0
SPEAKER_01
A new season of Bridgerton is here.
0
SPEAKER_01
And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
0
SPEAKER_01
I m your host, Gabby Collins.
0
SPEAKER_01
And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the ton.
0
SPEAKER_01
Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
0
SPEAKER_01
Then fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_01
Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.
0
SPEAKER_04
Guess what, Will?
0
SPEAKER_04
What s that, Mango?
0
SPEAKER_04
I ve been trying to write a promo for our podcast, Part-Time Genius, but even though we ve done over 250 episodes, we don t really talk about murders or cults.
0
SPEAKER_03
I mean, we did just cover the Illuminati of cheese, so I feel like that makes us pretty edgy.
0
SPEAKER_03
We also solve mysteries like how Chinese is your Chinese food and how do dollar stores make money?
0
SPEAKER_03
And then, of course, can you game a dog show?
0
SPEAKER_03
So what you re saying is everyone should be listening.
0
SPEAKER_03
Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_05
Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt and we re the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_02
It s a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
0
SPEAKER_05
Like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
0
SPEAKER_02
Let s learn about all of it and then some.
0
SPEAKER_02
Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on America s number one podcast network, iHeart.
0
SPEAKER_02
Open your free iHeart app and search Grown Up Stuff.
0
SPEAKER_00
Being present and seeing your values gives you a sense of who you are and you get to decide if that s the person you want to be.
0
SPEAKER_00
You spend more time with yourself than anyone else in your lifetime.
0
SPEAKER_00
Take the time to appreciate your strengths and admit the areas where you need work.
0
SPEAKER_00
Then, when you enter a relationship with someone else, you ll already have a sense of what you re bringing to the table and where you could improve.
0
SPEAKER_00
Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world.
0
SPEAKER_00
Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow.
0
SPEAKER_00
I hope you re doing awesome.
0
SPEAKER_00
I hope your year is going really, really well so far.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I hope that you re finding time to connect with yourself.
0
SPEAKER_00
I hope you re enjoying my new book, if you ve started reading it or listening to it.
0
SPEAKER_00
Even if you haven t, I have a little gift for you today.
0
SPEAKER_00
I managed to get the first chapter of the audiobook totally free for you today on the episode, so you re going to get to hear the first chapter of the audiobook absolutely free.
0
SPEAKER_00
And of course, if you enjoy it, if you love it, head over to 8rulesoflove.com, and you can buy the audiobook right now and listen to the rest of the book.
0
SPEAKER_00
Of course, you can get it from Audible, from Amazon, wherever you listen to audiobooks, especially because you re a listener of On Purpose.
0
SPEAKER_00
I wanted to do this as a gift for you.
0
SPEAKER_00
I hope you enjoy it, and I hope you ll listen and learn from the rest of the book.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I d love to invite you to come and see me for my global tour, Love Rules.
0
SPEAKER_00
Go to jscheddytour.com to learn more information about tickets, VIP experiences, and more.
0
SPEAKER_00
I can t wait to see you this year.
0
SPEAKER_00
In this episode, I ll be talking about how to spend more time alone, how to actually be happy alone, how to be alone and enjoy our own company.
0
SPEAKER_00
What are the activities and things you can do when you re on your own?
0
SPEAKER_00
I think so many of us wonder, like, Jay, well, if I m on my own, what am I going to do?
0
SPEAKER_00
and I feel uncomfortable with that idea.
0
SPEAKER_00
So today, I m going to be sharing the principles and steps to how you can be alone and what to do when you re spending time by yourself, the benefits of that, and how powerful it is for you as well.
0
SPEAKER_00
I hope you enjoy it, and I hope you ll go and grab a copy of the audiobook from 8rulesoflove.com.
0
SPEAKER_00
Part one, solitude, learning to love yourself.
0
SPEAKER_00
In the first ashram, brahmacharya, we prepare for love by learning how to be alone and learning from our past relationships how to improve our next one.
0
SPEAKER_00
Alone, we learn to love ourselves, to understand ourselves, to heal our own pain, and to care for ourselves.
0
SPEAKER_00
We experience atma prem, self-love.
0
SPEAKER_00
Rule one, let yourself be alone.
0
SPEAKER_00
I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.
0
SPEAKER_00
Hafiz We can all agree that no one wants to be lonely.
0
SPEAKER_00
In fact, many people would rather stay in an unhappy relationship than be single.
0
SPEAKER_00
If you type the phrase, will I ever, into a search engine, it predicts that the next words you will enter are find love, because will I ever find love is the most popular question people ask about their futures.
0
SPEAKER_00
This question reveals our insecurity, our fear, our anxiety around loneliness, and these very feelings prevent us from finding love.
0
SPEAKER_00
Researchers at the University of Toronto found through a series of studies that when we re afraid of being single, we re more likely to settle for less satisfying relationships.
0
SPEAKER_00
Specifically, we re more likely to become dependent on our partners and less likely to break up with them even when the relationship doesn t meet our needs.
0
SPEAKER_00
Being in a relationship seems like the obvious cure for loneliness.
0
SPEAKER_00
Aren t we lonely because we re alone?
0
SPEAKER_00
But the fear of loneliness interferes with our ability to make good decisions about relationships.
0
SPEAKER_00
My client Leo had been dating Isla for nearly a year when her job took her from Philadelphia to Austin.
0
SPEAKER_00
You should do what s best for you, she told him.
0
SPEAKER_00
I want to be clear.
0
SPEAKER_00
I m not sure where our relationship is going.
0
SPEAKER_00
He was unsure at first, but a month after she left, he moved to Austin.
0
SPEAKER_00
Most of my friends were in relationships.
0
SPEAKER_00
I basically felt single without Isla, and I didn t want to be lonely, so I decided to join her.
0
SPEAKER_00
Instead of thinking about the pros and cons of moving, what were his job prospects?
0
SPEAKER_00
What was he leaving behind in Philadelphia?
0
SPEAKER_00
Who did he know in Austin?
0
SPEAKER_00
Did he like it there?
0
SPEAKER_00
Would this step benefit his relationship?
0
SPEAKER_00
Leo was primarily focused on avoiding loneliness A month after he moved, Isla ended the relationship Leo moved in order to avoid loneliness but he ended up working remotely from a town where he knew nobody and found himself lonelier than ever
0
SPEAKER_00
Do we want to choose or stay in a relationship based on insecurity and desperation, or based on contentment and joy?
0
SPEAKER_00
Loneliness makes us rush into relationships, it keeps us in the wrong relationships, and it urges us to accept less than we deserve.
0
SPEAKER_00
We must use the time when we are single or take time alone when we re in a couple to understand ourselves, our pleasures, and our values.
0
SPEAKER_00
When we learn to love ourselves, we develop compassion, empathy, and patience.
0
SPEAKER_00
Then we can use those qualities to love someone else.
0
SPEAKER_00
In this way, being alone, not lonely, but comfortable and confident in situations where we make our own choices, follow our own lead, and reflect on our own experience is the first step in preparing ourselves to love others.
0
SPEAKER_00
Fear of loneliness.
0
SPEAKER_00
It s no wonder we dread being alone.
0
SPEAKER_00
All our lives we ve been primed to fear it.
0
SPEAKER_00
The kid who played by themselves in the playground?
0
SPEAKER_00
They were called a loner.
0
SPEAKER_00
The one who had a birthday party when the cool kids didn t show up?
0
SPEAKER_00
They felt unpopular.
0
SPEAKER_00
Not being able to find a plus one for the wedding makes us feel like losers.
0
SPEAKER_00
The terrifying prospect of having to sit alone during lunch is such a common theme in high school movies that Steven Glassberg, a throwaway cameo in Superbad, has made it into the urban dictionary as that kid who sits alone at lunch every day eating his dessert.
0
SPEAKER_00
It was drummed into us that we had to have a prom date, to fill our yearbooks with signatures, to be surrounded by a squad of friends.
0
SPEAKER_00
Being alone meant being lonely.
0
SPEAKER_00
Loneliness has been cast as the enemy of joy, growth, and love.
0
SPEAKER_00
We imagine ourselves stranded on an island, lost, confused, and helpless, like Tom Hanks in Castaway, with nobody but a volleyball named Wilson to talk to.
0
SPEAKER_00
Loneliness is the last resort.
1
SPEAKER_00
a place no one wants to visit, let alone live.
1
SPEAKER_00
When I spent three years as a monk, I spent more time alone than in the rest of my life put together.
1
SPEAKER_00
Though there were many monks at the ashram, much of our time was spent in silence and solitude and we certainly didn t have romantic relationships.
1
SPEAKER_00
The emotional isolation allowed me to develop and practice skills that are harder to access among the pleasures and pressures of a relationship.
1
SPEAKER_00
For instance, the first time I went on a meditation retreat, I was appalled when I saw that I wasn t supposed to bring my mp3 player.
1
SPEAKER_00
Music was my life then and I couldn t imagine what I would do during breaks if I couldn t listen.
1
SPEAKER_00
But on that retreat, I discovered that I loved silence.
1
SPEAKER_00
I found that I didn t need anything to entertain myself.
1
SPEAKER_00
I wasn t distracted by conversation, flirtation, or expectations.
1
SPEAKER_00
There was no music or device to fiddle with to fill my mind.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I was the most engaged and present that I d ever been.
1
SPEAKER_00
If you haven t learned the lessons of an ashram, life will keep pushing you back to that phase of life in one way or another.
1
SPEAKER_00
Many of the key lessons of brahmacharya are learned in solitude.
1
SPEAKER_00
Let s begin by assessing how much time you spend alone and how it makes you feel.
1
SPEAKER_00
This baseline audit is important whether you re in a relationship or not to see if you re using your time in solitude to understand yourself and ready yourself for love.
1
SPEAKER_00
Try this Solo Audit First, spend one week keeping track of all the time you spend alone.
1
SPEAKER_00
This means without a companion.
1
SPEAKER_00
Don t spend the time with the TV on or scrolling mindlessly through your phone.
1
SPEAKER_00
I want you to track active solo pastimes, such as reading, walking, meditating, exercising, or pursuing an interest like cooking, going to museums, collecting, building, or creating.
1
SPEAKER_00
No, you can t count the time when you re asleep.
1
SPEAKER_00
For this part of the exercise, you don t have to go out of your way to be alone.
1
SPEAKER_00
At this point, we just want to observe what your habits are.
1
SPEAKER_00
Next to the time you spent alone, write down what you did and whether doing it without a companion bothered you.
1
SPEAKER_00
You might enjoy doing dishes alone, or you might find it a painful reminder that you cooked for one.
1
SPEAKER_00
You might like to walk alone, or it might make you feel lonely.
1
SPEAKER_00
Think about why you are comfortable or uncomfortable.
1
SPEAKER_00
When do you feel comfortable alone?
1
SPEAKER_00
The point of this exercise is to help you take stock of how you spend your solo time before we develop your practice of being alone.
1
SPEAKER_00
Now that you ve assessed your baseline solitude, start doing one new activity alone every week.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I want you to deliberately choose how to spend that time.
1
SPEAKER_00
Pick an activity that you ve rarely or never done by yourself before.
1
SPEAKER_00
See a movie, performance or sports event.
1
SPEAKER_00
Go to a museum.
1
SPEAKER_00
Make a reservation for dinner for one.
1
SPEAKER_00
Go to a restaurant without touching your phone.
1
SPEAKER_00
Go for a hike.
1
SPEAKER_00
Celebrate your birthday.
1
SPEAKER_00
Enjoy a major holiday.
1
SPEAKER_00
Go to a party on your own.
1
SPEAKER_00
Engage in a one-time volunteer opportunity.
1
SPEAKER_00
Take a masterclass.
1
SPEAKER_00
Try this every week for the next month.
1
SPEAKER_00
During the activity, pay attention to how you react to a new situation.
1
SPEAKER_00
Observe any intrusive thoughts that make it hard for you to be alone.
1
SPEAKER_00
Use these questions to reflect.
1
SPEAKER_00
How long does it take to feel comfortable?
1
SPEAKER_00
How different would it be if you were with another person?
1
SPEAKER_00
Are you better able to enjoy yourself alone?
1
SPEAKER_00
Do you wish there were another person here?
1
SPEAKER_00
Is it hard to know what to do with yourself?
1
SPEAKER_00
Would your opinion about the activity be influenced by a companion s reaction?
1
SPEAKER_00
Depending on the activity, are you tempted to distract yourself or engage your mind with your phone, the TV or podcasts?
1
SPEAKER_00
What do you love about the experience?
1
SPEAKER_00
What are the pros and cons of being yourself?
1
SPEAKER_00
If you can t go to dinner on your own without feeling uncomfortable, what would it take to make it more comfortable?
1
SPEAKER_00
You might discover that you like to bring a book or work assignment with you because it makes you feel engaged or productive.
1
SPEAKER_00
Having a brief, friendly conversation with the waiter might be all you need to start your solo dinner on the right foot.
1
SPEAKER_00
If you see a movie on your own and miss sharing the experience with someone, find a new way of expressing yourself to yourself.
1
SPEAKER_00
write a blog post, an online review, or a journal entry about the movie.
1
SPEAKER_00
The same is true if you take a class.
1
SPEAKER_00
Did you learn from it?
1
SPEAKER_00
What did you like?
1
SPEAKER_00
What would you have changed?
1
SPEAKER_00
Record a voice note telling yourself how you felt about the experience.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s nice to exchange opinions with someone about a movie, class, or lecture, but when you attend by yourself, you practice developing your ideas and opinions without the influence of someone else s taste.
1
SPEAKER_00
If you re unaccustomed to hiking alone, set a fun, low-pressure goal for yourself.
1
SPEAKER_00
It might be a physical goal, like making your best time on the hike, or it might be to find something that captured your attention and bring it home with you.
1
SPEAKER_00
You might set out with the goal of taking a photo you love that you can keep for yourself or post to social media.
1
SPEAKER_00
The purpose of the solo audit is to get more comfortable in your own skin.
1
SPEAKER_00
You re getting to know your preferences without leaning on someone else s priorities and goals.
1
SPEAKER_00
You re learning how to have a conversation with yourself.
1
SPEAKER_00
Solitude is the antidote to loneliness.
1
SPEAKER_00
Paul Tillich said, language has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone, and it has created the word solitude to express the glory of being alone.
1
SPEAKER_00
The difference between loneliness and solitude is the lens through which we see our time alone and how we use that time.
1
SPEAKER_00
The lens of loneliness makes us insecure and prone to bad decisions.
1
SPEAKER_00
The lens of solitude makes us open and curious.
1
SPEAKER_00
As such, solitude is the foundation on which we build our love.
1
SPEAKER_00
Solitude is not a failure to love.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s the beginning of love.
1
SPEAKER_00
During the time we spend without a sidekick, we move through the world differently, more alert to ourselves and the world.
1
SPEAKER_00
In one study, researchers gave more than 500 visitors to an art museum a special glove that reported their movement patterns along with physiological data such as their heart rates.
1
SPEAKER_00
The data showed that when people were not distracted by chatting with companions, they actually had a stronger emotional response to the art.
1
SPEAKER_00
As the researchers wrote, those who were alone were able to enter the exhibition with all of their senses open and alert to a greater degree.
1
SPEAKER_00
The participants also filled out a survey before and after their visit.
1
SPEAKER_00
Ultimately, those who came to the exhibition with a group reported their experience as less thought-provoking and emotionally stimulating than those who went alone.
1
SPEAKER_00
Of course, there s nothing wrong with chatting and letting the art slide past, but think of the inspiration those museum visitors missed out on.
1
SPEAKER_00
Then, apply that to life in general.
1
SPEAKER_00
When we surround ourselves with other people, we re not just missing out on the finer details of an art exhibition.
1
SPEAKER_00
We re missing out on the chance to reflect and understand ourselves better.
1
SPEAKER_00
In fact, studies show that if we never allow ourselves solitude, it s just plain harder for us to learn.
1
SPEAKER_00
In Flow, the Psychology of Optimal Experience, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi writes, our current research with talented teenagers shows that many fail to develop their skills not because they have cognitive deficits,
2
SPEAKER_00
but because they cannot stand being alone.
2
SPEAKER_00
His research found that young people were less likely to develop creative skills like playing an instrument or writing because the most effective practice of these abilities is often done while alone.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like those talented teenagers, when we avoid solitude, we struggle to develop our skills.
2
SPEAKER_00
The Path from Loneliness to Solitude
2
SPEAKER_00
By itself, solitude doesn t give us the skills we need for relationships.
2
SPEAKER_00
You can t just decide you re going to use solitude to understand yourself and make it so.
2
SPEAKER_00
But if we use it to get to know ourselves, there are many ways in which it prepares us for love.
2
SPEAKER_00
Remember, in a healthy relationship, you manage the intersection of two lives best if you know your own personality, values, and goals already.
2
SPEAKER_00
So as we make our way out of loneliness and into a productive use of solitude, we will explore our personality, values, and goals.
2
SPEAKER_00
There are three stages on the way from loneliness to solitude.
2
SPEAKER_00
Presence, discomfort, and confidence.
2
SPEAKER_00
Presence.
2
SPEAKER_00
The first step to making use of your solitude is being present with yourself.
2
SPEAKER_00
Even when we re not with other people, we re often busy, distracted, and distanced from our own lives.
2
SPEAKER_00
When we pay attention to how we feel and what choices we re making, we learn what we prioritize in life, our values.
2
SPEAKER_00
Those values steer how we make decisions.
2
SPEAKER_00
Being present and seeing your values gives you a sense of who you are and you get to decide if that s the person you want to be.
2
SPEAKER_00
You spend more time with yourself than anyone else in your lifetime.
2
SPEAKER_00
Take the time to appreciate your strengths and admit the areas where you need work.
2
SPEAKER_00
Then, when you enter a relationship with someone else, you ll already have a sense of what you re bringing to the table and where you could improve.
2
SPEAKER_00
We don t think about the importance of bringing self-knowledge to a relationship, but being self-aware means you can temper your weaknesses and play to your strengths.
2
SPEAKER_00
Try this.
2
SPEAKER_00
Get to know your values.
2
SPEAKER_00
Look at the choices you make in different areas of your life.
2
SPEAKER_00
Are they tied to your values or are they habits you might like to change?
2
SPEAKER_00
I ll give you some options to describe your attitude toward each element, but if none of them sound like they describe you, write down ones that do.
2
SPEAKER_00
The more specifically you know yourself, the more you can fine-tune what you love about yourself and improve the areas where you d like to change.
2
SPEAKER_00
Time choices.
2
SPEAKER_00
Social media.
2
SPEAKER_00
I like documenting my life for my friends.
2
SPEAKER_00
Social media is not my thing.
2
SPEAKER_00
I like to be in the here and now.
2
SPEAKER_00
Weekends and travel.
2
SPEAKER_00
I want to see the world.
2
SPEAKER_00
When I have free time, I just want or need to relax.
2
SPEAKER_00
Date night.
2
SPEAKER_00
I like to stay home and cook.
2
SPEAKER_00
I love a night out on the town.
2
SPEAKER_00
TV.
2
SPEAKER_00
I watch something every night.
2
SPEAKER_00
I curate my shows carefully and only stick with what I love.
2
SPEAKER_00
Punctuality.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m always on time.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m often late.
2
SPEAKER_00
Planning.
2
SPEAKER_00
I keep a calendar and stick to my plans.
2
SPEAKER_00
I don t like to be locked into commitments.
2
SPEAKER_00
Habits.
2
SPEAKER_00
Organization.
2
SPEAKER_00
I keep everything tidy, bills paid.
2
SPEAKER_00
I wish I were more organized than I am.
2
SPEAKER_00
Exercise.
2
SPEAKER_00
I like to be active or do it for health.
2
SPEAKER_00
I find it hard to motivate.
2
SPEAKER_00
Food.
2
SPEAKER_00
I eat healthily or do as best as I can.
2
SPEAKER_00
Life is short.
2
SPEAKER_00
I eat what tastes good.
2
SPEAKER_00
Sleep.
2
SPEAKER_00
I like to sleep in if possible.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m an early riser.
2
SPEAKER_00
Money.
2
SPEAKER_00
Discretionary spending.
2
SPEAKER_00
My focus is saving for the future.
2
SPEAKER_00
I spend it when I ve got it.
2
SPEAKER_00
Vacations.
2
SPEAKER_00
I enjoy extravagant trips.
2
SPEAKER_00
I travel on a budget.
2
SPEAKER_00
Home clothing car.
2
SPEAKER_00
I keep it simple.
2
SPEAKER_00
I like the finer things.
2
SPEAKER_00
Purchases.
2
SPEAKER_00
I buy things spontaneously.
2
SPEAKER_00
My purchases are carefully contemplated.
2
SPEAKER_00
Social interaction.
2
SPEAKER_00
Friends.
2
SPEAKER_00
I like spending time with lots of people.
2
SPEAKER_00
I prefer one-on-one time or to be alone.
2
SPEAKER_00
If it s the latter, you ve come to the right rule.
2
SPEAKER_00
Family.
2
SPEAKER_00
I see my family as often as I can.
2
SPEAKER_00
I only see my family when I have to.
2
SPEAKER_00
Conversation.
2
SPEAKER_00
I like to discuss all kinds of topics in detail.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m a person of few words.
2
SPEAKER_00
Once you know your values, you can make sure your partner respects them.
2
SPEAKER_00
If you don t respect each other s values, it s harder to understand each other s choices and decisions, which then can lead to confusion and conflict.
2
SPEAKER_00
If you don t have the same values, you don t have to fight about them or defend them, but you need to know your own so you can respect yourself and know theirs so you can respect them and vice versa.
2
SPEAKER_00
Discomfort.
2
SPEAKER_00
If you re not in the habit of spending time by yourself, it may feel awkward and uncomfortable at first.
2
SPEAKER_00
It can be hard to be alone with your thoughts.
2
SPEAKER_00
You might feel like you re not achieving anything or you don t know what to do with yourself.
2
SPEAKER_00
You might feel like there s no obvious benefit to it.
2
SPEAKER_00
To get used to the feeling of being alone, we must challenge ourselves.
2
SPEAKER_00
First, in the small ways I described in the solo audit, but also in larger, more immersive ways.
2
SPEAKER_00
Try this.
2
SPEAKER_00
Make use of your time alone.
2
SPEAKER_00
What s something new you want to try out?
2
SPEAKER_00
Here are three different ways you can spend time alone and use it to get to know yourself better.
2
SPEAKER_00
Choose the option that most attracts you, because part of this is learning your own preferences.
2
SPEAKER_00
Or come up with your own.
2
1.
2
SPEAKER_00
Commit to a new skill that will take weeks, months, or longer to develop.
2
SPEAKER_00
Take the singing lessons you ve always wanted, learn to roller skate, or join the quarantine throngs and finally learn how to bake sourdough.
2
SPEAKER_00
What drew you to this skill?
2
SPEAKER_00
What made you wait until now to pursue it?
2
SPEAKER_00
How does the new skill affect your confidence and self-worth?
2
SPEAKER_00
Does it fit with your image of who you are and who you want to be?
2
SPEAKER_00
It s okay to work with an instructor, such as a music teacher, if you take up a new instrument.
2
SPEAKER_00
The point is to create the opportunity to reflect in solitude on what the new activity teaches you about yourself.
2
SPEAKER_00
Two, travel alone.
2
SPEAKER_00
Learn about yourself as you plot out a weekend trip that you ll take alone.
2
SPEAKER_00
You ll learn very quickly how independent you are.
2
SPEAKER_00
This is a great activity to do especially if you re scared of being alone.
2
SPEAKER_00
Are you indecisive or decisive?
2
SPEAKER_00
Light packer or heavy packer?
2
SPEAKER_00
Mellow or active?
2
SPEAKER_00
Content or bored?
2
SPEAKER_00
Neat or messy?
2
SPEAKER_00
Organized or spontaneous?
2
SPEAKER_00
Do you have conversations in your head or is your internal experience quiet?
2
SPEAKER_00
Are you decisive or do you question your choices?
2
SPEAKER_00
Do you feel self-conscious or confident?
2
SPEAKER_00
What aspects of travel most appeal to you?
2
SPEAKER_00
Where would you like to go next?
2
SPEAKER_01
So every week on Part-Time Genius, we feed our curiosity by answering the world s most important questions.
2
SPEAKER_01
Things like, when did America start dialing 911?
2
SPEAKER_01
Is William Shatner s best
3
SPEAKER_02
acting work in Esperanto.
3
SPEAKER_02
Also, what happened to Esperanto?
3
SPEAKER_01
Plus, we cover questions like how Chinese is your Chinese food?
3
SPEAKER_01
How do dollar stores stay in business?
3
SPEAKER_01
And of course, is there an Illuminati of cheese?
3
SPEAKER_02
There absolutely is.
3
SPEAKER_02
And we are risking our lives by talking about it.
3
SPEAKER_02
But if you love mind-blowing facts, incredible history, and really bad jokes, make your brains happy and tune in to Part-Time Genius.
3
SPEAKER_01
Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
3
SPEAKER_04
Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt and we re the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
3
SPEAKER_03
It s a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
3
SPEAKER_04
like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
3
SPEAKER_03
We re back with season two of the podcast, which means more opportunities to glow up and become a more responsible and better adult, one life lesson at a time.
3
SPEAKER_04
And let me just tell you, this show is just as much for us as it is for you.
3
SPEAKER_04
So let s figure this stuff out together.
3
SPEAKER_04
This season, we re going to talk about whether or not we re financially and emotionally ready for dog ownership.
3
SPEAKER_03
We re going to figure out the benefits of a high yield savings account.
3
SPEAKER_04
And what exactly are the duties of being a member of the wedding party?
3
SPEAKER_03
All that plus so much more.
3
SPEAKER_04
Let s learn about all of it and then some.
3
SPEAKER_04
Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is hard to manage if you work full-time, but if you can swing it, try a new form of work.
3
SPEAKER_00
Volunteer at a library, sign up to drive for a rideshare service, wait tables, babysit, teach.
3
SPEAKER_00
To be clear, many of these options involve interacting with other people, but the point is that you choose it alone.
3
SPEAKER_00
You embark on it alone, and you reflect on the experience alone.
3
SPEAKER_00
What aspects of yourself are consistent no matter what you do?
3
SPEAKER_00
What do you discover about yourself?
3
SPEAKER_00
Is this a job that you ve been curious about or is it the extra money that matters most?
3
SPEAKER_00
Do you like to interact with people or to work independently?
3
SPEAKER_00
Do you prefer to be given clear instructions or to find your own way?
3
SPEAKER_00
Are you more likely to ask permission or forgiveness?
3
SPEAKER_00
Does work invigorate or exhaust you?
3
SPEAKER_00
Would you like to expand this new opportunity in your life?
3
SPEAKER_00
Knowing more about ourselves and what we enjoy helps us feel comfortable in solitude.
3
SPEAKER_00
We ll be more willing to spend time pursuing our interests without needing the safety net of a companion.
3
SPEAKER_00
The activities you choose and what you learn about yourself from those activities will expand your self-awareness and help you make the most out of the time you spend alone.
3
SPEAKER_00
Confidence Once we re comfortable in solitude, we can work on our confidence.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oxford Languages Dictionary defines confidence as a feeling of self-assurance arising from one s appreciation of one s own abilities or qualities.
3
SPEAKER_00
Confidence is important in a relationship because it helps us talk to the person we like without seeking their approval or hinging our self-esteem on their reaction.
3
SPEAKER_00
When we aren t looking for them to validate our tastes and choices, we can appreciate their kind words without being misled or distracted by them.
3
SPEAKER_00
Sometimes a lack of confidence makes us think we re not lovable.
3
SPEAKER_00
You are lovable, I promise.
3
SPEAKER_00
But having me say it doesn t help you feel it.
3
SPEAKER_00
We build confidence by making time for the things that matter to us.
3
SPEAKER_00
If there are aspects of ourselves that we don t like, we should do something to change them.
3
SPEAKER_00
We have a choice.
3
SPEAKER_00
We can either change our mindset or change what we don t like.
3
SPEAKER_00
We need to get in the habit of assessing ourselves and making efforts to improve our own lives.
3
SPEAKER_00
When most people set goals, they do so around external achievements.
3
SPEAKER_00
They want to be financially free or to buy a home.
3
SPEAKER_00
But the goals we ll develop in this exercise center on growth, not achievement.
3
SPEAKER_00
Knowing our goals helps us prepare for love.
3
SPEAKER_00
Then, when they come up in conversation with a potential partner, you can explain why they re important to you.
3
SPEAKER_00
The other person might be supportive, dismissive, or neutral.
3
SPEAKER_00
If they don t take notice, you can flag it for them, saying, this is actually an important goal of mine, and here s why.
3
SPEAKER_00
You want a partner who respects not only your goals, but why they re your goals.
3
SPEAKER_00
In a relationship, remember that until you act on your goals, your partner won t know that they are truly important to you.
3
SPEAKER_00
Sometimes you have to start executing to have full buy-in.
3
SPEAKER_00
But in either case, if we don t know what our own goals are, we have no way of knowing how well they intersect with another person s.
3
SPEAKER_00
Try this.
3
SPEAKER_00
Identify your biggest growth area.
3
SPEAKER_00
Let s take a 360-degree view of your life looking at these five areas, self, financial, mental-emotional, health, and relationships.
3
SPEAKER_00
Choose the answer that comes closest to defining your relationship with these areas of your life.
3
SPEAKER_00
When you ve completed the questions, look at where you are and think about where you want to be.
3
SPEAKER_00
Which is the area where you most want to grow?
3
SPEAKER_00
One, personality.
3
SPEAKER_00
A, I don t like myself.
3
SPEAKER_00
B, I like myself when others like me.
3
SPEAKER_00
C, I appreciate myself despite my flaws and work to improve myself.
3
SPEAKER_00
Are you okay with where you are or do you want to change?
3
SPEAKER_00
Two, emotional health.
3
SPEAKER_00
A, I often feel anxious and unsettled.
3
SPEAKER_00
B, I put aside my emotions to get stuff done.
3
SPEAKER_00
C, I understand my emotions and try to work through them.
3
SPEAKER_00
Are you okay with where you are or do you want to change?
3
SPEAKER_00
Three, physical health.
3
SPEAKER_00
A, I disregard my body or I don t like it.
3
SPEAKER_00
B, I actively work on my body because it s important to me to look good or better.
3
SPEAKER_00
C, I take care of myself and feel grateful to my body.
3
SPEAKER_00
Are you okay with where you are or do you want to change?
3
SPEAKER_00
Four, relationships.
3
SPEAKER_00
A. I m insecure about some of my relationships.
3
SPEAKER_00
B. I rely on my relationships for joy.
3
SPEAKER_00
C. I invest in my relationships to help them grow.
3
SPEAKER_00
Are you okay with where you are?
3
SPEAKER_00
Or do you want to change?
3
SPEAKER_00
Five, money.
3
SPEAKER_00
A. Thinking about money makes me feel worried and anxious.
3
SPEAKER_00
B.
3
SPEAKER_00
Thinking about money makes me feel excited and ambitious.
3
SPEAKER_00
I envy people who have more money than I do.
3
SPEAKER_00
C, thinking about money makes me feel content.
3
SPEAKER_00
If anything, I want more to give more.
3
SPEAKER_00
Are you okay with where you are or do you want to change?
3
SPEAKER_00
Say the biggest growth area you ve identified is financial.
3
SPEAKER_00
You overspend and it s always been a problem.
3
SPEAKER_00
Taking action in this area is something to focus on when you spend time with yourself.
3
SPEAKER_00
I could write an entire book on developing and achieving your goals, but a good way to start is to develop a growth plan using the three C s of transformation.
3
1.
3
SPEAKER_00
Coaching
3
SPEAKER_00
We live in a world where experts and information are easily accessible online.
3
SPEAKER_00
Start by looking for widely available resources to help you with this issue.
3
SPEAKER_00
Find a book, podcast, course, friend, professional, TED Talk, masterclass, or online video to help you.
3
SPEAKER_00
You ll find that most of these resources will help you break your goal into achievable smaller steps, bringing a challenge that once seemed insurmountable into focus.
3
2.
3
SPEAKER_00
Consistency Use the information
4
SPEAKER_00
you ve gathered to make a plan for how to address the issue in an ongoing way.
4
SPEAKER_00
Set a goal for the year s end.
4
SPEAKER_00
This goal should be tied to action items, not an achievement.
4
SPEAKER_00
That is, your goal shouldn t be make a million dollars, it should be committing to ongoing efforts that will help you grow in this area.
4
SPEAKER_00
3.
4
SPEAKER_00
Community Look for a community that might help support your efforts.
4
SPEAKER_00
There are online and local support groups for everything under the sun.
4
SPEAKER_00
Find one where there is a mix of people who are in the same position you re in.
4
SPEAKER_00
People who are in the process of making changes and people who have some measure of success in transforming their lives in the way that you wish to.
4
SPEAKER_00
decide whether you prefer a community that is motivational, informational, or a mix of the two.
4
SPEAKER_00
Who knows, you might meet your future partner there.
4
SPEAKER_00
Research shows that not only does high self-esteem create a more satisfying work life and better physical and psychological health, but it also predicts better and more satisfying romantic relationships.
4
SPEAKER_00
You may be wondering,
4
SPEAKER_00
Couldn t it be the other way around?
4
SPEAKER_00
Wouldn t having a great relationship boost my self-esteem?
4
SPEAKER_00
It s plausible, but the research says otherwise.
4
SPEAKER_00
In fact, when people with high self-esteem had a relationship that went on the rocks, their self-esteem was unaffected.
4
SPEAKER_00
They did not view the level of happiness in their relationship as a direct reflection of their self-worth.
4
SPEAKER_00
The Rewards of Solitude
4
SPEAKER_00
Once you re spending productive time in solitude, you begin to know your own personality, values, and goals.
4
SPEAKER_00
During this process, you develop qualities that prepare you for love at every stage of a relationship in several ways.
4
SPEAKER_00
One mind.
4
SPEAKER_00
We develop the ability to see and know ourselves without the influence of another mind.
4
SPEAKER_00
Frida Kahlo said, I paint self-portraits because I am so often alone.
4
SPEAKER_00
What is a self-portrait but a study of oneself, an attempt to visually portray self-awareness?
4
SPEAKER_00
Solitude allows us to understand our own complexity.
4
SPEAKER_00
We become students of ourselves.
4
SPEAKER_00
In her first apartment, my friend Mari and her roommate had an occasional problem with huge flying water bugs.
4
SPEAKER_00
I absolutely could not handle it, Mari confesses.
4
SPEAKER_00
Luckily, my roommate Ivan was a champion water bug slayer.
4
SPEAKER_00
If I came home to one, I just went out to get a drink and wait for Ivan.
4
SPEAKER_00
But then Yvonne went away for the weekend, and on Friday, the first day of her solo weekend, Mari came home to find a water bug in her room, on her pillow.
4
SPEAKER_00
I called Yvonne in a panic.
4
SPEAKER_00
She told me to whack it, but I just couldn t.
4
SPEAKER_00
So I sat there and stared at the water bug for a long time.
4
SPEAKER_00
I thought about how unfair it was that I should hate it so much when I love butterflies.
4
SPEAKER_00
and then I opened the window and used a broom to gently usher it out into the world.
4
SPEAKER_00
This was a small moment with a small creature, but Mari learned something about herself that she never would have if she continued to let Ivan handle the problem for her.
4
SPEAKER_00
When we re alone, we fully rely on ourselves, figure out what we care about and learn who we are.
4
SPEAKER_00
we learn to navigate challenges on our own.
4
SPEAKER_00
We can, of course, welcome help if it comes along, but we don t expect or depend on it.
4
SPEAKER_00
As those of you who read my first book, Think Like a Monk, may remember, one of the texts I refer to most frequently is the Bhagavad Gita.
4
SPEAKER_00
Part of the Mahabharata, which was written nearly 3000 years ago, the Bhagavad Gita is a dialogue between a warrior, Arjuna, and the god, Krishna, on the eve of a battle.
4
SPEAKER_00
This may not sound like it has much to offer modern humanity, but the Bhagavad Gita is the closest thing the Vedas have to a self-help book.
4
SPEAKER_00
In it, Krishna says, the senses are so strong and impetuous, O Arjun, that they forcibly carry away the mind even of a man of discrimination who is endeavoring to control them.
4
SPEAKER_00
In other words, if we re not careful, we can be attracted to something superficial or inauthentic.
4
SPEAKER_00
We have to train ourselves not to instantly like and trust the most attractive person in the room without remembering that we don t know this person or understand them.
4
SPEAKER_00
Solitude helps us master the senses, the mind, because in solitude we re only dealing with one mind, one set of thoughts.
4
SPEAKER_00
These days, our senses are constantly overstimulated, not just by people, but by all the unfiltered information that bombards us.
4
SPEAKER_00
Everything competes for our attention, and amid the noise, we have no chance to identify what s important.
4
SPEAKER_00
They say love is blind because when we are overwhelmed by sensory stimulation, we can t see clearly.
4
SPEAKER_00
The senses attract us to the newest, nicest, shiniest thing without giving us a chance to reflect before we make decisions.
4
SPEAKER_00
Our senses don t make the best decisions.
4
SPEAKER_00
The Bhagavad Gita says, as a strong wind sweeps away a boat on the water, even one of the roaming senses on which the mind focuses can carry away a man s intelligence.
4
SPEAKER_00
There s nothing wrong with attraction, but we re easily carried away by what looks appealing, feels good, or sounds right.
4
SPEAKER_00
In solitude, we learn to create space between sensory stimulation and decision-making.
4
SPEAKER_00
If we re constantly looking for love or constantly focused on our partner, we ll be distracted from the vital work of understanding ourselves.
4
SPEAKER_00
If we don t understand ourselves, we risk taking on the tastes and values of our partner.
4
SPEAKER_00
Their vision becomes our vision.
4
SPEAKER_00
We might choose to sign on to someone s vision because we admire it.
4
SPEAKER_00
Someone might be a skilled cook whose tutelage we gratefully accept.
4
SPEAKER_00
but we don t want to mold ourselves to someone else simply because we don t know ourselves.
4
SPEAKER_00
I ve had too many clients who don t realize until 20 years into a relationship that they ve lost touch with themselves because they ve outsourced who they are.
4
SPEAKER_00
We can integrate our partner s tastes with confidence and autonomy if we bring our own to the table.
4
SPEAKER_00
Through choices we make in solitude, we set our own standard for how we want to live and love and be loved.
4
SPEAKER_00
With the space to write our narrative from our own point of view, we gradually overcome the influence of movies, books, our parents, or caregiver s model or a partner s wishes.
4
SPEAKER_00
We clarify our vision of love.
4
SPEAKER_00
Solitude helps you recognize that there is a you before, a you during, and a you after every relationship, forging your own way even when you have company and love.
4
SPEAKER_00
Then, when our narrative intersects someone else s, we don t make choices based on infatuation or follow someone else s vision of love or passively let things play out without knowing what we want.
4
SPEAKER_00
Instead, we gradually express the standard we ve developed to see how it fits with theirs.
4
SPEAKER_00
And when we re in solitude again, we reflect and evolve.
4
SPEAKER_00
Self-control and patience.
4
SPEAKER_00
Two of the key skills we learn in solitude are self-control and patience.
4
SPEAKER_00
They re connected because the more we improve our self-control, the more patient we can be.
4
SPEAKER_00
Without these two skills, we become prone to following our senses and whatever attracts us.
4
SPEAKER_00
Self-control is the time and space you create between the moment when you re attracted to something and the moment you react to it.
4
SPEAKER_00
Buddhist teacher Rigden Shikpo writes, desire is something we project outward onto another person or object.
4
SPEAKER_00
We think it exists
5
SPEAKER_00
exists externally, within the object of our desire.
5
SPEAKER_00
But desire actually lies in our own body and mind, which is why we relate to it through the feelings it produces.
5
SPEAKER_00
When we can separate our own feeling of desire from the person we desire, we begin to feel less controlled by it, and we can take a step back and evaluate it from a more detached and less urgent place.
5
SPEAKER_00
Instead of letting your senses lead the way, the gap that you create gives you the restraint to make sure the reaction is aligned with who you want to be.
5
SPEAKER_00
That ability to restrain yourself, to create the space, is enhanced by self-knowledge.
5
SPEAKER_00
Solitude gives us time and space between attraction and reaction.
5
SPEAKER_00
We ask ourselves, is this truly healthy for me?
5
SPEAKER_00
Will this nourish me?
5
SPEAKER_00
Is this good for me in the long term?
5
SPEAKER_00
We develop the self-control to pause and ask ourselves these questions and the patience to take our time answering them.
5
SPEAKER_00
We learn the difference between what feels good and what feels nourishing.
5
SPEAKER_00
Often if something is healthy for us, it seems hard before but great after.
5
SPEAKER_00
The clearest example of this is exercise, but it extends into more complex decisions, like giving up a Saturday to help a friend move, or breaking off a relationship that you know isn t working.
5
SPEAKER_00
And that which is unhealthy for us seems great before, but doesn t pan out well.
5
SPEAKER_00
Think about how great the idea of eating a big piece of chocolate cake seems before you do it.
5
SPEAKER_00
But ultimately, it s not good for you.
5
SPEAKER_00
The same is true for more consequential decisions, like bringing a date to a wedding because you don t want to be alone, even though you know it will give them the wrong idea.
5
SPEAKER_00
A whole self.
5
SPEAKER_00
We ve been trained to look for our better half, or someone to complete us.
5
SPEAKER_00
Does that make us the worse half?
5
SPEAKER_00
Does it mean we re incomplete without a partner?
5
SPEAKER_00
Even if those phrases are said lightheartedly, they set us up for dependency on someone else that can never truly be fulfilled.
5
SPEAKER_00
We look to our partner essentially saying, I m bored, entertain me.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m tired, energize me.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m angry, make me laugh.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m frustrated, comfort me.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m unhappy, cheer me up.
5
SPEAKER_00
We treat our partners like human Advil, looking to them for instant relief.
5
SPEAKER_00
We re not entirely wrong to expect this.
5
SPEAKER_00
Partners actually do co-regulate each other.
5
SPEAKER_00
Changes in your body prompt changes in their body, and vice versa.
5
SPEAKER_00
Neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett writes, when you re with someone you care about, your breathing can synchronize, as can the beating of your hearts.
5
SPEAKER_00
This connection starts when you re a baby.
5
SPEAKER_00
Your body learns to synchronize its own rhythms by first synchronizing to your caregiver s rhythms and it continues into adulthood.
5
SPEAKER_00
But as Barrett points out, the best thing for your nervous system is another human.
5
SPEAKER_00
The worst thing for your nervous system is another human.
5
SPEAKER_00
Syncing with other people can log us into their bad vibes as well as their good ones.
5
SPEAKER_00
This is why we need to self-regulate, comforting ourselves, calming ourselves down, or pepping ourselves up.
5
SPEAKER_00
If we re always turning toward others to help us tune how we feel, we ll stay more like that infant who is incapable of self-soothing and self-supporting.
5
SPEAKER_00
When you re sad, if you re lucky, your partner will know how to make you feel better.
5
SPEAKER_00
People can and will help us, and that feels good, but it may not be what we need.
5
SPEAKER_00
If someone reassures us that everything will be okay, it s nice to hear and nice to have their love and support.
5
SPEAKER_00
But what we might really need is alone time to figure out how we can improve our situation.
5
SPEAKER_00
In solitude, we practice giving ourselves what we need before we expect it from someone else.
5
SPEAKER_00
Are you kind to yourself?
5
SPEAKER_00
Are you honest with yourself?
5
SPEAKER_00
Are you emotionally available to yourself?
5
SPEAKER_00
Are you supportive of your own efforts?
5
SPEAKER_00
You don t have to answer these questions right now.
5
SPEAKER_00
The more time you spend in solitude, the better you ll know how to answer them.
5
SPEAKER_00
People determine how to treat us in large part by observing how we treat ourselves.
5
SPEAKER_00
The way you speak about yourself affects how people will speak with you.
5
SPEAKER_00
The way you allow yourself to be spoken to reinforces what people think you deserve.
5
SPEAKER_00
A relationship with someone else won t cure your relationship with yourself.
5
SPEAKER_00
Therapy and friendships and a partner might help us understand and address the sources of our sadness, but many people still feel like their partner doesn t understand them.
5
SPEAKER_00
Our culture often encourages us to put the responsibility to unpack our feelings on someone else.
5
SPEAKER_00
We expect them to understand our emotions even if we don t.
5
SPEAKER_00
Other people can help you, but if you re not trying to understand yourself, nobody else can do it for you.
5
SPEAKER_00
We ve all had the friend who says, you re right, you re right, you re right, but you can tell they re not going to take your advice.
5
SPEAKER_00
They need to do the work themselves.
5
SPEAKER_00
Hoping a partner will solve your problems is like trying to get someone to write your term paper for you.
5
SPEAKER_00
You need to take the class, learn the material, and write the paper yourself, or you won t have learned anything.
5
SPEAKER_00
You might think, great, where is this class that will teach me how to lead a meaningful life?
5
SPEAKER_00
Sign me up.
5
SPEAKER_00
But you re already taking the class.
5
SPEAKER_00
This is what solitude is for.
5
SPEAKER_00
When you come to a relationship as a whole person, without looking for someone to complete you or to be your better half, you can truly connect and love.
5
SPEAKER_00
You know how you like to spend your time, what s important to you, and how you d like to grow.
5
SPEAKER_00
You have the self-control to wait for someone you can be happy with and the patience to appreciate someone you re already with.
5
SPEAKER_00
you realize that you can bring value to someone else s life.
5
SPEAKER_00
With this foundation, you re ready to give love without neediness or fear.
5
SPEAKER_00
Of course, relationships do heal us through connection.
5
SPEAKER_00
But you are giving yourself a head start by making the most of the time you spend in solitude.
5
SPEAKER_00
You want to go on a journey with someone, not to make them your journey.
5
SPEAKER_00
This stage of life is designed to help us learn how to love ourselves.
5
SPEAKER_00
But if you don t learn the lessons of the first ashram of love, then you won t know how lovable you are and what you have to offer.
5
SPEAKER_00
This is an everyday practice of preparing ourselves to be in a relationship while staying true to who we are.
5
SPEAKER_00
It is one of the hardest rules in this book and the most important.
5
SPEAKER_00
Any step toward knowing yourself in solitude will help you love others because in addition to knowing what you bring to the table, the very process of learning to understand and love yourself helps you understand the effort required to love someone else.
5
SPEAKER_00
The work it took to understand ourselves teaches us that even when we re with someone we care about, it will still be hard to understand them.
5
SPEAKER_00
Perhaps the most important lesson solitude offers is helping us understand our own imperfection.
5
SPEAKER_00
This prepares us to love someone else in all their beauty and imperfection.
5
SPEAKER_00
Thank you so much for listening to chapter one of my new book, Eight Rules of Love.
5
SPEAKER_00
If you enjoyed it, go and get the rest of the audiobook from eightrulesoflove.com.
5
SPEAKER_00
Thank you so much for all your support and positive energy.
5
SPEAKER_00
For those who ve already been reading and listening, I appreciate you, and I hope you re gonna pass this on to a friend as well.
5
SPEAKER_00
Thank you so much.
6
SPEAKER_01
This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol.
6
SPEAKER_01
The joy they brought to the nation.
6
SPEAKER_02
You re free completely.
6
SPEAKER_02
No one is there to destroy you.
6
SPEAKER_01
The danger they endured.
6
SPEAKER_00
They said my head should be cut off.
6
SPEAKER_01
I m John Legend.
6
SPEAKER_01
Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.