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My name is Lee Hawkins.
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I ve been a journalist for over 25 years.
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On my new podcast, What Happened in Alabama, I get answers to some of the hardest questions about how things came to be for many black Americans and the truth that must come before any reconciliation can happen.
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I investigate my family history, my upbringing in Minnesota, and my father s painful nightmares about growing up in Alabama.
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What Happened in Alabama is a new series confronting the cycles of trauma for myself, my family, and for many Black Americans.
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Listen now.
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Hey, Beckys and Danas and everybody else listening.
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I just wanted to say that July 25th, the day before this episode aired, was the anniversary of my cancer diagnosis.
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My diagnosis date, July 25th, 2012, is oddly one of the most positive days of my life because I got a second chance.
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I just want to really remind all of my listeners how important it is to get checked out.
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And I know you hear it all the time.
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You see commercials, you hear from people that they ve gone and gotten mammograms or
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maybe even know of people that have been diagnosed, and then you might still think, I m sure I m fine.
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I thought that.
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I thought I was fine.
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Most people think they re fine.
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I truly thought there s no world where I would ever have cancer.
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and I had cancer.
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And you might be listening right now and hopefully not, but you might be listening right now and you might have cancer.
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You need to get checked.
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You need to catch it in time.
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I have had numerous friends, strangers, people telling me all the time that they re being diagnosed.
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Please, please get yourself checked out.
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And even beyond a cancer screening, get a physical.
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I just had a physical and things pop up, things happen, and you just want to catch it in time.
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Press pause, make an appointment, make a note to make an appointment, and really, really follow through with it.
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I hope that you encourage friends and family.
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I hope that you re well.
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I just wanted to put that out there.
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And on an unrelated note, please feel free to come see me live and in person.
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I ll be in Bellingham, Washington, September 8th, Olympia, Washington, September 9th.
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Torrington, Connecticut, September 15th.
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Rochester, New York, September 16th.
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Wilmington, Delaware, September 17th.
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Colorado Springs, September 25th.
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Breckenridge, Colorado, September 28th.
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Boulder, Colorado, September 29th, and November 4th in Brooklyn at King s Theater for my next stand-up special taping.
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Get your tickets now.
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There s an early and late show.
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And then I m off on my European tour in October.
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Check my website for all European and U.S.
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dates at TigNotaro.com.
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See you on the road.
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And lastly, please note that this episode was recorded before the Screen Actors Guild strike.
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Enjoy the show.
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Let me tell you, you want to be in cheerio crowds, people that say cheerio, whoops-a-daisy is a good group to be with.
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You want to stay away from people that answer the phone, go.
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That s what I ve noticed.
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Well, there s also the people on social media that will post something and then they ll just say go.
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Hilarious.
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Like everybody s just waiting to let loose and give their opinion.
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That s like when a kid calls their parent, you can pick me up now.
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It s like, oh, I can?
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Oh.
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Thank you!
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Like, come on, guys.
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Like, you re welcome for this tweet?
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Come on.
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Come on.
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That s all I got.
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Come on.
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This is Don t Ask Tig.
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I m Tig Notaro here to find out if two podcasting stand-up comedians with semi-autobiographical TV shows are better than one at giving advice.
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I m joined today by the actor, writer, and comedian behind the critically acclaimed HBO comedy, Crashing.
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He has two HBO stand-up specials, hosts the You Made It Weird podcast, wrote the book, Comedy Sex God, and hosted the Pete Holmes Show on TBS.
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Pete Holmes, welcome to Don t Ask Tig.
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Thanks, Tig.
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You re welcome.
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Whenever I do someone else s podcast and I do like a nice intro like that, I m like, why don t I do that?
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It makes people feel so immediately disarmed and welcome.
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And I m just like, so did you have a good poop this morning?
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Like just jumping right into nonsense.
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So thank you.
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I m lowering the quality of your show and I m aware of it.
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I just want to, I m going to step up my game.
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I ve listened to the program and it s a classy show.
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No, this is not a classy show.
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This format has been done a million times.
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As has mine.
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And it s being done a million times right now.
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Why do you think people are giving out advice on podcasts?
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With podcasts, you want it to be almost no effort.
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You know, when you re asking somebody to do a podcast, you just want to be like, all you have to do is show up.
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And something that people can do sort of indefinitely is give advice and just like how everyone thinks they re a good driver.
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Everyone thinks they re very good at living, even if you re like covered in Hornets and just like, you know, you re just like, I know what you should do.
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So it s one of those things that everybody loves to do.
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So it s a good idea for a podcast.
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Do you feel like you re good at living?
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Tig Notaro, I just want to answer with honesty first and humility a distant second and say that I am.
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I feel, I really think,
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Do you ever feel like you re parenting yourself?
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There s like this witnessing presence that s watching your life and giving little advice to yourself.
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And where I am, the altitude that I ve arrived at in my own personal life, Val and I were talking, we could make each other cry.
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It s like my relationship is really on point.
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It s somebody that I feel safe with.
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I ve been quoting this endlessly, but James Finley just did my podcast.
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He s a gorgeous man.
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And he s like, we all go around with masks.
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And someone says, take off your mask, like you re in a relationship.
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And they go, take off your mask, take off their mask.
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And then they re terrified of you and they run away because it s just overbearing.
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And that was your worst nightmare.
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And he goes, a true partner says, don t take off your mask.
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I know you re wearing a mask.
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In fact, I ll straighten your mask for you and make it more comfortable and adjust it for you because you re safe here.
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And then eventually, without any efforting, the mask becomes transparent.
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Isn t that beautiful?
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And I feel like that s happened with Val.
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She s just my person.
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And I think that s a huge key to life, is finding a safe and silly and smart and challenging.
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Challenging meaning she helps me grow.
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And then I have a spiritually fulfilling life.
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That s a big part of my life.
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I have a creatively fulfilling life.
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I m really pleased with my life, and a lot of it took therapy and effort and trust.
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Now that I m 44, I m like, holy shit, we re at a very stable altitude, and I m a happy boy.
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That s amazing.
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It really is.
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People do always connect stand-up with broken, damaged people.
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I don t believe that it has to be that way at all.
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I think that it s some weird thing that
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artists or comedians tell themselves that they have to have this horrible life and struggle and they have to be broken in all these different ways to be creative.
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And I just, I just don t agree with that.
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I think it can birth creativeness and you have material, but there s also ways of just living your life that can create material.
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Even just having, I always say I live in a house
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with a writer s room with my wife and two kids.
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And, you know, my father-in-law used to live here and we have three cats.
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And I m not an alcoholic wreck living a crazy double life.
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You can find material and you can be a comedian and artist without being destructive.
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I agree.
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You don t have to sit at your typewriter and bleed.
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I forget who said that, but I like writing.
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I write things that I like.
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make no mistake, you can set this up, like I ve set my life up to be as nice as possible.
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Life will still challenge you, hurt you, and break you.
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Yeah.
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Now, Petey Pants, you re currently touring, right?
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I am, yeah.
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On the Where Were We Tour?
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It s called the Where Were We Tour because it got interrupted.
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So I thought that was funny.
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I don t think a single person has gotten that.
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Um, but you know, I m not here to name tours.
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I m here to do stand-up comedy.
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You know what I mean?
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Well, I named my tour Hello Again, which was the same thing.
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Same thing!
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Like, yeah, it s the same idea.
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Well, I was literally in Cleveland.
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when the whole thing happened, the whole lockdown.
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And then, you know, I m going to Cleveland in a couple weeks.
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Like, it s taken this long to, like, get back to it, but I m touring it, and I m doing something that maybe you ll think is interesting.
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I m actually filming it, but then I m gonna keep touring it until the special drops in October.
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I m looking forward to the feeling of, it s filmed.
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It s done.
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Like, this hour is done.
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I ve worked harder on it.
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Again, I think the 40s are like a nice,
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maturation of your comedy chops.
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And I m like, this is it.
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This is my best hour.
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I m going to film it.
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And then I m going to keep touring it while I try and rotate a new material for the next one.
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You ve said that podcasting is your preferred medium.
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Is that true?
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You prefer that over stand-up?
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That s interesting.
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I m sure I ve felt that way at times.
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And look, going to our studio, sitting down with a friend with almost no preparation and just riffing,
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is an awesome way to make a living and have fun.
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And there s no flying.
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And there s so much less pressure.
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But Val and I have really noticed that I did a show.
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Finally, I was coming back onto where the first show I did back was in Austin.
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And I did the show.
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And it was a hell of a way to come back, because it was a big theater, bigger than I normally play.
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It was over 1,000 people.
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And I did the show.
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And then the next day, I was walking around.
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And I was so happy.
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I was this kind of happy I hadn t felt in a long time.
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And this sounds so basic, but it felt like a major revelation.
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And it has shaped my life, is I went, you don t want to do nothing.
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you think you do.
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You want to do nothing after you did something frightening.
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That s the best nothing.
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It s the great secret of life.
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And you see this in
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how personal development, you see this in physical development, it s all like put in and get out, put in and get out.
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But we re always trying to hack the system.
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That s what alcohol is, that s what drugs is.
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It s like, what if I just have the feeling?
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And I m not railing against those things, but just get curious about like, what are we doing?
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Like, I just want the feeling of chocolate, you know?
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But you can take it too far.
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Yes, you can definitely take chocolate too far.
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I ve done that many times.
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The chocolate way too far.
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I ll eat the whole... I can t have stuff like that in my house.
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That s another way I ve learned myself.
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I m like, you can t have Oreos.
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You ll eat two bunny ears Easter morning.
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You don t care.
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That s too far.
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Both of those are gone.
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Too far.
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Too far.
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You ve gone too far.
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So do you feel like you re good at giving advice if we transition now into the advice?
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You seem like you d be a solid advice giver.
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I like giving advice because I like getting advice.
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I want people to give me advice and I like giving the advice usually that someone else has given me.
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So yes, I m game.
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All right, our first question is a D&D dilemma.
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Okay, Gary writes, Dear Tig, I have been playing Dungeons & Dragons for most of my life, over 40 years.
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It used to be something people were ashamed to talk about, but now, thanks to shows like Stranger Things,
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Old gamers like me have come out of hiding.
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The only problem is my new boss recently found out about my hobby and has asked to join my weekly game.
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He is a truly awful person with some toxic behaviors, and I don t want to spend one minute with him outside of work, especially during my favorite time with friends.
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How can I get out of inviting him without placing myself atop his next layoff list?
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Wow, that s a good one.
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Are you a D&D player?
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I m not a D&D player, but I hope this person is the dungeon master, because that s quite a scenario that they ve spun.
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I don t know why I missed the boat, because the idea of sitting around in a basement at a card table pretending we re wizards and stuff sounds really cool to me.
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And I m not trying to be funny.
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That s not what my friends were into.
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If it had been, that s what we would have done.
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But I wasn t about to suggest it.
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My brother used to play it, but I never got into it.
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It s a lot of, like, stats and numbers.
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It s a lot.
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And it s even more when your toxic boss wants to be a part of it.
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Um... That s right.
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I immediately think of a couple of things, but Gary seems concerned about losing his job.
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Because there s always the direct response of, I like to keep work and social life separate.
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And then there s also just the skating around it and acting like you re not playing lightly.
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What you said made me think of, there s this woman named Byron Katie who wrote a book called Loving What Is.
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that is on the short list.
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It s the top three of my life-changing books.
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And I can explain it very quickly.
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She calls it the work.
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And it s four questions that you ask.
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And instead of explaining it, I ll do the work on this guy s belief.
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So you take a belief.
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If I don t invite my boss to Dungeons and Dragons, I ll be fired or laid off.
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So the first question is, is that true?
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And maybe this person says, yes, right?
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Let s say he says yes, that s true.
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Then the second question is you go, can you be absolutely certain that that is true?
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And even just with that, there s just a blossoming.
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It s like the flower inside of you just kind of opens a little bit, if you re like me.
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You go, I can t know that he will do... In fact, now that I ve stopped and thought about it, it seems kind of ridiculous
0
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that a man who mentioned that he liked D&D would fire a competent employee.
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This is a grown person.
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He s been not invited to things in the past.
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He will continue to not be invited to things.
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Especially if he s toxic.
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Especially if he s toxic.
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Yeah, don t get me wrong.
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I hear it.
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The third one is, how do I feel when I believe I will be fired if I don t invite my boss?
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Well, I feel tight.
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I feel despondent.
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I feel sad.
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I feel angry.
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How would I feel if I didn t believe it?
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If I just chose to just as a thought experiment live in a world where you re like,
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I can t know.
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It doesn t sound right.
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It doesn t sound true.
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I don t know how people feel.
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I don t know what s going to happen.
0
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It seems crazy that I m holding onto this belief so firmly.
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I would feel spacious.
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I would feel happy.
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I would laugh at myself.
0
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Just try it on, like a pair of sneakers and the Foot Locker.
0
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You don t have to buy it.
0
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Just try it on.
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How does it feel to not believe it?
0
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It s called the turnaround.
0
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You go, how is this true?
0
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My boss will not fire me if I don t invite him to D&D.
0
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How is that true?
0
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You build a case for the opposite.
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And the reason it s not true is it hasn t happened yet.
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You haven t had him over and it hasn t happened.
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So that s proof.
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Can you think of other times you maybe didn t invite somebody to something and nothing bad happened?
0
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That would be evidence for this, all that sort of stuff.
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So that s a little
0
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cursory explanation of the work.
0
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That being said, what would I do?
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I would go, that s probably not true.
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I m going to skirt the issue.
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I m just gonna not mention it.
0
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And, you know, if he does, the game s full.
0
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We have a full table right now.
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And how do you feel about saying that you don t like to combine work and social life?
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How would I feel saying that?
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Yeah.
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Would you say that to your boss?
0
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That is very direct.
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And I feel like my therapist might say that, but what makes this question so interesting is the power dynamic, right?
0
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And that s why I feel like it calls for something.
0
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It might be ghosty, it might not be great, but it s just like, I m gonna act like that didn t happen.
0
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Is that good or bad?
0
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I don t know.
0
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I m just trying to be honest.
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I would go, he s a grown person.
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I don t think he s gonna fire me.
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I don t think that s true.
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And if he did, that would be ridiculous and cause for a lawsuit.
0
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Also, it s like,
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I think it s going to be okay, and I m just going to not mention it.
0
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And if he brings it up, I can say something that s gentle.
0
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I think people are very good at reading between the lines.
0
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And it s a way, you can talk about it being dishonest, but it s also just a way of sparing feelings.
0
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You go, I would, we just have a very full game right now, is a gentle way of saying, I don t think that s going to work.
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And then if you push me, I ll say,
0
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that doesn t work for me.
0
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And that s okay, too.
0
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But if you re scared like I am, and you don t want to say the simple phrase, I don t think that s going to work for me.
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But, you know, what is the most honest thing you could say?
0
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I, you know, I value our work relationship.
0
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I don t want to compromise that.
0
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In fact, I m a little bit scared that not including you in this would will be bad for us in the office.
0
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But I like you.
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I like working here.
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I just don t think those two streams
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are gonna merge for me right now, you know?
1
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That s the most honest thing.
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Yeah.
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Gary, I feel like you ve got plenty to pick from here.
1
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Best of luck on your quest, whether it s D&D or your career.
1
SPEAKER_02
Pete, let s take a quick break, but don t go anywhere, and we ll be right back.
1
SPEAKER_02
And we re back.
1
SPEAKER_02
Pete, this next question was sent in from a listener named Audrey.
1
SPEAKER_02
Audrey writes, my 48-year-old sister and I always say we want to be comics.
1
SPEAKER_02
She bought me an online class to learn to be a comedian.
1
SPEAKER_02
Instead of doing the class together, she just had me listen to her material.
1
SPEAKER_02
I am the only person she shared it with.
1
SPEAKER_02
She is hilarious, but she is so shy and I can t get her to go to an open mic.
1
SPEAKER_02
My girlfriend says I should leave her alone because she has the right to not share her funniness.
1
SPEAKER_02
How much should I push her on stage?
1
SPEAKER_02
How do I do it?
1
SPEAKER_02
I mean, I personally feel like you don t need to push somebody if they really, really want to do comedy.
1
SPEAKER_02
And I think you can encourage her and maybe drop a few lines of like,
1
SPEAKER_02
Do you think you ll ever do it?
1
SPEAKER_02
Or if you do it, you gotta let me know.
1
SPEAKER_02
And oh my gosh, or I won t even go.
1
SPEAKER_02
Just tell me if you do it or record it.
1
SPEAKER_02
But only from time to time.
1
SPEAKER_02
I just don t think it ll be a really positive experience.
1
SPEAKER_02
If you push someone, whether they end up doing it or not, because of the pressure of like, yeah, you gotta do it, you re so great.
1
SPEAKER_02
Or if they do do it because you pushed them,
1
SPEAKER_02
and they don t have a great time, then that s gonna not feel great.
1
SPEAKER_02
But let s see what Petey Pants says.
1
SPEAKER_03
I think there s so much in this question.
1
SPEAKER_03
When I was a kid, I remember my brother would pressure me into going on roller coasters, and I hated it.
1
SPEAKER_03
He d, you know, tease me and all this stuff.
1
SPEAKER_03
Then I d go on the roller coaster, and I f***ing loved it.
1
SPEAKER_03
I was so scared to do it, and it actually, you know, was the 80s.
1
SPEAKER_03
It actually was something I was like, thank you for, like, teasing me onto the roller coaster.
1
SPEAKER_03
And then in your answer, Tig, I also heard the consideration of, like,
1
SPEAKER_03
It s not for everybody.
1
SPEAKER_03
Stand-up comedy is not for funny people.
1
SPEAKER_03
Stand-up comedy is not for talented people.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s for talented, funny people who have a compulsion to prove it and to feel it on its feet.
1
SPEAKER_03
Meaning it s okay, maybe, that she just writes it and that s the end of it.
1
SPEAKER_03
That being said, rollercoaster, a little encouragement in the form of going to an open mic together but not signing up is always my number one stand-up advice.
1
SPEAKER_03
I go, just go, because you think it s going to be 10 incredible people.
1
SPEAKER_03
You will see that it is other nervous people like you.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s other people just being brave and trying.
1
SPEAKER_03
And you will wish you had signed up that night, but do not.
1
SPEAKER_03
Just watch.
1
SPEAKER_03
So that
1
SPEAKER_03
is a right amount, let s just go, we ll have some drinks, we ll laugh, it ll be weird, we ll be alive, it ll be strange, with no agenda, and then that would be enough to go like, I think you could do that, I think you would have been the best on that show.
1
SPEAKER_03
And then when they do it,
1
SPEAKER_03
they ll see, am I talented and funny, or am I talented, funny, and a compulsive person that has a deep, and I don t mean this negatively, but I have a deep psychological need.
1
SPEAKER_03
I feel safe when I can make people happy.
1
SPEAKER_03
So when I go on stage and make people laugh, I feel safe.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s like taking 15 Xanax and a glass of wine.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s the best feeling in the world.
1
SPEAKER_03
And if they get that, then they ll know, not only can I do this, but this is written on my bones to do.
1
SPEAKER_02
I don t know that we can promote that 15 Xanax and a glass of wine is the best feeling in the world, Petey Pants.
1
SPEAKER_03
I ve never taken 15 Xanax.
1
SPEAKER_03
I don t drink.
1
SPEAKER_02
I ve never even taken one Xanax.
1
SPEAKER_03
I ve taken one Xanax because briefly, I went to the doctor and was like, I m nervous when I fly and I was.
1
SPEAKER_03
And then somebody explained to me why I shouldn t take Xanax and I stopped.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s something, you know, it s a controlled substance.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s just a difficult thing.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
Audrey, that s what Pete and I think.
1
SPEAKER_02
Good luck to you and your sister.
1
SPEAKER_02
And Pete, have you ever experienced what you consider to be a paranormal event?
1
SPEAKER_03
Love this question.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s one of my go-tos on You Made It Weird since you ve been on.
1
SPEAKER_03
But I say, have you ever seen a ghost?
1
SPEAKER_03
Have you seen a UFO?
1
SPEAKER_03
You ever almost die?
1
SPEAKER_03
You ever go to a psychic?
1
SPEAKER_03
Like, I love those types of things.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
but I haven t been asked.
1
SPEAKER_03
Whenever I go home, if I sleep in my old childhood bedroom, to this day, and reliably, it s pretty weird, if I sleep in my childhood bed, I feel my cat Clem jump up on the bed, and he s a big cat, and moves the bed, and he curls up next to me, and I feel the weight of him on my legs.
1
SPEAKER_03
This is in the morning, I m awake.
1
SPEAKER_03
I m like kind of half.
1
SPEAKER_02
Wait, is Clem alive?
1
SPEAKER_03
Don t steal my punchline, Ting.
1
SPEAKER_03
I m just kidding.
1
SPEAKER_03
There s no punchline.
1
SPEAKER_03
Clem is long dead.
1
SPEAKER_02
I gathered that.
1
SPEAKER_03
So that is like the most gentle, not scary.
1
SPEAKER_03
In fact, I ll lay still.
1
SPEAKER_03
You know, I wake up and I go, this is when Clem usually comes.
1
SPEAKER_03
And I ll just kind of lay there and wait for it.
1
SPEAKER_03
And he comes, he jumps up on the bed.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s happened, you know, four or five times in my life.
1
SPEAKER_03
So there s a ghost cat in my life.
1
SPEAKER_02
So you believe in him?
1
SPEAKER_03
I believe that reality is so much more, it cheapens it to say magical, but I believe at its core, it s one thing playing a loving trick on itself, playing a loving game with itself, dancing with itself.
1
SPEAKER_03
I believe that there is no message that God or the universe needs to send to you other than absolute
1
SPEAKER_03
unconditional love and delight that you can t even begin to imagine.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s not trying to tell me, quit my job.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s not trying to tell me, go and pull over there.
1
SPEAKER_03
These things are reflections of a taste, a smell on the breeze of flowers you can t see that reminds us of our true nature.
1
SPEAKER_03
So, I do believe that everything here has meaning, but it s really just because it s an echo of the deeper meaning, which is that everything is okay, and that you are that everything.
1
SPEAKER_03
and we re just momentarily playing a game of separation to delight ourselves and maybe to learn things.
1
SPEAKER_03
That s what my daughter s name, my daughter s name is Lila, and it s a Sanskrit word for the dance or the play of the universe.
1
SPEAKER_03
If you see numbers, you see patterns, you see this, you see that, synchronicities, those are all, there s only one message is you are okay, there s nothing you can do to it up.
1
SPEAKER_03
And to quote Father Greg Boyle,
1
SPEAKER_03
God is too busy delighting in you to even have a plan for you.
1
SPEAKER_03
It protects you from nothing but sustains you in everything.
1
SPEAKER_03
So these messages are reflections of a perfect love.
1
SPEAKER_03
That s what I would say.
1
SPEAKER_02
Wow.
1
SPEAKER_02
I mean, it s a lot to think about and take in, and it feels right on.
1
SPEAKER_02
And our next question comes from a skeptic.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
Thea writes,
1
SPEAKER_02
I m in a mostly happily committed relationship of 22 years, and my partner has become obsessed with YouTube videos that show purportedly, quote-unquote, real supernatural encounters.
1
SPEAKER_02
The fact that he falls for these is truly painful to me.
1
SPEAKER_02
He wants me to watch them with him, but he gets easily hurt when I point out why I don t find them credible.
1
SPEAKER_02
I just can t shake off how much this bugs me.
1
SPEAKER_02
What should I do?
1
SPEAKER_03
See, it means God.
1
SPEAKER_03
That s crazy.
1
SPEAKER_03
Like theology, it s the feminine.
1
SPEAKER_03
Wild.
1
SPEAKER_03
You want to go, Tig?
1
SPEAKER_03
Nothing jumps to mind other than like, you know, not everybody s for everybody.
1
SPEAKER_03
That s okay.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, yeah, it s really interesting because they ve been together 22 years.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, right.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
It feels like even if this partner is only recently becoming obsessed with these YouTube videos, wasn t there something in their personality before that that would make this not so much of a surprise?
1
SPEAKER_02
Also, if Stephanie was obsessed with YouTube videos,
1
SPEAKER_02
of supernatural encounters, I would wonder maybe what s going on with her, that this is where she s directing her energy.
1
SPEAKER_02
Is there something he s avoiding?
1
SPEAKER_02
You know, it feels like when people are caught in the loop of social media so deeply that that s where they re living rather than in their
1
SPEAKER_02
actual life.
1
SPEAKER_03
I think that s good.
1
SPEAKER_03
I immediately go to, well, if they ve been together for 22 years, I wonder what their age is.
1
SPEAKER_03
I wonder where we are.
1
SPEAKER_02
They re 23.
1
SPEAKER_03
They re 23 and they ve been together for 23.
1
SPEAKER_03
You are so dry.
1
SPEAKER_03
I didn t even get it.
1
SPEAKER_03
I gotcha, Petey.
1
SPEAKER_03
I m like, you re saying they got together when they were one?
1
SPEAKER_03
That s right.
1
SPEAKER_03
So let s say they re close to my age, maybe middle age, you re starting to look at death.
1
SPEAKER_03
You re starting to, you know what I mean?
1
SPEAKER_03
I find it significant that it s paranormal things and what are paranormal things, but like a shortcut to the idea that more is going on here than we think and life after death, you know, the relief of seeing a ghost.
1
SPEAKER_03
People don t talk about that.
1
SPEAKER_03
There s a relief.
1
SPEAKER_03
There s something more going on here.
1
SPEAKER_03
we ve circled back to where we began, which is the mask.
1
SPEAKER_03
So there s a mask, and it s manifesting as I am obsessed.
1
SPEAKER_03
That s not who this person really is.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s what s coming out.
1
SPEAKER_03
Fear is there.
1
SPEAKER_03
Curiosity is there.
1
SPEAKER_03
Joy is there.
1
SPEAKER_03
Fun is there.
1
SPEAKER_03
Maybe they re just looking for a thrill.
1
SPEAKER_03
Their life is boring, whatever it is.
1
SPEAKER_03
But this is what they re presenting to the world.
1
SPEAKER_03
So it s not false.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s just their mask.
1
SPEAKER_03
And it doesn t sound real, but I really believe that everything is love or a call for it, and this is a call for love.
1
SPEAKER_02
I ll give you, like... Connection.
1
SPEAKER_03
Connection.
1
SPEAKER_03
So, straightening their mask
1
SPEAKER_03
Instead of saying, I don t think this is real, recognizing this is a call for love.
1
SPEAKER_03
If your heart was fully open, and mine is not, I m just saying, we know when our heart is fully open and vulnerable.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s almost scary.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s terrifying.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_03
And someone says, I want to show this to you.
1
SPEAKER_03
And owning the intimacy of that, I like this.
1
SPEAKER_03
I want you to like it.
1
SPEAKER_03
I want you to tell me it s okay that I like it.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s not.
1
SPEAKER_03
The last thing on that list is, is this real?
1
SPEAKER_03
It s just clay.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s just an excuse to love each other.
1
SPEAKER_03
I think when people do things we don t understand, when our hearts are open, we realize that was just another opportunity to love and to say yes to them, to forgive reality.
1
SPEAKER_03
And to not argue with it, what is the voice of your pain in this issue?
1
SPEAKER_03
And if you really get honest and start writing it down and listening to it, what is it saying?
1
SPEAKER_03
He s making me stupid.
1
SPEAKER_03
Might be one of them.
1
SPEAKER_03
Is that true?
1
SPEAKER_03
Can you know that that s true?
1
SPEAKER_03
How do you feel when you believe it?
1
SPEAKER_03
How would you feel if you believe the opposite?
1
SPEAKER_03
And how is the opposite true?
1
SPEAKER_03
But get in touch with what your pain is.
1
SPEAKER_03
My partner needs to like the things I like.
1
SPEAKER_03
Is that true?
1
SPEAKER_03
That s easy.
1
SPEAKER_03
How is that not true?
1
SPEAKER_03
What are the things you like that they don t like?
1
SPEAKER_03
If my wife said to me, baby, like I love cold exposure, right?
1
SPEAKER_03
Ice bath is so boring.
1
SPEAKER_03
If she said, you know, sweetheart, I know you love that.
1
SPEAKER_03
but she s straightening my mask.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s tender.
1
SPEAKER_03
I love you.
1
SPEAKER_03
You re my person.
1
SPEAKER_03
I just need you every fifth time you think to tell me something about cold exposure therapy, say that one.
1
SPEAKER_03
Just give me every five.
1
SPEAKER_03
I just need a break.
1
SPEAKER_03
I get overwhelmed.
1
SPEAKER_03
I m embarrassed.
1
SPEAKER_03
I don t even know why I feel the way I feel.
1
SPEAKER_03
I owe that to you to figure it out, but I don t know why.
1
SPEAKER_03
I just can t
1
SPEAKER_03
vibe with this.
1
SPEAKER_03
I want to love you.
1
SPEAKER_03
I want to be here for you.
1
SPEAKER_03
Ideally, I could even enjoy these with you.
1
SPEAKER_03
I m not there yet.
1
SPEAKER_03
So give me a little understanding.
1
SPEAKER_03
I ll give you a little understanding and see where it goes.
1
SPEAKER_03
Everything is love or a call for love.
1
SPEAKER_03
That s what I would say.
1
SPEAKER_02
Thea.
1
SPEAKER_02
I mean, you heard it right there.
1
SPEAKER_02
Do you always say that?
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I mean, it s true.
1
SPEAKER_02
It is true.
1
SPEAKER_02
I mean, Thea... It s hard to do, though.
1
SPEAKER_03
I also want to say that s hard to do.
1
SPEAKER_03
It takes practice, so be gentle with yourself.
1
SPEAKER_03
It sounds like you guys have a good thing going.
1
SPEAKER_03
It should be safe enough to go like, this isn t for me.
1
SPEAKER_03
That s okay.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s okay.
1
SPEAKER_03
Be safe with each other.
1
SPEAKER_03
Be safe.
1
SPEAKER_02
Thea, thanks for writing in.
1
SPEAKER_02
The truth is out there.
1
SPEAKER_02
Pete, we have one last thing to do before the show ends.
1
SPEAKER_02
This is Advice of Yesteryear.
1
SPEAKER_01
When Jerry brags about taking Ginny out, he learns that she dates all the boys.
1
SPEAKER_00
So as we see now, menstruation is just one routine step in a normal and natural cycle.
1
SPEAKER_00
How do you choose a date?
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, one thing you can consider is look.
1
SPEAKER_00
I did everything you said, but my boss still hasn t asked me to lunch.
1
SPEAKER_02
This is where we take a real question from an advice column of yesteryear and try to answer it a little better.
1
SPEAKER_02
Pete, the question we ve chosen for you was written in December 1929 to advice columnist Dorothy Dix.
1
SPEAKER_02
A troubled wife writes,
1
SPEAKER_02
Dear Miss Dix, I have been married more than two years, have a comfortable home, a husband who is a good provider, and a darling baby.
1
SPEAKER_02
But our home life is miserable because my husband does not like my people, yet he wants me to be friends with his family.
1
SPEAKER_02
We both have quick tempers,
1
SPEAKER_02
Should I take my family s advice and divorce my husband and come back and live with them?
1
SPEAKER_02
Do you think I will be bettering myself to go to my mother s, or shall I stay with my husband and let my baby know it has a father who loves it? 
1
Wow.
1
SPEAKER_02
I have to just jump in right away and say, why are you calling your baby an it?
1
SPEAKER_03
Why are you calling your family your people?
1
SPEAKER_03
That s also gone.
1
SPEAKER_02
He s got no people.
1
SPEAKER_02
Let my baby know it has a father who loves it.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
Double it.
1
SPEAKER_03
It wasn t a mistake.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
It doesn t sound like a troubled wife is crazy about this good provider.
1
SPEAKER_02
Like one of those, I settled because there s a comfortable home, a good provider, and a darling baby.
1
SPEAKER_02
In these moments, I imagine myself writing, if I had a problem with Stephanie, this big,
1
SPEAKER_02
writing into an advice column, you know?
1
SPEAKER_02
It would be telling to me, this doesn t feel good.
1
SPEAKER_03
I think you re so right on it.
1
SPEAKER_03
You ve been doing it the whole show, is looking a little bit past the problem.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s not paranormal videos.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s like, what are we running from?
1
SPEAKER_03
What s wrong?
1
SPEAKER_03
How can we love the cause, not the effect?
1
SPEAKER_03
And if this person is writing this in, if it is a genuine question, what aren t they saying?
1
SPEAKER_03
This is the version they re willing to put in the newspaper.
1
SPEAKER_03
And you gotta be afraid that people are gonna know it s you, even though you re being sly.
1
SPEAKER_03
So it s gotta be worse.
1
SPEAKER_03
And this is a huge issue, and you d think it wouldn t be happening, but Val and I were just on vacation, and I overheard a very drunk conversation with a man and his new bride that was from 1920, whatever this is.
1
SPEAKER_03
It was the same... December 1929.
1
SPEAKER_02
Excuse me.
1
SPEAKER_03
1929.
1
SPEAKER_03
They re in for a big surprise in three years.
1
SPEAKER_03
So maybe stay together, because provider sounds pretty good right now.
1
SPEAKER_03
You might want to hoard some grain.
1
SPEAKER_03
But this is still happening.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s like a mass hypnosis we all need to wake up from.
1
SPEAKER_03
This idea, this antiquated idea.
1
SPEAKER_03
Essentially, what s going on is you sell your youth and your beauty and your body and your sexuality to a brute.
1
SPEAKER_03
who also is a victim of this.
1
SPEAKER_03
I m not saying that just to be even.
1
SPEAKER_03
Nobody told this person how to be vulnerable.
1
SPEAKER_03
Nobody told this person how to have value outside of his monetary worth, his skill as a provider.
1
SPEAKER_03
So everybody s losing.
1
SPEAKER_03
So I don t think the answer to this beautiful person in December 1929 is to necessarily cut and run.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s a little overwhelming to think of the work that needs to be done, given the time frame.
1
SPEAKER_02
You know?
1
SPEAKER_02
How much work did people really put in in December 1929?
1
SPEAKER_03
That s why I think you and I are the descendants of a lot of compromised marriages.
1
SPEAKER_03
And, you know,
1
SPEAKER_03
Is that just a complicated part of human history?
1
SPEAKER_03
And now we re in a place where, you know, technology, food technology, transportation tech, all these things that have made the Industrial Revolution for one of them, that makes life comfortable enough that we can stop and go, okay, we have heat, we have food, we have, you know, basic needs are met, now we can try and have a better work of art marriage.
1
SPEAKER_03
This person isn t really gonna find a support system that goes like, he s not a co-parent,
1
SPEAKER_03
He s not my best friend.
1
SPEAKER_03
He s not wise.
1
SPEAKER_03
He s not a reader.
1
SPEAKER_03
He s not growing.
1
SPEAKER_03
He s not changing, you know what I mean?
1
SPEAKER_03
So, it s really an interesting segment of the show, because the advice you would give in this day and age requires a support system.
1
SPEAKER_03
It requires people that wouldn t think you were insane.
1
SPEAKER_03
If I were this woman, I would go insane, though.
1
SPEAKER_03
I would, I would...
2
SPEAKER_02
That would be my play.
2
SPEAKER_02
I would say either we need to change this or it s not working because I d rather be insane, meaning thought to be insane, and free and spacious and available.
2
SPEAKER_02
I don t care what year it is, this magic universe has always been undulating and perfect and wild.
2
SPEAKER_02
I d rather dance naked in that waterfall, a little bit scared, than stay in this black and white kitchen, this grainy film black and white kitchen with it and my brute.
2
SPEAKER_02
So, how many people can do that?
2
SPEAKER_02
Buddy, it s hard.
2
SPEAKER_02
And if you re trying to do that, just like the open mic people, get some support, get some avatars, people that have done it before you, and start to imagine that powerful person inside of you and see if it helps.
2
SPEAKER_03
Do you want to hear what Dorothy Dix s advice was?
2
SPEAKER_02
I can t wait.
2
SPEAKER_03
If you will take my advice, you and your husband will pack up bag and baggage and take your baby under your arm and go to live somewhere as far as possible from your meddling families.
2
SPEAKER_03
Wow.
2
SPEAKER_03
If it is impossible for you to move to another city, then tell your families to go hang and to keep their hands off your affairs.
2
SPEAKER_02
I don t hate it.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s an angle that I didn t see.
2
SPEAKER_02
She heard the question in a way that maybe our years separating us made it hard for me to hear it that way.
2
SPEAKER_02
And she s right.
2
SPEAKER_02
There is... I love the image of the crab bucket.
2
SPEAKER_02
And your family is a crab bucket.
2
SPEAKER_02
And when I first heard that, it changed my life.
2
SPEAKER_02
You re trying to get out of the bucket.
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You re trying to move the ball up the field, to mix the metaphor.
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You re trying to do something new.
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And a bucket of crabs, everybody s trying to get something better, but they re just pulling each other down.
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And it s not cruel.
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It s what s supposed to happen.
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You re supposed to do better than your parents.
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For sure.
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You re supposed to raise your kids well enough that they don t need you.
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When my mom says, I miss you, they live in Boston, I wish I saw you more, I always say, Mom, it means you did your job.
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You did a good job.
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Thank you, because I m living a good life, a life that your love was the foundation of.
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You made me believe in myself.
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Why d you go and do something like that?
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Because now I m an astronaut, you know what I mean?
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But I like this advice.
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this world could use a little bit more.
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There s so much like family, family, God, family.
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Okay, but that doesn t mean codependence and that doesn t mean clipping your wings because your light makes your family uncomfortable.
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It doesn t mean pulling back on your speed because you don t want to humiliate your father by beating him.
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Go, go, go, and maybe this person can come with you.
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I think it s actually pretty good advice.
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And you might not even have to move to another city.
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You could also just create a very solid boundary around your immediate family.
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Your spouse and your child, your beautiful little baby.
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And give it a whirl without the infiltration of friends and family and their opinions.
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And people from the future, Tig and Petey Pants, giving you advice.
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Pete, we ve come to the end.
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Yeah.
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What a phenomenal guest that you were.
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Oh, thank you.
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Thanks for taking the time to do the show.
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It was my pleasure.
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You re just one of the coolest and funniest people.
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And when the ask came in, I was very happy to do this with you.
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Well, thanks for saying yes and congrats on your radical life that you ve created for yourself.
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Thank you.
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I feel equally as lucky.
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Isn t it wild?
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And I know we re wrapping up, but it s not just Famous Comedian.
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I know so many miserable Famous Comedians.
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The work never stops.
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This train comes in, got to chase that one, chase that one.
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But then
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The reason I like talking about my happiness is I m like, it s possible.
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You can find a way to get that table so it doesn t wobble.
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And it doesn t have to be rich and famous.
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It s just like, find your needs, be honest about them, and be open to them being met.
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I m all for that.
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And I ve been searching for that and hoping for that for myself and thrilled that I have, I think, a pretty darn good version of it.
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And I m happy to know that you do as well.
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And is there anything that you would like listeners to know about?
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Well, you know, people should listen to you on You Made It Weird because it s right when you and Stephanie started dating.
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And it s this wonderful time capsule of you in love.
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I know you re still in love, but like newly in love and excited.
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So it s called You Made It Weird.
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I m very proud of the show and a great place to start is your episode.
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And if you d like to see me do standup, it s just PeteHolmes.com.
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Well, yes, I would actually love to go back and listen to that episode.
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I was on cloud nine.
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It was so fun.
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Yeah.
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All the best to you, sir, and hope to see you around this planet sooner than later.
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Me too.
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Hopefully it ll happen.
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All righty.
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Bye-bye.
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Bye-bye.
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There s so much I want you to see.
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I wish that I could give you the answers.
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I wish that I could make you believe.
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I wish that I could put you on your path and set you free.
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That s what you re
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Don t Ask Tig is hosted by me, Tig Notaro.
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It s produced by Thomas Ouellette and Shana Deloria.
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Our executive producer and editor is Beth Perlman.
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Engineering and sound mixing by Alex Simpson, Derek Ramirez, Josh Savageau, and Evan Clark.
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Digital production by James Napoli.
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Talent booking by Marianne Ways.
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Our theme music is
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Friend in Tig by Edie Burkell and Kyle Crusham, and Listen to Your Heart by Edie Burkell.
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Special thanks to Hunter Seidman.
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APM Studios executives in charge are Chandra Cavati, Alex Schaffert, and Joanne Griffith.
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Concept developed by Tracy Mumford.
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Our executive consultant is Dean Capello and Gobsmack Studios.
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You can always ask for advice at DontAskTig.org.
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Just write in with your problem or send us a voice memo.
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Remember to follow us on social media at DontAskTig.
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DontAskTig is a production of American Public Media.
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And as always, thanks Dana, and I ll tell Becky.
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Hi, I m stand-up comedian and sex symbol Tig Notaro.
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And I m actor and writer Cheryl Hines.
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Before Cheryl and I got into the big business of podcasting together, we were just simply friends.
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And we re still friends.
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But now we talk about a different documentary every week on our podcast, Tig and Cheryl, True Story.
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So whether you love documentaries or just want to hear us slowly lose our minds, check out Tig and Cheryl, True Story, wherever you get your podcasts.
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Alright, cool.