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Right, Elliot?
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We went shape hunting around the block, and we found spheres and cubes on the street.
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That was great fun.
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The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is your space to explore mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves.
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Take good care and we ll see you there.
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Listen to She Pivots on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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you do not solve all of your children s problems.
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That s the heart of Love & Logic.
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It s you want kids to make mistakes, and you want them to pay the consequences.
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So they learn
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Before we jump into this episode, I d like to invite you to join this community to hear more interviews that will help you become happier, healthier, and more healed.
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All I want you to do is click on the subscribe button.
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It s incredible to see all your comments, and we re just getting started.
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I can t wait to go on this journey with you.
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Thank you so much for subscribing.
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It means the world to me.
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The number one health and wellness podcast.
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Jay Shetty.
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Jay Shetty.
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The one, the only, Jay Shetty.
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Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the place you come to to become happier, healthier, and more healed.
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Today s guest is one of our most frequent guests, actually the most frequent guest of all time.
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He s one of your favorites.
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I know that you love diving into the science.
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I know that you love diving into the brain.
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And today we re going to get to put that all together with raising young minds.
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If you have a child or you re about to have a child or thinking about it, this episode is for you.
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If you wanna know what impacts us, what helps us become happier, healthier, and more healed through our childhood years, this episode is for you.
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And if you re wondering about your own health,
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And how you got to where you are and how you can make shifts and changes, this episode is for you.
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Today I m talking to Dr. Daniel Amen, a former infantry medic, physician, child and adult psychiatrist, and founder and CEO of Amen Clinics with 11 locations nationwide.
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Amen Clinics has built the world s largest database of brain scans related to behavior, totaling more than 250,000 scans on patients from 155 countries.
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Dr. Amen has written 20 national best-selling books, and Dr. Amen s new book is titled Raising Mentally Strong Kids, How to Combine the Power of Neuroscience with Love and Logic to Grow Confident,
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kind, responsible, and resilient children and young adults.
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If you don t have this already, go and grab your copy right now.
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You re going to love this conversation.
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Welcome to On Purpose, Dr. Daniel Amen.
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Dr. Amen, it s great to have you back.
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Jay, what a joy.
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Thank you for helping me spread this message of brain health, brain healthy adults, brain healthy kids.
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Yeah, well, I ve learned so much from you over the years, and I think anyone who goes back and listens to those episodes, there s so many great conversations, great insights.
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But I love that you re focusing on raising mentally strong kids, because I know I get this question from our audience a lot.
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Now, some of our audience are mothers and fathers, and some of them are thinking about it, and some of them may be years away, but I know that it s something that even I sit and think about.
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I talk about it with Radhi.
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What does it really take?
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And I think that it s so hard to know because there s so many theories.
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There s the way we were raised.
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There s the way our partner was raised.
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There s a million ways.
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And in the book, you really break it down beautifully.
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And I wanted to ask you a couple of questions to get going.
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So the first thing I wanted to ask you about
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is that you talk about mentally strong kids live by clearly defined goals.
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And I was thinking about that, I was thinking, how do you set a goal for a kid?
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And at what age does a goal become real?
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Well, the goal starts with parents.
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What kind of dad or mom do I want to be?
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And what kind of children do I want to raise?
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So in raising mentally strong kids, I mean, the first principle is you need to be mentally strong, right?
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You have to model the message.
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At Amen Clinics, our first core value is authenticity.
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And what, what does that mean to be mentally strong?
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Well, the first principle is clarity is you want to know.
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So when I was growing up, my mom was great.
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She was present, but there were way too many of us.
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There were seven.
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Um, third means irrelevant.
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Uh, at least that s what I thought.
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Uh, you know, Prince Harry s book spare, uh,
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Well, in a Lebanese family, the oldest son is golden and the second son s irrelevant.
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Now, there s a huge upside to irrelevance, which means I could do anything I want, but
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my mom was present and fun and playful and strict, all good qualities, my dad was gone.
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And so when I m thinking about what kind of parent do I wanna be, is I wanna be present.
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Because that caused a lot of bitterness in my life.
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And if you read sort of the latest neuroscience on childbearing, attachment is so important to prevent
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mental illness or mental health problems.
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And so if I want to be present, then that leads
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to the second principle, which is bonding, which is connection and how do you connect?
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And too many parents get that wrong and like, oh, well, let me solve all of my child s problems, which creates entitlement and disaster.
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But the first one is what do you want?
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And I think it s a great question for kids when they re six or seven, what do you want?
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in our relationship.
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Like, I treat a lot of difficult kids, and one of my favorite questions to parents, how many times out of 10
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When you ask this child to do something, will they do it the first time without arguing or fighting?
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And seven is the average for healthy kids.
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So very few kids do something every time, right?
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But for the kids who see me, it s zero or less than three.
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And when I ask the children about this, seven, eight, nine,
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I m like, is that your goal to make your mother cry?
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I m like, no.
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I m like, why do you do it?
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I don t know.
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And the fact is they don t know because it s not will driven, it s brain driven.
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And that one concept all by itself on top of which,
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If a child doesn t do what you ask them to do, and you ignore it, or you just repeat it, what you re doing is teaching them to do that, and the brain is lazy.
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So, this is gonna be a fun conversation.
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How about the people that would say that that may make children obedient, but it doesn t make them free thinkers, or it doesn t make them,
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independently thoughtful, I think we sometimes feel like these two things work against each other, right?
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Like if we feel we re like, they listen to everything we say and they do what we say, then how do they build up their own sense of identity?
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How does that work?
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Well, that s totally in the book on how to do that.
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And that is, you do not solve all of your children s problems.
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That s the heart of love and logic.
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It s you want kids to make mistakes.
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and you want them to pay the consequences.
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So they learn agency.
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It s such
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Such an important word in lives.
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So I have six children.
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Three of them are adopted.
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And Chloe, who s now 20,
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She s a bit of a hellion and argumentative, oppositional.
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And I m a child psychiatrist.
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And Chloe was, too, when Tana and I met.
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And I m like, Tana, you ve done second grade.
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But they would, like, go at it.
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In a bad way for homework for like a couple of hours.
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And then Tana got a program.
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I co-wrote the book with Charles Fay, who s the president of the Love and Logic Institute.
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So she got Parenting with Love and Logic and then took everything they ever created.
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One night, when it finally clicked that I ve done second grade, she told Chloe she d never again ask her to do her homework.
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She said, hey, I ve done second grade.
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This is on you.
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And if you re okay with the consequences of not doing your homework,
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Mrs. Mink, her teacher, will be mad at you.
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You won t go out to recess.
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And if you really decide you re not going to do it, you ll make new friends when you repeat second grade.
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That was that epiphany moment.
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Chloe got upset and said, I never said I wasn t going to do my homework.
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I m just not going to do it now.
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She stormed off.
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20 minutes later, she came back.
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No one ever asked her to do her homework again.
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She s going to graduate with a business degree from Chapman University.
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She s bright.
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She s independent.
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She has agency.
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She s a hard worker and a free thinker because she couldn t push against her mother to solve her problems.
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she had to figure it out with, of course, appropriate support.
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And, oh, by the way, to really push on this idea, if Chloe forgot her homework, there s no way her mother would bring it to school, because then she d only forget it once, right?
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If she forgot her homework and we brought it to school, we d always be bringing her homework to school.
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If it was cold out and she forgot to bring a sweater,
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Nobody s bringing a sweater.
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She forgot her lunch.
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Nobody s bringing her lunch.
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We re teaching her probably the most important skill of mentally strong people.
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I m responsible for my life.
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And if there are consequences, I m going to pay it.
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And you, so you want them to make mistakes when the consequences are affordable.
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And what age is that at?
1
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Is that at a particular age or is there a time when?
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Like four, five, six, you know, earlier the better.
1
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And of course you re always putting, you know, think of bowling alley, you re putting bumper guards up, uh, to protect them.
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But when I was a young parent,
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I think my self-esteem wasn t great.
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And I would get self-esteem by solving my children s problems.
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And what I realized is I was robbing them of their self-esteem.
1
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Because where do we get self-esteem?
1
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There s this great study out of Harvard where they followed 454 inner city Boston school kids
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for 70 years.
1
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I mean, think about that.
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I mean, one of the longest longevity studies ever done.
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And they looked at what was going, you know, with mental illness, with addiction, with self-esteem.
1
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And the only thing that correlated with self-esteem was whether or not you worked.
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as a child, whether or not you had responsibility at home, you had a paper route, you had an outside job.
1
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When I was 10 years old, I went to work because my dad owned grocery stores and work is good.
1
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But for people who are affluent, who have help at home and everything is done for the child, you re really setting the child up for struggles in their life because they won t develop a sense of agency.
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That s so interesting hearing that.
1
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I ve always felt that.
1
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I was a paperboy when I was 14 years old, and I remember going around the local streets and delivering the papers, and it was raining.
1
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At some time of the year in England, it would snow during the Christmas period.
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It was hardest because I m pulling this trolley, we call it, I don t know what you d call it here, but pulling this cart that has all the newspapers stacked in it.
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And then I worked in a grocery store, and then I worked in retail.
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And so I ve been working ever since I was 14 years old.
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And I couldn t agree with you more.
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I learned so many interesting skills.
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I developed so many amazing habits because you had to in order to do it.
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And that resonates so strongly with me.
1
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How do you get comfortable
1
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watching your child be uncomfortable?
1
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Because I can imagine that s the biggest challenge, right?
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As a parent who loves, adores, cares for this child, doesn t want it to be cold, doesn t want the child to be late for school, doesn t want the child to perform poorly, your ego is somewhat attached to the child s ego and success level.
1
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How do you get comfortable watching your child be uncomfortable in a non...
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unemotional way and not in a insensitive way.
1
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It s hard.
1
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You have to have the big picture in mind and the long game in mind.
1
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What do I want?
1
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What kind of parent do I want to be?
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Effective, present.
1
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What kind of child do I want to raise?
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Independent, competent, strong.
1
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If I do too much, I m robbing them of their self-esteem.
1
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of their sense of responsibility and agency.
1
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And that s a disaster you just don t want.
1
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And you need to see it ahead of time.
1
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And that s why, you know, the first principles know what you want and always ask your kids.
1
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So what s the goal for this year?
1
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What do you want?
1
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Right?
1
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It s not, you re not telling them their goal.
1
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I mean, an example, when I turned 18, uh, it was the first time I could vote.
1
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And my dad told me,
1
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If I voted for Senator McGovern, the country would go to hell.
1
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So 1972, Richard Nixon is running for reelection.
1
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He s a very popular president, even though it ll turn out to be a disaster against Senator McGovern.
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And I m 18, and I don t have a relationship with my dad.
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I mean, we re sort of mostly mad at each other.
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He s trying to have influence on me.
1
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But because we don t have a relationship,
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I d just as soon piss him off.
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Right now, it wasn t my conscious thought, but I d just as soon piss him off.
1
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And I voted for McGovern and the country went to hell, but it had nothing to do with McGovern.
1
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It was all Nixon and Watergate and so on.
1
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But it was that lack of relationship.
1
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And if people do what I talk about in the book, you have more influence with them.
1
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Hey guys, it s Jay Shetty here, and I couldn t be more excited to share this exciting news.
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You asked, we delivered.
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It only has 5 calories and 0 grams of sugar, making it the perfect drink.
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Plus, it s made with a delicious blend of adaptogens and nootropics that may help boost your metabolism, combat stress, pack your body with antioxidants, and stimulate brain function.
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Head over to your local Sprouts or visit sprouts.com to find the closest location near you.
1
SPEAKER_01
And that leads to, so the first principle is goal setting.
1
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The second one is bonding.
1
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It s attachment.
1
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If you want to have influence with your children, if you want them to seriously consider your values, you have to be connected with them.
1
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And what does that take?
1
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time, like actual physical time where you re not on your phone, but you put the phone away and you spend 20 minutes a day with a child.
1
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So there s an exercise I talk about in the book that I love so much that, you know, all the things I ve recommended to my patients over the last 45 years, when I decided to be a psychiatrist 45 years ago, special time, it s magic.
1
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And
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20 minutes a day, do something with your child, child wants to do, that s reasonable.
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You can do in 20 minutes.
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So it s like not take me to Nordstrom s.
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And during that time, no commands, no questions, no directions.
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It s just time to be together.
1
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And it s money in the relational bank.
1
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And I remember when I
2
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first figured this out, my literary agent, had a child later in life.
2
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We were talking on the phone, and he s like, my daughter, Laura, doesn t want to have anything to do with me.
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And she s two.
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And he said, that s like a girl thing, right?
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A mother-daughter thing.
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They don t want anything.
2
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I m like, no, Carl, you re ignoring her.
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What?
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What do you mean I m ignoring?
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I m like, you re ignoring her.
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Do this.
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And he said, that won t work.
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I m like, oh, great.
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You represent an idiot.
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My own literary agent won t do what I say.
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Do it.
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In fact, I m going to put you in my schedule for three weeks.
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I m going to call you, get the party started.
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And so three weeks go by, I call him up, Carl, Daniel, she won t leave me alone.
2
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As soon as I walk in the door, she grabs my leg and wants her time.
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All she wants to do is be with me.
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I m like, that s a problem.
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That s what we want, right?
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That s what we re after.
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So actual physical time.
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And now parents are so busy.
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They re not spending this one-on-one alone time listening.
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So that s the second part of it.
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So time, actual physical time and shut up.
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I mean, it s so important.
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You love them so much, you want to pour all of your knowledge, all of your wisdom that you worked your whole life on, and download it into their head.
2
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Don t do that.
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Listen to them.
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And therapists learn this technique called active listening.
2
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that whenever someone says something, you don t interrupt and tell them how to think.
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You repeat it back and you listen for the feelings behind the words.
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So if my son came home and said, dad, I want to have blue hair.
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I don t know what your father would have said, but I know what mine would have said.
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No way.
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And as long as you live in this house, you can have blue hair.
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But what does that do?
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It just stops the conversation, or it starts a fight.
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Active listening teaches you, repeat back what you hear.
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Oh, you want to have blue hair.
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And then be quiet long enough for them to explain what s really going on.
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And he might say, all the kids are wearing their hair blue.
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Now, I ve been to a school.
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I know not everybody s blue-headed.
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And if I would have said that to my dad, I don t know what your dad would have said.
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I don t care what anybody else is doing.
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As long as you live in this house, you re not going to have blue hair.
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If they re going to jump off a bridge, are you going with them?
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That one for sure.
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I ve heard that plenty of times.
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And what does it do?
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Stops the conversation or it starts a fight.
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Sounds like you want to be like the other kids.
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Completely different conversation, but that s,
2
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And he might say, Dad, you know, sometimes I feel like I don t fit in.
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Now my mother would have said, what do you mean you don t fit in?
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Of course you fit in.
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You re a good boy.
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You re a good looking boy.
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You re a nice boy.
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And that s not helpful either.
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What s just helpful is, so sometimes you feel like you don t fit in.
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and then give it a breath.
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So they re the ones solving their problem.
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Now, at the end of a half an hour, he says, I still want to have blue hair.
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I m going to tell him no going to hell as long as you live in my house, because it s not cool to look weird.
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I mean, if you look weird, you re going to hang out with weird people, right?
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It s okay to have boundaries.
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around behavior.
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Some parents, they have like no boundaries.
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And I think some boundaries are appropriate.
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What does no boundaries lead to?
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Like from a neuroscience and from a study perspective of what happens if you have no boundaries?
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At least mental health problems.
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So there s this great study out of the University of Oregon.
2
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We looked at 10,000 families and they looked at parenting along two dimensions.
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Parents who were firm versus permissive.
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and then hostile versus loving.
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And if you take those two dimensions, you end up with four types of parents, permissive and hostile, permissive and firm, loving and permissive, loving and firm.
2
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And they looked at what were the consequences or the outcome of each.
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Parenting style.
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Do you have a sense what would be worse?
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What would be the worst one that creates the most trouble?
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You would think that it s hostile and permissive.
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Hostile and permissive.
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The worst.
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What do you think is the second worst?
2
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Loving and permissive.
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Loving and permissive.
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Shocking.
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Because children need boundaries.
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And the loving and permissive ones had more mental health challenges than the hostile and firm.
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Now, that s not helpful, right?
2
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That creates anxiety.
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But children need boundaries.
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I often say God gave us parents until our frontal lobes developed, right?
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The front third of the brain, the most
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Human part of the brain focus forth on judgment, impulse control, and that s why you need parents to help guide you.
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And one of the big mistakes we make as a society is we abdicate parenting before their frontal lobes.
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So I m like not a big fan of sending children away to college because you re going to take their undeveloped prefrontal cortex and put them in a dorm.
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with a whole bunch of other undeveloped prefrontal cortices, bad idea.
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And I d learned this as a child psychiatrist, send kids away to school, the incidence of anxiety goes up, depression goes up, suicide goes up, addiction goes up, and it s not a good thing.
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SPEAKER_01
How were you able to go get around that with your kids going to college as well?
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Well, I mean, one of my daughters wanted to go to the University of Virginia.
2
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So always across the other side, I m like, no, you have to go to some more.
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I can drive to see you in three hours.
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SPEAKER_00
Wow.
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SPEAKER_01
Wow.
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SPEAKER_01
So yeah, that s, it s really interesting, this limits and rules, building mental fortitude that you talk about, because
2
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It s hard to know, I think, as a parent, and it comes back to the earlier point that you were saying, that we re just dealing with so much ourselves.
2
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Like, people are busy, they re stressed, they are on their phone just trying to decompress after a long day.
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And what I liked about what you said was 20 minutes of no questions, no commands, and no directions.
2
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That, I think, is really powerful and a special takeaway for people because
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It may be really hard to give quality time, but I love the definition of quality time becoming no directions, no commands, and no questions, because it seems like that s what our relationship becomes about with children.
2
SPEAKER_01
And what do all of those do?
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If your relationship is just giving the kids commands, directions, questions, what ends up happening to the relationship?
2
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They shut down.
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And if you re just in their space, and, you know, as a child psychiatrist,
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I ve seen thousands of children over the years and often parents go, he won t talk to you.
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He doesn t want to be here.
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He won t talk to you.
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I go, yeah, it s really hard to be me.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I just sit there and I ll play games with them.
2
SPEAKER_00
But while I m playing a game with them and a game they choose, they chat.
2
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You know, they talk about what s going on in their dreams, what goes on at home, what goes on.
2
SPEAKER_01
What game would you play with them?
2
SPEAKER_00
I mean, we ll play cards, we ll play chutes and ladders, we ll play Monopoly, we ll play all sorts of different games.
2
SPEAKER_00
And one of my favorite games is the storytelling game where they ll start a story and they ll have a sentence, I ll have a sentence, they ll have a sentence.
2
SPEAKER_00
And you really get to see how their minds work.
2
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Why does that work?
2
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Why is that a great interaction point that allows them to open up?
2
SPEAKER_00
Because kids, if you just say, tell me your problem, they ll have no idea and they ll freeze.
2
SPEAKER_00
If you play a game with them or you go for a walk with them, then they begin to open up if they know you ll listen.
2
SPEAKER_00
And we just, we re in a society that s talking over each other.
2
SPEAKER_00
Parents are anxious and they want to solve things and they talk too much.
2
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So if I can get people to use less words and be more present, it s gold for them.
2
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How do you know if a child is becoming more mentally strong or more mentally weak as you re practicing some of these methods?
2
SPEAKER_01
What do you notice?
2
SPEAKER_01
What are the habits or the core traits of a mentally strong child and a mentally weak child?
2
SPEAKER_00
So mentally strong kids don t believe in
3
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everything they think, this is so important.
3
SPEAKER_05
Before in other episodes, we ve talked about killing the ants, the automatic negative thoughts.
3
SPEAKER_05
Actually, I have a child s book called Captain Snout and the Superpower Questions, where I wrote specifically to teach kids to question their automatic thoughts.
3
SPEAKER_05
And so a vulnerable child, so maybe I wouldn t say mentally weak, let s just say vulnerable,
3
SPEAKER_05
is you notice they have stinking thinking, that they mind read, they fortune tell, they focus on what s wrong rather than on what s right.
3
SPEAKER_05
A strong child still have those thoughts, but they ll question them.
3
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They just won t attach to what I call the different kinds of ants.
3
SPEAKER_05
And blame is like the worst ant.
3
SPEAKER_05
You know, it s you blame other people for your life.
3
SPEAKER_05
You become a victim and you become powerless.
3
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What is it I can do today to solve this problem?
3
SPEAKER_05
And that s the essence of the book, along with love and logic.
3
SPEAKER_05
What is it I can do today to solve this problem?
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, obviously, none of us are perfect.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I think every parent
3
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is already judging themselves in how they are a parent.
3
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I think a lot of people carry that weight around and they carry that stress around of, I m not a good parent, I wish I could have handled that better, I shouldn t have said that, I should have said that.
3
SPEAKER_00
What s a healthy way to repair a mistake you ve made?
3
SPEAKER_00
Maybe you ve said something you wish you didn t say, you did something you shouldn t have done, and you ve done it a few times.
3
SPEAKER_00
What s a healthy way to repair that bond?
3
SPEAKER_05
Well, there s a guilt cycle that people get into.
3
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They overreact.
3
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And then they feel bad about it.
3
SPEAKER_05
So they don t react.
3
SPEAKER_05
And they let bad behavior go.
3
SPEAKER_05
And they let it go.
3
SPEAKER_05
And they let it go.
3
SPEAKER_05
And then they can t stand it.
3
SPEAKER_05
And then they explode.
3
SPEAKER_05
And then they feel guilty.
3
SPEAKER_05
And so they don t react.
3
SPEAKER_05
And they don t react.
3
SPEAKER_05
And then they don t react.
3
SPEAKER_05
And then they overreact.
3
SPEAKER_05
And so the trick is, when there s behavior you don t like, deal with it.
3
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as opposed to let it go.
3
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It s like deal with it in the moment.
3
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And you re going to make mistakes.
3
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Lord knows I ve made lots of mistakes.
3
SPEAKER_05
But every day I win or I learn, right?
3
SPEAKER_05
I m working with an Olympic athlete that I just love so much, Alicia Newman.
3
SPEAKER_05
She s a Canadian record holder
3
SPEAKER_05
for pole vaulting.
3
SPEAKER_05
And she s such a mess.
3
SPEAKER_05
When I saw her, she did my show, Scam My Brain.
3
SPEAKER_05
And now she s so mentally strong because every tournament she wins or she learns.
3
SPEAKER_05
And as a parent, that s the mindset is, you know, we had a really great day.
3
SPEAKER_05
And when you don t have a great day,
3
SPEAKER_05
Why didn t we have a great day?
3
SPEAKER_05
And you think about it in the book, there s all sorts of brain reasons why you didn t have a great day.
3
SPEAKER_05
You didn t sleep.
3
SPEAKER_05
You went too long without food.
3
SPEAKER_05
There s the time change, you know, that has more bad days just because, you know, as a society we become jet lagged all at once.
3
SPEAKER_05
So if you can just be curious,
3
SPEAKER_05
rather than being furious.
3
SPEAKER_05
It helps you so much.
3
SPEAKER_05
So if we have a really great day, it s like, okay, why d that happen?
3
SPEAKER_05
And just be thoughtful.
3
SPEAKER_05
And the default is always firm and kind.
3
SPEAKER_05
And the softer your voice, the more they pay attention to it.
3
SPEAKER_05
If you re screaming, they tune you out and they get mad.
3
SPEAKER_07
Hey, everybody, welcome to Across Generations, where the voices of Black women unite in powerful conversations.
3
SPEAKER_07
I m your host, Tiffany Cross.
3
SPEAKER_07
Tiffany Cross.
3
SPEAKER_07
I want you all to join me and be a part of sisterhood, friendship, wisdom and laughter.
3
SPEAKER_07
In every episode, we gather a seasoned elder.
3
SPEAKER_08
But even with a child, there s no such thing as the wrong thing if you love them.
3
SPEAKER_07
Myself, as the middle generation.
3
SPEAKER_07
I don t feel like I have to get married at this big age in life, but it is a desire I have and something that I ve navigated in dating.
3
SPEAKER_07
And a vibrant young soul for engaging intergenerational conversations.
3
SPEAKER_07
I m very jealous of your generation that didn t have to deal with Instagram and Tinder.
3
SPEAKER_07
This is Across Generations, where Black women s voices unite and together, you know how we do, we create magic.
3
SPEAKER_07
Listen to Across Generations podcasts on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
3
SPEAKER_06
Imagine you asked two people the same exact set of seven questions.
3
SPEAKER_06
I m Minnie Driver, and this was the idea I set out to explore in my podcast, Minnie Questions.
3
SPEAKER_06
This year, we bring a whole new group of guests to answer the same seven questions, including actress and star of the mega hit sitcom Friends, Courtney Cox.
3
SPEAKER_06
You can t go around it, so you just go through it.
3
SPEAKER_06
This is a roadblock.
3
SPEAKER_06
It s going to catch you down the road.
3
SPEAKER_06
Go through it.
3
SPEAKER_06
Deal with it.
3
SPEAKER_06
Comedian, writer, and star of the series Catastrophe, Rob Delaney.
3
SPEAKER_03
I shouldn t feel guilty about my son s death.
3
SPEAKER_03
He died of a brain tumor.
3
SPEAKER_03
It s part of what happens when your kid dies.
3
SPEAKER_03
Intellectually, you ll understand that it s not your fault, but you ll still feel guilty.
3
SPEAKER_06
That personal disaster wrote Guyville.
3
SPEAKER_06
So everything comes out of a dead end.
3
SPEAKER_06
And many, many more.
3
SPEAKER_06
Join me on season three of Mini Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your favorite podcasts.
3
SPEAKER_06
Seven questions, limitless answers.
3
SPEAKER_04
I m Ilya Connie, and this is Family Therapy.
3
SPEAKER_01
My best hopes, I guess, identify the life that I want and work towards it.
3
SPEAKER_02
I never seen a man take care of my mother the way she needed to be taken care of.
3
SPEAKER_04
I get the impression that you don t feel like you ve done everything right as a father.
3
SPEAKER_04
Is that true?
3
SPEAKER_05
That s true.
3
SPEAKER_05
And I m not offended by that.
3
SPEAKER_01
Thank you for going through those things and thank you for overcoming them.
3
SPEAKER_02
Thank God for the limits.
3
SPEAKER_02
Every time I have one of our sessions, our sessions be positive.
3
SPEAKER_02
It just keeps me going.
3
SPEAKER_02
I feel like my focus is redirected in a different aspect of my life now.
3
SPEAKER_04
So, how d we do today?
3
SPEAKER_01
We did good.
3
SPEAKER_04
The Black Effect presents Family Therapy.
3
SPEAKER_04
Listen now on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s so interesting, as I m listening to you, I m thinking, as you gave in the example of the Olympic athlete, we need this for ourself right now at this age.
3
SPEAKER_00
because our child self didn t probably get this kind of parenting or wasn t exposed to this.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so even that statement you just said that I either win or I learn, I think that s a habit that any of us listening to this right now need to develop because I think just as we re harsher on children or harsher on someone else, it comes from a fact that we re harsher on ourselves.
3
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Like there s this inner critic and this inner voice that breeds negativity.
3
SPEAKER_00
And as you said, the guilt cycle that continues, it seems that
3
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that then becomes the externalized version is how we treat the kids and then again we feel guilty for doing that because we know it s wrong.
3
SPEAKER_00
When you re trying to become mentally strong yourself but you feel like you don t have time your kids need dinner cooked you need to do their homework with them like i feel like there s a. Massive loss of time balance the ability to cater to this.
3
SPEAKER_00
What do people do when they re like, I m just surviving, like I m just putting food on the table or just about even surviving for myself to be able to switch on the TV in the evening after the kids are asleep.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like I get no time for myself.
3
SPEAKER_00
How do we balance that time?
3
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That s why special time is not two hours with the child.
3
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It s doable.
3
SPEAKER_05
You re playing the long game.
3
SPEAKER_05
And too often parents love their children so much.
3
SPEAKER_05
It s, we re going to do soccer and we re going to do dance and we re going to do music and we re going to, and it s like, stop that.
3
SPEAKER_05
You need time to spend with each other.
3
SPEAKER_05
And you re like,
3
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well, but I have to do my homework with the children.
3
SPEAKER_05
It s like, please don t.
3
SPEAKER_05
That s not what the schools want you to do.
3
SPEAKER_05
They want the children to do the homework.
3
SPEAKER_05
And if they don t do it, let the kids pay the consequences.
3
SPEAKER_05
But then what parents do is they get into this fortune telling thing.
3
SPEAKER_05
It s like, well, then they won t get into the best preschool and they won t get into the best school and they won t go to Harvard and their life will be terrible.
3
SPEAKER_05
And like, I went to a junior college
3
SPEAKER_05
community college.
3
SPEAKER_05
I m actually in the Hall of Fame at Orange Coast College.
3
SPEAKER_05
I actually think many people, Mark Cuban actually said that, it s like most people should go to a community college because it s such a low cost and it s the same education, right?
3
SPEAKER_05
But people have this idea of prestige is attached to my self-esteem and it s
4
SPEAKER_00
And prestige is a French word, comes from a French word for deceit, right?
4
SPEAKER_00
That, I mean, I went to a community college, my life s just awesome because I work hard, right?
4
SPEAKER_00
And ultimately, another point, you never want to tell a child they re smart.
4
SPEAKER_00
I mean, parents get so proud, you re so smart.
4
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Don t ever do that.
4
SPEAKER_00
Go, you work hard.
4
SPEAKER_00
Because if you tell them they re smart and they can t learn something,
4
SPEAKER_00
their self-esteem drops if you go, I really like how hard you re working.
4
SPEAKER_00
And they come up with something hard, they work harder.
4
SPEAKER_00
And you also teach kids, because mentally strong people ask questions.
4
SPEAKER_00
And too often, it s like, no, I want to ask questions, so I don t want to appear dumb.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s like mentally strong people, they ask.
4
SPEAKER_00
questions and so when I was in elementary school, I d never ask a question and then I Realized because I was in the army and I took three years between high school and college and I was able to grow up And I m like, oh you have to ask questions, right?
4
SPEAKER_00
I learned that in the army if you ask a question and somebody says no ask somebody else because they re more likely to say yes, right?
4
SPEAKER_00
so I learned that don t just accept no and
4
SPEAKER_00
But in school, it s like, oh, let me ask questions.
4
SPEAKER_00
If I don t understand something, odds are people don t understand those well.
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What are some of those other statements that parents say to kids that they think they re saying the right thing, but they end up backfiring because they make it harder for the child to live up to that?
4
SPEAKER_01
What are some of those other statements?
4
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It ll be okay.
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Like, or I ll take care of it for you.
4
SPEAKER_00
If they re having problems with another child at school, they immediately in the principal s office, they re not,
4
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listening to the child and going, so how do you think you can handle that?
4
SPEAKER_00
Or what did they go and they fix it?
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And that s death to their self-esteem.
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SPEAKER_00
Now, of course, if it s dangerous or bullying or abuse, you have to step in and take care of it.
4
SPEAKER_00
But for the day-to-day stuff, how do you think you can solve this?
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SPEAKER_00
As opposed to,
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I had that problem when I was your age, and this is what I did, and this is what you should do.
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Don t do that, because it steals their self-esteem.
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SPEAKER_00
It steals their agency.
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What is it you can do?
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I m rooting for you, rather than, well, that s a dumb decision.
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SPEAKER_00
I m rooting for you.
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SPEAKER_01
I mean, that s so huge in our friendships.
4
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It s so huge in marriage.
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It s huge with kids.
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I think it s so easy.
4
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to just say, this is what I did.
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This is what you should do.
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This is the right way to do it.
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This is easy.
4
SPEAKER_01
And we think we re basically doing a shortcut because we re not listening.
4
SPEAKER_01
We re not actually bonding.
4
SPEAKER_01
We re not connecting.
4
SPEAKER_01
And we re trying to jump to a conclusion that hopefully we think solves the issue.
4
SPEAKER_01
And a lot of this comes back to what we both mentioned in this conversation is that there s this subconscious ego attachment
4
SPEAKER_01
to the child succeeding is being a reflection of our self-esteem, our self-worth, our self-esteem gets wrapped up in our child s self-worth and self-esteem and now, you know, subconsciously we re living our dreams through them.
4
SPEAKER_01
That s not as basic as saying I want my kid to be a doctor because I am, but there s other more subtle versions of that.
4
SPEAKER_01
How do people disconnect from that ego because it seems to be so subtle and so hidden
4
SPEAKER_01
But it s there, and I think everyone notices it with their parents when their parents are acting in that way, but almost when we become parents, we re completely oblivious to that ego.
4
SPEAKER_00
And it s so important.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s often so toxic if someone is living an unrealized life that they pour a lot of it into their child, and it makes these kids miserable.
4
SPEAKER_00
And it doesn t give them a sense of agency.
4
SPEAKER_00
It constrains them.
4
SPEAKER_00
And they often rebel against it, as opposed to, what do you want to do?
4
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It ll make you a good living, so I don t have to support you.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I love my six children, but I never want to have to live with them.
4
SPEAKER_00
So I want to create competent people who can care for themselves.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s like, oh, go live your dream, whether or not you can take care of yourself.
4
SPEAKER_00
And that s going to set them up to be miserable.
4
SPEAKER_00
If you re dependent on someone else...
4
SPEAKER_00
You re miserable.
4
SPEAKER_00
Entitled people are never happy.
4
SPEAKER_00
Um, another thing is, and, uh, I posted this on tech talk and it got like 7 million views, um, hallmark of mental strength.
4
SPEAKER_00
Um, I don t do things for people who do not treat me with respect.
4
SPEAKER_01
Whoa.
4
SPEAKER_00
So, you know, your child misbehaves, you ve loved them so much.
4
SPEAKER_00
It doesn t matter.
4
SPEAKER_00
You,
4
SPEAKER_00
you know, give them everything they want anyways, death.
4
SPEAKER_00
I don t do nice things for people who I feel don t treat me with respect.
4
SPEAKER_00
That doesn t mean you don t feed them.
4
SPEAKER_00
Of course you feed them, but you re not taking them to the store and you re not doing nice things for them.
4
SPEAKER_00
I mean, you need to teach them their consequences.
4
SPEAKER_00
So the third part, so it s goal setting,
4
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bonding so much there.
4
SPEAKER_00
And so many mental illnesses are attached to attachments that become broken.
4
SPEAKER_01
Could you walk us through this?
4
SPEAKER_00
So John Bowlby s sort of the famous attachment psychologist, and he said that if we re not connected to our moms or dads, it puts us at great risk for mental health problems.
4
SPEAKER_00
And he s absolutely right.
4
SPEAKER_00
And often, the break in the bond between your mother or your father, or it can be any primary caretaker, creates this rage inside of you.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then you feel guilt about the rage.
4
SPEAKER_00
And so you attack yourself.
4
SPEAKER_00
And you know many people who live with this negative chatter
4
SPEAKER_00
in their head, and it s often that specific dynamic that they re furious at their mother, their father, you know, perhaps a divorce happened when they were four or five, or they had a sibling die when they were four, something happened.
4
SPEAKER_00
They get really angry, but that s not appropriate because these are the people that feed me.
4
SPEAKER_00
So rage guilt about the rage and then self-attack and they live with that their whole lives.
4
SPEAKER_00
I can t tell you the number of people.
4
SPEAKER_00
Um, and when you re a four or five or six, you think of yourself at the center of the world.
4
SPEAKER_00
And so if something good happens, you sort of think it s because of you.
4
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If something bad happens, you think it s because of you.
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And you end up with this chronic sense of being bad.
4
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And there s a specific type of therapy I like.
4
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It s called intensive short-term dynamic psychotherapy.
4
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And it s often getting to
4
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The feelings underneath and rage and attachment and guilt about the rage are often a significant piece of it.
4
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Sometimes it s hard because I feel like a lot of people may be feeling like, you know, I don t understand my child, like they re angry, they re upset, they, you know, they kind of want to disconnect.
4
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What do you do in that situation?
4
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Where do you start?
4
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Well, I think you first start with the simple things, time, and look at what they re eating, because that matters.
4
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I have one patient who would go in a rage whenever he got red dye.
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People go red dye, yeah, red dye number 40.
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And so- Like every sweet and candy.
4
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Think of red vines.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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And it s even in cough syrup for children or hard candies, red dye number 40.
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And he would go on a rage.
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And when they would take away red dye, he d be fine, but sometimes he d get it accidentally and he d rage.
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And so I actually scanned him, you know, that s what I do.
4
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I look at people s brains.
4
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And so we scanned him, no red dye for a month, and his brain was healthy.
4
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We gave him red vines that have red dye number 40 in it, and his brain went.
4
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like it exploded, that dramatic hyperactivity in his brain.
4
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And so if you re really struggling with your child and you use the principles Dr. Fay and I talk about in
5
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in this book, and you re still struggling, it s probably a good idea to get them assessed.
5
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And on average, it s years between the time a child first has a symptom, anxiety, depression, OCD, ADD, between they have a symptom and they get assessed.
5
SPEAKER_05
And so many bright people go, I never give my kids drugs.
5
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And it s like, if he s diabetic, you give him drugs.
5
SPEAKER_05
If you had heart disease, you give them drugs.
5
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It s like, and I m not advocating drugs, right?
5
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I mean, I own a supplement company, but I m not opposed.
5
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If I do all the things I know how to do, then I use medicine to do it.
5
SPEAKER_05
People like don t really see the brain
5
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as an organ, right?
5
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They have to get the progression.
5
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Your brain, physical function of your brain, creates your mind.
5
SPEAKER_05
And if your brain s not right, your mind s not right.
5
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And so what are all the ways that
5
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A mind can be trouble, right?
5
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So if you have a child that s not sleeping, that has nightmares, that has tantrums that won t go away, they don t socially connect, they re obsessive.
5
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It s like at some point you have to go, what s going on in their brain.
5
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And there s a whole section in the book on brain health.
5
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Poor kids, of course, you ve got to model it as a parent.
5
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But what you feed them matters.
5
SPEAKER_05
How much sleep they get matters.
5
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I have another really fun book called Time for Bed Sleepyhead, which is a hypnotic bedtime story for children.
5
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I actually used to do it with my daughter Brianne when she was three.
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I did it from three until eight.
5
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She loved the story so much.
5
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And think of your kids in four big circles.
5
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They have a biology, so we talked about their brain.
5
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They have a psychology, how they think.
5
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They have a social circle, what s their environment like.
5
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And there s a spiritual circle, which most child psychiatrists wouldn t touch.
5
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But it s sort of like, why do you care?
5
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Why do you think you re on the planet?
5
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What s your sense of meaning and purpose?
5
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Because purposeful people,
5
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are happier.
5
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Purposeful people, what am I on purpose, right?
5
SPEAKER_05
They live longer.
5
SPEAKER_05
And so nurturing those four circles is so important for the kids.
5
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Parents, ready to discover a new educational and interactive podcast for kids?
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Right, Elliot?
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That was great fun!
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Cowie, what do you say?
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And that time when we did the science experiment, and Billy made raisins dance!
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That is so cool, Billy!
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I don t understand what the big fat ones are.
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You don t put those inside of you, do you?
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I mean, you do?
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Yes.
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This is a show about women.
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OK, so I just reapplied my lip gloss after eating a delicious lunch.
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We are headed back now to European political systems class at Baruch College.
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Woo!
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Finally, a show about women that isn t just a thinly veiled aspirational nightmare.
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It s not hosted, not narrated.
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We re just dropping into a woman s world.
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It s like reality TV on the radio.
5
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I found out when my dad was gay when I was 10.
5
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We were in a convertible on the 405 freeway listening to the B-52s.
5
SPEAKER_06
And looking back, I should have said, this is gay.
5
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This is already all gay.
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Listen to Finally A Show on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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SPEAKER_00
The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is an NAACP and Webby Award winning podcast dedicated to all things mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves.
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Here, we have the conversations that help Black women decipher how their paths inform who they are today and use that information to decide who they want to be moving forward.
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SPEAKER_00
We chat about things like how to establish routines that center self-care, what burnout looks and feels like, and defining what aspects of our lives are making us happy and what parts are holding us back.
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SPEAKER_00
I m your host, Dr. Joy Harden-Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, and I can t wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday.
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SPEAKER_00
Listen to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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SPEAKER_00
Take good care, and we ll see you there.
5
SPEAKER_03
What does loving discipline look like?
5
SPEAKER_03
Because I think it sounds good.
5
SPEAKER_03
We re all like, yeah, I would love to be disciplined, but I d love to be loving.
5
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And often we don t even figure out what that means in the workplace, let alone with kids.
5
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We re either loving or disciplined, but we re not.
5
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I think it should be both.
5
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What does it look like?
5
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Well, you know, we haven t gotten to rules.
5
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I think families should have them.
5
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Society has rules.
5
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Like, tell the truth.
5
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Do what mom and dad say the first time.
5
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I love that rule.
5
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Because do you know your chance of abusing the child?
5
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If you tell a child to do something five times,
5
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your chance of abusing that child just went up significantly.
5
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And so if you have the expectation, they ll do things the first time.
5
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It s like, Caitlin, take, you know, I want you to take out the trash, like in the next half hour.
5
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And if she doesn t, it s like, sweetheart, you have a choice.
5
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You can take it out now.
5
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or you can have this consequence and then you can take it out.
5
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I don t care.
5
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It s up to you.
5
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And I love that part of not being attached to it.
5
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I love her.
5
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I m really clear.
5
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And she s getting that consequence if she doesn t move, like, um, stop threatening them and then not following through, uh, because you teach them
5
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that you have to tell them and get angry and be a bit crazy in order for them to do what you asked them to do.
5
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And I like the rules and rhythms and routines.
5
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I remember in my home after dinner, me and my sister would clean up and we had a little rotor of who washed up that day and who cleaned the table that day.
5
SPEAKER_03
And it was just something that went around every day.
5
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We d take it in turns.
5
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My sister was four years younger than me and we d just do it together.
5
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And it became this thing that we just did and it became natural.
5
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It became a habit and it made us accountable and responsible to each other as well, as well as our parents.
5
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And it was a really neat way of
5
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kind of giving us that rules and, you know, I think sometimes we think of rules as like strict rules and guidelines, but actually it can be just a rhythm and a routine in.
5
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And it building competence and skill and you re part of the family rather than you re entitled
5
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to live in that family.
5
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And the earlier you start, the better it is, um, for kids.
5
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I mean, it s, it s hard if you not spend any time with children by the time they re 14, their friends are more important than you are.
5
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And that s the heartbreaking thing I ve learned is,
5
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If you re not spending time with them, their friends will take your place.
5
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And they may not have the advice.
5
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They may not have the right ear for you.
5
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And it makes them more vulnerable to all the scary stuff that s on social media.
5
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Well, I was going to ask you about that.
5
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I think a lot of challenges that parents have today are, my child is addicted to social media.
5
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They re addicted to their phone.
5
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Forget spending time with them.
5
SPEAKER_03
I can t even get them to look up and make eye contact.
5
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What have you seen, what have you experienced?
5
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There s a whole section on technology.
5
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Yes.
5
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Is you can have technology, and I recommend you delay it as long as humanly possible, because it s not in their best interest.
5
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But you can have technology as long as it s not creating a problem in the family.
5
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And if we re not connecting, that s a problem.
6
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in the family.
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If you re at dinner, now, you can t be on your phone all dinner and tell your child they can t be on theirs, right?
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So probably everybody should put their phones away so you can connect, right?
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Modeling mentally strong parents ultimately raise mentally strong kids.
6
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But the problem with social media, and you re on social media, I m on social media,
6
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It creates this toxic level of self-absorption.
6
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You know, who s looking at me?
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Who am I looking at?
6
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Who s following me?
6
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And self-absorbed people are never, never happy.
6
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But that s become such a challenge now, right?
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It s the thing everyone s addicted to.
6
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It s the thing everyone wants.
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It s, like you said, parents are on their phones.
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They re not going to stop straight away.
6
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What do you see being the silver lining or the light at the end of a tunnel that s going to have that breakthrough with a child?
6
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What do you think that would be?
6
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Well, I d go back to delay it as long as you can, even if the child s like, everybody s doing it, because everybody s not doing it, but it s like, I love you so much, I m gonna protect you.
6
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All the studies, all of them say that it makes kids more vulnerable to bad things.
6
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And then- What s it doing to our brain?
6
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What s social media doing to our brain?
6
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Well, addicting it.
6
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There s a book I love called Thrilled to Death.
6
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It s continually pressing on your nucleus accumbens that produces dopamine, continually pressing on the pleasure centers.
6
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in your brain.
6
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But the problem with that is the more you press on them, they begin to become numb.
6
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And you need more and more excitement, more and more stimulation, in order to feel anything at all.
6
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And I see it with the wonderful, famous people I ve been blessed to see.
6
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I see it in kids who are addicted.
6
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I mean, there are actually programs
6
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And I ve sent a number of kids away to video game internet addiction program.
6
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And when they get away from it, they become sweet again.
6
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I had one kid who parents took away video games.
6
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He broke up all the furniture in his room.
6
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And I m like, needs a program.
6
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What we decided to do, take away all the gadgets, good.
6
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And I scanned him a month later, and then I scanned him while he was playing one of the violent video games he was addicted to, and it deactivated his frontal lobes and his left temporal lobe, which is an area that s often involved in violence.
6
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Like, it s not a good thing.
6
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What about parents that are, you know, parents that are going through a divorce, going through a difficult time,
6
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What s the healthiest way to communicate that to a child?
6
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I know couples that are staying together for the children.
6
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They don t want to get divorced, even though they don t have a healthy relationship.
6
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I know others who had the divorce, but they re so scared about how that impacts the child.
6
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What have you seen through the neuroscience and research around when you re staying together or breaking up?
6
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So it s not good.
6
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Divorce is not good for the child.
6
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but staying in a chronically unhappy, conflicted, negative relationship is worse.
6
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So neither is good.
6
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I often say to the people I see, the best thing you can do for your child is love your spouse.
6
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The best thing you can do, model a healthy relationship.
6
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But you know, there s no education in school on how to have a healthy,
6
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relationship, right?
6
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So there should be.
6
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That would be helpful.
6
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When you go through a divorce, be really careful not to talk bad about the other person, because that child is half you and half them.
6
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If you re talking bad about their mother, they feel bad about themselves.
6
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Plus, it increases cortisol in their body and makes them much more likely to be sick.
6
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Bad thing often if you re gonna get divorced go to counseling together and Figure out how we are gonna parent together Raising mentally strong kids is great.
6
SPEAKER_01
Like we re gonna parent this way, you know, we have goals We have time together.
6
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We have rules one thing We didn t talk about yet is notice what you like more than what you don t write and there s all my whole penguin story is in there and
6
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which I think I ve probably told here before, but I d love that.
6
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Notice what you like.
6
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Every day you re shaping your child by what you notice.
6
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You re shaping your partner.
6
SPEAKER_01
You re shaping your employees.
6
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You re shaping everybody by what you pay attention to.
6
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And so notice what you like more than what you don t.
6
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And that really solidifies the kind part of effective parenting.
6
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I ve also been thinking a lot about, I was sharing with some families over last week when I was doing some events, this idea around how mindfulness and meditation can look very different for children.
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And so I don t think all kids need to be forced to sit in one place and close their eyes.
6
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I also think that mindfulness can be an activity of, hey, when you re outside today, see if you can find as many red things as possible.
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When you go out door today, come back and give me a list of things that you found that were read.
6
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Or can you find as many leaves that look like stars or any stones that look like stars today when you re out and about?
6
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And I think mindfulness can actually become alive when we re actually living it and breathing it.
6
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when they re out and about, as opposed to this feeling of kids need to learn it in a certain way.
6
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What have you seen with?
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Well, and they don t sit well.
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Yes, exactly, that s my point.
6
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And it doesn t mean they have ADHD.
6
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It may mean their nervous system isn t fully myelinated, right?
6
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It s not fully myelinated, for people that don t know what that means.
6
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When you re born, you actually don t have much myelin in your brain.
6
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As we develop, our neurons get wrapped with a white fatty substance called myelin.
6
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And a myelinated neuron works 10 to 100 times faster than an unmyelinated one.
6
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And when we re two months old, our occipital lobes in the back vision become myelinated.
6
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And so when you look at a baby and smile, they smile back.
6
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They don t do it as newborns because their visual cortex isn t working fast.
6
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And then slowly myelination goes from the back and comes to the front when finishes about when we re 25.
6
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And so expecting the child to act like an adult
6
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Bad, bad, bad.
6
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But you can teach them self-soothing techniques from the age of four, I think.
6
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Take a big breath, really slow, slow as you can.
6
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Breathe it out as slow as you can.
6
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And that ll come when they get anxious.
6
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So, you know.
6
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Yeah, what I m hearing from you today is that it s really helping them
6
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develop the tools that they re going to need long term.
6
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The challenge is we need to know what those tools are ourselves.
6
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And do them for ourselves.
6
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And do them for ourselves to really believe in them.
6
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Because otherwise we, like you said, we rush to solve their problems.
6
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We try and make up for their losses.
6
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They never get to become independent, resilient individuals.
6
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And talk to us about where love fits into all of this.
6
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Like, what does love look like?
6
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with your child beyond time and beyond certain things you ve said today.
6
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What does love really look like?
6
SPEAKER_00
What does love mean?
6
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Because I think when you think about what parents ultimately want, they want to be loving parents.
6
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That s what everyone wants to do.
6
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They want to love their child.
6
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But love overcomes is overcompensating.
6
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Love often translates as over-solving, over-fixing, overdoing, and overwhelming, and forcing them to be overachievers.
6
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And so even though we love them, we end up doing all these things that cause them pain.
6
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So love is when you want to bring their homework to school.
6
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It s not.
6
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because you love them and you want the best for them, which is becoming mentally strong.
6
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That s love.
6
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Love is putting away your phone and spending time with them.
6
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Love is when they go and when they re 10 and go, oh, my friends have a phone.
6
SPEAKER_01
What if a school shooter comes and I can t get ahold of you?
6
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children are manipulative.
6
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Quite frankly, all of us are manipulative.
6
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And it s like, you know, there are just too many risks with that.
6
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That s love.
6
SPEAKER_01
It
7
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setting boundaries in a kind, consistent way.
7
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And ultimately, love is you developing these tools so you can be firm and kind at the same time.
7
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Beautiful.
7
SPEAKER_04
Dr. Daniel Ehman, everyone, the book is called Raising Mentally Strong Kids, How to Combine the Power of Neuroscience with Love and Logic to Grow Confident, Kind, Responsible, and Resilient Children and Young Adults.
7
SPEAKER_04
If you don t have a copy already, go and grab yours right now.
7
SPEAKER_04
Dr. Daniel Ehman, what a gift to talk to you again about this subject.
7
SPEAKER_04
Like we ve said, you ve come on many, many times.
7
SPEAKER_04
First time that we ve really dove in into kids.
7
SPEAKER_04
and raising them.
7
SPEAKER_04
And I m so grateful that you put this book together for everyone else to read and share.
7
SPEAKER_04
And I hope that parents will develop book clubs around it, communities around it, because I think this conversation of raising mentally strong kids needs to be at the center of our schools, our homes, our families, because it s going to set them up and set our society and world up for so much success.
7
SPEAKER_04
So thank you so much for doing this, honestly.
7
SPEAKER_03
Thank you, my friend.
7
SPEAKER_04
Thank you.
7
SPEAKER_04
If you loved this episode, you ll love my interview with Dr. Gabor Maté on understanding your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds to start moving on from the past.
7
SPEAKER_00
Everything in nature grows only where it s vulnerable.
7
SPEAKER_00
So a tree doesn t grow where it s hard and thick, does it?
7
SPEAKER_00
It grows where it s soft and green and vulnerable.
7
SPEAKER_08
Hey, it s me, Blippi, and this is my best friend, Mika.
7
SPEAKER_08
Hi, I m Mika, and this is our brand new podcast, Blippi and Mika s Road Trip.
7
SPEAKER_08
The Blippi Mobile will take us to amazing places.
7
SPEAKER_08
And we ll meet new friends along the way.
7
SPEAKER_08
Listen to Blippi and Mika s Road Trip podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Bring a little optimism into your life with The Bright Side, a new kind of daily podcast from Hello Sunshine, hosted by me, Danielle Robay.
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And me, Simone Boyce.
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Every weekday, we re bringing you conversations about culture, the latest trends, inspiration, and so much more.
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I am so excited about this podcast, The Bright Side.
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You guys are giving people a chance to shine a light on their lives, shine a light on a little advice that they want to share.
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Listen to The Bright Side on America s number one podcast network, iHeart.
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Open your free iHeart app and search The Bright Side.
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people that I admire.
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When we say listen to your body, really tune in to what s going on.
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Authors of books that have changed my life.
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Now you re talking about sympathy, which is different than empathy.
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Never forget, it s okay to cry as long as you make it a really good one.
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Listen to A Really Good Cry with Radhi Devlukia on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.