0
SPEAKER_12
 Bring a little optimism into your life with The Bright Side, a new kind of daily podcast from Hello Sunshine, hosted by me, Danielle Robay.
0
SPEAKER_12
And me, Simone Boyce.
0
SPEAKER_13
Every weekday, we're bringing you conversations about culture, the latest trends, inspiration, and so much more.
0
SPEAKER_00
I am so excited about this podcast, The Bright Side.
0
SPEAKER_00
You guys are giving people a chance to shine a light on their lives, shine a light on a little advice that they want to share.
0
SPEAKER_09
 Listen to The Bright Side on America's number one podcast network, iHeart.
0
SPEAKER_09
Open your free iHeart app and search The Bright Side.
0
SPEAKER_02
This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol.
0
SPEAKER_02
The joy they brought to the nation.
0
SPEAKER_01
You're free completely.
0
SPEAKER_01
No one is there to destroy you.
0
SPEAKER_02
The danger they endured.
0
SPEAKER_07
They said my head should be cut off.
0
SPEAKER_02
 I'm John Legend.
0
SPEAKER_02
Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_10
 A new season of Bridgerton is here.
0
SPEAKER_10
And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
0
SPEAKER_10
I'm your host, Gabby Collins.
0
SPEAKER_10
And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the ton.
0
SPEAKER_10
Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
0
SPEAKER_10
Then fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_10
Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.
0
SPEAKER_08
 The problem with no-fly zones is that they hold us back from that deeper level of commitment that so many of us want to experience, but often are afraid of.
0
SPEAKER_08
So many people tell me, Jay, I want to have that kind of relationship where I know the other person has my back, where I feel understood, where I feel like we can talk about anything.
0
SPEAKER_08
But then we create and live with these no-fly zones.
0
SPEAKER_08
 Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose.
0
SPEAKER_08
I am so happy that you're listening today.
0
SPEAKER_08
I'm sitting here recording this from my studio at home, and whether you're cooking, whether you're cleaning, whether you're jogging, whether you're running, whether you're at the gym, whether you're at your laptop, whether you're editing, whatever you're up to, I am so glad that you decided to lend me your ears for this time.
0
SPEAKER_08
I feel so grateful to have such an incredible community that we have right here,
0
SPEAKER_08
 And it's amazing because we've got over 13,000 five star reviews.
0
SPEAKER_08
And if you haven't left a review, please, please, please go and do it.
0
SPEAKER_08
It makes a huge difference to the show.
0
SPEAKER_08
And so if you can go and leave a review of your favorite episode, and I'm going to read a couple out because I think it's a beautiful thing that I get to do here.
0
SPEAKER_08
So let's have a look.
0
SPEAKER_08
 So this one says gratitude from Sin Paviolo.
0
SPEAKER_08
I listen to Jay's podcast on my way to work in the van pool as I sit in the back when I'm meditating to help me really listen without letting my mind wander.
0
SPEAKER_08
I hear so many profound aha moments when I hear him and all the amazing guests speak such impactful words that I will add it to my notes in my phone.
0
SPEAKER_08
The message goes on to say, I pre-ordered the book and I'm so excited to get it.
0
SPEAKER_08
Thank you for being you Jay and following your heart
0
SPEAKER_08
 purpose with no fear.
0
SPEAKER_08
That means the most to me.
0
SPEAKER_08
Thank you so much.
0
SPEAKER_08
Okay, and this other one is from Swiss Cheese.
0
SPEAKER_08
Immediately I was impressed.
0
SPEAKER_08
It doesn't take long to understand that Jay is very experienced within his field, and that's why I went ahead and pre-ordered his new book.
0
SPEAKER_08
This is exactly the enlightenment I've been seeking to help guide me towards being a better person, a better father, and a better companion.
0
SPEAKER_08
Jay's teachings are so relevant to anyone and everyone.
0
SPEAKER_08
There's something for everyone to gain.
0
SPEAKER_08
I look forward to the journey ahead.
0
SPEAKER_08
 Thank you to all of you who've left reviews so far.
0
SPEAKER_08
Thank you to those who pre-ordered the book.
0
SPEAKER_08
I can't believe we're literally less than two weeks away, maybe, yeah, just over a week away from the book being out.
0
SPEAKER_08
I really hope you're going to go and grab a copy.
0
SPEAKER_08
And today's theme is all about how no-fly zones are hurting your relationship and six steps to cleaning the air.
0
SPEAKER_08
Now, just about every relationship has them.
0
SPEAKER_08
 They're those topics or those people we just can't talk about with our partner or spouse or our boyfriend or girlfriend because every time these topics come up, it turns into a fight.
0
SPEAKER_08
You already know which ones they are for you.
0
SPEAKER_08
According to marriage and family therapist, Dr. John Gottman, 69% of marriage conflicts are about ongoing problems and never get resolved.
0
SPEAKER_08
 Think about that.
0
SPEAKER_08
69% of the issues we fight about are never resolved.
0
SPEAKER_08
They just keep coming up over and over and over again.
0
SPEAKER_08
And I bet a lot of you who are married or in long-term relationships or who are thinking back to past relationships are like, Jay, I definitely believe that.
0
SPEAKER_08
 So what do we do about all these unresolved problems?
0
SPEAKER_08
Unfortunately, much of the time, we just give up.
0
SPEAKER_08
We simply stop talking about them.
0
SPEAKER_08
We avoid them, hoping that they're never going to come up again until that awkward family dinner where someone brings that name up or someone brings that topic up.
0
SPEAKER_08
John Gottman calls these issues gridlocked perpetual problems.
0
SPEAKER_08
I call them no-fly zones.
0
SPEAKER_08
 Maybe you have one or more no-fly zones in your relationships and you think it's fine.
0
SPEAKER_08
As long as we stay away from these topics or we don't talk about these people, we're okay.
0
SPEAKER_08
Maybe we think it's even healthy.
0
SPEAKER_08
Having no-fly zones is keeping us from fighting, and that's good, right?
0
SPEAKER_08
But the problem with no-fly zones is that they hold us back from that deeper level of commitment that so many of us want to experience, but often are afraid of.
0
SPEAKER_08
 So many people tell me, Jay, I want to have that kind of relationship where I know the other person has my back, where I feel understood, where I feel like we can talk about anything.
0
SPEAKER_08
How many of you are one of those people?
0
SPEAKER_08
But then we create and live with these no-fly zones.
0
SPEAKER_08
And those two things, wanting that deep, honest, committed relationship and having no-fly zones are mutually exclusive.
0
SPEAKER_08
They do not work together.
0
SPEAKER_08
Because this is what happens.
0
SPEAKER_08
 Though we think these things are fine because we're not fighting about them, things are not fine.
0
SPEAKER_08
If you ever watched the show Friends, there was an episode where Monica, who's sort of the obsessively clean and tidy person, where her friends find out that she's got this locked closet that she won't let anyone into.
0
SPEAKER_08
 Her friends, of course, spend the whole time trying to find out what's in the closet and even to break in.
0
SPEAKER_08
And when the closet's finally opened, all of this junk comes spilling out.
0
SPEAKER_08
Monica tried to create this illusion of perfection, but all along she was hiding this dark secret.
0
SPEAKER_08
And in the show, it was funny, but so many of us do that in real life.
0
SPEAKER_08
 And if you've ever done that, if you've tried to keep something hidden, if there was something you just wouldn't talk about, whether about yourself or in your relationship, it doesn't really stay hidden, right?
0
SPEAKER_08
Maybe no one physically sees it, but it can become a source of emotional stress and shame.
0
SPEAKER_08
 Most of us have known that couple where everything seemed great and then all of a sudden they announce they're splitting up.
0
SPEAKER_08
Maybe that's been you.
0
SPEAKER_08
I know I've been in that situation in the past.
0
SPEAKER_08
We can get really good at hiding and burying what's going wrong.
0
SPEAKER_08
And one way we do this is through these no-fly zones.
0
SPEAKER_08
 Now, not everything a couple bickers or argue about is a no-fly zone, right?
0
SPEAKER_08
I've mentioned before that one of the things that I do that bugs Radhi is that sometimes when I'm deeply interested in a topic and I'm studying and reading about it, I'll have all of these books and articles out, and instead of putting them away, I'll forget and leave them out.
0
SPEAKER_08
And I try to remember to clean them up, but sometimes I'm in a rush or I know I'm going to come back to them and we'll have a little, you know, argument about it.
0
SPEAKER_08
 But that's not a no-fly zone, that's just a recurring challenge or issue which I really need to sort out.
0
SPEAKER_08
Every couple has those.
0
SPEAKER_08
And it's just a function of being two people who are different, spending a lot of time together, coming from different backgrounds and different walks of life with different expectations.
0
SPEAKER_08
 Now, if you have siblings, I'm sure you had some of those with your siblings growing up too.
0
SPEAKER_08
A no-fly zone is when something is so upsetting or polarizing or causes such friction between you that you purposefully avoid it.
0
SPEAKER_08
Now, some no-fly zones can get downright ridiculous.
0
SPEAKER_08
 My friend's parents actually got into a fight over, get this, this is a true story, over the apocalypse.
0
SPEAKER_08
A few years ago, her family was sitting around and someone asked the question, if there was a nuclear attack or some kind of horrible plague and you had the choice of living through it but living with a deformity or several deformities or of being killed immediately, which would you choose?
0
SPEAKER_08
My friend's father chose one way.
0
SPEAKER_08
He said he'd stick around and deal with the deformities.
0
SPEAKER_08
And the mother said she'd rather die right away.
0
SPEAKER_08
 And they were each really upset about how the other answered, and they fought about it for hours.
0
SPEAKER_08
I'm totally serious.
0
SPEAKER_08
It got so bad, it became this thing they can't talk about.
0
SPEAKER_08
 Like my friend said, she can't bring it up or they'll fight about it again.
0
SPEAKER_08
Okay, that's a pretty ridiculous example.
0
SPEAKER_08
But for that couple, there's something at the core of the argument that gets to something about their relationship.
0
SPEAKER_08
It's not about the apocalypse, but about some belief they each have.
0
SPEAKER_08
And that's why it's so polarizing.
0
SPEAKER_08
Maybe it's the fact that they chose different situations and challenging circumstances.
0
SPEAKER_08
 But more common, no-fly zones, are things like every time the topic of your partner's or your spouse's mother comes up, you shut down, or they shut down, or you get angry.
0
SPEAKER_08
Or here's another big one, money.
0
SPEAKER_08
If every time the topic of money or finances come up, you fight, and so you avoid the topic altogether.
0
SPEAKER_08
And again, I know some of you out there are nodding, going, yeah, I get that, that's my situation.
0
SPEAKER_08
So why do we do this?
0
SPEAKER_08
 Why can't we just resolve these issues and get on with it?
0
SPEAKER_08
Well, according to psychologist Leon Seltzer, writing in Psychology Today, there are three primary reasons couples have recurring fights.
0
SPEAKER_08
The first is that we learned it from our parents.
0
SPEAKER_08
Growing up, most of us saw our parents fight.
0
SPEAKER_08
Maybe it was rare, or maybe it happened a lot.
0
SPEAKER_08
 But if when our parents fought, if instead of working through their issues, they would dig in their heels and things would go unresolved, we may have internalized the idea that there are just some issues that can't be fixed.
0
SPEAKER_08
We also might have gotten the idea that's just what couples do.
0
SPEAKER_08
And again, I know some of you are nodding.
0
SPEAKER_08
 I know for me, it was the opposite.
0
SPEAKER_08
Seeing my parents argue showed me the type of argument that I didn't want to have with my wife.
0
SPEAKER_08
And I would consistently say to Radhi that I don't want to be in that situation.
0
SPEAKER_08
I don't want us to have that kind of relationship.
0
SPEAKER_08
And we can find a way out.
0
SPEAKER_08
And that's what we've always prioritized and tried to make work for us.
0
SPEAKER_08
And we're a work in progress too.
0
SPEAKER_08
 If growing up our parents didn't model for us how to resolve conflicts effectively, where would we have learned to do that?
0
SPEAKER_08
If we didn't pick it up or educate ourselves or learn about it in another relationship, how would we know how to resolve long-standing or repeat conflicts?
0
SPEAKER_08
So, the solution for that is to first notice the pattern.
0
SPEAKER_08
Think back to how your parents fought and whether they effectively resolved conflict.
0
SPEAKER_08
 or whether they had no-fly zones.
0
SPEAKER_08
And we'll get into how to get rid of no-fly zones in a few minutes.
0
SPEAKER_08
But just noticing the pattern can be really powerful, and that awareness is important, and we'll come back to that in a minute.
0
SPEAKER_08
But first, according to Dr. Seltzer, the second reason we have recurring fights is that we feel emotionally threatened.
0
SPEAKER_08
We get angry with our partner when our ego is under attack, and anger and defensiveness are how we protect ourselves.
0
SPEAKER_08
 Here's a really common example.
0
SPEAKER_08
Exes, right?
0
SPEAKER_08
How many people do you know who fight over exes?
0
SPEAKER_08
It's so common.
0
SPEAKER_08
Some people can't even mention the name of an ex before their partner is up in arms with anger.
0
SPEAKER_08
Maybe that's a no-fly zone in your relationship.
0
SPEAKER_08
 Barring any actual trespass, meaning assuming your partner didn't have any kind of infidelity with this person in the past, or the ex isn't actively pursuing an inappropriate relationship with your partner, the reason we often get so upset about exes is our own jealousy and insecurity.
0
SPEAKER_08
It comes down to our ego.
0
SPEAKER_08
For some of us, it's painful to even acknowledge that our partner even had a romantic life before us.
0
SPEAKER_08
And so we protect ourselves from our own insecurity with anger.
0
SPEAKER_08
We go on the attack.
0
SPEAKER_08
 As Seltzer writes, anger immunizes us from vulnerability.
0
SPEAKER_08
And that's what we're really avoiding, right?
0
SPEAKER_08
We don't want to hear that other person's name, that ex's name, because it makes us feel insecure and vulnerable.
0
SPEAKER_08
And it makes us feel even more vulnerable to think about telling our partner how we truly feel.
0
SPEAKER_08
So we cover it with anger.
0
SPEAKER_08
 And sometimes we also go on the attack.
0
SPEAKER_08
We might say something nasty or insulting about the ex, like that they were not attractive or not smart or accuse our partner or spouse of not loving us.
0
SPEAKER_08
 It's not just about exes that we can get angry.
0
SPEAKER_08
There are loads of issues that can make us feel vulnerable.
0
SPEAKER_08
Maybe our spouse or partner questions how much money we make or spend.
0
SPEAKER_08
That's a huge one, right?
0
SPEAKER_08
And we can hear that as criticism and get angry and defensive.
0
SPEAKER_08
Maybe their point or their question is valid, or maybe they are really being hypercritical.
0
SPEAKER_08
 Here are some interesting statistics about money in relationships from CompareCamp.
0
SPEAKER_08
Couples who argue about finances at least once a week are 30% more likely to get divorced.
0
SPEAKER_08
Additionally, in America, of those who've gotten a divorce within the last 5 years, 59% of them said finances played a role.
0
SPEAKER_08
 Incidentally, the highest divorce rates internationally, regardless of reason, are in Russia.
0
SPEAKER_08
Of the top 10, the US comes in at number nine, followed by China.
0
SPEAKER_08
No European countries make the top 10, but Portugal has the highest divorce rate in Europe.
0
SPEAKER_08
But regardless of what we fight about, as Seltzer says, when we're communicating from a space of anger, we're not listening.
0
SPEAKER_08
 So one of the ways to resolve that is to stay calm when we talk about hot button issues.
0
SPEAKER_08
Easier said than done, right?
0
SPEAKER_08
But we need to get grounded so that even if we disagree with what our partner is telling us, we can respond from that space of calm instead of defensiveness.
0
SPEAKER_13
 When you find that bright spot to help you get through your day, it's powerful.
0
SPEAKER_12
That's where The Bright Side comes in.
0
SPEAKER_12
A new daily podcast from Hello Sunshine that's bringing you a daily dose of joy.
0
SPEAKER_12
I'm Danielle Robay.
0
SPEAKER_13
And I'm Simone Boyce.
0
SPEAKER_13
Listen, both Danielle and I are reporters.
0
SPEAKER_13
We've covered the news and we know the world can feel heavy, but The Bright Side podcast is a space to have a little fun, to learn something new and get into some friendly debates.
0
SPEAKER_12
 That's right, join us five days a week to see how life can look from the bright side.
0
SPEAKER_12
We'll hear from celebrities, authors, experts, and listeners like you.
0
SPEAKER_13
Whether it's relationships, friend advice, or figuring out how to navigate life's transitions, we'll talk through it all together.
0
SPEAKER_12
Listen to The Bright Side from Hello Sunshine every weekday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_14
 Parents, ready to discover a new educational and interactive podcast for kids?
0
SPEAKER_14
Join Stories for Kids by Lingokids, where episodes are packed with fun activities.
0
SPEAKER_14
Right, Elliot?
0
SPEAKER_03
Oh, yes!
0
SPEAKER_03
We learned how to recycle at the beach.
0
SPEAKER_03
 That was great fun!
0
SPEAKER_03
Cowie, what do you say?
0
SPEAKER_03
It was!
0
SPEAKER_03
And that time when we did the science experiments and Billy made raisins dance!
0
SPEAKER_03
That is so cool, Billy!
0
SPEAKER_14
He did!
0
SPEAKER_14
Not to mention when a certain Elliot took up swimming classes with Lisa.
0
SPEAKER_14
 That was me!
0
SPEAKER_14
Bet you can't catch me.
0
SPEAKER_14
I'm going to get you!
0
SPEAKER_14
All this fun and more in our Stories for Kids.
0
SPEAKER_14
Lingo Kids' Stories for Kids is now available on Story Button, the kid-friendly device for screenless podcast listening.
0
SPEAKER_14
Listen to Stories for Kids on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_06
 Guess what, Mango?
0
SPEAKER_06
What's that, Will?
0
SPEAKER_06
So iHeart is giving us a whole minute to promote our podcast, Part-Time Genius.
0
SPEAKER_05
I know, that's why I spent my whole week composing a haiku for the occasion.
0
SPEAKER_05
It's about my emotional journey in podcasting over the last seven years, and it's called Earthquake House.
0
SPEAKER_06
Mango, I'm going to cut you off right there.
0
SPEAKER_05
Why don't we just tell people about our show instead?
0
SPEAKER_05
Yeah, that's a better idea.
0
SPEAKER_05
So every week on Part-Time Genius, we feed our curiosity by answering the world's most important questions.
0
SPEAKER_05
Things like, when did America start dialing 911?
0
SPEAKER_05
 is William Shatner's best acting work in Esperanto.
0
SPEAKER_05
Also, what happened to Esperanto?
0
SPEAKER_06
Plus, we cover questions like how Chinese is your Chinese food?
0
SPEAKER_06
How do dollar stores stay in business?
0
SPEAKER_06
And of course, is there an Illuminati of cheese?
0
SPEAKER_05
There absolutely is.
0
SPEAKER_05
And we are risking our lives by talking about it.
0
SPEAKER_05
But if you love mind blowing facts, incredible history and really bad jokes, make your brains happy and tune in to Part Time Genius.
0
SPEAKER_06
Listen to Part Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_08
 One of my favorite ways I like to get grounded and that I advise others to do is to tune into your body.
0
SPEAKER_08
Feel your feet on the floor or the ground.
0
SPEAKER_08
 or feel yourself and your body resting into the chair or the sofa.
0
SPEAKER_08
Take several rounds of deep breaths, breathing in to a count of four, holding for a count of four, then breathing out for a count of four.
0
SPEAKER_08
That helps to calm your nervous system so it's easier for your brain to engage in a rational conversation.
0
SPEAKER_08
 This is a habit you can build when you're not fighting and you'll remember when you are fighting.
0
SPEAKER_08
One of my friends says that when her partner comes to her with something that's difficult for her to hear, she puts a hand on her heart as she listens and imagines breathing into and out of her heart.
0
SPEAKER_08
 As she says, that also helps her to remember, to listen, and to respond from her heart.
0
SPEAKER_08
And I love that.
0
SPEAKER_08
So many of us are responding from our head, our ego, our mind.
0
SPEAKER_08
But when we come down into our hearts, we can really be our true selves.
0
SPEAKER_08
 And the third reason Dr. Seltzer says couples have recurring fights is because some of us have such core ideological differences that they truly are not resolvable.
0
SPEAKER_08
Two of the big ones, and you may have even already thought of them, are politics and religion.
0
SPEAKER_08
 Still, these don't have to be deal-breakers for our relationships if we set some healthy boundaries.
0
SPEAKER_08
It's hard to think of a couple that would be more ill-suited politically than the James Carville and Mary Matalin.
0
SPEAKER_08
Carville is a Democrat who was the campaign manager for former U.S.
0
SPEAKER_08
President Bill Clinton, and Matalin is a former Republican turned libertarian who is the deputy campaign manager for Clinton's presidential opponent, George H.W.
0
SPEAKER_08
Bush.
0
SPEAKER_08
 Yet in spite of their vast political differences, the couple has been married for over 25 years.
0
SPEAKER_08
How do they do it?
0
SPEAKER_08
In a joint talk the couple did at a Louisiana school, Matalin told students that people have to learn to prioritize what's important to them in the relationship and put healthy boundaries around hot button issues.
0
SPEAKER_08
Carville told the students that it's a good thing to spend time with people they disagree with, ideally who are also smarter than they are.
0
SPEAKER_08
 Matalin agreed, describing her husband as a genius, which shows one thing the couple prioritized about politics, their attraction to and respect for one another's intellect.
0
SPEAKER_08
Though Matalin then tacked on, he's frequently wrong, but that doesn't make him not a genius.
0
SPEAKER_08
And that kind of banter is actually a great illustration of one of the keys to keep the air between you and your partner clear when it comes to challenging topics.
0
SPEAKER_08
 When possible, use humor, but don't hide behind it.
0
SPEAKER_08
It's got to be good-natured humor, not passive-aggressive jabs.
0
SPEAKER_08
Though Cabo and Matalin trade barbs about politics, when it comes down to it, they keep a boundary.
0
SPEAKER_08
They don't try to change one another.
0
SPEAKER_08
 And that actually gets to Dr. Seltzer's advice for what to do when you have ideological issues that aren't going to be resolved.
0
SPEAKER_08
Agree to disagree.
0
SPEAKER_08
If it's something that's not going to negatively affect your relationship, that might be totally fine.
0
SPEAKER_08
Instead of it being a no-fly zone, it can simply be a neutral zone, a space where you can agree to respect the other's opinions and not try to change them.
0
SPEAKER_08
That's a lot different from just being angry and not talking about them.
0
SPEAKER_08
 According to John Gottman, the marriage and family therapist I mentioned earlier, when we have what he calls a gridlocked perpetual problem, there are always underlying beliefs and agendas.
0
SPEAKER_08
We just touched on some of them, right?
0
SPEAKER_08
Maybe we're trying to protect our egos, we're afraid to be vulnerable and to change, or maybe we just never learned how to resolve issues.
0
SPEAKER_08
 And that's what you need to get to the bottom of to clear the air of no-fly zones and create the closeness and honesty between you and your partner.
0
SPEAKER_08
You've got to figure out what the deep underlying issues are and focus on those rather than the surface problem.
0
SPEAKER_08
Because the no-fly zone issues are often like icebergs.
0
SPEAKER_08
You see this issue that's visible above the waterline?
0
SPEAKER_08
Maybe it's your spouse's ex-wife or maybe it's something about your money.
0
SPEAKER_08
But the real issue, what's truly driving it, is hidden.
0
SPEAKER_08
 So, let's get down to how to clear the air of these no-fly zones.
0
SPEAKER_08
Here are six steps to getting rid of the no-fly zones in your relationship.
0
SPEAKER_08
First, find out if your partner, your spouse, your boyfriend or girlfriend is willing to talk about the issue.
0
SPEAKER_08
 Do they agree it's a no-fly zone and are they willing to discuss it?
0
SPEAKER_08
They might not think it's a problem or just not be willing to talk about it.
0
SPEAKER_08
Try to bring up the topic at a time when you're both calm.
0
SPEAKER_08
By the way, not while the kids are running around trashing the house or while your partner is trying to respond to a work email.
0
SPEAKER_08
And again, try and bring it up from a space of centeredness and calm.
0
SPEAKER_08
 Your partner might get defensive.
0
SPEAKER_08
They might deny there's an issue.
0
SPEAKER_08
And if they do, maybe they need some time to think about it.
0
SPEAKER_08
They might come back when they're ready and be willing to talk about it.
0
SPEAKER_08
But you can't clear a no-fly zone by yourself.
0
SPEAKER_08
You both have to be on board.
0
SPEAKER_08
And if your partner refuses to talk about the issue or acknowledge there's a problem, you need to decide if you can live with that.
0
SPEAKER_08
 But I'll tell you this, whatever you do, don't create a no-fly zone with yourself.
0
SPEAKER_08
Don't downplay something that's actually important to you because you're afraid you'll lose the relationship.
0
SPEAKER_08
If it's important, it's important.
0
SPEAKER_08
And if your partner's not willing to engage about it, that really might mean it's time to rethink the relationship.
0
SPEAKER_08
But if they do agree, and hopefully they do, and are willing to talk about the issue, that's
0
SPEAKER_10
 A new season of Bridgerton is here.
0
SPEAKER_10
And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
0
SPEAKER_10
I'm your host, Gabrielle Collins.
0
SPEAKER_10
And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the ton.
0
SPEAKER_10
Colin Bridgerton has returned from his travels abroad.
0
SPEAKER_10
Is Betrothal written in the stars for the eligible bachelor?
0
SPEAKER_10
Meanwhile, the ton is reverberating with speculation of who holds Lady Whistledown's pen.
0
SPEAKER_10
We're discussing it all.
0
SPEAKER_10
 I sit down with Nicola Coughlin, Luke Newton, Shonda Rhimes, and more to offer an exclusive peek behind the scenes of each episode of the new season.
0
SPEAKER_10
Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
0
SPEAKER_10
Then, fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_10
Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.
0
SPEAKER_02
 When the Taliban banned music in Afghanistan, millions were plunged into silence.
0
SPEAKER_02
Radios were smashed.
0
SPEAKER_02
Cassettes burned.
0
SPEAKER_02
You could be beaten or jailed or killed for breaking the rules.
0
SPEAKER_02
And yet, Afghans did it anyway.
0
SPEAKER_02
This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol.
0
SPEAKER_02
 The danger they endured.
0
SPEAKER_07
They said my head should be cut off.
0
SPEAKER_02
The joy they brought to the nation.
0
SPEAKER_01
You're free completely.
0
SPEAKER_01
No one is there to destroy you.
0
SPEAKER_02
I'm John Legend.
0
SPEAKER_02
Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_11
 Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt and we're the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_04
It's a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
0
SPEAKER_11
 like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
0
SPEAKER_04
We're back with season two of the podcast, which means more opportunities to glow up and become a more responsible and better adult, one life lesson at a time.
0
SPEAKER_11
And let me just tell you, this show is just as much for us as it is for you.
0
SPEAKER_11
So let's figure this stuff out together.
0
SPEAKER_11
This season, we're going to talk about whether or not we're financially and emotionally ready for dog ownership.
0
SPEAKER_04
 We're going to figure out the benefits of a high yield savings account.
0
SPEAKER_11
And what exactly are the duties of being a member of the wedding party?
0
SPEAKER_04
All that plus so much more.
0
SPEAKER_11
Let's learn about all of it and then some.
0
SPEAKER_11
Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_08
 Step two, create a safe space for communication.
0
SPEAKER_08
We use that expression, let's get it all out on the table.
0
SPEAKER_08
Imagine people just dumping things out onto a dinner table, right?
0
SPEAKER_08
All of their baggage.
0
SPEAKER_08
How well does that go?
0
SPEAKER_08
When we're in the heat of an argument and we blurt something out, we say it in a way we don't mean it, like it sounds angry or as an accusation.
0
SPEAKER_08
 Now that you've agreed to address the issue, instead of just dumping it all out on the table, take the time to set the table.
0
SPEAKER_08
Find a quiet space and time where you can talk.
0
SPEAKER_08
Maybe on a weekend when work pressure is less, maybe after the kids are in bed, maybe even set the table literally with a nice breakfast or dinner.
0
SPEAKER_08
That's step two, set the table for a conversation.
0
SPEAKER_08
Sometimes a good conversation also occurs on a walk.
0
SPEAKER_08
 When you're walking in the same direction, walking towards something together, it feels like you're moving together rather than sitting across the table from each other.
0
SPEAKER_08
Think about that.
0
SPEAKER_08
Step three is to frame the issue in a positive way.
0
SPEAKER_08
Instead of looking at it like you're taking sides against one another, frame the conversation as if it's you two together, right?
0
SPEAKER_08
You're a team.
0
SPEAKER_08
 You might have heard me saying something like this before, right?
0
SPEAKER_08
If we come to the table as adversaries, we increase the likelihood that we'll fight.
0
SPEAKER_08
So instead, come to the table as a team that's taking on the problem together.
0
SPEAKER_08
If you see it as a win-lose situation, it means if you win, they lose, and if they win, you lose.
0
SPEAKER_08
 But actually in a relationship, you either choose to win together or you choose to lose together.
0
SPEAKER_08
There is no win-lose, because actually if the other person loses, you'll feel like you both have lost.
0
SPEAKER_08
And if you feel like you've won, you should both be winning.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Pretend that the two of you are offering counseling to another couple with the same problem.
1
SPEAKER_00
What would you advise them?
1
SPEAKER_00
 Step four is to remember what's important.
1
SPEAKER_00
And you can even start the conversation this way or take a time out if things get heated.
1
SPEAKER_00
But remember what's most important in your relationship.
1
SPEAKER_00
Remember why you're together.
1
SPEAKER_00
Maybe even stop and list out three things you love about each other before you start.
1
SPEAKER_00
That can help diffuse the tension and again, remind each other that you're a team, that you're together for a reason, and that talking through tough issues is worth it.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Step five is to listen.
1
SPEAKER_00
One of the co-founders of Harvard University's program on negotiation says, the most successful negotiators listen far more than they talk.
1
SPEAKER_00
He also calls listening the golden key that opens the door to human relationship.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Forget about trying to prove your point.
1
SPEAKER_00
Instead, listen first, then go from there.
1
SPEAKER_00
When you listen, your partner is more likely to feel safe to be vulnerable with you, and together you can get down to those deep ideas and beliefs that are underneath the surface.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Yet, some of these topics can especially be complex or challenging.
1
SPEAKER_00
If you have trouble reaching resolution on your own, step six is to enlist the help of an objective third party to support you in working through the issue with your partner.
1
SPEAKER_00
Sometimes we wait too long for this step, and I would welcome it sooner if you need it.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Ideally, it's not a friend or family member.
1
SPEAKER_00
You want someone who is truly objective and qualified, such as a therapist, or a counselor, or a mediator, or even a trusted spiritual or religious counselor or advisor.
1
SPEAKER_00
It's healthy to get help.
1
SPEAKER_00
And again, it's worth it.
1
SPEAKER_00
 So those are the six steps to resolve the no-fly zones in your relationships.
1
SPEAKER_00
Remember, the more you're willing to listen to your partner and to be honest and vulnerable with them, the more you increase the chances for long-term success and happiness in your relationship.
1
SPEAKER_00
Tag me on Instagram with your best insights from this episode.
1
SPEAKER_00
I can't wait to hear them.
1
SPEAKER_00
And thank you so much for listening to On Purpose.
1
SPEAKER_00
Share it with your friends.
1
SPEAKER_00
Tell everyone about it.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I'm so, so grateful that you're with me on this journey.
1
SPEAKER_00
See you soon.
1
SPEAKER_01
 Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt, and we're the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
1
SPEAKER_03
It's a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
1
SPEAKER_01
Like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
1
SPEAKER_03
Let's learn about all of it and then some.
1
SPEAKER_03
Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on America's number one podcast network, iHeart.
1
SPEAKER_03
Open your free iHeart app and search Grown Up Stuff.
1
SPEAKER_02
 Discover a new educational and interactive podcast, Stories for Kids by Lingokids.
1
SPEAKER_02
Our episodes are packed with fun activities.
1
SPEAKER_02
Right, Elliot?
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, yes.
1
SPEAKER_02
We went shape hunting around the block, and we found spheres and cubes on the street.
1
SPEAKER_02
That was great fun.
1
SPEAKER_02
Join Stories for Kids, the Lingokids podcast, inspiring you to learn while having fun.
1
SPEAKER_02
Listen to Stories for Kids on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
1
SPEAKER_04
 Guess what, Will?
1
SPEAKER_04
What's that, Mango?
1
SPEAKER_04
I've been trying to write a promo for our podcast, Part-Time Genius, but even though we've done over 250 episodes, we don't really talk about murders or cults.
1
SPEAKER_04
I mean, we did just cover the Illuminati of cheese, so I feel like that makes us pretty edgy.
1
SPEAKER_04
We also solve mysteries like how Chinese is your Chinese food and how do dollar stores make money?
1
SPEAKER_04
And then, of course, can you game a dog show?
1
SPEAKER_04
So what you're saying is everyone should be listening.
1
SPEAKER_04
Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.