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Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt and we re the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
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It s a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
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Like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone and so much more.
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Let s learn about all of it and then some.
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Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on America s number one podcast network, iHeart.
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Open your free iHeart app and search Grown Up Stuff.
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This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol.
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The joy they brought to the nation.
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You re free completely.
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No one is there to destroy you.
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The danger they endured.
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They said my head should be cut off.
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I m John Legend.
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Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Guess what, Will?
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What s that, Mango?
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I ve been trying to write a promo for our podcast, Part-Time Genius, but even though we ve done over 250 episodes, we don t really talk about murders or cults.
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I mean, we did just cover the Illuminati of cheese, so I feel like that makes us pretty edgy.
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We also solve mysteries like how Chinese is your Chinese food and how do dollar stores make money?
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And then, of course, can you game a dog show?
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So what you re saying is everyone should be listening.
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Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
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My husband called.
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I said, what s going on?
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He goes, you have to get up.
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Your mother s been shot.
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What do you mean she s been shot?
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Everything that I had known for 53 years, I felt that it was just pulled out from underneath.
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Filmmaker, activist, and former U.S.
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ambassador, this is her new book.
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Nicole Avott.
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Thank you.
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Forgiveness for me was I am casting these burdens of anger and shame and doubt and disappointment and fury because I was furious.
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If I hold on to these feelings, I m going to sink myself.
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Before we jump into this episode, I d like to invite you to join this community to hear more interviews that will help you become happier, healthier and more healed.
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All I want you to do is click on the subscribe button.
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I love your support.
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It s incredible to see all your comments and we re just getting started.
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I can t wait to go on this journey with you.
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Thank you so much for subscribing.
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It means the world to me.
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Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world.
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Thanks to each and every one of you who come back every week to become happier, healthier, and more healed.
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And I m so grateful because on this platform, I get to sit down with people with remarkable stories, incredible experiences, people who ve been through challenges and hardships that we can all relate to, and hopefully,
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extract lessons, principles, blessings, and insights from so that we too can help heal our hearts and lives.
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Today s guest is a dear friend, someone who I have connected with at really special moments
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And someone that I m really excited to share her story, her love, her work with you today, I m speaking about Ambassador Nicole Avant, who served as the 13th U.S.
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Ambassador to the Bahamas after being nominated by President Obama and unanimously confirmed by the U.S.
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Senate, becoming the youngest as well as the first African-American woman to hold the position.
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Today we re talking about her new book that s out called Think You ll Be Happy, moving through grief with grit, grace, and gratitude.
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And Nicole kindly allowed my testimonial to be here, so you know how much I endorse this book.
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I recommend a lot of books, but this is a book that I ve realized I needed more in my life.
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because of how many people I have in my life that are losing people that they love.
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And I now finally have the book to encourage people to read and receive in their life, to know how to honor the people they love.
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Please welcome to On Purpose, Nicole Levant.
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Nicole, thank you.
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Thank you.
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For being here.
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Beautiful introduction.
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I m very honored.
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Thank you.
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No, it s from the heart.
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So happy to be here.
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No, Nicole, I mean what I said, and I was just saying it to you a few moments ago, and I wanted to repeat it for my community.
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I m so grateful you wrote this book, because honoring the people that we love, remembering what they taught us, what we gained from them, and then passing it on
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is without a doubt one of the greatest acts of service that we could possibly ever do not just to that individual but to humanity and i was so touched not only by you sharing this with me earlier when the writing process was happening
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but you trusting me to be a part of this journey with you because it s so deeply important to you and it s so deeply intimate and close to you.
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And so I couldn t be more thankful and grateful.
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So thank you so much.
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Well, thank you for taking the time while you were on your book tour and I m sending you first draft, second draft.
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Jay, what do you think about this?
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And you took the time to read it.
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And again, that is a part of showing up for people.
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which I ve been talking about, about this book of, you know, my mom really, her, her superpower was really showing up for people.
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And I think we re all forgetting, I think when we all like things on Instagram and all this, that that s showing up for someone, but that s, you know, the icing of showing up, but the cake of showing up, of really taking the time out for somebody, whether you feel like it or not,
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whether you have time or not, but it s honoring somebody else s soul.
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Because not all of us are on the same soul journey.
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We re not all going through the same thing at the same time.
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And so I thank you for giving me the encouragement to keep writing and to finally get this book done.
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Absolutely.
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And it feels great.
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I know, I m so glad that we re finally here.
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Yes, I know.
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And Nicole, I want to take a moment before I dive in, I have so many questions I want to ask you today and so many questions I m excited to ask you, but I want to say a big thank you because people show up in our lives in different ways and towards the early stages of my career I was
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uh wonderfully invited by jennifer aniston to her home to give a short presentation and you were in the audience that day it was only a small group of people and we instantly connected and i remember your enthusiasm for my work and your energy for my work
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was so reassuring you showed up for me without even knowing it maybe but it was so beautiful to have such a real interaction you know you can have people say that was wonderful that was nice but when when you were sharing your thoughts and your feedback and the energy i felt from your words was so
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deeply encouraging when I probably needed them most.
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So I just want to thank you for showing up.
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I m happy to hear that.
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I remember, I remember sitting where, I remember exactly where I was sitting and then standing and I remember affirming you the whole time, like nodding up and down, because that was, it was a small group, but it was an intimidating group of people to be in front of.
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And you were fantastic.
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And what I thought in that moment was, finally, somebody is really coming out and talking about the human spirit.
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and the soul and our energy and who we really are as people as just not what we do, but who we are.
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And I think that conversation has been missing in society.
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And I was so happy
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that it was you.
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And I thought it was perfect.
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I said, this is exactly what we need.
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And I was not surprised by everything that has happened for you.
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I said, of course this happened, you know, and even my husband, Ted, when I told him I was coming on the podcast, he said,
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Isn t it phenomenal?
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Think about it, how you started this journey with Jay before he even put out anything and look at him.
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I mean, you re all over the world.
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You re helping heal people.
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You re helping souls repair, which I think a lot of us forget that our souls on our soul journey are gonna need to go into repair sometimes.
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And none of us wanna go into repair, but there s no way you re gonna be on the earth.
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and not have to go into repair sometimes.
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We just, you know, we just do like, and I say to people, how are you doing after this?
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I m in repair.
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I m in repair.
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I am allowing my friends to heal me, life to heal me, circumstances to heal me, but I am in repair.
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We have to make it okay to be able to say and own I m in repair.
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I m still going to show up, but I m in repair.
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What a beautiful way of putting it.
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Nicole, I want to dive in and I want to start by asking you, what is your earliest childhood memory or your most memorable experience as a child that you think has defined who you are today?
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Well, there s a couple of things.
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One, my mom was very open to various scriptures around the world.
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So it didn t matter if it was a Hindu scripture or Buddhist scripture, whatever it was, Christian scripture, she loved the idea of
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understanding energy, your thoughts, your words, and everything, how it helps create and shape your reality.
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And I remember specifically, there was one time my godfather Quincy gave me a book and it was called Creative Visualization.
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Now, granted, I was older at this time.
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I wasn t a child.
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But I m just going to this right now.
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It was everything my mom had said, but I found it on paper and someone was saying no.
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And then I started doing it.
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I started saying, OK, if I really say this all the time, this is going to happen.
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But I did notice my energy shift.
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And I did start to understand how the universe works.
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No, we can t control every single situation.
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We are in control of how we respond to it.
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I think one of the earliest things that I learned, the most important life lesson was that we re all here to share our blessings.
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I learned that firsthand as a young child.
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I realized with all these people, yes, they might ve been very successful and very famous, but the difference with the group that I had was that it was never about them.
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It was always about how are we gonna move people forward?
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We have this door that has been opened for us.
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And our job is to make sure we keep the door open for other people.
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And the power that I got from that was there is such a power in helping people get to where they want to be, help them on their soul evolution.
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And that has to do with being unselfish.
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and aware and focused on progress, moving energy forward and not staying stagnant and not feeling that, oh, if Jay gets this or so-and-so gets this, then I m going to get nothing.
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No, the lesson I learned was there is enough to go around for everybody because everybody is on a different soul path.
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and everybody has their own mission.
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No one can take it away from any of us.
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No one, they can try to come in and steer you off course, but Jay Shetty is Jay Shetty in this lifetime.
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There is no other Jay Shetty.
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There is no other Nicole Amon.
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There s one of all of us and we get to do what we choose to do.
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to do.
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And who we want to be is even more important than what we do, but who we want to be on this planet.
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What do we want people to say?
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Because believe me, another thing I ve learned now after my parents have gone is, you know, everyone says, you know, you don t take anything with you.
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We know that technically, but when you really see it, I have everything.
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Everything s still there.
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My parents didn t take one possession with them.
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But the beauty is, is that everybody, they left their character.
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They left their stamp on humanity.
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People smile when they hear their names.
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People say, thank you.
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People write me letters about how they changed their lives.
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So all of this comes into the lesson that I learned is that everyone s significant and everyone s energy can help each other move to where we need to be.
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Yeah, those famous words again, which we ve heard many times, but you ve experienced this and you feel it.
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And I want to talk about some of the honorings that you received for your parents, but
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Maya Angelou said that people will forget what you did, people will forget what you said, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
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100%.
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And we say this, we repeat it, you see it on Instagram, but then you ve probably experienced that very deeply that people have not forgotten how your parents made them feel.
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That s exactly it, how they made them feel.
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And it s through the small actions.
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It s the note, it s the phone call, it s the text, it s the email.
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I m checking in on you.
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I want you to know I love you.
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I ve been thinking about you.
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These are all things that I ve had to relearn of, oh, this is important.
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It s not just about me and my feelings and what I m going through.
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I have people that I m on my journey with that need check-ins, that I need to say, hey, I m just thinking about you.
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I know you re traveling and I know things are going well in your life, but I just wanted you to know I m thinking about you.
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Those little things mean everything.
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They mean everything.
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Cause you re not alone.
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And, and you want to feel as if you are important to somebody.
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You want to feel that you re significant.
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You want to feel that you re seen, you know, you want to feel that someone you want to, that feeling of being loved changes everything.
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That s what we re yearning for.
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All of us.
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For everyone who doesn t know, I d love to give them the background so we can really go deep into this conversation.
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You start this book by, and I m reading from the book, you receive this news.
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Love, you ve got to get up, get dressed, and get the cedars.
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Your mom s been shot.
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I mean, every time I read that line, as someone who didn t know your family, every time I read that line, I just,
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only could put myself in those shoes to even try to imagine what that would feel like to hear, don t have, you can t, you can t, it s something that you ve either been through or you haven t.
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And so you can t fully empathize, you can t fully understand, you can t, no matter how hard you try, I cannot imagine how difficult that is.
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Walk us through that moment so that our audience can come with you on this journey as we extrapolate it after it.
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So my husband had called me, it was early in the morning around 2.30, and my phone had been ringing and I didn t hear it.
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My brother had been calling.
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And then, you know how your intuition gets you up.
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Something told me to get up and I just happened to roll over.
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I looked at my phone, I see all these missed calls from Alex.
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And thank God, I was looking at my phone because my husband called again.
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And Teddy said those words, love, I m so sorry, you have to get up.
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I said, what s going on?
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He goes, you have to get up.
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Your mother s been shot.
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You have to get to Cedars.
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I m like, what do you mean she s been shot?
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What are you talking about?
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So then I m thinking, oh, it must be 8 o clock at night.
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From that moment, I went into a whole different sphere almost.
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I just didn t know where I was.
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And I said, what are you talking about?
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Where was she?
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And I was asking Teddy all these questions.
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And he said, Nicole, you have to get to the hospital.
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I don t have any answers.
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I just got this call.
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I ll meet you there.
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And thank God he was in Los Angeles.
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He was on a work retreat, but he wasn t far.
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Jay, I froze.
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My knees buckled a little bit.
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And then my heart rate just starts going.
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And I m thinking, wait, what?
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And I remember, you know, our dogs sleep in the room and I m looking at these two sweet souls and they, you know, dogs pick up on everything.
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So they immediately jump on me, kissing me, licking me.
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And I just remember getting dressed quickly, getting dog food out, feeding the dogs, leaving the door open for them, going out the back.
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My life changed.
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I knew whatever the outcome was at the hospital, that my life had changed forever.
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That if my mom survived this, which I was praying for, that she was 81 when this happened.
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that, okay, this is so traumatic that I don t know if she s going to be able to function emotionally after this or anything.
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So I m driving and I m on my way to the hospital and I m, you know, everything s energy to me and I have all green lights.
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And the last one I remember I was turning right on San Vicente and it started flickering.
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And I just started for myself, I just started talking.
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I said, mom, mom, if you can hear me, I don t know what s happened.
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I know you ve been shot.
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I don t know by whom, I don t know where, I don t know anything, but I m on my way.
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And I don t know how hard you re fighting or what happened, but you don t have to come back if you can t, you know, I just, all these thoughts just, and I, and I remember saying, I ll take, I ll, I ll take care of dad.
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I ll take care of everything.
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I think I was saying that, Jay, because I, she always did that for everybody else.
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And so there was just this new energy flowing through me and I don t even know what I was talking about, but it was keeping me sane because I had to, you know, I could, I didn t know where to park.
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I was in the wrong building.
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I was so discombobulated.
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I didn t know what was happening.
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You know, I got to the hospital and I was with my family and we waited.
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And unfortunately, I mean, God bless her.
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She was 81.
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You know, somebody had broken into her house and she happened to be up.
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So she they encountered each other, completely opposite souls, completely.
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But she made it to the hospital, which I love about my mother.
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Of course she did.
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Shot in the back, you know, with a rifle.
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And she made 81 and makes it to the hospital.
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And she just didn t make it through surgery.
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everything that I had known for 53 years was just, I felt that it was just pulled out from under me.
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But then I became her.
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I decided, okay, I m, what would Jackie do?
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You know, and I started delegating.
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That s, I went into that mode, but the shock and the trauma and the stress and the fear
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I mean, I had, there were veins I didn t even know I had because they were all, it s just, it s amazing with the body how it responds to trauma.
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And then I just decided that day, okay, I have to decide who I want to be in this moment versus what I want to
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do because I kept saying, okay, I m going to do this.
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I have to do this.
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I m going to do this.
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And then I looked at myself in the mirror when I got home from the hospital and I said, no, no, no, Nicole, who do you want to be?
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in this time, in this trial, because now here s a trial.
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And this trial is here, who do you want to be?
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And I just looked at myself and I said, okay, I want to be as courageous as possible.
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I want to be as peaceful as possible.
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And I want to be as helpful as possible.
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And I just went downstairs as that woman.
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tended to my father, you know, the police officers are at the house, detectives are at the house.
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It was like out of like a CSI, you know, TV show.
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Oh my goodness.
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You know how we all say one day at a time.
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I tried that.
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I was like, this is not one day at a time.
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This is one minute at a time.
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This is, okay, Nicole, every five minutes you re going to check in on yourself.
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Let s just, and so I knew I can get through one minute at a time or five minutes at a time.
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But when I said tomorrow I ll be better, my whole body was like, no, no, no, I m not going to, we can t live till tomorrow.
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Wow.
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That s how heavy the pain was.
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It was too much shock.
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It was an energy that I d never experienced before because it was such a cruel energy on such a deep level and a violent energy that I had never experienced it.
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So I found myself in new territory.
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I ve never heard it put that well in terms of how heavy it can be.
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And this idea that we say one day at a time, I really hope that anyone and everyone who s listening right now who is going through their own version, their own path of this sort of pain is able to simplify it to one minute at a time, one moment at a time.
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So I already deeply appreciate that.
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How do you think you had
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this ability and i m i m assuming or guessing that it also came from your mom that you could go upstairs and say i m going to be courageous i want to be peaceful i want to be helpful like those three words are not
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accidental, they are very intentional, powerful, special words, courageous, peaceful, and helpful.
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How did you find that clarity so quickly, which could have taken months or even years?
2
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Thank God it was my mom.
2
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My mom was a big believer in vibration, and she d always used to say, you know, your soul emits energy, and you have to think of yourself as a radio tower.
2
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And you have to think of yourself as a, you know, as a station on the radio or a channel on the TV, because, you know, as long as you change the channels, you ll get different vibrations.
2
SPEAKER_00
We all see that.
2
SPEAKER_00
So what are you tuning into?
2
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She d always say to me, what are you tuning into in your mind?
2
SPEAKER_00
What are you tuning into?
2
SPEAKER_00
But she thought those, those three words are from her.
2
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She always wanted to be courageous and helpful and kind.
2
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And those were always her intentions of how she was going to show up in the world.
2
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And it s interesting because she used to say to me, courage isn t not being afraid.
2
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It s being afraid and you do it anyway.
2
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You do it anyway.
2
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You do the thing you re afraid of while you re afraid, and that s when you re courageous.
2
SPEAKER_00
And it s so true.
2
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So I just decided, okay, I have no idea what s happening, and I m very afraid, but I m not going to turn my back to it.
2
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I m going to go through it.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m not going to necessarily get through this.
2
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I never put that pressure, but I am going to walk through this season.
2
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I am going to walk through this challenge with as much grace as possible.
2
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To the best of your ability.
2
SPEAKER_01
And thank you so much for recounting that for our audience.
2
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And of course, as I ve said to everyone, I highly recommend you get this book because not only is it, of course, Nicole s story, I feel what Nicole does exceptionally well is,
2
SPEAKER_01
through and you can tell already from the way she speaks and for those of you listening and watching.
2
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Nicole, you have this way of bringing us on this journey with you, but also giving us these steps and insights along the way of how to honor people that we love, how to learn from them, how to, just what you just said now, like, I think this idea of becoming and being the people we lose is the most beautiful way for them to continue to live with us and through us and live on.
2
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Yeah, I listened to part of another healing step for me was listening to her favorite music.
2
SPEAKER_00
Every day I thought, okay, what did mom love?
2
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What music did she love?
2
SPEAKER_00
What flowers did she love?
2
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Anything that she loved, I put around me if I could.
2
SPEAKER_00
So the orchids that she loved, the certain color that she loved, I ordered them and made sure I looked at them every day because when I looked at them, it reminded me of her and I smiled.
2
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And it helped heal my heart, you know, and listening to the music because music was so healing and it is so healing.
2
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And so I listened to all her, you know, she loved Johnny Mathis and she loved the Commodores and the Bee Gees and she loved really like Gordon Lightfoot.
2
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She loved really easy, kind music.
2
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And it did help me become more of her.
2
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It was really helpful.
2
SPEAKER_00
And a lot of rituals, you know, she loved taking baths.
2
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My mom loved that.
2
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And my mom was always, get the magnesium, get the salt, get whatever.
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It doesn t have to be fancy.
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Get in the water.
2
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You know, she was such a Pisces and I m born on her birthday.
2
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So she was always, you know, take a bath, soak it out, you know, talking.
2
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And I started doing those things.
2
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So at night I would take a bath and I started to talk to her as if she was there, as if I could hear her, even if I couldn t, I didn t need to hear anything.
2
SPEAKER_00
And it wasn t even about so much feeling anything, but I needed to express myself
2
SPEAKER_00
And it was very healing for me to act as if she was listening and that she could hear me, whether she could or not.
2
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It was the act of doing it for myself, which was very healing.
2
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That s so reassuring to hear.
2
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I was speaking to a friend the other day about their loss and they lost a parent very recently.
2
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And I recommended your book because I really, really do believe that
2
SPEAKER_01
is my go-to recommendation when people have this experience.
2
SPEAKER_01
And they were talking to me, they said, you know, if my mom was here right now, she d laugh at this and she d do this.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I was like, that s it.
2
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I was like, you know, and it s wonderful hearing from you.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like, I was like, that s it.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like, you know,
2
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how your mom would respond to what you would say.
2
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Absolutely.
2
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Like you know that when you love someone so deeply.
2
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And so that doesn t have to disappear.
2
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Never has to go away.
2
SPEAKER_00
And it doesn t have to stop.
2
SPEAKER_00
No, it does not.
2
SPEAKER_00
That s a really good point.
2
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It does not have to stop.
2
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It changes form.
2
SPEAKER_00
The energy changes form, but the energy is there.
2
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We re spirits in the material world.
2
SPEAKER_00
So if we re spirits in the material world and everything is everlasting and the soul never dies, and we all know that if you believe that, then
2
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Yes, she s in a different form, but she s still around and her energy is with me.
2
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I feel her now stronger than I ever did before.
2
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I really do.
2
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I really feel her presence much stronger.
2
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And even writing the book because, you know, she wanted to be a book editor.
2
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And there were certain drafts I was doing and I just put the pen down.
2
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And there was one night and I had a dream and it was, I just saw her red nails typing on the typewriter.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I had asked myself before I went to sleep, I wonder if I should change that paragraph, rewrite it and move it up.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I took it as a sign, which I did, and I did move the paragraph.
2
SPEAKER_00
But as soon as I saw her nails, her fingernails on the keypad,
2
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I went, thank you, mom.
2
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I m going to move that.
2
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Thank you for editing.
2
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You re still editing in my life.
2
SPEAKER_00
You are still working.
2
SPEAKER_00
And it s just a different form of energy.
2
SPEAKER_00
And my girlfriend wrote me a beautiful letter and she said, remember,
2
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The best way to honor anyone you ve loved, but especially your parents, is to live a full, significant life.
2
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You owe them a life.
2
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That s the only thing you owe them, is to live, because that is the best way to honor them, is if they ve taught you great things and given you great lessons and given you tools,
2
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go on and carry the baton.
2
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And even for the ones who don t, let s say you don t have parents that were good to you because that happens.
2
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And you don t have parents that show up for you.
2
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You can choose to be different than they were and show up as a completely different type of human being in the world.
2
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I ve seen it.
2
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You ve seen it.
2
SPEAKER_00
I ve seen, I ve heard about, I ve heard horrific stories about abuse and trauma and neglect.
2
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And these young people have chosen to be very different from what they receive from their parents.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I have such respect for that, because that s hard.
2
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It s hard to carry on a memory if your memories are terrible.
2
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And when that happens, then your job now is to, I have to create new memories.
2
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Yes.
2
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Yeah.
2
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People by their actions are either showing us how to live or how not to live.
2
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Or how not to live.
3
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And I can definitely identify with that with the home I grew up in.
3
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I was just taking notes my whole life of how not to be a dad, how not to be a husband, how not to be a person in the workplace, how not to be a family member.
3
SPEAKER_04
Especially in the workplace.
3
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
3
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I mean, yeah, I had, I had people around me all the time where I would say, Ooh, okay.
3
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So when I,
3
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when I m older and I m working and I have this position, I m definitely not going to be like that.
3
SPEAKER_04
And then there were certain people where I d take notes and I d say, I want to be just like Carol.
3
SPEAKER_04
She s great.
3
SPEAKER_04
She s so helpful.
3
SPEAKER_04
She s so patient.
3
SPEAKER_04
She s so, you know, and then serving.
3
SPEAKER_04
I mean, I was a waitress for a long time.
3
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My parents had me work, you know, since I was 10 and 13 and just on and on and on.
3
SPEAKER_04
I sold shoes.
3
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I worked at a dry cleaner.
3
SPEAKER_04
I did the, my mom would say, I m throwing you into these experiences because to your point, people will show you who they are.
3
SPEAKER_04
And you can learn how you want to be, but the only way you do that is when you re in interaction with others.
3
SPEAKER_04
And gosh, especially serving people.
3
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I saw the best of people and I saw the worst of people.
3
SPEAKER_04
I was either completely just non-existent or somebody took the time to be really kind and smile at me and ask me how I was.
3
SPEAKER_04
And so you become very sensitive to it.
3
SPEAKER_05
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_04
You know, and Tony and Sarah, you know, my, my stepkids with Ted, they, they re the same Sarah.
3
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I threw her into waitressing and she said, my gosh, some people don t even see me.
3
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I m nobody to them.
3
SPEAKER_04
And I said, now, you know, and now she s very sensitive as a young adult.
3
SPEAKER_04
When we go to restaurants, did you make sure you tip this?
3
SPEAKER_04
Did you make sure she looks at the waiters, the waiters all the time.
3
SPEAKER_04
She looks at every server.
3
SPEAKER_04
How are you?
3
SPEAKER_04
How was your day?
3
SPEAKER_04
How are you?
3
SPEAKER_04
I mean, she s so engaged, but to your point, because she s experienced.
3
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the opposite.
3
SPEAKER_04
And she took notes.
3
SPEAKER_03
I don t want to be like that.
3
SPEAKER_05
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
A new season of Bridgerton is here.
3
SPEAKER_03
And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
3
SPEAKER_03
I m your host, Gabrielle Collins.
3
SPEAKER_03
And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the ton.
3
SPEAKER_03
Colin Bridgerton has returned from his travels abroad.
3
SPEAKER_03
Is Betrothal written in the stars for the eligible bachelor?
3
SPEAKER_03
Meanwhile, the ton is reverberating with speculation of who holds Lady Whistledown s pen.
3
SPEAKER_03
We re discussing it all.
3
SPEAKER_03
I sit down with Nicola Coughlin, Luke Newton, Shonda Rhimes, and more to offer an exclusive peek behind the scenes of each episode of the new season.
3
SPEAKER_03
Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
3
SPEAKER_03
Then, fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast,
3
SPEAKER_03
on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
3
SPEAKER_03
Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.
3
SPEAKER_01
Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt and we re the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
3
SPEAKER_02
It s a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
3
SPEAKER_01
like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
3
SPEAKER_02
We re back with season two of the podcast, which means more opportunities to glow up and become a more responsible and better adult, one life lesson at a time.
3
SPEAKER_01
And let me just tell you, this show is just as much for us as it is for you.
3
SPEAKER_01
So let s figure this stuff out together.
3
SPEAKER_01
This season, we re going to talk about whether or not we re financially and emotionally ready for dog ownership.
3
SPEAKER_02
We re going to figure out the benefits of a high yield savings account.
3
SPEAKER_01
And what exactly are the duties of being a member of the wedding party?
3
SPEAKER_02
All that plus so much more.
3
SPEAKER_01
Let s learn about all of it and then some.
3
SPEAKER_01
Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
3
SPEAKER_00
When the Taliban banned music in Afghanistan, millions were plunged into silence.
3
SPEAKER_00
Radios were smashed.
3
SPEAKER_00
Cassettes burned.
3
SPEAKER_00
You could be beaten or jailed or killed for breaking the rules.
3
SPEAKER_00
And yet, Afghans did it anyway.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol.
3
SPEAKER_00
The danger they endured.
3
SPEAKER_04
They said my head should be cut off.
3
SPEAKER_00
The joy they brought to the nation.
3
SPEAKER_04
You re free completely.
3
SPEAKER_04
No one is there to destroy you.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m John Legend.
3
SPEAKER_00
Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
3
SPEAKER_05
So beautiful.
3
SPEAKER_05
I was reminded as you were talking about, you said this beautiful statement of, you know, we re spirits in the material world having this experience and therefore energy lives on.
3
SPEAKER_05
And there s this beautiful message that you receive.
3
SPEAKER_05
You say, I m reading from your book, if you don t mind, if that s okay.
3
SPEAKER_05
So this is page 53 for those who are reading along with us and think you ll be happy.
3
SPEAKER_05
You say, a few days after my mother died, Pharrell Williams called.
3
SPEAKER_05
He s like a brother to me.
3
SPEAKER_05
He s family.
3
SPEAKER_05
And he says, we re going to celebrate your mom, he said.
3
SPEAKER_05
We re going to celebrate her legacy.
3
SPEAKER_05
She s a big deal, and we re not going to let anyone forget her.
3
SPEAKER_05
She created a life worth talking about.
3
SPEAKER_05
Do you realize that hundreds of thousands of babies were born around the world the day she passed over?
3
SPEAKER_05
There are 140 million a year all around the world.
3
SPEAKER_05
Life is always continuing.
3
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Nicole, and you must continue her life by living yours to the fullest. 
3
SPEAKER_05
And he concluded, God is still the greatest.
3
SPEAKER_05
And you said that Pharrell says this all the time through good or bad times, and he s right.
3
SPEAKER_05
God is still the greatest.
3
SPEAKER_05
What I find really unique about your journey, Nicole, as well, is that you are able to keep and strengthen your faith in your own spirituality in the way you practice it at a time when it s very natural.
3
SPEAKER_05
And I would never judge anyone if it would actually veer them away.
3
SPEAKER_04
Right.
3
SPEAKER_04
And just say, no.
3
SPEAKER_04
No, exactly.
3
SPEAKER_04
No.
3
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_04
What do you mean?
3
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, what do you mean?
3
SPEAKER_04
Like, it s over.
3
SPEAKER_04
I ve been so good and I ve had so much faith and how can this happen?
3
SPEAKER_04
You know, and as I say in the book, it s like, why not us?
3
SPEAKER_04
Tragedies and trials and everything, it happens to, you know, as it says in scripture, it rains on the just and it rains on the unjust.
3
SPEAKER_04
It s everyone kind of gets hammered.
3
SPEAKER_04
But it goes to the power of choice for me.
3
SPEAKER_04
And the reason that I grew stronger in my faith as opposed to leaving it is because I really do believe that the universe has kind of laid it all out.
3
SPEAKER_04
Life has laid it out.
3
SPEAKER_04
Various scripture, you know, your Buddhist script, everything is laid it out, which says, here it is.
3
SPEAKER_04
you re on this earth and kind of here s how you play this game.
3
SPEAKER_04
But these things, we re not going to lie, these things will show up.
3
SPEAKER_04
But the power of free will, which my mom always reminded me about, is that, you know, listen, we as human beings do have free will.
3
SPEAKER_04
We have the freedom to choose how we re going to live, choose how we re going to think, as opposed to any other animal.
3
SPEAKER_04
You know, they don t have the power of imagination and choice.
3
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We do.
3
SPEAKER_04
So to blame the creator for the choices that people make is not something that I wanted to subscribe to.
3
SPEAKER_04
I was like, I m not even going there.
3
SPEAKER_04
People make choices all the time.
3
SPEAKER_04
I see it every day.
3
SPEAKER_04
We all do.
3
SPEAKER_04
People who ve had the worst childhoods make great choices, have great lives.
3
SPEAKER_04
I ve seen people who I grew up with in a very affluent neighborhood make the worst choices.
3
SPEAKER_04
and it had nothing to do with their environment.
3
SPEAKER_04
It was their choice.
3
SPEAKER_04
So I wanted to stay, my faith for me really was believing in something that is so much bigger and greater than me that, you know, swing, you know, the stars come out at night.
3
SPEAKER_04
I m not in control of that.
3
SPEAKER_04
The earth is spinning.
3
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That s not my power.
3
SPEAKER_04
You know, the birds wake up every morning, the sun is up, the sun goes down.
3
SPEAKER_04
That s a power that is, yes, I m a part of that and I m connected to it, but I did, I m not the creator.
3
SPEAKER_04
And so
3
SPEAKER_04
I just decided to lean in more with that power and just say, okay, I accept this.
3
SPEAKER_04
I don t understand it.
3
SPEAKER_04
I may never understand it.
3
SPEAKER_04
but I still do love life.
3
SPEAKER_04
And I still do believe in life and the goodness of people and the goodness of life.
3
SPEAKER_04
And I don t wanna get bitter.
3
SPEAKER_04
That was my main, Jay, I was so afraid of becoming a bitter person and I could feel the root.
3
SPEAKER_04
I could feel it starting.
3
SPEAKER_04
And I was like, no, no, no, no, I gotta get rid of this.
3
SPEAKER_04
And that s where I just went into,
3
SPEAKER_04
The forgiveness of not condoning the behavior, not saying, oh, it s okay that this happened, or making an excuse.
3
SPEAKER_04
Forgiveness for me was I am casting this burden or these burdens of
4
SPEAKER_01
anger and shame and doubt and disappointment and frustration and fury because I was furious.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I thought, but if I hold on to these feelings, I m going to sink myself.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I m not giving anyone the power to take me out.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m not doing that.
4
SPEAKER_01
So I m going to stand in my faith.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m going to believe in what I believe in.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m going to believe in life.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I am going to, I choose to believe that things will get better.
4
SPEAKER_01
I don t know when, and I don t know how I didn t care, but I knew that they would.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I believe, and I m a big believer in tomorrow.
4
SPEAKER_01
I love tomorrow.
4
SPEAKER_01
I do, I really do.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m always thinking, okay, because if I don t get it right, I m like, oh, there s always tomorrow.
4
SPEAKER_01
And it keeps me hopeful.
4
SPEAKER_01
Tomorrow keeps me hopeful.
4
SPEAKER_01
I don t try to stay out of the present, but I do look forward.
4
SPEAKER_01
My mom always used to say, you have to have something to look forward to.
4
SPEAKER_01
Because otherwise, if you don t train your mind to, and I d say, well, I have nothing coming up that I m looking forward to.
4
SPEAKER_01
And she used to say, make it up.
4
SPEAKER_01
Make it up.
4
SPEAKER_01
Pretend you have some parking.
4
SPEAKER_01
Pretend you have some, whatever it is, that s something that s going to make your heart smile because we can all fall into despair very quickly.
4
SPEAKER_00
I love that, that just brought a massive smile to my face.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s so beautiful how someone s energy and spirit can be so big that it can truly live on and truly be felt and shared.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, there s this beautiful line that you share from your friend Penny, who says, grief is the receipt from the universe showing that you loved someone or something and loved them very deeply.
4
SPEAKER_01
Isn t that the best?
4
SPEAKER_01
When she reminded me of that, I said, okay, wait, say it again.
4
SPEAKER_01
I have to write this down.
4
SPEAKER_01
Say it again.
4
SPEAKER_01
That is so good.
4
SPEAKER_01
But she said, baby, that s what it is.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s a receipt.
4
SPEAKER_01
And it could be a mother, a father, a sister, a brother, a dog, cat, whatever.
4
SPEAKER_01
Something that you love that is no longer there, that has changed form.
4
SPEAKER_01
Even if it s the most peaceful transition, the grief is proof that you loved.
4
SPEAKER_01
You know, the grief is most of the time, and there s a lot of grief also where there s regrets and all that.
4
SPEAKER_01
I understand that.
4
SPEAKER_01
I, and I respect all forms of grief, but it is, it s a receipt.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, a receipt that you loved and you were loved.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I was loved.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, deeply, very deeply.
4
SPEAKER_00
This one line in the book, you really, I just felt it was perspective shifting in a way that, oh, I just, I just feel like that statement, just like, you know, you just embodied and captured everything.
4
SPEAKER_00
And you said that even though your mother s death was shocking,
4
SPEAKER_00
her life was beautiful.
4
SPEAKER_00
So imagine, even though the end was so terrible, her life was beautiful, and that s what you re celebrating, that s what you re putting emphasis and focus and your light on.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I find that s very difficult, because when we lose someone, it s so easy and natural again and normal, and that s when it s normal for us to obsess over how we lost someone and how we left them, which is the shortest amount of time we actually experience them, mostly.
4
SPEAKER_00
But we have all of this time, but the brain and our memory and our mind is so good at just fixating on the end.
4
SPEAKER_01
The end and not the life.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
And not the life.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I had to get to the and.
4
SPEAKER_01
So I used to say, but, but, but, and then I realized, wait, I can have both.
4
SPEAKER_01
This is shocking and terrible and hurtful.
4
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And
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I m going to celebrate her life, and I m going to think of the good times, and I m going to try and think of all the great memories that ll bring a smile to my face.
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So it was no longer a but.
4
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And once I changed but to and, I didn t have to choose which one.
4
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I was going to do both and move through life with the shock and the trauma and the stress and the beauty of her life, the beauty of how she lived,
4
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the energy of what she gave.
4
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So I was, I was moving with all energies.
4
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And it was only until I shifted because I was definitely in the, but this happened.
4
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So I don t know how I could ever smile again, but this happened and it was so tragic.
4
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And then as soon as I said, this happened and it s tragic and
4
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I m going to think positively.
4
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I m going to think constructively.
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You know, my dad always used to say to me, girl, keep your mind right.
4
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Keep your mind right.
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Crucify your mind every day.
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You got to keep your mind right.
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And so that really helped me, you know, and that my friend T.D.
4
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Jakes had called me and he said, I understand you re angry.
4
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Of course, it s normal to be angry and all the things you re feeling.
4
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But I have a question for you.
4
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Do you want your focus to be on her last five minutes or are you going to focus on the 81 years that she lived?
4
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And it s your choice and you have to choose every day.
4
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Which one are you going to focus on?
4
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You re going to give him five minutes, the five minutes and the trauma, or are you going to focus on the 81 years?
4
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And I remember through all my tears, 81 years and it was, but it was beautiful because he helped me shift and I had to go to that every day.
4
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It wasn t like he said it one day and then, but every day and every time it was very challenging for me, Jay.
4
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And every time I did want to quit.
4
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And there were days where I didn t stop all the time, but sometimes you have to push pause in life.
4
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And there were days where I would lay in the bed and just lay there and be still and think or not think and just lay there.
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And I, but I still decided.
4
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to focus on her 81 years and to focus on what I loved about her and to focus on her contributions to life and society and other people and how she made people feel.
4
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So powerful.
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That shift for me was, you know, I was like that I can
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That s something I d like to remind myself every day with the people that I ve lost.
4
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That really felt like a real gift, that gem of advice and insight.
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Thank you.
4
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Again, another natural thing is, especially in a circumstance like this, is to focus on how to get justice, on how to make sure that the perpetrator and the
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person gets what they deserve and are found.
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And that again is a very normal reaction.
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It makes sense.
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How did you navigate that at the same time as navigating grief?
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Walk me through that because sometimes we lose people naturally.
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This wasn t that.
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So it s an additional kind of energy direction because here you are dealing with loss, but then you re also dealing with
4
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an individual who s, you know, acted so recklessly.
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Yes.
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And I thought, oh my God.
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And my father, it broke my heart one day because he said, oh boy, they hadn t caught him yet.
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And he said,
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And then he was curious about that, obviously, and like wondering, oh, my God, is this person still around?
4
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And my dad immediately went to other people.
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He wasn t just focused on my mom.
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He immediately went to, oh, my gosh, I hope this person is not hurting somebody else, because he s obviously shown he can do this.
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He does this.
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But I still, I had to present on behalf of my mom and the family to the judge, you know, what my intention was.
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And it really was, listen, you know, whatever the divine justice is going to be in this, I m not the divine justice here, but I will say that my intention was, I want to make sure that this doesn t happen to another family.
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I don t want this to happen to anyone else.
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I don t want other people to feel that.
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So if I have any little way of just stating that and making a difference, that gave me something to live for actually.
4
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Can I try in my little square?
4
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Can I hopefully stop this from happening to other people?
4
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And thank God that he s not on the streets, you know, because there s a lot of reckless people on the streets and a lot of violence today in various different forms.
4
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And it s really heavy and it s so unnecessary and it s cruel and unkind and, but I like it.
4
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It s reckless.
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Yeah.
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I mean, it s horrific.
4
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It s horrific and reckless, but it happens to so many people in so many different ways.
4
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And I don t think people realize, you know, we see the science of what it does to families when there s a tragedy.
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It could be a child drowning
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or a car accident or anything.
4
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And families sometimes fall apart.
4
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And I understand why.
4
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And Ted and I had to look at each other.
4
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And I sat with my dad and I said, listen, you re going to come live with me.
4
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I m never leaving you.
4
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We re going to be lockstep.
4
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You re going to be my road dog.
4
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Wherever I go, you re in the car with me.
4
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Whatever my life is, we re just going to merge.
4
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But I had to sit with Ted and I had to say to him, we had to look at each other in the eyes.
4
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I said, listen, this is horrible.
4
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And both of us are grieving in very different ways, but we have to make a decision and look at each other in the eyes right now and make a commitment to each other that we re going to walk through this and no matter how hard this gets, and no
5
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matter if any, each of us want to bail, I d understand, but we re not going to.
5
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We re going to stick this out.
5
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I ve got your back.
5
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You ve got my back.
5
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We re going to be here to take care of my father.
5
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And my intention was we re going to give him a space where he feels loved.
5
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and honored and safe and seen.
5
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And if we can do that, then we ve done our job.
5
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But we have to have a commitment because the pain is so deep, Jay, and I see it now.
5
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I used to read articles like, why would they, they had a baby and I understand this tragedy, but why would they divorce after that?
5
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Why would they?
5
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Oh, I get it.
5
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Until you go through it, I get it because the shock is so insane
5
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It s your brain isn t the same, your heart s not the same, your brain s not the same.
5
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Yeah.
5
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And that s another reminder to us all where it s like, if we haven t been through a experience, how not to judge, how to take a step back, how to be compassionate.
5
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But when I hear you being able to take a step back to the point of view of saying, I want to look at this from the point of view of how this will not happen to someone else.
5
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That s like model behavior.
5
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I mean, that is such an elevated spiritual space to come from that you re not going, I think this person deserves this because of what happened to this.
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No.
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Which would be fair.
5
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Yeah.
5
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Like that would be totally fair.
5
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There d be nothing wrong if you felt that way.
5
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But the fact that you could come from a place to say, actually, I just want to make sure it doesn t happen to anyone else again.
5
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And I believe actually after the unfortunate event at your home, like he went off and did more that same day, like 40 minutes later.
5
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So you were very right to actually have that.
5
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Yes, that news was crazy.
5
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And so one of my friends, Amy, who s in the book, she s the one who went to the house and got my mom s things for me and got the Bible and found the Christmas card, all these things.
5
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Amy shows up at the house that afternoon and she says, I am so sorry I m late.
5
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I heard about your mom this morning, but we were woken up last night by helicopters and sirens.
5
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Right next door to my house, there was a home invasion.
5
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And it was craziness and the guy shot himself and there was madness and blah, blah, blah.
5
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And we were all out in the streets.
5
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She s going on and on.
5
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And I said, really?
5
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She goes, can you believe in the same night it happened to your mom?
5
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She comes over 24 hours later, white as a ghost, eyes wide open.
5
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And I said, what s going on?
5
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She said, uh, remember I told you that there was a home invasion next door to me?
5
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And I said, yes.
5
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She said, that was the same person.
5
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That was the same person that left your mom and showed up right next door to a best friend.
5
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Just that out of all places, LA is pretty big, out of all things, but the energy and the connection and interesting enough, I had this huge crystal.
5
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that I had bought for myself and I couldn t figure out the right place to put it.
5
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It happened to be Amy s birthday coming up.
5
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And I was on the phone with my mom, this was months before she died, maybe six months before she died.
5
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And I said, I don t know what to do with this crystal.
5
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It s so gorgeous, but I don t have the right room.
5
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And Ted s like, what are you doing with that big thing?
5
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And she said, well, didn t you say you didn t know what to get Amy for her birthday?
5
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Why don t you give that to Amy?
5
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I said, oh, I absolutely will.
5
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And of course she had put it right in her backyard on the fence line.
5
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of where all this, so Amy just felt my mom everywhere.
5
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It s just, but again, of how we re all connected and you don t even realize that out of all places, but yeah, he did this to someone else and that family was traumatized.
5
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There was a young girl in the house.
5
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So I think that also helped me knowing that story, knowing that there was a teenage girl in the house and she was petrified and all this, and thank God nothing happened to them.
5
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But that it is about other people too, that this didn t just happen to us.
5
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That s why I went to the place of, okay, there s so much trauma here, my prayer is that it doesn t go any further.
5
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You know, I m listening to you and obviously I read the book and I m hearing just
5
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it s almost like you allowed your mind to naturally go to all of the buts.
5
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but then you ve found like that tiny crack of light and that breakthrough and you ve kind of found your way there.
5
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And for everyone who s listening, I can see Nicole nodding.
5
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And it s like that feeling that we often have is like the amount of light that s shining through is so small, like the teeny, right?
5
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Like the tiniest gap.
5
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Yeah, like a little nail, like a little head of a nail, oh yeah.
5
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Yeah, it s not because it just looks dark.
5
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And you know, one of the biggest ones that I think a lot of people, again, naturally feel are, why me?
5
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I could have done this.
5
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I should have been there.
5
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Like that can just, you know, I ve heard that like destroy people inside.
5
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I was just going to use that word.
5
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It will destroy you.
5
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Yeah.
5
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It will destroy you.
5
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And I felt it.
5
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You could feel the destruction in your skin.
5
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What did you do with that emotion?
5
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I immediately said, you know, why not me first?
5
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I was like, okay, we re human.
5
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We re in a human experience.
5
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And
5
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Bad things happen around the world to really good people all the time.
5
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Bad things happen to bad people.
5
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It s everybody, right?
5
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You know, it s funny, my mom used to, she loved the theater.
5
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She loved stories.
5
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She loved film, television, and song also, because her point was each of these mediums, most of them, especially film and television, is showing you the hero s journey.
5
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You are the hero of your story.
5
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But you don t go to the movie because you know the ending.
5
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We all go and we pretty much know the ending in the trailer.
5
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But we go because we want to see the middle, which is the challenge, which is the but, which is what do I do?
5
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Am I going to survive?
5
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The decision, the turning point, the pivot.
5
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So the pivot for me was everything because I thought, right, mom told me this, like things happen.
5
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People make decisions every day.
5
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You know, you ve got laws on the books now, you know, mothers against drunk driving, all these things, but that happened.
5
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Those good things came from a very tragic place.
5
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And it is looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.
5
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It s really grasping for
5
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that light looking, even if it s teeny.
5
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I was looking around like, it s got to be there somewhere.
5
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And some days I didn t see any light.
5
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I have to be honest.
5
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There were some days there was no light.
5
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I felt it, but I didn t see it.
5
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But there were some days where I just was sitting in darkness and sitting, I felt like I was sitting in mud and just, or quicksand.
5
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And it just was heavy.
5
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And those were the days that I thought, okay, I ve got to now purposely look for a little light.
5
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And I would go outside and I d sit in my yard and I would stare at the flower.
5
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I would sit in nature and I would look at the trees and I would watch the birds and I would watch life.
5
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I would watch the sunsets every day.
5
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I never looked at them every day.
5
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I took advantage.
5
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I took that for granted.
5
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Oh, there s a sunset.
5
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I ll, you know, a couple of times a year.
5
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Oh, every day since my mom, I would watch the sun go down.
5
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I would make sure to watch that sun go down because it reminded you there is a cycle of life and the sun s going to rise again and if I knew the sun was going to rise again then I knew I was going to rise again.
5
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you know, the more disconnected we ve become from nature, the harder it is to acknowledge the natural transitions and the natural rejuvenations, the seasons, the ability for things to wither and then come back.
5
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And my mom died, you know, it was winter, it was December 1st.
5
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And I remember I just trimmed back everything and pruned everything and everything was barren.
5
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And then I remember in April, everything that I had cut back, everything was re-blooming, showing up again, gorgeous.
5
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And it had pushed through that it was that harvest time, you know, there s seed time and there s harvest and there s this growing time.
5
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And I understood growing pains.
5
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That s what I was like, Oh, this is what growing pains.
5
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Oh, this is what this means.
5
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Okay.
5
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But nature helped because the seasons helped me.
5
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It was like I said, it was rainy and it was dark when she passed.
5
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And then a few months later, the sun was coming out, the weather had changed, the flowers were out, the hummingbirds were around.
5
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And it was a reminder of this too shall pass, like things will continue and you have to go on with life.
5
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And of course, while you were writing this book, I believe it was when it went to print, you also lost your father at that time and he knew you were writing the book.
5
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Yeah.
5
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Was he?
5
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Yes, he was into it.
5
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He was great.
5
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He was pushing me to write because he knew it would be cathartic for me.
5
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And I said, daddy, I ve been writing this book, but mommy s died.
5
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So I m going to put this away.
5
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He goes, no, no, no.
5
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I want you to write about Jackie.
5
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I want you to write about life.
5
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I want you to write Nicole.
5
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And he was so, I was so happy to have his presence in my home because yes, I was taking care of him, but he was really taking care of me.
5
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And Ted, like you had just acknowledged, he had just lost his father.
5
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So to have a patriarch back in the house when Ted is grieving the loss of his own father, to have my father s energy was great.
5
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And my dad was a real doer.
5
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I mean, he was always moving and shaking and getting things done.
5
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He never really sat down, never really relaxed.
5
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And he said to me,
6
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me, you have things to say in this book and you ll help people, hopefully, you know, and he, what I loved is like, this, this book is about being an offering.
6
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It s not about business right now.
6
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This is an offering, Nicole, write your book.
6
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finish your book.
6
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Your mother would want you to finish the book. 
6
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And I said, I know, but I don t know how to pivot this.
6
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He goes, you ll figure it out.
6
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You could throw Jackie in there.
6
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But he did read it and he read five chapters for sure.
6
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And then he said he flipped through a lot, but he was so proud, Jay, because he knew his legacy and my mom s legacy were not going to be lost.
6
SPEAKER_01
And he was a big believer in history.
6
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and legacy.
6
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And he said, every generation has the responsibility to honor the generation before them, of all races, of all religions, everybody who sacrificed.
6
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The greatest way to say thank you to the people that you will never have met, you can t say thank you to, is to honor them by
6
SPEAKER_01
taking the baton that they ve given you and live your life.
6
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That s why my dad s big thing to me growing up was you better use your freedom wisely.
6
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I didn t have the freedom that you have.
6
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We re living in the same lifetime right now.
6
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I didn t have what you have.
6
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I couldn t go to the school I wanted to go to.
6
SPEAKER_01
I didn t go to the hospitals I wanted to go to.
6
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I couldn t get healthcare, nothing.
6
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I didn t have your rights, but I did not stop because you are the promise and you, Jay, are the promise.
6
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Like all our generation,
6
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Everybody is the promise.
6
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You think of all these wars that have been fought, and all around the world, and it s for a freedom that the Western world has, and war is not pretty, it s ugly, it s unfair, all of it s unkind, it s all nothing great.
6
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But the truth is it has happened from the beginning of time.
6
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So I think, I love that my father reminded me, use your freedom wisely and remember your ancestry.
6
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Remember the people who came before you and remember that you re the promise.
6
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You are the promise.
6
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So show up.
6
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Your parents are phenomenal.
6
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They re just unbelievable.
6
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It s so funny because they were so opposite.
6
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I told somebody today, my dad was Archie Bunker from all the family and my mom was Queen Cleopatra.
6
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But their energies got together and they made magic.
6
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And they were complete opposites.
6
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But I just love how clear they were.
6
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in their communication with you, that today their ideas are so clear for you and they re so coherent for you, not just that you can repeat them.
6
SPEAKER_00
You know, when children can repeat smart things, we get impressed.
6
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But when we become adults, we don t get impressed by repetition.
6
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We get impressed if someone can actually live and apply the ideas.
6
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Apply the ideas.
6
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And to be living and applying the ideas in this much at a time of such horrendous pain, that
6
SPEAKER_01
speaks volumes to just how deeply your parents taught you these incredible... Yeah, they really wanted to make sure I never forgot or took advantage or took for granted what I had, you know, and the blessings that I had.
6
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Yeah, there was one line in here about the blessings that I loved because you have an area called the blessings of our ancestors.
6
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But no, actually it was this, it was this that I wanted to pick out.
6
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This is, for anyone who s going to be reading the book as well, this is on page 99.
6
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I know now that my parents, my mother especially, truly were preparing me for a terrible day like this.
6
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The lesson was this, it s not about the loss and the death, it s about the life, the dash between the dates, as my dad would say, that there is truly the art of living.
6
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The fact that you believe that your parents were preparing you for something
6
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hard and difficult.
6
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It was a subconscious knowing, but I would always say to them, does everything have to be a lesson?
6
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Why does everything have to be a lesson?
6
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It felt like every day I came home, I got it.
6
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Can we just, can I just go to soccer practice and come home and eat dinner and go to bed?
6
SPEAKER_01
And there was always a lesson, but my dad would say, you come with a number and you end with a number.
6
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What are you going to do with your dash?
6
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And it was all the time.
6
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And because they had seen so much tragedy.
6
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And my dad, I mean, he was born in 1931, segregated America.
6
SPEAKER_01
He has seen his fair share of tragedy.
6
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So he didn t want me to be ignorant to the ills of people.
6
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He had already grown up with it.
6
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He had seen it.
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He was taught, do not look up in the sky because you might see someone that you know who s lynched.
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That was the world he grew up in.
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But the beauty of him is that he still found a way to look at the great things of life.
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He still felt, I have something to do in this life.
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He still felt, I m significant.
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He still felt, I m going to go out and fight for my rights, fight for the rights of other people.
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And so he wanted to make sure that I didn t become complacent.
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And so I think a lot of their lessons have reminded me of my history.
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There was so much pain or history in general of all people, of all races, because my mother loved, you know, we all say now like cultural appropriation.
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She s like, it s appreciation.
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It s appreciation.
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Because she believed that you have brothers and sisters all around the world.
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that you re connected energetically.
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They re going to be different races, different religions, different genders, doesn t matter.
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You re still connected.
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And they, they were really big on that, which I love.
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But with that came the history of a lot of people.
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And so that s why I think they were preparing me because I saw with all the great history of every culture, there is also so much pain and trauma that got them to the promised land.
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And so my mom, that s what I meant by that, that they had prepared me because they gave me this appreciation
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of every culture that has been through something horrific, and yet they still chose to live and they chose to still be good.
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My mom s prescription always was, be good, do good.
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Be good, do good.
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Start there.
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She d always say, I m going to start there.
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What do I do with this?
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Be good and do good.
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Even right after she passed away, I went to a restaurant and
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The hostess was really rude, and I was still fresh in my trauma, and she said something to somebody, and I remember I pointed my finger at her.
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I go, no, hey, wait, stop that.
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And she said, oh, I m so sorry, I m so sorry.
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But even though I was, quote, in the right,
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I walked in and I could feel my mother inside me saying, you don t ever put your finger in somebody s face, Nicole.
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Don t you ever put your finger in someone s face.
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So I remember walking over to the owner of the restaurant.
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I said, I m really sorry.
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I just want to take ownership of this.
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I did do this.
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I am very sorry.
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I have apologized to her.
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It was rude.
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And it doesn t matter that just, I just want to own this.
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And he thought, you don t have to, you re, you really, I go, no, I really do because I can feel my mother and I, and I do not want to be haunted by her, but I, I could just hear her saying, doesn t matter how, if an eye for an eye doesn t work.
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So just cause she was rude, doesn t mean that you have to go and be rude, you know?
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So, and that s what I had done.
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She was rude.
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So I said, I m going to get you back.
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And I m waving my finger and I could, my mom used to say an eye for an eye does not work.
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We all know that.
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It s proof it doesn t work.
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The karma doesn t settle, you just create more karma.
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You just create more karma.
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Yeah, so it doesn t work.
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It doesn t cancel it out.
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We think it s going to cancel the karma and all it does is make more karma to get over.
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Yeah, it s really fascinating how I m so glad you went there.
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I feel like
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We re so convinced that if someone does something bad, then we can react however we want, we re justified, but not realizing that it just creates more negative energy.
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It doesn t perpetuate, yeah, it creates more chaos.
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Yeah, there s nothing positive that comes out of an eye for an eye.
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We think that there is, but it doesn t.
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At the start of this interview, Nicole, you said you re in repair.
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I love that word.
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I think we re all at the workshop.
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Yeah, I like that.
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We are at the workshop.
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Yes, we are.
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Getting repair done and being renewed and refueled in so many different ways.
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Do you still cry?
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Yes.
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A lot.
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Just the other day, I saw something and it reminded me just right there was this all a bunch of dragonflies.
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It was like a beehive.
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And I ve never seen that before.
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And my mom loved dragonflies.
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And I, when I tell you, I burst into tears, but deep cry, like belly.
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cry.
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And I do cry a lot, but it s helpful for me because I ve noticed the times where I want to stop crying like, Oh, Nicole, it s been 20 months.
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Stop crying.
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No, it s, and, and it, and it does release, it s a release.
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And that s why I think that the creator gave us the ability to cry, to, to move that emotion, to get that emotion out and to, to honor the emotion, to look at it for what it is.
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Because until I cry, I don t really know how I feel about things until I do cry.
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And then I realize, oh, that really did make me feel this way, or it did hurt me.
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I didn t realize how much that hurt me until the tears come.
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I m so glad you said that.
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Yeah.
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important.
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And, and I actually will play music sometimes that I know will make me cry if I m feeling stuck.
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And I know that as soon as I get this out, it s going to create a space for new energy to come in.
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But you know, it s once you have that hard stagnant energy and if you don t move it, new energy doesn t get to come in.
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Nicole, you ve been so generous by sharing your journey with us today.
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And I m really just appreciate how you ve been down every normal, natural path that anyone would mentally and emotionally and spiritually after this.
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And you found the end at the end of every path.
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You know, when we get to the end of every path and it feels like there s nothing beyond it, and then you found the end, which is that extension that we all need to find.
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And I genuinely, genuinely, genuinely believe that if anyone has someone they love, this book is a toolkit, it s a guide to give someone the transformation that we know is possible.
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But I am in awe of how you ve responded and been able to channel your parents in this very difficult time.
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It s so easy to say it and share it, but to use it at this time is beautiful, and I pray and I meditate that anyone who reads this book receives the courage that you have, the peace that you have gained, and the helpfulness for others to pass on what they ve gained as well.
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Thank you, I appreciate that.
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Nicole, we end every On Purpose episode with a final five.
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These are questions that have to be answered in one word to one sentence maximum.
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Okay.
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And I believe it will be a really useful exercise because I think we ll even discover further.
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So, Nicole, Evan, these are your final five.
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Oh boy.
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The first is, what is the best grief or advice you ve received during grief?
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Love, love matters.
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That game changer for grief, healing balm.
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And what would you say is the worst grief advice or words to hear during times of grief?
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I know how you feel.
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I ve said it so many times to people.
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I mean, I had to learn.
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I was going through my own thing going, oh my God, I ve said all the wrong things and done all the wrong things.
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But it s just a reaction that we all say.
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Yeah, it s because when we say we know,
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we actually limit the other person s ability to share.
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To then share.
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Yeah.
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Yeah, so it s over.
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I know how you feel.
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I m like, oh, well, I can t even tell you how I feel or I can t even call on you to come and sit and talk with you and talk this out because you already know.
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Yeah, there s no chance for me to feel understood or seen.
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Seen or yes.
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Or loved because.
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Heard any of it.
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Yeah, because you already know.
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Thank you.
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That s really beautiful.
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I wanted to ask you these three words you so eloquently chose.
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Third question for you is walk me through when you needed grit, when you required grace, and when you chose gratitude.
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So you can give me one for each, so.
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Uh, the grit showed up for me on this journey, right?
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When I got the news, I had to pivot and I had to, you know, grit for me is, is a hustle.
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It s a pivot.
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It s an action.
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And I had to have grit to move through these terrible times where I just wanted to sit down and do nothing.
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And I had to, I had to be present and on and figure this out.
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The grace.
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was choosing to forgive.
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choosing to give up the anger and the frustration and the pain and giving it up to a higher power and not letting it poison me.
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So that was the grace.
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And the gratitude was being so grateful that I had two parents who paid attention to me and supported me throughout my life.
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And I didn t understand a lot of things when I was younger.
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You know, they were a little more strict than other parents and a little more disciplined and all this,
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Thank God that I had parents who did show up for me, even in disagreements, even in hard times.
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I never once thought they weren t gonna be there for me.
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And that s what I was the most grateful for, that I had them.
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And my friends and my friends that showed up for me, I m grateful that that s when I went into the gratitude of, my gosh, people are showing up for me and people are taking care of me.
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Thank you.
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So beautiful.
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Question number four, two left.
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Question number four, what was your most frequented prayer?
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I would say over and over again, it was my grandmother s prayer, which is, today is the day the Lord has made and I choose to be glad and rejoiceful.
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And I just, I choose to be glad and rejoice in it.
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Sorry, that s it.
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And I d look at her like, okay, grandma, whatever.
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She used to sing the song and she d be cooking her food.
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But I found that because it was repeated over and over again, and I overheard her when I spent time with her,
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And it was that word choice and I choose to be glad and rejoice in it.
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So I just thought, okay, I can do that too.
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I don t feel like it.
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And nothing is showing me that I should be joyful or glad, but I choose to rejoice and choose to be glad.
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And then I found things to be glad about.
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That s how you found light even in the darkest.
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Yeah, that s how I found it.
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I really was.
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And then my big mantra was, you know, I m just standing in my faith.
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I m standing in my faith.
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I would say that over and over and over again, even though I didn t really believe that I was.
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I just said it over and over again because I needed to create some solid platform under me.
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Otherwise, it felt like quicksand.
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Fifth and final question, Nicole, we ask this to every guest who s ever been on the show.
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If you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be?
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The Golden Rule.
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Nicole, again, so grateful to you for coming on On Purpose.
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For everyone who s been listening or watching, the book is called Think You ll Be Happy.
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I want you to find out why it s called that when you read the book.
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That s why I did not ask the question.
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It s a beautiful reason why it s called Think You ll Be Happy.
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The book is full of so many more stories, deep texture of explanations behind things Nicole shared with us today.
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Please go and grab a copy, share it with a loved one, share it with someone who s lost one when you don t know the right thing to say or the right thing to text.
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If you feel the person is ready, offer this to them.
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Like I said, I ll be offering it to, and have already been offering it to friends.
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I wrote here as part of my testimonial, this book should be required reading for anyone wanting to understand how to trust in the light, even at the darkest times.
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And I truly mean that.
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The book by Nicole Avent.
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Please, of course, clip and cut as you always do TikToks, Instagram reels that
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resonate with you, that connect with you, share them across, spread them because I hope you felt the energy that I felt by sitting here.
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I want you all to feel it and I want you all to share it because even if we re not going through something like this right now, I know this energy will be extremely healing for those who are.
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So please pass it on and Nicole, I m so grateful to you.
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Thank you.
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I m so grateful to you.
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Thank you.
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Thank you so much.
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Thank you.
7
Thank you.
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If you loved this episode, you ll love my interview with Dr. Gabor Maté on understanding your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds to start moving on from the past.
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Everything in nature grows only where it s vulnerable.
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So a tree doesn t grow where it s hard and thick, does it?
7
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It grows where it s soft and green and vulnerable.
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A new season of Bridgerton is here.
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And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
7
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I m your host, Gabby Collins.
7
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And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the ton.
7
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Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
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Then fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.