0
SPEAKER_01
I m okay.
0
SPEAKER_01
I m doing okay.
0
SPEAKER_01
I feel overwhelmed.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I have to go home tonight And I don t want to and I feel really guilty because I don t want to but you know, but I am I am going I m taking the red eye.
0
SPEAKER_01
I m back Saturday.
0
SPEAKER_01
I
0
SPEAKER_01
So it s been so much back and forth.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s like the third time in a month that I ve been home.
0
SPEAKER_01
By the time this airs, I probably will have talked about it already, but my grandfather passed away last night or two nights ago.
0
SPEAKER_01
Two nights ago.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s all a blur.
0
SPEAKER_01
That s a lot.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s a lot.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s a lot more than I expected it to be, which of course, like, of course, I m such a control freak that I feel like I could sort of get ahead of how it would feel.
0
SPEAKER_01
Like I ve been processing it for so long, which I have.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
0
SPEAKER_01
And it s been a long time coming.
0
SPEAKER_01
And so I ve kind of felt like, well, when it happens, I ll be
0
SPEAKER_01
Fine, because I will have already processed it, but then it doesn t work like that.
0
SPEAKER_01
And it s so annoying that it doesn t work like that.
0
SPEAKER_01
I m sorry.
0
SPEAKER_00
I m sorry.
0
SPEAKER_00
Why?
0
SPEAKER_00
Can you fix it?
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I m sorry.
0
SPEAKER_00
You can t fix grief.
0
SPEAKER_00
You can t shortcut it.
0
SPEAKER_00
You can t shortcut it.
0
SPEAKER_00
I have felt that you ve processed this, like, very extraordinarily.
0
SPEAKER_00
You know, even when you were home and you were like, you know, his health is fragile.
0
SPEAKER_00
You were like, I m okay with it.
0
SPEAKER_00
You were in a lot of acceptance, I felt, around it.
0
SPEAKER_00
But I m also, yeah, not surprised that then they do pass away.
0
SPEAKER_00
And that s a whole other thing.
0
SPEAKER_00
The idea of it is different than what it is.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
So my brother is the one—my mom called and I missed the call, of course, because I was sleeping.
0
SPEAKER_01
And then my brother called like an hour later.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I was awake.
0
SPEAKER_01
And so we were going to record yesterday.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I was like rushing and trying to post and get out the door.
0
SPEAKER_01
And he called in as soon as I saw his name.
0
SPEAKER_01
It was obvious that I needed to pick up.
0
SPEAKER_01
He never calls for no reason.
0
SPEAKER_01
So he told me, which was also sort of
0
SPEAKER_01
I was also sort of grateful for that in some ways, that he had to take that on and we had a moment to sort of talk about it.
0
SPEAKER_01
So then it s sort of been this whirlwind, because originally there wasn t going to be any service or anything.
0
SPEAKER_01
But then I guess there was a decision yesterday that there is, and so that s why I m going back.
0
SPEAKER_01
I m sure people can relate to this, or maybe not.
0
SPEAKER_01
Maybe I m just horrible, but it just keeps getting, it s like...
0
SPEAKER_01
Now I have to go home again.
0
SPEAKER_01
I don t want to do that.
0
SPEAKER_01
Now I have— And then, you know, my mom texted me and was like, if anyone wants to say anything— And I don t want to.
0
SPEAKER_01
You don t.
0
SPEAKER_01
No.
0
SPEAKER_00
Well, you don t have to.
0
SPEAKER_00
I know.
0
SPEAKER_00
You don t have to do anything you don t want to do.
0
SPEAKER_00
But it feels like— Is that bad?
0
SPEAKER_00
There s no bad way of grieving, right?
0
SPEAKER_00
Death is inconvenient.
0
SPEAKER_01
That s so true.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s so— It s not ever timed appropriately.
0
SPEAKER_01
No.
0
SPEAKER_01
They should fix that.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, somebody needs to fix that.
0
SPEAKER_01
But don t feel bad.
0
SPEAKER_00
This is hard enough.
0
SPEAKER_00
Or again, I m telling you not to, but just be kind to yourself and all the feelings that you re feeling are normal.
0
SPEAKER_00
Grief is very unknown and I think every time we grieve, it also looks different for every person in every situation, but it s very unpredictable and it ll bring up a lot of things that are even confusing and hurtful and there ll be good memories, there s bad memories.
0
SPEAKER_00
I mean, there s so many complicated ways of doing it and I don t want you to add more
0
SPEAKER_00
by judging yourself for the way that you re grieving.
0
SPEAKER_01
I m very lucky.
0
SPEAKER_01
So, my brother called me.
0
SPEAKER_01
We re saying, we re so lucky that this is the first time we re dealing with this.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s crazy.
0
SPEAKER_01
That is so outrageous.
0
SPEAKER_00
This is the first death you ve dealt with in your family?
0
SPEAKER_01
In my family, yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
That s close.
0
SPEAKER_01
And we re old.
0
SPEAKER_01
Like, we re old for that.
0
SPEAKER_01
And my parents are so old for that.
0
SPEAKER_01
I mean, my dad has experienced death.
0
SPEAKER_01
But my mom hasn t, and she s in her 60s.
0
SPEAKER_01
That s so lucky.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I m trying to sort of hold on to that, too.
0
SPEAKER_01
Man, we really... But then I have this fear that now the door opened, and now it s just going to be so much.
0
SPEAKER_01
What if?
0
SPEAKER_00
I mean, look, all of us can go at any time, right?
0
SPEAKER_00
And I think that, again, what grief will do is that—and to be—this is so synced, but I have a friend that died a few days ago.
0
SPEAKER_00
Oh my god.
0
SPEAKER_00
Why didn t you tell me?
0
SPEAKER_00
Well, first of all, you re dealing with everything.
0
SPEAKER_00
And it s a friend that—a lot of my close, close friends are very close with him.
0
SPEAKER_00
We, you know, we all work together.
0
SPEAKER_00
And it s very disorienting.
0
SPEAKER_00
Again, a lot of things come up that are very confusing.
0
SPEAKER_00
But the one thing that I think all of us feel when we do lose someone is, oh my God, life is just, I mean, just so fragile.
0
SPEAKER_00
We never think about, I mean, we rarely think about that.
0
SPEAKER_00
You can t live in that space.
0
SPEAKER_00
You can t function.
0
SPEAKER_00
Exactly.
0
SPEAKER_00
So, yes, I think gratitude.
0
SPEAKER_00
I mean, gratitude never hurts, no matter what you re going through.
0
SPEAKER_00
And being grateful for the time that you got to know him for.
0
SPEAKER_00
I lost all my grandparents when I was pretty young.
0
SPEAKER_00
And so, I don t really know what it s like.
0
SPEAKER_00
I had such a, not juvenile, but like very first-degree experience of death.
0
SPEAKER_00
I m like, oh, my grandma is not there anymore.
0
SPEAKER_00
My dad is sad, but I only knew her for eight years.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I still have this connection to her, but you knew him for so many years.
0
SPEAKER_00
You got to grow up together.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I really did.
0
SPEAKER_01
The school bus dropped me off at their house every day, and I spent all my summers there, and it s lucky.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, it s a lucky thing to be able to experience.
0
SPEAKER_00
And the dream, do you wanna talk about it?
0
SPEAKER_01
I think it s so powerful.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, it s really crazy.
0
SPEAKER_01
So when I talked to my mom, she told me, so my grandmother called her to tell her, and it was the morning, 6 a.m.
0
SPEAKER_01
or something,
0
SPEAKER_01
And they sort of deduced that it probably happened a few hours before that.
0
SPEAKER_01
In his sleep, lovely, peaceful.
0
SPEAKER_01
And so then my mom called my dad, and he said that he had a dream the night before.
0
SPEAKER_01
And my dad, it s so, I wish I could convey, I mean, maybe people on the show know, because we talk about my dad so much.
0
SPEAKER_01
He s just the most practical, pragmatic, everything s black and white and somewhat, you know, scientific.
0
SPEAKER_01
He had a dream.
0
SPEAKER_01
He never dreams.
0
SPEAKER_01
He had a dream that my grandpa got out of bed, you know, he s been bedridden for the past however long, he got out of bed and was walking down the hall and turned around and smiled.
0
SPEAKER_01
I mean, it s so, it, yeah, it s crazy.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I don t believe in any of that, but I can t not.
0
SPEAKER_01
And then I feel guilty because I think like, oh my God, all these people who believe in all these things that I normally don t, there s reasons why they do.
0
SPEAKER_01
And it s okay.
0
SPEAKER_01
Whatever brings you peace and comfort, believe it.
0
SPEAKER_01
I believe that he,
0
SPEAKER_01
visited him.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, wanted to say goodbye.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I think he, well, I know this because 40 years ago, my grandpa was misdiagnosed with cancer.
0
SPEAKER_01
So for a couple of weeks, they all thought that he had cancer, pancreatic cancer, and he was given like a sentence.
0
SPEAKER_01
And my dad was with my grandpa when that happened, just him.
0
SPEAKER_01
And just to reiterate, this is my mom s dad, not my dad s dad.
0
SPEAKER_01
But my dad was with them at the Mayo Clinic, and my grandpa told my dad, you have to take care of everyone back then.
0
SPEAKER_01
He s like, this is what I want for this person.
0
SPEAKER_01
I wasn t even born yet, you know?
0
SPEAKER_01
And then that ended up being this non-issue, which is also so funny because my dad was telling, when I was home four weeks ago or something, and it really looked like it was going to happen.
0
SPEAKER_01
Dad said he had sort of a different opinion on all of it because of that experience that he had with him.
0
SPEAKER_01
He was like, well, I sort of look at it as he got an extra 40 years.
0
SPEAKER_01
Like he was kind of supposed to go then and he got an extra 40 years and I would have never met him if that had happened.
0
SPEAKER_01
That s such a sad, scary prospect and I m so grateful that it didn t happen.
0
SPEAKER_01
But anyway, so the sort of like looking back, I feel a little bit is like, take care of everyone.
0
SPEAKER_01
Oh, wow.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, which is I think why it would have been him.
0
SPEAKER_01
That s not his kid, you know.
0
SPEAKER_01
Oh.
0
SPEAKER_00
I know.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s really special.
0
SPEAKER_01
And it s again coming from my dad who I m sure he can t wrap his head around this because it s so spiritual.
0
SPEAKER_01
Right.
0
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
It is really comforting to have that story.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
But it sucks.
0
SPEAKER_01
I mean, it just sucks.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s like life sucks.
0
SPEAKER_01
You fall in love with all these people and then they die.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then you die.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, but that s the least sucky part.
1
SPEAKER_01
I know, I agree.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m fine with that.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s the other, it s everyone else.
1
SPEAKER_00
Like, why?
1
SPEAKER_00
Why does it have to happen?
1
SPEAKER_00
I wish I liked it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Maybe there s someone that does.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, psychopaths.
1
SPEAKER_01
Psychopaths.
1
SPEAKER_01
Sociopaths.
1
SPEAKER_01
We gotta try out their morning routine.
1
SPEAKER_01
Put it on.
1
SPEAKER_01
But that s also the beauty of life.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s the thing.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s why it s so precious.
1
SPEAKER_01
I know.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s like, really?
1
SPEAKER_00
I know.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s such a cliche.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s like all such a cliche.
1
SPEAKER_00
Dax and I were talking about it on the last fact check.
1
SPEAKER_00
I think maybe like the point of life is potentially to realize all these cliches are true.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s like by the end of your life, you understand that.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
It all, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
The simplest things are
1
SPEAKER_01
You spend your life learning more and more complicated things, and then you end up realizing that it was actually so simple.
1
SPEAKER_01
And we re all just going through doors.
1
SPEAKER_01
I just think that metaphor.
1
SPEAKER_01
There s like a David White poem about his mother passing away that s like, and then she went, I m going to cry talking about it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Like, we re already crying, but like, you know, that his mother passes away and she just goes through this door through which he ll go through.
1
SPEAKER_01
later, right?
1
SPEAKER_01
Like, it s like we re all... And even him not having cancer and not being able to stick around for so many more years, that s just one door he didn t go through, and he went through another one.
1
SPEAKER_01
And if we spend time thinking about that, we just wouldn t do anything else.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s too heavy.
1
SPEAKER_01
But it s also so beautiful.
1
SPEAKER_01
We wouldn t be able to do stupid, you know, capitalism.
1
SPEAKER_01
Buying clothes and stuff.
1
SPEAKER_00
But I do like it.
1
SPEAKER_01
It is fun.
1
SPEAKER_01
It does make... Do you think you ll think about your clothes when you die?
1
SPEAKER_01
Like, you ll think about, like...
1
SPEAKER_01
I think there s an emotional connection.
1
SPEAKER_01
I think you ll think about some of the clothes you got.
1
SPEAKER_00
You do?
1
SPEAKER_00
I think so.
1
SPEAKER_00
I think they re meaningful to you.
1
SPEAKER_00
I ll probably think about the sweater that Molly and I, we bought these sweaters kind of on accident.
1
SPEAKER_00
Kristen had sent us to the store.
1
SPEAKER_00
We were all in New York.
1
SPEAKER_00
Kristen was working, but she was like, oh, you guys got to go to the store.
1
SPEAKER_00
Kondi, Susie Kondi, shout out.
1
SPEAKER_00
And she kind of got us in the like warehouse or whatever, you know, like their small room.
1
SPEAKER_00
So when we were there, it was beautiful.
1
SPEAKER_00
We wanted stuff, but it s expensive.
1
SPEAKER_00
And we did feel a little bit like, oh, we have to get something.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so we just kind of picked out some stuff, but we didn t know any prices.
1
SPEAKER_00
And we both got this sweater.
1
SPEAKER_00
And when she like rang it up, the sweater was $1,000 and we didn t know.
1
SPEAKER_00
And we both walked out kind of like zombies.
1
SPEAKER_00
Molly was like, did you know?
1
SPEAKER_00
And I was like, no.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then we just laughed about the absurdity of this sweater for so
1
SPEAKER_00
And it has brought so much joy.
1
SPEAKER_00
And at one point, Amy was holding the bag, and she got, like, stuck in the turd style.
1
SPEAKER_00
This $1,000 sweater was just getting, like, mashed and mushed.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, no.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, no.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s a story.
1
SPEAKER_01
But it s all about the story around the thing, you know?
1
SPEAKER_00
Not a seizure.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s an experience.
1
SPEAKER_01
That was the time when I was like, oh, God.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, this sweater gave me a seizure.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, God.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s a lot.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s a lot.
1
SPEAKER_00
But I obviously won t think about these rope hands.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s not about the rope hands.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s what you did in the rope hands.
1
SPEAKER_00
I guess.
1
SPEAKER_00
I guess.
1
SPEAKER_00
But also, I like...
1
SPEAKER_00
liking that stuff.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I don t want to, like, next time I m shopping, just be like, ugh, I m not even gonna think about this when I die.
1
SPEAKER_00
No, no.
1
SPEAKER_01
When I die.
1
SPEAKER_01
Also, I feel like we both do think about death way too much.
1
SPEAKER_01
I ve been thinking about my parents dying since the, you know.
1
SPEAKER_01
And things have been coming up in my feed where I m like, did you have this major fear of them dying when you, like, that you would skip sleepovers because you were like, maybe, like, my mom is gonna die at one point, so I should really spend more time with her?
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, no.
1
SPEAKER_00
No, I didn t have that.
1
SPEAKER_00
You had that?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, like I saw that on my feed.
1
SPEAKER_00
I have that now a little bit.
1
SPEAKER_01
Me too.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, major because it s actually kind of more accurate.
1
SPEAKER_00
Because they re getting older.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, they are getting older.
1
SPEAKER_00
We re getting older.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_00
You can t go to that as many sleepovers.
1
SPEAKER_00
I was actually just thinking about this on New Year s Eve because we were all going to sleep over at the Richardson s and then, you know, New Year s came and, you know, the ball dropped.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I was like, I m going to go home.
1
SPEAKER_00
I want to sleep in my bed.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then I got sad because sleepovers used to be so fun.
1
SPEAKER_00
They did.
1
SPEAKER_00
They did.
1
SPEAKER_00
What the heck happened?
1
SPEAKER_00
What happened?
1
SPEAKER_01
I feel the same way.
1
SPEAKER_01
I never— My niece always wants to do sleepovers, and I m like, I m good.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m awful.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m awful.
1
SPEAKER_00
You re not awful.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, I wish I was like, yeah, I ll sleep anywhere, and I don t need my sound machine, my earplugs, my three eye masks.
1
SPEAKER_01
air purifier, like what happens?
1
SPEAKER_01
What happens?
1
SPEAKER_00
I know.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, that is actually sad because I did used to love sleepovers with my family.
1
SPEAKER_00
Like if we had a big family, like Christmas or something, I really want people to stay over.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_01
But I think that your relatives were like, oh God.
1
SPEAKER_00
Sometimes they did it, which is, they probably did it for me because the older you get, you don t like doing that anymore.
1
SPEAKER_01
Why don t we have sleepover?
1
SPEAKER_01
Like, if I were to tell you, Monica, I was like, okay, Thursday night, when you re back, let s have a sleepover.
1
SPEAKER_01
What would be the stages of your reaction?
1
SPEAKER_00
I guess I d say, at your house or mine?
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m fine with people sleeping over.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
But at this point, I don t really wanna, I mean, that s not necessarily true.
1
SPEAKER_00
A lot of it has to do with the bathroom situation.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_01
If they don t poop while they re at your house.
1
SPEAKER_00
No, it depends on the person.
1
SPEAKER_00
It depends on the intention of the poop.
1
SPEAKER_00
Exactly.
1
SPEAKER_01
We ve been over this.
1
SPEAKER_00
If someone s sleeping over, I expect they are gonna poop.
1
SPEAKER_01
And if they re not, we re worried about it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Because there s GI issues.
1
SPEAKER_00
Exactly.
1
SPEAKER_00
I mean, 24 hours if you re not pooping.
1
SPEAKER_00
You need to poop.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
But if I m sleeping over at somebody else s house, I need to know that there s a safe way for me to poop.
1
SPEAKER_00
For sure, oh my God.
1
SPEAKER_00
I think if there is, I m more down for it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
But are we sharing a bed?
1
SPEAKER_00
What would be your preference?
1
SPEAKER_00
Separate?
1
SPEAKER_01
Yours is just a little burrito, how would you?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I would prefer separate.
1
SPEAKER_00
Me too, me too.
1
SPEAKER_00
So then everyone can really sleep.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
But then what s the point?
1
SPEAKER_00
Right.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s just like why, yeah, see you tomorrow, you know?
1
SPEAKER_01
Do we have to wake up in each other s faces?
1
SPEAKER_00
It was kind of fun to make breakfast.
1
SPEAKER_00
That part is fun.
1
SPEAKER_01
I would like separate bedrooms.
1
SPEAKER_01
When we went to Fourth of July, that was so fun.
1
SPEAKER_01
You wake up, it s like a full house.
1
SPEAKER_01
There s people around making stuff.
1
SPEAKER_01
People are sleeping.
1
SPEAKER_01
People are hanging out.
1
SPEAKER_01
I like that vibe.
1
SPEAKER_01
Me too.
1
SPEAKER_01
But I would like my own bed.
1
SPEAKER_00
Wait, how do we get on sleepover?
1
SPEAKER_01
Not wanting to miss your parents.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh yeah, you didn t want to go to sleepovers.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, that would happen where I d be like, oh my God, my mom s going to die one day, so I better spend more time with her.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh my God, I thought you were going to say my mom might die tonight.
1
SPEAKER_00
Like, that would have been more me.
1
SPEAKER_00
You, okay, you had like, it was more… Acute.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay, got it.
1
SPEAKER_00
In the moment.
1
SPEAKER_00
If I go, I ll cause the— It was more, I think, that.
1
SPEAKER_00
A little bit of superstition in there.
1
SPEAKER_00
Like, if I go— Also, I hate this, but my grandpa used to— Or he had this big superstition.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s why I always spent New Year s with my family.
1
SPEAKER_00
I always did.
1
SPEAKER_00
Because he had this superstition, if you start the year together, you end the year together.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh.
1
SPEAKER_00
Which was really kind of stressful and arresting because you had to do it.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s a lot of pressure.
1
SPEAKER_00
It is.
1
SPEAKER_00
The first time I didn t do it was, I guess, tenure.
1
SPEAKER_00
I lived here and I had to be back here to work at SoulCycle.
1
SPEAKER_00
Cause you could only miss like so many holidays.
1
SPEAKER_00
Worst.
1
SPEAKER_00
I know.
1
SPEAKER_00
Sorry.
1
SPEAKER_00
The front desk.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I skipped it and I was worried.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, was he kind of mad?
1
SPEAKER_00
No, no, no.
1
SPEAKER_00
But I was scared, but then it was fine.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then I think I ve missed like one other.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then this year I missed it.
1
SPEAKER_00
We all missed it because my mom and brother had COVID and then I came home.
1
SPEAKER_00
But then he died a couple of days later.
1
SPEAKER_00
But you didn t die when you went to SoulCycle, so.
1
SPEAKER_00
Exactly.
1
SPEAKER_00
It can t be.
1
SPEAKER_00
It can t be that.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
I hope no one takes this on, because it s too much.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s a lot.
1
SPEAKER_01
I think superstitions, I wish I could remove all of them from my head.
1
SPEAKER_00
What do you have?
1
SPEAKER_01
I have so many stupid, but for me, it really started from a young age.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s just weird.
1
SPEAKER_01
I mean, people are going to diagnose me.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yesterday, I took a pill.
1
SPEAKER_01
I was taking some meds, and then one of them fell.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then it s not a big deal.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s one out of whatever.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I was kind of in a rush.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then I was like, okay, I ll just take it.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then something in my head went, nope, if you don t find the pill, something really bad is going to happen.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, no.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, and so then I was like, no, no, it s fine.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then I couldn t stop it, so I had to find the pill.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then I couldn t find it, and I started really freaking out.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then after a long time, way too long, I finally found it, and then I could be calm.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay, do you think that s more- Mental illness.
1
SPEAKER_00
No, no, no, it s not mental illness, but it sounds more like OCD slash anxiety.
1
SPEAKER_00
I mean, I think they re all cousins, by the way.
1
SPEAKER_00
I think superstition is very close to OCD.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it s like a cuter way to say it.
1
SPEAKER_00
It is, but do you always have that?
1
SPEAKER_00
Like if I drop something and I don t find it?
1
SPEAKER_00
No, it s like- It s bad luck?
1
SPEAKER_00
But if that- If the thought goes in, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Then it s, uh-oh, now it s a whole thing.
1
SPEAKER_00
I think that s a little more OCD.
1
SPEAKER_00
Do you have any like the classic, no umbrella opens inside the house?
1
SPEAKER_00
Of course, but that s everybody.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, you can t do that.
1
SPEAKER_00
But do you have others randoms?
1
SPEAKER_00
Like this, like you have to start the new year together.
1
SPEAKER_00
No.
1
SPEAKER_00
My parents have so many New Year s ones.
2
SPEAKER_00
Interesting.
2
SPEAKER_00
Why?
2
SPEAKER_00
Why New Year s?
2
SPEAKER_00
I mean, I guess because it s the beginning of the year and you have to start everything correctly.
2
SPEAKER_00
I remember when I first started breaking some of these rules.
2
SPEAKER_00
It was so hard, but it was so good for me.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, good.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_00
What was the first rule you broke?
2
SPEAKER_00
Well, one is you re not supposed to do laundry.
2
SPEAKER_00
What?
2
SPEAKER_00
On the first?
2
SPEAKER_00
Wait, you ve heard that?
2
SPEAKER_00
No.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I was gonna say, no one s heard it because I think my grandma probably made it up.
2
SPEAKER_00
That sounds convenient.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s like, no one s allowed.
2
SPEAKER_00
No, it s stressful because it s the last day kind of before you re back to work.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s New Year s Day, by the way, not New Year s Eve, New Year s Day.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s the day you do want to be doing laundry before you have to go back to school or work.
2
SPEAKER_00
You have to plan ahead and not do it that day.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay, so no laundry.
2
SPEAKER_00
They don t eat meat.
2
SPEAKER_00
That, I think, is a little more of an Indian thing.
2
SPEAKER_00
No spending money on New Year s Day.
2
SPEAKER_00
And then they have all this Southern, like, you have to eat black-eyed peas.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, wow.
2
SPEAKER_00
more.
2
SPEAKER_00
No fighting.
2
SPEAKER_00
I think they just incorporated that when my brother and I were- I love it.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s just like super, it s like using the veneer of superstitions to just get your kids to behave.
2
SPEAKER_00
To be nice.
2
SPEAKER_01
And not have to do chores.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
So they all got trickled in and now when I moved here and I was away, I went to dinner with a friend on New Year s Day and I remember, I was like,
2
SPEAKER_00
We probably ate meat and it was a big breaking of the rule, but it was good.
2
SPEAKER_00
I was like, I can t be so, this is too much.
2
SPEAKER_01
It feels good in general to do things differently than you had to do with your family.
2
SPEAKER_01
My family s visiting and there s so many things that like, they re like, where s the compost?
2
SPEAKER_01
And I was like, I don t use it.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like we don t do that at our house.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like, this is my house.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_01
And there were like all these little things that like feels really good to just— Like I have paper towels.
2
SPEAKER_01
They don t own paper towels.
2
SPEAKER_01
They only use reusable.
2
SPEAKER_01
And so like just the fact that I own paper towels feels like I m standing my ground.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m doing things.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m breaking the curse.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_00
Synced is supported by Vegamour.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay, so we love Vegamour.
2
SPEAKER_00
Love.
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And I always feel, we talked about this, after egg freezing, when we did it together, and then when I did it again, I feel like my hair thinned out.
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It s so weird.
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It happens.
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But Vegamour, when I use that consistently, I honestly feel like my hair is so much healthier.
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It s thicker.
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You know when you re in the shower and you re just showering and you re just pulling out so much hair?
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It freaks me out.
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I know.
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And then what I love is when I use Vegamour, you re like,
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massaging your hair and you can just feel the fullness, like there s something so comforting.
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I just feel like less is coming out, like it s just sturdier.
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Yes.
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Listen, if you want to know the key to stability in general, it s your breath.
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SPEAKER_01
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I ve always been a fan of breath work, but I ve only done it with like an instructor, which is like super annoying to like get to and like plan for and it s expensive.
2
SPEAKER_01
But since I started using the Open app, I can do it in my bedroom.
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SPEAKER_01
I can do it here in the attic if I come in a little earlier and I want to
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feel grounded.
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If you re like me, you ve tried so many different ways of managing your mental health that are not great, like partying and watching TV and scrolling on your phone, but the open app is an amazing way to just really take care of yourself.
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SPEAKER_01
And again, if you haven t tried breath work, it like changed my life.
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It does.
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It does.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s crazy.
2
SPEAKER_00
Again, we were talking about this before.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s the simplest things that actually have the biggest impact.
2
SPEAKER_00
And the Open app is great because it s just five minutes.
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It combines breath work, meditation, and fitness.
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So if you want to get on our daily routine, you can get 30 days free of Open by visiting withopen.com slash synced.
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Again, 30 days free by visiting withopen.com slash synced.
2
SPEAKER_00
How s it been with your family in town?
2
SPEAKER_00
It s good.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s good.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s like we re all on each other s nerves.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then you have to embrace it.
2
SPEAKER_01
You can t feel bad about it.
2
SPEAKER_00
Is everyone staying at your house?
2
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
And it s your mom, your dad, your sister, and your niece.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s a lot of people.
2
SPEAKER_01
And your roommate s there?
2
SPEAKER_01
No, she s gone, and we kind of planned it that way.
2
SPEAKER_01
But yes, it s a lot of people.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s a lot of stuff.
2
SPEAKER_01
Things that have never— Like, we have this table that s, like, really nice dining room.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like, we, like— All of a sudden, it has 20 scratches on it.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t even understand how it happened.
2
SPEAKER_01
And that s when I m like, I m not ready for kids.
2
SPEAKER_01
I can t— Like, I m such a— Being controlled.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like, noticing how, I feel like in my 20s, I probably was just as fucking controlling, but I didn t have any awareness or languish for it.
2
SPEAKER_01
And now when I notice it, it really gets on my nerves.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m like, why does it matter?
2
SPEAKER_01
I know.
2
SPEAKER_01
If there s little scratches, but it s like, no, I wanted to be the way that it, and so I made everyone,
2
SPEAKER_01
eat on a towel, on like a bath towel.
2
SPEAKER_01
I was like, we re putting this on the table because you guys are animals.
2
SPEAKER_01
What are you doing?
2
SPEAKER_01
Like, are you fiddling with wood?
2
SPEAKER_01
Like, I don t understand why there s scratches.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like, there s no— Anyway, it s just— Everyone turns into a toddler, I feel like, when it s family time.
2
SPEAKER_01
We were in the car, like everyone wants a different temperature.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s a lot of management.
2
SPEAKER_01
I have a lot of respect for people who have families.
2
SPEAKER_01
I love my family to death.
2
SPEAKER_01
Of course, that s the problem.
2
SPEAKER_00
And this is going around, right?
2
SPEAKER_00
Like I ve had this conversation with a few people.
2
SPEAKER_00
And everyone feels the same.
2
SPEAKER_00
And everyone feels guilty because in the conversation, everyone has to include, I love them so much.
2
SPEAKER_00
You feel like you have to say that because you sound like an asshole.
2
SPEAKER_00
But no one really has to say it because everyone knows that.
2
SPEAKER_00
We love our families.
2
SPEAKER_00
But they get annoying.
2
SPEAKER_00
They get so annoying and for so many different reasons.
2
SPEAKER_00
And we re annoying.
2
SPEAKER_01
Even like I m aware of how annoying I am.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m like, ugh, I need to just...
2
SPEAKER_00
What do you think you re bringing to the table that s annoying?
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh my, so much.
2
SPEAKER_01
Just the controlling?
2
SPEAKER_01
I m always cold.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh.
2
SPEAKER_01
The entire temperature of my house now is different because they are like, you re insane.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I m realizing that I need things like really warm.
2
SPEAKER_01
I really need breaks.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m like an iPad kid.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like I need kind of just to be on my own or I need to be on an- On your own space.
2
SPEAKER_01
Just like in a bathroom.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
I just need time.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s fair.
2
SPEAKER_00
That s normal.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m very annoying.
2
SPEAKER_01
What s annoying about you?
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh yeah, I think the controlling nature for sure is so annoying to everyone.
2
SPEAKER_00
But also, I just am picky.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like I m very picky.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m not easygoing as far as like, let s just go to this random restaurant.
2
SPEAKER_00
No, I don t.
2
SPEAKER_00
I want to go to that.
2
SPEAKER_00
I want to go to a good restaurant.
2
SPEAKER_00
Right.
2
SPEAKER_00
I mean, when we were in London this year, I really ran the show.
2
SPEAKER_00
Right.
2
SPEAKER_00
And it was nice.
2
SPEAKER_00
You liked that.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
You planned it all out.
2
SPEAKER_00
And they followed.
2
SPEAKER_00
They go along.
2
SPEAKER_00
They followed.
2
SPEAKER_00
I think they ve also just gotten better at not fighting about it.
2
SPEAKER_00
They re like, eh, she wants this.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s fine.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s fine.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
Because they ve been around us this whole time.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, they ve learned how to deal.
2
SPEAKER_01
With how annoying we are.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh my God.
2
SPEAKER_01
Life is precious and people are fucking annoying.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it s true.
2
SPEAKER_01
But I think I can tolerate my family so much better when I m honest.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like I feel like it s when I try and pretend like everything s okay or that I m not annoyed.
2
SPEAKER_01
What my sister is really good at and my entire family is that we re good at making jokes about things.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like we will joke about how annoying someone is or how annoying we are.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I feel like that breaks
2
SPEAKER_01
Because again, when you re annoyed, you re like, but I love them.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then you start, it s that second, you know, sword.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, you re like, oh, I m such a horrible person.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s like, no, dude, we re just a human.
2
SPEAKER_01
I know.
2
SPEAKER_00
Well, I think we should jump into some cues.
2
SPEAKER_00
Do you want to talk about your friend?
2
SPEAKER_00
No, it s okay.
2
SPEAKER_01
Thank you, though.
2
SPEAKER_01
We can talk about it another time.
2
SPEAKER_00
Liz, you wrote one in.
2
SPEAKER_00
I see.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, no, it isn t.
2
SPEAKER_00
No, I m kidding.
2
SPEAKER_00
Just a Liz wrote this.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, a Liz.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s our first Liz.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, let s read this one.
2
SPEAKER_00
How to balance my parents  concern about my health with my sanity.
2
SPEAKER_00
Ooh.
2
SPEAKER_00
This is from Vivek.
2
SPEAKER_00
This is a man.
2
SPEAKER_00
I love it.
2
SPEAKER_00
I love it.
2
SPEAKER_00
I am a 49-year-old American-born Indian guy living in Virginia.
2
SPEAKER_00
11 years ago, life was going well.
2
SPEAKER_00
I had taken over running our family s home building business.
2
SPEAKER_00
I had gotten married, and we had just had our third child.
2
SPEAKER_00
The day after he was born, though, when I was 38, I was diagnosed with Parkinson s disease.
2
SPEAKER_00
Needless to say, it was a shocker, but I ve dealt with it better than I could have expected.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m fighting it as hard as I can, including engaging in a crazy amount of exercise.
2
SPEAKER_00
Although there is no cure, exercise helps me resist the ravaging effects as long as possible.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yes, my family was dealt a shitty hand, but there have been a lot of surprisingly joyful and insightful moments as well.
2
SPEAKER_00
The problem is my parents.
2
SPEAKER_00
Understandably, they are worried and sad for me, especially when I see them and they
3
SPEAKER_01
can see how much I ve progressed.
3
SPEAKER_01
They literally show pity in their voices.
3
SPEAKER_01
They make that tisking, clicking sound when you touch your tongue to the roof of your mouth that is common in Indian culture.
3
SPEAKER_01
Monica, you might know what I mean.
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t.
3
SPEAKER_01
Is that it?
3
SPEAKER_01
Like this?
3
SPEAKER_01
Maybe.
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t know it, but maybe that s it.
3
SPEAKER_01
They are getting noticeably older themselves, and I know this is not good for their health, especially their mental health.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s also not good for me, as I tend to be a far more positive person.
3
SPEAKER_01
I ve tried telling them this, and I ve even tried telling them that I feel inadequate for not being able to take care of them, which is true.
3
SPEAKER_01
But no matter what I say, that just makes them more sad.
3
SPEAKER_01
As a result, I avoid contact with them far more than I would like.
3
SPEAKER_01
We live less than 10 minutes apart, but I only see them twice a month on average.
3
SPEAKER_01
What do I do?
3
SPEAKER_01
I know that I will look back and regret this.
3
SPEAKER_01
In fact, I already do regret it, but the last thing I want is pity and knowing that I m causing them concern.
3
SPEAKER_01
You two rock more than you know, Vivek. 
3
SPEAKER_01
Gosh, you know what sucks so much is when you are a victim in something and you have to protect everyone else around you.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s so unjust.
3
SPEAKER_01
It happens all the time in so many different ways, but this one feels particularly like this.
3
SPEAKER_00
And in many ways, Vivek probably doesn t even feel like a victim, right?
3
SPEAKER_00
Exactly.
3
SPEAKER_00
That disability, I m going to try not to make it political, but we do live in an ableist society, which means that people believe and were raised to believe that in every media that we see, slash we don t see people with disabilities thriving or just existing in media.
3
SPEAKER_00
We only see these sad stories and then non-disabled people playing their roles, win Oscars for them.
3
SPEAKER_00
But like, that s a story.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s not reality.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it s certainly not his reality based on what he s sharing and based on the reality that many people with disabilities share.
3
SPEAKER_00
But they re forced to like take on the ableist principles.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so the way that we imagine ourselves, if we were to become disabled, we think it s going to be this thing.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then in reality, what it is, is actually very different.
3
SPEAKER_00
We as human beings, our ability to adapt is extraordinary, but our ability to realize that we can adapt is really bad.
3
SPEAKER_00
So we project, if I get Parkinson s, every day is going to be a one out of 10.
3
SPEAKER_00
Maybe the first day, maybe the second day, maybe for a week, maybe for, you know, but eventually you ll get back to your baseline happiness, actually.
3
SPEAKER_00
Or a little bit below, but pretty much like you ll adapt.
3
SPEAKER_00
It depends.
3
SPEAKER_00
But there s like literal studies about this.
3
SPEAKER_01
But one that s degenerating your physical health.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I m not saying, I guess the ability to adapt is very big, but unless it s happening to you, that s something that s very hard for you to comprehend.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so the point I m trying to make is that I have a lot of compassion for him because it s coming not just from his parents, but from society in general.
3
SPEAKER_00
I would tell them that.
3
SPEAKER_00
Sounds like he has.
3
SPEAKER_01
That s the problem.
3
SPEAKER_01
This is, again, ding, ding, ding, parents.
3
SPEAKER_01
They re a specific type of relationship where sometimes these things that should work and normally do work in other relationships, like setting these particular boundaries.
3
SPEAKER_00
I would just be very specific.
3
SPEAKER_00
I would say, what I need from you is support
3
SPEAKER_00
in these three specific ways, or this one specific way.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like, I really appreciate when you send me positive messages, like positive good morning messages.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t know what the fuck.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like, parents also want to support, but they don t often know how.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so it might be, again, like with your dad, it s like, it s really helpful when you build things that help make my apartment more accessible.
3
SPEAKER_00
And that would be like really helpful to get your support in that way so that they feel like they re helping you without,
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, because clearly emotional support is maybe not going to be the thing that they re able to do right now.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so, giving them specific things that would be helpful, almost like instructions, I think could be tremendously helpful.
3
SPEAKER_00
And being also specific with the things that you don t want.
3
SPEAKER_00
Saying, when you do that sound with your mouth, and you sigh and roll your eyes or whatever specific, you know, things they do, please don t do that in my presence.
3
SPEAKER_00
And if you do, I m going to have to cut our visit short, or I m going to have to leave the room.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, that s all you can do is say what you need.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then if you still aren t getting it, I think acceptance around having limited interactions, if that s what you have to do to maintain your own level of positivity and keep your health up.
3
SPEAKER_01
Then you have to do that.
3
SPEAKER_01
So and maybe say hey, I want to spend more time together It feels like we should be able to spend more time together But the reason we re not just be straight up The reason we re not is this is I always leave feeling bad and that I have to take care of you and feelings about my disease Yeah, yeah, and living with I never feel good after
3
SPEAKER_01
We have to figure out a way for that not to happen.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then see if slowly, it won t, it will not be a flip of the switch because they don t realize they re doing it even probably.
3
SPEAKER_01
That s the thing.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s so ingrained.
3
SPEAKER_01
Your parents are going to worry about you forever.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yes, that s right.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so now there s this thing for them to really cling on to.
3
SPEAKER_00
Or even, I mean, again, you know, I ve been having some health stuff.
3
SPEAKER_00
I ve had some difficulty with my mom because it s the same thing.
3
SPEAKER_00
She just latches onto it and then asks me all these questions and it s just, it s so annoying.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s just like, it makes it so much worse.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I ve just said like, I don t want to talk about this topic with you.
3
SPEAKER_00
If I need to talk about it, I ll bring it up, but I do not want to talk about this with you.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I can tell she wants to, but then we don t.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then I change the topic.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think sort of taking control of the conversation and bringing it to what you do want to talk about with them and being assertive in that is good.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then also finding, I hope, and it seems like you do, like just friends and even other people in your community who don t treat you that way.
3
SPEAKER_00
Because I think that s also... Yeah, balancing out.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s also kind of an old school way of viewing disability.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I think there s a lot of people out there who view it very differently and that could be really refreshing.
3
SPEAKER_01
This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.
3
SPEAKER_01
What are some things you want to keep about yourself in the new year?
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, I love this question.
3
SPEAKER_00
I ve been meditating more and I want to keep it up.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think it s been very positive for me and it s a habit that I, yeah, I want to bring into the new year.
3
SPEAKER_00
What about you?
3
SPEAKER_01
I love that.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I think I want to keep incorporating exercise into my daily life as opposed to I m working out for an hour and then that s it.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know, I want to be a little more fluid, which I think I ve done a good job of last year and I want to keep doing.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then obviously therapy, we re keeping it, we re never letting it go.
3
SPEAKER_01
I ve told at least three people that they must start therapy this year.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s just such a good, it just feels like a safety net and we all need that.
3
SPEAKER_01
So if you re thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s intense.
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entirely online, which we love, designed to be convenient, flexible, suited to your schedule.
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You just have to fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist.
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It s so easy.
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So celebrate the progress you ve already made.
3
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Visit betterhelp.com slash synced today to get 10% off your first month.
3
SPEAKER_01
That s betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash synced, S-Y-N-C-E-D.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, well, this is an interesting heading.
3
SPEAKER_01
Another man.
3
SPEAKER_01
Ooh, the man episode.
3
SPEAKER_01
Male feminist codependent versus thongs and pubic hair.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m so interested already.
3
SPEAKER_01
This is from Nick.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, okay.
3
SPEAKER_01
I like this.
3
SPEAKER_01
I ve always considered myself a feminist, but unfortunately, I m also afflicted with extreme codependence, which I m now trying to overcome.
3
SPEAKER_01
I ve started by being more vocal about what I prefer in the small day-to-day stuff, and over time, I ve worked my way up to more touchy subjects, and this led me to admitting to my girlfriend that there are certain things I find more appealing in the hanky-panky business.
3
SPEAKER_01
Namely that I find thong underwear and well-groomed pubic hair to be a turn-on.
3
SPEAKER_01
This did not go particularly well since she is a quote big panties And quote bush type of girl and she got defensive and insecure Saying she has never tried any of those things and never will she went so far as to accuse me of being anti-feminist since no woman would ever
3
SPEAKER_01
ever honestly prefer to wear uncomfortable underwear and spend time grooming yet another part of her body.
3
SPEAKER_01
However shallow my taste, I know I m not anti-feminist for having a preference, but my codependence is firing on all cylinders, and I need an objective opinion.
3
SPEAKER_01
Are thongs really that torturous?
3
SPEAKER_01
Are there some desires and preferences that should never be communicated when you know the other person won t be very receptive?
3
SPEAKER_01
Thanks, and I hope the syncticate can help.
3
SPEAKER_01
Syncticate?
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
I like it.
3
SPEAKER_01
PS, thanks for offering an honest and real view into women.
3
SPEAKER_01
Listening feels like the mature version of secretly reading a Cosmopolitan when we were boys.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I love that.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s such a good question.
3
SPEAKER_01
I love when men write it.
3
SPEAKER_00
Me too.
3
SPEAKER_00
I really want to encourage them.
3
SPEAKER_00
And that they listen.
3
SPEAKER_01
I just think it s lovely that they listen.
3
SPEAKER_01
Because actually, I wanted to bring this up.
3
SPEAKER_01
I have some friends, I know of two of them, who are incredible friends.
3
SPEAKER_01
And because they re incredible friends, they listen to all of the armchair stuff, except one.
4
SPEAKER_01
Which is this show.
4
SPEAKER_01
Two men.
4
SPEAKER_01
And it s really interesting, because speaking of feminism, one of them I find to be, like, so feminist and very progressive and will argue with me on liberal ideals and stuff.
4
SPEAKER_01
And it kind of, like, came out in conversation that he doesn t listen.
4
SPEAKER_01
And he was saying it as if, like, duh, I don t listen.
4
SPEAKER_01
Obviously, because it s a show for women.
4
SPEAKER_01
It made me really think, why would you choose to not listen to this because it s to women?
4
SPEAKER_01
Women listen to shows with men all the time, kind of almost exclusively.
4
SPEAKER_00
We don t have a lot of other options.
4
SPEAKER_00
Other options.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s so interesting.
4
SPEAKER_01
I wasn t really the right person to push it because it s our show.
4
SPEAKER_01
You re like, why?
4
SPEAKER_01
Why don t you listen to one of- You re sexist.
4
SPEAKER_00
The female show?
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, no, but what?
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, this to me is the crux of hetero-pessimism and just how hard relationships are between women and men because women know everything that men like and men know almost nothing that women like.
4
SPEAKER_00
And that s because we listen to men and we have had to listen to men since we ve been born.
4
SPEAKER_00
information that we get from the news in movies.
4
SPEAKER_00
And, like, obviously, in the last few years, we ve had a big shift, so there s more options, and I think the next generation will grow up with different things.
4
SPEAKER_00
But, like, even our cartoon characters were boys.
4
SPEAKER_00
Like, we have empathy.
4
SPEAKER_00
I mean, I was listening, whatever, this TikTok came into my feed, and there s this guy that s, like, a very big podcast by a man.
4
SPEAKER_00
There s a few out there.
4
SPEAKER_00
And he s interviewing the CIA spy or whatever, and he s like, what s one thing you could teach us about being a spy that would be super helpful to people in their real life?
4
SPEAKER_00
And this guy goes into basically like empathy.
4
SPEAKER_00
Like he s like, if you re able to put yourself in the shoes of the other person, you become invincible.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I m like, okay, so empathy?
4
SPEAKER_00
Like the thing that like women just- Innately.
4
SPEAKER_00
We innately have- More of.
4
SPEAKER_00
More of, but then also that is programming to us because we are constantly being put in the shoes of men.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, we re putting the shoes of a person that is not us constantly without our choice.
4
SPEAKER_00
And particularly women of color, right?
4
SPEAKER_00
Like then you get even more granular, but like, I m going to sound like man-hating, but I think that s why so many of my dates are bad.
4
SPEAKER_00
Like, I m like, you don t know anything about women.
4
SPEAKER_00
Like, and I know everything about you.
4
SPEAKER_00
I know everything.
4
SPEAKER_00
Again, the thong, the, I know all your preferences.
4
SPEAKER_00
Right.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I ve been thinking about them for a really long time and been amending myself to them probably too much.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I think with men, it s a complete sort of reverse.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh my God, we went down a tangent.
4
SPEAKER_01
Well, no, because, I mean, I actually, I m saying this because I want to commend these men who have chosen to listen to a, quote, girl s show, or a women s show, or a female-based show, because apparently,
4
SPEAKER_01
that is not that common.
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, you know what s funny is that most of my friends, I don t make my friends, they don t have to listen to anything.
4
SPEAKER_00
But when they do, I just think it s nice.
4
SPEAKER_00
But I m like, you already talked to me all day.
4
SPEAKER_00
You don t have to listen more of me.
4
SPEAKER_00
But most of my, the people in my life, most of my friends who listen to the show are guys.
4
SPEAKER_00
Really?
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
A lot of my guy friends will be like, oh yeah, I really like that episode or like send me like things and I m like, more of guys listen to it, which is so funny.
4
SPEAKER_00
But that s probably not our demo.
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, no, it definitely isn t.
4
SPEAKER_00
Just based on our questions.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, that s interesting.
4
SPEAKER_00
I mean, that s good.
4
SPEAKER_00
I just find it— Well, it s also— Let me just give one— Also, out of compassion for men, it s not cool to like things that women like.
4
SPEAKER_00
I know.
4
SPEAKER_00
Right?
4
SPEAKER_00
So, that s also what s standing— I think a lot of men would enjoy things that are girl interests or whatever, but are pushed away from them from a very young age.
4
SPEAKER_00
Again, it s like the patriarchy hurts us all.
4
SPEAKER_00
But it sets up men where, yeah, there s probably a lot of potential psynced male listeners who just aren t reaching their full potential as psync squad members because they think it s not for them or they ve been discouraged from it.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
I mean, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
I guess it s a natural thing that if you see two women in like a pink outfit that like you- Blue.
4
SPEAKER_01
Pink and blue.
4
SPEAKER_01
Exactly.
4
SPEAKER_01
That you won t relate.
4
SPEAKER_01
And maybe you don t.
4
SPEAKER_01
Maybe they ve tried it and they re just like, I don t relate.
4
SPEAKER_01
But I just find it interesting because these two people in particular, they listen to everything.
4
SPEAKER_01
They listen to every other show we have.
4
SPEAKER_01
Anywho.
4
SPEAKER_01
Okay, so Nick.
4
SPEAKER_01
First of all, it s such a personal preference.
4
SPEAKER_01
I mean, even for women, it s such a personal preference.
4
SPEAKER_01
I do like thongs.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I also feel like I m not supposed to say that.
4
SPEAKER_00
But I do.
4
SPEAKER_01
There s a certain brand that I use and I don t feel it.
4
SPEAKER_01
And sometimes when I wear full coverage underwear, I find that more uncomfortable because it can like bunch or wedgie in a way that I don t find as comfortable.
4
SPEAKER_01
So that is, it s just so personal.
4
SPEAKER_01
And, you know, it s a little frustrating.
4
SPEAKER_01
I feel like it s frustrating for Nick.
4
SPEAKER_01
It must be, right?
4
SPEAKER_01
Because often women are like forcing men to tell them their preferences just out of curiosity.
4
SPEAKER_01
Like, I do that all the time.
4
SPEAKER_01
We ve done it on Armchair, I m sure, where I m like, okay, but just if you had to pick
4
SPEAKER_01
would you prefer bald vagina or bush?
4
SPEAKER_01
I m dying to know just the general consensus, not because I m gonna change what I do, but I m just so curious.
4
SPEAKER_01
Me too.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, and I think a lot of women are, and I know a lot of women have asked their partners, like, what do you prefer?
4
SPEAKER_01
Because some of my friends I know have asked their partners, what do you prefer?
4
SPEAKER_01
Because I don t actually care.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, okay.
4
SPEAKER_01
So for you, like, so like, do you have a preference?
4
SPEAKER_01
Because I don t.
4
SPEAKER_01
It sounds like Nick s girlfriend has a strong preference.
4
SPEAKER_01
And so that s what she s going to do.
4
SPEAKER_01
And you re going to have to be okay with that.
4
SPEAKER_01
I think it s okay that he said his preference as long as he follows up with, but I also don t give a fuck.
4
SPEAKER_01
Like I m happy to be with you regardless.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s all wonderful.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
4
SPEAKER_00
I think he handled it the right way.
4
SPEAKER_00
I think these are very normal conversations.
4
SPEAKER_00
I think these are not just normal, healthy.
4
SPEAKER_00
I think it s good to ask questions and to say what you like and to hear what the other person feels.
4
SPEAKER_00
And that s the thing, like sometimes those preferences align, and that s great.
4
SPEAKER_00
And sometimes they don t.
4
SPEAKER_00
The person that you re with is into stuff that you re really not into, or sometimes they re really into something, and as a little gift, you re like, I can tolerate this thing and do it for them on their birthday, or do it for them because I want to, not because I feel forced to.
4
SPEAKER_00
And so, this seems like it became this touchy topic, but I think that you re allowed to have preferences.
4
SPEAKER_01
And it s not you re allowed, you do.
4
SPEAKER_01
You do, you do.
4
SPEAKER_00
We all have preferences.
4
SPEAKER_01
That s just, it s just.
4
SPEAKER_01
So, roll reverse it a little bit.
4
SPEAKER_01
If you have a hairy chest or you don t have a hairy chest, and then your partner was like, I really like the opposite.
4
SPEAKER_01
How would you feel about that?
4
SPEAKER_01
You d probably be like, well, okay.
4
SPEAKER_01
I mean, I have this.
4
SPEAKER_01
I have this.
4
SPEAKER_01
So, do you not find this attractive?
4
SPEAKER_01
You don t find me attractive?
4
SPEAKER_01
Like, it gets out of hand really quickly.
4
SPEAKER_01
So, I think having empathy, again, about the way you re saying it.
4
SPEAKER_01
I kind of, I don t know.
4
SPEAKER_01
Like, I find this sexy, but nothing is,
4
SPEAKER_01
sexier than you.
4
SPEAKER_01
You, the way you want to be.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s not sexy to have people uncomfortable.
4
SPEAKER_01
That s for sure.
4
SPEAKER_01
So if she s going to do this and then feel uncomfortable or feel like gross about herself, you won t even like it.
4
SPEAKER_01
It will ruin everything anyway.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I think where we get into trouble is when we don t say what we want or share our sexual fantasies and ideas.
4
SPEAKER_01
But sexual fantasies and ideas are different than body.
4
SPEAKER_01
But that s part of it, right?
4
SPEAKER_01
I see what you re saying, but it s not like I m really into anal.
4
SPEAKER_00
I know you re not.
4
SPEAKER_01
Just telling you, like, that s different than, I like a type of body.
4
SPEAKER_00
Okay, well, the pubic hair, I guess you re right.
4
SPEAKER_00
I think the underwear thing, because I hate thongs with so much passion.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, you do.
4
SPEAKER_00
But I understand, and I enjoy them in the bedroom.
4
SPEAKER_00
I think there s like a time and a place.
4
SPEAKER_00
But if my boyfriend was like, I want you to wear thongs every day, I d be like, no, I m not.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I guess the pubic hair is, but that can also change, right?
4
SPEAKER_00
It s not like lose weight and then like be this thing, be different all the time.
4
SPEAKER_00
It seems like it was something that he would want to like try or like for her to try as opposed to like be forever.
4
SPEAKER_01
I mean, he said he prefers that.
4
SPEAKER_01
So it s not one or the other.
4
SPEAKER_01
He s just saying what he prefers and it s not what she prefers about her own body.
4
SPEAKER_01
So I think you can say your preferences with the caveat.
4
SPEAKER_01
None of it actually matters.
4
SPEAKER_01
However you find yourself to be sexy, then that s all I care about really.
4
SPEAKER_01
So I think both can happen.
4
SPEAKER_01
I agree.
4
SPEAKER_01
But we re split on thongs.
4
SPEAKER_00
So it s just person to person.
4
SPEAKER_00
And all these things, pubic hair too.
4
SPEAKER_00
There s so many different variations and ways of doing all of it.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
All of it.
4
SPEAKER_00
I know.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I love this question.
4
SPEAKER_00
That was good.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, this is sweet.
4
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh my God, another man.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, I don t know.
4
SPEAKER_01
It could be a girl.
4
SPEAKER_01
I turned 30 today.
4
SPEAKER_01
What do you wish you d been told at 30?
4
SPEAKER_01
This is from Andy, but I don t know the gender.
4
SPEAKER_01
It doesn t matter, actually.
5
SPEAKER_01
Today s my 30th birthday and it s Wednesday, so of course I m listening to Syncd and wondering what advice would Monica and Liz give me as I start this new decade.
5
SPEAKER_01
I spent my 20s taking life pretty seriously, working a lot, buying my first house, going to tons of therapy.
5
SPEAKER_01
Good job.
5
SPEAKER_01
navigating health challenges, et cetera.
5
SPEAKER_01
Similar to Monica, I also hardly dated, haven t had sex yet, and sometimes feel insane to be so inexperienced romantically.
5
SPEAKER_01
As I look at my 30s, I m hopeful, and I can t help but expect a lot from them.
5
SPEAKER_01
I want to experience life more fully and loosen up.
5
SPEAKER_01
What do you wish you d known, been told, realized going into your 30s?
5
SPEAKER_01
Thanks for the light you two put out, Everee.
5
SPEAKER_01
week.
5
SPEAKER_01
Okay, first of all, happy birthday.
5
SPEAKER_00
Happy birthday, Andy.
5
SPEAKER_01
Happy birthday.
5
SPEAKER_01
30s are so much better than 20s.
5
SPEAKER_01
I think 99% of people would agree with that.
5
SPEAKER_01
You really start understanding yourself in a way that you can t in your 20s because you re just learning so much.
5
SPEAKER_01
But what would I wish someone had
5
SPEAKER_01
told me.
5
SPEAKER_01
I think anytime you have super high expectations, it s really hard to meet them regardless of what they are, so.
5
SPEAKER_00
30 is so young.
5
SPEAKER_00
Oh my gosh.
5
SPEAKER_00
That s actually what I wish I d known, because remember we talked about that episode of Friends where they turn 30, and there s something so visceral about being 36 and seeing that, and seeing them freak out about being 30.
5
SPEAKER_00
And in my head, they were like 40, right?
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
You know, they kind of look older, because that s how people dress.
5
SPEAKER_00
Because they look a little bit older.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
5
SPEAKER_00
But what I wish I d known is don t take yourself too seriously.
5
SPEAKER_00
Because now I feel like I need to take my— Like, people have expectations of me as in, like, I m 36.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like, I kind of need to have my shit together to a certain extent.
5
SPEAKER_00
But in your early 30s, you don t.
5
SPEAKER_00
You know more, but you can still make a lot of mistakes, basically.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like, make a lot of mistakes.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like, your early 30s—
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, fail a lot and take a lot of risks because you re still young enough that you can recover from anything.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like you re still so young and you can make so many changes and take like right and left turns.
5
SPEAKER_00
So don t try and like, yeah, basically what you re of like the high expectations being like, well, now I need to have my shit together.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like, no, you don t.
5
SPEAKER_00
Take advantage of those first few years in your early thirties because people haven t noticed that you re not still in your late twenties.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, but you re like a better version of yourself.
5
SPEAKER_01
Exactly.
5
SPEAKER_01
But you can still be immature in some ways.
5
SPEAKER_01
Exactly.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I like that.
5
SPEAKER_01
That s good.
5
SPEAKER_01
You definitely don t have to have everything figured out.
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And not you don t have to, you don t and you won t.
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And we still don t.
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I don t.
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And I have friends who are about to be 50 and some friends who are in their 50s.
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who don t.
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It s kind of all a... It s all a game.
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Well, it s just fake.
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It s all fake.
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It s this whole thing, like, where we think you are this age, so you should have this, or you should feel like this.
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It s all made up.
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So just, like, just enjoy your birthday and get excited that you have a fun decade ahead.
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Yeah.
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And 30s is also where you, like... I had a boyfriend that was older than me, and I remember, like, I had a little bit of a...
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existential crisis of sorts, turning 30 or 31.
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And he was like, your 20s are for when you, yeah, try everything, do anything, no one cares.
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30s is when you actually kind of deepen your expertise.
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It was more career related, I guess.
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And then 40s is where you level up, then you re at the sort of top of that expertise that you ve built.
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But there s something about 30s that I expected things to move as fast as in my 20s.
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And that s why I was frustrated and thought I was like failing.
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but actually 30s is more of a long game.
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Like it just, I guess you re more slow and steady instead of sort of rocket ship, which was what your 20s can feel like.
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And so if things feel like they re going slower, don t worry.
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It actually is you kind of leveling up and sort of steadying into yourself.
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Yeah.
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And as far as relationships, especially if you haven t had many in your 20s, 30s is a better time.
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It s so fun.
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Because, again, you know more about what you want, and that ll only get more and more and more as you age.
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And that is the best way to find a partner, when you know yourself and know what you want and not let society sort of dictate it.
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Because I think in your 20s, you re letting everyone else tell you who you need to be.
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In your 30s, you start understanding who you want to be.
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That s so true.
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So it s exciting.
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It s so fun.
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SPEAKER_00
Happy birthday, Andi.
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Happy birthday.
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All right.
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I think that s gonna be it for today.
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Thanks for listening.
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Guys, keep writing in.
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We love your questions.
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And we will see you next week.
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See you.
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Bye.
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SPEAKER_01
Bye.