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Guess what, Will?
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What s up, Mango?
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I ve been trying to write a promo for our podcast, Part-Time Genius, but even though we ve done over 250 episodes, we don t really talk about murders or cults.
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I mean, we did just cover the Illuminati of cheese, so I feel like that makes us pretty edgy.
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We also solve mysteries like how Chinese is your Chinese food and how do dollar stores make money?
0
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And then, of course, can you game a dog show?
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So what you re saying is everyone should be listening.
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Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_03
This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol.
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The joy they brought to the nation.
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You are free completely.
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No one is there to destroy you.
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The danger they endured.
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They said my head should be cut off.
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I m John Legend.
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Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_02
A new season of Bridgerton is here.
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And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
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I m your host, Gabby Collins.
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And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the ton.
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Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
0
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Then fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.
0
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Chemistry can lead to some healthy couple good years of marriage.
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Character is what s going to last you a lifetime in a marriage.
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And it s so true when you re dating.
0
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Chemistry is the first thing that we all cling to.
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I want to make out with you.
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I m very physically attracted to you.
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SPEAKER_05
Chemistry is what takes the dating world to the next step.
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but it s the character.
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You can have chemistry with somebody, but that s gonna fizzle.
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It s like a fire.
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It s gonna burn out.
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But character is what lasts a lifetime.
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Hey, everyone.
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Welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world.
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Thanks to each and every single one of you that come back every week to become happier, healthier, and more healed.
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And I m so excited to be talking to you today.
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I can t believe it.
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My new book, Eight Rules of Love, is out, and I cannot wait to share it with you.
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I am so, so excited for you to read this book, for you to listen to this book.
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I read the audiobook.
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If you haven t got it already,
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make sure you go to 8rulesoflove.com.
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It s dedicated to anyone who s trying to find, keep, or let go of love.
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So if you ve got friends that are dating, broken up, or struggling with love, make sure you grab this book.
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And I d love to invite you to come and see me for my global tour, Love Rules.
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Go to jscheddytour.com to learn more information about tickets, VIP experiences, and more.
0
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I can t wait to see you this year.
0
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And I am so excited for today s conversation because not only are my two guests friends of mine, but they have a new book out that I know you re going to love and I can t wait for you to read.
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The new book is called The Sunshine Mind, 100 Days to Finding the Hope and Joy You Want by Tanya Rad and Raquel Stephens.
0
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I can t wait to tell you about these two amazing humans.
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If you don t already follow them, make sure you go and follow them across social media.
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And today we re going to be diving into the themes inside this book.
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But to give you a quick overview, Raquel Stephens  most recent work includes hosting and producing Giving Back Generation.
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Radhi and I were guests on the show, so I can t wait to go and watch that episode.
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Raquel also starred in the Apple documentary, Selena Gomez, My Mind and Me, and the hit series, Selena Plus Chef.
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Tanya Radd co-hosts On Air with Ryan Seacrest, hosting iArt Radio s top 40 show, The Vibe, and creating community on her popular podcast, Scrubbing In.
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Raquel and Tanya just released their new book, The Sunshine Mind.
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I want you to go order it right now.
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You re going to love this book, and you re going to love this conversation.
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Tanya, Raquel, thank you so much for being here.
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Jay, thank you for having us.
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I m like fangirling because I m a big fan of the podcast.
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So to be a guest on the podcast feels like major.
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It s major.
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Yeah.
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And Jay, we ve been friends for a while too.
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So it kind of feels like sitting with two close friends, having a conversation.
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I was going to say that.
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I feel like Raquel, I met you.
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Very early on when I moved to LA, like probably within the first six months, I think.
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We met through our friend Aline Kashishian.
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Absolutely, who we love.
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Alina had dinner with you and Roddy and Aline, and I remember her texting me after being like, you re going to love Jay and Roddy, they re the best.
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And we ve been hanging out ever since.
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And you ve introduced me to so many wonderful people.
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You ve been nothing but sunshine in our life.
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And you re one of those people that I always talk about as like,
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there s very few people like me that are just genuine and want genuine things for everyone in their life and want genuine people to connect.
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And then Tanya, we met very recently actually much more, but we were messaging for many years on like DMs and like all of this.
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I ve been a fan of yours.
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Like I consume everything Jay Shetty.
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I just find you to be very inspirational, aspirational role model.
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And so I just, I love you in general.
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And then I remember Raquel was like our common thread.
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And so we met very recently, but I met your wife first.
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Oh, no way.
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How do you know that?
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Yeah, at a dinner that we had.
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When was that?
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That was a while ago.
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Yeah, it was 2021.
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A couple of years.
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But anyway, I m so excited because you re both finally here.
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Both people that I do believe bring a lot of sunshine into the world.
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So the book is very apt.
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But I want to ask you so many different questions today.
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I want to learn more about your friendship.
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I want to learn about both of you.
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I m sure this chemistry is amazing and you know which questions you want to answer, but I want to start with both of you and say, what makes a day a great day for both of you?
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That s a really great question.
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Um, I try to make every day a great day and I m not saying that in a way of like, Oh, I just wake up happy every single day.
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I think sometimes it s a, it s a choice.
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And so the things that make me most happy are my friends and my family and the people that I do day to day life with.
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So naturally every day is a good day when I m in communication with those people.
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And then also, you know, all of the work that I do is committed to,
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making a difference and to helping people.
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And so I feel like I m living my life on purpose.
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And, um, to me, that s a great day.
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It s being in community with people.
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It s choosing to see the good, even when times are a little bit hard and, um, having fun as well.
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Yeah.
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I love that.
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I love that.
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Tanya.
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I d say mine s similar in the sense that it s really just being at peace and being happy.
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And for me, a lot of that I put in the book too are like these little nuances that I do.
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You know, like we can get very into the mundane of our, you know, the routine of our lives.
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And I think it s like finding joy in those like little things.
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So in the morning, you know, I wake up before the sun and, um, but when I walk into the studio every morning, I flicker the lights on and off and I say, good morning.
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I m like, literally bringing the sun in.
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Sometimes it could be a little annoying, but I think it brings... Everybody smiles and it just kind of brings a levity.
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And so I think to me, just kind of being happy and at peace every day is... I m not a master at it.
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I can kind of get overwhelmed.
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I think you re maybe a master at it.
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I m trying to be.
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I have my moments and that s when I turn to Raquel and I m like, I have a lot going on, help me.
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And she ll usually send a scripture and I m like, okay.
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And I love what you ve done with this book, and I just want to show it to everyone who s listening or watching wherever you are in the world, how this book is structured, because it s rare that two friends to come together to write a book together.
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That doesn t happen very often.
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I ve interviewed so many authors over my years of interviewing, and you don t really see that.
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But the way this book is structured, I just want to show everyone, because I ve been reading it this week, you get these beautiful scripture pieces here, which are these favorite verses, I imagine,
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of both of yours, but then you also get sections that are dedicated to whether they re written by Raquel or Tanya.
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And so you re getting two perspectives on so many phenomenal topics, which I think is actually really rare.
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When you read a book, you re so used to getting one person s viewpoint or one person s research.
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When it comes to you two writing this book together, I ve already asked you about a good day.
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What does a bad day look like for both of you, and how do you navigate those?
0
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Because we re writing a book called A Sunshine Mind, but there s some cloudy days in all of our lives, and you talk about a lot of that in the book.
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So what does a bad day look like, and how do you navigate those?
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You know what s interesting is why I say that this book is such a reflection of our friendship because whenever I was having a bad day or I was going through something heartbreak or, you know, you don t get that, that career, that job that you were really wanting and working hard for.
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Raquel is somebody that I would always turn to in those moments.
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And she s that friend that was,
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She always met me where I was.
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She had a scripture ready to turn it around for me.
0
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And so in the early phases when I was thinking about this book, because I had written a different book proposal, it was like a dating book, and it was just on the cutting room floor.
0
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It didn t end up going
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anywhere.
1
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So I wanted to do a devotional and I was like Raquel s the perfect person to do this with because this is exactly like what she is as a friend to me.
1
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I go to her, she shares wisdom, she s there for me, and so it was kind of a really nice
1
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Yeah, and I think that s something Tanya s really great at.
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On a bad day, you do reach out, you do say, hey, I m struggling, and can you pray for me or can you encourage me?
1
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I m having a hard time.
1
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And I think sometimes it s hard to be vulnerable.
1
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It s hard to say, hey, I m having a bad day.
1
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We want to pretend like everything s okay.
1
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And you really do.
1
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embody that.
1
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Um, for me, if I m having a bad day, I do the same thing.
1
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I ll, I ll call a trusted friend.
1
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Um, Tanya or my friend Ashley cook is really solid and great that way too, you know, Ashley.
1
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Um, and then I also on my own, I ll go, we re very grateful to live in LA.
1
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I ll go and I ll drive down to the beach and I ll, I ll take a long walk and I ll listen to my music or meditations and just,
1
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it might sound kind of simple and you can do this actually wherever you re listening you don t have to go to the beach you can go for a neighborhood walk but I find being in nature and just taking time to be alone and be still and let the spirit come in and and bring me peace it works every single time and I m not just saying that it really does and so I think
1
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taking that time to be alone and really asking the spirit, Hey, I m struggling today.
1
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Today s a tough one.
1
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Please give me peace.
1
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It can be that simple.
1
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And it works every time.
1
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I don t shy away from the bad days too.
1
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Like I ve cried multiple times on the air.
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I ve cried on Instagram.
1
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It s all out there.
1
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Cause I do like, I don t want people to think, you know, that I m just, I m always happy.
1
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And that like, you know, like I have moments and I cry and like, can I say something about Tanya too?
1
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Is she early on in her career, she faced a lot with,
1
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you know, different people saying you re too this, you re too that, you re too positive, you re too not, you re, you re never going to make it in this, in this business.
1
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Yeah.
1
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And I have personalities too much.
1
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Yeah.
1
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And I have watched her stay so true to who she is.
1
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She s never backed down.
1
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She s, she s stayed positive.
1
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She stayed bubbly.
1
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She s, you know, chosen to take the high road over and over again.
1
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And her career has just grown and grown and grown and she s never changed.
1
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She s grown, but she s never changed.
1
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She s always stayed true to her.
1
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And I think that that is incredible.
1
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Thank you.
1
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So beautiful.
1
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I love seeing a good friendship because I think that in a world that where everyone s looking for a partner and someone to date, it s almost like friendships often get devalued or become less important.
1
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Or we find that when someone finds
1
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the one or the person they wanna be with, all of a sudden they don t talk to their friends anymore, only when they re heartbroken to come back to their friends to mend their healing heart.
1
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And so I love seeing good friendships.
1
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I have a lot of great male friends in my life as well that I turn to that are part of my support structure.
1
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What do you think, Tanya, it is about your friendship with Raquel that made you, in those instances, reach out to her?
1
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Like, what is it?
1
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Because I think what you just raised there, Raquel, is,
1
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We struggle with reaching out.
1
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We struggle with asking for help.
1
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We struggle with calling someone up and saying, I m having a bad day.
1
SPEAKER_02
Like that is a very vulnerable, challenging thing for a lot of us to do.
1
SPEAKER_02
And a lot of us will wait months, maybe even years before we open up to our friend and say, this is what I ve been going through.
1
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So what was it about your friendship that gave you a sense of trust in Raquel and what can we learn from that and what can people listening take away from that when they re struggling to figure out who of my friends should I tell and what can I tell them?
1
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Yeah.
1
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I do think that trust is built over time.
1
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So I think I was able to kind of see over time that she was a very trustworthy person.
1
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I know whatever I told her.
1
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And also, I m in an industry that I need to keep things to myself.
1
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But I always knew that I could tell her, and it was like a vault.
1
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And she s just proven time and time again that I can trust her.
1
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But something that is very unique to Raquel that I don t think, and I
1
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I m not as good as it, as good as she is.
1
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But when you come to her for something, she doesn t give you her opinion.
1
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She listens to you.
1
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She doesn t judge you.
1
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She doesn t, you know what I m saying?
1
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Like, I think a lot of times if somebody is going through something, you know, somebody comes back and they re like, Oh, he broke my heart again.
1
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Or like, you know, he was always awful.
1
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He treated you bad.
1
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Like it s none of that stuff.
1
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Do you know what I mean?
1
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Like we always just want to give our opinion or kind of share.
1
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And she just listens.
1
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She s there for you.
1
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She encourages you.
1
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And I think that s something that I try to take into my other friendships too, because I can be the opposite sometimes.
1
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And I really want to be better about no judgment.
1
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Like I know I could tell her anything and she will just take it and like, it won t even affect you at times.
1
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No, it s a really, it s a gift.
1
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There s one word that you said that I wanted to point out to everyone, which I loved because I ve never heard a friend described that way.
1
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She s a vault.
1
SPEAKER_02
The visual of an actual vault, it s like there s nothing getting through.
1
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Yeah, there s nothing.
1
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And there s the idea that like, you know, because we all have a friend that you like tell a secret and you re like, please don t tell anyone, but you know, they re going to let it leak or something s going to get out, whatever it is.
1
SPEAKER_02
Everyone has a friend like that.
1
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But when you know your friends have vote, like I love that.
1
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I love that thought because there s such a safety there.
1
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There s such a security there.
1
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That s such a great visual.
1
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And Raquel, with you and Tanya as well, like what is it that I guess allowed you to be a friend who is able to listen and not judge?
1
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Like where does that come from for you?
1
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Because I think a lot of us feel
1
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that if we re not immediately reaffirming what our friends are saying, then our friends are not going to like us, right?
1
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So like most people think if my friend came up to me and said, Jay, I just broke up and you know, he was like this, whatever.
1
SPEAKER_02
And then if you don t say, oh yeah, he s a jerk.
1
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And of course, yeah, you re the best.
1
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Like,
1
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We feel like our friends are not going to feel... You re supposed to be on my side.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, exactly.
1
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And if you re listening and just being patient, a lot of people might just be like, well, Raquel doesn t care about me or she doesn t really feel sorry for me or whatever.
1
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What s given you that ability to be more patient to say, hey, you know what?
1
SPEAKER_02
I m actually going to listen and be more honest with people rather than just like, tell them what they want to hear.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, well, I think it comes from trying to fully understand and live out true unconditional love.
1
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And when you love someone unconditionally, you re not always telling them what they want to hear, you re saying, or listening to what hopefully will lead them to peace.
1
SPEAKER_00
And what I found is that when you re bashing someone, maybe in a moment, it feels good, but it doesn t lead to real peace.
1
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Even if that person did do something wrong, it s like, okay, you know what they that s,
1
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that sucks that that happened, that s not okay, but we re not going to waste our time dwelling on that or bashing that person.
1
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We re going to, you know, focus on the future.
1
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We re going to focus on what leads ultimately to peace.
1
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And so I love my friends.
1
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I love the people that are close to me.
1
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And so I try to give an honest answer.
1
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And then sometimes, you know, the person gets back with that person or they stay with them.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so imagine
1
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Tanya is one of my close friends, she s broken up with a guy and I m like, yeah, he s this, he s that, whatever.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then they re back together and I ve said all these horrible things about the person that really she was just venting to me in a moment of a hard time that they were having.
1
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And so that s the angle that I tried to come at it from is what is the most helpful?
1
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What is the most peaceful?
1
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What is going to be encouraging the most to her?
1
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Yeah, that s great.
1
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I think, I think that s the kind of friend that everyone says they want.
1
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And then we re always not sure when we actually get that.
1
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Well, how do we grow?
1
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I mean, I welcome that from my friends.
1
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I hope people are telling me the truth.
1
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I hope people are being honest with me and not just telling me what I want to hear because then I can t.
1
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I can t grow if people aren t being truthful with me.
1
SPEAKER_02
Absolutely.
1
SPEAKER_02
I feel like even in marriage, like I m married to someone like I, um, yeah, okay.
1
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I, I officiated a wedding last year and I was practicing to my wife before I officiated and Radhi literally told me the day before that it sucked.
1
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And every part of my ego was like, no, it doesn t.
1
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Like I ve put so much effort into this.
1
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Like, don t you know who I am?
1
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And, and I listened because it s my wife and I trust her.
1
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And after my ego kind of like quietened down a bit, I was like listening to her and I was like,
1
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She s saying this for my benefit.
1
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She wants me to be awesome tomorrow, and she s telling me in advance so that I can be awesome.
1
SPEAKER_02
I changed the whole thing, wrote it, it went great, everything was fine, everyone loved it.
1
SPEAKER_02
But it was just, it was so interesting because it s so hard to hear that from the people closest to us sometimes because we just want to hear them adore us and validate us, right?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, and of course, you know, if Tonya s coming to me and she s been really hurt by someone, I m not immediately going to be like,
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, you know what?
1
SPEAKER_00
You deserve that.
1
SPEAKER_00
No, it s acknowledging it.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s being like, wow, that s like, that s not okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s wrong.
1
SPEAKER_00
But then, you know, not feeding it, I guess.
1
SPEAKER_00
But you know what s interesting?
1
SPEAKER_01
What I ve learned in friendships and relationships is like, there is no right and wrong.
1
SPEAKER_01
There, you know, there s, there s two people, there s two different perspectives there.
1
SPEAKER_01
We ve all grown up differently.
1
SPEAKER_01
We handle situations differently.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I think that as an individual, we just think our way is the right way and the way
2
SPEAKER_01
we do things is the way that everybody should do things when in reality that s not how life is.
2
SPEAKER_01
And so it s kind of just, you know, learning how to work in that space of like, okay, this is how you see it.
2
SPEAKER_01
This is how I see it.
2
SPEAKER_01
Now, how can we work together to like get to the finish line?
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, I love that.
2
SPEAKER_03
I love that.
2
SPEAKER_03
Let s dive into the book.
2
SPEAKER_03
You chose A Hundred Days, which I m fascinated by.
2
SPEAKER_03
Why A Hundred Days?
2
SPEAKER_03
And I d love for you to tell us because it s a beautiful number.
2
SPEAKER_03
I like A Hundred Days.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m like, you can achieve a lot in A Hundred Days, but it feels manageable.
2
SPEAKER_03
Why A Hundred Days?
2
SPEAKER_02
I think for exactly that reason, I think you do 365.
2
SPEAKER_02
It feels like, Oh wow, that s really overwhelming.
2
SPEAKER_02
We were going to do 365.
2
SPEAKER_02
No, I think a hundred is, is digestible.
2
SPEAKER_02
And it s, you know, we could have done 30 people say it takes 30 days to create a new habit or we could have done 90, but I thought a hundred was like a good number.
2
SPEAKER_02
You ve got the three digits, but it s not like, Whoa, 365 that long to find hope and joy.
2
SPEAKER_02
I want maybe no.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
having something that you can go to daily for an extended period of time is good.
2
SPEAKER_01
But also if you skip a day or two, it s not the end of the world.
2
SPEAKER_01
And you still, you know what I mean?
2
SPEAKER_01
Like I think a hundred is felt like a good number.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m going to tell you that I feel the same way.
2
SPEAKER_03
Cause my original book, the one that s coming out now as well was meant to be 52 rules of love.
2
SPEAKER_03
And my editor was like, Jay, I think that s really overwhelming.
2
SPEAKER_03
So it came down to eight and it was, it was a similar sort of feeling of like, how do you make it feel manageable and actionable and powerful, but, but it s not always,
2
SPEAKER_03
easy to do that with a number, but I think 100 days is great.
2
SPEAKER_03
Like you said, it takes 30 to 90 days to form a habit.
2
SPEAKER_03
100 days is a brilliant commitment.
2
SPEAKER_03
It feels like you achieved something.
2
SPEAKER_03
One of the things you talk about in the book is overcoming imposter syndrome.
2
SPEAKER_03
And I love that topic so much because I think that people are, and I ve only picked my favorite days and things that I think were really powerful from the book.
2
SPEAKER_03
Overcoming imposter syndrome is such a big thing today because more people have access to more opportunities, more people are seeing more things happening in the world and knowing what s going on in the world.
2
SPEAKER_03
I know that in my own life, I ve experienced imposter syndrome multiple times because I m constantly in rooms that I never thought I d be in.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m constantly surrounded by people that
2
SPEAKER_03
I feel inadequate to in some way or weak to in some way over time, or rooms that I didn t imagine being or didn t expect to be in.
2
SPEAKER_03
And so imposter syndrome is something I experienced time and time and time again.
2
SPEAKER_03
I have my own way of dealing with it.
2
SPEAKER_03
I d love to know where have both of you felt imposter syndrome in your life.
2
SPEAKER_03
And let s start there, wherever you felt it first, let s start there.
2
SPEAKER_01
This is a big one for me, because like Raquel said, when I was early on in my career, it wasn t like a beautiful welcoming for me.
2
SPEAKER_01
It was very much, my personality is too much, people can only handle me in small doses, I m a cartoon character.
2
SPEAKER_01
you know, in this career, it s all your personality.
2
SPEAKER_01
So like, that was very damaging at a young age when I was starting out.
2
SPEAKER_01
So in my mind, I had, I was like, 21, 22.
2
SPEAKER_01
So you hear all that and you believe it because it s coming from people who are
2
SPEAKER_01
way above you in this corporate world, you know?
2
SPEAKER_01
And this is something that I am so grateful, you know, I work with Ryan Seacrest and he, from the very beginning, has been so encouraging to me and he saw something in me and I would not be where I am if it wasn t for him believing in me because I did have to deal with a lot of adversity from other people.
2
SPEAKER_01
It was very damaging.
2
SPEAKER_01
And so, and it was like every step of the way in my career, like I remember when I got my first TV gig at E!,
2
SPEAKER_01
I had it all over again.
2
SPEAKER_01
I was like, I m too much and I need to lower myself and be a little bit quieter.
2
SPEAKER_01
And every step and every milestone that I was making in my career, I felt really nervous at the start because I was just like, I m not supposed to be here.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t deserve this.
2
SPEAKER_01
And there s also a part of it too, where it comes from, you know,
2
SPEAKER_01
I never dreamed that this was possible.
2
SPEAKER_01
You know, like I always envisioned it, but I never thought that it was actually going to be a reality.
2
SPEAKER_01
And so when it s actually becoming a reality, it s just this crazy kind of like, I don t deserve this type of thing.
2
SPEAKER_01
And so overcoming it has been a process, like a major, major process, because I ve had to kind of
2
SPEAKER_01
unwind and like unhear all of these things.
2
SPEAKER_01
And it s so funny because it s like the people who see potential in you and believe in you, that number was far more than the ones that didn t believe and that try to put me down.
2
SPEAKER_01
But yet those ones are like the loudest voices and they re the hardest that you can t get them out of your head.
2
SPEAKER_01
I think it took me a decade to like get them out of my head.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s really done the work.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, that, that s so true.
2
SPEAKER_03
I mean, the noise of other people s opinions is always louder than all these voices of support and encouragement.
2
SPEAKER_03
And, uh, yeah, Raquel, how about you?
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
So for me, I think, um, having and continuing to remind myself of how big God is and whatever, whoever is listening, you
2
SPEAKER_02
call it God, the universe, a higher power.
2
SPEAKER_02
I think when we have a revelation of just how big that is, it s extremely humbling.
2
SPEAKER_02
And so for me, maybe similar to you, I found myself in a lot of rooms with people where I m like, wow, how did I end up here?
2
SPEAKER_02
And a prayer that I ve always prayed is, God, I don t want to love anything or anyone more than I love you.
2
SPEAKER_02
And so I think when you go into a room, you understand that I m worthy to be here because I am a human being.
2
SPEAKER_02
And we are all worthy.
2
SPEAKER_02
And when you understand the bigness of God, the higher power of the universe, you understand that we all play a small part in this journey of being human.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I think that s really allowed me to overcome imposter syndrome because I do feel worthy.
2
SPEAKER_02
I feel worthy to be in the room with people who maybe I admire, maybe have achieved more than me, but like what an honor I get to learn from them.
2
SPEAKER_02
And, and, um, and I m worthy to be there because I am human.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, that s so beautiful.
2
SPEAKER_03
I love that.
2
SPEAKER_03
That really hit me.
2
SPEAKER_03
I love that.
2
SPEAKER_03
And yeah, and I think for me also, from a practical sense, I ve started to embrace imposter syndrome as a sign that I m growing.
2
SPEAKER_03
And so I find that I ve started to look at imposter syndrome as every time I feel it, it means I m doing something that s uncomfortable.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s challenging.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I will say, I make it a point to surround myself with better.
2
SPEAKER_02
I surround myself with people who are further along
2
SPEAKER_02
than me, who challenged me, who helped me to grow.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I have always been that way because I want to be better.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I don t think we ever arrive.
2
SPEAKER_02
I wrote about it in the book, but I said, Maya Angelou, she did an interview with Oprah in her later years.
2
SPEAKER_02
And she said, I m still learning.
2
SPEAKER_02
I don t know when I know enough.
2
SPEAKER_02
I m still, I ve, I ve learned, you know, a lot where I try to live what I know, but I still am not there.
2
SPEAKER_02
And she was considered to be one of the wisest people in the world.
2
SPEAKER_02
It still is.
2
SPEAKER_02
And so I, I try to remember that.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, absolutely.
2
SPEAKER_03
And Tania, what was yours when, because Raquel looked at you and she was like, you did the work, like what were those 10, and you said it took 10 years, which I feel is a genuine real amount of time.
2
SPEAKER_03
I think a lot of the time today we re like, oh, you can get over imposter syndrome like tomorrow.
2
SPEAKER_03
And it s like, no, it takes years to craft your relationship with how you feel about feeling like an imposter.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I do have to say, I feel like it adds a little bit of fuel to the fire.
2
SPEAKER_01
You know what I mean?
2
SPEAKER_01
Like I think it made me, I would go into a carpet and I...
2
SPEAKER_01
You wouldn t, the amount of prep I did before a carpet was wild.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like I would be, I was doing research.
2
SPEAKER_01
I would watch every single movie, every single TV show, like do the whole background.
2
SPEAKER_01
I really wouldn t prepare because I had that imposter syndrome.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like you re not good enough, you re not good enough.
2
SPEAKER_01
So it made me overachieve, which I think ultimately was a good thing and a blessing.
2
SPEAKER_01
And so I think in a way I tried to kind of
2
SPEAKER_01
turn the narrative of imposter syndrome.
2
SPEAKER_01
And it was, I tried to realize like, oh, this is, this is helping me.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s like fueling me a little bit.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I feel like once I started to change the narrative and you know, I started to grow and I was like, okay.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like I just had to like quiet that voice.
2
SPEAKER_00
When the Taliban banned music in Afghanistan, millions were plunged into silence.
2
SPEAKER_00
Radios were smashed, cassettes burned.
2
SPEAKER_00
You could be beaten or jailed or killed for breaking the rules.
2
SPEAKER_00
And yet, Afghans did it anyway.
2
SPEAKER_00
This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol.
2
SPEAKER_00
The danger they endured.
2
SPEAKER_01
They said my head should be cut off.
2
SPEAKER_00
the joy they brought to the nation.
2
SPEAKER_01
You re free completely.
2
SPEAKER_01
No one is there to destroy you.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m John Legend.
2
SPEAKER_00
Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
3
SPEAKER_00
Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt and we re the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
3
SPEAKER_06
It s a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
3
SPEAKER_00
like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
3
SPEAKER_06
We re back with season two of the podcast, which means more opportunities to glow up and become a more responsible and better adult, one life lesson at a time.
3
SPEAKER_00
And let me just tell you, this show is just as much for us as it is for you.
3
SPEAKER_00
So let s figure this stuff out together.
3
SPEAKER_00
This season, we re going to talk about whether or not we re financially and emotionally ready for dog ownership.
3
SPEAKER_06
We re going to figure out the benefits of a high yield savings account.
3
SPEAKER_00
And what exactly are the duties of being a member of the wedding party?
3
SPEAKER_06
All that plus so much more.
3
SPEAKER_00
Let s learn about all of it and then some.
3
SPEAKER_00
Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
3
SPEAKER_05
Guess what, Mango?
3
SPEAKER_05
What s that, Will?
3
SPEAKER_05
So iHeart is giving us a whole minute to promote our podcast, Part-Time Genius.
3
SPEAKER_04
I know, that s why I spent my whole week composing a haiku for the occasion.
3
SPEAKER_04
It s about my emotional journey in podcasting over the last seven years, and it s called Earthquake House.
3
SPEAKER_05
Mango, I m going to cut you off right there.
3
SPEAKER_04
Why don t we just tell people about our show instead?
3
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, that s a better idea.
3
SPEAKER_04
So every week on Part-Time Genius, we feed our curiosity by answering the world s most important questions.
3
SPEAKER_04
Things like, when did America start dialing 911?
3
SPEAKER_04
is William Shatner s best acting work in Esperanto.
3
SPEAKER_04
Also, what happened to Esperanto?
3
SPEAKER_05
Plus, we cover questions like how Chinese is your Chinese food?
3
SPEAKER_05
How do dollar stores stay in business?
3
SPEAKER_05
And of course, is there an Illuminati of cheese?
3
SPEAKER_04
There absolutely is.
3
SPEAKER_04
And we are risking our lives by talking about it.
3
SPEAKER_04
But if you love mind blowing facts, incredible history and really bad jokes, make your brains happy and tune in to Part Time Genius.
3
SPEAKER_05
Listen to Part Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
I really appreciate that.
3
SPEAKER_03
And I want you to know that I ve always appreciated your energy and being around it.
3
SPEAKER_03
It s great.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
3
SPEAKER_03
It s always been massively infectious and just wonderful.
3
SPEAKER_03
I remember years ago, that s when I remember connecting with you first was when like, I think you told Ryan about Think Like a Monk on one of your episodes.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
And then I was getting hit up with loads of messages about it saying... Oh, that they heard it?
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
And then I think that was like how we first at least connected on Instagram.
3
SPEAKER_03
And to me, it was just...
3
SPEAKER_03
I remember watching that clip back and it was just like, you were so like, Ryan had no idea what it was.
3
SPEAKER_03
Right, right.
3
SPEAKER_03
And you were just so positive about what I was doing.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m very passionate.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, very passionate.
3
SPEAKER_03
Very passionate.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m also like, I think we take ourselves so seriously.
3
SPEAKER_02
I think that it s okay to be silly and to be animated and to like, you know, I find there s so much vulnerability in those moments of life and yet nobody wants to talk about these embarrassing things or, you know, like I used to do when I was dating.
3
SPEAKER_02
uh, I would like set the dinner table for myself and my future partner.
3
SPEAKER_02
Like he wasn t there, but I would, and I would clean out my closet.
3
SPEAKER_02
So there was space for him to come.
3
SPEAKER_02
Like I did all those weird things manifested her entire life.
3
SPEAKER_02
But I m like, I don t take myself too seriously.
3
SPEAKER_02
You know, I m like, if somebody says something works for them, I ll try it, you know, try it.
3
SPEAKER_02
And if it doesn t work for you, it doesn t work.
3
SPEAKER_02
Share the embarrassing moments because we re all, we all have them.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, I can relate to that.
3
SPEAKER_03
I don t think I ve ever talked about this.
3
SPEAKER_03
When I came back from being a monk and I couldn t get a job anywhere, I used to dress up as if I was going to work and I d go to my local library and sit there and read books and apply to jobs.
3
SPEAKER_03
But it was like me going to work, like that feeling of like, I ve got to show up as if I already do.
3
SPEAKER_03
And then I m able to attract them, able to behave better, able to be more professional.
3
SPEAKER_03
And so I love that example that everyone s going to be doing that now.
3
SPEAKER_02
That s going to be the new trend.
3
SPEAKER_03
I m going to see loads of videos of everyone setting up two tables.
3
SPEAKER_02
The setting up of the table was a little bit maybe too far, but I do encourage the creating space.
3
SPEAKER_02
Give yourself a drawer that s just empty in your room and give a big chunk of your closet that s just empty.
3
SPEAKER_02
And I was like, this is me creating space.
3
SPEAKER_02
How am I supposed to bring a man into my life that I desire so much if there s no space for him in here?
3
SPEAKER_02
Like actually no space.
3
SPEAKER_02
There was not an inch of space in this room for somebody to come in.
3
SPEAKER_02
So I created, I left an entire drawer, like a big drawer.
3
SPEAKER_01
I did not know that.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
And now who, who takes up more space?
3
SPEAKER_02
I still take up more space, but there s a lot of space for Ravi and all of his things.
3
SPEAKER_02
He has one drawer.
3
SPEAKER_03
He has one drawer.
3
SPEAKER_03
I m the opposite.
3
SPEAKER_03
I have a way bigger wardrobe than Ravi.
3
SPEAKER_02
It s so bad.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, it s so bad.
3
SPEAKER_02
I love it.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
Ravi is so understanding.
3
SPEAKER_03
So, so supportive.
3
SPEAKER_03
I love it.
3
SPEAKER_03
Alright, the next one that I picked out that I loved, and everyone who s listening, there are a hundred days to finding the hope and joy you want.
3
SPEAKER_03
I m just picking some of my favourite that stood out to me and talking to these incredible authors, Tanya Rad and Raquel Stephens.
3
SPEAKER_03
Authors, yes, exactly.
3
SPEAKER_03
Authors.
3
SPEAKER_03
And of course you can order the book in the comments and caption.
3
SPEAKER_03
All right, this second one which I loved was be true to you.
3
SPEAKER_03
I think this is something that is an idea that we really struggle with because I see this meme and I m sure you both have seen it on like Instagram and TikTok and everywhere and it s it s probably my favorite thing and so it says society says colon be yourself and then society says colon no not like that.
3
SPEAKER_03
Right?
3
SPEAKER_03
It s like, we all live in this world where it s like, be yourself.
3
SPEAKER_03
And then when you be yourself, everyone s like, no, no, no, not like that.
3
SPEAKER_03
Please don t be that version of yourself.
3
SPEAKER_03
And it s like this really interesting idea that we re constantly being told, be true to you.
3
SPEAKER_03
But then when you really see someone in all their authenticity and all their flaws and all their genuineness, we don t like it.
3
SPEAKER_03
We consider it ugly.
3
SPEAKER_03
When the truth is we all have that inside of us.
3
SPEAKER_03
Like we all are that.
3
SPEAKER_03
So how have you both got comfortable with looking at the parts of yourself that make you uncomfortable?
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t want to live my life not accepting those things.
3
SPEAKER_01
So I ve had times in my life where my flaws or my things that I don t maybe love about myself have really, you know, they ve given me anxiety or they ve made me feel badly about myself.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know, when I, especially during my high school years, I was like, you know, do I not look good enough?
3
SPEAKER_01
Am I not this enough?
3
SPEAKER_01
Am I not that enough?
3
SPEAKER_01
And it s like, I m either going to live like that, live insecure,
3
SPEAKER_01
concerned with, you know, maybe more of the external things, or I m going to be so filled up with who God created me to be, which is loved, valuable, accepted, just the way I am.
3
SPEAKER_01
And through doing that and accepting that, and through being myself, I feel like I ve been able to cultivate a life that is authentic to me.
3
SPEAKER_01
I have relationships that are real as a result of being myself, of being true to me.
3
SPEAKER_01
Because if we re not, the other path is not, it s not great.
3
SPEAKER_01
You re going to live constantly anxious.
3
SPEAKER_01
You re going to have surface relationships because you re hiding a part of who you are.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so I think that it takes courage to be vulnerable, but what s on the other side of that is total freedom and real connection and all the things that we really want in life.
3
SPEAKER_02
I think what I have found to be the issue with this is social media.
3
SPEAKER_02
And I love social media.
3
SPEAKER_02
I have a really great relationship with it.
3
SPEAKER_02
I have people that, the people that follow me on Instagram are so encouraging and so lovely.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yes, there s a couple here and there that are negative, but for the most part, it s a really beautiful community for me.
3
SPEAKER_02
But I have realized that I think it s really damaging in many ways because we re playing the comparison game.
3
SPEAKER_02
So it s like, yes, I m going to be true to myself, but
3
SPEAKER_02
everybody is, you know, holding this bag and so I m going to spend all my money to get this bag so I have it in my social media because that s what everybody s doing.
3
SPEAKER_02
And I m not sitting here to say, you know, spend your money how you want, but I think that we ve been wired to kind of chase this unattainable lifestyle that might not be within our means and we re
3
SPEAKER_02
Like I wrote about in the book, being financially fit was really important for me because in saving, and you kind of have to like take that comparison and live your own life because you re going to go into debt trying to keep up with the Joneses when that s not in your means.
3
SPEAKER_02
And so
3
SPEAKER_02
I think the comparison came in that way.
3
SPEAKER_02
I talk a lot about finances because I think it s not talked about, especially with younger women, enough, you know, the importance of saving.
3
SPEAKER_02
And also with all these filters.
3
SPEAKER_02
I remember I wrote a specific chapter about this because it was very alarming.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m 30 years old and I was using this supermodel filter and I loved my face.
3
SPEAKER_02
I was like,
3
SPEAKER_02
And I was like, wow, she s gorgeous.
3
SPEAKER_02
And so I would get, I would look in my, in the mirror and I would get kind of like how, I even went to the point where I took a screenshot of my face with the filter and a screenshot of my face regular, sent it to my friend that s a plastic surgeon and said, what do I need to do to look like this?
3
SPEAKER_02
And he responded with like,
3
SPEAKER_02
I don t even know it now.
3
SPEAKER_02
It was a nose job, cheek fillers, you know, some sort of taking out the fat in my cheek.
3
SPEAKER_02
And I was just like, this is so wild.
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I am a fully developed woman and I m having this conversation right now.
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Imagine how damaging this is for somebody younger and insecure.
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and figuring out who they are.
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And so I kind of made a point right then and there.
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I stopped using filters on Instagram because I was like, I don t want anybody to see me in a different way.
4
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And I also don t want to mess with my own head and like look in the mirror and think, oh, you know, I want to look in the mirror and see myself.
4
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And so I made a really big point to just like stop using the filters.
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And I put a challenge in the book for people to do the same for even just like 24 hours, just to like pose without a filter.
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it s okay, and kind of get used to that.
4
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Because I think the more you are accepting of yourself in every way, social media and not on social media, it just gives you a different sense of confidence, I think.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah, can you show me that filter afterwards?
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It like makes your lips bigger, it makes your face, I m like, I don t know what this is doing.
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No, I love that challenge, by the way.
4
SPEAKER_00
I think that challenge is awesome.
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SPEAKER_00
I love the idea that
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It s obviously, if anyone wants to change the way they look or anything, I don t think anyone here is saying, yeah, I don t think anyone s saying you re not at all.
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I get Botox, I m not against any of it.
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Totally, totally.
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But I think that there s a fine line between looking at yourself and just being sad on a regular basis and just... And almost that distance that s created between
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when you start seeing yourself as someone else on a screen, and then when you start seeing yourself as someone else in the mirror, and that distance gets wider and wider and wider, that s really hard, right?
4
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And if I remember when, so when we were in the monastery, there were no, this is really phenomenal, when we were in the
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Monastery, there s no mirrors.
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So you lose the idea of identity and how you look.
4
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Now you shave your hair and stuff so you don t even have hair to look at or whatever.
4
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But the point is that I would catch myself looking at my reflection when I was like, if I was on the streets,
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and I was walking past a store or a window, I would catch myself looking at my reflection because I was so used to that from before.
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And it was so interesting to me to not look in the mirror for like a big chunk of my life.
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It was just such a fascinating thing of like, you lose that sense of like, that s important and you actually have time to go into it.
4
SPEAKER_00
That s wild, Jake.
4
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Yeah, and so hearing your idea in the same way of like, hey, don t use filters, you actually get more time to get to know yourself, you get more time to love yourself, appreciate yourself and deal with the reality
4
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rather than a false reality that can really mislead you and mess you up when you do look in the mirror and now you re disappointed with how you look.
4
SPEAKER_01
And Facetune is wild.
4
SPEAKER_01
I mean, you can really do some wild things on that.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, you have to be really skilled to use those things.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, but it does, it does like morph.
4
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I don t even try.
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Just imagining.
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No, I m terrible at that stuff.
4
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I m like terrible at all that stuff.
4
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But no, I really love both your answers to that.
4
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And I love that challenge.
4
SPEAKER_00
And the book has more challenges in it.
4
SPEAKER_00
Lots of challenges in the book, yeah.
4
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Which I love, which I love challenges because I think that they re the simple little habit
4
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tricks and hacks that we need in order to learn these very deep, profound lessons.
4
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The other thing I was just saying on an interview that I was doing was the idea of, and I d love everyone to think about this, and I d love you to come up with a challenge for this, maybe live in real time, maybe.
4
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Okay, yeah, let s do it.
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I just came up with this, so ignore me if it s really hard, but we ll try.
4
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And if it goes terribly, we ll cut it out.
4
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So I was talking about, so we talked about the mirror one about me in the monastery, and actually what you re coming up with is like a brilliant challenge for that same principle.
4
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Another thing that I felt I learned while living as a monk was we lost the concept of time because I didn t have to be anything by 25.
4
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Or if I would have stayed longer as a monk, it wasn t like by 30, you have to be married and this, right?
4
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Like, so when I lived as a monk, there was no timeline.
4
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Because once you re a monk, you re a monk, and there was nothing that you had to do at 30, 40, 50.
4
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And obviously, I didn t, I wasn t there for that long.
4
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But you could see the 70 year old monks
4
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We re doing the same thing that the 25-year-old monks are doing.
4
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Like there was no big discrepancy in that.
4
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And so you lose the sense of time.
4
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How do you think we can all let go of that sense of like, well, by 30, I need to be in a relationship, by 40, I need to be a millionaire, by whatever it may be, right?
4
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These timelines that society comes up with, could we all co-create a challenge that helps people lose a sense of time?
4
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It s funny that you bring that up because I think that s something that I really struggle with.
4
SPEAKER_00
Right.
4
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Like very much so, you know, I thought I was gonna be married with kids at 25.
4
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And so when that didn t happen, I was like, Oh, you know what?
4
SPEAKER_02
And I have some, I want you to share an example that you have told me before.
4
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Cause I think it s really good.
4
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I think that, um, there s a scripture that I love and it says, talks about like content with little content with much, you know, it talks about being content with whatever circumstance you re in.
4
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And I think what s interesting is that we can be like, Oh, I just really want to be
4
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be married, I really want a partner.
4
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And then you talk to your married friends and they re like, enjoy your single life, whatever.
4
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You talk to people with kids, you re like, I want kids.
4
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And they re like, Oh, enjoy having no kids.
4
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And you know, I think that each season of life is so beautiful and unique in its own way.
4
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And I think when we make a choice to just be happy and grateful for right now, and it s like, okay, I m single.
4
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I don t have kids.
4
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I have my freedom.
4
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I can pick up and do whatever I want.
4
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at any time, like that is a blessing for right now.
4
SPEAKER_02
But Tanya got a direct message from someone, tell him the story and everybody the story.
4
SPEAKER_00
That was beautiful by the way Raquel, that really, that s such a, I love that.
4
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Content with little, content with much.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, that s beautiful.
4
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And it is so important to appreciate the season that you re in because I think I was never shy about the fact that I wanted to be married, I want to have kids, and that s a desire of my heart.
4
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So like I would pursue that like I pursued my career.
4
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When I tell you I went on probably 200 dates in seven years, I went on probably more.
4
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And I really gave it my all.
4
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I pursued it just as hard as I pursued my career.
4
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And it s funny because I think God did this... He purposefully gave me a very long single season because I would not have pursued my career the way that I did had I been in a romantic relationship.
4
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And I know that about myself because I go, I m all in.
4
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I m all in on my relationship right now and I love it.
4
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It s the best season ever.
4
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But had this been
4
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10 years ago, I wouldn t have been able to build what I did.
4
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And so I know God was like, I see you.
4
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I know I m going to fulfill the desire of your heart, maybe not in the time that you think.
4
SPEAKER_01
And it s interesting because I got this DM, and I had spent the day.
4
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I went on a nine-mile run, and I was cleaning out my apartment, and I was saging, and I was on Instagram and just saying what I was doing for the day.
4
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And I was going through a breakup.
4
SPEAKER_01
So I was heartbroken, and I was really sad, and I wasn t shy about it.
4
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And some woman.
4
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responded to me and she said, I would give anything to trade lives with you right now.
4
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I am currently breastfeeding one baby, potty training another that s peeing all over the floor while I m making my husband breakfast.
4
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I would give anything to be in your situation right now.
4
SPEAKER_01
And here she is with the life that I desire.
4
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And she s saying she wants to switch places with me.
4
SPEAKER_01
And so it was such like a direct message from God that like, you re where you re supposed to be.
4
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Enjoy this moment.
4
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Enjoy the season.
4
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It s not going to be like this forever.
4
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You know, seasons don t last forever.
4
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They are seasons for a reason.
4
SPEAKER_01
And so it was like very timely, that message.
4
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Wow.
4
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Yeah.
4
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I guess a challenge could be, think about your life today and where you re at and what you re grateful for.
4
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So maybe write it down.
4
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I m, if I m single, I have my freedom.
4
SPEAKER_02
I can go to bed when I want.
4
SPEAKER_02
I can go to the store if I want to.
4
SPEAKER_02
I can go meet a friend.
4
SPEAKER_02
Um,
4
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If you have kids, think about, you know, things that you re grateful for with your kids, with your husband.
4
SPEAKER_02
And so maybe the challenge is, you know, I m grateful for this right now, instead of focusing on future.
4
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I want more of this.
4
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I want a better job.
4
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I want, you know.
4
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partner, boyfriend, husband, kid, like just think about it s, it s gratitude, right?
4
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And I think gratitude eliminates angst about the future.
4
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But I also think I remember reading this in your first books.
4
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It was about not attaching your happiness to like things to, to the title or the whatever, you know what I mean?
4
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It s like attaching your happiness to this like
4
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state of mind and like relationships and that stuff, that is what life is about.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, no, I love what you re both saying.
4
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I think the Freaky Friday moment s really interesting, like this idea of like switching lives with someone that you think has it all and if you were able to do that.
4
SPEAKER_00
most of us, you know, maybe would backtrack to some degree or there d be some more appreciation for our life, even if, and of course that s, that s different depending on how different those examples are.
4
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But I think also it s different for women because we do have like a biological clock.
4
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So there is like that little timeline and I ve, I ve been kind of dealing with that a little bit lately, but I think now there s so many resources, there s so much you can do.
4
SPEAKER_01
I know women that are having babies on their own, you know, they couldn t find a partner and so they re just doing it on their own.
4
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And I think,
4
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it s such a liberating time to be a woman.
4
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And so I think all of these things are slowly starting to like become less of a time
5
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Yeah, yeah, definitely.
5
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And I agree with you.
5
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I think that, you know, I think the pressure to do something because of just time and you re right as a woman, definitely you experience it far more.
5
SPEAKER_03
And it s, I talk to Radhi about this all the time and it s, it s such a, yeah, it s a challenge, but I like that challenge Raquel of like,
5
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figuring out what you currently have that you once dreamed of.
5
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Like it s almost like what do you currently have that you really wanted?
5
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Because there was a time, like you re saying, that you would have really pursued the career.
5
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Now you have the career and you re pursuing the next thing.
5
SPEAKER_03
And it s like, but what do I have right now that I once really wished for?
5
SPEAKER_03
It could be as small as I get a bit of free time.
5
SPEAKER_03
It could be as big as I have the career I want.
5
SPEAKER_03
It could be as huge as I have the partner and the kids, whatever it is.
5
SPEAKER_02
I can run a mile today.
5
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I can run a mile today.
5
SPEAKER_02
It can be so small.
5
SPEAKER_01
Exactly.
5
SPEAKER_01
And one more thing too that I want to say as well, which touches on all of this and helps with it and is actually the reason that we wrote the book is that the best advice I could give to anyone is to prioritize your inner life.
5
SPEAKER_01
Because when your inner life is strong, you can handle anything that comes your way.
5
SPEAKER_01
So those seasons where you re like really wishing and hoping for that thing and you don t have it yet, your inner life is what sustains you.
5
SPEAKER_01
When you get the job, when you have the partner that you ve always wanted, it humbles you and it fills you with gratitude as opposed to ego and arrogance.
5
SPEAKER_01
and everything in between, when your inner life, when your spirit s strong, even in the mundane moments, that s what gives you inspiration, fills you with awe.
5
SPEAKER_01
And so I think just the best life advice for anyone at any age is prioritize your inner life.
5
SPEAKER_01
That will fill you up to be able to handle anything that comes your way.
5
SPEAKER_03
Absolutely, absolutely.
5
SPEAKER_03
I have something that I often repeat to myself and others, which is when things are bad, work hard, but when things are good, work harder.
5
SPEAKER_03
And I mean that on your internal self.
5
SPEAKER_03
When things are good externally, it s really easy to forget that actually you re only able to have this amazing external experience because of the inner work that you did like years ago or months ago.
5
SPEAKER_03
And then when things are great, you like stop doing the inner work.
5
SPEAKER_03
And then all of a sudden, now you re in a cloudy season and that, because you didn t do the inner work in the last season, it s not protecting you.
5
SPEAKER_03
And so I, yeah, I love that.
5
SPEAKER_03
And if that s the heart of the book, I think, you know, it really, I would, I would love that.
5
SPEAKER_03
I know our community does that.
5
SPEAKER_03
Everyone who listens to On Purpose is such a inner work person.
5
SPEAKER_03
And I m glad that they now have a hundred new ways of doing that.
5
SPEAKER_03
One of the other ones, I ve got a few more if you don t mind.
5
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, let s go for it, we re having a great time.
5
SPEAKER_03
I want to talk about this one because I think it s a big one.
5
SPEAKER_03
Be done with shame, right?
5
SPEAKER_03
This one was like, this one really stood out to me because I think shame and guilt are things all of us carry in so many different ways.
5
SPEAKER_03
They weigh us down.
5
SPEAKER_03
They let us potentially push someone away that we love.
5
SPEAKER_03
They block us from receiving love.
5
SPEAKER_03
Shame and guilt are just this,
5
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huge what looks like a shield but actually is just a barrier and keeping things out and not letting us be ourselves and not letting people love us.
5
SPEAKER_03
Talk to me about what shame and guilt has blocked in your life and how you ve changed your relationship with shame and guilt.
5
SPEAKER_00
A new season of Bridgerton is here.
5
SPEAKER_00
And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m your host, Gabrielle Collins.
5
SPEAKER_00
And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the ton.
5
SPEAKER_00
Colin Bridgerton has returned from his travels abroad.
5
SPEAKER_00
Is Betrothal written in the stars for the eligible bachelor?
5
SPEAKER_00
Meanwhile, the ton is reverberating with speculation of who holds Lady Whistledown s pen.
5
SPEAKER_00
We re discussing it all.
5
SPEAKER_00
I sit down with Nicola Coughlin, Luke Newton, Shonda Rhimes, and more to offer an exclusive peek behind the scenes of each episode of the new season.
5
SPEAKER_00
Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
5
SPEAKER_00
Then, fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
5
SPEAKER_00
Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, so Brene Brown talks about shame as shame is I am bad, and guilt is I ve done something bad.
5
SPEAKER_01
And guilt can be a good thing, right?
5
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Makes us not repeat the same mistakes.
5
SPEAKER_01
But shame is a deep, deep belief of I m bad.
5
SPEAKER_01
Again, that s really powerful.
5
SPEAKER_01
It s so good.
5
SPEAKER_01
I know.
5
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Brené Brown describes two things, shame and guilt.
5
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Shame is I am bad.
5
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Guilt is I ve done something bad.
5
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Guilt can be good and healthy because it helps us to not make the same mistakes again.
5
SPEAKER_01
Shame is
5
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extremely difficult and heartbreaking because it s a deep belief of, I am bad.
5
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I m not good enough.
5
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I m not this enough.
5
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I m not that enough.
5
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And when we live our lives from a place of shame, we miss out on being our true authentic self.
5
SPEAKER_01
And so I almost could cry talking about it because shame it, you know, in friends that I ve close friends that I have that have experienced shame, it breaks my heart because you can see, you know, it s debilitating.
5
SPEAKER_01
And in my own life areas where I ve felt some shame, maybe I ll go back to high school, maybe, you know, other girls getting the boyfriend or this or that, me not feeling pretty enough, for example,
5
SPEAKER_01
you have to do the inner work, right?
5
SPEAKER_01
Because it s like, that s not true.
5
SPEAKER_01
It s like, I am beautiful.
5
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God s created me exactly the way that I am, um, meant to be.
5
SPEAKER_01
And if I go on to carry that shame, then that s going to affect me.
5
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It s going to affect me when I m out on dates, it s going to affect, you know, how I see myself.
5
SPEAKER_01
And that, um, is extremely detrimental.
5
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And so you get through shame through first acknowledging it.
5
SPEAKER_01
being able to speak it aloud, maybe to a trusted friend.
5
SPEAKER_01
And then you pray about it, or you meditate on it.
5
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And that s when you do the inner work of like, okay, God, universe helped me to see myself as you see me, beautiful, wonderful, made exactly the way that I was created to be.
5
SPEAKER_01
And
5
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It takes time and it takes work.
5
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Tanya s really big on visual, like seeing things visual.
5
SPEAKER_01
So she ll, you ve told me before about your body, you ll write on the mirror.
5
SPEAKER_01
I am this, I am beautiful.
5
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I am this and seeing it and speaking that over yourself.
5
SPEAKER_01
So when negative thoughts come, I m, you know, I m, I don t like my love handles or whatever.
5
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It s like, I m beautiful.
5
SPEAKER_01
My love handles are beautiful and speaking truth over yourself.
5
SPEAKER_01
And that is how you come against shame.
5
Wow.
5
SPEAKER_03
That s a great explanation.
5
SPEAKER_03
Thanks Raquel.
5
SPEAKER_01
I mean, I could, we could do a whole podcast on shame because I literally, I m like getting emotional thinking about it right now because I could cry.
5
SPEAKER_01
It breaks my heart.
5
SPEAKER_01
It s like, I just live in that.
5
SPEAKER_01
I can t believe I m going to start crying on Jay Shetty s podcast right now.
5
SPEAKER_01
But I, my friends that I, and you can see it on people and you can feel it off of them and it holds them back.
5
SPEAKER_01
And that s why I care a lot actually about, we want to take this book into schools and into junior highs and high schools because kids that are dealing with shame, their brains are still developing, whereas it s a lot harder when you re adult.
5
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I think about my friends that are adults and they are, are experiencing that shame.
5
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It s a lot harder to move forward and, and change those
5
SPEAKER_01
negative self beliefs, but when you re younger, it s, it s easier because your, your brains aren t fully developed.
5
SPEAKER_01
So it is possible.
5
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Everyone can do the work.
5
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Everyone can heal and change, but it absolutely breaks my heart.
5
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And, and for anybody who s listening, who feels shame about something in their life, maybe they haven t ever shared with anybody.
5
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It s like,
5
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it doesn t matter what it is, you are enough.
5
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Nobody is ever too far gone.
5
SPEAKER_01
There s a mistake you ve made, there s nothing you ve done that can t be healed and it s just... Yeah, and the difference that she expressed from Brene Brown, the difference between guilt and shame is so powerful because it is.
5
SPEAKER_02
It s like we all make mistakes, we all trip, we all fall, and being able to kind of
5
SPEAKER_02
like, speak on that guilt, pray about it, I made that mistake and I don t want to live in that mistake and moving forward with my life, like, is so, there s so much power in that that I think a lot of people don t know how to get to the other side.
5
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_03
And I think often we stop other people moving on with their guilt because we re still stopping ourselves from moving on from our guilt.
5
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_03
And it s like an insecurity when we see someone say, I m going to leave my shame behind, guilt helped me grow.
5
SPEAKER_03
And we can t deal with that because we haven t done that for ourselves.
5
SPEAKER_03
So powerful.
5
SPEAKER_03
And I m putting out there too, I think this book would make a great book club book.
5
SPEAKER_03
I could see a lot of people reading it together, reflecting on a lot of these ideas, doing these challenges together.
5
SPEAKER_03
Like it s a very practical book and I m a big fan of practical books because I think that it s not just a book that you re going to read on your own.
5
SPEAKER_03
Hopefully there s a book that you grab for your friends.
5
SPEAKER_03
You re going to read it together.
5
SPEAKER_03
You re going to
5
SPEAKER_03
discuss all these, even in the way us three are.
5
SPEAKER_03
I find this really therapeutic.
5
SPEAKER_03
And I feel like I m in therapy right now.
5
SPEAKER_03
Even me, but even me, I feel like I m opening up because you guys are opening up and there s these beautiful themes that you ve selected in the book that everyone can relate to.
5
SPEAKER_03
Everything we ve all said is stuff that we re all dealing with in very unique, different ways.
5
SPEAKER_02
Totally.
6
SPEAKER_00
there.
6
SPEAKER_00
Okay, I ve got a couple more that I want to pick.
6
SPEAKER_00
I really like this one because it s obviously linked to my new book, Eight Rules of Love.
6
SPEAKER_00
And I love that this comes up in your book.
6
SPEAKER_00
So it s prioritized character over chemistry.
6
SPEAKER_00
And I love this because, you know, I m a, I m a big romantic.
6
SPEAKER_00
I m a big fan of chemistry.
6
SPEAKER_00
And I m also just a big fan of love.
6
SPEAKER_00
Like I m obsessed with it.
6
SPEAKER_00
I m, I m kind of like you in the sense of
6
SPEAKER_00
I always had this obsession with wanting to be madly in love, wanting to be married, wanting to have this amazing relationship.
6
SPEAKER_00
That was a big part of what I wanted when I was a kid.
6
SPEAKER_00
And then I married someone who doesn t like PDA, who isn t a romantic.
6
SPEAKER_00
It s been amazing.
6
SPEAKER_00
It s so much growth in a beautiful way.
6
SPEAKER_02
Totally, totally.
6
SPEAKER_00
Um, but I love this idea of character over chemistry.
6
SPEAKER_00
And I wanted you to describe, uh, and maybe Tanya, you can start with this one, but it s like, what is the, what is the difference?
6
SPEAKER_00
And then what did you mean by this?
6
SPEAKER_02
So I was at a friend s wedding.
6
SPEAKER_02
This was a while ago.
6
SPEAKER_02
And the guy that was officiating the wedding, the pastor, said it was a Bible verse, and it was all about prioritizing character over chemistry.
6
SPEAKER_02
And he said, chemistry can lead to
6
SPEAKER_02
some healthy, you know, couple good years of marriage.
6
SPEAKER_02
Character is what s going to last you a lifetime in a marriage.
6
SPEAKER_02
And I started thinking about that.
6
SPEAKER_02
And it s so true when you re dating.
6
SPEAKER_02
Chemistry is the first thing that we all
6
SPEAKER_02
just we all cling to, you know, I want to make out with you.
6
SPEAKER_02
I like, you know, I m very physically attracted to you.
6
SPEAKER_02
Chemistry is what takes the dating world, you know, to the next step, but it s the character.
6
SPEAKER_02
You can have chemistry with somebody and that chem, but that s going to fizzle.
6
SPEAKER_02
It s like a fire.
6
SPEAKER_02
It s going to burn out, but character is what lasts a lifetime.
6
SPEAKER_02
And so that s what I found to be so interesting when I was in my dating
6
SPEAKER_02
world because it was, I was prioritizing the chemistry.
6
SPEAKER_02
It was like, oh no, I don t want to go out with him because like, I don t want to make out with him.
6
SPEAKER_02
You know, like that was always my go-to is like, was I physically attracted to him?
6
SPEAKER_02
And yes, I think that is important obviously in a relationship, but I don t think it is the number one thing.
6
SPEAKER_02
And I think if you meet someone or you know
6
SPEAKER_02
If a friend s trying to set you up and they re like, this is a really quality person.
6
SPEAKER_02
They have a really great character.
6
SPEAKER_02
I think it s totally worth going out with because that s what s going to last the lifetime, I think.
6
SPEAKER_02
And that s something that I always say about my boyfriend right now.
6
SPEAKER_02
His character is like- I met him too.
6
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
6
SPEAKER_00
He s the best.
6
SPEAKER_00
He s awesome.
6
SPEAKER_00
He s great.
6
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
6
SPEAKER_02
He is just, his character is so strong.
6
SPEAKER_02
He s got great energy.
6
SPEAKER_02
He s been through so much in his life and you wouldn t even know it because he puts it like he just carries himself so well.
6
SPEAKER_02
He doesn t bring past experiences into his new relationship.
6
SPEAKER_02
He just has such a strong character.
6
SPEAKER_02
And I think that, and we obviously have chemistry too, but the character is what trumps everything.
6
SPEAKER_02
Like it is just, it s so important.
6
SPEAKER_02
And I think when you re dating, remembering that is like so crucial.
6
SPEAKER_00
So I want to ask you, in those 200 dates you went on, which by the way is inspiring.
6
SPEAKER_00
And I want you to talk about that because I have so many friends right now who struggle with dating, are scared of dating.
6
SPEAKER_00
I was literally talking to a friend, you know who you are, if you re listening to this episode.
6
SPEAKER_00
I sent a voice note late last night to a friend saying, dude, this guy, I was like, you just need, I was like, dude, you literally need,
6
SPEAKER_00
to meet this person because I don t see what you don t like about her.
6
SPEAKER_00
And if you don t go out on a date, you re not going to know anything.
6
SPEAKER_00
You can t decide based on a picture in someone s bio of who they are.
6
SPEAKER_00
So I was just saying, you need to get out there.
6
SPEAKER_00
And I think so many people today, and we have to be honest, the pandemic set us back with social interaction, social anxiety when our people are
6
SPEAKER_00
scared of meeting people, people are forgotten how to have conversation, people may not be as confident with who they are anymore.
6
SPEAKER_00
Like we can t ignore that.
6
SPEAKER_00
How did you, first of all, how did you find the courage, inspiration to go out on 200 dates like every time?
6
SPEAKER_00
Because I think people go out on one or five or seven and they re tired.
6
SPEAKER_00
It s exhausting.
6
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_02
And it s very disheartening.
6
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_00
So, so let s talk about that first.
6
SPEAKER_00
And then the second part I m going to ask you is, oh no, I ll save the second question and then Raquel, I m coming to you in a second.
6
SPEAKER_02
I d love to talk to her about dating.
6
SPEAKER_02
Um, I think the thing that, uh, I was like the one hit wonder.
6
SPEAKER_02
I ll go out with anybody once because I m with you.
6
SPEAKER_02
Like you don t know if you re going to get along with somebody.
6
SPEAKER_02
You can only tell so much on a photo and a bio.
6
SPEAKER_02
So I would always say yes to a first date.
6
SPEAKER_00
Um, but I didn t matter what, no, even if you didn t like their picture, even if you weren t attractive.
6
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I would go out, but I didn t go on very many second dates.
6
SPEAKER_02
I m very quick to know, and so I would know it s not gonna happen.
6
SPEAKER_02
So when I say 200, it was just like, I would just keep it moving, keep it moving.
6
SPEAKER_02
There were a couple in there that I would date a couple months here and there, and I think the longest I dated somebody was six months.
6
SPEAKER_02
So they re like little heartbreaks throughout the whole, and it is, it s disheartening, it s just like,
6
SPEAKER_02
Is he out there?
6
SPEAKER_02
Like I thought this was going to be him.
6
SPEAKER_02
And then it turns out, you know, this guy, like I dated when I tell you the stories and that s why I wrote the dating book because I m like, it s, it feels like a movie.
6
SPEAKER_02
Some of these things, I met a guy in Wilshire Boulevard, rolled down his window, asked me on a date, went out with him.
6
SPEAKER_02
He was totally, yeah.
6
SPEAKER_02
She really said yes.
6
SPEAKER_01
I really said yes.
6
SPEAKER_02
But time after time, it does get very disheartening, but I always had this journal.
6
SPEAKER_02
It s called My Dear Future Husband Journal.
6
SPEAKER_02
And after really bad dates, I would come home and I would just write in it.
6
SPEAKER_00
Okay, that s the book.
6
SPEAKER_00
My Dear Future Husband.
6
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, that s part two.
6
SPEAKER_00
No, no, that s your dating book, is what I m saying.
6
SPEAKER_00
My Dear Future Husband.
6
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, but I would always look at, I would write about hope and the hope that I had for this man.
6
SPEAKER_02
I knew it was out there because when God puts a desire in your heart, he fulfills it.
6
SPEAKER_02
Again, it might not be on your timetable, but it s such a strong desire of my heart to have a partner, to share a life, to be married, to have a family.
6
SPEAKER_02
And so I knew he was going to fulfill it.
6
SPEAKER_02
So I would write to my future husband,
6
SPEAKER_02
just, I would just write to him in this journal after every bad day.
6
SPEAKER_02
And it kind of kept me out of that mindset of this sucks.
6
SPEAKER_02
There s nobody out there like, uh, our guys really like, you know, I mean, I, it was everything under the sun.
6
SPEAKER_02
So that journal really helped me keep hope alive in my life.
6
SPEAKER_02
Um, so that s kind of how I navigated the,
6
SPEAKER_02
Cool.
6
SPEAKER_00
All right, Raquel, I m coming to you and then I m coming back to you for a question.
6
SPEAKER_00
Raquel, all right.
6
SPEAKER_00
So, no, well, I guess the question s about obviously this character of a chemistry piece and you know, you ve, you know, you ve talked about this before, just about how like dating and relationships are sacred to you and it s hard.
6
SPEAKER_00
Like you, you, you re not, you don t just dive in and, you know, you re very careful and composed and like, again, you know, I think you re such an accomplished person internally and externally.
6
SPEAKER_00
And society, and I talk a lot about this in my book, where society has made us believe that we re inadequate if we re not with someone.
6
SPEAKER_01
Absolutely, yeah.
6
SPEAKER_00
And I completely disagree with that, obviously.
6
SPEAKER_00
So do I, yeah.
6
SPEAKER_00
You have another section in this book which is all about the power of finding solitude.
6
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_00
Which I love, which I m such a big proponent of.
6
SPEAKER_00
And even in Tanya s case, she was talking about how like being single was so important for her now being together.
6
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_00
And she was able to achieve things.
6
SPEAKER_00
How have you made peace with that part in your life where that s something you re figuring out, it s not something that s worked out, but you re not disqualifying yourself because of it.
6
SPEAKER_00
You re not making it reflect on who you are.
6
SPEAKER_00
And obviously, as I m saying, I know who you are and anyone I m just throwing out there would be lucky to be with Raquel.
6
SPEAKER_00
Truly, truly, and I mean that.
6
SPEAKER_00
And I ve always said that to you, like off camera, like you know that.
6
SPEAKER_00
And so, but you re someone who s patient and getting it right.
6
SPEAKER_00
So like, how do you deal with that as we re dealing with all this other noise as well?
6
SPEAKER_01
Great question.
6
SPEAKER_01
So first of all, character over chemistry every day.
6
SPEAKER_01
I completely agree with everything that Tanya said.
6
SPEAKER_01
You can find a lot of people that you have chemistry with, but you want to be with the person of character.
6
SPEAKER_01
That s what s going to lead to a peaceful life.
6
SPEAKER_01
I have not dated seriously in the last 10 years, which I think can be really surprising to people because they re like, you re in your twenties, it s, you know, you re prime and, and you re not dating.
6
SPEAKER_01
And it is something that I take extremely seriously.
6
SPEAKER_01
So,
6
SPEAKER_01
I do go on dates and I m open to it, but unless something truly feels right and I see the person as a person of integrity, a person of character, time is too precious and I will not invest my time in someone that I don t feel is right for me.
6
SPEAKER_01
Through not dating, I ve been able to have an amazing time in my 20s with my friends and building a career and traveling and living a great, very fulfilled life as a single person.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I feel enough and whole on my own.
6
SPEAKER_01
So for me to be with someone, which I would love to be with someone, I would like to find a partner of character, someone that together we are stronger.
6
SPEAKER_01
I love that saying, you know, two are stronger than one.
6
SPEAKER_01
I would absolutely love that, but I am totally content and at peace
6
SPEAKER_01
in the meantime, and I m open to it.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I think that, you know, you re right, there is a lot of pressure on people to feel like, Oh, I m not enough if I don t have a partner.
6
SPEAKER_01
But of course, we are, we re individuals.
6
SPEAKER_01
And we are, you know, the truth is, you re born alone, and you die alone.
6
SPEAKER_01
And so your relationship with you is, is the most important thing to prioritize.
6
SPEAKER_01
And when you prioritize that, then you re going to be the best version of yourself.
7
SPEAKER_01
for when that partner does come along.
7
SPEAKER_02
But I do think it s like so important for people to hear that because I do think that there are a lot of people, myself included, if I looked at myself at 21, I didn t think I could function without a, I was, I was just jumping from relationship to relationship.
7
SPEAKER_02
I didn t want to be alone.
7
SPEAKER_02
And when I was single, I was able, like I, I lived alone for the first time and I, you know, I started investing my money and like, you know, things that I just never thought that I would,
7
SPEAKER_02
do or what I could do on my own.
7
SPEAKER_02
You know, like I always say, like I m a modern woman and I really feel like I developed this strong sense of self.
7
SPEAKER_02
And now that I, I do have a partner, he, it does, it just, it s like, um, it is, it s just, she s made me stronger as a person and my life better.
7
SPEAKER_02
But I feel like it s so important because if you just attach yourself to somebody, cause you don t want to be single, it can lead you down a bad path.
7
SPEAKER_02
You know, it s not going to lead you to your potential if you re just dating somebody because you don t want to be alone.
7
SPEAKER_02
I think you need to date someone
7
SPEAKER_02
to elevate you.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, yeah.
7
SPEAKER_00
And I think it s so right.
7
SPEAKER_00
I think when you run from relationship to relationship to relationship, that s when you fall in love instead of growing in love.
7
SPEAKER_00
And I think for anyone like, I ve been with Radhi now for nearly 10 years and it s been more growth than falling.
7
SPEAKER_01
I like that fall and grow.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it s like we fell in love, sure.
7
SPEAKER_00
That statement has always, I ve always wanted to fall in love.
7
SPEAKER_00
So that s,
7
SPEAKER_00
But that s because of Hollywood and that s because of movies and music.
7
SPEAKER_00
That s not because of me.
7
SPEAKER_00
When now as someone who believes I m in love with someone who s in love with me, we re growing every day.
7
SPEAKER_00
We don t fall more deeply in love together.
7
SPEAKER_00
Like we grow more deeply in love.
7
SPEAKER_00
There s so much more evolution and learning.
7
SPEAKER_00
And it s really interesting.
7
SPEAKER_00
I was talking about this the other day that so many people feel like enjoyment is the peak of a relationship.
7
SPEAKER_00
And I d actually say like,
7
SPEAKER_00
the amount you ve grown together and evolved together is like the peak of a relationship because it makes life easier rather than just pleasure.
7
SPEAKER_00
Not saying there isn t any, kind of like the chemistry and character point.
7
SPEAKER_00
I want to go back to both of you on that because I fully agree with you too.
7
SPEAKER_00
How do you discern character?
7
SPEAKER_00
Because I think a lot of people say, I know if I m attracted to someone, right?
7
SPEAKER_00
I know if we have a bit of a spark because we re going back and forth and there s, you know, distress and excitement, but characters like, how do you know?
7
SPEAKER_00
Because character is such a big word.
7
SPEAKER_00
Uh, you know, we always hear these scary stories about, I was dating this guy and then he had a whole nother family, like in another state.
7
SPEAKER_00
Right?
7
SPEAKER_00
Like, I don t know.
7
SPEAKER_00
I hear stuff like this all the time.
7
SPEAKER_02
Every true crime podcast starts out with like,
7
SPEAKER_02
this shady boyfriend.
7
SPEAKER_00
I m like, oh, no, no, no.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
7
SPEAKER_00
Or like, or like you find out that, you know, this person isn t everything they said they were.
7
SPEAKER_00
They didn t have that much money or whatever it was.
7
SPEAKER_00
Or like, well, they didn t look like whatever.
7
SPEAKER_00
Like there s just so many.
7
SPEAKER_00
And of course.
7
SPEAKER_02
Tinder swindler.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
7
SPEAKER_00
Wild.
7
SPEAKER_00
Those are all extreme scenarios.
7
SPEAKER_00
Right.
7
SPEAKER_00
So I don t want to put that out there.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
7
SPEAKER_00
Make everyone feel like, oh my God, everyone you meet, but you have to be skeptical and you have to get a private investigator or something like that.
7
SPEAKER_00
Um,
7
SPEAKER_00
But I guess my point is, how have you learned to discern character when you are meeting people and when you were dating?
7
SPEAKER_00
And I would love to hear it from someone who s gone through that process more recently than me.
7
SPEAKER_02
I think the way that they handle, obviously the first meeting, offering to pick you up or, you know, like offering to pick you up, but also saying if you re more comfortable to meet there, but like that gesture, seeing if they want to come to you, how do they treat the people at the restaurant?
7
SPEAKER_02
You know, how do they treat the waiter?
7
SPEAKER_02
How do they treat the hostess?
7
SPEAKER_02
you know, um, when they re speaking about their life and their passions and other people, are they talking badly about other people?
7
SPEAKER_02
Do they have a, a sense of spirit or, you know what I mean?
7
SPEAKER_02
Like, I think it s just being super like lasered in on how they re, you know, like on a first date, there s only so much you can tell, but I feel like you can also still tell a lot.
7
SPEAKER_01
Well, and I think I m really big on looking at the fruit of people s life.
7
SPEAKER_01
And I think what I mean by that is who are their friends?
7
SPEAKER_01
Who do they surround themselves with?
7
SPEAKER_01
Um, are they generous?
7
SPEAKER_01
It doesn t have to be with money.
7
SPEAKER_01
Are they generous with their relationships?
7
SPEAKER_01
Are they generous with their time?
7
SPEAKER_01
Um, but I think who people have around them says a lot about a person.
7
SPEAKER_01
So if you meet someone and you meet the friends or not,
7
SPEAKER_01
They re not really cutting it, you know what I mean?
7
SPEAKER_01
Or there s certain things that feel a little bit off, then that s a sign.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, those are great.
7
SPEAKER_00
I love all of those.
7
SPEAKER_00
So everyone who s listening and watching, write those down because they re so awesome.
7
SPEAKER_00
Take a screenshot of where we are on the episode right now because all of those are such great ways to know character.
7
SPEAKER_00
Some of mine that I love is I want to see someone when they re tired, stressed, and irritated.
7
SPEAKER_00
I feel like when I see someone, and that doesn t make me decide whether they re a good person or a bad person, because by the way, I m really not nice when I m irritated.
7
SPEAKER_00
But it s like, I want to see someone with those emotions, because that s like really seeing their character.
7
SPEAKER_00
When you see people in a date, in an interview format, they re rarely tired, stressed or fatigued.
7
SPEAKER_00
And when you see someone who s feeling those things, like I remember when I first saw Radhi in those ways, or Radhi saw me in those ways, it was healthy for us to actually get to know the kind of like,
7
SPEAKER_00
the reality of certain emotions you are going to feel if you end up with someone.
7
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, those don t come out for a while.
7
SPEAKER_01
I think that character, it s not tested in our good moments.
7
SPEAKER_01
It is tested in our bad moments.
7
SPEAKER_01
That s a true sign of somebody s character.
7
SPEAKER_02
But I think you can figure that out on a date.
7
SPEAKER_02
You know what I mean?
7
SPEAKER_02
I think also like learning, when you re learning about somebody, you can really kind of ask questions.
7
SPEAKER_02
And I feel like, I remember when I was dating, I was very aware of, of my mishaps and my patterns that were
7
SPEAKER_02
toxic and dating and, you know what I mean?
7
SPEAKER_02
Like being able to share that with somebody and like being vulnerable, like, you know, I used to do this a lot and I would, you know, kind of being vulnerable in that way.
7
SPEAKER_02
And then just kind of seeing how they also dealt with, you know, adversity in their life, I think is also a true testament to care.
7
SPEAKER_00
Before we get to the final five, is there a question I haven t asked you or something that s on your heart?
7
SPEAKER_00
Both of you are such heart-centered, deep people that I want to make sure that if there s anything intuitively that s within you that you really want to share with the On Purpose community, is there something that s on your mind or heart that I haven t asked you or you really want to share that you d like to share?
7
SPEAKER_01
our hope with, right, it s, it s hard work to write a book, you know?
7
SPEAKER_01
And so our hope is really that, that people would read it and you know, they would feel like they re reading along with two friends and that they would know that they re not alone.
7
SPEAKER_01
And I m not just saying that as something to say, like, whatever you re facing in life, you are not alone.
7
SPEAKER_01
And so, um,
7
SPEAKER_01
you know, we welcome people sending us, you know, direct messages or you want to send an email if you, you know, you have questions or even if you want prayer for something like, you know, I m here and we re here and we are all in this journey together on this journey together.
7
SPEAKER_01
And I think that it can be easy to turn on the news or to look at our world today and feel very discouraged and think this is,
7
SPEAKER_01
not the sunshine mind.
7
SPEAKER_01
This is a dark world.
7
SPEAKER_01
There s a lot of unrest, but the truth is there is way more good in the world than there is bad.
7
SPEAKER_01
And sometimes you have to fight a little bit for it, but it is possible to live life with what we call the sunshine mind.
7
SPEAKER_01
And I hope that people through reading this can feel that from our writing.
7
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I really do.
7
SPEAKER_02
I hope that there are tangible things that people can take away.
7
SPEAKER_02
We wrote in there, live life through hope colored glasses, because I think oftentimes it s easier to look at the negative and go down a dark path.
7
SPEAKER_02
And I think that we choose hope, we choose joy.
7
SPEAKER_02
And it s not to belittle people that have strong feelings and things that are going on in their lives.
7
SPEAKER_02
But I think on the daily, you can really
7
SPEAKER_02
you can kind of train your brain to look at life in a different way.
7
SPEAKER_02
And so I hope people find that.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, so beautiful.
7
SPEAKER_00
And again, the book is called The Sunshine Mind, 100 Days to Finding the Hope and Joy You Want.
7
SPEAKER_00
Tanya Rad and Raquel Stephens, make sure you follow them again.
7
SPEAKER_00
If you don t, go and grab a copy of the book.
7
SPEAKER_00
I have my final five that we ask every guest who s ever been on the show on their first time on the show.
7
SPEAKER_00
Great.
7
SPEAKER_00
So this is a rapid fire fast five, which means the questions can only be answered in one word to one sentence maximum.
7
SPEAKER_01
Whoa, okay.
7
SPEAKER_00
There are people who follow the rules.
7
SPEAKER_00
There s nothing to win apart from my validation.
7
SPEAKER_00
But there s some people that do it perfectly and there s some people that go off piste.
7
SPEAKER_00
I would prefer that we keep it tight because it s part of it.
7
SPEAKER_00
It makes them fun.
7
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
7
SPEAKER_00
And whoever goes first doesn t matter.
7
SPEAKER_00
We can do back and forth on each question.
7
SPEAKER_00
All right.
7
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The first question is, what is the best advice you ve ever received, heard or given?
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There s room for everyone.
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Chelsea Handler told me that.
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Oh, that s cool.
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Like one of my first days of work.
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Oh, that s too much.
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Sorry.
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No, that s perfect.
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No, that was a great answer.
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No, no, no.
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If I keep nodding like, oh, that s good.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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There s room for everyone.
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That s cool.
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Prioritize the inner life.
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My mom taught me that.
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I love that.
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Both great answers.
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Very tight and very precise.
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Makes a lot of sense.
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All right.
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Second question.
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What is the worst advice you ve ever heard or received?
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If he loved me, he would.
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Because I m going to ask you to complete that for me.
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If he loved me, he would.
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We always say, if somebody loves you enough, they will do anything and everything.
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And I think that that s just not, it s such an unrealistic expectation that we ve been told for years and years and years.
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And I think it s, it s, it s probably
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That s huge.
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Love that one.
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Got another episode on that.
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All right, Raquel.
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Right before I moved to LA 12 years ago, I was living in Chicago and someone said to me, you re meant to stay here.
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You know, the grass isn t greener on the other side.
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It s greener where you water it, which I think that statement can be true in certain times.
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But, you know, I disagreed with that person who was a big voice in my life at the time I wrote about it in the book.
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And I thought, no, my piece is telling me that I m, you know, meant to go to LA.
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And I think a lot of times when people are close to us, we can,
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listen to their advice and actually go with it, but listen to people, but then trust your inner voice.
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Great.
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Great.
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Okay.
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So yeah, it was bad advice because they were asking you to stay.
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They were telling me to stay and I thought for a second, I was like, maybe I will stay, but no.
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Question number three, what s the biggest lesson you ve learned in the last 12 months?
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Compromise is a beautiful thing.
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I think people often hear that word and they think you re selling yourself short and I think it can be a very beautiful thing.
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Right.
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Raquel?
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Yeah, when you re living a life of integrity, you always sleep peacefully at night.
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Wow.
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I think I had a lot of moments this past year, like career stuff, different things that happened, or, you know, people say this, or they said that, and it s like, no, I know who I am.
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I have to say, watching you through that season of life, as a friend, she was so admirable to just see.
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Anybody that was in that situation could have really crumbled and really, you know, been
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shaken up by everything that was going on.
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And it did not.
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Raquel, she knows who she is.
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She knows the person.
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She knows her character.
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And she was not like, it was just, it was really cool to see because you really do like, I mean, and everything that s in the book, like you really, these are, this is how we live our life.
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And it s in those moments when you re faced with these situations that it comes into play.
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And like, you really were strong.
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Question number four, what s your favorite day each in this book that you can t wait when people get it for them to read?
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Is there a specific day that like out of the hundred days that you both like feel is one of your favorites that you can t wait for people to get to?
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I m a big fan of Catch a Vision.
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I love, I make vision boards every single year.
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So I think Catch a Vision is one of my favorites.
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Nice.
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I can t remember exactly which day it was, but the one on forgiveness.
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I wouldn t expect you to remember a hundred days.
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Catch a Vision is day 54.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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The Catch a Vision is day 54.
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And then which one was your one?
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Forgive.
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Forgive someone, 63.
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Yeah.
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So forgive someone on page 63.
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Thank you, Jay, for reminding or for telling us page 63.
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Day 63.
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You can t live a life of freedom without being able to forgive.
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And so I forgive everybody and everything.
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Sometimes that s a little more of a process.
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Sometimes it s easy, but it is essential to live a happy life.
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Beautiful.
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All right, fifth and final question for both of you.
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We failed on this, by the way.
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We ve been shouting away.
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No, no, no, but I ve been asking.
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I ve been asking.
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No, no, no, no, no.
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You haven t failed at all.
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You haven t failed at all.
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I always get intrigued by answers to these five and I ask people to answer them in one word or one sentence because then people get really thoughtful and then you can really get into it.
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Okay, fifth and final question.
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If you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be?
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I mean, I already thought of mine.
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Oh, all right.
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But it goes along with the book, but I would want either no filters or anything on social media or people, it has to like say what was used on this photo.
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Do you know what I mean?
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Because I think as a young girl, you re looking at all these photos and they ve been Photoshopped and they ve been put through so many filters and you don t see that.
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So it s like, if these platforms would tell you how much work was put in this photo, I think it would,
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relieve a lot of these expectations that we put on ourselves.
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So I think either removing all those or having to disclose what you used on your photos and videos.
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That is great.
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We ve never had that on the show ever.
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I love that.
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That s a good one, Tanya.
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That s brilliant.
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That s really good, Tanya.
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I think because I do, I think that there s a lot that goes into our psyche from scrolling that you don t even realize is going into your psyche.
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That s very problematic.
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So if it s just all out there, you want to use your whatever, use them, but just tell people.
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I love that one.
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Mine would be, don t judge.
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And I heard Maya Angelou, to quote her again, she said something along the lines of, if you are a human being, you could never say of another human being, I would never do that.
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Because if you were living their life circumstances, if you were in their shoes, you would maybe be capable of the same.
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And so I think we have to be very slow to judge each other and we need to give a lot more love, a lot more compassion.
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Beautiful answers.
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Everyone, the book s called The Sunshine Mind, 100 Days to Finding the Hope and Joy You Want.
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Tanya Rad and Raquel Stephens, make sure you go and grab a copy of the book.
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I m so excited for my friends.
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One of my favorite things is to use my platform and community to support my friends and people that I love, people that I think are bringing amazing energy into the world.
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And these two wonderful humans are doing just that.
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So I hope you ll show them all your love, all your support.
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All your energy and excitement, it would mean the world to me.
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And thank you both for your time and energy on On Purpose.
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Thank you for your time, Jay.
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This means so much to us, and this has been incredible.
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I could sit here for, I could sit here all day.
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Literally.
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By having too much fun.
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Literally.
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No, really, really appreciate it.
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Like, honestly, can t say thank you enough.
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I love it.
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Thank you.
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Thank you, Jay.
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Thank you.
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If you love this episode, you ll really enjoy my episode with Selena Gomez on befriending your inner critic and how to speak to yourself with more compassion.
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Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt and we re the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
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It s a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
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like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
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Let s learn about all of it and then some.
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Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on America s number one podcast network, iHeart.
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Open your free iHeart app and search Grown Up Stuff.