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My name is Lee Hawkins.
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I ve been a journalist for over 25 years.
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On my new podcast, What Happened in Alabama, I get answers to some of the hardest questions about how things came to be for many black Americans and the truth that must come before any reconciliation can happen.
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I investigate my family history, my upbringing in Minnesota, and my father s painful nightmares about growing up in Alabama.
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What Happened in Alabama is a new series confronting the cycles of trauma for myself, my family, and for many Black Americans.
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Listen now.
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Becky s this next episode has me talking with a showbiz veteran hailed as a pioneer of the one woman show.
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Our conversation got me thinking about my history as a stand up and how I have evolved.
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I feel like I ve come to a place of just wanting to always do what makes me feel good on stage.
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And I think that that
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makes the audience enjoy the show more.
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When I started, I did one-liner jokes, and then I would tell short stories.
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Then I started telling longer stories.
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I even kind of dabbled in prop comedy in the way that I dragged a stool across the stage on Conan.
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I ve incorporated music, so many different things, even sharing personal details about like when I had cancer and my mother passed away.
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And it s funny because all the different places that I ve reached in my career and in my style,
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There s always a conversation around it of like, oh, is this do you think you ve found your voice finally?
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And I think I have my voice.
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It s just that it s more secured in the way that I feel comfortable using it in all these different ways of telling stories and jokes.
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Anyway, if you want to hear me tell stories and jokes, I may be stopping by a town near you.
0
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In fact, I ll be headed to Bellingham, Washington, September 8th, Olympia, Washington, September 9th, Torrington, Connecticut, September 15th, Rochester, New York, September 16th, Wilmington, Delaware, September 17th, Colorado Springs, September 25th,
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Breckenridge, Colorado, September 28th, Boulder, Colorado, September 29th, and November 4th in Brooklyn at King s Theatre for my next stand-up special taping.
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There s an early and late show.
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And then I m off on my European tour in October.
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Check my website for all European and U.S.
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dates at tignotaro.com.
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See you on the road.
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And lastly, just a note that this episode was recorded before the Screen Actors Guild strike went into effect.
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Now let s start the show.
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I can t believe I m being yelled at on my own.
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Yelled at?
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Global sensation of a podcast.
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It s so funny because my girlfriend and my daughter always claim I m yelling at them.
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I m like, you don t know the name of yelling, right?
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If you think this is yelling, I ll show you yelling because I can yell and I can scream.
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This is Don t Ask Tig.
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I m Tig Notaro.
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And while I may not be advice royalty, today s guest is an actual queen of comedy.
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Today s guest is an award-winning performer, actor, singer, and author who you ve seen in American Horror Story, Pose,
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and the king of comedy.
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She hosts Sandy Land on Sirius XM.
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She s on Comedy Central s list of the 100 greatest stand-ups of all time and is considered one of the pioneers of the one-woman show.
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Her most recent is titled Spring Affair.
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Sandra Bernhard, welcome to Don t Ask Tig.
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SPEAKER_02
Thank you, Tig.
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SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_02
Hi, darling.
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SPEAKER_02
How are you?
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SPEAKER_02
I m doing well.
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SPEAKER_02
You laughed at 100 greatest standups of all time.
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That s a fact.
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SPEAKER_02
Don t fight it.
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SPEAKER_01
I would never fight it.
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It s just so funny.
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SPEAKER_01
You know, all that stuff just kind of tickles me in a certain way.
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SPEAKER_01
You know what I mean?
0
SPEAKER_02
Sure, sure.
0
SPEAKER_02
It tickles me, too.
0
SPEAKER_02
But I don t fight it either.
0
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Now, by the way, I have to tell you that you re a bit on the standout
0
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Netflix special that we were both on last year was particularly brilliant and funny.
0
SPEAKER_01
My girlfriend, wife, partner, whatever the f**k we are, logged it.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s very clever and funny, the firemen and the whole thing.
0
SPEAKER_02
Well, if only it were made up.
0
SPEAKER_02
Oh, no.
0
SPEAKER_01
Nothing like that s ever made up.
0
SPEAKER_02
Of course.
0
SPEAKER_02
Your set that night was so, so incredible and so fun to watch.
0
SPEAKER_02
Thank you.
0
SPEAKER_02
Oh, my God, I hadn t seen you perform in so long.
0
SPEAKER_02
And then it was, you know, that feeling of you haven t seen somebody perform no matter how long they ve been doing it, how old they are.
0
SPEAKER_02
You re like, how s this going to be?
0
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And then it was just explosively fun to watch.
0
SPEAKER_02
Thank you.
0
SPEAKER_01
It was a great night.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, it was so fun.
0
SPEAKER_01
It always amazes me how great L.A.
0
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audiences are.
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I feel like they re so appreciative and they really love performers.
0
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Anytime I ve gone to any kind of live show, music or comedy or anything, people are really in it.
0
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They re committed and they come to support the artists.
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I don t know.
0
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I love LA audiences.
0
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I like creating in LA, by the way, more than anywhere else because- Really?
0
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Yeah.
0
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I feel like I ve written some of my best material in LA when I ve lived there or I ve been hanging out and driving.
0
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Well, in the old days, I d pull over and just jot things down, or I d race home when I used to live in the valley, and I d race home and I d just run in and start writing things down.
0
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LA is, I guess it s a little bit of the isolation and the desolation at night because it s so quiet.
0
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It goes from being jam-packed, bumper to bumper all day long,
0
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The minute 7.30, 8 o clock hits, it s like the roads are wide open.
0
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You could go down sunset from West Hollywood to the beach in 20 minutes.
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Right.
0
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Which is how it was when I first moved to LA in the 70s.
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What year of the 70s?
0
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Cinco de Mayo, 1974.
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SPEAKER_01
Cinco de Mayo?
0
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The party hasn t stopped since.
0
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I spent my first summer going to beauty school.
0
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I became a manicurist.
0
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
0
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So I have a day job and I was never going to be a waitress.
0
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That s just not my gig.
0
SPEAKER_01
Do you keep up your nails?
0
SPEAKER_01
I go and get my nails done now because it s very hard to cut your own nails without going, like sometimes you cut it and sometimes you go too deep into the cuticle and it can really be a mess.
0
SPEAKER_02
Get infected or something.
0
SPEAKER_01
No, but it s just too short.
0
SPEAKER_01
I always keep my nails very short.
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Swells up real big.
0
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No.
0
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No, honey.
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I m absolutely pristine manicurist and human being.
0
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Everything, there s alcohol, there s sterilization methods that are always- That would be nice if people just dip their fingers in alcohol.
0
SPEAKER_02
Wait, are you talking rubbing alcohol or vodka?
0
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That would be a fun place to go.
0
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Yeah, I d say it would be fun if you dip each finger in an olive and then put it into vodka and a little splash of, what do they put in a martini?
0
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I don t know.
0
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Oh, vermouth.
0
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Vermouth.
0
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And then just eat the olives.
0
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I used to do that when I was little.
0
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I d put olives on every finger and just eat them off just because it was fun.
0
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My mother was in a really bad car accident and they had used these long screws to straighten her toes out.
0
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And when she got out of the hospital, she used those long screws to put through olives and martinis when she d have parties.
0
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And people would be like, oh, Susie, this is such a great idea to put a screw through an olive.
0
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What made you think of that?
0
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And she was like, oh, those were in my toes.
0
SPEAKER_02
And then she would use her trays that you throw up in or like kind of kidney.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
0
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And then the bedpan, she d use those to put snacks out at parties.
0
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It s just a horrified people.
0
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Did she come through the accident?
0
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Was she OK?
0
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Did she recover?
0
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Yeah, she recovered.
0
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That was when she was in college, but she was in a coma.
0
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She broke like every bone in her body.
0
SPEAKER_01
Oh, Jesus Christ.
0
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But then she ended up actually tripping and hitting her head and dying in 2012.
0
SPEAKER_02
Oh, come on.
0
SPEAKER_01
That is so f***ed up.
0
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Yeah.
0
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But she went through the windshield of a car.
0
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But anyway, that was in the 60s.
0
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This is the best advice I have for everybody.
0
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Wear your seatbelts.
0
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Oh, there you go.
0
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You heard it first.
0
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Let s start there.
0
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Right here.
0
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I don t care if you re going two blocks or 200 miles.
0
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I don t care if you re eating olives off your fingertips full of vermouth.
0
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Exactly.
0
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Just put those seatbelts on.
0
SPEAKER_02
Now, you ve said that your worldview was influenced by your parents, by their work.
0
SPEAKER_01
Correct.
0
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My mother was an abstract artist.
0
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My father was a proctologist.
0
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Quite the combo.
0
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That s how I view the world.
0
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How did that shape you?
0
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I don t know if it actually did.
0
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It was just a funny line in my show.
0
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But my mom was a great artist and was always studying and always had great teachers, art teachers, and people that were in and out of our lives.
0
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It was very unusual to have something like that back in the 60s.
0
SPEAKER_01
My father was a doctor.
0
SPEAKER_01
He went back and specialized in proctology, which was, I don t know, it was very odd.
0
SPEAKER_01
My dad is still alive.
0
SPEAKER_01
He s 100 years old.
0
SPEAKER_02
No.
0
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Yeah.
0
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But he s totally estranged from me and my three brothers.
0
SPEAKER_02
Oh.
0
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He went mad on us.
0
SPEAKER_02
Oh, he did?
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
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It s not completely surprising because he was always a little bit of a,
0
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a hard-charging bully in his own way.
0
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It s weird.
0
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It s like when you think, oh my God, my dad s 100 years old.
0
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He s still clicking and kicking.
0
SPEAKER_02
My mother died before there was MAGA.
0
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Obviously, MAGA has always been there, but my mother was an artist as well.
0
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My stepfather was an attorney.
0
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What medium did your mother work in?
0
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She was a painter.
0
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She also did charcoal.
0
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Mixed medium.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
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She was definitely full-blown artist, very funny, wild person.
0
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Sounds like our mothers would probably have gotten along.
0
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Probably.
0
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But yeah, I would say I feel thankful for the balance that I had.
0
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Right.
0
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Because my mother was always cheering me on for being exactly who I was a million percent.
0
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And then my stepfather really gave us structure.
0
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And I can feel both of those things so insanely in my life.
0
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I understand that.
0
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My mother was very structured in her way.
0
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She was a fabulous cook.
0
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She was a wonderful pianist.
0
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My father in his own way was creative too.
0
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When he attempted to do creative things, he was really good at it.
0
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We had a classic liberal Jewish upbringing in Michigan, and then we decamped to Arizona when I was 10.
0
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which was also fascinating.
0
SPEAKER_01
I love the Old West and it still has wide open spaces.
0
SPEAKER_01
I m sure being in Texas, you can relate to that.
0
SPEAKER_01
I enjoyed my childhood.
0
SPEAKER_01
I m not saying I got up scot-free.
0
SPEAKER_01
Everybody has their memories and moments, but I really don t have any major complaints.
0
SPEAKER_02
That s unbelievable.
0
SPEAKER_01
I have three older brothers and they re all creative and really, really smart and great guys.
0
SPEAKER_01
I just feel like I was the baby, I got all the attention I wanted, and I got to have fun and we traveled, we did things.
0
SPEAKER_01
I don t know, I don t have anything to complain about.
0
SPEAKER_02
That s really incredible.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
0
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I have plenty to complain about, but I also,
0
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What I m blown away by is how so many of my friends that I have in Mississippi and Texas are some of the most open-minded, loving people, and I can t believe we still connect.
0
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That s amazing.
0
SPEAKER_02
All of these years later.
0
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I feel thankful.
0
SPEAKER_02
I have no complaints as well.
0
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That s so great.
0
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These friends of mine, when I lived in Austin when I was a young adult, my two closest friends who I actually moved out to Los Angeles with, they worked at this place called Clean and Lean.
0
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And it was a gym and a laundromat.
0
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And next to it was a movie rental place.
0
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And my friend Leslie has always been obsessed with you and would get videos of you and rent them and play them at Clean and Lean.
0
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And to me, this place in Austin is you.
0
SPEAKER_02
Oh, I love that.
0
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Even when I still pass it, I m like, that s where I would watch your videos.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s so perfect for me.
0
SPEAKER_01
First of all, I love doing laundry.
0
SPEAKER_01
I do too.
0
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I do like the average of five to eight loads of laundry a week.
0
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And I m the exclusive laundress in our household.
0
SPEAKER_02
I find it so relaxing.
0
SPEAKER_02
I love folding clothes.
0
SPEAKER_01
I do too.
0
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I love putting them away.
0
SPEAKER_01
I do too.
0
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And also I go to the gym all the time.
0
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So the clean and lean thing is just so right for me.
0
SPEAKER_02
I can t even remember if that place is open still, but whenever I m in Austin, I pass it.
0
SPEAKER_02
You are who I think about watching those videos with my friends, Beth and Leslie.
0
SPEAKER_02
To go back to your comedy career, how do you feel like your comedy has evolved since the 70s when you started?
0
SPEAKER_01
Well, I think my comedy in a certain way has remained the same.
0
SPEAKER_01
I ve always had sort of a offbeat, sophisticated, influenced by entertainers and old school performers, and yet sort of postmodern.
0
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It s just like a big, big, big,
0
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bucket of drinks that I combine.
0
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And I d always, to me, it always tastes delicious and unique with just like, you know, an overtone of patchouli.
0
SPEAKER_01
I mean, it s like everything.
0
SPEAKER_02
It s like a kamikaze, you know, those drinks?
0
SPEAKER_01
It is, yes.
0
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And the only thing that s really changed is my confidence
0
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My ability, Paul Mooney, who was my mentor, would always say, burn hard, you got to get up on stage and shed your skin, peel the layers of the onion.
0
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Every night, even to this day, even Paul has been gone now for a few years and I miss him terribly.
0
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His voice is always in the back of my mind saying, peel the onion.
0
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be as authentic as you can possibly be to yourself where you re at now.
0
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And there isn t a night that I don t go on stage where I don t attempt to go deeper and deeper and deeper into who I am and also
0
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channel all the things that I ve experienced and learned on stage over the years.
0
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It just never gets old.
0
SPEAKER_01
It never gets boring.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s never disappointing.
0
SPEAKER_01
I ve never been jaded or tossed off the experience of being in front of a live audience.
0
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I just think it s the most amazing thing in the world to be able to get up and hold people s attention
0
SPEAKER_01
and imbue them with something I feel is valuable and beautiful and heartfelt and also completely honest and maybe things that they hadn t thought about before.
0
SPEAKER_01
Sometimes I surprise myself and start talking about things that are a little bit off-center, even for me.
0
SPEAKER_01
I mean, that s the long-winded answer to say, that s what has changed, that s what s evolved.
0
SPEAKER_01
But I can still feel and sense who I was at 19.
0
SPEAKER_01
She s still there, and I still love her, and she still informs who I am five decades later.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I mean, it s inevitable that people change.
0
SPEAKER_02
And I know for myself, I relate in that through different points in my career, I ve done just like one liners or long stories, or I ve done physical things.
0
SPEAKER_02
And I always tell people that I realized that when I allowed myself to grow and do really what I want to do every time I walk on stage, no matter what my voice is going to come through, even if I m
0
SPEAKER_02
juggling, you know what I mean?
0
SPEAKER_02
No matter what I do on stage, my voice is going to be there through whatever it is that I ve chosen to do.
0
SPEAKER_02
And I feel like people get very scared and try and limit themselves because they re like, this is my persona, this is what people know me as, I need to stay as this.
0
SPEAKER_02
But I love the idea of what Paul had said of peeling the onion and
0
SPEAKER_02
incorporating that as well because I think that you can also be very much yourself and earnest even when there s nonsense or you re telling some deep, dark truth about yourself.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, absolutely.
0
SPEAKER_02
Sandra, do you enjoy giving advice?
0
SPEAKER_02
Well, apparently, clearly.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yes, I do.
0
SPEAKER_02
Well, our first question is from a listener who, like you, is an artist.
0
SPEAKER_02
Annie writes, Hi Tig and guest extraordinaire.
0
SPEAKER_02
I m in my last year of art school, studying performance art, and I m having a serious crisis of confidence.
0
SPEAKER_02
I look at the world and see so many great artists making wonderful and significant work.
0
SPEAKER_02
I love making art and performing, but I don t have anything to say that hasn t been said before, and much better than I ever could.
0
SPEAKER_02
Should I move on and find something else to do with my life?
0
SPEAKER_02
What s the point of pursuing art if you don t believe your work has value or a place in the world?
0
SPEAKER_02
Any advice?
0
SPEAKER_01
I agree with this person wholeheartedly.
0
SPEAKER_01
This has always been my complaint about people over the years.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s like, if you re going to get up on stage, you better have a real strong point of view and you better be able to back it up and follow
1
SPEAKER_02
through on it over a long period of time.
1
SPEAKER_02
Otherwise, just don t do it.
1
SPEAKER_01
I agree.
1
SPEAKER_01
However, I would love it if Annie would do a show about how she doesn t believe she belongs on stage.
1
SPEAKER_01
And to examine why she thinks that s true.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I feel like by the end of the show, she would probably prove herself wrong.
1
SPEAKER_01
That she does belong there.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_01
And she could back that up.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_01
Why she doesn t belong there.
1
SPEAKER_01
And man, would I love to see that show.
1
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, maybe you can produce it.
1
SPEAKER_01
No.
1
SPEAKER_02
You see, you re not going to go that far with Annie.
1
SPEAKER_01
No, but I m going to say, hey, listen, Annie.
1
SPEAKER_01
And you know what?
1
SPEAKER_01
I was even thinking, God, I would love if I felt that way and I had that angle.
1
SPEAKER_01
If I was feeling like I don t have anything else to say.
1
SPEAKER_01
I really feel like there is a show there.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay, Chegg.
1
SPEAKER_01
You know what?
1
SPEAKER_01
I m gonna do it.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m gonna do that show.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, then you re stealing her fit.
1
SPEAKER_01
No, I came up with it.
1
SPEAKER_01
She s saying she doesn t feel like she s... But you don t feel that way.
1
SPEAKER_01
Sometimes.
1
SPEAKER_01
Don t you ever feel like, oh, I mean, as soon as I finish working on material, I always think,
1
SPEAKER_01
Am I dragging this around for too long, or do I really have anything?
1
SPEAKER_01
Like, I have funny things to say hanging out with friends and family and my kids, and then I think, do we really?
1
SPEAKER_02
We re in the position of taking breaks.
1
SPEAKER_02
Every performer needs to take a break.
1
SPEAKER_02
You can t constantly, no matter how creative you are, write an entire, I write new shows all the time.
1
SPEAKER_02
How often?
1
SPEAKER_02
Like, once a year.
1
SPEAKER_02
I do Joe s Pub here in New York at the holidays, and suddenly by the spring, I m like,
1
SPEAKER_02
I ll do a gig here in New York and I feel like I have to write all.
1
SPEAKER_02
I sing also, so I have to pick new songs.
1
SPEAKER_02
Sometimes I just feel like I m so tired and burned out, but then I surprise myself.
1
SPEAKER_01
Isn t that the best feeling when you surprise yourself?
1
SPEAKER_02
I think Annie, if she s going to go for it, she has to go for it.
1
SPEAKER_02
But she can t be questioning it every five minutes.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s just too boring.
1
SPEAKER_01
Would you not be interested if somebody was like, this is a show about how I don t have anything to say?
1
SPEAKER_01
That wouldn t interest you?
1
Mm-mm.
1
SPEAKER_01
What if it was like starring Tig Notaro?
1
SPEAKER_01
Tig has nothing to say.
1
SPEAKER_02
No, because I don t believe it.
1
SPEAKER_02
I don t believe that you feel that way.
1
SPEAKER_02
You might feel that way for a couple of months, but you re suddenly not going to have nothing to say.
1
SPEAKER_02
You ve already said so much.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, Annie.
1
SPEAKER_02
You re not doing that.
1
SPEAKER_02
You re not wasting your time with that idea and you re not following up on it, so don t bullshit me.
1
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_02
Gosh.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, Annie, Sandra is a true artist, so listen to her advice, okay?
1
SPEAKER_02
But don t shut yourself down.
1
SPEAKER_02
Finish your studies and see where you go with it.
1
SPEAKER_02
I mean, I m not saying don t do it, but if she s gonna just like spend all her time naysaying herself, it s just, you can t have people around you constantly shoring you up.
1
SPEAKER_02
It just doesn t work like that.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, God, no.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay, well, Sandra, sit tight.
1
SPEAKER_01
More questions after a quick word from our sponsors.
1
SPEAKER_01
and we re back.
1
SPEAKER_01
Sandra, this question is from a listener named Missy.
1
SPEAKER_01
Missy writes, I am the mother of three-year-old twins and life is pretty wild.
1
SPEAKER_01
My wife and I both work full-time and spend all other energy on our son and daughter.
1
SPEAKER_01
One of my best friends is childless by choice.
1
SPEAKER_01
She constantly refers to her dogs like they are her children.
1
SPEAKER_01
It really bothers me.
1
SPEAKER_01
I have a dog and have no problem with the fact that she chose not to have children.
1
SPEAKER_01
However, I just don t feel like she really understands what it is like to be a parent.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I don t think you can compare that relationship to dog ownership.
1
SPEAKER_01
Do I tell her how I feel?
1
SPEAKER_01
I obviously can t stop talking about my kids because they are my whole world.
1
SPEAKER_01
I just really don t need a play by play of her dog s lives and how tough it is to care for them.
1
SPEAKER_01
Do you have dogs?
1
SPEAKER_02
I have one, George, and he is our life.
1
SPEAKER_02
I mean, my daughter is going to be 25, so she just got a cat named Pepper, a kitten.
1
SPEAKER_02
She s brilliant.
1
SPEAKER_02
My daughter s brilliant and I love her and she s fabulous.
1
SPEAKER_02
But I have to say, Sarah, my partner, my girlfriend and I, we indulge our dog and talk about our dog constantly.
1
SPEAKER_02
I have no problem with anybody talking about their dogs like they re their children.
1
SPEAKER_02
I disagree.
1
SPEAKER_02
Matter of fact,
1
SPEAKER_02
Sarah and I always would go out of our way not to talk too much about Cicely, our daughter, because it s just gross.
1
SPEAKER_02
There s a zillion children on the planet, and that s your choice to have them.
1
SPEAKER_02
It was my choice to have her.
1
SPEAKER_02
I love her.
1
SPEAKER_02
We struggled through adolescence.
1
SPEAKER_02
We went through college.
1
SPEAKER_02
She s an adult.
1
SPEAKER_02
She s making shit happen.
1
SPEAKER_02
That s awesome.
1
SPEAKER_02
A dog is just fabulous 24-7.
1
SPEAKER_02
George, he ll probably walk in here any minute, and I have a snack sitting here, because he demands snacks.
1
SPEAKER_02
He s a little bit older now, but he s on the move, and he s a snack whore.
1
SPEAKER_02
And I m like, you got to stop it, George.
1
SPEAKER_02
This is insane.
1
SPEAKER_02
And he ll bark, and one ear goes up, and he smacks his paw on the ground and demands snacks.
1
SPEAKER_02
And I m just totally engaged, entertained, enlightened, and just delighted by him.
1
SPEAKER_02
So I don t agree.
1
SPEAKER_02
I think she should just like.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, I feel like if it s annoying, obviously, I don t know these people or their personalities.
1
SPEAKER_01
But I feel like if my good friend was talking all the time about their dog, you know, it goes back to comedy.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s all in the delivery.
1
SPEAKER_01
I would tease them like, oh, my God, about this dog again.
1
SPEAKER_01
This isn t even a person, you know, whatever you want to say to acknowledge the situation.
1
SPEAKER_01
But we have three cats.
1
SPEAKER_01
If you think I ever stopped talking about Kitty City, which is what we call our house, then you ve got another thing coming.
1
SPEAKER_01
I mean, I feel the same.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s hard.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m sorry.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s hard.
1
SPEAKER_01
But I also talk about our kids too.
1
SPEAKER_02
Of course you do.
1
SPEAKER_02
We talk about Cicely all the time.
1
SPEAKER_02
Now that she s an adult and pursuing her artistry, and she s such a unique, interesting person.
1
SPEAKER_01
I can t even imagine what your daughter s personality is.
1
SPEAKER_02
She s not totally different than me, but she s very different than me.
1
SPEAKER_02
She s more of an introvert.
1
SPEAKER_02
She did this for her cat.
1
SPEAKER_02
She made beautiful platforms that she covered with fabric and braced them on the wall.
1
SPEAKER_02
And now there s like five levels of
1
SPEAKER_02
platforms where the kitty can climb up and go all the way up to almost the ceiling.
1
SPEAKER_02
She did that yesterday.
1
SPEAKER_01
Does she live with you or does she have her own place?
1
SPEAKER_02
No, she lives in Brooklyn.
1
SPEAKER_01
I said you should market those platforms.
1
SPEAKER_01
So it just goes directly into the wall?
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, we shouldn t tell people about it because what if they take her idea?
1
SPEAKER_02
They won t be able to take her idea.
1
SPEAKER_01
Why?
1
SPEAKER_01
Because we can refer back to this episode?
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, exactly.
1
SPEAKER_02
But I m going to try to connect her with somebody to
1
SPEAKER_02
actually start manufacturing these.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay, so if anyone got any weird idea, uh-uh.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
Missy, I hope this advice helps, I don t know, take a breath and take a beat, have a sense of humor about it.
1
SPEAKER_02
That would be refreshing.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I think maybe tease your friend about the amount of times that she brings up this dog.
1
SPEAKER_01
Also, keep in mind you re asking a cat person about dogs.
1
SPEAKER_01
Now, Sandra, this next question is about the morality of flirting.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_01
Maya writes, I am currently questioning my sexuality and feel as if I might be attracted to women.
1
SPEAKER_01
I myself identify as female.
1
SPEAKER_01
Is it ethical to flirt and show interest in people I find attractive if I am not sure of my preferences and whether or not I would be ready to pursue a relationship with them?
1
SPEAKER_02
Absolutely.
1
SPEAKER_02
It is totally legitimate.
1
SPEAKER_02
If you re out and about or you re at a bar or you re at a party or out with friends and you find somebody, whoever it is, and you re single and you feel attracted to that person, there s nothing more fun than flirting.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, yeah, and I was going to say, first of all, it s nice to be also up front if it s heading in a particular direction.
1
SPEAKER_01
But flirting is so fun.
1
SPEAKER_01
And my wife, Stephanie, always accuses me of having a million boyfriends.
1
SPEAKER_01
There are guys that I truly am giddy around.
1
SPEAKER_01
There s probably like three.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, and we talked about the fireman.
1
SPEAKER_01
Of course.
1
SPEAKER_01
I am sorry.
1
SPEAKER_01
I know I look like
1
SPEAKER_01
whatever I look like.
1
SPEAKER_02
Guess what?
1
SPEAKER_02
You know what you look like?
1
SPEAKER_02
You look like 70% of the married women in the Midwest.
1
SPEAKER_02
For sure.
1
SPEAKER_01
They all look like dykes.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, me and my friend used to do this game of is that a lesbian or a Midwesterner?
1
SPEAKER_01
Or both.
1
SPEAKER_01
I love men.
1
SPEAKER_01
So do I. And I think, yes, there s nothing more fun than flirting.
1
SPEAKER_01
But I do feel like if it starts to get to a certain point, you might want to be light, just light, be light about it and be like, hey, I ve never ventured into this world, but I really enjoy you.
1
SPEAKER_01
So that s how I ended up married to Stephanie.
1
SPEAKER_01
So we re married with two kids, three cats and a production company.
1
SPEAKER_01
So there you are.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s
1
SPEAKER_02
Rocking.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
So Maya, good luck to you and whoever you choose to flirt with.
1
SPEAKER_01
Sandra, our last listener question comes to us from Pennsylvania.
1
SPEAKER_01
Liv writes, hey Tig, an esteemed guest.
1
SPEAKER_01
What are some helpful methods for forgetting awkward things you did or said during the day so they don t keep you up at night?
1
SPEAKER_01
I m looking for answers that go beyond alcohol, just for my liver s sake.
1
SPEAKER_01
Thanks.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, first of all, you have to examine, is this sort of a pattern in your life?
1
SPEAKER_02
Are you the kind of person who puts your foot in it all the time?
1
SPEAKER_02
It s hard to know exactly what she s referring to.
1
SPEAKER_02
Is this with a stranger?
1
SPEAKER_02
Is this with somebody she s involved with?
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, how do you deal with awkward?
1
SPEAKER_01
I enjoy awkwardness when people are a little like, what is happening?
1
SPEAKER_01
I got that from my mother.
1
SPEAKER_01
How do you deal with it?
1
SPEAKER_02
I m not an awkward person.
1
SPEAKER_02
People may be awkward around me, and I m very good at letting them off the hook.
1
SPEAKER_02
People come up to me as they come up to every performer.
1
SPEAKER_02
and tell their stories or express their emotions or their excitement and gratitude of how you ve influenced them or affected them.
1
SPEAKER_02
And sometimes it is, it s awkward and you just focus and you look at them and you re quiet and you let them talk and you go, yeah, I totally, I totally get it.
1
SPEAKER_02
And you let them off the hook.
1
SPEAKER_02
So for me, it s always more about letting people off the hook.
1
SPEAKER_02
I can walk into almost any situation and take control of it and make it okay for people.
1
SPEAKER_01
I believe that.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, when you say that, you re like, I m not an awkward person.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s like, oh, right.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, you re not.
1
SPEAKER_01
You re not at all.
1
SPEAKER_01
I feel like an odd mix of I m very comfortable with myself, but I also am somehow awkward or find myself in very awkward situations and I embrace it.
1
SPEAKER_01
But I feel comfortable, like I like myself.
1
SPEAKER_01
I feel confident.
1
SPEAKER_01
I feel like I deserve to be places.
1
SPEAKER_01
Of course you do.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, no, not of course.
1
SPEAKER_01
I mean, it s a swirling mix of all of those things.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_01
But I do have those moments, I have to say, where I m walking down the street, and I ll have a memory of something
1
SPEAKER_01
even as comfortable as I am with myself and comfortable as I am with being awkward or in awkward situations, there will be moments that really pushed it a little too far for me.
1
SPEAKER_01
I won t even be thinking about what I had done, but it ll zip through my head.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m like, oh, gosh, why did I do that?
1
SPEAKER_01
And that s what I can only imagine
1
SPEAKER_01
live is experiencing a lot of.
1
SPEAKER_01
You re saying you don t ever have those moments where you re like,   Oh God, I shouldn t have said that.  
1
SPEAKER_01
Where does that come from?
1
SPEAKER_01
That s awesome.
1
SPEAKER_02
I don t know where it comes from.
1
SPEAKER_02
Where does anything come from?
1
SPEAKER_02
It s your nature.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s the way you were raised.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s how you
1
SPEAKER_02
take on people s emotions, how you take on your own emotions.
1
SPEAKER_02
I mean, I think a lot of it has also been informed by being in this business all these years, starting so young, having had so many
1
SPEAKER_02
misogynistic encounters that I just automatically put up this like badass shield.
1
SPEAKER_02
And it s worked for me, but I m also incredibly compassionate and patient and loving and vulnerable.
1
SPEAKER_02
I just, I choose the time and place for those emotions.
1
SPEAKER_02
But walking through life, I m super aware of my surroundings.
1
SPEAKER_02
I am on my game.
1
SPEAKER_02
If I feel any sort of danger, I am all over the
1
SPEAKER_01
Mm-hmm.
1
SPEAKER_01
Love it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, Liv, I would say... This is what I would say.
1
SPEAKER_01
Live and be well.
1
SPEAKER_01
Live, live and be well.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
All right.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, we got your back.
1
SPEAKER_01
Whatever you end up doing, Liv.
1
SPEAKER_01
Sandra, this next and final segment is what we call Come Back to Me Later.
1
SPEAKER_00
Come back to me later.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s funny.
1
SPEAKER_01
Everyone wishes they had the perfect response at the ready for certain social interactions.
1
SPEAKER_01
Come back to me later is the part of the show where we make that wish come true.
1
SPEAKER_01
This request comes to us from a listener named Amanda.
1
SPEAKER_01
Amanda writes, Tig, I don t shave my legs, but once in a blue moon.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m more comfortable this way, and my husband doesn t complain.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yet everyone else in my life needs to comment on how gross my legs are.
1
SPEAKER_01
Whenever given the opportunity, they make a comment about it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Tig, I explain that my legs are clean.
1
SPEAKER_01
I scrub them in the shower every day.
1
SPEAKER_01
I d like to have some wittier comebacks.
1
SPEAKER_01
Thanks.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
Do you shave your legs?
1
SPEAKER_02
Absolutely.
1
SPEAKER_01
Do you think it s gross when people don t?
1
SPEAKER_02
No, I don t think it s gross.
1
SPEAKER_02
I like a smooth leg because I use lotion.
1
SPEAKER_02
I like smooth skin and I want to massage it into my leg.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s exfoliating to shave.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s good for your skin.
1
SPEAKER_01
I love having shaved legs, but it doesn t bother me when people have hair on their legs.
1
SPEAKER_02
I don t want to be in bed with a woman with hairy legs.
1
SPEAKER_02
That s not a turn on to me.
1
SPEAKER_02
I know that s sexist.
1
SPEAKER_02
I know that s whatever it is and strangely hypocritical because I would like a man with hairy legs.
1
SPEAKER_02
But it s the norms, it s what we ve grown up with.
1
SPEAKER_01
You re used to it.
1
SPEAKER_02
I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_02
It just makes sense to me.
1
SPEAKER_02
I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_02
But I don t have any advice for her about her legs or hair or whatever.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s just like, if she s comfortable with it, who s questioning about her hair?
1
SPEAKER_02
Who s accusing her of being dirty because she has hairy legs anyway?
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, I mean, what if she even just said something that confident?
1
SPEAKER_01
If somebody said, oh, something about her legs and she just says, I m comfortable with it.
1
SPEAKER_02
Just tell her to say, I m letting my hair on my legs grow long enough to braid them, and then I m going to cut it off and give it to somebody who has no hair on their legs at all.
1
SPEAKER_01
There you go.
1
SPEAKER_01
You said you had nothing to say.
1
SPEAKER_01
Amanda, that was perfectly whipped up for you.
1
SPEAKER_02
Wait, I have another question for Amanda.
1
SPEAKER_02
Does she trim her pubic hair?
1
SPEAKER_02
I know we can t talk to her.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, but this segment is called Come Back to Me Later.
1
SPEAKER_02
So come back to us later about- Amanda, do you trim your pubic hair?
1
SPEAKER_02
And does your husband like to have oral sex with you?
1
SPEAKER_02
Because that s a difficult situation.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m sorry.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s not fresh.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m not suggesting you have a bikini wax or anything, but I mean, a trimmed bush is a nice thing to do for somebody.
1
SPEAKER_01
I guess we ll just end there.
1
SPEAKER_01
No, we have to end there.
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t want any further discussion after your last statement, Sandra.
1
SPEAKER_01
I want to end the episode right there.
1
SPEAKER_01
It was an absolute pleasure to have you and I am truly such a fan of you as a person and performer.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m just thankful that you took time to hang out with me.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, are you kidding?
1
SPEAKER_02
Everybody loves your podcast.
1
SPEAKER_02
And I was so happy that you finally asked me to come on.
1
SPEAKER_02
I was like, when is Signatario going to ask me to come on her podcast?
1
SPEAKER_02
I don t see any invitations forthcoming.
1
SPEAKER_02
Then suddenly, here I am.
1
SPEAKER_01
Suddenly here you are.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, you ve been somebody that we ve been making our way towards.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m just teasing you.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m thrilled to be here now.
1
SPEAKER_02
And it s the perfect timing for it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Is there anything that you would like to share with the listeners about what s going on with you or upcoming?
1
SPEAKER_02
Yes, I will be at the Parkway Theater in Minneapolis on August 12th.
1
SPEAKER_02
And then I will be in Los Angeles at the Wallace Annenberg Theater on October 19th.
1
SPEAKER_02
Those are my next two for sure dates.
1
SPEAKER_02
Of course, I do my weekly radio show Sandy Land on Sirius XM Thursdays.
1
SPEAKER_01
1pm EST, which I was lucky enough to be a guest on.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
Hello.
1
SPEAKER_01
Thank you again for being on the show.
1
SPEAKER_01
Absolutely.
1
SPEAKER_01
Hi, sweetie.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s what you
2
SPEAKER_01
Don t Ask Tig is hosted by me, Tig Notaro.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s produced by Thomas Ouellette and Shana Deloria.
2
SPEAKER_01
Our executive producer and editor is Beth Perlman.
2
SPEAKER_01
Engineering and sound mixing by Alex Simpson, Derek Ramirez, Josh Savageau, and Evan Clark.
2
SPEAKER_01
Digital production by James Napoli.
2
SPEAKER_01
Talent booking by Marianne Ways.
2
SPEAKER_01
Our theme music is Friend in Tig by Edie Burkell and Kyle Crusham, and Listen to Your Heart by Edie Burkell.
2
SPEAKER_01
Special thanks to Hunter Seidman.
2
SPEAKER_01
APM Studios executives in charge are Chandra Cavati, Alec Shaffert, and Joanne Griffith.
2
SPEAKER_01
Concept developed by Tracy Mumford.
2
SPEAKER_01
Our executive consultant is Dean Capello and Gobsmack Studios.
2
SPEAKER_01
You can always ask for advice at DontAskTig.org.
2
SPEAKER_01
Just write in with your problem or send us a voice memo.
2
SPEAKER_01
Remember to follow us on social media at DontAskTig.
2
SPEAKER_01
DontAskTig is a production of American Public Media.
2
SPEAKER_01
And as always, thanks Dana, and I ll tell Becky.
2
SPEAKER_01
Hi, I m stand-up comedian and sex symbol Tig Notaro.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I m actor and writer Sheryl Hines.
2
SPEAKER_01
Before Sheryl and I got into the big business of podcasting together, we were just simply friends.
2
SPEAKER_00
And we re still friends.
2
SPEAKER_00
But now we talk about a different documentary every week on our podcast, Tig and Sheryl, True Story.
2
SPEAKER_00
So whether you love documentaries or just want to hear us slowly lose our minds, check out Tig and Sheryl, True Story, wherever you get your podcasts.
2
SPEAKER_01
Alright, cool.