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This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.
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But look at how fast, we re almost halfway through the year.
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Crazy.
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Yeah.
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Are you proud of what you ve done in 2024 so far?
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I know.
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I mean, you always want to do more, right?
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Life goes so fast, David.
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It s important to take a moment to celebrate your wins, make adjustments for the rest of the year.
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Therapy can help you take stock of your progress and set achievable goals for the next six months.
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Yeah.
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Listen, therapy is the way to go.
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I did it for a while.
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And I think the thing that slowed me down was what they, is driving to Santa Monica in traffic once or twice a week.
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This is online.
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It s a great idea.
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Very convenient.
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It helps you.
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You ve got coping skills, how to set boundaries.
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I mean, there s so many things you can do here to be a better version of yourself.
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You can probably always sharpen it.
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Yeah, I mean, I had a therapist in Portland and I would commute and that was a pain.
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That s a long drive.
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I know it was 1300 miles one way, but you know, it s good therapist.
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But yeah, this one you can mix and match and your thoughts kind of control you and you want to master them.
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That s betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash F-O-T-W.
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So, today s show, Julie Bowen.
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I was gonna go Julie Bowen.
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Okay, good, I ll start over.
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No, don t start over.
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I was inspired by your... Julie Bowen.
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What song is that?
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It s James Bond.
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Oh, okay.
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I m telling you.
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Julie Bowen.
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Come on, wake up.
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Come on, we gotta get this podcast going.
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So she is a modern family.
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She s done a million things.
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Happy Gilmore.
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Happy Gilmore, a lot of movies.
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She s what I would call a kick in the pants.
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She is a lot of fun.
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She s a pistol.
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She was funny the whole time.
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She made fun of me the whole time we dated in the old days.
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Wait a minute, what?
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What is that?
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What s it about?
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Date who?
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Date what?
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So this is one of David s ex-girlfriends, but friends.
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Yeah, we re still friendly and I don t see her really much because she lives in the valley.
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Gross.
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But no, we re still friendly and she s always funny to talk to as she busts my balls the whole time.
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which you thought was funny.
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I was just barrel laughing the whole time.
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I was bent over with tears of joy.
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She was just funny.
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This one is just a lively, energetic, funny little visit with Ms.
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Julie Bowen, who I had never really met, and so I just enjoyed her company.
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I thought she was so cool.
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She just produced a movie, Prompact.
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Bless you.
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And she has this preteen skincare brand called JB Scrub.
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Do you know that?
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It gets your pits.
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No, I wouldn t use preteen skin products.
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I ve never heard of that.
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You re 14.
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No, man, that s a teenager.
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No, this is, tell it serious.
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It gets your pits, butts, and nuts.
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That s the hook.
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Isn t that funny?
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Pits, butts, and nuts?
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Yeah.
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With a JB smooth cream?
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JBScrub.
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JBScrub.
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And by the way, 15% off if you put flyfriend15.
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So for our audience that is 12, is this for, who is this?
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Or for their kids.
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Oh, for the kids.
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Okay, so it s JBSmooth, pits, butts, and nuts.
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Speaking of young, someone thought I was 48 recently.
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Your mom?
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Tell me young.
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JBScrub.
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And it s not to be confused with J.B.
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Smoove.
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Hey, I got something for this.
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These are my jokes.
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Remember, J.B.
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Scrub, rub-a-dub-dub.
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You could say in the tub.
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I set it up for you.
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Yeah, oh, I didn t say it again.
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J.B.
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Scrub, rub-a-dub-dub in the butt.
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It was close.
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You know what?
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Let s let her tell you about everything.
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Here s Julie Bowen blabbing with these two idiots.
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Julie Bowen and wait till the fireworks start to happen between young David and Ms.
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Julie Bowen.
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No, she s trying to start trouble with me and I just, I m such a fucking professional.
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Some stuff happened on this particular episode that s never happened on other episodes.
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I ll put it that way.
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Stop your car.
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Don t even drive listening to this one.
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Pull over and call in sick at work.
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Julia s being very... Yeah, will you grab one more?
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I don t know what s going on.
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You look like Megan in that movie, Megan.
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Megan?
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I don t know the Megan dance.
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She s an 11-year-old sex doll.
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Why did they make Megan such a sex doll within 32 seconds?
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Why did they make Megan into an 11-year-old sex doll?
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That s a good question.
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I don t know if the robot needs a Kylie Jenner lip kit.
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Did you see?
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She has, like, eyes shut.
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She s like, I m Megan.
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I m like, that s not the movie, is it?
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For the teenage girl audience, I m having a candy bar thing.
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I don t think it s for the teenage girl.
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I think it s for the teenage boy audience.
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I have three teenage boys, and trust me, they are all spending a lot of time in the shower after that one.
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After Megan.
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After Megan.
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Hey, save some water.
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There were five boys, or four boys in my family.
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Four?
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Four.
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Which one were you?
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I was the youngest, so I got, you know.
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SPEAKER_00
Oh, so they ignored you.
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No, not necessarily.
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No, but in a good way.
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Well.
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Thank you so much.
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My sisters possessed that we all bullied her.
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They go, Lori, we were all on our own lane.
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We were all just completely.
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Wait a minute, there were four boys and a girl?
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And a little baby girl.
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How Catholic are you?
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Protestants.
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I m a Protestant.
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We don t have sex and we don t make a lot of kids.
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My mom had five kids by the time she was 31.
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You have three though, don t you?
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I have three, but I had two at once.
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That was not on purpose.
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That s not your fault.
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That s not my fault.
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When did you know they were twins?
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You re having twins.
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I knew, you know what?
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I m not a hippie and I m not like super fruity, but I d had one kid.
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Shut the fuck up, David.
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I can already see you.
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He rolled his eyes.
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I m not fucking super fruity, but I did have a dream when I was pregnant and I woke up and I said to my then husband,
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There s more than one.
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I just had this crazy dream where he goes, there better hadn t be.
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I go, you re coming to this appointment with me today.
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And we went in and that was the day they re looking around and stuff.
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And they re like, there s one, there s two.
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And he goes, he looked at me like, you fucking witch.
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What have you done?
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Like, how did you make, how did you create two babies in you on purpose?
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I think it safely was going to be harder on you than him.
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I don t know.
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My breastfeeding kept him up at night.
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What does that mean?
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He used to tell me, he goes, you breastfeeding is hard because it keeps me up at night.
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What s hard on him?
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He was joking.
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My dad would go, tough life.
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Tough life.
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So how do you two know each other?
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I get a sense you have your friends, right?
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You know each other.
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I know her.
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I m just guessing.
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I don t know.
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Why don t you tell him, David?
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Why don t you tell your friend, Dana?
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How you know me?
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Yeah, what is going on here?
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I mean, I m just, I m just, I m a fly on the wall right now.
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I met Julie, I think at a Golden Globes party, is that possible?
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Golden Globes party, HBO, Golden Globes party, you were Steve Levitan.
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Oh, I was?
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Steve Levitan, wow.
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You were there for, you d been nominated for Just Shoot Me.
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Second time, yeah.
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I m so sorry.
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We re not keeping track.
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Now he s like, he s like, I don t know.
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SPEAKER_00
When was it?
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Second time.
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So you sure it wasn t the first time, David?
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SPEAKER_01
No, I, you know what?
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I mix it up.
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It s all jumbled.
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SPEAKER_01
It s all jumbled.
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SPEAKER_00
It was one of those awards.
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SPEAKER_01
Did you win an Emmy?
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SPEAKER_02
I can t remember.
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SPEAKER_01
I don t remember.
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SPEAKER_01
I don t think it s about that.
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SPEAKER_00
I think it s nominations.
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Sorry, it doesn t make you a better person.
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SPEAKER_00
Wait, David, did you win an Emmy for Just Shoot Me?
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Honest, I did not.
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It doesn t make you inferior others.
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SPEAKER_02
Oh, they will get here.
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It doesn t matter.
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Well.
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I was back when those Emmys really mean I would have given you They meant something yeah now.
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They just hand them out like candy.
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I think you got handed to I think you got 2011
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When was that, the pandemic?
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I got one of those pandemic Emmys.
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SPEAKER_00
I got a COVID Emmy.
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SPEAKER_02
How many nominations for Modern Family?
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Just say it.
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SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
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SPEAKER_00
Six, something like that.
1
SPEAKER_00
Was it for me or the show?
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SPEAKER_01
Six nominations.
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You know what, Julie, honestly, I thought you hosted SNL twice and you voted two Emmys.
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No, I won two Emmys and I ve never hosted SNL.
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No, I would never host SNL.
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SPEAKER_00
You kidding me?
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SPEAKER_00
That is terrifying.
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SPEAKER_00
I watch it now.
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SPEAKER_00
Also, I m kind of into, like right now, how you guys watch SNL every week, right?
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SPEAKER_02
Nope.
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I see it on Instagram.
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SPEAKER_02
I don t stay up that late.
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We ll see clips.
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On Sunday, you can go on and watch all the sketches.
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SPEAKER_00
Right, and watch all of it.
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SPEAKER_00
But the guests this year in particular are like, it s like completely, it s all new.
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SPEAKER_00
Like there s none of the classics.
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SPEAKER_00
You know, there s no Tom Hanks.
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Oh, the guest hosts.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah, all the hosts.
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And so when I watch it now, I m like, oh, I could maybe do it now because it s just like they re much nicer and warmer, it seems like.
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SPEAKER_00
Who is?
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SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
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SPEAKER_00
It feels like you used to have to come on and kill in the
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in your opening monologue.
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SPEAKER_00
So now the hosts don t have to be here.
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SPEAKER_00
No, they are really funny, but it s much more gentle and kind about that.
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SPEAKER_00
They re like, I m so honored to be here.
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SPEAKER_00
This is so exciting.
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SPEAKER_00
It s emotional and almost serious.
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Yeah, a little political statement.
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SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
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And a little bit of like, this is, you know, what SNL meant to them growing up and how much it means to them to be there now.
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SPEAKER_00
Like even, you know, Liev Schreiber did a whole like, this is such a big deal to me.
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SPEAKER_00
And I was like,
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And Martin Short is on top of a piano.
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Exactly.
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He s crushing so hard.
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And so it s not as hard on the jokes as it was back when it would have been.
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Did they reach out to you?
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I would imagine they were.
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SPEAKER_02
During your 10 years or 11 years?
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SPEAKER_00
There was a soft, there was some soft, soft task.
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SPEAKER_02
Because you weren t on NBC, they re pretty loyal.
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SPEAKER_02
You were not on NBC, right?
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SPEAKER_02
You re ABC or no?
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SPEAKER_00
I was on NBC when David tracked me down.
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SPEAKER_00
I don t know if that s the terminology.
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SPEAKER_00
And that was that other show.
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SPEAKER_00
That was Ed, I did a show called Ed.
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SPEAKER_01
Oh, that is the terminology, yes.
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SPEAKER_00
I was doing Ed when you were doing.
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SPEAKER_01
So he stalked you?
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SPEAKER_00
He stalked me, we were at this, I was with Willie Garson.
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SPEAKER_01
R.I.P.
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SPEAKER_00
He was on, he invited me as, he s like, I ve had this said to me more than once, you look like somebody who s got a nice dress hanging in the closet.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s like the day before some award show.
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SPEAKER_00
Clearly everyone else has dropped out.
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SPEAKER_00
Could you possibly chuck on your dress and show up?
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SPEAKER_00
That wasn t me, that was Willie.
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SPEAKER_00
No, that was Willie.
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SPEAKER_00
Okay, yeah.
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SPEAKER_00
So I went with Willie and you were there with Steve Levitan and you walked by me and then walked right back again and go, hey, do I know you?
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SPEAKER_00
I know you.
1
SPEAKER_00
Hey, what s up?
1
SPEAKER_00
What s up?
1
SPEAKER_00
And I said, no, no.
1
SPEAKER_01
I think I said, do we have the same barber?
1
SPEAKER_02
Spade has the best pattern with women.
1
SPEAKER_02
I mean, just, just even the flight attendant or whoever you do, you have a good, they like the funny.
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SPEAKER_00
Funny matters.
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SPEAKER_00
My family, when I started dating David, my family was like, Oh dear God.
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SPEAKER_00
They re like, what?
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SPEAKER_00
And I said, funny counts.
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SPEAKER_01
I don t need to hear behind the scenes.
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SPEAKER_00
Money counts, that s the name of your next book.
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SPEAKER_02
Money counts, they go, does it count that much?
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SPEAKER_02
Money counts.
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SPEAKER_00
Money counts.
1
SPEAKER_02
It counts a lot because you, like Laura Michaels said once, you can t marry a face.
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SPEAKER_02
Because eventually you don t even see the face.
1
SPEAKER_02
So you have to marry a personality.
1
SPEAKER_02
What s better than someone that makes you laugh all day long?
1
SPEAKER_00
Right.
1
SPEAKER_00
So David tried to track me down through, but this is where he shat the bed.
1
SPEAKER_00
What channels did he use?
1
SPEAKER_00
Are we allowed to swear on your show?
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SPEAKER_00
Sure.
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SPEAKER_01
What the fuck?
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SPEAKER_01
I don t think we can say track me down again, but we can swear.
1
SPEAKER_01
What kind of tracking device did he use?
1
SPEAKER_01
Was it a private detective?
1
SPEAKER_00
No, a publicist.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
Which was such a fucking seam on it.
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SPEAKER_00
I want to be tracked down though.
1
SPEAKER_00
Isn t it flattering to be tracked down a little bit?
1
SPEAKER_00
Not by a publicist.
1
SPEAKER_01
There s no other way.
1
SPEAKER_01
By telegram?
1
SPEAKER_00
When you figured out that, because at first I told you I was a dog walker.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
Because you were like, I know you.
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SPEAKER_00
I go, no.
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SPEAKER_00
And I was like, if he doesn t know me, what am I going to give you my resume?
1
SPEAKER_00
No.
1
SPEAKER_00
You had no idea who I was.
1
SPEAKER_01
You did the right thing.
1
SPEAKER_00
Thought I was cute.
1
SPEAKER_00
I said I was a dog walker.
1
SPEAKER_00
You re like.
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SPEAKER_00
And then I ran into you at another party somewhere.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then the next thing I knew I had, you did track me down through, you figured out I had been in Happy Gilmore with Sandler.
1
SPEAKER_02
But anytime he s mentioned, I try to do that.
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SPEAKER_02
She did the best.
1
SPEAKER_00
You didn t bother to go through Adam.
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SPEAKER_00
You didn t go through anybody personal.
1
SPEAKER_02
I didn t think I want Adam knowing my personal business.
1
SPEAKER_02
So what, this is a Conan Johnson PR firm and we re looking for Julie Bowman?
1
SPEAKER_00
No, it was literally this woman, I don t remember her name, but she tracked me down.
1
SPEAKER_00
I had a bunch of, a couple calls from her.
1
SPEAKER_00
David would like to talk to you.
1
SPEAKER_00
David likes, and I was like, fuck that.
1
SPEAKER_01
They would like to see you in his office.
1
SPEAKER_01
You literally were, fuck that?
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SPEAKER_01
Well, I got- She s like, fuck that.
1
SPEAKER_00
A publicist?
1
SPEAKER_02
You were on Ed, right?
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SPEAKER_00
I was on Ed.
1
SPEAKER_02
It was not a lascivious fuck that.
1
SPEAKER_00
No, it was not like, I m gonna fuck that.
1
SPEAKER_00
No, it was a- No, it was not that for sure.
1
SPEAKER_00
It was not that.
1
SPEAKER_00
It was not that.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then- You did that perfectly.
1
SPEAKER_00
I was living in New York in this building.
1
SPEAKER_00
I remember I was in the gym really early watching TVs with no, you know, they had with no volume.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I see that you had been tased by Skippy.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s a story we have not explored.
1
SPEAKER_02
You haven t explored this?
1
SPEAKER_02
On this podcast, it s been mentioned though.
1
SPEAKER_02
David was tased by Skippy.
1
SPEAKER_01
I know the whole story.
1
SPEAKER_01
Tase and beaten.
1
SPEAKER_01
Tase was the beginning to disarm me.
1
SPEAKER_01
Disarm the musculature.
1
SPEAKER_00
It was a night of terror.
1
SPEAKER_00
My attention, did I mention that the volume was not on on the TVs?
1
SPEAKER_00
I was doing my best.
1
SPEAKER_02
So what did you decipher from the silence?
1
SPEAKER_02
Anyone who gets tased, I m gonna go to Arby s with.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, definitely.
1
SPEAKER_00
No, I was like, now, where was that scrap of paper I wrote down for the publicist to give me his number?
1
SPEAKER_00
That asshole.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I called him and I was like, hey.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s when you called me about that?
1
SPEAKER_00
That s when I called you, I go, hey, it s Juliet Herd.
1
SPEAKER_00
You had your opener.
1
SPEAKER_00
Are you all right?
1
SPEAKER_00
I just saw you got tased by Skippy.
1
SPEAKER_00
And you said, now will you go out with me?
1
SPEAKER_01
No, I said, well, I realized my dick s still working, because it got all excited.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m sorry, can we take that out first?
1
SPEAKER_02
You actually didn t say that.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, wait a minute, you said dick working?
1
SPEAKER_02
You said, now will you go out with me?
1
SPEAKER_02
Now will you go out with me?
1
SPEAKER_02
Sounds more like dating.
1
SPEAKER_00
Now will you go out with me?
1
SPEAKER_00
I had to get tased to get a date?
1
SPEAKER_01
No, after I was laid up for a while in very pain, I started to come to my senses.
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t even remember these calls, because it was,
1
SPEAKER_00
It was so much pain.
1
SPEAKER_01
So much calls, so much pain.
1
SPEAKER_01
I didn t even know about Vicodin until right after this.
1
SPEAKER_01
You knew about Vicodin by the time we were on a date.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, you were little V chippies.
1
SPEAKER_00
I remember a lot of that.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh yeah, I had a puka shell made of Vicodin.
1
SPEAKER_00
He ate your necklace today.
1
SPEAKER_00
Everybody needs to know about David is that he s the most like sensitive, delicate flower who has low blood sugar, has to carry around a little rat bag full of like turkey and chicken.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, there s protein bars all over this mansion.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s like having a puppy.
1
SPEAKER_00
He wants to go like party, but it s at like 6 p.m. 6.30.
1
SPEAKER_00
and bed at 8.45, but we re kicker in spirits.
1
SPEAKER_02
We like to eat at 3.30.
1
SPEAKER_02
We asked the restaurants to open so we could go at four o clock, but that s when I was on Conan.
1
SPEAKER_02
He goes, this was a few months back.
1
SPEAKER_02
He goes, well, you ve been doing this podcast with Spade.
1
SPEAKER_02
How would you describe him?
1
SPEAKER_02
And I did not prepare for that answer, but the first word that came to my head was gentle.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s exactly what I m saying.
1
SPEAKER_00
He s like a gentle, sensitive soul who doesn t want to admit the greatest story that David ever told me was, I m telling all your stories.
1
SPEAKER_01
Julie went to Brown University.
1
SPEAKER_01
Shut up.
1
SPEAKER_01
So did Marcy Klein.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay, go ahead.
1
SPEAKER_00
But didn t know her there, never met her once.
1
SPEAKER_01
No, go ahead, what did I do?
1
SPEAKER_00
No, you told me a story once about hooking up with a girl when you were doing, you were living out here, you weren t on SNL yet, you hooked up with some girl, you were so excited and you spent the night at her house and you didn t want to tell her about your low blood sugar.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I think you got up in the morning to go get,
1
SPEAKER_00
coffee or something or breakfast, and you passed out in line waiting because your blood sugar was so low.
1
SPEAKER_00
And you were so embarrassed.
1
SPEAKER_00
So ever since then.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, that happened at SNL in front of Sherry Oteri at lunch.
1
SPEAKER_01
It happened at Taco Bell when I was going to meet Sandler and those guys that play tennis in the valley.
1
SPEAKER_01
At Taco Bell, I slid on the ground and slept on the ground and was out.
1
SPEAKER_01
I think that was also because I found a dog tooth in my burrito, so no one knows exactly what the problem was.
1
SPEAKER_00
You did not find a dog to... No, you didn t.
1
SPEAKER_01
I didn t even take it back.
1
SPEAKER_01
Because they just shrugged their shoulders.
1
SPEAKER_01
But Spade passed out.
1
SPEAKER_01
I used to pass out more, but now I don t.
1
SPEAKER_00
But didn t people think that you were snarky and lecherous?
1
SPEAKER_00
No, it was very nice.
1
SPEAKER_01
That was the persona, the comic persona from Update.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, that s me on update on every TV show in every movie.
1
SPEAKER_01
So that s where it gets a little blurry, right?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, right.
1
SPEAKER_00
What are you sketching over there, David?
1
SPEAKER_01
I m just signing my will.
1
SPEAKER_01
When he s nervous.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m nervous, I m scribbling.
1
SPEAKER_00
Why are you nervous?
1
SPEAKER_01
Because we haven t gotten to anything except the fact that I should be in a stretcher at all times.
2
SPEAKER_01
What are you trying to get to?
2
SPEAKER_01
We re not trying to get anywhere.
2
SPEAKER_01
We ve been at this for a year and a half.
2
SPEAKER_03
And you re not trying to get to anything.
2
SPEAKER_03
You re a superstar.
2
SPEAKER_00
Knowing how to speak and understand a new language can be an invaluable tool when traveling, meeting new friends, or just even to master a new skill.
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That s 50% off unlimited access to 25 language courses for the rest of your life.
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Redeem your 50% off at rosettastone.com slash rs10 today.
2
SPEAKER_03
I was going to ask you, how do you deal with that emotionally?
2
SPEAKER_03
When people come up to you, because you were going along famous, the Modern Family was a smash, maybe the latest or last super hit situation.
2
SPEAKER_03
Last one, I d say, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
And then you re famous and people come up to you and go, I can t believe it s all of you.
2
SPEAKER_03
How do you process that?
2
SPEAKER_03
You go, yeah, what s up?
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, no, I was pregnant with the twins during the pilot of Modern Family and I gave birth, May 7th, we got picked up a little early and I was waiting, I was in labor, I m in the hospital and my phone s ringing, I m between contractions.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m a little bored, you know, there s time between contractions.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I answer the phone, fuck you, and I answer the phone and it s...
2
SPEAKER_01
Steve Levitan, and he goes, Julie, I got exciting news.
2
SPEAKER_01
We got picked up.
2
SPEAKER_01
We got picked up early.
2
SPEAKER_01
They re going to show the whole pilot at Upfronts.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s a really big deal.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I m like, oh my God, that s great.
2
SPEAKER_01
He goes, you got to come to Upfronts.
2
SPEAKER_01
He said, what are you doing?
2
SPEAKER_02
That was your celebration.
2
SPEAKER_02
I go, I m in labor.
2
SPEAKER_01
She s in labor.
2
SPEAKER_01
And he goes, you re in labor?
2
SPEAKER_01
And you answer the phone.
2
SPEAKER_01
It was a quiet moment.
2
SPEAKER_01
So, but the point being that I literally at the exact same time the modern family was happening, I went from having one kid to three babies.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh, so you didn t, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
It was like, I was in a fugue state.
2
SPEAKER_01
And people would come up to me and talk to me and I was like, I hadn t slept, I hadn t eaten, I was exhausted all the time.
2
SPEAKER_02
But the pickup is one thing, but then the fact that it, did it come out of the gate huge?
2
SPEAKER_02
I think it did.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
Because I remember hearing about the pilot that it was big.
2
SPEAKER_02
You mentioned Steve Levitan in our
2
SPEAKER_02
meat story, but Steve, if you don t know, was my boss at the time of Just Shoot Me, and he was yours at Modern Family.
2
SPEAKER_01
Are you saying that to you, the listener?
2
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_01
Because you think I don t know that.
2
SPEAKER_01
No, I m telling you.
2
SPEAKER_02
The college kids are going, how do we get in show business?
2
SPEAKER_01
Hey, gang.
2
SPEAKER_02
No, Julie, your boss s name was Steve Levitan.
2
SPEAKER_02
You won t remember this, but he was there for 10 years.
2
SPEAKER_02
Steve Levitan produced Just Shoot Me.
2
SPEAKER_03
Just Shoot Me.
2
SPEAKER_03
And Modern Family.
2
SPEAKER_02
And Modern Family.
2
SPEAKER_03
And how many homes does Steve own today?
2
SPEAKER_01
I can count four, three, four.
2
SPEAKER_03
Is he full private jet?
2
SPEAKER_01
If he had his money, I d throw mine away.
2
SPEAKER_01
No, I don t think so.
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, you know what?
2
SPEAKER_01
Maybe a lease.
2
SPEAKER_01
Divorce in California is not- Oh, divorce.
2
SPEAKER_03
He got divorced, so I- They usually get 70% without a prenup.
2
SPEAKER_01
Are you divorced?
2
SPEAKER_03
No, no, I m not rich enough to get divorced.
2
SPEAKER_03
Sorry, honey, she s listening.
2
SPEAKER_03
No, but you split everything, and then there s alimony, so aggregate over time.
2
SPEAKER_03
I heard this from other divorced men, not myself.
2
SPEAKER_03
I ve been married for 71 years, no.
2
SPEAKER_03
Divorced men?
2
SPEAKER_03
Divorce men, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
Well, Julie isn t an odd situation, it s not typical.
2
SPEAKER_01
It just seems like it s a little sexist to think that only men are paying.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, wait a minute.
2
SPEAKER_03
No, no, that was me not filling the other.
2
SPEAKER_03
Rumors are that Tom Arnold made a tidy sum from Roseanne Barr.
2
SPEAKER_01
Sure you go.
2
SPEAKER_03
There you go.
2
SPEAKER_03
Go Roseanne.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m all in favor of both ways.
2
SPEAKER_01
Fuck you.
2
SPEAKER_01
Whichever spouse has the money shall pay.
2
SPEAKER_01
He who has the money shall, she or he who has the money shall pay.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I don t know if Steve has a private jet.
2
SPEAKER_02
I ve never heard of it.
2
SPEAKER_02
When I just sold my house, he came and looked at it.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s what I heard.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
Did you buy it?
2
SPEAKER_03
What was it up for?
2
SPEAKER_02
I said, you want this for like the kids or something like a like a little shack?
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like a stabbing cabin.
2
SPEAKER_02
You know that phrase.
2
SPEAKER_02
That s one of his favorite.
2
SPEAKER_03
Stabbing cabin.
2
SPEAKER_03
Stabbing cabin up in Truesdale.
2
SPEAKER_03
What is the origin of stabbing cabin quickly?
2
SPEAKER_03
It s just a funny term I heard along the way.
2
SPEAKER_03
Isn t it from the 1930s?
2
SPEAKER_03
It s about a place you have an affair with.
2
SPEAKER_03
I heard an agent say it.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s a shack for shagging.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s a shagging shack.
2
SPEAKER_01
I ve heard it in a bunch of different places.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s funny.
2
SPEAKER_02
I think some agent told me he goes, well, I live out in Malibu.
2
SPEAKER_02
I got a stabbing cabin in town.
2
SPEAKER_02
I go,
2
SPEAKER_02
What?
2
SPEAKER_02
Then I sort of did the math in my head.
2
SPEAKER_02
I go, I might have a stabbing cabin.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s a great phrase.
2
SPEAKER_01
It is.
2
SPEAKER_01
I think it s just to have a great phrase.
2
SPEAKER_02
Mistress, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
You don t have to have a mistress to have a stabbing cabin.
2
SPEAKER_01
So do you wanna hear about our first date?
2
SPEAKER_03
I wanna hear everything I can about you two because David is my partner and really good friend and I d love to hear about him as a boyfriend.
2
SPEAKER_01
He showed up at- Julie is fluent in Italian.
2
SPEAKER_02
She is.
2
SPEAKER_01
Nice try.
2
SPEAKER_02
Look at your nose.
2
SPEAKER_01
He showed up at my apartment in New York after doing Letterman and it was Halloween and you had a clip-in, colorful, like blue or black hair clip-in.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, because you left it on the floor and you had a tiny bottle of Jack Daniels in your sock And I was like, that s cool You think that s cool anybody I mean so illicit to have like I just go get a pop well because he s
2
SPEAKER_01
That s all he could, he s a gentle soul.
2
SPEAKER_01
He s a gentle drinker too.
2
SPEAKER_01
I do about a little bit.
2
SPEAKER_02
Back then I could do about three drinks a night, but I do two now.
2
SPEAKER_02
But that was, Jack Daniels, I don t drink anymore, I drink vodka, but that was a little too sugary, bless my heart.
2
SPEAKER_02
It was too, it would not be healthy.
2
SPEAKER_01
But you kept a little tiny airplane bottle in your sock.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I d keep it in my socks, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
It s a lab experiment.
2
SPEAKER_03
When David gets a cocktail, there s a Diet Coke, right?
2
SPEAKER_03
And then you get the Tito s Neat, and then you re mixing and matching and pouring and pouring.
2
SPEAKER_02
I appreciate that.
2
SPEAKER_02
But I used to get the hangover so bad, so now I just want to get a buzz.
2
SPEAKER_02
I don t want to get so fucking, like, collapsing.
2
SPEAKER_02
So I think it s a combo of being a puss and being, you know,
2
SPEAKER_02
A loser?
2
SPEAKER_02
Some sort of doctors told me that.
2
SPEAKER_01
A lightweight?
2
SPEAKER_01
A puss plays a loser?
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, something like that.
2
SPEAKER_03
A pooser?
2
SPEAKER_03
Fragile?
2
SPEAKER_03
A lus?
2
SPEAKER_03
So what happened on his first date?
2
SPEAKER_03
He shows up, he s got the bow in his hair, he s got Jack Daniels in his sock.
2
SPEAKER_01
He s got clip-in hair extensions and he s got Jack Daniels in his sock.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s not it.
2
SPEAKER_02
That s clear.
2
SPEAKER_02
He had a bow in it, it was a bow.
2
SPEAKER_01
Stricken, stricken.
2
SPEAKER_01
No, what do you mean stricken?
2
SPEAKER_02
It wasn t extensions.
2
SPEAKER_01
They were, it was for Halloween.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, maybe something fun.
2
SPEAKER_01
You had gone on Letterman on Halloween.
2
SPEAKER_01
Cause I was like, what s happening with your hair?
2
SPEAKER_01
And you re like, it was Halloween.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then he just started a constant stream.
2
SPEAKER_01
A barrage of funny came at me.
2
SPEAKER_03
Absolutely.
2
SPEAKER_01
For about 45 minutes.
2
SPEAKER_01
And the next thing I knew I was naked.
2
SPEAKER_01
How the fuck did that happen?
2
SPEAKER_03
He wore you down, so you endorphinized, you completely relaxed, and by the time he s reaching for buttons and stuff, you re like, whatever.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t even, I m laughing, laughed all the way, laughed all the way through it.
2
SPEAKER_01
Did you laugh?
2
SPEAKER_02
Don t say laugh through sex.
2
SPEAKER_01
I did laugh through sex.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, okay.
2
SPEAKER_01
Because come on.
2
SPEAKER_02
Well, that s not good.
2
SPEAKER_02
Okay, that s a whole other story.
2
SPEAKER_02
No, that s not the idea.
2
SPEAKER_01
No, that s good for our podcast.
2
SPEAKER_02
It should slow down right toward that part.
2
SPEAKER_02
It could be fade out on that.
2
SPEAKER_01
Nope.
2
SPEAKER_01
Nope.
2
SPEAKER_01
No, it was funny, because I remember calling my sisters the next day and going,
2
SPEAKER_02
Is sex good?
2
SPEAKER_02
No, what did you say to your sister?
2
SPEAKER_01
I said, I saw him with David Spade last night.
2
SPEAKER_01
They re like, oh no.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I said, he s funny, funny counts.
2
SPEAKER_01
Why is everyone fucking against him?
2
SPEAKER_03
Funny counts, that s the name of this episode.
2
SPEAKER_01
But you know, when I came and said, we saw you New Year s Eve, we d been seeing each other for a while.
2
SPEAKER_01
And Molly, my sister and I came to see you at the Delano.
2
SPEAKER_01
We were somewhere in Miami, right?
2
SPEAKER_01
We stayed at the Delano.
2
SPEAKER_01
And she laughed so hard in that performance.
2
SPEAKER_01
She leaned over to me at the end and she goes,
2
SPEAKER_01
I d fuck him.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, Molly.
2
SPEAKER_03
That was years later.
2
SPEAKER_01
Comedians all over America.
2
SPEAKER_01
There are chuckle fuckers out there.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m not a chuckle fucker.
2
SPEAKER_02
A chuckle fucker.
2
SPEAKER_02
People that go out with you are chuckle fuckers.
2
SPEAKER_01
No, they re not.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yes, they are.
2
SPEAKER_01
No, you know how serious a grim I am.
2
SPEAKER_02
No, you re not.
2
SPEAKER_02
You re very funny.
2
SPEAKER_02
No, you think this is about looks?
2
SPEAKER_02
You are very funny.
2
SPEAKER_03
So you seduced each other comedically.
2
SPEAKER_02
You have two Emmys versus my zero.
2
SPEAKER_02
That really fucking burned my onion.
2
SPEAKER_03
It doesn t mean you re not great if you don t have an Emmy.
2
SPEAKER_03
We have Emmys.
2
SPEAKER_01
Quit saying, oh, you dragged yourself into it.
2
SPEAKER_01
Dana, how many Emmys do you have?
2
SPEAKER_03
Two, it doesn t matter.
2
SPEAKER_03
Six nominations.
2
SPEAKER_03
Look, we need to move on.
2
SPEAKER_02
David you are a superstar.
2
SPEAKER_02
I don t think I was with Julie when they announced at the Emmys David Hyde Pierce, and I started to get up Oh, you should have won one sickening you would have a you were like God I go dude.
2
SPEAKER_02
I wear that guy Yo, are you serious?
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, it was good though because I
3
SPEAKER_03
It was a good wake up call.
3
SPEAKER_03
Why did I think I could win?
3
SPEAKER_03
That s the thing.
3
SPEAKER_00
What?
3
SPEAKER_00
I know.
3
SPEAKER_00
I was laughing.
3
SPEAKER_00
I was laughing really loud and I didn t want to like, I didn t want to blow out your mic.
3
SPEAKER_03
That s actually professional.
3
SPEAKER_03
No, you want to, but, okay, back to.
3
SPEAKER_03
Fine, I ll let you ask questions.
3
SPEAKER_02
Well, I love that story.
3
SPEAKER_03
Julie, when we went to the commercial, you were naked in the story.
3
SPEAKER_00
I know, you did.
3
SPEAKER_00
You just, it was like a wall of words.
3
SPEAKER_00
It was like getting roofied by humor.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh yeah, I ve seen him do that where it s just tumbling, tumbling, tumbling with all these one-liners and references.
3
SPEAKER_02
And it is a barrage.
3
SPEAKER_03
Well, you have to be the same frequency of humor.
3
SPEAKER_03
And then you re laughing.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m laughing.
3
SPEAKER_03
Which is a great audience, yes.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I was laughing and laughing.
3
SPEAKER_00
But that was about the last time we were on a date alone.
3
SPEAKER_00
Because then you always brought somebody.
3
SPEAKER_00
Got silent.
3
SPEAKER_00
He always brings people on dates.
3
SPEAKER_03
The worst is when Sandler found out about us going out because then these two will gang up against one another.
3
SPEAKER_03
We have time for one more question.
3
SPEAKER_03
You were on ER where you did a strong turn.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m talking about strong turns.
3
SPEAKER_02
I have these kinds of questions that don t involve that.
3
SPEAKER_03
I know, well I wanted to just let the audience know about her career with the Happy Gilmore of it all.
3
SPEAKER_03
We do have to, just because it s exciting because we just did that thing for Adam.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, you were at the dinner.
3
SPEAKER_00
By the way, I watched your Kennedy Center.
3
SPEAKER_00
Strong.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh yeah?
3
SPEAKER_00
Turn off the cameras for a moment.
3
SPEAKER_00
That was really, really good.
3
SPEAKER_00
The teleprompter joke.
3
SPEAKER_03
That s a good starter.
3
SPEAKER_00
Unless you re on the teleprompter.
3
SPEAKER_00
You can only use it once.
3
SPEAKER_00
It was fantastic.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, thank you.
3
SPEAKER_03
Going in like that one.
3
SPEAKER_03
It was really good.
3
SPEAKER_03
Thank you very much for watching that.
3
SPEAKER_03
And we had a blast out there.
3
SPEAKER_03
We saw you at the dinner before.
3
SPEAKER_03
The intimate dinner for 200 people.
3
SPEAKER_00
The intimate dinner for 200.
3
SPEAKER_00
I call it the B-list.
3
SPEAKER_00
It was the spillover room.
3
SPEAKER_00
It was the spillover.
3
SPEAKER_00
It was the L.A.
3
SPEAKER_00
crew that was not gonna be invited.
3
SPEAKER_00
Did you, wait, Dana, did you go to D.C.?
3
SPEAKER_00
I was there.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, sorry, so you were A-list.
3
SPEAKER_00
Our paths never crossed.
3
SPEAKER_00
You were there.
3
SPEAKER_00
No, you were in D.C.
3
SPEAKER_00
I was.
3
SPEAKER_00
You were at the dinner, too.
3
SPEAKER_00
Right, no, but you were also at the dinner.
3
SPEAKER_00
We were at the dinner.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, the Hillcrest.
3
SPEAKER_00
Adam had a dinner two days before.
3
SPEAKER_02
And then I went to D.C.
3
SPEAKER_00
I was like the, you know, the low-level.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, the dinner was just an old-school call sheet of all his movies combined.
3
SPEAKER_00
Right, exactly.
3
SPEAKER_03
Because you were mapping Gilmore, and Hubie Halloween, and then Dennis Dugan did both of those, right?
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
Directed.
3
SPEAKER_00
No, no, Dennis Dugan didn t direct Hubie.
3
SPEAKER_03
He didn t?
3
SPEAKER_03
No.
3
SPEAKER_03
Do you remember Ed Hurley?
3
SPEAKER_00
No.
3
SPEAKER_00
Hang on, give me a second.
3
SPEAKER_00
Don t do this to me.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think it was Dennis.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s so embarrassing.
3
SPEAKER_00
No, I would fucking know if it was Dennis.
3
SPEAKER_03
I know Goosen did pickups.
3
SPEAKER_00
No, yes, he did pickups, but it was... Someone has the internet, they ll figure it out.
3
SPEAKER_00
Heather.
3
SPEAKER_00
Bob.
3
SPEAKER_03
Where you find out who directed Hubie Halloween?
3
SPEAKER_00
Jeff.
3
SPEAKER_03
Brill?
3
SPEAKER_02
Yes, Steve Brill has directed a lot of Happy Madison movies.
3
SPEAKER_02
So you did Happy Gilmore and Hubie Halloween for Happy Madison.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, and Happy Gilmore.
3
SPEAKER_03
Do you get asked about that?
3
SPEAKER_03
You must get recognized a lot for that.
3
SPEAKER_00
from Happy Gilmore.
3
SPEAKER_00
Most people were like, oh, I didn t realize that was you because I look like I was 50 in that movie.
3
SPEAKER_03
You had a spade haircut for sure.
3
SPEAKER_00
It was like a princess dye, like frosted and like sprayed into place.
3
SPEAKER_00
We were in Canada with lovely crew, but like, I ve got sad white trash hair that wants to like run back to the trailer.
3
SPEAKER_03
I think it looks pretty cool.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, it looks good.
3
SPEAKER_00
Every afternoon, like, so they just, they wanted to be, you know, I was, nobody knew who I was, and that was fine.
3
SPEAKER_00
They wanted to get my hair done in the morning, they d never have to touch it again.
3
SPEAKER_00
So it was like this orb, like I could turn my head and it would come after me, you know, like.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it was, it was, it was like a helmet.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I thought, oh, it s bad, but no one s gonna see this movie, it s okay.
3
SPEAKER_03
Let s be honest.
3
SPEAKER_00
No, I thought no one was gonna see the movie.
3
SPEAKER_00
I thought it d be like, we re like a Billy Madison, which was really, really fun.
3
SPEAKER_00
And like a lot of people saw it, but it wasn t like a humongous thing.
3
SPEAKER_02
Well, it was like, it grew.
3
SPEAKER_02
But it started building, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
That s when it was building.
3
SPEAKER_02
Did anyone refer to it as a turkey during filming?
3
SPEAKER_00
That sounds very specific and personal, Dana.
3
SPEAKER_02
I just feel old guys here, this turkey ain t gonna fly.
3
SPEAKER_02
I just heard it as a figure of speech from old teamsters.
3
SPEAKER_03
Look kid, you re in a turkey.
3
SPEAKER_00
You re in a turkey.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s alright.
3
SPEAKER_03
I was the thing I lost and found when the camera guy goes, hey, get him next time.
3
SPEAKER_03
I go, what does that mean?
3
SPEAKER_03
The whole movie s not even done yet?
3
SPEAKER_03
Nah, come on.
3
SPEAKER_03
Well, you know, we re all gonna learn from this one.
3
SPEAKER_03
I m gonna tell you everything.
3
SPEAKER_03
That feels like negative.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, because they know, they re like in the side not laughing.
3
SPEAKER_00
They re not laughing.
3
SPEAKER_02
The worst part of movies, you do the first rehearsal at 8 a.m., you get all the chuckles.
3
SPEAKER_02
By the time it s on your shot, 12 hours later, it s like Dresden in there, okay?
3
SPEAKER_00
But I mean, then why don t you direct, do you direct your own stuff?
3
SPEAKER_02
Now I do.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
I can t do anything with someone.
3
SPEAKER_00
And like keep it in two shots.
3
SPEAKER_00
Cause who wants a closeup?
3
SPEAKER_02
I like two shots.
3
SPEAKER_02
Well, that s why everyone loves dailies back in the day.
3
SPEAKER_02
Cause you could see the wide shot.
3
SPEAKER_02
This is so funny.
3
SPEAKER_02
Then it s cut into a million pieces.
3
SPEAKER_02
It doesn t go from funny to less funny.
3
SPEAKER_02
It goes to not funny.
3
SPEAKER_00
I couldn t agree more.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m in total control of my career.
3
SPEAKER_02
Look at this.
3
SPEAKER_02
I say whatever I want.
3
SPEAKER_00
Right.
3
SPEAKER_00
No, obviously you you re the master of your own domain.
3
SPEAKER_00
I can see that you have an empire.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, kind of.
3
SPEAKER_00
Two shots.
3
SPEAKER_02
Antonio s Deli Productions have a production company with my sons and yours is called Bowen & Sons.
3
SPEAKER_02
Is that to do with your sons?
3
SPEAKER_00
No, I just always thought it was funny.
3
SPEAKER_03
It s like a store in a small town.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, like Bowen and Sons.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_00
No, it s funny.
3
SPEAKER_02
It s like a big corporate... We re dying laughing.
3
SPEAKER_02
This is the best podcast I ve ever been a part of.
3
SPEAKER_02
It s like a pinball machine.
3
SPEAKER_02
I love it.
3
SPEAKER_02
We re just going all over.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, that s me.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m really sorry.
3
SPEAKER_00
If you guys had like a direction you need to go, I can be quiet.
3
SPEAKER_02
No, be in the moment.
3
SPEAKER_02
No.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay, because I can really, I can do, I can be quiet and like answer questions if you want.
3
SPEAKER_00
No, no, this is new.
3
SPEAKER_02
We ve done a lot of these.
3
SPEAKER_02
You re in your own flavor, your own lane, you re stuffed with David.
3
SPEAKER_02
I guess we should have enough on that.
3
SPEAKER_02
Who s your favorite interview been so far?
3
SPEAKER_02
Favorite interview so far?
3
SPEAKER_02
Don t ask us that shit.
3
SPEAKER_02
You know what?
3
SPEAKER_02
I guess it relates to you only because it was very different and it was like our second one or first one.
3
SPEAKER_03
Who was it, Tina?
3
SPEAKER_02
Ed O Neill.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh, Ed O Neill.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh my God, you had Ed.
3
SPEAKER_00
We had Ed O Neill as our first one.
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh, he was our first one.
3
SPEAKER_00
Are you fucking kidding me?
3
SPEAKER_03
Very first.
3
SPEAKER_00
Was he like, looking at his watch?
3
SPEAKER_03
No, listen, he calls, we all have the same manager, me and him.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Gervin.
3
SPEAKER_03
Gervin and Ed s.
3
SPEAKER_03
So he would call and go, hey, Ed saw you on this, he wanted me to tell you, he thought this was funny.
3
SPEAKER_03
Ed, he would do that now and then, which is a very cool thing.
3
SPEAKER_03
I like to do it,
3
SPEAKER_03
he s older school, I do it on someone s Instagram, I will DM say, hey, I just saw you on this thing, you re funny, or hey, I just saw this thing.
3
SPEAKER_03
And so I like getting those feedback from people.
3
SPEAKER_03
And then when he did it, and then we said, we re doing the show, he told me, yeah, I ll come on right away.
3
SPEAKER_03
We hadn t even started, he goes, yeah, I ll do it.
3
SPEAKER_03
And so he likes comedy, he likes Dana.
3
SPEAKER_03
And so we, he was super cool.
3
SPEAKER_03
And right away, our first one, it was kind of about SNL, you know, it s like general.
3
SPEAKER_02
Like for five minutes.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
And we go, you host SNL?
3
SPEAKER_03
He goes, yeah, I didn t really like it.
3
SPEAKER_03
And then it was silent.
3
SPEAKER_03
And then we go, what else is going on?
3
SPEAKER_03
And he had the most interesting story.
3
SPEAKER_02
I had heard things about him anecdotally and also met him and this and that.
3
SPEAKER_02
And it was our first one.
3
SPEAKER_02
So I didn t know we had to emphasize this and all that much.
3
SPEAKER_02
For 45 minutes, I got fascinated by his childhood.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
He told a story.
3
SPEAKER_02
Youngstown, Ohio.
3
SPEAKER_02
The martial arts guy, the tough guy with no ego about it, because you know, sometimes I stop, I whisper in the bar, I get real soft, you know, and you could see he s making a fist and the guys, the bullies are leaning in, and he goes, then I drop the hammer.
3
SPEAKER_02
So I was so fascinated by a Hollywood actor who first doesn t give a fuck.
3
SPEAKER_02
Fuck about Hollywood.
3
SPEAKER_02
None.
3
SPEAKER_02
Or at all.
3
SPEAKER_02
None.
3
SPEAKER_02
Fame.
3
SPEAKER_02
Zero.
3
SPEAKER_02
And was almost a made guy in New York.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
A real football player.
3
SPEAKER_02
Like a legitimate badass guy who s so alpha male he doesn t wear it.
3
SPEAKER_00
And started in the theater.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like actually has this heavy training and everything.
3
SPEAKER_02
Great actor.
3
SPEAKER_02
So he was one of our favorites.
3
SPEAKER_02
Maybe it s because he s our first.
3
SPEAKER_03
Well he s also super cool, he knew we were new at it, but it s just a bullshit session so there was really no super wrong way to do it.
3
SPEAKER_03
And he had so many good story after story that we got entranced by that stuff and then it was a fun one.
3
SPEAKER_00
What was he like for you?
3
SPEAKER_03
He s the best.
3
SPEAKER_00
He s the best.
3
SPEAKER_00
I mean you don t fuck with Ed.
3
SPEAKER_02
Right.
3
SPEAKER_02
But he s just mostly just a charmer.
3
SPEAKER_00
He s fantastic.
3
SPEAKER_00
We would joke that he has a book, we would all refer to it at O Neill, Chapter Nine, because he d be like, why sit?
3
SPEAKER_00
No, why stand when you can sit?
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh, in a scene?
3
SPEAKER_00
Why sit when you can lie down?
3
SPEAKER_00
Why come to work when you can be at home?
3
SPEAKER_00
The minute he got there, he d look at his watch and go,
3
SPEAKER_00
When are we rapping?
3
SPEAKER_00
We do a rehearsal and he d go, I think we got it.
3
SPEAKER_00
We have not rolled cameras.
3
SPEAKER_00
One foot out the door.
3
SPEAKER_00
Well, and one day he did leave, drove away.
3
SPEAKER_00
They re like, we re not done.
3
SPEAKER_00
He had no idea.
3
SPEAKER_00
He just, he works really fast.
3
SPEAKER_00
He s very smart and he doesn t waste any time.
3
SPEAKER_00
And he also is like, never
4
SPEAKER_02
start the day in a sweater, you ll regret it.
4
SPEAKER_02
He has all these like bits of wisdom.
4
SPEAKER_02
Because one day we were shooting this outdoor, like the family s playing touch football.
4
SPEAKER_02
We started shooting at, you know, 7am.
4
SPEAKER_02
And it s cold.
4
SPEAKER_02
So we re like, oh, can I get a sweater?
4
SPEAKER_02
And then it s two in the afternoon.
4
SPEAKER_02
And he s like, just crosses his arms and goes,
4
SPEAKER_00
Never start in a sweater.
4
SPEAKER_00
Because you have to match for people.
4
SPEAKER_02
Chapter 8, Ed O Neill.
4
SPEAKER_02
He has so much wisdom.
4
SPEAKER_00
Did you direct him ever?
4
SPEAKER_02
Yes, I did have to direct him.
4
SPEAKER_02
Is it hard directing everybody?
4
SPEAKER_02
No, you just make sure the cameras are in the right place and walk away.
4
SPEAKER_00
When you get him in, you go, okay, he s coming, so let s be ready.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, let s be really ready because you re not even going to get a whole take.
4
SPEAKER_02
He d be like, I think we got it.
4
SPEAKER_02
He d be like, we haven t rolled yet.
4
SPEAKER_02
So yeah, that was terrifying, but he s wonderful.
4
SPEAKER_01
Well, that s from experience, that when you got a neurotic director and you re wearing everybody out, wearing the crew out, wearing the actors out.
4
SPEAKER_02
Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
4
SPEAKER_02
Who s neurotic in this story?
4
SPEAKER_01
Is this me?
4
SPEAKER_02
No, not you.
4
SPEAKER_01
Not you.
4
SPEAKER_01
You re prepared.
4
SPEAKER_01
I could tell you, Julie, would be prepared.
4
SPEAKER_01
I had a director once, so you re just gonna drop bullets, and it s a closeup.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m gonna say an hour.
4
SPEAKER_02
On dropping bullets?
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, could we reset just a little, okay, a little frame different and just like that.
4
SPEAKER_02
Were you even in the shot or just your hand?
4
SPEAKER_01
No, but I was watching and realized, okay, this guy is in a sandbox.
4
SPEAKER_01
And right now he s dropping bullets and he doesn t want to go in and have dinner.
4
SPEAKER_01
He does not want it to be over.
4
SPEAKER_01
So that kind of director just exhausts the shit out of everyone.
4
SPEAKER_01
But if you have it O Neal, like you re smart.
4
SPEAKER_01
You went over and said, Ed, what are you going to do here?
4
SPEAKER_01
We ll be on you like this.
4
SPEAKER_01
That s it.
4
SPEAKER_02
And it s more about the people around him.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I mean, Ed is, and if you tell him where you re starting and where you re finishing, he knows where to go.
4
SPEAKER_02
And the man is so,
4
SPEAKER_02
savvy and he was so great with the kids because they were, you know, they started, they were 11 and he would be like, you know, bring them aside and tell them this is, you know, you don t want to cross in the middle of a scene because then they got to film you twice.
4
SPEAKER_02
Like things like that.
4
SPEAKER_01
All the old school tricks.
4
SPEAKER_02
All the old school, like.
4
SPEAKER_02
find a comfortable place and to the, not in the middle, but to the left or the right of the scene.
4
SPEAKER_02
So, you know, you don t have to be in every single shot.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, in the background when they re shooting close-ups.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
He knows all the tricks.
4
SPEAKER_02
Cross off, say your line and cross off.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then you ll never have to do this.
4
SPEAKER_00
So he s about conserving energy.
4
SPEAKER_02
He is, you know what?
4
SPEAKER_02
A little goes a long way with him and he knows it.
4
SPEAKER_02
He s fantastic.
4
SPEAKER_00
By the way, all those tricks and it still works.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s not like people are like, oh, now it s bad.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s like, no, it s still good.
4
SPEAKER_00
You just cut the horse shit out.
4
SPEAKER_00
Cause there s a lot of fluff and bullshit when they do overtakes.
4
SPEAKER_00
I remember we were doing so many takes.
4
SPEAKER_00
on Dickie Roberts.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, a couple of people remember in the back?
4
SPEAKER_02
Knocking foots.
4
SPEAKER_00
Dickie Roberts, a comedy starring David Spade from 1997.
4
SPEAKER_00
The very last day we have.
4
SPEAKER_02
Brick, wall, waterfall.
4
SPEAKER_02
Dickie thinks he s got it all, but I don t.
4
SPEAKER_02
But you don t, but I do.
4
SPEAKER_00
But I do.
4
SPEAKER_00
So boom.
4
SPEAKER_02
Boom with the attitude.
4
SPEAKER_00
Peace, punch, Captain Crunch.
4
SPEAKER_00
I got something you can t touch.
4
SPEAKER_02
Which is really problematic, that line.
4
SPEAKER_02
And like a 10-year-old girl s going, peas, punch, Cap n Crunch, I got something you can t touch.
4
SPEAKER_02
And they cut back to David going, and you re like.
4
SPEAKER_00
She s telling me I can t.
4
SPEAKER_02
That you can t touch her.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, that s the right thing to say.
4
SPEAKER_02
Well, it s still kind of fucked up.
4
SPEAKER_02
It s a song.
4
SPEAKER_02
It s a little fucked up.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then she goes, bang, bang, points down there, choo-choo train, wind me up, I do my thing.
4
SPEAKER_01
What s, where does this go, fudge, lemonade?
4
SPEAKER_01
No, that s a dirty song.
4
SPEAKER_02
Well, that s what David I mean Dane is a dirty man.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh my god.
4
SPEAKER_01
My mind is in the gutter No, he s he has sexual thoughts all the time and no one wants to know what I m thinking Dana keeps me in check cuz I get a little r-rated on the thing
4
SPEAKER_02
You get a little R rating, but you guys, you have editing power.
4
SPEAKER_01
Well, we don t take that.
4
SPEAKER_01
Right, we don t like to edit much, you know.
4
SPEAKER_01
But yeah, sometimes David will go, got a little pusher, and I m like.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, maybe not that.
4
SPEAKER_00
No, I think we said once that homeless people sometimes have really good hair and huge dicks and it s not fair.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then.
4
SPEAKER_02
But so does a lot of people, just like in general.
4
SPEAKER_02
It s all not fair, I don t like any of it.
4
SPEAKER_02
No, but a lot of people with good hair and a big dick pisses you off.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yes, there we go.
4
SPEAKER_02
And you don t care if they re living under an underpass.
4
SPEAKER_00
Or in Truesdale.
4
SPEAKER_02
Or in Truesdale.
4
SPEAKER_00
Still envious.
4
SPEAKER_01
Even though they live in a cardboard box, infuriated, mad.
4
SPEAKER_01
They have the two metrics that he really wants most.
4
SPEAKER_01
Giant hair and a huge appendage.
4
SPEAKER_00
And a giant dick, yes.
4
SPEAKER_01
Well, we re working on it.
4
SPEAKER_01
We re working on it.
4
SPEAKER_01
Running out of time, but working on it.
4
SPEAKER_01
We re running out of time.
4
SPEAKER_01
I ve never said running out of time in life, but I ll get there.
4
SPEAKER_01
Anyway, we re really our guest today.
4
SPEAKER_01
We re gonna start now.
4
SPEAKER_02
Okay, now you guys can ask me questions or whatever it is that you do.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yes, be normal.
4
SPEAKER_01
Should we just do one SNL segment?
4
SPEAKER_00
No, no.
4
SPEAKER_00
Let me tell you my finishing story.
4
SPEAKER_00
And Dickie Roberts, we re done.
4
SPEAKER_00
Dickie Roberts, out now.
4
SPEAKER_00
You can take it if you want.
4
SPEAKER_02
I just don t understand it.
4
SPEAKER_02
That was a gift I got.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s a little creepy.
4
SPEAKER_00
I don t know if it s a lunch pail or what.
4
SPEAKER_02
It s just a little bit like something you made in leather tooling class at Tandy.
4
SPEAKER_00
There s condoms in there.
4
SPEAKER_00
This is a, I was given, people can t see this, but it says fly on the wall, it s a leather something, and I was given it backstage at a show.
4
SPEAKER_00
It says fly on the wall.
4
SPEAKER_02
It s very sweet.
4
SPEAKER_02
I have to put it back where it belongs.
4
SPEAKER_02
Okay, sorry, go ahead.
4
SPEAKER_00
Okay, so at the end of the movie, like you were saying, we had...
4
SPEAKER_00
Sam Weissman was the director, and he was great.
4
SPEAKER_00
The whole time was great.
4
SPEAKER_00
We moved quickly.
4
SPEAKER_02
That s always a good- I m sorry, does Dana always, like an old lady at a matinee, unwrapping her Werthers?
4
SPEAKER_01
No, this is, yeah, I hate people who do this in a movie theater.
4
SPEAKER_01
Drama.
4
SPEAKER_01
Stupid.
4
SPEAKER_01
Just fucking eat it again.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, so anyway, go ahead, David.
4
SPEAKER_00
Thank God Dana takes the heat.
4
SPEAKER_00
He s eating a protein bar.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s just, over there, you hear like.
4
SPEAKER_01
David got me into protein bars.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m not even hypoglycemic, but I m like, I guess I better have a bite of one.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m going to wait till the story s over.
4
SPEAKER_01
This is the Dickie Roberts Lifetime Achievement Story Award, starring David Spade.
4
SPEAKER_00
We all know that when you move quickly in a movie, like if Julie s a director, she s got like this, you know, I know how she is and she s
4
SPEAKER_00
smart, thinking ahead, and she will keep that set moving.
4
SPEAKER_00
That keeps morale up.
4
SPEAKER_00
Now, on this movie, everything was going pretty good, but at the last day, we were wrapping, we said we re gonna wrap around five early, because we only had a couple things to do.
4
SPEAKER_00
So we planned a party, and then we said, oh, and then everyone will stay and we ll have catering and all that shit.
4
SPEAKER_00
We wrapped at 12.30 at night.
4
SPEAKER_02
At night, at night, like at AM.
4
SPEAKER_00
And we missed the party and I think, bless his heart, the director had rapophobia.
4
SPEAKER_00
And that s what Dana was talking about.
4
SPEAKER_00
They don t want to go home.
4
SPEAKER_00
They don t want it to be over.
4
SPEAKER_00
And they keep shooting.
4
SPEAKER_00
They re playing.
4
SPEAKER_00
And making up things to shoot, basically.
4
SPEAKER_02
But don t you, they also, they have overlords and people at studios being like, you didn t get this, you didn t cover it.
4
SPEAKER_00
No, I know that for sure.
4
SPEAKER_02
And they start to doubt themselves and they re like, they know they have it, but they re like, uh, I might have to shoot it, like.
4
SPEAKER_02
you know, a three-quarter.
4
SPEAKER_00
Sure, you have a POV from the squirrel shooting up, and they re like, oh, we didn t get that.
4
SPEAKER_00
And they re like, what the fuck are you doing out there?
4
SPEAKER_01
It is a methodology of some companies.
4
SPEAKER_01
Just cover the shit out of it, and we ll make the movie in post.
4
SPEAKER_01
Exactly.
4
SPEAKER_00
Make it in editing.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s an old thing they do.
4
SPEAKER_00
And even on Sandler movies, like, if he s not there, because usually he sort of masterminds the whole thing.
4
SPEAKER_00
And if I m on a movie and he s producing it, then they want to know, they re second-guessing, what will he be looking for?
4
SPEAKER_02
Exactly.
4
SPEAKER_00
But you re in them with him, so it s fun when you re in with him.
4
SPEAKER_00
When it s not, you have to do a little extra coverage.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I don t know.
4
SPEAKER_02
I ve been with him.
4
SPEAKER_00
I ve been blessed to be in the good ones where Adam s in them.
4
SPEAKER_01
Every movie I do with Adam, I just did two cameos.
4
SPEAKER_01
They both were not his biggest box office.
4
SPEAKER_01
What were they?
4
SPEAKER_01
Jack and Jill and Little Nicky.
4
SPEAKER_01
All very funny.
4
SPEAKER_02
Little Nicky is a big cult hit, though.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
4
SPEAKER_01
That one is people love.
4
SPEAKER_01
I mean, Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore are huge now with young kids.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
Again.
4
SPEAKER_01
Because those 90s comedies, early knots comedies, they were just funny and light.
4
SPEAKER_01
What s a knot?
4
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
4
SPEAKER_01
How do you, what s, what s 2000 to 2009?
4
SPEAKER_01
Is that the knots?
4
SPEAKER_01
That s the aughts.
4
SPEAKER_01
Aughts?
4
SPEAKER_01
The aughts.
4
SPEAKER_01
I ve been saying that for two years.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s like, it s what you didn t want to do in the arts.
4
SPEAKER_01
That s a not.
4
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_01
We talked about this the other day.
4
SPEAKER_01
What s 2010 to 2019?
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, I don t have any idea.
4
SPEAKER_00
That s the teens?
4
SPEAKER_01
The naughty teens?
4
SPEAKER_01
The naughty teens.
4
SPEAKER_00
Are you a naughty teen?
4
SPEAKER_01
And what are we into now?
4
SPEAKER_00
The 20s.
4
SPEAKER_01
We re in the roaring 20s.
4
SPEAKER_01
We re up to like the 20s.
4
SPEAKER_01
We re in the roaring 20s after a pandemic.
4
SPEAKER_00
Now, finally roaring 20s.
4
SPEAKER_00
Just like a hundred years ago.
4
SPEAKER_00
What was your strong turn on ER?
4
SPEAKER_02
I played a woman named Roxanne.
4
SPEAKER_00
And what do you do?
4
SPEAKER_02
I don t, I made out with, I was somebody s, I was a, I can t remember what my role, what my character was, she had insurance or something, and I ended up with Noah Wiley.
4
SPEAKER_00
Strong turn.
4
SPEAKER_00
Strong turn.
4
SPEAKER_00
Who did you give a BJ to in Horrible Bosses?
4
SPEAKER_00
Just look at my notes.
4
SPEAKER_00
Jason Bateman.
4
SPEAKER_02
Was it?
4
SPEAKER_00
Close.
4
SPEAKER_00
No, I m guessing.
4
SPEAKER_00
Sudeikis.
4
SPEAKER_02
It was Sudeikis, but you never see it.
4
SPEAKER_02
You just hear the improv where I say, your balls are so smooth.
4
SPEAKER_00
And who was your husband?
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh, Kevin Spacey.
5
SPEAKER_00
Did you leave the window open?
5
SPEAKER_00
Kevin Spacey.
5
SPEAKER_02
Kevin Spacey, this was, he was at the top of his game.
5
SPEAKER_02
We did not, there were no scandal.
5
SPEAKER_01
One of the biggest stars at the time probably, he was huge.
5
SPEAKER_02
This was even pre-House of Cards.
5
SPEAKER_01
He still had some life in him.
5
SPEAKER_01
No, you re still, it says you re fluent in Neutrogena.
5
SPEAKER_01
I m reading this wrong.
5
SPEAKER_02
No, I m not.
5
SPEAKER_01
You were a spokesman for Neutrogena.
5
SPEAKER_01
I was, twice.
5
SPEAKER_02
I was a spokesman for Neutrogena twice when I was a younger person and then they got me to be as an old person.
5
SPEAKER_02
And then they didn t renew my contract because they said they needed someone who looked more mature, Nicole Kidman.
5
SPEAKER_00
Do you know that s a word that makes you sound drunk?
5
SPEAKER_00
What are the two words that make you sound drunk?
5
SPEAKER_00
Say judicial.
5
SPEAKER_00
I went to judicial and I got some Neutrogena.
5
SPEAKER_00
You re right.
5
SPEAKER_00
Those two words, you re stone sober, you will sound drunk.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, that s a world juror.
5
SPEAKER_00
Neutrogena and judicial system.
5
SPEAKER_01
I remember seeing Julie on the back of a magazine in a Neutrogena picture.
5
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, and then you were finally like, okay, I guess she s worthy of this Spade Hall of Fame.
5
SPEAKER_01
It was already rolling by then.
5
SPEAKER_02
I think it had already rolled.
5
SPEAKER_01
Now she was on Ed and then you went to Boston Legal.
5
SPEAKER_01
and then you did.
5
SPEAKER_01
Do we just do IMDb?
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m reading.
5
SPEAKER_00
Did you go with James Spader, William Shatner?
5
SPEAKER_00
Was that on that team?
5
SPEAKER_02
That was James Spader, William Shatner and Candice Bergen.
5
SPEAKER_02
That s who I was in most.
5
SPEAKER_02
Candy.
5
SPEAKER_02
Back to SNL.
5
SPEAKER_00
She was on SNL.
5
SPEAKER_02
She s a five-timer, isn t she?
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
I had an Asian character named Ching Chang and she was in those sketches.
5
SPEAKER_02
I m like, I need to leave now.
5
SPEAKER_00
It was 1986, I would never do it again, I swear.
5
SPEAKER_00
But it was a character done very lovingly and sweetly, but she was part of that sketch.
5
SPEAKER_01
I was horrified in the audience, I ll tell you that much.
5
SPEAKER_02
Do you worry about that, like, someone s gonna cancel you because what you did in 86?
5
SPEAKER_00
Because I know where it came from, I know the intent in my heart, intentions matter.
5
SPEAKER_00
So I got it.
5
SPEAKER_00
It was based on someone I knew.
5
SPEAKER_00
Who had a pet chicken or appeared to have a pet chicken on a leash in his front yard.
5
SPEAKER_02
Which is very sweet.
5
SPEAKER_02
I just, yeah, it s crappy now that you have to worry about that.
5
SPEAKER_02
Like I think about it all the time.
5
SPEAKER_02
Like, am I going to say something that I think is funny?
5
SPEAKER_02
And then, you know.
5
SPEAKER_00
Well, they tried to ding Ben Stiller, who s brilliant, about Tropic Thunder.
5
SPEAKER_00
And it just says they don t have time for
5
SPEAKER_02
But Tropic Thunder was like ahead of its time.
5
SPEAKER_00
Well, it s satirizing narcissistic actors who will do anything to get an Academy Award.
5
SPEAKER_00
It has nothing to do with anything else.
5
SPEAKER_00
So he just didn t apologize.
5
SPEAKER_02
Oh, was that for, oh, it was for Simple Jack.
5
SPEAKER_00
No.
5
SPEAKER_00
And also Robert Downey Jr.
5
SPEAKER_00
And also Robert Downey Jr.
5
SPEAKER_00
An Australian actor who was so narcissistic and so desperate that he does blackface essentially.
5
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_02
And it was, but I thought that was smart.
5
SPEAKER_00
Simple Jack was trouble too.
5
SPEAKER_02
Simple Jack,
5
SPEAKER_00
Well, that was making fun.
5
SPEAKER_00
I always say to my kids, if you see people play mentally deficient human beings, they always have short khaki pants and awkward haircuts and big ears.
5
SPEAKER_00
And so I saw that in two actors, I won t name them, who got the Academy Award for playing a character like that.
5
SPEAKER_00
So Ben was satirizing the cliche that if you re that type of person, you need to have really short khaki pants and a really short haircut and have your ears stick out.
5
SPEAKER_02
Right.
5
SPEAKER_02
And that and he was satirizing it.
5
SPEAKER_02
But sometimes the satire gets you cancer.
5
SPEAKER_00
Well, yeah, it s I m not against if you just look at the surface, you know, I there s cringy things all over, you know, movies and it s fine.
5
SPEAKER_00
I mean, I m open minded.
5
SPEAKER_00
I haven t watched Wayne s World recently.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m not sure what it would be like.
5
SPEAKER_00
We re good on that one because we didn t do any drugs.
5
SPEAKER_00
The only thing we did was we d see a girl and thrust her hips and say, shwing.
5
SPEAKER_00
Shwing, shwing, sorry, shwing.
5
SPEAKER_00
And so it s pretty, you know, sphincter says what, shwing.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s pretty benign.
5
SPEAKER_02
Cream of some young guy?
5
SPEAKER_02
Do you do cream of some young guy?
5
SPEAKER_00
Austin Powers, which is a brilliant trilogy, went harder at some of those things.
5
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
5
SPEAKER_00
I don t, God, that might ve been a Wayne s World.
5
SPEAKER_01
Did you say, I d like some gangbang chicken?
5
SPEAKER_01
Is that it?
5
SPEAKER_02
I don t, I just know that it made, all those movies made me laugh really hard.
5
SPEAKER_02
And I revisited, we just, I produced a movie for Disney Plus.
5
SPEAKER_02
It s the first Disney, the first TV 14 movie they ve done called Prompact.
5
SPEAKER_02
It just came out last week.
5
SPEAKER_02
And it has like red solo cups and people reference sex and there s gay characters and,
5
SPEAKER_02
It kind of fell between the Bob J. Peck going out and Bob Iyer coming back in.
5
SPEAKER_02
People were not really paying close attention, and I can t decide if Disney s going to love us and hire us again and again.
5
SPEAKER_02
Are they freaking out because they actually have characters saying,
5
SPEAKER_02
Some racy, racy things.
5
SPEAKER_01
So 14 means just 14 and up instead of just totally G or PG.
5
SPEAKER_01
Kids, exactly.
5
SPEAKER_02
It s not even PG.
5
SPEAKER_02
It s like, yeah, there s some content up in here.
5
SPEAKER_02
There s some content up in here.
5
SPEAKER_00
There s some content all up in here.
5
SPEAKER_02
You get some content up in here, but you get concerned that you re gonna get in trouble later on.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I ve been around so long and no one cares about me.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m uncancellable.
5
SPEAKER_00
I mean, I can t, no one would cancel me because they don t even know to look me up.
5
SPEAKER_02
I m too superstitious.
5
SPEAKER_02
I don t want you to get canceled.
5
SPEAKER_01
The Emperor s New Groove, we had to take out all the dry humping scenes.
5
SPEAKER_02
Oh no, and it was animated.
5
SPEAKER_02
But for that, for Prompact, we decided to address all the 80s problems.
5
SPEAKER_02
Because it s a reference, it s all like an homage to John Hughes, but then we have to talk about how problematic John Hughes was.
5
SPEAKER_02
So we watched all those movies again.
5
SPEAKER_02
Ferris Bueller?
5
SPEAKER_02
Ferris Bueller holds up well.
5
SPEAKER_00
That seems kind of like an iconic comic.
5
SPEAKER_00
Breakfast Club?
5
SPEAKER_02
Breakfast Club, mostly pretty well.
5
SPEAKER_00
But there s some edge.
5
SPEAKER_02
I mean, now that we go over to like Weird Science, oof.
5
SPEAKER_00
Weird Sciences.
5
SPEAKER_00
God, I love that.
5
SPEAKER_00
What is the main ding?
5
SPEAKER_00
What subject?
5
SPEAKER_02
I mean, the character in Prompact says it s an episode of SVU.
5
SPEAKER_02
It s like you create a woman and just to bang her, I think.
5
SPEAKER_00
Oh, yeah, weird science.
5
SPEAKER_00
I got you.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I got you.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_02
Revenge of the nerds.
5
SPEAKER_02
Very problematic.
5
SPEAKER_02
Sure.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
5
SPEAKER_01
There s some really... All those movies are like drill a hole through walls to watch girls naked.
5
SPEAKER_01
Poor Keese, that was poor.
5
SPEAKER_01
Couldn t even touch that.
5
SPEAKER_00
Make sure the girl s passed out before it sucks.
5
SPEAKER_00
Glory hole galore.
5
SPEAKER_00
Remember that one?
5
SPEAKER_00
Glory hole galore.
5
SPEAKER_02
That was actually a porn.
5
SPEAKER_02
That might have been a pointy one.
5
SPEAKER_00
I don t know where I saw it.
5
SPEAKER_00
I made that up.
5
SPEAKER_00
They re going, really?
5
SPEAKER_00
That s a movie?
5
SPEAKER_00
That s a movie that couldn t be made today for 20, Bob.
5
SPEAKER_00
Glory hole galore.
5
SPEAKER_01
There s a great glory hole on Peak.
5
SPEAKER_02
This is the kind of content that Dana s not comfortable with.
5
SPEAKER_01
We re having crickets today.
5
SPEAKER_01
I know, he s jumping in though.
5
SPEAKER_00
Today, today it s all, we re hanging it all out.
5
SPEAKER_00
This will be one episode.
5
SPEAKER_00
This one won t air.
5
SPEAKER_00
My wife will be driving and she ll be...
5
SPEAKER_00
What s the prom pact?
5
SPEAKER_02
What is the prom pact?
5
SPEAKER_02
What do you mean?
5
SPEAKER_02
What is it?
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, what s the actual pact?
5
SPEAKER_02
Oh, it s that the two best friends in the movie agree that they ve never done any... You re gonna have a gangbang?
5
SPEAKER_02
No, they ve never gone to any of the high school stuff.
5
SPEAKER_02
They re both like nerds and really serious.
5
SPEAKER_02
They ve never gone to prom.
5
SPEAKER_02
They re like, fine, we ll do it together.
5
SPEAKER_02
And then...
5
SPEAKER_02
lots of complications ensue.
5
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, don t give everything away.
5
SPEAKER_01
I m not gonna give it away.
5
SPEAKER_01
So it s two guys or two girls?
5
SPEAKER_01
Two girls.
5
SPEAKER_02
No, a girl and a guy.
5
SPEAKER_02
They re best friends.
5
SPEAKER_01
Oh, they re best friends.
5
SPEAKER_01
Are they gonna go together?
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, they re gonna go together.
5
SPEAKER_01
Now streaming or coming up?
5
SPEAKER_01
Now streaming.
5
SPEAKER_02
It ll be streaming on Disney Plus.
5
SPEAKER_02
You would actually like, I don t know what your taste is.
5
SPEAKER_02
You actually like it because it s kind of sweet and it s kind of cute.
5
SPEAKER_00
Sweet and cute?
5
SPEAKER_00
I don t mind.
5
SPEAKER_02
It s sweet and cute and there s some pervy things.
5
SPEAKER_00
I like 2001 Space Odyssey.
5
SPEAKER_00
And there s some pervy things.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I like the first alien.
5
SPEAKER_02
You like 2001 Space Odyssey?
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
Sober?
5
SPEAKER_00
I ve seen it 40 times.
5
SPEAKER_02
How many of those times were you unaltered?
5
SPEAKER_00
No, no, unaltered.
5
SPEAKER_00
I ve memorized.
5
SPEAKER_00
Out of Africa is my wife and I s touchstone movie.
5
SPEAKER_02
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
5
2001.
5
SPEAKER_02
Did you just say you have it memorized?
5
SPEAKER_00
Well, kind of.
5
SPEAKER_02
There s only like eight worlds.
5
SPEAKER_00
I know, that s why I said eight.
5
SPEAKER_02
I remember seeing it.
5
SPEAKER_00
Open the pod bay door, Hal.
5
SPEAKER_02
Open the pod bay door, Hal.
5
SPEAKER_02
I m sorry, I can t do that.
5
SPEAKER_00
There s not much... In high school when we would see it and I would say, open the bathroom door, how we would, they were stoned, my friends were stoned, the Volkswagen bug in 1969, and I would go, open the bathroom door, instead of, they would laugh for like an hour and a half, you know, because they were high.
5
SPEAKER_00
But, you know, it s a brilliant movie.
5
SPEAKER_02
I never understood, it is brilliant and way beyond me in a lot of ways.
5
SPEAKER_00
I feel like I missed... It s just, is there a better topic for a film than how we got here?
5
SPEAKER_00
And the idea we ve been seeded by aliens, basically, that infused primates with intelligence that become us.
5
SPEAKER_00
That s what it was about.
5
SPEAKER_00
I mean, the greatest mic drop in a movie is with the discovery that he can use the bone as a weapon, how he takes his time, and then that music,
6
SPEAKER_01
I mean, come on, come on, Julie, go with me.
6
SPEAKER_01
What s your favorite movie besides Wayne s World and Dickie Roberts?
6
SPEAKER_00
I mean, I love Dickie Roberts, of course.
6
SPEAKER_00
Here s a question.
6
SPEAKER_01
Movies you watch every couple of years.
6
SPEAKER_01
Movies that, like for me, The Godfather 1 and 2, I ll see every couple of years.
6
SPEAKER_00
That s a real dude.
6
SPEAKER_01
I know, what s yours?
6
SPEAKER_00
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
6
SPEAKER_00
Ooh, good one.
6
SPEAKER_00
Jim Carrey.
6
SPEAKER_01
That s a very heavy, cool, did Charlie Kaufman write that?
6
SPEAKER_00
Charlie Kaufman wrote it and Michelle Gondry, is that how you say his name?
6
SPEAKER_00
I m probably saying it wrong.
6
SPEAKER_00
That s his name.
6
SPEAKER_00
That s her name, yeah.
6
SPEAKER_00
That s her name.
6
SPEAKER_00
You re an asshole.
6
SPEAKER_00
Any Charlie Kaufman movie, I feel like you can watch again and again and again, because they re so layered.
6
SPEAKER_01
There s the one with Nicholas Cage.
6
SPEAKER_00
That was the one, not being John Malkovich, that was the adaptation.
6
SPEAKER_01
Adaptation was phenomenal.
6
SPEAKER_01
Charlie Kaufman wrote on the variety show I did, 96, with Louis C.K.
6
SPEAKER_01
He did?
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, Charlie Kaufman.
6
SPEAKER_00
Wait, what?
6
SPEAKER_00
What was that like?
6
SPEAKER_01
Uh, Charlie is, you know, he s brilliant.
6
SPEAKER_01
He s quiet.
6
SPEAKER_01
He s, you know, just, he was just around doing crazy stuff.
6
SPEAKER_00
But he would, like, write a, like a sketch that would be easily digestible to an American audience.
6
SPEAKER_00
Like, I can t see it.
6
SPEAKER_01
Well, the show was essentially, essentially canceled after 12 minutes of airing.
6
SPEAKER_01
The first sketch was offensive.
6
SPEAKER_01
We went from 16 million to 2 million as I was playing Clinton breastfeeding puppies.
6
SPEAKER_01
We did not have a commercial bone in our body.
6
SPEAKER_01
That was Disney bought ABC after we agreed to the deal and so we were at square
6
SPEAKER_01
Well, you went after Home Improvement, which was a very family show.
6
SPEAKER_01
We followed Spin City, Home Improvement.
6
SPEAKER_00
You followed Home Improvement?
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, which is a great show, but we were doing Acity, but they thought we were blue.
6
SPEAKER_01
We weren t blue at all.
6
SPEAKER_01
We were just abstract.
6
SPEAKER_00
Bill Clinton breastfeeding puppies?
6
SPEAKER_00
You re not joking.
6
SPEAKER_00
That was the cold opener.
6
SPEAKER_01
It was Louie s idea, not to blame Louie.
6
SPEAKER_01
We banked it a month before.
6
SPEAKER_00
Everyone wants to blame him.
6
SPEAKER_01
And it was like, he goes, Clint s like, and I believe in our country.
6
SPEAKER_01
I know we re in a crisis.
6
SPEAKER_01
And he goes, and that s why I have.
6
SPEAKER_01
And then I m just opening, buttoning the jacket.
6
SPEAKER_01
And you see these teats have been put on me.
6
SPEAKER_01
And then puppies are brought out.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I will feed these puppies like I feed a worried nation.
6
SPEAKER_01
You know, that kind of thing.
6
SPEAKER_01
Right after Spin City.
6
SPEAKER_01
What s going on?
6
SPEAKER_01
Laugh track.
6
SPEAKER_00
Oh my God, it makes me so happy to hear you do impersonations.
6
SPEAKER_00
I know.
6
SPEAKER_01
I ll do any one you want.
6
SPEAKER_00
Really?
6
SPEAKER_00
But you do so many, like just right there, you just did Bill Clinton and Michael J. Fox, but like barely, just like whiffing past them so perfectly.
6
SPEAKER_02
No, he can do...
6
SPEAKER_02
Trump with the Miranda rights.
6
SPEAKER_01
I do Trump.
6
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
6
SPEAKER_01
This will be after you can cut this out.
6
SPEAKER_01
When Trump got arrested, put it that way.
6
SPEAKER_01
You know, you could put the cuffs on me, but you don t have to read me the rights because I wrote the rights.
6
SPEAKER_01
I wrote the rights.
6
SPEAKER_01
I could write a lot of things.
6
SPEAKER_01
I wrote it with a lovely lady named Miranda.
6
SPEAKER_01
I told her the other right to remain silent.
6
SPEAKER_01
She put her down and we re going to do it.
6
SPEAKER_01
Some people said no, but we re doing it anyway.
6
SPEAKER_00
We wrote the whole thing.
6
SPEAKER_01
So that s just a poem, basically, for me.
6
SPEAKER_01
Do you want to hear my Fauci poem?
6
SPEAKER_00
Yes!
6
SPEAKER_01
It s a poem that maybe wouldn t work anymore.
6
SPEAKER_01
To me, they re all Fauci poems.
6
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
6
SPEAKER_01
I know I told you when you had the COVID shot, you d be dancing in the streets, okay?
6
SPEAKER_01
I missed it by that much, all right?
6
SPEAKER_01
Now you have two COVID shots, three boosters, you re getting and giving COVID to another guy who s got two boosters and three shots.
6
SPEAKER_01
That s why I m introducing the daily COVID shot.
6
SPEAKER_01
Every day you go to your healthcare provider, you get your shot.
6
SPEAKER_01
By the time you get to your car, you got no immunity, but it s a beautiful 39 seconds.
6
SPEAKER_01
I m Tony Fauci, and from the bottom of my all new leather Fauci s, go fuck yourself.
6
SPEAKER_01
I had to get the end.
6
SPEAKER_01
That s cathartic.
6
SPEAKER_01
I m sorry if I ve done that before on the podcast, not many times.
6
SPEAKER_00
Would you ever go back on SNL and do characters?
6
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, of course I would.
6
SPEAKER_01
Come on, let s get real.
6
SPEAKER_01
My father lost his job, no joke.
6
SPEAKER_01
I came around here because David Spade is the funniest guy, funniest guy I ve ever seen.
6
SPEAKER_01
It s the people, the pirates, the pirates, the caravan.
6
SPEAKER_01
Sorry.
6
SPEAKER_01
I would.
6
SPEAKER_01
I like doing it on the podcast because there s no rehearsal, no script, no one s yelling at me.
6
SPEAKER_01
David s not trying to control me.
6
SPEAKER_01
Right.
6
SPEAKER_02
Because on SNL, they don t, you know, they don t make as much fun as Biden as would maybe.
6
SPEAKER_02
As you would like to.
6
SPEAKER_02
Well, it s just split it down the middle.
6
SPEAKER_02
Just keep it fun.
6
SPEAKER_02
Make fun of both sides.
6
SPEAKER_00
They just had that guy, James Austin Johnson, he s just so good.
6
SPEAKER_00
His cold opened this last week.
6
SPEAKER_00
It s unbelievable.
6
SPEAKER_00
He was doing singing.
6
SPEAKER_01
He is amazing.
6
SPEAKER_00
He s so good at it that it kind of doesn t matter.
6
SPEAKER_01
It s too good.
6
SPEAKER_01
But yeah, I don t, my style is like, I don t want to teach or be taught.
6
SPEAKER_01
So I m not going to try to overtly sneak in a political statement.
6
SPEAKER_01
I don t like preaching to a choir and getting you.
6
SPEAKER_01
So I m trying to find what is fucking funny about these people.
6
SPEAKER_01
Both these two guys are really funny, rhythmically, personality wise.
6
SPEAKER_01
At first, when Biden came out, it was just like grandpa of the country.
6
SPEAKER_01
Trump made everyone crazy.
6
SPEAKER_01
It s like, yeah, come on folks.
6
SPEAKER_01
He was very gentle.
6
SPEAKER_01
And then he started yelling and I was like, what a great hook.
6
SPEAKER_01
You know, he whispers.
6
SPEAKER_01
Guess what?
6
SPEAKER_01
The rich don t pay their fair share.
6
SPEAKER_01
They gotta pay their fair share!
6
SPEAKER_01
It s a fair share!
6
SPEAKER_01
And it goes up in the screens.
6
SPEAKER_01
Like the grumpy old man, right?
6
SPEAKER_01
Basically, the ball went in his yard, it s mine now.
6
SPEAKER_00
Get off, get off my lawn.
6
SPEAKER_01
But to your point, I don t know what the point was.
6
SPEAKER_00
I just wonder, would you want to go on and do any, like, do you guys miss that?
6
SPEAKER_01
She was on the other foot.
6
SPEAKER_01
You were right about that.
6
SPEAKER_00
I don t know how not to ask questions.
6
SPEAKER_01
We like it when you ask questions.
6
SPEAKER_01
You re not pushy enough.
6
SPEAKER_01
The point is, yes, it s fun.
6
SPEAKER_01
I go back there and do a guest spot.
6
SPEAKER_01
That s really fun.
6
SPEAKER_01
They can easily bring Dane in to cover something.
6
SPEAKER_01
I love being on it.
6
SPEAKER_01
I love sketch comedy.
6
SPEAKER_01
I love watching the people doing it now.
6
SPEAKER_01
But if you re doing a small comedy club and riffing or podcasting, I get a lot of a fix off that too.
6
SPEAKER_02
It s not going through 100 channels and getting edited.
6
SPEAKER_02
Even though Mark Twain, we had a great time, but they took 90 minutes out of the show.
6
SPEAKER_02
They did?
6
SPEAKER_02
I got four jokes lost.
6
SPEAKER_02
I only did four and a half minutes.
6
SPEAKER_00
Do you want to do one of the lost jokes?
6
SPEAKER_00
Do you want to do one right now?
6
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, let s do it.
6
SPEAKER_02
What if they suck?
6
SPEAKER_02
I said, oh, in this woke age of PC and Comedy Police, I think Mark Twain would be the only one that would not win the Mark Twain Award.
6
SPEAKER_00
Of course that wasn t gonna make it.
6
SPEAKER_00
That was designed to be cut.
6
SPEAKER_00
You re like, here s a freebie.
6
SPEAKER_02
By the prompt, they held up scissors with their fingers.
6
SPEAKER_00
Nope.
6
SPEAKER_00
That is the most low-hanging fruit.
6
SPEAKER_00
You insulted Mark Twain.
6
SPEAKER_02
I said he had some iffy stuff.
6
SPEAKER_02
Here s a harmless one.
6
SPEAKER_02
I ve done a lot of movies with Sandler.
6
SPEAKER_02
Instead of listing them, just go to your unmarried uncle s house and look at his posters in his bedroom.
6
SPEAKER_02
That s my movies with Sandler.
6
SPEAKER_02
That s harmless little jabs.
6
SPEAKER_01
That s harmless.
6
SPEAKER_01
And it makes fun of me.
6
SPEAKER_01
Did the dentist thing make it?
6
SPEAKER_01
I don t think so.
6
SPEAKER_01
Oh, on the actual show?
6
SPEAKER_01
No.
6
SPEAKER_01
No, I don t think so.
6
SPEAKER_00
What was yours?
6
SPEAKER_01
Dennis Miller about Sandler getting the Twain, if I can remember it.
6
SPEAKER_01
All right, criminy.
6
SPEAKER_01
So the Sandman got the Mark Twain prize, all right?
6
SPEAKER_01
That s a pithy moniker.
6
SPEAKER_01
One of the great minds of the last millennia has a Cracker Jack motif, okay?
6
SPEAKER_01
Sandman makes 60 movies, gets a tiny whistle for his efforts.
6
SPEAKER_01
So that s just like a little... They were working on it.
6
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, we got a good Nancy.
6
SPEAKER_02
What did you say?
6
SPEAKER_00
Because Nancy Pelosi was in the front row.
6
SPEAKER_02
I ll have to unpack there.
6
SPEAKER_02
That s me channeling Dennis.
6
SPEAKER_00
Nancy Pelosi was in the front row?
6
SPEAKER_02
And Paul Pelosi, yeah.
6
SPEAKER_00
How was Paul?
6
SPEAKER_00
You look okay.
6
SPEAKER_01
Paul looked great.
6
SPEAKER_01
I did Pelosi to her.
6
SPEAKER_01
I said, I do you, it s very exaggerated.
6
SPEAKER_01
Republicans drive you crazy and you always look like you just sat on something cold and wet.
6
SPEAKER_01
And then I go.
6
SPEAKER_01
She was not smiling.
6
SPEAKER_00
Scissors by the teleprompter.
6
SPEAKER_00
Scissors.
6
SPEAKER_00
She s like.
6
SPEAKER_01
She goes, guess who s the exact, exact producer of this thing?
6
SPEAKER_01
The lights started flashing, people are evacuating.
6
SPEAKER_01
Attention, attention, attention, please remove, go to the closest, we had a blast.
6
SPEAKER_00
You re fearless at night.
6
SPEAKER_01
Or stupid.
6
SPEAKER_00
Well, but the, the, the, the, the.
6
SPEAKER_00
The dinner.
6
SPEAKER_00
D squad dinner here for spillover dinner for those who were not going to DC.
6
SPEAKER_00
Everyone got up and they, everybody gave their, did a loose, not a tight five, but like a loose seven and tribute.
6
SPEAKER_00
And there was some really dicey stuff and I m not going to name names, I m not going to call anybody out, but I was like, holy crap, these people have no fear.
6
SPEAKER_01
Right.
6
SPEAKER_01
Well, at the Kennedy Center, everyone was well-dressed.
6
SPEAKER_01
It was almost like a corporate audience.
6
SPEAKER_01
There was a little more gravitas about the situation.
6
SPEAKER_01
But there, that was like playing to your peers in the audience.
6
SPEAKER_01
Most of the comedians were in the audience.
6
SPEAKER_01
But yeah, fearless.
6
SPEAKER_00
To no Schneider.
6
SPEAKER_00
What?
6
SPEAKER_00
Come on, the point s in your water.
6
SPEAKER_01
He was there both.
6
SPEAKER_01
Adam was there, or sorry, yeah, Schneider was there.
6
SPEAKER_00
Schneider was there, and he performed in that?
6
SPEAKER_01
He did, and then he sang, yeah.
6
SPEAKER_00
Oh, amazing, okay.
6
SPEAKER_01
He can sing.
6
SPEAKER_01
He sang Grow Old With You.
7
SPEAKER_01
Grow Old With You?
7
SPEAKER_02
That was one of Sandler s songs.
7
SPEAKER_02
He s a great singer.
7
SPEAKER_02
On the road, when you go on the road with Adam, he goes up and sings Now or Never as Elvis.
7
SPEAKER_01
That s right.
7
SPEAKER_01
I ve seen him sing, that s right.
7
SPEAKER_02
And he fucking belts it.
7
SPEAKER_02
They go crazy.
7
SPEAKER_02
Because he can actually sing.
7
SPEAKER_02
And he was Elvis in Japan for six months, so he knows how to do it.
7
SPEAKER_01
Wait, for real?
7
SPEAKER_01
Or like as a joke?
7
SPEAKER_02
No, he went there when we started stand-up and he did.
7
SPEAKER_04
He tells a 10-minute story on this podcast about how he became Tiny Elvis in Japan.
7
SPEAKER_04
It was a big hit.
7
SPEAKER_01
You said 10 minutes like it was a bad thing.
7
SPEAKER_01
I feel like it was.
7
SPEAKER_04
No, it was great.
7
SPEAKER_04
I mean, because it was a lot of building blocks of how it came about and how he became Tiny Elvis in Tokyo.
7
SPEAKER_04
It wasn t Tiny Elvis.
7
SPEAKER_04
No, he was referred to.
7
SPEAKER_04
He said I was Tiny Elvis.
7
SPEAKER_04
When we got to SNL.
7
SPEAKER_02
He said he was Tiny.
7
SPEAKER_02
Well, I m Tiny.
7
SPEAKER_02
I don t know if you re confusing because we did SNL.
7
SPEAKER_04
Didn t he call himself Tiny Elvis?
7
SPEAKER_02
The first show of the season when we came back from summer.
7
SPEAKER_04
He did a sketch where he was Tiny Elvis.
7
SPEAKER_02
Nicolas Cage was the host and we did Tiny Elvis.
7
SPEAKER_04
That s where I got it from.
7
SPEAKER_02
That is me, I m Tiny Elvis.
7
SPEAKER_04
And was he keyed in on his shoulder or something?
7
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, Nicolas Cage was.
7
SPEAKER_02
Sorry Rob, that s where I got Tiny Elvis from.
7
SPEAKER_02
Was Tiny Elvis on the dashboard of a car?
7
SPEAKER_04
No sex, not like I m Tom Brady over here, you know?
7
SPEAKER_01
You guys really just free fly it.
7
SPEAKER_01
No.
7
SPEAKER_01
Free fly, okay, here we go.
7
SPEAKER_02
You re like, well, there s no there there.
7
SPEAKER_01
There s no there.
7
SPEAKER_01
I m like, do they head towards something?
7
SPEAKER_04
Fill in the blank with Julie Bowen.
7
SPEAKER_04
Oh yeah, here we go, this is a quiz.
7
SPEAKER_01
Okay, let s sing.
7
SPEAKER_04
Fill in the blank with Julie Bowen.
7
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, harmonize, David, harmonize.
7
SPEAKER_04
Fill in the blank, I m most crazy when.
7
SPEAKER_04
Fill in the blank.
7
SPEAKER_01
I m most crazy when, oh.
7
SPEAKER_04
That could be an answer.
7
SPEAKER_01
You get out there when you go to bed.
7
SPEAKER_04
Oh, it could be an answer.
7
SPEAKER_01
No, no, no.
7
SPEAKER_01
I m most crazy around my kids when they re jackasses.
7
SPEAKER_01
That s perfect.
7
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, okay.
7
SPEAKER_04
Have you ever gone on and checked somebody s celebrity net worth?
7
SPEAKER_04
Because I do it a lot.
7
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
7
SPEAKER_04
Have you checked your own net worth?
7
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
7
SPEAKER_01
Is it accurate?
7
SPEAKER_01
No, and that s how I know that the other ones aren t accurate.
7
SPEAKER_01
I was like, that is so inaccurate.
7
SPEAKER_02
Okay, you know that s I think what they do is they you re you re what you ve made They guess on everything you ve ever shot with no taxes and never spending money, right?
7
SPEAKER_01
And then you ve never spent a nickel of that money and that right you ve never put a kid through private notice like no divorce Yeah, gross cash turns into tissue paper in a fireplace And it s not a complaint.
7
SPEAKER_04
We re very privileged in the year
7
SPEAKER_02
When I read something negative about myself, my reaction is...
7
SPEAKER_01
Oh, panic.
7
SPEAKER_01
Panic and shame.
7
SPEAKER_01
Shame.
7
SPEAKER_01
Shame and panic.
7
SPEAKER_01
You don t say, fuck these people.
7
SPEAKER_01
No, no.
7
SPEAKER_01
I have a strict no reading about myself ever policy.
7
SPEAKER_04
I don t look at anything.
7
SPEAKER_04
I don t look at any picture.
7
SPEAKER_04
I don t read anything.
7
SPEAKER_01
It s too horrifying.
7
SPEAKER_01
Nothing.
7
SPEAKER_02
The smart is to believe the good, but don t believe the bad.
7
SPEAKER_01
No, but that you can t.
7
SPEAKER_01
If you believe the good, then you got to believe the bad.
7
SPEAKER_01
So you can t read the good.
7
SPEAKER_01
My mom used to always try and send me shit like that.
7
SPEAKER_01
She, you know, cut out of the paper or cut out of a magazine and go, but it s good.
7
SPEAKER_01
And I said, yeah, but I don t want the shit that s good.
7
SPEAKER_04
Cause then, then I have to believe in when they say that I m like, everyone sees this 10 examples of how Dana Carvey was never funny.
7
SPEAKER_04
You know,
7
SPEAKER_04
BuzzFeed!
7
SPEAKER_01
Thanks BuzzFeed!
7
SPEAKER_04
Concrete proof.
7
SPEAKER_01
My biggest indulgence is... Glasses.
7
SPEAKER_01
I m not wearing them right now, but I really, I ve spent an enormous- Oh, spending money.
7
SPEAKER_01
That s it?
7
SPEAKER_01
That s an adult, yeah.
7
SPEAKER_01
What about your ski trip?
7
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
7
SPEAKER_01
But that s for the kids.
7
SPEAKER_01
I ll spend money on my kids, sure.
7
SPEAKER_01
So you could say my kids, but that s boring.
7
SPEAKER_02
Can we switch the answer, judges?
7
SPEAKER_04
Last time, a little sort of Barbara Walters, last time I felt brave.
7
SPEAKER_01
Oh, wait, how come you don t ask these questions?
7
SPEAKER_02
Because he s the brains of the outfit.
7
SPEAKER_01
I m just here for looks.
7
SPEAKER_01
Last time I felt brains.
7
SPEAKER_01
And you also can say pass.
7
SPEAKER_02
It can be like a game show.
7
SPEAKER_01
No, wow.
7
SPEAKER_02
When you went down a fucking...
7
SPEAKER_01
I did go skiing with my kids and they were trying to make me do a lot of jumps and so physically brave I actually did one and it was terrifying and I was sure I was going to break 10 pieces.
7
SPEAKER_01
I m a good skier but
7
SPEAKER_04
I used to watch my kids go down a giant hill, laying on their stomach on a flexi.
7
SPEAKER_04
So it s little wheels and the helmets are kind of not really on.
7
SPEAKER_04
And my wife could look and I would always have to look away because of childhood trauma.
7
SPEAKER_01
No, you can t.
7
SPEAKER_04
But one time I did look and that was the bravest.
7
SPEAKER_01
Although my kids did say to me, mom, I think when I m a parent, I ll never do this with my kids because it s so dangerous.
7
SPEAKER_01
And I was like, wait, what?
7
SPEAKER_01
I just got told that my parenting was rough by my own kids.
7
SPEAKER_04
Things I have a hard time saying no to.
7
SPEAKER_04
I mean, you re offered a lot of things like charity benefits and if you could show up.
7
SPEAKER_01
Oh, I say no to everything.
7
SPEAKER_04
Do you feel guilty at all or you re just healthy about it?
7
SPEAKER_01
Oh my God, I feel so guilty.
7
SPEAKER_01
If a friend hits me up for something that s charity oriented, school, charity, all that.
7
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I do a lot of stuff for my kids  schools.
7
SPEAKER_04
When you wanna say no, how do you do it?
7
SPEAKER_04
Email, phone call, text, just can t?
7
SPEAKER_04
Ghost.
7
SPEAKER_04
Too busy right now?
7
SPEAKER_01
If I wanna say no, I m out of town.
7
SPEAKER_04
Out of town.
7
SPEAKER_04
I m out of town.
7
SPEAKER_04
Even if you re not, and then you have to hide out those days.
7
SPEAKER_01
Then you have to hide that weekend, but that s okay.
7
SPEAKER_01
Okay, here s one that s interesting.
7
SPEAKER_04
It s worth it.
7
SPEAKER_04
Favorite, full circle, because we have a theme, favorite, everyone has theirs, I know mine, favorite SNL cast.
7
SPEAKER_01
Oh, full cast?
7
SPEAKER_01
Or are we doing fantasy football?
7
SPEAKER_02
We were part of a hybrid.
7
SPEAKER_02
Oh, you can do fantasy football.
7
SPEAKER_01
You guys should do a fantasy football, because then I would go... You could do that.
7
SPEAKER_01
I mean, I would obviously have to have you guys.
7
SPEAKER_02
Have to, yes.
7
SPEAKER_01
Have to.
7
SPEAKER_04
There s Hall of Famers in every cast.
7
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
7
SPEAKER_04
Who is the starting cast?
7
SPEAKER_01
My starting lineup would have to be, yeah, but there s some that- No, I hate doing that, because then I forget someone.
7
SPEAKER_01
No, I know, but like Beck Bennett, who was in the last kind of cast.
7
SPEAKER_04
Yes, great cast member.
7
SPEAKER_01
Quiet, quiet, slow roll for the first maybe four years, and then on fire for the last two or three.
7
SPEAKER_00
Just Putin with the shirt off.
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SPEAKER_01
I mean, Putin with the shirt off, and then you ve got the guys, Mikey Day and the ones who play the Trump brothers.
7
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_01
But I d say overall, I mean, you got to have Will Ferrell.
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We know we have to have Will.
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SPEAKER_01
You have to have Will.
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SPEAKER_04
Will knows we have to have Will.
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SPEAKER_01
He s amazing.
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SPEAKER_01
He s amazing.
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SPEAKER_04
He s a first ballot.
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SPEAKER_01
We have to have Bill Hader.
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SPEAKER_04
We have to have Kristen Wiig.
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SPEAKER_04
It goes on and on.
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SPEAKER_04
You know, Kenan gave us a future episode, but he gave a great answer.
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SPEAKER_04
I guess I thought we could save it, but he said the women.
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SPEAKER_04
The women since 2000, and of course Sherry Oteri is one of my favorites before that, and Jan Hooks and everybody.
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SPEAKER_04
But it s kind of been so dominant, like never before in the history of the show, when you start adding them up.
7
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, no, I agree.
7
SPEAKER_02
Do you like people to say oriented or orientated?
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SPEAKER_01
Orientated isn t a word.
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SPEAKER_02
I know, my friend says it drives me fucking bananas.
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SPEAKER_01
Orientated?
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SPEAKER_02
Who says it?
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SPEAKER_02
He goes, they re more family orientated.
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SPEAKER_02
And I go, family orientated?
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SPEAKER_02
People say it all the time.
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SPEAKER_04
Oh, it is an easy one.
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SPEAKER_04
My favorite exercise is...
7
SPEAKER_04
exercise, like with my body?
7
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, do you like walking?
7
SPEAKER_04
Do you do a stair master?
7
SPEAKER_01
Why do you ask these things?
7
SPEAKER_01
Hiking?
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SPEAKER_01
Because I m out of bullets, I got nothing.
7
SPEAKER_01
I did, he put them all up over and over in the sandbox a while ago.
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SPEAKER_01
My favorite, I exercise all the time obsessively because I m crazy and I have to get my brain to shut up.
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SPEAKER_01
So I ride a bike to nowhere a lot.
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SPEAKER_02
I could have answered that.
7
SPEAKER_02
Okay, Julie, we know you got to run.
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SPEAKER_02
Thank you for coming by.
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SPEAKER_02
We re going to go to a break.
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SPEAKER_01
Everyone behind you goes, she doesn t have to go.
7
SPEAKER_01
They re like, we just really need to be done with this.
7
SPEAKER_04
No, we did good though.
7
SPEAKER_04
That was really good.
7
SPEAKER_04
We were counselable in a couple segments, right?
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SPEAKER_04
Counselable?
7
SPEAKER_04
Counselable.
7
SPEAKER_04
I went to state school.
7
SPEAKER_04
I mean, yeah.
7
SPEAKER_01
But where are you from?
7
SPEAKER_04
Montana.
7
SPEAKER_04
Montana, and then the peninsula.
7
SPEAKER_01
Where in Montana?
7
SPEAKER_04
Missoula.
7
SPEAKER_04
Was that where you just were?
7
SPEAKER_01
I was just in Montana.
7
SPEAKER_01
I was in Big Sky.
7
SPEAKER_04
I was there too.
7
SPEAKER_04
I was in Big Fork visiting relatives.
7
SPEAKER_04
I was in Big Dick.
7
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, there is Big Dick, Dixon County.
7
SPEAKER_01
I should have said Big Dick.
7
SPEAKER_01
Big Sky, Big Fork, and of course, Big Dick.
7
SPEAKER_04
You were down by Livingston then.
7
SPEAKER_01
I don t know, but I like it.
7
SPEAKER_01
I like it because you go skiing there and there s dudes in Carhartt jackets and like no helmet and they re like old school.
7
SPEAKER_02
Right.
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SPEAKER_01
And then, you know, they re like come up here, they cut a butt.
7
SPEAKER_02
Dana drives up in his Volvo.
7
SPEAKER_02
I drove my Volvo.
7
SPEAKER_02
And they go, look at this city boy.
7
SPEAKER_03
Well, it s a poem.
7
SPEAKER_03
Well, well, well, well, well.
7
SPEAKER_03
Lookie what we got ourselves here.
7
SPEAKER_03
We got a city boy.
7
SPEAKER_03
We from Stockholm.
7
SPEAKER_03
Is that what y all?
7
SPEAKER_03
City boy with your Swedish car driving all around.
7
SPEAKER_03
Ooh, you got airbags?
7
SPEAKER_03
Oh, you got a little pillow.
7
SPEAKER_03
Can t you hit a grizzly bear?
7
SPEAKER_02
I sound like Chris Rock.
7
SPEAKER_03
Hey, sweetie pie.
7
SPEAKER_03
Do you have a Volvo, by the way?
7
SPEAKER_01
Do I have a Volvo?
7
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I just want the audience to know who to follow.
7
SPEAKER_02
No, I don t have a Volvo.
7
SPEAKER_01
Do you have a Volvo?
7
SPEAKER_01
I do have a Volvo, but I do not have a Volvo.
7
SPEAKER_01
Let s look at a clip of it.
7
SPEAKER_01
Well, well, well, well, looky what we got ourselves.
7
SPEAKER_00
We got a baby Volvo.
8
SPEAKER_03
That s what your plan is.
8
SPEAKER_02
Anyway.
8
SPEAKER_02
Actually, I gotta go.
8
SPEAKER_03
Julie.
8
SPEAKER_02
He has a lunch.
8
SPEAKER_03
All right, Midnight Toker.
8
SPEAKER_03
You guys work fast.
8
SPEAKER_02
That s good, one hour, we gotta get him in and out.
8
SPEAKER_02
We don t want to... It s like another pancake.
8
SPEAKER_00
Ty Burrell is... The greatest person that ever lived.
8
SPEAKER_00
Lightning round.
8
SPEAKER_03
Jesse Ferguson is... The most unrecognized of our cast as being freaking funny as hell.
8
SPEAKER_01
Sofia Vergara.
8
SPEAKER_03
Sofia Vergara.
8
SPEAKER_01
Vergara.
8
SPEAKER_03
heart of gold, the most generous, she s a queen.
8
SPEAKER_03
My kid just spent 12 hours with her two days ago, because he went to see America s Got Talent with another friend.
8
SPEAKER_02
Oh, she s there?
8
SPEAKER_03
And I said, if you have a chance, say hi to Sophia.
8
SPEAKER_03
She had cameras on him, she took pictures, she said it to me, she s the most generous, kind person.
8
SPEAKER_02
So you just had a blast on that show.
8
SPEAKER_02
What s your impression of Sophia Varga, do you have one?
8
SPEAKER_03
Or you have to, it has to be about somebody.
8
SPEAKER_03
Oh, the one that people really liked, we were on Ellen and they were saying, what s your relationship with Sophia like?
8
SPEAKER_03
And I said, she just, she keeps to herself and like, she still lives in a castle, you know, like in the sky with like a beautiful man.
8
SPEAKER_03
But every now and again, I ll get a call and she ll go, Julie, this thing tonight, it is cocktail?
8
SPEAKER_03
I m like, what do you mean?
8
SPEAKER_03
What do we wear?
8
SPEAKER_03
It s cocktail?
8
SPEAKER_03
Well, I mean, you can wear a dress or you just have to look nice, but is it cocktail?
8
SPEAKER_03
Like it s cocktail, like she has this very specific cocktail means something tight into the knee and in evening means tight into the floor.
8
SPEAKER_03
And cocktail, she s like cocktail, you know, with like fruit or flower.
8
SPEAKER_03
And I m like, so your dress can have fruits or flowers on it for cocktail, but not for evening?
8
SPEAKER_03
She s like, jays.
8
SPEAKER_03
So that was, that s Sophia.
8
SPEAKER_03
Oh, does she have a good ear or is it just, that s cool.
8
SPEAKER_03
She s, you spend time around her, you can t not do it.
8
SPEAKER_02
The best way to learn someone is just to be around them, basically.
8
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, just being around them.
8
SPEAKER_02
You just start telling stories and talking for them, and then you realize you re doing an impression of her.
8
SPEAKER_02
Jays.
8
SPEAKER_02
Jays.
8
SPEAKER_02
Jays.
8
SPEAKER_02
What was Sandler s spillover party?
8
SPEAKER_02
Was that cocktail?
8
SPEAKER_03
It was, well, for me it was cocktail, for Sandler it was vagabond.
8
SPEAKER_02
It was Green Jets, Parka.
8
SPEAKER_01
I m fluent in Italian, you hear that and you... I m fake, I do fake Italian.
8
SPEAKER_01
You are very good at your fake Italian.
8
SPEAKER_03
Hey, Linguini.
8
SPEAKER_03
You should have joined some Linguini-a-pasta.
8
SPEAKER_02
The exit s on the fifth floor.
8
SPEAKER_02
Julie Bowen.
8
SPEAKER_03
I want to see this house.
8
SPEAKER_02
This has been a podcast presentation of Cadence 13.
8
SPEAKER_02
Please listen, then rate, review, and follow all episodes.
8
SPEAKER_02
Available now for free wherever you get your podcasts.
8
SPEAKER_00
No joke, folks.
8
SPEAKER_00
Fly on the Wall has been a presentation of Cadence 13, executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Chris Corcoran of Cadence 13, and Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment.
8
SPEAKER_02
The show s lead producer is Greg Holtzman with production and engineering support from Serena Regan and Chris Basil of Cadence 13.