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Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt and we re the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
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It s a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
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Like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone and so much more.
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Let s learn about all of it and then some.
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Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on America s number one podcast network, iHeart.
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Open your free iHeart app and search Grown Up Stuff.
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This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol.
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The joy they brought to the nation.
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You re free completely.
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No one is there to destroy you.
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The danger they endured.
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They said my head should be cut off.
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I m John Legend.
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Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Guess what, Will?
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What s up, Mango?
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I ve been trying to write a promo for our podcast, Part-Time Genius, but even though we ve done over 250 episodes, we don t really talk about murders or cults.
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I mean, we did just cover the Illuminati of cheese, so I feel like that makes us pretty edgy.
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We also solve mysteries like how Chinese is your Chinese food and how do dollar stores make money?
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And then, of course, can you game a dog show?
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So what you re saying is everyone should be listening.
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Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Hey everyone, I m so excited because we re going to be adding a really special offering onto the back of my solo episodes on Fridays.
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The Daily J is a daily series on Calm and it s meant to inspire you while outlining tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress-free life.
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We dive into a range of topics and the best part is, each episode is only 7 minutes long, so you can incorporate it into your schedule no matter how busy you are.
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As a dedicated part of the unpurposed community, I wanted to do something special for you this year, so I ll be playing a handpicked Daily J during each of my Friday podcasts.
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This week we re talking about your habits and how to develop better daily routines.
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Of course, if you want to listen to the Daily J every day, you can subscribe to Calm.
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So go to calm.com forward slash J for 40% off your membership today.
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I do.
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Hey man, how s it going?
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Questions for you.
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How are you really doing?
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Right now, I m doing really good.
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It s been a really, really special time.
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I ve been on the road.
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this year for longer than I ve been at home, which is a new experience.
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I ve only been in my own home, in my own bed for three weeks this year because I ve been on my world tour.
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It s a really interesting experience because I m getting a slight glimpse into how
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touring artists feel.
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We re doing around 40 shows.
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A lot of touring artists will do 100, 150 shows if you re a music artist.
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And I m getting empathy for the challenges that come with traveling, always being on the move, not being in the same place.
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But
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For people like us, I think for so long, for the last seven years, I ve been connecting with my community and my audience digitally.
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I started making my first video on the 3rd of Jan, 2016, just over seven years ago.
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and I ve never really met my own community.
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I ve met people obviously on the streets or at an event or whatever it may be, but to be doing events all across the world and to see your own community attending and having these incredible experiences and then going on social and seeing that people are posting stories and comments and their experiences, it s really beautiful.
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It s been really good for my soul because
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I think that when things are tough and when things are hard, a comment, a positive comment doesn t hit you the same way as a memory when someone looked into your eyes and said, that video stopped me from committing suicide, or Jay, that book that I read of yours helped me get through my divorce, or
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you know, when I saw that podcast you did with so-and-so, that conversation has changed my career.
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Like, when you get that feedback in the flesh, when you re holding someone s hands and looking into their eyes, I don t think anything compares to that.
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So right now I m really good because I feel so fueled up because I ve had so many positive conversations with so many incredible people.
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My heart s filled with gratitude for the amount of love and support I ve seen.
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We ve been to all over the US.
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We just finished Australia.
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We did three shows at the Sydney Opera House.
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We just finished Singapore.
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And then we just finished India.
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And now I m in Dubai.
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And then we go to Paris and Amsterdam and Berlin and UK and Spain and Barcelona, Madrid, so many left.
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So anyway, it s been a very special time.
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You know, I would say we re in similar circles.
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You re so right, Jay, that until you experience human interaction, you don t really know sometimes how, and I don t think we will ever know.
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Jay will really, you will never truly know your impact on this world.
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We will never know how to quantify it or measure it fully.
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Even our teams don t.
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Yes, you hear nice things, people post or people stop you or send a long letter, sure.
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But sometimes you get these moments, and you reminded me of a moment where a guy stopped me in a souk, in an old shopping area in Saudi.
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And he told me how his mother suffers from Alzheimer s and she likes to listen to my voice before to rest or to calm down.
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And it was one of the most crazy compliments to get.
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That you re also on an app for meditation, that people are using your voice to actually relax them.
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So you might be like, ah, that s nice, but you really don t realize
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how much it s impacting.
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So when you re doing this tour, human interaction is so important.
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Like senses, smell and touch and feel.
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And I think COVID scared us when we didn t have that.
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Those video calls and you can t hug people when you see them.
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You re reluctant, you know?
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That s my favorite thing.
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My favorite thing is when I bump into someone is giving them a big hug and, you know, holding their hands and looking into their eyes.
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And it s such a special experience.
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And you re spot on.
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I don t think we can quantify
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what s happening in the world right now and the scale of impact or any of it.
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But I just, I live in gratitude that even one person like you just said that beautiful example.
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I know people who are like dealing with their cancer recovery, listening to the meditations and it s, it blows my mind and actually inspires me.
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I think so many people
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look to the things we do and think that we inspire them.
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But I would honestly say that when people tell me their stories, I m more inspired by them.
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Because sometimes I don t even have the challenges they do.
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Sometimes I don t have the difficulties they do.
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I don t have the hardships.
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the same hardships.
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I have other hardships, but I don t have the hardships that some people in my audience do.
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And when they tell me that, I always look at them and I say, well, you inspire me because the fact that you can choose growth and self-development and healing at a time like this, that takes courage and strength.
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And so, yeah, you re spot on, man.
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If I ask you, who are you, Jay?
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How would you describe yourself?
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I would say that I am consciousness.
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I am raw energy here to serve, support, and try to hopefully improve people s lives and people s life experience by giving them access to wisdom and knowledge that
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they wouldn t otherwise have come across.
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So I see myself as consciousness and energy when it comes to the essence of who I am.
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And then I see that purpose of that consciousness and energy to simply want to serve, support, and improve the lives of others.
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And that s what I m designed to do.
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That s what I m built to do.
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That s what I was created for.
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And so I ve often said before that we re educated for greed, but we re wired for generosity.
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And I believe that I m just trying to tap into that part of me that is wired for service.
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And why, like, why do you feel that you, you should do it?
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Like I know it s your purpose, but, um, you know, we, we all as human beings want to feel validated or significant on this earth and certain things make us feel valuable.
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Why does what you just said make Jay feel valuable?
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Yeah, such a great question.
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There s a beautiful statement by Muhammad Ali where he said that service to others is the rent we pay for our room here on earth.
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And I love that so much because I think that if you look at everything in the universe, everything in the universe is always serving.
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I ll give you an example.
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If you look at the sun,
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it s constantly giving sunlight.
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There are so many things on this planet that depend on the sunlight to be alive.
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If you look at the water, it s always fueling people, it s nourishing people, it s hydrating people.
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The water is always serving.
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If you look at a tree, a tree is growing every single day so that it can provide shade, it can provide fruits, it can provide flowers, all in the service of others.
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If you look at everything in nature,
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It s always serving.
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And we ourselves, our nature, we may see ourselves as separate, but the truth is that we re no different.
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We grow, we evolve, we die.
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And so when you are nature, the reason why it gives me so much significance is because I realized that in order to be aligned with the universe, I have to serve.
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So when we talk about being aligned with the universe, when we talk about being aligned with our purpose, when we talk about being aligned with who we are,
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if nature is at the core and at the essence of who we are, then service is not making us feel significant for any other reason apart from that is our natural inclination.
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But because we ve tried so hard to become the enjoyer, we ve tried so hard to become the person who just wants to have pleasure, we ve tried so hard to become the person that just wants to exploit as well, that doesn t lead to joy and happiness.
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Imagine the sun decided to turn off and went,
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I m not giving any more light for the day.
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Or if the water decided to stop and said, you know what, no more water for planet Earth.
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Or you know what, the trees said, you know what, I m not giving any fruits.
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I m only going to give fruits to my trees.
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All of a sudden, so much would break down in an ecosystem.
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And so I think it gives me significance because I realized that
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It s how we re made, it s what we re meant for, and it s also what leads to our happiness.
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So even selfishly, honestly speaking, it s not that service is completely selfless.
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Service is also selfish and selfless because it is knowing that it is good for myself.
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It is also going to make me happy.
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It is also going to make me feel content.
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And I think you know this, and we feel this, that
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I m sure in your lifetime you ve had so many of the greatest pleasures, and I m not saying any of those are bad, and I m not saying we shouldn t have fun, and I m not saying we shouldn t have nice things, and I m not saying we shouldn t be happy and surrounded by beautiful things, but what I am saying is we know that all of those things are useful and necessary, but those aren t the things that make you go to bed feeling fulfilled and grateful and happy about your life.
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And so I think when anyone s served, when anyone s tried to serve,
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the feeling is incomparable.
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That s a good answer.
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If I have a white canvas for you, like this, and I ask you to draw your mental state now, what would you draw?
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Oh, these are good questions, man.
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That is a great question.
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So I ve often said, I don t know if you ve ever
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come across one of my friends, Humble the Poet.
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So Humble the Poet is a speaker and writer.
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He s a good friend of mine.
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And the reason I m thinking of it is because he s probably the only person I ve had this conversation with.
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So I try and design my studio and my office
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to look like my mind.
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So I literally have said that before, that I try and design spaces that I live in, in my home, my studio, my office, all of it, to look like my mind.
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I like to live in mental spaces.
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And I like to feel like I ve taken a vision out of here and built it around me.
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And so if I took you into my office now back in LA or I took you into my studio or my study or whatever it may be, you would find I would draw a lot of bookshelves and I would draw a lot of books.
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And the reason for that is because I feel for so long I wasn t a reader.
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So when I was growing up,
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my parents were really scared that I wasn t going to be that smart because I didn t read.
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And I didn t read up until the age of 14.
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And the reason was because school only gave us fiction books.
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And I was never interested in fiction.
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I wasn t interested in a made-up story or a made-up character.
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It didn t touch me.
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It didn t move my heart.
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And then at 14, my dad started to give me autobiographies and biographies.
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And so that time I read Malcolm X, I read Martin Luther King, I read David Beckham, I read Dwayne The Rock Johnson, like I was reading this complete gamut of people and their lives.
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And I found that studying people s lives has been the greatest investment of my life.
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Because when you study people s lives, you start realizing
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how similar your life experience is to so many people when it comes to failure, when it comes to rejection, when it comes to setback.
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So, I would draw a lot of books and bookshelves.
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You d have Steve Jobs  book, you d have Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, you d have David Beckham and Dwayne The Rock Johnson, and a bunch of others.
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The next thing I d do is I like having statements or mantras or affirmations around me because I really believe that we don t use visual cues enough
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to change our mindset.
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What I mean by that is when I walked into your space today, which is really like, your space is beautiful, like it s so minimal and simple and like it calms the mind.
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Like as soon as I walked in to your studio today, I was like, oh, this is my vibe, I like this, right?
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Everyone seems like they re really happy in their spaces, but I find that because of the environment, it also creates an energy, right, internally.
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So I walked in here, I feel a certain way.
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And I feel that when I walk into my home and my spaces, I also like putting up either art or lines of wisdom or insight that help me lock back into where I want to be.
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So I have this one piece of art in my office that I ll send you a picture of so you can put it in the edit if you want to help it.
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And it s a picture of, okay, I m going to try to describe this.
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It s a bit complicated to describe, but do you remember as a kid, I don t know if you had them, I don t know, I guess you had them all over the world, but there were these little machines that would be outside the supermarket and you put a little coin in it and it d be like a little space machine and it would like move like from side to side, right?
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Okay.
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I don t know what they re called, but you know what I m talking about.
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So this artwork has one of those little space machines, like it looks like you d have to put a little coin in it, but then there s...
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A new season of Bridgerton is here.
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And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
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I m your host, Gabrielle Collins.
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And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the ton.
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Colin Bridgerton has returned from his travels abroad.
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Is Betrothal written in the stars for the eligible bachelor?
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Meanwhile, the ton is reverberating with speculation of who holds Lady Whistledown s pen.
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We re discussing it all.
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I sit down with Nicola Coughlin, Luke Newton, Shonda Rhimes, and more to offer an exclusive peek behind the scenes of each episode of the new season.
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Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
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Then fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.
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Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt and we re the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
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It s a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
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Like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
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We re back with season two of the podcast, which means more opportunities to glow up and become a more responsible and better adult, one life lesson at a time.
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And let me just tell you, this show is just as much for us as it is for you.
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So let s figure this stuff out together.
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This season, we re going to talk about whether or not we re financially and emotionally ready for dog ownership.
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We re going to figure out the benefits of a high-yield savings account.
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And what exactly are the duties of being a member of the wedding party?
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All that plus so much more.
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Let s learn about all of it and then some.
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Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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person sitting inside the space machine, but they re dressed as an astronaut.
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So it s like this little kid s space machine, but an astronaut is like riding this little space machine.
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And then in the background, there s all these different prints from musicians and songwriters, everyone from Elton John through to other artists that are less well known.
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there s a beautiful lyric on one of them underneath the music notes.
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And it says, may God s love be with you, lift off.
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And I bought that piece of artwork because there s so many messages inside of it.
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So every time I look at it, I remember that I m just a kid.
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putting a coin into a machine, trying to get to space.
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I m trying to do something quite outlandish, ridiculous.
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I believe that I want to be able to do something phenomenal in the world, but actually I m just a little kid trying to
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figure it out.
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I m just a student of life.
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At the same time, I m like that astronaut who has this big vision and can see the solar system and wants to be curious about the world that s around them.
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At the same time, at the end of the day, I m fueled and living at the grace of God, the universe of the energy that I ve been given through the people I ve met and that I need their grace in order to do this work.
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That art piece is what I would try and draw, but it would be terrible because I can t draw to save my life.
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So I would have to, I ll send you the picture.
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Please.
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Yeah.
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If you had to describe your childhood in three words, what would you tell me?
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Conflicted, loving, transformative.
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Tell me about conflictive and transformative.
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So, conflicted because I grew up in a home where my parents didn t have the best of relationships and they had their own challenges and I have a great relationship with both of them and have a personal relationship with both of them, but together for them, for each other, it wasn t the best relationship.
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And what I m really grateful for is I feel that
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I started to have the capacity to listen to each of them independently.
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And I think it gave me this really unique skill early on of being able to sit and be present with someone and just listen to their story.
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express compassion and empathy for their experience, but then do it on the other side as well.
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Because here were two people that I loved, two people who loved me, two people who
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cared about me in their own way.
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My mom till this day, I always say is, anything I am today is because of my mom.
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The amount of love that my mom has filled me with has only allowed that love to overflow.
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And so the love that the world feels through me is the love I felt through my mother, through my monk teachers, through the love that I ve gathered.
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And any skill that I have is through my father.
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My father s highly smart, thoughtful, strategic.
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Any skill I have in that way is because of my dad.
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And so I got so much from these two people, but they weren t necessarily getting so much from each other.
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And being able to learn how to navigate and manage that at a young age gave me a lot of healthy experience in what I wanted to be when I was older and what I didn t want to be.
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And conflicted also because I grew up in an area where I was one of the few Indian people in my area.
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And so I was bullied for being Indian.
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I was bullied for being overweight.
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I was quite overweight as a child and I would get bullied every single day.
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And when I say bullied, I mean like beaten up.
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Like I would get beaten up regularly at school, primary school, up until the age of about seven or eight, to the point that I would come back with bruises.
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I would come back with my shirt ripped.
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I would come back with like, you know, bloody knees, whatever it may have been.
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And I was just, you know, bullied regularly.
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And it s really interesting because that actually didn t negatively affect my confidence because I was loved at home by my mother.
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But what it did do was build empathy and compassion for other people who go through that, because I could see how damaging it was for other people.
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So that s the conflicted part, where it was like, I was having these very mixed experiences where it s like, I felt love, but then I also saw hate.
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I felt joy, but then I also saw jealousy and envy.
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pleasure in some areas of my life, and then I saw deep, deep pain and trauma in people s lives.
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And I think everyone can identify with that.
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I don t think that s unique to me.
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I think everyone sees that.
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But I think the way I saw it, I m very grateful for, because I just started to realize that there was this duality in the world, and that learning to navigate that duality was the goal.
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The goal was not to run towards the love and ignore the other side, because the other side was always going to exist.
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the other side was always going to be present, could I have the ability to live in the middle, accepting that the reality of the world is duality and that both of these things will coexist for the rest of my life?
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And if I can learn to navigate and figure out and maneuver through this chaos, that would be the goal of life.
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The goal of life was not to simply run towards happiness, was not to just run towards love, was not to just run towards joy.
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Because
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the other side would catch up slowly, it would run right after you.
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So I think that s what was unique about why it was transformative.
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It was transformative because somewhere along the way, I picked up that ability to notice that I didn t have to run away from anything and I didn t have to run to anything.
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I actually had to be right here in the discomfort.
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And if I could sit there and be present in the discomfort, that that itself would heal whatever I was experiencing.
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You lost two very close friends when you were 16.
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God rest their soul.
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How did that play with your mind or your outlook?
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Yeah, I lost one friend through him being involved in the wrong company and the wrong scenarios.
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And I lost the other person in a car accident.
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And, you know, both of those losses are, you know, when you lose someone at 16 and you don t really understand loss,
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especially of young people, both these people were young, it really pushes you to reflect in a way that you wouldn t usually.
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Initially, I was angry.
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I was upset because I felt they didn t deserve it.
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They were wonderful people.
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They were beautiful people.
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But somehow, why did they have to go through that?
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Why did they deserve that?
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And that s a question that you can never fully answer, of course.
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But what I realized was that the biggest mistake I could make is in not living with the insight and the learnings they gave me.
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The way it forced me to reflect was it started making me reflect on my choices in life.
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I started to realize that life was a lot shorter and a lot longer than I thought.
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And what I mean by that is, we all say life is short.
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Like live it now.
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But also life is long when you make bad choices.
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So when you make good choices, you can live happier in the present.
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And when you make bad choices, it can feel like forever, right?
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You make the wrong choice, you choose the wrong partner and you struggle to get out of a toxic relationship.
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That can feel like decades.
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Or you make a good choice in a career path that you choose and you can live in the present and enjoy the life that you re creating.
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And so life can be short and long.
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And at that point, I realized that my choices mattered more than I thought.
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I had to be far more intentional than I thought.
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I think up until then, I lived a quite unintentional, 16-year-old, unthoughtful life where it didn t really matter.
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There s no consequences to my actions.
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Let s just live on the edge.
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And all of a sudden, I started to realize, well, actually, every one of my choices does matter because if I end up living a long time, I m going to be experiencing them for a long time.
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And even if I go now in the next few years, as I ve seen some of my friends do, it s going to matter even more.
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And so either way, they matter.
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And I think I hope that realizes a lot of time people feel, well, life doesn t matter because you could go at any point.
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And it s like, well, no, it matters even more.
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Or people feel, oh, life doesn t matter because I have so long.
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And it s like, no, it matters even more because you have so long to live that experience of life.
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So I hope it helps people realize that your life matters, whichever length it ends up being.
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But to me, it made me reflect on how could I be far more intentional and conscious and thoughtful with the choices I made?
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How could I not underestimate the power of a choice?
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And I started to realize at that point that there were four important choices we make in our life.
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The first is how I feel about myself.
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How you feel about yourself is the most important choice you will ever make in your life.
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And it s a choice
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Because the way you feel about yourself is based on the thoughts you choose to believe about yourself.
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So if a thought you have about yourself is, I m not good enough, and you keep repeating that thought, you will start to believe that thought, and that thought will become your reality.
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And now you ve chosen that thought so many times that that is the life you ve chosen for yourself.
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And for me, I started to recognize at that point, I had to choose my identity rather than have my identity be chosen for me because life is short.
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And so that was the first decision.
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The second decision I realized was who you decide to spend your life with.
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The second most important decision you choose to make in your life is who you choose to give your love to and who you choose to receive love from because
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Who you choose to give love to is going to decipher whether you feel fulfilled.
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filled, whether you feel inspired, whether you feel energized, and who you choose to receive love from is going to affect your mood.
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As we get older and older and older, we spend less time with our parents, we spend less time with our families, we spend less time with our friends.
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We spend more and more time with that person that we chose to be with.
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But often we don t really make a choice based on any information.
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The third choice we make
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The most important choice we make is what we choose to do for money, what we choose to do with our lives, like what you re doing right now and what we do right now, because you re going to do that for nine, 10 hours a day, if not 14 hours a day, if not 16 hours a day for some of us.
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And then finally, the fourth most important decision you choose to make is how you serve the world, how you choose to give back, how you choose to
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reciprocate for all the greatness that you got, because no one is self-made.
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And that s when I started to realize that I had to start getting intentional about my choices, because up until then, I was just doing anything and everything.
3
SPEAKER_01
When the Taliban banned music in Afghanistan, millions were plunged into silence.
3
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Radios were smashed, cassettes burned.
3
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You could be beaten or jailed or killed for breaking the rules.
3
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And yet,
3
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Afghans did it anyway.
3
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This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol.
3
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The danger they endured.
3
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They said my head should be cut off.
3
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The joy they brought to the nation.
3
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You re free completely.
3
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No one is there to destroy you.
3
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I m John Legend.
3
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Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
3
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Guess what, Mango?
3
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What s that, Will?
3
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So iHeart is giving us a whole minute to promote our podcast, Part-Time Genius.
3
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I know, that s why I spent my whole week composing a haiku for the occasion.
3
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It s about my emotional journey in podcasting over the last seven years, and it s called Earthquake House.
3
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Mango, I m going to cut you off right there.
3
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Why don t we just tell people about our show instead?
3
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Yeah, that s a better idea.
3
SPEAKER_02
So every week on Part-Time Genius, we feed our curiosity by answering the world s most important questions.
3
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Things like, when did America start dialing 911?
3
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is William Shatner s best acting work in Esperanto.
3
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Also, what happened to Esperanto?
3
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Plus, we cover questions like how Chinese is your Chinese food?
3
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How do dollar stores stay in business?
3
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And of course, is there an Illuminati of cheese?
3
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There absolutely is.
3
SPEAKER_02
And we are risking our lives by talking about it.
3
SPEAKER_02
But if you love mind blowing facts, incredible history and really bad jokes, make your brains happy and tune in to Part Time Genius.
3
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Listen to Part Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Why did you choose to be a monk?
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The two reasons I chose to become a monk.
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I saw two things in the monks that I didn t see in anyone else.
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So when I was 18, which was how old I was when I first met the monk that I speak about in the book, Think Like a Monk.
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I had met people who were rich.
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I d met people who were famous.
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I d met people who were beautiful.
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I d met people who were powerful.
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But I don t think I d met anyone who was happy or who was content or who was self-realized or had gained some level of being centered.
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And when I met the monks, I saw two things.
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One was emotional mastery.
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The people that I met had a sense of emotional clarity and mastery of their senses, their emotions, and their ability to convert their own envy into positive energy, to convert these
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darker feelings that we experience of insecurity and ego and competition into service and collaboration.
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I saw them be able to be magicians and wizards in how they took these very lower energies from within and were able to help them to rise and transform them into things that actually benefited the world.
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The world has never been benefited by someone s ego.
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The world has never been benefited by someone s insecurities.
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And the world has never benefited by someone taking out their trauma on other people.
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And forget the world, a relationship, an individual has never benefited from any of those things.
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And I saw that these people were working on that.
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They were working on figuring that out.
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And I thought, wow, like, who else in the world is trying to figure out how to deal with these very real things that we all deal with, by the way?
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But they re trying to figure that out.
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That feels like a worthy pursuit.
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That feels like a really, really worthy pursuit.
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Because they re learning to deal with the things that make wealth meaningless.
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Right?
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If you have lots of wealth, but you have lots of envy, you ll just be envious of the other person who has more wealth.
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If you have fame, but you are insecure, fame does not solve that insecurity.
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And actually, it makes your fame worse.
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If you have beauty but you don t have self-worth, you allow people to exploit that beauty and you allow people to exploit and take advantage of it and feel empty.
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So actually, all of our life,
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We can have fame, we can have money, we can have beauty, we can have all of these things, but if we solve that core, we can actually appreciate and use and actually enjoy these things in a much deeper way.
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And so I saw with the monks that they were focusing on what I believed was the core to human life, emotional mastery.
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And the second thing they had, which I really gravitated towards, was that they quoted Emerson and Emerson said that
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we should plant trees under whose shade we do not plan to sit.
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And I love that because when we choose to extend ourselves, we ve obviously talked about service today already, but it was that service connection, what I talked about earlier, that they were choosing to live a life beyond themselves and choosing to live a life for others and people that couldn t do anything back for them.
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And I thought that there was some beauty in that because
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despite my conflicted or challenged childhood, I still had a lot more than a lot more people, right?
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As in the sense of I didn t have a lot financially or we didn t have a big home or anything like that, but I still had a good education.
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I still had parents who were making me work hard.
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I felt a sense of responsibility and accountability to give back to people who didn t have that.
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And when I went to India and I saw, you know, one experience I ll never forget,
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is I was nine years old, and it was the first time I d visited India.
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And as I told you earlier, my father s from India, southern India.
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My mother was born and raised in Yemen, but she s originally Indian.
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And so I m there at nine years old, and we re in the back of a taxi, and we re going back to our hotel.
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We re staying at a simple hotel in the city, and I m in the car, and I m looking out the window.
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I ve never seen anything like India.
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Have you ever been to India?
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So I ve never seen anything, right?
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I m a boy from London.
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I ve never seen anything like India.
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And I look out the window, and we re driving past an area where there s a lot of young children on the streets, and they re all there, and some of them are half-clothed, and you can see some of them
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probably haven t eaten for a while or haven t drunk water.
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They look like they ve had a rough time.
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And as a nine-year-old, I m seeing kids who are nine years old having the same experience.
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Now, I ve never seen this in London.
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And I see kids doing all sorts of things.
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I see some of them playing with a little ball.
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I see some of them running around.
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I see some of them just sitting there.
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And I see these legs.
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that are poking out of a trash can.
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And I realized that this kid must be inside this trash can.
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And I can see that they must be trying to scrape something out of the trash can, maybe some food or something.
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And then when the child comes out, I realized they don t have any hands.
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They re just scraping with, you know, they ve lost their hands and they re just scraping with what they have left, trying to get some food.
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And it s like, I saw that and I wanted to do anything I possibly could.
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Like, I just wanted to,
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you know, get out of the car and just run across the other side.
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But I m nine years old, and I have nothing to give them.
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And I don t know how money works.
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So I don t know what s going on.
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Like, you know, I m having this little experience where we re stuck in the traffic lights.
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And then the car moves in that, you know, I can t do anything.
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And I feel like this is the worst experience I m having right now, because I don t know what to do.
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And then we get back to the hotel.
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And I remember hearing that there was a couple of people complaining about the buffet.
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And I remember
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that just hitting me and just going, wow, like, that kid didn t have, you know, that kid was scraping the bottom of a trash can to find food.
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And, you know, me as well, I, you know, I can, we can be so ungrateful sometimes in not recognizing that benefit, which is upon us even to have access to clean water and good food.
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And it was at that point where I was like, it was at nine years old where I had that feeling, but that only came back when I saw The Monk.
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I almost forgot about it.
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It was really interesting.
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I left India, forgot about it, didn t think about it.
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And then when I met The Monk at 18 and started spending more time in India, we would actually go out to feed the homeless.
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So when I would go out, I would take part in this program that The Monks run called Midday Meals.
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And so The Monks that I was spending time with were feeding 1.2 million, now today are feeding 1.2 million kids a day.
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in India.
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And that, even though that s such an amazing number, that s just scratching the surface.
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Like that s not even enough.
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And so I got to be a part of that when I was there and go out every day and feed the kids and just, you know, see that experience.
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But it was amazing how you forget about that stuff.
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Between nine and 18, I didn t think about it once.
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You said it was two reasons, right?
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Yeah.
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So the first reason was the emotional mastery.
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And the second reason was this service element, wanting to extend our life to others.
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You know, something that has played with me in the last year is the importance of contrast in life.
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Like you wouldn t know the other if you didn t taste the other, right?
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And for you to see a buffet and a child scraping garbage, just this contrast taught you that this is ridiculous that we re hearing complaints about a buffet when somebody can t.
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If you never saw that and all you knew was buffets, you think this is the norm.
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It s okay to complain about a caviar or a buffet or a fork.
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But contrast really makes human beings compare in a healthy way sometimes.
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I hope in a lot of times.
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You said also that ego never served anyone.
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Do you think that applies also to sports, for example, or business?
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Can ego actually serve you if controlled?
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That s a great question.
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I think the first part, I really love that point you just made.
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I think it s such a powerful point that you just drew out.
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And I never saw it like that in that scenario.
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But I agree with that point of,
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I think if we were exposed to more opposites growing up, it would help us find our middle.
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It would help us find our gray.
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But we re not.
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We re just exposed to one type of lifestyle.
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And I think if we were exposed to more contrast, more paradoxes, more opposites, more
4
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seemingly challenging things, it would actually expand our horizons and expand our mind, not close it.
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I think we re scared that if someone sees something, it s going to scare them or it s going to worry them, but actually it helps them become more thoughtful.
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And I think that s one of the things
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that s become so important to me that I wouldn t have become who I am today if I didn t meet the monks.
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But if someone asked me at 16 whether I wanted to be a monk or meet a monk, I would have said no.
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I would have chucked a bottle of alcohol at them.
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The reaction would have been, you re so stupid.
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That s ridiculous.
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And so I think most of us are just too exposed to the same people, the same faces, the same things.
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Or we re exposed to the same parts of people.
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That s one of the things I think you try and do and I try and do on my podcast is, even if you know someone,
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I want you to see a deeper side of them, a new side of them, a side that you re not aware of, because it s not that that person is one-dimensional at all.
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And even today, as I m sharing with you, I feel like anyone who listens to and watches this will be like, oh, I m learning about Jay in a way that I ve never learned about Jay before.
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And that s a healthy thing to do.
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But anyway, going back to your second question about ego.
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Ego can be used to achieve great things.
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But after the achievement of those great things, it will then fail us once again.
4
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And so, yes, in business, ego can be used to achieve astronomical success.
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In sports, ego can be engaged to win incredible championships.
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But in the end, ego is the same thing that will break you and lead to ultimate failure because
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The real battle was with ego, not with the sports team and not with the other game, and not with the other team and not with the other business person.
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The real battle was with your ego.
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And so I think that confidence and ego are two separate things.
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I think a lot of athletes that I admire, and I m guessing we admire some similar athletes, they have a confidence that they are the best.
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but they back it up, and they have the ability to still glorify and appreciate someone else.
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Ego is lacking the capacity to appreciate, glorify, and admire others in public.
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If you struggle to hear good things about someone else, and to join in, and to be a part of that, and to celebrate that, that s ego.
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If you struggle to acknowledge, you may say I m the best in the world.
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You can say you re the best in the world, sure.
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But even the best in the world, if you really sat down with them, they would happily talk about someone else that inspires them to be the best in the world.
4
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They ll never say they re self-made.
4
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They ll say that I m the best in the world because I have 10 people around me who are amazing.
4
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Look at your, you have a huge team around you today.
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I would assume that
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you re getting to do this because you have a team around you.
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It s how I feel.
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We have an incredible team.
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I can walk around thinking that I m doing something phenomenal in the world, but I know that it s brought by a team.
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Ego is when you lack the ability to acknowledge that there are other people in your journey, that there are other people adding value to the world, that there are other people who are improving the world in their own way, and that there s space for everyone.
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Ego says there s only space for me.
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And I think that ultimately will lead to someone s demise because it s just not true.
4
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And ego is set up that way.
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It has to be broken by the time we die in order to let us live.
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And if we don t break our ego, life will break it for you.
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And I ve seen that many times in my own life in little ways.
4
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And I ve seen it many times in people that I ve coached.
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I ve seen it many times in people that I know where
4
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it s much easier to relinquish your own ego.
4
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It will save you a lot of time and a lot of stress.
4
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And ego doesn t mean you don t have the confidence that you re brilliant at what you do.
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I think I m really good at what I do.
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I m very comfortable saying that.
4
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But that doesn t mean that I think I m better than others.
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I just think I am who I am.
4
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I m just different.
4
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And I think that s the human construct that in modern society, we ve made people think you either have to be better or worse than others.
4
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You re either ahead or behind of others.
4
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You re either early or late compared to other people.
4
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And I m just like, I m just different.
4
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My timing is different.
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My opportunity is different.
4
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My voice is different.
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My background is different.
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And that applies to you.
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It applies to everyone in our space.
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It applies to everyone outside of our space.
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We re just different.
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It wasn t ever about being better or worse.
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I mean, you talk about soccer, right, or football,
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I m a CR7 guy all the way, but it s like the constant debate of who s better between CR7 and Messi.
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It s like, they re just different.
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They are genuinely different players.
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They played different positions in their career.
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They ve played in different places.
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They played in different teams.
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In one sense, if we acknowledge that difference is what makes us special and beautiful and what makes everyone phenomenal and we can appreciate that,
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we stop getting lost.
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And what we don t realize is when we compare ourselves to others, so if we think we re behind, then when we get ahead, we re going to be scared of the people behind us.
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Because we know that we caught up and we beat someone who was number one.
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Now we re scared of their number two.
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And so you keep staying in that cycle of like,
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I m ahead now, I m behind, I m ahead, I m behind, I m ahead.
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And that s just going to go on forever.
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I don t think Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk are sitting there looking at the rich list going, oh, I m number two now, man.
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Oh my God, I ve got to get back up to number one.
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Who s that LVMH guy who s like, you know?
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Jay, if people, I m a very practical, logical guy.
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If we just use logic, and I say, Jay is Jay.
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He s a certain height, certain look, certain eye color, certain skin color, certain personality, certain childhood, certain journey.
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Logic.
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And I say, Anas, you re the same.
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So it s already not apples to apples.
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So I can t say, how can I beat him?
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Or how can I be better than him?
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I m not competing.
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It s a pineapple and a chair.
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It s you can t just make that comparison logically.
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And if we, but people are under the perception of all human beings, I should compare myself to a girl compares herself to another girl or another actress.
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And the comparison is really dangerous because you don t know what they re going through.
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You don t know how their life is, their mental state.
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their money actually in the bank, you don t know anything.
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So this comparison is already flawed from the beginning, logically.
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So the moment you re like, how can I be better?
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Software 1.0, 1.1, 1.5, 2, and until I die, I am at the best version of J. The best, I really worked on myself, and this is the best J I could give.
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Then we re good.
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Yeah, yeah, really well said.
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I can agree with you more, and I think that
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that allows you to be inspired by others.
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I think it s really interesting, right?
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Comparison can work two ways.
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You can either compare yourself to someone and say, I wish I was them, or you can compare yourself to them and say, I m going to learn that, right?
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I see what they learned.
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I see what they studied.
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I think I do that.
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I ve done that my whole life, where I compare myself to so many people, but in a positive sense of, well, if they can do it, then I can do it.
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Or if they learn that, then how did they learn that?
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What do I need to learn?
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What am I missing?
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And then comparison becomes this beautiful thing.
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Because it s inspiring, it s energizing.
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Yeah, you can come and learn.
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Oh, Anas, use this camera.
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Maybe I can use it.
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That s a good comparison.
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Exactly, exactly.
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It s a very good point.
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So comparison can be positive and negative.
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Yeah.
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Now, I know why you became a monk.
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Why did you leave?
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Yeah, that was a hard, hard, hard decision.
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I don t, at that time, I don t think I d made a harder decision apart from joining.
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So I just want to give context because, you know, sometimes people will say like,
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You know, OJ, you became a monk so you could tell your story one day.
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And it s really interesting, that comment, because I decided to become a monk at a time when all my family and friends were like, this is the worst decision of your life.
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Like, think about this, I m a London boy, I went to a good university, I have a good education, I have a first-class honours degree, I m a straight-A student, my life is ahead of me, and I decide to go away, everyone s thinking I ve gone mad, I ve been brainwashed, or I ve lost the plot.
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And a lot of my friends and family said things to me like, Jay, this is the biggest mistake of your life, you re going to regret this decision, you re wasting your parents  investment in you, you re letting your family down.
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what are you doing with your life?
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And so I left with a lot of friction and a lot of pain and a lot of tears and a lot of emotion from my extended family who were just like, what are you doing?
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Like, this is not a good idea.
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And so I didn t leave to like a cheerleading squad of like, oh, this is amazing.
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But you know, it was quite a tough decision to leave everything behind.
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I turned down my job offers that I had in the city and I left with a lot of negativity and confusion.
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And then
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When I decided to come back, and I ll tell you why I decided to come back, but when I decided to come back, it s like all those people were there on the other side saying, we told you so.
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Look, now you messed up.
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And look at where all your friends are.
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All your friends have got promoted, they got apartments, they re getting engaged, they re getting married.
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Look at you, look where you are.
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You re three years behind everyone else.
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And so it was never easy to go or to come back because I knew what was waiting for me when I came back.
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And the reason I decided to leave is in three years when all you re doing is self-awareness in terms of so much of your work is dedicated to understanding yourself, I realized that I wasn t meant to be a monk.
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I didn t have the qualification or the
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ability to be a monk for the rest of my life.
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And what I mean by that is monks live very obedient, disciplined lives.
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And while I m a disciplined individual, I m kind of a rebel.
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I like being independent.
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I like making my own choices.
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And while that was a beautiful training ground and it was great for giving me my foundation, I felt like it was a foundation to help me fly, not a life to live forever.
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And it s almost like
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I spoke to my monk teacher when I was leaving, and I was actually really embarrassed to talk to him because I thought I was also a failure in his eyes now.
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I d already been a failure in my extended family s lives, and now I m scared, now I m letting my monk teacher down.
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And I said that to him, I said, I m so embarrassed that I m leaving after three years, and I wanted to do this for the rest of my life, and I m feeling worthless, and I m feeling empty, and I feel like I let you down.
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And he said to me, he said, Jay, what s more powerful,
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Someone goes to university or college, and after they graduate, some people become professors, and some people become entrepreneurs, or they go outside and work in a company.
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I said, which one s better?
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I said, neither of them.
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It depends who the person is.
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And he said, that s the same for you.
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He said, you came to university, you got your three years, and now you ve just got to go and use what you learned here and share it with the world.
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He said, but you don t have to stay here to make it a success.
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And that was such a freeing mindset.
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And so the reason I left was I realized I wasn t a monk in the rules, in the obedience, in the lifestyle.
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You live communally.
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You live in a room sometimes with 30 people sleeping in a room, sometimes 100 people sleeping in a room.
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it was really tough on my health.
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When you re living in that communal quarters, it s like you ve got someone waking up at 2 a.m.
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who s waking up two hours earlier to meditate, and you re waking up at 2 a.m., but you wanna be up at 4 a.m., so your sleep s disturbed because you re sitting right next to someone.
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You re using communal showers, bathrooms, like all of that space is shared.
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It was like really tough on my immunity.
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And then food as well.
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It s not like you re getting to choose off a menu what you eat every day.
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You eat what you re given.
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And I started to realize that my body and mind needed far more sensitivity than that.
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And so there was also a physical aspect that led to it.
5
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And there was a deep burning desire in my heart.
5
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I can say this to you.
5
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And I was like, there was a deep burning desire in my heart that I want to share what I ve learned because if I stay here, all my friends back home, all the people that I know that I grew up with, they ll never get access to any of this.
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because they ll never do this.
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And we re learning so many incredible things here, but I know my friends at home are struggling and suffering and going through so much, but they don t know how to start.
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So I felt some accountability and responsibility that even if I share this with the people around me, it would help them.
5
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And I had a desire to share it further, but I never imagined it would get to where it is today.
5
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I never, never in a million years thought it would be where it is today, but I had that.
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And I, all those three reasons made me very clearly convinced that
5
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I would regret it if I didn t leave, even though I was going to go back to no job, $25,000 worth of debt because of my student loan, moving back in with my parents who don t have a lot anyway, and having to figure it out from scratch.
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I was like, that s better than not living an authentic life.
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Do you wake up happy or sad?
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I wake up neither.
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I wake up feeling purposeful and disciplined.
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So there s some days where I wake up and I m tired and I d rather stay in bed, but my discipline gets me out because I have commitments that I believe are important and that are going to get me to where I want to be and who I want to be, and it s worth getting up for those.
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So then sometimes it s a discipline day.
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And sometimes it s a purposeful day.
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I wake up and I feel so connected to my purpose.
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Kind of like today, I knew I was coming to see you today.
5
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And I was excited about being with you today and with your incredible team.
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And I respect what you do so much.
5
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So today was a purposeful day.
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I didn t have to come here out of discipline.
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I came here out of purpose that I m going to get a chance to be myself and share myself with someone and someone that I ve heard so many amazing things about through mutual friends that we both respect.
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And if I can be that, then that would be amazing.
5
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And so,
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Purpose and discipline are what I try and wake up with, as opposed to happiness and sadness because I can t really be happy every day because sometimes I just got to get through the day and get it done.
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And I m not generally, I don t experience so much sadness because of the emotional mastery training really works and you don t want to spend so much time in that space either.
5
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You know, the cool thing is you figured out the show without me explaining the show.
5
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The show s slogan is discovering the human behind the title.
5
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So for me today, it s about who is Jay the human being, the ones that you, you know, people love your snippets and your videos and your podcast and your book, but who is Jay?
5
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And I want people to get to know you, and you ll see those comments usually after.
5
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You ll see, I love you, G, but now I love you more.
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I love that, that s beautiful.
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Because they connected now.
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Yes.
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That you re vulnerable, you ve had tough times.
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And what I loved about your monk story is you had the pleasure and the blessing to know also what you don t want at a certain time.
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Sometimes it s so important to know what you don t want.
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And I think you reached that three year and you re like, I ve given it a shot.
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My mission now is beyond or bigger or outside the circumference.
5
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And I think what you just answered about purposefulness, you wake up Jay, and I can relate, is because it s bigger than you.
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Thousand percent.
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That s the only way you can get up.
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If it was just about me, I d rather stay in bed.
6
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But if somebody asks you, how can I be happy?
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What would you answer them?
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Don t try to be happy.
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That would be my honest answer.
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Don t try to be happy.
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It s a loaded word, which has so many hidden meanings from so much baggage that we have in our mind of what happiness is.
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Let s say we took your example, which I love that question you asked, right?
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If we said to someone, draw what happiness looks like, either people wouldn t know what to draw, or what they would draw is what they ve seen in a movie, or what they ve seen in some picture, or they ve seen in some film, or some image.
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Because when people say they want to be happy, my challenge is, what does that mean to you?
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And do you even know if that s good for you?
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So I ll give you an example.
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Someone would say to me, Jay, if I said to someone, what would make you happy for lunch?
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What would you like to have for lunch?
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Let s go out for lunch.
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What would you like to have?
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What would make you happy?
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That person may say burgers and fries, right?
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They may say pizza.
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They may say
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a sugary drink, like some sort of whatever it may be.
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Now, that may make them happy, but it s not good for them.
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It s not actually beneficial.
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It s not actually healthy.
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And so what I m really interested in is, do we want to be happy at the cost of being healthy, at the cost of being nourished, at the cost of being fulfilled?
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Or would we rather be healthy, fulfilled, and nourished, and happiness will just come anyway because that s a far more sustainable experience?
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And so I would encourage people to pursue something very different.
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I would say pursue what s healthy in life.
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If you re healthy, you ll be happy.
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I feel that every day.
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I don t feel like going to work out every day.
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I don t feel like eating well every day.
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I always give this example of like,
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When you wake up for breakfast, or you go to lunch, or you go to dinner, and you see a healthy bowl in front of you, you feel bad before it.
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You re like, why am I doing this to myself?
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And then as soon as you ve finished it, you feel so good.
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You feel happy.
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You feel, wow, that was a great choice.
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I m so glad I chose the healthy choice, because healthy choices make me happy.
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But now, if I did the opposite, if I chose the burger and fries, and by the way, I used to eat burger and fries sometimes as well.
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I m not saying not to eat burger and fries, but if you choose the unhealthy choice, you re happy in the start.
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You re happy before it.
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You look at it and you go, let s get some more fries.
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Bring the ketchup in.
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Let s do it properly.
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You re happy at that time.
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Then you consume it.
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Then afterwards, you pay the price.
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I always focus on not how I feel before something, but how I feel after.
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The things that are good for you will feel bad before and good after.
6
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And the things that are bad for you will feel good before and terrible after.
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And so I m more focused on how can you be healthy.
6
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We want mental health.
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We want physical health.
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I want relationship health.
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I want love health.
6
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I want friendship health.
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Like health is more important to me than happiness because health creates happiness.
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And so I would encourage people to pursue health in their life.
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Have a healthy relationship with your partner.
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Have a healthy relationship with your kids.
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Have a healthy relationship with your body and your mind.
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Have a healthy relationship with
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the people you work with every day, because health will never let you down.
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Whereas happiness, you ll constantly keep trying to find it and grab it and hold it, but it will leave you, it will escape you, because it s not meant to be found, it s meant to be almost felt through being healthy.
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Like a byproduct.
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Correct, yeah, like a byproduct.
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But even more like, it s like, I think, yeah, when you think of happiness as something to be found, you keep chasing this thing that you don t know what it is and you don t know what it looks like.
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Whereas when you re healthy, you feel happy.
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And I think that s what it is.
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It s a feeling.
6
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And so this, actually, let me throw this out there to break it down even further, to really help people out, to make it practical.
6
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So at any point in time, we re doing one of four things.
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Thinking, doing, feeling, or knowing.
6
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We all know what it feels like to think.
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You re thinking a thought, and you repeat thoughts, or you change your thoughts.
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The second is doing.
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We re doing something.
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We know what that looks like.
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We all do something.
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You re shooting right now.
6
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Me and you are talking.
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I m talking.
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You re listening.
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We re doing something right now.
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The third is feeling.
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I feel sad.
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I feel happy.
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I feel tired.
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I feel burnt out.
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I feel annoyed, angry, upset.
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We know what it feels like to feel.
6
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And the fourth is knowing, which I class as more of like a spiritual, potentially for some people, faith-based, a faith intuition knowing, where there s a knowing I m in the right place.
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There s a subtle energy that s guiding you in a certain direction.
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So we re always doing one of these four things.
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What s really interesting about our generation is we re trying to change our feelings with more feelings.
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We re trying to feel different by trying to change our feelings.
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So we say things like, I don t feel like exercising today, so I won t do it.
6
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That doesn t make you feel better.
6
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It makes you feel worse.
6
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But if I say, I don t feel like working out today, I should do a workout.
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I should have the thought that working out and exercising will actually make me feel better.
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Now, when I follow through on that, I do feel better.
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And so you don t change your feelings with your feelings.
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You change your feelings through your thoughts and your actions.
6
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And we need to start using thoughts and actions to change feelings because otherwise you ll never feel like working hard.
6
SPEAKER_00
You ll never feel like going to the gym.
6
SPEAKER_00
You ll never feel like having an uncomfortable conversation with your wife.
6
SPEAKER_00
You ll never feel like asking your boss for a raise.
6
SPEAKER_00
You ll never feel like doing anything that s hard because your feelings are always going to tell you, no, no, no, don t do it.
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SPEAKER_00
So we have to change our thoughts and our actions, not our feelings.
6
SPEAKER_00
I don t know if that resonates or makes sense.
6
SPEAKER_01
No, it does.
6
SPEAKER_01
If you could teach children only one lesson, what would you teach them?
6
SPEAKER_00
Oh, these questions, man.
6
SPEAKER_00
This guy.
6
SPEAKER_00
You re a pro, man.
6
SPEAKER_00
You re amazing.
6
SPEAKER_00
That s such a great question.
6
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I m going to be thoughtful about this.
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Give me one second.
6
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Just one thing, right?
6
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
6
SPEAKER_01
Take your time.
6
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If I could teach children one thing, it would be to not repeat their parents  trauma.
6
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I think that all the challenges in the world that exist today are because we keep passing down trauma.
6
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And the trauma we experience from our parents or the people in our lives, our caregivers, we pass on to our partners and our children, and then they pass it on to the next generation, and then they pass it on to the next generation, and it keeps spreading across the world.
6
SPEAKER_00
And so the number one skill I would teach any child is the ability to heal from their own trauma, from their parents as they grow older,
6
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and help them gain the insight and the healing that means they won t just pass it on to their kids and their partners.
6
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Because it s really interesting how we just keep repeating mistakes and keep doing this.
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And I ll give you a personal example.
6
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young kid, some of the caregivers in my life, some of the people in my family, they loved me a lot, but they made me feel guilty that I didn t love them back enough.
6
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So these adults would love me, but then they would make me feel inadequate, that I don t care about them the same, that I don t make them feel as important.
6
SPEAKER_00
And I carried that for so long that when I married my wife, Radhi,
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For years in our relationship, I did the same thing to her.
6
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I loved her.
6
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I showered her with love.
6
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But then I made her feel guilty.
6
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You don t love me the same.
6
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I love you more.
6
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You don t love me enough.
6
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You don t show me you love me enough.
6
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And she s there thinking, but I do love you.
6
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I didn t ask you to do all these things, and I didn t expect any of this, and I do love you.
6
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This is how I love you.
6
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But when you ve been loved in that way, we love people the way people have loved us.
6
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And sometimes the way people have loved us has actually
6
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not being healthy.
6
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And so the love we re now repeating and passing on to other people is unhealthy love, unprocessed love.
6
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We re loving people with the same mistakes and the same negativity as the love we received, because we ve never healed that.
6
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And that s what we think love looks like.
6
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We think love looks like making someone feel guilty.
6
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Subconsciously, we don t actually think that.
6
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Subconsciously, somewhere in our heart and our mind, we think
8
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and just be in the audience every night while I m on stage, sit in a chair right now while I do this podcast, that can t be a fulfilling life for anyone, just in the same way it wouldn t be for me.
8
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Now, my wife s come to some shows.
8
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She s going to come to the London shows.
8
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She s supportive.
8
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We talk every day.
8
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It s great, but I m not going to make my wife sacrifice her purpose to support my purpose.
8
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Because if I love her,
8
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I m going to be right there supporting her and making sure she has time to do what she loves because that s what makes her special.
8
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If I take away from her what makes her special, I might even fall out of love with her.
8
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And we forget that.
8
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We think that if I change this person, they ll be more lovable.
8
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But as you try and change someone, you take away the parts you actually even love about them right now.
8
SPEAKER_01
Correct.
8
SPEAKER_01
So, yeah, man, I just, you know, in order to answer your question, I just feel like
8
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I don t even know where I started.
8
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What is love?
8
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What is love?
8
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Yeah, what is love?
8
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I don t know.
8
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I repeat Monica Bellucci article quote, and it s very similar.
8
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She s like, don t try to change your lover, your son, your child, because if you do end up changing them, you might fall out of love with them.
8
SPEAKER_01
Oh, wow, I didn t even know that.
8
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Yeah, exactly.
8
SPEAKER_01
That s exactly it.
8
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Wow, that s exactly it.
8
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It s like this Photoshop.
8
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I want to edit Jay because I have an image of what my ideal husband, brother, friend should be like, so I need to edit you.
8
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Yeah.
8
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And then when the edit is done, you re like, I don t even like him anymore.
8
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
8
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And I think sometimes the edit also comes out of an ego because I think you should be this way.
8
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Correct.
8
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You know?
8
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Is that the reason why you wrote your current book?
8
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Yeah, the reason I wrote my current book is so much of what we ve talked about today.
8
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The reason I wrote it was because I saw that falling in love was such a critical part of whether people were fulfilled in life or not.
8
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So I saw people who had amazing professional lives, but if they didn t have a partner or they didn t have love, they felt a bit unfulfilled.
8
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And I saw other people who had amazing partners, and even if their professional life wasn t good, they still felt resilient and ready for what the world would bring to them.
8
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And I want to caveat that with the real reason I wrote the book was because I wanted people to get to the deeper understanding, and I think this will resonate with you from what you just briefly told me before, is that we compare
8
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We put romantic love as the highest love.
8
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So even if you love your kids and your kids love you, even if you love your brother and he loves you, even if you love your sister and she loves you, and even if you love your mom and dad and they love you, you feel, because of the way society has set it up, that if you don t have a partner, that you can t have the ultimate love.
8
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But I disagree with that.
8
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I actually think that all love is love.
8
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Often the love that parents have for their kids is the greatest love that one will ever experience.
8
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And if you look at the greatest love stories in humanity,
8
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They re not between two people.
8
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They re not romantic love.
8
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The greatest love between two people is usually one person s sacrifice for humanity, one person s sacrifice for their people, one person s sacrifice for their community, their town, their city, their country.
8
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That s sacrifice.
8
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That s love.
8
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It s not romantic love.
8
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We don t talk about in history like two people who loved each other and how that helped the world.
8
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You never hear that story.
8
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I can t think of one couple that you think, oh yeah, when they got together, that changed the world.
8
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That made the world a better place.
8
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The love that made the world a better place was the love that a few people had for the people in their town that they protected through tough times, through the families that came through together when there were floods, when there were famines, when there were wars, when there were
8
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Hurricanes, when there were tornadoes and tsunamis, like people who came, that was the love.
8
SPEAKER_01
The love that we all felt during the pandemic when people were trying to help each other, even when it was so tough.
8
SPEAKER_01
That was love.
8
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Those were the love stories we told.
8
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So let s not live and think, if I don t have someone in my life, that I m without love.
8
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I have an interesting question that needs your imagination.
8
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Go on.
8
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It s a cool one.
8
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But I need you to close your eyes.
8
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OK.
8
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OK.
8
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I want you, Jay, to imagine empty desert.
8
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Easy to do here.
8
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Yeah, very.
8
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Nothing in this desert.
8
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Completely empty.
8
SPEAKER_00
And then suddenly you see a cube.
8
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Have you done this cube test before?
8
SPEAKER_01
I ve never done the cube test.
8
SPEAKER_01
I ve done something else, but not a cube test.
8
SPEAKER_00
So now in this empty desert, you see a cube up here.
8
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Can you describe the cube?
8
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Yeah, it s white.
8
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And I m going to, because it s changing in size right now, but I m going to say it s white and big, like it s big enough for me to walk into.
8
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OK.
8
SPEAKER_00
And is it on the surface, sunk, floating?
8
SPEAKER_01
It is on the surface.
8
SPEAKER_00
On the surface.
8
SPEAKER_00
Is it transparent or solid?
8
SPEAKER_01
It is solid on the sides, transparent in the part that I can walk into.
8
SPEAKER_00
And then you see suddenly a ladder appear.
8
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Where is it?
8
SPEAKER_01
The ladder is on top of the cube pointing into the sky.
8
SPEAKER_00
How tall is it?
8
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Is it above 12 steps or less?
8
SPEAKER_01
It is above 12 steps.
8
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New or old?
8
SPEAKER_01
It s new.
8
SPEAKER_00
OK.
8
SPEAKER_00
So it s on top of the cube.
8
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And after the cube, you see a horse.
8
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Describe the horse.
8
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So the horse is a platinum horse.
8
SPEAKER_01
And the horse is very active, like running fast, but also raising on its back legs.
8
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And it s a beautiful horse.
8
SPEAKER_01
It s like, you know, I mean, the horse has platinum, so it s pretty, it s pretty spectacular.
8
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It s a vision.
8
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Is it running to the cube, to away?
8
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Where is it going?
8
SPEAKER_01
I would say right now it s running around the cube.
8
SPEAKER_00
OK.
8
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After the horse, you see flowers appear.
8
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Where?
8
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In the round circle that the horse has formed.
8
SPEAKER_01
So it s the cube in the middle, ladder on top, and then there s all these beautiful flowers now around, and then the horse is running around there.
8
SPEAKER_00
OK.
8
SPEAKER_00
And after the flowers, I m assuming they re in good health?
8
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
8
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The way you described it.
8
SPEAKER_00
OK.
8
SPEAKER_00
And after the flowers, you see a storm.
8
SPEAKER_00
Where is the storm?
8
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all the way in the background, far away.
8
SPEAKER_00
Is it affecting any of the things?
8
SPEAKER_01
No.
8
SPEAKER_00
Okay, open your eyes.
8
SPEAKER_01
I ve never done that before.
8
SPEAKER_00
Seriously, I m glad.
8
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I ve never done that before.
8
SPEAKER_01
I ve never done that before, so I had no idea.
8
SPEAKER_00
Look, I have you in front of me, so I m taking advantage of the time.
8
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, do it, man, do it.
8
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I ve never done that.
8
SPEAKER_01
I love stuff like that, and I ve never done that before, so that s good.
8
SPEAKER_00
You re gonna love this.
8
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, go ahead.
8
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It s called the Coccology Cube Test by a Japanese psychologist.
8
SPEAKER_01
Cool, I love it.
8
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I love stuff like that.
8
SPEAKER_01
I m excited now.
8
SPEAKER_00
You can even use it.
8
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You ll find it on Google and everything.
8
SPEAKER_00
So the cube is your sense of self or ego.
8
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Yours was a medium size.
8
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So it s between bold, confident, and willing to be seen, and small, which is introvert, shy, modest, quiet, rather to blend in and stand out.
8
SPEAKER_00
You re somewhere in the middle because it was a nice size you could walk into.
8
SPEAKER_00
Standing on the sand means you re stable, know what they want from life, and intend to get it.
8
SPEAKER_00
You re logical and precise.
8
SPEAKER_01
Sounds right.
8
SPEAKER_00
And you re the first one who had a solid and hollow.
8
SPEAKER_00
So you re between knowing yourself and not easily manipulated and you re very self-assured and still busy discovering yourself.
8
SPEAKER_01
That feels right.
8
SPEAKER_01
That feels fair.
8
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, that s good.
8
SPEAKER_01
That s good.
8
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
8
SPEAKER_00
Ladder is family and friends.
8
SPEAKER_00
OK.
8
SPEAKER_00
This was interesting because I ve hardly got this.
8
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
8
SPEAKER_00
You said it s fairly new.
8
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So most of your friends are fairly new or you don t know each other well because of maybe your new tour and all of the life that you re living now.
8
SPEAKER_00
You said many steps.
8
SPEAKER_00
So you probably enjoy being the social butterfly.
8
SPEAKER_00
You know, a lot of people, a lot of acquaintances, few friends, but also entertain acquaintances.
8
SPEAKER_01
And I would agree with that.
8
SPEAKER_01
I would say that I have a lot of new friends because I ve moved country and moved state.
8
SPEAKER_01
So I ve had to build new community.
8
SPEAKER_01
Like I ve been in LA for five years now.
8
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
8
SPEAKER_01
That s fairly new.
8
SPEAKER_01
And I didn t know anyone when I moved to LA.
8
SPEAKER_01
So it s been a lot of new community.
8
SPEAKER_01
I have a lot of good old friends that are like my best friends that I grew up with.
8
SPEAKER_01
But yes, I ve always kept a tighter circle.
8
SPEAKER_01
Like I don t have a huge circle.
8
SPEAKER_01
So that feels fair.
8
SPEAKER_01
And yes, I have a lot of acquaintances, of course.
8
SPEAKER_00
Higher than the cube.
8
SPEAKER_00
Value friends and family very highly and depend on them.
8
SPEAKER_00
OK.
8
SPEAKER_00
So you said it s touching the cube.
8
SPEAKER_00
So not completely dependent on family and friends, but rely on them for support and guidance at times.
8
SPEAKER_01
Correct.
8
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
8
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I would consider myself to be, as in that s good and accurate, I would consider myself to be quite independent in how I make decisions.
8
SPEAKER_01
But I appreciate the value that friends and family have in life.
9
SPEAKER_01
Like, I don t, I wouldn t want to live a lonely life.
9
SPEAKER_01
I don t think that s healthy to, you know, disconnect completely in order to be successful or anything.
9
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
9
SPEAKER_00
Horse, ideal partner, Radhi.
9
SPEAKER_00
So he said, it s interesting, he said she was going around the cube.
9
SPEAKER_00
So close to the cube signifies a close relationship.
9
SPEAKER_00
And he said the sturdy, glamorous prancing, or a glamorous prancing house.
9
SPEAKER_00
You value outward appearance and want someone that others would also approve of.
9
SPEAKER_00
And a sign, moving towards the cube, a sign of new relationship or strengthening of bonds of an older relationship.
9
SPEAKER_01
Well, I think Raleigh orbiting makes a lot of sense because we re both connected, but we re both doing our own thing.
9
SPEAKER_01
And so there s like a, yeah, that s interesting.
9
SPEAKER_01
That s fascinating.
9
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
9
SPEAKER_01
And the platinum, that doesn t, what is that called?
9
SPEAKER_00
It s the beauty.
9
SPEAKER_01
Oh, that s the beauty, right.
9
SPEAKER_00
You have a very unique partner, it seems, because I ve never heard platinum before.
9
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, yeah, Raleigh is... The hair, whatever.
9
SPEAKER_01
Raleigh is very, like, yeah, she s a very unique person for sure.
9
SPEAKER_01
Like, I ve never met anyone who has judged me as little.
9
SPEAKER_01
criticized me as little and not wanting me to change as little.
9
SPEAKER_01
I ve never met someone like that.
9
SPEAKER_01
I think everyone I d ever dated before wanted me to change in a certain way, judge me in a certain way, criticize me in a certain way.
9
SPEAKER_01
And to be with someone who s really happy with you being who you are,
9
SPEAKER_01
and allowing you to make mistakes and allowing you to rectify them and then you provide the same space back to them.
9
SPEAKER_01
That s the uniqueness that I love the most because it s hard to find that.
9
SPEAKER_01
It s hard to find that.
9
SPEAKER_00
Very.
9
SPEAKER_00
She must be very at peace with herself.
9
SPEAKER_01
She is.
9
SPEAKER_01
She s definitely at peace.
9
SPEAKER_01
She s so self-assured.
9
SPEAKER_01
I ve never met someone who s not insecure in that way.
9
SPEAKER_00
Flowers.
9
SPEAKER_00
Children.
9
SPEAKER_01
We don t have any yet.
9
SPEAKER_00
But still the idea that it was between the cube and her and it was around you, which is both, it s the joint venture, you know?
9
SPEAKER_00
And near the cube shows you wish for a close relationship with your children, future children.
9
SPEAKER_00
Amount of flowers signifies the amount of children you d like to have.
9
SPEAKER_00
I saw way too many flowers.
9
SPEAKER_00
But I think, in my experience with this question, it s children in general.
9
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
9
SPEAKER_00
You like to be with children because they re pure or what some people don t like.
9
SPEAKER_00
You d see that he says one flower, two flowers.
9
SPEAKER_00
You like the company of kids.
9
SPEAKER_01
I also see what s beautiful about that, and I think you ll resonate with this, is so my monk teachers never had biological children because they re monks and they re celibate and they don t have partners.
9
SPEAKER_01
But they always treated us like they re kids or younger brothers, depending on the age difference.
9
SPEAKER_01
And I ve always found that, like my community and my audience, I see them as younger brothers and sisters.
9
SPEAKER_01
I see them as people who are...
9
SPEAKER_01
You know, that feels like that paternal aspect, if that makes sense.
9
SPEAKER_01
Not like a father, but like a sense of being an older brother.
9
SPEAKER_01
There s that paternal aspect I have towards even my community and audience, because it s like, hey, I don t need to make the mistakes I made.
9
SPEAKER_01
Like, you know, here s what I m learning.
9
SPEAKER_01
Like, there s that guidance you want to pass on.
9
SPEAKER_01
So I also see that example perfectly as it s not just biological children.
9
SPEAKER_01
It s people of the world that you feel you want to extend yourself to.
9
SPEAKER_01
So I love that.
9
SPEAKER_00
The last one is the storm, fear, stress, and anxiety.
9
SPEAKER_00
Vaguely in sight or on the horizon, you are at a more peaceful inner place.
9
SPEAKER_00
However, the closer the storm, the closer they meet the threat.
9
SPEAKER_00
And he said it didn t engage with any of the elements.
9
SPEAKER_00
So you consider the threats, any of them, manageable.
9
SPEAKER_00
And you have the confidence and ability to resolve them.
9
SPEAKER_01
That is a really cool activity.
9
SPEAKER_01
That s probably the best one that I ve heard of.
9
SPEAKER_01
Because I ve done some more simple ones that have been done with me.
9
SPEAKER_00
You have to try this with Radhi before the interview.
9
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, before she sees this.
9
SPEAKER_00
It shows you also how honest a person was on your interview or whatever, because they can tell you their story, but this is subconscious answers.
9
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I had no idea.
9
SPEAKER_01
I mean, I ve genuinely never done that before.
9
SPEAKER_01
And actually, also what I love about it is you don t know what you re being asked about.
9
SPEAKER_01
So I had no idea the horse was Radhi or the flowers were the kheers.
9
SPEAKER_01
It s brilliant.
9
SPEAKER_01
It s really good, man.
9
SPEAKER_01
Thank you.
9
SPEAKER_00
Do we do the AB Talks one?
9
SPEAKER_00
The random card?
9
SPEAKER_00
You have it?
9
SPEAKER_00
Ah, nice.
9
SPEAKER_00
Okay, give me.
9
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, let s do it.
9
SPEAKER_00
So this, we just released this.
9
SPEAKER_01
Oh yeah, I love this.
9
SPEAKER_01
Let s do it, man.
9
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
9
SPEAKER_00
Let me just get a bunch and we ll just do one.
9
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
9
SPEAKER_01
Oh wow, there s a dice as well.
9
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, we ll use this.
9
SPEAKER_00
So, mix.
9
SPEAKER_01
This is cool, man.
9
SPEAKER_00
Alright.
9
SPEAKER_00
Let s just use one.
9
SPEAKER_00
The question is, do you think of yourself as an optimist or a pessimist?
9
SPEAKER_00
Throw this, and you have to answer accordingly.
9
SPEAKER_00
Throw it.
9
SPEAKER_01
Throw it?
9
SPEAKER_01
Oh right, okay, but not far away.
9
SPEAKER_01
Anywhere.
9
SPEAKER_00
We ll read it.
9
SPEAKER_01
Story.
9
SPEAKER_01
Oh, okay.
9
SPEAKER_01
Oh wow, that s a great addition, man.
9
SPEAKER_01
I ve not seen anyone do that.
9
SPEAKER_00
We worked on this for nearly two years.
9
SPEAKER_00
I ve not seen anyone do that.
9
SPEAKER_00
That is genius.
9
SPEAKER_00
That s brilliant.
9
SPEAKER_01
That is the best.
9
SPEAKER_01
OK, guys, you will have to get this box of cards, because that is the best one I ve seen.
9
SPEAKER_01
I ve done cards, but that s a beautiful edition.
9
SPEAKER_00
So pessimist or optimist in story form.
9
SPEAKER_00
OK.
9
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
9
SPEAKER_01
I know which one it is, but I m trying to find the story.
9
SPEAKER_01
So I d say overall, optimist.
9
SPEAKER_01
And the story is when Radhi and I got married,
9
SPEAKER_01
I made a commitment to her and a promise to her that we would live within one mile radius from her parents  home.
9
SPEAKER_01
And I was happy to commit to that and I was optimistic about it and I was looking forward to it.
9
SPEAKER_01
Our friends live in that area and we like the area.
9
SPEAKER_01
And then two weeks after we got married, I got an opportunity to move to New York.
9
SPEAKER_01
And when I told her about it, it was heartbreaking for her because she s so close to her family and she wanted to be close to her parents.
9
SPEAKER_01
But I was so optimistic about the move.
9
SPEAKER_01
So in 2016, I changed job three times, I got married, and I moved country all in one year.
9
SPEAKER_01
And they say that those are three of the most crazy things to do in life.
9
SPEAKER_01
And the only one that we didn t add was have a baby that year.
9
SPEAKER_01
But those are considered to be like three of the most difficult things to do in a year, like change jobs, change country and get married.
9
SPEAKER_01
We did it all within three months.
9
SPEAKER_01
And I was optimistic that it would be okay.
9
SPEAKER_01
Like I was like, yeah, this is gonna work out.
9
SPEAKER_01
This is fine.
9
SPEAKER_01
But it s a lot of like, it s very demanding.
9
SPEAKER_01
Like the reality is that
9
SPEAKER_01
I was very optimistic, but it s extremely demanding.
9
SPEAKER_01
So you have to be that optimistic about it because it s hard.
9
SPEAKER_01
It s much harder than it looks.
9
SPEAKER_01
It s much harder than I thought it was.
9
SPEAKER_01
But I m an optimist.
9
SPEAKER_00
What are you afraid of?
9
SPEAKER_01
I think my honest fear for a long time has been not reaching my potential.
9
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And that s what s spurred me on so much is that
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I never wanted to live a life I felt like I got given a lot of gifts and a lot of beautiful mentors, teachers, guides in my life.
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And my fear would be that I don t, not that I don t live up to what they want, because they don t have any pressure, but that I don t feel like I lived up to that potential.
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But a deeper answer that s coming to me right now as I m sitting with you is that, I d say the fear I work on the most, I d like to give that answer if that helps.
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I m always working on my fears because it feels manageable and a healthy thing to do.
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The fear I work on the most is getting ready to be able to free myself one day for when all of this goes away, that I ll be able to peacefully let it go, that I ll be able to happily step back and realize that it was a beautiful blessing and a beautiful journey and that I did my part.
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But then now it s okay to let it go.
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It s okay to be insignificant.
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It s okay to be irrelevant.
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It s okay to be forgotten.
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That s okay.
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It s okay.
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And to allow yourself that peace that at the time of death, when it comes that you did your part and you tapped out and that life was about so much more than just this, that seems all consuming and all central at this point.
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My relationship with God and my relationship with the universe, my service to humanity was always what it was about and it didn t matter what it looked like and how it sounded and what it felt like.
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It was just that I did my part and that I left peacefully.
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I think being able to be prepared for that is the fear I work on the most.
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It s one of the best answers I ve got.
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If you were on your deathbed, hopefully after a long, fulfilling life, and you were surrounded with loved ones, people you can imagine now, that you want them around you, and you had the blessing of saying a few words before you die, what do you think you d say?
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I would say, don t cry for me.
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Don t cry for losing me,
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Cry for the people that are in pain right now who are still alive and find a way in your life and in your heart to positively impact just one person.
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Take your time to extend your life beyond your family and friends to one person out there who may need your love the most right now, someone you may not even know, someone you may have never met, someone
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who s a stranger, if you could just extend yourself, extend that love you feel for me right now, extend that love to them.
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I m good, I don t need it.
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Extend that love to just one other person.
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If you can extend your love to and express your love to one person apart from me with the same love you feel for me, that would be the greatest gift of your love for me.
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And hypothetically, if I could take your heart and place it in front of you, what do you think your heart will tell Jay?
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At that time?
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Now.
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Oh, now.
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Just keep speaking your truth.
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Some people will like it.
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Some people will hate it.
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Some people will understand you.
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Some people will judge you.
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Just keep speaking your truth, because that s all you have anyway.
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What is something you need more than anything at this stage in your life?
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What I need most of my life right now is to trust myself just like I trust myself seven years ago when I started this journey.
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That I don t know the path ahead, but we ll figure it out.
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Last one.
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J in one word.
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Purpose.
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Thanks.
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Thank you very much.
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I enjoyed this.
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I loved it.
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I have a fun one.
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Go on.
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If you could choose three people on a dinner table, dead or alive, and they all speak the same language, who would you choose?
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Because I know you met a lot of people in your life, and some maybe you never met, but would you love?
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So everyone I admire is dead.
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And so it would be Steve Jobs.
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I ve studied Steve Jobs  life for years.
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I find him fascinating.
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And he was very spiritual too.
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He spent a lot of time with monks in India.
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And so I have a lot of fascination because he has this incredible East-West paradigm and dynamic in his life.
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And so Steve Jobs would be at that table.
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I d say Nikola Tesla, like Tesla himself, because I think that
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There s very few people, again, so you ll notice all the people I m picking, they had East and West.
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They were able to see, he was able to see science, but then he had a belief in something beyond science.
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That s what fascinates me, is people who are able to find these synergies in things that we often see as black and white or opposites.
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The paradox is the contrast you talked about earlier.
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So Steve Jobs, Tesla.
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And yeah, I would say, I would have to add,
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Martin Luther King, because I don t know anyone who built... When you talk about these people, what they built shattered so many generations of thought.
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And so I think what I m trying to do in the world, and what we re trying to do, both of us are trying to do in the world, is we re trying to
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shatter so many myths and misconceptions that exist in the world around people, around ideas, around culture and society.
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And I don t think, can t think of anyone better than Martin Luther King who did it in such a prolific way and emphatic way that, you know, has made such a difference, long lasting and broke down something that was so longstanding.
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So.
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I agree.
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Yeah.
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Those three people.
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You know, what s funny while we were doing the interview,
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We sometimes move similarly.
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Really?
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Like when you re thinking and I m thinking, I can see we do this.
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Oh, really?
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You do too?
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I always do it.
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Yeah, yeah.
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And sometimes you do this and I do this.
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We re just doing the same thing.
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That s so funny, man.
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That s so funny.
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I love that.
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No, dude, you are phenomenal at what you do.
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Honestly, you are so good at what you do.
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Easily, easily the best interview I ve done in a long, long time.
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And it s because of you.
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And also the stillness and the presence I feel in this room is really special.
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So I was so present because the environment you guys have all created and the energy that you guys have created, it s like,
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You don t see them not move.
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It s real.
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Not even cough.
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But I mean, it s incredible in here.
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So thank you.
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Thank you, man.
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Honestly, I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
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I think it takes two to tango also.
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I could be a very good interviewer, but if I m not dancing.
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I hope you felt that.
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I really gave it to you.
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We can easily talk for hours.
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Have you ever had a friend get really into something and then try to get you into it too?
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Like doing a detox, going minimalist, or taking up CrossFit.
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Maybe you even got psyched and said, yes, I m totally doing that.
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But when it came down to it, you never did give up coffee, get rid of half of your stuff, or learn how to do a muscle-up.
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Well, if you felt bad that you didn t follow through, don t worry.
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The problem wasn t with you.
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It was with your why.
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The next seven minutes are about your goals and how to line them up with what really matters.
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I m Jay Shetty.
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Welcome to The Daily Jay.
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Before we dig into our goals, let s pause and get centered with three deep breaths.
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So take a deep breath in and let it out.
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Flowing in and flowing out.
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Gathering up your attention and landing in this moment.
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Now let s dive in.
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A few years ago, a team of psychologists wanted to study what makes people accomplish some of their goals but not others.
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They asked subjects to list a few personal objectives they were trying to accomplish.
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The participants said things like pay off debt, lose 20 pounds, and clean out my closets.
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The researchers had them rate how they were faring and then answer a pretty unusual question.
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Did trying to achieve each outcome make them feel more or less connected to their true self?
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The participants were also asked to indicate how much they believed that accomplishing those goals would make other people like or respect them.
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In the end, the researchers found that when our goals align with what s truly important to us, we re more likely to achieve them.
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But when our motivation is to make others happy or to look good, the odds are against us doing what we set out to do.
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Whether it s from parents, friends, or even just culture at large, it s easy to feel buried under a mountain of shoulds.
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For one, people are often quick to offer us advice.
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Or we see what others are doing and automatically think we must do the same.
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Either way, it s easy to internalize those shoulds and make them our goals.
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I should do yoga.
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I should start a company.
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I should travel more.
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Those objectives may be positive, but if they don t align with our values or what we want for our lives, we re less likely to accomplish them.
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And that can derail our confidence, sap our drive, or distract us from what we really want.
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Maybe you came across an article that outlined how every successful person reads at least 20 books a year.
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And you say, I m gonna do that.
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But two months in, you re only halfway through book one.
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Then the criticism starts.
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Why can t I just do this, you think.
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What s wrong with me?
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But the issue isn t aptitude or even attitude.
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It s alignment.
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The goal was never truly meaningful to you.
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Of course, it s totally fine to get external inspiration.
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Sometimes what someone else is doing can clue us into our own passions and desires.
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But you might find yourself pursuing something only because you feel like it will increase your status or help you fit in.
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Or perhaps you think it s what you re supposed to do.
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If that s the case, chances are it s going to be an uphill climb.
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And if you do make it up the hill, you may not feel as excited or fulfilled as you d imagined.
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So as much as possible, try to set goals that appeal to your
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authentic self, line up what you want with who you are.
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And now, with our time today winding down, let s turn to a short meditation before reflecting on your goals.
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So get comfortable wherever you are, tuning in to the present, and leaning into ease.
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Letting go of distractions, judgments, or expectations as you give yourself permission to pause and simply be here in this moment.
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Continuing to settle your mind.
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Continuing to settle your body.
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continuing to embrace your experience of the present.
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Now begin to become a little more aware of your experience, aware of how you re feeling physically, emotionally, mentally.
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aware of any thoughts that may be popping up, or aware of the quiet in your mind.
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Whatever your experience, see if you can observe it with clarity and non-judgment, while always orienting yourself toward ease.
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When we check in like this, we start to grow more aware of ourselves and any forces that are pushing or pulling us.
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Hopefully, ultimately, we can take back some of the control.
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Now let s open this up.
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Bring to mind a current goal of yours.
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Is that objective aligned with your authentic self?
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Is it something that really matters to you?
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Or is it assured you ve internalized from the outside world?
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Going forward, can you make sure your aspirations come from you instead of others?
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Thank you so much for being here today.
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I hope to see you back again tomorrow.
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A new season of Bridgerton is here.
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And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
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I m your host, Gabby Collins.
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And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the ton.
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Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
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Then fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.