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But they went to Cheesecake Factory, and people were complaining because, you know, your buttocks might get on the seat.
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Buttocks.
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Right?
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Yeah.
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And I don t mean to sound like a scientist, but that s where poop comes from, you know?
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When we, I will say to start out, when we do stuff, anything about, uh, our president, Joe Biden, even if it s a light jab, people go bananas in the comments.
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And I think it s, it s a, it s an age where.
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As a comic over time, you realize Saturday night live, we were there, whoever the president was, Republican Democrat, you make fun of the person in charge of just
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anti-establishment, funny, basic, day one comedy, one-on-one.
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And we weren t saying anything heavy.
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Dude, that s the funniest part.
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We re not going after, we re not saying, you should vote this way, that way.
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And people still
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Man, that comment section, they eat each other.
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They cannibalize each other.
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It s cannibal time.
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It s not even about us anymore.
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It s just like they re fighting and then it s just like, wait, we re doing bits over here.
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And they re like, no, we forgot about that.
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Now we want to kill each other.
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So it s America.
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I defend our right to satirize both presidents the way we like, you know, because what was that thing?
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The emperor has new clothes or something.
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So you re supposed to kind of tug on your authority figures.
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And then I defend the right of the people in the comment section, hashing it out.
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So everybody gets to say, see, no one has to watch.
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It s like, I think it s called freedom, maybe.
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I m just throwing it out there.
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Freedom s just another word for, I don t know what, but Janis Joplin.
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For nothing left to lose.
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That s the song.
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Is that it?
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Freedom just another word for nothing left to lose.
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Well, as we get started here, Dana.
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Yeah.
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You didn t go to the bathroom earlier, but I was singing, Dana s got a dump.
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And I thought it was so funny.
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And then I laughed and no one was on the Zoom and I started going.
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Damn.
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And you weren t.
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I use the restroom and that kind of gold comes out.
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That s being mined out here.
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Yeah, that s what that s what this podcast has come to.
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That s our big guy.
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That s our big clip.
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I miss the show.
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That s what they did this week.
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I love Steven Tyler because he s the one when you get past a certain age, you got to be a pirate or a cowboy.
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Yeah, he looks like he s kind of like a pirate, you know, very cool, dude.
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Yeah.
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I have a quick story that was on popped up in my Instagram that I want to tell you about.
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OK, there s a young singer named Bad Baby, not not Bad Bunny, Bad Baby.
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First, there was Bad Baby.
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Then there s Bad Bunny.
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OK, before you play that, Greg.
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So Bad Baby is
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was originally to go way back on, was it Dr. Phil?
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And she s the one that said, catch me outside.
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How about that?
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Do you remember that?
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Catch me outside.
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Absolutely.
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Yeah.
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So she was only 14 then anyway.
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So she grew up and she was still in the mix.
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I did Kimmel one night and I came home.
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I wasn t a suit cause I hosted.
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So I was a little more dapper.
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Yeah.
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I saw her at a restaurant and my buddy goes, Oh, that s
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bad baby back then was Catch Me Outside Girl.
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Till then, she didn t have a rapper name.
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Wow, she is good for her.
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So I said, oh, and she has all these followers and she s a big deal and it s very interesting to see her in real life.
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So he said, go ask for a picture so I can get a picture with her.
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So I do, she kind of doesn t know me, fine.
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We take a picture and then I say a snarky comment.
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Now this is my fault.
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So you can read the bottom.
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OK, I say about this.
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And that s already funny.
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We re already going out.
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Yes.
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Yeah.
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OK.
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I said underwhelmed to meet me.
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OK.
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Yeah.
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I m going to keep going.
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I say, unfortunately, you say, well, unfortunately, she stopped being famous five minutes before this was taken because, you know, it s a 15 minutes of a shock.
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She s upset.
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Well, she s first of all, I m picking on someone younger.
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It s stupid.
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It was just like me trying to like,
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Be funny, I don t know, bless my heart.
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So then she writes back.
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Uh-oh, we got a war here, turf war.
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You have it or I just tell it?
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Oh yeah, she writes, let s see, look.
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She goes, no lie, I thought this guy was the waiter.
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So funny.
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Well, I love no lie up front.
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Well, that s rapper talk.
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That s one of my favorite phrase.
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If I point to the picture and go, I call bullshit on that.
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Yeah, it s sort of that.
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It s sort of our new version of that, sort of no cap.
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And so I write back again.
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Someone put a cork in me.
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I put, not bad, I m bummed it took your team 48 hours to come up with it though, because it was two days later.
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So anyway, blah, blah.
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Why am I doing this?
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Because I don t know if she has fans, like Beyonce has bees.
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And so they started hammering me.
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And just like ripped me apart, right?
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Eating me alive.
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So then we eventually, my friend Nick Goosen directs a music video for her.
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She s getting into rap.
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She s obviously makes way more money than you and I put together now, no joke.
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So she s a huge...
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And then I meet her on the set.
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By now, she s probably, what, Heather 20?
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I don t know.
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She s doing a video.
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She s a famous rapper.
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My buddy s directing, and he goes, why don t you guys make amends, because we had this fake beef, and then do a cameo in her video.
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So I do it.
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She s perfectly lovely.
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She s fine.
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And then out of the blue, so we re friendly.
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I ve seen her since.
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She s fine.
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So out of the blue,
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She puts a video people are start hitting me up going.
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I ve heard you in the Illuminati and the Illuminati is this Thing what I m like, where do you hear that and they go bad baby said it.
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So let s play this video.
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She put on Instagram.
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Okay I was at my weekly Illuminati meeting I was sitting next to Beyonce and Jay-z and all of a sudden my boy spade walked in right after Drake walked in I
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I was like yo drake move your little bitch ass somewhere else I gotta talk to spade real quick and then we burned two truckloads of money and did some devil prayers I sacrificed four goats three chickens and one sheep and then we just chopped it up whatever we was like hey be in this video bitch then we went to ketchup had some lobsters with chicken blood I still have the t-shirt with the chicken blood on it I think it s a drake t-shirt
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Okay, so let s unpack that.
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First of all, just for me, that s not true, right?
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It s not true, but it s kind of funny because it s so ridiculous to talk about the Illuminati and add all this stuff.
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And they put, of course, eerie music under it, which makes you immediately think it s real.
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When I see a TikTok with that music, I go, okay, guys, quiet down.
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This is real.
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And it s scary.
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And then she says all these funny things about what people would guess the Illuminati is, Jay-Z, Beyonce.
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First, I don t know if we d all be at the same party, but fine.
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And I don t think we d all be at the same restaurant.
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But she says all this, which I think is funny, because she obviously has a funny bone.
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And so everyone thinks it s real.
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and her fans are younger, so they think it s real for sure.
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So now they start coming after me.
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You re in the Illuminati, I know it s a fact.
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And I m like, first of all, I don t know what the Illuminati is, you sell your soul, whatever you do.
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I m not doing all that just to get a sitcom on peacock.
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I d shoot a little higher.
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Like if I m gonna do all this stuff and kill things and do all the horrible things, I want everything, everything in this town, all of it.
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I don t want this something about Mary hair.
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I don t want, you know, a couple of zip up pullovers.
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I want solid gold clothing.
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I want all the cars and jets.
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So I feel like I m not in the Illuminati.
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And if I am, I m missing all the meetings.
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But that s just really to set the record straight, Dana.
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I think you understood I wasn t in it, but there s people.
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I m 99 percent sure you re not in it.
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But I do have a tiny bit, I m just being truth to power, I m just being honest.
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Is there kind of a weird thing where you could be in it?
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I mean, I had a tough time getting in Soho House, so I think that the Illuminati s probably harder, and it s probably a tighter door.
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I m still working on something about Mary here.
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That was Dennis Miller level reference.
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Look at it.
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It s getting bigger because I swear my hair girl was hung over and she goes, I m going to do your hair and put so much she lack in it that you re doing the road because I have to go to Austin and New Orleans.
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So it ll last for like a week.
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And she goes, you won t have to touch it.
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And then I m like, it s now it s even more Cameron Diaz.
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Look, it s higher because I just touched it.
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Oh god damn it stay everyone stay away from it put cones around so they put crazy glue on your head and then you could go to her for a week and you don t even you just take baths and make sure it s all the helmet is fine exactly so yours always looks pretty good yours looks a little looser than mine which is better well you put stuff in it and then you kind of loosen it up we ll talk later
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The first headline I want to get to is just the biggest story this week is Kate gate, which is, is Kate Middleton missing?
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And is this sort of a tired and boring story, but I still like it because if you don t know Dana, they hadn t seen her since Christmas, but she s a real person.
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They said she had abdominal surgery.
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She doesn t owe us really any explanation except she s a Royal.
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So you have to tell us every goddamn thing about your life.
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And then.
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They said, oh, here she is, and they show some Photoshop that basically could have been Bigfoot.
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It s some picture that looks fake.
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And they re like, that s not really her.
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They re like, you know what?
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That s not.
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We screwed up.
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OK, here s really her.
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And then
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A couple days or weeks later, they show her walking.
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It s all too perfect, Dana.
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Who s the human being that started it besides potentially William or Prince Harry?
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Like who started this rumor?
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Meghan and Harry?
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I mean, they re obviously all eyes on them.
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She had surgery and she was recovering.
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She s missing.
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Yeah, but they usually give updates because they said the Queen had problems and she was on her deathbed.
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She still would wave to the crowd.
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So Kate hadn t been seen since December.
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That s a big chunk.
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Oh, I got it.
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Royals aren t allowed to be missing.
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They at least put them out in the balcony and someone s underneath holding there.
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I mean, have you ever not seen J-Lo for 24 hours?
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I mean, come on.
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She s out there.
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It s been 44 hours.
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Get me.
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Instagram stories, anything.
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So they said this.
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So she comes out.
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Tra la la.
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Look at me with William.
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Couldn t be more perfect.
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I m smiling.
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My gut isn t hurting.
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I m not bent over.
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I m sort of almost skipping.
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So everyone s like, well, she had surgery.
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Why is she walking so good?
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Why is her hair longer than it was?
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Maybe it s been
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Is it a slow news month?
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I mean, this one seems, but I did meet someone at the gym and they go, Hey, are you looking, are you like me?
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Are you looking for Kate Middleton?
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Exactly.
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I mean, is this, is the Western world gone a little sleepy?
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It seems like a soft.
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So I think, go ahead.
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What if it s true?
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What if it s true?
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That s its lookalike.
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Go ahead.
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Here s my super new angle on this fucking tired story that I m bothering you with.
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We re breathing life into it right now.
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That Prince Charles, who no one seems to give a care about right now, actually has a health problem and they re taking the focus off of that.
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and making this fake story over here, and then she ll just pop up one day and go, I m fine.
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And we re like, oh, and this whole time we didn t say, hey, Prince Charles is actually, or King Charles isn t a problem.
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Oh yeah, there s a lookalike that they think could be the people s princess.
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I would want to be in that meeting.
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Yes, I m going to have an operation.
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William, I m suggesting that you say Kate has gone missing.
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I don t know why I talk like this.
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It s a it s a substitute voice.
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No, it s a good one, because he s also in dire straits.
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So he s out of breath.
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King Charles, King Charles.
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Yes.
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I love everything to do with the Royals.
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They great source of entertainment.
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It shows the Western world has a lot of free time on its hands.
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They went from it s good that Kate gets some attention because it was all, by the way, Prince Harry is getting no attention right now.
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He s like, I have eczema.
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Everyone s like, well, it s not that big of a story.
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He s like.
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He d be like, I ve got hair up here, but it s a little sparse in the back.
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So I don t like to bow anymore.
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Hope don t be mad.
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Let s do a story on where my hair went for six months.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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I m going to wear bowlers.
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I m going to wear a proper piece of hat so that everyone can F off.
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There we go.
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SPEAKER_01
All right.
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SPEAKER_01
So case closed.
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SPEAKER_01
We figured it out.
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SPEAKER_01
Case.
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SPEAKER_01
Yes.
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But we figured out nothing.
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OK, what else in the news?
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We re off to a mesmerizing start.
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That s all I m saying.
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SPEAKER_00
I think it s funny.
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SPEAKER_00
Oh, oh.
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SPEAKER_00
Oh, hey.
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SPEAKER_01
Oh, let me pull those up for you, dear.
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Isn t it funny how Kanye s girlfriend, who very attractive, great figure, as my mom would say,
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not too much on the clothes front.
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And Kanye is head to toe in almost a wetsuit.
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He always is clothed up.
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And she, I don t mind this look.
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SPEAKER_01
I don t see it a lot with her.
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SPEAKER_01
I don t see this at the Grove every day.
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But they went to Cheesecake Factory and people were complaining because, you know, your buttocks might get on the seat, right?
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SPEAKER_01
And I don t mean to sound like a scientist, but that s where poop comes from, you know?
1
SPEAKER_00
Right.
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SPEAKER_00
Oh, it s his wife.
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SPEAKER_00
Do they decide how far down the leotard goes?
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SPEAKER_01
I feel like that s really cutting it close right where it is right there.
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SPEAKER_01
That s about as far as I go with mine.
1
SPEAKER_01
Right.
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When I m at the Grove.
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Yeah.
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I don t know, but a lot of times she wears pure see-through stuff.
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SPEAKER_01
She wore nylons with nothing, no underpants.
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My favorite word in the world.
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SPEAKER_00
No underpanties?
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And he s got on tighty-whities.
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SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
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How many views did this get?
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I mean, what is going on?
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This is the news, Dana.
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So then she goes to Cheesecake Factory, and now they re ruining that for me.
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SPEAKER_01
That s my precious Cheesecake Factory.
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SPEAKER_01
I go there all the time.
1
SPEAKER_01
So you have to put a towel down, like at the gym maybe.
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SPEAKER_00
Well, if we wore g-strings and went to Malibu beach and strut around and then came back to our computers and check daily mail, would we trend at all?
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SPEAKER_00
I mean, I don t know.
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SPEAKER_00
I hope, I don t think anyone cares.
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SPEAKER_01
Why can t they care about us?
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SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
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SPEAKER_00
It s a cottage industry, you know, to get the clicks.
1
SPEAKER_01
It is a cottage industry.
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SPEAKER_01
It s funny.
1
SPEAKER_01
All right.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m sitting back down.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay, I would be forced to mortgage.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, Trump melts down on truth social as long as, admit he can t come up with $500 million, so yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, that would be tough for me too.
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SPEAKER_00
Uh, yeah, on top of the 90.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s getting up there.
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SPEAKER_00
It s getting pretty high.
1
SPEAKER_00
Trump s going to have to have a yard sale.
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SPEAKER_00
That s the only thing that s go.
1
SPEAKER_00
Don t be shy.
1
SPEAKER_00
Everything s for sale.
1
SPEAKER_00
And it s got to go.
1
SPEAKER_00
Frankly, it s got to go.
1
SPEAKER_00
Hey, how much is that?
1
SPEAKER_00
How much are those shoes?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Those shoes are a million dollars each.
1
SPEAKER_00
Those are Barron s shoes.
1
SPEAKER_00
He s a big boy and those are a million dollar per shoe.
1
SPEAKER_00
We got to raise a lot of money.
1
SPEAKER_00
Hey, how much is that tanning bed?
1
SPEAKER_00
You say it.
1
SPEAKER_00
How much is that?
1
SPEAKER_01
I like the shoes there, but they look as big as shacks.
1
SPEAKER_01
Are they that big?
1
SPEAKER_00
They re as big as shacks.
1
SPEAKER_00
They re bigger than you believe.
1
SPEAKER_00
Many people are saying these are shoes you could put a mouse in them and you d have room for a lot more mice.
1
SPEAKER_00
I ll tell you that.
1
SPEAKER_00
Two cats could crawl in there.
1
SPEAKER_00
You get a small dog in there or a beagle or something like that could make a home in these shoes.
1
SPEAKER_00
Even an ocelot.
1
SPEAKER_00
Rob Schneider and David Spade could set up homes.
1
SPEAKER_00
We could mud wrestle.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, what else you got here?
1
SPEAKER_00
What else?
1
SPEAKER_00
I got a tanning bed.
1
SPEAKER_00
I got a tanning bed.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s a beautiful tanning bed.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m gonna throw in the goggles for free.
1
SPEAKER_00
This bed is tremendous, I ll tell you.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s a tremendous tanning bed.
1
SPEAKER_00
This is where you ask me how much.
1
SPEAKER_00
How much is it?
1
SPEAKER_00
it s it s 450 million dollars oh my god that s exactly how much you owe it s a total coincidence we did it we valued it it s made of solid gold it s a solid gold jerry bad and i throw in the goggles for for free i m not kidding you get the goggles for nothing it s a 450 million dollar charity all right maybe i ll just get the
2
SPEAKER_01
uh crock pot then that sounds a little high hey hunter joe biden what are you doing here come on you re inflating your assets okay you re gonna do that with a solid goal the bad the bad bars is bad be bad bad baker baker baker man exists can t believe it s not butter
2
SPEAKER_02
This is where you say, hi, I m David Spade.
2
SPEAKER_02
Hi, I m David Spade.
2
SPEAKER_02
And this shit ain t ever going to happen.
2
SPEAKER_03
I didn t approve this message.
2
SPEAKER_03
I have no idea what s going on.
2
SPEAKER_02
At least I got to camp live by butter.
2
SPEAKER_01
But yeah, just a coincidence.
2
SPEAKER_01
$454 million.
2
SPEAKER_01
You can have it right now.
2
SPEAKER_01
We ll give it to you.
2
SPEAKER_01
And E.G.
2
SPEAKER_01
Carroll could have it too if she wants it.
2
SPEAKER_03
She can lay down.
2
SPEAKER_03
Hey, do they still wear goggles in tanning beds, I guess?
2
SPEAKER_02
I think Trump, I don t know why, because he always has a tan or something.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, the white.
2
SPEAKER_02
He s got white around, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
And he has a little white around his eyes.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
I think it s kind of cool that Trump just decided, I m going to have orange hair, and I m going to be super tan, and I m going to have white teeth.
2
SPEAKER_02
And we re going to stick with it.
2
SPEAKER_02
It works for him.
2
SPEAKER_02
So anyway.
2
SPEAKER_02
All right.
2
SPEAKER_03
What s next?
2
SPEAKER_03
That s funny as shit.
2
SPEAKER_03
Thanks for playing, David.
2
SPEAKER_03
I like a not well put together or stitched up quilt of a trumpet.
2
SPEAKER_02
Well, yeah, we shoot the rehearsal here.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
They say that people see BTS.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s one just off the top of your head.
2
SPEAKER_03
Tracy Morgan says he gained 40 pounds in his epic after learning how to out eat the drug.
2
SPEAKER_02
Well, that s that s its own punchline.
2
SPEAKER_02
And that s so funny.
2
SPEAKER_02
I don t need it.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s just Tracy Morgan being hilarious.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m going to eat out.
2
SPEAKER_02
I would eat the weight loss drug.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, it s so funny.
2
SPEAKER_03
He tried to crack the system.
2
SPEAKER_03
He goes, I can take it and still gain weight.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, that s like someone taking blood pressure medicine and walking around all day.
2
SPEAKER_02
Just out trying to raise it.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
You can beat the system if you really try, but he really cracked that code.
2
SPEAKER_02
Ozempic didn t have a chance, but how high does he want to go?
2
SPEAKER_03
I don t know.
2
SPEAKER_03
He loves it.
2
SPEAKER_03
He s very proud in that picture.
2
SPEAKER_03
All right.
2
SPEAKER_03
We love Tracy.
2
SPEAKER_03
Okay, next one.
2
SPEAKER_02
Tracy, call us.
2
SPEAKER_03
I ll put a baby in that Ozempic.
2
SPEAKER_02
That s, Jay Moore does an incredible Tracy Morgan.
2
SPEAKER_02
We ll have him on someday with the real Tracy Morgan.
2
SPEAKER_03
Okay, the state of Washington has just announced that the bar exam will no longer be required for an attorney to become licensed in Washington, according to the state Supreme Court.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, okay.
2
SPEAKER_03
The bar exam will no longer be, oh, well.
2
SPEAKER_02
Well, well, what?
2
SPEAKER_03
I don t know what s gonna happen, so wait.
2
SPEAKER_03
Uh-oh, Kim Kardashian.
2
SPEAKER_03
I mean, if you re having trouble,
2
SPEAKER_03
getting the bar, maybe go there because, but are they then the real lawyers?
2
SPEAKER_02
Then are they real lawyers?
2
SPEAKER_02
What the next thing is just, um, a pilot without a pilot s license.
2
SPEAKER_02
I mean, where does this go?
2
SPEAKER_02
I mean, isn t that the test to show that, you know, you know, objection, your honor, I guess if you don t take it, you just might overrule what, what does that mean?
2
SPEAKER_03
I think it d be hard to be a lawyer, and I think it s supposed to be hard.
2
SPEAKER_03
But if it s doctors, then it s troubling, right?
2
SPEAKER_03
Also.
2
SPEAKER_02
I would say if you watch every episode of Law & Order and you could prove it, then you could skip the bar exam.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_03
That ll be the new thing.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
All right.
2
SPEAKER_03
Next one.
2
SPEAKER_03
Let s see.
2
SPEAKER_03
We re really breaking down all the hot headlines.
2
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_03
Can climate cafes help ease the anxiety?
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, there s a climate cafe like the model cafe in the old days.
2
SPEAKER_02
I don t know.
2
SPEAKER_02
Hollywood.
2
SPEAKER_02
I mean, it s bringing up across the country.
2
SPEAKER_03
God, I feel like this might be the first of all, I don t think I m investing in this.
2
SPEAKER_03
Just to be depressed.
2
SPEAKER_03
You walk in there and go, hey, man, it s getting really bad.
2
SPEAKER_02
Well, I heard they have a life-size sort of animatronic Greta Thunberg, and you put a nickel in it, and the thing just moves and goes, how dare you?
2
SPEAKER_02
How dare you?
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, when you push the tip and you go under 20%, it goes, how dare you?
2
SPEAKER_02
How dare you?
2
SPEAKER_02
I like this.
2
SPEAKER_02
The pantomime was actually kind of real.
2
SPEAKER_02
And then Al Gore is an animatronic guy greeting you.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s getting hot.
2
SPEAKER_02
Come right in.
2
SPEAKER_02
Let s see.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s getting hot.
2
SPEAKER_02
Come right in.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s getting hot.
2
SPEAKER_03
Come right in.
2
SPEAKER_03
And then they have Nelly go, it s getting hot in here.
2
SPEAKER_03
We are all going to die.
2
SPEAKER_03
No, but I feel like this is further the pussification of America.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s just my.
2
SPEAKER_03
The pussification.
2
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_02
Next one.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
I mean, I don t know.
2
SPEAKER_03
I mean, it is climate change out there.
2
SPEAKER_03
I don t know if we need to talk about 24 hours a day and be depressed.
2
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_03
This is what someone sent me an Instagram.
2
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_03
This guy thinks he meets me.
2
SPEAKER_03
This guy thinks he meets me.
2
SPEAKER_03
And then this guy says he swears he s me.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m like him.
2
SPEAKER_03
Is this that close?
2
SPEAKER_03
No, not damn.
2
SPEAKER_03
No, it s Fred Wolf or something.
2
SPEAKER_02
This is the guy on the left is closer.
2
SPEAKER_02
I mean, what the fuck is happening?
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I m not getting a David Spade thing there at all.
2
SPEAKER_02
I don t.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s maybe Billy Mummy circa 1994.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
Maybe the bass player for any band from the 80s.
2
SPEAKER_03
I don t know.
2
SPEAKER_03
It feels like, not to crap on this dude, it s just more like, I don t think it s a perfect match.
2
SPEAKER_02
Have you ever, pop quiz, taken a picture and they thought, this is years ago when we were much younger.
2
SPEAKER_02
Sometimes people go, hey, David Spade, I loved you on Just Shoot Me.
2
SPEAKER_02
Have you ever taken a picture and they thought you were Dana Garfoe?
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, people think I m you, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
I mean, of course, I mean, most of our comments, some are very clever on YouTube and Instagram, but a lot of them are, you guys look similar.
2
SPEAKER_03
You go cut your hair.
2
SPEAKER_03
By the way, I did cut my hair on Instagram, so go fuck yourself.
2
SPEAKER_03
And I think if this guy had his hair shellacked up, it might help.
2
SPEAKER_02
First of all, that mustache, that little tiny mustache, that s a lady killer.
2
SPEAKER_02
No one wants to lip lock with that little caterpillar sitting there.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, this guy s dropping drawers all over the country.
2
SPEAKER_03
I mean, listen.
2
SPEAKER_02
The hair is kind of cool.
2
SPEAKER_02
You could probably... I don t know, but I don t see it.
2
SPEAKER_02
The guy on the left,
2
SPEAKER_02
kind of looks like Greg Holtzman.
2
SPEAKER_03
He looks like he s selling from Barstool.
2
SPEAKER_02
I was to try.
2
SPEAKER_02
OK, Heather, you re off there.
2
SPEAKER_02
Which which one would you if you had to take one as a lover left or right?
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, Greg Holtzman.
2
SPEAKER_03
I guess we re going to, Greg, put a picture of yourself up at the end.
2
SPEAKER_03
So they know we re kidding.
2
SPEAKER_03
All right, go to the next one.
2
SPEAKER_03
Let s see.
2
SPEAKER_03
We got some good stuff here.
2
SPEAKER_02
That s inspired.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s pretty funny, right?
2
SPEAKER_02
That is funny.
2
SPEAKER_02
That s funny.
2
SPEAKER_02
Whoever thought of that.
2
SPEAKER_02
I love just simple, silly things like that.
2
SPEAKER_02
Whoever sent that in, congratulations.
2
SPEAKER_02
I will steal it and I will claim it s mine.
2
SPEAKER_03
At least I m honest.
2
SPEAKER_03
Are we on to impressions or what are we on to?
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, there s this funny Instagram thing.
2
SPEAKER_00
Going for a fart walk is something that s going to help you age wonderfully.
2
SPEAKER_00
And if you follow me, you know that my husband and I go out for fart walks most nights after dinner.
2
SPEAKER_00
So about 60 minutes after we ve eaten, we put on our running shoes and off we go.
2
SPEAKER_00
Now, why do we do this?
2
SPEAKER_00
Well, we eat a lot of fiber, so we have gas.
2
SPEAKER_00
Everybody does.
2
SPEAKER_00
And yeah, you fart when you walk.
2
SPEAKER_00
So that s why I named it that.
2
SPEAKER_00
But the main reason that we do the FART walks is because by walking for as little as two minutes, we should walk for about 10, 15, 20, but not really quickly.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s more of a moderate walk.
2
SPEAKER_00
We are helping reduce our chances of developing type 2 diabetes.
2
SPEAKER_00
well that s what the theme of this is is helping maintain our blood sugars keeping them from ricocheting all around and as you age especially after forty uh... you have a bigger chance of developing type two diabetes so it s these little things you do on a regular basis that can have a really big impact what is susan saranding doing in this PSA?
2
SPEAKER_02
Susan Sarand is a good one i just can t believe bette midler is doing it
2
SPEAKER_03
Well, I take these, but they re just called walks.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I don t know where that funny nickname came in, but yeah, walking around is good.
2
SPEAKER_03
It s funny to have an attractive woman saying, I put on my fart shoes and take a fart walk.
2
SPEAKER_02
When I hosted the MTV Music Awards, whoops, the famous one in
3
SPEAKER_05
1993 Howard Stern did fart man.
3
SPEAKER_03
No, that s right only connecting and he was coming in on a gurney Brought down the house, okay This is a snake chiropractor, I feel like this is when you have too much money and too many snakes The snake dishes.
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh, yeah Thanks.
3
SPEAKER_03
Now I can go kill everybody.
3
SPEAKER_03
Well What is happening This is what I do to my wiener in the morning
3
SPEAKER_03
Get all the kinks out What what the snakes like who asked what are they trying to do this is a snake of a spine No, what a job to have mom.
3
SPEAKER_03
I finally figured out something.
3
SPEAKER_03
I m passionate about Snakes that have absolutely no pain or no problems.
3
SPEAKER_03
I m just I m fixing them this job bites.
3
SPEAKER_03
Good night Okay, that s that s a good ending.
3
SPEAKER_03
Okay, okay, okay?
3
SPEAKER_03
Birds are named stuff
3
SPEAKER_03
Like hot-breasted milf and no one does anything about it.
3
SPEAKER_03
Here s some bird names that are real.
3
SPEAKER_03
The somber tit.
3
SPEAKER_03
Okay, that s a real bird name.
3
SPEAKER_03
Dick Sisel.
3
SPEAKER_03
I went to school with a guy named Dick.
3
SPEAKER_03
Really?
3
SPEAKER_03
The red rumped bush tyrant.
3
SPEAKER_05
Oh, bushes are like a David, a David Letterman.
3
SPEAKER_03
This is like Johnny Carson.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_04
The the blue footed boobie.
3
SPEAKER_04
These are all these are all drinks you had.
3
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, right.
3
SPEAKER_04
I had a blue footed boobie at the slippery iron officer.
3
SPEAKER_04
The American bush it bush bush tit.
3
SPEAKER_04
Oh, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_04
And there it is.
3
SPEAKER_04
The American bush tit.
3
SPEAKER_04
Can we say that, Doc?
3
SPEAKER_04
A wood cock.
3
SPEAKER_02
And the Aldean cock of the rock.
3
SPEAKER_02
Ed, I think I had one of those when I was in Mykonos.
3
SPEAKER_04
The fluffy bat tit babbler.
3
SPEAKER_04
He s a gentleman.
3
SPEAKER_03
He looks like a... Dude, I ll take him to a party.
3
SPEAKER_05
Look at his wandering eye.
3
SPEAKER_05
He s really got a wandering eye.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
The tufted titmouse has my hairstylist.
3
SPEAKER_05
That s not you.
3
SPEAKER_05
Wait, my screen s going a little blurry.
3
SPEAKER_05
Wait, that s not you.
3
SPEAKER_05
Spade.
3
SPEAKER_05
Are you on the left or the right?
3
SPEAKER_05
That should be called the spadler.
3
SPEAKER_05
That should be called the spadler.
3
SPEAKER_03
The little spadoodle-do.
3
SPEAKER_03
Love it.
3
SPEAKER_03
What s next?
3
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh, it s impressions.
3
SPEAKER_03
Don t start yet.
3
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_03
Dana, this is a part of the show.
3
SPEAKER_03
Actually, we re gonna make a call out right now.
3
SPEAKER_03
We ve asked for people to give their impressions and they ve been kind of hit and miss.
3
SPEAKER_03
More hits.
3
SPEAKER_03
And next week, send us a video of advice you have.
3
SPEAKER_03
If you need advice or if you re thinking that you re an asshole or something, we will give you our super advice.
3
SPEAKER_05
Yes, we want advice, and we ve got some miles on us, so we have a lot of good advice to give.
3
SPEAKER_05
I don t want to brag, but we know a lot.
3
SPEAKER_03
Okay, this is Harrison Ford buying Halloween candy.
3
SPEAKER_03
I like the setup.
3
SPEAKER_03
Ford picking out Halloween candy.
3
SPEAKER_03
Minute 22 sounds long.
3
SPEAKER_01
I like it.
3
SPEAKER_01
I have a list here.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s alphabetical.
3
SPEAKER_01
Air support s a big deal.
3
SPEAKER_01
Airheads.
3
SPEAKER_05
He s got kind of a face.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
Atomic fireball.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, abzab is a funny term I used to use it.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
bazooka gum.
3
SPEAKER_01
Back away.
3
SPEAKER_01
Big hunk.
3
SPEAKER_03
Breathing in this breathing is funny.
3
SPEAKER_03
You know, honey, these are from 1940.
3
SPEAKER_03
Cow.
3
SPEAKER_03
What the fuck?
3
SPEAKER_01
Blow pop.
3
SPEAKER_03
How many does he have alphabetically?
3
SPEAKER_03
He s already only on B. Bottle cap.
3
SPEAKER_03
Bottle caps I like.
3
SPEAKER_01
Bottle cap.
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh.
3
SPEAKER_01
Candy corn.
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh, I like that.
3
SPEAKER_05
Give me back my vending machine.
3
SPEAKER_05
I m surprised he didn t at the end say Chewbacca.
3
SPEAKER_02
Let s go, Chewie.
3
SPEAKER_05
Corey Landis.
3
SPEAKER_05
Good job.
3
SPEAKER_05
I mean, your face actually at times kind of looked like Harrison Ford, the pausing and the breathing.
3
SPEAKER_05
And you took part of Harrison Ford s acting chops of being just really anxious, very under, very like a it s about to explode thing that he does.
3
SPEAKER_03
And he s got a lot of nose breathing, a lot of nose breathing.
3
SPEAKER_03
Hmm.
3
SPEAKER_05
Did you know that when George Lucas called up the guy who played Chewbacca, that he wasn t in the next movie, all he heard on the phone was
3
SPEAKER_03
And he knew he was playing it or he wasn t playing it.
3
SPEAKER_03
They re letting him go.
3
SPEAKER_03
And that s what he says.
3
SPEAKER_03
That s all he has to say.
3
SPEAKER_05
Yeah, he talks like, well, how does Chewbacca sound?
3
SPEAKER_03
No, that was it.
3
SPEAKER_03
That was it.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, that seems like the same thing he d say if he was happy.
3
SPEAKER_05
That s the joke, ladies and folks.
3
SPEAKER_03
By the way, I hope this next guy is not doing Elmo.
3
SPEAKER_03
Okay, here we go.
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh, Elmo is Joe Pesci.
3
SPEAKER_03
Jeremy.
3
SPEAKER_03
Nice.
3
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_00
Maybe it s me?
3
SPEAKER_00
Maybe I m a little fucked up?
3
SPEAKER_00
Maybe I m funny how?
3
SPEAKER_00
I mean funny like I m a clown?
3
SPEAKER_00
I amuse you?
3
SPEAKER_00
I make you laugh?
3
SPEAKER_00
I m here to fucking amuse you?
3
SPEAKER_00
What do you mean funny?
3
SPEAKER_00
Funny how?
3
SPEAKER_00
How am I funny?
3
SPEAKER_05
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_00
I like it.
3
SPEAKER_05
I liked it.
3
SPEAKER_05
I liked it.
3
SPEAKER_05
I do just the innocent puppet with that speech.
3
SPEAKER_05
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_05
From Goodfellas is great.
3
SPEAKER_05
I m like a clown doing a music show.
3
SPEAKER_03
No, how am I funny?
3
SPEAKER_03
Spider, come here.
3
SPEAKER_05
Spider.
3
SPEAKER_05
How am I fucking funny?
3
SPEAKER_05
I don t know, you re just funny.
3
SPEAKER_05
Sorry, trying to do Ray Liotta.
3
SPEAKER_03
Was Ray Liotta saying that or was it Spider?
3
SPEAKER_05
Ray Liotta was the one who was put on the hot seat by Pesci.
3
SPEAKER_05
Oh yeah, and Spider, he shot in the foot.
3
SPEAKER_05
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_05
And Pesci had an experience like that with gangsters that did that to him.
3
SPEAKER_05
That s why he used it.
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh, that s great.
3
SPEAKER_03
That s a great.
3
SPEAKER_03
Now, before this guy says what he s doing, what do you think he s going to do?
3
SPEAKER_03
I think he s going to do.
3
SPEAKER_03
Adam Driver.
3
SPEAKER_05
Oh, it s a good choice.
3
SPEAKER_05
I ll say Tom Cruise just for fun, because he s got the hair.
3
SPEAKER_05
All right.
3
SPEAKER_06
Hey, Dana.
3
SPEAKER_06
Hey, David.
3
SPEAKER_06
My name is Justin.
3
SPEAKER_06
I went a little overboard with my impression, but I hope you still like it.
3
SPEAKER_06
It s called, What If Johnny Carson Had a Podcast?
3
SPEAKER_07
Oh, beep, boop, boop, boop.
3
SPEAKER_07
OK.
3
SPEAKER_07
Introduction.
3
SPEAKER_07
What s up, guys?
3
SPEAKER_07
Welcome to I Did Not Know That with me, Johnny Carson.
3
SPEAKER_07
My first guest really needs no introduction.
3
SPEAKER_07
He s got the number one podcast for the last 50 years.
3
SPEAKER_07
Please welcome Bob Hope.
3
SPEAKER_07
Bob, oh, okay.
3
SPEAKER_07
Now Bob, I saw you posted a pic on Instagram of you playing a round of golf with President Putin.
3
SPEAKER_07
Is that right?
3
SPEAKER_07
Yeah, ain t that wild?
3
SPEAKER_07
Thank you, Bob.
3
SPEAKER_07
What s that, Fred?
3
SPEAKER_07
Oh, hold on there, Bob.
3
SPEAKER_07
We need to step away for a moment, but first, a word from our new sponsor.
3
SPEAKER_07
Let me tell you about Stamps.com.
3
SPEAKER_07
Now you can pay for stamps right at home.
3
SPEAKER_07
Use promo code GANGBUSTERS to get 20% off your first order.
3
SPEAKER_07
I don t know why that s funny.
3
SPEAKER_07
Right back with Cat Williams.
3
SPEAKER_03
Cat Williams?
3
SPEAKER_03
Cat Williams?
3
SPEAKER_03
I wanted to hear Cat Williams.
3
SPEAKER_04
All right, so we liked it, we liked it.
3
SPEAKER_04
I would just say, try to make your, try to get it down here a little deeper, you know, just, just sort of clench your jaw, just even a little bit more like you had your jaw wired shut and just try to keep it right here.
3
SPEAKER_04
I did not know that.
3
SPEAKER_04
I did not know that.
3
SPEAKER_03
Sorry.
3
SPEAKER_05
I say, I want to educate as much as be funny.
3
SPEAKER_03
You do.
3
SPEAKER_03
That s good.
3
SPEAKER_03
That s what you gave me.
3
SPEAKER_05
You gave me some tips.
3
SPEAKER_05
OK, those are good.
3
SPEAKER_03
All right.
3
SPEAKER_03
I guess that s it, Dana.
3
SPEAKER_05
Well, no, I have one.
3
SPEAKER_05
I m going to do a little ad.
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh, I thought you re going to model a little ad.
3
SPEAKER_05
You can tag it.
3
SPEAKER_05
You know, OK, this is Trump and Biden.
3
SPEAKER_05
Folks, come on, let s get real.
3
SPEAKER_05
The American public wants anyone but us.
3
SPEAKER_05
That s right.
3
SPEAKER_05
My people ate you and your people ate me.
3
SPEAKER_05
That s why we ve decided to join forces.
3
SPEAKER_05
Me, Donald Trump and me, Joe Biden.
3
SPEAKER_05
We re going to run together to become the presidents of the United States.
3
SPEAKER_05
This ad was this ad was paid for by the committee to elect by rump.
4
SPEAKER_00
Wait a minute, take two.
4
SPEAKER_00
This ad paid for by the committee to elect the Buy Rump Ticket.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m David Spade and I did not approve this shit show.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m David Spade and I did not approve this shit show.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m David Spade and I don t get it.
4
SPEAKER_01
Now, it s funny that they everybody hates both of them.
4
SPEAKER_01
Somebody else, the other one.
4
SPEAKER_00
Everybody hates me.
4
SPEAKER_00
Everybody hates me.
4
SPEAKER_00
We re running together.
4
SPEAKER_00
We re running on the buy rum ticket.
4
SPEAKER_00
Biden and Rump, you put it together.
4
SPEAKER_00
You got to buy rum ticket.
4
SPEAKER_00
Vote by rum.
4
SPEAKER_00
We re going to be president of the United States.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
Let me say something.
4
SPEAKER_00
You don t talk so good, OK?
4
SPEAKER_00
I think that s not a bad solution because paid for by the committee to elect the president.
4
SPEAKER_00
Ticket of buy rump.
4
SPEAKER_00
Sorry.
4
SPEAKER_01
Paid for by the committee to ruin the country.
4
SPEAKER_01
I think it s a good idea, though, because people if they secretly join forces, then people would you know, you d be half happy.
4
SPEAKER_00
Right.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m at 42, he s at 36, you put it together, we got an approval rating of 75!
4
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s not even 100.
4
SPEAKER_00
Together they can t even get through all that.
4
SPEAKER_00
What s the undecided and the independence?
4
SPEAKER_00
I like that.
4
SPEAKER_00
Alright.
4
SPEAKER_00
Alright, good job.
4
SPEAKER_01
This has been a presentation of Odyssey, Superfly, as executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman.
4
SPEAKER_01
Hope you liked it.