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 Bring a little optimism into your life with The Bright Side, a new kind of daily podcast from Hello Sunshine, hosted by me, Danielle Robay.
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And me, Simone Boyce.
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Every weekday, we're bringing you conversations about culture, the latest trends, inspiration, and so much more.
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I am so excited about this podcast, The Bright Side.
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You guys are giving people a chance to shine a light on their lives, shine a light on a little advice that they want to share.
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 Listen to The Bright Side on America's number one podcast network, iHeart.
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Open your free iHeart app and search The Bright Side.
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Hey, everyone, this is Molly and Matt, and we're the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
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It's a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
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 like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
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Let's learn about all of it and then some.
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Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on America's number one podcast network, iHeart.
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Open your free iHeart app and search Grown Up Stuff.
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 A new season of Bridgerton is here.
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And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
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I'm your host, Gabby Collins.
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And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the ton.
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Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
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Then fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.
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 In an unhealthy relationship, people argue about each other.
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You're the one getting everything wrong.
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You're the one who needs to take responsibility.
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You're the one to blame.
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You don't get anything right.
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You are wasting my time.
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You have lied to me.
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We think that the other person is our enemy and we're fighting about them needing to change.
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When actually the biggest thing is, we need to argue about the issue.
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 Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world.
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Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow.
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I am so, so deeply looking forward to sharing this week's episode with you.
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I have been blown away.
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 I've bumped into so many of you recently, whether I'm walking around town or even whether it's on my travels, and truly, it has been so wonderful to hear your stories and journeys with the podcast.
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But until I bump into you, I'm gonna keep reading reviews, and this one is from Sun.
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Jay, I've never seen you in real life, yet every time I hear your voice, I feel as if a good, loving friend is coming to give me the support I need.
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 I can feel the love in your voice and your words have been helping me so much through my healing journey.
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Thank you so much for being you and sharing all this amazing knowledge and love with us.
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 hear and feel how passionate I am about everything I do through this podcast.
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This one is from Nicole.
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Jay, your episodes are always very impactful.
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Every morning, my two-year-old daughter, my newborn son, and I listen to your podcast.
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It's always very inspiring and motivating to listen to your advice and for my kids to listen to impactful words.
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Keep being an inspiration to all.
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Thank you so, so much.
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 And I'm going to read one more.
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So, so difficult to pick.
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There's so many amazing ones here.
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I really, really appreciate it.
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This one is from Dan.
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Wow, Jay, each episode hits in a different way, but always exactly what I need.
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 You're an absolute genius.
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I really appreciate that.
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Thank you.
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I can't express enough how grateful I am for you serving your community with On Purpose.
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You've opened my eyes to many new concepts and reminded me of things I already knew but forgot along the way.
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This podcast is an essential part of my growth journey and has become a habit to listen to weekly.
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Thank you, Dan.
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I know that one goes on further.
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And I just want to say I am just blessed to have an amazing community like you.
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 I don't take each of you for granted at all.
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I feel the opposite.
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I feel humbled and grateful that I get to spend this time with you.
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And today's theme is all about the relationship habits of successful and happy couples.
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Now, whether you're single, whether you just started dating,
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 Whether you've been in a relationship for a few years or whether you're in a really long-term relationship, this podcast applies to you.
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Because these rules, these habits, are things that we have to continue to nurture.
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Maybe some of these are going to be new discoveries.
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Maybe some of them are going to be refining what you already know.
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And maybe some of them are just going to be things you're already doing.
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 But it's so important to create that assurance in our lives.
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Now, as always, I'll be sharing the science behind some of these reasons as well, because I really believe it's important to give you some research to back some of these ideas.
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But I also will be sharing stories, as I love to do, and I'll be giving you strategies and steps along the way so that you can actually put these into your life.
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So if you're ready, I'm going to start on the first one.
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And the first one is respect their values.
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 even if they have different values.
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Respect their values even if they have different values.
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That is a really interesting concept.
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You do not have to value what they value.
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You don't have to value the same thing or same things.
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 you don't even have to have the same values.
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Now, I do want to add a caveat that if someone is doing something completely against your values,
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 Of course, that is a time to leave, that is a time to move on.
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But overall, we're often told that couples have things in common, and they like the same things, and they like to do the same things, and of course that is all helpful and useful.
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But the truth is that as time goes on, you start to realize you have a lot more differences than you had in the first month.
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 And it's really important to remember to respect their values, even if they have different values.
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The best thing to do here is to write down a list of your top three values and ask the person to write down a top three list of their values.
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What are the three things that matter to them most in the world?
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And you could do one for people and the other for projects or things in their life or passions or hobbies or interests.
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 So if someone asked me what were my three values in life, of course, my people would include Radhi, my family, my sister, and my spiritual teachers.
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And if I was to look at my three priorities in my life from a professional point of view, it would be my purpose, which I get to share with you all the time.
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It would also be time alone is something that I really value and prioritize.
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 And I would also add to that football.
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I love soccer.
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I'm addicted to it.
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I wish I could watch it more.
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I wish I could play it more.
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But it is a big passion in my life.
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And so understanding those values is really key because you start realizing that your partner is not going to value your values.
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 They just have to respect them.
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And you don't have to value their values, you just have to respect them.
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When you show respect in this way, it is received more deeply.
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What does it mean to respect someone's values?
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It means that you want to help them prioritize those things.
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 It means you want to help them give more energy and emphasis to those things.
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What we try and do is we try and steal our partner's attention away from their priorities.
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And we want to be their priority.
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We want to be everything to them.
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And so we're trying to steal their attention often away from what's really important to them, because we want to be more important to them.
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What we don't realize is their passion is what makes them who they are.
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 Their priorities is what makes them who they are.
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That person becomes more lovable.
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They become more attractive when they feel full.
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Now, of course, you have to be mindful.
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Is their passion an excuse to avoid time with you?
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Is their interest in another person or people because they don't enjoy time with you?
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This is something you have to clarify and communicate.
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It's not something you assume.
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Often we assume when people choose to spend time late in the office that it's because they don't value us.
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 We take that as an indication, as a sign, when actually, if you ask them, they may say, well, actually, I'm working late in the office because I want to save up more for a vacation this year.
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Or I've been doing overtime because I want to be able to take a bit of a break for the family this year.
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Now, you may say, well, they should have asked me as well if that's what I care about.
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Maybe I don't care about that.
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Maybe I do care about them coming home from work early.
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But don't be the one to assume.
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 Don't be the one to allow that to just go on.
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Otherwise, we get into this battle of, well, you did this, so I did this, so I didn't ask, and you didn't ask.
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And guess what?
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A few years later, we feel really, truly disconnected.
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So be that person who says, hey, I want to understand this a bit more.
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I want to get a deeper thought around this.
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Can you please explain to me why you've been going to the office late?
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Can you please tell me a bit about what you're working on?
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What are you excited about?
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 When we ask questions that don't have judgment and don't have guilt inbuilt into a question, we actually get better answers.
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If you ask someone, why are you always late from work?
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What's going to happen?
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They're on the defensive.
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 they're not feeling a sense of respect, and now you actually don't get a good response.
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You may actually trigger a reaction within them and you don't get the right answer.
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Whereas if you said, hey, what have you been working on late at the office?
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Anything exciting?
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And they may say, hey, I've just been trying to stay because I just want to make a bit of money.
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I just want to save up a bit more this year.
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Or I've been really nervous about my job and I'm scared that people are being made redundant or losing their promotions.
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I just want to make sure that doesn't happen to us.
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 When you ask a question with trust, you receive a true answer.
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When you ask a question inbuilt with guilt and judgment, you don't get an answer that truly helps you.
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So respect their values, even if they have different values.
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The second principle I want to share with you today
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 And this is a simple one, and you've probably heard it before, and it's something we don't do enough of, is try to notice the small things.
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We think it's about the big birthday party.
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We think it's about the big weekend away.
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We save up to make Christmas really special, but we forget to thank someone for the beautiful breakfast they made us this morning.
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We forget to notice that someone looks incredible today.
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 We forget to notice that someone put away our mess.
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 It's these little things, these small moments on a day-to-day basis that define the quality of a relationship.
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A relationship is not defined by grand gestures of love.
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It's defined by the ability to notice and spot the tiniest moments of brilliance, the smallest exchanges of love and emotion, the fact that someone sat there and listened to you.
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 These are the things that every single human yearns for.
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Now, if you're doing all of this and someone's still expecting you to do the big stuff and not feeling loved because you don't do the big grand gestures, you've got to really look at that and think whether you want to be in that relationship.
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But chances are, most of us are trying to make up for the fact that we miss the small things by doing the big things.
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We think, well, if I do this big thing, it will iron out all the small mistakes.
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 It will take care of all the small challenges that I've done, that I haven't done, all the things that I missed out.
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From tomorrow, I want you to start thanking your partner for one thing a day, just one thing.
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It doesn't have to be everything.
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It doesn't have to be every moment.
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It just has to be one thing a day.
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Get into that habit and make it a different thing every day.
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Don't make it the same thing.
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 When we lived as monks, we used to have to walk around this pathway, and every day we'd be asked to find something new.
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One day we had to find a new stone.
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The next day we had to find another stone.
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The next day we had to find a flower, and the next day another flower.
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 And in this way, we trained our mind to walk the same path, but find a new stone every day.
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Isn't this what we have to do in our relationships?
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We have to sit with the same person.
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We have to eat with the same person.
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We sleep with the same person.
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But we notice something new.
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That practice of mindfulness actually improves our brain.
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It improves our emotions.
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 It's easy to find new in new.
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It's challenging and beautiful to find new in the old or the familiar.
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 And actually, that keeps our experience ever fresh.
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The third thing that I want you to do, which is a huge one of successful couples, is that they encourage, not discourage each other.
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Radhi is so fun to watch right now.
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She has so many amazing projects coming her way, so many exciting opportunities.
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And as someone who's been in this world for a while now, it's very easy to be cynical.
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 And I know this, where I've had excitement and enthusiasm about certain things, but I know people who've been in the industry far longer than I have, and they're cynical.
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So sometimes Radhi will share an idea with me, and I have to stop my cynicism.
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I have to be excited for her.
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I have to be enthusiastic.
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I can warn her.
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I can be conscious.
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I can be cautious about it.
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But often what we try and do is we try and discourage people because we've had a bad experience.
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 We try and discourage our partner because we want to show them that we know more and we've thought about it.
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We try to discourage our partner because we see their bumbling enthusiasm, but we think that they're not smart enough, or they're not organized enough, or they're not planned enough.
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Let's start to truly encourage our partners when they receive an opportunity.
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When we don't encourage, when we don't celebrate, when we don't recognize how beautiful and powerful this opportunity is,
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 actually taking away love and connection out of our relationship.
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 When you find that bright spot to help you get through your day, it's powerful.
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That's where The Bright Side comes in.
0
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A new daily podcast from Hello Sunshine that's bringing you a daily dose of joy.
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I'm Danielle Robay.
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And I'm Simone Boyce.
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Listen, both Danielle and I are reporters.
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We've covered the news and we know the world can feel heavy, but The Bright Side podcast is a space to have a little fun, to learn something new and get into some friendly debates.
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 That's right, join us five days a week to see how life can look from the bright side.
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We'll hear from celebrities, authors, experts, and listeners like you.
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Whether it's relationships, friend advice, or figuring out how to navigate life's transitions, we'll talk through it all together.
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Listen to The Bright Side from Hello Sunshine every weekday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_06
 When the Taliban banned music in Afghanistan, millions were plunged into silence.
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Radios were smashed.
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Cassettes burned.
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You could be beaten or jailed or killed for breaking the rules.
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And yet, Afghans did it anyway.
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This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol.
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 The danger they endured.
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They said my head should be cut off.
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The joy they brought to the nation.
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You're free completely.
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No one is there to destroy you.
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I'm John Legend.
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Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_09
 Guess what, Bango?
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What's up, Will?
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So iHeart is giving us a whole minute to promote our podcast, Part-Time Genius.
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 I know, that's why I spent my whole week composing a haiku for the occasion.
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It's about my emotional journey in podcasting over the last seven years, and it's called Earthquake House.
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Mango, I'm going to cut you off right there.
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SPEAKER_09
Why don't we just tell people about our show instead?
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SPEAKER_08
Yeah, that's a better idea.
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So every week on Part-Time Genius, we feed our curiosity by answering the world's most important questions.
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Things like, when did America start dialing 911?
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Is William Shatner's best acting work in Esperanto?
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Also, what happened to Esperanto?
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SPEAKER_09
 Plus, we cover questions like how Chinese is your Chinese food?
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How do dollar stores stay in business?
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And of course, is there an Illuminati of cheese?
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There absolutely is.
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And we are risking our lives by talking about it.
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But if you love mind-blowing facts, incredible history and really bad jokes, make your brains happy and tune in to Part-Time Genius.
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Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
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 I'm not saying that we have to celebrate every tiny thing, but how often do we discourage our partners because we don't feel comfortable about something they're doing?
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How often are we not celebratory because we feel we haven't celebrated ourselves?
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Sometimes we think, well, why are they so excited about that?
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I mean, I did more than that and I didn't get excited about it.
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Why are they so excited about it?
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 Start from tomorrow when your partner says something to you.
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Allow yourself to move aside your projection, your prediction.
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Be encouraging, be enthusiastic.
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Of course, share the insight.
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Of course, share what you think they need to know in this process.
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But don't let your ego get in the way of truly encouraging them.
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 Our ego stops us from encouraging the people we love.
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Our ego blocks us from encouraging the people we love.
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We try to warn them and we're saying, well, we're doing it for them.
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But really, there's a part of us that's warning ourselves as well.
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The fourth principle is having a balance between time together, time alone, time with your friends, and time with collective friends.
0
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 Notice how there is a lot going on there.
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So in an average week, an average month, we're going to have to spend time alone.
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We have to spend time with each other.
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We have time with our own friends.
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And we have time with friends together.
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Now, when I think about this, I start thinking of ratios that may be helpful.
0
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So let's take a week.
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And of course, in a week, you're not going to do all of these things.
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But giving you an idea.
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 Let's say in a week, you spend one night alone.
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That's really healthy, to have one night for yourself.
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 You can use it to do whatever you want.
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It may be to play games.
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It may be to read a book.
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It may be to watch your favorite TV show.
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It may be to be working late.
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You get one night to yourself.
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Then you spend three nights together.
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Three nights are connected time.
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Maybe you watch a show together.
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Maybe you go for a walk.
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Maybe you go to the gym.
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Maybe you play a game.
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But you have three nights that are dedicated to each other.
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 You have two nights that you spend with collective friends, couples that you enjoy time with.
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Now there's something really important here.
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Studies show that couples that are friends with other people who are in happy relationships, this was research and interviews done by the University of Maryland,
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 that found that healthy couple friendships have potential to make relationships more exciting and more fulfilling by increasing attraction, providing a greater understanding of men and women in general, so it gives you perspective, and allowing partners to observe the way other couples interact and negotiate differences.
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 It did go on to say that topics like sex and money were less comfortable to be discussed in these arenas, and those were more for personal interactions, but other conversation topics flourished in these happy couple scenarios.
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And finally, you may have one day a week that you spend with your own friends.
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Now, this is just a sample of what I'm sharing with you.
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So in a week, you spend one day alone, you spend three days together, two days with friends that you know, evenings, and then one day with your own friends, right, apart.
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 And this creates a great sense of a system or a structure.
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What I like about this is your partner is naturally the priority for those three days in a week.
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Three out of seven days are dedicated to your partner.
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But you also get one day to decompress by yourself.
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You get two days to be with collective friends, so you're still together, but you're getting to experience other people's energy.
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And then you get one day to be with your own friend.
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 to decompress in a different way.
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This is just a sample, and I'm recommending it because it starts giving you a flow of how to think about it.
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Often, we feel that prioritizing our relationship means we have to be together six days a week.
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We have to be together five days a week.
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But often, that actually starts becoming boring.
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We run out of ideas.
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We run out of things to do.
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We run out of energy to bring to the relationship.
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Creating diversity in our weeks, months, and years allows for us to actually bring more back to our relationships.
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 We have to go and borrow ideas, borrow energy, feel that contagious spirit and bring it back into our relationship.
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 Now, the fifth step that successful and happy couples do is that they argue about the issue, not each other.
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In an unhealthy relationship, people argue about each other.
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You're the one getting everything wrong.
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You're the one who needs to take responsibility.
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You're the one to blame.
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You don't get anything right.
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You are wasting my time.
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You have lied to me.
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 We think that the other person is our enemy and we're fighting about them needing to change.
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When actually the biggest thing is we need to talk about the issue.
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We need to argue about the issue.
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 Julie Goerner is a doctor of psychology, and she recommends that we keep the fights fair.
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She says when you fight fair, you keep your dispute focused on the topic without devolving into personal attacks.
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So if you're arguing about money and how money is used, it's not about how the other person uses money.
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It's about how you both should want to use money.
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 If you're arguing about the cleanliness in the home, it's not just about the other person's cleanliness standards, because you probably have a challenge too, but it's about what level of standard you want to create together to create the right movement forward.
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And arguing is necessary and healthy.
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 There's a great book called You Are Not Crazy, letters from your therapist.
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And in it, it says, similar to working out a muscle, if you can effectively survive tears in your marriage and then repair them, then it makes the relationship stronger.
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Most of us think, well, I can't be bothered to repair this tear.
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But it's the repairing of the tear that actually makes it stronger.
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So if you've had a few tears, don't throw it away.
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 Don't write it off.
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You can still repair that relationship.
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 Now, how do you do that?
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How do you do that?
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The way you do it is you say to yourself and your partner, when you're not fighting, let's always remind each other to focus on the issue.
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Now, when I'm about to bring an issue up to you, let's make sure it's the issue and not you are the issue.
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So let's say that you were upset that your partner spent a lot of money this month on dinners, and you both had made a pact to not do that.
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 You've got two options.
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You either say, well, look, you wasted it.
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You broke our pact.
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Or you say, hey, is the pact not working for you?
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I wanted to understand if we can do something that's going to help us both understand what our goals and priorities are.
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Look at the difference in that conversation.
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 Half the time, it's not what we say, it's how we say it.
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We've heard that a million times, right?
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But it's so true.
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Half the time, we put our partner on the defensive before we've even spoken about the issue.
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And now what are we talking about?
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Well, last year, you wasted money on those Christmas presents for your family.
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Well, two years ago, when you were broke, I carried you, right?
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Look what ends up happening.
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We're already in a place we don't want to be in.
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Argue about the issue, not each other.
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Step number six.
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 This one's been a huge one for me.
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And I think as we grow up as independent adults and independent thinkers, this is sometimes something that we don't think about effectively.
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And I'll explain how to do it as well.
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Step number six is think about how your decisions
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 affect your partner.
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This doesn't mean you shouldn't make decisions that may affect your partner in a convenient sense, but you have to think about it.
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When I get invited to travel for work, I know I want to do it because I'm passionate about my work, but I do think about how that's going to affect Radhi.
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And so I'll say to Radhi, I've got this opportunity.
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Maybe this is a time when you want to go visit home.
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Maybe you want to spend time with friends.
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I just want you to know so you have enough time to plan.
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 If I don't think about her and I just plan it, and then it comes to the day and I tell her on the day, what have I done?
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I've removed an opportunity for her to do what's important to her.
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Think about how your decisions affect your partner and have a healthy discussion about it.
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Often when we make a decision, we've been thinking about it for five months, and we share it to them in five minutes, and we expect them to understand what we've been thinking about for five months in five minutes.
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 You can't do that.
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You have to give someone time to catch up to your way of thinking.
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If you spent five months deciding to quit your job, and when you share it in five minutes with your partner, you expect them to understand it, they won't.
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Bring them along for the journey.
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Give them space and time to process it for themselves if that's what's going to take.
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But don't expect them to understand something that they've heard for five minutes that you've been thinking about for five months.
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 Step number seven is know the difference between your trauma and the issue.
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Know the difference between your expectation and your partner being wrong.
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This is probably the hardest but the most incredible skill.
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I'll give you an example.
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 If your expectation of how your wife should be a mother is based on how your mother was, that's you bringing your expectation and your past into what's right for your partner.
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Most of us don't even think about this.
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Our expectations of our partners are based on how our parents were.
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And so we expect our partners to be as good as our parents or maybe better than our parents or whatever it may have been.
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So much of the time, we act with our partners in a way because of a gap.
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 our parents had with us?
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Are you bringing your trauma into your relationship?
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Knowing the difference is so important.
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Me and Radhi have had to really work on this when we're bringing our expectation.
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So for example, Radhi's father is this amazing human who I adore too, I love him.
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And he's helpful around the home, he's helpful in the kitchen, and he's an entrepreneur and successful.
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And Radhi was thankfully