0
SPEAKER_00
My name is Lee Hawkins.
0
SPEAKER_00
I ve been a journalist for over 25 years.
0
SPEAKER_00
On my new podcast, What Happened in Alabama, I get answers to some of the hardest questions about how things came to be for many black Americans and the truth that must come before any reconciliation can happen.
0
SPEAKER_00
I investigate my family history, my upbringing in Minnesota, and my father s painful nightmares about growing up in Alabama.
0
SPEAKER_00
What Happened in Alabama is a new series confronting the cycles of trauma for myself, my family, and for many Black Americans.
0
SPEAKER_00
Listen now.
0
SPEAKER_03
Hi listeners, this episode drops February 16th, and I ve learned that way back on February 16th of 1861, Abraham Lincoln met an 11-year-old girl named Grace Bettle while in Westfield, New York.
0
SPEAKER_03
The reason for the meeting was that the year before,
0
SPEAKER_03
Grace had gone viral, in a 19th century kind of way, when she had written to the president during his presidential campaign, suggesting that Honest Abe grow a beard to improve his electoral chances.
0
SPEAKER_03
Grace wrote to Lincoln, quote, I have got four brothers, and part of them will vote for you anyway.
0
SPEAKER_03
And if you will let your whiskers grow, I will try and get the rest of them to vote for you.
0
SPEAKER_03
You would look a great deal better, for your face is so thin. 
0
SPEAKER_03
Lincoln won the election, so clearly Grace s advice was rock solid.
0
SPEAKER_03
Plus, now I have an advice-giving role model to aspire to.
0
SPEAKER_03
Thanks, Grace!
0
SPEAKER_03
And I ll soon be in Dallas, San Antonio, Phoenix, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Iowa City, and New York City.
0
SPEAKER_03
Why might you ask?
0
SPEAKER_03
Because I m on tour, silly goose.
0
SPEAKER_03
If you live in one of these cities or happen to be there, or let s say you live in Austin and it s sold out, go to San Antonio or Dallas.
0
SPEAKER_03
Tickets are at TigNotaro.com.
0
SPEAKER_03
Claim your seat before it s too late.
0
SPEAKER_03
Now on with the show.
0
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, I think I ve gotten a couple of auditions, but in general, people are just like, do we need a low-energy, androgynous, gentle comedy in this moment?
0
SPEAKER_02
They can t fathom that.
0
SPEAKER_02
They can t look at you and see the beauty in you and go, yo, I wasn t thinking about somebody like that, but she s so amazing.
0
SPEAKER_02
We got to have this in there.
0
SPEAKER_02
We got to change this whole character up for her.
0
SPEAKER_03
Or sometimes I ll be like, here s the character, and then I ll be like, I have no range.
0
SPEAKER_03
And they re like, OK, well, we ll just stick you in there anyway.
0
SPEAKER_03
I always say on Star Trek, I m just Tig in space.
0
SPEAKER_03
This is Don t Ask Tig.
0
SPEAKER_03
I m Tig Notaro.
0
SPEAKER_03
And in honor of the holiday, please don t ask me to be your Valentine.
0
SPEAKER_03
I m happily married.
0
SPEAKER_03
That s inappropriate.
0
SPEAKER_03
With me now is a comedian, actor, and Emmy-nominated writer whose credits include Black-ish, Grown-ish, and Angie Tribeca.
0
SPEAKER_03
He has a Netflix comedy special titled Colehearted and hosts Friday Night Vibes on TBS alongside Tiffany Haddish.
0
SPEAKER_03
Dion Cole, it s good to have you on Don t Ask Tig.
0
SPEAKER_01
Hello, Tig.
0
SPEAKER_01
How are you?
0
SPEAKER_03
I m doing well.
0
SPEAKER_03
I m glad to see your face.
0
SPEAKER_01
So good to see your face as well.
0
SPEAKER_03
You know, I can t believe that we almost got to do a TV show together before it got canceled.
0
SPEAKER_02
You know what, that was going to be a really good show.
0
SPEAKER_02
As far as the talent, it was some funny people on that show.
0
SPEAKER_03
There were some funny people, yeah.
0
SPEAKER_03
Yes, and it s true.
0
SPEAKER_03
And, you know, Dion and I were judges or hosts or somewhere between the two.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, we were host judges or something.
0
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, and then it got canceled before anyone saw the light of day.
0
SPEAKER_03
It turns out the comedians on the show were more talented than we were.
0
SPEAKER_01
Because I still see them to this day, like a lot of you.
0
SPEAKER_01
They re blowing up right now.
0
SPEAKER_03
They re doing so great.
0
SPEAKER_03
And I was also like, oh, this will be so fun that I get to hang out with Dion regularly on this show.
0
SPEAKER_03
And then the universe was like, nope, this is going away.
0
SPEAKER_02
You know, they gave me a whole bunch of clothes.
0
SPEAKER_02
Me too.
0
SPEAKER_02
They gave me a bunch of clothes and never took them back.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_02
Because they were trying something new.
0
SPEAKER_02
They was like, you know what?
0
SPEAKER_02
This is a pandemic or whatever.
0
SPEAKER_02
Instead of you coming in to get dressed with makeup and stuff, they were like, why don t we just send you the season s worth of clothes?
0
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_03
Before we know that this is going to get canceled, are we going to get a bill from Netflix when they hear this?
0
SPEAKER_02
It took me a year to wear those clothes.
0
SPEAKER_01
Cause I kept thinking, are we going to do this show or not?
0
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
I know.
0
SPEAKER_01
I was like, I m about to wear these shirts, man.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_03
I started immediately integrating all of that into my day to day and wearing it on talk shows.
0
SPEAKER_03
I was like, if they have a problem with it, we ll deal with this later.
0
SPEAKER_03
It s a pandemic.
0
SPEAKER_03
And that was the beginning of the pandemic, because remember, we were still going into live comedy shows, and it was seconds before.
0
SPEAKER_02
It was seconds before.
0
SPEAKER_03
It shut down during that show.
0
SPEAKER_02
During the show, we was like, yo, everybody in the world has to shut down.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_02
And that was it.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, absolutely.
0
SPEAKER_03
And we were on the front lines, me and you, Dion.
0
SPEAKER_03
We were out there, no masks, like, what pandemic?
0
SPEAKER_03
And they were like, this pandemic.
0
SPEAKER_03
Scram.
0
SPEAKER_02
This is before vaccines, any of that, man.
0
SPEAKER_03
Before masks.
0
SPEAKER_02
It was before masks.
0
SPEAKER_02
It was all of that.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_03
And then it shut down.
0
SPEAKER_03
But we were in comedy clubs with hundreds of people.
0
SPEAKER_03
In brand new clothes.
0
SPEAKER_03
We was fresh as hell in brand new clothes.
0
SPEAKER_03
And look at us now just in sweatshirts.
0
SPEAKER_03
Look at us now.
0
What happened?
0
SPEAKER_01
That s so funny, man.
0
SPEAKER_03
Well, you turned 50, right?
0
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, yeah.
0
SPEAKER_03
I did too.
0
SPEAKER_02
Wow.
0
SPEAKER_02
Something else, ain t it?
0
SPEAKER_03
It is.
0
SPEAKER_03
It feels good.
0
SPEAKER_03
I like my age.
0
SPEAKER_03
I like where I am.
0
SPEAKER_02
Man, it s something else.
0
SPEAKER_02
I hate that it took me to hit 50 to get the mindset that I have now.
0
SPEAKER_02
Like, me now, I m like, I m not wasting no time with nothing, and I m not putting up with no bullshit.
0
SPEAKER_02
Like, this is just what it is.
0
SPEAKER_02
No negativity, no nothing, and we re gonna keep it moving.
0
SPEAKER_03
You finally got rid of all your negative ways, do you?
0
SPEAKER_02
Man, I got rid of all my negative ways.
0
SPEAKER_02
I m so positive now.
0
SPEAKER_03
But I mean, what are you talking about specifically when you re saying no negativity?
0
SPEAKER_02
Like one time I had this young lady fly out to me, right?
0
SPEAKER_02
She comes through the door and she s just like, oh my God, it was so terrible.
0
SPEAKER_02
That flight was so terrible.
0
SPEAKER_02
And then I thought she was coming to pick me up.
0
SPEAKER_02
You didn t come pick me up.
0
SPEAKER_02
You sent the car.
0
SPEAKER_02
I had to go walk and go find a car and I couldn t find it.
0
SPEAKER_02
And then I get in this Uber and this guy s talking to me the whole time.
0
SPEAKER_02
And I m just like, oh,
0
SPEAKER_02
And I m so hungry, and I just instantly grab my phone and start looking for flights.
0
SPEAKER_02
for her to go back to where she just came from.
0
SPEAKER_02
I m not even lying.
0
SPEAKER_02
As she was talking to me and complaining, I was looking up flights and I was like, I refuse to put up with that.
0
SPEAKER_02
Hopefully, God willing, another 50 years.
0
SPEAKER_02
I m not bringing that.
0
SPEAKER_02
So that s what I mean.
0
SPEAKER_02
I wish I had done this earlier.
0
SPEAKER_02
I hate that it took 50, but man, everything s been so smooth now.
0
SPEAKER_02
And it s still, I mean, I ain t saying life is perfect, but it s a good mindset to have.
0
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, for sure.
0
SPEAKER_02
Are you like that?
0
SPEAKER_03
Oh, my gosh.
0
SPEAKER_03
I strategically try to plan my life in ways to avoid negativity and bloodbaths.
0
SPEAKER_03
And I just try really hard to enjoy who I m around.
0
SPEAKER_03
I always tell people I am the epitome of no nonsense, but all nonsense.
0
SPEAKER_01
There it is.
0
SPEAKER_03
I try to walk that line of like, I want to do a good job.
0
SPEAKER_03
I want to get things done.
0
SPEAKER_03
But I also want to be the most ridiculous person that you ve ever spent time with.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
0
SPEAKER_02
That s the formula.
0
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_03
I just want a good life for everyone around me.
0
SPEAKER_03
And, um, I mean, you re pretty protective, right?
0
SPEAKER_03
About your personal life and.
0
SPEAKER_02
Oh yeah.
0
SPEAKER_02
Very much so.
0
SPEAKER_02
I m, I m the type of person, the more I give you, the more you have to use against me.
0
SPEAKER_01
Mm-hmm.
0
SPEAKER_02
So I m going to give you bare minimum.
0
SPEAKER_01
Mm-hmm.
0
SPEAKER_02
Unless it s performance, then I m going to give you 110%.
0
SPEAKER_02
But other than that, I m going to give you bare minimum.
0
SPEAKER_03
Mm-hmm.
0
SPEAKER_02
Because the less you know, the better.
0
SPEAKER_03
And you re talking about the outside world.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, absolutely.
0
SPEAKER_02
The outside world.
0
SPEAKER_02
There s so many times that I ve given myself to people, and they used what I gave them against me.
0
SPEAKER_02
You know, at a certain age, I m just like, yeah, I m gonna fall back.
0
SPEAKER_02
I m gonna get little.
0
SPEAKER_02
That s what I like to call it.
0
SPEAKER_02
Get little on people.
0
SPEAKER_03
Get little?
0
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, get little on people.
0
SPEAKER_03
Just with little information?
0
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, just in life.
0
SPEAKER_02
I just get real little in the corner and let everybody do their thing.
0
SPEAKER_03
How do you strike that balance with, you know, connecting with audiences and maintaining the getting little?
0
SPEAKER_03
I know you say you give 110 and I ve seen you- Yeah, performance-wise, yes.
0
SPEAKER_02
I mean, even when it comes to just performance-wise, material, all that, like anytime I go somewhere, I m probably the last to talk.
0
SPEAKER_02
That s kind of like how I get material.
0
SPEAKER_02
I just like to hear everybody out, you know, and just listen to everybody.
0
SPEAKER_02
And also by me being last to talk,
0
SPEAKER_02
it teaches me how to work a room.
0
SPEAKER_02
Because if I m the first to talk, then everybody knows me.
0
SPEAKER_02
If I m the last to talk, then I get to know what everybody else is thinking.
0
SPEAKER_02
And then if I feel like, you know, if I want to get on this person s good side, I know what to say.
0
SPEAKER_02
And if I want to get on this person s good side, I know what to say.
0
SPEAKER_02
Like, I ll be able to use what they said and what I heard, and then that dictates what I say.
0
SPEAKER_02
Does that make sense?
0
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_03
I hear you.
0
SPEAKER_03
Clearly you have your process of taking in information.
0
SPEAKER_03
And I mean, you re a writer also, which aside from just the material as a stand up, you re an actual pen to paper writer.
0
SPEAKER_03
Do people ask advice as far as writing goes?
0
SPEAKER_02
I do have people who do ask that, definitely.
0
SPEAKER_02
But not like a whole lot of people or nothing like that.
0
SPEAKER_02
I don t even know if people even know that I even write like that.
0
SPEAKER_02
They used to back in the day, but I don t know about this new generation at all.
0
SPEAKER_03
This new generation.
0
SPEAKER_03
They don t have a clue about your pen to paper writing.
0
SPEAKER_02
No, I don t think nobody cares is what I m saying.
0
SPEAKER_02
Nobody cares.
0
SPEAKER_03
So you re saying right now you don t have a line out your door waiting on advice on your writing?
0
SPEAKER_02
No, no, but those that know, they come and they ask me and I just, you know, tell them just, you know,
0
SPEAKER_03
Just watch the room.
0
SPEAKER_02
Man, watch the room, man, and just be unique and different.
0
SPEAKER_02
Everybody keeps forgetting that one main ingredient that comes to writing, stand-up, singing, whatever it is.
0
SPEAKER_02
The main ingredient is the person they re looking at in the mirror.
0
SPEAKER_02
That s the most unique thing in the world.
0
SPEAKER_02
But people keep going out in the world
0
SPEAKER_02
doing the shit they see when it s like you re looking at the game changer every morning and you don t do anything about it.
0
SPEAKER_02
You go out there and you do what the world tells you to do and you do it and you become a singer of this or that.
0
SPEAKER_02
But the main ingredient is this person.
0
SPEAKER_03
I know it s interesting because people are told that all the time growing up is you have to be yourself.
0
SPEAKER_03
And that s the key to success.
0
SPEAKER_03
And that s how to shine in whatever you do.
0
SPEAKER_03
And people think, no, no, no, that couldn t be it.
0
SPEAKER_03
This couldn t be the thing.
0
SPEAKER_03
And it is the thing.
0
SPEAKER_03
It is the thing.
0
SPEAKER_03
It is the thing.
0
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_02
It s that simple.
0
SPEAKER_02
But the way that the world conditions you, it s like, no, you go to school, you do this, you do that, which you should.
0
SPEAKER_02
But I m just saying that whatever you do, you have to apply yourself to it.
0
SPEAKER_02
And that s what makes you
0
SPEAKER_02
unfireable.
0
SPEAKER_02
That s what makes you unique.
0
SPEAKER_02
That s what brings a whole nother layer to what you do that nobody else can do.
0
SPEAKER_02
Like, if me, you, and two other people go outside right now and we see a car crash, it s going to be four stories about one crash.
0
SPEAKER_02
You know what I mean?
0
SPEAKER_02
Because we all have a unique way of saying what we saw.
0
SPEAKER_02
And it s no different when it comes to writing and stand up and acting and all that.
0
SPEAKER_03
And some people are better at relaying the details of a car crash than others, but we all saw something different.
0
SPEAKER_03
Now you mentioned that, you know, you re unfireable if you do your own thing, but I am living proof that that s not true because I ve been fired in standup.
0
SPEAKER_02
Put it like this.
0
SPEAKER_02
We all been fired, right?
0
SPEAKER_02
But if people like what you do, and everybody knows that, yo, Tig is that ingredient that we need, if they do fire you, they re gonna write in a breakdown character, Tig-like.
0
SPEAKER_03
I ve auditioned for Tig-like before and didn t get it.
0
SPEAKER_03
And didn t get it.
0
SPEAKER_03
You auditioned for Tig-like or Dion-like?
0
SPEAKER_02
No, Dion-like.
0
SPEAKER_02
I literally, at Fox Studio, I was writing for Conan at the time.
0
SPEAKER_02
I remember at work and I was looking at it and the breakdown said, Dion Cole type.
0
SPEAKER_02
And I was like, I got to get this.
0
SPEAKER_03
And didn t I get it?
0
SPEAKER_03
I didn t either.
0
SPEAKER_03
I lost the part, the Tig-like part.
0
SPEAKER_03
I think it s happened a couple of times.
0
SPEAKER_03
Are you serious?
0
SPEAKER_03
I ve had to go to auditions.
0
SPEAKER_03
I had to go to the network, to the studio, and prove that I was Tig-like for the role.
0
SPEAKER_03
And I couldn t prove it.
0
SPEAKER_02
There s nothing I could do.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yo, for real.
0
SPEAKER_02
That happened to me.
0
SPEAKER_02
I couldn t believe that.
0
SPEAKER_02
I was like, are you serious?
0
SPEAKER_02
I didn t get it.
0
SPEAKER_02
this role and I m the breakdown character?
0
SPEAKER_01
I was like, oh my God, that was so crazy.
0
SPEAKER_03
Now, Dion, are you ready to impart some life lessons upon my listeners?
0
SPEAKER_03
Please.
0
SPEAKER_03
This is an advice show after all.
0
SPEAKER_01
Please, let s do it.
0
SPEAKER_03
Our first question involves someone reluctant to give an answer.
0
SPEAKER_03
Hannah writes, my shared office has two unisex bathrooms directly adjacent to our offices.
0
SPEAKER_03
We can hear flushing and tall men peeing.
0
SPEAKER_03
Wow.
0
SPEAKER_03
Some people knock before trying the handle.
0
SPEAKER_03
I don t want to chat with an unknown person from the bathroom when multiple people in the office will hear me, so I prefer not to answer.
0
SPEAKER_03
Am I wrong?
0
SPEAKER_03
What is the correct bathroom etiquette here?
0
SPEAKER_03
Wow.
0
SPEAKER_02
See, I think that she has a gift.
0
SPEAKER_02
She can determine height from pee sound.
0
SPEAKER_02
That right there is where you need to, that s where you need to really be paying attention to.
0
SPEAKER_03
Yes.
0
SPEAKER_02
Tall, tall men.
0
SPEAKER_03
Or maybe a tall woman hovering over a toilet.
0
SPEAKER_02
It could be, it could be, Tig.
0
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_03
Is she wrong to not answer?
0
SPEAKER_03
I mean, because it would be nice to be able to have privacy when you re going to the bathroom or for whoever s going to the bathroom to have privacy.
0
SPEAKER_03
And you probably don t want to talk when you re going to do whatever it is you re doing, no matter how tall you are.
0
SPEAKER_02
This is true, but I think you look a little creepy when someone knows you re in there.
0
SPEAKER_02
And they re talking to you, and you re not speaking back.
0
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, maybe just a quick, just a second.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
0
SPEAKER_03
Or occupied.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
0
SPEAKER_03
You know what also might be fun is if somebody knocks, you could even say, this might take a while.
1
SPEAKER_01
One of my favorite bathroom bits that I like to do to make my wife laugh, because we have the luxury of both going into a bathroom, in a public bathroom at the same time, I guess it s a luxury, I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s the little things, right?
1
SPEAKER_01
But when she and I are in a public bathroom, and I know that she s still at the sink or something, and then I know a stranger has walked in,
1
SPEAKER_01
I will, while I m going to the bathroom, and this is obviously too much information, but I ll make this noise.
1
SPEAKER_01
I ll go, ow, ow, because nobody knows that I m there with my wife.
1
SPEAKER_01
I just sound like somebody alone in a bathroom stall with some sort of problem.
1
SPEAKER_01
Anyway,
1
SPEAKER_01
I think it s reasonable to say that you re in there.
1
SPEAKER_01
Maybe there could be like a sign on the door, right?
1
SPEAKER_00
How about if you carry your own personal sign?
1
SPEAKER_01
Uh-huh, right.
1
SPEAKER_00
And before you go in, you just put a... Scram.
1
SPEAKER_01
Just a sign that says scram, clown.
1
SPEAKER_00
And the coyote with running lines.
1
SPEAKER_01
Right.
1
SPEAKER_01
I also think there s more embarrassing noises that could come from a bathroom than just a minute.
1
SPEAKER_01
You know what I mean?
1
SPEAKER_01
So I think it s worth just using your voice to say, hold on, or I m going to need another 90 seconds or so.
1
SPEAKER_01
All right.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, um, Hannah, good luck with your bathroom breaks and Dan, we re going to take a break ourselves and we will be right back.
1
SPEAKER_01
If anybody wants to run to the restroom, do it now.
1
SPEAKER_01
More questions when we return.
1
SPEAKER_03
a six billion dollar con.
1
SPEAKER_03
It didn t take long for it to spread like wildfire.
1
SPEAKER_03
You got to take a look at this really crazy gold stock.
1
SPEAKER_03
A buddy of mine got in at a dime.
1
SPEAKER_03
Which destroyed lives and devastated communities.
1
SPEAKER_02
Every little town across the nation, people have shares in this.
1
SPEAKER_03
We lost everything.
1
SPEAKER_03
And to date, no one has been brought to justice.
1
SPEAKER_02
Somebody knows more than we know.
1
SPEAKER_03
The $6 billion gold scam from the BBC World Service and CBC.
1
SPEAKER_03
Search for the $6 billion gold scam wherever you get your podcasts.
1
SPEAKER_01
And we are back.
1
SPEAKER_01
Dion, you re a native son of Chicago, correct?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yes, yes, Chicago, Chi-town, my town, yes.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yes, I m about to be there on my tour.
1
SPEAKER_01
Nice.
1
SPEAKER_01
Maybe you can help out this next listener.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_01
Kathleen writes, I live in Chicago where street parking is scarce.
1
SPEAKER_01
On my street, it seems like we usually have just enough to fit my car when I get home from work at midnight.
1
SPEAKER_01
Unfortunately, there is one car that belongs to someone living on the street and they tend to park the car during the day when there are plenty of spaces.
1
SPEAKER_01
They consistently park so poorly as to take up the length of two cars.
1
SPEAKER_01
It drives me mad.
1
SPEAKER_01
Why do they do this?
1
SPEAKER_01
Am I crazy for being so bothered by this?
1
SPEAKER_01
How do I curb this behavior?
1
SPEAKER_00
Simple.
1
SPEAKER_00
This is what you do.
1
SPEAKER_00
You leave a note on their car and you just go, Hey, how you doing?
1
SPEAKER_01
I wouldn t say how you doing.
1
SPEAKER_01
Cause you don t want them to write back and tell you how they re doing.
1
SPEAKER_01
You don t want,
1
SPEAKER_01
I mean, it s a nice idea and vibe.
1
SPEAKER_01
The sentiment is, I get it.
1
SPEAKER_00
You can t just get right to it, Tig.
1
SPEAKER_00
You can t go move your car up, because then they re going to be like, no.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, there s a happy medium between, hey, how are you doing?
1
SPEAKER_00
No, you got to go, happy Black History Month, and then go right into it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Even if it s breast cancer awareness month?
1
SPEAKER_00
I mean, you can start with that, too, as well.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_01
You can say, I don t know when this note will reach you.
1
SPEAKER_01
But happy Black History Month, or Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
1
SPEAKER_00
Or... Happy Penguin Day.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then... Happy Penguin... Oh, that s a great opening.
1
SPEAKER_01
Happy Penguin Day.
1
SPEAKER_01
Move your car.
1
SPEAKER_01
That would make me so happy if somebody wrote, happy Penguin Day.
1
SPEAKER_01
Move your car.
1
SPEAKER_00
And you would be happier to start your whole day.
1
SPEAKER_00
And me personally, I ll go, I didn t even know it was Penguin Day.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s good.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, you know what?
1
SPEAKER_01
I shouldn t be surprised that you pulled out a penguin joke, because you always have the best bird jokes.
1
SPEAKER_01
I remember my favorite joke of yours is about ordering a round of vodka.
1
SPEAKER_01
What is it?
1
SPEAKER_01
Gray goose?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
You re like, what s a round of gray goose?
1
SPEAKER_01
Gray geese?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
I, of course, I m sure annihilated your bit, but you have the best bird jokes.
1
SPEAKER_00
gray goose, gray geese-esses.
1
SPEAKER_00
I ll just order a flakabaka.
1
SPEAKER_01
You and the birds.
1
SPEAKER_00
I know I always have some bird joke, you know.
1
SPEAKER_01
I do love birds though.
1
SPEAKER_01
But I agree.
1
SPEAKER_01
Say, happy penguin day.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then can you get to it and say, move your car?
1
SPEAKER_00
There we go.
1
SPEAKER_00
Exactly.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_00
Just like that.
1
SPEAKER_00
There you go.
1
SPEAKER_01
Kathleen, let us know how happy penguin day, move your car works.
1
SPEAKER_01
Dion, you re a global brand ambassador for Old Spice deodorant.
1
SPEAKER_01
So I think you should be able to help out on this next list.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay, let s do it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Lori writes,
1
SPEAKER_01
Tig, I know you don t have teenagers yet, but you will, and I m looking for advice with mine, and maybe you have insight.
1
SPEAKER_01
My youngest, they them, is 14 and stinks.
1
SPEAKER_01
They don t shower often enough and get mad when I nag them about it, but stinky is stinky.
1
SPEAKER_01
Telling them they don t want to be known for their stink at school, being gentle, being harsh, talking about hygiene and clinical terms, nothing works.
1
SPEAKER_01
How can I get my kid to wash their body and their clothes?
1
SPEAKER_01
They want to hug a lot, which I love, but I can only hold my breath for so long.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, wow.
1
SPEAKER_01
Personal hygiene is personal.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s personal, right?
1
SPEAKER_00
But when you re 14, that does not fit in their world.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
I wonder if this teenager has become attracted to anyone yet or involved with anyone romantically because
1
SPEAKER_01
You know, if there s not that element or a peer that they want to impress, they might not change for their mother.
1
SPEAKER_00
They will not.
1
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_00
It takes a young girl or a young man to come along to identify this odor in order for them to change.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I think you should set them up with somebody.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay, all right.
1
SPEAKER_01
And you could also Febreze them.
1
SPEAKER_00
You can Febreze them as well, but if you set them up with somebody that might like them, and then they let them down, or don t mess with them because of their odor, then that s gonna get them right on track.
1
SPEAKER_00
I know with young boys, they don t care until some girl comes along and tells them that they smell horrible, and then all of a sudden, man, cologne every day.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
Did you go through a stinky spell?
1
SPEAKER_00
I m quite sure I did.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m quite sure I did.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m quite sure I did.
1
SPEAKER_00
I think even at the age I am now.
1
SPEAKER_00
I know.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
There s some really off days that I have.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh my gosh.
1
SPEAKER_01
I feel for you, Lori.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
It might just take time and I can only assume you re
1
SPEAKER_01
Child is surrounded by people that are cleaning themselves.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s pretty typical for teenagers to be kind of slow on that.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
I think I put it together probably around 16.
1
SPEAKER_00
Uh-huh.
1
SPEAKER_00
When I started driving, because then I was able to go different places.
1
SPEAKER_00
And at that point, people was like, yo, like, ugh, we don t want to hang out with him or something.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
Speaking of driving, that could be good, you know, to have a Jeep or a motorcycle and get the air flowing through your child, you know?
1
SPEAKER_00
A scooter, something like that.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, something.
1
SPEAKER_00
Are women like that too, when they re younger?
1
SPEAKER_01
I mean, I don t know if you recognize me as a woman, but I probably pulled it together when I was 13, something like that.
1
SPEAKER_01
And now I m very much like,
1
SPEAKER_01
you know, teetering on germ issues.
1
SPEAKER_01
Do you have that?
1
SPEAKER_01
I feel like a lot of comedians end up with germ issues sometimes because of gross condos we have to stay in and shaking hands with strangers all the time.
1
SPEAKER_00
It is the worst.
1
SPEAKER_00
It is definitely the worst.
1
SPEAKER_00
I remember I used to get sick all the time, man, being on the road and then I had to stop that definitely.
1
SPEAKER_00
And just kind of like,
1
SPEAKER_00
fist bump or just wave or elbow bump or whatever.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, that is truly the most positive thing that s come from the pandemic is the elbow bump.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, right?
1
SPEAKER_01
Or just the blatant like, oh, sorry, you know.
1
SPEAKER_00
not gonna hug because nobody s gonna unless you re a real weirdo you re not gonna push and be like no you re gonna hug me yeah yeah you got a whole certain it s a whole different set of questions that the pandemic has brought on that you need to ask when you meet people and stuff now you know like it used to be like you know
1
SPEAKER_00
Do you have any sexual diseases?
1
SPEAKER_00
But now your first question is COVID.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then sexually transmitted diseases.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s second now.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
So you should ask if people have sexually transmitted diseases.
1
SPEAKER_00
I think you should.
1
SPEAKER_00
I think before you...
1
SPEAKER_01
And do you rely on their answer?
1
SPEAKER_00
I hope for an honest answer.
1
SPEAKER_00
I think you should get that.
1
SPEAKER_00
Like, who you breathing around first?
1
SPEAKER_00
And then I need to know that.
1
SPEAKER_00
I need to know what your what your environment is like.
1
SPEAKER_01
Who are you breathing around?
1
SPEAKER_01
What part of your body itches?
1
SPEAKER_00
And then what part of your body itches?
1
SPEAKER_00
Exactly.
1
SPEAKER_01
And how long has it been itching?
1
SPEAKER_00
And how long has it been itching?
1
SPEAKER_00
Exactly.
1
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, boy.
1
SPEAKER_00
All right, Lori.
1
SPEAKER_01
Take it from Dion, I guess.
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_01
Maybe you can send your teenager some Old Spice.
1
SPEAKER_00
Man, let us know where you at.
1
SPEAKER_00
We ll get you some Old Spice.
1
SPEAKER_00
We ll send you some Old Spice.
1
SPEAKER_00
And hopefully that works.
1
SPEAKER_00
And keep a mark on the bottle.
1
SPEAKER_00
See how often that line goes down on that bottle.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_01
Before you go, we have one more thing that I need you to help me with.
1
SPEAKER_01
And it s a segment that I call advice of yesteryear.
1
SPEAKER_02
When Jerry brags about taking Jenny out, he learns that she dates all the boys.
1
SPEAKER_03
So as we see now, menstruation is just one routine step.
1
SPEAKER_03
in a normal and natural cycle.
1
SPEAKER_02
How do you choose a date?
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, one thing you can consider is look.
1
SPEAKER_03
I did everything you said, but my boss still hasn t asked me to lunch.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay, and this is where we take a real question from an advice column of yesteryear, and we try to answer it a little better.
1
SPEAKER_01
This question hails from 1980 from America s most famous advice column, Dear Abby.
1
SPEAKER_01
Ed writes, dear Abby, my wife sleeps in the raw.
1
SPEAKER_01
Then she showers, brushes her teeth, and fixes our breakfast, still in the buff.
1
SPEAKER_01
We re newlyweds, and there are just the two of us, so I suppose there s really nothing wrong with it.
1
SPEAKER_01
What do you think?
1
SPEAKER_01
I mean, Dion, what is Ed s problem?
1
SPEAKER_01
I mean, I can t imagine if my wife was sleeping in the raw and cooking in the raw and then sitting down and writing an advice columnist.
1
SPEAKER_01
Can you imagine that thought process?
1
SPEAKER_01
I mean, really, think about it.
1
SPEAKER_00
You have to go, if she comes to here one more time, I m right.
1
SPEAKER_01
I am writing Dear Abby.
1
SPEAKER_00
If one arm right there, Abby, if she comes in the wrong.
1
SPEAKER_01
All right, that s it.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m getting my typewriter out.
1
SPEAKER_01
Ed, how dare you?
1
SPEAKER_01
You should be celebrating the freedom that your wife feels about herself and around you.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I m just baffled.
1
SPEAKER_00
Are you?
1
SPEAKER_01
Are you baffled, Dan?
1
SPEAKER_00
I am.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m baffled at the word in the raw.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s so... I guess we should back up to that.
1
SPEAKER_00
Let s get back to that.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s so just... Harsh.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s harsh.
1
SPEAKER_01
No wonder he s writing an old lady, Dear Abby, because he is clearly offended.
1
SPEAKER_00
Ed, is she skinless when she does this?
1
SPEAKER_01
Right.
1
SPEAKER_01
Are you looking at her tendons?
1
SPEAKER_01
In the raw.
1
SPEAKER_00
In the raw.
1
SPEAKER_01
He clearly sees nothing natural or romantic or beautiful about it.
1
SPEAKER_01
He s like, this is uncooked.
1
SPEAKER_01
This idea, this process is uncooked.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s raw.
1
SPEAKER_01
I mean, imagine she walks in his office and she s like, what are you doing?
1
SPEAKER_01
He s like, nothing.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m sorry, are you writing?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay, fine.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m writing a letter to dear Abby.
1
SPEAKER_01
Let me read this, honey.
1
SPEAKER_01
What is it?
1
SPEAKER_01
What are you writing here?
1
SPEAKER_01
My wife sleeps in the raw?
1
SPEAKER_01
That s what you think of me?
1
SPEAKER_01
I just, I can t even imagine.
1
SPEAKER_00
That is funny as hell.
1
SPEAKER_01
I wish she would have caught him writing this one.
1
SPEAKER_01
I know, right?
1
SPEAKER_00
What a nerd.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, he was writing, Dear Abby, about her rawness.
1
SPEAKER_01
1980s, so what, that was... That s funny.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s... 40 years ago?
1
SPEAKER_00
That s good stuff.
1
SPEAKER_01
So he s probably what, in his 60s or 70s, something?
1
SPEAKER_01
Ed, if you are listening now, and I know you are, I would like you to get your old typewriter out and you write me and Dion, and you tell us if you re still together with this woman.
1
SPEAKER_01
How would you feel if your partner or spouse was in the raw like this?
1
SPEAKER_00
She s making us breakfast.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_00
Us.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
While you lay in the bed.
1
SPEAKER_01
Writing Dear Abby.
1
SPEAKER_00
The problem is you, Ed.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yes, Ed.
1
SPEAKER_01
How dare you, Ed?
1
SPEAKER_01
Do you want to know what Abby had to say?
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, golly, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Let s hear it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Dion, you watch your language with all that golly.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh my gosh.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yo, let s hear it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Dion.
1
SPEAKER_01
Let s hear it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Dear Abby said,
1
SPEAKER_01
It s okay with me, but tell her to put on an apron when she s frying the bacon.
1
SPEAKER_01
Dion just took his headphones off.
1
SPEAKER_01
He just threw them down.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, man.
1
SPEAKER_01
I think that Ed and Dear Abby should hook up.
1
SPEAKER_01
Can you imagine going in, not only writing Dear Abby, but going in and saying, can you at least put on an apron when you re frying the bacon?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yo, who knew rawness was a problem back then?
1
SPEAKER_00
Who knew that this was even a word?
1
SPEAKER_00
Dear Abby is like,
1
SPEAKER_01
tell your wife when put on an apron when she s making you breakfast while you are writing dear abby oh these people oh man it was truly
2
SPEAKER_03
a man s world.
2
SPEAKER_03
It was a man s world, dude.
2
SPEAKER_03
Ed, you re right, Ed.
2
SPEAKER_03
You tell your raw wife to put on some clothes.
2
SPEAKER_01
While she makes you breakfast.
2
SPEAKER_03
And you type.
2
SPEAKER_01
Honey, could you please put something on while you re making me food?
2
SPEAKER_01
I m trying to relax and it s making me uneasy.
2
SPEAKER_01
Hmm.
2
SPEAKER_01
Dion, this is sadly the end of the show.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, man.
2
SPEAKER_03
So funny.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, God.
2
SPEAKER_01
You are so funny.
2
SPEAKER_01
I you are one of my favorite people to laugh with.
2
SPEAKER_01
I love your laugh.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I just think you re so funny.
2
SPEAKER_03
Thank you.
2
SPEAKER_03
Likewise.
2
SPEAKER_03
You re one of the best that ever did it.
2
SPEAKER_03
And you continuously keep doing it.
2
SPEAKER_03
It s so much fun.
2
SPEAKER_03
Thank you for having me.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, thank you so much for taking the time and congrats on everything going on with you.
2
SPEAKER_01
And is there anything you d like for my listeners to know about?
2
SPEAKER_03
If you want to come out to a show, man, I m on the road.
2
SPEAKER_03
Go to Deonco.com for tickets.
2
SPEAKER_03
Follow me on Instagram, D-E-O-N-C-O-L-E, man.
2
SPEAKER_03
I ll come to a city near you and come hang out, man.
2
SPEAKER_03
Come in the Raw.
2
SPEAKER_03
Come in the Raw.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
Come in the Raw if you do.
2
SPEAKER_01
Leave the apron at home when you go see Dave.
2
SPEAKER_03
Leave the apron coming to Raleigh.
2
SPEAKER_03
I want all the Raleigh.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, but when you get there, don t start complaining about your flight and that you re hungry, because you re going to get a free ticket back out of town.
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, thank you again.
2
SPEAKER_01
It was great seeing you, Dion.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I ll hopefully see you soon.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yes, love you.
2
SPEAKER_03
Love you.
2
SPEAKER_03
Thank you so much.
2
SPEAKER_01
Love you, too.
2
SPEAKER_03
All right, y all.
2
SPEAKER_03
Bye.
2
SPEAKER_01
One last thing.
2
SPEAKER_01
If you didn t know by now, the rumors are true.
2
SPEAKER_01
I am on tour.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m on the road saying hello again to everyone across America.
2
SPEAKER_01
Hello again is the name of the tour, by the way.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I m likely headed to your city or one near you.
2
SPEAKER_01
So look at the website for cities near you.
2
SPEAKER_01
Want to know for sure where I ll be?
2
SPEAKER_01
Go to TigNotaro.com and while you re there, get a ticket to the show.
2
SPEAKER_01
Can t wait to see you and your face.
2
SPEAKER_02
That s what you are.
2
SPEAKER_01
Don t Ask Tig is hosted by me, Tig Notaro.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s produced by Thomas Ouellette, Shana Deloria, and Ryan Lohr.
2
SPEAKER_01
Our executive producer and editor is Beth Perlman.
2
SPEAKER_01
Engineering and sound mixing by Johnny Vince Evans and Eric Romani.
2
SPEAKER_01
Digital production by James Napoli.
2
SPEAKER_01
Talent booking by Marianne Ways.
2
SPEAKER_01
Production support from Pizza Shark.
2
SPEAKER_01
Our theme music is Friend and Tig by Edie Burkell and Kyle Krusham, and Listen to Your Heart by Edie Burkell.
2
SPEAKER_01
Special thanks to Hunter Seidman.
2
SPEAKER_01
APM Studios executives in charge are Lily Kim, Alex Shaffert, and Joanne Griffith.
2
SPEAKER_01
Concept developed by Tracy Mumford.
2
SPEAKER_01
Our executive consultant is Dean Capello and Gobsmack Studios.
2
SPEAKER_01
You can always ask for advice at DontAskTig.org.
2
SPEAKER_01
Just write in with your problem or send us a voice memo.
2
SPEAKER_01
Remember to follow us on social media at DontAskTig.
2
SPEAKER_01
DontAskTig is a production of American Public Media.
2
SPEAKER_01
And as always, thanks, Dana, and I ll tell Becky.
2
SPEAKER_01
Hi, I m stand-up comedian and sex symbol Tig Notaro.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I m actor and writer Sheryl Hines.
2
SPEAKER_01
Before Sheryl and I got into the big business of podcasting together, we were just simply friends.
2
SPEAKER_00
And we re still friends.
2
SPEAKER_00
But now we talk about a different documentary every week on our podcast, Tig and Sheryl, True Story.
2
SPEAKER_00
So whether you love documentaries or just want to hear us slowly lose our minds, check out Tig and Sheryl, True Story, wherever you get your podcasts.
2
SPEAKER_01
Alright, cool.