0
SPEAKER_01
Hello, hello, hello.
0
SPEAKER_00
Hello!
0
SPEAKER_01
I am a person.
0
SPEAKER_00
Hi, what s your name, person?
0
SPEAKER_01
I am Vincent.
0
SPEAKER_00
Vince, sir, what s going on?
0
SPEAKER_00
How s life?
0
SPEAKER_01
Life is, it is what it is.
0
SPEAKER_01
There s good, there s bad, there s ups and downs, you know?
0
SPEAKER_00
Um, well, man, what s, uh, what d you want to talk about today?
0
SPEAKER_01
Well, a thing that I ve been trying to work through with therapy and, you know, stuff, um,
0
SPEAKER_01
I broke up with my ex like half a year ago, and I ve been resorting to transactional relationships in fear of putting myself out there and getting hurt while being vulnerable again, right?
0
SPEAKER_01
So that s been an unhealthy coping mechanism.
0
SPEAKER_00
What sorts of transactional relationships?
0
SPEAKER_01
In the past is like strip club, but I, I went there a few times and I got over it.
0
SPEAKER_01
Um, massages, regular places for like physical touch, like a love language thing.
0
SPEAKER_01
Um, or just even something like talking to someone on fiber, like paying someone to talk to me.
0
SPEAKER_01
Cause all I do is go to work and, uh, pretty mundane life.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
And.
0
SPEAKER_00
How, how have those experiences been for you?
0
SPEAKER_01
It, it is what it is.
0
SPEAKER_01
Like you pay for the service or, and sometimes our understanding of like what your needs are, like reading you because they re in that business.
0
SPEAKER_01
Right.
0
SPEAKER_01
Not necessarily.
0
SPEAKER_01
sex work or anything, but even like my massage therapist, she understands like, I m looking for some type of, not necessarily affection, but like just like being there present is like a nice thing.
0
SPEAKER_01
And she even like gives me hugs or like, you know, uh, when we re partying and stuff.
0
SPEAKER_01
Um, so that s one, but I m trying to work through it with my therapist and
0
SPEAKER_01
Um, yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
What s your therapist say about all this?
0
SPEAKER_01
My therapist actually, actually my insurance just changed so that I m not a therapist anymore.
0
SPEAKER_01
And my last therapist left me with a bill of $500 cause uh, cause cause my insurance changed and then didn t cover the last month and the last
0
SPEAKER_01
portion of one of our sessions, I mentioned how I questioned if, uh, if therapy was a transactional relationship.
0
SPEAKER_01
And she said, no, but once the, once the, once the bill came, once the bill came, I was like, I see.
0
SPEAKER_01
And they have the rate on there, you know, on those forms you sign and you re liable for that, you know, he s signing name on that.
0
SPEAKER_01
So yeah, it became.
0
SPEAKER_01
But it was, uh, yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
Hmm.
0
SPEAKER_00
So you, you said that you re afraid of putting yourself out there.
0
SPEAKER_00
Why is that?
0
SPEAKER_01
Hmm.
0
SPEAKER_01
I guess the last relationship I was in, uh, I didn t, I wasn t in a relationship for a long time.
0
SPEAKER_01
And then she came along and she,
0
SPEAKER_01
was into me and that we were just friends for like two years from like online stuff.
0
SPEAKER_01
And then I just gave it a shot.
0
SPEAKER_01
And then somewhere along the line, she didn t have time.
0
SPEAKER_01
She started making excuses and, uh, it didn t work out well.
0
SPEAKER_01
It was two years.
0
SPEAKER_01
That was a short time, but yes.
0
SPEAKER_00
And when you say you re afraid of putting yourself out there, what do you envision putting yourself out there to be in the form of?
0
SPEAKER_00
Can you rephrase that question?
0
SPEAKER_00
What would you putting yourself out there look like?
0
SPEAKER_01
I guess being more comfortable in my own skin again.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I don t know, I just
0
SPEAKER_01
I just, I guess I hold a lot of, um, like, I don t know if the word is resentment, but like, kind of like pain or when she wants to keep in touch, like to be friends and stuff.
0
SPEAKER_01
So she hits me up and she s like, Oh, I ve dropped him to hang out, but she wants to text me and tell me about her problems, you know?
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
Uh, but I just want to be comfortable in my own skin and,
0
SPEAKER_01
build confidence and self-esteem and then hopefully get back into regular life, normal life, as they say.
0
SPEAKER_00
Well, I don t think you should feel shame about any of these transactional relationships.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I ll say, but like, how do they make you feel?
0
SPEAKER_00
Like, do you, do you feel good afterwards?
0
SPEAKER_00
Do you feel bad afterwards?
0
SPEAKER_01
The strip club, I felt shame.
0
SPEAKER_01
There were some guy things that I did that I felt shame and guilt for.
0
SPEAKER_01
Like, uh, shame about maybe a topic that isn t talked about or kind of, uh, in certain cultures,
0
SPEAKER_01
you oppress your sexuality and growing up, that s what I did.
0
SPEAKER_01
And then I never did anything like that until this, right?
0
SPEAKER_01
Like that outlandish for a guy, guy stuff, right?
0
SPEAKER_01
So that was something I had to process, like acknowledging the different sides of me and trying to accept myself.
0
SPEAKER_01
And although the past has happened,
0
SPEAKER_01
Like try to move on But I guess it was just triggering when she texted me the other day.
0
SPEAKER_00
That s all but yeah That s that happens, and I should probably block, but I just haven t blocked anyone ever You re a you re a smart you re a smart guy to understand the root of the of the of the issue Though that you re not comfortable in your own skin Right because
0
SPEAKER_00
But because a lot of because you really you could confuse it right you could confuse it and you could go I need to be in love I need to have sex this and that and the other thing and it s like well those are just like if you if you like look deep enough those are kind of
0
SPEAKER_00
I don t, and I don t fucking know, I really don t, I really don t fucking know, but I think those are, you know, in my higher mind, I m like, I really feel as though those are, like, probably are just band-aids for not feeling comfortable in your own skin.
0
SPEAKER_00
But also, I don t know, they re also like integral parts of the human experience.
0
SPEAKER_00
Right, of course.
0
SPEAKER_00
And to say that one can live calmly without them is, I guess, a stretch.
0
SPEAKER_01
I would say it s like a cope, a heavy cope.
0
SPEAKER_01
Everyone has their own vices and stuff.
0
SPEAKER_01
Some healthy, some unhealthy.
0
SPEAKER_01
I m totally aware of what s going on, but I m just lacking action.
0
SPEAKER_00
Okay, what would that action look like?
0
SPEAKER_01
And I blame it on like, you know, any mental illness or ADHD shit, blah, blah, blah, you know?
0
SPEAKER_01
So like procrastination and getting shit done besides work, outside of work, like using those four to six hours after work or on the weekends to be productive.
0
SPEAKER_01
Or, but is it like what I want to do to improve or like to better myself?
0
SPEAKER_01
Or is it because what society, right?
0
SPEAKER_01
I m trying to find that balance.
0
SPEAKER_00
What do you want to do to improve then?
0
SPEAKER_01
Keep reading and learning, although I don t absorb information that well.
1
SPEAKER_02
But I get like the main points of stuff.
1
SPEAKER_02
Have a hobby that allows me to have a emotional creative outlet.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Um, I m not sure.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s all smart stuff.
1
SPEAKER_00
Just needs action.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Action cures fear.
1
SPEAKER_00
I mean, what are you doing today?
1
SPEAKER_02
Work, work.
1
SPEAKER_00
What do you do for work?
1
SPEAKER_02
I am in the entertainment industry.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, that s what I say.
1
SPEAKER_02
a fireworks company doing contracts and permits.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m in the entertainment industry.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s how I say it, right?
1
SPEAKER_01
That s how you sell it.
1
SPEAKER_00
You gotta sell it.
1
SPEAKER_00
I ve never heard of anyone saying that working in fireworks is the entertainment industry.
1
SPEAKER_00
But you are not technically wrong.
1
SPEAKER_00
People go ooh and ah, right?
1
SPEAKER_00
You re not wrong.
1
SPEAKER_00
You re not wrong.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m not saying you re wrong.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m not saying you re wrong.
1
SPEAKER_00
I mean, I m not kidding me.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m crazy.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m sorry.
1
SPEAKER_00
I was making I was trying to make some joke about jizzing and fireworks, but it didn t it didn t.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, yes.
1
SPEAKER_02
Very explosive.
1
SPEAKER_02
Anyway, knowing that November was very successful.
1
SPEAKER_02
I was actually a show in Los Angeles, by the way.
1
SPEAKER_02
It was a great show.
1
SPEAKER_02
Great.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, oh, you re at the show.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, that s all.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
The the the fucking the cemetery.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s cool.
1
SPEAKER_02
Which was longer.
1
SPEAKER_02
But, you know, it was a great experience.
1
SPEAKER_02
Love the crowd.
1
SPEAKER_02
And I appreciate you taking my call today.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, of course.
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, I don t know if we re done yet.
1
SPEAKER_00
We don t have to be.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, hello.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m still here.
1
SPEAKER_00
Hello.
1
SPEAKER_00
Hello.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m rooting for you, man.
1
SPEAKER_00
You seem like a smart guy.
1
SPEAKER_00
I really feel that way.
1
SPEAKER_00
You re on a good path.
1
SPEAKER_00
I wish you wouldn t be so afraid of putting yourself out there.
1
SPEAKER_00
The thing with the transactional relationships is that you come to find out that they re unsustainable.
1
SPEAKER_00
Right.
1
SPEAKER_00
I mean, they re good
1
SPEAKER_00
like little band-aids, I guess, to like, but, but once you start relying too much on the band-aids, um, it can, it can take your focus off of, um, all the positive, all the shit that you re talking about that s positive, you know?
1
SPEAKER_02
Right.
1
SPEAKER_02
I would like to, uh, let y all know that I was hospitalized actually last year before I got this job.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh shit.
1
SPEAKER_02
unless they know who I am on the internet.
1
SPEAKER_02
Like in a psychiatric ward for having psychosis, because I was addicted to Adderall and Xanax.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s cool.
1
SPEAKER_00
Adderall is awesome.
1
SPEAKER_02
I mean, you know that from... Well, I got sober since then.
1
SPEAKER_02
So I haven t, but it sounds like such a crazy change in life, in my life since like the previous year, right?
1
SPEAKER_02
So that s what I m like coming from.
1
SPEAKER_02
and I m just trying to move forward, but then, you know, like you said, it s an experience of just living a life.
1
SPEAKER_02
Just going through the motions.
1
SPEAKER_02
Probably got to up my Lexapro.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m sorry I said it was cool that you were hospitalized, but I was like- cause some- I- but also- Oh no, it was- it was- it was fun.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay, see, I thought it was fun, and then I looked at the chat and somebody was like, why are you saying that?
1
SPEAKER_00
And I m like, well, this is why I shouldn t read the chat.
1
SPEAKER_00
Anyway- Yeah, you shouldn t read the chat.
1
SPEAKER_00
I shouldn t read the chat.
1
SPEAKER_00
You know what?
1
SPEAKER_00
You re god- you know what?
1
SPEAKER_00
Thanks.
1
SPEAKER_00
I shouldn t read the chat.
1
SPEAKER_02
YouTube comments, Twitch chat, they just wanna, you know, say- you just say hi- hi chat, and they say hi back, and they give you emojis.
1
SPEAKER_02
That s pretty cool, though.
1
SPEAKER_02
You got a dope gig.
1
SPEAKER_00
Nah, fuck.
1
SPEAKER_00
Fuck all that.
1
SPEAKER_00
Um... Oh, okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
No.
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, see, now everyone s gonna be like... Ah, whatever.
1
SPEAKER_00
Alright, alright.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m talking to you.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m not talking to anyone else.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m talking to you right now.
1
SPEAKER_00
I have to read my tarot card reading too, though.
1
SPEAKER_02
I gotta read my tarot card reading.
1
SPEAKER_00
Your tarot card reading?
1
SPEAKER_00
What is... What... You read tarot cards?
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, just like your love person.
1
SPEAKER_02
Like, you know.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s an app.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s an app.
1
SPEAKER_02
We re in 2024.
1
SPEAKER_02
What s your, uh, tarot?
1
SPEAKER_02
I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_02
That s why I gotta read it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
All right, before we go, give me a list.
1
SPEAKER_00
What are your things?
1
SPEAKER_00
Let s do self-improvement nonsense.
1
SPEAKER_02
Can I plug my music that I haven t made or released in two years on Spotify?
1
SPEAKER_00
Do the self-improvement thing with me first, and then we can do that.
1
SPEAKER_02
Okay, okay.
1
SPEAKER_02
Here I go, here I go.
1
SPEAKER_02
Sorry.
1
SPEAKER_02
What?
1
SPEAKER_02
What?
1
SPEAKER_00
Never mind.
1
SPEAKER_00
This was stupid.
1
SPEAKER_00
I don t know what I m talking about.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m glad that you re out of the hospital.
1
SPEAKER_00
Healthy habits.
1
SPEAKER_00
Healthy habits.
1
SPEAKER_02
Small gains over time.
1
SPEAKER_02
If you go big goal, you go, what the fuck?
1
SPEAKER_02
I can t do that.
1
SPEAKER_02
But if you break it down and make it sustainable, like something like making your bed, make your fucking bed, right?
1
SPEAKER_02
And you re like, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
And you go home and you re like, that s a nice bed.
1
SPEAKER_02
And then you keep doing that.
1
SPEAKER_02
And you do little things that you say you love yourself.
1
SPEAKER_02
You do your, you fucking wash your face at night and you re like, yeah, my face is going to get better.
1
SPEAKER_02
So I don t look like I m fucking meth head because I used to do Adderall.
1
SPEAKER_02
Right.
1
SPEAKER_02
Exactly.
1
SPEAKER_00
So all I m saying is, you know, I like the idea that you made your bed so well that they sent you to the psych ward.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh no, that was a post.
1
SPEAKER_00
Like the only way he could have made his bed so perfectly was by being on a ton of Adderall.
1
SPEAKER_02
The cycle was crazy though.
1
SPEAKER_02
I mean, 10 days and every day is just the same on cycle.
1
SPEAKER_02
Three days, three meals a day.
1
SPEAKER_02
You watch TV and you sit out there.
1
SPEAKER_02
And once a week, this lady comes in with activities, you know, like, ah, get me out of here.
1
SPEAKER_02
But they give you milk and milk so good.
1
SPEAKER_02
Cause it comes with like, you know, when you re a little kid, you know, you got the little milk with the little thing.
1
SPEAKER_02
And then like this one girl, she was like a klepto and she would steal other people s clothes and, and she would steal milk and eat other people s food, but she s diabetic.
1
SPEAKER_02
And then there was one guy that was playing guitar like all the time.
1
SPEAKER_02
And he was just chill there.
1
SPEAKER_02
And he had like a conservator or something.
1
SPEAKER_02
And that s what he said.
1
SPEAKER_00
Cool stuff.
1
SPEAKER_00
What kind of activities are we talking like, like they bring you like a coloring book?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, coloring was fun.
1
SPEAKER_00
That actually does sound nice.
1
SPEAKER_00
Like, if I were going insane, that would be something I would want to do, is color.
1
SPEAKER_00
Like structure, they give you structure.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yes, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
They re not going to put N64 in there.
1
SPEAKER_02
Like, Super Smash, I would be like, ah, I picked it again, you know?
1
SPEAKER_02
But no, they give us coloring books to calm the fuck down within the lines, you know?
1
SPEAKER_02
But some people are breaking rules.
1
SPEAKER_02
And that s how they got there.
1
SPEAKER_00
This guy s crazy.
1
SPEAKER_00
He s coloring outside the lines.
1
SPEAKER_00
Exactly.
1
SPEAKER_00
Imagine what he would do in the real world with those crowns.
1
SPEAKER_00
Fuck.
1
SPEAKER_00
Right, right.
1
SPEAKER_00
Are you doing better?
1
SPEAKER_00
You sound like you re doing a lot better.
1
SPEAKER_02
I am doing better, yes, thank you.
1
SPEAKER_02
I just happen to go in those, you know, once a month, gotta cry it all out, lethargic, not lethargic, cathartic feelings and all those emotions.
1
SPEAKER_02
Trying to... Well, for me, I didn t have like a... I feel like everyone has trauma, right?
1
SPEAKER_02
And then I was lacking role models growing up.
1
SPEAKER_02
So now I look through to like authors or like, not necessarily friends, but
1
SPEAKER_02
mentors are somewhat, you know, a pastor and not necessarily for religion or anything, but for like, like to model off of their good traits and stuff, like to develop a healthy masculinity.
1
SPEAKER_00
Do you feel as though you ve developed a healthy sense of masculinity?
1
SPEAKER_02
Better than before, but there s a lot of work to go.
1
SPEAKER_00
You sound all right.
1
SPEAKER_00
You honestly, um,
1
SPEAKER_00
And I really mean this sound like you re on an upward trajectory in life.
1
SPEAKER_02
Upward trajectory until probably 8 p.m.
1
SPEAKER_02
And then I m like, yeah, so what s at 8 p.m.?
1
SPEAKER_00
What s going on?
2
SPEAKER_01
You know, my mood flipped for some reason.
2
SPEAKER_01
Gotta tell my doctor.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
The nights are crazy.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s easy to not go insane when the sun is out.
2
SPEAKER_01
I probably need more sunlight, to be honest.
2
SPEAKER_00
I need to touch grass.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, you do need to touch.
2
SPEAKER_00
We all need to touch grass.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I used to live on Reddit.
2
SPEAKER_01
So that s where I m coming from back then.
2
SPEAKER_00
And now I live on Twitch.
2
SPEAKER_00
Do you go outside?
2
SPEAKER_00
Do you do anything?
2
SPEAKER_01
Walk around the neighborhood.
2
SPEAKER_01
When I had really severe anxiety, I started playing Pokemon Go and that got me out of the house.
2
SPEAKER_01
That was like post-COVID.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t play as much now, but not really physical now.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, wait, we never did it.
2
SPEAKER_00
Wait, no, we did do Healthy Habits.
2
SPEAKER_00
We did that already.
2
SPEAKER_01
Healthy habits, not vaping.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay, we re gonna not vape.
2
SPEAKER_00
We re gonna not go on OnlyFans.
2
SPEAKER_01
What if you re curious and you want to explore your masculinity?
2
SPEAKER_01
Isn t that, that s... What if you want to support entrepreneurs and artists all over the world?
2
SPEAKER_01
Don t you want to support them?
2
SPEAKER_00
Stay with me, man.
2
SPEAKER_00
Come on, stay with me, alright?
2
SPEAKER_00
Stay with me.
2
SPEAKER_00
Stay with me.
2
SPEAKER_00
Alright.
2
SPEAKER_00
Alright.
2
SPEAKER_00
Stay grounded.
2
SPEAKER_00
Stay with me.
2
SPEAKER_00
We re gonna go on some walks.
2
SPEAKER_00
We re gonna fucking... We re gonna get ripped.
2
SPEAKER_01
But this is me sober.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then, like, people are like, are you hot?
2
SPEAKER_01
And I m like, no.
2
SPEAKER_00
No, you re doing great.
2
SPEAKER_00
Trust me.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s gonna be alright.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_00
Alright, what else?
2
SPEAKER_00
We re gonna not go on OnlyFans.
2
SPEAKER_00
We re gonna go on walks.
2
SPEAKER_00
We re gonna look at the sun.
2
SPEAKER_00
Take some supplements.
2
SPEAKER_01
Wash your face, man.
2
SPEAKER_00
Wash your face.
2
SPEAKER_01
Hygiene, self-care.
2
SPEAKER_00
Hygiene, self-care.
2
SPEAKER_01
Love yourself.
2
SPEAKER_00
Affirmations.
2
SPEAKER_00
Affirmations.
2
SPEAKER_01
Less negative self-talk.
2
SPEAKER_00
Less negative self-talk.
2
SPEAKER_00
All right, what s your band?
2
SPEAKER_00
You can hit me with the band now.
2
SPEAKER_00
We did it.
2
SPEAKER_00
I don t want to say anything.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, band.
2
SPEAKER_00
And if we say another healthy habit, I m going to immediately hang up the phone and go eat a fucking cheeseburger.
2
SPEAKER_01
Healthy habit.
2
SPEAKER_00
No, no more healthy habits.
2
SPEAKER_01
Healthy habit.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh, have a creative outlook.
2
SPEAKER_01
outlet for producing music.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I just got this synth, this VST virtual synthesizer instrument, whatever, for $500 and it has 10,000 sounds.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I ve been making electronic music, but I m going to incorporate those sounds and it s going to be fun.
2
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_00
Where do we find your music?
2
SPEAKER_00
Do you, well, okay, let me just say this to you real quick.
2
SPEAKER_00
Do you want, cause for all intents and purposes, this podcast is anonymous.
2
SPEAKER_00
Do you, do you, do you desire to forego your anonymity to plug your music?
2
SPEAKER_01
At this point, who cares?
2
SPEAKER_01
Am I going to get cancelled?
2
SPEAKER_01
If you get scared of getting cancelled.
2
SPEAKER_01
What would you, how would you?
2
SPEAKER_01
Nothing, nothing, but I m just saying.
2
SPEAKER_01
Okay, okay, so here s the thing.
2
SPEAKER_01
I released a song called It s Only Binary, right?
2
SPEAKER_01
It s like, like kind of like digital analog sounding, you know, like a eight minute driving track.
2
SPEAKER_00
And then I don t want people to think that, you know, it s, you know, I, I don t think anyone s there s no lyrics in the song, right?
2
SPEAKER_00
There s no lyrics, but you never know.
2
SPEAKER_00
Why would there was no, I would, why would somebody think that a song called it s only binary?
2
SPEAKER_00
That s just you making beeping noises.
2
SPEAKER_00
Why would they think they re going to, you think they re going to think it s about gender?
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh, good point.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I think too much into it.
2
SPEAKER_01
You re thinking too much into it.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
You re reading too much into it.
2
SPEAKER_00
We re both looking at the chat too much.
2
SPEAKER_00
We re both looking at the chat of life.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m not looking at the chat at all.
2
SPEAKER_01
No, no, hold on.
2
SPEAKER_00
The chat of life.
2
SPEAKER_00
Vince, the chat of life.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s a proverbial.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I m sorry.
2
SPEAKER_00
We re both looking at the chat too much.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s all right.
2
SPEAKER_00
You don t have to apologize for it.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I take it back.
2
SPEAKER_00
We re both looking at the chat of life too much, all right?
2
SPEAKER_00
Just don t look at the chat.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s a metaphor for life.
2
SPEAKER_00
Don t look at the chat.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m totally late for work.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay, I m gonna let you go then.
2
SPEAKER_01
Okay, I m gonna plug it.
2
SPEAKER_01
Plug it.
2
SPEAKER_01
What s your plug?
2
SPEAKER_01
And I want to make new music and then you will listen and one day it will be your theme song in the background.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like eight hour music, meditation music.
2
SPEAKER_01
I ll do it for you dawg.
2
SPEAKER_00
Do you want to plug?
2
SPEAKER_00
You don t have to if you don t want to plug.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, it s, uh, Photik, P-H-O-T-I-K on Spotify and stuff.
2
SPEAKER_00
P-H-O-T-O-K?
2
SPEAKER_00
Photik?
2
SPEAKER_00
Photon?
2
SPEAKER_01
P-H-O-T-I-K.
2
SPEAKER_00
Say it one more time.
2
SPEAKER_00
P-H-O-T-I-K, Photik.
2
SPEAKER_00
P-H-O-T-I-K, Photik.
2
SPEAKER_00
Electronic, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
Is there anything else you want to say to the people at the computer before we go, Vince?
2
SPEAKER_01
Be kind to yourself.
2
SPEAKER_01
And...
2
SPEAKER_01
You re only human.
2
SPEAKER_01
We re only human after all.
2
SPEAKER_01
Right?
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
That s it.
2
SPEAKER_00
Thank you.
2
SPEAKER_00
I have faith in you, Vince.
2
SPEAKER_01
Thank you.
2
SPEAKER_01
I appreciate the call.
2
SPEAKER_01
Bye-bye.
2
SPEAKER_01
Have a good one.
2
SPEAKER_00
Bye.
2
SPEAKER_00
That was cool.
2
SPEAKER_00
I liked that.
2
SPEAKER_00
I kind of want to color now.
2
SPEAKER_00
Hey folks, this is Lyle.
2
SPEAKER_00
I am very excited to announce that I am going back on tour in 2024 to do Therapy Gecko Live all across the country.
2
SPEAKER_00
If you ve never been to one of my live shows before, they are extremely fun, unpredictable, wild evenings that involve a mix of group gecko therapy sessions as well as some material and presentations from myself.
2
SPEAKER_00
And if you ve been to the show before, I have new presentations and will of course be interviewing new people.
2
SPEAKER_00
If you re a fan of the podcast, you re gonna have a great time at the live show, so I hope to see you guys there.
2
SPEAKER_00
Go to therapygeckotour.com or check the link in the episode description for a full list of cities where tickets are available.
2
SPEAKER_00
Also, if you don t see your city on the list of cities, please still click the link and RSVP with your phone number so I can contact you when tickets go on sale for your city, because I m going to announce a bunch more dates very soon.
2
SPEAKER_00
Geck bless.
2
SPEAKER_02
Hello.
2
SPEAKER_00
Hi there.
2
SPEAKER_00
What s your name?
2
SPEAKER_02
Willow.
2
SPEAKER_00
Willow.
2
SPEAKER_00
What s up?
2
SPEAKER_00
What d you want to talk about today?
2
SPEAKER_02
Um, I mean, I m just trying to catch a vibe, but like, uh, I don t, we could talk about, um, when I went $15,000 in credit card debt over two years because I was being manic.
2
SPEAKER_00
Um, we can talk about that if, if you would like, what did you spend $15,000 on?
2
SPEAKER_02
So it was really stupid.
2
SPEAKER_02
I had just gotten out of a divorce and I was just like, all right, I m gonna reclaim my shit.
2
SPEAKER_02
So, sorry, I can t breathe.
2
SPEAKER_02
I m like shaking right now.
2
SPEAKER_00
Let me know if you need a second, we can do some breathing exercises or something.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m open to that.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, let s do that.
2
SPEAKER_00
Let s do that.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay, all right.
2
SPEAKER_00
One, all right, count to 10.
2
SPEAKER_00
One.
2
SPEAKER_00
Two.
2
SPEAKER_00
Was it where those two breaths good enough for you?
2
SPEAKER_00
Do you want to do the whole that was beautiful?
2
SPEAKER_02
Thank you Okay, so I went into like the era of me if that makes sense So I spent a lot of money on clothes, but like the main thing was on raves.
2
SPEAKER_00
I went to a shit ton of raves How many raves is $15,000 worth of raves Well
2
SPEAKER_02
Over two years, probably like 80, but a lot of it was that I had to take an Uber like 40 minutes away, because I don t have a car.
2
SPEAKER_02
And at first I was going by myself for like the first year, and then I met some people, so it was fine.
2
SPEAKER_00
You went to 80 raves over the course of two years?
2
SPEAKER_02
I mean, that s an estimate, but yeah, probably.
2
SPEAKER_00
And were they all in the same state?
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, they re all in Dallas.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, wow.
2
SPEAKER_00
Um, were you doing a lot of MDMA?
2
SPEAKER_02
No, I ve actually only done it one time.
2
SPEAKER_00
Really?
2
SPEAKER_00
No, that s good.
2
SPEAKER_00
I mean, if you had done MDMA 80 times in the last two years, you would absolutely be dead right now.
2
SPEAKER_00
No, you d be dead.
2
SPEAKER_00
Um, so artsy went through a divorce.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
and you went rave mode.
2
SPEAKER_00
Are you still in debt?
2
SPEAKER_00
Are you still in $15,000 of debt?
2
SPEAKER_00
I m in $13,000 in debt now.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_02
Is that negatively
3
SPEAKER_00
your life?
3
SPEAKER_01
Absolutely.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s all I think about.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m so fucking stressed.
3
SPEAKER_00
How old are you, Willow?
3
SPEAKER_01
I m 26.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_00
When did you go on this rave journey?
3
SPEAKER_01
When I was like 24.
3
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_00
And is all the debt because of the raves?
3
SPEAKER_01
I mean, mostly.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, that s the main cause, I would say.
3
SPEAKER_00
Did you, did you, do you regret it or did you have a good time?
3
SPEAKER_01
Hell no, it was amazing.
3
SPEAKER_01
I fucking love raving.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s such a good community.
3
SPEAKER_00
I mean, that s good.
3
SPEAKER_00
Cause that s the thing, right?
3
SPEAKER_00
If you re going to get yourself into $13,000 of debt, you might as well look back on those raves finally, or else what was the point?
3
SPEAKER_01
Exactly.
3
SPEAKER_01
And like, I started with going to like larger ones, but now I got, I go to a lot of local shows and it s even better and it s cheaper.
3
SPEAKER_01
So.
3
SPEAKER_00
People are going to hate me for this.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s fine.
3
SPEAKER_00
I get it.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m not going to get invited to the cool parties anymore.
3
SPEAKER_00
No cool DJs are going to want to come on my show.
3
SPEAKER_00
Everyone s going to think I suck, but I m just going to say it.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s how I feel.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m pretty sure I ve said it before, but I have a thing.
3
SPEAKER_00
All EDM kind of sounds exactly the same to me.
3
SPEAKER_01
Well, you re not getting deep into it enough.
3
SPEAKER_01
But I ve been listening to it since I was like 10, though.
3
SPEAKER_01
So I feel like I ve been here a minute.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m going to tell a story real quick.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m almost positive I ve told this on the podcast before.
3
SPEAKER_00
And if you ve been listening for three years, can you tell me if you ve heard me tell this story before and interrupt me and tell me if you ve heard me tell this before?
3
SPEAKER_00
I was at EDC.
3
SPEAKER_00
Great festival.
3
SPEAKER_00
Whether you re into electronic music or not, if you ever get the chance to, EDC fucking rocks.
3
SPEAKER_00
um i was at edc and i was with these people and um this guy like we re at we re at this uh tent or whatever and there s a dj playing and this guy that is in this group he he turns to the group and he goes
3
SPEAKER_00
This is like mainstream EDM music.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is kind of like your basic kind of EDM that everyone listens to.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is like the popular stuff.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is the mainstream stuff.
3
SPEAKER_00
Later on, deeper into the night, we re going to go to this other tent.
3
SPEAKER_00
And that s where we re going to hear the real underground stuff.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like this is the good, this is the good stuff.
3
SPEAKER_00
So what we re watching right now, this is nothing, right?
3
SPEAKER_00
Later on, we re going to go to this other tent.
3
SPEAKER_00
We re going to hear the real true underground electronic music.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
An hour later, a couple hours later, we go to a tent, a different tent.
3
SPEAKER_00
And the guy says, now this, this is the real, uh, underground electronic stuff.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is like the real, this is like what I listen to.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is a real music.
3
SPEAKER_00
And, um, Willow.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
It fucking sounded EXACTLY the same.
3
SPEAKER_01
Well, what kind of EDM was it, though?
3
SPEAKER_01
Like house music, dubstep, do you even know?
3
SPEAKER_00
It went like... It went like that.
3
SPEAKER_01
That s not the right kind, that s the bad kind.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s all the same, and I m not here to shit on your hobby.
3
SPEAKER_00
By the way, by the way, by the way, I know I sound like a Grinch, I like raves, I like EDM, I like the scene, I like the... Like, I like the scene of it.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, I like the scene.
3
SPEAKER_00
I love, like, anytime I ve gone to a music festival or a rave, it s so much fun just for the scene.
3
SPEAKER_00
But it just unfortunately sounds very similar to me.
3
SPEAKER_01
No, dude.
3
SPEAKER_01
You don t get it.
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t get it.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t get it.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t get it.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is me.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s not me shitting on it.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s not me saying the people who like it are stupid.
3
SPEAKER_00
It is me saying truly that I do not get it.
3
SPEAKER_01
You said you like country music, right?
3
SPEAKER_00
I like a lot of kinds of music.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
Uh, I don t like country music because that all sounds the same to me.
3
SPEAKER_00
Um, I don t really listen to it.
3
SPEAKER_00
I ve just been listening to like old stuff.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like I m listening to like Johnny Cash and oh, I love Johnny Cash.
3
SPEAKER_00
He s my Johnny Cash.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like I don t, I don t know a single who like Brad Paisley who I ve never, I couldn t name a single song from him.
3
SPEAKER_00
Um, all right.
3
SPEAKER_00
So you re in $13,000.
3
SPEAKER_00
This was fun.
3
SPEAKER_00
We got to forget about being in credit card debt for two seconds.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, that s always nice.
3
SPEAKER_00
Do you have a job?
3
SPEAKER_01
I do.
3
SPEAKER_01
I m a beauty salesperson for a big retail store.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_00
When you said, because when you said I m a beauty salesperson, I was about to wonder if you were in an MLM, but you don t seem like you are.
3
SPEAKER_01
A what?
3
SPEAKER_00
Do you know what an MLM is?
3
SPEAKER_01
No, what is that?
3
SPEAKER_00
Have you ever had a high school friend message you on Facebook being like, Hey girly, uh, I have a great deal on these, uh, hair straighteners.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know what I m talking about?
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, no, it s not like that.
3
SPEAKER_00
Do you like your job?
3
SPEAKER_01
I fucking hate it, but I ve been there for seven years, so it s kind of conflicting.
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_00
Since you were 19.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, dude.
3
SPEAKER_00
Um, what would you do instead?
3
SPEAKER_01
that s the thing i don t know like i feel like i have no direction like i d like to do something like music like i really like helping uh people um get more exposure but like i don t know what i could do with that you know
3
SPEAKER_00
I mean, well, okay, after going to 80 raves, I assume you ve got friends in the rave community.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, a ton.
3
SPEAKER_00
Have you asked around and seen what opportunities may exist for making money and working at raves and things like that?
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, but here s the thing, I don t have a car either, and most of that s like 45 minutes away from me.
3
SPEAKER_00
Do they pay you well enough at the retailer place?
3
SPEAKER_01
No.
3
SPEAKER_00
Have you gotten a raise at least after seven years?
3
SPEAKER_01
You d think, right?
3
SPEAKER_01
So I make 50 cents more than somebody that started yesterday.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s fucking crazy.
3
SPEAKER_01
It is, dude.
3
SPEAKER_01
And they re always praising me for how good I work.
3
SPEAKER_01
Then where s the money, though?
3
SPEAKER_00
I mean, could you get a different job?
3
SPEAKER_01
I mean probably but like I m scared because like they have really good like benefits like health insurance and stuff and like I need that because I take like four different medications.
3
SPEAKER_01
I m all fucked up.
3
SPEAKER_00
Well, I m glad I m glad that the raves were fun.
3
SPEAKER_00
Do you still go to raves?
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, yeah, but I cut down drastically.
3
SPEAKER_01
I ve only gone to one so far this year.
3
SPEAKER_01
trying to do like one a month and no more because it was really messing up my sleep schedule and I was going to work like hungover a lot and I was coming in late all the time and I almost lost my job like three times.
3
SPEAKER_00
Do you have an interest in making music?
3
SPEAKER_01
What?
3
SPEAKER_01
No, I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_01
I really don t.
3
SPEAKER_01
A lot of my friends make music, but it s not for me.
3
SPEAKER_00
Who s your favorite EDM person?
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh my god.
3
SPEAKER_01
Right now... I really like Insect.
3
SPEAKER_00
Who s Insect?
3
SPEAKER_01
Rhythm.
3
SPEAKER_00
Who s Insect?
3
SPEAKER_01
He s a rhythm DJ.
3
SPEAKER_00
He s a rhythm DJ.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I really like R.I.D.D.I.M.
3
SPEAKER_00
Isn t all music about rhythm, kind of?
3
SPEAKER_01
Not rhythm, R.I.D.D.I.M.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, what is R.I.D.D.I.M.?
3
SPEAKER_01
So R.I.D.D.I.M.
3
SPEAKER_01
is a subgenre of dubstep, but you would hate it.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s very super repetitive, but you can throw ass to it.
3
SPEAKER_01
You can do some high knees to it.
3
SPEAKER_01
Those are the main two things people do, but it s just
3
SPEAKER_01
It gets the crowd jumpy.
3
SPEAKER_00
Why do you assume I would hate it?
3
SPEAKER_01
Because it s very repetitive, like the whole song.
3
SPEAKER_01
All of it s very repetitive.
3
SPEAKER_01
Like I get why it s not for all people.
3
SPEAKER_00
Wait, you know what?
3
SPEAKER_00
I m glad you brought this up because I was in a McDonald s a few days ago.
3
SPEAKER_00
I know I ve been talking a bunch of shit on here about how I m gonna get ripped but I was in a McDonald s a few days ago and there was a song playing and it was the same beat just over and over and over and over and over and over again and my friends and I thought that like it was stuck or something was broken
3
SPEAKER_00
but I wish I had known at the time because I would have been like,
4
SPEAKER_00
It s just rhythm.
4
SPEAKER_01
Maybe, maybe.
4
SPEAKER_01
But I feel like a lot of people at raves, they re neurodivergent.
4
SPEAKER_01
And like for me, I have ADHD.
4
SPEAKER_01
And so I like really repetitive stuff.
4
SPEAKER_00
So the repetitive nature, like there s something fulfilling to the sense of OCD that you might have.
4
SPEAKER_01
To ADHD.
4
SPEAKER_00
Something about the repetitive nature fulfills your ADHD.
4
SPEAKER_01
I don t know, man.
4
SPEAKER_00
Willow, before we go, I ll throw a Hail Mary out here before we go.
4
SPEAKER_00
Is there any, if I wanted to make the experience of this phone call the most positive experience for you that it could be, if I wanted to be of any assistance to you in any way, shape, or form, if I wanted you to hang up the phone and be like, you know what, that was worthy of my time to talk to the gecko guy for 20 minutes or however long we ve been talking for, what would that look like?
4
SPEAKER_00
Is there anything else I can do for you before we go?
4
SPEAKER_01
I don t know, I just feel like this was a horrible call.
4
SPEAKER_01
Not on your side, on my side.
4
SPEAKER_00
Why do you feel like this was a horrible call?
4
SPEAKER_01
Because I felt like I was talking about nothing and I was talking about raves too much.
4
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
4
SPEAKER_00
Do you think it would have been a better call if you talked about something horribly depressing?
4
SPEAKER_01
Maybe.
4
SPEAKER_00
I don t think so.
4
SPEAKER_01
No?
4
SPEAKER_00
No, I think this was a good call.
4
SPEAKER_00
I enjoyed having this conversation.
4
SPEAKER_00
I felt very present and engaged the entire time.
4
SPEAKER_01
you
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, is there anything else you wanted to, I m sorry, I couldn t help you with your debt in any better way.
4
SPEAKER_00
I feel like I ve said this three times.
4
SPEAKER_00
I say this on every podcast, but I feel like I m, I m becoming the Dave Ramsey show where like, I m like, all right, let s look at your budget.
4
SPEAKER_00
You know, let s, let s, let s open the books here, but we don t have to do that.
4
SPEAKER_01
I just go with the flow.
4
SPEAKER_01
Everything s for the plot.
4
SPEAKER_01
I ll be fine.
4
SPEAKER_00
I think you will too.
4
SPEAKER_00
Willow, is there anything else you want to say to the people at the computer before we go?
4
SPEAKER_01
I mean, if you re going to fuck around, you re going to find out.
4
SPEAKER_00
Words.
4
SPEAKER_00
If you understand one thing, it should probably be that, I suppose.
4
SPEAKER_01
Hell yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
Take care, Willow.
4
SPEAKER_00
Thank you for calling.
4
SPEAKER_01
Bye.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m going to make my own form of EDM.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m going to call it GDM.
4
SPEAKER_00
Gecko dance music.
4
SPEAKER_00
And it s just going to be a bunch of lizard clicks.
4
SPEAKER_00
Someone make that a beat.
4
SPEAKER_02
Hi.
4
SPEAKER_00
Hi.
4
SPEAKER_00
What s your name?
4
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_02
Um, my name s Donata.
4
SPEAKER_00
Donata?
4
SPEAKER_00
What s up, Donata?
4
SPEAKER_00
I m not gonna make the joke.
4
SPEAKER_02
Thank you.
4
SPEAKER_02
You already made it in Seattle when I was up on stage at your show.
4
SPEAKER_00
Wait, you were on stage at my show?
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, in Seattle, like, I think that was last year.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh shit, I made the joke?
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, you did.
4
SPEAKER_00
What did I say?
4
SPEAKER_02
You were like, oh, um, that s like you re welcome in Spanish or something like that.
4
SPEAKER_02
I get it a bunch of times.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, sorry, that was stupid.
4
SPEAKER_00
What did we talk about on stage?
4
SPEAKER_02
I experienced sober ego death, just realizing I was the problem.
4
SPEAKER_02
I don t know if you remember that at all.
4
SPEAKER_00
Was that this past year or was that 2022?
4
SPEAKER_00
I honestly don t remember.
4
SPEAKER_02
Time is strange.
4
SPEAKER_00
Time is strange.
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, um, I guess if I don t remember, that means that means you re new to me.
4
SPEAKER_00
So good.
4
SPEAKER_00
Nice to see you again or meet you again.
4
SPEAKER_02
Nice to hear from you.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
Well, you talk to a lot of people, so yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
Well Donata, what s up?
4
SPEAKER_00
What do you want to talk about today?
4
SPEAKER_02
Um, I wanted to talk about dying.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
Um, tell me more.
4
SPEAKER_02
Um, like lately I ve just been like trying to make the most of my life, you know, making all the connections that I need.
4
SPEAKER_02
And lately I ve been pretty satisfied.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I ve just thought to myself, like, I can keep going like this and I think I ll be pretty all right.
4
SPEAKER_02
Times will get tough, but like eventually I think I just want to like, I feel like at one point I ll just be like done doing everything that I want to do.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I ll just want to like,
4
SPEAKER_02
die on my own terms, because I d rather do that if I live to be 80 or something, rather than die a horrific death.
4
SPEAKER_00
Interesting.
4
SPEAKER_00
So you re telling me you have this list of everything that you want to do, and you re going to do it, and then you re going to be like, and not in like a, oh, I m so sad, I want to kill myself way, but in like a, you know what?
4
SPEAKER_00
Like in the way that they ended The Office, they were like, we did 12, 14, whatever, how many seasons, you know, every, every, every great show has to have a series finale.
4
SPEAKER_00
Let s check out like that, that kind of, that kind of thing.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
I like saw this documentary of this French woman who chose to like euthanize herself at the age of like 70 something.
4
SPEAKER_02
And she s like, I lived my life.
4
SPEAKER_02
I did everything that I wanted to do.
4
SPEAKER_02
And she died listening to her favorite record, surrounded by her family and people she loved.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I thought that was kind of nice, actually.
4
SPEAKER_02
Like, I d rather go that way than get hit by a car or something like that.
4
SPEAKER_00
Hmm.
4
SPEAKER_00
So, I mean, are you, well, how old are you now?
4
SPEAKER_02
I m 25.
4
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_00
You re 25.
4
SPEAKER_00
You re already thinking about, I mean, Jesus, how much, when, when would you do this?
4
SPEAKER_02
Um, I don t know, maybe when I m 80.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, you know what?
4
SPEAKER_00
I think at 80 years old, you should definitely be allowed to kill yourself.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
Cause like I m chronically ill, like I don t even know if I ll see 80, but like I have a chronic illness and it s like, I d rather, I d rather pass peacefully surrounded by people.
4
SPEAKER_02
I love listening to music.
4
SPEAKER_02
I like, you know, eating good food rather than, you know, like slowly wither away and be shitting myself forever.
4
SPEAKER_02
until I m like 95, you know?
4
SPEAKER_00
Why are you... I m curious, why are you thinking about this so much if it s so far away?
4
SPEAKER_02
I mean, just thinking about death makes me think about the things that I actually care about and want to do.
4
SPEAKER_02
So I m kind of working backwards here, if that makes sense.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it s, um... It s, uh... What is it?
4
SPEAKER_00
It s... It s Memento Mori.
4
SPEAKER_00
You know what that means?
4
SPEAKER_02
Mmm, I ve heard of it, but no.
4
SPEAKER_00
I think it s, well, Latin or some shit.
4
SPEAKER_00
And it s like remembering death.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
Like, every day.
4
SPEAKER_00
Every day you remember that you re gonna die.
4
SPEAKER_00
And it... It beefs ya up.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
To wanna do shit.
4
SPEAKER_00
You know?
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, like, I was listening to your rant, and I thought like, yeah, life is fickle, and you do have some agency over it, so like, might as well go do the shit that you want to do before you get hit by a car or something, or...
4
SPEAKER_02
You know, because you could die any moment.
4
SPEAKER_00
You could die any moment.
4
SPEAKER_02
You could live life to the fullest.
4
SPEAKER_00
You could die any moment and it won t even be fair.
4
SPEAKER_00
You know what I mean?
4
SPEAKER_00
There s no such thing.
4
SPEAKER_00
There s no, um... central arbiter of the universe making sure that everything is fair and cool and good.
4
SPEAKER_00
There is just... um... randomness and chaos.
4
SPEAKER_00
There s no God.
4
SPEAKER_00
Maybe, I don t know.
4
SPEAKER_00
But, um...
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it s all crazy.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s just all craziness.
4
SPEAKER_00
What do you want to do?
4
SPEAKER_02
I m planning on moving into a van and, you know, going across the U.S.
4
SPEAKER_02
and just seeing all the national parks.
4
SPEAKER_02
Go on backpacking trips around the U.S.
4
SPEAKER_02
while I m at it.
4
SPEAKER_02
And then maybe someday go to Europe and then I ll travel to Asia.
4
SPEAKER_02
I specifically want to go to Vietnam because I have family there.
4
SPEAKER_02
You know, just travel, see the world, meet people.
4
SPEAKER_02
And then if I get too old or if my body doesn t let me, I ll probably like buy some land, maybe do some sort of homestead thing.
4
SPEAKER_02
And then I ll have whenever I choose to, like when I m 80 or something, I ll pass away peacefully surrounded by everyone I love.
4
SPEAKER_00
That sounds great.
4
SPEAKER_00
That s the best life plan I ve ever heard from somebody who started a call talking about how they want to kill themselves.
4
SPEAKER_00
Um...
5
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, that s great.
5
SPEAKER_02
I so you want to travel everywhere you want to you re a you got the travel bug.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah Like oh
5
SPEAKER_02
No, I talk about this shit way too much, but I d love to go to Vietnam one day.
5
SPEAKER_02
Really?
5
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I ve always thought about it.
5
SPEAKER_02
I ve never been, but I want to retire there because I ve heard you can just live there off of like a thousand dollars a month.
5
SPEAKER_02
That s probably not true, but that s what I heard.
5
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
5
SPEAKER_01
I don t know how true that is today, but I know the food s really good.
5
SPEAKER_01
I want to eat all the food.
5
SPEAKER_02
Uh, you were asking me something, and I talked over you.
5
SPEAKER_01
Oh, would you ever do the gecko thing in Vietnam?
5
SPEAKER_02
Fuck yeah, I would do the gecko thing in Vietnam.
5
SPEAKER_02
Everywhere I- For the rest of my life, everywhere I go, I m gonna do the gecko thing.
5
SPEAKER_02
Easy.
5
SPEAKER_01
That s awesome.
5
SPEAKER_02
Um... I mean, it s a great way to see places and do stuff.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_02
So how do you wanna do that?
5
SPEAKER_02
You wanna do like a- We re thinking like a shot, we re thinking like- Can- So is it- Is that legal?
5
SPEAKER_02
Is that le- Can you go to a- I ve heard of the death doctor.
5
SPEAKER_02
You know?
5
SPEAKER_01
I honestly don t know.
5
SPEAKER_01
I haven t thought about it that much, but like I think they just like Do it through like IV and you kind of like slowly fade out.
5
SPEAKER_02
I think that s how I d like to do it You know normally I d say it s not healthy to think about How you re gonna kill yourself when you re 80, but I understand the impetus behind it because it gets you fired up to want to do stuff Like it s a weirdly motivating factor Yeah, cuz like
5
SPEAKER_01
I used to be in a position where I didn t find that life was worth living, but I was able to make a lot out of these past few years.
5
SPEAKER_01
I have a really loving, supporting partner, and I ve made a life for myself, and I feel like I have a pretty good relationship with my family now.
5
SPEAKER_01
You know, I got, I ve, I ve made the most of this and I just want to keep going, but it s like, I don t want to, I don t want to end my, like, I don t want my life ending where I m in a place of despair, you know?
5
SPEAKER_02
Do you, how do you feel now?
5
SPEAKER_02
Do you feel despair-y or do you feel whatever the opposite of that word is?
5
SPEAKER_01
Um, happy.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
I m pretty satisfied.
5
SPEAKER_02
Um, what advice do you have for people who feel like who are in a pit of despair?
5
SPEAKER_02
What would you tell them?
5
SPEAKER_01
Um, like it doesn t get better.
5
SPEAKER_01
Like the thing about feelings is that they re only really temporary.
5
SPEAKER_01
And when you deny yourself the ability to feel the feelings that you are feeling right now, genuinely and deeply and wholly, um, you re only gonna like,
5
SPEAKER_01
extend the suffering.
5
SPEAKER_01
Um, you know, just embrace how you re feeling right now.
5
SPEAKER_01
Try to push away the shame and the guilt or whatever you may have, you know.
5
SPEAKER_02
It s like holding in diarrhea.
5
SPEAKER_02
Exactly.
5
SPEAKER_01
You re just going to make yourself sick.
5
SPEAKER_02
Um, well, Donata, is there anything you want to say to the people at the computer before we go?
5
SPEAKER_02
Um,
5
SPEAKER_01
Drink water and go for a walk if you re feeling if you re feeling down.
5
SPEAKER_01
That s it.
5
SPEAKER_02
Thanks, Donata.
5
SPEAKER_01
Thank you.
5
SPEAKER_01
Bye.
5
SPEAKER_02
Bye.
5
SPEAKER_02
Sometimes you just got to do it, man.
5
SPEAKER_02
Sometimes you just got a diarrhea out of your eyes.
5
SPEAKER_02
It s good to cry.
5
SPEAKER_02
I mean, I don t think it s good.
5
SPEAKER_02
I know it s I mean, it s good to cry sometimes.
5
SPEAKER_02
I think if you re crying every single day, I was doing that for a while.
5
SPEAKER_02
Can I say that on the podcast?
5
SPEAKER_02
I m going to say it.
5
SPEAKER_02
I was doing that for and that maybe not every single day.
5
SPEAKER_02
I was crying a lot.
5
SPEAKER_02
trying to cry less i think it s good i think it s good i m i m i m happy that i have done it you know what i mean anytime anything shitty happens like you know like a week of crying or whatever it s good because now every time
5
SPEAKER_02
Because I know in the future life will- I ll have so many more moments where life is sick.
5
SPEAKER_02
You know?
5
SPEAKER_02
And then every time life is sick, I can go... Hey, I remember I was crying, and I thought life was bad for- gonna be bad forever.
5
SPEAKER_02
But look, right now life is sick, and this- and life has- life is sick.
5
SPEAKER_02
further along in the timeline than life sucking.
5
SPEAKER_02
So I have that as proof now.
5
SPEAKER_02
So next time I m crying and life sucks, I can think, well, all right, life sucked before and then got better.
5
SPEAKER_02
So that s how it ll get better again.
5
SPEAKER_02
But then it ll also suck again because I have that data too.
5
SPEAKER_02
And you go through that cycle of life sucking, and then being awesome, and then sucking again, and then you die.
5
SPEAKER_02
So I hope that s motivating.