0
SPEAKER_07
 Bring a little optimism into your life with The Bright Side, a new kind of daily podcast from Hello Sunshine, hosted by me, Danielle Robay.
0
SPEAKER_07
And me, Simone Boyce.
0
SPEAKER_09
Every weekday, we're bringing you conversations about culture, the latest trends, inspiration, and so much more.
0
SPEAKER_00
I am so excited about this podcast, The Bright Side.
0
SPEAKER_00
You guys are giving people a chance to shine a light on their lives, shine a light on a little advice that they want to share.
0
SPEAKER_05
 Listen to The Bright Side on America's number one podcast network, iHeart.
0
SPEAKER_05
Open your free iHeart app and search The Bright Side.
0
SPEAKER_06
A new season of Bridgerton is here.
0
SPEAKER_06
And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
0
SPEAKER_06
I'm your host, Gabby Collins.
0
SPEAKER_06
And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the tun.
0
SPEAKER_06
Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
0
SPEAKER_06
Then fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast.
0
SPEAKER_06
 on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_06
Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.
0
SPEAKER_08
 like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
0
SPEAKER_10
Let's learn about all of it and then some.
0
SPEAKER_10
Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on America's number one podcast network, iHeart.
0
SPEAKER_10
Open your free iHeart app and search Grown Up Stuff.
0
SPEAKER_01
 Oh my goodness, I have been waiting for this day.
0
SPEAKER_01
Woo!
0
SPEAKER_01
Jay and I are so excited to announce that this fall, we will be launching our very own hot tea brand called, drum roll please, Lussama!
0
SPEAKER_01
Herbal tea has been part of my daily rituals for such a long time now.
0
SPEAKER_01
I choose different teas throughout the day, depending on how my body feels, my mood, my intention.
0
SPEAKER_01
It's really the first thing that I drink in the morning and the last thing that I drink at night.
0
SPEAKER_01
 Luckily, Jay is exactly the same, so we have a moment together every morning, every night, sipping on tea.
0
SPEAKER_01
Over the last year, having a ritual that brings a little moment of peace, comfort and presence has been so important.
0
SPEAKER_01
It reminds me of being at home with my family in London, sitting by the fire, laughing, sipping on tea, which is a feeling I have been missing a lot.
0
SPEAKER_01
 It's been hard to find that feeling of comfort and of acceptance in the chaos lately, but honestly, a cup of tea has most definitely helped.
0
SPEAKER_01
There's so much more I want to share with you, but for now, go ahead and sign up today at samatea.com and enter to win a signed limited edition sampler box full of vibrant, delicious, fantastic teas that will inspire moments of mindfulness.
0
SPEAKER_04
 How many times have you said yes to something just because you want to feel nice?
0
SPEAKER_04
You don't want to feel like a bad, inconsiderate person.
0
SPEAKER_04
Which is amazing because what we're basically saying is we feel like bad, inconsiderate people when we do what is right for us.
0
SPEAKER_04
That's crazy.
0
SPEAKER_04
 Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world.
0
SPEAKER_04
Thanks to each and every single one of you that come back every single week to listen, learn, and grow.
0
SPEAKER_04
I just want to say how grateful I am at all of you sharing the podcast on your Instagram, on Twitter, on Facebook.
0
SPEAKER_04
It's phenomenal for me to see what you're learning from these episodes, what you're gaining from them.
0
SPEAKER_04
 And I want to share with you some amazing reviews that came through this week.
0
SPEAKER_04
This one's from Elizabeth.
0
SPEAKER_04
She rated the podcast 5 stars and said, so inspiring.
0
SPEAKER_04
I never review podcasts, mainly because I've never listened to one that has made such a big impact on my life.
0
SPEAKER_04
I'm always so excited to listen to another podcast of Jay's.
0
SPEAKER_04
 I recently just bought his book, Think Like a Monk, and I highly recommend that as well.
0
SPEAKER_04
Thank you for sharing so much hope and inspiration to a world that desperately needs it.
0
SPEAKER_04
Elizabeth, that was such a generous and beautifully kind review.
0
SPEAKER_04
Thank you so much.
0
SPEAKER_04
This one is from Katherine252.
0
SPEAKER_04
Every episode I've listened to hits home.
0
SPEAKER_04
Every episode has been right on time.
0
SPEAKER_04
Every episode has spoken directly to me.
0
SPEAKER_04
Every episode has been a gift from heaven.
0
SPEAKER_04
 Thank you for being you, and thank you for being an inspiration to the world.
0
SPEAKER_04
That is such a kind message, Catherine.
0
SPEAKER_04
Thank you so, so much.
0
SPEAKER_04
And I'm going to read one more here.
0
SPEAKER_04
One second.
0
SPEAKER_04
I'm just scrolling through.
0
SPEAKER_04
There's so many.
0
SPEAKER_04
There's so many, and some of them are really long, which I really appreciate as well.
0
SPEAKER_04
 This one is from Carly Brooke.
0
SPEAKER_04
I'm so grateful to have found this podcast.
0
SPEAKER_04
I have admired Jay and his work for many years, and I'm so thankful for his service with this podcast.
0
SPEAKER_04
I share this with friends and family all the time to share his teachings.
0
SPEAKER_04
Thank you for helping me to enhance my life on a weekly basis with your shows
0
SPEAKER_04
 and topics.
0
SPEAKER_04
Thank you, Carly.
0
SPEAKER_04
There are so many more I want to read.
0
SPEAKER_04
I just want to let you know we've got over 16,000 reviews now, which is just absolutely incredible.
0
SPEAKER_04
If you haven't left a review and you're listening regularly, please take a moment.
0
SPEAKER_04
It really does help the podcast.
0
SPEAKER_04
So let's dive straight in for today.
0
SPEAKER_04
How many of us feel where people pleases?
0
SPEAKER_04
 How many of you are nodding or raising your hands right now?
0
SPEAKER_04
How many of you feel that you're always saying yes even when you really want to say no?
0
SPEAKER_04
How many of you are nodding right now or have your hand up right now?
0
SPEAKER_04
 How many of you are constantly in situations where you feel like you're going against your values, your priorities, or simply put, just what you need right now?
0
SPEAKER_04
You're like, I know I need to just sleep in.
0
SPEAKER_04
I know I need to recharge this weekend.
0
SPEAKER_04
I know that I really don't want to go out on Friday night.
0
SPEAKER_04
But you still find yourself
0
SPEAKER_04
 Out on that Friday night, out early that morning, sacrificing sleep, sacrificing rest.
0
SPEAKER_04
How many of you find yourself constantly going against what you feel you need on any given day or any given moment?
0
SPEAKER_04
This is the reality of the world we live in for each and every one of us.
0
SPEAKER_04
And by the way, I'm not immune to this either.
0
SPEAKER_04
 I set myself up for these situations all the time, and I've developed this skill and habit of learning to say no over time, and I've definitely got better at it.
0
SPEAKER_04
I think I'm really pretty good at it actually right now, but I still make mistakes.
0
SPEAKER_04
 and I still pay the price.
0
SPEAKER_04
Whether that's feeling unwell, whether it's feeling exhausted during the week, whether it's not feeling like I'm giving my best to the things I really want to give my best to, that's what's really interesting about learning to say no, is that when you say yes to something at your best, you end up doing the thing you actually want to do at your worst.
0
SPEAKER_04
 That's what's so fascinating about it.
0
SPEAKER_04
You say yes to something and you end up doing something you don't want to do at your best, but then you end up doing something you do want to do at your worst.
0
SPEAKER_04
 So if any of you have experienced this, this is the right podcast for you.
0
SPEAKER_04
And I can imagine there's so many of you right now going, yes, Jay, I skipped the gym because of that.
0
SPEAKER_04
I didn't get enough sleep because of that.
0
SPEAKER_04
You know exactly who I'm talking to.
0
SPEAKER_04
You know who you are.
0
SPEAKER_04
So today I want to talk to you about the ways in which we can stop being people pleasers and start setting our own priorities, how we can learn to say no.
0
SPEAKER_04
 Now, I was reading this amazing study that was shared by Psych Central, and they were talking about a psychologist called Dr. Vanessa Bonds.
0
SPEAKER_04
And she wrote in 2016 that many people agree to things, even things they would prefer not to do, simply to avoid the considerable discomfort of saying no.
0
SPEAKER_04
So we have this discomfort, we have this
0
SPEAKER_04
 awkward feeling uncomfortable feeling when we have to say no and we just want to avoid conflict how many of you feel i mean that's a different topic that we'll take on in a future episode about how we all try and avoid conflict but how many of us are just trying to avoid even saying no
0
SPEAKER_04
 So most of us just want to fit in.
0
SPEAKER_04
We don't want to upset someone.
0
SPEAKER_04
We don't want to make someone feel we're not nice.
0
SPEAKER_04
Think about that for a moment.
0
SPEAKER_04
How many times have you said yes to something just because you want to feel nice?
0
SPEAKER_04
You don't want to feel like a bad, inconsiderate person, which is amazing because what we're basically saying is we feel like bad, inconsiderate people
0
SPEAKER_04
 when we do what is right for us, that's crazy, right?
0
SPEAKER_04
Think about that for a moment.
0
SPEAKER_04
We're saying that we feel like bad people.
0
SPEAKER_04
We feel like we're not nice and not good when we do things that make us sad.
0
SPEAKER_04
We're saying that we have to do things we don't want to do to feel good about ourselves, and that if we do things we want to do, we'll feel bad about ourselves.
0
SPEAKER_04
 Think about that for a moment, literally press pause, not on the podcast in your mind.
0
SPEAKER_04
Press pause right now and think about that for a second.
0
SPEAKER_04
How does that make any sense?
0
SPEAKER_04
That we like ourselves more when we do things we don't like.
0
SPEAKER_04
And we dislike ourselves more when we do things we do like.
0
SPEAKER_04
So that doesn't make sense.
0
SPEAKER_04
So what I want to share with you today are seven steps
0
SPEAKER_04
 to learn to say no, to get comfortable in the discomfort of saying no.
0
SPEAKER_04
Because chances are your life's getting busier right now, your social life's coming back stronger than ever, you're getting invited to more events, homes, parties, weddings than ever before, and now you feel some sense of guilt.
0
SPEAKER_04
And that's where I want to start.
0
SPEAKER_04
We shouldn't feel bad or guilty for saying no.
0
SPEAKER_04
 Let's really explore this.
0
SPEAKER_04
Why do we feel bad and guilty?
0
SPEAKER_04
There could be a number of reasons.
0
SPEAKER_04
One of them is we don't want to be seen as the bad guy or the bad girl or the bad person, right?
0
SPEAKER_04
Another one of the reasons we feel guilty is we're like, well, that person would do it for me.
0
SPEAKER_04
They care about me.
0
SPEAKER_04
And here's the question I want you to start asking yourself.
0
SPEAKER_04
Can I go there and can I
0
SPEAKER_04
 give great energy there and still have energy for the week I have set up, for the day I have set up.
0
SPEAKER_04
So when I get asked about something last minute, because usually these things are last minute, right?
0
SPEAKER_04
They never come scheduled in advance.
0
SPEAKER_04
And someone says to me, Jay, do you have time?
0
SPEAKER_04
And everything about me wants to look at my schedule, and I'm looking at my schedule, and I'm going, OK, I'll find the time.
0
SPEAKER_04
That's the time.
0
SPEAKER_04
OK, yeah, maybe I'll squeeze that in there.
0
SPEAKER_04
Maybe I'll do it there.
0
SPEAKER_04
And then I ask myself,
0
SPEAKER_04
 If I took the energy to do that, do I still have the energy to do everything that I already had planned, right?
0
SPEAKER_04
It becomes an energy conversation, not a time conversation.
0
SPEAKER_04
So usually we try to think of ourselves, do I have enough time to squeeze this in?
0
SPEAKER_04
And the problem with thinking about it as time is time, you can squeeze as much as you want into your time.
0
SPEAKER_04
 but you can't squeeze more out of your energy.
0
SPEAKER_04
You can squeeze more in to your time, but you can't squeeze more out of your energy.
0
SPEAKER_04
Squeezing more out of your energy is such a draining thing.
0
SPEAKER_04
 So we shouldn't feel bad and guilty for saying no, because chances are we're going to feel worse if we say yes.
0
SPEAKER_04
If we say yes, we're going to feel drained.
0
SPEAKER_04
We're going to feel energy-less.
0
SPEAKER_04
And what ends up happening is we often reflect that negativity after that experience onto the person who, in air quotes, made us do that.
0
SPEAKER_04
 Right?
0
SPEAKER_04
So now not only are we unhappy with what we did with our time, not only are we drained of energy, we now have a negative view towards that person.
0
SPEAKER_04
So now we've potentially ruined our relationship with that person because now we just see them as a burden.
0
SPEAKER_04
So feeling bad and guilty for saying no needs to go because chances are you're going to feel worse after saying yes.
0
SPEAKER_04
 And the reason why we feel bad and guilty and why we need to be okay with potentially even feeling bad and guilty is knowing that we can then work on feeling better.
0
SPEAKER_04
We know we can come back and offer more support, more help to that person.
0
SPEAKER_04
So I'll give you an example.
0
SPEAKER_04
Let's say one of your friends says to you, hey, I really need to talk right now.
0
SPEAKER_04
And let's say it's 10 p.m.
0
SPEAKER_04
and you just
0
SPEAKER_04
 found the space to rest and relax and get into bed early.
0
SPEAKER_04
You might say to that person, Hey, I would love to talk to you.
0
SPEAKER_04
This is really important to me, but let's connect tomorrow morning.
0
SPEAKER_04
Right.
0
SPEAKER_04
And they may say, well, you know, I really need to talk to you though.
0
SPEAKER_04
Like this is really, really important to me.
0
SPEAKER_04
And you can say, yeah, I'm sure it is important to you.
0
SPEAKER_04
And I value that, but I will only be able to deal with it with my full attention and my full focus tomorrow morning.
0
SPEAKER_04
Notice the difference.
0
SPEAKER_04
 Right?
0
SPEAKER_04
You're saying, no, I can't talk right now.
0
SPEAKER_04
But you're also saying, it's not because your life's not important.
0
SPEAKER_04
It's not because you aren't important.
0
SPEAKER_04
It's because I can't deal with something important right now.
0
SPEAKER_04
Look at the difference in how that's phrased.
0
SPEAKER_04
Right?
0
SPEAKER_04
Saying, no, I don't want to do it can make the other person feel bad.
0
SPEAKER_04
And that's what we're scared of.
0
SPEAKER_04
We're scared of making them feel bad.
0
SPEAKER_04
The way you make someone feel bad is you make them feel that their feelings are unheard, empty, or unimportant.
0
SPEAKER_04
 But if you say no by saying, I know your feelings are important.
0
SPEAKER_04
I get it that this is important to you.
0
SPEAKER_04
But I haven't got the energy right now to serve you properly, to help you properly, to be a support for you.
0
SPEAKER_04
And I want to be that.
0
SPEAKER_04
Please give me this time.
0
SPEAKER_04
 That's going to at least help you stop feeling bad and guilty about saying it because you're honoring that person.
0
SPEAKER_04
The second thing that I really want to talk about is don't say no without actually saying no.
0
SPEAKER_04
So sometimes what we try and do is give answers like, let me get back to you.
0
SPEAKER_04
 And really in our head, what we're thinking is, no, I do not want to do that.
0
SPEAKER_04
And we're like, oh, let me get back to you.
0
SPEAKER_04
Or we say, maybe, maybe let's talk about it, right?
0
SPEAKER_04
And you're thinking no in your head.
0
SPEAKER_04
And now what happens?
0
SPEAKER_04
You forget about it.
0
SPEAKER_04
And three days later, that person messages you again and says, so what, should we do it?
0
SPEAKER_04
Should we do it now?
0
SPEAKER_04
Are you okay with it?
0
SPEAKER_04
Now they already feel that you somewhat gave it headspace, that you thought about it, but you in your head were thinking no.
0
SPEAKER_04
 There's an incredible quote from Gandhi, I believe, that says that harmony and peace exist when what we think, what we say, and what we do are aligned.
0
SPEAKER_04
How many of you have ever experienced that you're thinking one thing, but you say another?
0
SPEAKER_04
How many of you have ever experienced where you say something, but you do something totally different?
0
SPEAKER_04
 See, the more disconnect between what we think, what we say, and what we do, the more friction that exists in our mind, the more friction that exists in our life.
0
SPEAKER_04
So I don't want you to avoid saying no and use another way of saying no, right?
0
SPEAKER_04
There's no point in that.
0
SPEAKER_04
 I know that for me, saying no has become more comfortable as I've actually started saying the words, because then people at least know where they're at and where I'm at.
0
SPEAKER_04
If you say, maybe, I'll think about it, I'll let you know, let's figure it out.
0
SPEAKER_04
If you use any of those words apart from, no, I can't do it, I'm sorry, then people still have hope.
0
SPEAKER_04
They still feel like this is going somewhere.
0
SPEAKER_04
 And you're feeding that.
0
SPEAKER_04
It's almost like leading someone on, right?
0
SPEAKER_04
It's like leading someone on in a relationship.
0
SPEAKER_04
And then three months later, someone says, well, why didn't you just tell me you weren't interested?
0
SPEAKER_04
How would you feel about that?
0
SPEAKER_04
And sometimes we lead people on in our lives because we're scared of saying no.
0
SPEAKER_09
 When you find that bright spot to help you get through your day, it's powerful.
0
SPEAKER_07
That's where The Bright Side comes in.
0
SPEAKER_07
A new daily podcast from Hello Sunshine that's bringing you a daily dose of joy.
0
SPEAKER_07
I'm Danielle Robay.
0
SPEAKER_07
And I'm Simone Boyce.
0
SPEAKER_09
Listen, both Danielle and I are reporters.
0
SPEAKER_09
We've covered the news and we know the world can feel heavy, but The Bright Side podcast is a space to have a little fun, to learn something new and get into some friendly debates.
0
SPEAKER_07
 That's right.
0
SPEAKER_07
Join us five days a week to see how life can look from the bright side.
0
SPEAKER_09
We'll hear from celebrities, authors, experts and listeners like you, whether it's relationships, friend advice or figuring out how to navigate life's transitions.
0
SPEAKER_09
We'll talk through it all together.
0
SPEAKER_07
Listen to the bright side from Hello Sunshine every weekday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_03
 Parents, ready to discover a new educational and interactive podcast for kids?
0
SPEAKER_03
Join Stories for Kids by Lingokids, where episodes are packed with fun activities.
0
SPEAKER_03
Right, Elliot?
0
SPEAKER_03
Oh, yes!
0
SPEAKER_03
We learned how to recycle at the beach.
0
SPEAKER_03
 That was great fun!
0
SPEAKER_03
Cowie, what do you say?
0
SPEAKER_10
It was!
0
SPEAKER_10
And that time when we did the science experiment and Billy made raisins dance!
0
SPEAKER_10
That is so cool, Billy!
0
SPEAKER_03
He did!
0
SPEAKER_03
Not to mention when a certain Elliot took up swimming classes with Lisa.
0
SPEAKER_03
That was me!
0
SPEAKER_03
Bet you can't catch me!
0
SPEAKER_03
I'm going to get you!
0
SPEAKER_03
 All this fun and more in our Stories for Kids.
0
SPEAKER_03
Lingokid's Stories for Kids is now available on Story Button, the kid-friendly device for screenless podcast listening.
0
SPEAKER_03
Listen to Stories for Kids on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_02
Guess what, Bango?
0
SPEAKER_02
What's up, Will?
0
SPEAKER_02
So iHeart is giving us a whole minute to promote our podcast, Part-Time Genius.
0
SPEAKER_11
 I know, that's why I spent my whole week composing a haiku for the occasion.
0
SPEAKER_11
It's about my emotional journey in podcasting over the last seven years, and it's called Earthquake House.
0
SPEAKER_02
Mango, I'm gonna cut you off right there.
0
SPEAKER_11
Why don't we just tell people about our show instead?
0
SPEAKER_11
Yeah, that's a better idea.
0
SPEAKER_11
So every week on Part-Time Genius, we feed our curiosity by answering the world's most important questions.
0
SPEAKER_11
Things like, when did America start dialing 911?
0
SPEAKER_11
Is William Shatner's best acting work in Esperanto?
0
SPEAKER_11
Also, what happened to Esperanto?
0
SPEAKER_02
 Plus, we cover questions like how Chinese is your Chinese food?
0
SPEAKER_02
How do dollar stores stay in business?
0
SPEAKER_02
And of course, is there an Illuminati of cheese?
0
SPEAKER_11
There absolutely is.
0
SPEAKER_11
And we are risking our lives by talking about it.
0
SPEAKER_11
But if you love mind-blowing facts, incredible history and really bad jokes, make your brains happy and tune in to Part-Time Genius.
0
SPEAKER_02
Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_04
 We're scared of saying no, so don't say no without saying it.
0
SPEAKER_04
Use the words.
0
SPEAKER_04
Say, no, I'm sorry, I can't do that.
0
SPEAKER_04
Be really clear.
0
SPEAKER_04
Be really transparent.
0
SPEAKER_04
Don't leave it up to someone's imagination or
0
SPEAKER_04
 someone's perspective and let them find their own way of understanding it or trying to get people to read in between the lines, use the words.
0
SPEAKER_04
The third step I want to say to you is know why you're saying no.
0
SPEAKER_04
It's hard to say no when you actually don't know what you are going to do with that time or that energy or that space.
0
SPEAKER_04
So if someone says to you, hey, I'd love to talk to you right now, and your response is,
0
SPEAKER_04
 I'm not sure, or I don't know, it's because you have not thought about why you're saying no.
0
SPEAKER_04
 And reflecting on why you say no is just a really good habit because it also helps you understand yourself and understand people.
0
SPEAKER_04
For example, sometimes an opportunity could come from two different people and it's the same opportunity, but you say yes to one person because you love their energy and you say no to the others because you realize you don't actually love hanging out with that person.
0
SPEAKER_04
 There's nothing wrong in that, but if you understand that, you can strengthen that feeling of choice.
0
SPEAKER_04
You start to strengthen your choice-making ability.
0
SPEAKER_04
See, how many of us are indecisive?
0
SPEAKER_04
How many of us struggle to figure out what we're doing?
0
SPEAKER_04
It's because we don't know why we say no or why we say yes.
0
SPEAKER_04
 So I'll give an example.
0
SPEAKER_04
I have been saying no to going on a lot of podcasts and interviews recently because I did a lot of interviews when Think Like a Monk was released.
0
SPEAKER_04
I really enjoyed them.
0
SPEAKER_04
And right now, as I'm writing again, as I'm creating more of my own podcasts again, I've just been wanting that time.
0
SPEAKER_04
And I've just been saying, hey, this is why.
0
SPEAKER_04
But if I just said no, I would have felt that
0
SPEAKER_04
 I was just being snobby.
0
SPEAKER_04
I would have started judging myself, which is not true at all.
0
SPEAKER_04
I'm not trying to be awkward.
0
SPEAKER_04
I just know that I need some time for myself.
0
SPEAKER_04
When I say no to someone, it's because I need to rest.
0
SPEAKER_04
I've been saying to a lot of people recently that my weekends have all become about preservation.
0
SPEAKER_04
I'm giving myself so much throughout the week that on the weekend I need to take some time out for myself.
0
SPEAKER_04
 Radhi and I have been going to do cold plunges and saunas and sensory deprivation tanks.
0
SPEAKER_04
And I'll be sharing a lot more about that in the podcast in upcoming episodes as well.
0
SPEAKER_04
But I've been really trying to find deeper and more powerful ways to rest my mind and body.
0
SPEAKER_04
And I've been feeling so much more fulfilled and thriving when I come back.
0
SPEAKER_04
It's knowing why you're saying no.
0
SPEAKER_04
 So next time you want to say no but can't say it, don't force yourself to say it.
0
SPEAKER_04
Ask yourself, why am I saying no?
0
SPEAKER_04
Why do I feel like saying no?
0
SPEAKER_04
And then explain that to someone in the way they can digest it.
0
SPEAKER_04
And always make it about you.
0
SPEAKER_04
Don't make it about them because it is about you.
0
SPEAKER_04
Even if it's like you, even if the truth is you're like, oh, I don't like their energy or, you know, I'm not sure they're the right person.
0
SPEAKER_04
 You may not want to say that because that raises conflict and issues, and you may not have a relationship to say that to someone, but you may say no to them along the lines of like, I'm not in the right energetic space.
0
SPEAKER_04
Like, I don't think that's going to be a great idea for me and for what I'm focusing on right now.
0
SPEAKER_04
And I've noticed that even though it can hurt people in the moment, it's a lot more hurtful to lead someone on and then say no.
0
SPEAKER_04
And that's what we forget.
0
SPEAKER_04
Even in breakups, even if you apply this to breakups,
0
SPEAKER_04
 People are going to be hurt if you break up after a month, if they're really feeling it.
0
SPEAKER_04
But they'll be a lot more heartbroken after a year.
0
SPEAKER_04
And I know so many people who wait way too long to break up with people.
0
SPEAKER_04
I remember being with someone once, and I wanted to break up after about six months.
0
SPEAKER_04
And I stayed in that relationship for one year and six months, trying to make it work, trying to figure it out.
0
SPEAKER_04
I didn't want to be the bad guy.
0
SPEAKER_04
I wasn't sure.
0
SPEAKER_04
And then one year and six months later when you break up, that's so much harder.
0
SPEAKER_04
 for that person.
0
SPEAKER_04
And that was the time I realized, from now on, I'm going to be really upfront with people.
0
SPEAKER_04
Okay, number four in learning how to say no is being really clear about when you say no.
0
SPEAKER_04
So when you say no is when something's against your values, against your priorities, against your mental health.
0
SPEAKER_04
 These are really, really important considerations.
0
SPEAKER_04
If saying yes to something else is going to make you say no to yourself, chances are that you don't want to do it, right?
0
SPEAKER_04
And a really great example of this, this week I wrote an op-ed for Women's Health, and I wrote about Simone Biles.
0
SPEAKER_04
 And we just saw someone at the very peak, in one of the most difficult scenarios, global occasions in the world, say no.
0
SPEAKER_04
Simone Biles didn't step out of bounds.
0
SPEAKER_04
She redrew the lines for us all.
0
SPEAKER_04
I'm reading from my op-ed that I wrote because I want you to hear what I had to say about it.
0
SPEAKER_04
Imagine the pressure of an entire nation on your shoulders while you're also bearing the physical and emotional wounds of the past.
0
SPEAKER_04
 Now add the ever-present strain of being a highly visible black woman in a world that has very narrow, very defined expectations of how she should behave.
0
SPEAKER_04
 I use the word behave purposely because in the same way that Simone Biles has trained hundreds and thousands of times to perform without putting so much as a toe out of line, she has had to perform similarly in perhaps every other public-facing part of her life since she became a gymnastics star destined to be crowned the greatest of all time.
0
SPEAKER_04
 Right now, at this year's Olympics, Bowes was tasked not only with securing gold for her country, but with trying to lift the reputation of an entire team and sport, and with the backdrop of a global pandemic.
0
SPEAKER_04
It was the making of a heroine's story, the kind of tale of perseverance and success against all odds that we crave from sport in general, and the Olympics in particular.
0
SPEAKER_04
Instead, Bowes opted to rewrite the narrative entirely.
0
SPEAKER_04
 Though we can't understand exactly what it's like to be Simone Biles' place, so many of us do know all too well what it's like to struggle with mental health.
0
SPEAKER_04
When Simone prioritized her well-being, it was the start of something revolutionary.
0
SPEAKER_04
This moment, the moment when Simone Biles stepped into the spotlight not to perform but to say, no, not today, to prioritize herself and her own well-being, was the start of something special.
0
SPEAKER_04
 She didn't quit.
0
SPEAKER_04
She didn't let anyone down.
0
SPEAKER_04
She made the choice for herself and her well-being.
0
SPEAKER_04
And when we see someone say no on such a global stage, we get to see no doesn't mean quitting.
0
SPEAKER_04
No doesn't mean never.
0
SPEAKER_04
She came back and won a bronze medal.
0
SPEAKER_04
And so we have to really think about how if something is bad for our values, our priorities, or our mental health,
0
SPEAKER_04
 it can't be the right decision.
0
SPEAKER_04
Because even if you help someone now, even if you solve the issue now, even if you avoid conflict now, you're creating it a lot more for yourself in the future.
0
SPEAKER_04
That's what we forget.
0
SPEAKER_04
You solve the short-term and create massive long-term implication.
0
SPEAKER_04
 Now, the fifth step in learning to say no is thanking the person, thanking the person for the opportunity, thanking the person for the interest when you get invited to do something.
0
SPEAKER_04
Maybe there was a time in your life where you dreamed of invites like this, where all you wanted was opportunities like this.
0
SPEAKER_04
I remember there were times in my life where I would have really wanted to be invited to some of the places I get invited to, and it's so easy to become ungrateful.
0
SPEAKER_04
 But to actually treat everything with gratitude, to really write to someone and say, thank you so much for the interest.
0
SPEAKER_04
I'm so grateful you thought of me.
0
SPEAKER_04
I often say that to people because I really mean it.