0
SPEAKER_01
If your state of gratitude makes total sense, then you will accept, believe, and surrender the thoughts that are equal to that emotional state, and you could actually program your autonomic nervous system to make the pharmacy of chemicals that causes growth and repair to happen in the body.
0
SPEAKER_01
When people understand what they re doing, and they understand why they re doing it, the hell gets easier.
0
SPEAKER_00
Welcome to the School of Greatness.
0
SPEAKER_00
My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur.
0
SPEAKER_00
And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness.
0
SPEAKER_00
Thanks for spending some time with me today.
0
SPEAKER_00
Now let the class begin.
0
SPEAKER_00
Welcome to this special masterclass.
0
SPEAKER_00
We brought some of the top experts in the world to help you unlock the power of your life through this specific theme today.
0
SPEAKER_00
It s going to be powerful, so let s go ahead and dive in.
0
SPEAKER_01
I promise you start giving, start feeling grateful.
0
SPEAKER_01
And then start practicing feeling gratitude.
0
SPEAKER_01
Teach your body, just for 15 minutes a day, what it would like to feel gratitude, what it would be like.
0
SPEAKER_01
And our data shows that you take someone to do that for four days, three times a day, they make a immunoglobulin called immunoglobulin A. It s your body s natural flu shot.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s the greatest immune chemical we have.
0
SPEAKER_01
50% increase in the subjects we studied in four days.
0
SPEAKER_01
Immunoglobulin A, up 50% in four days.
0
SPEAKER_01
Where is that chemistry coming from?
0
SPEAKER_01
They re not taking anything.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s coming from within them, right?
0
SPEAKER_00
No supplements, no injections, no topicals.
0
SPEAKER_01
No, no, no.
0
SPEAKER_01
Just their bodies, their autonomic nervous system is manufacturing
0
SPEAKER_01
A pharmacy of chemicals that s causing an immunity to the body.
0
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
0
SPEAKER_01
Right?
0
SPEAKER_01
So now, a person practices feeling gratitude, okay?
0
SPEAKER_01
What is the emotional signature of gratitude?
0
SPEAKER_01
When you receive something, or you just receive something, when something wonderful happened to you, or something wonderful is happening to you, you feel grateful.
0
SPEAKER_01
So, the emotional signature of gratitude is something just wonderful happened or something is happening to me.
0
SPEAKER_00
Joyful, it s exciting.
0
SPEAKER_01
But you re in a state of receivership.
0
SPEAKER_01
You ve just received something, right?
0
SPEAKER_01
So, the emotional signature of gratitude is received, right?
0
SPEAKER_01
So now, if you re in a state of gratitude that makes total sense, then you will accept, believe, and surrender the thoughts.
0
SPEAKER_01
that are equal to that emotional state.
0
SPEAKER_01
And you could actually program your autonomic nervous system to make the pharmacy of chemicals that causes growth and repair to happen in the body.
0
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
0
SPEAKER_01
And that s exactly what we re discovering.
0
SPEAKER_01
So then when people understand what they re doing,
0
SPEAKER_01
and they understand why they re doing it, the how gets easier.
0
SPEAKER_01
So you can assign meaning to the task and switch on the prefrontal cortex and when you switch on that prefrontal cortex, it wants to get an outcome.
0
SPEAKER_01
It doesn t want to mess around, it wants the outcome.
0
SPEAKER_01
You re doing it for the outcome and that s kind of a strong intention and a change in energy or an emotional state and that s changing your state of being.
0
SPEAKER_01
And when you change your state of being like that every day, get ready because you re going to start having synchronicities and opportunities and coincidences and weird things start happening in your life to prove to you that you re actually the creator of your life instead of the victim of your life.
0
SPEAKER_00
Absolutely.
0
SPEAKER_00
Gosh, there s so much I want to unpack here.
0
SPEAKER_00
One of them is,
0
SPEAKER_00
You mentioned something around 75 to 90% of people go into the doctor s office, and it s based on an emotional imbalance that probably causes or influences them to be there, right?
0
SPEAKER_00
They might feel physical pain, but it s based on an emotional state that they ve been in for a long time that gets them there.
0
SPEAKER_01
And a host of bad choices that may go with that.
0
SPEAKER_00
A lot of things, yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
But a lot of it is emotional as a baseline.
0
SPEAKER_00
That s exactly correct.
0
SPEAKER_00
You talked about frequency, we talked about emotional signatures, and we talked about identity and personality.
0
SPEAKER_00
When I went to your advanced seven-day experience, when I went there you had an entire, I don t know, probably a few hour explanation about frequencies and energies.
0
SPEAKER_00
The highest level frequency where we could be at to allow us to feel more abundant and peaceful and have balance and harmony to lower level frequencies that are going to cause us to feel more stress and anger and
0
SPEAKER_00
you know, feel like we re in constant breakdown, right?
0
SPEAKER_00
And the higher the frequency we get to, the more conscious we are, the lower the frequency, the more unconscious we are.
0
SPEAKER_00
Essentially, I m paraphrasing, you know, hours of research and science that you teach during this.
0
SPEAKER_00
What is the lowest level of emotion that will keep us stuck in a non-receivership, a non-abundant mentality and state, and a place of pain, versus the highest level of emotion that we can be in more frequently, that ll allow us to feel more peace and harmony in our health, but also in our life?
0
SPEAKER_00
What are those two opposite emotions?
0
SPEAKER_01
Okay, I just want to finish the last thought about physical, chemical, and emotional stress, and then I want to answer that.
0
SPEAKER_01
If you re truly interested then in sustaining homeostasis and balance, then you re going to have to self-regulate.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
0
SPEAKER_01
And it would be wonderful.
0
SPEAKER_01
And we re working, we have this new program called the Inner Health Coalition because we ve had so many doctors, so many researchers, so many healthcare providers come through our events.
0
SPEAKER_01
Many of them heal themselves from all kinds of health conditions, from spinal cord injuries to stage four cancers.
0
SPEAKER_01
that really just want to really look to see how this model could actually fit in their clinic and there s got to be a different conversation that can happen around health because chronic health conditions are created from a lifestyle and if you don t change your lifestyle nothing is going to change because nothing changes in our life until we change.
0
SPEAKER_01
So then
0
SPEAKER_01
If then you would go to a practitioner where you could actually practice brain and heart coherence, which is our formula.
0
SPEAKER_01
Get your brain feeling those elevated emotions, sorry, get your heart feeling those elevated emotions and then get your brain coherent and do the exercises to get your
0
SPEAKER_01
brain and body back into regulation, into homeostasis.
0
SPEAKER_01
And then the key element is not that you react.
0
SPEAKER_01
I mean, who doesn t react?
0
SPEAKER_01
The question is... You re perfect, Dr. Joe.
0
SPEAKER_01
You never react, right?
0
SPEAKER_01
The question is, how long?
0
SPEAKER_01
Right.
0
SPEAKER_01
How long are you going to do that for?
0
SPEAKER_01
I mean, if you keep it going on, then there must be an addiction because an addiction is something you think you can t stop.
0
SPEAKER_01
Or knowing something isn t good for you and you do it anyway.
0
SPEAKER_01
That s when you know you re addicted, right?
0
SPEAKER_01
So then get the patient.
0
SPEAKER_01
to really work on the emotional states that are keeping them and their body in the past.
0
SPEAKER_00
It s so hard for people, I feel like, right?
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, because up until recently, there haven t been a whole lot of scientifically proven formulas or ways to teach people how to do that.
0
SPEAKER_01
People, by nature, want to get over their emotional state.
0
SPEAKER_01
They ve just been hypnotized, they ve been programmed, they ve been conditioned into using something outside of them
0
SPEAKER_01
to take away this feeling inside of them.
0
SPEAKER_01
To numb the pain.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, it s nothing wrong.
0
SPEAKER_01
Distract, numb.
0
SPEAKER_01
But you could, you know, you could go watch a movie or, you know, you could do this, you can do that, you can do all these different things, go out to dinner, just to make the feeling away.
0
SPEAKER_01
But the problem is the feeling always comes back.
0
SPEAKER_01
Right.
0
SPEAKER_01
And so now when the person reaches that point where they re saying nothing s making this feeling go away, this is game time.
0
SPEAKER_01
This is where the person s not
0
SPEAKER_01
responding to texts any longer, they don t want to go to dinner with the same people, they don t want to do the same things, they don t want to watch the same TV show, they don t want to get on the computer any longer.
0
SPEAKER_01
This feeling is disturbing.
0
SPEAKER_01
Nothing s making it, no drug, no shopping spree, no sports corner, nothing s making this feeling go away.
0
SPEAKER_01
This is a key moment, right?
0
SPEAKER_01
Because now the person s going to start to realize that no one or nothing in their life is going to make this feeling go away but them.
0
SPEAKER_01
Right.
0
SPEAKER_01
And this is the key moment.
0
SPEAKER_01
This is where the person really decides to change.
0
SPEAKER_01
Because they can see themselves for the first time because they no longer feel like themselves.
0
SPEAKER_01
They re no longer distracted by that.
0
SPEAKER_01
They can see how they think.
0
SPEAKER_01
They can notice how they ve been acting and decide, oh my God, I don t want to do that anymore.
0
SPEAKER_01
The choices they ve made, or the experiences they just want to no longer do, and the feelings that they no longer want to feel, right?
0
SPEAKER_01
And they start breaking their emotional agreements with everybody and everything in their life.
0
SPEAKER_01
People really get worried because they re no longer predictable.
0
SPEAKER_01
They re not showing up as the memory of themselves, right?
0
SPEAKER_01
So what do you do?
0
SPEAKER_01
You medicate them, the person s depressed, you know, their midlife crisis, but really it s the soul saying, um, there s a future and you may not know what it is, but you can t go back to that.
0
SPEAKER_01
You just can t go back any longer.
0
SPEAKER_01
You can t, you already know, you can predict everything that s going to happen.
0
SPEAKER_01
You got to start, you got to start saying no, or you got to start looking deeper.
1
SPEAKER_00
you got to start changing.
1
SPEAKER_00
And this is where it s so important for people then to understand that this is not a bad thing.
1
SPEAKER_00
This is actually a good thing.
1
SPEAKER_00
It just doesn t feel good any longer because you re ready to change, right?
1
SPEAKER_00
So this is what we should be naturally doing.
1
SPEAKER_00
So when the person says, oh my god,
1
SPEAKER_00
I want to feel something else in my life than this.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m going to watch how I respond to my co-worker.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m going to watch how I respond to my own thoughts.
1
SPEAKER_00
When did I default today and return back to the old self?
1
SPEAKER_00
And they get really serious about looking closely at how they can change the way they think, act, and feel.
1
SPEAKER_00
And we have so many testimonials of people that were diagnosed with chronic health conditions and they got themselves in their meditations back into elevated emotional states and changed their energy and changed their frequency.
1
SPEAKER_00
We ll get to that.
1
SPEAKER_00
But then they get up from their meditation and they spend the next 15 hours
1
SPEAKER_00
and fear and frustration.
1
SPEAKER_00
Why is that though?
1
SPEAKER_00
Because they went unconscious, they defaulted.
1
SPEAKER_00
So you got to get so good at doing it with your eyes closed, you got to start doing it with your eyes open.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh man.
1
SPEAKER_00
And that s the big game.
1
SPEAKER_00
That is the game.
1
SPEAKER_00
That is the game.
1
SPEAKER_00
That is the game, right?
1
SPEAKER_00
Because this is the plane of demonstration.
1
SPEAKER_00
You got to demonstrate.
1
SPEAKER_00
So that s why the walking meditations are so important in our work, because you ve got to walk as it.
1
SPEAKER_00
If you re going to be relaxed in your heart and awake in your brain, you better do it with your eyes open.
1
SPEAKER_00
So let s practice with our eyes open.
1
SPEAKER_00
No other way to do it.
1
SPEAKER_00
You want to get so good at it that you can do it in the most adverse situations.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s you know when you own it, right?
1
SPEAKER_00
So then the person then realized,
1
SPEAKER_00
that she had to watch her response to her ex, she had to watch her response to her bank account, she had to watch her response to the news.
1
SPEAKER_00
All of those things she didn t, no drug, no surgery, no chemo, no radiation, no diet, no supplements were taking her health condition away until she realized I had to change, right?
1
SPEAKER_00
So
1
SPEAKER_00
Now she noticed doing her meditations, her pain levels went down, she knew she was sleeping better, she knew she had more energy, but her values for that health condition were still the same.
1
SPEAKER_00
And she said, it s not that this doesn t work.
1
SPEAKER_00
She wasn t doing her meditations any longer to heal.
1
SPEAKER_00
She was doing her meditations to change.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so then she d say, okay, what do I want to believe today?
1
SPEAKER_00
What thought do I want to fire and wire in my brain?
1
SPEAKER_00
Let me remember it.
1
SPEAKER_00
I keep remembering so I don t forget to think this way.
1
SPEAKER_00
And a belief is just a thought you keep thinking over and over again.
1
SPEAKER_00
So she wanted to hardwire that in her brain.
1
SPEAKER_00
She wanted that to be a new voice in her head.
1
SPEAKER_00
Because thoughts that wire together.
1
SPEAKER_00
Fire together and wire together, right?
1
SPEAKER_00
So then how am I going to behave?
1
SPEAKER_00
closing your eyes and rehearsing how you re going to be with your acts and literally think there s got to be another way to be.
1
SPEAKER_00
I can t respond the way I have responded.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s only weakening me.
1
SPEAKER_00
I ve got to change my state.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay, I m going to be loving.
1
SPEAKER_00
We rehearse it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Mental rehearsal, we keep doing it, rehearsing yourself in the scene, planning your behaviors, your brain will look like you already did it.
1
SPEAKER_00
And if you keep doing it, it s going to become more automatic.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s going to become like a software program.
1
SPEAKER_00
So the brain looks like the experience has already happened.
1
SPEAKER_00
And now you have hardware and software in place to use when you re with your ex, because you installed it, right?
1
SPEAKER_00
So now you re doing the meditation to remind yourself who you no longer want to be and remind yourself who you do want to be.
1
SPEAKER_00
So now, OK, the person now behaves that way.
1
SPEAKER_00
And now her response to her ex is different.
1
SPEAKER_00
Evolution that day.
1
SPEAKER_00
And the body s no longer brought back to the past and she does it once and she wants to do it again She wants to get better at it and she starts healing and she says I got to stay in this emotional state I don t care who it is or what it is.
1
SPEAKER_00
Let me close my eyes I m gonna feel this emotion a hundred times if I have to Just so that I can feel it so many times that I can bring it up whenever I want now They re becoming familiar with a new state of being right and when you feel the emotion
1
SPEAKER_00
of your future before it happens, you ll always believe in that future.
1
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
1
SPEAKER_00
And if you feel the emotion that keeps you connecting in your past, you ll believe in your past.
1
SPEAKER_00
And that s just the way it is.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then you return back to the same self, your same biology, thinking the same thoughts, making the same choices, doing the same things, creating the same experiences, feeling the same emotions in your biology, your neurocircuitry, your neurochemistry, your hormones, your gene expression all stays the same because you just return back to the same.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
So we said seven days,
1
SPEAKER_00
Taking a group of people is what I said to the scientists at University of California, San Diego.
1
SPEAKER_00
Seven days.
1
SPEAKER_00
The biology stays the same, and they all agreed.
1
SPEAKER_00
I said, give people new information.
1
SPEAKER_00
Combine quantum physics with neuroscience, with neuroendocrinology, with psychoneuroimmunology, with epigenetics, with electromagnetism.
1
SPEAKER_00
Build models of understanding.
1
SPEAKER_00
Get people to learn new information.
1
SPEAKER_00
They re going to have new thoughts.
1
SPEAKER_00
Now, give them the instruction so they can make a new choice.
1
SPEAKER_00
They can do a new thing.
1
SPEAKER_00
They can create a new experience.
1
SPEAKER_00
They can feel a new emotion.
1
SPEAKER_00
Will their biology change in seven days?
1
SPEAKER_00
Lo and behold, it changed way greater than we ever expected.
1
SPEAKER_00
Novice meditators, people who never came to a week-long event, never really meditated that much, the novice meditators.
1
SPEAKER_00
Seven days, their biology at the end of seven days looked like they were living in a whole new life.
1
SPEAKER_00
And it wasn t 20% or 10%, it was the majority of the collective.
1
SPEAKER_00
Now, all of those people have different genomes, different genotypes, and they re all different cultures, different races, different ages.
1
SPEAKER_00
But when we look at the biology of gene expression,
1
SPEAKER_00
They are signaling the same genes, they are making the same proteins.
1
SPEAKER_00
The collective, the herd, the flock, the school of fish, there is an emergent biology that is changing.
1
SPEAKER_00
Collectively, the probability of that happening is insanely minimal.
1
SPEAKER_00
Let me just say that.
1
SPEAKER_00
So then think differently, make a different choice, do a different thing, create a new experience, feel a new emotion, keep doing that, your biology will change.
1
SPEAKER_00
And that s exactly how people heal.
1
SPEAKER_00
So the emotions that keep us, I would say, in our more limited animal, a million human state,
1
SPEAKER_00
have everything to do with anger, and aggression, fear, and anxiety, and suffering, and pain, and guilt, and shame, and, you know, our resentment.
1
SPEAKER_00
All of those, those are, think of energy as emotion.
1
SPEAKER_00
So those emotions should ultimately be retired as wisdom.
1
SPEAKER_00
Because the memory without the emotional charge is wisdom and now the game is over and you re ready for a new experience and you can t go to the future holding on to the emotion of the past, right?
1
SPEAKER_00
So you ve got to overcome that emotional state.
1
SPEAKER_00
So then you start feeling gratitude, you start feeling more gratitude, you start feeling love, you start feeling more love, you start feeling kindness, you start feeling care.
1
SPEAKER_00
You start feeling appreciation, you start feeling creative, you start feeling inspired, you practice feeling those emotions and you get that heart of yours back into balance.
1
SPEAKER_00
We discovered that once energy makes it to the heart, it s going right to the brain and it s going to go straight up and it s going to tell the brain in that moment the heart is the creative center, it s safe to create.
1
SPEAKER_00
And the person moves out of survival and the brain like grabbing a big sheet.
1
SPEAKER_00
and going like that creates a wave of energy right to the brain, coherent energy of the brain and the brain goes into a creative alpha state and the brain is getting information, the heart is informing the brain, think of something new, think of a new possibility, it s a creative state and the person starts seeing pictures and images.
1
SPEAKER_00
Keep sustaining that relaxed in your heart, awake in your brain.
1
SPEAKER_00
You see how long people can hang with that.
1
SPEAKER_00
We got the brain and heart hooked up together.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then here it comes.
1
SPEAKER_00
You start seeing resonance taking place.
1
SPEAKER_00
There s waves, riding waves, and faster waves building on waves.
1
SPEAKER_00
So delta, the base, is carrying theta, but it s a harmonic, and theta s carrying alpha, and alpha s carrying beta, and beta s carrying high beta, and high beta s going in the gamma, and when that occurs,
1
SPEAKER_00
person is feeling ecstasy.
1
SPEAKER_00
There s an arousal, an arousal taking place in the nervous system, but the arousal isn t fear.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s not fear.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s not anger.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s not pain.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s typically what creates an arousal.
1
SPEAKER_00
The arousal is ecstasy.
1
SPEAKER_00
So the person is feeling wholeness.
1
SPEAKER_00
They re feeling connected.
1
SPEAKER_00
They re feeling aware.
1
SPEAKER_00
They re super conscious.
1
SPEAKER_00
The brain is no longer in discoherence.
1
SPEAKER_00
The brain is in resonance.
1
SPEAKER_00
There s waves carrying waves.
1
SPEAKER_00
There s harmonics.
1
SPEAKER_00
There s order within order.
1
SPEAKER_00
patterns within patterns nested observer windows the brain is functioning mathematically and So you see that happening and you ask the person from their subjective experience.
1
SPEAKER_00
How did that feel?
1
SPEAKER_00
They say I felt so whole I felt such bliss.
1
SPEAKER_00
I felt such connection.
1
SPEAKER_00
I felt such pure love I no longer wanted anything.
1
SPEAKER_00
I know it s impossible to want I
1
SPEAKER_00
when you re in that state.
2
SPEAKER_00
that future and that s exactly what we discovered at the end of seven days.
2
SPEAKER_00
People move into that state and they re making thousands of metabolites.
2
SPEAKER_00
Information is in their blood at the end of seven days that wasn t there before and they re not taking any exogenous substance.
2
SPEAKER_00
They re not changing their diet.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s coming from within them.
2
SPEAKER_00
So then, the person who starts feeling wholeness, it gets very difficult to describe those emotions.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s inevitable.
2
SPEAKER_00
I mean, we ask people, what was it?
2
SPEAKER_00
And they just well up in tears and they say,
2
SPEAKER_00
I don t know, it s the most familiar, unfamiliar feeling I ve ever had.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like I m remembering what I forgot, like I forgot that I m this.
2
SPEAKER_00
I am pure love.
2
SPEAKER_00
I am this, you know.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I think when we have those experiences, at least when I ve had those experiences,
2
SPEAKER_00
I think the takeaway is that it didn t come from out there, from anyone or anything.
2
SPEAKER_00
It came from within me.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I think that s the real fundamental moment where people stop looking outside of them.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s always been within them.
2
SPEAKER_00
And that relationship that they develop, okay, yeah, we all take hard knocks during our lives, and we all have stressors in our life, and we re all trying to do as much as we can, you know, walk the tightrope.
2
SPEAKER_00
But a person who every single day says, I m not going to get up.
2
SPEAKER_00
from my meditation until I absolutely feel like I m that person.
2
SPEAKER_00
Man, it s a very different game because people say, why do you do your meditations in the morning?
2
SPEAKER_00
I say, because if I can overcome me, the rest of my day is easy.
2
SPEAKER_01
So, you know, on the path that I ve kind of chosen, you know, it s been interesting living in this atmosphere that is so kind of inundated with that vibe, but then trying to see through it and honor yourself.
2
SPEAKER_01
and do what s good for you, what s healthy for you and your family.
2
SPEAKER_01
A son helps, kids help.
2
SPEAKER_01
It keeps you grounded and humble, because they don t really care who you are, how cute you look.
2
SPEAKER_01
You know what I mean?
2
SPEAKER_01
You can have really fresh Jordans and a nice ride, but if they have a fit in the middle of Whole Foods, they don t really give a. So that s cool.
2
SPEAKER_01
So they help, but you know, I ll be in the movie theater
2
SPEAKER_01
I ll be looking at the next Anthony, oh, he s another one too, really, really good.
2
SPEAKER_01
Anthony Mackie film, and I ll have that little twinge of, oh, should I be on this poster?
2
SPEAKER_01
And are people thinking I m not relevant, because I m on a TV show?
2
SPEAKER_01
But then I have to tell myself I m happy.
2
SPEAKER_01
Would I be happy being the next black Spider-Man or whatever?
2
SPEAKER_01
Maybe, but that s months away from the kid, and my bones, my knees, I don t know if I can do all those stunts.
2
SPEAKER_01
You know, it s a young man s game.
2
SPEAKER_01
And you know, it s tough to do all that and then try to give back, you know what I mean?
2
SPEAKER_01
For me.
2
SPEAKER_01
So, you know, that s probably the struggle, because there s still that little,
2
SPEAKER_01
There s still that young Taye Diggs, that fighter, you know, the flame in my eye that still wants to, you know, I still want to get an Oscar.
2
SPEAKER_01
I still love the publicity and whatnot.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I guess that s probably the biggest challenge is keeping myself grounded, realizing what is real.
2
SPEAKER_01
Do you know what I mean?
2
SPEAKER_01
Because if you let that stuff
2
SPEAKER_01
take you over.
2
SPEAKER_01
The hype.
2
SPEAKER_01
It will take you over.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I don t want to.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s unfulfilling probably.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, man.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
At the end of the day.
2
SPEAKER_01
Um, you know, my son, he fulfills me.
2
SPEAKER_01
I mean, you know, reading it sounds so corny.
2
SPEAKER_01
But you know, being in being the lead of a movie is great.
2
SPEAKER_01
But uh, but you know, when you read read to children and you re affecting lives like that,
2
SPEAKER_01
that doesn t go away.
2
SPEAKER_01
You know what I mean?
2
SPEAKER_01
Kids, like if I had written Where the Wild Things Are, do you know what I mean?
2
SPEAKER_01
That doesn t go away.
2
SPEAKER_01
People will forget if I m Spider-Man.
2
SPEAKER_01
No matter how much the opening weekend is, people forget real quick, too quick.
2
SPEAKER_01
Do you know what I mean?
2
SPEAKER_02
Especially if you haven t done anything in two, three years.
2
SPEAKER_01
Do you know what I mean?
2
SPEAKER_01
And it s really not fair.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s really not fair, especially as an African American actor.
2
SPEAKER_01
People are making history, and it s just getting overlooked.
2
SPEAKER_01
Do you know what I mean?
2
SPEAKER_01
So, I m cool.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m cool.
2
SPEAKER_02
What s the biggest fear for you moving forward in life and your career?
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh, it s just my son s health.
2
SPEAKER_01
When you have a child, it s the most vulnerable thing.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, it s crazy.
2
SPEAKER_01
So, you know, I just try to put that out of my head and just stay positive.
2
SPEAKER_01
Because if I think about what my life would be without him or if something awful happened to him, I don t even know.
2
SPEAKER_01
So that s an easy question to answer.
2
SPEAKER_02
Because you really don t have control or something.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m choosing to believe I do.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m willing it so, but at the end of the day, you know, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I just try to stay positive and keep them in my prayers.
2
SPEAKER_02
I hear you.
2
SPEAKER_02
I mean, you re around a lot of actors all the time.
2
SPEAKER_02
Do you feel like self-love is something that actors need more of?
2
100%.
2
SPEAKER_01
I think the world needs more of it.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, yeah.
2
100%.
2
SPEAKER_02
What do you think, how do you practice self-love yourself and how would you give back to people listening who are maybe struggling or trying to figure out their worth in the world, whether it be in a relationship, career, anything?
2
SPEAKER_02
What s some ways you can practice?
2
SPEAKER_02
What s not building your ego too much, but it s like the fulfilling self-love, you know?
2
SPEAKER_01
Sure, sure.
2
SPEAKER_01
I think it manifests itself differently in different people.
2
SPEAKER_01
You know, like for me,
2
SPEAKER_01
With talent, you know, I didn t have an issue because people were always there telling me how that I had something You know it had to deal with for me Deserving the pretty girl or or deserving to be in a conversation, you know So I think at the end of the day, you know
2
SPEAKER_01
It s tough, man.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s one of the hardest, I think it could be one of the hardest things to do, which is just convince yourself that you are worth it, just you who you are, and not comparing yourself or putting yourself in a context.
2
SPEAKER_01
Because it s so easy to say, oh, am I as intelligent as this person?
2
SPEAKER_01
And then looking at what you have
2
SPEAKER_01
you know, to offer in terms of intelligence because it s not about that because that can easily be taken away or you cannot have it.
2
SPEAKER_01
So you have to find who you are as a person regardless of everything else and everyone else around you and just be cool with that and let that power you so that no matter
2
SPEAKER_01
how great, how handsome, how talented, no matter how whatever it is you are, you consider yourself more than enough.
2
SPEAKER_01
And in this world that s based on all of that other, it s really tough to do.
2
SPEAKER_01
Because we re here and the first thing we ask ourselves, what do I have to offer?
2
SPEAKER_01
What makes me different?
2
SPEAKER_01
What makes me special?
2
SPEAKER_01
So that s where I think the difficulty comes in.
2
SPEAKER_02
Do you have a practice that you do like every morning to help you get ready for the day or a ritual or routine?
2
SPEAKER_01
Yes, I do.
2
SPEAKER_01
It just changes every three days.
2
SPEAKER_01
You know what I mean?
2
SPEAKER_01
Because I m still on that tip of what works.
2
SPEAKER_01
So if I like meditate for 20 minutes, then I have a great day.
2
SPEAKER_01
For the next week, I ll meditate, and then until I have a sucky day, and then I ll try some milk.
2
SPEAKER_01
Sure, sure.
2
SPEAKER_01
But it s tough to not be result-oriented, growing up an actor and dealing with sports.
2
SPEAKER_01
But for me, it s having a practice, and something that kind of forces you to be outside yourself.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then realize that there s something more.
2
SPEAKER_01
I think whatever that is, I feel like you re pretty good if you can focus on that.
2
SPEAKER_01
That being one of the things.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then afterwards, then actually focusing on yourself.
2
SPEAKER_01
so that you can allow yourself to focus more on other people.
2
SPEAKER_01
You know what I mean?
2
SPEAKER_01
Sure, sure, sure.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s tough, man.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s tough.
2
SPEAKER_01
This cycle of life is the most difficult just because I m the most aware and at the same time, you know, with being
3
SPEAKER_01
being split and a divorce and a single father, I have the most, I ve got a full plate.
3
SPEAKER_01
So every once in a while I ll feel sorry for myself just because I just feel like I m working constantly trying to be a good person, trying to be a good father.
3
SPEAKER_01
trying to take the high road, you know, trying to be more mindful, trying to be more forgiving.
3
SPEAKER_01
And sometimes I want to say, let me, I mean, sometimes I do.
3
SPEAKER_01
I just came from Vegas.
3
SPEAKER_01
You set up that whole weekend.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I was pretty unmindful.
3
SPEAKER_01
Sure, sure.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know what I mean?
3
SPEAKER_01
But I can t wait till I get to the point where, you know, I don t have to binge, you know, where I can just, it can just be life.
3
SPEAKER_01
And that can just be where I chill out as opposed to...
3
SPEAKER_01
kind of winding it up, winding it up, and then feeling like I have to unwind to the point where it s alcohol and girls and dancing and clubs.
3
SPEAKER_01
I still got a little bit of that in me.
3
SPEAKER_01
So you got that young Taye Diggs in you.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know, because I never, it s so many things, I never got to do that as a young man.
3
SPEAKER_01
I grew up really religious and then came into success quick and then got married quick.
3
SPEAKER_01
Working all the time, just focused.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know what I mean?
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then was really judgmental with
3
SPEAKER_01
you know, oh, these people, you re a bad person if you do this.
3
SPEAKER_01
And slowly I started to open up my eyes and started to experiment with stuff.
3
SPEAKER_01
And you know, clubs are fun.
3
SPEAKER_01
It can be fun, you know what I mean?
3
SPEAKER_01
Girls can be fun.
3
SPEAKER_01
So you know, I m coming off that train now, but every once in a while it s still fun to just go a little crazy.
3
SPEAKER_01
Sure.
3
SPEAKER_02
What are the non-negotiables for you?
3
SPEAKER_02
Like every day that you re like, I have to do this every day no matter what, or I m gonna,
3
SPEAKER_02
Maybe it s not meditate, but I m gonna eat a certain way.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m going to think a certain thing It s one of those things.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s neither working out.
3
SPEAKER_01
Well, you know what to be honest It s it s I forced myself to think of others and kind of walk walk a path of of trying to to
3
SPEAKER_01
to love, you know what I mean?
3
SPEAKER_01
As corny as that sounds, trying empathy, you know what I mean?
3
SPEAKER_01
Empathy is what it is.
3
SPEAKER_01
Every day I m forcing myself to try to see if somebody rubs me the wrong way, if somebody does something, whether it be to me or to someone else, or if someone comes to me and asks some advice, you know, I force myself to try
3
SPEAKER_01
you know, to say something that will kind of throw a positive spin on something and not go the negative route.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know, I feel good about that.
3
SPEAKER_01
I feel good about myself, yeah, when it comes to that.
3
SPEAKER_01
That s something that I m pretty diligent in, I think, doing.
3
SPEAKER_02
There s a lot of young actors and people, writers, people in the entertainment world that I know listen to this.
3
SPEAKER_02
If you could say that there s like, the mistakes that a lot of actors make, and the things that they do well, what would be like the top two or three things that you think, if you re a young actor, writer, trying to make it in this world,
3
SPEAKER_02
What should they really be focusing on?
3
SPEAKER_02
And what is holding them back that you see?
3
SPEAKER_02
You know what?
3
SPEAKER_01
I was thinking of writing a book that was kind of grounded in humor that has to do with what is gonna be like the actor s handbook to becoming famous.
3
SPEAKER_01
Because it s a cliche.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s like there s a young person who s got all this talent.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know, maybe they start out doing plays, then they do a play, they win an award, then they get the card to come to Hollywood, you know, then they do the whole Hollywood thing and it really, you know, chews them up.
3
SPEAKER_01
They date a celebrity lady, get married, the drugs, the strip clubs, the this, the that, and then they fall out, go to rehab, and then pick this role and get nominated for an Oscar.
3
SPEAKER_01
So part of me thinks,
3
SPEAKER_01
That it s pretty, you know, you just need to stay grounded and to keep focused and to kind of not fall prey.
3
SPEAKER_01
Have someone have your back, you know what I mean?
3
SPEAKER_01
But then, you know, but then you don t get, you know, sometimes I think you need to get roughed up.
3
SPEAKER_01
You need experiences so that things mean something.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know, like all the that I ve been through,
3
SPEAKER_01
I ve been through it, so now I know.
3
SPEAKER_01
For a minute, I was living a great life.
3
SPEAKER_01
I thought I was a good person and kind, but I didn t know.
3
SPEAKER_01
I didn t know what people meant.
3
SPEAKER_01
I didn t know what it was like to struggle to a certain extent.
3
SPEAKER_01
Until I did, the world didn t open up.
3
SPEAKER_01
You need experiences.
3
SPEAKER_01
no matter what.
3
SPEAKER_01
I m not telling everybody to get addicted to drugs and spend $100,000 at a strip club.
3
SPEAKER_01
But everybody has their own kind of path.
3
SPEAKER_01
So I don t want people to end up killing themselves, but I think it s good that people experience some friction.
3
SPEAKER_02
What does that mean, that they should just be constantly going out and putting themselves out to bigger roles and bigger opportunities and failing essentially or getting said no to?
3
SPEAKER_01
I think people should follow their instincts.
3
SPEAKER_01
I truly do.
3
SPEAKER_01
I could sit here and say, be focused and stay out of trouble.
3
SPEAKER_01
I think at a young age, if people can realize that there s something outside of themselves, that there s a greater energy, I don t think it can go wrong there.
3
SPEAKER_01
But people living their lives and having their own experiences, I think it bodes well for them.
3
SPEAKER_01
Being selfish, all of that,
3
SPEAKER_01
You know, thinking of others, you know what I mean?
3
SPEAKER_01
Do you, do you, but think of others and just go for it, go hard.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
Tiff wanted me to ask you a question and she said, what was it like to work with... I m not answering Tiff.
3
SPEAKER_01
Do you know Tiffany?
3
SPEAKER_01
She don t know me.
3
SPEAKER_02
In private practice, you worked with Shonda Rhimes, right?
3
SPEAKER_02
And she s a big fan of hers.
3
SPEAKER_02
She s reading her book right now.
3
SPEAKER_02
So are you me too?
3
SPEAKER_03
She wanted to know something about yes There s something that what is it the year the year?
3
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_03
She wanted to know what was it like working with her?
3
SPEAKER_03
She s it s a big inspiration for her in the in the entertainment world.
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh, man.
3
SPEAKER_03
Well, that was one.
3
SPEAKER_01
Um, I
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I had my kid when I was on his show.
3
SPEAKER_01
That was a time in my life, time and time again, I feel like I ve been blessed.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then the thing about this, being human, being an actor, being in LA,
3
SPEAKER_01
Really, really amazing things can happen to you and then you can forget and then have fear and doubt.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I swear to God, actors have the, you know, we have the shortest just memories.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know, things can be so, so bad, you know, and then we can say, all I need is this job.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know, once I get this gig and once I get this card, I ll be fine.
3
SPEAKER_01
Then we get the gig in the car and we re just complaining about what it s like to be in that car and in that gig.
3
SPEAKER_01
Really?
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, man.
3
SPEAKER_01
I mean, actors are awful.
3
SPEAKER_01
We re awful people.
3
SPEAKER_01
OK.
3
SPEAKER_01
We re so, you know, we want for free.
3
SPEAKER_01
And if the car s not here at the minute and the cable s not, I mean, you know, if I m not on this magazine color and oh, dude.
3
SPEAKER_01
And we come from nothing, you know.
3
SPEAKER_01
So it s not, you would think we would be the most appreciative.
3
SPEAKER_01
group on the planet, and instead it s the opposite.
3
SPEAKER_02
You re getting the most attention.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh, totally.
3
SPEAKER_02
You re getting the most recognition.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know what I mean?
3
SPEAKER_01
On the red carpet, just frowning because somebody else went before you.
3
SPEAKER_01
Really?
3
SPEAKER_01
When you just got dropped off in your limo or the car doesn t come on time.
3
SPEAKER_01
You re wearing a $10,000 outfit.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know what I mean?
3
SPEAKER_00
Totally.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m sitting here next to Sandra Bullock.
3
SPEAKER_00
I was supposed to be before her.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh my god.
3
SPEAKER_00
Come on, man.
3
SPEAKER_01
But you get caught up in it.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
See, I got caught up in that.
3
SPEAKER_01
What was the question?
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, Shonda Rhimes.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
So I was on a gig where I was like, all right, this next thing, I want to shoot a gun.
3
SPEAKER_01
So I was on a show where I was shooting a gun and then, you know, doing stunts and being the tough guy.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so that ended.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then I thought to myself, oh, you know what?
3
SPEAKER_01
I would love to be on a show like Grey s Anatomy.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know, Shonda Rhimes, I could just
3
SPEAKER_01
you know, really act and have those amazing monologues and wear a suit.
3
SPEAKER_01
And the next thing I know, she called me in and she s like, there was this new show I m creating with Kate Walsh and it s a spinoff.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I was like, this is a dream come true.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know, you really can manifest some stuff.
3
SPEAKER_01
And she was just wonderful.
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t know how...
4
SPEAKER_01
I can only assume that everybody else had the experience that I had, but.
4
SPEAKER_01
I don t know if it was because I was black or a young man, but I really felt like she was looking out for me.
4
SPEAKER_01
We d have meetings about the character, and I could tell that she was very protective of the character I played.
4
SPEAKER_01
And unfortunately, in this time, in this era, when it comes to African American roles, you have to set a precedent.
4
SPEAKER_01
just so you don t have to, but if you want to make a difference, you need to set down some ground rules so that people don t get it twisted.
4
SPEAKER_01
So with that character, you could look at my character as a professional black man and know, okay, not all black people take drugs, not all black people are irresponsible.
4
SPEAKER_01
She didn t make him, he was just a good dude,
4
SPEAKER_01
through and through so that that character was there and you couldn t do anything about it.
4
SPEAKER_01
And that was proof that black people like this exist.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I m thankful for that.
4
SPEAKER_01
She s a monster, man.
4
SPEAKER_01
She s just killing it.
4
SPEAKER_01
And it s just so exciting.
4
SPEAKER_01
It just tickles me, so.
4
SPEAKER_00
Big lesson you learned from her, working with her?
4
SPEAKER_00
What was that?
4
SPEAKER_01
to go for it, you know?
4
SPEAKER_01
Somebody, I don t know, she just did it, you know?
4
SPEAKER_01
She had the audacity, you know, to think that she could do shit, and she s doing it, so.
4
SPEAKER_00
She s thinking of producing like five or 10 shows.
4
SPEAKER_00
Why not?
4
SPEAKER_00
A few shows on TV, whatever, right?
4
SPEAKER_01
If you would ve told me that somebody was gonna do that, I would ve laughed in your face and said, why don t you just chill with one?
4
SPEAKER_00
Right.
4
SPEAKER_01
Like, be cool, you know what I mean?
4
SPEAKER_01
What makes you think that they re gonna open the door for you
4
SPEAKER_01
And she was like, I m kicking this door down and I m going to be really good at it.
4
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
4
SPEAKER_01
You know, so amazing.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it really is.
4
SPEAKER_00
That s really cool.
4
SPEAKER_01
I mean, this is I didn t think I knew stuff like this was going to go down, but.
4
SPEAKER_01
I didn t think it would happen this fast with a black president and then people like Shonda Rhimes just, and people have just gone so far beyond my expectations.
4
SPEAKER_01
My mother used to say, make sure you can do everything better than they can, whoever it is.
4
SPEAKER_01
And all of these people, I think, came from that school where it s like,
4
SPEAKER_01
You be so great that they cannot deny you.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
What do you say to people who are in those situations that are struggling to choose happiness because it just feels like there s so much chaos in their life?
4
SPEAKER_02
Well, first of all, I acknowledge the chaos.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I think it s important that we don t give some false perception that when life is hard, that we can t acknowledge that it is hard.
4
SPEAKER_02
I had been there.
4
SPEAKER_02
Like, I remember when I got out of depression, I, you know, I had a suicide attempt and then I became a father too quickly of, um, you know, my kids were 10 and seven and, um,
4
SPEAKER_02
I did not know how to parent.
4
SPEAKER_02
I didn t have no money.
4
SPEAKER_02
I was choosing whether I gave my kids gas money.
4
SPEAKER_02
I mean, gave my kids lunch money or putting gas in my car.
4
SPEAKER_02
And things were difficult.
4
SPEAKER_02
The relationship that I was in was bad.
4
SPEAKER_02
It was unhealthy.
4
SPEAKER_02
And so I understand all of that list you just said.
4
SPEAKER_02
And back then I didn t choose happiness because of course, like you just expressed, you don t know how.
4
SPEAKER_02
When there is darkness around you, it is very difficult to see it.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I acknowledge that.
4
SPEAKER_02
And so I don t want somebody to feel alone and being like, well, maybe I m just, because you ll end up getting into a cycle of being harder on yourself and you start beating yourself up because the world is beating you up.
4
SPEAKER_02
And in that moment, what I did is realize
4
SPEAKER_02
I get to say that this is the world, this is the world that the circumstances I was born into or situations that I found myself in because of choices I didn t know.
4
SPEAKER_02
The first way I used to choose happiness is I used to say something, there was a song, and I wish I could remember the artist s name.
4
SPEAKER_02
She d say, I m a young soul, I came to this strange.
4
SPEAKER_02
You know that song?
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I don t know the lyrics, but I know the song.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I don t remember who it was,
4
SPEAKER_02
but I used to give myself some grace and I would say, you re a young soul, you don t know, you didn t know.
4
SPEAKER_02
And that one statement that came from that song gave me just a bit to see that I could choose happiness because of the fact that I realized I didn t know this all.
4
SPEAKER_02
So now I know I m a young soul, I didn t know it.
4
SPEAKER_02
So, okay, so these things are happening,
4
SPEAKER_02
What can I learn from each of them?
4
SPEAKER_02
And when I say what can I learn from each of them was my next step of saying learning is me choosing happiness in this moment.
4
SPEAKER_02
So I think we have to understand how to define happiness in our darkest moments or redefine happiness so that way you can then feel better because learning for me
4
SPEAKER_02
acknowledging that I was young soul and I wasn t supposed to know everything, was maybe just a little happiness.
4
SPEAKER_02
It was a redefinition.
4
SPEAKER_02
Me then deciding to learn how to... I remember the first book I got on how to be a better parent.
4
SPEAKER_02
I was like, I m so happy right now because I m taking a step to learn.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
4
SPEAKER_02
You re getting a tool.
4
SPEAKER_02
I m getting a tool.
4
SPEAKER_02
Back to that little triangle, I m getting a tool.
4
SPEAKER_02
And that tool for me,
4
SPEAKER_02
made me happy.
4
SPEAKER_02
So I just spent the next couple of years of redefining over and over again what happiness looked like in the moment I was in.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I think if more people can do that, instead of looking at happiness as supposed to be on the beach, happiness is smiling kids.
4
SPEAKER_02
I don t know what happiness is supposed to be for you.
4
SPEAKER_02
Because some days I m like, OK, these kids just got out of school, went to school on time.
4
SPEAKER_02
I didn t get a call from a teacher.
4
SPEAKER_02
I am happy.
4
SPEAKER_02
I redefine happiness to that milestone.
4
SPEAKER_02
And then later on, I was like, oh my gosh, now I m working on my career, and I m doing this.
4
SPEAKER_02
And then I redefined happiness again.
4
SPEAKER_02
So I think the redefining happiness for you in wherever you are is going to be a helpful tool of, like you said, practicing that gratitude and recognizing happiness.
4
SPEAKER_00
Speaking about your kids, what s been the greatest lesson that your kids have taught you?
4
SPEAKER_00
They don t teach me anything.
4
SPEAKER_02
I m joking.
4
SPEAKER_02
I mean, it s a million things they teach me.
4
SPEAKER_02
My son s making me a better communicator.
4
SPEAKER_02
My kids are the best mirror for me if I allow it.
4
SPEAKER_02
And that s a big thing because a lot of parents don t allow it.
4
SPEAKER_02
They don t allow their kids to be the mirrors that they need.
4
SPEAKER_02
And it wasn t even sometimes with the words they said, you know, I worked in social services for many years and I remember just coming home and being impatient because I was so stressed from work and my kids  problems just seemed so small.
4
SPEAKER_02
And there s nothing like being like,
4
SPEAKER_02
You know, just look at all you have.
4
SPEAKER_02
Be happy for what you have.
4
SPEAKER_02
Saying that to a child, and then looking at you like, what did I do?
4
SPEAKER_02
That you learn really quickly, like, wow, I m being impatient to your young life.
4
SPEAKER_02
Of course, you don t know what s going on in the world, so this is your world.
4
SPEAKER_02
And they re a young soul.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, you re a young soul.
4
SPEAKER_02
This is your world.
4
SPEAKER_02
And in your world, this is a big problem for you.
4
SPEAKER_00
And so I have to have empathy towards that.
4
SPEAKER_00
It may not be a problem for you because you overcame it 20 years prior.
4
SPEAKER_02
In 20 years prior.
4
SPEAKER_02
And so with them, they just taught me like, be introspective in that way.
4
SPEAKER_02
Like, you know, I watched this YouTube video today where this guy was in a mall and he was being interviewed by some YouTuber, you know, TikToker, and someone walked past them in the camera.
4
SPEAKER_02
And the guy who was interviewing said, look, look at this.
4
SPEAKER_02
Like he just walked, so he walked past us while we re filming.
4
SPEAKER_02
And the other guy speaking to him said,
4
SPEAKER_02
Well, maybe we don t look at it as he s being malicious.
4
SPEAKER_02
Maybe he s in his head because something just happened.
4
SPEAKER_02
And maybe we have to just understand that he s a human being going through a lot of stuff.
4
SPEAKER_02
And maybe he s just unaware.
4
SPEAKER_02
Many of us are unaware as we walk through this world.
4
SPEAKER_02
And it s like, wow.
4
SPEAKER_02
And my kids did that for me.
4
SPEAKER_02
The same perspective he gave, my kids gave me that to me.
4
SPEAKER_02
So when I m talking to someone, I always stop myself and I say,
4
SPEAKER_02
They re going through their own stuff.
4
SPEAKER_02
So right now, I need to be empathetic to where they re at.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I m not going to be impatient because they re not growing at the pace that I want them to grow at, or I m not going to have this expectation of where they should be or what they should know, because I assume that they should know it.
4
SPEAKER_02
And my kids definitely taught me that.
4
SPEAKER_02
And that came from me just looking at how I reacted to them, realizing that I need to react better to them, and I need to react better to the world around me.
4
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
4
SPEAKER_00
One of the big challenges I see a lot of people face with is figuring out relationships in general, but typically intimate relationships.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I know you coach a lot of people on your talk show and also on Queer Eye.
4
SPEAKER_00
You guys work with people in their relationships, in their intimacy, and how to really become better human beings.
4
SPEAKER_00
Why do you think people struggle so much in intimacy?
5
SPEAKER_01
And I know you and I have struggled in our past.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, we talked about it beforehand.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
But why do you think it s so challenging just for a lot of people?
5
SPEAKER_01
to create like harmony, peace in a relationship, not a perfection.
5
SPEAKER_00
Most people don t have the models of it.
5
SPEAKER_00
And the models we re given, you know, is so dated.
5
SPEAKER_00
I mean, like people have said this a million times over, but like, think about it as kids, you know, as much as I love the new Disney movie, Halle Berry is just killing it.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m like the first model we gave to little girls was like give up your voice for a man, you know Like we like drop a shoe behind, you know I mean like I remember the first time I went to a guy s house and I left something behind it was like that s toxic and I did that because You know Cinderella told me girl you leave a shoe behind.
5
SPEAKER_00
He gonna come find you He s gonna invite you back and it s not true Beauty and the Beast.
5
SPEAKER_01
Let me make you a prisoner.
5
SPEAKER_00
Let me make you abuse you and then have you fall in love with me love with me
5
SPEAKER_00
I mean, come on.
5
SPEAKER_00
And so we don t, most of us don t have the right models.
5
SPEAKER_00
We never got them.
5
SPEAKER_00
We might not have seen it in our home.
5
SPEAKER_00
And if we did see it in our home where it was really healthy, most of the times our parents didn t really tell us the struggles because every relationship has issues.
5
SPEAKER_00
And the ones that are perfect if stayed together for 40 years, 50 years, usually aren t as transparent as they need to be about the struggles they had.
5
SPEAKER_00
I remember Michelle Obama, you know, a couple months back got in trouble because she had said she s been with Barack for 30 years and 10 of them were bad.
5
SPEAKER_00
And she said, I ll take those odds.
5
SPEAKER_00
And a lot of people were like, what, you re taking 10 odds?
5
SPEAKER_00
And she wasn t saying 10 consecutive years of like, I m being abused.
5
SPEAKER_00
She was saying within that, there are a lot of times that you have to work a little bit harder and you have to communicate a little bit better.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I think most of us don t have the models.
5
SPEAKER_00
So for me, what I ve started doing now to have healthy relationships is from day one,
5
SPEAKER_00
Date one and this is a cute thing.
5
SPEAKER_00
You should do day one or date one day one or date one.
5
SPEAKER_00
Um, I Say to my partner the five things or the person I m talking to the five things that I think I need in this moment To have a healthy relationship and I asked them what are the five things they need?
5
SPEAKER_00
What are those five things for you?
5
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I need communication.
5
SPEAKER_00
I need sensitivity sensitivity slash empathy I need adventure
5
SPEAKER_00
I need sexuality and sensuality.
5
SPEAKER_00
I need a lot of that.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I need a lot of vulnerability, which is different than the sensitivity empathy for me.
5
SPEAKER_00
And those things right there, it s like, let s just get this out the way.
5
SPEAKER_00
Do you understand what those five things mean?
5
SPEAKER_00
And if you don t, I can give you some time to explain what those things are.
5
SPEAKER_00
So when I say I need adventure, it doesn t mean that I m trying to, we need to be jumping out of planes every weekend, but it does mean at least once a month, we need to be a priority and we need to find something that s out of our everyday life to do together.
5
SPEAKER_00
Because I don t ever want to get into a routine with you.
5
SPEAKER_00
When I say that I need communication, that means that in the hardest moments of our life, I need to know that you re not going to walk away, that you re going to talk to me.
5
SPEAKER_00
It doesn t mean that I can t give you space to cool off or to get your time, but even that is a little bit of a different conversation.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m like, what is that space and time?
5
SPEAKER_00
And I think too many people go through the happiness and the joy and like all the excitement and endorphins of it all.
5
SPEAKER_00
And then when those moments come, you have no baseline to say, well, I told you these were what I needed.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I don t know what you need either, because you never told me.
5
SPEAKER_00
What are the things that are important to you?
5
SPEAKER_00
Because I think the more you can be honest and transparent about what you need, and not being like, well, I need some money, is that, you know, money, and I need, like, no.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like, because it s really more of that emotional and mental thing that you need, that when the hardest moments is going to what s going to make you or break you.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
5
SPEAKER_00
Can you be sensitive to me being sensitive?
5
SPEAKER_00
That s a big thing for me because I m the Scorpio and I m sensitive as hell.
5
SPEAKER_00
You say the wrong thing and I m like, hold on, I m over it right now.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I m like, hold on, do I strike back or do I go on to cry right now?
5
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
5
SPEAKER_00
And so can you be sensitive to that?
5
SPEAKER_00
Is that too much for you?
5
SPEAKER_00
And I think that if more people could have those conversations from day one to create a foundation
5
SPEAKER_00
and understand that those things could change and you gotta check back in on those things.
5
SPEAKER_00
Because in three years, that might not be what I need anymore and it might not be your list line that be what you need, but are you really having those conversations?
5
SPEAKER_00
And if you re already deep into a relationship and you see that there s areas that you need to work on, go back to the basics and say, what are the five things you need?
5
SPEAKER_00
What are the five things that you need that are gonna make you feel?
5
SPEAKER_00
Because like, sensuality and sexuality and that stuff for me,
5
SPEAKER_00
A lot of people get older and or even young relationships and it starts to become not a priority for one partner or for both.
5
SPEAKER_00
And that could break people up or make them start to cheat.
5
SPEAKER_00
So we have to come back together and re-engage like, what is the level of sexual intimacy that you need so we stay connected?
5
SPEAKER_00
So you come to these five things day one, that s what you did with your current partner?
5
SPEAKER_00
Day one.
5
SPEAKER_00
Now, I told you the day me and my partner met, I thought it was a booty call.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
And then we spent eight hours together, not even a single drip talking.
5
SPEAKER_00
And that was on the list of things we talked about.
5
SPEAKER_01
That was one of the things you talked about?
5
SPEAKER_00
He showed me his bank account on the first night.
5
SPEAKER_01
Wait, the number to log in or how much he had in the bank account?
5
SPEAKER_00
He showed me his bank account.
5
SPEAKER_00
Oh, wow.
5
SPEAKER_00
And it wasn t something that was like, I m showing off.
5
SPEAKER_00
It was, we were having a conversation about financial stability.
5
SPEAKER_01
I think that s so important to talk about all these.
5
SPEAKER_01
Maybe it s not day one for everyone and every like dating experience, but I think it is so important.
5
SPEAKER_00
Why can t it be day one?
5
SPEAKER_00
Let s have our conversation.
5
SPEAKER_01
Why can t it be?
5
SPEAKER_01
I agree because this is what I did with Martha, my girlfriend.
5
SPEAKER_01
The first day we had a lot of these conversations.
5
SPEAKER_01
And one of the things that we talked about was priorities.
5
SPEAKER_01
This wasn t day one, but this was pretty quick within our dating experience before we got committed and exclusive.
5
SPEAKER_01
She was like,
5
SPEAKER_01
what are your priorities in life?
5
SPEAKER_01
The old priorities question that every man gets eventually, right?
5
SPEAKER_01
And I said, are you sure you want to hear the truth?
5
SPEAKER_01
Because in the past, I felt like I had to skirt around the truth because there would be triggers or fear or reactions.
5
SPEAKER_01
I said, are you sure you want to hear it?
5
SPEAKER_01
She said, yes.
5
SPEAKER_01
I go, you may not like what I m about to say.
5
SPEAKER_01
And you may not want to hang out with me anymore.
5
SPEAKER_01
So just be aware, you re asking for this.
5
SPEAKER_01
She said, what is it?
5
SPEAKER_01
And I said,
5
SPEAKER_01
My number one priority is not you, if we get into this committed relationship.
5
SPEAKER_01
And no woman wants to hear, or no other partner wants to hear, you re not number one.
5
SPEAKER_01
Now, there s context around this.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yes, of course.
5
SPEAKER_01
My number one priority is my health, my spiritual, emotional, physical health.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
5
SPEAKER_01
Because if I have bad health, I m not going to be good for you.
5
SPEAKER_01
So for me, that s why my health is my top priority, so that I can be of service to my number two priority, which is still not you.
5
SPEAKER_01
Doesn t mean you re not a top priority, but the number two priority at this season of my life is my mission.
5
SPEAKER_01
My purpose, what I feel like I m called to do at this season.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
5
SPEAKER_01
And that is what I m up to currently.
5
SPEAKER_01
And it doesn t mean I m going to neglect you, I m not going to have time for you, but you need to make sure that you don t pull me from my mission, that you support me and elevate me in being of service to my mission, because it s important to me.
5
SPEAKER_01
And if I feel like I m pulled from it, then I m probably going to resent the relationship.
5
SPEAKER_01
But if you are a full alignment that my number one and number two priorities and what they are, you re going to feel like the biggest priority in the world.
5
SPEAKER_01
You re going to feel like number one.
5
SPEAKER_01
You re going to, you re going to be have more time for me than ever before.
5
SPEAKER_01
You re going to get the best of me and you re going to have everything you want.
5
SPEAKER_01
Let me tell you something, this is what I was listening to every morning for a year.
5
SPEAKER_00
Let me tell you something, you ever been to a black church?
5
SPEAKER_00
Can you go to a black church and come and drop this knowledge?
5
SPEAKER_00
Because the passages came out in you.
5
SPEAKER_00
That is amazing.
5
SPEAKER_00
Good job.
5
SPEAKER_01
But I think either I was attracting certain people that weren t able to hear it with the context.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
5
SPEAKER_01
Most people don t want to hear I m entering a relationship and you re not going to be my number one or two priority.
5
SPEAKER_01
But it s, again, building the context around it.
5
SPEAKER_01
Make sure that you support me in going to the gym, doing therapy, doing things to support my growth.
5
SPEAKER_01
You support me in my mission.
5
SPEAKER_01
You push me to go do it.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I m going to give you all of me.
5
SPEAKER_00
So we re in line to what we re doing.
5
SPEAKER_00
We immediately told our partners what we need.
5
SPEAKER_00
And then from there, it starts to expand.
5
SPEAKER_00
I would tell you to stop prefacing with, you might not like this.
5
SPEAKER_00
Because you re already setting them up for something that you re unconsciously telling them.
5
SPEAKER_00
And it s like, they should like this.
5
SPEAKER_00
And they should then learn from it.
5
SPEAKER_00
Of course, that s why you re together.
5
SPEAKER_01
Right away, she goes, yes.
5
SPEAKER_01
She told me like, yes.
5
SPEAKER_01
Because she goes, every person I ve been with,
5
SPEAKER_01
didn t have a purpose.
5
SPEAKER_01
Maybe they had some skill or something they were doing, but they didn t love it.
5
SPEAKER_01
They weren t fully invested in their mission in life.
5
SPEAKER_01
And they made her their purpose.
5
SPEAKER_01
This is what she told me.
5
SPEAKER_01
They were like, you re my purpose.
5
SPEAKER_01
She was like, no, I don t want that.
5
SPEAKER_01
I want you to go do your thing and then we can do things together.
5
SPEAKER_01
And so, you know, she was on a healing journey.
5
SPEAKER_01
So she was more conscious in that way that she
6
SPEAKER_00
wasn t insecure if her partner was out in the world doing their thing.
6
SPEAKER_00
But I think having those conversations like we did early on, for me, has set me up for a lot more peace and harmony.
6
SPEAKER_00
Again, there s misunderstandings, and we got to go through stuff all the time, but it s harmonious in those misunderstandings.
6
SPEAKER_00
I m going to have to go reevaluate my list, because I m going to have to tell Carlos.
6
SPEAKER_01
My new number one, Carlos, is me.
6
SPEAKER_01
I m too codependent for that.
6
SPEAKER_01
It s not happening.
6
SPEAKER_00
And it s not about me being busy.
6
SPEAKER_01
I m messing with you.
6
SPEAKER_01
But no, I joke because I actually think it s beautiful.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I think it s something that should be taught more.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I think I unconsciously know how to do that already.
6
SPEAKER_01
But I think the language that you provide in that is what is why I just said, mm, amen.
6
SPEAKER_01
More people need to hear that is because
6
SPEAKER_01
That is such a powerful thing to be able to admit to someone else that my health and who I am is a priority.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I think it s beautiful because it just sets the tone.
6
SPEAKER_01
And you and I now are in a healthy relationship.
6
SPEAKER_01
You know, we re both praying that we continue to grow with this person, the people that we re with, but at least it s healthy where we re at because of the fact that we made the choice to be honest and direct about what our foundation is.
6
SPEAKER_01
Absolutely.
6
SPEAKER_00
I hope you enjoyed today s episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness.
6
SPEAKER_00
Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today s episode with all the important links.
6
SPEAKER_00
And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our greatness plus channel exclusively on Apple podcasts.
6
SPEAKER_00
Share this with a friend on social media, and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well.
6
SPEAKER_00
Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review.
6
SPEAKER_00
I really love hearing feedback from you, and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward.
6
SPEAKER_00
And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately, that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.
6
SPEAKER_00
And now, it s time to go out there and do something great.