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So they either face each other and do that until one quits, because their eyes are burning or something.
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Or they go like this way and they shoot out for trajectory, like long jump.
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What do you think?
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That s what we start with?
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Okay, we re gonna start now, Dan.
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This is starting, and it s officially Start Ted.
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Have we started?
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Yeah.
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And we re looking at my haircut, and there s a lot of... The phones are lighting up already.
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Like, what is going on?
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Well, in a word, you got heights.
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You got heights.
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You got Conan hair.
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That s a big swoop.
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I think it looks good, though.
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Yeah.
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I think it s...
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A real Coney Island, because look, it s straight up.
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It s like a dog licked my face.
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Right.
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And I was trying to differentiate because they go, you and Dana look the same.
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By the way, you re not supposed to say that to two white guys.
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That s racism.
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It s a little R word.
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It s questionable.
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So basically I have this Coney Island thing, because I got a haircut and I said, you know, I got these wings in the side, which I don t mind, but it looked a little bit like, you know, that little elf that is in those movies, a cartoon elf, which we ll pull later and put up.
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But then I said, well, Dana, we re just two guys that have blonde hair.
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Like, it s okay, everybody.
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And so, but every other comment is like,
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died that you guys know you look.
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I don t care.
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No.
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Get a new comment.
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OK.
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Other than that.
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Well, I guess it s like a sport.
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Like, hey, you want to go look at some online podcasts and see if the hosts look alike?
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Yeah, let s do it.
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And I guess we re number one with a bullet.
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They look a lot alike.
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By the way, there s some other.
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We love our fans.
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Yeah, I like my fans.
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I like my hair.
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And it s really getting some height today.
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I don t think it s the happy elf.
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Heather s trying to show me elves and I m like, no, it s a famous one.
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Someone will send it.
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What kind of products you re using, but we should endorse them.
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Shellac.
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We should get a deal.
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Gorilla glue.
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So let me tell you about my weekend, Dan, just quickly, and then we ll get to that.
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More boring stuff.
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I want to hear it, because usually you have very asymmetrical things happen.
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Things that are a little different.
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Okay, here we go.
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Yeah, so it s a little skewed.
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A little skewed.
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I have a cup of coffee and watch a movie of the week, and you re out in the world getting your ass kicked or whatever.
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Dana s watching a rerun of Macmillan and Wife.
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That s a good one.
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MacMillan and Wife is just enough that you would, for kids out there about references, David s great at them.
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Dennis Miller s the king.
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He d be MacMillan and Wife, you know, throwing a dragnet here and there.
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Jill St.
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John.
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Top it off with.
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Oh, I can t think of it.
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That s why I m not Dennis.
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So I did the road.
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I told you I did Santa Rosa, San Diego and Palm Springs last week.
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And yes, next week is Virginia, Richmond, Charlotte and Tysons.
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So I go to the Santa Rosa was was a blast and it was pouring right now.
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The only highlights are.
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I take some puddle jumper out there, I don t know what it was, but you get off and the person in front of me is holding an umbrella.
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I m like, why would you bring an umbrella on a plane?
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And they re like, good dish, because we get off and we re on the runway.
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So it s one of those where you get off and walk on the runway.
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And they have a canopy for about four feet.
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And then you re just, hey, the fucking airport s that way, guy.
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And I m like walking in the pouring, pissing rain.
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It s really very old school.
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And listen, we have a blessed life, Dana.
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We always have to throw that in.
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But we have to bitch about something.
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Because it was the worst turbulence.
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The pilot said, one of the worst of my career.
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Not me, the pilot.
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Not me.
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And so after the flight, when you re getting off for the bye bye part, you know, the worst he s ever had.
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Some some husband asked the guy, that was pretty bad, honey, goes one of the worst in my career.
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And I was like.
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So obviously, I m H.R.
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tough and stuff didn t bother me.
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And now I m more worried about the rain.
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Cause, and there s a canopy for about four feet and then you re on your own.
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Then it s like, Hey guy, airport s that way.
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I m like, oh, okay.
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I m walking, you know, but tough it out.
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And then.
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Oh, at the show.
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Beautiful theater there.
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You did your special there.
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It s beautiful.
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Uh, squatting monkeys tell no lies available now on, uh, Oh, is that the name of it?
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Yeah.
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After you finish your story, I ll tell you the disaster of that title.
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Okay, good.
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Uh, I just, there s no real story other than it was fun.
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And then right before the show I m signing, you know, they put posters backstage to sign and they go, Hey, we had to let two people go.
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Um, but we re going to give them a refund.
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I go, Oh,
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Why, what happened?
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They re drunk?
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No, they brought their kid.
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And I go, oh, how old do you have to be to be in here?
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And they go, well, it was more of a baby.
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And I m like, a baby?
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And they go, yeah, one week old fucking baby just popped out of the oven.
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A one week old, Dana, what are you doing?
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They re not gonna get the intricacies of my act.
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Do they want me to cut the cord?
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What are we doing?
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I ve had toddlers, you know, I know I ve had kids like, oh, my daughter s 15.
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Do you care?
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Is there any F-bombs?
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I m like, yes.
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But, you know, it s not like dirty, but I m like, I get it.
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I get it.
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But man, that was that s pretty young to be a fan of mine.
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Um, is it, that d be my first thing.
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Um, well, I mean, your demographic is huge.
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It s a very wide, and now we know it goes to one week of, it starts at one week.
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Well, before that, because it s already a fan already getting tickets to a show.
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Yeah.
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Oh my God.
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David Spade s coming.
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I almost missed it, but I was born and now I get to go.
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I don t have to wait for the next year or whatever, but I will go back to that place.
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It was great.
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And so now I want to hear your story about that theater, because it s a great theater.
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Well, first of all, about flying, I give you kudos.
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I ve been on a couple of tough flights with you.
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And yeah, you don t seem to get too rattled.
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You believe in a higher power will protect you.
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You did clutch a little figurine or something and you cried gently.
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But my control issues are so off the charts that if I m flying across country and I ve got a nervous flyer next to me,
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They sometimes have a little map, you see where your plane is.
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Then I get on my iPad and I get air turbulence reports.
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So I m Svengali the entire flight.
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I go, in five minutes, it s going to be kind of choppy for about 10 minutes.
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So the whole flight, I m predicting it.
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And then one time I noticed, I looked at the flight where we were and we were supposed to go from LA to New York.
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And we were circling over Montreal.
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I said, we re way North now.
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And there s a huge storm coming in.
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Okay.
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So I m just coaching her.
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She s in tears with all this turbulence.
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We re going down the Hudson Valley.
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There s a huge black cloud on the right.
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And I said, we re just going to miss it.
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And we swept in.
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So she gave me a hug and said, who are you?
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I said, I said, landing on the Hudson Valley.
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Yeah, I know.
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I found out afterwards, Sully,
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After that, he was so traumatized, he could only fly in planes that land on the water.
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So he only flew amphibious planes after that.
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Oh, really?
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I didn t know that.
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I made that up.
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But my special Squatting Monkeys Tell No Lies was just from a bit that I did about Scientology.
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You know how you come from a planet and your thathoms get in you and stuff like that.
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What religion would blow them away?
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What religion would a Scientologist hear about and go, holy shit, that s whacked.
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So I made up this religion.
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We are the cuckoo and the voodoo.
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And they basically put a harness in a monkey and they put them over a vat of pudding and they lower him down and chant a mantra.
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You know, so it came from that.
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Squatting monkeys tell no lies.
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That s that s their sacred mantra.
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Oh, OK.
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Well, that makes sense.
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What s the name of your last Netflix special?
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Go.
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I was only quizzing.
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No, I got a name for a new one.
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Ready?
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It s called General Soreness, because that s what I feel every day.
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Wow.
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So you re going to punt on Rackham, which would be the Rackham.
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Fuck off.
1
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That was a good one.
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You have it.
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By the way, do you want to talk about Sully?
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I don t bet you didn t know this trivia.
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General.
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So I can know guys in the pilot union.
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He said after that he got a lot of puss and he dropped the Y, which made it.
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I cleaned it up for you.
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Yeah.
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Hmm.
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Because I m so dirty.
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I am dirtier than you, Dana.
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I have to say on this thing, I do say a couple of bombs and stuff.
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Well, I don t, you know, I m not, I, I ll go as blue as possible.
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I mean, nothing shocks, shocks me.
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I m the one who did Kirk Douglas and Burt Lancaster as, as lovers, you know, I mean, right.
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I have a way of being blue.
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Yeah.
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You know, I don t hide it as much.
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I mean, you do so many corporates and we all, I m mostly known for being on TV and when people come see me do standup, they don t really know I started at standup.
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And after the show, they don t really know or believe that I still do stand-up.
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They re like, what was that?
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But I think that when I do- You re an incredible stand-up.
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Yeah, I ll be in Charlotte, I ll be in Richmond.
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So I do it, but I think people know me from just Shoot Me or Rules of Engagement or maybe movies and they go, oh, they re almost always PG-13.
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So when I come out, right.
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It s not Martin Lawrence.
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You know what I mean?
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They re not like, oh, I don t want to shock them.
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They go, I dip into it, but it s a goofy way.
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So who cares?
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You know, that s what it s about.
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Well, I m trying to think what my, if I do a corporate day, where do I stretch it out?
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I don t know.
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I mean, the one joke that I do, it s one of those jokes that gets a laugh that I didn t write.
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I heard a psychologist say it on the radio.
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And I thought, man, that s funny.
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I m just going to slow it down and make a bit out of it.
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So it was the bit was, you know, you always tell your kids to be kind to women, you know, because women, if you really think about women, they like a man who s strong, muscular, big shoulders, but they also want a man who s sensitive and kind and can understand their needs.
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But ladies, you can t have that guy because that guy s got a boyfriend.
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Let s try to have a spontaneous conversation where each one of us has a coma and goes silent every three, four, five seconds.
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I know, here s Dan telling me a joke.
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When he gets a punch on, I m like this.
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Yeah.
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Then he goes, David, and I go, are you done?
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I didn t, you just came back.
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Here s me frozen responding to your best joke.
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Okay.
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Here s me like this frozen.
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SPEAKER_03
That s what they just, that s what you see for five minutes.
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Here s me when you do a joke that sounds like mine.
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Oh, you put me up.
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I go like this.
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Here s me when I freeze right when the wall falls in.
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Here s me when I can t hear you.
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Here s a waiter when he s on a podcast, but he s frozen.
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Here s me when I can t see you.
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Here s the shark when it freezes.
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That s the name of that new haircut.
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SPEAKER_03
Call it the shark.
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The shark, I got a dorsal.
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Yeah, this is a new haircut called the shark.
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It s like the shimmy with dancing.
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Bones are lighting up with this haircut.
1
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Let s get to some headlines, Dan.
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I can t wait to hear what s going on in the world.
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Let s do it and see if the algorithm
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Gets with us on this.
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SPEAKER_01
Yeah, let s get some algo going.
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Let s get some.
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OK, hit us with whatever one.
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We ll just talk about it.
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We haven t seen these.
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Just so you know, we don t know what s going on.
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SPEAKER_01
Oh, OK.
1
SPEAKER_01
This is this is what I read.
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Someone says, I bet we ll have flying cars in the future.
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And then this headline is I spice reportedly in a squirt off with.
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SPEAKER_01
So, you know, do you know what s going on?
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SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I do, but I ve never heard of a squirt off that you do.
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SPEAKER_01
No, squirt off is where it was headed.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, that s just.
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SPEAKER_01
Look, by the way, I didn t tell Heather.
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SPEAKER_01
I saw Ice Spice s goddamn Cheesecake Factory the other night.
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SPEAKER_01
And funny.
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So when he talks about squirting, I talk about my act.
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But I guess these.
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Yes.
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I don t know if this is a review or what, but I m in.
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SPEAKER_01
So.
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How so they either face each other
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and do that until one quits, because their eyes are burning or something.
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SPEAKER_01
Or they go like this way and they shoot out for trajectory, like long jump.
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SPEAKER_01
What do you think?
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SPEAKER_01
That s what we start with.
1
SPEAKER_03
Well, I love that.
1
SPEAKER_03
We re just going to be PG-13.
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SPEAKER_03
Now we re in this.
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SPEAKER_03
Oh my God, why are we starting with squirting?
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SPEAKER_03
I agree.
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SPEAKER_03
Let s start with, I got the memo.
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SPEAKER_03
We re going to start with the squirt chunk and then go to- What is the real story?
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SPEAKER_03
And then we got a necrophiliac story.
1
SPEAKER_03
No, that s right.
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SPEAKER_01
I don t go there.
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SPEAKER_01
I don t know another story.
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SPEAKER_03
I like that one, though.
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Mom loses $800,000 disability case after photos emerge of her winning tree throwing competition.
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So she she filed for disability because she got hurt on the job, got insurance money.
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SPEAKER_01
And then she goes, well, I hope no one s looking.
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SPEAKER_01
I m going to go throw trees.
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SPEAKER_01
Like, don t you know, in movies, they follow you and they don t want to pay you money.
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SPEAKER_03
She s throwing a small redwood tree, 300 yards.
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SPEAKER_04
My back hurts.
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SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
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SPEAKER_01
I ll be really good at this one.
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SPEAKER_01
Full tree throwing gloves, professional tree throwing gloves on.
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SPEAKER_04
my lower lumbar, so sure.
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SPEAKER_04
Could I get a government check every week?
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SPEAKER_04
Thank you.
1
SPEAKER_03
All right.
1
SPEAKER_03
What do you want me to throw?
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SPEAKER_03
You want me to throw a keg over this fucking light pole?
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SPEAKER_01
I ll throw the audience over themselves.
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SPEAKER_01
Dude, I can t even decorate a tree.
1
SPEAKER_01
I get sore.
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SPEAKER_03
Excuse me, I m from the government.
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SPEAKER_03
I just saw you throw a tree.
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SPEAKER_00
Oh, I don t know.
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SPEAKER_00
And my government tree, the money and you saw my lumbar.
1
SPEAKER_00
We re mixing them up.
1
SPEAKER_00
No, there s Woody Allen.
1
SPEAKER_00
The tree, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
I didn t know you were following me, dude.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then the steak.
1
SPEAKER_00
What are you doing?
1
SPEAKER_02
That s Woody Allen.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, sure.
1
SPEAKER_02
No, no, my back, my back.
1
SPEAKER_02
No, you re a wonderful government worker.
1
SPEAKER_02
You just, you know, you missed it by just a little bit.
1
SPEAKER_02
I get, I feel, I direct, I get, get, get.
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SPEAKER_02
I was pulling weeds.
1
SPEAKER_02
I was found I was very good at it.
1
SPEAKER_02
So I don t mean to be didactic or facetious, but it was, you know, it was a flying tree.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s an optical illusion tree that had a helicopter motif on the top of it.
1
SPEAKER_00
I jumped out of my hands and I gave it no push.
1
SPEAKER_03
I used to do a great Woody Allen.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m so rusty.
1
SPEAKER_01
I think Woody is tough when we do it, but he s really fast.
1
SPEAKER_01
He s really out of breath.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s harder.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_01
So there s that one.
1
SPEAKER_03
No, you re wonderful.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_01
That was funny.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh God.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh my God.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_01
This is, I keep getting sent this over the years.
1
SPEAKER_01
This is Austria, Linz to be specific.
1
SPEAKER_01
Linz is a great improv.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_01
And so they have this- Am I supposed to believe this is real and not Photoshopped?
1
SPEAKER_01
No, this is real.
1
SPEAKER_01
This is the funniest part.
1
SPEAKER_01
This is real.
1
SPEAKER_01
This is real.
1
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
1
SPEAKER_01
In Austria.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I kept getting sent this going, what is this?
1
SPEAKER_01
So some artist, it says at the bottom.
1
SPEAKER_01
And so he does a smart thing because he takes an old picture of me.
1
SPEAKER_01
He puts, it s better to burn out than fade away on the side.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then he puts the quote, Kurt Cobain.
1
SPEAKER_01
So everything s wrong.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m not Kurt Cobain with quotes from Neil Young, right?
1
SPEAKER_01
Absolutely.
1
SPEAKER_01
So it just generates a lot of attention because people go, well, that s not, no, that s Spade.
1
SPEAKER_01
No, but that quote isn t.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then it just got a lot, but he painted a whole fricking... And what country is this in?
1
SPEAKER_03
Austria.
1
SPEAKER_03
Where is it?
1
SPEAKER_03
What country?
1
SPEAKER_03
Austria.
1
SPEAKER_03
So that s where these people, everybody talks like Arnold out there.
1
SPEAKER_03
Look, it s a flabby loser, a silly quote by another loser, and the whole thing is a loser fest.
1
SPEAKER_01
This is a sample conversation of someone walking by.
1
SPEAKER_03
You know, they re Austrian.
1
SPEAKER_01
Look at this baby man.
1
SPEAKER_01
Look at the baby man.
1
SPEAKER_01
And he s holding his fingers up like two because I only weigh two pounds.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
And he poops his diaper.
2
SPEAKER_04
twice a day for the two fingers.
2
SPEAKER_04
He s like a little baby girl.
2
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_04
What did you do in your diaper?
2
SPEAKER_04
I would like to tie his pectoral, his flabby pectoral muscles together so he could put them under a tree and then be a loser Christmas.
2
SPEAKER_04
Oh, I want to explain this one.
2
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, go ahead.
2
SPEAKER_04
What is this?
2
SPEAKER_02
This is an ex-cruise ship worker.
2
SPEAKER_02
Here s the reason why we throw free ice cream parties.
2
SPEAKER_02
I thought this was kind of funny because the reason is, if you take a lot of cruises, I don t think you do, but no, an average of six to eight people die on every cruise.
2
SPEAKER_02
And every time they do, they have to throw them in the ice and they have to make room for the body.
2
SPEAKER_02
So they throw a party.
2
SPEAKER_02
So every time someone dies, they throw a party and quietly just freeze it until they land and they can take the body off.
2
SPEAKER_02
Isn t that nuts?
2
SPEAKER_02
Wait, let me get my head around this.
2
SPEAKER_04
Wait, wait, wait, you know what you re saying?
2
SPEAKER_04
No, it s crazy.
2
SPEAKER_04
So six people die per cruise.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, that s the first shocking thing.
2
SPEAKER_04
They throw this free ice cream party.
2
SPEAKER_04
So everyone goes to the ice cream party and then they re moving the cadavers to the dock.
2
SPEAKER_02
No, it s only to make room in ice because they have to throw the body in there.
2
SPEAKER_04
They get ice.
2
SPEAKER_04
Isn t that nuts?
2
SPEAKER_04
Sign me up for a carnival cruise.
2
SPEAKER_04
I m going to actually, just, just hold on a second.
2
SPEAKER_04
Travel agent?
2
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_04
Carnival cruise?
2
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_04
And I want two tickets to the ice cream party at the end.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
If there s another ice cream party, everyone goes, isn t that exciting?
2
SPEAKER_02
They re like, not really.
2
SPEAKER_02
Because you mean someone croaked?
2
SPEAKER_04
You know, right?
2
SPEAKER_04
Because the old timers, the people go on all the cruise ships all the time.
2
SPEAKER_04
They go, Oh, we ve got a lot of croakers this time.
2
SPEAKER_04
Never seen this much ice out here.
2
SPEAKER_02
What if you re just hung over and you wake up next to a Dilly Bar and you re like, Oh, wait, do they think I m dead?
2
SPEAKER_02
Am I in the ice cream thing?
2
SPEAKER_02
By the way, I will tell you, Dana, the side story.
2
SPEAKER_04
My brother is like Dilly Bar.
2
SPEAKER_02
That was a good Dilly Bar is funny.
2
SPEAKER_02
Right from Dairy Queen.
2
SPEAKER_02
Dilly Dilly Bar is funny.
2
SPEAKER_02
My brother.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, here s how he breaks news to me.
2
SPEAKER_02
He goes like this, do you remember, oh, I have to change the name.
2
SPEAKER_02
He goes, do you remember from high school?
2
SPEAKER_02
He goes, hey, remember Jill Harris?
2
SPEAKER_02
I was like, oh yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
He goes, remember her from high school?
2
SPEAKER_02
I go, oh, did you see her?
2
SPEAKER_02
She s got really pale blue eyes.
2
SPEAKER_02
She s super pretty.
2
SPEAKER_02
He goes, yeah, she croaked.
2
SPEAKER_02
I go, what?
2
SPEAKER_02
He goes, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I go, Brian, we don t, that s how you break it to me.
2
SPEAKER_02
She croaked, you mean she passed away?
2
SPEAKER_02
Sad story about someone I ve known for 30, 20 years.
2
SPEAKER_04
He goes- See, from the 1940s?
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, he goes, yeah, this broad croaked.
2
SPEAKER_02
And then he goes, this week, I don t know if the other friend you know is gonna be around, because there s the funeral and all that bullshit.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I go, yeah, the funeral.
2
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_04
Callous much?
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
He s very callous.
2
SPEAKER_02
He s an iron worker.
2
SPEAKER_02
You know, he s funny.
2
SPEAKER_02
You don t even say funeral.
2
SPEAKER_02
He goes, it s going to be a while because they got to do all the bullshit.
2
SPEAKER_02
I go the funeral.
2
SPEAKER_02
He s like, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_04
Well, I like his voice.
2
SPEAKER_04
I like that.
2
SPEAKER_02
He s like Kurt Russell, my brother.
2
SPEAKER_02
He s super tough.
2
SPEAKER_02
He s cool.
2
SPEAKER_02
But he s very like a little rough around the edges.
2
SPEAKER_02
Has anyone seen my Dilly bar?
2
SPEAKER_02
All right, go ahead.
2
SPEAKER_02
You learned something new on that one, Danny.
2
SPEAKER_04
You learned something about- I saw the Poseidon Adventure.
2
SPEAKER_04
I m not going to sign up.
2
SPEAKER_04
10,000 stinky alcoholics on a plane with rogue waves coming.
2
SPEAKER_04
You know, I mean, not my idea of a great time.
2
SPEAKER_04
This is called the Woody episode.
2
SPEAKER_02
You ve never done a cruise ship though, right?
2
SPEAKER_02
No.
2
SPEAKER_02
Because of my friends.
2
SPEAKER_02
A lot of people have.
2
SPEAKER_04
I want to be able to get off.
2
SPEAKER_04
I don t want to be, you know, no, I d be on a little, I d be on our manager, Gervitz s little sailboat in the Caribbean.
2
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_04
You want to come with me?
2
SPEAKER_04
We re going to stop at the Bahamas.
2
SPEAKER_01
I have a boat just like yours, except mine s expensive.
2
SPEAKER_01
We zigzag through the islands.
2
SPEAKER_03
It s really fun.
2
SPEAKER_01
Eddie Vedder might come.
2
SPEAKER_03
He s fully vetered.
2
SPEAKER_01
Have you been vetered?
2
SPEAKER_01
I said that last trip.
2
SPEAKER_03
It s my one joke.
2
SPEAKER_02
All right, what do we got here?
2
SPEAKER_02
This is a story about, I don t know if we can play this, but just the story is this woman is cute, she s on Instagram, and a lot of guys obviously like her, so posts a couple thirst traps.
2
SPEAKER_02
And then what happens was, I don t know if this is good or bad, I m gonna get your opinion,
2
SPEAKER_02
She gets mean comments.
2
SPEAKER_02
Okay, play.
2
SPEAKER_00
I am gonna find your husbands today.
2
SPEAKER_00
Is that nuts?
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I can t see any posts, but you do have your hubby tagged.
2
SPEAKER_00
Many of those men spoke to her in ways their wife probably wouldn t approve of to say the least, and she then shared screenshots of those conversations with the wife who was making the mean comments originally.
2
SPEAKER_01
Ladies, I don t want you...
2
SPEAKER_03
Isn t that Karina?
2
SPEAKER_01
She s a charmer.
2
SPEAKER_04
I mean, she s a charming, um, you know, it s fashion.
2
SPEAKER_04
It s on the husband.
2
SPEAKER_04
It s just the idea that they would collapse in a second because of a 36 D to be, Hey honey, you know, what are you going to do?
2
SPEAKER_03
Bust my balls for what can I do?
2
SPEAKER_03
She came at me at those twins and I like, you know, I m like a little kid.
2
SPEAKER_03
Grab screen!
2
SPEAKER_03
I don t want to, but I gotta!
2
SPEAKER_03
Honey!
2
SPEAKER_03
Honey, look!
2
SPEAKER_03
Even you can t stop!
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, the wife gets in on it.
2
SPEAKER_03
I know I m not even bi, but I gotta get him, too!
2
SPEAKER_03
Is this the girl?
2
SPEAKER_03
No, honey, you fell for it!
2
SPEAKER_02
God, how crazy.
2
SPEAKER_02
She shakes her booty and the guy s like, and then she goes, hey, your husband is into me.
2
SPEAKER_02
After one text, hey, are you married?
2
SPEAKER_02
Not really.
2
SPEAKER_02
Wanna hang out sometime?
2
100%.
2
SPEAKER_04
I would just say, FYI, I don t know.
2
SPEAKER_04
It s a low IQ individual that s attracted to a woman who s that obvious.
2
SPEAKER_04
I don t like it.
2
SPEAKER_04
It s like, you know.
2
SPEAKER_02
I like it a little played down.
2
SPEAKER_04
But if she s listening to this, Godspeed, I wish you all the best.
2
SPEAKER_04
I wish you the best.
2
SPEAKER_04
Kapish, rubber chicken.
2
SPEAKER_04
You know what I mean?
2
SPEAKER_04
Listen to me.
2
SPEAKER_04
You do what you do.
2
SPEAKER_04
I do what I do.
2
SPEAKER_04
Rubber chicken.
2
SPEAKER_04
Kapish.
2
SPEAKER_04
What is rubber chicken?
2
SPEAKER_04
A friend of mine used to say that all the time.
2
SPEAKER_04
His phrase was, you do what you do.
2
SPEAKER_04
I do what I do.
2
SPEAKER_04
Rubber chicken.
2
SPEAKER_04
Kapish.
2
SPEAKER_04
And he would add no when he d eat pasta and he liked it, he would add no at the end.
2
SPEAKER_04
He d be eating the pasta, he d go, this good pasta, no?
2
SPEAKER_04
Oh yeah, I ve heard that.
2
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, this good pasta, no?
2
SPEAKER_04
Okay, this is one we can talk over.
2
SPEAKER_04
I just found it.
2
SPEAKER_04
It s Brad Pitt, Penelope Cruz in a commercial for Chanel, both perfect looking humans.
2
SPEAKER_04
It s really well done, but we can talk over it.
2
SPEAKER_04
There they are.
2
SPEAKER_02
Well lit.
2
SPEAKER_04
I like him.
2
SPEAKER_02
Brad Pitt and Penelope Cruz in We re Beautiful.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_02
Even the waitress is cute.
2
SPEAKER_02
My face is so handsome, birds die.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, even when he squints he s good looking.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_04
Are they at dinner or are they on the beach?
2
SPEAKER_04
Doesn t matter where they are, they re just looking at each other thinking I m better looking than you are.
2
SPEAKER_04
What is the ad for, the waitress?
2
SPEAKER_03
Chanel.
2
SPEAKER_02
The purse?
2
SPEAKER_02
Let s take a gorgeous hike with our gorgeous faces.
2
SPEAKER_02
I like that big collar he has, I don t hate it.
2
SPEAKER_04
No, I love Brad Pitt, man.
2
SPEAKER_04
Excuse me.
2
SPEAKER_04
Yes, ma am.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, it s a punchy ending.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, very sexy.
2
SPEAKER_04
Brad Pitt.
2
SPEAKER_04
Based on a movie.
2
SPEAKER_04
I love that.
2
SPEAKER_04
Oh, it s a very French kind of noir.
2
SPEAKER_04
I mean, Brad Pitt.
2
SPEAKER_04
That s a good plan.
2
SPEAKER_04
Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob.
2
SPEAKER_04
But anyway, with the ad agents, he s like, OK, who are the most best looking faces on planet Earth?
2
SPEAKER_04
OK, the computer, the A.I.
2
SPEAKER_04
said Brad Pitt and Penelope Cruz.
2
SPEAKER_04
We put them in a commercial.
2
SPEAKER_04
We make a black and white.
2
SPEAKER_04
We got that music.
2
SPEAKER_04
And then we count the money when we show more show.
2
SPEAKER_02
So what was it for, the purse that was sitting between them?
2
SPEAKER_04
I think it s Chanel s, this is for Heather to chime in.
2
SPEAKER_02
Or is it a perfume?
2
SPEAKER_04
Is it a perfume, Heather, or is it the purse?
2
SPEAKER_02
Or is it both?
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, the perfume.
2
SPEAKER_04
But shit, these people branch out, you know, they branch out to ancillary markets, rubber chicken, capisce?
2
SPEAKER_04
They might have purses, they might have whatevers.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I m telling you, the Chanel, first of all, everybody in my life is like, I need a Chanel purse.
2
SPEAKER_02
There s a Chanel the size of the Beverly Center they just made.
2
SPEAKER_02
And it s packed to the gills.
2
SPEAKER_02
They start at five grand every person.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s ridiculous.
2
SPEAKER_02
I would get that perfume if they could promise me I would look a little more like Brad Pitt or a little more like Penelope Cruz.
2
SPEAKER_02
I don t care.
2
SPEAKER_04
Would you rather look more like Penelope Cruz or Brad Pitt?
2
SPEAKER_04
You could be a female version of Penelope Cruz.
3
SPEAKER_00
The thing is, is that women, we can ask Heather to chime in, like they don t want a perfect face.
3
SPEAKER_00
They want the face to be a little off, you know, cause there s the right place.
3
SPEAKER_00
So it s a problem for you.
3
SPEAKER_00
Cause you have like a perfect face, but we ll have to ask Heather and, or do you want me to show that thing?
3
SPEAKER_00
I would not say no to perfection.
3
SPEAKER_01
What is that?
3
SPEAKER_01
A tribute to a film?
3
SPEAKER_01
That?
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, a short film, a tribute to the film A Man and a Woman by director Claude Leloch.
3
SPEAKER_00
But OK, but isn t like Harrison Ford, like women love Harrison Ford, but his nose goes a little crooked.
3
SPEAKER_00
There s like these movie star men that have just a little something slightly off.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, they re they all like they can be a little beat up.
3
SPEAKER_01
I think have to be good looking.
3
SPEAKER_01
But in a beat up way, I think is the way to go.
3
SPEAKER_01
Brad s not really beat up looking, but he getting older.
3
SPEAKER_01
He just looks cooler and squintier and.
3
SPEAKER_01
Whatever he s doing, if he s doing anything, I want in.
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t I don t care.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Well, he s still fit.
3
SPEAKER_00
He s got a great head of hair and he was incredible.
3
SPEAKER_00
And once upon a time, once upon a time.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
What d that guy say to you?
3
SPEAKER_00
Says I m a goddamn has been.
3
SPEAKER_00
Don t cry in front of the Mexicans.
3
SPEAKER_01
That s a little scene for you.
3
SPEAKER_01
Love them.
3
SPEAKER_01
Mm-hmm.
3
SPEAKER_01
All right.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, I I was just saw this day.
3
SPEAKER_01
This is dumb You remember this World War two photo you might have or is that day?
3
SPEAKER_01
Jimmy Was it crazy?
3
SPEAKER_00
I ve been around a long time.
3
SPEAKER_00
I ll tell you that much.
3
SPEAKER_00
I remember Nixon Kennedy I remember that campaign do that do the math.
3
SPEAKER_00
All right.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh
3
SPEAKER_00
Here we are, an iconic World War II photo showing a non-consensual kiss was almost banned from display.
3
SPEAKER_00
It didn t last long.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, it didn t get banned.
3
SPEAKER_01
When I read it, it was banned, but now it s not.
3
SPEAKER_01
So they pull up to the kiss.
3
SPEAKER_01
Can we pull it up a little bit?
3
SPEAKER_01
Because this is a famous photo.
3
SPEAKER_01
And the truth is, all these guys got back from the war, and all the women, everyone was drunk, they said, and guys were getting off, and the women were going crazy, and they all kissed each other.
3
SPEAKER_01
They found this couple, because 30 years later, and they wound up getting married.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so, this whole thing is like a little too crazy, like, oh, we don t believe in,
3
SPEAKER_01
You know, nobody wants someone to just go up and kiss people.
3
SPEAKER_00
If you can t find a sexual partner in Times Square when it s V-Day, the end of a five-year horrible war, I mean, people are just hooking up.
3
SPEAKER_00
It was the craziest thing.
3
SPEAKER_00
Actually, 32 million people s birthdays are on V-Day, 1945.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s how many pregnancies happened that night in New York City alone.
3
SPEAKER_00
I made that up, but it sounded good for a while.
3
SPEAKER_01
They almost called it J-Day, Jizz Day.
3
SPEAKER_01
But you know, also Dana, the almost, they didn t call it that.
3
SPEAKER_01
We have a squirting jizz and let s see if we can get a trifecta for a testicle implant.
3
SPEAKER_01
Look at Dana in the background walking on the ice cream cone.
3
SPEAKER_01
He s like five years old.
3
SPEAKER_00
What s going on?
3
SPEAKER_00
Did you?
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I had bangs.
3
SPEAKER_00
I had bangs until I was 60.
3
SPEAKER_01
I was cute for a good run there.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then this happened.
3
SPEAKER_01
Okay, God, I had one more thing to say about this and I can t remember.
3
SPEAKER_01
Okay, we ll keep going.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, the best joke in the world, forgot it.
3
SPEAKER_00
This was a big wedding.
3
SPEAKER_01
I read about this.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_01
I just think it s funny because some super rich guy
3
SPEAKER_01
Ivanka Trump, Indian billionaire.
3
SPEAKER_01
Now, what is the point?
3
SPEAKER_01
They re all rich.
3
SPEAKER_01
You have to get paid.
3
SPEAKER_01
There s no way you re flying to India to go to a wedding of someone you don t know at all.
3
SPEAKER_00
What s going on?
3
SPEAKER_00
But wait a minute, Rihanna is an incredible singer and dancer.
3
SPEAKER_00
I mean, she s a superstar entertainer.
3
SPEAKER_00
I heard she got six or six point three million.
3
SPEAKER_00
So and maybe they paid for the gas on her jet.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_00
But Zuckerberg, what is he going to light up the party?
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I want to meet Mark Zuckerberg.
3
SPEAKER_00
What about Rihanna?
3
SPEAKER_00
She s OK, but Zuckerberg, he s the moon.
3
SPEAKER_00
Hey, Zuck.
3
SPEAKER_00
How much did they pay Zuck?
3
SPEAKER_01
By the way, Zuck was caught on video.
3
SPEAKER_01
Of course, everyone s caught on video all day.
3
SPEAKER_01
Not caught, but he was just talking to the guy.
3
SPEAKER_01
And of course, they have literally nothing to say.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so Zuck goes, hey, that s a sweet watch.
3
SPEAKER_01
And he goes, oh, $1 million.
3
SPEAKER_01
And he goes, ooh, like $1 million is like a drop of one penny to him.
3
SPEAKER_01
But he s like, whoa,
3
SPEAKER_01
And so they start oohing and aahing over this watch.
3
SPEAKER_01
He s like, oh, it s a Pudge.
3
SPEAKER_01
Well, I don t even know.
3
SPEAKER_01
Whatever.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s a it s a it s a it s a Pudge Ringa.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s a Pudge.
3
SPEAKER_01
And they re like, oh, they have to be all interested.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, you re paying us to be here.
3
SPEAKER_01
So we have to be like, oh.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then they said,
3
SPEAKER_01
Afterwards, someone goes, oh, Rihanna didn t give it everything.
3
SPEAKER_01
She was sort of lazily going through her performance.
3
SPEAKER_01
But you know, in her defense, she s lazy.
3
SPEAKER_01
That s her thing.
3
SPEAKER_01
You see her at the Super Bowl?
3
SPEAKER_01
You re not hiring the Rockettes.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know what I mean?
3
SPEAKER_01
She s not like, ay-ya, ha-da-da, hi-ya-ha.
3
SPEAKER_01
She s smoking weed all the time.
3
SPEAKER_01
That s what she is.
3
SPEAKER_01
That s as that s her brand.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it s a corporate date.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s a way to get drunk.
3
SPEAKER_00
But I wonder what the billionaire was smoking.
3
SPEAKER_00
They go, OK, shall she show?
3
SPEAKER_00
What do you want for your birthday party?
3
SPEAKER_00
Who do you want to invite?
3
SPEAKER_00
He s back.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like Rihanna.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Mark Zuckerberg.
3
SPEAKER_00
Why not?
3
SPEAKER_00
And oh, fuck it.
3
SPEAKER_00
Ivanka.
3
SPEAKER_01
Well, maybe the guy from Mad Men.
3
SPEAKER_01
He s just literally like looking through the Daily Mail going, that guy, that guy.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, who turned down the gig?
3
SPEAKER_00
Me.
3
SPEAKER_00
I want Jon Hamm.
3
SPEAKER_01
He s like, you don t even know me.
3
SPEAKER_01
Dress like Don Draper and jump around my party.
3
SPEAKER_01
He s like, okay, pay me.
3
SPEAKER_01
I ll do it.
3
SPEAKER_00
She s six million for her.
3
SPEAKER_00
We would have done it for a million each.
3
SPEAKER_01
I did a party for a rich guy.
3
SPEAKER_01
He goes, I ll fly out.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s for my daughter.
3
SPEAKER_01
And you know, it s literally like, hey, is it okay if she like shoves her ice cream cone in your face?
3
SPEAKER_01
I m like, yeah, put it in the deal.
3
SPEAKER_01
That s fine.
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t care.
3
SPEAKER_00
I did one for a guy whose birthday, he was 98 and his wife was 60.
3
SPEAKER_00
Their house was like a Scarface mansion in Vegas.
3
SPEAKER_00
It had like literally mermaids in the pool and jugglers and a carnival.
3
SPEAKER_00
And he s like this.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then I went in, Whitney Cummings opened for me.
3
SPEAKER_00
It was the toughest environment ever because they d see us on YouTube shooting a special and it was like a...
3
SPEAKER_00
I mean, it was death.
3
SPEAKER_00
It was like, and they re like, they don t understand.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s a pavilion.
3
SPEAKER_00
They can t hear me.
3
SPEAKER_00
They can barely see me.
3
SPEAKER_00
And the weird part of that was that Joe Rogan was there, who I love.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I said, can I get up in front so I can hear and see what Whitney s dealing with in the pavilion?
3
SPEAKER_00
And they go, yeah, but wear a mask so they don t see you.
3
SPEAKER_00
They don t know who you are.
3
SPEAKER_00
So I m walking up and I ve got this mask on.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is when the pandemic was kind of ending.
3
SPEAKER_00
And Joe looks at me and goes,
3
SPEAKER_00
Get that mask off your face.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I try to say they told me to wear it so people won t see us.
3
SPEAKER_00
But he thought I was paranoid.
3
SPEAKER_00
This was after the the pandemic.
3
SPEAKER_00
But anyway, when then they hire you for the party and you re on a stage like the size of a three three by three and you re over in the corner and there s no microphone and they re all drunk, they go.
3
SPEAKER_00
You weren t as good, were you?
3
SPEAKER_00
Is that it?
3
SPEAKER_01
That s all your best stuff.
3
SPEAKER_01
You re like, well, no one even heard me.
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t have a microphone.
3
SPEAKER_00
I once played a corporate gig where I was 100 feet from the nearest person, and they had their backs to me at a cocktail party.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m not kidding.
3
SPEAKER_00
I was getting paid a lot of money.
3
SPEAKER_00
I was like, so anyway, and they were just backs 100 feet away talking amongst themselves.
3
SPEAKER_01
Couldn t give a care, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
Is it my fault?
3
SPEAKER_01
All right, next one.
3
SPEAKER_01
I just thought, because you re into basketball, is this Caitlin Clark?
3
SPEAKER_01
It s a big deal.
3
SPEAKER_01
She broke the record.
3
SPEAKER_01
But should it be compared with a men s record?
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_01
Are all the records compared with men and women?
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_00
Well, the best basketball game I saw last year was the NCAA championship for women.
3
SPEAKER_00
So the way women play basketball now, I don t know when you would compare it to.
3
SPEAKER_00
They re really athletic.
3
SPEAKER_00
They re very strong.
3
SPEAKER_00
And she s just got an amazing talent, kind of like a- Well, she can drain threes all day, right?
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, she s kind of like Steph Curry in Drake or something.
3
SPEAKER_00
She has a real gift.
3
SPEAKER_00
So I would count it as the greatest thing ever.
3
SPEAKER_00
She s got tall people checking her, double teaming her.
3
SPEAKER_00
I mean, every team tries to stop her.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s just, again, it s teams.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, look who s there.
3
SPEAKER_01
Stupid Theo.
3
SPEAKER_01
Our buddy Theo went to that game.
3
SPEAKER_01
Look at him.
3
SPEAKER_01
Hey, man.
3
SPEAKER_01
Hey, Caitlin.
3
SPEAKER_01
There was this one time that I had a basketball stuck in my ribs.
3
SPEAKER_01
and I had to go to a vet because the only doctor was actually a spaceman.
3
SPEAKER_00
I knew a woman in the neighborhood, she like accidentally, she like swallowed a basketball.
3
SPEAKER_00
Everyone thought she was pregnant.
3
SPEAKER_00
Her mother took her to the hospital.
3
SPEAKER_00
They just said, she s not having a baby.
3
SPEAKER_00
She s throwing up a basketball.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I knew a pregnant girl in fifth grade, she went to my school.
4
SPEAKER_04
Everybody knew it though.
4
SPEAKER_04
Okay, what s this?
4
SPEAKER_04
Jeff Foxworthy.
4
SPEAKER_04
Oh, here s Jeff Foxworthy cleaning his house.
4
SPEAKER_04
We re on to impressions.
4
SPEAKER_05
Okay, this is Mike Dean s impression.
4
SPEAKER_04
Here we go.
4
SPEAKER_04
So far so good.
4
SPEAKER_00
If you ve ever used a leaf blower to clean the inside of your house, you might be a redneck.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s horrible.
4
SPEAKER_04
Now, here, if you, yeah, no, I like, okay, I used to do Jeff Foxworthy on SNL, so I really should recuse myself from this.
4
SPEAKER_03
Can we hear a little bit of it for just a second?
4
SPEAKER_03
If you,
4
SPEAKER_04
If people see you and run, you could be the AIDS virus.
4
SPEAKER_04
If you have, no, I think I had a bit about that.
4
SPEAKER_04
We had to change it to Ebola.
4
SPEAKER_04
So it was like, it was like, if you, actually, let s skip this whole bit.
4
SPEAKER_04
Okay, I put you on the spot.
4
SPEAKER_04
I was gonna go back to the one about the kissing on D-Day, because you said something that reminded me of an old Dennis Miller joke where he goes,
4
SPEAKER_04
You know, folks, they re going to cure AIDS one day.
4
SPEAKER_04
And let me tell you something.
4
SPEAKER_04
If you don t get laid that day, guys, you better give it up.
4
SPEAKER_04
It ain t getting any easier.
4
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_03
Go ahead.
4
SPEAKER_04
Yes.
4
SPEAKER_04
That was from his act, folks.
4
SPEAKER_04
Don t blame me.
4
SPEAKER_03
From Dennis s act.
4
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, that s funny.
4
SPEAKER_04
OK.
4
SPEAKER_03
OK, here s another impression.
4
SPEAKER_03
I m going to guess the impression.
4
SPEAKER_04
OK.
4
SPEAKER_04
OK.
4
SPEAKER_04
This is Jeff Bridges.
4
SPEAKER_03
This is Paul Magby.
4
SPEAKER_04
Paul Magby is doing what, Dana?
4
SPEAKER_04
Guess.
4
SPEAKER_04
Jeff Bridges.
4
SPEAKER_04
Here we go.
4
SPEAKER_04
Okay, here we go.
4
SPEAKER_01
Me sure know like the Naboo.
4
SPEAKER_01
They think they so smart, they think their brain so big.
4
SPEAKER_01
Jabba the Hutt?
4
SPEAKER_01
Be gone with them.
4
SPEAKER_03
Jar Jar Binks.
4
SPEAKER_03
Blinks.
4
SPEAKER_03
Binks.
4
SPEAKER_03
Jar Jar Binks.
4
SPEAKER_04
No, he s more like... I think he was faster, right?
4
SPEAKER_04
Okay, sorry.
4
SPEAKER_04
Who is that?
4
SPEAKER_04
Jabba the Hutt.
4
SPEAKER_04
Okay, okay.
4
SPEAKER_04
Who s this?
4
SPEAKER_04
Here we go.
4
SPEAKER_04
It s Steve Kennedy.
4
SPEAKER_04
Okay, here we go.
4
SPEAKER_05
Hey guys, Steve here.
4
SPEAKER_05
Today we got a little Clint Eastwood and Droopy Dog.
4
SPEAKER_05
Hypothetical situation, huh?
4
SPEAKER_05
Droopy Dog over there says for five dollars he ll put on an exhibition with a Shetland pony.
4
SPEAKER_05
Anybody know what law s been broken here besides cruelty to animals?
4
SPEAKER_05
You know what?
4
SPEAKER_05
You ve got some big balls, Clint.
4
SPEAKER_05
Because of that, bud, I m going to piss all over your front lawn.
4
SPEAKER_03
Well, that was good.
4
SPEAKER_03
It was funny.
4
SPEAKER_03
You know, Droopy Dog and Clint Eastwood, a nice mashup.
4
SPEAKER_03
I thought that Clint was, you know, nicely done, recognizable.
4
SPEAKER_03
And the Droopy Dog, it could probably go a little harder at it, maybe.
4
SPEAKER_03
No offense.
4
SPEAKER_03
How old is Droopy Dog?
4
SPEAKER_03
No, I was probably around in the 1940s.
4
SPEAKER_03
It was sort of a Truman Capote almost.
4
SPEAKER_03
Well, I don t know what you want to do with me.
4
SPEAKER_03
I m Doopie Dog.
4
SPEAKER_03
I haven t seen it in 50 years, so I can t swear, but I could do Felix the Cat for you.
4
SPEAKER_03
Radio.
4
SPEAKER_03
Is that him?
4
SPEAKER_03
No, I was that was just my Tucker Carlson laugh.
4
SPEAKER_04
Okay, should we do another impression, or Dana, do you have one you worked on or not?
4
SPEAKER_03
I could do one.
4
SPEAKER_03
Oh, let s do a couple of redneckies.
4
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_03
All right, let me read this.
4
SPEAKER_03
I m Red Redneckie, the redneck comedian.
4
SPEAKER_03
I met my future wife next to a gas pump.
4
SPEAKER_03
She said, you look like a premium type dude.
4
SPEAKER_03
I said, this dick is diesel, baby.
4
SPEAKER_03
Come on, gays, home.
4
SPEAKER_03
Start out good.
4
SPEAKER_03
A little too wordy.
4
SPEAKER_03
We ll work on that one.
4
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_03
I m Red Red Necky.
4
SPEAKER_03
That was Kenneth Bernhardt.
4
SPEAKER_03
Thank you for putting that in.
4
SPEAKER_03
Cut a few words.
4
SPEAKER_04
He s like, don t say my name after you shit on it.
4
SPEAKER_03
Well, it s just a little too many words.
4
SPEAKER_03
I m Red Red Necky, the redneck comedian.
4
SPEAKER_03
My mama came home wearing only one shoe.
4
SPEAKER_03
And I said, hey, mama, you lost a shoe.
4
SPEAKER_03
And she said, nope, found one.
4
SPEAKER_03
Come and get some.
4
SPEAKER_03
Oh, OK.
4
SPEAKER_03
So she went out barefoot.
4
SPEAKER_03
That s not bad.
4
SPEAKER_03
That s not bad.
4
SPEAKER_03
That s a bit of a thinker.
4
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, Rob Willoughby from from Melbourne down and down and put a shrimp on that shrimp on a shrimp on a barbie barbie barbie barbie.
4
SPEAKER_03
Here s another one from Natalie.
4
SPEAKER_03
I m red red naked a redneck comedian.
4
SPEAKER_03
I asked mama why she was vacuuming naked.
4
SPEAKER_03
She said because she had finished the sweeping.
4
SPEAKER_03
Come on, guys.
4
SPEAKER_03
Oh, OK.
4
SPEAKER_03
It was a bit of a... She was naked the whole time.
4
SPEAKER_03
A bit of a twist.
4
SPEAKER_03
Pretty good joke.
4
SPEAKER_03
OK, last one from Warren.
4
SPEAKER_03
Warren, our business manager.
4
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_03
I m Red Rednecky, the redneck comedian.
4
SPEAKER_03
I brought a woman back to my place.
4
SPEAKER_03
She asked if I had protection.
4
SPEAKER_03
I told her I m covered by Allstate.
4
SPEAKER_03
Come on, get some.
4
SPEAKER_04
OK.
4
SPEAKER_04
I m not laughing out loud, but I m saying they re good.
4
SPEAKER_04
We re used to jokes in comedy, but I say, OK, there s something there.
4
SPEAKER_03
Thanks for sending them in is the main thing.
4
SPEAKER_03
Mm hmm.
4
SPEAKER_04
Mm hmm.
4
SPEAKER_04
All right.
4
SPEAKER_04
Do you have any but anyone s you want to give me Putin?
4
SPEAKER_04
Do you have anything good for us?
4
SPEAKER_03
This is, I like when Biden, when they put him, he s got, he s had a long day and he gets really tired and he kind of spaces out and then he itches his nose.
4
SPEAKER_03
So the weird part about me doing Joe Biden, I m Irish, my eyes are close together, so I kind of, and I m not that much younger than him, so I look kind of like, so I ll do it with him.
4
SPEAKER_03
Tired Joe itches nose in slow motion.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, because that s the thing about people.
4
SPEAKER_02
And there s some people who said, well, they don t.
4
SPEAKER_02
My God.
4
SPEAKER_05
Stupid.
4
SPEAKER_00
So dumb.
4
SPEAKER_03
What was he looking into the sun after?
4
SPEAKER_03
Well, I just thought at the end he would look like E.T.
4
SPEAKER_03
You know?
4
SPEAKER_03
Where s the mothership?
4
SPEAKER_04
Pick me up.
4
SPEAKER_04
My work is done here.
4
SPEAKER_02
Slow motion Biden, gotta laugh.
4
SPEAKER_04
Listen, we laugh.
4
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_03
I ve seen him do it.
4
SPEAKER_03
I mean, it s not made up.
4
SPEAKER_03
Now, lately, Putin has been really, really rattling his saber at dyslexia for a moment.
4
SPEAKER_03
And he talks so casually about launching nukes.
4
SPEAKER_03
It s kind of funny.
4
SPEAKER_03
I have a lot of nukes.
4
SPEAKER_03
I will launch them.
4
SPEAKER_03
Your nukes are like little girls.
4
SPEAKER_03
They re soft and cuddly.
4
SPEAKER_03
Shane Gillis would call your nukes gay.
4
SPEAKER_04
I like to hear a real name in there, like when you hear Japanese people talking, they re going, no, no, no, Tater Tots.
4
SPEAKER_03
My nukes are big and strong and fast.
4
SPEAKER_03
They will destroy you.
4
SPEAKER_03
They will make you explode.
4
SPEAKER_03
Should I launch?
4
SPEAKER_03
Perhaps.
4
SPEAKER_03
Perhaps not.
4
SPEAKER_03
I gotta get this more organized.
4
SPEAKER_03
No, it s good.
4
SPEAKER_03
If I launch my nukes, America will sound like this.
4
That s the second one.
4
SPEAKER_03
And then you cut the bite.
4
SPEAKER_02
Holy shisky.
4
SPEAKER_02
I can t believe this guy tried to launch nukes.
4
SPEAKER_02
This guy s got nukes?
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh, there s the nose!
4
SPEAKER_04
Yeah!
4
SPEAKER_04
That s a good closer.
4
SPEAKER_04
This has been a presentation of Odyssey.
4
SPEAKER_04
Superfly is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman.
4
SPEAKER_04
Hope you liked it.