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Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.
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I m Buck Rogers and I m joined by Star Galactic Battlestar Galaxy Champion, Monica Padman.
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Wow.
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I think we got galaxy in there three or four times.
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I wish.
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Oh, I wish this episode was about, tell us about a time you were a starfighter.
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Next month.
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This is about people s greatest fears coming true.
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And I mean, for you, you couldn t do this.
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This was rough.
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These are so good.
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Yeah, they really are.
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They re all really great stories.
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And, you know, we pick a clip to, you know, to promote, to animate from Doodle Boy.
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and it was hard to pick.
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Oh God, yeah.
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Because these are all really great.
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Yes, the sex story.
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And they re horrifying, every single one.
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And every one of them s great.
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Fuck it, don t listen.
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Please don t enjoy Greatest Fears Come True.
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♪ Hard times come and go ♪ ♪ Good times take them slow ♪
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I ma keep on shining.
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Oh, these are going to be scary.
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Hello.
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Hi, can you guys hear me?
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Beautifully.
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Is this Caitlin?
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Yes.
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So nice to meet you guys.
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This is so surreal.
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I ve been an arm cherry since the very beginning.
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Oh my goodness.
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We re all celebrating six years together then.
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Yes.
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Now, Caitlin, so many options to spell Caitlin.
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I have a couple of Caitlin friends and yet we got another one.
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Everyone always comments on the spelling.
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It s apparently the Irish spelling.
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I m not Irish, but that s what they tell me.
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It s somewhat phonetic, right?
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It s Kate and Lynn, just put it together.
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It totally works.
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Yeah, I like it.
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But I just haven t seen it.
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And there s not so many names where you have that level of variability.
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Yeah.
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You can kind of pick and choose.
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Yeah, can Dax be spelled any other way?
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D-A-C-K-S, but I have never seen anyone make that mistake.
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Or two Xs.
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Ooh.
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Oh, there you go.
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D-A-X-X.
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Why would they do that?
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D-A-X-X.
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Dax is... They really want you to hit
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I m never really writing my name, but I just was writing something where I had to write Dax s, and even that felt weird.
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A Dax apostrophe S off of an X. It feels weird.
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Like, do I just put an apostrophe like you do with a name that ends in an S?
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Sorry to bother you with all this, Caitlin, but these are on my mind.
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These are our greatest fears.
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Spearmint tea, Monica?
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Yes.
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Oh, look at her.
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Let me guess, Monica.
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Look at Caitlin.
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Smearment tea?
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Jury s out on it, though.
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I don t know yet if it s doing anything.
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Okay, keep us posted.
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I will.
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Are you also drinking a lot of smearment tea, Caitlin?
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I am not.
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Your skin looks really nice.
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It doesn t seem like you need it.
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Appreciate that.
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She didn t want to say thank you, because then I m acknowledging that her skin looks good.
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Yeah, she s very humble.
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It s the filter.
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Okay, so one of your greatest fears came true.
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This is a very exciting prompt.
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Yeah, because it could be anything.
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It could be anything.
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Yes.
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So this one might linger with you for a few days.
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Everyone I ve shared this story with has texted me or called me several days after to say that they can t stop thinking about it.
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Oh, that s my favorite kind of story.
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Like, poor things, the movie.
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Will I be able to sleep?
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Should Monica leave?
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I think that you ll enjoy the ride, but I do think that maybe lying in bed tonight, you might be thinking about it.
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Oh, wow.
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Wow.
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Okay.
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Okay.
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Please hit us.
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All right.
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So it takes place initially in the comfort of my own home.
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Typical weekday, end of day, hanging out with my kids on the couch, just chit-chatting about our days.
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And I rest my head on the couch cushion.
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I just feel some movement in my ear.
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Nope.
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That was odd.
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Didn t feel it again.
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Would you describe the movement like when you have water stuck in your ear?
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No, more like a tickle.
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Tickle.
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Oh, okay.
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And so I rest my head back down and then I feel it again.
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But not only did I feel it the second time, I could hear it.
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So it was double the sensation.
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Like, oh my God.
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I jump off the couch and I yell for my husband who s in the kitchen and I m like, get the otoscope, there s something in my ear.
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Wait, hold on.
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Get the ornoscope, is that what you said?
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Otoscope, like the ear tool to look inside.
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Do you have that at your disposal?
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Because kids.
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Yes, we have two young kids, and then I am also a physician s assistant, so I m in the medical field.
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Okay, okay.
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Oh my God, I have to marry someone in the medical field for this.
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You do, you ll keep them so busy.
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God bless him.
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He s non-medical, right?
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So he s trying to navigate around this ear exam, and then he goes, oh, yes, hon, there s a bug in your ear.
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No, no, no.
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Oh, a bug.
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At this point, I freak out.
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Medical goes out the window.
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I m just losing it.
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Yeah.
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So in our medical kit at home, I have a little syringe.
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I m like, I m just going to flush this guy out of there.
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It ll be easy.
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I ll go to the bathroom, get some lukewarm water, and I just start flushing my ear.
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Nothing s happening.
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I m still feeling the movement.
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No creature has exited my body and I m losing it.
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So at this point, Monica, I did not call 911.
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I know that would be your next suggestion.
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But I should mention at this point, I am an ENT PA.
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So I work in ENT.
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This is like some karma.
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Thank God I have those references at my disposal.
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So I text one of the physicians that I work with and he s like, meet me at the clinic.
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Let s go, let s get this thing out of you.
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I drive the 20 minutes to the clinic and it s a miracle I got there because I m freaking out the whole time, basically driving head at 90 degrees.
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Like I m going to take a bite of a taco.
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Can I ask, despite your in-depth knowledge of anatomy and physiology, is your fear that the thing s going to get into your brain, even though you know that s not possible?
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Is that what the freak out s about?
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No, it s just that there s something in my body that shouldn t be there.
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And it s like tickly and oh my God.
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But it s the combination of feeling it and hearing it because it s in your ear canal.
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So I call my good friend in Root, who s also a PA, but she s a psych PA.
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So she s like, I am zero help in this situation unless you need a Xanax.
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And I m like, yes, actually, please and thank you.
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That would be really helpful right now.
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Bring those two.
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I get to the clinic and the doc s waiting for me in an exam room.
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He s got it all set up.
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So again, we re in ENT.
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So we have ear microscopes, ear suction, tools, all that stuff.
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So I lay down and he s just narrating the exam.
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So he s looking at it and he s like, I m just seeing a lot of wax, more wax.
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And then he pauses.
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and he abruptly jumps off the rolling stool he s sitting on, backs into the corner and goes, yo!
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Because now you re getting the non-professional friendship treatment.
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This would be the colleague treatment.
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And that s what I said to him.
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I was like, you better be fucking with me or get your shit together and start treating me like a real patient.
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Not okay.
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I love that response.
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If not obvious already, he s from the East Coast.
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Wow.
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So he says, yes, 100%.
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There is a bug in your ear.
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So here s our two options.
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Option A, we can turn off all the lights, hold a light source right at your ear canal and hope it follows the light and crawls out on its own.
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Or two, we can put a bunch of lidocaine in your ear, anesthetize, like sedate him, paralyze the bug, and then use some suction to hopefully get him out.
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He s like, the problem with that is it s going to give you real bad vertigo.
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Oh, no.
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I m barely holding it together.
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I m like, just get it out.
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I don t care, you choose.
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So he s like, let s try the lights first.
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So he turns off all the lights, and we re just sitting in the dark, right?
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It s like 8.30 p.m., nobody s in clinic, it s just us.
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And after like two to three minutes, he s just like, this is a little awkward.
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I think we should move on.
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And I m like, okay.
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So then he dumps the lidocaine in my ear.
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My world starts spinning.
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I just squeeze by his clothes and I m just like, oh my God, please work.
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He s holding the suction tips as everything s coming out.
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And he s like, we got it.
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And he s like, holy shit, it was a spider.
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No.
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And this is when my worst fear comes into play, because I have horrible arachnophobia.
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Like, it could have been any other insect in the world, but of course it was a spider.
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And so I freak out.
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I mean, I m grateful it s out.
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And he says to me, after I ve chilled out a little bit, he s like, this is probably the best time to tell you, I ve never actually done that before.
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Well, of course not.
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How many times has that come across your desk?
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But as an ENT, you would think.
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If you had to make it relative to some object we re all familiar with, what was the size of this spider?
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So he said it was pretty tiny, half centimeter.
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But what he says to me was, well, you know, when there s one tiny spider.
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No.
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Who says that?
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Why?
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I hate them.
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Well, the same type of dude that goes, yo.
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Right.
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Exactly.
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So he s implying that they ve laid eggs in there.
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He s just fucking wonderful.
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But also, what if?
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I think he means it as, there s probably a hundred others on your couch.
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Oh.
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So I get home and I walk through doors and I told my husband, I was like, it was a fucking spider.
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And he like gives me the biggest bear hug.
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And he s like, babe, I know.
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I could tell when I first looked, but I know you well enough that I could not share that information with you, because your degree of freak out would have been exponentially higher.
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Yeah, he had a higher level of professionalism than the doctor did.
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And he just knows my worst fear, spiders, and to not tell me that.
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That s a good question.
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baby snake, a little tiny snake
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Why?
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Don t.
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Why?
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My kiddos, they stayed up late just worried about Mama.
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So they came running up and they re asking if I m okay.
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And then my four-year-old goes, Mama, did it leave its web in you?
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It s a web.
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Gross.
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So needless to say, physically, I m totally fine.
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Mentally, I am not.
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I have not recovered any little tickle, any little twinge, my hair rubbing.
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Did it occur to you to like sleep with cotton balls in your ear or anything?
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Totally.
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They say you eat like seven spiders in a year or something.
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They say that and we all know it.
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And then I m like, what blind double study took place to document this?
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But yes, I do hear that.
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Well, and that s what I would say.
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Like a spider doesn t crawl in your ear canal.
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No, that doesn t happen.
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It happens.
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And so now once you ve experienced it, you re now that person that s like, oh my God, that could totally happen.
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Bite her mind off.
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Frequency illusion.
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Liberal arts education.
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Needless to say, I tore the couch apart.
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I vacuumed everything.
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It s in your head all the time.
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So I laid awake most of the night just like, wow.
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Wow.
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And that was eight years ago.
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Do you still think about it?
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Did you say 16?
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No, it was just a few months ago.
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Oh, a few months ago.
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Really new and fresh.
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Where d I pull 16?
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That was the last call.
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But I m also grateful that didn t happen to my kid.
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What if it was in like the little two-year-old s ear?
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Like they would have to go to the OR to get that sucker out.
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Yes.
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Don t we think eventually it would have crawled out and be hungry?
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or just die and then stay in there.
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The doc said when he was looking at the wax, he was just staring at it and it looked like there was a little hair just resting on the wax, but then the hair moved.
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And so that spooked him and that s why he pushed off so aggressively.
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And he said that this little spider was basically using my wax as a shield and just like hiding behind it.
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Oh my, I hate that guy.
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What a rascal.
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And then you can t just go at him with instruments or suction because they ll fight back or run away.
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So you can t have them burrowing into your ear canal or perforating your eardrum going the wrong direction.
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Yeah, you attract more flies with honey.
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Then shit.
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Oh, I do.
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Okay.
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Yeah.
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You feeling it?
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Yeah.
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I already sometimes get really panicky about in the headphone because one time when nobody s listening, right.
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Andy had a bug in his headphone.
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Oh, that s like a bee in your beer bottle.
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Sure.
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It s bad.
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It s bad.
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Well, Kaylin, that was dynamite.
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I know Monica will definitely be thinking about that tonight.
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Forever.
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You know where my twisted brain goes?
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It d almost be worth having it to feel the relief of it leaving.
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Isn t that weird?
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Sure.
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I just feel like that moment where it s been pulled out would be so exhilarating.
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When it was happening, I was still in the midst of vertigo, too, that I was just like, what s up, what s down, where are we, is this out of me?
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And then it was, oh, and FYI, it was a spider.
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And then that was just like, lost it.
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Wowie, wow, wow.
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Oh, well, this was great.
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Yes, thanks for sharing.
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Sorry that happened to you.
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Thanks for taking the time to talk with us.
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I love everything you guys do.
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I m such a big, big fan and will continue to be as long as you guys share this with us.
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Thank you.
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Great meeting you, Caitlin.
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Thank you.
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Bye, guys.
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SPEAKER_01
Bye-bye.
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Ready for Brittany?
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SPEAKER_01
Yes.
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Help!
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What if your greatest fear is coming true real time?
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Hi, how are you guys?
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SPEAKER_00
Good.
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Are you Brittany?
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SPEAKER_00
I am Brittany.
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SPEAKER_00
Hello.
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SPEAKER_00
Nice to meet you.
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SPEAKER_00
Nice to meet you guys.
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And I see that you re a brown noser and you have followed Monica s advice, letter of the law.
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I even changed out my light bulb and everything.
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Full remodel.
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Yeah, I m trying.
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I tried to hang up posters, but they all fell.
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Where are you in the country?
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So I am from a little town in Michigan, Milan, Michigan.
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There s a drag strip there.
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There is a drag strip there.
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I have drag raced there many times in high school.
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No way.
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I hated it growing up, but I love it now.
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Good.
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You had a greatest fear come true.
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I did.
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This would be April 2021.
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I was freshly 23.
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I had my own little one bedroom apartment.
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I was super proud of.
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I ve been there not even a year yet.
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I would say this night in particular, I was just super lazy and
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I was just lousin  around on the couch.
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I didn t get up to close my blinds when it got dark out like I usually do, which I don t know if that s relevant detail, and that s why what happened happened.
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I m not sure, but I m gonna put it in there anyway.
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Don t victim shame just yet.
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Leave that to me.
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Okay, perfect.
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So, I mean, granted, I m on the top floor, but you can still see if you re far enough out.
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Anyway, so I m laying there.
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I m talking on the phone with my mom, and there s a loud thump outside in the hallway.
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That s not unusual.
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But of course I have a big old black lab.
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He freaks out when the dust settles.
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He is not leaving that door and he is like growling and he s not coming to me.
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He s not listening, but I m on the phone.
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He gets jealous of them on the phone.
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So I m like, okay, let me just get off the phone.
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So I got off pretty quickly.
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I m calling into me and he s still not coming.
1
SPEAKER_00
He is.
1
SPEAKER_00
dead nose, like on the store growling, but I can t be bothered to get up.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I start watching some TV and this goes on for like five minutes and then I can t take it anymore.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m like, you gotta stop.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I am like, all right, let me make this big show of getting up and going and looking at my people and showing him there s nothing there.
1
SPEAKER_00
We re fine.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I get up, I go look in the peephole and probably the scariest looking man I have ever seen is like this standing at my door.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, and that weird fish eye view of the person.
1
SPEAKER_00
And he is so close.
1
SPEAKER_00
I want people to know I m pierced.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m tatted.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m not afraid of like tattooed people.
1
SPEAKER_00
However, I will say when you are a young woman living on your own, a man covered in really
1
SPEAKER_00
Honestly, like shitty face.
1
SPEAKER_00
That is not the guy you want to see standing outside your door.
1
SPEAKER_01
He has declared that I am not pursuing a conventional employment path.
1
SPEAKER_01
Just minimally, we would agree.
1
SPEAKER_01
This person s like, yeah, I m never going to need a real job.
1
SPEAKER_03
Really?
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
I mean, literally covered.
1
SPEAKER_00
He s in the red hoodie and he is really close to my door, but he s looking away.
1
SPEAKER_00
And he s looking towards my stairs.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so I can t tell if there s somebody else on the stairs because I can t see that.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I run back to my phone.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m like trying to be quiet because I don t want him to know that.
1
SPEAKER_00
I know he s there because I piece together.
1
SPEAKER_00
This is what my dog has been growling.
1
SPEAKER_00
He s been standing there for five minutes.
1
SPEAKER_03
Oh, my God.
1
SPEAKER_00
No, not nothing.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I call my mom back and I m like, Mom, there s a man outside my door.
1
SPEAKER_00
Do I call the police?
1
SPEAKER_00
She s like, Yeah, call the police.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I hang up with her, and it happens so quick, but it feels so slow in your mind.
1
SPEAKER_00
But in the time that it takes me to dial 9-1-1 for it to ring and for them to answer, I go back up to my door.
1
SPEAKER_00
I look in the people.
1
SPEAKER_00
He is now facing my door, and he has his foot up.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m trying to whisper my address again.
1
SPEAKER_00
I don t want him to know that I know he s there.
1
SPEAKER_00
But as I m doing that, I see my door like lurch forward a little bit.
1
SPEAKER_00
And there is one lock between me and this guy.
1
SPEAKER_00
No deadbolt.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s just a deadbolt.
1
SPEAKER_00
So it s not like a regular lock.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s just one deadbolt.
1
SPEAKER_00
But I m panicked.
1
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_00
Can you pick those?
1
SPEAKER_00
I m not sure.
1
SPEAKER_00
Like I slam my body against the door.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m like,
1
SPEAKER_00
have my hand on my lock, desperately trying to keep it closed.
1
SPEAKER_00
Me trying to whisper my address quickly becomes like a panicked yell.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
Good.
1
SPEAKER_01
You want him to know you re in there calling the police for sure.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
After I get my address out, I look in the people and he s gone.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I m like, okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
And they sent an officer out.
1
SPEAKER_00
Luckily I live two streets down from the police station.
1
SPEAKER_00
So they have an officer
1
SPEAKER_00
within minutes.
1
SPEAKER_00
I open the door and the cop, he s around my age.
1
SPEAKER_00
And the very first thing he says to me, I open the door and he goes, Oh, you re crying.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
I tell him what happens.
1
SPEAKER_00
I give the description.
1
SPEAKER_00
Again, this is a very particular looking man.
1
SPEAKER_00
He should not be hard to find if he s still around.
1
SPEAKER_00
So he s like, OK, me and a couple of other officers are going to go look for him.
1
SPEAKER_00
You stay tight.
1
SPEAKER_00
I ll come back.
1
SPEAKER_00
So while he s gone, I pack a bag because I m not staying here, especially if they don t find him.
1
SPEAKER_00
he comes back up he says sorry we didn t find them but we ll keep patrols through the night i m like okay but i m not going to stay here so can you walk me to my car and he said okay and how this setup works like you go outside and you go on the sidewalk right in the middle of the parking lot there s the visitor parking and then to the right of that there are the sticks assigned spots for the first six departments and they re like under this kind of roof thing
1
SPEAKER_00
So you have the first six assigned spots, the visitor parking, and then to the left of the visitor parking is the last six spots.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I am the last apartment, so I have the very last spot.
1
SPEAKER_00
And it s unlit back there.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s by a couple of dumpsters, this big old maintenance shed.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s a very sketchy looking area that I didn t really think twice about before.
1
SPEAKER_00
We get to the sidewalk, so he walks me there.
1
SPEAKER_00
We have to go left and all the way down to get to my car.
1
SPEAKER_00
And he just stops and goes, do you want me to walk you all the way to your car?
1
SPEAKER_03
Jesus man.
1
SPEAKER_03
Oh my God.
1
SPEAKER_00
And you know, I m panicked and I m a people pleaser.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I was like, no, it s okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
So we split up.
1
SPEAKER_00
I go to my car.
1
SPEAKER_00
I get my dog in there real quick.
1
SPEAKER_00
I get me in there.
1
SPEAKER_00
I locked the door.
1
SPEAKER_00
I punched it in reverse.
1
SPEAKER_00
And as I am driving away, I look and right where me and that
2
SPEAKER_01
I m just we re on that sidewalk 30 seconds prior.
2
SPEAKER_01
That man is there staring at me.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh my god.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh my lord.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh my I don t know where he came from.
2
SPEAKER_01
But it was terrifying.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m like, Okay, well, good thing the cops here and I looked to where the cops should be.
2
SPEAKER_01
And this guy, he booked it out of there quicker than I did.
2
SPEAKER_01
He is already like on the street.
2
SPEAKER_01
He s gone.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh my boy.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh boy.
2
SPEAKER_01
I can see where he s going.
2
SPEAKER_01
There s two exits to get out.
2
SPEAKER_01
He took one exit, but he s going towards the second exit.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I
2
SPEAKER_01
quickly book it over there as he s passing the exit.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m like frantically like flashing my brights, try to get his attention.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
He just keeps going.
2
SPEAKER_01
This guy.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m more upset with the cop who responded to the assailant.
2
SPEAKER_01
He made it so much worse.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
So anyway, I m following.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t know why I didn t honk my horn.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m panicked.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m not thinking correctly, but I follow him the whole way, flashing my brakes the entire time to the police station.
2
SPEAKER_01
He gets out.
2
SPEAKER_01
He parks.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m like, hey, the guy was right there.
2
SPEAKER_01
And he was like, Oh, that was the guy.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh my Lord.
2
SPEAKER_01
Is there another heavily face headed man in a red hoodie that we re not looking for?
2
SPEAKER_03
It could be easier to find than a red hoodie.
2
SPEAKER_01
I know.
2
SPEAKER_01
So anyway, I left my grandparents, I hooked to Facebook and I gave the descriptions like, anybody know who this is?
2
SPEAKER_01
Why was this guy at my door?
2
SPEAKER_01
People shared it at this angel of a stranger who was concerned.
2
SPEAKER_01
They re like, please don t ever say this is me, but.
2
SPEAKER_01
They sent me pictures of him and they sent me like a screenshot from his Facebook saying, Hey, I m finally free.
2
SPEAKER_01
And she s like, he just got off house arrest because he s got his ankle bracelet off.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then she sent me his prison record and turns out he had just got out of prison for home invasion.
2
SPEAKER_01
So that was really, really comforting.
2
SPEAKER_01
It just kind of transferred to this week long thing.
2
SPEAKER_01
It was just a whole bunch of miscommunication going on through the police station.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like some people were telling me.
2
SPEAKER_01
that they never found him.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then some people were saying, oh, no, they did find him that night.
2
SPEAKER_01
He was at the wrong apartment.
2
SPEAKER_01
You shouldn t be scared.
2
SPEAKER_01
He was just drunk.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s fine.
2
SPEAKER_03
He s just a nice ex-con who likes to invade homes.
2
SPEAKER_01
It was just such a mess.
2
SPEAKER_01
And the people were trying to, like, defend the con.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like, oh, he might have just found you attractive and didn t know.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m like, no, we re not making excuses for people.
2
SPEAKER_02
By the way, you got to move.
2
SPEAKER_03
What a weird assumption that he found you attractive.
2
SPEAKER_03
So he ignored you and accused you of being a baby and didn t walk you to your car.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s a bizarre way to show you like somebody.
2
SPEAKER_01
Exactly.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_01
I really think it was the police that made it just this much worse.
2
SPEAKER_01
I still live here and I ve never seen him again, so that s good.
2
SPEAKER_01
But that was absolutely terrifying.
2
SPEAKER_01
I just had never prepared myself for that situation.
2
SPEAKER_03
I guess you would have moved right out.
2
SPEAKER_03
Right, Monica.
2
SPEAKER_03
You ll never gone back.
2
SPEAKER_01
I wanted to.
2
SPEAKER_01
I wanted to.
2
SPEAKER_01
I just couldn t.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s what happened to me when I got attempted mugging by the gang that lived in the next apartment over from mine in Santa Monica.
2
SPEAKER_03
And then there was a big altercation between me and the guy.
2
SPEAKER_03
And then when the cop was telling me, he s like, well, look, this gang is next door to you.
2
SPEAKER_03
You should move.
2
SPEAKER_03
And I m like,
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
Give me the three grand for the deposit and the first, like I have rent control here.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s not on the table.
2
SPEAKER_03
So now what?
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
I literally can t leave.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I m just going to have to deal with it.
2
SPEAKER_01
Not feeling safe in my own home.
2
SPEAKER_03
Thank God you got that dog though.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s very helpful.
2
SPEAKER_01
I love him.
2
SPEAKER_01
He s wonderful.
2
SPEAKER_01
My little protector.
2
SPEAKER_01
And if I can give advice to anybody, especially young women living alone, get a doorbell camera.
2
SPEAKER_01
It is a game changer.
2
SPEAKER_01
I just bought one.
2
SPEAKER_01
And they re so easy to install.
2
SPEAKER_01
I installed it myself.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like, it s wonderful.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I never have to look in a peephole again.
2
SPEAKER_03
And you can stay on the couch and see who s there.
2
SPEAKER_01
And you can tell them, I ve called the police.
2
SPEAKER_02
I called the police yesterday.
2
SPEAKER_02
You can communicate with them.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_02
The police are on their way.
2
SPEAKER_02
You don t want to just have like one door in between because that s the scary thing.
2
SPEAKER_02
I d have to move because of the guy, but really I d have to move because I can t trust the cops.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, you do move out of the town entirely.
2
SPEAKER_02
Well, definitely different area where there s different cops.
2
SPEAKER_02
Cause they do nothing.
2
SPEAKER_01
I have zero confidence in them.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then like right after this, somebody DM me and I never said the officer s name on social media.
2
SPEAKER_01
I just kind of said like they were bullshit or something.
2
SPEAKER_01
And somebody DM me and they re like, Oh, it was the same officer that came to me.
2
SPEAKER_01
She said she got her license plate stolen and he came and was like, Oh, well that doesn t happen in Milan and did nothing about it.
2
SPEAKER_03
Have you watched American nightmare on Netflix?
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, it s great.
2
SPEAKER_03
It s a doc.
2
SPEAKER_03
Put it on your list.
2
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_01
I love documentaries.
2
SPEAKER_03
Well, Brittany, this was a blast getting to chat with someone from Milan, Michigan.
2
SPEAKER_03
It s been 30 years since I was there.
2
SPEAKER_01
Hey, well, if you re around again, I ll be here probably.
2
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_03
I ll be in a red hoodie and I have tattoos.
2
SPEAKER_01
All right.
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, you know what?
2
SPEAKER_01
Welcome in.
2
SPEAKER_03
Well, great meeting you.
2
SPEAKER_03
Thanks so much for telling us that story.
2
SPEAKER_01
Thank you for your time.
2
SPEAKER_01
I appreciate it.
2
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_01
Bye-bye.
2
SPEAKER_01
Ooh, that s scary.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh my God, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
Not worse than the spider though.
2
SPEAKER_03
Different.
2
SPEAKER_03
What would you rather have?
2
SPEAKER_02
Spider, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
Then like a home invasion, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
You gotta be realistic.
2
SPEAKER_03
But it didn t happen.
2
SPEAKER_03
We re comparing both stories.
2
SPEAKER_02
Still, the level of fear that is happening.
2
SPEAKER_02
Would be much higher.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
Hello.
2
SPEAKER_03
Hi there.
2
SPEAKER_03
What fake name would you like?
2
SPEAKER_03
What name have you always dreamt of being called?
2
SPEAKER_00
I m going to go real name.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, you are?
2
SPEAKER_00
I was going to go fake and I was talking to someone and they were like, it s not like you re running a marathon and pooped yourself and had an orgasm.
2
SPEAKER_00
It isn t that bad.
2
SPEAKER_00
When you put it that way.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
I doubt you ll tell any story that s more embarrassing than the many I ve told on here.
2
SPEAKER_00
That one is the best I ve ever heard.
2
SPEAKER_00
I couldn t agree more.
2
SPEAKER_03
I ve told that story so many times.
2
SPEAKER_03
When I m trying to encourage people to check the show out, that is always the one I tell.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m like, this is the kind of story you might bump into on Armchair Anonymous.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m so proud of her for sharing that with us.
2
SPEAKER_00
Truly, that was so brave.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m Andrew, though.
2
SPEAKER_03
Okay, wonderful to meet you, Andrew.
2
SPEAKER_03
Where are you?
2
SPEAKER_03
Does your hat betray your location?
2
SPEAKER_00
No, I am in central Pennsylvania.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, okay, wonderful.
2
SPEAKER_02
Are you from the South?
2
SPEAKER_00
I am not.
2
SPEAKER_00
I spent eight years in the Deep South.
2
SPEAKER_00
Orlando, Mississippi, but no, I m born and raised central PA.
2
SPEAKER_00
Do I have an accent?
2
SPEAKER_00
I hear a tiny bit.
2
SPEAKER_03
Melissa, if you talked to dudes in my town, you would hear this.
2
SPEAKER_00
I could pull off Michigan.
2
SPEAKER_03
All right, so you had one of your worst or greatest fears come true.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, so this is a dermatology story.
2
SPEAKER_00
I can t bury the lead.
2
SPEAKER_00
I have to start there.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_00
This is going to be a dermatologist appointment story and the first time I ever went.
2
SPEAKER_03
Okay, great.
2
SPEAKER_03
Andrew, I just was there yesterday or Monday?
2
SPEAKER_03
Monday.
2
SPEAKER_02
A couple days ago.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
You should go once a year.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m a big proponent.
2
SPEAKER_00
I was not at the age of 25, so this is about 17 years ago, 2006, 2007.
2
SPEAKER_00
I d never been to the dermatologist.
2
SPEAKER_00
I have no desire to go to the dermatologist.
2
SPEAKER_00
And this is kind of important for why this is my greatest fear come true.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m fair-skinned, definitely susceptible to moles, and the kind of person that should go to the dermatologist.
2
SPEAKER_03
You ve got a red beard.
2
SPEAKER_03
I can t see what the hair is.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m not, it s, I should go to the dermatologist.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_00
The thing is, I don t like to be touched.
2
SPEAKER_00
I don t like to be prodded, poked.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m ticklish.
2
SPEAKER_03
I hear ya.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s not my scene.
2
SPEAKER_00
I always was kind of chubby, body dysmorphia.
2
SPEAKER_00
Being inspected inch by inch is terrifying.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_00
And so this is the first time I m 25, I m newly married, and my wife says, well, tough, you re going to the dermatologist.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I say, all right.
2
SPEAKER_03
This is why men live longer when they re married.
2
SPEAKER_00
It is.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I go by myself.
2
SPEAKER_00
I get in the room.
2
SPEAKER_00
They asked me to strip down to boxers, put on the backless gown.
2
SPEAKER_00
This is all expected.
2
SPEAKER_00
Go ahead and do that.
2
SPEAKER_00
Sit down.
2
SPEAKER_00
And eventually the male doctor comes in and he has a female assistant with him.
2
SPEAKER_00
And they start the process.
2
SPEAKER_00
So they go.
2
SPEAKER_00
head to toe, hands out, open fingers, closed face, full body, inch by inch, sitting on the table.
2
SPEAKER_00
This sucks.
2
SPEAKER_00
He s talking to the assistant, you know, use a medical term, shoulder this, that, it s fine.
2
SPEAKER_00
Moves down through the whole body.
2
SPEAKER_00
And then he says, all right, Andrew, I need to check below the boxers.
2
SPEAKER_00
Check all the areas.
2
SPEAKER_03
Can I pause you for half a second?
2
SPEAKER_03
Because I had only gone for this for the first time two years ago.
2
SPEAKER_03
And then I was back again Monday.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m like, I m going for a skin cancer scan.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s what I think.
2
SPEAKER_03
And I m like, no one s got skin cancer on their dick and balls or their ass crack.
2
SPEAKER_03
So I m not prepared and I m chatting with the doctor and she s like, all right, let s get those boxers down.
2
SPEAKER_03
I was like, oh wow, I didn t even expect that.
2
SPEAKER_03
Were you in the same state of mind?
2
SPEAKER_00
I did not expect it.
2
SPEAKER_00
I want to be very clear.
2
SPEAKER_00
I don t think this particular doctor did anything wrong at all.
2
SPEAKER_00
There was absolutely no shenanigans.
2
SPEAKER_00
I will say I have been back to the dermatologist since and I have never been examined this thoroughly.
2
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay, so the first time s the best time.
2
SPEAKER_00
We push him down and I m exposed and the doctor starts working through the front.
2
SPEAKER_00
Lifting your penis and lifting your testicles.
2
SPEAKER_00
Moving everything around, getting all the examination.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like, well, you know, I wasn t expecting this, but exciting at least.
2
SPEAKER_00
Gets to the back.
2
SPEAKER_00
So now I m kind of bare back to the room, to this nurse, to the doctor.
2
SPEAKER_00
He gets the hands and kind of.
2
SPEAKER_00
Spreads.
2
SPEAKER_00
A little spreadage.
2
SPEAKER_00
Opens you up.
2
SPEAKER_00
And then the fear started happening.
2
SPEAKER_00
He goes, hmm.
2
SPEAKER_00
No.
2
SPEAKER_00
Not the time you want to hear a hmm.
2
SPEAKER_00
No.
2
SPEAKER_00
I bet your butthole puckered up actually when you heard hmm.
2
SPEAKER_00
He says something to her.
2
SPEAKER_00
It was different than the other work through the body.
2
SPEAKER_00
He says, you can pull him up now.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I turned back to him.
2
SPEAKER_00
He says, Andrew, we found a mole between your buttock and we really need to take a look at it.
3
SPEAKER_01
We re gonna need to slice it off and biopsy it.
3
SPEAKER_01
I just don t like the look of it.
3
SPEAKER_00
Boy, this is why they turn over every stone, right?
3
SPEAKER_00
That s why they spread you open.
3
SPEAKER_02
Do we think this is why the wife, like the wife has seen it?
3
SPEAKER_02
Ah.
3
SPEAKER_02
You know?
3
SPEAKER_01
Now that s an interesting question I can ask later.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s not a bad hunch.
3
SPEAKER_02
Because she doesn t want to say to you, hun, you got something going on in your butt.
3
SPEAKER_00
In your butthole, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
But she can say like, it s time for you to go to the dermatologist.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yes, and make sure they spread your butt cheeks open.
3
SPEAKER_00
Not because I ve seen anything, but.
3
SPEAKER_02
Maybe that s why they were so thrilled.
3
SPEAKER_02
She called ahead.
3
SPEAKER_02
She called ahead, wow.
3
SPEAKER_02
She was like, make sure you don t skip this part.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is incredible what may have happened.
3
SPEAKER_00
You guys are really putting some paranoia in me now.
3
SPEAKER_00
You ll be divorced by the end of the week, trust us.
3
SPEAKER_00
How many wives have seen Into?
3
SPEAKER_00
Sure.
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t know, but okay.
3
SPEAKER_00
All right.
3
SPEAKER_01
We ll pick it back up.
3
SPEAKER_01
Table that.
3
SPEAKER_01
We need to slice it biopsy.
3
SPEAKER_01
Me being a naive 25 year old, I m like, that sounds terrible.
3
SPEAKER_01
Let me schedule that.
3
SPEAKER_01
Tell me how this works.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh no, we re doing that right now.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, we just let you pull your boxers up for fun to have this conversation, but they re coming right back down.
3
SPEAKER_01
Exactly.
3
SPEAKER_01
Give us five minutes.
3
SPEAKER_01
We just need to go prep.
3
SPEAKER_01
We ll be back.
3
SPEAKER_01
So I pick up my phone as they leave.
3
SPEAKER_01
This is like pre-smartphone.
3
SPEAKER_01
So I m hitting three buttons at a time to text my wife.
3
SPEAKER_01
What the heck?
3
SPEAKER_01
This is awful.
3
SPEAKER_01
It better be cancer and I better be dying because this is awful.
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t know if WTF was a thing yet, but we were there.
3
SPEAKER_01
He comes back in.
3
SPEAKER_01
He comes with the assistant, pushes a little cart, but there s two extra people with him.
3
SPEAKER_01
Let s get all eyes on this.
3
SPEAKER_01
Hi, these are our new medical assistants.
3
SPEAKER_01
Today s their first day.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh.
3
SPEAKER_01
We re just going to have them observe.
3
SPEAKER_01
Now, see, the difference is the doctor, you know, he s 50, the nurse, he s whatever.
3
SPEAKER_01
I m 25.
3
SPEAKER_01
First day medical assistants, they re like 24.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
They re my peers.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I m looking at them and I m like, oh, they re very attractive.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, no.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, no.
3
SPEAKER_01
Now we have an audience, and it s not just like a doctor thing.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s like, oh, we got a brand new first day.
3
SPEAKER_01
We got two models in.
3
SPEAKER_01
Hotties coming in to observe me getting my butt mole sliced off.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh!
3
SPEAKER_01
Andrew, get on the table, take off your boxers, lay face down.
3
SPEAKER_01
I m against the table, I m beet red, I am completely dying inside.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
Then he adds the final twist to the story.
3
SPEAKER_01
He calls the two medical assistants over, who are gloved, and he says, why don t you guys assist me?
3
SPEAKER_01
Could you hold him?
3
SPEAKER_01
No.
3
SPEAKER_01
Split him open.
3
SPEAKER_01
No.
3
SPEAKER_01
Could you hold him open while I slice
3
SPEAKER_01
The mole was.
3
SPEAKER_01
As a 42-year-old now, I m like, it was worse for them than me, probably, maybe.
3
SPEAKER_01
But they come over on their first day, they re, and I m sitting here like, we didn t prep for this, right?
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t know how I would have prepped for it, but there wasn t like prep.
3
SPEAKER_01
So my mind s like, what s it look like?
3
SPEAKER_01
I can t even think about it.
3
SPEAKER_01
I m sure it was not pretty in any way.
3
SPEAKER_01
The whole thing in reality probably lasts all of two minutes.
3
SPEAKER_01
They do the thing, he slices.
3
SPEAKER_01
He has one of them put a Band-Aid on it.
3
SPEAKER_00
That was thoughtful.
3
SPEAKER_01
He s like, you can put your boxers on again.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I couldn t do this fast enough.
3
SPEAKER_01
Stan, I m looking at him.
3
SPEAKER_01
I mean, you could have cooked an egg on my face.
3
SPEAKER_01
I am beet red.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then I have to stand in the room while he explains next steps, still with the two medical assistants, the nurse and him looking straight at me.
3
SPEAKER_01
I m dead.
3
SPEAKER_01
This was terrible.
3
SPEAKER_01
It was as professional as could be, but it was absolutely mortifying.
3
SPEAKER_01
And every fear of going to a doctor, you know, you guys like never again doing this.
3
SPEAKER_01
It took me 10 years and living in Florida before I finally was like, OK, I guess I should go do the dermatologist again.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I have and I go yearly.
3
SPEAKER_01
You should go yearly.
3
SPEAKER_01
Bad as it is.
3
SPEAKER_01
And it was as bad as it could be for me.
3
SPEAKER_01
But you got to do it.
3
SPEAKER_00
You got to do it.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, what s funny is like for any German listeners, they can t even relate to this.
3
SPEAKER_02
What do you mean?
3
SPEAKER_00
Cause they re so fucking comfortable being nude around each other.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like this wouldn t even be like, Oh yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Bring in everyone.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Right.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is cultural.
3
SPEAKER_00
I feel your every pang, but it s so cultural.
3
SPEAKER_00
I have a very similar story.
3
SPEAKER_00
You remember it about going to the free STD clinic and everyone I m dealing with checking in and I m 22 or three.
3
SPEAKER_00
And everything s groovy until I get behind the curtain.
3
SPEAKER_00
And yes, it s a female doctor who seemingly just graduated.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I immediately feel like I m on a reality show because she is a 10.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I m there to say, like, I think I have a venereal disease.
3
SPEAKER_00
Would you inspect my penis and balls?
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s always doctors.
3
SPEAKER_01
You put yourself in a situation where you re no longer in control of it.
3
SPEAKER_01
You no longer are the smartest person in the room, at least about something.
3
SPEAKER_01
I have a couple doctor stories.
3
SPEAKER_01
That seems to be when they happen, but it was truly awful.
3
SPEAKER_00
Well, Andrew, that was lovely and very funny.
3
SPEAKER_00
You should be proud to have your name associated with that story.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s a banger.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yes, I agree.
3
SPEAKER_02
And I m glad you re getting yourself checked out.
3
SPEAKER_02
It s important.
3
SPEAKER_00
Me too.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I think in March I have to go again.
3
SPEAKER_01
So I have like a month of prep.
3
SPEAKER_00
And if you re up for it, we d love to see your butt crack right now, just as we could warn you ahead of time what people might find.
3
SPEAKER_01
I ll pass on that opportunity, but I appreciate what you guys do offer to everyone.
3
SPEAKER_01
And Dax, you are my most used GIF ever in life, with Frito from Idiocracy, the I love money.
3
SPEAKER_01
Number one, without a doubt, the most used.
3
SPEAKER_01
I do software development and do consulting, so I ll often get asked, like, about a project, and that s my immediate response is you, like, I like money.
3
SPEAKER_00
How about, um, wait, you like sex and money.
3
SPEAKER_00
We should hang out.
3
SPEAKER_01
That s a pretty good one.
3
SPEAKER_01
That one doesn t come up as much in work calls.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, that s best.
3
SPEAKER_01
No, you guys are awesome.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I m in my me undies.
3
SPEAKER_01
I just updated a Squarespace site and I m going to have a big Mac after this.
3
SPEAKER_01
So tell Spotify, it s all working.
3
SPEAKER_01
Go double sauce, double cheese.
3
SPEAKER_01
All right.
3
SPEAKER_01
Well, great meeting you, Andrew.
3
SPEAKER_01
Thank you so much.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
Thank you guys.
3
SPEAKER_01
Have a good one.
3
SPEAKER_02
Okay, it really is important that they look like they do all the stuff because I have a friend who has a mole in her lady parts.
3
SPEAKER_02
And she went to the dermatologist and was like, I have this, you need to look.
3
SPEAKER_02
And they re like, it s fine.
3
SPEAKER_00
They didn t want to see it.
3
SPEAKER_02
They need to check.
3
SPEAKER_02
Hello.
3
SPEAKER_00
Hello.
3
SPEAKER_00
Hi.
3
SPEAKER_00
We have dueling dog pictures behind our heads.
3
SPEAKER_00
You ve got a golden retriever or two.
3
SPEAKER_00
Those are different.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, two.
3
SPEAKER_03
Nelly on the left.
3
SPEAKER_03
I can t even tell left or right from your view, but Rooney is the other one.
3
SPEAKER_03
One is like a sweet angel and the other is like crackhead.
3
SPEAKER_00
They sound alternative Rooney and Ellie.
3
SPEAKER_00
They sound like they re into alternative stuff.
3
SPEAKER_03
Nelly, short for Penelope.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, also a cute alternative name.
3
SPEAKER_03
I love these names.
3
SPEAKER_00
Do you have any children?
3
SPEAKER_03
I do not.
3
SPEAKER_00
Right.
3
SPEAKER_00
I would have guessed that because the care with which you ve given these dogs names, most people just like, oh, fucking whatever.
3
SPEAKER_00
We ll call them Gus.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is meticulous.
3
SPEAKER_03
Well, I feel like I ll always have these photos now that I printed them.
3
SPEAKER_03
So they ll always have their space, whether we have kids or not.
3
SPEAKER_00
I hope you use frame bridge to mount and display those.
3
SPEAKER_03
I wanted to, this was like a cheap rock.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay, so, Jane, you had one of your greatest fears come true.
3
SPEAKER_00
Is this true?
3
SPEAKER_03
Yes, I did.
3
SPEAKER_03
Gonna be a little cringeworthy.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, it s my favorite kind.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay, we re excited.
3
SPEAKER_03
A little backstory.
3
SPEAKER_03
My husband and I had gone to visit my parents for, like, a long weekend.
3
SPEAKER_03
We had a wedding.
3
SPEAKER_03
My parents were selling their house, so their estate sale, like, no furniture in the house, no beds, except for the one they were sleeping in.
3
SPEAKER_03
So,
3
SPEAKER_03
My husband and I basically slept on the floor one night because the air mattress deflated.
3
SPEAKER_03
And then the next night, patio cushions, makeshift bed in the family room with my sister.
3
SPEAKER_03
It was kind of a long weekend with that, not sleeping well.
3
SPEAKER_03
And then we were driving home and we were kind of like, we haven t done the deed in a while.
3
SPEAKER_03
The long weekend, whatever happened the week before, it had been a while.
3
SPEAKER_00
I just want to point out that I m proud of you that a long weekend without was a long time.
3
SPEAKER_02
No, she said the week before.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, she did.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh God.
3
SPEAKER_00
I thought just you had him banged on the weekend and that had been a long time.
3
SPEAKER_00
That was an exciting timetable.
3
SPEAKER_03
But normally the weekend we try to make time for each other.
3
SPEAKER_03
You know, we re not working or stressed.
3
SPEAKER_03
So the week before and then the weekend.
3
SPEAKER_03
we were horny we were on the ride home we were like all right we gotta stretch the itch we get home we unpack a little bit and i think i was just like scrolling
3
SPEAKER_03
on my phone on the couch and my husband, you know, gave me the eye.
3
SPEAKER_03
We made our way to the bedroom and went from there.
3
SPEAKER_03
I think for those earlier reasons, I was a bit more vocal than normal.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_00
Cause of the buildup.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_03
I had even, I really rarely do this, but like gave a little instruction, you know, a little to the left.
3
SPEAKER_00
Wonderful.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is the dream.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
Right.
3
SPEAKER_03
A great experience.
3
SPEAKER_03
And then we re nearing the end and.
3
SPEAKER_03
My phone starts to vibrate.
3
SPEAKER_03
Like I m getting a call.
3
SPEAKER_03
I kind of just ignore it.
3
SPEAKER_03
I m like, Oh, my sister s probably calling me.
3
SPEAKER_03
And then my husband s phone starts to buzz as well, but we re like so close to the end.
3
SPEAKER_03
We re like, we re just going to power through and figure it out.
3
SPEAKER_00
After we finish, I just, I m having Aaron weekly flashbacks, but please continue.
3
SPEAKER_03
So immediately after he looks up and sees my phone is towards the head of the bed by the pillows.
3
SPEAKER_03
And he goes,
3
SPEAKER_03
Are you on Instagram Live right now?
3
SPEAKER_02
No!
3
SPEAKER_02
You are kidding!
3
SPEAKER_02
You are kidding me!
3
SPEAKER_02
No!
4
SPEAKER_02
No!
4
SPEAKER_02
I panic.
4
SPEAKER_02
I ve never flipped over so fast to grab my phone.
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh my God.
4
SPEAKER_02
I knew Monica would do it.
4
SPEAKER_04
This is horrifying.
4
SPEAKER_02
Wow.
4
SPEAKER_01
And even worse, I d be like, Oh my God, panic.
4
SPEAKER_01
And then you d be like, well, I only have so many followers.
4
SPEAKER_01
Probably no one saw.
4
SPEAKER_01
But then you re like, well, no, people are already warning us that people I know have seen this.
4
SPEAKER_02
I m immediately like our phones were buzzing.
4
SPEAKER_02
So I flip over, I see it s like face up camera is facing to the ceiling.
4
SPEAKER_02
It s on live.
4
SPEAKER_02
There s a few names underneath.
4
SPEAKER_02
You can only see a few, like who are in the line.
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh,
4
SPEAKER_04
Oh, of course.
4
SPEAKER_02
One of the only ones I saw was an ex boyfriend and like an old friend.
4
SPEAKER_02
That s all I see before I just panic exit out of everything.
4
SPEAKER_02
I immediately was just running around the house naked.
4
SPEAKER_02
Like what do I do with myself?
4
SPEAKER_02
Like I can t even fathom.
4
SPEAKER_02
I got a call from a friend I hadn t talked to in forever.
4
SPEAKER_02
And she was like, I know we haven t talked in a long time, but I would have wanted you to call me if you noticed.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I was like, I have no words.
4
SPEAKER_02
I m so embarrassed.
4
SPEAKER_02
She was like, I joined and immediately left and started calling you.
4
SPEAKER_02
People got messages, like Janie went live.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yes, of course.
4
SPEAKER_02
On their phone.
4
SPEAKER_01
I ve seen that.
4
SPEAKER_01
When people I m following go live, I get alerted.
4
SPEAKER_02
Piecing it together, I call my sister, freaking out.
4
SPEAKER_02
My husband just was like, oh gosh, jumps in the shower.
4
SPEAKER_02
Doesn t give a fuck.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh my God.
4
SPEAKER_01
Well, he kind of killed it.
4
SPEAKER_01
Sounds like he was killing it.
4
SPEAKER_01
He s like, he s proud as a peacock.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m glad your ex-boyfriend heard that.
4
SPEAKER_01
I brought it home.
4
SPEAKER_03
What do you think people saw if it was facing the ceiling?
4
SPEAKER_03
Do you think they just heard?
4
SPEAKER_03
So they just heard.
4
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_03
Thank God.
4
SPEAKER_02
I m not typically noisy.
4
SPEAKER_02
I just happen to be like, you know what?
4
SPEAKER_02
Screw it.
4
SPEAKER_02
This is a great experience.
4
SPEAKER_02
I m going to be louder.
4
SPEAKER_02
I just, I can t.
4
SPEAKER_01
But you know, what s interesting really quick.
4
SPEAKER_01
So for me on the outside and acknowledging I m a man, if I had to get caught having sex, that would be the version I d want, which is like, I m kind of a hell cat and a lot of fun.
4
SPEAKER_02
Honestly, he s in the shower.
4
SPEAKER_02
I m just pacing.
4
SPEAKER_02
He was like, you should just post on your story.
4
SPEAKER_02
Like, well, hope you enjoyed the show.
4
SPEAKER_02
I really contemplated it.
4
SPEAKER_02
I was like, I guess we can own it.
4
SPEAKER_02
Whatever.
4
SPEAKER_02
But my sister was like, ignore it.
4
SPEAKER_02
It never happened.
4
SPEAKER_02
Don t talk about it.
4
SPEAKER_01
Think how much different it could have gone.
4
SPEAKER_01
The conversation they could overhear is like, I know.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
Get lube.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, where s the lube?
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, do you need a minute?
4
SPEAKER_00
Do I need to help?
4
SPEAKER_01
It could have been impotence and it could have been dryness and it could have been like maybe an ouch.
4
SPEAKER_01
Look, we all know how it can go.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
I ve replayed the sex in my mind so many times.
4
SPEAKER_02
Like what exactly was I saying?
4
SPEAKER_02
I.
4
SPEAKER_02
have nightmares i will often this happens honestly every other time now if i don t leave my phone outside of the room i mid-sex i m like i have to look at my phone and make sure it s off
4
SPEAKER_02
Honestly, it seems like it was just girlfriends, which, whatever, that s fine, but the ex, I don t know.
4
SPEAKER_01
The ex-boyfriend was just meming more, wishing he was still with you.
4
SPEAKER_01
I guess.
4
SPEAKER_01
That s a win.
4
SPEAKER_02
It should be harder to go live.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, you should have to, like, type in a code or something.
4
SPEAKER_01
You should give your password.
4
SPEAKER_02
I ve never gone live before.
4
SPEAKER_02
You have to swipe up, hit start.
4
SPEAKER_02
Like, I don t know how my hand, I just threw my phone on the bed.
4
SPEAKER_02
Ugh.
4
SPEAKER_02
So I got a notification from Instagram shortly after, like, you ve been flagged for sexual activity.
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh, wow.
4
SPEAKER_02
Well, my sister s friend reported it because she thought it would, like, end it.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh.
4
SPEAKER_01
Like it would get cut off.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, that makes sense.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
Although now you re a registered sex offender.
4
SPEAKER_02
Thank God I m private.
4
SPEAKER_02
I don t know what co-workers thought.
4
SPEAKER_02
I have no idea.
4
SPEAKER_02
I m a nurse.
4
SPEAKER_02
There could have been doctors that I work with on.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I don t know.
4
SPEAKER_02
Nobody has brought it up to me.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I imagine all your interactions for the next week, you re like hyper focused on like, are they acting differently among me, which makes you act differently, which then could make them act differently.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
The flag on Instagram, like took it off and it said seven M underneath seven minutes.
4
SPEAKER_02
No, that is long.
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh no.
4
SPEAKER_02
I was like, maybe it was seven minutes ago.
4
SPEAKER_02
And then the longer I thought I was like, no, that was the entire experience.
4
SPEAKER_02
Seven whole minutes.
4
SPEAKER_02
People going in.
4
SPEAKER_02
In and out, in and out of the live.
4
SPEAKER_02
I have no words.
4
SPEAKER_02
It was so scary in the moment, but I mean, I laugh about it.
4
SPEAKER_02
I tell everybody now.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s fantastic.
4
SPEAKER_01
Did you happen to hear my best friend, Aaron Winkley s story about being on a zoom AA meeting in the morning and he had no idea his microphone on diarrhea.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yelling at his dog, coughing.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I think about it all the time.
4
SPEAKER_01
That s worse, because he was like as gross as he can possibly be.
4
SPEAKER_02
Right.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I was like, what, did I sound hot?
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
I was calling friends.
4
SPEAKER_02
Like, did it sound good?
4
SPEAKER_02
Or was I like a beached whale?
4
SPEAKER_01
From what you described, it sounds really hot.
4
SPEAKER_02
I like to think so.
4
SPEAKER_02
I m sure it was.
4
SPEAKER_02
I really almost posted, hope you enjoyed the show.
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh, that s great.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, that s a good one.
4
SPEAKER_02
I ll never not think about it when I m having sex.
4
SPEAKER_02
Hopefully in a year, I ll not think about it.
4
SPEAKER_01
Since you have these two dogs, are you guys ever having sex and you look away from your husband, you notice one of your dogs just staring you directly in the eye?
4
SPEAKER_02
Well, that, or they start like licking toes.
4
SPEAKER_02
We usually lock them out, but you know, sometimes it s random.
4
SPEAKER_02
They re there.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, we used to have a dog Lola that would like, try to get right in the action.
4
SPEAKER_01
All of a sudden you re like, what s my, my leg.
4
SPEAKER_01
There s something hairy.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh man.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, Jane, thanks for that.
4
SPEAKER_02
It s a good cautionary tale to keep your phones away out of the room.
4
SPEAKER_02
Well, I wanted to say thank you guys.
4
SPEAKER_02
We had a really rough year last year and this year is starting off better and we are going into a fertility treatment in a couple of days.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I just feel so positive and happy and so excited.
4
SPEAKER_02
You guys really did that for me.
4
SPEAKER_02
And that means more than, you know, going into this process.
4
SPEAKER_01
Did you listen to race to 35?
4
SPEAKER_02
A hundred percent.
4
SPEAKER_02
I did.
4
SPEAKER_02
It felt really good to hear people talking about it.
4
SPEAKER_02
Cause you just see the same stories.
4
SPEAKER_02
You Google it s the same people.
4
SPEAKER_02
There s not a lot.
4
SPEAKER_02
I appreciate you guys so much.
4
SPEAKER_01
Well, thank you so much.
4
SPEAKER_02
Lots of luck and love triple fingers.
4
SPEAKER_01
Thank you.
4
SPEAKER_01
All right.
4
SPEAKER_01
Great meeting you, Jane.
4
SPEAKER_01
Good luck with everything.
4
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_01
Bye-bye.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, that was great.
4
SPEAKER_01
That was a really good prompt.
4
SPEAKER_01
We re gonna have to repeat that.
4
SPEAKER_03
Great, great submissions.
4
SPEAKER_01
I ran the gamut.
4
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, I like when you never know what it could be.
4
SPEAKER_03
There s so many options.
4
SPEAKER_01
I was a little nervous, because we do a lot of laughing and joking, and as I m joking and laughing with the people, I have this little fear in the back of my mind, like, I hope this isn t like an abduction story, and I m a little too lighthearted for it.
4
SPEAKER_03
I m setting the wrong plate for this.
4
SPEAKER_03
Man, scary stuff.
4
SPEAKER_01
Okay, so of all those, which one would you pick?
4
SPEAKER_03
To happen to me?
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
So we have a mole being cut off.
4
SPEAKER_01
We have livestream sex.
4
SPEAKER_03
Oh, mole being cut off.
4
SPEAKER_01
Abductor.
4
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, that s the worst.
4
SPEAKER_01
Potential abductor.
4
SPEAKER_03
Abductor s the worst.
4
SPEAKER_03
Instagram Live s the second, and a close second.
4
SPEAKER_03
And third is spider, and fourth is mole.
4
SPEAKER_03
I m fine with that.
4
SPEAKER_01
Let s get the whole team in.
4
SPEAKER_01
People can look.
4
SPEAKER_01
People can look.
4
SPEAKER_01
They can look.
4
SPEAKER_01
They just can t touch.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
All right.
4
SPEAKER_01
Love you.
4
SPEAKER_03
Love you.
4
SPEAKER_00
Do you wanna sing a tune or something?
4
SPEAKER_00
We don t have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go.
4
SPEAKER_00
We re gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we ll get some suggestions on the fly, right?