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SPEAKER_03
Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.
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I m Buck Rogers and I m joined by Starship Captain Monica Padman.
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Hello there.
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This is, in keeping with all the other episodes, this is something, I don t have that.
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SPEAKER_01
What are you gonna say?
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Something go wrong.
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SPEAKER_01
You can listen to this.
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SPEAKER_03
These are all about things that go wrong.
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This show s about times that things went wrong.
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Pretty much.
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Well, not always.
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We ve had some.
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Victory stories.
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And in this case, this kind of is.
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Well, this is both, right?
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SPEAKER_01
It s both.
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SPEAKER_01
It goes right.
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It s both.
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Something went wrong for you, but somebody swooped in.
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SPEAKER_03
Yes, and enough flirting around in foreplay.
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Let s tell you what it is.
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This is an episode where someone took the fall for our guest.
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SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_03
Yeah, so someone has taken the fall.
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Why is this concept eluding me to describe?
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SPEAKER_01
I don t know why.
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Because I don t want you to think the caller took the fall for somebody.
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In fact.
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You ll know when you hear it.
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SPEAKER_03
Within seconds of listening, it ll be crystal clear what this is.
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Someone took the fall for you.
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SPEAKER_03
Yeah, for you.
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SPEAKER_03
Informal.
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Please enjoy.
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Lowercase.
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Took the fall.
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Hard times, come and go.
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Good times, take them slow.
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My life, I had them both.
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But one thing you gotta know, I ma keep on shining.
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SPEAKER_03
Okay, Maggie, show me what you got, little mama.
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Show me what you got, little shorty.
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Go ahead and play, and play.
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SPEAKER_03
Hi.
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SPEAKER_03
Maggie, you look very much like a very young Drew Barrymore.
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Wow, high praise, thank you.
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Yeah, would you agree with that assessment, Monica?
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I wouldn t have thought it, but I don t disagree.
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Okay, who do you get told you look like?
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SPEAKER_03
Also, maybe Kate Winslet.
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They re coming in hot and fast now.
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SPEAKER_01
You look like my friend Hillary.
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SPEAKER_03
You look like Hillary, too.
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The person that I ve gotten, and I unfortunately cannot remember her name, but she is the lady in Handmaid s Tale.
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Elizabeth Moss!
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I can totally see that.
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I can totally see that.
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Well, I know why, because you have just the tiniest hint of rabbit teeth.
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Yeah, it s so cute.
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And I say that with great affection, because my youngest has rabbit teeth.
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Proud of it.
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You know, it s like a thing that men are attracted to rabbit teeth.
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SPEAKER_03
Oh, it s a fetish?
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SPEAKER_01
No, it s like how people are attracted to symmetrical faces.
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SPEAKER_01
Oh.
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They re attracted to that type of.
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Rabbit teeth.
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SPEAKER_03
Rabbit teeth, yeah.
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SPEAKER_03
Oh, wow.
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So congrats.
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Have you heard this, Maggie?
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No, but I think that there probably is a little fetish for everything.
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Well, sure.
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Sure.
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Yeah, I m hoping someone has a fetish for missing knuckles.
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That s my gray.
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Earwax.
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Okay, Maggie, you took the fall for somebody.
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Somebody took the fall for me.
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Oh, even better.
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I think that was the prompt.
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SPEAKER_01
Was that the prompt?
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Yeah, because we were like, don t brag about yourself.
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Oh my God, you re right.
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Tell us about a time someone took the fall for you.
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SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
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So to set the scene, this story takes place when I was somewhere in the era of sixth, seventh grade.
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Okay.
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Hot time to be alive.
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At the time, it was my parents and I and my brother that were living in our home.
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And I would get off the school bus, I d go home, sometimes parents were there, sometimes they weren t.
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But this kind of era of my life, I found a real fixation with porn.
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My middle school porn era.
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Can you tell us how you discovered it?
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Would love to.
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I was really dying for somebody to talk to me about sex and didn t have access to that in our family.
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Lived in a pretty conservative area that wasn t really talking about sex or sexual wellness.
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SPEAKER_03
What state were you in Connecticut?
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Okay.
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SPEAKER_01
Oh, very bougie.
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Oh, well, that s a compliment, but it comes with some uptightness.
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We all feel the same way about it.
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I one day just decided to go on to our family s singular shared desktop, go down into the basement, open up Google and said, watch sex.
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Oh, okay, great.
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Very literal search.
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This wonderful word, P-O-R-N, just popped up everywhere.
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And I was like, I guess that s what watching sex is.
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So I became fixated on Googling watch sex and find whatever the internet would give me.
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SPEAKER_02
Wow.
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SPEAKER_03
And can I ask, was your reaction to it like scientific in curiosity or was it making you horny?
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I hadn t discovered masturbation at that point in my life.
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So I was just like wide-eyed and stoking it in.
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Can you tell us what year this was-ish?
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Probably like 04.
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Okay, so there s a lot of options.
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The internet is proliferated with lots of content.
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Yeah, it was amazing.
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I really found myself in this era.
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But you didn t masturbate.
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It s so interesting.
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So you d be just watching it and watching it.
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It d be simmering and simmering.
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Exactly.
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I would be on the school bus, riding home, thinking about what are we going to find today?
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Oh, wow.
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I would be staying up late thinking about what am I going to find tonight?
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SPEAKER_02
Oh, wow.
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This is exciting.
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It was exhilarating.
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And having the little flair of it being the shared family desktop just added a little oomph to it.
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Okay, so you were aware that this was a bit high risk.
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to some degree, also wonderfully naive, which brings us to where things start getting iffy.
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So I find myself totally enthralled in porn, and then the world of chat rooms and subscriptions start opening up.
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SPEAKER_03
Okay, sure, sure.
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And what I knew was that I had to be a teen in order to really be entering these sites.
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So what I would do in this kind of sixth grade, seventh grade mindset is that I was going to lie to get access, but I knew I needed to protect myself to some degree.
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So instead of saying Maggie with my last name, I had the bright idea of just changing one letter and being Maddie.
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And you needed an email
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but I didn t have an email in middle school, so I used my mom s.
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SPEAKER_03
Oh!
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Okay, big tactical blunder here.
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And you kept your last name?
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Sure did.
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Yeah, yeah.
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Well, she changes it to Maddie.
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I mean, totally safe.
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It s so different.
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I was a different person.
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This is Maddie now we re talking to.
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Oh, boy.
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So I would put in my new first name, my last name, my mom s email address.
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I d make up a random birthday.
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And I was off to the races.
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A whole new level opened itself up.
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And were you participating?
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Were you like talking dirty?
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What happens?
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I was a quiet observer.
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An anthropologist.
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SPEAKER_02
Exactly.
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I was doing my research on human behavior.
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SPEAKER_02
Wow.
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SPEAKER_03
Okay.
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This continues for months.
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I would sneak down into the basement, turn the volume off, type in porn because I was learning more.
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I didn t have to say watch sex anymore.
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SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
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Until one day I got off the bus, nobody was home, I go downstairs to the basement, I type in porn, and then suddenly I m getting inundated by what felt like to be hundreds of pop-up windows attacking the screen.
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This was so standard in 2004.
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Virus.
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SPEAKER_03
This was before they had a block pop-up windows option on your browser.
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There was no incognito that I knew of.
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It was amateur hour.
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And I got totally stuck.
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I couldn t get myself to X out of any of the windows.
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And I knew that the clock was ticking, that my family would be coming home from work, my brother would be coming home from sports.
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I was starting to sweat.
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And then I had this idea that I
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was gonna call my dad.
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So I pick up the phone, I dial his work number, and I said, Dad, I ve come home from school, I wanted to play on the computer, and there s this word, P-O-R-N, all over the desktop.
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Okay.
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And my dad was like, sweetheart, I know exactly what happened, don t worry about it.
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Can I ask really quickly, how old is your brother?
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He is in high school at this point.
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Perfect fall guy.
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He s a fucking pervert.
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All these high school boys are.
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Okay.
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So I had some comfort that my dad was going to somehow find a solution.
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Of course, in the back of my mind, I m like, I just want to make sure I m going to be able to watch porn again.
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SPEAKER_03
Oh wow.
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So this wasn t even like, I m done.
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This was a speed bump.
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I waited kind of patiently for my parents to come home.
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We had our family dinner, nothing was being addressed.
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And then my parents went into the formal living room, which was purely just kind of used for parties or when somebody was in trouble.
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And there was a wingback chair in there that we all called the trouble chair.
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You d have to sit in it like a throne of shame.
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Oh, so Connecticut.
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SPEAKER_02
Yeah, so Connecticut.
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My parents call in my brother.
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I watch him walk to the trouble chair.
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Oh.
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SPEAKER_02
Oh no!
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SPEAKER_02
Jared s getting attacked.
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My parents are going in on, how could you subject your sister to this?
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How could you be so irresponsible?
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Going in on like sexual health concerns.
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And he s sitting there and denying it.
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And he was like, I didn t do this.
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And they, every time he denies, they double down.
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you re a liar.
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SPEAKER_03
Oh, yeah.
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And then the next day, my dad asked if I want to run an errand with him.
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And
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He goes downstairs to the basement.
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He unplugs the family desktop, puts it into his car.
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We drive off to what was at that point, like the makeshift Apple store to fix the computer.
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My dad puts the clunky desktop up on the counter and the guy was like, all right, well, what s the problem?
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And he said, my son is addicted to porn and has fried the family computer.
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SPEAKER_01
No.
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SPEAKER_01
Oh my God.
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He went really far.
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SPEAKER_02
Jeez.
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Did they even know about porn addiction back then?
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He was sort of ahead of the game.
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Since then, my brother and I have never discussed the event.
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My parents have never spoken of it since.
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Not to much of my own surprise, I became a therapist and specialize in talking about sex with people.
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SPEAKER_02
Wow.
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SPEAKER_02
This is great.
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SPEAKER_03
Wow, wow, wow.
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And you ve never told them, even after becoming a therapist?
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I gladly let him take that from me.
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SPEAKER_03
I m going to make a couple suggestions.
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And I don t want to tinker with your story because it works perfectly, but
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Your brother was watching porn on that computer.
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I m sure.
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For sure.
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And I hate to say this, but dad might have been peeking at porn every now and again, too, on that computer.
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Well, that s what I thought when you called him.
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I thought maybe he was like, oh, shit, don t worry, because he knew he had done it.
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In reality, it was the least suspected one.
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Did the email address ever become an issue?
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I m glad you asked about that.
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At some point in middle school, I somehow got my mom s email address password.
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So I would go into her email and I would do my best to clear away all the porn spam.
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She would still say, like, she s getting spam.
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That s inappropriate.
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And she doesn t know how it happened.
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Right, but you were in there pruning, but you re right.
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You kind of see that stuff and you don t necessarily think, oh, this is because it s someone who s linked to my thing.
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SPEAKER_03
You re like, they email everybody.
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But they did have Natty.
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SPEAKER_03
Oh.
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But you wouldn t open it.
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So you might not ever see that because you d be afraid to open up the email.
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A girl can dream.
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I like to think mom was down there too, sniffing around a little bit.
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She could have been.
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The whole family in secret.
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Do you think your brother knew it was you?
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If he did, he would never say anything.
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Oh, that s nice.
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SPEAKER_03
I wonder what I would do.
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I d be so quick.
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That s Neil, he s a pervert.
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That was definitely Neil.
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He s a porn addict.
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SPEAKER_03
Okay, so now you re a therapist.
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You know, I m trying to imagine how I would deal with this.
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Like, let s say when my daughters are 12 and 13, they re super interested in this.
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What s obvious is I would not shame them or say this is bad, but then would I make efforts to prevent them from spending hours a day on it?
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SPEAKER_03
Probably.
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Where are you at on all this developmentally?
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SPEAKER_03
I feel like you re in a great position.
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SPEAKER_02
Well, I mean, developmentally, I think it s totally typical that kids are interested and young adults are interested about sex and porn and wanting to feel some connection.
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Would I wish if I could reverse time that we had like a really open, transparent conversation about what it was that I was curious about, what I was learning, questions left over.
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SPEAKER_03
Do you feel like you paid any price or was damaging in any way?
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SPEAKER_03
I think there is a big moral panic surrounding porn and I think there are porn addicts.
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SPEAKER_03
And then I also think there s probably a very healthy version of exploring your curiosities.
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I think that porn can teach people to be performative in a way that takes them out of their body and into their brain and not really experiencing what s happening in reality, but rather trying to replay something that you saw or you were taught in this way.
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So I think that that s an edge of porn that can get tricky.
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I mean, I also think that there s really interesting ways that it brings people into communities that aren t shameful and that they can access something that feels authentically pleasurable to them.
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SPEAKER_02
So if I were to do it again, I would still do it.
1
SPEAKER_03
Right.
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SPEAKER_03
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_03
There we go.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_03
Right.
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SPEAKER_03
Well, Megan, that was wonderful.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_01
Thank you.
1
SPEAKER_01
And thanks to your brother taking that fall.
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SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_03
Good boy.
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SPEAKER_03
Or not.
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SPEAKER_03
Maybe he was guilty and he just denied it.
1
SPEAKER_02
Maybe.
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SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_02
I m sure he was finding his own way around it.
1
SPEAKER_03
Megan, why are you in the computer?
1
SPEAKER_03
And don t you need to go over to Becky s house for two hours?
1
SPEAKER_03
I know.
1
SPEAKER_03
He s so mad.
1
SPEAKER_02
You re just on the computer all day.
1
SPEAKER_02
He s like, that s mine.
1
SPEAKER_03
Well, thank you so much for that story.
1
SPEAKER_03
That was great.
1
SPEAKER_02
Thanks guys.
1
SPEAKER_02
It was nice to meet you both.
1
SPEAKER_02
Take good care.
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SPEAKER_02
All right.
1
SPEAKER_02
Bye-bye.
1
SPEAKER_01
I like when people say, take good care.
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SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_01
I think my therapist says that.
1
SPEAKER_03
Really?
1
SPEAKER_01
It must be a therapy thing.
1
SPEAKER_03
Was that your therapist?
1
SPEAKER_01
I wasn t gonna say.
1
SPEAKER_03
Wouldn t that be insane if your therapist or mine had submitted, tell us about your worst patient.
1
SPEAKER_03
And then our own therapist.
1
SPEAKER_01
Or the worst story that your patient told you.
1
SPEAKER_03
Oh.
1
SPEAKER_01
Let s do that as a prompt.
1
SPEAKER_01
See what therapists give up their Hippocratic Oath.
1
SPEAKER_03
Violate their Hippocratic Oath.
1
SPEAKER_03
Hi, this is Daniel.
1
SPEAKER_00
Hey, yes it is.
1
SPEAKER_00
Nice to meet you both.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Nice to meet you.
1
SPEAKER_00
Where are you at?
1
SPEAKER_00
I m in Chicago, Illinois.
1
SPEAKER_03
Oh, Robbie, go ahead.
1
SPEAKER_03
What a place.
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SPEAKER_03
But wait, you got to ask specifically.
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SPEAKER_03
So you ll know we re in Chicago.
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SPEAKER_00
I m in the South side.
1
SPEAKER_00
Not too far from guaranteed rate for the White Sox play.
1
SPEAKER_03
Oh, so Daniel, you re calling us from Chicago.
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SPEAKER_03
Someone took the fall for you.
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SPEAKER_03
Yes, very much so.
1
SPEAKER_03
Very much so.
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SPEAKER_03
That s a good start.
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SPEAKER_01
Yeah, we like that.
1
SPEAKER_03
They re in prison currently.
1
SPEAKER_00
This story took place in 2008.
1
SPEAKER_00
I was working in Indiana at the time, not too far from Michigan.
1
SPEAKER_00
I was in my mid-20s, a bit of a bar rat, and my bar of choice was about 100 yards from where I lived.
1
SPEAKER_00
So that was pretty dangerous for me at the time.
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SPEAKER_00
And lucky.
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SPEAKER_00
This one particular Saturday night, I was at the bar drinking Beeman Diets, was my drink of choice back then.
1
SPEAKER_00
Good choice.
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SPEAKER_00
And I struck up a conversation with a nice young lady.
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SPEAKER_00
She seemed fairly interested.
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SPEAKER_00
That was big for me because I wasn t exactly killing it with the ladies back then.
1
SPEAKER_00
So we hit it off and we decided, well, you know what, rather than walk the
1
SPEAKER_00
a whole hundred yards back to my apartment, why don t we just sneak off to the cooler at this bar?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yes, wonderful.
1
SPEAKER_01
What s the cooler?
1
SPEAKER_01
Bathroom?
1
SPEAKER_03
Where they keep all the beer, the big walk-in fridge?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, so real classy.
1
SPEAKER_00
I spent all my free time in, this is basically like my rec room, this bar.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I knew all the bartenders, I knew all the cooks.
1
SPEAKER_00
Me and this young lady walked past the kitchen staff into the cooler.
1
SPEAKER_00
started to get to know each other.
1
SPEAKER_00
At one point, actually, a bartender walked in, saw us, and apologized and left.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, wow.
1
SPEAKER_01
You really were the king of the castle there.
1
SPEAKER_03
Good etiquette.
1
SPEAKER_03
This is the kind of bar I drank at in Michigan, by the way.
1
SPEAKER_03
A real classy establishment.
1
SPEAKER_00
Quickly into it, we both realized this wasn t very fun.
1
SPEAKER_00
Being surrounded by coolers and kegs and 40 degrees kind of took the romance out of it.
1
SPEAKER_00
We both kind of came to our wits and we re like, let s just leave it here and not take this any further.
1
SPEAKER_00
So we both leave the cooler and I sit back at the bar, of course, and proceed to drink the rest of the night.
1
SPEAKER_00
The bar was closed on Sunday.
1
SPEAKER_00
Monday at work, I get a frantic call from a bartender there who said,
1
SPEAKER_00
Hey, just so you know, the owner, we ll call him Bill, found a pair of women s underwear in the cooler.
1
SPEAKER_00
He s on the war path.
1
SPEAKER_00
He wants to know who s in the cooler.
1
SPEAKER_00
You know, obviously, you know, he s pretty upset.
1
SPEAKER_03
Well, hold on, Daniel.
1
SPEAKER_03
Not obviously to me.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, because it seems like you were allowed to, kind of.
1
SPEAKER_03
I mean, also like a bar owner in Indiana, a little hole in the wall bar, he finds some underwear.
1
SPEAKER_03
I think he might be in a good mood over it, but okay, I accept that he was upset.
1
SPEAKER_00
Considering the other things that went on in that bar, it was pretty tame in comparison.
1
SPEAKER_00
But Bill s on the war path and he wants to know who was up to these shenanigans.
1
SPEAKER_00
This was like an existential crisis for me because like I said, this was like my rec room.
1
SPEAKER_00
I spent five nights a week here.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I had heard that if he found out it was a customer, they were going to be banned from the bar.
1
SPEAKER_00
That was bad news for me.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I mustered up the courage that night, I m going to walk in and admit to my indiscretions.
1
SPEAKER_00
When I walk in, one of the bartenders, Joe, who I reached out to before this, said it was okay to tell the story.
1
SPEAKER_00
He said, hey, don t worry about it.
1
SPEAKER_00
I took the fall for you.
1
SPEAKER_00
The angels of my better nature think that it was because he just thought I was a good guy and it was just a lapse in judgment.
1
SPEAKER_00
Maybe it was also financial because I spent so much money in that bar that he was going to take quite a hit to his pocketbook.
1
SPEAKER_00
Sure.
1
SPEAKER_00
He got in some trouble.
1
SPEAKER_00
I think he lost maybe a shift or two at work, but I was allowed to continue there causing various disturbances from time to time.
1
SPEAKER_00
Couple things could have been financially motivated.
1
SPEAKER_03
Also, he might ve been very happy for you that you got some action.
1
SPEAKER_03
He could be rooting for you.
1
SPEAKER_03
That s a great way to look at it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Like I said, I wasn t exactly killing it.
1
SPEAKER_00
My opportunities were few and far between.
1
SPEAKER_03
Well, let s be honest, all the bartenders crushed.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s what bartenders do.
1
SPEAKER_03
And then you got a guy that s always there and he finally gets a little lucky.
1
SPEAKER_03
You know, and you re a stud, you can shoulder this.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, and he also just might be like, the punishment for you would be so much more than whatever the punishment is going to be for him, unless he thought he was going to get fired.
1
SPEAKER_03
He s a star bartender.
1
SPEAKER_03
What if he just said, those are mine?
1
SPEAKER_03
And now I m really uncomfortable, you know, I wear those underwear and now you re in trouble, owner of the bar.
1
SPEAKER_03
I would have flipped the whole script on him.
1
SPEAKER_03
Are you now in recovery?
1
SPEAKER_03
I get a sense you re now in recovery.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, it does feel like a tone of this was.
2
SPEAKER_03
of a time.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, this has attic-y story written all over it.
2
SPEAKER_03
Well, there s a bleakness to the whole tableau that I relate to deeply.
2
SPEAKER_03
Also, if you d gotten banned from there, like, I m not being too light on this.
2
SPEAKER_03
If you don t live in walking distance to a bar, now we re ratcheting up a whole other side of likely death and imprisonment and bodily harm to other people.
2
SPEAKER_06
Because you d be driving.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, you d have to drive.
2
SPEAKER_03
You weren t going to quit drinking.
2
SPEAKER_03
You were just going to have to drive somewhere to drink.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, that was not my bottom, unfortunately.
2
SPEAKER_02
So I was going to keep going full steam ahead at that point.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
So how long have you been sober?
2
SPEAKER_03
Six years.
2
SPEAKER_03
God damn.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, congratulations.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s fucking awesome.
2
SPEAKER_02
Listening to your podcast was a big impetus for that.
2
SPEAKER_02
I was still pretty much actively out there until I started listening.
2
SPEAKER_02
I m a day one cherry.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh my God.
2
SPEAKER_02
How sweet.
2
SPEAKER_02
Fuck yes.
2
SPEAKER_02
In his life better.
2
SPEAKER_02
Way better.
2
SPEAKER_02
I m married now.
2
SPEAKER_02
We have a son.
2
SPEAKER_04
Oh, this is such a happy story.
2
SPEAKER_04
Damn it.
2
SPEAKER_02
When I told my wife I was going to tell this story, she just kind of rolled her eyes because she s heard all these shenanigans.
2
SPEAKER_02
Sure.
2
SPEAKER_02
Listening to the podcast gave me the courage to go to AA and go to therapy.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh man.
2
SPEAKER_03
Daniel, you just made my month.
2
SPEAKER_03
Thank you for sharing that.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s so great.
2
SPEAKER_03
Well, Daniel, great meeting you.
2
SPEAKER_02
Thanks for sharing that story with us.
2
SPEAKER_02
You as well.
2
SPEAKER_02
It was a real pleasure.
2
SPEAKER_02
Thank you so much.
2
SPEAKER_03
All right.
2
SPEAKER_03
Take care.
2
SPEAKER_04
Bye.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, man.
2
SPEAKER_03
How sweet.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, what a lovely thing to hear.
2
SPEAKER_04
Good thing that guy took the fall.
2
SPEAKER_03
Truly.
2
SPEAKER_04
Because it could have changed the whole trajectory.
2
SPEAKER_03
It could have.
2
SPEAKER_03
He could have been driving around.
2
SPEAKER_03
If you are an active addict, do try to live in walking distance of a bar.
2
SPEAKER_06
That s true.
2
SPEAKER_03
You know?
2
SPEAKER_06
I do.
2
SPEAKER_03
We got a cool name coming up, Rylan.
2
SPEAKER_06
Ooh, cool.
2
SPEAKER_03
Have you ever seen such a name?
2
SPEAKER_06
No, that s a cool name.
2
SPEAKER_03
Rob, has anyone taken the fall for you?
2
SPEAKER_03
My brother has once.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, he has.
2
SPEAKER_03
Are you comfortable sharing the story?
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, it was when I was like seven or eight.
2
SPEAKER_01
My grandpa had got me a Michael Jordan watch, and I was playing basketball in the basement, and I did a slam dunk and broke it.
2
SPEAKER_01
Uh-oh.
2
SPEAKER_01
Shattered the glass on it, and I stuck it under the couch, pretending like I didn t do it.
2
SPEAKER_01
Sure, of course.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then found it and blamed it on my brother.
2
SPEAKER_01
Hahaha, I found it.
2
SPEAKER_01
My grandpa got me a new one.
2
SPEAKER_05
But did he say I did it?
2
SPEAKER_01
He was a troublemaker and he didn t really talk yet.
2
SPEAKER_05
That s not really taking the fall so much as you blamed him.
2
SPEAKER_01
I mean he copped up to it, which I didn t understand why.
2
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_01
Because I had put a little one of his toy hammers by it as well.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh wow, this is a very meticulous plot.
2
SPEAKER_03
It s so funny when you re little, you think you re gonna be in trouble for breaking something that s yours and was a present.
2
SPEAKER_03
And they re just gonna feel bad for you, you broke your watch.
2
SPEAKER_05
Well, unless you re someone who just like constantly broke stuff or didn t take care of their things.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, and then you smack Rob across the face.
2
SPEAKER_03
Stop breaking your things.
2
SPEAKER_05
You re a bad kid.
2
SPEAKER_03
Value your stuff, you entitled little shit.
2
SPEAKER_01
Ready for Ryland?
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
Hi.
2
SPEAKER_03
Hello.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m freaking out, you guys.
2
SPEAKER_03
Have a freak out.
2
SPEAKER_03
We re here for it.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, okay.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m very intrigued by your background.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_00
Do you want to guess first?
2
SPEAKER_03
Well, you re at work.
2
SPEAKER_00
Unfortunately.
2
SPEAKER_03
It looks school teacher-y to me.
2
SPEAKER_00
I was about to say, it feels like a classroom of sorts.
2
SPEAKER_00
I work at a university, but I m obviously not a professor, just a staff member.
2
SPEAKER_03
Okay, but I wouldn t have said you re obviously a professor.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, okay.
2
SPEAKER_00
Thank you.
2
SPEAKER_00
You re just too young to be a professor.
2
SPEAKER_00
You re pretty young.
2
SPEAKER_00
A little too young.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m sure there s professors my age out there.
2
SPEAKER_03
I can t tell.
2
SPEAKER_06
Well, I had a hot young professor, so yes, there are.
2
SPEAKER_06
I ve also had a few.
2
SPEAKER_06
They re a dime a dozen.
2
SPEAKER_03
Do you think there s more hot male professors?
2
SPEAKER_03
Why do I keep hearing this seems to be very gendered?
2
SPEAKER_06
Huh.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m not hearing a lot of dudes that I know that had a smoking hot.
2
SPEAKER_03
Well, A, let s just start with, do we think the ratio is a little skewed?
2
SPEAKER_03
Do you think it s 50-50?
2
SPEAKER_00
There s probably just more male professors out there, or depending on the classes you re taking, too.
2
SPEAKER_00
You should be a professor.
2
SPEAKER_00
That was smart, what you just said.
2
SPEAKER_03
You re now a professor.
2
SPEAKER_03
Thank you, thank you.
2
SPEAKER_00
I had a female geology professor and I was in love with her.
2
SPEAKER_00
She was only like 30.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, okay.
2
SPEAKER_03
Wow.
2
SPEAKER_03
And geology, good for her.
2
SPEAKER_00
I know, right?
2
SPEAKER_03
And what state are you in?
2
SPEAKER_00
I m in Santa Barbara, so I m in California.
2
SPEAKER_03
Okay, so someone took the fall for you.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yes, thank you for bringing that up.
2
SPEAKER_00
I d love to talk about it.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yes, we want to hear.
2
SPEAKER_00
Story starts early January of 2020.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m on a climbing camping trip in Joshua Tree.
2
SPEAKER_00
So there s about 15 of us total in our friend group.
2
SPEAKER_00
And most of them are like close friends of mine, hang out with all the time.
2
SPEAKER_00
Some notable characters include my boyfriend, Alfred.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, great name.
2
SPEAKER_00
A fake name, but thank you.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, okay.
2
SPEAKER_00
and my ex-boyfriend, who I had not seen in like a year and a half.
2
SPEAKER_00
He is just slowly through friends, got into this friend group.
2
SPEAKER_00
So he was invited on the trip.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m cool, I m chill, it s fine.
2
SPEAKER_03
You guys had an AMEA couple breakup?
2
SPEAKER_00
Enough, it was fine.
2
SPEAKER_00
He also brought his new girlfriend, who at the time he d been dating for like a week.
2
SPEAKER_00
So it was like all of our first time meeting her.
2
SPEAKER_00
So we go to set up our tents right when we get there.
2
SPEAKER_00
So we re actually camping on BLM.
2
SPEAKER_00
Do you guys know what the BLM is?
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, Bureau of Land Management, federal land.
2
SPEAKER_03
You can shoot guns.
2
SPEAKER_00
You can do anything.
2
SPEAKER_00
So we camped there and somehow me and my boyfriend s tent and my ex-boyfriend and his girlfriend s tent got right next to each other.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oopsies.
2
SPEAKER_00
And our little semi-circle like facing the campfire.
2
SPEAKER_00
And then on the other circle was like all the cars facing the campfire as well.
2
SPEAKER_00
But first day s good.
2
SPEAKER_00
We all go climb.
2
SPEAKER_00
We camp.
2
SPEAKER_00
We just have a great time.
2
SPEAKER_03
Is anyone doing mushrooms?
2
SPEAKER_03
There s a very big mushrooms destination.
2
SPEAKER_00
Absolutely.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay, great.
2
SPEAKER_00
A lot of mushrooms, a lot of weed, a lot of wine bags.
2
SPEAKER_03
Nice.
2
SPEAKER_00
And it s just good vibes.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m hanging out with him and her and everyone s in a great mood.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I m like, wow, this is best case scenario.
2
SPEAKER_00
So we wake up, we do it again the next day.
2
SPEAKER_00
And then my boyfriend and I decide, okay, let s have a little alone time.
2
SPEAKER_00
So we re going to go eat dinner at one of like the little diners in the town by ourselves.
2
SPEAKER_00
We come back and we end the night with everyone drinking, telling stories, dancing.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s great.
2
SPEAKER_00
And then we go to bed.
2
SPEAKER_00
And mind you, it s January, so it s freezing out there.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, that s chilly up there.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I m wearing like my flannel pants and then sweatpants and then those big comfy blanket sweaters.
2
SPEAKER_00
You guys know what those are?
2
SPEAKER_03
Not as snoozy.
2
SPEAKER_00
Snoo is kind of like a snuggie, but it s essentially just a giant sweatshirt, but it s blanket material.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like it s huge.
2
SPEAKER_03
Ooh, okay.
2
SPEAKER_03
This sounds nice.
2
SPEAKER_00
and I wake up in the middle of the night, and it s pitch black, and I m like, oh, I m gonna throw up.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I m trying to get out of the tent, but I have so many layers of clothes on me, and I can t find the tent zipper, and so I m waking up Alfred, and I m like, please help me.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I m also trying to shut the fuck up, because literally everyone s right next to us.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I get out, and I run behind the tent, and I just let it rip, like so much vomit.
2
SPEAKER_00
I don t even know how that was in my body.
2
SPEAKER_03
Do we think it s from over-imbibing, or the food in town?
2
SPEAKER_00
Great question.
2
SPEAKER_00
Who truly knows?
2
SPEAKER_00
I stop, drink some water, Alfred s standing there, he offers me his water, wet wipes.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m like, okay, I think I m feeling a little better.
2
SPEAKER_00
I go to stand up and immediately I m like, oh, actually I m going to shit my pants.
2
SPEAKER_03
Okay, so probably the food in town.
2
SPEAKER_03
Food in town, we just got a verdict.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, that feels like a food poisoning situation.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m so glad there s a shitting the pants story mixed with all this.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I m like trying to remove three layers of pants.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh God.
2
SPEAKER_00
And also like lift up my sweatshirt that s all the way to the floor.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I like finally get just my little bum out just so I have enough room and like just shit so much.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh my God, and your boyfriend s there?
2
SPEAKER_00
The boyfriend s there watching me.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh.
2
SPEAKER_03
Well forget that also, I m presuming you re quite close to the camping area.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I m literally like three feet from my tent, five feet from my ex-boyfriend s tent.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh my God, this is a nightmare.
2
SPEAKER_00
You can hear it, it s like someone has dumped out their water bottle.
2
SPEAKER_03
It s just going.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m pooping and then I... Rylan just looked over her shoulder in a panic as a boss walked in right as she said, I m pooping.
2
SPEAKER_00
I know, I m so scared right now, you guys.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay, so I m pooping and then I start puking again.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I m trying to get the puke off of my jacket while also not pooping on any of my things.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, this is so awful.
2
SPEAKER_03
Are you virtually nude at this point outside or no?
2
SPEAKER_00
all my clothes on.
2
SPEAKER_00
So eventually I stop and I m cleaning up and then I m like, okay, I have like five minutes before this is happening again.
2
SPEAKER_00
I need to get as far away from the tents as possible.
2
SPEAKER_00
I need to get past the cars.
2
SPEAKER_00
I have to walk through the campsite.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I m like, I need you to drive me just down the road a little bit.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m not gonna get to a toilet, I know that.
2
SPEAKER_00
But I m like, at least get away from the campsite.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I m like, okay, you get the keys, I m walking to the car.
2
SPEAKER_00
And so I m walking there, I don t get more than five feet before I buckle over and have to just keep pooping.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh my God.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh my God.
2
SPEAKER_03
You are massacring this camping area.
2
SPEAKER_00
Where everyone is like living this weekend.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh my God.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, you are 100% poisoned by this local, did you eat seafood?
2
SPEAKER_00
No, I had an avocado bacon burger.
2
SPEAKER_03
Hmm, that should not have.
2
SPEAKER_06
But it did, but it did.
2
SPEAKER_03
But it did.
2
SPEAKER_03
Okay, I made a lettuce on the burger.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh.
2
SPEAKER_03
Mysterio all over it.
2
SPEAKER_03
Anyways.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh no.
2
SPEAKER_03
Okay, so you re trying to get to a car.
2
SPEAKER_03
Round four hits.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
By the time I get to the car and we have the keys, there s at least like four or five piles.
2
SPEAKER_03
Just like every like six or seven feet.
2
SPEAKER_03
God.
2
SPEAKER_00
And they re not nice little piles.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
Splashy.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s everywhere.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s quite terrible.
2
SPEAKER_00
So at that point I know like there s nothing
3
SPEAKER_03
I could possibly release from my body, like that s it.
3
SPEAKER_03
And I m like, okay, well we have to do something about this, but it s liquid, I can t like pick it up like a dummy bag.
3
SPEAKER_03
I m like, okay, we have a shovel, but the keys to the car are in my ex-boyfriend s tent, the shovel s in his car, and I m like, that s not something I m willing to do right now, so I m going to bed.
3
SPEAKER_01
Do you think about kicking sand over it?
3
SPEAKER_03
Like the cats.
3
SPEAKER_01
Like a kitty.
3
SPEAKER_03
That maybe could have been an option, but it s a dry lake bed, so it s like hard.
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh God, so it s so visible.
3
SPEAKER_01
Very visible, highly visible.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yes, thank you for bringing that up.
3
SPEAKER_01
There s no missing this.
3
SPEAKER_03
So we go to bed, wake up the next morning and I m just laying there with my eyes open, just like not moving.
3
SPEAKER_03
And then I just hear one of my friends go, oh my.
3
SPEAKER_03
I was hoping a raccoon maybe came and ate it in the night.
3
SPEAKER_01
Sure, sure, sure.
3
SPEAKER_01
Wildlife.
3
SPEAKER_03
And then they re like, guys, get out of here.
3
SPEAKER_03
And so everyone s out there.
3
SPEAKER_03
This is like, I feel itchy.
3
SPEAKER_01
This is your biggest, I don t even think snaking your butt is worse than this.
3
SPEAKER_04
I would kill myself.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
You would have walked directly out into the desert until you died.
3
SPEAKER_03
I should have done that.
3
SPEAKER_03
I hear them discovering more and more piles.
3
SPEAKER_01
They re like, there s one over here.
3
SPEAKER_01
I think there was multiple people.
3
SPEAKER_03
They re like, was this a wild animal?
3
SPEAKER_03
And they re like, no, no, this had to be a grown man.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, we always get the blame.
3
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, you do.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
And they re like, this had to be like a big guy.
3
SPEAKER_01
Was there a big boy in your group?
3
SPEAKER_03
So, okay.
3
SPEAKER_03
I m like 5 2 .
3
SPEAKER_03
People wouldn t think that I could produce that much.
3
SPEAKER_03
My boyfriend at the time, Sweet Alfred, is like 6 1 .
3
SPEAKER_03
He s like almost 200 pounds.
3
SPEAKER_03
He s like a bodybuilder.
3
SPEAKER_03
This man s always grubbing down.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, he s getting his protein.
3
SPEAKER_03
So he could theoretically produce something of this caliber.
3
SPEAKER_03
I look at him and I m like, please.
3
SPEAKER_03
You have to tell everyone it s you.
3
SPEAKER_03
Like, you have to.
3
SPEAKER_03
And he s like, no fucking way.
3
SPEAKER_03
I m not doing it.
3
SPEAKER_03
I look at him with just such desperation.
3
SPEAKER_03
There s tears in my eyes.
3
SPEAKER_03
I m like, I can t do this.
3
SPEAKER_03
My ex is here.
3
SPEAKER_03
Please, you have to.
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh God.
3
SPEAKER_01
Can I ask how long were you and Alfred together at this point?
3
SPEAKER_03
At this point, like a little over a year.
3
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, so with him, I felt very comfortable.
3
SPEAKER_03
Wasn t worried about that at all.
3
SPEAKER_04
I mean, I m shocked.
3
SPEAKER_04
There s not a person on earth that I would feel okay with seeing that, which is sad.
3
SPEAKER_04
That s sad for me.
3
SPEAKER_01
It is, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, I m saying it s sad.
3
SPEAKER_04
You ll find it.
3
SPEAKER_04
Let s hope.
3
SPEAKER_01
Many people would love you right through all that.
3
SPEAKER_03
I would take credit for your poop.
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh, thanks.
3
SPEAKER_03
But so he s like, no, I m not doing it.
3
SPEAKER_03
So I guess I can t stay in the tent forever.
3
SPEAKER_01
That makes you obvious.
3
SPEAKER_01
I was even thinking when you were telling the story, like the move is if anyone does this, is be first one up.
3
SPEAKER_01
and then be a part of the curiosity.
3
SPEAKER_01
What?
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, bro.
3
SPEAKER_00
What big, big man did this?
3
SPEAKER_01
You can like lead the investigation a little bit.
3
SPEAKER_03
I should have set a timer and been the first one up.
3
SPEAKER_01
Whoever shows up last probably did it.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yes, because I was just waiting it out.
3
SPEAKER_03
I don t know what I was hoping would happen.
3
SPEAKER_03
Maybe a bomb would fall on us.
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_03
But eventually I was like, okay, I have to get out of this tent.
3
SPEAKER_03
So I walk out and it has frozen overnight.
3
SPEAKER_01
That s helpful.
3
SPEAKER_01
If it s frozen, it doesn t stink as much.
3
SPEAKER_01
The smell.
3
SPEAKER_01
If it was a hot morning.
3
SPEAKER_03
But they re now just like pucks and people are playing with it.
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh my God.
3
SPEAKER_03
They re all a bunch of dirty climber boys.
3
SPEAKER_03
Like they don t care.
3
SPEAKER_03
And so they re like.
3
SPEAKER_03
I m like, Alfred, Alfred, get out of here.
3
SPEAKER_03
We know you did this.
3
SPEAKER_03
And I look at him and he comes out and we re just looking at each other.
3
SPEAKER_03
And I swear this moment of us staring at each other felt like 30 minutes.
3
SPEAKER_03
And it was just 30 seconds.
3
SPEAKER_03
And I was like, what is he going to do?
3
SPEAKER_03
And they re like, Alfred.
3
SPEAKER_01
And he goes, oh, he shrugged his shoulders.
3
SPEAKER_03
And he never, never once said, okay, it was me, but he never denied it.
3
SPEAKER_03
And they just kept making jokes and kept saying stuff.
3
SPEAKER_03
And he just would kind of giggle.
3
SPEAKER_03
And I was sitting there just like, yeah, you re so crazy.
3
SPEAKER_01
What if you were like, honey, that s so gross.
3
SPEAKER_01
Stop doing that.
3
SPEAKER_01
He does this all the time at home.
3
SPEAKER_04
Oh my God.
3
SPEAKER_04
He was up all night.
3
SPEAKER_04
It was so disgusting.
3
SPEAKER_01
I told him to go farther away from camp.
3
SPEAKER_01
I feel like you should have married him in that moment.
3
SPEAKER_01
That s quite a bit of integrity.
3
SPEAKER_01
That was nice.
3
SPEAKER_03
We did break up.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, sure, sure.
3
SPEAKER_03
We broke up two years ago.
3
SPEAKER_03
I moved away.
3
SPEAKER_03
I haven t spoken to any of them.
3
SPEAKER_03
And I wonder if he s told them.
3
SPEAKER_03
The moment we broke up, I would have sent an email.
3
SPEAKER_03
I m telling everyone.
3
SPEAKER_01
Absolutely.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, me too.
3
SPEAKER_01
Clear your name.
3
SPEAKER_01
Although, I ll tell you what could happen.
3
SPEAKER_01
It would backfire perhaps the way it s backfired when Kristen has farted in an elevator and then we ve gotten out as people are getting in and I say that was her.
3
SPEAKER_01
They don t think it was her.
3
SPEAKER_01
They just think, not only was it me, I m a dick, and I threw her under the bus.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so probably they would have gotten that email from Alfred, and they d have been like, oh, this guy, he shit all over camp, and now this girl s out of his life, so he s blaming her a year later.
3
SPEAKER_03
Well, if anyone s listening, I take credit for it.
3
SPEAKER_03
I apologize.
3
SPEAKER_04
Oh my God.
3
SPEAKER_04
I wonder if it was sort of obvious though, because I m sure you looked ill the next day.
3
SPEAKER_04
Like there s no way you could have gone through that.
3
SPEAKER_04
That s why I don t know if it was food poisoning, because the next day I felt so good.
3
SPEAKER_03
Whoa.
3
SPEAKER_01
Better than ever.
3
SPEAKER_03
Better than Alfred probably did.
3
SPEAKER_01
I will say, I ve been on four or five of those very similar camping trips you re describing to Joshua Tree.
3
SPEAKER_01
And every one of them has had an event.
3
SPEAKER_01
There s the one I told you where the guy brought a gorilla suit and he followed the guys out there were hiking and he chased them back.
3
SPEAKER_01
And we all thought there was an actual Sasquatch.
3
SPEAKER_04
Yep.
3
SPEAKER_01
That was a disaster.
3
SPEAKER_01
I climbed up the rocks, tried to go down another way.
3
SPEAKER_01
It was stuck there.
3
SPEAKER_01
Scotty and I were on shrooms and got lost.
3
SPEAKER_01
One morning, someone just walked out of the desert.
3
SPEAKER_01
They had been lost since the night before.
3
SPEAKER_01
Like shit goes down on those trips.
3
SPEAKER_03
Joshua Tree s a weird place.
3
SPEAKER_03
It is, it s kind of spooky.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, and everyone s on drugs.
3
SPEAKER_04
I mean, that s part of why.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
If it had to happen anywhere, I m glad it happened there.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
Me too.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, well, Rylan, this was a- Thanks for that story.
3
SPEAKER_01
What a dynamite story.
3
SPEAKER_01
I did not see that coming.
3
SPEAKER_01
I always like when it turns to unauthorized evacuations.
3
SPEAKER_03
Right?
3
SPEAKER_03
I thought you guys might enjoy that part.
3
SPEAKER_01
Quite a bit.
3
SPEAKER_01
All right, well, wonderful meeting you, Rylan.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yes, thank you.
3
SPEAKER_03
Okay, have a great day.
3
SPEAKER_03
Bye.
3
SPEAKER_01
All right, take care.
3
SPEAKER_03
Bye.
3
SPEAKER_01
Ah, Cameron?
3
SPEAKER_00
Cameron probably.
3
SPEAKER_01
It looks like it s seven syllables right here.
3
SPEAKER_04
The E added Cameron.
3
SPEAKER_01
What if it was Cameron?
3
SPEAKER_04
It might be Cameron.
3
SPEAKER_00
Ooh, Cameron.
3
SPEAKER_04
Because the E is in that placement.
3
SPEAKER_00
Let s find out.
3
SPEAKER_04
Oh shit, I just remembered.
3
SPEAKER_00
Did you just Cameron?
3
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_04
I just remembered I didn t finish my connections.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh.
3
SPEAKER_04
I need to do that.
3
SPEAKER_01
Before the fact check.
3
SPEAKER_01
Maybe I ll do it too.
3
SPEAKER_01
You show me how to do it.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s a hard one.
3
SPEAKER_01
If you pooped everywhere, I would definitely take the blame.
3
SPEAKER_01
Thank you.
3
SPEAKER_01
You re welcome.
3
SPEAKER_04
I think some people in my life would take the blame, which is very sweet, but it s more like the idea of anyone being around when that was happening.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, that s scary for you.
3
SPEAKER_04
Oh my God.
3
SPEAKER_04
Hello.
3
SPEAKER_01
Hey, how s it going?
3
SPEAKER_01
We ve had a great debate over here, whether it s Cameron, because you could make the argument it s Cameron.
3
SPEAKER_04
Or Cameron.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s just a regular old Cameron.
3
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_01
And your parents, why did they want to throw that E in there?
3
SPEAKER_01
Did they ever explain that to you?
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, I ve never seen it without the E. Really?
3
SPEAKER_01
You ve never seen Cameron without the E?
3
SPEAKER_01
Cameron is spelled C-A-M-R-O-N.
3
SPEAKER_04
Oh, or maybe is it C-A-M-E-R-O-N?
3
SPEAKER_04
No, is it?
3
SPEAKER_02
I think it s usually with a C, but with the E as well.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, you would know better than me.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know, we seemingly have matching sleeves and you re a drummer.
3
SPEAKER_01
I mean, this is pretty...
3
SPEAKER_01
Ding, ding, dingy.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m starting off on drums.
3
SPEAKER_02
I ve been a guitar player for like 20 something years, but drumming for like six months.
3
SPEAKER_02
What brought you to drums?
3
SPEAKER_02
It just seems to be the only other instrument that I ve been able to keep up with practice.
3
SPEAKER_02
I ve always just been tapping on stuff my whole life.
3
SPEAKER_02
So I figured, you know, now s the time.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
So Cameron, I m embarrassed that all Camerons have an E now.
3
SPEAKER_01
I was so definitive.
3
SPEAKER_04
Well, now we know.
3
SPEAKER_01
Now we know, but you taught us.
3
SPEAKER_04
We love learning.
3
SPEAKER_01
We love learning.
3
SPEAKER_01
Where are you at in the country?
3
SPEAKER_01
I am in Connecticut currently.
3
SPEAKER_01
Another, we had another Connecticut.
3
SPEAKER_01
Two of four stories are from Connecticut.
3
SPEAKER_01
Does your story take place in Connecticut?
3
SPEAKER_02
No, it takes place in the small town of Columbiaville, Michigan.
3
SPEAKER_04
Oh, do you know it?
3
SPEAKER_02
No.
3
SPEAKER_02
What s it closest to?
3
SPEAKER_02
It s like 20 something minutes outside of Flint.
3
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_01
I know the area.
3
SPEAKER_01
So hit us.
3
SPEAKER_01
Someone took the fall for you.
3
SPEAKER_01
You were for some weird reason in this small town of Michigan or unless are you from there?
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
I grew up there.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh, okay.
3
SPEAKER_02
It s 2006-ish.
3
SPEAKER_02
I was about 17.
3
SPEAKER_02
My friends and I were at a party slamming as much vodka and Goldschlager as possible.
3
SPEAKER_02
One of my friends out of nowhere exclaimed that she needed to go home, like, immediately.
3
SPEAKER_02
So I was a stupidly confident drunk driver at the time and volunteered to drive the 20 to 30 minutes back to her house to drop her off.
3
SPEAKER_02
This was probably about like one in the morning.
3
SPEAKER_02
So she and I packed the car full of beer for the road.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s a very Michigan story, if I can say so.
3
SPEAKER_01
People live 20 minutes apart.
3
SPEAKER_01
We all went to the same school, but it s like, you re sometimes driving someone home for a half hour.
3
SPEAKER_02
Everything s at least 20 or 30 minutes away.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
Neither of us really knew how to get back to our house, and I also blacked out basically the second we started driving.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh, boy.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh, no.
3
SPEAKER_02
I feel like you must be in recovery, are you?
3
SPEAKER_02
I am, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_04
I know, it s so, for some reason, these are obvious.
3
SPEAKER_01
Well, because we ve come to admit how fucking terrible we were, and so we ll just say, yeah, we blacked out.
3
SPEAKER_01
I think someone else who s not in recovery is still kind of trying to not acknowledge that they blacked out, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, that s true.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m very quick to admit that was my problem, I would always,
3
SPEAKER_02
I m like a year and a half sober now.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh, fuck you.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
Congrats.
4
SPEAKER_01
Thank you.
4
SPEAKER_01
So yeah, I don t remember any of the trip, but I woke up a few hours later and I was still driving.
4
SPEAKER_01
She was not in the car, so I successfully dropped her off.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh boy.
4
SPEAKER_01
But as I opened my eyes, I was hitting wooden posts on the side of the Columbiaville Bridge.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh my God.
4
SPEAKER_01
Barreling towards the water.
4
SPEAKER_01
So I flew off of the bridge.
4
SPEAKER_01
No!
4
SPEAKER_01
What?
4
SPEAKER_01
Hit the water, the car started filling up like super fast.
4
SPEAKER_01
I pressed my back up against the driver s side door and just started kicking open the passenger side door.
4
SPEAKER_01
Luckily, I was able to get it open.
4
SPEAKER_01
What time of year was this?
4
SPEAKER_01
This was like November.
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh, so freezing.
4
SPEAKER_01
Very cold.
4
SPEAKER_02
How fast does car fill up?
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, is it like the movies?
4
SPEAKER_01
I feel like it filled up really fast.
4
SPEAKER_01
It was like half up the windshield by the time I was getting out of it, but who knows how time works in that moment.
4
SPEAKER_01
So yeah, I swam up to the side of the road and pulled out my Nextel cell phone, which somehow still worked.
4
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
4
SPEAKER_01
And called my dad.
4
SPEAKER_01
So just a little backstory on my dad.
4
SPEAKER_01
When we were growing up, he was always the kind of dad that said, no matter where you re at or what time of night it is, if you re drunk and you need a ride or help, you ll be there.
4
SPEAKER_01
No questions asked.
4
SPEAKER_01
He didn t want to condone drinking.
4
SPEAKER_01
He was realistic.
4
SPEAKER_01
Right.
4
SPEAKER_01
And you wanted to make sure, you know, if something does happen, we know that we re not going to be in trouble.
4
SPEAKER_01
He just wants to make sure we re safe and stuff.
4
SPEAKER_01
So I called him.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s about four o clock in the morning at this point.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I said, Hey dad, I, uh, I drove my car in the lake.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh.
4
SPEAKER_00
This is a doozy.
4
SPEAKER_00
You re thinking your son s gonna call and like, I put it in a ditch.
4
SPEAKER_00
I backed into something.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yes, I ve jumped it off a bridge into a lake.
4
SPEAKER_01
You know, he asked me if you could see the car from the bridge.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I said, you can kind of see a little bit of the roof.
4
SPEAKER_01
So he told me to hide in the bushes or something, stay out of sight until he got there.
4
SPEAKER_00
Right.
4
SPEAKER_01
I actually had to call him a couple of days ago to get the details cause I have never really heard this part of the story.
4
SPEAKER_01
So he picked me up and drove me home and said, dry off, go to bed.
4
SPEAKER_01
And then he headed back to the bridge.
4
SPEAKER_00
This is some dad shit right here.
4
SPEAKER_00
Okay, here we go.
4
SPEAKER_01
He was a truck driver at the time and worked at a construction company.
4
SPEAKER_01
So he was really tight with this tow service.
4
SPEAKER_01
And so he called his friend up who works there.
4
SPEAKER_01
And the guy said, okay, I ll be right out.
4
SPEAKER_01
As he was waiting for the tow truck to arrive, just kind of hanging out at the bridge, a cop rolls up and asks him, Hey,
4
SPEAKER_01
What are you doing just kind of sitting here by the bridge in the middle of the night?
4
SPEAKER_01
And he said, a deer jumped out in front of me and I swerved and I put my car in the lake.
4
SPEAKER_01
I still don t know like how he would have his truck there.
4
SPEAKER_01
Or that the deer was on the bridge.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
No sign of the deer or anything.
4
SPEAKER_01
Deer came out of the water, jumped onto the bridge.
4
SPEAKER_01
The cop bought the story.
4
SPEAKER_01
They re sitting there kind of waiting.
4
SPEAKER_01
A little time goes by more cops start showing up and eventually the tow truck gets there.
4
SPEAKER_01
The cops see the tow truck and they say, Oh, we actually have to have the dive team do that.
4
SPEAKER_01
You re not allowed to call in here on people.
4
SPEAKER_01
He, I guess, leaves at that point to talk to his friend at the fire department.
4
SPEAKER_01
He asked him for advice and the guy says, whatever you do, don t let the dive team get the car out because you re going to have to pay the bill.
4
SPEAKER_01
And it s going to be crazy expensive.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, wow.
4
SPEAKER_01
So my dad heads back to the bridge and by then some more cops were there.
4
SPEAKER_01
It was pretty crowded.
4
SPEAKER_01
And he goes up to the cops and says, Hey, I really don t need the dive team to get it out.
4
SPEAKER_01
I can get it out myself.
4
SPEAKER_01
And the cops say, no, you re not allowed to do that.
4
SPEAKER_01
So he went over to his tow truck friends and asked him, what am I going to need to do to get this car hooked up to the tow truck?
4
SPEAKER_01
The guy says, you have to break out two of the windows and wrap the strap through the windows.
4
SPEAKER_01
Then I can pull it out.
4
SPEAKER_01
They start conspiring and sort out some details.
4
SPEAKER_01
The guy hands my dad a hammer and the strap.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh my God.
4
SPEAKER_01
And my dad just like books it towards the water and dives in.
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh my God.
4
SPEAKER_01
Cops are just like screaming at him at this point.
4
SPEAKER_02
He looks so guilty of something.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, like there s gonna be a body in the car.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
He smashes the windows, hooks up the straps, and the tow truck starts pulling it out.
4
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, this is a good friend of the tow truck driver because he s kind of like now interfering with the investigation of some sort.
4
SPEAKER_02
Instruction of justice.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
As everybody s sitting there watching, out from the broken windows starts floating beer cans and liquor bottles and school books.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh.
4
SPEAKER_01
So the cop comes up to my dad and up until this point, he was totally cool and understanding, but he comes up and says, okay, tell me what actually happened here.
4
SPEAKER_01
So my dad says, it s my kid s car, but I was driving it.
4
SPEAKER_01
The cop insists he s lying to cover for me.
4
SPEAKER_01
And my dad basically just ends up saying, you know, prove it.
4
SPEAKER_01
So like.
4
SPEAKER_01
Cop heads back to the car, writes up a giant stack of tickets, hands them to my dad.
4
SPEAKER_01
He s kind of scared at this point that he d lose his truck driving license because he s a career truck driver.
4
SPEAKER_01
That didn t end up happening, but he did get six points on his record and thousands in ticket fees and everyone s insurance went up.
4
SPEAKER_01
And what was the talk that you two had once this was all done and behind you?
4
SPEAKER_01
He got back to the house at about 7 or 8 in the morning.
4
SPEAKER_01
He pulls back into the driveway.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m just standing in the driveway with a group of friends, still trashed, because I m a 17-year-old jerkbag.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m laughing about the whole thing.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, boy.
4
SPEAKER_01
And then a couple days later, he opens up the paper and there s a giant story mentioning him by name, saying that he, a professional driver, destroyed the Columbiaville Bridge in the middle of the night because of a deer.
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh, wow.
4
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
4
SPEAKER_01
I hope he got a copy of that.
4
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
What was the guilt level?
4
SPEAKER_01
I wanna say I was a good person and felt guilty in some significant way, but knowing myself at that age, I think I probably should have been more outspokenly thankful to my dad at that point.
4
SPEAKER_01
But as years have passed, he s definitely come to know how grateful I am.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
And he stoked yours over?
4
SPEAKER_01
Everybody pretty much thinks it s a good idea.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh man.
4
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
That s a big taking a fall.
4
SPEAKER_00
That s our biggest taking a fall.
4
SPEAKER_02
That s a big, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh, I love dads.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
I love them too.
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh man.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
Cameron, please tell your father that I admire him and think he s a sweetheart.
4
SPEAKER_01
Will do.
4
SPEAKER_00
All right.
4
SPEAKER_00
Pass that along.
4
SPEAKER_01
My wife will be kind of mad at me if I don t mention I did release an album a couple of years ago.
4
SPEAKER_01
Kind of goes over my whole sobriety story and everything.
4
SPEAKER_01
What s it called?
4
SPEAKER_01
It s called Sundowning and it s under my name, Cameron Masulo.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
4
SPEAKER_01
Wonderful.
4
SPEAKER_01
Well, we ll check that out.
4
SPEAKER_01
All right.
4
SPEAKER_01
All right.
4
SPEAKER_02
Take care.
4
SPEAKER_02
That reminded me, and it s so sim, it s so crazy that we just heard this story.
4
SPEAKER_02
Tell me.
4
SPEAKER_02
I was just listening to Nobody s Listening Right, and they talked about Mitch McConnell s sister-in-law.
4
SPEAKER_02
His wife s sister just died.
4
SPEAKER_02
She was like the CEO of something.
4
SPEAKER_02
That s not really relevant, but anyway.
4
SPEAKER_02
She was at a friend s house or something on a ranch,
4
SPEAKER_02
And then she was leaving and she was in her Tesla and she did like a three point turn and accidentally reversed or something and went over an embankment into a pond.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh my goodness.
4
SPEAKER_02
It was like slow enough.
4
SPEAKER_02
She called her friends and said like, Hey, I m in the pond.
4
SPEAKER_02
Help.
4
SPEAKER_02
They came over and no one could get her out.
4
SPEAKER_02
And they called the police.
4
SPEAKER_02
It took like 20 something minutes for them to like get there.
4
SPEAKER_02
And she died.
4
SPEAKER_00
No.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh my God, because everything s electric?
4
SPEAKER_00
I guess.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh my God.
4
SPEAKER_02
Isn t that horrifying?
4
SPEAKER_00
It is.
4
SPEAKER_02
And then this little kid died in a sand hole.
4
SPEAKER_02
What?
4
SPEAKER_02
I know, so many crazy things are happening.
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, just to put your mind at ease, there s no waterways for you to go into.
4
SPEAKER_00
You couldn t get yourself into the LA River if you tried.
4
SPEAKER_00
Those are steel railings.
4
SPEAKER_02
Okay, well I did immediately obviously buy that tool.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, you did?
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, and I have an extra one, whoever wants it.
4
SPEAKER_02
That seat cutter and glass breaker.
4
SPEAKER_00
Knowing nothing about Mitch McConnell s sister-in-law or the wife s age, I m presuming that she was older.
4
SPEAKER_02
I don t know, actually.
4
SPEAKER_02
That s a good question.
4
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
4
SPEAKER_00
Because, I mean, my mind goes to, like, can t you kick the glass out?
4
SPEAKER_02
Right.
4
SPEAKER_02
None of those people could?
4
SPEAKER_02
Like, something weird is happening.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
I don t even understand.
4
SPEAKER_02
They re just watching her.
4
SPEAKER_02
I don t get it.
4
SPEAKER_02
Wouldn t there be, like, a hammer or something?
5
SPEAKER_03
our vehicle to pull it out or rock.
5
SPEAKER_01
Anything.
5
SPEAKER_01
Anyway, it s awful.
5
SPEAKER_01
And then this.
5
SPEAKER_01
Thank God he got out of there.
5
SPEAKER_03
Yes.
5
SPEAKER_03
Oh, well.
5
SPEAKER_01
Well, anyway, good for all these people who took the fall for their loved ones.
5
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
That s kind of cool to take the fall for people.
5
SPEAKER_01
It s nice.
5
SPEAKER_01
It s admirable.
5
SPEAKER_01
It is admirable.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
All right.
5
SPEAKER_01
Well, I love you.
5
SPEAKER_00
Do you wanna sing a tune or something, or a theme song?
5
SPEAKER_00
Oh.
5
SPEAKER_00
Okay, great.
5
SPEAKER_02
We don t have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go.
5
SPEAKER_02
We re gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of armchairies, we ll get some suggestions on the fly, right?