER_03
I park at the lab factory and walk down.
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SPEAKER_00
That s clever.
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SPEAKER_03
So it s 138 days.
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SPEAKER_00
That s a long fucking time.
0
SPEAKER_03
And that interview that I did, I think it was in January.
0
SPEAKER_03
So then it came out at the beginning of February or something like that.
0
SPEAKER_03
And I think I said it s been like 49 days or something like that.
0
SPEAKER_03
So whenever that was.
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SPEAKER_00
So what s interesting though is you chose to do that then right before the holidays.
0
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, it was like November something.
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SPEAKER_00
Is that mega for you?
0
SPEAKER_00
I m an addict.
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SPEAKER_00
So that s a long time.
0
SPEAKER_03
I don t think I m an addict, because it doesn t bother me.
0
SPEAKER_00
Which is shocking.
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SPEAKER_03
I m maybe a workaholic.
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SPEAKER_03
Here goes my things that I m addicted to.
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SPEAKER_00
Give me your isms.
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SPEAKER_03
I m a workaholic.
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SPEAKER_03
I am a laughaholic.
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SPEAKER_00
That s a good one.
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SPEAKER_03
I need to hear laughs.
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SPEAKER_03
I need to be laughing.
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SPEAKER_03
If a day goes by and I don t hear somebody laughing, or if I don t laugh, it s going to be hell on earth.
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SPEAKER_03
OK?
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SPEAKER_03
It s going to be a problem.
0
SPEAKER_03
It s dark.
0
SPEAKER_03
I ll get to the point by the end of the day, I m like, I didn t hear anybody laughing today.
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SPEAKER_03
I pull up a YouTube video, and just baby s laughing.
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SPEAKER_03
Whenever I get down or whatever, baby s laughing.
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SPEAKER_03
It clears the energy.
0
SPEAKER_00
They do have the best laughs.
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SPEAKER_03
The best laughs in the world is contagious.
0
SPEAKER_00
It s the realest.
0
SPEAKER_03
So I tried to not eat meat for like 30 days and I was doing good and then I m definitely addicted to meat and it s definitely chicken I gotta fucking have and pastrami.
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SPEAKER_03
I love pastrami.
0
SPEAKER_00
Have you gone to Langer s?
0
SPEAKER_03
Yes, I ve been to Langer s.
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SPEAKER_03
That s in New York.
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SPEAKER_00
Right by MacArthur Park.
0
SPEAKER_03
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
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SPEAKER_00
That s like 85 years old.
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SPEAKER_00
Yes, yes, yes.
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SPEAKER_00
Because if you had not been there.
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SPEAKER_03
And they put the juice on there and all that.
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SPEAKER_00
That would be the first hang we would have is Langer s.
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SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
And it s time travel because everyone in there is 85 years old and it looks like 1972 in there and you feel like you time warped.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
0
SPEAKER_00
Okay, pastrami chicken.
0
SPEAKER_00
Candy, you like candy.
0
SPEAKER_03
I do like candy, but only around this time.
0
SPEAKER_00
That s not an ism, because you re about to have your period.
0
SPEAKER_03
Right now, I could go for some Sour Sticks or the Sour... Sour Straws?
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SPEAKER_03
Sour Powers.
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SPEAKER_03
Sour Powers.
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SPEAKER_03
What s Sour Powers?
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SPEAKER_04
The Sour Powers Strips.
0
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
0
SPEAKER_04
I don t know about this.
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SPEAKER_03
You don t know about the Sour Powers Strips?
0
SPEAKER_03
No.
0
SPEAKER_03
That you used to have to buy at the liquor store back in the day.
0
SPEAKER_03
You can get three for 25 cents.
0
SPEAKER_03
But I like that with pickle.
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SPEAKER_03
Like you wrap a pickle with the sour.
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SPEAKER_03
This is crazy.
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SPEAKER_03
Wow.
0
SPEAKER_03
Or stick a Jolly Rancher inside a pickle.
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SPEAKER_03
Or a mint inside a pickle.
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SPEAKER_03
Oh my god.
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SPEAKER_03
You re wild.
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SPEAKER_03
Around this time.
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SPEAKER_03
Or dip the pickle in Kool-Aid.
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SPEAKER_03
Like a real good dill pickle and you dip it in Kool-Aid powder.
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SPEAKER_03
Oh my lord.
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SPEAKER_00
That s one of the weirdest things.
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SPEAKER_03
One day I m gonna invite you to my house and you try it.
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SPEAKER_03
You re gonna be like, this is fucking dope.
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SPEAKER_03
If you like sweet and sour.
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SPEAKER_00
Well, I like sour.
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SPEAKER_00
I m more of a savory.
0
SPEAKER_00
Like the chicken, yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
I would never, I say that, but I was vegan for a year, but I would never again try to quit meat.
0
SPEAKER_00
That s a joke.
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SPEAKER_00
We re supposed to eat meat.
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SPEAKER_03
I don t think we are.
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SPEAKER_00
You know.
0
SPEAKER_00
No, we are.
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SPEAKER_03
I don t think we are.
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SPEAKER_00
Okay, let s have our first bite.
0
SPEAKER_03
Okay, let s do it.
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SPEAKER_03
By the way our teeth are shaped, I don t think we are.
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SPEAKER_00
You know why?
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SPEAKER_03
Can we pause for just a second?
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SPEAKER_03
Yeah, we can pause however.
0
SPEAKER_00
But we re gonna resume this because I got a knockout punch to that retort.
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SPEAKER_00
Hello?
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SPEAKER_03
Good afternoon, it s Tiffany here.
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SPEAKER_03
This is her.
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SPEAKER_02
Hi, Tiffany, good afternoon.
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SPEAKER_02
I had a service order for your Tesla.
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SPEAKER_02
Yes.
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SPEAKER_02
Are you at a safe location?
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SPEAKER_03
Yes, I m in a safe location.
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SPEAKER_03
My sister Tuesday is with the car right now because I had to be at work.
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SPEAKER_03
OK, it s going to be about 60 minutes because we- Good Lord, why 60 minutes?
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SPEAKER_03
Do you know how famous I am?
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SPEAKER_02
Oh, I m so sorry, dear.
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SPEAKER_03
It s all good.
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SPEAKER_03
Can I patch you in with my sister?
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SPEAKER_03
Sure.
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SPEAKER_03
OK, so she can know too?
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SPEAKER_02
Whose name is the membership under?
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SPEAKER_03
My name, Tiffany Haddish.
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SPEAKER_02
OK, you want to send me your membership card to this number?
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SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_03
Yeah, I ll send you my membership card.
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SPEAKER_03
What s your name?
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SPEAKER_01
My name is Mike.
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SPEAKER_03
Mike.
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SPEAKER_03
Are you going to be the one picking up the car, Mike?
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SPEAKER_01
No, it s going to be a driver.
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SPEAKER_03
You going to tell me who that is?
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SPEAKER_01
I m going to see which driver gets free, and I ll let you know.
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SPEAKER_01
Most likely, it s going to be either Carlos or David.
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SPEAKER_03
Carlos or David?
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SPEAKER_00
Send Carlos.
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SPEAKER_03
No, send David.
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SPEAKER_03
I like the name David.
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SPEAKER_00
No, David s lazy.
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SPEAKER_03
No, David s not lazy.
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SPEAKER_03
David is a good, strong name.
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SPEAKER_03
No, get Carlos on there.
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SPEAKER_03
He s a hater.
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SPEAKER_03
I m sorry.
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SPEAKER_03
Okay, I m gonna send you the insurance now.
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SPEAKER_01
And are you a AAA insurance also?
0
SPEAKER_01
No.
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SPEAKER_01
What insurance are you?
0
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, we re not allowed to say that on this show.
0
SPEAKER_03
We ll cut it out, we ll cut it out.
0
SPEAKER_03
I m actually doing a podcast at the same exact time, I m not worried.
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SPEAKER_01
One second, I m so sorry.
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SPEAKER_03
Stay for it.
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SPEAKER_03
We re not sponsored.
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SPEAKER_00
Don t say State Farm, we gotta... I don t even know the name of the numbers.
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SPEAKER_03
I gotta lock the number in to send.
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SPEAKER_03
I mma do this, copy that.
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SPEAKER_03
Then I mma do this.
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SPEAKER_00
Make this move.
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SPEAKER_03
I mma do this.
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SPEAKER_00
And then... Oh, don t do that.
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SPEAKER_03
Oh, I gotta do this.
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SPEAKER_00
Then I mma do this.
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SPEAKER_03
Then I mma do that.
0
SPEAKER_03
And then bam.
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SPEAKER_03
Don t be giving out my personal information.
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SPEAKER_00
You haven t given any yet.
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SPEAKER_00
I m sure Mike is panicked right now.
0
SPEAKER_03
Hello?
0
SPEAKER_03
The tow truck guy, he told me to hold on for a second.
0
SPEAKER_03
I wanted to merge him with you.
0
SPEAKER_03
Either David or Carlos is coming.
0
SPEAKER_03
He said it s going to be 60 minutes.
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SPEAKER_03
60 minutes?
0
SPEAKER_03
That s what the fuck I said.
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SPEAKER_03
Call me at 345.
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SPEAKER_03
That s what they had told her, but then he just called me and said 60 minutes, because he don t know.
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SPEAKER_00
Is that Tuesday?
0
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, it s Tuesday.
0
SPEAKER_03
Hey.
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SPEAKER_03
Dax said, hey.
0
SPEAKER_03
But he don t know if it s going to be Carlos or David that s going to be available.
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SPEAKER_03
So he done hung up on me now.
0
SPEAKER_03
I m going to send you his phone number so you can call him.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, all right.
0
SPEAKER_01
Send me his number.
0
SPEAKER_03
OK, love you.
0
SPEAKER_03
Bye.
0
SPEAKER_03
We can be done with the show now.
0
SPEAKER_03
That was perfect.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, talk about privilege.
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SPEAKER_03
Shoot, I ll be back to my car.
0
SPEAKER_00
before they even get to it.
0
SPEAKER_03
Be like, you know what, Jack, she s dropping off where you picked my ass up at.
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SPEAKER_03
This is some bullshit.
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SPEAKER_03
Where was we at?
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SPEAKER_00
Meat.
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SPEAKER_03
Why is meat important?
0
SPEAKER_00
Okay, you want me to tell you why our teeth aren t resembling those of other omnivores?
0
SPEAKER_03
Yes, because that s where I was about to go with it, with the teeth.
0
SPEAKER_00
Cooking.
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SPEAKER_00
We have been cooking meat for two and a half million years.
0
SPEAKER_00
So we didn t need to have those teeth.
0
SPEAKER_00
And those teeth are expensive.
0
SPEAKER_00
You have to dedicate a lot of nutrients and growth to them.
0
SPEAKER_00
So we don t have anything extra.
0
SPEAKER_00
We wouldn t carry around these big canines if we didn t need them.
0
SPEAKER_00
So since we ve been cooking meat for two and a half million years, cooking it allows us to eat it with these teeth.
0
SPEAKER_03
So our teeth have genetically modified, is what you re saying, because we ve been cooking meat.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, in the archaeological record, we know 100% humans have been eating meat forever.
0
SPEAKER_03
Mm-hmm.
0
SPEAKER_00
You re not buying it.
0
SPEAKER_00
I gotta tell her.
0
SPEAKER_03
I think humans eat bugs.
0
SPEAKER_00
Sure, they eat bugs.
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SPEAKER_00
Which is a meat.
0
SPEAKER_03
I think humans should be eating more vegetables.
0
SPEAKER_03
I feel like my teeth, okay, I don t know how your teeth is, white man, but my teeth like eating vegetables better than meat.
0
SPEAKER_03
But the way my intestines work, the way that the bacteria set up in my body, the parasites in my body, likes fried chicken and likes baked chicken.
1
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
And loves, loves, loves that chicken, that rotisserie.
1
SPEAKER_01
When it s all smoky and stuff and it s just spinning and spinning, the juice dripping off of it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oil s popping out the side.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I just want to lick the skin.
1
SPEAKER_01
When it s all, you know, crisp and everything.
1
SPEAKER_00
So juicy.
1
SPEAKER_00
We know, we know.
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t like blood.
1
SPEAKER_01
I do like red meat, but mostly just beef.
1
SPEAKER_00
Where are you at on steak?
1
SPEAKER_01
Well done.
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t want it to look like it s on this period at all.
1
SPEAKER_01
If I cut into it and anything pink come out, I don t want it.
1
SPEAKER_00
You re out.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m done.
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t even want to eat it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Wrap on that steak.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m going to eat around all the burned parts.
1
SPEAKER_01
I like my meat hard.
1
SPEAKER_00
Hard and not red.
1
SPEAKER_02
Should we let people in on what has happened?
1
SPEAKER_00
I think they might ve been able to reverse engineer what happened, but poor Tiffany was en route to the attic and got into an accident and was spun around violently.
1
SPEAKER_00
And we don t know one another, despite you think might ve met at an NFL event, but putting that aside, I don t think we know each other.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I said, I ll come pick you up.
1
SPEAKER_01
I think we actually met.
1
SPEAKER_01
I wanted to say, but then I don t want to hurt your feelings, but I think we was in jail together.
1
SPEAKER_00
OK, well, that s a lot more likely than us being at a Bellabat.
1
SPEAKER_01
Or I really want to say I seen you at this dope dealer s house that I used to date, but I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_00
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s probably true.
1
SPEAKER_00
That also is true.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s what I really want to say, but I don t want to put you on blast.
1
SPEAKER_01
But since you said you was an addict, I said, fuck it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, yeah, we go full.
1
SPEAKER_00
Listen, you know where we may have met, actually?
1
SPEAKER_00
Is at a CASA event.
1
SPEAKER_00
Have you been to CASA?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yes, that s exactly where it was.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yes, that s where it s at.
1
SPEAKER_00
It was an event.
1
SPEAKER_00
I hosted the CASA banquet maybe five years in a row.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I performed at it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_01
It was in the beginning, right when Girls Trip took off.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yep, and you told your story.
1
SPEAKER_01
Mm-hmm.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s what was weird.
1
SPEAKER_00
That actually solves everything.
1
SPEAKER_00
Because going into researching you, I don t know your story, but for some reason I knew it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Why do I know she was in foster care and ship?
1
SPEAKER_00
So I think it was the cost of that.
1
SPEAKER_01
It was the cost of that.
1
SPEAKER_00
Very different from an NFL event.
1
SPEAKER_01
And we kissed in the mouth.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yes, we did.
1
SPEAKER_00
I said, please don t tell my wife.
1
SPEAKER_00
And you said, I will never tell anyone until I m on your podcast.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then I kissed your wife in the mouth.
1
SPEAKER_01
And we saved so many foster kids.
1
SPEAKER_00
So many lives.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay, so you were in a car accident.
1
SPEAKER_00
I went and picked you up.
1
SPEAKER_00
There was an incredibly handsome guy, Justin, helping.
1
SPEAKER_00
When you show up at an accident like I just did, there s so many people around.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I m trying to figure out, who s she with?
1
SPEAKER_00
Was she in the car with anyone?
1
SPEAKER_01
I was by myself.
1
SPEAKER_00
Who s this handsome guy?
1
SPEAKER_00
There s some fans.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s a different experience when you re famous and you get in a car accident.
1
SPEAKER_01
I was trying to decide if I was going to act like I was fucked up.
1
SPEAKER_00
For them.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, when the car spun around, I was sitting there, I was trembling a little bit, and I was like, where did my phone go?
1
SPEAKER_01
Because it flew out of the holder, and it hit me in the arm and the leg, and I was like, where s the phone?
1
SPEAKER_01
And then I picked the phone up off the floor, and then I was like, let me try to get the car out of the middle of the road, and thank God nobody was coming from the other direction.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, because you got knocked into oncoming traffic, and thankfully there was no traffic.
1
SPEAKER_01
And so I tried to push the car over, it did not want to go, I was like, come on, come on, Tiffany, you can do it, get over there to the side of the road, girl.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I push it over and you hear the car go... Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
It fought.
1
SPEAKER_00
There was a big, long rubber mark where you had driven it down the road with three wheels.
1
SPEAKER_01
And if you paid attention, you could see the spin in the middle.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I didn t step on the brake either, because you know they say don t pound on the brake.
1
SPEAKER_01
During a crash?
1
SPEAKER_01
Take your feet off.
1
SPEAKER_00
You had the wherewithal during that to go like, I want to brake, but I m not going to brake.
1
SPEAKER_00
I find that hard to believe.
1
SPEAKER_01
You think I broke?
1
SPEAKER_01
I m telling you, I have taken enough race car classes.
1
SPEAKER_01
I went like this.
1
SPEAKER_01
Feet all the way up.
1
SPEAKER_00
Ah, shit, they hit me.
1
SPEAKER_00
Drug drivers always live because they re loose.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay, so you had a moment, though, where you were thinking about acting super injured?
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, yeah, so my first thought was, jump out this car, cuss these motherfuckers out.
1
SPEAKER_00
Right.
1
SPEAKER_01
That was my first thought.
1
SPEAKER_01
You motherfuckers, you didn t hear me honking at you?
1
SPEAKER_01
How do you stop?
1
SPEAKER_01
That s what I wanted to do.
1
SPEAKER_01
Then I was like, fuck, you re famous.
1
SPEAKER_01
Do not behave that way.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s inappropriate.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then I see the guy get out the car, and he s walking towards me, and he s like, are you okay?
1
SPEAKER_01
He said, ah, shit, I hit my favorite person.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I m holding the phone, and I m like, who do I call first?
1
SPEAKER_01
Who do I call first?
1
SPEAKER_01
And I m trembling.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I m like, did I fuck this guy before?
1
SPEAKER_01
Do I know him?
1
SPEAKER_01
And I m like trembling, I m looking at him walking up and I m like, maybe I bought weed from him back in the day.
1
SPEAKER_00
You re forgetting that he knows you from television?
1
SPEAKER_01
I m just wondering, do I know him?
1
SPEAKER_01
And he kept saying, are you all right?
1
SPEAKER_01
Are you good?
1
SPEAKER_01
And I rolled the window down and I said, I guess, maybe.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s good.
1
SPEAKER_00
Noncommittal.
1
SPEAKER_00
Now you can go either way.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m trembling now.
1
SPEAKER_01
So I m like, OK, trembling is good.
1
SPEAKER_01
You re releasing trauma.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I m like, should I get out of this car limping?
1
SPEAKER_01
Do I even want to limp?
1
SPEAKER_01
Tiffany, your ass do hurt because you ve been doing all them barre classes.
1
SPEAKER_01
You ve been really working them booty muscles.
1
SPEAKER_01
You must be sore.
1
SPEAKER_00
Punishing them, really.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, well, I m just building them.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m trying to melt the cellulite in the fascia.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I m like, do you want to do this?
1
SPEAKER_01
And then I m like, no.
1
SPEAKER_01
I always operate out of honesty and truth.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s a lot of adrenaline rushing.
1
SPEAKER_01
You don t know how you re going to feel in three hours.
1
SPEAKER_01
Because I m not that bugged.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m like, let the thing go.
1
SPEAKER_01
I sat there for a minute, and then a dude walked up, the handsome guy, Justin.
1
SPEAKER_00
Very handsome.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I m like, I know I know him.
1
SPEAKER_01
I just don t know why I know him.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then he walks over to the window, he goes, you okay?
1
SPEAKER_01
Tiffany, right?
1
SPEAKER_01
And I was like, yes.
1
SPEAKER_01
I called my sister first.
1
SPEAKER_01
You re gonna have to let the PR people know.
1
SPEAKER_01
You re gonna have to let this person know.
1
SPEAKER_01
You re gonna have to let that person know.
1
SPEAKER_01
She s like, ah, shit, I m coming to get you.
1
SPEAKER_01
Where you at?
1
SPEAKER_01
And then I was like, you gotta call this.
1
SPEAKER_01
She s like, I m gonna call this person first.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I m like, shoot, okay.
1
SPEAKER_01
She s like, but are you alive?
1
SPEAKER_01
I m like, I called you.
1
SPEAKER_01
I think I m fine.
1
SPEAKER_01
So far, I feel pretty okay.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then he s like, do you need a ride?
1
SPEAKER_01
I ll take you.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I was like, why do I know your face?
1
SPEAKER_01
I do know you.
1
SPEAKER_01
And he was like, from the comedy store.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I was like, bet, that s exactly where I know you from.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I was like, oh, and I done hit on you a few times, so I apologize.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay, right, right, right, right.
1
SPEAKER_00
Again, he was inordinately handsome to be helping on this.
1
SPEAKER_00
It seemed like it was cast in a movie.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s a me cute.
1
SPEAKER_00
Also, he was in tremendous shape.
1
SPEAKER_00
The first thing I said to him as I walked up is, boy, you re handsome.
1
SPEAKER_00
In what shape you re in?
1
SPEAKER_01
And he s 52.
1
SPEAKER_00
Did you miss all that?
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I miss all of that.
1
SPEAKER_01
When I saw him, I did gush a little bit and not from my face or anything, like a little blood came out.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, okay.
1
SPEAKER_01
My ovaries churned.
1
SPEAKER_01
Not about to, it started.
1
SPEAKER_01
It started this morning.
1
SPEAKER_01
I woke up in the blood this morning.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then I got out and I walked around to see the damage and I was just looking and I said, damn.
1
SPEAKER_01
You fucked my shit up.
1
SPEAKER_01
And the guy goes, but are you OK?
1
SPEAKER_01
And then I turned around and looked into the bushes and said, why every time on my period always some bullshit happen on day one?
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
The fuck?
1
SPEAKER_01
On day one?
1
SPEAKER_01
I know.
1
SPEAKER_01
The devil is too busy.
1
SPEAKER_00
Take a vacation.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then I turned around and looked back at the guy and said, it s just a car.
1
SPEAKER_01
Are you OK?
1
SPEAKER_00
Right, you got your senses.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s nice.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, you let off a little steam.
1
SPEAKER_01
You jumped a lot of hurdles to get to a nice place.
1
SPEAKER_01
Because if this was 2003, if it was 1998, I might ve pulled a bat out and been like, I m gonna fuck your ass up, fucking up my car that Tyler Perry gave me.
1
SPEAKER_01
But I didn t do that.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, you wouldn t have had insurance.
1
SPEAKER_00
You would ve had a whole host of other problems in 98, in the Geo Metro.
1
SPEAKER_01
I had insurance.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, my shit was constantly uninsured.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh no, my shit was insured.
1
SPEAKER_00
It was $12.
1
SPEAKER_01
It was a 1995 Geo Metro.
1
SPEAKER_01
That shit was not that expensive.
1
SPEAKER_00
I had a Metro as well.
1
SPEAKER_00
So dependable.
1
SPEAKER_00
Do you at all regret letting it go?
1
SPEAKER_00
I feel like you should have kept it just so you could look at it every now and then.
1
SPEAKER_01
I know where it s at.
1
SPEAKER_01
It don t work though.
1
SPEAKER_01
Can we get it?
1
SPEAKER_01
We could get it and restore it.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m being sincere.
1
SPEAKER_00
Because I let my Honda Civic go.
1
SPEAKER_00
That little car got me everywhere and I was broke.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I m like, I need to bring that little guy up.
1
SPEAKER_01
I had over a million miles on it.
1
SPEAKER_00
No.
1
SPEAKER_00
You should have been in a commercial with it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Over a million miles.
1
SPEAKER_00
God bless the G-Metro.
1
SPEAKER_01
It was like a million five.
1
SPEAKER_00
We got to get that car.
1
SPEAKER_01
I know exactly where it s at.
1
SPEAKER_00
Every now and then, you should go out and sit in it and then like really internalize where you re at.
1
SPEAKER_01
I used to sit in it and cry.
1
SPEAKER_01
It used to be my cry space.
1
SPEAKER_00
after you already made it?
1
SPEAKER_00
Over what generally?
1
SPEAKER_00
Any old thing or the same thing?
1
SPEAKER_01
Usually the first day of my period.
1
SPEAKER_01
Usually first day of my period, something crazy happens.
1
SPEAKER_00
We caught you on a hell of a day.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, you did.
1
SPEAKER_00
Day one of the period.
1
SPEAKER_01
It was supposed to start two more days, but I guess that eclipse fucked my shit up.
1
SPEAKER_01
It did.
1
SPEAKER_01
Threw my cycle off.
1
SPEAKER_01
Did that throw things off for you?
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh yeah, it messes everyone s periods up.
1
SPEAKER_02
Are you a water sign?
1
SPEAKER_02
No, I m a fire sign.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, I can see that.
1
SPEAKER_00
What does that mean?
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I know your birthday.
1
SPEAKER_00
You re December 3rd.
1
SPEAKER_01
Uh-huh.
1
SPEAKER_01
1900 and none of your fucking bitches.
1
79.
1
I m 75.
1
SPEAKER_01
Now listen, what s really ironic is really within that car accident,
1
SPEAKER_00
Everything I ve learned about you today is that play one is like when I go on to 7-eleven and shits going off I love when there s like two crazy people screaming at each other Maybe the guy s gonna come from around the corner.
1
SPEAKER_00
Maybe I m gonna be in the middle of it.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m an arousal junkie from the trauma I m good in these situations.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so you re in this chaotic situation, but you re like, oh, yeah, I take my foot off the brake I feel this way this shaking is gonna bet like part of it is you re trained for this and
1
SPEAKER_00
Some other people would be like screaming, losing their mind.
1
SPEAKER_00
They wouldn t be on the phone.
1
SPEAKER_00
It d take them 35 minutes to get their shit together.
1
SPEAKER_00
And you re kind of rolling through it.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s telling.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I ve been through a lot of shit.
1
SPEAKER_00
And do you find that you re pretty calm when shit s going sideways?
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
From what I remember from therapy and all the classes I ve taken over the years, you re not supposed to react to things.
1
SPEAKER_01
You respond.
1
SPEAKER_01
First sign of mental illness is when you react to situations as opposed to responding to them.
1
SPEAKER_00
Right.
1
SPEAKER_00
You hopping out of the car screaming would be a reaction.
1
SPEAKER_01
And that s a mental illness.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, and that would have been my very first desire to get out and defend myself basically.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, but he didn t jump out of the car coming at me aggressively.
1
SPEAKER_01
They didn t like try to pull off and leave.
1
SPEAKER_00
But you were doing your thing and another human being that you have no control over changed the course of your day.
1
SPEAKER_00
And for me, it means more than just that.
2
SPEAKER_02
thing.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s back to a million times I thought I was just doing my day and other motherfuckers changed the course of my day.
2
SPEAKER_02
So it goes straight back to a feeling that s not even a car accident.
2
SPEAKER_00
Right.
2
SPEAKER_00
Is the side of my face swollen right now?
2
SPEAKER_00
No.
2
SPEAKER_00
Do you feel it?
2
SPEAKER_00
Do you feel it expanding?
2
SPEAKER_02
Can I tell you what you re going to feel tomorrow?
2
SPEAKER_02
It s not going to be your butt or your back.
2
SPEAKER_00
It hurts.
2
SPEAKER_00
It does.
2
SPEAKER_00
Maybe the phone hit my face too.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh shit.
2
SPEAKER_00
Do you want ice?
2
SPEAKER_00
We could get you some.
2
SPEAKER_02
Do you wanna go home?
2
SPEAKER_00
No.
2
SPEAKER_02
I ll drive you home.
2
SPEAKER_00
No, cause I m just gonna sit around and cry.
2
SPEAKER_02
Okay, well then stay here.
2
SPEAKER_02
But you know what s gonna hurt tomorrow?
2
SPEAKER_02
Which doesn t hurt at all right now.
2
SPEAKER_02
I ve been with you now for 45 minutes and you ve listed a bunch of different things.
2
SPEAKER_02
Your back hurt, but then that might be your period you decided.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I decided that s my cycle.
2
SPEAKER_02
Tomorrow morning you re gonna go, oh, my neck is sore.
2
SPEAKER_02
because you got hit from the side and you spawned.
2
SPEAKER_02
What really happened that you have no memory of is your head went like that.
2
SPEAKER_02
There s just no way it didn t.
2
SPEAKER_00
And maybe my head hit my shoulder really hard.
2
SPEAKER_02
That could have happened, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
I think Rob s probably going to get you ice.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, okay.
2
SPEAKER_00
Because the side of my face hurts.
2
SPEAKER_02
Let s get to this right now.
2
SPEAKER_00
It sucks.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s throbbing.
2
SPEAKER_02
Do you hate the idea of someone getting you ice?
2
SPEAKER_00
A little bit.
2
SPEAKER_00
When you said he s going to get you ice, I kind of was like, no, I didn t want to say like, don t do that.
2
SPEAKER_00
But you know what?
2
SPEAKER_00
I probably need it.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, that s another hurdle.
2
SPEAKER_02
One of my things I wrote down.
2
SPEAKER_00
You figured it out.
2
SPEAKER_00
Well, I don t like people doing shit for me.
2
SPEAKER_00
I hate surprises.
2
SPEAKER_02
Also, you don t want to be pitied.
2
SPEAKER_00
No, I hate that.
2
SPEAKER_02
This is the sentence I read where I was like, OK, I know you.
2
SPEAKER_02
You had an eighth miscarriage and you didn t want to tell any of your friends because you didn t want them calling you.
2
SPEAKER_02
Are you okay?
2
SPEAKER_02
Are you okay?
2
SPEAKER_02
Are you okay?
2
SPEAKER_02
Now there s two versions of that.
2
SPEAKER_02
One is you just hate being pitied.
2
SPEAKER_02
My thing is I have to be indomitable and strong as fuck.
2
SPEAKER_02
If I m not, and people don t think that about me at all time, they re going to try to take advantage of me.
2
SPEAKER_00
People gonna try to take advantage of you regardless.
2
SPEAKER_00
That s not it.
2
SPEAKER_02
But if someone was to feel bad for you, what would that mean?
2
SPEAKER_00
That I can t heal.
2
SPEAKER_02
That you re weak.
2
SPEAKER_02
No?
2
SPEAKER_00
I don t wanna even say that word.
2
SPEAKER_00
Why you say that word?
2
SPEAKER_02
That s what I m saying.
2
SPEAKER_00
I mean, it s not true.
2
SPEAKER_00
It doesn t mean you re weak.
2
SPEAKER_00
I know it doesn t mean I m weak, but they treat you that way.
2
SPEAKER_00
Do you have a charger in here just in case my phone dies or something?
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, yeah, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
That ll be another thing we ll send Rob for.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, we ll send him a disk.
2
SPEAKER_02
He s gonna be busy.
2
SPEAKER_02
We ve all been busy.
2
SPEAKER_02
I ve never picked a guest up.
2
SPEAKER_02
This is kind of fun and novel for me.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I m not going home in an Uber because they kidnap people.
2
SPEAKER_00
No, no, I ll take you home.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay, cool, thanks.
2
SPEAKER_02
I ll take you out to dinner.
2
SPEAKER_02
Some fried chicken.
2
SPEAKER_01
Chicken!
2
SPEAKER_01
I ll eat it if it s Popeye s.
2
SPEAKER_02
We ll hit Langer s.
2
SPEAKER_01
You called on your own, which I do want to tell people, because most people in your situation who are famous, who get in a car accident, are coming to a podcast.
2
SPEAKER_01
One would probably just forget.
2
SPEAKER_01
The podcast, who cares?
2
SPEAKER_01
The second group would tell their publicist, hey, I got in a car accident.
2
SPEAKER_01
I obviously can t go to this thing.
2
SPEAKER_01
Tell them.
2
SPEAKER_01
You called yourself.
2
SPEAKER_01
Because I knew they wouldn t call you guys.
2
SPEAKER_01
But that s so nice.
2
SPEAKER_01
Did anybody call you guys?
2
SPEAKER_01
You did, but I do think the assistant texted or called or something.
2
SPEAKER_01
But also you called, you said specifically, hey, I got in this car accident and I ll still do it.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I was overhearing this like, are you kidding me?
2
SPEAKER_00
I m not bleeding, I m not broken.
2
SPEAKER_00
I can still talk and communicate.
2
SPEAKER_00
And if something happens, if I do have a concussion or I do have like internal bleeding going on besides my regular normal bleeding, can you get me a charger as well, love?
2
SPEAKER_00
Thank you so much.
2
SPEAKER_00
iPhone, yes, thank you.
2
SPEAKER_02
Well, there s two different kind of charge ones you have the newest one with the new charger thing or the conventional Conventional here you can take the whole thing.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s a little heavy.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s for weightlifting.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s to build my booty Maybe did hit your face.
2
SPEAKER_01
It seems like you did.
2
SPEAKER_02
Okay, we shouldn t eat meat.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh
2
SPEAKER_01
If you had a concussion, we would be here to then take you to the hospital, I guess.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh my God, I hate going to the hospital.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
Can we just do hospital stuff here?
2
SPEAKER_00
Dax would love to perform surgeries.
2
SPEAKER_02
We gotta start with just a general physical to assess where you re at.
2
SPEAKER_02
No pap smear.
2
SPEAKER_02
You re not putting a finger in my booty.
2
SPEAKER_00
Where were we at before he handed me the ice pack?
2
SPEAKER_02
I was talking about how much I hate if anyone thinks I m weak.
2
SPEAKER_02
If you assess me as weak, then you ll be confident enough to try to take advantage of me.
2
SPEAKER_00
But people try to take advantage anyways.
2
SPEAKER_02
People prey on people that they think are vulnerable.
2
SPEAKER_00
Is that why you re so muscular and buff?
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
You even walk, your posture is like, I ll Donkey Kong punch you in the head.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, that s all from that.
2
SPEAKER_02
That s stepdads that were violent and boys that were violent and
2
SPEAKER_02
All that stuff.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I m sending a message to the world.
2
SPEAKER_02
The tattoos, everything s transparent.
2
SPEAKER_02
Move on to someone else.
2
SPEAKER_02
There s an easier target.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, this is not the one.
2
SPEAKER_02
That s all I need you to know.
2
SPEAKER_02
I ll fight back.
2
SPEAKER_02
There s someone else that won t.
2
SPEAKER_02
Pick them.
2
SPEAKER_00
I ll fight back too, and I ll enjoy it.
2
SPEAKER_00
That s the problem.
2
SPEAKER_00
That s what I m working on.
2
SPEAKER_02
We would be the worst couple of all time.
2
SPEAKER_00
Let me tell you something about men in relationships.
2
SPEAKER_00
I do not argue with men.
2
SPEAKER_00
Now, I may say some smart ass shit that s going to piss you off, but I will not yell and scream with you.
2
SPEAKER_00
If you re yelling and screaming at me.
2
SPEAKER_02
Two people in a relationship, neither can be soft, weak, and vulnerable.
2
SPEAKER_02
That s a recipe for her.
2
SPEAKER_00
One has to be, and I will be, but I will say the slickest, most fucked up shit that s gonna hit your soul.
2
SPEAKER_00
And it s gonna hit you on the inside.
2
SPEAKER_02
Two days later.
2
SPEAKER_00
You ll be like, oh!
2
SPEAKER_02
I just heard what she said.
2
SPEAKER_02
I didn t do the math.
2
SPEAKER_00
That was evil.
2
SPEAKER_00
She penetrated my spirit with that one.
2
SPEAKER_02
What s the longest you ve been with a guy?
2
SPEAKER_00
Five years.
2
SPEAKER_02
Well, you were married.
2
SPEAKER_02
Was that your longest?
2
SPEAKER_00
I guess, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
Do fuck buddies count?
2
SPEAKER_02
No.
2
SPEAKER_00
No?
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay, then five years.
2
SPEAKER_02
And that s with the ex-husband?
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
Since then, what s the longest?
2
SPEAKER_00
Two years.
2
SPEAKER_02
Do you have a pattern that you ve noticed that generally spells the end?
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, usually at the nine-month mark.
2
SPEAKER_02
Do you start losing interest at the nine-month mark?
2
SPEAKER_00
Mm-hmm, especially if he s never taken me anywhere.
2
SPEAKER_00
No trips.
2
SPEAKER_00
No nothing cuz I don t like surprises I m not super big on gifts, but I like adventure.
2
SPEAKER_00
So that s quality time.
2
SPEAKER_00
I like touch I like super groping and shit, but a nice pat on the back You want to connect physically with the person you look in my eyes when you re talking to me?
2
SPEAKER_00
Let me know that you hear me.
2
SPEAKER_00
I like
2
SPEAKER_00
Kind words, I m easy.
2
SPEAKER_00
Cheap as fuck.
2
SPEAKER_00
You cook a meal, I cook a meal.
2
SPEAKER_00
Maybe you don t cook at all.
2
SPEAKER_00
You cut up some onions for me or something.
2
SPEAKER_00
I think that s so fucking awesome.
2
SPEAKER_00
Wash my car, I m wet.
2
SPEAKER_00
I think that s super romantic.
2
SPEAKER_00
He washed the dishes, clean up something.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, acts of service, fix something for me, I m sucking your dick.
2
SPEAKER_00
Simple shit.
2
SPEAKER_00
You heard it here.
2
SPEAKER_02
That s a good playbook for any dude who wants to take Tiffany out.
2
SPEAKER_00
That s right.
2
SPEAKER_00
Acts of service, man, that s hot.
2
SPEAKER_02
So acts of service is interesting.
2
SPEAKER_02
That s what my wife s love language is.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s a lot of women s love language.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I think that they want to receive that.
2
SPEAKER_02
I m verbal affirmation.
2
SPEAKER_02
I want to hear- Good words.
2
SPEAKER_02
I want to be told that you like me.
2
SPEAKER_02
Too much, probably.
2
SPEAKER_02
And my wife s a genius because she s figured out to just give me just a hair less than I want.
2
SPEAKER_02
And then I ve been intrigued for 17 years.
2
SPEAKER_02
So are you an arousal junkie?
2
SPEAKER_02
My therapist said to me once, because I was also reading your history with antidepressants and it was virtually identical to what I experienced
2
SPEAKER_00
You have vaginal dryness?
2
SPEAKER_00
That is a common side effect.
2
SPEAKER_00
I couldn t even get a... It s just dust.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
Did you see Dune?
2
SPEAKER_02
It was shot in my pussy when I was on Paxil.
2
SPEAKER_02
I made a ton of money on location rental.
2
SPEAKER_02
But what I felt, and I learned the term of while I was on it, was blunting, or bunting.
2
SPEAKER_02
I was like, I was sitting on a river in North Carolina that I have sat at many, many times, and I know how it s supposed to smell, and I know how it s supposed to feel, and I m like, where did it all go?
2
SPEAKER_02
And then I went off of it a couple years ago, and my current therapist, he s like, yeah, that makes total sense.
2
SPEAKER_02
You are an arousal person.
2
SPEAKER_02
You like smells and sounds and excitement and thrills, and that s what keeps you alive.
2
SPEAKER_00
What I see, kind of like a little chaos.
2
SPEAKER_00
My bedroom proves that.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s a mess.
2
SPEAKER_00
So many things, so many knickknacks, so many clothes.
2
SPEAKER_00
I love clothes.
2
SPEAKER_00
Me too.
2
SPEAKER_00
I hate hanging them.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like if a man came into my life and said, I m going to fold your clothes and put them away for you, I m sucking his dick straight up.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, while he s folding.
2
SPEAKER_00
Look at you made this space on the bed for you.
2
SPEAKER_00
This is your space and I m going to suck your dick for that.
2
SPEAKER_00
Because I will wash the clothes.
2
SPEAKER_00
But you don t want to hang them.
2
SPEAKER_00
I will put the clothes in a basket.
2
SPEAKER_00
I will pour them on a guest bed.
2
SPEAKER_00
Or I ll pour them on my bed first.
2
SPEAKER_00
And then I like to snuggle up to them.
2
SPEAKER_00
They smell so good.
2
SPEAKER_00
Warm.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I ll warm his stuff and I ll take a nap in them.
2
SPEAKER_00
Roll around in them.
2
SPEAKER_02
Like a kitten.
2
SPEAKER_00
I do roll around in them.
2
SPEAKER_00
Then I will fold them eventually.
2
SPEAKER_02
They re like your babies.
2
SPEAKER_00
And put them in their little space.
2
SPEAKER_00
And then I never put them away.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
I just start getting dressed right from the bed.
2
SPEAKER_02
Monica s got a very similar relationship with her, and she loves clothes, and she buys so many clothes.
2
SPEAKER_01
I love clothes.
2
SPEAKER_01
I do also just throw them all over the place.
2
SPEAKER_01
But it s interesting, because I was just talking to my friend about this, who has a very chaotic mind.
2
SPEAKER_01
She is all over the place.
2
SPEAKER_01
She has ADHD, and her space is very clean.
2
SPEAKER_01
which I found shocking because my brain is very organized.
2
SPEAKER_02
It reversed.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_01
It was almost like I can live in a messy space because it won t overwhelm you.
2
SPEAKER_01
It won t overwhelm me.
2
SPEAKER_01
And hers is the opposite.
2
SPEAKER_02
I relate to her.
2
SPEAKER_02
I have anxiety from how much shit is crooked and out of place.
2
SPEAKER_00
But I feel comfortable in clutter a little bit.
2
SPEAKER_00
I feel snuggly.
2
SPEAKER_00
Cozy.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
Cozy.
2
SPEAKER_00
We got it.
2
SPEAKER_00
That is it.
2
SPEAKER_00
Comfort in the chaos.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I m also always single, and I do wonder if it is a little bit that way.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, because I don t want to let them in my space.
2
SPEAKER_00
Look, let me tell you something.
2
SPEAKER_00
A man hasn t been in my bedroom since 2017.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_00
A man hasn t been in my bed, the bed that I like to sleep in, since 2017.
2
SPEAKER_00
But I will fuck them in the guest room, on the couch, in the kitchen, on the left seat.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m not letting anyone into that space unless it s theirs.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s my space.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s my den.
3
SPEAKER_01
I get so mad when something breaks in the bathroom.
3
SPEAKER_01
I m like, let me figure out how to fix it myself.
3
SPEAKER_01
And if I can t fix it myself, then I m like, okay, let me organize my room.
3
SPEAKER_01
Let me clean my room and have the plumber come in, fix this bathroom and then get the fuck out of here.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I m like messing shit up immediately.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s your nest.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, my nest.
3
SPEAKER_00
Can we start at the beginning a little bit?
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Born in South Central, but moved out to San Bernardino County.
3
SPEAKER_00
What age?
3
SPEAKER_01
When I was six or seven.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay, there s a lot of parallels.
3
SPEAKER_00
Geo Metro, SMC.
3
SPEAKER_00
So dad leaves at three.
3
SPEAKER_00
By the way, he s from a country I d never heard of, and I think I know geography.
3
SPEAKER_01
Eritrea, right next to Ethiopia.
3
SPEAKER_00
Have you ever heard of Eritrea?
3
SPEAKER_01
No, but I m not very good at geography.
3
SPEAKER_00
I was like, there can t be a country I d never heard the name of until today.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s only 32 years old now, I think maybe.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, wow.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay, so that helps.
3
SPEAKER_00
It was part of Ethiopia.
3
SPEAKER_00
How did mom meet him?
3
SPEAKER_01
She was banking at Founders Bank, Buckingham and Martin Luther King.
3
SPEAKER_01
He was working at the gas station across the street.
3
SPEAKER_01
He was sitting on a bus stop.
3
SPEAKER_01
She thought he was a guy that she had met at a convention and told him to get in the car.
3
SPEAKER_00
She s like, I ll give you a ride.
3
SPEAKER_00
I know you from the convention.
3
SPEAKER_01
She s like, what are you doing on the bus stop?
3
SPEAKER_01
Get in the car.
3
SPEAKER_01
Where are you going?
3
SPEAKER_01
Get in the car.
3
SPEAKER_01
Get in the car.
3
SPEAKER_01
He gets in the car.
3
SPEAKER_01
You probably thought he was about to get molested.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then he starts talking.
3
SPEAKER_01
She s like, wait a minute.
3
SPEAKER_01
You re not who I thought you were.
3
SPEAKER_00
— Because he has a thick accent.
3
SPEAKER_01
— Yeah, and he had a shirt on that said Michael, and the guy that she met, his name was Michael.
3
SPEAKER_01
Michael s not his actual name.
3
SPEAKER_01
That was the shirt they had at the gas station.
3
SPEAKER_00
— So how long were they together?
3
SPEAKER_01
— For about four years.
3
SPEAKER_01
Within six months of them meeting, she was pregnant with me.
3
SPEAKER_00
— He was fertile.
3
SPEAKER_01
— Yeah, but she lost her virginity to him.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, she did?
3
SPEAKER_00
How old was she?
3
SPEAKER_01
That s what she said.
3
SPEAKER_01
Sure.
3
21.
3
SPEAKER_00
Nope.
3
SPEAKER_01
Well, now, maybe.
3
SPEAKER_00
Maybe.
3
SPEAKER_01
She was a travel witness, and she said she only was with him and then my stepdad are the only two men she s ever been with.
3
SPEAKER_01
We try to catch her slipping up, like, get her to tell stories.
3
SPEAKER_01
Those are the only two men she talks about.
3
SPEAKER_00
So he leaves.
3
SPEAKER_00
Do we know why?
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, because he was selling green cards illegally, and he was on the run ever since for like 27 years.
3
SPEAKER_00
Until he was found for your wedding.
3
SPEAKER_01
So my ex-husband, I met him on a cruise, and I thought he was too old for me and kind of gross from the telephone conversations, right?
3
SPEAKER_01
And then I had changed my number.
3
SPEAKER_01
Cut to years go by.
3
SPEAKER_01
and I m on Who s Got Jokes.
3
SPEAKER_01
He sees me on Who s Got Jokes and he starts looking for me.
3
SPEAKER_01
He finds my number.
3
SPEAKER_01
He finds me.
3
SPEAKER_01
He s a private investigator, so he can find anybody.
3
SPEAKER_01
He calls me.
3
SPEAKER_01
I remember who he is.
3
SPEAKER_01
I m like, dang, if you could find me, maybe you could find my daddy because I have been looking.
3
SPEAKER_01
And that s what we bonded over on the boat.
3
SPEAKER_01
He s telling me he s a private investigator.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I was like, let s just change numbers so you can find my dad.
3
SPEAKER_01
But he never
3
SPEAKER_01
found my dad back then.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then on the first phone conversation, I was like, if you could find my dad, I ll give you whatever you want.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I m thinking, like, I ll go on a few dates with him, maybe give him a little ass, something, you know, just whatever.
3
SPEAKER_00
Sure, a little something.
3
SPEAKER_01
Couple hundred dollars, whatever.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, whatever it takes.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so then he said, well, if I find your dad, I want you to marry me.
3
SPEAKER_01
I laughed super hard and said, sure, okay, whatever.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
You re not going to find him because I ain t found him all this time.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then over the course of three weeks, he was getting in my head.
3
SPEAKER_01
I was 26 at the time.
3
SPEAKER_01
I was young, dumb.
3
SPEAKER_00
How old was he?
3
SPEAKER_01
38.
3
SPEAKER_01
He was running game on me, but I was falling in.
3
SPEAKER_01
By the time we hit the three-week mark, I m in love.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know, this man is in my brain.
3
SPEAKER_01
Once he felt confident in that, then he had my dad call me.
3
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
3
SPEAKER_01
That s a move.
3
SPEAKER_01
There was a dude that knew my dad that called me and talked to me first.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then that dude gave my dad the phone number, and then my dad called me.
3
SPEAKER_00
Did you have a lot of resentment?
3
SPEAKER_01
I wanted to resent him so bad.
3
SPEAKER_01
I was planning, when I first see him, I m gonna kick him in the balls.
3
SPEAKER_01
Why you didn t take care of me?
3
SPEAKER_01
Why would you abandon me?
3
SPEAKER_01
Every man in my life has abandoned me and left me.
3
SPEAKER_00
I got this fucking pattern you gave me now.
3
SPEAKER_01
I wanted to be so mean to him, but as soon as I heard his voice, it s like my whole soul knew.
3
SPEAKER_01
All that went away and I was just so happy to hear his voice.
3
SPEAKER_01
The little girl in me is like, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy.
3
SPEAKER_01
It felt so good.
3
SPEAKER_01
That was a good high.
3
SPEAKER_01
My soul was like, okay, we can, this is good.
3
SPEAKER_00
Isn t it fucking wild how we re linked like that because we re half of them and it s just what it is?
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
Biology.
3
SPEAKER_01
And a part of me didn t want it to be true because I had this fantasy of who he was and what he was and what he was doing.
3
SPEAKER_01
And the fantasy is always better than the real life.
3
SPEAKER_00
You had 23 years to work up some stories.
3
Mm-hmm.
3
SPEAKER_00
Stay tuned for more Armchair Experts.
3
you
3
SPEAKER_00
Now, for me growing up without a dad in the house and around, I was really susceptible to masculinity.
3
SPEAKER_00
That was the hole that it left for me.
3
SPEAKER_00
What is it for a girl?
3
SPEAKER_01
I didn t know how to be around men.
3
SPEAKER_01
I didn t know how to treat men.
3
SPEAKER_01
I didn t know how to really communicate with them.
3
SPEAKER_00
Were you easily duped by them?
3
SPEAKER_01
Always duped.
3
SPEAKER_01
But also, I hung around a lot of boys, tomboyish and all this stuff, and taking advantage of a lot, manipulated a lot.
3
SPEAKER_01
But I was okay with that, because I felt like, oh, I m learning something.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, you have such a positive spin on everything.
3
SPEAKER_01
I m learning things.
3
SPEAKER_01
I know next time that ain t gonna happen.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then it might happen again, but in a different way.
3
SPEAKER_01
Maybe I see the flags, I know this is gonna happen, but he s kinda fine, fuck it.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I ve already dealt with the fallout of this before.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yes, I won t be hurt over it.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s gonna be exciting.
3
SPEAKER_01
It ll be a story to tell.
3
SPEAKER_00
You go to San Bernardino County.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, we moved to Pomona first and then we moved to Colton.
3
SPEAKER_00
You already had the stepdad or mom met the stepdad there?
3
SPEAKER_01
I already had the stepdad and a little brother by the time we moved to Colton and my other sister was born.
3
SPEAKER_00
They end up having four children together, two boys and two girls.
3
SPEAKER_00
And what do you think about him?
3
SPEAKER_01
I think he s damaged.
3
SPEAKER_01
He went through a lot, probably growing up.
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t know everything that he went through, but I think he wanted to be a good person.
3
SPEAKER_01
I think he wants to do good things.
3
SPEAKER_00
Did he have addiction stuff?
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
And that s none of my damn business.
3
SPEAKER_00
I only ask about him because mom gets in a really bad car accident.
3
SPEAKER_00
You said at one point you re under the belief he cut her brakes.
3
SPEAKER_00
You re being very generous about how much you like this guy.
3
SPEAKER_01
But you re being compassionate.
3
SPEAKER_01
I didn t say I liked him.
3
SPEAKER_00
You did not say that.
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t hate him either.
3
SPEAKER_01
I think people
3
SPEAKER_01
do things or say things because they re going through something and they think it s going to be a great idea.
3
SPEAKER_01
It ain t necessarily going to be that.
3
SPEAKER_01
And when I sit back and look at it all, would my life have been better if that didn t happen?
3
SPEAKER_01
Maybe.
3
SPEAKER_01
Maybe not.
3
SPEAKER_01
Maybe I d be the most unhappy bitch with dysfunctional parents.
3
SPEAKER_01
I still got dysfunctional parents, but their dysfunctions created my greatness.
3
SPEAKER_01
I do believe that we get to choose who we born to, and maybe I m wrong, but I like to believe in this fantasy because I think everybody has a purpose.
3
SPEAKER_01
Even if you re here for one day, there s some reason that you got to come in and do whatever you re supposed to do and get out.
3
SPEAKER_01
And you can change your purpose and all that.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I feel like I would never have fulfilled all the things I fulfilled up to this point
3
SPEAKER_01
and been the influence that I ve been, helped others the way I ve helped them.
3
SPEAKER_01
Had I not had those three major players around me, if I didn t come through my actual biological father and my biological mother, and had she not been with him, who knows?
3
SPEAKER_01
She was very good with money, very smart businesswoman, so charming, so everything.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I love her very much, but I don t know what came back out of that accident.
3
SPEAKER_00
She changed radically after that.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, and it was scary.
3
SPEAKER_00
She was diagnosed with schizophrenia, but you also feel like it s kind of CTE-ish.
3
SPEAKER_01
That s what I feel like it is.
3
SPEAKER_00
But when she came out of that accident, she had a radical kind of shift in her personality, and she got really kind of dangerous to be around.
3
SPEAKER_01
Very dangerous to be around.
3
SPEAKER_00
I just want to say one thing because I really feel like you do, by the way, which is I love my life so much and I m so happy with it that I would never fuck with anything that happened.
3
SPEAKER_00
Get him a lesson.
3
SPEAKER_00
I ll keep it because I love where I landed.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t want one of the things to have been not there.
3
SPEAKER_00
But I also can look at it and go, whoop, that was wild.
3
SPEAKER_00
I can have both.
3
SPEAKER_00
I can have judgment over and gratitude for it.
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t know if I m at the place where I wouldn t have made adjustments.
3
SPEAKER_01
I wish I had the guidance to maybe not fall into some of the things that I fell into.
3
SPEAKER_01
To know how to let go of things.
3
SPEAKER_01
I think my room is evident of me not letting go of things or not letting go of certain emotions or feelings for people.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I m trying to apply this rule that I learned in home economics, when in doubt, throw it out.
3
SPEAKER_01
I m so good with food and I m getting better now with relationships and I m still working on my clothes and certain knickknacks.
3
SPEAKER_01
because I don t have no doubts about that.
3
SPEAKER_01
I like this shit, this mine.
3
SPEAKER_00
You went into foster care at 13.
3
SPEAKER_00
So like everything that you had, that you define yourself by, that gives you comfort, you ve got a clean slate at 13 of you ve got now nothing to represent who you are.
3
SPEAKER_00
So fucking A, you want your shit and it means a lot to you because you have it now and you ve lost it before.
3
SPEAKER_00
Your life disappeared once.
3
SPEAKER_00
So of course.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s okay.
3
SPEAKER_01
But I would like to clear my space.
3
SPEAKER_01
You can do it slowly.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then I pour more shit in there.
3
SPEAKER_00
What you would have to believe, and this is this thing I m trying to do, I m trying to get to a place where like, no one s coming for me.
3
SPEAKER_00
No one s going to try to victimize me.
3
SPEAKER_00
I have got to accept where I m really at.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so I feel like what would be similar is like, no one s ever going to take your shit.
3
SPEAKER_00
Which is hard to believe, isn t it?
3
SPEAKER_01
Man, somebody stole all the pennies and dollars and money I had in my Hello Kitty piggy bank.
3
SPEAKER_01
I felt like they had snatched a piece of my spirit.
3
SPEAKER_01
And it had to be somebody I know.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I felt so violated.
3
SPEAKER_01
And it could have been three people.
3
SPEAKER_01
It could have been my dad.
3
SPEAKER_01
It could have been the bitch that I let stay in my house with her daughter.
3
SPEAKER_01
So it could have been her daughter, so four people.
3
SPEAKER_01
Or it could have been my boyfriend at the time.
4
SPEAKER_01
But this was as an adult.
4
SPEAKER_00
This is as an adult.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I think it was my boyfriend at the time, because he also stole my vacuum cleaner.
4
SPEAKER_00
He mailed my vacuum cleaner to his house.
4
SPEAKER_00
Who does that?
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, that s stealing for the emotion behind it.
4
SPEAKER_01
Because I got a hunch he didn t love vacuums.
4
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
4
SPEAKER_00
What if he loved vacuuming so much?
4
SPEAKER_01
Did you notice he loved vacuuming?
4
SPEAKER_00
No.
4
SPEAKER_00
I went on Instagram and said, man, I would love this vacuum cleaner.
4
SPEAKER_00
And somebody sent me one of the vacuum cleaners, and then one of my homegirls bought me the vacuum cleaner too.
4
SPEAKER_00
And he could have just asked me for it, I would have gave it to him.
4
SPEAKER_00
But I was thinking, oh, I ll give this to my mom and my sister, this other one, and we ll have twin vacuum cleaners.
4
SPEAKER_00
You re matching bathrooms.
4
SPEAKER_00
And this motherfucker.
4
SPEAKER_00
Stole it.
4
SPEAKER_00
Sent it to himself.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then that Hello Kitty bank wasn t like somewhere out in the open.
4
SPEAKER_00
It was in a box, under some wigs, in the back of a closet.
4
SPEAKER_00
So whoever did it had time and they was digging.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I know he d be digging because he was going through old text messages on the iPad.
4
SPEAKER_01
He was controlling and jealous.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it s fucking weird.
4
SPEAKER_00
And couldn t fix shit.
4
SPEAKER_00
I had to put my own damn bidet in.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh my.
4
SPEAKER_00
That s a good skill.
4
SPEAKER_00
You can t put this bidet in for me.
4
SPEAKER_00
He s too busy vacuuming.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, he just loves vacuuming.
4
SPEAKER_00
He didn t vacuum, he didn t wash no dishes, didn t help pay a light bill or nothing.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m like, go back to your house.
4
SPEAKER_00
You re not even helping pay a bill.
4
SPEAKER_00
Where s the service?
4
SPEAKER_00
Eating my ass is not going to be enough.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s something, but it s not enough.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s not enough.
4
SPEAKER_00
Anybody will do that.
4
SPEAKER_01
You re in foster for two years-ish?
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
What s the darkest period?
4
SPEAKER_01
Is it being with mom and seeing this, like, person you don t recognize anymore?
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, that s the most fear.
4
SPEAKER_01
Is going to live with grandma a sweet spot at all?
4
SPEAKER_00
It was, but it was also scary, too, because mom had more access.
4
SPEAKER_00
A lot of fights and stuff.
4
SPEAKER_00
Because I didn t know how to deal with her.
4
SPEAKER_00
She didn t know how to deal with me.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then I m a teenager at this point, and I m, like, you know, feeling myself.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m taking care of my sisters and brothers really good and being helpful to my grandma.
4
SPEAKER_00
So there were some issues.
4
SPEAKER_01
Was Woodland Hills an adjustment?
4
SPEAKER_01
What s the vibe in Woodland Hills?
4
SPEAKER_00
At that time, it was very valid.
4
SPEAKER_00
Even the Latinos there, I feel like they were trying not to be Latino.
4
SPEAKER_00
Everybody was trying to be what they saw on Nickelodeon.
4
SPEAKER_00
But then there was this small group of like black kids that were like, fuck that shit.
4
SPEAKER_00
Crip, blip.
4
SPEAKER_00
Very small group of black kids like that.
4
SPEAKER_00
I mean, very small, maybe five.
4
SPEAKER_00
But the whole school was maybe 3% black, and my whole thing was, I m gonna make friends with everybody and get people to help me do my homework and help me get through this shit, because I m not smart enough to get through.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m dumb.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m stupid.
4
SPEAKER_01
What an ironic thing to say.
4
SPEAKER_01
But you ve already figured out you can regulate mom by being funny.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
You can diffuse things.
4
SPEAKER_01
You can let the tension out.
4
SPEAKER_01
It becomes a really useful skill for survival.
4
SPEAKER_00
It is a tool to survive.
4
SPEAKER_00
A shield, if you will.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, and you become the mascot of the school.
4
SPEAKER_01
So you re class clowning?
4
SPEAKER_00
Yep.
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, no wonder you re addicted to laughter.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s safe.
4
SPEAKER_00
It literally was there for survival.
4
SPEAKER_00
You don t see a lot of people beating somebody and laughing at the same time.
4
SPEAKER_01
They got to be really, really psychotic.
4
SPEAKER_01
Super psychotic.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, they got a hard on in their laughter.
4
SPEAKER_00
Raging boner.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s more of a cackle.
4
SPEAKER_01
Maniacal laugh.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
Beating and laughing, that s not someone sane.
4
SPEAKER_00
Pure evil is laughing and hitting you at the same time.
4
SPEAKER_00
Most people are not evil.
4
SPEAKER_00
Right.
4
SPEAKER_00
Most of the time when they re hitting you, it s... Yeah, some swearing.
4
SPEAKER_00
Listen to me when I tell you to do this.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, they do.
4
SPEAKER_01
They start punctuating their movements to their sentence.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, you re right.
4
SPEAKER_01
And you re also dyslexic, and obviously your life is so fucking busy with the four kids, the trying to modulate mother, you re in and out of places.
4
SPEAKER_01
So clearly you didn t get any help, I m guessing.
4
SPEAKER_01
I think I was super late at fifth grade.
4
SPEAKER_01
I learned to read in fifth grade, finally.
4
SPEAKER_01
But you were in high school and you really still can t read.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m like on a second or third grade level of reading.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I m just looking at the shape of words and guessing what they are.
4
SPEAKER_00
I felt stupid.
4
SPEAKER_00
I just knew I was stupid.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s so fucking crazy talking to you that you could convince yourself of that.
4
SPEAKER_00
But everybody was saying, you re so stupid.
4
SPEAKER_00
Girl, you stupid as hell.
4
SPEAKER_00
You gotta be the stupidest motherfucker I know.
4
SPEAKER_00
Damn, you dumb.
4
SPEAKER_01
And you re so fast, it s crazy.
4
SPEAKER_01
You re actually brilliant.
4
SPEAKER_00
Thank you.
4
SPEAKER_01
The notion that this little girl would not know she s brilliant is like a fucking travesty.
4
SPEAKER_00
Everybody is like, that s how you got to be careful how you talk to kids.
4
SPEAKER_00
They re listening and you help paint their world.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I didn t realize that their stupid was saying I was funny.
4
SPEAKER_00
Right.
4
SPEAKER_01
That word is used to be funny, too.
4
SPEAKER_01
In fact, black folks use it a ton.
4
SPEAKER_01
When I make black girls laugh, they always call me stupid.
4
SPEAKER_00
Are you so stupid?
4
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
4
SPEAKER_00
Damn, you dumb as hell.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
4
SPEAKER_00
You re dumber than a motherfucker.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
4
SPEAKER_00
I am dumb.
4
SPEAKER_00
Because you were already thinking that, or in your head, you re like, I can t even read.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, because I was already confused.
4
SPEAKER_00
I hate to feel confused.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s scary, right?
4
SPEAKER_00
I hate that fucking feeling.
4
SPEAKER_00
My sister s like, you out here just a control freak.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m not a control freak.
4
SPEAKER_00
I just don t want to feel confused, because I don t like surprises.
4
SPEAKER_00
Because you re trying to confuse me, and then I m going to get all like, ugh.
4
SPEAKER_01
And then they re going to pull the rug out.
4
SPEAKER_01
The shoe s going to drop.
4
SPEAKER_00
I hate that shit.
4
SPEAKER_01
So you start doing comedy at 17.
4
16.
4
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_01
16 or 17.
4
SPEAKER_01
You go to the laugh.
4
SPEAKER_01
You go to the laugh factory.
4
SPEAKER_01
You got like a counselor.
4
SPEAKER_00
Social worker.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
Let s not dress it up.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s not a counselor.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s a social worker.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
Counselor is something completely separate.
4
SPEAKER_00
I ended up getting an at court order just after.
4
SPEAKER_01
But basically, he or she gives you a choice.
4
SPEAKER_01
Go to the laugh factory.
4
SPEAKER_01
This is why, I mean, again, when you look back at your stories, like some of these things are impossible that someone would have said that to you.
4
SPEAKER_00
No, she gave me a choice.
4
SPEAKER_00
Do you have gratitude for this woman?
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, great gratitude.
4
SPEAKER_00
I ended up calling her and thanking her.
4
SPEAKER_00
And she s like, I just remember you being the nicest, sweetest little girl.
4
SPEAKER_00
And you kind of knew what you wanted to do.
4
SPEAKER_00
And you always made your way to go do it.
4
SPEAKER_00
We would tell you no, and you would figure out a way to make it happen.
4
SPEAKER_00
I wanted to go to Hell Middle School.
4
SPEAKER_00
And they were like, no, you got to go to this school.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I m like, no, I m going to Hell Middle School.
4
SPEAKER_00
I would catch the RTD at the time.
4
SPEAKER_00
It was RTD back in the day.
4
SPEAKER_00
The public translator would take three hours to get there.
4
SPEAKER_00
I did not care.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m going to this school.
4
SPEAKER_00
And the police kept coming to get me and stuff.
4
SPEAKER_00
Or a social worker would come and get me.
4
SPEAKER_00
Like, you re delinquent.
4
SPEAKER_00
You got to go to this school.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then I went in front of the judge, said, this is the school I want to go to, and this is why.
4
SPEAKER_00
And he s like, hey, let her go to that school.
4
SPEAKER_00
Why does everyone care?
4
SPEAKER_00
Most of these kids don t even want to go to school.
4
SPEAKER_00
Whatever school you want to go to, you can go to that school.
4
SPEAKER_01
We re happy you want to go to school.
4
SPEAKER_01
Because you can t read.
4
SPEAKER_01
I don t know what you re going to do there.
4
SPEAKER_01
I have fun.
4
SPEAKER_01
I have fucking fun there.
4
SPEAKER_00
I have fun getting people to read to me.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I exercise my memory skills and communication skills.
4
SPEAKER_01
Do you have a great memory?
4
SPEAKER_00
Pretty good.
4
SPEAKER_00
But it feels like once I started to really read, it started going down.
4
SPEAKER_00
It dwindled away.
4
SPEAKER_01
My theory on it is most dyslexics I know have a really, really good memory for oral stuff.
4
SPEAKER_01
So like anything I ve heard, because it s the only way you were going to get the info.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
You tell me a story, like if I run into you in 12 years, I will remember most of this story.
4
SPEAKER_00
Same here.
4
SPEAKER_00
I love audio books.
4
SPEAKER_00
I love taking newspaper articles and dropping it and speechify.
4
SPEAKER_00
I used to have that thing, remember back in the early 2000s, where they had that pen that you could graze across the words and it would speak in a robot voice.
4
SPEAKER_00
Did he speak it out loud to you?
4
SPEAKER_01
No, I never had that.
4
SPEAKER_00
You didn t have that?
4
SPEAKER_00
No.
4
SPEAKER_00
I saved my money up to get that.
4
SPEAKER_00
It was $56 and I got that bitch.
4
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I would scan it across words and it would say the stuff out loud.
4
SPEAKER_00
And it made it easier for me to remember.
4
SPEAKER_00
Just hearing other people say something is just way easier for me than reading it.
4
SPEAKER_01
That s why I did good in college because mostly the professor tells you everything ultimately you got to know.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I would just remember everything they said out loud.
4
SPEAKER_00
When they speak, do you like, look at their mouth, look at how they move their body, when they say certain words, little tics they do, and then I can memorize all that shit.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then I could copy them later, too.
4
SPEAKER_01
What year were you at SMC?
4
SPEAKER_00
It was 98, 99.
4
SPEAKER_01
I was there in 98, and then I went to UCLA in 99 in 2000.
4
SPEAKER_01
We might have been wandering the campus together.
4
SPEAKER_00
Were you in the drama classes?
4
SPEAKER_00
Not at all.
4
SPEAKER_00
I signed up for the theater program immediately, the Spanish class.
4
SPEAKER_01
Ooh, I failed that one like so many times.
4
SPEAKER_00
Man, I took Spanish so many damn times.
4
SPEAKER_01
I always got like a D or a C. That s better than I did.
4
SPEAKER_01
I had to go take it at West LA College because I couldn t pass it at SMC.
4
SPEAKER_01
I had to keep dropping it.
4
SPEAKER_01
Like I d get to that day.
4
SPEAKER_00
Now we re not going to pass this.
4
SPEAKER_00
We got to get out of here.
4
SPEAKER_01
So you start doing standup and are you immediately comfortable up there?
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I felt safest up there.
4
SPEAKER_00
I had already won all these drama festivals.
4
SPEAKER_00
It was the Southern California, whatever, drama competitions.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I had won in monologues already.
4
SPEAKER_00
So I felt extremely comfortable.
4
SPEAKER_00
The safest place.
4
SPEAKER_00
Like, nobody can hurt me up here.
4
SPEAKER_00
There s a whole room full of witnesses, if anybody.
4
SPEAKER_00
to do something.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I felt like the mastermind tickling people s souls, getting them to smile, getting them to laugh.
4
SPEAKER_00
Even if they didn t laugh, just getting them to not make any sound whatsoever and just look at me.
4
SPEAKER_00
Even if they re just looking like, I m like, they re not doing anything now.
4
SPEAKER_00
They re paying attention.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m getting attention and it s not negative.
4
SPEAKER_00
It doesn t hurt.
4
SPEAKER_01
And so you have a long
4
SPEAKER_01
run of doing comedy, and you re on every show that was ever made in some period before you end up as a regular.
4
SPEAKER_01
You re on New Girl, you re on My Name is Earl.
4
SPEAKER_01
Between stand-up and doing the occasional role, were you making a living?
4
SPEAKER_00
I was doing okay.
4
SPEAKER_00
I would have some months where I d be like, oh shit, I don t know how I m paying my rent.
4
SPEAKER_00
Let me try to talk to some more comedians.
4
SPEAKER_00
The one thing I did realize, especially in comedy, it s about relationships.
4
SPEAKER_00
If you want to make money in comedy, you need to be cool with other comedians.
4
SPEAKER_00
Most of my jobs have come from other comics, because comedians evolve into writers, producers, showrunners, directors.
5
SPEAKER_00
into all these other things.
5
SPEAKER_00
And they also end up becoming promoters, bookers for clubs and different shows and stuff.
5
SPEAKER_00
So having those positive relationships created an opportunity for me to make money.
5
SPEAKER_00
So if my money was getting really, really low, I m like, oh, shit, how am I going to pay my rent in this little car note for this raggedy car?
5
SPEAKER_01
My million mile metro.
5
SPEAKER_00
Right.
5
SPEAKER_00
But I did not have paid it off.
5
SPEAKER_00
Anyways, I would call different comics I knew that had rooms and be like, hey, do you need me to perform?
5
SPEAKER_00
Hey, can I open up for you?
5
SPEAKER_00
And a lot of times when I asked to open up for people, they would say, no, you can t open up for me, but I m going to call such and such.
5
SPEAKER_00
You know, I m like, oh, I ended up in the hospital.
5
SPEAKER_00
I got this crazy medical bill and my insurance isn t covering any of it.
5
SPEAKER_00
So I need help.
5
SPEAKER_00
I don t need you to give me money.
5
SPEAKER_00
Can you tell me where I can get some money?
5
SPEAKER_00
I call up comedy clubs constantly asking for spots, you know, send cookies and make some dinner, bring it up to the bookers.
5
SPEAKER_01
It seems like you have a good relationship with virtually every comedian.
5
SPEAKER_01
When does Kevin Hart enter your life?
5
SPEAKER_00
Kevin Hart enters my life early, when I was like 24.
5
SPEAKER_01
You were like living in your car when you guys met?
5
SPEAKER_00
I knew him before, and then I ended up living in my car.
5
SPEAKER_01
Okay, the Geo Metro.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
And we were doing a comedy playground together at the Laugh Factory on Wednesday nights.
5
SPEAKER_00
And it was like comedy playground featuring Kevin Hart.
5
SPEAKER_00
And so we were his sidekicks.
5
SPEAKER_00
We d do these sketches and we would tell jokes.
5
SPEAKER_00
And then they did this thing, Ask a Black Woman and Tiff Tips.
5
SPEAKER_00
Me on stage by myself.
5
SPEAKER_01
I want to hear a Tiff Tip, actually.
5
SPEAKER_00
Me too.
5
SPEAKER_01
What was the angle?
5
SPEAKER_00
Dirty nails, dirty D. Get that thing away from me.
5
SPEAKER_00
You don t want to be E.C.
5
SPEAKER_00
Keep them things away from me.
5
SPEAKER_01
So, The Carmichael Show, that s your first series regular role, right?
5
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
5
SPEAKER_01
And does that change your life?
5
SPEAKER_00
That does make a huge adjustment to my life.
5
SPEAKER_01
You know, you re getting these amount of paychecks.
5
SPEAKER_00
I was supposed to have this many episodes, and then they dropped down to this many episodes, and then, like, it might go up a few episodes.
5
SPEAKER_00
That first season was a little dicey.
5
SPEAKER_00
The second season was a lot better, because they realized people like this character.
5
SPEAKER_00
And then the third season, they fell back on using my character as much.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I think that s because I got too expensive.
5
SPEAKER_00
Sure.
5
SPEAKER_00
Oh, sure.
5
SPEAKER_01
But Lil Rel, we interviewed him in Toronto, and I like that dude so much.
5
SPEAKER_00
That s like my bestie.
5
SPEAKER_01
I had a hunch.
5
SPEAKER_01
He s such a genuine, sweet soul.
5
SPEAKER_01
And we also interviewed Drodd, which was incredible.
5
SPEAKER_01
That was fun, too.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I love him, too.
5
SPEAKER_01
Seventeen s the wildest year of your life.
5
SPEAKER_00
It was a fast year.
5
SPEAKER_00
My dad died that year.
5
SPEAKER_00
Girl Strip came out that year.
5
SPEAKER_00
My book came out that year.
5
SPEAKER_00
My very first comedy special came out that year.
5
SPEAKER_00
It was a lot.
5
SPEAKER_00
Probably like 17 jobs that year.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
I guess that s the year I become aware of you.
5
SPEAKER_01
I remember being just an immediate, enormous fan of yours.
5
SPEAKER_01
Like, oh, this is a very special force of nature and she s here now and this will be fun.
5
SPEAKER_02
Thank you.
5
SPEAKER_02
You re one of those people where everyone thinks, not everyone, but a lot of people are like, oh my gosh, Overnight Success, never heard of her.
5
SPEAKER_02
Now she s in 20, I m sure you ve heard that a million times.
5
SPEAKER_02
It s so crazy how long it takes to get to quote Overnight Success.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, by 2017, you re 38.
5
SPEAKER_01
We left out hosting SNL and winning an Emmy for that.
5
SPEAKER_01
That is a radical fucking thing.
5
SPEAKER_00
I know.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I auditioned for that show three times and didn t get it.
5
SPEAKER_00
And now I know why.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I m glad.
5
SPEAKER_01
Why didn t you get it?
5
SPEAKER_00
I would have imploded in that environment.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s a lot of pressure.
5
SPEAKER_00
I don t think I was mentally strong enough.
5
SPEAKER_00
I probably would have figured it out, but at first I would have fell to some really bad things.
5
SPEAKER_00
I wasn t ready.
5
SPEAKER_00
She was not ready.
5
SPEAKER_00
She was supposed to be the host, not the cast.
5
SPEAKER_01
And win an Emmy for it.
5
SPEAKER_01
I mean, my God.
5
SPEAKER_00
That part.
5
SPEAKER_01
Pretty rad, too, to have auditioned, not got it, and then roll in as a host and be the best of the year and get an Emmy.
5
SPEAKER_01
That s also a cool move.
5
SPEAKER_00
That s a great move.
5
SPEAKER_01
Much better story.
5
SPEAKER_00
And to be the first African-American female stand-up comedian to host.
5
SPEAKER_00
Wait, let me repeat that.
5
SPEAKER_00
The very first African-American Jewish stand-up comedian female to host.
5
SPEAKER_01
Hold on, let s go again.
5
SPEAKER_01
The very first dyslexic African-American Jewish female stand-up comedian to host.
5
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
5
SPEAKER_01
It s awesome.
5
SPEAKER_01
Did you experience, because weirdly for me, when everything came true is when the addiction got the worst and when I was suicidal for the first time in my life, because I had had this story about if I had this and I had that and I had that, I was going to finally feel good and I was going to feel safe and I was going to feel optimistic and we d be good.
5
SPEAKER_01
And then I got all those things.
5
SPEAKER_01
And I was like, I m more scared than ever.
5
SPEAKER_01
Why didn t that fix everything?
5
SPEAKER_01
Did you have that moment?
5
SPEAKER_00
My moment was a little different.
5
SPEAKER_00
If there is addiction, which I don t think there is, but I was drinking the most when I was married.
5
SPEAKER_00
Cause I didn t have to be super responsible for myself.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like, cause he said, I m gonna take care.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m gonna do this.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m gonna do that.
5
SPEAKER_00
So I m like, well, fuck it then.
5
SPEAKER_00
You do it.
5
SPEAKER_01
Right.
5
SPEAKER_01
I ll be back here tipping.
5
SPEAKER_00
I feel like that s when I was getting really bad.
5
SPEAKER_00
But once I got to that certain level of success that I m like, okay, this is past where I want it to be, but this is great.
5
SPEAKER_00
I wasn t sad because I m where I want to be or this was not enough.
5
SPEAKER_00
I was sad because my mom can t really enjoy it the way I would like her to enjoy it.
5
SPEAKER_00
My grandma wasn t able to enjoy it the way I would have liked her to enjoy it.
5
SPEAKER_00
My father is gone and my friends are acting different.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s gone from us helping each other and being there for each other to give me this Tiffany.
5
SPEAKER_00
always hearing problems instead of laughing with each other and enjoying each other like we normally would.
5
SPEAKER_00
It was so funny the first time somebody was like, yeah, Tiffany, I need a little help.
5
SPEAKER_00
I need some help with some money.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m like, okay, cool, what you need?
5
SPEAKER_00
And I m thinking they re gonna say like how we ve always said to each other, $100, $200 or something.
5
SPEAKER_00
They re like, yeah, I m gonna need like $20,000.
5
SPEAKER_00
I was like, $20,000?
5
SPEAKER_01
I had the exact same moment and the person said $56,000 and I go what the fuck are you talking about?
5
SPEAKER_01
And they re like, oh I had just gotten myself in all this debt and I know if I could clear it out this way I wouldn t have to pay the thing and I ll pay you back and I was like
5
SPEAKER_00
They won t pay you back, though.
5
SPEAKER_00
No, no.
5
SPEAKER_00
They ll never pay you back.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I ve developed a policy.
5
SPEAKER_00
At first, my policy was, if you need this money, I will lend you half of the money, and if you can pay me back by my birthday, great.
5
SPEAKER_00
If you can t pay me back, I still love you, but you just never can ask me for money again.
5
SPEAKER_01
This is my one time investment.
5
SPEAKER_00
That s a pretty lenient policy.
5
SPEAKER_00
People started resenting me.
5
SPEAKER_00
They started being really mean and nasty to me.
5
SPEAKER_00
So then my new policy now is I love you and I really value our friendship.
5
SPEAKER_00
I prefer you to be my actual friend.
5
SPEAKER_00
But if you need this money, then I ll give it to you.
5
SPEAKER_01
But know it s going to alter this.
5
SPEAKER_00
Know that we probably won t be friends anymore because I don t want you to resent me.
5
SPEAKER_01
Because they weirdly resent you.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yes, because you remind them too that they owe every time they see you.
5
SPEAKER_00
They re getting like new shoes and shit and you re like new cars.
5
SPEAKER_01
I saw you went on vacation.
5
SPEAKER_01
That s cool.
5
SPEAKER_01
That looked fun.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
And they say they re going to pay you.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m going to get the money.
5
SPEAKER_00
And it s like, OK, four years have gone by, bitch.
5
SPEAKER_00
And then they re like, new titties, new this, new that.
5
SPEAKER_00
Are those my titties?
5
SPEAKER_00
Tommy Tuck, BBL.
5
SPEAKER_00
What is that?
5
SPEAKER_00
Is some of my money on that ass?
5
SPEAKER_00
You re walking around with my ass.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
Oof.
5
SPEAKER_00
I felt just very disappointed in people.
5
SPEAKER_00
Already my expectations was very low for people before then, because of all the stuff that happened as a teenager and in my 20s.
5
SPEAKER_00
But at that point, I m holding an expectation for you at the bottom of the barrel, and you just went underneath the fucking barrel.
5
SPEAKER_00
So now, I m like, zero expectation.
5
SPEAKER_00
I expect everyone to be a piece of shit at some point, but I m going to give you the benefit of the doubt.
5
SPEAKER_00
But I m not going to let you get close enough to be the full piece of shit that you could potentially be.
5
SPEAKER_02
So everyone s sort of at a tiny bit of an arm s length.
5
SPEAKER_02
Everybody s like this.
5
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_02
Which is hard.
5
SPEAKER_01
You don t think that s one way?
5
SPEAKER_01
I think that s a little... Uh-uh, because... Uh-uh.
5
Uh-uh, uh-uh.
5
SPEAKER_00
No, I kind of like this.
5
SPEAKER_00
I get to look at everybody.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I can spend time over here, spend time over here, but I m spending time at a distance.
5
SPEAKER_00
And what I love is I ve developed this thing where...
5
SPEAKER_00
Once a month I have a game night, and I invite all the people that I care about to the game night.
5
SPEAKER_00
And it s so many people that want some of my time, that want to spend one-on-one time with me and all this stuff, but it s too many people here now.
5
SPEAKER_00
So, you get a little bit, you get a little bit, you get five minutes, you get 10, you might get 25, and we re playing games.
5
SPEAKER_00
And now if you want to ask me for money, you got to ask me in front of everybody.
5
SPEAKER_00
If you want to ask me for some shit, you gotta ask me in front of everybody.
5
SPEAKER_00
Somebody s liable to come interrupt this conversation if you ask me for some weird-ass shit.
5
SPEAKER_02
But then who gets your secrets?
5
SPEAKER_02
Your sister?
5
SPEAKER_02
Who do you have in your life who you can just be full- I don t keep no fucking secrets no more.
5
SPEAKER_02
Fuck secrets.
5
SPEAKER_02
Well, that s also a good policy.
5
SPEAKER_01
Well, yeah, I read a thing.
5
SPEAKER_01
So I m like you in that I ll just say everything and then I ll get compliments for being honest.
5
SPEAKER_01
But I also know that I don t deserve them so much.
5
SPEAKER_01
What s really happening with me, and I feel like it s the same with you, is I refuse to let anyone shame me.
5
SPEAKER_01
I already lived in that after my youth.
5
SPEAKER_01
Right, so I ll just get it out there before you can even try to fucking shame me.
5
SPEAKER_01
Every time I shit my pants, I come in here on the podcast, in front of millions of people, I say, shit my pants this morning.
5
SPEAKER_02
You did?
5
SPEAKER_02
Not today, but a lot of days.
5
SPEAKER_01
Once a year, I do.
5
SPEAKER_02
Diarrhea?
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, a little bit.
5
SPEAKER_01
It s never a full of... I ve never had a log in my pants.
5
SPEAKER_00
The first time that happened to me was like the day after my 21st birthday.
5
SPEAKER_00
I realized I can t drink brown liquor.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I was at work picked up a suitcase And they would not let me go home I had to rip the lining out of my uniform pants Oh, it s so humiliating rid of my socks neighbors try to call me do the girl
5
SPEAKER_01
I ain t perfect.
5
SPEAKER_00
Ain t nothing wrong with that.
5
SPEAKER_01
You kind of are though.
5
SPEAKER_00
No, I m not.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, you re pretty radical.
5
SPEAKER_01
I ve been farting over here the whole time.
5
SPEAKER_00
That s perfect.
5
SPEAKER_00
You re falling in love with me.
5
SPEAKER_00
That s my love spell.
5
SPEAKER_00
Slowly.
5
SPEAKER_01
Elixir.
5
SPEAKER_01
Now when you wrote
6
SPEAKER_00
Last Black Unicorn, also 17, you told your story.
6
SPEAKER_00
Did you think at the time you wrote that book, like, I ll write this book and that ll be that?
6
SPEAKER_00
Or did you get a sense that you would also write again?
6
SPEAKER_01
I thought I d write that book.
6
SPEAKER_01
And then it was so many pages.
6
SPEAKER_01
I was like, I m gonna have to do another one.
6
SPEAKER_01
Cause this is too long.
6
SPEAKER_01
I don t like super long books.
6
SPEAKER_01
So I took a bunch of stuff out and I didn t elaborate.
6
SPEAKER_00
So you had a pile of things that you liked and did want to share, but just out of space, you were like, we got to pare this down.
6
SPEAKER_01
And then I put it in this new book that s coming out May 7th.
6
SPEAKER_00
I curse you with joy.
6
SPEAKER_00
There s a million wonderful stories in it.
6
SPEAKER_00
We could talk about it.
6
SPEAKER_01
It s not a million.
6
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
6
SPEAKER_00
You re right.
6
SPEAKER_00
That d be too long.
6
SPEAKER_01
Way too fucking long.
6
SPEAKER_01
Too much shit.
6
SPEAKER_00
There s probably 25, 30 stories in it.
6
SPEAKER_00
How about that?
6
SPEAKER_00
A perfect amount of stories.
6
SPEAKER_00
How about that?
6
SPEAKER_01
Enough to make a movie.
6
SPEAKER_02
Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.
6
SPEAKER_00
So I do want you to tell one of them because my favorite actor of all time, Nick Cage, he s my dude.
6
SPEAKER_00
Tell me your Nick Cage story.
6
SPEAKER_00
There s an actual chapter called Nick Cage.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I probably should have sent that to him before I did it, huh?
6
SPEAKER_00
No, he ll love it.
6
SPEAKER_00
How could he not love this?
6
SPEAKER_00
I m jealous of Nick Cage when I read that story.
6
SPEAKER_01
So I was 17, and that movie, Face Off, came out.
6
SPEAKER_01
I m in the movie theater with this guy on a date.
6
SPEAKER_01
We re making out.
6
SPEAKER_01
He starts fiddling around.
6
SPEAKER_00
And you haven t done any of this yet.
6
SPEAKER_01
I have never had an orgasm before.
6
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
6
SPEAKER_01
I hit his finger on me.
6
SPEAKER_00
I m enjoying it.
6
SPEAKER_00
You re more romantic in the story.
6
SPEAKER_01
You want me to do it the sexy way?
6
SPEAKER_01
I wrote it in a more romantic... When I tell it to a man, I just make it more, you know... Well, we have a big female listener base.
6
SPEAKER_01
No, I tell it to the ladies.
6
SPEAKER_01
Like, if it was just me and her in here, I d be like, so first.
6
SPEAKER_00
Think of me as a lady.
6
SPEAKER_00
I like the buildup.
6
Okay.
6
SPEAKER_01
So we at the movies.
6
SPEAKER_00
Oh my God.
6
SPEAKER_01
Nobody else is there.
6
SPEAKER_01
Like 8 o clock movie?
6
SPEAKER_01
Is that me?
6
SPEAKER_01
No, it s like a late night movie and nobody else was in the theater.
6
SPEAKER_01
We re in the back of the theater.
6
SPEAKER_00
He knew.
6
SPEAKER_00
He was a pro.
6
SPEAKER_01
He s definitely a pro.
6
SPEAKER_01
He s like three or four years older than me.
6
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
6
SPEAKER_01
He s like 21.
6
SPEAKER_01
He can drink.
6
SPEAKER_01
He can drive.
6
SPEAKER_01
Oh, he knows how to drive.
6
SPEAKER_01
We re in a raggedy Volkswagen, and we re in there, we re in the theater, and we re watching a movie, and the movie s pretty good, and we start making out, we start kissing.
6
SPEAKER_01
And then he started feeling all over my body, exploring places and everything.
6
SPEAKER_01
Then going all up under my skirt and everything.
6
SPEAKER_01
Rubbing on the outside of my panties.
6
SPEAKER_01
I m like, what a pro!
6
SPEAKER_01
He took his time.
6
SPEAKER_01
And then I m trying to act like I m watching a movie and he kisses me on my neck and stuff and I m like looking at the movie.
6
SPEAKER_01
and him smelling his ear.
6
SPEAKER_01
You know what I m saying?
6
SPEAKER_00
Well, he started by licking your ear.
6
SPEAKER_01
No, he was like kissing on my neck.
6
SPEAKER_01
Oh, he did lick my ear a little bit.
6
SPEAKER_00
Yes, he did.
6
SPEAKER_01
Oh, you remember that part.
6
SPEAKER_00
Of course I do.
6
SPEAKER_00
I remember every step of this.
6
SPEAKER_01
It s funny because now I do not want anybody to ever fucking lick my ears because I have been through some other shit after that.
6
SPEAKER_01
This is before I was damaged, okay?
6
SPEAKER_00
Before I was destroyed.
6
SPEAKER_00
Before the eggs were not cracked yet.
6
SPEAKER_00
Before I was ruined.
6
SPEAKER_01
Before I keloid scarred on my soul of ecstasy.
6
SPEAKER_01
Oh.
6
SPEAKER_01
You know, he s doing all this stuff, whatever, to me, and then he s under my skirt, and then he s, like, fiddling around in between them lips and everything, and I m like, oh my God, I never felt nothing like this before.
6
SPEAKER_01
And he s, like, fiddling the thing thing, and I m like, oh my goodness, my eyes are closed, and then I open my eyes, and when I open my eyes, the camera is on Nicolas Cage s eyes.
6
SPEAKER_00
Close up.
6
SPEAKER_01
Close up on his eyes, so it s his eyes and my eyes are locked, and then I am having an orgasm.
6
SPEAKER_00
Your first orgasm with somebody.
6
SPEAKER_00
My very first.
6
SPEAKER_00
Not in your life.
6
SPEAKER_00
In my life.
6
SPEAKER_00
You hadn t played with yourself?
6
SPEAKER_00
Fuck, no.
6
SPEAKER_01
It was the 1900s.
6
SPEAKER_01
What pornography was available to me to know how to masturbate?
6
SPEAKER_01
Okay, I have read some things.
6
SPEAKER_00
You haven t humped a pillow or?
6
SPEAKER_00
No.
6
SPEAKER_00
Okay, I m not accusing you of anything.
6
SPEAKER_01
I ve been out to teddy bear and stuff before, but not to like orgasm.
6
SPEAKER_00
Not to the climax, okay.
6
SPEAKER_01
Just like humping a bear a little bit.
6
SPEAKER_01
That feels weird.
6
SPEAKER_01
With tight jeans, ooh, that s crazy.
6
SPEAKER_01
But I never had an orgasm before.
6
SPEAKER_00
In your locked eyes with Nicolas Cage.
6
SPEAKER_01
Locked eyes with Nicolas Cage.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I m like, am I peeing?
6
SPEAKER_01
I don t know what s happening right now.
6
SPEAKER_01
I m not making any noise.
6
SPEAKER_01
I m just like... I guess I am making noise.
6
SPEAKER_01
My feet are going up and he s like, yeah, that s it.
6
SPEAKER_01
That s it, girl.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I m like... Oh, this is so exciting.
6
SPEAKER_00
Holding a fucking stare with Nicolas Cage.
6
SPEAKER_01
And it was like, bam.
6
SPEAKER_01
So then cut to The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I m like, oh my gosh, I m going to work with Nicolas Cage and I m doing scenes with Nicolas Cage.
6
SPEAKER_00
And you never bumped into him.
6
SPEAKER_00
He s very elusive.
6
SPEAKER_00
Never bumped into him before.
6
SPEAKER_01
You gotta pay to see him.
6
SPEAKER_01
I guess so.
6
SPEAKER_01
Or you gotta be in karaoke places.
6
SPEAKER_00
Reptile houses.
6
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
6
SPEAKER_01
You gotta be in a haunted house.
6
SPEAKER_01
So I get to set and it s COVID and I ve been in lockdown at least for two weeks.
6
SPEAKER_01
They ve already been filming.
6
SPEAKER_01
I get to set.
6
SPEAKER_01
There s a guy in front of me in this hot pink leather jacket and all these patches all over and Mr. Vegas or whatever.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I m like, oh fuck, that s Nicolas Cage.
6
SPEAKER_01
And we start rehearsing the scene and he has his mask on.
6
SPEAKER_01
And so it s just the eyes.
6
SPEAKER_00
It s isolating just the eyes.
6
SPEAKER_00
Oh my God.
6
SPEAKER_00
And my body is like, yo, those are the eyes.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I m like, no, no, gross, no.
6
SPEAKER_01
I have to be professional.
6
SPEAKER_01
There s this whole conflict going on and I m like having the hardest time saying my lines.
6
SPEAKER_01
I m having the hardest time doing anything.
6
SPEAKER_01
This is incredible.
6
SPEAKER_01
It s like I just learned how to fucking act that morning.
6
SPEAKER_00
On the way to set.
6
SPEAKER_00
It is.
6
SPEAKER_01
Fucking horrible.
6
SPEAKER_01
They didn t even use any of those scenes in the movie.
6
SPEAKER_01
Because it was so bad.
6
SPEAKER_01
I m sure the director s like, why did I hire this bitch?
6
SPEAKER_01
Why are they saying she s great?
6
SPEAKER_01
I don t get it.
6
SPEAKER_01
I don t understand.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I asked for a rehearsal beforehand.
6
SPEAKER_01
I was kind of nervous.
6
SPEAKER_01
So then I said, you know what?
6
SPEAKER_01
I got to tell you a story.
6
SPEAKER_01
And it s probably very inappropriate, but I think it s the only way I m going to be able to get through this.
6
SPEAKER_01
It s the only way that my brain is going to be able to calibrate and focus.
6
SPEAKER_01
Because this is not who I am.
6
SPEAKER_01
It s too loud in my brain.
6
SPEAKER_01
And you re looking at me with your eyes.
6
SPEAKER_00
You re using your eyes to look at me.
6
SPEAKER_01
If you was looking at me with your nostrils, you could just be looking at me with just like your cheek.
6
SPEAKER_01
I got to tell you this story.
6
SPEAKER_01
He was like, go ahead and tell me.
6
SPEAKER_01
I said, but it s very inappropriate.
6
SPEAKER_01
I don t want you to take it the wrong way.
6
SPEAKER_01
It s inappropriate.
6
SPEAKER_01
He s like, I can handle it.
6
SPEAKER_01
I m appropriate.
6
SPEAKER_01
Tell me what s going on.
6
SPEAKER_01
What are you talking about?
6
SPEAKER_01
And I was like, all right, I ma tell you.
6
SPEAKER_01
So I told him the story.
6
SPEAKER_00
But you gave him the quick one, obviously.
6
SPEAKER_00
Did you tell him, like, kissing and the neck?
6
SPEAKER_01
No, no, I gave him the quick version.
6
SPEAKER_01
The cliff notes of it.
6
SPEAKER_01
And he burst out laughing.
6
SPEAKER_01
Of course.
6
SPEAKER_01
And he was like, oh, that s crazy.
6
SPEAKER_01
You know, my first wife saw me in a movie when she was on a date with a guy.
6
SPEAKER_01
She said, I m gonna marry that guy.
6
SPEAKER_01
And then we got married.
6
SPEAKER_01
None of that s gonna be happening over here, right?
6
SPEAKER_01
I just need to say that.
6
SPEAKER_00
What if he took you to Faceoff?
6
SPEAKER_00
He found it playing somewhere in Budapest, then he took you there.
6
SPEAKER_00
Still off the table.
6
SPEAKER_00
I mean, he s married.
6
SPEAKER_01
We gotta forget- He wasn t married yet at the time.
6
SPEAKER_01
They were engaged.
6
SPEAKER_01
And if he would ve offered to take me to the movies to see that, I would ve been like,
6
SPEAKER_01
I ve seen it already.
6
SPEAKER_02
Thank you.
6
SPEAKER_02
I d much rather go karaoke-ing.
6
SPEAKER_01
Maybe we can go see Dracula s castle or something.
6
SPEAKER_01
Let s go look at a palace.
6
SPEAKER_01
I would much rather do a lunch.
6
SPEAKER_01
I told him my story and then it was like the best work day ever.
6
SPEAKER_01
And we hit it off immediately and he started telling me stories about industry stuff.
6
SPEAKER_01
I started telling him stories about stuff.
6
SPEAKER_01
We became friends.
6
SPEAKER_00
Is he rad?
6
SPEAKER_00
I want him to be rad so much.
6
SPEAKER_01
Red?
6
SPEAKER_00
Rad.
6
SPEAKER_00
White boy talk.
6
SPEAKER_01
I haven t heard that shit in so long.
6
SPEAKER_01
I haven t heard that since 1999.
6
SPEAKER_01
He is rad.
6
SPEAKER_01
Some of the other actors were feeling some type of way because they re like, we ve been with him for all this time and he hasn t been talking to us like that.
6
SPEAKER_01
I say, you didn t share a story about you having an orgasm for the first time.
6
SPEAKER_00
Go jerk off watching Face Off, then come in tomorrow.
6
SPEAKER_01
That s on them.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I m like, no, I m sure he likes you.
6
SPEAKER_01
They re like, no, he doesn t like me.
6
SPEAKER_01
He hates me.
6
SPEAKER_01
He doesn t talk to me.
6
SPEAKER_01
He likes to have conversations with you.
6
SPEAKER_01
But I was asking him questions, too.
6
SPEAKER_01
Like, how do you manage being in this business?
6
SPEAKER_01
What was it like when you were so young?
6
SPEAKER_01
What do you feel like was your biggest pitfalls?
6
SPEAKER_01
What was the things that knocked you off your rocker that you just couldn t believe happened?
6
SPEAKER_01
What were the good moments?
6
SPEAKER_01
What did you do with your money?
6
SPEAKER_01
How did you make it grow?
6
SPEAKER_01
And he s like, shit, I fucked my money off.
6
SPEAKER_01
And you re kind of like... Very famously.
6
SPEAKER_00
In fact, you should have avoided that question if you did a little more research.
6
SPEAKER_01
fucking question.
6
SPEAKER_01
Ask it.
6
SPEAKER_00
Cause I knew he had castles and he had a business manager that was fucked up.
6
SPEAKER_01
He told me cause also that was in the movie.
6
SPEAKER_01
I was like, how did you let that slide by?
6
SPEAKER_01
He was like, I was out there.
6
SPEAKER_01
I was doing that.
6
SPEAKER_01
I was like fucking just who pays attention to that shit when you re
6
SPEAKER_01
He s right and he s like Tiffany, what are you doing?
6
SPEAKER_01
You need to make sure you do this So I love talking to people that have made those mistakes Yeah, that s because they can tell you how to avoid them and I m telling him this is what I want to do Like every time I do a movie I m gonna buy a piece of land put it in a business or a trust for my family and do this for my family and he s like how many kids do you have?
6
SPEAKER_01
And I m like, no, because I m going to be old one day and I m going to need somebody to take care of me.
6
SPEAKER_01
They re probably going to want to get money for it.
6
SPEAKER_01
So he s like, you re very smart, very intelligent young lady.
6
SPEAKER_01
And then it meant so much to me to hear him say that I was smart.
6
SPEAKER_01
I would come on set and he would be like, TITTER!
6
SPEAKER_01
Like he would light up.
6
SPEAKER_00
Of course.
6
SPEAKER_02
Wouldn t it be so funny if the rest of the cast every day would go up to him and make up a story about when they orgasmed in front of him so that he could start loving them too?
6
SPEAKER_02
But I didn t tell all of them what I said because
7
SPEAKER_00
Some of them didn t speak English, but also because I felt like it was inappropriate.
7
SPEAKER_00
Like, you shouldn t be telling your co-workers stuff like this.
7
SPEAKER_00
I was bombing hard.
7
SPEAKER_00
And it was respectful the way I did it.
7
SPEAKER_02
Also, much better if a woman s telling a dude that story than a dude telling a woman.
7
SPEAKER_02
Like, if you re a young actor, male on set, and you re with an older actress, you don t need to tell her that you came watching her eyes.
7
SPEAKER_02
It s gendered a little bit, too.
7
SPEAKER_00
I mean...
7
SPEAKER_00
I m going to be honest with you.
7
SPEAKER_02
When you hit 60?
7
SPEAKER_00
Some young buck?
7
SPEAKER_00
When I was 60, 70 years old and I met some young guys.
7
SPEAKER_00
Justin.
7
SPEAKER_00
I was watching Girls Trip and you were really handling that banana.
7
SPEAKER_00
I was getting my first blow job.
7
SPEAKER_00
And this girl that I like was like, oh, let me try that.
7
SPEAKER_00
And it was like, yo.
7
SPEAKER_00
And I just want to thank you, Tiffany.
7
SPEAKER_00
And I would say, you re welcome.
7
SPEAKER_00
And you know what?
7
SPEAKER_00
I m not going to do that for you, young man.
7
SPEAKER_00
That s someone else s job.
7
SPEAKER_00
I can pay these mortgages.
7
SPEAKER_00
Oh, that s great.
7
SPEAKER_02
I want to ask you one thing about dating because I feel so bad for every woman who has become powerful and shiny.
7
SPEAKER_00
Men cannot handle that.
7
SPEAKER_02
But what s even worse than they can t handle it, they re attracted to it.
7
SPEAKER_02
I m thinking of the billionaire.
7
SPEAKER_02
The story that I heard that to me really illustrates what you re up against when you re a powerful woman who has her own thing going is they re attracted to that so much.
7
SPEAKER_02
But then the second they re with it, they re so threatened by it.
7
SPEAKER_02
that they want you to stop it.
7
SPEAKER_02
Is that the pattern of a lot of these?
7
SPEAKER_00
I think even the poor men.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
7
SPEAKER_02
They re threatened by the attention and the other people you know and that you make your own shit.
7
SPEAKER_02
You don t need them.
7
SPEAKER_02
That s threatening.
7
SPEAKER_00
I think that s why a lot of successful women turn into lesbians.
7
SPEAKER_02
Interesting.
7
SPEAKER_02
Because women don t have that problem like men do, or not nearly as much.
7
SPEAKER_00
Exactly.
7
SPEAKER_00
Another woman is not going to be like, oh, she makes more money than me, fuck this bitch.
7
SPEAKER_00
No, they re going to be like, she makes more money than me, and I keep that house clean, and we go on fucking awesome trips, and we have a blast.
7
SPEAKER_01
Right.
7
SPEAKER_00
And she fucking body rocks the shit out of me.
7
SPEAKER_00
Like, she s so affectionate towards me or whatever.
7
SPEAKER_02
They re not threatened by it.
7
SPEAKER_00
No, and the other woman s not feeling like, well, I do all this shit for her.
7
SPEAKER_00
There s an even exchange.
7
SPEAKER_00
I think it s possible between a man and a woman.
7
SPEAKER_00
But that s why, like, I don t ever spend more than $20 on a dude.
7
SPEAKER_00
Unless it s a business thing and it s like, oh, I sent flowers or he works for me and he s doing this thing and it s still not me.
7
SPEAKER_00
It s the company that s doing that shit.
7
SPEAKER_00
I m not doing that shit.
7
SPEAKER_02
But the field of men you have to select from is really, really small.
7
SPEAKER_02
Men that are so confident in who they are that they re not threatened by how much you have going on.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
7
SPEAKER_00
Or not threatened by other rich men being around.
7
SPEAKER_02
Or movie stars.
7
SPEAKER_00
I don t think I ll ever fuck a movie star.
7
SPEAKER_00
You ve never fucked a single movie star?
7
SPEAKER_00
I fucked an entertainer.
7
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
7
SPEAKER_02
That could be anything, that could be a sports person.
7
SPEAKER_00
I don t think I ll ever do that again.
7
SPEAKER_00
Really?
7
SPEAKER_00
I think I ll fuck one again, but never be in a relationship with one again.
7
SPEAKER_02
There we go.
7
SPEAKER_02
I like that more for you.
7
SPEAKER_00
Because you think they re more sensitive to this ism?
7
SPEAKER_00
Girl, yes.
7
SPEAKER_00
Their egos, you know?
7
SPEAKER_00
I know.
7
SPEAKER_00
I think men really want you to be submissive, and I am submissive, but not in all realms.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
7
SPEAKER_02
You re not gonna extinguish your flame to make someone else feel better.
7
SPEAKER_00
Right.
7
SPEAKER_02
No, you can t do that.
7
SPEAKER_02
That s such a betrayal of yourself.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I m never doing that again.
7
SPEAKER_02
And a lot of men want that, right?
7
SPEAKER_00
Either stop doing all the shit you re doing or let me pimp you out.
7
SPEAKER_00
Let me run your business.
7
SPEAKER_00
Let me decide where you get to perform.
7
SPEAKER_00
Let me decide when you get to go on vacation.
7
SPEAKER_00
And I wouldn t mind that so much if it was a we thing.
7
SPEAKER_00
We decide when I work this job.
7
SPEAKER_00
When a man makes me feel like I m his property, I m his little dog that he walks or that he shows off at every party.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, show pony in me.
7
SPEAKER_00
I do not like that shit at all.
7
SPEAKER_00
I don t mind if we go to a party and he s like, look at her.
7
SPEAKER_00
Don t she look so good?
7
SPEAKER_00
I love this dress on her.
7
SPEAKER_00
That s great.
7
SPEAKER_00
Cute.
7
SPEAKER_02
Borderline for me.
7
SPEAKER_00
It is borderline.
7
SPEAKER_02
Dudes who date someone that s attractive because they want to get the approval from other people, your dude should say all that to you at home.
7
SPEAKER_02
But those dudes that are really showing, I m always like, what s going on here?
7
SPEAKER_00
You really don t need to do that with me because people already know.
7
SPEAKER_02
You re already wowing people.
7
SPEAKER_00
I got a DUI and that shit was on the Korean news.
7
SPEAKER_00
I am popping.
7
SPEAKER_00
Korean news?
7
SPEAKER_00
I m popping, motherfucker.
7
SPEAKER_00
I m international.
7
SPEAKER_00
Any studio say she not international, I ll be like, Google- Was your DUI in the Korean news?
7
SPEAKER_00
First of all, Google famous black women who have been arrested for DUI.
7
SPEAKER_00
There s nobody else.
7
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I don t think I know of one off the top of my head.
7
SPEAKER_02
But I didn t know about yours until I was researching you today.
7
SPEAKER_00
But I got into an argument with this other female comic, and she s like, you just ruined your whole fucking career.
7
SPEAKER_00
I said, ruined my career?
7
SPEAKER_00
If anything, I m able to prove to the studios that I m international, bitch.
7
SPEAKER_00
I m on that level, bitch.
7
SPEAKER_00
And I won t be on this level forever.
7
SPEAKER_00
But you know what?
7
SPEAKER_00
It was me and Josephine Baker that popped up in the motherfucking article.
7
SPEAKER_00
It was me and Josephine motherfucking Baker.
7
SPEAKER_00
That bitch is a legend.
7
SPEAKER_01
She adopted a bunch of kids.
7
SPEAKER_00
I got 40 kids living in my goddamn units and shit.
7
SPEAKER_00
I m doing something, bitch.
7
SPEAKER_00
That s how I felt about it.
7
SPEAKER_00
And she was like, excuse me.
7
SPEAKER_02
What was the hardest chapter to write for I Curse You With Joy?
7
SPEAKER_00
There was one that was super hard and I ended up taking it out because I felt like I don t want to talk about it.
7
SPEAKER_00
What I learned from the first book is you re going to have to talk about it.
7
SPEAKER_02
Well, yeah, there s a whole section where you re answering the fucking questions that you can t escape from the first book.
7
SPEAKER_02
Here, let me just finally tell you the answers of this and you can just pipe down about it.
7
SPEAKER_00
I ain t wanna relive it, I m done with it, it is what it is.
7
SPEAKER_02
But what one in the book that made it were you on the fence about?
7
SPEAKER_00
Maybe the Getting Stoned one, because I didn t want to sound racist.
7
SPEAKER_02
Tell us the Getting Stoned one.
7
SPEAKER_00
You didn t read it?
7
SPEAKER_02
I didn t read the Getting Stoned one.
7
SPEAKER_02
Do you know what happened?
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, this is behind the curtain.
7
SPEAKER_02
This has never happened to us in six and a half years.
7
SPEAKER_02
You were in the schedule for tomorrow.
7
SPEAKER_00
I was?
7
SPEAKER_02
Yes, as was an expert on compassion.
7
SPEAKER_02
We re recording another show we do at 10 o clock this morning, and all of a sudden Rob goes, oh my God, the expert s five minutes away.
7
SPEAKER_02
And we go, what the fuck are you talking about?
7
SPEAKER_02
That s tomorrow.
7
SPEAKER_02
Everything that was in Thursday s schedule was supposed to happen today, which has never happened in six and a half years.
7
SPEAKER_02
And I immediately was like, Tiffany s gonna be.
7
SPEAKER_02
in four hours, like I need to read this book.
7
SPEAKER_02
So I read as much of it as I could.
7
SPEAKER_02
So I m not going to lie to you.
7
SPEAKER_02
But normally, because we had this bizarre fuck up, I would have known the getting high story.
7
SPEAKER_02
Are your feelings hurt by that?
7
SPEAKER_02
I just want to check in.
7
SPEAKER_00
No, no, I m not.
7
SPEAKER_00
Because I probably wouldn t have read it either.
7
SPEAKER_00
Well, no, I did as much as I humanly could.
7
SPEAKER_02
I did as much as I humanly could.
7
SPEAKER_00
I drank some tea with somebody, some marijuana tea.
7
SPEAKER_00
We had some conversations, and she wanted me to get arrested with her.
7
SPEAKER_00
And I m like, yo, if I get arrested, they might not let my ass out.
7
SPEAKER_00
They gonna let your white ass out.
7
SPEAKER_02
Why didn t you want to get arrested?
7
SPEAKER_02
To protest something?
7
SPEAKER_00
Yes, protest.
7
SPEAKER_00
You know white women when they want to get arrested, why they want to get arrested.
7
SPEAKER_00
That is not racist.
7
SPEAKER_00
Well, I did say some shit in there like, your white ass is going to be out the next day.
7
SPEAKER_00
They might decide to make an example of me and keep me.
7
SPEAKER_00
Exactly, yeah.
7
SPEAKER_00
They like to make examples of people like me.
7
SPEAKER_02
You getting arrested is a totally different... It is.
7
SPEAKER_02
Listen, I m going to be honest with you.
7
SPEAKER_02
When I started hearing the term white privilege, I m like, my life didn t feel all that fucking privileged.
7
SPEAKER_02
I got defensive.
7
SPEAKER_02
I m like, what was the privilege?
7
SPEAKER_02
But then I was like, oh, but you know what?
7
SPEAKER_02
I was a hardcore addict for 10 years.
7
SPEAKER_02
I was in and out of the hood buying crack.
7
SPEAKER_02
I got pulled over all the time, fucked up.
7
SPEAKER_02
No one ever searched me.
7
SPEAKER_02
And I was like, OK, real talk.
7
SPEAKER_02
I would have been in prison.
7
SPEAKER_00
so fast.
7
SPEAKER_00
If you was a black man and built the way you are?
7
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
7
SPEAKER_00
No, I m dead.
7
SPEAKER_00
Especially if you had them same eyes and you had skin the color of mine.
7
SPEAKER_00
Baby, you would have got locked up so fast and you would have been somebody s bitch.
7
SPEAKER_00
Probably worse the way I talked to people.
7
SPEAKER_02
I would have got shot.
7
SPEAKER_02
That all hit me where I was like, oh yeah, despite all the shit and the government cheese, I got to be an addict in a way that no black dude can be an addict.
7
SPEAKER_00
You got to have a comeback, like Grace.
7
SPEAKER_00
Where s the dude from, is it Roger?
7
SPEAKER_00
What you talking about, Willie?
7
SPEAKER_00
Oh, JJ?
7
SPEAKER_00
No, what you talking about, Willie?
7
SPEAKER_02
The older brother, Michael something?
7
SPEAKER_00
His name s not Michael something, but he never got a date.
7
SPEAKER_00
The older brother.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, he was fine with him.
7
SPEAKER_02
But he robbed a dry cleaner, or did the chick did?
7
SPEAKER_00
He was on drugs.
7
SPEAKER_00
He was selling drugs, doing drugs, all that stuff, no comeback.
7
SPEAKER_00
What black male actor, or female actor, which one has come back from that?
7
SPEAKER_00
Who s the black Robert Downey Jr. ?
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it s true.
7
SPEAKER_02
Well now you ve stumped me, but I m gonna mull this over.
7
SPEAKER_02
I m inclined to think you re dead right and that there isn t a single example.
7
SPEAKER_00
I don t even know any women.
7
SPEAKER_00
I know of women that have done drugs.
7
SPEAKER_02
Well, the person though that I ll say a sports person, and not to contradict you, I take your point and you re dead right.
7
SPEAKER_02
So I m not trying to contradict you.
7
SPEAKER_02
But Darryl Strawberry, he had the most publicized drug habit and was in the news all the time and he
7
SPEAKER_02
is in all these documentaries now, and he s very loved again, and people have a lot of compassion.
7
SPEAKER_02
I m so grateful for it, because he s such a sweet fucking guy.
7
SPEAKER_00
But is he playing baseball anymore?
7
SPEAKER_02
Well, he kind of passed his window of playing professional baseball.
7
SPEAKER_00
Right.
7
SPEAKER_00
There s no comeback.
7
SPEAKER_00
Is he a coach?
7
SPEAKER_00
Is he a team manager?
7
SPEAKER_00
Most baseball players, they end up becoming what, like coaches, team managers, owners, something.
7
SPEAKER_02
Point taken.
7
SPEAKER_02
I agree with you.
7
SPEAKER_00
Privilege.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
7
SPEAKER_00
And I m hoping my white privilege kick in at some point.
7
SPEAKER_00
on my 17%.
7
SPEAKER_02
Well, Tiffany, this was every bit as fun as I hoped it d be.
7
SPEAKER_02
I have not written any other actor more DMs on Instagram than I have you over the years.
7
SPEAKER_02
Is that true?
7
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I ve sent messages.
7
SPEAKER_00
I m about to find out right now.
7
SPEAKER_00
I stay out of the DMs because it d be penises that pop up and stuff.
7
SPEAKER_02
I don t fuck with DMs either.
7
SPEAKER_02
So when I send it, I m not expecting really anything, but I ve sent them because I m a huge fan.
7
SPEAKER_00
It s death.
8
SPEAKER_02
Black Shepard, right?
8
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I think so.
8
SPEAKER_02
And you DM d me?
8
SPEAKER_01
Yes, ma am.
8
SPEAKER_02
You DM d this Tiffany Haddish that has a blue checkmark?
8
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
8
SPEAKER_02
What if it was the other Tiffany Haddish?
8
SPEAKER_02
Because you don t even follow me, sir.
8
SPEAKER_01
Listen, I m going to start crafting you one.
8
SPEAKER_02
See if it pops.
8
SPEAKER_01
And see if my history.
8
SPEAKER_02
I just sent you one.
8
SPEAKER_02
Because you a lie.
8
Scary.
8
SPEAKER_02
I m scared.
8
SPEAKER_01
I am too.
8
SPEAKER_02
Did you DM my Twitter?
8
SPEAKER_02
This is on Instagram.
8
SPEAKER_01
I bet it s Twitter.
8
SPEAKER_01
You re right.
8
SPEAKER_01
Her DMing me is you a lie.
8
SPEAKER_02
Let me go look on my ex account.
8
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, but I don t have one anymore.
8
SPEAKER_01
I quit it like a year and a half ago.
8
SPEAKER_02
Oh, because you don t want to pay.
8
SPEAKER_01
That was before that.
8
SPEAKER_01
I was just like, this place makes me upset, and I get my feelings hurt here, why am I here?
8
SPEAKER_02
Maybe there might be some old messages in there for me, because you said- But I ve gone.
8
SPEAKER_01
I don t know how that s gonna come up.
8
SPEAKER_02
This was a full disaster.
8
SPEAKER_01
This was a major disaster, because I have sent you DMs, and I don t really know how to explain this.
8
SPEAKER_01
And I asked Ike Barron, we could call Ike right now.
8
SPEAKER_01
And I ve asked everyone I know.
8
SPEAKER_03
You definitely asked your people a lot.
8
SPEAKER_03
That I can vouch for, for sure.
8
SPEAKER_01
She s on the case.
8
SPEAKER_01
I feel like I m getting the experience of what it d be like if we were dating for three months.
8
SPEAKER_00
We were dating for three months, and you lied to me.
8
SPEAKER_01
I ll be like, oh.
8
SPEAKER_01
You thought I lied to you?
8
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
8
SPEAKER_02
Oh, for real?
8
SPEAKER_01
Look me in the eyes.
8
SPEAKER_01
Do you think I really didn t send you DMs that I haven t tried to reach out to you?
8
SPEAKER_02
I think that you sent DMs to the wrong Tiffany Haddish.
8
SPEAKER_02
I think you ve been- That might be possible.
8
SPEAKER_02
I think you ve been manipulated.
8
SPEAKER_02
Because there s a lot of people that pretend to be me online, and they re not me.
8
SPEAKER_02
Was there a blue check mark?
8
SPEAKER_03
That is something also you might do on accident.
8
SPEAKER_01
The silver lining of this- Getting to know you.
8
SPEAKER_02
Getting to know us.
8
SPEAKER_02
Oh, look at this.
8
SPEAKER_02
Getting to like you.
8
SPEAKER_02
Getting to snoop on you.
8
SPEAKER_02
Getting to know you like me.
8
SPEAKER_02
I like you.
8
SPEAKER_01
I like you a lot.
8
SPEAKER_01
I ve never gone to pick up a guest, but I would a hundred more times.
8
SPEAKER_02
Thank you.
8
SPEAKER_02
What if I would have told you, I m at the police station.
8
SPEAKER_02
I need you to get me out of here.
8
SPEAKER_01
I m being serious, do you have this, when you know other people have had your thing, I, without knowing you, would probably do a lot.
8
SPEAKER_02
I know I m supposed to be there right now, but I m here at the police station.
8
SPEAKER_03
If you could come get me.
8
SPEAKER_03
You heard his story, he s dying to pick people up at the police station.
8
SPEAKER_01
I know, I know, I know.
8
SPEAKER_01
I know how to get to all of them.
8
SPEAKER_01
That would have been better.
8
SPEAKER_02
Hilarious, that would have been a way better story to tell too.
8
SPEAKER_02
Tiffany, how did you end up at the police station?
8
SPEAKER_02
So what happened was, Tim, what I witnessed was,
8
SPEAKER_01
But I mean, sincere, when you know people have been through the shit, kids who are going through it, who have been through the shit, who are scared of the adults in their house, I will be there for those people.
8
SPEAKER_01
So like, if I think, or I know, I heard, you got a car accident, I m like, oh, I ll go right now.
8
SPEAKER_02
I was shocked when you said that.
8
SPEAKER_01
I m coming.
8
SPEAKER_01
It could have been anywhere.
8
SPEAKER_02
Really?
8
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
8
SPEAKER_02
But I was right down the street.
8
SPEAKER_01
Unfortunately, I don t get to prove it.
8
SPEAKER_01
You re going to get fucked up somewhere like down in Orange County.
8
SPEAKER_02
Korean news will hear all about it.
8
SPEAKER_02
Oh, my gosh.
8
SPEAKER_02
You know, what s crazy, too, is I was like, dang, I need to be back driving my Volkswagen Eos.
8
SPEAKER_02
I ain t driven it in a minute.
8
SPEAKER_01
Well, you re going to be.
8
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I m going to be out of necessity for the next few days.
8
SPEAKER_02
Research what kind of car I want now.
8
SPEAKER_01
Tiffany, I love this, and it was everything I thought it might be, and I m really excited that we got to have you.
8
SPEAKER_02
I m excited, too.
8
SPEAKER_01
I hope everyone gets I Curse You With Joy.
8
SPEAKER_01
You know what it makes me think of a little bit?
8
SPEAKER_01
Is Thank Him, Honey.
8
SPEAKER_01
Octavia.
8
SPEAKER_03
Oh, yeah.
8
SPEAKER_01
Octavia s got the greatest Thank Him, Honey.
8
SPEAKER_01
No matter what, they lowball her, Thank Him, Honey.
8
SPEAKER_02
I forgot about that.
8
SPEAKER_01
I curse you with joy.
8
SPEAKER_01
It s kind of like, thank you, honey.
8
SPEAKER_01
Well, I like that.
8
SPEAKER_01
Bless your heart.
8
SPEAKER_01
That s when I be really mad.
8
SPEAKER_02
I really don t want to fuck with you.
8
SPEAKER_01
Bless your heart.
8
SPEAKER_01
Bless your heart.
8
SPEAKER_01
It s a mess.
8
SPEAKER_01
Bless it.
8
SPEAKER_01
All right, Tiffany, now I m going to drive you home.
8
SPEAKER_02
Thank you, honey.
8
SPEAKER_01
This will continue.
8
SPEAKER_02
Another entire episode in the car ride home.
8
SPEAKER_02
My phone is charged up a little bit.
8
SPEAKER_02
We ll put the audio record.
8
SPEAKER_01
We can go anywhere.
8
SPEAKER_01
Oh, no.
8
SPEAKER_01
But it was good times.
8
SPEAKER_02
Oh, that was before the keloid.
8
SPEAKER_01
She deserved all the stuff.
8
SPEAKER_02
Smiling at my granny.
8
SPEAKER_01
Oh, sweet.
8
SPEAKER_01
Oh, grandparents.
8
SPEAKER_01
Aren t they the greatest?
8
SPEAKER_02
They re the best thing in the world.
8
SPEAKER_02
I wish I could resurrect people.
8
SPEAKER_01
The only thing that breaks my heart, I don t ever get this feeling where I wish someone could see me succeed or be proud of me.
8
SPEAKER_01
I would kill to bring my Papa Bob back to life and just hang with him for a few days in my life.
8
SPEAKER_01
And go like, I m kind of here because of you.
8
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
8
SPEAKER_01
Thank you.
8
SPEAKER_02
Thank you.
8
SPEAKER_01
Thanks for being such a sweet man.
8
SPEAKER_02
I mean, I used to tell my grandma, thank you all the time.
8
SPEAKER_02
And like, look at her in the eyes and say, I love you.
8
SPEAKER_02
And she d be like, girl, calm down.
8
SPEAKER_02
Stop it.
8
SPEAKER_03
You re being weird.
8
SPEAKER_03
Go to your clean room.
8
SPEAKER_02
And I just loved hugging her and smelling her wigs and stuff.
8
SPEAKER_02
She heard it though.
8
SPEAKER_02
Sometimes I ll be putting her wigs on now.
8
SPEAKER_01
All right.
8
SPEAKER_01
Adore you.
8
SPEAKER_01
I m weird.
8
SPEAKER_01
Everyone read, I curse you with joy.
8
SPEAKER_00
I sure hope there weren t any mistakes in that episode, but we ll find out when my mom, Mrs. Monica, comes in and tells us what was wrong.
8
SPEAKER_01
All these patterns are emerging.
8
SPEAKER_03
Between me and Aaron?
8
SPEAKER_01
You, Aaron, Charlie, not that he naps, but figuring out that I only hang out with people that are athletically superior to me.
8
SPEAKER_01
And now this one, I m drawn to nappers.
8
SPEAKER_03
I napped yesterday.
8
SPEAKER_03
I used to nap a lot, a lot, a lot.
8
SPEAKER_03
I don t really anymore unless I m really tired or often the week leading up to my period, which is now.
8
SPEAKER_01
I don t know why.
8
SPEAKER_01
I feel bad for you.
8
SPEAKER_01
I rarely get hit with that.
8
SPEAKER_01
It ll happen occasionally with jet lag or an illness where it s like, you get to one hour of the day, it s like 1 p.m.
8
SPEAKER_01
and all of a sudden you go like, oh, I have to lay down right now.
8
SPEAKER_01
Your body s like, I quit.
8
SPEAKER_03
Oh, look who s here.
8
SPEAKER_03
Here he is.
8
SPEAKER_01
Were you taking a nap?
8
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
8
SPEAKER_03
He knew it.
8
SPEAKER_01
I knew it.
8
SPEAKER_01
And then Monica said, I took a nap yesterday.
8
SPEAKER_01
And I said, boy, we re really discovering some patterns about who I m drawn to.
8
SPEAKER_03
Nappers.
8
SPEAKER_01
Super athletic nappers.
8
SPEAKER_03
It s not fair to call me super athletic.
8
SPEAKER_01
Counterintuitive, too.
8
SPEAKER_01
I don t associate super athletes with also nappers.
8
SPEAKER_03
Well, you have to nap to rejuvenate your muscles.
8
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
8
SPEAKER_03
I actually do think that s why I partly I napped.
8
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
8
SPEAKER_03
This is a great thing for us to talk about.
8
SPEAKER_03
Right.
8
SPEAKER_03
I m in a dilemma.
8
SPEAKER_01
Oh great, we ll have advice whether it s right or wrong.
8
SPEAKER_03
I need both of your advice.
8
SPEAKER_03
So I m back on my wogs.
8
SPEAKER_03
In case Erin doesn t know.
8
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, my wog is a lap of walking, then two laps running, lap walking, two laps running.
8
SPEAKER_01
We ll say jogging, so that wog makes sense.
8
SPEAKER_03
No, but it s running, because I m running fast.
8
SPEAKER_03
The combo.
8
SPEAKER_01
Then you should call it a wan.
8
SPEAKER_01
No, I don t know what to do.
8
SPEAKER_01
Your branding s a little, were you asking a branding question?
8
SPEAKER_03
Well, no, I guess it s a jog and then I m not sprinting, but I m running at a pace, like I m not just, I got running.
8
SPEAKER_01
How about this, you re not gonna like this.
8
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
8
SPEAKER_01
I don t think there s any science to what I m about to say, but I think anything over an eight minute mile is a jog, and anything sub seven s a run.
8
SPEAKER_03
Sub seven or sub eight?
8
SPEAKER_01
I know, that s weird.
8
SPEAKER_01
Let s do seven and a half minutes.
8
SPEAKER_03
No, I think eight or under is a run.
8
SPEAKER_01
Okay, I think if you re running a couple miles, most people that are runners, I remember when I offended Malcolm Gladwell and I said he jogged.
8
SPEAKER_03
Well, that s what I m doing now.
8
SPEAKER_01
He is a runner.
8
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, he is.
8
SPEAKER_01
He runs six minute miles for five, six miles.
8
SPEAKER_01
I don t know, I feel like that s a run, and then jog is like elevated heart rate, pushing yourself.
8
SPEAKER_01
Okay, whatever.
8
SPEAKER_03
I run two laps, and then I walk briskly one, and the one that I walk is long, like it s a two block.
8
SPEAKER_03
and has an uphill.
8
SPEAKER_03
So it s a whole thing I have going, okay?
8
SPEAKER_03
I m back on it and I m normally doing it around six-ish, between like six and seven.
8
SPEAKER_03
This whole thing takes about an hour.
8
SPEAKER_01
First of all, God bless you.
8
SPEAKER_01
That s a hard time to motivate to work.
8
SPEAKER_01
The evening, you gotta bang that out in the morning.
8
SPEAKER_03
No, I m tired in the morning.
8
SPEAKER_03
Are you tired in the morning?
8
SPEAKER_00
Extremely tired in the morning.
8
SPEAKER_03
Aaron s the ultimate yes-ander.
8
SPEAKER_03
Your friends are tired in the morning.
8
SPEAKER_00
I don t do anything till the afternoon.
8
SPEAKER_01
Aaron had no improv training, but he is the king of yes-and.
8
SPEAKER_01
Are you tired in the morning?
8
SPEAKER_01
Absolutely.
8
SPEAKER_03
No, I can tell he is.
8
SPEAKER_03
That s another type you re attracted to.
8
SPEAKER_03
And okay, so I m out at that time.
8
SPEAKER_03
There s a group of people, this is like eight or nine people, all with at least a dog.
8
SPEAKER_03
They re standing at the corner of Commonwealth and Avocado.
8
SPEAKER_03
They re standing
8
SPEAKER_03
in my path and they re standing in the sidewalk.
8
SPEAKER_03
Some of them are on the this like grassy part but they re taking up this whole sidewalk and they see me and some
9
SPEAKER_02
sometimes they ll move their foot, but they are not making space.
9
SPEAKER_02
And it s so many people and it slows me down and messes me up.
9
SPEAKER_02
And it like, I never get this angry, but it feels unjust.
9
SPEAKER_02
It feels entitled.
9
SPEAKER_02
We just had a narcissist person on.
9
SPEAKER_02
It s so narcissistic.
9
SPEAKER_02
And I don t really know what to do about it because there s so many of them.
9
SPEAKER_02
I do feel kind of,
9
SPEAKER_01
Outnumbered?
9
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, like I feel shy to call it out.
9
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
9
SPEAKER_02
But it s so rude.
9
SPEAKER_02
Like it is crazy.
9
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
9
SPEAKER_02
It s outrageous, like they see me.
9
SPEAKER_01
Now I have to admit something.
9
SPEAKER_01
I m a little ahead of the curve on this dilemma because you guys had a girls  dinner last night.
9
SPEAKER_01
Yes, yes.
9
SPEAKER_01
So anytime Kristen comes home from these girls  dinners.
9
SPEAKER_01
Oh, she repeats the dinner.
9
SPEAKER_01
I say, what s everyone up to?
9
SPEAKER_01
And she goes, oh, Erica s got this great idea for a new business.
9
SPEAKER_01
Amy said Ryan s doing this and I hear from everyone and she said, and Monica s having a hard time with these people watching.
9
SPEAKER_01
Well, she runs, so I kind of already, I m abreast of this situation.
9
SPEAKER_02
Oh, okay.
9
SPEAKER_02
How did you feel when I was telling it?
9
SPEAKER_02
Like, how do I act?
9
SPEAKER_01
Just now?
9
SPEAKER_01
Do I act like I hadn t heard it?
9
SPEAKER_01
Surprised.
9
SPEAKER_01
Well, by the way, this is actually an old, this is a reoccurring dilemma in your life, because years ago when you were doing this, you would sometimes sound off and hear about people s dogs.
9
SPEAKER_01
They wouldn t pull them out of the way or they d be taken, yeah.
9
SPEAKER_01
So you had a previous grievance.
9
SPEAKER_02
There s a lot of bad etiquette with the sidewalks.
9
SPEAKER_01
Sidewalk etiquette.
9
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
9
SPEAKER_01
So, and this is gonna be probably two down the middle for you, but first of all, yes, they re rude.
9
SPEAKER_01
They should move out of the way.
9
SPEAKER_01
They should not even, they should party in the grass or in a driveway.
9
SPEAKER_02
Exactly.
9
SPEAKER_01
They should still be social.
9
SPEAKER_01
I think that s great that they re gathering.
9
SPEAKER_01
I m happy for them.
9
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, that s obviously not the problem.
9
SPEAKER_01
No, I know.
9
SPEAKER_01
Don t defend them.
9
SPEAKER_01
First of all, I m on your side because what they re doing is rude and they shouldn t do that.
9
SPEAKER_01
So you re right.
9
SPEAKER_01
Secondly,
9
SPEAKER_01
there are two variables in this equation.
9
SPEAKER_01
There s you, and then there s this group of eight people.
9
SPEAKER_01
And so I think you should change your route.
9
SPEAKER_01
I think you should just do another route because you are destined to just get frustrated over and over and over again, and you re never gonna be able to get them to move.
9
SPEAKER_01
And so why put yourself through the inevitable frustration?
9
SPEAKER_01
Maybe just run a different block.
9
SPEAKER_01
There s so many blocks to choose from.
9
SPEAKER_02
They all are really different.
9
SPEAKER_01
They are all, the participants?
9
SPEAKER_01
The blocks.
9
SPEAKER_01
Oh, the blocks are so different.
9
SPEAKER_02
Yes, so after like the, on my third time of this or fourth, whatever, it was like my last lap, I did think, I was like, I can t run by them again.
9
SPEAKER_02
So I then ran the whole two block instead.
9
SPEAKER_02
So I didn t have to cross over them again.
9
SPEAKER_02
And it sucked.
9
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, so again, I want to reiterate, you are in the right, but I have to recite the serenity prayer, which is God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
9
SPEAKER_01
So I would argue this is a situation that you re powerless over, that you can t change, so your best course of action is acceptance, which is this blows, I probably can t change it.
9
SPEAKER_02
But why can t I?
9
SPEAKER_00
I keep thinking this is what I would do.
9
SPEAKER_00
I don t think you ll do it, but you may.
9
SPEAKER_00
Maybe if they make a small can, air horn can.
9
SPEAKER_00
They do, they make those.
9
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, but as you re coming up, just go.
9
SPEAKER_01
Right, so that is a way to handle it.
9
SPEAKER_01
And then if you want to be the person blowing a foghorn, like people go like, have you seen that crazy bitch that runs around Los Feliz?
9
SPEAKER_01
She s got a foghorn.
9
SPEAKER_02
Actually, I don t give a fuck if they think I m crazy.
9
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
9
SPEAKER_01
Then this, you should do this then.
9
SPEAKER_02
But I don t wanna carry that.
9
SPEAKER_00
No, I know, that s why I said if they make a real small one.
9
SPEAKER_02
Oh, right.
9
SPEAKER_01
Like a Lady Remington version.
9
SPEAKER_02
I can like hold in my little lemon.
9
SPEAKER_00
Just like a bike one.
9
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, like a key chain one.
9
SPEAKER_00
Like mace.
9
SPEAKER_02
And like one of them said, excuse us, didn t move.
9
SPEAKER_00
But didn t move, yeah.
9
SPEAKER_02
Like it s active, it s actively.
9
SPEAKER_01
Well, I can imagine what, I m so scared
9
SPEAKER_01
paint a defense for them, but I can imagine they might be being just strictly utilitarian about it where they go, there s eight of us that would have to move versus one of her that would have to move.
9
SPEAKER_01
So it makes more sense that the one person would move than the eight people would move.
9
SPEAKER_02
But it doesn t because it s a sidewalk.
9
SPEAKER_01
Yes, again, you are completely in the right.
9
SPEAKER_02
You don t own.
9
SPEAKER_01
It s for movement, it s not for parking.
9
SPEAKER_02
It s literally for people to walk and move freely and get to where they need to get and not have to run in the street or walk in the street.
9
SPEAKER_01
Alternative strategy you won t take either, but along the lines with what Aaron s saying is I would run right through the middle of them and I would fart as loud as I can.
9
SPEAKER_01
And then I promise you, when I come tomorrow and they see me jotting, they ll be like, oh, fucking, here s that fucking gross guy, you fucking sicko, and they would all move out of the way, because they don t want to get fart particles on them.
9
SPEAKER_00
Maybe fart spray, everything I have above the can.
9
SPEAKER_00
You love your aerosols.
9
SPEAKER_00
Can of hairspray and a lighter 40 in a straw good advice what was the best advice I ve heard out of Better than farting in the middle
9
SPEAKER_02
She said that maybe you could say, hey guys, it s really hard to keep up a run, so if you see me coming through, can you please move?
9
SPEAKER_02
And that is good, but also, I don t really, I m kind of scared to talk.
9
SPEAKER_02
You feel like they don t deserve that.
9
SPEAKER_02
No, I like.
9
SPEAKER_00
When are you doing this?
9
SPEAKER_00
Drive down there before your wag?
9
SPEAKER_01
Hey gang, in about 20 minutes, I m gonna be taking a run.
9
SPEAKER_02
I d have to stop in the middle of the wag, do it, and then, exactly.
9
SPEAKER_02
And it would work.
9
SPEAKER_01
There s no way they re like that big of assholes.
9
SPEAKER_01
They probably would accommodate.
9
SPEAKER_01
But I imagine, I mean my best guess is they re doing what I suggested, which is like eight of us versus one of you.
9
SPEAKER_01
Just move so eight of us don t have to be inconvenienced.
9
SPEAKER_02
That s really dumb and annoying.
9
SPEAKER_00
Do you run so fast that if you were running in place while you re talking to them it s too much?
9
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I definitely, that s a big slowdown.
9
SPEAKER_02
It s already a slowdown even when I m like, excuse me, excuse me.
9
SPEAKER_01
So you really are booking.
9
SPEAKER_01
You might be doing seven and a half miles.
9
SPEAKER_01
I m running fast for the run.
9
SPEAKER_01
I think you are in a wan.
9
SPEAKER_01
A rocky.
9
SPEAKER_01
You d have to do rock.
9
SPEAKER_01
Rock.
9
SPEAKER_01
But I m gonna stick with long.
9
SPEAKER_01
Well now you re the person in the sidewalk.
9
SPEAKER_02
No, I m not.
9
SPEAKER_02
You re trying to change my thing I invented.
9
SPEAKER_02
You feel entitled to do that.
9
SPEAKER_02
Anywho, yeah, or maybe I should just, when the narcissist episode comes out, I should just blast it as I m running.
9
SPEAKER_01
Jog with a big jam box?
9
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
9
SPEAKER_02
So they hear it loud and clear.
9
SPEAKER_02
It really bothers me because it is hard to get back on this routine and I don t like it and I m doing it and it s good for me and they are making it
9
SPEAKER_01
They re impeding you.
9
SPEAKER_02
Really unpleasant, and it s already unpleasant.
9
SPEAKER_01
Right.
9
SPEAKER_02
It s easy for me to be like, I don t wanna deal with that today, so I m not doing it.
9
SPEAKER_01
Can you harness that ire in the moment to push you harder and faster on your rogue?
9
SPEAKER_02
I can t go harder and faster if they re blocking.
9
SPEAKER_01
No, but I m saying once you get beyond them, you harness that.
9
SPEAKER_02
Well, that is what happens, actually, I think.
9
SPEAKER_01
You run your ass off.
9
SPEAKER_02
I get really mad and I m going fast, but then it s messing up my, it s not good.
9
SPEAKER_01
I bet you re getting gains out of it, though.
9
SPEAKER_02
No, I m not, don t make it bad.
9
SPEAKER_01
Positive.
9
SPEAKER_02
Don t make it bad.
9
SPEAKER_01
Trying to reframe it all.
9
SPEAKER_01
We know reframing s powerful.
9
SPEAKER_02
You would be so pissed.
9
SPEAKER_01
Oh, we know exactly how I would deal with this.
9
SPEAKER_01
I m not claiming any.
9
SPEAKER_01
Would you push them all out of the way?
9
SPEAKER_01
If I locked eyes with someone and they saw I was running towards them on the sidewalk and they chose to just stay planted, I d probably run right into them.
9
SPEAKER_02
I mean, I essentially am.
9
SPEAKER_02
I m just like, still trying to run through.
9
SPEAKER_01
I d say excuse me right before I hit them.
9
SPEAKER_01
But yeah, I think, what do you think you d really do, Aaron?
9
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I think I would probably run into them too.
9
SPEAKER_01
Which is not, that s the very ill-advised approach.
9
SPEAKER_00
It s not good.
9
SPEAKER_00
I m really unimpressed by eight people.
9
SPEAKER_00
They can t get out of your way.
9
SPEAKER_00
Just move.
9
SPEAKER_01
Especially your way.
9
SPEAKER_01
We haven t even thought of this.
9
SPEAKER_01
Try jogging with a picture of baby Monica.
9
SPEAKER_01
And as you re approaching them, show them and go, I m just this little baby.
9
SPEAKER_01
And they would probably jump out of the way and then run behind you to protect you in case anything happens.
9
SPEAKER_02
One of them has a baby.
9
SPEAKER_01
What s the breakdown of the genders of this group?
9
SPEAKER_02
Lots of genders.
9
SPEAKER_01
Are all the dogs small or will they attack you?
9
SPEAKER_02
No, there s big ass dogs.
9
SPEAKER_01
I also feel like Annoyed by their group.
9
SPEAKER_02
I don t know what the what s happening with that group But why isn t one person in the group nice enough to say hey guys, maybe we should not be
10
SPEAKER_03
stand in the sidewalk.
10
SPEAKER_03
All these people suck, like what?
10
SPEAKER_02
You re not gonna like this, but you ll have to agree.
10
SPEAKER_02
You ll have to agree that I m right about this.
10
SPEAKER_02
If this was a movie, the very last scene, the last scene of this movie, you would be with those guys and girls having a blast.
10
SPEAKER_02
You would have joined them.
10
SPEAKER_04
Never.
10
SPEAKER_02
I know, but I m saying that this was a movie.
10
SPEAKER_04
Movies are stupid and they re not based in reality.
10
SPEAKER_02
Some are, some aren t.
10
SPEAKER_02
But don t you think that would be the obvious way to end this movie?
10
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, it d be easy.
10
SPEAKER_04
It d be bad writing.
10
SPEAKER_02
Lazy.
10
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, lazy.
10
SPEAKER_02
Thank you.
10
SPEAKER_02
Lazy writing.
10
SPEAKER_04
Anyway, if anyone listening has ideas, or if anyone listening is in this group, please, please just ask the other members to, like, there s people in walkers and stuff.
10
SPEAKER_02
There s people.
10
SPEAKER_01
Do you think maybe they move for them?
10
SPEAKER_01
I bet they do.
10
SPEAKER_01
Probably.
10
SPEAKER_01
I bet everyone didn t mean to not move for you, but after they didn t move the first time, now they have to hold their ground.
10
SPEAKER_04
Oh fuck, we better double down?
10
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I mean, I hate it for you.
10
SPEAKER_02
What if as you jog by, they lifted their shirts up and they had pistols in their waistband?
10
SPEAKER_02
Oh my God.
10
SPEAKER_02
One time is fine.
10
SPEAKER_02
Like it would be one thing if every now and then they weren t moving, but every time,
10
SPEAKER_04
It just feels so entitled in a way that s absurd.
10
SPEAKER_02
Very triggering.
10
SPEAKER_04
Very.
10
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
10
SPEAKER_02
Do you think there s any merit to what I m saying about one of the two variables has to change?
10
SPEAKER_04
This is the route for my run.
10
SPEAKER_02
Right, so it s not gonna be you.
10
SPEAKER_02
So we gotta get these eight people to change.
10
SPEAKER_04
And you can hardly even run in the grass to get around it because all the dogs.
10
SPEAKER_02
It s a roadblock for you.
10
SPEAKER_04
It s a full roadblock.
10
SPEAKER_02
So what if there were a roadblock?
10
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, that is a situation that s not entitled.
10
SPEAKER_04
Like that is an actual, when you use the AA thing, that s, I can t control that.
10
SPEAKER_02
Right, do you feel like you would be surrendering to them to alter your route?
10
SPEAKER_02
Like they would have won?
10
SPEAKER_04
No, that s actually going to cost me.
10
SPEAKER_04
Like that route, new route, whatever it is, is going to probably be harder.
10
SPEAKER_02
See, my hangup in that situation was I would feel like they won and I hate feeling defeated.
10
SPEAKER_04
That s not it.
10
SPEAKER_04
I just want to, um, I just want to run in the way that I fucking do.
10
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
10
SPEAKER_02
That could be a headline like, um, angry woman mows down eight people.
10
SPEAKER_04
That s how people do get, this is how people get pushed to the edge.
10
SPEAKER_01
Now that s a movie.
10
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, well, it s called Falling Down.
10
SPEAKER_02
You remember that when we were kids?
10
SPEAKER_02
Michael Douglas.
10
SPEAKER_02
He just had enough.
10
SPEAKER_04
I love you guys, but you really weren t helpful at all.
10
SPEAKER_02
No.
10
SPEAKER_02
Well, I don t think a great friend gives the advice they necessarily were wanting to hear.
10
SPEAKER_04
No, Kristen gave me good advice.
10
SPEAKER_02
It s not one that I want to like... Were you annoyed with her at all?
10
SPEAKER_04
No, I wasn t.
10
SPEAKER_04
I was like, that s good advice.
10
SPEAKER_04
I don t want to do it because I m scared.
10
SPEAKER_01
But it s sound.
10
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
10
SPEAKER_01
What was that?
10
SPEAKER_01
Excuse me.
10
SPEAKER_01
It s kinda hard to keep up my pace.
10
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, excuse me.
10
SPEAKER_04
It s hard for me to keep up my run.
10
SPEAKER_04
I understand you guys are all hanging out, but if you see me, can you just make space for me?
10
SPEAKER_02
Here s, I ve printed out eight wallet-sized pictures of me as a baby.
10
SPEAKER_02
These are for you.
10
SPEAKER_02
When you see me, see this little baby coming down the street.
10
SPEAKER_02
Aren t you proud of her?
10
SPEAKER_04
Do you have anything to add?
10
SPEAKER_00
I agree, it sucks.
10
SPEAKER_00
I deal with that with school drop-off, where there s like parents in a group that walk, and then I ve got Vincent with me and they don t move.
10
SPEAKER_04
People are not conscientious.
10
SPEAKER_00
It makes me very mad.
10
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
10
SPEAKER_02
It s an epidemic.
10
SPEAKER_04
It s a... Los Feliz is just a disaster.
10
SPEAKER_02
A very populous city.
10
SPEAKER_02
We live in a very populous city.
10
SPEAKER_04
Anyway.
10
SPEAKER_04
Is it illegal to block a sidewalk for a certain amount of time?
10
SPEAKER_00
What have you called the cops on them?
10
SPEAKER_04
I bet it is illegal.
10
SPEAKER_00
Only if it s for an unlawful purpose.
10
SPEAKER_04
Oh.
10
SPEAKER_04
Well.
10
SPEAKER_02
You think they re conspiring?
10
SPEAKER_02
You just have to prove they re conspiring to commit a crime.
10
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
10
SPEAKER_04
What else could they be doing?
10
SPEAKER_04
Okay, well, that was my beef.
10
SPEAKER_04
Now, this is interesting.
10
SPEAKER_04
So, oh God, I m so outnumbered here, so this is gonna be hard.
10
SPEAKER_02
Is this a boy-girl thing?
10
SPEAKER_04
No, it s a couple singles thing.
10
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
10
SPEAKER_04
At our girls, and none of us said any, we never say anything that s secretive to the group because we re all close-knit group, so who cares?
10
SPEAKER_04
But this is just like a bigger question.
10
SPEAKER_04
Like, should we assume that everyone went home to their partners and replayed all of our interactions?
10
SPEAKER_04
Not in this dinner, in all of our dinners.
10
SPEAKER_04
Is it assumed?
10
SPEAKER_02
Well, I think you re positioning it as, are they gonna tell everything or nothing?
10
SPEAKER_02
And I don t think it s either of those things.
10
SPEAKER_02
Your partner comes home and you go, how was dinner?
10
SPEAKER_02
And they go, good.
10
SPEAKER_02
They can t leave it at that.
10
SPEAKER_02
What happened?
10
SPEAKER_02
Oh, we were laughing about blah, blah, blah, right?
10
SPEAKER_02
Now, are they gonna betray whatever level of secrecy that you all five have?
10
SPEAKER_02
And again,
10
SPEAKER_02
If it s a secret that all five of you are sharing, I don t think it s that deep of a secret because you re already sharing it with five people.
10
SPEAKER_02
But even in that case, I don t think necessarily that Kristen s going to say something that was presumed to be in confidence of that five people.
10
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
10
SPEAKER_04
In general, this is a thing, right?
10
SPEAKER_04
Where because someone s in a couple, if you tell them something in confidence, should there be an assumption that it just goes without saying that the partner will know?
10
SPEAKER_04
What do you think?
10
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I think you should assume they re gonna tell their significant other.
10
SPEAKER_01
That s also... Yeah.
10
SPEAKER_04
I just think it s... This is why it s unfair, I think.
10
SPEAKER_04
Because, yes, that is what single people assume.
10
SPEAKER_04
They assume that if they re telling someone who is in a partnership, goes without saying, unless you say explicitly that their partner is gonna just know.
10
SPEAKER_04
But if I tell a friend, that s a betrayal.
10
SPEAKER_02
I don t know about that.
10
SPEAKER_02
My assumption is you do tell your friends stuff.
10
SPEAKER_02
You tell me stuff.
10
SPEAKER_02
We all tell our friends.
10
SPEAKER_04
No, but again, out of the group, right?
10
SPEAKER_04
Like if you re telling me something and then you hear later that I was talking about it with someone close to me, someone else, you probably wouldn t love it.
10
SPEAKER_04
And yet, if I find out that you told Kristen something, I have to sort of just be like, yeah, I guess that s just like the way it goes.
10
SPEAKER_04
But it s not fair.
10
SPEAKER_02
I don t know if I agree with that though, summation, because I think you do tell your friends stuff I tell you, and you tell me stuff your friends have told you.
10
SPEAKER_02
And I think people tell each other things they ve heard.
10
SPEAKER_02
I don t really think it s unique to couples.
10
SPEAKER_02
Yes, do people tell their spouses stuff?
10
SPEAKER_02
Most certainly.
10
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
10
SPEAKER_02
But I m only, and you don t agree, but I would argue people do that with their best friends as well.
10
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, they do.
10
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
10
SPEAKER_04
But I think the other person feels that they have an entitlement of- Betrayal.
10
SPEAKER_04
Betrayal.
10
SPEAKER_02
I got you.
10
SPEAKER_04
And it s the same thing.
10
SPEAKER_02
Yes, if you re gonna feel betrayed someone told their best friend something you told them, then you should equally feel betrayed that they told their spouse.
10
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
10
SPEAKER_04
I think you re an exception, but I do think a lot of people have this, where they re just like, well, obviously my husband knows, or obviously this person knows.
10
SPEAKER_04
And it s like, well, that s not fair.
10
SPEAKER_02
Well, that gets into a really fun thing.
10
SPEAKER_02
Every time I watch one of these shows, like CIA shows, can you imagine being married to someone that was not allowed to tell you what they did at work all day, every day?
10
SPEAKER_02
Accepting that?
10
SPEAKER_02
That seems crazy to me.
10
SPEAKER_02
My hunch is they do tell their spouses all the secrets of the state.
10
SPEAKER_04
I don t think so.
10
SPEAKER_02
You don t?
10
SPEAKER_04
I really don t.
10
SPEAKER_02
It s probably neither one or the other.
10
SPEAKER_02
It s probably some mix of people that are sharing too much.
10
SPEAKER_04
Often too, I don t know, often I know one example of two people who are in the CIA who are married.
10
SPEAKER_04
So maybe they intermingle a lot.
10
SPEAKER_02
Maybe they both have the right security clearance to tell each other stuff.
10
SPEAKER_04
I don t know if they tell each other stuff, but they re both in the CIA, so they recognize the importance of it.
10
SPEAKER_02
All right, like they might not press each other.
10
SPEAKER_04
Right, exactly.
10
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
10
SPEAKER_02
Interesting.
10
SPEAKER_02
But it would be very weird to be partnered up with somebody that their work life, which is half of their life, is completely unknown to you and never will be known to you.
10
SPEAKER_03
It s kind of cool.
10
SPEAKER_03
You just talk about other stuff.
10
SPEAKER_02
What else is there to talk about?
10
SPEAKER_02
But if I was married to someone in the CIA, I d be like, tell me about your work.
10
SPEAKER_02
It s so exciting.
10
SPEAKER_01
I d actually want to know.
10
SPEAKER_01
I would be like, I m dying to tell someone about my work.
10
SPEAKER_02
I don t think you d really have.
10
SPEAKER_02
They can at least, I think, enact that marriage clause, right?
10
SPEAKER_02
Spousal privilege?
10
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
11
SPEAKER_01
I think there is a little safeguard in that one.
11
SPEAKER_01
That was happening in the Bob Durst documentary.
11
SPEAKER_01
When they were deposing his wife, the lawyer kept stopping the questioner and saying, that s, you know, privileged marriage.
11
SPEAKER_02
Oh, that she doesn t have to say?
11
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, there s a private communication between her and her husband.
11
SPEAKER_02
Okay, but see, this is exactly what I m talking about.
11
SPEAKER_02
So there s spousal privilege, but not best friend privilege.
11
SPEAKER_01
No, not legally.
11
SPEAKER_00
You got a real leg to stand on in that argument.
11
SPEAKER_02
That s not fair.
11
SPEAKER_00
Right.
11
SPEAKER_00
Maybe you can get that privilege legally if you go to the courthouse.
11
SPEAKER_02
I m gonna try.
11
SPEAKER_00
And ask for it.
11
SPEAKER_02
Okay, well, this is for Tiffany Haddish.
11
SPEAKER_01
Oh, what a party.
11
SPEAKER_01
I can t wait for you to hear this one, Erin.
11
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
11
SPEAKER_02
It s a good episode.
11
SPEAKER_02
But okay, also, so yeah, we went to dinner last night at the Chateau Marmont.
11
SPEAKER_01
I was shocked to hear that you guys, so it was for Molly s birthday.
11
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, she had never been.
11
SPEAKER_01
She had never been.
11
SPEAKER_01
But my understanding was you and Kristen are anti-Chateau.
11
SPEAKER_02
I m not anti, she is.
11
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, but didn t you as well, you were telling me it s too, you didn t agree with them not letting people in and stuff.
11
SPEAKER_02
No, I don t like country clubs, and then you were trying to equate that to the Chateau.
11
SPEAKER_02
Right.
11
SPEAKER_02
And I like the Chateau Marmont.
11
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, of course.
11
SPEAKER_01
It s great.
11
SPEAKER_02
I don t think also because she was saying which I understand she was like, it s Exclusionary, but she was also acknowledging that she just thinks she doesn t belong there.
11
SPEAKER_01
Yeah her own insecurity Yes, exactly because what s interesting?
11
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, and this is a cute thing about Kristen is she doesn t necessarily feel cool sometimes like cool is a trigger for her Yeah
11
SPEAKER_01
And that place is like the quintessential cool place in Hollywood.
11
SPEAKER_01
Fucking Belushi died there.
11
SPEAKER_01
I mean, it s the place.
11
SPEAKER_02
Again, it is and it s not.
11
SPEAKER_02
When you go, it s a great vibe.
11
SPEAKER_02
It s very fun Hollywood, but I m not like looking around thinking everyone s cool.
11
SPEAKER_00
How do you get in?
11
SPEAKER_00
Are you able to get in?
11
SPEAKER_00
Reservation.
11
SPEAKER_00
Oh, okay.
11
SPEAKER_02
So that s why I can t hate it that much because it s not that exclusionary.
11
SPEAKER_01
You can make a reservation.
11
SPEAKER_02
I just made a reservation and got in.
11
SPEAKER_01
Where there would be selection is if you rolled in there without a reservation, you would not get a table.
11
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
11
SPEAKER_01
Unless you were a desirable guest for that.
11
SPEAKER_01
Fancy.
11
SPEAKER_02
But exactly.
11
SPEAKER_02
And I made that point.
11
SPEAKER_02
I said, look, I think
11
SPEAKER_02
We think that because there s all this lore about the Chateau and it is this like old Hollywood place.
11
SPEAKER_02
But every single restaurant we go to as a group, it s the same thing.
11
SPEAKER_02
You either have to have a reservation or they wouldn t let us in unless you were fancy.
11
SPEAKER_02
It s all the same.
11
SPEAKER_02
There s just something about that specific place that s triggering.
11
SPEAKER_02
But I love it anyway.
11
SPEAKER_02
But it came up on this episode.
11
SPEAKER_02
So it was a ding ding ding.
11
SPEAKER_01
Oh, yeah.
11
SPEAKER_01
And I would say it is I buy in that place has this magic or you like you feel like, oh, I m in Hollywood, California.
11
SPEAKER_01
Like, yeah, I dig it.
11
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, it s fun.
11
SPEAKER_02
It s a fun place.
11
SPEAKER_02
Oh my God, the cookies were so good.
11
SPEAKER_02
I loved the cookies.
11
SPEAKER_01
You love cookies.
11
SPEAKER_02
Also, and I don t, I shouldn t say this.
11
SPEAKER_02
I shouldn t say it.
11
SPEAKER_02
Am I gonna say it?
11
SPEAKER_01
Say it.
11
SPEAKER_01
You can cut it.
11
SPEAKER_02
They have these candles there that are so good.
11
SPEAKER_02
They smell so good.
11
SPEAKER_02
And they ve been out of stock for what I found out was six years.
11
SPEAKER_01
Oh my, how could that be?
11
SPEAKER_02
And they used to sell them at Claire Vivier also.
11
SPEAKER_02
So sometimes I would, but they were hidden, but it was a hidden secret.
11
SPEAKER_02
So I would get them there.
11
SPEAKER_02
And then whatever, the past couple of years, they ve been out of stock there.
11
SPEAKER_02
And so I went up and I said, you don t have the candles, do you?
11
SPEAKER_02
And she was like, we do have them.
11
SPEAKER_01
No way.
11
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
11
SPEAKER_01
Why did it take them six years to restock?
11
SPEAKER_01
I just don t know.
11
SPEAKER_01
What is the smell?
11
SPEAKER_02
I can t even describe it.
11
SPEAKER_02
No, but so, and she said, she said, I had a wait, you know, I had this crazy wait list and when I was calling people on it, they would be ordering 20.
11
SPEAKER_01
Sure, a scarcity mentality.
11
SPEAKER_02
And I then was like, well, I need, I need four.
11
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
11
SPEAKER_02
For me.
11
SPEAKER_02
And then I thought.
11
SPEAKER_01
They sell candles at Chateaus, what you re saying?
11
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
11
SPEAKER_01
Oh, okay.
11
SPEAKER_02
But I don t know if I want to tell people because like, I don t want them to sell out.
11
SPEAKER_00
I thought you were gonna say you stole one.
11
SPEAKER_00
That s what I thought was coming too.
11
SPEAKER_02
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
11
SPEAKER_02
Sorry.
11
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
11
SPEAKER_02
These are for sale but out of stock for six years So I decided instead to buy enough for the girls and and give everyone one So you got five and kept one for you.
11
SPEAKER_01
I got six and kept two for yourself.
11
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, but one I m gonna give to Kristen She left early.
11
SPEAKER_01
Okay, there s six wasn t there?
11
SPEAKER_01
Oh, there were six of you there.
11
SPEAKER_01
I thought there was five of you there.
11
SPEAKER_01
Oh
11
SPEAKER_02
So I did the right thing.
11
SPEAKER_01
Good job.
11
SPEAKER_01
And I m hoping it- Karmically, there ll probably be an endless supply of candles now.
11
SPEAKER_02
Or karmically, maybe those people will not be on the street anymore.
11
SPEAKER_02
I m hoping that sort of evens out somehow.
11
SPEAKER_01
It s gonna somehow impact that, okay.
11
SPEAKER_02
I could have bought them candles.
11
SPEAKER_02
Oh my God.
11
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
11
SPEAKER_01
You gotta make a day of it.
11
SPEAKER_01
I wonder if you could just offer him cash, no one suggested that.
11
SPEAKER_01
Hey guys, what s it, five bucks a pop, you guys get out of the way when I come?
11
SPEAKER_01
I d take more than five, maybe 20 a piece.
11
20?
11
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, 160 bucks.
11
SPEAKER_01
Get him out of there.
11
SPEAKER_01
Get the fuck out of here, go fuck off.
11
SPEAKER_01
Just spend this 20 somewhere, you rat.
11
SPEAKER_01
More people will come.
11
SPEAKER_02
These are trash people.
11
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, there ll be a hundred people looking to get their hands out.
11
SPEAKER_02
Okay, so you said bunting or blunting.
11
SPEAKER_01
Is the term for when your antidepressant robs you of your highs?
11
SPEAKER_02
Antidepressant blunting.
11
SPEAKER_02
About half of users who take selective serotonin SSRIs report a sense of emotional blunting.
11
SPEAKER_02
a psychic flatness that limits their emotional range, particularly their ability to experience positive feelings like pleasure and joy.
11
SPEAKER_02
So it is blunting.
11
SPEAKER_00
Have you experienced that, Aaron?
11
SPEAKER_00
I don t.
11
SPEAKER_00
Maybe when my cocktail wasn t quite right, I experienced that.
11
SPEAKER_02
Uh-huh.
11
SPEAKER_00
But I don t experience it now.
11
SPEAKER_01
Either do I. Well, what was weird is I did the first time I ever tried it, and then I got off of it, and then I did it again for a period of time, and I didn t experience it the second time.
11
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, you gotta get it right, you gotta get the right thing for you.
11
SPEAKER_01
It was the same dose, weirdly, it was like the same.
11
SPEAKER_01
Of the same medication?
11
SPEAKER_01
Same dose, yeah.
11
SPEAKER_01
Oh, weird.
11
SPEAKER_01
I basically was just like at some point, well it s worth the blunting to be able to sleep leading up for this job.
11
SPEAKER_01
And then I got on it and I was like, oh, that s weird, I don t have it this time.
11
SPEAKER_02
Weird.
11
SPEAKER_01
Maybe the first round was psychosomatic, like I know I m on something, I have reservations about being on it to begin with.
11
SPEAKER_02
Or maybe your body, I mean it takes a minute to adjust to these two Yeah, I think it was more that Okay, you mentioned you met her at a CASA event CASA, if people don t know, is Court Appointed Special Advocates And it promotes court appointed advocates for abused and neglected children, and your mom is a CASA
11
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, she was for years, and they re really awesome, because they just become this, there s so many changing faces when you re in foster, both between who you re staying with, and then you re going to see doctors, and you re getting evaluated, and maybe at school you have things.
11
SPEAKER_01
So this person joins you on all those things, supervised visitation with a parent, then the diagnosis from a doctor, all this stuff.
11
SPEAKER_01
And they re just consistent, and they re with you.
11
SPEAKER_01
And then when it comes time for the court case,
11
SPEAKER_01
For the judge to evaluate whether they should be returned or not to their parents or stay in foster care, the opinion of the CASA is weighed, because they ve gotten to see the whole thing.
11
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
11
SPEAKER_02
It s really cool.
11
SPEAKER_01
How do you become a CASA?
11
SPEAKER_01
That s a great question.
11
SPEAKER_01
I guess you just call and volunteer.
11
SPEAKER_01
I know my mom had to do... I think you do classes and stuff.
11
SPEAKER_01
Well, as a part of, yeah.
11
SPEAKER_01
I mean, I think you just call and volunteer and get going on it.
11
SPEAKER_01
And then, yeah, there are different classes that she would take from time to time and learn about, you know, different developmental stuff that s common with kids that are in foster and...
11
SPEAKER_01
It s very sweet, man.
11
SPEAKER_01
The people that volunteer to do that are so awesome.
11
SPEAKER_02
There s a article that I enjoyed.
11
SPEAKER_02
It s a seven minute read, though, so I m probably not gonna read it.
11
SPEAKER_02
Unless you want me to, unless this is a Taylor Swift situation.
11
SPEAKER_01
Is there two minutes of it you wanna hit us with?
11
SPEAKER_02
It s hard to do that.
11
SPEAKER_02
Okay, what s the article about?
11
SPEAKER_02
It s about meat.
11
SPEAKER_01
Meat?
11
SPEAKER_02
Meat eating.
11
SPEAKER_02
Because you and Tiffany get in a conversation about meat.
11
SPEAKER_01
Oh, about whether, yeah, she said we re not designed to eat meat.
11
SPEAKER_01
Exactly, whether we re designed.
11
SPEAKER_01
That s not true.
11
SPEAKER_02
But there s conflicting information, and this is from Scientific American, so I trust it.
11
SPEAKER_02
I trust it.
11
SPEAKER_02
And it is for 2.4 out of the 2.5 million years we ve been eating animals.
11
SPEAKER_02
So start with that, that s the first sentence, but then there s a lot more to it.
11
SPEAKER_01
Can I add one other thing?
11
SPEAKER_01
You don t ever see a deer eating a dead raccoon carcass.
11
SPEAKER_01
Animals that are herbivores eat plants, period.
11
SPEAKER_01
They can t eat meat.
11
SPEAKER_01
They don t have the right stomach for it.
11
SPEAKER_01
And you don t see a lion or a tiger
11
SPEAKER_01
eating a field of grass when they re hungry.
11
SPEAKER_01
So just the simple fact that if you can observe the animal eating the food, that is proof that that s the food they re supposed to eat.
11
SPEAKER_01
It s very basic.
11
SPEAKER_02
That s the food we were evolved to eat.
11
SPEAKER_01
Yes, if we were herbivores, we couldn t eat meat.
11
SPEAKER_02
But we are omnivores.
11
SPEAKER_01
We are, yeah.
11
SPEAKER_02
So we are able to eat vegetables.
11
SPEAKER_01
Of course.
11
SPEAKER_02
It s not like, yeah.
11
SPEAKER_01
But if we weren t supposed to eat meat, that would make us herbivores and we couldn t eat it.
11
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, exactly.
11
SPEAKER_02
Well, that s clear.
12
SPEAKER_00
Not herbivores, but I mean, there s so much evidence for vegetarianism being so good for us.
12
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
12
SPEAKER_01
I don t have a claim that vegetarianism isn t very healthy.
12
SPEAKER_01
That s not at all.
12
SPEAKER_01
She said we don t have the teeth of an animal that eats meat.
12
SPEAKER_01
That s how it started.
12
SPEAKER_01
And I said, well, that s because we have been cooking the meat for millions of years.
12
SPEAKER_01
And so it allows us to have different teeth.
12
SPEAKER_00
Anywho, it s called, Does Humanity Have to Eat Meat?
12
SPEAKER_01
Have to?
12
SPEAKER_00
Yes, and it s scientific American.
12
SPEAKER_01
We don t have to.
12
SPEAKER_00
Right, okay, yeah.
12
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, we don t have to eat meat.
12
SPEAKER_01
That s not my claim at all.
12
SPEAKER_01
Or even that being vegetarian isn t healthier.
12
SPEAKER_01
I don t think there s a good enough study to say about that.
12
SPEAKER_00
Okay, that s good for us to clarify.
12
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, yeah, I m not saying that at all.
12
SPEAKER_01
There is a group of vegetarians that claim humans aren t supposed to eat meat, and that is just factually incorrect.
12
SPEAKER_01
If I m entitled to say one thing after that stupid degree, it s that.
12
SPEAKER_01
This species is designed to eat plants and animals.
12
SPEAKER_00
Okay, cool.
12
SPEAKER_00
Well, anyway, let s see what else.
12
SPEAKER_00
Sour power strips, she loves them.
12
SPEAKER_00
I looked them up, they look delicious.
12
SPEAKER_01
Enough for you to hit add to cart?
12
SPEAKER_01
No, okay.
12
SPEAKER_00
They re not for me.
12
SPEAKER_02
I like them.
12
SPEAKER_00
You do?
12
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I eat candy like fucking crazy.
12
SPEAKER_00
So you know what I mean?
12
SPEAKER_00
The thick, they re thick?
12
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
12
SPEAKER_00
Oh, you know?
12
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
12
SPEAKER_01
Well, tell Monty about your new treat you brought with you.
12
SPEAKER_02
Oh yeah, I just finished them actually.
12
SPEAKER_02
Sorry.
12
SPEAKER_01
What is it?
12
SPEAKER_02
They re nerd gummies.
12
SPEAKER_02
So do you know what the nerds are?
12
SPEAKER_02
So they re gummies with nerds all over them for the outer shell.
12
SPEAKER_00
Encrusted with nerds.
12
SPEAKER_00
So is it a thick gummy?
12
SPEAKER_00
Like is it a big piece?
12
SPEAKER_02
Pretty small, they re all different sizes, but they re pretty small, like the size of a rock.
12
SPEAKER_02
It looks like a tiny little bird.
12
SPEAKER_00
Oh my God, that sounds nice.
12
SPEAKER_01
Oh, by the way, you saw them and just didn t notice.
12
SPEAKER_02
Oh yeah, I had some on the table when we played spades Saturday.
12
SPEAKER_01
And when I looked over, it looked like a dumb little toy.
12
SPEAKER_01
It looks like kind of something the girls would play with.
12
SPEAKER_00
Maybe, I m sure I thought.
12
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, it was like a bouncy something, overly colorful.
12
SPEAKER_01
And then I saw Erwin slam one in his mouth and I was like, he s eating the girl s toys.
12
SPEAKER_02
Now, Ruthie turned me on to him because she s, yeah, she s really guided me along my candy journey.
12
SPEAKER_02
She loves candy too.
12
SPEAKER_00
Oh, really?
12
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
12
SPEAKER_02
And so I always,
12
SPEAKER_02
If I don t go into her bedside drawer, that s where she stashes her candy.
12
SPEAKER_02
Because you have to hide the candy from the kids, too.
12
SPEAKER_00
Oh, sure.
12
SPEAKER_02
So I like just to see what s doing, you know?
12
SPEAKER_02
Like, what has she got today?
12
SPEAKER_02
Because there s candy from everywhere that gets into the house, like Trader Joe s candy.
12
SPEAKER_02
Random, that fucking sour tape and the... Oh, yeah.
12
SPEAKER_02
I fought it for a long time, but I m there.
12
SPEAKER_02
I just love candy.
12
SPEAKER_02
Never fuckin  ate candy in my life.
12
SPEAKER_02
Wait, really?
12
SPEAKER_02
It s new?
12
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, it s new.
12
SPEAKER_01
Am I right in that it started with these ginger treats?
12
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
12
SPEAKER_01
That was like the gateway candy.
12
SPEAKER_01
Those are healthy.
12
SPEAKER_01
They re almost salty, yeah.
12
SPEAKER_02
It s healthy and I used it to curb my appetite so I would stop eating every five seconds.
12
SPEAKER_02
I would eat those.
12
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
12
SPEAKER_01
cutest routine was like, I noticed it in the dunes.
12
SPEAKER_01
So we go in the dunes and then at night, Aaron and I will get on the couch to watch our movie at night as we always do.
12
SPEAKER_01
And Aaron goes and gets like 12 of his ginger treats.
12
SPEAKER_01
And he ll put them out on the bed.
12
SPEAKER_01
And he s like, oh yeah, these are my ginger treats.
12
SPEAKER_01
So I don t go eat something more.
12
SPEAKER_01
And then I got into those ginger treats a little bit on that trip.
12
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it s fun.
12
SPEAKER_00
Because they re like I think healthy I hate to be terminally unique, but I didn t hate it or love it I didn t burn from them before
12
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, and there s something to do That s what I liked.
12
SPEAKER_01
It s almost like dipping or something.
12
SPEAKER_01
She s like something to satisfy the orals fixation.
12
SPEAKER_02
Yes Definitely.
12
SPEAKER_02
So now the candy though I am
12
SPEAKER_02
Okay, so the nerds came about in these small packages, like a gas station package, you know?
12
SPEAKER_02
And Ruthie said, now, if I got into a package that was open, I would eat the package.
12
SPEAKER_02
And she s like, goddammit, they re like four bucks and you can only get them at a gas station and there s so few in there.
12
SPEAKER_02
And I m like,
12
SPEAKER_02
Well, that s fucked, because now I like these, but I m not going to spend four bucks.
12
SPEAKER_01
Sixteen dollars a night.
12
SPEAKER_02
I want more than a package when I sit down to have some.
12
SPEAKER_01
And also four bucks a night s a pack of cigarettes.
12
SPEAKER_01
Might as well go back to buying fucking camels.
12
SPEAKER_01
I guess I m out of the game for 19 years.
12
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
12
SPEAKER_02
But there s the bag that I brought here.
12
SPEAKER_02
Fucking score on Amazon, of course.
12
SPEAKER_02
A humongous bag for six bucks.
12
SPEAKER_02
That s like has 10 gas station packages.
12
SPEAKER_00
Oh, wow.
12
SPEAKER_01
And yes, I ate that entire package since I ve been here.
12
SPEAKER_01
Economy of scale.
12
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, we love it.
12
SPEAKER_01
Liberal arts education.
12
SPEAKER_00
Is there any candies you eat, Mani?
12
SPEAKER_00
I m not a huge candy gal.
12
SPEAKER_00
I m more of a cookie gal.
12
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
12
SPEAKER_00
Although I like candy, I just don t crave it.
12
SPEAKER_01
I think that it should be cookie boy.
12
SPEAKER_01
I m a girl.
12
SPEAKER_01
I know, but in this rare situation, could you be, I m a cookie boy.
12
SPEAKER_00
No, I can be a cookie monster.
12
SPEAKER_01
Okay, cookie monster.
12
SPEAKER_01
That s a good compromise.
12
SPEAKER_01
Do you eat cookie crumble?
12
SPEAKER_01
Crumble cookies?
12
SPEAKER_01
Do you eat crumbs off the table when other people have cookies?
12
SPEAKER_02
Do you mean Cookie Chris?
12
SPEAKER_02
What do you mean?
12
SPEAKER_02
Do I have that wrong?
12
SPEAKER_02
There s like a fancy cookie place.
12
SPEAKER_00
Oh, C-R-U-M-B-L or something.
12
SPEAKER_00
Crumble, right?
12
SPEAKER_00
I know what you mean.
12
SPEAKER_02
Okay, Crumble Cookies and it comes in a pink box.
12
SPEAKER_02
I ve seen them.
12
SPEAKER_02
They re like gourmet cookies.
12
SPEAKER_02
I saw that in New York.
12
SPEAKER_00
I didn t have it.
12
SPEAKER_02
Okay, well, I m sure they got one around the corner.
12
SPEAKER_02
They re all over Michigan.
12
SPEAKER_01
It s a big cookie powder.
12
SPEAKER_02
It s not powder crumbled cookies.
12
SPEAKER_02
It s Delicious full-size cookie full-size cookies with a hundred different flavors and flavors of the brand fully intact cookie sauce.
12
SPEAKER_02
They re like The downside to that see I like cookies.
12
SPEAKER_02
No, I like everything Everything you re a cookie boy that I am a cookie boy there.
12
SPEAKER_02
I
12
SPEAKER_02
I get on all fours and eat your cookies.
12
SPEAKER_02
There s like cinnamon toast crunch.
12
SPEAKER_00
Oh, wow.
12
SPEAKER_02
And the downside is there are a thousand calories.
12
SPEAKER_00
Oh, because there s so like so much going on.
12
SPEAKER_02
Oh, God.
12
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
12
SPEAKER_02
Oh, yeah.
12
SPEAKER_01
Speaking of calories.
12
SPEAKER_02
Oh, you know what they come they come with a I m really calling Ruthie out on all of our like fucking Bad habits, we ve developed lately.
12
SPEAKER_01
She deserves to bring some home.
12
SPEAKER_01
I mean, yeah, you and I are captain bad habits Yeah, yeah, that s Very true.
12
SPEAKER_02
She does she fucking earns it every day.
12
SPEAKER_02
She doesn t eat them every day, but this is I
12
SPEAKER_02
You can get a cookie cutter, I think that s designed specifically for crumble cookie.
12
SPEAKER_02
So you just.
12
SPEAKER_01
This is like Dungeons and Dragons all of a sudden.
12
SPEAKER_01
I feel like it s veering into nerdiness all of a sudden.
12
SPEAKER_02
I can t believe how much I know about it.
12
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
12
SPEAKER_02
Cookies are in cookie cutters.
12
SPEAKER_02
And it cuts it into four pieces.
12
SPEAKER_02
Now obviously you can do that with a knife.
12
SPEAKER_01
It s not fast enough.
12
SPEAKER_02
It ll take not that long.
12
SPEAKER_02
But I think it s to manage your pigginess, you know?
12
SPEAKER_02
I m a piggy boy.
12
SPEAKER_02
Like maybe a quarter every once in a while.
12
SPEAKER_01
Sure.
12
SPEAKER_01
Maybe it just slows you down a hair.
12
SPEAKER_02
And if you guys want to know anything more about this company, I ll tell you.
12
SPEAKER_01
I feel like you were paid on the side.
12
SPEAKER_01
I know, that s the only reason I came out here.
12
SPEAKER_01
You got to get this on the air.
12
SPEAKER_01
forward slash Aaron for 10% off.
12
SPEAKER_01
I drive out here in a Lamborghini.
12
SPEAKER_01
But man, I m not gonna call out the restaurant because it was so fucking delicious, but my God, we were at a steakhouse, Aaron and Charlie and I, Monday night, and the calories were on the menu, and I ve never seen anything like this.
12
SPEAKER_01
The tomahawk steak was 2,400 calories.
12
SPEAKER_01
The loaded baked potato was 1,500 calories.
12
SPEAKER_01
The wedge salad we got was 800, 860 or so.
12
SPEAKER_01
Just shy of 900.
12
SPEAKER_01
That s the salad.
12
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, we were like, the fries were the lowest caloric.
12
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, the onion rings were better than the salad.
12
SPEAKER_01
The salad, what?
12
SPEAKER_01
Or the baked potato.
12
SPEAKER_01
And then the only other thing was the crab legs were 600 calories, but that wasn t including the butter.
12
SPEAKER_01
We got three bowls of butter.
13
SPEAKER_01
We had to have eaten six, 7,000 calories.
13
SPEAKER_00
My first question, this can t be normal.
13
SPEAKER_00
Like the first thing I saw looking at the menu was the calories.
13
SPEAKER_00
And I m like, no, this fucking makes you wanna not really.
13
SPEAKER_00
I wanna eat everything that we ate when I go to get a steak.
13
SPEAKER_00
And I don t wanna think about it.
13
SPEAKER_00
I know it s gonna be a lot.
13
SPEAKER_00
Exactly.
13
SPEAKER_00
I ll deal with it the next day and eat good.
13
SPEAKER_00
I agree.
13
SPEAKER_02
I don t want to know that.
13
SPEAKER_02
I don t want to see that.
13
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, but that was, it was a lot.
13
SPEAKER_00
We laughed.
13
SPEAKER_02
We re like, there s no way the salad is as much.
13
SPEAKER_02
Oh, is that just because the dressing?
13
SPEAKER_02
It has to be.
13
SPEAKER_02
It s lettuce and bacon, I guess.
13
SPEAKER_01
Crumbled blue cheese.
13
SPEAKER_01
I mean, the bacon was delicious and fresh.
13
SPEAKER_01
It was an outrageous salad, but it was about the same as like a Big Mac value meal.
13
SPEAKER_01
Like it s kind of crazy.
13
SPEAKER_01
Calorie wise?
13
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
13
SPEAKER_02
Wow.
13
SPEAKER_01
Well, you know, the thing is, it s a California law, and it s all about how many locations you have.
13
SPEAKER_01
More than a certain amount.
13
SPEAKER_01
I ll tell you, I did this with CBK.
13
SPEAKER_01
I went to CBK, post, post that law.
13
SPEAKER_01
I was like, fuck this, barbecue chicken sales.
13
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, talk about a salad that s like 4,000 calories.
13
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, and it s not definitely under that, but it is definitely higher than I was expecting.
13
SPEAKER_01
The one that blew my mind at CBK was the hummus with his fucking chickpeas.
13
SPEAKER_01
How are we getting up this high?
13
SPEAKER_01
And I was like, I have not been back.
13
SPEAKER_01
So I guess it s a good law in that way, but I hate it.
13
SPEAKER_01
I m gonna start wearing a blindfold when I go out.
13
SPEAKER_01
Tell the waiter you forgot your glasses.
13
SPEAKER_00
I did not bring the menu, I already know what I want.
13
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I don t like that.
13
SPEAKER_01
It kind of ruins.
13
SPEAKER_02
It ruins the magic of eating out.
13
SPEAKER_00
In this case, it made for a good conversation.
13
SPEAKER_01
It did.
13
SPEAKER_01
Well, mostly it was entertaining, because we learned from our server that there s a certain actor that eats there three nights a week, and he is very skinny, and we re like, what is he ordering?
13
SPEAKER_00
We re like, what is he ordering?
13
SPEAKER_00
The onion rings every day?
13
SPEAKER_01
The locale menu?
13
SPEAKER_02
Well, maybe this person does a lot of running not jogging that will cut it out, but it s um, He s so fun.
13
SPEAKER_02
He s very fit.
13
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
13
SPEAKER_01
Yeah three days a week Dang that fucking menu
13
SPEAKER_02
This is making me starving.
13
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I gotta tell you.
13
SPEAKER_02
I want that so bad.
13
SPEAKER_01
That meal we had Monday night was one of the best meals I ve ever had.
13
SPEAKER_01
It was really good.
13
SPEAKER_02
In your whole life?
13
SPEAKER_01
It was up there.
13
SPEAKER_02
You re so effusive and there s no way.
13
SPEAKER_01
Isn t that great though that I do believe that.
13
SPEAKER_02
I know, I know, it s cute that you actually think it.
13
SPEAKER_01
I do.
13
SPEAKER_02
But there s no way.
13
SPEAKER_01
The steak was so good, and we got lamb, we got a rack of lamb.
13
SPEAKER_01
Dex and I split our lamb.
13
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, we always split.
13
SPEAKER_02
Well, maybe the experience I could see.
13
SPEAKER_02
No, the food.
13
SPEAKER_01
Both, it was the perfect marriage.
13
SPEAKER_00
That s funny, I got the same kind of response from Ruthie.
13
SPEAKER_00
She did.
13
SPEAKER_01
Because you told her it was one of the best meals.
13
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
13
SPEAKER_01
But you know this is the foundation of Aaron and I s friendship, which... You know it was a hurdle for me with you for a while.
13
SPEAKER_01
It s not anymore.
13
SPEAKER_02
I have radical acceptance.
13
SPEAKER_01
Well, and I don t want to be a downer or paint us as victims, but I have thought a lot about this, because you should have seen Aaron and I at the hotel in Orlando.
13
SPEAKER_01
I don t think any two human beings have ever had more fun at Disney World than Aaron and I. And I was like, I was thinking about one of my favorite parts of you, and especially our friendship is like, you and I can get so excited for anything.
13
SPEAKER_01
And again, not to be a bummer and make us victims, but I do think,
13
SPEAKER_01
Like, there are a lot of bad times, so when the good times were good, we were both like, oh, fuck yeah, and let s feel it, and like, it s here, and we re out of that fucking trailer with insanity that s happening there, and now we re in this field, but I just think that by comparison, when the good times happened, I think we really knew how to make the most of them.
13
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, that makes sense.
13
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
13
SPEAKER_01
and that s kind of the foundation of our friendship.
13
SPEAKER_01
We get so pumped for the stupidest shit.
13
SPEAKER_01
Fuck yeah.
13
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, that s a great, I think that s a great way to be.
13
SPEAKER_02
I can t take it seriously anymore, ever, when you say things are the best or the most.
13
SPEAKER_01
I m just, I m racking my brain of when I had a better one-two punch than that ribeye and those lamb.
13
SPEAKER_02
What about Emily Burger?
13
SPEAKER_02
That, for a long time, was your favorite.
13
SPEAKER_02
That s good.
13
SPEAKER_01
It s really good.
13
SPEAKER_01
It s a good meal.
13
SPEAKER_01
No, Emily burgers.
13
SPEAKER_01
It s it s also the best Is it the best taco is it the best burger this is the best steakhouse experience I ve had I think my date with Makani which is also the best
13
SPEAKER_02
Okay, Jess and I have this too because we ve been trying to figure out our top five desserts of all time Over the span of our life and it s hard for me.
13
SPEAKER_02
Like I m really thinking about it I have not committed like I won t commit and you know, we go to three restaurants in three days and he s like
13
SPEAKER_02
These three are on there.
13
SPEAKER_02
And I m like, no, no, no.
13
SPEAKER_00
Look no further.
13
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, exactly.
13
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, all to say I don t trust that.
13
SPEAKER_02
Like, oh yeah, this, this and this that I had last week are in my top five of all time.
13
SPEAKER_02
No, and same for you.
13
SPEAKER_02
I can t trust it.
13
SPEAKER_01
I can t trust you.
13
SPEAKER_01
How about this?
13
SPEAKER_01
Have you been burned?
13
SPEAKER_01
Like if I told you something that was great and then it wasn t, have you had a Maya experience where I sent you to Olga s in Thousand Oaks?
13
SPEAKER_02
No, I liked Olga s.
13
SPEAKER_02
You did take me to Olga s.
13
SPEAKER_01
But you re more white trash like me.
13
SPEAKER_02
I do like a lot of that stuff.
13
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, you like your garbage food.
13
SPEAKER_01
I do.
13
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, we both do.
13
SPEAKER_01
Domino s, we love Domino s.
13
SPEAKER_01
Fuck, what a pie.
13
SPEAKER_01
I love it.
13
SPEAKER_01
What a pie.
13
SPEAKER_02
I do love it.
13
SPEAKER_01
It s a gourmet pie.
13
SPEAKER_02
And a rectangle sandwich from Burger King.
13
SPEAKER_01
Yes, these are tens.
13
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
13
SPEAKER_01
But can you think of a time I was effusive about a place or vouched for a place and you went and you re like, well, that was a fool s errand.
13
SPEAKER_02
No, no, no.
13
SPEAKER_02
I don t think that s happened, but I just think it s like, not everything can be the best.
13
SPEAKER_01
You know what I think it is?
13
SPEAKER_01
It s my issue.
13
SPEAKER_01
You don t feel safe.
13
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I don t.
13
SPEAKER_01
Unless you re the best.
13
SPEAKER_01
I m the best.
13
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, and that s really sad.
13
SPEAKER_01
We talked about you re in a nice baggage, and that s yours, and that s heartbreaking.
13
SPEAKER_02
Of course, of course.
13
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I wanna be the best.
13
SPEAKER_01
Best friend.
13
SPEAKER_02
I wanna be everyone s best.
13
SPEAKER_02
Everyone s number one, I want that.
13
SPEAKER_01
But also- Because then you can t be replaced or excluded.
13
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, of course, yeah.
13
SPEAKER_02
But also, it is a trust thing.
13
SPEAKER_02
How do I know what you re saying to me?
13
SPEAKER_02
Now we re getting deep, and I don t even really mean you, but in general, if everything s the best,
13
SPEAKER_02
and I m also the best, then immediately I m not the best, because it means just everything s the same.
13
SPEAKER_02
And you know what?
13
SPEAKER_02
I don t need to be the best.
13
SPEAKER_02
I do.
13
SPEAKER_01
But also, again, if you step into our mindset, which is, it is the best.
13
SPEAKER_01
No, it s not.
13
SPEAKER_01
It s not.
13
SPEAKER_01
But do you know, like, that s... Hold on.
13
SPEAKER_01
It d be one thing if we were saying you re the best, but we didn t mean it, or we weren t experiencing it.
13
SPEAKER_01
If we had said this restaurant was the best, but we didn t like it, that s scary.
13
SPEAKER_01
But like you hook Aaron and I up to a polygraph and ask us if that was the best steakhouse we ve ever been to, we re passing that test.
13
SPEAKER_02
I know, but that s unsafe to me that you do believe it.
13
SPEAKER_02
And then next week you do believe it.
13
SPEAKER_01
And then that week you do believe it.
13
SPEAKER_01
But the primary thought should just, the most important thing is if we say you re the best, that s true.
13
SPEAKER_01
All that matters is that you re the best.
13
SPEAKER_01
It s true.
13
SPEAKER_02
But inherently, can t you just say you re great?
13
SPEAKER_01
No, because you re the best.
13
SPEAKER_02
God.
13
SPEAKER_02
Like, I loved it, it was great.
13
SPEAKER_02
Oh my gosh, I wanna go back.
13
SPEAKER_02
Like, these are things I can wrap my head around, but it s my, I mean, look, I m not, it is my issues.
13
SPEAKER_02
I m not, it s not your, either of your issues.
13
SPEAKER_01
But I understand, I fully understand what you re saying, but all that matters to me, it s like, if you tell me I m the, let s say this, you say to me, Monica, you re the funniest person I ve ever met.
13
SPEAKER_01
What s important to me is that you really believe that.
13
SPEAKER_01
Now, if you tell Jess he s the funniest person you ever, I don t actually care.
13
SPEAKER_01
As long as you were sincere about when you told it to me, that makes me really happy.
13
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
13
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
13
SPEAKER_02
I just can t, I m just not like, I m not like that.
13
SPEAKER_00
How would that affect you, Sharon?
13
SPEAKER_00
No, I can t.
13
SPEAKER_00
The same.
13
SPEAKER_02
No, with who?
13
SPEAKER_00
Me or him?
13
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
13
SPEAKER_00
The same.
13
SPEAKER_02
Aaron, wouldn t you, if I said you were the funniest person I ve ever met, and then you saw me the next day tell Jess he was the funniest person, wouldn t you be like, oh, hmm?
13
SPEAKER_02
Hmm, hmm.
13
SPEAKER_00
I think I would believe that you thought I was the funniest.
13
SPEAKER_00
Megan just said it to Jess to be nice.
13
SPEAKER_00
Oh, that s great, that s a lot of confidence.
13
SPEAKER_02
Oh, that s interesting.
13
SPEAKER_00
So I think I would believe you.
13
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I just think, if I heard someone- I think Sassy Feld would say you and I are the funniest person she s ever met.
13
SPEAKER_02
She d say people and that s more normal.
13
SPEAKER_02
That s a normal thing people would do.
13
SPEAKER_02
But I m just gonna say here and now if I heard someone say that I d be like you re an unpredictable person and
14
SPEAKER_01
and you re full of shit.
14
SPEAKER_01
Not you, because I haven t heard you say that, but I wouldn t like it.
14
SPEAKER_00
But I do, I catch myself in this all the time, but it s not hypocritical.
14
SPEAKER_00
There are several people I think are the funniest comedians alive.
14
SPEAKER_02
They re in a group of comedians.
14
SPEAKER_00
Because they ve hit a level that s not been surpassed.
14
SPEAKER_00
It s like, yeah, it s like a gold medalist.
14
SPEAKER_00
There s multiple gold medalists.
14
SPEAKER_00
It s like Hussein Bolt one year, and then it was another, and I can say to both of them,
14
SPEAKER_00
You re the fastest person I ve ever met.
14
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, or you re the fastest person.
14
SPEAKER_02
That s not true.
14
SPEAKER_02
One of them is faster than the other.
14
SPEAKER_00
I think there are multiple comedians that I don t think one s better than the other, but I think they re the best there is.
14
SPEAKER_02
But can t it just be like, you re one of the best there is, or you re one of the funniest comedians in the world?
14
SPEAKER_02
There s a way to frame it where all of that is true, but it becomes immediately not true by verbiage alone.
14
SPEAKER_00
I know what you re saying.
14
SPEAKER_00
You know what I mean?
14
SPEAKER_00
Semantically it s incorrect.
14
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I guess I m obsessed with grammar.
14
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, because the spirit s more important to me than the semantics of it.
14
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
14
SPEAKER_00
But for the record, Richard Pryor s the funniest comedian that s ever lived, and actually he is.
14
SPEAKER_00
But also David Letterman is just as funny as him, and is good, and the best comedian to ever live, and Bill Murray.
14
SPEAKER_00
So those three, those three are your favorite comedians of all time.
14
SPEAKER_02
I gotta go.
14
SPEAKER_02
I gotta go.
14
SPEAKER_00
Do you sign off on that list?
14
SPEAKER_00
I like that list.
14
SPEAKER_00
I mean, Richard Pryor is a given.
14
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
14
SPEAKER_01
Do you want to add anyone to the best of all time?
14
SPEAKER_00
Dave Chappelle.
14
SPEAKER_00
No, he would make, I would call him the best comedian.
14
SPEAKER_00
Of all time.
14
SPEAKER_00
Of all time, yeah, for sure.
14
SPEAKER_00
But Richard Pryor, though, is for sure the best of all time.
14
SPEAKER_00
And I think Dave would recognize that as well, that he s the best of all time and that also Richard Pryor s better.
14
SPEAKER_00
I can t.
14
SPEAKER_00
Gallagher?
14
SPEAKER_00
Oh, the Dice Man?
14
SPEAKER_00
Oh, God.
14
SPEAKER_02
Oh!
14
SPEAKER_02
Okay, well, we solved nothing today.
14
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
14
SPEAKER_02
But that s all right.
14
SPEAKER_00
We had fun doing it.
14
SPEAKER_02
We sure did.
14
SPEAKER_02
That s all that matters.
14
SPEAKER_00
I love you.
14
SPEAKER_00
Love you.
14
SPEAKER_00
Love you.