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The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is your space to explore mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves.
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I m your host, Dr. Joy Harden-Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, and I can t wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday.
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Listen to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Take good care, and we ll see you there.
0
SPEAKER_03
Get emotional with me, Radhi Devlukia, in my new podcast, A Really Good Cry.
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We re going to be talking with some of my best friends.
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I didn t know we were going to go there on this.
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People that I admire.
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When we say listen to your body, really tune in to what s going on.
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Authors of books that have changed my life.
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Now you re talking about sympathy, which is different than empathy.
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Never forget, it s okay to cry as long as you make it a really good one.
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Listen to A Really Good Cry with Radhi Devlukia on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Tune in to the new podcast, Stories from the Village of Nothing Much.
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Like, easy listening, but for fiction.
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If you ve overdosed on bad news, we invite you into a world where the glimmers of goodness in everyday life are all around you.
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I m Katharine Nicolai, and I m an architect of cozy.
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Come spend some time where everyone is welcome and the default is kindness.
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Listen, relax, enjoy.
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Listen to stories from the Village of Nothing Much on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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We live in a world where everyone has a different context, has a different background, has a different walk of life.
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And because of that, we have to be open to the idea that people behave in ways that we will never understand, never condone, and never choose to act ourselves.
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The number one health and wellness podcast.
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Jay Shetty.
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Jay Shetty.
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The one, the only, Jay Shetty.
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Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the place you come to become happier, healthier and more healed.
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Today s episode is all about how to set boundaries without offending people.
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Is that even possible?
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I m going to be talking about it in this episode and if you re someone who feels taken advantage of,
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either personally or professionally, maybe it s in your family and friends circle or maybe it s at work, this episode is for you.
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If you feel you re a people pleaser and you struggle with saying no, all you re ever doing is saying yes, sure, I ll do it, I m in, and in your heart and mind you re thinking to yourself,
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How am I going to keep up with this?
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This episode is for you.
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If you re someone who overcommits, if you re someone who has no time left for yourself because you re spending it all on everyone else, this episode is for you.
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Now, let s be honest.
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Boundaries are tough to set, especially with people you love, especially with people you re close to, right?
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We ve been raised to want to be good people.
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And in our head, the definition of being a good person is someone who never says no, someone who always says yes, someone who s always available, someone who everyone goes, thanks for always being around.
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Thanks for being so consistent.
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Thank you for always being there.
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So our definition of what it means to be a good person
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is someone with no boundaries.
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I want you to really let that settle.
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I m starting straight in.
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I want you to think about that.
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Our definition of what a good human being is, is someone who doesn t have boundaries.
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Because
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You want someone to say to you, thank you so much for always being around.
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You want to be that person that everyone likes, that everyone says, oh, you know, so-and-so, they re so helpful.
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We want to be liked.
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We want to be considered significant, important, nice, kind.
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But in order to get that validation, we often break promises to ourselves.
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So, our definition of what it means to be a good, healthy human needs to change at the core.
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Because if it doesn t change, we end up thinking that now we re a bad human, right?
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Maybe you ve even played around with boundaries.
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Maybe you ve even tried to set boundaries, then when you did it, it didn t feel good, right?
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It felt so uncomfortable.
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It felt so not like you.
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And whenever it didn t feel like you, you then went back on it.
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You let it go because it felt so awkward, uncomfortable, difficult to maintain a boundary.
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Maybe when you ve tried to set a boundary in the past, someone put pressure on you.
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Someone tried to break your boundary.
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So this episode is dedicated to us figuring out how we can set better boundaries, how do we communicate those boundaries, and how do we hopefully not offend people in the process.
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The first thing I d like to do is I d like to redefine boundaries, just as we talked about redefining what it means to be a good human being.
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We do believe that a good human being knows how to invest in themselves.
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A healthy human being knows how to have parameters, knows how to navigate awkward, uncomfortable conversations.
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That s what we d aspire to be like.
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But we also have to redefine what boundaries are.
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Listen to this carefully.
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Boundaries are about what we need for ourselves, not what we want or don t want from others.
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Let me say that again.
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Boundaries are about what we need for ourselves, not what we want or don t want from others.
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So many times when people are speaking about boundaries, what they re really doing is setting rules that they want others to live by.
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They re setting a list of to-dos for others to follow.
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They re setting a list of don ts for others to stand by.
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This is a recipe for failure.
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If your boundary is about controlling someone else s actions or hoping, wishing, wanting, waiting for them to do something differently, that is pretty near impossible.
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The reason I say that is so many of us are setting boundaries that are like, next time this happens, can you please not do this?
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Next time this happens, can you not do this?
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Now, I m not saying that we shouldn t try that.
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I m just saying that that doesn t really set a boundary because that s trying to set a boundary to protect you from someone else.
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And actually, a true boundary is protecting you from yourself.
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Let me say that again.
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We think boundaries are about protecting us from other people.
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But boundaries are actually about protecting ourselves from ourselves.
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We can t control anyone else s actions.
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We can control our own.
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Boundaries are to protect yourself from your own triggers, not stop someone else from behaving a certain way, because you can t guarantee that.
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So, let me give you an example of a boundary that may fail.
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I m going to tell my friends to not invite me out after 8 p.m.
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Now, I may say that, but here s what will likely happen.
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Maybe they ll forget and they ll invite me anyway.
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Maybe they ll go out one day at 7.45, not invite me, and then I ll feel some FOMO and feel, well, I wish they invited me.
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I said 8, not, you know, right?
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It gets messy.
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But a healthy boundary is this, for example, if I get invited out on a weekday after 8pm, I ll decline.
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You re protecting yourself, you re setting yourself up for something you can control, something you re in charge of.
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If my friends ask me to drink on a night out, I ll choose something non-alcoholic.
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Now, I ve been in that place when I transitioned from drinking alcohol to not drinking alcohol.
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I remember struggling to tell my friends about my change.
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I did it fairly young, and so I was scared about how I d be perceived.
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I thought I d be seen as someone who didn t fit in or someone who is different now.
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And so it was really hard for me to tell them that.
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And what I realized was,
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If I set a boundary for them, they may forget or they may not forget.
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Maybe they re drunk when they re asking me to have a drink, so they re not in their right state of mind.
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It s not always going to be clear-cut, but I need to set boundaries for myself.
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I remember when I made that transition, I started saying to a lot of my friends, hey, like, I d love to go hang out in a restaurant.
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Let s avoid a club or a bar or whatever it may be.
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That was a boundary I was setting, that that s how I spent my time.
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So these are all if this, then that scenarios.
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What are your if scenarios?
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If I get invited out on a weekday, if my friends ask me to drink, if this happens, then that.
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What are your if scenarios that you find are leading to behaviors that break boundaries that you re trying to set?
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Maybe you re trying to follow a certain diet.
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Maybe you re trying to follow a certain workout.
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Maybe you re in a state right now where you re trying to choose going out instead of staying in or staying in instead of going out.
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What are your if scenarios?
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And what is your solution?
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If this, then that.
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This is a great rule to make for your mind, so that your mind doesn t have to look at every situation as unique and different.
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So often, if we just play it case by case, and we don t set these rules for ourselves, we end up falling at the first hurdle.
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Now, the second thing I want to say
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is, sorry, I can t make it, won t be possible for me this time.
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I have another commitment.
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These three are perfect sentences.
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They re all fully OK to communicate.
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What we often do when we re trying to communicate our boundaries is we often over-explain and over-compensate thinking it helps, but often it opens a can of worms.
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Now, if you know someone really, really well and you have a priority in your life, you should communicate that priority, i.e., hey, you know what?
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From now on, I m not really trying to go out after 8 p.m.
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on weekdays.
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I m trying to get an early night.
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I m trying to make sure that I get that sleep.
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I just wanted you to know that because I didn t want you to think I wasn t messaging you, right?
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That s a great, great thing to say.
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But often what we do is we try and over-explain and over-compensate for everything.
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So instead of saying, sorry, I can t make it, we do one or two things.
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We don t say anything up until the last minute where we then say, sorry, I can t make it, and we feel terrible.
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Or we send a long-winded explanation trying to justify our choice.
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Now, there s a difference between justifying your choice to yourself
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and communicating outwardly to someone else.
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Most of us are still trying to convince ourselves of our boundary, so we end up sending a message that sounds like something you should say to yourself in your head.
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That doesn t communicate effectively to someone out there, right?
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Have you ever done that before where like,
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For example, I m just keep taking the same example because it s something I started with, but it s like I start saying, you know, I ve realized that when I go out on a weekday night, I feel like I don t get good enough sleep.
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I feel like I don t work out the next day.
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I find like I end up eating things that aren t healthy for me.
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And so I ve realized that I need to stay in.
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Now that s your own thought process.
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And that may or may not be useful to someone else.
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Them knowing that you can t make it, won t work out this time, is probably enough.
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If they re a close friend, you may tell them about your principle, but sometimes what we end up saying sounds like we re preaching.
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It sounds like we re saying an opinion of what we believe.
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And now that person s thinking, yeah, I get that, but I actually love going out or whatever it may be, right?
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And it triggers a whole conversation.
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And it often triggers something in them as well, where it sounds like you re saying something.
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And then you re like, oh, no, no, I didn t mean it to you.
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I just want this for me.
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And then it goes on and on and on.
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Hey everyone, it s Jay here.
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My wife and I have had so much fun creating our own sparkling tea juni, and I ve got big news for you.
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It s at Target, and we d love your support.
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If you can go out, grab a juni, you ll be adding adaptogens and nootropics into your life with mood-boosting properties aimed at promoting a balanced and happy mind.
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Through our commitment to our wellness journey and striving to fuel our bodies with the healthiest ingredients, it s been our purpose to make healthy choices accessible for all, which is why Juni is now on shelves at Target.
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So head to our store locator at drinkjuni.com and find Juni at a Target near you.
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Now, the third point is really important here.
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How can you be honest, kind,
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And this is the most important part.
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Empathetic to their reaction.
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I think a lot of the times we think that we want others to fully understand our values, to fully understand our approach, to almost celebrate it.
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We want someone to say, wow, that s amazing, good for you.
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And sometimes they may say, oh, you re such a bore, right?
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Now, I m not saying that that s a nice thing for someone to say.
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I m not saying that I agree with that.
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I know that it s not comfortable hearing that.
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And again, I m not telling you to tolerate someone s bad behavior.
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But what I am saying is that it s okay to recognize that someone else has their own values about a similar situation.
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And often we can get so lost in now being critical of someone s reaction that we re stealing a great time from ourselves.
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So many of us spend more time criticizing how someone behaves with us than creating opportunities to have a great time.
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How many times have you sat there, complained, criticized, and compared instead of focusing on creating a great evening?
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And I would encourage you to be empathetic and be open to the idea that people may not agree with you.
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That s very likely.
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Someone may debate you.
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That s very likely.
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And our expectation of, well, they should just understand is actually going to cause us more stress.
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So now I ve started to realize I m going to be honest, kind, and empathetic with my response.
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But I don t have an expectation of how I want that person to respond.
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I realize that humans are just so complex, we re so layered, all of us, including me, and I have no idea what the context of this conversation is for that individual as they hear it.
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Even if I think I know them, I don t know what they went through right now at this millisecond.
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And therefore, because I don t know what s happening in this particular second of their life,
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I m going to be empathetic to how they process this, and I m not going to have an expectation on how they should have processed this, or how I would process this.
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We often do this thing where we project how we process things onto people.
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And when they don t act in that way, we re so surprised.
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We re thinking, well, why wouldn t you do that?
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That s what I would have done.
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They re not you, and you re not them.
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If someone doesn t act in the way you would, or the way you think they should, remember this.
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They re not you, and you re not them.
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Most people are not you.
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Most people don t think exactly the way you do.
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We live in a world where everyone has a different context, has a different background, has a different walk of life.
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And because of that, we have to be open to the idea that people behave in ways that we will never understand, never condone, and never choose to act ourselves.
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Now, one of the reasons why we struggle with these conversations is when you try to say these things, you subconsciously sound defensive.
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Because you subconsciously feel defensive.
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And that s actually what gets communicated in your tone.
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You re scared of it being perceived negatively because you perceive it negatively.
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There s a part of you that still believes that not going out, not drinking, not eating, whatever it is that you re trying to practice, there s a part of you that believes it s not the right thing.
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There s a part of you that believes it s uncool, it s untrendy, it s fatty, it s whatever it is.
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There s a part of you that believes that.
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And that s why you re scared to share it.
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And that s why when someone actually says something about it, it triggers you because you felt it already.
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No one can trigger you if you don t have the button to press already.
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Right?
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If that button doesn t exist on you, no one can press that button.
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If someone can push that button, it means that that button exists.
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Get that?
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So we re trying to get it like if you don t have an on and off button, you can t press it, right?
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Same with any trigger button.
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So here s an exercise.
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Here are three questions that we need to internalize when we re setting a boundary.
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We have to become more certain about our boundaries.
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They can t just be a rule that sounds
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They just can t be a list of things that we re going to follow.
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We have to actually think about them.
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The first question, what is the boundary protecting for you?
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Is it time?
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Why is time important?
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Why is that so precious?
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Is it an ideal that you re trying to practice?
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Is it a mindset you re trying to build?
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Why is that important?
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So what is the boundary protecting for you?
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Not protecting from you, but protecting for you.
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And why is that so important?
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Why is that thing so important?
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Two more questions.
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What happens when you don t follow that boundary?
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What happens if you don t follow that boundary?
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Tomorrow you re going to wake up.
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How are you going to feel?
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Fast forward, future pace.
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This is called fast forward of future pace.
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When you almost project yourself, beam yourself into the future and said, how will my future self feel about this?
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How do I know I m likely to feel about this if I forego the boundary?
2
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The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is an NAACP and Webby Award winning podcast dedicated to all things mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves.
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Here, we have the conversations that help black women decipher how their past inform who they are today.
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and use that information to decide who they want to be moving forward.
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We chat about things like how to establish routines that center self-care, what burnout looks and feels like, and defining what aspects of our lives are making us happy and what parts are holding us back.
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I m your host, Dr. Joy Harden-Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia.
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And I can t wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday.
2
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Listen to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
2
SPEAKER_00
Take good care, and we ll see you there.
2
SPEAKER_02
Get emotional with me, Radhi Devlukia, in my new podcast, A Really Good Cry.
2
SPEAKER_02
We re going to talk about and go through all the things that are sometimes difficult to process alone.
2
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We re going to go over how to regulate your emotions, diving deep into holistic personal development, and just building your mindset to have a happier, healthier life.
2
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We re going to be talking with some of my best friends.
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I didn t know we were going to go there.
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people that I admire.
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When we say listen to your body, really tune in to what s going on.
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Authors of books that have changed my life.
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Now you re talking about sympathy, which is different than empathy, right?
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And basically have conversations that can help us get through this crazy thing we call life.
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I already believe in myself.
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I already see myself.
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And so when people give me an opportunity, I m just like,
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Oh great, you see me too!
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We ll laugh together, we ll cry together, and find a way through all of our emotions.
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Never forget, it s okay to cry, as long as you make it a really good one.
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Listen to A Really Good Cry with Radhi Devlukia on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Something that makes me crazy is when people say, well, I had this career before, but it was a waste.
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And that s where the perspective shift comes.
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That it s not a waste, that everything you ve done has built you to where you are now.
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This is She Pivots.
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the podcast where we explore the inspiring pivots women have made and dig deeper into the personal reasons behind them.
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Join me, Emily Tish Sussman, every Wednesday on She Pivots, as I sit down with inspiring women like Misty Copeland, Brooke Shields, Vanessa Hudgens, and so many more.
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We dive into how these women made their pivot and their mindset shifts that happened as a result.
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It s a podcast about women, their stories, and how their pivot became their success.
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Listen to She Pivots on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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And now let me do the opposite.
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How do I feel when I do follow through on the boundary?
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These three questions are a must for any of the big boundaries you want to set in your life.
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Now, the next step is planning a buffer.
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A lot of the time when we finally set these boundaries, maybe you laminate your rules, right?
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You have them in your notes, whatever you do for them, what ends up happening is someone will catch you off guard.
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Someone will surprise you.
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Someone will ask for something at a time you don t expect.
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And you ll be thinking, oh, I m not ready for this, right?
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I wasn t prepared for this.
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It s okay to ask for some time.
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It s okay to ask for some space.
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It s okay to say, yeah, let me get back to you.
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Let me think about that.
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Oh, thanks so much.
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I appreciate it.
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Yeah, let me get back to you in a couple of days.
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It s so important to create that space for yourself and not feel pressure.
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And the best way to do it is, hey, I ll let you know in a couple of days, right?
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I ll actually let you try and set a deadline for yourself.
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I think often when we don t set a deadline, we never say anything.
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And then that person does feel hurt and offended.
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And rightly so, because they don t know what s going on inside your head.
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So it s okay to ask for some time to ask for some space.
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Now, we haven t addressed how to have that uncomfortable conversation.
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And the more and more I speak to people, personally or professionally, the more I hear how much we struggle with actually having these uncomfortable conversations, because we ve never been prepared for them.
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We ve never been trained for them.
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So here s a few tips that help.
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The first one is observing others do uncomfortable things, right?
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Observing real people.
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do uncomfortable things.
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Uncomfortable things that we encourage that would be a good idea, right?
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If you can sit in or you can watch someone in the workplace do something uncomfortable, it allows you to understand how it was done well and how it was done badly.
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Now if it was done well our reactions usually are, I have no idea how you did that.
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And if you don t think it went well, you d be thinking, I don t know why you did that.
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Right?
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Notice the difference.
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Your reaction when someone does something well is, I have no idea how you did that.
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And when someone didn t pull it off well, I don t know why you did that.
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So we ve got to look out for those moments in our life when we re thinking, how did you do that?
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And often what we do is we put people on a pedestal.
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We just assume you re special, you re smart, you have some gift, you learned something.
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The truth is, it s a muscle that can be built.
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It s a skill that can be trained.
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It s a skill, it s a skill, it s a skill.
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The more and more I ve realized in life, everything you admire in someone else
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is a skill.
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It s a skill that can be trained.
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It s a muscle that can be built.
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It s a life that you can live.
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We delude ourself by making ourselves believe that it s only possible for that person because of a certain set of circumstances, and we accept less for ourself.
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It s a skill that can be trained.
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So observing someone else do something uncomfortable, ask them questions.
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Even if you know they do it, maybe you haven t seen them do the interaction, ask them.
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Maybe you know someone who s had to have a lot of uncomfortable conversations in their career.
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Sit down and ask them what they ve learned through that process, why they ve done that, how it s helped them.
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Watch them do it if they let you watch them, but be curious about them.
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And then at one point we have to get to exposure therapy.
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We have to start exposing ourselves to small, tiny, simple actions of discomfort.
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Calling to cancel a dental appointment.
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Calling to cancel a reservation at a restaurant.
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Right?
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Declining an invite to a friend s birthday.
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Right?
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Whatever it may be.
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We need to expose ourselves to the smallest version of it and then allow it to scale.
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Here s the harsh truth I have to share with you.
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People will be offended and that s okay.
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Use this as an opportunity to reset.
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A lot of the times people will say things like, oh, you used to always be around.
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What happened?
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Oh, you always used to be so much fun.
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What happened?
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People will say things like that.
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And often we sit there and go, why are they saying things like that?
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It s not bizarre.
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That s how people are.
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They get used to a certain pattern of you.
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And now they want that pattern to be your reality forever.
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Use that as an opportunity to reset.
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Reset who you are and reset who you re around.
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Reset people s expectations of you.
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We ve all lived in the world of expectations.
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People have built up an expectation about you and maybe you ve built up an expectation of someone else.
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And this is a really important point too.
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Who in your life has been trying to set a boundary with you and you ve been irked by it?
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Who s tried to set
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boundary with you and you ve been irked by it, it s so important to reflect on that because, by the way, this is happening both ways.
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There are people trying to set a boundary with me right now and I may be rejecting it.
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I m not giving them the empathy that I would want and boundaries will adapt and that s okay.
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Boundaries will adapt, they ll change, they ll be flexible and you will have to update people and they ll say, wow, it sounds like you re changing every week right now.
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They will say that.
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Predicting what people will say will protect you from having the false expectation that they won t say it.
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Expect it, predict it, project it, know that it s going to happen and therefore be prepared for it.
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Thank you so much for listening to On Purpose.
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I hope that you ll pass this on to a friend who may be struggling with setting boundaries.
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And I want you to remember this.
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I am forever in your corner and I m always rooting for you.
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Thanks for listening.
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If you loved this episode, you will also love my interview with Charles Duhigg on how to hack your brain, change any habit effortlessly, and the secret to making better decisions.
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Look, am I hesitating on this because I m scared of making the choice, because I m scared of doing the work?
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Or am I sitting with this because it just doesn t feel right yet?
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For Mental Health Awareness Month, I m partnering up with the National Alliance of Mental Illness, NAMI.
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If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health, there is help.
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Call NAMI Helpline at 800-950-NAMI or go to www.nami.org forward slash help or text helpline to 62640.
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For immediate 24-7 crisis support, call or text 988 or visit www.nami.org.
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988-Lifeline.org
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Something that makes me crazy is when people say, well, I had this career before, but it was a waste.
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And that s where the perspective shift comes, that it s not a waste, that everything you ve done has built you to where you are now.
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This is She Pivots, the podcast where we explore the inspiring pivots women have made and dig deeper into the personal reasons behind them.
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Join me, Emily Tish Sussman, every Wednesday on She Pivots.
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Listen to She Pivots on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Bring a little optimism into your life with The Bright Side, a new kind of daily podcast from Hello Sunshine, hosted by me, Danielle Robay.
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And me, Simone Boyce.
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Every weekday, we re bringing you conversations about culture, the latest trends, inspiration, and so much more.
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I am so excited about this podcast, The Bright Side.
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You guys are giving people a chance to shine a light on their lives, shine a light on a little advice that they want to share.
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Listen to The Bright Side on America s number one podcast network, iHeart.
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Open your free iHeart app and search The Bright Side.
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Tune in to the new podcast, Stories from the Village of Nothing Much.
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Like, easy listening, but for fiction.
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If you ve overdosed on bad news, we invite you into a world where the glimmers of goodness in everyday life are all around you.
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I m Katharine Nicolai, and I m an architect of cozy.
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Come spend some time where everyone is welcome and the default is kindness.
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Listen, relax, enjoy.
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Listen to stories from the Village of Nothing Much on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.