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 This is episode number 1206 on how to completely heal your mind and body.
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Welcome to the School of Greatness.
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My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur.
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And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness.
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Thanks for spending some time with me today.
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Now let the class begin.
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 Everyone is on some kind of healing journey right now, whether it's mental, spiritual, physical, it doesn't matter because we're all going through something and it can be really hard to figure out where to start or which direction to go on next.
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So for this episode, I wanted to share with you some of the most valuable lessons I've learned from my conversations with Marissa Peer, Dr. Nicole LaPera, Lori Gottlieb, and Gabby Bernstein.
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 So in this episode, we are going to break down and discuss why the words you use about yourself are so important.
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The best coping strategies for stress.
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Tools to help you heal from the damaging effects of shame.
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How to become more authentic and vulnerable and so much more.
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And if you're enjoying this at any moment during this episode, please share it with someone that you think would love to hear this as well.
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 And if this is your first time here, or if you're a regular listener, but you haven't subscribed yet, please click the subscribe button over on Apple podcast right now and leave us a rating and review.
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And today's fan of the week is from Elena from Hawaii.
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Aloha, Elena.
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And she said life changing podcast.
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I absolutely love this podcast.
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Every guest interviewed is incredible.
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10 out of 10 recommendation.
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 So big shout out to the Aloha State, to Elena for leaving a review and subscribing and for being the fan of the week.
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And again, just go ahead and leave a review at any time for your chance to be shouted out on the podcast as a fan of the week.
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Okay.
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In just a moment, we'll dive into the four keys to completely heal your mind and body.
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 In this first section, you'll hear from Marissa Peer, who is a world-renowned speaker, rapid transformational therapy trainer, and best-selling author.
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In this section, we discuss how to heal from decades of thinking negatively, how to change our interpretation of flee or freeze to flow, why the words you use about yourself are so important, and how role, function, and purpose work.
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Let's dive in.
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 If we're so focused on negative thoughts, how do we even get to the place of stopping those thoughts and starting to heal from years or decades of thinking negatively?
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 And I guess that's a great question because most people don't even get there.
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You have to understand thoughts are things.
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When you think a thought, you have an immediate reaction.
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That's why if you think about eating, your stomach rumbles.
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You think about sex, you get aroused.
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People say, I don't believe that.
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I say, well, what do you think an erection is?
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You think a thought, you get a physical reaction.
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That's not a one-off.
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If you think a thought, a thought has a physical reaction in your body immediately,
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 and an emotional response.
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If I think I'm embarrassed, I might blush.
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If you say something moving, my eyes might fill up with tears because my body is reacting to thoughts.
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And if you could all be taught that early on, you react to thoughts, that's a fact.
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Here's another great fact.
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You can change your thoughts anytime you like.
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And if you change your thinking,
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 It changes your entire life.
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So for instance, we're all saying, I'm stuck at home.
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I go, no, I'm safe at home.
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Stuck safe.
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You change one little word, it changes everything.
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So we say, I'm trapped.
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I'm in a lockdown.
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You know, we're not actually trapped.
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They're not sealing up the doors like they did in the plague.
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In the plague, they sealed your doors and you couldn't physically get out.
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 But we are asked to stay indoors.
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We still go out for walks.
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We go out to the store.
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We go to the pharmacy.
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We're not stuck.
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We're not locked in.
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We're not trapped.
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We're not in prison.
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It's not an apocalypse.
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It's not Armageddon.
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But if you start to use those words,
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 it begins to feel exactly as if it is that case.
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So it's really important that you change your words.
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And I learned that when I was helping a hospital who had people who couldn't go in the scanning machine.
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And they'd all say things like, well, I feel like I'm in a coffin.
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You know, when I get in that scanner and I can't move, I'm so trapped.
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I'm like, look, come on, you lie in bed for eight hours every night and don't move.
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 Why don't you just say, I'm in my bed, I'm super chilled, and I feel so relaxed.
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And what will happen is your mind will react to your thinking.
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And so I had many people do that, and I was teaching nurses how to get people to do that, especially little kids of six going into the scan.
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And they said, you know, every time they're in their bed, they actually fall asleep in there.
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And we said, we're going to play a game now of statues.
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How long can you keep still for?
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So when I actually, a few years ago,
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 in a scanner, which I didn't ever plan to be, and I thought, let me play a game entirely, and then I went...
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 I'm in my bed, I'm so chilled, this is so great.
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I've got half an hour to just lie here.
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And then I decide to go, I'm in my coffin now.
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And they start to talk to me, they go, Marisa, you're moving all the time.
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I had no idea because I was saying, I'm stuck, I'm trapped, I'm claustrophobic.
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My body was like, get out.
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And it starts to do things to make you want to leave.
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And so if you just understand how you are,
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 everything changes.
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So our ancestral brain is like, flee, fight, freeze.
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I can fight, I can flee, I can freeze.
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So I'm in a scanner and it's like, well, I need to flee this, I need to fight it.
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And I'm like, no, if you can't fight and you can't flee, don't freeze, flow.
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I can't fight, I can't flee, but I can flow.
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I mean, Nelson Mandela spent 27 years
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 in solitary confinement.
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We can't even do three weeks with a hotel.
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It's a nightmare.
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I'm cooped up.
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My kids are driving me mad.
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I want to get a divorce.
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I can't stand it.
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But he did 27 years.
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You know how he did it?
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Because he said, everyone in my country is in prison.
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I'm just in a different prison to them.
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If they can do it, I can do it.
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And I'm going to come out here the leader of my country.
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And he did.
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So, you know, we have this belief that events affect us.
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They don't.
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 the meaning you attach to an event affects you.
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The interpretation you choose about an event is what affects you.
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Some people are going, I love it, it's great, you know, I'm so much time, I'm having the best time.
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People go, I hate it, I can't stand it, I'm climbing the walls, I'm going cray, I'm ripping my hair out.
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None of which we're not actually ripping out our hair or climbing the walls or going insane.
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We shouldn't use that.
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 Clearly, it must be the interpretation, because we're all reacting differently.
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So this won't affect you, but what you make of it will.
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And it's your job to change the interpretation.
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And if you can change the interpretation, it would change your entire life.
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How do we change the interpretation to go from free your fight to freeze to flow?
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Well, first of all, you think, what does this mean?
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What does this mean?
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 You know, I've had a couple of clients who went to jail, and they reacted interest... One of them was a very rich woman who went to jail for tax evasion.
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And she said, actually, she ended up really liking it.
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Being in jail?
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Well, she was a typical rich woman.
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She had a beautiful house, lots of staff.
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She didn't really go anywhere.
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Everyone did everything for her.
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She didn't really have any friends.
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She had the ladies who lunch.
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 And when she was there, she trained to be an aerobic teacher.
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She trained to be a yoga teacher, nothing else to do.
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She really bonded with the other women.
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And when she got out, she went back every week to visit them because she said, you know, it was different in there.
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It was like girls' boarding school.
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I didn't realise I was isolated at home and more connected in jail, which is an interesting way to think about it.
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And people who, often people who've been in jail or being trapped in their house when in lockdown,
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 So Isaac Newton, I believe in 1665, he developed the theory of gravity while London was locked down because of the plague, sealed in their house.
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And so he used that time.
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So I guess you have to think, well, you know, I can't change this, but I can change what it means.
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 One day I'll look back and go, well, actually, there was a lot of good stuff.
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What can I do about it?
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I mean, we all go, I just haven't got enough time.
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Oh, I'd love more time.
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If I only had time to myself, well, here it is.
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What could you do or learn or achieve?
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And I'm not saying it's easy because I'm also safe at home and I really miss going out and meeting people, but I'm also doing things I've wanted to do for years that I couldn't do because of time.
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So silly things like,
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 Cook with your kids and make that a math lesson.
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How much does that weigh?
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How much vitamin C is in the skin of a potato?
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Do the laundry.
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You know, why do you think detergents are called biological?
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You can make it interesting.
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You just have to really decide, okay, what does this mean to me?
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And can I change the meaning?
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And when I can change the meaning,
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 it will change my life, because the meaning is yours to change, and the interpretation is yours to change.
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But the fastest way is to look at words.
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Am I saying apocalypse, Armageddon, trapped, stuck?
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Someone said to me, they've taken away my freedom.
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Who?
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The government.
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Government forces have taken away my freedom.
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Maybe, but how about, they want me to live, they want me to be safe.
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The government
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 has put this in place to keep me safe.
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So I'm safe at home or they've taken away my freedom.
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Why looking at your words first, why is that so important?
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Because the way you feel about everything is down to two things.
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The pictures you make in your head and the words.
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The way you feel about everything, every minute of every day is only down to two things.
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The pictures you make in your head
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 and the words you say, but you could make that even simpler and say, forget about the pictures, because the words make the picture.
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You know, a lot of us are, I'm not visual and I can't see stuff, but if I said to you, Lewis, think of anything, but you may not think of an orange snowman, especially one whose snow is the same color as the carrot in his nose.
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You've got to think of an orange snowman.
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And so when you hear words, they make pictures.
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When you say,
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 Don't think about blushing.
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Don't think about falling.
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You know, I paddleboard every day and I notice if you go, I'm wobbling here and I'm going to fall, I've never, ever, ever fallen off because I don't think about falling.
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I think about balance and how much I like it.
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But when you say a word, you make a picture.
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And even the words you use in front of words make a picture.
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You can say, this is driving me crazy.
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I'm going insane.
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 there's a picture.
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Or you can say, it's a challenge, it's interesting, an opportunity, because they don't make a picture.
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So when you say, I've got this
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 Fracking headache.
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Oh my God, it's killing me.
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I'm in agony.
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My head is killing me.
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Swelling, it's throbbing, yeah.
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Or you say, I've got a little niggle here.
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A little niggle, not great, but so what?
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When you say, I'm starving, this is what people do.
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I'm starving.
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I could eat a horse.
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I'm dying of hunger.
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 See, what you're doing, which most people don't know, is that 500 years ago, the thing that killed us more than anything else was not disease, and it wasn't war, it was hunger.
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And we're wired to be scared of hunger.
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So when you say to your body, I'm starving, I'm dying of hunger, I could eat a horse, your mind goes, oh, that's that dangerous thing that could kill you.
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You have an apposite here that regulates what you eat.
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But if you say you're starving,
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 I'll put that on hold so you can eat.
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You can stand in front of the fridge and eat so much stuff and then when you've eaten you still feel hungry because you just told me you were starving.
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So you're saying that using the words I'm starving or
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 I'm okay, I don't need food.
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Whatever you say is going to manifest in the body.
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And you just have to think, how could I change it?
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Am I really starving?
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I don't think I've ever been starving.
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I mean, I've been hungry, but I've never been starving.
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Could I really eat a horse?
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No, not even a horse's leg.
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Of course you couldn't.
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Am I really dying of hunger?
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That takes at least 12 days, probably even longer.
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 So then you think, why would I lie to myself and delude myself?
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How about saying the truth?
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I need to eat.
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I'm ready to eat.
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And you see what happens is maybe you're driving home or maybe you're on the train station and you say, I'm starving.
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Now your mind goes, there's a KitKat machine right there.
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You should eat three of those.
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And maybe some jelly beans and taco chips as well, because you're starving.
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And I'm your mind and my job is to keep you alive.
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And you just said you're starving.
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 Because your mind's job is to listen to your words and your job, and it's a great job, is to tell it better stuff.
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So then instead you go, you know, I am hungry, I need to eat, but I've got some chicken in my house, I've got some vegetables, I've got a casserole, I cooked it yesterday, I can wait an hour and eat better food.
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And we all have to say that, I am hungry, but I'm choosing to wait 30 minutes for better food.
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You know, it's the same thing in a restaurant,
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 But when I go to restaurants, I'm not hungry.
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The minute I sit down, they bring that bread basket, I think, oh, oh, I need that.
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And I could have eaten all of those at one time until I learned to say, I'm too sick to wait half an hour to eat this really nice food I've ordered.
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But you have to talk to yourself.
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You know, we're all taught, if you can,
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 talk to your customers, you'll have a great business.
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If you can talk to your kids, you'll be a great parent.
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But no one says, but you need to talk to yourself.
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That is the most important conversation you'll ever have, the one you have with yourself.
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 This relationship is killing me.
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This kid is killing me.
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I'm dying under my workload.
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This freeway makes me want to die.
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It's not true.
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Why don't you say the truth?
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The commute is a challenge.
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I've got all these audio books, doesn't I?
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I've got some snacks in my car.
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I'm prepared for the challenge rather than it's killing me.
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 What happens when we say, this is killing me over and over again?
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How do we manifest that physically?
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Yeah, if you say that, your mind's job is to keep you alive on the planet.
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It doesn't actually care if you're happy.
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People think my mind's job is to make me happy.
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No, it's not.
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It's to make you live long enough to reproduce yourself.
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And actually, that takes the first 30.
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So we've got another 70 left.
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So our mind's job is a little confusing to our mind.
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 But, you know, we are ancestral people in very modern bodies, and when you say,
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 My job is killing me."
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It goes, don't go to that place called job.
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And if you keep going to that place called job and keep saying, it's killing you, I'll just give you a nice ulcer.
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I'll keep you at home now.
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I'll make you sick.
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I'll give you a disease.
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And we see that.
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People say, oh, I need a week in bed.
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And then they get flu.
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Now they've got their week in bed.
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I need to get out of that meeting.
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And now they get chronic diarrhea.
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 So it happens all the time anyway.
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And because your mind is designed to keep you alive.
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And so if you say you hate someone, I'm going to say, you know, this guy, oh, he ripped out my heart, stamped all over it and threw it in the trash.
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Really?
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I think he got bored with you, darling.
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And you know what?
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If you stuck around, you probably would have got bored with him.
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He was just your starter relationship.
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He taught you a lot.
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 and you learned a lot.
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And everything he loved in you, but he didn't take it when he packed his wash bag and left.
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He didn't put in it all the things that made him like you.
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They're still in you.
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He couldn't take them home.
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And everything he liked in you is still there.
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And you can find a way better person that loves you more.
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But when you say to your mind, he ripped out my heart, stamped all over it, he killed me.
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The mind goes, you know what?
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 Don't have another relationship.
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Stay single.
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I'll make you the biggest bitch in the world.
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I'll make you the cold, most cold-hearted guy.
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Because you keep saying, if I meet another person that leaves me, I'll die.
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If I meet another person that hurts me, I couldn't take the pain.
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You know those songs, I haven't got time for the pain.
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I can't live without you.
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When you say to your mind,
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 It'll kill me if another guy dumps me, or girl, I'll die if I get rejected.
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If I have another miscarriage, it will just be the end of the world for me.
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 You've told your mind, I couldn't cope with that event, and your mind's job is, okay, my job is to make sure you never have to experience that event ever, ever, ever again.
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So I'm going to make you a bitch, I'm going to make you mean, I'm going to make you obese, unattractive, all these things, right?
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You know, I worked with someone, it was so fascinating, this girl had hypersensitivity to light.
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 so bad that she couldn't go out in normal daylight.
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And when I talked to her, she said, you know, when I was 11, I got really, really badly bullied.
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And I said to my mom, can I stay home?
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And she's like, no, I'm a single parent.
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Of course you can't stay home.
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I got to go to work and I hate my job and you have to go to school and deal with it.
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And she said, but mom, I need to stay home.
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No.
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When she got hyper-light sensitivity, what do you think happened?
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 She was able to stay at home.
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She had to stay home every day.
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Her mind believed that staying home was what she wanted and was really seductive.
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And we have to be so careful when we say, I want to be at home.
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I don't want to go out into the world and deal with that.
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It's too much for me.
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And recently I was teaching, because I teach RTT all over the world, and I was teaching
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 my course and I heard this story.
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I just trained a graduate and I was so proud of it because she said, you know, my first client was an anorexic girl.
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And when I talked to her using RTT, I said, what, because we always say the same thing, what was going on when you first began to have this?
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It's what I call what lies beneath.
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And she said, well, I was 11 years old and I opened my dad's study and he was looking at porn.
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 And he was panting like a dog.
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And I remember standing at the door thinking, oh, I never want anyone to look at me the way he's looking at that girl.
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I would die if a man looked at me the way my dad is looking at that girl.
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Now that's actually a command to the mind.
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Do anything and everything to make sure no man ever looks at me the way he's looking at her.
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 And that's when she became anorexic.
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When you're anorexic, the ovaries don't develop.
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You don't go into, you don't get breasts.
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You lose your hair.
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But what was even more interesting is a girl in the audience said, that's so bizarre because I'm bulimic.
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And my dad used to tell me,
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 He used to drop me off when I'm divorced, and he'd go, look at your mom, look at her in those tight clothes.
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Who does she think she is?
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She just looks like a tramp.
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And I thought, I never want my husband to ever talk about me like that, and I'm so fat.
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He would never talk about me like that.
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So same, almost the same scenario, the same request to the mind, I couldn't cope if anyone spoke about me like that.
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 and one became anorexic and one became obese because the mind took the command, do anything and everything to make sure no one ever looks at me like that.
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To protect yourself.
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And it doesn't have a set thing.
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But what is interesting is we in RTT have something called role, function, purpose.
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So we say to people, if this headache had a role, what would it be?
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 if your irritable bowel had a role, if these panic attacks had a purpose, and they come up with the most profound stuff, but it's only ever three things in 30 years.
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It's always the same three.
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 The panic attacks protect me.
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You know, my dad wanted me to be a family lawyer like him, but when I got panic attacks, he says, oh, you could never do that.
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No, you can't.
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How could you ever be in court with panic attacks?
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So they protected me from this expectation I knew I could never meet.
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The second thing is they punish me.
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You think, why would my mind punish me?
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But when I talk to people, they go, yeah, you know, I had an affair with my friend's boyfriend and,
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 It caused so many problems and now I've got colitis.
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I've got autoimmune, which means the body is attacking itself.
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When I was 15, I stole money from my mom's purse and then I never told her, but ever since I've had this chronic irritable bowel, these terrible headaches.
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I blush all the time.
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You know, years ago, we used to go to do penance.
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We used to wear hair shirts, but if you have guilt,
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 Your mind's job is to become judge, juror, jailer, let me punish you.
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So punishing ourselves is huge.
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A lot of people do it, they don't even know why.
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And the third thing is get attention.
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You've all seen kids lying on the floor in the store screaming because they want attention.
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Getting sick because they want attention.
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You know, many, many children who can't get, if you can't get the love of your parents, the very next best thing is to be sick.
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 It's almost as good.
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They have to pay attention.
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Yeah.
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Oh, I didn't think my mom loved me, but she's driving all over town, buying this gluten-free flour, getting this special cream, doing something.
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And for many kids, being sick is like, oh, I didn't think I mattered, but clearly I do.
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 In this next section, you'll hear part of my discussion with clinical psychologist Dr. Nicole LaPera, where we'll talk about the best coping strategies for stress, the root of a panic attack, and how to manage it, the main archetypes of human beings, and the masks we wear to avoid the pain we've felt in the past.
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Let's dive in.
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 What are the best coping strategies for humans to help us get out of stress and into more peaceful, calm states that you've seen?
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 the best ones.
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The best coping strategies.
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Yeah.
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Not like the bad ones, but what are the good ones?
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Yeah, we have the access to the most powerful regulator of stress through our breath.
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We can learn two things.
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First, to be just present to or witness around our body's just regular breathing patterns.
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As simple as this sounds, the way our body breathes, if we can cultivate a very full, deep breath, very calming breath,
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 chances are our body in that moment is in that state of relaxation, is receptive to the world around, is feeling safe to express.
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The large majority of us aren't breathing in that very calm, rhythmic way.
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Most of us have evolved to become chest-based, very shallow breathers.
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And the reason why I even just talk about our natural rhythm is because our mind is constantly scanning our body and its processes.
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 Breathing in particular, because for our mind, that's a marker of how aroused we are, how stressed our body is.
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So what I noticed when I dropped into my body was that I always breathe very shallow from my chest and at times I would stop breathing.
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 and that correlate it with stress.
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The more stressed I am, the more I'm actually holding my breath throughout the day.
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So just that simple act of witnessing to me showed evidence of, wow, Nicole, your body is stressed out day in and day out, regardless of what's happening in the actual current moment, your body continues to send signals of stress.
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And the reason why listeners who might struggle with anxiety or panic, as I once did, why this is problematic,
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 is because, like I said, our mind is scanning down.
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And it's going to begin to then think stressful thoughts.
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It's gonna scan the environment for what's wrong.
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And as we all know, we're very good at identifying what's wrong in that moment.
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And then before we know it, the reason why I offer this is now we're caught in a loop.
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Because now I'm thinking stressful thoughts, further activating my body.
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So dropping in, noticing our body's natural rhythms can give us some clues as to how
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 activate it, we are, and then of course, the next action step we can take if you're living in an over-activated nervous system as I am, is to begin to harness intentional breathing, beginning to either direct my breath down into my belly if I am in that shallow, stressed out, activated state, or if you're like I described earlier, having no energy, almost feel like you're not here energetically, we actually want to cultivate that
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 chest base, the more Wim Hof, shallow, activated tool of breath work to activate our nervous system, to actually up our energy into our system.
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So we can use breath work in either direction to control our body's responses.
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And while this is great for the body, and why I talk about it is it can build body balance back in as many of us need it, it's also so empowering.
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Now, right through an intention, through doing something differently,
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 I can actually create change.
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And I speak as someone who did suffer from debilitating anxiety and panic attacks, and I know how overwhelming and out of control that can feel.
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So I mentioned that last piece of empowerment for all of those suffering with anxiety out there, because that can be the steps back to actually creating change and saying, hey, wait, I can control my body, and my body doesn't have to control me when it hits that peak of panic.
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 What is happening when someone is in a panic attack?
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What were the feelings like?
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How long did it last?
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And how does someone get out of a panic attack moment?
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So panic, and again, I'm just simplifying it for understanding purposes.
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It's that ultimate state of nervous system activation, when your body is literally geared up to fight, flight, or flay, which is usually what happens next.
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We go into that old coping,
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 tool or that old resource that we once used.
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It feels very different for each of us.
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Some of us actually think it can feel, as I once did, like a heart attack.
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I describe an episode in my book where I had just gotten home, I was in a psychoanalytic training program, and as part of my training, every Saturday I would sit in courses to learn how to be a practitioner of the work of psychoanalysis and
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 One of my courses was a group model where I was a participant in group psychoanalytic therapy.
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So anyone listening who's been in any therapy, a lot of feelings can come up.
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So it was a particularly emotional group I had had that morning.
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And I came home and I was with my partner at the time, and long story short,
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 I started to have symptoms.
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I started to feel sweaty.
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I started to feel clammy.
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I almost turned gray looking.
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And my heart in particular started to beat problematically or of concern.
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It was pounding.
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It just felt weird.
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And I'm someone who had had panic attacks before.
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I know a panic attack can mimic a heart attack, yet I was in my down puffy coat, curled up in a ball with my cell phone in my hands, just waiting to call 911
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 is a practice called emotional freedom technique, which you're familiar with, something I practice, our friends the Ortners practice and teach.
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It's called tapping, emotional freedom technique, or otherwise known as EFT.
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And what's beautiful about a practice like tapping, and I'm gonna give that one and a few others, what's beautiful about a practice like tapping is that you can take a thought or a belief, or just a feeling that you're having in the moment,
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 And you can tap on it, which is meaning that you tap on these different energy meridians on your face and your chest and your arm and your head while you talk about the emotional disturbance.
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And what that does is it releases the amygdala's fight-flight response.
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It stimulates the vagus nerve, which regulates your nervous system and it allows your nervous system to calm down and settle.
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And then when you're in a more settled state,
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 That's when you become safe enough to start to redirect and move into a more elevated way of thinking.
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The more you practice a pattern like this, pattern like EFT, and I'll name a few others, the more you actually are working with the thoughts, but also working with the feelings and therefore the beliefs,
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 to regulate and then redirect.
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It's like how Dan Siegel says about children, you have to connect, then redirect.
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You can't just yell at a kid and say, do it better.
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You have to connect, honor their feelings, respect where they're at, find out what's up with them.
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When you notice that they settle, that's when you can say, hey, do you think we could go and try that again?
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 So that's, we have to care for our parts in that way as well.
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So through EFT, you can go through these different rounds of expressing the emotional disturbance while tapping, which then regulates your energy field in that belief system and brings it to a special, loving, connected, more centered baseline.
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 at which point in that new baseline, that's when you can redirect and begin to tap on what it is that you do want to feel or what is working or what is supportive in that moment.
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That's one method.
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I love that.
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Yeah, I think for me, I've been doing a lot of just breath work in general when I feel overwhelmed, stressed, and anxious.
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 Instead of staying in that pain, I really try to connect my body to my breath and breathe through my entire body so that I can calm myself down and then ask myself, is this a feeling or a thought that is supporting me or is it something connected to my past that I haven't worked on yet?
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So breath work is another technique that I think has been really helpful.
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There's a lot of extreme
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 physical activities like ice baths and saunas and other things to connect to the body so that you can start to really kind of release some of those things or just feel more connected to it and see how can you move beyond it like tapping which I think is really powerful.
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So any type of physical
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 and thought-related process I'm hearing you say could be powerful and just figure out what works for you.
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A tool we can give your folks right now is actually a tapping method similar to what you were referring to with breath work.
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It's like there's a point which is called the gamut point, which I like to refer to as the holy shit point, and it's between your pinky finger and your ring finger right there.
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Okay, right here.
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 And that's the point when you notice yourself in that freak out, that trigger, that I want to throw something.
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Step aside, tap this point, and you can say an affirmation like, I am safe.
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Just breathe.
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I am safe.
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I am safe.
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Or you could say, I'm loved.
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I'm supported.
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 Really, I like I am safe because remember, like I said, under every trigger is the feeling of not being safe.
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I am safe.
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And just tap that point.
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That is a...
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 It's a quick resolution that we all have in our hands.
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We have all access.
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Another one would be your right hand on your heart and your left hand on your belly and to your point breath work, breathing, inhale and extending your diaphragm and exhale, releasing it.
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Or even inhaling for two quick breaths and exhaling with a long exhalation.
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And that will really just begin to stimulate your nervous system in a way that just tells your body relax.
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 You can say all the right things, but if your body ain't connected to what you're saying, then it's going to, it's still going to just stay in the cycle.
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Yeah.
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So you got to connect the body with the belief as well.
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It's powerful.
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The feeling with the thought and, and match them both.
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I'm a big believer that when we doubt ourselves consistently, it's hard to manifest what we want.
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It's hard to attract when we live in doubt.
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Uh,
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 And self-confidence is something that I think is hard for a lot of people, especially in the last year, to stay confident under chaos.
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What have been some of your strategies or tools or techniques to build inner confidence, whole confidence, complete confidence, not reliant on what's happening on the external world?
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah, what a nice question.
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 One of my main methods for establishing inner confidence that's not relying on the outside world is to become more me, to be more authentic, more vulnerable, more real, more willing to tell the truth, more willing to be radically honest.
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Because when I'm just being me, I have nothing to
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 I'm just in the truth of who I am.
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 And I also know that that's all that anyone else outside of me wants as well.
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It's just that truth.
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All you want from someone is that truth.
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I think that's why you and I have gotten closer as friends because we've gotten more honest with each other and more honest with ourselves, right, as humans.
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So we can pick up the phone and just feel that connection.
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So I think that one of the secrets to confidence is to accept that your authentic truth is the coolest part of who you are.
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 that's when we can start to lay down the pretenses of who we think we should be.
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Not your authentic truth is bad and not good enough or lacking.
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Or weird.
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Yeah.
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Just be real.
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Be real in the moment.
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I interviewed somebody recently and she was like, I'm just so nervous, I'm so nervous.
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And I was like, that's cool, you're nervous, okay.
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Yeah.
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 Let's just be with the nervousness.
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Thank you for telling me you were nervous because it clears the air.
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It allows me to be present with where you're at in this moment and not feel uncomfortable in your discomfort.
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Say it like it is.
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Just tell the freaking truth.
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This is what's up for me.
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This is where I'm at.
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Any other strategies for building self-confidence?
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Yes, many.
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 One form of self-confidence for me has come through unwavering faith in a spiritual connection.
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Because as a result of really being devoted to believing that there is a presence beyond me,
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 in the service of what is of the highest good for me and for all has given me this level of certainty that I dreamt of that I can now live and stand by.
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 Therefore, when things are not working out the way I planned, I know there's a better plan.
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When something is delayed, I know that it's because there's something better coming.
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When there is rejection, I can see it as protection.
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Because I have a belief system that there is a higher presence, that there's a presence of a higher power, spirit guides, my grandmother, ancestors, working with me to co-create this life that I am living.
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 So I don't feel alone anymore because one of the big reasons we feel we lack confidence is because we feel so alone.
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And so really feeling a presence of spiritual connection by your side, there's a beautiful message from A Course in Miracles.
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If you knew who walked beside you on the path that you have chosen, fear would be impossible.
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I just got chills.
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That is so true.
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If you could actually believe in the unseen,
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 And if that was true, but you just can't see it, but you could feel it, then it would be a lot different life.
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Right.
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I actually asked in one of my books, I think the chapter title, and the universe has your back maybe, was how would you live if you knew you were being guided?
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 Well, I mean, this is something that a lot of the, I would say, radical Christ followers, you see people who are, you know, just believe in Christ and that Christ is guiding them and working through them and all these things.
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 Those people have a sense of certainty and faith and trust and connection to a spiritual, you know, to their spiritual truth.
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And I think it's beautiful to see whether you believe or agree with it or not.
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It's beautiful to see the power that someone has or the letting go of fear that someone has when they believe in something greater than themselves or their fears.
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 And again, whether you want to call it Jesus or your ancestors or whatever you want to call the thing that works for you, I think it's important to find something beyond, well, I'm alone here on this earth and what's the purpose?
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Because then you're going to be really scared and messed up.
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Totally.
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Totally.
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And that's been my whole career has been about helping people recognize and identify a spiritual connection of their own understanding.
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 Yes.
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It doesn't have to be a religious spirit.
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It doesn't have to be Gabby Bernstein's definition of spirit.
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It's your faith statement, your own understanding.
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Just to crack you open to what that means to you.
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It doesn't matter what it looks like, what it sounds like, what you call it, but it's that you start to rely on it, on a presence beyond your own.
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I love to say, too, that the secret to manifesting, the secret to attracting what you want is to forget what you think you need.
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 Because when your agenda is so wrapped up in your desires, you block what could be.
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You block major possibilities that otherwise could be way bigger than what you even anticipated or thought you could receive.
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SPEAKER_01
So should we stop desiring things?
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 No, no, no, not at all.
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It's just to forget what you, when I say, so for instance, I have a desire to have another child.
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I started to go through the IVF journey last May, so we're coming up on a year.
2
SPEAKER_02
Wow.
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The whole time, Louis.
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 being on medication for over a year.
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That's painful, isn't it?
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And the whole journey, I was steady, man.
2
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I gained 15 pounds.
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I was taking medication every single day for 365 days.
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I stayed steady because I knew that my desire was on the way.
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SPEAKER_00
 but I had to forget what I thought I needed, which was I needed to happen now, or I needed to happen this way, or I needed to happen without six rounds, or without seven rounds, or whatever, eight rounds, or whatever it was, or I needed to happen on my timeline, or without gaining weight, or whatever my story might have been.
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SPEAKER_00
 Instead, I just continued to stay steady and show up, listen to my inner guidance system, advocate for myself when I knew that something didn't feel right, and we're moving in the right direction now.
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SPEAKER_00
That's great.
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SPEAKER_00
Moving in the right direction now.
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SPEAKER_00
 But it's been a year, so it's no small thing, right?
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SPEAKER_01
Yeah, that's a lot of time.
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But what's a miracle about that is my therapist even said, she was like, I'm so blown away by how steady you've been through this.
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And I said it's because I have unwavering faith in the universe.
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When would you not have unwavering faith?
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How much time would have to pass for you to be like, okay, maybe the universe is telling me that this isn't supposed to be happening for me at this time?
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SPEAKER_00
I would never say that this isn't supposed to be happening.
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SPEAKER_00
I would just say it's not supposed to be happening in this way.
2
SPEAKER_01
 Hmm, interesting.
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I think that's an important message for anybody on the conception journey.
2
SPEAKER_00
There's many ways to have children.
2
SPEAKER_01
Right, right.
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SPEAKER_01
So it doesn't mean your desires, you can still have the desires, it may not look the way you want it to look.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh yeah, that's right.
2
SPEAKER_01
Interesting.
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Should we be guided by our desires and our dreams or should we be guided by something else?
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I think that our desires and our dreams deserve respect.
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 I think that they can be a driving force within us, but the real driver has to be
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 devotional steadiness and peace and groundedness in the present moment.
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That has to be what drives us most.
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That's what we have to rely on most because the only way to get to the dream joyfully is to have fun along the way, to be present in the moment, to stay grounded in the moment, to stay steady in the moment, and to have faith and have fun even when the thing hasn't come.
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That's really the whole.
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SPEAKER_01
 I guess, strategy behind manifesting is being present, having fun, cultivating peace.
2
SPEAKER_01
That's really the process, isn't it?
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SPEAKER_00
You know, I wrote this book, Superattractor, that we've talked about on your show before.
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SPEAKER_00
And the subtitle of Superattractor is Methods for Manifesting a Life Beyond Your Wildest Dreams.
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SPEAKER_00
And it's no small promise, but it is the promise.
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SPEAKER_00
 But these methods that I teach in the book are not methods for tricking the universe.
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SPEAKER_00
They're methods for feeling good because the secret to manifesting is to feel good.
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SPEAKER_00
We often think that when I get that thing, I'm gonna be happy.
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SPEAKER_00
It's the opposite.
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SPEAKER_00
It's when I feel good, what I desire is on its way or it's coming faster than I could contemplate.
2
SPEAKER_00
So back to the IVF journey, I just was steady and feeling good.
2
SPEAKER_00
 drove an hour and a half every day there, an hour and a half there, an hour and a half back to go to this clinic, because I live in the country.
2
SPEAKER_00
I was driving there and back, listening to you, listening to Rich, listening to the podcast, Jay and all my buddies, learning, studying IFS in the car.
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SPEAKER_00
And I wrote a book this year, I wrote a book in 2020, educating myself so that I could, because I was writing about neuroscience and things I'd never touched before.
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SPEAKER_00
 And so instead of just dreading the drive, I looked forward to that drive.
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SPEAKER_00
That drive was my study time.
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SPEAKER_00
It was the only, it was like I had these almost three hours, you know, several days a month where I could devote just to studying.
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SPEAKER_00
And otherwise I may not have given myself that time.
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SPEAKER_00
So that joyful experience in the moment allowed me to look back and say, wow, a year I did this, a year I went through this, and I was never hung up along the way.
2
SPEAKER_01
 I think that's one of the secrets definitely to manifesting is making the moments that you don't enjoy enjoyable.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_01
And finding a way to have fun in the things that bring you discomfort or pain and I remember
2
SPEAKER_01
 In my early 20s, I was a truck driver for three months and I would drive six hours a day, driving like a big truck that had car parts on the back for Napa car, Napa auto parts.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I drove, yeah, two hours, one direction.
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SPEAKER_01
I would transfer the parts, drive back about two and a half, three hours on the way back in traffic.
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SPEAKER_01
And I remember the first week being like, this is miserable.
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SPEAKER_01
I was making like $250 a week, driving five days a week, six hours a day.
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SPEAKER_01
I was like, this is not fun.
2
SPEAKER_01
 But I gotta make this enjoyable, otherwise I'm gonna drive myself insane."
2
SPEAKER_01
And I started imagining, and at that time I just started learning salsa dancing, and I said, I'm gonna use this time to salsa dance, even though I can't dance, but I can imagine it in my mind.
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SPEAKER_01
 And I put in a CD every single day of the greatest salsa hits.
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SPEAKER_01
And I would just imagine myself learning the dances and going over the dances for six hours a day.
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SPEAKER_01
And then I'd go practice at night and dance.
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SPEAKER_01
And I made it more enjoyable.
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SPEAKER_01
And it just made it, I don't know, that much more fun.
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SPEAKER_01
It wasn't this painful thing.
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SPEAKER_01
I think the key to feeling, you know,
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SPEAKER_01
 When you can learn how to feel good, even when you don't feel good, you're going to attract and manifest so much more than you ever thought.
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SPEAKER_00
That's right.
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SPEAKER_00
That's right.
2
SPEAKER_01
It's really easy to complain and feel bad all day long.
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SPEAKER_01
It's so easy, right?
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_00
 Well, it's our default, it's our default.
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SPEAKER_00
We're fault finders, we're suffer seekers, we're constantly thinking that if I'm not suffering or struggling, I'm not succeeding.
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SPEAKER_00
I mean, there's just all backwards crap in our brain.
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SPEAKER_00
But one of the biggest ways to feel good with our circumstances is just be in the acceptance of what is as well, because a lot of what causes us the most discomfort is our resistance to discomfort.
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SPEAKER_00
So in those moments when we can just say,
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SPEAKER_00
 This isn't like the most exciting moment of my life.
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SPEAKER_00
This isn't exactly what I want to be doing.
2
SPEAKER_00
 I'm okay with, I'm just accepting of that.
2
SPEAKER_00
I would notice myself when I would be taking a shot and I would be mad about it and then I would just get into acceptance.
2
SPEAKER_00
Well, you're 41 years old and you wanna have a baby and this is what you do.
2
SPEAKER_00
And then I would quickly move from acceptance into appreciation of, well, you have an insurance policy that covers all this and a lot of people are taking out a second mortgage on their home to do this and you have this incredible blessing and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right?
2
SPEAKER_00
 And I'd actually like to tell you something really cool.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yesterday I gave my sister-in-law, my sister-in-law is a young friend who's going through fertility treatment, and I had all this leftover medication.
2
SPEAKER_00
I mean, it's like almost was making me sad looking at all the medication because it's just like bags and bags of medication.
2
SPEAKER_00
I know how much of that I actually threw out and how much of it went into my body.
2
SPEAKER_00
And you just look at it and you're like, oh my God, it's like this, it's sort of this like overwhelming.
2
SPEAKER_00
And my husband looked at me and he's like,
2
SPEAKER_00
 You took all of that?"
2
SPEAKER_00
I was like, dude, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, man.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I had so much medication in my refrigerator and I was kind of holding on to it even though I don't need it anymore, but I was like holding on to it like, what if I do need to get like just some, you know, like fake insurance policy.
2
SPEAKER_00
 And this young woman was, my girlfriend was telling me that she had this friend that needed it.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I said, this is such a statement to the universe.
2
SPEAKER_00
I was like, grab a bag with a bunch of ice packs.
2
SPEAKER_00
Here you go.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I piled that bag up with all the leftover medication that had not even been opened yet because I just hadn't needed it or whatever.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I handed it to my sister and I said, go give this to that young woman.
2
SPEAKER_00
 you know, save her a lot of money, this is like thousands of dollars medication, give this to her.
2
SPEAKER_00
But more importantly, well, number one, I'm grateful I can have the ability to give that to her because I didn't need it anymore and it was great and she was ready for it.
2
SPEAKER_00
But most importantly for myself, it was such a statement to the universe where I'm like, I have no use for that anymore.
2
SPEAKER_00
 I'm not going to that anymore, no matter what.
2
SPEAKER_00
There's a path laid before me, no matter what, that's not my choice anymore.
2
SPEAKER_00
And so sometimes, even when we have a desire and we think it has to be one way, we sometimes have to commit to a new direction.
2
SPEAKER_00
We wanna hold on to the backup plan or whatever.
2
SPEAKER_00
It's like, you gotta make a commitment.
2
SPEAKER_00
You gotta tell the universe clearly sometimes.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, you gotta let it go.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
 You mentioned needing.
2
SPEAKER_01
What's the difference between wanting and needing energy?
2
SPEAKER_01
And if we need something or if we're needy in general, are we attracting and manifesting or is wanting something different than needy?
2
SPEAKER_00
Wanting and needing are very different.
2
SPEAKER_00
Wanting
2
SPEAKER_00
 as long as it's not paired up with a neediness, is beautiful.
2
SPEAKER_00
It's a longing, it's a desire, it's a cultivation of, as Abraham would say, a rocket of desire.
2
SPEAKER_00
It's just sending out to the universe,
2
SPEAKER_00
 Want love in my life.
2
SPEAKER_00
I want another baby like I owe Lewis.
2
SPEAKER_00
I want another baby in my arms I love having a baby.
2
SPEAKER_00
I want my son to have a best friend.
2
SPEAKER_00
I want my my family to feel complete I want another little footstep in my house like you feel that I don't feel needy when I say that to you I feel like excited and have happy anticipation for what can be needy looks like
2
SPEAKER_00
 I need that relationship to feel safe.
2
SPEAKER_00
I need that money to be good enough.
2
SPEAKER_00
I need that accomplishment.
2
SPEAKER_00
It's a vibrational frequency that is not attractive.
2
SPEAKER_00
It does not magnetize towards it.
2
SPEAKER_00
The universe can't support it.
2
SPEAKER_00
It is not in alignment with your super attractor power.
2
SPEAKER_00
 So, needy is actually another way that we get into what I call manic manifesting because when we're in that needy place, like we'll do everything that we have to do to get to it.
2
SPEAKER_00
It's like forcing it.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
Forcing it, exactly.
2
SPEAKER_00
So, whenever a desire is backed with neediness, it's definitely misaligned.
2
SPEAKER_01
 And what about the idea of, I deserve this to happen, I deserve this in my life because of this, I deserve this thing, or an entitlement energy.
2
SPEAKER_01
Deserving an entitlement, what did those energies bring to us or repel us?
2
SPEAKER_00
It's interesting, I have two points of thought on that.
2
SPEAKER_00
 If you come from a place of I am entitled to miracles because my natural birthright is love and when I'm in alignment with love and when I'm expressing love and when I am in commitment to love and connection and compassion and service,
2
SPEAKER_00
 then I am aligned with the universal energy of love and miracles are my birthright.
2
SPEAKER_00
That is a spiritual form of entitlement, right?
2
SPEAKER_00
This is the belief system that I am love and when I don't forget that, the universe delivers.
2
SPEAKER_00
I've been teaching that for over a decade.
2
SPEAKER_00
So there's a big difference between feeling that level of
2
SPEAKER_00
 When I am in alignment with the energy of love, love is reflected back to me.
2
SPEAKER_00
That's entitled to miracles.
2
SPEAKER_00
 But sometimes this is like a semantics issue, right?
2
SPEAKER_00
Because then the other form of entitlement of like, I deserve that job, or I deserve this because I've put so much in.
2
SPEAKER_00
Ooh, that's yucky.
2
SPEAKER_00
That's that like, you know, I have people I mentor and I often hear them say things like, I've been working on my personal growth for so many years.
2
SPEAKER_00
I don't deserve this.
2
SPEAKER_00
I deserve more than this.
2
SPEAKER_00
And it's like, well, you know, that belief system might be one of the reasons why you haven't gotten that thing yet.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know, it's like,
2
SPEAKER_00
 I guess the way I would describe the difference between spiritual entitlement and ego entitlement is that spiritual entitlement comes when you are truly grounded in the truth of who you are and why you're here.
2
SPEAKER_00
Ego entitlement is when you are disconnected from that truth, trying to fill a hole that you could only find with a genuine spiritual connection.
2
SPEAKER_01
 Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I go back the way when you were just saying that, I think about, uh, when you feel like you deserve something, you're more in judgment mode.
2
SPEAKER_01
You're more than like, why isn't your inpatient and you're judging, you're judging something that hasn't happened yet or that isn't happening for you yet.
2
SPEAKER_01
As opposed to flipping the script and saying, okay, this is happening for me for the betterment of my future.
2
SPEAKER_01
And where's the appreciation and the gratitude in this moment I think would be a better place of man and manifesting and attracting.
2
SPEAKER_00
 But it also doesn't mean that we can't believe we're deserving of something.
2
SPEAKER_00
Because, for instance, I think, I believe that I am deserving of many things in my life.
2
SPEAKER_00
Because, back to that spiritual entitlement, because I believe that the things that I am deserving of are a reflection of who I am.
2
SPEAKER_01
 Thank you so much for listening.
2
SPEAKER_01
I hope you enjoyed today's episode and inspired you on your journey towards greatness.
2
SPEAKER_01
Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's show with all the important links.
2
SPEAKER_01
And also make sure to share this with a friend and subscribe over on Apple podcasts as well.
2
SPEAKER_01
 I really love hearing feedback from you guys, so share a review over on Apple and let me know what part of this episode resonated with you the most.
2
SPEAKER_01
And if no one's told you lately, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.
2
SPEAKER_01
And now it's time to go out there and do something great.