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A new season of Bridgerton is here.
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And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
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I m your host, Gabby Collins.
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And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the ton.
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Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
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Then fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.
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Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt, and we re the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
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It s a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
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Like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
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Let s learn about all of it and then some.
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Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on America s number one podcast network, iHeart.
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Open your free iHeart app and search Grown Up Stuff.
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Guess what, Will?
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What s that, Mango?
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I ve been trying to write a promo for our podcast, Part-Time Genius, but even though we ve done over 250 episodes, we don t really talk about murders or cults.
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I mean, we did just cover the Illuminati of cheese, so I feel like that makes us pretty edgy.
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We also solve mysteries like how Chinese is your Chinese food and how do dollar stores make money?
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And then, of course, can you game a dog show?
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So what you re saying is everyone should be listening.
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Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
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At the start, we want someone who keeps us at the edge of our seats.
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But long-term, what we really want is someone that we can get cozy with on the couch, right?
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It s so interesting, right?
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What you want in a relationship is Netflix and chill.
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You want to be able to hang back, be lazy, be cozy on the couch.
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But you re setting your relationship up to be always nail-biting at the edge of the seat.
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But that isn t what you re trying to build.
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That isn t what you re trying to grow.
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Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world.
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Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow.
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Thank you so much to everyone who s subscribing, who s leaving reviews.
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It s making a huge difference to new listeners finding us, connecting with us, and it means the world to me that you re taking time to do that.
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Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
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I cannot express my gratitude enough.
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I want to dive into today s topic because the amount of friends i ve had in the last couple of weeks couple of months that have been talking to me about the challenges they ve had in relationships a lot of toxic behavior unhealthy traits and characteristics.
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And I m sure as you re listening right now, if you haven t been through this, you have a friend who s gonna need to listen to this.
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And I hope that you ll pass this one on because so many of us are suffering for longer than we need to.
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So many of us are making choices that are not great for us or are struggling to make a choice that would actually help us.
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And often I find that people stay in toxic,
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difficult relationships for longer than they need to.
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By the way, this even applies to work.
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If you think about how long someone takes to actually quit their job or move on or ask for a promotion, it s usually six to 12 months longer than it actually needs to be.
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How many times have you been in a relationship where you felt like leaving, but you stayed for another six to 12 months, only to feel the same way throughout that entire period?
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So whether this is about you finding
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the right person, a genuine connection with an individual, or whether this is helping you move away from something or someone that isn t serving you, I really hope that it gives you the courage and strength to make the decisions that you need in order to move towards healthy love.
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Now, I want to talk about this term
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healthy love.
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Because I think for a long time we talked about the one, we talked about the right person, we talk about the wrong person, we talk about, you know, your soulmate.
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And I like the word healthy love because it makes us believe that it s positive, it s good.
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But when we know that there s healthy love, we also accept that there may be parts of it that are unhealthy, right?
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If you have a healthy diet, you know that s because you re choosing
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the things that are good for you, which is the same with healthy love.
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It s about choosing the habits, the traits, the personality type that is good for you in a relationship.
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That doesn t mean there are not unhealthy parts to it.
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That doesn t mean there are not uncomfortable parts to it.
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And so I like to move away from this idea of the perfect one or the one or the soulmate or, you know, the right person because
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that kind of makes us believe that there s this ready-made person off the shelf, almost like a Ken doll or a Barbie doll that is perfect as it is in its casing.
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Whereas healthy love means, oh, I have to make choices, we have to make decisions, we have to actually create healthy habits in order to have a healthy relationship.
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So
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Today I want to talk about the differences and how to actually develop them and build them and grow them.
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And I want to start off by talking about the toxic trait of over-reliance on one person for everything.
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That the one person is the only person you go to for all your needs.
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So that works in one of two ways.
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Either you re the person that your partner goes to for all of their needs, or you re the person who goes to your partner for all of your needs.
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And I found that this has been one of the most challenging things in a relationship.
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Now, if
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Your partner comes to you for all of their needs.
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Often that can actually be quite fun in the beginning because you start to feel powerful.
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You start to feel needed.
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You start to feel useful.
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And who doesn t want to feel useful?
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Who doesn t want to feel like they have all the answers?
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We all enjoy that idea that
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Our partner is dependent on us in the beginning because it feels like we have something to offer.
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It boosts our self-esteem, it gives us an ego boost, and it gives us a sense of power and control.
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And so what s really interesting is that we do it for the first month, we may even do it for the first couple of months, and then afterwards our energy starts to drain and we think, wait a minute, this person is just relying on me to carry them.
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We re just being completely relied on to carry the relationship, and then we may push back, we may have an honest conversation, and now the other person is feeling, wait a minute, but I showed you that from the beginning, and you gave me the space, and now you re taking it away.
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it almost feels like you re hijacking what you first offered to this individual, and that person now is feeling hard done by.
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You re now upset because you feel like you ve been used and everything falls on you, and they re now upset because they said, well, wait a minute, you did it at the start, why are you not doing it right now?
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How many of you have ever been in this position before?
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I m guessing there s a fair few of you.
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Now, what do you do in that situation?
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In that situation,
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If you re already there and you re like, well, Jay, I wish I knew that before I started setting a precedence, I started setting a standard.
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If you ve already set the standards, it s about setting a new standard.
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And this is a great relationship tool.
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I think one of the things that we don t do enough in relationships, whether we re dating, whether you re committed, whether you re married, whatever it may be in a long-term relationship, is resetting agreements
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resetting standards, and redefining where you re at and how you work on things.
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I think we often go to, well, we ve always done it that way.
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It s been like that since we started dating.
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You ve been the same person.
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I m the same person.
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We say things like that, not realizing that there s always growth going on, and there s a need to reestablish boundaries, reestablish agreements, and this is a great opportunity to do that.
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Now if you re in a position where you are the one who takes all your problems to them, maybe you re the one who has struggled with
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finding people in your life to help you grow, and now when you ve found this person, you re saying to yourself, I m just gonna go to them for everything.
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Oh my gosh, they re so smart.
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Oh my gosh, they re so strong.
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Oh my gosh, they re so self-aware.
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And all of a sudden, you get so consumed and wrapped up in this person that they become your be-all and end-all.
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Maybe you re in that position right now.
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If you are in that position, here s what I want you to think about.
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I want you to take a moment
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to just close your eyes for a second.
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Of course, if you re driving, do not do this.
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If you re cooking, do not do this.
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Take a moment to do it afterwards.
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And if you can t close your eyes, you can do this with your eyes open.
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But here s what I want you to do.
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Take a moment to think of who s the first person who comes to your mind when you think of the most caring person in the world.
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Towards you.
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Someone who cares about you the most.
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They re nurturing.
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They have that supportive, compassionate disposition towards you.
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They ll only care about your health and well-being.
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Who s the first person that comes to your mind?
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The person that cares about you the most?
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Chances are it isn t even the person that you re with.
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That s not a bad thing.
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Often people think, well, my partner should be that person.
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They might not be.
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There may be someone who trumps them.
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There may be someone who s done it for longer.
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Remember this person.
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Okay, second reflection.
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Who is the most consistent person in your life?
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Someone who s always been there for you.
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Someone who s always been by your side.
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Maybe they ve lived life with you for a long, long time.
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They ve been consistent.
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Maybe you went to school together.
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Maybe you grew up together.
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They re not the most caring person in your life, but they are the most consistent.
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They re always around when you need them and chances are that isn t your partner either.
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Now think about an area of your life you may be struggling or you may have questions and who s the most competent person, who s someone who you know
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is great at getting their taxes done, right?
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Their accounts.
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Who do you know who s really great at fitness and health in your circle?
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Who do you know that s really organized and focused and driven towards their goals?
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It doesn t have to be your partner.
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Your partner may be that, but who else comes to mind?
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And finally, who s someone that comes in terms of high character, someone who s always
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living with the right morals and ethics, someone that you go to for more spiritual inner guidance, someone in your life who carries them in a certain way.
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These are the four types of people that create our counsel for life.
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The caring one, the consistent one, the competent one, and the one with character.
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There may have been different faces that came to your mind for all of them,
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Some of these people you may already know and have a relationship with.
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Some of these people you may have had one with before and you need to re-engage with, but it s so important.
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It s so needed for us to develop a council around us instead of depending on one person for everything.
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If we create an over-dependence on one person,
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We have to live with feeling completely alone if and when they ever leave or if we feel like leaving them.
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So many of us stay with people who are not good for us because of how scared we ll feel or how bad we ll feel being alone.
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So many of us stay with people that are not good for us
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Because we re scared of how bad we ll feel if we re left alone.
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And the only way to overcome that is to create this counsel and to not lose it at any point in your relationship.
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Guess what, Bango?
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What s up, Will?
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So iHeart is giving us a whole minute to promote our podcast, Part-Time Genius.
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I know, that s why I spent my whole week composing a haiku for the occasion.
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It s about my emotional journey in podcasting over the last seven years, and it s called Earthquake House.
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Mango, I m going to cut you off right there.
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Why don t we just tell people about our show instead?
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Yeah, that s a better idea.
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So every week on Part-Time Genius, we feed our curiosity by answering the world s most important questions.
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Things like, when did America start dialing 911?
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Is William Shatner s best acting work in Esperanto?
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Also, what happened to Esperanto?
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Plus, we cover questions like how Chinese is your Chinese food?
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How do dollar stores stay in business?
1
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And of course, is there an Illuminati of cheese?
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There absolutely is.
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And we are risking our lives by talking about it.
1
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But if you love mind-blowing facts, incredible history and really bad jokes, make your brains happy and tune in to Part-Time Genius.
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Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
1
SPEAKER_01
A new season of Bridgerton is here.
1
SPEAKER_01
And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
1
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I m your host, Gabrielle Collins.
1
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And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the ton.
1
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Colin Bridgerton has returned from his travels abroad.
1
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Is Betrothal written in the stars for the eligible bachelor?
1
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Meanwhile, the ton is reverberating with speculation of who holds Lady Whistledown s pen.
1
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We re discussing it all.
1
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I sit down with Nicola Coughlin, Luke Newton, Shonda Rhimes, and more to offer an exclusive peek behind the scenes of each episode of the new season.
1
SPEAKER_01
Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
1
SPEAKER_01
Then fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
1
SPEAKER_01
Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.
1
SPEAKER_02
Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt and we re the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
1
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It s a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
1
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like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
1
SPEAKER_03
We re back with season two of the podcast, which means more opportunities to glow up and become a more responsible and better adult, one life lesson at a time.
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And let me just tell you, this show is just as much for us as it is for you.
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So let s figure this stuff out together.
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This season, we re going to talk about whether or not we re financially and emotionally ready for dog ownership.
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We re going to figure out the benefits of a high yield savings account.
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And what exactly are the duties of being a member of the wedding party?
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All that plus so much more.
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Let s learn about all of it and then some.
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Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Now, another toxic trait that I want to discuss is this idea of trying to change someone.
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I have always believed that people don t change for people.
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They change for themselves, right?
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People don t change for you.
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They don t change for their ex.
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They don t change for the next person.
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They don t change for a family member.
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They change for themselves because they feel a certain regret, which may be inspired by a family member.
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But I think what s really interesting is that when we re trying to change someone, often we re trying to change them to be like us.
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And I want you to really sit there and reflect on this.
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Do you really want to be with yourself?
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If we re organized, we want our partner to be more organized.
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If we re spontaneous, we want our partner to be more spontaneous.
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If we re thoughtful about birthdays, we want our partner to be thoughtful about birthdays.
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If we re always planning the weekend, we want our partners to plan the weekends.
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We want our partners to be us.
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But we have to really ask ourselves, do we really, truly want our partners to be us?
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I ll give you an example in my own life that s...
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really stood out to me.
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So I m quite the organizer, planner.
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And when it comes to me and Radhi, I realized that if I make a plan for Saturday, Radhi will happily go along.
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She ll be so positive about it.
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She ll have a great time.
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She might be a little bit late.
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She might have a few things that come up, but she ll commit to my plan and she ll have a great time.
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Now, if she made a plan,
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I may go along with it, but I ll have my own thoughts about it.
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I will question it.
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I ll say, oh, we should have done this first.
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We could have done that.
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Now, that s my kind of way of thinking because I m such an organizer planner.
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And it s really interesting because I ve realized how lucky I am to be with someone who s always happy to go along with my plans and is flexible.
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And I ve realized that I need to be more that way.
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So it s really interesting.
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We want our partners to be like us.
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But actually, have we ever thought about needing to be more like them?
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Or let them be them and we be ourselves?
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Right?
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It s so interesting to me about how we think, oh, well, they re not ambitious enough.
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I m so ambitious.
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It s really interesting.
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Do you really want to date yourself?
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That s the question I want you to answer.
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Do you really, really, truly believe you d be happy if you were with someone who is exactly like you?
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Because I know I wouldn t be.
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I don t want to date someone like me.
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And it s really amazing how much time we waste trying to mold someone.
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into a version of ourselves.
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Now, let s say someone s trying to change you.
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We all know what that feels like, right?
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It s really interesting.
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We often try and change other people, but when people try and change us, we know exactly how it feels and how we would never want to feel that way.
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And I think what s really important about this is being clear about our desires up front and making sure that the person you re starting to like or you re dating or you re connecting with is open with you about what they truly want.
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Now I m not talking about talking about how many kids you want on the first day.
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I m talking about really being clear and aware of what someone s priorities are rather than thinking about what their potential is.
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Right?
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Focus on someone s priorities, not their potential.
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Is their priority to get the next job?
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Is their priority to be busy on the weekend because they re ambitious and driven?
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Is their priority you?
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Is their priority their family?
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What is their priority?
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This is not about what their goals are.
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Often we say, like, what are people s goals?
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And that s an awkward question to ask someone, right?
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Like, what are your goals for this quarter?
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What are your goals for the next quarter?
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What are your goals for the next five years?
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I know there s so many people who hate that interview question, but you can tell by someone s priorities what their goals are.
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What is their calendar full of?
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How do they make choices and decisions on the weekends and evenings?
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And recognize that that also comes with a choice.
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If someone s prioritizing you, of course they can t prioritize their work.
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If that person s driven and ambitious, they may have less time for you, if that s what you re saying you want.
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I think it s such an important thing to be clear with other people about your priorities when you first meet them, and observe their priorities too.
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Observe the language they use, the vocabulary they use, and how they make choices about their priorities, especially when it comes down to making a really clear choice between two things or an unclear choice between two things, watch what they pick.
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And I think so many of us,
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I had to think, oh yeah, but they ll change that.
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Oh yeah, they ll come around.
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Oh yeah, it s not really important to them.
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And then later on, we re thinking, wow, I can t believe that they were always like that.
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It was always that way.
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Now, the third toxic trait I wanted to discuss with you all was playing games.
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If someone s playing power games with you, if someone s playing interest games with you, if someone s
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playing games with you by being hot and cold all the time.
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Or if you re doing that with someone, notice and know that that s going to last.
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Every time things get tough, that s what you re going to revert to because that s become your method of dealing with conflict.
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People don t just play games.
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Playing games becomes people s way of gaining power and what they do when they lose power.
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And if that s the game you ve already started to play, then that s the game you will continue to play.
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I think people don t realize how
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Relationships really get set in stone very early on.
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The rules of a relationship get set in stone very, very early on just by behavior, not even by what you say.
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And then that becomes the status quo and how that relationship operates for a long, long time after.
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So I want you to notice, is the person hot and cold?
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Is the person playing games?
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And at the start it feels exciting because you get that burst of nervousness and anxiety and then you get the security and safety and that kind of like swinging from safety to insecurity, from stability to excitement and nervousness.
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Like that s exciting.
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That is really, really enthralling in the beginning.
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We think we re at the edge of our seats.
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At the start, we want someone who keeps us at the edge of our seats.
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But long-term, what we really want is someone that we can get cozy with on the couch, right?
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It s so interesting, right?
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That s what you really want.
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What you want in a relationship is Netflix and chill.
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You want to be able to hang back, be lazy, be cozy on the couch.
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But you re setting your relationship up to be always nail-biting at the edge of the seat.
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But that isn t what you re trying to build.
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That isn t what you re trying to grow.
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So what you really want to do is establish playing as a team.
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You want to establish someone who says, we and us.
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not you and me.
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You want to establish a feeling of, we re solving this together, we re going through this together, we re figuring this out together, we re understanding this together, not, oh yeah, I m not feeling it today, oh yeah, you re doing this, right?
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That kind of language automatically lets you understand where you stand.
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One of the most interesting things, or a method of playing games, which people are even unaware of, is when someone tells you how you should feel.
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Someone says to you, oh, you are really into me, you just don t know it yet.
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Or someone says to you something like, oh yeah, you know, if you decide to move on, or if you decide to not pursue this, you re gonna regret it later.
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Someone s telling you how to feel, that s a toxic trait.
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If someone is telling you how to behave with them, that s a toxic trait.
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If someone s telling you, I don t think you understand how you re feeling right now, this is how you re feeling, that s unhealthy.
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A healthy relationship is where someone asks you, how are you feeling?
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An unhealthy relationship is where someone tells you how you re feeling.
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Notice the difference.
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It s very subtle, right?
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An un-toxic relationship is where someone says to you, how are you feeling today?
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A toxic relationship is where someone says to you, this is how you re feeling.
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And in the beginning, it can be really comforting.
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You can feel like, wow, this person really understands me.
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Like they really know me.
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But if they re telling you, look, this is how you really feel.
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You re not really tired.
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Come on out anyway.
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You re not really this.
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Come on out anyway.
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No, I m not saying you break up with someone over this, but you ve got to start to be observant of what you re saying.
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Now, I m not saying to even turn this into an argument.
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You could just say to someone, hey, I know how I feel.
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I m just telling you how I feel.
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I just want to let you know that.
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And that may be totally fine, because that person may be used to trying to read between the lines or trying to prove their worth that way as well.
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You ve got to understand that.
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The traits people demonstrate in relationships are all based on our own past trauma, our own past experiences, our own past emotions.
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It s not coming from nowhere.
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And so it s almost like you ve got two sets of trauma, you ve got two sets of experience having a UFC fight, right?
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instead of both people trying to make peace.
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And I think that s what s really interesting, is that relationships are often chasing pleasure.
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And in chasing pleasure, they become about power.
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But really what relationships, healthy relationships, are about pursuing peace, right?
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An unhealthy relationship chases power.
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A healthy relationship chases peace.
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Are you pursuing peace with your partner?
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Or are you pursuing power over your partner?
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That s the question.
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Are you pursuing peace with your partner?
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Or are you chasing power over your partner?
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Or is your partner chasing power over you?
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It s about pursuing peace together.
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Peace is a really underrated value.
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I m telling you right now, we re so addicted to pleasure, we re so addicted to that dopamine, we re so addicted to that temporary relief and that pursuit of that ephemeral momentary bliss that we miss out on this deep search for a feeling of peace and groundedness.
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The next trait I wanted to talk about was unhealthy way is when you lose your own identity with the other person as opposed to discovering your identity through the other person.
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So a lot of the time we become so intoxicated in a relationship that we lose ourself in the relationship.
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And what I mean by that is our identity becomes one of just being together, forgetting that you have an identity separate, you have friendships separate, you have interests that are separate, right?
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Your identity comes with individuals, it comes with interests, and it comes with independence.
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And when that interest turns into only joint interests, when that individual turns into only friends that you both get along with, and when that independence turns into codependence, that s where a lot of our challenges come in relationships.
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So I want to ask you right now, who are the individuals?
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What are the interests?
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And what is the independence that you don t want to lose in a relationship, that you don t want to sacrifice?
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And by the way, no one s making you sacrifice it.
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We voluntarily give it up, and then we get upset and blame it on the other person.
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We get wrapped up in a relationship.
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And I want you to encourage your partner to do the same again.
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Again, at the beginning of a relationship, it can feel really exciting when the person says, oh, I m not going to see my friends.
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I just want to see you.
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Oh, I m not going to see my family.
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I just want to see you.
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Oh, I don t care about playing pickleball tonight.
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I m just going to see you.
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That all sounds and feels amazing.
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Someone put you as number one, which is important.
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But your role in the relationship, as that relationship develops, I m not saying say no to that.
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But as it develops, remind the other person to not give up the individuals, the interests, and the independence that they had before in ways that are healthy for them, right?
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If it s healthy for them to see their friends that they work out with, if it s healthy for them to continue certain interests that they re passionate about, encourage them, remind them of that.
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Don t force them, don t push them towards it, but don t forget to remind them towards who they were before they met you.
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Now one thing that happens a lot in relationships is that we point out other people s mistakes or they point out ours.
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And what s really interesting is we feel worried about pointing out other people s strengths and people often worry about pointing out ours.
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So we focus on the mistakes rather than holding up a mirror
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So the other person can reflect for themselves.
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So if you have two people in a relationship who are both reflecting on their own behavior because they see how it impacts the other person, and that s where we re trying to get to.
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It s really hard.
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This is a hard one.
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because both people have to be reflective.
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But if you start a relationship and say, hey, if we re both reflective, we don t have to point out each other s mistakes.
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We ll automatically know what they are.
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This is the age-old one.
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Expecting someone to know what you want.
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I can t believe I still have to say this one, but I really see it all the time.
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We think love is, they already knew.
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They finished my sentence.
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They know what I m thinking.
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They knew what I wanted for my birthday.
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They get me.
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Our definition of love, our feeling of love is if we think someone gets us.
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And to get to that, we need to help them get us by communicating it.
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It s so obvious, but being able to say something like, yesterday, me and Radhi, it was a rainy, rainy day this week in LA.
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And I hope if anyone was affected, I m sending you lots of love.
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I hope it wasn t too bad for those of you who may have been in California.
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But
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It was just really interesting.
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I was saying to Radhi, I was like, this is what I want to do.
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She was telling me what she wanted to do.
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And it s just like communicating rather than like, oh, you should have known what I wanted to eat today.
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Or you should have known what I wanted to do today because we ve been together for 10 years.
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And I think that s what s so interesting is that the longer it gets, we think more and more that it should be that way.
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So we rely more on mind reading and then rely less on communication.
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when communication is what is going to make the difference.
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I hope that these have helped you today.
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I hope that this guides you in your relationship and your connection.
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I m so grateful that you trusted me to spend this time with me.
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I hope that you ll pass this episode on to someone else.
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And again, thank you so much for being a part of the On Purpose community.
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It means the world to me.
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And I can t wait for you to keep listening.
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Thank you.
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This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol.
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The joy they brought to the nation.
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You re free completely.
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No one is there to destroy you.
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The danger they endured.
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They said my head should be cut off.
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I m John Legend.
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Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.