0
SPEAKER_02
jay more is a cast member that you know dana started when i was there as a very young man came in.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yeah jay more people know now but he came from snl.
0
SPEAKER_02
He had some great impressions, Walken, a few others, and very good mimic of that.
0
SPEAKER_02
He had a run there, went off, he does a lot of sports, he does a lot of standup, knows a lot about a lot.
0
SPEAKER_02
Been in a lot of great movies.
0
SPEAKER_02
Oh yeah, did a movie with Aniston.
0
SPEAKER_02
He s done a lot of stuff.
0
SPEAKER_02
Beat me out for a part in a movie, we talk about that.
0
SPEAKER_01
Do you remember when we did our special about the great Chris Farley, those two episodes?
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
Well, Jay came in and had some very, very funny, funny stories.
0
SPEAKER_01
Some of it I thought was folklore, but he was there or maybe instigated it.
0
SPEAKER_01
So anyway, I would stay tuned for his really funny, funny stories about the great Chris Farley.
0
SPEAKER_02
Oh, he s got so many Farley stories about everything in 8-H and also talks about lately his marriage to Jeannie Buss.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, he s a newlywed and he s in a really good space.
0
SPEAKER_02
Interesting.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, he s gone through a lot and we fucking laughed the whole time.
0
SPEAKER_02
That was great.
0
SPEAKER_01
Enjoy Jay Moore, please.
0
SPEAKER_00
Dana left before I came on.
0
SPEAKER_00
When did you come on?
0
91.
0
SPEAKER_01
I was there till 93.
0
SPEAKER_01
Wait, do you know who Dana is?
0
SPEAKER_01
Which one?
0
SPEAKER_01
Are you a Churchill fan or are you more of a Garth guy?
0
SPEAKER_01
Are you Coffee Machine fan?
0
SPEAKER_01
You re Dana?
0
SPEAKER_01
It s in our contract.
0
SPEAKER_01
I had to grow this so we look even more similar.
0
SPEAKER_01
I was not on Saturday Night Live with you, Dana.
0
SPEAKER_01
But we both were there in 92, so there s a little bit of a problem.
0
SPEAKER_00
When you and I were there, David, was Dana there also?
0
SPEAKER_02
No.
0
SPEAKER_02
Well, let me ask you a question.
0
SPEAKER_02
I came in with Sarah and Norm and David Tell.
0
SPEAKER_02
Later.
0
SPEAKER_02
Did you do it with Sarah and Norm and David Tell?
0
SPEAKER_01
No, that was later.
0
SPEAKER_01
So you weren t there in 92, because that s when I was doing, was Wayne s World happening all the time?
0
SPEAKER_01
What s Wayne s World?
0
SPEAKER_01
Okay, let s back up.
0
SPEAKER_01
So you missed it by that much.
0
SPEAKER_01
I missed it just by a little bit.
0
SPEAKER_01
A birdie told me.
0
SPEAKER_01
But I remember being there once where Franken and Chris Farley were going to fight.
0
SPEAKER_01
Franken and Chris Farley were going to wrestle.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I remember you hanging around and I remember, oh, Jay, you know, like you were like, I could take both of you guys kind of, like you were gonna, there was a three, so I don t know if you ever- I do remember that now.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I also remember, okay, David and, so we ll just call you David.
0
SPEAKER_00
David.
0
SPEAKER_02
Spade and Fred Wolfe were in the graphics room.
0
SPEAKER_02
I knew Fred Wolfe would come up immediately.
0
SPEAKER_02
He s the best.
0
SPEAKER_01
You re very funny, you re not so funny.
0
SPEAKER_01
That s really good.
0
SPEAKER_01
I shouldn t do that.
0
SPEAKER_02
I m just kidding.
0
SPEAKER_02
So the six shooters up here, that one was really good.
0
SPEAKER_02
Really good.
0
SPEAKER_02
I have to tell you a story, but I m going to talk to you every once in a while.
0
SPEAKER_02
I m going to talk to you, Dan, I have a question for you.
0
SPEAKER_00
I just remember a waiter coming over going, get the fuck out of here.
0
SPEAKER_00
He s in the middle of a punchline and the waiter would walk up, he goes, get the fuck out of here, get the fuck out of here.
0
SPEAKER_00
Because they always come on the punchline.
0
SPEAKER_00
I wasn t as funny as you.
0
SPEAKER_01
I was pretty good, right?
0
SPEAKER_01
But I wasn t as funny as you guys.
0
SPEAKER_00
So Spade and Fred Wolfe are in the graphics room, and I walk in to see what they re doing, then Farley walks in, and then Fred just, Fred s like the master manipulator, like, hey Chris, you know, Jay wrestled, you wrestled.
0
SPEAKER_00
Jay says he could kick your ass at wrestling, and I m like, yeah, I m 23 years old, I m like, absolutely.
0
SPEAKER_00
And Chris is just like, yeah, all right.
0
SPEAKER_00
So we square up to wrestle.
0
SPEAKER_00
He s not even in his crazy- This was in the writer s room where we- No, it was in the graphics room.
0
SPEAKER_00
Oh, okay.
0
SPEAKER_00
Where s that?
0
SPEAKER_00
He was pranking in the writer s room.
0
SPEAKER_00
On the way to Lauren s office.
0
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
0
SPEAKER_00
And it was just you and Fred were just doing private time or something over there.
0
SPEAKER_00
Some graphics.
0
SPEAKER_00
What happened?
0
SPEAKER_00
So I made the mistake of shooting in on Chris s legs and he just collapsed on top of me and then I went to my stomach and I brought my elbows in and Chris for the next six minutes sat on my back going
0
SPEAKER_00
Like I really get out.
0
SPEAKER_00
No, I thought I really thought my life was gonna end.
0
SPEAKER_00
So I sure you know, yeah He was trying to say like Chris you re trying 890 my back And after six minutes David saved me he goes get the fuck off him.
0
SPEAKER_00
Come on, Chris It was all Fred s fault
0
SPEAKER_01
Oh my God.
0
SPEAKER_01
Okay, Jay is doing Miami and Chris Farley s little running thing.
0
SPEAKER_02
His heart attack thing where he always hits his, where he goes.
0
SPEAKER_02
Son of a. I have a, are you supposed to have a tingling feeling in your left arm?
0
SPEAKER_02
It s going numb.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, yeah.
0
SPEAKER_02
So what about when he walked you to the elevator?
0
SPEAKER_02
Wasn t he mad about that?
0
SPEAKER_02
Oh, I pinned him.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
So the rematch was, it was Dana Carvey, Dana Carvey.
0
SPEAKER_00
It was, wow.
0
SPEAKER_00
I was the referee.
0
SPEAKER_00
I was reading your name right there.
0
SPEAKER_00
It was Alec Baldwin.
0
SPEAKER_00
I get you guys confused.
0
SPEAKER_00
Me and Alec, we know, it s just a thing.
0
SPEAKER_00
It was Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger were co-hosting.
0
SPEAKER_00
Oh, they were there?
0
SPEAKER_00
Mingling?
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
0
SPEAKER_00
And my follow-up to that was like, it really like bugged me, because I was like, as the days- Well, can I ask for a second, how good were you at wrestling?
0
SPEAKER_00
You re a good wrestler.
0
SPEAKER_00
Average.
0
SPEAKER_00
I m much better as an adult than I was as a kid.
0
SPEAKER_01
What was the weight, when you took on Farley, what was your weight?
0
SPEAKER_01
It was probably 160.
0
SPEAKER_01
Okay, so you were his lean.
0
SPEAKER_01
Okay, so talk about how you pinned him by the elevator.
0
SPEAKER_01
He was 1220.
0
SPEAKER_01
How did you pin a five, six, 270 pound man?
0
SPEAKER_00
He was sitting on the couch.
0
SPEAKER_01
That s about what I figured he was at his prime.
0
SPEAKER_01
I m glad you asked.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_02
You get him right after he went to Wally and Joseph s and he had shells.
0
SPEAKER_01
Wally and Joseph s.
0
SPEAKER_01
He s taking a nap.
0
SPEAKER_01
That was our go-to restaurant in New York.
0
SPEAKER_00
He was sitting on the couch right inside the writer s room.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I walked in, I said, hey, I said something that he got like, hey, fat boy, you still want to go?
0
SPEAKER_00
And he went to get up,
0
SPEAKER_00
And everyone s sitting at the giant table.
0
SPEAKER_00
There s like 40 people going, why are you doing this?
0
SPEAKER_00
I was nuts.
0
SPEAKER_00
Untreated alcoholism.
0
SPEAKER_00
What are you doing?
0
SPEAKER_00
Totally.
0
SPEAKER_00
And he went to get up.
0
SPEAKER_00
His mistake was, it s like never getting in a fight, getting out of your car, you re dead.
0
SPEAKER_00
So he got caught in that limbo.
0
SPEAKER_00
Starting halfway up.
0
SPEAKER_00
And then where d you go to?
0
SPEAKER_00
So I went, my right arm around his head and I just went bodied into him and then we just were falling forward and then I clasped my hands under his like back of his knee so we did like a somersault into the room.
0
SPEAKER_00
I put my knee in his side and my forehead on his temple Just cuz I knew if I let him go he d kill me I don t want to let him go cuz he ll beat me up in front of I let him go and everyone s staring at me like what?
0
SPEAKER_00
What the fuck is this guy doing?
0
SPEAKER_00
So then I slap Chris s ass.
0
SPEAKER_00
I go, now we re even.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I get up and I m walking to the night elevators.
0
SPEAKER_00
I don t know why I turned left instead of right.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I just hear this like running of the bulls behind me.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I turn and it s like the entire room has emptied out and they re walking towards me.
0
SPEAKER_00
But in front of them, Chris is walking like a zombie, like in a Scooby-Doo, like with the big leg and his eyes are up in his head.
0
SPEAKER_00
So I had that time to get to the elevator I m hitting the button and meeting the button the night elevator opens.
0
SPEAKER_00
It s filled with people from the rainbow room
0
SPEAKER_00
It s just a wall of black tie and gowns, just Taffeta and fucking Bengay, just all these, so I wedge into the elevator and then Chris is walking towards the elevator.
0
SPEAKER_00
Now he s going to kill me and there s going to be collateral damage.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I go, look everybody, that s Chris Farley.
0
SPEAKER_00
And the whole elevator, like on an episode of Newhart, just goes, oh, and he goes, and he just turned around and walked away.
0
SPEAKER_00
And the elevator door closed.
0
SPEAKER_00
You got so lucky.
0
SPEAKER_00
I got saved.
0
SPEAKER_00
He murdered me.
0
SPEAKER_02
Oh my God.
0
SPEAKER_02
Did he get that temper going?
0
SPEAKER_00
But the only reason I lived is because he, just, he had to get the laugh, even in that, even that, like, instead of running at me and grabbing me, once everybody was mobile, he was like.
0
SPEAKER_02
I remember I told Dan, I said, I remember that I think Chris and Jay, there was a wrestling situation and then Jay got the best of them and went into the elevator.
0
SPEAKER_02
I just remember the elevator.
0
SPEAKER_02
I made him turn purple.
0
SPEAKER_02
Oh, he got the best of them and just killed them.
0
SPEAKER_01
So you had skill.
0
SPEAKER_01
You had a lot of confidence.
0
SPEAKER_01
Well, I watch a lot of UFC, so I, you know.
0
SPEAKER_01
You see me on that.
0
SPEAKER_01
Well, I ve seen guys that look like you, I don t know, but leverage a smaller person.
0
SPEAKER_00
He just, if it was, he was, the way he was getting up off the couch was just a godsend.
0
SPEAKER_00
I got really lucky and it just took my shot.
0
SPEAKER_01
It was a godsend.
0
SPEAKER_01
Well, he was just obviously a big man.
0
SPEAKER_01
And he wasn t ready at all.
0
SPEAKER_01
He was quick.
0
SPEAKER_00
No, he was just like, hey, hey, Jay.
0
SPEAKER_00
He always went like punchline first.
0
SPEAKER_00
He s like, all right, young fella.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
David tell and I were in the office and Farley walked in at like 1 a.m.
0
SPEAKER_00
Thursday, it s just like whoa, and he s like, what are you guys doing?
0
SPEAKER_00
And at the same time like creepy twins, we said
1
SPEAKER_00
we ll pay you a hundred dollars to shit out the window.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, you initiated that.
1
SPEAKER_00
And he just went, oh, give me the money first.
1
Give me the money first.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so he did this more than once.
1
SPEAKER_00
17th floor.
1
SPEAKER_00
No, that time we had to fill out a police report because they thought he was a jumper.
1
SPEAKER_02
So he opens the window, does he take down his pants, and then he puts his ass out.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, and it was obvious right away he didn t have to shit at all.
1
SPEAKER_00
Because he turned like purple from effort.
1
SPEAKER_00
He was just like... So nothing happened?
1
SPEAKER_02
no like a one little thing one hairy milk dud yeah and hit lauren michaels who was coming back from orsos excuse me paul do you have a napkin catch on the second song she s on you one of the feature players
1
SPEAKER_00
It fell in the window onto my desk.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, what?
1
SPEAKER_00
So you initiate it and you become the victim.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, and then there was nothing to wipe his ass with.
1
SPEAKER_00
So we wiped, I always leave this part of the story out out of respect, but you guys know how much, we can t love anyone more.
1
SPEAKER_00
So we wiped his ass with his hands.
1
SPEAKER_02
For people listening who think being on Saturday Night Live is a barrel of monkeys, you re right, and this is an example of how much fun it is.
1
SPEAKER_01
He would come in my office and go, yeah, I have got a greasy trail, which I figured out later what it was.
1
SPEAKER_01
And he d take my USA Today and go, give me a piece of that.
1
SPEAKER_01
And you know, you can do the rest of that.
1
SPEAKER_00
So after he wiped his ass with his hand, he went back to that mummy walk and he fucking chased us.
1
SPEAKER_00
around the 17th floor with the shit on his head.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I m running down the hallway past like research and there s those bookshelves in the hallway and me and David Dell are running side by side.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I m like, we re not gonna make this side by side.
1
SPEAKER_00
We gotta go single file.
1
SPEAKER_00
But I don t wanna be in the back.
1
SPEAKER_00
And Dave, like, I m like two years removed from competitive wrestling and Dave Attell, a chain-smoking, miserable guy, just passes me like he s on a jet ski.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I hit the bookcase, my shoulder like pops out, and I m just laying on my back, and Chris for like minutes is just standing over me going.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, with that.
1
SPEAKER_01
Didn t you have that broomstick though?
1
SPEAKER_01
Or was that a, we don t talk about that.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, that was, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
we don t know that s uh... even more okay i guess i don t know how to do you know the writers room was a very fun uh... late-night chaotic place and we re only even down here was a pretty reason not to write
1
SPEAKER_00
The first sketch I ever handed Downey, I didn t know like he slept there.
1
SPEAKER_00
He was going through some shit.
1
SPEAKER_00
And he just wanted us around like in the loneliest hours between three and 6 a.m.
1
SPEAKER_00
So remember he d make us watch like Juliet high school basketball.
1
SPEAKER_00
Like, look at this, look at the ball movement.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, you were out by then.
1
SPEAKER_00
You were at some fucking party.
1
SPEAKER_01
He did like to talk about like, if I ever got in that Downey s office, which all we want to do is get Downey s expertise.
1
SPEAKER_01
And he was, you know, he s been there for 20 years.
1
SPEAKER_01
So when we get in there, he goes, Spade, what is going on in Arizona?
1
SPEAKER_01
And then I would go through all that, but I m trying to go through my progression so I can get to my horrible sketch that he s not gonna like.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I would talk and talk and just talk.
1
SPEAKER_01
And we would just talk and Schneider, come on, man.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m next, too much time.
1
SPEAKER_01
So two in the morning you leave and then Schneider goes in and then, but poor Jim, that s what he had to do is just take, okay, I just, one time he did say something smart, he goes, he always says something smart.
1
SPEAKER_01
But he said something that I remembered where he goes, there s times when you re gonna give me an idea and I m just gonna say, I don t think you should write it and I can t really tell you why.
1
SPEAKER_01
I just know it probably won t get on.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I can t even articulate, it s just not right.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I said, okay, fair enough.
1
SPEAKER_01
And sometimes I would do it and he goes, I don t think that s the one.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I d be like, this is one of the guys that decides.
1
SPEAKER_01
So why go through the motions of writing?
1
SPEAKER_01
Unless it s going to be so primo, he has to overturn his opinion.
1
SPEAKER_01
But he just goes, hmm.
1
SPEAKER_01
And that s hard to do.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s hard to tell someone not to write something.
1
SPEAKER_00
The first sketch I ever handed him was the Christopher Walken, Psychic Friends Network.
1
SPEAKER_01
That had to have gotten on, didn t it get on?
1
SPEAKER_00
Eventually.
1
SPEAKER_00
But I was, you know, I didn t see him till like 9 a.m.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I finished it at like midnight.
1
SPEAKER_02
So you stayed the whole night?
1
SPEAKER_00
I stayed, I sat on the couch and this.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then they go, oh, you can go, I think it was Laurie Jo, but you can go see him.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then he s sitting on his fucking little couch, brushing his teeth.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s like a face of foam.
1
SPEAKER_00
And he goes, let me see it.
1
SPEAKER_00
I go, hey, and I hand it to him and he puts his palm out like this and I put the sketch in his palm and he goes, yeah, it feels a little long.
1
SPEAKER_01
He just waited out and then handed it back to you?
1
SPEAKER_01
He was right though.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh my God.
1
SPEAKER_00
It was a heavy sketch.
1
SPEAKER_01
It was long.
1
SPEAKER_01
I d get there and sometimes there was a Frank in our
1
SPEAKER_01
Maybe, was it Rosie Schuster?
1
SPEAKER_01
They would be like 18 pages in the read-through.
1
SPEAKER_00
Now, read it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Who is that?
1
SPEAKER_00
Which one s Franken?
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, Franken, okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
I remember I had Franken somehow in like some sketch that was gonna get on.
1
SPEAKER_00
I think it was like Good Morning Brooklyn or something.
1
SPEAKER_00
It was gonna get on, like it was just the vibe was there.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I had Franken and, no, it was Psychic Friends.
1
SPEAKER_00
It was the walk-in sketch.
1
SPEAKER_00
And Schneider goes, you gotta switch out.
1
SPEAKER_00
No, you gotta switch out Franken, you can t.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I go, no, this is funny, because he s like the guy, and he goes, no, don t put Franken in your sketch.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I go, why not?
1
SPEAKER_00
He goes, follow me.
1
SPEAKER_00
And we walked out of the office, around the corner, down the hallway, and there s that, you know, the framed photos, and it s when they were having the white sale with slaves, with Belushi, and Bill Murray, and then the third one is Franken, and they re just standing there like, whatever, and Franken s like,
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Like all puffed up chest.
1
SPEAKER_00
He goes, that s why.
1
SPEAKER_00
Because he s overacting.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s why.
1
SPEAKER_02
Schneider s an old soul.
1
SPEAKER_02
Schneider is.
1
SPEAKER_02
Schneider will tell you what s on his mind.
1
SPEAKER_01
No, you don t want him.
1
SPEAKER_02
You re a fucking rookie, what do you know?
1
SPEAKER_02
You don t know what you re doing.
1
SPEAKER_02
They re poisoning our water.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, he can also note you in your own sketch, you know.
1
SPEAKER_01
No, he s great.
1
SPEAKER_01
Because he was one of the ones that got the pick sketches, so he, that was, I mean, I m talking Frank and like he would.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, right.
1
SPEAKER_01
He would, you know, if he s in it, he s also a writer and he s also one of the producers that pick sketches, so he has a lot of control of your own sketch, which,
1
SPEAKER_01
Might that rub you wrong?
1
SPEAKER_02
Is the game of thrones of SNL, partnering with someone, even if you go into the room and you go, I kind of have an idea, be like, you re psychic walking and then let them start the ball rolling.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, that s great.
1
SPEAKER_02
That s great.
1
SPEAKER_02
So they get proprietary.
1
SPEAKER_02
So when Lauren is there, anyone walking psychic?
1
SPEAKER_02
they re involved.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, see, I didn t know any of that.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I think when Jay started, I don t know if I knew you, did I know you ahead of time or I just knew you there?
1
SPEAKER_01
No.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay, so I think we all had trouble when we got there, me, everybody.
1
SPEAKER_01
I had a lot because I couldn t quite, like this dope that was better than me, this guy, Dana.
1
SPEAKER_02
So when I got there- David s always there.
1
SPEAKER_01
When I got there- He was like my protege.
1
SPEAKER_01
I was the longest feature player.
1
SPEAKER_01
Rob went first, Sandler went first, Farley.
1
SPEAKER_01
They all went to cast.
1
SPEAKER_01
And so I stayed an extra year on the bench kind of.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I remember when I think you came on, it was like kind of tough.
1
SPEAKER_01
And maybe I try to tell you.
1
SPEAKER_01
And at the beginning, in my recollection, you were like, you know, I know it s hard.
1
SPEAKER_01
I know how it is.
1
SPEAKER_01
but the truth was you can t even be prepared.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s like, you know it and you get there and you go, well, my sketch was funny, what s going on?
1
SPEAKER_01
And then it just, that s exactly what happened to me.
1
SPEAKER_01
You start to go, how do you, and then after three weeks of that, like I gave my best sketch the first week and it almost got on.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then after that, it was a lot tougher because that was the one I worked on.
1
SPEAKER_01
I go, this has to work.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then another week comes by and another week, and if you re not getting stuff on, you start to lose your mind.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, let me ask both of you guys a question.
1
SPEAKER_02
I mean, the first year I kind of harvested or adapted stuff that worked for me in clubs a lot of the time.
1
SPEAKER_02
So I m wondering what were your killer bits when you got it?
1
SPEAKER_02
And you too, Jay, like how you got the show.
1
SPEAKER_02
I mean, your walking is right up there with anybody s impression.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m more of a mimic, so I didn t have, like you have the, you re really great, Dana, at like your original characters.
1
SPEAKER_02
But I m just doing an impression of a person I met kind of.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s a close.
1
SPEAKER_00
Right, but it s still an original thing.
1
SPEAKER_00
Like I m just mimicking.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I remember when Jim Downey said, you know, go to the guy s,
1
SPEAKER_00
you know, go around to the other guys  offices and just do impressions, let them know what you, and I was like, so offended, like, I m not gonna be a door-to-door salesman.
1
SPEAKER_00
Fucking clown.
1
SPEAKER_00
But that s exactly what I should have done.
1
SPEAKER_00
If I could have done it over again, I would have just walked into your office and been like.
1
SPEAKER_00
I wrote a list out of everyone that I did.
1
SPEAKER_00
Really?
1
SPEAKER_00
And just passed it all around.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s smart.
1
SPEAKER_02
Who were you doing at that point, so this mid- 90s?
1
SPEAKER_00
Who d you come in with?
1
SPEAKER_02
You ve been in clubs for a few years.
1
SPEAKER_00
Like Pesci.
1
SPEAKER_00
Pesci, De Niro, Andrew McCarthy.
1
SPEAKER_00
Was that?
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
I think so.
1
SPEAKER_00
We did it.
1
SPEAKER_00
I love her, man.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
We did it with Phil on Sassy when he had that talk show.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, Sassy, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
We were just talking about Sassy.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
That was with Phil Hartman.
1
SPEAKER_00
See, that s funny.
1
SPEAKER_02
Like if people, if it s not accurate for me, like that s just funny.
2
SPEAKER_03
I love it, man.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s just a funny, ridden, funny attitude.
2
SPEAKER_03
And then you just say, that s Andrew McCarthy.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, and it works because if you have one move, the eyes and the voice close enough, there you get your laugh.
2
SPEAKER_00
That s all you need, really, in those sketches.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I did a bunch of black characters, like Arsenio and Tracy, but he wasn t famous yet.
2
SPEAKER_02
Glad it was 1995.
2
SPEAKER_01
Crippled Pussy, stay wet.
2
SPEAKER_01
So you re doing Crippled Pussy?
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, that s why I got these wheelchair gloves, David Spade.
2
SPEAKER_03
And this was seeing him in the clubs.
2
SPEAKER_03
He wasn t on SNL?
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I went to go see him at the improv.
2
SPEAKER_02
I went to go see him at the improv.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I walked into the improv and he s fist fighting the audience in the hallway before they redid it.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I go to help him.
2
SPEAKER_02
It was like 80 against one.
2
SPEAKER_02
And he s just like, yeah, I miss my daughter.
2
SPEAKER_02
God damn it.
2
SPEAKER_02
And then I go to help him in the fight and he turns to punch me in the face and his fist stops like right at my face and he stops and he goes, I m not gonna fuck with you, Jay Moores, you legendary.
2
SPEAKER_02
That was his way of saying, I almost just punched you in the face.
2
SPEAKER_02
I put a baby in you, Jay.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, Jay Moore got me boy pregnant.
2
SPEAKER_02
I like when Tracy does observational humor, but it s only observational to Tracy.
2
SPEAKER_02
He s on stage at like Oxnard.
2
SPEAKER_02
Who else remembers finger fucking Portuguese girls on their handball courts?
2
SPEAKER_02
You know what I m talking about.
2
SPEAKER_01
You know what I m talking about.
2
SPEAKER_02
Old white people with turquoise.
2
SPEAKER_02
They all have like turquoise jewelry on.
2
SPEAKER_02
They re all like earthy.
2
SPEAKER_02
They re from Montecito.
2
SPEAKER_03
They just went down to Oxnard.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know them Portuguese girls been giving up the pussy on their handball courts.
2
SPEAKER_00
Well, Tracy, we re not going to have you back.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, okay.
2
SPEAKER_00
I fucking love him so much.
2
SPEAKER_02
God damn, that s so funny.
2
SPEAKER_02
That s so fucking funny.
2
SPEAKER_02
Daryl Hammond tells a story of, Tracy was Daryl s savior.
2
SPEAKER_02
Daryl was struggling and Tracy goes, we gotta go give respect to the man.
2
SPEAKER_02
This is the streets, Daryl.
2
SPEAKER_02
So he s gotta go, we have to have our meeting with Lorne, just let him know we re soldiers.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, okay.
2
SPEAKER_02
And so they wait for like two hours and they finally get in and Lauren s like, I have a seat guys.
2
SPEAKER_02
Hold on a second.
2
SPEAKER_02
Hello, Mick.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s like Mick Jagger calls.
2
SPEAKER_02
They re sitting in those big fucking chairs.
2
SPEAKER_02
And he s like, one second.
2
SPEAKER_02
Hello, Mick.
2
SPEAKER_02
How s the tour going, man?
2
SPEAKER_02
And then they start talking and Dick Cheney s office calls.
2
SPEAKER_02
They re just getting more emasculated.
2
SPEAKER_02
So it s like eight minutes total.
2
SPEAKER_02
And then he goes, all right, thanks.
2
SPEAKER_02
And they go outside the office and Tracy looks at Daryl and goes, there ain t no eye rolling in that motherfucker D. And that meant.
2
SPEAKER_02
Like we re in the big leagues.
2
SPEAKER_02
There ain t no eye rolling in that motherfucker D. So did you partner up with
2
SPEAKER_03
with Daryl a little bit, both two Impressionists.
2
SPEAKER_03
We ve been doing shows.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, really?
2
SPEAKER_02
Now, right?
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, good.
2
SPEAKER_02
Like just a night of Impressions.
2
SPEAKER_02
He does 20 minutes, I do 20 minutes.
2
SPEAKER_02
Do you have any overloppers?
2
SPEAKER_03
And then Q&A, is this to two of you?
2
SPEAKER_02
We shut down the Q&A last year, because it s like, do, the Q&A s like, do Schwarzenegger.
2
SPEAKER_02
Q and A s are tough.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, we like to take all the variables out.
2
SPEAKER_02
We have a guy, Greg Baldwin, who s like the moderator.
2
SPEAKER_02
He s like the James Lipton.
2
SPEAKER_02
And then we do, you know, we just go back and forth, back and forth.
2
SPEAKER_02
We tell a couple stories and then we ll do like speed around, which is mostly cartoons.
2
SPEAKER_03
That sounds great.
2
SPEAKER_02
That sounds like a great show.
2
SPEAKER_02
You like cartoons?
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
Who s your favorite Muppet?
2
SPEAKER_03
Kermit.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
I hold Kermit the frog.
2
SPEAKER_03
No, I like some other ones.
2
SPEAKER_03
Cookie Monster.
2
SPEAKER_03
Who s a homeless guy?
2
SPEAKER_03
Are you guessing or like, who is your favorite Muppet?
2
SPEAKER_03
No, I m not a Muppet guy.
2
SPEAKER_03
I d be- Shimp.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m not a Muppet guy.
2
SPEAKER_02
Beaker.
2
SPEAKER_02
Beaker s tight.
2
SPEAKER_02
And his boss, Professor Honeydew.
2
SPEAKER_02
Is that the bald guy?
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, he had no eyes, but he had glasses.
2
SPEAKER_00
Muppets are killing it.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m an Muppet guy.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m old school.
2
SPEAKER_00
I like Bert.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh yeah, Bert and Ernie.
2
SPEAKER_00
What was the story with them?
2
SPEAKER_03
Everybody- Yeah, one came out, right?
2
SPEAKER_02
Bert, everybody thinks Bert s an asshole, but Ernie just wore him down and totally snapped.
2
SPEAKER_00
Bert just runs a tight ship.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, military guy.
2
SPEAKER_00
Ernie was a- Navy guy.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, Ernie was kind of a fuck around.
2
SPEAKER_02
Bert s a total Navy guy, make the bed nice and early.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, and they have to be a little opposite to make it work, I think.
2
SPEAKER_02
So going back to Dana s question.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yes, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
I didn t really bring anything other than impressions in with me, but then I kept,
2
SPEAKER_02
my impressions like a secret, and then I had resentments that nobody was writing sketches.
2
SPEAKER_02
Dumbest thing you ve ever done.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, which is, again, I m treated awfully.
2
SPEAKER_03
Because, I mean, you did all these movies, and I see you like this, and I got a question for you.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m jumping around, I m sorry.
2
SPEAKER_00
My co-host was asking you something.
2
SPEAKER_03
I was just saying you re more than an impressionist in your career, you know, sports commentator.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s not what I was going to say.
2
SPEAKER_02
Well, that s the thing with impressions too.
2
SPEAKER_02
When people go, how come you don t do impressions when you re on stage?
2
SPEAKER_02
It s not, to me, it s not standup.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s a whole different toolbox.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
I feel like I m kind of cheating.
2
SPEAKER_02
Like this isn t stand up.
2
SPEAKER_02
I m just doing these fucking voices.
2
SPEAKER_02
I used to be, I would get teased a lot in San Francisco, like Bobby Slade.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, yeah, do a funny voice, do a funny voice.
2
SPEAKER_03
You know, that s all you do.
2
SPEAKER_03
And then I walked into the Holy City Zoo, this little club one night, and he s doing one of the Bowery Boys.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s like his big closing.
2
SPEAKER_00
The Bowery Boys.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, the Bowery Boys.
2
SPEAKER_03
Timely.
2
SPEAKER_03
Going back.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, it seems like it s a big advantage just to have impressions to go to, maybe not depend on, but to go to on that show.
2
SPEAKER_02
Only if people know that you have them.
2
SPEAKER_03
Didn t you just go around to office and go, hey, how about this?
2
SPEAKER_03
The guy s saying, they literally never found out you got this secret weapon.
2
SPEAKER_02
No, they found out, like, you know, it would be like whatever movie was playing.
2
SPEAKER_02
Right.
2
SPEAKER_02
I would start quoting the movie because I just talk in movie quotes all the time anyway.
2
SPEAKER_02
So that s how I got Keitel on and- Keitel.
2
SPEAKER_02
Look, I understand you re super fucking pissed.
2
SPEAKER_01
Uh, Joe.
2
SPEAKER_01
Harvey Keitel.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t know what you think you know, but you re wrong.
2
SPEAKER_01
He s a good kid.
2
SPEAKER_02
Keitel, I never hear anyone do.
2
SPEAKER_02
Well, let s say you paid attention to the broadcast.
2
SPEAKER_02
We did it.
2
SPEAKER_02
You were in the sketch.
2
SPEAKER_02
No, I know.
2
SPEAKER_02
We did.
2
SPEAKER_02
Wow, SNL secrets.
2
SPEAKER_02
What one was it?
2
SPEAKER_02
Where do you guys hide the cameras?
2
SPEAKER_00
We re not filming this stupid thing.
2
SPEAKER_00
That s why- We couldn t afford it.
2
SPEAKER_00
Could you describe what you re doing, because we re stupid.
2
SPEAKER_00
No, my eye is fucked up.
2
SPEAKER_00
What happened, sweetie?
2
SPEAKER_00
I was going to tell you when you came in.
2
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
2
SPEAKER_00
I just woke up, my eye was red on the side, so it looks like shit.
2
SPEAKER_00
But I think it s not life-threatening.
2
SPEAKER_02
Did you have characters when you came in?
2
SPEAKER_00
You know, we did the thing where you
2
SPEAKER_00
Like what you guys are saying about your standup, mine was just stories and standup and punchlines and just talking.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I really wasn t loaded to go in there to go, I think it s a good idea to go into the offices and say, Hey guys, I can do this.
2
SPEAKER_00
Or, Hey, if you ever need some, but you have to,
2
SPEAKER_00
I m wondering why does no one write for me, but no one even knows who I am.
2
SPEAKER_00
And they don t give a fuck.
2
SPEAKER_00
And they ve got 10 guys that are great right there to pick from.
2
SPEAKER_00
So you almost have to go sell yourself, which is what we both didn t do.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I didn t have as much to offer.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like I was just like sort of sarcastic.
2
SPEAKER_00
That might ve been what they picked up just around the office or talking at the read-through table or at a rewrites.
2
SPEAKER_00
But you had some things that were useful, like impressions and attitudes.
2
SPEAKER_00
I guess it would have been good for you to go to Smigel, go to Conan, go to those guys, whoever was still around.
2
SPEAKER_00
Jack Handy probably wouldn t have written that much for either of us because he was writing his own stuff that was...
2
SPEAKER_00
I almost didn t need people.
2
SPEAKER_03
Well, you want to have a reason to do the impression that s kind of organic.
2
SPEAKER_03
Those guys make a good sketch around your impression.
2
SPEAKER_03
Rather than just a cavalcade of, you know.
2
SPEAKER_02
It was funny, like the things that don t get on, like when you re just swinging for the fences, because you ve had no sketches on for so long.
2
SPEAKER_02
I remember me and Steve looked at Christopher Walken as a waiter at Friday s, and that was the whole sketch.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, it is that you- Like, you should have a dessert.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s Mount Fudgeopolis.
2
SPEAKER_02
That s such a funny it was funny, but it s just like what s what s what is the sketch?
2
SPEAKER_02
I work here, right?
2
SPEAKER_00
I remember Andy Robin had a sketch.
2
SPEAKER_00
He wound up going on Seinfeld as a writer.
2
SPEAKER_00
But when he was on SNL, he had a sketch where people walk by each other in an office and they go, how you doing?
2
SPEAKER_00
He goes, this week or something.
2
SPEAKER_00
They kept missing what they were saying.
2
SPEAKER_00
And they d say the wrong answer.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know what I mean?
2
SPEAKER_00
Like he misheard them or something or something dumb.
2
SPEAKER_00
But it was just walk-bys, the whole sketch, I think.
2
SPEAKER_00
And then he submitted it probably five times.
2
SPEAKER_00
And that is the hardest thing to do is if you re not getting on.
2
SPEAKER_00
And the second time you put a sketch in, I ve done it, it s got a stink on it.
2
SPEAKER_00
No matter why it didn t get on the first time, even if the host, it got cut after dress or it killed, but then it bumped with something the second time just isn t as good.
2
SPEAKER_00
And it s just harder and harder to get something on.
2
SPEAKER_00
Did you re resubmit things you were saying you did?
2
SPEAKER_02
Psychic Friends Network, because it got, it got, why did it get cut?
2
SPEAKER_00
How did it get cut?
3
SPEAKER_02
The first, it was first week with Charles Barkley and Nirvana when I did Barkley versus Barney.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh, that s great.
3
SPEAKER_02
At the cold open, which was just, I panicked.
3
SPEAKER_02
I was like, Barkley, but like, I didn t know what the fuck I was doing.
3
SPEAKER_02
And then I had to write it.
3
SPEAKER_02
And then- And you were Barney the dinosaur?
3
SPEAKER_02
No, no, it was just because there was commercials of Charles Barkley playing basketball against Godzilla for Nike at the time.
3
SPEAKER_02
So I was like, Barney versus Barney.
3
SPEAKER_02
And I was like, oh, this is great.
3
SPEAKER_02
Okay, I m in.
3
SPEAKER_02
And then we shot it at Hunter College.
3
SPEAKER_02
It s like the next morning, like 8 a.m., Thursday morning.
3
SPEAKER_02
And then when I get there, like, Al Franken s just got like Video Village.
3
SPEAKER_02
And he s like, all right, he s got a shot list.
3
SPEAKER_02
Which in hindsight, thank God, because what am I, I was like, you guys play basketball, you beat up the guy in the Barney suit.
3
SPEAKER_02
They had a stunt man in a Barney suit.
3
SPEAKER_02
I was like, it s a very unfair tug-of-war guy that s been there eight days, Al Franken, the guy that s going to be a senator.
3
SPEAKER_02
And the big argument was he didn t
3
SPEAKER_02
At one point, I had Barkley kneeing, just basketball s out the window, and he just knees Barney in the nuts.
3
SPEAKER_02
And Franken goes, no, we re not doing that.
3
SPEAKER_02
And he s like, you can t have Charles Barkley kneeing Barney in the nuts.
3
SPEAKER_02
You can t?
3
SPEAKER_02
And that was my only thing where I dug in and I was like, this has to be, and we wound up doing it.
3
SPEAKER_02
But it was really bizarre.
3
SPEAKER_01
Was it in it?
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
So the Psychic Friends Network, it was Nirvana and Barkley.
3
SPEAKER_02
No, sorry, it was the second week with the Shannon Doherty and Cypress Hill.
3
SPEAKER_02
What do you mean, oof?
3
SPEAKER_02
Well, I ll tell you.
3
SPEAKER_02
So the conceit of the sketch is Christopher Walken s the last guy you want getting inside your head and helping you with psychic issues.
3
SPEAKER_02
It s like, you know, I can help you with romance.
3
SPEAKER_02
I could be in your garage waiting for you when you get home.
3
SPEAKER_02
Charity and so it s a really good tone you have and then we had other like David was Crispin you were Crispin Glover like hey, I want to help you
3
SPEAKER_02
It s all these celebrities that you don t want.
3
SPEAKER_02
And then we got away to a phone and the phone doesn t ring cause everybody s freaked out.
3
SPEAKER_02
And he keeps going, why aren t you calling?
3
SPEAKER_02
And I had Shannon Doherty as Sean Young in the cat suit.
3
SPEAKER_02
Cause the story at the time was like, she showed up to Warner Brothers dressed as Catwoman cause she wanted a part and she freaked everybody out.
3
SPEAKER_02
And then Shannon Doherty like on Friday says, I m not comfortable making fun of Sean Young.
3
SPEAKER_02
And it was like, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah
3
SPEAKER_02
How s the Christopher Walken sketch coming?
3
SPEAKER_02
And I said, I m not gonna do it this week.
3
SPEAKER_02
And he goes, I think you have guilt and momentum on your side.
3
SPEAKER_02
And I was like.
3
SPEAKER_02
I didn t have a computer.
3
SPEAKER_02
I was writing on yellow legal pad.
3
SPEAKER_02
I didn t know where to hand it in.
3
SPEAKER_02
Like, I don t know where to hand it in.
3
SPEAKER_02
Claire.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, Claire.
3
SPEAKER_02
Claire went home at fucking 10.
3
SPEAKER_02
It s 3 a.m.
3
SPEAKER_02
She s just trying to hand it to somebody.
3
SPEAKER_02
All the guys are hitting a button on their computer and the sketch goes to the magic sketch place.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, it sucked because you go in there.
3
SPEAKER_01
First of all, you write in legal pad.
3
SPEAKER_01
I go home at three in the morning, finish writing it.
3
SPEAKER_01
I have to take a cab back from the Upper West Side to hand it in to Claire and the Mad Men girls that are typing it.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then I go back home and then I come back for read through.
3
SPEAKER_01
So it wasn t like attachments and there was no laptop.
3
SPEAKER_01
So it was fucking horrible.
3
SPEAKER_01
Remember that s how it was for you, right?
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
And I didn t know, I knew nothing about writing a sketch.
3
SPEAKER_02
I didn t know if you re in the sketch, I don t know if I write David or do I write Crispin.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
I still don t actually.
3
SPEAKER_02
The lowest common denominator.
3
SPEAKER_02
That s a good question.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m not sure I know right at this moment.
3
SPEAKER_01
And back then, did we put... I just fucking... Did we put names of us?
3
SPEAKER_01
Names?
3
SPEAKER_01
No, you put the name of the character.
3
SPEAKER_01
No, you put character.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
I remember, you know, I saw yesterday, Ian Maxton and Dave Mandel.
3
SPEAKER_02
Remember when Norm knocked him out, cold.
3
SPEAKER_02
You remember that?
3
SPEAKER_01
I think he squirted water.
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t ever see Norm being violent.
3
SPEAKER_01
Say whatever you re about to say.
3
SPEAKER_01
Dave was, why not?
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_01
Norm violent?
3
SPEAKER_01
I never saw Norm.
3
SPEAKER_02
I don t want to say I was violent.
3
SPEAKER_02
He squirted him with water.
3
SPEAKER_02
By chance, you know.
3
SPEAKER_02
It was a cigarette thing.
3
SPEAKER_02
So Norm would smoke after the no smoking.
3
SPEAKER_02
Like this is, people don t understand.
3
SPEAKER_02
Like it used to be like, you could smoke in buildings.
3
SPEAKER_02
It was like, whatever.
3
SPEAKER_02
And then all of a sudden it was like, by the way, like you re not allowed to smoke in buildings anymore.
3
SPEAKER_02
So there was a grace period of people like, oh, that s right, I forgot.
3
SPEAKER_02
Or they didn t care.
3
SPEAKER_02
So Norm was on the same, where Farley got, where I tackled Farley.
3
SPEAKER_02
He was on that couch smoking.
3
SPEAKER_02
And Ian, Max, Stone, Graham, all six, 10 of them walks in with his little faggy yogurt.
3
SPEAKER_02
He always had like- Excuse me?
3
SPEAKER_02
You mean a festive yogurt?
3
SPEAKER_02
Happy.
3
SPEAKER_00
That was the name of it.
3
SPEAKER_02
It was Happy Gay Yogurt.
3
SPEAKER_02
And he walked in with his yogurt and oats and Norm smoking and he had a plastic cup of water and he just looked at Norm and he threw the water on Norm and Norm just stood up one punch out.
3
SPEAKER_00
Norm was deceptively a big guy.
3
SPEAKER_00
You don t really think of it.
3
SPEAKER_00
I mean, he was sort of a beanpole in a way in the 90s.
3
SPEAKER_00
He got thicker.
3
SPEAKER_02
Big.
3
SPEAKER_02
Do you remember when you guys did the crystal meth sketch?
3
SPEAKER_02
You were like Tony Robbins, the weight loss guy.
3
SPEAKER_02
I think it was you and Fred and it was ride the snake.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh yeah, ride the snake.
3
SPEAKER_02
Basically you get people hooked on meth to lose weight.
3
SPEAKER_02
And on those commercials where they ll show like an outline of a fat body and it says like after six weeks and it goes in a little bit, this one was like six hours and it was like a skeleton.
3
SPEAKER_02
So they had this thing of,
3
SPEAKER_02
Farley had a drive-thru window, a pre-filmed piece, and he s like, let me have 14 cheeseburgers, 14 apple pies, 22 french fries, and three chocolate milkshakes.
3
SPEAKER_02
And the guy in the box goes, will that be all?
3
SPEAKER_02
And he goes, no, I ll also have.
3
SPEAKER_02
So we argued for two hours over what the back end of that order should be like He should just repeat the exact same order or like no make that diet coke.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, or no Give me three apple pies and for two hours, you know, it just goes around and around and Norm was in the corner
3
SPEAKER_02
of the room, I think it was 3.30 in the morning at this point, Norm goes, hey, you guys have Chris at that drive-thru window, you know, going to give me all these burgers, you know?
3
SPEAKER_02
And the guy in the box goes, hey, will that be all?
3
SPEAKER_02
And how about Chris says, yes.
3
SPEAKER_02
That s a great norm.
3
SPEAKER_02
That s an incredible norm.
3
SPEAKER_02
When they filmed it, Chris had like this look of incredible pride.
3
SPEAKER_02
The guy goes, will that be all?
3
SPEAKER_02
I remember it.
3
SPEAKER_01
Leans on his elbow.
3
SPEAKER_01
He goes, yes.
3
SPEAKER_02
He was already working for him.
3
SPEAKER_02
Like he had different habits at this point in his crystal meth career.
3
SPEAKER_02
I mean, I think- It s amazing.
3
SPEAKER_02
He could get a laugh.
3
SPEAKER_02
But like Norm with one syllable, we were just a pack of dogs hunting in the wrong direction.
3
SPEAKER_02
And Norm s like, eh, yes.
3
SPEAKER_02
Simplified it.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
And we would go back and forth over many jokes like that.
3
SPEAKER_01
Like, how do you get out of a sketch?
3
SPEAKER_01
And if you re the writer of the sketch, or if it s your sketch, you do get to pick, like you get a Downey throwing a joke in, a Smigel, a Frank, and it s great.
3
SPEAKER_01
And you get to add, like when Rob did Copy Machine and everyone s like, stings, stinging, you know, everyone throw in anything and he, you get the benefit of a room.
3
SPEAKER_01
Every sketch does, not just Rob s, everyone.
3
SPEAKER_01
That s fun.
3
SPEAKER_02
Down here, I remember when it s like week three and he goes, you know, I got, I want to talk to you about comedy writing at some point.
3
SPEAKER_02
And I was like, oh yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
About what, comedy writing?
3
SPEAKER_02
Comedy writing.
3
SPEAKER_02
I was like, great.
3
SPEAKER_02
And so I was like, hey, you got time?
3
SPEAKER_02
And he s like, no, not today.
3
SPEAKER_02
It ll be like down the line.
3
SPEAKER_02
Me and you are going to sit down.
3
SPEAKER_02
I want to talk to you about comedy writing.
3
SPEAKER_02
So it s like week, I don t know, 17.
3
SPEAKER_02
And he goes, Jay, what are you doing?
3
SPEAKER_02
He goes, when are we going to have that talk about comedy?
3
SPEAKER_02
I was like, I m ready.
3
SPEAKER_02
He goes, come on in.
3
SPEAKER_02
I go in his office and he goes, you know what the three funniest words in comedy are?
3
SPEAKER_02
I go, no.
3
SPEAKER_02
He goes, full-blown AIDS.
3
SPEAKER_02
Full-blown AIDS.
3
SPEAKER_02
And I go, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
He goes, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
All right.
3
SPEAKER_01
Thanks for coming by.
3
SPEAKER_01
That was a hit.
3
SPEAKER_02
He set me up for four months.
3
SPEAKER_01
Set you up.
3
SPEAKER_02
Four months.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then he says- When are we gonna have that talk?
3
SPEAKER_01
Full blown answer.
3
SPEAKER_01
We saw Downey this week.
3
SPEAKER_01
Really?
3
SPEAKER_00
And I haven t seen him forever.
3
SPEAKER_00
I had dinner with him last night.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
He talked about the Indian British War in 1740 for like an hour.
3
SPEAKER_00
Unbelievable mind.
3
SPEAKER_00
I love that stuff.
3
SPEAKER_00
This just in.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh yeah, it s so fun to listen to him talk about American history.
3
SPEAKER_00
He ll go into a college library for hours in Yale or something.
3
SPEAKER_02
I love when he d turn up on sketches or like when Smigel would turn up on a sketch, I always feel like, ooh, somebody from the other side cracked through.
3
SPEAKER_01
Cracked through, it s hard to be a feature player.
3
SPEAKER_01
I think Odenkirk and Conan were feature players and they never got a fair shot.
4
SPEAKER_01
shake to be in, especially when I was there.
4
SPEAKER_03
The only time I saw Conan on camera was that Get Handsome sketch when Mike Myers was doing Get Handsome.
4
SPEAKER_03
He s one of the guys in the audience like, I got handsome.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh yeah, that was probably for an Alec Baldwin type host too.
4
SPEAKER_03
How about the amount of rewrites when they re not needed?
4
SPEAKER_03
Like Mike Myers would just hand in these perfect sketches and you d just sit in a room for eight hours and guys would just dissect his sketch.
4
SPEAKER_03
It s like, bro, it s just Mike.
4
SPEAKER_01
I know, why are we doing it?
4
SPEAKER_03
It s perfect.
4
SPEAKER_01
If people at home don t know, the rewrite table, would it start at one on Thursday after read-through?
4
SPEAKER_01
Read-through s Wednesday.
4
SPEAKER_01
I mean, ideally.
4
SPEAKER_01
It starts around one, roughly, and it goes till about 4 a.m.
4
SPEAKER_01
So you re there, that s a long haul.
4
SPEAKER_01
And every sketch gets about two hours or something.
4
SPEAKER_01
It just gets my mind.
4
SPEAKER_03
What was the name of the restaurant you mentioned?
4
SPEAKER_01
Wally and Joseph s.
4
SPEAKER_03
I remember, I felt like a big shot when you were like, come on, we re going out.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, yeah, it s fun.
4
SPEAKER_03
Wally and Joseph s.
4
SPEAKER_03
But I always felt, because you came in with like Timmy and like you said, like Adam and Rob.
4
SPEAKER_03
And so you guys were kind of a group.
4
SPEAKER_03
And then when I came in, anytime I was with you guys, I felt like a freshman hanging out with seniors.
4
SPEAKER_03
It s like you re in the conversation, but you re not real.
4
SPEAKER_01
But you weren t part of like the next group, you re sort of a tweener kind of, right?
4
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, it was me, Sarah, Norm, and all the Harvard guys, like Steve Luckner, Lou Morton, Dave Mandel, and then Dave Attell also.
4
SPEAKER_00
There s so many Ivy League writers on SNL.
4
SPEAKER_03
I know.
4
SPEAKER_00
I know, where d you go to, did you go to college?
4
SPEAKER_03
You know, no one s ever asked me that in my life.
4
SPEAKER_03
Really?
4
SPEAKER_03
Ever.
4
SPEAKER_03
That s the first, I used to joke about it.
4
SPEAKER_03
Nobody s ever asked me, where d you go to college?
4
SPEAKER_03
It s just implied.
4
SPEAKER_00
Only because you re mentioning the Harvard guys, but yeah.
4
SPEAKER_03
This is New Jersey public school.
4
SPEAKER_00
San Francisco State, baby.
4
SPEAKER_00
95 bucks a semester.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah?
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, it s just a joke.
4
SPEAKER_00
No, I was a straight D student.
4
SPEAKER_03
It s not Harvard, is it?
4
SPEAKER_03
Because there s no curriculum for standup comedy.
4
SPEAKER_03
Right.
4
SPEAKER_03
And so it s just like, what is this?
4
SPEAKER_03
We re adding letters.
4
SPEAKER_03
Like, what the fuck are we talking about?
4
SPEAKER_03
And then you go, but like,
4
SPEAKER_00
So you just got in the clubs right out of high school then.
4
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, I started at 16, same as you.
4
16?
4
SPEAKER_00
I didn t start at 16.
4
SPEAKER_00
What did I say?
4
SPEAKER_00
You didn t let me finish.
4
SPEAKER_00
You said 20.
4
SPEAKER_00
He said 60.
4
SPEAKER_00
He said 20.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, you didn t let me finish.
4
SPEAKER_01
I have another question for you.
4
SPEAKER_01
Ready?
4
SPEAKER_01
By the way, when you look up research on you, it says, what Jay s favorite songs are.
4
SPEAKER_01
Really?
4
SPEAKER_01
Why?
4
SPEAKER_03
I think that was a Don Imus question.
4
SPEAKER_03
You gotta give him your top five songs.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh.
4
SPEAKER_00
All right, here, because it s out in the ether, what s the difference between whether you could talk about your first marriage versus your recent marriage?
4
SPEAKER_00
I mean, being a mature adult- Is it easier to be married later in life?
4
SPEAKER_00
Being a mature adult, getting married as opposed to being...
4
SPEAKER_00
Young.
4
SPEAKER_00
Lauren said something wise.
4
SPEAKER_03
Every man should have three marriages.
4
SPEAKER_03
One in his 20s and 30s, one in his 40s, and the third in his 50s when he knows what he really wants.
4
SPEAKER_03
And that s exactly how it went with me.
4
SPEAKER_03
You had three?
4
SPEAKER_03
Did you have three?
4
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_03
And Jeannie s the first.
4
SPEAKER_03
I m not even gonna say marriage, cause I don t want to put anybody on blast, but like the first woman I ve ever been with that just wasn t like depressed.
4
SPEAKER_03
So it s like, like with her career and like her own, like, oh, I m going to go look at, I m going to go, what d you say?
4
SPEAKER_03
I said, there s some blast.
4
SPEAKER_01
But I get it, but you re younger.
4
SPEAKER_01
Expound on that.
4
SPEAKER_01
The one I knew was an actress, seemed like a great girl.
4
SPEAKER_01
And that, I think everyone just changes in life.
4
SPEAKER_01
So you change, maybe she changes, maybe it s a great run, and then it just turns into something else where it doesn t work out.
4
SPEAKER_03
The first one, I just was never like in love.
4
SPEAKER_03
Just sort of, that s how it goes.
4
SPEAKER_03
That s the progression of a relationship.
4
SPEAKER_03
You know, when you re dating someone and you re young and they go, why don t we go steady?
4
SPEAKER_03
And you re like, you know, cause I m from the fifties.
4
SPEAKER_03
When are you to wear my sweater, my pin?
4
SPEAKER_03
When are you going to do this?
4
SPEAKER_03
When are we going to live together?
4
SPEAKER_03
And you re like, all right, we ll live together.
4
SPEAKER_03
I turned into Colin Quinn.
4
SPEAKER_03
All right, we ll live together.
4
SPEAKER_03
Let s not, you know, cohabitate too long.
4
SPEAKER_03
I digress.
4
SPEAKER_00
That is a great Colin Quinn.
4
SPEAKER_00
We have to call these out.
4
SPEAKER_00
He just did a brilliant Colin Quinn.
4
SPEAKER_03
When are we going to get engaged?
4
SPEAKER_03
When are we going to get married?
4
SPEAKER_03
And the proposal was like, there s your ring.
4
SPEAKER_03
Are you happy?
4
SPEAKER_03
Like, that s actually how it went.
4
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_03
So that s not a good omen.
4
SPEAKER_00
So that, how long did that last?
4
SPEAKER_03
That happens a lot.
4
SPEAKER_03
Six years.
4
SPEAKER_03
But I was on the show and she was in LA.
4
SPEAKER_00
So I was... Let me insert this.
4
SPEAKER_00
Did you ever hear Lauren say this?
4
SPEAKER_00
There s something about a man in his forties and a woman in her twenties.
4
SPEAKER_00
They re both at the peak of their power.
4
SPEAKER_00
Did he say that?
4
SPEAKER_00
It s almost Dr. Evil.
4
SPEAKER_00
That was almost Jimmy Stewart.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, they re both at the peak of their power.
4
SPEAKER_00
And the other quote, have you heard this one?
4
SPEAKER_00
I said it on the podcast, Lauren, again.
4
SPEAKER_00
Marriage is a prison that everyone s trying to escape into.
4
SPEAKER_00
You know who said that?
4
SPEAKER_00
Kris Jenner.
4
SPEAKER_00
Anyway.
4
SPEAKER_02
So the second marriage.
4
SPEAKER_02
How do you know what you said?
4
SPEAKER_02
Cause I was, I m embarrassed.
4
SPEAKER_02
I was all fired up.
4
SPEAKER_02
I had Colin.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, well, I wanted to call out that you re just, he s throwing in these subtle impressions.
4
SPEAKER_00
So give us a little, what was the quote though?
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
Marriage is a prison that everyone s trying to escape into.
4
SPEAKER_03
Well, I don t I don t feel that way this time cuz I m you gotta understand.
4
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_03
All right.
4
SPEAKER_03
Let s break it down I ve been as of today.
4
SPEAKER_03
I ve been sober two years and six months.
4
SPEAKER_03
Oh, that s so I met Jeannie after my divorce were that a Divorce is the biggest
4
SPEAKER_03
a hole in your soul because you get married because you re certain it s an impossibility that you re gonna get divorced.
4
SPEAKER_03
That s why you get married, like, oh, this is it, this is great.
4
SPEAKER_03
And then when that starts, when the panels kind of start coming off the space shuttle, it gets, you get nuts.
4
SPEAKER_01
Christy McAuliffe said the same thing.
4
SPEAKER_00
It feels to me like a marriage, the one thing a marriage can t survive is contempt.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
Either from either side.
4
SPEAKER_01
Well, if you were not, if you were, if you were drinking or whatever.
4
SPEAKER_01
Well, what was your drug of choice?
4
SPEAKER_03
This time it was Adderall.
4
SPEAKER_03
Adderall?
4
SPEAKER_03
I went down.
4
SPEAKER_03
Oh, it helped me focus on getting.
4
SPEAKER_00
I think more people do Adderall.
4
SPEAKER_00
So then you started taking it just to feel okay?
4
SPEAKER_03
After the divorce, it was like, well, shit, I just wanted to feel something.
4
SPEAKER_03
I ve always been a drug addict and an alcoholic.
4
SPEAKER_03
It wasn t like this one event made me this thing.
4
SPEAKER_03
I was an alcoholic and drug addict when I was born, and long before I ever picked up a drink, I ve always needed more than anybody else in every capacity.
4
SPEAKER_00
And yeah, it s just a genetic brain chemistry.
4
SPEAKER_03
Everybody else has this plan for living that I m not aware of, and I always felt like I m the outside looking in.
4
SPEAKER_03
Like if you and I were kids and I was at your house and we were on your couch watching TV, I would spend that entire time trying to convince you that we were having a good time on your couch watching TV.
4
SPEAKER_03
Like I was just needy, desperation s got a very distinct scent and I stunk.
4
SPEAKER_00
And we all are having a fist fight in our head, either a lot or a little, you know.
4
SPEAKER_03
So I quit drinking 1998 and then I used drugs alcoholically.
4
SPEAKER_03
I m a big pill guy.
4
SPEAKER_03
I love pills.
4
SPEAKER_03
So it was like Viking and Norco.
4
SPEAKER_03
And then when I stopped that a couple of times and then Adderall is the one that brought down the beast.
4
SPEAKER_03
And, um,
4
SPEAKER_03
So the divorce didn t make me use, I chose to go back to using drugs.
4
SPEAKER_03
I felt like I was, I like having a secret, like I m getting away with something.
4
SPEAKER_00
So this was right when the pandemic was starting, kind of?
4
SPEAKER_03
Before, in the middle of the pandemic was fantastic.
4
SPEAKER_03
I was just snorting Adderall and I was paddle boarding and fishing from my paddle board.
4
SPEAKER_03
I was just insane.
4
SPEAKER_03
I lived in Malibu on the water and I would just snort rails of Adderall.
4
SPEAKER_03
Did it make you lose a tremendous amount of weight?
4
SPEAKER_03
Oh yeah, I went into treatment at like 160.
4
SPEAKER_03
I just was all, I ll show you my before.
4
SPEAKER_01
You know, Adderall s big.
4
SPEAKER_01
I was having lunch with people about only like a year ago.
4
SPEAKER_01
And the guy goes, I wish I had my Adderall with me.
4
SPEAKER_01
I don t have one.
4
SPEAKER_01
And the waitress came out, he goes, do you have an Adderall?
4
SPEAKER_01
And she goes, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I was like, does everyone have Adderall?
4
SPEAKER_00
He s like, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
I know people just take a decent amount and then write or do a project.
4
SPEAKER_00
but then add addictions, a whole nother.
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, it s hard to keep it in check, I m sure.
4
SPEAKER_03
So I met Jeannie at the very beginning where it was like, manage, it was fun, fun with problems, then it s problems.
4
SPEAKER_03
So she met me at the fun and then it was fun with problems.
4
SPEAKER_03
I had a radio show and I interviewed her over the phone and I imagine that there was like a vibe there over the phone.
4
SPEAKER_03
I m like, all right, joining us now is Jeannie Boss on the hotline.
4
SPEAKER_03
And then I went to the Twitter DM, I asked her to do my podcast and then I had left my house.
4
SPEAKER_03
I was staying at the Beverly hills hotel.
4
SPEAKER_03
And when I went to the elevators to go get her, when she walked out of the elevator, it was just.
4
SPEAKER_03
I was done, like it was slow motion.
4
SPEAKER_03
It was actually, for me, it was love at first sight.
4
SPEAKER_00
So you talked to her on the phone or over in the radio and then you see her in person.
4
SPEAKER_00
So the vibe is so strong, just instant.
4
SPEAKER_03
I mean, I think it was one-sided, like, you know, she was, I don t think she had love at first sight, but I like, I remember it was slow motion.
4
SPEAKER_03
I remember like there was a green elevator door and that palm tree carpet.
4
SPEAKER_03
I was like, whoa.
4
SPEAKER_03
And I just wanted to be with her all the time.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then- She s a happy person, is kind of what you alluded to.
4
SPEAKER_00
That s very- Well, I m a happy person, too.
4
SPEAKER_00
But you were coming right off the addiction at that point.
4
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, and it was like, this person, I don t know.
4
SPEAKER_03
It was a puzzle piece that had been missing from my big jigsaw puzzle my whole life, I felt.
4
SPEAKER_03
And then my drug addiction got really bad, and she was at my intervention, which was an intervention being the worst surprise party.
5
SPEAKER_01
you walk in, like everybody you love is there and you re like, hey, oh no.
5
SPEAKER_01
And then I thought she did the intervention.
5
SPEAKER_01
So, you know, when you re angry pack, you either never take your eyes off, you either don t look at them at all or you never take your eyes off them.
5
SPEAKER_01
Angry packing?
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, so I was like, I was just angry packing for rehab and I never took my eyes off a genie and then I got to rehab and all I had was socks.
5
SPEAKER_01
You did so badly.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
And then, you know, so she stuck with me.
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She stuck with you, that s a big deal.
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Like I was a mess.
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Like I was a mess.
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If the world was fair, like we definitely wouldn t be together.
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I would have lost that prize.
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And we got married last week.
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It s eight days today we ve been married.
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Any SNL people?
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No.
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They re gross.
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There s only 20 people.
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Yeah, I guess the odds aren t in our favor.
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David, I need you to pick the energy up a little bit.
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This is the most high energy he s ever been.
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NPR over here.
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No, you re talking about something nice.
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I m trying to shut the fuck up for a second.
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It s hard.
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It s very hard.
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So now this marriage is like none other, like nothing against the first two wives.
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No, I think it s like, it s also like, you know, it s your last.
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Yeah.
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It s like, I m 53.
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And it s, when you ve been so,
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humbled and demoralized and you ve come completely undone.
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And then you ve brick by brick and stone by stone built yourself back up into a human being that you ve been meant to be the whole time.
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And that person s waiting for you at the end of that journey.
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I mean, who else would you want to spend the rest of your life with?
5
SPEAKER_02
What s your coping mechanisms when you feel bad, if it s not Adderall or whatever?
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I m a weird guy.
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Do you meditate?
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Do you take a hike?
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Yeah, every day.
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I don t really feel bad, though.
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I m one of those weird, I m wired weird.
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For an addict, usually it s some anxiety.
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Or a draconic, even.
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I just wake up kind of fired up.
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I always know you to be upbeats.
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SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I m a happy dude, yeah.
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I ve always been that way.
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I don t know, sometimes it s just the way your hard drive is installed.
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SPEAKER_02
I think so, it feels like it s a thermostat that you get at birth.
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Yeah, and my thermostat s positive.
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Because even if I was on the cover of Rolling Stone or something, I felt I was always in this certain range, on a one to 10, maybe six or a seven.
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SPEAKER_02
Not happy-go-lucky, but it stayed kind of consistent.
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SPEAKER_01
Yeah, and in addiction, it goes the other way, where it just becomes this mania.
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SPEAKER_01
When I was in my addiction, I was diagnosed manic depressive.
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I was diagnosed bipolar.
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And then I work a program and I go through 12 steps for a program that might be anonymous.
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And then that became, now I have like this monotheism for all of my problems.
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Like every single problem in my life, it can be,
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remedied by the program.
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SPEAKER_02
So they re not, no one s suggesting medication or anything for?
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No, I actually got off.
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That was the end of the story that I forgot to put in is at about a year and a half sober, I got off all my medication.
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And it was just, it was a direct result of my drug addiction.
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SPEAKER_01
It s like the old equalizers on a car stereo where you get them just right.
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And when you snort Adderall, you just bang, you just blast them all up to 10 across treble, bass, fader, this.
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And then when you come off them, boom, they come crashing back down.
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And then you just keep jamming them back and forth, back and forth.
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And it s just not an accurate, it s just not an accurate gauge of how you re actually feeling.
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Because you re either in mania or you re just completely panicked because you re going to run out of drugs.
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SPEAKER_02
Damn, so Saturday Night Live is an emotionally violent place for anyone with mental health stuff.
5
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, but I was, I m...
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One of the best things I learned in recovery was that I am the reason for all of my suffering, which thrilled me because if I m the reason for my suffering, then I always have a solution.
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I can change how I m looking at something, or I can go be of service and help somebody else.
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And then just, because if I m pissed off, it s really just a perverse,
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selfishness, because if I m pissed off, I m only thinking about me.
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So as an alcohol, an active alcoholic on Saturday Night Live, it s, you know, woe is me, pour me, pour me, pour me a drink.
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SPEAKER_01
So it s like, I didn t get my, I didn t get my sketch on like, oh, this fucking blues, boo.
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And that s, if I could do it again, to be, I guess it s like the classic SNL lament, oh, if I could be 53 in that 23 year old body and just be like,
5
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Okay.
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SPEAKER_03
I can do it.
5
SPEAKER_03
I get to watch Nirvana rehearse.
5
SPEAKER_03
I know, you didn t even think of how great we had it, like see Nirvana in the cafeteria eating.
5
SPEAKER_02
I never felt like they owed me anything, or even in standup.
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I remember I would talk to young comedians.
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SPEAKER_00
Nirvana?
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They d get all into the drama.
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Yeah, I was friends with them.
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SPEAKER_02
Into the drama of standup.
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SPEAKER_02
I m getting fucked, man.
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SPEAKER_02
I should be middling by now.
5
SPEAKER_02
And they put that guy getting all wound up in that.
5
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I think guys like you and me had a lot of success quickly.
5
SPEAKER_01
It was sort of, yeah, don t you think so?
5
SPEAKER_01
I had a lot of stage fright.
5
SPEAKER_01
Well, there were no comedy clubs when I started.
5
SPEAKER_02
Literally, I opened for bands.
5
SPEAKER_02
That s really the key to enjoying the benefits of the program.
5
SPEAKER_01
That ll set you back.
5
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, just opening for bands and getting annihilated.
5
SPEAKER_02
Normal stuff.
5
SPEAKER_02
But once I got into a club, a real club, not a honky-tonk bar like the other cafe in the hate,
5
SPEAKER_02
I started to progress just because of the environment.
5
SPEAKER_01
Well, your talent though, you can t deny it.
5
SPEAKER_01
I think it s...
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Would you say that you rose quickly once you got into the right environment of clubs?
5
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I would say that as quickly as I can, that I never was able to wrap my mind around like I m one of those guys, like I m going to be on TV like Jerry Lewis or Jackie Gleason or something.
5
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And so I did a lot of shitty television.
5
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_02
Because I had no, they offered me Blue Thunder and I was in a helicopter, James Farentino, who was coked out and drinking straight vodka, by the way.
5
SPEAKER_02
What else did you do in a helicopter?
5
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I know.
5
SPEAKER_02
So in retrospect, it seems like.
5
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I played Morongo Casino and they sent the helicopter for me.
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And my pilot was Lorenzo Lamas.
5
SPEAKER_01
Shut the fudge up.
5
SPEAKER_01
The actor?
5
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Yeah.
5
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At Van Nuys Airport, they re like, this is your pilot.
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We call him Lorenzo Lamas.
5
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And I was like, ah, yeah, he looks like him.
5
SPEAKER_01
And then we re like somewhere over like Ontario.
5
SPEAKER_01
And I look at him, it says Lamas on his headset.
5
SPEAKER_01
To make, to grind it into you?
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I was like.
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SPEAKER_01
To make sure you ask him.
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SPEAKER_01
Yeah, only on my side.
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SPEAKER_01
I was only on my side.
5
SPEAKER_01
He had to switch it.
5
SPEAKER_01
And I wanted to ask him like, are you Lorenzo Lamas?
5
SPEAKER_01
But I didn t want to be that obvious.
5
SPEAKER_01
So I was like, hmm.
5
SPEAKER_01
So I was like, how much money do you think you ve left on the table doing this?
5
SPEAKER_01
That was pretty smooth to ask him that, right?
5
SPEAKER_01
Is that what you said?
5
SPEAKER_01
Instead of saying like, are you?
5
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And he goes, oh, I m 95% of it.
5
SPEAKER_01
I m like, okay, that s Lorenzo Lamas.
5
SPEAKER_02
So he s a helicopter pilot.
5
SPEAKER_01
He just digs it.
5
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And then he stayed, I said, come to the show.
5
SPEAKER_01
And he s like, I m not supposed to.
5
SPEAKER_01
I m like, come on.
5
SPEAKER_01
So he stayed for the show.
5
SPEAKER_01
And then we flew home and somewhere over like the desert, he goes, do you mind if we stop for gas?
5
SPEAKER_01
In the helicopter?
5
SPEAKER_01
Who says no to that?
5
SPEAKER_01
I prefer, let s just ride it out.
5
SPEAKER_01
We got this.
5
SPEAKER_03
What do you want, E?
5
SPEAKER_03
Before Jay goes, I have to tell him one more thing.
5
SPEAKER_03
I auditioned for Jerry Maguire.
5
SPEAKER_03
You did?
5
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, for your part.
5
SPEAKER_03
Really?
5
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, Bob Sugar.
5
SPEAKER_03
Interesting.
5
SPEAKER_03
So who got it?
5
SPEAKER_03
Anyway.
5
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You know who had it when we were auditioning?
5
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Is that Cameron Crowe?
5
SPEAKER_01
Yes, there was already an offer to Owen Wilson because they had done, Jim Brooks and Owen Wilson had already done Bottle Rocket together.
5
SPEAKER_01
So by the time that, I don t know about you, but hey, Owen.
5
SPEAKER_00
When I do Owen Wilson, it sounds like Jennifer Coolidge.
5
SPEAKER_00
I mean, I try to do it, but my mouth gets too tight and I say, we take it up.
5
SPEAKER_02
I do him telling a toddler he can t have any more candy.
5
SPEAKER_02
Please, let me.
5
SPEAKER_00
I don t think you should have any more candy.
5
SPEAKER_02
I m just doing Melissa.
5
SPEAKER_02
I love that guy.
5
SPEAKER_02
He s the greatest.
5
SPEAKER_01
When I saw Haunted Mansion, I m like, oh, he was on the screen.
5
SPEAKER_02
Owen Wilson.
5
SPEAKER_02
I love this guy.
5
SPEAKER_02
Woody Harrelson, Matthew McConaughey.
5
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_02
Three Texas eccentrics.
5
SPEAKER_02
Put them in some movie, Hollywood.
5
SPEAKER_02
I love those guys.
5
SPEAKER_03
Here s my Colin Quinn when I said his friend just moved in with his girlfriend.
5
SPEAKER_03
I go, did he like moving in with his girlfriend?
5
SPEAKER_03
He goes, what do you think?
5
SPEAKER_03
What do you think?
5
SPEAKER_01
Anyway, before we leave, I don t know, this is a quick podcast.
5
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I gotta tell you two spade stories that are fantastic.
5
SPEAKER_01
Where I was doing, I went back to see the show and I was filming Picture Perfect with Jennifer Aniston and I see Davey in the hallway and he goes, how do you like working with Jenny?
5
SPEAKER_01
And I go, I m such a dick.
5
SPEAKER_01
I go, I don t know, she smokes cigarettes.
5
SPEAKER_01
And he goes, let her down easy.
5
SPEAKER_01
Is that the most David joke ever?
5
SPEAKER_03
That is exactly how it went.
5
SPEAKER_01
And then he did that David thing when he goes...
6
SPEAKER_00
And then we were at a strip club and the dancer, I m being generous, the dancer, the artist, you know like when male bodybuilders, they can flex their pecs?
6
SPEAKER_00
Arnold used to do that.
6
SPEAKER_00
Girl would do it.
6
SPEAKER_00
And so she s dancing for David and she s going like doing the bodybuilder boob flex and it s like, hey, like two songs go by and she circles back around and she does it again and David goes seen it.
6
SPEAKER_00
She just got humiliated right there.
6
SPEAKER_04
You were like, seen it.
6
SPEAKER_02
That s very David, yeah.
6
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God reminds me.
6
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We got a picture with, oh whatever, who cares.
6
SPEAKER_02
Okay, thank you Jay.
6
SPEAKER_02
You have the best fucking stories.
6
SPEAKER_02
This is great.
6
SPEAKER_02
Thank you for coming on, buddy.
6
SPEAKER_02
Amazing.
6
SPEAKER_02
This is great.
6
SPEAKER_00
It s easy, right?
6
SPEAKER_00
You could do it on Zoom.
6
SPEAKER_00
I m like, oh, I want to hang out.
6
SPEAKER_02
No, it s fun to come in here.
6
SPEAKER_02
We like when people come in.
6
SPEAKER_04
We do a lot of Zooms, trust me.
6
SPEAKER_04
A lot of Zooms.
6
SPEAKER_03
A lot of Zooms, but we- Carcenio.
6
SPEAKER_03
Oh, yeah.
6
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, I understand that a crib is your house and your bed.
6
SPEAKER_03
I know, I can t- Just long fingers.
6
SPEAKER_00
Gotta love.
6
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, I ll show you something when we re done here.
6
SPEAKER_04
Oh, yeah.
6
SPEAKER_04
Because it s Farley and Hartman on a Carson episode.
6
SPEAKER_02
Or the Dom DeLuise.
6
SPEAKER_02
Dom DeLuise.
6
SPEAKER_04
where they flip out, did you ever see that?
6
SPEAKER_04
Yes.
6
SPEAKER_04
Yo, you ve seen it, okay.
6
SPEAKER_02
It s so fucking funny.
6
SPEAKER_00
Do you remember when Farley, on the Scared Straight motivational speaker, we made an arrangement, like, when Farley falls through the wall of the prison, we were all gonna run out, then we all run out and escape.
6
SPEAKER_00
Oh, like escape?
6
SPEAKER_00
We re all gonna fall on top of Chris.
6
SPEAKER_00
As a joke.
6
SPEAKER_00
So he can t come back in and say, live from New York.
6
SPEAKER_00
Oh, that s funny.
6
SPEAKER_00
So Chris goes through the wall, me, you, Sandler, Schneider, and Timmy fall on top of Chris, and he just lifts us up like leave bags.
6
you
6
SPEAKER_00
Like, he didn t- He just peels us off.
6
SPEAKER_00
It s not even a joke, he s just like- Not even one second was- Was wasted.
6
SPEAKER_00
Just, all right, from New York.
6
SPEAKER_00
And he had the line where him and Martin Lawrence are selling us back and forth for cigarettes, because that s the prison thing.
6
SPEAKER_00
And Farley was supposed to go, sold seven bitches to the homie in the cornrows.
6
SPEAKER_00
And instead, so you re the camera, he goes, sold seven bitches to the homie in the cornrows.
6
SPEAKER_00
Oops.
6
SPEAKER_00
This has been a podcast presentation of Cadence 13.
6
SPEAKER_01
Please listen, then rate, review, and follow all episodes.
6
SPEAKER_01
Available now for free wherever you get your podcasts.
6
SPEAKER_04
No joke, folks.
6
SPEAKER_04
Fly on the Wall has been a presentation of Cadence 13, executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Chris Corcoran of Cadence 13, and Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment.
6
SPEAKER_01
The show s lead producer is Greg Holtzman with production and engineering support from Serena Regan and Chris Basil of Cadence 13.