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This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol.
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The joy they brought to the nation.
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You re free completely.
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No one is there to destroy you.
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The danger they endured.
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They said my head should be cut off.
0
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I m John Legend.
0
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Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
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Guess what, Will?
0
SPEAKER_04
What s up, Mango?
0
SPEAKER_04
I ve been trying to write a promo for our podcast, Part-Time Genius, but even though we ve done over 250 episodes, we don t really talk about murders or cults.
0
SPEAKER_03
I mean, we did just cover the Illuminati of cheese, so I feel like that makes us pretty edgy.
0
SPEAKER_03
We also solve mysteries like how Chinese is your Chinese food and how do dollar stores make money?
0
SPEAKER_03
And then, of course, can you game a dog show?
0
SPEAKER_03
So what you re saying is everyone should be listening.
0
SPEAKER_03
Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
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Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt, and we re the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
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It s a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
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Like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
0
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Let s learn about all of it and then some.
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Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on America s number one podcast network, iHeart.
0
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Open your free iHeart app and search Grown Up Stuff.
0
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You have to be honest with yourself about why are you still here?
0
SPEAKER_06
Why are you holding on?
0
SPEAKER_06
What s really driving you?
0
SPEAKER_06
You don t feel like starting the process over with somebody else.
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So, even though you re not feeling it with him, you re wasting your time.
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SPEAKER_04
The best-selling author and host.
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The number one health and wellness podcast.
0
SPEAKER_04
On Purpose with Jay Shetty.
0
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Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world.
0
SPEAKER_01
Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to become happier, healthier, and more healed.
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And today s guest is here to help us do that in love, in relationships.
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in the area of our life that we value so deeply but often make so many mistakes around.
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I m speaking to Stéphane Labossière, a certified relationship coach, a speaker and author.
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Stéphane seizes every opportunity to help both men and women overcome the challenges that hinder their relationships.
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Stefan is highly sought after because he s able to dispel the myths of relationship breakdowns and obstacles, platonic, romantic, and otherwise, with finesse.
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SPEAKER_01
Stefan s new book is out now called Best of Me.
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SPEAKER_01
And I can t wait to dive into this conversation.
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SPEAKER_01
Stefan, it s been a long time coming.
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SPEAKER_01
Absolutely.
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SPEAKER_01
I can t believe this is the first time we re actually sitting together.
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SPEAKER_01
I ve watched your videos, I ve read quotes.
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SPEAKER_01
It s been amazing watching you, man, and congrats on everything.
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SPEAKER_06
Thank you, I truly appreciate that.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, it s good to be with you.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I think let s just dive right in, because I think me and you can really get into this.
0
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What are the signs that someone deeply loves you?
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Because I feel like we live in this world where we re always wondering, do they love me?
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Do they like me?
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Do they really like me?
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Are they really into me?
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How do you know when you deeply love someone and when someone deeply loves you?
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How do you even know?
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So, I m going to start with an answer that people probably won t expect.
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To me the first key is do you truly love them?
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Because look at it like this, to me a lot of people get caught up in infatuation, they have unhealthy attachments, they have different motivations to why they decided this is the person that I want.
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And that can make them feel like they re in love.
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But to me true love flows both ways.
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It s not a one-sided thing.
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So, when you can say I m not into them like that.
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If we look deep into that situation I can almost guarantee what we ll find is infatuation, attachment, something else.
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But when you can say no, I feel it too.
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I m deeply in love with them.
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I think that s your first key.
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Because without that nothing else matters.
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Because a lot of people are choosing partners based off of well, they love me so much so I assume it s safe here and this is a good choice to make.
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But the safe choice is usually the wrong choice.
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And a lot of these people select this individual thinking everything s going to be okay.
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But because you re not really into them you can never be what they need.
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and they were never truly what you needed which is why you never even got to that level with them.
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So, to choose them without first evaluating do you truly love them would not be wise.
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Yeah, that s a great question and I think people struggle with that question too because
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I think we think of love as so many different things wrapped into one.
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For example, I could think I love someone because of how they treat me.
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I could think I love someone because they have one quality that I really wish I had.
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Or I could love someone because I think that they re out of my league and they give me a bit of attention.
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And so what we think is love
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is so complex and so wide that we never stop to ask ourselves, like, what does love mean?
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Like, what s the definition of love?
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Like, how do I define love?
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So how do you define love and how do you encourage other people to create their definitions of love?
0
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Well, for me first off is always God is love.
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And then when we take it from there love is about kindness, compassion, patience, understanding, a willingness to be selfless and pour into that individual.
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But I think what s also important for people to understand is when we re trying to apply it to romantic relationships
0
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we have to understand that there s other ingredients that are necessary before we can move forward.
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So, you could love someone dearly, but if they are not emotionally ready because maybe they haven t healed from their past, maybe there s still some things that need to work out in their life, then it wouldn t be time to move forward in a relationship with them.
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And we have this bad habit of the minute we feel like there s love there we want to move forward.
0
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Exactly.
0
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And as you mentioned, we can get caught up sometimes in well, we love them because of what they do for us, but what are you prepared to do for them?
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Love is about giving, all right.
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So, we have to ask ourselves okay, do we know what their needs are?
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Are we willing to fulfill those needs?
0
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Because if not, maybe this wasn t love.
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maybe it just felt good in the moment, maybe you got caught up in the hype.
0
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And that s okay it happens to almost all of us if not all of us at some point in life.
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But we have to just be very clear with ourselves about what s really driving the intention right now.
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But I think all those things I mentioned is what encompasses love and that s like the foundation of it.
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And then from there we have to look at some other things to see how we can move forward.
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So many times like you convince yourself something s love.
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And what I find really interesting is that so many people fall in love too fast.
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And no one wants to go for the slow, patient, understanding love, which is what love requires.
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You just said love is kind, love is patient, love is understanding.
0
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Those things take time.
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I think those things take time to nurture and to
0
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to make sure that we re doing it correctly for each other.
0
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So, it s about learning each other s love languages and how we make it work within that dynamic.
0
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I think also because so many people are not used to dealing with emotions on that level, being that vulnerable, people mishandle it, all right.
0
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So, it takes time for us to get to a place so we understand how to manage this and work through this.
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However,
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I think that I m a huge believer in connection.
0
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And I believe connection is like your spirit recognizing its match.
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And it s very instant.
0
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When you speak to couples who said they experienced a connection, they ll tell you first conversation, first time meeting, first date, first week, it was pretty fast.
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So, to me, the recognizing of something deeper being here can happen very quickly.
0
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But how we now cultivate that and how we move forward is where we need to take our time and make sure we re not rushing and overlooking certain important issues that need to be discussed and addressed first.
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To me, it s the understanding of chemistry versus compatibility and the idea that
0
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There needs to be a spark.
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There needs to be a connection that I feel with someone, like you re saying, on a deeper level.
0
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But I find that most people are not adept at knowing whether the connection they feel with someone is deeper or physical.
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I would say that you can often feel a spark
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with if you meet a lot of people you can feel a spark with a lot of people.
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But that doesn t mean that they re the right person to build a relationship with, right?
0
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Yes, so it s connection to me is a very rare occurrence.
0
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Right, yes.
0
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So, I feel that people who ve actually experienced it they can tell you maybe once in their life if you re lucky two times maybe, all right.
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but it s not this thing that happens with everybody.
0
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Whereas chemistry, feeling a spark, these things can happen with a lot of different people.
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So, I do think there s this education that s needed to understand how we differentiate these things so that we don t confuse them.
0
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Because I see a lot of people take that chemistry and think oh, this is it, this is the one.
0
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It s like, but you have
1
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chemistry with the last five people.
1
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Why is this one the one and not them?
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So I do think we have to be careful with that.
1
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Yeah, I think so.
1
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So we re on the same page.
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There s three things.
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There s connection on the deeper level.
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There s chemistry, which is like the spark on a more superficial level.
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And then there s compatibility, which is like what makes it last.
1
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And I can relate to that.
1
SPEAKER_00
With my wife, I definitely felt, so I m one of those people who
1
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I kind of knew from the first few moments when I met my wife, before she was my wife, I was like, yeah, this is my person.
1
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Like, I felt that way.
1
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For sure, I felt that connection.
1
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And there was chemistry there too, but it had to be turned into compatibility in order to create a long-lasting relationship.
1
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We ve been together for 10 years, we re still learning, building, going through everything, but that was a big part of it.
1
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So, that I can get behind.
1
SPEAKER_00
Do you see it that way too or is there something different in how you see it?
1
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Believe it or not, I used to make compatibility the least important, but that was because I was looking at it the wrong way.
1
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once I kind of looked at the definition again and compatibility is about two people coexisting in harmony.
1
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Then I was like, okay, no, you have to have that.
1
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I got caught up more so in like, let s say a dating site says, okay, we re going to decide who s compatible.
1
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So, I view compatible as like an on the paper it looks good, it s supposed to match.
1
SPEAKER_01
But you can have a lot of people who are supposed to be compatible and it doesn t work.
1
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So I think that it s compatibility is that add-on.
1
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Once we have the connection and the chemistry, now we have to create that harmony, which is the compatibility.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yes, I agree with you.
1
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And it is interesting how that word compatibility is thrown around.
1
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And you re so right that
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Compatibility on paper doesn t mean compatibility in real life.
1
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Exactly.
1
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And to me, compatibility really has another word inside of it, which is like adaptability and that deeper understanding of an individual.
1
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where you know how much you re willing to adapt around certain parts of the relationship, but we ll get to that.
1
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I think a lot of people, like you know, and that s where we got into this conversation around what is slow, a lot of people are waiting
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to feel like, is this person wasting my time or are they the one?
1
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And so they don t have a deeper connection.
1
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Maybe they had that spark of chemistry and now that s kind of subsided.
1
SPEAKER_00
How do you know if someone s wasting your time?
1
SPEAKER_00
How do you know if you re letting yourself be used or wasted in that way?
1
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So to me, again, I think it always starts with self and you have to be honest with yourself about why are you still here?
1
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Why are you holding on?
1
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What s really driving you?
1
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Because just use an example.
1
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Let s say you re a woman and the only reason why you re holding on to this guy is because he s a nice guy.
1
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You don t feel like starting the process over with somebody else.
1
SPEAKER_01
So, even though you re not feeling it with him you figure let me try to make it work.
1
SPEAKER_01
You re wasting your time.
1
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This is where you re setting yourself up for disaster every single time.
1
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So, if it s not born out of a true connection, love, a genuine desire, you really like this individual.
1
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Of course, there s always things we have to work through, but is the foundation strong enough for us to say okay, we can make something special here.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I think once we are honest with ourselves that kind of helps answer the question because sometimes we get so caught up trying to analyze the other individual that it s like we get in our heads and now we re missing the mark on what s really important here.
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And we can t always
1
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say for sure what s going on with them.
1
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I will say that in general if this person isn t willing to talk about things they re wasting your time.
1
SPEAKER_01
If they re not willing to address or correct things that have been talked about they re wasting your time.
1
SPEAKER_01
If you guys aren t on the same page about what you want and where you want to go in life, wasting time.
1
SPEAKER_01
So, there are some things I think we can just look at and say listen, this is pointless here.
1
SPEAKER_01
But a lot of times and I have to say this especially for women
1
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Women s intuition is extremely powerful.
1
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I m a huge believer in it.
1
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And I feel like women know very early this isn t it.
1
SPEAKER_01
But they rationalize reasons to convince themselves to give this man a chance.
1
SPEAKER_01
And this again is a waste of time because it just doesn t work.
1
SPEAKER_01
I ve seen people turn what should have been maybe a couple weeks of dating into years of being married to someone they were not happy with.
1
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all because they did not listen to themselves from the beginning.
1
SPEAKER_01
They knew what it was, but they just could not accept it for what it was.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I love that point on intuition.
1
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It s almost like when a relationship finally ends, a lot of us think to ourselves, I knew they weren t right for me.
1
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Like I knew it.
1
SPEAKER_00
I knew that they weren t the one, but you just didn t listen to that part of yourself.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_00
So let s break it down for people.
1
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Let s help people out.
1
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We started talking about three very important words, connection, which you defined, chemistry, which we ve defined, and compatibility, which we ve defined.
1
SPEAKER_00
How do people know the difference between connection and chemistry when they meet someone?
1
SPEAKER_00
Because I find that
1
SPEAKER_00
The science shows that you re experiencing dopamine and cortisol at the same time.
1
SPEAKER_00
So you re experiencing the reward chemical and stress chemical at the same time, which gives you that chemistry feeling, which is the feeling of butterflies in your stomach or like, do they like me?
1
SPEAKER_00
Are they into me?
1
SPEAKER_00
What should I wear?
1
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That kind of feeling.
1
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But then you re talking about a deeper connection.
1
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how do you hear the difference?
1
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Because I think a lot of us just get swept up in the feeling of, I m so into that person, they re so into me.
1
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How do you know?
1
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So I think one is, are you even being yourself or can you be yourself with this individual?
1
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If you re...
1
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presenting your representative, then this is not a real connection.
1
SPEAKER_01
This is them falling for that person that you re presenting, but that s not real.
1
SPEAKER_01
So, to me, you should be already being yourself, but with that person you have a connection with, it s a more natural flow.
1
SPEAKER_01
We don t have to force it.
1
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We just feel so much more comfortable around them.
1
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I think in addition to that is when you find yourself all caught up in the moment and caught up in that chemistry.
1
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Again, you have to ask yourself what am I really attaching myself to?
1
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What do I really like about this individual?
1
SPEAKER_01
What I find is that when it s really about chemistry we re still on the surface.
1
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you don t really know about them yet.
1
SPEAKER_01
You just know you guys had a good time, maybe you had fun at this event, you guys were able to talk about a lot of different things, which is great, which is going to also be important if there is a connection.
1
SPEAKER_01
However,
1
SPEAKER_01
Do you even know what kind of relationship they want?
1
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Do you know what kind of life they want to live?
1
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You know, are you guys really on the same page?
1
SPEAKER_01
I think connection is our paths align, our purposes align.
1
SPEAKER_01
So, for us to align we have to have a deeper understanding of where we re headed and can we head there together.
1
SPEAKER_01
So, that s why I think though you may feel it or you may feel like you re feeling it you have to do your due diligence to dig deeper to find out okay, is this just I got caught up on the surface or there is something real here.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I think once we ask enough questions because I think that s the other big problem.
1
SPEAKER_01
we have this experience where we feel this chemistry, we re so excited and now we re afraid to ask questions because we don t want to blow up the fantasy.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_01
You know what I m saying?
1
SPEAKER_01
We re just like no, no, I want to keep believing this is great so let me not ask anything, let me not run this person away, let me not rock the boat.
1
SPEAKER_01
But that s going to be what tells us if this is real or not.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yes, I think you ve hit on something there.
1
SPEAKER_00
We re so scared of losing someone that we re okay with not asking important questions and discovering important truths that actually define whether this relationship is going to last.
1
SPEAKER_01
Absolutely.
1
SPEAKER_00
And that is ultimately, going back to your point earlier, that is ultimately you not being yourself.
1
SPEAKER_00
You re losing yourself, scared that you re going to lose the other person, so you re okay with not being yourself.
1
SPEAKER_00
Do you think it s ever okay?
1
SPEAKER_00
This is a funny question, I think, but I have to ask you because I think it s a healthy discussion.
1
SPEAKER_00
Do you think it s ever okay?
1
SPEAKER_00
to present different sides of yourself in order to attract someone, or do you think that you re ultimately setting yourself up for failure in a relationship?
1
SPEAKER_00
Almost like, I think a lot of people, they may not become someone completely different, but I think a lot of people are like, oh, I m going to show my smart side because it will attract this person, or I m going to show my this side because they ll like that.
1
SPEAKER_00
Are you saying any of that kind of molding is unhealthy, or do you think there s room for that?
1
SPEAKER_01
I think anything that is not sustainable is unhealthy.
1
SPEAKER_01
So, look at it as if I m a man and I m meeting this woman and I want to impress her.
1
SPEAKER_01
So, I m like okay, I m going to try to spend all my money take her to a nice five-star restaurant all these things.
1
SPEAKER_01
But deep inside I prefer a more simple lifestyle.
1
SPEAKER_01
you know, I don t like all that extra stuff.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay, that s horrible, that s a setup for disaster, that s unhealthy.
1
SPEAKER_01
Because you can t sustain what you re presenting to that individual that s going to draw them in.
1
SPEAKER_01
So, whatever it is, another like common example is you ll have women who love to communicate.
1
SPEAKER_01
They want to be able to talk to you every single day.
2
SPEAKER_01
But because they re afraid of coming off a certain kind of way, they ll hold back on their communication.
2
SPEAKER_01
So, now, they ll make it seem like they re okay with talking every now and then, we don t always have to text.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then this guy falls for that.
2
SPEAKER_01
He falls for this low standard, I don t want to call it low standard, but not having such a high expectation of him when it comes to communication.
2
SPEAKER_01
Then he finally gets with the woman, her true self is going to come out at some point.
2
SPEAKER_01
No one can suppress their true self forever.
2
SPEAKER_01
It comes out and now it s like what is this?
2
SPEAKER_01
I did not sign up for this.
2
SPEAKER_01
Now we re fighting, now we re stressed because you want him to call you more.
2
SPEAKER_01
He was used to you not being worried about it so much.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s why it s going to always not work out.
2
SPEAKER_01
So, it s extremely unhealthy unless we re presenting a side of us that is truly us and we can sustain it.
2
SPEAKER_02
You ve hit on something again that
2
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At the beginning of relationships, we often display unrealistic standards and we set those.
2
SPEAKER_02
And then when things shift and now you re back in reality again, the other person s like, but wait a minute, I thought you were really into me.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I even went through that with my wife when we first met.
2
SPEAKER_02
I was able to spend pretty much every day with her because I didn t have a job.
2
SPEAKER_02
And so I was looking for work, I was applying, I would go see her at her college every day and I would spend the day with her.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I d be in the library applying for jobs while she was studying.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I could see her every day.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I think I saw her every day potentially for like six months maybe, every single day, five days a week at least.
2
SPEAKER_02
And then when I got a job, that wasn t the case anymore because I was at work now and I d set this unrealistic expectation that we could see each other all the time.
2
SPEAKER_02
And even in the beginning, I would see her all the time because I d spend time with her family, but we wouldn t spend time with my family because I hadn t told my family yet.
2
SPEAKER_02
And so now that my family knew, we were trying to split the time and all of a sudden it was like, but wait a minute, we used to spend time at my house.
2
SPEAKER_02
And so even in little things like that, it took a bit of adapting because I d set a false standard in our relationship.
2
SPEAKER_02
And then thankfully my wife was adapting and she understood and she got it and it was fine.
2
SPEAKER_02
But I think for so many people, you set unrealistic expectations in who you are.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_02
And that s hard to come back from.
2
SPEAKER_01
Absolutely, and that s why it s so important for us to know who we are so that we can present the real from the jump, you know.
2
SPEAKER_01
Because again, a lot of times people you know, this idea that we re always changing.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yes, I do think we re always evolving, but some of the big shifts that you see
2
SPEAKER_01
it s not because that s just the way life is.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s because you didn t take the time to figure yourself out first.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then you got with this person and now you want them to adjust.
2
SPEAKER_01
Now, thank God for you she was able to adjust, but there s a lot of people that they can t handle that.
2
SPEAKER_01
And now everything falls apart from there.
2
SPEAKER_01
So, that s why yeah, we have to be very careful with what we re presenting from the beginning.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I agree with you on that, that we think people change, but actually they just start to understand themselves better.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yes, exactly.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s like they went from being completely unconscious about who they were.
2
SPEAKER_02
You met an unconscious version of a person and now you think they re changing, but they just became conscious of who they are.
2
SPEAKER_01
Absolutely.
2
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Think about the way your team works right now.
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If all the work is spread out across different documents, spreadsheets, and a stack of workflow tools, it s tougher to focus on getting things done, let alone getting them done together.
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The customization options are endless, and it s so easy to use that you don t need any coding skills to get started.
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I ve found it incredibly helpful for collaborating with my team and keeping everything organized.
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Trust me, once you try it, you won t be able to imagine going back to using multiple tools to get the job done.
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A new season of Bridgerton is here.
2
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And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m your host, Gabrielle Collins.
2
SPEAKER_00
And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the ton.
2
SPEAKER_00
Colin Bridgerton has returned from his travels abroad.
2
SPEAKER_00
Is Betrothal written in the stars for the eligible bachelor?
2
SPEAKER_00
Meanwhile, the ton is reverberating with speculation of who holds Lady Whistledown s pen.
2
SPEAKER_00
We re discussing it all.
2
SPEAKER_00
I sit down with Nicola Coughlin, Luke Newton, Shonda Rhimes, and more to offer an exclusive peek behind the scenes of each episode of the new season.
2
SPEAKER_00
Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
2
SPEAKER_00
Then fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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SPEAKER_00
Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.
2
SPEAKER_03
When the Taliban banned music in Afghanistan, millions were plunged into silence.
2
SPEAKER_03
Radios were smashed.
2
SPEAKER_03
Cassettes burned.
2
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You could be beaten or jailed or killed for breaking the rules.
2
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And yet, Afghans did it anyway.
2
SPEAKER_03
This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol.
2
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The danger they endured.
2
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They said my head should be cut off.
2
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The joy they brought to the nation.
2
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You re free completely.
2
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No one is there to destroy you.
2
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I m John Legend.
2
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Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
2
SPEAKER_04
Guess what, Bango?
2
SPEAKER_04
What s up, Will?
2
SPEAKER_04
So iHeart is giving us a whole minute to promote our podcast, Part-Time Genius.
2
SPEAKER_05
I know, that s why I spent my whole week composing a haiku for the occasion.
2
SPEAKER_05
It s about my emotional journey in podcasting over the last seven years, and it s called Earthquake House.
2
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Mango, I m going to cut you off right there.
2
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Why don t we just tell people about our show instead?
2
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Yeah, that s a better idea.
2
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So every week on Part-Time Genius, we feed our curiosity by answering the world s most important questions.
2
SPEAKER_05
Things like, when did America start dialing 911?
2
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Is William Shatner s best acting work in Esperanto?
2
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Also, what happened to Esperanto?
2
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Plus, we cover questions like how Chinese is your Chinese food?
2
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How do dollar stores stay in business?
2
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And of course, is there an Illuminati of cheese?
2
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There absolutely is.
2
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And we are risking our lives by talking about it.
2
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But if you love mind-blowing facts, incredible history and really bad jokes, make your brains happy and tune in to Part-Time Genius.
2
SPEAKER_04
Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
2
SPEAKER_02
But the thing is, Stefan, as you know, society doesn t encourage that time of getting to know yourself.
2
SPEAKER_02
When you re young, you re not trained in how to think about who you want to be, you re trained in thinking about what you want to do.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s about your job, it s about your career.
2
SPEAKER_02
You re not thinking about who you are as a human being or as a person.
2
SPEAKER_02
So how do we in this society where understanding who you are is not clear, it s not encouraged,
2
SPEAKER_02
where does one start or where have you kind of found great insights in trying to discover who we are?
2
SPEAKER_01
I would love to see more parents encouraging their children to explore how they re feeling about who they are.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like, what I have found is a lot of people
2
SPEAKER_01
who let s say I had one client where she wanted to be an actress when she was a little kid.
2
SPEAKER_01
But parents kind of pushed in a different direction.
2
SPEAKER_01
Now she s like a social worker, but her desire is still to be an actress.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like, the things that they wanted to do, they want to do as an adult now, you can find back in their childhood in a lot of cases.
2
SPEAKER_01
So, I feel like too many people have stifled their children s growth in certain areas with limited ideas of well, this can t make money or this wouldn t be a good look for the family or whatever the case may be.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s like no, let them walk in it and see for themselves if that s really where they belong.
2
SPEAKER_01
Outside of that for me I think the big thing
3
SPEAKER_00
is getting in tune spiritually.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m just a huge believer in that.
3
SPEAKER_00
I feel like me finding myself was when I went into what I call my wilderness period.
3
SPEAKER_00
I kind of just shut everything off that was on because I used to be all over having fun, partying, all these different things and then God kind of slapped me upside my head and I had to like really pull away from everything and go deeper from within.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it felt like a process of breaking me down to build me right back up.
3
SPEAKER_00
And that s when I start to see things clearer because what I realized is the world is filled with distractions.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it s the distractions why we can t see ourselves for who we really are.
3
SPEAKER_00
If we simply shut off the distractions long enough you will learn a lot.
3
SPEAKER_00
So, even if someone just took a year off
3
SPEAKER_00
don t worry, you know, limit the TV you re watching, limit the music you re listening to, limit all the internet stuff.
3
SPEAKER_00
Just really go deeper within yourself, spend more time alone, spend more time, you know, thinking and processing, you will learn a lot.
3
SPEAKER_00
Because again, a lot of it is, it isn t a problem of we don t know ourselves, we are not aware and we re not willing to accept.
3
SPEAKER_00
And once we allow ourselves to do those two things, become aware and then accept it, we become free.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I mean, I agree with you.
3
SPEAKER_01
I think that I ve always been a big proponent of solitude to understand who you are.
3
SPEAKER_01
Because as soon as you have another person, you now have another person s opinions you have to filter.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_01
As soon as you have another person in front of you, you have another person s judgments to filter.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so now you can t even say what you truly think about something because you re constantly thinking, what does that person think about me and my beliefs?
3
SPEAKER_01
And so,
3
SPEAKER_01
Understanding your beliefs in solitude allows you to be really clear about what your values and beliefs are.
3
SPEAKER_01
And that s what it s there for.
3
SPEAKER_01
I think when people get into, if we switch to compatibility again, the idea we talked about the difference between connection and chemistry.
3
SPEAKER_01
But compatibility is really interesting because a lot of people believe that relationships should be hard and they require hard work.
3
SPEAKER_01
And a lot of people believe relationships should be easy and everything should just flow.
3
SPEAKER_01
Where have you kind of discovered your lens on that spectrum?
3
SPEAKER_00
So, okay, there s a couple of ways to look at it.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think that
3
SPEAKER_00
Most relationships and I ll even be more specific, most relationships that involve connection and true love are typically hard.
3
SPEAKER_00
Not because relationships have to be hard, but because most people have been hurt by something in their life, are holding on to past traumas, haven t resolved it.
3
SPEAKER_00
Once they meet this individual that they feel so strongly about it is scary.
3
SPEAKER_00
this is where things get difficult.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s the difficultness in how do I handle this?
3
SPEAKER_00
How do I manage this?
3
SPEAKER_00
You ll have people feel like they re losing themselves, but they re not losing themselves.
3
SPEAKER_00
Their true self is coming out and it s the self that s been hiding behind that wall they ve been using for quote unquote protection.
3
SPEAKER_00
But I always say the same wall is able to protect you, the same wall is blocking your blessings.
3
SPEAKER_00
So, now they re being pulled from behind it, it makes them feel some kind of way.
3
SPEAKER_00
And again, people start to mishandle things.
3
SPEAKER_00
You also have situations where people are getting bad advice.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like, I m going to give one example.
3
SPEAKER_00
There s this book called The Game by Neil Strauss.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t know if you ever read that book.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, Neil s great.
3
SPEAKER_00
Neil, you know, he went to that world of pickup artistry, learned it, and he was great with the women.
3
SPEAKER_00
But then once he found that woman that he fell in love with, all that stuff doesn t work anymore.
3
SPEAKER_00
So, you have a lot of men being taught how to handle women in general, but they don t understand that s not how you handle the woman you truly love.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so, now again, you have individuals who though they are truly in love with this person, they constantly mishandle it with bad guidance, with fear, and all these things.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is what makes it hard.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I even think that a lot of times the people who are supposed to be together sometimes will have the hardest time getting together.
3
SPEAKER_00
But I believe that once we re able to conquer that part of it and actually come together it s not hard.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yes, it takes work.
3
SPEAKER_00
I believe we have to be conscious and mindful of how we treat our partners, how we show up, being willing to listen.
3
SPEAKER_00
But I think it s so much easier to do those things with someone you have a connection with and you re truly in love with.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s going to always feel 10 times harder when you re in the wrong relationship.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I would argue the vast majority of people are in the wrong relationship.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s why they re seeing it be so difficult.
3
SPEAKER_00
And when you see this whole it s easy, typically, it s easy because you have two people who are not digging deeper.
3
SPEAKER_00
They re trying to write out that chemistry we talked about earlier for as long as possible, all right.
3
SPEAKER_00
So, yeah, it seems like it s great, it s easy, no issues, but it doesn t really work like that.
3
SPEAKER_00
because they re just not facing the reality of the situation.
3
SPEAKER_00
So, I think we have to understand that there is going to be some bumps in the road because of all the things that people have been through.
3
SPEAKER_00
But once we re able to come together and we know this is our partner, this is who we want to share our life with, it can get so much better.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, and do you think that people have just been given generally the wrong education on how to deal with another person in their life?
3
100%.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Because unfortunately, a lot of individuals are giving advice from a bitter hurt place.
3
SPEAKER_00
and they re trying to disguise it as I m just looking out for you.
3
SPEAKER_00
No, you haven t healed and you cannot properly guide them in a positive and loving manner.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I think that a lot of people... You know I always say it s funny how we ll spend a lot of time getting educated for the sake of our careers and business, but we don t do the same for relationships.
3
SPEAKER_00
And yet, relationships arguably are even more important than that career or business.
3
SPEAKER_00
And even if it s not a romantic relationship, just relationships in general, your ability to coexist with others, connect with others, is extremely important.
3
SPEAKER_00
If you want that business to succeed, you have to learn how to establish business relationships.
3
SPEAKER_00
There s no way around it.
3
SPEAKER_00
So, we have to learn how to talk to people, listen to people, you know what I m saying?
3
SPEAKER_00
And just make things work when we come together with other individuals.
3
SPEAKER_00
So, I definitely think that we re just lacking in a lot of education.
3
SPEAKER_00
And again, too many... Because there s so many voices on the internet now, there s just so much bad advice being given.
3
SPEAKER_00
And the individuals giving it, they may be giving like let s say
3
SPEAKER_00
80% of the advice is accurate, but it s that 20% that s completely off that can derail everything.
3
SPEAKER_00
And that s the stuff that people are gravitating to and this is causing a lot of problems.
3
SPEAKER_01
Can you give us some example of some of the like, not specific people or anything like that.
3
SPEAKER_01
I just mean like, could you give example of bad advice and what about it is
3
SPEAKER_01
bad or unhealthy for people to try and put into practice.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay, so one thing I heard recently was an individual said some of the best advice you can give to men is to not fall in love.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, basically just find a woman you want to be with and kind of keep it there.
3
SPEAKER_00
The reason why I view that as horrible advice is because you sit down with any man who s lived enough life
3
SPEAKER_00
they will all be able to say there s been at least one time they fell deeply for a woman, all right.
3
SPEAKER_00
The problem isn t falling deeply for a woman.
3
SPEAKER_00
The problem is we don t know how to handle it once we get there.
3
SPEAKER_00
The problem is because we re not accustomed to
3
SPEAKER_00
handling and processing our emotions a certain kind of way and being this vulnerable we don t understand what s going to be required of us in that moment.
3
SPEAKER_00
We also kind of lose sight of because I m a big believer in masculine and feminine energy and I believe that if she was attracted to you because of that masculine energy that you give off and now you become this emotional wreck because you don t know how to handle all these feelings you have for her well, you start to become less attractive to her.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it s not that it s not fixable, it s fixable, but again, a lack of understanding and awareness derails the situation.
3
SPEAKER_00
So, rather than telling men don t fall in love because it s inevitable, let s teach them how we walk in love, what I call loving in your masculine.
3
SPEAKER_00
How you maintain that energy and still be able to pour into that woman in a way that allows relationship to flourish.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, and how does that work when, I think obviously a lot of people, in that example that you re giving, if the person s attracted to someone because of their masculine energy, but at the same time they want them to be empathetic and compassionate and kind, which are generally seen as more feminine energy,
3
SPEAKER_01
How does that person balance the two or is that not how you re explaining it?
3
SPEAKER_00
No, it s about balance.
3
SPEAKER_00
So, we have to understand we all have masculine and feminine energy within us.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m a believer in one must be your dominant energy.
3
SPEAKER_00
The other is the one you tap into when necessary.
3
SPEAKER_00
So, as a man you can walk in your masculine and in those moments tap into those things.
3
SPEAKER_00
but you can t just stay there all the time, all right.
3
SPEAKER_00
You can t just become this needy emotional guy that s not going to work in the vast majority of cases.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so, what happens is there s this messaging that s being thrown out there that
4
SPEAKER_00
women don t like good guys.
4
SPEAKER_00
I don t believe that s what it is.
4
SPEAKER_00
I believe that women become less attracted when you don t know how to exude and walk in your masculine energy.
4
SPEAKER_00
And we re hiding behind the label of good guy.
4
SPEAKER_00
You can be a good guy and still exude masculine energy.
4
SPEAKER_00
And that s the thing and we also think that oh, they like bad boys.
4
SPEAKER_00
No, if you look deeper
4
SPEAKER_00
it s really the masculine energy that that quote, unquote bad boy exudes.
4
SPEAKER_00
But what they desire is a mixture of both.
4
SPEAKER_00
The same way that we would want a mixture of both.
4
SPEAKER_00
We would want a loving, sweet woman, feminine woman, whatever.
4
SPEAKER_00
And if you re a guy who wants a masculine woman cool, but you don t want her to be just that.
4
SPEAKER_00
You know you want her to have the ability to tap into that other side when necessary.
4
SPEAKER_00
I think we all desire that balance in our partner and I think it s healthy and if we just learn how to maintain it and how to nurture it we would see greater success in relationships.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, what are some of the skills with mastering that energy that you think we re missing out on in balancing that energy and knowing when to be which?
4
SPEAKER_01
Because the reason why it s hard is I think we live in a binary world, right?
4
SPEAKER_01
Like you feel like you have to choose.
4
SPEAKER_01
Like you re either a bad boy or you re a good guy.
4
SPEAKER_01
You re a doer or you re a thinker.
4
SPEAKER_01
You re a winner or you re a loser, right?
4
SPEAKER_01
Like we think like that.
4
SPEAKER_01
And so people go, okay, I can either be masculine or I can be feminine.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I definitely...
4
SPEAKER_01
relate to what you were saying.
4
SPEAKER_01
Like I believe that there is a lot about me that is massively masculine in energy using that language and terminology, my drive, my ambition, how I work, my strategic mind.
4
SPEAKER_01
And at the same time, I consider myself to have a lot of great feminine energy and qualities where it comes to like empowering others and nurturing and the ability to hold deep compassionate space and be empathetic, which are all powerful qualities for everyone, right?
4
SPEAKER_01
Beyond gender, they re powerful qualities.
4
SPEAKER_01
and I appreciate and it s taken a long time to know
4
SPEAKER_01
when to be which, and I still make mistakes, right?
4
SPEAKER_01
There s still sometimes I m like, oh, I should have been more assertive, or I should have been more affectionate.
4
SPEAKER_01
So we live in a world that finds it hard to hold two opposing ideas at the same time.
4
SPEAKER_01
We don t know how to do that in any sphere of life, let alone within ourselves.
4
SPEAKER_01
So what are some of the skills that we can learn in order to nurture both those energies in a healthy way inside of ourselves?
4
SPEAKER_00
So, I think one, it s going to require a lot of... If you re already in a relationship, it s going to boil down to a lot of transparency and communication.
4
SPEAKER_00
You know, her... If you re that man trying to understand that woman and when you can walk in those two energies.
4
SPEAKER_00
Her being willing to be honest and open about you know what, this was too much over here or I needed some of this over here.
4
SPEAKER_00
and in time you re going to become more aware and understanding and it s going to be like second nature to you.
4
SPEAKER_00
You won t have to overthink it.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I think part of it is not overthinking it.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s kind of like being ourselves but understanding that we have to learn when this is doing too much and vice versa.
4
SPEAKER_00
I also think that in reality for a lot of men especially when we re talking about relationships and kind of losing that masculine energy.
4
SPEAKER_00
The underlying issue is fear.
4
SPEAKER_00
All right, when we become so afraid of losing this woman we lose ourselves.
4
SPEAKER_00
And so, a lot of men now fall into this very feminine needy space because they re just afraid.
4
SPEAKER_00
We have to learn that listen, like to me I feel if your partner thinks you re never going to walk away from them no matter what they do you ve lost.
4
SPEAKER_00
that s a horrible place to be in.
4
SPEAKER_00
We have to get to a place where we both understand that as long as we show up the way that we need to show up for each other, we have each other s back, we will be here.
4
SPEAKER_00
But neither of us will tolerate an unhealthy relationship and someone who blatantly does not want to work on making this better.
4
SPEAKER_00
I would want the woman I m with to feel that way and I need to feel that way.
4
SPEAKER_00
Once we understand that and you have the confidence of I can walk away if I have to,
4
SPEAKER_00
that shifts your energy right there in itself.
4
SPEAKER_00
And now you don t find yourself falling into that place where again, you start to look a lot more unattractive or for some men they become yes men in their relationships thinking that makes her happy, that s turning her off.
4
SPEAKER_00
She doesn t want you to be her yes man.
4
SPEAKER_00
She wants you to stand up for yourself sometimes, give your opinion, give your perspective.
4
SPEAKER_00
She wants to be able to you know, if anything be able to have discussions with you about these things.
4
SPEAKER_00
Not just you say whatever you want, whatever you want, whatever you want.
4
SPEAKER_00
Over time, it becomes a problem.
4
SPEAKER_00
So, I think that once we conquer that fear, once we create a space where we can talk about these moments and not feel some kind of way.
4
SPEAKER_00
I think sometimes men are not... They struggle with taking the criticism from their partner, men and women.
4
SPEAKER_00
We all do when we feel, when we have actual feelings for someone.
4
SPEAKER_00
you know, we don t care about you, it s not as big of a deal.
4
SPEAKER_00
But we re emotionally invested, we re more sensitive to it.
4
SPEAKER_00
But we have to understand that these criticisms are for the sake of making things better and strengthening this relationship.
4
SPEAKER_00
So, once we can get to that place, it s going to be so much easier to grow in it.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then I think it s just a matter of understanding that this balance isn t just for your relationship.
4
SPEAKER_00
So, look at it like from a sports perspective.
4
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If I m on a basketball team there may be moments where I need to take the lead and recognize all right, everyone else is down, someone needs to step up, this is my moment.
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And then there s other moments where I realize, okay, let s say we already have a team captain, let me show him that I can follow, serve, do what needs to be done so that the team can win.
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It s just becoming aware of what the moment requires, you know.
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And again, I think the more in tune we get, the more in tune we get with ourselves and the more in tune we get with our partner, the easier it becomes to find that balance.
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That s the challenge, right?
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The challenge is just how much patience we have with ourselves and others to realize that you walked into an imbalanced, unbalanced situation.
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And now it s like, how much patience, how much time are we going to give it to get to that?
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Because the challenge is I think we walk into a situation thinking it s perfect, whereas we should be walking into a relationship knowing it s imperfect.
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Absolutely.
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And we re going to learn and figure it out together.
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And I think that s what sets us up for failure is because we walk into it going, it s perfect.
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And deep down, we know it isn t, but somehow we gloss over it.
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Whereas I find when I know we re going to fight, when I know we re going to argue, when I know there s going to be disagreements, that sets me up to develop the skills I need in order to navigate those things.
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But if I assume like, oh, we re never going to fight.
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And I always get that, right?
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We always meet someone who goes to me, I meet a friend who goes to me, Jay, we never fight.
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I m like, how long have you been together?
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Cause I don t, I don t know anyone who never fights.
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I get that no one has to get to like the heights of fights.
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I get that.
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I get that.
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It doesn t have to be a heated fight, but I don t know anyone who doesn t disagree.
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There you go.
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Right, right.
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I think that s important for people to understand because yes, you have some individuals out there that ll say arguing is normal, it s healthy.
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And to me it s like listen, if we re talking about arguing where we re now crossing disrespectful lines, negative lines, you know, the way that we... The tone we take with each other, all these things, that s not healthy.
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Yes, it may happen.
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You should be prepared for that, but let s not normalize it and say we re just going to keep doing this and it is what it is.
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But you re right to be with each other long enough and never have a disagreement that s extremely rare, okay.
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Extremely rare and I do think that again as you mentioned we have to be ready for those moments.
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We have to understand and going back to how we find that balance especially as men and even for women.
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It s recognizing... So, for example, if my partner
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is in a very heated moment.
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Let s say she s in her masculine right now, all right, she s getting rough.
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Well, meeting her with more masculine is probably going to only make things worse.
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This is the time for me to be compassionate, go to her, hold her, calm her down, bring her peace in that moment.
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You see, because we need to balance each other out.
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Same thing on the flip side, if I m all heated and I m extra passionate and then my woman now comes with that same energy, that s it, now we re butting heads.
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This is her moment to say no, let me now be the one to soften the moment up, bring that...
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Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt and we re the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
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It s a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
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Like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
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And let me just tell you, this show is just as much for us as it is for you.
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So let s figure this stuff out together.
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SPEAKER_03
This season, we re going to talk about whether or not we re financially and emotionally ready for dog ownership.
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We re going to figure out the benefits of a high yield savings account.
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SPEAKER_03
And what exactly are the duties of being a member of the wedding party?
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All that plus so much more.
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SPEAKER_03
Let s learn about all of it and then some.
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Listen to Grown Up Stuff How To Adult on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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sweetness in there and everybody calms down.
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So, it s learning how to feed off of each other and recognize okay, they re over here let me bring it back over here.
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And now we can work from that point and we re both good.
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The problem is that we all see compassion and sweetness and kindness in those moments as a weakness.
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we don t want to be that person because we see that as losing, we see that as giving in, we see that as us losing our power and strength in a relationship if we become the comforter or if we become the carer, right.
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Like, that s a perception.
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That is the perception and we have to change that.
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That is the power position.
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So, who is more powerful?
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The person that lets the energy dictate them how they re going to react or the person that brings the energy and dictates how they re going to make this situation play out?
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So, if I m coming in to calm it down and being all sweet because I m trying to bring peace here, I m in the power position.
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I m not losing anything.
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I m going to gain more peace and happiness and harmony if I succeed in what I m trying to do.
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So, we have to get out of that mindset of this makes us weaker and that is the big key of it.
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That s a big problem.
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That for a lot of women who struggle with their feminine energy, that s a big issue where they feel that being feminine is weakness.
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It s what got them taken advantage of and got them hurt.
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But I always say it s not the feminine energy that s the problem, it s who you give it to.
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Do they respect it?
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Do they honor it?
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You know, it s the same thing as a man.
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Does she respect your masculine?
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If she doesn t, then that might just be a sign you re with the wrong person.
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But don t stop being that guy because the woman who s best for you is going to need that in those moments.
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But that s exactly what it is, is that when people have been their best selves for the wrong person,
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that person brings out the worst in them, right?
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Like when someone s been their best, loving, kindest self, but someone took advantage of it, that person now thinks next time I ve got to be aggressive, I ve got to be powerful, I ve got to be strong in this way.
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And I feel like that s kind of what most people are dealing with, we know that, is that you re just dealing with a wounded version of someone, not a healed version of someone.
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But I think people struggle to trust again and again, especially when they see the same patterns in the person they re with.
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And I guess the question is, why do we keep making the same mistakes?
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Because I feel like a lot of us keep dating the same people.
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And there s a part of us that also just keeps closing off or being more wounded.
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It s almost like if you cut yourself, you now walk around with your hand over that cut because you don t want to get cut again.
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And then if you lead it off and it gets cut even deeper, now you re even more conscious of that.
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And so I find that people are doing that where they re closing their heart more and more.
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because it s been so misused and abused.
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And I understand that, I understand people don t want to be abused and misused but I guess the question is how do people find people that they know respect them so that they can be their best version or be a better version of themselves.
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So, you know, you can t drive out darkness with more darkness.
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You can t expose someone who s going to hurt you by being someone who s closed off and holding back yourself.
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It s kind of what we were just talking about.
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We have to look at being vulnerable, loving, and open as not just well, I m setting myself up to be hurt.
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No, it s how you expose people faster.
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If I come with that energy and you cannot respect it, match it, then I know you don t belong here.
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But if I hold back, I give you a free pass to hold back.
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So, now we have two individuals who are hiding behind their walls because it s comfortable there.
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But you can t really see what do we really have in front of us?
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Those walls are blinding you and you can t properly evaluate the situation.
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So, one, we got to get to a place of healing from our past.
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So, that we re not just walking around with the hand over the cut.
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No, you got to let the cut breathe, you got to let it heal, all right.
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Putting your hand on there is delaying the process.
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And like you said, all that s going to happen is when you finally take your hand off, but you re taking it off with the wrong person.
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and you haven t learned.
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See, what I want people to realize is your actions weren t the problem.
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Meaning, you being loving, sweet, kind, compassionate wasn t the problem, it was the person.
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Separate those two things so that you don t stop doing the good things.
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Now granted, are there...
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levels to this to where we have to learn.
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Again, if I m thinking about a man, if you got so deeply emotional to where you kind of lost your masculine energy and you became very needy.
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Okay, you can say, all right, I need to continue to be loving, but I have to learn how to draw a line.
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I have to learn how not to cross that moment.
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And again, you only crossed it because you were unhealthy to begin with.
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You only cross it because you were afraid to begin with.
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Once you get to that place where you re healthy and confident, you won t find yourself crossing that line anymore.
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You won t tolerate certain things anymore.
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So, we have to heal, we have to be confident, and we have to let our light shine so that we can expose what s in front of us easier.
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That s a brilliant answer.
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I love the differentiation between how sharing your light is not the problem, the person is the problem because
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Yeah, we start to doubt whether being a good person, a loving person is actually what wins in the world.
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And the truth is that it does win, but it has to win with someone who can receive it and hold that space with you and share that space with you.
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And I find that a lot of people keep giving that energy to the wrong person.
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Because we feel we can make them better, right?
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Like there s this feeling of like, I can change this person, I can make them better, I can heal them.
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There s some of us want to fix people.
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Yeah.
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And that means we assume the person we re with is broken.
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And I think this is such a subconscious thing.
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Like, if you re always critiquing, if you re always
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picking at stuff with your partner, chances are you don t think they re great.
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Chances are you think there s some issues with them when you think that you can fix them and they re broken.
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Tell us about that angle where now we re almost, we ve talked about being the loving and kind person, but sometimes we re being the person that thinks we re loving and kind because we want to improve someone, but that person doesn t want to improve.
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One big problem is that
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What s really driving people to pick that individual is that by being the one that can upgrade you, improve you, I have more value here.
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By having more value, I have a false sense of security.
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You have to appreciate me.
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You re less likely to walk away.
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You re less likely to cheat because you re lucky to have me.
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I feel like I m the prize here.
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but those situations never really work.
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Because again, you re choosing someone that is not capable of pouring into you the way that you need.
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You re basing this off of what you could do for them and that s not sustainable.
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And
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you re choosing them because again, you have more emotional control here.
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What happens to so many people especially women, it s something that I call the unhealthy love cycle of women.
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Where women in their first love experience outside of any childhood trauma may have experienced.
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they re their most loving.
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They re just out there, they go all the way in.
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But that typically happens at a younger age, at an age where men are not mature enough to handle those kind of emotions, that level of commitment, so on and so forth.
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So, she gets hurt.
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After she gets hurt, her moment is saying to herself, I will never let this happen to me again.
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So, now the woman starts to consciously or subconsciously choose men who are I don t want to say lower than her, but essentially a man who does not take her there.
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He s good enough to be with, but I m not that vulnerable with him.
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He can t hurt me like that first love hurt me.
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And so, that dynamic usually leads to picking that person I can fix, I can make better, who will appreciate and respect me, but again, it doesn t work out.
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And many times you ll see these same situations the guy will move on to cheat on her.
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Not because and I have to say this because some women think yeah, he s just being a man.
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No, not because he s a man, but because you chose a man that you could never be the woman that he needed and he can never be the man that you needed.
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Once he kind of either gets what he needs from you to build himself up,
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or the smoke clears from him being infatuated with you, he starts to realize I m not getting everything that I desire.
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And now, you building him up has brought him more attention from other women.
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So, now the difference between what you re not giving him and what someone else is willing to give him becomes way clearer now.
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The temptation gets way stronger and he ends up doing something or she ends up cheating as well.
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Because he s safe, but he doesn t fulfill her, he doesn t satisfy her, he doesn t excite her in any kind of way.
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And that s why I always said earlier like the safe choice is almost always the wrong choice.
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But that is a function of people trying to choose these fixer uppers because they think it s going to give them some leverage there.
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It s leverage.
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That s it.
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Yeah, it s leverage.
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Yeah.
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How do you know when it s time to go?
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Like, how do you know when it s like, I feel like this is a common question where it s like, how do you know when it s just, I ve tried everything, we ve tried together.
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tried our best, maybe we went to therapy, maybe we got a coach, or maybe we didn t do those things.
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I just know that I feel like I need to go, but I m scared of being alone.
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I m scared of dealing with the reality that I put in a lot of energy.
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And I feel like, you said this earlier, but a lot of people stay in something for a lot longer than they should.
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because they d rather not be alone, they d rather not face reality, they d rather not lose two years of their life, they d rather lose two more thinking that this should stay.
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How do you know when it s time to go?
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Let me first say this.
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I think society needs to change their thinking as far as
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letting go doesn t always mean it can t work out later.
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It s just that it cannot work out under these circumstances, all right.
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Because some people say well, I feel like they re the one.
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Okay, maybe they are, but maybe the time is not right.
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And it s letting go that will allow you both to do what needs to be done in your own personal lives that will allow you two to come back together and have something way more amazing.
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So, that s number one thing to consider.
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But outside of that it s when
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One, if that person is unwilling to put in the work necessary it s time to go.
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There s like so many times I ll have a video go up about communication and someone will comment saying I ve tried talking to him and he doesn t want to talk to me.
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And in my head I m like, but why are you still with them?
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if he refuses to talk to you, you ve already tried, there s nothing else to do.
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But people will let it linger on and continue while they consistently complain or unhappy about this specific issue.
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It s not going to magically get better.
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They re not going to just change it just because all of a sudden they see oh, it needs to change.
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No, if they re fighting it now, they have no reason to change it.
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And what people have to understand, you know, especially with this whole trying to fix people up,
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Healing and facing your traumas is one of the hardest things for people to do.
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So, if they already have you in their life,
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they re essentially getting the incentive or the benefit of relationship without having to do the deeper work.
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It s almost like if I m at a job and the job says you need to have a master s degree to work here, but we re going to hire you anyway and give you time to get that master s degree.
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If getting that degree is super hard to you, you re going to drag that out as long as possible.
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You may never get the degree until they fire you.
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When they fire you and you realize oh my gosh, if I don t do this I ll never get this person back, I ll never get this opportunity back, now they might go and get it.
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Because it s very tough to walk down the path of the healing process.
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So, if they re not willing to work on it you guys have already discussed it and I think that s a big thing.
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Because there s a lot of relationships that end and the couples don t even know what the real issue was.
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So, the communication they ll say well, we talked about no, you guys argued, you guys lashed out.
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There wasn t a clear communication as to what the problem was, what is expected, how do we go about this?
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If you ve done that and I believe one of the most effective ways to do that is through a letter.
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Because I feel like verbal communication of deep issues and concerns, they typically don t go well.
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You know, people get distracted, they forget what they want to say, the other person gets defensive, they re listening to rebuttal not to understand.
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But when there s a letter involved, it gives you time to get everything out.
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You can evaluate your tone, leave no stone unturned.
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And now they have an opportunity to process it on their time to really take it in and then you guys can come together and discuss the letter.
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And now it s so much easier to stay on point and get everything covered.
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If we ve done that and they re still unwilling or there s still no progress, it s time to go.
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Yeah, that s great.
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That s great advice.
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And I, for me, that s the biggest one.
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It s like, you can t make something last if only one person s working on it.
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You can t keep hoping and waiting and wishing and
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And like you said that ending doesn t mean forever.
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And often I ve found that two people need to grow individually to be able to grow collectively.
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And we re forcing growing together so hard, but we need space to grow.
6
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And
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If you can t grow together, chances are you need to grow apart in order to see whether you grow together again or grow for someone else.
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All of those options are okay, but we put so much pressure on people to grow together that they grow apart.
6
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Actually, if they chose to grow apart and grow separately, they could come back together
6
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if they learn the lessons.
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And I think that s a mistake too, that sometimes people think, I m gonna go learn this lesson for this person.
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I meet a lot of people that are like, okay, they broke up with me because I wasn t XYZ, now I m gonna go become XYZ to win them back.
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And I always find them just like, well, no, you should go become XYZ if you think you are missing XYZ, but not to win them back because you don t know what they re gonna do.
6
SPEAKER_01
What s your take on people trying to win people back?
6
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So, I 100% agree with you like, if we re trying to learn or grow it needs to be for the benefit of who we are and just whoever we deal with.
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SPEAKER_00
So, it s almost like if I was a bad communicator in this relationship I shouldn t learn to better communicate for that person I need to better communicate for whoever I m going to be with.
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If you can t see it in that light then maybe you re looking at the wrong thing.
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My thing is this I think
6
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It all depends on what the details of the situation was.
6
SPEAKER_00
What led to the breakup?
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What were you overlooking?
6
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What was missing?
6
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Are these fixable issues?
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Because a lot of people are trying to win back someone where the issues are not resolved.
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So, it s like what s the point of going back?
6
SPEAKER_00
We re just going to go in the same cycle all over again.
6
SPEAKER_00
They re letting this idea of I miss them, I don t want to be without them, blind them from the fact that you two did not get along well.
6
SPEAKER_00
Or you two don t want the same things.
6
SPEAKER_00
Or you two just whatever it is,
6
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maybe there s a lack of sexual satisfaction.
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SPEAKER_00
I don t know why I felt the need to mention that but that s what happens a lot of times.
6
SPEAKER_00
You have to stay focused on what led to the end and can this be corrected?
6
SPEAKER_00
If it can cool, but as you mentioned correcting it does not guarantee you they re coming back.
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SPEAKER_00
And even if they will come back you don t know when.
6
SPEAKER_00
they may need... So, you may have figured yourself out in six months, they might need a year.
6
SPEAKER_00
And I would argue if you guys are truly meant for each other and they need a year, you need a year too.
6
SPEAKER_00
You re just overlooking some things and you re rushing the process because you want to get back to them.
6
SPEAKER_00
I ve never found a situation where it was truly only one person who had problems and the other person was squeaky clean.
6
SPEAKER_00
No, no, no, you thought you were
6
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But you had some stuff too you needed to correct.
6
SPEAKER_00
Of course.
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So, I think we have to be honest with ourselves and just keep striving to be better.
6
SPEAKER_00
And rather than focus on winning them back just become the best you because if you do and there s a true connection there the opportunity will present itself again and you too will be able to make something of it.
6
SPEAKER_01
And the struggle is that when people finally make that decision to break up or let go, the studies show that the parts of your brain that are activated in a breakup are the same as detoxing from cocaine.
6
SPEAKER_01
Right?
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Like you re literally trying to detox so you can have a craving for someone that s bad for you.
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Or also it says that the areas of the brain that are activated in a breakup are the areas that are the same with physical pain.
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So if someone like punched you in the stomach, the reason why we say like, my heart feels broken is because it literally feels like something s broken.
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So when you re going through a breakup, when you re feeling the craving to be with that person again, studies show that over 80% of people are looking at what their exes are doing on social media, right?
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Probably through a Finster account or whatever, but you have to know what are some of the healthiest tips that you ve given to people and the people that you ve worked with that have genuinely helped people move through a breakup?
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The first thing is to ask yourself again, why was I even there?
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Why am I holding on to this individual?
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Again, I think sometimes we get so blinded by just the experience or our desire to have this person for whatever reason that we overlook what was really missing or why this could not work anyway.
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what you ll also find is and I m sure there s probably a study on it where if they broke up with you.
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You ever see a situation it happens on TV a lot where the person can be like, okay, I m going to break up with my partner.
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They re planning on it, they ve been practicing in their head, right.
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It took them a couple of weeks to muster up the strength, they re about to do it
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and then the partner breaks up with them.
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Now it s oh my gosh, I got to get them back.
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So, it s like you just forgot this whole time that was your plan.
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They just gave you the pass to do it but now because we don t like to be the one being let go of now we re fighting hard to get it back.
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So, we have to really not fall into these little
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traps that happen to us as human beings.
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Our brains is playing tricks on us or something where we confuse these emotions for oh my gosh, I must really love them.
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Or even like you said you go into that detox and because you miss... I always tell people no matter how bad the relationship was there s always good moments.
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So, if you re trying to break free, you can t just let your brain focus on the good moments.
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You have to remind yourself why this doesn t work.
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But if you keep focusing on the good, you start to make yourself think, oh, because I missed this good moment, I must miss them.
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And there s this quote that says, sometimes you re not missing the person, you re missing the feeling.
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So, you ve got to be able to differentiate those two things.
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So, getting back to how we get over these breakups is recognizing why were we really there to begin with?
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You know, could this actually work?
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The next thing is, you know, I m a huge believer that a lot of times a breakup is a blessing in disguise.
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Even if there is a chance that you two can work together or this is the one for you, you may have needed this time to reevaluate and get things in order.
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Something is obviously wrong.
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Even if you... It may be something as deep as... Because I ve seen situations where everything was going amazingly well on the surface.
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and the person broke up with them.
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Let s say the woman lets go of the man.
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So, to the man that s really confusing.
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But what it was is that that woman she had not healed from her past relationships and this relationship being so good was scaring her.
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And what happens is the better you are the scarier it becomes for her.
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She s looking for something to be wrong.
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She has to validate her fear somehow.
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When she can t find it she ll either sabotage the relationship or she ll run from it.
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So, to that man it may seem like this is so unfair, which yeah, it sucks.
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But if this woman didn t break up with you now, you were inevitably going to face this same ending, but at a worse time, all right.
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This is still best that it s happening now.
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At least if she can go do what she needs to do, there s a chance for this to come back around later.
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But it s hard for us to see it in the moment.
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So, I think just really, we also have to focus on our healing.
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Whenever a breakup happens,
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The mistake we make is that we think it s about healing from the breakup.
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No, it s healing from everything you ve been through.
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You ve probably been sleeping under the rug your childhood trauma for years.
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Maybe the last two, three relationships, whatever it is.
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So, and not healing from those things is contributing to your struggle to get past this breakup.
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and contributing to why you even chose this person to begin with.
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I m a huge believer that if you haven t healed you are 90% likely to choose the wrong person.
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Yeah.
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It s just too difficult to pick that person that you truly love and can truly love you
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and accept that level of vulnerability when you have still not resolved your past traumas and past hurts.
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So, to me that s the next big thing is just focus on your healing process because in that process you will also be able to see more clearly if this is really for you or not.
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Like, walking around unhealed is like walking around with broken glasses.
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You can t see straight no matter how hard you try.
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But healing will clear up your vision really, really fast.
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And now it ll be like, oh, wait a minute, I didn t belong there.
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You know, thank God the breakup happened.
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You know, now I m in a better place I move forward.
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So, to me I think and I would say in addition to those things is just have an accountability partner.
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whether that s friend, coach, therapist, someone that can help keep you in check, help remind you what you need to do, someone that you know you have to talk to and update what s going on so that you feel like okay, I don t want to come back to them saying I m doing the same thing over and over again.
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It doesn t guarantee success but it helps, it helps move the needle some.
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So, I would highly encourage that.
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That one mindset you spoke about that changes everything and it hit me today I was just thinking
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If we were just able, in a moment, to recognize that something painful now
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was going to be good for us in five years time.
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That would change so many things in our life.
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But we re so poor at dealing with current pain, even if it means future joy, that we just can t accept that I have to go through this.
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In everything, knowing that someone breaking up with you just saved you 10 years of a wasted life,
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is so much more than knowing you re going to have to go through a few months of pain and 10 months of pain maybe it s a bit longer maybe it s two three years but
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we just have to get our head around that, that sometimes the best things that happen to you are protecting more of your life than the pain that they re causing.
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You need the peace of knowing I did what I needed to do.
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That s it, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Because anytime you feel like well, I could have done this, but I could have done... That leaves the door open for doubt.
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Do it all.
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Exactly.
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So, it s like... And that s why I m such a big believer in you know, there s people who say well, once they re done, they re done, they ll just move on.
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And I m like no, no, no.
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express yourself, get everything off your chest because you don t need anything to linger and you questioning well, what if I did this different?
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No, speak your full piece and now you can say all right, I did what I had to do, it is what it is, I move forward.
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And I mean, it makes it easier.
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It may not make it 100% you know, not an issue whatsoever, but it s going to be easier.
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And I ll say also for me, that s why like,
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my relationship with God is so important because that s where I find my peace in dealing with a situation that doesn t work out the way I want to.
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I always tell myself okay, if this isn t working out God has something better for me, you know.
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If this is happening right now there s a purpose because I know if I followed his guidance throughout this process there s no need for me to question why is this the current outcome.
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There s a reason for this and I ve been through these things enough times to see as you mentioned, the reward is going to come.
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It may come next week, it may come years from now, it will come and I ll be able to see how it all connected.
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Yeah, Stephan it s been incredible talking to you man.
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This has been such a great back to back flowing conversation.
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We end every On Purpose episode with a final five, which is like a rapid fire, which means every question has to be answered with one word to one sentence maximum.
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Okay.
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So, here are your final five.
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The first question is, what s the best relationship advice you ve ever received or heard or given?
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It is to love fully.
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Love fully and be yourself because as I said earlier that s how you will expose quicker who is for you and who isn t for you.
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Second question, what is the worst relationship advice you ve ever heard or received?
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Get under someone to get over someone.
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Doesn t work?
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Doesn t work.
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It s only going to cause more problems.
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Question number three, how would you define your current purpose in life?
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is to serve the people and help heal hearts and help individuals experience happier, healthier relationships.
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Question number four, what s something that you used to think was important in relationships, romantic relationships, but you no longer think is important?
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I don t know if I would say it s what I thought it was that important, but I do think I can talk about it now is the woman s financial position.
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where I think once upon a time I may have put more weight on that when I was a lot younger.
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And really because that s what society and family told me was important.
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But now to me and I can say it because I m successful that financial position is not what s important to me.
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It s the love, it s the environment in the household, all these things.
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I mean of course I want her to pursue her purpose and her passion, but what she has financially doesn t move the needle at all.
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Got it.
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All right, and then fifth, and thank you for opening up and sharing that.
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Fifth and final question, if you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be?
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The one that s coming to mind is you must be honest.
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If we eliminated lying and deceit, oh my God, like this world would be so much better.
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So, just you have to tell the truth.
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Yeah, that would be an amazing one.
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Stefan, it s been amazing speaking to you today.
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I hope you come back on the show many times.
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Absolutely.
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The book is out now.
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It s called Love After Heartbreak.
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I m sure each and every one of you can relate to having gone through heartbreak.
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This is the book to have to find that love within yourself again, to make sure you can love others.
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Make sure you go and grab a copy of the book.
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We re going to put the link in the show notes so you can go and order the book.
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I highly recommend it.
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Please make sure you follow Stefan on YouTube, on Instagram, on TikTok, on all the social media platforms.
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Please do tag me and him on the platforms you use with the insights that stood out to you, the words of wisdom that he said that are going to stay with you.
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and the ones that you re bringing into your heart and life and the ones you re sharing with your friends.
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I hope you ll pass this episode on to someone who needs it.
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If you know someone who s going through a tough time through a breakup, if you know someone who s single right now and needs to do some more healing, or if you have a friend in your life who s in a relationship but struggling, this is the episode to send to them.
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Stefan, thank you so much for your time and energy.
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Thank you for having me, man.
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So grateful to you.
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Definitely a pleasure.
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Pleasure s all mine.
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Thank you, man.
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If you loved this episode, you ll love my interview with Dr. Gabor Mate on understanding your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds to start moving on from the past.
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A new season of Bridgerton is here.
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And with it.
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a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
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I m your host, Gabby Collins.
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And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the ton.
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Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
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Then fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.