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align with someone who fully accepts me in that space.
1
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Otherwise, what am I doing if I have to constantly change and adapt and shift to and walk on eggshells to make someone accept and love me?
1
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That means they don t accept and love me.
1
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And so one of the things I said to Martha when I, after about three months of dating, before we became like exclusively committed, we were hanging out a lot.
1
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And I did a few things differently in the dating phase that I d never done before.
1
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But one of them was I was so honest about everything from my past and everything about my dreams for my future.
1
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And I was just like, I m not going to hold back anything.
1
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And I thought I would scare her away by just being truthful.
1
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But she was like, wow, it s really, it s really refreshing.
1
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And I was like, are you sure you accept someone who s this driven and who s got on a mission to help people and who has people around them all the time and, you know, living this lifestyle.
1
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Are you sure you want to accept someone?
1
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She was like, yeah, that s the person I ve always been looking for.
1
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So I think it s just making sure that we re in alignment with the relationships in our career, our business partnerships, our.
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our intimate partners.
1
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I m going to take that even deeper though, because I think that, do you mind if I just like, just like describe what I witnessed just here?
1
SPEAKER_00
Go ahead.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
1
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Dude, you are so major.
1
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I just witnessed the whole process of internal family systems, which, you know, I m obsessed with and we ve talked about a lot and I ll describe it here in your journey.
1
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And what happened was you wouldn t have been able to attract a woman that you were in alignment with if you weren t in alignment with how you refer to it as your authentic self.
1
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Mm hmm.
1
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Because we re going to always attract our mirror reflection.
1
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Yeah.
1
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And so she swooped in fast.
1
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Actually, the last time you were on my podcast, you were like dating her.
1
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I was like, he s single ladies.
1
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And you re like, actually, this thing happened.
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I wasn t expecting it.
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I didn t even want it.
1
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I was just like, I m going to live my life.
1
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But also what you re defining is so profound for me in this moment because I had this privilege of having like a little, I befriended Gabor Mate, who you ve had on your podcast as well.
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He s great.
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He s one of the most amazing humans.
1
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And he and I got on a Zoom to talk about something that I was thinking about for my own therapeutic journey.
1
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And he s like, well, what s your intention in that?
1
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And I was like, oh, well, the intention is to heal some remnants of my childhood trauma.
1
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And he s like, OK.
1
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And he asked me a few more leading questions.
1
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And then he said, no, this isn t about the trauma.
1
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He s like, this is about you being in your authentic self.
1
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Yes.
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And when I heard that, I was like,
1
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was one of those moments where you have that click, like that aha, like, holy shit, man, you just nailed it.
1
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Of course, it was Gubermonte to just be like the one to be like, boom.
1
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And that moment was such a catalyst because the ways that you were in your previous relationships and what you were just defining are common qualities of those of us who have had childhood trauma.
1
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You know, I want to care for, I want to manage, I want to make sure everybody else is good.
1
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I don t want to show my true cards because what if they don t love me?
1
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And, you know, just the grasping and the almost not
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taking a lot on, you know, all of it, all of the above.
1
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Right.
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And those qualities are all in the way.
1
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They re protector parts protecting us from the shame and the fear of not having the attachment and the support and the safety that we needed when we were children.
1
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And so the journey that you underwent in your entire journey of the past 13 years since I ve known you, but really that deep dive in the five months, what you were doing was you were you were really showing that protector part of you.
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that you were there.
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Yeah, absolutely.
1
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That the adult resource Lewis was there for him.
1
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And I think I think I might have told you this.
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I m willing to do a lot of different exercises and methods to just see what opens up.
1
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And one of the exercises my coach gave me was to.
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You know, create an environment where I m alone and I m in a meditative state and to really go back and have a
1
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meaningful, loving, courageous conversation with my five-year-old self, five, six, seven-year-old self.
1
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But put myself in the environment, you know, physically, emotionally, mentally, where he, myself, is right in front of me.
1
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And I m looking down at him, and I m connecting with him, and I m speaking to him eye-to-eye, face-to-face.
1
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And it was one of the most powerful exercises I ve ever done probably because I could see the uncertainty in my five-year-old self.
1
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I could see the loneliness, the fear, the insecurity, the doubt, the worry, the concern, the
1
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What does all this mean?
1
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You know, conversations with a five-year-old brain, just trying to figure out what the point of all this is.
1
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And I could have a meaningful conversation with my five-year-old self as my adult self, and I could parent and give myself what I actually needed and what I wanted in those times.
1
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And it was such a beautiful experience.
1
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I did it for about 30, 40 minutes.
1
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And at the end, I was just able to, I was just smiling because I was like, wow, you didn t know what was happening.
1
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You didn t know why you were here.
1
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You didn t know why these things were happening dramatically in your life.
1
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And yet you overcame it.
1
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And so I was just so proud of him.
1
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I was so grateful for him and, uh, for what he was able to do to survive, to get through, to make it to the next stage of life.
1
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And I just was able to embrace my, you know, childhood self and hug him and really put him in my chest and in my heart and feel his heartbeat and calm him down and then integrate him inside of me.
1
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I m kind of like infusing my childhood self in me and feel peace and relaxed and calm and love and joyful and find the meaning from all the different challenges that happened.
1
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And I think that was a beautiful exercise for me.
1
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And I recommend people doing that when the time is right, the season is right to try it.
1
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What you just defined is the core intention of IFS therapy.
1
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And it s also like the, in my opinion, from like all the therapies out there, like that s the game changing moment.
1
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When the child part feels seen by the authentic self, by the self with a capital S, you ve referred to it even as the internal parent, when the child self feels seen and feels, when it feels like it s done its job and it s not wrong or bad, and when it feels safe.
1
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And it feels safe by your adult self, your current self.
1
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With you, with your adult self.
1
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That s right.
1
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And not, and not shaming your, your childhood self for these things anymore and all the things that you did or didn t do or whatever.
1
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So I just had a lot of shame and guilt around many different kinds of stages of my life where when I went through a stage of stealing like candy bars and you know, stupid stuff at stores for a year and a half.
1
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And then I had a stage of lying to people that I, you know, just all these different stages.
1
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I was like, man,
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That s not who I want to be.
1
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And it s not who I am anymore, but you feel shame and guilt around these actions from the past.
1
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So really learning to forgive myself, learning to accept myself, learning to just fully love all of me at the different stages, not saying it s okay what I did or stealing is okay, but saying, you know what?
1
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It s not okay, but at least you changed it at 11 years old and you stopped doing that.
1
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And you started making shifts and acknowledging the growth and acknowledging the
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you know, the impact and all these different things.
1
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So it s been a, it s been a beautiful journey of, I think I showed you the last time I saw you, I had a photo of my, my, uh, five-year-old self on my phone for the last six months.
1
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I had a photo of my 11 year old self on my phone and about two weeks ago, I just changed it to kind of the 16, 17 year old self on my phone.
1
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Right.
1
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So cute.
1
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yeah happy little guy right so i m reconnecting to the different stages of my emotional psychological
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life and Connecting and saying hey, I got you at this at 5.
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I got you at 11.
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I got you at 16 and 17 I got you at 25 and the goal for me is to marry From all these different moments into my current present self.
1
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That s right so I can be fully integrated accepting all the parts of me in my past and be very just clear and intentional about The actions the thoughts and the behaviors when I have in the moment
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You re retrieving these child parts.
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And in that retrieval, you re bringing them back home to you.
1
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Yes.
1
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And your authentic self, or self with a capital S, becomes the internal parent and the internal leader to all of these parts.
1
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And what s so beautiful is that the parts actually don t have to go away.
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They just become less extreme.
1
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Exactly.
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Less scary.
1
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Yeah.
1
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Yeah.
1
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So they may not be stealing, but they re still, you know, willing to take risks.
1
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Right.
1
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Exactly.
1
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Right.
1
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Exactly.
1
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There s these qualities in them that are so necessary and their qualities that made you who you are.
1
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And this, this transformational leader, 10 years of service in this podcast.
1
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Yeah.
1
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And it s trying to, and it s trying to say, okay, what are those things that I.
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you know, that I did and how can I use them all for good, those qualities, those emotions, those actions, and be using them in service to something greater.
2
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Now that they re not in their extreme freaked out triggered roles because they feel safe with you as their internal parent, they have so much freedom to just do the thing that they love to do, which is whatever it might be, right?
2
SPEAKER_00
Exactly.
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That s, this is therapy people.
2
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this is it feels amazing you know yeah and uh you know i know you re extremely intentional and in trying lots of different therapeutic experiences over your journey as well and it s been a decade of trying lots of stuff for me from emotional intelligence workshops for you know about a year and a half consistently to
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going to India for weeks to learn and study meditation and become a meditation instructor to, you know, extreme ice baths with Wim Hof in Poland, you know, climbing mountains half naked in snow and, and then the intensive therapy for two years every two weeks.
2
SPEAKER_00
And just being willing to see what opens up for me, be willing to see what, like trying stuff on to see if it makes sense to see if it resonates and see if it supports my highest authentic self.
2
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And I think the journey never ends for me.
2
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You know, my coach says healing is a journey and there s always going to be an integration season of some healing, I feel like.
2
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But I just feel much more peaceful and at peace of who I am and accepting myself with everything that s happening in the world, with everything that happens in my individual world as well.
2
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And that gives me a lot of courage to just keep showing up and taking action.
2
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And I think that s the key.
2
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Courage is one of the eight C qualities of that self energy, right?
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Courage, compassion, calmness.
2
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But you ve said courage multiple times.
2
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I heard you say about four times.
2
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And the word courage is, I really, really, you embody it, is a sure sign that you are fully in connection to self.
2
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And the thing I want to say is that while we re always a work in progress, you actually have hit this point where it s integrated.
2
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And this is actually like, this is the happy dream.
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You know, this is where you can, can really relish in the presence and the beautiful essence of life.
2
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Because as traumatized children, you and I did not have a lot of ability.
2
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Our brain literally didn t have the capacity to be present.
2
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And then now I want you to sell, I mean, man, I love you like a brother.
2
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I want you to celebrate this integration because here you are right now and you re waking up to the woman who s reflecting back to you that light and you are in your full self.
2
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And I just, it does get easier now.
2
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It really does.
2
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it feels like freedom is what it feels like and I never and I never felt free internally and it was always like how can I create externally the feelings that I m going to feel more peaceful or free inside but I m sure like you you had you know different challenges for for many years you know one of mine was I just couldn t sleep at night I was just like up for hours every night until
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a handful of years ago when I actually was able to lay down and go to sleep in like five, 10 minutes, where it would take me hours.
2
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And that was my thing was just like kind of constantly worrying and stressing and unsure.
2
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And it doesn t mean
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You know, I don t have to take care of life and handle situations and business and manage people and worry about the economy and the recession or whatever is happening.
2
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But it doesn t keep me up at night.
2
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I use the worry and I take the actions courageously to prepare myself.
2
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And then I can still rest at night with all the uncertainty, with all the challenges that are happening around me and just be like, okay, I m going to be able to handle it.
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I m going to be able to take care of it and handle it.
2
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My guy always have like my five-year-old self did when he was sexually abused.
2
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Like my 11 year old self did 16, 25, all this stuff.
2
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I was able to figure it out.
2
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Maybe it wasn t perfect, but it got me here.
2
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But the beauty is that you no longer have to handle it from a five-year-old place.
2
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You can handle it from an adult resourced place now.
2
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100% I have no ego in thinking that I need to do it all on my own.
2
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So I ve got multiple coaches in different areas of my life that are important to me to guide me, to support me, to give me feedback, to make sure that I don t feel like I have all the weight on my shoulders to figure it out a hundred percent of the time.
2
SPEAKER_00
I think just finding great community support, friends, family, coaches, takes the weight off your shoulders.
2
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And I think that s what we could all use.
2
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And you know,
2
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your podcast and the books that you write create that connection for people to feel seen and to feel coached and to feel guided.
2
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And so I just want to, can you please tell all of your coaches and therapists that Gabby Bernstein says, thank you, because we need you in your highest self because you are that for so many people.
2
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And I know that your soul knows that.
2
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Your soul s like, we ve got to go big, people.
2
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It s like talking to all the little people inside of you.
2
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We ve got to calm this system, because we need to show up.
2
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It s go time.
2
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We ve got to show up.
2
SPEAKER_00
Absolutely.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
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Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I m about to turn, I don t know when this is coming out, but I m going to be 40 in March.
2
SPEAKER_01
So your book s coming out right when the 40 is coming out.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, right before.
2
SPEAKER_00
March 16th is my 40th.
2
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The book s March 7th.
2
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Wow.
2
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
2
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It s, there s a lot of things, you know, evolving and transitioning and I think it s, you know, a lot of shedding letting go and allowing me to step into, you know, the man the human the leader that
2
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I think I m supposed to be even more so.
2
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And it s just stepping into more courage.
2
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It s like, okay, you ve never done this before.
2
SPEAKER_00
So how can you be courageously confident in your actions and letting go of certain things that may no longer support you that did in a season, but won t support you in the next season.
2
SPEAKER_00
And then take the things that did support me to the next season.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I m just really grateful for
2
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all the pain and all the challenges, because I think it s what s shaped me to be ready for the next level.
2
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And I think a lot of people shy away from discomfort and pain and all these things that happen.
2
SPEAKER_00
But if I didn t have all this stuff, I want to be ready to take on the role that I m taking on in my life right now in relationships and business and everything.
2
SPEAKER_00
If I had a peaceful, comfortable,
2
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perfect life, I don t think I would be capable of having the tools, the wisdom, and the integration to support others.
2
SPEAKER_01
You wouldn t be who you are.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
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And you wouldn t have the courage to put this book out, this third book that you have coming out.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s been five years since you had your last book out.
2
SPEAKER_01
And this is a big book, man, The Greatness Mindset.
2
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And I just want to read everybody the subtitle, Unlock the Power of Your Mind and Live Your Best Life Today.
2
SPEAKER_01
And really, this is about eliminating self-sabotage.
2
SPEAKER_01
and really pursuing that meaningful mission in your life, which is everything we just spoke about.
2
SPEAKER_00
Exactly.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I think a lot of people, it s interesting, just to tie back to the beginning of our conversation, I had a meaningful mission nine and a half years ago when I did this episode where I did a meditation visualizing the relationship of my dreams, like the feelings I wanted to have, the experience I wanted to have,
2
SPEAKER_00
And I had it, but I was not able to actualize it because I was still living in fear and uncertainty from wounds of the past.
2
SPEAKER_00
And so those wounds were driving me, were driving my actions.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I was disconnected from my meaningful mission, my vision, and my behaviors and thoughts and actions.
2
SPEAKER_00
And it wasn t until I was able to fully integrate the healing lessons when the relationship that I actually desired for eight years prior came to light.
2
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And that s true for everything.
2
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It s like we can have an idea of what we want or a mission or a dream or a goal, but if we are still wounded,
2
SPEAKER_00
it s just not going to fully align and I think it wasn t until I aligned to my highest self when that just it came to me so quickly and I wasn t even trying to find I wasn t trying to look for it I was just being a hundred percent courageous and authentic and then it showed up yeah and you talk about manifesting all the time and I know this is like your wheelhouse but it was it was so there was so many synchronicities and signs that were
2
SPEAKER_00
Kind of, there was like too many.
2
SPEAKER_00
It was just like, the universe was like, this is the way.
2
SPEAKER_00
Keep going this way.
2
SPEAKER_00
It was like every sign every day was just pointing to true north in this.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I was just like, OK, I have to pay attention.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
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And the other thing I want to point out about that is the manifesting really is that we attract our likeness.
2
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And so all of the partners that you attracted before, Marta, were in a vibrational alignment with where you were at, right?
2
100%.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s like their incomplete parts were meeting your incomplete parts.
2
SPEAKER_01
And together, they were learning, right?
2
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And then here you are, you know, fully aligned and integrated and you meet this woman who is absolutely fully aligned and integrated.
2
SPEAKER_01
But I want to really acknowledge, because a lot of people that are listening are not at the stage yet where they are integrated and they ve had that retrieval.
3
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they ve done that, that connecting, that reconnecting to the child parts.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so wherever you are on your path, it s perfect because, you know, if you look at Lewis s life, you can be doing really good work in the world and you can be doing really great healing and you can be creating a successful business and you can be making connections and all of the things that you were doing over the last decade or 13 years since I ve known you,
3
SPEAKER_00
and still be suffering at the same time.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, 100%.
3
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And that as long as you are in the pursuit of freedom, that s enough.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, 100%.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I think about, you know, my friend Twitch, who just took his life a few weeks ago, about a month ago now, this guy was just so joyful, so loving, so kind, you know, would reach out to me, check in on me, and just brought joy to people constantly.
3
SPEAKER_01
And, um, a lot of people didn t know he was suffering inside and he was going through his own challenges.
3
SPEAKER_01
And, you know, if I look back, there s a few moments and signs and messages he sent, but it still didn t think like, oh, he s going to be, you know, doing this.
3
SPEAKER_01
And you just never know what people are going through and where their pain is, how, how painful things are.
3
SPEAKER_01
And you can still be achieving and succeeding, like you said, and, and putting on a joyful face and having fun in life, but suffering inside.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I know, I know a lot of us have experienced that at different stages of our life.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think right now it s safe to say that you can just assume that everyone s suffering in some way, right?
3
SPEAKER_00
And it s probably a, it sounds like a low vibe way to approach people, but it s actually a really compassionate way to approach people because we are often sort of like reacting to people s attitudes and this, and it s really, where are they?
3
SPEAKER_00
They re in a part of them that s not happy, that s not healed, that s not whole, that s locked up in a childhood story and all of the above.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so it doesn t mean we need to stick around for it, but we say a prayer for them.
3
SPEAKER_00
100%.
3
SPEAKER_00
And also, you know, show up and ask how we can be of service when it s appropriate, because there s so much suffering.
3
SPEAKER_00
There s just so much suffering.
3
SPEAKER_00
A lot.
3
SPEAKER_00
And in the book, you talk about really undoing that mindset of self-sabotage.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so what would be something that you d want to share from the book that would start us off?
3
SPEAKER_01
I think one of the things is a lot of people, they re not clear on what they want or what they want is based off of wound.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so they re going to get what they want from a wounded place and it s not going to be enough.
3
SPEAKER_01
This is what I lived for many years in sports, you know, accomplishing goals.
3
SPEAKER_01
wanted to be, you know, a champion or all American or going professional, whatever it might be.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I would accomplish it after a decade of training for something and feel like, hmm, why is it not giving me the feeling that I want?
3
SPEAKER_01
Why is it not enough?
3
SPEAKER_01
Maybe I need more.
3
SPEAKER_01
I need to have a bigger goal or bigger dream to go after.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I kept repeating that and then transitioning that into business world.
3
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and making money and getting accomplishments and being recognized and thinking, OK, that s going to make me feel more complete and whole.
3
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And it didn t.
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And that s why I was so confused, because I m doing all this hard work to accomplish these things that are my dreams.
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And yes, they were fulfilling and they were exciting at the same time, but it didn t give me the feeling of wholeness inside and feeling like I m still good enough.
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And so one is getting clear on our meaningful mission and figuring out why we want the thing we want.
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Is it for selfish reasons?
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You know, I really think of success is about selfish reasons.
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Us being successful is for us.
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The greatness is about serving to other people.
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So how can we have a meaningful mission that supports our dreams and also impacts the people around us in a powerful way?
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That s really the win-win.
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When we get clear on that,
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Then we ve got to do the work of figuring out, OK, what s the thing that s holding me back?
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What s the thing that causes the most doubt and insecurity in myself?
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It s usually one of these three fears, the fear of failure, the fear of success, or the fear of judgment, other people s opinions.
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And for me, I was never afraid of failure or success because as an athlete, I knew that failure was just the process to accomplishing success.
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You drop the ball, you learn, you get feedback, and then you practice to get better.
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It was not like you, you re horrible if you fail.
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It was, okay, there s a lesson there.
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Let s improve on this.
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Let s practice all week until the next game.
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Success was the thing that I wanted, but I was always afraid of people s opinions of everything, the judgment.
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And at the center of all three of these fears is I m not enough.
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Each one of those are tied to I m not enough.
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And it wasn t until I was able to figure out how to be enough and accept the different parts of me from my past when I got that piece and that
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Renewable courage to face anything at all times.
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I can still feel scared or a little intimidated or fearful, but it doesn t hold me back from taking the actions to actually go towards it.
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So when I marry a meaningful mission that is about we, not just me, and I m able to get to the root of one of these three fears and accept myself.
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That s when you can really do some beautiful, magical things in the world.
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And so that s part of the process in the book is going through that reflection period, understanding how to accept yourself, and then being able to have the courage to take action through the fears that hold your back.
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In many ways, you re coaching people through the journey you ve underwent.
3
100%.
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And my friend Rory Vaden says, we are perfectly positioned to help the person we once were.
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Ah, beautiful, Rory.
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That s a nice one.
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I do the podcast for myself.
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I, you know, do the events for myself.
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I write the books for the things that I need to learn.
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That s right.
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This is the book I wish I had at 16 at 25 at 35 and now at 40 and it s the book I wish I m going to have and will have at 50 because this is like.
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is I wrote this for me and for the different stages of my life that I m going to need to have the tools to overcome these obstacles.
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And I wish I could have written it 10 years ago, but I didn t have the wisdom then.
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Well, you don t necessarily.
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Do you wish it?
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Because I always think like, oh, you know, I say things like, oh, I wish I d known that, or I wish I d known that.
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But I don t know.
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Or I wish someone else wrote it so I could have it.
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You know, I found myself.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah, correct.
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But even still, it s almost like you had to live it to have it.
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You had to live it to have it.
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And then, you know, of course, somebody else will reap the benefits of having it and being able to get that at 16 or 20 or whatever it might be.
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Did you write this book after that self-integration with those little children?
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Yes.
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So you asked me before we started recording, like, what took you so long or what, you know, why did it take, you know, five and a half years until this to come out?
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And I wanted to write this five years ago after my last book, I was like, I know what the next book is.
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It was this.
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And I did a lot of work, like getting the concepts and making, you know, getting the, the baseline of it.
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But there was something off inside of me that was just unable to create it and put it out on paper for whatever reason.
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I think it was, it s not like this.
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I had this imposter syndrome.
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It was more.
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And I wasn t afraid to like create stuff cause I d already written two books.
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That wasn t the thing.
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You were podcasting multiple times a week.
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You re not afraid to create anything.
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Yeah.
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It wasn t, I was like, I was afraid to put it out into the world.
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It s felt like.
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It just felt like I didn t have the energy to make it exactly the way I wanted to.
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Like, it felt like there was something off inside of me that I knew it wasn t ready to put it out yet.
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So for years, I was doing the research for years.
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I was interviewing people, asking questions that I knew wanted to be in the book, but I was dealing with so much.
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energy in a couple previous relationships, managing stress and trying to please people and trying to make sure that everything was okay with them, that I hadn t done the full integration work of the intimacy part of the wound that I had to deal with.
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And, um, and so after these kind of like five months of therapy, I felt so free and so peaceful internally that I wrote this thing in like five months.
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I had someone help me, you know, really craft it and make it great.
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Uh, but it just came out of me.
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Now I ve done essentially four years of research and had tons of documentation, like it was all ready to go.
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SPEAKER_00
But also all the women that you dated that ripped your heart out or whatever, what, you know, that triggered and activated those child parts.
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That s the real research.
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Oh, man, that was that was like, yeah, 15 years of just, of just,
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learning and lessons and wisdom.
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It s exactly right.
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So much appreciation for these relationships and these, these partners, because again, I could have left these things at any moment.
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I could have not chosen these people.
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I could have like said, Hey, after two years of stress, like I m going to remove myself from this.
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It s not working.
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We re not aligned, but I had fears that I wasn t willing to, I didn t have the courage.
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to remove myself from the situations.
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When I knew in my head, like, and my heart, this is not right for me.
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Yeah.
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But I lacked the courage.
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And so it was, you know, it was all part of a bigger plan.
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The courage was always there.
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It wasn t integrated.
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It wasn t.
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It wasn t integrated.
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Your child parts were not aware of the courage.
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And I didn t fully accept myself.
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I was like, I felt like I needed this relationship or I needed to make prove that I was a good person and can, you know, make someone happy or that, you know, I wasn t going to bail or whatever it was, but really we re just, we re never in alignment and it s okay.
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And everyone listening in their own way is living that, right?
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And even me, this was like yesterday that Gabor Mate blew my mind, right?
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So we re all living with these managers.
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That was the word that you used, which was really fascinating.
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That we all have these managers that are working tirelessly to protect us from ever having to feel that feeling of shame.
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inadequacy, not being lovable, not being good enough.
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And so we re literally managing all day long with people pleasing or managing with addiction or managing with just trying to prove ourselves or whatever those tools are.
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And it s when we let those managers meet the self,
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when we create what s called direct access from our authentic self to the manager and let that adult self start to regulate, calm, soothe, that s when the managers can relax.
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And that s when you know self is there.
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Yeah, and I didn t have the tools to self-soothe in a healthy way internally, right?
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Most don t.
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And I think, you know, you had your addiction problem back in the day and other people, we use these different methods to soothe.
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I didn t have the tools to just be able to hug myself internally and be like, Hey, it s all, it s all good.
4
Yeah.
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And now that you have that tool and this is the cool thing is like, now that you have that direct access to self, it s like, you could do it all day long.
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It s like, you could notice like something triggers you and it could be like, I got my guy, I got myself, you know, it s like all day, all day, every day.
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That s the work.
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I was very self-critical internally as opposed to being a healthy self-coach.
4
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And I would have different coaches in my life in sports, and some of them were incredibly loving and kind and could speak to specifically my needs and were great at just understanding each individual s needs and how to coach them.
4
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And I had other coaches in sports that were extremely critical, were loud, would swear, would scream.
4
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And it was almost like I would repeat that
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at times, and I was self-critical as opposed to being a healthy self-coach.
4
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And it s just learning the tools and how to coach ourselves better as opposed to being critics.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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How to coach yourself better.
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That s so cool.
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Yes, that s exactly right.
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And so now that this third book is coming out and you wake up next to this incredible, extraordinary person, Marta, and she s smiling and you re touching the souls of people for the past decade with this podcast.
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What do you feel is shifted, not just personally, because we heard a lot about the personal shift, but is there a professional shift that s occurring for you as a result of these interchanges?
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For many years, I was afraid to give up control of
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call it your personal brand, your content, your message, the way you do things, right?
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So I did things for so many years that helped me get certain results and accomplish certain things, but I wasn t able to break through to the next level of business results of impact results of
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you know, personal professional growth at the same time.
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And I was afraid, I was afraid of building a bigger team.
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I was afraid of letting go of the roles that I had ownership on and training other people and seeing if they could do it at the same level or better.
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And I was really kind of afraid of what it would look like to invest more money in the business and managing more people.
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So that was kind of a fear of mine for many years where I was comfortable
4
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being kind of a lifestyle entrepreneur, making, you know, several million dollars in sales a year, working out of my apartment, right.
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And kind of having that lifestyle with a team of like four or five people.
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And it wasn t until a couple of years ago where I was just like, you know what, if I am truly looking to make a bigger impact, and I was clear on my meaningful mission for years, which is to serve a hundred million lives weekly to help them improve the quality of their life.
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I know I can t do that on my own.
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You know, after all these interviews with intelligent people and people who have built big businesses, you know, the ones that have the biggest businesses, most of them, when I asked them, what is the key to impact and growth?
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They say team, team, team, team, team, team.
4
SPEAKER_00
Totally.
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Having the right people, having more people.
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you know, not having more people than you need, but just having more people.
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The right people.
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Yeah.
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The right people and their revenue.
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And I would ask them like, you know, what s the difference between, um, you know, a million and 10 million and 10 million and a hundred million and a hundred million, a billion or whatever, just these questions that are like, well, scaling the team.
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Yeah.
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because you re unable to really scale the revenue.
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There are some cases of people maybe with software or something like that, that can expand it.
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But in general, it s hard to scale the business revenue and the impact without the right people on the team.
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And so I had to learn the courage of, you know, now we ve got 22 full-time employees, but 50 people that we pay on a monthly basis who are freelancers, contractors, agencies.
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SPEAKER_00
And, um, having the courage to invest more, having the courage to say, okay, the overhead is going to go from where it was to 10 times that monthly.
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Can I lean into that leadership role?
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Can I lean into, um, managing more people?
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Can I lean into delegating and empowering more?
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What does that look like?
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So it s just learning all new skills that I didn t have the confidence or the courage to do before.
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And knowing that everything is going to work out no matter what happens.
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And so that s been something I ve leaned into in the last two years.
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And it s, there s been uncomfortable moments in time, you know, challenging times and lessons and mistakes, but it s, it s been a beautiful thing to witness because last year was our biggest year ever.
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And we ve had the more people on the team than ever.
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That s right.
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And what you re doing now is self-led leadership because you re in alignment with self, that authentic self.
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And so if you re there, you can say anything.
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You can tell employees some hard truths.
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You can fire somebody fast if it s not working.
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All of that can happen because you re in self.
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Also, that presence of self is the greatest gift you can give your team.
4
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It really is.
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SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
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Yeah, it really is.
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God, I m so proud of you.
4
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Thank you.
4
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I m just, I m just so pumped about this new book.
4
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I want to just let you just riff for a minute as we close this conversation about what your hope is.
4
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So whenever I write a book, I always put the intention at the top of the manuscript, like intention.
4
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This is what I want for my reader and for myself too, right?
4
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In terms of like what I want the book to do for my own healing.
4
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So what was the core intention for this book?
4
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The intention is always to impact the maximum number of people with anything that I do.
4
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And I wanted to simplify this.
4
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I think there s a lot of incredible books out there that I love on similar conversations and topics.
4
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For me, I learn with basic understanding.
4
SPEAKER_00
And so I needed to create something that was so simple to understand around complicated, scary, challenging things.
4
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And so I just try to say, how can I simplify it so that I could understand it at any age in my life?
4
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And it still be extremely impactful, research-driven, science-backed, rich content, but easy to implement and understand.
4
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And that was my goal at this, because I think a lot of people are afraid.
4
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A lot of people have self-doubt.
4
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And again, I think self-doubt is the killer of dreams.
4
SPEAKER_00
And they have information and content on how to be more inspired or motivated or develop habits.
4
SPEAKER_00
But I think a lot of people still today
4
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lack the confidence and doubt themselves more than ever when there are more tools and resources than ever to support them.
4
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And I want to eliminate self-doubt in the world by giving people the tool on how they can do this for themselves.
4
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No one else is going to eliminate it for you.
4
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No one else is going to anoint you with confidence.
4
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No one else is going to give you a leadership role.
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They may, but you still have to be the one that claims it, that owns it.
4
SPEAKER_00
Quick story, when I was an eighth grader, I would watch the high school basketball team, the varsity team, when I was in eighth grade.
4
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And I was inspired by the older kids.
4
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And they were much bigger and taller and stronger and athletic.
4
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And I got to practice with the varsity sometimes as an eighth grader because I was a tall kid.
4
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There was a kid, uh, who was probably the most incredible athlete I d ever witnessed still today.
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He was a freak of nature athletically.
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He could jump, you know, 45 inch vertical.
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He could 360 dunk.
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He could do anything he wanted to on anyone, but whenever the game would come, he would get scared.
4
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He would get insecure and he would shy his greatness down.
4
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He would dim it.
4
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And I never understood it because I was just like, I have a fraction of the talent that this guy has, but he didn t have the courage.
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Everyone on the team was like, you re the leader.
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You re the captain.
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You re the best.
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Everyone knew he was amazing, but he didn t believe it.
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So it doesn t matter how much talent you have, how many credentials you have, how much schooling you have.
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It doesn t matter if the whole world tells you, you are incredible.
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If you aren t.
5
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able to have the tools to believe it and claim your greatness, then you re going to squander your results.
5
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You re going to shy back from creating it and letting the world see your artistic expression of what your talents and gifts are.
5
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And for me, I don t want people to die with their dreams inside of them and I want them to
5
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regret, not giving it a shot, not giving it a go.
5
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And it doesn t matter if we fail on our mission or our dreams and our goals, to be honest, it really doesn t matter.
5
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What matters is if we are willing to go all in on it authentically, courageously, and lovingly towards it.
5
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And the results are going to happen or not, but at least you can feel proud of who you were in the process and the journey.
5
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Yeah.
5
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That was a motivational talk.
5
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I mean, we know what can come from you.
5
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But that was that was I mean, that was an epic way to end this conversation, because it is your life s mission.
5
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It s letting us live with the mindset of greatness and helping people do that so that we don t die with our dreams still in us.
5
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And success is about self and greatness is about others.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I think it s, it s learning to shift our ideals around what our dreams actually are and who they include.
5
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And it doesn t mean you can t go build a big business or be a success or, you know, be recognized in all these things and have a big audience.
5
SPEAKER_00
But it s just asking yourself, do I want to be successful or do I want to be fulfilled?
5
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And I think success is never enough to feel fulfilled unless it includes other people.
5
SPEAKER_00
And for me, that s greatness.
5
SPEAKER_01
Ooh, Lewis, I love you.
5
SPEAKER_00
I love you too.
5
SPEAKER_00
I appreciate you.
5
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I appreciate you because I think there s a lot of people putting content out in the world, but you are such a consistent individual and connecting to people s hearts and seeing people and speaking into what people truly need and how they re feeling.
5
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And I m just so grateful that you re consistently authentic to that message.
5
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of abundance, of peace, of healing, and of love.
5
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I think this is the conversations that people need to hear the most.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I love that you re doing it on your podcast every week.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
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I love you so deeply.
5
SPEAKER_01
I honor you for your courage.
5
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That s your word now, man.
5
SPEAKER_01
Your courage.
5
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And
5
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It s been such a privilege to watch you grow into this incredible 40-year-old man that you re about to be.
5
SPEAKER_00
I appreciate it.
5
SPEAKER_01
Congratulations.
5
SPEAKER_00
Thank you.
5
SPEAKER_01
Everybody, go get your copy of The Greatness Mindset.
5
SPEAKER_01
I don t have to tell them.
5
SPEAKER_01
They ve already ordered it while they were listening.
5
SPEAKER_01
And I m just proud to be your friend.
5
SPEAKER_01
I love you.
5
SPEAKER_00
Thanks, Gabby.
5
SPEAKER_00
Appreciate you.
5
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I hope today s episode inspired you on your journey towards greatness.
5
SPEAKER_00
Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today s show with all the important links.
5
SPEAKER_00
And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me, as well as add free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our greatness plus channel on apple podcast.
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SPEAKER_00
If you enjoyed this, please share it with a friend over on social media or text a friend.
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SPEAKER_00
Leave us a review over on Apple podcast and let me know what you learned over on our social media channels at Lewis Howes.
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SPEAKER_00
I really love hearing the feedback from you and it helps us continue to make the show better.
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SPEAKER_00
And if you want more inspiration from our world-class guests and content to learn how to improve the quality of your life, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness Newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.
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SPEAKER_00
And if no one has told you today, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.
5
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And now it s time to go out there and do something great.