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My name is Lee Hawkins.
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I ve been a journalist for over 25 years.
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On my new podcast, What Happened in Alabama, I get answers to some of the hardest questions about how things came to be for many black Americans and the truth that must come before any reconciliation can happen.
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I investigate my family history, my upbringing in Minnesota, and my father s painful nightmares about growing up in Alabama.
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What Happened in Alabama is a new series confronting the cycles of trauma for myself, my family, and for many Black Americans.
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Listen now.
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Hello, listeners.
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Well, it s fall.
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Or is it autumn?
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Isn t it called the same thing, fall and autumn?
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Some people are like, no, it s fall.
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And others are like, bleh, happy autumn.
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I feel like I always say fall and I wish desperately I was an autumn person.
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I feel like it sounds a little smarter.
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But how is everyone doing?
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I m just checking in because our autumn doesn t look like we thought it was going to, which is a bummer.
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But I hope everyone s doing okay.
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Yeah, it s been tricky.
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That s really all I wanted to say up front is
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How are you?
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How is your autumn?
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And what are you looking forward to this autumn?
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I know for myself, I m looking forward to my kids going to school, not because I want them out of the house, but because they are obsessed with school.
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I mean, get up, get dressed and sit and wait, fully dressed with their backpacks on for like 10 or 15 minutes early.
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And then we go.
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go to DontAskTig.org and let me know what you are looking forward to.
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It s always good to have something to look forward to.
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I m going to get back to the show now.
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Here I go.
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Do you like to listen to the sound of your own voice?
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Oh, I love it.
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You do?
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You love it?
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I am hilarious.
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Oh, it s so satisfying.
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I can t stand it.
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Yeah, no, it s a nightmare.
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I can t believe people pay money to hear me talk or that they drive across town or some people take a flight to another city to hear this voice.
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Mm-hmm, and they plan it in advance and they go like in three months Yes, we re gonna go we re gonna drive for three hours.
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It s terrible
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This is Don t Ask Tig.
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I m Tig Notaro.
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And since my guest today is Canadian, I m going to be polite and say, please don t ask me for advice.
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You probably already know and love my guest, comedian, actor, and host of the multiple Emmy award-winning talk show, Full Frontal with Samantha Bee.
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Samantha Bee, thanks for joining me.
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I m so excited to be here.
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I m so excited.
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Are you?
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I am.
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We re gonna do lots of stuff.
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Yeah, we are gonna do lots of stuff.
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Mm-hmm.
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I mean lots and lots of stuff.
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Lots of stuff.
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This episode is a six-parter.
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Oh.
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We re doing a lot.
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We ll be here for 8 to 12 hours a day.
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Yes, until we finish.
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So we re done.
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Now we get a lot of questions from people about problematic bosses and toxic work environments.
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Okay.
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Yeah.
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What have you learned about being a good boss now that you re the boss of your own late night talk show?
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I have learned that trying to be a good boss is very difficult.
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And I think when you stop trying, that is very bad.
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I think you should always be trying.
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It s something that takes a lot of thought.
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You have to be conscious.
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You have to be very conscious and you have to be very willing to fail.
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And in my opinion, you have to show vulnerability.
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Like you have to give over to the process in a very deep way that is personally hurtful and causes you to wake up and just have many sleepless nights.
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Otherwise I think you might be doing it wrong.
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Like I think you re doing it wrong if you re not worried all the time and sad a lot of it and feel like a failure.
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Isn t that great?
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That s great advice, right?
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Yeah.
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Sounds like something to hope to be one day is is a boss.
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Oh, yes.
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Yes.
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Well, you know, people go to college to learn how to do that stuff, which I really can t believe.
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also being thrust into it with no idea what any of it means.
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Yeah.
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It is a unique challenge.
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It is a unique challenge.
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I never imagined I would be a boss at all.
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Right.
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It s hard.
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And then I think I was a boss probably a few years in before I realized I was a boss.
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But that is a really big, like making that shift to, oh, hang on a second.
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We re like, we re not all in it together to the same degree.
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Like there s a separation there.
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There s like a control and you have to be honest about it.
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And it s hard to look at.
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It s like, it s shocking.
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Yeah.
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It can sneak up on you and you re like, oh, I m, I m a boss and I have to make certain decisions and I have to handle things.
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Yeah.
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That s what you have to do.
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You have to handle things.
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And not always in a way that everyone loves.
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Right.
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Usually someone s mad at you.
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Yeah.
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And you have to like let people be mad at you a lot.
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Yeah.
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Well.
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It s hard.
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You re the boss.
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There s one boss I always think about because she had, I worked at a framing store.
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That s right.
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I can really frame stuff.
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I know how big to make the mat opening.
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And she always had, she had a lot of bossisms.
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She had a lot of like assistant managerisms or she, I guess she was the manager, the regional manager.
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And she was always like, if you ve got time to lean, then you ve got time to clean.
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And I say that to my kids all the time.
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And they hate it.
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Do you say it with a sense of humor or do you nerd alert?
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I say it in the spirit of humor.
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I m trying to be like wry about it, but they don t understand the history and they re just hearing it as I heard it, which was just clean place.
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And you haven t given them the backstory of that terrible saying?
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They don t care.
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OK.
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According to them, I did not have a life.
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I was not a full person before they were born.
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so they don t want to hear about anything that happened while I was in my 20s.
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It s kind of true.
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Yes.
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They have a point.
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They re not wrong.
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Yeah.
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You weren t a boss and you didn t have kids.
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That s right.
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Now, since working from home during the pandemic, your kids sometimes show up on your show.
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They do.
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And are hilarious little people.
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They are.
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What do you think the secret to raising kids with a sense of humor is?
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I don t profess to know any secrets at all.
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My husband s also a comedian in comedy, writes comedy.
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So that s just how we know each other.
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And that s just how we interact with each other and why we love each other.
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And so it s inescapable in our home.
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It s not like, you know, when people ask you questions about your coupledom, they re like, you guys just laugh all the time.
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And I m like, I assure you, we are not laughing all the time, but we are laughing.
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We laugh.
0
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Of course we do.
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Yeah.
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You re like, we re not clinically insane.
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We still have to mow the lawn and like take out the trash.
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And we disagree on a lot of things, but we do.
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You have good cackles together.
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We have good cackles.
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We see the world through a different lens.
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And so our children kind of join us on that journey now and they can t really help it.
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I don t think that we tried to make them funny, but they turned out funny.
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Right.
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And thank God they re much funnier than us.
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And they savage us.
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And my husband s so arrogant about it.
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He s like,
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Don t even try me kids like don t let s not go toe to toe in a roast battle.
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And I m like, you don t understand, Jason.
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These children will savage you in ways you can t imagine.
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They will cut you with so many knives that you don t even know you ve been cut until your arm falls off.
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Yeah, see, my kids are only five.
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How old are yours?
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I have a 15 year old and a 13 year old and an 11 year old.
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Yeah.
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So they re right.
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It s peak.
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See, mine will, they re savagely cutting us too, but accidentally.
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Yes.
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Like we ll be watching Peppa Pig and my son will say, you re like Daddy Pig, right?
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And I don t think I m Daddy Pig, and I don t feel like I resemble Daddy Pig, but something about Daddy Pig, you know, they re trying to figure it out.
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Or they re like, why do we have
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two moms? 
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And we re like, you know, in the middle of the night, in the darkness, lying in bed, why do we have two moms?
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And then we re trying to explain.
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This was actually, it hurt at first, because we were like, preparing for a painful moment.
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And then our son said, I want three moms.
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And then it was like, oh,
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Oh my gosh.
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We need just one more.
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I don t know that I m looking for another person to be walking around the house because my father-in-law also lives here.
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We have three cats, a father-in-law.
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And a father-in-law.
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Your kids are like, you don t do enough for us.
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We need just one more person.
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Just one more mom and then we ll be all set.
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What you re saying reminds me not that we re going to spend this whole time talking about our kids, but well, we have a six part series.
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It s true.
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We ve days we girded ourselves.
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So we were like, all right, we re going to talk about sexual reproduction.
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We were like, we re going to tackle this.
0
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Let s do it.
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Like many years ago, we were like, now s the time when they get curious.
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We re going to answer all their questions, frankly, and honestly, we re going to be so open about it.
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We were so ready.
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We re like, we re so in this conversation.
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Let s have it.
0
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And so we gathered them all and we sat them all down and we started to... Wait, you did or did not read a book?
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This was your own idea?
0
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We didn t.
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This was our idea.
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It just felt like the right time.
0
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Gather the kids, start talking about sex.
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Yeah, like we had the older, we had an older one and we had one that was like getting there.
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We didn t want them to have any confusion about their bodies and the language of their bodies.
0
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We sit them down, we tell them all the facts.
0
SPEAKER_01
Their reaction was so they were like, ew, fine.
0
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All right, I accept.
0
SPEAKER_01
And then exactly, almost exactly one year later, they came back to us and they were like, we forgot about how babies are born.
0
SPEAKER_01
Can you just
0
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Do that whole thing again.
0
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No.
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Forgot everything you told us.
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SPEAKER_01
Yeah, they forgot.
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They were being serious.
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It was such a boring conversation to them.
0
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Completely tuned us out.
0
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And they were like, where do babies come from again?
0
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The way you explained it at first.
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sucked so badly.
0
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Let s try this again.
0
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My son asked our housekeeper who was pregnant if her baby was just under her shirt and that she was just going to take it out in nine months, which makes a lot of sense.
0
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But I told Stephanie one day,
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I don t want to have those conversations. 
0
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And she said she s happy to just tell them everything.
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And she thinks it s important to include gay sex and straight sex, and she s going to just cover everything.
0
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I was like, that s incredible.
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And then I said, but it s also kind of weird to just, you know, say our kids are playing in their room, and we just barge in and start telling them
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x-rated stuff.
0
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It s such a weird intrusion on their lives.
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But I guess you have to do it.
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But they re just like, do do do.
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And you re like, hey, guys, on my watch, it s time to tell you some really gross, weird, uncomfortable stuff.
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So gather around.
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Use the way.
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People from all walks of life do it.
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When two people love each other very much, they hide a baby under their shirt.
0
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That s right.
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No follow up questions.
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Thanks so much.
0
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Slam the door.
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That s right.
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Now, Samantha, it s time for our listener questions.
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How are you at giving advice?
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Well, I don t know.
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I mean, I like to organize people s stuff.
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I find it so cleansing.
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So maybe this is the brain version of that activity.
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Yeah.
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All right.
0
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Samantha, our first question comes from someone dealing with rejection.
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Adrian writes, dear Tig, how can you tell if people actually wanna hang out with you?
0
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I m a 32 year old trans woman on the autism spectrum living in San Francisco.
0
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I ve always struggled to tell if people wanna be friends or date me, or if they re just being polite.
0
SPEAKER_02
Lately, I ve been reaching out a lot to people to see if they want to meet up one-on-one, but half the time they don t and I feel rejected.
0
SPEAKER_02
Any advice appreciated.
0
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Now, I just want to say right away, I m lucky in that I still am friends with my friends from when I was a little human being.
0
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But making new friends, I think in general, is kind of hard for people, regardless of your situation.
0
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But I would say, if somebody s dating you, that is
0
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more than likely, they re interested or they like you.
0
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And I also want to say that during the pandemic, and it s good that you re reaching out to people, but I would say, and I m one of those people,
0
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I have not really been wanting to or been able to extend myself socially in the way that I did before the pandemic.
0
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So if you feel rejected by that, I would consider the fact that people might still be a little hesitant to jump back into life and connections right now.
0
SPEAKER_02
I don t know.
0
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How do you feel?
0
SPEAKER_01
I agree with everything that you re saying.
0
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I think it is very across the board, very difficult to make friends as an adult.
0
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People are in their groove.
0
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You kind of don t want to interfere in their life.
0
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People seem busy.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I do think that a 50% hit rate seems like success to me, actually, because I don t think you ll ever get a
0
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100% hit rate of people who want to hang out ever under the best of circumstances.
0
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And I agree that people are socially not extending themselves in the same way.
0
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Often I think that we feel rejected or we feel like people are having fun without us or we feel that way, but they are actually
0
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could also be shy or could also feel a fear of extending themselves or feel just unable to reciprocate for some other reason other than it may not be about you necessarily.
0
SPEAKER_02
Right.
0
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And I mean, I don t know if this is terrible advice.
0
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Again, this shows don t ask Tig.
0
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But maybe if you re straightforward and just say, look, I like you, but I ll be honest, I have a and I could see myself saying this, that I like you, but I have a hard time telling if people actually like me or if they re just hanging out to be polite.
0
SPEAKER_02
And I just want to be
0
SPEAKER_02
very clear, and I want to welcome you to be very clear, just so there s not any confusion.
0
SPEAKER_02
Like, I don t need you to be politely hanging out with me.
0
SPEAKER_02
And I know that might be hard to say.
0
SPEAKER_02
You know, it s like when somebody s sick, and I reach out to them and I say, Hey, I m thinking about you.
0
SPEAKER_02
I always try to include, please don t think that you have to respond to me.
0
SPEAKER_02
I just want you to know that I m thinking about you and I m here for whatever you might need.
0
SPEAKER_02
And so you let somebody off the hook and there s no pressure there.
0
SPEAKER_01
This is very good advice.
0
SPEAKER_02
This is excellent advice.
0
SPEAKER_02
I love it.
0
SPEAKER_02
You should listen to this show.
0
SPEAKER_02
I mean, I feel like I could really help you.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
0
SPEAKER_01
This is great advice because there s no time as an adult
0
SPEAKER_01
Just giving people an in and an out is actually kind to say, like, there s no need to, like, we don t have to beat around the bush.
0
SPEAKER_01
I like you, this is my situation.
0
SPEAKER_01
If you don t wanna do that, I completely understand.
0
SPEAKER_01
And not everyone is gonna say yes to anyone in this world.
0
SPEAKER_02
Right.
0
SPEAKER_02
I mean, that s even in comedy.
0
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If you re doing okay in comedy, 51% of the time, you re doing well.
0
SPEAKER_02
That s kind of, that 1% is kind of all you need
0
SPEAKER_02
to keep the dream alive.
0
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
0
SPEAKER_02
I don t know how long you can keep it alive on 51%.
0
SPEAKER_02
But anyway, Adrian, Samantha and I wish you the best and let us know how things are going.
0
SPEAKER_02
And Samantha, let s take a well earned break.
0
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
0
SPEAKER_02
And
1
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And when we get back, I ve got more questions.
1
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So stay put.
1
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m Christina Cotarucci and this season on Slow Burn.
1
SPEAKER_05
It s called Proposition 6.
1
SPEAKER_05
The Briggs Initiative.
1
SPEAKER_00
John Briggs is going to fire every gay and lesbian school teacher in California.
1
SPEAKER_02
With so much at stake, young people became activists.
1
SPEAKER_00
We can t let this happen in California.
1
SPEAKER_02
And activists became leaders.
1
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My name is Harvey Milk and I m here to include you.
1
SPEAKER_02
Slow Burn, Season 9.
1
SPEAKER_02
Gays Against Briggs.
1
SPEAKER_02
Out now, wherever you listen.
1
SPEAKER_03
And we re back, Samantha B. Here s another listener question.
1
SPEAKER_03
Okay, I m excited.
1
SPEAKER_03
Doug writes, I m an elementary school teacher and also a sexually active queer guy.
1
SPEAKER_03
I wanna meet people on apps and when safe, bars, but I m afraid of being spotted by a parent or God forbid someday by a former student.
1
SPEAKER_03
What do I do?
1
SPEAKER_03
Doug, you re human.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
You could be on apps.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
Are you scared that you re going to be caught being queer?
1
SPEAKER_03
What do you suppose is happening, Samantha Bee?
1
SPEAKER_04
Is it just a small, maybe it s a small town, dating pool, like a small town.
1
SPEAKER_03
And look, if they re catching you on a gay app,
1
SPEAKER_03
Guess who s into likely similar stuff?
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, the parents.
1
SPEAKER_04
If there is a parent that does not embrace you having a full life outside of
1
SPEAKER_04
the premises where you teach their children, then they are truly not worth worrying about.
1
SPEAKER_04
That s terrible.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
We have such little information.
1
SPEAKER_03
So we re going to have to just say, even if you re in a straight bar and you re living your life,
1
SPEAKER_03
How great.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s not like you ve done anything wrong.
1
SPEAKER_03
You re just out dating and socializing.
1
SPEAKER_03
And maybe you re going to date one of those parents.
1
SPEAKER_03
Exactly.
1
SPEAKER_03
One day.
1
SPEAKER_03
You might become a parent to one of your former students.
1
SPEAKER_03
So enjoy that, Doug.
1
SPEAKER_03
It happens.
1
SPEAKER_03
It happens all the time, Doug.
1
SPEAKER_03
Prepare yourself for becoming a parent.
1
SPEAKER_03
Congrats on becoming a new parent, Doug.
1
SPEAKER_03
Doug, look at you.
1
SPEAKER_03
You re an incredible stepfather.
1
SPEAKER_03
You are incredible.
1
SPEAKER_03
All right, Samantha, this next question comes to us from the Confession Booth.
1
SPEAKER_03
Welcome to the Confession Booth.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
The Don t Ask Tig Confession Booth features listeners sharing secrets they ve never told anyone in order for us to give them the advice they re afraid to ask for.
1
SPEAKER_03
Today s confession comes from someone, and I just want people to know that Samantha is crouched down, like she is ready for this, okay?
1
SPEAKER_03
It comes from someone with inappropriate feelings for someone that works for them.
1
SPEAKER_01
Hey Tig, my name is Sal, and my secret is I think I have a big fat crush on my therapist.
1
SPEAKER_01
What should I do?
1
SPEAKER_04
Oh, I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_04
Tig, I don t know what to do.
1
SPEAKER_04
I m so lost.
1
SPEAKER_04
What are you supposed to do?
1
SPEAKER_03
It s not good.
1
SPEAKER_03
This happens.
1
SPEAKER_03
And you re not even supposed to socialize with your therapist.
1
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
I think that people start to develop these feelings because it s a tricky relationship because you re sharing such intimate stuff in a way that you would share probably with the person that is your person, right?
1
SPEAKER_03
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_03
And so I think that can confuse the lines.
1
SPEAKER_04
Mm-hmm.
1
SPEAKER_04
And I would think that if your therapist is sharing those feelings with you, you need to not continue seeing them as a therapist.
1
SPEAKER_04
You need to stop immediately.
1
SPEAKER_03
You re saying then they should date outside of therapy.
1
SPEAKER_04
Well, for me, red flags are popping up all over the place.
1
SPEAKER_04
Uh-huh.
1
SPEAKER_04
I think this is pretty natural.
1
SPEAKER_04
To have a crush on your therapist?
1
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, because you re sharing even perhaps more intimate thoughts than you would share with your partner.
1
SPEAKER_04
That s true.
1
SPEAKER_03
My therapist is an 80 year old man.
1
SPEAKER_04
So I could imagine that confuses things and that it s pretty natural in that blur of emotions sometimes to develop a crush.
1
SPEAKER_04
on that person you are paying to listen to your most intimate thoughts, but you are paying, it is a transaction that is taking place.
1
SPEAKER_04
And they certainly, I hope they care about the outcome.
1
SPEAKER_03
They care about that money too.
1
SPEAKER_03
Keep that in mind.
1
SPEAKER_03
They do.
1
SPEAKER_03
And also what might help you with your big fat crush is get things into perspective here.
1
SPEAKER_03
Not only are you paying this person,
1
SPEAKER_03
Hundreds, likely, of people are paying this same person.
1
SPEAKER_03
This person is taking money from so, I mean, maybe not hundreds, that s a busy schedule, but a lot of people are paying them, telling them intimate things, and likely
1
SPEAKER_03
half of them have crushes on that person too.
1
SPEAKER_03
Like you are up against a lot of people.
1
SPEAKER_03
So that s what I would do.
1
SPEAKER_03
I would kind of make myself not feel so special in that kind of moment.
1
SPEAKER_03
I would be like, oh boy, this is like falling for a rock star, you know?
1
SPEAKER_03
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_04
And if the therapist in your life is like, you know what?
1
SPEAKER_04
I find you very attractive.
1
SPEAKER_04
then I have another bunch of red flags, like then my red flags are just, they re just flapping all over everything.
1
SPEAKER_03
I know somebody that got involved with their therapist.
1
SPEAKER_03
Mm-hmm, so do I. And it did not turn out well.
1
SPEAKER_04
That feels like a real no-go zone.
1
SPEAKER_04
So I would actually, if you can t,
1
SPEAKER_04
frame your relationship with your therapist differently.
1
SPEAKER_04
I suggest exploring a new therapist.
1
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, like pretty soon.
1
SPEAKER_03
How did the person you know, how did it go with their therapist?
1
SPEAKER_04
Not great.
1
SPEAKER_04
Because that person, it was a little
1
SPEAKER_04
I think a little, maybe twisted.
1
SPEAKER_03
A little twisted.
1
SPEAKER_03
This was very twisted.
1
SPEAKER_03
The one that, but now I m scared that Sal is like, Oh, I love twisted romance.
1
SPEAKER_03
Don t do it, Sal.
1
SPEAKER_04
Even better.
1
SPEAKER_03
Don t.
1
SPEAKER_03
Don t.
1
SPEAKER_03
You don t want
1
SPEAKER_04
to know, you don t wanna date someone who has all the levers of your personality and your psyche in their hands.
1
SPEAKER_04
The power dynamic is screamingly off and I don t like it.
1
SPEAKER_03
I m gonna take it a step further.
1
SPEAKER_03
Sal, they re not into you.
1
SPEAKER_03
All right, Sam.
1
SPEAKER_03
Great.
1
SPEAKER_03
Do we need to assign, do we need to assign Sal any penance?
1
SPEAKER_04
Oh, penance?
1
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_04
No, I think this is a blow.
1
SPEAKER_04
This is hard.
1
SPEAKER_04
You know what I mean?
1
SPEAKER_04
This is a tough pill.
1
SPEAKER_04
So I think Sal s gonna just ruminate on this a little bit.
1
SPEAKER_04
All right.
1
SPEAKER_04
All right.
1
SPEAKER_03
Well, let us know what you decide, Sal.
1
SPEAKER_03
Don t do it.
1
SPEAKER_03
Don t.
1
SPEAKER_03
Let s take a break from talking with our guests for a new segment sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy.
1
SPEAKER_03
I m calling Therapy Etiquette, where I answer your questions about getting the professional help we need and deserve.
1
SPEAKER_03
This question comes from Liz.
1
SPEAKER_03
So I m going to be looking for a new therapist because mine is retiring.
1
SPEAKER_03
Is it acceptable?
1
SPEAKER_03
to tell her what issues I don t need to focus on.
1
SPEAKER_03
I m disabled and every new therapist I meet seems to want to dissect what this means for my psyche and emotional well-being.
1
SPEAKER_03
I m an adult child of alcoholics and my spouse is on the spectrum.
1
SPEAKER_03
As Maysoon Zayed said, I got 99 problems, my disability is just one.
1
SPEAKER_03
Ah,
1
SPEAKER_03
So I m in full support of what you re saying because, you know, it s your time, it s your money, and it s how you want to spend your time, talking to your therapist.
1
SPEAKER_03
But I think my concern is that if a therapist hears you saying that you do not want to talk about an issue,
1
SPEAKER_03
they might wonder how accurate of a self-assessment you might be having.
1
SPEAKER_03
So in the event a new therapist does want to discuss things with you about your disability, it seems like maybe considering answering them more directly
1
SPEAKER_03
so that your new therapist can have information to begin their attempt to understand you might be a helpful move.
1
SPEAKER_03
It just seems like if you re flat out avoiding it, it could come across as a gigantic issue.
1
SPEAKER_03
And, um,
1
SPEAKER_03
I think it s important in any relationship like this that you re checking in and giving them feedback about how the interaction is going.
1
SPEAKER_03
And I think that s explaining why you feel this way and just helping them understand I think is really what s important so that you can get
1
SPEAKER_03
to the topics that are pressing for you or more pressing.
1
SPEAKER_03
Because obviously your disability isn t news to you, but it s new to your therapist.
1
SPEAKER_03
So you can decide to set your boundaries maybe before you meet with your therapist and decide what you want to talk about and how you want to talk about it as far as your disability goes so that you can, like I said,
1
SPEAKER_03
move on and make it clear why you feel this way.
1
SPEAKER_03
I think more so, instead of just coming in and being like, look, I don t want to talk about this.
1
SPEAKER_03
But I think you re right to anticipate that your therapist is going to want to address it.
1
SPEAKER_03
And I m sure it s annoying.
1
SPEAKER_03
But the truth is, if you avoid this, it s going to probably draw more attention and your therapist is trained
1
SPEAKER_03
to probe when you re avoiding.
1
SPEAKER_03
Maybe try being just so direct and just say, I acknowledge my disability, but I worry that I m reduced to and defined by it.
1
SPEAKER_03
And then see how it goes from there.
1
SPEAKER_03
I also think it could be helpful to
1
SPEAKER_03
specifically look for a therapist that has a shared lived experience or specializes in your issues around disability or lack thereof issues around your disability.
1
SPEAKER_03
They likely will start your treatment from a place that isn t, you know, tokenizing because they understand that your disability doesn t define you.
1
SPEAKER_03
I hope that s been helpful or at least somewhat reassuring.
1
SPEAKER_03
Thanks to BetterHelp for sponsoring this Q&A.
1
SPEAKER_03
Now, let s return to our conversation with Samantha Bee.
1
SPEAKER_03
Billy writes, I am a gay male sex worker.
1
SPEAKER_03
I love my job and I m good at it, but I m getting a little bored with it.
1
SPEAKER_03
I m also turning 40 next year.
1
SPEAKER_03
So I think it s time to move on and do something legit.
1
SPEAKER_03
What should be my next career move?
1
SPEAKER_04
Oh, well, I think you have to look deeply inside yourself and say, well, what interests me?
1
SPEAKER_04
What do I like?
1
SPEAKER_04
You know, what do I fill my time with when I m not working?
1
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_04
what gives me inspiration and start there.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, I would even say go to your craziest dream ever of what do you want to do?
1
SPEAKER_03
What is your dream?
1
SPEAKER_03
And Samantha and I have had this conversation before that you re never too old to do something new.
1
SPEAKER_04
Never too old.
1
SPEAKER_03
You can pursue your dream at any age, no matter what you ve done.
1
SPEAKER_03
Because my dream,
1
SPEAKER_03
was to be a stand-up comedian.
1
SPEAKER_03
And a lot of stand-up comedians start so young that when I started at, I think, 26, I was considered kind of older for stand-up.
1
SPEAKER_03
And I never in a million years imagined I could ever do it.
1
SPEAKER_03
Somebody wrote in one time saying that they wanted to start a bookstore in their small town.
1
SPEAKER_03
And was that a crazy dream?
1
SPEAKER_03
Guess who wrote back and said that they followed Don t Ask Tig s advice and started a bookstore in their little town?
1
SPEAKER_04
Fantastic.
1
SPEAKER_04
Fantastic.
1
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_04
I started comedy when I was 28 or 29 or something like that.
1
SPEAKER_04
Like it was such a faraway dream.
1
SPEAKER_04
I never even dared to dream it.
1
SPEAKER_04
Right.
1
SPEAKER_04
So like,
1
SPEAKER_04
There are only a few things at the age of 40 that are probably off limits to you.
1
SPEAKER_04
One is being a ballet dancer.
1
SPEAKER_04
I m sorry, time has passed.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, but his name is Billy.
1
SPEAKER_03
I mean, wasn t in Billy, like a famous dance, and they re like a Billy.
1
SPEAKER_03
Billy Elliot.
1
SPEAKER_03
I mean, he was.
1
SPEAKER_04
He was young.
1
SPEAKER_04
Oh, okay.
1
SPEAKER_04
He was a teenager, but it s fine.
1
SPEAKER_04
Maybe this is Billy Elliot.
1
SPEAKER_04
Maybe this is Billy Elliot.
1
SPEAKER_04
We don t know.
1
SPEAKER_04
And there s not really too much that is not available to you.
1
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_03
So don t get into ballet.
1
SPEAKER_03
Maybe not.
1
SPEAKER_03
So the two things off the table, sex worker and ballet.
1
SPEAKER_04
and ballet, and that s about it.
1
SPEAKER_04
That is it.
1
SPEAKER_04
You can go to medical school, you can become a photographer, you can, there are a million, I don t know why I thought of those two things.
1
SPEAKER_04
You can either be a doctor or a photographer, and there s no other possibility.
1
SPEAKER_03
I know, and I can t wait to see, oh, you know how you could combine them?
1
SPEAKER_03
Radiologist.
1
SPEAKER_03
Oh my god.
1
SPEAKER_03
There we go.
1
SPEAKER_03
That s great.
1
SPEAKER_03
There we go.
1
SPEAKER_03
Enjoy your new career, Billie.
1
SPEAKER_03
But yeah, I say go dream at the top because Samantha and I are living our top dream.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s possible.
1
SPEAKER_03
It is possible.
1
SPEAKER_03
Then if you re like, I can t do that or I m not in the right shape to do this You could get in the right shape or I m not in the right part of the country.
1
SPEAKER_03
You you know Just go down go down from the top.
1
SPEAKER_04
Don t go bottom to top go top You literally only have you one life to live and one body to live.
1
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, so if you have the chance to
1
SPEAKER_04
and the mindset to fully explore yourself, you have to grasp that.
1
SPEAKER_04
It s an amazing revelation, I think, and a huge opportunity.
1
SPEAKER_04
And I m excited for you.
1
SPEAKER_03
I am too, Billie Elliot.
1
SPEAKER_03
How exciting that Billie Elliot wrote in.
1
SPEAKER_03
You re an incredible dancer.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
Billy, if the career move that we are suggesting doesn t work, blame Samantha, all right?
1
SPEAKER_03
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_03
Samantha, I need your help with one last thing before we go.
1
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_03
That was it for our listener questions, and just one last thing, and this is the advice of yesteryear.
1
SPEAKER_05
When Jerry brags about taking Ginny out,
1
SPEAKER_05
He learns that she dates all the boys.
1
SPEAKER_00
So as we see now, menstruation is just one routine step in a normal and natural cycle.
1
SPEAKER_05
How do you choose a date?
1
SPEAKER_05
Well, one thing you can consider is look.
1
SPEAKER_01
I did everything you said, but my boss still hasn t asked me to lunch.
1
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_03
This is where we take a real question from an advice column of yesteryear.
1
SPEAKER_03
That excites you?
1
SPEAKER_04
It does because they re often like, make more casseroles for your husband.
1
SPEAKER_04
He is tired at the end of a long day of work.
1
SPEAKER_04
He s been in the city.
1
SPEAKER_03
He s been in the city with a briefcase in his hand.
1
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_03
So we try to answer it a little better.
1
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_03
Did you know that Eleanor Roosevelt had an advice column?
1
SPEAKER_03
I did not know that.
1
SPEAKER_03
Well, she did.
1
SPEAKER_03
And it s called if you ask me, wow, are we going to redo Eleanor?
1
SPEAKER_03
That s right.
1
SPEAKER_03
Right.
1
SPEAKER_03
We can beat her.
1
SPEAKER_03
No problem.
1
SPEAKER_03
Someone wrote to her in 1960 with this question.
1
SPEAKER_03
Have you any words of advice or comfort for a woman who has just been widowed?
1
SPEAKER_03
Oh, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
And what did she say?
1
SPEAKER_03
Well, we will find that out once you and I have advice for a widow.
1
SPEAKER_04
Okay, advice for a widow.
1
SPEAKER_04
Well, I can only gee, this is such a big question.
1
SPEAKER_04
I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_04
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_04
Well, also don t ask Sam because I don t know but I will.
1
SPEAKER_03
Do you have a competing podcast?
1
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, I m going to start one starting right now.
1
SPEAKER_04
Congrats on the launch.
1
SPEAKER_04
Thank you so much.
1
SPEAKER_04
And this is what I m going to launch it with the saddest advice in the world.
1
SPEAKER_04
I guess all I know about grief is what I have personally experienced.
1
SPEAKER_04
Like I only know my own personal experience and how I got through it.
1
SPEAKER_04
And how I got through it was literally allowing myself to be a grieving person and not judging myself.
1
SPEAKER_04
allowing myself to cry when I wanted to, even if I was with people, and I just cried and talked.
2
SPEAKER_03
And so if I was with someone and I started crying, I would just say, listen, this is I m not crying because of you.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m not crying because of anything you said.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m crying because I m grieving.
2
SPEAKER_03
And I just thought of this person who I loved so much.
2
SPEAKER_03
So I m just going to cry through this portion of the conversation.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m going to cry right now thinking about it.
2
SPEAKER_03
And I like just forgave myself for being sad all the time.
2
SPEAKER_03
And then about a year, oh my God, I can t believe I m crying on your podcast.
2
SPEAKER_03
But then about, like, you have to let yourself go to the depths of your sadness so that you can one day see the light.
2
SPEAKER_03
And then one day you just wake up and you go, okay, it feels like a veil lifts.
2
SPEAKER_03
For me, it took about a year before I could see the sunshine again.
2
SPEAKER_03
And I thought, okay, like, I guess that s what grief is.
2
SPEAKER_03
You just have to forgive yourself.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_02
Samantha, thank you for sharing that.
2
SPEAKER_02
I don t know.
2
SPEAKER_02
That s all I ve got.
2
SPEAKER_02
Do you have better advice?
2
SPEAKER_02
No, I feel the same way.
2
SPEAKER_02
I remember, you know, well, it took me a while to realize that I had to do that.
2
SPEAKER_02
Because I remember my mother passed away unexpectedly and I was really sick at the time.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I remember lying in bed
2
SPEAKER_02
And I kept thinking, oh my gosh, I m so lazy.
2
SPEAKER_02
I m so lazy.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I had this feeling of, I shouldn t be just lying in bed.
2
SPEAKER_02
But I just couldn t, physically and emotionally, I just, I couldn t get out of bed.
2
SPEAKER_02
I was so destroyed.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I had to,
2
SPEAKER_02
remind myself, or not even remind, but I guess learn that it s not only okay, but it s necessary, like you re saying, to just stay put, feel your feelings,
2
SPEAKER_02
and allow yourself to heal from this pain because there s no way.
2
SPEAKER_02
There is no way to heal unless you rest.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s like having a broken leg.
2
SPEAKER_02
You can t just keep walking around with a broken leg.
2
SPEAKER_02
You have to rest.
2
SPEAKER_02
You have to let it heal.
2
SPEAKER_02
If you keep walking, it will never heal.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s the same with your emotions.
2
SPEAKER_02
You have to lie down and let your emotions heal.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I m still not great at doing either physical or emotional healing.
2
SPEAKER_02
I m always amazed that I think I ve learned my lesson and then human nature kicks in and you re like, I gotta keep going.
2
SPEAKER_02
I can t stop.
2
SPEAKER_02
I don t feel well or I m sad.
2
SPEAKER_02
And then you go, wait a minute, wait a minute.
2
SPEAKER_02
And one of the greatest things I heard once was, and this is for physical stuff, but I think that it can apply to a lot of things.
2
SPEAKER_02
But if you don t take time for your health,
2
SPEAKER_02
you re going to have to make time for your illness.
2
SPEAKER_02
And that I think is very helpful to think about.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_03
And it s not like, grief is like the craziest, it s the most, it s such a roller coaster, because some days you feel okay, and you can get stuff done.
2
SPEAKER_03
And like,
2
SPEAKER_03
But it stops you.
2
SPEAKER_03
It s absurd how long it lasts.
2
SPEAKER_03
This person, I m crying about a person who died over 20 years ago now.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m like, we re talking, this was a long time ago and I ll still bust out tears.
2
SPEAKER_03
This is what grief is.
2
SPEAKER_03
So you just have to let it.
2
SPEAKER_03
And right now I m anticipating what Eleanor Roosevelt said, which is like,
2
SPEAKER_03
Give yourself a week, brush it off and fix yourself a strong martini or something.
2
SPEAKER_02
You know, it s funny, Samantha, I forgot that you are known for your Eleanor Roosevelt impression.
2
SPEAKER_02
Get cracking!
2
SPEAKER_02
I don t know.
2
SPEAKER_02
Here we go, Eleanor s answer.
2
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_02
I would urge you to keep very busy, to work at something as hard as she possibly can, and to become interested in as many things and as many people as possible.
2
SPEAKER_02
To lose someone one loves and to be alone is very difficult, but this adjustment has to be made by many people, and I think it is easier if you are occupied.
2
SPEAKER_02
So it s get cracking, actually get cracking, get pitter patter, let s get at her.
2
SPEAKER_02
And in between those lines, I also read, uh, get a martini and get cracking.
2
SPEAKER_02
Um, oh man.
2
SPEAKER_02
Well, whoever that someone was that wrote in 1960, I hope that you have healed or are healing and Samantha, I m sorry for your loss.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, and I am, I am sorry for yours.
2
SPEAKER_03
Thank you.
2
SPEAKER_03
And you know what s weird is that I love thinking about this person in my life.
2
SPEAKER_03
It s a gift to be reminded.
2
SPEAKER_02
It is.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s that bittersweet, I lost somebody a couple of years ago and I can go away in dreamland and just think about her and then it hits me, it s that grief that gets you and you re like,
2
SPEAKER_02
We were all robbed so soon.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, and it s just crazy making and then you go back into Oh, man, she was number one.
2
SPEAKER_02
She was the best.
2
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
I m glad we had this conversation, all the twists and turns that it took.
2
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And I hope something was helpful for someone.
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Because we have reached the end of our show, Sam.
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And it has been a pleasure.
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This was a complete pleasure.
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Just as I knew it would be.
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Yes.
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You fulfilled all of my dreams and expectations today.
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You always fulfill all of mine.
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So thank you for taking the time to be with us.
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And is there anything you d like to let people know about?
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Oh, could we give your career a little bump?
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SPEAKER_04
Oh, yeah.
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SPEAKER_03
Oh, yeah.
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Well, you know, I have a show called Full Frontal with
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that is Wednesday at 10.30 p.m.
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on TBS, but I also have a podcast called Full Release, which we release new episodes every Tuesday, wherever you get your podcast.
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Come and join us.
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Rollicking, we have rollicking times.
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And have a martini.
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SPEAKER_04
And a martini.
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SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
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Get back at it.
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SPEAKER_04
Come on, get up.
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Get cracking.
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They re gone.
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Get cracking, would you?
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SPEAKER_04
They re gone.
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Fix yourself a drink.
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These floors.
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Fix yourself a drink and start buffing your floors.
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SPEAKER_02
Alrighty.
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Well, thank you again for being here.
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And I know I will see you soon for sure.
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Yes.
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SPEAKER_03
Yes.
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SPEAKER_02
Alrighty.
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SPEAKER_03
Thank you.
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Bye.
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SPEAKER_01
That s what you want
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Don t Ask Tig is hosted by me, Tig Notaro.
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It s produced by Thomas Ouellette, Shana Deloria, and Ryan Lohr.
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Our executive producer and editor is Beth Perlman.
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Engineering and sound mixing by Johnny Vince Evans and Eric Romani.
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Digital production by Christina Lopez.
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Talent booking by Marianne Ways.
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Production support from Pizza Shark and Elena C. Our theme music is Friend in Tig by Edie Burkell and Kyle Krushem, and Listen to Your Heart by Edie Burkell.
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Special thanks to Hunter Seidman, Lily Kim, Alex Schaffert, and Lauren Dee.
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Concept developed by Tracy Mumford.
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Our executive consultant is Dean Capello and Gobsmack Studios.
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You can always ask for advice at DontAskTig.org.
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Just write in with your problem or send us a voice memo.
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Remember to follow us on social media at DontAskTig.
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DontAskTig is a production of American Public Media.
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And as always, thanks Dana, and I ll tell Becky.
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Hi, I m stand-up comedian and sex symbol Tig Notaro.
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And I m actor and writer Sheryl Hines.
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Before Sheryl and I got into the big business of podcasting together, we were just simply friends.
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And we re still friends.
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But now we talk about a different documentary every week on our podcast, Tig and Sheryl, True Story.
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So whether you love documentaries or just want to hear us slowly lose our minds, check out Tig and Sheryl, True Story, wherever you get your podcasts.
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SPEAKER_02
Alright, cool.