0
SPEAKER_02
Okay our next guest is will arnett and unfortunately i m not on this podcast so probably one of the better ones.
0
SPEAKER_02
I do miss interrupting guests and david as much as i possibly can so i did miss that but i don t really have an excuse other than.
0
SPEAKER_02
I forgot that s a good old see my remember i forgot yeah it was illegal here s the reality though in twenty seconds.
0
SPEAKER_02
The week before, someone, I won t name names, said, you ll do it on Wednesday.
0
SPEAKER_02
So I thought it was on Wednesday, and I had it in my head Wednesday.
0
SPEAKER_02
So normally with these things, I just forget Tuesday.
0
SPEAKER_02
I went to get a Presto log at the store.
0
SPEAKER_02
and I left my phone in the car, and I was just watching Lost, the TV show, and I didn t do any phone calls, and I was like, hey, it s Tuesday, I m relaxing, because tomorrow, Wednesday, is Will Arnett.
0
SPEAKER_02
Well, guess what, ladies and gentlemen, Will was on the Riverside Zoom, whatever it is, with David waiting for me, and I just want to apologize to Will Arnett, and the hardest thing to do is to apologize to my partner.
0
SPEAKER_02
David Phineas Spade, my first public apology to my partner in podcast crime.
0
SPEAKER_02
David, from your point of view, what happened?
0
SPEAKER_03
Well, what happened?
0
SPEAKER_03
First of all, I like the slice of Dana s life.
0
SPEAKER_03
I wake up, I go in the backyard and put M-80 firecrackers in a bullfrog s mouth.
0
SPEAKER_03
And then,
0
SPEAKER_03
I bought a Presto log and then I lit my phone on fire in the fireplace instead of the log and that took forever.
0
SPEAKER_02
I thought a little flavor.
0
SPEAKER_03
I like it.
0
SPEAKER_03
So anyway, we started it and Dana, to his chagrin, I don t know, he s always on time and always early and always prepared.
0
SPEAKER_03
And so I got nervous because I was the only one on the Zoom, and then Will popped on.
0
SPEAKER_03
And after a while, I said, Dana must think it s at 5.30, so let s just start.
0
SPEAKER_03
And then he ll jump on.
0
SPEAKER_03
And then, of course, he s getting annoyed with just me because he wants to talk to Dana.
0
SPEAKER_03
And then he goes,
0
SPEAKER_03
So, uh, what s the deal with Dan?
0
SPEAKER_03
Is he jumping on?
0
SPEAKER_03
And I go, Oh yeah, I don t know.
0
SPEAKER_03
He should be on soon.
0
SPEAKER_03
And then I m like, anyway, me, me, me, me, me.
0
SPEAKER_03
And then we laughed and kicked and scratched and tickled.
0
SPEAKER_03
And then it had been the whole time an hour.
0
SPEAKER_03
So I said, I don t know what happened.
0
SPEAKER_03
And then he said, all right, well, if you want to,
0
SPEAKER_03
just do this one or we can do it again.
0
SPEAKER_03
So I said, it was pretty funny, let s do it.
0
SPEAKER_02
Well, here s two thoughts.
0
SPEAKER_02
One thought is, I think I m about 108 podcasts I was there on time and then one loss.
0
SPEAKER_02
So that s pretty good for an NFL team over six seasons.
0
SPEAKER_02
Secondly,
0
SPEAKER_02
I really would have loved to have talked to Will Arnett, but you and he are pretty good friends.
0
SPEAKER_02
You did Snake Oil, the game show with him.
0
SPEAKER_02
So I knew for this particular one, I might ve actually gotten in the way.
0
SPEAKER_02
So I m sure it s a very entertaining.
0
SPEAKER_02
So right now I am the audience.
0
SPEAKER_02
So I m gonna listen to what this podcast is like.
0
SPEAKER_03
This will be good because then you can take notes and say, where were we on?
0
SPEAKER_03
Where are we off?
0
SPEAKER_03
What can we change?
0
SPEAKER_03
Now, objectively.
0
SPEAKER_02
Well, my casual nickname in terms of the podcast is Loud Mouth, and so I try not to be that, so I m sure it s great.
0
SPEAKER_02
I would listen to it if I were driving somewhere right now.
0
SPEAKER_03
Mine is Guestus Interruptus.
0
SPEAKER_02
Well, that s just, you know, that s a genetic brain chemistry thing you have.
0
SPEAKER_02
Like, if someone s on a roll, you ve gotta pounce on it.
0
SPEAKER_03
I gotta kill it, I gotta kill it, I gotta stop it in its fucking tracks.
0
SPEAKER_02
Take the ball and run with it.
0
SPEAKER_03
So here s Will Arnett and we did it.
0
SPEAKER_03
We did laugh a lot.
0
SPEAKER_03
I mean, we were a little bummed because there s no Dana, but we were just sort of bullshitting and that s the best stuff.
0
SPEAKER_03
That s what it all is anyway.
0
SPEAKER_02
You know what?
0
SPEAKER_02
In the end of the day, it really is.
0
SPEAKER_02
We should just call our show bullshit.
0
SPEAKER_02
Bullshit plus.
0
SPEAKER_03
Bullshit plus.
0
SPEAKER_03
We charge more.
0
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_03
Okay, well thanks everybody, and here s Will, and I think you ll laugh and dog ear the parts that you think are funny and let us know.
0
SPEAKER_03
Thank you.
0
SPEAKER_00
Oh my god, it s actually happening.
0
SPEAKER_00
My computer, I had to reboot my, nothing makes me sound older than, I had to reboot my computer.
0
SPEAKER_00
Dude, you know what you do?
0
SPEAKER_00
You go to www.
0
SPEAKER_00
Hang on.
0
SPEAKER_00
W. Wifi help dot.
0
SPEAKER_00
Okay, start, okay, hang on.
0
SPEAKER_00
I m gonna write this down.
0
SPEAKER_03
Are you guys still, are you still doing smart list?
0
SPEAKER_03
Did that get canceled?
0
SPEAKER_03
I like to start off on like a fake burn.
0
SPEAKER_03
It doesn t make sense.
0
SPEAKER_03
No, I m just hearing some grumblings on the streets.
0
SPEAKER_03
I don t know.
0
SPEAKER_03
I don t know if any of that was true.
0
SPEAKER_03
Did you guys, no, I m just checking.
0
SPEAKER_03
I was like, there s no way back.
0
SPEAKER_03
I was, where s the truck that dropped the money off?
0
SPEAKER_03
Is that still there or did they leave?
0
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, apparently now they said we had to reload it from our side.
0
SPEAKER_03
Shut the fuck up, Tony.
0
SPEAKER_03
And now I m getting mad.
0
SPEAKER_03
Um, does it make the beep sound when it pulls it and puts the money in your driveway?
0
SPEAKER_01
You wanna know something funny and I should save this for the pod?
0
SPEAKER_03
It s already on, this is it.
0
SPEAKER_03
Is this it?
0
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, this is the high energy pod.
0
SPEAKER_01
Is, I live in the, I live right next to one of the world s richest men.
0
SPEAKER_01
Like, he lives like, sort of, kind of two properties down, but also kind of like there s this back road anyway.
0
SPEAKER_01
And he s got fucking trucks.
0
SPEAKER_01
Big cars going in and out of there all motherfucking day.
0
SPEAKER_01
And when I say trucks and cars, I don t mean, I don t mean like five or six.
0
SPEAKER_01
I mean, a hundred, 200 a day.
0
SPEAKER_00
What s happening up there?
0
SPEAKER_01
Well, I think he s getting married, is one of the things that I heard, a scuttlebutt I heard from a worker dude on the street.
0
SPEAKER_00
To a car.
0
SPEAKER_00
And all his car friends are going... He s getting married.
0
It s so fucking weird.
0
SPEAKER_01
No, they re all work trucks.
0
SPEAKER_01
And the beeping, and it s like, you know most neighborhoods, it s like...
0
SPEAKER_01
Like, L.A.
0
SPEAKER_01
County, you can work six days a week.
0
SPEAKER_01
They can work Saturdays.
0
SPEAKER_01
Beverly Hills, it s Monday to Friday, no weekends, and it s like 8 a.m.
0
SPEAKER_01
to 5 p.m.
0
SPEAKER_01
or 6 p.m., whatever.
0
SPEAKER_01
This dude s got trucks 24-7.
0
SPEAKER_01
Fuckin  Sundays, Martin Luther King Day, these motherfuckers go beep, beep, beep, beep.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s blasphemous.
0
SPEAKER_00
Bop, bop, bop, bop.
0
SPEAKER_03
Dude, I ve seen like F-150s with beeps on them.
0
SPEAKER_03
I m like, you re not adding that to a regular fucking truck on top of all.
0
SPEAKER_03
I was in a parking lot and this guy s like, beep, beep.
0
SPEAKER_03
I look, it s like some crummy truck.
0
SPEAKER_03
I go, no chance, dude.
0
SPEAKER_03
You don t get that.
0
SPEAKER_03
And I, this sounds rich, but I live in a mansion, that s all.
0
SPEAKER_03
No, I live, that was the whole story.
0
SPEAKER_03
55 windows, six pantries.
0
SPEAKER_03
So, well, I have some dirt road or some little road by me.
0
SPEAKER_03
I didn t know when I moved in that they were going to be working on this guy s house for the rest of my life.
0
SPEAKER_03
And I don t know where they re even driving.
0
SPEAKER_03
So there s driving up a road and then there s a cement truck and there s a truck with a bunch of logs from that movie where things fall on people and they all die.
0
SPEAKER_03
What s that movie called?
0
SPEAKER_03
You know the one I m talking about, Final Destination.
0
SPEAKER_03
So every day I drive up my street, it s Final Destination, I m following a log truck and I m following a bunch of boulders on one.
0
SPEAKER_03
I go, why is it always noisy and it s always trucks that need to make an 80 point turn and they go up there and I don t even know what they re building.
0
SPEAKER_03
And it s never ending.
0
SPEAKER_03
I hate their guts.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s so fucking crazy, and this guy, here s the other part.
0
SPEAKER_01
Here s what s maddening.
0
SPEAKER_01
So yesterday, and it s the weekend and shit, holiday weekend, beep, trucks, and there s a back road behind my house into this guy s house, middle of Beverly Hills, by the way.
0
SPEAKER_01
So these are, talk about 1% problems.
0
SPEAKER_01
And then I see photos of this fucking guy.
0
SPEAKER_01
He s at the fucking fashion shows in Milan with his soon-to-be wife all over the place fucking flexing his muscles while I m dealing with his fucking work trucks.
0
SPEAKER_01
He s flying over in his Global or whatever he s got, a private 747 or some shit.
0
SPEAKER_01
He s one of the richest men in the world.
0
SPEAKER_01
Beep, beep, beep.
0
SPEAKER_01
He doesn t give a fuck what I m going through.
0
SPEAKER_03
You know what?
0
SPEAKER_03
That s a great trick.
0
SPEAKER_03
Great trick is when he s got a girlfriend or wife and he s like, let s go to Milan so I can stare at the chicks.
0
SPEAKER_03
It s like a fake way to like, we re at a fashion show.
0
SPEAKER_01
Check out that beaver.
0
SPEAKER_01
He s like, I mean in a fashion sense.
0
SPEAKER_01
I love, I love, let s check out that beaver in a fashion sense.
0
SPEAKER_03
I think beavers are actually coming back, babe.
0
SPEAKER_03
I think beavers are.
0
SPEAKER_03
Let s get out of here.
0
SPEAKER_01
Beavers did split.
0
SPEAKER_01
No, I m serious.
0
SPEAKER_01
Nothing, it s a, nothing,
1
SPEAKER_00
is a better sign of prosperity than being knee deep in beef.
1
SPEAKER_01
Save a tree and a beaver, honey.
1
SPEAKER_01
I put it on my trucks.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s funny.
1
SPEAKER_01
No, but you got the beeps.
1
SPEAKER_01
I got a case of the beeps.
1
SPEAKER_01
Dana moved out to
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t know where, it s about two or three hours away.
1
SPEAKER_01
Was it Ojai, Heather?
1
SPEAKER_01
He moved somewhere like that way and he s got like a nice little chunk out there so he just likes the tranquility and he used to live on, you know, sort of right in the heart of town.
1
SPEAKER_01
Just got to him after a while.
1
SPEAKER_01
They were digging up the street with construction forever and he goes, I just got to tap out for a while.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s just too much cones and jeeps and trucks.
1
SPEAKER_01
Everyone feels so bad for us.
1
SPEAKER_01
Everyone s like, are you guys okay?
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay, I have questions for you about your career though.
1
SPEAKER_00
But it s very relatable.
1
SPEAKER_00
Every time I complained about something like this.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s very relatable.
1
SPEAKER_00
About like my house or something totally fucking unrelatable, my buddy Josh is always like, please tweet that.
1
SPEAKER_00
He s like, you know.
1
SPEAKER_00
Please hang yourself.
1
SPEAKER_01
Just tweet and everyone will hate you.
1
SPEAKER_00
The fucking, the guy, the billionaire who s driving his truck s up my back gate.
1
SPEAKER_00
Your back gate?
1
SPEAKER_00
Fuckin  hell.
1
SPEAKER_00
Gabe, where s the back gate?
1
SPEAKER_00
It s not, it sounds fancier than it is.
1
SPEAKER_00
If you saw it, you d be like, nice try.
1
SPEAKER_00
But, uh...
1
SPEAKER_00
It is legitimately.
1
SPEAKER_01
My garage, my driveway is so skinny that two of my friends have can t open their car on the side.
1
SPEAKER_01
They pulled in and they pulled in, when they got in, they go, what the fuck, dude?
1
SPEAKER_01
I just heard something.
1
SPEAKER_01
I look and there s a full rip down both their sides of their car.
1
SPEAKER_00
No.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m like, oh, what did you do?
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
And it s 100% no, it s coming because it s so skinny and it sucks.
1
SPEAKER_01
And they bring like their whatever.
1
SPEAKER_01
You don t even have to have a big one.
1
SPEAKER_01
I have a crummy driveway and a dog shit house.
1
SPEAKER_01
But other than that, things are going pretty good.
1
SPEAKER_00
I think the house is great.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m guessing the house is great.
1
SPEAKER_01
It looks like a office.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s like glass.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s like classic look that I kind of hate now.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s got glass and cement, and everyone s like, oh, is this an office building?
1
SPEAKER_01
I m like, no, it s my cozy house.
1
SPEAKER_01
They re like, this isn t a house.
1
SPEAKER_01
Is it a restoration hardware or something?
1
SPEAKER_01
Is it an air one?
1
SPEAKER_01
Anyway.
1
SPEAKER_00
If it was an air one taco, I d be filled with beef.
1
SPEAKER_01
Hey, do you, uh, you pulled back.
1
SPEAKER_01
Don t you dare pull back.
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, always.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, no.
1
SPEAKER_00
Cause I m reading off something that somebody else wrote.
1
SPEAKER_00
I would never suggest that.
1
SPEAKER_00
How long have you been in your house?
1
SPEAKER_01
I was in one before this for 20 and uh,
1
SPEAKER_01
Now people listening are like, so you re at least 20?
1
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_01
I look so young.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m not very young.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then I lived here for two, so I m at least 22.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I used to live in Truesdale, which is nice and rich, and now I live in Sunset Plaza, which is, you know, it s fine.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s a shoulder shrugger.
1
SPEAKER_01
I will say that one thing people don t know is maybe this isn t for you, but I ve never met my neighbors really in my other house for 20 years.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I don t know him here.
1
SPEAKER_01
No one likes me.
1
SPEAKER_01
No one talks to me.
1
SPEAKER_01
No one.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I m on a Hill.
1
SPEAKER_01
So even a walk to my house, it s like Barry s bootcamp to go 40 yards.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s no one will do it.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s so no one s like, Hey, come over for a barbecue.
1
SPEAKER_01
Hey, there s no camaraderie there.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s very weird.
1
SPEAKER_00
No, it s very, very weird.
1
SPEAKER_00
I agree with you.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I moved into this house coming up on almost three years ago.
1
SPEAKER_00
And the only people I ve met are like the housekeeper for the people who live across the street who are now moving out.
1
SPEAKER_00
She s my friend.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I see her.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then she always waves to me.
1
SPEAKER_00
She s nice.
1
SPEAKER_00
She s worked for them for like 40 years.
1
SPEAKER_00
And she s super nice.
1
SPEAKER_00
The people I never see, I m like, where are the people?
1
SPEAKER_00
on one side next door neighbors, I ve never seen them.
1
SPEAKER_00
I see gardeners and stuff.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then the other side s super weird, some older dude and he s like way younger.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then here s another one.
1
SPEAKER_00
I was out for dinner, I had all the kids and my partner Alessandra and we were out having some dinner and I get a notice that there s somebody s ringing the doorbell, like one of those apps on my phone.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m like, what the hell is this?
1
SPEAKER_00
And I look at it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Look at this rich guy with his apps.
1
SPEAKER_00
I know, look at me with my apps.
1
SPEAKER_00
By the way, not even a yearly subscription, month to month.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so cancel, no, I don t need to cancel it, I ll fucking pay it, I don t give a shit, it s a buck 99 a month.
1
SPEAKER_00
But he calls me.
1
SPEAKER_01
You re a fucking baller.
1
SPEAKER_00
Dude, I m killing it with the abs.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I look and I see this dude staring down the camera of my doorbell with his woman behind him,
1
SPEAKER_00
10 times, I m not exaggerating, 10 times hit the thing, beep, beep, beep, and I can speak through the app and I finally go, hey... It s kind of like one of those ring things, it s not actually a ring, it s another one.
1
SPEAKER_00
But anyway, I m like, hey, what s... Hello?
1
SPEAKER_00
Hey, you ve got a fire going in your place.
1
SPEAKER_00
You ve got an illegal fireplace.
1
SPEAKER_00
I go, no, I don t.
1
SPEAKER_00
You ve got fun and I know you and you can t do that.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s not right, blah, blah, blah.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I go, I don t know what you re talking about.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m your neighbor, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
1
SPEAKER_00
So then you re like, what?
1
SPEAKER_00
Keeps ringing.
1
SPEAKER_00
So finally I go, stop ringing the doorbell.
1
SPEAKER_00
I don t have a fireplace.
1
SPEAKER_00
You ve got the wrong house, blah, blah, blah.
1
SPEAKER_00
So then I m at dinner, I m like, fuck, is there a fire at the house?
1
SPEAKER_00
So I drive, I m like, and I leave, we ve just ordered dinner.
1
SPEAKER_00
No way, you left.
1
SPEAKER_00
I leave all four kids and my girl, and I get in the car, because I m like, now I m nervous that there s a fire.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I drive, it s like 22 minutes away, I drive home, I get here, of course there s no fire, I don t have a fireplace.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m like, what the fuck is going on?
1
SPEAKER_00
So then I drive back, so I m like, I m going to find this fucking guy.
1
SPEAKER_00
I drive around the neighborhood because he sort of said, and then, and then, uh, I call him and I go, Hey, you came by my house and blah, blah, blah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Cause he d left his number on a card and on the card he said, you re not allowed to have a fireplace that you put in.
1
SPEAKER_00
Geez.
1
SPEAKER_01
He has to reiterate it.
1
SPEAKER_01
We know who you are, guy.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I fucking call him and he goes, Hey, listen, I go, I didn t have a friend.
1
SPEAKER_00
He goes, I know it s the wrong house.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s the other people.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I go, you ruined my night.
1
SPEAKER_00
You fucking rang my doorbell 10 times.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m like the biggest crime.
1
SPEAKER_00
I didn t eat my dinner.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I m like, you asshole.
1
SPEAKER_00
My sushi that was cold, got cold.
1
SPEAKER_00
But then he goes, look, he s like an older, he goes, well, well, look, we re in the same business.
1
SPEAKER_00
We got a lot of mutual friends.
1
SPEAKER_00
I go, really?
1
SPEAKER_00
And he goes, you know, I m old, he goes, I m old friends with Jay Leno.
1
SPEAKER_00
I go, what?
1
SPEAKER_00
He literally said that to me.
1
SPEAKER_01
Dude, I get the mutual friend thing too all the time.
1
SPEAKER_01
We got a lot of mutual friends.
1
SPEAKER_01
I went to one of the Sandler s premieres.
1
SPEAKER_01
I go, do you know him?
1
SPEAKER_01
No, but I got a, that was a plus one.
1
SPEAKER_01
I go, oh, well, we re all in the same boat, I guess.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m not really asking real questions.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m not like that.
1
SPEAKER_01
This isn t like a real show, but I saw, I mean, I saw obviously Blades of Glory.
1
SPEAKER_01
Was stupid Swartzen in that movie?
1
SPEAKER_01
Nick Swartzen?
1
SPEAKER_01
That little pudgy rodent?
1
SPEAKER_00
Does he officially go by stupid?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, he s a moron.
1
SPEAKER_01
He was.
1
SPEAKER_00
He wasn t that.
1
SPEAKER_01
He s like that dog on TikTok that looks around and goes, when you go to the airport and you don t know what gate you re at,
1
SPEAKER_01
And the dog just stares into the lens and looks around.
1
SPEAKER_01
I get that video every other one and it makes me laugh.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I go, Schwarzenegger, is this you?
1
SPEAKER_01
But yeah, he s super dumb and he doesn t know really anything.
1
SPEAKER_01
But he was in that movie.
1
SPEAKER_01
He was.
1
SPEAKER_01
Blades of Glory was a fun one, man.
1
SPEAKER_00
That was a fun movie.
1
SPEAKER_00
I was just talking about the other day, I went to a King s game with Will Ferrell and our kids and wife and stuff.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, right.
1
SPEAKER_00
And they were saying,
1
SPEAKER_00
I was talking about, I ended up doing a bunch of the skating.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m not the best skater in the world, but I did play hockey growing up.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I skated, and then I did the most skating of everybody in that cast.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, really?
1
SPEAKER_00
Of my own, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
I didn t do any tricks or anything, unless I got crazy, but actual skating.
1
SPEAKER_01
But just skating is hard.
1
SPEAKER_01
Skating, can you skate backwards?
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I skated with, you know, my ex, Amy, she and I played brother and sister in that.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Ended up doing a lot of skating with her double Was one of the first movies they did face replacement
1
SPEAKER_00
where they did like CG.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I didn t know that in that movie.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s way back too.
1
SPEAKER_00
2006, we made that.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s like 88.
1
SPEAKER_00
We shot it.
1
SPEAKER_00
What year did you start on?
1
SPEAKER_01
I think this quiet burns in.
1
SPEAKER_01
I know.
1
SPEAKER_01
SNL, 67.
1
SPEAKER_01
So you were pre-SNL.
1
SPEAKER_00
Before they called it SNL, you were in the pre-year.
2
SPEAKER_01
I was on SNL when I heard Jack Ruby shot that one guy.
2
SPEAKER_00
When they do that, do you remember where you were?
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I was doing a sketch.
2
SPEAKER_00
You were doing a sketch.
2
SPEAKER_00
You were doing Tuesday night writing when you heard Jack Ruby.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
Jack Ruby and they go, Jack Ruby shot somebody.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I go, Lennon?
2
SPEAKER_01
And they go, fuck, let me check.
2
SPEAKER_01
I ll call you right back.
2
SPEAKER_00
Didn t Downey wrote a cold open about Jack Ruby right that week?
2
SPEAKER_01
He did?
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh yeah, he had a cold open.
2
SPEAKER_01
We had to keep changing it because everything was changing so fast.
2
SPEAKER_01
We had Matt Damon come in and play him because all this cast wasn t good enough.
2
SPEAKER_01
I like when the cast goes, hey, we re going to play this.
2
SPEAKER_01
De Niro s going to play your part.
2
SPEAKER_01
Matt Damon s playing your part.
2
SPEAKER_01
And you 22 cast members can sit in the balcony if you want to watch the show.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s always a bummer.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, nothing really major happened when I was on SNL like that, nothing good.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh, you were in Toronto, by the way, 416 in the house.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, 416 is definitely in the house.
2
SPEAKER_01
Is it still 416?
2
SPEAKER_01
Are they still making that?
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I mean, the cool kids, yeah, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
But there are a bunch of new sort of valley codes now.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, gross.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know what I mean?
2
SPEAKER_01
Is 416 the good one, like 310?
2
SPEAKER_00
416 s the old, it s the, as we say, I always say the OG.
2
SPEAKER_00
Do you know, I don t know if you know what that is.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
416 is definitely the OG.
2
SPEAKER_00
Then the new one is 647.
2
SPEAKER_00
Block.
2
SPEAKER_00
That s like going 818, yeah, that s block.
2
SPEAKER_01
I got 818 block on my phone.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t talk to people in the Valley.
2
SPEAKER_01
You whip around a hill, you say something to me.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t even know what I m talking about.
2
SPEAKER_01
Your dad ran Molson Breweries.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m not reading this off Wikipedia.
2
SPEAKER_01
Your dad ran Mol... I don t know if you know this.
2
SPEAKER_01
He was... And Molson, we chugged that shit in Arizona.
2
SPEAKER_01
We had Molson keggers.
2
SPEAKER_01
It had a big, wide... Did it have a different bottle?
2
SPEAKER_01
I know there was Mickey s Big Mouth.
2
SPEAKER_01
You ever heard of that?
2
SPEAKER_00
No.
2
SPEAKER_00
What is that?
2
SPEAKER_00
That s a beer?
2
SPEAKER_01
That was a weird beer that had a big, their hook was, where you drank out of it, it was bigger.
2
SPEAKER_01
It was like a bigger circle.
2
SPEAKER_01
And that was their only hook.
2
SPEAKER_01
But Molson Gold.
2
SPEAKER_00
You get more wasted, dude.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, you get so fucking wasted, and then you do it with a straw.
2
SPEAKER_01
But Molson, and then we went to Kegger s.
2
SPEAKER_01
I put you through college.
2
SPEAKER_01
We drank so much Molson.
2
SPEAKER_00
Did you really?
2
SPEAKER_01
In Arizona.
2
SPEAKER_00
Were you a big beer drinker?
2
SPEAKER_01
You know, I was, I was such a fucking puss.
2
SPEAKER_01
I mean, you ll never believe this, but I was such a little dandelion.
2
SPEAKER_01
I wasn t this athlete, you know, hard-ass stuntman you see before you.
2
SPEAKER_01
I was just always like falling down from weakness.
2
SPEAKER_01
But I did take, you know what I could do in school, which was shocking, aside from not get any action, was I would, we took weightlifting as an elective, and I would,
2
SPEAKER_01
I could bench, you know, you bench, you deadlift, you do all these things, you get graded on, but I could jump rope.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh.
2
SPEAKER_01
I fucking, you know, I m so, I can t now.
2
SPEAKER_01
I could whip it out.
2
SPEAKER_01
I would do, you do one minute forward, one minute backward, one minute of crisscross, one minute of doubles.
2
SPEAKER_00
Ooh.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I don t know what the last one was, but it would burn you out so bad, and I was so good at it.
2
SPEAKER_01
and it didn t get me any action.
2
SPEAKER_01
I thought it would, it wasn t really the panty dropper I thought it would be, but it was something.
2
SPEAKER_01
I need something on the old pic and res.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s too bad you don t do it now.
2
SPEAKER_01
No, now it would be a cool thing to do, because I would do it on Instagram all day and film it, you know, and show everyone like, fucking, you gotta rise and grind.
2
SPEAKER_01
But I barely rise and I do not grind.
2
SPEAKER_00
Nothing s worth anything if you can t record it and post it.
2
SPEAKER_00
Otherwise, what s... Of course, why would anyone do anything?
2
SPEAKER_01
There s no value.
2
SPEAKER_01
I can t believe I used to do anything because I couldn t post it.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, same here.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh man, the people that do stuff and just film every goddamn day.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I m like, all right.
2
SPEAKER_01
The funniest thing is these girls, obviously they re cute, but they re neither...
2
SPEAKER_01
Instagram whatever and they literally like lean toward the camera fake cover their boobs like don t look or whatever and then they Turn it on go back to standing and there s a song on they just kind of look around with dead eyes and
2
SPEAKER_01
and this kind of move, not that great, and then they kind of fake laugh, and then they go back and turn it off, and I m like, 22 million views?
2
SPEAKER_01
What the fuck is going?
2
SPEAKER_01
I think the problem is, by the time I figure out it s dumb, I can t reach to stop it.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s already clicked in.
2
SPEAKER_00
She s like, it counted.
2
SPEAKER_00
It counted.
2
SPEAKER_00
It got me.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
Do you think it s ruined?
2
SPEAKER_00
This week, this week, on a very special Fly on the Wall,
2
SPEAKER_00
Do you think the internet has ruined us?
2
SPEAKER_00
No.
2
SPEAKER_00
Do you think social media has fucking destroyed us as a society, just turned us into bigger morons than we already were?
2
SPEAKER_00
I do.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_01
No one thought it was possible, but yes.
2
SPEAKER_00
I think it s exposed our inner moron.
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, there used to be a little mystery.
2
SPEAKER_01
I do feel a little bit for the women out there that when you were cute, my high school had the two for sure babes, and then their only pressure was they heard some girl at Arcadia was pretty, but they don t even know outside of their town, so they re doing okay.
2
SPEAKER_01
But when you re in competition on Instagram with the rest of the world, and you re like, oh my God, everyone s, and every girl is pretty.
2
SPEAKER_01
Or don t even, don t film.
2
SPEAKER_01
I mean, Instagram is ridiculous.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then between filters and all that, you don t know if you re competing in a real competition or if they re, that s their version of steroids.
2
SPEAKER_01
They re like, wait, you had a filter, you re disqualified, but you don t know.
2
SPEAKER_01
So every single person s pretty, it s too stressful.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m sure for women, just like, how can I even look like every, whatever?
2
SPEAKER_01
And that s part of it.
2
SPEAKER_01
The dumb things everyone films are part of it.
2
SPEAKER_01
And America s got literally no talent.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s really the big underlying theme here when they show what they do and stuff.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m like nothing There s nothing there s no there s no wit to any of it, right?
2
SPEAKER_00
I mean, this is like this is my biggest complaint is that there s zero it s
2
SPEAKER_00
There s no wit, and there s no real premium paid for wit anymore, you know?
2
SPEAKER_00
I mean, that s the bummer.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I watch my kids, my teenage boys, they re pretty good, but for a while they were watching stuff, they re getting a little more discerning, but they d watch stuff, and I d go, like my 13-year-old Abel is, and both my kids are, my older boys are funny dudes, but Abel s like, seriously funny kid.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I m like, you re way funnier than the shit you re giving your time to.
2
SPEAKER_00
You re just watching a bunch of crap.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I m like, what are you doing, dude?
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
You know what s funny?
2
SPEAKER_01
I block when they do those pranks and they re unfunny.
2
SPEAKER_01
They go in a store and throw a ball at a guy s head and they look around like, hey, who did it?
2
SPEAKER_01
I m like, first of all, I really want you to get the shit kicked out of you.
2
SPEAKER_01
Second of all, these aren t funny.
2
SPEAKER_01
They re to make you look great and everyone looks stupid.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then they put all the crying emojis to let you know, oh, this is funny.
2
SPEAKER_01
There s five crying emojis.
2
SPEAKER_01
You didn t laugh, but I m showing you that this is a comedy piece.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then I block anyone that s not funny.
2
SPEAKER_01
I block them.
2
SPEAKER_01
I give them one shot and then I get mad.
2
SPEAKER_01
I go, no, please don t come up again.
2
SPEAKER_01
I can t.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s, I love that you said that about the crying, laughing emoji.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s the equivalent to the applause sign, right?
2
SPEAKER_01
It s like, oh, oh, now I, like.
2
SPEAKER_01
It really is, it s like, this denotes funny.
2
SPEAKER_00
Fuck, man, I watched an award show the other night, I m not gonna say which one, and.
2
SPEAKER_00
There was seven yesterday.
2
SPEAKER_00
Exactly, so this was recorded, this is timeless, and I was watching,
2
SPEAKER_00
pieces of entertainment, I won t say if it s a movie or a TV show, that are nominated as comedies.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oppenheimer.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oppenheimer is the funniest movie of the year.
2
SPEAKER_01
No, I agree with you.
2
SPEAKER_01
Are you about to say that comedies you don t ... You re like, that s not a comedy, is it?
2
SPEAKER_00
That s not a comedy.
2
SPEAKER_00
No.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I saw a show, and it won all this stuff, and I m like, well made, great, really good.
2
SPEAKER_00
Not a comedy.
2
SPEAKER_01
I have to say, I saw one like that and I go, and it said, for supporting actor in a comedy, they showed the show or whatever it was, and I go, that s a comedy?
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m not sure it is.
2
SPEAKER_01
It would be like if they said Succession was a comedy and you d be like, it feels like it s a way to get in a category to helpfully win or something weird s going on like that because
2
SPEAKER_00
I don t know what s going on.
2
SPEAKER_00
It freaked me out, but then I m like the worst person that we were at our mutual friend s house watching, and then I m like every.
2
SPEAKER_00
The restaurant?
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, the restaurant, and I had the fucking, I had the, you know, the laser.
2
SPEAKER_00
Laser beams.
2
SPEAKER_00
I had the laser pointer going, and I was just, it was brutal, and I was, I did not.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s a tough room, but it s fucking hilarious.
2
SPEAKER_01
But that s every room in America.
3
SPEAKER_01
We were done, of course, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Everyone does that.
3
SPEAKER_00
What?
3
SPEAKER_00
It s so awesome.
3
SPEAKER_00
I have to say, I have nothing to say.
3
SPEAKER_00
Did you see Chelsea Handler on an award show, which could have been yesterday or six months ago?
3
SPEAKER_00
And she looked great.
3
SPEAKER_00
She had a joke, but she kind of had a burn on her ex-boyfriend.
3
SPEAKER_00
I wonder if he texted her and said, not cool.
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_01
I saw that.
3
SPEAKER_01
I saw bits and pieces of it.
3
SPEAKER_01
I think, yeah, she s always, she s funny.
3
SPEAKER_01
She makes me laugh.
3
SPEAKER_01
She s super smart and funny.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then, and I saw that too.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I was wondering if like, Ooh, uh, I wonder.
3
SPEAKER_00
I mean, that s a joke that the next person to host it might ve capitalized off Joe Coy and said, I m going to say a joke, but at his expense, you know, saying like, Oh, I m going to thank my writers that wrote that joke.
3
SPEAKER_00
Cause I do like my writers.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then it kind of gets like,
3
SPEAKER_00
and applause or something, but I think I would have felt a little bad if I was JK, because those shows are so, Dana and I talked about, they re so tough, and I ve hosted some stuff, and it doesn t always work, and even, have you ever gone out for an award show and do your clanker joke, and you work on it, and I m like, why am I working on this?
3
SPEAKER_00
It s going to get absolutely nothing, no matter what, unless you re Will Ferrell, you come out singing or something with Kristen Wiig, and it s like, okay, people are gonna laugh, that s funny.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s there s so little upset I was I Texted with will after the globe because he and Kristen came out did that bit With the music and I was like that was the highlight of the night by far nothing else was close but then you see like
3
SPEAKER_01
First of all, again, there s no upside.
3
SPEAKER_01
There s no, why do it?
3
SPEAKER_01
I ve been asked to host a bunch of those things, and I ve always said no.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I m like, nope, including, I won t name them, but a bunch of the ones that were just very recent.
3
SPEAKER_01
I was like, no way.
3
SPEAKER_01
Right, the Stuntman Awards, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
The Stuntman Production Design Awards.
3
SPEAKER_01
And catering, catering, catering awards.
3
SPEAKER_01
Um, no, I, but because there s no upside, I m not saying I m a big, I m not showing off that they asked me.
3
SPEAKER_01
I mean, they ve asked a million people.
3
SPEAKER_01
Like I m one of 800,000 people that they asked.
3
SPEAKER_01
Uh, I just mean that my thought process is very tempting.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s hard to win.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s very tempting, but it s hard to get a win out of it.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so few people are really great.
3
SPEAKER_01
Kimmel s great at it.
3
SPEAKER_01
I love, I think he s so good at it.
3
SPEAKER_00
He s pretty smooth and he s very nonplussed and he kind of giggles and nonchalant, but they re used to him.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I think that was Joe Coy.
3
SPEAKER_00
They didn t know him back and forth like they know Kimmel.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so they re sort of like, you got to earn it with us, guy.
3
SPEAKER_00
And by the way, he didn t totally bomb.
3
SPEAKER_00
There s a couple things didn t work like everything, but I think the Taylor Swift thing along with some others just sort of put him in a hole he couldn t get out of.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, it s tough to come out swinging like that if they don t know you.
3
SPEAKER_01
I thought the same thing, which is they re like, you don t have, it s not like you don t have any goodwill.
3
SPEAKER_01
You just have no will.
3
SPEAKER_01
They have no idea who you are.
3
SPEAKER_01
So that s tough.
3
SPEAKER_01
I felt for him, I really did.
3
SPEAKER_01
A lot of people were like shitting on him.
3
SPEAKER_01
I just thought, man, that fucking poor guy, that sucks.
3
SPEAKER_01
Like no matter what, that just must feel lonely as shit.
3
I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I was just saying to,
3
SPEAKER_00
Well, I don t know anybody, but I was talking to myself the other day and I was saying, I saw on Instagram, you ll laugh at this and you better, so I m cuing you with emojis that it s funny, but I saw a picture of me at a premiere of Terminator and I realized I was such a fucking premiere whore.
3
SPEAKER_00
that when I was on Just Shoot Me or After SNL, I know me and Farley went to at least 100.
3
SPEAKER_00
We were at Casino with Scorsese.
3
SPEAKER_00
It was so exciting.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like, hey, they treat you like a king.
3
SPEAKER_00
Hey, you want to come to our premiere?
3
SPEAKER_00
Hey, it s a huge movie.
3
SPEAKER_00
You get to see it a week ahead.
3
SPEAKER_00
You get to front row and free everything.
3
SPEAKER_00
There s a press line.
3
SPEAKER_00
You re going to see all these people.
3
SPEAKER_00
I wet the beak a little too much on that one.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I was looking back and they keep showing me, now I m in this algo, it s like, Eddie was at another premiere.
3
SPEAKER_00
They don t say that.
3
SPEAKER_00
They just say, oh, here s the premiere of Speed.
3
SPEAKER_00
Here s Keanu Reeves.
3
SPEAKER_00
There s David Spade.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m like, fuck, was I at that too?
3
SPEAKER_00
And then it s like, here s True Lies, David Spade, Chris Farley.
3
SPEAKER_00
I go, you re kidding me.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I look like the biggest dope in every one.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m like- But you know what it was different back then though.
3
SPEAKER_00
But it was different back then, too.
3
SPEAKER_01
There wasn t as much, here s the other thing about the Ward Show.
3
SPEAKER_01
I have two things I wanna say about that.
3
SPEAKER_01
One is, this goes back to my earlier point about social media.
3
SPEAKER_01
Now you turn on the thing, you re like, why don t I get a, they re like, so and so s on the curb.
3
SPEAKER_01
I m like, so what?
3
SPEAKER_01
I just saw them on fucking Instagram yesterday.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s not special.
3
SPEAKER_01
It used to be you never saw these people.
3
SPEAKER_01
Now you just see them all the time.
3
SPEAKER_01
You re like, who gives a fuck?
3
SPEAKER_01
The other thing is, I think you should put together a coffee table book of you at premieres.
3
SPEAKER_01
And it goes like... It s a premiere whore.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
And it d show me... Dude, it would be amazing.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s funny.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s fucking great.
3
SPEAKER_00
It is funny that every outfit and have everyone just check it out and go, you re joking with these pants and shit.
3
SPEAKER_00
But it was funny because everything got approved by me.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I thought it looked pretty, pretty stylin .
3
SPEAKER_00
Sure.
3
SPEAKER_00
And now I m sad about it.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, but it was, and I was like, oh, that was fun.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, that one was fun.
3
SPEAKER_00
It was fun, but I was a little drunk with like, hey, I get to go where, you know, it was fun and this and that.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I m at the MTV Awards.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m like, God, take your foot off the gas, guy.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I didn t even have hair, makeup, I didn t have anything.
3
SPEAKER_00
It was just like, hey, this coat doesn t fit me, I ll wear that.
3
SPEAKER_00
And these jeans are out of style, I ll wear those.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I ll wear these goddamn shoes, and then my hair will look stupid, and here s glasses that I ll regret later, and I ll put those sunglasses on.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then maybe give a few peace signs, and God, duck lips.
3
SPEAKER_00
I was early on the duck lips, I tell ya.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think it was out of nervousness.
3
SPEAKER_00
What about Prey Hands?
3
SPEAKER_00
I haven t done that.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, it s funny.
3
SPEAKER_00
You re right about Harrison Ford.
3
SPEAKER_00
The real movie stars you didn t see out on Instagram.
3
SPEAKER_00
Growing up, you go Paul Newman and it was old school with like, there s some big star like Frank Sinatra and he comes out of a club and there s a paparazzi going, flash, flash.
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SPEAKER_00
Oh wait, I m sorry.
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SPEAKER_00
That s not your wife.
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SPEAKER_00
I m sorry.
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SPEAKER_00
We ll burn the film.
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SPEAKER_00
But they weren t like out to get you.
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SPEAKER_00
And then you don t see these guys unless you see them on stage in person.
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SPEAKER_00
It s very valuable to see them.
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SPEAKER_00
You go to their show or you see their movie and that s it.
3
SPEAKER_00
You don t run into them in real life.
3
SPEAKER_00
And now Keanu Reeves is doing like noon chucks on TikTok.
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SPEAKER_00
You re like, no, you stay
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SPEAKER_00
in the movies.
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SPEAKER_00
Actually, that s a bad example.
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SPEAKER_00
He s one of the few that s super cool and just- Yeah, he s cool.
3
SPEAKER_01
He can carry it, but I know what you mean.
3
SPEAKER_01
Do you think
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SPEAKER_01
What was the deal, boy, hey, tell us you re old without telling us you re old.
3
SPEAKER_01
Martin Scorsese s done all these videos, right?
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SPEAKER_01
He s like on TikTok or Instagram with his daughter.
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SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_01
And it s like, and people have been, it s become like a thing and like, it s like him, I don t know what he s doing, but something, I m thinking like, you didn t see like Cecil B. DeMille on TikTok, you know what I mean?
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SPEAKER_01
Like this guy.
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SPEAKER_00
I didn t see John Wayne doing the hot pepper challenge.
3
No.
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SPEAKER_00
Here s Jane Fonda trying to swallow cinnamon.
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SPEAKER_00
Throwing up on camera.
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SPEAKER_00
It s so true, it s so weird.
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SPEAKER_01
Here s Clark Gable doing the ice bucket challenge.
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SPEAKER_00
Clark Gable put his nuts in a fucking mousetrap.
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SPEAKER_00
Got a million views.
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SPEAKER_00
You re like, oh, I ll go see his movie.
3
SPEAKER_01
No, you see him in his movies.
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SPEAKER_01
And then like every once in a while, they d have a photograph of just, you know, him getting out of a chauffeur driven Rolls Royce and you re like, ah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Right, it s so cool, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Marilyn, the old days, like, and now they want you to jump around and, you know, the Rock goes to In-N-Out every weekend.
3
SPEAKER_01
Marilyn Monroe right now would have, Marilyn Monroe would have 50, would have 500 million followers on OnlyFans.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know what I mean?
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SPEAKER_01
Like, that s the difference.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
She would flip to OnlyFans quickly.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, for sure.
3
SPEAKER_00
She d be like, should I be a trillionaire overnight or not?
3
SPEAKER_00
It s a tough call.
3
SPEAKER_00
Every time I look on Instagram, they re like, oh, look at this nice young lady.
3
SPEAKER_00
And there s like a chili pepper by her picture.
3
SPEAKER_00
I go, uh oh.
3
SPEAKER_00
Linktree, uh oh.
3
SPEAKER_00
Boop, boop.
3
SPEAKER_00
Millionaire, millionaire.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s fucking true, man.
3
SPEAKER_00
I was going to ask you if you skateboard.
3
SPEAKER_00
It says you skateboard, it doesn t say you skate.
3
SPEAKER_00
No.
3
SPEAKER_00
I skate.
3
SPEAKER_00
You don t skate.
3
SPEAKER_00
I mean... It said skate, and I m such a skateboarder that we call it skating.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s where we got it.
4
SPEAKER_00
I got messed up.
4
SPEAKER_01
Did you skateboard in Arizona?
4
SPEAKER_00
Fuck yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
I would skate desert pipes.
4
SPEAKER_00
I would skate pools and shit.
4
SPEAKER_00
I was cool for a while.
4
SPEAKER_00
I didn t even know I had some components of being cool and it didn t really pay off.
4
SPEAKER_00
My favorite thing was when I was on Smart List and Sean said he goes to the seafood restaurant.
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SPEAKER_00
I always think about that when I go to a club.
4
SPEAKER_00
I remember when that funny when he goes, I was at a seafood restaurant.
4
SPEAKER_00
And we kept going, I m like, you don t mean koi, is it sushi?
4
SPEAKER_00
And he s like, yeah, seafood.
4
SPEAKER_00
I go, who on God s green earth calls it seafood?
4
SPEAKER_00
Did you ever, I hope you ragged him about that.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh my God, are you kidding?
4
SPEAKER_01
We fucking non-fucking stop.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s the funniest fucking thing in the world.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s so fucking.
4
SPEAKER_00
It was when we did, I did Smart List, his show, and at the beginning, I m waiting to come on.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I know, yeah, Heather blew it.
4
SPEAKER_00
I think Heather said, hang on, David, you re up.
4
SPEAKER_00
But they still didn t know what David it was.
4
SPEAKER_00
But the idea of smart list, for those of you who don t know, two of you guys aren t ready.
4
SPEAKER_00
Whose guest was I?
4
SPEAKER_00
Do I remember?
4
SPEAKER_00
I think you were mine, right?
4
SPEAKER_00
Weren t you?
4
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_00
I think.
4
SPEAKER_00
So I come on and then two people aren t prepared, but they just wing it.
4
SPEAKER_00
But Sean, before I got on, was talking, say it again?
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, so he gets on and he starts, before I get on, and I m just listening, waiting to come on, and he s like, we were at the seafood restaurant, and he kept talking, I m like, I see David there, I see this guy there all the time.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I go, I ve only seen him at the sushi restaurant.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then I go, and then when I got on, we start busting as follows.
4
SPEAKER_00
He goes, yeah, that s what I meant.
4
SPEAKER_00
We all were like, blah.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s pretty funny.
4
SPEAKER_01
By the way, it s amazing.
4
SPEAKER_01
And your episode is one of those episodes that people, I m not just saying this because I m doing this, people love your episode.
4
SPEAKER_01
Your episode was fucking hilarious.
4
SPEAKER_01
You told so many good stories.
4
SPEAKER_01
That story about you waiting tables.
4
SPEAKER_01
And then your manager giving you shit, and you re like, hang on a second, man, I m fucking killing it over here, why are you... When I m a busboy in Arizona... Oh, you re a busboy, you re a busboy, you weren t even a waiter.
4
SPEAKER_00
Everyone hated me, and I got fired from every goddamn job.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then when I went over, the manager tells me not to talk to the people.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I said, I want to be a waiter.
4
SPEAKER_00
He goes, you don t got the stuff.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I m like...
4
SPEAKER_00
What stuff?
4
SPEAKER_00
I do the hard part.
4
SPEAKER_00
I lift everything.
4
SPEAKER_00
I do it.
4
SPEAKER_00
The waiter just goes, Hey, everybody.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then walks away and goes, take care of that table, bring them their food.
4
SPEAKER_00
So he kept ragging on me because I kept doing little bits to the tables.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then, well, the pun, the last part was, it was, he told me a hundred times and he was standing nearby and I went up by a table and they go, Hey, shark was on the menu.
4
SPEAKER_00
Remember that?
4
SPEAKER_00
It was a special day with shark.
4
SPEAKER_00
for some reason in Arizona, and I go, someone, I m over there, squeak, squeak, cleaning their fucking plates, and they go, hey, how s the shark?
4
SPEAKER_00
I go, oh, I got a motto, I don t eat them, they don t eat me, spate!
4
SPEAKER_00
I m like, goddammit.
4
SPEAKER_00
I go, what?
4
SPEAKER_00
And he goes, what are you doing over there?
4
SPEAKER_00
I go, fucking killing?
4
SPEAKER_00
And he goes, dude, I just told you don t talk to, I go, I m getting applause breaks at the big tables.
4
SPEAKER_00
And he s like, dude, you re done today.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I m like, are you joking?
4
SPEAKER_00
These people will fucking riot if I m not here.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m the closer, dude.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m like headlining.
4
SPEAKER_00
It was so embarrassing.
4
SPEAKER_00
And he fired me and I m like, okay, you tell him.
4
SPEAKER_00
And he s like, no one notices, no one cares.
4
SPEAKER_00
But I thought I was like the hit of the whole place.
4
SPEAKER_00
He fucking fired you.
4
SPEAKER_00
Never ever was a waiter.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, never was a waiter, never got it.
4
SPEAKER_00
I bust so many times and got fired.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then I finally,
4
SPEAKER_00
And then I was a dishwasher, I go, I think I m going backwards.
4
SPEAKER_00
And it was sad.
4
SPEAKER_00
Anyway, I m gonna sum you up, ready?
4
SPEAKER_00
Because you ve been very nice.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I know we joke a lot.
4
SPEAKER_00
We did snake oil.
4
SPEAKER_01
We did Snake Oil.
4
SPEAKER_00
Snake Oil we worked on.
4
SPEAKER_00
On Fox.
4
SPEAKER_00
That was a lot of fun.
4
SPEAKER_00
That was on Fox.
4
SPEAKER_00
Those products are actually so funny.
4
SPEAKER_00
The only funny thing I ll say about that show is it s a show where you guess the products and guess which one s real and which one s fake.
4
SPEAKER_00
And even after I shot it, first of all, I was wrong every time when I shot it.
4
SPEAKER_00
Even when I watched it, I still don t remember and I still don t know.
4
SPEAKER_00
That s how dumb I am.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m like, that was the fun of it.
4
SPEAKER_00
Like, there s no way it s that.
4
SPEAKER_01
And then it s always that.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, I wouldn t remember it if I had to go back, because I came on and did that episode.
4
SPEAKER_01
If I had to come on and they gave me the same products again,
4
SPEAKER_01
I wouldn t remember.
4
SPEAKER_01
Exactly.
4
SPEAKER_01
But I will say this, the guy who I was partnered with, he didn t take my advice.
4
SPEAKER_01
I would have won.
4
SPEAKER_01
I would have won mine.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, really?
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I would have won.
4
SPEAKER_00
Sometimes it goes the other way, but yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, because she didn t take my advice at the last, I said, I think it s this.
4
SPEAKER_01
And he s like, nah.
4
SPEAKER_01
I go, okay, up to you, buddy.
4
SPEAKER_01
Hey, it is up to them.
4
SPEAKER_00
But you know, I remember when Bethany Frank was on, they had one of the craziest ones was just a square piece of wood and they go, this is a fake camera to take fake selfies so you can really live your life out.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I m like,
4
SPEAKER_00
This is so ridiculous.
4
SPEAKER_00
And of course it was real.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then I go, the ideas you take, you just hold up.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s the same as a picture.
4
SPEAKER_00
Why wouldn t you just do it with your camera?
4
SPEAKER_00
This is ruining your night also.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m not going to fix this overnight.
4
SPEAKER_00
All right.
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, you re a sweetheart and I do miss you and I ll see you over at our friend s restaurant soon, hopefully.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m going to tell Dana you came by.
4
SPEAKER_00
This has been a presentation of Odyssey.
4
SPEAKER_00
Please follow, subscribe, leave a like, a review, all this stuff.
4
SPEAKER_00
Smash that button, whatever it is, wherever you get your podcasts.
4
SPEAKER_00
Fly on the Wall is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss, Berman of Odyssey, Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment, and Heather Santoro.
4
SPEAKER_00
The show s lead producer is Greg Holtzman.