0
SPEAKER_00
Cute pants.
0
SPEAKER_00
Thanks.
0
SPEAKER_00
It s really like wide pants.
0
SPEAKER_00
Like the wider the better.
0
SPEAKER_00
Is that what s going on?
0
SPEAKER_01
I like wide pants.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s definitely a trend.
0
SPEAKER_01
But also, skinnier pants are also coming back in.
0
SPEAKER_01
They are.
0
SPEAKER_01
But I m not taking that on.
0
SPEAKER_01
I don t want to go back.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
I m not going back.
0
SPEAKER_00
We re on the same page.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, we re synced.
0
SPEAKER_00
So they re coming back even though it s millennial.
0
SPEAKER_00
I feel like there s a lot of millennial stuff I m learning.
0
SPEAKER_00
Like, have you come across stuff where you re like, I do that?
0
SPEAKER_00
Like what?
0
SPEAKER_00
Doing the peace sign.
0
SPEAKER_00
It s like almost like a thing I can t stop myself from doing.
0
SPEAKER_00
It s like an impulse.
0
SPEAKER_00
It s an impulse and I do it and I hate it.
0
SPEAKER_00
I m like, why am I doing— Sometimes I ll do double.
0
SPEAKER_01
Oh, that s interesting.
0
SPEAKER_01
Well, I know there was a whole thing about the side part being millennial.
0
SPEAKER_01
Now I m in middle par and now side par is coming back in, but I fully doubled down on a side par during that pushback because it looked good on me.
0
SPEAKER_00
As an act of protest or aesthetics?
0
SPEAKER_01
No, because I m not just gonna look bad because you think that s out.
0
SPEAKER_01
If blue eyeshadow looked best on me, I would do it.
0
SPEAKER_00
I think you d look great with blue eyeshadow.
0
SPEAKER_00
Now you ve said it and I kind of can t.
0
SPEAKER_00
But no, I— Okay, but also, why do things keep going away and then coming back?
0
SPEAKER_00
What s going on?
0
SPEAKER_00
That s always the way it is.
0
SPEAKER_00
Trends cycle.
0
SPEAKER_00
But that things are out.
0
SPEAKER_00
Things weren t out in the way that they were with the side parts.
0
SPEAKER_00
Again, that they were like millennial-coded.
0
SPEAKER_00
People were kind of shamed.
0
SPEAKER_00
I can t remember a thing like that in like a while.
0
SPEAKER_00
I think that s all— We re just not that age.
0
SPEAKER_01
Like, in the 70s, same thing happened.
0
SPEAKER_01
We re the olds now.
0
SPEAKER_01
Like, we re the ones that had it originally, and then it went out, and then it s back.
0
SPEAKER_01
You know how your mom s always like, that was in style when I was young.
0
SPEAKER_01
My mom says that a lot.
0
SPEAKER_01
That s us.
0
SPEAKER_01
That s this, right?
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
Got it.
0
SPEAKER_01
Gen Z s are retro millennial.
0
SPEAKER_00
in the way that we— Like, I would go to 80s nights, you know, and then dress up and— Oh, God.
0
SPEAKER_01
But not dress up.
0
SPEAKER_01
No, no, no.
0
SPEAKER_01
When we were young, remember flare jeans were in?
0
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
0
SPEAKER_01
All in.
0
SPEAKER_01
Obviously.
0
SPEAKER_01
That was from the 70s.
0
SPEAKER_01
That then went out and then came back, so it s all— Fashion is a cycle.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, got it, got it, got it.
0
SPEAKER_01
Speaking of makeup, I had a makeup event.
0
SPEAKER_01
I didn t attend a makeup event.
0
SPEAKER_01
I endured a makeup event.
0
SPEAKER_01
So I ve been playing with makeup because I ve been watching all these makeup videos and Sephora same day delivery.
0
SPEAKER_01
That s all part of it.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s all part of the problem.
0
SPEAKER_01
So I bought all this makeup and I ve been playing with it and I had plans on Friday to hang out with Anna and then Jess.
0
SPEAKER_01
We were going to see Dune 2.
0
SPEAKER_01
We didn t end up seeing it, but we re seeing it tonight.
0
SPEAKER_01
but I wore it and then I go and I meet Ana and she doesn t say anything but then at some point she s like you have ding ding ding she was calling out there was something on my face but it actually wasn t on my face I just had like a little clump of mascara and she was not on my face in my lashes and she was telling me to like
0
SPEAKER_01
get it out.
0
SPEAKER_01
Which I was glad she told me that.
0
SPEAKER_01
Would you do that?
0
SPEAKER_01
Honestly, no, because I don t even think I would notice it.
0
SPEAKER_01
When she said, oh, you have, I was like, oh, fuck, like it s under my eye or it s on my eyelid.
0
SPEAKER_01
And it wasn t.
0
SPEAKER_00
So the thing in the teeth is a no, thing in the eye, like if it s a makeup event, does it change things for you?
0
SPEAKER_00
Do you feel less bad about intervening?
0
SPEAKER_01
If it s obviously so unintentional, like the mascara is like… On the eyelid?
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I probably would.
0
SPEAKER_01
Because for some reason, that doesn t feel embarrassing.
0
SPEAKER_00
It s not embarrassing.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s all about embarrassment.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, right.
0
SPEAKER_01
Anyway, she said that, and then I was like, oh yeah, I m wearing makeup.
0
SPEAKER_01
And she was like, no, I noticed.
0
SPEAKER_01
And then I felt so anxious about it because she noticed, but she didn t compliment.
0
SPEAKER_01
So then I was like, oh my God, it looks bad.
0
SPEAKER_01
And then Jess came and I was like, I m wearing makeup.
0
SPEAKER_01
And he was like, I know.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I asked, is it too much?
0
SPEAKER_01
He said, no.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I also know it s not too much because I don t do too much when I am wearing makeup.
0
SPEAKER_01
But I was wearing concealer under my eyes.
0
SPEAKER_01
My eyes were bright, which is why people do it.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s like good for your face.
0
SPEAKER_01
But I guess it pushed it over the edge into a lot of makeup.
0
SPEAKER_01
So they were giving me a bit of a hard time.
0
SPEAKER_01
In a funny way, because then I saw Ana again this weekend and I said, you shamed me about my makeup.
0
SPEAKER_01
And she said, well, we need to talk about it.
0
SPEAKER_01
And then I thought she was going to say like, oh, yeah, you were wearing way too much.
0
SPEAKER_01
And then she said, if someone s doing something new, I don t like to say.
0
SPEAKER_01
She said if she had something new, like if she was trying makeup, if somebody called out, she wouldn t like that.
0
SPEAKER_00
So she was trying to be respectful, I guess?
0
SPEAKER_00
Interesting.
0
SPEAKER_00
Everyone has a different— Because I would feel like you, especially if you haven t done something, and then you re doing it, and they re like, I noticed, but they re not following that up with a compliment.
0
SPEAKER_00
They shouldn t say, I noticed.
0
SPEAKER_00
They should say, oh, wow, yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
It s like if you got your hair cut, and you re like, I got my hair cut.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I noticed.
0
SPEAKER_01
And then you don t follow it up with— I did get my hair cut.
0
SPEAKER_00
I love it.
0
SPEAKER_01
Haircut is tricky, actually, because if you tell someone you got their haircut and you didn t notice, you actually want people to notice your haircut.
0
SPEAKER_00
You want them to notice if it s a pot.
0
SPEAKER_00
You don t want people to notice and then not like it.
0
SPEAKER_00
I would rather you not know why I look uglier, but like not as opposed to like, oh, you got your haircut.
0
SPEAKER_00
And then that s the end.
0
SPEAKER_00
You need to follow up with like, it looks great.
0
SPEAKER_00
Or do you tell your friend?
0
SPEAKER_00
I mean, this was I had a debate with my friends around this.
0
SPEAKER_00
One of our friends dyed her hair and she was like, I had to tell her.
0
SPEAKER_00
I couldn t say that it was nice.
0
SPEAKER_00
You did?
0
SPEAKER_00
No, I wasn t involved in the situation.
0
SPEAKER_00
But she was like, if they re your friend, do you tell them that their haircut looks bad?
0
SPEAKER_00
If they tried something new?
0
SPEAKER_00
I mean, we had a question about that with makeup.
0
SPEAKER_00
Do you say something?
0
SPEAKER_01
What can you do about someone s haircut, though?
0
SPEAKER_01
It s too late.
0
SPEAKER_01
So then they re just living with this haircut and knowing that people don t like it.
0
SPEAKER_01
I don t think that s good.
0
SPEAKER_00
Also, unless this is like threatening their job, who cares if you have a bad haircut?
0
SPEAKER_00
If you like it, I m just happy.
0
SPEAKER_00
Who cares what I think?
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
Are you wearing concealer?
0
SPEAKER_01
I always wear concealer.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, it looks nice and bright.
0
SPEAKER_01
Thank you.
0
SPEAKER_01
I m not wearing it today because I m scared.
0
SPEAKER_01
OK, but wait, like were you kind of nervous about wearing makeup?
0
SPEAKER_01
I don t wear makeup that much anymore.
0
SPEAKER_01
I love buying it and I love having it and looking at the packaging and the pretty colors.
0
SPEAKER_01
But for a while, it s mainly a time thing.
0
SPEAKER_01
I just don t build in time at all for it.
0
SPEAKER_01
So I don t really do it.
0
SPEAKER_01
But since I ve been watching my makeup videos and getting back into it,
0
SPEAKER_01
Also, I m so my mom.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s just one of those things that it pops out and it hits you like a ton of bricks that you re your mom or your dad.
0
SPEAKER_01
My mom loves makeup videos and sort of same thing.
0
SPEAKER_01
She ll like buy products and then she does do her makeup sometimes, but barely.
0
SPEAKER_01
And then she s sort of obsessed with watching makeup videos.
0
SPEAKER_00
Interesting.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
Did she love makeup when you were growing up?
0
SPEAKER_00
Or is it like a new found passion?
0
SPEAKER_01
I think she liked it, but there weren t makeup videos way back when.
0
SPEAKER_01
So she liked it and she would buy stuff.
0
SPEAKER_01
I wouldn t call her like a huge skincare makeup enthusiast back then.
0
SPEAKER_00
But now she is.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I am too.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I m her.
0
SPEAKER_00
I mean, I am my mother and dad in a million ways, but I m the opposite in that respect where I m the black sheet of the family.
0
SPEAKER_00
Every time I m around my mom, she ll say, you re wearing so much makeup.
0
SPEAKER_00
She does.
0
SPEAKER_00
And like, it s not, it looks good.
0
SPEAKER_00
It s not a compliment.
0
SPEAKER_00
She ll look at me like I m a disappointment.
0
SPEAKER_00
Which I am.
0
SPEAKER_00
Because she thinks that s not feminist?
0
SPEAKER_00
Oh, probably.
0
SPEAKER_00
I think she thinks I m pretty without it or whatever.
0
SPEAKER_00
You are.
0
SPEAKER_00
But I think she views it as me modifying myself.
0
SPEAKER_00
You feeling insecure so you have to change your phase?
0
SPEAKER_00
I mean, she s always worried about something.
0
SPEAKER_00
But when I was young, did your mom police what you were wearing?
0
SPEAKER_00
No.
0
SPEAKER_01
No?
0
SPEAKER_01
I don t think they noticed what I was wearing.
0
SPEAKER_01
I think sometimes they like eye-rolled a little bit at the trends, speaking of trends.
0
SPEAKER_01
Remember when jeans stopped basically at your labia?
0
SPEAKER_01
I can t believe we did that for so long.
0
SPEAKER_00
I know.
0
SPEAKER_01
They were one inch.
0
SPEAKER_00
The zippers were as long as a, I don t even know.
0
SPEAKER_00
Safety pin.
0
SPEAKER_00
A safety pin.
0
SPEAKER_00
That was a zipper.
0
SPEAKER_00
And as soon as there was any movement whatsoever, your ass crack was out.
0
SPEAKER_01
Lucky for me, I think my ass crack is on the lower end.
0
SPEAKER_01
Me too.
0
SPEAKER_00
Really?
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, because I never had this issue.
0
SPEAKER_00
So Kat, my friend I ve known for my whole life with the stinky feet, her name in my phone currently is Crack because we constantly laughed because we could constantly see her cracks because her crack was high.
0
SPEAKER_00
Both of them.
0
SPEAKER_00
I had no crack on the front and no crack on the back.
0
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I thought you meant vagina.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh my God, that would be so awful.
1
SPEAKER_00
What if your vagina crack started at like your belly button?
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh no, I mean, someone, that might, I m sure.
1
SPEAKER_00
And if that is you, great.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
Great for your body.
1
SPEAKER_00
Look, there s all kinds of different bodies out there, but no body was made for this.
1
SPEAKER_00
No, they weren t.
1
SPEAKER_00
Nobody.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay, so she had cleavage and a butt crack.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, and like her boobs weren t even that big, and her butt wasn t even that big, but somehow they were always in view.
1
SPEAKER_00
So we called her crack, and I still have her as crack in my phone.
1
SPEAKER_00
And she just laughed.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, she seems very, like, so easygoing.
1
SPEAKER_01
She is easygoing.
1
SPEAKER_01
My God.
1
SPEAKER_01
She s like, I don t care about my feet smelling.
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t care about my butt crack being out.
1
SPEAKER_00
Kat is legitimately my inspiration.
1
SPEAKER_01
No wonder you guys are best friends.
1
SPEAKER_00
Because I m the complete opposite.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m not easygoing.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I m like stressed out about everything.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I still remember this.
1
SPEAKER_00
We were 19.
1
SPEAKER_00
We went to Amsterdam.
1
SPEAKER_00
We were like traveling on our own for the first time.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then we had a digital camera, which was so huge.
1
SPEAKER_00
It was, I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_00
Canon, obviously, and it was several hundred dollars, very expensive, new, fun thing.
1
SPEAKER_00
On the first day of the trip, this is maybe going to get me canceled, but we are at the Anne Frank Museum, and we literally take a selfie with Anne Frank.
1
SPEAKER_00
Liz!
1
SPEAKER_00
It s a statue!
1
SPEAKER_00
It wasn t like a sad Anne Frank.
1
SPEAKER_00
You were just taking a picture at the museum.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_00
Outside of it, there was like a statue of Anne Frank, and we were like, let s take a selfie.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then we were like, let s look at the photo.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then we both have ADHD, which we ve later found out in life.
1
SPEAKER_00
But it was meant that we were like a lot together.
1
SPEAKER_00
And we just— The camera just slipped in both our hands and then fell to the ground and broke into a million pieces.
1
SPEAKER_00
In front of Anne.
1
SPEAKER_00
In front of Anne.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, Liz.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, God.
1
SPEAKER_01
This is so stressful.
1
SPEAKER_01
It was.
1
SPEAKER_01
If I was with you guys, I would have just walked away.
1
SPEAKER_01
Like, I ll meet you guys tomorrow.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s my favorite move of yours.
1
SPEAKER_00
I have a lot of moves I admire, but your walking away move I feel like needs to be pinned.
1
SPEAKER_00
We need to go into it pinned.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
Because I think it s an inspiration to everybody.
1
SPEAKER_00
Anyway, the camera falls.
1
SPEAKER_00
It breaks into a million pieces.
1
SPEAKER_00
After Amsterdam, I m going home.
1
SPEAKER_00
She s going for a month in like Belgium and like other stuff.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I m going, oh my God, this is the beginning of her trip.
1
SPEAKER_00
She bought this camera and it just broke.
1
SPEAKER_00
She won t be able to take any photos.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I m just looking at her and she goes, oh, well.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then I go, are you OK?
1
SPEAKER_00
Like, aren t you upset?
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, my God, you won t be able to take any photos.
1
SPEAKER_00
She s like, well, literally like a Buddha at the age of 19.
1
SPEAKER_00
She goes, well, I could either have a broken camera and have a bad day or I could just have a broken camera.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I ll just choose to have a broken camera.
1
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I was like, mind blown.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I like think about that on not a daily basis, but like a monthly basis.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s incredible.
1
SPEAKER_00
She s just on another level.
1
SPEAKER_00
And she s cool.
1
SPEAKER_00
She s not like an annoying person with wisdom.
1
SPEAKER_00
Like, she s like a cool person that s just figured it out.
1
SPEAKER_00
She s great.
1
SPEAKER_00
Where d she get that?
1
SPEAKER_00
That s a really good question.
1
SPEAKER_00
Not from me, and hang out with me all the time.
1
SPEAKER_00
Her parents?
1
SPEAKER_00
I think her parents don t talk about negative stuff.
1
SPEAKER_00
My family was the opposite.
1
SPEAKER_00
Like, they avoided negative stuff?
1
SPEAKER_00
Maybe.
1
SPEAKER_00
Everything comes with both, right?
1
SPEAKER_00
Exactly.
1
SPEAKER_00
So, in my family, we talked about all the negative stuff, and it meant I felt like I could tell my parents a lot of things, but it also was like, can we fucking chill and, like, be a normal, happy family sometimes?
1
SPEAKER_00
So, I think she had that, but it came with so many positive.
1
SPEAKER_00
They re very growth mindset kind of family.
1
SPEAKER_00
How would you have reacted when you were 19 if, together, we d broken your camera?
1
SPEAKER_01
At 19, I would have been upset.
1
SPEAKER_01
Not now, but that s my privilege because I m thinking about the lamp.
1
SPEAKER_01
Remember when the lamp broke at my house?
1
SPEAKER_01
I did not care.
1
SPEAKER_01
But that is because I know I can get another lamp.
1
SPEAKER_01
At 19, I probably wouldn t have been able to get another camera, so I probably would have been pissed.
1
SPEAKER_01
If I m being introspective, I probably would have been pissed at you.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yes, because I m involved.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, you probably made me take the selfie.
1
SPEAKER_00
Right.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I didn t want to.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then the camera broke and I knew in my head, like, I knew we should not have done this.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then I m a little angry.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
But I m not the type of person who, if I m angry, I just let it linger and linger and linger.
1
SPEAKER_01
I would have been angry for like,
1
SPEAKER_00
The walk to whatever we went to next.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then it would have been done.
1
SPEAKER_00
Are you like that now?
1
SPEAKER_00
Are you not a resentful person?
1
SPEAKER_01
Even now, if I am upset with someone, I guess it depends on the depth of why I m upset.
1
SPEAKER_01
If there s like a real thing I have to work through, then that might take a bit.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s normally something I would just do with my therapist.
1
SPEAKER_01
But in general, if I m upset, I do think I get over it quickly.
1
SPEAKER_01
I hate just like a lingering fight.
1
SPEAKER_01
There s nothing I find more annoying at this stage in life where it s just three or four days of a fight.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s like, no, let s just be done.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s like, we can be done with this.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I think
1
SPEAKER_01
That comes from my parents.
1
SPEAKER_01
My mom, she s not like this anymore at all.
1
SPEAKER_01
But at one point when I was younger, if her and I got in a fight, which we did all the time, she sometimes would stay mad at me longer than I was mad.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then I was extra upset by that.
1
SPEAKER_01
Like, now we have to sit in this, I m over it, you re refusing to get over it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Now we re stuck here.
1
SPEAKER_01
So I think I learned sort of quickly after fights, like I m ready to move on and not just have this like awkward few days.
1
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t enjoy an awkward few days.
1
SPEAKER_00
I mean, it s the worst, especially when you re living with the person.
1
SPEAKER_00
I think what I struggle with is because you don t want to be blaming other people, right?
1
SPEAKER_00
Because that just means you re poisoning yourself with this resentment.
1
SPEAKER_00
But then what s the middle ground between like blaming other people and then blaming yourself?
1
SPEAKER_00
Sometimes I feel like I ve gone to either end where I m overly taking responsibility.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s like my part in it and what I could have done differently, which I think is all good.
1
SPEAKER_00
But then I m kind of using it to like shame myself or punish myself or again, then it s staying longer again than it needs to be.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s something I m like, I haven t figured out.
1
SPEAKER_01
Understanding your part is huge.
1
SPEAKER_01
But I think for me, not necessarily to understand what you ve contributed, which is important to know, but also to know that that s just the other person.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s who they are.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s their personality.
1
SPEAKER_01
Like, let s go back to the museum.
1
SPEAKER_01
If I was with you and you were like, let s take a selfie, let s take a selfie, let s take a selfie.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I was like, no.
1
SPEAKER_01
But then I did it.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then the camera dropped.
1
SPEAKER_01
I would, one, have to be like,
1
SPEAKER_01
If I really didn t want to do it, I should have not done it.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s on me.
1
SPEAKER_01
And two, that s Liz.
1
SPEAKER_01
Liz likes taking selfies and she wants that and that s something she enjoys.
1
SPEAKER_01
I just have to know that about you.
1
SPEAKER_01
If I know that about you and I accept that, which you have to accept, people are a bunch of things, like you have to take them as
1
SPEAKER_01
a whole, you can t just pick the pieces you like about people.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
People have parts that you don t love, but it doesn t mean anything really.
1
SPEAKER_01
You know, like, I think it s so helpful to just be like, of course that happened because then you can laugh because you have actual acceptance and you re not like,
1
SPEAKER_01
Why d they do that?
1
SPEAKER_01
It s like, well, they did that because that s who they are.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, right.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m using a benign example, obviously, even in big examples where people do not great stuff.
1
SPEAKER_01
If you re like, that s who they are, like in their soul.
1
SPEAKER_01
Then you get to make decisions.
1
SPEAKER_01
You can say, I want this person in my life, so I m going to accept that.
1
SPEAKER_01
Or I can t accept that, so I can t have this person in my life.
1
SPEAKER_01
Right.
1
SPEAKER_00
Which is a perfect segue to our pin about walking away.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, so I have been walking away more.
1
SPEAKER_01
My therapist taught me this.
1
SPEAKER_01
This was a few years ago, she told me.
1
SPEAKER_01
And this is sort of an Al-Anon thing, too.
1
SPEAKER_01
You can leave any room.
1
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
1
SPEAKER_01
That just stuck with me when she— because I, at that time, one, felt like I had to fix everyone.
1
SPEAKER_01
I had to fix everything.
1
SPEAKER_01
It was on me.
1
SPEAKER_01
These are all things I put on myself.
1
SPEAKER_01
No one else was doing that.
1
SPEAKER_01
I have to police what s going on here.
1
SPEAKER_01
When people are treating me poorly, I have to fight back.
1
SPEAKER_01
I have to stand up for myself.
1
SPEAKER_01
I have to push back on things that I don t think are right.
1
SPEAKER_01
And no, she s like, if you are not being treated properly, you can leave.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
And so I ve been practicing that.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I love like walking away is different running away.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s not slamming the door.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s not I m running away from this or I m like being angry.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s like walking away is such a caring way to do it for everyone involved.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s like, look, I m not going to go here.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m not going to let this escalate to a hundred.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m not doing it.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m leaving.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s an option.
1
SPEAKER_01
And how does it feel when you do it?
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, it feels so good.
1
SPEAKER_01
And it s so much better cortisol wise.
1
SPEAKER_01
There s not the cortisol dump you get when you engage in like a crazy fight.
1
SPEAKER_01
Again, that s like from my childhood.
1
SPEAKER_01
I just fought all the time with my family.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I m used to that and that s the pattern that I find myself in a lot and it is very comfortable for me.
2
SPEAKER_01
Walking away was not.
2
SPEAKER_01
So now doing it and seeing like, oh, I don t have this crazy adrenaline.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t have feelings of regret because I didn t say anything I wish I didn t say.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m leaving on like the high road.
2
SPEAKER_01
You feel better after.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, like a classic Elanon thing like is you stay in conversations longer than you want.
2
SPEAKER_00
You stay in relationships longer than you want.
2
SPEAKER_00
You stay in situations longer than you want.
2
SPEAKER_00
Even when it s like small, when it doesn t even matter is when you maybe even, I know, I notice it the most.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m like, why am I not?
2
SPEAKER_00
ending this conversation if I want to end it.
2
SPEAKER_00
Why am I uncomfortable? 
2
SPEAKER_00
So I love that.
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, I also think women are trained to stay in situations they re not comfortable in for the sake of others.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
I was at a coffee shop over the weekend, and I was literally working on this feminist essay, kind of about this.
2
SPEAKER_00
And this woman and this man were sitting next to me.
2
SPEAKER_00
And at one point, he just gets up, and she s like,
2
SPEAKER_00
Are you leaving?
2
SPEAKER_00
Hello?
2
SPEAKER_00
Hello? 
2
SPEAKER_00
And he walks out.
2
SPEAKER_00
He walks out and he crosses the street.
2
SPEAKER_00
He has a big car that s like, has a lot of stuff on it.
2
SPEAKER_00
He gets in the car and she runs after him.
2
SPEAKER_00
I see this whole scene of her like, he s driving away.
2
SPEAKER_00
She s trying to talk to him like, and he ends up leaving.
2
SPEAKER_00
She comes back in and I m like, I m trying not to look at her.
2
SPEAKER_00
Cause I m like, oh my God, I would be so embarrassed.
2
SPEAKER_00
And then she proceeds to like, call him.
2
SPEAKER_00
and start yelling at him, but also being like, how could you?
2
SPEAKER_00
And like, you don t even care.
2
SPEAKER_00
But I m like, why are you?
2
SPEAKER_00
And again, I ve been there.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I think so many women have where you re being so mistreated.
2
SPEAKER_00
And also this guy clearly is just not, I mean, if you re just walking away from someone you re not even able to like have a conversation about, like this was different from you.
2
SPEAKER_00
But that s what I was about to say.
2
SPEAKER_00
How do we know?
2
SPEAKER_01
We don t know what s going on with them.
2
SPEAKER_01
Maybe he was walking away from a bad situation.
2
SPEAKER_01
Maybe, you re right.
2
SPEAKER_01
Actually, I read it that way.
2
SPEAKER_01
My take on based on what you re telling me is that is what he did.
2
SPEAKER_01
If she s screaming at him in public.
2
SPEAKER_00
On the phone.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
Before he left, she was like, are you leaving?
2
SPEAKER_00
I mean, the detail that I m leaving out is just like didn t seem his car.
2
SPEAKER_00
There was like a lot going on with them.
2
SPEAKER_00
I don t think either of them was very regulated.
2
SPEAKER_00
And even why is he on the phone with her then?
2
SPEAKER_00
Like, we kind of fight people to be treated well instead of sometimes just being like, I m not, yeah, I m going to walk away from this.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I think, again, particularly with women, trying to convert someone into a different person than they are is, I think, something that I know I did way too much.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I hope girls are learning not to do.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s hard.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
Support for Syncd comes from ZocDoc.
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SPEAKER_01
We love ZocDoc.
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We love ZocDoc.
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It s a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in-network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online.
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So easy.
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We talked about our healthcare system.
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It can be tricky.
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So anything that can make it easier is a plus.
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Yes.
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You know, it s so great when you get a recommendation for a doctor from a friend or something like that and they re like, oh yeah, this person s great.
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But sometimes you don t have the recommendation or they don t take your insurance.
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That s a lot of it.
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It s like someone recommends someone and they re talking so highly about them.
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You know they re going to be perfect.
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SPEAKER_01
You go, like make the appointment, you go and they don t take your
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SPEAKER_00
Yes, or sometimes they re like fully booked.
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SPEAKER_00
They re not taking new people.
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SPEAKER_00
So I use ZocDoc all the time to then go and get other people s recommendations.
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SPEAKER_00
So you see reviews for each doctor, you see their rating, and you then can literally book on the website.
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You don t even have to call this place.
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You can just make the appointment and then go.
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Go to ZocDoc.com slash synced and download the ZocDoc app for free.
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Then find and book a top rated doctor today.
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That s Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash S-Y-N-C-E-D.
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Zocdoc.com slash sync.
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Support for CYNTH comes from SKIMS.
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I was just talking about SKIMS the other day with a fashion friend of mine.
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And she was raving.
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I was looking for a bodysuit and I was like, I ll buy it with SKIMS because I know it s going to look good and it s going to also feel good.
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It ll feel comfortable.
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You ll find your size.
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That s one thing.
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They have a massive range of sizes and colors.
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which is huge.
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Some other brands have like nude and that nude is not the nude for me.
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Right.
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It doesn t match my skin tone.
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Skims is amazing because really you can find any color that will match your skin.
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They also have awesome like t-shirts now.
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I mean, it s the most flattering t-shirt I ve ever owned.
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I have the soft smoothing t-shirt and I used to think like, okay, you just wear a t-shirt and like it doesn t look that good, but like it looks better than...
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Something that s like far less casual and far less comfortable.
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It is really amazing.
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I have the Fits Everybody short-sleeved t-shirt in cocoa.
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It s like this nice brown.
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And they do.
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They have all these colors so you can like stock up on your basics.
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2
SPEAKER_01
Speaking of feminism, so I was listening to Nobody s Listening, right?
2
SPEAKER_01
My favorite podcast.
2
SPEAKER_01
And they have this sort of ongoing debate about the word bitch.
2
SPEAKER_01
Elizabeth is like, Andy, you can t say it.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s her rule.
2
SPEAKER_01
She s like, men can t say it, but women can.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then they were sort of like breaking it down into the different types of ways to say it.
2
SPEAKER_01
I was sitting with this after, I don t think I agree that if we re saying men can t say it because it s enforcing a gender stereotype, then I don t think women should perpetuate it either, personally.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I know there s like, this is a big debate, what women can say versus what men can say.
2
SPEAKER_01
because I am a woman, I can, you know, if I am this ethnicity, I can say this.
2
SPEAKER_01
I know the thought is like, you fucked up the word bitch and you used it to marginalize a group.
2
SPEAKER_01
And so I m taking it back.
2
SPEAKER_01
The problem is that only works if we took it back and then used it to empower or use it in a positive way towards women.
2
SPEAKER_01
But it s still not.
2
SPEAKER_01
When women are using it, it s still negative.
2
SPEAKER_00
Is it, though?
2
SPEAKER_00
I use it not negatively.
2
SPEAKER_00
I get what you mean, right?
2
SPEAKER_00
We shouldn t use it as an insult against another woman.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
We should use it as a positive, which I do.
2
SPEAKER_00
This is a move for many of my friends.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s a millennial move.
2
SPEAKER_00
when I m buying a birthday cake, I will have them write, happy birthday, bitch.
2
SPEAKER_01
That I get.
2
SPEAKER_01
But I think if we re using it as a pejorative, like, oh, she s such a bitch.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s the same as a guy saying she s such a bitch.
2
SPEAKER_01
And it s a negative thing.
2
SPEAKER_01
But I agree with you.
2
SPEAKER_01
If we re going to make it a positive thing and that bitches are our friends.
2
SPEAKER_01
Bitches get shit done, right?
2
SPEAKER_01
Like that kind of stuff.
2
SPEAKER_01
I think that s good.
2
SPEAKER_00
But you re right that it s a little bit like we ve three quarters of the way reclaimed it.
2
SPEAKER_01
Because we still use it in a bad way.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yes, in the way that queer people don t use queer as a negative.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like, he s so queer.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like, they don t say that.
2
SPEAKER_00
Women, so much of is internalized.
2
SPEAKER_00
We re doing you wrong.
2
SPEAKER_01
Do you think we re doing it wrong?
2
SPEAKER_01
No, I think we re doing great.
2
SPEAKER_01
I really do.
2
SPEAKER_01
But I do think there are mistakes and there s always going to be mistakes.
2
SPEAKER_00
Well, it s that women, I don t know if I m speaking out of turn, but I do think that the sisterhood is more fractured, quote unquote sisterhood, is more fractured than solidarity between queer people or solidarity between men.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, men, obviously.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
Women on women hate.
2
SPEAKER_01
is so strong.
2
SPEAKER_01
And that comes from the patriarchy.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like, you know, but still it is.
2
SPEAKER_01
And men hate other individual men or they re threatened by men, other men.
2
SPEAKER_01
But the hatred overall is less of the gender itself.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s not gender coded when they don t like another guy.
2
SPEAKER_00
Exactly.
2
SPEAKER_00
I think there is a growing group of men who are annoyed by patriarchal, I guess, men.
2
SPEAKER_00
Toxic masculinity.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_00
Those toxic men are giving their gender a bad name, which I think is good.
2
SPEAKER_00
That s how we fight this.
2
SPEAKER_00
But you re right.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s still, I don t think, a majority of men in the way that it is for women.
2
SPEAKER_00
Do you think we re more competitive?
2
SPEAKER_00
The whole thing is that men are competitive, like testosterone, blah, blah, blah.
2
SPEAKER_00
But I also think women are very competitive.
2
SPEAKER_01
Women are very competitive, but part of that is the structure of society.
2
SPEAKER_01
There are fewer opportunities for women.
2
SPEAKER_01
So that s going to breed competition.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t know about innately, but it s hard to know what s innate.
2
SPEAKER_01
Everything s socialized.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
Men and women.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
Anyhow.
2
SPEAKER_00
Anything else on that?
2
SPEAKER_00
On feminism?
2
SPEAKER_00
Overall?
2
SPEAKER_00
I mean, a lot.
2
SPEAKER_00
So much all the time.
2
SPEAKER_00
I mean, I don t know if we want to bring this up, but like that French lady that was like, I wish I was an African American.
2
SPEAKER_00
What?
2
SPEAKER_00
You didn t see this?
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh no.
2
SPEAKER_00
She s a French actress, I think.
2
SPEAKER_00
I guess it s a clip that resurfaced from like a year ago or two years ago that was like a Sundance or something.
2
SPEAKER_00
And she s sitting next to Kieran Culkin and Robert De Niro and like, it s like a big panel.
2
SPEAKER_00
And she goes, you know, there s
3
SPEAKER_00
There s no worse position than being a woman in our industry.
3
SPEAKER_00
Some days I wish I was an African-American because then at least people would believe me when I say that there s inequality.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh boy.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then Kieran is just like immediately like shriveling, bending over himself.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so that s been going around, but I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s like not fun.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh boy.
3
SPEAKER_01
I just like, why do you have to put down another marginalized group to show how marginalized you are?
3
SPEAKER_00
Well, it s this whole idea, Gloria Steinem says, like, oppressions aren t ranked, they re linked.
3
SPEAKER_00
And that s sort of the 101.
3
SPEAKER_00
It is 101.
3
SPEAKER_00
But also, a lot of Black women will say that being Black is actually harder than being a woman.
3
SPEAKER_00
First of all, because it s also like their experience of sexism is modified by the racism.
3
SPEAKER_00
So it s like an even more pernicious.
3
SPEAKER_00
version of it.
3
SPEAKER_00
But do you think we can rank them?
3
SPEAKER_00
Because that s like a little bit of... No.
3
SPEAKER_00
But again, for some women, they say racism is actually more... Well, that s for them.
3
SPEAKER_00
We can rank personally.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
How it s affected our lives personally.
3
SPEAKER_01
For me, race is much higher than being a woman.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s much worse.
3
SPEAKER_01
In college, I got in a fight with a very good friend about this because they were talking about a kid in their life who was a baby at the time and Chinese and a girl.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so this friend was talking about how like, I don t remember the details, this was so long ago, but basically like, how hard it is to be a woman and how hard it s going to be for her.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I was like, well, more so that this kid is Chinese and in the South, that s tough.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then we got in this big debate about what s harder.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I was sort of annoyed because I was like,
3
SPEAKER_01
You ve only experienced one.
3
SPEAKER_01
Right.
3
SPEAKER_01
I ve experienced both.
3
SPEAKER_01
So for me, I rank race higher, but it s so individual.
3
SPEAKER_01
And it s hard to parse out, like you said.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s just like such a inflammatory, right, like that people have different opinions.
3
SPEAKER_00
So I remember also, like in college, there was like this whole
3
SPEAKER_00
And I probably said something fucking stupid that like I would never like.
3
SPEAKER_00
And also, I think my understanding of racism being like French Canadian in like the early 2000s in like Montreal, I did not understand.
3
SPEAKER_00
I mean, there s so much racism in Canada.
3
SPEAKER_00
So I remember like having a debate with someone from the U.S.
3
SPEAKER_00
and they re like, no, it s worse.
3
SPEAKER_00
And he was white.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like it wasn t, you know, but I remember being.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Anyway, it s sort of a dicey conversation to have, but I think it s a really valuable one.
3
SPEAKER_00
And that woman did not.
3
SPEAKER_01
That was a mistake.
3
SPEAKER_01
Hopefully she understood that that was a mistake and moved forward with a new perspective.
3
SPEAKER_01
Even if maybe her opinion is the same, but what s the point of what you just did?
3
SPEAKER_01
Is that helpful to anyone and to her?
3
SPEAKER_00
No.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s all so deep.
3
SPEAKER_01
Gender and race is so heavy and the layers keep going and going and going and going.
3
SPEAKER_01
Because also on, this is a lot of nobody s listening, right?
3
SPEAKER_01
Shout outs.
3
SPEAKER_01
If you aren t listening to that show, you should.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s so great.
3
SPEAKER_01
I love it so much.
3
SPEAKER_01
But it was funny because they were also talking about, can people change, basically?
3
SPEAKER_01
And does society let people change?
3
SPEAKER_01
And there was a whole conversation about that.
3
SPEAKER_01
And Michael Vick came up.
3
SPEAKER_01
Michael Vick was a big football player, like Heisman, right?
3
SPEAKER_00
He was a really good quarterback.
3
SPEAKER_01
Okay, he was a huge football player and he was doing all this dog fighting and it was really bad and it was horrible for the dogs.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so Elizabeth was talking about that and she was saying that it s really dark because Andy positioned it, which of course is silly, but he was like, is that worse or better than someone like taking advantage of an old person or something like stealing money from an old person?
3
SPEAKER_01
So they started to like get in that debate.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I immediately, and this is just because of my background, obviously what Michael Vick did was horrible.
3
SPEAKER_01
But there s race stuff in there, and there s power stuff in there based on race stuff.
3
SPEAKER_01
And it s so deep.
3
SPEAKER_01
And it doesn t excuse the behavior, but it does explain a lot of the behavior.
3
SPEAKER_01
If you re not thinking on that track, you re just like, oh, that s so bad.
3
SPEAKER_01
Like, who could ever?
3
SPEAKER_01
And there are reasons people behave the way they behave.
3
SPEAKER_00
We re just blind a lot.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
And again, I feel like, especially with this woman, if you re just getting into feminism or like just thinking about like, that might be something that makes sense to you.
3
SPEAKER_00
But if you have any, you know, and again, not to excuse it, but it s something I ve literally heard.
3
SPEAKER_00
Once I was in this progressive group and one woman, obviously a white woman, was like, you know, we re the white N-word.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think it s even sort of a quote from like another famous... Wait, what?
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, we re the... But I don t get it.
3
SPEAKER_00
Who is?
3
SPEAKER_00
Women.
3
SPEAKER_00
But only if they re white?
3
SPEAKER_00
Exactly.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s such a fucked up misunderstanding of everything.
3
SPEAKER_00
And also that so many white women, it s like they, and I know I was in this camp.
3
SPEAKER_00
I just wanted to be a white man.
3
SPEAKER_00
That makes a ton more sense.
3
SPEAKER_00
Right?
3
SPEAKER_00
But I wanted power.
3
SPEAKER_00
But feminism is not, it s not about power.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s about freedom.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so if you re only interested in power, like this woman who like is an actress, probably has never read a feminist book in her life.
3
SPEAKER_00
because that s not what she does.
3
SPEAKER_00
And she s just like, I want to be like the men.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so even when she s saying, I wish I was African-American, she s probably omitting, it s like, she wants to be a man.
3
SPEAKER_00
And even like an African-American man, which probably honestly is still, exactly.
3
SPEAKER_00
You re probably more advantaged than, or again, I mean, ranking all of this, exactly.
3
SPEAKER_01
Do you want to be Denzel Washington?
3
SPEAKER_01
One of the few extremely successful black men in Hollywood?
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s just, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Also, like France, there s some complicated stuff around identity, and they have this whole concept of assimilation, which is that if you are an immigrant and you move to France, it s not the melting pot.
3
SPEAKER_00
You have to become French and therefore become white.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so all of these banning of burqas or banning of religious symbols, hijabs for women, headscarves.
3
SPEAKER_00
I didn t know that.
3
SPEAKER_00
Quebec, because it s so influenced by France, has some of those elements.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so that s why I know about it.
3
SPEAKER_00
There s these debates around religious symbols, even though you re like, who cares?
3
SPEAKER_00
And then Muslim women have to close down their daycares or can t work at a school.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s really screwed up.
3
SPEAKER_00
So she s coming probably from that sort of cultural environment, which is not the most progressive.
3
SPEAKER_00
Progressive.
3
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
3
SPEAKER_00
Anyway.
3
SPEAKER_00
We learned a lot today.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
We re in the gamut.
3
SPEAKER_01
Now, let s do some questions.
3
SPEAKER_01
Now, we have a cliffhanger from last week.
3
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_01
I m going to start it again.
3
SPEAKER_01
Going on a girl s trip without one of my friends.
3
SPEAKER_01
Should I tell her ahead of time?
3
SPEAKER_01
From McKenna.
3
SPEAKER_01
Hi, Monica and Liz.
3
SPEAKER_01
Long-time listener, first-time caller.
3
SPEAKER_01
I ve talked to my mom, best friend, and therapist about this, and I still feel conflicted, so I m hoping The Sync Squad can help.
3
SPEAKER_01
I m 29 years old, and I m from a small town in Central California, but I moved to Montana for college, and I ve lived here ever since.
3
SPEAKER_01
I ve made a really amazing group of close girlfriends here, and next month we re going on a trip to my hometown in California.
3
SPEAKER_01
I m really excited to show them where I come from, introduce them to my friends back home, and generally give them a better sense of who I am and that part of my life.
3
SPEAKER_01
I just have one problem.
3
SPEAKER_01
One of my friends, Grace, pseudonym, and I have been a bit on the outs lately.
3
SPEAKER_01
We ve been friends for seven years.
3
SPEAKER_01
Our husbands are friends.
3
SPEAKER_01
We were in each other s weddings, etc.
3
SPEAKER_01
I have a lot of respect and love for our friendship, but over the past year, we ve become distant.
3
SPEAKER_01
I ve been finding our relationship very one-sided, always talking about her, never asking how I am, making every single situation about her whenever possible.
3
SPEAKER_01
She s shown herself to be extremely selfish, and I didn t mind so much when I was younger, but as I grow into myself, I don t want to waste my time sitting alone at a restaurant waiting for her to show up 20 minutes late every single time, for example.
3
SPEAKER_01
It feels disrespectful.
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t look forward to seeing her anymore, and I ve stopped making an effort.
3
SPEAKER_01
She has spent time with my whole girlfriend group and considers them friends, but it s more through association with me.
3
SPEAKER_01
My other friends in the group are totally over Grace s behavior.
3
SPEAKER_01
So for this trip, I booked it with all my other friends, honestly not even thinking of Grace, but as the trip approaches, I m feeling very anxious about how Grace will react.
3
SPEAKER_01
She s dramatic and has chewed me out before when she wasn t invited to things, trips my other friends have planned, and I have no control over the guest list, but somehow it s all my fault.
3
SPEAKER_01
I know her feelings will be hurt, and I feel sorry about that.
3
SPEAKER_01
I need help figuring out if I should tell her ahead of time so she isn t blindsided by seeing it on social media, or if I don t owe her an apology up front and let it play out after the fact.
3
SPEAKER_01
Either way, I know she s going to be upset and I m going to get berated.
3
SPEAKER_01
Is this the nail in the coffin?
3
SPEAKER_01
I feel really conflicted because deep down I love her, but she really hasn t been there for me or been a good friend.
3
SPEAKER_01
Help.
3
SPEAKER_01
Girl friendships are so complicated.
3
SPEAKER_01
Love you guys so much.
3
SPEAKER_01
Always looking forward to the girl talk.
3
SPEAKER_01
Girl friendships are so complicated because they re so intimate.
3
SPEAKER_00
So deep, so many layers.
3
SPEAKER_00
I just feel like this might be blunt, but in two years, you re not going to be friends with Grace anymore.
3
SPEAKER_00
I feel like this is stage three of friendships that I ve been in where I m at this stage where I clearly can t have the person in my life anymore, but I have all this holdover guilt of all of the things I want to do without this person.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then how am I going to cover it up or how am I going to minimize it?
3
SPEAKER_00
How can I include her without including her?
3
SPEAKER_00
And you re basically just delaying what s probably going to end up happening, which is it s not a healthy relationship anymore.
3
SPEAKER_00
And like, maybe it will be eventually, maybe it ll change.
3
SPEAKER_00
But right now, you don t want to be friends with this person.
3
SPEAKER_00
Or maybe you still want who they used to be, but the person that they are now is not someone that you want in your life.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so I just rip off the Band-Aid.
3
SPEAKER_01
I think a very hard thing for people to do is to hold these two things at once, which is, I love this person.
4
SPEAKER_01
and this person isn t good for my life.
4
SPEAKER_01
They can both be happening at the same time.
4
SPEAKER_01
It feels very odd and at odds, but I ve experienced it in my life.
4
SPEAKER_01
I have other friends I know who ve experienced it.
4
SPEAKER_01
And it s true.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s not that you don t love her or you care about her or you don t wish her any ill will, but it s not a friendship you need to foster.
4
SPEAKER_00
There s so many little clues in your letter of the way that you re responsible for her feelings, that somehow you ve taken on the responsibility of making her feel included in her life at all times.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m sorry that that is the dynamic, but that s not a sustainable role for you.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
And not a sustainable situation for her.
4
SPEAKER_00
And so in a way, I think this needs to happen.
4
SPEAKER_00
This needs to kick it off.
4
SPEAKER_01
Kick it off.
4
SPEAKER_01
And it s your life.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, but she s not bringing her.
4
SPEAKER_01
So I guess the question is, does she say it before?
4
SPEAKER_01
I actually don t think so.
4
SPEAKER_01
No, me too.
4
SPEAKER_00
Because then you re making it even a bigger deal.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s giving her a little bit too much importance.
4
SPEAKER_01
Right.
4
SPEAKER_01
Whereas after the fact, it s like, we made a plan.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m sorry you feel excluded.
4
SPEAKER_01
But you don t have to give her anything else.
4
SPEAKER_00
No.
4
SPEAKER_01
You don t have to give her a reason.
4
SPEAKER_00
You made a plan with your friends.
4
SPEAKER_00
Sometimes the best thing is action, right?
4
SPEAKER_00
And through behavior, modeling what s right for you in this relationship as opposed to like explaining it.
4
SPEAKER_00
Explaining all of this to her could also validate her entitlement to
4
SPEAKER_01
I also think there s different iterations of this.
4
SPEAKER_01
Like, let s say it s a group of friends who do absolutely everything together, feels equal in the friendships, and then all of a sudden it s like, we don t want this one in here anymore.
4
SPEAKER_01
I do think that is a conversation.
4
SPEAKER_01
Cause that can be crazy making.
4
SPEAKER_01
This doesn t sound like this.
4
SPEAKER_01
This is like a friend of yours that you brought in sort of, and they don t really like that part.
4
SPEAKER_01
Like it s different.
4
SPEAKER_01
I guess I m saying that as not like a blanket, like you never have to give people any explanations.
4
SPEAKER_01
That s not necessarily true.
4
SPEAKER_01
I just think in this case, she will ask you.
4
SPEAKER_01
So you do have to be prepared for that conversation.
4
SPEAKER_01
And just, you just have to remember you re not, your goal isn t to preserve the friendship.
4
SPEAKER_00
I also think whenever I m making a decision about what I m posting on social media based on how one person is going to feel, whether it s are they going to respond positively or are they going to respond negatively, like I always go like, what s going on?
4
SPEAKER_00
Because there are so many people that are also following you and that you have in your network.
4
SPEAKER_00
There are so many reasons to post things that you post.
4
SPEAKER_00
And like the fact that you would be making all of those decisions based on one person s feelings to me is always like a sign that like something is not super healthy.
4
SPEAKER_00
And on my end, right?
4
SPEAKER_00
Like, we all have this thing of like, when you post something and you just want your crush to see it and respond or whatever.
4
SPEAKER_00
Like even that, when I fall into that, I m like, okay, there s something going on here.
4
SPEAKER_00
So yeah, I think that s always a moment to pause and sort of reflect.
4
SPEAKER_01
Okay, great.
4
SPEAKER_01
This is fun.
4
SPEAKER_01
What is razor etiquette?
4
SPEAKER_01
This is from anonymous.
4
SPEAKER_01
One of my oldest friends came to visit me for a long weekend.
4
SPEAKER_01
We live on different sides of the country and have been best buds since middle school.
4
SPEAKER_01
I tell her everything, but neither of us are super touchy-feely or anything like that.
4
SPEAKER_01
We re in our early 30s, both self-sufficient career women capable of buying our own toiletries.
4
SPEAKER_01
On the third day she was here, she was asking about the shower.
4
SPEAKER_01
I already had a clean towel set out for her and I said, feel free to use anything in the shower.
4
SPEAKER_01
I meant like shampoo, conditioner, body wash, face wash, trying to be a good host.
4
SPEAKER_01
She walked out of the shower and I saw little Nick on the back of her cat.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I was like, oh my God, she used my razor.
4
SPEAKER_01
I was really grossed out by it.
4
SPEAKER_01
Like it was a violation of my privacy to use my razor.
4
SPEAKER_01
She later was talking and made a joke about the cut she got from using my razor and that I buy sharp razors and I don t use them forever like she does, which is true.
4
SPEAKER_01
I immediately was just super grossed out.
4
SPEAKER_01
Like, did she only shave her legs, pits, nether regions?
4
SPEAKER_01
To be clear, I would die for her, but somehow using my razor, even if it s just for her legs, is a step too far?
4
SPEAKER_01
I doubt I hid my expression well, and we went about our business through the rest of her trip, which was lovely.
4
SPEAKER_01
But as soon as I got home from dropping her off from the airport, I immediately went to the bathroom and threw away the razor cartridge she used and filled it with a new one.
4
SPEAKER_01
So Liz and Monica, my question is, am I crazy?
4
SPEAKER_01
Is sharing a razor commonplace?
4
SPEAKER_01
Is this something that is okay and under what circumstances?
4
SPEAKER_01
Am I missing something or is using the same hair cutter for tiny hairs on weird places of your body something that is shareable?
4
SPEAKER_01
I just don t know.
4
SPEAKER_01
This is a great question.
4
SPEAKER_01
We could do a whole hour on this.
4
SPEAKER_01
We totally could.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I think we might.
4
SPEAKER_01
I have a feeling we re going to have much different opinions.
4
SPEAKER_00
First of all, not to bring up Kat again, but Kat taught me this great trick when we were in our early 20s and we were like hooking up.
4
SPEAKER_00
Not together.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
But you go out and then you end up hooking up and you like hadn t planned for it.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I remember like she was like, oh, I just go into the guy s bathroom and I use this razor.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh my.
4
SPEAKER_00
That s so on brand for her, based on the three stories.
4
SPEAKER_00
She doesn t care.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
I can t remember if I did it, but I feel like I did a version of it.
4
SPEAKER_00
Again, this is like when you get old.
4
SPEAKER_00
It was like 15 years ago now.
4
SPEAKER_00
But I remember being like, that s genius.
4
SPEAKER_00
That s amazing.
4
SPEAKER_00
Wait, maybe I need to tell.
4
SPEAKER_00
Okay, this is like deviating now.
4
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_00
I was at a party once, and...
4
SPEAKER_00
I was at a party once and like similar situation.
4
SPEAKER_00
I thought about the cat thing because I was like gonna go on to another situation after the party.
4
SPEAKER_00
I didn t really prepare like I don t smell good.
4
SPEAKER_00
And so I was at someone s house.
4
SPEAKER_00
It was not a friend, but it was my friend s girlfriend and I did use her deodorant.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s really bad.
4
SPEAKER_00
If I was sober, I would never do that.
4
SPEAKER_00
But I was like a few drinks in, and I was like, is it really that bad?
4
SPEAKER_00
You just used it on your armpits?
4
SPEAKER_00
I did.
4
SPEAKER_00
But that s my most bad moment.
4
SPEAKER_00
That s not sending you to hell.
4
SPEAKER_00
You don t think?
4
SPEAKER_01
No.
4
SPEAKER_01
I mean, it s not great to odor it.
4
SPEAKER_01
I mean, yikes.
4
SPEAKER_00
Do you believe deodorant s self-cleaning?
4
SPEAKER_00
I think deodorant is worse than a razor.
4
SPEAKER_00
I would rather someone use my razor.
4
SPEAKER_01
Blood?
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
No.
4
SPEAKER_01
No, absolutely not.
4
SPEAKER_01
Pits?
4
SPEAKER_00
I know.
4
SPEAKER_01
Well, first of all, it s all disgusting to me.
4
SPEAKER_01
I don t even believe in, like, if it s a bar of soap, the old friends debate, like, is it self-cleaning?
4
SPEAKER_01
Not really.
4
SPEAKER_01
If it s a body wash, sure.
4
SPEAKER_01
I am not for sharing any of this stuff ever.
4
SPEAKER_01
I wouldn t mind.
4
SPEAKER_01
I know you wouldn t.
4
SPEAKER_01
That s why.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s good we re talking about this.
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, I would not assume that you would be fine with me.
4
SPEAKER_00
If I were to go in your shower, I think it s a case by case.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s not really about what you re comfortable with.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s about predicting what your friend is comfortable with.
4
SPEAKER_00
You re right.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I would be comfortable, and I wouldn t mind, but I would be like Monica would.
4
SPEAKER_00
Even if I were about to hook up, if I was in the situation, I still wouldn t feel right doing it because I know it would bother you.
4
SPEAKER_01
Now, actually, depending— Oh, no.
4
SPEAKER_01
What part?
4
SPEAKER_01
Depending on the person.
4
SPEAKER_01
I mean, it s not just like— Also, I don t think that s that crazy to say.
4
SPEAKER_01
Because it depends on how close I am with the person.
4
SPEAKER_01
If Callie wants to use my deodorant, I m not gonna think twice about that.
4
SPEAKER_01
And if she wants to use my razor, I wouldn t.
4
SPEAKER_01
But then I did— Like, there are some people that I just flashed in my head that I wouldn t want that.
4
SPEAKER_00
Okay, take us through the— Word for word.
4
SPEAKER_00
No, take us through the— What is the thinking behind it?
4
SPEAKER_00
Like, you think of their face and what happens?
4
SPEAKER_01
I just am like, uh… You don t trust them?
4
SPEAKER_01
It s like, do I want their blood in my blood?
4
SPEAKER_01
That s how you have to think about it with the razor.
4
SPEAKER_01
Because you have to assume— It s not a syringe.
4
SPEAKER_01
Okay, she had a cut, which meant blood was— For real, blood was drawn.
4
SPEAKER_01
And that was blood was drawn.
4
SPEAKER_01
And that means a little bit got into the razor.
4
SPEAKER_01
And then that razor is now going to be used on your body.
4
SPEAKER_01
But you re wiping it.
4
SPEAKER_01
But blood.
4
SPEAKER_01
I mean, that s that blood is a high.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, OK.
4
SPEAKER_01
For me, it s like high on the Maslow s hierarchy of needs.
4
SPEAKER_01
I have to be so intimate to be around someone s blood.
4
SPEAKER_00
Throw up or blood?
4
SPEAKER_00
What s higher?
4
SPEAKER_00
Where is it on the muscles?
4
SPEAKER_01
I d rather not be around throw-up at all, unless it s a hot guy like Ben or Matt.
4
SPEAKER_00
Okay, if Matt Damon throws up on you, would it be positive or neutral?
4
SPEAKER_01
Liz, you don t know this.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, I can t keep talking about this.
4
SPEAKER_01
I feel like we talk about it too much.
4
SPEAKER_00
But yeah, I have a— Oh, no, I know this!
4
SPEAKER_00
About the being— Oh, taking care of him.
4
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_00
But that would— Him throwing up on you would fall in that category?
4
SPEAKER_01
Well, yeah, because sometimes the fantasy would get sexual.
4
SPEAKER_01
And then there were fluids involved.
4
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
4
SPEAKER_01
I mean, it wasn t like— Yeah, I don t want to get into it.
4
SPEAKER_01
And if there s blood, that s also a positive.
4
SPEAKER_01
The blood isn t positive in the way that the sickness is.
4
SPEAKER_01
Getting injured isn t the same as the sick.
4
SPEAKER_01
If I m in love with them or like I have a fantasy life about them, the blood is okay.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s just not a turn on.
4
SPEAKER_01
Blood is much more serious.
4
SPEAKER_01
If he s got an open wound, that s not gonna be sexy.
4
SPEAKER_00
I feel like that is sexy, though.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m not a blood person.
4
SPEAKER_00
Are you a vampire?
4
SPEAKER_00
I m not, but if I were to choose between picking up their throw up or if they have a gash and a wound, that s hotter.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it s fine if they re hot, I guess.
4
SPEAKER_01
Okay, I m kidding, I m kidding.
4
SPEAKER_01
But back to this
5
SPEAKER_01
First of all, I don t think she s crazy.
5
SPEAKER_01
I think this is a split vote.
5
SPEAKER_01
Half the people in the world are like totally fine with sharing all of these intimate products and half are not.
5
SPEAKER_01
And so you re not crazy at all.
5
SPEAKER_01
And I think you re right.
5
SPEAKER_00
I wish the friend I would have asked, is it OK if I shave my legs?
5
SPEAKER_00
Or afterwards, I would have been like, I would have either tried to hide it.
5
SPEAKER_00
Oh, Liz.
5
SPEAKER_00
I know.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m like, see, that s not trustworthy.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s not hurting anyone.
5
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I guess it is in your case, but I feel like what s the harm?
5
SPEAKER_01
Oh, God.
5
SPEAKER_01
This is so existential.
5
SPEAKER_01
What s the harm?
5
SPEAKER_01
Because what s the harm can be said about a lot of things that you would find harmful.
5
SPEAKER_01
But it s like if that person doesn t know.
5
SPEAKER_01
Oh, OK.
5
SPEAKER_00
If I know that they don t want me to use their razor and I use it anyways, that s harm.
5
SPEAKER_00
But if I don t know.
5
SPEAKER_00
You wouldn t cover it up unless you knew that.
5
SPEAKER_00
In the ideal scenario, I ask first, but what if I m already in the shower?
5
SPEAKER_00
I m lathered, I m in the— Like, I can t walk out and ask, and then it s weird.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m just like, I really need to shave my legs.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like, I m just gonna do it.
5
SPEAKER_00
Ugh.
5
SPEAKER_01
I would say, if I was in the shower and I really had to shave my legs, and I did it, I would then come out and be like, hey, I had to shave my legs.
5
SPEAKER_01
Do you have another cartridge?
5
SPEAKER_01
Because I m sure that grosses you out.
5
SPEAKER_01
Bug of it.
5
SPEAKER_01
Bug of it.
5
SPEAKER_01
What kind?
5
SPEAKER_01
Blair.
5
SPEAKER_01
It s like a fruit fly.
5
SPEAKER_01
I hate fruit flies.
5
SPEAKER_00
I feel like they follow you.
5
SPEAKER_00
Fruit flies?
5
SPEAKER_00
It s the same bug as the coffee shop.
5
SPEAKER_00
I don t even eat fruit.
5
SPEAKER_01
It is with those gross wings.
5
SPEAKER_01
Oh my god.
5
SPEAKER_01
Where is she?
5
SPEAKER_01
We went to a coffee shop and there was a horrible bug event.
5
SPEAKER_01
We have a video.
5
SPEAKER_01
That s perfect.
5
SPEAKER_00
Oh my god.
5
SPEAKER_01
Oh, the bug came to make it sink.
5
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
5
SPEAKER_01
Listen, I would probably say, do you have another cartridge?
5
SPEAKER_00
Because that probably grosses you out and I ll buy you a new one tomorrow.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
5
SPEAKER_00
And then if they say, oh my God, no, that kind of gives also the opportunity for them to be like, it s not a big deal.
5
SPEAKER_01
Also, a lot of this, I guess, is just theoretical and about conscientiousness.
5
SPEAKER_01
Because if someone came out and was like, my legs were so nasty and I m so sorry I used your razor.
5
SPEAKER_01
Do you have an extra?
5
SPEAKER_01
If that grosses you out and I ll buy you a new one.
5
SPEAKER_01
I d be like, no, it s fine.
5
SPEAKER_01
Oh.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
It s more about the, like, idea that it s just fine to use this intimate thing.
5
SPEAKER_01
I agree.
5
SPEAKER_01
You can t just do it.
5
SPEAKER_01
Or you can if you know you guys are in that place.
5
SPEAKER_01
Would you share a toothbrush with a boyfriend?
5
SPEAKER_01
I have.
5
SPEAKER_01
Even, like, hookups.
5
SPEAKER_01
What?!
5
SPEAKER_01
Because you don t have your toothbrush.
5
SPEAKER_00
I don t have my toothbrush.
5
SPEAKER_00
Oh, you re saying before you make out, you would?
5
SPEAKER_00
No, we ve already made out.
5
SPEAKER_00
And so what s the difference?
5
SPEAKER_01
I there s a big difference.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
Cleaning my teeth.
5
SPEAKER_00
Morning breath.
5
SPEAKER_01
Toothbrush is now in your mouth.
5
SPEAKER_01
But we ve just like had like our tonsils into each other.
5
SPEAKER_01
I know.
5
SPEAKER_01
But that s not morning breath make out.
5
SPEAKER_01
You re getting food out between those molars with your tongue.
5
SPEAKER_00
My God, you guys are so like looking at me like I ve done.
5
SPEAKER_00
So, again, this is split vote.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m so toxic that I read it as like, we re so close.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I was like, I loved it.
5
SPEAKER_01
After a hookup, you re the one that brushed your teeth with their toothbrush and you said, oh my god, we re so close?
5
SPEAKER_01
In my head, not out loud.
5
SPEAKER_01
But that doesn t make sense.
5
SPEAKER_01
If he used the toothbrush, then I could see being like, oh my god, we re so close.
5
SPEAKER_01
He offered.
5
SPEAKER_01
And so he s like— Oh, he offered.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yes, he s like, use my— And I was like, I got a brush on my finger.
5
SPEAKER_01
Oh my God.
5
SPEAKER_01
This is a ding ding ding to this morning I made my bed for like the first time in six years.
5
SPEAKER_01
I hate making my bed.
5
SPEAKER_01
I never make it.
5
SPEAKER_01
And then I thought, this is a thing.
5
SPEAKER_01
It s a split vote.
5
SPEAKER_00
I make my bed.
5
SPEAKER_00
You do?
5
SPEAKER_00
It s like weird.
5
SPEAKER_00
I would expect it to be reversed.
5
SPEAKER_00
Me too.
5
SPEAKER_00
This is odd.
5
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
5
SPEAKER_00
This morning I actually was like gonna do it and then I was like no I m gonna clean my sheets.
5
SPEAKER_00
So it s the only reason it s not me but it s bothering me.
5
SPEAKER_00
But my sheets are being cleaned like I literally couldn t make it.
5
SPEAKER_00
But I have to.
5
SPEAKER_01
This is in the category of there are two types of people in this world.
5
SPEAKER_01
People who make their bed, people who don t.
5
SPEAKER_01
People who use their hookups toothbrush, people who don t.
5
SPEAKER_01
People who borrow the razor, people who don t.
5
SPEAKER_01
This is a way to sort out the world.
5
SPEAKER_01
Like if I run for office, my platform is going to be about this.
5
SPEAKER_01
I m going to repolarize the country into things like this.
5
SPEAKER_00
I support it.
5
SPEAKER_00
We need a new thing to be divided on.
5
SPEAKER_00
I agree.
5
SPEAKER_00
You know, and I would love to be divided on this.
5
SPEAKER_00
Bedmaking, toothbrushes, razors.
5
SPEAKER_00
We can all relate.
5
SPEAKER_00
What happens if you don t make your bed, like in your head?
5
SPEAKER_01
Is it superstitious or is it like you want the day started nice?
5
SPEAKER_00
What is it about?
5
SPEAKER_00
I think it s like things are out of control.
5
SPEAKER_00
I never want to do it.
5
SPEAKER_00
Every time I m like, got in my bed, even if I m late.
5
SPEAKER_00
If I were to walk into my room and my bed is not made, I would feel like my life is spinning out of control.
5
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
5
SPEAKER_01
OK, let s say you had 30 seconds only and like the house was going to burn on fire in 30 seconds.
5
SPEAKER_01
So you really only have 30 seconds.
5
SPEAKER_01
You can t push it.
5
SPEAKER_01
Would you make your bed or would you brush your teeth?
5
SPEAKER_00
If my house is on fire?
5
SPEAKER_00
Okay, that part makes it confusing.
5
SPEAKER_00
What s the point of the bed being made if it s going to burn down?
5
SPEAKER_01
Okay, forget that part.
5
SPEAKER_01
You have 30 seconds.
5
SPEAKER_01
You have to go to a meeting and it s really important.
5
SPEAKER_01
It s with Anna Wintour.
5
SPEAKER_01
If you re late, like, dead.
5
SPEAKER_01
She s going to invite you to the Met Ball if you re on time.
5
SPEAKER_01
Stakes are high for you to be exactly on time.
5
SPEAKER_01
You cannot be late.
5
SPEAKER_01
You have 30 seconds.
5
SPEAKER_01
Are you going to brush your teeth or are you going to make your bed?
5
SPEAKER_00
for sure brush my teeth.
5
SPEAKER_00
I ll be annoyed and thinking about the bed.
5
SPEAKER_00
As soon as I get back, I m going to make it.
5
SPEAKER_00
Well, the house will have burned.
5
SPEAKER_00
Right.
5
SPEAKER_00
Which, who cares?
5
SPEAKER_00
Wait, what would you do?
5
SPEAKER_00
I never make my bed.
5
SPEAKER_00
Did you make it as a kid?
5
SPEAKER_00
Were you forced to do it?
5
SPEAKER_00
No.
5
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I was so forced.
5
SPEAKER_00
But I wouldn t do it.
5
SPEAKER_00
My mom would yell at me like consistently for not doing it.
5
SPEAKER_00
And then weirdly, she s not there anymore.
5
SPEAKER_00
Now it s like the policeman is in my head.
5
SPEAKER_01
Well, you know that stupid rhyme, messy bed, messy head?
5
SPEAKER_01
I never heard of it, but that s what it feels like.
5
SPEAKER_01
That s funny.
5
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
5
SPEAKER_01
What do you do?
5
SPEAKER_01
I wake up before Natalie every day.
5
SPEAKER_01
So I, my side s made.
5
SPEAKER_01
You make half the bed?
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
You mean, okay, you get up, she s still in bed, and you re like, smoothing out the side of the sheet and like, folding it, and she s still half in there.
5
SPEAKER_01
Oh my god.
5
SPEAKER_01
I would feel so weird, I think, if I woke up.
5
SPEAKER_01
I mean, I m not like, ironing it.
5
SPEAKER_01
It s more...
5
SPEAKER_01
This was pristine, and I m, like, still in, like, kicking around.
5
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
5
SPEAKER_00
I mean, it s kind of thoughtful.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s polite.
5
SPEAKER_00
Also, women need an hour more.
5
SPEAKER_00
Once you said that, I ve been really taking it to heart.
5
SPEAKER_00
Have you been doing 12, 13s?
5
SPEAKER_00
I m trying to go 13.
5
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I love it.
5
SPEAKER_00
But I felt bad when I was in a relationship.
5
SPEAKER_00
He would always be up earlier.
5
SPEAKER_00
45 minutes.
5
SPEAKER_00
It was always, like, almost an hour.
5
SPEAKER_00
And then I would always be making the bed, which is fine, because I was always the last one out.
5
SPEAKER_01
Now, does she like a maid bed?
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
So she makes her side.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
5
SPEAKER_01
I guess like if I m in a relationship and my boyfriend loves a maid bed, we re going to be in a half and half sitch.
5
SPEAKER_00
Oh.
5
SPEAKER_01
His side is going to be maid and mine s going to be all crumpled.
5
SPEAKER_01
We re gonna leave it like that.
5
SPEAKER_00
I think that you, if you end up dating someone who loves clean, like, he ll just make the bed all the time.
5
SPEAKER_00
That s his job.
5
SPEAKER_00
Right.
5
SPEAKER_01
Well, this is one of those things because, oh, this gets into a much bigger question about roles.
5
SPEAKER_01
Because
5
SPEAKER_01
I would feel like if you care about that, then you can make it because I don t give a fuck.
5
SPEAKER_01
We can leave it messy.
5
SPEAKER_01
And he ll be like, no, but it s important to me.
5
SPEAKER_01
So it should be important to you.
5
SPEAKER_01
Just like the dishes.
5
SPEAKER_01
Dishes is not a good example because I m also bad at doing the dishes.
5
SPEAKER_01
If you are, you leave them.
5
SPEAKER_01
Well, I don t have a dishwasher, and so it does make it hard.
5
SPEAKER_01
If I, like, have a ton of dishes, I have to wash them all by hand.
5
SPEAKER_01
It takes forever.
5
SPEAKER_01
Can you go to sleep with dishes in the sink?
5
SPEAKER_01
No.
5
SPEAKER_01
See, this is interesting.
5
SPEAKER_00
I know.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s weird, though, because I would expect everything to be switched.
5
SPEAKER_00
It doesn t make sense.
5
SPEAKER_00
Maybe because I m so messy and all, like, in life.
5
SPEAKER_00
Messy head.
5
SPEAKER_00
Maybe because I have a messy head, I have to do these things
5
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
5
SPEAKER_01
This is like Monica s closet on Friends.
5
SPEAKER_01
Like, I do have a lot of weird stuff like that.
5
SPEAKER_01
Like, my apartment, I can let it become chaotic.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah?
5
SPEAKER_01
And you don t mind?
5
SPEAKER_01
No, I mean, I don t love it, but I m fine with it until it hits a certain level, and then I think, I gotta devote some time to this.
5
SPEAKER_01
It sounds healthy.
5
SPEAKER_01
You sound normal.
5
SPEAKER_01
I don t think it is normal.
5
SPEAKER_01
Part of mine is, if I m gonna do it,
5
SPEAKER_01
I m gonna like really do it.
5
SPEAKER_01
And if I don t have the time for that, like the other day, I like redid the whole closet, Monica s closet.
5
SPEAKER_01
It was a disaster.
5
SPEAKER_01
And I spent like four hours getting rid of a ton of stuff, reorganizing the baskets, doing a whole thing.
5
SPEAKER_01
And
5
SPEAKER_01
I m either doing that or I m letting it get crazy.
5
SPEAKER_01
I relate.
5
SPEAKER_01
Not really.
5
SPEAKER_01
You d clean your dishes at night.
5
SPEAKER_01
I m either like, the kitchen is pristine.
5
SPEAKER_01
Everything s amazing.
5
SPEAKER_01
There s a candle lit or it s like a fucking mess.
5
SPEAKER_00
Right.
5
SPEAKER_00
But I think that s a lot of stuff.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m not the cleanest.
5
SPEAKER_00
You know what it is?
5
SPEAKER_00
Things go astray.
5
SPEAKER_00
There s stuff that s not where it s supposed to be.
5
SPEAKER_00
My closet is not the most organized.
5
SPEAKER_00
That s why the bed has to be or else
6
SPEAKER_01
it starts becoming a mess.
6
SPEAKER_01
Whereas, like, if the bed is made— I see.
6
SPEAKER_01
It s all falling apart.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
6
SPEAKER_01
I have stuff that s, like, on the side of my bed that I just don t know where to put that s just been there for two weeks.
6
SPEAKER_01
Stuff like that, where I m like, okay, I ll hide it.
6
SPEAKER_01
The bed is a way to compensate, actually, for the messiness.
6
SPEAKER_01
Interesting.
6
SPEAKER_02
I love knowing the different buckets out there.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_02
There s so many.
6
SPEAKER_02
There s so many.
6
SPEAKER_02
All to say, to Anonymous, you re not crazy, one.
6
SPEAKER_02
I think it s okay for you to be grossed out.
6
SPEAKER_02
You re on that side of the political spectrum.
6
SPEAKER_02
And it s fine.
6
SPEAKER_02
And also, your friend was not all that conscientious.
6
SPEAKER_01
It s not like this is your roommate and she keeps using your razor.
6
SPEAKER_01
If she comes back and like— What if that happened?
6
SPEAKER_02
You d have to say something.
6
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_02
All you say is like, I know this is just a me thing and it s stupid, but I feel so icky when anyone uses my razor.
6
SPEAKER_01
Do you think that s happened?
6
SPEAKER_01
That s kind of crazy to me.
6
SPEAKER_01
If someone— Roommate?
6
SPEAKER_01
People— Right.
6
SPEAKER_01
Roommate—
6
SPEAKER_01
That s me.
6
SPEAKER_02
I didn t mean that.
6
SPEAKER_02
That just came out.
6
SPEAKER_02
I meant roommates, and then I was switching to people.
6
SPEAKER_02
I love roommate people.
6
SPEAKER_02
I was a roommate person for my whole life.
6
SPEAKER_02
I might become one again.
6
SPEAKER_02
I don t know.
6
SPEAKER_02
Roommate people, it runs the gambit.
6
SPEAKER_02
Like David s working friend whose roommate killed that person.
6
SPEAKER_02
Like, you sometimes don t know what you re getting.
6
SPEAKER_01
If you have a stranger roommate and they are using your razor.
6
SPEAKER_01
Oh my god.
6
SPEAKER_01
I think that s like a weird power thing.
6
SPEAKER_01
It is.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_01
I had a roommate in my 20s that would have extremely loud sex.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I felt was on purpose.
6
SPEAKER_01
And he would also move things.
6
SPEAKER_01
Like I would come back.
6
SPEAKER_01
I know.
6
SPEAKER_01
Which honestly could be hurting.
6
SPEAKER_01
No, no, it was pleasure.
6
SPEAKER_01
He was having fun.
6
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
6
SPEAKER_01
Based on what I was hearing.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, but men also don t, they re like not conscientious.
6
SPEAKER_01
It s true.
6
SPEAKER_01
But he ended up hating me because we shared a wall and he would do that.
6
SPEAKER_01
There were four of us at the time, but I d come back and like he had moved all the furniture around.
6
SPEAKER_01
I just thought this would be good and I was like, oh my god, why are you changing things?
6
SPEAKER_01
Like without asking people.
6
SPEAKER_01
And then the final nail in the coffin was I was reading Bossy Pants at the time because it had just come out.
6
SPEAKER_01
And he did a roommate meeting where he was like, I feel like Liz is reading Bossy Pants because she s bossy.
6
SPEAKER_01
What?
6
SPEAKER_01
He, like, used bossy pants against me.
6
SPEAKER_01
Oh, this person is dumb.
6
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
6
SPEAKER_02
You re bossy, even though he s the one moving the furniture around?
6
SPEAKER_01
Yes, exactly.
6
SPEAKER_01
There was definitely, like, a beef, and I didn t know why, but he ended up leaving.
6
SPEAKER_01
Where does the phrase, a beef, come from?
6
SPEAKER_02
That s a good question.
6
SPEAKER_02
Can we look that up?
6
SPEAKER_02
What does it mean, beef?
6
SPEAKER_02
I mean, we know it means an issue or fight.
6
SPEAKER_01
I mean, like, all good words.
6
SPEAKER_01
What s the origin?
6
SPEAKER_01
It s probably Black Twitter.
6
SPEAKER_01
Black Twitter?
6
SPEAKER_01
All great expressions come from
6
SPEAKER_01
— But why is it called Black Twitter?
6
SPEAKER_01
— Black Twitter, in the last, I would say, like, 15 years, where a lot of, like, on fleek, all of these terms started on Black Twitter.
6
SPEAKER_01
— On Twitter?
6
SPEAKER_01
— Literally on Black Twitter, yeah.
6
SPEAKER_02
— But wait, you keep saying Black Twitter as if that s a separate thing than Twitter.
6
SPEAKER_01
— It is.
6
SPEAKER_01
It s like a part of Twitter.
6
SPEAKER_01
There s, like, even a show about it now.
6
SPEAKER_01
Black Twitter is like a part of Twitter that maybe if you re really cool, you can get access to it if you re white, but like— Yeah, like— And it s secret access?
6
SPEAKER_01
It s not secret, but it s more like if you know, you know.
6
SPEAKER_01
Well, obviously I didn t know.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_01
IDK.
6
SPEAKER_02
IDK Okay, what d you find?
6
SPEAKER_00
There s an old London rhyming slang They used to cry hot beef rhymes with stop thief to raise an alarm in a touch-and-go situation Beef came to be equated with to shout and evolved from there, huh?
6
SPEAKER_02
Wow.
6
SPEAKER_02
Interesting.
6
SPEAKER_02
That was unexpected.
6
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
6
SPEAKER_02
Well, that s it.
6
SPEAKER_02
I mean, it s not.
6
SPEAKER_02
It s not.
6
SPEAKER_02
There s a lot.
6
SPEAKER_02
Ooh, vows for a visa.
6
SPEAKER_02
That s coming up.
6
SPEAKER_02
A visa?
6
SPEAKER_02
Vows for a visa, question mark.
6
SPEAKER_02
What s a visa?
6
SPEAKER_02
Get married for a visa.
6
SPEAKER_02
A visa.
6
SPEAKER_02
A visa.
6
SPEAKER_02
Oh, got it.
6
SPEAKER_02
Oh, did you think it was A-V-I?
6
SPEAKER_02
You thought it was one word?
6
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I m like, who s Ibiza?
6
SPEAKER_02
Oh, like Ibiza.
6
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
6
SPEAKER_02
Anyway, we have fun stuff coming up.
6
SPEAKER_02
This was fun.
6
SPEAKER_02
If anyone wants to put in the comments other buckets, like other polarizations, like you re either this person or that person, feel free to contribute.
6
SPEAKER_02
And we ll see you next week.
6
SPEAKER_02
Bye.
6
SPEAKER_02
Bye.