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This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.
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Look at how fast, we re almost halfway through the year.
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Crazy, yeah.
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Are you proud of what you ve done in 2024 so far?
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You can probably always sharpen it.
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Yeah, I mean, I had a therapist in Portland and I would commute and that was a pain.
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That s a long drive.
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I know it was 1300 miles one way, but you know, it s good therapist.
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It s worth it.
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Commence shitshow.
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That s a big... It s a good beginning.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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What s up?
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Those shades aren t bad, though.
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What do you mean?
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I mean, I didn t know there was a Shell Station by your house.
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Shell Station, I got them at Exxon.
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Sometimes you miss it, Spudly.
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There is a Shell Station across from this place I eat in Malibu.
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And I went in there and they re selling shirts.
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There s like five flannel shirts.
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I m like, who s buying that?
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Oh, this one s not bad.
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I bought one.
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I like those super, super stations, you know, travel and there s all the trucks and there s like a store and you get nicknacks.
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I love it.
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Yeah.
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When you re driving, you pull over and just wander around in there aimlessly.
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Almost bought Heather a Puka shell necklace.
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I thought it was her birthday.
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It was a little late.
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It was a buck 99.
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Truth be told.
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You should have done it.
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It was her birthday this week.
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I know.
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You blew it.
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What s it like to be 26?
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Yeah.
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She gave it a little slower one.
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It s on a need to know basis.
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Dana, this weekend, this week, of course, I did gigs, but of course... Can we hear about them?
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Well, I m looking forward to... I got two in Florida next week, which is Clearwater.
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Great town.
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And Scorlando.
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Beautiful town.
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I like when people talk about major cities as towns.
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Chicago s a great town.
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That s a great little town.
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Rome is a terrific little suburb.
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Rome?
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Yeah, I just went for Rome.
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So you re out on the road, you re going to Clearwater.
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Yeah, I am going, but last week I did Houston.
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That was a private.
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Then I came home.
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Oh, I did my three days on that movie.
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Movies for Apple Plus.
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That s a secret movie.
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It s not really a secret because it was already in deadline that I m doing it, but I m not the star of it.
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That s Cameron Diaz and Keanu Reeves, but I love them.
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I think they re both cooler than shit.
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Absolutely.
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Cameron Diaz, Back in the Hunt.
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Back in the Hunt.
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Good for her.
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She s awesome.
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She s one of my favorites and Jonah Hill wrote it with his buddy and he directed it.
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And he s in it.
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So I think what I could, I mean, I just probably should not say a lot because they don t, but I m not a big part, but I m one of Keanu s neighbors who s kind of an idiot.
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But Keanu, by the way, could not be cooler as advertised.
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It s almost like nerve wracking to be around that dude.
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He s the most unassuming superstar.
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I did this event with him at Tom Hanks at a small theater where we all read Shakespeare and goofed around.
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Julia Roberts was there.
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So there s a lunch break and we re all around a table.
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So I did my old trick of, has anyone ever experienced anything supernatural besides me?
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That s the joke part.
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But everyone has a ghost story, right?
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Everyone goes around.
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I saw this light.
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I saw this thing.
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And Keanu is like 50 feet away at a table by himself, facing away.
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And they re like, Keanu, come over here.
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You know, it s just.
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It s too cool.
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He walks cool.
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He s got kind of a stiff walk for being in 15 Matrix movies.
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He s like.
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And I m like, I remember I got a little speed up on Dickie Roberts.
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I did some of my own stuff.
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And he s like, yeah, great.
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Well, I put it down.
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I put down my weapons.
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I mean, there was a whole rivalry between Bill and Ted and Wayne and Garth and it trended for a while.
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You know, part of me was there.
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Yeah.
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And I just wanted to go at those guys, man.
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Dresses Garth.
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You think you are you, Bill?
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Are you Ted?
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But yeah, there s there was a slight comparison, but I think everybody s fine.
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I think Buddy movies, comedies, and he s done cool stuff.
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And also we re sort of around the same time, those movies, you know?
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So Buddy was very generous and sweet.
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And when we do scenes with him, I just, it s so funny.
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I couldn t get my lines in this one thing.
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They were stuck.
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And of course, it made me sick because I see him going.
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Who s this fucking clown?
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Is this Jonah Hill, the director looking at the monitor?
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No, Jonah couldn t be more right.
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He s great.
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Cool.
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High, high energy, positive.
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And he wrote it.
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And it s very cool movie.
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So it s about it s set in L.A.
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It s about L.A.
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And.
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I had a good time.
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I was a little nervous being on someone else s set instead of my own stuff I usually do.
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Well, you re kind of sort of, yeah, doing your own thing a little bit or doing something with friends.
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Yeah.
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Or something I maybe co-wrote or something I have a big say in, but just to walk onto a set.
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Those are a little more tricky.
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By the way, did I interrupt you?
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Because I only get five per podcast.
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No, that s it.
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That s the whole story.
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Did you hear about that?
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This is very quick, but going one more time to Keanu Reeves, who s such an enigma in a great way, but he s taking a commuter flight at night.
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One of those smaller airlines to L.A.
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from, I think, Santa Rosa or Northern California.
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Engine trouble.
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You know, they got emergency land in Bakersfield.
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So he doesn t have a car, meet him, he just hangs out with everybody else.
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A bus arrives to pick up all the passengers.
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This is the middle of the night.
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And he gets drinks and brings people water and stuff, sits with all of them on the bus all the way into LA from Bakersfield and made sure everyone was home safe.
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Yeah, well that sounds about right.
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He didn t seem overly cool at all, overly
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for being, he s such a monster star and he always gets good press.
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I m like, everything I read about you is like, Keanu Reeves gave everyone he ever met a motorcycle this week.
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I m like, God damn.
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What do you do when the lights aren t on?
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Well, you do cool things when nobody s looking, right?
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Put an extra quarter into the parking meter just for taxes.
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That goes somewhere.
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Someone s benefiting.
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And I go, you know what?
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That one s on me.
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All right, now let s go on to our Cameron Diaz praise fest.
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Now, this person... No, we ll just say that I ve always liked her, and everyone does.
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She s great.
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So I was really lucky to just be a part of that one, so I m happy about that.
1
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Now we can continue.
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I just wanted to say a plug for an Apple TV movie that I don t know when it ll be out.
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It ll be probably doesn t matter.
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It s going to sit on the shelf.
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Movies that go on live streaming are in a kind of a bookstore.
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So it ll just be on Apple for decades.
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You ll hear about it soon.
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It doesn t matter what comes out.
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Now, what do we got other than that?
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What are our topics today?
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I can start with anything.
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I m always asked, you know, this is a quick one.
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Arnold asks, remember we were at Arnold s place and he was interviewing, we were interviewing him and at the end he goes, let me ask you fellas a question, you know, how do you stay so thin, you know, because thin is in and the little dogs are living longer than the big dogs.
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And you kind of get, well, we try to do this, we try to do that.
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But I never explain my five minute thing that I tell people if they re curious about how to never worry about their weight again without a five minute thing.
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And it probably three minutes.
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SPEAKER_01
OK, go ahead.
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SPEAKER_00
First of all, weigh every day.
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Step on a digital scale.
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Just stop weighing with no judgment.
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It doesn t matter what the number is.
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Just stand on it.
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Okay.
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That s going to hypnotize your brain a little bit.
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What you want to do, don t ever try to get to a bottom number and then you just bounce off of it.
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Try to slowly merge into a range you want to live.
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Like you would be like 110 to 120.
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But you find a paradigm and that s where you live in your paradigm.
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So you slowly trend into that.
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So say it s between 140 and 150, which is kind of where I m at.
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You are really?
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SPEAKER_00
Because I m close.
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I m like the high end.
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I m like 149.
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Yeah, that s me right now.
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I don t really worry about it.
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I just tell people, just weigh every day and it ll hypnotize the part of your brain where you ll sort of go, oh, I m 160.
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If I kind of have a light lunch, I ll be 159.
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SPEAKER_00
So that s the key to it.
1
SPEAKER_00
But most people stop weighing because they re gaining.
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When you re gaining is when you want to weigh, and then you give yourself a brownie point for like, no one would have three banana splits yesterday and four hot dogs and get on the scale.
1
SPEAKER_00
So the main thing is to keep weighing and hypnotize your brain, get in an area you want to live and just keep weighing.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I call it a thousand mini diets.
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You never want to wake up and go, fuck, I got to lose 20 pounds.
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SPEAKER_00
You want to wake up and go, I could lose a half pound.
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SPEAKER_00
That s it.
1
SPEAKER_00
I did that.
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SPEAKER_00
Sorry.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s good.
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SPEAKER_00
It took me so long.
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SPEAKER_01
That s a good lesson.
1
SPEAKER_01
No, that s a good lesson.
1
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And I did that on the first grownups.
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I d always weighed 145.
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No, 140.
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And when I was such a fucking pipsqueak, and then I get on grownups, and you have to go to the doctor first.
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And I had the old scale.
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Oh, that thing, yeah, with clanks and yeah.
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And you put like the clanker on there, and then you got the one pounder.
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And he puts it on, he goes, I ll put this one on 100.
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And then he goes, and I go, put that on 140.
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I ll give you, because I go, he goes, what do you weigh?
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I go 140.
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SPEAKER_01
He goes, 140?
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SPEAKER_01
I go, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
He goes, why is he upset?
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And I go, because he s not believing me.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I go, why so curious?
1
SPEAKER_01
And he goes, and he goes, I go, just write it down.
1
SPEAKER_01
He goes, why don t you jump on the scale while you re here?
1
SPEAKER_01
And I go,
1
SPEAKER_01
What if I said, Adam s not gonna like this?
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SPEAKER_01
I told him, Adam Sandler doesn t like when you try to bully me, you know?
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So I go, okay, so I put the big square on 100, you know how they do that?
1
SPEAKER_00
Right, yeah, but then it gets you to 120.
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And then I put the little one on, I put that on 145, I go, oh, I m a fat ox.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then I get on and it goes, and I m like, goddamn.
1
SPEAKER_01
So yeah, so you have to move it.
1
SPEAKER_01
So I got to put on 150 and then I go back to zero.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then you go back, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
So I m 150 and then he starts going,
1
SPEAKER_01
forever until he gets a cramp, I m like this, 165.
1
SPEAKER_01
And when was this?
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SPEAKER_01
This is during grownups, so that was 10 years ago.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, that s like every day is a party.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay, we ve got a picture of you.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_01
No, we re talking about, this is a good way to lose weight.
1
SPEAKER_01
Delta Burke says she tried crystal mesh.
1
SPEAKER_01
That ll do it.
1
SPEAKER_01
This must ve been before Ozempic.
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, let me just say about that.
1
SPEAKER_00
I mean, that s obviously funny.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m happy for, but crash diets don t work.
1
SPEAKER_00
All they do is slow your metabolism down and you don t, it s not what you weigh.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s what you re made of.
1
SPEAKER_00
How much lean muscle do you have?
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SPEAKER_00
compared to fat.
1
SPEAKER_00
So people go, man, my weight s really down.
1
SPEAKER_00
You go, yeah, but look at your legs.
1
SPEAKER_00
You re standing on sticks.
1
SPEAKER_00
You lost some muscle.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, you re saying your body s fat up here and your little stick legs don t work.
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, that s called a golf tee.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s guys in the gym who just work their arms and chest, but not their calves.
1
SPEAKER_01
Prison, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Prison with the body.
1
SPEAKER_00
little tiny legs, little tiny ankles and tiny feet and huge shoulder and the pecs are grown out and you look like a golf tee.
1
SPEAKER_00
Play through, play through.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
How do you guys stay so tiny?
1
SPEAKER_00
You know, because you could live a long time if you re tiny.
1
SPEAKER_00
I know he goes, it s so great.
1
SPEAKER_00
You re microscopic.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m like, we re not so rude.
1
SPEAKER_00
Let me tell you.
1
SPEAKER_00
How is it with the ladies when you get into the bed and she s twice as big as you are?
1
SPEAKER_00
We re like, Arnold, we re here to interview you.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Then he picks me up like Stuart Little, your little mouse.
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, remember, I said, count my pushups.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then it says, that s very good.
1
SPEAKER_00
Now you do them and I ride your back.
1
SPEAKER_00
So Arnold gets on my back and I m trying to do pushups.
1
SPEAKER_00
The guy s like 225.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m a giant.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m riding you now.
1
SPEAKER_00
Give me that.
1
SPEAKER_00
You are a turtle.
1
SPEAKER_00
People who didn t hear that episode are going, is he serious that everything was serious until Arnold riding me?
1
SPEAKER_01
That was that s on the fly on the wall.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
Which is available everywhere you get your podcast available on podcasts.
1
SPEAKER_01
So is this one.
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SPEAKER_01
This woman really stepped in shit.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s the greatest term.
1
SPEAKER_01
It finally fits someone perfectly.
1
SPEAKER_01
Why she says Sidney Sweeney isn t pretty and can t act, you couldn t have a worse quote out there for someone who s really at the top of her game right now and doing well.
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, like it says, jealous, incredibly.
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SPEAKER_00
I ll read it for the drivers.
1
SPEAKER_00
This is a picture of a normal, attractive 50 year old woman or average looking.
1
SPEAKER_00
Not not bad.
1
SPEAKER_00
But and then and then a picture of young, lovely Sydney Sweeney.
1
SPEAKER_00
The headline is incredibly jealous and probably flat chested.
1
SPEAKER_00
This is not us.
1
SPEAKER_00
Producer Carol Baum slams Sydney Sweeney.
1
SPEAKER_00
Quote, She isn t pretty and can t act.
1
SPEAKER_01
The part that s real is that she did say that.
1
SPEAKER_01
Now, we don t have to tear her down on the way.
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t know whose article this is.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s funny, though.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s probably some parody one.
1
SPEAKER_01
But Sidney Sweeney, this woman did say that, and I m sure she regrets it, because you re just asking for trouble.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, look, here s what I would say.
1
SPEAKER_00
The acting is overrated.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m not even saying whether she s good or bad.
1
SPEAKER_00
What are you feeling when you see her?
1
SPEAKER_00
Elvis Presley or Marilyn Monroe, were they as good as Brando?
1
SPEAKER_00
But they were electric on the screen.
1
SPEAKER_00
I d say John Wayne as well.
1
SPEAKER_00
I don t know what it is, but what I ve seen of Sydney, she has it.
1
SPEAKER_00
And that means
1
SPEAKER_00
you re attracted to her aura, her spirit, and her physicality.
1
SPEAKER_00
But I understand these human emotions, you kind of have to
1
SPEAKER_00
spiritually with yourself, go, oh, you re jealous.
1
SPEAKER_00
Make them your little buddy.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, hi, jealous.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, you don t have to put down that person.
1
SPEAKER_00
You re just kind of jealous right now.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
You had your youth.
1
SPEAKER_00
I never wanted to be a grumpy old man and angry.
1
SPEAKER_00
I don t like young people.
1
SPEAKER_00
I want to go back.
1
SPEAKER_00
I want more life for me.
1
SPEAKER_00
You ve met a grumpy old man when you were when you were really young and they re just pissed at you just because you re young.
1
SPEAKER_00
Never going to be that guy.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, here s one because I went to UFC.
1
SPEAKER_01
Pull this one up.
1
SPEAKER_01
This is a this is a sport that s real.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I thought you d laugh at it, even though I have nothing to say about it.
1
SPEAKER_01
There s a pillow fighting league and dudes, not females.
1
SPEAKER_01
Males get up in there and beat the shit out of each other with pillows.
1
SPEAKER_01
Here, they give a clip, try to
1
SPEAKER_01
I mean, are they really?
1
SPEAKER_01
Are people watching that?
1
SPEAKER_01
I saw the crowds a little sparse, but
2
SPEAKER_00
You know, it s definitely, I like people, there was like, you know, people sponsoring it on every pillow, and there s Dr. Pepper over here, and I m like, this is real, the day UFC was on, I had the channel on, I m just watching before UFC came on, and I m like, oh my God, there s a pillow fight, and it s real, and unless they re full of like Coke cans, like in that movie Bad Boys, like that s interesting, but just feather pillows, are you kidding me?
2
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t see the strategy.
2
SPEAKER_01
The one that s adjacent to this that s related to your friend, Dana White, is the slapping thing.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t know if people have seen this, but two dudes sit across from each other, their hands are down, and they take turns slapping the shit out of each other.
2
SPEAKER_01
But they re really big, strong guys.
2
SPEAKER_01
It is extremely compelling to look at someone, take it, because, you know, you ve shooken Mike Tyson s hand.
2
SPEAKER_01
If he slapped you, it s lethal.
2
SPEAKER_00
I shook him dead, I saw him at the fight.
2
SPEAKER_00
By the way, look at this.
2
SPEAKER_01
He saw him at the fight.
2
SPEAKER_00
Here s what they do.
2
SPEAKER_00
So even the worst thing, because in a UFC fight, you don t really know what s coming.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know you re getting in a fight, which is already terrifying.
2
SPEAKER_00
But on slap fight, they go like this.
2
SPEAKER_00
You stand there, Dana, and the guy goes like this, right?
2
SPEAKER_00
Makes your face, and he goes, one, two, and then you go, god damn, this is the one I think I get it on.
2
SPEAKER_00
Then he goes, yeah, he s doing it, wham.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, there we are, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
but usually every clip I see, the guy just blacks out.
2
SPEAKER_01
The guy actually, he gets kind of knocked out.
2
SPEAKER_01
He blacks out, he s semi-conscious.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, most of them fall and just are like, cuckoo bird.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I don t know.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s appealing.
2
SPEAKER_00
Dana said it s doing great.
2
SPEAKER_00
And the clips do well on YouTube.
2
SPEAKER_01
There s one, I think it s in East Asia, and I don t know if it s real, but it s called Sledgehammer.
2
SPEAKER_01
So you stand there and a guy has a sledgehammer and he just like hits you in the head with it.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m trying to think what is worse.
2
SPEAKER_00
There s a porn where the girl kicks you in the balls.
2
SPEAKER_00
Let s look at a clip.
2
SPEAKER_00
No, I don t think we have it.
2
SPEAKER_01
There s called grape choke, where a guy just shoves grapes in your mouth until you start choking.
2
SPEAKER_01
That one s big in, I don t know, Australia, I think.
2
SPEAKER_00
Wait, what s this one?
2
SPEAKER_00
Let s see what this is.
2
SPEAKER_00
Let s see what this is.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, this is the one I told you.
2
SPEAKER_00
They pull each other by the ears.
2
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
2
SPEAKER_00
With rubber bands.
2
SPEAKER_00
Heather, look at how horrible this is.
2
SPEAKER_00
Now, keep going.
2
SPEAKER_00
Here s the one.
2
SPEAKER_00
See the guy on the right?
2
SPEAKER_00
His ears.
2
SPEAKER_00
They re so casual.
2
SPEAKER_00
Look at him.
2
SPEAKER_00
What?
2
SPEAKER_00
Doesn t bother me.
2
SPEAKER_00
Doesn t bother me none.
2
SPEAKER_00
Huh?
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, look at his ear bending.
2
SPEAKER_00
Sick.
2
SPEAKER_00
This is... Oh, my gross.
2
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
2
SPEAKER_00
Look at the guy s face on the right.
2
SPEAKER_00
I don t like it.
2
Wow.
2
SPEAKER_00
Look at Grandpa.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m scared.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_00
And it s going to snap, too.
2
SPEAKER_00
Just a snap, I d hate.
2
SPEAKER_00
You can t just... Oh, who s his coach?
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh, all right.
2
SPEAKER_01
For our drivers, you re just watching two guys somewhere with rubber bands around their ears, attached to the other guy s ears, and they re pulling on each other until someone would give up.
2
SPEAKER_01
When I look at that, I go, we are well-fed on this earth.
2
SPEAKER_01
We used to hunt and gather all day and then sleep all night.
2
SPEAKER_01
Now it s like, what are we going to do?
2
SPEAKER_01
You can t even parody that.
2
SPEAKER_01
I thought my sledgehammer or grape choke was good, but geez.
2
SPEAKER_00
That s real.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
These guys are real.
2
SPEAKER_00
And you just don t want your kid coming to you one day going, I found what I want to do.
2
SPEAKER_00
And you re like, oh, is it your rubber band fighting?
2
SPEAKER_00
You re like, yeah, boy.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
All right.
2
SPEAKER_01
I put a pillow in each guy s hand and do pillow, pillow, rubber band here.
2
SPEAKER_00
Why don t they have girls pillow?
2
SPEAKER_00
I mean, if you re going to do pillow fight, I don t understand that.
2
SPEAKER_00
We don t need either.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m forgetting.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
OK, let s go to the next one.
2
SPEAKER_00
What s next?
2
SPEAKER_00
What s next?
2
SPEAKER_00
Good stuff.
2
SPEAKER_00
Good stuff.
2
SPEAKER_00
Good stuff.
2
SPEAKER_00
Good stuff.
2
SPEAKER_00
This is these are some weird.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, this is this is Kim K, who we all like.
2
SPEAKER_00
I think Kim K is nice.
2
SPEAKER_00
I saw her at this thing the other night.
2
SPEAKER_00
I didn t talk to her.
2
SPEAKER_01
I did the Tonight Show with her once with Jay Leno and she was incredibly nice.
2
SPEAKER_01
And she goes, well, what do you guys do for skin care?
2
SPEAKER_01
And Jay said, yeah, I just put water on my face.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t wash it.
2
SPEAKER_00
I mean, I wash my face with that.
2
SPEAKER_00
I wash my hair with soap.
2
SPEAKER_01
No, you don t need to use soap.
2
SPEAKER_01
I splashed a little water.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s fine.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I like Kim Kardashian.
2
SPEAKER_01
She s a hard-working businesswoman.
2
SPEAKER_01
People go, what do the Kardashians do?
2
SPEAKER_00
I go, they work their asses off.
2
SPEAKER_00
Don t show the comments already.
2
SPEAKER_00
The joke is, she s doing a dive on Instagram, but she s in one foot of water.
2
SPEAKER_00
It looks like a dolphin a little bit right there, but she s diving and people clown her
2
SPEAKER_00
you re sort of doing a belly flop.
2
SPEAKER_00
You have to, or you re going to get paralyzed, right?
2
SPEAKER_01
Not with soft sand.
2
SPEAKER_01
No.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I think when I m in the ocean, I try to get to the place as soon as I can.
2
SPEAKER_01
I want to get my head under the water.
2
SPEAKER_01
David, listen to this.
2
SPEAKER_01
You can write it down or hope you remember it.
2
SPEAKER_00
Everybody grab a pen.
2
SPEAKER_01
If you re in cold water, that doesn t look cold, but it s kinda cold, you gotta bite the bullet, go under the water.
2
SPEAKER_00
All the way under, okay.
2
SPEAKER_01
And swim really hard for a bit.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s the only way to reduce freezing.
2
SPEAKER_00
Warm your body up.
2
SPEAKER_01
So that s all Kim s doing.
2
SPEAKER_01
See how I defend her?
2
SPEAKER_01
Haters be hatin , lovers be lovin .
2
SPEAKER_00
You know what I heard?
2
SPEAKER_00
I heard that haters gonna hate.
2
SPEAKER_00
Is that true?
2
SPEAKER_00
And what do lovers do?
2
SPEAKER_00
Lovers gonna love.
2
SPEAKER_00
Are you drinking Haterade?
2
SPEAKER_00
OK, let s go to I had a hater like Michael J. Fox.
2
SPEAKER_00
All right.
2
SPEAKER_01
You know, Michael J. Fox scores from Saturday Night Live when he hosted there was awesome.
2
SPEAKER_00
So he says being famous was tougher in the 80s.
2
SPEAKER_00
You had to be talented.
2
SPEAKER_00
Shots fired.
2
SPEAKER_00
This is a common theme, I think, with anyone that
2
SPEAKER_00
Everybody isn t an influencer.
2
SPEAKER_01
Everyone thinks they re so talented.
2
SPEAKER_00
Well, you know, go ahead.
2
SPEAKER_01
Give me your opinion, because mine s probably too long winded on this.
2
SPEAKER_00
I think it doesn t matter, really, whatever brings an audience.
2
SPEAKER_00
Different people are bringing a different audience for different reasons.
2
SPEAKER_00
Right.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_01
And because of digital technology, someone can go on only fans and reach people all around the world.
2
SPEAKER_01
The aggregate audience digitally is on YouTube is five billion people.
2
SPEAKER_01
So now you have all these lanes.
2
SPEAKER_01
It used to be like really weird to be from the first time you were on camera and stuff, because you may have known someone in the neighborhood with a super eight camera.
2
SPEAKER_01
So everyone s a TV star.
2
SPEAKER_01
Everyone has a voice.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I asked some talent managers.
2
SPEAKER_01
Maybe six, seven years ago, out of curiosity, I go, does talent matter anymore?
2
SPEAKER_01
They immediately all said no.
2
SPEAKER_01
Jesus.
2
SPEAKER_01
If there was a kid who was kind of nice looking and he blasted for a while just because he became a surrogate boyfriend on YouTube.
2
SPEAKER_01
Hey, gang, how you all doing?
2
SPEAKER_01
You know, he made a few million.
2
SPEAKER_01
So it s very dispiriting.
2
SPEAKER_01
But yeah, you don t have to be talented in the same way you used to because there were so few lanes.
2
SPEAKER_01
You just make your own little world.
2
SPEAKER_01
And if it s outrageous, it s contagious.
2
SPEAKER_01
You can monetize your sexuality.
2
SPEAKER_01
And in your case and.
2
SPEAKER_00
My tasteful dick pics on only fans, some not so tasteful, there s a paywall.
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, I want to be an influencer.
2
SPEAKER_01
I d love to do that.
2
SPEAKER_01
I d love to hold up a watch and get a million dollars.
2
SPEAKER_00
I know, I wanna do all this.
2
SPEAKER_00
Michael J. Fox is talented, so we can t take that away from him.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know, I think we ve all, I think I said this at the beginning, and then I just gave up because no one s listening.
2
SPEAKER_01
I did a couple of sitcoms in the 80s, and I was terrible.
2
SPEAKER_01
I mean, Michael J. Fox on Family Ties was like incredible timing, and then famously on the Back to the Future movies, it s hard to play the innocent, sincere guy reacting all day long.
2
SPEAKER_01
Hey, Sarge.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, and also he s got that, you know, he had that kind of raspy voice.
2
SPEAKER_01
What s the movie?
2
SPEAKER_01
We haven t done it.
2
SPEAKER_00
Casualties of War.
2
SPEAKER_01
Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of my favorite impressions of David.
2
SPEAKER_01
This is Michael J. Fox in the Vietnam War movie, Casualties of War.
2
SPEAKER_00
I think he s the new guy with all these jaded soldiers and they go and they grab
2
SPEAKER_00
this Korean girl or whatever her name is.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, Sean Penn is like the badass.
2
SPEAKER_00
And John C. Reilly, and they take her to another room to sort of fool around with her.
2
SPEAKER_00
And he goes, hey Sarge, hey, what are we doing here exactly?
2
SPEAKER_00
You got to give me a minute on this here.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh Christ, it s Mallory?
2
SPEAKER_00
Mal?
2
SPEAKER_00
That s a combination of an impression from a movie from 500 years ago and a TV show from 400 years ago.
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, someone sent me, yesterday, I can t remember, they sent me Partridge Family versus the sketch on SNL, and you were on the drums, I was David Cassidy.
2
SPEAKER_00
You were front and center, dude, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
I was David Cassidy, Sandler was in it, and of course, pretty much everybody, Neal Anderson.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, the whole cast, Chris Rock at the end, yeah, yeah, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
That was in my top,
2
SPEAKER_00
maybe 20 sketches ever.
2
SPEAKER_00
I mean, I would probably take that back, but that s up there with very, very memorable.
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, I think for our generation, which Bill Simmons, the famous podcaster said, is that
3
SPEAKER_01
It was such a touchstone because of, going back to the last thing, there wasn t that much television.
3
SPEAKER_01
I grew up with three channels.
3
SPEAKER_01
So everyone knew Brady Bunch and Partridge Family and Our Generation.
3
SPEAKER_01
So when we did the rave-off, it landed so good.
3
SPEAKER_01
I would say it s probably one of the happiest sketches I can watch.
3
SPEAKER_01
I watch it and I m just happy.
3
SPEAKER_02
And here s who s in it when you go back in time.
3
SPEAKER_02
Me, you, Sandler, Chris Rock, Rob Schneider, Kevin Nealon, Mike Myers, Julia Sweeney, Siobhan.
3
SPEAKER_01
Farley.
3
SPEAKER_01
And the architect of the entire thing, Melanie Hutzel.
3
SPEAKER_02
Melanie Hutzel.
3
SPEAKER_01
Melanie Hutzel, that was her baby.
3
SPEAKER_02
You know, I sent it to Sandler about a month ago, because it popped up on my feed.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
And we both laughed at how Farley plays Ruben Quintade.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I know.
3
SPEAKER_01
That was Farley.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s a good sound.
3
SPEAKER_01
He had that gear when he wanted to.
3
SPEAKER_01
He s playing kind of the sort of straight-laced manager and just sort of very matter-of-fact.
3
SPEAKER_02
Any cut to him gets a laugh.
3
SPEAKER_02
He s just like this.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
Because he looks different.
3
SPEAKER_02
He s got a big sport coat on.
3
SPEAKER_01
But he s playing kind of small and stuff.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, he s playing it small, which is even funnier.
3
SPEAKER_01
Really makes me laugh because everyone knows how explosive he is.
3
SPEAKER_01
But everybody in that thing makes me laugh.
3
SPEAKER_01
Everybody.
3
SPEAKER_01
All right.
3
SPEAKER_01
Next one.
3
SPEAKER_01
Next one.
3
SPEAKER_02
What else is up?
3
SPEAKER_02
That s a good sketch, though.
3
SPEAKER_02
You can look it up.
3
SPEAKER_03
, I thought this is funny
3
SPEAKER_02
Some dirty underpants.
3
SPEAKER_02
Wow.
3
SPEAKER_03
To make a million.
3
SPEAKER_03
Smart.
3
SPEAKER_03
Smart.
3
SPEAKER_03
Worked a business out of a glory hole.
3
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_03
Here we go.
3
SPEAKER_03
But throughout this whole experience, he never once slept on the streets.
3
SPEAKER_03
And even with that, he had to end the project two months early because his mental and physical health was crumbling.
3
SPEAKER_03
He ended up being $935,000 short of his $1 million goal and admitted it was the worst time of his life.
3
SPEAKER_03
That s pretty good.
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_01
Was that Mark Zuckerberg s story?
3
SPEAKER_02
I wish Zuckerberg would try that.
3
SPEAKER_02
It s so funny because I thought, oh my God, he s going to make it.
3
SPEAKER_02
He totally quit and went bananas.
3
SPEAKER_02
It is fucking brutal.
3
SPEAKER_02
What is he doing?
3
SPEAKER_02
Cuts himself off from all his money and just goes out there with a pogo stick and a $5 cash app.
3
SPEAKER_01
Guess what?
3
SPEAKER_01
It didn t work.
3
SPEAKER_01
In today s world, you re just looking at it.
3
SPEAKER_01
I got a couple dollars in my pocket.
3
SPEAKER_01
I love when people say that.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, you got some beans in your jeans.
3
SPEAKER_01
Alec Baldwin once said, yeah, I got a couple bucks in my pocket.
3
SPEAKER_01
And it seems like everybody just on social media and daily mail and all the nonsense is rich.
3
SPEAKER_01
Everybody is incredibly rich now.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so the pressure of thinking there s this other magic world to go live in.
3
SPEAKER_01
Billionaires, they were quiet.
3
SPEAKER_01
We didn t see them on their yachts.
3
SPEAKER_01
So it s another modern thing that s making people crazy.
3
SPEAKER_02
They weren t jacked and juiced.
3
SPEAKER_01
But I was rooting for that guy when I was watching it.
3
SPEAKER_02
I was too, I m like, he s gonna make it.
3
SPEAKER_02
And he s like, then he was dry humping a railroad tie and got splinters in his dick.
3
SPEAKER_02
It s like, he went a little crazy.
3
SPEAKER_02
I understand, it s a hard thing, I wouldn t try to do it myself.
3
SPEAKER_02
I just cling on to any money I have at night and kiss it like this.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m the exact opposite.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I mean, how would you deal with it if somehow you got a hold of that type of money?
3
SPEAKER_02
I was broke all growing up, cut to a shot of me living in a mansion.
3
SPEAKER_02
I was broke growing up and so I never wanna go back, that s what scares you, to be totally broke, but like to wonder like, oh, we don t have rent, oh, we don t have this.
3
SPEAKER_02
As a kid, and my mom working the two jobs, sounds fake, but it was, three boys, we re all assholes growing up.
3
SPEAKER_02
You don t know you re broke, so you re like, why don t we have more stuff?
3
SPEAKER_01
You know things stick out from your childhood, just things that were said to you.
3
SPEAKER_01
So there was five kids in a track home.
3
SPEAKER_01
It was about maybe 15 to 17 hundred square feet.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so, you know, we never had a new car and all this, but I wasn t really thinking.
3
SPEAKER_01
We did have a used TV and all that, but I didn t think about being poor.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then a kid in the neighborhood, somehow, I was like fourth grade, kind of vulnerable.
3
SPEAKER_01
And he was talking about someone.
3
SPEAKER_01
I go, were they poor?
3
SPEAKER_01
And he goes,
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, yeah, kind of like you.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I remember going, I m poor?
3
SPEAKER_01
I didn t know.
3
SPEAKER_02
Dude, I got the same shit.
3
SPEAKER_02
A guy at kickball told me, he goes, hey Spade, I heard your family s poor.
3
SPEAKER_02
And being poor wasn t a real panty dropper, even in fourth grade, because girls are like, wait, what s going on?
3
SPEAKER_02
And everyone got quiet, and I go, no, I think you got some bad intel, guy.
3
SPEAKER_02
I don t know, but I don t know if I m poor, but I don t wanna, I m like, no.
3
SPEAKER_02
And he goes, no, you re poor, that s the word.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m like, what a cockblocker.
3
SPEAKER_00
I know.
3
SPEAKER_02
And then I argued him, I go, would our car
3
SPEAKER_02
would we have two tires on our front yard if we were poor?
3
SPEAKER_02
And he s like, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
And I go, no, no, we have a car.
3
SPEAKER_02
And then we have two extra ones laying on the grass.
3
SPEAKER_01
If you re really poor, your car s on blocks and your house is on wheels.
3
SPEAKER_01
Ah.
3
SPEAKER_01
But suffice to say, so people don t play violins, we had food on the table.
3
SPEAKER_01
It was, you know, my dad would buy a side of beef and it was mostly gristle.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, Jesus Christ, get the gristle.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know, the gristle s the best part.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s just juicy fat and bone.
3
SPEAKER_02
Everything s the best part when it s crunchy.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, Jesus Christ.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then we had Karol s syrup because like Aunt Jemima s syrup was more expensive and that was like the liquid clear syrup.
3
SPEAKER_02
Karol s syrup, that s motor oil, isn t it?
3
SPEAKER_01
I wanted to play saxophone in fifth grade, but it was $7 to rent, $7 a month or something to rent the saxophone.
3
SPEAKER_02
What do you think of Nilsson Jay Rockefeller?
3
SPEAKER_01
No, and every day I go, I ll get it tomorrow.
3
SPEAKER_01
And finally I asked my parents, they go, we can t afford that.
3
SPEAKER_01
So I had to go in and go, actually, so where s your saxophone?
3
SPEAKER_01
It ain t coming.
3
SPEAKER_01
There is no saxophone.
3
SPEAKER_01
Do you want to try it?
3
SPEAKER_02
The teacher goes, you can blow me for free if you want to practice.
3
SPEAKER_02
And you re like, well.
3
SPEAKER_02
Where did it go to that?
3
SPEAKER_01
No, it s a great scene.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
OK.
3
SPEAKER_02
And what do we do to wrap up?
3
SPEAKER_02
We have any anybody right.
3
SPEAKER_02
Put a video in.
3
SPEAKER_01
I had a funny thing today.
3
SPEAKER_02
A funny thing.
3
SPEAKER_02
OK, let s hear it.
3
SPEAKER_01
Well, I saw Biden got up there and gave a speech.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh, that s right.
3
SPEAKER_02
Biden gave a speech and he.
3
SPEAKER_02
So go ahead.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
Well, what did he say before that?
3
SPEAKER_01
Because sometimes, OK, we ll we ll we ll make it so it s nonpartisan.
3
SPEAKER_01
We ll we ll shit on Trump in a second.
3
SPEAKER_01
But Biden actually, he said.
3
SPEAKER_01
He says something, and then there s clearly this other word that s more of a direction to him.
3
SPEAKER_01
I think he said, it s gonna be four more years.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, that s it, I m looking at you.
3
SPEAKER_01
So he says, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s like, yeah, it s gonna be four more years.
3
SPEAKER_01
Pause.
3
SPEAKER_01
Pause, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then the crowd just kept screaming.
3
SPEAKER_01
But he did have a good joke, I ll give him credit.
3
SPEAKER_01
He had a good joke, he said something like, yeah, Trump, you ever have a guy in high school, you wanna just hit him with a left hook?
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I shouldn t say that.
3
SPEAKER_01
I shouldn t say that, I wanna hit him with the left hook.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know, Trump said that you gotta put hydrogen peroxide during COVID, you gotta inject it in your arm, but instead he put it on his hair and they went bananas.
3
SPEAKER_02
Did he say that?
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, pretty good joke.
3
SPEAKER_02
Who wrote that joke, you?
3
SPEAKER_02
No, geez, I saw him go, hey, I can t do Biden.
3
SPEAKER_02
He goes, you want to wind up four more years with that guy?
3
SPEAKER_00
Question mark, question mark, dot, dot, dot.
3
SPEAKER_00
Michael J. Fox.
3
SPEAKER_00
Hey, Sarge, Sarge, am I too old to be president, Sarge?
3
SPEAKER_00
Hey, Sarge, you want that guy?
3
SPEAKER_01
That guy, I don t know, I just do it.
3
SPEAKER_01
If we want to go back to the core.
3
SPEAKER_02
What happens when Obama s listening to this at home with Clinton?
3
SPEAKER_01
No.
3
SPEAKER_01
Michelle, I m watching Joe.
3
SPEAKER_01
Hold on a second.
3
SPEAKER_01
Holy shit.
3
SPEAKER_01
He said, pause.
3
SPEAKER_01
No, it was in the direction.
3
SPEAKER_01
He said, four more years.
3
SPEAKER_01
And there was direction to him to stop talking so the crowd can go crazy.
3
SPEAKER_01
Instead, Joe went, four more years, pause.
3
SPEAKER_01
He said pause?
3
SPEAKER_01
He said pause.
3
SPEAKER_01
Michelle, he said pause.
3
SPEAKER_01
Fucked up.
3
SPEAKER_01
Let me call Bill Clinton.
3
SPEAKER_01
Bring, bring, bring, bring.
3
SPEAKER_01
Hey, what s up?
3
SPEAKER_01
Are you asking about Joe?
3
SPEAKER_01
I saw it.
3
SPEAKER_01
I saw it.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, he said pause.
3
SPEAKER_01
He said pause.
3
SPEAKER_01
I go, no, you cannot do that.
3
SPEAKER_01
That means to stop talking.
3
SPEAKER_01
He kept going.
3
SPEAKER_01
I can t believe it.
3
SPEAKER_01
Hello?
3
SPEAKER_01
Hello?
3
SPEAKER_01
Michelle, I hung up on him.
3
SPEAKER_02
Michelle, do you still get it?
3
SPEAKER_02
He said the word pause.
3
SPEAKER_02
No, he said it out loud.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
No one can get it.
3
SPEAKER_02
They re like, you re joking.
3
SPEAKER_02
Well, I think it s funny.
3
SPEAKER_02
And he does get laughs at that.
3
SPEAKER_02
If he s doing that on purpose, it s funny.
3
SPEAKER_01
No, he had a good, that s fine.
3
SPEAKER_01
And Trump s just,
4
SPEAKER_02
I don t know, I assume the next movie they re going to jail him for being contempt of court or something.
4
SPEAKER_00
I saw him doing one of his after-court briefings, but he seemed like he was in a Folgers can.
4
SPEAKER_00
He s like, I m in this room right now.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s obviously not mic d up, it s not professional.
4
SPEAKER_02
No, he s in some partial underground garage or some overhead thing.
4
SPEAKER_00
He s put him in a janitor s closet.
4
SPEAKER_00
Okay, do it quick, quick.
4
SPEAKER_00
No one will see.
4
SPEAKER_01
The fix is in, it s a hit job, it s a hit job, and the fix is in.
4
SPEAKER_01
This whole thing is corrupt, it s election interference, you know that?
4
SPEAKER_01
You know that word, election interference?
4
SPEAKER_01
So they re the ones that are interfering, and they shouldn t be, they shouldn t be, and you know they shouldn t be.
4
SPEAKER_02
I wonder since his hair is orange, if he gets a jumpsuit, they ll make it lighter brown or black or something.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, that shouldn t, unless he wants to be all orange.
4
SPEAKER_00
That s not a good palette for him.
4
SPEAKER_00
I think he should have a different color.
4
SPEAKER_00
You re right.
4
SPEAKER_02
I ll just say the world s a little crazy right now.
4
SPEAKER_02
I m just going to go out on a limb.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m going to talk about it more next week.
4
SPEAKER_00
But do we have any people that wrote in for advice or no?
4
SPEAKER_00
Is that it?
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, okay.
4
SPEAKER_00
You can video yourself giving advice and we give the best advice.
4
SPEAKER_00
No offense.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s unbelievable.
4
SPEAKER_02
We gave a lot of advice on this one.
4
SPEAKER_00
Straightened out a lot of people.
4
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, thank you, Dana.
4
SPEAKER_00
And it was really fun.
4
SPEAKER_02
My pleasure.
4
SPEAKER_00
And we might have a guest next week.
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh, maybe a secret guest.
4
SPEAKER_00
Who knows?
4
SPEAKER_02
Don t give it away.
4
SPEAKER_00
Somebody familiar to us.
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, thanks, guys.
4
SPEAKER_00
Thanks for listening.
4
SPEAKER_02
Thanks for listening.
4
SPEAKER_00
We ll see you next time.
4
SPEAKER_00
Bye bye.
4
SPEAKER_00
This has been a presentation of Odyssey.
4
SPEAKER_00
Superfly is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade.
4
SPEAKER_00
Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment.
4
SPEAKER_00
Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey.
4
SPEAKER_00
Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman.
4
SPEAKER_00
Hope you liked it.