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This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol.
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The joy they brought to the nation.
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You re free completely.
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No one is there to destroy you.
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The danger they endured.
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They said my head should be cut off.
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I m John Legend.
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Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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A new season of Bridgerton is here.
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And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
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I m your host, Gabby Collins.
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And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the ton.
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Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
0
SPEAKER_02
Then fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.
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Guess what, Will?
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What s up, Mango?
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I ve been trying to write a promo for our podcast, Part-Time Genius, but even though we ve done over 250 episodes, we don t really talk about murders or cults.
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I mean, we did just cover the Illuminati of cheese, so I feel like that makes us pretty edgy.
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We also solve mysteries like how Chinese is your Chinese food and how do dollar stores make money?
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And then, of course, can you game a dog show?
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So what you re saying is everyone should be listening.
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Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Oxytocin can be the hormone of bad judgment.
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You keep thinking it s going to be okay because the hormone makes you feel safe and secure.
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You don t see the red flags the person is sending, saying, I m not trustworthy.
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So I want you to be really careful at the beginning of a relationship
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about how you feel about something, how quickly you have sex, not from a position of like, I m not saying like, hold it back, wait till this day, like that s not the kind of advice I m giving you.
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What I m trying to say to you is, if you have sex, you re likely to have more positive feelings about this person and forget the bad things about them during that time.
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And so you don t want to be making decisions around that time.
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Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world.
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Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow.
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And I m so excited to be talking to you today.
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I can t believe it.
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My new book, Eight Rules of Love, is out.
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And thank you, thank you, thank you so much for all the support for Eight Rules of Love.
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It has been an incredible launch week.
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I am so deeply grateful
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for the amount of just love and kindness.
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I see all of you tagging the book in your stories.
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And last week, I gave you the first introduction of the audiobook absolutely free.
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If you haven t listened to it, go back and do.
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And then download the audiobook from 8rulesoflove.com, Amazon, Audible, wherever you get your books.
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It s dedicated to anyone who s trying to find, keep, or let go of love.
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So if you ve got friends that are dating, broken up, or struggling with love, make sure you grab this book.
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And I d love to invite you to come and see me for my global tour, Love Rules.
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Go to jscheddytour.com to learn more information about tickets, VIP experiences, and more.
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I can t wait to see you this year.
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Now, if you are someone who s dating right now, this episode is for you.
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If you have a friend who s dating, this episode is for you.
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If you have a friend who s in a relationship and they re reflecting about it, introspecting about whether they re in the right relationship with the right person, if things are going in the right direction, this episode is for you.
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Or if you re in that position, of course, this episode is for you.
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Now, the reason why I put this episode together is because
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I ve had so many conversations with so many people in my life recently where they ve avoided red flags, they ve experienced gaslighting, they ve experienced love bombing, but they didn t realize it until afterwards.
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And at the same time, I have a lot of friends and family and people in my life who I think have spotted a red flag and immediately thought, that s it, it s over, this has to end here, rather than learn the skill and the art of figuring out, is this a really extreme red flag or is it more of like a pink salmon color, right?
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Is this really an issue or are we making an issue out of it because we re scared, we re insecure, we re worried?
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Often we can give up a great thing or a good thing because we re not in the right mindset, right?
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Often we think someone s wrong for us because we re not in the right space.
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How many times have you ever experienced that?
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And I don t want you to miss out on the right person and I also don t want you to stay with the wrong person.
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I don t want you to do either one of those because it leads to a lot of pain.
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It leads to a lot of heartbreak.
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And everyone goes through heartbreak.
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Everyone goes through the feeling of rejection.
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It s something that I think most people have experienced.
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But we know it s not a happy feeling.
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It s not an easy feeling.
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So research shows that the areas that are activated in the brain when we re in love are the same as those involved in cocaine addiction.
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Fascinating, right?
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So the way your brain experiences a breakup is kind of like the misery of detox.
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Just as addicts crave a fix, we can literally crave the other person.
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This happens in part because our brains flood with chemical messengers that are part of our reward and motivation circuitry.
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Our brain sends urgent signals that we should hurry up and retrieve what s missing.
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That s why you want to text your ex.
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That s why you want to see them again.
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That s why you re obsessed with following them on social media and seeing what they re up to because we re literally detoxing from an addiction.
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In one study of breakups, participants reported thinking about their exes roughly 85% of the time they were awake.
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85% of the time that they were awake.
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That s huge.
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Now I know we ve all been there, right?
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So let s be honest, we ve all been there.
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The flood of hormones isn t the brain s only response to a breakup.
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Areas of the brain that are active in heartbreak are the same as those ones that process physical pain.
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But as the researcher Helen Fisher says, the difference is while pain from a stubbed toe or a toothache fades, emotions can intensify the sensation of a breakup.
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We don t get angry with our tooth or feel rejected by the couch we bumped into, says Helen Fisher.
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But with our exes, we harbor hurt feelings, dashed dreams, which can exacerbate and extend the pain.
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In this state, our brains can desperately seek oxytocin, the bonding hormone, because it decreases feelings of fear and anxiety.
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And we re likely to seek this chemical experience from our ex.
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And this can prompt some pretty irrational things, right?
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Lack of emotional control, irregular eating, writing or eating.
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emailing, pleading, sobbing for hours, drinking too much, we ve all been there.
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So this episode is to help avoid that at all costs if you can, not by staying with someone who s wrong for you, but by either calling it quits earlier, or by working through things that are actually not that red a flag.
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So I hope this episode helps you, guides you, gives you some insights to think about.
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That s all I m ever trying to do.
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I m never telling you whether you should break up or shouldn t break up with someone.
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My goal is to give you enough insight and information to make healthier decisions yourself through the use of wisdom and science.
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So thank you for being here again.
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If you haven t already, I hope you re gonna order my new book, Eight Rules of Love.
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This book is gonna help guide you into how to find love, keep love, and let it go in a healthy way.
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And I can t wait for you to have that book if you don t already have it.
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I hope you re enjoying it.
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If you do, I really, really hope that it s helping you.
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Now, how can we avoid this feeling if we can and when we can?
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This statistic really blew my mind.
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7.2 out of 10 Gen Z would rather date a love bomber than someone who is emotionally unavailable or non-committal.
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Now a love bomber by definition is someone who displays feelings of affection early and in a heightened way but doesn t necessarily back them up over the long term.
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They re not going to live up to their promises.
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It can be a really painful thing to go through which often leaves you feeling like you re the most loved person in the world to then feeling like you re the least loved person in the world.
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Healthline describes it as,
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says Shirin Paker, MA, a licensed marriage and family therapist.
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So I saw this brilliant love bombing survey from ShaneCo, where some of today s research is from.
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And so if you don t follow them or haven t checked it out, definitely go take a look at it.
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The study says that 70% of people have had a partner say, I love you within the first month of seeing each other.
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How many times have you done this?
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How many times has it happened to you?
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That 70% of people have had a partner say I love you within the first month of seeing each other.
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Now I promise you right now there is no way that in the first month of seeing each other someone can truly love you completely, fully, wholly.
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Yes, they can like you.
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Yes, they can be into you.
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Yes, they can be attracted to you.
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Yes, they can want to love you.
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but someone loving you.
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And the problem is we love hearing those three words.
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We want to hear them so badly and we want to feel them.
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Only 31% of dating app users would break up with someone who said I love you in the first month, which shows we like it, which proves we want it and like it.
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60% of dating app users feel pressured to say I love you too early in a relationship.
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The first red flag in a relationship is if someone says, I love you too soon.
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We have to be very careful.
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We have to slow it down.
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We have to be thoughtful about, I had this great conversation the other day.
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What does it mean when someone loves us?
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We have to define that for ourselves.
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But when I think about the kind of love we want and the love that I hear people want, it means a love where we re accepted for who we are, truly who we are, and we can be ourselves.
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We all want a space where we get accepted for our authentic, aligned selves.
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And that means someone has had to see you stressed, see you fatigued, see you exhausted, see you irritated.
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And you will have had to see them in those scenarios as well because we know that our character is really shown when we re tested.
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And we know that long-term love is based on character, right?
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Liking is based on chemistry.
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Loving is based on character.
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So the only way you can love someone is if you ve experienced different elements of their character and you ve found a way to make peace with that.
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I m not saying you re going to love someone when they re stressed fully in the sense of you re not going to be like, wow, they deal with stress so well.
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But the point is, do you both deal with stress well together?
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Have you seen them in that?
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And are you able to figure it out?
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Are you supportive of each other?
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Or are you just trying to avoid that scenario?
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And the only experiences you ve had with each other are on a date night when you re practically in an interview.
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Now, studies shows that men are quicker to say I love you than women, taking an average of 88 days.
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Women take an average of 134 days, right?
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So men are saying it quicker, which is why I hear a lot from women that they ve been love-bombed or had this experience.
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Now, how do you deal with this?
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If someone says I love you too soon, how do you deal with it?
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Because they might be great.
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It might actually be going in the right direction.
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I m not saying, oh, when someone says that to you, you break up with them and go,
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All right, well, you re love bombing me.
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It s over.
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This is not what I need.
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Like Jay told me that, you know, that s not what I m saying.
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I think, first of all, we should never feel pressured to say I love you back.
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60% of dating app users feel pressured to say I love you too early.
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You should never be saying those words too early.
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There s no need for that.
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I think when someone says it to you, you can genuinely ask them, what do you mean?
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Like not, no, no, no, I don t believe you or this is awkward.
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More like, well, what do you mean by that?
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Like, what do you love about me?
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And you may think that that s quite forward, but actually you give yourself an opportunity to listen to that person and that person also gets a sign that goes, okay, well, this person s smart, this person switched on.
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I remember actually saying that to an ex-girlfriend early on and that being her response.
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And it actually made me reflect.
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only for me to realize that I didn t have as strong feelings for her as I thought.
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And I think that that can be probably one of the best things that someone can ask you is, what do you mean by that?
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Like, what do you love about me?
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I d love to know.
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And you re asking it not in a confrontational, intimidating way.
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You re asking in a genuine way.
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And so I want you to be aware of this one because the challenge is when someone says I love you, they re signing up to live up to their definition.
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And when you say I love you, you re signing up to live up to your definition.
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And so if you both have your own definitions,
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But you think that person s signing up to yours and you think you re signing up to theirs, right?
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Like, actually, you think you re signing up to yours.
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So if you re not ready to commit to their definition, or if you don t even know what it is, chances are that s going to be a challenge.
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So that s something to look at.
1
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When the Taliban banned music in Afghanistan, millions were plunged into silence.
1
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Radios were smashed, cassettes burned.
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You could be beaten or jailed or killed for breaking the rules.
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And yet,
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Afghans did it anyway.
1
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This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol.
1
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The danger they endured.
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They said my head should be cut off.
1
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The joy they brought to the nation.
1
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You re free completely.
1
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No one is there to destroy you.
1
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I m John Legend.
1
SPEAKER_04
Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
1
SPEAKER_01
A new season of Bridgerton is here.
1
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And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
1
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I m your host, Gabrielle Collins.
1
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And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the ton.
1
SPEAKER_01
Colin Bridgerton has returned from his travels abroad.
1
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Is Betrothal written in the stars for the eligible bachelor?
1
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Meanwhile, the ton is reverberating with speculation of who holds Lady Whistledown s pen.
1
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We re discussing it all.
1
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I sit down with Nicola Coughlin, Luke Newton, Shonda Rhimes, and more to offer an exclusive peek behind the scenes of each episode of the new season.
1
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Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
1
SPEAKER_01
Then, fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
1
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Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.
1
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Guess what, Mango?
1
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What s that, Will?
1
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So iHeart is giving us a whole minute to promote our podcast, Part-Time Genius.
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I know, that s why I spent my whole week composing a haiku for the occasion.
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It s about my emotional journey in podcasting over the last seven years, and it s called Earthquake House.
1
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Mango, I m going to cut you off right there.
1
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Why don t we just tell people about our show instead?
1
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Yeah, that s a better idea.
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So every week on Part-Time Genius, we feed our curiosity by answering the world s most important questions.
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Things like, when did America start dialing 911?
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is William Shatner s best acting work in Esperanto.
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Also, what happened to Esperanto?
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Plus, we cover questions like how Chinese is your Chinese food?
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How do dollar stores stay in business?
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And of course, is there an Illuminati of cheese?
1
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There absolutely is.
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And we are risking our lives by talking about it.
1
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But if you love mind blowing facts, incredible history and really bad jokes, make your brains happy and tune in to Part Time Genius.
1
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Listen to Part Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Number two is the pressure to have sex.
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52% of women who are app users felt pressure to have sex by someone who love bombed them, right?
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This is really, really challenging to see to think that over 50% of people are pressured
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And I don t have the stats on how many of those people actually go through with it.
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But it s really interesting how sex can distort our perception of love.
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So the research shows that sex can distract us from making good choices about who to be with and whether to stay with them.
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So if you re being pressured into sex too early on in a relationship or ever in a relationship, it can actually distort how you feel about that person and about love.
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And one of the biggest causes of that distraction is the hormone oxytocin.
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Now, according to neuroscientist and psychiatrist Daniel Amen, oxytocin is related to feelings of being in love, and the release of oxytocin can support and even accelerate bonding and trust.
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So generally men have lower levels of oxytocin than women, but sex causes men s oxytocin levels to spike more than 500%.
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New York University neuroscientist Robert Frumke says that oxytocin acts like a volume dial.
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Turning up and amplifying brain activity related to whatever someone is already experiencing.
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During and after sex, we feel more in love, but it s not actually love.
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We feel closer chemically, even though we re not closer emotionally.
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Additionally, the hormone actually has a temporary blocking effect on negative memories.
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So all those little things that were bothering you, or that argument you had beforehand, or the worry you had that they weren t right for you, which might have been a major warning sign, could fade after sex.
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So if someone pressures you into having sex, and you go through with it, chances are you ll forget that you were pressured into it.
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Chances are you ll forget that you were unsure about them beforehand.
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So when I interviewed husband and wife relationship experts, John and Julie Gottman on my podcast, and Dr. Daniel Amen s also been on the podcast, but John said that oxytocin can be the hormone of bad judgment.
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He says, you keep thinking it s going to be okay because the hormone makes you feel safe and secure.
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You don t see the red flags the person is sending, saying, I m not trustworthy.
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So I want you to be really careful at the beginning of a relationship
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about how you feel about something, how quickly you have sex, not from a position of like, I m not saying like, hold it back, wait till this day, like, that s not the kind of advice I m giving you.
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What I m trying to say to you is, if you have sex, you re likely to have more positive feelings about this person and forget the bad things about them during that time.
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And so you don t want to be making decisions around that time.
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That s not the time you want to be making those choices and making those decisions.
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So I really want you to be reflective and thoughtful about that.
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Please, please, please think about that for sure.
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All right, number three is someone is talking about moving in marriage and kids.
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Now, again, this feels like an exciting thing.
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Oh my gosh, they want to move in with me.
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And I m talking about if they talk about this too early.
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Marriage, kids, love bombing, again, from the Schenko study, 25% of women need to seek therapy after they ve been love bombed.
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Right because it really makes you believe you re really special when someone s like and i had a friend who literally just went through this.
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Let s move in a comedy of kids oh my god they ll be so cute you having all these conversations so early on.
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And you don t even know what country you want to live in you don t even know what you re doing with your own life you don t even know this person s family and you re having all these conversations.
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So I think this is a big one.
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And this actually happens more during times of personal stress and personal weakness.
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So listen to this.
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I ve got a couple of stories I want to share with you.
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Fresh out of college, Caitlin Riley decided she was ready to find love.
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So to meet someone, she joined a co-ed soccer team.
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Unfortunately, Caitlyn says, she didn t get a lot of passes, flirtatious or otherwise.
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Finally, during one game, a ball came her way.
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Seeing her opportunity to score a goal, Caitlyn went for it.
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Unfortunately, the ball ricocheted and smacked her in the face.
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Her eye red and swollen, Caitlyn went to ER and saw the on-call doctor who told her she d have to come in for daily exams for a while to make sure the healing went well.
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On that first meeting, something else happened.
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Caitlyn sensed a little chemistry.
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Was it possible the young doctor was flirting with her?
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Over several more visits, and after a little online research, Caitlyn decided the doctor could be the man of her dreams.
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And he was definitely into her, right?
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A few weeks later, at her last appointment, she decided to ask her doctor out.
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Yet when the time came, she got nervous.
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She fainted!
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Caitlin ended up being wheeled to the ER and was so embarrassed she never asked him out.
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But as she says when it comes to love, she s keeping her good eye open.
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Now the reason I m telling you that story is because in times of stress we almost get attracted to people especially who are taking care of us, who are supporting us, who are looking out for us.
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Whether there was romantic chemistry or not there, we re more open to this idea of being love-bombed.
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Obviously that s a specific and extreme scenario, but you want to think about when you re stressed, how you view the person you re attracted to.
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Another story I wanted to tell you about.
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Tasha and Andrew met at a healing workshop.
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Tasha had crossed several states and Andrew had flown in from another country.
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During the intensive the two paired up several times and by the end they confessed their attraction to one another.
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They made a plan to meet up again in a city roughly halfway between where they lived.
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They spent a magical long weekend together and from there they embarked on a passionate romance.
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Before long Tasha moved to Andrew s home country to be with him and she became pregnant.
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Not long after that, they were married.
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Unfortunately, soon after their baby was born, the problems began.
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Tasha began to suffer depression and feeling alone in her new country and questioning her relationship with Andrew, she and their child moved home, unsure of whether Andrew would be joining them.
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Eventually he did, and they started couples counseling.
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Both of those stories are an example of what can happen when we meet during times of high emotional stress.
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In psychological terms, transference is when a client or patient projects their emotions and inner conflicts, sometimes related to a specific person in their life, such as a parent or partner, onto a practitioner.
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But we can experience projections of this kind in any type of relationship, right?
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Transference and similar types of projection can also temporarily blind us to signs that the other person isn t perhaps right for us, that the relationship could be inappropriate, or that they ll simply not be interested in us in that way.
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So this is why in my book, I talk so deeply about solitude and the power of being in a good place, not in the perfect place, but being in a good place when you get into a relationship, because now you re able to spot these signs earlier, right?
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Again, this doesn t mean you have to break up with someone if they display this sign or something like that.
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But so often, we re actually turning to someone out of weakness, rather than a position of strength.
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Now the next one is gaslighting number four.
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And for this one, I want you to go listen to my episode with Dr. Ramani on the show.
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So I m referencing three great podcasts to go listen to after this one.
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Dr. Daniel Ayman s been on the podcast maybe three or four times now.
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All of them are great interviews.
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Then we ve had john and julie gottman have been on the podcast once and doctor romney s been the podcast one we did a master class on gaslighting narcissism and love bombing together, make sure you listen to that episode i think a lot of people are experiencing gaslighting more and more now and it comes from the other person s, insecurity comes from the other person s challenges but end up leaving us with insecurities and challenges.
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So the definition that s given by medical news today is that in relationships, an abusive person may use gaslighting to isolate their partner, undermine their confidence, and make them easier to control.
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For example, they might tell someone they are irrational until the person starts to think it must be true, right?
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So they make you feel you have a particular weakness
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in order for them to be more in control of that relationship.
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Make sure you go listen to the Dr. Ramani episode.
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Number five, someone who encourages you to give up your purpose, passion, or your dreams.
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This one s huge because
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Often you find someone who s like, ah, don t worry about that.
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It s not a big deal.
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Like, oh, that s okay.
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Maybe you re just too ambitious, right?
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There s a bit of gaslighting there too.
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You re too ambitious.
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There s no need for that.
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You know, it s just not really, you know, do you really want that?
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Like, you know, it s that questioning that doubting that comes in.
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And I think it s so important for us to
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be there as a support for our partners.
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So if you find someone that supports your dreams versus gets insecure about your dreams, that s the kind of person that you want in your life.
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Again, I m not telling you to break up with this person, but it s to have this conversation and say, hey, like I ve chased this because I really believe in it.
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I really want this myself.
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Often a partner can help you realize whether you truly want something.
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So sometimes this questioning is very helpful.
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If someone s saying to you like, do you really want that?
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Or does your parent want that?
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That s a great question.
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That s helping you reflect.
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And so the question you have to ask yourself is, is this person telling me what to think?
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or are they telling me how to think, right?
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If someone s helping you learn how to think, that s different from them telling you what to think.
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And that s the kind of person that you want to help build in your life and hopefully help reflect with them.
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In a 2019 piece for The Atlantic, senior editor Julie Beck investigated what it means to be ready for a relationship.
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What she found is that the meaning of the phrase varies widely and is tough to pin down.
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However, results from Google s index of search strings on printed materials shows that the term first showed up in the 1950s, but not until the 1980s did it rise to popularity.
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Today, it s everywhere.
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Stephanie Kuntz, a professor of history and family studies, told Beck, the timing of the word is just about perfectly aligned with a sea change in people s conceptions of marriage.
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It used to be that you got married
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In order to grow up, settle down, start saving up for a future home, move away from your teenage preoccupation with yourself, and learn how to handle a relationship.
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Whereas many saw marriage as a cornerstone for building a happy and successful life,
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now it s viewed more as a capstone.
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Younger people are more apt to want to embark on a relationship when we feel we ve checked off some of our individual adulting goals.
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So it s almost like we got into a relationship in the past to become adults, now it s almost like I want to date an adult.
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How many times have you ever said that?
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Like, I don t want to date a child.
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I don t want to be with a child.
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I don t want to be with a kid.
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I don t have to take care of someone as their parent.
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But that s how relationships started in the past and they evolved.
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Now we re expecting people to have done some self-work before we get to that.
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So in this situation, what a relationship requires is a little bit of compassion and empathy.
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So if someone doesn t have the ability to be compassionate and empathetic and you don t towards them, it becomes really challenging because you re expecting them to already be a complete person before they re even ready for it, before they ve even gone through what s needed.
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And this is that catch-22 because you want someone who s working on themselves, is a work in progress,
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but isn t a masterpiece, right?
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Like, that s the idea that you re looking for someone who s on the path, not perfect.
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If you re looking for perfection, it s gonna be impossible, and if that person s looking for perfection, it s impossible, but you re looking for someone who s on the path of self-work and growth.
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That s a healthier thing to look for.
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Now, the next one is people who talk about their exes.
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Now, according to a survey of a thousand people by YourTango, 71% said they still think about their ex too much.
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Of single respondents, the number was 81%, and more than half of single respondents said they think about their ex so much, it s keeping them from moving on.
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And it seems marriage doesn t solve ex obsession either, says this study.
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60% of married folks said they think about an ex too often, and 37% said it actually causes problems in their marriage.
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So you do want to be mindful.
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I think we live in a time right now where it s like, oh, everyone has exes.
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It s normal.
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Of course it is.
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But if someone s still talking about their ex a lot,
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comparing you to their ex, fixated on how things were with their ex, even if they keep bringing it up in conversation and being like, oh, I didn t work out with my ex because of this, or, oh, I m still friends with my ex, right?
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We want to be cool about these things, but it can cause challenges.
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And this is the part that really blew my mind that 70% of guys and 76% of girls say they have searched for an ex online.
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So a lot of us are still addicted to our exes, the ones that got away.
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86% of survey respondents said they still look at photos of their ex.
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And so for those of us that want to be all cool and act like nonchalant about our partner being friends with their ex, it is definitely something that if you re worried about it, if you re anxious about it, it could be a big deal.
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And I don t just want you to pass it off because you think you re more cool or more
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easy if you don t make a thing out of it.
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Matches Singles of America survey found that half of men and 42% of women said they d stay friends with an ex.
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However, a study by researchers from the University of Connecticut found that when people were friends with their ex, they tended to not only have more romantic desires, but also more negative feelings towards their ex than they had towards opposite sex friends they d never dated.
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So the reset suggests you can be friends with your ex, but it can be complicated.
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I want to thank you for listening to today s episode.
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I hope it gave you a ton of great insights when you re talking about this topic to your friends.
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It s such a big theme.
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And of course, I d love for you to get my new book, 8 Rules of Love from 8rulesoflove.com.
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Thank you so much.
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Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt and we re the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
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It s a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
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Like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
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Let s learn about all of it and then some.
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Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on America s number one podcast network, iHeart.
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Open your free iHeart app and search Grown Up Stuff.