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 Bring a little optimism into your life with The Bright Side, a new kind of daily podcast from Hello Sunshine, hosted by me, Danielle Robay.
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And me, Simone Boyce.
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Every weekday, we're bringing you conversations about culture, the latest trends, inspiration, and so much more.
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I am so excited about this podcast, The Bright Side.
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You guys are giving people a chance to shine a light on their lives, shine a light on a little advice that they want to share.
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Open your free iHeart app and search The Bright Side.
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Our episodes are packed with fun activities.
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Listen to Stories for Kids on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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 A new season of Bridgerton is here.
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And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
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I'm your host, Gabby Collins.
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And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the ton.
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Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
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Then fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.
0
SPEAKER_09
 Is someone just describing all their exes as crazy or insane?
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SPEAKER_09
But then on top of that, are they also just with you because they didn't like being alone?
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And this is the kind of stuff you notice through their language.
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Like, oh, I'm just so glad to not be with that person anymore.
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I'm so glad I don't have that in my life anymore.
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Rather than, this is what I appreciate about you.
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This is what I really value about you.
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Notice how it's a negative skew versus a positive skew.
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SPEAKER_09
A negative skew of the past is not as good as a positive skew to the future.
0
SPEAKER_09
 Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world.
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SPEAKER_09
Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to listen, learn and grow.
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SPEAKER_09
We've had some incredible, fascinating
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SPEAKER_09
 episodes recently so many amazing conversations i want to make sure that you don't miss out on them this week we had the one and only big sean a couple of weeks ago we had the one and only lauren london two phenomenal episodes and one of your favorite solo episodes was last week seven ways to be productive even when you're tired and from a few months ago this one really stood out to all of you
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 8 types of people you need in your life for 2022.
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SPEAKER_09
That was January 28th.
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Make sure you go back and take a listen if you missed those.
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SPEAKER_09
Again, I am so grateful for your time, so grateful for your ears, and so grateful for your energy and presence in this moment.
0
SPEAKER_09
 I also want to give a big shout out to all of you who've been bumping into me in and around LA or while I'm traveling and telling me that you listen to On Purpose.
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It means the world to me.
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I literally couldn't be happier when someone says to me, Jay, I listen to On Purpose and I just want to give you a massive hug.
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So even if I don't get to see you, if you're feeling that, I want to give you a big hug.
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I just want you to know that and I fully, fully mean that.
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 I want to thank all of you who have been leaving amazing reviews for On Purpose.
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There are so many that I want to share with you.
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We now have over 17,500 reviews.
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SPEAKER_09
Our goal for this year is 20,000.
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So if you get a moment, please, please, please leave us a review.
0
SPEAKER_09
 Okay, so today's episode is all about red flags that you shouldn't ignore and are signs to take seriously.
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The reason I'm sharing this episode is I was sitting with a friend recently, and she was telling me how she'd been with this guy for six months, and all of a sudden, he ghosted her.
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 Another friend told me that she was engaged to be married to this guy, and all of a sudden it fell apart.
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And here's what's really, really interesting.
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We always feel, when we experience these things, that they happen all of a sudden.
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When someone breaks up with you, doesn't it feel like, I have no idea how that happened?
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When someone ends things, doesn't it feel like, wait, everything was perfect.
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 When some things fall apart, doesn't it feel like, but that was going in the right direction.
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Rarely do we predict these moments.
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Rarely do we expect these moments.
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But they seem to happen in that order time and time again, where we're always caught off guard.
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We're always in a state of shock.
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 Why is it that it always feels that way?
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That is why they say love is blind.
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Because when we think we're in love, we become blind to the red flags.
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We become blind to the signs.
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And when someone breaks up with us or ends a relationship, that's when we start to become investigators and start noticing all the tiny details.
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But before that,
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 We ignored them.
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We didn't work through them.
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We didn't solve them.
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We didn't try to deeply understand them.
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So when I'm sharing these red flags with you today, I want you to see them more as a sign to stop and reflect.
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 A red flag doesn't mean the end.
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A red flag means an opportunity to investigate.
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An opportunity to pause, take some time, space and stillness to actually understand.
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And I say investigate first.
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And even before that, a red flag sparks inquiry.
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So in a relationship, when you first meet someone, you're just interested.
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 Now as time goes on, we have to become more inquisitive, not just interested, to deeply understand.
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When we start to spot red flags or signs that worry us, we have to investigate.
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And, of course, if things go too far, we may even have to interrogate.
0
SPEAKER_09
 So you notice the journey of understanding that ideally you go from being interested to being inquisitive and being intrigued and your whole relationship is just inquiring about the other person, being interested and learning about them, which is how I feel with Radhi.
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But if you see these signs, you see these red flags, you may have to take a moment.
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So I want to start off with a red flag that's very interesting because it's often not perceived in that way.
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 But a red flag is when someone wants to fall in love too fast.
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They want to move in with you really quickly.
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They're talking about marriage.
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They're talking about a proposal.
0
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They're talking about whisking you away.
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Now, this is pretty normal in our teens when we're inexperienced, when we're immature, when we don't have the understanding of our emotions and the person we're with.
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 But when we do this as adults, even if you're listening to this and you say, well, our relationship worked out and we did all of those things, I would encourage you to still reevaluate whether you believe that that was healthy.
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I often say to Radhi that sometimes I feel we fell in love too quick and we got lucky, but we had to do the work anyway.
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And that's what relationships do, is that if you try and force something to be fast, a relationship will kick back and push back
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 and ask you to do that work anyway.
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And so that's what happens.
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When you try and skip work in a relationship, the relationship pushes you back to the level.
0
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So sometimes you're like, well, wait a minute, it was so good when we started.
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I felt like we were at a seven.
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Now we're at a three.
0
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 It's because your relationship only actually got to a 3, you experienced some 7, and now you're being pushed back and asked to earn it.
0
SPEAKER_09
It's almost like you had the cheat code in the beginning, you skipped a few levels of the game, and now the game's saying, wait, wait, wait, we caught your cheat code, and now you need to go back a few levels and earn this level of a relationship.
0
SPEAKER_09
 So this term that's being used right now is love bombing.
0
SPEAKER_09
And it's interesting because the way therapists talk about it is that it's when someone makes you feel that you're dependent on them.
0
SPEAKER_09
 So you start thinking that if you don't keep up with your partner and if you pause, then there's something wrong with you.
0
SPEAKER_09
So if someone's saying to you, but how?
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You feel it, I feel it, let's just do it.
0
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You feel the same thing I feel, right?
0
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You wanna do this too, right?
0
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You want this too, right?
0
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And it's almost like you're being forced or impressed upon to live at a certain pace.
0
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 I always encourage everyone to live at the pace of love.
0
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That means to live at a pace that you love yourself.
0
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It means to live at a pace that you love life.
0
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That doesn't mean that there's no discomfort.
0
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It doesn't mean that you don't welcome challenges, but you're able to reframe your mind to approach them differently.
0
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 But you don't want to fall in love too fast.
0
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You don't want to be pushed into moving in too fast.
0
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If someone's talking about weddings on the first day, that is something to investigate.
0
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Because you know as well as they do, you barely know each other.
0
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Marriage is a lifelong commitment.
0
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I'll give you an example.
0
SPEAKER_09
If you ever want to buy a house, you may fall in love with the house the moment you see it.
0
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 But then you're meant to do certain checks.
0
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You do a mold test, you do a soil test, you do a test on the plumbing, the wiring.
0
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And then when you do the test, you realize whether it's a good investment or not.
0
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I'll give an example.
0
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Radhi and I fell in love with a home a few years ago, and we rented it.
0
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And we went to visit it a few times before we rented it.
0
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But the first day we went there, we both loved it.
0
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 Second day we went there, we both loved it.
0
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So we're like, this must be the home, let's rent it.
0
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We rented it.
0
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The first day we moved in and we arrived, the clock struck nine and all we heard were frogs croaking really, really loud.
0
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We didn't realize that the surroundings of this home were so damp
0
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 that we had frogs in our back garden that were croaking away.
0
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Now some people love the sound of frogs.
0
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They want to sleep to the sound of frogs.
0
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Not me and Radhi.
0
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But we got used to that and we still love the house.
0
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Now let me tell you a bit more.
0
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 This house was pretty old and it had a lot of cracks, it had a lot of holes that we didn't know about, we just thought it had character.
0
SPEAKER_09
And every night I would wake up at least three times thinking someone was inside my house because there'd be an animal through the floorboards.
0
SPEAKER_09
 there'd be an animal outside the window.
0
SPEAKER_09
Now when you're asleep, you can't tell the difference between an animal and a human.
0
SPEAKER_09
So when you hear steps, you wake up in anxiety.
0
SPEAKER_09
 I would hear animals in the floorboards every night, outside the window, knocking against the window, throughout the day.
0
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One day we even had a snake slither through the home.
0
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So now you're wondering, Jayanarathi, how did you fall in love with this house?
0
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We both love nature.
0
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We both love being outdoors.
0
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But what I'm trying to say to you is that
0
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 The more we lived there, the more we learned about it, we realized the work it required.
0
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And we chose not to make that our long-term home because of the work it required.
0
SPEAKER_09
But if you asked me that on the first day that I moved there, whether that could be my long-term home, I would have said yes.
0
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And this is what we do in relationships.
0
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We go to a home and we go, I love it.
0
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We find a person, we say, I love them.
0
SPEAKER_09
They're amazing.
0
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They're perfect.
0
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They're just what I've been looking for.
0
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 And then as we spend more time with them, we start to discover the cracks.
0
SPEAKER_09
We start to discover the weeds.
0
SPEAKER_09
And then the question we have to ask ourselves is, do I want to work with this?
0
SPEAKER_09
Do I want to invest in this?
0
SPEAKER_09
Do I want to develop this?
0
SPEAKER_09
 If the answer is yes, that's your relationship.
0
SPEAKER_09
And if it's not, and if it is, you have to live with it.
0
SPEAKER_09
I remember we had contractors come out.
0
SPEAKER_09
We were thinking about buying this home and I had contractors come out and walk me through what it would take to resurrect this property that we loved.
0
SPEAKER_09
And oh my gosh, not just was it incredibly expensive, not just was it tiring, not just was it exhausting to think about what needed to be done, it would have taken years.
0
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 And I tapped out.
0
SPEAKER_09
I said, I can't do this.
0
SPEAKER_09
I'm not patient enough.
0
SPEAKER_09
I don't have the time.
0
SPEAKER_09
That's not what I want to focus on.
0
SPEAKER_09
I want to focus on on purpose.
0
SPEAKER_09
I want to focus on my purpose.
0
SPEAKER_09
I want to focus on my career.
0
SPEAKER_09
I want to focus on our relationship.
0
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I want to be able to go on vacations.
0
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I don't want to get lost trying to do this.
0
SPEAKER_09
So this is that second principle from the idea of falling in love too fast.
0
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 When we investigate, we really start to understand what this is going to require.
0
SPEAKER_09
And a red flag in a relationship is when we go, oh, I don't need to investigate.
0
SPEAKER_09
Oh, no, no, we're good.
0
SPEAKER_09
We're good.
0
SPEAKER_09
We don't need to ask questions.
0
SPEAKER_09
No, no, no.
0
SPEAKER_09
I don't need to know that about them.
0
SPEAKER_09
Oh, no, no.
0
SPEAKER_09
I'm not interested in their past.
0
SPEAKER_09
 Oh, no, no, I'm not interested in that about them.
0
SPEAKER_09
We create this feeling that everything's new and everything's fine.
0
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That's what we did in the house.
0
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We're like, oh, but it's beautiful.
0
SPEAKER_09
There's so much sunlight.
0
SPEAKER_09
Oh, it's stunning, right?
0
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And I'm not telling you to be negative or spot the mistakes.
0
SPEAKER_09
I'm asking you to be aware of what work this is going to require if this is going to be real.
0
SPEAKER_09
 The third thing that I want you to spot out as a sign is when someone talks about all their past relationships negatively or as their partner's fault.
0
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What does this mean?
0
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It means they have not learned from their partner.
0
SPEAKER_09
 If someone only sees all their past relationships falling apart as a sign of their partner being insane, crazy or weird, it means they have not been a reflective individual.
0
SPEAKER_09
I'm not saying that their ex wasn't crazy.
0
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I'm not even saying that their ex didn't cause problems in the relationship.
0
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But what I'm saying is, can they reflect, do they have the capacity
0
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 to discuss their past relationship in a way that shows what they've learned, how they've matured, and how they've grown.
0
SPEAKER_09
Now, often someone will say, look, I'm not ready to talk about it yet because I don't think I've fully processed it.
0
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That's a healthier answer than, oh my gosh, yeah, he was crazy.
0
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She was insane.
0
SPEAKER_09
They were so intense.
0
SPEAKER_09
Because what's happening here is
0
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 They're not going to know how to process the lessons from the past to aid your relationship.
0
SPEAKER_09
They're not going to know their mistakes.
0
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They may not have the capacity to understand that.
0
SPEAKER_09
Now, I started to realize this when I was applying for jobs as an employee, but also when I became an employer.
0
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I would often sit down with a prospective employee and ask them the question.
0
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 What excites you about this job right now?
0
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What is it that is interesting to you about this job right now?
0
SPEAKER_09
Or how I usually start a job interview, which is, why is this job right for you right now, and why are you right for this job?
0
SPEAKER_09
And that's kind of the question you're asking in relationships, because relationships aren't just about two people, they're also about timing.
0
SPEAKER_09
And so the question you're really asking is, why are we right for each other, and why are we right for each other right now?
0
SPEAKER_09
 And so hiring someone is very similar to being in a relationship with them.
0
SPEAKER_09
And it's fascinating to me because I'd say 50% of the time, the answer was, I don't like my current job.
0
SPEAKER_09
And that is a real telltale sign about someone's motivation.
0
SPEAKER_09
If someone's motivation
0
SPEAKER_09
 to be with you is because they don't want to be where they are, chances are they're not making that decision based on real quality intention.
0
SPEAKER_09
If someone says to me, Jay, yeah, like the reason why this is right for me right now is I'm just bored at my current workplace.
0
SPEAKER_09
I'm not getting anything out of it.
0
SPEAKER_09
Notice they could say, Jay, what I'm really excited about is the opportunities here.
0
SPEAKER_09
I'm excited for the ability to grow with you and grow with your team.
0
SPEAKER_09
 Notice the difference.
0
SPEAKER_09
Now, I'm not saying it's a technique.
0
SPEAKER_09
I don't want someone to lie to me.
0
SPEAKER_09
I'm happy when people are honest with me.
0
SPEAKER_09
And actually, if someone's honest with me and tells me that their workplace isn't great, I'll be like, I want to help you in a different way.
0
SPEAKER_09
Like I want you to find a way out.
0
SPEAKER_09
But
0
SPEAKER_09
 I need to know you want to be with me, not that you don't want to not be where you are.
0
SPEAKER_09
A healthy relationship is not existing because you don't want to be where you are.
0
SPEAKER_09
A healthy relationship exists because you're with me because you want to be with me.
0
SPEAKER_09
And for so many people, their decision making is relieving stress.
0
SPEAKER_09
 rather than creating joy right their intention their focus is decreasing the pressure in their life rather than increasing the passion in their life and that's the question you want to see when someone's with you are they just decreasing pressure because you're easier you're nicer you're supposedly they're telling you you're not insane
0
SPEAKER_09
 And that's a step forward.
0
SPEAKER_08
When you find that bright spot to help you get through your day, it's powerful.
0
SPEAKER_07
That's where The Bright Side comes in.
0
SPEAKER_07
A new daily podcast from Hello Sunshine that's bringing you a daily dose of joy.
0
SPEAKER_07
I'm Danielle Robay.
0
SPEAKER_07
And I'm Simone Boyce.
0
SPEAKER_08
Listen, both Danielle and I are reporters.
0
SPEAKER_08
We've covered the news and we know the world can feel heavy, but The Bright Side podcast is a space to have a little fun, to learn something new and get into some friendly debates.
0
SPEAKER_07
 That's right.
0
SPEAKER_07
Join us five days a week to see how life can look from the bright side.
0
SPEAKER_07
We'll hear from celebrities, authors, experts and listeners like you.
0
SPEAKER_08
Whether it's relationships, friend advice or figuring out how to navigate life's transitions, we'll talk through it all together.
0
SPEAKER_07
Listen to The Bright Side from Hello Sunshine every weekday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_06
 Parents, ready to discover a new educational and interactive podcast for kids?
0
SPEAKER_06
Join Stories for Kids by Lingokids, where episodes are packed with fun activities.
0
SPEAKER_06
Right, Elliot?
0
SPEAKER_05
Oh, yes!
0
SPEAKER_05
We learned how to recycle at the beach.
0
SPEAKER_05
 That was great fun!
0
SPEAKER_05
Cowie, what do you say?
0
SPEAKER_05
It was!
0
SPEAKER_05
And that time when we did the science experiment and Billy made raisins dance!
0
SPEAKER_05
That is so cool, Billy!
0
SPEAKER_06
He did!
0
SPEAKER_06
Not to mention when a certain Elliot took up swimming classes with Lisa.
0
SPEAKER_05
That was me!
0
SPEAKER_06
Bet you can't catch me!
0
SPEAKER_06
I'm going to get you!
0
SPEAKER_06
 All this fun and more in our Stories for Kids.
0
SPEAKER_06
Lingo Kids' Stories for Kids is now available on Story Button, the kid-friendly device for screenless podcast listening.
0
SPEAKER_06
Listen to Stories for Kids on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_04
 Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt and we're the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_02
It's a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
0
SPEAKER_04
 like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
0
SPEAKER_02
We're back with season two of the podcast, which means more opportunities to glow up and become a more responsible and better adult, one life lesson at a time.
0
SPEAKER_04
And let me just tell you, this show is just as much for us as it is for you.
0
SPEAKER_04
So let's figure this stuff out together.
0
SPEAKER_04
This season, we're going to talk about whether or not we're financially and emotionally ready for dog ownership.
0
SPEAKER_02
 We're gonna figure out the benefits of a high yield savings account.
0
SPEAKER_04
And what exactly are the duties of being a member of the wedding party?
0
SPEAKER_02
All that plus so much more.
0
SPEAKER_04
Let's learn about all of it and then some.
0
SPEAKER_04
Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_09
 So the third idea was this idea of, is someone just describing all their exes as crazy or insane, or that they were the problem so they don't have the capacity to reflect, but then on top of that, are they also just with you because they didn't like being alone?
0
SPEAKER_09
And this is the kind of stuff you notice through their language, like, oh, I'm just so glad to not be with that person anymore, I'm so glad I don't have that in my life anymore, rather than, this is what I appreciate about you.
0
SPEAKER_09
 This is what I really value about you.
0
SPEAKER_09
Notice how it's a negative skew versus a positive skew.
0
SPEAKER_09
A negative skew of the past is not as good as a positive skew to the future.
0
SPEAKER_09
Just because you're with someone who thinks you're better than their ex doesn't mean that you are right for them or that that is a good fit, right?
0
SPEAKER_09
 So, the fifth reason is they're not great at managing conflict.
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Again, none of these signs are break up with them.
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They're the worst.
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We don't have these skills.
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We're not trained in these skills.
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 if someone doesn't handle your first conflict right, you've got to make that a priority to build if you want to invest in that relationship.
0
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Now I'd be honest and say when me and Radhi first got together, I don't think I managed conflict right and I don't think she managed conflict right.
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I think we both didn't understand and what I want you to understand about conflict is everyone has a different way of dealing with conflict and the easiest way is to figure out how that person deals with conflict and if it's healthy.
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Now
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 I'll give an example.
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Radhi's way of dealing with conflict is being quiet and thinking about it.
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My way of dealing with conflict is talking about it and having a conversation.
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They are polar opposites.
0
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Both are healthy for both of us.
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 Anger is not healthy.
0
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You feeling unsafe is not healthy.
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When Radhi doesn't talk to me, yes, do I feel upset or did I used to feel upset?
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Yes, but I didn't feel unsafe.
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I didn't feel threatened.
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I may feel a bit insecure, but not unsafe or threatened.
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And similarly, if I wanted to talk about it and she didn't, she didn't feel unsafe or threatened by me.
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It just felt uncomfortable.
0
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 So what I would encourage you to do is figure out your conflict style very early on and recognize that people have different ways of dealing with conflict and that's okay.
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But as long as you don't feel scared or unsafe or threatened.
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I want to share with you the biggest news of the year.
0
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 How many of you want to meditate?
0
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I can see your heads nodding.
0
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I can see you raising your hands.
0
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I can see you saying, yes, Jay, I really want to learn to meditate.
0
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How many of you would like to learn to meditate with me every single day?
0
SPEAKER_09
 Now, I already know what the answer is because I know how many messages, DMs, reviews, notes that I get saying, Jay, I'd love to meditate with you.
0
SPEAKER_09
Last year, we took meditation to Instagram and I meditated for around 40 days live and 20 million of you tuned in.
0
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Now, I am taking that same focus, that same presence to calm.
0
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 I've partnered up with Calm to release a new series called The Daily J where you can meditate with me every single day for 7 minutes to make it a real habit.
0
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I would love for you to come and join me and take part in building a really powerful meditation practice and guess what, we're going to do it together.
0
SPEAKER_09
Head over right now to calm.com forward slash J to get 40% off a premium membership that's calm.com forward slash J.
0
SPEAKER_09
 A really interesting red flag is when someone is highly touchy-feely physical with you without your permission and when you are trying to create distance.
0
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 So I find that a lot of people are trying to hold hands too early.
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They're trying to kiss too early.
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They're trying to get wherever they can too early.
0
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And if you just keep laughing it off and smiling it off because you're still attracted to them or you think they're the one or whatever it is, you're basically setting a boundary that says you can keep pushing boundaries and I will laugh it off.
0
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And unfortunately, that can escalate pretty bad.
0
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 That can get much more serious, much more quicker.
0
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And you don't want to land in a position where something bigger happens in a few years.
0
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Something bigger happens in a few years and you're wondering, well, how did that happen?
0
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Why did that happen?
0
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And why is that going on?
0
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And where did that come from?
0
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And I'm not saying it's your fault at all.
0
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I'm not saying that that's ever condoned.
0
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I'm saying that you can set the right standard earlier in the relationship.
0
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 I'm saying you can definitely, definitely, definitely set the right standard at the beginning of the relationship.
0
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Another interesting red flag is they make you feel bad for people being attracted to you.
0
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 They make you feel bad for their jealousy.
0
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There was this funny TikTok that went viral a while ago, and it was when a man and a woman, in this case, in this scenario, were walking to their apartment, and you hear a girl's voice that says, oh, I like your T-shirt.
0
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And he says, oh, thank you.
0
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And they get inside, and his girlfriend says, oh, I like your T-shirt.
0
SPEAKER_09
Thank you.
0
SPEAKER_09
Like, who are you?
0
SPEAKER_09
Like, who is she?
0
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You know, and it's like, you're getting made to feel bad
0
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 for people liking you.
0
SPEAKER_09
You're getting made to feel bad because that person feels jealous.
0
SPEAKER_09
So they're telling you like, why are you talking to that person?
0
SPEAKER_09
Or why did you say hello back?
0
SPEAKER_09
Why did you respond to them when they were hitting on you?
0
SPEAKER_09
Of course, if you flirted back, sure.
0
SPEAKER_09
 But if you were normal back in a normal human interaction, i.e.
0
SPEAKER_09
someone complimented you and you said thank you, and someone makes you feel bad for saying thank you when you weren't flirting, and that you have to be honest with yourself about, then that's a really unhealthy trait.
0
SPEAKER_09
Because now you're setting yourself up for being mistrusted and having
1
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 someone who's being insecure.
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Now, how do you deal with that?
1
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Again, you don't just break up with someone.
1
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How do you deal with that?
1
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You sit down with them and say, hey, where's this insecurity coming from?
1
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And they'll probably say, I'm not insecure.
1
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I'm not jealous.
1
SPEAKER_00
So that's not the question you ask them, right?
1
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The question you say, hey, how can I make you feel secure in this relationship?
1
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How can I give you the feeling that I want to be with you?
1
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What is it that you need from me?
1
SPEAKER_00
And if they say, I don't want you to talk to anyone ever else again, or if someone compliments you, then you'd say, well, what does that mean?
1
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Because
1
SPEAKER_00
 where is that coming from?
1
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Now, what I find is this is where it gets uncomfortable.
1
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If we're not trained to be coaches or therapists, it's really hard to guide our partners through this conversation without it getting personal, without it getting emotional.
1
SPEAKER_00
And this is where the person in your life needs to be open to forms of therapy, needs to be open to forms of coaching, needs to be open to these ideas, because if they're not open to it, that gets really tricky.
1
SPEAKER_00
 And I think that's why when someone is fully dependent on you for their mental health, their well-being, their emotional state, that is a tall order.
1
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And I think early on in the relationship, it feels really good to be wanted to be someone's guide and someone's coach and someone's at-home therapist, but you've also got to resist that temptation.
1
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Sometimes it feels good to save someone,
1
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 and you have to give up that savior mentality you have to give up that desire to be wanted in that way because that's going to set the standard that this person just runs to you when they need you right that this person just runs to you when they need anyone
1
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 So really you want to help that person set up the right structure for support.
1
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So you want to say, okay, look, I see that this is a recurring thing in your life.
1
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I think you need a trainer.
1
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I think you need a therapist.
1
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I think we should help you find this.
1
SPEAKER_00
And they're more likely to listen to you if they see you surrounding yourself with coaches as well.
1
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See, people are not happy to take advice when they don't see you taking your own advice.
1
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And this is why giving advice is really good because then you have to take it yourself.
1
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 I really believe that the advice I give, I've got to try to take myself.
1
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And it's not always easy, right?
1
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It's not always easy.
1
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I fail every day.
1
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I make mistakes every day, but I'm trying.
1
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And as long as you're trying, people will be happy to see you try, and they will also try.
1
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But if people don't see you trying, it's going to be really hard for them to consider how this fits in.
1
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This one I find really fascinating.
1
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 When I read about Steve Jobs and his biography by Walter Isaacson, who we've also had on the podcast, I learned about something which is a term called RDF, Reality Distortion Field.
1
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It's when someone distorts reality to suit their narrative, i.e.
1
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when you say to someone,
1
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 You remember when this happened, I didn't appreciate you did this and they go, that never happened.
1
SPEAKER_00
And you say, no, it definitely happened.
1
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I mean, I know two other people and they're like, that didn't happen.
1
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Like that's not true.
1
SPEAKER_00
They make you doubt.
1
SPEAKER_00
 what you just said you may say oh i just heard you say your you know your girlfriend's name i just heard you say your boyfriend your ex-boyfriend's name and they're like no i didn't there was a scene in uh entourage years ago if you're an entourage fan radhi's a huge entourage fan she made me watch it uh there was a scene in entourage where i believe the name of the character is eric
1
SPEAKER_00
 Eric Murphy, and he's dating a girl, and he remembers Sloan, who's the girl he wants forever.
1
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And she says to him, she goes, you just said your ex-girlfriend's name while we were kissing.
1
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And he's like, no, I didn't.
1
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No, I didn't.
1
SPEAKER_00
That's just in your head.
1
SPEAKER_00
You're just hearing things, right?
1
SPEAKER_00
That is a seed of reality distortion field
1
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 But what reality distortion field is, that person keeps lying or keeps portraying or playing a role for so long that they actually believe that that is reality.
1
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That's what's fascinating about reality distortion field.
1
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It's not just that someone is a liar, it's that they've repeated that lie so much that they believe it's the truth.
1
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So when they talk to you, they talk to you as if it's a matter of fact.
1
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They talk to you as if that is it.
1
SPEAKER_00
 And so you have to look out for those seeds as if you're being pushed back on your reality and your experience, and you're not allowed to have that.
1
SPEAKER_00
If you're not allowed to have a difference of opinion, if you're not allowed to think differently.
1
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And by the way, this applies to you too.
1
SPEAKER_00
All of these apply to you.
1
SPEAKER_00
How many of you are listening to this list going, Jay, I do this to people.
1
SPEAKER_00
Am I a red flag?
1
SPEAKER_00
And it's like, no, you're not a red flag, but we all do things like this.
1
SPEAKER_00
And that's what I'm saying.
1
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It's not about breaking up with someone.
1
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It's about being aware so we can build through.
1
SPEAKER_00
 I really hope this episode has helped you today.
1
SPEAKER_00
I really hope you're going to pass it on to someone who's just started dating, maybe who's single, maybe who's just come out of a breakup.
1
SPEAKER_00
It will help explain so much of what they're going through and experiencing in life.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I really, really think it's going to benefit a lot of people.
1
SPEAKER_00
So please pass it on.
1
SPEAKER_00
Thank you so much for listening today.
1
SPEAKER_00
 I'm going to read a few reviews and I'm going to say your name, so make sure you leave reviews with your names.
1
SPEAKER_00
This one is from Karen Rizal.
1
SPEAKER_00
Jay, you've really gotten me through a couple of tough years.
1
SPEAKER_00
Being 71 and retired is challenging at times, but getting through scary health issues with my husband Ron, along with COVID, has been hard at times.
1
SPEAKER_00
 So I've thrown myself into cooking healthy meals, listening to your podcast while I walk, and I'm spending as much time outside appreciating nature and its repeating wonders.
1
SPEAKER_00
Thanks for your constant encouragement.
1
SPEAKER_00
P.S.
1
SPEAKER_00
Even with this health scare, my husband is listening to you too and has continued his Zoom classes on writing and critiquing.
1
SPEAKER_00
You've boosted us both, helping us to know that you have to keep pushing on.
1
SPEAKER_00
I love that.
1
SPEAKER_00
Thank you so, so much.
1
SPEAKER_00
 This is from Jaina.
1
SPEAKER_00
I'm a new listener but I've enjoyed the conversations.
1
SPEAKER_00
Thank you for making us dive deeper into an issue and realizing our potential.
1
SPEAKER_00
I enjoy listening to at least one a day.
1
SPEAKER_00
I find myself starting my day with one and reflecting throughout the day.
1
SPEAKER_00
Thank you for being you.
1
SPEAKER_00
Keep it up.
1
SPEAKER_00
Means so so much to me.
1
SPEAKER_00
 And this is from Janice.
1
SPEAKER_00
This podcast made me think and start making decisions on what I really want.
1
SPEAKER_00
Jay, I'd learned so much from your experiences, guests, and I am very grateful.
1
SPEAKER_00
Thank you for all those five star reviews.
1
SPEAKER_00
Make sure you leave one too.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I'll see you next time.
1
SPEAKER_00
Thanks, everyone.
1
SPEAKER_02
 This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol.
1
SPEAKER_02
The joy they brought to the nation.
1
SPEAKER_00
You're free completely.
1
SPEAKER_00
No one is there to destroy you.
1
SPEAKER_02
The danger they endured.
1
SPEAKER_04
They said my head should be cut off.
1
SPEAKER_02
I'm John Legend.
1
SPEAKER_02
Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
1
SPEAKER_01
 Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt, and we're the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
1
SPEAKER_03
It's a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
1
SPEAKER_01
Like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
1
SPEAKER_03
Let's learn about all of it and then some.
1
SPEAKER_03
Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on America's number one podcast network, iHeart.
1
SPEAKER_03
Open your free iHeart app and search Grown Up Stuff.
1
SPEAKER_04
 Guess what, Will?
1
SPEAKER_04
What's that, Mango?
1
SPEAKER_04
I've been trying to write a promo for our podcast, Part-Time Genius, but even though we've done over 250 episodes, we don't really talk about murders or cults.
1
SPEAKER_04
I mean, we did just cover the Illuminati of cheese, so I feel like that makes us pretty edgy.
1
SPEAKER_04
We also solve mysteries like how Chinese is your Chinese food and how do dollar stores make money?
1
SPEAKER_04
And then, of course, can you game a dog show?
1
SPEAKER_04
So what you're saying is everyone should be listening.
1
SPEAKER_04
Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.