0
SPEAKER_00
Knowing how to speak and understand a new language can be an invaluable tool when traveling, meeting new friends, or just even to master a new skill.
0
SPEAKER_00
But it s not always simple when you re bogged down by textbooks and structure classes.
0
SPEAKER_00
That s why so many people trust Rosetta Stone.
0
SPEAKER_00
Rosetta Stone is the most trusted language learning program available on desktop or as an app.
0
SPEAKER_00
It truly immerses you in the language you want to learn, like Spanish, French, Italian, Chinese, and more.
0
SPEAKER_00
You won t just be studying English translations.
0
SPEAKER_00
The Rosetta Stone intuitive process
0
SPEAKER_00
helps you pick up a language naturally, first with words, then phrases, then sentences.
0
SPEAKER_00
Don t put off learning that language.
0
SPEAKER_00
There s no better time than right now to get started.
0
SPEAKER_00
For a very limited time, listeners can get Rosetta Stone s lifetime membership for 50% off.
0
SPEAKER_00
Visit rosettastone.com slash rs10.
0
SPEAKER_00
That s 50% off unlimited access to 25 language courses for the rest of your life.
0
SPEAKER_00
Redeem your 50% off at rosettastone.com slash rs10 today.
0
SPEAKER_01
People wanna watch a baseball game.
0
SPEAKER_01
They don t wanna see a gawk.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, like this.
0
SPEAKER_02
You re getting yelled at by the umpire.
0
SPEAKER_02
You have a boner?
0
SPEAKER_02
He s like, I don t know, I m nervous.
0
SPEAKER_02
Why do you want see-through pants?
0
SPEAKER_02
I don t want anyone to see my anything.
0
SPEAKER_01
This just in, right before I got on this Zoom.
0
SPEAKER_01
Oprah Winfrey has stepped down from the board of Weight Watchers.
0
SPEAKER_01
after coming out as an Ozempic user.
0
SPEAKER_01
And she said, after 40 years heroically trying to fight it, Oprah, 40 years, she said, it s not about willpower, it starts in the brain.
0
SPEAKER_01
So what are you going to do?
0
SPEAKER_01
You re going to weigh food for a decade or just quiet down that part of your brain that says cookie, cookie, cookie.
0
SPEAKER_01
So anyway, good on Oprah.
0
SPEAKER_01
Congratulations.
0
SPEAKER_01
She stepped down on the scale at the scale.
0
SPEAKER_01
She doesn t need it anymore.
0
SPEAKER_01
That s so like when you re at a party.
0
SPEAKER_01
Oh, there she is right now.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
You re at a party, David.
0
SPEAKER_01
You re just thinking Tito s neat.
0
SPEAKER_01
Tito s neat.
0
SPEAKER_02
Tito s cookie.
0
SPEAKER_02
Tito s Tito s.
0
SPEAKER_01
She s cookie, cookie, cookie, Tito.
0
SPEAKER_01
But anyway, she stepped down.
0
SPEAKER_01
Good.
0
SPEAKER_01
That was a nice, fast grab on.
0
SPEAKER_01
That was pretty good.
0
SPEAKER_01
Put that image up.
0
SPEAKER_02
You know, that was when I when I m at a party, I m like Tito s Tito s.
0
SPEAKER_02
But it s usually because I m sitting with Tito Jackson.
0
SPEAKER_02
from the Jackson.
0
SPEAKER_02
So dumb.
0
SPEAKER_01
Why does my forehead?
0
SPEAKER_01
I m thinking I m thinking I m thinking Corona Corona because I m sitting with Bob Corona.
0
SPEAKER_01
There you go.
0
SPEAKER_01
Or Billy Sapporo.
0
SPEAKER_01
I don t.
0
SPEAKER_01
We have to do our framing.
0
SPEAKER_01
This is just a couple of fucking.
0
SPEAKER_02
I think that was the number one comment.
0
SPEAKER_02
Like, yeah, the shaking.
0
SPEAKER_02
Cancel him.
0
SPEAKER_02
Earthquake.
0
SPEAKER_01
Well, and again, I should point out that that s a long bit that the topper is where did the Japanese accent come from?
0
SPEAKER_01
Because for two million years, nobody had language.
0
SPEAKER_01
Everybody pointed and grunted.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I happened to do the Japanese.
0
SPEAKER_01
The French one is that some French guy was sitting around talking to people going, but pointing at the water.
0
SPEAKER_01
And then that sort of cocky disdain came through because they couldn t get it.
0
SPEAKER_01
So that s where the French accent came for.
0
SPEAKER_01
My people, the Scandinavians, aren t very bright.
0
SPEAKER_01
So they re like, you re different.
0
SPEAKER_01
So that s I mean, I m I m just stating the obvious.
0
SPEAKER_01
Let s go back to Oprah.
0
SPEAKER_01
I m so happy for her.
0
SPEAKER_02
Anyway, I was she was she saying, look, I give up on trying.
0
SPEAKER_02
I m just taking a drug now.
0
SPEAKER_01
Well, or you could call her medication.
0
SPEAKER_01
My cholesterol was 6,000 until I took a pill.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s just progress.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s progress.
0
SPEAKER_01
It does help you from doing all the hard work.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
The dopamine response is just talking to you, talking to you.
0
SPEAKER_01
And so you have to just white knuckle it rather than take a little pill, David.
0
SPEAKER_02
Well, food is fun.
0
SPEAKER_02
I agree.
0
SPEAKER_02
Food is fun.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, you want to control it, not have it control you.
0
SPEAKER_01
That s the title of my new book.
0
SPEAKER_01
By the way, so Biden comes out.
0
SPEAKER_01
You know the White House doctor?
0
SPEAKER_01
said he didn t give him a cognitive test because he, quote, didn t need it.
0
SPEAKER_01
And he s strong as an ox and ready to go.
0
SPEAKER_01
No, but the doctor he hired.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
Well, no, it s just but it s not even Biden and that doctor.
0
SPEAKER_01
What is the doctor supposed to say?
0
SPEAKER_01
Come out to the press.
0
SPEAKER_01
What do you think of the leader of the free world?
0
SPEAKER_01
Not looking good, man.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s not.
0
SPEAKER_01
Not what I hoped.
0
SPEAKER_01
Can he make it?
0
SPEAKER_01
I think so.
0
SPEAKER_01
We re going to pack him in ice twice a day for circulation.
0
SPEAKER_01
We ll give him an IV drip of Prevagan, and we ll probably get him in a special suit that ll inflate in case of a fall.
0
SPEAKER_01
And then we ll get a AI chip in his head so he has cognitive bubble.
0
SPEAKER_02
Anyway, he wears a suit that blows up when he falls down, so he doesn t get hurt.
0
SPEAKER_01
They have the technology to have a suit that will just detect, you know.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_02
It s a great idea, actually.
0
SPEAKER_01
Well, I m fit and able to carry out the duty, so that kind of ends the whole Biden s not good enough, strong enough.
0
SPEAKER_01
I like it.
0
SPEAKER_02
We re just not we just don t even believe our eyes.
0
SPEAKER_02
The doctors, I could give him an eyeball test.
0
SPEAKER_02
I don t even have to be a doctor.
0
SPEAKER_02
I m just like, stay inside.
0
SPEAKER_02
Let someone else order for you at Wendy s.
0
SPEAKER_02
And just relax.
0
SPEAKER_01
Well, this is this is another rumor that I don t know if it s true, but Biden and Trump were at the border today, actually.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I guess they kind of ran into each other and they decided to run together because they re so hated.
0
SPEAKER_01
So they ve joined forces to run as a. Nobody likes us, Joe.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, we re going to do it together.
0
SPEAKER_01
Two of us, two of us will take over 40 percent of the vote.
0
SPEAKER_01
We re going to do it together, Joe.
0
SPEAKER_01
We got to do it.
0
SPEAKER_01
I won t even do the bit.
0
SPEAKER_01
But anyway, that s I like it.
0
SPEAKER_01
It was good.
0
SPEAKER_01
I m out of bits.
0
SPEAKER_02
No, we don t do bits on this show.
0
SPEAKER_02
We talk, we chat, we laugh.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_02
I will tell you about my weekend.
0
SPEAKER_02
I am.
0
SPEAKER_02
I decide to support the arts.
0
SPEAKER_02
I like to go to a movie at the Grove now and then.
0
SPEAKER_02
And I go to the Grove to see Argyle.
0
SPEAKER_02
Now, before you say anything,
0
SPEAKER_02
I said, you know, Argyle has cool people in it.
0
SPEAKER_02
I just saw the poster and I didn t even look that long.
0
SPEAKER_02
I go, I m just going to see it.
0
SPEAKER_02
That s how I do it.
0
SPEAKER_02
I don t watch the preview.
0
SPEAKER_02
Really?
0
SPEAKER_02
I don t want to figure out the three good parts of it.
0
SPEAKER_02
I don t want to see those because if it s bad, I don t want to see the only good part.
0
SPEAKER_02
So I thought, it looks cool.
0
SPEAKER_02
I ll just see it.
0
SPEAKER_02
So on a night off, I grab a buddy.
0
SPEAKER_02
I said, let s just go see Argyle.
0
SPEAKER_02
I ve kept myself away from any information about it.
0
SPEAKER_02
Right.
0
SPEAKER_02
So I go.
0
SPEAKER_02
and it s raining, so I valet at the Grove and the guy goes, Mr. David, what, how long are you going to be?
0
SPEAKER_02
And I said, well, I m going to do dinner and a movie.
0
SPEAKER_02
And he goes, oh, what movie?
0
SPEAKER_02
And and before I say anything, I don t want any spoilers.
0
SPEAKER_01
I don t worry about the tickets.
0
SPEAKER_02
Go.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_02
I ve already bought the tickets all set up.
0
SPEAKER_02
So I say, oh, I don t want to know anything.
0
SPEAKER_02
And he goes, no, no.
0
SPEAKER_02
And I go, Argyle.
0
SPEAKER_02
And he goes.
0
SPEAKER_02
OK, good, good.
0
SPEAKER_02
Have fun. 
0
SPEAKER_02
And I m like, you paused.
0
SPEAKER_02
I don t want a glowing review, but I don t want a not review.
0
SPEAKER_02
The not review was even worse.
0
SPEAKER_02
He just goes.
0
SPEAKER_02
Okay, well, have fun.
0
SPEAKER_02
I m like, I don t like it, right?
0
SPEAKER_02
So then I go to Cheesecake Factory, and the same goddamn thing.
0
SPEAKER_02
There s a waiter there that sees every movie, and he always asks me, but he knows.
0
SPEAKER_02
So he goes, hey, you going to the movies tonight?
0
SPEAKER_02
And I go, yes, but you know the deal.
0
SPEAKER_02
And he goes, mm-hmm.
0
SPEAKER_02
He goes, what are you gonna see?
0
SPEAKER_02
And I go, Argyle, and he goes,
0
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
0
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
0
SPEAKER_02
Uh, so you re going to have, you re going to have fun.
0
SPEAKER_02
And I m like, it s sickening.
0
SPEAKER_02
Cause I, now I m already getting a vibe, right?
0
SPEAKER_02
I m already, no one s rating.
0
SPEAKER_02
No one.
0
SPEAKER_02
Cause I have before said, Oh, I m seeing Dune or something.
0
SPEAKER_02
And they go, you re going to love it.
0
SPEAKER_02
I m sorry.
0
SPEAKER_02
You re going to love it.
0
SPEAKER_02
I m sorry.
0
SPEAKER_02
It ll be good.
0
SPEAKER_01
I ll just insert this.
0
SPEAKER_01
I ve never heard of Argyle didn t.
0
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
0
SPEAKER_02
It didn t jump off the charts.
0
SPEAKER_01
Wasn t there a Ben... I thought there was a movie called Argyle in 2008, Ben Affleck directed, but maybe not.
0
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
0
SPEAKER_02
Oh, no, that was Argo.
0
SPEAKER_01
Argo.
0
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
0
SPEAKER_01
All right.
0
SPEAKER_01
So I m not...
0
SPEAKER_02
So this is our guile, which should have been Argo.
0
SPEAKER_02
I liked Argo.
0
SPEAKER_02
So the third step of this is I m going into the grove, and there s a bar there, and I forgot they have a bar, and so I m a little bit of a boozy Susie.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, so I go in, I say I might have a few Nocs.
0
SPEAKER_01
Someone just won a prize.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, Tito s, I go, let me go in.
0
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
0
SPEAKER_02
So I just go, shit, I m just gonna grab thy Coke and a drink,
1
SPEAKER_02
I didn t even plan.
1
SPEAKER_03
We ve already had a great time.
1
SPEAKER_02
This is go.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s the whole idea of going to movies is fun.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
Zone out.
1
SPEAKER_02
So they go, oh, 20 bucks.
1
SPEAKER_02
And this is what happens, Dana.
1
SPEAKER_02
Slow motion.
1
SPEAKER_02
I go to sign the thing, give that hefty two percent tip and then 20.
1
SPEAKER_03
She goes.
1
SPEAKER_02
Is it 20 now?
1
SPEAKER_02
Two is more than enough.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m kidding.
1
SPEAKER_02
So I go, Dane, I ve been with you.
1
SPEAKER_02
You give like 120.
1
SPEAKER_02
I tip a lot.
1
SPEAKER_03
I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_03
I grew up poor.
1
SPEAKER_02
I know.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, I tip good.
1
SPEAKER_02
So I said, I go, here you go.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m signing.
1
SPEAKER_02
And I m looking down and not paying attention.
1
SPEAKER_02
She goes, oh, what movie are you seeing?
1
SPEAKER_02
And I go, Argyle.
1
SPEAKER_02
And she goes, oof.
1
SPEAKER_02
I go, because I didn t give her any warning.
1
SPEAKER_02
And I go, what?
1
SPEAKER_02
And she goes, that thing fucking sucked.
1
SPEAKER_02
I go, God damn, I was almost in the theater.
1
SPEAKER_02
And this person on the left field, I go, oh, come on, I m going to see the movie.
1
SPEAKER_02
You can t say that to people.
1
SPEAKER_02
And she goes, well, I mean, it s long.
1
SPEAKER_02
Why is that positive?
1
SPEAKER_02
Is that all you can come up with?
1
SPEAKER_02
It s long.
1
SPEAKER_02
And then she goes, it s good cinema.
1
SPEAKER_02
You know, it s a fun ride.
1
SPEAKER_02
You want to have a fun ride?
1
SPEAKER_03
Well, let me just insert this.
1
SPEAKER_03
There s one thing worse than that.
1
SPEAKER_03
And that s when everyone says, man, oh fuck, man.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s one of the best movies ever made.
1
SPEAKER_03
Oh yeah, they overhyped it.
1
SPEAKER_03
I was in a theater with Dennis Miller in New York.
1
SPEAKER_03
I may have said this on some podcast with you, but right, we re seeing Field of Dreams, which is a great movie with Kevin Costner.
1
SPEAKER_03
But as it goes down, right as it goes down, Dennis goes, one of the best movies I ve ever seen in my life.
1
SPEAKER_03
And then in the beginning, I m going, is this the best movie I ve ever seen?
1
SPEAKER_03
It s really good.
1
SPEAKER_03
So it s great.
1
SPEAKER_03
They said it sucks.
1
SPEAKER_03
So finish your story, because my suspicion is you loved it.
1
SPEAKER_03
Go ahead.
1
SPEAKER_02
That kind of was the story.
1
SPEAKER_02
It did suck.
1
SPEAKER_02
But it was kind of fun because I said, now, like you said, I knew I d hate it.
1
SPEAKER_02
And then I go, it s not bad, it s kind of goofy and stupid, but it was more, and that might have been my lesson in life.
1
SPEAKER_02
She undercut it, took my legs out, I walked in going.
1
SPEAKER_02
I already paid for the ticket.
1
SPEAKER_02
Come on, Argo.
1
SPEAKER_02
I know you re bad, Argyle. 
1
SPEAKER_02
And then I started to go, it s like listening to the song, I go, it s not bad.
1
SPEAKER_02
So I expect that, but it was, and it costs like $200 quillion.
1
SPEAKER_02
I go, that s why they re mad.
1
SPEAKER_02
It wasn t bad, but for 200.
1
SPEAKER_03
Listen, here s my point about movies.
1
SPEAKER_03
99% of it, because my guilty pleasure was always 10 a.m.
1
SPEAKER_03
matinees.
1
SPEAKER_03
You re in a dark room, pitch black.
1
SPEAKER_03
No one s around you.
1
SPEAKER_03
No one s talking.
1
SPEAKER_03
You have to turn your phone off.
1
SPEAKER_03
And then there s colored pictures and voices and things moving around.
1
SPEAKER_03
I like it.
1
SPEAKER_03
That s that s just the one percent.
1
SPEAKER_03
The other thing is like, OK, I m here.
1
SPEAKER_03
I can t fucking do anything because every other second in life.
1
SPEAKER_03
This is really this is a wisdom alert.
1
SPEAKER_03
This thing controls you.
1
SPEAKER_03
So it s so beautiful right now.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s off.
1
SPEAKER_03
I checked it right before and I ll check it out.
1
SPEAKER_02
Hang on.
1
SPEAKER_03
Do you mind?
1
SPEAKER_03
I don t sometimes, even though I ve known you a long time, I get just a tiny bit starstruck.
1
SPEAKER_03
Can I just do a quick selfie?
1
SPEAKER_03
Just a big, big David Spade smile.
1
SPEAKER_03
OK.
1
SPEAKER_02
I thought you were taking a selfie of yourself.
1
SPEAKER_03
You had a really nice time.
1
SPEAKER_03
I had a problem.
1
SPEAKER_03
Well, two things happened.
1
SPEAKER_03
I hike out on these desolate roads in the forest, and it s just me, and then you see all these cows, and they re 1,000 pounds, even though they re gentle, but I didn t know how you re supposed to approach cows.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s like 20 giant cows, and it s just me walking by myself.
1
SPEAKER_03
So I start going, whoo-hoo, clapping and whistling like they re dogs, and they literally are so scared, they dive off almost a cliff.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, no.
1
SPEAKER_02
They re like, whoo, down these cliffs.
1
SPEAKER_03
Why?
1
SPEAKER_03
So then I was told don t get eye contact with them.
1
SPEAKER_03
So now when I see a whole bunch of them right on the road, I just put my head down and I walk really slowly.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s like a spy movie.
1
SPEAKER_03
I don t want to hit a button or something.
1
SPEAKER_03
And I go right past them.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s been beautiful.
1
SPEAKER_02
You basically have to act like a cow.
1
SPEAKER_03
But then I saw a woman, a middle-aged woman who was squatting with her trousers down behind a little tiny, little tiny tree.
1
SPEAKER_03
And I come up on her.
1
SPEAKER_03
No one s around, you know.
1
SPEAKER_03
What s up?
1
SPEAKER_03
I was trying to get by her.
1
SPEAKER_03
How s it going?
1
SPEAKER_00
What do you say?
1
SPEAKER_03
She just converses.
1
SPEAKER_03
What s up?
1
SPEAKER_03
You hiking?
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
Going up this way?
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, I ll leave the gate open for you.
1
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_03
All right.
1
SPEAKER_03
I didn t see anything.
1
SPEAKER_03
Just some lady peeing?
1
SPEAKER_03
Well, I didn t want to say peeing, but people in the woods, David, I mean, you re always in a big city and you need the lavatory to yourself and your crew clears it out.
1
SPEAKER_03
But in the woods, you just do what you do.
1
SPEAKER_03
That s right.
1
SPEAKER_03
In the woods, you do what you do.
1
SPEAKER_03
That s right.
1
SPEAKER_03
I do have that.
1
SPEAKER_03
I can t even relate.
1
SPEAKER_03
Bobby Lee s out there.
1
SPEAKER_03
Excuse me, just one second.
1
SPEAKER_03
Bobby Lee.
1
SPEAKER_02
So David Spade, right around when I met Mr. Carvey, he was a big, famous, great comedian.
1
SPEAKER_02
I thought he was great.
1
SPEAKER_02
I liked all these guys, Dennis Miller, Kevin Neal, and I always say the same people, but I liked a lot of comedians.
1
SPEAKER_02
And then- And we liked you.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, everyone was cool.
1
SPEAKER_02
I was new.
1
SPEAKER_02
Everyone s been high on David Spade.
1
SPEAKER_02
I looked young.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s before the town got to me.
1
SPEAKER_03
Can I ask you a professional question?
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
How hard?
1
SPEAKER_03
Well, first of all, how long did it take you to get on the show?
1
SPEAKER_03
Because the guy comes and sees you and then he see you over a period of months and then he finally gave the green light or was it pretty fast?
1
SPEAKER_02
Jim McCauley was a famous name in town.
1
SPEAKER_02
And yeah, it s not exactly like that anymore.
1
SPEAKER_02
But to be on the biggest show on network tonight show to be a comedian.
1
SPEAKER_02
He has so much power and he could just he s coming in the improve improv.
1
SPEAKER_02
Everyone s like places everyone like Macaulay s coming in tonight.
1
SPEAKER_02
So everyone s like, yeah, that show time.
1
SPEAKER_02
And so he might see you accidentally.
1
SPEAKER_02
He might come in to watch Leno or someone, but he comes in a little early, catches you.
1
SPEAKER_02
So you just always ready.
1
SPEAKER_02
He watched me.
1
SPEAKER_02
We had it all set up.
1
SPEAKER_02
He probably watched me three times and then they hone it.
1
SPEAKER_02
I don t know if people know that.
1
SPEAKER_02
Take that out is too dirty.
1
SPEAKER_02
Take that.
1
SPEAKER_02
Give me your best six minutes now.
1
SPEAKER_02
I wouldn t do that.
1
SPEAKER_02
I actually told.
1
SPEAKER_02
My managers back then, I said, you know, they said, where s this joke?
1
SPEAKER_02
I said, well, I m going to save that for a second appearance.
1
SPEAKER_02
And I said, don t save anything.
1
SPEAKER_02
If you don t do well, there s no second appearance.
1
SPEAKER_02
Give everything you got.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
So let s we re going to play my tape.
1
SPEAKER_02
So I finally make it.
1
SPEAKER_02
He gives me a date.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s August.
1
SPEAKER_02
I don t have anything to wear.
1
SPEAKER_02
I don t have a stylist.
1
SPEAKER_02
So I wear a flannel shirt.
1
SPEAKER_02
I skateboarding with no sleeves.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yours.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
Young surfer dude.
1
SPEAKER_02
Cable crew neck sweater in August, which is boiling hot.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s like green.
1
SPEAKER_02
I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_02
I put my collar out like this.
1
SPEAKER_02
No one s telling me yes or no.
1
SPEAKER_02
I just show up.
1
SPEAKER_02
I drive myself.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m backstage.
1
SPEAKER_02
I don t know what I m doing.
1
SPEAKER_02
First thing I do when they introduce me, I go out and it s so shiny, Dana, that black stage.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, it s blinding.
1
SPEAKER_02
I know my act so well and I can t think of anything.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m like, oh my God, I ve only seen it this way.
1
SPEAKER_02
I ve never seen the show that way.
1
SPEAKER_02
I see a crowd.
1
SPEAKER_02
All I think is that crowd is smaller.
1
SPEAKER_02
This whole thing is smaller than I thought.
1
SPEAKER_02
And then it s shiny and the cameraman are looking at me like this.
1
SPEAKER_03
And let s let people understand.
1
SPEAKER_03
I didn t mean to interrupt, sorry, but to go on The Tonight Show at that time, it s like 40 million people or something.
1
SPEAKER_03
I mean, it s really big.
1
SPEAKER_03
It can make or break you.
1
SPEAKER_03
There s people go on that show and next day, people in the street are going, hey, how you doing, David Spade?
1
SPEAKER_03
So go ahead, a lot of pressure.
1
SPEAKER_02
Sure.
1
SPEAKER_02
More than I mean, anything would be pressure going on the improv.
1
SPEAKER_02
And now this is The Tonight Show.
1
SPEAKER_02
So here I go.
1
SPEAKER_02
They say, go out.
1
SPEAKER_02
Let s see.
1
SPEAKER_02
I walk out.
1
SPEAKER_00
So appearing with Dennis Miller and Stephen Wright, August the 29th at the River Bend Music Center.
1
SPEAKER_00
Stephen Wright, August 30th, the Palm Creek in Chicago.
1
SPEAKER_00
And this is his very first appearance with us.
1
SPEAKER_00
Would you welcome David Spade?
1
SPEAKER_02
Terrified.
1
SPEAKER_00
There he is.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, I see.
1
SPEAKER_02
OK, stop it already.
1
SPEAKER_02
Stop.
1
SPEAKER_03
Why would they put the mic up?
1
SPEAKER_03
They had six hours to lower it.
1
SPEAKER_03
That s that s fucking sabotage, man.
1
SPEAKER_02
No, I told him to.
1
SPEAKER_03
Oh, it s part of your joke.
1
SPEAKER_03
Got it.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
I told him to just to make it look like initially kind of a laugh.
1
SPEAKER_03
No, it is funny.
1
SPEAKER_03
Good.
1
SPEAKER_03
OK.
1
SPEAKER_02
Like, oh, shit.
1
SPEAKER_02
But that s good.
1
SPEAKER_02
You saw that, by the way, a mic with a cord, which they don t really have much anymore.
1
SPEAKER_02
because they had a sweetheart deal at Radio Shack with The Tonight Show.
1
SPEAKER_02
Okay, here we go.
1
SPEAKER_02
I want to hear your first line.
1
SPEAKER_02
Okay, there s my cable crewneck sweater.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
There s my flannel shirt.
1
SPEAKER_01
Thank you.
1
SPEAKER_01
Thank you very much.
1
SPEAKER_01
My name is David Spade and I m 12.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s the first time I ve been here to The Tonight Show.
1
SPEAKER_01
My mom just dropped me off.
1
SPEAKER_01
She s at Sears and she ll be by later.
1
SPEAKER_01
Not much else.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
1
God.
1
SPEAKER_01
I ll tell you about myself.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m from Arizona.
1
SPEAKER_01
I moved out here.
1
SPEAKER_01
Thank you.
1
SPEAKER_01
I moved out here last summer to see my mom.
1
SPEAKER_01
She lives out here.
1
SPEAKER_01
I need her to cut my steak up into little tiny pieces so I could eat it.
1
SPEAKER_01
When I flew out here, it s kind of a drag because you know when you get on the plane, flight attendant will always tell you the name of the pilot.
2
SPEAKER_01
anyone goes oh he s good I like his work yeah it s good that s a good job and I should have gotten more coach I never sit in first class think about coaches they don t even want you to see the people in first class anymore that s much of a loser you are to them I want to see him it s so sad you know stewardess will come by and she ll pull the curtain shut you got him he bolts it then she comes by
2
SPEAKER_01
Ha ha.
2
SPEAKER_01
Tire gun.
2
SPEAKER_01
Whoa.
2
SPEAKER_01
Tire gun.
2
SPEAKER_01
Awesome.
2
SPEAKER_01
Makes its first appearance.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, look, you are squeezing the mic with both hands.
2
SPEAKER_01
Now one hands free.
2
SPEAKER_01
Crowded.
2
SPEAKER_01
We can t even park the plane.
2
SPEAKER_01
I ve never run into that situation before.
2
SPEAKER_01
Every terminal is taken.
2
SPEAKER_01
We re taxiing around for 20 minutes.
2
SPEAKER_01
Finally, we see some pilot and he s carrying his keys.
2
SPEAKER_01
Right.
2
SPEAKER_01
So we start following him around for a bit, you know?
2
SPEAKER_02
Moving.
2
SPEAKER_02
Applause break.
2
SPEAKER_01
Two minutes.
2
SPEAKER_01
Getting some out of his plane so he can t park there.
2
SPEAKER_01
So that sucked.
2
SPEAKER_01
Then my mom picked me up, and I wanted to go to the beach the first day, you know, but it felt kind of weird because I m short and skinny.
2
SPEAKER_01
What s worse, I had to shave my chest for this movie I m writing.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I decided... Threw that in.
2
SPEAKER_01
Good misdirection.
2
SPEAKER_01
Kevin Nealon-y.
2
SPEAKER_01
...tool around.
2
SPEAKER_01
Because I got a new car.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s not really new.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s an old UPS truck, but it s really nice, you know.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s one of those brown ones.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s great.
2
SPEAKER_01
I got it so I can park wherever I want to.
2
SPEAKER_01
But here s the thing.
2
SPEAKER_01
Run over that joke.
2
SPEAKER_01
When you re driving around, don t ever let a pretty girl merge in front of your car in the street.
2
SPEAKER_01
Because if you do, they rarely pull over and have sex with you for it later.
2
SPEAKER_01
Rarely.
2
SPEAKER_01
Listen to me.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t remember this joke.
2
SPEAKER_01
Getting confident.
2
SPEAKER_01
They are working it.
2
SPEAKER_01
Don t let them.
2
SPEAKER_01
You got to be tough.
2
SPEAKER_01
I know it s hard.
2
SPEAKER_01
You know, they re all pretty.
2
SPEAKER_01
They got their hair pulled up like a little fountain.
2
SPEAKER_01
Kaikin.
2
SPEAKER_01
Kaiko.
2
SPEAKER_01
I mean, if I could, no, you can t.
2
SPEAKER_01
All right.
2
SPEAKER_01
Because there s no payoff, sweetheart.
2
SPEAKER_01
All right.
2
SPEAKER_01
Ruth, sweetheart.
2
SPEAKER_01
He looks weak.
2
SPEAKER_01
Not getting in front of the accord.
2
SPEAKER_02
But it lost me on this one a little bit.
2
SPEAKER_01
Listen, I almost forgot about this marriage thing.
2
SPEAKER_01
I feel some magic here.
2
SPEAKER_01
I ve never felt this way about a boy.
2
SPEAKER_01
Really?
2
SPEAKER_01
Go ahead.
2
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_01
Later.
2
SPEAKER_01
User!
2
SPEAKER_01
It happens to me five times a day.
2
SPEAKER_01
It happens to me even the next day.
2
SPEAKER_01
Same girl, but she s got her hair different.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s like over here now.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m going to go ahead.
2
SPEAKER_01
Girls with scrunchies are evil.
2
SPEAKER_00
Physical stuff.
2
SPEAKER_01
You know Ruffles scrunchie?
2
SPEAKER_01
They got her on their wrist to put their hair up.
2
SPEAKER_01
Don t trust them.
2
SPEAKER_01
You never know when it s going up either.
2
SPEAKER_01
What s going on?
2
SPEAKER_01
What am I doing?
2
SPEAKER_01
What s happening?
2
SPEAKER_01
Hey, maybe later we go.
2
SPEAKER_00
An applause on that act out.
2
SPEAKER_01
There s no rules, no wrong way to do it.
2
SPEAKER_01
They ll put one right here.
2
SPEAKER_01
They don t care as long as it s up, baby.
2
SPEAKER_01
Either that or a chip clip, you know, off the ruffles, into the hair.
2
SPEAKER_01
Don t trust them.
2
SPEAKER_02
Wow.
2
SPEAKER_02
Don t trust them with a chip clip.
2
SPEAKER_02
They re with you, man.
2
SPEAKER_02
Fucking love it.
2
SPEAKER_02
They re loving you.
2
SPEAKER_01
Somebody who s at the gap today, mine is threaded.
2
SPEAKER_01
Anywho.
2
SPEAKER_01
Weird, weird throwaway joke.
2
SPEAKER_01
So that was risky.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t trust these celebrity environmentalist vegetarians kind of bother me that force their views on me and make me feel super guilty all the time.
2
SPEAKER_01
You know, I saw River Phoenix, who s this actor with really cool hair, and he s on Hollywood Boulevard, like preaching to everybody, you know, before he died.
2
SPEAKER_01
Don t wear shoes, you cow killer.
2
SPEAKER_01
Hey, man, the dolphins are all squirreled up in the tuna nets.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s heavy, buddy.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m like, OK, let me address this tuna thing.
2
SPEAKER_01
I went to a deli the other day and tried to order a tuna sandwich.
2
SPEAKER_01
And the guy behind the counter got so mad at me, you know?
2
SPEAKER_01
I didn t think I was throwing a big curveball.
2
SPEAKER_01
It is a deli.
2
SPEAKER_01
Hi.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I go, uh, yeah, can I have some tuna?
2
SPEAKER_01
And he s like, what?
2
SPEAKER_01
Dude, so outraged.
2
SPEAKER_01
I can t.
2
SPEAKER_01
But I m like, whoa, whoa.
2
SPEAKER_01
Hey, there s so many things wrong with your attitude.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like, first of all, you killed it, all right?
2
SPEAKER_01
I m just buying it off you, man.
2
SPEAKER_01
You re murder one.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m just an accessory.
2
SPEAKER_01
You re going down, my friend.
2
SPEAKER_01
Hey, I didn t order a big bowl of cream or Rainforest.
2
SPEAKER_01
Don t freak out on me.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t need it.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s too much pressure.
2
SPEAKER_01
I pulled back in the rainforest river thing.
2
SPEAKER_01
You re killing.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t need river all carried away with this cool hair.
2
SPEAKER_01
Hey man, lions are squirting out of gas, killing the ozone, baby.
2
SPEAKER_01
And don t wear Levi s because the thread will come out and choke a bird one day, you bird killer.
2
SPEAKER_01
Earth hater, ozone hole maker, bigger.
2
SPEAKER_01
OK, God, slow down.
2
SPEAKER_01
I think River Queen needs to have a steak and relax, right?
2
SPEAKER_01
Have a big old meatball, clear his head out.
2
SPEAKER_01
My friends go, you know, he s going to hear that joke.
2
SPEAKER_01
I want to fight you.
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, guess what?
2
SPEAKER_01
He s got no protein in his system.
2
SPEAKER_01
I will kick his butt.
2
SPEAKER_01
All right?
2
SPEAKER_00
I had a hammer every day.
2
SPEAKER_00
I ll wail on him.
2
SPEAKER_00
I was just at Wendy s.
2
SPEAKER_00
You don t want none of me.
2
SPEAKER_00
Nice.
2
SPEAKER_00
That s it.
2
SPEAKER_00
Thank you.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh, that s the closer.
2
SPEAKER_01
I was just at Wendy s.
2
SPEAKER_01
Now watch this.
2
SPEAKER_00
You re going to.
2
SPEAKER_02
So I leave.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, Johnny.
2
SPEAKER_00
Funny kid.
2
SPEAKER_00
What?
2
SPEAKER_00
Too nervous to even look over.
2
SPEAKER_00
Funny kid, David Spade.
2
SPEAKER_00
We ll be right back.
2
SPEAKER_01
I didn t even look at them.
2
SPEAKER_01
I just left.
2
SPEAKER_02
Well, look at Marty.
2
SPEAKER_02
I know as a fetus.
2
SPEAKER_02
Well, what did you, uh, it seemed like you killed, you started out.
2
SPEAKER_02
Uh, they liked you.
2
SPEAKER_02
They hooked into you.
2
SPEAKER_02
You got like three or four applause breaks.
2
SPEAKER_02
And then by the last 90 seconds, you were louder, more aggressive.
2
SPEAKER_01
I know I was.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
I mean, that s not even like me, but no, it wasn t that loud.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s just that you, you seem way more confident.
2
SPEAKER_02
Obviously you acclimated.
2
SPEAKER_02
halfway through because the first minute is just like I m on The Tonight Show talking into a microphone, right?
2
SPEAKER_02
Terrifying.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
The first three, I couldn t hear the audience.
2
SPEAKER_01
That was panic mode because you re like, if they re not buying the first three, they slowly came to it.
2
SPEAKER_01
And they re usually nice because they re supporting new comics on The Tonight Show.
2
SPEAKER_01
They knew back then, like it was kind of fun to see a new one.
2
SPEAKER_01
But.
2
SPEAKER_01
It took them a while, but they got into it.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then I don t even remember these jokes.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m like, I haven t seen this set for so long.
2
SPEAKER_01
So getting into that River Phoenix stuff, obviously he passed away after that.
2
SPEAKER_01
But it was still he was like the guy they were making fun of because he was very vocal, but yelling, I got a hamburger.
2
SPEAKER_01
There s like three in a row.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s like I just said, I have a hamburger every day.
2
SPEAKER_01
I was just at Wendy s.
2
SPEAKER_01
You don t want none of this.
2
SPEAKER_01
That was like a good build.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t remember that when I close it, though.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s like the problem is if you come out in those three jokes, tighten up, not you, but any comedian, the first three, tighten them up.
2
SPEAKER_02
And then the comedian stops having fun and they said, yeah, then the souffle can just go down.
2
SPEAKER_02
But you held your ground, you know, and it can get really bad.
2
SPEAKER_02
And then so you held your ground and kept going.
2
SPEAKER_02
And then you I think probably within a minute you got an applause break after.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I don t know if they knew what to do with me.
2
SPEAKER_01
I think I I don t know if I look nervous, but
2
SPEAKER_01
I m just kind of quiet and young and there, you know, back then it was Leno and Belzer and Richard Lewis and their RIP.
2
SPEAKER_01
And so it was, they were, they were sort of just going, is this a joke?
2
SPEAKER_01
Cause I was probably 24 or something.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m 23.
2
SPEAKER_01
I look like I was 20.
2
SPEAKER_01
Well,
2
SPEAKER_02
I ve never really explained this, but the church lady attitude came from what you were dealing with.
2
SPEAKER_02
Because sometimes I d go on stage when I was early days, like 22, and I would hear people go,
2
SPEAKER_02
Like that.
2
SPEAKER_02
I mean, I had a real baby face.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
So I. I to to kind of get rid of that tension, I would do that.
2
SPEAKER_02
Well, well, well, apparently when they let little children into the theater, you know, that was the first way to diffuse that attention.
2
SPEAKER_02
I also used to do I know what you re thinking.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I go, oh, boys, we re half off.
2
SPEAKER_02
I did kind of a Sears mannequin joke.
2
SPEAKER_02
I don t know the quite the wording, but.
2
SPEAKER_02
So we both looked really young.
2
SPEAKER_02
You know what?
2
SPEAKER_02
You should bring yours in.
2
SPEAKER_01
You should bring yours next week.
2
SPEAKER_01
We should look at it.
2
SPEAKER_02
Well, the problem was the first time I was on The Tonight Show, I was on the couch.
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, still, it can be funny.
2
SPEAKER_01
You talk about the stuff you were supposed to say.
2
SPEAKER_02
But the reason is, David McCauley just said, you re just not right for The Tonight Show.
2
SPEAKER_02
There s nothing we can do with you.
2
SPEAKER_02
Because I was just doing characters.
2
SPEAKER_02
I had no jokes.
2
SPEAKER_02
So I couldn t get on The Tonight Show.
2
SPEAKER_02
He was perfectly nice.
2
SPEAKER_02
He said, we can t put you on.
2
SPEAKER_02
It just wouldn t work.
2
SPEAKER_02
You don t have it.
2
SPEAKER_02
And you probably should look for some other form of work.
2
SPEAKER_02
But then I got on SNL, and then I got to go on.
2
SPEAKER_01
He never talks about the ones he missed on.
2
SPEAKER_01
Johnny was great.
2
SPEAKER_01
Johnny, I went backstage and I was so like sick.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I was slugging Pepto Bismol, you know, I had my shirt off.
2
SPEAKER_01
The B.O.
2
SPEAKER_01
was like blowing trees down.
2
SPEAKER_01
I was so nervous.
2
SPEAKER_01
I had like two friends there.
2
SPEAKER_01
And, you know, you don t even have a hair.
2
SPEAKER_01
You just go with your hair messy from driving with your windows open.
2
SPEAKER_01
And that was kind of the simplicity.
2
SPEAKER_01
But there was a knock and it was Johnny.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I think either Ed, it was one of the person Ed or Doc Severinsen or Martin Short.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I open it is fucking Johnny.
3
SPEAKER_02
And he goes, hey, you just left.
3
SPEAKER_02
I wanted to say good job.
3
SPEAKER_02
You didn t look over.
3
SPEAKER_02
And thanks for coming on.
3
SPEAKER_02
And I was holding my Pepto.
3
SPEAKER_02
And I go, oh, my God, that was so fun.
3
SPEAKER_02
Thank you so much.
3
SPEAKER_02
And he goes, Pepto, I m trying to quit the stuff myself.
3
SPEAKER_02
And then he walked away.
3
SPEAKER_02
What a great thing.
3
SPEAKER_00
I know I saw his hand up like this and he was like waving.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think if you d looked, he was going to go like that.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, come on.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like his hand was reached out.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think I ll bring him over.
3
SPEAKER_00
If he looks, I m going to scoop, scoop him up.
3
SPEAKER_02
Because Macaulay said the guy that books it was right off because he said, when you go out there, you walk out, you do your set and you turn, you walk back.
3
SPEAKER_02
And I go, what if Johnny sometimes he waves?
3
SPEAKER_02
He s not.
3
SPEAKER_02
I go, oh, he goes, just come and come right back to me.
3
SPEAKER_02
I ll be right here.
3
SPEAKER_02
Go, there s an X on the ground, stand on that, come back.
3
SPEAKER_02
So I come back to him and he goes, why didn t you look at Johnny?
3
SPEAKER_02
He would ve waved you over.
3
SPEAKER_02
I go, yeah, duh, I did wrestle.
3
SPEAKER_00
I know, but yeah, that was that was that was fun.
3
SPEAKER_02
That was fun to watch.
3
SPEAKER_02
That was fun for me to watch because I haven t seen it.
3
SPEAKER_00
The material was smart.
3
SPEAKER_00
It was fun.
3
SPEAKER_00
I mean, you did do the young thing.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think it worked.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think the first thing.
3
SPEAKER_00
Hello, I m 12 was funny.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think the audience was still just kind of getting.
3
SPEAKER_00
Who s this?
3
SPEAKER_02
What acclimated?
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
All right.
3
SPEAKER_00
Let s go to some.
3
SPEAKER_00
I ll say it.
3
SPEAKER_02
What?
3
SPEAKER_00
See a fee five foe yawn.
3
SPEAKER_00
I believe a star was born.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh, this is Shane Gillis on SNL.
3
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_00
Here s friend Shane Gillis.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh my God.
3
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
3
SPEAKER_02
I cannot say I cannot agree with that.
3
SPEAKER_02
That s funny.
3
SPEAKER_02
I mean, I thought of my personal I didn t see it all in fairness.
3
SPEAKER_02
Actually, I didn t see it and I don t know who he is, but I have an opinion.
3
SPEAKER_00
But you ve seen the movie Shane.
3
SPEAKER_00
You ve seen the western Shane from 1952.
3
SPEAKER_02
Jodert s name was Shane in the first iteration, then we changed it.
3
SPEAKER_02
But I will say that
3
SPEAKER_02
Shane Gillis, I thought his monologue was very interesting.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m not going to get canceled and say it was good or bad.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m just going to say, I like that at least he shook it up.
3
SPEAKER_02
He didn t do a typical monologue.
3
SPEAKER_02
He definitely was doing things that were wrong in quotes and SNL, the spirit of SNL is to do stuff like that.
3
SPEAKER_02
So I will say that.
3
SPEAKER_00
Those also are themes that he works with.
3
SPEAKER_00
He uses the word gay in 2024 in a way that s not a pejorative, or it s just sort of old-fashioned of him.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s like the 80s.
3
SPEAKER_00
We would say stuff like that and not think about it, or even the 90s.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then, of course, the Down syndrome thing is because he has relatives with Down syndrome.
3
SPEAKER_00
And he s talked about that a lot.
3
SPEAKER_00
So he kind of, he did Shane.
3
SPEAKER_00
He did what he did.
3
SPEAKER_00
He didn t really change anything.
3
SPEAKER_00
And you could either, it s up for people to decide.
3
SPEAKER_00
We re comedians.
3
SPEAKER_00
We ve seen and heard everything.
3
SPEAKER_00
We ve been beaten and left for dead many times.
3
SPEAKER_00
So we don t, we re not easily offended.
3
SPEAKER_00
We don t automatically assume that he doesn t like down syndrome people or gay people or anything he s saying.
3
SPEAKER_00
Uh, it is comedy.
3
SPEAKER_00
And that s all I m going to say with that.
3
SPEAKER_00
We have editing capabilities.
3
SPEAKER_02
Some words have shock value, but I do think as some of the sketches were good, they pulled one that was about, uh, eat lemu emu, that commercial for insurance or something.
3
SPEAKER_02
And that was really funny, but they put online and it was kind of dumb because we were like, that one s really edgy.
3
SPEAKER_02
You probably could have used that.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
It was one of those people.
3
SPEAKER_00
Now, what are we seeing here?
3
SPEAKER_00
What s up with Major League now?
3
SPEAKER_02
Moving on is Major League Baseball, Dana.
3
SPEAKER_02
They got I guess they got all your emails.
3
SPEAKER_02
They made see-through pants.
3
SPEAKER_02
I mean.
3
SPEAKER_00
What are they doing?
3
SPEAKER_00
I guilty as charged.
3
SPEAKER_00
I just want to hear the guy talking to the guy.
3
SPEAKER_00
Now you listen to me, Jensen.
3
SPEAKER_00
I hired you to make baseball clothes.
3
SPEAKER_00
I didn t make I didn t want me here.
3
SPEAKER_00
People want to watch a baseball game.
3
SPEAKER_00
They don t want to see a gag.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, like this.
3
SPEAKER_02
You re getting yelled at by the umpire.
3
SPEAKER_02
You have a boner.
3
SPEAKER_02
He s like, I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m nervous.
3
SPEAKER_02
Why do you want to see through pants?
3
SPEAKER_02
I don t want anyone to see my house see through.
3
SPEAKER_00
How see through were they?
3
SPEAKER_00
I mean, I know you re probably looking at these things at night.
3
SPEAKER_02
So how I mean, can we see shapes and bumps?
3
SPEAKER_02
Are we counting pubes?
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
I hired you to make baseball cloth clothes.
3
SPEAKER_00
Now you gave me a strip show.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, my God.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s my angry executive yelling.
3
SPEAKER_02
What?
3
SPEAKER_02
Sorry, I just interrupted you, held up a picture of a guy with his frickin Wang.
3
SPEAKER_02
You can see is 100 percent wiener.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh, yeah, you can.
3
SPEAKER_02
If you use your imagination.
3
SPEAKER_02
No, it s pretty wangy.
3
SPEAKER_00
Sorry, Heather.
3
SPEAKER_00
You like bullies.
3
SPEAKER_00
I didn t like when they apologized.
3
SPEAKER_02
The major league commissioner goes, listen, there s been a little problem.
3
SPEAKER_02
We didn t see this coming, but a lot of the guys, you could see their prongs.
3
SPEAKER_02
And he kept using weird words from old school.
3
SPEAKER_00
Well, maybe there was maybe the baseball commissioner was, well, you re hired to make our new baseball uniforms.
3
SPEAKER_00
And by the way, is there any chance you could make them kind of see through just a little bit?
3
SPEAKER_00
It s for the ladies.
3
SPEAKER_02
Chefs and boss Kanye s wife.
3
SPEAKER_02
Everything she wears is see through.
3
SPEAKER_02
She s like, hi, everybody.
3
SPEAKER_00
Thong, a dog collar and an iron mask on.
3
SPEAKER_00
She s just going out for dinner.
3
SPEAKER_02
Dude, that s on Sunday.
3
SPEAKER_02
The other day she wore like, what were they, nylons with no undies?
3
SPEAKER_02
She s like, hey, you guys all know my pussy.
3
SPEAKER_00
He was on, he was dragging her through Rome and she was on an old fashioned stretcher from the 15th century.
3
SPEAKER_00
I want a drink when we get there, Kanye.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s your thing, babe.
3
SPEAKER_02
He s behind her with a whip like it s art.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s medieval shit, man.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, it s like Gladiator or something crazy.
3
SPEAKER_00
But I don t judge, as long as they re happy.
3
SPEAKER_02
No, no.
3
SPEAKER_02
Those two crazy kids, they re having fun.
3
SPEAKER_02
Okay, here s another one.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh, there s a funny video I saw.
3
SPEAKER_02
Which one s this?
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh, this is Willy Wonka.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh, this is different.
3
SPEAKER_02
Okay, Willy Wonka and an ad for repairs.
3
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_02
This is how high tech we are.
3
SPEAKER_02
We re literally just the internet.
3
SPEAKER_02
Okay, Willy Wonka.
3
SPEAKER_02
Explain this one.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think they can read.
3
SPEAKER_00
So anyway, it was called an immersive experience experience.
3
SPEAKER_00
Everybody was excited because that usually means some awesome Willy Wonka thing.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it was just a partially decorated warehouse, as they say there.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it s just it s so horribly bad and such a rip off.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s funny stuff.
3
SPEAKER_02
Can we see that Kanye?
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, let s see a picture.
3
SPEAKER_02
So it s very bleak and stark and there s not really that much.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, look, that s it.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, it s like it was in.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it s like in Dresden, 1942 or something.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s like it s like Berlin in 1945.
3
SPEAKER_00
All right.
3
SPEAKER_02
Well, when you hear the budget was two hundred dollars, it s not bad.
3
SPEAKER_02
Stay on there, Greg.
3
SPEAKER_02
Let me see what else is on that thing.
3
SPEAKER_02
There s a big rainbow, which scares off some people.
3
SPEAKER_02
There s people that they go.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m out.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m out.
3
SPEAKER_00
I cannot see what s wrong with the rainbow.
3
SPEAKER_02
No, but there s people that, you know, get get a little tight.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I got to get a little.
3
SPEAKER_00
What if the people on the way to this exhibit kept asking people and they go, oh, yeah, the Wonka thing.
3
SPEAKER_00
OK, just like what happened to you at the movie theater.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Really?
3
SPEAKER_02
Well, I know we ve been waiting in line going there.
3
SPEAKER_02
What s at the bottom of the rainbow?
3
SPEAKER_00
Rock clouds are marshmallows.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, it is clouds.
3
SPEAKER_01
OK, I don t think it was a Picasso that did those.
3
SPEAKER_00
I remember the song third grader.
3
SPEAKER_00
Remember it?
3
SPEAKER_00
I like candy.
3
SPEAKER_00
I like candy.
3
SPEAKER_00
Don t you like to eat candy, boys and girls?
3
SPEAKER_00
Remember that song from the Gene Wilder one?
3
SPEAKER_00
I just whatever.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I like delicious toys.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t just I don t remember it very well, but I like the movie.
3
SPEAKER_00
I like the one with Timmy Chalamet.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
I like an old man going, hey, can I get seven kids in my house?
3
SPEAKER_02
Is that cool with the parents?
3
SPEAKER_02
Keep them overnight?
3
SPEAKER_00
We re doing Hans and Franz and a lot of tennis.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s good.
3
SPEAKER_02
OK, go to the next one.
3
SPEAKER_02
What s this next story?
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh, this is I. I want you to see this, Dana.
3
SPEAKER_02
This is so offensive.
3
SPEAKER_02
You get a caricature.
3
SPEAKER_02
You re with your lovely date.
3
SPEAKER_02
Like, what are they going to pick?
3
SPEAKER_02
Perfectly nice guy.
3
SPEAKER_02
I don t know if we need that play.
4
SPEAKER_03
Can you turn that shit down?
4
SPEAKER_03
Look at how fucking loud it is.
4
SPEAKER_03
I can t even focus.
4
SPEAKER_03
Look at her goddamn face.
4
SPEAKER_04
They look like monsters.
4
SPEAKER_03
I mean, how fucking rude.
4
SPEAKER_03
His neck is 30 feet long with eczema.
4
SPEAKER_03
Look how happy they are.
4
SPEAKER_03
Holy shit.
4
SPEAKER_03
They sit on their keys.
4
SPEAKER_03
Why are they?
4
SPEAKER_03
I would be horrified.
4
SPEAKER_03
First, I d break up with her.
4
SPEAKER_04
I d rip it in half like Pelosi.
4
SPEAKER_03
OK, volume, my God.
4
SPEAKER_03
If you have questions or impressions, you can go to Superfly at Odyssey Dotcom.
4
SPEAKER_03
I think that s it.
4
SPEAKER_04
And, uh, uh, red, red neckies impressions and any kind of questions, especially for David relationship advice.
4
SPEAKER_04
Cause he s really, we ll give you advice.
4
SPEAKER_04
He s a natural about life, uh, by the way, um, how to make money in the stock market.
4
SPEAKER_04
I m pretty good at that.
4
SPEAKER_03
Jump on Bitcoin.
4
SPEAKER_03
It s not too late.
4
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_03
All right.
4
SPEAKER_03
So let s see what, here s an impression.
4
SPEAKER_03
We re going to see Dana.
4
SPEAKER_03
We ll give it our real opinion in real time.
4
SPEAKER_03
This is Evan Chandler.
4
SPEAKER_03
I thought this guy did it.
4
SPEAKER_02
Another guy with the same hat.
4
SPEAKER_03
Oh my God, everyone s putting this fucking hat on.
4
SPEAKER_02
Hey guys, big fan.
4
SPEAKER_02
On your last episode of Superfly, you said we could submit some impressions.
4
SPEAKER_02
So I thought I d give it a go.
4
SPEAKER_02
Trying to balance my phone on the steering wheel here.
4
SPEAKER_02
All right, this is Lorne doing an impression of Dana s dad.
4
SPEAKER_02
Well, Dana Christ, I can t talk to you about politics because you don t know shit.
4
SPEAKER_03
Oh, there s more.
4
SPEAKER_03
He should have quit.
4
SPEAKER_02
Jesus Christ, Dana, I can t talk to you about politics because you don t know shit.
4
SPEAKER_03
I kind of like his blank look.
4
SPEAKER_03
He gives absolutely nothing in his face like, Jesus Christ.
4
SPEAKER_03
That s funny.
4
SPEAKER_03
It s a mashup.
4
SPEAKER_03
I thought it was funny.
4
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, go ahead.
4
SPEAKER_04
I like that.
4
SPEAKER_04
They re both good.
4
SPEAKER_04
It was funny because that s something I say in my act.
4
SPEAKER_04
My dad used to say to me, Jesus Christ, I can t talk politics with you because you don t know shit.
4
SPEAKER_04
And so this guy is using that as his other.
4
SPEAKER_04
And I did a movie with Kirk Douglas and I know Lorne Michaels.
4
SPEAKER_04
So there s a whole mash going on.
4
SPEAKER_04
What was that gentleman s name?
4
SPEAKER_03
That was Evan Chandler.
4
SPEAKER_04
Evan Chandler.
4
SPEAKER_04
Funny, funny stuff.
4
SPEAKER_04
Thank you for the mashup.
4
SPEAKER_04
Inspired.
4
SPEAKER_04
I didn t think I d like it.
4
SPEAKER_04
And then I did.
4
SPEAKER_05
Hi, Dana and Luke Skywalker.
4
SPEAKER_05
This is Jimmy Stewart as Frodo Baggins in the original Frank Capra production of Lord of the Rings from 1950.
4
SPEAKER_05
That was never released.
4
SPEAKER_06
Well, what do you mean, Gandalf?
4
SPEAKER_06
You want me to take this ring all the way to Mordor?
4
SPEAKER_06
Well, you got Mary, you got Pippin, you got Legolas and Gimli.
4
SPEAKER_06
What do you need me for?
4
SPEAKER_06
Thanks, guys.
4
SPEAKER_03
That was Parker Millar.
4
SPEAKER_03
Parker is Greg Allman.
4
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_04
OK, well, it s cool.
4
SPEAKER_04
You have the beard like a Lord of the Rings beard.
4
SPEAKER_03
Now, wait, let s comment.
4
SPEAKER_03
So.
4
SPEAKER_03
I do like it.
4
SPEAKER_03
I mean, it s getting.
4
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, it s going back now.
4
SPEAKER_03
Oh, we should get some new ones that people haven t heard a lot of.
4
SPEAKER_03
That would be fun because people that are out there, we don t even know, like, you know, these guys in euphoria or whatever.
4
SPEAKER_03
But let s.
4
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_03
But I liked it.
4
SPEAKER_04
I would just say the only thing I would do is remember that you can do a nonverbal thing before he talks or you throw in nonverbal Jimmy Stewart.
4
SPEAKER_04
So, you know, I ve got a problem with it.
4
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_04
You say.
4
SPEAKER_04
But yeah, you know, so anyway, but I learned it from Ridge Little.
4
SPEAKER_04
But yeah, it today it s hard if you did a perfect Chris Platt with how many people would know nothing.
4
SPEAKER_04
He s a famous movie star, Tim Timothee Chalamet.
4
SPEAKER_04
People do.
4
SPEAKER_04
It s a little harder back then.
4
SPEAKER_04
There were like eight giant movie stars and everyone knew them.
4
SPEAKER_03
It s hard if you do Chris Pratt.
4
SPEAKER_03
You got to get the ones.
4
SPEAKER_03
They have to be sunk enough into the ether that people all know what they sound like at this point.
4
SPEAKER_04
or from a famous movie, like doing Robert Downey Jr.
4
SPEAKER_04
from Iron Man or something.
4
SPEAKER_04
I m gonna learn a new impression.
4
SPEAKER_04
I should ask the fans to write in, ask me to try somebody.
4
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, tell them to do that too.
4
SPEAKER_04
Give me the challenge of a new impression.
4
SPEAKER_04
There you go.
4
SPEAKER_04
Okay, here it is.
4
SPEAKER_03
This is Thomas Murphy.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s our last one, Thomas, you better- It s our last one, Thomas Murphy, here he is.
4
SPEAKER_01
Hey, Dana and David, it s Norm Macdonald, you know?
4
SPEAKER_01
So hey fellas, I wanted to ask you, you know what s better than being dead, right?
4
SPEAKER_01
A lie.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s better to be a lie.
4
SPEAKER_03
I like these people who don t even get out of their fucking car.
4
SPEAKER_03
It s such a throwaway thing.
4
SPEAKER_03
They re like, I ought to send this out.
4
SPEAKER_03
They ll never use it.
4
SPEAKER_04
I think it s smart to say hello and then the name of the guy you re doing.
4
SPEAKER_04
Hello, this is Norm McDonald.
4
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, it took me a second to acclimate again.
4
SPEAKER_04
It was a little dark, but Norm had a sense of humor that would accommodate that, I think.
4
SPEAKER_04
Not bad, not bad.
4
SPEAKER_03
I asked this guy to do Theo Vaughn last week.
4
SPEAKER_03
Let s see what he s going to do.
4
SPEAKER_00
What s up, guys?
4
SPEAKER_00
Dante Carter here again.
4
SPEAKER_00
I decided to come into the house this time, David.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m not in the car.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m in the house.
4
SPEAKER_00
See?
4
SPEAKER_03
They re learning.
4
SPEAKER_03
They re learning.
4
SPEAKER_00
You guys mentioned you thought I was going to do Theo Vaughn last week because of my southern accent, and I thought, man, I could try Theo.
4
SPEAKER_00
I ve never tried it, but I wanted to try it out for you guys.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, there was this man named, uh, his name was Howe.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yep, Howe was his name, dude.
4
SPEAKER_00
Howe was his name, bruh.
4
SPEAKER_00
Howe used to howl at people.
4
SPEAKER_00
And, uh, well, when you howl at people, we call you Howlin  Howe.
4
SPEAKER_00
That s just what we called him.
4
SPEAKER_00
That s just what we called him, bruh.
4
SPEAKER_00
He was a good dude, though, man.
4
SPEAKER_00
God, I think about him all the time, man.
4
SPEAKER_00
He was a good dude.
4
SPEAKER_03
I wonder if that s from Theo or if that s his own made up thing, because there is stuff in there that s pretty Theo and people should be doing Theo all the time right now.
4
SPEAKER_03
Everyone knows him.
4
SPEAKER_03
Bobby Lee, Theo, they should be doing these impressions.
4
SPEAKER_03
Tim Dillon, people that know they should do Whitney.
4
SPEAKER_03
They re out there.
4
SPEAKER_03
You know what I mean?
4
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_03
These are impressions that could be done easily.
4
SPEAKER_03
A child could.
4
SPEAKER_03
No, I m kidding.
4
SPEAKER_03
But you know what I mean?
4
SPEAKER_03
So that s a good Theo.
4
SPEAKER_03
There were parts of it because I d never heard of Theo, so that s pretty good.
4
SPEAKER_04
Well, there were parts that did kind of hit me as Theo.
4
SPEAKER_04
It felt like maybe slow it down a little bit.
4
SPEAKER_04
The thing about Theo is Theo doesn t really ever do a joke with a punchline.
4
SPEAKER_04
So I would say if I would try to learn Theo this week, I would actually
4
SPEAKER_04
listen to a show and take an actual segment from it and phonetically try to get it that way first.
4
SPEAKER_04
But I feel like, you know, but he totally was pretty good.
4
SPEAKER_04
I would say sharpen it and bring it back.
4
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, but don t try to hog this fucking show either.
4
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, we have a waiting room online right now of 69,000 people.
4
SPEAKER_04
Oh, there s someone from Peru that does a perfect David Spade.
4
SPEAKER_03
Oh, gross.
4
SPEAKER_03
I think that s it for the show, Dana, don t you?
4
SPEAKER_04
I think so.
4
SPEAKER_04
I enjoyed it, David.
4
SPEAKER_03
Had a great time with you, Dana.
4
SPEAKER_03
It was nice to see you.
4
SPEAKER_03
We left.
4
SPEAKER_04
We cried.
4
SPEAKER_03
We looked at things.
4
SPEAKER_03
We talked.
4
SPEAKER_03
We got our framing down on the thing, in the camera, I think.
4
SPEAKER_04
Next time.
4
SPEAKER_04
Let s see.
4
SPEAKER_04
All righty, rad, rad.
4
SPEAKER_04
Oh, this was three Christopher Walkens.
4
SPEAKER_04
Christopher Walken sees a magic trick.
4
SPEAKER_04
Wow!
4
SPEAKER_04
Christopher Charles.
4
SPEAKER_04
Christopher Walken is threatened.
4
SPEAKER_04
Whoa!
4
SPEAKER_04
Christopher Walken is a cowboy.
4
SPEAKER_04
Yippee-yi-yo!
4
SPEAKER_04
Gah-yay!
4
SPEAKER_03
This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly.
4
SPEAKER_03
It s executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman.
4
SPEAKER_03
Hope you liked it.