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 This is episode number 1,228 with Marissa Peer.
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Welcome to the School of Greatness.
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My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur.
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And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness.
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Thanks for spending some time with me today.
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Now let the class begin.
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 Welcome back, my friend.
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Today's guest is Marissa Peer, and she is the creator of Rapid Transformational Therapy.
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She's a best-selling author, relational therapist, hypnotherapist, trainer, and motivational speaker.
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She's spent over 30 years working with people including royalty, rock stars, actors, Olympic athletes, CEOs, and many others.
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She's written a new book called Tell Yourself a Better Lie.
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 Use the power of rapid transformational therapy to edit your story and rewrite your life.
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It is a powerful book and I recommend you check it out.
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 Relationship to work how to know if you're with the right partner and so much more This is going to be powerful for so many of you whether you're in a relationship or not I'm telling you you're gonna love this and if you are enjoying it Make sure to share this with someone that you think would love this as well Just copy and paste the link or you can post Lewis house comm slash 1 2 2 8 text some friends post on social media tag me and Marissa while you're listening and let me know what you think about this episode make sure you subscribe to the school of greatness over an Apple podcast or Spotify and
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 as well as leave us a rating and review over on Apple Podcasts to let us know what you thought about this episode.
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Today's Fan of the Week is from Finn, and Finn left a review over on Apple Podcasts, so big shout out to you for being a Fan of the Week.
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And Finn said, The School of Greatness is a podcast that helped me take control of my own life and work towards being the best version of myself that I can be, and everyone needs to listen to this podcast.
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 So, Finn, thank you for leaving that review over on Apple Podcasts.
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Again, make sure you guys leave a review over there, subscribe, and as always, I'm so grateful that you are here.
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Okay, in just a moment, the one and only Marissa Peer.
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 This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy.
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We talk about BetterHelp a lot on this show, and this month we're discussing some of the stigmas around mental health.
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For example, some people think you should wait until things are unbearable to go to therapy, but that isn't true.
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Therapy is a tool to utilize before things get worse.
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 and it can help you avoid those low lows.
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And I'll admit, I used to be embarrassed about going to therapy, but I'm telling you, it is so important.
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Now it is so accessible as well.
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I highly recommend that everyone turn to BetterHelp to get started on their mental health journey.
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They are customized online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist.
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So you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to.
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 It's much more affordable than in-person therapy, and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours.
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Give it a try and see why over two million people have used BetterHelp online therapy.
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This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp, and School of Greatness listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash greatness.
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That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P.com slash greatness.
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 What was the biggest lie you told yourself in relationships until you found a healthy partnership?
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-"I'm not lovable, so I better work for love.
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I better pretend I'm amazing or always be at the gym or look a certain way so I can convince everyone that I'm lovable."
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But in convincing them,
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 It didn't work because I could convince them, but I hadn't convinced myself.
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So I convinced someone else, I'm so great, but I didn't believe it, which made me act out.
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And so that's really the oldest trick in the book, that the lie is, I am not worthy of love.
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One day you'll be disappointed, one day... If I don't always look amazing, or be an amazing mom, or keep an amazing house, if I don't always earn enough money, you might find someone better, you know, the bigger, better deal.
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 And so that first lie, I'm not lovable, causes so many others.
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I've got to work for love.
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I've got to earn, I've got to go through your phone every night to make sure.
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I've got to keep saying, are you sure you love me?
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Prove it.
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I don't think you're going to leave me one day.
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I mean, it's the first thought creates a catastrophic waterfall of other thoughts.
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And it becomes... Yeah.
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Yeah.
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So if I don't think I'm lovable, I'm going to check your phone and go, why are you looking at her?
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 I saw you looking at him, you like them more than me.
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You forgot my birthday, therefore you don't love me.
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I've now got my confirmation bias has gone crazy.
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But it's all come from one thought.
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But that one thought has created a waterfall of so many other thoughts until it becomes out of control.
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And so you've got to peel it back like an onion to the middle thought, I'm not lovable.
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And go, well, who told me that?
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 And let's do that now.
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Who told me I'm not lovable?
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What did they know?
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What were they basing that on?
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Where did that come from?
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It's not even my belief, it's theirs.
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How do I... Is that true?
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Is that really true that you're not lovable?
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How could you possibly... Have you asked every person in the whole world?
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You've asked a few people in your community.
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 And often they believed you were very lovable, they just didn't tell you for all kinds of reasons.
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You know, I remember many, many, many years ago, I dated someone that I really loved and
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 I left him and he was in Washington, I was in LA.
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And I called him and I asked him a question, do you miss me?
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He went, no, no, I don't miss you.
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And I thought, oh, he doesn't love me.
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Much later, he said, I missed you so much, but I couldn't tell you because I was doing my law degree.
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And I thought if you knew, you'd come back and I needed you to stay over there because it was so important to be a lawyer.
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And that whole relationship fell apart because when he said, I don't miss you, I thought he didn't love me.
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And I probably went off and found someone else.
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And he said later, that almost killed me when you did that.
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 But everything, it's like when people, I don't miss you, I don't think about you, I'm fine.
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One of my clients said that he left, his wife left him and he cried every day for six months, just would come in, switch off, like sit on the sofa and cry.
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And after six months, he called her and she said, well, I'm with someone else.
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You never even call me.
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He said, I couldn't call you because I was a mess.
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I just had to get myself together.
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 But it's so weird that we don't tell people the truth, or we say, I don't care.
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You know, that's like, sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
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Words can destroy you and eat you up.
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So the lie is, I'm not lovable.
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 I'm not worthy.
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I don't deserve your love."
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Or here's another one, you'll get disappointed in me.
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If I show you who I really am, you might leave me.
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So now I've got to play this part.
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I've got to earn your love, work for your love.
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What happens when we don't show our 100% authentic selves as someone in the beginning?
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 And we revealed that six, 12 months later.
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What happens?
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Well, they're really shocked.
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It's like, I didn't know you were like that.
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I had no idea because they've fallen in love with a version that you showed them that isn't even you.
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And we forget the truth.
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Vulnerability is the basis of friendships and indeed relationships.
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When you're vulnerable, you know, people love you for you.
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When you're sick, when you have a bad day, they will say, then you know who your friends are.
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 But if you pretend you're okay, I see that a lot with people who run a business, always pretend everything's fine.
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They never tell anyone they're lonely.
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And then we realize, like that great DJ who killed himself.
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Was it Avicii?
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Avicii, yeah.
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Who never told anyone, I'm falling apart here.
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 Was it, not Bon Jovi, who was it?
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Van Halen, Eddie Van Halen.
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There's so many people in the media who think, I've got to pretend I'm great.
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I can't say I'm lonely, I'm sad, I'm lost.
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They often let you know through their songs.
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Look at Prince, I mean.
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 That's so sad that he was so lonely.
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But they feel that if they tell us, we'll see them as weak and needy, when in fact, the basis of friendship is, if you're vulnerable and I am, I like you because you're showing me who you really are.
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And I can love your very soul because I know you.
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But if I'm in love with an illusion, then it can't work because I don't even know who you are.
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Wow.
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How old were you when you started to realize that, that you were lovable?
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 I think in my 20s, a long time, maybe, I remember when I was 18, I had this really lovely boyfriend.
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He'd always say, you know what, I love the way you look.
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And I would say to my mom, I haven't got a personality.
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I really believed I had no personality.
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He'd say, I love your hair, I love your body.
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But I heard that he, I didn't have any character whatsoever, and that really bothered me.
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So I think,
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 You know, it's so weird because when you change so much, you can hardly recognize the person.
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Looking back, I'd say, really, my 20s, maybe even later than my mid-20s.
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It was only working with my clients over and over again and seeing what was wrong with them that I began to realize, oh, that's what's wrong with everyone.
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Yeah.
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And I began to see all of my clients, they could only ever have one of three things wrong with them.
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 What's that?
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Well, the first one was, I'm not enough.
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That was the biggie.
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Every client I saw, whether they were a nursery school teacher, or they worked in a store, or they were a billionaire, a CEO, or a movie star, they all had the same thing, I'm not enough.
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And so I've got to earn love, or buy love,
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 keep being a bigger, better deal to get love.
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And that's so easy to fix.
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You just go, you just take the knot out.
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I am enough.
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I always have been, I always will be, and you have to... You see, the lie is, every day you tell yourself, I'm not enough.
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You don't know you're doing it.
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You get up and go, look at me.
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I don't look right.
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I messed that up.
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I didn't leave enough time to get here.
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 my kids aren't perfect, my client is annoyed.
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So every day, over and over again, you're telling yourself you're not enough.
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And you just have to take out the knot and go, I am enough.
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If I'm prepared to lie to myself every single day, over and over again, why not have a better lie?
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I'm enough.
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It doesn't have to be true.
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People say, you know, my legs are the size of tree trunks.
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Well, clearly that can't be true.
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This is killing me.
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This is making me cry.
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 This is driving me insane.
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None of these things are true, but if you're prepared to lie, at least have a better lie.
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I have great coping skills.
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This is a challenge, but I've got it.
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I can rest at the weekend.
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I've got this.
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I've got great... I have great coping skills is a great lie.
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Because if you say it enough, it actually becomes true really fast.
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Something I say a lot, you're never given anything that you can't cope with.
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 If I got a lot on, well, I'll rest at the weekend.
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I can deal with this.
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I've got this, this is fine, this is okay.
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So the first thing wrong with people is always, I'm not enough.
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And if you feel like that, remember, you weren't born with it, you're in great company.
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 and just let it go because it's not true.
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The second thing wrong is this belief that, I'm different, so I can't connect.
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And that's kind of a modern-day illness.
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You know, if you're in a tribe, you would connect because you'd know that you're all interrelated, you look the same.
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But this belief, I'm different, so I can't connect, is... Is it I can't connect or people don't understand me?
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 No, you connect by being the same.
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You know, we're primitive people, we connect by being the same.
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So if you're different, it's very hard to connect because you feel different.
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And when you feel different, you can't connect, but then you have to remember the truth of that's your greatest fear.
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It's most people's greatest fear.
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So if you look at ET,
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 He connected to Elliot, but he couldn't connect when he had to go home because he had to be with his people.
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So... Why is that such a big fear for people?
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Of connecting?
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Yeah, I'm different, so I can't connect.
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Isn't different good in a lot of ways?
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Like being unique and being different?
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Well, the answer is yes and no.
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When you're a little kid, you go, you go,
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 SpongeBob SquarePants, I like Green Pasta, I like Dr. Seuss, and we connect by being, I've got a friend, and they like what I like.
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So when we're little, we connect by being the same.
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And our DNA understands that we are hardwired to find connection and avoid rejection, because that's how you make it as a child.
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You find connection, whether it's your little kitten clinging onto your leg, your dog wanting you not to leave the house,
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 a baby holding on so tightly to mom, you understand the truth.
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If I'm connected, I will survive.
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And if I'm disconnected, I will die.
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Because, you know, imagine 100 years ago, you couldn't produce milk for your baby.
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Or 500 years ago, we understood that connection is what made us live.
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 And disconnection killed us.
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Why?
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Every culture would practice banishment or isolation or marooning or casting out.
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So connection makes us survive.
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Especially as adults?
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Yeah.
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Okay.
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So we need to feel connected.
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Yeah.
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And if you listen to all those songs, I'll die if you leave me.
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My world is empty without you.
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I can't live without... I can't breathe without you.
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Okay.
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And to this day, you know, schools understand that.
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Someone trolls you.
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Someone ostracizes you.
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 kids cut you out of the group, they don't speak to you.
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 Our greatest fear is, if I'm different, I can't connect.
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But if you go back to that, everyone's fear is being different.
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So if you have that fear, it actually means you're the same.
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And connection is a choice.
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You can connect to anyone all over the world, whatever their race, religion, creed is.
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The problem is that we don't see that.
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We still disconnect people.
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You know, we saw that a lot with the Boston Bombers.
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They were so disconnected from society that that turned into hatred.
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 And it's really important at schools to look at these disconnected kids and to bring them back.
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You know, if you look at the whole jail system in Finland, it's all about reconnect.
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We don't put people in isolation and then send them back out into the world crazy and full of anger.
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We reconnect.
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 And so our greatest fear as humans is to be disconnected.
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So how do we reconnect if we feel like our friend group has pushed us away, our family has sent us away?
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How do we feel connected if we are?
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Well, sometimes you've got to find a new group.
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I mean, you know, your family are just what I call your original family.
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You can have, you know, first of all, you have your nuclear family, mom, dad, brother, sister, auntie, uncle, grandma, but then,
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 When you get married, they become your extended family.
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And so you can always create a family.
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So don't go back to the old tribe that hurt you and expect them to get better.
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I think a lot of our problems is, I expect my mom suddenly to become wonderful.
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She was always mean and hostile, but I expect her to be kind and lovely.
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She's got old now.
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 Aren't old ladies sweet?
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No.
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Sometimes they're still cranky.
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A bitter, cranky person doesn't become sweet when they're 80.
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And often the believer's like, I've got to go back to my family and make them love me, when there's a whole world out there to love you.
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And if people hurt you, not always intending to, and you keep going back to them, but they can't always make it better.
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It's like, you know,
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 If your family had that capacity to love you, a cup, but my capacity is an Olympic swimming pool, I can't expect that to fill me up.
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I can fill them up, they can't fill up me.
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If my parents have a shot glass capacity to give me love, and I've got the ocean capacity, how can a shot glass fill up the ocean?
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Stop going back to people that hurt you and find... There are people all over the world that will love you and fill you up.
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 We keep going back to the hurters, expecting them to make it better.
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They're often so hurt, they can't.
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And they often do things like, well, you know, people like us, we don't have that.
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And look at those people, we're not like that.
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So it's, I feel different.
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You know, if your dad was the town drunk,
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 If you didn't have a dad and everyone else did, if you had money and everyone else didn't, or vice versa, we buy in very early to this, I'm different, I'm different.
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And you're not different, you're the same.
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So you have to stop looking for what makes you different because that's the confirmation bias.
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Whatever you look for, you're going to find it.
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I mean, I was a principal's daughter.
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 I felt different the day I went to school and my whole childhood, because my dad was the headmaster.
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And that was actually horrible.
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I realize now that was not a good thing.
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But I was always looking for what made me different.
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And then it became a self-fulfilling prophecy.
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I kept looking for it.
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Plus, you know, I could hypnotize people and that made me feel even more different.
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And I had this kind of ability to work out what was wrong with someone really quickly.
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 And that's both good and bad, it's actually good.
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But whatever you look for, you will find, whatever you are moving towards, you'll get more of.
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If you look for why your head is killing you, or say, I'm a bit dehydrated, I'm going to drink some water.
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 rub some lavender on my head, I'll be fine in 20 minutes."
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You got to decide where you're going.
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And if you look for what makes you different, you will find it over and over again.
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But if you say, well, why don't I look for what makes me the same?
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We're all the same somewhere.
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Then you'll find that too.
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And it can be very hard if you're dealing with someone who's violent or aggressive or acting out.
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But if you can look for what makes you the same and not different,
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 it really changes your life.
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Because then you can't be disconnected.
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And you can go all over the world.
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You can hang out with tribes.
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You know, my friend was in Rwanda with the gorillas.
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And actually, if you...
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 think you're like them.
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I did this thing of walking with wolves.
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And the first thing you must do is you have to crouch down.
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You mustn't bare your teeth.
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You can't wear wool.
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And the wolf comes up and decides that you're a wolf.
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And then you go for a walk and it keeps rounding you back up.
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If you walk away, it takes you back into the wolf pack because it thinks you're one of them.
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And if you can make a wolf think you're one of them or a gorilla, then of course you can do it with people.
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But you have to start from, I'm like you, you're like me,
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 I'm the same as you and I can connect with you somewhere, somehow."
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Stop looking for what makes you different and look for what makes you the same, because it really is life-changing.
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The third thing that's wrong is such a sad belief.
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It's, what I want isn't available.
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I want love.
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 I was abandoned when I was a baby.
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I want wealth, but I come from a family that never had wealth, so I can't have that.
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I want health.
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My whole family are overweight, diabetic, so that's not going to happen.
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And if you want it while believing it's not available, that will block you.
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 And so you have to decide it is available, it's available with bells on, whatever you want is available.
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But we have blocking thoughts and limiting beliefs that really get in the way.
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And you have to go back again to the thought and change it.
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 I love that.
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So when we realize these three problems that we all have, or ask ourselves, do I believe I'm not enough?
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Do I believe I'm different and I'm not the same?
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You know, I have similarities as others.
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And do I believe what I want isn't available?
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If we can flip that and make them all positive, I am enough.
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I have a lot of similarities as other people.
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I'm connected.
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 and I believe what I want is available, then we can start taking different actions.
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Yeah, especially with love.
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The first thing is to go, you know, I'm enough.
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There's someone somewhere that will benefit from being in love with me, and I'll benefit from being in love with them.
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So look at what you've got to give.
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It's that kindness, the warmth, because all people want is someone
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 to get up with, go home to, that's warm and kind.
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So if you want love, you have to believe you're worthy of it, you're enough.
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Then you have to believe that you can connect with anyone because love isn't about, you know, often the people we fall in love with are nothing like us.
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I'm tidy, my husband's messy.
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You might say, I'm logical, my husband's emotional, I'm calm.
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They're like a Porsche, they go from nought to fifth gear in a nanosecond.
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 You have to look for, also keep looking back to what have you got in common?
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Do you dream the same dream?
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Do you like the same things?
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I'm the same, so I can connect and love is available to me.
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Love is available to everybody.
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We find love in the strangest places, but we look for it in the strangest places too, but love's available to everybody.
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What do you think keeps us from finding and creating lasting love then?
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 The greatest problem in finding and creating lasting love is the obvious one, I'm not worth it.
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And the biggest problem is people stay with the wrong person because they fear they won't ever get any better.
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Well, it's not really working.
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I invested 10 years, might as well invest another 10.
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It's having such low expectations that will settle for anyone.
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And the fear of being alone.
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 makes us hook up with the wrong person.
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But being alone, it's better to say, you know, I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with the wrong person.
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If I decide, and I did that, I was in Africa, I was in Zimbabwe, and I was staying in this honeymoon suite, I was going, oh, that's so sad.
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I said, oh, I'm having a great time, I love it in here.
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I've got a bath, a shower, it's so romantic.
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 And I remember thinking, you know, if this is as good as it gets, it's okay.
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When I decided if I'm alone for the rest of my life, it's okay.
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I've got people I love, and I had a lot of love.
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And then the minute I made that decision, I was married 10 months later, I hadn't even met my husband then.
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 Is that like an internal switch where you're just like, I'm lovable no matter what, I'm not going to settle?
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No, I'm not going to settle and I'm very happy.
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And last year when I was in lockdown, someone brought these seven feral cats that lived in my garage.
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And I got so much love from those cats.
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I was thinking, wow, when I'm 95, it's okay.
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I'm going to have loads and loads of little wild cats and convert them.
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And that's the same thing with the cats.
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I would pick them up and go, I'm going to make this familiar.
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Every day I'd hold them for a minute and then two and then three.
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 And I put their cat food in my hand, and I was thinking, you know, we're making being touched familiar.
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And after a while, they just got so used to it, because you have to make what's unfamiliar being held familiar.
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And I think it's always good to say, you know, there's all kinds of love.
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I can have love of animals, people, maybe my church, friends.
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There's always someone you can connect to, but you've got to look for connection, not disconnection.
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When you get to that level of,
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 Wow, there's a lot of love in the world.
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Of course you can find love and keep it forever, but you have to believe you're worth it, and you have to believe it's available, because love is everywhere.
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It's all around you.
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 But you've decided it's not for you.
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Nature's not going to let you have it.
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And there's never one person.
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I don't like that expression, twin flame or trauma bonding, because I think it sends you in the wrong direction.
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There's only one person.
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And trauma doesn't bond.
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Many people say, you know, we lost our child.
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It was so traumatic, we broke up.
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Or our kid was sick and we broke up.
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 you know, I got attacked or the house got burgled and the trauma ended the relationship.
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So the belief that trauma bonds you together forever, I'm not sure that's a good idea.
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I think it might work for some people.
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But you just have to think a better belief.
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Just decide, I'm lovable.
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 You know, my gran used to say, every pan has its lid.
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So you're someone's lid and someone is your pan.
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You're someone's fantasy dream come true.
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Someone will find you deeply lovable just the way you are.
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 that you can't make them believe it if you don't believe it.
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You can't make someone believe you're worthy of love if you think, I'm not really worthy of love.
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One day you're going to be disappointed.
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When you know you're worth it, everyone else will know it too.
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So we do the wrong things to get love.
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We try to work on our body, our education, our home.
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We go to the gym, we try to have stuff snipped off or injected in or waxed off.
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We're so busy adding stuff and getting rid of stuff to find love.
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 What should we be doing instead?
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Telling ourselves we're lovable.
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The only thing you ever need to do to find love is only one thing.
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Convince yourself you're worthy of it.
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Because a conviction is a conviction.
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I'm now convinced.
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It's not a fleeting thought.
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 It's an absolute conviction.
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And convictions come over time.
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So tell yourself that I am lovable and I'm worthy of, until it is an unshakable belief.
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What if we're out of integrity with our conviction?
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Like, I'm lovable and I'm worthy of,
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 but we eat poor foods consistently, we're alcoholic, you know, we don't sleep well, we're going on bad dates and letting people abuse us.
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So how much of the actions and being in integrity with our word to ourself is necessary as well?
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So you're starting from, I'm lovable, and I'm going to go on dates and I want this person to say, I'm lovable.
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But if you're eating burgers and fries and staying up all night and turning up with chipped nail varnish
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 dirty hair and a stained T-shirt, you're not really saying, I'm lovable.
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You're not really saying, I'm a catch.
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You know, if some guy turned up with a beer all over his T-shirt and an egg in his beard, you wouldn't think, oh, he's a catch any more than a guy would think you've turned up in dirty old leggings with chipped nail varnish.
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So,
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 Again, that's abusive behavior.
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If you want someone to believe you're lovable, you have to believe you're lovable.
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First you believe it, then you start to act in a way that says, yeah, if I'm lovable, I should take myself to bed now.
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I don't really need to watch any more episodes of Catherine the Great tonight.
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I can do it over the weekend.
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I don't need eight slices of pizza.
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I can have one.
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 So it goes back into the message you're sending out.
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When you know your lover, when you resonate it, you act in a different way.
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A lot of people please you, you help, you're nice.
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 You wouldn't go, well, I'll have what you're having.
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I'll do what you want.
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I don't care.
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I'll go wherever you want to go.
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You have an opinion and you'll say, oh no, that's not my thing.
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I don't really like that.
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And I don't want to do that.
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I'm not going to drive for three hours to see you.
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If you're not prepared to meet me halfway, then it's not a good place to start.
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If I've got to pay the bill all the time, if you never ask me, how is the conversation going back and forth?
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Is someone...
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 listening to you, are they transmitting or receiving?
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Some people just transmit, they go, like a hairdryer, they go, and the whole day is them talking to you, and they never ask you how you are.
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And that's not respectful.
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Respectful is saying, oh, you keep interrupting me, you're not asking me anything about me, I've been on a date, there's only one thing about me, and I realized I don't need to put myself through that.
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And if you have enough respect,