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My name is Lee Hawkins.
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I ve been a journalist for over 25 years.
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On my new podcast, What Happened in Alabama, I get answers to some of the hardest questions about how things came to be for many black Americans and the truth that must come before any reconciliation can happen.
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I investigate my family history, my upbringing in Minnesota, and my father s painful nightmares about growing up in Alabama.
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What Happened in Alabama is a new series confronting the cycles of trauma for myself, my family, and for many Black Americans.
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Listen now.
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Listeners, a few weeks ago I asked you to tell me about your life-changing encounters, those chance once-in-a-lifetime moments that alter the course of your life forever.
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Here s what a couple of you had to say.
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Sarah in North Carolina says, I was working at a brunch restaurant when a customer told me that they ran a postpartum doula agency and that they were looking for more employees.
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I went to their weekend training, learned all about the fourth trimester and how to help families through that time.
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I ended up taking a job with them, then went off on my own and did infant care nanny jobs.
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I ve been doing this type of work for 10 years now.
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Before that, I didn t really know what direction I wanted to go.
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I was serving tables just as a way to make money.
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Now I love my job.
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Had I not been working that day or had that table not been mine, I don t know if I would have found that opportunity.
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And Jenny shares, I fell deeply in love at 18, got married at 23, and when I was 26, he divorced me.
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That was the most devastating thing I thought could ever happen to me.
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I was sick for weeks.
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I couldn t eat.
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I couldn t sleep.
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I didn t even know who I was.
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Then something switched inside of me.
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This horrible thing gave me the freedom to discover what I really wanted.
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I sold my house, I packed up my car and dog, left the state, and ended up in Savannah.
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I have the life that I thought I never deserved to even want.
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I m furiously happy, I m so in love with myself, and it never would have happened if I hadn t gone through what I thought was the biggest tragedy I could ever experience.
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Wow.
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Sarah and Jenny, thanks for sharing and congratulations to both of you.
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I can so relate.
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I packed up my life and moved to Los Angeles on a whim because I went through a breakup and my two closest friends were moving.
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I thought, well, I ll just go out there and hang out and lay low for a while and then I ll just go back to Denver, which is where I d been living.
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While I was in LA,
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I was surrounded by all this opportunity to do stand-up and so because I d always secretly dreamed of doing stand-up, I got into it and I ve been here for almost 26 years doing stand-up comedy.
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And Jenny, I feel like so many people can relate to what you re saying in those moments when you think a breakup is just there s no possible way to recover from it.
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There s no possible way to pick yourself up off the floor.
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Of course, it s important to have that time when you re on the floor.
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But once you get up, the entire world is open to you.
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And I m so happy that you found your way to where you are today.
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All right.
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Well, thank you so much.
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It was so fun to read that, to be reminded of how you really never know what s coming in life.
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All right.
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Now on with the show.
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I need more information.
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That s the thing.
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We don t get more information.
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We just get this little blurb that comes in.
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This is a nightmare, Tig.
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This is a nightmare.
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Listen, this whole situation is a nightmare.
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This is Don t Ask Tig, I m Tig Notaro, and you re rolling the dice when you ask me for advice.
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Joining me today is an Emmy-nominated actor and comedian.
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You know her from Hacks on HBO Max, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and Disney s Finding Dory.
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her starring roles as Mickey in the Fox comedy, The Mick, and as Sweet D on It s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
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Now headed for its 16th season, Caitlin Olsen.
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Good morning, my friend.
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Good morning, and welcome to Don t Ask Tig.
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Oh, thank you so much.
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Do you remember where and how we met?
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Yeah, we met on the Sklar Brothers
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What was it?
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Was it a- It was a web series.
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A web series.
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That s right.
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It was something.
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It was something.
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I really enjoyed you.
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I loved you right away.
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I wanted to be best friends.
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Same.
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Then it just went nowhere.
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But remember when they edited the web series into a feature film?
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Yeah.
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There was a premiere.
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Was there a premiere?
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There was a premiere.
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Did I go to it?
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You did, and so did somebody that represented you.
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Maybe your publicist or agent or manager or something.
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I walked up to you saying something rude or mean or weird, just a continuation of the way we had been treating each other on set.
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Yeah.
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And your rep... Were you grabbed?
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Your rep kind of got in between me and you and was like, excuse me, you know.
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Well, I don t know who that was, but they are fired.
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They re long fired.
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It was such an indication that I was so not anywhere in my career because I was at the premiere of a project I was in.
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That you were in?
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And your rep tried to have me removed.
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You were like, this is Tig.
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She s in the thing.
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This is my friend.
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I don t remember that, but my rep was probably just trying to make me feel important.
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You know what I mean?
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It was probably all very fake just for my benefit.
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Right.
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Normally something I would love.
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Sorry that happened to you.
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I love that that happened.
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And I ve told it many times.
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You were like, this is my friend.
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It would have been way funnier if I was like, thank you so much.
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Please remove this woman.
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I thought Curb Your Enthusiasm was the longest running show, but Always Sunny is.
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That s right.
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We re in the middle of shooting season 16 right now.
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That is insanity.
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Yeah, it s crazy.
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But we re doing a thing that Curb s doing, which is like, oh, we re all doing something else.
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We ll take a year or two off and then come back, which is really smart because it just keeps it fun.
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Nobody s sick of it.
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So you feel like that is the key to the longevity of the show?
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It s one of the keys.
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I mean, we all just are having so much fun.
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And I think that we recognize that it s just something so special when we we go off and do another project.
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I think we re all kind of like, OK, that was fun.
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But boy, are these hours long.
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And it s just other projects are just so much more strenuous.
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We just crank out a day and we re there from like maybe seven to four or five.
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I m home to make dinner for my kids.
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It s just kind of a dream job.
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So you genuinely have a blast doing it.
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I absolutely love it.
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And we shoot, you know, we re doing, right now we re doing eight, I think eight to 10 episodes a season.
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This year we re doing eight episodes.
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So it s not,
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No, it s totally doable and we re so happy to see each other and those guys are my best friends.
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They re so much fun to play with and it s legitimately funny and fun and we don t get burnt out and we love our crew.
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Most of them have been with us this entire time and yeah, it s kind of like going home.
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When you say they re all your friends, one of them is more than your friend.
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We re lovers.
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Yeah.
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More than one of us are lovers, strangely.
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Just kidding.
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I m only lovers with the one publicly.
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Did you meet on the show?
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Yeah.
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He hired me.
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He was technically my boss.
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That was spicy.
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This is Rob we re talking about.
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Yeah.
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You and Rob kissing in a tree.
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Kissing in a trailer.
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You also, my understanding is that you re drawn to broken characters.
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Is this true?
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Well, I just find it funny.
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I just find somebody who s broken and like desperate to like climb back out of something by whatever means necessary.
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I just find that funny.
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Have you connected on a personal level?
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Have you ever felt broken?
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Do you feel broken?
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Right now, you think you feel like I m broken?
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Yeah, I think for most of my childhood, I felt pretty broken.
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I wasn t the pretty one or the smart one.
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I definitely was the one who got in a lot of accidents.
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Wait, what do you mean got in a lot of accidents?
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Also, you re a very attractive person and you re a very funny person.
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And to be funny, you ve got to be somewhat intelligent.
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I m speaking from experience.
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Okay.
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Well, no, that s true.
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I m pretty smart.
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Yeah.
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Thank you.
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Yeah.
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I don t know.
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But don t you feel like the funniest people, you know, have backgrounds and childhoods where like messy and
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I do, but also most people have that.
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That s true.
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And some just buckle.
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But we rose to the occasion, you and I. Is that what you re saying?
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Or people aren t in the limelight.
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And so you don t necessarily know about them.
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Right.
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People like to say that if you re a comedian, you re probably, you know, a mess.
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Yeah, just all of that.
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And it s like, not always.
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Don t you think that probably your mail carrier or your next door neighbor, that other people are- They ve had it great.
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Clearly.
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Everyone s fine except comedians in the limelight.
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No, you re absolutely right.
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I think that most people have had hard moments and
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things to overcome.
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I just know that for me personally, I mean, it s kind of a boring story I ve told a million times, but I was in like a pretty big accident when I was in the 6th grade, which was the end of elementary school, going into, we called it junior high.
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Um, which was a bigger school with more people.
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And where was this?
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This was in Tigard, Oregon.
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And I got in this bike accident where I slammed on my front brakes going downhill and flew over the bike and landed on my face and the bike landed on my head and punched a big hole in my head.
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And so I was like.
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surgery and shaved head and reconstructive surgery on my face and my teeth were all like, had to be put back together and my lip had to be fixed.
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And it was, yeah.
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So I, that was me going into seventh grade, which was super attractive.
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Awesome time of childhood.
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Oh yeah.
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The, the, the, the boys went wild for me after that.
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See, I didn t even have a terrible accident like that, and the boys went nuts for me as well.
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Did they?
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Well, see?
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No.
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Then you ve disproved my theory.
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No, I did run around with a gaggle of dudes.
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Yeah.
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I hung out with the rocker dudes and stuff.
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SPEAKER_00
Well, you were cool.
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You were cool.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I was cool.
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Yeah, smoking and hanging out.
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Ooh, that is cool.
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I bet your lungs are pretty cool.
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Oh, man.
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Good thing I never ended up getting cancer.
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So you and Rob have been, you ve been married, is it 15 years now?
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I ve been counting over the years.
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Oh, thank you for counting.
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14.
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14.
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One to grow on.
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One to grow on.
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Yeah.
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Do you have any marital advice for listeners or for me?
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For you.
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How long have you been married?
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Well, Stephanie and I have been together 10 years now and we ve been married, we re going on eight years.
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Oh, that s great.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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I just think, well, you got to give each other space.
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I think that people get married and then things start to bug them about that person.
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But then if you look back, those things were always there.
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You found it charming at one point.
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I think just remembering that, like, OK, I knew this about this person going into it.
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Maybe lay off a bit.
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Yeah.
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Cut each other some slack.
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Give them the benefit of the doubt.
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Don t keep score.
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All that stuff.
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Yeah.
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Right.
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Yeah.
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I think so.
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I think so, for sure.
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Yeah, everybody s doing their best.
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And if they re not, something s going on, just everybody relax.
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Yeah, there is that thing of like, this is who you marry.
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These are the things you were drawn to, I m assuming.
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Stephanie and I always talk about how, as so many people that are alive, whether they re married or not, change so much.
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If you get stuck in this thought process of, why are you doing this?
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You never did that before.
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Wow, you ve really changed as though it s a bad thing.
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Yeah.
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It s like if I met Stephanie as she was 10 years ago right now,
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I would not marry her.
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Really?
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She met.
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Oh, for sure.
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If she met me 10 years ago right now, the 10 years ago.
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Yeah.
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Right now.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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You wouldn t marry me.
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We ve grown.
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Yeah.
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So much.
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You re supposed to.
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It s good.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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When people are like, oh, my God, you ve changed.
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It s like, well, I hope so.
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Absolutely.
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I hope you re changing.
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Well, yeah.
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You can t be stuck in that 25 year old mentality forever.
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Change is really good, but it s really scary for people.
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Yeah, it s kind of what you want for your partner is to, to grow just to ultimately hope that you re growing together, together and allowing that space for the other person to grow.
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And there s going to be, uh, growing pains along the way and like stuff that you re trying out that you decide, okay, you don t really actually want to do that.
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And you just sort of have to like, have some grace with the other person.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah, yeah.
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Allow them space.
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Yeah.
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As far as space goes, we have this in common.
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Stephanie and I work together.
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We ve written, produced, directed, acted in.
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We re always met with people asking, how do you do that?
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Me too.
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And we re always like, we actually love it.
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It s the best.
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SPEAKER_01
I know.
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SPEAKER_01
It s the best.
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SPEAKER_01
It s the best.
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SPEAKER_01
It s also how, is that how you met her?
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SPEAKER_00
We were very minor roles in an indie film.
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And yes, now we have children and a production company.
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SPEAKER_01
It s so exciting.
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SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
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That s how Rob and I met.
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So everyone s like, oh, how do you guys work together?
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I m like, I don t know.
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That s how we fell in love was working together.
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SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
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Working with him is the best.
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SPEAKER_01
He s the best showrunner I ve ever had.
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And it s one of the things that I loved about him.
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And I love working with him.
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I think he s got great
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Ideas.
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It s not weird when he comes and gives me an acting note.
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I love it.
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SPEAKER_01
You know?
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SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
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When Stephanie has a note or she has an idea, I m like, I got to hear this.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah, of course.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_00
This is going to be good.
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SPEAKER_00
This is going to be good.
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SPEAKER_00
This is going to be good.
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SPEAKER_00
I like your thoughts.
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SPEAKER_00
And if it isn t, then I always say, you do your thing.
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I ll do mine.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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Usually I m like, OK, we might get divorced now.
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SPEAKER_01
You know, something like that.
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SPEAKER_00
Right.
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SPEAKER_00
You should probably go look for your own place.
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SPEAKER_00
That s right.
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SPEAKER_00
It s time.
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SPEAKER_00
Are you ready to give my listeners some advice?
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SPEAKER_00
Let s do it.
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SPEAKER_00
I feel good about this.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_00
That s why you re here.
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SPEAKER_00
Okay.
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SPEAKER_00
Aside from rekindling our best friendship.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_00
We ll circle back to that too.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_00
We will circle back.
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Our first question involves a situation where two have become one.
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Casey writes, my partner and I are a same-sex couple and we ve been together for over 10 years.
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Sometimes we accidentally put on identical outfits.
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When this happens, we both feel like we re losing our separate identities and one of us will usually change before we leave the house.
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Is this healthy behavior or should we just accept that we are slowly morphing into one another?
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SPEAKER_00
As a gay mother of twins, I think you might have a great perspective on this.
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SPEAKER_01
This one s for you, lady.
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Rob and I rarely dress the same.
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That s not true, actually.
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I will say, the last time we got on a plane together, we were at the airport and realized we both had t-shirts, jackets, jeans, and the exact same shoes.
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SPEAKER_01
Some Jordans we both had.
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SPEAKER_01
High heels.
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SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_01
Yes.
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SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_01
I love, well, personally, I love wearing high heels to an airport.
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SPEAKER_01
Who doesn t?
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I have to say, Stephanie and I have very different styles, but there have been moments where we look over at each other as we re getting dressed and we re like, okay, this is hilarious.
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SPEAKER_00
Should we do it or not?
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SPEAKER_00
I guess what I don t understand is, can t it just be hilarious?
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SPEAKER_00
And that it s not that you re losing your identities, that it s more of like, oh, this is so funny.
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SPEAKER_00
Should we do this or not?
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SPEAKER_00
Should we head out?
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SPEAKER_00
And also, to be fair, Stephanie is somebody who has, from day one, been like, I am not opposed to our entire family dressed alike and walking around in public.
0
SPEAKER_00
And so my response is coming from being in a relationship where my wife would be thrilled if we all walked out in sailor suits.
0
SPEAKER_00
Just all dressed alike.
0
SPEAKER_00
And so I think that not thinking of it or taking on this situation with any sort of heaviness of like, oh my gosh, I m losing my identity.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I would say more so take it easy breezy and maybe have a ridiculous day together.
0
SPEAKER_00
Get some sailor suits.
0
SPEAKER_00
Get some sailor suits.
0
SPEAKER_01
I was just going to say, I don t think the sailor suit idea is a bad one, and I think they should lean into it.
1
SPEAKER_01
and maybe just fill their closets with only sailor suit stuff so that even if it s not the exact same, they re always just sailors together.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s funny.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
1
SPEAKER_00
And sail right through it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, sail through it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Casey, good luck to you and your twin slash spouse.
1
SPEAKER_00
Caitlin, we re going to take a break, but then we ll return very soon with more listener questions.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m Christina Cotarucci, and this season on Slow Burn.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s called Proposition 6.
1
SPEAKER_00
The Briggs Initiative.
1
SPEAKER_02
John Briggs is going to fire every gay and lesbian schoolteacher in California.
1
SPEAKER_01
With so much at stake, young people became activists.
1
SPEAKER_01
We can t let this happen in California.
1
SPEAKER_01
And activists became leaders.
1
SPEAKER_02
My name is Harvey Milker, and I m here to include you.
1
SPEAKER_01
Slow Burn, Season 9.
1
SPEAKER_01
Gays Against Briggs.
1
SPEAKER_01
Out now, wherever you listen.
1
SPEAKER_00
And we are back.
1
SPEAKER_00
Caitlin, are your ears pierced?
1
SPEAKER_00
I think they might be.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, hoping that will give you invaluable insight for our next listener question.
1
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
Faye writes, dear Tig, my 12-year-old wants to get his ears pierced.
1
SPEAKER_00
My husband is worried he will change his mind and then have holes in his ear lobes.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, boy.
1
SPEAKER_00
I hate to admit it, but my husband s also kind of old school when it comes to giving in to trends.
1
SPEAKER_00
Our son is a fun, kind, and great kid.
1
SPEAKER_00
I want to always guide him, but also allow him to freely be who he is.
1
SPEAKER_00
Do you think there s a right age to allow him to have his ears pierced?
1
SPEAKER_00
Thanks.
1
SPEAKER_00
I used to have my ears pierced and then my girlfriend years ago said, oh no, why do you have earrings on?
1
SPEAKER_00
And I said, I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_00
I just have worn earrings forever.
1
SPEAKER_00
And she said, you look to me like one of those little babies that parents put earrings on so they know that they re a girl.
1
SPEAKER_00
so that the public knows it s a girl.
1
SPEAKER_00
And when she said that, it made me laugh so hard.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I said, you know what?
1
SPEAKER_00
I probably just started wearing earrings as a teenager because everybody else wore earrings.
1
SPEAKER_00
And it does kind of indicate to people that I might be female when they take a quick glance.
1
SPEAKER_01
When they re not sure.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I said, all right, well, I will take my earrings out if you take your belly button ring out.
1
SPEAKER_00
And she did.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s fair.
1
SPEAKER_01
On that note, I m going to say that the holes left behind in your ears are so much more discreet than the hole left behind in her belly button is my guess.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m saying that because I don t see anything wrong with letting your little boy get his ears pierced if he wants to get his ears pierced.
1
SPEAKER_01
If he changes his mind, he ll take them out and it s the tiniest little hole.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s not like a tattoo.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, and what I thought you were actually going to say, go ahead and get that belly button pierced too while you re at it, 12 year old boy, and get a chain attached.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
No, I thought you were going to say the hole that is left is much smaller than the hole left in his soul by being told no.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, no, not that poetic, but that was beautiful.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m wondering if this man had a daughter who was 12, would he have the same conundrum or, you know, there could there be a part of it that it s a boy?
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
Um, I, I have a 12 year old and he has a bunch of girl friends at school who brought, uh, earrings stickers and he came home with big, like,
1
SPEAKER_01
I think one was a heart and one was some kind of gem stickers on his ears.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I was like, oh, those are cool.
1
SPEAKER_01
And he was like, yeah, aren t they great?
1
SPEAKER_01
Can I get my ears pierced?
1
SPEAKER_01
And I was like, sure.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then he just kind of forgot about it.
1
SPEAKER_01
But I don t really see any reason why not.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I don t think there s a problem with it because it is such a minor
1
SPEAKER_00
thing and i feel like saying no and having such a hard stance on that could make him push back in other ways that might be not as easy breezy harder to say yes to yeah no i agree i feel like this is one where you can kind of give in it s not a tattoo it s not a
1
SPEAKER_01
bigger, scarier piercing.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
And maybe if you have access to your great-grandmother s old clip-on earrings, you could see if he wants to wear some clip-on pearls or something.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, God.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
And that s a different issue.
1
SPEAKER_01
If he does, then that s just a taste problem that he s got.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
All right, well, Faye, thank you for your piercing question.
1
SPEAKER_00
I think Caitlin and I are right when we say- We say go for it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, we re on your side.
1
SPEAKER_00
Your husband needs to just chill out and maybe ask him what Caitlin asked about.
1
SPEAKER_00
If it were a girl, would it be okay?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Because this girl, Tig, used to have ears pierced, don t anymore, and nobody notices.
1
SPEAKER_00
Not a problem.
1
SPEAKER_00
Your lobes look great.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
I can see them from here.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m famous for my lobes.
1
SPEAKER_00
All right, Caitlin, our next question comes from a listener in Portland.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, Maine or Oregon?
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh.
1
SPEAKER_00
Gosh.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s going to influence my answer.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s probably Oregon.
1
SPEAKER_00
It better be.
1
SPEAKER_00
Because I feel like Portland, Maine has to establish that they re Portland, Maine.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
There you are.
1
SPEAKER_00
All right.
1
SPEAKER_00
Peter writes, I had a very close friend and creative partner that I gradually distanced myself from because her husband is homophobic.
1
SPEAKER_00
I never told her why.
1
SPEAKER_00
Several years went by and I finally reached out in an email that laid everything out on the table.
1
SPEAKER_00
She responded that my email was timely because she had recently realized that she had internalized homophobia from her religion s indoctrination, and she was trying to work through it.
1
SPEAKER_00
She invited me out to coffee to talk more, but I still felt too hurt by the arguments I had with her husband years earlier.
1
SPEAKER_00
I declined, but wished her well in her journey.
1
SPEAKER_00
A few years have passed since that last exchange, and I still miss my friend and former collaborator.
1
SPEAKER_00
My husband thinks the best thing for me to do is just to move on.
1
SPEAKER_00
Another friend of mine thinks I should give her another chance in the spirit of friendship.
1
SPEAKER_00
What should I do?
1
SPEAKER_00
I have a somewhat similar experience.
1
SPEAKER_00
This guy that I was very close with and we did everything together.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s very typical stuff in this climate.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s core belief different stuff.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
Everything s very polarizing right now.
1
SPEAKER_01
People are digging their heels in.
1
SPEAKER_01
But my question is, was this friend ever the problem or was it just the friend s husband?
1
SPEAKER_01
And if the friend s admitting that she s feeling like she s recognizing some of this stuff too and wants to talk about it and you miss your friend, I don t think a conversation can hurt.
1
SPEAKER_01
You ve already ended the friendship.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s not gonna be so hard to keep it ended if the conversation doesn t go well or the lunch doesn t go well.
1
SPEAKER_01
But if you do have a lunch and you can talk about it and you can both,
1
SPEAKER_01
voice your thoughts and feelings, you might be able to have your friend back.
1
SPEAKER_00
I do feel like this is something where you can have a conversation, especially since the original problem is rooted in the husband and then the friend saying that she had this
1
SPEAKER_00
internalized homophobia herself.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s pretty brave to say.
1
SPEAKER_00
It totally is.
1
SPEAKER_00
And if you do miss your friend, you could in that conversation say that you don t feel open to right now or ever being in a social situation with her husband if he isn t coming around.
1
SPEAKER_00
But it s tricky because you don t want to stay in those waters for too long if you re not feeling good or good about yourself.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s what I m saying.
1
SPEAKER_01
Like, can you just meet for lunch and see how it goes and then make your decision after that?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
Sounds like it s been a couple of years if you re still missing her.
1
SPEAKER_01
It feels like it s worth a meeting.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
With my friend, we had a few meetings over the years and we would connect and we would talk.
1
SPEAKER_00
But man, it was just like no real common ground anymore.
1
SPEAKER_01
Does it become more clear the more conversations?
1
SPEAKER_00
I think for both of us, I mean, we just moved on.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
If I ran into him, I d be friendly and hellos and how are you?
1
SPEAKER_00
We d probably share a laugh about something, but boy, are we.
1
SPEAKER_00
Polar opposites on where we ve gone socially, politically, all of that stuff.
1
SPEAKER_00
You ve moved on.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
I also want to say there was a teacher at my high school and she had very different feelings and views from me on a variety of issues and we connected on a friend level when I was in school.
1
SPEAKER_00
didn t really keep in touch and then reconnected on social media and I saw so much that she had posted that was very open and loving.
1
SPEAKER_00
I was so fascinated and I was like, hey, do you want to have lunch?
1
SPEAKER_00
When I was going through Texas again, we went to lunch and I told my wife, I said, I really want to ask her very pointedly.
1
SPEAKER_00
You used to do this.
1
SPEAKER_00
You used to say these things.
1
SPEAKER_00
These were the thoughts.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I m so curious.
1
SPEAKER_00
It seems like you re not that way anymore.
1
SPEAKER_00
And she did not have any defensiveness.
1
SPEAKER_00
She owned everything she thought, said, did.
1
SPEAKER_00
And she said, I just had a complete awakening that I had these thoughts and feelings based on the way I was raised.
1
SPEAKER_00
And they were actually not my thoughts.
1
SPEAKER_00
and not my feelings.
1
SPEAKER_01
She probably loved that you asked her so that she could have that conversation with you because she probably wasn t going to sit down and be like, Hey, you re gay.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
I didn t feel comfortable sharing about my life because I thought she had certain feelings.
1
SPEAKER_00
Now it s like I ve seen her when I ve gone back to Texas.
1
SPEAKER_00
She s met my wife and kids.
1
SPEAKER_00
I love that.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m so impressed when people have a change of heart and become more open and have those conversations.
1
SPEAKER_01
Can recognize that their thoughts weren t necessarily their own.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s the climate that they were born into and what they were taught.
1
SPEAKER_01
All that to say, I think this guy should give his old friend just a chance, a lunch.
1
SPEAKER_01
There s no strings attached.
1
SPEAKER_01
You re not signing up for a lifelong friendship.
1
SPEAKER_00
Peter, good luck.
1
SPEAKER_00
Write in and let us know if you have an update.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yes, please.
1
SPEAKER_00
Caitlin, here s our final listener question.
1
SPEAKER_00
All right.
1
SPEAKER_00
Ellen writes, how do I gently help my husband remember to turn off a burning stove when he s done using it?
1
SPEAKER_00
He doesn t often walk away from or forget a burning stove, but it has happened multiple times now.
1
SPEAKER_00
He always feels terrible about it, so I don t want to get upset at him after the fact, but I really don t know how to help him remember and really think I should.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay, I have a lot.
1
SPEAKER_00
You re the one with the husband.
1
SPEAKER_01
I am, but I m also the one with two little boys and it sounds like she s talking about her children.
1
SPEAKER_01
I mean, why can t he come up with his own system for how to remember to turn off the stove?
1
SPEAKER_01
Is he cooking or is he cleaning up?
1
SPEAKER_01
Either way, there should be a timer, right?
1
SPEAKER_01
Like a little egg timer by the stove.
1
SPEAKER_01
But how will he even remember to do the egg timer?
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, we have cast iron pans.
1
SPEAKER_01
I love cooking with a cast iron pan.
1
SPEAKER_01
But when you clean the pan, you scrub it, no soap, come on, it s seasoned.
1
SPEAKER_01
But then you put it back on and you can t let it, it s got to be dry or it ll rust.
1
SPEAKER_01
So I turn on the burner.
1
SPEAKER_01
Nine times out of 10, I m going to walk away and forget that it s on.
1
SPEAKER_01
And every time I m like, I m not going to forget, it s right in front of me.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m just going to finish the rest of the dishes and then I ll
1
SPEAKER_01
I always forget.
1
SPEAKER_01
So I set the little, I set my egg timer.
1
SPEAKER_01
I just do it.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s just part of routine.
1
SPEAKER_00
Make it a routine.
1
SPEAKER_00
I mean, if it s really an issue, it also seems like your husband maybe shouldn t be using the stove when you re not around.
1
SPEAKER_01
Is he a child?
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t understand why it s her job to help him remember.
1
SPEAKER_01
Does he need a checklist?
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t, I don t, I m not, I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_01
I would say if he s cooking, then God bless.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
You know, that s kind of great that he s preparing meals.
1
SPEAKER_00
It might be all for himself, though.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, but I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_00
Who knows?
1
SPEAKER_00
I just took a dark turn.
1
SPEAKER_00
Why can t he feed her as well?
1
SPEAKER_00
That s the darkest this podcast has ever gone and ever will go.
1
SPEAKER_00
I was going to suggest a timer as well.
1
SPEAKER_00
But then I started to think if I had this issue, I could picture Stephanie saying,
1
SPEAKER_00
You are not allowed to use the stove unless somebody else is here.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I mean, I guess you just got to make a joke about it.
1
SPEAKER_01
I want to know how he he feels bad.
1
SPEAKER_00
Ellen, since Caitlin and I both thought a timer is a good idea, that should happen.
1
SPEAKER_00
Maybe put it right there in plain sight.
1
SPEAKER_00
Get a cute one.
1
SPEAKER_00
Get a cute one.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Or you could even put a timer in the pots and pans, like where the drawers are or where you keep your pots and pans.
1
SPEAKER_00
That d be weird if I knew.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s what I m saying.
1
SPEAKER_00
We have so many follow-up questions.
1
SPEAKER_00
Right.
1
SPEAKER_00
Maybe get a few timers.
1
SPEAKER_00
and put them in a few different places.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, geez.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_01
Caitlin, this is why the show s called Don t Ask Tig.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay, yeah, that seems like a mess of timers.
1
SPEAKER_01
Get one cute timer.
1
SPEAKER_01
An egg.
1
SPEAKER_01
An egg timer.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, sure.
1
SPEAKER_01
Again, is he cooking dinner and he s taking the food out and he s just forgetting to turn the oven off?
1
SPEAKER_01
Or did we say stove, like stove top?
1
SPEAKER_00
Stove.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, like flames are flying.
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t know how you forget.
1
SPEAKER_01
I mean, when the pot s done boiling the water, everything goes off.
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t.
1
SPEAKER_00
Or maybe it s a stove that s electric stove.
1
SPEAKER_00
Even still, I think, gosh, if you have kids or a little kitty walking around.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
The poor kitty.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s a timer, Ellen.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s a timer.
1
SPEAKER_00
And if you want to take it to an extreme level, just be like, look, you have to use a microwave or you got to make a sandwich, you know, turn it into a fun joke.
1
SPEAKER_01
And he s banned from the stove.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, maybe he s got to call you every time he turns it off.
1
SPEAKER_01
You know, maybe there s some accountability if he s on board and he feels bad.
1
SPEAKER_01
You know what I m saying?
1
SPEAKER_00
Or he calls you when he s starting to cook.
1
SPEAKER_00
Uh-huh.
1
SPEAKER_00
But also, what if she can t answer her phone?
1
SPEAKER_00
He s got to learn how to get a timer, or he can only make salads and sandwiches when nobody s home.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Open a bag of nuts.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Ellen, open a bag of nuts.
1
SPEAKER_00
Let us know if that works out.
1
SPEAKER_00
Caitlin, I need you to help me with one last thing.
1
SPEAKER_00
OK.
1
SPEAKER_00
Called name that thing.
1
SPEAKER_00
OK.
1
SPEAKER_00
Name that thing!
1
SPEAKER_00
This is the part of the show where we help people figure out what to call their stuff.
1
SPEAKER_00
We ve named a range of things from a saxophone to a pub night trivia team.
1
SPEAKER_00
The only catch is that whatever name we come up with is legally binding.
1
SPEAKER_00
The listener must use it.
1
SPEAKER_00
You ready?
1
SPEAKER_00
Sarah writes,
1
SPEAKER_00
I like the idea of making meatballs with Impossible Burger or some other faux meat, but what do you call a meatless meatball?
1
SPEAKER_00
My 14 and 11-year-old suggest balls.
1
SPEAKER_00
Please, Tig and guest, you have to help come up with something better.
1
SPEAKER_00
I can t stand the idea of my son calling them balls.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, balls is going to be in there whether she likes it or not, right?
1
SPEAKER_01
Unless you make them square.
1
SPEAKER_01
Or triangles.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, she doesn t have a problem with the word meatballs, right?
1
SPEAKER_01
But it s not meat.
1
SPEAKER_01
Right, so if they re like faux balls or something.
1
SPEAKER_00
You know?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Or Impossiballs.
1
SPEAKER_00
Impossiballs.
1
SPEAKER_01
Impossiballs.
1
SPEAKER_01
Impossiballs.
1
SPEAKER_01
There you go.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s good.
1
SPEAKER_01
Meatballs and Impossiballs.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Next.
1
SPEAKER_01
I mean, that was easy.
1
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
I guess you should ask Tig.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
That was the right time to ask Tig.
1
SPEAKER_01
My faux balls wasn t working, but I have to say it led you to it.
1
SPEAKER_01
So I feel like it was a good assist on my part.
1
SPEAKER_01
You want to take full credit?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I don t feel like I needed you.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
When did we meet?
1
SPEAKER_00
In like 2005 or something?
1
SPEAKER_00
You ve been thinking of this since 2005?
1
SPEAKER_00
That s not that impressive.
1
SPEAKER_00
No, I m just pointing out that I haven t needed you for so many years.
1
SPEAKER_01
You don t think you ve needed me, but think of all the things that I could have helped with had I just been around for all of that time.
1
SPEAKER_01
Maybe Impossiballs would have come to you on your own, and maybe that wouldn t have, you don t know.
1
SPEAKER_01
This is where we are now, okay?
1
SPEAKER_01
Just embrace it and say thank you, and then let s move on.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay, well, thank you.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay, you re welcome.
1
SPEAKER_00
Sarah, call these meatless meatballs Impossiballs.
1
SPEAKER_00
And trademark them.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, bon appetit to you and your kids.
1
SPEAKER_00
Caitlin, this was so much fun.
1
SPEAKER_00
Thank you so much for being on the show.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, I had a blast.
1
SPEAKER_01
I want to name more things.
1
SPEAKER_01
We ll have to do this again.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay, but it s name more thangs.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh yeah, I d like to name more thangs.
1
SPEAKER_01
Is that better?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, that s much better.
1
SPEAKER_00
Thanks for correcting me.
1
SPEAKER_00
I love you.
1
SPEAKER_00
Impossibles.
1
SPEAKER_00
Impossibles.
1
SPEAKER_00
I love you as well, and I m happy to see your mug again.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m so happy to see you too.
1
SPEAKER_00
Let s do it again soon.
1
SPEAKER_00
That would be fun.
1
SPEAKER_00
Do you have anything you would like to promote to the masses?
1
SPEAKER_01
Yes, actually.
1
SPEAKER_01
My movie with Woody Harrelson is coming out on March 10th.
2
SPEAKER_03
It s called Champions.
2
SPEAKER_03
It s Woody and myself and a team of Special Olympics basketball players.
2
SPEAKER_03
And it s really funny and really sweet.
2
SPEAKER_03
And I think that you guys will love it.
2
SPEAKER_03
So go see it.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s awesome.
2
SPEAKER_03
In theaters, March 10th.
2
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_03
Well, thank yous.
2
SPEAKER_03
Thank yous.
2
SPEAKER_02
Thank you.
2
SPEAKER_02
Thank you.
2
SPEAKER_02
Thank you again.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I look forward to our in-person meeting soon.
2
SPEAKER_02
Me too.
2
SPEAKER_02
Nice to see you.
2
SPEAKER_03
All right.
2
SPEAKER_02
You too.
2
SPEAKER_02
Goodbye.
2
SPEAKER_02
Bye.
2
SPEAKER_00
That s what you have
2
SPEAKER_02
Don t Ask Tig is hosted by me, Tig Notaro.
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SPEAKER_02
It s produced by Thomas Ouellette and Shana Deloria.
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SPEAKER_02
Our executive producer and editor is Beth Perlman.
2
SPEAKER_02
Engineering and sound mixing by Alex Simpson.
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SPEAKER_02
Digital production by James Napoli.
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SPEAKER_02
Talent booking by Marianne Ways.
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SPEAKER_02
Production support from Maria Wirtel.
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SPEAKER_02
Our theme music is Friend in Tig by Edie Burkell and Kyle Crusham, and Listen to Your Heart by Edie Burkell.
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SPEAKER_02
Special thanks to Hunter Seidman.
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SPEAKER_02
APM Studios executives in charge are Chandra Cavati, Alex Schaffert, and Joanne Griffith.
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SPEAKER_02
Concept developed by Tracy Mumford.
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SPEAKER_02
Our executive consultant is Dean Capello and Gobsmack Studios.
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SPEAKER_02
You can always ask for advice at DontAskTig.org.
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SPEAKER_02
Just write in with your problem or send us a voice memo.
2
SPEAKER_02
Remember to follow us on social media at DontAskTig.
2
SPEAKER_02
DontAskTig is a production of American Public Media.
2
SPEAKER_02
And as always, thanks Dana and I ll tell Becky.
2
SPEAKER_02
Hi, I m stand-up comedian and sex symbol Tig Notaro.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I m actor and writer Cheryl Hines.
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SPEAKER_02
Before Cheryl and I got into the big business of podcasting together, we were just simply friends.
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SPEAKER_01
And we re still friends.
2
SPEAKER_01
But now we talk about a different documentary every week on our podcast, Tig and Cheryl, True Story.
2
SPEAKER_01
So whether you love documentaries or just want to hear us slowly lose our minds, check out Tig and Cheryl, True Story, wherever you get your podcasts.
2
SPEAKER_02
Alright, cool.