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 First of all, I will never work in a relationship.
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And I don't think anybody should work in a relationship.
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I think if you're working in a relationship, something is not clicking.
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Something is not right.
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 Bye.
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Welcome to the School of Greatness.
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My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur.
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And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness.
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Thanks for spending some time with me today.
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Now let the class begin.
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 Welcome to this special masterclass.
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We brought some of the top experts in the world to help you unlock the power of your life through this specific theme today.
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It's going to be powerful.
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So let's go ahead and dive in.
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 I have a couple theories about relationships that I think are really important, and I use the same exact principles with my life.
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First of all, I will never work in a relationship, and I don't think anybody should work in a relationship.
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I think if you're working in a relationship, something is not clicking.
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Something is not right.
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But if you bring your best,
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 and the person that you're with brings their best, and you celebrate your life together, then there's constructive interference, there's growth, there's energy.
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 If you're not at your best and you show up, more than likely you're going to pick someone or something apart.
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And it's better that you remove yourself for a period of time and get back into your heart and present yourself at your best.
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And so if you're not there and you need a mirror or a reflection,
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 Then it's good to ask, am I missing something?
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Am I not seeing myself in some way?
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And then there's a healthy conversation when you invite it.
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But if you're not invited to contribute your opinion, then it's better off that you don't, right?
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So people always say, I want a loving relationship, but what they really want is happiness, really.
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 So, we do these meditations to create love in our lives, and it could be love in familial relationships with your siblings, it could be with your parents, it could be with your friends, or it could be with a significant other.
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And so, if thoughts are the electrical charge in the quantum field,
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 And feelings are the magnetic charge in the quantum field.
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And how you think and how you feel broadcasts an electromagnetic signature that influences every single atom in your life.
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The thought sends a signal out.
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 And the feeling is the magnetic field that draws the event back to you.
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So if you're not in a place where you're in love with life, or in love with yourself, or practicing diminishing your emotional reactions to certain people or conditions in your life, and you're living in anger or hostility or judgment or fear, and you want a loving relationship,
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 there is no magnetic field for you to draw that to you.
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And in fact, if you say to me, well, it's that person or that circumstance that's caused me to feel this way, then I would say, I mean, that person or that circumstance is controlling the way you feel and the way you think.
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And anything that controls the way we feel and the way we think, we are victims to, right?
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So most people are unconsciously responding
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 to the conditions in their environment, experiencing emotions that are derived from the hormones of stress.
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Those emotions cause us to feel separate from our dreams.
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They heighten our senses, so if we can't see them, it doesn't exist.
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The threat or the danger puts us in emergency mode.
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 And we can think positively about the relationship we want.
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We could send the signal out into the field.
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We could have pictures.
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We could remind ourselves of what it is.
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But if you're not drawing the experience back to you because your response to the environment
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 is actually weakening your organism.
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It's weakening your response.
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It's actually weakening the body.
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Then you will be, as a victim, more vulnerable to the conditions in your environment, whether they're large or small.
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And I'm talking about microorganisms as well.
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So if you wanted a true relationship where it was fundamentally based on this concept called love.
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Now let's talk about that because we practice this a lot in the work that we do.
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 If you could truly begin to practice trading those survival emotions every day for elevated emotions, and you practiced opening your heart, it's a skill that has to take place where you move out of survival.
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So people say, well, I can't open my heart.
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I can't feel love.
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And I say, well, what do you practice feeling?
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 Because whatever you practice feeling, you're feeling most of the time.
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And that feeling could be guilt, but you're so used to it, you wouldn't even know it's guilt.
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It just feels like you.
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Are most people practicing a feeling or are they just reacting to how they feel?
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Well, they're reacting to their external environment.
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What's happening?
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 Or they're reacting to some stray thought in their mind, and every thought produces a chemical.
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So if they have an unhappy thought, they feel unhappy.
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If they have a judgmental thought, it produces chemicals that makes you feel polarized, right?
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So how much does one thought change your chemical body?
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Oh, that's an interesting question.
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So let's just put this on hold here.
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So the stronger the emotions that we feel,
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 from the problems and conditions in our life.
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The more altered we feel inside of us, the more we pay attention to what's causing it outside of us.
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So if you have an event in your life, an experience in your life that has a strong emotional charge to it, and you don't feel like your normal self, you feel this alarm system switch on, you're gonna narrow your focus on the cause, and the brain's gonna take a snapshot, and that's called a long-term memory, right?
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So then what people don't know is that every time they think about
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 that event.
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They're producing the same chemistry in their brain and body as if the event was occurring.
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In that moment.
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In that moment.
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So the highly charged event is actually producing the emotion and the body is so objective that it doesn't know the difference between the real experience that's creating the emotion
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 and the emotion that the person is fabricating by thought alone, the body's believing.
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It's so objective, it's believing it's in the same environmental experience.
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So the strong, the highly charged emotional events, some people think of their ex and the thought of that person.
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Makes them sick.
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Makes them feel out of balance.
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One image, one thought in their mind makes them feel out of balance.
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So all you need is an image.
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 and an emotion, a thought and a feeling, a stimulus and a response, and you're conditioning your body emotionally into the past.
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So now, the memory's just not in the brain now.
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It's in the body.
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So now, that thought of that person is actually creating a response in the body that's consuming the body's energy
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 for growth and repair, consuming the body's energy to create, because in survival, it's not a time to create.
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In survival, it's time to run, fight, and hide.
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So the problem is that it becomes a subconscious program.
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It's no longer a conscious process.
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It now is a subconscious process.
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So now the body has been conditioned into resentment,
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 into unhappiness, into fear, anxiety, whatever it is.
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And so this is back to our concept of bringing love into your life.
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So you say to that person, okay, you open your heart, and they're gonna say, are you kidding me?
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I was injured, I was hurt, I'm not gonna do that.
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Let me see your cards first, right?
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And once I see your cards, then I'll open up a little bit.
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So we protect this, right?
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So now in that state of survival,
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 The research shows that the long-term effects of those stress hormones are pushing the genetic buttons that are creating disease.
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The body can't live in emergency mode for that period of time.
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So, in a sense, the person is making themselves sick by thought alone.
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Their thoughts are making them sick, literally.
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 The problem is, is now the body is conditioned into the past and it's the mind.
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Now once the body... The body is the mind?
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The body becomes the mind emotionally.
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So now all of this energy is stored in the body and now the person now has to leave their unhappiness
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 and step out into the unknown.
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They have to get out of the familiar feelings that has defined them.
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So they'll say, I can't really feel joy.
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I can't really feel love.
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And what they're really saying is, I've been conditioning my body emotionally so much into the past that I can't feel anything else other than what I know.
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Anger, resentment, pain, suffering.
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Yeah, psychology calls those normal human states of consciousness.
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Those are altered states of consciousness.
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 So normal states of consciousness are these kind of negative feelings?
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No, I'm saying that those states of survival, people say anger, fear, those are normal things.
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No, those are in survival.
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Those are altered states.
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The survival chemicals are actually knocking your brain and body out of balance.
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You're out of balance in that moment.
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And if you keep doing that, the imbalance is now the new balance.
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And now you're altered emotionally.
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So back to the concept of love.
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 So the person can theoretically, intellectually, philosophically say, oh, I want this type of person.
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She's gotta be this way.
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He's gotta look this way.
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He's gotta be like this.
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And they're basically saying, I want something that represents all the things that I no longer want, right?
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And so they're creating with their brain and mind, which is perfect.
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The problem is, is that if you can't feel the emotion of your future,
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 your manifestation of love before it's made manifest.
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Like people say, well, when my relationship happens, when I find Mr. Right, then I'm going to feel love.
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Waiting for the outer environment to change.
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 to take away this feeling of anger, resentment, emptiness, but they forgot that they create reality.
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In other words, when it finally appears that I'm going to feel love, that's cause and effect.
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We're waiting for something to happen.
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If you're feeling the lack and the emptiness, then you're keeping your relationship at arm's length because you don't have the magnetic field to draw to you.
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 The emotions that come from these energy centers, the lower energy centers in our body, do have frequencies, there's chemistry involved, but they have a different agenda.
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So now, we ask the person, can you teach your body emotionally?
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 what the future will feel like before it's made manifest.
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That means you can't wait for your relationship to feel love.
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You have to reverse that battleship and understand feeling love is going to be the magnet.
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And if you can hold the vision of your future, a clear intention, with a coherent brain, organize signals into the field, and you could actually crack this thing open and practice
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 getting so present in the moment that you're not anticipating the next moment or trying to predict the future, and you're no longer romancing the emotions of your past, you can find that sweet spot of the generous present moment.
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The familiar past is the known, emotionally.
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The predictable future is the habituation of autopilot, being unconscious, and programs.
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Those are both knowns.
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There's only one place where the unknown exists.
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That's the present moment.
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So if you could work with your body
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 to the point that it trusts you enough to feel so safe that you have conquered it in a certain way that it could actually relax into the present moment.
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And it's not worried about what's gonna happen next or what's going on around you or that you need to eat, you need to pee, you need to move.
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You got beyond all your drives and you're ready to create.
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That moment where you're present, if you could begin to work with your heart
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 and start to breathe and start to practice feeling love.
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In the beginning, it would feel foolish or gratitude.
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Why would I feel love if it hasn't happened?
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Well, that's because you've been hypnotized into waiting for your world to change to feel the emotion from the experience.
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But according to the quantum model, your emotion ahead of the experience, when you combine that clear intention with the elevated emotion, and you feel love, your body's so objective
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 that it's actually believing, it's living in that future in the present moment, and your body now is beginning to change.
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You are beginning to change your biology to reflect.
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 what you're about to experience in your future.
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So the stronger the love you feel, the more altered you feel inside of you, the more you're going to pay attention to that picture in your mind.
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Stimulus, response, memory, emotion, thought and feeling.
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But now you're remembering your future.
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 instead of remembering your past.
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And biologically, it's actually the same.
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Remembering your future as opposed to remembering your past.
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Right, it's the same thing biologically.
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The body experiences the same way by thinking and imagining something that hasn't happened yet, but it will happen, and imagining something vividly from the past that happened.
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Sometimes our brains trick ourselves into thinking it happened a different way, doesn't it?
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Yeah, but that's incidental.
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It's none of your business how it happened.
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 It's how I interpret it.
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Exactly.
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It's your perception, right?
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So then the stronger the emotion you feel from some outer experience in your life, the more altered you feel, the more the brain freezes the frame and takes a snapshot.
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Well, now you're freezing a frame in the outer environment.
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But if you're truly in the present moment and you know exactly what you want, and you begin to teach your body emotion, start practicing opening that heart, it's amazing what happens.
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The moment that heart begins to open,
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 We've measured this so many times, Lewis, on a scan, on a real-time brain scan.
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When the heart moves into this kind of rhythm, when you're feeling frustration, when you're feeling impatient, when you're feeling resentment, you are stepping on the gas pedal and you're stepping on the brake at the same time and the heart is pumping.
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 against a closed system and it causes an erratic beat.
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It becomes incoherent.
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And energy literally leaves the heart.
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Now, you no longer believe in your future.
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You can't put your heart into your future.
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You can't trust the outcome because there's no energy there.
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It's being used and consumed somewhere else.
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So energy is leaving the brain as well.
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 But once energy starts to move into the heart, we've seen this so many times, and it starts to beat in this rhythm, like banging a drum, or dropping a pebble in water, pebble after pebble.
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The heart begins to create a wave of energy right to the brain, like taking a big sheet
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 and going like that, and then all of a sudden you see this wave, and the brain gets this rush of energy, and that change in brain wave patterns, that change, that wave is carrying information, and the person starts to get a very clear idea.
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 They see their future very clearly.
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Now that energy is causing them to move into very coherent alpha brainwave patterns, which is the state of creation.
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This is when you no longer hear the voice in your head that's talking to you that you listen to and believe is the truth.
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I'm not good enough.
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Yeah, whatever that is.
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That's called the default mode.
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It suppresses the default mode network, and the next thing you know,
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 You start seeing in pictures and images.
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You start dreaming.
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And that's the imagination.
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That's the creative state.
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So now you start naturally imagining the heart is the creative center.
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We got to put our heart into our future.
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It better be open and activated.
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So now when you start falling in love with your future,
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 Oxytocin is released in the brain and in the heart.
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Oxytocin signals nitric oxide.
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Nitric oxide signals another chemical called endothelial-derived relaxing factor.
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And just like when your sexual organs get filled with blood because you're aroused, the same thing happens here as it would happen somewhere else.
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And literally, the arteries in the heart and lungs engorge.
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And now your heart feels full, and it's thumping in order, and you're?
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 in the present moment.
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Now once that happens, and it's beating in rhythm, the heart produces an external magnetic field up to three meters wide.
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Now, in survival, you're drawing from the field and turning into chemistry.
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When you get energy in the heart, it's causing a change in the brain, and all of a sudden it's resetting the baseline for trauma, and now here you have a magnetic field.
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Now the heart
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 is your magnet.
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It is the center of creation.
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And now that energy is frequency.
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And frequency carries information.
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And you can lay the thought of your new relationship on that energy because it's consistent with it.
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You cannot lay the thought of your new relationship in need.
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That's a different energy.
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What do you mean in need?
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I'm needing someone to love me, a partner.
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Of course, that's a different frequency.
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That's a different energy.
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 What happens when you're in a need state as opposed to an attraction state?
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Well, you're in lack.
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So now you're trying, you're grasping, you're controlling, you're forcing, you're trying to predict, you're overthinking, overanalyzing, and that's how people live their relationships.
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So then if you are going to prepare your brain and body
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 for a new relationship, then you would have to become love completely every day.
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And that signal then, that you're sending out into the field, can carry the thought of your health, your wealth, your relationship, or whatever.
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But here's the cool part.
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When the heart is activated like that, and you feel so whole, so in love with life, so satisfied in the moment, so exuberant, that it's impossible to want,
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 Now you're no longer in lack.
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Now you're so whole that you will magnetize wholeness in your life.
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The person who's the person that fits the mold energetically, that would be the same as you and yet complement you so that the two can become one, right?
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And then...
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 Instead of in contrast, in union you exchange information equal to that emotional state.
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In other words, people use each other to reaffirm their dependence on certain emotions.
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You have certain people you complain with about politics or whatever, they complain back about their lives and you use each other to reaffirm, you know, some type of
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 Belief about life, emotionally.
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You have emotional agreements on things.
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Well, that emotion is energy, and energy is frequency, and frequency carries information, so you share the same energy, you share the same information, but that's what people do in their lives, but now in a true loving relationship.
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 When you're truly in your heart, then the question is, what would love do in the relationship?
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And when your heart is open, it's no longer about you.
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It's about how I feel so amazing with you.
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I feel even more amazing.
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But without you, I'm still whole.
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And so now I'm no longer in need or lack.
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 and so now when we get together and our fields interfere when they start interfering now the amplitude gets way higher there's way more energy and now i mean i'm i'm all about all seven centers of the body lining up all of them and we're here in a body let's enjoy it all but come from love and so now your heart is so open
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 that you can't do anything else but give.
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You feel so amazing.
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You're so happy with yourself, so happy with your life, so happy with what you have.
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You want other people to feel the same way.
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And you say, here, take that.
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And when you give now, guess what happens?
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You release more oxytocin, more nitric oxide, and more of those chemicals that cause the heart to swell even more.
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Then all of a sudden, your immune system gets stronger.
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And all of a sudden, your body starts feeling better.
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You start having more energy.
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 and now the constructive interference between two people that are coming together in wholeness and no longer dependence or lack or separation or need is a different game.
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What's your definition of chemistry, connection and compatibility?
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 All right, so, chemistry to me is the art of getting along flowing with each other, all right.
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Chemistry can be created, it can be destroyed.
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Think about it from a team sports perspective.
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You can put players together and they have to build team chemistry.
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So, through repetition, through practice, they can get to a point of having chemistry.
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Yes, some people have instant chemistry, all right.
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 But just as it was instant, it can also be broken.
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Instantly.
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Exactly, you know.
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We can start to not get along and not flow with each other very easily.
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Things can get in the way and again, this happens even in team sports or even in the corporate arena where you have team building exercises but then things happen that destroy the structure of the business.
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Absolutely, so, that's chemistry.
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That's chemistry.
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How important is chemistry?
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 it is still very important.
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It is not the most important and I say that to mean chemistry has to be in every relationship for it to work and flourish.
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 but it does not set the stage for everything else, all right.
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Connection sets the stage for everything else.
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So, basically, if you have connection, you will be able to have chemistry and compatibility.
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But now, let's talk about compatibility.
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I believe compatibility is a very logic-based structure of putting two people together.
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 it's also about we're compatible in the sense that we share values, all right.
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So, again, you can meet someone that you are quote unquote compatible with.
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You guys share similar values, you guys come from even maybe the same kind of cultures.
0
SPEAKER_00
There can be a lot of things that make you guys compatible on paper.
0
SPEAKER_00
But what is real compatibility?
0
SPEAKER_00
 Well, to me that is real compatibility so to speak is that yes, you guys on paper are a good fit, all right.
0
SPEAKER_00
And you guys should work.
0
SPEAKER_00
But again, without connection it won't matter.
0
SPEAKER_00
So, I would argue that a lot of marriages let's even talk about arranged marriages.
0
SPEAKER_00
Some of them were built on compatibility.
0
SPEAKER_00
Well, this person came from the right family so we like this, they have a good job, they have a good education, they would be a good fit here.
0
SPEAKER_00
They share the same values.
0
SPEAKER_00
 But when those two people are really alone with each other it doesn't always hit.
0
SPEAKER_00
Which is why if you go on an online dating site it can match two people together that are compatible on paper.
0
SPEAKER_00
Interesting.
0
SPEAKER_00
But in person it doesn't always play out the same.
0
SPEAKER_00
Because what is missing?
0
SPEAKER_00
The chemistry or more importantly the connection.
0
SPEAKER_01
And sometimes we might be tricked.
0
SPEAKER_01
Oh, we feel the spark of chemistry
0
SPEAKER_01
 but you may not have connection, is that true?
0
SPEAKER_00
Absolutely, absolutely.
0
SPEAKER_01
So you might say, oh, we're compatible on paper, everything, we have the same values, we want the same things for our life and marriage and kids and where our family's gonna be, we have compatibility.
0
SPEAKER_01
We have chemistry, there's some type of spark here.
0
SPEAKER_01
I feel like, ooh, there's a little something down here that makes me feel special.
0
SPEAKER_00
And we get along and we know the flow of each other.
0
SPEAKER_01
Wow, that's amazing.
0
SPEAKER_01
 But you're saying if we can't find true connection or if there isn't connection, can connection be created?
0
SPEAKER_00
No.
0
SPEAKER_00
And so, that's the huge distinction to me with connection.
0
SPEAKER_00
Connection cannot be created nor can it be destroyed.
0
SPEAKER_00
It's either there or it's not.
0
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
0
SPEAKER_00
There's nothing you can do to
0
SPEAKER_00
 build connection.
0
SPEAKER_00
You can build a stronger bond, you can create a stronger attachment to each other, but that still doesn't mean connection is there.
0
SPEAKER_00
And you see this play out in situations where you have people who could meet each other right now, have this amazing connection.
0
SPEAKER_00
Something happens where they fall apart, they come back together years later, 10, 20 years later and it's like they never stop talking.
0
SPEAKER_00
 it just falls right back into place.
0
SPEAKER_00
It's connection.
0
SPEAKER_00
It's a deeper thing that's occurring there.
0
SPEAKER_00
To me connection is your spirit recognizing its match.
0
SPEAKER_00
It is something that is happening beneath the surface, all right.
0
SPEAKER_00
Which is why many people who have felt connection you can't always explain it.
0
SPEAKER_00
Connection does not always line up with the logic of compatibility.
0
SPEAKER_00
It's not always oh, well, it makes sense because of this.
0
SPEAKER_00
No, no, no, it's just there.
0
SPEAKER_00
 You just feel something with this person, you feel drawn to them, it's so much deeper than anything you've ever felt.
0
SPEAKER_00
And consider this, you can be compatible with tons of people, you can have chemistry with tons of people, you do not feel connection with a bunch of people.
0
SPEAKER_00
 Period.
0
SPEAKER_00
If we were to survey people who have felt a connection in their life you'd be lucky to find many who can say two times.
0
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
0
SPEAKER_00
The majority will say it's a one-time occurrence that has happened to them, all right.
0
SPEAKER_00
And being able to have that again it's very difficult.
0
SPEAKER_00
Now, I don't want anyone listening to be discouraged if they did not end up with the person they had a connection with.
0
SPEAKER_00
I'm not saying it's impossible for it to happen a second time.
0
SPEAKER_00
But I will say that if you survey people
0
SPEAKER_00
 you would have a hard time finding that many people that said it happened twice.
0
SPEAKER_01
 When does someone know it's connection and not chemistry?
0
SPEAKER_01
Because I feel like you might be tricked.
0
SPEAKER_01
We have this incredible connection.
0
SPEAKER_01
We understand each other.
0
SPEAKER_01
We get each other.
0
SPEAKER_01
I can't explain it, but I feel something.
0
SPEAKER_01
That feeling might be also chemistry at the same time, right?
0
SPEAKER_01
It might be masking if it's really connection or chemistry.
0
SPEAKER_01
How do you know if it's true connection over, man, there's this desire, connection, attraction, all these things happening at once?
0
SPEAKER_00
 One, can you truly be yourself with this person?
0
SPEAKER_00
All right.
0
SPEAKER_00
Because again, a lot of people they go on these dates they're bringing their representative and the chemistry happens on a surface level with the representatives that both sides are bringing.
0
SPEAKER_00
But when you actually show your true self now what happens?
0
SPEAKER_00
 And a lot of people have not done that with their partner or the person that they're getting to know.
0
SPEAKER_00
So, again, you're falling into the hype of the chemistry or the compatibility but you're not discovering true connection being there.
0
SPEAKER_00
So, you've got to be able to be yourself because real connection loves you at the core, all right.
0
SPEAKER_00
You can show me all the parts of you I still want you, all right.
0
SPEAKER_00
Number two is can we enjoy each other with no distractions, all right.
0
SPEAKER_00
 Again, what people fail to understand and this can happen with chemistry is that
0
SPEAKER_00
 we're bonding based off of the activity or the things in our environment.
0
SPEAKER_00
Meaning, all right, we love going out together and we do all these fun stuff and we're doing all these things and that's great, all right.
0
SPEAKER_00
We know how to have fun together.
0
SPEAKER_00
But can we be alone in a room, no TV, no distraction, no phone, just us and still love being with each other?
0
SPEAKER_00
 A lot of people can't say that.
0
SPEAKER_00
A lot of people are only able to be in their relationship and tolerate their partner.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I use that word strongly, tolerate their partner because they have enough distractions in their life.
0
SPEAKER_00
They have kids, they have work, they have all these other things going on.
0
SPEAKER_00
TV, video games, man caves, whatever.
0
SPEAKER_00
Exactly, all these things that pull them away from their partner.
1
SPEAKER_02
 that doesn't allow them to face the fact that no, you really don't like each other at the core, man.
1
SPEAKER_02
And so, that is a huge sign of connection.
1
SPEAKER_02
That's why like one thing I suggested in one of my books was go on a road trip.
1
SPEAKER_02
And it's just a random suggestion but go on a road trip for at least six hours, no phone, no distraction, just you and them talking.
1
SPEAKER_02
 will you still be happy after those six hours?
1
SPEAKER_02
A lot of people can't make it that far in a car ride with their partner, all right.
1
SPEAKER_02
A lot of people cannot be in a room alone with their partner and nothing else to take their attention.
1
SPEAKER_02
So, you've got to really push those boundaries to see what do we really have here if this is really going to be called a connection.
1
SPEAKER_03
Right and your fear is are you able to grow together after 10, 15 years?
1
SPEAKER_03
Is that one of the main things?
1
SPEAKER_03
So, it's...
1
SPEAKER_02
 you know, it's hard to, you know, you never can look that far ahead, you know, and we don't know what's in store.
1
SPEAKER_02
May not be here tomorrow.
1
SPEAKER_02
Exactly.
1
SPEAKER_02
It's a concern of, can we still give that same energy?
1
SPEAKER_02
And it's both sides, because again, I'm not saying, I'm not perfect.
1
SPEAKER_02
So, even though I'm confident that I could do it,
1
SPEAKER_02
 what if there's something that throws me off?
1
SPEAKER_02
You know, it's just that yes, as time goes on there's that test of really putting your best foot and bringing that same energy that you brought in the beginning.
1
SPEAKER_02
Now, again, I think I'm holding myself to a higher standard than I think most people do because I think that a lot of people's mentality is well, things change, things are going to be different, it's okay.
1
SPEAKER_02
So what?
1
SPEAKER_02
You don't go out as much anymore.
1
SPEAKER_02
People think like this but they don't realize that's why your relationship is deteriorating.
1
SPEAKER_02
 I don't want a deteriorated relationship.
1
SPEAKER_02
So, when I think about yes, can I be with someone past 10, 15 years if I accept a level of mediocrity?
1
SPEAKER_02
Of course, but... You don't want that.
1
SPEAKER_02
Exactly, I'm saying can we maintain excellence after these 10, 15 years?
1
SPEAKER_02
Fulfillment, fun, play.
1
SPEAKER_02
Exactly, peace, happiness, joy, all these things.
1
SPEAKER_02
Because to me, what is the point of being here if we don't have it, if we're not operating at our highest level?
1
SPEAKER_03
What about, what about the
1
SPEAKER_03
 Saying that I hear maybe you know the line better than me If he can't accept me at my worst, he doesn't deserve me at my best.
1
SPEAKER_03
I hate that line
1
SPEAKER_02
 I absolutely hate it.
1
SPEAKER_02
And I hate it because it has turned into validation for not addressing your flaws and issues, all right.
1
SPEAKER_02
I agree with it from the standpoint of you've got to be able to handle your partner's worst moments, all right.
1
SPEAKER_02
Because we're going to all have moments, we're going to all fall, we're all going to make a mistake, it's going to happen.
1
SPEAKER_02
Over time that's just the way it is.
1
SPEAKER_02
 But when you are essentially trying to say I have a horrible flaw and you should accept it even when I want to consistently make you deal with it no, that's not going to work for me.
1
SPEAKER_02
I can't accept that, that's not okay.
1
SPEAKER_02
And so, a lot of people that's what they're turning it into.
1
SPEAKER_03
That's you not taking accountability and responsibility for growth.
1
SPEAKER_03
It's going back to okay, this is where I'm at I don't want to address it you just have to accept it and or don't be with me.
1
SPEAKER_02
Exactly.
1
SPEAKER_02
 You know it reminds me of like once upon... I don't know if they still say it but I know at one time people would say arguing is healthy for a relationship, all right.
1
SPEAKER_02
I despise that.
1
SPEAKER_02
I don't know if I agree.
1
SPEAKER_02
I understand that... Yeah, I just don't like that.
1
SPEAKER_03
No, at all.
1
SPEAKER_03
Can you communicate with... We don't agree on this but do you have to argue?
1
SPEAKER_02
Exactly, that's my thing.
1
SPEAKER_02
 Disagreement is acceptable, disrespect is not, all right.
1
SPEAKER_02
So, disagreement is acceptable, disrespect is not, all right.
1
SPEAKER_02
So, my thing is yes, it's okay and even healthy to have disagreements because we have different perspectives, we can bounce ideas off each other, we simply have to know how to navigate that and come to an official decision on things when we have those moments.
1
SPEAKER_02
 But arguing, arguing says we are being disrespectful.
1
SPEAKER_02
Whether our tone is negative, the words that we're using, you know, we're getting loud, we're getting angry, we're basically throwing negative energy at our partner.
1
SPEAKER_02
That's not healthy.
1
SPEAKER_02
There's nothing healthy about that.
1
SPEAKER_02
But a lot of people will say that because they want to validate the unhealthiness in their relationship.
1
SPEAKER_02
 They don't want to face the issue of I need to learn how to talk to my partner better.
1
SPEAKER_02
I don't want to have to fix my tone.
1
SPEAKER_02
Why do I have to watch what I say?
1
SPEAKER_02
Because that's what an adult does.
1
SPEAKER_02
All right, grow up, you know.
1
SPEAKER_02
Like, I'm sorry to anyone listening to this but that's just real.
1
SPEAKER_02
 we can't just think it's okay especially with our partners to speak however we want, to throw all kinds of insults, to be disrespectful and think this is okay.
1
SPEAKER_02
Because what people are not realizing is all it takes is that one really bad argument to plant a seed of negativity that now grows into something worse in the relationship.
1
SPEAKER_02
 a lot of people's issues are not the issue that they're facing in that current moment.
1
SPEAKER_02
It's the culmination of all kinds of things before then.
1
SPEAKER_02
It's the build up from that last time you disrespected me or made me feel some kind of way and ever since then I've resented you.
1
SPEAKER_02
And now in this resentment I've given you an attitude.
1
SPEAKER_02
You didn't know what the attitude was about because I didn't communicate clearly.
1
SPEAKER_02
Now, you're giving me attitude and now you see how it turns into other things.
1
SPEAKER_02
Now, that attitude turns into not having sex with each other.
1
SPEAKER_02
 that attitude turns into okay, the way that we talk to each other in general.
1
SPEAKER_02
Maybe becoming secretive because now we don't feel like dealing with each other anymore.
1
SPEAKER_02
And what you don't realize is it started from disrespectful arguing, all right.
1
SPEAKER_02
It can also start from some other stuff.
1
SPEAKER_02
 All right, but arguing is a huge problem for a lot of people and we can't just keep swimming under the rug.
1
SPEAKER_02
So, going back to your point about the whole take me at my worst, yes, worst moment.
1
SPEAKER_02
You can have a moment.
1
SPEAKER_02
Not always like this and once in a while a good attitude.
1
SPEAKER_02
Exactly, consistent negative behavior has to be addressed and corrected.
1
SPEAKER_03
 So arguments are disrespect, but disagreements is okay.
1
SPEAKER_03
Is that what you said?
1
SPEAKER_02
Disagreement is acceptable.
1
SPEAKER_03
Disrespect is not.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_03
So you can always disagree and you can agree to not agree.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
Or you can agree to disagree.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
Agree to disagree.
1
SPEAKER_03
 But what I'm hearing you say is that arguing, saying what's on your mind in an angry, aggressive way, tearing down a partner is never going to do anything good for someone.
1
SPEAKER_02
Exactly, people have to understand whenever someone feels attacked they will defend themselves.
1
SPEAKER_02
 Even if they know they're wrong, even if the point you're making is actually solid, the way you're coming at them negates their ability to receive it.
1
SPEAKER_02
That's why even me as a speaker, my focus has been do I want to be heard or do I want people to receive my message, all right?
1
SPEAKER_02
 If I want to be heard I can speak however I want, I can be blatant with the insults, I can cut people down, I can just make jokes of everybody's situation because it's just entertainment, I just want to be heard.
1
SPEAKER_02
But no, I want people to receive it and if I want people to receive it I have to be more considerate, more compassionate, I have to check my tone, I have to be careful with my words.
1
SPEAKER_02
And that's why people watch my videos they see I try to be very careful with my words because I want you to receive what I'm
1
SPEAKER_02
 I'm saying.
1
SPEAKER_02
So, if we're in a relationship we have to take that approach.
1
SPEAKER_02
If you want them to hear you be mindful of how you're talking to them.
1
SPEAKER_02
Why is it so hard for people?
1
SPEAKER_02
Because again, they don't want to face the... Or they don't want to do the work of correction, all right.
1
SPEAKER_02
And the work of correction can entail the healing and again, facing those issues.
1
SPEAKER_02
It's also conditioning.
1
SPEAKER_02
If people have been brought up in households and environments where this is how they talk to each other
1
SPEAKER_02
 It's very... Yeah, it's foreign to now speak in a more loving and positive way.
1
SPEAKER_02
It's foreign to sit and be quiet and listen, all right.
1
SPEAKER_02
So, now they have to reprogram themselves and that's a lot of work.
1
SPEAKER_02
And I think also the acceptance of the way you're communicating is wrong.
1
SPEAKER_02
People don't like to face that they were wrong.
1
SPEAKER_02
 they don't want to have to accept that.
1
SPEAKER_02
So, it's no, I have to dig an even deeper hole and stick with this whole negative approach of how I do things because no, there's nothing wrong with this.
1
SPEAKER_02
Or I see other people do it but you know, they're fine.
1
SPEAKER_02
No, they're not fine.
1
SPEAKER_02
They're not okay, you know.
1
SPEAKER_02
So, I think those reasons are just overall they don't want to have to do the work and so, they rather make excuses for it.
1
SPEAKER_03
So, it sounds like again, we go back to step one, healing.
1
SPEAKER_03
If you can learn to heal
1
SPEAKER_03
 you can start to improve the quality of your choices, dating someone in a relationship or getting out quicker.
1
SPEAKER_03
You can be a more effective communicator in relationships, whether you're dating or in a long-term community relationship.
1
SPEAKER_03
You can have a better relationship overall with yourself when you heal and with someone else.
1
SPEAKER_03
 What happens when we don't show our 100% authentic selves as someone in the beginning, and we reveal that six, 12 months later?
1
SPEAKER_00
What happens?
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, they're really shocked.
1
SPEAKER_00
It's like, I didn't know you were like that.
1
SPEAKER_00
I had no idea because they've fallen in love with a version that you showed them that isn't even you.
1
SPEAKER_00
And we forget the truth.
1
SPEAKER_00
Vulnerability is the basis of friendships and indeed relationships.
1
SPEAKER_00
When you're vulnerable,
1
SPEAKER_00
 You know, people love you for you.
1
SPEAKER_00
When you're sick, when you have a bad day, they will say, then you know who your friends are.
1
SPEAKER_00
But if you pretend you're okay, I see that a lot with people who run a business, always pretend everything's fine.
1
SPEAKER_00
They never tell anyone they're lonely.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then we realize, like that great DJ who killed himself, was it Avicii?
1
SPEAKER_00
Who never told anyone, I'm falling apart here.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Was it, not Bon Jovi, who was it?
1
SPEAKER_00
Van Halen, Eddie Van Halen.
1
SPEAKER_00
There's so many people in the media who think, I've got to pretend I'm great.
1
SPEAKER_00
I can't say I'm lonely, I'm sad, I'm lost.
1
SPEAKER_00
They often let you know through their songs.
1
SPEAKER_00
Look at Prince, I mean.
1
SPEAKER_00
 That's so sad that he was so lonely.
1
SPEAKER_00
But they feel that if they tell us, we'll see them as weak and needy, when in fact, the basis of friendship is, if you're vulnerable and I am, I like you because you're showing me who you really are.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I can love your very soul because I know you.
1
SPEAKER_00
But if I'm in love with an illusion, then it can't work because I don't even know who you are.
1
SPEAKER_03
Wow.
1
SPEAKER_03
How old were you when you started to realize that, that you were lovable?
1
SPEAKER_00
 I think in my 20s, a long time, maybe, I remember when I was 18, I had this really lovely boyfriend.
1
SPEAKER_00
He'd always say, you know what, I love the way you look.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I'm always saying to my mom, I haven't got a personality.
1
SPEAKER_00
I really believed I had no personality.
1
SPEAKER_00
He'd say, I love your hair, I love your body.
1
SPEAKER_00
But I heard that he, I didn't have any character whatsoever, and that really bothered me.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I think, you know, it's so weird because when you change so much, you can hardly recognize the person.
1
SPEAKER_00
Looking back, I'd say, really,
1
SPEAKER_00
 my 20s, maybe even later than my mid-20s.
1
SPEAKER_00
It was only working with my clients over and over again and seeing what was wrong with them that I began to realize, oh, that's what's wrong with everyone.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I began to see all of my clients, they could only ever have one of three things wrong with them.
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, the first one was, I'm not enough.
1
SPEAKER_00
That was the biggie.
1
SPEAKER_00
Every client I saw, whether they were a nursery school teacher,
1
SPEAKER_00
 or they worked in a store, or they were a billionaire, a CEO, or a movie star, they all had the same thing, I'm not enough.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so I've got to earn love or buy love or...
1
SPEAKER_00
 keep being a bigger, better deal to get love.
1
SPEAKER_00
And that's so easy to fix.
1
SPEAKER_00
You just go, you just take the knot out.
1
SPEAKER_00
I am enough.
1
SPEAKER_00
I always have been, I always will be, and you have to... You see, the lie is, every day you tell yourself, I'm not enough.
1
SPEAKER_00
You don't know you're doing it.
1
SPEAKER_00
You get up and go, look at me.
1
SPEAKER_00
I don't look right.
1
SPEAKER_00
I messed that up.
1
SPEAKER_00
I didn't leave enough time to get here.
1
SPEAKER_00
 my kids aren't perfect, my client is annoyed.
1
SPEAKER_00
So every day, over and over again, you're telling yourself, you're not enough.
1
SPEAKER_00
And you just have to take out the knot and go, I am enough.
1
SPEAKER_00
If I'm prepared to lie to myself every single day, over and over again, why not have a better lie?
1
SPEAKER_00
I'm enough.
1
SPEAKER_00
It doesn't have to be true.
1
SPEAKER_00
People say, you know, my legs are the size of tree trunks.
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, clearly that can't be true.
1
SPEAKER_00
This is killing me.
1
SPEAKER_00
This is making me cry.
1
SPEAKER_00
 This is driving me insane.
1
SPEAKER_00
None of these things are true, but if you're prepared to lie, at least have a better lie.
1
SPEAKER_00
I have great coping skills.
1
SPEAKER_00
This is a challenge, but I've got it.
1
SPEAKER_00
I can rest at the weekend.
1
SPEAKER_00
I've got this.
1
SPEAKER_00
I've got great... I have great coping skills is a great lie.
1
SPEAKER_00
Because if you say it enough,
1
SPEAKER_00
 It actually becomes true really fast.
1
SPEAKER_00
Something I say a lot, you're never given anything that you can't cope with.
1
SPEAKER_00
Or, if I got a lot on, well, I'll rest at the weekend.
1
SPEAKER_00
I can deal with this, I've got this, this is fine, this is okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
So the first thing wrong with people is always, I'm not enough.
1
SPEAKER_00
And if you feel like that, remember, you weren't born with it, you're in great company.
1
SPEAKER_00
 and just let it go because it's not true.
1
SPEAKER_00
The second thing wrong is this belief that, I'm different, so I can't connect.
1
SPEAKER_00
And that's kind of a modern-day illness.
1
SPEAKER_00
You know, if you're in a tribe, you would connect because you'd know that you're all interrelated, you look the same.
1
SPEAKER_00
But this belief, I'm different, so I can't connect is... Is it I can't connect or people don't understand me?
1
SPEAKER_00
 No, you connect by being the same.
1
SPEAKER_00
You know, we're primitive people, we connect by being the same.
1
SPEAKER_00
So if you're different, it's very hard to connect because you feel different.
1
SPEAKER_00
And when you feel different, you can't connect, but then you have to remember the truth of that's your greatest fear.
1
SPEAKER_00
It's most people's greatest fear.
1
SPEAKER_00
 So if you look at E.T., he connected to Elliot, but he couldn't connect when he had to go home because he had to be with his people.
1
SPEAKER_03
So... Why is that such a big fear for people?
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Of connecting?
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Yeah, I'm different, so I can't connect.
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SPEAKER_03
Isn't different good in a lot of ways?
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SPEAKER_03
Like being unique and being different?
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SPEAKER_00
Well, the answer is yes and no.
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When you're a little kid, you go, you go,
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 SpongeBob SquarePants, I like Green Pasta, I like Dr. Seuss, and we connect by being, I've got a friend and they like what I like.
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So when we're little, we connect by being the same.
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And our DNA understands that we are hardwired to find connection and avoid rejection, because that's how you make it as a child.
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You find connection, whether it's your little kitten clinging onto your leg, your dog wanting you not to leave the house,
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 a baby holding on so tightly to mom, you understand the truth.
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If I'm connected, I will survive.
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And if I'm disconnected, I will die.
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Because, you know, imagine 100 years ago, you couldn't produce milk for your baby.
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Or 500 years ago, we understood that connection is what made us live.
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 and disconnection killed us.
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SPEAKER_00
Why?
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Every culture would practice banishment or isolation or marooning or casting out.
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So connection makes us survive.
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SPEAKER_00
Especially as adults?
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_00
Okay.
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SPEAKER_03
So we need to feel connected.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_00
And if you listen to all those songs, I'll die if you leave me.
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My world is empty without you.
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SPEAKER_00
I can't live without... I can't breathe without you.
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SPEAKER_01
Okay.
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SPEAKER_00
And to this day, you know, schools understand that someone trolls you, someone ostracizes you.
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 kids cut you out of the group, they don't speak to you.
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 Our greatest fear is, if I'm different, I can't connect.
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But if you go back to that, everyone's fear is being different.
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So if you have that fear, it actually means you're the same.
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And connection is a choice.
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You can connect to anyone all over the world, whatever their race, religion, creed is.
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The problem is that we don't see that.
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We still disconnect people.
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You know, we saw that a lot with the Boston Bombers.
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They were so disconnected from society that that turned into hatred.
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 And it's really important at schools to look at these disconnected kids and to bring them back.
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You know, if you look at the whole jail system in Finland, it's all about reconnect.
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We don't put them in isolation and then send them back out into the world crazy and full of anger.
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We reconnect.
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 And so our greatest fear as humans is to be disconnected.
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So how do we reconnect if we feel like our friend group has pushed us away, our family has sent us away?
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How do we feel connected if we are?
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Well, sometimes you've got to find a new group.
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I mean, you know, your family are just what I call your original family.
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You can have, you know, first of all, you have your nuclear family, mom, dad, brother, sister, auntie, uncle, grandma, but then,
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 When you get married, they become your extended family.
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And so you can always create a family.
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SPEAKER_00
So don't go back to the old tribe that hurt you and expect them to get better.
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I think a lot of our problems is, I expect my mom suddenly to become wonderful.
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She was always mean and hostile, but I expect her to be kind and lovely.
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She's got old now.
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SPEAKER_00
 Aren't old ladies sweet?
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SPEAKER_00
No.
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SPEAKER_00
Sometimes they're still cranky.
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A bitter, cranky person doesn't become sweet when they're 80.
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And often the believer's like, I've got to go back to my family and make them love me, when there's a whole world out there to love you.
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And if people hurt you, not always intending to, and you keep going back to them, expecting, but they can't always make it better.
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SPEAKER_00
It's like, you know,
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 If your family had that capacity to love you, a cup, but my capacity is an Olympic swimming pool, I can't expect that to fill me up.
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I can fill them up, they can't fill up me.
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SPEAKER_00
If my parents have a shot glass capacity to give me love, and I've got the ocean capacity, how can a shot glass fill up the ocean?
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SPEAKER_00
Stop going back to people that hurt you and find... There are people all over the world that will love you and fill you up.
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 We keep going back to the hurters, expecting them to make it better.
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They're often so hurt, they can't.
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And they often do things like, well, you know, people like us, we don't have that.
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And look at those people, we're not like that.
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SPEAKER_00
So it's, I feel different.
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SPEAKER_00
You know, if your dad was the town drunk,
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 If you didn't have a dad and everyone else did, if you had money and everyone else didn't, or vice versa, we buy in very early to this, I'm different, I'm different.
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SPEAKER_00
And you're not different, you're the same.
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SPEAKER_00
So you have to stop looking for what makes you different because that's the confirmation bias.
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Whatever you look for, you're going to find it.
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I mean, I was a principal's daughter.
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 I felt different the day I went to school and my whole childhood, because my dad was the headmaster.
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And that was actually horrible.
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I realize now that was not a good thing.
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But I was always looking for what made me different.
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And then it became a self-fulfilling prophecy.
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SPEAKER_00
I kept looking for it.
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Plus, you know, I could hypnotize people and that made me feel even more different.
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And I had this kind of ability to work out what was wrong with someone really quickly.
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SPEAKER_00
 And that's both good and bad, it's actually good.
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SPEAKER_00
But whatever you look for, you will find whatever you are moving towards, you'll get more of.
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If you look for why your head is killing you, or say, I'm a bit dehydrated, I'm going to drink some water.
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SPEAKER_00
 rub some lavender on my head, I'll be fine in 20 minutes."
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You got to decide where you're going.
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SPEAKER_00
And if you look for what makes you different, you will find it over and over again.
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SPEAKER_00
But if you say, well, why don't I look for what makes me the same?
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SPEAKER_00
We're all the same somewhere.
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SPEAKER_00
Then you'll find that too.
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SPEAKER_00
And it can be very hard if you're dealing with someone who's violent or aggressive or acting out.
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SPEAKER_00
But if you can look for what makes you the same and not different,
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 It really changes your life.
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SPEAKER_00
Because then you can't be disconnected.
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SPEAKER_00
And you can go all over the world.
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SPEAKER_00
You can hang out with tribes.
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SPEAKER_00
You know, my friend was in Rwanda with the gorillas.
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SPEAKER_00
And actually, if you think you're like them... I did this thing of walking with wolves.
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And the first thing you must do is you have to crouch down.
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You mustn't bare your teeth.
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You can't wear wool.
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 And the wolf comes up and decides that you're a wolf.
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SPEAKER_00
And then you go for a walk and it keeps rounding you back up.
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SPEAKER_00
If you walk away, it takes you back into the wolf pack because it thinks you're one of them.
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SPEAKER_00
And if you can make a wolf think you're one of them or a gorilla, then of course you can do it with people.
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SPEAKER_00
But you have to start from, I'm like you, you're like me.
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SPEAKER_00
 I'm the same as you and I can connect with you somewhere, somehow.
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SPEAKER_00
Stop looking for what makes you different and look for what makes you the same because it really is life-changing.
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SPEAKER_03
 I really love hearing feedback from you guys, so share a review over on Apple and let me know what part of this episode resonated with you the most.
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SPEAKER_03
And if no one's told you lately, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.
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And now it's time to go out there and do something great.