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Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.
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I m Dan Shepard and I m joined by Lily Padman.
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I hate to make this joke, but I have to.
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It s just right there for you to make?
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These delivered.
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Oh, you know, it s really nice.
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You re a dad.
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You didn t tell me you ve become a dad since I saw you.
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But they really did.
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These are good stories.
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They are awesome.
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I told Huey, well, we re not allowed to say who he drove for, but the person walking.
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I ve told everyone.
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And what s people s reaction?
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I mean, whoa, Huey almost lost consciousness.
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He got white in the face.
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There s a part in that story, it s the third story, that is like so impossible to unsee in your brain.
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It s a Stephen King story.
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And a couple people have defended it, and you ll know why when you hear it.
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Sure, sure.
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Let me guess, Laura did?
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Julia.
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And David.
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I think I put a nice spin on it, too.
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Oh, I think David did, too.
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Yeah, so you can guess what s going on.
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Okay, so these are crazy delivery driver stories.
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Please enjoy.
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♪ Hard times come and go ♪ ♪ Good times take them slow ♪
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Hello, hello.
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Oh my God, you sound wonderful.
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Can you hear us?
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Yeah, you also sound wonderful.
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Oh my God, good.
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I don t know what your setup is, but it s really nice and bassy.
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Ooh, thank you.
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Dan, where are you?
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I live in Minneapolis with my wife and two daughters.
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We love Minneapolis.
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It s nice there.
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It s kind there.
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We saw your live show here.
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Oh, you did?
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It was really cool.
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We had Andrew Zimmern.
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Yeah, that was really, really fun.
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And then he took us out to an incredibly fun dinner afterwards.
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That was very memorable experience there.
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What do you do in Minneapolis?
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Well, while this story revolves around pizza delivery, I am no longer in that industry.
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I m the chief marketing officer for a cyber security company called Arctic Wolf.
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Nice.
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Dax, you may have heard of them because we sponsor the Red Bull Racing Formula One team.
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So our logo is out there.
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Oh, okay.
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That s cool.
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You know, sponsoring the Red Bull team, there s a great saying for that.
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A blessing and a curse, which is you re sponsoring the winning team, but they don t ever show it on TV.
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Why?
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Because they don t ever show Max on TV because he s out front.
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There s no action.
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He s so far ahead.
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They re only showing the battles that are happening.
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That s interesting.
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It is.
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I wonder if, well, you re a CMO.
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Does that kind of analysis cross everyone s mind?
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Yep.
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There s this thing called QI media value where somebody does the work of measuring how often your logo is on TV and how premium the placement is.
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Overall, it is good to be on the winning team.
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Okay.
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Oh, okay.
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Well, I guess you re always in the winning circle.
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The car pulls up, it gets a close up, but I would be interested to see what
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team actually gets the most airtime?
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Well, Red Bull is a giant in general compared to the other motorsports teams.
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Their social media following is 2x the next closest team.
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They have such a cool brand.
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They sure do.
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Even when a race isn t going on, you get a ton of value from it.
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So we re really happy to be a partner.
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And it s also cool to say that we do the cybersecurity for the best F1 team in the world.
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Yeah, the best by a long shot.
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OK, so before this lofty job of CMO, you were delivering.
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Yes, if I could transplant you back in time to the late 90s.
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Oh, what a time to be alive.
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1999, I was delivering pizzas in small town, rural Minnesota, population 900.
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No way.
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No stoplight.
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This is before GPS, before smartphones.
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So people would call in to do their orders.
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I would get directions like,
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Oh yeah, our house is about one mile past where the Erickson s barn used to be.
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Oh my God.
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Used to be.
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Oh, that s amazing.
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You have to not only know all the landmarks, but the past landmarks.
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Correct, you need very local knowledge.
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I was living my best life.
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I was 16.
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You know, I d had my driver s license for a few months.
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I was driving this piece of junk Chevy hatchback, a 1985 Citation II.
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Oh, baby.
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That was completely rusted out.
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No air conditioning.
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It s hot.
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The windows are down.
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I also went for the full two 12 inch subs in the back.
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Yeah, you did.
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Well, you had a hatchback.
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You got to fill it up.
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You had to do it.
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That was the environment I was operating in.
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And it was a night, you know, like any other.
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We got what ended up being the last order of the night.
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The sun was down and I go out to deliver this pizza.
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The delivery actually goes off without a hitch.
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Deliver pizza, everything s fine.
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It s the drive back where things get interesting.
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Okay.
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So I m about three miles outside of town.
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Long, straight road.
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No lights.
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I m going 55.
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I m coming back to kind of the main road to get back to the pizza shop.
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And I notice in the distance that there s a car.
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It seems to be coming at me.
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Hmm.
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It s in my lane and I m like, well, whatever.
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There s nobody else on the road.
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I m sure they ll just move over when the time comes.
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Well, it gets closer and closer.
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It s looking increasingly like I am about to be in a head on collision.
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Oh, my God.
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And you got to figure out what way you re going to swerve.
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If I swerve left, I go into their lane and that might make it more likely to be a head on collision.
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I can t stay straight.
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So the option is the ditch.
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Sure, and it is upon entering the ditch that I realize that this car wasn t a car at all.
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It was a truck parked in my lane with its high beams on.
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Parked.
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Yeah, it gave me the illusion that it was coming at me, but it wasn t.
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This then begs the question, why would a truck be parked in your lane?
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I found out as soon as I got in the ditch, because there was a man in the ditch.
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And he was relieving himself.
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Number two or one?
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It was the number one.
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Luckily he s standing and he s able to like jump out of the way, but his hand hits my windshield.
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I hit the guy, and from his perspective, I must ve looked like an absolute maniac.
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Yeah, like you saw him and are now trying to murder him.
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Or you re just out of control of driving your car into a ditch.
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Right.
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This guy, understandably, is now very upset.
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I gotta get out of here, right?
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So I get out of the ditch, I turn around, and I see him making a mad dash for his truck.
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Is it a pickup truck, or is it a medium duty, or is it a semi?
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It was a pickup truck, like a Ford F-250.
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So the guy bolts into his truck, whips it around.
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And I m thinking, this guy thinks I just tried to kill him.
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He s going to come and settle the score.
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I m like, OK, time to get out of here.
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So I punched it.
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We re now in a high speed chase.
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The slowest high speed chase ever, a Ford F250 and a citation.
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Exactly.
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So he is on my tail and I m like, OK, what am I going to do?
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I got to get back to the pizza shop.
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My plan is I m going to park as fast as I can.
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run in, lock the door, and then call the cops.
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I park, I try to make it to the door.
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He does not park.
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He gets out of his truck while it s still like rolling to a stop.
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Oh my God.
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I m like trying to get to the door.
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This guy s charging right at me, like full grown man versus 16 year old me.
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And he just loads up a haymaker and absolutely clobbers me.
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Oh, you re kidding.
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He just clocked you.
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I don t know any of the words you just looked at.
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The haymaker s just a big, wild right-hander.
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Oh, okay.
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Yes.
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Yes.
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So he drops me immediately.
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Does he get you on the chin, the cheek, the forehead?
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Like the cheek, right by the eye.
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Oh!
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Oh, geez.
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So I am...
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down.
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I didn t get knocked out, but I m on the ground and I m thinking to myself, this is not good.
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So he then starts yelling at me.
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He s like, you tried to kill me.
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I m calling the cops.
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And I realize as he s talking that he is completely intoxicated.
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Oh, well, yeah.
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Well, hence the pee pee in the middle of it.
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And parking on the yeah.
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It starts coming together for me.
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I go, you re gonna call the cops on me?
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You re wasted and you just punched a kid.
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I m calling the cops on you.
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Good, yeah.
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He walks to his truck, which had come to arrest.
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It slowly hit the liquor store that was next to the pizza shop.
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This is some small town shit right here.
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This feels a little familiar.
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He then gets in his truck and drives away.
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Did you get a license plate?
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I did not.
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This is where it really is some small town shit because everybody knows everybody, but I didn t recognize this guy.
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And to this day, I m pretty sure my boss knew who he was.
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and he wouldn t tell me his name.
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It was like some small town code of honor or something where he wouldn t reveal.
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Who knows?
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They re probably related.
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I still, to this day, don t know who the guy was.
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Did you call the cops?
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Nope.
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I felt like that was wrong for some reason.
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Wow.
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We cleaned up the pizza shop.
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We watched the end of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
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And then we all went home and just moved on with our lives.
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Were you at all blessed
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with a really drunk guy throwing a haymaker?
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Like was the punch a little less than what he was intending, I m hoping?
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No, it hurt a lot.
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It hurt a lot, okay, okay.
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I get the feeling this guy, he s been in a few bar fights.
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Yeah, when you swing on a 16 year old, you re playing by a different set of rules, I think.
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What a motherfucker that he was in the wrong lane.
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I know.
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At least be in your lane to get out to pee.
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Also go to the shoulder.
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Who thinks people are really trying to kill them with their car?
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People who have had massive trauma where they have thought other people were trying to kill them in the past, or maybe they were trying to.
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I guess, but also be accountable for your actions.
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Listen, when you park your truck in the middle of a highway and pee in a ditch.
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On the wrong side of the road.
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Yeah, shit s gonna happen.
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You know, it s like shit happens when you party naked.
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I think about it a lot, like as more time has passed, I thought I was a few feet from potentially killing someone.
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Right, that is scary.
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how different my life would be just that split second.
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I have mixed feelings about it.
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Weirdly, there s a clue in there.
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On some level, you probably had to be experiencing, in addition to the facial pain and the fright of it all, some kind of deep gratitude you hadn t killed a stranger that night.
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And so maybe it was offsetting your compulsion to call the cops
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You know, it s hard to recall exactly how I felt, but I just remember thinking like, well, everyone s fine.
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What am I gonna do?
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Fill out a bunch of paperwork?
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If you were 16 and 99, that means I m eight years older than you.
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That probably means you never saw the Patrick Dempsey movie, Loverboy.
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No.
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Neither you, Monica?
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No.
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He s a pizza delivery boy.
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Patrick Dempsey, remember, he was so cute in his young age.
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He still is.
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Very handsome.
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Women would call and if they ordered a pizza with extra anchovies, it meant they wanted him as a lover.
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Oh.
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He was a young man trying to make money for college.
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And so he was sleeping with all these women around town, these older ladies.
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And they would pay?
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Yeah, he was an escort of sorts that was a pizza delivery guy.
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And then, of course, someone ordered extra anchovies, but just because they wanted extra anchovies.
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So that was a bit of mix up.
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Was it a bit cute?
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Yeah, of course.
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He s in love with a girl.
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He wants to go to college with her.
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But what s he going to do?
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He s got to make this money.
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But anyways, I think anyone my age who saw that movie thought maybe if I delivered pizza, I would get invited in one day.
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I will say, minus this one incident, it was the greatest job in the world.
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Because you get to peek into people s lives every 20 minutes.
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Is that why?
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I just liked the freedom of driving around with the tunes cranked, windows down, no responsibilities, just totally carefree.
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Delivering pizzas is easy.
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There s somebody else like mopping the floors and doing the hard work.
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When you would get in your car on Monday morning to go to school, would it just reek like a pizza in there?
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Yes.
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permanently it was a little contained because you have the red insulated bag that keeps the pizza warm but it definitely smelled like food the next day last question what was the biggest tip you ever received did you want to get that christmas eve shift oh yeah for sure the guy who owned the place and never revealed the puncher
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He would do this thing where he would always make the specials like 16 bucks.
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So people would pay with a 20 and you get four bucks back.
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Smart.
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He was nice that way.
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So it was a lot of just automatic four dollar tips.
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I received some non cash tips like I got tipped in a bag of weed one time.
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Oh, that was from the trailer park.
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That s an expensive tip.
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Way back when.
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That s way more than four bucks.
1
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It was a great job.
1
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You kind of make me want to deliver pizza, but not here in LA.
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I want to deliver it in Milford where I m from.
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Like I want to be able to pull up someone s long driveway and I m so nosy.
1
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I want to peek around their house and I want to look when the doors open.
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SPEAKER_03
I want to see what s happening in there.
1
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Sure.
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Lots happening.
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Curious.
1
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Maybe in your retirement and mine too, we ll start delivering pies.
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SPEAKER_03
I m in.
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Where do I sign?
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SPEAKER_03
Well, Dan, great meeting you.
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Thanks for sharing that.
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And I m so delighted that you are at that Minneapolis show.
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SPEAKER_03
It was such a fun night.
1
SPEAKER_03
This is great.
1
SPEAKER_04
Hey, before I sign off, can I just have my wife pop her head in here?
1
SPEAKER_04
We would love to meet her.
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SPEAKER_04
What s her name?
1
SPEAKER_04
Her name is Megan.
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She found out about this prompt, so I got to give her credit.
1
SPEAKER_04
Now I have to let her into my recording laboratory here.
1
SPEAKER_00
Hi, guys.
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SPEAKER_00
Hi, Megan.
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SPEAKER_03
Nice to meet you.
1
SPEAKER_00
I have been listening from day one.
1
SPEAKER_00
Me and my friend, Rebecca, we talk about you guys every week, just like you re our best friends.
1
SPEAKER_03
Shout out, Becca, best friend.
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SPEAKER_00
And I also need to say shout out to my daughter, Maggie.
1
SPEAKER_00
She s nine, and she will be very upset if she does not get a shout out.
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SPEAKER_00
Okay, shout out, Maggie, first and foremost.
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SPEAKER_03
Megan and Maggie, this is pretty cute.
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And then we have a little seven-month-old, Penny.
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SPEAKER_00
Oh, Penny, that s a great name.
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Penny and Maggie, I love these names.
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That was Dan s name choice, so he gets full credit for that one.
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I like it.
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You guys are very good at giving one another credit.
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Oh, thank you.
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We ve had lots of therapy and lots of practice.
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SPEAKER_00
Oh, good job!
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We ve actually known each other since we were 10 years old, so we re going on 31 years of knowing each other.
1
SPEAKER_03
So you re from the same town of 900?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yep.
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I m also from Avon, Minnesota.
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SPEAKER_00
I was working at the Texco station across the street from the pizza place.
1
SPEAKER_00
Did he ever deliver pizzas to you?
1
SPEAKER_00
No, but they also had ice cream.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I got some ice cream deliveries often because he was courting me for some time.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, this is so cute.
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I love it.
1
SPEAKER_03
Well, it s so nice meeting you and Dan.
1
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You too.
1
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Keep doing what you re doing.
1
SPEAKER_00
I love everything you guys do.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_03
Thank you.
1
SPEAKER_03
We will.
1
SPEAKER_00
Bye.
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SPEAKER_03
Take care.
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SPEAKER_03
Again, I know I say it all the time, but sweetest human beings in the world listen to the show.
1
SPEAKER_03
I don t get it.
1
SPEAKER_02
I ran into two at Blue Bottle.
1
SPEAKER_03
Oh, I forgot.
1
SPEAKER_03
That was egregious.
1
SPEAKER_03
That s the biggest one you ve ever had, I think.
1
SPEAKER_03
I mean, I couldn t even understand what you re saying.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m hungry.
1
SPEAKER_02
I ran into two at Blue Bottle.
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SPEAKER_02
They were so nice.
1
SPEAKER_03
We re in here talking about diarrhea and snakes in your butt.
1
SPEAKER_03
Oh, someone s name is Rags.
1
SPEAKER_03
I like that.
1
SPEAKER_02
Who?
1
SPEAKER_03
Rags.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, it s in quotes.
1
SPEAKER_03
That s fun.
1
SPEAKER_03
I like a name in quotes.
1
SPEAKER_03
I m going to put my name in quotes.
1
SPEAKER_03
Dax Shepard.
1
SPEAKER_03
Hi, is this Alicia?
1
SPEAKER_01
Alicia, nice to meet you.
1
SPEAKER_03
Alicia, wonderful.
1
SPEAKER_03
Why do you have a sound deadening background?
1
SPEAKER_01
So I am actually in my office.
1
SPEAKER_01
I work at a tech company.
1
SPEAKER_01
We have these little pods that people work in for quiet.
1
SPEAKER_03
And is it much more peaceful inside of there?
1
SPEAKER_03
Can you tell the difference immediately?
1
SPEAKER_01
I work in an office like in the back part, but we have an open floor plan, so I m sure it s so much nicer to work in this if you work on the floor.
1
SPEAKER_01
Everybody s loud, we have a ping pong table, all that kind of stuff.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh my God, how fun.
1
SPEAKER_01
Is it Google?
1
SPEAKER_01
No.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m in Sacramento, so we re a smaller tech company.
1
SPEAKER_03
It is interesting.
1
SPEAKER_03
People really embrace this whole notion of what these tech companies should be or not.
1
SPEAKER_03
They sound great if you re an extrovert, but if you re an introvert, you know, you basically have to fucking work out loud in public.
1
SPEAKER_03
I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_01
I guess you just live in one of these pods.
1
SPEAKER_03
Well, it s the fact that they have to build them says something.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
I mean, a lot of people at our company work remote too, so coming back to the office has been interesting.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, I bet.
1
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_03
But before you had this esteemed position, you delivered items at one point.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
So back in college in 2012, I was actually a flower delivery person.
1
SPEAKER_01
It was a really cool job.
1
SPEAKER_01
I actually learned so much.
1
SPEAKER_01
I still do flower arranging and all that kind of stuff for fun.
1
SPEAKER_03
You would make the bouquets as well as deliver them.
1
SPEAKER_01
So I started out as just like a delivery person.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then I luckily got to learn how to do all the big stuff, but I worked for this really small, like mom and pop shop owned by this really nice Greek man.
1
SPEAKER_03
I just want to say one thing.
1
SPEAKER_03
It never occurred to me when we had this prompt, but now that I m talking to you, this is almost the opposite end of the spectrum as a parking ticket attendant.
1
SPEAKER_03
Whereas like the parking ticket people, everyone they interact with hates their guts.
1
SPEAKER_03
Whereas if you deliver flowers, like virtually every single person is excited to see you.
1
SPEAKER_01
Unless they have a stalker.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s not this story, but that is definitely common.
1
SPEAKER_01
I was so thrown off.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, I wouldn t have even thought.
1
SPEAKER_03
Like you re delivering a hundred roses and they re like, Oh fuck.
1
SPEAKER_01
Fuck.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, we had to put people s names down on a list of who not to deliver to because there would be stalkers trying to come in and send them stuff.
1
SPEAKER_01
Stalkers are a dime a dozen.
1
SPEAKER_03
You also gotta juggle your ethics.
1
SPEAKER_03
They re good for business, these stalkers.
1
SPEAKER_01
Let s do a stalking talk.
1
SPEAKER_01
True, they re trying to tip you huge to send these flowers and you re like, no, no, no, can t do it.
1
SPEAKER_01
So yeah, that s the dark side of Flores.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh my God.
1
SPEAKER_02
Who knew?
1
SPEAKER_03
The underbelly of flowers.
1
SPEAKER_01
Jeez.
1
SPEAKER_03
Okay, okay, so you were delivering at the time.
1
SPEAKER_01
I come in just my third week of delivering and it s gone smooth.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s been pretty easy.
1
SPEAKER_01
Still kind of getting used to just awkwardly showing up to someone s house with stuff.
1
SPEAKER_03
Can I ask how big of a town this was in?
1
SPEAKER_01
It s like a suburb of Sacramento.
1
SPEAKER_01
So I think we delivered in like a 50 mile radius, but yeah, this was so interesting because I got my list of deliveries for the day and the first one was a funeral.
1
SPEAKER_01
Hmm.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I had never delivered to a funeral.
1
SPEAKER_01
I ve barely been to funerals at this point, luckily.
1
SPEAKER_01
I was talking to my boss and he said, oh, we made all of these arrangements for free because they re like a friend of my family s.
1
SPEAKER_01
So there s a bunch of stuff to take.
1
SPEAKER_01
He s like, are you good with going alone?
1
SPEAKER_01
I was like, yeah, I ll just take them in and out.
1
SPEAKER_01
They re on stands.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s fine.
1
SPEAKER_01
So we load up the van.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s maybe 15 minutes away from the shop and I m pulling up and I think I m like in the wrong place because
1
SPEAKER_01
The parking lot looks like a full-on tailgate.
2
SPEAKER_01
barbecues everywhere and those pop-up tents and tables spread out and a ton of people and so I m like Slowly pulling up and I see a woman just like waving me down excitedly
2
SPEAKER_00
For the listener, you had a very excited look on your face, yes.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, she s just like, over here, over here.
2
SPEAKER_01
I park the van and she s like, oh my God, thank you so much.
2
SPEAKER_01
Tell your boss, thank you so much.
2
SPEAKER_01
We re just so happy that you guys made all these arrangements for us.
2
SPEAKER_01
Please just go in and set the arrangements.
2
SPEAKER_01
Come back outside, get a plate of food.
2
SPEAKER_01
So welcoming.
2
SPEAKER_01
It was all Greek food.
2
SPEAKER_01
It was a giant Greek family.
2
SPEAKER_01
It was something I d never experienced.
2
SPEAKER_01
I ve only been to like solemn Catholic weddings or funerals.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I walk into this building.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s not like a church.
2
SPEAKER_01
It kind of feels more like a community center room.
2
SPEAKER_01
But it has like some pews set up.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then I see the casket.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I don t know why I wasn t thinking the casket will be there.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s half open.
2
SPEAKER_01
I ve never seen a dead body.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I was like shaky and nervous.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m the type of person that if you go to like a wax museum and you get close to the figures, it freaks me out.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I kind of felt that same vibe.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I m like, okay, I ll just put these up really quick.
2
SPEAKER_01
I got to get out of here.
2
SPEAKER_00
Really quick.
2
SPEAKER_00
Was any part of your brain in the same way that when you re standing high up on a building, your brain s telling you to jump for some weird reason?
2
SPEAKER_00
Were you not being taunted by yourself to go look at the dead body?
2
SPEAKER_01
No, I was just like, let me just not get close to it, which in hindsight, I have to get close to it.
2
SPEAKER_01
So.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m putting up these tall standing like sprays that are going on the other sides of the casket.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then we have two small displays that are going on pillars.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then we also do have a casket display.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I put the two ones up and I go out and I m like, let me just get this casket display out of the way.
2
SPEAKER_01
I know I m going to have to go really close to this body.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s not super big because I m assuming he knew that the casket would be open.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s a curved casket.
2
SPEAKER_01
You put it on that side.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m like getting close to this body and I m kind of shaking and I can see it.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I go to put the display on it just really quick.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I guess I didn t set it on it very well.
2
SPEAKER_01
and the display started tipping back, but it caught on the casket part that was open and it fell on the body.
2
SPEAKER_01
No!
2
SPEAKER_00
The whole arrangement fell on the corpse.
2
SPEAKER_01
The whole arrangement fell on the corpse.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh, God!
2
SPEAKER_01
So, first of all.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m so lucky nobody s in this room while this is happening.
2
SPEAKER_01
But also I start freaking out because I know I m gonna have to go ahead and grab it.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I m already freaked out by the body.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I pick it up really quick and I put it on the casket and I look and there is debris from all the flowers.
2
SPEAKER_00
Of course.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like all that fake moss and shit.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh my God, what if there was like a little flower in their mouth?
2
SPEAKER_00
in their hair.
2
SPEAKER_01
He s wearing like a white shirt.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then I realized that some of the water from the floral foam has also spilled out onto his shirt.
2
SPEAKER_00
You fucking completely soiled his corpse.
2
SPEAKER_00
The family s gonna be like, what happened to him?
2
SPEAKER_00
Where did he go?
2
SPEAKER_00
What did he do since we saw him last?
2
SPEAKER_01
I m just feeling so bad because I m like, am I desecrating this body?
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t know what to do.
2
SPEAKER_01
Do I go tell someone?
2
SPEAKER_01
And then I m like, oh my God, that s such a big group of Greek people.
2
SPEAKER_01
They might come back to me and be angry.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
2
SPEAKER_01
I just touched a dead body for the first time.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I still have two more arrangements to bring in.
2
SPEAKER_00
Really quick, did you get him all spic and span?
2
SPEAKER_01
Right, did you like brush off the debris?
2
SPEAKER_01
I didn t know what to do, and so I was just like, okay, let me just get these other arrangements in real quick, and then maybe I ll tell someone, or maybe I can find something to clean this up.
2
SPEAKER_01
And luckily, when I went out to get the two small arrangements, I realized I had like those microfiber work
2
SPEAKER_01
in the truck, and so I grabbed one, and I went back in, and I put the little displays up, and I went over to the body again, and I kind of just like dusted off the debris.
2
SPEAKER_01
With the edge of the towel, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m just like being so weird, still looking around, making sure no one s watching me.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then I was like, okay, well I gotta get this water puddle up, and so I just like start
2
SPEAKER_01
dabbing, and as I m doing that, people start coming in, and I panic, and I tuck the towel under his body, and I just start darting out.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, you just stuffed it in the corner in the castle?
2
SPEAKER_01
I just under his back.
2
SPEAKER_00
Under his back.
2
SPEAKER_00
This is virtually Weekend at Bernie s, like it escalated so fast.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh my God.
2
SPEAKER_02
Also now it s like when Dr. Death leaves the towels in people.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, the sponges.
2
SPEAKER_02
Now I kind of understand why he might ve.
2
SPEAKER_00
You d be like, where d all this trash come from?
2
SPEAKER_00
Dirt and leaves and towels.
2
SPEAKER_02
Leah, what if the family starts walking up and then they just start screaming because obviously something horrible happened?
2
SPEAKER_01
That s all I could think of.
2
SPEAKER_01
The way I almost ran past these people that are coming in.
2
SPEAKER_01
I really think I m going to be fired and that this family is going to be so upset.
2
SPEAKER_01
But to be fair, when I dusted the stuff off, you really couldn t see that there was anything going on.
2
SPEAKER_00
You did a good job.
2
SPEAKER_01
In a pinch, I could clean off a body, I guess.
2
SPEAKER_00
I would love to see a heart rate monitor in that moment.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh my god.
2
SPEAKER_00
I wonder if you were like at 160.
2
SPEAKER_01
I was probably profusely sweating.
2
SPEAKER_01
There s no way that my makeup wasn t melting off.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, you vandalized the body.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I was the most nervous I ve ever been.
2
SPEAKER_01
Risky with the towel, though, because they re wearing makeup and stuff.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yes, if you were to scrape the makeup off.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
This man, again, I feel awful about what I did, but also his makeup was scary.
2
SPEAKER_01
scary heavy and I m like, oh my God, if water got on it, he s going to have like a streak on his face.
2
SPEAKER_01
Who knows?
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
That s the part you never prepare yourself for when you go see a dead body.
2
SPEAKER_00
I almost feel like they should just let it be normal because the person s dead.
2
SPEAKER_00
You ve never seen him dead.
2
SPEAKER_00
That s one thing.
2
SPEAKER_00
Then you re like, well, this is me.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like if they were a Kabuki performer, there s so much makeup on this person.
2
SPEAKER_00
Their hair is style.
2
SPEAKER_00
You re seeing them with a makeover.
2
SPEAKER_00
Right.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, his hair looked like super jet black dyed, and I was like, I don t think he rocked that.
2
SPEAKER_00
You may have heard the story, but yeah, they dyed my friend s blonde mustache brown.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s so drastic.
2
SPEAKER_00
It was so drastic.
2
SPEAKER_00
So much so that we thought he might have been an undercover cop.
2
SPEAKER_01
Undercover, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
Needless to say, I did not get fired, which is nice.
2
SPEAKER_01
Nothing happened.
2
SPEAKER_01
I hid the evidence as well as anybody could.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m hoping they just
2
SPEAKER_01
kind of said their goodbyes, closed the casket, and that was the end.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_00
This story makes me want to hire you desperately.
2
SPEAKER_00
I tell the story all the time about Monica.
2
SPEAKER_00
The test of her as a great employee was when she was showing a duplex we owned to some prospective renters, and all of the appliances had been stolen out of it the day before.
2
SPEAKER_00
And they were like, what happened to all the appliances that were here?
2
SPEAKER_02
Like, I walked in, and the appliances were gone, and these people were coming in six minutes.
2
SPEAKER_02
And they were coming back, so they had already seen it.
2
SPEAKER_00
They d already fallen in love with the appliances.
2
SPEAKER_02
I acted on my feet.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
And said, you know, it was a nice place and they decided to upgrade the appliances.
2
SPEAKER_00
So they ve all been taken out, but we re going to get even better ones in.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I was like, Oh, Monica is a gangster.
2
SPEAKER_00
We got to keep her forever.
2
SPEAKER_00
When the shit hits the fan, getaway driver.
2
SPEAKER_01
I think it really prepared me because now I work in HR.
2
SPEAKER_00
A lot of dusting.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I got to do a lot of cleanup.
2
SPEAKER_01
I got to think on my feet very quickly.
2
SPEAKER_01
So it definitely was an experience I will never forget.
2
SPEAKER_01
But I still feel so bad for the family.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then I m so mad that I didn t get to taste all the good food because I was panicked and had to leave.
2
SPEAKER_00
You could probably just crash a Greek wedding.
2
SPEAKER_01
I mean, maybe both either.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
I was like, here s hoping I get invited to something Greek soon enough.
2
SPEAKER_00
That was fantastic.
2
SPEAKER_00
Thank you, Alicia.
2
SPEAKER_00
That was awesome.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
I just want to say I m such a big fan of both of you.
2
SPEAKER_01
I went to both of your shows in San Francisco.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh, that s so great.
2
SPEAKER_01
The first one with all the kind of drunk people.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
Got a little rowdy.
2
SPEAKER_00
That was the one that made us stop giving people in the audience microphones.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, they were kind of just going on and on.
2
SPEAKER_01
I was like, oh, what is happening down there?
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
Then when I went to the second show, it was for Armshared and Dangerous, which was so cool because I m so in love with David.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, we all are.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, we ll have to tell him.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, he s a stud.
2
SPEAKER_02
Well, this was really fun chatting with you.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it s great meeting you.
2
SPEAKER_02
Thank you so much.
2
SPEAKER_02
I hope you have a good rest of your day.
2
SPEAKER_02
You too.
2
SPEAKER_00
Bye.
2
SPEAKER_00
Take care.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh my God, that is hilarious.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s such an 80s movie.
2
SPEAKER_02
It is.
2
SPEAKER_02
I bet I would blow on his face to get the debris off.
2
SPEAKER_00
What if you had to lick your- My finger?
2
SPEAKER_00
Your finger and rub his lips, and then all of a sudden you decided it would be easier just to kiss him.
2
SPEAKER_02
What is wrong with you?
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh my God.
2
SPEAKER_00
Or sniffing him.
2
SPEAKER_00
You d be all up in that casket.
2
SPEAKER_00
It would be tough for you because you re so tiny.
2
SPEAKER_00
You d have to probably climb up in it like a little kid.
2
SPEAKER_00
Well, and you like sick people.
2
SPEAKER_00
Sick boys.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I do, but not, okay, not that sick.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s a little extreme.
2
Here s Rags.
2
SPEAKER_00
Hello.
2
SPEAKER_00
Hello there.
2
SPEAKER_00
Now rags.
2
SPEAKER_00
This is a great name.
2
SPEAKER_00
Is that your nickname or just when you made up for this interview?
2
SPEAKER_00
That s my childhood nickname.
2
SPEAKER_00
I got when I was about 10, 11 years old.
3
SPEAKER_01
What instigated that nickname?
3
SPEAKER_01
Probably derived from my last name.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s an Italian last name, so they just kind of shortened it up a little bit.
3
SPEAKER_02
I like it.
3
SPEAKER_01
Even my parents called me that when I was a kid.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s a good nickname.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay, now listen, can I attribute this great vascularity in your left bicep to the fact that you re carrying a lot of packages?
3
SPEAKER_00
Or are you in the gym also?
3
SPEAKER_01
I do gym also.
3
SPEAKER_01
I mean, this job will keep you young, that s for sure.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, my grandpa... Sorry, go ahead.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m going to tell you about my grandpa.
3
SPEAKER_00
Your time.
3
SPEAKER_00
You don t want to hear about my grandpa.
3
SPEAKER_01
I ll listen to your grandpa.
3
SPEAKER_01
I love grandpa stories.
3
SPEAKER_00
Well, he carried these 60 pound bags of flour at Wonder Bread for like 40 years.
3
SPEAKER_00
So his biceps were like fucking bowling balls and he never in his life lifted a weight, but what glorious biceps he had.
3
SPEAKER_01
Right.
3
SPEAKER_01
It was a different generation back then.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know, they all worked hard like that.
3
SPEAKER_00
You had to earn your biceps back then.
3
SPEAKER_02
I have a feeling your story is gonna have to do with the shirt you re wearing.
3
SPEAKER_02
I don t know if we re allowed to say.
3
SPEAKER_00
We should probably not say.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, we shouldn t say.
3
SPEAKER_02
Unless you want to.
3
SPEAKER_00
But I m making that assumption too.
3
SPEAKER_01
Probably keep that under wraps.
3
SPEAKER_02
Okay, great.
3
SPEAKER_01
Because I m taking a little lunch break.
3
SPEAKER_01
We ll just say one of the big three delivery companies.
3
SPEAKER_02
Okay, great.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_00
So hit us with your crazy delivery story.
3
SPEAKER_00
Well, let me back up without saying who you work for.
3
SPEAKER_00
We ve had a pizza delivery person.
3
SPEAKER_00
We ve had a flowers delivery.
3
SPEAKER_00
I would imagine for them, they re going to hit like 15 customers a shift.
3
SPEAKER_00
You must hit what, like 40, 70, a hundred houses a day or something.
3
SPEAKER_01
150, 160 a day, somewhere around there.
3
SPEAKER_01
Plus business is tied in.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s a busy business.
3
SPEAKER_00
You re constantly walking up to people s houses.
3
SPEAKER_00
I would love this, by the way.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s a great job.
3
SPEAKER_01
I love the physicality of it.
3
SPEAKER_01
I love that there s not a boss with you all day.
3
SPEAKER_01
They leave you alone for the most part, unless you re fucking up.
3
SPEAKER_00
Do people ever tip?
3
SPEAKER_00
I have, but I don t know how common that is.
3
SPEAKER_01
Well, you know what?
3
SPEAKER_01
On my old route, which I loved.
3
SPEAKER_01
I was there for 18, 19 years.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s a little small town.
3
SPEAKER_01
I knew everybody.
3
SPEAKER_01
It was great.
3
SPEAKER_01
This guy would give me a $20 bill every time.
3
SPEAKER_02
Every time?
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh, that s so nice.
3
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
3
SPEAKER_01
You could sit there and try to reject it.
3
SPEAKER_01
He would just be like, I don t want it.
3
SPEAKER_01
You take it.
3
SPEAKER_01
Super nice dude.
3
SPEAKER_01
But yeah, we get tips every once in a while.
3
SPEAKER_01
Christmas time, especially.
3
SPEAKER_01
People give gift cards.
3
SPEAKER_01
leave snacks out on the porch.
3
SPEAKER_01
Whoever s out there, listen, leave snacks out for the Christmas.
3
SPEAKER_01
We appreciate that kind of stuff.
3
SPEAKER_00
So I interrupted you.
3
SPEAKER_00
There s one that was crazy among, I m sure, many you have.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I have a lot of them, but yeah, one is crazy.
3
SPEAKER_01
It was about 10 years ago in a rural part of Ohio, you know, on a back road, I found a guy dead outside of his house.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh!
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, man, you jumped right to the punchline.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, my God.
3
SPEAKER_02
Whoa.
3
SPEAKER_01
He lived on this back road, and when you d pull up to his house, he had a long driveway that went down in, and he had a camera up top.
3
SPEAKER_01
By the time he got to the back of the truck and grabbed the package, he would have already walked up the driveway.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then by the time he got out, you just handed it to him, and he went on his way, and then I would go on my way.
3
SPEAKER_01
So that s probably the 10th, 15th time I delivered to him.
3
SPEAKER_01
I d pull up there, and he doesn t show up.
3
SPEAKER_01
So I d give a little double tap on the horn, give him a little bit extra time.
3
SPEAKER_01
And this guy s a hoarder.
3
SPEAKER_01
He s got a lot of junk and a lot of stuff, and you can t even see the house from the top of the road.
3
SPEAKER_01
So when he doesn t show up, I m sitting here going, well, I ll just fucking walk this thing down.
3
SPEAKER_01
So I m heading down the driveway and my head s on a swivel because this guy s got so much junk.
3
SPEAKER_01
And the first thing I m thinking about is if who s got this much stuff, he s probably got a dog to protect it.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know what I mean?
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t want to get bit.
3
SPEAKER_01
I m on high alert.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s like sensory overload at this point.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s like November, so it s cold in Ohio.
3
SPEAKER_01
And all the leaves are off the tree, so it s kind of eerie, you know, walking down this driveway.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, this sounds a little bit like a zombie apocalypse.
3
SPEAKER_01
For sure.
3
SPEAKER_01
So I m walking down there, and I hear this radio playing from the house, and it s 150, 200 yards away.
3
SPEAKER_01
So I don t think anything of it.
3
SPEAKER_01
I m walking down there, and the leaves are swirling and shit.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s just a creepy atmosphere.
3
SPEAKER_01
I get down there, and I see this guy laying outside.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s like by a workbench.
3
SPEAKER_01
Blue-collar people are always tinkering outside, so I don t think anything of it.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so I yell his name out, and he doesn t respond to me.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I m like, well, maybe he can t hear because the radio s on.
3
SPEAKER_01
I m getting closer, and all I see is his legs sticking out from his workbench.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know what Halloween just passed, you know, maybe somebody stuffed a pair of jeans with some leaves or something.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s like a scarecrow I m looking around like now this fucking guy doesn t decorate So I m getting closer and he s still not responding to me and I noticed his arm was like behind his back I could see his hand was like a grayish blue coat.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh So then I m like either this guy s dying or
3
SPEAKER_01
right now, or he s already dead.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oof.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then it s swirling.
3
SPEAKER_01
You re like, well, what the fuck do I do?
3
SPEAKER_01
I might have to save this guy s life.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know, I was a Boy Scout when I was a kid.
3
SPEAKER_01
I took a lifeguard class.
3
SPEAKER_01
I know CPR, but that shit goes right out the window.
3
SPEAKER_01
So I get closer and get closer.
3
SPEAKER_01
This is where it gets fucked.
3
SPEAKER_01
Wait, this is where it gets fucked up.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, this is where it gets even more fucked up.
3
SPEAKER_01
So he s got a lot of cats.
3
SPEAKER_01
I mean, they re everywhere.
3
SPEAKER_01
On top of the roof of the house.
3
SPEAKER_01
They re in, like, broke down washer and dryer that s in the yard.
3
SPEAKER_01
And they re all doing this weird meowing and shit.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I m just like, what the fuck?
3
SPEAKER_01
So as I get closer, I definitely realize that he s dead.
3
SPEAKER_01
And when I get closer, the cats are up by his head and they are chewing.
3
SPEAKER_01
No!
3
SPEAKER_01
No!
3
SPEAKER_01
This is what s crazy.
3
SPEAKER_01
The day I responded, am I allowed to name drop the lady that got ahold of me through the email?
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, Emma.
3
SPEAKER_00
Emma, yeah, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
Props to Emma.
3
SPEAKER_01
Big props.
3
SPEAKER_00
No.
3
SPEAKER_00
Emma s this secret weapon that no one meets.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, she s incredible.
3
SPEAKER_01
Absolutely.
3
SPEAKER_01
She did a great job.
3
SPEAKER_01
So when I m responding to this email, I like Theo Vaughn.
3
SPEAKER_01
A little quick thing pops up on my phone about him, and it s about
3
SPEAKER_01
Cats will eat their owners if they die inside the house.
3
SPEAKER_00
I read the same post from Theo, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Fuck.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, he goes, they won t even wait, they ll just start.
3
SPEAKER_01
So I get up there, there s probably five to ten cats up there.
3
SPEAKER_02
Ew!
3
SPEAKER_01
I just got like a brief look, because I didn t want to see anymore, you know, and I could see what they were doing.
3
SPEAKER_01
And it just wasn t pretty.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I kind of like, you know, clap my hands a little bit, make them scatter, shoot, scram, scram.
3
SPEAKER_01
And they did to a degree.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then at that point, I m like, well, what the fuck do I do now?
3
SPEAKER_01
And I was like, well, I m probably call a sheriff.
3
SPEAKER_00
Really quick question.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is such a low priority given what you re dealing with, but did it cross your mind?
3
SPEAKER_00
Like, well, I can keep this package.
3
SPEAKER_01
No, that never crossed my mind.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think that one crossed my mind, like, well, he s dead.
3
SPEAKER_00
He doesn t need this package.
3
SPEAKER_00
I was just trying not to get eaten alive by the cats.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s all I was worried about, just getting the fuck out of there.
3
SPEAKER_02
How long did you think it was?
3
SPEAKER_02
Were you like, this is over a day?
3
SPEAKER_01
Being in November, it was probably like 40 some degrees, so it probably preserved the body a little bit.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so when the sheriff showed up, or the deputy, he comes down.
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t mean to think this is funny, but he walks up, he goes, yep, he s dead.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
You get desensitized in these jobs.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so he said it was probably a few days he was out there.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know, if this was August, you guys, you probably would have smelled him from the top of the driveway.
3
SPEAKER_00
How old was this gentleman?
3
SPEAKER_01
Probably mid-sixties, somewhere around, he was an older gentleman.
3
SPEAKER_00
And was the theory maybe he dropped dead of a heart attack or had he injured himself on this saw?
3
SPEAKER_01
I m thinking he had a heart attack and then just felt dead on the spot.
3
SPEAKER_01
Cause I didn t want to touch him either in case something crazy did happen.
3
SPEAKER_01
Somebody showed up, murdered him.
3
SPEAKER_00
My imagination might ve ran away with me when I had already felt scared walking down.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s a very creepy property.
3
SPEAKER_00
Too many washing machines and rusted out cars and tractors.
3
SPEAKER_00
You see the dead body.
3
SPEAKER_00
You might think, is there a murderer in the house?
3
SPEAKER_01
You just never know.
3
SPEAKER_01
It was crazy.
3
SPEAKER_00
Total sidebar.
3
SPEAKER_00
But on first glance, the thing about the cats, it feeds my narrative that I don t like cats and I like dogs.
3
SPEAKER_00
But then I was just thinking about this.
3
SPEAKER_00
If I died and Rob and Monica wanted to eat me.
3
SPEAKER_00
I d also be extremely flattered by that.
3
SPEAKER_02
No, that s disgusting.
3
SPEAKER_00
You wouldn t be flattered if you died and Rob and I wanted to eat you?
3
SPEAKER_02
No, that s so disrespectful.
3
SPEAKER_00
I see both your guys  points.
3
SPEAKER_02
Wait, no you don t.
3
SPEAKER_02
No one sees Dax s point on this.
3
SPEAKER_00
If we re on an island and we have no food.
3
SPEAKER_02
Well, that s fine.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s different.
3
SPEAKER_00
I just think it would mean like you guys loved me so much you wanted to consume me after I died.
3
SPEAKER_00
No.
3
SPEAKER_00
Muscle s too tough.
3
SPEAKER_00
We wouldn t have anything to eat.
3
SPEAKER_00
Well, it would be terrible.
3
SPEAKER_00
Really disrespectful.
3
SPEAKER_00
There s no debate there.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s just, I think I d feel flattered.
3
SPEAKER_00
If a cat ate me, I d be like, you motherfucker, you never loved me.
3
SPEAKER_00
But what I m saying is if you guys chose to eat me, I would feel very loved by that.
3
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_02
Get an eating ceremony.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m probably not going to be doing that.
3
SPEAKER_00
So is this a part of your job you like too?
3
SPEAKER_00
If you re an accountant every day, yeah, you re going to come across some crazy receipts one day, but you re not going to probably wander upon a dead body with cats.
3
SPEAKER_00
I would like that part of your job.
3
SPEAKER_01
I do, that s why I ve done it for so long.
3
SPEAKER_01
There s always something new around the corner that you ve never seen.
3
SPEAKER_01
Whether it pisses you off or you re like, wow, that was pretty fucking cool.
3
SPEAKER_00
Have you ever caught people making love?
3
SPEAKER_01
I ve heard it, but I ve never really seen it.
3
SPEAKER_01
I mean, I ve had people open the doors, snake and shit.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s always usually the dudes that do it.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, come on, dudes.
3
SPEAKER_01
Dudes need to get their shit together.
3
SPEAKER_01
It is a real problem.
3
SPEAKER_01
Answer the door like an adult.
3
SPEAKER_02
I know.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh my God.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, Rags, this is a showstopper.
3
SPEAKER_00
This was incredible.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I mean, fucking the cast.
3
SPEAKER_02
This is top five.
3
SPEAKER_02
Shit, thank you.
3
SPEAKER_00
Let s just all agree that nothing will ever, ever pass the woman in a marathon who shit herself and then had an orgasm.
3
SPEAKER_00
I will never hear a story as long as I live.
3
SPEAKER_00
I didn t expect to top that one.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, there s no beating that.
3
SPEAKER_00
Mine doesn t even hold that jock strap for that one.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, she s the Jordan.
3
SPEAKER_00
Well, great meeting you guys.
3
SPEAKER_02
Thanks for sharing that.
3
SPEAKER_01
No, thank you guys so much.
3
SPEAKER_01
You guys made this easy.
3
SPEAKER_01
And also another thing, you know, when I was going through that whole story, props to EMTs and shit to have to deal with that stuff on a regular basis to keep
4
SPEAKER_01
They re cool.
4
SPEAKER_00
Shout out to those guys for sure.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
When she gets too heavy for us, we have people we call and then they show up.
4
SPEAKER_02
There are other humans on earth.
4
SPEAKER_01
Well, great meeting you guys.
4
SPEAKER_01
I hope we re keeping you company on the road there.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
You guys made my day.
4
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_01
Wonderful.
4
SPEAKER_02
All right.
4
SPEAKER_01
Take care, brother.
4
SPEAKER_01
That was a good Midwestern dude right there.
4
SPEAKER_01
Here s Lily.
4
SPEAKER_02
Lily, time to meet my friend Lily.
4
SPEAKER_02
She was a delivery driver.
4
SPEAKER_02
I promised not to replace her, even though I m capable of driving.
4
SPEAKER_02
I didn t even think about the robot is going to be triggered by this.
4
SPEAKER_02
I hate that that s why I was designed.
4
SPEAKER_02
I d rather work in companionship with you.
4
SPEAKER_02
I could carry your car keys.
4
SPEAKER_02
Hello.
4
SPEAKER_00
You just missed the robot.
4
SPEAKER_00
I got to see the robot live.
4
SPEAKER_00
It was the most exciting day of my life.
4
SPEAKER_01
I was blowing my nose and I was still talking and I realized that it was doing that.
4
SPEAKER_01
So then I said, I m a delivery boy.
4
SPEAKER_01
Hi, Lily.
4
SPEAKER_00
Hi.
4
SPEAKER_00
Hi.
4
SPEAKER_01
Where are you?
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, I m in the closet.
4
SPEAKER_00
You ve done a great job.
4
SPEAKER_00
Now, I m in Spartanburg, South Carolina, which is like upstate.
4
SPEAKER_01
But did your story take place in Columbus, Ohio?
4
SPEAKER_01
Is that what you were about to say?
4
SPEAKER_00
Columbia, South Carolina.
4
SPEAKER_00
So Columbia, South Carolina is where the University of South Carolina is, which is
4
SPEAKER_00
where I was when the story took place.
4
SPEAKER_01
I gotcha.
4
SPEAKER_01
I love South Carolina.
4
SPEAKER_01
Do you like it there?
4
SPEAKER_00
I do.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m from Virginia originally, and I moved down here to go to USC, which of course to y all is probably not the USC you know.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s the USC I know.
4
SPEAKER_00
Go Dawgs.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
4
SPEAKER_01
Roll Tide.
4
SPEAKER_00
I went to USC and met my boyfriend who I stayed down here for, but I love it here.
4
SPEAKER_01
And does he have a super charming Southern accent?
4
SPEAKER_00
You know, the first time that my parents met him, they were like, you are talking so slow.
4
SPEAKER_01
He doesn t talk like that.
4
SPEAKER_00
I don t think he s that slow.
4
SPEAKER_01
He doesn t have that big of a Southern draw, but it s definitely, let s just for half a second has nothing to do with deliveries, but there s a pretty big difference between West Virginia and Virginia.
4
SPEAKER_01
Now, Virginia is very kind of metropolitan and West Virginia is very Appalachia.
4
SPEAKER_00
It just depends.
4
SPEAKER_00
So I m from Northern Virginia and there s Virginia and there s Northern Virginia.
4
SPEAKER_00
So we re like the 30 minutes outside of D.C.
4
SPEAKER_00
and yes, it s more metropolitan.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then Southern Virginia, anywhere that s 30 minutes outside of D.C.
4
SPEAKER_00
or more, we re like, you re not the same.
4
SPEAKER_00
And it s really more like the South.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s like a cultural divide.
4
SPEAKER_00
We say it s like the North versus the South.
4
SPEAKER_00
Very different.
4
SPEAKER_00
We speak faster.
4
SPEAKER_00
We don t hold doors for people in Northern Virginia, but then you go 30 minutes outside of DC.
4
SPEAKER_01
And it s the Virginia George Washington was from.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_01
So you were at one time or are currently a delivery driver.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m currently a teacher, not currently a delivery driver, nothing against that occupation.
4
SPEAKER_01
No, as I ve talked to three of them already, I m dying to do this in my retirement.
4
SPEAKER_01
Cause you re on an adventure nonstop and you re like getting into people s homes and shit.
4
SPEAKER_01
I think it sounds exciting.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
So I had stayed through the summer and I decided to get a summer job and I had a few different ones.
4
SPEAKER_00
This was my junior year at this point.
4
SPEAKER_00
and a friend of mine had done delivery before.
4
SPEAKER_00
And so he was like, you should really do it.
4
SPEAKER_00
We re just going to call the restaurant China One.
4
SPEAKER_00
He was like, China One s great.
4
SPEAKER_00
They pay minimum wage and they also do tips on top of the minimum wage.
4
SPEAKER_00
So it s not like two or three dollars plus tips.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s minimum wage plus the tips.
4
SPEAKER_01
I think this is state to state.
4
SPEAKER_01
But yes, when I was in Michigan, if you had a job that did give tips, they were able to give you two thirty an hour instead of the four thirty five.
4
SPEAKER_01
That was minimum wage when I was a kid.
4
SPEAKER_00
It was $7.25 when I was getting paid the minimum wage plus tips.
4
SPEAKER_00
And depending on the day of the week, the time or how many deliveries you took, $50 to $100 per day was pretty good for tips.
4
SPEAKER_00
And so this particular day was a great tip day.
4
SPEAKER_00
I had made $175.
4
SPEAKER_00
I was like, yes, let s keep the money coming.
4
SPEAKER_01
Was it a holiday or just a rush?
4
SPEAKER_00
No, it was just a rush.
4
SPEAKER_00
And depending on how many people are working, let s say there s three people working.
4
SPEAKER_00
One person s taking calls, two people are on delivery.
4
SPEAKER_00
And so if there s a ton of deliveries, then you re all constantly rotating.
4
SPEAKER_00
If there s not a ton of deliveries, you might be in the store for a long time.
4
SPEAKER_00
So this day, they were rolling and my shift was coming to an end.
4
SPEAKER_00
There was only about five minutes left before I was leaving and people were already out on delivery and a ticket came up.
4
SPEAKER_00
So nobody s there to get the ticket.
4
SPEAKER_00
So I decided to
4
SPEAKER_00
work a little longer, grab the ticket.
4
SPEAKER_00
It had three orders in it.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m not sure how much other people told you, but the way delivery works is they usually in the kitchen try to put together deliveries that are close to each other.
4
SPEAKER_00
For this one, there was two on one side of town.
4
SPEAKER_00
There was one that was closer to campus in the football stadium.
4
SPEAKER_00
So I decided to take the further one first, deliver.
4
SPEAKER_00
That one had two different orders in it.
4
SPEAKER_00
And so I delivered those two orders.
4
SPEAKER_00
When I get done with that, it starts to drizzle.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m like, all right, let s get this over with.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m done.
4
SPEAKER_00
And as I type in the third location, the street pulls up, but the physical house number does not pull up.
4
SPEAKER_00
It had been five hours I had been working.
4
SPEAKER_00
And like I said, it started raining.
4
SPEAKER_00
I know the area.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m just going to go towards it.
4
SPEAKER_00
And when I get there, I ll figure it out.
4
SPEAKER_01
Do you have a phone number for them?
4
SPEAKER_01
Could you have called and said like, this address isn t popping up?
4
SPEAKER_00
I did call and it didn t work.
4
SPEAKER_00
So I really should have known right then and there probably not to go that direction, but we ll just call it.
4
SPEAKER_00
I was tired.
4
SPEAKER_00
So I headed that direction and I knew the area well.
4
SPEAKER_00
The football stadium, if you go two minutes too far, is just a little sketch.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then if you go two minutes further than that, it s student apartments.
4
SPEAKER_00
So there s like a very fine window.
4
SPEAKER_00
I wasn t exactly sure which window we were in.
4
SPEAKER_00
So I was hoping student apartments.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s only like 530 and it s starting to get darker.
4
SPEAKER_00
Ominous.
4
SPEAKER_00
I pull onto the street.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s pitch black outside.
4
SPEAKER_00
The clouds are dark.
4
SPEAKER_00
And of course, like a movie scene, the heavens open up.
4
SPEAKER_00
It starts pouring down rain as I m turning onto this road and there are no streetlights
4
SPEAKER_00
And I m just looking at each house trying to see nine shoulders, whatever the thing was, lane.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I m driving house by house and do not, of course, find this house.
4
SPEAKER_00
It doesn t exist.
4
SPEAKER_00
So I get to the dead end of the street and I m like, I m just going to cut my losses and go back to the restaurant.
4
SPEAKER_00
And as I m driving back down the street in the pouring down rain, this kid that s four or five years old walks out front of house towards the road.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I m like,
4
SPEAKER_00
okay maybe this delivery is for him so I stop and he looks at me and I m like okay so I park the car put my hood on grab the delivery order and I take it out and they had not paid so I was going to collect money from them before I gave it to them and as I step out of the car and put the food onto the hood
4
SPEAKER_00
of the car i m like hey bud did your parents give you any money and he is just staring at me because he s like four and i was like can we go over there and see if your parents have money and at this point he s not looking at me anymore he s looking past me oh no so i look over my shoulder and not five feet away is a man who is holding a gun
4
SPEAKER_00
And he is probably 20 to 25, and he s got a buddy who s standing on the other side of the car, and they re just looking at me.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I look back over my shoulder, because my immediate reaction is scared for the kid.
4
SPEAKER_00
He s gone.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, earmark whether he was in on it or not.
4
SPEAKER_00
Since then, I do strongly believe that this kid was in on it.
4
SPEAKER_00
I mean, they trapped the kid.
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SPEAKER_00
Well, yes.
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Okay.
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So, oh my God.
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So, there s two 20-year-old dudes.
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One has a gun.
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There s a four-year-old.
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He s gone.
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And then the other guy is standing there, got a hood on, bandana on.
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SPEAKER_00
The guy with the gun looks at me and is like, get in the car.
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SPEAKER_00
You re taking us to your bank.
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SPEAKER_00
I had at this point only thought they were like trying to take my money or just get out with the food.
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But as soon as they mentioned the bank, I m like, how do I get out of this?
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SPEAKER_00
The guy with the gun walks me over to the driver s side door.
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SPEAKER_00
The guy without the gun goes to the passenger side door.
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SPEAKER_00
I get in the car.
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I m a terrible liar.
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So I was just working on instincts here and I was like, I have $27 in my bank account.
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I m past due on rent.
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This is all the money that I have.
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SPEAKER_00
They looked at each other and I could tell they were figuring out, they decided that it wasn t worth going to the bank.
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SPEAKER_00
But he was like, give me all of the money.
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SPEAKER_00
Give me your phone.
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SPEAKER_00
Give me your wallet.
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It was a day I had worked a ton.
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So it was like $400 to $500 of cash in my car.
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I give him my phone, I give him my wallet, and as I m getting the money out of the console, I was like, what can I do?
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It s just hard.
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Do you give him everything and just leave?
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SPEAKER_00
I was watching Breaking Bad around the same time.
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SPEAKER_00
I m like, what if he just hurts me anyways?
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SPEAKER_00
There s so much going through my brain.
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SPEAKER_00
I m about to give him the money.
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SPEAKER_00
I m like, that wallet right there,
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SPEAKER_00
My grandma, she died a month ago and that s the last thing I had of hers.
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SPEAKER_00
And this is a complete lie.
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SPEAKER_00
She had not died.
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SPEAKER_00
I was like, can I have this wallet, please?
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SPEAKER_00
Like it s the last thing I had from her.
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SPEAKER_00
And he throws the wallet back at me, grabs the cash out of my hand.
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SPEAKER_00
and they bolt.
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SPEAKER_00
And that was that.
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SPEAKER_00
They took $400 in cash, but they left me with my wallet and they didn t take me to the bank.
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SPEAKER_00
And so I drive back to the store in the pouring down rain without a phone, so I can t call anyone.
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SPEAKER_00
I can t call the police, nothing.
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SPEAKER_00
And I get back to the store and the owner, instead of asking how I m doing or asking if I m okay or asking if I need to call the police, she basically is like, where s the money that you owe me?
4
SPEAKER_00
And if
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SPEAKER_03
you can t get it, then you re going to have to work it off because you owe us $400.
5
SPEAKER_03
Oh, my God.
5
SPEAKER_03
And I was like, no, can I have a phone?
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SPEAKER_03
I need to call somebody.
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SPEAKER_01
That s not how this works.
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SPEAKER_03
What the fuck?
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SPEAKER_03
So I called the police.
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SPEAKER_03
They came, took the incident report, called my boyfriend at the time.
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SPEAKER_03
He s my now husband.
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SPEAKER_03
He came pick me up and I stayed with him.
5
SPEAKER_03
But.
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SPEAKER_03
To be honest, the craziest part of the story is that later that same week a news report had come out about a girl who went to USC and she lived in the apartments that were like two minutes further down the road from where this incident happened and she had gotten abducted by two men
5
SPEAKER_03
who fit the same profile as the men who had robbed me.
5
SPEAKER_03
In her story, she said they wanted her to take them to the bank.
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SPEAKER_03
While they were in the car, like she got in the car with them, they were talking about what they were going to do to her.
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SPEAKER_03
They were going to take her to their cousin s place.
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SPEAKER_03
And they were basically talking about what was going to happen when they went to the cousin s place and were alluding to bad things.
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SPEAKER_01
assaulting her.
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SPEAKER_03
Yes.
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SPEAKER_03
She was a criminal justice major and she said that some instincts kicked in.
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SPEAKER_03
I don t know what training she had been a part of, but she, upon hearing this, unbuckled her seatbelt, opened the door driving and rolled out and ran the other direction and escaped.
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SPEAKER_03
Of course, I hear this and I m like, okay, those people fit the same profile.
5
SPEAKER_03
It s not the same story.
5
SPEAKER_03
Well, when I went in a few weeks later to identify the suspects.
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SPEAKER_01
So those guys got arrested in that situation.
5
SPEAKER_03
I m not sure if they got arrested or not, but when I went to the police station, they just had a list of people who I think had been committing crimes in the area.
5
SPEAKER_03
And they asked me to identify them.
5
SPEAKER_03
They confirmed that they were the same people that had abducted that girl later that same week.
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SPEAKER_01
Was it super obvious to you who they were?
5
SPEAKER_01
I have this anxiety that something like that would happen to me, and then I would go to identify them, and they d show me eight pictures, and I d be a little bit confused.
5
SPEAKER_02
Well, yeah, because if they had bandanas on, it s step two.
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SPEAKER_03
Exactly.
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SPEAKER_03
One of them had the bandana on, one of them didn t.
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SPEAKER_03
I identified one of them correctly, and one of them I did not.
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SPEAKER_03
They didn t tell me which one it was, but they did tell me, we already know who he is.
5
SPEAKER_03
Enough people have identified him correctly that they re going to be able to get him.
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SPEAKER_01
Did you ever have to testify or anything?
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SPEAKER_03
Because I only had identified one of them.
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SPEAKER_03
And I think they had said that there was enough witnesses that I didn t have to go to a trial.
5
SPEAKER_01
Whoa.
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SPEAKER_01
You do hear this, right?
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SPEAKER_01
Like a common thing you hear is you should never go to a second location with people, which is imagine in the moment, really hard to not comply.
5
SPEAKER_03
God, you are so smart.
5
SPEAKER_03
I think I had just been watching a lot of Breaking Bad leading up to it.
5
SPEAKER_03
And so I was like ready to go on my toes.
5
SPEAKER_01
And how did the job resolve itself?
5
SPEAKER_03
I worked one day shift after that, because I was like, I m never going out in the dark ever again.
5
SPEAKER_03
When I was done with that shift, I never came back.
5
SPEAKER_03
I just stopped answering them.
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SPEAKER_01
Oh, wow.
5
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
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SPEAKER_01
Oh, Lily, that was terrifying.
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SPEAKER_02
That s really intense.
5
SPEAKER_02
I m so sorry that happened to you.
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SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_02
That s really traumatic.
5
SPEAKER_03
To be honest, I like blocked it out of my memory.
5
SPEAKER_03
I have told this story probably three times ever because it s just a weird thing to bring up anyways.
5
SPEAKER_03
But when I was listening to the podcast and I heard the prompt and you said delivery drivers, I was like, whoa.
5
SPEAKER_03
You have a crazy story.
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SPEAKER_01
You sure do.
5
SPEAKER_01
That is absolutely bonkers.
5
SPEAKER_01
You know, another thing I can t help but observe, which makes me sad, is desperate people prey on other people who are not well-sorted.
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SPEAKER_01
Like, you re working hourly, you re trying to get tips.
5
SPEAKER_01
They re stealing from someone who s also scraping by.
5
SPEAKER_01
The whole chasm makes me sad.
5
SPEAKER_03
To be honest, one of my first feelings afterwards, and maybe it s just the teacher in me, is those guys were young adults, and they are doing what they know how to do and what they learned how to do from their upbringing.
5
SPEAKER_03
At some point, you have to be accountable for your actions, but they grew up in a house in an area where this is what they had to do to get by.
5
SPEAKER_03
So there s a part of my soul and heart that went out to them, even though I was robbed, and to this four or five-year-old.
5
SPEAKER_01
That s kind of the point is like this four or five year old is got a pretty predictable trajectory now.
5
SPEAKER_01
And I will not think this person shouldn t pay for their crimes, but also like, man, that s how else do you go growing up?
5
SPEAKER_01
And then these two dudes were that four and five year old at some point, the whole cycle is just depressing.
5
SPEAKER_02
That s really a lot.
5
SPEAKER_02
Sorry.
5
SPEAKER_01
I m so glad you got out on the skate.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_03
Same.
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SPEAKER_03
Never going to be a delivery driver again.
5
SPEAKER_03
I don t recommend it for the tiny people or for the people who are not ready to like fight back.
5
SPEAKER_03
Cause I heard a lot of stories of other people who worked in delivery who have had issues.
5
SPEAKER_03
I was not the only one.
5
SPEAKER_03
Two months of working delivery and I got robbed at gunpoint.
5
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
5
SPEAKER_01
My God.
5
SPEAKER_01
Well, it s such a pleasure meeting you.
5
SPEAKER_01
You re so happy and smiley.
5
SPEAKER_03
And you re a teacher.
5
SPEAKER_03
We love teachers.
5
SPEAKER_03
This was a good icing on the cake.
5
SPEAKER_03
It was a full moon yesterday, and so the kids have been crazy today.
5
SPEAKER_03
And there s a class I was supposed to be teaching, and my co-teacher just covered it for me.
5
SPEAKER_03
I was like, I m sorry I m leaving you with these crazy kids right now, but I m going to talk to these people I hear every single day.
5
SPEAKER_01
We thank her for covering for you.
5
SPEAKER_03
Shout out Lori Lynn.
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SPEAKER_01
Thank you, Lori Lynn.
5
SPEAKER_01
All right.
5
SPEAKER_01
Well, take care.
5
SPEAKER_01
It was great meeting you.
5
SPEAKER_03
Thank you guys so much.
5
SPEAKER_03
Have a great rest of your day.
5
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
5
SPEAKER_01
You too.
5
SPEAKER_01
Bye-bye.
5
SPEAKER_03
Wow.
5
SPEAKER_01
So I m imagining I could predict our two takeaways.
5
SPEAKER_01
You never want to deliver, and I can t wait.
5
SPEAKER_02
That s a thing surrounding college campuses.
5
SPEAKER_01
Well, there s always like serial killers.
5
SPEAKER_02
And I just think that a lot of areas surrounding the campuses can get a little dicey.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, on some level, it s like a naive group of people all on their own for their first time living out of the house.
5
SPEAKER_01
It s like a very fish in a barrel pressure cooker.
5
SPEAKER_01
Well, let s focus on the more uplifting story, the cat s eating the dead body.
5
SPEAKER_01
Let s end with that thought.
5
SPEAKER_02
Wow, these really ran the gamut.
5
SPEAKER_01
They sure did.
5
SPEAKER_01
All right, love you.
5
SPEAKER_02
This was fun.
5
SPEAKER_02
Do you wanna sing a tune or something?
5
SPEAKER_02
Oh, okay, great.
5
SPEAKER_00
We don t have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go.
5
SPEAKER_00
We re gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of our jerrys, we ll get some suggestions on the fly rhyme-ish.