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Hey guys, it s Spadoodle.
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You can always go to davidspade.com to look at my tour dates, because I bless a lot of cities in America with my hilarious stand-up act.
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Or you could not go to it and get on my enemy list.
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Up to you!
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This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.
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But, you know, look at how fast, we re almost halfway through the year.
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Crazy.
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Yeah.
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Are you proud of what you ve done in 2020 so far?
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I mean, you always want to do more, right?
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Life goes so fast.
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David, it s important to take a moment to celebrate your wins, make adjustments for the rest of the year.
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Therapy can help you take stock of your progress and set achievable goals for the next six months.
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Yeah.
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David.
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Listen, therapy is the way to go.
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I did it for a while.
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And I think the thing that slowed me down was what they, is driving to Santa Monica in traffic once or twice a week.
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Yes.
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This is online.
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No, it s so convenient.
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It s a great idea.
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Very convenient.
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It helps you.
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You ve got coping skills, how to set boundaries.
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I mean, there s so many things you can do here to be a better version of yourself.
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You can probably always sharpen it.
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Yeah, I mean, I had a therapist in Portland and I would commute and that was a pain.
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That s a long drive.
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I know it was 1300 miles one way, but you know, it s good therapist.
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But yeah, this one you can mix and match and your thoughts kind of control you and you want to master them.
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And when you talk to someone else, they re able to kind of discern it out.
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So if you re thinking of starting to give therapy a try, give better help a try.
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Yeah, it s entirely online designed to be convenient, flexible, suited to your schedule.
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You fill out a questionnaire, get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapist if you want to, for any reason, no charge.
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Take a moment, visit betterhelp.com slash FOTW today.
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Get 10% off your first month.
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That s betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash F-O-T-W.
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Eric Andre is our guest today, who I don t really know well at all.
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I think I ve seen him out, and I ve obviously seen a ton of his stuff he does.
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Very clever, very crazy.
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The Eric Andre Show.
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Very smart dude, and I really like to sit with him.
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talk to him because I didn t know.
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I don t know anything about him.
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And so I have no judgment, just like, it s so great to see someone right in front of me.
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He came into the house and then we got to do it here, which is really fun.
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Easy to talk to, has a book coming out, Dumb Ideas.
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It really is insight into the intellect and the brain trust behind the Eric Andre Show and other things.
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He s a master of pranks.
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They ve taken his hero, Johnny Knoxville, and, you know,
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Borat and other things and they post-modernized it, made it, it s incredibly entertaining stuff to watch.
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So doing the research I became a big fan and he s fun and easy to talk to.
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I hear his name a lot because a lot of people
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are like, did you see what he did?
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Did you see this?
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And he s just very good at all that and constructing these elaborate pranks.
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And they re really edgy and really where I was wondering like, how do you not get that shit kicked out of you?
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It s so terrifying.
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Like some of the stuff that seems very illegal and he s got his show and the movie and now the book.
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Just a great, great, interesting person.
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And we had a lot of laughs, I have to say.
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And if you re a fan of his, it also was just really just people talking in a room.
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So it was very nice to get to know him and the mind behind it.
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Very R-rated.
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There was some description of some comedy pieces and they were a bit adult.
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Let s put it that way.
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Anyway, please enjoy our next podcast, number 375 million.
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Eric Andre.
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We have time for one more question.
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That call you made to Dan Curry, I don t even know what that was about.
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I don t know what that was about.
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So who was the guy that would come into SNL, or lady that came into SNL and you guys were all like, oh fuck, so-and-so s here.
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It s gonna be a long week.
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Maybe that s too shit to talk about.
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No, it would be early on, you just walk into Lauren s office and Mick Jagger s just sitting there in a sweater.
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And he s like, you make me fuck.
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And then Lauren goes, coffee.
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And Danny goes, no thanks.
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He goes, no, get some.
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Two.
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Didn t Eddie Murphy call you when you made fun of Boomerang?
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I remember on Howard Stern, you made fun of Boomerang.
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You go, oh, look, a star has fallen.
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And Eddie Murphy.
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Did you for like a week or something sort of trim down version?
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But I get to the core.
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Yeah, it was to gossipy.
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No, but I don t know We re so fucking boring.
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You re our most interesting guest so far.
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No one has asked this.
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You ve mentioned us three times This is already a blast.
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No, listen, we d like to talk about ourselves David tell Eddie Murphy saying I ll tell it from my side your question a minute ago is
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who kind of freaked you out if they came to the offices.
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Like they would, someone is walking, like Dan Aykroyd, they go, oh, Lorna go, Danny might stop by.
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And they re like, Danny?
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Danny Zuko?
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So, Billy, Billy.
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And then there was always Paul Simon or Paul McCartney.
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Yeah, and they just walk in your office, hey, what s going on here?
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And then you re just writing some garbage sketch.
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But Eddie Murphy came by, but he came to see Rock once.
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I don t even know if I was around, because we didn t have a, I wasn t around, I think I made myself not around.
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I was around for Eddie coming back.
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Because I don t think he was mad at me at that point.
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But he was for a second.
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Yeah, that was a real story.
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But did you write that joke, or did somebody write that joke for you, and you said it, and you re like, don t shoot the messenger?
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How did you get out of it?
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I should have said that.
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I didn t even think of saying that.
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It s a quarter century too late.
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You could have saved so much time.
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That s what usually happens.
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You go, they write sketches.
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I go, I don t even know what s going on.
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Like when I did- Well, it was a Hollywood Minute.
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It was a thing he did.
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I was just making jokes.
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Or he would just shit on celebrities.
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It s a joke.
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You know what s funny?
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It s a joke.
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I ran into Bill Bellamy, you know Bill Bellamy?
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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And he s a great guy.
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I saw him on the flight yesterday.
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Billy B. And he said, we were talking about this.
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I dated Idallis in the old days.
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Remember Idallis on MTV?
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She was a VJ.
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Idallis, maybe.
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This might get too young for you.
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But anyway, I mean, you re too young.
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But anyway, they were all friends.
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We were all friends.
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So anyway, and he s a great guy.
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So I said,
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He said, did you ever meet downtown Julie Brown?
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I said, I did a joke about her and that was it.
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It was the same thing, Hollywood Minute.
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She wasn t, of course I get them when they re having trouble in their career, which is so fucking rude.
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We re tribal, get them.
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I said, wubba wubba wubba.
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You were like 23 or something.
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Yeah, listen, I was scratching to stay on the show.
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And you were killing with that.
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And when something worked, which most of it wasn t,
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when I go to read through and I d be, you know, I wouldn t have anything on.
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And then when I did that, Lauren, two weeks later saying, maybe Hollywood Minute this week, I d go, are you shitting me?
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You want me to do something, of course.
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And then everyone would be like, throwing me their roughest jokes.
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But Julie s was, wubba wubba wubba, my career s in trubba trubba trubba.
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And it was a good false prank.
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Was that one of her hit songs or something?
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No, she was a VJ.
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That was her catchphrase.
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That was her icon.
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And I did that and then she... I just heard two channels.
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that she was upset with you.
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MTV back channel.
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Yeah.
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I d be more, I d be more worried about Eddie Murphy.
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Oh, Eddie Murphy.
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First of all, yeah, that, but before your thing happened, he just came back and he s just was hanging out, which was kind of cool.
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You know, this is maybe 89 or something.
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So he s Beverly Hills cop and he just, he put out
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party all the time, you know that song?
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And he told me how great his music was, and I said, that sounds cool.
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He tells me and he goes, I don t think you believe me.
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He goes, no, I really am the shit, man.
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Party all the time.
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And it was a pretty big hit.
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It was a hit.
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I wish I had that self-esteem.
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I wish I had that confidence and self-esteem.
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And knowing people might condone you for that.
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What do you mean?
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You got blurp or blarp?
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Who s your music alter ego?
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It s no party all the time, I ll tell you that.
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It s like tinkering with experimental shitty noise music on my computer.
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I love all that.
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The technology is advanced where I can, with a producer,
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Double track, triple this.
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You putting out some jams?
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Well, yeah, I got a lot of songs.
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I m a catchphrase guy, that s all it is.
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You got some jams coming out.
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One phrase over and over again.
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Really?
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I m not saying it s any good though.
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It sure is fun.
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So do you hate anyone in Hollywood actively right now?
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I m glad you brought that up.
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I have some bones to pick.
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She has a list in your car.
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Pick a bone is his name.
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I know who we re talking about.
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I mean, Lupita Nyong o, first off.
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She s in my crosshairs.
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Charles Lasivio, that fucker.
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Sir Lawrence Olivier, I don t know if he s dead or alive.
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Billy Doo-Wop from Detroit.
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No, I m a lover, not a fighter.
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I don t eat beef.
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That s the thing.
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I m not even cool enough to have beef.
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I could tell from all your prank stuff that underneath was kind of a marshmallow.
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In a good way.
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I m just channeling my 13-year-old id when I m razzin  celebs on my show.
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I m not out for blood.
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Do you make fun of celebrities, too?
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I make fun of celebrities, too.
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Well, on the show, I have a talk show on Adult Swim that I prank celebrities in an I ll-leave-you-show fashion.
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Oh, no.
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And it s avant-garde.
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It s not avant-garde.
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It s more than prank.
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It s acid humor.
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That s what we d say in our day.
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What would you call it?
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Avant-garde.
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Yeah, it s acid.
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It s crazy.
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That s crazy, man.
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People are always like, how high are you when you come up with this stuff?
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What do you want?
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I m like, coffee and stress.
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Who was on where you just suddenly had a boob and you re...
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You re filling the milk.
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Donald Glover.
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Donald Glover.
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Good memory.
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I had a realistic.
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And it s all done very casual, right?
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Yeah.
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Or you re eating or spitting up ashes.
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Yeah, I snorted my uncle s ashes out of the urn.
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Jesus Christ.
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What s his music name, Donald Glover, Dana?
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Dr. G?
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Nope.
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Oh, Dr. G.
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If it isn t now, what is now, once he hears this, Danny Glover.
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No, not Danny Glover, Donald Glover.
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Donald Glover.
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And Dr. G, I think you were thinking of Dr. John from New Orleans.
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Yeah, but that was the guy who came in and killed the choir with the gun.
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Yes, there you go.
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That piece of work is brilliant.
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Yeah, he s a genius.
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That was a fun one.
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That s crazy.
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That was a dartling one.
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What about when you had, the one I saw was a TI comes on.
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I think what they do, they probably know it s gonna be some sort of shenanigans, right?
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Because he sits down, and then you go, I m getting a boner!
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And then it pops through the desk, you dick.
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And then you start jacking it off.
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But his job is to act so cool about it.
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Is that what it is?
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I don t know if he was that cool.
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He was trying to be nonplussed.
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He was trying to be nonplussed, and nobody really knows what nonplussed means, but I m going to say he was trying to be nonplussed.
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Nonplussed two?
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He was recalcitrant.
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He was obdurate.
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Jesus Christ.
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No, I don t know what it means.
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SPEAKER_00
He was supercilious.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah, those are real words.
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He was sacrosanct.
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Community college, forgive him.
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You should write a dictionary.
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He s at Berklee School of Music.
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You re not smart, are you?
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SPEAKER_00
We didn t learn anything there.
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I went to jazz school.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_00
It s like, geez, this just in learn how to go.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_00
I just learned the Seinfeld baseline over and over again.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
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Well, what was your question?
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There was also male, full frontal male nudity.
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And then not just the dildo, but there was a naked, we have a naked, one of our PAs on the show is naked all the time.
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So he was, he was coming out on the wiener.
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I don t think it s really yours comes out of the desk.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, that was a realistic looking dildo.
1
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And then he whacks it off, and then a zombie crawls out of the floor.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh yeah, he didn t like that.
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SPEAKER_00
Remember that?
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SPEAKER_02
Yeah, he didn t like that either.
1
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Now why does T.I.
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have a problem with this stuff?
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Did he not know what the show was about?
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SPEAKER_00
He didn t really know.
1
SPEAKER_00
Nobody really knows or does their research, and we tell them little to nothing.
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SPEAKER_00
We use all types of manipulative ways to
1
SPEAKER_02
Juke around their publicist and get them in there without knowing there was a young actress one of the videos I saw blonde hair that you did something and you hurt my foot and she seemed really distressed then it becomes you think no I m talking about.
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SPEAKER_00
Uh, yes, that was, uh, Karrueche Tran was her name.
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SPEAKER_00
Karrueche Tran.
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She s cute.
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And she s adorable, but they come out wide-eyed in there.
1
SPEAKER_02
They re just seeing it start to happen.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s really a trip.
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When they haven t seen the show.
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They get quite stressed.
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They get quite stressed.
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Well, they don t know what s going on.
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SPEAKER_01
They think they re going on like Seth Meyers.
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SPEAKER_00
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
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And then cockroaches will fly out of the desk.
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SPEAKER_00
And then someone s pulling on their balls from under their chair.
1
SPEAKER_01
He s got a little note card instead of a cock coming out of the desk.
1
SPEAKER_02
And you re like, hey, sorry about that.
1
SPEAKER_02
So your parents are really happy about your success.
1
SPEAKER_02
Seth, we re kidding if you re listening.
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SPEAKER_02
Nothing is like this.
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SPEAKER_02
Nothing is like on television that I m aware of.
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I m old Eric.
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I hope not.
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SPEAKER_00
Well, I mean, you know, I m the, some of my influences, you know, there s an Ollie G show.
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I know who High Three Priests are.
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I want you to pick.
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Some of your influences.
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Tom Green.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah, Tom Green.
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Again, master of distress and tension.
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Loved his stuff.
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My kids went fucking nuts for him.
1
SPEAKER_02
Ollie G, you know, Borat, genius.
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And Jackass.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_02
Were those the Holy Grail?
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I mean, there s others.
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That all came out when in the formative year, like, uh, when I was in 12th grade and through college and Chappelle show was on during college.
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And so those were like, when I was trying to figure out when I was in the middle of jazz school, realizing that jazz school is not a promising career.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then I was like spending tons of money and, uh, going to jazz school.
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SPEAKER_00
And then, um,
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You know, well, my parents were spending tons of money putting me through jazz school.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then I was like, towards the end of jazz school, I was like, don t worry, dad.
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SPEAKER_00
I figured it out.
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SPEAKER_00
I m not going to play the upright bass.
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SPEAKER_00
I m going to do comedy.
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I m going to go into pranks.
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SPEAKER_00
That s where the money is.
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SPEAKER_00
And my dad was from a third world countries from Haiti and he became a doctor.
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SPEAKER_00
He s like the American dream.
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SPEAKER_00
So he was really not into it.
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SPEAKER_00
You re doing it backwards.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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I was undoing the American dream.
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SPEAKER_00
He brings the American dream, you have this hope.
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My dad s quote to his friend, because I just left and did it on my own too, he goes, oh Jesus Christ, can you believe my son wants to be a comedian?
1
SPEAKER_02
That s the way he talked.
1
SPEAKER_02
And I didn t blame him, but I just did it.
1
SPEAKER_02
Nobody s dad wants their kid to be a comedian.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, they just assume it s not going to work.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s like, I m going to be an astronaut.
1
SPEAKER_00
Music comedians Johnny Carson was an amazing drummer.
1
SPEAKER_00
You know about that?
1
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_00
He was a drummer.
1
SPEAKER_02
He was a toe tamper.
1
SPEAKER_02
He was a fucking toe tamper.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I was a high school garage band drummer.
1
SPEAKER_02
Ed, grab a tambourine.
1
SPEAKER_02
You were a drummer.
1
SPEAKER_02
Fred Armisen and you are both comedy drummers.
1
SPEAKER_02
Fred Armisen s a real drummer.
1
SPEAKER_02
Armisen s serious about it, isn t he?
1
SPEAKER_01
You re a serious drummer.
1
SPEAKER_02
I got lucky with Wayne s World
1
SPEAKER_02
I practiced on a jazz set, and then Yamaha brought in this set.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, shit.
1
SPEAKER_02
Motley Crue set.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
I can t do the solo.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
Anyway, they gave me the jazz set, but I did one as Church Lady with Danny DeVito.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, yeah, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
And I was doing the Ringo, and that one came out really lucky on air.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, that s amazing.
1
SPEAKER_02
That was my mic.
1
SPEAKER_02
Lady beat Garth.
1
SPEAKER_00
And Garth is your impression of your brother, right?
1
SPEAKER_00
Was your brother a drummer?
1
SPEAKER_02
No, I added the drumming part, but he was the science part of Garth.
1
SPEAKER_01
I like that you re very serious because the last thing I saw was you on your talk show and you just stare at the guests, then you look around and you go, oh it s a bucket of jizz!
1
SPEAKER_01
And then I m like, they re like, what the fuck?
1
SPEAKER_01
So I read the book.
1
SPEAKER_01
Ask me about my movie.
1
SPEAKER_02
And it s interesting how you guys, you re sort of true North Star was, nothing can be too dumb.
1
SPEAKER_02
But in your book, you have a lot of rejected ideas.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_02
That s too much.
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, a lot of those are rejected just because we run out of money.
1
SPEAKER_01
We don t have a big budget.
1
SPEAKER_01
Do you have anyone you have to run anything by anymore or is it just sort of you guys do whatever you want?
1
SPEAKER_00
We always have, Adult Swim has always let us kind of do whatever we want.
1
SPEAKER_00
I can t imagine some, if they didn t say no to that shit, like that s too far.
1
SPEAKER_00
We had one thing that they pulled.
1
SPEAKER_00
We had a country singer come on and sing a pro Al Qaeda country song.
1
SPEAKER_00
In like 2005 or something.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, in September 12th, 2001.
1
SPEAKER_00
But they were not, they freaked out.
1
SPEAKER_00
I don t know, but they freaked out late after we locked the episode and delivered it to them.
1
SPEAKER_00
I was like, I got a call when I was like on mushrooms in Canada, in Muskoka, Ontario.
1
SPEAKER_00
And- You were on mushrooms when you got the call?
1
SPEAKER_00
I was on mushrooms when I got the call.
1
SPEAKER_00
I thought you were in a mushroom field for some reason.
1
SPEAKER_00
I was on top of mushrooms.
1
SPEAKER_00
You were on mushrooms.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
And they,
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, they were like, we can t air this.
1
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_00
I think it like, it went up there in the Adult Swim channels and then like a big boss man in the shadows.
1
SPEAKER_01
Who is the biggest company that owns you?
1
SPEAKER_01
That show.
1
SPEAKER_00
Who owns that show?
1
SPEAKER_00
Is it Viacom?
1
SPEAKER_00
No, I guess Adult Swim s owned by Turner, which is owned by Warner Brothers and Discovery Plus.
1
SPEAKER_00
Which is owned by Lorne Michaels.
1
SPEAKER_00
Which is owned by Lorne Michaels.
1
SPEAKER_00
Which is owned by Planet Krell, yak.
1
SPEAKER_01
I mean, it s almost getting there.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s not.
1
SPEAKER_01
Hey, AI is coming up.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m just saying it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Do you guys ever go back to SNL and do the show?
1
SPEAKER_00
And is Lauren nice to you?
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
Lauren is like the... When do you get to get... It s easier now because for me, I m not as stressed as I was when I was there.
1
SPEAKER_01
Now it s over.
1
SPEAKER_01
He s not really my boss anymore.
1
SPEAKER_01
I come in to host or do something and he s...
1
SPEAKER_01
It s just fun.
1
SPEAKER_01
So the anxiety isn t there.
1
SPEAKER_01
Anxiety is not quite as.
1
SPEAKER_01
When you re in your 20s.
1
SPEAKER_01
It does shoot up when you go in the hallways and you feel.
1
SPEAKER_01
You get the PTSD reaction.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, there s something very real about that.
1
SPEAKER_02
You have your big break and Lauren is the decider, you know, of what gets on and everything.
1
SPEAKER_02
And so there s a natural, like he s the teacher, he s the power, he s the coach you make fun of, you know.
1
SPEAKER_02
But then when you get away from the show and then you re hosting and you re hanging out with him, he s like your buddy all week, you see.
1
SPEAKER_02
how he casually produces that show.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I would kind of come to the conclusion he might be irreplaceable.
2
SPEAKER_02
So he s got to live forever.
2
SPEAKER_02
He has to do experimental surgery.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s called the CRISPR.
2
SPEAKER_02
We can edit genes and live a really long time.
2
SPEAKER_02
If anyone could do it.
2
SPEAKER_02
But he is, now I m just super fond of him.
2
SPEAKER_02
I see him as way more sensitive and vulnerable than I realized.
2
SPEAKER_02
This impenetrable socialite kind of erudite character.
2
SPEAKER_02
That s part of his comic persona, but he s a really good friend.
2
SPEAKER_02
He loves baseball.
2
SPEAKER_00
He s just very- You can do a sketch of Lorne Michaels, year 3000.
2
SPEAKER_00
They ve kept him alive.
2
SPEAKER_02
Did you ever have a moment where you thought you d want to get on that show?
2
SPEAKER_01
When I was starting, when I finally got an agent and a manager in my-
2
SPEAKER_01
mid-20s.
2
SPEAKER_01
I put together a couple audition tapes, but I never got the call, and then towards the end of my 20s Eric Andrew Show started.
2
SPEAKER_02
It seems to me, when you re doing these pranks, and you re out there, and you re bleeding in the park or something, you really have to be a great actor.
2
SPEAKER_02
I ll take it.
2
SPEAKER_02
You re acting, and you ve got people there, and you can t- You only have one take, really.
2
SPEAKER_02
Can I ask you a technical question?
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, absolutely.
2
SPEAKER_02
Cause you ve got a lot of shots.
2
SPEAKER_02
So you re bleeding and there s people who are coming up to you and you ve got all these shots and you kind of, in my mind I m thinking of crew, but is it just people who are pretending to be onlookers with hidden cameras?
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, hidden camera means hidden crew.
2
SPEAKER_01
That was the only way.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, hidden camera means hidden crew.
2
SPEAKER_01
So the crew is playing close.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like secret service.
2
SPEAKER_01
They re playing close and they re just around the action.
2
SPEAKER_01
And they have their Apple earbuds in as if they re listening to music, but that s like a Comtech or like their walkie.
2
SPEAKER_01
And they have like, you know, there ll be like a microphone and a coffee cup by a garbage can and those backpack GoPros.
2
SPEAKER_01
There s GoPros everywhere.
2
SPEAKER_01
Inside is a different plan than outside.
2
SPEAKER_01
Interiors are- Yeah, that s much easier.
2
SPEAKER_01
You have to build hides.
2
SPEAKER_01
Interiors are way harder.
2
SPEAKER_01
Hidden camera.
2
SPEAKER_01
And exteriors are a lot easier.
2
SPEAKER_00
Build hides, Dana, scribble it down.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
What about when you re outside and you re, first of all,
2
SPEAKER_00
obviously you d be scared to get shot or beat up.
2
SPEAKER_00
I think those pranks, literally today, are even scarier.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh, we got a knife.
2
SPEAKER_01
Me and Tiffany Haddish and Lil Rel Howery did a prank movie called Bad Trip.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s like a narrative.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s on Borat.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s on Netflix.
2
SPEAKER_01
And the first prank Rel ever shot with us, it was the first day of shooting, and we got a knife pulled out on us.
2
SPEAKER_01
We went into a barbershop in the hood with our penises stuck in a Chinese finger trap.
2
SPEAKER_01
And we re stretching.
2
SPEAKER_01
They re prosthetic dicks, but they look realistic.
2
SPEAKER_01
So the dicks are stretching back and forth.
2
SPEAKER_00
I thought that on I Love Lucy.
2
SPEAKER_00
The dicks are stretching back and forth.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, we ran into this barbershop.
2
SPEAKER_00
I love Lucy.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s from the Honeymooners.
2
SPEAKER_01
And no, we ran into this barbershop and we asked the barber, we re like, hey, can we borrow your scissors?
2
SPEAKER_01
We re stuck in this.
2
SPEAKER_01
And he was like, oh, he went into this homicidal rage, looked for his gun, which he told us later that he forgot that day that he brings to work every day.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then found his knife and then chased us out with a knife and then rel quit the movie for a little bit that we had to beg him back.
2
SPEAKER_01
I get it.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
It was a little bit stressful.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s a bit stressful.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
There is that, the high wire act of that is brings part of the entertainment to the viewer.
2
SPEAKER_00
Cause you know people don t work also.
2
SPEAKER_00
I think that you,
2
SPEAKER_00
Some people, if you re doing something that s super sexual toward guys, they get really mad too.
2
SPEAKER_00
Do you find that?
2
SPEAKER_00
You know what I mean?
2
SPEAKER_00
If you go rub naked and it s one of those bits, guys get really freaked out.
2
SPEAKER_00
They re embarrassed, they re humiliated, they don t know what s going on.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I think we were in a pretty rough... I don t.
2
SPEAKER_00
Let me hear a story about it.
2
SPEAKER_00
I like naked guys rubbing up against me, even if it s real.
2
SPEAKER_02
I thought that was just a rumor.
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, you know, we were in a bit of a rough, rough around the edges neighborhood in Atlanta.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I don t even think the guy heard us.
2
SPEAKER_01
We just walked into the barbershop with our penises covered.
2
SPEAKER_01
I almost fell over.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then like, we went, excuse me, sir, can you help us?
2
SPEAKER_01
And then he just saw our dick stretching back and forth.
2
SPEAKER_01
So we just looked like eccentric perverts flashing him in his establishment.
2
SPEAKER_01
Was it silly putty or was it your real dick?
2
SPEAKER_01
It was a prosthetic, it was a prosthetic penis piece made by like these Oscar award winning special effects.
2
SPEAKER_01
We ve been around in this territory a lot on the podcast, you know, the stretching penis thing.
2
SPEAKER_02
You can buy those anywhere.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s fascinating.
2
SPEAKER_02
The one that I thought was, that I saw, I thought was extra kind of brilliant was you come in,
2
SPEAKER_02
And you have the guy, the street vendor, and you get a wig on and you start putting lipstick on.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
And then the cop comes in.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
And you re trying to don t give me up.
2
SPEAKER_02
And then he wants to wait.
2
SPEAKER_01
Have you seen this guy?
2
SPEAKER_01
He s a homicidal murderer on the loose.
2
SPEAKER_01
And at this point, I have a wig on, sunglasses and lipstick.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I m like, we re both, the cop and I are facing the guy we re pranking.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I went to the guy, don t you say a fucking word.
2
SPEAKER_01
So he s like pointing.
2
SPEAKER_01
Don t you say a fucking word.
2
SPEAKER_01
The guy is really, really freaked out.
2
SPEAKER_00
So the cop s an actor and doesn t pick up on it.
2
SPEAKER_00
No, but then someone else comes in and passes it on.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then a security guard comes up and he goes, have you seen this guy?
2
SPEAKER_01
And he shows a picture of the cop, a mugshot of the cop.
2
SPEAKER_01
He goes, he s impersonating a police officer.
2
SPEAKER_01
He s wanted for murder.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then they both start going, don t you fucking say a fucking word.
2
SPEAKER_02
That s kind of next level.
2
SPEAKER_02
That s so clever.
2
SPEAKER_00
One where your dress is an all gold guy statue.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
And then there s a silver statue.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
And then you casually go over and rack them with a pole or something.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
They go, oh!
2
SPEAKER_00
And really a fast sounding cop comes over and you hit the cop.
2
SPEAKER_02
And everyone s like, what the fuck?
2
SPEAKER_02
So he s the gold statue, you know, trying to get money in the park and there s a silver statue and your guy goes and just starts beating the shit out of the silver man.
2
SPEAKER_00
He s on your turf.
2
SPEAKER_02
People are going, what the fuck is going on?
2
SPEAKER_00
No one, like, first of all, no one s helping anyone anymore, but you know, they get nervous and run away.
2
SPEAKER_00
But I would think there s so much crime now, it s less, it s hard to even scare people.
2
SPEAKER_00
because it s so common that they just keep walking like, this is normal, this is real, and I better go.
2
SPEAKER_00
You just know it s something.
2
SPEAKER_01
People are on edge.
2
SPEAKER_01
Everyone s on edge.
2
SPEAKER_01
You can find, you can scare people.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, well, I get scared all the time.
2
SPEAKER_00
I don t like to be pranked.
2
SPEAKER_00
Nobody really likes to be pranked.
2
SPEAKER_00
No, because it usually is.
2
SPEAKER_00
I don t like to be pranked.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s usually like, I look good, you look stupid, in the end.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know what I mean?
2
SPEAKER_00
And the guy, you see the guy in the mall, there s a kid, and he was,
2
SPEAKER_00
being weird to some guy and the guy turned around and shot him?
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m sure that made it across your desk.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yep.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yep.
2
SPEAKER_01
I ve been talking about that.
2
SPEAKER_02
Has your staff, has Dan or other guys, have they pranked you?
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
I mean, right now I m doing a
2
SPEAKER_01
show on ABC with Johnny Knoxville and he s like hitting me with tasers and stun guns every five seconds.
2
SPEAKER_01
What is the name of this one?
2
SPEAKER_01
This is Prank Panel.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s called Prank Tank, which is such a better name, but Shark Tank wouldn t give us the okay.
2
SPEAKER_01
Really?
2
SPEAKER_01
You have to run that file?
2
SPEAKER_00
They own Tank.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh, it s ABC?
2
SPEAKER_01
It s ABC versus NBC shit.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
So Shark Tank s NBC, this is ABC.
2
SPEAKER_00
Prank Tank is a good name.
2
SPEAKER_00
Prank Tank rolls off the tongue.
2
SPEAKER_00
Dana, let s do Prank Tank.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, you can do it if you can get Mr. Wonderful to give you the okay.
2
SPEAKER_02
We can ask Lorne to make that happen.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I remember seeing this.
2
SPEAKER_00
Because on Johnny s Instagram, so yeah, so it s you guys go out and do you get regular people?
2
SPEAKER_00
Is that how it works?
2
SPEAKER_01
It s just like Shark Tank for pranks.
2
SPEAKER_01
So like people come on and they pitch their prank to us and We either say yes, your pranks awesome We ll do it for you or we like or we re like nah pass and then but we also are pranking each other and then you go if they if you like their prank do you go actively do it or
2
SPEAKER_01
We actively, we, we produce it for them.
2
SPEAKER_01
So we might not be incorporating the prank.
2
SPEAKER_01
We, we usually like help them.
2
SPEAKER_02
Is it just you and Johnny?
2
SPEAKER_01
That s me, Knoxville and, and Gabriele Sidibe.
2
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_01
And so the three of us at one point, we re all armed like the second day of shooting.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like I had a,
2
SPEAKER_01
stun gun on me.
2
SPEAKER_01
She had pepper spray.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, ready for each other.
2
SPEAKER_00
What a drag.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, it was a bit intense.
2
SPEAKER_01
But my crew has pranked me, but it was kind of like inside joke stuff.
2
SPEAKER_01
I mean, my producer, Dave Vernad on the movie, he put... Oh, he made a credit score.
2
SPEAKER_01
He s like, the movie s locked.
2
SPEAKER_01
You just got to approve the credit score.
2
SPEAKER_01
And he left my name out of all of the opening credits.
2
SPEAKER_01
He put everybody
2
SPEAKER_01
else it s pretty tame and you had a taser to the neck but you had to go up and go hey i called the guy from mgm because it was at mgm first i was like i ve worked on this movie for seven years i had to melt down i was like i ve worked on this movie for seven and a half years you re not even put my fucking name in it it s so obvious and you re like do you know who s in this movie he s like oh jesus the guy from mgm was like the fuck are you talking about
2
SPEAKER_01
He didn t know, he wasn t looped in on the prank.
2
SPEAKER_01
You called the highest guy up.
2
SPEAKER_01
You fucker.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I went full Joe Pesci on him.
2
SPEAKER_01
I thought, nuts.
2
SPEAKER_02
Johnny, he s got all these injuries.
2
SPEAKER_02
He was on our podcast.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s very interesting how much pain.
2
SPEAKER_01
He s got so many.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s 16 concussions and a brain hemorrhage.
2
SPEAKER_01
He peed through his eyeball.
2
SPEAKER_02
Did you hear this?
2
SPEAKER_01
He did, he broke his urethra.
2
SPEAKER_01
And he had to wear something inside his urethra for- Yeah, he had to pee with a catheter for three years.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s fucking IP because you ve avoided all that you could think a little bit, but not like him.
2
SPEAKER_01
I asked him one time
3
SPEAKER_01
I was like, why do you hurt yourself so much?
3
SPEAKER_02
And he went, uh, deep self-loathing.
3
SPEAKER_02
Plus, I think when the show s a hit and they do a movie, the movie is so fucking exciting to go see that first time.
3
SPEAKER_02
And they re going at slow motion, the shopping cart and everything s blowing up in the beginning.
3
SPEAKER_02
If you re a kid, I don t know how old I was.
3
SPEAKER_02
maybe even 20.
3
SPEAKER_02
I was like, this is so fucking cool.
3
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, but it works for every age, because it s primal.
3
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, I love it.
3
SPEAKER_04
An 80-year-old man can watch it, and a 12-year-old kid can watch it.
3
SPEAKER_04
I think boys like it a little bit more than girls, but it s primal.
3
SPEAKER_04
Just climbing on a rocket.
3
SPEAKER_04
It s international, too.
3
SPEAKER_04
It s all physical humor.
3
SPEAKER_02
You don t need to know English.
3
SPEAKER_04
You don t need to know English or any language.
3
SPEAKER_04
You can watch it muted.
3
SPEAKER_02
But that s what I m saying, is he probably keeps doing it, because they throw money at him, like, this is your thing, and now it s too much his thing.
3
SPEAKER_02
And then you act and stuff, and they re like,
3
SPEAKER_02
No, fall down.
3
SPEAKER_02
No, yeah, get hit by a bull.
3
SPEAKER_02
And today, it unfolds as you get to know them without Googling everything about their life before you see them.
3
SPEAKER_02
Maybe it s known as a safety measure in quotes, but it s really, it s almost too much to know too fast.
3
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, social media ruins the getting to know you portion of dating someone.
3
SPEAKER_03
50% of hookups.
3
SPEAKER_03
A little bit.
3
SPEAKER_03
50% of non-celebrity hookups now are on social media or Tinder or those sites.
3
50%.
3
SPEAKER_03
50%.
3
SPEAKER_03
So the tall men are harvesting.
3
SPEAKER_03
So it s like there d be the stud in the neighborhood in the olden days and he d harvest the neighborhood.
3
SPEAKER_03
Now the tall guy can carry counties, Northern California.
3
SPEAKER_03
Wait, what s going on?
3
SPEAKER_03
Well, it s just bioevolution, you know, because it s just all a digital image.
3
SPEAKER_02
But there s also filters, and then there s actually girls that are AI, so they show up my feed, and I m like, I don t know what s going on anymore.
3
SPEAKER_02
And then they re like, I make 50,000 a month, and I m a fucking robot.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m like, wait, what?
3
SPEAKER_02
They re getting better than that.
3
SPEAKER_04
You can t tell how someone really is from a two-dimensional image of them.
3
SPEAKER_03
I m personality-based.
3
SPEAKER_03
But see all our digital image, like I never saw John Wayne in person.
3
SPEAKER_03
He s just an image.
3
SPEAKER_03
He s gigantic.
3
SPEAKER_03
Seven foot six.
3
SPEAKER_03
You know what he really was?
3
SPEAKER_03
Bob Mitchum told me this, look him up kids.
3
SPEAKER_03
Anyway, so he had the cowboy boots plus lifts.
3
SPEAKER_03
He was a true six four.
3
SPEAKER_03
So that put him at six seven.
3
SPEAKER_03
He really was giant.
3
SPEAKER_03
And then he would wear a cowboy hat and he got up to about 280, 300 pounds.
3
SPEAKER_03
So when you see him in movie, they can barely fit him in the cabin with the other actors.
3
SPEAKER_02
You know, come in and sort of- And what s the rumor about when he died, he ate so much meat, you know the rumor?
3
SPEAKER_02
No, that was Elvis.
3
SPEAKER_02
55 pounds of meat in his colon.
3
SPEAKER_03
No, come on.
3
SPEAKER_03
That s what I heard.
3
SPEAKER_03
Impacted fecal matter, David, please.
3
SPEAKER_03
That s right, impacted fecal matter.
3
SPEAKER_03
But that was Elvis.
3
SPEAKER_03
Now I m getting turned on.
3
SPEAKER_03
There was 37 hot dogs in his colon when he died.
3
SPEAKER_00
Elvis was pooping, that is not the way you want to go.
3
SPEAKER_03
He was alone in the mansion.
3
SPEAKER_00
Can I get some paper?
3
SPEAKER_00
Anybody here?
3
SPEAKER_00
Even a paper towel.
3
SPEAKER_00
He was on barbiturates or something, right?
3
SPEAKER_00
He was all pills.
3
SPEAKER_02
You sound like Adam 12.
3
SPEAKER_02
Were you on whites, zoomers, poppers, bing bongs?
3
SPEAKER_02
The yellows, the fizzies, the jizzies.
3
SPEAKER_03
That s Judy Garland.
3
SPEAKER_03
You know, the uppers and the downers and Elvis was in that too.
3
SPEAKER_03
Judy Garland was flying high?
3
SPEAKER_03
Mickey Rooney told me that.
3
SPEAKER_04
You ever seen that Doc Ellis pitching on LSD cartoon?
3
SPEAKER_04
Didn t he pitch a no-hitter or something?
3
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, he pitched a no-no.
3
SPEAKER_04
He pitched a no-hitter on LSD in the 70s.
3
SPEAKER_04
Beat me on the lingo.
3
SPEAKER_04
Let me ask you guys some questions.
3
SPEAKER_03
I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_04
I don t know anything about baseball.
3
SPEAKER_03
Do you think cannabis is a performing enhancing drug?
3
SPEAKER_03
Because they re busting track athletes.
3
SPEAKER_04
Not for me.
3
SPEAKER_04
I don t think it s a performing enhancing drug for athletes.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, I know.
3
SPEAKER_03
They busted another one.
3
SPEAKER_04
I think that s weird old school bullshit.
3
SPEAKER_03
I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_04
I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_04
Maybe you could say it like soothes your injuries, so you have a step up.
3
SPEAKER_04
Are you kind of hyper-focused for some people?
3
SPEAKER_02
Maybe.
3
SPEAKER_02
It s not my drug.
3
SPEAKER_02
It hits me sideways.
3
SPEAKER_02
Bill Murray said in the old days, it s sad when the scariest thing about weed is getting caught.
3
SPEAKER_02
Like there s nothing really bad it does, he was saying back in the day.
3
SPEAKER_04
Do you smoke Mary Jane?
3
SPEAKER_02
I smoke a little bit, but when I went, I told Dan I went to one of the weed stores to get a weed pen, my neck s bad, and I was like, I just want a weed pen.
3
SPEAKER_02
They re like, which one of these 600?
3
SPEAKER_02
I m like, 600?
3
SPEAKER_02
I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_02
I go, this is where you come in.
3
SPEAKER_02
I go, give me that purple, you know, North Slope, Vietnamese hash oil.
3
SPEAKER_02
And so the guy goes, oh, and then the manager came out and he goes, oh, David Spade.
3
SPEAKER_02
He puffs up, he goes, hey, go grab him some fentanyl crab cakes and get him some LSD candy corns.
3
SPEAKER_02
And I m like, no, no, I m okay.
3
SPEAKER_02
People go, just take a gummy.
3
SPEAKER_02
I take a couple of milligram, I take a chocolate.
3
SPEAKER_02
And I go, but how do you know, how many do you do it before you get to the one you go, this is the one that works.
3
SPEAKER_02
You must flip out.
3
SPEAKER_01
I can t do the are they strong?
3
SPEAKER_04
No, I can t.
3
SPEAKER_04
I can t even smoke weed.
3
SPEAKER_04
It just bugs me out.
3
SPEAKER_04
I don t have too much.
3
SPEAKER_02
Everyone thinks you re such a burnout.
3
SPEAKER_01
I hallucinated on edibles.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, no, it was horrible.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s the only drug I can t do.
3
SPEAKER_01
Horrible.
3
SPEAKER_01
But I think you re right is when people say they must say to you, you must ve been so baked.
3
SPEAKER_01
Must be so stone.
3
SPEAKER_01
You re like, no, it s hard to think of smart
3
SPEAKER_02
things when you re away.
3
SPEAKER_04
No, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_04
Caffeine is my only trouble.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, that s where it s at.
3
SPEAKER_04
I m working.
3
SPEAKER_04
But yeah, weed, it doesn t hit me right, especially edibles.
3
SPEAKER_04
It s just a bad trip every time.
3
SPEAKER_04
Five-hour energy, on the other hand.
3
SPEAKER_04
I m good for that.
3
SPEAKER_03
I think Seinfeld had a 10-minute chunk on that.
3
SPEAKER_03
Five hour energy.
3
SPEAKER_03
After three hours, you only have two hours left on Jerry Seinfeld.
3
SPEAKER_03
I took a sip, what am I, 15 minutes?
3
SPEAKER_03
But he just had fun with the concept of it.
3
SPEAKER_03
It is funny.
3
SPEAKER_03
I think we re gonna call it five hour energy.
3
SPEAKER_03
This is a good hook.
3
SPEAKER_03
It s gonna call five hours.
3
SPEAKER_03
Placebo is real.
3
SPEAKER_02
Let s look at our notes here.
3
SPEAKER_02
I have a question.
3
SPEAKER_02
Before we get an Emily Ratajkowski, which will be the last 45 minutes,
3
SPEAKER_02
When people say, a lot of our viewers said, because the clickbait I saw was Eric Andrew with Emily Ratajkowski, one of them s naked.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m like, click on it and I go, oh, it s the other one.
3
SPEAKER_03
No, but then she was naked too, but in the background.
3
SPEAKER_03
If that s the picture.
3
SPEAKER_03
You know when you go into that maelstrom, then you become inside that.
3
SPEAKER_03
Maelstrom?
3
SPEAKER_03
Energy.
3
SPEAKER_03
I m non-plustering.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, exactly.
3
SPEAKER_03
I don t know what maelstrom is, but I m teasing it.
3
SPEAKER_03
Well, I don t know if I used it properly, but it s kind of like if you date another kind of celebrity, you go into their ecosystem of how, as an influencer or whatever, she s constantly photographed all around the world.
3
SPEAKER_03
A whole different crowd.
3
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, that s all I m saying.
3
SPEAKER_04
Maelstrom.
3
SPEAKER_04
Well, why don t you say so?
3
SPEAKER_04
Ecosystem.
3
SPEAKER_04
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
3
SPEAKER_04
A Venn diagram of demographics.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, nothing s clicking for me yet.
3
SPEAKER_02
I did a gummy before I got here, so I m not gonna really... But you don t handle marijuana, and that s... I know, I don t know why I did it.
3
SPEAKER_04
Why did you do it?
3
SPEAKER_04
I panicked.
3
SPEAKER_04
Eric panicked.
3
SPEAKER_02
You might not have heard of this.
3
SPEAKER_02
Taylor Swift stating Travis Kelce.
3
SPEAKER_02
Stating Travis Scott?
3
SPEAKER_02
Is that what he s doing?
3
SPEAKER_02
Travis Kelce.
3
SPEAKER_03
A football player.
3
SPEAKER_03
That one is even matriculated to my brain.
3
SPEAKER_03
I ve seen it.
3
SPEAKER_03
The football player and the pop star.
3
SPEAKER_04
He s showing off my endoplasmic reticulum.
3
SPEAKER_03
I have three words left.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m going to save mine.
3
SPEAKER_02
We thought when Ashley Judd, when I was doing something for Paramount, she was doing like this, one of those spider movies or whatever.
3
SPEAKER_02
Ashley Judd was great.
3
SPEAKER_02
We were friends.
3
SPEAKER_02
And I told her once she had dictionary mouth because she kept saying words like that and it kept throwing me.
3
SPEAKER_02
And I go, are you doing that on purpose?
3
SPEAKER_02
She s like, no.
3
SPEAKER_02
And I m like, no, you can t throw that many into a sentence.
3
SPEAKER_02
Relax.
3
SPEAKER_02
Back to Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey.
3
SPEAKER_04
I m dating Travis Kelsey.
3
SPEAKER_04
Is that what you re getting?
3
SPEAKER_02
I see where this is going and I just want to get ahead of it.
3
SPEAKER_02
Do you feel like there s a weird interest from her fans and your friends and you ve got to be careful because you don t want to make her fans mad.
3
SPEAKER_02
Is there anything like that?
3
SPEAKER_04
No, I don t think, maybe I should think that way, and I d be more successful if I thought that way, but I don t.
3
SPEAKER_03
I don t think that s what you think.
3
SPEAKER_03
That wouldn t bother you.
3
SPEAKER_03
She was aware of you, and then she probably meets you like you are now, and it s, you know.
3
SPEAKER_02
Because you seem like an interesting guy.
3
SPEAKER_02
A charming, calm.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_02
You re not, but you seem.
3
SPEAKER_02
Sophisticated.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m a bit boring.
3
SPEAKER_02
Sophisticated.
3
SPEAKER_02
You know who I have a crush on and everyone gives me shit?
3
SPEAKER_02
David Spade.
3
SPEAKER_02
You know who I have a crush on and everyone gives me shit?
3
SPEAKER_02
David Spade.
3
SPEAKER_02
You know who I have a crush on and everyone gives me shit?
3
SPEAKER_02
David Spade.
3
SPEAKER_02
You know who I have a crush on and everyone gives me shit?
3
SPEAKER_02
David Spade.
3
SPEAKER_02
You know who I have a crush on and everyone gives me shit?
3
SPEAKER_02
David Spade.
3
SPEAKER_02
You know who I have a crush on and everyone gives me shit?
3
SPEAKER_02
David Spade.
3
SPEAKER_02
You know who I have a crush on and everyone gives me shit?
3
SPEAKER_02
David Spade.
3
SPEAKER_02
You know who I have a crush on and everyone gives me shit?
3
SPEAKER_02
David Spade.
3
SPEAKER_02
You know who I have a crush on and everyone gives me shit?
3
SPEAKER_02
David Spade.
3
SPEAKER_02
You know who I have a crush on and everyone gives me shit?
3
SPEAKER_02
David Spade.
3
SPEAKER_02
You know who I have a crush on and everyone gives me shit?
3
SPEAKER_02
David Spade.
3
SPEAKER_02
You know who I have a crush on and everyone gives me shit?
3
SPEAKER_02
David Spade.
3
SPEAKER_02
You know who I have a crush on
3
SPEAKER_02
Of like, you know who s actually kind of cute?
3
SPEAKER_02
They throw actually a lot.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m like, just to keep your friends at bay, like, don t worry, I know too, I know.
3
SPEAKER_03
But I m walking in this- I don t get anything like that at my time on the planet, you know?
3
SPEAKER_03
When you get in my age group, there s no caveat.
3
SPEAKER_03
You re still in the cute age group.
4
SPEAKER_00
I get beauty and the beast.
4
SPEAKER_00
I ve dated some good looking people in the public eye.
4
SPEAKER_00
People go, beauty and the beast every time.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I go, look, I m not a male model, but I m not the fucking elephant, man.
4
SPEAKER_00
Give me something.
4
SPEAKER_00
I look like Steve Urkel for the first 20 years of my life.
4
SPEAKER_00
Give me something.
4
SPEAKER_01
Let me have something.
4
SPEAKER_01
Heather Locklear or Nicolette Sheridan, it was always like, this fucking piece of shit.
4
SPEAKER_01
It was the same thing.
4
SPEAKER_01
It was beauty and the beast is one, but I always thought you couldn t flip that and say, this great looking guy is with his dog face whore.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s like, well, I mean, goddamn, but with us, it s like, it s a one safe thing to say about guys.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, that s fine.
4
SPEAKER_02
I ve been married 40 years to six different women.
4
SPEAKER_02
You know what?
4
SPEAKER_02
They stopped saying Beauty and the Beast to him a long time ago.
4
SPEAKER_02
Here s a bad pun.
4
SPEAKER_02
Heather Locklear, when I was doing the Grumpy Old Man with her, I d go, Heather Locklear.
4
SPEAKER_00
I don t do jokes.
4
SPEAKER_02
That s something you would do on, you know, don t put that on me.
4
SPEAKER_02
You got dicks connected by the barber.
4
SPEAKER_02
So I m fucking a chess set off this midget.
4
SPEAKER_00
Then we re going to.
4
SPEAKER_02
I wanna be in your writer s room.
4
SPEAKER_00
Sure, anytime.
4
SPEAKER_00
Come on down.
4
SPEAKER_00
You re gonna make 300 bucks a week, brother man.
4
SPEAKER_00
But what do I net?
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I have one more question, Dana.
4
SPEAKER_01
Seven dollars in a sandwich.
4
SPEAKER_01
I know all this gossipy stuff, I m sorry.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yes, let me spill the tea, girl.
4
SPEAKER_01
Listen.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
4
SPEAKER_01
When you, I don t know if Dana saw this, or the listeners at home, you re at a, this is the one that scared me, when you have someone crammed in a suitcase and they re trying to get out, and all these people around, and they re saying help, and you go, you shut the fuck up.
4
SPEAKER_01
With anyone that is any, obviously people kind of want to help, and you tell them to shut up, mind their fucking business, and I m like, God damn, it s just the most weirdest, grossest feeling, because people don t know what to do, and they think they should kill you.
4
SPEAKER_01
They re like, I m here to save a kidnapping, and who is in the,
4
SPEAKER_00
That was a Russian, what are they, contortionist, I think her name was Olga, I m not making that up.
4
SPEAKER_00
It wasn t even that big of a suitcase.
4
SPEAKER_02
You roll in a suitcase, just for the people listening.
4
SPEAKER_00
You roll in a suitcase and- This is not the best bit in the world, but like- No, it s good.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s good, it s good.
4
SPEAKER_02
It s the way you play it.
4
SPEAKER_02
There s the setup and it s all your acting.
4
SPEAKER_02
It s a good bit, it s not- And there s a hand that s not all the way zipped up.
4
SPEAKER_00
And we have safe words too.
4
SPEAKER_00
I was like, Olga, when you say popcorn, I m gonna let you out.
4
SPEAKER_00
She s like, I m fine.
4
SPEAKER_00
This is no problem.
4
SPEAKER_00
And she was like, I could be in here for hours.
4
SPEAKER_02
I am human pretzel.
4
SPEAKER_02
What is the problem, Mr. Andre Eric?
4
SPEAKER_02
I ll talk like this for no reason.
4
SPEAKER_02
No, but then there s a hand.
4
SPEAKER_02
And so people are noticing, what the fuck?
4
SPEAKER_02
And then you re yelling at them, which is so funny that you re like angry.
4
SPEAKER_02
Who s in there?
4
SPEAKER_01
And you go, you shut the, mind your fucking business.
4
SPEAKER_01
You said it s like a puppet or a toy.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh yeah, I don t remember that bit, to be honest with you.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, like excuses.
4
SPEAKER_02
We know you re, it s obviously a real person.
4
SPEAKER_02
Do you remember the one where you re hanging from a... No, I m sorry.
4
SPEAKER_02
We thought of stuff you d never remember.
4
SPEAKER_02
I love this.
4
SPEAKER_00
I love that you guys have actually seen it.
4
SPEAKER_02
I m flattered.
4
SPEAKER_02
Sure.
4
SPEAKER_02
Things that you may want to get to.
4
SPEAKER_02
Well, this is kind of interesting.
4
SPEAKER_02
Do you really think you re banned from SNL because of that issue?
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, no.
4
SPEAKER_00
I shouldn t have said anything.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m not.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s in your book.
4
SPEAKER_00
is it oh maybe it s on your wikipedia page that s in my bio i talked to your mom uh no it was it was like a just a stupid he s not allowed to come to the show for the rest of the year kind of thing with somebody that doesn t work there anymore and i met the woman that replaced her and she was like
4
SPEAKER_00
F that lady, you re always welcome to come by anytime.
4
SPEAKER_00
Don t worry about that.
4
SPEAKER_00
That was like a very great thing.
4
SPEAKER_00
I got too drunk before taping.
4
SPEAKER_00
I just wanted to come as an audience member to a taping.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I planned on enjoying a taping.
4
SPEAKER_00
It was Selena Gomez was hosting and Post Malone was the musical.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I was there and I drank hurricanes.
4
SPEAKER_00
Did I say that?
4
SPEAKER_00
Do I say it in the book?
4
SPEAKER_00
I drink slurry canes, yeah, and they re very strong.
4
SPEAKER_00
What is a hurricane?
4
SPEAKER_00
Just wanna know.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s rum, passion fruit syrup, and lemon.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s everything.
4
SPEAKER_00
But there s four ounces of Jamaican rum in it, so they re very breezy and very sweet.
4
SPEAKER_00
So you knock back one, and it s like the strength of three cocktails in one, and it s so sweet.
4
SPEAKER_02
And where did you have this cocktail?
4
SPEAKER_02
Downstairs in a...
4
SPEAKER_00
No, I was, I had a screening of Bad Trip earlier that day.
4
SPEAKER_00
We never got to screen the movie because of COVID.
4
SPEAKER_00
So we did these like one year anniversary screenings.
4
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_00
A year after the movie came out when, you know, life was kind of coming back to semi-normal.
4
SPEAKER_00
So we did a screening in LA and a screening in New York.
4
SPEAKER_00
So in the afternoon, I was like, this is the red carpet celebration I always wanted to have.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I made hurricanes in my green room.
4
SPEAKER_00
And we drank, I only drank like three of those things,
4
SPEAKER_00
Fucking hammered.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then you go to SNL and you re still buzzed.
4
SPEAKER_00
I went to hammer, that was more than buzz.
4
SPEAKER_00
I never throw up from drinking.
4
SPEAKER_00
I never ever throw up from drinking since I was.
4
SPEAKER_00
you know, in high school or something, and I was gonna throw up.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I was like, it s better that I just get up and leave and not throw up in the crowd than throw up in the crowd.
4
SPEAKER_00
During her monologue.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it was like right at the top.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I was like, I don t wanna vomit here, that d be very bad.
4
SPEAKER_01
And it s so dead silent, and you re stiff, and you re trying to get the spins.
4
SPEAKER_00
Very cramped, like the seats are tiny.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, it s very tight, the floor seats are really jammed.
4
SPEAKER_00
You don t realize how tiny it is on,
4
SPEAKER_00
on television, like the sets and everything, that studio is like, it s tight.
4
SPEAKER_00
So I was like, I don t want to vomit.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I turned to my date and I was like, I don t feel great.
4
SPEAKER_00
I might throw up.
4
SPEAKER_00
I have to get fresh air.
4
SPEAKER_00
She s like, I m easy.
4
SPEAKER_00
We went outside.
4
SPEAKER_00
I went to a halal cart on whatever street, 54th street.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I just started wolfing down halal.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then I felt like a million bucks and I went home.
4
SPEAKER_00
But it was, I did not want to throw up and disrespect Selena Gomez or Lauren.
4
SPEAKER_02
That s a comedy killer.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
Unless it s fake vomit on your show.
4
SPEAKER_01
I would love it on live.
4
SPEAKER_01
What would you do on live?
4
SPEAKER_01
And Selena would have to say something.
4
SPEAKER_00
I was far enough back, but I was quite inebriated.
4
SPEAKER_00
I needed to go home.
4
SPEAKER_00
I needed to go home.
4
SPEAKER_00
It was time for me to go home.
4
SPEAKER_01
My question was when you were saying about SNL, there was some interest, but was it a little too late?
4
SPEAKER_01
Like you got on your own show and it was sort of known as cool.
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, well, on my show, I had full creative freedom to do any sketch or prank or whatever I wanted.
4
SPEAKER_00
So it felt like it would have been lateral at best if I got on.
4
SPEAKER_00
Would you host if they called?
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh yeah, absolutely.
4
SPEAKER_00
You have to say yes.
4
SPEAKER_00
Any comedian that says no is lying.
4
SPEAKER_00
You have to have that experience.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m sure it s incredibly nerve wracking,
4
SPEAKER_02
You d be great, because you do stand-up, you do two specials, and you do sketch.
4
SPEAKER_01
And you re willing to do a lot, which they love.
4
SPEAKER_01
They love if they write, and then you can probably bring in some guys.
4
SPEAKER_01
What if I could pre-tape pranks?
4
SPEAKER_00
You can pre-tape stuff.
4
SPEAKER_02
If you hosted, they would do that.
4
SPEAKER_00
I would love to do, obviously, the monologue and sketches during the main event, but I d love to pre-tape pranks around New York, like earlier in the week.
4
SPEAKER_00
That d be a good idea.
4
SPEAKER_01
Because they do pre-tapes, because I saw this weekend,
4
SPEAKER_01
one or maybe even two, and what you used to do as a host, you d come in on a Monday, we d do nothing until Monday night meeting at six, but I think they pull you and make you shoot Monday now, and then maybe even Tuesday, because you don t have to do much as a host on Monday and Tuesday.
4
SPEAKER_00
I can t imagine the fucking pressure.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s so hard.
4
SPEAKER_00
I can t imagine that pressure.
4
SPEAKER_00
It is a lot.
4
SPEAKER_00
Why is it live?
4
SPEAKER_00
Why is it live?
4
SPEAKER_00
It s only making everybody s life so much more stressful.
4
SPEAKER_02
Well, one of the things, and I don t know if anyone had the prescience to figure this out, but it is a, it s a sporting event, you know, and it s also the fact that it s live.
4
SPEAKER_02
I can enjoy it, if the show s kind of tanking, and you can see people kind of just, it s not happening, especially on the East Coast, because there ll be a little bit of a sweeten for the West Coast.
4
SPEAKER_02
Of course, now you can see it on Peacock Live.
4
SPEAKER_02
I own stocks in Universal.
4
SPEAKER_02
Thanks, commercial.
4
SPEAKER_02
Look, Peacock, where all the good shows live.
4
SPEAKER_02
That s a byline I wrote, I get an annuity.
4
SPEAKER_01
Fuck that.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s almost the show that shows Yellowstone.
4
SPEAKER_01
But I feel it- Isn t that a different one?
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, that s Paramount, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
No, Yellowstone has been reconfigurated, now it s on CBS and getting huge numbers, like crazy numbers.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, was there some controversy or something?
4
SPEAKER_01
No, it s probably a little cleaned up because it s a little dirty.
4
SPEAKER_02
There was a lot of violence and some swear words and stuff, that s all.
4
SPEAKER_00
I don t like any swear words, I don t like any blue humor.
4
SPEAKER_02
By the way, the name of your book?
4
SPEAKER_02
Is Dumb Ideas.
4
SPEAKER_02
Dumb Ideas.
4
SPEAKER_00
But you were about to say something.
4
SPEAKER_02
You said prescient and then you like- Oh, I think I just meant that Saturday Night Live is a de facto reality show.
4
SPEAKER_02
You re seeing a football player or an actress try to do sketch comedy.
4
SPEAKER_02
So you re struggling with them.
4
SPEAKER_02
Good or bad.
4
SPEAKER_02
Right.
4
SPEAKER_02
And so that s one compelling ask.
4
SPEAKER_02
The other one is when someone comes on, you ve got 20 cast members, but this new man or woman comes on.
4
SPEAKER_02
and this is their big break, and you start to noticing them go up the food chain more and more, and seeing them evolve, you see the audience start to discover the performer.
4
SPEAKER_02
The performer then gets more confident, and you see it with Kristen Wiig, David, anybody, and that journey is also very compelling.
4
SPEAKER_02
So I don t know if 1975, Lauren s like, we ll have these other lanes, it ll be a comedy show, we ll have comedians, but we re gonna play
5
SPEAKER_02
these other arenas.
5
SPEAKER_00
Breaking bands too, when I was there we saw Nirvana, Pearl Jam, like when you re on there and you go, I can tell these people will be big.
5
SPEAKER_00
I can t personally, but I was told.
5
SPEAKER_00
These guys are good.
5
SPEAKER_00
Honestly, when Pearl Jam came out the second time, now I love them.
5
SPEAKER_00
But it takes me forever.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m like Europe.
5
SPEAKER_00
It takes me two years to get what people like.
5
SPEAKER_00
And then when they came out, I go, oh, Pearl Jam, are you going to do a live?
5
SPEAKER_00
That s my favorite.
5
SPEAKER_00
And the guys go, we did that last time.
5
SPEAKER_02
Here s a triple question for you.
5
SPEAKER_00
Well, I m so locked into my sketches.
5
SPEAKER_02
Here s a triple question.
5
SPEAKER_00
Oh, shit.
5
SPEAKER_02
As a consumer, as an artist, you musically film television, anything you watch or see or read, you re actually what you find most attractive in a woman in terms of her personality.
5
SPEAKER_02
And what is do you have a type?
5
SPEAKER_01
I don t think this is a triple question.
5
SPEAKER_02
No, I think I have a third one, but I didn t want to go political.
5
SPEAKER_01
All my answers are hack for that question.
5
SPEAKER_01
That s good though.
5
SPEAKER_00
What do you like?
5
SPEAKER_01
You don t like personality, do you?
5
SPEAKER_01
My therapist would be very proud for me to say, my therapist said- You really have a therapist?
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, several.
5
SPEAKER_01
I have several.
5
SPEAKER_01
My therapist said a great thing.
5
SPEAKER_01
They said,
5
SPEAKER_01
they can be physically attractive, but it can t be the first thing.
5
SPEAKER_01
It s gotta be like the fourth thing.
5
SPEAKER_01
If it s the fourth thing, and they have three other qualities that are higher in the ranking, that s
5
SPEAKER_00
Sense of humor.
5
SPEAKER_01
Sense of humor.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, that s what I was going to say.
5
SPEAKER_01
It sounds very hack, but it s true because sense of humor tells you if somebody s intelligent, it tells you their worldview, it tells you if they re on the same wavelength as you.
5
SPEAKER_01
If your sense of humor is matching, it s telling you green flags for all these other qualities.
5
SPEAKER_00
Specifically, if it s like,
5
SPEAKER_00
It s sort of when girls say, I like a sense of humor.
5
SPEAKER_00
Girls.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s, or women, whatever.
5
SPEAKER_00
Can I, I can t say girls anymore.
5
SPEAKER_00
I say boys.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, boys.
5
SPEAKER_00
But, but for women, if say sense of humor.
5
SPEAKER_00
The Rock is a really cool boy.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s like saying, it s like saying, I like music.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s a little vague.
5
SPEAKER_00
So you say, what kind of sense of humor?
5
SPEAKER_00
And if it jives with yours, then it s a big hit.
5
SPEAKER_00
You know, like there s,
5
SPEAKER_00
people that think I m funny and people that think I m not funny.
5
SPEAKER_00
So I m not funny.
5
SPEAKER_00
So if you see someone and then it s on the same wavelength, that means a lot.
5
SPEAKER_00
That s a big thing.
5
SPEAKER_00
You re right.
5
SPEAKER_00
And the looks is always in there, but- Looks don t last longer than three months.
5
SPEAKER_02
The therapist is asking you to take the feminine position because I think these are generic stereotypes in a way, but women have a wider bandwidth of what they can find attractive.
5
SPEAKER_02
and sense of humor, ambition, drive, all, personal, how they treat their friends.
5
SPEAKER_02
Men are like cavemen.
5
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, so your therapist is trying to get you to the looks being that fourth thing, so then it s gonna be about how are they with their, so they have friends, this woman, how are they with their family, you know, all these different things.
5
SPEAKER_01
Sure.
5
SPEAKER_02
How are they to a waiter?
5
SPEAKER_02
How are they to, are they kind?
5
SPEAKER_01
How are they to an Uber driver?
5
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, little things.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
I talked to someone recently.
5
SPEAKER_01
If they re rude to an Uber driver, it s a red flag.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_02
Was dating somebody and the headphones didn t work on the jet, I guess it was a prop jet, and the guy flipped out.
5
SPEAKER_02
What the fuck, man?
5
SPEAKER_02
I can t even fucking, and threw him against the plane.
5
SPEAKER_01
Who was this?
5
SPEAKER_02
Just someone I, it was just a red flag of someone.
5
SPEAKER_02
If you have someone like, their cocktail s not perfectly done in the rest of the first date,
5
SPEAKER_02
What the fuck, man?
5
SPEAKER_02
God damn it, it s too much vermouth.
5
SPEAKER_01
Fuck.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
If they re like a White Lotus character, then it s a red flag.
5
SPEAKER_02
That s right.
5
SPEAKER_02
You want chill.
5
SPEAKER_02
I know men at this point, women have their whole story, but this is a guy podcast.
5
SPEAKER_00
You know what else is good?
5
SPEAKER_00
Calm.
5
SPEAKER_00
General disposition, because sometimes, and demeanor, because if there s some people you re also, every time you see them, you go, I gotta try to get them up.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like they re kind of down or they re kind of in a bad mood, they re kind of grousey.
5
SPEAKER_00
and you re trying to go, hey, and you don t want to set them off.
5
SPEAKER_00
I mean, not to set them off, like it s that itchy, but just some people are just light.
5
SPEAKER_01
You don t want to feel like you re walking on eggshells.
5
SPEAKER_01
You want somebody who has the emotional regulation game down pat a little bit.
5
SPEAKER_00
Just a chill person.
5
SPEAKER_01
Because, yeah.
5
SPEAKER_02
Have you had a, you re a young man, have you had a relationship that lasted a few years?
5
SPEAKER_02
The longest I ve gone is a year and a half.
5
SPEAKER_02
That s fine.
5
SPEAKER_02
I know a celebrity that doesn t want me to mention it.
5
SPEAKER_00
Popcorn, popcorn.
5
SPEAKER_00
The long as he eats.
5
SPEAKER_02
This celebrity.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m like that though.
5
SPEAKER_00
I know a celebrity that can only go 30 days.
5
SPEAKER_01
I m working on that, I m working on it.
5
SPEAKER_02
30 days is the longest he can go.
5
SPEAKER_01
Really?
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
Really.
5
SPEAKER_01
30 days.
5
SPEAKER_01
Some would say that s an avoidant.
5
SPEAKER_01
What was his name again?
5
SPEAKER_01
I can t.
5
SPEAKER_01
Say his name again, I couldn t hear.
5
SPEAKER_01
James Earl Jones.
5
SPEAKER_02
Damn it!
5
SPEAKER_01
Neil deGrasse Tyson.
5
SPEAKER_02
No, I can t call Jimmy for Thanksgiving now.
5
SPEAKER_01
That would be Jamie.
5
SPEAKER_01
So that s fine.
5
SPEAKER_01
There is a shift occurring.
5
SPEAKER_01
I m having my, I just turned 40.
5
SPEAKER_01
I m having my midlife crisis shift in my priorities.
5
SPEAKER_01
I was very focused on making whatever type of comedy that I ve been trying to do work, and it takes 20 fucking years.
5
SPEAKER_01
It s hard, and I have a very specific, nuanced, comedic POV and sensibility, so it s not for everybody, and it s not for me.
5
SPEAKER_01
a normal or mainstream uh point of view so it took me a very very long time still figuring it out but i feel like it s on its feet a little bit more than it was 10 years ago or 20 years ago and i have somewhat of a body of work to show like hey this is what i m trying to do but it took two decades so now that it s
5
SPEAKER_01
somewhat on its feet.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m no Shecky Green.
5
SPEAKER_00
But you re famous.
5
SPEAKER_00
You have a brand, you have a lane, like people know about you.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, there s something there.
5
SPEAKER_01
There s some body of work I can point to now where now I m like, what else is life about?
5
SPEAKER_01
And I don t think just money or career is a wealth.
5
SPEAKER_01
I think love is a wealth and love life is a wealth.
5
SPEAKER_01
Now I m like, oh, maybe there s other aspects of my adult life that I could nourish.
5
SPEAKER_01
And before the first 20 years of my career, 20 to 40, I was just like, hey, you re hot and you re paying attention to me.
5
SPEAKER_01
Let s make out for a year.
5
SPEAKER_01
And then I d be like, uh, I m not really thinking about it more three dimensionally.
5
SPEAKER_01
And now,
5
SPEAKER_01
through an immense amount of therapy as a child of divorce, I am thinking about it more three-dimensionally and realizing that an amazing woman in your life can bring a lot of balance.
5
SPEAKER_02
I was gonna say the word balance, not even a big word, but you know, you got your show business lane.
5
SPEAKER_02
And then if it s all about that lane and the balloon gets a little deflated for a couple of years, you know,
5
SPEAKER_02
You re not a shiny object anymore.
5
SPEAKER_02
You want to come home.
5
SPEAKER_01
I think it would be nourishing for my life if I came home to my best friend every day and I could vent to her and we could share experiences together.
5
SPEAKER_01
But the first 20 years of my adult life in the workforce, I was just like, let s make out and hump.
5
SPEAKER_01
That s all right.
5
SPEAKER_02
Lorne Michael said once, there s something about a man in his 40s and a woman in her 20s.
5
SPEAKER_02
That is a link, that is a link.
5
SPEAKER_01
I feel like- You want to establish your career.
5
SPEAKER_01
Which is a horrible way to start a sentence, but I do feel like the gal on a date now where I m like, what are you looking for on a first date?
5
SPEAKER_01
Whereas in my 20s, I would just be like, you re hot, check us out.
5
SPEAKER_01
Am I making you laugh?
5
SPEAKER_01
And girls are like, shut the fuck up.
5
SPEAKER_00
All right, let s make out.
5
SPEAKER_00
Girls kiss me mostly to stop me from talking, I agree.
5
SPEAKER_02
They take you, like, shut up and kiss me.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, they just go, shut up and kiss me.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s not romantic, it s literally shut up.
5
SPEAKER_00
Anything to stop me.
5
SPEAKER_01
Now are you going to settle down?
5
SPEAKER_00
Well, I was hearing you.
5
SPEAKER_00
and I was getting your free therapy.
5
SPEAKER_00
What s the longest relationship you ve ever had?
5
SPEAKER_00
Three table dances in a row.
5
SPEAKER_00
That was my old answer.
5
SPEAKER_00
That was from my special.
5
SPEAKER_00
That was from an old joke I did.
5
SPEAKER_00
No, but I hear you.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I get it too.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I m a child of divorce, so I never even try to look too that deep into it.
5
SPEAKER_00
But yeah, there s definitely some...
5
SPEAKER_00
the red flag store has gone out of business over here.
5
SPEAKER_01
So it s just, it s just- Would you say it s an avoidant attachment style?
5
SPEAKER_01
My therapist also was like, don t pathologize yourself too much.
5
SPEAKER_01
Just, you ll, we ll figure it out.
5
SPEAKER_01
I also don t believe in societal norms.
5
SPEAKER_01
Right.
5
SPEAKER_01
Always being like the answer for everybody.
5
SPEAKER_01
I agree.
5
SPEAKER_01
And each person has their own universe and whatever makes you happy, makes you happy.
5
SPEAKER_00
I agree to that.
6
SPEAKER_02
Some people want marriage and children.
6
SPEAKER_02
Some people want no marriage.
6
SPEAKER_02
Some people want children with no marriage.
6
SPEAKER_02
Some people want marriage with no children.
6
SPEAKER_02
So it s all, everything works.
6
SPEAKER_01
I was on Bill Maher s show and he s apologetic going, people are mad at Bill Maher because he has a wife and a kid.
6
SPEAKER_01
I go, I m not mad at you.
6
SPEAKER_01
I don t care at all.
6
SPEAKER_01
What do you mean?
6
SPEAKER_01
You have to live like me?
6
SPEAKER_00
But I think it s still, that s the prevalent
6
SPEAKER_00
Is that a word?
6
SPEAKER_00
Prevalent?
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_00
The prevalent, I can t continue after I say it.
6
SPEAKER_00
Oh, please.
6
SPEAKER_00
I don t know what it means.
6
SPEAKER_00
But you know, people have the wife and kids and the family.
6
SPEAKER_00
The prevailing.
6
SPEAKER_00
Every movie is.
6
SPEAKER_00
And every movie is like, well, you have family and you come home.
6
SPEAKER_00
And if you re watching those movies and you don t have a family, those bother people too.
6
SPEAKER_00
You can t just say, oh, and at the end of the movie, they get back together and then they have the kids and then they re all in the same house.
6
SPEAKER_00
And you go, I know that s what everyone s saying, but I don t know if everyone is exactly that anymore.
6
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_00
Very modern families out there.
6
SPEAKER_01
Well, the birth rate is not being replaced in the Western world.
6
SPEAKER_01
I mean, we re not at replacement.
6
SPEAKER_01
At least us Irish Norwegians are not replacing ourselves in America right now.
6
SPEAKER_01
Because a lot of the, there s no money.
6
SPEAKER_01
There s 77 trillion with my tribe, the Baby Boomers.
6
SPEAKER_01
We have all the money.
6
SPEAKER_01
We paid all the debts, all went to us.
6
SPEAKER_01
And so the kids are coming up, young people trying to buy a house, the home ownership s way down.
6
SPEAKER_01
What I would pay $300 for an apartment in the 70s now is like $4,500.
6
SPEAKER_01
So there is all that too.
6
SPEAKER_01
It takes money to have a family.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_02
Kids are expensive.
6
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
6
SPEAKER_02
And I like sleeping in, I like traveling, and I like only spending
6
SPEAKER_02
my extra shekels on myself, selfishly.
6
SPEAKER_02
If I think like, oh, I want to take a trip to whatever.
6
SPEAKER_02
I want to go to Paris.
6
SPEAKER_02
If I was like, I want to go to Paris, but I have to pay for my wife and my three kids.
6
SPEAKER_02
I m like, shit, you guys are dragging me down.
6
SPEAKER_02
hurt my pockets, right?
6
SPEAKER_01
I wouldn t be in a hurry.
6
SPEAKER_01
I know a lot of dads who started their family in their 50s.
6
SPEAKER_01
I know that too, that s more common than, I mean, Al Pacino.
6
SPEAKER_01
The testosterone goes down and then someone like a Clooney or a Warren Beatty can go, okay, I had 7,000 girlfriends, now I can lock in.
6
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, Warren Beatty was like Will Chamberlain, right?
6
SPEAKER_02
Wasn t he?
6
SPEAKER_02
He was fucking wild.
6
SPEAKER_02
Charming.
6
SPEAKER_02
Johnny Carson too, wasn t he?
6
SPEAKER_02
Johnny, Johnny.
6
SPEAKER_02
I heard he humped around a little bit.
6
SPEAKER_01
It would be more normal.
6
SPEAKER_01
Every single extra every year.
6
SPEAKER_01
Really?
6
SPEAKER_01
Oh yeah.
6
SPEAKER_01
Oh yeah.
6
SPEAKER_01
Let s do poppers.
6
SPEAKER_01
Let s do poppers tonight right before.
6
SPEAKER_02
Are you serious?
6
SPEAKER_02
No.
6
SPEAKER_02
I heard he had to have sex with five women a night or something like insane.
6
SPEAKER_01
I knew someone who was his girlfriend when he was like, she was like 30 and he was like 64 and they d be at a party and he d be hitting on someone over by the stairwell.
6
SPEAKER_01
So you do these pompers.
6
SPEAKER_00
Well, if you were divorced twice, it would be more normal.
6
SPEAKER_00
What s that?
6
SPEAKER_00
If you were divorced twice by now, it d be more normal.
6
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, that s the other thing.
6
SPEAKER_02
A lot of my friends my age, late 30s, early 40s, are all, not all going through divorce, but a shit ton of my friends are going through divorce.
6
SPEAKER_02
So that, I was like, I m a child of divorce and I m traumatized.
6
SPEAKER_02
From my parents  divorce, they got divorced when I was like 11 turning 12, which is an awkward age.
6
SPEAKER_02
So I was always worried about that.
6
SPEAKER_02
I was like, oh, I don t wanna get married, break up with someone, or have a kid, and then have to tell my, have to do what my parents did.
6
SPEAKER_02
My parents were very beautiful and loving, but- How old were you?
6
SPEAKER_02
I was like 11 turning 12.
6
SPEAKER_00
Hard.
6
SPEAKER_02
Super awkward.
6
SPEAKER_02
Hard.
6
SPEAKER_02
Sixth grade.
6
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_02
And my parents didn t communicate well.
6
SPEAKER_02
They didn t really tell me properly what was going on.
6
SPEAKER_02
My dad was just like, I m going to live somewhere else for a little bit.
6
SPEAKER_02
And I was like, okay, that s weird.
6
SPEAKER_02
And then I had to put the pieces together.
6
SPEAKER_02
I was like, are you guys getting divorced?
6
SPEAKER_02
And they were like,
6
SPEAKER_02
uh yeah and i was like what so um uh it s hard uh well we could end on that downer what else is going on
6
SPEAKER_01
Give me a 10 hour energy.
6
SPEAKER_01
I had therapy, I started at 60 and I went for five years.
6
SPEAKER_01
I got it a little too late.
6
SPEAKER_01
Really?
6
SPEAKER_01
I ve been doing it.
6
SPEAKER_01
So the fact that you re doing it now before these other life choices.
6
SPEAKER_02
I started when I was 25 and right when I started therapy, I was like, I wish I was doing this since I was 10.
6
SPEAKER_02
I was like, I wish- Right at the divorce would have helped probably.
6
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
6
SPEAKER_02
Someone to talk to.
6
SPEAKER_00
It would have helped immensely.
6
SPEAKER_02
My dad was a psychiatrist who never went to therapy.
6
SPEAKER_02
My dad just passed away like a year ago, but when I was on the phone with him a few hours ago, I was like, dad, I got to go.
6
SPEAKER_02
I m pulling up to my therapist.
6
SPEAKER_02
And he was like,
6
SPEAKER_02
Therapy?
6
SPEAKER_02
Those people just tell you what you wanna hear.
6
SPEAKER_02
I was like, aren t you a fucking psychiatrist?
6
SPEAKER_02
Don t you work with therapists?
6
SPEAKER_02
Don t you work in the mental health?
6
SPEAKER_02
He was a strange, he was a strange.
6
SPEAKER_01
That s what people would say to me when I went.
6
SPEAKER_01
My brothers would go, did she fix ya?
6
SPEAKER_01
Did she fix ya?
6
SPEAKER_02
My mom said the best thing.
6
SPEAKER_02
My mom who needs therapy more than I do.
6
SPEAKER_02
Who s in the book a lot, too, with emails and stuff.
6
SPEAKER_02
I go, Ma, same thing.
6
SPEAKER_02
I go, Ma, I gotta go, I m going to therapy.
6
SPEAKER_02
And she went, therapy?
6
SPEAKER_02
Okay, Mr. California.
6
SPEAKER_02
And I was like, she thought I was like a new age-y.
6
SPEAKER_02
I was like, no one on earth needs therapy more than you.
6
SPEAKER_02
She s like, no, I tried therapy once when grandma died.
6
SPEAKER_02
And the guy was just like, eh, try antidepressants.
6
SPEAKER_02
And I was like, no, I m not doing that.
6
SPEAKER_02
So I was like, I don t know.
6
SPEAKER_00
I say, mom, I m going to my astrologist now.
6
SPEAKER_00
She s like, that is bullshit.
6
SPEAKER_00
No, people get, I like when women ask you, when were you born?
6
SPEAKER_00
And I go, how old am I?
6
SPEAKER_00
They go, no, just when, what time and where?
6
SPEAKER_00
And I go, uh-oh, that s my red flag.
6
SPEAKER_00
I go, no.
6
SPEAKER_00
And she s like, yeah, let me just check the moons and everything and I ll get back to you.
6
SPEAKER_02
And I go, if it s predicated on that, I m- Yeah, I will say women are quite into astrology.
6
SPEAKER_02
If you meet, if you have a crush on a gal that is not into astrology, I would marry her.
6
SPEAKER_02
She is a diamond in the rough.
6
SPEAKER_00
The one past that is my psychic told me, I go, oh boy, go back to the astrologist.
6
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, yeah.
6
SPEAKER_00
The astrologist is based on something.
6
SPEAKER_00
But they do say, and I actually believe some psychics work, but I don t know if that s the one they re hitting.
6
SPEAKER_00
You know, it s just too much of a crapshoot.
6
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
6
SPEAKER_01
So wait, are you married?
6
SPEAKER_01
Oh yeah, for 40 years.
6
SPEAKER_01
You ve married for 40 years.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_00
So if you split it- So you guys are like the opposite.
6
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, we both- You guys are the fucking opposite.
6
SPEAKER_00
We re the opposite.
6
SPEAKER_00
Amortize it.
6
SPEAKER_00
And yet we re very good friends.
6
SPEAKER_00
Amortize.
6
SPEAKER_00
Totally different.
6
SPEAKER_02
Are you gonna get married at the end of this year?
6
SPEAKER_02
Soon.
6
SPEAKER_02
Did you see my sidekick?
6
SPEAKER_00
No.
6
SPEAKER_00
I m a little late to the game, but I am trying to struggle through life.
6
SPEAKER_00
So I do, I am aware of my craziness, so.
6
SPEAKER_00
Is it fixed yet?
6
SPEAKER_00
No.
6
SPEAKER_01
My wife and I, if she ll come in from the store and then I m going to go to the store, she ll come with me to the store so we can hang out.
6
SPEAKER_02
Uh-huh.
6
SPEAKER_02
Wow.
6
SPEAKER_02
So this is going good.
6
SPEAKER_02
I guess he wins that round.
6
SPEAKER_01
Must be nice.
6
SPEAKER_00
I know.
6
SPEAKER_00
Jesus.
6
SPEAKER_01
I just say, guys, I mean, you know.
6
SPEAKER_00
No, I m content right now with my life.
6
SPEAKER_01
You have dark, it s like this elliptical thing of the sun goes behind the moon.
6
SPEAKER_01
You have years where you re not, some years you re not really connecting.
6
SPEAKER_01
It s when you don t leave after that and you kind of go, God, we re in a ditch.
6
SPEAKER_01
And then it starts to come around again.
6
SPEAKER_01
And you re like, it s all that good again.
6
SPEAKER_01
So a lot of people pull the ripcord on the first time.
6
SPEAKER_01
I don t even like this person.
6
SPEAKER_01
I m not attracted to this person.
6
SPEAKER_01
Bloop, 100 million.
6
SPEAKER_01
That s me.
6
SPEAKER_01
The first slump.
6
SPEAKER_01
You get out and I m like, ah, is this when the bad times start?
6
SPEAKER_01
You weren t ready.
6
SPEAKER_01
You may never get married, but you weren t ready.
6
SPEAKER_01
You re so career driven.
6
SPEAKER_01
It would have been a very special kind of person.
6
SPEAKER_00
It s good to stay friends with, I try to stay friends because sometimes that s even harder to find someone you actually like to hang out with.
6
SPEAKER_00
you know, if it doesn t work and they stay in your life over time, you start to go, this person is more right than I thought, because you see them mad, sad, the way they handle different things in life.
6
SPEAKER_00
And you go, I can handle that.
6
SPEAKER_00
I can handle that temperament.
6
SPEAKER_00
And you start to go, there s more of a growing attraction over time in a weird way.
6
SPEAKER_00
And some of you just go, we weren t right for each other.
6
SPEAKER_00
And I m, listen, I did the same thing.
6
SPEAKER_00
Divorced when I was four.
6
SPEAKER_00
Dad took off, stepdad, and then stepdad killed himself.
6
SPEAKER_00
There s so many weird, crazy things that happen.
6
SPEAKER_00
Is that why you re a comedian, I think?
6
SPEAKER_00
I think it might be why I m a comedian, also just trying to make money and just make ends meet, knowing it wasn t coming from anywhere.
6
SPEAKER_00
There s no rich friend or rich relative, so we just were sort of scraping.
6
SPEAKER_00
But it s no like, for me, it s just everyone s had a rough
6
SPEAKER_00
rough stories growing up, but I do have to look, you know, you look at it, how it fits into the whole picture and you go, okay, there s some crazy in there that obviously.
6
SPEAKER_00
came from certain things.
6
SPEAKER_00
So try to analyze it and then, you know, watch porn, whatever most people do.
6
SPEAKER_00
Porn is so boring.
6
SPEAKER_02
Watch porn, film your own porn.
6
SPEAKER_01
Every once in a while, I ll just look at it for a little bit.
6
SPEAKER_01
And then I m like, ah.
6
SPEAKER_00
It s bad when you gotta up the stakes.
6
SPEAKER_00
That s when you gotta get out.
6
SPEAKER_00
You gotta go, uh-uh.
6
SPEAKER_00
I m not going to squirter, I m not.
6
SPEAKER_01
You re not going to.
6
SPEAKER_00
I don t click on it.
6
SPEAKER_02
One time my friend was like, dude,
7
SPEAKER_02
I jacked off to anime, like Japanese animation.
7
SPEAKER_02
He goes, I jacked off to anime.
7
SPEAKER_02
We re in high school.
7
SPEAKER_02
We re like 18 years old.
7
SPEAKER_02
Jesus.
7
SPEAKER_02
He goes, I jerked off to anime.
7
SPEAKER_02
And all my friends, we all start making fun of him.
7
SPEAKER_02
We re like, ah, you re a fucking weirdo loser.
7
SPEAKER_02
And then like 24 hours later, we were all like, oh, I watched the anime.
7
SPEAKER_02
Anime is 24 hours later?
7
SPEAKER_00
Isn t that cartoons?
7
SPEAKER_01
I thought you were gonna say 20 years later.
7
SPEAKER_02
There s no fetish here.
7
SPEAKER_02
But I love that guys are always like, ew, you jerked off to the weird, obscure thing.
7
SPEAKER_02
And then like an hour later, we re like, maybe we should just- Maybe just check it out.
7
SPEAKER_00
Check it out.
7
SPEAKER_00
All right, let s go on that one.
7
SPEAKER_00
I like porn jokes.
7
SPEAKER_00
Thank you.
7
SPEAKER_00
Porn jokes are great.
7
SPEAKER_00
I want to get back in a ditch where we re really depressed.
7
SPEAKER_00
No, we were good.
7
SPEAKER_03
You know what depressed you with my wife going to the store with me?
7
SPEAKER_03
Was that kind of- No, I like it.
7
SPEAKER_02
That was impressive.
7
SPEAKER_03
It s very sweet.
7
SPEAKER_03
Depressive for you guys.
7
SPEAKER_02
No, no, no, it s interesting.
7
SPEAKER_02
You guys both picked- Gives you hope.
7
SPEAKER_02
too specific.
7
SPEAKER_02
I don t even know different, but two very specific paths with love life stuff.
7
SPEAKER_03
Right, with me, and here s what I could ask for you.
7
SPEAKER_02
But there s pros and cons to everything, right?
7
SPEAKER_02
There s pros and cons to everything?
7
SPEAKER_03
You just decide, you double down for each other.
7
SPEAKER_03
It s after you, no after you.
7
SPEAKER_03
We did a personality test across the kitchen table last year, and we both came out helper, so we re just.
7
SPEAKER_02
Were your parents married all the way to the end?
7
SPEAKER_03
I had a really rough childhood.
7
SPEAKER_03
He sort of, yeah, yeah.
7
SPEAKER_03
My dad was a piece of work, yeah.
7
SPEAKER_03
Okay, let s end the podcast right now.
7
SPEAKER_00
God, we just keep slumping back down.
7
SPEAKER_03
Oh, Jesus Christ, I can t talk politics with you, because you don t know shit.
7
SPEAKER_03
No, he was an orphan, and he had his issues.
7
SPEAKER_03
Narcissism running around.
7
SPEAKER_03
My mom made me her surrogate husband.
7
SPEAKER_03
There were five kids, so I was responsible for her, like David was for his mom.
7
SPEAKER_03
And there s just a lot of responsibility there.
7
SPEAKER_03
And a lot of cruelty and weirdness, but five kids in the 60s, a lot of independence.
7
SPEAKER_03
But you know, most comedians have kind of a, a little bit of an edge to them.
7
SPEAKER_03
I would say.
7
SPEAKER_03
We re not normal.
7
SPEAKER_03
Christ sakes, we re not all normal in the brain pan.
7
SPEAKER_03
You know, we ve been through the gauntlet a couple of times.
7
SPEAKER_00
Anyway, I got hit by a car once.
7
SPEAKER_00
Eric was our guest.
7
SPEAKER_00
This just keeps getting worse.
7
SPEAKER_00
Eric Andre, I don t think this is depressing to talk about human stuff.
7
SPEAKER_00
I think it s good to talk about.
7
SPEAKER_00
I think it s fun to talk about.
7
SPEAKER_00
It s fun to hear we re all crazy in different ways.
7
SPEAKER_03
Because we ve seen, Eric, the stuff you re doing.
7
SPEAKER_03
And by the way, the special, I thought as I was watching it, your last special, you were deconstructing the idea of a standup while you re doing standup.
7
SPEAKER_03
Oh, wow.
7
SPEAKER_03
Thank you.
7
SPEAKER_03
That s what I felt.
7
SPEAKER_03
Because I was like, oh, he s completely having fun with the whole idea.
7
SPEAKER_03
Here s the funny guy.
7
SPEAKER_03
You dive in, you re kissing a guy in the audience.
7
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, yeah, I sweat all over.
7
SPEAKER_03
But I do think it s good to talk about this, because they know we re funny.
7
SPEAKER_03
I mean, your special s out.
7
SPEAKER_03
What s the name of your special?
7
SPEAKER_00
Nothing personal.
7
SPEAKER_00
Oh, okay.
7
SPEAKER_02
Because many times you couldn t remember it.
7
SPEAKER_02
Is it on Peacock?
7
No.
7
SPEAKER_00
I just wanted to plug Peacock one more time.
7
SPEAKER_00
It s on Instagram Live.
7
SPEAKER_00
It s on Flublo, which is a cross between Tubo and Google.
7
SPEAKER_00
It s on Pluto TV.
7
SPEAKER_00
It s on Alibaba.
7
SPEAKER_00
It s on Babo, yeah.
7
SPEAKER_00
It s a niche network that you can t get with a conventional television.
7
SPEAKER_03
It was a smash.
7
SPEAKER_03
He s putting butts in the seats, let me tell you that when he s out on the road.
7
SPEAKER_00
It s good to talk to him and learn way more about you.
7
SPEAKER_00
It s a lot of fun to have a normal conversation.
7
SPEAKER_00
If this was normal, I think it was normal.
7
SPEAKER_00
I think it was very normal.
7
SPEAKER_00
As normal as America can tolerate.
7
SPEAKER_00
Is this on in America?
7
SPEAKER_02
Mm-mm, just North Korea.
7
SPEAKER_03
We haven t got that coverage yet.
7
SPEAKER_03
We re actually big in- Who told you that?
7
SPEAKER_03
Lithuania.
7
SPEAKER_00
Iran is our biggest audience.
7
SPEAKER_00
This is being dropped on Ukraine as a gift.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I thought.
7
SPEAKER_00
That s what I figured.
7
SPEAKER_00
Biden is our biggest fan.
7
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, it s the best podcast there is to do.
7
SPEAKER_01
All right, thanks, bud.
7
SPEAKER_01
Thank you.
7
SPEAKER_01
All right, I appreciate it.
7
SPEAKER_01
We ll walk you out.
7
SPEAKER_01
Okay, sounds good.
7
SPEAKER_01
You know, the late, great Louis C.K.
7
SPEAKER_01
has a joke.
7
SPEAKER_01
He s not dead.
7
SPEAKER_00
This has been a podcast presentation of Cadence 13.
7
SPEAKER_00
Please listen, then rate, review and follow all episodes.
7
SPEAKER_00
Available now for free wherever you get your podcast.
7
SPEAKER_00
No joke, folks.
7
SPEAKER_03
Fly on the Wall has been a presentation of Cadence 13, executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Chris Corcoran of Cadence 13 and Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment.
7
SPEAKER_00
The show s lead producer is Greg Holtzman with production and engineering support from Serena Regan and Chris Basil of Cadence 13.