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SPEAKER_01
Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.
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I m Buck Rogers, and I m joined by the Duchess of Duluth.
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SPEAKER_03
Where did Buck Rogers come from?
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SPEAKER_01
That was a show when I was a kid, Buck Rogers.
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SPEAKER_01
It was kind of maybe a B version of Star Trek.
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SPEAKER_01
He was a starship trooper fighter pilot.
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SPEAKER_03
Okay, well, when you go by Buck Rogers on those days, can I go by Michelle Tanner?
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SPEAKER_01
Oh my god, yes.
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Who s Michelle Tanner?
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SPEAKER_03
Mary-Kate and Ashley from Full House.
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SPEAKER_01
Oh, okay, interesting.
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SPEAKER_01
I guess that works.
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If we were playing Connections, it would work in TV characters.
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SPEAKER_03
Exactly.
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But I m always inclined to pin a sci-fi name on you.
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Like RTD2 or RDD, whatever he is.
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It has to be something you can pronounce.
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SPEAKER_01
Yeah, okay, CP3, mm, no, not sure what that one is either.
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SPEAKER_01
CP3PO and R2D2.
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Okay, those have always been hard for me.
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Do they roll off your tongue?
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SPEAKER_03
CP3PO, R2D2, yes, but I m not into sci-fi.
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SPEAKER_01
Right, nor are you a robot, a robot.
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But I am a Michelle Tanner.
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SPEAKER_01
Okay, great, Michelle Tanner.
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I m now learning that name, I don t know that name, and I m gonna try to connect that.
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SPEAKER_03
You might have to practice it.
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Let s go from the top.
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Okay.
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And we re still rolling everyone back to one.
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I m Buck Rogers, and I m joined by Michelle Tanner.
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That s me, you got it, dude.
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Oh my God, great, and you ll have a catchphrase.
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This works out big time for me.
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Today we re going to hear cautionary tales.
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They run the gamut, as you might expect, these cautionary tales.
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But I also want to tell everybody next month s prompts, which are, tell us a crazy stalking story.
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If you were murdered in this one, it probably won t be fun for us.
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Well, no, we do accept ghosts.
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Okay.
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SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
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Okay.
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Tell us a crazy stalking story.
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Tell us about a secret your parents kept from you as a kid.
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Shout out to the arm cherry who suggested that great one.
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Tell us a crazy house sitting story.
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Also was a suggestion from an arm cherry.
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Tell us a crazy mall story.
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Monica s suggestion.
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You guys, mall stores can be lots of things.
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They can be shoplifting, they can be hookups, they can be in the food court.
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I had a mall hookup in the Burger King bathroom.
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See, you already want to tell it.
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Yeah, but I must protect her identity.
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My hookup.
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DJ Tanner.
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RT Tanner.
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RTD Tanner.
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Please enjoy Cautionary Tales.
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Lucky for Johnny.
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Cautionary tale.
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Mine is don t get sick.
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That s my cautionary tale.
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SPEAKER_03
Did you take your leave D?
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I did, yeah.
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And boy oh boy, I don t know why I haven t been taking that for the last week and a half, because I didn t cough at all in the middle of the night, and that s what s been keeping me out.
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No coughs all night.
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It worked.
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Tuss and DM.
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You died.
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I m dead.
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Ready for Amy?
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Yeah.
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Amy.
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Amy Hansen?
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Cautionary tale.
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It s Amy H. I hope it s Amy Hansen so bad.
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Oh my god, you love it to be Amy Hansen.
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Oh my god, can it please be Amy Hansen?
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What if one of our friends called and told a really damaging story?
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You know, I m dying for that.
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SPEAKER_03
Hi.
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Oh, that s us.
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Hold on.
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We didn t plug in.
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We were chitchatting.
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Amy?
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Yes.
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SPEAKER_02
Hi.
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Now I can hear you beautifully.
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We weren t hooked up.
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Oh my gosh.
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It s important to be hooked up y all.
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Very.
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You gotta be.
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What is this lovely collage poster behind you?
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Well, this is for Monica.
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It s actually a quilt.
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That our friend Luke Haynes made for me.
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Do you remember him?
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Yes.
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Luke who made our quilt.
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Oh my God.
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Small world.
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And the letters on it say Hospitaliano.
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Is that Italian for hospitality?
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You know, it s a made up word.
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Have you ever been to the Olive Garden?
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Oh, yes.
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Yeah.
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In the 90s, when you walked in the Olive Garden, the host would say, Hospitaliano, to greet you.
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Oh, they would?
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It was like the dumbest thing.
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I always thought it was hilarious because it s just this word that Olive Garden made up.
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So when Luke made the quilt, he wanted me to put something on it that was like aspirational, so that s what I chose.
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Oh, I love it.
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That s incredible.
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Also, it s beautiful.
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He s so talented.
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He s so talented.
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And I don t want to get too off topic, but do you know the Zagat guide where they review restaurants?
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Yes.
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They let their comedic side shine when they review Olive Garden in particular.
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I don t know if you ve ever read any reviews in Zagat for Olive Garden.
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I have not.
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The two that I ve memorized is, this Italian Denny s prides itself on blank, blank, blank.
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And then another one said, if you like airplane food Italian.
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Oh, God.
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Yeah, they were rough.
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But I feel like that s where they cut loose a little bit.
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That s hilarious.
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I ll have to look that up, especially since I m such a fan.
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What part of the South are you in?
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How d you know I was from the South?
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Because you said y all.
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Well, I live in Asheville, North Carolina.
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Oh, we like it there.
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You know how much I love it, right?
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I talk about it all the time.
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I just moved here four years ago from Austin, which is another great place.
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You re hitting up all the good spots.
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Yeah, you re ahead of me.
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You re living out many of my dreams.
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I m just going to keep going to like smaller and smaller, cool, hip, artsy beer towns until there s nothing left.
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Okay.
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So you have a cautionary tale.
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Let s get to the business at hand.
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I do have one.
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There might be several cautionary tales within this big meta cautionary tale.
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Okay, great.
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This took place in the summer of 1996 and I was living in Austin.
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I d just gotten out of college.
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I was living with my two roommates, Julie and Jason.
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I don t think we were working, we were just going to see shows and like drinking Shiner Bock and eating tacos and that s what we did every day.
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It was so fun.
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So we had this friend named Ian who had rented a cabin for the summer about an hour south of Austin.
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And he invited us down one Friday afternoon to just hang out, party a little bit, get into some shenanigans.
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So we drove down and got there around 4.30 in the afternoon.
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So it was the three of us and then Ian and then this friend of his named Warren.
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This is all going to make sense in a second while there s all these people.
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I can already tell Warren s going to be the variable we need to keep our eyes on.
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You can already predict that?
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Yeah, I can feel that.
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He s going to be the issue, but continue.
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Is the cautionary tale don t trust Warren s?
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It s generally the friend of the friend that s the problem.
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Totally.
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Yeah.
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This guy that we d never met before was there, but the other four of us had been long-term friends.
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So, you know, we start drinking or hanging out and the sun starts to set and Ian s like, let s go down to the creek.
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and see the water before it gets dark.
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It s really cool down there.
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You have to take this trail that s like a half of a mile and then you get to this ridgeline and then you take these rustic steps down with like logs and rocks and shit.
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Then you get down to the creek and walk a little further.
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So as we re walking to the creek, my friend Julie and I kind of hang back and we re like, let s convince the boys.
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to go skinny dipping and we ll take their clothes and run.
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Oh, sure.
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Classic trick.
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It s classic, right, Monica?
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Of course, we re going to do that.
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We re going to steal their clothes and run.
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So that exact thing happens.
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We get down to the creek base and we walk a little ways to get to deeper water.
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And we re like, hey, guys, what do you think about skinny?
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And like before we can even stop saying the sentence, they re already like five seconds.
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All their clothes are off.
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Their shoes are off and they re in the water.
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They ve been waiting their whole lives for two ladies to ask them to get naked.
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Yeah.
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Totally.
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I m sorry to interject now, but this sounds very much like Crouse Springs.
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Do you know where Wimberley is?
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Yeah.
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It was in Wimberley.
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Okay.
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Have you been to Crouse Springs?
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Yeah.
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A bunch of times.
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I love it.
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But you walk down all these pathways and there s a ridge and then there s a beautiful Creek.
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It s really similar.
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My best friend lives in Wimberley.
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Oh really?
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Oh my God.
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Shout out.
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Who is he?
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Let s shout him out.
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Matthew Vasquez.
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Warren Vasquez.
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Oh my God.
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Was that this Warren?
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I hope it wasn t this Warren.
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We re never going to get air.
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This Warren does not like me anymore.
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Okay.
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So they get naked.
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They jump in.
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As soon as they do, you know, we bend down, scoop up all their clothes and their shoes, every single thing.
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And we just start running.
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We run up the steps.
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We re like laughing.
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You know how you laugh so hard?
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You re like out of breath.
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And just the visual, I m imagining the three naked guys with shit swinging around, like chasing after us.
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So we don t even turn around.
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We run straight to the cabin.
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We throw shit down.
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We get on the patio and we re like, yeah, awesome.
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High five, pour some drinks, and just sit there and wait for them to come back up the trail.
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Because this cabin s in, like, a pod of other cabins, so there s other people out milling around, and we just thought it was going to be hilarious for them to come up the trail naked and we would all have a big laugh.
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But, like, 20 minutes go by.
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Oh, God.
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Uh-oh.
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30 minutes.
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No boys.
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It s getting dark outside.
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Oh, no.
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And we realized, like, something terrible has probably happened.
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Oh.
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Hmm.
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We remembered that Ian, the guy who lived there,
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and Jason, our roommate, had grabbed little flashlights when we left the house.
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And remember, this is like the 90s, so there s no cell phones with flashlights or anything.
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It s like those little bitty mag lights.
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Yeah.
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So we start rummaging around in their pant pockets and we find two mag lights, Ian s and Jason s, and we dig around in Warren s pants.
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Oh yeah.
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We didn t find a flashlight, but what we found was the thickest pair of eyeglasses you ve ever seen.
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Like Coke bottle thick.
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And the two of us pull it out and we re like, Oh my God, this guy is like seriously visually impaired.
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Yeah.
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Legally blind for sure.
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And he didn t wear his glasses because he wanted to look handsome, and now he s trapped down in the water naked.
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Exactly, and he didn t want to tell people he was blind, and he took off his glasses.
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He didn t want us to know that.
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You re right, there s a lot of cautionary tales.
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One is like, don t let your vanity kill you.
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Oh, you re right.
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Keep your glasses on.
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Also, be nicer.
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Well, I think that ll be over.
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We realized, like, oh, we left this blind guy down there in the creek.
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It s super dark.
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Oh, fuck.
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We ve got to go rescue them.
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So we grab the flashlights and we head back down the trail.
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And as I m telling this, I was thinking about this this morning, like, it s really funny.
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We did not grab their clothes or their shoes or anything.
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Of course, we re just like, get the flashlights and find these guys.
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So we get to the stairs area and hear the three of them come and they looked.
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like they had been to war, like a complete disaster.
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Our roommate, Jason, was covered in mud from head to toes, caked on him everywhere.
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Like Lord of the Flies.
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Scratches.
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Scratches?
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What the fuck?
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Was there a tiger?
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His hair was all messed up.
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He had like sticks stuck on him.
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Ian, the guy who lived there, he was just dirty.
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He didn t look as bad.
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But that guy, Warren, y all.
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Was blood coming out of his eyes?
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Monica?
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Jeez, Monica.
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Well, you guys, he s blind.
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He looked like someone had full force just punched him in the face.
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Oh, no.
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His eye was all swollen up.
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It was a black and blue.
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He had a big gash on his forehead, like with all this
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coagulated blood.
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He looked just totally dazed.
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His knees were all busted up.
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What the fuck happened with this guy?
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Well, also, did you see how scary it looked?
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Like, it s dark and they re shining a flashlight and they re revealing Warren s mangled face.
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Like, you gotta think of how dramatic, too, the lighting probably was.
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Did you guys go like, ah, when you shined the light on his face?
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We re like, what the hell happened?
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Just as we suspected, like as soon as we stole their clothes, they came charging after us.
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But since Warden couldn t see, he tripped over this log and he face planted immediately into a big rock.
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Life is both a comedy and a tragedy.
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They didn t want to just leave him.
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Oh, yeah.
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So Ian, the cabin guy, stayed with him while Jason, our roommate, tried to go find help.
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Oh, my God.
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Naked.
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Was he lost?
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Yeah.
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How were you guys able to navigate to the cabin?
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No problem.
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But Jason?
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Because it had gotten dark outside.
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And he kept slipping in the mud or something?
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Wait for it, Monica.
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He couldn t find the rustic stairs back up to the ridgeline.
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Oh, OK.
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He had some rock climbing experience.
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So he decided he would climb up like the 25 or 30 foot wall to get up to the cliff above.
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This is also a cautionary tale.
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Well, he s drunk and young.
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Oh, he s drunk.
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Oh, for God.
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Right.
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And remember, they re all still naked, which is important here because this wall of this cliff was covered in vines.
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Oh.
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And so he started fashioning a harness out of the vines, wrapped the vines around his feet, the vines around his waist.
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He put the vines between his legs to create this kind of seat.
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And he literally climbed up all of these vines to the top, and then he helped the guys back up.
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So needless to say, nobody wanted to party anymore.
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Nobody liked us.
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Everybody decided we should just go home.
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So we went home, we drove back to Austin.
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That night, you didn t spend the night?
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We just drove back.
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Yeah.
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It was bad.
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No one talked in the car on the way back.
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But flash forward to the next morning, Julie and I are hanging out in the kitchen, having coffee.
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When we hear these sounds coming out of Jason s room, like whimpering, ill groans, sad things, we open his door and he was sprawled out on his bed with the sheets kicked off.
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He was again, totally nude.
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And he looked like someone had taken his body and dipped it in like acid or that he d been burned.
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Like his head and neck, arms, palms of his hands, torso, legs, feet.
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Everything was like this magenta color.
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And was he a blistered everywhere?
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Some blisters had started in all of his crotchal region.
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Crotchal, yeah.
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Front and the back.
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Poison ivy?
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The vines were some kind of poison.
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Yeah, so we took him to the emergency room and the doctor diagnosed him with, and I quote, the worst case of poison ivy he d ever seen in his entire career.
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What did they do for that?
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SPEAKER_00
They shot him full of steroids, tons of Benadryl, but he was just on his back in his bed for days after that.
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Oh my God.
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Oh my God, did you guys feel so bad?
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I still feel bad.
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It s taken me 25 years for me to even want to tell this story because I still feel so bad about it.
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I mean, that cliff that he d climbed up was like Jurassic park level, like poison Ivy jungle.
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And you know, the sad thing is it s such a G rated joke.
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Like it started out so silly and innocent.
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It s almost like out of a movie about ninth graders.
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SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
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What was that?
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Ninth graders?
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Yeah.
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It s so innocent and silly.
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And you guys almost murdered two people between Warren s concussion and this.
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I know.
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SPEAKER_01
But also cautionary tale for Jason.
1
SPEAKER_01
Know your limits.
1
SPEAKER_01
You think you re this big rock climber and you re not.
1
SPEAKER_01
Right.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s almost like don t go chasing waterfalls.
1
SPEAKER_02
Stick to the- Yeah, like you can climb rock.
1
SPEAKER_02
That doesn t mean you can climb vines.
1
SPEAKER_02
You re not Tarzan.
1
SPEAKER_01
He took it a little too far with making his grundle and stuff.
1
SPEAKER_02
Or his crotchal parts.
1
SPEAKER_00
There was a lot of tails in there, but this one I think is just don t steal the skinny dipper s clothes.
1
SPEAKER_02
Any of you stayed in touch with Jason?
1
SPEAKER_00
No.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s been a long time.
1
SPEAKER_00
But we were still friends after that.
1
SPEAKER_00
I mean, we lived together for a while.
1
SPEAKER_00
That guy Warren, though, he told Ian, like, I never want to see those girls again.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, he doesn t have to see them if he doesn t wear his glasses.
1
SPEAKER_02
You know, it s crazy.
1
SPEAKER_02
Don t make fun of people.
1
SPEAKER_01
It was really good.
1
SPEAKER_02
And I had to be sad.
1
SPEAKER_02
I was thinking what s funny is I had this dead wrong, which is Warren.
1
SPEAKER_02
Wasn t the issue.
1
SPEAKER_02
You guys were the issue.
1
SPEAKER_02
And from Warren s point of view, it was like, well, these friends of friends fucking almost killed us.
1
SPEAKER_01
Uh-huh.
1
SPEAKER_01
Warren s like the innocent, sacrificial.
1
SPEAKER_00
You re the friends of friends.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh my God, what a twist.
1
SPEAKER_00
If you found Warren and he told the story, it would be the opposite side.
1
SPEAKER_02
We re talking to Warren at 2.40 actually.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh my gosh.
1
SPEAKER_00
I wonder where that guy is now.
1
SPEAKER_02
That was a doozy.
1
SPEAKER_01
I mean, I m gonna say, yeah, no more pranks for anyone.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
You gotta add up all the pranks over time.
1
SPEAKER_02
The ones that went good, the ones that went bad.
1
SPEAKER_02
Did it curb your future prankiness?
1
SPEAKER_02
Did you back off pranks after that or no?
1
SPEAKER_00
No, no.
1
SPEAKER_00
Just, you know, the stealing of clothes.
1
SPEAKER_00
I love to play pranks on people.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
That was a rhetorical question, but... Wow.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I had a hunch.
1
SPEAKER_01
These cautionary tales are going to be a bummer because no one s really learned any lessons.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, I guess that s true.
1
SPEAKER_02
Maybe you re just telling the story to yourself.
1
SPEAKER_02
We do that sometimes.
1
SPEAKER_02
We tell other people the stories we need to hear.
1
SPEAKER_00
That was kind of therapeutic.
1
SPEAKER_00
Thanks, guys.
1
SPEAKER_00
I needed to get that off my chest.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, Amy, that was a joy.
1
SPEAKER_02
And you seem like you were really fun to grow up with.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m a little jealous that I wasn t in Austin with you or now in Asheville, because I love to go skinny dipping and get poison ivy.
1
SPEAKER_00
Come on.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s not too late.
1
SPEAKER_00
Thank you for chatting with us.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
Very nice meeting you.
1
SPEAKER_00
Could I ask you a super favor to say happy birthday to my friend, Lori.
1
SPEAKER_00
She is such an arm cherry fan and she loves you.
1
SPEAKER_00
She turned me on to you guys and she s turning 50 next week.
1
SPEAKER_02
Of course.
1
SPEAKER_02
Happy birthday, Lori.
1
SPEAKER_02
That means we were both born roughly the same time.
1
SPEAKER_02
I guess she was probably 74, but I m knocking right on the back door.
1
SPEAKER_01
Hope she
2
SPEAKER_01
has a great birthday.
2
SPEAKER_03
Stay strong, Laurie.
2
SPEAKER_03
Happy birthday.
2
SPEAKER_01
Thank you both so much.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
Take care of me.
2
SPEAKER_01
Even though I wanted it to be Amy Hansen, that was very fun.
2
SPEAKER_03
It was.
2
SPEAKER_03
She s a fun person, that Amy we just talked to.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I hate pranks.
2
SPEAKER_03
I know you do.
2
SPEAKER_03
They re one of your triggers.
2
SPEAKER_01
They make me cry.
2
SPEAKER_03
Should we do that as a prompt?
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh, that s good.
2
SPEAKER_01
Prank s gone wrong.
2
SPEAKER_03
Have we not done that one?
2
SPEAKER_01
No, didn t we?
2
SPEAKER_01
Because remember the girl in her school?
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, we did.
2
SPEAKER_03
I don t care.
2
SPEAKER_03
We can do it again.
2
SPEAKER_03
We re going to have to recycle for crying out loud.
2
SPEAKER_03
We got to do 48 again.
2
SPEAKER_01
Not yet.
2
SPEAKER_01
For like six more years, then we recycle.
2
SPEAKER_03
All right, here s Madeline.
2
SPEAKER_01
Hi, Monica.
2
SPEAKER_00
Hi, Dax.
2
SPEAKER_00
Hi.
2
SPEAKER_00
Is this Madeline?
2
SPEAKER_00
It s Madeline.
2
SPEAKER_00
Look at your closet.
2
SPEAKER_03
Madeline, it s one of the most beautiful names in the world.
2
SPEAKER_03
And I don t know if you ve heard enough episodes to know that my grandmother s name was Madeline.
2
SPEAKER_03
And she thought, because she was born in, I guess, the 30s, that Madeline was a grandma name and an ugly name.
2
SPEAKER_03
So guess what?
2
SPEAKER_03
She went by her whole life.
2
SPEAKER_03
So much prettier.
2
SPEAKER_03
Midge.
2
SPEAKER_02
Midge?
2
SPEAKER_03
So much prettier.
2
SPEAKER_00
Objectively.
2
SPEAKER_00
I love my name, so thank you so much.
2
SPEAKER_03
No, it s so beautiful.
2
SPEAKER_03
We were always confused growing up.
2
SPEAKER_03
Like, why does Grandma Midge think Madeline is so gross?
2
SPEAKER_03
But Midge is like a super elegant name.
2
SPEAKER_03
Midge Bulltink.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh, wow.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yep.
2
SPEAKER_03
Bulltink.
2
SPEAKER_03
You heard it.
2
SPEAKER_01
She just doubled down.
2
SPEAKER_03
I guess she did.
2
SPEAKER_03
Good for her.
2
SPEAKER_01
She did.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
Maybe Madeline Bultink was too mixed messaging.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
She s a straight shooter.
2
SPEAKER_03
Madeline, where are you other than in your closet?
2
SPEAKER_00
I m in my closet in London, Ontario, Canada.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh my God.
2
SPEAKER_03
So close to Detroit.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
Pretty close.
2
SPEAKER_03
Do you ever go to Detroit?
2
SPEAKER_00
No.
2
SPEAKER_03
Nah, of course not.
2
SPEAKER_03
You re what, about an hour and a half from Toronto?
2
SPEAKER_03
Two hours?
2
SPEAKER_00
About two hours.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
And you know, Rachel McAdams is from your hometown, right?
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh my God.
2
SPEAKER_00
She is.
2
SPEAKER_00
One time I saw her in a coffee shop.
2
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
2
SPEAKER_00
What did she order?
2
SPEAKER_00
Do you know?
2
SPEAKER_00
I don t know what she ordered.
2
SPEAKER_00
She was just in the coffee shop, but I used to work at the University of Toronto, and there was a coffee shop on campus that she went to.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, my God.
2
SPEAKER_03
Was she with Ryan Gosling?
2
SPEAKER_00
No, I don t think so.
2
SPEAKER_00
Was she a student there?
2
SPEAKER_00
No, I think that she was just in Toronto.
2
SPEAKER_00
Can you tell us more about her?
2
SPEAKER_00
I wish I could.
2
SPEAKER_03
OK, so Madeline, you have a cautionary tale.
2
SPEAKER_03
Does it take place in London, Ontario?
2
SPEAKER_00
It doesn t.
2
SPEAKER_00
It actually takes place in Alberta in a city called Grand Prairie, which is quite north in Alberta.
2
SPEAKER_01
Sounds beautiful.
2
SPEAKER_00
It was like a prairie, but it was close to the mountain.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I mean, I couldn t complain.
2
SPEAKER_00
It was back in 2017 and I moved there with my boyfriend at the time, who is now my husband for his job.
2
SPEAKER_00
So we were going to move into our first house there and we worked all week and wait, should I tell you the name of my cautionary tale first?
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, please.
2
SPEAKER_03
You made a name for it?
2
SPEAKER_03
That s great.
2
SPEAKER_00
I did.
2
SPEAKER_00
The cautionary tale bottom line is don t brush your teeth sitting in bed.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, okay.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I love this.
2
SPEAKER_03
Okay, good, good.
2
SPEAKER_03
Because that sounds very innocuous.
2
SPEAKER_00
I wasn t expecting that.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like it can t be dangerous.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_00
We worked all week and then got home Friday afternoon and we were going to pack up the house to move over the weekend.
2
SPEAKER_00
And so we packed until probably about midnight, decided it was time to call it quits.
2
SPEAKER_00
And so my husband went into the en suite and was brushing his teeth, getting ready for bed.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I was like, I m just going to take a beat, sit on the bed, scroll my phone for a minute.
2
SPEAKER_03
Really quick, Madeline, I hate to interrupt your flow, but do you call the bathroom off of the bedroom and en suite?
2
SPEAKER_03
You just educated me on something.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, that s what we call it.
2
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
2
SPEAKER_01
Primary bath.
2
SPEAKER_01
Is it Canadian?
2
SPEAKER_03
It s not.
2
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_03
So he was in the en suite, which is the bathroom connected to the bedroom.
2
SPEAKER_00
That s correct.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_00
Lovely.
2
SPEAKER_00
I was just sitting up against the pillows, scrolling my phone.
2
SPEAKER_00
And my husband s very sweet every time I m around and I haven t brushed my teeth yet.
2
SPEAKER_00
And he gets his toothbrush ready with the toothpaste.
2
SPEAKER_00
He does mine as well.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I knew it was sitting there waiting for me.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I was like, can you just pass me my toothbrush?
2
SPEAKER_00
I ll brush my teeth while I m sitting here and get up and continue with my bedtime routine.
2
SPEAKER_00
And so he did.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I m sitting there just brushing my teeth and it s an electric toothbrush and it runs its course and it s done.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I m sitting there holding it in my mouth, still getting up to go rinse.
2
SPEAKER_00
And since I was leaning on some pillows, I needed a little bit of momentum to get out of bed.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I leaned back and I went to like sit up.
2
SPEAKER_00
As I went to sit up, my knee also came towards me.
2
SPEAKER_00
And it met my elbow and hit my toothbrush, which lodged into the back of my throat.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh my God.
2
SPEAKER_00
Wait.
2
SPEAKER_00
So like I impaled my throat.
2
SPEAKER_03
It punctured your throat?
2
SPEAKER_00
It did.
2
SPEAKER_00
No.
2
SPEAKER_00
It went into my throat, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
No.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I get up, I run to the bathroom and I like push my husband out of the way and I spit into the sink and it s just like a bloodbath.
2
SPEAKER_03
Really quick when you hold your toothbrush out of your mouth.
2
SPEAKER_03
Did you feel it coming out of the back of your throat good question?
2
SPEAKER_00
I don t remember.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, you were Oh
2
SPEAKER_02
I know.
2
SPEAKER_03
I already had the heebie-jeebies at the notion you were brushing your teeth without water.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh my God.
2
SPEAKER_03
Like that s where my heebie-jeebies are.
2
SPEAKER_02
What do you mean?
2
SPEAKER_03
The toothbrush had been buttered, then brought to her in bed.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
For me to brush my teeth, I gotta butter it and then I run it under water.
2
SPEAKER_03
I need a lot of water in there.
2
SPEAKER_01
You did that before.
2
SPEAKER_03
So it came in almost drippy and a little messy.
2
SPEAKER_01
Mine doesn t need to be dri- I rinse it first, then I butter it, and then I brush.
2
SPEAKER_03
But just imagine, like I did, dry toothbrush, toothpaste, then handed to you in bed, and you just start smearing paste all over your mouth.
2
SPEAKER_01
I get what you mean.
2
SPEAKER_01
You need it to be a little wet, but he had already gotten ahead of that.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, we didn t raw dog it.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh my god, I just remembered the throat.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh yes, okay.
2
SPEAKER_00
Bloodbath in the sink and he s like, oh my gosh, what happened?
2
SPEAKER_00
And I was like, I hit my toothbrush in my throat.
2
SPEAKER_00
So he looks and his face instantly changed from like, why are you pushing me?
2
SPEAKER_00
To like, oh my gosh, we have to go to the emergency room right now.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh God.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s well after midnight, we re driving to the emergency room, and we get there, we re in triage, and the nurse is like, what happened?
2
SPEAKER_00
And I m so embarrassed, like I don t want to tell her what happened.
2
SPEAKER_00
What I say is, if this is any better, I say, I just brushed my teeth a little too hard.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, that s worse.
2
SPEAKER_00
Aren t we all weird?
2
SPEAKER_03
We re so weird.
2
SPEAKER_03
It s such a bizarre decision to make, but I can totally relate to doing it.
2
SPEAKER_00
Me too.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I was like, fight, flight, or freeze.
2
SPEAKER_00
They still provided me excellent care.
2
SPEAKER_00
We go into the waiting room and we waited probably an hour, which is not bad.
2
SPEAKER_00
We get into the patient room to see the doctor and he s just like flabbergasted, like has never seen anything like this before.
2
SPEAKER_00
And he s like, well, it s really late at night.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m not calling the dentist on call, but we need to stitch this.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh.
2
SPEAKER_00
He goes and gets the materials he needs to put stitches in my throat.
2
SPEAKER_03
I feel like you need a surgeon for this.
2
SPEAKER_00
Me too.
2
SPEAKER_00
Because how do you even- It s so deep in your- Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
Okay, we ll get to that.
2
SPEAKER_00
Exactly.
2
SPEAKER_00
So he gets it with this big long needle, freezes it.
2
SPEAKER_00
Once the anesthetic sets in, he pulls up this huge needle that is like curved.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like it s like a big hook.
2
SPEAKER_02
Huge fish hook.
2
SPEAKER_00
So he starts stitching and I m laying back and there s all these like surgical lights above me and my husband s standing there and he s watching him and he ll do a stitch and then like pause for a second, take a step back and at one point he s like, I understand why dentists have those suckers because it was just like pooling saliva.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh sure.
2
SPEAKER_00
In the back of my throat.
2
SPEAKER_00
So we do a stitch, undo it, do a stitch, undo it.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like, I couldn t feel the pain, but I could feel it.
2
SPEAKER_00
So anyways, he finishes up, writes me a prescription for antibiotics so I don t get an infection, and sends us on our way.
2
SPEAKER_00
So then the next day, I go to the pharmacy to get the antibiotics.
2
SPEAKER_00
And she s like, I see you have a penicillin allergy, but we normally don t prescribe this antibiotic.
2
SPEAKER_00
Can I ask what it s for?
2
SPEAKER_00
And I was just like, I can t tell her the story either.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I m just like, oh, I have a cut in my mouth.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I like ran out of it.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s fine now, though.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like, it healed up perfectly.
2
SPEAKER_03
How many stitches did you receive?
2
SPEAKER_00
Do you know what?
2
SPEAKER_00
I don t know, but I did send in pictures, like, before and after.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, Rob says he doesn t have them, but I bet Emma has them.
2
SPEAKER_03
Did you send them to Emma?
2
SPEAKER_00
I sent them to Emma, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
Let me text her.
2
SPEAKER_03
I gotta see this.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m gonna regret seeing this, but of course I have to see this.
2
SPEAKER_03
So, wow, okay, that answers my question, because you can t get your fingers back in there, so you just have an enormous long fish hook that you do it with.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yep, that s how they do it, which I never would have known.
2
SPEAKER_00
I do wish he called the dentist on call, though.
2
SPEAKER_03
I just love, though, that you re, like, ascending level of embarrassment.
2
SPEAKER_03
You had the one lie, which is, I did it brushing my teeth, which you didn t.
2
SPEAKER_03
Then even that s too embarrassing, so now it s just, I cut my mouth.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
The idea of having a hole, yeah, when you were swallowing, what was happening?
2
SPEAKER_00
It felt like, you know, when you have a sore throat and it s razor blades.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, you were just talking about that.
2
SPEAKER_03
You just had that.
2
SPEAKER_00
And that s a horrible feeling.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I took lots of Tylenol.
2
SPEAKER_00
I didn t really eat anything solid for a few days, but then it was like those stitches that dissolve and out they went and I just carried on.
2
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
And your mouth heals very quickly.
2
SPEAKER_03
I imagine your throat does too, right?
2
SPEAKER_01
It does, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
This is such a specific cautionary.
2
SPEAKER_01
I am scared now.
2
SPEAKER_01
I am definitely only gonna brush my teeth in an upright standing.
2
SPEAKER_03
Standing up in the en-suite.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
Although you don t have an en-suite yet.
2
SPEAKER_03
Monica has to go in a hallway like a caveman to go to her bathroom.
2
SPEAKER_01
I do, it sucks.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s a long walk.
2
SPEAKER_01
But maybe it saved my life.
2
SPEAKER_03
It could ve.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh, God.
2
SPEAKER_03
I would love video of you trying to rock yourself.
2
SPEAKER_01
Okay, here are the pictures.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, they ve come, let s see.
3
SPEAKER_02
It is a legit just hole.
3
SPEAKER_04
Okay, great though.
3
SPEAKER_04
This is slightly better than I was expecting.
3
SPEAKER_02
It s after the surgery.
3
SPEAKER_04
Well, it s on the side of your mouth.
3
SPEAKER_04
Oh, here s a little more fresh before it s healed.
3
SPEAKER_04
I guess that s the stitches.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_04
I was picturing the center punching your throat.
3
SPEAKER_02
No, it was kind of like biting it.
3
SPEAKER_02
It is throat.
3
SPEAKER_02
It s just a little on the side.
3
SPEAKER_04
But also your tongue is so cute.
3
SPEAKER_04
You don t have any like white on your tongue or anything.
3
SPEAKER_04
It s so healthy.
3
SPEAKER_02
Maybe she did a filter on it.
3
SPEAKER_04
This is like one of the healthiest tongues I ve ever seen.
3
SPEAKER_04
It s like a baby s.
3
SPEAKER_02
It does look nice.
3
SPEAKER_02
I feel a little weird that we re zooming in.
3
SPEAKER_04
No, you like this, right?
3
SPEAKER_04
Cause it s so complimentary.
3
SPEAKER_02
Sure.
3
SPEAKER_02
I d be so anxious if somebody was zooming in on a picture of my tongue.
3
SPEAKER_04
Unless you had that tongue, you d be like, yeah, go ahead and get close.
3
SPEAKER_02
Things have gone too far, but we re very grossed out by your story.
3
SPEAKER_00
Well, I m glad you re grossed out by it.
3
SPEAKER_00
Actually, after I submitted, my friend was like, no, you should submit a different story.
3
SPEAKER_04
Maybe we ll talk to you a second time for a different story.
3
SPEAKER_04
Do you have a lot of stories?
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I m a pretty clumsy person, so I also had another good cautionary tale, but if something comes up about washing machines, maybe I can do that one.
3
SPEAKER_04
Okay, great.
3
SPEAKER_04
Well, it s very nice to meet you, Madeline.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m glad you healed up.
3
SPEAKER_00
Thank you for having me.
3
SPEAKER_00
This was like a bucket list experience.
3
SPEAKER_04
You probably don t even have a scar back there, right?
3
SPEAKER_04
Because the mouth heals so nicely.
3
SPEAKER_00
Not that I ve noticed.
3
SPEAKER_04
We ll send a picture, close up picture of your tongue and the side of your mouth.
3
SPEAKER_04
I ll give it a good once over and I ll tell you.
3
SPEAKER_00
You just want to see my tongue again.
3
SPEAKER_04
It s gorgeous.
3
SPEAKER_04
You should be very proud.
3
SPEAKER_04
Well, really nice meeting you.
3
SPEAKER_04
Thanks for telling us that story.
3
SPEAKER_02
Amazing.
3
SPEAKER_02
Thank you guys.
3
SPEAKER_02
I feel like I want to go look at my tongue in the mirror up close to see if it looks like that.
3
SPEAKER_04
I would be very nervous that mine had like some white on it or something.
3
SPEAKER_04
I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_04
I drink a lot of things.
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_04
Most of us, you know, oh fuck.
3
SPEAKER_04
I don t want to make anyone self-conscious, but you know, sometimes you see someone that tongues like white.
3
SPEAKER_02
That s, you re right, we re not allowed to.
3
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, because I don t think anyone s picking that or doing it intentionally.
3
SPEAKER_04
I don t think you can give yourself that on purpose.
3
SPEAKER_04
But I brush my tongue really thoroughly every morning and every night.
3
SPEAKER_02
Me too.
3
SPEAKER_04
Because I have a big fear of having that whiteness.
3
SPEAKER_02
Well, also that s where a lot of the bacteria lives.
3
SPEAKER_02
And you know where else it lives, according to my dentist.
3
SPEAKER_02
So once I learned this, I do it all the time.
3
SPEAKER_02
Your palate.
3
SPEAKER_04
That s tickly.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, it s gaggy and tickly, but it s important to do.
3
SPEAKER_04
I ll do it.
3
SPEAKER_04
I ll add that tonight.
3
SPEAKER_04
In fact, I can t wait now to brush my teeth.
3
SPEAKER_04
I might do it in bed.
3
SPEAKER_02
No!
3
SPEAKER_04
I m not going to go into the en suite.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh my God.
3
SPEAKER_04
You know, my therapist said to me, I ve never laughed this hard in therapy.
3
SPEAKER_04
I haven t laughed this hard in a very long time.
3
SPEAKER_04
But he said to me, well, you are, let s say, very resistant to learning.
3
SPEAKER_04
Oh, that is fucking that hit me.
3
SPEAKER_02
That s not true, though.
3
SPEAKER_04
So hard.
3
SPEAKER_04
In many ways, it s really a bullseye.
3
SPEAKER_02
I mean, in some ways, it s true.
3
SPEAKER_02
In some ways, it s not.
3
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, it really floored me.
3
SPEAKER_02
You could hear that.
3
SPEAKER_04
Oh, my God.
3
SPEAKER_04
You know, like when someone hits something.
3
SPEAKER_02
You can only hear that coming from a few people.
3
SPEAKER_04
Hence that you have a hard time learning.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_04
Because you don t trust anybody or anything.
3
SPEAKER_04
So it kind of came out of the blue.
3
SPEAKER_04
But I just said that because... Tongues?
3
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, because I am going to try brushing the roof of my... And you re going to try to impale yourself?
3
SPEAKER_04
No, I m just going to make an effort to be more open to learning.
3
SPEAKER_04
I was laughing so hard because I m like it s so right and how embarrassing expressedly someone who claims to love learning.
3
SPEAKER_04
I like learning info from a book that no one has to deliver to me.
3
SPEAKER_02
I know.
3
SPEAKER_03
Here s Eric.
3
SPEAKER_01
Eric Richardson.
3
SPEAKER_01
All our friends are calling in.
3
SPEAKER_01
Hi.
3
SPEAKER_04
Is it Eric?
3
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_04
You ve draped some kind of makeshift sound dampener behind you.
3
SPEAKER_04
I like it.
3
SPEAKER_02
Me too.
3
SPEAKER_03
It s blankets and like one of those arc lights.
3
SPEAKER_03
I got some like potato chip bag clips.
3
SPEAKER_04
Oh, you went all out.
3
SPEAKER_02
It looks good.
3
SPEAKER_02
It sounds good.
3
SPEAKER_02
We appreciate it.
3
SPEAKER_04
Are you a fabricator by trade or just today you stepped up to the plate?
3
SPEAKER_04
You called me on it.
3
SPEAKER_04
I m an architect.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh my God.
3
SPEAKER_04
I m a nerd.
3
SPEAKER_02
Architects are cool.
3
SPEAKER_02
My best friend s dad is an architect and he s very cool.
3
SPEAKER_04
Where are you at?
3
SPEAKER_04
I m in Seattle.
3
SPEAKER_04
Great town for an architect.
3
SPEAKER_04
It is.
3
SPEAKER_04
And do you do commercial or everything?
3
SPEAKER_04
Did you love Fountainhead?
3
SPEAKER_04
Do you like Howard Roark?
3
SPEAKER_04
Tell me.
3
SPEAKER_03
You know, I read it when I was in the eighth grade.
3
SPEAKER_03
When I was a little kid, I was obsessed with it.
3
SPEAKER_03
I was like, that s what I want to do.
3
SPEAKER_03
Then it kind of came out later that it s just this kind of narcissism and there s all this toxic philosophy in it.
3
SPEAKER_03
And I was like,
3
SPEAKER_03
Huh, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
But I did a long roundabout thing before I got into architecture.
3
SPEAKER_03
I went and I was a design builder and I built like earth houses.
3
SPEAKER_04
Okay, wow.
3
SPEAKER_04
Very Washington of you.
3
SPEAKER_03
I lived all over the place.
3
SPEAKER_03
So I moved all around in Colorado, California.
3
SPEAKER_02
You ve done it all.
3
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_04
The fountainhead, I think, appeals to a young man a lot.
3
SPEAKER_04
Because it s all about having conviction in who you are and a vision.
3
SPEAKER_04
And then you get older and you re like, yeah, it s my way or the highway.
3
SPEAKER_04
And then I m lonely and no one likes me.
3
SPEAKER_04
So maybe there s another approach.
3
SPEAKER_03
Well, that s the biggest problem with architecture is egos.
3
SPEAKER_03
We call them like, you know, the caped architects.
3
SPEAKER_03
They come in and it s like, I ve come to save you poor ignorant people.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
It s terrible.
3
SPEAKER_03
And I mean, it is one of the most collaborative professions there are, and it should be all about good interdisciplinary thinking.
3
SPEAKER_03
You know, asking the questions is the funnest part.
3
SPEAKER_02
You sound nice, like my architect, Bill.
3
Shout out.
3
SPEAKER_02
I love him.
3
SPEAKER_03
He s nice.
3
SPEAKER_03
I take that as the highest praise.
3
SPEAKER_02
It is.
3
SPEAKER_03
Okay, you have a cautionary tale.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_03
This is actually from my honeymoon.
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh.
3
2007.
3
SPEAKER_03
My wife and I got married in Portland.
3
SPEAKER_03
We wanted to go to Thailand for like a month and really like do it up.
3
SPEAKER_03
My wife s best friend decides to get married the week after, even though we ve been planning it for forever.
3
SPEAKER_03
So anyway, we have to like go to New York City right after.
3
SPEAKER_03
So we re like, okay, where s close?
3
SPEAKER_03
We were kind of dirtbag kids.
3
SPEAKER_03
27 is kind of young, I guess, to get married.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
So we ve done Central America a bunch, but we ve never been to Belize.
3
SPEAKER_03
It s super beautiful.
3
SPEAKER_03
For a honeymoon, it s great because there s not a lot to do.
3
SPEAKER_03
So you can just do what you need to do on your honeymoon.
3
SPEAKER_04
And it s on the Caribbean.
3
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
We were in Ambergeese Key.
3
SPEAKER_03
We stayed at this little beach cabana, three cabanas, and then like a restaurant, like a little tiki bar type thing.
3
SPEAKER_04
This sounds like heaven.
3
SPEAKER_04
I want to go.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
It really was like the owners.
3
SPEAKER_03
Maybe they ve been on like Jimmy Buffett tour too long.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
Stay too long in Margaritaville.
3
SPEAKER_03
A little bit older.
3
SPEAKER_03
Ex-pats.
3
SPEAKER_03
Very nice.
3
SPEAKER_03
Boozy.
3
SPEAKER_03
Very boozy.
3
SPEAKER_03
I think one of them was reforms, but then it would like kind of go off the rails.
3
SPEAKER_04
Sure.
3
SPEAKER_04
Dax Shepard type.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
They have a 14 year old son and there was always this kind of like tension and drama.
3
SPEAKER_03
Like he was always getting into trouble.
3
SPEAKER_03
We re just having a good time.
3
SPEAKER_03
And we re trying to like ignore all of that.
3
SPEAKER_03
There s these like kind of fights and like, we re going to send you to military school.
3
SPEAKER_03
It was a little bit of a lot, but anyway, so we kind of ignore that.
3
SPEAKER_03
We have beautiful days.
3
SPEAKER_03
And then on the third night, we went to the, like the nice local restaurant.
3
SPEAKER_03
My wife decides to eat the salad.
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh, and I was kind of like, Oh, I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_03
The next day, Jackson Pollock and porcelain type situation.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
You know, I wanted to like stick around, but you know, out of here.
3
SPEAKER_03
Monica policy.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
I was like, all right, what do I do?
3
SPEAKER_03
And then I remember this kid that I ve been like trying to put out of my mind.
3
SPEAKER_03
He s very boisterous.
3
SPEAKER_03
He was like, I ll show you the best spots on the islands for spearfishing.
3
SPEAKER_03
I was like, oh great.
3
SPEAKER_03
You know, that s going to be fun.
3
SPEAKER_03
I d lived in Hawaii, done some spearfishing before.
3
SPEAKER_03
I was like, that sounds great.
3
SPEAKER_03
So I got really excited.
3
SPEAKER_03
I m like a big child when it comes to the ocean.
3
SPEAKER_03
Fins, masks, spears, hop into a kayak.
3
SPEAKER_03
The whole place is like this big linear beach.
3
SPEAKER_03
And then there s a reef.
3
SPEAKER_03
I did my Monica fact check.
3
SPEAKER_03
It s the longest barrier reef in the Western Hemisphere.
3
SPEAKER_03
700 miles.
3
SPEAKER_03
There s like a half a mile between the beach and the reef.
3
SPEAKER_03
And it s just this kind of like monolithic extrusion.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
So we went out, there are different little anchor spots you tie off your kayak.
3
SPEAKER_03
It s like a swimming pool.
3
SPEAKER_03
There s not a lot going on.
3
SPEAKER_03
It s kind of boring and there s no fish.
3
SPEAKER_03
So I was kind of like, what about the next spot?
3
SPEAKER_03
This kid kind of had a lot of pigeon-y isms.
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh, okay.
3
SPEAKER_02
What s that mean?
3
SPEAKER_03
Hybrid language, like slang, island slang.
3
SPEAKER_03
He was like really trying to fit in, take on the local language, but it was kind of like...
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_01
Sure, sure.
3
SPEAKER_03
Poser.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, we went to the next spot, same thing.
3
SPEAKER_03
We went to another spot.
3
SPEAKER_03
Each time, you know, it s like, oh, big time, I know what you, you know, we re gonna find the spot, you know, it s gonna be great.
3
SPEAKER_03
Tons of fish.
3
SPEAKER_03
Every time it was like, all right.
3
SPEAKER_03
You know, I think it was third or fourth time.
3
SPEAKER_03
And like, we left at like eight in the morning.
3
SPEAKER_03
It was well afternoon, like one or two.
3
SPEAKER_03
We just brought water.
3
SPEAKER_03
It was like hasty.
3
SPEAKER_03
When I was running out to the kayak, I was like applying the sunscreen myself.
3
SPEAKER_03
I didn t want to ask my wife.
3
SPEAKER_03
But something snapped within this kid, because I started complaining and questioned, I think, his masculinity a little bit.
3
SPEAKER_03
He was like, OK, fine.
3
SPEAKER_03
I got it.
3
SPEAKER_03
We re going to go to this spot.
3
SPEAKER_03
I was like, all right, great.
3
SPEAKER_03
I think this is a breakthrough moment.
3
SPEAKER_03
So we paddle way farther south from where we were, half an hour paddle, same thing, anchor, tie off, hop in.
3
SPEAKER_03
And we start cruising around.
3
SPEAKER_03
And it does start to drop off and get deep.
3
SPEAKER_03
And I m like, oh, this is sweet.
3
SPEAKER_03
Start going down and checking stuff out.
3
SPEAKER_03
Like, this is perfect.
3
SPEAKER_03
And as I m just kind of happy, enjoying it,
4
SPEAKER_02
you know, look over to the kid, like, good job.
4
SPEAKER_02
About that time, I started to realize that we re being pulled and being pulled pretty fast.
4
SPEAKER_03
Oh, you re in like a current.
4
SPEAKER_02
Basically, he took me to this huge channel where there s this kind of cut in the reef.
4
SPEAKER_02
We re like in this river where basically at low tide, that whole 700 mile thing was just emptying out in this channel out through the reef.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh my God.
4
SPEAKER_02
I look around at him and again, I m like, all right, time to turn around.
4
SPEAKER_02
And so we basically just start paddling back.
4
SPEAKER_02
We re paddling pretty hard.
4
SPEAKER_02
This is probably like a quarter mile gap in the reef.
4
SPEAKER_02
So there s no rocks on either side, but we re just continuing to get pulled out.
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh boy.
4
SPEAKER_02
It starts to fuck with your head.
4
SPEAKER_02
I knew that last thing you want to do is panic.
4
SPEAKER_02
Just stay calm.
4
SPEAKER_02
This kind of went on and we got pulled out into the ocean pretty much just like past the reef.
4
SPEAKER_02
All right, now we need to kind of figure out a way to like come back around.
4
SPEAKER_02
And so we started trying to get to the edge of the channel.
4
SPEAKER_03
Really quick, are you swimming or are you re in the kayak at this point?
4
SPEAKER_03
We re swimming.
4
SPEAKER_02
We have our like fins and masks on.
4
SPEAKER_02
We have our spears.
4
SPEAKER_02
Don t lose those.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
Like a couple of idiots.
4
SPEAKER_02
So as we re like out there trying to come back, when you re like a half mile away, you don t realize how big the waves are on the reef.
4
SPEAKER_02
The waves are huge crashing on big jagged, rocky reefs.
4
SPEAKER_02
We re trying to like thread the needle of getting out of that big channel in the current.
4
SPEAKER_02
and getting close to the reef, but not too close.
4
SPEAKER_02
And we were probably paddling like an hour or so, just trying to get back in.
4
SPEAKER_02
And it started to go through those like head games of my wife flying back by herself.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, of course.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh, did you hear about Eric?
4
SPEAKER_02
What an idiot.
4
SPEAKER_02
They never found him.
4
SPEAKER_02
Or I was like thinking, oh, well, we re going to be those people that are just like out in the open ocean for multiple days, slowly getting pecked at.
4
SPEAKER_02
So it was like all these terrible thoughts.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I swear to God, I could see back to the cabana, like a half a mile away.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I could imagine my wife just sitting there just like,
4
SPEAKER_02
Where is he?
4
SPEAKER_02
What s going on?
4
SPEAKER_02
Like, it s just like, please.
4
SPEAKER_02
I think as I was spinning in my head, this kid was also totally losing his shit.
4
SPEAKER_02
Of course.
4
SPEAKER_02
So he like pulled his mask off, you know, water and he s like, I can t.
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh God.
4
SPEAKER_02
I m not as tough as I thought I was.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I don t speak Pidgin.
4
SPEAKER_02
The mask was off.
4
SPEAKER_02
Like literally the mask was off.
4
SPEAKER_02
The dark part of our brains was like, he can t swim anymore.
4
SPEAKER_02
Like what the fuck am I going to do?
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
Every man for themselves at this point.
4
SPEAKER_02
And then I was like, I m not going to ditch the owner s kid and try and go and get help, grab the kid s hands.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I m like, we re fucking going.
4
SPEAKER_02
Like you are swimming kick, like stop.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I think basically because I had to convince him going, I basically talked myself into continuing to push and kick.
4
SPEAKER_02
You told him what you needed to hear.
4
SPEAKER_02
Pretty much.
4
SPEAKER_02
We made it out right around the edge.
4
SPEAKER_02
There are a few times where he got pretty close to rocks, but got out, got back to the kayak.
4
SPEAKER_02
Paddled back onto the beach, stumbled into the cabana.
4
SPEAKER_02
The first thing I did was just lean into the sink and just drink out of the sink, which is like the last thing you should ever do.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh yeah, oh my God.
4
SPEAKER_02
I didn t have water in multiple hours.
4
SPEAKER_02
My whole back, you could see where my fingers were trying to apply.
4
SPEAKER_02
And there was just this like red raised welt.
4
SPEAKER_02
So the cautionary tale is don t do anything aggressive on your honeymoon.
4
SPEAKER_02
That s not the time.
4
SPEAKER_02
Don t listen to boisterous kids and take them for their word, which is obviously like a duh.
4
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, I feel like the cautionary tale is much more, don t allow a 14-year-old boy to lead you anywhere.
4
SPEAKER_01
Because they re going to be full of bravado and they do not know what they re doing.
4
SPEAKER_03
They re trying to act like a man.
4
SPEAKER_02
It s like an awkward situation where it s like, oh, this kid s kind of a guy.
4
SPEAKER_03
This is totally fine, right?
4
SPEAKER_03
Sure.
4
SPEAKER_03
And I don t know what 14 years old is on the island.
4
SPEAKER_03
Maybe that s 19 in New York.
4
SPEAKER_01
I hope he got sent to military school.
4
SPEAKER_03
I kept pushing him too.
4
SPEAKER_03
I only made it worse.
4
SPEAKER_01
Maybe that s part of the cautionary tale.
4
SPEAKER_01
Don t do that.
4
SPEAKER_03
Don t challenge your 14 year old guy.
4
SPEAKER_02
Just hang out with your wife when she has the haunus, right?
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, that would have been so sad for her if she got food poisoning and her husband died.
4
SPEAKER_03
Well, and then she would tell herself it was her fault because had she not gotten food poisoning, he wouldn t have left her.
4
SPEAKER_02
No, she d be like, my husband s an idiot.
4
SPEAKER_03
In a weird way, and I don t know why I think this, but I ve been in this situation probably four times in my life where you re losing your shit and you have to say, oh, this is that time you hear about, you need to get your thinking together or you actually are going to die.
4
SPEAKER_03
I feel like my Bora Bora story that you probably heard is very similar.
4
SPEAKER_03
Being halfway between that island and the barge I jumped off of and just going like, yeah, well, I can t swim to either of those points.
4
SPEAKER_03
I don t have enough energy left.
4
SPEAKER_03
But in a weird way, I m super grateful to have had that experience.
4
SPEAKER_03
Do you feel that way?
4
SPEAKER_03
Like, I feel like people should have that.
4
SPEAKER_01
No, because a lot of people die.
4
SPEAKER_02
This has happened twice though.
4
SPEAKER_02
I one time when I lived in Hawaii, I was out swimming with the dolphins.
4
SPEAKER_02
Perfect day.
4
SPEAKER_02
The humpbacks are just there.
4
SPEAKER_02
I can totally see them.
4
SPEAKER_02
Pictorial fins waving.
4
SPEAKER_02
Tried to go farther out.
4
SPEAKER_02
And yeah, I had a really long, tough bout trying to get back.
4
SPEAKER_03
Where you keep like getting on your back.
4
SPEAKER_03
You re like, well, the only way I ll make it is if I float on my back and paddle, but then you can t see where you re going.
4
SPEAKER_03
You get off course.
4
SPEAKER_01
Just no more oceans.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, so I don t fuck with the ocean anymore.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, smart.
4
SPEAKER_02
That was strike two.
4
SPEAKER_02
Strike three, I m done.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
I just don t want to ever get on a cruise ship and get knocked off.
4
SPEAKER_03
I think about that every time I ve been on a cruise ship.
4
SPEAKER_03
You re out at night looking at the stars, it s beautiful, but then you start looking at the churning water, and it s black, and you re like, oh my God, and it takes the boat five miles to turn around.
4
SPEAKER_03
That s kind of terrifying.
4
SPEAKER_03
Well, Eric, I m really glad you made it.
4
SPEAKER_03
I actually am more curious.
4
SPEAKER_03
So that was 17 years ago.
4
SPEAKER_03
So that boy s 32.
4
SPEAKER_03
Oh my God.
4
SPEAKER_03
I wonder if he took over the family business.
4
SPEAKER_01
Maybe he ll call in for a prompt at some point.
4
SPEAKER_02
I was an idiot kid.
4
SPEAKER_02
So no judgment.
4
SPEAKER_02
And also I was an idiot 27 year old.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
Well, it s very nice meeting you and hearing that story.
4
SPEAKER_02
I just have to say you re obviously at the top of the game and what you do for me, it s like, how can I be a better human?
4
SPEAKER_02
Your honesty, your love, your truth, your banter, everything.
4
SPEAKER_02
You guys bring so much joy to my life and I know so many other people.
4
SPEAKER_02
So thank you guys.
4
SPEAKER_01
Thank you.
4
SPEAKER_02
Thank you, Eric.
4
SPEAKER_02
Well, it s so nice meeting you.
4
SPEAKER_03
You re every bit of every armchair.
4
SPEAKER_03
You re super smart.
4
SPEAKER_01
We re grateful for you.
4
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, big time.
4
SPEAKER_03
Back at ya.
4
SPEAKER_03
All right, be well.
4
SPEAKER_01
Bye.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m so glad he didn t drown before he listened to us.
4
SPEAKER_03
Me too.
4
SPEAKER_01
We could have had one less armchair.
4
SPEAKER_01
One less downbar.
4
SPEAKER_03
We need him.
4
SPEAKER_01
We love him.
4
SPEAKER_01
Okay, seriously though, I m saying it and I mean it, I m never getting in an ocean.
4
SPEAKER_03
Oh, wow.
4
SPEAKER_01
Because I already hate it and I already have spidey senses.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s not good for me.
4
SPEAKER_01
But we ve had so many bad stories.
4
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_03
The ocean s a bit unpredictable.
4
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
I prefer my unpredictable.
4
SPEAKER_03
On terra firma.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
In my friends.
4
SPEAKER_03
Oh, OK.
4
SPEAKER_03
In your connections group.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_03
Here s Riley.
4
SPEAKER_00
Hello.
4
SPEAKER_03
Hi Riley.
4
SPEAKER_03
What is your sweatshirt?
4
SPEAKER_03
Say camp something.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
It says the camp store, Carlsbad.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m from San Diego.
4
SPEAKER_00
So we go camping in Carlsbad every year.
4
SPEAKER_03
Are there caves or caverns or something?
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, there are, but we camp right on the Carlsbad state beach and I got it because it looks like Padres colors.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh wow.
4
SPEAKER_03
It s a cool sweatshirt.
4
SPEAKER_01
Your voice sounds like somebody and I can t place it.
4
SPEAKER_03
Well, give me some time.
4
SPEAKER_03
I ll work on it.
4
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_03
Where are you at currently?
4
SPEAKER_00
Currently?
4
SPEAKER_00
I m actually in a place called Jersey channel islands, which is in between England and France.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s 11, 20 PM where I m at.
4
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
4
SPEAKER_00
In my head, when I imagined this moment, I was never in a hotel in Jersey, but my dad s from here.
4
SPEAKER_00
So like all my family lives here.
4
SPEAKER_00
So I m just out here visiting family.
4
SPEAKER_03
Oh, fun.
4
SPEAKER_03
And is it owned by France or England?
4
SPEAKER_00
England, but it s actually closer to France.
4
SPEAKER_03
Interesting.
4
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_03
You have a cautionary tale.
4
SPEAKER_00
My cautionary tales is set in 2019.
4
SPEAKER_00
I was a sophomore in college at San Diego state.
4
SPEAKER_00
Like I said, I m from San Diego.
4
SPEAKER_00
So I was working at a brewery next to my house where my parents lived.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I was kind of on like, um, health care could not feeling so great after two years of college partying.
4
SPEAKER_00
I was trying to be more active, going to spin class, going to
4
SPEAKER_00
yoga, drinking kombucha, like on a health wave.
4
SPEAKER_00
So every day I d come into work and I d bring a kombucha with me.
4
SPEAKER_00
I had this one coworker who took special interest in me.
4
SPEAKER_00
I was not reciprocating, but he was nice.
4
SPEAKER_00
And one day he came into work and was like, I brought you something.
4
SPEAKER_00
And he was like, it s a kombucha.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I m like,
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, that s awfully observant of you.
4
SPEAKER_00
Thanks.
4
SPEAKER_00
I ll take it.
4
SPEAKER_00
Even though I didn t really want to take it, mostly because it was watermelon, which is not a flavor I enjoy.
4
SPEAKER_00
But I was like, whatever.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m just going to take it to avoid the awkwardness.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I also just felt awkward.
4
SPEAKER_00
I d rather just do my job.
4
SPEAKER_00
Take your nice gesture and move on.
4
SPEAKER_00
But I didn t want to drink it because I just don t like the flavor.
4
SPEAKER_00
So I put it in my car, forgot about it.
4
SPEAKER_00
Fast forward like two weeks, I m driving over from spin class, life s good.
4
SPEAKER_00
I get home and I m like, I m going to clean out my car.
4
SPEAKER_00
I was cleaning everything out, grabbing everything I possibly could in my hands.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I see the kombucha bottle underneath my seat and I m refusing to take two trips.
4
SPEAKER_03
Yes, of course.
4
SPEAKER_01
Cautionary tale already.
4
SPEAKER_03
Cautionary tale number one.
4
SPEAKER_03
Take two trips.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m putting everything in my arms.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m carrying it all.
4
SPEAKER_00
And as I m walking into my garage, I can hear my phone s calling somebody.
4
SPEAKER_04
Oh boy.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I m like, what?
4
SPEAKER_00
So I m trying to fumble around, trying to turn off the phone because I don t know who I m calling.
4
SPEAKER_00
Can t see it.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I can feel the kombucha slip out from underneath my armpit.
5
SPEAKER_00
It hits the ground, it makes the loudest sound, like I can hear it in my head to this day, and it explodes into like a billion pieces.
5
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, because the pressure in those things build up, right?
5
SPEAKER_02
As it ferments, it s releasing gas and getting pressurized.
5
SPEAKER_00
Right.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s been in my car for like a couple hot weeks.
5
SPEAKER_02
Bumpy bumpy, swervy swervy, shaky shaky.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s been ready to go.
5
SPEAKER_00
So it explodes into like a billion pieces.
5
SPEAKER_00
It makes the loudest noise.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m like, what the hell?
5
SPEAKER_00
I look down and there is a hole in my leg.
5
SPEAKER_02
Were you wearing shorts?
5
SPEAKER_02
Oh, cause you re coming from spin class.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m in my spin outfit.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m like, oh my God.
5
SPEAKER_00
And meanwhile, my best friend, I can hear her voice going, hello, Riley, Riley, are you good?
5
SPEAKER_00
If I would ve just let the phone call go, that wouldn t happen.
5
SPEAKER_00
I see the hole in my leg.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m like, okay, what the hell?
5
SPEAKER_00
So I get on the ground.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m in like a very interesting position on all fours, but with my leg kind of like propped up.
5
SPEAKER_02
Interesting choice to observe your leg, but I understand that s what happened.
5
SPEAKER_00
It was like right here on my leg.
5
SPEAKER_00
Above ankle.
5
SPEAKER_02
Gap between ankle and calf in back.
5
SPEAKER_00
So I m like looking into my leg.
5
SPEAKER_00
There s no blood, just a big hole like this big.
5
SPEAKER_00
What?
5
SPEAKER_00
No.
5
SPEAKER_02
She s putting up the size of a silver dollar.
5
SPEAKER_00
The second I start to sit down, blood is rushing out like all over.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m wearing a sock.
5
SPEAKER_00
It fills the sock and I m like, okay, shit.
5
SPEAKER_00
Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.
5
SPEAKER_00
Going back up.
5
SPEAKER_00
So I call my mom like, hey, I ve dropped something.
5
SPEAKER_00
I ve cut myself and we re probably going to need to go to urgent care.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m fine.
5
SPEAKER_00
Everything s fine, but it s pretty bad.
5
SPEAKER_00
And can you come home?
5
SPEAKER_00
She s like, Riley, I m in line in the grocery store.
5
SPEAKER_00
Can I check out with my stuff first?
5
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, this would be me.
5
SPEAKER_02
And by the way, this is a family tradition because she too can t deviate from this.
5
SPEAKER_02
Like making two trips for her would be, you know, right.
5
SPEAKER_01
What if she dropped all her groceries and then she also got a hole in her leg?
5
SPEAKER_02
amputated her and then she called their father.
5
SPEAKER_02
He lost his sternum.
5
SPEAKER_00
So she s like, okay, fine.
5
SPEAKER_00
I ll come right now.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m like, yeah, please just come.
5
SPEAKER_00
A work shirt was something that was in my pile of my arms.
5
SPEAKER_00
So I take the work shirt.
5
SPEAKER_00
I like tie it as tight as I can around my ankle.
5
SPEAKER_02
Great.
5
SPEAKER_00
So I m just waiting, feels like 45 minutes, but it was probably like five.
5
SPEAKER_00
She was not very far away.
5
SPEAKER_00
She gets there.
5
SPEAKER_00
She s like, okay, let me see.
5
SPEAKER_00
So I unravel and I show her, she s like, I m calling 911.
5
SPEAKER_00
Monica, I m sure you d appreciate that.
5
SPEAKER_01
I love her.
5
SPEAKER_01
Cut to the chain.
5
SPEAKER_02
You guys love 911.
5
SPEAKER_02
Love it.
5
SPEAKER_01
Knock on wood, knock on wood.
5
SPEAKER_00
That might sound like a little bit silly, but there was glass literally everywhere.
5
SPEAKER_00
We didn t know what was in there, what had happened.
5
SPEAKER_00
We didn t want to cause any more damage.
5
SPEAKER_00
If we tried to move me, let s just call 911.
5
SPEAKER_00
They get there.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m still just kind of being like, what the hell?
5
SPEAKER_00
They wrap me up.
5
SPEAKER_00
They put me in the ambulance.
5
SPEAKER_00
They take me to the emergency room.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I m sitting there and I m crying finally.
5
SPEAKER_00
And they re like, oh, are you in pain?
5
SPEAKER_00
And I m like, honestly, I m not in pain.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m just so frustrated.
5
SPEAKER_02
mad at yourself?
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, like now I m gonna have to get stitches.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m not gonna be able to like go to my workout classes.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m not gonna be able to be active.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m gonna have to prolong my health journey for like another two weeks.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m just annoyed.
5
SPEAKER_00
This is so avoidable.
5
SPEAKER_00
I get to the hospital and after a while they come and they re like, we re gonna clean it out.
5
SPEAKER_00
And they stick like a bottle inside of my leg and just squeeze as hard as they possibly can.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I started screaming, I m like, okay, that hurts, that hurts, that hurts.
5
SPEAKER_00
And they re like, oh, do you want us to numb it first?
5
SPEAKER_00
I m like, that was an option?
5
SPEAKER_00
Yes, I would like you to numb it first.
5
SPEAKER_00
And so they numb it, they stitch me up.
5
SPEAKER_00
They re like, okay, you re good to go.
5
SPEAKER_00
Just stay off of it for like two weeks.
5
SPEAKER_00
And they re like, hold on, we should maybe check your Achilles, because it s kind of like right over your tendon.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m like, okay, yeah, go ahead.
5
SPEAKER_00
They have me lie down on my stomach and they squeeze my calf, because that s how you can manually check your Achilles, your foot will move.
5
SPEAKER_00
They squeezed my calf, blinding pain, foot not moving.
5
SPEAKER_02
Oh boy.
5
SPEAKER_02
It severed your Achilles?
5
SPEAKER_02
No!
5
SPEAKER_02
This is Greek all of a sudden.
5
SPEAKER_00
Icarus.
5
SPEAKER_00
And they re like, you might have a little bit of a tear, might have a little damage.
5
SPEAKER_00
You should just follow up with ortho.
5
SPEAKER_00
And in my head, I m still thinking like, it can t be that bad.
5
SPEAKER_00
We go meet with another doctor the next day and he s like, yeah, if it s not hanging on by a fiber, I say it s completely cut.
5
SPEAKER_02
Really quick, when they got in there and they flushed it out and then they stitched it, did they find a big chunk of glass?
5
SPEAKER_01
No.
5
SPEAKER_01
And did they find the watermelon scoby in there?
5
SPEAKER_00
They found nothing.
5
SPEAKER_00
They even did an x-ray to make sure that there wasn t anything in there before they stitched it up.
5
SPEAKER_00
He was like, yeah, I m going to have you meet with a surgeon because they re going to need to repair it.
5
SPEAKER_00
So I meet with the surgeon.
5
SPEAKER_00
He s telling me very nonchalantly, right, you re not going to walk for a year.
5
SPEAKER_00
That health journey is just getting pushed farther and farther in the distance.
5
SPEAKER_02
It d be like if you re still alive, your health s going to decline so rapidly.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
So he s like a full year for full recovery.
5
SPEAKER_00
I ll put you in a series of tasks.
5
SPEAKER_00
Those fibers will naturally grow back together so we can actually avoid surgery.
5
SPEAKER_00
Then we ll put you in a boot with ankle lifts so that we ll gradually put it down.
5
SPEAKER_00
And then we ll get you walking and physical therapy and all the works.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I m like, how did this just happen?
5
SPEAKER_00
I can t believe I d done this to myself.
5
SPEAKER_00
He didn t believe me when I told him the story.
5
SPEAKER_00
He was like, just so you know, this is a one in a million chance.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m like, wow, I m so lucky.
5
SPEAKER_00
He tells me all that.
5
SPEAKER_00
He s like, we re going to get an MRI just to make sure.
5
SPEAKER_00
So I get home after doing my MRI and he calls me and he s like, there s a four centimeter gap in your Achilles.
5
SPEAKER_00
And it was much lower than normal because it was a slash, not a tear.
5
SPEAKER_00
So he s like, this is going to be the biggest incision that I do as an orthopedic doctor for feet and ankles.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I m going to go all the way up to the back of your knee from your heel.
5
SPEAKER_00
What?
5
SPEAKER_02
This guy s a Frankenstein.
5
SPEAKER_00
Right, he s like, I m going to have to get creative.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m going to be honest, I m not sure what we re going to do.
5
SPEAKER_00
Wait, they should never say that.
5
SPEAKER_01
They should never say that.
5
SPEAKER_02
He basically said, I m going to wing it.
5
SPEAKER_01
Cautionary tale number three, don t tell people that.
5
SPEAKER_02
Well, when your doctor says he s going to wing it, second opinion time.
5
SPEAKER_00
So he s like, when I get in there, there s a couple of options.
5
SPEAKER_00
I could shave a piece of your calf tendon and then sew it to the starting gap and then nail it into your heel.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I m like, I m going to be honest, I don t even want to know.
5
SPEAKER_00
Whatever you got to do, just do it.
5
SPEAKER_00
My mom did ask a friend who was a doctor, should we get a second opinion?
5
SPEAKER_00
And she was like, honestly, he s the best in the business.
5
SPEAKER_00
If he s saying this, this is what s happening.
5
SPEAKER_00
So just go for it and get it done as soon as possible.
5
SPEAKER_00
So I go into surgery and my parents get a call like an hour and a half later.
5
SPEAKER_00
They were expecting the surgery to be like six hours.
5
SPEAKER_00
And my mom s thinking like, oh my God, she s dead.
5
SPEAKER_00
She s freaking out.
5
SPEAKER_00
And he s like, when we got in there, it was just coiled up.
5
SPEAKER_00
When they cut it, it was like a rubber band and just sprung up and coiled up.
5
SPEAKER_00
He could just unravel it and reattached it.
5
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
5
SPEAKER_00
So could you walk in less than a year?
5
SPEAKER_00
I could, but I had a gnarly limp and I still kind of have a limp to this day, but I think that was just kind of like the nature of
5
SPEAKER_00
the injury being so awkwardly placed.
5
SPEAKER_00
I have a very funky scar, like usually Achilles surgeries are straight.
5
SPEAKER_00
Mine s shaped like an S because it was going along the site of the laceration.
5
SPEAKER_02
That s his creativity, yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
That s his signature.
5
SPEAKER_00
So yeah, whether the cautionary tale be not to accept a gift from somebody you don t want to, take more than one trip to the car, or to always carry a kombucha bottle with two hands.
5
SPEAKER_02
There s a lot of lessons in here.
5
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
5
SPEAKER_02
The one I m most drawn to because I constantly do this
5
SPEAKER_02
And I even admit to myself at a certain point, it s taking me way more time to stack this stuff on my arms in this manner.
5
SPEAKER_02
And you realize you ve passed the point of no return in the middle of it.
5
SPEAKER_02
You re like, yeah, I would be done by now if I would have just taken two trips.
5
SPEAKER_02
I m the most disappointed in myself when I do that.
5
SPEAKER_00
Imagine how I felt.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_02
I mean, the laziness of us.
5
SPEAKER_01
It s not lazy.
5
SPEAKER_01
We think we re being efficient.
5
SPEAKER_01
We think we re not being lazy.
5
SPEAKER_01
We think it s like, this is the smartest, fastest way to get this thing done.
5
SPEAKER_02
Plus I can t bear to take a second trip.
5
SPEAKER_00
Every time I pass a kombucha at the store, or if my friends see one, they ll send me a picture and they ll be like, watch out.
5
SPEAKER_00
They have those big, giant ones now.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m like, that s my worst nightmare.
5
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, it d break your femur.
5
SPEAKER_02
Have you heard the show enough to know who Perfect 10 Charlie is?
5
SPEAKER_00
I listen to this show religiously, and I haven t told anybody that I m on this show because they know how much this show means to me.
5
SPEAKER_00
And so I m just going to be like, I tell you guys to listen to this all the time.
5
SPEAKER_00
Please listen to this episode.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s so good.
5
SPEAKER_00
Oh, that s exciting.
5
SPEAKER_02
This is a great plan.
5
SPEAKER_02
Also, now we ve transitioned from cautionary tale to advice.
5
SPEAKER_02
This is an advisable strategy.
5
SPEAKER_02
What is?
5
SPEAKER_02
That she s just going to trick everyone into hearing it.
5
SPEAKER_01
Oh, sure.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
I like this.
5
SPEAKER_02
Did you get the voice?
5
SPEAKER_02
I think I have it.
5
SPEAKER_02
Oh, who?
5
SPEAKER_02
Jennifer Lawrence.
5
SPEAKER_01
It s not doing what I wanted it to do, but I never figured it out for me either.
5
SPEAKER_02
I got distracted by your story to be honest.
5
SPEAKER_02
I know I had declared I was going to figure it out, but then I completely stopped thinking about that.
5
SPEAKER_01
I did start thinking about something else, which is you kind of do look like what Lincoln will look like.
5
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
5
SPEAKER_01
I can see.
5
SPEAKER_01
Can you see that?
5
SPEAKER_02
She looks identical to Seth s wife, Claire, too.
5
SPEAKER_02
You ve got a lot going on.
5
SPEAKER_01
You have a lot.
5
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
5
SPEAKER_01
Well, anyway.
5
SPEAKER_02
So Burbickton Charlie, he snapped his.
5
SPEAKER_02
He was humiliated by how it happened.
5
SPEAKER_02
He was doing virtually nothing and he s a professional bodybuilder.
5
SPEAKER_02
And yeah, his snap.
5
SPEAKER_02
But he didn t get surgery.
5
SPEAKER_02
And same thing, a year of just barely limping around and waiting.
5
SPEAKER_02
He just now can like hike and everything.
5
SPEAKER_02
It s such a bummer of an injury.
6
SPEAKER_01
It was the worst, especially because I wish I was doing something athletic or something cool or like anything else besides a freak accident.
6
SPEAKER_01
That was absolutely unnecessary, but you know, it is what it is.
6
SPEAKER_01
It s a part of my many collections of stories and I m here now worth it.
6
SPEAKER_03
Not really, but kind of this past, I was really listening.
6
SPEAKER_03
It is very specific and there is someone who you sound identical to.
6
SPEAKER_03
No one ever tells you anything.
6
SPEAKER_01
Sometimes people will say that I look like people, but never the voice.
6
SPEAKER_03
Who do they say you look like?
6
SPEAKER_00
Lincoln when she gets older.
6
SPEAKER_03
Lincoln in 2036.
6
SPEAKER_01
My hair growing up was blonde.
6
SPEAKER_01
People always told me I looked like Scarlett Johansson and then I dyed my hair red and then I became black widow.
6
SPEAKER_01
So still Scarlett.
6
SPEAKER_01
I ll take it.
6
SPEAKER_03
If I listen to this episode without looking at her, I ll be able to get it.
6
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
6
SPEAKER_01
We ll get back to you.
6
SPEAKER_03
TBD.
6
SPEAKER_01
I would love to know.
6
SPEAKER_03
Oh, I guess my last single question is if you ever found yourself trying to take one trip again and then been like, you fucking asshole, you already learned this lesson.
6
SPEAKER_01
all the time.
6
SPEAKER_03
Still do it.
6
SPEAKER_01
And every time I m holding any kind of bottle, it s always two hands.
6
SPEAKER_03
Miley Cyrus.
6
SPEAKER_03
Oh yeah, that s it.
6
SPEAKER_03
That s good.
6
SPEAKER_01
That s it.
6
SPEAKER_01
I think that is it.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yep.
6
SPEAKER_01
Oh my God, that s the huge one.
6
SPEAKER_01
That is it.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
6
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
6
SPEAKER_01
Oh my God.
6
SPEAKER_01
I m shocked you did that.
6
SPEAKER_01
She s the best person you could have said.
6
SPEAKER_02
Oh, I love her.
6
SPEAKER_01
I love her.
6
SPEAKER_01
Like, I am like the product of the Hannah Montana era.
6
SPEAKER_01
That is my shit.
6
SPEAKER_01
So I ve been with her through all the eras, all the things.
6
SPEAKER_01
She s my favorite.
6
SPEAKER_00
And you kind of look like her, too.
6
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_00
Like, it s the whole thing.
6
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
6
SPEAKER_00
Good job.
6
SPEAKER_03
Boy, I m glad I got that.
6
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, that was exciting.
6
SPEAKER_01
That was really exciting.
6
SPEAKER_01
That was not what I was expecting.
6
SPEAKER_03
What a pop out.
6
SPEAKER_01
Riley, Miley.
6
SPEAKER_01
Oh my God.
6
SPEAKER_03
What if your last name was Montana?
6
SPEAKER_00
This feels like a rip in the space time.
6
SPEAKER_03
Or virus, Riley virus.
6
SPEAKER_00
This is really turning into something.
6
SPEAKER_03
I know, it s very Sims happening.
6
SPEAKER_03
Okay, Riley, so glad we went long so we could figure that out, that mystery.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yes, thank you.
6
SPEAKER_01
Me too.
6
SPEAKER_01
Last thing I wanted to say was my mom and I, we love you as Carl and baby mama.
6
SPEAKER_03
Oh, thank you, Carl Loomis.
6
SPEAKER_01
My dad passed away like four years ago, and we went through a period where my mom and I would only watch rom-coms before bed just to kind of soothe the soul, and baby mama was on rotation, so thank you for that.
6
SPEAKER_03
That s Amy and Tina s compliment, but I appreciate it.
6
SPEAKER_01
You re a huge part of it.
6
SPEAKER_03
Thank you so much.
6
SPEAKER_03
Great meeting you.
6
SPEAKER_03
Love your voice.
6
SPEAKER_03
Keep on rocking in the free world.
6
SPEAKER_01
Thank you.
6
SPEAKER_03
All right.
6
SPEAKER_03
Take care.
6
SPEAKER_03
Carl Loomis.
6
SPEAKER_03
I don t get a lot of shout outs for Carl Loomis.
6
SPEAKER_00
It s a funny character.
6
SPEAKER_03
It was very fun.
6
SPEAKER_03
New York in the springtime.
6
SPEAKER_00
Um, okay.
6
SPEAKER_00
Cautionary tale.
6
SPEAKER_00
Those were really good.
6
SPEAKER_00
I learned a lot.
6
SPEAKER_00
No oceans, no teeth brushing.
6
SPEAKER_00
No one trip.
6
SPEAKER_00
Always two trips.
6
SPEAKER_03
I didn t learn that, but I needed to hear that back to my thing.
6
SPEAKER_03
I didn t learn anything cause I m.
6
SPEAKER_00
You re resistant to learning.
6
SPEAKER_03
Resistant to learning.
6
SPEAKER_03
What a terrible character.
6
SPEAKER_00
Seems like everyone in the world is resistant to learning.
6
SPEAKER_00
They ve all done these things many, many times.
6
SPEAKER_03
It s true.
6
SPEAKER_00
That makes me a little depressed.
6
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, we re forgetful.
6
SPEAKER_00
As Rami says.
6
SPEAKER_03
Yes, the Arabic word for human is forgetful.
6
SPEAKER_00
I think he has a new special that s supposed to be good.
6
SPEAKER_00
He does.
6
SPEAKER_00
I want to see it.
6
SPEAKER_03
I saw a guy hiking.
6
SPEAKER_03
I think I was hiking with my hiking buddy, Jake Johnson.
6
SPEAKER_03
And I saw Rami walking at us down the street.
6
SPEAKER_00
They say hi.
6
SPEAKER_03
And I was like, oh my god, what s up?
6
SPEAKER_03
Not Rami.
6
SPEAKER_03
A guy that looked just like Rami.
6
SPEAKER_00
Cautionary tale.
6
SPEAKER_03
And when I called him out and stopped him.
6
SPEAKER_00
Did you say Rami or did you say hey?
6
SPEAKER_03
I go Rami.
6
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, yeah.
6
SPEAKER_03
No, I told him.
6
SPEAKER_03
Oh my God, dude, I thought you were Rami Youssef.
6
SPEAKER_03
He was fine because we re both on TV, the guys that stopped him.
6
SPEAKER_03
So we get a little pass for that.
6
SPEAKER_00
That s not fair.
6
SPEAKER_03
I know it s not, but I ll take it.
6
SPEAKER_00
Okay, well if we re doing cautionary tales, don t do that and you won t get a pass because you re probably not famous.
6
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
6
SPEAKER_03
But he wasn t offended because Rami s cute.
6
SPEAKER_03
Of course.
6
SPEAKER_00
Well, you wouldn t be offended, but you d be like, oh man, I wish I was Rami.
6
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
6
SPEAKER_00
Well, we learned a lot and nothing.
6
SPEAKER_03
Knocked on wood.
6
SPEAKER_00
Knocked on wood.
6
SPEAKER_00
And I love you.
6
SPEAKER_03
I love you too.
6
SPEAKER_02
Do you wanna sing a tune or something?
6
SPEAKER_02
Or a theme song?
6
SPEAKER_02
Oh.
6
SPEAKER_02
Okay, great.
6
SPEAKER_02
We don t have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go.
6
SPEAKER_02
We re gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of farm cherries, we ll get some suggestions.
6
SPEAKER_02
On the fly, rhyme-ish.