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My name is Lee Hawkins.
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I ve been a journalist for over 25 years.
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On my new podcast, What Happened in Alabama, I get answers to some of the hardest questions about how things came to be for many black Americans and the truth that must come before any reconciliation can happen.
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I investigate my family history, my upbringing in Minnesota, and my father s painful nightmares about growing up in Alabama.
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What Happened in Alabama is a new series confronting the cycles of trauma for myself, my family, and for many Black Americans.
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Listen now.
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Hi listeners, if you re listening to this episode the day it comes out, in six short days, Don t Ask Tig is putting on a live streaming show that s live on the internet, so you can watch from anywhere in the world.
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Joining me will be not one, but two special guests, the co-hosts of our brand new podcast, Handsome.
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Mae Martin and Fortune Feimster.
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That s three times the shenanigans and comedic nonsense that you re used to.
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And guess what?
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It s not just for your ears, but your eyes as well.
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It s all happening on Zoom.
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So no matter where you are in the world, you can be in on the fun too.
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Join us next Tuesday, September 12th at 6 p.m.
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Pacific Time, 8 p.m.
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Central, 9 p.m.
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Eastern.
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Go to DontAskTig.org slash live for tickets.
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DontAskTig, DontAskFortune, and DontAskMay on September 12th.
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Tickets are at DontAskTig.org slash live.
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And if you happen to be in the following cities on the following dates, please come see me live and on stage at Torrington, Connecticut, September 15th, Rochester, New York, September 16th, Wilmington, Delaware, September 17th, Colorado Springs, September 25th, Breckenridge, Colorado, September 28th,
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I ll be doing a European tour for most of October, and then I get back to the States, October 28th, La Crosse, Wisconsin, and then November 4th, I m taping my next stand-up special in Brooklyn at King s Theatre.
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Get all ticket and show information at tignotaro.com.
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Now, please enjoy the show.
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It couldn t possibly be phone sex in 1905.
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Hello?
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You know, with the like earpiece, like you hold the little thing to your ear and you re talking to a speaker.
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Hello?
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What color is your bonnet?
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This is Don t Ask Tig.
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I m Tig Notaro.
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And while it s back to school season, none of you have learned your lesson not to ask me for advice.
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With me today is an actor, writer, and comedian who starred in the CBS TV show Carol s Second Act.
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She is a consulting producer on Apple s Fraggle Rock reboot and is co-executive producer on the upcoming Amazon animated series, Number One, Happy Family USA.
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She s written on shows like Search Party, Big Mouth, and Harley Quinn.
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You can see her stand up on Netflix s The Comedy Lineup.
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Sabrina Gillies, welcome to Don t Ask Tig.
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Never been more aroused by an intro.
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Super into the way you teed it up.
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Well, you did it all.
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I m just telling everyone in case they don t know everything.
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Well, when you said consulting producer, I said, wow, I ve really prepared for the part of giving people advice with you today.
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Absolutely.
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Well, this is the climax.
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All the consulting has been for this moment.
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Everything in life has been for this moment.
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It s true.
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And even though it s kind of jokey, it s not a joke.
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It s one million percent fact.
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Everything in life has prepared us for this moment.
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Can I go ahead and just right away ask you how your family hurricane was?
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Well, we ve been on family vacation, so we did not have family hurricane or family earthquake even.
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Did you feel like you were missing out or did you feel like smug as a bug in a rug?
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SPEAKER_01
I am thrilled to not be involved in any sort of
0
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natural disaster.
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It s it s my least favorite thing in the world.
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How is yours?
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Mine was going fantastic until I was looking for something in the basement and basement is simply drumroll please.
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Fla-dee-sha.
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Fla-dee-sha.
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The basement is Fla-dee-sha.
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And why do I give it that gender?
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Because all of Shauna s dresses, all of her everything femme goes in the basement.
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And Shauna is, of course... Everybody knows this.
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My wife.
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Husband.
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My husband, Shauna.
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If you re listening to this podcast, you know I ve got a big strong husband that keeps dresses in the basement named Shauna.
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And so everything femme goes in your basement?
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Well, like she s a wardrobe stylist.
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And so I m saying everything femme goes in the basement, but I m just saying there s like a lot of gowns.
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There s a lot of, you know, those tiny little joke hats.
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There s just a lot of accessories that are down there.
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Not a lot of my stuff, so stakes are low for me, but stakes are high for how do I reveal this to my husband Shauna.
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Do you think you re going to hire a company?
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Is it at that point where you need somebody to come pump water out?
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Well, I m just realizing we don t need to know each other all that well, because Sabrina s not hiring a company, baby.
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Oh, you re handy.
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Sabrina s going to do it six to seven times wrong herself, and then Shauna s going to hire a company.
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I m impressed.
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You get in there and you do it, even if it s wrong.
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It is always wrong.
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There s just a little Pakistani man with ketchup stains on a tracksuit in my mind, just running me like a caterpillar, just operating the... And I go visit my parents and I see the dynamic in their marriage and I m like, oh, it s like go to couples therapy, am I right?
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And then something like this happens that triggers the knee jerk
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caterpillar ancestral trauma of duct tape fixes.
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And I m like, oh no, I can keep on talking to my therapist, but I will still do it wrong first.
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SPEAKER_01
Mm.
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Well, does your wife appreciate that you try?
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Yeah, I think so.
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Deep down inside, I bet maybe I could hire someone.
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Now, you are a married person.
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You are a married person.
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SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
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And on September 1st, it ll be 11 years.
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Married 11 years.
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Mm hmm.
0
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And then how long were you together before you tied the knot?
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About three.
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So that ll put you at 14, honey.
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Wow.
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SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
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Did you meet on your own farming for love?
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What is this show on, Farming for Love?
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Farming for Love is on a Canadian network.
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You can t get it unless you get one of those spy devices that says you re in Canada, your computer s in Canada, VPN.
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And so farmers try to find a soulmate, right?
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Oh, they don t try it.
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They don t try, they do, Tig.
0
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This is a format that has been owned by Fremantle for years and years, been done in like 27 countries, resulted in almost 200 weddings, but get this, 495 kids.
0
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are the result of this format.
0
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Okay.
0
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So it s real deal.
0
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It s the realest, dealest dating show.
0
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And so they try to find it.
0
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They do.
0
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They do.
0
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Okay.
0
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They do.
0
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Okay.
0
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I m sorry.
0
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I m sorry.
0
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I don t have the Canadian secret box.
0
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Into everything I ve worked on.
0
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So when Canada s going into its second season, I m not going to give away what happened, but it already aired and basically farmers did find love.
0
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And the reason why is because, you know, do you know straight people?
0
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Straight women walking around LA parched just for a drop of commitment.
0
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Basically all of these women that have been looking for, you know, a man to watch two movies in a row with, but like all of the ADHD noncommittal men in the city,
0
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are not giving them what they need.
0
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These farmers, here come the farmers that have been hidden in the woods.
0
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They know how to turn a seed into a plant.
0
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They are ready to meet a real life woman or man because in Canada, proudly, it s not just
0
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men.
0
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No, there are women to female farmers that I just I liked the feeling of it.
0
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You know, when there s a bunch of women in high heels standing in a line being like, pick me, Farmer Doug.
0
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It s nice that there was also a bunch of men standing there sweating, being like, please, Farmer Gurleen.
0
SPEAKER_01
The men aren t waiting in line to meet a man, though.
0
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Right.
0
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Guess what s happening next season, honey?
0
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Ooh, don t give it away.
0
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Oh, it s a little taste of next season.
0
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I think we gave it away.
0
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There s a gay male farmer in the next season.
0
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You say that on the show, you re everybody s wingman.
0
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What do you think makes a good wingman or wing woman or wing person?
0
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I think you got to see the possibility.
0
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You got to believe in love.
0
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Okay.
0
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And you got to care about whether your friend s getting f***ed or not.
0
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And I do all those things.
0
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I feel like I am closer and closer to my father who has this idea that like the way things work for me is the way things will work for everyone.
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And because monogamy and marriage has worked for me and been additive for me, I am like, it s the only way.
0
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And so there s a bit, you know, it s nice, I think in the sea that can be rough of dating, it s nice to have someone that s riding next to you on a nice yacht saying like, honey, there will be a boat coming.
0
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Yes.
0
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And have you always been that way?
0
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Or do you think it was it just through your marriage and then seeing the success of these farmers hooking up?
0
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At the risk of making the entire podcast me talking about my dad, which I don t know why this is happening, but I m letting it take over.
0
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My dad met my mom.
0
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He sat outside of the restaurant that she worked at and would write letters home to Pakistan, the original texting, and waited for her to get off work so he could drive her home.
0
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From the second he saw her, he was like, I have to have her.
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And I felt that way when I met Shauna.
0
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I m monogamy forward.
0
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I have a joke about how polyamory makes me feel like the Westboro Baptist Church.
0
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When it comes to being gay, I m like, you don t have to be it to get it, just accept it.
0
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But when my friends talk to me about polyamory, I m like, not
0
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Get your poly eyes off my wifey thighs.
0
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And so do you have any advice for listeners out there who are looking for love?
0
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In fact, I do.
0
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Let s hear it.
0
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I had a feeling you might.
0
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Number one, go for it.
0
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But number two, be yourself.
0
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And so therein lies the problem.
0
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Where is you in the intersection of going for it and be yourself?
0
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What happened to me?
0
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I saw Shauna dancing at a gay girls party called Brownies for My Bitches in San Francisco.
0
SPEAKER_02
I saw her dancing.
0
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I said, she has so many tattoos.
0
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She s so in touch with her body.
0
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I am not dressed well.
0
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And I m nervous.
0
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And so I just kept on trying to stand next to her and find the intersection of go for it.
0
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But I really felt like that Eminem song, my palms are sweaty, mom s spaghetti, there s sweat around my vest already.
0
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I was just like, I can t do this.
0
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I know she s my wife and I need to tell her.
0
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So I just kept standing next to her, sitting next to her.
0
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And finally, she went outside to smoke and I asked my friend for a cigarette and pretended that I smoked.
0
SPEAKER_02
And then I asked her for a light.
0
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And then she... She said, I do.
0
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She was like, oh, she was like, she said, I do.
0
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I will marry you.
0
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I do have a light.
0
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And you re like, oh, right.
0
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Thank you.
0
SPEAKER_01
I do too.
0
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I mean, I don t, but I do, but I don t, but I do.
0
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I don t smoke.
0
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Will you marry me?
0
SPEAKER_01
Go ahead.
0
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What happened?
0
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That s what happened.
0
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It s crazy that you know.
0
SPEAKER_02
No, she said, oh, this person lit my cigarette and then pointed at this butch woman.
0
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And I said, come on.
0
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And then she, the butch lady lit the cigarette.
0
SPEAKER_02
I m coughing through the cigarette, trying to explain to the butch, like with my energy, two butches don t make a right, honey.
0
SPEAKER_02
And I m like, and I m, but I m trying to loudly say interesting things about myself so Shawna can hear.
0
SPEAKER_02
I m like, stand up comedy.
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SPEAKER_02
It s what I do.
0
SPEAKER_01
Oh, you need a consulting producer?
0
SPEAKER_01
I do that too.
0
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Co-EP.
0
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Soon to have a very dry area to store gowns.
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I got a flooded basement in your future.
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But I kind of, she laughed a little bit at things that I said, and then she went inside.
0
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And then I m like on East Coast time, I m there for three days.
0
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This is like the first of the three days.
0
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And so I just tell her at the end of the night, I say, I have a business card that, you know, it looks like a real estate agent, cheesy headshot that says like, writer, actor, comedian, hilarious.
0
SPEAKER_02
And I gave it to her and I said, I ve been trying to tell you all night, I think you re super cute.
0
SPEAKER_02
And I m just in town for like a little bit, which was, that was good.
0
SPEAKER_02
Because I think there s something within this, I m finding a little other piece of advice, which is even though you know that s your wife, you have to pretend like you don t.
0
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You have to pretend a little bit, which if Shana was here, she d say that I didn t do a great job, but I was doing everything I could to be like, I m the most noncommittal woman you ve ever.
0
SPEAKER_02
I m here, I m there, I m on a plane tomorrow, honey.
0
SPEAKER_01
But here is my real estate card.
0
SPEAKER_01
For us to buy a house later.
0
SPEAKER_02
Exactly.
0
SPEAKER_02
If you could give me your social security, we can apply for the mortgage together.
0
SPEAKER_02
I d like us to both be on the title.
0
SPEAKER_02
So then she texted me the next day and then we hung out.
0
SPEAKER_02
We got married.
0
SPEAKER_01
And you hosted a podcast, The Goody Goody, with Sabrina Gillies.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yes, yes, yes.
0
SPEAKER_01
You talked to comedians about their pursuit of happiness and healthiness.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yes, yes, yes.
0
SPEAKER_01
Do you feel like you ve gained any insight from those conversations?
0
SPEAKER_02
Well, one thing on the relationship tip, I think that, and that this spreads to everything, but it is important the way that you, the narrative that you write about your relationship to anything in your head.
0
SPEAKER_02
I highly recommend couples therapy and therapy.
0
SPEAKER_02
For Shana and I, after Wolfie was born, I started going to therapy and then we started doing couples therapy.
0
SPEAKER_02
And it s like, actually feels like this romantic thing.
0
SPEAKER_02
It feels like a check-in that we re doing for us.
0
SPEAKER_02
That s nice.
0
SPEAKER_01
It can be a scary process, but it s also very exciting because it s so fun to get through those really rough times and issues that you bring the darkness into the light, and then you kind of look back at it as this time period that you
0
SPEAKER_01
As a couple, you got through that.
0
SPEAKER_01
You talked your way through it.
0
SPEAKER_02
It s the reward.
0
SPEAKER_02
It s the big reward.
0
SPEAKER_02
It s like bad stuff is bad.
0
SPEAKER_02
Like Shauna and I, we ve been going through our dark night of the soul has been this fertility thing.
0
SPEAKER_02
We made Wolfie.
0
SPEAKER_02
It was easy peasy, lemon squeezy.
0
SPEAKER_02
We were like, OK, well, don t believe the hype.
0
SPEAKER_02
You can make babies easily and then cut to this
0
SPEAKER_02
I guess it s been like four years that we ve been trying to manifest a second baby.
0
SPEAKER_02
And it has not been, it s been miscarriages, it s been embryos not attaching.
0
SPEAKER_02
It s just so painful.
0
SPEAKER_02
And then everything in between where you re just not getting traction.
0
SPEAKER_02
Right now, Shauna is currently nine and a half weeks pregnant.
0
SPEAKER_02
We have a healthy pregnancy in there.
0
SPEAKER_02
What?
0
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
0
SPEAKER_02
We re so excited.
0
SPEAKER_02
And also we have been- Bury the lead.
0
SPEAKER_02
Bury the lead.
0
SPEAKER_02
But also in the grand scheme of things, I was pregnant last year for three and a half months and I lost the baby.
0
SPEAKER_02
So it s hard to just be standing on the solid ground celebrating.
0
SPEAKER_02
But this is a different pregnancy and there s a completely more positive outlook at every step of the way for this pregnancy.
0
SPEAKER_02
So we can celebrate, but all that to say, this painful thing that we ve been through
0
SPEAKER_02
the only reward from it has been our connection being stronger.
0
SPEAKER_02
The only reward from it also is like when you go through this where the tough things that you go through, the only good thing is that it can make you more empathetic to someone else going through it and make you more empathetic towards each other.
0
SPEAKER_02
And not to say that that s been our instinct all the time.
0
SPEAKER_02
We ve been each other s co-pilot through this tornado.
0
SPEAKER_02
And there s obviously been moments where we ve looked at each other being like, well, you re the problem.
0
SPEAKER_01
Well, it s interesting to mention turbulence because that is a great example of you re in something together and it s not your fault.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s, you know, there s weather or pilot error or whatever s going on with a plane and you re just together bumping through it.
0
SPEAKER_01
And so that s a really good thing to remember.
1
SPEAKER_00
I think in life with in those hard times that nobody s doing anything wrong.
1
SPEAKER_00
You re just on a bumpy ride.
1
SPEAKER_01
And the cost of having a plane that withstands it is for both of you to be continuously choosing
1
SPEAKER_01
to stay in the plane.
1
SPEAKER_00
And listen, the plane conversation takes us to this last beat before we get into listener questions.
1
SPEAKER_00
Traveling.
1
SPEAKER_00
OK.
1
SPEAKER_00
I don t know if you know, but I m hosting a new podcast, Handsome, with our mutual friend May Martin.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_00
And Fortune Feimster and both hilarious people.
1
SPEAKER_00
And May told me that you are a master of credit card points, which that s where I tie in the plane.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s really funny because Mae is a master of throwing money down a sewer.
1
SPEAKER_01
actually think my strength as a traveler is a different little cheat, which is this website formerly known as Scott s Cheap Flights.
1
SPEAKER_01
Now it s just called Going.
1
SPEAKER_01
Sign up for their daily email blasts.
1
SPEAKER_01
I pay, I think, 75 bucks a year to get the upgraded tips, which will sometimes be like, we ve gone to Bangkok, first class, $600 return from LA.
1
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
1
SPEAKER_01
In January, we went to Belize, $700 business class return.
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, I m going to just call you to book my vacations.
1
SPEAKER_00
Now, Sabrina, we have a job to do today, and it s to give advice to my listeners.
1
SPEAKER_00
Are you ready to help?
1
SPEAKER_00
I didn t put on this three-piece suit, did not.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
Someone s looking handsome.
1
SPEAKER_00
Handsome.
1
SPEAKER_00
The first listener question, it s a hairy one.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I got this.
1
SPEAKER_00
Nancy writes, one of my very best friends for over 40 years got a terrible haircut last year and decided to get hair extensions to improve her appearance until her real hair grows out.
1
SPEAKER_00
The problem is the extensions look so fake and are not doing her any favors.
1
SPEAKER_00
Do I say something?
1
SPEAKER_01
First of all, this is a full analogy for what I m about to do with a flooded basement.
1
SPEAKER_01
It sounds like a very Sabrina Jolie s problem.
1
SPEAKER_01
Do you tell her that her hair sucks?
1
SPEAKER_01
I think don t.
1
SPEAKER_01
Unless she brings it up.
1
SPEAKER_01
If she brings it up, then you can be like, yeah, I was actually thinking that, you know, if you did this or this, it could look better.
1
SPEAKER_01
But she is in the mud spinning her tires right now.
1
SPEAKER_01
And for you to say, hey, you re splatting mud everywhere and your car is not moving, she d be like, yeah, I know.
1
SPEAKER_00
Or maybe she thinks they look good, in which case... Keep it that way.
1
SPEAKER_00
Let her think she looks great.
1
SPEAKER_00
Why put it in her head that she looks bad because maybe she thinks she looks good.
1
SPEAKER_00
I can t even imagine how many outfits or ways that I slept on my hair that Stephanie could give me really intense criticism over and I just had out in the day like all set.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, and your attitude about it matters.
1
SPEAKER_01
So if you had it in your head that you looked like shit, you might not be taking the swings.
1
SPEAKER_01
Going back to when I met Shauna, I thought I looked good that night.
1
SPEAKER_01
Later on, I found out she did not think I had a good outfit.
1
SPEAKER_01
Because in my mind, I think early on in our love, I was telling the story and I m like, well, good thing I was wearing that bandana like a handkerchief.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, I wear a bandana around my neck.
1
SPEAKER_01
But it was not a good one.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then I also was wearing a sweater vest.
1
SPEAKER_01
But I thought I was having all these accessories and looking really... I don t have a single problem with anything you ve described.
1
SPEAKER_00
And it sounds like I might not be your wife s type.
1
SPEAKER_01
No, I got, that was how I met her and she took me.
1
SPEAKER_01
So she just didn t like the way it all came together.
1
SPEAKER_00
Probably the, maybe it s probably color-based Tig.
1
SPEAKER_00
Isn t it funny when you think you ve like really nailed something and people are like, oh boy, that was rough.
1
SPEAKER_01
But it s important for you to think that you nailed it.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s what matters, right?
1
SPEAKER_01
It s like, I would not, if my friend would have told me when I came to meet my friend to go to that party, like, damn girl, this looks bad.
1
SPEAKER_01
Would I have not talked to Shauna?
1
SPEAKER_00
Maybe.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, Nancy, we all have a bad hair day every once in a while, but a bad hair year is a whole other issue.
1
SPEAKER_00
But I say, leave your friend be.
1
SPEAKER_00
Sabrina,
1
SPEAKER_00
We re going to pause for a moment to hear from our sponsors, then on to more questions.
1
SPEAKER_00
So hold tight.
1
SPEAKER_00
And we re back.
1
SPEAKER_00
Sabrina, our second question is from one of two twin sisters.
1
SPEAKER_00
Mary writes, My twin sister and I turned 30 this October.
1
SPEAKER_00
I will not be able to spend our birthday with her because my partner s brother is getting married that day in a different part of the country.
1
SPEAKER_00
My sister will not forgive me for being away on our birthday, even though I have tried to make plans soon after with her.
1
SPEAKER_00
Even though I make sure to take trips and spend time with her, she cannot seem to come to terms with my partner s place in my life.
1
SPEAKER_00
I can t believe I m saying this, but I fear there is a rift forming between us.
1
SPEAKER_00
How do I stop it?
1
SPEAKER_00
This is complicated.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, but out of the gate, I have to say, I m on Mary s side, because when Mary s calling her person her partner, that means that she s gay.
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, or whoever this person is that Mary is with, it sounds like her primary relationship.
1
SPEAKER_00
And once you have that, and once it moves outside of
1
SPEAKER_00
your girlfriend, your boyfriend, whatever it is that you re dating casually, once you have zeroed in and been like, this is my primary relationship, then it really becomes that.
1
SPEAKER_00
And you have to
1
SPEAKER_00
put a bubble around you and your partner or your spouse, your kids.
1
SPEAKER_00
This is your immediate family, and that s who you have to care for first and consider the feelings and needs of above anyone else s.
1
SPEAKER_00
And once that s handled, then you go out from there.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s my feeling.
1
SPEAKER_00
And you cater to friends or family.
1
SPEAKER_00
in any way that you think is appropriate at that point, but you have to keep your primary relationship or primary family intact.
1
SPEAKER_01
And that goes both ways too for the person s partner.
1
SPEAKER_01
They re considering you in that same way.
1
SPEAKER_01
So Tig, do you have twins?
1
SPEAKER_00
I do.
1
SPEAKER_00
Do you?
1
SPEAKER_00
They re fraternal.
1
SPEAKER_01
They re fraternal, but for you, you are raising them with the knowledge that like
1
SPEAKER_01
the expectations that especially twin siblinghood has needs to be untangled a bit.
1
SPEAKER_01
You don t want your sons to have this same problem when they re 30 and you re raising them to know that, hey, your birthdays are important and you guys are so important to each other.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s such an important relationship, but don t have this delusion that just because you were born on the same day, your birthday wishes are intertwined.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I think that the rift that Mary is so afraid of is probably something that actually is just a normal kind of recalibration that would usually happen with siblings, but because you ve had this special twinhood,
1
SPEAKER_01
There s been this added pressure on both of you guys to satiate this birthday dream when what makes you most comfortable on your birthday, even though it s your 30th, is to go celebrate with your partner at this wedding.
1
SPEAKER_01
There was no part of Mary s question that said, like, oh, I really wish that we were spending it together.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s like, this is where you re at in your life, and you deserve that.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s your birthday too.
1
SPEAKER_00
And things change.
1
SPEAKER_00
And you outgrow certain routines and patterns and traditions and even friendships.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s like sometimes you just grow out of a certain friendship or, you know, I have a very close group of childhood friends and we have spent holidays together forever.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then it s like,
1
SPEAKER_00
I got married, my other friends, they bought a house in Washington, and we re still so close, but things change and shift.
1
SPEAKER_00
And it s a painful time, I m sure, especially for her sister.
1
SPEAKER_00
But it s just, I think, a growth spurt.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yes, and it s healthy.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s a healthy thing.
1
SPEAKER_01
And if your sister has resentments about it, then that growth that comes from this rift will hopefully be healthy.
1
SPEAKER_01
Because the harder she takes it speaks to the deeper sort of stagnation.
1
SPEAKER_01
At 30, maybe the relationship is a little bit stunted.
1
SPEAKER_00
But if both people are on the same page, then it s fine.
1
SPEAKER_00
If you want to spend every birthday together and you re 30 and you re 50 and you re 80, great.
1
SPEAKER_00
And it works for everyone s primary relationship and everyone s lives, then great.
1
SPEAKER_00
But you grow up, things change, and they shift a bit.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I just, I m sorry, I m on, I m fully behind you, Mary.
1
SPEAKER_00
I think Sabrina is too.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I am, you guys will get through this, you will get through it.
1
SPEAKER_00
And it s all because she loves you so much.
1
SPEAKER_00
And it s all because you love her so much.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I think it s just gonna be
1
SPEAKER_00
your sister coming to terms with this.
1
SPEAKER_00
I don t think there s much more you can do.
1
SPEAKER_00
You ve done what you can.
1
SPEAKER_00
Maybe your sister needs to find a friend, relationship, or life that s going to pull her away in some mature, healthy way that it sounds like your life has gone.
1
SPEAKER_00
Best of luck and happy birthday to you and your twin.
1
SPEAKER_00
Happy birthday.
1
SPEAKER_00
That is beautiful.
1
SPEAKER_00
And that s enough.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s beautiful, but that s enough.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay, this next question is about a tricky subject, social media.
1
SPEAKER_00
Victoria writes, for a year now, I ve been dating an aspiring actor.
1
SPEAKER_00
He s sweet, charming, and very conventionally attractive.
1
SPEAKER_00
I love him very much and he says he feels the same.
1
SPEAKER_00
The problem is he uses social media a lot.
1
SPEAKER_00
He used to follow a lot of sexy random girls on Instagram and liked many of their sexy photos.
1
SPEAKER_00
He admitted that he previously had flirtatious relationships with many of them.
1
SPEAKER_00
but all before we started dating and that likes on social media were meaningless to him.
1
SPEAKER_00
I tried to be enlightened but still felt unsafe, so he agreed to stop liking their sexy posts.
1
SPEAKER_00
But some of these women are still regularly liking his posts.
1
SPEAKER_00
Do you think I m overstepping by caring about all of this?
1
SPEAKER_01
My hunch is that either you have trust or you don t have trust.
1
SPEAKER_01
I post on Instagram.
1
SPEAKER_01
I like to put stories up that I like to watch for myself.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s like a sizzle reel of my day and I like it.
1
SPEAKER_01
And meanwhile, Shauna s making fun of me, but there s nothing in there that Shauna s worried about losing me.
1
SPEAKER_01
I think the biggest red flag is that you re dating an aspiring actor, which everybody, you know, like that is a flag.
1
SPEAKER_01
He s aspiring to be an actor.
1
SPEAKER_01
But does he take care of you?
1
SPEAKER_01
Does he make you feel safe?
1
SPEAKER_01
Does he make you feel like you can trust him?
1
SPEAKER_01
Those are bigger green flags that you should either be collecting or suspicious that you don t have in your bouquet of flags.
1
SPEAKER_00
And here s the thing, you can t control what people on Instagram are doing and liking his stuff.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I agree, you have to just trust and you can have those little
1
SPEAKER_00
uncomfortable moments, like it sounds like they had, where she s expressing discomfort of him liking all of these photos.
1
SPEAKER_00
It sounds like they got through that, and now with the girl still liking his stuff, you have to trust him, because anybody in the world can like anything, and your relationship is just between you two.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Also, if you want to add a little really delicious advice that s not that good, but give you answers.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yes, please.
1
SPEAKER_01
Next time he is on Instagram in his DMs section, you can come up with a reason that you re like,
1
SPEAKER_01
Let me just see what you wrote there. 
1
SPEAKER_01
But that s not what you say.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s not what you say, but you just go like, oh, I just want to search for something.
1
SPEAKER_01
My phone s in the other room.
1
SPEAKER_01
And you go towards his phone.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_01
And when you do that, either you re going to get like...
1
SPEAKER_01
like Cinderella s got naked in the broom closet, which is a figure of speech everyone uses, or you re going to get cool, calm, chill Cinderella doesn t care about midnight being up.
1
SPEAKER_01
And that s going to tell you a lot.
1
SPEAKER_01
If you have Cinderella naked in the broom closet, you
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh my gosh, it is such it s so funny.
1
SPEAKER_00
Stephanie and I have had we do this thing to each other on social media where if one of us likes
1
SPEAKER_00
a post by somebody that is annoying or likes a post of somebody who is doing a totally sexy pose or anything, and we see that the other one has liked it, we screen grab it and send it to each other and go, oh, really?
1
SPEAKER_00
You like that?
1
SPEAKER_00
We teased each other, and then we ll talk about it later.
1
SPEAKER_00
Like, oh, did you think that person looked sexy?
1
SPEAKER_00
Or, oh, you truly were laughing at that post.
1
SPEAKER_00
And we just really give each other a hard time.
1
SPEAKER_01
I love that.
1
SPEAKER_01
I hope that once a month you guys do roleplay as the top
1
SPEAKER_00
That s a good idea.
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, Victoria, it sounds like a difficult situation, but I think we helped you, right?
1
SPEAKER_00
It s hard to date an actor.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s why I don t ever admit to being an actor.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, no, that s why actor is the last on the list all the time.
1
SPEAKER_01
You re like, I m a writer.
1
SPEAKER_00
I drain basements.
1
SPEAKER_01
I hang soggy clothes.
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, that s enough of your bragging, Sabrina.
1
SPEAKER_00
All right.
1
SPEAKER_00
You re married.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m married.
1
SPEAKER_00
And this next question is coming from a woman who is thinking about doing the same.
1
SPEAKER_00
Nicole writes,
1
SPEAKER_00
Tig, I m a cis woman.
1
SPEAKER_00
I have a cis girlfriend of like nine years or some nutty number.
1
SPEAKER_00
Should we get married?
1
SPEAKER_00
It still feels like a political move.
1
SPEAKER_00
Why does it still feel like a political move?
1
SPEAKER_00
I mean, we know why it feels like a political move.
1
SPEAKER_00
We ve been proud but private, as we do.
1
SPEAKER_00
We ve had to deal with things like surgeries and power of attorney stuff.
1
SPEAKER_00
Should we just do the thing?
1
SPEAKER_00
How did you decide?
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, I think if you re writing into an advice show to figure out if you should get married, I would say, no, I would hold off.
1
SPEAKER_00
Although I love being married.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m happily married, but like we mentioned earlier, I ve had a lot of bumps and hard times and therapy in my relationship, but I am saying I am happily married.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m glad that I m married.
1
SPEAKER_00
I wouldn t do it any different way.
1
SPEAKER_00
And the way I knew,
1
SPEAKER_00
was because I didn t write in to anywhere.
1
SPEAKER_00
I didn t ask anyone.
1
SPEAKER_00
I was just like, I don t know how to not be married to Stephanie.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh my gosh, this sounds so exciting.
1
SPEAKER_00
And it wasn t a political move.
1
SPEAKER_00
It was solely like, I want to be with her.
1
SPEAKER_01
I want to be... I want to make it so hard for her to leave me.
1
SPEAKER_01
I want to make it like so much paperwork and she hates paperwork.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s how I feel.
1
SPEAKER_01
I want to be together forever and I want a party about it.
1
SPEAKER_01
And part of, I think, grieving when you come out, or when I came out, part of the tough sort of closeted was like me being like, oh my gosh, I m going to have to say goodbye to all these dreams that I had about what my life would look like, whether I could have a family.
1
SPEAKER_01
And it s a beautiful thing that we can do those things now and not, we can t, we shouldn t take it for granted.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s all of that political stuff is true, but
1
SPEAKER_01
but also how wonderful that it s an option if that s something you want to do.
1
SPEAKER_01
I also think the gift of having a gay wedding versus a traditional straight style, normal style, classic vanilla is that you get to put all the toppings that you want into your wedding sundae.
1
SPEAKER_01
You get to do the wedding.
1
SPEAKER_01
Your parents, trust me,
1
SPEAKER_01
unless they re so progressive, which I don t think they are, because you probably would have a more natural flow into the idea of weddings if they were, but my parents weren t like, you have to invite all of the cousins.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s like, no, my parents were like, you keep this secret, which meant I didn t have to have all of these ghosts from Ramadan past floating around the buffet.
1
SPEAKER_01
And do they still want you to keep it secret?
1
SPEAKER_01
No, I came out to my Muslim family after the wedding is when I was like, look, we got to
1
SPEAKER_01
And there was like a whole chapter of Bollywood style drama where it s like, you should have told us we could have converted you back to regular.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s too late now.
1
SPEAKER_01
to regular.
1
SPEAKER_01
They like broke up with me for a bit.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then they were like, let s meet this wife and baby.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
But anyways, the wedding can be exactly the way you want it to be.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s still stressful to put an event together with your wife, which is, I think, another cool rite of passage that weddings introduce is like, here is this level 10 difficult challenge.
1
SPEAKER_01
You re going to each have, it s like
2
SPEAKER_03
a 30-year-old twin birthday here.
2
SPEAKER_03
You each want to feel like the shine is on you.
2
SPEAKER_03
You have different ideas of what that looks like.
2
SPEAKER_03
How are you going to compromise with a budget and a list of people you want to invite?
2
SPEAKER_03
And how are you going to land this plane and party in the cockpit, baby?
2
SPEAKER_02
Well, basically, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
I mean, I think you ve got to just be excited to get married to somebody.
2
SPEAKER_02
And that s what it boils down to.
2
SPEAKER_02
And maybe marriage isn t in their future and marriage doesn t excite them.
2
SPEAKER_03
Or maybe financially, the party part of it makes you feel like, oh, well, we won t be able to do IVF or whatever.
2
SPEAKER_03
Then you can do it all sorts of different ways.
2
SPEAKER_03
But I still think that the decision to commit
2
SPEAKER_03
and fill out paperwork to say, we re doing our taxes together.
2
SPEAKER_03
If that s the way you see your life going, is a positive, good decision.
2
SPEAKER_03
It s a little notch in your belt.
2
SPEAKER_02
Nicole, when you know, you know.
2
SPEAKER_02
Best of luck.
2
SPEAKER_03
You know?
2
SPEAKER_02
You know what I m saying?
2
SPEAKER_02
All right, Sabrina, our last segment is gonna take us back in time.
2
SPEAKER_02
This is Advice of Yesteryear.
2
SPEAKER_04
When Jerry brags about taking Jenny out,
2
SPEAKER_04
He learns that she dates all the boys.
2
SPEAKER_00
So as we see now, menstruation is just one routine step in a normal and natural cycle.
2
SPEAKER_05
How do you choose a date?
2
SPEAKER_05
Well, one thing you can consider is look.
2
SPEAKER_01
I did everything you said, but my boss still hasn t asked me to lunch.
2
SPEAKER_02
On advice of yesteryear, we read a question sent to an advice columnist from long ago, and we tried to give a better response.
2
SPEAKER_02
This question was sent to columnist Beatrice Fairfax in February 1905 from a person who called themselves Lovesick Elle.
2
SPEAKER_02
Lovesick Elle wrote, Dear Ms.
2
SPEAKER_02
Fairfax, I am a telephone girl and very much in love with a voice that I hear quite often over the phone.
2
SPEAKER_02
Would it be proper for me to ask him to call?
2
SPEAKER_02
I must meet him.
2
SPEAKER_02
Sabrina.
2
SPEAKER_03
I mean, this problem is set in an era that I don t really understand any of the mechanics of what s going on.
2
SPEAKER_03
What is she a telephone girl of?
2
SPEAKER_03
I don t know.
2
SPEAKER_03
Can we just say she s a secretary.
2
SPEAKER_03
She s the telephone girl for a company.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, OK.
2
SPEAKER_03
She s taking in all these voices.
2
SPEAKER_03
She hears this voice.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yes, you re right.
2
SPEAKER_03
And hello.
2
SPEAKER_02
You know, it s like earpiece, like you hold the little thing to your ear and you re talking to a speaker.
2
SPEAKER_02
So what do you say?
2
SPEAKER_02
Should lovesick Elle say, give me a holler?
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, you should totally say, hey, I think you re super cute.
2
SPEAKER_02
Your voice is super cute.
2
SPEAKER_03
I think your voice is super cute.
2
SPEAKER_03
Because this isn t FaceTime.
2
SPEAKER_03
No, it s not FaceTime.
2
SPEAKER_03
And then just say the contents of your business card to the person.
2
SPEAKER_03
I am not an actor.
2
SPEAKER_03
I am a telephone girl and I can be reached at the number that you just called or I d love to have a coffee face to face.
2
SPEAKER_03
I have more than just a voice, you see.
2
SPEAKER_02
Well, do you want to hear what the response from Beatrice Fairfax was?
2
SPEAKER_03
I m scared of her yet.
2
SPEAKER_03
Tell me what she said.
2
SPEAKER_02
Her answer was,
2
SPEAKER_02
To decide on a man on his face value is bad enough, but to know nothing of him but his voice and fall in love with him is too good a joke to take seriously.
2
SPEAKER_02
The course which you suggest would make you absolutely ridiculous.
2
SPEAKER_03
Beatrice Fairfax is a, the B stands for b****, honey.
2
SPEAKER_03
Wow, what a devil on the columnist s shoulder.
2
SPEAKER_02
Wow.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, Beatrice is, well, she s since passed, but she was... I killed her.
2
SPEAKER_03
I choked her with her bonnet.
2
SPEAKER_03
I mean, what a bad vibe.
2
SPEAKER_03
I know.
2
SPEAKER_02
She s gone bye bye.
2
SPEAKER_02
But so has this episode.
2
SPEAKER_02
Thank you so much for joining me.
2
SPEAKER_02
Do you have anything you d like to mention or promote?
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, you can.
2
SPEAKER_03
You know where to find me.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m on Instagram posting stories on there.
2
SPEAKER_03
Come find me over there.
2
SPEAKER_03
I ll post about a show if I do it.
2
SPEAKER_03
Not telling you here.
2
SPEAKER_02
All right.
2
SPEAKER_02
Sorry to bother you.
2
SPEAKER_03
It was private.
2
SPEAKER_02
Well, it was a delight seeing your mug and I look forward to seeing you in the flesh again soon.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yes, let s flesh together.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yes, yes.
2
SPEAKER_02
Thank you and goodbye.
2
SPEAKER_02
And adieu.
2
SPEAKER_02
Don t Ask Tig is hosted by me, Tig Notaro.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s produced by Thomas Ouellette and Shana Deloria.
2
SPEAKER_02
Our executive producer and editor is Beth Perlman.
2
SPEAKER_02
Engineering and sound mixing by Alex Simpson.
2
SPEAKER_02
Digital production by James Napoli.
2
SPEAKER_02
Talent booking by Marianne Ways.
2
SPEAKER_02
Production support from Maria Wurtele and Lou Barron.
2
SPEAKER_02
Our theme music is Friend and Tig by Edie Burkell and Kyle Crusham.
2
SPEAKER_02
And Listen to Your Heart by Edie Burkell.
2
SPEAKER_02
Special thanks to Hunter Seidman.
2
SPEAKER_02
APM Studios executives in charge are Chandra Cavati, Alex Schaffert, and Joanne Griffith.
2
SPEAKER_02
Concept developed by Tracy Mumford.
2
SPEAKER_02
Our executive consultant is Dean Capello and Gobsmack Studios.
2
SPEAKER_02
You can always ask for advice at DontAskTig.org.
2
SPEAKER_02
Just write in with your problem or send us a voice memo.
2
SPEAKER_02
Remember to follow us on social media at DontAskTig.
2
SPEAKER_02
DontAskTig is a production of American Public Media.
2
SPEAKER_02
And as always, thanks Dana and I ll tell Becky.
2
SPEAKER_02
Hi, I m stand-up comedian and sex symbol Tig Notaro.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I m actor and writer Sheryl Hines.
2
SPEAKER_02
Before Sheryl and I got into the big business of podcasting together, we were just simply friends.
2
SPEAKER_01
And we re still friends.
2
SPEAKER_01
But now we talk about a different documentary every week on our podcast, Tig and Sheryl, True Story.
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SPEAKER_01
So whether you love documentaries or just want to hear us slowly lose our minds, check out Tig and Sheryl, True Story, wherever you get your podcasts.
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SPEAKER_02
Alright, cool.