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Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.
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This is a dicey prompt.
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Tell us about a time you cheated.
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Oh my lord.
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It s not what you think.
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It s not what we thought it was gonna be.
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I thought it was gonna be a bunch of affairs of the heart.
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Yes, but we did make clear, don t make it just affairs of the heart.
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We want a wide range.
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Open it up, open it up.
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There s nothing gross in this one.
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I think you can eat through all of it.
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I think so.
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Boy, we just don t know.
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80% positive you can eat.
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Pretty sure.
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Risk it.
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Prepare a meal and enjoy Cheated.
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♪ Hard times come and go ♪ ♪ Good times take them slow ♪ ♪ My life I had them both ♪ ♪ But one thing you gotta know ♪ ♪ I ma keep on shining ♪
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I have a really important PSA for the armchair-ies.
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Before we jump into this.
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Love PSAs.
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This is real.
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This is serious.
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Oh, wow.
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OK.
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I can never tell from this thing.
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Well, it is relevant to Armchair Anonymous.
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OK, so my friend Britt, you ve met her.
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She s wonderful.
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Britt Dehan.
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Love her.
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She texted me today that multiple people sent her the scams episode of Armchair Anonymous because a couple of days ago, her and her boyfriend were going to Mexico.
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And someone called her parents.
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and said, we have your daughter, we ve kidnapped her in Mexico.
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And they used AI to make her voice.
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Oh my Lord.
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For real?
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Yeah.
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Does this happen to Brit?
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Yes.
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And the mom was like, it was your voice.
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Oh my goodness.
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Isn t that horrifying?
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So yeah, you know what s crazy?
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People are just going to have to assume that no one s ever been kidnapped.
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You can t take one serious.
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She was like, now we have a safe word.
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And so then I immediately texted my parents and I said, okay, if this happens to me or any of us, we need a safe word.
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Do you think though that under the stress and pressure of the sitch, you would forget the safe word?
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No, I know it well.
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Tell us your safe word.
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Nope.
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But also she did say, our safe word should be this.
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And I said, we can t write it.
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So we made a new one.
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But you said it on the phone to each other?
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No, it d be like if I said,
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It s gonna be Kristen s middle name.
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Okay, great.
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And then everyone said, okay.
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Kristen.
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Yeah, exactly.
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No, Annie.
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I know, I know, I know.
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Well, Anne.
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It s not Anne.
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Andrea.
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That s not the safe word.
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Honestly, tell your families about this, because this is bad.
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Also, just hang up and call your child and see if they answer and they re safe.
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Well, they were flying.
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Oh, they were flying.
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Well, how do you get kidnapped when you re flying?
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Well, they didn t know about the full itinerary.
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A lot of tips here.
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Share your full itinerary.
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Keep an open line of communication at all times.
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Tethered.
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Live stream your entire lives.
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I mean, I d like to look up the numbers of kidnapping.
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Honestly, they got to be way lower than getting hit by lightning.
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And they happen on TV, obviously.
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A lot.
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A lot of the shows I watch, there s kidnapping.
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All right.
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Okay.
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Well, we can get into this.
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I just wanted to tell people that.
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Hello.
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Hello.
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You have an Afghan behind you.
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I actually just finished crocheting this recently.
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Do we still call those Afghans?
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That s what my mother called those growing up.
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I think so.
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I think it s a tapestry or a blanket.
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It s a blanket.
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But it s nice and
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thick.
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The rows are really thick and curvy.
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Yeah.
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It was a pandemic hobby.
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I did a whole blanket.
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I hated it.
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So then I took the whole thing apart and made a new ball and then I just finished this a few days ago.
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So I had to show you guys.
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Holly, that s a specific personality type.
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I m impressed.
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That s a perfectionist.
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If you would unravel the whole thing.
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Yeah.
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So for the listener, this is a very good size blanket behind you.
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How long did it take you to do that?
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This iteration, two winters.
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Because it is a strictly winter hobby for me.
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Oh, OK.
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Where are you, Holly?
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Do you want to guess?
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It s so hard because all we have is a blanket.
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Summer cold.
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Midwest.
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We ll start there.
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Boston.
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Oh, OK.
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Summer cold.
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East Coast.
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It s summer cold.
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You re right.
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OK, so you have a story about a time you cheated.
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Yes.
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I m curious what form of cheating you guys are going to hear.
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Us too, because we don t know.
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Emma knows.
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Emma reads them all.
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Emma knows.
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Yeah.
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So it s always a surprise for us.
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I ll preface my story by saying I was a shy kid growing up.
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I had the best family you could ever ask for.
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And I was a good student.
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So there s no explanation for this behavior.
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Okay.
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I was in fifth grade and I went through this phase of bringing hot pockets into school and I had permission from my teacher to stay back while she brought the students down to lunch and I would warm up the hot pocket behind her desk and then go down to the cafeteria.
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Wow.
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You were a teacher s pet.
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Yeah.
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Very special privileges.
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Definitely.
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Did you have a favorite hot pocket?
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I m just curious.
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The ham and cheese.
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Classic.
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That s a classic.
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The steak and cheese though was dynamite.
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I liked the pizza ones.
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I don t think I had steak and cheese.
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It s hearty.
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I honestly don t think I ve had a hot pocket since then.
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I could get into a hot pocket.
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Oh yeah.
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So we were given a math test one day and it wasn t standardized testing, but it was a statewide test and they made it clear it wasn t going toward our final grade.
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They were just trying to gauge knowledge across the state.
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So I took this test.
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I am not a math whiz.
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It was a math test and I did not do well.
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I knew that.
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So later that day when I was warming up my hot pocket, I just was inspired to go through my teacher s desk.
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Hey.
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It s always the people closest to you that betray you.
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Exactly.
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And I found the answer key and my test and I got a pencil and I erased all of my very wrong answers.
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And I left one wrong though because I m an evil genius and I was like, this way I won t get caught.
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How old were you again?
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Fifth grade, so 11.
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Like I said, I d never done anything like this before.
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And Holly, about roughly how many questions were on the test?
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I think like 30, and it was all multiple choice.
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So one wrong is still pretty crazy.
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You should have done probably three wrong.
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You could have done three wrong and still been in the 90% A range.
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But it doesn t matter.
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It didn t matter.
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Right.
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Well, we re going to find out.
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I bet maybe it did.
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Oh, well, I meant it wouldn t have mattered for her grade.
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It was a weird time to cheat.
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Exactly.
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I just kind of went on with my life.
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A few weeks later, my best friend Lizzie overheard teachers talking and saying, Holly got the best score in the whole grade.
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Oh, she s going to get an award at the fifth grade graduation.
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No.
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Oh, no.
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Yeah.
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She quickly reported this to me.
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And you had told her you cheated?
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Nope.
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Okay, great, good.
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No, of course not.
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So I just started to panic and I was and still am a very anxious child.
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So just internalizing this fear.
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Fast forward to the graduation, we sang a horrible rendition of Because You Loved Me and brought flowers down to our families.
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And the principal explains the math test and said the student who got the highest score not only did the best in the grade, but did the best in the state.
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No!
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This is, oh my God, I m like feeling sweaty.
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This is the perfect punishment for cheating.
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Yes.
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Like you think it would be to reprimand somebody, but everyone just celebrate you and you re searing inside.
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Oh my God, and think about the second best.
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I know.
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That s so sad.
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And they probably got like 14 wrong.
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Like she thought, oh yeah, I ll get 10% wrong.
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She got one wrong.
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Yeah, yeah.
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It s funny, I was talking to my mom last night and she was like, yeah, I wasn t listening to that part because I just figured some brainiac was going to win this award.
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And then I heard your name and I was shocked.
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Oh, my God.
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She was right.
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This is really scary, though, because as soon as you open this door to being a math genius when you re not even good at math, then it s like, oh, you should test to see if you can get into Mensa.
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Or you should be on the pre-calc trajectory.
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Exactly.
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You should be taking trig and pre-calc at the same time in 10th grade.
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Oh my God.
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Or what if they were like, we need to redo this test.
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Yeah, we need you to do it live.
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Yeah, in front of everyone.
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All right.
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SPEAKER_02
Well, what happened?
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SPEAKER_02
So they called your name.
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I remember walking down the bleachers, but I don t remember receiving the award.
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My family was so thrilled and excited for me.
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So I was like, I m going to die with this secret.
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But I was like, it s fifth grade.
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Nobody cares.
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But.
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In case you didn t know, after fifth grade, there s more math to take after that.
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Sure.
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SPEAKER_01
Sure.
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Quite a lot.
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Another seven years of it, as I recall.
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So every year I would not be doing well in math and my parents would be like, what?
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You won the math award.
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I don t understand.
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Best mathematician in the state.
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What a fall from grace.
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SPEAKER_02
Exactly.
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The narrative I came up with, I was like, it was multiple choice.
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I got lucky.
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I don t know what to tell you.
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Eventually, I don t know why, finally in high school, I told my best friend Lizzie, who is the one who overheard I was gonna win, and she was shocked.
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And then I told some more friends once I got to college, and they thought it was so funny.
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And they were like, you re clearly still harboring this anxiety.
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Your parents are fantastic.
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Just tell them.
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Yes, yes, yes.
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That summer, we were vacationing in Nantucket at my mom s boss s beautiful summer home.
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And it was my parents, my grandparents, my sister and brother-in-law, Lizzie and me all around the dinner table.
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And I unleashed the full story.
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And everyone was just crying, laughing.
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My grandma told me she had never been more proud of me than finding this out.
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She s a notorious cheater.
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Proud of you for cheating, not for being honest about cheating.
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cheating.
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Now it s the joke with the family that whenever my math skills are brought up, they re just like, but you won that math award.
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That s my story.
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What s interesting is it could have been a weird, self-fulfilling prophecy where you were so neurotic about getting found out that you ended up working six times as hard to maintain this lie and became a good mathematician.
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That could also happen.
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Did you find yourself working harder at it?
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Or you just, you knew like, I m never going to be able to maintain this.
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I knew my brain didn t work that way, but I worked hard and would stay after school because I was like, I just don t get this.
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So that also added to the chaos.
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SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
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What if you would have faked a head injury?
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Like you came home from school and you re like, Oh my God, I fell and hit my head on a rock mom.
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I hope nothing s broken permanently to justify why she sucked at math again.
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All of a sudden that s how lies build.
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It is.
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And then they go to, you go to the doctor.
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SPEAKER_03
She takes you to the doctor and you have to like make up the whole scenario of how you fell.
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SPEAKER_03
And Lizzie accidentally tripped you.
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SPEAKER_02
Liz!
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Yep.
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Wow.
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SPEAKER_03
Oh man.
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What a story.
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I liked that.
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That s really cute, Holly.
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It is cute.
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I like when good girls are naughty for no reason.
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Of course you do.
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SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
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Like so unpredictable.
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It s not for no reason.
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It s cause you want it to be perfect.
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Again, like your Afghan blanket.
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It all comes back to the blanket.
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That s right.
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It does.
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What a delight meeting you, Holly.
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You too.
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And I just quickly need to say how much the podcast means to me.
1
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I ve been an avid listener since day one.
1
SPEAKER_02
You guys have taught me how to be introspective and curious, and I just love and appreciate you both so much and Wabi Wab if he s there.
1
SPEAKER_02
He s here.
1
SPEAKER_01
He sure is.
1
SPEAKER_01
He s currently really frustrated he can t get our coffee maker to work.
1
SPEAKER_01
Like the look of consternation on his face is similar to right before you unraveled your afghan.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, that was a long process.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, we appreciate that so much.
1
SPEAKER_01
We re so glad you ve been listening the whole ride.
1
SPEAKER_01
I hope you ll stick with us for another jaunt.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m not going anywhere.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_01
Wonderful.
1
SPEAKER_01
We ll be well and very nice meeting you, Holly.
1
SPEAKER_02
Thank you.
1
SPEAKER_02
Bye bye.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s so weird that I wave, now you don t wave.
1
SPEAKER_03
I know, you took my thing.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, you wanna do your own thing.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, some things are just mine and mine only.
1
SPEAKER_01
I know, you re cool, you re a trendsetter.
1
SPEAKER_00
You should curtsy or something.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh!
1
SPEAKER_03
Or fart.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh!
1
SPEAKER_01
Bye!
1
SPEAKER_01
That s how Monica says goodbye, it s proprietary to her, don t do it or she ll have to change.
1
SPEAKER_03
Please don t do it, she ll stop.
1
SPEAKER_03
We re on malaria pills.
1
SPEAKER_03
Did you take yours?
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, I took it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Hello.
1
SPEAKER_00
Hi there.
1
SPEAKER_00
What fake name do we like for you?
1
SPEAKER_00
I thought it d be fun to have you guys pick any sort of generic white guy name.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, but you re not just a generic white guy because you got spiky hair and some tattoos.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m going to call you Justin.
1
SPEAKER_03
I like that.
1
SPEAKER_01
I think that fits.
1
SPEAKER_01
How do you feel about that name?
1
SPEAKER_01
Every Justin I ever met was super cool.
1
SPEAKER_00
Then I m going to embrace it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Call me Justin.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_01
Justin, I m encouraged by the fact that you don t want your real name used because I hope it means your cheese is juicy.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, unfortunately a little bit.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_03
All right.
1
SPEAKER_01
Where are you?
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, nope.
1
SPEAKER_01
Sorry, we re both on malaria pills, so we re a little out of sorts.
1
SPEAKER_00
I was going to ask, have you taken your upcoming trip to India yet?
1
SPEAKER_00
That s tomorrow morning, but this one here, right?
1
SPEAKER_03
We ll be back.
1
SPEAKER_01
We don t want anyone to know while we re gone.
1
SPEAKER_01
Cause I don t want to murder my family, but yes, we leave tomorrow morning.
1
SPEAKER_01
And so we started our malaria pills a few hours ago and we re a little nervous that they re making us insane, but I think we re doing okay.
1
SPEAKER_03
The background is nuts.
1
SPEAKER_03
And for a second, I thought maybe it was just me going crazy, but I think you have done something cool.
1
SPEAKER_00
So funny enough, I actually have my child s play tent perched above me.
1
SPEAKER_00
I don t have a walk-in closet and I m trying to, you know, play by the rules as well as possible.
1
SPEAKER_03
I appreciate it.
1
SPEAKER_00
My background is blurred because it looked ridiculous, I thought.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay, so launch into how you cheated.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay, a little bit of backstory here.
1
SPEAKER_00
I was in my senior year of undergrad to be a teacher.
1
SPEAKER_00
This is back in the 2010-2011 school year, and I was doing my student teaching.
1
SPEAKER_00
So where I went to college was a city but close by with some more like rural communities that was set up at an elementary school.
1
SPEAKER_00
It was a bit smaller town close by to do my student teaching there.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m this 21 year old kid kind of in a weird.
1
SPEAKER_00
hot in life in general.
1
SPEAKER_01
Can I just say, Justin, that s too early to go like, God, I m already a teacher and I m going to do this the rest of my life.
1
SPEAKER_01
Is that what you re feeling?
1
SPEAKER_00
Exactly.
1
SPEAKER_00
I am living with five other guys in a college house, still very much doing college guy things.
1
SPEAKER_00
But in the daytime, I m in charge of a room full of 10 year olds being this professional adult guy.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s actually a kindergarten through eighth grade building.
1
SPEAKER_00
So it gives you an idea of the size of town.
1
SPEAKER_00
They were in need of another track coach.
1
SPEAKER_00
I was a collegiate athlete myself, not for track and field.
1
SPEAKER_00
You did gymnastics?
1
SPEAKER_01
I was not a gymnast, no.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m looking at your physique, and it looks very gymnast to me, which is a very high compliment.
1
SPEAKER_01
What was your sport?
1
SPEAKER_00
So believe it or not, I was actually a collegiate football player.
1
SPEAKER_00
I was about 40 pounds heavier than what I am right now.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I m going to take the compliment.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
So anyway, I
1
SPEAKER_00
I m like, hey, I can be a middle school track coach.
1
SPEAKER_00
Fast forward a couple weeks into the season, we ve practiced, we now have our first meet.
1
SPEAKER_00
There s not a ton of coaching, it s more babysitting and encouraging.
1
SPEAKER_01
I did junior high track and field, it was the funnest activity of my life.
1
SPEAKER_01
Randy Hammond and I were both high jumpers, we were dating.
1
SPEAKER_01
There s all these other kids you re looking at, me.
1
SPEAKER_00
You loved it so much.
1
SPEAKER_03
I loved it.
1
SPEAKER_00
I decide I m just going to kind of post up by one of the common starting line areas.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so smaller track, smaller bleachers, and then there s just kind of a
1
SPEAKER_00
four foot high chain link fence around the area where a lot of parents are congregating.
1
SPEAKER_00
And as I m scanning, making sure my kids aren t messing around and getting in trouble and stuff, I felt like my eyes kind of made eye contact with a mom.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I just felt like she was looking at me.
1
SPEAKER_00
Young mom?
1
SPEAKER_00
Middle school aged child.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I would guess right at like the 40.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, juicy.
1
SPEAKER_00
Here we go.
1
SPEAKER_00
Very attractive mom.
1
SPEAKER_00
They can be.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
I noticed her and I felt her eyes kept being on me.
1
SPEAKER_00
But I have a girlfriend.
1
SPEAKER_00
I am trying to make a good impression on this town and school.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so just keep doing my thing.
1
SPEAKER_00
Next week, another track meet.
1
SPEAKER_00
Notice the mom there.
1
SPEAKER_00
Again, I noticed the eyes kind of locked on.
1
SPEAKER_03
For the listener, you re extremely handsome.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Really outrageous.
1
SPEAKER_03
This is all making sense.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, this track.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, this track and field.
1
SPEAKER_00
tracks and we ll find out if it fields.
1
SPEAKER_00
Thank you very much for the handsome comment.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s very flattering.
1
SPEAKER_00
But yeah, so a couple weeks goes by and now we re approaching the end of the school year.
1
SPEAKER_00
I finally have a pretty good relationship with one of the other track coaches there.
1
SPEAKER_00
She was a seventh grade teacher at the school.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so again, we re in the same building, we re having lunch together and stuff.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so one day I kind of put out a feeler of like, what s going on here?
1
SPEAKER_00
Am I completely
1
SPEAKER_00
nuts and so I said like hey what s up with we ll just refer to her as track mom I didn t know her name I didn t know her situation or anything and small town everybody knows everything and she just was like oh my gosh she s newly divorced very much on the prowl has kind of gotten a name for herself
1
SPEAKER_00
Got some money in the divorce.
1
SPEAKER_00
She made some enhancements to herself.
1
SPEAKER_03
Bodily enhancements.
1
SPEAKER_00
She got bigger knees.
1
SPEAKER_00
Longer legs.
1
SPEAKER_00
She kind of dished me in.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so I m like, I don t think I m crazy then.
1
SPEAKER_00
I really do feel like she s making eyes at me and on one hand flattered.
1
SPEAKER_00
But again, I ve got a girlfriend.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m not trying to do anything here.
1
SPEAKER_00
We know you had a girlfriend.
1
SPEAKER_01
He has to say that.
1
SPEAKER_01
We know, we know.
1
SPEAKER_03
I mean, this is a cheating story, so that part is important.
1
SPEAKER_00
He doesn t want to get to the part where... Yeah, well, I m here, so I m out with my friends in my college town.
1
SPEAKER_00
Some of the smaller towns, not a lot going on, and so if you re looking to go to the bars and have some fun, typically come to that area.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m with my friends, throwing back beers, having a good time, and in walks Track Mom and a friend.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh boy.
1
SPEAKER_00
I actually didn t even notice it right away.
1
SPEAKER_00
We were at a bar where we were throwing darts, but a couple of my friends actually noticed.
1
SPEAKER_00
They were actually the ones who pointed her out.
1
SPEAKER_00
Again, I mentioned she was attractive.
1
SPEAKER_00
They re like, oh my gosh, look at that mom that walked in.
1
SPEAKER_00
And she started looking over at our group and
1
SPEAKER_00
My friend Matt was like, hey man, she s not looking at our group.
1
SPEAKER_00
She s looking at you.
1
SPEAKER_01
She s been stalking this prey for a whole season.
1
SPEAKER_01
She s finally lurching in the tall grass.
1
SPEAKER_03
She s so excited.
1
SPEAKER_00
She makes her way over to our group with some shots, starts chatting us up.
1
SPEAKER_03
Very motherly, very maternal.
1
SPEAKER_00
Very responsible.
1
SPEAKER_00
And between the ego boost from my friends and the little bit of liquid courage, the night goes on, group disperses a little bit, and I wind up in her vehicle heading home to her house.
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, her and her ex-husband s house?
1
SPEAKER_00
Just her house now, but yes, I would imagine was also the ex-husband s home.
1
SPEAKER_00
I did ask, not until we
1
SPEAKER_00
We re like walking into the home.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I was like, oh my God, your kids aren t home, are they?
1
SPEAKER_00
Right.
1
SPEAKER_00
My students aren t in there.
1
SPEAKER_00
Your daughter that I coach is not sleeping right now, is she?
1
SPEAKER_00
And she said, no, the kids are at their dad s this weekend.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I sit down on the couch and she goes into the kitchen, just kind of around the corner, comes out holding two drinks.
1
SPEAKER_00
And that was all that she had on her body.
1
SPEAKER_00
you re lucky justin wow thirsty yeah there was no other thought in my mind at that point no girlfriend no nothing sure we very much uh
2
SPEAKER_00
uh, enjoyed our time together in a few different rooms.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m not a person who lives with regrets by any means.
2
SPEAKER_00
I think life s full of opportunities.
2
SPEAKER_00
Some of them you learn from and some of them are just really great experiences.
2
SPEAKER_00
And this was one I certainly learned from because as soon as we were finished having our fun, she helped gather my clothes, walked me to the door, shut the door right behind me, said, that s the dream kinda.
2
SPEAKER_00
Were a hookup you re going to regret?
2
SPEAKER_01
Did you want to keep dating her?
2
SPEAKER_00
No, definitely not.
2
SPEAKER_00
Right.
2
SPEAKER_00
But by then, you know, I was certainly completely sober sitting in a driveway of a town that I was teaching in and like really hoping nobody could see me.
2
SPEAKER_00
I did call one of my friends and I do feel bad because I totally lied to him at the time and I said that I went.
2
SPEAKER_00
with full intention to hook up with her and then thought better of it and she got mad and kicked me out.
2
SPEAKER_00
I felt terrible about it.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m not a cheater.
2
SPEAKER_00
That was actually the one and only time in my relationship life that I ve done anything like that.
2
SPEAKER_00
And the guilt really got to me.
2
SPEAKER_00
I actually came clean to my girlfriend at the time.
2
SPEAKER_00
Funny enough, she thought I made it up.
2
SPEAKER_00
That s lucky.
2
SPEAKER_00
We were approaching the end of college.
2
SPEAKER_00
We were already kind of seeing that life moving forward into adulthood didn t involve the both of us.
2
SPEAKER_00
And so she thought I was making it up as a way to just end things.
2
SPEAKER_03
You know, so Justin, it s not a coincidence that this cougar picked you because the kind of innocence, the fact that you hadn t ever cheated, how much you were wrestling with it, I think is exactly what she was looking for.
2
SPEAKER_03
No.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yes, the older woman.
2
SPEAKER_01
Did you have near tattoos then?
2
SPEAKER_03
No, but also that he s got such a sweet kind of moral.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, but he s hot.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
He s hot, but he s like a good boy.
2
SPEAKER_03
Hot.
2
SPEAKER_03
And he s teaching at the school.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m putting it this way.
2
SPEAKER_03
Like if you and I were together in this scenario, she wouldn t have wanted me.
2
SPEAKER_03
She wouldn t know.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m like, yeah, at the third track, me, it would have been like, Hey, what s up?
2
SPEAKER_03
You re staring at me.
2
SPEAKER_03
Let s talk about what s next.
2
SPEAKER_03
She actually wanted the innocent guy.
2
SPEAKER_03
Let s get her on the phone.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
I think it s part of it.
2
SPEAKER_00
I don t think you re wrong.
2
SPEAKER_00
That s one thing that some of my friends used to say in college and stuff that that was why girls would hit on me is because I would just have no clue.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I think they felt very safe with you.
2
SPEAKER_00
That s why the tattoos.
2
SPEAKER_01
Now you re dangerous.
2
SPEAKER_00
Trying to proactively.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I cheated and yeah, I totally learned from the experience and vowed to not do that again.
2
SPEAKER_00
And now yeah, I m very happily married, man.
2
SPEAKER_01
You re in a children s fort.
2
SPEAKER_03
These are tricky.
2
SPEAKER_03
Of course, I have a ton of regret about being unfaithful to certain people.
2
SPEAKER_03
I feel very guilty about it.
2
SPEAKER_03
Also, we were young and I wasn t ever going to be with those people ultimately.
2
SPEAKER_03
And now some of the stories like it s a scale for me.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m glad you have this one experience.
2
SPEAKER_03
What do you think, Monica?
2
SPEAKER_03
Where are you at?
2
SPEAKER_01
I m not sure.
2
SPEAKER_01
No judgment.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m glad it s happened because now you re telling us and it s a good story, but I don t know that I want to say, I m glad you cheated.
2
SPEAKER_01
That feels like a weird thing to endorse for anyone.
2
SPEAKER_01
People make their own decisions and that s fine.
2
SPEAKER_01
I just feel like it s weird for us to like say, yay, you cheated.
2
SPEAKER_03
What I m saying is you get like one trip through life and you re missing some wild, crazy experience because you ve convinced yourself this other thing is whatever.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
But also committing to a person, seeing that through and not hurting people is also a very.
2
SPEAKER_01
It is important.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, it is for sure.
2
SPEAKER_03
But like committing when you re 14 and committing when you re 16, I don t know, maybe I think we all commit a little too early.
2
SPEAKER_00
young in life.
2
SPEAKER_00
I think everything happens for a reason and you know life s full of learning experiences and this is one for me and so after that particular girlfriend and myself broke up parted ways moved on the next woman that I
2
SPEAKER_00
was in a relationship with is my wife.
2
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, wow.
2
SPEAKER_03
Straight in.
2
SPEAKER_03
That was your one opportunity to go home with a 40-year-old mom.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
So it got the girl I wasn t supposed to be with out of the way, like officially.
2
SPEAKER_00
It wasn t necessarily the best way of going about it, but here we are.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I m sitting here talking to the both of you, which is just amazing.
2
SPEAKER_01
Thanks for being honest and telling us.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, I liked it.
2
SPEAKER_03
I liked it a lot.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it was a trip for sure.
2
SPEAKER_00
Well, Justin, it was great meeting you.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_00
Both of you as well.
2
SPEAKER_00
And this is probably something that could give myself away for friends of mine that listen to the show and everything.
2
SPEAKER_00
But when my wife and I got pregnant and we were having a son, I jokingly said it once, I was like, what if we name him Dax?
2
SPEAKER_01
And... No.
2
SPEAKER_00
Your son s name is Dax?
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
No way!
2
SPEAKER_03
Is he a little weirdo like me?
2
SPEAKER_03
Is he living up to the name?
2
SPEAKER_00
He s something.
2
SPEAKER_00
That s for sure.
2
SPEAKER_00
He s totally adorable like you.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m pretty honored and feel not worthy of it because I just said I believe in cheating for the right experience.
2
SPEAKER_00
I wouldn t have Dax as a son.
2
SPEAKER_00
I didn t do what I did.
2
SPEAKER_03
How much can you really regret if you love where you landed?
2
SPEAKER_03
I can feel the judgment.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, it s just towards me, not you.
2
SPEAKER_03
You re clean.
2
SPEAKER_01
There s no judgment towards anyone.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m not going to let codependency make me say like, I think it s so great.
2
SPEAKER_01
Everyone s cheating.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
You know?
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
But I also am, I am glad you
2
SPEAKER_01
did what you did.
2
SPEAKER_03
I hope no one heard my statement as everyone should cheat.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s what I want to make sure.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m saying there s certain examples in your life where you might regret how it made the person feel, but I don t know if you would choose to have not done it again.
2
SPEAKER_01
Do it differently.
2
SPEAKER_01
For sure.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
You re a kid and Scarlett Johansson comes to your town and she wants to go on a date with you.
2
SPEAKER_03
You know, maybe that s what you take that.
2
SPEAKER_01
I guess.
2
SPEAKER_01
I mean, if I m the girlfriend though, it s never,
2
SPEAKER_01
OK to me.
2
SPEAKER_03
Of course.
2
SPEAKER_03
And for me, it s fine.
2
SPEAKER_03
Like, if Matt Damon comes to town, we re dating, and you plow him at the campground, I m like, yeah, you got to take that shot.
2
SPEAKER_03
I can live with that.
2
SPEAKER_01
Everyone s different.
2
SPEAKER_03
All right, well, Jessen, thank you so much and so flattering.
2
SPEAKER_03
I wish you and young Dax and your lovely wife all the best.
2
SPEAKER_00
I appreciate it.
2
SPEAKER_00
Thank you both.
2
SPEAKER_00
All right, take care.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, hello.
2
SPEAKER_02
How are you?
2
SPEAKER_02
Hey, good.
2
SPEAKER_02
How are you guys?
2
SPEAKER_03
Wonderful.
2
SPEAKER_03
Carbondale that has nothing to do with Illinois, does it?
2
SPEAKER_02
It does have something to do with Illinois.
2
SPEAKER_02
I went to school there and worked there for 15 years.
2
SPEAKER_03
So Chris, you cheated.
2
SPEAKER_03
I don t want to stereotype and shame you, but I believe you have a story about cheating.
2
SPEAKER_03
Just like I think when you look at me, you d probably imagine I have a story.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s not like you think.
2
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s what we like.
2
SPEAKER_02
This is a story about cheating in high school.
2
SPEAKER_02
So it was my junior year.
2
SPEAKER_02
I went to high school in Illinois, and we had chemistry class.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I was a good student, but we had a teacher, I ll just call him Mr. P. He was a good guy.
2
SPEAKER_02
We had some kids in the class who decided to play
2
SPEAKER_02
a prank on him.
2
SPEAKER_02
They put signs in his yard that were, you know, Mr. P is gay.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, sure, sure.
2
SPEAKER_02
Homophobic.
2
SPEAKER_02
Standard stuff in the 90s.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, this is 93, 94.
2
SPEAKER_02
Destroyed some lawn ornaments.
2
SPEAKER_02
The next day we came back to school, he said, I want to know who did this to my lawn.
2
SPEAKER_02
He was very upset.
2
SPEAKER_02
Nobody told, but of course I knew
2
SPEAKER_02
Nobody says a word.
2
SPEAKER_02
We re all playing it cool.
2
SPEAKER_02
Later that night, I got with a friend of mine, and I said, we could take advantage of this situation.
2
SPEAKER_02
I said, look, after class tomorrow, we re going to go up to Mr. P and say, look, I know who did this to you, but in exchange for this information,
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh, my God.
2
SPEAKER_02
This is a blackmail conspiracy.
2
SPEAKER_02
I would like a passing grade in this class.
2
SPEAKER_01
No, this is outrageous.
2
SPEAKER_01
Absolutely not.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I swear, without hesitation, he said, yes.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, that s how mad he was.
2
SPEAKER_02
We shook hands.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, my God.
2
SPEAKER_02
And we said it was this guy and it was this guy.
2
SPEAKER_02
And it was way out your friends.
2
SPEAKER_02
I did.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh.
2
SPEAKER_01
You weren t struggling in the class though.
2
SPEAKER_01
You didn t need it.
2
SPEAKER_02
I wasn t struggling, but I didn t want to try either.
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, yeah, I get that.
2
SPEAKER_02
Chemistry sucks.
2
SPEAKER_02
Easier path.
2
SPEAKER_02
He wasn t an asshole teacher.
2
SPEAKER_02
So I wanted to say I felt bad for the guy, but then the more I thought about it, I m like, no, I just wanted to take advantage of the situation.
2
SPEAKER_02
Sure.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s more honest.
2
SPEAKER_02
I appreciate that.
2
SPEAKER_02
I can t remember how much trouble they got into, but they never found out who told on them.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, they did?
2
SPEAKER_02
They protected your anonymity?
2
SPEAKER_02
It was free and clear.
2
SPEAKER_02
I was still friends with the guys.
2
SPEAKER_02
I played sports with them.
2
SPEAKER_02
So for the rest of the semester, we would take tests in the class, me and this other buddy of mine.
2
SPEAKER_02
I would take the tests legitimately, but without really studying.
2
SPEAKER_02
And it would always be like 88%.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh my.
2
SPEAKER_02
And the final came, and again, you got 88%, you gotta be in a class.
2
SPEAKER_03
Everyone s pretty unethical in this story.
2
SPEAKER_01
Exactly.
2
SPEAKER_03
You got some guys who are dickheads, they were unethical, they put these signs up that were homophobic and mean.
2
SPEAKER_03
You got our guy Chris here who double-crossed them, that s unethical.
2
SPEAKER_01
And blackmailed.
2
SPEAKER_01
To me that s the part.
2
SPEAKER_03
It s bold.
2
SPEAKER_03
You gotta tip your hat.
2
SPEAKER_03
And then you got a teacher who s completely unethical.
2
SPEAKER_03
that he wants to punish these people so bad he s so punitive that he will absolutely sell out his morals and give someone an 88 all parties really i don t feel really bad for anybody this is kind of weirdly a victimless
3
SPEAKER_04
victim fold story.
3
SPEAKER_03
And I do take umbrage with the word blackmail.
3
SPEAKER_03
There was no blackmail.
3
SPEAKER_03
It was either you take the deal or I ll just walk and we ll tell you.
3
SPEAKER_01
Well, that s true.
3
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, I guess blackmail would have been if he approached the vandals and said, you guys got to give me something or I ll tell on you.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
But were you worried that if when you brought this up to your teacher that he would say no and you re going to be expelled for extortion?
3
SPEAKER_03
At 16, extortion was not even a word in my vocabulary.
3
SPEAKER_03
Wow.
3
SPEAKER_01
Hadn t got there yet.
3
SPEAKER_03
I didn t think about the consequences.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, this whole prompt is fucked up.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh God.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s fantastic.
3
SPEAKER_01
I love it.
3
SPEAKER_04
Oh, so I guess at the end of the day, you don t regret this is my hunch.
3
SPEAKER_04
I ve gotten over it.
3
SPEAKER_04
How much trouble did the guys get in?
3
SPEAKER_04
I guess that s the part I would feel guilt over.
3
SPEAKER_03
You know, I don t recall.
3
SPEAKER_03
So it could have been too bad, maybe a day or two suspension or something, but they didn t get expelled or anything.
3
SPEAKER_04
The other funny thing is like how a high school criminal justice system works.
3
SPEAKER_04
Their only proof is that one dude and let s remember a shady dude who s brokering a deal.
3
SPEAKER_04
His word, you know, if they just said, no, we absolutely didn t do it.
3
SPEAKER_04
And I don t know who told you that, but that s probably who did it.
3
SPEAKER_04
They would just go like too bad.
3
SPEAKER_04
They must ve copped you at once.
3
SPEAKER_04
They were identified.
3
SPEAKER_03
They didn t keep their mouth shut.
3
SPEAKER_03
They told a handful of people.
3
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
They re bragging a little bit.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, exactly.
3
SPEAKER_03
Like you did.
3
SPEAKER_03
Cause we were all stupid back then.
3
SPEAKER_04
Oh, Chris, I don t know why this tickled me so much.
3
SPEAKER_04
It s just so scumbaggy.
3
SPEAKER_04
I like that of course, because I m scumbaggy.
3
SPEAKER_03
And I m not a scumbag.
3
SPEAKER_03
I m a good guy.
3
SPEAKER_03
I have taken advantage of situations.
3
SPEAKER_02
We all have.
3
SPEAKER_04
Don t you think you can be a good guy and scumbaggy?
3
SPEAKER_04
I hope so.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, but not best boy.
3
SPEAKER_02
You can t be a best boy and scumbaggy.
3
SPEAKER_02
No, no, no.
3
SPEAKER_04
Chris is not a best boy.
3
SPEAKER_02
But you can be a good guy and have done scumbaggy things.
3
SPEAKER_02
We all have.
3
SPEAKER_03
We didn t get where we are today without doing some shady stuff.
3
SPEAKER_04
Some scumbaggery.
3
SPEAKER_03
Never crossed the line.
3
SPEAKER_03
Never been arrested.
3
SPEAKER_03
Never went to jail.
3
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_04
Right.
3
SPEAKER_04
Never harmed a human physically, intentionally.
3
SPEAKER_02
We don t need to go down the list.
3
SPEAKER_04
Chris s has been a delight.
3
SPEAKER_02
Thanks for telling us that.
3
SPEAKER_03
I m glad you guys had me.
3
SPEAKER_04
All right.
3
SPEAKER_04
Take care.
3
SPEAKER_04
Appreciate you guys.
3
SPEAKER_04
Bye.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh man, that s worse than the cheating on the girlfriend.
3
SPEAKER_04
Which is funny, because that one has a real victim.
3
SPEAKER_02
I know, I find the teacher really sad in that story.
3
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, who are you most judgmental of in the story?
3
SPEAKER_04
The boys who vandalize?
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, the boys who vandalize, fuck that.
3
SPEAKER_02
That s so mean.
3
SPEAKER_04
So then they got in trouble for a thing they did, so that s not bad.
3
SPEAKER_02
No, I think that affected that teacher so much, that vandalization, that obviously he ll do anything.
3
SPEAKER_04
He compromises morals.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_04
But we re mad at the Vandals, I think.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I m a little mad at Chris for putting him in that position to compromise his morals.
3
SPEAKER_02
But he got him what he wanted, which is... But he could have just said, hey, I know this is really bothering you.
3
SPEAKER_02
This is who did it.
3
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, I think he was like, I can do that and also get a little something for me.
3
SPEAKER_02
I know, that s the part that s bad, Max.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh, God.
3
SPEAKER_04
It s shocking to me I don t know Chris already from the Midwest.
3
SPEAKER_02
I liked him.
3
SPEAKER_02
We all do bad stuff.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
It s just the way it goes.
3
SPEAKER_04
You can t get through this life without... I don t think so.
3
SPEAKER_04
I have a cheating story that occurred to me that I can tell if you want to hear it.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
Hello.
3
SPEAKER_02
Hi there.
3
SPEAKER_02
Is this Danielle?
3
SPEAKER_02
This is.
3
SPEAKER_02
I have to say something.
3
SPEAKER_02
Every single person.
3
SPEAKER_02
Don t say it.
3
SPEAKER_02
Why?
3
SPEAKER_02
Why can t I say it?
3
SPEAKER_02
Did Holly?
3
SPEAKER_02
Okay, except our first story when I think she was wearing long sleeves.
3
SPEAKER_02
The rest of you have tattoos.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh, geez.
3
SPEAKER_02
Ah, literally the exact same, you have sleeves.
3
SPEAKER_02
All three of you have sleeves.
3
SPEAKER_02
It s pretty incredible.
3
SPEAKER_04
And me, so far.
3
SPEAKER_02
I love it, it looks great.
3
SPEAKER_02
But I had to bring that up.
3
SPEAKER_04
It s worth observing.
3
SPEAKER_04
You d be lying to yourself if you didn t.
3
SPEAKER_00
It d be disappointing if you didn t.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_04
And I have so many cheating stories and you have some.
3
SPEAKER_00
I have some.
3
SPEAKER_00
Well, who doesn t?
3
SPEAKER_00
That s right.
3
SPEAKER_04
Where are you, Danielle?
3
SPEAKER_00
I m in Edmonton, Alberta.
3
SPEAKER_04
Oh, our Canadian friends to the North.
3
SPEAKER_04
Did you happen to listen to Camilla Mendez?
3
SPEAKER_00
I absolutely did.
3
SPEAKER_04
I saw some comments from some Canadians that they were like, really hurt my feelings that episode.
3
SPEAKER_00
For what?
3
SPEAKER_04
I know we were just saying, we don t want to be in Canada working because we don t want to be away from home.
3
SPEAKER_04
Having nothing to do with Canada.
3
SPEAKER_03
Drug use in Vancouver.
3
SPEAKER_04
Well, there s a ton of drug use in Vancouver.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s really bad here as well.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, and there s a ton of drug use here.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I had a gentleman offer to trade me booze and drugs for my baby on the way to the pediatrician downtown.
3
SPEAKER_00
So like, it s not great here.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it s sort of a rampant problem.
3
SPEAKER_04
You could call that a drug problem.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it s rough out in the streets.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it sure is.
3
SPEAKER_04
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_04
So you re up in Canada and you are going to tell us about a time you cheated.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yes, but I went outside the box.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_00
I love that.
3
SPEAKER_00
Great.
3
SPEAKER_00
So it s the day I cheated death.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I love it.
3
SPEAKER_04
I know what you did.
3
SPEAKER_04
You have a whopper of a story and you re like waiting for the right prompt and it s just not fucking coming.
3
SPEAKER_04
And then you cracked it.
3
SPEAKER_04
I applaud this.
3
SPEAKER_00
I ve been manifesting this from day one.
3
SPEAKER_00
Myself and my very good friend Justine who listen daily.
3
SPEAKER_00
And when that email came in, I text her just her name in all capital letters and she said, we ve done it.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s gonna happen.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s coming with this story.
3
SPEAKER_04
Okay, so hit us with this cheating death story.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay, so this was in 2013 and it was in actually the small town that I grew up in.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s about three hours north of here.
3
SPEAKER_00
It was the day of the bridal shower for my practice marriage.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I love this.
3
SPEAKER_01
I love calling it that.
3
SPEAKER_00
When you re a child bride, things don t typically work out.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
I just grew up in a small town and that s what everybody did.
3
SPEAKER_00
So it s a Saturday morning, I drive to work and I m working at a hair salon that s on Main Street.
3
SPEAKER_00
So the way that the buildings are situated, it s front of the buildings are on Main Street.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then in the back, there s like a big back alley space for parking and for garbage trucks, things like that to come by.
3
SPEAKER_00
So I come into the back alley, get out of my vehicle, I m walking to the door, it s
3
SPEAKER_00
up a couple stairs on a deck.
3
SPEAKER_00
So I m walking up, the back door flies open.
3
SPEAKER_00
One of my co-workers comes running out and she s barely five feet, little fiery redhead, screaming, you motherfucker, what the fuck are you doing?
3
SPEAKER_00
I m going to fucking kill you.
3
SPEAKER_00
What?
3
SPEAKER_00
I m like, well, this can t be for me.
3
SPEAKER_00
So I turn around and there s a guy hightailing it back behind me.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like.
3
SPEAKER_00
takes off through the back alley running and it s 8 15 a.m on a Saturday.
3
SPEAKER_00
Right.
3
SPEAKER_00
She s frantic.
3
SPEAKER_00
We get inside and she s like, did you not see what happened?
3
SPEAKER_00
I guess I got out of my car and he runs up behind me and pulls out his rock hard penis and is furiously masturbating.
3
Oh boy.
3
SPEAKER_00
Hand in his hoodie pocket.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh wow.
3
SPEAKER_00
The other one aggressively masturbating while getting up right behind me.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh my god.
3
SPEAKER_00
So she s very worried he has something in his pocket.
3
SPEAKER_04
Can I ask how on earth she observed all this?
3
SPEAKER_00
So there s a window out the back door and the staff room of the salon is there.
3
SPEAKER_00
So she had gotten there, was putting her things away, heard me drive up, looked,
3
SPEAKER_04
And this guy runs out and he is already at attention and he s ready to go.
3
SPEAKER_00
Wowie.
3
SPEAKER_00
Very impressive, right?
3
SPEAKER_00
So she s beside herself, calls the police.
3
SPEAKER_00
They come lights and sirens and it s like a 90 second drive.
3
SPEAKER_04
They should have walked.
3
SPEAKER_04
It was next door and they got in the cars and drove to parking spots.
3
SPEAKER_00
So they get there and are doing a full investigation.
3
SPEAKER_00
looking for prints, interviewing other businesses, looking for video cameras.
3
SPEAKER_00
Well, I kind of like this though.
3
SPEAKER_04
I was going to say, I can only be so upset because generally it s the opposite, which is like, lady, you re hysterical and I m not going to take you serious.
3
SPEAKER_04
You re not in danger.
3
SPEAKER_02
Ignore it.
3
SPEAKER_04
With the guy in her stairwell of her apartment.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_02
And the cop came and just like, didn t give a fuck.
3
SPEAKER_02
I prefer this.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_00
So they re interviewing her and they re asking for a full description of this man s genitalia.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, okay.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like they re going to line people up and be like, show us your genitals.
3
SPEAKER_04
I ll also acknowledge that a lot of these cases, remember someone was described as having like a mushroom dick.
3
SPEAKER_04
It was like, you know, kind of an Epstein-esque case and it was pretty definitive because it is a fingerprint.
3
SPEAKER_04
Trump s penis.
3
SPEAKER_04
Oh, Trump s penis.
3
SPEAKER_04
With Stormy Daniels.
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh, Stormy Daniels, right.
3
SPEAKER_04
How did she describe it?
3
SPEAKER_04
A mushroom.
3
SPEAKER_04
A mushroom, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
all this is finished, they actually do end up catching somebody with his description several days later in like the next small town because he d gotten his rocks off in ours.
3
SPEAKER_00
He was charged with sexual assault on a woman.
3
SPEAKER_00
So we ll now fast forward to the evening of the actual bridal shower and I had said, I don t want one.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think they re silly.
3
SPEAKER_00
I ll only have it if it s in the evening and I can drink.
3
SPEAKER_00
So my bridesmaids, parents, everybody have rented out the golf and country club.
3
SPEAKER_00
My practice husband had said, well, I can come pick you up.
3
SPEAKER_00
I said, it s fine.
3
SPEAKER_00
We re just going to call a cab after.
3
SPEAKER_00
And again, it s 2013.
3
SPEAKER_00
There s no Ubers there.
3
SPEAKER_00
So the evening s over.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s myself, my mom, and two of her friends left over.
3
SPEAKER_00
And we said, Kate, we ll call the van cab that the one company has.
3
SPEAKER_00
They pull up, we go to get in the cab.
4
SPEAKER_00
And everyone still has a cocktail left over.
4
SPEAKER_00
And it was like, well, we paid for them, we re bringing them.
4
SPEAKER_00
Sure, roadies.
4
SPEAKER_00
Another one of my mom s friends says, well, I m a member at this club and I want that potted plant.
4
SPEAKER_01
So you guys are now looting from the country club.
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, I mean, she s a member, so she considered it hers.
4
SPEAKER_00
Okay, wow, that s...
4
SPEAKER_00
Get in this van cab!
4
SPEAKER_00
The first row is myself, the potted plant, and then in the back rows are my mom and her friends.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s out of town and it s on a T-intersection.
4
SPEAKER_00
So in order to get out, you re driving down, it s a T, you turn left to go into town, right to go out, in front of you is a farmer s field.
4
SPEAKER_00
We re flying down this road and even in my state I m thinking, this is very fast.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I start to smell a skunk.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I know that on the way in, there was a dead skunk on the road.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I was like, well, we re mighty close to that stop sign.
4
SPEAKER_00
And as I m about to say, we should slow down.
4
SPEAKER_00
All I hear are horns, lights, and us flying through that intersection.
4
SPEAKER_00
We ve hit the farmer s fence, cleared out the whole fence, and we are in the middle of this field.
4
SPEAKER_01
Is the driver conscious?
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
Is he the guy whose penis it was?
4
SPEAKER_00
So we re in this field, and all of a sudden he goes, I m so sorry, I m not really sure what happened there.
4
SPEAKER_00
I can get us out of here.
4
SPEAKER_01
Again, now this may offend some Canadians, that sounds very Canadian.
4
SPEAKER_00
It is the most Canadian thing possible.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, oops.
4
SPEAKER_00
Because he goes, not to worry, I can get us out.
4
SPEAKER_00
Goes to hit in reverse.
4
SPEAKER_00
As I hear my mother screaming, he broke my fucking arm.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, oh.
4
SPEAKER_00
I then hear my mom s other friend screaming, he spilled my fucking drink.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, yeah, that s the same.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then my other mom s friend yelling about the plant, because if you look throughout the cab, there s potted plant everywhere.
4
SPEAKER_01
Okay, so that thing grenaded.
4
SPEAKER_00
cocktails everywhere, potted plants everywhere.
4
SPEAKER_01
This guy got what he deserved.
4
SPEAKER_01
His van s a mess now.
4
SPEAKER_00
It was a mess to begin with, which was why we shouldn t have gotten in.
4
SPEAKER_00
But hey, I am having to now control this group of women who are frantic and tell the cab driver you need to stop.
4
SPEAKER_00
we have to call the police.
4
SPEAKER_00
The farmer whose field it was, he s coming down in his four-wheeler, because he s witnessed our horrid dukes of hazard through his field, smashed his fence.
4
SPEAKER_00
The police finally get there.
4
SPEAKER_00
I walk up to give my statement and hear laughing, because it is the same police officer I ve given my statement to that morning.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, my Lord.
4
SPEAKER_00
You bookended his day.
4
SPEAKER_00
He s like, this girl.
4
SPEAKER_01
Also, this guy s on a long shift.
4
SPEAKER_00
So they ll either do a full shift, a double, or a split.
4
SPEAKER_00
Okay, he s on a double.
4
SPEAKER_00
I think he was on a split, so he would ve done the morning, had the mid-shift off, and then come on for an evening.
4
SPEAKER_01
Wow, both shifts were full of you.
4
SPEAKER_00
Lucky for him, right?
4
SPEAKER_01
So did they give the cab driver a breathalyzer?
4
SPEAKER_01
Did anyone attempt to explain why he did this?
4
SPEAKER_00
He got a failure to stop at a stop sign ticket.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, that s nice, that s not a bad ticket.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, so it would ve been several seconds earlier or later, and we probably would ve been dead.
4
SPEAKER_00
Like, would ve T-boned that van.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
By the way, talk about the universe sending you a lot of signs.
4
SPEAKER_00
Exactly, that you re not supposed to get married.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
Hindsight is 20-20, right?
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
As soon as you got up, the universe was like, don t do it.
4
SPEAKER_00
We re not letting you do this.
4
SPEAKER_01
Later that night, don t do it.
4
SPEAKER_00
We would rather you be dead.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, twice.
4
SPEAKER_00
First guy didn t get her, this is for sure gonna get her.
4
SPEAKER_01
This will wake her up.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, Danielle, what an eventful day.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, big day.
4
SPEAKER_00
Thanks for sharing.
4
SPEAKER_01
Thank you so much for telling us that story.
4
SPEAKER_01
And hi to Justine, was it?
4
SPEAKER_00
Justine, thank you so much.
4
SPEAKER_00
It was great meeting you guys.
4
SPEAKER_00
This is so wonderful.
4
SPEAKER_00
You guys are just lights in my life.
4
SPEAKER_00
We re friends and you don t know it yet.
4
SPEAKER_01
Well, thank you.
4
SPEAKER_01
Thank you.
4
SPEAKER_01
All right, take care.
4
SPEAKER_00
Bye.
4
SPEAKER_00
Bye.
4
SPEAKER_02
Okay, I have an idea for a prompt.
4
SPEAKER_02
You know that book, Alexander, There s No Good, Horrible, Very Bad Day?
4
SPEAKER_02
That prompt, like people who ve had a day like that.
4
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, that s great.
4
SPEAKER_02
Anyway, so tell us your cheating story.
4
SPEAKER_01
Okay, so you had to have a foreign language prerequisite to get into UCLA.
4
SPEAKER_01
Could they revoke your degree if you tell this?
4
SPEAKER_01
Let s see him try.
4
SPEAKER_01
Fuck it.
4
SPEAKER_01
You know, if they got to do it, I ll live.
4
SPEAKER_02
Then you can t ever say again, you have an anthropology degree.
4
SPEAKER_02
Think about what s on the table here.
4
SPEAKER_01
I ll still tell people I had it.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
Just like Reggie Bush winning the Heisman.
4
SPEAKER_01
They took it back because he supported his mom.
4
SPEAKER_01
I ll still tell everyone I won the Heisman because he did.
4
SPEAKER_01
He won the Heisman.
4
SPEAKER_02
He did.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
Anyways, so I get taken it at Santa Monica college twice and I had to draw one.
4
SPEAKER_01
I guess it was that Spanish.
4
SPEAKER_01
I had to take two units of it or something to get in.
4
SPEAKER_01
I had to drop the class like the day before you could drop before it went on your report card as an E or a fail.
4
SPEAKER_01
Both times I m like trying to see if I need to do that or not.
4
SPEAKER_01
And both times I had to.
4
SPEAKER_01
I was going to fail the class anyways, right?
4
SPEAKER_01
I mean, I just couldn t do it.
4
SPEAKER_01
So I m like, what am I going to do?
4
SPEAKER_01
I have to have this thing and I m trying my hardest and I can t do it.
4
SPEAKER_01
And so this is sounding like a little bit of some shade to West LA College, but I heard West LA College was a lot easier.
4
SPEAKER_00
Sure.
4
SPEAKER_01
So I m like, fuck it.
4
SPEAKER_01
I guess I ll try to take Spanish at the West LA college.
4
SPEAKER_01
So I did, I registered for just two classes there and took Spanish there.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I figured out that I could print something on my printer in like four font.
4
SPEAKER_02
No.
4
SPEAKER_01
So I wrote out this whole thing.
4
SPEAKER_01
I forget what we were going to have to do.
4
SPEAKER_01
Like, I want to say we re going to have to write a whole paragraph or something.
4
SPEAKER_01
And so I wrote the whole thing out and I printed it out and it was like the size of a matchbook.
4
SPEAKER_01
I could have never done this today.
4
SPEAKER_01
There s no way I could see the letters.
4
SPEAKER_02
And then it d be so obvious.
4
SPEAKER_02
You d be like staring at your hand.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yes, exactly.
4
SPEAKER_01
But I did attach it to my palm.
4
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I just fully cheated on the final.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I did that for every test that I had there.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I got an A in that class.
4
SPEAKER_02
Only Spanish, though.
4
SPEAKER_01
Only Spanish.
4
SPEAKER_01
OK.
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh, and you got an A.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I got an A. You should have just tried to get a C. Fuck it, I mean, I m already cheating.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m trying to get into UCLA.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m not trying to lower my GPA.
4
SPEAKER_01
I think I had like a 3.5 out of SMC.
4
SPEAKER_02
I know, it just feels a little more unfair.
4
SPEAKER_02
Like, it s one thing if you re just trying to pass just so you can pass, but then to like excel is not really fair.
4
SPEAKER_01
Well, look, I had to get into UCLA.
4
SPEAKER_01
I think it s unfair that I had to learn Spanish to get into this school, but that s the barrier that I got to learn a language I m never, ever going to speak in my life.
4
SPEAKER_02
I mean, we would be speaking it more now if I was capable.
4
SPEAKER_02
I know.
4
SPEAKER_02
Same.
4
SPEAKER_02
I never cheated at Spanish, but I wanted to cheat.
4
SPEAKER_02
I was so bad at it.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I think I told this, I guess Spanish class is a common place for people to cheat.
4
SPEAKER_02
And, you know,
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SPEAKER_01
I m going to be honest, it s a little arbitrary to have as an absolute requisite because all the other ones are building blocks for the rest that you ll learn.
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SPEAKER_02
I think it s kind of good they make people take it.
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SPEAKER_02
I wasn t good at it, but I am glad I was forced to think that way because I never would have otherwise.
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SPEAKER_01
But I ll, I ll master Latin history for you.
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SPEAKER_01
If you want me to know people and respect them and put time into learning about the people of the world, that s great.
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SPEAKER_01
Making me speak their language.
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SPEAKER_01
I don t know why that s the most respectful way for me to do it.
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SPEAKER_01
I could learn the history of Spain or Mexico.
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SPEAKER_02
You know, we have a big Latin population.
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SPEAKER_02
It s good to be able to communicate.
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SPEAKER_01
Yeah, but you could take two years of Korean, anything.
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SPEAKER_01
You just have to take two years or two units or whatever of a foreign language.
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SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_01
Someone decided that made a well-rounded student at some point.
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SPEAKER_01
And I m just arguing.
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SPEAKER_01
I don t know if I agree with that.
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SPEAKER_02
It also depends.
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SPEAKER_02
It depends on your major.
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SPEAKER_02
The theater major required us to take four levels of Spanish.
4
SPEAKER_01
Again, why?
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SPEAKER_01
You re never going to do a Spanish play.
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SPEAKER_02
But it s something about the way your brain, I don t know why, but I did it.
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SPEAKER_01
Pretty arbitrary.
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SPEAKER_02
I don t think I know what goes into all the decision making, and I m okay with not knowing.
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SPEAKER_02
Right.
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SPEAKER_02
And I don t necessarily think it s arbitrary.
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SPEAKER_01
I m just saying, I can make it, like, you got to be good at reading and writing because you re going to need to do that in all the majors.
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SPEAKER_01
And you should have a really good base knowledge of
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SPEAKER_01
math because you re gonna have to do biology, chemistry, and some physics.
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SPEAKER_02
But why?
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SPEAKER_02
I ve never had to do chemistry for the rest of my life.
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SPEAKER_02
I shouldn t have had to take that ever.
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SPEAKER_02
But they decided that was just as important.
4
SPEAKER_02
Again, it s like not knowing what people are gonna be doing.
4
SPEAKER_02
But in theater, I don t really get it.
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SPEAKER_01
But also, there s just one physics.
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SPEAKER_01
There s one math.
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SPEAKER_01
There s 230 languages, and we re not even getting into the
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SPEAKER_01
6,000 dialects within some of these languages.
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SPEAKER_01
Like, you re just throwing a dart at a map.
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SPEAKER_01
Math is math, physics is physics, chemistry is chemistry.
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SPEAKER_01
It s like a universal knowledge you re picking up.
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SPEAKER_02
Well, I would say I ve used Spanish more than I ve used chemistry, personally.
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SPEAKER_01
I believe that.
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SPEAKER_02
But Callie and my friend Robbie, they cheated in high school Spanish a lot.
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SPEAKER_02
They would sit behind me and cheat, and I hated it.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I bet you did.
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SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I really didn t like it.
4
SPEAKER_01
In high school, when I had German, I cheated off a sassy the entire time.
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SPEAKER_01
I sat next to her and just fucking completely cheated.
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SPEAKER_02
I think people felt like
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SPEAKER_02
It didn t count to cheat in a foreign language class, and that is racism.
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SPEAKER_01
I think people intuitively know that it s arbitrary, and that s why they re not valuing it.
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SPEAKER_02
I think they think it doesn t matter.
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SPEAKER_01
You know one of the reigning theories of why we re so smart as a primate is because we have mastered deception.
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SPEAKER_01
Cheating s actually one of the primary theories on the evolution of our intelligence.
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SPEAKER_01
The fact that the chimps that can call out, there s a leopard,
5
SPEAKER_01
and all the alphas run to deal with this leopard, and they get to go pass on their genes with the alpha female.
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SPEAKER_01
They ve observed this.
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SPEAKER_01
Well, that deception was then rewarded, and there s a cleverness to that.
5
SPEAKER_01
And then whoever can outsmart the other alphas that are just big, that perpetuates this whole cycle of intelligence, which is really just based in deception and cheating.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_04
Well, that was cool.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, that was a wild one.
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SPEAKER_04
Yeah, I like hearing about those stories.
5
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_02
All right, love you.
5
SPEAKER_04
Love you.
5
SPEAKER_00
Do you wanna sing a tune or something, or a theme song?
5
SPEAKER_00
Oh.
5
SPEAKER_00
Okay, great.
5
SPEAKER_03
We don t have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go.
5
SPEAKER_03
We re gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of armchairies, we ll get some suggestions on the fly, right?