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 Recognizing that confidence is not something we are born with.
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It's a skill.
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In any profession or any aspect of life, confidence is.
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Welcome to the School of Greatness.
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My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur.
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And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness.
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Thanks for spending some time with me today.
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Now let the class begin.
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 Welcome to this special masterclass.
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We've brought some of the top experts in the world to help you unlock the power of your life through this specific theme today.
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It's going to be powerful.
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So let's go ahead and dive in.
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 You talked about rewriting your story from the past and I believe that we hold on to our stories and we probably continue to write them in a more powerful way that keeps us trapped or traumatized.
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Is that fair to say that something happens in our past, we hold on to the story daily or whenever we're triggered and it's like amplifies the story in our minds?
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 Well, it does, and the problem is that often, whatever that version of the story is, we carry with us, and we never revise it.
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And so, you create a story when you're younger, for example, about something that happened in your life, and then as an adult, you've never looked at that story through the adult lens.
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You're still looking at it through the childhood lens.
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And so, that's why I say that when people come in, that we're all unreliable narrators, that we all tell a story,
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 through this lens and the thing is these are usually faulty narratives.
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So there's a broader version of the story that people haven't looked at.
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And so I feel like in a lot of ways what I do as a therapist is I act as an editor and I have of course a writing background.
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And so I help people to revise their stories because the reason they can't move forward in the story, the reason they can't get to the next chapter
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 is because something is wrong with the story.
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They are stuck.
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And so it's almost like I'm helping them with writer's block.
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I mean for me life is an interpretation.
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There's an instance that happens and we can interpret it as good or bad or we can interpret it as this is a neutral event and I'm going to make the most of this.
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 Is that fair to say?
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Yeah, absolutely.
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And also how we attribute other people's parts of the story, right?
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So who are the villains and the heroes in the story?
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You know, I talk in the book about the difference between idiot compassion and wise compassion.
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And idiot compassion is what our friends do.
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They back up our story.
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No matter what, we say, this happened.
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This happened with my boss.
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This happened with my partner.
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This happened with my parent, right?
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This happened with my best friend.
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 And we say, yeah, that was terrible.
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Screw them.
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They're a jerk.
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You know, that's awful.
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You're right.
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They're wrong.
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Don't let anyone treat you that way.
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That's what we do.
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And if you've listened to your friend's stories, you start to realize over time that even though the situation and the names might be different,
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 The kind of story they're telling is similar.
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It's kind of like if a fight breaks out in every bar you're going to, maybe it's you.
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But we don't say that.
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That's idiot compassion.
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Idiot compassion is where we as friends say, yeah, you're the best person in the world.
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This person's horrible.
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Leave them or let them go.
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Forget about them.
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They're so bad at what they did.
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There's always two sides to every story.
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 Well, right, and so the value of therapy is that we offer wise compassion.
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We hold up a mirror to you and help you to see yourself in a way that maybe you haven't been willing or able to do, and that's where the other version of the story comes in.
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So how do we have wise compassion for our friends when they're like, she cheated on me, he left me, they had an affair, whatever?
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Yeah.
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How do we change our story and also show compassion that we're there for our friends?
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 not making, when they're in a vulnerable place, not making the other person right or wrong, but being there for them and also kind of giving them some tough love, I guess.
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 I wouldn't call it tough love, I would just call it love.
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It's love, it's much more loving to be truthful in a compassionate way.
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So I sometimes call them compassionate truth bombs because we need to hear them, but how do we do it?
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It has to do with timing and dosage.
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So the timing is when they're really raw, when something just happened.
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Now's not the time to say, this has happened with your last three boyfriends, right?
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 Maybe you're the problem here.
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Have you noticed that going through people's phones is not working well for you?
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We are not going to say that maybe in that moment.
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So that's the timing.
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And then the dosage is how much are you going to say in a particular moment and in a particular conversation?
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It doesn't all have to happen in one conversation.
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 So I think that that has to do with being a good listener and a lot of us don't know how to listen and I think it's really helpful I see a lot of couples in my practice, too And if you can say to the person when they come to you with something, how can I be helpful in this conversation right now?
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I know you're really hurting.
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Do you want to just vent?
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 Do you want a hug?
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Do you want me to help problem solve with you?
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Do you want my honest opinion or do you want me to hold off and we can have that conversation another time?
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Let them tell you what they want so you can give them something that is helpful to them in that moment and then in another conversation, you might be able to offer them something more.
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When they're not completely raw or broken.
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Yes.
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And hurt.
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Yes.
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So what is that specific question?
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When anyone's coming to you with a challenge or a complaint or hurt, what's the question you should ask them?
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 How can I be helpful to you right now?
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I know you're really hurting.
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 What does that do for the person who's hurting when they hear that it helps them to reflect on oh wait, what do I need?
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Right.
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Am I just gonna download all of this stuff and then I'm not gonna feel any different at the end Or or is there something else that I want right now and maybe downloading it will make them feel different Just make them feel seen and understood and heard which is important or maybe they want something else But let them tell you and I think the other thing is these three words that are really helpful when they're talking to you
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 tell me more so instead of saying you know when they when they say like oh here's what's going on and we say oh well we try to cheer them up like you know here's what you can do we try to fix it we try to cheer them up we try to make them make it seem like it's not so bad whatever we do instead just say tell me more we do this with our kids I can say as a parent we do this all the time right so your kid comes to you and says
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 you know, I'm really sad about this, or I'm really worried about this, and we say, oh, don't worry, no, it's not a problem, and we say, oh, don't be sad, right, go have ice cream.
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Right, exactly.
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But the thing is that then you get the message as a kid that like, oh wait, I'm not supposed to feel this, and really what it is is we get uncomfortable as parents with our kids' feelings.
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And so.
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Why is that?
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Because we can't, we are uncomfortable with feelings.
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We grew up in a way.
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 where feelings were messy, feelings were uncomfortable, feelings were something that, you know, they were going to be trouble.
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Yeah.
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As opposed to feelings.
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Stop crying.
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Stop crying.
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Yes.
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As opposed to just, you know, feelings are actually a great thing.
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People say, oh, there are these negative feelings like sadness, anxiety, anger, whatever, even envy.
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I always say feelings are like a compass.
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They tell us
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 what direction to go in.
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So with envy, for example, I say, follow your envy.
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It tells you what you want.
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If you are feeling envy, that's great because it says, what do I desire?
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It puts you in touch with your desire.
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What is it that I desire and what steps can I take to get something like that in my own life?
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If you're feeling sad, if you're feeling anxious, what is not working right now that you can look at?
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If you stuff down that feeling, if you pretend it's not there, it just gets bigger.
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And here's what happens.
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It doesn't go away.
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It comes out in,
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 too much food, alcohol, drugs, insomnia, a short-temperedness, inability to function, distractibility, that mindless scrolling we all do through the internet.
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A colleague of mine said that the internet was like the most effective short-term non-prescription painkiller out there.
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And so what happens is your feelings are still there, but you're not dealing with them.
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What happens when we never deal with our emotions or feelings?
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 Well, you first of all, get sick.
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 Physically sick, emotionally sick, mentally.
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Everything, everything, right?
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So we have, just like we have a physical immune system, we have a psychological immune system.
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And we have to take care of our psychological immune system.
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So it's just like, what do you do to keep healthy with your body?
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Like you're gonna eat right, you're gonna exercise, you're gonna do all the things that you wanna do to take care of yourself.
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You're gonna get enough sleep.
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Those things also help your psychological immune system.
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They're not totally separate.
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The mind-body connection is profound.
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 But at the same time, are you going to be around people who don't nourish you?
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That's going to hurt your psychological immune system.
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That's going to make you sick.
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Are you going to stuff down your feelings?
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That's going to make you sick.
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And so how do we take care of ourselves?
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And part of it is, instead of trying to numb out your feelings, because numbness isn't the absence of feelings.
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Numbness is a state of being overwhelmed by too many feelings.
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 And then, not only do you not experience the feelings that you don't want to experience, but you don't experience the other feelings.
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You mute one feeling, you mute the others.
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You mute the pain, you mute the joy.
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So you're living in this state where you don't actually get to feel the range of feelings that make us human.
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What is that state called?
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Sick?
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Sickness state?
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Sick, I was gonna say dead.
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I mean, I feel like you can be alive, but not living.
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 And that's what happens to people is that they're alive, they're going through the motions, they wake up every day, but they're not really living their lives.
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 What's an assessment we could take for ourselves if someone's listening or watching to ask themselves how alive or how dead they are and if the people in their life closest are actually good for them or are hurting their psychological states?
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Is there a questionnaire we could take just off the cuff?
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Is there an assessment?
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Is there a few things we could ask ourselves?
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Yeah, I mean, I think that it has to do with a sense of vitality, right?
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Which, of course, like vitality, the word life is right in there.
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 When you wake up in the morning, are you excited about what you're doing?
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Is there meaning in what you're doing?
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Do you feel connected to how you're spending your days?
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Because at the end of your life, are you gonna look back and say, what did I do that was meaningful?
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Maybe you should talk to someone.
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In my book, there's a woman that I treat.
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She's this young woman who goes on her honeymoon.
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She's newly married, she comes back, and she has cancer.
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And she says to me at one point, she says, why do we need a terminal diagnosis?
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 Why do we need a terminal diagnosis to live our lives with intention?
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Why do we need that to really pay attention?
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 And I think that if we can keep the awareness of death sitting on one shoulder, and I don't mean in a morbid way or in a creepy way, it's not depressing, it's actually, again, going back to vitality, it helps us feel alive, because life has 100% mortality rate, and that's not for other people, we like to believe that, right?
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And so the thing is that if we know that we have a limited time here, I think we would pay more attention to what we're actually doing every day.
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Why is it so hard for people to pay attention?
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Fear.
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 But they feel like they're stuck sometimes for years.
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It's like I stay stuck in a relationship that I know is not right for me for years.
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I stay in a depressed state for years.
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I stay in a job that I hate for years.
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It's all based on fear.
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Well, I think it is fear.
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I think it's fear of uncertainty.
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This is going to sound strange, but change is really hard because we cling to something that's familiar to us.
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So even though we may know, oh, this would help me, this would be a good change for me,
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 We don't do it because it's unfamiliar.
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And so if you grew up with a lot of chaos, if you grew up feeling sad all the time or anxious all the time, that feels like home to you, even if it's unpleasant or even miserable.
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 She'll keep finding chaotic environments to stay in.
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It was funny because my own therapist gave me this great analogy.
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He said to me, he said, you remind me of this cartoon, and it's of a prisoner shaking the bars, desperately trying to get out.
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But on the right and the left, it's open.
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No bars.
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So basically, the prisoner is not in jail.
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 And that's what so many of us are like.
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We feel like we're trapped.
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We're not in jail.
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We can change.
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We can just walk around the bars.
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But why don't we?
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Because with freedom, the freedom to walk around the bars, comes responsibility.
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And if we're responsible for our own lives, that scares us.
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We feel like, oh, I don't know if I can do that.
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I don't know if I'm competent enough to do that.
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Or now I'm to blame if things don't go right.
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I can't blame it on everything else.
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 Is this one of the reasons why inmates, after a long time being in prison, who get out, go back into prison because they feel like they need to be back in that environment?
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Or are there other reasons?
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I think there are other reasons.
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I think we don't give people the support when they come out.
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The mental health issues that they needed to be treated for, they never got that support.
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And then they come out, and they're back in the same situation where they don't have that community support.
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 Why is it so hard for us to take responsibility for our own happiness?
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I think that if you grew up in a household where you were seen and heard and understood, those are the people who do take responsibility for their own happiness.
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I think for people who felt like they were ripped off in their childhoods, there's a part of them that's still in a fight.
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There's a part of them that still wants that redo.
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 And so it's kind of like they're not aware of this, but what they're saying is basically, I will not change mom and dad until you give me the things that I did not get in childhood.
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So they'll go find a partner that emulates their environment from mom and dad and try to change them so they...
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 Well, right.
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This is the irony of relationship, right?
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For those people who have not sort of worked through it.
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This is so common.
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And I think all of us have this piece in us, right?
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Because nobody had a perfect childhood.
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So what happens is people say, okay, when I'm an adult, I'm going to pick a partner who really makes me feel nourished, who really gives me all those things that I did not get growing up.
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But what they don't realize is unconsciously they have this radar for
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 the people who look very different from their parents on the surface.
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But then once they get into that relationship, it's kind of like, uh-oh, this feels familiar, right?
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And so what they did was their unconscious said, when they were picking their partner, hey, you look familiar.
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Come closer.
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Even though, consciously, they thought, oh, you're totally different from my parents.
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This is going to work out great.
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 But no, they have radar for that if they haven't worked out the stuff that's sort of their unfinished business.
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There's this saying, we marry our unfinished business.
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We actually do marry our unfinished business.
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So that is why it is so important as an adult to take responsibility and say, you know what?
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I am going to have to grieve this loss of what I didn't get.
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And I'm going to have to work through this and assess where I am as an adult so that I pick people and surround myself with people who are healthy for me.
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 What if you've chosen someone that you love deeply, but it's unconsciously your unfinished business?
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Is that the wrong person for you once you realize, oh, they're never gonna change?
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Or is that a point for us to reflect back and say, actually, I need to heal the past, accept this person for who they are, and be willing to flow within this relationship?
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Well, what happens is, so you married your unfinished business, but so did they.
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 And so if you can both recognize that, if you realize, hey, wait, we have a lot of conflict in our relationship, or we're really avoidant in our relationship, or we don't feel connected in the way we wanna feel connected, that's a great opportunity for both of you to work out your unfinished business.
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To heal together.
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To heal together, right.
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 And so that relationship could thrive.
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If you both are willing to look in the mirror at yourselves and do the work.
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Yes, that could be a really beautiful relationship.
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And it can be very healing for both of you, in fact.
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 It could potentially be the strongest bond ever if you both were able to go through that.
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But if you're unwilling to go through that, then what?
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You're gonna be in pain?
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Well, both people have to be willing.
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I mean, that's the thing.
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So it's like you may wake up one day and say, oh, wait a minute, I have all this unfinished business.
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And then your partner says, yeah, it's all you.
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You're the problem in the relationship.
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You know, it's kind of like in couples therapy so often I'll see something like, someone will say like, you never listened to me.
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And I'll say, how well do you listen to them?
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 Right, it's always like... If you're just yelling at someone all day, are they gonna wanna listen to you?
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Right, right.
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So, you know, there's this dance that we do in relationship, and what happens is people are doing these dance steps, and people become very, they become very ingrained.
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It's like, oh, here we go.
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You can script out people's arguments.
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You know exactly what they're gonna look like.
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It starts with one thing, and then it goes back into many different things, and you're like, oh, man.
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And you know exactly how it's gonna go, and who's gonna feel what, and who's gonna accuse the other person of what, and that's the dance.
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And so if one person changes their dance steps,
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 The other person either is going to fall flat on the dance floor, or they're going to have to change their steps too if they want to keep dancing.
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And usually, so we always say you can't change another person, but you can influence another person.
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How?
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By changing your dance steps.
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So for example, we like to say insight is the booby prize of therapy, meaning people will come and they'll be like, oh,
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 now I understand why I keep getting into that argument with my partner.
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And so then they go home and they come back the next week and I'll say, well, did you do something different when you got in that argument?
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Well, no, but I understand why I did.
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So you have to be both vulnerable and accountable when you come to therapy.
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How do we fight better when we are in constant repeat pattern every month or every week, it becomes an argument around something for whatever reason, it's a pattern and couples start to notice it.
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 How does one person or both people recognize and say, OK, I'm going to change my dance steps and I'm going to fight or dance better?
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Yeah.
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The first thing is to notice sort of what what do you own in this?
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What is your reaction?
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So we have a choice every time someone presents us with something.
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There's a there's a great quote in the book.
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It's a Viktor Frankl quote where he says between stimulus and response, there is a space and in that space lies our freedom to choose.
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 Between stimulus and response, so between an action happening and your response to the action.
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So your partner says something.
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There's a window of opportunity.
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Yes, there's that space.
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Usually that space for us will look like a breath.
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 The breath is everything.
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The breath, really, like you need that breath.
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If you don't breathe, you're screwed.
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If you need to take the breath, or you will just respond.
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It's sort of like we have these neural pathways that are wired, right?
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And someone says something, and you react not just to what that person in front of you is saying, but it goes back to something that reminds you of something from a long time ago.
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People who aren't even in the room are in that moment with you.
0
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 And so that's that neural pathway.
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And so what you need to do is you need to take a breath.
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It's like a big stop sign on that road that's your neural pathway.
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So hold up the stop sign.
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You can even picture a stop sign in your mind.
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Stop.
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Breathe.
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 Now you get to choose, how do I want to respond to this?
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Do I want to respond in the way I've responded the last gazillion times, which has not worked out well?
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Or do I want to try something different?
0
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So that's part one.
0
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Part two is perspective taking.
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A lot of people who are in really highly conflictual relationships have trouble with perspective taking.
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They can't imagine that the other person has a valid perspective.
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Now you might not agree with every piece of how they view this,
0
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 But there's some overlap between how this person views it and how you view it, but you are not willing to see that.
0
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And so I have this new podcast called Dear Therapist, and on the podcast, so much of what we do is we help people to take the perspective of the other person.
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SPEAKER_00
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SPEAKER_01
 Why is that so hard for people to see someone else's perspective?
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Well, two things.
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One is because that unreliable narrator thing that we think that we are right and we don't want to be told.
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And so what we hear when we say there's another perspective, we're not saying you're wrong.
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We're saying there's more to the story.
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So there's a difference between their perspective is valid as well is not saying your version is wrong.
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We're saying there's more.
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 So people hear it though as you are wrong.
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And the other part of it is that there's a lot of shame, that people are sticking to a certain story because if they allow that other part of the story to come in, the part that they're responsible for will probably come up and they feel a lot of shame.
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So when I see individuals in therapy, they come in and they tell me a story and they leave out the parts that they are embarrassed about.
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 the parts that they feel like, that was not my finest moment.
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Like what?
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Give me an example, like, well, I screamed back, or I did this.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, yeah, like, you know, here's what happened, or here's, this is the situation, and my partner did this, or my mother did this, or my child did this, or my boss did this, whatever.
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And they don't tell you these other details, and they sort of trickle out later on.
0
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And they're very relevant to the story.
0
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 But that's shame, right?
0
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And so, you know, that's why the therapeutic relationship is so important because you get to a point where you really trust the therapist and you're able to be really honest about what happened.
0
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How much does shame shape our stories?
0
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Oh, so much.
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I think that, you know, as humans, we want to belong.
0
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And what shame is about is, I'm not going to belong.
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I'm not going to be loved.
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The greatest human need is, you know, how can we love and be loved?
0
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 And when you feel like there's something I did that people will look upon badly, they might not like me if I tell them this.
0
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That's just wired into us.
0
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It's like the ego death to us.
0
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It's like the emotional death.
0
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If someone knew this about us, they would not love me and I would emotionally die.
0
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And I will be alone.
0
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And I'll be alone, yeah.
0
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Yeah, and we need other people.
0
SPEAKER_01
 I felt this way for many years where I opened up about sexual abuse about 7 years ago and for 25 years no one knew because I was so ashamed.
0
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And I felt like if anyone knew how could they possibly love me or accept me or how would anyone want to date me or my family?
0
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How would they not disown me?
0
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These were the stories that I was writing.
0
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I was a bad editor.
0
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 How does someone who's done something that they're not proud of in the past, who's had something done to them that they're not proud of, whatever, they've been in a situation that they feel shame around, how does someone start to process that shame to heal so that it doesn't continue to run their life and keep them imprisoned?
0
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 Yeah.
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Well, I think they do what you did, which is you started talking about it.
0
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And I think you have to choose your audience, which is really important, especially as you're just starting out.
0
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So you want to make sure that... Don't tell your abuser.
0
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 Who's the toxic relationship is, yeah.
0
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Well, you know, I think you have to really choose someone who's safe.
0
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And if you don't have those people, you know, I think a therapist is a really good place to start.
0
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But I do think that it's harder for men to talk about anything, whether it's sexual abuse or even, you know, just sort of like anything they feel vulnerable about.
0
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And so men will come into my office.
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 And they will say to me at some point, you know, I've never told anyone this before.
0
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And then... Do women say that?
0
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Yes.
0
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So here's the thing.
0
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Women will say that.
0
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They'll say, I've never told anyone this before, except for my mother, my sister and my best friend.
0
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You're the only one.
0
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Don't know.
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You're the only one.
0
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Right.
0
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 I told my book club, I told, you know, whatever it is.
0
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They've told like a few people, but they feel like, because women, it's acceptable for women to talk about these things.
0
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And so they feel like they haven't told anyone because they still feel like there's some degree of privacy around it.
0
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 Men literally have told no one.
0
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And they might, even if they have like a great partner and they have close friends, you know, they have a great family, whatever it is, they feel like I cannot tell anyone because vulnerability for men in our culture is not okay.
0
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 Even though we say that, so this is funny.
0
SPEAKER_01
Even though women say, I wish you would open up, I wish you'd be more, I wish you would cry and be more sensitive, but then when they are, they're like, I need you to be strong right now.
0
SPEAKER_00
Right, so this is exactly what happens in couples therapy.
0
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So I'll have two people sitting on the couch and I have a couple.
0
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 and say it's a heterosexual couple, and the woman says to the man, like, I really want to get to know you.
0
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I feel like we would connect so much more if you would just open up to me.
0
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I want to know what's going on inside there, right?
0
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And he does.
0
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And let's say he tears up.
0
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 Let's say he actually starts crying in a way where like his body is convulsing, right?
0
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She looks at me like deer in headlights.
0
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She's so profoundly uncomfortable.
0
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This is the thing that she was asking for.
0
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So what she'll say is,
0
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 I don't feel safe when you don't open up to me.
0
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And I don't feel safe when you're vulnerable with me.
0
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It's like Goldilocks.
0
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It's like not too much, not too little, but right in the middle.
0
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That's how vulnerable you can be with me.
0
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I've been saying this for a long time, that I feel like this is one of the main things that hurts all intimate relationships.
0
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Yes.
0
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When a person doesn't feel safe to share their emotions to the person that says they love them the most.
0
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 and actually makes them wrong for it, or makes them less than, or retracts their love when they're vulnerable.
0
SPEAKER_01
So, I don't know the solution for this, besides saying this all the time, and besides saying, ladies, if you want a vulnerable man who's emotional, you have to accept him when he's emotional.
0
SPEAKER_00
Well, not just accept, but embrace.
0
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 What is the self-talk you do internally?
0
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If you don't have a mirror, if you're not alone in a bathroom, what's your process that you say to yourself?
0
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What are the reminders?
0
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What are the mantras, meditations that you think about before that?
0
SPEAKER_02
It always helps me to voice it.
0
SPEAKER_02
Um, whenever I'm insecure, I either I'll write about it, um, somewhere, or I'll speak to somebody who I trust my mom, my husband, my best friends.
0
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Um,
0
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 but I find it easier to talk about it.
0
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So that's why I have a healthier relationship with my insecurities because I take away their power by discussing them.
0
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Um, I choose not to live with them alone in the dark recesses of my mind, because then they become monsters and then they become really, really large and, um, and they're usually not real.
0
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So it's always been very helpful to me.
1
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 whenever I'm feeling crazy or insecure or afraid, or even if I feel like I've made a mistake.
1
SPEAKER_03
My dad told me this when I was very young, when I was, you know, 16, the first time he sat me down and he gave me a glass of champagne and I was like, what?
1
SPEAKER_03
And he was like, yeah, you're 16, you know, you can have a glass of champagne with me.
1
SPEAKER_03
You're going to do it anyway.
1
SPEAKER_03
He was like, and he told me, he was like, whatever happens in your life, you should feel free to be able to do it with your parents.
1
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 There's nothing to hide from us.
1
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I'll always be in your corner.
1
SPEAKER_03
And you know, he told me that about feelings.
1
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I always had the freedom to talk to my mom or my dad as a kid about anything I was feeling.
1
SPEAKER_03
At least to my father, I wouldn't discuss the boyfriends, but my mom, she was like my best friend.
1
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She knew about every, um,
1
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 you know, object of attraction that I ever had.
1
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And I think that that sort of gives you the sense of confidence to be able to talk about it.
1
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And I just think it's a great first step to get rid of insecurities.
1
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 I'm just a big believer, I love everything you're saying, and I'm just a big believer that if people really listen to this and understand and take it in what you're sharing, that it's hard to achieve anything without confidence.
1
SPEAKER_00
You could have the greatest experience, you could have the greatest degree, the skills, you could have the family, you could have the money, like you could have good looks, whatever it is, you could have this stuff, but if you don't know how to build confidence when it matters,
1
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 It doesn't matter if the world believes in you.
1
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If we don't believe in ourselves, nothing's going to happen.
1
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And the world won't believe in you if you don't believe in you.
1
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And I think like as as someone in the public profession, you know, my job is to be entertaining and be confident and in every step that I take and in every move that I make.
1
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But I think recognizing that confidence is not something we are born with.
1
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 It's a skill.
1
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It's like, you know, it's a muscle almost.
1
SPEAKER_03
If you think of it like going to the gym and, you know, to have muscles and to be in shape, you've got to work at it.
1
SPEAKER_03
Just like the vocal cords, people, the greatest musicians in the world, they use
1
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 you know, their vocal cords, they do Riyaz, like we call it in Hindi, but which is warm ups and stuff like that.
1
SPEAKER_03
So confidence to me is like that.
1
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You start using that at a very small level, everyday life, you know, when you're in school, there were times when I was in school where I used to take the other hallway because I didn't want to bump into someone else.
1
SPEAKER_03
 when I started high school, by the time I was in 11th grade, I was walking in the middle of the hallway.
1
SPEAKER_00
You're still around.
1
SPEAKER_00
You get people moving away.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
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I was like, excuse me.
1
SPEAKER_03
I didn't even have to say that I was just walking because that's the same person.
1
SPEAKER_03
But I think that in any profession or any aspect of life, confidence is perception is reality.
1
SPEAKER_03
Most people believe that, right?
1
SPEAKER_03
You know that how people perceive you is what they think reality is.
1
SPEAKER_03
So give them something perceivable.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Amen to that.
1
SPEAKER_00
What would you say are three things on a daily basis that you do to build confidence that you think anyone could apply for their life, even if they feel like they have no confidence?
1
SPEAKER_03
 When I wake up in the morning, I take time in the bathroom.
1
SPEAKER_03
Like I shower, I will, you know, pick the outfit that I'm feeling today.
1
SPEAKER_03
I will, you know, sort of doing my makeup and my hair sort of helps me or my skincare routine actually at night helps me be sort of introspective.
1
SPEAKER_03
Otherwise through the day, I'm very erratic.
1
SPEAKER_03
I have, you know, multiple balls in the air.
1
SPEAKER_03
Professionally, I'm doing a lot of things.
1
SPEAKER_03
I'm always behind on time.
1
SPEAKER_03
I'm always playing catch up.
1
SPEAKER_03
 So at the end of the night and the beginning of the day, I really give myself some silence.
1
SPEAKER_03
I play music and, you know, I put my creams on and I really think about what the day is going to be like and how my first step outside the room is going to be.
1
SPEAKER_03
 When I take that first step outside my safe space, it sets the tone for my day.
1
SPEAKER_03
So I try not to have it be erratic or scary or like, you know, if I'm late and if I'm running, that always sets the tone for my energy through the day.
1
SPEAKER_03
So I try to really, you know, start my day on the tone I want to have and the confidence I want to have.
1
SPEAKER_03
And at every given step during the day, I remind myself of the things I have
1
SPEAKER_03
 instead of the things I don't have.
1
SPEAKER_03
Like insecurity comes from a lot of it.
1
SPEAKER_03
Sometimes I think comes from, Oh my gosh, I don't have this.
1
SPEAKER_03
It's not good enough.
1
SPEAKER_03
Or I'm not good enough for particular scenario or a particular situation or, you know, we start judging ourselves.
1
SPEAKER_03
And this was another lesson, actually an activity that my mom and I used to do is we used to count our blessings.
1
SPEAKER_03
 And, you know, me and my husband do it too, whenever we're feeling crazy because our schedules are insane.
1
SPEAKER_03
We're, you know, always in different parts of the world.
1
SPEAKER_03
Um, we do that.
1
SPEAKER_03
We found our blessings about just five things that whenever you're feeling sort of crazy and unstable that, um, you know, you have that you're really grateful for.
1
SPEAKER_03
And I'm not even saying this superficially, this was, um, like truly an exercise, no matter how badly off you are, someone else is worse off than you.
1
SPEAKER_03
 that makes it so easy to count your blessings.
1
SPEAKER_00
I mean, especially watching this latest movie that you're in, I mean, White Tiger.
1
SPEAKER_00
I've only been to India once.
1
SPEAKER_00
I went there four years ago and studied meditation in Chennai for a couple of weeks, but I went to Delhi and, you know, kind of traveled around a little bit.
1
SPEAKER_00
I didn't see everything, but I saw a lot of
1
SPEAKER_00
 dark things and a lot of things that were Constantly reminding me.
1
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
1
SPEAKER_00
I have a lot to be grateful for every moment So I think it's important to have that perspective In our lives that we always have something to be grateful for even when it's the darkest time.
1
SPEAKER_03
There's something to be grateful for Absolutely, and that's so empowering that to me is my greatest mantra is, you know Truly intangibly do it on your fingers do it like just five things And it's it's a great exercise to do with someone as well your kids your family, you know
1
SPEAKER_03
 Anytime, it's just like five things, then you have to just say, rattle it out.
1
SPEAKER_03
The five things that you can think of at that point.
1
SPEAKER_03
But, you know, the crazy part about the White Tiger is that it's based in India and you probably reacted to it because it's shot so authentically.
1
SPEAKER_03
But if you think about it,
1
SPEAKER_03
 The majority of the world lives in those conditions, you know, and the socioeconomic divide that exists right now is only increasing.
1
SPEAKER_03
 Like even the sustainable development goals have been set to eradicate extreme poverty because it's such a big problem.
1
SPEAKER_03
There's such a large population of the world.
1
SPEAKER_03
And we as privileged society, we as privileged people, anyone who has a roof above their head and meals on their table is privileged.
1
SPEAKER_03
And as privileged people, like that's something that's our concern.
1
SPEAKER_03
You know, there's a large generation of children
1
SPEAKER_03
 who don't have a choice in their future or in their lives.
1
SPEAKER_03
They don't know if they can have aspirations or dreams.
1
SPEAKER_03
And how desensitized are we?
1
SPEAKER_03
Last time, you've driven past a homeless shelter and you've not even looked at it, or a homeless person and not even looked at them.
1
SPEAKER_03
It's the desensitization that we as people who have, and that's the differentiation between the have-nots.
1
SPEAKER_03
 But it's also a reality, and it's a reality everywhere in the world.
1
SPEAKER_00
I don't want to give away the whole movie.
1
SPEAKER_00
I want everyone to watch it, because it was really powerful and inspiring to see someone come from poverty to essentially become an entrepreneur and be successful in their own way.
1
SPEAKER_00
And the story is really powerful.
1
SPEAKER_00
But you took on a role.
1
SPEAKER_00
 That is, I found fascinating because that's probably not I don't know if that's how you would react in real life, because I know you have such a giving, grateful heart, caring about humanity.
1
SPEAKER_00
But your character does something that's very controversial.
1
SPEAKER_00
And you essentially, from my opinion, don't take accountability.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
And how how did you feel
1
SPEAKER_00
 doing a role that is probably against your morals, your values and the way you live your life right now.
1
SPEAKER_03
I never judge my characters.
1
SPEAKER_03
You know, like I never judge people.
1
SPEAKER_03
Live and let live.
1
SPEAKER_03
Each person is individual to their decisions.
1
SPEAKER_03
And if I started, I would never be able to play bad guys.
1
SPEAKER_03
And I love playing bad guys.
1
SPEAKER_03
 But I think what was most interesting for me when I was playing Pinky is she's an American, you know, and I'm an Indian who's grown up in India and understands the complexity of the diversity of that country.
1
SPEAKER_03
There is no one India.
1
SPEAKER_03
There is multiple Indias and you can spend your whole life trying to get to know it and you'll still never know her.
1
SPEAKER_03
 So this is one aspect of India that is showcased in this movie, but it's also, it's more than that.
1
SPEAKER_03
It's the story of this one man and everyone else from his perspective.
1
SPEAKER_03
So it's not us looking at him or the country, it's him looking at all of us saying, oh, you know, and especially with my character,
1
SPEAKER_03
 She's woke, but she's fake woke, right?
1
SPEAKER_03
She's one of those girls who's like, why don't you pull yourselves out of your circumstances?
1
SPEAKER_03
I, my parents worked in a bodega, you know, and I pulled myself out.
1
SPEAKER_03
Why don't you do it?
1
SPEAKER_03
He doesn't have a roof over his shoulders.
1
SPEAKER_03
 His his family doesn't have food.
1
SPEAKER_03
It's a completely different complexity that most woke people don't have the ability to understand, including me.
1
SPEAKER_03
I lived there and I can't claim to understand it because, you know, I have had the basic lively life rights since I was a child.
1
SPEAKER_03
I've been to school.
1
SPEAKER_03
I've had an opinion about where my future is going to be choices.
1
SPEAKER_03
 And that's what's so amazing to me about this movie that I leaned into playing a character that was fake woke and, you know, pivoted when it wasn't convenient, me and my husband both in the movie, not my real husband.
1
SPEAKER_00
Right, right.
1
SPEAKER_03
 the character in the movie, both of us sort of were like, this is not the right thing.
1
SPEAKER_03
But when it was inconvenient, we kind of stood back and watched.
1
SPEAKER_03
And that's a very human testament, which is why this movie, which was originally a book by Arvind Adiga, which came out in 2008, it was a Man Booker Prize winner.
1
SPEAKER_03
It was a New York Times bestseller.
1
SPEAKER_03
 When this book came out, that's exactly what it did.
1
SPEAKER_03
It was such a human sort of transcript, human behavior.
1
SPEAKER_03
 you know, flawed, not black or white, living in gray, all of them living in gray, which is truly how we live.
1
SPEAKER_03
And it's sort of self-reflective.
1
SPEAKER_03
It should make people feel introspective and think about the last time we behaved like that.
1
SPEAKER_03
Plus it's clever and it's sarcastic.
1
SPEAKER_03
Sarcasm is my favorite language.
1
SPEAKER_03
So I really enjoyed the tone of the movie as well.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Speaking about sarcasm, was it pretty easy for you to step into that character living in LA then with all the woke, fake woke people here?
1
SPEAKER_03
I mean, I will say that I may have been inspired by my surroundings just a little bit.
1
SPEAKER_00
 I'm curious, excuse me, I'm curious about your evolution as a woman in this industry.
1
SPEAKER_00
Typically, younger women are more desirable for opportunities in their late teens, early 20s.
1
SPEAKER_00
And it's like when you're 26, 27, it's almost like you're old as a woman and you may not be the young, sexy one anymore or something in this industry.
1
SPEAKER_00
How do you feel after
1
SPEAKER_00
 Getting into your late 30s now, how have you evolved personally to not allow that stigma to hold you back from being who you want to be, from accepting yourself, from loving yourself, from innovating and reinventing yourself that you've done so many times?
1
SPEAKER_00
How do you not let that stigma hold you back?
1
SPEAKER_03
 I can't say that I don't.
1
SPEAKER_03
I just am hoping that it doesn't happen to me.
1
SPEAKER_03
You know, we live in a world where anything is possible right now, as we've seen in the last few years, a few months, years as well.
1
SPEAKER_03
Um, and I, I think that I remember when I was in my, when I was 28, um, my mom sat me down one day and she said, you know, um, you, girls have a shelf life and you're reaching that
1
SPEAKER_03
 where the older boys, they're always looking for the younger girl to act with.
1
SPEAKER_03
And even if they're in their fifties, they're still gonna be working with 20 year olds, but you're gonna be old and you need to think about a business.
1
SPEAKER_03
If acting opportunities stop coming your way, that's how I actually started my production house.
1
SPEAKER_03
 Because I was like, you're right.
1
SPEAKER_03
What if I'm like, I need to be financially independent in my life.
1
SPEAKER_03
But at the same time, while this was happening to me, I recognized that innovation and reinventing who I am, even for me, is so important and being true to the craft that I'm doing and the service that I have to provide, which is my job.
1
SPEAKER_03
 I started trying new things.
1
SPEAKER_03
I started wanting to grow.
1
SPEAKER_03
I didn't want to stagnate into doing the same kind of roles.
1
SPEAKER_03
I didn't want to stagnate in, you know, similar kind of parts or even languages and borders.
1
SPEAKER_03
And I did music.
1
SPEAKER_03
I was signed as a record recording artist to Interscope, Prim and Pose.
1
SPEAKER_03
I pivoted from that into television that I had never done, English language TV.
1
SPEAKER_03
Then I moved into features in America.
1
SPEAKER_03
 Now I'm producing in India and America and acting in both these countries, which are two of the greatest movie industries in the world.
1
SPEAKER_03
But if I sat down to think about the glass ceiling that was built for me, um, I would never have a trajectory powerful enough to break it.
1
SPEAKER_03
Wow.
1
SPEAKER_03
Cause I didn't make that glass ceiling.
1
SPEAKER_03
So I don't want to think about where it is.
1
SPEAKER_03
You know, it's been made by other people.
1
SPEAKER_03
So you just kind of have to have
1
SPEAKER_03
 you know, speed and run towards your end game and, you know, have a goal and be ambitious and fuel that ambition every single day.
1
SPEAKER_03
What is the end game to have a legacy?
1
SPEAKER_03
I think I want my, um, children to be proud of, you know, the, the legacy that I've had.
1
SPEAKER_03
I want to be hopefully, you know, part of, um,
1
SPEAKER_03
 you know, the history books of entertainment where I may have contributed to the arts in some way with the work that I have done or the work that I create or the work that I will do.
1
SPEAKER_03
So I want to be able to, as a woman, you know, leave a better world for the girls after us, like the women before me did for me.
1
SPEAKER_03
I don't think about voting today.
1
SPEAKER_03
I don't think about driving today.
1
SPEAKER_03
I don't think about aspiring to have the same job as a man.
1
SPEAKER_03
And all of those fights,
1
SPEAKER_03
 were fought by women that came before me.
1
SPEAKER_03
So it's my responsibility and our responsibility as a generation to leave it better for the next one.
1
SPEAKER_03
So those are broad strokes of my end games.
1
SPEAKER_00
And what I mean, I'm sure you get this question a lot.
1
SPEAKER_00
I'm just curious, because my audience is a lot of high achievers.
1
SPEAKER_00
They they're big dreamers.
1
SPEAKER_00
They're going after what they want.
1
SPEAKER_00
They're learning the skills, the tools to become more confident, more, more giving all those things.
1
SPEAKER_00
 It sounds like you're doing everything all at the same time.
1
SPEAKER_00
How do you navigate intimacy, connection, love with your husband, your family, your friends, the people that matter the most to you?
1
SPEAKER_00
How do you navigate relationships?
1
SPEAKER_00
 with such a busy full plate?
1
SPEAKER_03
It's not easy.
1
SPEAKER_03
You know, there's not as much face time as you would possibly want.
1
SPEAKER_03
But I when I made the deal with the devil about, you know, running at this fast pace many years ago, I realized that there would be sacrifices that are required.
1
SPEAKER_03
And, you know, when you have there's no free lunch in the world.
1
SPEAKER_03
And when you have ambitions, you've got to sort of pay for it.
1
SPEAKER_03
And
1
SPEAKER_03
 But I overcompensate or I try and compensate with making sure even if I don't have FaceTime or if I like for a very long time in my life, I missed, you know, birthdays and Diwali and New Year's and I would always be working.
1
SPEAKER_03
All I could do was apologize.
1
SPEAKER_03
And my family always understood because, you know, I was I was working at something.
1
SPEAKER_03
But I think that
1
SPEAKER_03
 I made sure that I always call.
1
SPEAKER_03
I never forget birthdays.
1
SPEAKER_03
I will always call on a birthday.
1
SPEAKER_03
If I go to a city, even if I can't meet someone, my family, my friends, I'll make sure we FaceTime.
1
SPEAKER_03
It made me very thoughtful about the people I love.
1
SPEAKER_03
I love loving the people that I care about.
1
SPEAKER_03
I love making them feel special.
1
SPEAKER_03
And I love being
1
SPEAKER_03
 empathetic and I think it's very important to leave the baggage of the job behind when you walk into your house and just be true to what you're feeling.
1
SPEAKER_03
I think it's important to choose relationships when you're really busy because we can all be caught up in life and you know life is like
1
SPEAKER_03
 a really fast river, you know, you don't know what the currents are going to be because it's just moving.
1
SPEAKER_03
You don't know what you're going to bump into because it's just moving.
1
SPEAKER_03
But you have to choose to hold on to something when you want to take a breath, right?
1
SPEAKER_03
Just like that, you have to choose to hold on to a relationship, whatever that might be with your children, with your family, with your parents.
1
SPEAKER_03
You have to make the time and you have to tell the people you love that you love them.
1
SPEAKER_03
Don't just assume that they know.
1
SPEAKER_00
 You've got some wisdom, Priyanka, I love this.
1
SPEAKER_00
Aw, thank you.
1
SPEAKER_00
I'm curious about, I know how meaningful the relationship was with your father, and he obviously got to experience a lot of your success, and I'm sure he was extremely proud of you for the 3,000 movies and all the projects you worked on.
1
SPEAKER_00
But I'm curious, what do you think personally he would be most proud of that you've done in your life since his passing?
1
SPEAKER_03
 that I didn't give up, that I didn't rest on my laurels.
1
SPEAKER_03
He used to always push me.
1
SPEAKER_03
He would always push me to never be satisfied with what I have.
1
SPEAKER_03
 He pushed my ambition.
1
SPEAKER_03
He flamed my ambition.
1
SPEAKER_03
He was always like, what's the next thing?
1
SPEAKER_03
What are we doing?
1
SPEAKER_03
He loved hearing stories about the next movies that I was doing.
1
SPEAKER_03
I used to literally narrate them to him in the hospital bed as well.
1
SPEAKER_03
This is my character.
1
SPEAKER_03
And I used to break down my characters with him or movies that I wanted to make.
1
SPEAKER_03
 And, you know, there were phases in my life, like that a little bit of a dark phase, especially after my dad died, where I felt like I don't know if I could keep up with the life that I had built and what was expected of me by then.
1
SPEAKER_03
Because I personally took a hit and I personally was feeling sad and, you know, sadness sort of
1
SPEAKER_03
 Sadness is strangely seductive.
1
SPEAKER_03
It kind of sucks you in and it feels comfortable.
1
SPEAKER_03
It feels like you're floating and it's easy.
1
SPEAKER_03
Light might be harsh a little bit, but the joy that you feel when you choose light, when you choose to let go of the seduction of sadness,
1
SPEAKER_03
 I think my dad was afraid that, because I'm very sensitive, that I would have been seduced by sadness for a long time.
1
SPEAKER_03
He was very afraid of that.
1
SPEAKER_03
Even before he died, he used to always talk to me about, don't be sad.
1
SPEAKER_03
Do not be sad.
1
SPEAKER_03
I'm not going away.
1
SPEAKER_03
I'm always with you.
1
SPEAKER_03
But I was.
1
SPEAKER_03
I was tremendously sad.
1
SPEAKER_03
But it takes choosing yourself.
1
SPEAKER_03
And I've done that multiple times in my life.
1
SPEAKER_03
And I think it's such a powerful tool.
1
SPEAKER_03
 Because the longest relationship you have is with yourself.
1
SPEAKER_00
I read somewhere that about you sharing that you come into this place alone, you leave this place alone, you've got to, you know, build that relationship with yourself.
1
SPEAKER_00
I love you keep saying choose yourself.
1
SPEAKER_00
A friend of mine wrote a book called Choose Yourself.
1
SPEAKER_00
His name is James Altucher.
1
SPEAKER_00
And it's a really powerful book.
1
SPEAKER_00
It's about, you know, going after you want and choosing yourself and not allowing someone else to dictate
1
SPEAKER_00
 what you can and can't do and all that stuff.
1
SPEAKER_00
But I love that you keep using that phrase, because I think it's important for people to be reminded that we need to choose ourselves when no one else will choose us.
1
SPEAKER_00
We need to be there for ourselves when we're sad, when we're sad.
1
SPEAKER_03
It's no one's job.
1
SPEAKER_03
It's no one's job to choose someone else.
1
SPEAKER_03
You know, your parents will do it for a while.
1
SPEAKER_03
Your spouses will do it for a while.
1
SPEAKER_03
Maybe your children will do it for a while.
1
SPEAKER_03
But you are no one else's responsibility but your own.
1
SPEAKER_03
 And what you do with your life and the choices you make dictate the sum of your life.
1
SPEAKER_03
It's such simple math, actually.
1
SPEAKER_03
We are the sum of all our choices.
1
SPEAKER_03
And if you want to achieve something, if you want to achieve greatness, and I'll give you a small example.
1
SPEAKER_03
The White Tiger, the movie.
1
SPEAKER_03
 I was never attached to it, I was never approached for it.
1
SPEAKER_03
I read about it on Twitter, that it was being made.
1
SPEAKER_03
I read in a trade magazine, I read a deadline actually, that The White Tiger is being adapted by the director Ramin Barani for Netflix.
1
SPEAKER_03
 And I was like, I have to be a part of this movie.
1
SPEAKER_03
I called the agents.
1
SPEAKER_03
I called my agents.
1
SPEAKER_03
I made them call the producers.
1
SPEAKER_03
I chased Ramin from Mumbai to New York to LA.
1
SPEAKER_03
I met him three times.
1
SPEAKER_03
I auditioned with him three times.
1
SPEAKER_03
I offered my services as an executive producer because I wanted the material.
1
SPEAKER_03
Because I want to align myself with good content.
1
SPEAKER_03
And I believe that would be good content.
1
SPEAKER_00
 so many young kids feel that way about the followers and engagement, the likes, and they tie it to their self-worth.
1
SPEAKER_00
And if they don't get that engagement, it emotionally messes with them.
1
SPEAKER_00
So what advice would you give to people on the internet right now who are constantly on Instagram or Twitter or wherever it is, TikTok, and it affects them?
1
SPEAKER_02
 The advice I would give them, they're not going to listen to.
1
SPEAKER_02
Don't be on it.
1
SPEAKER_02
Completely get off of it.
1
SPEAKER_02
Erase it.
1
SPEAKER_02
Delete the account as a whole.
1
SPEAKER_02
Don't just, I'm going to delete the app.
1
SPEAKER_02
That's the biggest thing I hear.
1
SPEAKER_02
I'm going to take a break.
1
SPEAKER_02
 Yeah, bro, come on, forget about it.
1
SPEAKER_02
Sometimes I do certain posts if I want it to be very personal, but I don't have it on my phone, my assistant does.
1
SPEAKER_02
So I'll be like, hey, let me, I don't know, tweet Lil Nas X or something.
1
SPEAKER_02
And so I'll do that from myself.
1
SPEAKER_02
And then sometimes I'll see something and I'll be like, oh, oh, wow, oh my God.
1
SPEAKER_02
And then I'm like, holy, what am I doing?
1
SPEAKER_02
I'm scrolling, what is this?
1
SPEAKER_02
And then I literally, I'm like, get this away from me.
1
SPEAKER_02
I say it every time, which is really funny.
1
SPEAKER_02
 it you know what it is man
1
SPEAKER_02
 One, it's also a different era.
1
SPEAKER_02
So when social media started to become a thing, I was 17, this was 2007, I remember this, because I remember watching the Dark Knight was coming out and everybody was gonna hate on What's-His-Face for being Joker, Heath Ledger.
1
SPEAKER_02
And I thought he was gonna do great, and he did, and that was awesome.
1
SPEAKER_02
And so I just remember Ashton Kutcher had like the most amount of followers.
1
SPEAKER_00
And it was a million.
1
SPEAKER_00
It was a big deal.
1
SPEAKER_02
It was such a thing.
1
SPEAKER_02
Was he the first one to a million or something?
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
And so this was, for me,
1
SPEAKER_02
 It kind of happened later, right?
1
SPEAKER_02
I didn't really catch myself online all the time until like 20, 21.
1
SPEAKER_02
So I was a little older, but what I'm saying is these kids are literally born with a phone in their hands.
1
SPEAKER_02
 So it's difficult, yeah, because so much of their socializing actually isn't really even in person.
1
SPEAKER_02
And when they are in person, they're still on their phones.
1
SPEAKER_02
So there's no connection, right?
1
SPEAKER_00
So because of this... My nephew and nieces, my nephew and nieces, we were...
1
SPEAKER_00
 We were on a vacation, and they were literally on their phone the whole time.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I've been with one of them before where they're with their friends, and they're chatting with each other on the phone next to each other.
1
SPEAKER_00
They go, what are we doing here?
1
SPEAKER_00
You're chatting with each other through the phone, but you're next to each other.
1
SPEAKER_00
It just makes no sense to me.
1
SPEAKER_02
It's freaking weird.
1
SPEAKER_02
Now, the issue is that we can't relate.
1
SPEAKER_02
 because that wasn't our childhood, right?
1
SPEAKER_02
So in many ways, even though it's definitely not healthy.
1
SPEAKER_02
 There's things that we can relate to about kids, right?
1
SPEAKER_02
Like, I don't know, you're in seventh or eighth grade, and you're in your first kind of real relationship, and you've been dating for like three weeks, and it's amazing, and then this guy or girl breaks your heart.
1
SPEAKER_02
And then you go home, and you act a certain way, and your parents find out, and the parents are like, oh, don't worry.
1
SPEAKER_02
You're gonna be over this.
1
SPEAKER_02
And you're like, you don't understand.
1
SPEAKER_02
And it's like, no, I do understand.
1
SPEAKER_02
 But it's okay, like da da da.
1
SPEAKER_02
But we can't do the same thing when it comes to social media because we don't know what that's like.
1
SPEAKER_02
We haven't been there.
1
SPEAKER_02
We haven't been bullied online and in person.
1
SPEAKER_02
We haven't had a crush on somebody face to face and then accidentally liked their picture and it's like this thing.
1
SPEAKER_02
You know what I mean?
1
SPEAKER_02
There's a whole world of online bullying and just things that I can't understand or put myself in if I was a kid.
1
SPEAKER_02
So I don't really know what I could say
1
SPEAKER_02
 to a child that's constantly on social media, I will say, I do believe it is very similar to the...
1
SPEAKER_02
 this guy or girl broke your heart, you're gonna be all right.
1
SPEAKER_02
If you get off of this thing, you'll be okay.
1
SPEAKER_02
But our society's headed to the metaverse, dude.
1
SPEAKER_02
Augmented reality, next 10, 15 years, phones are gonna be obsolete.
1
SPEAKER_02
Everybody's gonna be wearing glasses.
1
SPEAKER_02
We're gonna be having this conversation without any gear, any camera.
1
SPEAKER_02
It's crazy, which I think is good and bad.
1
SPEAKER_02
I think it's gonna connect people in a very positive way.
1
SPEAKER_02
And there's also gonna be repercussions for trolls.
1
SPEAKER_02
You're not just gonna be able to say the most gnarly
1
SPEAKER_02
 your mouth because you'll be one band from that person's metaverse.
1
SPEAKER_02
 or possibly reported and then deleted from the metaverse as a whole.
1
SPEAKER_02
It's funny, I almost sound like a conspiracy theorist.
1
SPEAKER_02
The metaverse.
1
SPEAKER_02
It's a real thing, bro, look it up.
1
SPEAKER_00
For people listening, especially the younger generation that's saying, you know, Bobby, this is great and all, advice to get off, but you made $30 million in a year, you've got your life now, you got set up, you made your art,
1
SPEAKER_00
 and expression to the world because of the internet, potentially, you know, you're able to get it out there in a big way.
1
SPEAKER_00
So, you know, for people that are trying to express themselves through their art, their business, their sports, whatever their talent is, their gift, and use the internet, how could they do without wrecking their mental health, without wanting to commit suicide, without, you know, feeling unworthy every moment of every day, and also use it as a powerful tool
2
SPEAKER_00
 to advance their dreams?
2
SPEAKER_01
What a great question.
2
SPEAKER_01
I think in my previous statement, that was just to the average person, particularly young kids, teenagers, but honestly, even adults, straight up.
2
SPEAKER_01
Of course.
2
SPEAKER_01
If you wanna be happier, if you want to be happier, just get off the internet.
2
SPEAKER_01
Do other... Or at least these apps, these social media apps, which you're wasting your time in.
2
SPEAKER_01
 When it comes to entertainment and dreams, which I totally get, yeah, you have to destroy yourself physically and mentally.
2
SPEAKER_01
If you really, truly want to do it, you have to be a psychopath, man.
2
SPEAKER_01
 Like, all I did was music, music, music, music all the time.
2
SPEAKER_01
I didn't go to parties, I didn't drink, I didn't this.
2
SPEAKER_01
Not to say that you need to drink, but I just, I didn't have, I didn't get drunk till I was 26, which is great.
2
SPEAKER_01
I mean, that's really cool.
2
SPEAKER_01
Maybe I was 25, but it's like, that was my path, but it's just like,
2
SPEAKER_01
 And I'm glad I did it, but what I'm saying is there's just certain things that I missed out on, opportunities, experiences, this, that.
2
SPEAKER_01
You have to be willing to do that.
2
SPEAKER_01
And you have to be on social media all the time.
2
SPEAKER_01
Now that's a real thing.
2
SPEAKER_01
If you wanna blow up and you wanna make it and you wanna utilize this device to your advantage, you have to basically sacrifice your 20s.
2
SPEAKER_01
Here's a big thing, okay?
2
SPEAKER_01
 If you are doing something where you truly do need education, of course, go, get your diploma, do your thing.
2
SPEAKER_01
But if you're starting up a business, college, straight up, I'm gonna tell you that, you don't need it.
2
SPEAKER_01
This formal education is such bullshit, because you could be taking time and educating yourself, going out, getting in the field, whether you're interning, you're this, you're that, and making it happen.
2
SPEAKER_01
Because it's like, okay, here's another thing, okay, cool, you get,
2
SPEAKER_01
 your diploma, and then you go to some place that you want to work at, but then they tell you, oh, you need three years experience.
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, how the fuck am I going to get three years experience if I'm out of college and I just got a degree to do this thing?
2
SPEAKER_01
So it's like you have to make it your everything, and most people can't actually do that.
2
SPEAKER_01
 And I wouldn't take it back, though.
2
SPEAKER_01
My 20s were the most, my 20s were harder than my childhood.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like, easily.
2
SPEAKER_01
And it was more so mentally and just what I had to deal with physically and going on tour and just, I mean, relationships, forget about it.
2
SPEAKER_01
It was so, dude, grinding.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like, literally, it was the hardest thing in the world.
2
SPEAKER_01
But now here I am, and it's like, dude, I'm 31, and you said it yourself, like, yeah, I can do whatever I want.
2
SPEAKER_01
And that,
2
SPEAKER_01
 It's kind of weird to say, it's a really weird thing, but like, bro, I earned it.
2
SPEAKER_01
And that's not me trying to sound arrogant, like I earned it, dude.
2
SPEAKER_01
I remember being alone in very dark places in hotel rooms, and I got through it somehow, and I'm so glad I did.
2
SPEAKER_01
I earned it.
2
SPEAKER_01
So that's what anyone listening now has to do.
2
SPEAKER_01
They have to earn it, and they have to be prepared.
2
SPEAKER_01
I would say get therapy, get a therapist, and try to find balance as best as you can.
2
SPEAKER_01
 But when it comes to dreams, there really is no balance.
2
SPEAKER_01
It's kind of just 100% this thing constantly until you reach a peak.
2
SPEAKER_01
Because there is a, my biggest thing was like, okay, how many number ones can you have?
2
SPEAKER_01
How many this, how many that, da-da-da.
2
SPEAKER_01
I was in this hamster wheel.
2
SPEAKER_01
And for so long I had these goals and had these goals and had these goals, and then I just, I had no more goals.
2
SPEAKER_01
I mean, my only real, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
 Exactly so like the only real thing that I haven't done yet is won a Grammy, but like who gives it and
2
SPEAKER_01
 Realized that that's just a glorified pat on the back So that's not even really a goal to have a bunch of people in a committee who don't even really understand me or my music Tell me you know why it's worth something or not or this or that and that's not me saying that is like well You don't have a Grammy like you sound salty like no, this is me realizing like that doesn't matter I'm not gonna kill myself for years and years to try to get a Grammy So with all that
2
SPEAKER_00
 Yeah, I mean, balance, focus, and just... Would there have been a ritual that you would have added in the last decade, knowing what you went through, knowing the loneliness, the darkness, would there have been like, you know what, every week I'm going to talk to a therapist for my 20s, or every week I'm going to get...
2
SPEAKER_00
 seven hours of sleep a night.
2
SPEAKER_00
Would there have been anything you would have tried to shift that could have been like, you know what, I'm going to get off the internet for one day a week and just sit in nature.
2
SPEAKER_00
What could you have done in an ideal world?
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, you just said it.
2
SPEAKER_01
You said it all.
2
SPEAKER_01
All of that would have been amazing.
2
SPEAKER_01
 But there's just no way you could've told this guy that, man.
2
SPEAKER_01
There's just no way.
2
SPEAKER_01
I'm gonna get off the internet.
2
SPEAKER_01
If I'm off the internet for one day, that's followers.
2
SPEAKER_01
I'm in my head, followers that I'm not getting, or fans that aren't gonna come to a city, or this, or da-da-da-da-da.
2
SPEAKER_01
And in many ways, it's true.
2
SPEAKER_01
So that's why it's like, you have to be willing.
2
SPEAKER_01
Me, I wanted ultimate success.
2
SPEAKER_01
I wanted the biggest success you could have, and I got it.
2
SPEAKER_01
 I did it, and the reason I did that is because I sacrificed everything to get it.
2
SPEAKER_01
Now, I don't think that's healthy.
2
SPEAKER_01
 But once again, in retrospect, personally, I am glad I did it.
2
SPEAKER_01
But I also somehow, common sense and God, just like when I was a kid, made it out the other side of all of this and realized my self-worth and that I don't need to do this and all these other things.
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SPEAKER_01
I did, I did need to do that, not for self-worth, but to build a brand and a fan base around the world where I could tour for the rest of my life if I want and be financially okay.
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SPEAKER_01
I had to do that.
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SPEAKER_01
And now I'm just at a place where I'm like,
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SPEAKER_01
 Okay, I could continue to do that.
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SPEAKER_01
I could keep having $30 million years, or I could have a couple million dollar years.
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SPEAKER_01
And what is that?
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SPEAKER_01
It doesn't really change my quality of life.
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SPEAKER_01
And you know what is even more important, is I can do the thing my parents did, and I can spend time with my child, and I can be a good dad.
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SPEAKER_01
And that's what's more important to me now.
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SPEAKER_00
 You grew up in a poor household, and my audience is really curious about optimizing their life in many different ways, their health, their mindset, their spirituality, their relationships, and financially.
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SPEAKER_00
And you grew up in this poor household.
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SPEAKER_00
What was your mindset around money growing up, and how did you shift your mindset at some point to really start building wealth, manifesting and attracting money, and also not blow it?
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SPEAKER_00
 You're not just like spend it all and be like broke, you know, two years later.
2
SPEAKER_01
Wow, okay.
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SPEAKER_01
So I don't even remember ever seeing money in the household.
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SPEAKER_01
I remember when food stamps weren't on a card, on an EBT card, and they were actual food stamps that looked like Monopoly money.
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SPEAKER_01
I knew nothing of money.
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SPEAKER_01
I knew no concept of saving it, what that meant.
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SPEAKER_01
I mean, we had just enough to get by, like literally.
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SPEAKER_00
Day by day, yeah.
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SPEAKER_01
 Yeah, for real.
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SPEAKER_01
And it's like the first of the month, like that Bone Thug song, wake up, wake up, wake up.
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SPEAKER_01
It's the first of the month.
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SPEAKER_01
It's like, yeah, food stands, we eating chicken tonight.
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SPEAKER_01
And then by the end of the month, it's powdered milk and shits and like gross gizzards and shit.
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SPEAKER_01
And so, yeah, for real.
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SPEAKER_01
So, um, I never understood that.
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SPEAKER_01
I never got that.
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SPEAKER_01
I never knew any of what that meant.
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SPEAKER_01
I think that the, uh,
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SPEAKER_01
 Understanding fund fundamentally like how to use and utilize money and save money didn't come till I was 17 and I got two jobs So I left home at 17 I got two jobs.
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SPEAKER_01
I worked at a flower shop and I worked at Jiffy Lube and I'm making like 750 and This is Maryland, yeah, yeah, so it's like a suburb of DC and I
2
SPEAKER_01
 There's no, you can't save anything.
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SPEAKER_01
Yeah, exactly.
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SPEAKER_01
You can't really save anything.
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SPEAKER_01
So I'm enjoying like a Kenny's Chinese chicken and like that, like, like I'm enjoying it, you know, starving Marvin subs and maybe an occasional video game or something like that.
2
SPEAKER_01
But for the most part, that was it.
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SPEAKER_01
 It wasn't until I really, so I signed my deal with Def Jam in 2012 and I went from having like $12 in my bank account to $175,000 overnight.
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SPEAKER_01
The first thing I did was I went to Taco Bell because that was like Ruth Chris of luxury.
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SPEAKER_01
 Yeah, so I'm like, here we go.
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SPEAKER_01
And I bought my homies, you know, some some stuff I got my producers and I got my, my videographer, a new camera, I hooked up my mom's, my homies mom's car that we used to drive all around because it was broken down.
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SPEAKER_01
But besides that, I saved every every dime.
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SPEAKER_01
 that I had and I put it into myself and in my craft.
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SPEAKER_01
And then I moved to LA and I was paying rent and we were staying kind of in the hills, but it was like, yeah, it was an all right house.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I did all that and then I went on tour and I literally like, it was just investing my money in myself.
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SPEAKER_01
So I would like, I would pay for the merchandise, we'd haul it around in trash bags, we'd go to these, do these shows,
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SPEAKER_01
 I'm selling these tickets, things are going good.
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SPEAKER_01
I'm making my money back, making a bit of a profit.
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SPEAKER_01
And then I remember for the big tour, we needed a tour bus.
2
SPEAKER_01
And this was for my debut album Under Pressure in 2014.
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SPEAKER_01
And by the time I fronted all the money, I only had $1,200 in my bank account.
2
SPEAKER_01
So it's like, I'm just like, I made it, my album's out, but there's always something else that you don't really realize.
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SPEAKER_01
 That was crazy, but I made my money and then I did good.
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SPEAKER_01
And I remember getting my first million dollar check from a merchandise company, which is crazy because we were selling such merch and such good merch and things were going well, well, well.
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SPEAKER_01
And then even when I had that $30 million a year,
2
SPEAKER_01
 like people were like, invest your money, make your money, make money for you.
2
SPEAKER_01
And it's not until now, you know, recently that I've actually started, you know, investing certain things like crypto and whatever.
2
SPEAKER_01
And, but I'm still like that poor kid.
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SPEAKER_01
That's like, no, mine, right?
2
SPEAKER_01
Like if it's, if it's in this account, if it's in this account, it's not going anywhere.
2
SPEAKER_01
So like, no, like no, but you know, I, I, I'm at a place now where I want my money to make me money.
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SPEAKER_01
So I think it's trial and error.
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SPEAKER_01
 And once again, God and common sense, something, don't get me wrong, man.
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SPEAKER_01
I've had some fun, man.
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SPEAKER_01
I went to, I went to Vegas and blew 120 grand.
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SPEAKER_01
Oh, like I knew I was going to lose it.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I, and people were like, you're crazy.
2
SPEAKER_01
You're crazy.
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SPEAKER_01
You're just going to, you're going to, you know, you're going to put 40 grand on red.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I'm like, yep.
2
SPEAKER_01
 and then I made 80 and then I lost it, and then I'm back and forth.
2
SPEAKER_01
Because for me, as insane as it was, it's like, this made up for every Christmas I didn't have, every birthday gift I didn't get.
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SPEAKER_01
Like, I'm having a blast.
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SPEAKER_01
I am paying $120,000 right now to have the best fucking time in the world.
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SPEAKER_01
And I don't do this all, it's not like I do this all the time.
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SPEAKER_01
It was like, I only ever did it the one time.
2
SPEAKER_01
You know, I bought a Bronco for a quarter million dollars.
2
SPEAKER_01
I bought a bunch of nerd shit, you know, guitars, things like that.
2
SPEAKER_01
 Yeah, for sure.
2
SPEAKER_01
But at the end of the day, it's like, yeah, dude, like I did, I saved my money.
2
SPEAKER_01
And, and that's because I never got into it, like, isn't posing boats.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I wasn't like rap is gonna be this thing.
2
SPEAKER_00
I was like, No, I'm going to utilize it and realize that this is a business and spend spend my money where it should be for young artists, entrepreneur, athletes, anyone who's building their thing, whatever that thing is.
2
SPEAKER_00
 What would you say are the three greatest investments they should be making once they start making a little bit of money?
2
SPEAKER_00
More than day by day, but it's like, okay, I've got an extra $1,000 or $5,000 a month.
2
SPEAKER_00
That's a lot of money for younger people, but I've got some extra cash.
2
SPEAKER_00
What should I invest in?
2
SPEAKER_00
Three things that they should be investing in, whether it's backing themselves, whether it's in their merch or their products,
2
SPEAKER_00
 You know, if hiring a coach, whatever it is, a trainer, a therapist, like what would you say to those three things they should be investing in at an earlier age?
2
SPEAKER_01
I feel like if they're making pretty decent money, they're already investing in themselves.
2
SPEAKER_01
They're being smart enough to know that whatever their brand is or their sport or
2
SPEAKER_01
 their career, they are spending that money to make sure that they can do it well, whether they're in the gym and they're getting pre-workout powder.
2
SPEAKER_01
So they are already spending their money where it needs to be.
2
SPEAKER_01
It's funny, because like I said, I'm the guy that was like, mine.
2
SPEAKER_01
 So I was just saving my money.
2
SPEAKER_01
So number one, I would say like save your money, like for sure, but put it in a savings account that's gonna at least, you know.
2
SPEAKER_01
Make a little bit.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, compound interest and all this other stuff.
2
SPEAKER_01
So that's number one.
2
SPEAKER_01
Number two, have fun.
2
SPEAKER_01
I didn't have fun.
2
SPEAKER_01
I didn't have fun at all.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I wish I did.
2
SPEAKER_01
I wish I had a little more fun.
2
SPEAKER_01
Nothing crazy, but like that's one regret I do have is that I was so focused
2
SPEAKER_01
 that I didn't really even just have, like, dude, I would go on trips with, it'd be like, oh yeah, we're gonna go to Big Bear, man, and I'd be like, all right, I guess I'll go, because it's like my best friend's birthday, so I'm like, okay, but like, as soon as I get there, as soon as I get there, I got the laptop and the microphone set up, and like, I'm like still recording and working, like, I wish, I guess what I'm saying is for a day or a weekend or whatever that I would have,
2
SPEAKER_01
 at least just enjoyed those precious moments with family, because they are my family.
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SPEAKER_01
I don't really have family, so that was family, and it's like, oh man.
2
SPEAKER_01
But low-key, it's like my best friend's my producer, so it's his birthday, and he's like, yeah, and he's making beats with me.
2
SPEAKER_01
 He's just doing it drunker than usual.
2
SPEAKER_01
So that's another thing.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then third, I don't know.
2
SPEAKER_01
I'm not sure.
2
SPEAKER_00
No worries.
2
SPEAKER_00
What do you think are the biggest lies around success that you wish people understood more?
2
SPEAKER_00
Because you've accomplished pretty much every goal there is for yourself.
2
SPEAKER_00
Made the money, all the platinum, all this stuff.
2
SPEAKER_00
What's the biggest lies around success you wish people understood more?
2
SPEAKER_01
 Well, one, it's all fleeting.
2
SPEAKER_01
So one, the biggest cliche, money doesn't make you happiness.
2
SPEAKER_01
Success can't make you like it's just so true.
2
SPEAKER_01
But at the same time, it's a bit of a double edged sword because.
2
SPEAKER_01
We all want to feel.
2
SPEAKER_01
Worthy, we all want to feel accomplished and you have to.
2
SPEAKER_01
You know, like I want to be the best dad in the world, but as as good of a father as I want to be, I still have my own dreams.
2
SPEAKER_01
 And if I don't chase those dreams and follow those dreams, even very responsibly, to make sure that I'm making time, I'm not gonna be happy.
2
SPEAKER_01
And if I'm not happy, I'm not gonna be a good dad.
2
SPEAKER_01
 So, I would tell people, I mean, the biggest thing is just do it because you love it.
2
SPEAKER_01
If your goal or motivation is money and success, you're not going to be happy.
2
SPEAKER_01
You'll be successful, but you won't necessarily be happy.
2
SPEAKER_01
So, with music, my goal, for sure, I was like, I do want to make a bunch of money.
2
SPEAKER_01
I do want to be really famous.
2
SPEAKER_01
I do want this.
2
SPEAKER_01
 But none of that mattered when I was writing my raps.
2
SPEAKER_01
None of that mattered when I was making beats.
2
SPEAKER_01
When I was actually in the studio with my friends, all that mattered is that we were creating something genuine from our heart.
2
SPEAKER_01
We were having fun.
2
SPEAKER_01
We were making the music we liked and loved.
2
SPEAKER_01
So whether it's a sport you love to play, don't just be like, oh, I'm gonna be the best running back.
2
SPEAKER_01
Or, you know, I don't know about sports.
2
SPEAKER_01
I'm gonna be honest, I'm watching anime.
2
SPEAKER_01
But whatever that is, it's like,
2
SPEAKER_01
 Cool, but like, do you love the game?
2
SPEAKER_01
Is it just something that your dad like drilled you to do and you're like one of the baller brothers or whatever, you know?
2
SPEAKER_01
Do you love it?
2
SPEAKER_01
I mean, I'm not hating, maybe they love it.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don't know, but I'm just, you know, it's like Joe Jackson.
2
SPEAKER_01
It's like, do you really actually love this thing?
2
SPEAKER_01
So make sure.
2
SPEAKER_01
 whatever it is you enjoy it and honestly you could enjoy making money like that's a real thing you could be like i'm gonna start an investment company and i'm gonna this and like it gets me excited i'm gonna make people their money and make money from their money and that like for sure like you can do that
2
SPEAKER_01
 But just know at the end of the day, okay, you got that money, now what?
2
SPEAKER_01
When somebody's like, hey, what do you like to do?
2
SPEAKER_01
And you're like, oh, make money?
2
SPEAKER_01
Like, come on, get the out of here.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like, you're gonna sit down at a date.
2
SPEAKER_01
Cool, yeah, you got the bread, you can take her to the, you know, him or her to the nice restaurant.
2
SPEAKER_01
 But then what fool?
2
SPEAKER_01
Like, do you like golf?
2
SPEAKER_01
Like, what do you do?
2
SPEAKER_01
You know, you want to go drive go karts like life is so much more than just this thing.
2
SPEAKER_00
I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness.
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SPEAKER_00
Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links.
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SPEAKER_00
 And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our greatness plus channel exclusively on Apple podcasts.
2
SPEAKER_00
Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple podcasts as well.
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SPEAKER_00
Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review.
2
SPEAKER_00
I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward.
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SPEAKER_00
 And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately, that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.
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SPEAKER_00
And now it's time to go out there and do something great.