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When they say, oh, these girls are funny, but are they pretty?
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It s like, no, they are.
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And they re funny.
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So I like girls that are a little lighter on their feet.
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Women.
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You re not even supposed to say women anymore.
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You re supposed to say elderly women.
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You re supposed to say, take it out.
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Sarah, what are you wearing to the Eclipse?
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I think I m gonna wear a giant disco ball.
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Again?
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Yeah, again.
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It s a black tie affair.
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It s the Eclipse in LA and it s a fucking bust because it s not even any darker.
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It s not even anything and everyone s so ramped up like it s Coachella.
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It s 40% clip.
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That s it. 40%.
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Do you want, here s a fun fact.
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The moon, the sun is 400 times larger than the moon, but it s 400 times further from earth.
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And that s why the moon can block it.
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I was just saying that.
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I was thinking it.
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Blocking out the sun.
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I didn t realize my wife was going to be leaving the house.
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That s pretty good.
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Sarah, wait, what was I going to ask you also?
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God dang it.
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Oh, you know what?
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The eclipse feels like the only thing that you can... It s like saying you want to go to the Super Bowl, but you can t watch it.
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You have to look the other way.
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It s like why are people driving the length of the eclipse
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New York, you re supposed to be pitch black by now, according to my calculations.
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Are you not?
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I m like totally confused.
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I feel like, I m afraid to look out the window cause I don t know what I m supposed to see.
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I m also like, is it, didn t like Trump literally stare right into it and he like was fine?
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Of course.
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I think that was the rumor, yeah.
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He just got, he just got, he just got oranger.
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He just got a really tits.
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Millennials tits got bigger.
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We looked at it.
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You know, no, but no, but all kidding aside, it s dangerous.
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I did not know that.
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I think you re not supposed to even look out the window.
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We I m literally looking out the window.
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SPEAKER_03
I ll put on my sunglasses because now you re scaring me.
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SPEAKER_01
Yeah, you can t even you can t even be in your house.
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You shouldn t be in your apartment.
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No, I like you.
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Are you trying to walk with your laptop?
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I m walking.
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Well, I want to find my sunglasses because now you guys are like freaking me out for some reason.
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There you go.
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I feel better.
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Are you safe?
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I m sorry for how big your tie is.
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I feel better now.
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It s my new tie.
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Oh, that s hip.
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That s a little Diane Keatney.
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It s cool, isn t it?
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My friend Celeste, writer on the show, got it for me for my birthday.
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I think ties on women are hot.
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Why?
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Thank you.
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Thank you very much.
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You re welcome.
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Sarah, do you have in your house what I sent you for your birthday?
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Literally, yeah, but my boyfriend s in a meeting in the room where the cookie is.
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No, you don t have to.
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I kept the cookie.
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I didn t eat it.
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You know, Sarah, that was from one of the road gigs we did in my room.
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And I said I had a present for you and I never gave it to you.
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So I kept it that whole time.
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Well, there it is.
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Look at that.
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And look what else he sent me, $10 bill.
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This is your boyfriend?
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You didn t spend it?
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No, I sent that for her birthday.
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This is my boyfriend David Spade.
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Oh, this boyfriend, this surrogate boyfriend in a pinch.
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These are all my, are you in a meeting right now?
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My boyfriend s hard at work.
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Look, these are all the dolls people make of me on tour.
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You do have an eclectic, wow.
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Pee-wee Sherman.
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That s cool.
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No one s making peewee car.
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You have great fans.
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No, I don t know.
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I don t have that many, but they they re they re strong.
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They re small, but mighty.
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Yeah, I just love I just have Garth bobbleheads.
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Can I get one more?
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Can I get five more?
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Ten more.
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Cut it out, dude.
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Fuck you.
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And then they start to fight.
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Just Garth.
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That s it.
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Dana, let s get to the important matter at hand, which is
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One girl on TikTok saying something about SNL girls, and then we all talk about it forever.
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It s pretty funny.
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Yeah.
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Okay, here we go.
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Sarah, give us your strong opinion about it, whatever that is.
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Here s the thing.
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Here s what, wait, let me make sure that my, the human hand is in the background.
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And I ll take my glasses off for this.
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That s important.
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Literally, like, what, what, what is she smoking?
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Like, some of the most beautiful, I can t, what?
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It s like, listen, I m not funny, but I m good looking.
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You know what I mean?
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Like.
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You re right.
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The women that she s taught, like she brings up women who are like,
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literally drop dead, bah, bah, bah, boom, dah, dah, dah, gorgeous.
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And I was mad at myself for tweeting.
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I shouldn t have fucking said fucking anything because she said some shit for attention.
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And then I was sitting on the train.
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Well, I woke up in the morning and everyone texted me.
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I woke up to, none of my friends care if I live or die.
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But then I woke up to like a hundred texts from my friends being like, ha, ha, ha, ha, look at this, LOL.
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And so I was like, LOL means fuck you, by the way, when people text me that they re like, did you see this?
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And you re like, it s not really LOL.
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It s more like I want you to see this.
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SPEAKER_03
Yeah, no, exactly.
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Like one time I woke up to text from my friend.
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There was like a Reddit thread.
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I had like opened for a band in Central Park in 95 degree heat in the summer.
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And then there was like a whole Reddit thread of like teenagers telling me that I m so unfunny that I should literally shoot my own head off.
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And that s what my friends send me.
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My friends don t send me like anything good.
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So like I was sitting on the train just being like, I don t know.
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I just fucking tweeted it.
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And I immediately regretted it because it s like she just want that s what people want.
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They just want attention for one second.
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Yeah.
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It s a tricky one, because if you protest too much, it s sort of like, hey,
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wait a minute, we are good looking, you know?
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I know, and I didn t want it to come across as like defensive or like, and then people thought like I was legitimately upset.
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And I m like, no, I m just, I woke up like ready to say something hilarious about grieving ugly.
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SPEAKER_04
Ugly was maybe the funniest thing I heard last week.
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SPEAKER_04
Yeah, it was so funny.
1
SPEAKER_04
And ugly does not,
1
SPEAKER_04
It s not out there a lot, that word, and I like it.
1
SPEAKER_04
I don t think I ve ever heard it.
1
SPEAKER_04
It s a new word.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s why I did it.
1
SPEAKER_01
I felt compelled to bring a new word into the lexicon, but ultimately I wish I didn t say anything because then it just made it a bigger deal.
1
SPEAKER_04
No, it s great.
1
SPEAKER_04
That s why we re calling you about it.
1
SPEAKER_04
It s totally gone away.
1
SPEAKER_04
That s why we re calling you about it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, also, I m like, this got more attention than it s been, like, every time I tweet, every time I tweet, like, every time I tweet, like, hey, everybody, check out this sketch that I made with my friends.
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SPEAKER_01
I m so proud of it.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s hilarious.
1
SPEAKER_01
It gets, like, two and a half likes.
1
SPEAKER_00
Block, delete, unfollow, report.
1
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, by the way, I just saw Happenstance.
1
SPEAKER_04
I saw, I think there s a delay.
1
SPEAKER_04
I mean, I think I saw Kristen Wiig, her monologue.
1
SPEAKER_04
What a stunner.
1
SPEAKER_04
I mean, just off the top of my head, forget it.
1
SPEAKER_04
And who cares?
1
SPEAKER_04
Already, there s so many combo platters on that show of just really pretty and hilariously funny.
1
SPEAKER_04
Funny is harder.
1
SPEAKER_04
You can t go get surgery to be funnier.
1
SPEAKER_04
I mean, it s really,
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SPEAKER_02
Hey, wait a minute.
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Is it OK for funniness to add to a person s hotness, not just men, but women as well?
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SPEAKER_02
Because women will say, I like a man who s funny, but what about a man who likes women that are funny?
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SPEAKER_02
Yeah, have to be.
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Yeah, that s like Rodney Dangerfield is like the hottest guy who ever lived.
1
SPEAKER_01
Is he was he a looker?
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Yes.
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To me.
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SPEAKER_02
No, you re right, you re right.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, I tell you, I m hot, Johnny.
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SPEAKER_02
I m hot.
1
SPEAKER_02
I tell you, I m hot.
1
SPEAKER_02
All he does is like me.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, so I have not.
1
SPEAKER_02
That s my worst impression.
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I get too much respect, too much respect entirely.
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Every time a photographer sees me, he takes a picture.
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Every time a woman sees me, she takes my pants off.
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SPEAKER_02
I tell you, I get a lot of respect.
1
SPEAKER_02
How does she take your pants off?
1
SPEAKER_02
I mean,
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SPEAKER_04
Oh yeah, Ryan Gosling this week.
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SPEAKER_01
Yeah, do you guys have any pictures for me?
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SPEAKER_02
I have one for, what I think you would be the perfect person to do it.
1
SPEAKER_02
I think Ryan would be the perfect, it s nothing really original.
1
SPEAKER_02
You can go, it s just, you re a scientist and he s like a head, just a disembodied head.
1
SPEAKER_02
She loves it already, she loves it already.
1
SPEAKER_02
And he s a little sarcastic and you start, you kind of abuse him, you just slap him, shut your freaking mouth, you know, that kind of thing.
1
SPEAKER_02
And then he s going to break.
1
SPEAKER_04
You make him laugh.
1
SPEAKER_02
He will have to break.
1
SPEAKER_02
You save the slaps.
1
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They get really hard on air.
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SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
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And he s gonna break.
1
SPEAKER_02
And then you have a two million banger on YouTube.
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SPEAKER_01
Okay, I love this.
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But he s ahead in your assignment.
1
SPEAKER_01
He s a disembodied head and he s mouthing off, right?
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SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
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And you re like, hey, you re like, you shut your, you shut your fucking head.
1
SPEAKER_02
You know, shut your freaking head and you slap him.
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SPEAKER_01
I slap him.
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SPEAKER_02
Every time he gets sassy.
1
SPEAKER_01
And he keeps mouthing off and he keeps going like, how come none of the women on SNL are funny or hot or funny or whatever.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then I go, you keep talking like that, I m gonna sew this head on a chicken s body.
1
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_04
And that s the end, you just got to a frame of that.
1
SPEAKER_02
No, but then he stands up out of the table and he already has a chicken body on.
1
SPEAKER_04
That s funny.
1
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, he comes out of the box at the end of the scene to walk to the next one and he s in a chicken outfit.
1
SPEAKER_04
And you re like, oh, I forgot to do the ending.
1
SPEAKER_02
So anyway, I think you being kind of playfully abusive, he s ahead.
1
SPEAKER_02
So and he s kind of says you make ahead to make the perfect man.
1
SPEAKER_04
And then you re only at the head part.
1
SPEAKER_04
And then he already starts mouthing off.
1
SPEAKER_04
You re like, don t make me come across this laboratory.
1
SPEAKER_04
You stop talking, I m not even done with you yet.
1
SPEAKER_04
And then you go, you know what, I am done with you.
1
SPEAKER_02
I have another one.
1
SPEAKER_02
He plays a guy with a foot fetish.
1
SPEAKER_02
I want to go on right after your monologue.
1
SPEAKER_04
Go ahead.
1
SPEAKER_02
You re on a restaurant with him.
1
SPEAKER_02
He s really a handsome, nice guy, but he has a foot fetish.
1
SPEAKER_02
So he keeps dropping things and going under the table and just going off on your feet.
1
SPEAKER_02
I got nothing.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay, no, no, no, no, no, no, keep going, okay.
1
SPEAKER_01
He has a foot fetish, he keeps dropping things to whatever.
1
SPEAKER_02
So he can just rub your feet, kiss your feet.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then I actually, then, okay, so then I actually start eating with my feet at the table.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yes, this is called running with it.
1
SPEAKER_02
He proposes marriage.
1
SPEAKER_02
Okay, one more.
1
SPEAKER_01
Wait, I have one more pitch on that sketch.
1
SPEAKER_02
I want to hear it.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s your show.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m just trying to help you.
1
SPEAKER_02
I won t be there Saturday.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s a foot fetish restaurant.
1
SPEAKER_01
So there s a waiter who comes and serves you food at the table level, but then there s a foot waiter who serves your feet food at the foot level.
1
SPEAKER_00
Your feet s bombing over here.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, yeah, okay keep going keep going also.
1
SPEAKER_02
I like that.
1
SPEAKER_02
I just thought okay.
1
SPEAKER_04
Go ahead David at the table There s a little slit on his side so you put your foot up right in front of him So when you re sitting there you put your foot straight up and it s right closer to him in the table then he can sit down and kind of kiss it and Then you pull it out
1
SPEAKER_01
What about this, he shows up for the date, nothing s weird, nothing s strange.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then I go to sneeze, I go achoo, reveal my hand is actually a foot, and he likes that.
1
SPEAKER_04
Oh yeah, that s not bad.
1
SPEAKER_01
And my feet are actually hands.
1
SPEAKER_04
Oh, he goes down there and he finds out your feet are hands and then he hates them.
1
SPEAKER_04
And then he goes back up and he goes, oh no, your hands are feet.
1
SPEAKER_02
And there s little faces on the feet and then they all talk.
1
SPEAKER_02
You already did that with the hot dogs or whatever.
1
SPEAKER_04
My ideas are too normal.
1
SPEAKER_02
I have one more that s physical.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s a nightclub.
1
SPEAKER_02
You re going to dance with Ryan Gosling.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, that guy s so good looking, whatever.
1
SPEAKER_02
And he starts dancing.
1
SPEAKER_02
And then just in a little bit of time, he gets real close.
1
SPEAKER_02
And then he starts to strangle you.
1
SPEAKER_02
And you re like, what the fuck?
1
SPEAKER_02
What are you doing?
1
SPEAKER_02
He goes, I m just doing the strangle.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s a dance.
1
SPEAKER_02
Come on, let s go.
1
SPEAKER_02
Let s dance.
1
SPEAKER_02
You go, all right.
1
SPEAKER_02
And then he dances and he starts to strangle you.
1
SPEAKER_02
I have nothing else.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay, love it, love it.
1
SPEAKER_01
I just love it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Love it.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then I start doing the trip.
1
SPEAKER_01
I stick my foot out and he trips over it.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then we both go get like so world famous from the dance moves we invented that like literally I get killed.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then someone goes, that was the other new dance move.
1
SPEAKER_04
All right, mine are more for the Monday meeting that you don t write.
1
SPEAKER_04
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_02
This is fake ones that ll never get produced.
1
SPEAKER_04
Fake ones that just cause there s not, they re not weird enough for Sarah, but they re just sort of stupid.
1
SPEAKER_04
You say it s a, it s a gritty cop show set in new Orleans and you all play gritty cops.
1
SPEAKER_04
And in the Monday morning gritty meeting, everyone has a different new Orleans accent.
1
SPEAKER_04
It s all bad.
1
SPEAKER_04
So everyone says their their accent is wrong.
1
SPEAKER_04
And because I just played New Orleans and I said New Orleans on stage and they go, boo.
1
SPEAKER_04
And I go, would it be worse if I came up here with Nylons?
1
SPEAKER_04
Like I m trying to really blend in.
1
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_04
And then I said, no, is it New Orleans?
1
SPEAKER_04
And they re like, don t say every fucking letter in it.
1
SPEAKER_04
I m like, well, that s what it s spelled.
1
SPEAKER_04
And then that s why I had to go.
1
SPEAKER_04
I had to find a happy medium, go New Orleans.
1
SPEAKER_04
And then there was a couple ways to go with that.
1
SPEAKER_02
No, then you just get it down to ions.
1
SPEAKER_02
Ions.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I m from ions.
1
SPEAKER_02
Even drop the nouns.
1
SPEAKER_04
And someone just goes, does a Chinese accent.
1
SPEAKER_04
And then they re like, you re way off.
1
SPEAKER_01
Do you want to workshop the pitch that I was actually going to do?
1
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, kick it out.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_01
OK.
1
SPEAKER_01
Just tell me if this is good.
1
SPEAKER_01
So maybe everyone thinks that you went blind from the eclipse because you show up to work dressed like me.
1
SPEAKER_01
And you go, oh, I thought all these things matched.
1
SPEAKER_03
That s your excuse?
1
SPEAKER_03
Because you went blind or the peep went blind?
1
SPEAKER_01
No, I m sorry, okay, so I m pitching Ryan Gosling.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m looking like this, okay?
1
SPEAKER_01
And I go, maybe you show up to work dressed like this in the sketch and everyone thinks that you went blind looking at the eclipse because you re off-screen.
1
SPEAKER_02
Because you dressed yourself so poorly, clearly you can t see.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yep, I like it.
1
SPEAKER_01
And clearly the joke was so good that I had to repeat it twice to kind of get the... Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_04
Now, can you orientate me in the room?
1
SPEAKER_04
Where s he sitting during this pitch?
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, I thought the sunglasses were Ray Charles thing.
1
SPEAKER_02
I thought you re going with the sunglasses.
1
SPEAKER_04
No.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, that s good.
1
SPEAKER_04
Here s a Weekend Update bit for you.
1
SPEAKER_04
Ready?
1
SPEAKER_04
You show the weather report.
2
SPEAKER_01
So speaking of eclipses, I have a real beef with the sun right now.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then they go, oh, what s that?
2
SPEAKER_01
And then you go, here s a weather report.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s sunny all week and the sun has sunglasses.
2
SPEAKER_01
And you go, why would the sun have sunglasses?
2
SPEAKER_01
The only thing that doesn t need sunglasses, it s going that way.
2
SPEAKER_01
Does anyone understand me?
2
SPEAKER_01
Why is no one talking about this?
2
SPEAKER_01
Why are we trying to bury these stories?
2
SPEAKER_01
Why am I, do you think I m a, do you think I m a conspiracy theorist?
2
SPEAKER_03
This is fucking classic.
2
SPEAKER_01
All right, well, we got your whole show written.
2
SPEAKER_02
Bowen did the iceberg.
2
SPEAKER_02
And now you have a lot of cast members, things on their head and stuff.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, but yeah, you go out as a son with sunglasses and go, what was everyone s problem?
2
SPEAKER_03
OK, OK, wait, wait, wait.
2
SPEAKER_03
I got one.
2
SPEAKER_03
I got one.
2
SPEAKER_01
No one s going anywhere.
2
SPEAKER_01
Go ahead.
2
SPEAKER_01
OK, we have nothing else to do.
2
SPEAKER_03
Buckle up.
2
SPEAKER_03
Put your helmets on.
2
SPEAKER_03
Put your sunglasses on.
2
SPEAKER_03
You go, the sun from the Teletubbies was played by a baby.
2
SPEAKER_03
Um, I m sorry, doesn t the sun actually pre-exist planet Earth?
2
SPEAKER_03
Why would it be played by a baby?
2
SPEAKER_03
Seems a little young.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, you have a lot of sun facts.
2
SPEAKER_01
You go, Colin, I ll hit you with another one.
2
SPEAKER_01
I mean, you re fucking reeling from this one, but guess what?
2
SPEAKER_01
Why does the sun wear sunglasses?
2
SPEAKER_01
You go, there s a lot of things that people aren t talking about right now.
2
SPEAKER_01
And there s a lot of things that are, everyone s sweeping under the rug.
2
SPEAKER_01
The eclipse really, the sun doesn t do jack shit, to be honest.
2
SPEAKER_01
The moon does all the work.
2
SPEAKER_02
Does the sun know it s been eclipsed and does it care?
2
SPEAKER_01
Is it offended?
2
SPEAKER_01
Is it?
2
SPEAKER_01
Profiling?
2
SPEAKER_01
What is it?
2
SPEAKER_02
You just do a New York accent as the sun, you know?
2
SPEAKER_02
I didn t even know what was going on.
2
SPEAKER_02
I can t even see you guys.
2
SPEAKER_02
What?
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, you have a question?
2
SPEAKER_02
Sarah, Sarah.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m raising my hand.
2
SPEAKER_02
Go ahead.
2
SPEAKER_03
OK, so I know the earth is flat, but is the sun?
2
SPEAKER_03
I mean, she s got the big knockers.
2
SPEAKER_03
She couldn t possibly be.
2
What knockers?
2
What?
2
SPEAKER_02
No, I know where you re going.
2
SPEAKER_02
I get it.
2
SPEAKER_02
The sun is stacked.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
Stacked.
2
SPEAKER_02
When does stacked go out?
2
SPEAKER_02
She s really stacked.
2
SPEAKER_02
Is that 1968 or something?
2
SPEAKER_01
What happened to bazongas?
2
SPEAKER_03
I think people just say big tits or boobs.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, it s lazy.
2
SPEAKER_03
People call them boobs.
2
SPEAKER_03
It is.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s lazy offensiveness.
2
SPEAKER_03
My mom and my grandma, my aunt, called them bubbies.
2
SPEAKER_01
Bubbies.
2
SPEAKER_03
Like when I turned 15, I grew bubbies.
2
SPEAKER_01
Let s look at a clip.
2
SPEAKER_01
How about this?
2
SPEAKER_01
Ryan Gosling is Hunter Biden.
2
SPEAKER_01
He looks like him kind of, in a hot tub doing a talk show from a hot tub.
2
SPEAKER_01
And he has strippers in the tub with him and the guests have to come in the water with him.
2
SPEAKER_02
And then you guys all- They have to smoke crack.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
I mean, what do you guys have there?
2
SPEAKER_02
It s physical and silly.
2
SPEAKER_02
You want Ryan to be ridiculous.
2
SPEAKER_01
Ryan is good looking.
2
SPEAKER_01
What if it s Barbie and Ken in the future and they run into each other and it s going south for one of them?
2
SPEAKER_02
You think it ll be open to Barbie and Ken stuff?
2
SPEAKER_02
It better be.
2
SPEAKER_01
He s like, please, let s not talk about the most obvious thing in the world.
2
SPEAKER_03
You know what s funny about Dana s pitch about making him break?
2
SPEAKER_03
It just made me think like, it s so funny.
2
SPEAKER_03
Like anytime a host is like, oh my God, I love this sketch.
2
SPEAKER_03
Like, I don t know how I m gonna be able to do it with a straight face.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m like totally gonna break.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s like always when they never break.
2
SPEAKER_01
And they cut it quietly after dress.
2
SPEAKER_02
Their expectations are so high and they don t realize they re gonna do it six times before air.
2
SPEAKER_02
That s why this one has a secret Easter egg that you ll do these little slaps all week and then they ll get, and on the air show, it s a little Chris Farley.
2
SPEAKER_01
You bring out a two by four.
2
SPEAKER_02
And you really slap him too hard and in the audience he knows it and he s like, gotta break him.
2
SPEAKER_01
He s right in the middle of one of his lines.
2
SPEAKER_02
Or you start making out with him.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
At the end, that s it.
2
SPEAKER_02
You say, oh, to hell with it.
2
SPEAKER_02
I m sorry.
2
SPEAKER_02
Excuse me.
2
SPEAKER_02
Damn it.
2
SPEAKER_02
I m in love with you.
2
SPEAKER_02
And then you just grab his head and start forcing kissing him.
2
SPEAKER_01
There you go.
2
SPEAKER_01
You go.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m changing this.
2
SPEAKER_01
You don t see that coming.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m just going to make out with you for 10 minutes.
2
SPEAKER_02
Come here, you head!
2
SPEAKER_02
I m in love with you, head.
2
SPEAKER_02
And then you start making out with me.
2
SPEAKER_01
We have to let Sarah go to go to her laundry.
2
SPEAKER_01
So let s, we have one advice question that we do on the show.
2
SPEAKER_01
Someone we don t know asking for advice.
2
SPEAKER_01
Will you just stay and help answer?
2
SPEAKER_01
It ll take you five seconds.
2
SPEAKER_01
Okay, this is a question.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh, he s a younger guy.
2
SPEAKER_03
Let me put my glasses on.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, you should.
2
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_01
He might sneak in an eclipse.
2
SPEAKER_00
Hi, Dana and David.
2
SPEAKER_00
I need advice.
2
SPEAKER_00
I am getting married soon.
2
SPEAKER_00
I ll be 21 at my wedding.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I ll say I m 21 now.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, whoa.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I need to know how to keep my wife thinking that I m funny forever.
2
SPEAKER_00
Because she thinks I m funny now.
2
SPEAKER_00
And that s one of the major things I have going for me.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I d appreciate your feedback.
2
SPEAKER_00
And thank you.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s a good question, Sarah.
2
SPEAKER_03
As someone who s never made a host break, hmm, let me think, let me think.
2
SPEAKER_03
How do you stay funny?
2
SPEAKER_03
How do you stay funny from rehearsal to, from run through to dress to air?
2
SPEAKER_03
How do you stay funny through 50 years of marriage?
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I can t stay funny from read through.
2
SPEAKER_01
I was kind of surprised.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, you re right.
2
SPEAKER_02
You only want to be just as funny to keep the sketch moving through the machine to get to air, but you never, you want to make sure on air for Ryan,
2
SPEAKER_02
It s all different.
2
SPEAKER_02
This thing, unfortunately, is coming out Friday.
2
SPEAKER_02
So if you actually go with this sketch, we ll cut this from our podcast and show it on the follow.
2
SPEAKER_02
Because it will ruin everything if you want to do it.
2
SPEAKER_02
I know that you and maybe Dan would do something.
2
SPEAKER_02
You know, you would do your thing with it.
2
SPEAKER_01
You can take any nugget.
2
SPEAKER_02
Just Ryan s head with you.
2
SPEAKER_02
Control.
2
SPEAKER_02
Ryan is ahead and you as the scientist.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then we break the fourth wall and all the cast members walk in and just make out with him while he s stuck there during the sketch.
2
SPEAKER_01
And maybe a few contest winners.
2
SPEAKER_02
Before Sarah goes, I want to do a five second impression.
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, we really dumped this kid off, didn t we?
2
SPEAKER_02
This advice, I think that s... No, I said alimentum surprise.
2
SPEAKER_02
Oh, well, I would say I ve been married for multiple decades and I m funnier to my wife now than I was before because you get just sillier.
2
SPEAKER_02
I would say don t worry about it.
2
SPEAKER_02
If you truly have a funny aspect to you, it s like gum on your shoe.
2
SPEAKER_02
Did you ever go through phases?
2
SPEAKER_02
You re like, I don t know how to do this.
2
SPEAKER_02
You can t get rid of it.
2
SPEAKER_02
So if he s truly funny,
2
SPEAKER_02
He ll be fine.
2
SPEAKER_02
That s my honest advice.
2
SPEAKER_03
I agree with Dana.
2
SPEAKER_03
If you, if you have the sauce, you have the sauce girl.
2
SPEAKER_03
If you don t have the sauce and you don t have the sauce.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
And if you, and people always worry about, will my partner get unattractive over time?
2
SPEAKER_01
It s like this guy s worrying, will I not be funny over time?
2
SPEAKER_01
It s a good thing to think about.
2
SPEAKER_01
Cause he wants to be attractive to his partner by being fun and funny.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I think if you,
2
SPEAKER_01
want to, you re always trying to, you ve turned up a few percentages for someone you re with because it s fun with them, you have a good back and forth.
2
SPEAKER_02
I like that Sarah referred to him as girl, just affectionately.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s very British.
2
SPEAKER_02
You listen to me, girl, you know?
2
SPEAKER_02
You re funny.
2
SPEAKER_03
You listen to me, bird.
2
SPEAKER_02
This little girl.
2
SPEAKER_02
Okay, here s, if there s an aftershock today at the read-through meeting, this is Lord Michaels.
2
SPEAKER_02
Sarah, do you have anything for Ryan?
2
SPEAKER_01
Interesting.
2
SPEAKER_01
There s a tremor.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s a little bit of a tremor.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s that thing of like, everybody go find a desk.
2
SPEAKER_02
Well, there s only one desk.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s going down again.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s awesome.
2
SPEAKER_03
Here s my, here s my impression of the, they re recording the intros during the aftershock.
2
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_03
She s scared.
2
SPEAKER_03
And your host, Ryan Gosling.
2
SPEAKER_02
Here s Lauren.
2
SPEAKER_02
That s it.
2
SPEAKER_02
What the fuck?
2
SPEAKER_01
That s mine.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s mine.
2
SPEAKER_02
Just mine is a quick one.
2
SPEAKER_01
Sarah, jump on me and save me from breaking my bones.
2
SPEAKER_01
Jump.
2
SPEAKER_01
You should jump and tackle him and go, Lorne, are you okay?
2
SPEAKER_01
And he goes, Sarah, nothing s wrong.
2
SPEAKER_01
And you go, thought I heard a tremor.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then you just show your loyalty.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, as an excuse to attack him.
2
SPEAKER_01
Okay, we ll let her go.
2
SPEAKER_01
You ve got to go right with Bula.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
Bula, Bula.
2
SPEAKER_01
All right.
2
SPEAKER_01
Bula.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
Bula, Bula.
2
SPEAKER_01
All right.
2
SPEAKER_03
Can you text him for me and tell him I ll be a bit late?
2
SPEAKER_03
Because of us?
2
SPEAKER_01
Because of our shenanigans?
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
When they say, oh, these girls are funny, but are they pretty?
2
SPEAKER_01
It s like, no, they are.
2
SPEAKER_01
And they re funny.
2
SPEAKER_01
So it s more going on, which is always nice.
2
SPEAKER_01
I like girls that are a little
3
SPEAKER_00
lighter on their feet.
3
SPEAKER_00
Women.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, I m supposed to say women anymore.
3
SPEAKER_00
You re supposed to say elderly women.
3
SPEAKER_01
Well, my sister, who s supposed to say she s she says stuff like you got to admit.
3
SPEAKER_01
Sorry, I can t hear you.
3
SPEAKER_00
I said take it out because it just sounds I was trying to do a stupid joke.
3
SPEAKER_00
It sounds bad.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, sorry.
3
SPEAKER_01
It was.
3
SPEAKER_01
Go ahead, bud.
3
SPEAKER_01
My sister always says, and she s in her 60s, she said about Ryan Gosling, she always says, you gotta admit he s really good looking.
3
SPEAKER_01
Just a funny figure of speech in the beginning.
3
SPEAKER_01
She goes, you gotta admit, Dane, he s really good looking.
3
SPEAKER_00
You gotta admit, I mean, no one can admit it.
3
SPEAKER_01
You gotta admit, I mean, well, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
I said on the podcast or somewhere, when people say,
3
SPEAKER_00
you re actually kind of cute.
3
SPEAKER_00
The actually is in all caps.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so I would say it now when people DM me, if they want attention, they go, you re actually kind of hot.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then I go, oh, this is like a thing that I said.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then I m supposed to go, oh, arf, arf, am I really?
3
SPEAKER_00
Your hair looks good today.
3
SPEAKER_00
I know.
3
SPEAKER_00
I know, you said I know so fast.
3
SPEAKER_01
Did I, did I mutter I know?
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I think you did cause you re saying I know to something else.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I said, your hair looks good.
3
SPEAKER_00
Right when you said that.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, well I have a protocol.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s pretty consistent call.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s what your hair care system is called.
3
SPEAKER_00
Dana Carvey s protocol.
3
SPEAKER_00
Color looks good.
3
SPEAKER_01
Well, once I got, once I got rid of the bangs, I mean, the bangs, you have to arrange them and do all this work with bangs.
3
SPEAKER_01
No, bangs are- And then once you just went back like that, then it s like, okay, hello, Sally.
3
SPEAKER_00
By the way, I think in all my dating experience, no girl s ever said, I m looking for a guy with bangs.
3
SPEAKER_00
Bangs is sort of a... Oh, you are?
3
SPEAKER_01
I know, but Paul McCartney kind of has bangs.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know, Jeff Beck, God rest his soul, had bangs.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, bangs.
3
SPEAKER_00
Jagger has bangs.
3
SPEAKER_00
Maybe they re back.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_00
I sort of like them.
3
SPEAKER_00
Well, long hair.
3
SPEAKER_00
Let me tell you what s going on briefly.
3
SPEAKER_00
When I m in traffic, and this is...
3
SPEAKER_00
not even funny, because I have such a bad temper.
3
SPEAKER_00
When I m in traffic, and you might think of this, when I let someone in, my precious spot in traffic, when they re trying to merge, and they don t wave to me, you re lucky I don t have a gun in the car, because I, you have, what happened to waving?
3
SPEAKER_00
No one gives, I do it all the time, I go, hey man, just to diffuse being gunned down, because I know how infuriating it is.
3
SPEAKER_00
So I go, hey man, I even go, with the window,
3
SPEAKER_00
and get a little out there, because I want them to know, okay, you know, because I know it makes me so mad.
3
SPEAKER_00
I ll follow them if they don t wave, waiting for a wave, minimum 100 miles.
3
SPEAKER_00
Going, I m sure you forgot, but I m here whenever you re ready.
3
SPEAKER_00
and they don t care.
3
SPEAKER_01
All right.
3
SPEAKER_01
I like to hear about your etiquette.
3
SPEAKER_01
Here s a question for you on receiving or the attack mode.
3
SPEAKER_01
You re at a stoplight.
3
SPEAKER_01
There s a car in front of you.
3
SPEAKER_01
It turns green.
3
SPEAKER_01
They don t start moving.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know they re checking their phone.
3
SPEAKER_01
When do you blast on the horn?
3
SPEAKER_01
One second, two second, give them three seconds.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then sometimes you blast them, right?
3
SPEAKER_01
And then they flip you off.
3
SPEAKER_01
Now what?
3
SPEAKER_01
Even though you re just reminding them to get the fuck- Now you re stuck.
3
SPEAKER_00
Because are you a pussy?
3
SPEAKER_00
Do you do anything?
3
SPEAKER_00
Do you just eat it?
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Or do you have to ram them?
3
SPEAKER_01
What about when you re on the phone and then you realize you look up and it s green and it didn t move?
3
SPEAKER_00
Well, in LA, people don t know this.
3
SPEAKER_00
You have to time out your beep when it turns green.
3
SPEAKER_00
So it goes, green!
3
SPEAKER_00
Because people are like, fuck, I literally, it hit my eye that it s green.
3
SPEAKER_00
And now I m going and I took too long.
3
SPEAKER_00
Guess it, guess it.
3
SPEAKER_01
Well, I have a horn setting that it ramps up.
3
SPEAKER_01
So even when it s red, it s starting to rumble.
3
SPEAKER_01
Me, and then finally, me.
3
SPEAKER_01
Me.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yes, me.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s it s a digital thing.
3
SPEAKER_00
Listen, how about this?
3
SPEAKER_00
Hello, sharks.
3
SPEAKER_00
Why don t we have a horn that s a friendly one, like a little thing on top of it that goes, meep.
3
SPEAKER_00
That just means, come on, just letting you know.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s time to go.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, it s not a full... You know, like... By the way, in a non-related story, my land cruiser has the pussiest beep.
3
SPEAKER_00
It goes like this.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it s so... When I m so mad, I go... You almost can t hear it.
3
SPEAKER_00
Dogs are like this.
3
SPEAKER_00
So that s why I want to switch the horn to like...
3
SPEAKER_00
I really want it to be angry.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like people go, oh shit, I did something wrong.
3
SPEAKER_01
I ve never, I don t use the horn.
3
SPEAKER_01
I just roll down the window.
3
SPEAKER_01
Egg, move it, fat face.
3
SPEAKER_00
You don t say fat fuck.
3
SPEAKER_00
I like fat face.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t want to swear on this podcast.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I know.
3
SPEAKER_00
I ll take care of that.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_00
Move on.
3
SPEAKER_00
What s our first story.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then we ll get off the phone because we re already long.
3
SPEAKER_00
First story is about.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_00
Here it comes.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, what is this, massive?
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, Dana, remember I was saying it took a turn the other day?
3
SPEAKER_00
Right.
3
SPEAKER_00
That actually doesn t have anything to do with this.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is just another boat where all the power went out.
3
SPEAKER_00
It didn t do anything, but maybe there s something to it.
3
SPEAKER_00
they lost control of their ship again.
3
SPEAKER_00
So maybe that is someone electrically, and I don t wanna talk too much lingo here, someone electrically through the protons.
3
SPEAKER_01
I gotcha, a force field, someone from another country.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, someone can shut off your power, and then it makes you, you re gonna crash into something eventually.
3
SPEAKER_00
All right, is there anything to that?
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, look at how low I am in the screen.
3
SPEAKER_00
There I go.
3
SPEAKER_00
So yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m kind of interested.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s definitely interesting.
3
SPEAKER_01
That happened twice.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_01
Well, I need a lot more information to have an opinion.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay, I m just giving you this.
3
SPEAKER_00
Now we ll go to the 99 cent store one.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s a really, this is a hard hitting story.
3
SPEAKER_00
I love 99 cent stores.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_00
Even if I m on a budget, I ll pass them.
3
SPEAKER_00
And if you wait long enough, you ll hit a 98 cent store.
3
SPEAKER_00
So it s smart.
3
SPEAKER_00
But these 99 cent stores were everywhere and they re all closing.
3
SPEAKER_00
And you know what I saw on one, Dana?
3
SPEAKER_00
The weirdest thing I saw was the early pregnancy test.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is for a girl in a regular pharmacy going, I think I m pregnant, but I m not spending more than a buck to find out.
3
SPEAKER_00
I ll just wait.
3
SPEAKER_00
It ll figure itself out.
3
SPEAKER_01
Well, I don t like the 99 cent store because I loaded up on the dollar store stock.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, you did?
3
SPEAKER_01
And then 99 cent came in and completely obliterated the dollar stores.
3
SPEAKER_01
At least half of them closed within a week.
3
SPEAKER_01
And there s rumors of a 98 cent store, but I don t know if it s true.
3
SPEAKER_01
Are people waiting for a 98 cent store?
3
SPEAKER_00
They re sitting on their cash going at dollars too much?
3
SPEAKER_01
I just want to remind the audience these are not pre-planned bits.
3
SPEAKER_00
These are not written by professional writers for weeks.
3
SPEAKER_00
These are just... Yeah, I did not... Yes.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, so I m kind of sad because this is... I think a lot of people go to these
3
SPEAKER_00
including me and dollar store, it s just good to have.
3
SPEAKER_00
I mean, let s be honest, not one thing in there is 99 cents.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think we sort of gave that up a while ago, but it s still, it s less expensive.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I don t know if I need that.
3
SPEAKER_01
It just sounds good.
3
SPEAKER_01
Do you remember Motel 6?
3
SPEAKER_01
Did you have those where you grew up?
3
SPEAKER_00
Was that $6?
3
SPEAKER_01
It was, yeah, $5.95 when we were driving to Montana, seven of us in a station wagon.
3
SPEAKER_01
Motel six, it was $6.
3
SPEAKER_00
I didn t know that for sure.
3
SPEAKER_00
We did not know what that meant.
3
SPEAKER_00
I did not.
3
SPEAKER_00
I thought it meant six.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_00
It was $6.
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t know when it went to $600, but yeah, look it up.
3
SPEAKER_00
Because I stay at the Four Seasons, $9,000, and I didn t know what that meant.
3
SPEAKER_00
till I just got my room.
3
SPEAKER_01
Well, the bar of soap was about this big in the Motel 6, and the towel was like this big, and the bed was like this big.
3
SPEAKER_01
It was really good for tiny people, but yeah, it was pretty low.
3
SPEAKER_01
But it had TV, you know, when I got my call.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is kind of a lie, but when I got my call about SNL, I was home at Easter, and I just started staying in hotels, and I stayed at a Motel 6, and I got the call in the room, in the one on Scottsdale Road, and the bigger story is I should have been staying at home, but my mom gets up at 4.30, and she starts clanking pans, and I m on the couch, so I said, I m gonna treat myself to a Motel 6.
3
SPEAKER_00
And that has a strong memory for me of writing down the Ken Aemong deal of whatever I was going to do for four shows at the end of the season.
3
SPEAKER_00
Great story.
3
SPEAKER_00
Everyone just went to sleep.
3
SPEAKER_00
We spiked down.
4
SPEAKER_00
it with no money.
4
SPEAKER_00
That guy.
4
SPEAKER_01
This is a weird story.
4
SPEAKER_01
You know, Canadian.
4
SPEAKER_00
I have not.
4
SPEAKER_00
I have not seen.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yes, I saw this and I just sent this in.
4
SPEAKER_01
Canadian man is two healthy fingers amputated because he identifies as disabled.
4
SPEAKER_01
Now.
4
SPEAKER_01
This has to offend disabled people.
4
SPEAKER_01
I mean, this just seeing it.
4
SPEAKER_01
It looks like a little bit of that Joder, you know, when you like this, but I don t think that s what he s going for.
4
SPEAKER_01
Why would a surgeon do it?
4
SPEAKER_01
Who would do it?
4
SPEAKER_01
Right?
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
I mean, it s his wishes.
4
SPEAKER_01
I have no take.
4
SPEAKER_01
I have no take other than I m perplexed.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
All right, young man, let s see if we have gangrene or some kind of infection on these digits.
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, they re perfectly healthy.
4
SPEAKER_00
They re perfect.
4
SPEAKER_00
Cut them anyway, Doc.
4
SPEAKER_00
What?
4
SPEAKER_00
I said, cut them.
4
SPEAKER_00
He s got like a junior John Wayne.
4
SPEAKER_00
Slice them, slice them good, but there s nothing wrong with them.
4
SPEAKER_00
I identify as fingerless, bitch.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, my God, doctor.
4
SPEAKER_01
David, I would say just go to 4th of July and try to not get your fingers blown off with firecrackers for about three times.
4
SPEAKER_01
And the third one, it ll probably happen anyway.
4
SPEAKER_01
This is what happens to people.
4
SPEAKER_01
And they re sad all their lives because of fireworks.
4
SPEAKER_01
But I don t know.
4
SPEAKER_01
I just this just struck me as a story I thought was maybe it s not real.
4
SPEAKER_01
If this is, let us know people, if this is real or not.
4
SPEAKER_00
Maybe it s one of those fake.
4
SPEAKER_00
We d have to know if it s, unless it s someone trying to kind of make a joke on how far it can sort of, you know, let this go or something.
4
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
4
SPEAKER_01
I agree with you.
4
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
4
SPEAKER_00
Should we ask the peanut gallery?
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, peanut gallery.
4
SPEAKER_01
Tell us on YouTube comments.
4
SPEAKER_01
I read those comments.
4
SPEAKER_01
Dana, they re quite surprisingly positive.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, this is funny.
4
SPEAKER_00
All right.
4
SPEAKER_01
This is funny because we were talking last week about the crime.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I think I mumbled, where s Charles Bronson in Death Wish?
4
SPEAKER_01
That old movie where he would fight crime.
4
SPEAKER_01
So someone made all these posters up from different things we said on the show.
4
SPEAKER_01
This is just one of them.
4
SPEAKER_01
Isn t that funny?
4
SPEAKER_00
And you know, it s done by A.I.
4
SPEAKER_00
I mean, he s literally talking into a... Oh, maybe someone did that and said, make me a poster.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, maybe.
4
SPEAKER_01
But I can t remember.
4
SPEAKER_00
To the A.I.
4
SPEAKER_00
or because it s so good.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it doesn t matter.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, A.I.
4
SPEAKER_00
is here, man.
4
SPEAKER_01
That s like my head shot from like Ember s new groove or something, but I don t care.
4
SPEAKER_01
I ll take it.
4
SPEAKER_01
I like it.
4
SPEAKER_01
I think it s funny.
4
SPEAKER_01
And... Well, if they put you in an action film, they d make you look like that.
4
SPEAKER_01
I ll give you a long hair.
4
SPEAKER_01
He s tired of everything but his blow dryer.
4
SPEAKER_01
Am I holding a balloon or is that a street lamp?
4
SPEAKER_00
That s a street lamp, but it looks like, the AI made it look like it s a balloon.
4
SPEAKER_01
Goddamn.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
Okay, well, I m on the move.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s cool.
4
SPEAKER_01
Okay, what s next?
4
SPEAKER_01
I like that one.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, this is a story I want to tell you what you thought of this.
4
SPEAKER_01
So Shohei Otani joined this is now sports.
4
SPEAKER_01
He he is on the Dodgers now.
4
SPEAKER_01
And he Yes.
4
SPEAKER_01
And he
4
SPEAKER_01
Got his first home run.
4
SPEAKER_00
Got $700 million deal.
4
SPEAKER_00
He s the best player in baseball.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, best player in baseball.
4
SPEAKER_00
From Japan.
4
SPEAKER_00
By far.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
He s from Japan.
4
SPEAKER_01
He, Shohei Otani, he hits a home run.
4
SPEAKER_01
Someone catches it.
4
SPEAKER_01
I think he and his wife, they immediately get security and scuttle them downstairs, right?
4
SPEAKER_01
They hustle them underneath and they say, hey, Shohei would like that ball, so we re gonna give you like a bat and a glove.
4
SPEAKER_01
And they said, maybe we would just keep it.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s worth a lot.
4
SPEAKER_01
And they said, no, we won t authenticate it if you do.
4
SPEAKER_01
So before you leave here, you tell us right now, what are you gonna do?
4
SPEAKER_01
So they could even consult with him.
4
SPEAKER_01
It was a little bit of bullying, I feel, because they wound up getting a little bit of merch.
4
SPEAKER_01
And then they talked to a baseball collector and he said, oh, that s immediately worth 50 to $100,000 right away.
4
SPEAKER_01
if they wanted to sell it.
4
SPEAKER_00
And why is it worth so much?
4
SPEAKER_00
It s his first home run as a Dodger player.
4
SPEAKER_00
Was that why it s worth so much?
4
SPEAKER_00
Because he s hit hundreds of them, I guess.
4
SPEAKER_01
Well, it s his new team and his new deal and his first home run.
4
SPEAKER_01
And first is always a big deal.
4
SPEAKER_00
What did they end up doing?
4
SPEAKER_01
I think they got a bat and like they gave him some like popcorn and a piñata.
4
SPEAKER_01
It was something stupid.
4
SPEAKER_01
And then they I think they said when they left, they just gave it to someone because so many people were following them.
4
SPEAKER_01
on the way out, like, what did you get?
4
SPEAKER_01
And I think they got nervous and gave it away.
4
SPEAKER_00
This is part of, this is probably a lie, but that s- Well, they re on the Jumbotron, so everyone would have seen them, right?
4
SPEAKER_00
So they ve been tagged.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, they could, and people are drinking, going out through the tunnel.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
Their lives could have been- And they were sitting with Fernando Valenzuela.
4
SPEAKER_01
Do you know who that is?
4
SPEAKER_01
He was an old Dodgers pitcher that was sort of a legend.
4
SPEAKER_01
And they wouldn t let him in the room or sit next to them to help them figure out what to do.
4
SPEAKER_01
So all of it was just sounding a little shady, like we re not gonna authenticate it, so you can t sell it, so just give it.
4
SPEAKER_01
Everything was pointing towards just give it.
4
SPEAKER_01
And they didn t get to think.
4
SPEAKER_01
All right, that s a riveting story.
4
SPEAKER_01
Okay, cracks are back, Dana.
4
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_01
I know you ve been saying this forever.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
4
SPEAKER_01
We ve come a long way.
4
SPEAKER_00
I think Chris sent me this.
4
SPEAKER_01
Chris, did you send this in?
4
SPEAKER_00
Cracks.
4
SPEAKER_00
If you want to do Johnny Carson, say cracks are back.
4
SPEAKER_00
It is the perfect phrase.
4
SPEAKER_00
That s an easy one, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
Have you heard the news about cracks?
4
SPEAKER_01
Cracks are back.
4
SPEAKER_01
Not to be confused with Cracker Jacks.
4
SPEAKER_00
I know, it sounds like I want a Cracker Backer for whatever.
4
SPEAKER_01
Those dresses are what I d wear to a chiropractor to say, what does my spine look like?
4
SPEAKER_01
I gave you a clear view.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, you could get a masseuse and just unlace it, get the massage and lace it back up.
4
SPEAKER_00
There s a lot of practical things going on with this look.
4
SPEAKER_01
When you go into Saks Fifth Avenue, you go, I m trying to show my cocks in a dress.
4
SPEAKER_00
So can you dress me so I- Excuse me, is this cracks Fifth Avenue?
4
SPEAKER_01
I m addicted to cracks.
4
SPEAKER_00
A pun is always fun.
4
SPEAKER_01
So can you put this something?
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
So listen,
4
SPEAKER_01
I think we spent some years trying to cover up the bodies, then we don t cover them up, then we cover them up again.
4
SPEAKER_01
So it just goes in a flowing fashion rollercoaster, right?
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, I was around for the peak of the feminist movement.
4
SPEAKER_00
The biggest story of the 1970s was the feminist movement, not Vietnam, not Watergate.
4
SPEAKER_00
It was a huge movement.
4
SPEAKER_00
Gloria Steinem was
4
SPEAKER_00
one of the leaders of it.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I just think putting her in a time machine 35 years later, thinking women equality, they re not going to be objectified.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then crack sharp back.
4
SPEAKER_01
She s like, oh, boy.
4
SPEAKER_00
Screaming.
4
SPEAKER_00
Why?
4
SPEAKER_00
Why?
4
SPEAKER_00
Why?
4
SPEAKER_00
Why?
4
SPEAKER_00
It s like Heston in Planet of the Apes seeing the Statue of Liberty.
4
SPEAKER_00
Why?
4
God, why?
4
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
4
SPEAKER_01
Nicholas Cage says that, too, doesn t he?
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, that s what I said, that he is a horse whisperer to the Biden staff.
4
SPEAKER_00
When Biden starts wandering around the stage and mumbling, and they have so much anxiety, they bring Nicolas Cage in just to release the stress.
4
SPEAKER_00
So he s off script.
4
SPEAKER_00
He s wandering around.
4
SPEAKER_00
Nicolas Cage goes, OK, why, God, why?
4
SPEAKER_00
And it calms him down.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, it does?
4
SPEAKER_01
OK, that s good.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it calms him down.
4
SPEAKER_00
All right, show quickly.
4
SPEAKER_00
There s one back.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m not disappointed.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m not disappointed.
4
SPEAKER_00
Show the trash one there.
4
SPEAKER_01
By the way, while we re waiting for that, Dana, look, here s.
4
SPEAKER_01
Dana White sent me a little meteor and I put it in a little Joder wagon.
4
SPEAKER_01
With my Lego Joder that I got from Disneyland.
4
SPEAKER_01
Why?
4
SPEAKER_01
No, I went to Legoland and they go, hey, oh, we knew you re coming.
4
SPEAKER_01
We made you a Lego Joder.
4
SPEAKER_01
Isn t that hot?
4
SPEAKER_01
It s got a mop.
4
SPEAKER_00
God, on this podcast, you ve got movie posters, you ve got you ve got gifts from Lego.
4
SPEAKER_00
It is kind of it s it s quite something.
4
SPEAKER_00
When do I get a ham sandwich?
4
SPEAKER_01
There you go.
4
SPEAKER_00
So I got a gift.
4
SPEAKER_00
I got a honeydew.
4
SPEAKER_00
Clean the kitchen.
4
SPEAKER_00
I got a new Hobart.
4
SPEAKER_00
That s not you.
4
SPEAKER_00
I was new.
4
SPEAKER_01
OK, what is this story?
4
SPEAKER_01
Do you know what the story is?
4
SPEAKER_01
Can you guess?
4
SPEAKER_00
I m trying to read it, disguised as trash bag, a package from home.
4
SPEAKER_01
Is that the- A guy steals like a porch pirate.
4
SPEAKER_01
It was cut off, but this guy dressed like a trash bag and walked up quietly to someone s porch and put it over the package and then stole it and went back out to the street.
4
SPEAKER_01
Isn t that kind of cool?
4
SPEAKER_01
Dana s floored by the it s well
5
SPEAKER_03
Wait, say that one more time.
5
SPEAKER_00
So he puts on a costume of a garbage bag.
5
SPEAKER_00
That s him.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s a suit, right?
5
SPEAKER_00
And then he just goes like a cartoon and he comes up and then he puts it over.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
And picks it up and he goes, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
5
SPEAKER_00
And everyone s like, is that trash?
5
SPEAKER_00
So they looked at the ring footage and it just a trash bag goes up the sidewalk and then goes back down.
5
SPEAKER_00
And they call it.
5
SPEAKER_03
So he just what does he see the footage and then laughs his ass off or what?
5
SPEAKER_00
What s the joy of a guy that is in the house getting his shit stolen, said where to go and played it back.
5
SPEAKER_00
And he saw the trash bag stealing.
5
SPEAKER_00
Right.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
The guy stealing it, steal the package.
5
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
5
SPEAKER_03
Cause I didn t, I didn t see the whole byline.
5
SPEAKER_03
So it s a thief who s disguised as a trash bag and just creeps up, steals the package and creeps away.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
5
SPEAKER_00
And that s a new, interesting way to steal.
5
SPEAKER_03
Well, this is, here s the, here s, here s my hot take.
5
SPEAKER_03
If he s that clever, he probably can make a lot of more money in other ways.
5
SPEAKER_03
Good job.
5
SPEAKER_03
If he s that- He s building this contraption.
5
SPEAKER_03
Like we should have pitched- He s gotta be the right size.
5
SPEAKER_00
This could have been for a Brian Gosling.
5
SPEAKER_00
We should have pitched this sketch.
5
SPEAKER_00
There you go.
5
SPEAKER_00
All right, well, that s all I have, Dana.
5
SPEAKER_00
What do you think?
5
SPEAKER_00
We ve gone pretty late.
5
SPEAKER_00
What do you think?
5
SPEAKER_00
I know.
5
SPEAKER_00
We did pretty good though.
5
SPEAKER_03
I ve been reading spiritual books, Eckhart Tolle.
5
SPEAKER_03
He s a little German guy and he talks very slow and he stares into the camera and he sort of smiles.
5
SPEAKER_03
The whole point of life is to live in the moment.
5
SPEAKER_03
And that s what he s, he s written like 10 books.
5
SPEAKER_03
He s worth $80 million.
5
SPEAKER_03
Just don t think about yesterday or tomorrow.
5
SPEAKER_03
I m Eckhart Tolle.
5
SPEAKER_03
And I thought, damn, that s a, I mean, so I m writing a book called Life is a Shit Show, Get Used to It.
5
SPEAKER_03
Good night.
5
SPEAKER_00
Life is a shit sandwich, take a bite.
5
SPEAKER_03
But, you know, I was thinking about gurus and stuff.
5
SPEAKER_03
The guy does have great ideas.
5
SPEAKER_03
I mean, there was Ram Dass and gurus.
5
SPEAKER_03
And I think per capita, the most gurus seem to come from India, even if they make their way to America.
5
SPEAKER_03
And what they do, I think intentionally, is they grow their mustache over their mouth.
5
SPEAKER_03
So it looks like they re telepathic.
5
SPEAKER_03
So it d be like,
5
SPEAKER_03
I want to tell you that we are doing many things in the name of peace.
5
SPEAKER_03
Hey, wait a minute.
5
SPEAKER_03
Are you telepathic or are your lips moving?
5
SPEAKER_03
I can hear you.
5
SPEAKER_03
It s a good question.
5
SPEAKER_03
Of course, you can hear me, but you can t tell if it s me talking on account of my long mustache.
5
SPEAKER_03
Well, the mustache seems to move every time you talk.
5
SPEAKER_03
That is just random wind.
5
SPEAKER_00
That s wind.
5
SPEAKER_03
That s all.
5
SPEAKER_00
The beard too, kind of blends into the beard.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s all nothing.
5
SPEAKER_00
You re hearing my thoughts.
5
SPEAKER_00
Why are your fingers moving?
5
SPEAKER_00
You re hearing my thoughts.
5
SPEAKER_00
I wish I could talk.
5
SPEAKER_00
I can t anymore.
5
SPEAKER_00
I can only think and you can hear me.
5
SPEAKER_00
See from the side, it s pretty good.
5
SPEAKER_02
I have the answer to everything on planet Earth.
5
SPEAKER_02
Now give me a million dollars, you fuck face.
5
SPEAKER_02
Finally.
5
SPEAKER_00
But money always comes in with the gurus.
5
SPEAKER_00
The gurus are always good.
5
SPEAKER_00
All these people that I m going to save you and save your spirit and soul.
5
SPEAKER_00
And there s always sex comes into it at some point.
5
SPEAKER_00
They re like, oh, we worship you.
5
SPEAKER_00
You re the new messiah.
5
SPEAKER_00
Right.
5
SPEAKER_00
Will be having sex with everyone.
5
SPEAKER_00
This is just something I m getting from above and it s just nothing.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s not anything to worry about We will be having sex with my choice of people every day, but we re all still part of the group
5
SPEAKER_03
That seems to be, I don t know if it s a cliche, but it does seem like eventually you find out that the guy is really horny.
5
SPEAKER_03
So he s up there preaching.
5
SPEAKER_03
And I believe that men and people and mankind and peace and lovely and live in the moment.
5
SPEAKER_03
And now I would like you to approach the altar and squat on my lolly jumba.
5
SPEAKER_03
On my what?
5
SPEAKER_03
Lolly jumba.
5
SPEAKER_00
The girl s like, what am I doing?
5
SPEAKER_00
Okay, right.
5
SPEAKER_00
I mean, it s basically a blowjob, but listen, I m going to point to the crowd and then give me a little money.
5
SPEAKER_00
I mean, give, you know, the whole spirit a little money after.
5
SPEAKER_00
And they re like, wait, I m a pretty girl.
5
SPEAKER_00
I hit, I do the lolly Jamba and then I give you money.
5
SPEAKER_00
This feels a little backwards.
5
SPEAKER_00
No, I don t make the rules.
5
SPEAKER_01
I shaved my mustache, so now I just hold my hand over my mouth.
5
SPEAKER_01
You can t tell if it s just me talking to you.
5
SPEAKER_01
Look at my eyes.
5
SPEAKER_01
Look how big they get.
5
SPEAKER_01
I have all the answers.
5
SPEAKER_01
Now give me a million dollars.
5
SPEAKER_01
Give me that golly bomba.
5
SPEAKER_01
Jumbie jumba.
5
SPEAKER_01
Get on that thing.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s good.
5
SPEAKER_03
We ve emancipated ourselves.
5
SPEAKER_03
We do any character we want.
5
SPEAKER_00
I like that.
5
SPEAKER_00
Bali Jamba.
5
SPEAKER_00
All right.
5
SPEAKER_00
Well, I guess the people have had enough.
5
SPEAKER_00
I just got a message.
5
SPEAKER_03
The audience has had enough.
5
SPEAKER_03
I think so.
5
SPEAKER_03
It s two hours a week of us now.
5
SPEAKER_03
With Fly on the Wall and Superfly, you can spend 7% of your weekend life to hear our random shenanigans.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, that was a good one.
5
SPEAKER_00
Well, we want to thank Sarah Sherman for popping by.
5
SPEAKER_03
Sarah Sherman.
5
SPEAKER_03
Thank Ryan Gosling for maybe doing our sketches.
5
SPEAKER_03
And if she, she ll tell us if she does the head thing.
5
SPEAKER_03
I think she s so quirky.
5
SPEAKER_00
She would jump on that.
5
SPEAKER_00
That s something right up her alley.
5
SPEAKER_00
Bula could write that.
5
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_03
And I think we will excise it if she uses it, but I do think surprising him on air.
5
SPEAKER_03
That s the thing.
5
SPEAKER_03
It s funny.
5
SPEAKER_00
This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman.
5
SPEAKER_00
Hope you liked it.