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 This is episode number 1221 with Faith Jenkins.
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Welcome to the School of Greatness.
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My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur.
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And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness.
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Thanks for spending some time with me today.
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Now let the class begin.
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 Welcome back, my friend.
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Today's guest is Faith Jenkins, and she started her law career as a litigator in New York City law firm before becoming an assistant district attorney prosecuting criminals in Manhattan.
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And over the last decade, she's been the host of shows such as Judge Faith and the popular series Divorce Court, which focuses on helping couples resolve personal and legal disputes.
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And she's written a new book called Sis
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 don't settle, how to stay smart in matters of the heart.
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And I love this conversation because she's a divorce court judge that is talking about how to make sure to get into the right relationships.
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You really saw all the worst cases out there.
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So in this episode, we discuss how to not settle in your relationships, how to have emotional maturity in your relationships, and why this is so key and why so many people don't have that.
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 The subtle red flags that most people miss when finding a partner.
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The biggest reasons that marriages fail today.
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The keys to look out for in a high value partner, and so much more.
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And if you are excited about this topic, and you have some friends who are maybe struggling in the relationship area of their life, or maybe their relationship isn't going so well, or they're thinking of getting into a new relationship, then make sure you spread this message to your friends.
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Text them, post it on social media, tag me and Faith,
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 Jenkins as well over on social media so we see that you're listening and you're watching.
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And if this is your first time here please click the subscribe button right now over on Apple Podcasts or Spotify or wherever you're listening to this and stay up to date on the latest and greatest on the School of Greatness podcast and I want to
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 a shout out to the fan of the week this is from JD who said you want to know how to live better be better and live long listen to this channel get informed and practical info to put into action and never boring so JD big thank you for leaving a review over on Apple podcast you are the fan of the week my friend we appreciate you and I'm excited for everyone that's listening right now make sure you subscribe if you're new here and in just a moment I bring you the one and only Faith Jenkins
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 I'm curious, what has witnessing so many divorces taught you about love, relationships, and marriage?
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Well, I would say, first of all, I waited until the right time.
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The right time.
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For me to get married.
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For other people, they may have perhaps thought it was a long time.
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They may have perhaps thought it was too long.
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 Because I would get a lot of those questions about why aren't you married?
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Mm-hmm in my 20s 30s Okay, I married I was 42 years old.
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Mm-hmm.
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So I was recently married two years ago So I had to deal with that but I always say you know what when it's the right time if it's something that I really want
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 the timing will be perfect.
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Everything comes to me in the right time, space and sequence.
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So what has witnessing divorce taught me?
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Well, my parents got divorced when I was 13 years old.
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And I saw the early stages of their love growing up as a child.
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And I saw their decision to go their separate way.
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So that was my first
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 insight into what divorce was like and it was difficult and it was painful.
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And as a child, when you love your parents, you want to see things work out.
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But I also knew at that age that it was the right thing for them to do at the time.
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And now when I have these cases before me and people are going their separate ways and growing apart, I
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 Pull from that experience even, as a child, I pull from my experience working in family court in New York very early on in my career.
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 and then working on TV and seeing the cases and we've seen some crazy ones and try to give the best advice that I can, which is it's easy to treat people right when you like them and when things are going great.
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But you really want to know the true character of a person, the true measure of a person is how you treat them.
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 When things aren't going well, amen when things are going bad That's the true measure.
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I always say you'd learn a lot about someone after you go through a breakup That's who they really are how they treat you or how they talk about you in a good way a negative way You learn a lot about the character of someone based on a breakup Yep, if you if I were to give you an orange right now and you were to squeeze that orange What would come out of it juice orange juice?
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so
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 And no matter what circumstances, I could put that orange out in the sun and give it to you, I could put it out in the cold and give it to you, and you could squeeze it repeatedly, only one thing would come out of it.
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There'll be orange juice.
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So even when you're going through difficult circumstances in the adversity of life, you're going through stress, someone makes you angry, if anger comes out of you, if bitterness comes out of you, if resentment comes out of you, that's what's inside of you.
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 I use this analogy of an orange and I say, you know, why are these things, why is this hatred coming out of you?
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Why is this spike coming out of you?
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Why do you want to cause this person pain right now?
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Just because you're walking away from a relationship.
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Sometimes you have to walk away.
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One of the toughest things about life you have to learn is sometimes you're going to walk away from people that you love.
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 You're going to do it to protect your peace.
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You're going to do it to protect the peace of your environment, protect your home, whatever those reasons are.
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Sometimes it happens.
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It doesn't mean that you have to try to destroy the other person in the process.
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Absolutely.
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Why do you think people try to destroy or cause so much pain on their ex-partners?
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 when they go through a breakup or divorce?
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Is it because they feel pain and so they want the other person to feel it?
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Have you seen cases of people that don't do that, that actually are like, you know what, I'm sad, I'm hurt, this is not fun, this is, you know, maybe horrible to lose this relationship and go through this experience, but I'm gonna leave this in a loving way?
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Yes.
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Yes, I have.
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I've seen both sides of it.
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What's the difference between those two types of people, the loving ending and the anger ending?
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Why
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 What are they how do they develop that inside of them under all the stress and pain?
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It's an emotional maturity.
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Yeah that you that you have to have and Some people have it they've developed it over time I will tell you when I started going through breakups at 21 and 22 years old I
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 I did some crazy things.
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I remember I talked about this in the book.
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I went to my boyfriend's apartment in Manhattan and I became CSI in that moment.
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I was investigating because I knew something was up.
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Checking drawers and under beds and looking in the trash and looking for everything.
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I was an attorney and I was watching the law and order to know how these things work.
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Is there a hair somewhere?
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I had some moments that I wasn't proud of.
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I wasn't mature.
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You got the black light, you're looking on the...
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 I have my own lab set up in the back.
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When did you feel like, how many relationships did you have from your 20s, from 20 until you got married, let's say?
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How many relationships?
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How many long-term relationships?
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Not just like dating for a few weeks or a month, but a committed longer-term relationship?
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 I mean, just off the cuff right now, I would say I was probably in 10, at least.
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In like 22 years, 20 years.
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Probably 15, 20 years, I'd say at least 10.
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Yeah, okay.
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When did you get to a point in your emotional maturity where you went through a breakup and you realized, oh, I don't need to do what I did when I was 21?
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When I realized that pain in life is inevitable.
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You're going to go through painful experiences.
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 But suffering is optional.
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And I was causing myself all of this additional stress and suffering over the end of a relationship.
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And I started asking myself, well, if you really believe that the best is yet to come in life,
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 when a relationship ends, why would you be that upset about it?
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Why would you be, you would have some level of peace.
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I wasn't at the point where, that takes a lot of enlightenment to be just happy when a relationship ends and most people aren't there.
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But you can at least be at a point in your life where you can project and say, okay,
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 I can separate my feelings from the facts.
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My feelings are hurt, and it's okay for me to feel this hurt, I'm human.
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But the fact is, this is happening for a reason, and I'm gonna get out in front of this now, and I'm going to embrace the reason, even if I don't see it now, I know that eventually I will learn that there's a reason that this is happening in my life, and you accept it, radical acceptance.
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 That's when we talk about the emotional maturity, when you can radically accept that this ending is happening for a reason and believe, even if you don't see it, that something better is coming along the way.
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And when you believe that, and when you accept that, then you won't feel like you need to go and
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 look through your boyfriend's apartment because you want to find out the missing clue and what's really going on for sure.
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You can let it go in peace in knowing I don't need to know the why all the time.
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I don't need to know the why.
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This is happening and I can radically accept that this is happening.
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Wow.
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Was there a point when you started to learn
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 and see red flags clearer and realize, okay, like this isn't gonna work, so I'm gonna remove myself from the situation as opposed to maybe in your 20s where you're like, well, I'm gonna have one eye open and just like keep working to make it work even though these red flags are happening.
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Was there a moment where this kind of like, all right, I see the red flags so clear now and I'm not gonna keep investing time and energy.
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So hopefully it changes.
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 when I got to know myself better.
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Because I got to know, when I got to know me better, I got to know what I wanted and what I didn't want.
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And what I was willing to compromise on and what I wasn't willing to compromise on.
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Because before, I didn't know the flags were red.
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 Mmm, what were they?
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I just thought this is life.
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So I'm seeing I'm seeing these things happen Or the flag will be red, but I wouldn't want to know what how red is the red flag Can I manage the red flag?
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Can I manage it?
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Can I deal with it?
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but as I got older and more mature and I started having these relationships I started realizing that
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 And that's why it's so important to get to know yourself in your 20s.
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When you're in your 20s, what a great time to get to know you, and who you are, and what you want, and what you like, and what you dislike.
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 when you can see with clearer eyes, you have a better vision for yourself and your life and what will better fit you in your life.
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So just growing and going through those experiences, I started accepting and realizing the things that would and would not work for me.
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And when I came across people who, when I realized, okay, this is not something that I want,
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 Just being able to pivot right and say you know what that's not what I want.
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I need to go in another direction, right?
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It's interesting because I was watching a TED talk recently of a relationship Therapist I think was a marriage therapist out of Australia and
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 And he was mentioning the statistics, 50% of marriages end in divorce.
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And if you want to decrease that statistic, wait longer to get married.
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He was like, wait as long as you can to get married, because the older you get, the more you know yourself.
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You don't settle, right?
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You don't settle for something.
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You don't just jump in something because of the pressure.
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You really make a more conscious decision.
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I'm not saying if you're young, you can't get married and have a great relationship and thrive in the long term, but,
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 He's like, divorce rates go down significantly if you wait until you're older to get married.
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So you waited until you were 42.
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I'll be 39 in a couple months.
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I haven't been married.
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And I reflect back in this conversation thinking, if I would have gotten married to any of the previous relationships, I would have 100% been divorced.
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There's no way they would have worked.
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No way.
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And yet sometimes we feel the pressure that like, okay, well,
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 I don't like this, this and this, or it's not exactly what I want, but I'm going to move forward anyways because I've invested time or energy or because I like their family or whatever it is.
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What do you think was the biggest lesson you learned in all these different relationships about yourself?
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I don't think that age is the end all, be all.
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 yardstick for success in marriage.
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I really do think it's a number of things, including knowing yourself and just growing and becoming a better version of yourself and bringing a healthy version of yourself into a relationship because we don't attract healthy relationships, we create them by
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 being healthy and then hopefully attracting someone else who's also working on themselves and bringing their best version of themselves to the relationship.
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For me, I learned who I was as a person and then also what I wanted, some of the core values that I wanted in my partner.
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Did you think about values before then?
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 I did, but I think that my values changed over time as I live life.
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You're going to come across a lot of people you find physically attractive, but that factor may be the initial attraction factor.
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 that gets you to talk to somebody or have an initial conversation with them.
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But really everything after that, as you dig deeper into who a person is, those are the things that will speak to a relationship's success and longevity.
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If you wanna do something well and you want to be great at something, you're gonna prepare for it.
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Your relationships should be no different.
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So while I was single,
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 I have to ask myself, what am I doing to prepare myself if I want to be in a relationship?
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Because how I live my life as a single person is going to reflect when I do get into a relationship.
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So do I know how to communicate effectively?
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 Because if I don't, it's going to show up in my relationships.
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Do I know how to manage conflict well?
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Because if I don't, it's going to show up in my relationships.
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Do I know how to set boundaries?
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If I don't, I may choose somebody who I may become codependent on.
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It's going to reflect in who I choose to associate myself with.
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So I started preparing myself.
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 for being in the type of relationship that I really wanted to be in, becoming the right person, because hopefully I would have a, be able to make better choices, because then I know who would be a great match for the person that I'm becoming.
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What was the biggest challenge you had to overcome?
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Was it conflict resolution?
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Was it boundaries?
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Was it not abandoning yourself?
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Was it communication skills?
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What was the- Fear.
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Fear of what?
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Fear of failure.
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 Like a relationship not working.
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Relationship not working.
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When you have been through, as you date and you go through relationships and you've been through betrayal and heartbreak and hurt and pain, you can become pretty cynical about love.
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And if you're not careful, that cynicism
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 can really be a hindrance for you because you cannot be a cynic about love and expect to attract it at the same time.
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Ooh, snap, that's true.
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So how did you keep your heart open after going through breakups and maybe after challenging things happening in relationships where that hurt you, how did you stay open to love?
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I had to reframe.
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 my thoughts and ideas and my perspective about the past.
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What did you think about them then?
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I had to learn to allow the past to stay in the past.
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I didn't want someone to come into my life and I make them pay for something they had nothing to do with.
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Yeah, that's tough.
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In my past.
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Yeah, that's tough.
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And when I got married, who did I want my husband to meet?
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 this bitter, broken down woman who had been through the ringer in all these years and all these relationships?
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Or did I want him to meet someone who, because we're always in the process of healing.
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We're always in the process of growth and our emotional health.
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But did I want him to meet someone who was committed to that growth and that process and going forward being committed to the same commitment, which is what,
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 really success in marriage boils down to being committed to the same commitment.
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Because when I was younger, I thought it was about this involuntary feeling of love.
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And then as I got older, I realized it was a conscious decision to love.
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It's not just, oh, I have this attraction to this person.
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I feel love towards them.
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It's a conscious decision.
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Because you're not always going to feel love.
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You're going to go through ups and downs and peaks and valleys.
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And if it were about a feeling,
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 You'd be all over the place emotionally.
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It's about a decision.
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And so when I talk about earlier, when I talked about separating your feelings from the facts, that's what I mean.
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You're gonna have a range of emotions, but the fact is, this is a person that I've committed my life to.
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This is a person that I've committed to grow with.
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So I made all of these commitments to this person.
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And then you go forward with that in mind.
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 Did you have fears around getting married?
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I had a fear of the unknown.
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What is marriage really like?
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I see other people who are married, some of them happy, some of them not.
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Obviously I see a lot of people getting divorced.
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 What is it about marriage, what makes it work?
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Do I know what makes it work?
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Do I have what it takes to make it work?
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So it was the fear of the unknown because I hadn't done it before.
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Marriage by nature changes you.
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It's the closest relationship you'll ever have.
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It's very different from the parent-child relationship, every other relationship.
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I wondered how it would change me.
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 From being in a relationship and dating to then being married, what have been the biggest differences and changes?
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Allowing someone to see me at my most vulnerable state.
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Did you allow that during the dating process?
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I allowed it to a certain extent, but I didn't live with my husband before we got married.
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That was a choice that we made.
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We did not want to live together.
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 And so when we got married and we moved in together, I had not lived with anyone since I was in college for 20 years.
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So again, it's that adjustment in life, just sharing my space with another human being every day and how to handle that.
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Yeah, and you got married a week before the pandemic in 2020, March 8th, 2020, you said.
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So what was that like?
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 God, that takes a lot of guts to not live with someone beforehand in the modern world, to not fully see the person who they are.
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So I commend you on that.
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So what did you learn going through a pandemic for the last two years, getting married a week before, and then moving in together and sharing a life during arguably one of the scariest uncertain times in the last 20, 30 years?
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Everything changed in the blink of an eye.
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We got married on March 8th.
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 in Los Angeles, big wedding, all of our family, all of our friends, hugging, high-fiving, kissing, had no idea what was about to happen a week later.
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And I do look back on that day because I thought, you know, when we were talking about our wedding, do we want to do something small?
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Do we want to, you know, we ended up just inviting our people and everyone came out.
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And now I look back on that day and I cherish it so much.
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Yeah, because people haven't been able to do that for a couple of years.
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 Right.
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And I haven't seen a lot of those people since.
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So it just made those memories even more special to us.
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But also, yes, a week later, the world shut down.
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So we decided to take a mini moon.
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We were going to do a big honeymoon over the summer.
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 So we just went to Newport Beach and we were there for a few days and we were in a bubble.
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We didn't know a lot about everything that was happening in the world until we came out of this bubble.
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So we came back to LA.
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 And I mean, there was no toilet tissue on the shelves, the grocery store.
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I mean, it was just empty.
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Everything was empty.
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I'd never seen anything like it before.
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And I was like, so you mean to tell me I waited all this time to get married?
0
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And the world is about to end?
0
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Wow.
0
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It was, it was.
0
SPEAKER_00
 Crazy.
0
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So what did you guys create?
0
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Did you guys come together and say, let's build a strong foundation during this time?
0
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Yes.
0
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Did you, do you feel like it's made the relationship stronger?
0
SPEAKER_02
Absolutely.
0
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Has it been stressful living with someone for the first time in 20 years?
0
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How have you navigated it all?
0
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 We adapted really well.
0
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And during that time, we had every day and all that time to spend time together.
0
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And the pandemic, you know, it challenged all of us in different ways, but it also presented us with an opportunity.
0
SPEAKER_00
And for us, it was noise cancellation headphones through the first few months of our marriage, because we got to really sit and be together and be still and be quiet.
0
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You know, my husband is an R&B singer.
0
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He travels all over the world.
0
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 And he was leaving a week after we got married to start traveling again.
0
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Of course, that didn't happen.
0
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And so we got to spend a lot of quality time together.
0
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And I will tell you what I learned about him.
0
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What I talked about earlier, about when you see the true measure of a person and how they handle adversity and how they handle difficult circumstances.
0
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And because all of his live music was impacted greatly.
0
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Shut down completely.
0
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 And I never heard him complain, not even once.
0
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And I saw him be a source of encouragement to a lot of other of his artists and musician friends.
0
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And I mean, I was even shocked.
0
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I was like, OK, we're all about positivity and wake up happy every day.
0
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But really?
0
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You really wake up this happy every day?
0
SPEAKER_01
Sure.
0
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And it was inspiring to see.
0
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And I knew in those first few months
0
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 that because you always, you know, you every love is about taking a risk.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
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You know, we talk about that fear because we're it's a risk.
0
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There's a fear of being hurt again.
0
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There's a fear of those triggers being exposed again.
0
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And in that moment, I knew and I believed that I had made a right decision.
0
SPEAKER_00
But in those months after the pandemic, I saw it for myself very early on in my marriage, who my husband was in in
0
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 stressful times and difficult circumstances and how he was a source of inspiration and strength for a lot of people, including me.
0
SPEAKER_02
So were you, was each day kind of a confirmation that this was a great decision?
0
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
0
SPEAKER_02
I leaned into this and yes, that's beautiful.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
0
SPEAKER_00
It's been, it's been two years of just this amazing time in my life because I used to get asked a lot why I was still single for so long.
0
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And I started to feel pressure.
0
SPEAKER_00
 from people.
0
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I never put the pressure on myself, and I know a lot of people perhaps do, but if you're not careful when you're single.
0
SPEAKER_00
 and people are asking you, well, I don't understand why aren't you married or what's going on?
0
SPEAKER_00
You can start to internalize it and feel that there's something wrong with you or that there's something off within you.
0
SPEAKER_00
And it can almost be something that you become embarrassed by because people are asking you as if you've missed some mark in your life, some milestone that you should have achieved by now.
0
SPEAKER_00
 Not asking me if it was a desire of mine, by the way, if I wanted to, but just asking me, why wasn't I?
0
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Why do you think people care so much about other people being in a relationship or being single?
0
SPEAKER_00
Well, the question, I think, speaks more to who they are than it ever did to who I was.
0
SPEAKER_00
 because I was okay.
0
SPEAKER_00
There were lessons that I had to learn to get to the place where I could go into a successful marriage.
0
SPEAKER_00
I needed to learn those lessons.
0
SPEAKER_00
There are almost 8 billion people on this planet.
0
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We can't all be doing the same things at the same time, and we're not supposed to be.
0
SPEAKER_00
 We're all supposed to be living our individual life paths and our individual life journeys.
0
SPEAKER_00
There are some people who don't think that.
0
SPEAKER_00
They think you need to be married by a certain age, you need to have children by a certain age, or you're not living the right path.
0
SPEAKER_00
It's just not true.
0
SPEAKER_00
This is not a race.
0
SPEAKER_00
Why is it not a race?
0
SPEAKER_00
Because we're not all running in the same direction.
0
SPEAKER_00
 So I learned very early on, and I think living in New York actually helped with that because I was around so many other young professionals who were at the top of their games and their careers.
0
SPEAKER_00
And we were, you know, Saturday night we're here, Wednesday night we're at a show and the live music and everything and just embracing our full lives and accepting
0
SPEAKER_00
 that being single was not a rest stop for me until I met my husband and really got to live.
0
SPEAKER_00
Well, if I had done that, I wouldn't have lived until I was 42 years old.
0
SPEAKER_00
So what would I have done with all those years in my 20s and 30s?
0
SPEAKER_00
So it wasn't a rest stop.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I embraced that time and just did so many, I traveled across
0
SPEAKER_00
 all around the world by myself, solo.
0
SPEAKER_00
Went to all the restaurants that I wanted to go to, watching Sex and the City.
0
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Sometimes I would go by myself.
0
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I had this vibrant group of friends.
0
SPEAKER_00
I was not waiting to live my life.
0
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And I think that people, they project
2
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 is this door is closing for a reason and for a bigger purpose, because it's so easy to say that when you're not going through anything.
2
SPEAKER_01
But I decided to have that perspective when I was in the midst of the hurt.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I said, I will pass this test for myself because I know
2
SPEAKER_01
 what to do, and I know what this means.
2
SPEAKER_01
People say, fight for the relationship, fight for what you want.
2
SPEAKER_01
No, I'm gonna let this go.
2
SPEAKER_01
Because once I let go, if it's happening and I let go, it's going to open me up to what's really supposed to happen in my life.
2
SPEAKER_01
If that means someone coming back into your life, okay, that's what it means.
2
SPEAKER_01
But more often than not, it's opening up and moving you into a new direction.
2
SPEAKER_01
Don't fight against the current.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I didn't fight it.
2
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 I accepted it, and I said, this is going to open me up.
2
SPEAKER_01
This moment in my life right now, I had that conversation with God, and I said, I'm ready.
2
SPEAKER_01
I'm ready emotionally, financially, all the places that I needed to be into my life, I said, I'm ready, and I'm at peace with this ending, and I'm at peace with the new beginning that is opening for me, and I just believe it was my time.
2
SPEAKER_02
 Yeah, I think sometimes a breakup can be, like you said, a great opening for you, a breaking open of what's not working, what's out of alignment, and get you on the right track of creating alignment within yourself and then attracting that in the next relationship.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I think that's beautiful what you did.
2
SPEAKER_02
But why do so many people seem to settle?
2
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And why don't they end the relationship or wait until the relationship is what they want?
2
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Why do you think so many people settle?
2
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Could be loneliness.
2
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 fear, past experiences that have made them question their self-worth.
2
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In the end, when you're making a choice, and if you do wanna get married, because some people don't, and that's totally their choice and their life path, but if you do want to, I want you to think about the commitment and the decision that you're making.
2
SPEAKER_01
The person you're gonna have 10,000 meals with,
2
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 the person you're going to travel perhaps all over the world with, the person who will be the greatest influence on your children should you choose to have them.
2
SPEAKER_01
This is the kind of choice you're making.
2
SPEAKER_01
You've got to get past some of these hangups that we've developed just going through life so you can bring a healthy you
2
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 into the equation and see with clear eyes and know that this is not a decision.
2
SPEAKER_01
You can just pick a pair of shoes.
2
SPEAKER_01
You can pick a restaurant to go to.
2
SPEAKER_01
You can just pick a dress.
2
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You cannot just pick a spouse.
2
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You cannot just pick a partner.
2
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That decision is too important for you to take it lightly.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
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When you put it like that, 10,000 meals.
2
SPEAKER_02
 You know, I'm gonna have 10,000 meals with this person, whether it's 10,000 or 5,000, whatever the number is, but you're gonna have thousands of meals with someone.
2
SPEAKER_02
That's a good way to reflect and say, am I enjoying the meals I'm having with them right now in the last six months or two years we've been dating, whatever it is, am I enjoying these meals?
2
SPEAKER_02
Because I'm gonna spend thousands more.
2
SPEAKER_02
And so if you're not, that could be a good indicator to say, okay, well, how does the relationship need to shift?
2
SPEAKER_02
 and see if we can get on a different track or maybe it's not the right relationship.
2
SPEAKER_02
But I think having that perspective is powerful.
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, what you said very early on in our interview, you heard a TED talk.
2
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Someone talked about getting into waiting.
2
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I will say this.
2
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I've never had a couple in front of me
2
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 who have said that they wish they would have moved faster.
2
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A lot of them say that they wish they would have taken their time.
2
SPEAKER_01
Move slower, got to know the other person better.
2
SPEAKER_01
And again, I don't think there's a magic number of months or years when it comes to the time.
2
SPEAKER_02
Some people you hear stories of them together for 40 years and they met and they got married six months later and it's been a beautiful journey, but you're saying most of these divorces
2
SPEAKER_02
 They're not saying, I wish we did it sooner.
2
SPEAKER_02
They're saying, I wish we'd taken more time.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, because you know why?
2
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Because they were still learning about themselves.
2
SPEAKER_01
And we're always learning, but they were at a key pivotal time in their lives where they were learning what really would work for them and what they were willing to negotiate on, compromise on, and what they weren't, the things that they weren't willing to compromise on.
2
SPEAKER_01
It's okay to have some non-negotiables.
2
SPEAKER_01
It's important to recognize
2
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 When you're looking at a person's history, we talk about red flags.
2
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If a person has a history of infidelity, but they meet you and they say, but it's gonna be different with you, that's a red flag.
2
SPEAKER_01
Because what about their history speaks to their loyalty?
2
SPEAKER_01
You know, the FBI, when they do a analysis and a profile and they wanna put together a profile of someone and try to track their next moves, their next steps, you know what they do?
2
SPEAKER_01
They look at their patterns.
2
SPEAKER_01
 in someone's life, because people lie but their patterns don't.
2
SPEAKER_01
So they look at their patterns, they put together a profile of what they think this person's next moves will be based on their patterns.
2
SPEAKER_01
Look at people's patterns.
2
SPEAKER_01
What do they tell you about their lives?
2
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Take a look at the history.
2
SPEAKER_02
Now what if someone's completely honest about their past and says, you know what, I made a bunch of mistakes.
2
SPEAKER_02
I did this wrong, I hurt this person, whatever, I was in out of integrity with this.
2
SPEAKER_02
 but I've been rebuilding myself and I've been committing to a new future that's not who I wanna be anymore.
2
SPEAKER_02
Is that a red flag?
2
SPEAKER_02
Their brutal honesty, you know, they're being radically honest, here's what I went through, but here's my track record in the last six months, year, five years, I've been on a different track.
2
SPEAKER_02
Would you trust that person more if they've kind of made these mistakes in the past but been 100% honest and on the right track?
2
SPEAKER_02
Or is that a red flag and you should be worried about their history still?
2
SPEAKER_01
 I would ignore their words and judge them completely by their actions.
2
SPEAKER_01
Do the actions actually show that there has been a change?
2
SPEAKER_01
If those two things don't line up, if a person's words and actions don't match, completely ignore what they're saying to you and look at their behavior only.
2
SPEAKER_01
It's fine that you're, I think honesty is great.
2
SPEAKER_01
 So you've come to this person, you've said, you know, this was my past, this was my history, but I'm living a different life now.
2
SPEAKER_01
You should be on high alert.
2
SPEAKER_01
And you should look to see if there is actually evidence of that change.
2
SPEAKER_02
What do you think makes a high value partner?
2
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What are the key things that would you say like, wow, this person's extremely valuable and I should take this seriously about
2
SPEAKER_02
 entering a relationship or, you know, that this can be a great partner.
2
SPEAKER_01
There are a lot of things, but one that I think is incredibly important is how do they treat people around them who they may perceive as weak or vulnerable?
2
SPEAKER_01
They're going to see vulnerabilities in you.
2
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How do they treat the people in their life who can't do anything for them?
2
SPEAKER_01
 Do they show everyone, is there a certain level of respect they have for everyone?
2
SPEAKER_01
Or is it conditional on who that person is in their life?
2
SPEAKER_01
If you want peace in your home, they care about being a good person.
2
SPEAKER_01
They know what service and sacrifice is because that's what happens.
2
SPEAKER_01
That's a big part of marriage and relationships.
2
SPEAKER_01
They understand that love
2
SPEAKER_01
 is a conscious decision.
2
SPEAKER_01
People say, oh, I'm just keeping it real.
2
SPEAKER_01
Not when you're hurting someone.
2
SPEAKER_02
Intentionally, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
So all of those things are really important.
2
SPEAKER_01
That's good.
2
SPEAKER_01
 And they are bringing, and they want to bring, they have a desire to bring their best self into the relationship.
2
SPEAKER_01
And no one's perfect.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I'm not talking about just a level of perfection here.
2
SPEAKER_01
I'm talking about a commitment to growing.
2
SPEAKER_02
I hear sometimes people say like, marriage and relationships are hard work.
2
SPEAKER_02
 And part of me doesn't like when they say that.
2
SPEAKER_01
I know, I know.
2
SPEAKER_01
I used to feel, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
I'm like, then why get in something?
2
SPEAKER_01
Why is it so hard?
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, why should it be so hard?
2
SPEAKER_02
I think it takes conscious courage to speak up when you need to speak up, to have those challenging conversations, which I think a lot of people don't have because they're maybe scary or you're unsure of what the other person's gonna say.
2
SPEAKER_02
Will they accept you?
2
SPEAKER_02
Will they judge you?
2
SPEAKER_02
Whatever it is.
2
SPEAKER_02
I think it takes, you know, humility, all these different things.
2
SPEAKER_02
 But should it be a grind?
2
SPEAKER_02
You know, I don't know.
2
SPEAKER_02
I don't think it should be.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I don't like when people say relationships or marriage is hard work.
2
SPEAKER_02
I think it's, can we reframe that?
2
SPEAKER_02
So it doesn't need to feel hard.
2
SPEAKER_02
It's gonna take presence and patience and time and all these things and attention.
2
SPEAKER_02
But does it need to be hard work all the time?
2
SPEAKER_02
I don't know, I don't like that.
2
SPEAKER_02
But what's your perspective on that?
2
SPEAKER_01
 I used to hear people say that as well before I got married and it also made me very self-conscious of the unknown because why?
2
SPEAKER_01
People would say that and then they wouldn't explain the reasons why.
2
SPEAKER_01
I think that more than anything, the work is learning to love the new version of the person that you've partnered with
2
SPEAKER_01
 as time goes on.
2
SPEAKER_02
Love and accept them.
2
SPEAKER_01
Love and accept them because as time goes on, you are going to see change.
2
SPEAKER_01
Not the change as in
2
SPEAKER_01
 what we talked about earlier.
2
SPEAKER_01
I'm dating your reality, but I wanna marry your potential.
2
SPEAKER_01
Because I marry you, but I want all these things to change about you.
2
SPEAKER_01
It's not gonna happen.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I think the work comes in in letting go of this notion that when you get married,
2
SPEAKER_01
 this person, this is it.
2
SPEAKER_01
And if anything happens over all of these life events that happen that are inherently going to change someone, this notion that that's not going to happen, I think you have to get past that and learn to embrace this journey, this path that you're on
2
SPEAKER_01
 and be committed to the commitment.
2
SPEAKER_01
The work that you and I talked about is the work that it takes to maintain anything that you do in your life.
2
SPEAKER_01
It's the day-to-day.
2
SPEAKER_01
It's the day-to-day that gets people.
2
SPEAKER_01
The little things that you do to keep the day-to-day running smoothly and to let your partner know that
2
SPEAKER_01
 there is this appreciation for them as time goes on.
2
SPEAKER_02
What's been the biggest lessons you've learned since being married the last couple of years then that have been different than when you guys were married?
2
SPEAKER_02
Has anything changed or do you feel like everything we talked about beforehand, before pre-engagement, before marriage, we've followed through on and so nothing has really drastically changed except for we live together now and we're married but
2
SPEAKER_02
 It's all been, you know, you've both been in integrity with what you committed to.
2
SPEAKER_02
And so has anything changed in your mind or?
2
SPEAKER_01
For anyone who gets married or you move into a close relationship like this, the change
2
SPEAKER_01
 is embracing another person in your life and accepting the fact that they are a different person from you.
2
SPEAKER_01
They have different perspectives, different life experiences, different educational backgrounds, all of these things in their life that have shaped their perspective and now you are trying to do life together.
2
SPEAKER_01
You're in this boat, you're rowing together.
2
SPEAKER_01
So it is a constant adjustment
2
SPEAKER_01
 to allowing people to have the space to be who they are and have their perspectives and share those perspectives and realizing no matter what, you're on the same team.
2
SPEAKER_01
So the choices that you're making now, it's not just about you anymore, it is what is best for the team.
2
SPEAKER_01
 So having that teamwork mentality is the adjustment.
2
SPEAKER_01
And hopefully when you go in, you've done enough of the work to where you're not the weak link on your team.
2
SPEAKER_01
Because you don't want to be the weak link.
2
SPEAKER_02
Someone's always picking up your slack, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
But just realizing and embracing that teamwork mentality.
2
SPEAKER_01
 even when you have an argument, even when you have a disagreement, your goal is not to win, your goal is to find a solution that is best to move the team forward.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, my friend Jay Shetty says in an argument or a challenging discussion, it's never, it shouldn't be the person against the other person, it should be both people against the challenge, against the problem.
2
SPEAKER_01
Absolutely.
2
SPEAKER_02
And coming together on how do we solve the problem, not
2
SPEAKER_02
 Here's my solution.
2
SPEAKER_02
You're wrong.
2
SPEAKER_02
I'm right or whatever but coming together on that and I think that's a beautiful Practice to focus on the challenge not what you did this and it makes me upset, you know So both finding the solution.
2
SPEAKER_02
I love this.
2
SPEAKER_02
This has been really powerful.
2
SPEAKER_02
You've got an amazing book sis Don't settle how to stay smart in the matters of the heart.
2
SPEAKER_02
I think it's really challenging to let your head make the decisions for your heart, but you need your head
2
SPEAKER_02
 To make sure that you're not allowing your heart to miss out on the red flags or signs that might be Your heart may not be looking for so you kind of need both to be connected to really make sure you're in alignment You're using your emotions and also seeing the facts and the data and you're using all of it to make a conscious decision about entering a relationship and then taking it to the next level
2
SPEAKER_02
 You've got so many great lessons and stories in here.
2
SPEAKER_02
You've got a lot of your own experience, personal experience, obviously from, I wouldn't call them failures, they're just lessons.
2
SPEAKER_02
They were relationships that weren't in alignment to where you wanna be.
2
SPEAKER_02
There's nothing wrong with that.
2
SPEAKER_02
We've all had those.
2
SPEAKER_02
So you had a lot of those lessons.
2
SPEAKER_02
And also being in divorce court and watching all of these people go through challenges and heartaches and the pains.
2
SPEAKER_02
So you have so many different lessons on how to make sure we hopefully eliminate that and don't have to experience those things in relationships.
2
SPEAKER_02
 I'm very excited about the book, It's Just Don't Settle, How to Stay Smart in the Matters of the Heart, Faith Jenkins.
2
SPEAKER_02
I've got a couple final questions for you.
2
SPEAKER_01
Can I tell you why I wrote this book?
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, go ahead.
2
SPEAKER_01
I did not have these huge standards of love in my life growing up and didn't really know what a true, loving, healthy relationship looked like.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, you didn't have a model.
2
SPEAKER_02
You didn't have a good model, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
Didn't have the model and
2
SPEAKER_01
 I realized as I started dating, and I moved to New York, started dating in New York, and I realized when I started dating that I really didn't have a source to pull from to learn the do's and the don'ts and some of these things that would have helped me along my journey to make
2
SPEAKER_01
 some better decisions.
2
SPEAKER_01
So a lot of things I learned the hard way.
2
SPEAKER_01
Sometimes that's good in life, but people watch your podcast or they read books because they want to learn how to minimize some of the mistakes that they can make.
2
SPEAKER_00
Absolutely.
2
SPEAKER_01
And so, because if you want love, if you want a loving marriage, you want to love a relationship, I believe that you can have it.
2
SPEAKER_01
But how do you get there?
2
SPEAKER_01
How do you get to that point?
2
SPEAKER_01
 And so this book was really a passion project.
2
SPEAKER_01
What I wanted to write, you know, being single in my 20s and 30s, how I navigated all of the challenging experiences, all of the questions, the pressure from outsiders and all of those things to get to the point where I am now.
2
SPEAKER_01
 two years, happily married with the husband that I dreamed about having for so long.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I don't think that that story is just meant for me.
2
SPEAKER_01
I believe it's something that anyone who wants to have that kind of love in their life that they can have.
2
SPEAKER_02
Absolutely, I think that's beautiful.
2
SPEAKER_02
And in a modern world of online dating and swiping and hookup culture and people
2
SPEAKER_02
 thinking they have more and more options available, but being less fulfilled and less happy because they're unsure of how to navigate these waters.
2
SPEAKER_02
I think it's really powerful for your lessons and your story and your examples to share in this book, so I'm excited for people to check this out.
2
SPEAKER_02
I wanna acknowledge you, Faith, for not settling, because I think it's really easy for people to settle, and there's nothing bad or wrong about that, but I think you were very clear on what you wanted,
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 You made your own mistakes, but you learned every time and you got to this point and I think it's really inspiring to see Specifically a woman wait until they're in their 40s to get married in this time When there is that pressure and to not settle I think takes a lot of courage There's a lot of courage But I can only imagine the amount of peace and love and joy and abundance on the other side of that courage So I really acknowledge you for
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 leaning into that, making that decision, and also using your voice to share this wisdom with other people.
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So congrats on everything there.
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This question is called the three truths question.
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It's a hypothetical question and scenario.
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Imagine it's your last day on earth many years away, and you get to live as long as you want to live, and you get to create the life of your dreams.
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Everything you want to do, it happens.
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 But for whatever reason, in this hypothetical scenario, all of your message has been erased or it goes to some other place.
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So your book is no longer available, the content you've created online is gone, so no one has access to your information anymore, your content.
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 But you get to leave behind three lessons to the world.
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This is all we would have of your information, your content, are three lessons.
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I call it three truths.
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What would you say would be these three truths, what you'd share with people from the lessons you've learned in your life?
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Don't wait until you get your dream job.
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 you meet your dream person or you graduate with that degree or you Travel places you want to travel choose joy now Because if not, you'll run out of time if you're waiting to reach a milestone to think you're gonna achieve it choose joy Second one the closed doors in your life are just as important
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 as the open doors.
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So I would say embrace the closed doors because they're redirecting you elsewhere and take that redirection as a sign, as a positive sign.
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And the third truth?
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 You're going to hear your name spoken very early on.
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You may graduate from kindergarten and they may call your name.
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You may graduate from middle school or high school, they may call your name.
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I don't want that to be the last time you hear your name called for achieving something in your life.
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So I want you to walk into rooms that are too big for you.
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 I want you to walk into rooms where you're concerned that you may say the wrong thing.
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You may ask, am I dressed appropriately?
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I want you to continue to walk into rooms, into doors where you're not quite comfortable, but you're there and you're in the room because that's where.
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 the opportunity will lie for you.
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That's where your success is going to be when you continue to walk into those rooms.
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Ooh, I like this.
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I like this a lot.
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We can get your book on your website, judgefaithjenkins.com.
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You're on Twitter, Instagram.
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Instagram's kind of the main place for you, right?
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 I think so, Instagram, yeah, JudgeFaithJenkins.
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JudgeFaithJenkins over on Instagram, Facebook as well.
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You've got this book, you've got a new show you're working on, lots of cool stuff.
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People, they follow you on social media, they go to your website, they can learn all about everything there.
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How else can we be of support to you?
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You can follow me on my social media, you can read my book.
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I think that, you know, I wrote the book
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 to, as a source of inspiration and hope.
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That was my goal.
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So I think that what you do here is amazing and I am, it's been an honor to be here today and be a part of this interview.
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I appreciate it, Faith.
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Final question, what's your definition of greatness?
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Achieving a level of inner peace, no matter what is going on around you.
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Ships sink.
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 not because what's around them, but because of what gets in them.
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 I really love hearing feedback from you guys, so share a review over on Apple and let me know what part of this episode resonated with you the most.
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And if no one's told you lately, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.
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And now it's time to go out there and do something great.