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Bring a little optimism into your life with The Bright Side, a new kind of daily podcast from Hello Sunshine, hosted by me, Danielle Robay.
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And me, Simone Boyce.
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Every weekday, we re bringing you conversations about culture, the latest trends, inspiration, and so much more.
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I am so excited about this podcast, The Bright Side.
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You guys are giving people a chance to shine a light on their lives, shine a light on a little advice that they want to share.
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Listen to The Bright Side on America s number one podcast network, iHeart.
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Open your free iHeart app and search The Bright Side.
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Something that makes me crazy is when people say, well, I had this career before, but it was a waste.
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And that s where the perspective shift comes, that it s not a waste, that everything you ve done has built you to where you are now.
0
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This is She Pivots, the podcast where we explore the inspiring pivots women have made and dig deeper into the personal reasons behind them.
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Join me, Emily Tish Sussman, every Wednesday on She Pivots.
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Listen to She Pivots on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
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Get emotional with me, Radhi Devlukia, in my new podcast, A Really Good Cry.
0
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We re going to be talking with some of my best friends.
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SPEAKER_05
I didn t know we were going to go there on this.
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People that I admire.
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When we say listen to your body, really tune in to what s going on.
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SPEAKER_05
Authors of books that have changed my life.
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Now you re talking about sympathy, which is different than empathy.
0
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Never forget, it s OK to cry as long as you make it a really good one.
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Listen to A Really Good Cry with Radhi Devlukia on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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We make up, then we break up.
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We make up, then we break up.
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We make up, then we break up.
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You re always thinking about breaking up.
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You re always thinking about how to break up, but you don t know how.
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I think a lot of us are scared to break up because of what it means.
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It means loneliness.
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It means weekends and evenings alone.
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It means having that uncomfortable, awkward conversation that we don t want to have.
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The number one health and wellness podcast.
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Jay Shetty.
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Jay Shetty.
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The one, the only, Jay Shetty.
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Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the place you come to listen, learn, and grow.
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Thank you to everyone who s subscribed.
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Thanks to everyone who s left a review.
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It s incredible to have our community continue to grow.
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If you haven t already, make sure you ve downloaded all the latest episode because I don t want you to miss out on any of our amazing conversations or solos.
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We ve had some phenomenal guests lately, so many more coming up.
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Make sure you don t miss out.
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Now, today s episode is all about the ways to know if it s time to end your relationship.
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Now, sometimes it s not as clear.
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Sometimes it s not that bad.
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Sometimes it s not the end of the world yet.
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And often we ll find that people in our life, and maybe even you, have had moments where you end a relationship and then you realize it ended 12 months ago.
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It ended 24 months ago.
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Right?
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How many times have you left a job, left a relationship, maybe even a friendship, and then when you reflected on it, you realize, wait a minute, that was over such a long time ago, and I ve just wasted time.
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This is to help you get that head start.
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It s to help you save time.
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This episode is dedicated to anyone who s been going back and forth in their mind thinking, I deserve better.
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Am I settling?
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Is this the right person for me?
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How do I know?
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Now, I want to start by saying one thing.
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I think today, because we live in a world of what seems like infinite choice and what seems like available love, I think we actually make bad decisions, right?
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The studies have always shown that the more choice we have, the less good our decisions are as humans.
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We struggle to pick cereal in the cereal aisle.
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We struggle to pick the right pickle or whatever else it may be because we re exposed to so many choices.
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And now that the dating world has caught up with the consumer world, that s the same experience we have.
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We all believe there s plenty more fish in the sea.
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We believe that there s someone else who ll tick 9 out of 10 boxes if someone that we currently are with is 7 out of 10.
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And so a lot of us don t think about building growing relationships.
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We think about finding and discovering.
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And that language in and of itself is such a big challenge, right?
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When you re thinking, I m going to find my person.
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I m just going to find them.
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They re going to be ready-made.
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They re going to be as they are, rather than the truth that we re probably going to have to build with someone or grow with someone.
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See, the truth is, relationships get harder, not easier.
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People put in less effort, not more.
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People get lazier, not smarter.
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And people change.
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They rarely stay the same.
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So knowing that this is the reality of relationships, when we want to be in a long-term, committed, loyal relationship, what we re saying is, I m willing to build,
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I m willing to grow and i m willing to learn that s actually what we re signing up for and i think.
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The reason why so many of us want to move is because we feel we re not building anymore when i m growing anymore when i m learning anymore we never did.
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And so today I want to answer that question.
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Is it really time to leave?
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Do you have real reason to leave and move on?
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Or is it really just a part of us that doesn t want to put in the effort?
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We just want to enjoy the six months honeymoon period.
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We just want to enjoy the good times, but we re not really ready for a long term committed, loyal relationship.
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Now, I was looking at a study and researchers asked people considering whether to end their relationship, what factors someone in their shoes might weigh when making the decision.
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Respondents came up with a number of reasons which researchers classified into 50 common themes.
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But here are the top 10 pros and cons people suggested.
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So these were the top 10 reasons people said that they would stay in a relationship.
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Number one, emotional intimacy.
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If you felt emotional intimacy, then that was a good reason to stay.
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Now let s talk about what emotional intimacy is.
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Emotional intimacy I also describe often as emotional availability.
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When you want to share your feelings, when you want to share your thoughts, is the other person available?
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Are they able to listen, recognize, understand, and comprehend what you re feeling?
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Intimacy, emotionally, is a sense of closeness.
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You feel like the other person gets you and understands you.
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Now, of course, not all the time, and not when they re under stress, and not when there s lots of other stuff going on.
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But overall, you feel that they get you.
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They understand you.
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They re willing to go there with you emotionally.
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The second reason to stay
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was emotional investment.
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Notice how the word emotional has already come up twice out of two in a list of 10.
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Are you feeling emotionally invested in this relationship?
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Do you feel like the person cares about how you feel?
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This is one of the most important questions.
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Does this person care about how you feel, right?
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Do they care that you feel good or feel bad?
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Do they care that you re struggling or you re doing well?
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And a lot of the times we don t ask this question, do we care?
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Are we always the one trying to get this person to change and be different or do we have the capacity also to emotionally invest in them?
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The third reason people said to stay was family duty.
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Now this one s a tough one because everyone has different values around this.
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I recently had a great conversation with Dr. Daniel Amen around how to raise children and the scientific
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reasons as to whether people should stay together or move apart and what was very very clear was all about the quality of the relationship i think one thing we don t recognize is i often say to people that life is shorter than you think but longer than you think as well right it s shorter
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in the sense that we need to make the most of our time.
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But it s longer when you don t make the most of your time, and now you re in a bad position for 10, 20, 30 years.
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So family duty is a double-edged sword.
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Number four, reasons to say.
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Partner s personality.
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Do you actually like them?
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Or are you always trying to mold them?
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Are you always trying to shift them?
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Are you always wanting
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Are you wanting them to be better?
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What is your partner s personality like?
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Are you always thinking, oh gosh, I wish they didn t say that in that public setting?
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Are you always feeling awkward or uncomfortable around them in their behavior towards you and others?
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Or is that something you always knew and it was quirky and something you liked about them?
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Number five is enjoyment.
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Notice how as relationships grow, enjoyment has gone down, right?
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Having a good time would have been top of the pile back in the day, but now it s halfway through.
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Now, a lot of people think that s because the spark s gone.
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A lot of people think that s because it s not fun anymore.
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The truth is that
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Long-term relationships give us very different things from short-term relationships.
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Long-term relationships give us that emotional intimacy, that emotional investment, and what number six is, emotional security.
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That becomes far more meaningful and valuable to us as individuals, as relationships grow.
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Now, I m not saying that you can t still have enjoyment or have fun, of course you can, but what I m saying is that different things become more important as time goes on.
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When you re emotionally secure, you feel that the other person won t use your emotional expression against you.
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That s what emotional security means.
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You feel that the secrets you ve shared, the flaws you ve shown, the issues, concerns that you ve raised will not be used against you.
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If you feel that they re going to be used against you,
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that means you feel emotionally insecure.
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You don t trust that someone actually values what you re experiencing and going through.
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Now, I wanna draw a line here because I think for a lot of us, a lot of us can feel that, but then our partners may actually say something like, but I don t know where you got that from, right?
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I m not sure, I feel like I m showing you that we re emotionally secure.
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We have to really differentiate between whether what we re feeling is based on a past insecurity or whether it s based on a present insecurity.
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Listen to this carefully.
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Is your emotional insecurity based on past experiences or is it based on this individual?
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The way to understand this is to ask yourself the question, has this person
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done things independent of what I ve been through in the past that have made me feel emotionally insecure?
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Or actually, do I have an insecurity that I have been carrying from relationship to relationship to relationship that continues to have a stronghold in my life?
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Number seven is physical intimacy.
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Feeling like there still is a space to explore that, to express that.
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There s an excitement from both sides.
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Number eight reason to stay was financial benefits.
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This is something that s unspoken about, but marriage and relationships were built on the idea that it would be easier to rent a bigger space together.
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It would be easier to split the costs of the grocery bill.
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There were financial needs that needed to be met.
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Number nine is compatibility and number 10 is concern for partner.
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Do you feel a sense of concern?
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Now that one again can be a double-edged sword because I know a lot of people that I ve spoken to who felt that
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They were staying in the relationship because it positively benefited their partner, even if it negatively affected them.
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So you think, if I leave this relationship, that person s going to fall apart.
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But you re falling apart in the relationship trying to keep them together.
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Think about that for a second.
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So often you stay in a relationship because you don t want someone else to fall apart.
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Not realizing that you re falling apart while you re trying to keep them together.
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If you fall apart while you re trying to keep someone else together, then it s a losing battle.
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And so sometimes your concern for your partner can be false compassion.
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Right, false compassion is this belief that we can solve, fix, figure out someone else s problems, and that if we re in their life, then they ll be okay, even if that means we re not okay.
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And I know people right now who are going through breakups and divorces, who ve tried to do that for 10 years, and the sad and most horrific part of it is that the people who ve been negatively affected are them.
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Something that makes me crazy is when people say, well, I had this career before, but it was a waste.
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And that s where the perspective shift comes.
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That it s not a waste, that everything you ve done has built you to where you are now.
1
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This is She Pivots.
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the podcast where we explore the inspiring pivots women have made and dig deeper into the personal reasons behind them.
1
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Join me, Emily Tish Sussman, every Wednesday on She Pivots, as I sit down with inspiring women like Misty Copeland, Brooke Shields, Vanessa Hudgens, and so many more.
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We dive into how these women made their pivot and their mindset shifts that happened as a result.
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It s a podcast about women, their stories, and how their pivot became their success.
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Listen to She Pivots on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
1
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Get emotional with me, Radhi Devlukia, in my new podcast, A Really Good Cry.
1
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We re going to talk about and go through all the things that are sometimes difficult to process alone.
1
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We re going to go over how to regulate your emotions, diving deep into holistic personal development, and just building your mindset to have a happier, healthier life.
1
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We re going to be talking with some of my best friends.
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I didn t know we were going to go there.
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people that I admire.
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When we say listen to your body, really tune in to what s going on.
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Authors of books that have changed my life.
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Now you re talking about sympathy, which is different than empathy.
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And basically have conversations that can help us get through this crazy thing we call life.
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I already believe in myself.
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I already see myself.
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And so when people give me an opportunity, I m just like,
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Oh great, you see me too!
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We ll laugh together, we ll cry together, and find a way through all of our emotions.
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Never forget, it s okay to cry, as long as you make it a really good one.
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Listen to A Really Good Cry with Radhi Devlukia on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
1
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When you find that bright spot to help you get through your day, it s powerful.
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That s where The Bright Side comes in.
1
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A new daily podcast from Hello Sunshine that s bringing you a daily dose of joy.
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I m Danielle Robay.
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And I m Simone Boyce.
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Listen, both Danielle and I are reporters.
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We ve covered the news and we know the world can feel heavy, but The Bright Side podcast is a space to have a little fun, to learn something new and get into some friendly debates.
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That s right, join us five days a week to see how life can look from the bright side.
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We ll hear from celebrities, authors, experts, and listeners like you.
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Whether it s relationships, friend advice, or figuring out how to navigate life s transitions, we ll talk through it all together.
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Listen to The Bright Side from Hello Sunshine every weekday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Now, in this same study, the top 10 reasons to leave, listen to this, this is what people, considering whether to end their relationship, these were the top 10 reasons they gave to leave.
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I m hoping that as you re hearing this, you re not on your own.
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I m hoping that as you re listening, you re thinking, gosh, that is why I m staying, and that s a good reason, or that is why I m staying, and I m not sure that that may be not the best reason to stay.
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Because the truth is, it s a subjective choice.
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It s not about whether I think it s good for you to leave or move on.
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It s important for you to weigh up what s valuable to you.
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Some of you may be able to live a life of complete sacrifice and feel that that s your value, and that s OK.
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And some of you will think, I don t want to sacrifice any more time on this.
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I need to move.
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So reasons to leave, top 10.
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The first one was partner s personality.
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If you didn t like your partner s personality, it was time to leave.
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It was time to move on because that s a personality that you ll be living with for a long time.
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Number two, pretty obvious one, breach of trust felt like a good enough reason to leave.
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I think with this one, what s important is recognizing whether you re willing to live with the consequences of the breach of trust
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or whether you can t, whether you re willing to forgive and move on and not keep making it an important factor, or whether you re saying to yourself, no, this was make or break for me.
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Third, a reason to leave was partner withdrawal.
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This one s a hard one again to gauge, but an important one to note.
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Sometimes we see our
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partner s disinterest and apathy as withdrawal.
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And the truth is, everyone is kind of going in that direction.
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The more time you spend with someone, it s likely that there is an apathy, there s a neutrality that develops over time.
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And really what it is, is comfort.
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We get comfortable with someone, and therefore we get apathetic, we get neutral, we become disinterested.
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Right?
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What should we have for dinner?
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Oh, whatever you want.
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Oh, should we fix the shed or the garage?
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Oh, yeah, whatever you want, right?
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There s a kind of like, oh, I don t care about that.
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And because someone doesn t care about something, that doesn t mean they don t care about us.
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But what we ve started to say is that I care about this.
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I care about redecorating the house.
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I care about fixing this part of the home, whatever it may be.
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And if you don t care about it, then you don t care about me.
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What we ve done is we ve outsourced how we see caring for us.
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And the problem with that is someone could very well say to you, no, I do care about you.
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I just don t care about that.
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And I think it s really important that we reintegrate ourselves into our definition of care.
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How does someone behave with us?
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How does someone care about us as opposed to the things that we care about as a priority of how they show care for us?
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Is there another way they can show care?
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Is there another way they do show care?
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Number four was an external reason.
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Number five was physical distance, ready reasons to leave.
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Number six was conflict.
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I think if you re fighting again and again and again, if it s always back and forth,
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That s a reason to leave.
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I think a lot of people also go through this period of we make up, then we break up.
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We make up, then we break up.
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We make up, then we break up.
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You re always thinking about breaking up.
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You re always thinking about how to break up, but you don t know how.
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That s a good reason to leave.
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I think a lot of us are scared to break up because of what it means.
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It means loneliness.
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It means weekends and evenings alone.
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It means having that uncomfortable, awkward conversation that we don t want to have.
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Right, all of these conflicts and the conflict we re feeling in our mind can be a good reason to leave.
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Number eight was emotional distance.
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Number nine was lack of validation.
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This one s a big one.
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I think a lot of people, the more and more people I meet, I ve realized most people don t get validated at work or at home.
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And all of us want validation, but we re scared to ask for it.
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It s a really interesting paradox, right?
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We all want to get validated.
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We re a bit nervous to ask for it because it makes us look weak.
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And no one ever gets validated.
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So what I want you to do with the validation point is I want you to take an opportunity to validate your partner.
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to validate that person for something genuine.
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I think sometimes we also validate on superficial flattery, and that never lands with that person.
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We validate on something really arbitrary and random, and it just doesn t land with that person.
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I want you to validate them for something really meaningful, something that was important to them.
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And I want you to see if you can start building that validation culture inside your relationship.
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I think it s really important to build a validation
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culture and system in your relationship, but you often have to lead it.
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And it has to be around something genuine and sincere.
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And number 10 reason to leave was lack of financial benefits.
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Now, I want to break down for you a couple of ways to know whether it s time to leave or whether there s still room to work on something.
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I remember learning during my time as a monk about the three cancers of the mind.
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And we were taught that they were complaining, comparing, and criticizing.
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And I found that these three are very true in a relationship.
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We feel like leaving a relationship when there s a lot of complaining, comparing and criticizing.
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Complaining is like, you never do this.
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You always do that.
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You re never around.
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You re always late.
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And often we complain to people who are not even our partners, right?
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You ve got friends over for dinner and they say, oh yeah, what time does Jeff usually get home?
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Oh, we don t talk about that in this house.
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We don t talk about that in this house.
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It s complaining.
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It s almost passive aggressive.
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And what that does is it chips away.
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Complaining chips away.
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Venting to each other is fine.
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And the question I want to ask you is, can you grow from complaining to communicating?
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So instead of using passive aggressive statements to tell your partner how you feel, could you take a moment and say,
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I feel that when you come home late, it makes me feel this way.
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But I wanted to understand why you choose to come home late.
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Or what s your reasoning for coming home late?
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What s your reasoning for working hard?
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Recognizing that maybe that s their identity.
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Maybe that s conditioning they have.
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Often when we feel we re healed, we think we can see other people s conditioning, but we can t see the way we feel is our conditioning.
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So I often ask couples, can you move from complaining to communicating?
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If we continue to complain, we just keep pushing each other further and further away, right?
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When you see the dishes aren t done, you don t say to them, hey, can you get the dishes done today?
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Because you ve said that too many times.
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It now becomes you wait a week and then you go, well, the dishes are always left there.
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It s complaining.
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How do we communicate?
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How do we set systems?
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Because sometimes we ve over-communicated, but we haven t created systems of how things run in the household.
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We haven t created commitments to overcome complaining.
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Another big one for when it s time to move on is comparing.
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I think a lot of people live through this, but it s really hard to stomach, oh, did you know so-and-so drops his kids to school every morning?
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Oh, did you know, oh, have you seen what she s been doing building her business?
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Oh my gosh, oh my God, have you seen what he s done?
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Oh, look at him, he was on the front cover of that magazine or whatever it is, right?
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Oh, did you see what she s been up to?
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Oh my gosh, like, yeah, she just got a promotion.
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Comparing, comparing is so painful and creates so much emotional distance because here s what you ve done with comparing.
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When you compare your partner to someone else, you ve not only made them emotionally distant from you, you ve made them feel emotionally distant from the person you compared them with.
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They now start to dislike that person.
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So you ve now created an emotional distance from them there.
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And of course, when you re comparing them, they re now feeling distant from you.
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And the question is, can you collaborate?
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Is there still room to collaborate can you say to your partner hey you know what i know that this is your goal can i help you with it hey you know this is something i m struggling with can you help me with it.
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Hey can we collaborate because when we re comparing what we re saying is someone else is collaborating better.
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Can we use language that motivates, inspires, and encourages our partners rather than degrades, makes them feel downtrodden, makes them feel disrespected?
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So much of our language with our partners is demanding, degrading, and disrespectful.
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How is someone going to change if you re being demanding, disrespectful, or degrading?
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I don t understand which human psychology that works in.
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So instead of comparing, comparing is the lowest form of disrespect.
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It makes someone else feel small, makes someone else you know feel big, which makes them feel you like that person.
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Whether you like them sexually or intimately, it makes them feel like you find someone else attractive.
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Comparing, if it s ongoing, repetitive, and especially if it gets very disrespectful, is a reason for people to leave.
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Now criticizing.
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Criticizing is
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something that has many different levels.
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There s banter, and then there s real criticism.
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And there s criticism that you believe.
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And I would encourage you all to ask, is there room to celebrate your partner?
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Is there something worth celebrating in them?
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Now, I m not saying any of this is to make you overcome or ignore toxic behavior by a partner.
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If you re experiencing a toxic behavior pattern, if you re experiencing a repetitive pattern, this isn t about you thinking you can solve it or making better.
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It s asking you the question, is there room for celebration or has the criticism gone too far?
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It s time to leave when you don t respect their values and they don t respect yours.
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What that means is, if you want them to change, if you re thinking, if they change, I can stay with them.
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If you re thinking, if they don t change, then I can t be with them, then it s time to leave.
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Because chances are, they are that person.
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Now, of course, they change.
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People grow and change all the time.
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But if you re asking for a big change, like they re not ambitious, you want them to be driven.
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They re super organized and career driven and you want them to be laid back.
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Often we want our partners to be the exact opposites of who they are.
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If you want your partner to be the exact opposite of who they are, ask yourself, could you be the exact opposite of who you are?
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Could you change 180?
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your behaviors, your patterns, your actions, your values, your goals, could you change them?
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If you re career driven, could you completely let go of them?
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If you re laid back, could you get really focused and driven?
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We wanna be with people that respect our values and we need to be people who respect their values.
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Now I wanna give you one last tool that I think will be really helpful.
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Often in our relationships, what we do is we like to keep score.
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I cleaned the dishes last three nights in a row.
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I took the trash out every time for the last month.
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I drop the kids to school every single day.
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We keep this score.
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And the interesting thing is, our score is based on our scorecard.
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So if your scorecard is money, i.e., I pay all the bills, then that s the scorecard you use.
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Now, if your partner s scorecard is family, which I consider to be more emotional, then they re measuring it on that scorecard.
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And if you ve really got to a point, I don t like keeping score, but sometimes this activity has been really helpful for people I ve tested it with.
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Expand your scorecard.
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The scorecard is now not only financial, it s physical, mental, financial, emotional, spiritual.
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Ask yourself in your relationship, who is leading the way in different parts of the relationship?
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Physically, who takes care of the home?
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Physically, who takes care of the groceries?
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Physically, who takes care of the kids and the family?
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Physically, who is doing that physical work?
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Give them one point.
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Now mental, who is mentally supporting the relationship?
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Who helps you push through tough times?
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Who stays in a positive attitude?
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Who s the person who stays resilient?
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Now financial, who s taking care of the bills?
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Now emotional, who s always emotionally available?
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Who s always there?
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Who always picks up the phone?
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Who always checks in?
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and spiritual, who s guiding you spiritually, who s helping you with your faith, who s helping you with the practices and habits that make you feel better.
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Now, if you re looking at all five of these scorecards, and you re doing four out of the five, fair enough.
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Chances are you ll find most relationships are more equally divided.
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And maybe there s a three over two, but what we don t recognize is
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It s hard to weigh these equally, but I can honestly say that my wife emotionally manages the relationship.
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She s always helping us be in the right mood.
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She s always creating fun energy.
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She s always creating this beautiful space for us to live in.
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Physically, she creates an amazing space.
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It s so easy to forget these things because we re looking down a very limited lens.
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I really hope that this episode helps you first, not feel alone.
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Second, reflect on what you can do to not have to end this relationship.
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And thirdly, if you do decide to end it, gives you good reasoning, makes you feel certain and confident in your decision.
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Thank you so much for listening to On Purpose.
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Make sure you go listen to another episode with a guest or a solo right now.
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Make sure you ve subscribed, make sure you ve downloaded all the latest episodes and remember this.
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I m forever in your corner and I m always rooting for you.
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Thank you for listening.
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If you loved this episode, you re going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your ex and find true love in your relationships.
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People should be compassionate to themselves, but extend that compassion to your future self.
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Because truly extending your compassion to your future self is doing something that gives him or her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life.
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Hey, everybody, welcome to Across Generations, where the voices of Black women unite.
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I m your host, Tiffany Cross.
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Join me and be a part of sisterhood, friendship, wisdom, and laughter.
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We gather a seasoned elder, myself as the middle generation, and a vibrant young soul for engaging intergenerational conversations, prepare to engage or hear perspectives that literally no one else has had.
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Listen to Across Generations podcasts on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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For all the parents out there, picture that it s bedtime.
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You and the kids have been busy all day.
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You know they re tired, but for some reason they just won t go to sleep.
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And for this reason, I created the podcast Bedtime History.
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Bedtime History is a series of relaxing history stories that end with an inspirational message.
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With over 2,000 positive parent reviews, Bedtime History is one of the top education podcasts.
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Join me and listen to Bedtime History every Monday and Thursday on iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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You don t put those inside of you, do you?
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This is a show about women.
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I mean, you do?
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Finally, a show about women that isn t just a thinly veiled aspirational nightmare.
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It s not hosted, not narrated.
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We re just dropping into a woman s world.
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I found out when my dad was gay when I was 10.
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We were in a convertible on the 405 freeway, listening to the B-52s.
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Looking back, I should have said, this is gay.
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This is already all gay.
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Listen to finally a show on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.