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Bring a little optimism into your life with The Bright Side, a new kind of daily podcast from Hello Sunshine, hosted by me, Danielle Robay.
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And me, Simone Boyce.
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Every weekday, we re bringing you conversations about culture, the latest trends, inspiration, and so much more.
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I am so excited about this podcast, The Bright Side.
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You guys are giving people a chance to shine a light on their lives, shine a light on a little advice that they want to share.
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Listen to The Bright Side on America s number one podcast network, iHeart.
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Open your free iHeart app and search The Bright Side.
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Something that makes me crazy is when people say, well, I had this career before, but it was a waste.
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And that s where the perspective shift comes, that it s not a waste, that everything you ve done has built you to where you are now.
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This is She Pivots, the podcast where we explore the inspiring pivots women have made and dig deeper into the personal reasons behind them.
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Join me, Emily Tish Sussman, every Wednesday on She Pivots.
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Listen to She Pivots on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Get emotional with me, Radhi Devlukia, in my new podcast, A Really Good Cry.
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We re going to be talking with some of my best friends.
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I didn t know we were going to go there on this.
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People that I admire.
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When we say listen to your body, really tune in to what s going on.
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Authors of books that have changed my life.
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Now you re talking about sympathy, which is different than empathy.
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Never forget, it s OK to cry as long as you make it a really good one.
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Listen to A Really Good Cry with Radhi Devlukia on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Let s be honest, life is stressful.
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It s work, it s relationships, and the state of the world.
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But there s a way to bring that stress level down.
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Calm.
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It s the number one app for mental wellness with tons of content to manage anxiety, promote concentration, and help you unwind.
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There s music, meditation, and more.
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Calm makes it easy to de-stress.
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You can literally do a one-minute breathing exercise.
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Personally, I love the soundscapes.
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Nothing like a little rain on leaves to help soothe my nervous system.
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I ve actually been working with calm for a couple of years now and I d love for you to check out my series on reducing overwhelm.
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8 short practices, quick relief.
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Right now, listeners of On Purpose get 40% off a subscription to Calm Premium at calm.com forward slash j. That s c-a-l-m.com forward slash j-a-y for 40% off.
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Calm your mind, change your life.
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You can t hate yourself into changing because you don t invest, you don t give time, you don t give energy to someone you hate.
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So if you hate yourself, how can you bring out the best in yourself?
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If you hate yourself, how can you build a life that you re excited by?
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The number one health and wellness podcast.
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Jay Shetty.
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Jay Shetty.
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The one, the only, Jay Shetty.
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Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health and wellness podcast in the world.
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Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to become happier, healthier, and more healed.
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If you re here right now, it s because you believe that your mental health is a priority in your life.
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And I m so grateful that in 2024, you re making the time, taking the time, investing your energy
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in making this a top top priority.
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Now today s episode is all about how to silence your inner critic when he gets too loud and tells you to give up.
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How many of you in the last seven days have heard your inner critic say you re not good enough?
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Well then this episode is for you.
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How many of you have heard your inner critic say you just can t get it together can you?
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Well then, this episode is for you.
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How many of you have heard your inner critic say, have you seen what they re doing?
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Have you seen how far behind you are already?
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Can you believe it s only the end of January and you ve already fallen apart?
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If the answer is yes, this episode is for you.
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Research shows that only 9% of people that make resolutions complete them.
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In fact, research goes on to show that 23% of people quit their resolution by the end of the first week and 43% quit by the end of January.
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If you are one of those people, this episode is for you.
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And by the way, some of you may still be going on strong, but your inner critic is still loud.
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Even if you re nailing your New Year s resolution, you re getting it right, you re on point, you re still hearing that voice say, you re not good enough, you re not strong enough, you re not moving fast enough, you re not getting better enough.
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So interesting.
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Now, what s really interesting is we re not struggling because we broke our New Year s resolution.
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We break our New Year s resolution because of how we talk to ourselves.
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Think about that for a second.
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The reason we quit doing something is because of the story we tell ourselves about it.
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Think about the last time you quit something.
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Think about the last time you gave up on something.
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Think about the last time you had a habit that you couldn t keep up.
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I promise you that somewhere your inner critic told you that you should feel guilty
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embarrassed, ashamed because of where you were and there s no point in carrying on.
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You fell off once and your inner critic said, you re just going to fall off again.
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What s the point?
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Or you were doing something brilliantly and your inner critic said, you re still behind.
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You ll never catch up.
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We don t fail because we re not disciplined.
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It s because of how we talk to ourselves when we mess up.
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When we lose a sense of discipline, a habit, a routine, the way we talk to ourselves is what steals away our momentum, our drive, our enthusiasm, our energy.
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It s how we speak to ourselves in the quiet moments, in the silent moments, in the moments in between that defines what happens outside of it.
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Now,
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I m sure all of you are listening right now and thinking, Jay, I can relate to all of this.
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And what s fascinating when I was looking at the research is there are two broad types of self-criticism from a researcher named Sullivan, a clinical psychologist based in Atlanta.
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Now, some of these thoughts, this inner critic, is first-person I statements, like, I m so lazy.
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I m so complacent.
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I m so not smart enough, right?
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Whatever it may be, it s I m so fill in the blank.
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And other people use second person language, like you didn t go to the gym all week, or you re not good enough, or you re never going to get that job, or you could never start a podcast.
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This second type of statement tends to be really, really challenging to listen to.
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And Sullivan says that our brains process those thoughts as if someone in a position of authority is talking to us.
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They know all our flaws, and they pretend like they can predict the future.
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When you re hearing that voice that says, you can t do it, you re not good enough, you re not smart enough,
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it s actually even more challenging.
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So whether you re hearing I m so lazy or whether you re hearing you re so lazy, I m going to share with you seven principles, seven tips and hacks to help you navigate your inner critic and build a healthier relationship with the inner critic so that you can actually engage in a dialogue with it.
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Now these tips
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are super practical, super accessible.
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You ll be able to implement them right away from today.
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You won t have to buy something or develop a new skill or tool or whatever it may be.
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You ll be able to do this today.
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So take a screenshot of your favorite ones, make notes, share this with a friend, because this episode is going to help you become kinder to yourself, more compassionate to yourself, yet still let you be driven and ambitious.
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I think that s our worry.
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Our worry is that if we re not hard on ourselves, then we won t achieve great things.
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But we re scared that if we re too kind to ourselves, then we ll be lethargic or complacent.
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Right?
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How many times have you ever thought to yourself, well, if I don t put pressure on myself, then I m just going to coast.
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And how many times have you tried to think, well, I m going to put so much pressure on myself, but that also limits your ability.
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So in this episode, I m going to help you understand how do you navigate the inner critic so that you can still be ambitious and driven.
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and succeed in whatever way you describe that word.
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And at the same time, be kind, compassionate, and mindful.
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Now, let me ask you a question.
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When was the last time you helped someone that you hate?
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If your answer was never, great.
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If your answer was, actually, I do remember helping someone I hate.
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How consistently and how constantly did you help that person?
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Generally, we don t help people that we hate.
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We don t invest in people that we hate, especially not consistently or constantly.
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So think about this.
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We think we can hate ourselves into changing, but you can only love yourself into changing.
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Let me say that again, you can t hate yourself into changing because you don t invest, you don t give time, you don t give energy to someone you hate.
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So if you hate yourself, how can you bring out the best in yourself?
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If you hate yourself, how can you build a life that you re excited by?
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So just recognizing that this mindset of, I m going to criticize myself, I m going to put pressure on myself, I m going to hate myself into changing, I m going to hate myself into being better, doesn t make sense.
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And by the way, we do this to the people we love in our lives.
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We often think that if I make someone feel bad enough,
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they ll be good to me.
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If I make someone feel like they re messing up, they ll get better.
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How many times have people improved because of shame, because of guilt?
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How many people have you shamed into change?
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How many people have you guilted into change?
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How many people have you humiliated into change?
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And how many people have you criticized into change?
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Maybe they did it for a bit, but not long-term.
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We can t guilt people into change.
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You can t shame people into change.
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You can t embarrass people into change.
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So stop doing it to yourself.
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You can t hate yourself into change.
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We change because someone believes in us.
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We change because someone loves us.
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We change because someone invests in us.
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You will change because you invest in yourself.
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You will change because you believe in yourself.
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You will change because you love yourself.
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If you want to be better, be better with yourself.
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If you want to do more, be kinder to yourself.
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That s what you ll respond to.
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How many people in your life respond positively to hate, guilt, or shame?
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Yet we all still try to hate, guilt and shame ourselves into positive change.
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This is your reminder to be more compassionate, more kind and more loving.
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I was saying this to a friend the other day.
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who are saying that all he does is gives himself a hard time.
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He ll overanalyze every situation, every conversation, a presentation at work.
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He ll relive that moment again and again and again in his head and keep telling himself, it should have been better, it could have been better.
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If only he did this, if only he did that.
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What does that do?
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It makes him feel discouraged.
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But what if he said to himself, let s make a plan of how to be better next time.
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Let s make a plan of how we re going to improve next time.
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Let s actually take a look at what we did great and where we can grow.
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Let s look at both greatness and growth in ourselves.
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Let s not be blind to our flaws.
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Let s not be falsely flattering or complimentary.
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We don t want that either.
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but let s focus on greatness and growth within ourselves.
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After a presentation, asking yourself, what was great about it?
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Okay, where can I grow?
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After a phone call, a tough one, what was I great at?
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What can I grow at?
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We re so quick to judge ourselves and point out all the growth and actually not even growth, we point out the guilt, but we avoid the growth and the greatness.
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Remember,
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You can only love yourself into change.
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You can only love yourself into change.
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You can t hate yourself into change.
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The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is an NAACP and Webby Award-winning podcast dedicated to all things mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves.
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Here, we have the conversations that help Black women decipher how their pasts inform who they are today,
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and use that information to decide who they want to be moving forward.
1
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We chat about things like how to establish routines that center self-care, what burnout looks and feels like, and defining what aspects of our lives are making us happy and what parts are holding us back.
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I m your host, Dr. Joy Harden-Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia.
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And I can t wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday.
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Listen to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Take good care, and we ll see you there.
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Tune in to the new podcast, Stories from the Village of Nothing Much, like easy listening, but for fiction.
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If you ve overdosed on bad news, we invite you into a world where the glimmers of goodness in everyday life are all around you.
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I m Katherine Nicolai, and you might know me from the Bedtime Story podcast, Nothing Much Happens.
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I m an architect of cozy, and I invite you to come spend some time where everyone is welcome and kindness is the default.
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When you tune in, you ll hear stories about bakeries and walks in the woods, a favorite booth at the diner on a blustery autumn day, cats and dogs, unrescued goats and donkeys, old houses, bookshops, beaches where kites fly and pretty stones are found.
1
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I have so many stories to tell you, and they are all designed to help you feel good and feel connected to what is good in the world.
1
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Listen, relax, enjoy.
1
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Listen to stories from the Village of Nothing Much on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
1
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Get emotional with me, Radhi Devlukia, in my new podcast, A Really Good Cry.
1
SPEAKER_01
We re going to talk about and go through all the things that are sometimes difficult to process alone.
1
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We re going to go over how to regulate your emotions, diving deep into holistic personal development, and just building your mindset to have a happier, healthier life.
1
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We re going to be talking with some of my best friends.
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I didn t know we were going to go there.
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People that I admire.
1
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When we say listen to your body, really tune in to what s going on.
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Authors of books that have changed my life.
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Now you re talking about sympathy, which is different than empathy, right?
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And basically have conversations that can help us get through this crazy thing we call life.
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I already believe in myself.
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I already see myself.
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And so when people give me an opportunity, I m just like, oh, great, you see me too.
1
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We ll laugh together, we ll cry together and find a way through all of our emotions.
1
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Never forget, it s OK to cry as long as you make it a really good one.
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Listen to A Really Good Cry with Radhi Devlukia on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Step number two.
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This is a really important step.
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Give your inner critic a name.
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If we want to remove that idea of you re lazy or I m lazy, we have to shift to recognizing that your inner critic is an external voice, that it isn t your voice.
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It s not how you feel about yourself.
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And this is a really, really important tool because
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This next point that I want to share, and these both are correlated and connected, is your inner critic, it s not your voice, because someone said it to you first.
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You may think it s your belief, but it s not your belief.
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You heard it from someone before.
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I remember having a client whose mom used to tell her that she looked
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overweight, that she looked fat, that she didn t look good when she was a young girl.
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And as she grew older, no matter how her body shaped and shifted and everything else, she still had that inner voice.
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No matter what she wore, if she wore a color that her mother didn t like, she heard her mother s voice.
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What happens though, is that over time,
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The person s voice merges into sounding like yours.
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If you repeat someone else s statement enough in your mind, it sounds like it s your own voice.
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So I want you to think about it.
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Who said it to you first?
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And you might even name it that person.
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So if it was your mom, if it was your dad, if it was the teacher at school that kept saying something to you that has become that voice, maybe let s give that name to that voice.
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That way we can recognize that it s a conversation between us and our teacher or us and our parents as opposed
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to us and ourselves.
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We start recognizing that it isn t how we feel about ourselves.
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that this is an adopted belief, that this is a belief that we ve picked up.
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How does that help?
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When you give your inner critic a name, you start recognizing that this is a conversation, that this is a relationship that you ve built, that you can distance from, that you can disconnect from, that it isn t something within you.
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And when you identify who said it to you first, you also start to recognize how careful we have to be
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In the influences we allow into our space and now we don t want to find other people who reaffirm that voice often if we had a parent that treated us that way.
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We also find a partner who treats us that way because it feels familiar.
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It feels relatable.
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And Thich Nhat Hanh talked a lot about this, this idea that we crave familiar pain.
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So you would rather repeat a toxic familiar pattern than break it to experience an unfamiliar uncertain pattern.
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So you would rather choose toxic familiarity than untoxic uncertainty.
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Let me say that again.
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You would rather choose toxic familiarity than untoxic uncertainty.
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because we d rather deal with problems that we re aware of than the challenge of a new problem.
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So often what we do is if our parents believed a certain thing about us, we find a partner who believes it as well.
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Or we do the opposite.
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We try and find a partner who adores us and makes that feeling go away, but guess what?
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It doesn t because the voice is still in our heads.
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We re looking for the partner who tells us the opposite without forgetting the message we ve gained from our parents.
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So give your inner critic a name.
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Name it after that teacher or that parent so you can make it a conversation.
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Or give it an imaginary name to even weaken it further, to remove that authority from it.
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And who said it to you first, recognize that this isn t your voice and actually say that.
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Whenever you hear that inner voice say, this is not me.
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This is not my voice.
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I am not my thoughts.
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I am not my mind.
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Actually repeat that with me right now.
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I am not my thoughts.
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I can choose my thoughts.
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I can choose which thoughts to give energy to.
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I can choose the voice inside my head.
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Step number four is remove the I am statement.
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Instead of saying I am lazy, say I am experiencing laziness.
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I m experiencing whatever emotion it may be, allowing yourself to create some distance from that emotion.
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Or what I accept is, I may say, I am feeling lazy and I m going to make a plan.
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I am feeling tired and I m going to get to bed early tonight.
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So if you re accepting it, you can say the I am, but you re still saying I am feeling instead of saying you are.
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Right, that distance allows you to disconnect from that inner critic.
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It allows you to create some space between you and that inner critic so you can now fill that space with enthusiasm and energy.
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The repetition of I m lazy, I m not good enough, I m not smart enough, I can t do that.
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What that does is it creates a story and a narrative that you repeat and perpetuate in your life.
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Step number five.
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This one has probably been my favorite one because I think what we often try and do is we try to silence the inner critic before taking the right step.
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And this is pretty tough because the inner critic doesn t go away.
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I still have an inner critic today, right?
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After all these years, I still have an inner critic.
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It still shows up.
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It still turns up because over years I d heard things.
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You re not good enough at that.
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You can t do that.
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You re going to lose everything.
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You don t deserve this, whatever it may have been.
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Right it still appears and what I realize is that I have a few choices with it.
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I can either think okay I need to get rid of this door and then I ll live my life.
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Right once I get rid of this door then I ll take action and actually it s the opposite.
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Don t let it stop you from making the right choice or taking action.
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You can be self-critical and still work out.
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You can be self-critical and still meditate.
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So often what we do is our mind says, oh, you missed meditation yesterday.
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What s the point of meditating today?
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And then you think, all right, well, let s not meditate today.
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Well, no, you can be critical of yourself and still turn up to meditation.
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You can be critical of yourself and still work out.
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And it s better to take the right action because the right action will allow you to gain more strength to have a healthier conversation.
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You ll then be able to say, well, I worked out today and I feel great.
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So I m going to keep working out.
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And guess what?
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I feel great when I work out.
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So I m going to keep working out.
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I m going to keep building that muscle.
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So don t let something stop you from making and taking the right choice and right decision.
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So many of us block ourselves because of a couple of misses, because of a belief about ourselves.
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How many of you have missed out on a great opportunity that was offered to you because somewhere you felt you don t deserve that opportunity?
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Maybe you bumped into someone and they said to, hey, message me.
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I d love to talk to you about this opportunity.
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And you didn t even message because you were so scared that you d mess it up and you d rather not even turn up.
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You d rather not even go there.
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How many of you in your life have tried something and because it didn t work out one day, because one day didn t go wrong, you changed your belief about yourself?
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Please, please, please, your inner critic is a retrainable voice.
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Your inner critic is not a truth.
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Your inner critic is not a reality.
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Your inner critic is a changeable, trainable voice.
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And that s what we re trying to do here.
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We re trying to make it a voice that is like your coach in your mind, that is going to excel and allow you to want to do better.
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Ask yourself,
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When you want a friend to improve, when you want to encourage, cheer, and enthuse your friend, how do you talk to them?
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How would you explain them to be better?
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And this is an activity that I want you to do.
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Find the area of your life where you most overthink, overanalyze, and overwhelm yourself.
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What s something that triggers you regularly into your inner critic, giving you a hard and tough time?
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Let s say that when you make a mistake at work, that s when you re the kind of person that wants to lock yourself in a bathroom and completely, you know, attack yourself.
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In that moment, I want you to ask yourself this question.
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How would I connect with a friend?
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How would I connect with a loved one if they just told me this news?
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How would I talk to them?
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Not what would I say to them?
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How would I talk to them?
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I m sure it s with love.
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I m sure it s with empathy.
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I m sure it s with compassion.
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Okay, now what would you say to them?
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You wouldn t just say to them, hey, it s all going to be fine.
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And you wouldn t say to them, oh, you really messed up this time.
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You re the worst.
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You re going to get fired.
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You d say, hey, let s figure out how we can avoid this mistake in the future.
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Let s figure out how to improve this situation right now.
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Let s build the skill set we need in order to perform better.
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Notice how the way you talk to yourself transforms how you talk to others and how you listen to others.
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I ve realized that when I miss a day of going to the gym, giving myself grace allows me to commit again tomorrow.
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Making myself guilty may force me to work out today, but it doesn t last.
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Let s say I have a day where I eat unhealthy, or a couple of days where I ate something that I know wasn t good for me, and then I can berate myself, I can criticize myself, I can slander myself, I can do all of that stuff,
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But if I actually ask myself, hey, why did that happen?
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What was it about that day that drove me to that decision?
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Oh, I was tired.
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Oh, I was jet lagged.
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Oh yeah, that was the day where I was feeling really stressed, understood.
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Okay, so let me make sure that I m resting more.
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Let me make sure that I m sleeping better this weekend and then I ll make better choices.
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Checking in with yourself and asking yourself, why was that?
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Why did I do that?
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Why did I miss going to the gym?
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What was the reason?
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Rather than being like, you missed going to the gym, you re the worst.
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Now, a couple more things I want to mention to you.
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We have to start journaling our wins and good moments.
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We have to start sharing them more deeply.
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What we usually do is when something good happens in our life, we celebrate for a day.
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But when something bad happens in our life,
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we cry for a month.
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It s no wonder that our negative thoughts become more pronounced, right?
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If you get something wrong, you literally tell yourself every day for a week, I m the worst, I should have done better.
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But if you get something right, you may say once, oh yeah, I did good.
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And whether we re being modest, whether we re playing ourselves down, whatever it may be, we re training our mind to say, when I do something wrong, I go really hard on myself.
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And when I do something well, I consider it to be easy.
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I consider it to be expected.
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We expect greatness from ourselves, and so we only amplify our weaknesses and flaws.
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Next time you do something right, next time you do something well, I want you to journal it deeply.
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I want you to share it with a friend.
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And by the way, I got into a bad habit of this.
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A few years ago, when I was really grateful that so many of my dreams were coming true, when I was speaking to friends, I started to play down my achievements because I didn t want to make other people feel uncomfortable.
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And while I was well-intentioned, what ended up happening is I started becoming more negative.
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Because what I was doing is I was amplifying my negative experience and minimizing my positive experience.
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Now, if you do this consistently, what ends up happening is you re spending more time talking about the mistakes and flaws and spending less time talking about your successes.
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Now, I m not telling you to be arrogant and walk around being like, look what I achieved, look what I did.
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That s not the point.
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But the point is, if you don t deeply cherish
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Welcome, celebrate your successes deeply.
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You re training your mind to be more critical than a cheerleader.
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We need to strengthen the cheerleader in our mind.
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Not the arrogant person, not the egotistic person, but the cheerleader that says, you re doing great.
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You re on the right path.
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You re making the right choices.
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Keep going.
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Not the voice that says, you re the best in the world.
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No one s as good as you.
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Everyone else sucks, right?
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It s not that voice.
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So notice the difference between the critic, the cheerleader, and the person who s actually cheating you, right?
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We re not trying to be cheated by our ego.
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We re trying to be challenged and enthused by the cheerleader.
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Final step, at the end of every day, write down three things you did that day that you did well.
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Three things, it could be as simple as washing the dishes and saying to yourself, today I did a really good job washing the dishes.
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It could be you got the laundry done.
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It could be that you wrote that article, you launched that podcast, you got to the gym, whatever it is.
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What are three things you did that you did well today, that you made happen today?
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We have to start retraining that thought because guess what?
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Most of us, when our head hits the pillow, we ll list all the things we didn t do.
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This isn t positive thinking.
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This is improving the conversation in your head.
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If your head hits the pillow and you go, I didn t do that.
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I didn t do that.
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I didn t do that.
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Basically what you re saying is you re a failure.
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But if you said to yourself, okay, I didn t do those three things, but I did that and I did that and I did that.
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All right, I m doing okay.
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I m doing good.
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I can do better, but I m doing good.
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I really hope that this episode helps you silence, calm and navigate your inner critic.
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I m hoping that you can be kinder and more compassionate to yourself so that you can be more successful, so that you can achieve more, so that you can be more impactful.
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And I m wishing you a year of productivity, performance, but also patience, calmness, and love.
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Thank you so much for listening.
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Please leave a review on any podcast app that you re listening to this on right now.
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Look out, every Monday, there s a new episode with a guest.
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Every Friday, there s a new episode with me.
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And of course, you ve got five years of episodes to listen to.
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So there s plenty of episodes to go through.
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Enjoy it.
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Make sure you ve subscribed.
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Turn on your notifications because I know a lot of you have been missing some of my episodes.
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I don t want you to miss out on On Purpose in 2024.
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We re on the journey to happiness, health and healing together.
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If you love this episode, you will also love my interview with Kendall Jenner on setting boundaries to increase happiness and healing your inner child.
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You could be reading something that someone is saying about you and being like, that is so unfair because that s not who I am.
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And that really gets to me sometimes.
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But then looking at myself in the mirror and being like, but I know who I am.
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Why does anything else matter?
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You don t put those inside of you, do you?
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This is a show about women.
3
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I mean, you do.
3
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Finally, a show about women that isn t just a thinly veiled aspirational nightmare.
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It s not hosted, not narrated.
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We re just dropping into a woman s world.
3
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I found out when my dad was gay when I was 10.
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We were in a convertible on the 405 freeway, listening to the B-52s.
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Looking back, I should have said, this is gay.
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This is already all gay.
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Listen to finally a show on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
3
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Imagine you asked two people the same seven questions.
3
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I m Minnie Driver, and this was the idea I set out to explore in my podcast, Minnie Questions.
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This year, we bring a whole new group of guests to answer the same seven questions, including Courtney Cox, Rob Delaney, Liz Phair, and many, many more.
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Join me on season three of Minnie Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your favorite podcasts.
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Seven questions, limitless answers.
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Hey, everybody, welcome to Across Generations, where the voices of Black women unite.
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I m your host, Tiffany Cross.
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Join me and be a part of sisterhood, friendship, wisdom, and laughter.
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We gather a seasoned elder, myself as the middle generation, and a vibrant young soul for engaging intergenerational conversations, prepare to engage or hear perspectives that literally no one else has had.
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Listen to Across Generations podcasts on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.