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Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.
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I m Dan Rather and I m joined by Minister Mouse.
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I love amusement parks.
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I used to.
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I couldn t have been happier about this.
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For how much I talk about Cedar Point, the fact that two of our stories comes from Cedar Point.
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You guys had an embarrassing showing.
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We did.
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Here, it was all like Michigan adjacent places, except maybe one of them.
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We re proud.
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You also gotta look at volume.
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Cedar Point s a monstrous place.
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Pound for pound the best amusement park.
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There s more rides there per square inch than anywhere else in the world.
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So this shit s gonna go.
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Florida has more rides per square inch as a state.
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Rides, I don t know.
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They ve got themes, so they ve got things that are taking up a bunch of space.
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This is just, this is adrenaline.
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Every five feet there s another huge roller coaster.
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That s what they re betting on, because they don t have a scheme.
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I know.
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Anyways, this isn t about Cedar Point, although it kind of is.
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So yes, this is tell us about a crazy amusement park story.
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And these were so fun.
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And you would kind of think that they would make you not want to go to an amusement park.
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And I was dying to go.
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I m like, I got to get back to Cedar Point.
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Really?
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Yeah.
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Did you feel an urge?
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Even to go to a water park?
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There s some water park stories.
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I felt an urge to go to Disneyland.
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Yeah, yeah.
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But I am, well, I say I m done with roller coasters.
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Me too.
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But then we did Space Mountain and it was super fun.
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That s fine.
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I ve just really hit a tolerance limit.
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Like I can t do a bunch of twisties and shit.
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Me too.
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But I m pretty certain I could go ride the Gemini a couple dozen times in a row.
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And is that Twisties?
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That s my favorite, no, that s like, for a long time was the biggest wooden roller coaster ever.
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And that was the big boy when I grew up going there as a child.
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You d go on the Gemini, and it was all wooden, and a big, first steep hill.
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But it s great, and it s smooth, and there s no loop-de-loops.
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That was the corkscrew.
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I loved the loop-de-loops.
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You did.
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I did, and it s sad that I can t hold my own anymore.
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No, me either, yeah.
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Age.
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Anyways, please enjoy Crazy Amusement Park Stories.
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Come and go.
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Good times, take them slow.
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My life, I had them both.
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Remember one thing, you gotta know.
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I ma keep on shining.
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I knew a girl named Nikki, I guess you could say she was a sex fiend.
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I met her in a hotel lobby, made into a magazine.
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Yeah, girl.
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What song is that?
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Prince.
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Yeah.
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I actually first heard that song sitting in my older brother s car while he was driving me to school.
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And I was like, I don t think I m supposed to be hearing this.
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You know what s funny, Nikki?
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My mother was so lax when it came to like sexual stuff, but I bought that Prince tape when I was like nine or 10.
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My brother actually told my mom, I think that tape s too much for him.
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She looked at the lyrics and she said I couldn t have it.
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And that s the only time I was censored as a child.
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Well, I knew a girl named Nikki.
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I guess you could say she was a sex fiend, met her in a hotel lobby, masturbate into a magazine.
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And then there was a song called Blow Me.
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Yeah.
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Okay.
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Wow.
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How old are you?
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I am 37 years old.
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I like to say 27, but 37 years old.
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Okay.
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So yeah, you weren t even alive when that song came out.
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No, but I have two older brothers who are 14 and 12 years older than me, so I was raised on their music.
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It sounds like you re also from the state Prince was from.
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That s incorrect.
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That or northern Wisconsin or UP?
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Minnesota.
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Michigan.
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Michigan!
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How far north are you?
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Mid-Michigan.
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A little town called Pinconne.
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Test your Michigan knowledge there.
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We re about 40 minutes north of Saginaw.
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Oh, okay.
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Great.
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Nikki, so nice to meet you.
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And you have an amusement park story.
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And so now that I know where you re from, I feel like it s going to be Boblo Island or Cedar point.
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Cedar point.
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Definitely.
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So this happened in about 2013.
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My then boyfriend now husband was with me and we were with another couple.
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We went during our favorite time, which is the hollow weekends in October, freezing cold, rainy, terrible conditions, but so much fun.
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Because it was rainy, everyone had coats and ponchos.
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So the first thing we wanted to do was go on the Millennium Force because it was one of the biggest ones on the time, funnest roller coasters to go on.
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And we rushed right to there and it s still raining.
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Like we weren t even sure if they were going to let it go because it was so rainy.
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We get on midway through all the carts and we re going up on the descent, like the rain s hitting us in the face, kind of nervous about that.
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And as we go over the hill and do the rush,
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down the big hill of the roller coaster, somebody a few rows ahead of me, their poncho rips and flies back and hits me in the face.
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Oh, boy.
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And it was like someone put saran wrap around my face, like it suctioned because I think of the wetness and the sheer force of it.
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It s saran wrapped around my face.
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So I was suffocating and I was sheer panicked and I was trying to get my boyfriend s attention.
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But he thought I was just like yelling and screaming.
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I was so excited about the ride.
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And finally, I m like punching him, trying to scream his name.
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And he looks at me and instead of helping me, he busts into laughing so hysterically hard, he can t even help me.
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So I am stuck this way.
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It felt like forever, but probably like 30 seconds, as long as the roller coaster took.
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Oh my God, you didn t get it off until it was done?
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No, until it slowed down because I was just panicked.
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I couldn t grasp the right parts of it.
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And were you, I imagine having a hard time breathing?
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Yes.
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And I don t know if that was just for me panicking or if it was that close to my mouth, but the whole time I was like, I m going to die on a roller coaster because I suffocated.
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Oh my god, that s actually fucking terrifying.
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It s like having a plastic shopping bag shoved over your head and then held tight.
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It s kind of common for dogs to like suffocate in bags like that.
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Because they sniff around where the food is?
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Yeah, and then it gets sucked in or like chip bags and stuff.
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It happens.
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I know.
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Cautionary tale.
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Yes.
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Cautionary tale.
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When it s rainy and windy, make sure that your ponchos are locked in.
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And of course, now my biggest regret is at the time when they take the picture, the picture is of my husband, like having the time of his life and me with a bag wrapped around my head.
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And I wish now I would have let him purchase it.
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Oh, you did it.
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I did it because I was so upset and so angry.
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I was just like, no, I was just walking away and he s like, I m sorry.
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Now looking back, of course, I wish I had that picture.
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Honestly, that might be the first picture we would have posted for armchair anonymous because everything stays anonymous, but you would have this big poncho over your face.
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You d still be an anonymous.
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Oh, I m so bummed for you that you don t have that photo.
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I mean, that would be up there with Fabio, you know, the famous Fabio roller coaster.
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Yes.
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Do you know that one?
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Monica Fabio went on a roller coaster and I want to say it was like the opening day of the roller coaster.
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So they fly in Fabio.
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It s definitely some kind of paid endorsement.
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and they go down the hill and his seagull hits him in the face.
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No.
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Breaks his nose.
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No.
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When he comes back and there s so many cameras there to capture Flavio.
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Oh my, is there blood everywhere?
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Oh, there s blood everywhere, there s feathers.
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It s terrible.
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Oh.
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Oh my God, I never even thought about that.
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I m sure there s a lot of, maybe we ll hear one, a bird incident.
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Sure.
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I m sure that happens a lot.
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A broken nose would be way worse than just being suffocated for 30 seconds.
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I don t know though.
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I mean, you basically were waterboarded.
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Like there s nothing scarier than not breathing for 30 seconds.
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So many of our Armchair Anonymous stories have to do with a boyfriend or husband laughing and not acting.
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That seems to be a theme.
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I would have laughed really hard too, but I would have also been pulling it off your face, but mark your words.
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I would be screaming, laughing.
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Cause you probably look like a weird mummy or like a horror movie where they show a face come through like the sills.
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And this has nothing to do with your story, but were you the type of couple that would go and dress identically at Cedar point?
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No.
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Was that still a thing when you were going?
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I know a lot of people would have like the matching t-shirts as a group, like they do at Disney and stuff, but not necessarily matching couples.
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Oh, I m talking more couples, yeah.
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But I never really had the chance to go and dress identically to my mate.
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We were dressed identically in the sense that everyone had big winter coats on.
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Sure, sure.
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We were dressed for success, but not really.
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And do people go in full costume?
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Yes, there are people that do that.
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Yeah, so I imagine if you re working at Cedar Point on one of the rides, you re like trying to make some judgment calls.
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Well, no, that s dangerous.
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That could fly off at 80 miles an hour.
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Pieces of costume and stuff.
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Yeah, it seems like they would almost- It d be a rule.
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Outlaw excessive costuming.
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Well, maybe after this story they will.
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Yeah.
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I hope not, because I bet those people really like getting in their werewolf costumes.
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Yeah, we don t want any suffocation.
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The next ride right
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after that too, there was just mayhem happening all over because we went on another roller coaster right after.
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And as soon as it s done, we heard the person behind us start screaming, kind of like the bird situation.
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Like something hit me in the face.
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And the two people ahead of us were like, oh my God, I can t find my phone.
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We re pretty sure their phone fell out and like hit, luckily missed us somehow.
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They were ahead of us and the people behind us were like, something hit me.
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I applaud Cedar Point for just marching ahead through this inclement weather.
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People s phones are slippery and sliding out.
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People are getting suffocated and they re like, the show must go on at Cedar Point.
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Wow.
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That s fun.
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Oh, well, Nikki, what a great story.
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Thank you.
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I wanted to ask something that s been bugging me of a story of yours from when you were in Michigan last year.
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Do you remember when you guys were going to go tubing?
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There was just crazy racial signs and it was a real shady looking area.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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So I live near a couple of those places where you can go tubing.
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Do you remember if it was either the Ausable River or the Rifle River that you guys were at?
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Let me glance really quick at my map.
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We were all discussing it at work, taking bets on what area you were from the signage and terrible postings around it.
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But have you seen such signage?
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Does that ring a bell?
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I ve seen them.
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Yes, they definitely ring a bell.
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And I was hoping to tell you that not everyone in those areas posts signs like that and are not on board with it.
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Yeah, I didn t assume as much.
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I can t find it.
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I wonder if Aaron would remember.
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We were really scattywampus.
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We were filming shit, and we were trying to squeeze that in.
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It was pretty unrealistic.
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Wish I could remember the river.
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That s all right.
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I promised I would ask to settle our debate at work.
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Well, why don t you text Aaron, and then hopefully by the end of the episode, he ll have an answer, and then, yeah, you can listen in.
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I m pretty pessimistic that he ll remember, but at any rate, okay.
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Nikki, thank you.
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That was so much fun, and I m glad you survived, and I hope it hasn t deterred you from spending as much time at Cedar Point as possible.
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Absolutely not.
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We love it.
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It s our summer fun, usually.
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All right.
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Well, be well, and my love to all you Michiganders.
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Thank you so much.
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It was so nice meeting you.
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Bye-bye.
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I took pictures of that racist signage.
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Maybe it says it on there.
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Ooh, that s an interesting clue.
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Hello.
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Hello.
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Where are you Megan?
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I am in Indianapolis, Indiana.
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Oh sure.
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Indie Monica.
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You re so cute.
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Thank you.
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I think I do look extra small today because it s my brown sweater on the brown leather.
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Oh, okay.
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That s the explanation.
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Yeah.
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That means you shrink.
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So Megan, where did your amusement park disaster story take place?
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Where do people in Indianapolis go for an amusement park?
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That s a great question.
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I do want to say one thing.
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I have been in love with you since you told me the law school at Costco.
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SPEAKER_00
Oh, so you re kind of in love with freedom.
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Oh, I was like, when did you say that?
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I was like, I remember most of the crazy things you say, but I did not have made a lot of claims.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Oh, that s funny.
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He was a legacy.
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You guys keep me company.
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I have an hour commute all the way to Columbus, Indiana, and then back.
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And you guys are with me every day.
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I m a deputy prosecuting attorney.
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SPEAKER_00
And would you prosecute anything or are you doing a specific subset of prosecution?
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I actually worked in Marion County for a while, which is Indianapolis.
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And we had specialties, but then in Columbus, it s a lot smaller.
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So we have to do everything.
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I ve been doing it for 18 years.
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I do pretty much major felonies.
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Okay.
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Violent felons, burglaries, property crimes, sex offenses.
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I m surprised you haven t responded to previous prompts.
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You must have a katrillion stories.
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SPEAKER_01
I have a few.
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My husband does too.
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He s a detective.
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Oh my God.
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Do you think interacting so often with a percentage of the population that s committing crimes?
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Do you think it s had any impact on your overall view of mankind?
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I think that it probably could for most people that stay in the position, but I generally look at the world with rose colored glasses.
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I look at property crimes and violent crimes a lot different than drug crimes, methamphetamine, heroin, fentanyl.
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I m a prosecutor who will do whatever I can to help you with these addiction issues moving forward, because I want to keep you out of the system.
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So I try to always see the best in people.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah, that s good.
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SPEAKER_00
That s nice.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_00
Okay.
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SPEAKER_00
So you had a music park story and I was asking you, where do people in Indianapolis go for amusement?
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My story takes place at Kings Island, which is in Cincinnati.
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Home of the beast for a decade had the fastest roller coaster in the world.
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I think they had to shut that down.
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I haven t been in a while.
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I think they did.
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I think someone was injured.
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Maybe they ll call in.
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SPEAKER_00
I rode it as a kid.
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And what s great is it would hit that top speed, which by the way, back then was like 60.
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I think that thing went 60 miles an hour, but it went 60 as it was kind of spiraling down into the ground in a tunnel.
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It was such an exciting ride.
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SPEAKER_01
Yes.
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And it was wood.
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So just kind of shake you and then you d have bruises for the next five weeks or so.
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You earned it.
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SPEAKER_01
Yes, he did.
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When I was growing up, my dad was a railroad conductor.
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So our vacations would take place amusement parks or camping in Myrtle beach.
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Last night I talked to my father, my brother and sister, because I have to preface by saying, I need to look at their recollections and mine.
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Cause this took place in the early nineties.
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And as a prosecutor, you know how useless humans memories are, right?
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You deal with this daily, which is like four people have a completely different memory of the same event.
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Eyewitness testimony, not that great.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it s crazy.
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But this was probably 1990.
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My dad had planned a trip for us, or probably my mom if I m being realistic, had planned a trip for us to go to Kings Island.
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So excited.
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I mean, I m just thinking elephant ears, funnel cake, fruity drinks, and those Flintstones.
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SPEAKER_00
Did they do deep fried cheese there, cheese on a stick?
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SPEAKER_01
I don t remember that.
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SPEAKER_01
I was more into like the donut type stuff.
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SPEAKER_00
Sure, sure, the funnel options.
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So good.
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And so I remember walking through those gates, 10 or 11 years old.
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I ve got my older sister, younger brother, my dad, my mom.
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And I think we went on one ride, like maybe the scrambler.
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And then my sister wanted to go on.
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Do you remember the slide that was really big and you had to put on something that looked like a potato sack?
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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And it has like lumps along the way as you re going down.
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SPEAKER_01
Exactly.
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And it was fiberglass and it burn your skin and give you blisters and shit.
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SPEAKER_01
I think you ve been on one before.
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SPEAKER_01
Yes.
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My brother was very young, so he went with my mother.
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I had my own potato sack and then my sister and my dad, we re ready, excited.
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SPEAKER_01
It s a nice hot day.
1
SPEAKER_01
We take off.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I, for some reason, I m going slower than the others.
1
SPEAKER_01
Then I remember picking up speed and I recall my bag flipping to the side in my head, hitting the little arrow that was in my lane.
1
SPEAKER_01
So when my left turned and it hit it.
1
SPEAKER_01
kind of exploded on impact and ripped off my eyelid.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh my God.
1
SPEAKER_01
What?
1
SPEAKER_03
Wait, your eyelid exploded?
1
SPEAKER_00
I thought you were hitting your brow ridge and then that cut like a boxer, but your eyelid.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_01
My eyelid hit, we re not sure if it was maybe a screw or a bolt.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh.
1
SPEAKER_03
Oh, my God.
1
SPEAKER_03
How do any of these amusement parks?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I wonder what the liability policy actually looks like.
1
SPEAKER_01
I mean, we re in the 90s, so they re just like, so my story gets better about what they did and did not do.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
So you make impact.
1
SPEAKER_00
Can you feel immediately there s trouble or are you unaware of what just happened?
1
SPEAKER_01
I am unaware and I kind of stop and I look down and there s blood everywhere.
1
SPEAKER_01
All down my shirt.
1
SPEAKER_03
What if you saw your eyelid just like on your knee?
1
SPEAKER_00
Like a foreskin that s been just cut off by a moil.
1
SPEAKER_01
So what I recall, I look up and I see my mother running towards me screaming.
1
SPEAKER_01
She s yelling, blood, someone s yelling, get some ice, I think.
1
SPEAKER_01
I think they re yelling this.
1
SPEAKER_01
because from what I m told later on, a piece of my eyelid is still there.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, dangling.
1
SPEAKER_01
Up on the slide, or dangling.
1
SPEAKER_01
On the slide.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, on the slide.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yes, it s on the slide, like a piece of it.
1
SPEAKER_01
And so they had to put it in ice and then give it to us to go to the hospital.
1
SPEAKER_04
Oh my God.
1
SPEAKER_01
So I recall the inner part right there.
1
SPEAKER_01
I sent a picture in yesterday because I had a lovely picture of it in my scrapbook.
1
SPEAKER_01
So I m going down the slide.
1
SPEAKER_01
I remember that happened.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then minutes later, a little golf cart pulls up, puts the whole family in there and takes us to their little emergency place.
1
SPEAKER_01
According to my dad, they wrote out directions to the hospital.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
Turn left when you see the big oak tree.
1
SPEAKER_01
He did not call an ambulance.
1
SPEAKER_01
My mom s screaming.
1
SPEAKER_01
My dad s yelling and it s just pandemonium.
1
SPEAKER_01
And so they take the golf cart.
1
SPEAKER_01
We go find our round paneled minivan that everybody else has in the nineties.
1
SPEAKER_01
I remember my mom holding a towel to my head and blood everywhere.
1
SPEAKER_00
Have you at all been blinking and realizing, Oh, when I blink, I can still see light.
1
SPEAKER_01
I do not recollect that.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_01
My mom was holding something over this eye, so I couldn t tell.
1
SPEAKER_01
We get to the hospital.
1
SPEAKER_01
I go in and they stitch me up and they are able to reattach my eyelid.
1
SPEAKER_01
There s a thin line that s right there.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s about it.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m shocked that that took.
1
SPEAKER_01
I am too.
1
SPEAKER_00
That you didn t reject or it hadn t died enough on the ride.
1
SPEAKER_00
It had been on the fucking public slide.
2
SPEAKER_03
So many reasons why that should have worked or minimally, it would look like you have a huge weld across your eyelid, which is not the case either.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_00
I talked to my brother yesterday and he was really young.
2
SPEAKER_00
He s probably four or five.
2
SPEAKER_00
And he said, I just remember being on a golf cart.
2
SPEAKER_00
And then my sister said, I remember that the day was ruined.
2
SPEAKER_00
The second ride, we had to go to the hospital all day.
2
SPEAKER_00
She said that they got everything from the vending machine that my dad was trying to make up for it.
2
SPEAKER_00
Now, my dad is the best.
2
SPEAKER_00
In his 70s, he s just hilarious.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I called him and I said, Dad, do you remember anything from that day?
2
SPEAKER_00
He s like, I sure do.
2
SPEAKER_00
He said, cocaine.
2
SPEAKER_00
He said, the doctor told me that they put liquid cocaine on your eye.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, sure.
2
SPEAKER_00
I said, I don t know if I believe that.
2
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
2
SPEAKER_00
He said they did.
2
SPEAKER_00
No, they took it out.
2
SPEAKER_00
It was like nail polish and they were rubbing on it, said that it was for the pain and to numb it.
2
SPEAKER_03
I totally believe medicinal cocaine.
2
SPEAKER_03
The Germans had perfected it, made it 100 percent pure.
2
SPEAKER_03
And it was used as a local anesthetic.
2
SPEAKER_03
So it numbs whatever it goes on top of.
2
SPEAKER_03
And they use it a ton in dentistry.
2
SPEAKER_03
And I could definitely see them using it on the eyeball in Ohio hospital.
2
SPEAKER_03
I think that s possible.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, it would be a weird thing for him to make up.
2
SPEAKER_03
And I know they use cocaine as a local anesthetic.
2
SPEAKER_03
So I m leaning towards believing your father.
2
SPEAKER_00
I don t think he has any reason to make that up.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I m like, yeah, I don t know if that s true.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like, Oh, it is.
2
SPEAKER_00
I remember cause I was concerned that maybe drugs might become an issue.
2
SPEAKER_03
You re going to get addicted to cocaine from these drops on your eyes.
2
SPEAKER_03
Mind you, they also gave you morphine or something probably too, but he wasn t worried about that.
2
SPEAKER_00
My mom passed away in 97, so I wasn t able to talk with her.
2
SPEAKER_00
He said that she was just yelling that she wanted a plastic surgeon because I was going to have a droopy eye.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, sure.
2
SPEAKER_00
I said, but was anybody concerned about maybe my vision?
2
SPEAKER_00
It was the 90s.
2
SPEAKER_00
Your mom was concerned you d have a droopy eye.
2
SPEAKER_00
Of course.
2
SPEAKER_03
You re just your looks.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s all we cared about in the 90s.
2
SPEAKER_03
And then what was the response from the theme park?
2
SPEAKER_00
So someone showed up from the theme park and they gave me a pink T-shirt with my name embroidered over the chest.
2
SPEAKER_03
Not even a season pass.
2
SPEAKER_00
No, they offer tickets to come back the next day.
2
SPEAKER_00
I was like, we re not coming back.
2
SPEAKER_00
We re in the hospital.
2
SPEAKER_03
Well, she wants to stop buying her the other eyelid just to make everything even.
2
SPEAKER_03
Here s some tickets.
2
SPEAKER_03
I texted you the photo.
2
SPEAKER_00
My dad s railroad insurance paid for all the medical bills.
2
SPEAKER_00
Kings Island did not pay for anything.
2
SPEAKER_00
I got a pink t-shirt.
2
SPEAKER_03
Okay, so we just got the photo and I can confirm that, yeah, you clearly have some major eyelid damage.
2
SPEAKER_03
You look happy though, if I m being honest.
2
SPEAKER_00
Do you see the t-shirt that has Megan down in the corner?
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, that s the shirt.
2
SPEAKER_03
So you were pretty pumped.
2
SPEAKER_02
Wow, that s great.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh my God, you ll wish this shirt said, I got my eyelid ripped off at King s Island and all I got was this stupid shirt.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s what this shirt should have said.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, Megan.
2
SPEAKER_03
That was great.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m glad that you have healed up so nicely.
2
SPEAKER_00
Thank you so much for having me.
2
SPEAKER_00
I really appreciate it.
2
SPEAKER_03
That was really fun.
2
SPEAKER_03
Have a great day and thanks for telling us that.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_02
Bye bye.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I would have all the things to have ripped off like a nail or yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
I ve had some major skin rips on those fiberglass.
2
SPEAKER_03
Have you been down one of those slides?
2
SPEAKER_03
When you go on the potato sack?
2
SPEAKER_02
I can t remember.
2
SPEAKER_03
There s a wild one on Belle Isle.
2
SPEAKER_03
There s a lot of viral videos.
2
SPEAKER_03
It s the most dangerous thing in the world.
2
SPEAKER_03
And it s just a public, like there s not even someone monitoring it yet.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh my God.
2
SPEAKER_03
Hello.
2
SPEAKER_03
Hi Connor.
2
SPEAKER_03
How are you?
2
SPEAKER_03
I m fabulous.
2
SPEAKER_03
You live in a cold climate.
2
SPEAKER_03
I see there s lots of winter jackets behind you.
2
SPEAKER_03
Cleveland, Ohio.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, wonderful.
2
SPEAKER_03
We are in the Midwest today.
2
SPEAKER_03
Our first call was in Michigan.
2
SPEAKER_03
Our second was in Indy.
2
SPEAKER_03
And now we re in Columbus, Ohio.
2
SPEAKER_03
I love that.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_03
The tri-state area.
2
SPEAKER_03
The chair you re sitting on is very Midwest.
2
SPEAKER_03
Thank you so much.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_03
Monica, you know, she s got her misgivings about this chair, but yeah, I think if you re from the tri-state area, this looks very much like something your grandma was New York, New Jersey.
2
SPEAKER_03
I think you can call any three states, the tri-state area.
2
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, I think that s probably right.
2
SPEAKER_04
They re all the same place.
2
SPEAKER_03
They are right.
2
SPEAKER_03
We try to act like there s some difference, but when I m in Ohio, I m like, if you told me as Michigan, of course it is.
2
SPEAKER_03
Cleveland is very similar to Detroit, in my opinion.
2
SPEAKER_04
It is, and my boyfriend s actually from Detroit.
2
SPEAKER_03
He feels at home in Cleveland, I bet.
2
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, they re like the same city.
2
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
Okay, so then clearly your story s gonna take place at Cedar Point.
2
SPEAKER_03
Of course it is.
2
SPEAKER_02
Wow, two Cedar Points.
2
SPEAKER_03
This is a real feather in the cap.
2
SPEAKER_02
I mean, look, I have to say, not boating well for your tri-state area that all of these bad stories, because there s a lot of amusement parks in the South and in Florida, and so far we haven t had any of those.
2
SPEAKER_03
I take pride in that.
2
SPEAKER_03
Do you Connor?
2
SPEAKER_03
I like that.
2
SPEAKER_04
Oh, absolutely.
2
SPEAKER_04
I like a little controversy that comes along with an amusement park amusement park.
2
SPEAKER_03
You go to, you don t want to see a sign that s like voted America s safest amusement park.
2
SPEAKER_03
Cause you re like, well, this is going to be boring.
2
100%.
2
SPEAKER_04
And you know, we re also known for our state fairs in Ohio, which are notoriously dangerous.
2
SPEAKER_04
So I just like the danger all the way around.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s the thing is if you re comparing the safety record to any of these amusement parks to fucking state fairs that roll through town, I mean, those things are truly Russian roulette.
2
SPEAKER_03
They really are.
2
SPEAKER_03
So walk us through it.
2
SPEAKER_03
What year, what was the scene?
2
SPEAKER_03
What happened?
2
SPEAKER_04
So mine actually takes place at the water park.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh my God.
2
SPEAKER_02
I hope it s E. coli.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, it s not E. coli.
2
SPEAKER_04
It was 1999.
2
SPEAKER_04
That was about eight years old.
2
SPEAKER_04
And we used to go to Cedar point all the time.
2
SPEAKER_04
I m an hour away.
2
SPEAKER_04
And when I was younger, we d go up there for the weekend and stay at the breakers hotel.
2
SPEAKER_04
If you re familiar, they re right on the water.
2
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_03
I never got to stay at a hotel there.
2
SPEAKER_03
I always wanted to, cause you can see them from the top of the silver streak, but I m before the water park.
2
SPEAKER_03
So I ve never been to the water park.
2
SPEAKER_03
Is it spectacular?
2
SPEAKER_03
It s okay.
2
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_04
It s actually kind of a letdown considering at Cedar point.
2
SPEAKER_04
We would feel very, very bougie.
2
SPEAKER_04
Like I grew up in kind of just middle class.
2
SPEAKER_04
So if you re staying at the breakers, like at school, you were going to the Taj Mahal at Cedar point.
2
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, just to give you a picture of what kind of a trip this would be for us.
2
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_04
On this day, it was really, really packed.
2
SPEAKER_04
I was with my mom.
2
SPEAKER_04
I have a little brother and my dad.
2
SPEAKER_04
And it would always be us four who go.
2
SPEAKER_04
I rode roller coasters from a young age, starting at Geauga Lake, which is in Aurora, Ohio, which was later Six Flags and now closed.
2
SPEAKER_04
But I always wanted to do things by myself.
2
SPEAKER_04
So at this particular water park, me and my mom were together.
2
SPEAKER_04
And, you know, at water parks, they have like a chain of slides.
2
SPEAKER_04
You climb up like four or five stories and there s like multiple slides.
2
SPEAKER_04
So I begged my mom to let me go by myself up the stairs, grab my own tube.
2
SPEAKER_04
This was going to be a tube slide.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, I love those.
2
SPEAKER_03
They re so fun.
2
SPEAKER_03
Like one of the donut tubes.
2
SPEAKER_03
Can we just take one second?
2
SPEAKER_03
To me, the scariest part of these water parks is the wet staircase you re climbing up into the sky.
2
SPEAKER_03
Like the slide is nothing.
2
SPEAKER_03
It s that crazy staircase climb up in heavy, heavy traffic with everyone holding these oversized donuts and bumping into each other.
2
SPEAKER_03
That was scary.
2
SPEAKER_01
There s so much bumping.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
You think you re going to fall backwards down a wet cement staircase.
2
SPEAKER_01
Such a universal experience.
2
SPEAKER_03
It s just like the most American thing ever.
2
SPEAKER_02
It is.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh my God.
2
SPEAKER_02
We got to send David to a water park.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh my God.
2
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_04
I would love that.
2
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, okay.
2
SPEAKER_04
Send him to kind of like a half abandoned water park in like the middle of Florida or something.
2
SPEAKER_04
So yeah, so my mom probably begrudgingly lets me go up to the top of the slide.
2
SPEAKER_04
They use a red light, green light system.
2
SPEAKER_04
So there s the stoplight at the top and then I m assuming some lifeguard at the bottom presses a button and it gives you a green light and that s how you know to go.
2
SPEAKER_03
Right.
2
SPEAKER_04
Well, today they weren t using that system because it was so crowded.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh.
2
SPEAKER_03
That seems like the time you d most want to use it, but continue.
2
SPEAKER_04
So none of it makes sense.
2
SPEAKER_04
I m like eight years old.
2
SPEAKER_04
I probably weigh 100 pounds.
2
SPEAKER_04
Very small.
2
SPEAKER_04
And I get in my tube and off I go down the slide and this slide is open.
2
SPEAKER_04
And then there s parts of it that are like pitch black and closed in like a tube.
2
SPEAKER_04
So when you re going through those, you can t see where you re going.
2
SPEAKER_04
I get into a pitch black part of the tube and my tube stops in the middle of the slide.
2
SPEAKER_04
And I just cannot go.
2
SPEAKER_04
Oh, my God.
2
SPEAKER_04
It s not just like a little water slide at like a hotel.
2
SPEAKER_04
It s like a big water slide.
2
SPEAKER_03
You re going 25, 30 miles an hour down this thing.
2
SPEAKER_04
One hundred percent.
2
SPEAKER_04
And I m freaking out.
2
SPEAKER_04
Oh, I later threw context clues like, how did I get stuck?
2
SPEAKER_04
It s because my little butt at the time I was so little wasn t reaching the water underneath.
2
SPEAKER_03
Right, it wasn t concaving the tube enough, and it s just riding on the sides of the dry tube.
2
SPEAKER_04
Height requirement, weight requirement, those were obviously out the window.
2
SPEAKER_04
It s the late 90s, like no one really cared about anything.
2
SPEAKER_03
And Connor, I have a 9 and a 10 year old, let me just say, you weren t 100 pounds, you were 60 pounds.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s what an 8 year old weighs.
2
SPEAKER_04
a
3
SPEAKER_01
like hear the water rushing underneath me like someone s coming down oh my god and i turn around and a not exaggerating 350 375 pound man very large probably six five six six like just a ginormous human being a wrestler from wwe is barreling down the slide
3
SPEAKER_01
runs into me obviously there s nowhere else to go i kind of black out from there but my mom recalls from the bottom she sees me go in the slide and then just sees this man come out because you can like see the top of the side oh my god never saw me come out oh my god this is so stressful she sees this man come out i am
3
SPEAKER_01
underneath him in the water passed out no i wasn t passed out i was just like underneath him like i rode underneath him the rest of the way down the water slide oh my god a little tiny child yeah he was using me as a tube so to give you a little background of what my mom was like half italian half irish take control don t fuck with me
3
SPEAKER_01
kind of woman.
3
SPEAKER_01
She wore the pants in a family like my mom was the one you were scared of.
3
SPEAKER_01
So she s at the bottom and they all run in the water, the lifeguards, everyone.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s this huge commotion on this crowded day.
3
SPEAKER_01
They dive in and get me out because this guy, he s a bigger guy, so he can t really maneuver.
3
SPEAKER_01
So I m just like underneath him in the water.
3
SPEAKER_01
But he knows you are.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yes, because we locked eyes before he ran into me.
3
SPEAKER_01
It was one of those moments where you re like, this is happening and there s nothing either of us can do about it.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
Disaster is eminent.
3
SPEAKER_01
So they get me out from underneath him.
3
SPEAKER_01
My back s like all red and scratchy.
3
SPEAKER_02
Those tubes are connected.
3
SPEAKER_02
they re modular, and every place they connect it, there s a seam, and that always scratches you.
3
SPEAKER_02
And that s why you re on an inner tube instead of going down raw dog.
3
SPEAKER_02
But now you re raw dog with 300 pounds on you.
3
SPEAKER_02
It had to, like, cheese grate it.
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh my God, I m surprised you survived this.
3
SPEAKER_01
As raw dog as they come, and not the fun kind of raw dog.
3
SPEAKER_01
Right, right, not the intimate kind.
3
SPEAKER_01
When I was telling my boyfriend that I was gonna be on the show, I did tell him that I would make the joke that it wouldn t be the last time I was underneath a really big man.
3
SPEAKER_02
You might be reenacting that trauma.
3
SPEAKER_01
I have considered that.
3
SPEAKER_01
Anyway, so my mom gets me out from underneath him.
3
SPEAKER_01
The guy and his mother, for some reason, he was with his mom.
3
SPEAKER_03
What?
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh, no.
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh, this is getting so weird.
3
SPEAKER_01
This is very Ohio.
3
SPEAKER_03
It s the most Ohio thing in the world.
3
SPEAKER_01
He s apologizing like he feels horrible.
3
SPEAKER_01
My mom is in the lifeguard s face.
3
SPEAKER_01
They told us they weren t using the system that day, the red light, green light system.
3
SPEAKER_01
I called my dad because I didn t remember.
3
SPEAKER_01
I mean, this story has been passed down through my family for years.
3
SPEAKER_01
We ended up going to the back and hanging out with
3
SPEAKER_01
The people who like run the water park and I asked my dad, did we get like a free pass?
3
SPEAKER_01
They didn t give us a free pass.
3
SPEAKER_01
They said they gave me some like snacks and a juice box.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh my God.
3
SPEAKER_03
You d think they d want some hush money.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
Well, to comfort you though, Connor, the last person we talked to lost her eyelid on one of those slides and they gave her a fucking shirt.
3
SPEAKER_02
They gave her a shirt with her name and they didn t even give her a season s pass.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I think we re under the assumption now that Cedar point, considering their most recent scandal with what happened with Top Thrill Dragster.
3
SPEAKER_01
I just don t think they care very much.
3
SPEAKER_01
What happened there?
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, that s why they rebuilt the ride and they re opening it new this year.
3
SPEAKER_01
Top Thrill 2 because a piece fell off and hit someone in the head and almost killed him.
3
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_02
Well, these things are going to happen.
3
SPEAKER_01
So they closed it down and now it has a launch track on the back too.
3
SPEAKER_01
And it s opening this year.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh, exciting.
3
SPEAKER_02
Will you be first one on.
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t know first one, but I ll be there.
3
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_02
That s great.
3
SPEAKER_02
I do wonder if there s a chart in back in the break room that says like drowned by big guy snacks, you know, all the way up to like, I wonder if like lose a limb and seasons pass for three.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yes, exactly.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s one of those scenarios where I like, does this guy tell this story to everyone that he encounters too?
3
SPEAKER_01
Or is this just something I tell?
3
SPEAKER_02
Maybe he s a listener, or maybe his mom is.
3
SPEAKER_02
Well, Connor, this has been delightful.
3
SPEAKER_02
God, did it take me back to Cedar Point.
3
SPEAKER_02
The clientele.
3
SPEAKER_02
It s hysterical you would stay at Breakers because you re like 45 minutes from home.
3
SPEAKER_02
It s so opulent.
3
SPEAKER_02
No one needs to spend the night when you live in Cleveland.
3
SPEAKER_01
That s what you do.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s just the bougie thing to do.
3
SPEAKER_02
We lived in Detroit and we never spent the night.
3
SPEAKER_02
You had a two and a half hour car ride after your full day at the park with my grandpa falling asleep and rubbing spit in his eyes to stay awake and drinking coffee.
3
SPEAKER_01
I think that was the best vacation we could take without my parents having to spend like a large amount of time with us in a car.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
So like, we re just going to do this this way.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
It s almost a staycation, I guess.
3
SPEAKER_02
Of sorts.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
All right.
3
SPEAKER_02
Well, Connor, this has been delightful.
3
SPEAKER_02
It s so fun meeting you.
3
SPEAKER_01
I do want to say one thing real quick, Dex.
3
SPEAKER_01
I ve been listening to you for a while.
3
SPEAKER_01
I m also a friend of Bill W. If I make it till tomorrow, I ll have six years clean and sober.
3
SPEAKER_01
So I thought it was such a crazy happenstance, but real quick to my boyfriend s listener and he wants to say hi.
3
SPEAKER_01
Of course.
3
SPEAKER_01
Get him in here.
3
SPEAKER_03
Hello.
3
SPEAKER_03
Hey guys.
3
SPEAKER_03
Hello.
3
SPEAKER_03
I m a relatively new listener.
3
SPEAKER_02
Welcome.
3
SPEAKER_03
We appreciate it.
3
SPEAKER_02
Your muscularity is very appealing.
3
SPEAKER_02
You ve got a very strong, sturdy look.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s a good adjective, sturdy.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m going to use that.
3
SPEAKER_02
That s how the gays do it, Dex.
3
SPEAKER_02
And where are you from?
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh, I know.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m just one click away.
3
SPEAKER_02
Where are you from in Michigan?
3
SPEAKER_01
Birmingham.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh, wonderful.
3
SPEAKER_02
That s bougie.
3
SPEAKER_02
We were speaking of bougie-ness.
3
SPEAKER_02
When you would go to Cedar point as a kid, would you guys spend the night at breakers or would you drive your ass all the way back up to Birmingham?
3
SPEAKER_02
Back to Birmingham.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
Right.
3
SPEAKER_02
These fucking Clevelanders are so opulent.
3
SPEAKER_01
I didn t even know you could say that.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
None of us Michiganders.
3
SPEAKER_02
Our parents didn t let us know that there were hotels.
3
SPEAKER_02
Well, it s nice meeting both of you.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s such a delight.
3
SPEAKER_02
All right.
3
SPEAKER_02
Take care, guys.
3
SPEAKER_01
Bye.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh, that was so fun.
3
SPEAKER_01
I thought that was gonna make me cute.
3
SPEAKER_02
Between me and Connor?
3
SPEAKER_01
No, the eight-year-old and us.
3
SPEAKER_02
He was with his mom.
3
SPEAKER_02
California is so misleading.
3
SPEAKER_02
Everywhere else in the country, like 45-year-old guys do go to water parks with their moms.
3
SPEAKER_03
Um, no.
3
SPEAKER_03
I don t know anyone that I know in the South going to water parks with their moms.
3
SPEAKER_02
Was the mom watching the boy come down the thing?
3
SPEAKER_02
I m sure.
3
SPEAKER_02
That wasn t your fault, Tim.
3
SPEAKER_02
I don t know why that little boy stuck himself in that tube.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh, God.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, water parks, I m surprised there aren t more.
3
SPEAKER_02
Well, maybe Danielle will be.
3
SPEAKER_02
E. coli.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
Here s Danielle.
3
SPEAKER_02
You re hot for E. coli.
3
SPEAKER_03
Hello.
3
SPEAKER_03
Hello.
3
SPEAKER_00
Uh-oh.
3
SPEAKER_02
Can t hear you.
3
SPEAKER_02
We can just barely hear you for some reason.
3
SPEAKER_00
Uh-oh, hold on.
3
SPEAKER_02
We re gonna need Rob to intervene.
3
SPEAKER_02
What s your theory on why we can barely hear?
3
SPEAKER_02
Do you have headphones in?
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t.
3
SPEAKER_00
Is that not gonna work?
3
SPEAKER_02
It makes the audio tricky.
3
SPEAKER_02
Is there anyone you think might have earbuds that you could borrow?
3
SPEAKER_00
Unfortunately, everyone s teaching right now.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m at my school.
3
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_02
We ll get what we can get.
3
SPEAKER_02
Where are you teaching?
3
SPEAKER_00
I m in Fairfax, Virginia.
3
SPEAKER_02
Okay, we ve had three Midwests in a row, and I m glad we ve gone over to Virginia.
3
SPEAKER_02
It s not like we went to California or... But we don t know where the actual amusement park is.
3
SPEAKER_02
That s true, we don t know.
3
SPEAKER_00
Well, it s actually near Buffalo, which is where I m originally from.
3
SPEAKER_02
Okay, what was the big amusement park there?
3
SPEAKER_00
Darien Lake, like a Six Flags.
3
SPEAKER_02
Was it good size?
3
SPEAKER_02
Have you been to other amusement parks?
3
SPEAKER_02
How does it compare?
3
SPEAKER_00
I would say it s smaller than a Cedar Point, but it s got all the things.
3
SPEAKER_00
It has a water park.
3
SPEAKER_00
It has the regular park.
3
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_02
You ve been to Cedar Point, though?
3
SPEAKER_00
I have.
3
SPEAKER_02
Well, wonderful, because two of our three stories so far took place at Cedar Point.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, that s so funny.
3
SPEAKER_02
Okay, but this is Buffalo.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_00
So this was about 16 years ago.
3
SPEAKER_00
I was 14 years old.
3
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_00
My dad s work every year had like a family fun day.
3
SPEAKER_00
So we all went and he said, bring a friend.
3
SPEAKER_00
So I brought my friend Mariah and he goes, you re old enough.
3
SPEAKER_00
You guys can go around, have fun.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then at the end of the day, we ll all meet at the Ferris wheel.
3
SPEAKER_02
Is that your first time ever being on your own at an amusement park?
3
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_00
It was the first time alone.
3
SPEAKER_02
And this is eighth grade, so you re on the scan for boys every five seconds?
3
SPEAKER_00
Kind of, but we were also goody two-shoes, so maybe too nervous to talk to the boys, but definitely had our eyes peeled.
3
SPEAKER_02
My favorite part of going in junior high was all you were doing is looking in line.
3
SPEAKER_02
Like, is there a cute girl?
3
SPEAKER_02
And then if you were in the frame, oh my God, look how hot that girl is.
3
SPEAKER_02
And every time you came through the turnstile, you d try to make eye contact.
3
SPEAKER_02
It was so fun.
3
SPEAKER_00
I mean, those were the days.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it was hot out.
3
SPEAKER_00
So we re like, let s go to the water park first thing, cool off, and then we ll do all the rides.
3
SPEAKER_00
So I m wearing a one piece, which is crucial.
3
SPEAKER_00
We go in and I said, let s go in the wave pool.
3
SPEAKER_00
And Mariah was like, I m not going in there.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s gross.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like, fine, I ll go by myself.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m trying to prove a point.
3
SPEAKER_00
So I go in, I m like splashing around, the waves are crashing over.
3
SPEAKER_00
And after a few minutes,
4
SPEAKER_02
moment I realized that there s like an old gentleman in like a speedo following me around.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh boy.
4
SPEAKER_00
And what s old?
4
SPEAKER_00
Like what do we think?
4
SPEAKER_00
Is this a 70 year old or a 50 year old or a 30 year old?
4
SPEAKER_02
Probably 70.
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh.
4
SPEAKER_02
I was just kind of like not so fun anymore.
4
SPEAKER_02
I tried to prove my point.
4
SPEAKER_02
I ll get out.
4
SPEAKER_02
So when I get out of the wave pool,
4
SPEAKER_02
all the lifeguards blow the whistles to make everybody get out.
4
SPEAKER_02
I didn t think too much of it.
4
SPEAKER_02
It was a lot of people in there and we re like safety check, normal, whatever.
4
SPEAKER_00
Just to remind people who have not been to a wave pool, this happens a lot.
4
SPEAKER_00
In fact, Monica and I were just in India talking about wave pools and how I think they were the scariest thing I ever did as a kid.
4
SPEAKER_00
Because when you got to the deep end, it was like, and they would blow that whistle and everyone had to get out.
4
SPEAKER_00
Someone was drowning every 45 minutes.
4
SPEAKER_02
Exactly.
4
SPEAKER_02
So that s what I thought.
4
SPEAKER_02
It s probably just a safety check.
4
SPEAKER_02
Let s go.
4
SPEAKER_02
So when I meet up with Mariah at our place where we put all our towels, all of a sudden the whole place smelled like poop.
4
SPEAKER_02
I think I might get my wish.
4
SPEAKER_02
It was overwhelming, and we were like, that s nasty, let s go.
4
SPEAKER_00
But you were by your locker, so you re by the bathrooms as well, maybe?
4
SPEAKER_02
Right, we re kind of in that space where you can collect your things before you head out to the main park.
4
SPEAKER_02
So we throw our clothes on over our bathing suits.
4
SPEAKER_02
Now, I was wearing my bathing suit as clothes.
4
SPEAKER_02
It had a skirt attachment, so I just put a shirt on over it.
4
SPEAKER_02
And we re going on rides.
4
SPEAKER_02
We re standing in line.
4
SPEAKER_02
It is hot out.
4
SPEAKER_02
We re baking incense.
4
SPEAKER_02
And the smell is just not going away.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s getting worse.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I keep bringing it up because it s nasty.
4
SPEAKER_02
Mariah is acting so strange.
4
SPEAKER_02
I m like, don t you smell that?
4
SPEAKER_02
And she s like,
4
SPEAKER_02
No, I don t smell anything.
4
SPEAKER_02
I don t smell anything.
4
SPEAKER_02
At this point, we had been friends for years.
4
SPEAKER_02
Like, we knew each other since we were four.
4
SPEAKER_02
So I m like, what is going on?
4
SPEAKER_02
Now, if Mariah were here, this is where she would pipe in and say, Danielle smelled so bad.
4
SPEAKER_02
And everybody was looking at us.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh my God.
4
SPEAKER_00
I pray this is going where I think it s going.
4
SPEAKER_02
And so I m just annoyed with her because she s acting weird.
4
SPEAKER_02
We go to like one of those indoor Cirque de Soleil kind of 30 minute warehouse shows.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I mean, it s packed in there and there s just a circle of empty seats around us.
4
SPEAKER_02
Poor Mariah.
4
SPEAKER_00
A good friend.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, a really good friend.
4
SPEAKER_00
Or a bad friend, I can t.
4
SPEAKER_00
No, good friend.
4
SPEAKER_02
So her thought is either Danielle crapped herself and she knows it and she s lying about it, which she doesn t know what to do about that.
4
SPEAKER_00
Right, you join your delusion or be a good friend and keep up this lie.
4
SPEAKER_02
Her other thought is, I don t know, but she also doesn t really know what to do about that situation.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s a lot for a 14-year-old to figure out.
4
SPEAKER_02
We re in there for 30 minutes inside with all these people.
4
SPEAKER_02
And afterward, when we come out, you know, it s been about six hours since we ve been in the water park.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I m like, you know, I have to pee.
4
SPEAKER_02
So let s start heading towards the Ferris wheel and let s find a bathroom.
4
SPEAKER_02
And Mariah was like, great.
4
SPEAKER_02
Okay, this is it.
4
SPEAKER_02
And so we get there and I m thinking, I m just going to go in there to pee.
4
SPEAKER_00
Sure.
4
SPEAKER_02
So I go in there.
4
SPEAKER_02
And if you remember, I m wearing a one piece.
4
SPEAKER_02
So I like had to pull the whole thing down.
4
SPEAKER_00
What color is the one piece?
4
SPEAKER_02
It was floral.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, that s helpful.
4
SPEAKER_00
Printed.
4
SPEAKER_02
Inside of the suit and all over my torso, my body, was poop.
4
SPEAKER_01
Covered in it.
4
SPEAKER_00
Diarrhea?
4
SPEAKER_01
Smeared everywhere, but it s not mine.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, exactly.
4
SPEAKER_01
Wait.
4
SPEAKER_01
Exactly, I knew.
4
SPEAKER_00
Wait, it s not yours?
4
SPEAKER_01
No, wave pool.
4
SPEAKER_01
There s poops always in wave pools.
4
SPEAKER_00
But how the fuck did it get up inside your one piece?
4
SPEAKER_02
because she was floating in the wave pool.
4
SPEAKER_02
The theory is that it like came down through like the top of my beanie too.
4
SPEAKER_02
Your cleavage?
4
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh my god.
4
SPEAKER_00
Entered through the cleavage and landed on the torso.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh my god.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I see it, it s everywhere.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
You re covered in shit.
4
SPEAKER_02
and I just cried.
4
SPEAKER_02
But it s the end of the day at a Six Flags, so there s no toilet paper, none of the sinks are working.
4
SPEAKER_00
Also, how are you gonna clean your torso in a sink?
4
SPEAKER_02
I had to put the suit back on because I didn t have any clothes.
4
SPEAKER_02
This is a true nightmare.
4
SPEAKER_00
A true American nightmare.
4
SPEAKER_02
Were you screaming for Mariah?
4
SPEAKER_02
Well, I kind of was, but she couldn t hear me because there s so many people outside.
4
SPEAKER_02
So I run out there and I m crying and she s like, well, what s wrong?
4
SPEAKER_02
And she says, I know, like, don t worry, I ll never tell anybody.
4
SPEAKER_02
I m like, what are you talking about?
4
SPEAKER_02
What do you know?
4
SPEAKER_02
And so I m sitting there for a minute, still crying, wondering why she s acting like this, and then I realize she thinks it s me, that I did it.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yes, well, as did I, listening to the story.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m like, oh, you shit yourself and didn t feel it in the big waves.
4
SPEAKER_01
This isn t like you though, because you re so good at context clues and that making everyone get out of the wave pool is obviously there s been a huge accident.
4
SPEAKER_00
But that could have been her accident.
4
SPEAKER_01
How many people do we think shit all over themselves and don t know it?
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, how many people walk around for six hours with shit all over themselves and don t know it either?
4
SPEAKER_00
I mean, you re comparing a bad option to a bad option.
4
SPEAKER_00
I know.
4
SPEAKER_02
My theory is that because my suit was damp, that s why.
4
SPEAKER_02
And also when you smell poop and you know you didn t do it, your first thought is not, let me look.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, exactly.
4
SPEAKER_00
That s very fair.
4
SPEAKER_00
You re thinking, well, I know I didn t just shit.
4
SPEAKER_00
I would have felt it.
4
SPEAKER_00
Although we don t know, the wave pool is very distracting.
4
SPEAKER_02
I think we would, but yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
But, you know, crazier things have happened.
4
SPEAKER_02
I was like, it isn t mine.
4
SPEAKER_02
And then she loses it.
4
SPEAKER_02
She s cracking up.
4
SPEAKER_02
She was like, oh my gosh, you ve smelled so bad.
4
SPEAKER_00
And also the shit smells worse when it s not yours.
4
SPEAKER_00
Of course, yes.
4
SPEAKER_00
If it s your own, you re like, yeah, well.
4
SPEAKER_01
That s why you would kind of know it was yours.
4
SPEAKER_00
Would ya?
4
SPEAKER_01
I think so.
4
SPEAKER_00
How did you handle the car ride?
4
SPEAKER_00
And when you got to the Ferris wheel, did you tell your dad like, I m covered in shit, have been all day?
4
SPEAKER_02
We re like at the Ferris wheel, basically, and my parents see me, and they re like, what are you crying about?
4
SPEAKER_02
And I told them the whole thing, and I like, show my mom, and she was like.
4
SPEAKER_02
And we tried to do like a sponge bath, but you still have to wear it home.
4
SPEAKER_02
So it was a lot.
4
SPEAKER_02
Why didn t your mom buy you some clothes?
4
SPEAKER_02
They have clothes there.
4
SPEAKER_02
You know, that would be a great idea.
4
SPEAKER_02
I haven t ever thought of that.
4
SPEAKER_02
Why didn t she buy me clothes on the way out?
4
SPEAKER_02
But yeah, we drove home with the windows open and it was a very quiet car ride.
4
SPEAKER_02
My brother and sister were dying.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
This is like a Christmas gift for the rest of the family.
4
SPEAKER_01
I ll ask the question that you want to ask.
4
SPEAKER_01
Do you think it got in your lady parts?
4
SPEAKER_02
It stopped kind of right at around like the gut area.
4
SPEAKER_02
More just like chest, gut, sides.
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh, because that could be E. coli.
4
SPEAKER_00
Surely.
4
SPEAKER_00
You re lucky you didn t get E. coli.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
So I showered a lot, bathing suit was no more, and I don t go in wave pools anymore.
4
SPEAKER_02
It s best to not go in those.
4
SPEAKER_00
I don t even see them much anymore.
4
SPEAKER_00
I don t know if they ve gone the way of the dodo or not because, again, someone s always drowning in them.
4
SPEAKER_00
I was a very strong swimmer as a kid, and I was panicked when I was in the deep end, but I had to because my brother was there.
4
SPEAKER_00
But I never got covered in shit, nor did I see that.
4
SPEAKER_01
It was always a thing, like, shining down the wave pool because poop.
4
SPEAKER_01
Like, always.
4
SPEAKER_02
Maybe that s what Mariah knew and I didn t realize.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I also think that s why they blew the whistles to have everyone get out.
4
SPEAKER_00
Exactly.
4
SPEAKER_02
They found it.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
You know, I used to think that maybe it was the old man in the Speedo, but someone brought it to my attention.
4
SPEAKER_02
They re like, maybe he saw it and he was trying to like warn you.
4
SPEAKER_00
Might ve been helping.
4
SPEAKER_01
That was a red herring, that part of the story.
4
SPEAKER_00
It was a very good mislead.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I liked it.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, because I thought when they blew the whistle, we were going to look back and old man was naked or something.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, exactly.
4
SPEAKER_00
Purve story.
4
SPEAKER_00
Textbook purve story.
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, Danielle, that was tremendous.
4
SPEAKER_00
I love that you just for six hours were like, God damn, it smells.
4
SPEAKER_02
Thank you guys so much.
4
SPEAKER_02
This was so much fun.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, same.
4
SPEAKER_02
Maybe there s others that it happened to.
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh.
4
SPEAKER_00
You got to imagine, like the stories we hear on here, you think like so much crazy stuff is happening all day, every day.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s a wild world.
4
SPEAKER_00
If this show has proven anything, it s that it s a wild world.
4
SPEAKER_01
My God.
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, Danielle, this was a delight.
4
SPEAKER_00
Thank you so much.
4
SPEAKER_00
Great meeting you and thanks for taking time out of your school day for this.
4
SPEAKER_02
So worth it.
4
SPEAKER_02
So much fun.
4
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_00
Take care.
4
SPEAKER_02
Bye.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, well, you know, as often happens when we do these, I get reminded of one of my own.
4
SPEAKER_01
Same.
4
SPEAKER_01
You go first.
4
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_00
So Colleen, my friend from Michigan, who I was in love with moved to Washington.
4
SPEAKER_00
I ve talked about this many times.
4
SPEAKER_00
She moved to Bellevue.
4
SPEAKER_00
I went to visit her.
4
SPEAKER_00
We found out there was a water park.
4
SPEAKER_00
We went, this is at my poorest point as an adult, right?
4
SPEAKER_00
I was probably 21 or 20 and I knew my shorts.
4
SPEAKER_00
I had been in them for many years.
4
SPEAKER_00
I was aware that like it s time for some new shorts, but nothing that really made me panic.
4
SPEAKER_00
I changed into my shorts in the car in the parking lot.
4
SPEAKER_00
I didn t want to have to pay for a locker and we got on a water slide at the very back of the
5
SPEAKER_01
We also don t have towels.
5
SPEAKER_01
We go down the slide.
5
SPEAKER_01
I come out of the water and she s laughing hysterically and the entire back of my shorts ripped off.
5
SPEAKER_01
So I was fully butt, thighs, the whole nine yard.
5
SPEAKER_01
And we don t have a towel and we don t have any clothes.
5
SPEAKER_01
And she just kind of had to walk behind me to cover as we walked through this entire water park to go back out to the car.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, what was yours?
5
SPEAKER_02
I just remembered, because when she said corporate retreat or something, my mom had one, I think at Lake Lanier, and I got food poisoning there and I puked.
5
SPEAKER_01
You did?
5
SPEAKER_02
On the street twice.
5
SPEAKER_01
Oh my gosh.
5
SPEAKER_02
I hate puking.
5
SPEAKER_01
Where in Lake Lanier?
5
SPEAKER_02
Lake Lanier Water Park.
5
SPEAKER_01
Oh, there was a water park there.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
Oh, okay.
5
SPEAKER_02
Which was fun.
5
SPEAKER_01
Until you puked everywhere.
5
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I didn t really want to tell that story, I just remembered it.
5
SPEAKER_01
Do you think you got food poisoning or you ingested some E.coli?
5
SPEAKER_02
Let s say it was E.coli.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, because that way you get your story and it turns out you were holding on to the story you wanted the whole time.
5
SPEAKER_02
Wow, profound.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I was right in front of you the whole time.
5
SPEAKER_01
All right, love you.
5
SPEAKER_02
Love you.
5
SPEAKER_00
Do you wanna sing a tune or something?
5
SPEAKER_00
We don t have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go.
5
SPEAKER_00
We re gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of armchairies, we ll get some suggestions on the fly around this show.