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Now let s jump into this episode.
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I felt that when I was younger, I m not going to be a complete person until I find my partner.
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People will say that too.
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It s like, Oh, I m looking for someone to make me a better person.
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I hope everyone gets to find someone like I feel like I found someone that helps you become your best version of yourself, but no one s going to make you a better person.
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Welcome to the School of Greatness.
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My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur.
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And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness.
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Thanks for spending some time with me today.
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Now let the class begin.
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Welcome back, everyone, to The School of Greatness.
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I m very excited about our guest.
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We have the inspiring Nick Bauer in the house.
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My man, good to see you, man.
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Good to see you, man.
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Great seeing you.
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I appreciate you having me.
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Of course, man.
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We just did a powerful Ask Nick conversation on your podcast that was really deep and meaningful and interesting, and I want people to check that out because we really went there and gave people some practical advice
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on what two human beings who are now engaged, but who have had a lot of different struggles in previous relationships and the lessons we ve learned.
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Absolutely.
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You ve been known for a lot of the things you ve done in reality TV, right?
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Bachelorette, Bachelor.
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Now your podcast is a top podcast, really sharing modern dating wisdom from the mistakes you ve made and the lessons you ve learned and all this different stuff.
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If you could go back to 20-year-old you, when you were a star track athlete in college and high school and things like that, and you could give him three pieces of advice.
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That s a great question.
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on how to really become a great man and to attract a great partner for yourself.
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What would you say to him with that advice?
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It s a great question.
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I d sit him down probably.
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And first and foremost, I would
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I would remind him that sometimes feeling in love doesn t always mean that you are in love and that sometimes feelings can be misleading.
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You know, like you can feel that spark, you know, or seduction and things like that.
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And that you re pining over someone and that intensity of that excitement all can be misconstrued into love and things like that.
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I d also remind him that there s no benefit to being a love martyr.
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What do you mean by that?
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It s actually something I was just doing on another friend s podcast and it kind of came up because, you know, my background, I grew up, I had a great childhood.
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you know, lovely parents, family of, I have 10 brothers and sisters.
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I m the second oldest of 11 kids.
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Wow.
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Parents are still married today.
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They were a great example of love.
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We grew up Catholic.
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And so there s a little bit, I don t know how familiar you are with Catholicism, but there s a little kind of martyr in the whole thing.
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And so I think that kind of passed down to us kids.
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But, you know, what I learned from my parents was that love is special.
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But it s also, you know, relationships can be really hard.
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And, you know, then you grow up watching rom-coms and TV shows.
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Disney and... Yeah, and movies like The Notebook, who have all these high stakes and, quite frankly, a lot of toxicity in relationships.
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But those types of shows teach you that none of it really matters as long as you end up together.
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And in reality, that s not really the case.
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But as a young man, I kind of took those lessons and thought to myself, well, love is hard, you know, special and it s hard.
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So you just have to fight through, you know, all these challenges.
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And yes, every relationship has its challenges and you, you know, you have to work through stuff.
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I kind of turned into a bit of a love martyr.
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You know, I got to the point where it didn t really even matter if I liked them.
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You know, it s like, I didn t ask myself questions like, do I enjoy their company?
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Do they enjoy mine?
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Are we even compatible?
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It was more like, well, I ll fight for the relationship so much that the more I fought for it, the more special I thought that relationship was and what that meant.
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even if they weren t the right match.
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Even if it wasn t the right match.
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I mean, my first girlfriend, God bless her.
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I met her when I was 18.
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We broke up so many times.
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Usually it was her breaking up with me.
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And every time she broke up with me, it was like I had to fight for the relationship because, again, love is special.
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And whether it was my parents telling me that love is special, but you have to work hard on things.
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I had the right intentions, so to speak, but it was a bit misguided.
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And I think through that, I spent a lot of energy on people who, quite frankly, it just wasn t the right fit.
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But I kind of misconstrued my intentions, so to speak, and, you know, kind of became that love martyr.
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And I think a lot of people are, you know, sometimes, where you kind of get stuck in these relationships and you think about things like, well...
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I can t break up now, we ve been dating for so long.
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As if like... So invested, right, yeah.
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So invested and there would be no value to these past three years of our relationship if we end the relationship.
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So I have to keep fighting.
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And if I fight, I will somehow be rewarded.
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And my love will be special because the worse it is, the harder I have to fight.
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And if the harder I fight, the more special it is.
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And that s such a misconstrued, toxic way to look at relationships, but...
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I very much did, so I would tell him not to be a love martyr.
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Okay, and the third thing?
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I would tell them to be careful about listening to your ego over your heart.
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And I think that s something I did a lot of, and I confused validation with love.
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And I think we do that a lot.
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So when our ego takes over, and I think sometimes, I talk a lot about ego on my show, almost to the point where I feel like it gets like a bad rep in a way.
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It s not really true.
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I don t know if you re a comic book fan at all, but I kind of equate ego to a superpower.
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A superpower that, like, if you re an X-Men, are you familiar with the Phoenix character?
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She s so powerful that she can t control her own powers to the point where it s harmful.
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And that s kind of like your ego.
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Your ego can be a superpower.
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Your ego is what gives you the confidence to act as if.
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You had to have some kind of ego to do...
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what you ve done, right?
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To say, I could do this, why not me?
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You know, that takes a little bit of ego and that confidence and that allows you to step up to the plate to, you know, face impossible challenges.
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But if you can t control that ego, if you can t, you know, be mindful of, you know, when it creeps up, it can really lead you down dark paths, you know, your ego will tell you,
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that you have to chase the wrong thing because again, your ego is like saying, well, you re not good enough.
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That person who won t give you respect, who doesn t make you a priority, who treats you with disrespect, well,
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If you can get them to change their behavior for you, even though they ve done all this with other, all these other people, you ll be special.
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Wow.
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And chasing that feeling of being special because my ego thought, well, you know, cause I was a, you know, I played sports.
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I was a competitive guy, you know, that challenge, you know, that fix of the recognition of, oh, you, you did this.
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I can t believe you did this.
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You got that, you know, that boy or whatever to like,
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to settle for you.
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Right.
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Hey, no one else could do that, but you got to do that.
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And that must make you special.
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And so that chasing the validation and not being mindful of when your ego was telling you to chase the wrong thing got me into a lot of trouble.
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And I spent a lot of time not accepting relationships that weren t really healthy for me.
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And I wasted a lot of my time, you know, following my ego and not my heart.
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Yeah.
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Yeah, I think we mentioned that we both kind of had like five or six kind of longer term committed relationships since we were like 16 or 18, so.
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Yeah, it was great getting to know you on the Vile Files when you guest on the Ask Nick episodes, because yeah, a lot of parallels between our, you know, we face a lot, you know, we learn through our challenges and things like that, so I got a lot of things wrong.
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Yeah, me too, man, but hopefully we re able to transform that into something better now.
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You mentioned this concept of validation.
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What is the difference between validation and love?
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Well, I feel like love is more about acceptance of yourself and the people you do love.
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I mean, you know, to truly love someone is accepting who they are, both for their strengths and their weaknesses.
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And it s when you really love their weaknesses, you know, you don t necessarily have to accept their weaknesses all the time.
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You can always challenge the people you love to
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become a better person, but at the end of the day, you got to go to a point where you accept them for everything that they are.
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And you know, not to sound cheesy or cliche, but that starts with yourself.
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You know, validation is almost the opposite.
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It s quite honestly, it would seem like the literal opposite when I think about it.
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It s like, it s that feeling of,
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of, of needing outside praise, you know, that recognition and, and needing that to feel enough, you know, rather than just knowing that you are.
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And so when you re chasing validation relationships, you re suggesting that you, and I felt that when I was younger, I felt like I m not going to be a complete person until I find that right person.
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Really?
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You know, my partner, you know, and until then.
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Why did you feel that?
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I think it was because I, you know, again, for as great as my parents were, I think, you know, between seeing their love and, and getting caught up in the, all the rom-coms and the romance of love, I think I just kind of had a misconstrue.
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It was, it was, I felt like it was so important.
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You know, you got to find that person and start a family and things like that, that,
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I thought to myself, well, until I find that, I m not a finished product.
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Interesting.
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And so when I started looking for love, then it became looking for the person who I thought made me a better person.
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And people will say that too.
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It s like, what are you looking for?
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Oh, I m looking for someone to make me a better person.
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Well, I learned that was not what you should be looking for.
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You can, I hope everyone gets to find someone like, I feel like I ve found someone that helps you become your best version of yourself, but no one s going to make you a better person.
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Right.
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That s a lot of responsibility and weight.
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A lot of weight.
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Yeah.
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And you know, how do they look next to you and things like that.
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And all those things that at the end of the day don t really matter.
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And so love is again, just acceptance of what you have and the people you re with and loving your person for their strengths and their weaknesses.
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And yeah, I hope I answered your question.
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It was beautiful.
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Yeah.
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I m curious, you know, for those that,
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I m not a big reality TV guy.
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Maybe I watch an episode here and there of stuff, whatever that pops on the TV.
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But for those that know you from the bachelorette world, the bachelor world, and they saw your behaviors then versus where you are now.
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What would you say was a thing that allowed you to make a switch internally to stop seeking validation, leading with your ego in a toxic way into transforming that into acceptance, personal growth, and attracting someone that seems like a very healthy conscious relationship versus things that were fighting for something to try to make to work?
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Well, I always kind of tell, when people always ask me, like, you know, what did I learn on the show and things like that, um, a lot of people attribute the growth I ve learned over life to the being on the show.
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And I don t really see that to be the case because a lot of my relationship struggles happened in my twenties.
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And, um, I was cheated on, uh, after a very brief engagement, um, or found out I was being cheated on after, after getting engaged.
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And that really,
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At the time, really, it broke me, you know?
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Yeah, I mean... How long were you in the relationship for?
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A year and a half, close to two years.
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And I roughly, you know, now I look at it as one of the most pivotal moments of my life, you know?
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That s when I learned about my ego and things like that and started really growing up and...
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You know, because I think when it happened, there s a lot of shame around being cheated on.
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And I was embarrassed.
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And, you know, people ask me, it s like, how d you guys break up?
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Like, oh, you know, it just didn t work out.
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It really broke me to the point where, you know, I kind of self-isolated for a while.
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I didn t want to get out and hang out with my friends and things like that.
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And so I actually wrote a book, read a book called The Power of Intentions by Dr. Wayne Dwyer.
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I don t know if you ve heard of him.
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It really, yeah, it really kind of made me think about just my actions, how I see the world, how I interpreted feeling wrong, my ego, where my thoughts and energy was going.
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A lot of that in terms of, I learned just the power of intentions in terms of your energy is not infinite.
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Your thoughts, you know, I used to feel like I couldn t control my thoughts.
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I remember
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My first girlfriend before the one that cheated on me, you know, my, we met at 18 and we broke up several times and it was a really hard breakup.
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And I was just devastated, you know, and she was dating some other guy and, and I was pouting for like three, four or five months or something.
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My mom was the empathetic one, always like in a weird way.
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She, I would call her every morning and we d talk and almost the point where she kind of liked it.
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My dad one day was like, my dad was like, you gotta get over this man.
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And I remember saying to him, and I was dead serious, I was like, Dad, I have a better chance of levitating than getting over that.
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And I was serious, you know?
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And I just was so fixated.
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Again, that was that martyr.
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And I think back about it now, I was like proud of myself almost for like...
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Holding on to that pain, you know, and I I learned now sometimes When people have a hard time getting over relationships because it s like they just don t want to let go Sometimes the pain is all you have left of the relationship, you know You don t want to forget about the pain because that s the last thing you have to hold on to Wow, you know and I really I
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Held on to that pain.
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Spent a long time, yeah.
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Yeah.
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When did you actually finally let go?
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I was so like, it really made me grow up that, fast forward to getting cheated on, and I had to re-change how I thought.
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I almost like to survive because I think I was such, I was so fixated on finding love and a certain type of love that it consumed me.
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It really did.
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I mean, I lost friends for a period of time, you know, because I just, you know, no one understood, no one understood my pain or my plight or what I was sacrificing and, and all those things.
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And I kind of had to get over myself, you know.
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And then I had a two and a half year relationship with a really wonderful person, but just we weren t the right fit.
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This is like your mid to late 20s now?
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Mid to late 20s, yeah.
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Then I was single for a while and ended up going on The Bachelor.
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What made you decide to go on The Bachelor?
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Curiosity.
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My friend s wife signed me up as kind of a gag.
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At that point, my girlfriend and I at that time, we had broken up.
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And all my other friends got married.
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Right.
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You know, being starting to have kids.
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Yeah.
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I got to go to, and I moved to Chicago and my friend s wife signed me up and I got a call and it was like, I was just curious, you know, and I was lucky enough that I had a job where they were very supportive of it.
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But I always, I relapsed is what I tell people.
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You know, I, I turned back into the 20 year old version of, you know, chasing that validation and that fix because The Bachelor is a world that s, you know, people always ask, is it, is it scripted?
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And it s not scripted.
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The conversations are very authentic.
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but it s very staged.
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It s very controlled.
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You know, it s a very controlled atmosphere.
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You re cut off from the rest of the world.
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You have no access to your support system.
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You know, you re, you re living in a very controlled house and you have very limited access to the lead.
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And it s a relationship that s built on withholding love.
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So you can fantasize about your love, you know, so you ll, you ll go on a date, we re on a date, we re connecting, we re going like this.
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And then all of a sudden the moment you have a connection, they pull you away, you know?
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And, and so what you re doing is,
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And you re like, oh, wow, I think she likes me.
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And that was a really great moment.
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And then you go back to the House Dealer guys, and you re just like fantasizing about it.
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Oh, my gosh.
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And so, when I went on, you know, like most people, I was like, I m not gonna fall in love.
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But, you know, once I decided to go, I was like, okay, well, I m here.
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I m going to embrace the experience I chose to be on.
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And as a result of embracing the experience that was meant to elicit the max amount of emotions.
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And that s what that environment is.
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Like what they want you to do is just feel and get rid of your inhibitions and let loose and whatever, you know, I always joke that the producers are the friends who tell you to buy the boat.
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You know, bad decisions.
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It s like, you know, should I buy a boat?
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SPEAKER_01
Yeah, man, I want to go jets.
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You know, like I want to go on your boat, you know, forgetting about whether it s a good financial decision and things like that.
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And that s, that s, those are the producers, you know, because they want you to, they want those feelings.
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And so all the things I learned in my late twenties about, you know, Hey, is this, is this a healthy thought?
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Is, is your, is your ego driving this choice?
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at your heart, you know, that went all out the window.
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Wow.
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And I kind of turned back in, like I said, to a younger 20-year-old Nick.
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And so it was a lesson because it just reminded me that you re always capable of kind of going back there, you know?
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Right.
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And you re always capable of your ego kind of taking over.
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And it s really just important to always be mindful of why you re making the decisions that you re making.
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I always say that no one will lie to you more than yourself.
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you know, we re in our heads all the times, and the person I talk to the most is me.
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You know, I m a heady guy, you know, so I m always, my fiancee will joke with me when I m in the yard thinking about work or the show, and she s like, who you talking to now?
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But yeah, and it s very easy to lie to ourselves, you know?
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Do I really want to go out with this person, you know, of a certain job that we think we should take, and we ll convince ourselves, and it s very easy to lie to ourselves about what we think we want,
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You know, cause in our head we ve decided what we want and then we just kind of, you know, through our own biases and, you know, preconceived notions, we will write the narrative through just kind of lies.
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And we re always capable of that.
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And so it s just, it really taught me to, again, you know, remind myself that you can control your thoughts, you can control your feelings.
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Um, maybe not instantly, you know, how we might react and how we might get triggered is how we will feel, but you can over time, you know, learn to recalibrate your thoughts and your feelings.
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Because, you know, I used to, I think that was my point back in the day is about controlling your thoughts, the whole levitating story.
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Now that I remember it, because I used to think you can t.
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You can t control your thoughts.
2
SPEAKER_00
How you feel is how I feel.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s how I feel and there s nothing I can do, Dad.
2
SPEAKER_00
I can t get over it.
2
SPEAKER_00
I have no control over this.
2
SPEAKER_00
And that s not true.
2
SPEAKER_00
For example, when my fiance cheated on me, I was devastated and I was hurt.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I had been hurt before, but after I started kind of reflecting and learning about my thoughts, when I started going back out, I was still hurting inside.
2
SPEAKER_00
I still felt that pain.
2
SPEAKER_00
But in the past, when someone would come up to me and say, how you doing, Nick?
2
SPEAKER_00
I would be like, I m just miserable.
2
SPEAKER_00
Sorry, man.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I can t find love.
2
SPEAKER_00
And my heart s broken.
2
SPEAKER_00
And if you want to listen to me gripe, I ll tell you, you know?
2
SPEAKER_00
And that turned into... Instead, I decided to change the narrative.
2
SPEAKER_00
People would ask me, how you doing?
2
SPEAKER_00
I m great, man.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know?
2
SPEAKER_00
And I wasn t always at first, but I tried to project that outward energy.
2
SPEAKER_00
And over time, you know, the whole fake it till you make it, you kind of start believing.
2
SPEAKER_00
You re like, you know, maybe I am okay.
2
SPEAKER_00
And you start thinking about it a little bit less.
2
SPEAKER_00
But if you keep telling yourself, if you let these negative thoughts in over and over, I stayed negative.
2
SPEAKER_00
And when I started realizing, you tell yourself, oh, I m great.
2
SPEAKER_00
You realize, well, no, I m with my friends.
2
SPEAKER_00
I am great.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m at my job.
2
SPEAKER_00
I really like, well, you know what?
2
SPEAKER_00
It is great.
2
SPEAKER_00
I became able to be more grateful.
2
SPEAKER_00
So things I did have and stop focusing and stressing about the things I didn t have.
2
SPEAKER_00
Right.
2
SPEAKER_00
And that just helped me be a lot happier and more content and allowed me to be more grateful and demonstrate more gratitude rather than, you know, skepticism and complaining and things like that.
2
SPEAKER_00
So.
2
SPEAKER_01
And if you could go back to yourself when you got cheated on and went through this breakup with your fiancée at that time, what would you say to yourself then?
2
SPEAKER_01
Or what would you say are a few key things that anyone going through a horrible breakup can do to overcome that with more grace?
2
SPEAKER_00
Um, I would say the pain doesn t mean they were special.
2
SPEAKER_00
Ooh.
2
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
2
SPEAKER_00
Cause I used to do that.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know, the more hurt I felt over a breakup, uh, the more my, I don t know if it was my ego or something internally would tell me, well, that, that must mean what I lost was very special.
2
SPEAKER_00
Interesting.
2
SPEAKER_00
And that means I have to fight for it.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know?
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh man.
2
SPEAKER_00
What does the pain mean most of the time?
2
SPEAKER_00
the pain might mean that like you, it was meaningful.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know, like if you re in any type of long term relationship, you clearly shared meaningful moments.
2
SPEAKER_00
They take up a lot of your time, you probably met their family, they met yours, you ve developed some really great memories to get together.
2
SPEAKER_00
You probably made a lot of promises about the future with one another that now, if the relationship ended, you have to think about all the promises you made that aren t going to happen.
2
SPEAKER_00
And that can be very painful, that it s the loss.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s the loss of something that, you know, at one point you held dear in your heart.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I think that s where the pain comes from because even in a relationship that is unhealthy or toxic and
2
SPEAKER_00
sadly, even sometimes abusive, can still be hard to lose because, you know, a lot of those relationships take up so much of our energy and time.
2
SPEAKER_00
And sometimes when we lose a relationship or a loved one and we lose access to them,
2
SPEAKER_00
We, you know, you have to fill it with, you know, there s the loss of the feelings that you have and the literal loss of all the time that you used to spend with them.
2
SPEAKER_00
Well, now what do you do?
2
SPEAKER_00
You know, the Sundays that used to go to the farmer s market and the movies, now it s like, I don t know what to do.
2
SPEAKER_00
And just filling that void, you know, can be very painful at first.
2
SPEAKER_00
But I learned that just because I was hurting over someone doesn t necessarily mean that they were the right fit for me.
2
SPEAKER_00
That, you know, that s what was good for my heart.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I had to then focus on accepting the loss and accepting that the relationship, while meaningful for a period of time, wasn t necessarily something that was right for me.
2
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
So, that would be one.
2
SPEAKER_01
What would you say to yourself when you were like,
2
SPEAKER_01
eight months in deep when you re like, I can t control my feelings and I ll never get over this and no one understands me.
2
SPEAKER_01
If you were coaching yourself, what would you say?
2
SPEAKER_00
Uh, I would probably tell myself to get over myself.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, because most people out there probably can understand heartbreak, you know, and I think that was my ego, you know, when I, my first love, me and my buddy, my first girlfriend, we met her and her girlfriend at the same time, you know, very kind of serendipitously.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I remember having a thought with my first girlfriend, and I think a lot of young people have thoughts like this, where it s like, we re kind of the most in love couple.
2
SPEAKER_00
We re more in love than with that.
2
SPEAKER_00
Because it s that ego, wanting to be like, wanting your love.
2
SPEAKER_00
Everyone wants their love to feel and be special.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I think the intentions are pure, but it can kind of turn...
2
SPEAKER_00
a little toxic.
2
SPEAKER_00
And so, yeah, I would probably just tell myself to maybe, you know, get over myself a little bit and recognize that I m not the only one who s ever experienced heartbreak.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m not the only one who s ever been cheated on.
2
SPEAKER_00
You re not alone.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know, if you have been heartbroken, the good news is you re not alone.
2
SPEAKER_00
And unfortunately, infidelity is very commonplace in relationships now more than ever.
2
SPEAKER_00
Um, and, you know, you are, you don t have a reason to be shamed over it.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know, it s not you, it s literally them.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know, there s maybe some things you can learn from, from it.
2
SPEAKER_00
There s always, you can always learn from misfortune and challenges, but...
2
SPEAKER_00
I would stop making myself more of a martyr than I need to be, you know, because again, I think the way I dealt with pain back then was to try, that was my ego saying, all right, well, if you can t have the relationship, at least the pain we re feeling right now, we ll find a way to make ourselves feel special about it.
2
SPEAKER_00
So because you re hurting more than anyone else, then you are,
2
SPEAKER_00
you re willing to sacrifice and be sad for love.
2
SPEAKER_00
And somehow that made me feel, I guess, in a way, special, even though it also simultaneously made me feel very down.
2
SPEAKER_00
And it kept me stuck.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I think that s what a lot of people experience in breakups, is they stay stuck much longer than they need to.
2
SPEAKER_00
Let s say stuck in the past.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
And it can be scary because it s like, again, some, you know, the longer the relationship, the more memories we have and the future can be, you know, the uncertainty is very scary.
2
SPEAKER_00
And, and so we don t want to face our fears.
2
SPEAKER_00
And so we ll hold onto the past.
2
SPEAKER_00
And like I said before, sometimes we ll hold onto the pain because it s the last thing we have left.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
2
SPEAKER_01
What s the best relationship advice you ve ever received?
2
SPEAKER_00
I honestly think it was from Dr. Wayne Dwyer, was what other people think of you as none of your business.
2
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
2
SPEAKER_00
And even in relationships sometimes, you know, always kind of worrying about, you know, it s kind of, that s their opinion.
2
SPEAKER_00
And that really honestly helped me with my relationships on reality TV and handling my relationships with fans and things like that.
2
SPEAKER_00
I always think of relationships more than just romantic ones.
2
SPEAKER_00
Because you got criticized a ton.
2
SPEAKER_00
A ton.
2
SPEAKER_00
And it really, it edits who you are.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know, the more you seek out the opinions of others about yourself, the more it changes you.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know, then you re not acting on what you think deep down you should do or, you know, because of what your character is and things like that.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s just like, well, you think this and you think that.
2
SPEAKER_00
And no, I hear you there.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yep.
2
SPEAKER_00
No, that s a fair point.
3
SPEAKER_00
I see what you re saying there. 
3
SPEAKER_00
So like, all right, let me do a version of what I guess I think you re all saying.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I think that s kind of how you become someone that doesn t feel like it s you.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so, yeah, those other opinions are just... Those are their opinions and that s their business and it s none of mine.
3
SPEAKER_00
And that s something I ve constantly tried to remind myself of.
3
SPEAKER_01
This is interesting because you ve been in the public eye for what, like 10 years now?
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, about a decade now.
3
SPEAKER_01
About a decade.
3
SPEAKER_01
And you kind of became known by having a public relationship, right?
3
SPEAKER_01
Or trying to get into a public relationship, being in a relationship, love, dating, all that stuff.
3
SPEAKER_01
What s your thoughts on if people should be public with their relationship, or they should be posting that they re getting in a relationship with this person, and all the date nights they re doing, and all the conversations they re having, and should they be doing it on TV, and doing it on social media?
3
SPEAKER_01
Do you think that creates a healthy long-term relationship, or is that setting up a disaster?
3
SPEAKER_00
More of the latter.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think it s a risk.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I don t see any real benefit for the relationship.
3
SPEAKER_00
And Natalie and I, you know, we post about our relationship and she s on the Vile Files a lot more now.
3
SPEAKER_00
And, you know, we like to share some things about our relationship.
3
SPEAKER_00
We certainly don t share everything.
3
SPEAKER_00
I always say, like, Instagram s not a love language.
3
SPEAKER_01
But it is for a lot of people.
3
SPEAKER_00
It is for a lot of people, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
A lot of women love being posted on Instagram.
3
SPEAKER_01
Why is that?
3
SPEAKER_00
I think it s the validation.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think we just are a society that really seeks out the approval of others, you know?
3
SPEAKER_01
What is the biggest risk of a woman wanting their man to post about them consistently on Instagram?
3
SPEAKER_00
Well, again, because you are increasing the chances of you caring a lot about what other people think.
3
SPEAKER_00
Because you re reading all these comments.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, you guys look so good together.
3
SPEAKER_00
You guys, oh, what is that?
3
SPEAKER_00
And I always say, in my experience in the public eye and in social media, that the positive comments are more dangerous than the negative one.
3
SPEAKER_00
Really?
3
SPEAKER_00
Why?
3
SPEAKER_00
Because it s easy to dismiss negative ones.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh yeah, they don t know me.
3
SPEAKER_00
Screw that, fuck that, whatever.
3
SPEAKER_00
But you know, after a few hard-eyed emojis and, oh my God, you re the cutest couple of all time, you know, whether they re positive or negative, they re all strangers.
3
SPEAKER_00
Right, they don t know you.
3
SPEAKER_00
They don t know me, they have no insight into my life.
3
SPEAKER_00
They just, they can make guesses from what they ve seen or whatever, but they don t really know me.
3
SPEAKER_00
But if I m going to read a bunch of positive comments and take them to heart, well, then my subconscious is going to say, well, you can t pick and choose.
3
SPEAKER_00
You have to take the negative ones to heart as well.
3
SPEAKER_00
So by getting the positive ones and you read them, you re like, Oh, yep.
3
SPEAKER_00
Nope.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m awesome.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m awesome.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m awesome.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m awesome.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then you re like, well, these, these are very valid comments because you know, I am awesome.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then all of a sudden that negative one hits you and your sub you, even if you say, Oh, they don t know me.
3
SPEAKER_00
you ve spent all this time not saying that about the positive ones.
3
SPEAKER_00
They don t know you either.
3
SPEAKER_00
They don t know you either.
3
SPEAKER_00
But now, your subconscious brain is taking it all to heart.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so, that s why I always feel like the positive ones are setting you up for the negative.
3
SPEAKER_00
Wow, interesting.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s really dangerous that way.
3
SPEAKER_01
If there s a woman coming to you asking for advice saying, you know, I ve been in a relationship for...
3
SPEAKER_01
six months with this guy and he hasn t posted about me yet on social media, on Instagram.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I really want him to, what should I say to get him to post about me or how can I do it to get him to post about me?
3
SPEAKER_01
What advice would you give that woman about this conversation?
3
SPEAKER_00
Well, you know, despite me saying it can be a risk, I do think there s something to be said about, you know, being with someone who gives you the sense that they re proud to be with you, that they want to share their relationship.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, everything is about balance.
3
SPEAKER_00
And listen, we live in a world where a lot of things are online.
3
SPEAKER_00
So, you know, extremes scare me on anything.
3
SPEAKER_00
So if someone, I ve been dating this guy for six months, everything s great, but he refuses to post,
3
SPEAKER_00
It s a bit of a red flag.
3
SPEAKER_00
Right, right.
3
SPEAKER_00
Unless he s just not on social media.
3
SPEAKER_00
If he s not on social media, yeah, that would be my first question is, does he ever post?
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, he s like, no.
3
SPEAKER_00
He s like, no.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s like, well, then I don t think there s an issue.
3
SPEAKER_00
If he s posting about his friends and all this stuff, and he s pretty active, and he s not posting about you, that s definitely a red flag.
3
SPEAKER_00
So if it s the latter, and he is an active poster, and he s actively on there, I would just
3
SPEAKER_00
tell them what it would mean to you.
3
SPEAKER_00
It would just mean a lot if you shared our relationship and I want to feel like you re proud of our relationship.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I think that s an okay feeling.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think the best thing we can do when we communicate to our loved ones is to say, this is how I feel about a situation.
3
SPEAKER_00
This would mean a lot.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then the big question is you give them an opportunity to see if they re willing to make you a priority.
3
SPEAKER_00
Right.
3
SPEAKER_00
Because I think there s a lot of relationships out there where people are accepting their partners not prioritizing them and choosing to stay in the relationship more out of fear of what else might be out there or what they don t think they can find, rather than feeling loved and feeling validated.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s funny, people will call in about relationships.
3
SPEAKER_00
they ll be frustrated with their partner.
3
SPEAKER_00
And one of my favorite questions I ask them is, what do you like or love about how they make you feel?
3
SPEAKER_00
It s so funny how a lot of times people won t have an answer to that, you know?
3
SPEAKER_00
And they ll, it s like, oh, well, you know, like if we have fun together and like, you know, he s really smart and he s really nice with people.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s all great, but,
3
SPEAKER_00
What do you love about how they make you feel?
3
SPEAKER_00
Because what I m hearing from you is you spend a lot of time telling me that you re confused, you re often sad, you feel lonely, you know, so I m just wondering what about this relationship are you fighting for?
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, just because someone looks good on paper doesn t mean they re good for you.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, or they re not just, what s the point of being in a relationship if they don t make you feel loved?
3
SPEAKER_00
And I think, I was that person.
3
SPEAKER_00
I was in a lot of relationships where I asked myself, I don t even think she likes me.
3
SPEAKER_00
Because I used to always prioritize chemistry over compatibility.
3
SPEAKER_00
which I think most of us do because chemistry is sexy.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, it is.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, it s fun.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, it s a spark.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Unfortunately, chemistry is hard to trust and chemistry can be very much manufactured.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, people are just naturally charismatic, you know, tall, good looking, you know, can brighten up a room when they walk in.
3
SPEAKER_00
Chemistry can be found because of similar interest.
3
SPEAKER_00
People who go on The Bachelor have a natural chemistry because of a shared experience being part of the same church or community.
3
SPEAKER_00
That can create chemistry between people.
3
SPEAKER_00
but that doesn t necessarily mean love.
3
SPEAKER_00
Now, compatibility on the other hand, it s not as sexy, it s not as fun, but that you can trust a lot more.
3
SPEAKER_00
Do we enjoy being around each other?
3
SPEAKER_00
Natalie is the first person that I ve been in a relationship with where we have a lot in common, where we re very compatible.
3
SPEAKER_00
Because I used, again, back to that love murder,
3
SPEAKER_00
I didn t even prioritize chemistry or compatibility at all.
3
SPEAKER_00
It was like... And I was like, well, it doesn t matter, we re in love.
3
SPEAKER_00
It doesn t matter, you know?
3
SPEAKER_00
I love her and love will conquer all.
3
SPEAKER_00
But then every day it was just like, so what do you wanna eat for dinner?
3
SPEAKER_00
Like, what should we watch?
3
SPEAKER_00
It was like complete opposites, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
It was like opposite.
3
SPEAKER_00
you know, and relationships are hard enough.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, even when you re super compatible and you re on the same page most of the time, it still requires sacrifice and compromise.
3
SPEAKER_00
And if you have to do that for every decision, every day, it is exhausting.
3
SPEAKER_00
Exhausting.
3
SPEAKER_00
Um, and yeah, I just, you know, we, we are, we re a society that prioritizes chemistry far too much and we have to give compatibility a little bit more of a spotlight.
3
SPEAKER_00
Who do you think Chi Moore today met our women?
3
SPEAKER_00
Uh, I don t have the statistics, but I would guess it s pretty 50-50.
3
SPEAKER_00
I ve heard it s women, but I don t know for sure.
3
SPEAKER_00
But when you listen to society, it sounds like it s only men.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, unfortunately, you know, like we talked about this when you were on my show, but
3
SPEAKER_00
I m glad there s been a correction, you know, for some bad actors out there in terms of, you know, poor behavior for men, demonstrating things like toxic masculinity and abuse sometimes and, um, you know, things like that.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I think that, you know, there were... Me Too was necessary for a lot of reasons, but...
3
SPEAKER_00
I think there s almost been an overcorrection in the sense where like right now, you know, when it comes to, uh, I think the stereotypes of men is fair game and to the point now, but the stereotypes of women are almost
4
SPEAKER_01
illegal, you know, never, never generalize or, you know, and I don t want to generalize anyone, men or women, you know, but it, it, I think it s, it s gotten to a point where, um, you know, the ick, talking about icks for men and, and, and criticizing men for other behavior.
4
SPEAKER_01
I think we unfortunately are creating a generation of men feel like their plight is not being understood and heard.
4
SPEAKER_01
Um, but yeah, I think men and women both very much cheat, maybe for different reasons.
4
SPEAKER_01
But, um, I think, unfortunately, we... Dating society has made everyone replaceable, expendable.
4
SPEAKER_01
We have a very disposable society, you know, from fast fashion to fast food to fast relationships.
4
SPEAKER_01
Um, and everyone is disposable.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I think that in itself has created a lot of infidelity.
4
SPEAKER_00
Right, right.
4
SPEAKER_00
If you were coaching your 23-year-old self 20 years ago, actually, if you were coaching a woman that was going to date yourself 20 years ago, and they came to you now as a 43-year-old with the wisdom, the experience, and the advice that you have now, and they come to you called Sally, right?
4
SPEAKER_00
Sally comes to you saying, Nick, man, I love this guy, this young Nick guy.
4
SPEAKER_00
I really want to date him.
4
SPEAKER_00
And you knew everything about you.
4
SPEAKER_00
What would be the three biggest red flags about you that you would tell a woman trying to date you at 23?
4
SPEAKER_00
That s a great question.
4
SPEAKER_01
I would say, well, his heart s in the right place.
4
SPEAKER_01
Um, but, uh, I think sometimes he is, um, a little misguided.
4
SPEAKER_01
I guess would be one.
4
SPEAKER_01
I was definitely a lot more narrow-minded, you know?
4
SPEAKER_01
Um, I thought I was... I would probably remind her that he is a little more sure of himself than he should be.
4
SPEAKER_01
Um...
4
SPEAKER_00
Overly confident.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, a little overly confident.
4
SPEAKER_01
Not cocky, but a little more ignorant than he realizes.
4
SPEAKER_01
I can go on and on.
4
SPEAKER_01
He s messy and forgetful and annoying and all those things.
4
SPEAKER_01
But, um, I would say he s a little bit more judgmental than he should be.
4
SPEAKER_01
I think that kind of goes with kind of the ignorance of that youthful ignorance of, you know, it s like, you know, when you re in your twenties, you, you, you think you have it all figured out because like 23 feels so old.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s weird.
4
SPEAKER_01
Cause I say like we spend most of our twenties trying to live up to the expectations we set for ourselves when we were 16.
4
SPEAKER_01
You know, it s like when you re 16, you dream about like getting the BMW and finding the wife or having some job.
4
SPEAKER_01
And then you get to like you re 25, 26, you re like, I don t want to do that anymore.
4
SPEAKER_01
Like, but like you spend all this time trying to chase that dream because you told yourself when you re 17, 18 year old self that you were going to do this.
4
SPEAKER_01
Um, and I, I don t think I really knew who I was as a man until I was about 29.
4
SPEAKER_01
Um, and I was comfortable with who I was and I was,
4
SPEAKER_01
willing to accept my vulnerabilities and my weaknesses.
4
SPEAKER_01
And that would be another thing I d probably maybe remind her is that he is maybe afraid to acknowledge some of his insecurities and fears.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
So good.
4
SPEAKER_00
Good advice.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
Thanks.
4
SPEAKER_00
Those are probably some red flags to look out for today.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
If anyone s looking to date someone, if they don t have those things fully figured out, if they re not willing to work on those things.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
Like, you know, if you ask someone like, well, it s like, you know, in an interview, like, what are your weaknesses?
4
SPEAKER_01
And they say, I work too hard, you know, stuff like that.
4
SPEAKER_01
You know, you really,
4
SPEAKER_01
you don t really know someone until they know like what they re afraid of about themselves and their vulnerabilities and and what scares them what makes you know why where do they feel like they re incomplete things like that because we all have them and it can be really hard and scary to admit but it s really important to acknowledge.
4
SPEAKER_00
You mentioned something about learning to accept love.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m curious, can you truly accept and feel loved by someone else if you don t learn to love yourself?
4
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
4
SPEAKER_00
I don t think so.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
Because you don t believe it.
4
SPEAKER_01
If you think you are undeserving of love, and if you think you re a piece of shit, and if you think that you re not good enough,
4
SPEAKER_01
When someone says, I think you re great and I love you, you honestly will think they re lying to you.
4
SPEAKER_00
Even if you re chasing them and even if you re trying to be with them.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, you might feel valid or special.
4
SPEAKER_01
You get that fix.
4
SPEAKER_01
I hear a lot of relationship advice, like food advice.
4
SPEAKER_01
I always refer to people as like sour patch kids.
4
SPEAKER_01
I had this like epiphany.
4
SPEAKER_01
I was like, how can I, I was explaining to, I was dating an actress at the time and her sister was asking me for relationship advice.
4
SPEAKER_01
And she was talking about this guy over and over about like, he would go out with me.
4
SPEAKER_01
You know, we do all these boyfriend and girlfriend things and then they would hook up and then he would disappear and that she d feel like crap afterwards.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I m like, you know who he is?
4
SPEAKER_01
He s a sour patch kid.
4
SPEAKER_01
She was like, what do you mean?
4
SPEAKER_01
And I was just like, well, like when I eat Sour Patch Kids, I love them.
4
SPEAKER_01
I mean, even when I talk about it right now, my mouth is salivating, you know, just thinking about it.
4
SPEAKER_01
And every once in a while I ll indulge in a bag of Sour Patch Kids.
4
SPEAKER_01
But every time I eat it, even though I get that fix and it s so good going in, I inevitably always feel like crap because, well, they re crappy food.
4
SPEAKER_01
Nothing about Sour Patch Kids will nourish your body.
4
SPEAKER_01
You re not going to get healthy out of putting Sour Patch Kids in your body.
4
SPEAKER_01
So that fix is always followed by that hangover of being crappy.
4
SPEAKER_01
And a lot of people are kind of that Sour Patch Kids or that hangover of that fix of validation, that temporary short term feeling of excitement and the euphoria of feeling enough only followed by that kind of hangover of not feeling good enough.
4
SPEAKER_01
So back to you, like if you don t really love yourself and you don t truly believe it,
4
SPEAKER_01
you know, they might compliment you, they might say this, I love you, and you re kind of caught off guard and you re feeling good, but then you ll get in your head.
4
SPEAKER_01
You ll be like, well, do they really?
4
SPEAKER_01
Are you sure?
4
SPEAKER_01
You know, they can t really love me.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s just like, you look in the mirror and you re kind of disgusted with yourself.
4
SPEAKER_01
And then, you know, it ll be followed by that hangover of that kind of, that excitement going away.
4
SPEAKER_01
And so, yeah, I think it really is important to truly be comfortable with who you are.
4
SPEAKER_01
As I get older, I m sure you ve done this too.
4
SPEAKER_01
Again, you re never a finished product.
4
SPEAKER_01
I always want to work on myself.
4
SPEAKER_01
I always want to work on my bad habits, of which I have many.
4
SPEAKER_01
But I also have gotten to the point in my life, and I remember a moment when Natalie and I first started dating, and she was giving me a hard time because I don t ever close cabinet doors.
4
SPEAKER_01
You know, I leave things open.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m a very disorganized person.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I said to her, I m like, listen, I promise you ll always work on this, but I just want you to know.
4
SPEAKER_01
this is also who I am.
4
SPEAKER_01
I ve never been good at this.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I remember, and I was kind of half joking, but just me being able to say that to her and just say, I have some really bad habits.
4
SPEAKER_01
And honestly, my brain works a certain way that I ve tried so hard to be good at this stuff and correct it, but it s just hard for me.
4
SPEAKER_01
I don t know how to do this.
4
SPEAKER_01
And just to say that out loud to her,
4
SPEAKER_01
A 23 year old me, I would never have acknowledged that.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh yeah, no, I can do that.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m right on that, babe.
4
SPEAKER_01
I ll master that.
4
SPEAKER_01
I was never willing to acknowledge that there s some things that are just really hard for me.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m really not good at this.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m really going to struggle with this.
4
SPEAKER_01
This is a weakness of mine.
4
SPEAKER_00
And when you can say that and someone else can see and accept it.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, it s annoying, but okay, I ll put up with it.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I accept it.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s a lot easier because even if those little things of pretending that you re somehow going to master closing cabinet doors or never be forgivable, you know that you re not being honest with yourself, you know you re not being honest with them, and then that subconscious brain feels like they re going to find out about me.
4
SPEAKER_01
And usually, our bad habits could run much deeper than not being able to close cabinet doors.
4
SPEAKER_01
And so, that subconscious and fear thought of, they re gonna find out who I really am, I think will often lead to that, like, fear of abandonment and rejection and always kind of live in that state of, like, fear of, like, not being enough and things like that.
4
SPEAKER_00
Why do you think so many people settle in relationships for something they know is not right for them?
4
SPEAKER_01
Fear of finding it elsewhere, I think, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
Fear of wasted time.
4
SPEAKER_01
You know, I think, you know, me about to be a father for the first time, I want to figure out how I can teach my daughter perspective, which I don t know if you can.
4
SPEAKER_01
I remember going through a heartbreak after my fiance cheated on me.
4
SPEAKER_01
We were living together and I didn t want to keep living with her, so I moved in with this grandma who also lived in downtown Milwaukee at the time.
4
SPEAKER_01
She s a hip grandma.
4
SPEAKER_01
But grandma, nonetheless, that was very embarrassing for me.
4
SPEAKER_01
How are you now?
5
SPEAKER_00
Uh, 28.
5
SPEAKER_00
28, yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
It ended up being a very memorable moment of my life, but, um, at the time, I was... Living with a lot of shame.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
5
SPEAKER_00
And my grandma, uh, my grandfather left her for other women, uh, when she was, uh, in, like, in the 70s, and she had to raise five kids on her own in a time where a lot of people were getting divorced and a lot...
5
SPEAKER_00
when not a lot of women in the workforce.
5
SPEAKER_00
So she had shame from that.
5
SPEAKER_00
She had a shared experience.
5
SPEAKER_00
Shared experience, but she also had the perspective.
5
SPEAKER_00
And she ended up dating and, you know, and she taught me that, like, you know, I was at a time where I thought my life was over.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m a failure.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m a 28-year-old man.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m almost 30, and I ve had nothing but failed relationships.
5
SPEAKER_00
So much so that now I ve been engaged, and I got cheated on, and I bought this ring, and...
5
SPEAKER_00
I m an embarrassment to myself and my friends.
5
SPEAKER_00
And that s how I truly felt.
5
SPEAKER_00
And she taught me that my life wasn t over.
5
SPEAKER_00
In fact, it was probably just beginning that you re only 28.
5
SPEAKER_00
And, you know, I don t know when I m going to die, but I was, she was banking on the fact that I wouldn t live as long as she had.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I had a lot of years left and I might have some more loves that might not work out.
5
SPEAKER_00
And life is definitely a journey.
5
SPEAKER_00
And when you find that right person, it might be much longer than you realize, but from now you might have to be more patient.
5
SPEAKER_00
But like, you know, there s so many opportunities to reinvent yourself, which I, I really grateful that I learned from my grandmother, Phyllis.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I think back to that guy, that 20 year old man,
5
SPEAKER_00
And I think about how many times I ve now reinvented myself only at 43 years old.
5
SPEAKER_00
You know, I went from, I was an accounting major, got a job as an accountant, then I decided to get into sales, had a successful sales career in corporate America, quit that, left that, went on reality TV, had a
5
SPEAKER_00
little stint on reality TV and then got into, you know, podcasting and being, you know, really interested in relationships and social dynamics.
5
SPEAKER_00
And, you know, now I m, you know, doing what I m doing now, but who knows how long I m going to do this, you know, hopefully for a long time, but you never know life brings you challenges and just
5
SPEAKER_00
You know, I think we think that once we enter our 20s, that we somehow have to lock in to whatever it is we re doing.
5
SPEAKER_00
And that fear of, you know, starting over is, I think, scary for a lot of people.
5
SPEAKER_00
But I have learned, and you know, that sometimes starting over is really the best, just to press that reset button.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s never really too late to press that reset button, to reinvent yourself into something completely different, you know?
5
SPEAKER_00
I can t think of how many times in my 20s when I thought to myself,
5
SPEAKER_00
what if I went back to school, or what if I did that? 
5
SPEAKER_00
And I m thinking, that s three years?
5
SPEAKER_00
Three year commitment?
5
SPEAKER_00
I got to do that?
5
SPEAKER_00
And then three years would go by.
5
SPEAKER_00
And then I would think back and look, I remember that time three years ago, and I was thinking about, what if I went back to school?
5
SPEAKER_00
And I thought to myself, I haven t really done anything that significant in those three years.
5
SPEAKER_00
And had I gone back to school, I would have been
5
SPEAKER_00
right where I wanted to be, but I didn t do anything.
5
SPEAKER_00
And why didn t I, you know, and then I stopped doing that.
5
SPEAKER_00
I started being more of a doer and saying yes to things.
5
SPEAKER_00
I wasn t much of a risk taker in my twenties.
5
SPEAKER_00
I d become a big risk taker later in life, you know, quit my job, go on this TV show, move out to LA with, with kind of a hope and dream.
5
SPEAKER_00
But yeah, I played it kind of close to the vest in my twenties and I realized I didn t get me very far.
5
SPEAKER_00
Interesting, man.
5
SPEAKER_00
This is fascinating.
5
SPEAKER_00
Now,
5
SPEAKER_01
Natalie, right?
5
SPEAKER_01
She s your fiance.
5
SPEAKER_01
Have you guys picked a name for your child?
5
SPEAKER_01
We have.
5
SPEAKER_01
Is that public yet or no?
5
SPEAKER_01
Okay, cool.
5
SPEAKER_01
I ll tell you afterwards.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, tell me afterwards.
5
SPEAKER_01
But you got a girl coming, right?
5
SPEAKER_01
I have a girl.
5
SPEAKER_01
We have a girl coming.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
5
SPEAKER_01
I m curious, what do you really want her to know as she grows up in terms of how to get into a healthy relationship?
5
SPEAKER_01
Fast forward 20, 23 years from now.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
Graduated college.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
She s where you were at 23.
5
SPEAKER_01
What do you really want her to know?
5
SPEAKER_01
And what do you want to teach her about love relationships, intimacy, being with a man and what that looks like?
5
SPEAKER_00
Well, one, I guess, you know, sounds almost cheesy or cliche that that she s deserving of love, that she is truly loved.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I want my daughter and any kid I have after her to know that really they re kind of capable of anything.
5
SPEAKER_00
I want my kid to have perspective and I don t, you know, I want them to be hard working and, but I don t want them, I want them to
5
SPEAKER_00
understand their value, I guess is what I m trying to say.
5
SPEAKER_00
And their value comes from how they treat themselves and how they love their family and how they take care of the people they love.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I want them to
5
SPEAKER_00
understand that their time is not infinite and that their energy is not infinite and that the people that they spend time with has a cost everything you know and so anytime we have a react an interaction with someone when they start dating
5
SPEAKER_00
Don t ask themselves.
5
SPEAKER_00
Is this person like worth my time?
5
SPEAKER_00
You know, where is it getting me?
5
SPEAKER_00
you know because I don t want my daughter to chase the wrong things and I don t want my daughter to feel like she is Not enough or that there s something inside that s missing and instead of seeking out love that s gonna make her feel content and safe and valued
5
SPEAKER_00
I don t want her to go out there and chase something that just fills a void that she thinks she has.
5
SPEAKER_00
So I hope to give her enough love and make her feel valued and I want her to value hopefully the hard work she puts into whatever it is she wants to do or create to know that her time
5
SPEAKER_00
is special and to not waste that on people who aren t going to prioritize her, who might use her and things like that.
5
SPEAKER_00
And also to respect the people around her and respect their time.
5
SPEAKER_00
If she s going to expect people to value and prioritize her, then she has to be willing to do the same for those people as well.
5
SPEAKER_00
I hope I answered your question.
5
SPEAKER_00
Sometimes you ask a question and I just ramble.
5
SPEAKER_01
You know, we re both not fathers yet.
5
SPEAKER_01
Um, so maybe you don t have the answer to this, but how do you think a father can teach their daughter how to feel loved and valued without needing a toxic man to chase them?
5
SPEAKER_00
Well, I think it is just giving them that love and attention.
5
SPEAKER_00
You know, I, I have a lot of, my, my fiance will joke about having her own daddy issues, you know, um, cause I think daddy issues can be a real thing.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I think sometimes when you grow up in a, you know, a lot of our trauma, you talked about this comes from our childhood and if you re not loved and you re not cared for, you know,
5
SPEAKER_00
I think it can create a void that you try to fill in toxic ways.
5
SPEAKER_00
And so I think really just being present and being around and paying attention and showing an interest in what they do and not just be a parent, you know, like there s a balance between, you know, it s like you want to be a parent and you want to teach them respect.
5
SPEAKER_00
And, you know, it s not just your, it s not your job just to be their friend because, you know, they can have friends, but at the same time, you know,
5
SPEAKER_00
have a connection with your, your, your daughter or your kids, you know, I guess that s what I think, right?
5
SPEAKER_00
I don t want her to feel like she s not getting the love that she deserves from me and that, um, I d rather have my daughter say, Hey dad, you know what?
5
SPEAKER_00
I know you love me.
5
SPEAKER_00
Thanks.
5
SPEAKER_00
You know, back off a little bit in a way, you know, kind of be annoyed with dad because, ah, dad, why do you have to, you know, rather than it would break my heart to know that my daughter
5
SPEAKER_00
Um, wonders if I loved her.
5
SPEAKER_00
Or wonders why I don t spend enough time with her.
5
SPEAKER_00
Um, wonders why, you know, I prioritize other things over her.
5
SPEAKER_00
Um, that would break my heart.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I don t want those actions to affect her in her adult life because, you know, they often can.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
What do you think needs to die inside of you before your daughter is born for you to be the best father you can be or something you need to let go of or step into?
5
SPEAKER_00
Probably that fear of abandonment is again, anytime you re operating under fear, it s, you re just not making choices that are usually healthy.
5
SPEAKER_00
Right.
5
SPEAKER_00
You know, I also, I don t want to pass my anxiety down to my daughter and I can be a pretty anxious person.
5
SPEAKER_00
Right.
5
SPEAKER_00
You know, I don t want my fears to become her fears, you know?
5
SPEAKER_00
And so unnecessarily worrying about things outside of my control is definitely something I don t want to pass down to my daughter.
5
SPEAKER_00
That s good.
5
SPEAKER_00
That s good.
5
SPEAKER_01
You know, 20 years ago, when we started getting into relationships and dating, things were a lot different today, it seems like, than they were 20 years ago.
5
SPEAKER_01
Where do you think things are going to be in 20 years when your daughter starts dating and being with boys?
5
SPEAKER_01
I m worried.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
We just got in the social media world, you know, it s gone too fast.
5
SPEAKER_00
You know, I think technology has made it easier and easier to disconnect from each other, you know, and we are social creatures.
5
SPEAKER_00
We, we need human.
6
SPEAKER_00
connection.
6
SPEAKER_00
And technology has made it easier and easier to not connect with each other from human to human.
6
SPEAKER_00
The art of communication has been lost with people.
6
SPEAKER_00
And I m really afraid that things like AI and technology will offer us non-human options
6
SPEAKER_00
to find some sort of connection.
6
SPEAKER_00
It sounds almost sci-fi, but I don t think we re that far away from it.
6
SPEAKER_00
We re becoming lonelier and lonelier as a society.
6
SPEAKER_00
Men are even lonelier and lonelier.
6
SPEAKER_00
I saw a study recently about
6
SPEAKER_00
men are making less and less friends and like we re just we re isolating more and so yeah I am worried about that.
6
SPEAKER_00
I m worried about you know the potential options for my daughter in terms of making connections and I almost feel like there needs to be like a renaissance with dating where we have to kind of go back to our roots and we have to
6
SPEAKER_00
limit our options and limit our choices.
6
SPEAKER_00
And, you know, we say things like being intentional, but, you know, we truly have to be, we just start ask, why are we dating?
6
SPEAKER_00
You know, what, you know, people go out and date, and it s like, well, why are you doing it?
6
SPEAKER_00
Now we have this kind of hookup culture, you know, it s just like, I m in my 20s, I m going around and hook up with people.
6
SPEAKER_00
And listen, I m not here to shame anyone if they want to go out and have some sex, but like, just be honest with yourself about what
6
SPEAKER_00
you re doing.
6
SPEAKER_00
Right.
6
SPEAKER_00
You know, and if, if you re really focused on meeting someone who s right for you, then you maybe have to reflect on maybe your past choices and you know, who are the people you re choosing to go on dates with, you know, is it the person that will, you know, really give you that ego fix because you think they re really good looking or have a certain type of job or they have a certain type of value that you think that if you were able to land that person, it will make you feel special.
6
SPEAKER_00
And you have to start thinking about how is this person going to make you feel?
6
SPEAKER_00
How are you going to be able to connect with this person on a daily basis?
6
SPEAKER_00
Is this someone who is willing every day to prioritize your connection?
6
SPEAKER_00
And that s something Natalie and I really focus on.
6
SPEAKER_00
And it s really helped us in our relationship because like, I think sometimes, I used to do this, you get in a relationship and it s like, oh, I really like you.
6
SPEAKER_00
You know, like we ve been my boyfriend, we ve been my girlfriend.
6
SPEAKER_00
And then you decide, it s like, oh, I like this person.
6
SPEAKER_00
And most of the time when we date, once we meet someone we like and we decide we like them or we realize we like them, we actually stop getting to know them.
6
SPEAKER_00
You know, it s like, oh, now I like you.
6
SPEAKER_00
And now I have to just keep making sure you like me.
6
SPEAKER_00
Instead of realizing, well, even though we like each other, there s a lot to learn about each other, and you re gonna grow as a person, I m gonna grow as a person, and ask myself, how connected are we?
6
SPEAKER_00
Because that s a tangible thing that we can actually measure.
6
SPEAKER_00
Today I feel less connected to you than I did the day before.
6
SPEAKER_00
Okay, well, and then I can address that.
6
SPEAKER_00
And there are days where Natalie and I will say, I just, I feel a little disconnected from you.
6
SPEAKER_00
Can we try to be more connected?
6
SPEAKER_00
In the past, I never used that language in relationships and I didn t know how to quantify, you know, being in a fight or just, you know, feeling like, I just, you know, I think we ve been kind of going through the motions.
6
SPEAKER_00
And so, you know, Natalie and I really focus on and give some actual thought to like how connected we are.
6
SPEAKER_00
because that s something we can name.
6
SPEAKER_00
And then it doesn t become anyone s fault.
6
SPEAKER_00
It s not like, right, why did you do this?
6
SPEAKER_00
Or you re always going out, you re always doing this.
6
SPEAKER_00
It s like, I just don t feel as connected to you.
6
SPEAKER_00
And I m not, I don t know what it is.
6
SPEAKER_00
Let s just talk about it.
6
SPEAKER_00
Let s just figure it out.
6
SPEAKER_00
And then
6
SPEAKER_00
And that way, it s not being adversarial, you know?
6
SPEAKER_00
It s not pointing fingers.
6
SPEAKER_00
It s just, we prioritize our connection.
6
SPEAKER_00
That s the kind of the lifeblood of our relationship.
6
SPEAKER_00
And so, we re either coming close together, staying together, or moving further apart.
6
SPEAKER_00
And, you know, we check in from time to time.
6
SPEAKER_00
you know, about how close we re feeling.
6
SPEAKER_00
And, and, and there are days where, you know, it s, I just feel a little distant from you.
6
SPEAKER_00
Disconnected.
6
SPEAKER_00
Disconnected.
6
SPEAKER_00
And so if nothing else, sometimes it s just holding each other s hand, you know?
6
SPEAKER_00
Um, we started,
6
SPEAKER_00
prioritizing holding hands and going out in public and just, you know, always holding hands.
6
SPEAKER_00
And that just is a way, a very tangible way of literally being connected to your partner.
6
SPEAKER_00
But you can kind of feel that, you know, and sometimes that s just enough, you know, caressing each other and things like that, you know, you kind of,
6
SPEAKER_00
sounds corny, but like make love without having sex sometimes, you know, and, and that way you can be more intentional with your connection because, you know, especially with guys, sometimes you can have sex and it really has nothing to do with connecting.
6
SPEAKER_00
Right.
6
SPEAKER_00
Um, and so that s something I ve had to learn too, in terms of really prioritizing my connection with my partner and going out of my way to
6
SPEAKER_00
you know, really make her feel seen and be present and pay attention to her and listen to what she s saying, because those are all things I ve struggled with.
6
SPEAKER_00
That s beautiful, man.
6
SPEAKER_01
I want to acknowledge you, Nick, for... everything you ve had to overcome, really, in the last decade.
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You know, from being a public figure and being thrown into this universe where you re being judged and criticized for everything, to continually diving in deep with therapy, with healing, with...
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being of service now with your platform.
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It s been really cool to see the transformation happen.
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So I want to acknowledge you for being a force for good these days and for being in a, what seems to be, again, I don t know your fiance, but it seems to be a healthy, loving relationship, one that
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you can be proud of, that you re excited about, that feels like a good representation of who you ve always wanted to be.
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So I just want to acknowledge you for all you re doing and everything you ve overcome.
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I appreciate that.
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And I honestly, I would say, as far as my relationship goes, I think pride, healthy pride, would probably be how I feel about it.
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Because I never want to give some illusion that Natalie and I have some sort of picture-perfect relationship.
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We work really hard on our relationship.
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And like every other relationship, we ve had our struggles, and we ve had to overcome things.
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but we do work really hard and it is a priority for both of us to make that relationship work and that s why I m proud of that relationship.
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Not so much that it s some sort of, it s very easy a lot of the time because I think of our compatibility, but we care about that relationship and it s a priority for us to move it forward and I think that s what makes it successful, not because of destiny or because we just love each other so hard.
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You set an intention, an intention to make it great and to focus on it and to be present, the power of intention.
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Absolutely.
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I ve got two hypothetical questions and one definition for you, and then we ll be complete.
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Okay.
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Hypothetical question number one, you re 63, 20 years from now.
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What is the thing, if you could go into this hypothetical scenario, you can imagine your life fast forward in 20 years, hopefully it takes a long time, but you re there.
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What is the thing you ll be most proud of that you did from 43 to 63 at that time?
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That s easy.
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Being a father.
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It s funny because like I ve had a lot of different hopes and dreams in my life and a lot of those have changed.
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You know, sometimes we, you know, I never imagined I d be a podcast host talking about reality TV and relationships.
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Um, but being a father has always been the one constant, and yet it s taken me a while to get there.
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But there s nothing more exciting, other than I have, we have two dogs and Natalie, but like, now that I have a daughter on the way, to know that, like, really, everything I do going forward,
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isn t for me anymore.
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The feeling of taking care of the people you love is, to me, a very rewarding feeling.
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And again, I m not trying to be a martyr.
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Like, I m not saying I won t matter, but I will get so much joy and so much fulfillment out of...
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raising my child and raising our children and taking care of my family, that it motivates me so much and it s so rewarding.
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It gives me more purpose, you know, to that purpose that there are people in this world that really count on you for survival and for love and for affection.
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really drives me and it kind of makes everything I do worth it.
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And so, without question, you know, 20 years from now, it will be what I have brought as a father will be the most meaningful thing.
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That s beautiful, man.
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Hypothetical question number two.
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I ask everyone at the end of our episodes this question.
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It s called the three truths So imagine you get to live as long as you want to live and you accomplish everything and have the family and the relationship You want everything it all happens?
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But it s your last day many years away as always you want to be yeah and
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And for whatever reason, in this hypothetical scenario, you ve got to take everything with you that you ve created.
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So this conversation is gone.
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Everything you put on your podcast, social media, books, whatever you create in the future is gone.
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Okay.
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So we don t have access to your information or content anymore.
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But on this final day, you get to leave behind three lessons.
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And this is all we would have to be reminded of your content.
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Okay.
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I call it three truths.
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What would be those three truths for you?
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Don t seek validation, seek love would be one.
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Um,
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Yeah, I mean, we haven t really talked much about it, but if there is a quality that I have that I value the most, would be my resiliency.
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Life is meant to be hard, and that s okay.
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And, you know, we live in a world, I think, sometimes, where we re not teaching people how to overcome adversity, and having that ability to pick yourself back up.
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And so I guess that truth would be just, you know, just keep going.
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Every problem is definitely an opportunity, would be one for sure, because that has served me really well.
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Because there have been some times in my life where I was like, I don t know how I got here.
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I don t know where I m going to go.
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But I ve figured it out.
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And it s amazing when you look back on those moments.
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And sometimes your most painful moments in the present become your best memories in the future, because you look back and you realize what you overcome.
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And it was those painful moments that really got you where you re going.
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So just be resilient and keep finding new ways to reinvent yourself, I guess would be number two.
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You know, and then when it comes to relationships, make sure that you feel loved, I guess.
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Yeah.
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Because like, I just, I can only say that just because, you know, there have been times, for example, where any challenge that Natalie and I have had, I always thought to myself, I really feel her love.
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And to me, that s what made, that s why I fight for that relationship.
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I think in relationships I had in the past, I didn t think about that.
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I didn t recognize that.
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And I very stubbornly fought for relationships
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that I didn t feel love because I was afraid of being a failure.
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So just be mindful of the love you feel from the people you surround yourself with.
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That s what I would say.
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It s a good one.
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Final question, Nick.
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What s your definition of greatness?
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I think resiliency.
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Yeah.
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I don t know.
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Yeah.
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I really value my ability to overcome obstacles.
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Because I think that s what has brought me to where I m at in my life.
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Because I think I ve had challenges where I didn t think I d overcome them.
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And so I guess I m just really proud of that.
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And to me, whatever greatness I have in my life, I attribute to my resiliency.
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There you go.
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Nick, my man, thanks for coming in.
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I appreciate your time.
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I hope today s episode inspired you on your journey towards greatness.
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Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today s show with all the important links.
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And if no one has told you today, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.
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And now it s time to go out there and do something great.