0
SPEAKER_02
 Think beyond sex.
0
SPEAKER_02
How do you teach men to do that when that's all they've been conditioned to think?
0
SPEAKER_02
Well, here's how.
0
SPEAKER_02
Welcome to the School of Greatness.
0
SPEAKER_02
My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur.
0
SPEAKER_02
And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness.
0
SPEAKER_02
Thanks for spending some time with me today.
0
SPEAKER_02
Now let the class begin.
0
SPEAKER_02
 Welcome back everyone to the School of Greatness.
0
SPEAKER_02
Today's episode is special because it's focusing on the biggest red flags in dating that you should never ignore.
0
SPEAKER_02
And we've had so many incredible conversations with the top relationship experts and therapists in the world that I know will help you gain clarity on wherever you currently are in your love life.
0
SPEAKER_02
 And in this episode, we discuss the biggest mistakes you're most likely making in your relationship with my friend and relationship expert, Matthew Hussey.
0
SPEAKER_02
Why it's so important for both individuals values to match with psychotherapist, Esther Perel.
0
SPEAKER_02
How to understand the difference between love and lust with expert Devon Franklin.
0
SPEAKER_02
 how to make sure you're not in the wrong relationship, and how to begin a new relationship with Dr. Shefali, and how to communicate and understand your partner better in order to prevent arguments and a breakup with my man, Stefan Speaks.
0
SPEAKER_02
And if you're inspired by this, make sure to share this with someone that you think would love hearing this as well.
0
SPEAKER_02
 And if this is your first time here, quick reminder to follow and subscribe to the School of Greatness, and let us know the part of this episode you enjoyed the most by leaving us a review over on Apple Podcast with your thoughts and inspiration.
0
SPEAKER_02
And today's fan of the week is from Agnewics, who said, the universe always guides us to find the right path, and mine is the School of Greatness podcast.
0
SPEAKER_02
Words cannot describe how much this podcast helped me to finally find myself, learn, grow, and become the best version I can be.
0
SPEAKER_02
 I'm so grateful for the show and all the guests, their honesty, their challenges, and the inspirational stories.
0
SPEAKER_02
So big thank you again for being the fan of the week.
0
SPEAKER_02
And if you want a chance to be shouted out on the podcast as a fan of the week, leave us a review at the end of this episode.
0
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
0
SPEAKER_02
In just a moment, we'll break down the red flags in relationships that you should never ignore.
0
SPEAKER_02
 In this section, Matthew Hussey breaks down the biggest reason why relationships can fall apart after you're in a relationship for a while and past the honeymoon phase.
0
SPEAKER_02
 What's the biggest mistake people find today when trying to find their love or find someone that they, you know, their soulmate?
0
SPEAKER_02
What's the biggest mistake?
0
SPEAKER_01
Is it being yourself?
0
SPEAKER_01
I think there's a something of a sense of entitlement.
0
SPEAKER_01
 that most of us have, or that most people have when they're going out to date, where they somehow feel like they're just owed the love of their life, that it shouldn't be difficult, that they don't have to do anything, that it's enough, that they are just them.
0
SPEAKER_01
 You know that there's, I don't know if you've ever seen Bridget Jones, but there's a, there's a line in Bridget Jones where, uh, forget his name, Colin Firth, I think it is.
0
SPEAKER_01
He's, he's looking at Bridget and he's, I think he says, I love exactly how you are.
0
SPEAKER_01
I love you.
0
SPEAKER_01
Like no changes, nothing.
0
SPEAKER_01
I love you exactly how you are.
0
SPEAKER_01
And it, sometimes we feel like we're owed that.
0
SPEAKER_01
 And it kind of becomes an excuse, again, not to grow, not to, you know, I don't, frankly, it doesn't really matter what you think you're owed in love.
0
SPEAKER_02
No one cares.
0
SPEAKER_02
I think it's the same thing with work and, you know, so many people are entitled and they think they should just get a job, you know?
0
SPEAKER_01
And so the biggest criticism I get all the time, which I'm happy with as a criticism of my advice, is, well, why do you need to do all of this stuff?
0
SPEAKER_01
 Why can't you just go through life and when the time is right, you'll know?
0
SPEAKER_01
Why do you have to do all of these techniques?
0
SPEAKER_01
I'm happy with that criticism.
0
SPEAKER_01
If that's what you think, you're not my audience.
0
SPEAKER_01
Because my audience are the same people that go to a business seminar to make more money.
0
SPEAKER_01
They're the same people that say, you know what?
0
SPEAKER_01
If I want to start a business, I might actually need to know what the hell I'm doing.
0
SPEAKER_01
It's not enough to have confidence in life.
0
SPEAKER_01
You have to have competence.
0
SPEAKER_01
 You have to actually know what you're doing.
0
SPEAKER_01
And that's what a lot of people don't know in their love lives.
0
SPEAKER_01
If you, for example, there's something I came to understand.
0
SPEAKER_01
I remember once having a breakup.
0
SPEAKER_01
It was the most painful breakup I've ever had.
0
SPEAKER_01
I was really in a bad way over it.
0
SPEAKER_01
And a while later, I spoke to this woman on the phone and I had said to her in a brave moment on the phone, I said, why did you wanna break up?
0
SPEAKER_01
 Because by the way, you talked to the one you're dating.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, the one that had later on the phone later like a year or two later It was less raw.
0
SPEAKER_02
I was feeling a little how long was the relationship for a couple of years?
0
SPEAKER_01
Okay, well and And I was I was pretty caught up about it.
0
SPEAKER_01
Now.
0
SPEAKER_01
The funny thing was to make a long story short she had actually done something I didn't like and
0
SPEAKER_01
 And that I thought was inappropriate and disrespectful.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I remember going to her the next day and saying, I think we need to break up.
0
SPEAKER_01
During the relationship.
0
SPEAKER_01
She did this.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
And, uh, she then said to me, okay.
0
SPEAKER_01
 That was when I knew she was breaking up with me.
0
SPEAKER_01
It wasn't, it wasn't, you know, when you think you're breaking up with them.
0
SPEAKER_01
No, she was already doing it.
0
SPEAKER_01
She was breaking up with me.
0
SPEAKER_01
And it was what was so painful about it is that she was, she didn't mind.
0
SPEAKER_01
I was, I thought she might get upset.
0
SPEAKER_01
I thought, no, she didn't mind.
0
SPEAKER_01
And that was the most painful part about it.
0
SPEAKER_01
 And I- You shouldn't even fake it.
0
SPEAKER_01
You know, most women would have faked it.
0
SPEAKER_01
I can't believe this, but they're really- I know, I know.
0
SPEAKER_01
She looked like she was, okay, this is a good decision.
0
SPEAKER_01
So I remember a while later we were on the phone and we became friends today.
0
SPEAKER_01
We're very good friends, in fact.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I had said to her on the phone, why did we break up?
0
SPEAKER_01
I said, what was it for you that I wasn't doing?
0
SPEAKER_01
 And I braced myself for the answer.
0
SPEAKER_01
She said, do you really want to know?
0
SPEAKER_01
And I said, I literally thought to myself, wait, do I really want to know?
0
SPEAKER_01
And I said, I gritted my teeth and I went, yeah, I want to know.
0
SPEAKER_01
She said, um, you were boring.
0
SPEAKER_01
 And it was so much worse than I thought it would be.
0
SPEAKER_01
Do you know what I mean?
0
SPEAKER_01
Like, not just like, oh, well, you know, it was just, I was young and I was, you know, wanted to be free.
0
SPEAKER_01
No, you were boring.
0
SPEAKER_01
It was really cutting.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I remember
0
SPEAKER_01
 Resisting the urge to bite back and I said I wasn't boring.
0
SPEAKER_01
Exactly.
0
SPEAKER_01
I said no you're shut up idiot You asked the question.
0
SPEAKER_01
So now listen So I said why was I boring?
0
SPEAKER_01
She said you she said when I first met you you were the most ambitious Person I'd ever met and she's I never met someone with such an ability to decide they want something and then get it and
0
SPEAKER_01
 And she said it was so sexy.
0
SPEAKER_01
She said, but as we went into our relationship, the more time went on, the more that was all you were.
0
SPEAKER_01
You were super ambitious.
0
SPEAKER_01
You knew how to get what you want, but you were so one dimensional.
0
SPEAKER_01
 You know, it was all you did even in our free time.
0
SPEAKER_01
You were just you're on the phone You're on your laptop.
0
SPEAKER_01
You would talk about your business.
0
SPEAKER_01
You were always talking shop There was never anything else you had to talk about.
0
SPEAKER_01
We didn't do anything spontaneous.
0
SPEAKER_01
We never went and had adventures It was just all one track and she said it got boring.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah I said wow is She was right.
0
SPEAKER_01
She was right.
0
SPEAKER_01
There was nothing I could argue with and I realized something in that moment.
0
SPEAKER_01
I
0
SPEAKER_01
 The thing that makes that one quality can make you really attractive, right?
0
SPEAKER_01
But it won't keep someone can make you get the person right?
0
SPEAKER_01
It can make you sexy.
0
SPEAKER_01
It can make you intriguing.
0
SPEAKER_01
Mysterious, right?
0
SPEAKER_01
But it can even for a time make someone worship or idolize you.
0
SPEAKER_01
 one quality but one quality will not hold someone because the reality was there was a flip side to ambition which would have made it eminently more attractive and there are a few right if you pair ambition say with
0
SPEAKER_01
 an ability to enjoy life, now that person is super sexy.
0
SPEAKER_01
You combine ambition with a sense of spontaneity, for example.
0
SPEAKER_01
Very, very sexy.
0
SPEAKER_01
Ambition on its own is, when you look at it from afar, very, very attractive.
0
SPEAKER_01
Women will say, I want an ambitious man, I'd like that.
0
SPEAKER_01
But when they get up close, if it's only one side to a coin,
0
SPEAKER_01
 it quickly becomes unattractive.
0
SPEAKER_01
Someone I'm a big fan of, or unfortunately has passed, but Christopher Hitchens, he once said about love that the challenge is in not allowing your strengths to negate themselves.
0
SPEAKER_01
And that's a very powerful statement because my ambition was my greatest strength that also had the ability to be the thing that crippled me.
0
SPEAKER_01
 Because what happens is when you get good at something, and you get validation from it, and it becomes, if you're not careful, a muscle that you train to the point of mutation, and then every other part of you is not working, has atrophied.
0
SPEAKER_01
 So now you have a complete imbalance.
0
SPEAKER_01
It's like, you know, I remember working out at the gym once and my trainer, I was doing pull-ups and was trying to work out my back.
0
SPEAKER_01
My back was fine.
0
SPEAKER_01
I could keep going.
0
SPEAKER_01
And then all of a sudden my forearms gave up while I was trying to pull myself up.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I said, this is so annoying.
0
SPEAKER_01
We're trying to work my back, but my back's fine, but my forearms have given up.
0
SPEAKER_01
He said, you're only as strong as your weakest link.
0
SPEAKER_01
 If your forearms aren't there, you're not gonna be able to train your back as well as you could.
0
SPEAKER_01
So here's the point about this, which I find very interesting about dating, to your point of what's the biggest mistake people make.
0
SPEAKER_01
Apart from of course the entitlement, it's over reliance on a key strength that they have come to rely on as their source of validation, success, confidence.
0
SPEAKER_01
 Over-reliance on that I had come to over rely on essentially Being ahead of the curve for my age.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, that was like the thing that I was always based my confidence on was I am Way ahead of the curve for people my age.
0
SPEAKER_01
My business is going great, right?
0
SPEAKER_01
Yes the people I grew up with it might in my age group are not where I am just are still living at home and guess what?
0
SPEAKER_01
 That alone is boring.
0
SPEAKER_01
It's boring and it doesn't make an interesting, rounded, sexy person.
0
SPEAKER_01
But when you combine it with something else, it becomes what I call unique pairing.
0
SPEAKER_01
It's a bit like if I wanted to really get a woman attracted tonight, not me, but like send a guy out to get a woman attracted.
0
SPEAKER_01
 I could literally, if he went in and he was a little cocky and teasing, but in the right way, not an arrogant, obnoxious, but just he knew how to play with her.
0
SPEAKER_01
 And then a couple of hours in later, you know, maybe it's getting late.
0
SPEAKER_01
He comes out of the restroom and after being teasing and playful and silly, he says, you know what?
0
SPEAKER_01
It's getting late.
0
SPEAKER_01
Um, I called you a car.
0
SPEAKER_01
Um, I don't want you walking outside.
0
SPEAKER_01
And he says, I have to go as well.
0
SPEAKER_01
I have to get up early.
0
SPEAKER_01
He takes her outside.
0
SPEAKER_01
Um, he gives her a little kiss.
0
SPEAKER_01
He says, all jokes aside, I've had the best night with you tonight.
0
SPEAKER_01
I'll call you later this week.
0
SPEAKER_01
Puts her in the car, car drives away.
0
SPEAKER_01
 That woman will be going all crap I like this guy now the reason wasn't because he was a gentleman and it wasn't because he was cocky and teasing it was because he was both.
0
SPEAKER_01
 It's the and.
0
SPEAKER_01
If he does just one thing, it's not interesting enough.
0
SPEAKER_01
Because you can replace the cocky guy like that.
0
SPEAKER_01
Women know that.
0
SPEAKER_01
They can go out tonight and meet a cocky guy in Hollywood any night of the week.
0
SPEAKER_01
They don't even have to go out the next night.
0
SPEAKER_01
They can turn to their left and meet another one straight away.
0
SPEAKER_01
 By the way, even though people complain about chivalry is dead, you can go out and meet a gentleman.
0
SPEAKER_01
You can go out and meet lots of nice guys.
0
SPEAKER_01
That's all they are.
0
SPEAKER_01
Right.
0
SPEAKER_01
Incredibly boring.
0
SPEAKER_01
Women will never, they don't hold a woman.
0
SPEAKER_01
Right.
0
SPEAKER_01
So, but now you find like what seems to be a good man, but with an edge.
0
SPEAKER_01
 That's a unique pairing.
0
SPEAKER_01
And that's someone that becomes not an attraction, but an addiction.
0
SPEAKER_01
And there's a big, big difference.
0
SPEAKER_01
So I believe that we will actually, I believe these pairings already exist within us, but we've over-trained certain muscles.
0
SPEAKER_01
We've over-trained certain qualities that we've gotten used to as habit.
0
SPEAKER_01
For some people it's being funny.
0
SPEAKER_01
 For other people is being intellectual and they always they're the person that knows everything about everything.
0
SPEAKER_01
They've read every book They can always quote so-and-so for others.
0
SPEAKER_01
It's Being seductive.
0
SPEAKER_01
That's the thing.
0
SPEAKER_01
They got really good at so they're really good at you know, getting someone into bed or Getting someone sexually attracted, but they're never the person you want to eat pizza with the next day You know, so it's like it's finding those combinations that make you go.
0
SPEAKER_01
Oh my god the person I was with last night they were this and They were this is the and
0
SPEAKER_01
 And by the way, that's what makes it so hard I say this to everybody if you want to know Why you found it so hard to get over a certain X?
0
SPEAKER_01
Look for the unique pairing because they had multiple things.
0
SPEAKER_01
There was there was
0
SPEAKER_01
 There's some unique pairing that made you feel like they were difficult to replace.
0
SPEAKER_01
And that's what scares us.
0
SPEAKER_01
The more unique pairings you have, the more you become a rare bird in the dating marketplace.
0
SPEAKER_01
And when you become rare, people get really terrified of losing you.
0
SPEAKER_01
And that's always the case.
0
SPEAKER_01
Whenever you think of someone you've lost and you think like your heart aches for having lost them.
0
SPEAKER_01
For like months and months.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, it's because you go, it's not because you go, they were good in bed.
0
SPEAKER_01
 It's because you go, they were good in bed and they made me laugh.
0
SPEAKER_01
Like, I never find that.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I took them home and she was a sweetheart.
0
SPEAKER_01
Like there's those moments where you go, God, I can't find this person again.
0
SPEAKER_01
And that terrifies you.
0
SPEAKER_01
So again, to be more positive about it, be the person that has the unique pairings that other people are terrified of losing.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_02
You know, I like this because I feel like,
0
SPEAKER_02
 Well, I don't feel like but the statistics show that the divorce rate is up higher than ever right now, right?
0
SPEAKER_02
Isn't it something like 50%?
0
SPEAKER_02
I don't know I hear 50% banded around how accurate it is I don't know but it seems like people are getting married multiple times And they're easy to get out of relationships there, you know
0
SPEAKER_02
 And I'll speak for myself, you know, I am a lot of fears about long-term commitments.
0
SPEAKER_02
You know, most of my relationships are a year, maybe longer, but usually about a year and then I'm like either bored or I get scared because I have my own walls and I still get to grow and learn.
0
SPEAKER_02
For sure.
0
SPEAKER_02
 I'm curious, why do you think so many people bail in relationships and why do you think so many people are getting divorced more than ever now?
0
SPEAKER_01
Oh man, that's a big question.
0
SPEAKER_01
Well, I think there are a number of things.
0
SPEAKER_01
I can have a stab at this.
0
SPEAKER_01
I think firstly, there is less of a stigma now than there has ever been about divorce.
0
SPEAKER_01
 It's okay now, right?
0
SPEAKER_01
Certainly there are parts of the world where it's not, and there are certain religions and cultures where it's not, but certainly less than ever.
0
SPEAKER_01
Let's speak in America at least.
0
SPEAKER_00
Right.
0
SPEAKER_01
There's less of a stigma about divorce.
0
SPEAKER_01
We don't feel like complete failures in the same way that we might once have, or we wouldn't have, there would have been a time where we would have been outcast from society for it.
0
SPEAKER_01
So there's that.
0
SPEAKER_01
 I think there's also a great sense of entitlement these days where people feel like they're owed and you know marriage is you've met the right person so it's supposed to all feel great and when it doesn't feel great and when it's not all working there must be something wrong with this person not with me not with the amount of effort I'm investing into this relationship there must be something wrong with this person ah it turns out they're not the one after all
0
SPEAKER_01
 I thought they were, but they're not.
0
SPEAKER_01
The search continues.
0
SPEAKER_01
So the entitlement has people believing that it shouldn't be effort.
0
SPEAKER_01
And that's a very dangerous way to think of relationships.
0
SPEAKER_01
If you really want to see who someone is in their relationship,
0
SPEAKER_01
 Um, talk to them about sex and, and passion and, and desire in their long-term relationship.
0
SPEAKER_01
And you'll get some very heated answers because some people will, will, uh, will say it's absolutely paramount.
0
SPEAKER_01
We, you know, you have to maintain that passion.
0
SPEAKER_01
You have to find new ways to excite each other with me and my partner.
0
SPEAKER_01
We're always searching.
0
SPEAKER_01
 We're always exploring each other.
0
SPEAKER_01
We're always trying to figure out like what's going to turn you on tomorrow?
0
SPEAKER_01
What's it like?
0
SPEAKER_01
How do I how do I do something?
0
SPEAKER_01
That's that you didn't predict or how do I get you to know me a little less so that you get desire again?
0
SPEAKER_01
You know, whatever it is
0
SPEAKER_01
 Other people, and I've had hosts on TV, get very, very uptight and upset over this issue, and it's usually they're overplaying their hand when they do.
0
SPEAKER_01
They'll say, well, Matt, it's different.
0
SPEAKER_01
When you're in a marriage, when you have kids, when you're in those situations, it's different, right?
0
SPEAKER_01
You can't just think of it like that.
0
SPEAKER_01
You don't, Matt, other things become more important.
0
SPEAKER_01
 And I always know who they are in their relationship when those things happen, because people, I think, don't go into relationships with a healthy view of what is required over the long term.
0
SPEAKER_01
And what is required?
0
SPEAKER_01
Well, there's a woman who is a great authority on this called Esther Perel, and she talks about the difference between love and desire.
0
SPEAKER_01
 And I'm a big fan of her work.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I think she articulates it very, very well.
0
SPEAKER_01
That in relationships, you have to have both love and desire.
0
SPEAKER_01
Love isn't enough.
0
SPEAKER_01
Love is the thing that makes me want to get close to you.
0
SPEAKER_01
When I feel things for you, I want to know your mind.
0
SPEAKER_01
I want to know everything there is to know about you.
0
SPEAKER_01
I want to know what you're thinking.
0
SPEAKER_01
I want to know what you're doing tonight.
0
SPEAKER_01
I want to know who your friends are.
0
SPEAKER_01
I want to become friends with them.
0
SPEAKER_01
I want to get close to your mom.
0
SPEAKER_01
Like, it's all these things.
0
SPEAKER_01
That's love.
0
SPEAKER_01
 the desire to almost become merged.
0
SPEAKER_01
But desire exists in the space between two people.
0
SPEAKER_01
So you feel desire when there's a void and when there's some mystery and when you're still getting to know someone.
0
SPEAKER_01
So desire, ironically, is the thing that ends up creating love because desire is like, I want to get close to you because I don't have you.
0
SPEAKER_01
And then when I get close, we feel feelings of love, but not desire now.
0
SPEAKER_02
 In this section, Esther Perel shares why it's so crucial for values with your partner to match and what happens when they don't match up.
0
SPEAKER_02
How many values in common do you need to have with your partner, life partner?
0
SPEAKER_00
Because... The important ones.
0
SPEAKER_00
It's not how many, but there are a few of them that are really, that are really important.
0
SPEAKER_02
Which ones would you say that make or break based on your experience?
0
SPEAKER_00
 I think, I'm not gonna say them in order of importance, but one of them that really matters is your relationship to others.
0
SPEAKER_00
If you are a person that values relationships, that sees the presence of others in your life as central,
0
SPEAKER_00
 and you are with somebody who does not want community, or does not know how, I mean, I'm talking not about what they would like to learn through you, but their value is you do things alone, you live alone, you rely on yourself, you don't bring people over to the house.
0
SPEAKER_00
I have a couple I just spoke with yesterday, and he loves to have people over, and she just, nobody should come over to the house.
0
SPEAKER_00
 her space, the whole thing.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I'm thinking, wow, this is a tough one.
0
SPEAKER_00
It's not just about the how, it's his whole life is about being with people.
0
SPEAKER_00
And her whole life is about not being with people necessarily.
0
SPEAKER_00
That's not how she experiences it.
0
SPEAKER_00
Now the question is,
0
SPEAKER_00
 Is she drawn to more of what he has to offer?
0
SPEAKER_00
And is he drawn to more of what she... If these are totally... Then, okay, it's different values come together and they mix and match.
0
SPEAKER_00
But if you have these two separations like that, so that's one.
0
SPEAKER_00
One of the beautiful questions I ask in How Is Work is, were you raised for autonomy or were you raised for loyalty?
0
SPEAKER_00
Were you raised for self-reliance?
0
SPEAKER_00
 or were you raised for interdependence?
0
SPEAKER_00
Which one would you say?
0
SPEAKER_02
Self-reliance mean what?
0
SPEAKER_00
Nobody will ever help you as well as you can help yourself.
0
SPEAKER_00
You only have yourself to count on.
0
SPEAKER_00
Don't trust people.
0
SPEAKER_00
You're on your own, buddy.
0
SPEAKER_02
Or raised for loyalty.
0
SPEAKER_00
Interdependence, loyalty.
0
SPEAKER_00
You're never alone.
0
SPEAKER_00
There's people around you.
0
SPEAKER_00
You owe others.
0
SPEAKER_00
Others are there for you.
0
SPEAKER_00
Relationships is what makes you.
0
SPEAKER_02
 I think it was both based on like circumstances.
0
SPEAKER_00
Correct.
0
SPEAKER_00
The circumstances made you reliable because you were alone with mom, but the messaging was you have me.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, of course.
0
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
0
SPEAKER_02
So I think both.
0
SPEAKER_00
I think that question is a fundamentally interesting question that people can ask themselves when they partner in business and in love.
0
SPEAKER_02
Raised for self-reliance or loyalty?
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
0
SPEAKER_00
 interdependence?
0
SPEAKER_00
Do you see yourself as connected to others and it's your connections that give you a sense of anchoring, meaning, relevance, importance, all of that?
0
SPEAKER_00
Or do you see yourself as fundamentally on your own?
0
SPEAKER_00
I think travel, curiosity,
0
SPEAKER_00
 you often will have a complementarity between one person who is curious and eager to discover and goes on, you know, and then another person.
0
SPEAKER_02
Your question about- Who wants to be alone or doesn't wanna travel, wants to stay home.
0
SPEAKER_00
Doesn't wanna, but it's also likes comfort, likes repetition, likes the familiar.
0
SPEAKER_00
I think the religious values, if you have a person who, you know, those matter a great deal.
0
SPEAKER_00
 Children, do you want family or do you not want family?
0
SPEAKER_00
If you want a family, then make sure that you find someone who wants a family.
0
SPEAKER_00
What are you gonna do?
0
SPEAKER_00
Try to convince some, you know.
0
SPEAKER_00
Now, I don't think you have to have the same values on everything.
0
SPEAKER_00
I think you have to have a similar outlook on life.
0
SPEAKER_02
Which is?
0
SPEAKER_00
A vision, like exactly the same as when you, a vision, do you, you know,
0
SPEAKER_00
 Do you want to own a home?
0
SPEAKER_00
Do you think that economic achievement is important?
0
SPEAKER_00
Do you want to live in an extended family?
0
SPEAKER_00
You think that living intergenerationally really is important, and you have somebody else who says, you know, I don't want your parents over.
0
SPEAKER_00
You know, do you want to live in more than one place?
0
SPEAKER_00
You know, I think these are essential, you know, money,
0
SPEAKER_00
 feelings or emotions, religious beliefs, attitude toward life,
0
SPEAKER_00
 It's not a specific value about something.
0
SPEAKER_00
A value is a cluster of things.
0
SPEAKER_00
It's a cluster of importance, of systems of meanings.
0
SPEAKER_00
That's a value.
0
SPEAKER_02
And you may not find someone with everything that's the same, but someone with a similar mindset, as you were saying, an overall feeling.
0
SPEAKER_00
I met a husband of mine, with whom I am for more than three decades, who had never left the U.S.
0
SPEAKER_00
when I met him.
0
SPEAKER_03
Really?
0
SPEAKER_00
 I never knew such a person existed.
0
SPEAKER_00
Coming from Europe, that was unheard of for us.
0
SPEAKER_00
No, he lived in the States.
0
SPEAKER_00
He was American.
0
SPEAKER_00
I came from Europe.
0
SPEAKER_00
In Europe, you travel everywhere all the time, even if you have nothing.
0
SPEAKER_00
You work one month, you get the money, and then you go to the next country, which is two hours away.
0
SPEAKER_00
 So he had never been outside of the US.
0
SPEAKER_00
Well, he will always tell me he's been to the Virgin Islands, but you know, for the rest, and I thought, oh my God, how does one, you know, who is such a person?
0
SPEAKER_00
But I knew it was because of the circumstances of his life, and that if he could, he would, and he was intensely curious.
0
SPEAKER_00
 If you just said, oh, he's never traveled, then you misinterpret.
0
SPEAKER_00
You don't want to just look at the manifest thing of, you know, you want to say, and behind this, is there someone who would actually like that, who just hasn't had the opportunity and is curious and just says, let's go.
0
SPEAKER_00
So don't get fooled just by what you see.
0
SPEAKER_00
Find out what is the belief behind it, the aspiration, the longing, the interest, and then you get a sense of what is the value.
0
SPEAKER_02
 Do you think it's – I'm going to go back to expectation.
0
SPEAKER_02
Do you feel like we should diversify expectations or – what did you say the word was?
0
SPEAKER_02
Calibrate.
0
SPEAKER_02
Calibrate expectations or should we be finding someone that can reach that expectation that we want?
0
SPEAKER_02
 No, I think it's just impossible.
0
SPEAKER_00
I think you need to calibrate.
0
SPEAKER_02
Calibrate, always calibrate.
0
SPEAKER_00
You calibrate, you constantly will be disappointed.
0
SPEAKER_00
Do you know a single relationship where you haven't been disappointed?
0
SPEAKER_00
No.
0
SPEAKER_00
Okay, I mean, disappointment is which can lead to suffering.
0
SPEAKER_00
It's part of a relationship.
0
SPEAKER_00
The minute you have a relationship, you have an expectation.
0
SPEAKER_00
That expectation means that you want something,
0
SPEAKER_00
 love, closeness, intimacy, partnership, business affiliation, you name it, creates dependence.
0
SPEAKER_00
The moment you have an attachment, you have dependence.
0
SPEAKER_00
That dependence means that you have power, or I have power.
0
SPEAKER_00
If I expect something from you, I confer power on you.
0
SPEAKER_00
You have power over me, I have power over you.
0
SPEAKER_00
By definition, there will be moments when that power doesn't go in the direction that I want.
0
SPEAKER_02
 And I'll be disappointed.
0
SPEAKER_00
I'll be disappointed.
0
SPEAKER_00
Is there a single child that didn't have a disappointment from their parents?
0
SPEAKER_00
It doesn't exist.
0
SPEAKER_00
This idyllic thing you're talking about, it doesn't exist.
0
SPEAKER_00
The next thing is, what do you do with that disappointment?
0
SPEAKER_00
A, can I come tell you, I'm really disappointed.
0
SPEAKER_00
You let me down.
0
SPEAKER_00
I thought we were in this together.
0
SPEAKER_00
I trusted you.
0
SPEAKER_00
And you say,
0
SPEAKER_00
 I see your point.
0
SPEAKER_00
Or do you say, what the hell are you talking about?
0
SPEAKER_00
You're just inventing this.
0
SPEAKER_00
You're delusional.
0
SPEAKER_00
And everything in between.
0
SPEAKER_00
That's how you do a relationship.
0
SPEAKER_00
It's really based on the repair.
0
SPEAKER_00
It's not based on the... It's how we heal the disappointment.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
0
SPEAKER_00
It's how you repair all these bridges.
3
SPEAKER_01
 It's hard for them to say it.
3
SPEAKER_01
But once they're calmed down and at a better place, they can.
3
SPEAKER_00
Absolutely.
3
SPEAKER_01
So, we just have to be, we got to be patient as well.
3
SPEAKER_01
We got to be patient with each other and give grace.
3
SPEAKER_01
We're going to have moments where yeah, it may not make sense.
3
SPEAKER_01
But again, overall, if you're with a good woman,
3
SPEAKER_01
 Why act like she must be, she's being difficult or evil right now?
3
SPEAKER_00
You know?
3
SPEAKER_00
There's a lot of good women, speaking of good women, there's a lot of good women out there that are friends of mine who are single.
3
SPEAKER_00
And they've been single for years.
3
SPEAKER_00
I'm thinking of a few of them specifically in my mind.
3
SPEAKER_00
So, I'm going to speak to these women's archetype because I think there's a lot of women like this out there.
3
SPEAKER_00
They've been single for... They haven't been in a... They've been dating but they haven't been in a committed long-term relationship for a while.
3
SPEAKER_00
 Good women.
3
SPEAKER_00
They make their own money, they're independent, they're kind, they're compassionate, they're loving, they've got their own vision, but they're struggling in finding the right guy who will commit.
3
SPEAKER_00
 What do you think is missing from those women?
3
SPEAKER_00
Or is this a timing thing?
3
SPEAKER_00
Maybe it's like, hey, you've been trying this for 8, 10 years and you haven't found someone.
3
SPEAKER_00
Maybe it's still timing.
3
SPEAKER_00
Maybe they haven't showed up in your life yet.
3
SPEAKER_00
But if they're going on dates, they're doing these things and they still haven't been able to find a partner that feels like a good match, the right match.
3
SPEAKER_00
What's missing from them or is nothing missing?
3
SPEAKER_01
 It's hard to say because you know without knowing them individually the issues can vary you know.
3
SPEAKER_01
I'll tell you what I've seen as common barriers for women.
3
SPEAKER_01
One of the most common and they may not like hearing this but one of the most common is
3
SPEAKER_01
 a lacking of being in touch with their feminine side.
3
SPEAKER_01
And that only really plays a huge role dependent on the type of man they desire.
3
SPEAKER_01
If they desire a very masculine man, man who has his stuff together, a guy who can be a leader at least has those qualities.
3
SPEAKER_01
 then not being in your feminine is going to work against you.
3
SPEAKER_01
You're going to come across more difficult, you're not going to come across as someone that's peaceful.
3
SPEAKER_01
And again, I think every man, every man who has stuff going on for himself can say what he needs almost most importantly or at least near the top is peace.
3
SPEAKER_01
 every man needs peace.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, man, I've been saying that my whole life, peace.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so, if he does not view you in that way because again, you project more masculine energy, you project more resistance, more of a difficult nature.
3
SPEAKER_01
He's not going to... You could be the most beautiful amazing woman and he may want to sleep with you.
3
SPEAKER_01
 But he's not going to want to take you serious or marry you.
3
SPEAKER_01
So, that can be one problem.
3
SPEAKER_01
Another thing can be timing.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know, it's a lot of times is we have to understand everything that doesn't happen tomorrow there is a process to this.
3
SPEAKER_01
But in that timing what's important is that you don't drag on with the wrong men.
3
SPEAKER_01
 A lot of women reduce their time or reduce their window of opportunity staying with the wrong guys, dating even the wrong guys.
3
SPEAKER_01
So, it doesn't have to be a committed relationship.
3
SPEAKER_01
It could just be you're dating and getting to know each other but you knew after a couple days that he wasn't it.
3
SPEAKER_01
And yet you're still letting it continue and what...
3
SPEAKER_01
 And even though you're not fully committed in this relationship as an official boyfriend girlfriend, you're emotionally invested.
3
SPEAKER_01
And your ability to now be available to someone else is severely hindered.
3
SPEAKER_01
So, you're not going to be able to meet that great guy or that great guy may come across you here that you're dating this guy and say I'm not even going to bother with that.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so, that hurts you.
3
SPEAKER_01
So, timing is it but you have to make sure you're leaving yourself available.
3
SPEAKER_00
Here's a question,
3
SPEAKER_00
 Do we stay in relationships longer when we haven't fully healed the past?
3
SPEAKER_00
Hell yes.
3
SPEAKER_00
 I've probably raised my hand here for pretty much every past relationship where I have known at different levels like something's not right, something's off, okay, let's work on it, let's try to make it work, still things are off.
3
SPEAKER_00
It's like you have a knowing inside and sometimes you try to force it to make it work.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I'm as one to blame as anyone here.
3
SPEAKER_00
 And what I realized is like, oh, I haven't fully healed certain things and it's why I've stayed in the past in relationships much longer than I probably should have.
3
SPEAKER_00
But I was afraid.
3
SPEAKER_00
I was afraid of hurting someone.
3
SPEAKER_00
I was afraid of hurting myself.
3
SPEAKER_00
I was afraid of whatever.
3
SPEAKER_00
 When I started to learn that, like, this is something you talked about over and over, that the healing process is the key process to build a foundation for the potential for a great relationship, for something to flourish.
3
SPEAKER_00
You wanna have, you know, the dream is to have a rainforest of an environment in your relationship where things can grow, things can flourish.
3
SPEAKER_00
There's green trees around you, there's waterfalls.
3
SPEAKER_00
Not an environment of a desert where things go to die in the relationship.
3
SPEAKER_00
 And I don't think we can truly allow things to grow if we don't learn to heal.
3
SPEAKER_00
And that's something that you taught me years ago and you teach so many people around the world this.
3
SPEAKER_00
 But if people don't even think they need to heal something, how do they do it?
3
SPEAKER_00
They can't.
3
SPEAKER_01
There's no way... You can't overcome an obstacle you don't believe exists.
3
SPEAKER_01
Right.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, like, I'm fine, I got this.
3
SPEAKER_00
Nah, I've dealt with this stuff in the past.
3
SPEAKER_01
Like, that was me.
3
SPEAKER_01
Exactly.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so, the problem is most people don't heal until they hit a wall.
3
SPEAKER_01
 until something you know, knocks them on their behind and now they have to see things differently and accept the issues that they've been holding on to.
3
SPEAKER_01
But also I think the problem for a lot of individuals is they're not healed and they're in environments with people who haven't healed either.
3
SPEAKER_01
And now those unhealed people are going to validate your issues, they're going to validate your unwillingness to face those things.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is so hard because
3
SPEAKER_00
 whatever, guy friends, girlfriends, whoever you are, and you lean on people and say, this person did this, and they validate, and you say, leave them.
3
SPEAKER_00
They're no good for you.
3
SPEAKER_00
You deserve better.
3
SPEAKER_00
You don't deserve that.
3
SPEAKER_00
They shouldn't be doing this, right?
3
SPEAKER_00
They start to validate to be on your side, but they're not healed either if they're coming from that place.
3
SPEAKER_00
Maybe they're correct on certain things, but it's learning how to communicate to your friends in a healthier way probably also.
3
SPEAKER_01
 Well, I think yes, because a lot of people they tell their friends the bad and they don't always tell them the good.
3
SPEAKER_01
So, the friends have a very skewed perception of the relationship or whatever situation that you're facing.
3
SPEAKER_01
But we also have to be aware enough to understand who we're seeking guidance from.
3
SPEAKER_01
Like,
3
SPEAKER_01
 I may speak to my friends because I need to vent at the moment or I want some feedback.
3
SPEAKER_01
But I'm fully aware that they are not the end all be all to this that they may be speaking from their own hurt place.
3
SPEAKER_01
I still can filter their perspective through the understanding of they're not
3
SPEAKER_01
 they're not healed enough to give me full proper great guidance, all right.
3
SPEAKER_01
But they might give a perspective that I needed to look at and that's why I will still talk to them because I want to hear different perspectives.
3
SPEAKER_01
I want to make sure I'm not missing any blind spots here, all right.
3
SPEAKER_01
So, it's good to talk to different people but only if you understand how to not just take them as oh, well, my friend said this so this is it.
3
SPEAKER_01
No, your friend may be broken too and they're going to lead you down an even more broken path.
3
SPEAKER_00
 Exactly, so, the conversations you have with some people they're not healed and they're not helping you fully because they're validating something that you don't need to hear necessarily.
3
SPEAKER_00
Maybe some of it is right but not all of it.
3
SPEAKER_01
And not to mention it can happen in other ways as far as like I've seen people where the friend was in a toxic relationship that they were unwilling to leave.
3
SPEAKER_01
So, now when their other friend came to them about their toxic relationship
3
SPEAKER_01
 is oh, you know, give them a chance.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, you know, cheating happens in every relationship.
3
SPEAKER_01
They'll come up with all these validations to stay because they can't look themselves in the mirror and tell themselves to walk away.
3
SPEAKER_01
So, how are they going to tell you to do it, all right?
3
SPEAKER_01
Now, some people can do that.
3
SPEAKER_01
Some people can still tell you opposite of what they're going to actually are willing to do.
3
SPEAKER_01
But a lot of people
3
SPEAKER_01
 unconsciously or subconsciously are trying to validate how they would handle things or how they have handled things, all right.
3
SPEAKER_01
So, if it's I would leave because someone called me out there out my name one time then I have to tell you that you got to leave for that reason.
3
SPEAKER_01
 I can't tell you to be considerate of well, maybe it was a mistake, maybe this can be fixed.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, no, no, no, because I drew that line you need to draw that line.
3
SPEAKER_01
A lot of people don't understand how to give that unbiased advice.
3
SPEAKER_01
So, that's why you have to be very careful going to friends and family.
3
SPEAKER_00
Healing is again, a lot of clarity comes through healing.
3
SPEAKER_00
You'll be able to see things differently in a relationship if you are from a healed place.
3
SPEAKER_00
 I think a lot of us, myself included, have stayed in relationships longer than necessary because we haven't healed something yet and that's why we stayed in them.
3
SPEAKER_00
 Would you say that people who have healed and addressed the past, the traumas of the past, the pains of the past, are much quicker to get out of a dating situation when they realize, oh, this isn't for me.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like, I thought it was gonna work out, but I don't need to keep trying for months and years to try to make it work.
3
SPEAKER_00
It's not working, I'm willing to walk away.
3
SPEAKER_00
Would you say people healed are able to do that better?
3
SPEAKER_01
 Absolutely, basically the more healed you become or when you have become healed your willingness or ability to tolerate toxic energy is diminished.
3
SPEAKER_01
You don't know how to operate or how to stay in those environments any longer because now you see things so much clearer.
3
SPEAKER_01
It's almost like if you were to detox your body and start to eat healthy.
3
SPEAKER_01
Now, you go back to eating some fast food and it will destroy your stomach.
3
SPEAKER_01
 So, your willingness to eat that bad food is no longer there or at least it's diminished because now your body knows what healthy feels like, all right.
3
SPEAKER_01
So, emotionally once you get to a healthy place and you know what healthy is you can't tolerate dysfunction as much anymore.
3
SPEAKER_01
You can't tolerate someone who does not want to face their issues.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know it reminds me right now real quick of even when it comes to business.
3
SPEAKER_01
 or you know what, even when it comes to fitness.
3
SPEAKER_01
A lot of people once they've achieved great success or once they've achieved getting that body they always wanted, they look at those who do not have differently.
3
SPEAKER_01
Before they may have been in that pool of people that said my circumstances, there's nothing I can do, it's too hard.
3
SPEAKER_01
But once you've achieved it and you knew what work it took to get there, now it's like no, you're just unwilling.
3
SPEAKER_01
 You don't have enough desire to push past the obstacles to get the results you're looking for.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so, again, when you become healthy your willingness to tolerate this person just can't get past their issues.
3
SPEAKER_01
It's like no, because I got past mine.
3
SPEAKER_00
I know what it takes, I know you can get there if you're willing, but so many are not willing.
3
SPEAKER_00
Let's say you got in a relationship, you got married, you've been committed for a while,
3
SPEAKER_00
 And you, neither of you have healed.
3
SPEAKER_00
But then one of you decides, you know what, this isn't working, I gotta heal the pain from the past.
3
SPEAKER_00
They go on that journey, they get relief, they find peace in their heart, they're not triggered, whatever it is.
3
SPEAKER_00
 They've started and have continually been on the healing process, but the other person continues to be in their own traumatic past experiences.
3
SPEAKER_00
What if they're not willing to heal?
3
SPEAKER_00
Would you recommend, like, is that where they should be able to work still?
3
SPEAKER_00
Are you able to find ways to say, well, we still love each other?
3
SPEAKER_00
 We have a lot of chemistry and connection most of the time.
3
SPEAKER_00
What would you say about that?
3
SPEAKER_00
If the other person's unwilling to heal?
3
SPEAKER_01
I hate to say this, but I have to be honest, all right?
3
SPEAKER_01
 I can never encourage someone to remain in a toxic situation, all right.
3
SPEAKER_01
I do think that we can take an approach that says let's see if we can work this out.
3
SPEAKER_01
Let's give them a little bit of grace here and the main thing is can we achieve progress, all right.
3
SPEAKER_01
Rome isn't built in a day and if we've been behaving or we've been tolerating this dysfunction for so many years we can't expect it to be perfect tomorrow.
3
SPEAKER_01
But are you willing to at least start to walk on that path and make progress?
3
SPEAKER_01
 though I don't want to encourage divorce.
3
SPEAKER_01
I cannot feel comfortable telling people to stay trapped in a marriage with someone who doesn't want to face their issues.
3
SPEAKER_01
If you have freed yourself from that, you have healed, they've got to be willing to make a move.
3
SPEAKER_01
And here's the problem, people are afraid to heal.
3
SPEAKER_01
 or people are afraid to face the issues that requires them to heal, all right.
3
SPEAKER_01
Because you have to... It's like I remember a quote I'm probably saying it wrong.
3
SPEAKER_01
To heal you have to face the pain or you have to dive into the pain something like that, all right.
3
SPEAKER_01
So, people understand it's painful to go and revisit your past.
3
SPEAKER_01
It's painful to let those emotions you've suppressed all these years come back out.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so, now
3
SPEAKER_01
 your fear of healing or facing the process of healing is greater than your fear of losing this person, all right.
3
SPEAKER_01
And they think because you're married to them you're not going anywhere.
3
SPEAKER_00
They're stuck for life.
3
SPEAKER_01
Exactly.
3
SPEAKER_01
So, for that reason that's not enough incentive to face their fear of facing their issues.
3
SPEAKER_01
The only thing that may get them to do it is the threat of divorce.
3
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
3
SPEAKER_01
 Or is the actual divorce happening?
3
SPEAKER_01
Again, it's not that I wanted to get to that point.
3
SPEAKER_01
I'm hoping praying everyone can avoid that.
3
SPEAKER_01
But the reality is some people won't get it together until there's a real consequence on the table.
3
SPEAKER_01
And that will be divorce in that situation.
3
SPEAKER_00
So, okay.
3
SPEAKER_00
 let's say someone's like you know what, I feel like I'm good, it's never been about me, it's been about everyone else.
3
SPEAKER_00
It's their problems that why the relationship doesn't work out.
3
SPEAKER_01
Hold on, I got to stop you real quick.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_01
Because this is like hitting my spirit I got to say.
3
SPEAKER_01
The other thing to consider is that some people will never change, they will never heal.
3
SPEAKER_01
And the reality is that the person you're with is the wrong person.
3
SPEAKER_01
And the only reason you got with them is because you were broken.
3
SPEAKER_01
 Had you not been damaged in the first place you may not be with this individual.
3
SPEAKER_01
Because you wouldn't have chose someone like this if you were coming from a healed place.
3
SPEAKER_01
Exactly, and if you were healed you would have been your true self.
3
SPEAKER_01
Your true self may not have aligned with this individual.
3
SPEAKER_01
Now,
3
SPEAKER_01
 I'm not saying that there aren't circumstances where people still end up with the right person when they were both not healed.
3
SPEAKER_01
I do think that's possible to happen.
3
SPEAKER_01
But a lot of people I would argue the majority when you... Because I always say if you're not healed you are 99% likely to choose the wrong person.
3
SPEAKER_01
 So, I do still strongly believe that the majority of people are with the wrong individual and that's marriage, relationship, whatever.
3
SPEAKER_01
Because that brokenness, that damage... Attracted something else that was broken.
3
SPEAKER_01
Exactly, and allowed you to tolerate it or it allowed you to feel safer in that environment.
3
SPEAKER_01
Here's the thing that people don't realize when you have not healed
3
SPEAKER_01
 if you were to get with a healthy person it would essentially demand of you from the jump to basically heal or step your game up.
3
SPEAKER_01
And again, people are afraid to face their issues.
3
SPEAKER_01
So, to get with another broken person subconsciously it validates me staying broken.
3
SPEAKER_01
It validates me not having to face my issues because now we all have issues.
3
SPEAKER_01
You see, as long as we all have issues I don't have to face mine.
3
SPEAKER_01
But if you have corrected yours how can I validate my own?
3
SPEAKER_00
 Thank you so much for listening.
3
SPEAKER_00
I hope you enjoyed today's episode and inspired you on your journey towards greatness.
3
SPEAKER_00
Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's show with all the important links and also make sure to share this with a friend leave us a review over on Apple podcast and subscribe over on Apple podcast as well.
3
SPEAKER_00
 I really love hearing feedback from you guys, so share a review over on Apple and let me know what part of this episode resonated with you the most.
3
SPEAKER_00
And if no one's told you lately, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.
3
SPEAKER_00
And now it's time to go out there and do something great.