0
SPEAKER_00
I feel like I would totally walk around with this.
0
SPEAKER_00
I bought a keyboard for my iPhone.
0
SPEAKER_00
Oh, my.
0
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
My eyesight is getting bad.
0
SPEAKER_00
You put your phone like this because my computer is on the fritz and for writing and stuff, it s just like an annoying.
0
SPEAKER_00
So I m going to get a new computer.
0
SPEAKER_00
But in the meantime, in the meantime, it s kind of a cool kind of a cool thing.
0
SPEAKER_01
It looks like Barbie, like it looks plastic and metallic.
0
SPEAKER_01
We ABR.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yep.
0
SPEAKER_01
Hi.
0
SPEAKER_00
Hello.
0
SPEAKER_00
What s up?
0
SPEAKER_00
What s up?
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I m good.
0
SPEAKER_00
I mean, I m like, I m affected by the news.
0
SPEAKER_00
I m finding it hard to like compartmentalize.
0
SPEAKER_00
It feels like in 2020, we had to get used to like seeing very difficult things and then having to like
0
SPEAKER_00
hop into a meeting and just be totally normal and like that shifting I think has been hard but I guess it s the reality we live in.
0
SPEAKER_00
Wait that shifting?
0
SPEAKER_00
Like shifting from seeing like the most traumatic thing I ve ever seen.
0
SPEAKER_00
Oh I see, I see.
0
SPEAKER_00
And then like needing to be like.
0
SPEAKER_00
The transition.
0
SPEAKER_00
The transition and even
0
SPEAKER_00
Like, I feel like my phone has become like a trauma slot machine.
0
SPEAKER_00
One thing is, oh, it s a funny joke about, you know, moms who are boomers.
0
SPEAKER_00
And then it s just, you know, a wounded child just.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I don t think it s good for our brains.
0
SPEAKER_00
I don t either.
0
SPEAKER_00
So I have a hard question for you.
0
SPEAKER_01
Great.
0
SPEAKER_01
Why are you continuing to look?
0
SPEAKER_01
Because I have I there s a few people in my life who I can tell
0
SPEAKER_01
I mean, it s the worst thing ever, but I can tell via social media, via the things they re posting, that they re all consumed and upset that they re all consumed.
0
SPEAKER_01
Right.
0
SPEAKER_01
But there is an answer, which is having some distance from it.
0
SPEAKER_00
But like, I don t like the word privilege in this instance, but like, I feel like I have the privilege to turn away and to put down my phone.
0
SPEAKER_00
But does that align with who I want to be in the world?
0
SPEAKER_01
But who do you want to be?
0
SPEAKER_01
You want to be someone who just in the room is like so upset all the time or because it doesn t
0
SPEAKER_01
do anything for anyone for you to feel horrible.
0
SPEAKER_01
It just really doesn t.
0
SPEAKER_01
What do you think you re being productive from?
0
SPEAKER_01
I m literally asking because maybe I don t know.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I think emotions are messages and I have been the most productive when I ve felt my emotions and used my emotions and channeled them in the right way, right?
0
SPEAKER_00
And so at the beginning, I think I, with this, whatever you want to call it, I feel like whatever I call it, it s going to be, someone s going to be mad about how I refer to it.
0
SPEAKER_00
But the images were so difficult that I think I was a little dissociated.
0
SPEAKER_00
And now I just feel a little bit, yeah, haunted by it.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I personally think everyone should care about what s going on.
0
SPEAKER_00
And then, yeah, when I start feeling sad about the fact that I m sad, I m like, but at least I m alive.
0
SPEAKER_01
But exactly, though.
0
SPEAKER_01
So I think we re saying we re almost saying opposite sides of the same coin.
0
SPEAKER_01
I m definitely not saying don t care.
0
SPEAKER_01
I don t think it s right to say like caring equals.
0
SPEAKER_01
being in pain.
0
SPEAKER_01
It doesn t.
0
SPEAKER_01
You can care what s going on and hope for change and peace and donate if you want to donate or whatever you feel is actually productive, like what will help a situation or not help the situation.
0
SPEAKER_01
For some people, that s sharing information.
0
SPEAKER_01
I don t find that to be helpful to anyone personally.
0
SPEAKER_00
Sharing information is not helpful.
0
SPEAKER_01
Sharing trauma, sharing just, this is bad, this is bad, this is bad, this is bad, we know.
0
SPEAKER_01
But some people don t.
0
SPEAKER_00
I mean, I think that s the issue, right?
0
SPEAKER_00
Like, who doesn t know in your own silo who s following you on Instagram?
0
SPEAKER_00
Who doesn t know?
0
SPEAKER_00
So many people.
0
SPEAKER_00
People I ve unfriended, you know, people I ve even known for a long time have, I mean, you know this.
0
SPEAKER_00
Even people I work with and it s been very tense and has created a lot of difficulties because people have a different story about what s happening.
0
SPEAKER_00
I feel the responsibility to and again, I m not executing on it.
0
SPEAKER_00
That s the other thing is I feel a little bit paralyzed.
0
SPEAKER_00
But I think information is actually really helpful right now because a lot of people are in the silos of confirmation bias, right?
0
SPEAKER_00
Well, they ll seek out information that confirms their position.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I ve learned a lot from people who don t agree with me.
0
SPEAKER_00
I don t even think we can talk about this to be honest, so I think we should move on.
0
SPEAKER_01
But I m sorry that you re feeling the weight of it.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it s just like a vibe shift.
0
SPEAKER_00
Like we re just in a, there s been a vibe shift for a while, but I think it s just a lot to sort of take in all of the
0
SPEAKER_00
Uncertainty and yeah, just a very big unknown about the future and how this all unfolds and how it affects people.
0
SPEAKER_00
And yeah, I don t think it s useful to be in a state of panic.
0
SPEAKER_00
And so it s a good lesson in managing ourselves.
0
SPEAKER_00
And again, channeling emotions in a productive way and self-regulation and all those things.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
I feel like a lot of people are not, I m not self-regulating before I go out and talk about it to someone, then it s going to be unproductive.
0
SPEAKER_00
We want productive things to happen.
0
SPEAKER_01
How are you?
0
SPEAKER_01
What s going on?
0
SPEAKER_01
I m good.
0
SPEAKER_01
I still have my cold, which is annoying because it s lingering.
0
SPEAKER_01
But it s OK.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s just a cold because I ve tested and stuff.
0
SPEAKER_01
So just hanging on.
0
SPEAKER_01
But I do have an update.
0
SPEAKER_01
OK.
0
SPEAKER_01
Went on a date last night.
0
SPEAKER_01
You did?
0
SPEAKER_01
I did.
0
SPEAKER_00
Oh, my God.
0
SPEAKER_00
You re so sneaky.
0
SPEAKER_00
It was great.
0
SPEAKER_01
OK.
0
SPEAKER_01
It was great.
0
SPEAKER_01
He s great and so hot.
0
SPEAKER_01
OK.
0
SPEAKER_01
So that was exciting.
0
SPEAKER_01
And OK.
0
SPEAKER_01
This is the part I feel really weird and bad saying on here, because I don t want to jeopardize what could happen with this person.
0
SPEAKER_01
And there s no expectation or anything, but we re going to see each other again.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I like him.
0
SPEAKER_01
He seems very good.
0
SPEAKER_01
Good heart.
0
SPEAKER_01
Good heart.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
But I have a date tonight as well.
0
SPEAKER_01
Oh, my God.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
Double, double.
0
SPEAKER_01
With a different person.
0
SPEAKER_01
I never date, let alone have two things happening back-to-back, so it s a new feeling.
0
SPEAKER_01
How does it feel?
0
SPEAKER_01
It feels weird.
0
SPEAKER_01
It feels kind of unfair, if I m being honest.
0
SPEAKER_01
Two?
0
SPEAKER_01
It feels like I m comparing because they re so close together.
0
SPEAKER_01
Okay, yeah, sure.
0
SPEAKER_01
I don t know if that s fair, like it s so hard for me.
0
SPEAKER_01
They re like contestants.
0
SPEAKER_01
Kind of, kind of.
0
SPEAKER_01
And that s so, I know that s not true.
0
SPEAKER_01
I mean, sort of.
0
SPEAKER_01
No, because it s a two way street and there s, I m not like, it s not The Bachelor.
0
SPEAKER_01
I m not picking someone or The Bachelorette.
0
SPEAKER_01
I m not picking someone, but I also am, right?
0
SPEAKER_01
Like in my own head, I am deciding if I want to try to continue to pursue something with one of these people or both.
0
SPEAKER_01
But it s just like when you re texting with two people and you see how two people are behaving.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s so hard to not put like to not compare them.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I feel bad.
0
SPEAKER_00
Why?
0
SPEAKER_00
So first of all, who s winning?
0
SPEAKER_00
I can t say you can t.
0
SPEAKER_00
No, I mean, you can t say it publicly or you can t say I can tell you.
0
SPEAKER_00
OK, definitely one of them.
0
SPEAKER_00
OK, so there s definitely one that you like more.
0
SPEAKER_00
And what do you like about him?
0
SPEAKER_01
He has game.
0
SPEAKER_01
He knows what he s doing.
0
SPEAKER_01
I feel excited to be liked by this person.
0
SPEAKER_01
Now, for me, that can be a slippery slope where I want the approval of someone who I think is quote, better than me for some reason.
0
SPEAKER_01
But I don t think that about this person.
0
SPEAKER_01
So it s broken this weird mold where I don t think like this person is better than me, but I really like who this person is showing me that he is.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I like it.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I want to learn more about him.
0
SPEAKER_01
And he s so hot.
0
SPEAKER_01
He s so hot.
0
SPEAKER_00
Great.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
That s fantastic.
0
SPEAKER_00
And he s got game like he s like in his career.
0
SPEAKER_00
Like he knows what he s doing.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
He has a good job.
0
SPEAKER_01
He s close with his family.
0
SPEAKER_01
We have some fun things in common.
0
SPEAKER_01
I enjoy him.
0
SPEAKER_01
OK.
0
SPEAKER_01
And so then tonight I feel bad.
0
SPEAKER_00
But also you don t even know if he like this a first date.
0
SPEAKER_00
And so he obviously he s probably excited about the date.
0
SPEAKER_00
He might not be.
0
SPEAKER_00
But he might.
0
SPEAKER_00
Right.
0
SPEAKER_00
Like you guys haven t met yet.
0
SPEAKER_00
And so maybe you don t know how the vibe will feel in person necessarily.
0
SPEAKER_00
So I wouldn t feel bad going into it.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s only about the way I feel.
0
SPEAKER_01
I have no idea how anyone else feels in this scenario.
0
SPEAKER_01
He could maybe care less about meeting me.
0
SPEAKER_00
No, no, no.
0
SPEAKER_00
I m not saying that.
0
SPEAKER_00
But it s not like you re like betraying like a promise or a commitment that you have to him.
0
SPEAKER_00
That s what I meant.
0
SPEAKER_01
That is true.
0
SPEAKER_01
I want to give him a fair shot.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I think it s getting harder and harder as this other person is here.
0
SPEAKER_01
So you ve been on one date with this other person?
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
Since yesterday.
0
SPEAKER_00
OK.
0
SPEAKER_00
But I ve been texting with both of these people for a bit.
0
SPEAKER_00
So there was already an advantage.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
OK.
0
SPEAKER_00
I mean, you could also you could also know I m not going to cancel.
0
SPEAKER_00
I mean, you could be honest and say, like, I just met someone and it feels weird.
0
SPEAKER_00
I ve done that.
0
SPEAKER_00
It feels weird to pursue this when I m kind of, you know, involved in and I want to see this
1
SPEAKER_01
think through and give it the effort, sending you my best and like, because then you haven t even rejected them because you haven t even met them.
1
SPEAKER_01
No, but it s true, right?
1
SPEAKER_01
Do whatever feels right to you.
1
SPEAKER_01
But it feels like you don t really want to go on this date.
1
SPEAKER_01
And so if you re only do it for him, I m saying if you re seeing it from their perspective, it might be even better to just be honest and not even go on the date.
1
SPEAKER_02
But it s not for him.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m not I m not going on the date for him.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m going on the date for me.
1
SPEAKER_02
OK, I feel that I also want to see that
1
SPEAKER_02
through and I want to give that person a fair shot and learn about him, too.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s just interesting being in this position, which is I think most people have been in this position in their life of like have dated multiple people.
1
SPEAKER_02
I just haven t done that.
1
SPEAKER_02
So it s it feels new.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I try not to zero in too much and especially after one date, because again, I wasn t there and you are, you know, the judge of your own life.
1
SPEAKER_01
But it s happened to me a few times where I ve gotten really excited about someone based on one day.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then, yeah, you know, you re still getting to know them.
1
SPEAKER_01
For sure.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m not saying, oh, my God, I feel like I found my husband or something.
1
SPEAKER_02
I don t think that I have no expectation other than
1
SPEAKER_02
I m excited to see him again.
1
SPEAKER_02
That s it.
1
SPEAKER_02
Do whatever you want, but you don t have to.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s too far in at this point.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s too far in.
1
SPEAKER_01
And it ll be great.
1
SPEAKER_01
I ll go.
1
SPEAKER_01
It ll be fun.
1
SPEAKER_01
You never know how things are going to evolve.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s happening to me a few times where I ve been like, OK, I m going to not go on this other date because I m really excited by this other person.
1
SPEAKER_01
But then it still happens.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then the way that things unfold is not the way that I sort of predicted.
1
SPEAKER_01
And those people have either, you know, either there was a stronger connection than I thought or the person who I thought was the real deal didn t turn out to be.
1
SPEAKER_01
And sometimes they can turn out to be great friends, you know, like it s just fun to meet people, I think, especially in 2023, where, like, it s just a little harder.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
The older you get, too.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yes, that too.
1
SPEAKER_01
So, yeah, just see it as like getting to hang out.
1
SPEAKER_01
I will.
1
SPEAKER_02
Sync d is supported by AG1.
1
SPEAKER_02
If you re a longtime listener, you might know we ve been drinking AG1 for almost six years.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
1
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
I ve been drinking for three or four at least.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s so good.
1
SPEAKER_02
I can t stop.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m hooked.
1
SPEAKER_02
I just feel healthier when I drink it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s such a complete way to get your nutrition.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, and I have friends who d always drink it on the plane, which I think is so smart to just because they have travel packs.
1
SPEAKER_02
You can just throw them in your bag.
1
SPEAKER_01
I love the travel packs.
1
SPEAKER_01
I know.
1
SPEAKER_02
They re really cute and they re slick and they re kind of sexy.
1
SPEAKER_02
AG1 is a foundational nutrition supplement that supports your body s universal needs.
1
SPEAKER_02
Gut optimization, stress management, immune support, all of it.
1
SPEAKER_02
And since 2010, AG1 has led the future of foundational nutrition, continuously refining their formula to create a smarter, better way to elevate
1
SPEAKER_02
your baseline health, AG1 is a supplement we trust to provide the support our body needs daily.
1
SPEAKER_02
And that s why they ve been a partner for so long.
1
SPEAKER_02
If you wanna take ownership of your health, it starts with AG1.
1
SPEAKER_02
Try AG1 and get a free one year supply of vitamin D3K2 and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase.
1
SPEAKER_02
Go to drinkag1.com slash synced.
1
SPEAKER_02
That s drinkag1.com slash synced.
1
SPEAKER_02
Check it out.
1
SPEAKER_02
So that s my, it is really funny though, because both of these people are going to be at the same event this weekend.
1
SPEAKER_02
What?
1
SPEAKER_02
Your two boyfriends are at the same bar?
1
SPEAKER_02
They re not my boyfriends.
1
SPEAKER_02
But these two people I m talking to are randomly going to be at the same event.
1
SPEAKER_01
How do you know?
1
SPEAKER_02
They told me about what their plans were for the weekend, and they re the same plan.
1
SPEAKER_01
Wait, that s really funny.
1
SPEAKER_01
Do you think they re friends?
1
SPEAKER_01
No, I don t.
1
SPEAKER_01
I mean, maybe.
1
SPEAKER_02
Who knows?
1
SPEAKER_02
You never know.
1
SPEAKER_01
That d be very simp.
1
SPEAKER_01
That d be amazing.
1
SPEAKER_01
Anyway, so that s my update.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s fun.
1
SPEAKER_01
I also went on a date.
1
SPEAKER_01
Share.
1
SPEAKER_01
There s a meme that s like your friends  boyfriends are like uncles and I feel that deeply because sometimes my friends  boyfriends want to set me up with people and it does feel like you re getting set up by your uncle.
1
SPEAKER_01
So Heather s boyfriend set me up with this guy and he flew all the way to LA to come to my party, which didn t happen.
1
SPEAKER_01
Because my roommate got RSV and then I got something that felt like RSV.
1
SPEAKER_01
And so then we ended up going for a hike instead once I was, you know, tested negative.
1
SPEAKER_01
And it was very, like, healthy.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s, like, very similar to your guy where it s just, like, very good person and very good heart and very, like, emotionally regulated.
1
SPEAKER_01
We love that.
1
SPEAKER_01
We need that.
1
SPEAKER_01
And actually, yeah, there is no game, which is my favorite thing.
1
SPEAKER_01
You know, like sometimes you can be on a date or just with a person and like you re like, oh, you re trying to like conjure or something like you re trying to create something.
1
SPEAKER_01
And sometimes it can be overt and cheesy and kind of.
1
SPEAKER_01
whatever, but sometimes it s not even that there s a bad intention, but you still feel like they re trying to present.
1
SPEAKER_00
It feels contrived.
1
SPEAKER_01
Contrived.
1
SPEAKER_01
And this just felt very two people hanging out.
1
SPEAKER_01
But he doesn t live here, of course.
1
SPEAKER_01
He has done a lot of work with mental health interventions and like kids.
1
SPEAKER_01
He has a master s in social work, which I was enrolled in a master s in social work.
1
SPEAKER_01
We have a lot of weird things in common.
1
SPEAKER_01
Great.
1
SPEAKER_01
Which is just fun.
1
SPEAKER_01
I love that.
1
SPEAKER_01
So you guys have been chatting?
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, texting.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
TBD.
1
SPEAKER_01
No, to be continued.
1
SPEAKER_01
TBC.
1
SPEAKER_01
But I m excited.
1
SPEAKER_01
I think it s just good to be out and about.
1
SPEAKER_01
And no matter what happens on this date tomorrow, it will only, I think, help even the other situation.
1
SPEAKER_01
Like, it just makes you kind of feel more casual about it.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s all great.
1
SPEAKER_02
OK, well, let s do some questions.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
OK.
1
SPEAKER_02
Advice on how to disclose STD to new sexual partners is from Anonymous.
1
SPEAKER_02
Dear Monica and Liz, I m writing to get your nonmedical advice on how you all would approach disclosing an STD STI to new sexual partners.
1
SPEAKER_02
Last year, I was diagnosed with HSV.
1
SPEAKER_02
But what is the, what s the, oh, RSV.
1
SPEAKER_02
I was like, what s the thing your roommate had?
1
SPEAKER_01
Remember when COVID was an STI?
1
SPEAKER_01
Anyway, it s like a flash in my head.
1
SPEAKER_01
Remember when it was like, yeah, there was a moment where you could get it.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then the CDC wrote this whole thing about you can get it through your butt.
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, the particles are like most prominent in your butt.
1
SPEAKER_00
They were talking about like testing.
1
SPEAKER_00
Wait, really?
1
SPEAKER_00
Rectally?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, rectal tests.
1
SPEAKER_00
I don t remember that.
1
SPEAKER_01
I just remember being like, we re so doomed.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh my God.
1
SPEAKER_02
I don t remember that.
1
SPEAKER_02
Remember when we also thought dogs could get it?
1
SPEAKER_02
I don t remember that.
1
SPEAKER_01
I remember like not petting dogs.
1
SPEAKER_02
And like a dog died.
1
SPEAKER_02
A woman who had COVID died and then the dog died.
1
SPEAKER_02
And they were like, oh, because the dog got COVID.
1
SPEAKER_00
I think it was just because like a monkey at a zoo got it.
1
SPEAKER_00
So they re like, animals can have it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Right.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, my God.
1
SPEAKER_02
Wow.
1
SPEAKER_02
OK.
1
SPEAKER_02
Sorry, Anonymous.
1
Sorry.
1
SPEAKER_02
Okay, last year I was diagnosed with HSV1 and 2 herpes and I ve been paralyzed by the fear of stigma ever since.
1
SPEAKER_02
It sounds dumb writing it because I ve always been and still am such an advocate for sexual health and I would never stigmatize an STD on someone else.
1
SPEAKER_02
But the minute I heard positive on my STD results, all the shame and fear of others disgust hit me like a tidal wave I can t seem to get out from under.
1
SPEAKER_02
Fear of rejection already plagues my love life, and now having to disclose something so vulnerable right off the bat feels insurmountable.
1
SPEAKER_02
Additionally, I hate that this looming disclosure conversation makes me feel like every sexual experience for the rest of my life has to be so serious.
1
SPEAKER_02
The advice, quote, if he really likes you, he won t care, makes it feel like sex has to be the super meaningful emotional thing now, which is a weird transition at 27.
1
SPEAKER_02
Anyway, I d love to hear how you would all approach this conversation.
1
SPEAKER_02
Consider it a group brainstorm.
1
SPEAKER_02
Roughly one in three people have HSV and no one s talking about it.
1
SPEAKER_02
So asking you guys feels like a fun way to normalize a scary topic.
1
SPEAKER_02
Thank you for writing this.
1
SPEAKER_02
That s really true that it s so common and no one talks about it.
1
SPEAKER_02
And I think we shall.
1
SPEAKER_02
Literally everyone has herpes.
1
SPEAKER_01
I feel like we re, no, like it s 80 percent.
1
SPEAKER_01
One in three.
1
SPEAKER_01
No, it s bigger.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s more than one in three.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s true.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s not literally everyone, but it s almost everybody.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
Because people don t realize like cold sores.
1
SPEAKER_01
There s so many ways that it exists and a lot of us had it as kids and stuff like that.
1
SPEAKER_01
And so we forget that we basically also have it.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s actually rare if you haven t been exposed to it basically.
1
SPEAKER_01
And so I feel like there s such a disconnect between the way that we like talk about it as this horrible thing you have to disclose as if like you have this weird anomaly when it s like.
1
SPEAKER_01
You just know that you have it.
1
SPEAKER_01
But maybe the person that you re talking to may even have it and not even know it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Right.
1
SPEAKER_01
So I feel for her.
1
SPEAKER_01
Like, you can t have sex in the same way that she probably did.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s a she, right?
1
SPEAKER_01
It s a woman.
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_01
Then anonymous did before.
1
SPEAKER_01
But well, what do you think?
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I think this sucks.
1
SPEAKER_02
Like, I really relate to feeling like, oh, fuck.
2
SPEAKER_02
sex comes with the conversation.
2
SPEAKER_02
And that was just, for me, just a virginity conversation, but it was so, it did feel so heavy and so big.
2
SPEAKER_02
And exactly that, like, oh, you can t just have like sex and not say any, like now you have to have this conversation before and you can t, it rules out some types of sex, which does suck.
2
SPEAKER_02
This is so tricky because every part of me wants to say, you don t have to tell people, but of course you do.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
Of course you do.
2
SPEAKER_02
If I had sex with someone and they had an STI and they didn t tell me, I would be so pissed.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I would probably not stay in any sort of relationship with that person or see them again.
2
SPEAKER_02
I do think it s your obligation, unfortunately, to
2
SPEAKER_02
disclose it.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I hate that because I don t want you to have that.
2
SPEAKER_02
But like, do people have cold sores disclosed?
2
SPEAKER_02
Like, but that s not sexually transmitted.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s not.
2
SPEAKER_02
There s people get.
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, HSV1 is cold sores.
2
SPEAKER_01
Right.
2
SPEAKER_01
But but like, I agree with you.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like, I do think secrets are just, you know, weigh you down and
2
SPEAKER_01
But I also think that, again, with particularly herpes, they also don t put it in STI panels because they don t want to freak out people and that there s a lot of false positives or positive negatives.
2
SPEAKER_01
So they don t even like if you go get an STD, like an overall test, it s not in there because the weight of having a false positive would outweigh the benefit of knowing your status, basically.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I think there was like a Slate article about this a couple of years ago.
2
SPEAKER_01
The whole sort of pressure on people to disclose when doctors don t include it in STD panels.
2
SPEAKER_01
So again, a lot of people have it but don t know it basically.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like basically, and this should be maybe helpful to the person, you re disclosing to a person that maybe doesn t even know whether they have it or not, right, or whether they ve been exposed or not.
2
SPEAKER_01
And you should, I think, enter that conversation being like, I know my stuff, right?
2
SPEAKER_01
It s not like here s an issue or a problem.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s like we re going to have sex.
2
SPEAKER_01
And yeah, this is my stuff.
2
SPEAKER_01
What s your stuff?
2
SPEAKER_01
Do you know what your stuff is?
2
SPEAKER_01
Totally.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I just think, yeah, a lot of us don t.
2
SPEAKER_01
I ve never had like a full rundown.
2
SPEAKER_01
You ve never?
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t think so.
2
SPEAKER_01
I mean, they check for like, you know, HIV and like, you know, the big ones.
2
SPEAKER_01
But I ve never had that full STD thing.
2
SPEAKER_02
Normally they... Do you do it every year?
2
SPEAKER_02
No, not every year.
2
SPEAKER_02
If I m getting a pap smear, often they ll ask, like, do you want STD panel?
2
SPEAKER_02
And I always say yes or STI panel.
2
SPEAKER_02
She s asking us to brainstorm.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I think that s a beautiful way of putting it and understanding that this is a little more complicated.
2
SPEAKER_02
Just like educate everyone basically on herpes before she gets sexual with them.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like, hey, this isn t contagious unless I have one right now.
2
SPEAKER_00
Or just run through statistics.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
Or she could ask them, like, do you know?
2
SPEAKER_01
And again, it s like coming from a position of power, like you re coming from a position of like, I have full information about my body.
2
SPEAKER_01
I have full information about this condition or whatever you want to call it.
2
SPEAKER_01
I feel like in general, people will match your vibe.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like it s not the words you use.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s the vibe.
2
SPEAKER_00
Right.
2
SPEAKER_01
And if you re not worried about it and you re like, it s not something that I think about all the time, like,
2
SPEAKER_01
there would be probably like nine other things I would change about my body before I would change this thing.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like, it s not a big deal to me, but I want to let you know.
2
SPEAKER_01
And do you have any questions?
2
SPEAKER_01
Like, I wouldn t like go on and on and on.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like, I would keep it short.
2
SPEAKER_01
And like, you re fine with it.
2
SPEAKER_01
And if they re not, again, it s so hard because you re limiting certain encounters or even people that you would want to just have maybe casual sex with or whatever.
2
SPEAKER_01
But it s that what s that called?
2
SPEAKER_01
It s like a barometer or like a barometer.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s a barometer.
2
SPEAKER_01
Sorry, it s a barometer.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, maybe you would want to have sex with this person, but if they can t take this on or you feel like they are not going to accept this part of you, whatever, even accept this part of you, like to me it s not, it s so not a big deal, but then you probably don t want that person in your life anyways.
2
SPEAKER_01
I hope the numbers help.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
Feel like I m it s not.
2
SPEAKER_01
I mean, we should just given the numbers, it shouldn t be like, yeah, it s not commensurate.
2
SPEAKER_01
The numbers and what it actually does, like a cold sore or a pimple or whatever, like it s not commensurate with the cultural weight, I guess, that it has.
2
SPEAKER_01
And so, yeah, I feel bad that anonymous has to operate within that reality.
2
SPEAKER_01
But she can choose not to take that the heaviness of it on.
2
SPEAKER_01
Right.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
To me, it s not a it s not a big deal.
2
SPEAKER_02
To some people, it is a big deal.
2
SPEAKER_02
And that s also OK.
2
SPEAKER_02
People get to decide their sexual preferences and what they re open to and what they re not open to.
2
SPEAKER_02
I don t think it makes you a bad person if you say, I m actually not interested in that.
2
SPEAKER_02
People have all kinds of backgrounds and reasons and whatever.
2
SPEAKER_02
But then that just one person you can t have sex with.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s probably you don t want to have sex with.
2
SPEAKER_02
Like if you don t want to have sex with someone who can t have sex with you.
2
SPEAKER_02
I mean, that s just blanket.
2
SPEAKER_01
But again, I don t know.
2
SPEAKER_01
Sure.
2
SPEAKER_01
I think this applies to anything right of being rejected.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s a universal experience.
2
SPEAKER_01
Right.
2
SPEAKER_01
And we all experience a version of it within the dating world.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s like, you know, for her, it s this thing.
2
SPEAKER_01
But for someone else, it s some other disease or some other
2
SPEAKER_01
mental health issue that they have.
2
SPEAKER_01
To me, like, everyone comes in with baggage.
2
SPEAKER_01
And the person that you re going to be interacting with, they have baggage, too.
2
SPEAKER_01
And it might look differently than yours, but everyone s coming in with something.
2
SPEAKER_01
And if the person can t handle your baggage, then it s better not to be with them.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I don t know.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t see it as rejection as much as just a redirection.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I think that s also important.
2
SPEAKER_01
Have you had sex with anyone, Rob, who you knew had a STI?
2
SPEAKER_01
No.
2
SPEAKER_01
Have you?
2
SPEAKER_01
I think even that question is irrelevant.
2
SPEAKER_01
If you are sexually active, you re exposing yourself, I think, to STDs.
2
SPEAKER_01
I view it as almost like a, what s the word, like something risk, like pregnancy is like something that, yeah, could happen as a result of sex, right?
2
SPEAKER_01
And if it happens, then, oh, that s not like the cost of admission, but a little bit.
2
SPEAKER_02
If you don t want to get pregnant, there are things you do to not get pregnant.
2
SPEAKER_02
If someone isn t wearing a condom and you wanted them to wear a condom so that you don t get pregnant and then they don t, that s not great.
2
SPEAKER_02
Like, you know, there are things that happen, of course, in sex and people get pregnant with doing all this stuff.
2
SPEAKER_02
But I think you can do it in ways that prevent the thing more or less.
2
SPEAKER_01
But that s not 100 percent.
2
SPEAKER_02
No, it s not 100 percent.
2
SPEAKER_01
Even again, cold sores.
2
SPEAKER_01
If someone has a cold sore and they go down on you like you re going to get it.
2
SPEAKER_01
And so am I not going to engage in any kind of sexual activity because the person might, you know, yeah, that s that s a decision you can make.
2
SPEAKER_01
But to me, it s it s.
2
SPEAKER_01
I think this whole like, they gave me this.
2
SPEAKER_01
And again, it s jokes we hear in movies and TV and stuff like that.
2
SPEAKER_01
But I think it s the wrong way to approach it.
2
SPEAKER_01
And again, it doesn t mean that it doesn t feel I m not invalidating the feelings of even the maybe anonymous has of how they got it or whatever.
2
SPEAKER_01
But I feel like we need to reframe the conversation on STDs.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I think even with HIV in the last, I think even five years, with some of the medication that s available for people to manage it, it s become far less of a scarlet letter or whatever you want to call it.
2
SPEAKER_01
And it s more just a reality.
2
SPEAKER_01
To me, it s just a reality.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like it s not if you do all the right things, you re going to avoid getting an STD.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t think that s at all how it works.
2
SPEAKER_01
I think.
2
SPEAKER_01
good people, bad people get STDs, good people get STDs or they get them the good or wrong way.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like, right.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like, I think it just like it happens, you know, the more we talk about it as as not as emotionally charged as it is, like an STD is just, OK, it s something you can get.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then in most cases, something you can treat and still have an amazing, thriving love life regardless of it.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s my view on it.
2
SPEAKER_01
One hundred percent.
2
SPEAKER_01
You know, I m in my 30s and I ve been in multiple relationships and I ve dated.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I m sure I ve had sex with someone who has STD.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like, it would be rare.
2
SPEAKER_01
It would be exceptional if I had never.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I don t think it s that much of a big deal.
2
SPEAKER_02
We are supported by quints.
2
SPEAKER_02
I love luxury.
2
SPEAKER_02
I do.
2
SPEAKER_02
I love high end luxury goods.
2
SPEAKER_02
And so that is why when you can find that for a little bit less and the quality is the same, it s like a life hack.
2
SPEAKER_02
It is.
2
SPEAKER_02
They have 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters starting at $50.
2
SPEAKER_02
That is such a good deal.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
This is a great present.
2
SPEAKER_02
It is.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_01
Quince basically creates timeless classics that never go out of style and that you ll have in your closet forever.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s again, it s those investment pieces that ll just make your entire wardrobe so much better.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, it s awesome.
2
SPEAKER_02
I have a coat, a jacket, a leather jacket with this like
2
SPEAKER_01
Little hood.
2
SPEAKER_01
Cute hood.
2
SPEAKER_01
And it s really good for this time of year.
2
SPEAKER_01
I like the home good stuff.
2
SPEAKER_01
I got the duvet cover and it s very, again, high lux, but people don t know.
2
SPEAKER_01
It was actually really affordable.
2
SPEAKER_01
Get affordable luxury with Quince.
2
SPEAKER_01
Go to quince.com slash sync for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s cute.
3
SPEAKER_01
W-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash CYNC to get free shipping and 365 day returns.
3
SPEAKER_01
Quince dot com slash CYNC.
3
SPEAKER_03
Okay, great, let s move on.
3
SPEAKER_03
How do I tell the men in my daughter s life to stop making comments about her body?
3
SPEAKER_03
This is from Megan.
3
SPEAKER_03
My eight-year-old daughter has a slender figure.
3
SPEAKER_03
Even as I write this, I don t know how to say it right, but she s skinny.
3
SPEAKER_03
She s eight, but still wears a size six.
3
SPEAKER_03
She s very active and has a healthy relationship with food.
3
SPEAKER_03
I want her to continue this journey.
3
SPEAKER_03
The problem I m having is my dad, father-in-law, and brother-in-law keep making comments about how skinny she is and quote, she needs to eat more or a cheeseburger.
3
SPEAKER_03
They do not mean any harm, but as someone who struggled with my body image my entire life, I know these words have lasting effects.
3
SPEAKER_03
I just don t know how to tell these important men in my life, whom I respect, and they do not get it, if you know what I mean, how to not say these things about an eight-year-old girl.
3
SPEAKER_03
I m just looking for the right language to use to help my daughter.
3
SPEAKER_03
Love you, ladies, and happy member of the Sync Squad.
3
SPEAKER_03
I think always a good way of communication is leading with your own vulnerability because people can t shut that down as quickly.
3
SPEAKER_03
I think if you say, look, I struggle a ton with my body image.
3
SPEAKER_03
And so I m trying to build an environment in this house that doesn t do that.
3
SPEAKER_03
It might sound innocuous to you, but any comments about anyone s body, I want to take them off the table.
3
SPEAKER_03
just because of my own experience.
3
SPEAKER_03
And I don t think anyone can really fight you on that.
3
SPEAKER_03
I mean, if they they might eye roll and be annoyed, but that s OK.
3
SPEAKER_03
If they are, you can still set the rules of your own house and your family.
3
SPEAKER_00
I had to have that conversation with some of my family.
3
SPEAKER_00
You did?
3
SPEAKER_00
Last time I went to Chicago.
3
SPEAKER_03
What happened?
3
SPEAKER_00
There were a few comments from people in my family about calling someone fat.
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh, God.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I had to tell them away from the kids later, like, hey, we don t say that word around our kids.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I don t think it s good for all the other grandkids to hear that.
3
SPEAKER_00
Maybe be a little more aware.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
They took it.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t know if if it resonated and continued, but it was like around Calvin and Vincent.
3
SPEAKER_00
They don t use that word.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, that s great.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, that is great.
3
SPEAKER_03
And I do think it doesn t really matter if they get it or understand as long as they abide by that rule that is protective of your kid.
3
SPEAKER_03
Great.
3
SPEAKER_03
That s all you can do.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, I m glad you did that.
3
SPEAKER_01
I think particularly for girls, right?
3
SPEAKER_01
You know, Megan saying this is coming from sort of the men in the family.
3
SPEAKER_01
And again, I don t think it s because these men are, you know, doing something with nefarious intentions or whatnot.
3
SPEAKER_01
But I think that we live in a patriarchal society where women and girls, their bodies are given an outsized importance and value, and they re going to get
3
SPEAKER_01
so many messages throughout their lives about their body not being the way that society expects it to be or how to fix it or how to change it.
3
SPEAKER_01
Men don t necessarily grow up with that firsthand experience, I guess.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so I think it s good to explain it.
3
SPEAKER_01
I know I remember, like, every single thing someone said about my body.
3
SPEAKER_01
From the time I can remember, like, I remember everything, even if they were, like, offhand comments.
3
SPEAKER_01
So, yeah, I think it s totally fair game to bring it up and to set rules.
3
SPEAKER_03
I think you do have to let go a little bit of hoping they understand, because you don t have control of whether they understand.
3
SPEAKER_03
You only have control of your rules and your boundaries.
3
SPEAKER_03
The fat thing is so interesting because it s so generational.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it s everywhere, like even in books, like I ve been reading to Calvin and I just skip that or change the word, but the Caterpillar book talks about the fat caterpillar and he doesn t need that adjective yet.
3
SPEAKER_02
Exactly.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it s interesting.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
Okey doke.
3
SPEAKER_02
Let s see.
3
SPEAKER_02
I want more of a fun one.
3
SPEAKER_00
My husband doesn t trust me, but I didn t do anything to break it.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
I hate my engagement ring.
3
SPEAKER_03
That s kind of fun.
3
SPEAKER_03
That s silly.
3
SPEAKER_03
And I think we need something like that.
3
SPEAKER_03
OK.
3
SPEAKER_03
I hate my engagement ring.
3
SPEAKER_03
This is from Elizabeth, not you, that I know of.
3
SPEAKER_03
Hi, Monica and Liz.
3
SPEAKER_03
Recently, I became engaged to the love of my life.
3
SPEAKER_03
For the past year, it has felt like this is the natural next step in our relationship.
3
SPEAKER_03
So leading up, I casually dropped some ring hints.
3
SPEAKER_03
For example, I told him that I wear gold, wear a four and a half, showed him some examples on Pinterest.
3
SPEAKER_03
I even went as far as creating a shared album on Pinterest called Rings that I shared with my best friends that I thought he d go to for ring advice.
3
SPEAKER_03
This is great.
3
SPEAKER_03
About a month before it happened, I was drunk with one of those friends and she dropped that I was not going.
3
SPEAKER_03
that I was not going to love my ring and that she had done her best to convince my fiance to trade it in for another one that is more me.
3
SPEAKER_03
Naturally, that gave me a lot of anxiety.
3
SPEAKER_03
But I thought, well, it can t be that bad.
3
SPEAKER_03
Well, the day came and unfortunately it was that bad, as shallow as it sounds and as happy as I was to finally be engaged.
3
SPEAKER_03
I cannot lie.
3
SPEAKER_03
My first initial reaction inside when I saw the ring was horror.
3
SPEAKER_03
It was a silver heart.
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh, no, I do.
3
SPEAKER_03
I don t wear silver and I don t wear hearts.
3
SPEAKER_03
I like to think that I have a classic style and I love vintage jewelry.
3
SPEAKER_03
To make it worse, upon telling my best friends, the other two that he went to for advice immediately told me that they had done their very best to get him to get me another ring.
3
SPEAKER_03
So instead of feeling bliss, I felt embarrassed.
3
SPEAKER_03
Not only did I not like my ring, neither did my very best friends.
3
SPEAKER_03
Maybe someone else would love this ring, but it is just so far from my style and it s not even funny.
3
SPEAKER_03
instead of feeling so happy and excited to tell people.
3
SPEAKER_03
Now I feel embarrassed because people inevitably want to look at the ring.
3
SPEAKER_03
He told me that it didn t have to be my forever ring.
3
SPEAKER_03
And I did express to him in the nicest way that this ring is not my style.
3
SPEAKER_03
I quoted Taylor Swift and told him I d marry him with a paper ring.
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh, my plan was to ask if we could use the stones in a new set when we went to shop for the wedding bands.
3
SPEAKER_03
But the other day he dropped some more news on me.
3
SPEAKER_03
He already has my wedding band and I won t see it until our wedding day.
3
SPEAKER_03
I told him that I thought this was something we were supposed to pick out together and he simply said no.
3
SPEAKER_03
And to make it worse, I am starting to resent the fact that he got me a ring that I was so clearly not going to like.
3
SPEAKER_03
He was told so by multiple people and it is so obviously not like anything I showed him I like.
3
SPEAKER_03
I don t know what to do and I feel shallow.
3
SPEAKER_03
Is this something that I just get over or is there still a way I can get my dream ring?
3
SPEAKER_03
Boy, I asked for kind of a silly-ish question.
3
SPEAKER_03
Not that this is silly, but like a little bit light.
3
SPEAKER_03
And I think this is kind of heavy, actually.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
Because, fuck.
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh, God.
3
SPEAKER_03
The resentment piece feels like a lot already going in.
3
SPEAKER_03
And I would feel the same way.
3
SPEAKER_03
Like, wait, so many people who know me well told you this is a bad idea.
3
SPEAKER_03
Why did you do that?
3
SPEAKER_01
Mm-hmm.
3
SPEAKER_03
That would be hard for me.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
Because maybe he loved it so much, but...
3
SPEAKER_01
Why?
3
SPEAKER_01
But also it s for you, right?
3
SPEAKER_01
So it shouldn t really be about what he likes.
3
SPEAKER_01
I would kind of inquire around that.
3
SPEAKER_03
Is it like telling people they have bad breath?
3
SPEAKER_03
Like, is it like so hurtful to bring up that they fucked this up?
3
SPEAKER_03
Because it s the biggest fucking thing.
3
SPEAKER_03
It feels like a lot of people are in this position where they get their ring and they re like, oh, great.
3
SPEAKER_03
They don t love it.
3
SPEAKER_03
And then you re just stuck with it and you have to wear it every day.
3
SPEAKER_01
That s why I was always under the impression that you kind of choose it.
3
SPEAKER_01
Together.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
I feel like that would be important to me because also I think guys, I ve never been given a wedding ring, but I feel like I ve received jewelry from men that I m like what men think women like for jewelry is very different from what women actually like for jewelry.
3
SPEAKER_01
And it s usually silver.
3
SPEAKER_01
I know.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I m like, I m sorry if you like silver jewelry.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
Also great.
3
SPEAKER_01
Everyone like what they like.
3
SPEAKER_01
Sure, but it s always silver.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s always almost like for a child, like a little girl.
3
SPEAKER_01
Like again, the silver heart thing to me is very, women also have a parody vision of what men like, boy things that they like.
3
SPEAKER_01
Right.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I just think it s okay to not entrust them with the responsibility of like, I know.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
I think they have an image of the commercial for Kay Jewelers.
3
SPEAKER_01
Exactly.
3
SPEAKER_03
From, like, 2001.
3
SPEAKER_03
From, like, 1994.
3
SPEAKER_03
And that s what they go for when they walk in the store, because that s the image.
3
SPEAKER_03
Kate Jewelers has done an amazing job marketing.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, God.
3
SPEAKER_01
I think men should ask if they have to get a jewelry for a woman, no matter what it s for, they should inquire around.
3
SPEAKER_01
They should get the opinion of her female friends.
3
SPEAKER_01
And listen to it.
3
SPEAKER_03
I mean, look, because most people
3
SPEAKER_03
go in with a strategy unless it s completely out of the blue.
3
SPEAKER_03
If you know you re heading towards marriage, you normally have some sort of conversation.
3
SPEAKER_03
Like maybe we go ring shopping and I pick out some ones that I like and then you pick from that or then you at least know my style.
3
SPEAKER_03
But she kind of did that with these Pinterest boards and stuff.
3
SPEAKER_03
And it sounds like he just fully ignored it.
3
SPEAKER_03
I would be angrier.
3
SPEAKER_03
I would be angry about that part.
3
SPEAKER_03
Why do you ignore it?
3
SPEAKER_03
Maybe he wants
4
SPEAKER_01
wanted.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m like trying to give him benefit of the doubt that he wanted agency and also to him.
4
SPEAKER_01
OK, there s also this train of thinking that I don t want to know anything.
4
SPEAKER_01
I know some friends who are like, I don t want to know anything.
4
SPEAKER_01
I want it to be a surprise.
4
SPEAKER_01
I want them to pick it out because I want it to come from their heart, basically.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s like they see a ring and it makes them think of me and I want that.
4
SPEAKER_01
And in that case, I m sorry.
4
SPEAKER_01
If you ve done that, if you ve declared that, you better be happy with what you get and you can t be upset.
4
SPEAKER_01
That s true.
4
SPEAKER_01
But that is not what this person.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I don t think you can go through the marriage without without having some sort of conversation about how do you bring it up?
4
SPEAKER_01
Did he ever ask you if you liked it?
4
SPEAKER_01
Could that be a moment of... Well, it would have been in the moment, right?
4
SPEAKER_01
It sounds kind of like she sort of mentioned it.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I think it s more about bringing up, why didn t you listen to any of my friends?
4
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
4
SPEAKER_01
But then that seems really heavy.
4
SPEAKER_01
I think maybe in your head, you have to weigh
4
SPEAKER_01
Is it worth having the conversation or do you care that much?
4
SPEAKER_01
And are you fine with just wearing that ring for the rest of your life?
4
SPEAKER_00
She can probably have that conversation without bringing that into it.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m just like, this is important to me that my wedding ring looks this way and not tie it to the listening thing, because he s going to take that personally.
4
SPEAKER_01
That s what I m saying.
4
SPEAKER_01
That s a big conversation.
4
SPEAKER_01
But that s what s at the root of this.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, but piling it on when he s already going to feel insecure about picking an ugly ring and thinking he s got bad taste and like pulled an audible and decided on his own that he thinks this looks great.
4
SPEAKER_02
I think that s so true, Rob.
4
SPEAKER_02
I would bring up the listening thing if it s a pattern in the relationship.
4
SPEAKER_02
Again, I think some people give gifts.
4
SPEAKER_02
I had an issue in my family with a family member I won t name because it s fine.
4
SPEAKER_02
Where this person would give me gifts that I would specifically after getting a gift that is so not me So not the vibe and also like almost seems to give them anxiety about what the gift is gonna be and it s not even something that I enjoy I started giving like a list.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, and then they ignored the list Oh gave me something that they would want me to like and there s something deeper there
4
SPEAKER_00
Right.
4
SPEAKER_02
So if she is sensing that this is a deeper pattern, I would unfortunately somehow lump it into the whole conversation, even though it s going to make him defensive.
4
SPEAKER_02
But if it s an anomaly and usually this is not an issue, then, yeah, just talk about the ring.
4
SPEAKER_01
That s fair.
4
SPEAKER_01
But also she has said in this, I m starting to resent it.
4
SPEAKER_01
Of course.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s I mean, it s on your hand for the rest of
4
SPEAKER_01
And there is an element of if you re walking around, if you re embarrassed already, that s not great.
4
SPEAKER_01
And you re going to try not to wear it on days and then he ll be like, why aren t you wearing your ring?
4
SPEAKER_01
And you re going to have to be like, oh, I forgot.
4
SPEAKER_01
And so then there s lies.
4
SPEAKER_02
He s going to read into that and think about him.
4
SPEAKER_02
And on days where you are frustrated with your marriage, which it s going to come, like now is the good part where everything is
4
SPEAKER_02
kind of easy and light or easier and liked her.
4
SPEAKER_02
And so like when things get tough, then you re going to look down at that ring and be so mad at it.
4
SPEAKER_01
Exactly.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
Minimally, I think you have to say, I love you so much.
4
SPEAKER_01
This ring really is just not my style.
4
SPEAKER_01
And is there any way we can together go pick out another one?
4
SPEAKER_01
Yes, I like that.
4
SPEAKER_01
Like, let s let s both
4
SPEAKER_01
But then why do you say no when she said we re supposed to pick out the wedding bands?
4
SPEAKER_01
And by the way, she s right.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, you do pick out the wedding bands together.
4
SPEAKER_01
And so he s already gone ahead and done that after he made this.
4
SPEAKER_01
He s like double and tripling down on his bad jewelry decisions.
4
SPEAKER_00
Like another upside down art that locks into.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, actually, it might.
4
SPEAKER_01
Sometimes bands do go with the engagement ring and maybe he did do that.
4
SPEAKER_01
No, she has to tell him.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, it s a combo.
4
SPEAKER_01
You probably have to be more direct because I think it d be easy to try to be a little passive aggressive about it.
4
SPEAKER_01
And that s just not working with him.
4
SPEAKER_01
He s ignored every single person.
4
SPEAKER_01
And so it has to be you.
4
SPEAKER_01
And buffer it.
4
SPEAKER_01
Buffer the ego.
4
SPEAKER_01
I love you so much.
4
SPEAKER_01
As I said, it s not about the ring.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m married with a paper ring.
4
SPEAKER_01
But this is something I have to wear every day for the rest of my life.
4
SPEAKER_01
So it does have to be my style.
4
SPEAKER_02
I want to love it.
4
SPEAKER_02
And even I would start with like a joke of like, is there a moment where, again, whatever you would pick out for him that he wouldn t like?
4
SPEAKER_02
Like, is there an example you can point to like a funny moment?
4
SPEAKER_02
Right.
4
SPEAKER_02
Like, obviously, you wouldn t want me to pick.
4
SPEAKER_02
I don t know what you eat for dinner.
4
SPEAKER_02
A sweater.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, like that ugly sweater I got you for Christmas.
4
SPEAKER_02
Like, you know, just being like, I would love for us to choose something together that I m going to love every time I look at it.
4
SPEAKER_01
I think that s good wording.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I would say the listening thing for lower stakes gift, though.
4
SPEAKER_01
Well, the listening thing maybe shouldn t be about gifts.
4
SPEAKER_01
It should be like, I ve noticed a thing and I want to talk about it because I feel like it s a pattern and I want us to discuss it.
4
SPEAKER_01
That doesn t need to be tied to anything, actually.
4
SPEAKER_01
If you really start recognizing this is an ongoing issue.
4
SPEAKER_01
Actually, I would say don t do it right after there s like something to point to.
4
SPEAKER_01
You can be like, I ve been thinking about something.
4
SPEAKER_01
I want to talk more about it.
4
SPEAKER_01
Or maybe you just go to couples therapy and then you bring it up there.
4
SPEAKER_01
That, too.
4
SPEAKER_01
That person will help.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
Not bringing it up.
4
SPEAKER_02
Also, you re assigning intention to his actions that might actually be totally not the case.
4
SPEAKER_02
Right.
4
SPEAKER_02
And so I think the fact that he didn t listen to your friends, the fact that he didn t do all these things, you could read into it as like, he doesn t care about me and he doesn t care about my friends.
4
SPEAKER_02
But maybe there s actually, again, a reason.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
So to have a conversation so that you can learn more and actually be proven wrong.
4
SPEAKER_02
Right.
4
SPEAKER_02
About the things that you re assuming.
4
SPEAKER_02
Hopefully that s also like a great outcome.
4
SPEAKER_01
I mean, I m going to put out there if there are any men listening and you show the ring to friends and many first of all, then why did he even show them to the friends?
4
SPEAKER_01
He obviously showed them to the friends to get some sort of approval or disapproval.
4
SPEAKER_01
And then multiple people tried to convince him to not do it.
4
SPEAKER_01
And then he did it.
4
SPEAKER_01
I just listen to the friends, guys.
4
SPEAKER_01
Really, if you they know about everything, they know about everything.
4
SPEAKER_01
And women talk to other women about what they like, especially if they re in a relationship and they think a ring is on the horizon.
4
SPEAKER_01
They talk about it.
4
SPEAKER_01
So listen.
4
SPEAKER_01
Listen.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh my God.
4
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
4
SPEAKER_01
That s good advice.
4
SPEAKER_01
Wowie wow.
4
SPEAKER_01
I think that s it.
4
SPEAKER_01
We should buy each other jewelry.
4
SPEAKER_01
That s a good idea.
4
SPEAKER_01
And see if we get it right.
4
SPEAKER_01
Are we allowed to be honest?
4
SPEAKER_01
No, is this a bad idea?
4
SPEAKER_01
Well, I think you ll do great.
4
SPEAKER_01
So I don t that s why I think you ll do great, too.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
OK, we have a lot.
4
SPEAKER_01
We were supposed to and we still will target.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, we re supposed to target.
4
SPEAKER_01
But also we have to build a holiday tradition.
4
SPEAKER_01
We do.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
OK, this week.
4
SPEAKER_01
OK, we really do.
4
SPEAKER_01
OK, so this week we have to do our holiday tradition and then we have to buy each other jewelry and see if we like.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s not the same because we ve been shopping like we know what each.
4
SPEAKER_01
Also, he s probably been shopping with his betrothed.
4
SPEAKER_01
Anyway, we re going to buy each other jewelry and see what happens.
4
SPEAKER_02
We should go to Target and pick out three things and then be like, did I choose it right?
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh, that s OK.
4
SPEAKER_02
That s great.
4
SPEAKER_01
Maybe that could be our holiday tradition.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yes, we can combine.
4
SPEAKER_01
Actually, this is a good idea because have you heard of, my friend used to do this with her boyfriend.
4
SPEAKER_01
It was such a cute holiday tradition and it was a gift mash, right?
4
SPEAKER_01
Where they would pick out something they want, something they need, something to wear and something to read.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, wow.
4
SPEAKER_01
So you pick out four things.
4
SPEAKER_01
So I think we should go to Target.
4
SPEAKER_01
Okay, that s a good idea.
4
SPEAKER_01
And then count of three, we run around the store and we get the four items for each other.
4
SPEAKER_01
Okay, perfect.
4
SPEAKER_01
And then we can reveal them next week.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, I d like that.
4
SPEAKER_00
Should we do that?
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, we should do that.
4
SPEAKER_01
Great, so we ll go to Target this week.
4
SPEAKER_01
Or we ll pick a store and go do that.
4
SPEAKER_01
Okay, fun.
4
SPEAKER_01
Stay tuned for our holiday gift reveal in November.
4
SPEAKER_01
Okay, that s it.
4
SPEAKER_01
That s it.
4
SPEAKER_01
I think we really did it.
4
SPEAKER_01
I hope you know the only reason I want you to Distance yourself is because I don t want you to be so Burdened and feel so heavy because you have a lot going on you have a fun thing coming up tomorrow That s really exciting.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, and you should be really proud of that thing.
4
SPEAKER_01
And so I want you to be able to feel that Yes, you re right.
4
SPEAKER_02
I appreciate that and I need to it s not even compartmentalize.
4
SPEAKER_02
It s being able to I don t even know
4
SPEAKER_01
I want you to be able to enjoy things as well as holding the pain that is happening, because I think both can exist.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yes, that s true.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I hope, I just want you to feel good.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, thanks.
4
SPEAKER_01
I appreciate you.
4
SPEAKER_01
Alright, well, we ll see you next week.
4
SPEAKER_01
Okay, bye.