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My friend, I am such a big believer that your mindset is everything.
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It can really dictate if your life has meaning, has value, and you feel fulfilled, or if you feel exhausted, drained, and like you re never going to be enough.
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Our brand new book, The Greatness Mindset, just hit the New York Times Bestseller back-to-back weeks.
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And I m so excited to hear from so many of you who ve bought the book, who ve read it, and have finished it already, and are getting incredible results from the lessons in the book.
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If you haven t got a copy yet,
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You ll learn how to build a plan for greatness through powerful exercises and toolkits designed to propel your life forward.
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This is the book I wish I had when I was 20, struggling, trying to figure out life.
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10 years ago at 30, trying to figure out transitions in my life and the book I m glad I have today for myself.
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Make sure to get a copy at lewishouse.com slash 2023 mindset to get your copy today.
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Again, lewishouse.com slash 2023 mindset to get a copy today.
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Also, the book is on audible now, so you can get it on audio book as well.
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And don t forget to follow the show.
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So you never miss an episode.
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If you can t deal with you, if you can t look at yourself in the mirror, if you can t forgive yourself, if you can t say, we failed back there, but there s still greatness in the inside of you.
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If you can t do that to yourself, it s very difficult to love somebody else at that level.
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Welcome to the School of Greatness.
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My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur.
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And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness.
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Thanks for spending some time with me today.
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Now let the class begin.
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Welcome back everyone to the School of Greatness.
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Very excited about our guest.
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We have the inspiring Pastor Michael Todd in the house.
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Yes, sir.
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Very excited that you re here.
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Thank you.
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First off, congratulations to you, my brother.
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You are killing it, and you and your beautiful fiance.
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Thank you, man.
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I don t know.
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I had to fly out here for this interview.
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I m excited, man.
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Last time we did this, it was phenomenal.
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Yeah, man.
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And I m just excited to be with you, bro.
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I m excited, man.
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A rising spiritual leader in the world.
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You ve got an incredible church and community in Oklahoma.
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You have written a New York Times bestselling book, multiple books, number one New York Times bestselling book of relationship goals, which we had you on here for the last time.
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And now you ve got a new book, Damaged But Not Destroyed, From Trauma to Triumph.
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Yes, sir.
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That I think is going to really inspire and impact a lot of people.
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And I m excited for people to dive into this.
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Because I think a lot of people are driven by wanting to have love and success.
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Yes, sir.
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They want to feel empowered and powerful.
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But a lot of us are driven to get into relationships or driven to be successful based on some type of wound or trauma of not feeling enough, not being lovable, having something that s holding us back, and we re trying to prove ourselves.
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Yes, sir.
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I raised my hand from the past of me being in that situation in business, sports, and relationships.
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And we were just talking about this before, that drive, that wound can get us to incredible heights.
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But it can also be the thing that kills us and burns us out and go through breakup and hardship.
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I want to start with relationships before we get into success.
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Why do you think a lot of relationships aren t working out today?
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Specifically to our culture and society, is it because people are choosing wrong?
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Is it because they re getting into a relationship at the wrong time?
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Is it because…
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They re not clear on the tools on how to have healthy relationships and intimacy.
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What do you think is wrong with relationships today?
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So, first off, I want to say that relationships are how we were, I believe, designed to interact with each other in this life.
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So for everybody that s listening and watching, be like, that s why I don t do no relationships.
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I don t want no relationships.
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Like, you re missing out on, I believe, what is the fabric, the most valuable connection you could have is authentic, real, life-giving relationship with somebody else.
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So for everybody that s been hurt, I just feel to start there, to everybody who s been burned and wounded and all that other stuff, I do believe that this is how God intended for it to be, us to be in relationship.
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But the reason to answer your question, why I think it s so hard and it doesn t seem like a lot of people are doing well in relationship is because of three reasons.
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Number one, I don t think that they re bringing their full self to the relationship.
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I think many times when people start in relationship, they really give versions of themselves.
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And I understand it to a degree, but some people have been married for 10 years and still they ve never met who they really are married to.
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Some people have been in business with people for years and they ve never really met their business partner.
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They re getting these versions of them that are triggered by number two, their trauma.
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So, so, so, so the version I present of you
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is not really who I am.
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It s who I am after I was in the relationship with the last guy.
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It s after I m in the relationship with the last business partner.
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So, when I come, I don t come with fresh trust.
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I don t come with fresh expectation.
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I don t come assuming the best.
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I come to you like, maybe you won t hurt me like the other person did.
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So, I m going to give you this much because I never want to actually feel that again.
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And you can never really love unless hurt is an option.
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Wait, say that one more time.
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You can never really love if being hurt is not an option.
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Interesting.
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And a lot of people are trying to mitigate the hurt so they also mitigate the amount of love they can feel.
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Interesting.
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And at the level that you are vulnerable, it s the level that you can actually experience the love, the acceptance, the joy that you really want in a marriage.
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And so I always ask people, I was like, who are you bringing to this relationship?
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Are you bringing the broken, battered, wounded, jacked up, pessimistic version of yourself to this?
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Are you actually saying, you know what?
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I need to start over.
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This is a brand new person.
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I need to maybe not even be in a relationship right now so I can go heal.
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And that s my burden of even this book and some of the things that I m talking about.
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I really feel like the quality of our life would increase if we would allow the quality of our healing to increase.
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And most people don t want to take the time to heal.
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I mean, you used to play ball.
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Like, think about it.
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Every contact sport has an offseason.
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And the primary reason for an offseason is what?
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Healing.
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Healing.
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I ve been getting hit.
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I ve been running.
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I ve been lifting weights.
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I ve been ripping and tearing and all the different things.
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And so I need a season so that I can become the version of me that I know I can be up here, but my body, my emotions, my wheel needs time to become that in here.
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And a lot of people are jumping from relationship to relationship, business entrepreneurship to business entrepreneurship partner.
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They re going from this to that.
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And I m scared that many people aren t reaching their greatest purpose or their greatest height because they have not taken the time to actually heal.
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And so that would be the answer to my question, to your question holistically.
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I think people aren t doing good in relationships is because they re not tending to themselves.
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Right, they re not tending.
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So you said not bringing the full self to the other person, whether it s intimacy, whether it s friendship or business, they re allowing their traumas to guard them or hold them back as well because they re not allowing themselves to recover or heal.
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What would be the third thing that you say?
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I would say that the third thing of this, now my mind, you got my mind going a thousand places.
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Now I m ready to start relationship goals part two.
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But the third thing would be that they do not give, they don t tend to themselves.
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Yeah, they don t tend to themselves.
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Yeah.
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So, so what ends up happening is, um, I m a person of faith.
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And so, um, the Bible says that you can only love your neighbor at the level that you love yourself.
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So if you have a level two out of 10 of self love, you only can give.
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at maximum or two.
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And a lot of times you don t give nobody else the maximum.
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So again, if you can t deal with you, if you can t look at yourself in the mirror, if you can t forgive yourself, if you can t say we failed back there, but there s still greatness in the inside of you.
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If you can t do that to yourself, it s very difficult to love somebody else at that level.
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And that s where I think a lot of times our relationships are really a reflection.
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The reason it s not working is because you can t divorce you, but you can let go of them.
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And you don t like what you re getting from you, but you can not like what you re getting from them and try it again.
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And so I think that sometimes, I m talking heavy right now, Louis, but what I am saying is I feel like some people need to take time to reflect and remember, to retool,
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and then renew.
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And I think that s how out of that your relationships will be so much more vibrant.
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They ll be so much more intentional as well as you ll get to experience
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and the fruitfulness and the joy out of those relationships because you ve done enough work on you to know what you re actually looking for.
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This idea of healing is something that I ve really loved over my last decade, but specifically over the last two and a half years, I ve dived deeper into internal and spiritual healing.
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Yes, sir.
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And it has created a level of peace and an internal environment of harmony that I ve never experienced in my life.
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Yes, sir.
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that allows me to see clearly, or at least more clearly, right, of who s in front of me, what I want, it just gives me more awareness.
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But I remember many years, if not decades, feeling very anxious when a relationship wasn t working out, going through a breakup, and feeling like I gotta get back on my relationship game quickly.
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And never really taking the time to heal because it was really scary.
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It was really scary to face the trauma or the shame or whatever it was I was holding on to.
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It was scary and all I wanted was intimacy and connection with someone else.
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I didn t want to be alone.
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I don t know if anyone can relate to this.
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Why aren t you listening?
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Everybody can relate to that.
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Everybody can.
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So for those who are like, you know what, but it s just, I feel so alone.
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I feel so scared.
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this trauma, I don t even wanna think about it, because it s so dark, or it s so hard for me to focus on.
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What do you say to people that are really struggling, that really want love, really want intimacy and connection, and just deep compassion with someone else, but they re afraid to do the healing work because the trauma is so scary?
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So, I would say to you, because I know there s thousands of people watching this that feel that exact same thing, you need to examine the pattern.
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Man, that s so true.
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Because if this is a pattern of you continually getting hurt because you do not heal, then it might be better for you longterm to do the work to heal so that you can cut the cycle.
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Yes.
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I think about, um, um, rest in heaven Kobe Bryant when he, when he, um, tore his Achilles and,
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He said he could come back and play before he was fully healed.
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He was ready.
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I mean, and he would have probably been better than nine out of 10 people on the floor.
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He could have fooled everybody.
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but he knew he wasn t his 100%.
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He wasn t his best.
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He was not his best.
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So if it came down to the last minute when he really needed to be his best, he wouldn t have what he needed to have.
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So they took the time for him to actually heal.
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What I m saying is you may be fooling everybody.
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You may, your Instagram is popping, your business is successful, you got the bag and the body, and you got all the different things, but you know deep down in your soul, your mind-willing emotions, you know you re still hurting.
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And so what ends up happening is you come in limping to love.
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you limp into love.
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Wow.
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Instead of leaping into love.
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Right.
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You should be able to go a lot higher.
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But because you re still aware of the thing that you need to be healed, you don t go.
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And so what I m saying is if this is a pattern, if this is if it s been the same, it was John and then it was Joey and then it was Julio, then it was Daquan and then it was Jared.
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Like if it if it s the same thing, you might want to step back and get a new perspective because the pattern is the same and a season.
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of discipline can produce a lifetime of freedom.
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Come on.
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And that s where I just, my encouragement, I ve counseled too many people.
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I ve been around too many people.
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I ve helped so many people get through this hump in their life.
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And what they realize is what they re scared of, they need the most.
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that intentional time with themselves, that intentional time with God, that intentional time with community, that intentional time in counseling.
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They need that because if you discover you, if you find out who you were made to be and walk in your purpose and get confident in that thing, then you actually will attract what you really want to love.
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And most people are attracting
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to their insecurities.
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Ooh, man, that s true.
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You re attracting based on your trauma, not on the healed version of you.
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Right.
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And so you re looking for somebody to play savior and they can t.
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They ve never been able to have that ability in this life.
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And so I would just encourage those people.
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I know it s hard.
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I know it s frustrating.
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I know you probably even tried before.
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But as someone who can identify with you, as someone who did not want to face their trauma, did not want to talk about the bad stuff that happened, did not want to even block stuff out.
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No, I m not going there.
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The journey that I ve gone on,
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to actually take everything that has damaged me and say, you know what?
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I may be damaged, but I m not destroyed.
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This thing that was trauma, it actually can be fuel to make me triumph.
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I learned that the value was still in me.
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And then once I learned the value was in me, then I could give and add value to other people.
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And so I m telling you, it may be hard, but it s going to be worth it.
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Wow.
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You ve been married for 14 years now?
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14 years.
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14 years.
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Together 21, is that right?
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Yeah, this is my high school sweetheart.
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Met her when I was 15 years old and she s still the finest woman I ve ever seen in my life.
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That s amazing.
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I love her.
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I m assuming, I don t want to put words in your mouth, but I m assuming that when you met her, you weren t... I was a boy.
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You weren t on the healing journey yet.
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No, I was a boy.
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I was still messing up.
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You had traumas, you had challenges, you were struggling.
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And I m assuming when you got married, you still had a lot of traumas and challenges, right?
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Yes.
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So how do you...
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heal in relationship if you ve made a commitment to someone already and you realize, oh, you know what?
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I still got my wounds and traumas and I m still kind of messing up in certain ways.
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And maybe she is too.
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But we ve been together for three, four, five, six, seven years now.
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Now we got kids and we re realizing we ve been trauma bonding or reacting or triggering each other or hurting each other unintentionally, or I ve been hurting myself.
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Is it too late to heal and repair because of the baggage of someone in a relationship?
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Yeah.
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Or can you still heal and mend and recreate a new relationship in a broken relationship?
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I m not saying yours was broken.
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But this is this is what I do.
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And for everybody that s listening, you have to go get my book, Relationship Goals.
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This is not what we re
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we re talking about, but it will help you.
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It s how to win in marriage, dating, and sex.
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And you really need to get that.
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And my answer to your question, Louis, is yes.
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Overwhelmingly yes.
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Two broken people.
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who make a decision to do something are way more powerful than a broken person who decides I don t want to try.
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Like trying turns into training
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And training can change your destiny.
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And so I ve seen it in my life.
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I ve seen it, because the reason I say get the book, because I tell you all the stuff I did.
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I messed up.
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I jacked up.
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I lied.
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I had months of insanity.
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I did all that other stuff.
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But this is my motto, progression, not perfection.
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If somebody sees that you are moving forward or making attempts, statistics tell us that their ability to have grace for your mistakes grow exponentially.
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Many times people are frustrated by the immobility of somebody, or the paralyzation of somebody, or the nonchalant, I don t care, I m not doing nothing attitude.
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But when somebody sees somebody trying, their grace goes up significantly.
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What I m saying is, it can t be one-sided, but if two people come together and say, you know what, we ve been jacked up.
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We ve been messing each other up.
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I trigger you, you trigger me, this turns into all of this stuff.
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We ve made mistakes to each other, yeah.
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We ve made mistakes, we ve jacked up, we ve cheated, we ve hurt each other, we ve spent money that people didn t know.
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Let s be real about it.
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I went on a vacation with my girls and you had no idea what was happening.
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Were you really out with your boys watching the game?
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Come on, like real stuff.
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I have seen all of those things change when people have made a decision.
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And this is what I say, I think I told you earlier, it applies to so many areas of your life.
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When you make a decision, your decision changes into a discipline.
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You have to do something that s a discipline.
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Okay, we re going to go to counseling once every two weeks.
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or we re going to meet with another couple that s older than us and ask them how the hell they didn t kill each other.
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You know what I m saying?
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We need a discipline.
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We re going to take walks together.
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We re going to talk.
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We re going to make a discipline.
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But once you get that discipline, somewhere around the consistency being all the time, even when you don t want to, it turns into a desire.
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You literally go from a decision to a discipline to a desire, and that desire continued will change your destiny.
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You can apply that to any area of your life.
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You can apply it to relationships, money.
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You can apply it to what we were talking about earlier, health and working out.
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But I m telling you, this is the formula for life.
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It is a decision.
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I don t want to, but I m going to do it.
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to a discipline.
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I don t feel like it, but I m going to do it.
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Which then one day turns into a desire.
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Man, I actually want to do this.
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And then it changes your destiny.
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And if you can apply that to any area of your life with consistency,
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you will take every trauma situation, and it has to turn into triumph.
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Every single one of them.
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And that s something you ve been doing in your health journey over the last year now, year and a half?
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About two years.
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Two years.
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Because when I saw you, I think it was about two years ago when I saw you last.
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Yeah, I was a little fluffier, bro.
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I was a little more packed on.
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I had a little extra weight on me.
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You had some extra love on you.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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But what allowed you to make a decision with your health to optimize health?
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Because it s been a two-year journey.
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You ve been disciplined on this journey of health.
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Was there a trauma holding you back?
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Was there an old pattern holding you back?
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Was it just life was good?
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We re on the School of Greatness podcast.
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I ma be hot, humble, open, and transparent.
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The truth of the matter was I was an emotional eater.
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If we won, I ate.
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If we lost, I ate.
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If somebody died, I ate.
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If somebody had a baby, I ate.
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It was like, what do you do that you are in control of that makes you feel good?
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Cookies and cream ice cream, Bluebell.
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I mean, burgers with cheese.
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And it didn t matter what time of night.
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I d find myself 2 o clock in the morning, like, what s open?
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Ice cream, let s go.
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And I was an emotional eater.
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I never addressed it.
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I never even thought about it.
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When I begin to gain another level of success, responsibility, all of these different things, now it gets magnified because I m feeling it all the time.
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Like I m responsible for this many people s livelihoods and people are depending on me to be inspired and be drawn closer to God and all this other stuff.
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And you start feeling that pressure and what do you do?
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You need a release.
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Food.
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I was eating.
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Bro, I got up to 270 pounds.
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I was 270 pounds.
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I was slow.
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I was trying to hide.
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I was insecure, which tapped into another trigger, another trauma of mine of being insecure about how I looked and how I felt and all that other stuff from young.
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And so I literally got to a point where I was looking at myself and I was like,
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you re not going to be able to do everything that you were put on this earth to do if you do not do something about this issue.
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Right.
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Your current identity did not fulfill your future vision.
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See, bro, you talking my language right now.
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I ll say it like this.
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My future self could not get there without my present self.
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Right.
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And my present self was
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Killing me right like it was literally destroying all of the opportunity all of the thing and I was like I got to do something about right and so I started on a journey, bro And literally I couldn t do five push-ups like I m gonna I m gonna put it out there for every person That s like no.
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I should be able to do more than this.
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I was 35 years old I
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I could not do five pushups.
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I had to start with five and 10 dumbbell weights.
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I was out of shape.
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I could not run for more than five minutes.
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Like it was horrible.
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And everybody laughing right now, just, okay, hold your horses.
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Cause now it s a whole different thing.
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Like literally for a two year process, I turned my garage into a gym.
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The trainer comes to my house six days a week.
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Like I invested money.
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I invested in equipment.
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I stopped buying cars and stopped doing all the other stuff because what good is it to have a vehicle that I can drive that looks good and the vehicle God gave me is trash.
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Like think about it, how many people are driving in luxury cars and the one vehicle that you get and you can t trade out and you can t lease out, you are literally riding around or walking around in a hoopty.
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And I was like, no, I m gonna put this into this.
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And literally I ve lost over 50 pounds.
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I m stronger than I ve ever been in my whole life.
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But the truth of the matter is the least thing that happened to me is the physical transformation.
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It s what happened to my mind.
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It s what happened to my emotions.
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I am more confident in my word now than I have ever been.
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In your word.
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In my word.
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Because a lot of times we say stuff and the reason it doesn t happen is because we don t believe what we say.
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A lot of times, it s not anybody external.
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It s like, I m gonna make a million dollars, and it s like, ah, I don t even believe that.
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Like, hopefully it happens, but like, you don t believe your own word.
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And the person that you need to trust the most when it comes to doing what you need to do is yourself.
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And many times, we know how many times we break our promises to ourselves.
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I m not gonna eat the cake, and 10 minutes later, you re eating the cake.
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I m not gonna talk to her, or I m not gonna make that business deal.
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Ah, it s too much money.
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Like, we know.
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that the person, if you really evaluate the person who is broken, their promise to you more than anybody is you.
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That s true.
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So what happens when you don t trust you?
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It makes you approach other people differently.
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And so for me, this process has made me trust myself.
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I know when I did 75 Hard, and I don t know if you know about the program.
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Yeah, I know for Salatini, yeah.
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Yeah, bro, I did 75 Hard.
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That s hard.
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It s hard.
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Two-a-days.
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Two-a-days.
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One has to be outside a gallon of water.
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Read ten pages of a book.
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You got the whole thing.
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I did it.
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And I did it not in this shape.
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I did it a year ago.
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Oh, man, that s even harder.
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Oh, bro.
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But when I finished that,
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This is not a season anymore.
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This is my lifestyle.
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I believe me now.
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So doing the physical work with the emotional and spiritual work, I feel like a new person, bro.
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I have literally turned into a different person with the same values, but a different vehicle.
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That s incredible.
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And that is what I desire for everybody.
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It was like my life was in black and white and now it s in full HD color.
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And I believe that those three components, the spiritual side, connection with God, the physical side, connection with yourself, and the emotional side, the connection with everything that s happened to you, if you work on those, if you do the hard work in those areas, the quality of life that you will live is off the charts.
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Damaged but not destroyed is what we re talking about with the book.
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What do you think you would have been in five to 10 years?
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Because you had been, there was a groundswell around you, really about four years ago, five years ago, that kind of like social media, all these people in your community and the world is now paying attention to you and your message and your content and your books and your voice.
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And for great reason, right?
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Because you re bringing a lot of joy, inspiration, and service to people.
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Where do you think you would be in five to ten years had you not taken care of the commitment to the decision to being disciplined with your health?
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But you re still on the rise, you re still serving, you re getting all this real estate, you re impacting people.
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Millions of people are following you.
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Where would you be in five to ten years?
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I would have unhealthy habits that would Jeopardize everything really?
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Oh Well, it s how the human nature is if you re not healthy, but you still are making great impact
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What ends up happening is that great impact starts to affect you differently because it becomes a harder pressure because you do not have the vehicle or the, yeah, vehicle.
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The container.
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The container to do what you need to do.
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So you need to find ways to medicate.
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To numb, to medicate, to whatever, release.
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To release all of those words.
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And that s when people start making stupid decisions.
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What are the decisions that most people make?
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It s been the same since the beginning of time.
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It s the girls, the gold, it s the greed.
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You start taking more than you re supposed to.
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investing in relationships that have no actual benefit for your life.
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You start becoming, you got into it with the right motivation, and now the motivation is just money.
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And so it changes the heart and the content of what you re doing, because it s not about actually helping people, it s about how many people can help me.
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Like, when motives change,
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the ways that I release change.
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And then, I mean, we haven t even talked about the substance abuse.
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Like, I can t tell you how many athletes and people that I mentor and pray for and help that they re literally inebriated more than half of the day.
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Like- Smoking, alcohol, drugs, mushrooms, whatever, yeah.
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They re literally not remembering the life they prayed for.
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Wow.
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They were in some locker room or somebody s mom s house praying that they could get into this situation.
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And now they are so overcome with their past traumas and their current pressures that they are literally numbing themselves and saying, bro, I don t even remember.
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So you re living the greatest moment of your life and you don t even remember it.
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And it s because this is what we do as humans.
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Cause I don t believe that God created our bodies to be able to handle
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But if you never stop and examine it, it would have been the same thing that destroyed me.
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Right.
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It helped you get to a certain level.
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Yeah.
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But just like the same thing that helped Mike Tyson get to world champion status is also the thing that destroyed him.
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And this is why I m telling everybody who s listening right now, it may be time to stop and evaluate.
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Just because you re doing good doesn t mean you re doing good.
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But Mike, how can I stop when I need to be relevant?
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How can I stop when my competitors in the space are going to outperform me?
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How can I stop when so much is dependent on me right now?
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And so what I m going to say to you is your value system is broken.
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Like, if that s all that matters to you is your competitor and not your actual piece,
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If all that matters to you is I need to be relevant instead of I actually need to be real, have it.
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And we ll see how long you can do that.
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But I m telling you as I counsel and I lived it and I ve been with and I m on the phone with people every day who are like, I mean, how do you, how in the world do you commit suicide with hundreds of million dollars in the bank?
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How do you?
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How do you beat all your competitors and you don t want to live?
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Like we ve seen that story a hundred times and we always chop it up like, man, that s sad for them.
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But we don t realize that if we don t deal with the things that we got stuffed back in the closet of our lives and how our parents treated us and how we didn t get picked for certain things.
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And I m not trying to give anybody their story.
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But what I am saying is that for all of us, if we live in this world, there is something that has happened to us.
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And for many people, it s very dramatic stuff that has happened to you that you don t even talk about.
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Nobody, your husband, your wife, your closest friends don t even know.
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But if you don t deal with it.
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What ends up happening is at some point, it may be the very thing that delays or totally destroys your destiny.
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And what I m trying to tell you is, like right now, you watching this, you listening to me and Lewis talk about this, this is your sign.
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It s time to start working on the old stuff.
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It s time to start dealing with the trauma.
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And I believe that all of your damage can actually be the thing that turns into your destiny.
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Every wrong, bad thing that I ve done,
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I have now used and turned that pain into a platform.
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And it s the very reason why people relate to me.
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It s the very reason I m on this podcast right now.
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It s the very reason that we re doing anything.
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But it s like, if you don t do it, it s going to take away from you instead of add to you.
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So over the last few years for you, as you transformed the emotional eater in you and the insecurity in you,
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into something greater, into security and peace and cautious eating.
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I m sure you re not perfect in your eating style, but you re more intentional eating.
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I brought my meals with me.
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Exactly, man.
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What was the value system that you had before, and now what is the new value system that you ve upgraded to?
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Okay, so I ll have several layers to this that go into the book, but let me just say this.
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It can be broken down very simply is, I cared about people s thoughts of me.
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Now I care about my inner peace.
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Right.
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So you can t have both.
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If people s thoughts of you are more valuable, then you will do everything to keep that going even at the peril of yourself.
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You ll be a constant people pleaser.
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And that is exhausting.
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It s not just exhausting, it will make you extinct.
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It will king the reason why you do what you do.
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So like practically how this works in my life is that I m telling you my engine is I gotta be great, I gotta be great, I gotta be great.
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Like this is my whole story.
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We have a breakdown, my son has autism, my wife is depressed, all of these things are happening.
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I had to cancel six months of engagements.
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Wow.
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Speaking engagements.
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I mean commitments.
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It was all my money, right?
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I Literally had to say what I want Do I want to look up five years from now and have made how many ever?
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Thousands of dollars that would have been or do I want my family?
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There s no-brainer are people gonna be mad at me are people gonna be frustrated.
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I m already on the bill.
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They may never invite me back But these are the people
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that I committed to and I want to be healthy more than all of that.
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So I could have been a people pleaser or I could have done what would have happened, what was best for my inner peace.
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And so it hurt to cancel all summer 2019 all the way to December.
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I mean, every conference I d ever gone to, they were paying me to come.
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I was flying all over the world.
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You were on the rise.
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I was going, I mean, literally everywhere.
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Australia, Africa, London.
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I was everything.
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And I had to call them and cancel all of them.
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Wow.
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So you had to cut the idea of being a people pleaser as well.
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Immediately.
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Which is painful for a people pleaser.
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For anybody who wants to be great.
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And you think that your greatness is on the other side of a connection.
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Oh.
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And I had to realize that my greatness came from the purpose that I believe God gave me before I was here.
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And so maybe this was something that was gonna make me and I was right.
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Like literally that was the summer that everything changed.
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Really?
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Oh my God.
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When I wasn t going after it, something started happening in me.
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And so many times we re so busy that we cannot see what s actually going on.
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I needed a break.
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I needed time to be out of the hustle and bustle to be able to actually evaluate, like, what do I care about?
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Like, what s important?
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What brings me peace?
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Like, okay, I got money in the bank, but I m still stressed.
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Like, I m still hurting.
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I m still frustrated.
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And once that happened,
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Just it was like the floodgates opened like everything in business Everything in my relationship everything because I started working on what was going on in the inside of me, man And that s why again the message that I m coming with with damage, but not destroyed.
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I just want to be a coach I want to be a guy because I ve been through it and and most people write this book at 65 70
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Like, the stuff I m talking about in here, you wait till you re way past it.
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And I was like, no.
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I said, because somebody needs to know in their late 30s, in their early 20s, in their mid 40s, in their 50s, like, now is the time to start dealing with this stuff.
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Because the life on the other side of it has way more value than the one you re living now.
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Right.
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That s so true.
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You know, I think something we have in common is we both lean on mentors and guides to give us counsel, to give us feedback.
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And one of the things that stood out for me the last time we connected is that you lean on a mentor and you have for over a decade, at least as you ve been a pastor.
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And one of your mentors early on, I don t know if this is the same guy who s eating the eggs, but one of your mentors said, you ve got to take at least a month off a year.
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That s the same guy.
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Same guy, yeah.
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Tim Ross.
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What s his name?
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Tim Ross.
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Yeah.
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And that stuck with me because I go, wow, you had just come off like, I think, again, the number one New York Times bestseller.
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I think when I saw you and you re like, you either just came back from a month off or you were like, I m about to go on a month off.
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No, I m about to go on it.
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Yeah, you re like, but I was like, but this thing just hit number one.
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Don t you have to go like promote it more and like do all the press?
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You re like,
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You said something like this is the time where when everything is hot and you feel like you ve got to go even more and go farther, that s the time you need to take a break if you ve already pre-scheduled that.
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Don t just jump in because there s more opportunity.
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Be there for yourself first and allow for opportunities to continue to come.
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Yeah.
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I told you last time I said I live on principle.
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Most people live on opinions.
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I live on principle.
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And so a principle is something outside of you that governs you even when you don t want it to.
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Right.
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And so for me, the principle was, for what I do, I need to take a month, and I need to give to myself, my family, my spiritual health, because I m giving out a lot.
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I m trying to add value to people all the time, and I need to do this.
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And so literally, when we did relationship goals,
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It hits number one.
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Number one.
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I barely passed English class.
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Okay, let s be very clear about this, Lewis.
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And my first book goes number one New York Times bestseller, okay?
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13 weeks it s on the New York Times bestseller list.
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13.
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And it comes down to the time.
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that I m supposed to go on my sabbatical.
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And the only reason it s gonna come off the New York Times bestseller list is because I stopped promoting it.
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My publisher s like, hey, hey, I know what you said.
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And this was where I felt like my internal spiritual guide was saying to me, this is when I m gonna see if you re a real man or not.
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Are you gonna keep your word to yourself?
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And I said, I got to do it.
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I shut off social media.
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I shut off everything.
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And as well, I shut off the New York Times bestseller.
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Right, because the week you left is off the list.
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That s crazy.
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How did that make you feel, though?
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I felt like I won.
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Wow, because at the end of the day, I became a better man more than I sold more books and became a better success to other people.
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And this is the crazy thing.
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My next book, New York Times bestseller.
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So I feel like it was the seed I sowed on obeying what I knew I needed to do and live on principle.
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that then paid it forward for the next book.
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Most people don t get one New York Times bestseller, let alone two.
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Your first two books are both New York Times bestseller books.
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I didn t have no big marketing team or anything.
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I believe that was the nod from God.
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He did it.
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He did it.
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And that s where for me, I just feel like
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When you do the things you know you need to do to preserve yourself, it always works out for you in the end.
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That s true.
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It does.
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When someone goes through the damaged but not destroyed path, and they start facing their traumas or things from their past, they start facing it as opposed to running from it.
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And they start to feel a sense of inner triumph.
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They start to feel a sense of peace.
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They start to feel a sense of harmony.
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They start to feel like their full authentic selves.
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And maybe they ve gotten out of a couple of bad relationships, and now they did this work, because they realized that I m part of the problem.
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I am the problem, right?
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I m in all these relationships about me.
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Yeah, I m the only one that keep going to the relationships.
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And they ve taken this time, and they ve reflected.
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And now they start going on some dates.
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They start having some fun.
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They start connecting with people.
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They start meeting people.
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How do they know when they re choosing the right partner for them?
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So now you asking a real big question.
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It depends on where you feel your purpose is.
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You do not pick partnerships based on pleasure.
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You pick partnerships based on purpose.
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And I think that s where a lot of people get messed up.
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There are a lot of people you can be compatible with, but they re not going in the same direction as you.
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If me and you were to say right now, let s go to Disney World, there are probably 15 different paths to get there.
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And there are some people that are like, well, let me stop way over here and let me go over here.
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But if we were riding in the same car together, we would have to go on the same road
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on the same highway, getting to the same place because our purpose was to go to this destination.
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I think a big part of my burden for our generation when it comes to business partnerships, relationships, all those things, is to pick partners for purpose, not just for pleasure.
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Yes.
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Because the pleasure wears off when you get in a pit.
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Like when it ain t working, when we lost the money, when you used to dress up for me and now you looking like a grandma.
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Like all of those things, that s when you have to pick partners that you remember.
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Why did we get together?
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What was the purpose of this?
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What did we say we were going to do?
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And so a lot of times when people are starting to date and have fun and do all the different things, they re not thinking purpose.
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And it s hard to think purpose when you have not spent enough time with yourself personally.
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That s true.
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So because you don t know, like the only way again, congratulations to you and your beautiful fiance.
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But part of the reason y all connect is because of where y all both want to collectively go.
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100%.
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If she wanted to be in a different country as a scuba diver instructor, and you knew you were supposed to be here doing this,
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it would conflict with what you could do together.
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And maybe you could be in a relationship for a while, and then you start saying, hey, I miss you.
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And she was like, well, the fish, I love the fish.
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And I m being very sarcastic, but what I m saying is that is what a lot of our relationships look like.
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It s like the sex is bomb, we connect physically, but our purposes don t align.
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And it can only last so long to have the sexual chemistry or connection all by itself.
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That never has worked.
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If that worked, all relationships would be together.
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The truth of the matter is there would be no divorce.
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And that s why I say, again, in relationship goals, there is a formula or a pattern that I believe that has been set out, that has worked from generation to generation to generation,
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if you get the right relationships right first, if you get the relationship right with yourself, the relationship right with God, and then you can get the relationship right with somebody else, then that pattern takes you to where you need to be.
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What I m hearing you say is that when you re in alignment with your higher purpose, and when you re in alignment with your own individual purpose of who you are,
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you ll start to align with someone else and you ll start to see, okay, we re on the right track together.
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And maybe you like different things, but we have a similar idea about a vision and a value system for our life.
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And then what happens is the most magical part.
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Tell me.
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Is that you guys make each other better.
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So my purpose, I thought I had a purpose until I met my wife.
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And when we got together, it was like, oh, I thought it was going to happen like this.
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We are greater together.
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That s where the scripture says two are better than one because they have great success on their investment and two are better than one because if one falls, the other one can be there to pick them up.
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How can one stay warm by itself?
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No, they need each other.
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Like there is exponential growth.
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There is exponential clarity.
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There is exponential success when two people are going the same way for purpose and they re in partnership.
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Interesting.
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And that s why a lot of times I just tell people it s very hard to pick a partner if you don t know the purpose.
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If you were starting a company and you re doing tech and somebody else is doing agriculture, that s not the partner you would pick.
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You would pick somebody in that same space so that y all could go the same way together.
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But what about someone like you?
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You met your wife when you were in high school, high school sweethearts.
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You didn t really know what your purpose was at that point.
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You just were like, ah, we like each other.
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We love each other.
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We want to be together.
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Let s do this.
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Let s have fun.
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Let s be together.
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You know, and I think a lot of people, not that that s wrong, but a lot of people get into relationship out of attraction, likeability.
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They start loving each other and they re just like, let s just be together without asking the questions about purpose.
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So if someone s already gotten into a relationship and they re like, we don t have a purpose, how can they create that as opposed to just end the relationship?
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And how can they make sure that they re both in alignment?
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So what I would encourage everybody to do, and this is why I encourage you, if you have teenagers or if you have young kids or anything, you need to get them relationship goals because there s just certain things that if it s not talked about or you re not known, like you re just going to fall into crap.
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and then you re gonna have to deal with the consequences.
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So like, I don t think people should do that, but this is a practical step that people can do.
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You need to go somewhere that you guys like as a couple and have a vision retreat.
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I did this with Martha.
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You did it?
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After three months of dating her, before we got committed, we went to Sedona.
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Okay.
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And we did a vision retreat.
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Yes.
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A vision and a values retreat.
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I love it.
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We both had a journal.
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I told her to bring a journal.
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I took her to a top of a
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I don t know if you ve ever been to Sedona, but it s essentially a rock.
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It s supposed to have energy or something, right?
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Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.
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So we went to the top of a rock, and I said, listen, I m going to do an exercise for us.
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Put in some meditative music, just us two up there, sunset.
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I said, I want you to dream.
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Dream about the future, about what you want to create in your future and our potential future.
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And I would love for you to, for a few minutes, to write down all of your main values in your life now and what you re going to value in the future.
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At least what you think you re going to value.
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Maybe some stuff changes, but at least your core values.
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And she did this exercise, and I did it separately on a different piece of paper.
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And I did the same thing.
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Because I didn t want us to be influenced by seeing someone else s.
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And we brought them together and we said, let s review this.
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And it s kind of a moment of truth.
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Do our values align?
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And thankfully, our values were very much in alignment.
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And maybe there s a few things that she had different than me and vice versa.
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But I was like, OK, cool.
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I have no problem with that.
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And she had no problem with mine.
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So we aligned.
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And that gave me clarity and peace.
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And I said, okay, what is our vision for a relationship?
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What is the vision that you want?
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Because maybe it s completely different than what I want.
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So we both did that exercise and we came together and we said, this is the vision.
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And it s really to have a purposeful relationship, to be a relationship that is of service to each other and to the world.
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That s beautiful.
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And since we were both in alignment, I was like, man, I feel really peaceful.
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Let s make this happen.
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Let s commit to this.
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But let s think about it.
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What is an alignment?
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If you take your car in for an alignment, what they do is they lift it up and they start making sure that everything is balanced so that we can actually get back on the rough road
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and still stay together.
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Right.
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Yeah, not fall apart.
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Not fall apart.
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That s true.
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The wheels don t want the wheels to fall off.
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And we don t want one wheel to be low so it makes us
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drift a certain way.
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And so I would just encourage couples, business partners, friends that may have gone through different seasons, because that s what me and Natalie had to do.
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I went from a boy to a man.
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And so we had to revision every decade.
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Like, and I would encourage every relationship to do that.
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Revision every decade.
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You re not the same when you re in small kids to now you have teenagers.
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You re not the same to when you have teenagers to when they re out the house.
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And a lot of people that have great relationships in one season have horrible relationships in a different season because they ve never revisioned.
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They ve never fake, okay, the kids are gone.
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Like, what do we value now?
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Yeah, and your vision when you were 17 together is different than your vision now.
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It s completely different because of the trials we ve been through, the trauma we ve been through, the triumphs we ve experienced, as well as the world we live in.
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I mean, the world we live in now compared to when we were
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18, 19, it s completely different.
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And so I would just encourage people like, yeah, like get a vision and values.
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I love that, that s a beautiful ad.
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A vision and values retreat or some time and just really realign.
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And when you add the faith component into that and you add the family component into that, it changes the focus.
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Faith, family, focus, when you get that together, bro,
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It then gives you motivation of why you go to work.
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It gives you a why.
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And too many people I m finding, especially out of the pandemic, they ve lost their why.
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Why am I doing this?
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Why is this important?
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And that s why I, again, in this book, try to help people realize this may be a pain point.
6
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This may have been a hit you didn t see coming.
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I say this all the time.
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There s no hit like the one you don t see coming.
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Like that s when you like get the haymaker and you get weak in the knee.
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And I think relationally as well as personally, a lot of people have had some hits in the last five to 10 years.
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I didn t know this was going to happen.
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Health, relationships, career, money.
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Well, I didn t know.
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There was no way.
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Everything was bright and sunny, and then it was just a storm.
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And that shit has caused trauma that has made people not get back up.
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Right.
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But I believe that all of those things, if you would just get some of the right tools, and that s what I try to provide you with in this book, some right tools, you could actually turn all that trauma into your greatest triumph ever.
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So when did you start preaching?
6
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Was it 10, 15 years ago?
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Bro, I don t even know it was an accident.
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It was like something I just stumbled.
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It s been over 10 years, right?
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It s been over 10 years.
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About 15.
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Call it 15 years.
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And you ve been married almost 15 years.
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Yeah.
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And you have seen a rise of service, of opportunity, of abundance to yourself, of transformation, of healing, all these different things.
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You got four beautiful kids, right?
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You got all these different blessings that have come to your life and you ve been able to bless countless people in your community and globally, some that you know, some that you ll never meet.
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And you ve done a lot of this in the last 15 years.
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And you have a lot of mentors that you reach out to that give you wisdom, that give you counsel.
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But if you had to go 15 years into the future, to your future self 15 years from now, and be the mentor to you today, what would be that counsel you would say after all the things you re about to go through in the next 15 years, after all the ups and downs, the beauty, the joy, the impact, the service, if you could imagine time suspended and you re creating and developing, all these things are happening,
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And you re now 40, I don t know, you re almost 50 at that point, 52 or something.
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What advice would you give yourself today?
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Yeah.
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Authenticity is your superpower.
6
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Be real and admit when you re wrong.
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If you enjoy the journey, people will enjoy it with you.
6
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history will be on your side.
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I heard the quote that said that people overestimate what they can do in one year and underestimate what they can do in 10.
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I ve really adopted that because our world right now is so, what s in the news media today?
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What do you do today?
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What do you do today?
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But like 10 years, how many times have people risen and fallen?
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How many times has the market went up or come down?
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How many times have people made tons of money and lost money?
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Like how many, like, but if you just stay consistent, be disciplined, enjoy the journey, be authentic.
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I never have to walk into any room and be something.
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I m me.
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And I see a lot of my friends and a lot of people around me and they gotta get ready.
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They gotta put on to do something.
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And I, that must be exhausting.
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Hmm, but if you could be authentic and enjoy the journey people enjoy it with you.
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Yeah, you ll find the people enjoy it history will be on your side like if you do everything that adds value to people and and you actually are valuing who you are to and
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It just creates a life that is actually admirable and a life that I believe that more people really want to live.
6
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They re searching for it everywhere.
6
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They re searching for it in the bottle.
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They re searching for it in pills.
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They re searching for it in porn.
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They re searching for it in success.
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And I know because I ve looked in all those places.
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But the only place I found it is in a relationship with the creator and in a relationship with myself.
6
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Like, that s where everything started coming together.
6
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And when that stuff started to come together, everybody around me is blessed by default.
6
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Like, being a service to the world, you only can be service to the world when you first become a service to yourself.
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And now, everybody, everything around me
6
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Every time a tree is planted with fruit, that fruit s coming off and it s gonna nourish everybody.
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But if that seed is jacked up, it never gets the opportunity to grow and produce the fruit.
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And so, yeah, I think that s what I would just, I would tell myself and anybody else if I was the mentor.
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Yeah.
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Speaking of service and purpose, you live a life of service.
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Yes, sir.
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And we have a mutual friend in common that you,
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have been of service to even though, you know, it wasn t a popular decision for you to do so.
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Yeah.
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Or people didn t want you to support and help out or whatever when they were on the fall or when they were struggling or when they were, you know, in a bad light.
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Yeah.
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Why make decisions to help or be of service to people or lean on people and let them lean on you when maybe others don t think that s the right move or it s not good image or they don t like that decision?
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Why make those decisions when it could hurt your business, people could leave your church, people could say nasty things about you?
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Why try to lift someone up when maybe they ve done something justifiably that s caused other people to be upset?
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Why lean on support and lifting others up when they re in a bad place?
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Uh, in society.
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Yeah.
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So I m going to go ahead and, uh, show my whole faith, uh, um, card right now because this who I am, I believe for me, um, number one, the Bible says, do unto others as you would want them to do unto you.
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So for me, if I was in a bad spot,
6
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If I messed up after helping all these people in the name of God and declaring Jesus and being with Christian and all this other stuff, and I still am human and I messed up, I would pray that somebody who says that they love God and God is love, I pray that somebody that represents him would come and help me.
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And for me,
6
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doing unto others as I would want them to do to me, I feel like is a seed and a testimony of what I call the grace of God.
6
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Like, I m a jacked up person, Lewis.
6
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Like, I ve written some cool books, and I ve made it through 14 years of marriage, but I was addicted to pornography.
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I was a liar.
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I was a manipulator.
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I had been arrested for car insurance fraud.
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I had all this other stuff.
6
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I know what s in me without God, without the transformation that has happened through my relationship and my faith.
6
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And so when I see people down and out, when I see people hurting, when I see people broken, especially people who carried a heavy weight in the faith community, like, I just feel like it is my responsibility as a brother and a sister to reach out and to just help.
6
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There s a story in the Bible with a good Samaritan.
6
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People have heard it even if you re not a Christian or anything like that.
6
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This man s beat up and jacked up on the road and the priest passes it.
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And then the person who leads the worship passes them.
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And it s just this Samaritan that comes and usually they don t even
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communicate with each other, but they take some to the end and says, hey, clean this dude up, put it on my tab.
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I ll be back tomorrow, I ll take care of everything.
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And Jesus is telling this story and is like, who s more like me?
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The guy who represents me and is in the church?
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The person who sings to me?
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Or the person that was just on the street that said, I ll take care of it.
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There s nothing they can do for me, but I ll take care of it.
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That s who I want to be.
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You don t got to know my name.
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You don t got to know all that.
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I just want to actually be of service.
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We ve said it several times.
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Be of value and help people because one life can turn into millions of people s lives being changed.
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And so for me, man, I had to get rid of that people pleasing to even do that though.
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Gosh, it s so hard.
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Do you understand what I m saying?
7
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Because like, if you stand by somebody who people don t want you to stand by.
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They re not gonna like you.
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They re not gonna like you.
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And for me, people cannot like me as long as I know I m in right standing with God.
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That s beautiful.
7
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And so for me, I ve gotten used to like, actually, I say this all the time, is a lot of people hear the message of the Bible,
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Or, and they hear it, but they don t live out the method of the Bible.
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And for me, I want to live it out.
7
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I want to actually be loved to people.
7
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I want to show love.
7
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I want people, I tell people at our church all the time, you can belong before you believe.
7
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Like, you don t got to believe.
7
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Like, let s just be friends.
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Let s have relationship.
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Maybe something you hear, you d be like, I can use that.
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Like, and then I take it a step further.
7
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You can belong before you behave.
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Right.
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Okay, you still going to the club and having sex with everybody?
7
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All right, cool.
7
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But at least maybe you re hearing something that could potentially encourage you to do something different.
7
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And for me, I know it s not popular opinion, but that s what I needed.
7
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I needed somebody to be that real, that authentic, and that accepting.
7
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And I believe that the message of Jesus Christ is actually that sometimes we ve just had bad representatives.
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And so I m just trying to represent.
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My man.
7
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We re talking about damage, but not destroyed from trauma to triumph make sure you guys get a copy or two and give it to a friend this will inspire you lots of great stories lessons tools and Takeaways, so make sure you guys get a few of these copies We can get it at your website.
7
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We can get it everywhere on and get it on Barnes & Noble
7
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And people can follow you on social media.
7
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You are iammiketodd.
7
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And also iammiketodd.com.
7
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We ll have the links up for this as well, where people can get it.
7
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If they follow you anywhere, they ll see this out there.
7
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A couple of final questions for you, man.
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This has been really powerful.
7
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This has been amazing.
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Thanks for coming on.
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This has been really cool.
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This is every time though.
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Yeah, the next time it would just be just as good, man.
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Let s go.
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I asked you this question last time, the last couple questions I have.
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I asked you this last time.
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I m curious if it s changed.
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It s called the three truths.
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So imagine hypothetically it s your last day on earth.
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You get to live as long as you want to live.
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You get to create and generate and serve the way you want to.
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But for whatever reason, on this last day, you ve got to take all of your content with you.
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Books, conversations, they re all gone to the next place.
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And you got to turn the lights off in this world.
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But before you leave, you get to leave behind three lessons.
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And this is all we would have of your content are these three truths.
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What would be those three truths for you?
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Number one, God is love.
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The second message would be, you re valuable.
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And the third would be, let your family be your greatest achievement.
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Because I wouldn t be gone, but they d still be here.
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And if you take all my content away, it would live through them.
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Just got to chill.
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Just thinking about that.
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This book I dedicated to my grandchildren.
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Oh, that s beautiful.
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I have no grandchildren yet.
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My oldest is 10 years old, but it was said a good man leaves an inheritance to his children s children.
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And so the inheritance I want to leave is not just physical things.
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I m going to leave them that.
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But I want to leave them emotional health and spiritual health.
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And I believe this book, the content, the value, it s showing up in my daughters and my son and in their kids.
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And my family will be my greatest
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success story.
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Because that keeps living on.
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Absolutely.
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That is beautiful, man.
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Can I share something about the back cover real quick?
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Yeah, go ahead.
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OK.
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So if you look at this back cover real quick, and I wrote this.
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This is the one the publisher wanted me to have.
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They wanted me to smile.
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OK.
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But this is my cover right here.
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And we did a double cover.
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This is three generations of Todman.
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Of you?
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Of my whole family, every man in my family.
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Oh, wow.
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This is my dad s cheek.
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These are my brothers.
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This is me, this is my eye, and this is my son s eye.
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Oh my gosh.
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But it still looks like me.
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Wow, that s great.
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But it s every man that is close to me.
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And this is to paint the picture that if you don t deal with your damage, you affect every person you love.
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Wow.
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And this is what I said in the book, what s not transformed is transferred.
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So if I don t deal with what I m seeing in my eye, it goes to what my son sees in his eye.
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And so this is like the most powerful creative picture, shout out to my little brother Grayson and my god brother John who came up with this concept, but this is why you need to deal with your stuff because the people you say you love the most will experience the most effect if you don t.
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And if you can t figure it out for yourself, at least do it for the people you love.
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Dude, this is amazing, man.
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I m so excited for this.
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I want people to get a copy.
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Damaged but not destroyed.
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That s a really cool concept right there.
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Before I ask the final question, Michael, I want to acknowledge you, man, for...
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Doing things that are of service, not to impress people.
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Doing things that are on purpose, not to people please.
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And doing things your way, which is in alignment to a higher power for you.
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Not because you re trying to keep up with everyone else.
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So I really acknowledge you for that, man.
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Thank you, brother.
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Because I ve heard great things about you from other people.
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I loved our interactions.
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I love the conversations we ve got to have.
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And I hope we have many more to come.
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We re going to have more, brother, more.
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On and off this show.
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You re about to get married, brother.
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So I got a lot of wisdom that I can share with you, baby.
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I m going to be reaching out to you and say, tell me all that.
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Hit me up, bro.
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Hit me up.
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Final question for you, and this is an interesting one because we all have a different definition of it.
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What is your definition of greatness?
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Oh my goodness, I m on the school of greatness.
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My definition of greatness, if you would have asked me this a year and a half ago, two years ago, it would have been different because that s all I could accept.
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I m fine with people being great, but it cannot be the only thing that s acceptable.
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So for me, my definition of greatness has changed to greatness is being good at what you know your purpose to be.
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Like if you re good at what you know your purpose to be and good at what your purpose to do, you re great.
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And a lot of people wanna be great at everything, but now I just feel like good is okay at what?
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Let me say it like this, good is okay at the right thing.
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And if you re good at the right thing, you re great.
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I hope today s episode inspired you on your journey towards greatness.
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Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today s show with all the important links.
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And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me as well as ad free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our greatness plus channel on apple podcast.
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If you enjoyed this, please share it with a friend over on social media or text a friend.
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Leave us a review over on Apple podcast and let me know what you learned over on our social media channels at Lewis Howes.
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I really love hearing the feedback from you and it helps us continue to make the show better.
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And if you want more inspiration from our world-class guests and content to learn how to improve the quality of your life, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness Newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.
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And if no one has told you today, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.
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And now it s time to go out there and do something great.