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 If you feel like you're not living your most authentic life, not leaning into your purpose, and not living the life that your future self would be extremely proud of, I've written a new book called The Greatness Mindset, and I think you're gonna love this.
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Through powerful stories, science-backed strategies, and step-by-step guidance, The Greatness Mindset will help you overcome all the different challenges in your life to design the life of your dreams and then turn it into your reality.
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Make sure to click the link in the description to get your copy today.
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 We all develop this personality.
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Now the personality, we think that's us, but it's not us.
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Right.
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The personality is the traits that we took on to survive our childhoods.
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But we identify with it.
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Yes.
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So we think we're the personality.
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I wouldn't say kill that part of you.
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I'd say let's make friends with it.
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Let's find out what it's really trying to do for you.
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What it's trying to do for you, it's trying to make you feel.
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 Welcome to the School of Greatness.
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My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur.
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And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness.
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Thanks for spending some time with me today.
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Now let the class begin.
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 Welcome to this special masterclass.
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We've brought some of the top experts in the world to help you unlock the power of your life through this specific theme today.
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It's going to be powerful.
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So let's go ahead and dive in.
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What are the main, I guess, mental health, are they diseases or are they not considered a disease like a depression, ABD, ADHD?
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What are the main mental health
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 Symptoms out in the world right now.
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Could you say yeah, so Depression and anxiety are fast growing and and they're major challenges More and more kids are being diagnosed with ADHD More and more kids are being diagnosed with something called oppositional defiant disorder, which what is that opposition?
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Oh
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 That's when the kid is defiant and oppositional, and goes against adult values and adult expectations.
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But we think there's something wrong with the kid, instead of looking at the context of what makes the kid... The environment.
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Now, are these diseases?
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 You can talk about them as diseases to some degree and certainly you know I've had depression and I've taken medication for it in my 40s and it really made a difference for me.
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You might call it a disease but actually that's a shallow way of looking at it because actually
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 What does it go back to?
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It goes back to being a one-year-old infant or being a three-month-old infant.
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In the book, The Myth of Normal, the first chapter has a painting in it.
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 The painting is by my wife, based on a photograph of me and my mother.
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This is Budapest, Hungary, 1944, and I'm three months of age.
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And my mother in the photograph is wearing a yellow star that Jews had to wear.
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My father was away in forced labor, and within two months, her parents would be killed in Auschwitz.
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That was my first year of life.
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Oh my gosh.
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And the look on my face is full of terror.
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 I was absorbing my mother's fear and my mother's anxiety.
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Because she had terror in her face and you're mimicking.
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She had it in her body.
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You're connected to her, feeding 10 times a day.
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Exactly.
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And you're feeling the stress.
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Exactly.
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There's probably now no calm in her.
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There's no calm there.
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But she's already so stressed.
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 and she's just trying to make sure that we survive.
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She's not there to really receive my feelings.
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And then when I'm a year old, or 11 months old, she hands me to a complete stranger in the street to save my life, because she didn't think where we're staying I would survive for a day, and probably I wouldn't have.
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So I didn't see her for six weeks, five or six weeks.
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And you're one?
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I was one then, yeah.
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Oh my gosh.
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 Now, what could I do as a one-year-old?
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I could do two things.
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Or as an infant, go into all that.
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First of all, how do I deal with all that stress?
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I tune out.
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 I tune out, I become absent-minded as an adaptive mechanism.
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A coping mechanism.
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Exactly.
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55 years later, I'm diagnosed with ADHD, which is characterized by tuning out.
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Is it a disease?
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The heck it's a disease.
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It started as a coping mechanism.
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I'm also diagnosed with depression.
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Why?
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Because in that environment, I had to push my feelings down in order not to burden my mother, who was already burdened enough.
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 Create more peace and more.
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Yeah, so I took that answer.
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I pushed on my feelings.
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I depressed my feelings Then I have this depression.
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So are they diseases?
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Well, you can talk about them that way but I say they began as coping mechanisms and I'll tell you another story.
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I'm 78 now.
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So six seven years ago.
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I
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 I'm in San Francisco with a therapist and I've taken mushrooms.
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She works with mushrooms and I've worked with psychedelics and it's one of the things I write about.
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But this time I'm the patient, I'm the client.
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 And I'm lying there on the mat under the influence of the psilocybin.
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And I know exactly who I am.
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I'm 71 years old.
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I'm a medical doctor.
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I'm a writer.
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I'm a speaker.
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I'm married to my wife, Ray.
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This is a therapist.
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So I'm not hallucinating.
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I know exactly who I am.
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But at the same time,
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 I'm experiencing myself as a one-year-old infant.
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And this therapist is my mom.
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And I start crying and I say, I'm so sorry I've made your life so difficult.
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That's my one-year-old self.
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All of a sudden, under the influence, speaking up.
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I took it on that early that I'm responsible.
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In our conversation before, you told me about how you were in this relationship.
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 you couldn't leave it, even long after you realized it wasn't right for you, because you took on the responsibility of how the other person would feel if you would, quote, let them down.
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I'm telling you, that's your one-year-old speaking, that you took responsibility for the suffering of your parents, and how you mustn't let anybody down, because it's your responsibility.
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We take this stuff on so early, without words, actually.
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 They just become ingrained and then we live our lives out of it until something happens, as you did for you.
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Your body rebelled.
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You have a breakdown or something happens, right?
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And you're like, you either keep breaking down or it wakes you up and say, okay, why is this happening?
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 what is off, what is out of alignment, what is, you know, where am I out of integrity, whatever it might be.
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And I feel the challenge is, I was like, I want to end this suffering.
0
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You know, I've repeated this pattern many times.
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I'm sick and tired of this suffering.
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I'll do whatever.
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You know, I think when you, for me, I was like, I've felt enough of this.
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I don't want it anymore.
0
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 But it took so much courage to face these things for me, and I know other people have deeper traumas or different traumas, and it just seems so challenging for people.
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I wouldn't go there.
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I would not compare your trauma to anybody else's.
0
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Well, we all have our unique traumas, right?
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Different experiences that we face.
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That's right.
0
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Why is it so...
0
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 challenging for people to face it and start addressing it.
0
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I was telling you, you know, I've been doing pretty intensive therapy for about a year and a half now every two weeks.
0
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Not because I feel like something's wrong with me anymore.
0
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I'm stressed more because I want to maintain a level of peace.
0
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And I want to continue to maintain peace.
0
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 So once I realized and started healing, I didn't say, I'm good.
0
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I was like, I want to go to the next level of peace, love, an environment of beauty inside of my emotions.
0
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But why is it so hard for so many people to face it and actually speak the shame, guilt, insecurity, imperfection about them?
0
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Well, I think in your own work, you've touched upon the
0
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 accurately on why it's so difficult.
0
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For one thing, if you just, just the words that you just used, peace and love and connection, if you had played that to your 20-year-old self, how would he have responded?
0
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He'd have been like, suck it up, or he'd have been like, what are you talking about, you're fine, like, yeah, don't be a little wuss, or you know, just work harder, you know.
0
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Yeah, but where would that have come from?
0
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 I mean, just my entire conditioning growing up from sports and, you know, the house.
0
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So that's one of the factors is the conditioning in this culture.
0
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Okay.
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I also say it would have come from intense fear.
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 Because if you'd actually it's very fearful to look at all that pain inside oneself.
1
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It's terrifying.
1
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Yeah, it's terrifying.
1
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So there's intense fear So there's the conditioning as you say then there's the the fear it really is fear painful, you know, you know Nobody wants to have pain, you know but that's called growing pains and The third factor is we all develop this personality another personality.
1
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We think that's us but it's not us and
1
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 The personality is the traits that we took on to survive our childhoods, along with some genuine traits.
1
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So the personality is kind of an amalgam of childhood coping mechanisms and genuine qualities.
1
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Yeah, some good stuff, but then some also coping.
1
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Yeah, yeah.
1
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I remember I used to be like, I was a fun loving guy.
1
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I was like a kind, generous, but then when there was a trigger,
1
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 It was like I was angry and defensive and guarded and things like that.
1
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Or you talk about the various masks, the sexual mask or the material mask, aggressive mask.
1
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 When I started reading a chapter on the sexual mask, you wrote about some guy whose name I forget, but who's sort of the champion picking out women.
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I wouldn't want to be in his shoes for one split second.
1
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Poor bastard, I was thinking.
1
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That this is what he has to do.
1
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But what's that?
1
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It's having to prove to himself that he's lovable.
1
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Where's that come from?
1
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But we identify with it.
1
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So we think we're the personality.
1
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 sexually attractive guy, or I'm this aggressive guy, I'm this material guy who's going to make it in the world, you know?
1
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And so we think that we are our personality.
1
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So it comes from, I'd say, three sources.
1
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One is the conditioning, the other is the fear for the pain, and thirdly, the identification with the personality.
1
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We think that's who we are, and we don't know who we'd be without it, all of which is all based on trauma.
1
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 Yeah, it's the identity, you know, building this identity that, you know, and I talk about how the identity has supported you to accomplishing certain things or protecting you from certain things by having this identity.
1
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But it's also not serving us to hold on to that identity if we want the next level of peace and freedom.
1
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So it's, but it's so hard to kill an identity.
1
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 It's like you've had this thing for decades, maybe, and you've got to let go of this thing.
1
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I wouldn't even talk about killing.
1
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I mean, in my healing chapters of this book, I talk about, let's make friends with it.
1
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Like, for example, I have to, by the way, I have to be honest.
1
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 I said that I wouldn't be in this guy's shoes for a minute.
1
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That's not true.
1
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Part of me was envying him.
1
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Even here, I'm 78 and married 53 years, but I read about this guy who slept with all these women.
1
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Why couldn't I be that guy?
1
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I don't want to go there, and I wouldn't.
1
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I've long ago chosen not to.
1
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But there's still something that, who doesn't want to be wanted that much?
1
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Something with the ego or the desire, yeah.
1
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 But if we didn't kill those parts, but made friends with them, if somebody came to me with that kind of pattern of, I'm that sexual guy,
1
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 but they realize that it's not, they might feel high for a moment, like any addict will.
1
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It's not fulfilling.
1
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It's not fulfilling.
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I wouldn't say kill that part of you.
1
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I'd say let's make friends with it.
1
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Let's find out what it's really trying to do for you.
1
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What it's trying to do for you is trying to make you feel wanted, make you feel valuable, make you feel desirable, make you feel loved temporarily, make you feel powerful.
1
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 What happened to you that you don't feel lovable, that you don't feel desirable, that you don't feel powerful?
1
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You know, in other words, it's not a matter of getting rid of these parts or these aspects of ourselves.
1
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It's a question of actually getting to know them.
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And they all began as coping mechanisms.
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That man that you describe in your book, I guarantee, is a highly traumatized human being.
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 So when we start to ask ourselves this question that you're asking is what happened to you or when, you know, when did you feel not powerful or not lovable or not wanted?
1
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And let's say we're able to, someone watching or listening is able to assess themselves and actually be present
1
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 really reflect on the painful moments of the past, which a lot of people aren't even willing to talk about it to themselves, right?
1
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For 25 years, I had a memory of being sexually abused and thought about it almost every day, like for a moment.
1
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It would come at least weekly, maybe not every day, but it was like a memory, yeah, that's there.
1
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But I never told anyone for 25 years because it was so shameful and I didn't wanna be made fun of or all these things.
1
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 And so if someone's able to self-assess and say, okay, I had this pain, this trauma, I felt not powerful or whatever it might be, what's the next step for them once they start to journal about it and be aware of it?
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And they're like, I really wanna heal.
1
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What would be that next step in the process?
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 Well, I mean, it's not that I can prescribe what should be for everybody, and there's many different ways of working.
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But one of the things I would address, first of all, is the shame.
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Like, one of the impacts of trauma is shame.
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Because children are narcissists by nature.
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When I say narcissist, I don't mean in a pathological negative sense.
1
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I mean, they think it's all about them.
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The world revolves around me.
1
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Exactly.
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So if bad things are happening to me, it must be a bad person.
1
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 You know, number one.
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Number two, I didn't fight back.
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I couldn't defend myself.
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And so that makes me weak and, you know, so I'm ashamed of that.
1
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Now, actually, when you look at it, the not fighting back is nature's coping mechanism.
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Part of your nervous system just freezes, because if you fought back, what would happen?
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 Depends what age you are and no, but but as a young child if you fight fight back on Against the sexual abuser.
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All right, what would happen to you?
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Who knows?
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I mean, yeah, I've been even worse and and were you in a position to run?
1
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No, no So the part of your nervous system that would have you fight
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 or run away gets inactivated.
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It's protecting yourself.
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You're protecting yourself.
1
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And the part of the nervous system that freezes you, just be still and you get through this.
1
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Wait till it passes.
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Yeah, that takes over.
1
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So it's actually what you're ashamed about is actually the brilliance of your nervous system that protected you.
1
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 But you're beating yourself up in retrospect saying, I should have ran, I should have fought back, I should have done this.
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That's the first point.
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The second point is, if I can ask you, how old were you when this happened to you?
1
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And how long did it go on for?
1
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 It's probably 10-15 minutes, yeah.
1
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No, but it was only one time?
1
SPEAKER_00
One time, yeah.
1
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Okay.
1
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Who did you speak to about it?
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No one.
1
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Okay.
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Now, you don't have kids yet.
1
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No.
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But if you did have a child five years old, and this happened to, who would you want them to speak to?
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Me.
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Yeah.
1
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Now, if you found out that this happened to your child, and your child never told you, how would you explain that?
1
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 How would I explain it to... How would you explain to yourself why my child is not talking to me about this terrible thing that happened?
1
SPEAKER_01
 I would explain it by saying it's something I'm not doing.
1
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I'm not creating a safe environment to allow this child to speak up.
1
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And that was your primary trauma.
1
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Yeah.
1
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So the sexual abuse is a secondary trauma.
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As a matter of fact, the abuser, like you were bullied in school, you said, and the bullies can always sense the vulnerability.
1
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The bullies have like a weakness in you.
1
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They have a laser, like.
1
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Here's an insecure, weak person.
1
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Yeah.
1
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 which, by the way, speaks to their own trauma.
1
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But they have laser-like, like the physicians who abuse their patients, the spiritual leaders who do that to their followers.
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They see a weakness.
1
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They laser-like, they sense it, and that's who they pick on.
1
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And the bullies do the same thing.
1
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Now, that weakness, as we call it, comes from not having the solid support and protection and confidence and security in your family of origin.
1
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 So that's the primary trauma.
1
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That's the first thing that happened.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I mean that's the case for sure.
1
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So to answer your question, if somebody comes to me with those issues, first of all, if somebody realizes those things, I'd say,
1
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 Don't try to do this on your own.
1
SPEAKER_01
It's so hard.
1
SPEAKER_00
Talk to somebody.
1
SPEAKER_01
It's so hard.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, look, people with addictions, at least they have the 12-step groups where they can actually talk about it, and people ideally will not judge them.
1
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It's a safe space.
1
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It's a safe space.
1
SPEAKER_00
Or you might have friends, or you might reach out to a professional, or you might have an
2
SPEAKER_00
 partner that relationship is close enough where you can actually share this, you know, but you have to bring it out of you.
2
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By the way,
2
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 That just reminds me, this is one of the ancient Gospels, written on the same time as the other Gospels, is the Gospel of Thomas, in which Jesus says that what you shall bring out of you will save you.
2
SPEAKER_00
And what you don't bring out of yourself will doom you.
2
SPEAKER_00
He says something like that.
2
SPEAKER_00
He's a supreme psychologist.
2
SPEAKER_00
And so you gotta bring it out.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, what you suppress becomes more depressed, right?
2
SPEAKER_01
Exactly, yeah, yeah, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
So it's gotta start with that somewhere.
2
SPEAKER_01
 You've got to bring it out.
2
SPEAKER_01
And if someone has a... What if they say, well, it wasn't that big of a deal.
2
SPEAKER_01
This thing that happened back in the day, I was a kid and it only happened a few times.
2
SPEAKER_01
Whether it's sexual abuse or someone screaming at you or you were neglected or put in the corner, you know.
2
SPEAKER_01
I hear that all the time.
2
SPEAKER_01
It wasn't that big of a deal.
2
SPEAKER_01
I hear that all the time.
2
SPEAKER_01
I shouldn't be that concerned about it.
2
SPEAKER_01
It was five, who cares?
2
SPEAKER_00
You know, it was like, what do we... Okay, then that's a very simple way to answer that.
2
SPEAKER_01
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And I'm currently working on growing my team, and to me, hiring is one of the most important steps in setting your business up for success.
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2
SPEAKER_01
So why are we so messed up right now?
2
SPEAKER_00
No, no, no, no, no, not at all.
2
SPEAKER_00
 If a five-year-old kid came to you, and you were the uncle, Uncle Lewis, this guy did such and such to me, and I'm really scared and hurt, would you say to them, oh, no big deal?
2
SPEAKER_00
No.
2
SPEAKER_00
Think of all the other kids that worse things have happened to.
2
SPEAKER_00
Would you say that?
2
SPEAKER_00
Why wouldn't you say that?
2
SPEAKER_01
 Because I'd want to be there for my nephew and make sure he felt supported and seen and loved.
2
SPEAKER_00
And what would be the impact if you did say that?
2
SPEAKER_01
 I feel like it'd probably affect him for a long time, if that was a pattern of, that was the response that he got.
2
SPEAKER_00
But you see, that's what you're saying to yourself.
2
SPEAKER_00
When you say that it's no big deal, you're saying to the five-year-old that was hurt, it doesn't matter.
2
SPEAKER_00
In other words, there's no self-compassion there.
2
SPEAKER_00
What you would never say to anybody else, you're saying to yourself.
2
SPEAKER_00
And one of the impacts of trauma is lack of self-compassion.
2
SPEAKER_00
And again,
2
SPEAKER_00
 If I may mention my book, The Myth of Normal, I talk about that, about this idea of self-compassion.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I see it all the time.
2
SPEAKER_00
And so when somebody says to me, no big deal, you know, I say, okay, take any other child in your position, plug them into that situation, and tell them it's no big deal.
2
SPEAKER_00
Of course, I wouldn't.
2
SPEAKER_01
 But people do.
2
SPEAKER_01
They do say these things to their kids or to their nephews or nieces.
2
SPEAKER_01
They're saying like, ah, you'll be all right.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I think it's because they don't have the emotional courage to handle the wide range of emotions because they probably suppress the emotions themselves.
2
SPEAKER_00
I mean, that's the whole point.
2
SPEAKER_00
They're not comfortable with the child's pain.
2
SPEAKER_01
 Because when they're crying, they're like, I can't handle it.
2
SPEAKER_00
They can't handle it, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
My daddy used to be like, stop crying.
2
SPEAKER_01
Just stop.
2
SPEAKER_01
There was no hugging.
2
SPEAKER_01
He had a lot of love and affection in other ways, but he couldn't handle the crying and the scream.
2
SPEAKER_01
The emotions.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, the emotions.
2
SPEAKER_00
Well, in the book, I talk about the essential needs of children.
2
SPEAKER_00
And one of them is that they're given the freedom to feel all their emotions, particularly sadness and grief and pain, also joy and everything else.
2
SPEAKER_01
 Is it a symptom of trauma or unresolved healing that causes this disorder?
2
SPEAKER_01
And if we heal the trauma, will we be able to eliminate these symptoms or these disorders?
2
SPEAKER_02
 I think we'll be able to get rid of a lot of stuff, a lot of it.
2
SPEAKER_02
Some of it, as I mentioned, because there is that genetic loading, and we got to think of the genetics that we talked about already, right?
2
SPEAKER_02
We're talking about lineages of genetic loadings.
2
SPEAKER_02
So if we start doing the work now, maybe we'll see a lot less of these disorders happening within our families and our communities.
2
SPEAKER_02
So there is a lot that we can do to actually rectify.
2
SPEAKER_02
 the abundance of mental illness that's out there, right?
2
SPEAKER_02
I believe that there is a lot of the mental illness that exists in the world that has an undercurrent of trauma.
2
SPEAKER_02
And we just haven't talked about that undercurrent or that possibility as much.
2
SPEAKER_02
But I don't know if we'll be able to absolve ourselves of 100% of the mental illness in the world.
2
SPEAKER_02
But I think that we can do a really good job in this generation to break cycles.
2
SPEAKER_01
We're kind of an individual.
2
SPEAKER_01
 eliminate these mental health issues on an individual level if they are willing to do the deep healing work.
2
SPEAKER_01
Because essentially, because I feel like, correct me if I'm wrong, these are like symptoms of trauma.
2
SPEAKER_01
You didn't grow up depressed.
2
SPEAKER_01
Certain things happened, an event happened, an environment continued to foster the feelings of depression, the state of depression.
2
SPEAKER_01
 And if we can heal the memory, the trauma, the event, and reconnect to our purest self, our whole human self, wouldn't those things start to go away?
2
SPEAKER_02
That's precisely the goal.
2
SPEAKER_02
So, you know, where we started off with psychology and psychiatry is we started off with symptom management.
2
SPEAKER_02
A lot of psychiatry, you know, we're still kind of there a little bit.
2
SPEAKER_01
 Which is like, here's the drug to manage the symptoms.
2
SPEAKER_02
Band-aid.
2
SPEAKER_01
But that's not healing.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
That's not resolving.
2
SPEAKER_01
That's just managing it.
2
SPEAKER_02
Precisely.
2
SPEAKER_01
But that doesn't do anything to bring back to wholeness.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_02
And integrate the person.
2
SPEAKER_01
Integrating the healing, right?
2
SPEAKER_02
Exactly.
2
SPEAKER_02
And that's the goal.
2
SPEAKER_02
That's the goal for me.
2
SPEAKER_02
That's the goal in my practice.
2
SPEAKER_02
 I want full integration of that person.
2
SPEAKER_02
I want them to see, really see their authentic self.
2
SPEAKER_02
Some people have never even had an opportunity to see like who they could be at their true core self because it's been masked by so much of the trauma and the symptomatology that's associated with the trauma like the depression and anxiety and all these things.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
So you believe that people can heal these mental health challenges as well if they integrate fully?
2
SPEAKER_02
 Many of them, especially the ones that, you know, because I think we have like bipolar disorder and we have, you know, schizophrenia that have a different mechanism to them, but many of them, absolutely.
2
SPEAKER_01
But many of the ones that a lot of people are facing, depression, ADD, ADHD, you know.
2
SPEAKER_01
Depression especially, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
Right.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
How important is finding a meaningful purpose in life support you in overcoming feeling depressed or depression?
2
SPEAKER_02
 It's like so critical.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, 100%.
2
SPEAKER_02
I mean like when we're talking about what happens after trauma, meaning making is at the center.
2
SPEAKER_02
It's like one of the biggest things because you have to see your life having some sort of value and that there's meaning associated with your life and with everything that's within your life in order to actually like even feel motivated
2
SPEAKER_02
 to do the heavy lifting that is the healing work to get yourself to the other side.
2
SPEAKER_02
So you have to have meaning in that journey.
2
SPEAKER_02
Meaning making, it's alchemized in that journey, it's created in that journey, right?
2
SPEAKER_02
But I think at the very least you have to have hope that meaning making can be possible.
2
SPEAKER_01
Because what it sounds like to me,
2
SPEAKER_01
 Because a lot of people attach meaning in a more negative, harmful state to events, to words, to actions that happen around them.
2
SPEAKER_01
And therefore that meaning causes more depression, ADHD, or negative thoughts, all these different things that hurt us.
3
SPEAKER_00
 But if we created a different meaning around the event or the words or the breakup or the loss of a career, created a new meaning around it and had a different intention, different purpose moving forward, we wouldn't have those mental challenges as much.
3
SPEAKER_01
 Yeah, I mean, I think people, you know, just haven't been trained to ask themselves the right questions around meaning-making, right?
3
SPEAKER_00
And so... What's the right questions?
3
SPEAKER_00
Well, the right questions are, you know, well... If someone experiences a traumatic event or big T or little t, what questions should we ask?
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, we should be asking, you know,
3
SPEAKER_01
 So questions around, well, let's talk about what was learned in that circumstance.
3
SPEAKER_01
That's a really hard question to ask because sometimes people will be like, you really, you think that that needed to happen?
3
SPEAKER_01
No, it didn't need to happen.
3
SPEAKER_00
It did happen.
3
SPEAKER_00
It happened.
3
SPEAKER_00
You can't change it.
3
SPEAKER_01
You can't.
3
SPEAKER_01
That's in your history now.
3
SPEAKER_01
But what can we take from that experience?
3
SPEAKER_01
And it doesn't even need to be the traumatic event itself, but your response, your reaction.
3
SPEAKER_01
What can we take from that to learn
3
SPEAKER_01
 how to now create a healing protocol for you.
3
SPEAKER_01
And it's about being able to ask questions that get people thinking outside of the box.
3
SPEAKER_01
Because what happens when you're in a state of trauma is that you're frozen in many ways.
3
SPEAKER_01
Your thoughts are frozen.
3
SPEAKER_01
You start thinking a lot of the same things, right?
3
SPEAKER_01
It's a lot of protective functions.
3
SPEAKER_01
Your feelings are frozen in time.
3
SPEAKER_01
People constantly feel worry, anxiety, a lot of things that are
3
SPEAKER_01
 you know, just them being in a protective state.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so if we can start asking questions to freeze some of that up, that's going to be like really key.
3
SPEAKER_01
But I like that question even though, you know, I think it can veer us in different directions, but I'm open to that whenever it comes to work with a client, right?
3
SPEAKER_01
Because wherever we go, I'm with them.
3
SPEAKER_01
I'm going with you and we're following that path.
3
SPEAKER_00
 If someone stays committed to their story of meaning that it was this horrible event and it ruined my life, the divorce, the job loss, the injury, whatever it might be.
3
SPEAKER_00
 What happens if they hold on to the meaning in a negative way as opposed to, that was a traumatic event, I don't wish it upon anyone, but here's what I learned from it, here's what I gained from it, here's what I'm gonna do with it in a positive way.
3
SPEAKER_00
What happens to those?
3
SPEAKER_01
 Well the way that I interpret that is that that person is one, still in a state of fear.
3
SPEAKER_01
They're not ready to really get curious about what other definitions meaning can have in their life.
3
SPEAKER_01
 really stuck on the one definition, that it tarnished their lives, that it got in the way, and they're just stuck there.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so if that's the case, then my role as a clinician, or their role as a person that wants to get out of it, hopefully, is to work on the fear.
3
SPEAKER_01
You've got to work on where is fear trapped.
3
SPEAKER_01
 How is the nervous system operating around fear, right?
3
SPEAKER_01
Like, where can we free them up in a bodily sense?
3
SPEAKER_01
Because the nervous system requires a lot of that body-based work.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so we have to, like, really get curious about that and, like, go in that direction versus, you know, the questions are very mind-focused, right?
3
SPEAKER_01
But we need the body-based practices in order to create safety in the body.
3
SPEAKER_00
To release also, right?
3
SPEAKER_00
To release the fear, the pain, the trauma, and reconnect to the safety of your body.
3
SPEAKER_00
Is that right?
3
SPEAKER_01
 Exactly, and so that when a person can feel that there is safety in their body, they can feel that they can actually go into the depths of their minds in a way that doesn't feel scary and existential.
3
SPEAKER_00
 Right.
3
SPEAKER_00
Speaking of fear, I saw somewhere recently, I don't know if this is true, but I saw somewhere recently that we are, that human beings are born with three fears.
3
SPEAKER_00
The fear of loud noises, the fear of falling, and the fear of abandonment.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don't know if that's true, but if it is, we tend to build, add more fears as time go on.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don't know if that's true, if those are the only three, or we don't have fears at all,
3
SPEAKER_00
 But it seems like we gather, we collect more fears through childhood and adulthood.
3
SPEAKER_00
Why do you think we gather so many fears and collect them?
3
SPEAKER_01
Well, I think you're talking about like primary fears, right?
3
SPEAKER_01
Like those feel like primary fears to me.
3
SPEAKER_01
Like they're like what you start off with.
3
SPEAKER_01
As a baby, you're going to have that startle response.
3
SPEAKER_01
As a baby, you're going to need to feel deeply connected and attuned to a caregiver.
3
SPEAKER_00
Otherwise you don't live.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
 Basically, right and so like it's basically a fear of losing life or fear of losing safety So it makes a lot of sense But the accumulation of it also makes sense because we operate in mental representations and categories basically So we have specific categories in our minds that are primarily created in our childhood and then everything else that happens in life We put in the different categories in the buckets of our minds and they just start accumulating and growing So if you have a big fear bucket
3
SPEAKER_01
 then you're gonna have a lot of fears that are gonna come into your life and stay there because your fear bucket is just so enormous.
3
SPEAKER_03
 I was always a very grateful person you know not before the accident you know I used to crib a lot because I was too young and I was too naive but you know with time yes with time I realized that you know everyone is fighting an unseen battle Lewis everyone
3
SPEAKER_03
 And we are so good at the art of concealing the pain that we are in, all of us.
3
SPEAKER_03
The methodology changes.
3
SPEAKER_03
There are certain ways that we conceal pain.
3
SPEAKER_03
Sometimes we share, sometimes we don't.
3
SPEAKER_03
But we all are going through something in life every day.
3
SPEAKER_03
And I realize that if I think that I'm the one who's the most broken one, no.
3
SPEAKER_03
 I have traveled around the world, I have met so many people, and they had shared their very personal stories of how broken they are.
3
SPEAKER_03
And let me tell you, none of them were in the wheelchair.
3
SPEAKER_03
So there are so many people who are walking around, who are perfectly fine, they are running their businesses, they are so broken from within.
3
SPEAKER_03
All they want
3
SPEAKER_03
 is to be understood.
3
SPEAKER_03
They want someone who can understand their pain.
3
SPEAKER_03
And I feel so blessed that when people look at me, when they see me in the wheelchair, maybe they just think that because she is in pain, we can talk to her because she can understand what we are going through.
3
SPEAKER_00
Mm-hmm.
3
SPEAKER_00
Why do you think so many people are broken in the world who maybe
3
SPEAKER_00
 aren't in a wheelchair, who have able-bodied, let's say, don't have a disformed body or something, but they're broken.
3
SPEAKER_00
Where do you think that brokenness is coming from for so many people?
3
SPEAKER_03
Too many expectations from people.
3
SPEAKER_03
Too many expectations.
3
SPEAKER_03
You know, we want to get into a relationship because we want happiness.
3
SPEAKER_03
We want to feel complete, right?
3
SPEAKER_03
Soulmates.
3
SPEAKER_03
No, you are your own soulmate, period.
3
SPEAKER_03
 You know, if you are not in a good relationship with yourself, you will be miserable, even if you are in a relationship with someone.
3
SPEAKER_03
That's why people are broken.
3
SPEAKER_03
My happiness cannot be taken by someone because my happiness does not come from someone.
3
SPEAKER_03
Nobody is giving me my joy.
3
SPEAKER_03
I am the reason of my own joy.
3
SPEAKER_03
If we manage to understand this tiny little truth about life, we will heal.
3
SPEAKER_03
 And time doesn't heal you, you heal you.
3
SPEAKER_03
You need to sit down with yourself and think, do you love yourself enough?
3
SPEAKER_03
And if you love yourself enough and you believe in self-love, no external force will ever be able to break you.
3
SPEAKER_00
 How do we learn to love ourselves if we have been telling ourselves for so long I'm not lovable or I had this accident or you know I went through a breakup in a relationship and they left me or they abandoned me or whatever it might be how do we
3
SPEAKER_00
 How do we not let outside factors dictate our feelings about ourself and not let the fear of abandonment of people or people's love hold us back from loving ourselves?
3
SPEAKER_03
Yes, the fear of abandonment.
3
SPEAKER_03
We all have that.
3
SPEAKER_03
And we need to overcome this fear.
3
SPEAKER_03
I always say when wrong people leave, right things start to happen.
3
SPEAKER_03
 And we all are living a life story.
3
SPEAKER_03
You have your own story.
3
SPEAKER_03
I have my story.
3
SPEAKER_03
My brothers have their story.
3
SPEAKER_03
My mother has her own story.
3
SPEAKER_03
And when you find yourself in the wrong story, just leave.
3
SPEAKER_03
If someone is not adding value to your life story, or if you are not adding value to someone's life story, leave.
3
SPEAKER_03
Sometimes it takes letting go to realize you're holding on to nothing.
3
SPEAKER_03
 We are too busy clinging on to those relationships which are not meant to be in our journey.
4
SPEAKER_01
 That's why I say that these people are so toxic.
4
SPEAKER_01
With time they become so toxic for you that you know what, your presence in their life is their only definition.
4
SPEAKER_01
And they will never want you to leave because they are so weak they want to stay in your shadow.
4
SPEAKER_01
 So you need to pick and choose.
4
SPEAKER_01
This person is toxic, leave.
4
SPEAKER_01
Liberate yourself by setting all these extra people free who do not belong to your journey.
4
SPEAKER_01
And these people will always weigh you down.
4
SPEAKER_01
And if there's something is weighing you down, how will you fly high?
4
SPEAKER_01
And fear of abandonment, if you can manage to overcome this fear, again, when you are
4
SPEAKER_01
 On your own, completely, that is where you will understand that solitude is very powerful.
4
SPEAKER_00
So powerful.
4
SPEAKER_01
It's very powerful.
4
SPEAKER_01
You know, because even in that silence, you're having a conversation.
4
SPEAKER_01
I mean, there is no energy vampire around me.
4
SPEAKER_01
I'm on my own and I'm manifesting the best things for myself.
4
SPEAKER_01
 I would never trade my solitude to anything because when I am alone, on my own, I am the best version of myself.
4
SPEAKER_01
Because I'm kind to myself.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
4
SPEAKER_00
You're kind to yourself.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
4
SPEAKER_00
How much time did you spend alone after the accident?
4
SPEAKER_01
 So I have this really cool habit.
4
SPEAKER_01
I switch off.
4
SPEAKER_01
So even when I'm surrounded by a lot of people, I'm actually not there most of the times.
4
SPEAKER_00
Really?
4
SPEAKER_01
Yes, I'm just thinking.
4
SPEAKER_01
You know what, recently I was thinking about something that when I was talking about how this beautiful balance of strength and vulnerability makes us who we are.
4
SPEAKER_01
I was thinking about it the other day that I've experienced this balance on a daily basis.
4
SPEAKER_01
 You know, when I see my social media, you know, when I read emails and people sending beautiful messages that, you know, how your words have empowered us and, you know, because of you, we're not never going to give up.
4
SPEAKER_01
It gives me so much strength, you know, and I say to myself, oh my God, I'm so strong.
4
SPEAKER_01
And then at the nighttime, when I'm thirsty, I'm unable to get up and get a glass of water for myself.
4
SPEAKER_01
Right?
4
SPEAKER_01
That's my reality.
4
SPEAKER_01
 and how vulnerable I am at that moment.
4
SPEAKER_01
So this strength and this vulnerability makes us who we are.
4
SPEAKER_01
So I need to have my own moment with myself where I am willing to understand myself better.
4
SPEAKER_01
That if I am vulnerable, that's okay.
4
SPEAKER_01
I'm strong too.
4
SPEAKER_01
And the perfect balance of these two things make me who I am.
4
SPEAKER_00
 I'm so fascinated by your story.
4
SPEAKER_00
And every time I see your content, it makes me smile.
4
SPEAKER_00
Every time I see you post a video or a photo, I'm always just rooting for you.
4
SPEAKER_00
I'm so excited for you and your life and the impact you make.
4
SPEAKER_00
And you are so much more talented than just an artist.
4
SPEAKER_00
At first, you wanted to be an artist, and then you thought you couldn't be.
4
SPEAKER_00
You were like, these don't look good.
4
SPEAKER_00
But now you're selling your art, your arts and galleries.
4
SPEAKER_00
It's really inspiring.
4
SPEAKER_00
 but you're also a massive activist, you're a TV anchor, model, you did modeling, you sing, and you're a speaker, and you motivate millions of people around the world.
4
SPEAKER_00
You could have not done any of it.
4
SPEAKER_00
You could have said, I just want to be an artist and just go after that one thing, but you decided to go for more.
4
SPEAKER_00
What
4
SPEAKER_00
 When and why did you say, I want to start sharing this story and start putting this message out there in a bigger way and revealing these things about yourself that maybe you were scared to do?
4
SPEAKER_01
You know, I remember when I gave my very first talk, that was TEDx.
4
SPEAKER_01
And it actually happened when I decided and I manifested that I'm going to overcome the fear of facing people.
4
SPEAKER_01
It's so ironic that a public speaker was once scared of facing people.
4
SPEAKER_00
I was, for sure, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
 I know.
4
SPEAKER_01
So what happened was I gave my very first TED talk and after my TED talk, a girl from the audience, she came to me and she was crying and she said, can I give you a hug?
4
SPEAKER_01
 And I said, sure.
4
SPEAKER_01
So she gave me a hug, and she said, your 10-minute TED Talk has solved 10 problems of my life.
4
SPEAKER_01
And she said, today, you made me realize that those 10 problems never existed.
4
SPEAKER_01
They were just in my head.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I was overthinking.
4
SPEAKER_01
And because of you, I'm never going to give up.
4
SPEAKER_01
You know, in that moment, in the flashback, I could hear my mother saying, one day, God will show you how did he choose you out of so many for this test.
4
SPEAKER_01
 And that was the moment of realization that, you know what, if my words can change someone's perspective, maybe this is my true calling in life.
4
SPEAKER_01
You know, and as they say that in the end, what matters is how many lives you have touched.
4
SPEAKER_01
So art is my comfort zone, Louis.
4
SPEAKER_01
You know, I can sit in the corner of my room in a cozy environment, have a cup of coffee and paint and sell the work, make both ends meet, pay the bills, raise my son and live.
4
SPEAKER_01
But
4
SPEAKER_01
 I mean, is that enough?
4
SPEAKER_01
It's not enough.
4
SPEAKER_01
Because comfort zone is a good place to be but nothing ever grows there.
4
SPEAKER_01
So if you really want to grow as a person
4
SPEAKER_01
 If you really want to learn and unlearn, we need to tap on all the abilities that we have.
4
SPEAKER_01
We are so blessed with immense potential, which remains untapped, because we are too busy doing nine to five.
4
SPEAKER_01
We are too busy paying bills.
4
SPEAKER_01
And we live the same routine for so many years, and then we end up calling it life.
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It's not life.
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It's not.
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 You know, I realized later that, you know, I was labeled as the first wheelchair-bound model, the first wheelchair-bound singer, the first wheelchair-bound anchor, first wheelchair-bound, you know, and it was so much rubbed in my face that I said, you know what, I might be the first one to do all this, but I wouldn't be the last.
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 I had to pave path for so many people who are supremely talented, who are differently abled, who are supremely talented, but maybe, maybe they were just a bit scared to take the first step.
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 I took the first step.
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I broke those barriers.
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At least I tried.
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And now I see a lot of young boys and girls doing amazing work.
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Why?
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Because now it's normal.
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It's normal for a wheelchair user to smile.
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It's normal for a wheelchair user, may it be a boy or a girl, to look good, to wear lipstick, to look nice, to face the world.
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It's normal now.
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 And even right now when being an anchor person you know I'm working for the National TV of Pakistan and when I'm doing my show I'm always thinking about that little boy or girl you know sitting in a far-flung village watching my show and I think about them that you know they might be thinking that if a girl or a woman in a wheelchair can do this
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 We can do that too.
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 If you enjoyed this, please share it with a friend over on social media or text a friend.
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Leave us a review over on Apple podcast and let me know what you learned over on our social media channels at Lewis Howes.
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I really love hearing the feedback from you and it helps us continue to make the show better.
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 And if you want more inspiration from our world-class guests and content to learn how to improve the quality of your life, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness Newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.
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And if no one has told you today, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.
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And now it's time to go out there and do something great.