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My name is Lee Hawkins.
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I ve been a journalist for over 25 years.
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On my new podcast, What Happened in Alabama, I get answers to some of the hardest questions about how things came to be for many black Americans and the truth that must come before any reconciliation can happen.
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I investigate my family history, my upbringing in Minnesota, and my father s painful nightmares about growing up in Alabama.
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What Happened in Alabama is a new series confronting the cycles of trauma for myself, my family, and for many Black Americans.
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Listen now.
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Hey listeners, Tig here.
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Just want to pop in to say the episode you re about to hear is a delight.
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For reasons that will be obvious once you take a listen, it got me thinking about those chance, life-changing encounters that we only experience a handful of times over the years.
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Maybe it s an out-of-the-blue job offer or unexpected words of advice that finally gives you the last piece of an existential puzzle.
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Maybe it s meeting the love of your life.
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I d love to hear from you all out there.
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What have been those once-in-a-lifetime moments for you?
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Let me know and maybe I ll read some on the show.
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Go to DontAskTig.org or call 833-275-8444.
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That s 833-ASK-TIG-4 and leave me a voicemail.
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All right.
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Now on with the show.
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I ve gone to you for advice.
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Yes.
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I just want to really let our listeners know that you previously, you were somebody where I thought I got to ask Blake Bell what she thinks.
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I thought, well, this is a reasonable person.
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Now that I know you better, I know I went to the wrong person.
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Okay.
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Great.
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This is Don t Ask Tig, I m Tig Notaro, hoping my next guest can bless this mess of an advice show.
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My guest today is a director, writer, producer, and actor.
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She directed several episodes of Hulu s popular miniseries, Pam and Tommy.
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She produced and starred in ABC s Bless This Mess, and voices the character Poison Ivy in the DC Universe animated series, Harley Quinn.
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She wrote, directed, and starred in the hit Sundance film, In A World, which we are definitely gonna be talking about.
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She recently released her first audio book, Inside Voice, My Obsession With How We Sound.
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Lakebell, my dear old pal, welcome to Don t Ask Tig.
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Tig.
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Yeah.
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Thank you from the bottom of my heart for so many things, but also for just having me here today.
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Oh, well, let s list the things that you want to thank me for.
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I really thank the stars because, frankly, you and I have some magic among us.
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Yes, we do.
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Look, in a world, you know what I mean?
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Yeah, in a world.
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I mean, that s my biggest thank you to you because my wife and I played minor roles in a little
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little indie film called In A World.
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And here we are almost 10 years later.
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10 years.
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Still together.
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And that was really some magic making.
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It s so crazy.
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And neither of us were feeling that way in the moment.
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Yeah.
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I was deathly ill.
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And, you know, Lake had this little pallet on the ground, and I would go lie down and I get up.
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And we d always create kind of like a manger for you to go and snuggle into.
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not knowing I had invasive cancer and an intestinal disease.
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Didn t know that comfy pillows wouldn t do anything for you.
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And nor did I know that I was in scenes with my future wife.
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Wife, love, partner.
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Like, I adore you guys so much.
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You spoke at our wedding, but even before all that, we were just pals and nearly inseparable there for a run.
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Well, we have the same birthday.
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SPEAKER_03
Yeah, we have the same birthday.
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March 24th.
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Let s let people know.
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Different years.
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Different years.
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Fine.
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Fine.
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We met through your ex-boyfriend and became just fast friends.
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And now we re grown adults that have children and even busier careers and lives and don t see each other nearly as much as I wish we did.
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But man, do I love Lake Bell.
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Listen, that s how I feel.
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I have a fig tree that s very important to me and it s called Fig Notaro.
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Not Fig Newton?
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No, no, Fig Notaro.
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Okay, all right.
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Now, Legg, you ve recorded an audio book called Inside Voice after talking to linguistics professors, dialect coaches.
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Yeah, yeah, this is correct.
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No, Inside Voice is an audio book that I felt like it s somewhat of an extension of the sort of passion I had even in the inner world days, because I just kind of wasn t done yet.
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which was a movie about voiceover.
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Voiceover and the speaking voice.
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I find the human speaking voice sort of endlessly compelling from every angle.
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The book itself is kind of like pop sociology, I guess.
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Talking to professors, and I definitely talk to pathologists and linguists, and the idea that you can also just enjoy accents, dialects,
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quirks and affectation and trends all within the voice that all kind of, you know, highlight a real roadmap of your whole kind of story, you know?
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What were some of the most surprising findings in your research and discussions?
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Well, first of all, psychogenic dysphonia is really interesting.
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It is voice loss, like the voice kind of freezes up from trauma, and the voice actually ceases to work.
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Forever?
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No, you can work through it to get your voice back, but I thought that was really surprising.
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And then additionally, I got to speak to very iconic voices that are constantly being mimicked.
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to the likes of Jeff Goldblum and Drew Barrymore.
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They re almost a timestamp of cultural icons in their voice, a timestamp of our era in pop culture.
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Because I really feel like Jeff Goldblum and Drew, they both have these architectural quirks and uniqueness that s just like you can t help but want to emulate it.
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And have you always been comfortable with your voice or are you still like, I don t like my voice?
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Are you like, I love my voice.
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I m not very squeamish about me as a sort of performer at all because I have done it for so long.
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I ve been so curious about it and I ve utilized myself as a case study, you know, at all times.
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So sometimes I think even making this book, to be honest, is the first time that I m like, wow, that s enough.
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I don t need to hear my voice.
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You know what I mean?
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Like, it s the first time where it s a lot of talking.
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I remember for years, like so many people, I would cringe when I heard my voice.
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And now I m so used to my voice.
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You know, it s what I use to make
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my mortgage payment, you know?
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And so I don t even notice it anymore, but I find it fascinating when people are not used to hearing their voice hear it.
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Even now in recent days, I ve seen people hear their voice and they are like, oh, gosh, that s.
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Well, I think that people are really disassociated.
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There is this lack of self-awareness.
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It s sort of jarring to hear your voice played back to you because the truth is how you hear your voice inside your skull,
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as the sounds reverberate on the inner workings of your muscles and your bones and your teeth, and then they come out, it s not the same sound that you would then hear in a voice note that then s laid back to you.
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So at first listening, you re going, oh my God, I don t recognize that.
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And so thus, I think it s like, that feels a little unsafe, that feels unsettling, and thus it is self-loathing.
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How is your singing voice?
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It s funny, I really think of them differently, the speaking voice versus the singing voice.
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In the same way that I can architecturally play with my musculature and all the tools that I have in my vocal toolbox, in that way to do dialects and accents, I can do that.
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I take on singing like that.
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It s not painterly, where I just feel it and it s romantic.
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It s more like, okay, I can emulate that as long as I m trained.
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The vocal tools are very pliable.
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Usually when people say,
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I can t sing.
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It s like, well, if you re very vocally un-self-aware and you don t have a natural, just off-the-truck, gorgeous singing voice, then the only way to it is being very vocally self-aware.
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It would be amazing if that s how you got a good singing voice, if it came right off the truck.
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Off the truck.
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Listen, people would be clamoring.
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Yes.
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Now, Lake.
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Yes.
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You, at one time, were Hollywood Reporter s automotive columnist.
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How did you end up with this?
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My dad is in motorsport.
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Yeah.
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My dad, Harvey Siegel.
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And I know that you re bringing this up because you got to reap the rewards sometimes of the extraordinary cars that I would get given for a week or so to test drive when I had my
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test drive car column for The Hollywood Reporter.
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But yeah, I m an automotive journalist.
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So, yeah.
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That is so cool.
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Is that something where when you re out in the world dating, a guy is like, really?
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Not to be sexist.
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I mean, women are into cars too.
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But is that, I mean, my wife, who you introduced me to, loves a car.
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Where my feeling is, does it have four round wheels and a horn?
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then I m all in.
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Listen, I think it is pretty fun.
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I think that it can also go the other direction.
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Cause if a guy was like not that secure in himself and like, I know a ton about cars and it could be kind of like go the other direction or something.
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Like it s a turnoff easy with the earth.
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And like, I got so much of my own going on and then to boot, I don t know how to like change my own tire.
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Okay.
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See, I used to be able to do that.
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I believe that.
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How dare you?
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How dare you?
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No, I do, because I feel like you re from the South and you know how to do stuff.
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I have a picture of me changing attire.
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No, really?
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Smoking a cigarette.
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Hold on one second.
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I ll show you.
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Oh, great.
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Now, you folks at home can t see this, but the picture she s getting is on the wall.
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So this is a very dear picture, clearly, to her, because, I mean, it was framed and put on the wall.
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Hello, she s back.
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SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_02
Oh God, that s you?
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SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_02
Please tell me this is your new headshot, because this is all anyone ever needs to know about you.
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SPEAKER_02
I need to post this, right?
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SPEAKER_02
You need to post this, like, tonight.
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SPEAKER_02
Actually, when this comes out, people are going to want to know.
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I mean, I feel bad because I m smoking a cigarette, but it s kind of a cool picture.
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It was hanging right below a picture of me and Stephanie in Sweden about three weeks after we got together.
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We immediately went out of town.
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Or maybe we re in Scotland.
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We just went all over the place.
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Now, as far as the gig as the automotive columnist, is there any advice you would share with people shopping for a car?
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I mean, look, I currently am driving a 1979 Z28 Camaro.
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Okay.
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And whilst I love it and it s a really good, it s a fun ride, you know, four-speed manual, I think in LA, the way to go is EV.
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I m now auditioning and trying new EV cars.
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Like there s so many cool, there s Polestar, there s Lucid, you know, there s Rivian, you know, and I m kind of into that right now.
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SPEAKER_02
So that s, I m sort of,
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excited about the new generation of EV cars.
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SPEAKER_02
Yes.
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In all price points.
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So I just like that it s now getting more accessible.
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All right.
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Lake Bell says, get yourself an EV.
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Electric vehicle.
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Electric vehicle.
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And, Lake, you have described your family as comically dysfunctional.
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Was their dysfunction always humorous to you?
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That was a quote from so long ago, Tig.
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I got in trouble.
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My dad said, what s so dysfunctional, you know, about this?
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And I was like... That s you getting in trouble?
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No, no, no.
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He gave me proper go.
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He gave me guff.
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What s dysfunctional?
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He was like, you know, I ve been married for so long, you know, like this and that.
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He just gave me guff.
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And by the way, you re totally right to call me out on that because I do tend to think I m in trouble.
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I did it wrong.
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So if anyone s like, hey, I think you dropped your napkin.
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You re like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, I did it wrong.
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You know what I mean?
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So that s my own problem, but I ve gotten over it.
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But he was bummed on that comment or something.
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What I meant was there is dysfunction in most families, and there s totally dysfunction in how a divorced family with, like, multiple marriages and remarriage, you know, being carted from, like, apartment to apartment.
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You know, it s just kind of a messy scene, but...
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Part of it was great.
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I was allowed to be funny.
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I was allowed to mine for humor.
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When the grownups were all being scary and angry.
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Yeah.
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It s really fascinating when you see a family that teeter on pretty close to not so dysfunctional.
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It s startling.
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Oh, yeah.
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I mean, it s- It s a confusing- You guys are good.
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Who?
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You and Stephanie are pretty beautiful.
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We re really good.
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We ve had our share of ups and downs and bumps in the road.
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And we have ongoing issues.
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And I ve talked about it a lot, but we make each other laugh so hard.
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And so we re pretty good at tapping out of a bad situation.
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Our new goal that we re trying to work on is
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Even though we re tapping out of a heightened situation, we have to go back and revisit what the issue is.
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You can t just laugh and then walk away, which we did for a long time.
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Well, it brews.
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It just will brew.
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It ll come back bigger.
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You got to go back.
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You got to go back when it s not as charged, obviously.
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Absolutely.
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SPEAKER_02
I mean, I m divorced, so.
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SPEAKER_03
Yes, but you re also you ve got a good thing going on with your ex.
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SPEAKER_02
Yeah, we re like very, very close.
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SPEAKER_03
He s awesome.
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SPEAKER_02
He s the best Scott.
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And he, you know, I think it s the kind of thing where it s the most proud we are of anything we ve ever done in our relationship is the idea that we can have come to this new chapter of our relationship as co parents and friends.
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and really root for each other in our own lives and then have this bond in our children.
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I know it s unusual because sometimes I get some pushback from people who don t relate to it and they don t get it.
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SPEAKER_02
They don t trust it.
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They don t trust it.
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Yeah, it s confusing.
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SPEAKER_03
Well, it doesn t confuse me.
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SPEAKER_03
Lake, are you ready to help our listeners?
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They need advice.
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I love this.
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Let s go.
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Okay.
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The first question is from a listener who needs help finding their voice.
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And I have a feeling you re just the person to help.
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Marissa writes, dearest Tig, my therapist recently suggested I try using a narrator to help me externalize and differentiate some of my negative self-talk
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from who I am as a person.
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She suggested I choose another person s voice for this exercise, and my immediate instinct was to use yours, Tig, since I ve been listening to your podcast and appreciating what an advocate of self-care you are.
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Do you think I made the right choice here?
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SPEAKER_03
Whose voice would you suggest?
0
SPEAKER_02
Very interesting therapeutic assignment.
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SPEAKER_03
And so wait, Marissa is saying she s using my voice to say these terrible things to herself?
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No, no, no.
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I think to quiet, like her inner voice in monologue sounds like her and it s quite negative.
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And so she has to repurpose the good aspects of herself.
0
SPEAKER_02
This makes sense.
0
SPEAKER_02
and give her positive self-talk, but through your vocal lens.
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SPEAKER_02
Ah, I like it.
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SPEAKER_02
I like it.
0
SPEAKER_02
Can you say something for her and just say like, hey, Marissa, it s me, Marissa.
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You look great.
0
SPEAKER_02
You re doing great.
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SPEAKER_02
You re exactly where you re supposed to be.
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SPEAKER_03
Hey, Marissa, it s me, Tig, as you.
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SPEAKER_03
I think you re stellar.
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SPEAKER_03
I think you re doing all the right things.
0
SPEAKER_03
Do you think this is a good practice, Lake?
0
SPEAKER_02
I mean, I just feel like clearly she adores you.
0
SPEAKER_02
She would really like to hear your voice as her telling her that she s
1
SPEAKER_03
She s doing okay, you know?
1
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And frankly, everyone s allowed to have a sh-t day.
1
SPEAKER_03
And everyone s allowed to say a little negative self-talk, god-sh-t.
1
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But, you know, let s amplify the good self-talk.
1
SPEAKER_02
I have this little moment in my HBO special called Drawn that s animated, and it s about when I was a kid, I created this idea that Eddie Van Halen was hanging out and just checking on me.
1
SPEAKER_02
And I remember just being outside and juggling my soccer ball, and Eddie Van Halen was just leaning against a tree in my head and just watching over me.
1
SPEAKER_02
And that was my little, uh...
1
SPEAKER_03
Your angel, your Eddie Van Angel.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, my Eddie Van Angel that was letting me know I was doing a good job.
1
SPEAKER_02
And he d just come back from tour every now and then, you know, swing by on the Van Halen tour bus and just be like, I got to go check on this little girl, you know, make sure she s doing all right.
1
SPEAKER_03
I love that.
1
SPEAKER_03
That has a visual component too, which I think is quite nice.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, it s animated now.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s on HBO.
1
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Now, Marissa, if it helps you, I m happy to play this role of one of your inner voices, okay?
1
SPEAKER_02
And Lake Bell is behind this as well, right?
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SPEAKER_02
I m supportive of it, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
She is supportive.
1
SPEAKER_02
Lake, don t go anywhere.
1
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We ll pause for a short break, but then we ll be back, because I have more questions.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m Christina Cauterucci, and this season on Slow Burn.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s called Proposition 6.
1
SPEAKER_03
The Briggs Initiative.
1
SPEAKER_01
John Briggs is going to fire every gay and lesbian schoolteacher in California.
1
SPEAKER_01
With so much at stake, young people became activists.
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SPEAKER_01
We can t let this happen in California.
1
SPEAKER_01
And activists became leaders.
1
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My name is Harvey Milford, and I m here to include you.
1
SPEAKER_01
Slow Burn, Season 9.
1
SPEAKER_01
Gays Against Briggs.
1
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Out now, wherever you listen.
1
SPEAKER_02
And we re back, Lake.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
1
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This next question was sent to us from a listener who self-identifies as shy.
1
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_02
Georgia writes, hey Tig, hey.
1
SPEAKER_02
I feel like that s a reference to my other podcast, but.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m a single woman in my late 30s, although I work for a pretty large company.
1
SPEAKER_02
My work is mostly independent, so I don t meet many people.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m also on the shy side and struggle with chatting up random people.
1
SPEAKER_02
Every once in a while at work, I walk past a certain guy in the hall who I think looks really nice and cute.
1
SPEAKER_02
I feel like we have mutually taken notice of one another before, but that is all.
1
SPEAKER_02
I would really like to find out more about him or get to know him but have no reason to talk to him or even approach him.
1
SPEAKER_02
Do you have any ideas for how I could somehow strike up a conversation or at least get beyond just a smile?
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, Georgia, you sound like a delight of a person is the vibe I get from you.
1
SPEAKER_02
Lake, do you have initial thoughts or feelings about this?
1
SPEAKER_03
I feel like the good news is you re old enough at this point to just you don t have to be afraid.
1
SPEAKER_03
If you re in your 20s, I do think it is intimidating.
1
SPEAKER_03
But then you realize at a certain point, I think your 30s gives you the allowance and the privilege to just be bold.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
Look, all we re talking about is something simple, like starting a conversation of any sort.
1
SPEAKER_02
You could potentially lose a guy you don t even have.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
So it doesn t matter.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
All it is, is, you know, you re in the space together.
1
SPEAKER_03
You re clearly throwing rhythm at each other, is I think what we say.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, we do say that.
1
SPEAKER_02
Me and you, we always say that.
1
SPEAKER_02
When you and I talk about it, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
When we talk, we talk about it.
1
SPEAKER_03
This is what we say, throwing rhythm.
1
SPEAKER_03
And so with that, I feel like you see him, he sees you, and in one of those moments, you re like, hi.
1
SPEAKER_02
Let s start there, you know, it s like you know when you really care less is in your 50s, right?
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh my lord.
1
SPEAKER_02
Do I care less but go on I will say this like how do you feel take about?
1
SPEAKER_03
Mm-hmm throwing rhythm to someone that is in your workspace maybe she s having some reticence because it s kind of like the where you eat thing and
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, you say there s no reason to not except for the fact that maybe they ll start dating and then break up and be miserable in their workplace.
1
SPEAKER_03
I feel like even at 30 something, you re going to be OK.
1
SPEAKER_02
In its late 30s.
1
SPEAKER_02
This person is almost 40.
1
SPEAKER_02
Happy birthday.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
You re a grown up.
1
SPEAKER_03
You re allowed to go up to a cute guy who is smiling at you and talk to him.
1
SPEAKER_03
That s the cool thing about being in your late 30s and early 40s, whatever.
1
SPEAKER_02
It doesn t matter, like... Nothing matters, first of all.
1
SPEAKER_02
And in a dark way, you could look at it, but also in a light-hearted way, nothing matters.
1
SPEAKER_02
Nothing matters.
1
SPEAKER_02
Go talk to him.
1
SPEAKER_03
I think that the only thing I would say is, the annoying part of this is if you don t do anything.
1
SPEAKER_03
Because it s just gonna be this extended rotation of what if, what if, what if.
1
SPEAKER_02
Or maybe that s what is...
1
SPEAKER_02
The tension?
1
SPEAKER_02
Keeping you going at work.
1
SPEAKER_02
The flirtation?
1
SPEAKER_02
Or just the will-we-or-won t-we vibe, so it makes work fun to go to.
1
SPEAKER_03
Ooh, that s a great point, Tig.
1
SPEAKER_02
If nobody s hitting on anyone, and you just look forward to passing him in the hall and smiling, and then you can create this fantasy of, oh, he likes me, and he is going to ask me out soon.
1
SPEAKER_02
For five years.
1
SPEAKER_02
For 40 years.
1
SPEAKER_02
All of your tenure at the company.
1
SPEAKER_02
Maybe he listens to this podcast.
1
SPEAKER_03
If he listens to this podcast, what s her name?
1
SPEAKER_03
Georgia?
1
SPEAKER_02
It is Georgia and she s in her late 30s.
1
SPEAKER_02
So if you have a job and you work with someone named Georgia in her late 30s, don t ask her age.
1
SPEAKER_02
Don t ask her age.
1
SPEAKER_02
Do not ask her age.
1
SPEAKER_02
Ask everyone around her how old she is.
1
SPEAKER_03
And that s how you ll get it.
1
SPEAKER_03
And then... If you have rhythm with her.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
She likes you.
1
SPEAKER_02
I ve never even heard that saying, throwing rhythm.
1
SPEAKER_02
Really?
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
Do you like it?
1
SPEAKER_02
How do you like it?
1
SPEAKER_02
Sure.
1
SPEAKER_02
I immediately picture, oh my gosh, if Stephanie leaves me, would I be capable of throwing rhythm anywhere?
1
SPEAKER_02
I don t know if I will.
1
SPEAKER_02
Anyway.
1
SPEAKER_02
Look, she s not leaving you, so you don t have to worry about it.
1
SPEAKER_02
Georgia, good luck.
1
SPEAKER_02
Let us know how your mystery hall guy responds.
1
SPEAKER_02
We re going to take a quick break to answer a question that came in our therapy etiquette inbox.
1
SPEAKER_02
This segment is where we answer those awkward questions we all have as people getting the professional help we need and deserve and is sponsored by BetterHelp.
1
SPEAKER_02
Today s question was sent in from Ani.
1
SPEAKER_02
Ani writes, hi Tig, therapy etiquette question for you.
1
SPEAKER_02
I ve been seeing a therapist for a few years and while we get along pretty well and I ve made good progress with her support, I recently learned about something a friend is doing with their therapist that I would like to try.
1
SPEAKER_02
My friend and I have some similar issues, so it seems like this new activity would be helpful.
1
SPEAKER_02
I don t want it to seem like I m telling my therapist how to do their job or that I m ungrateful for what she s done for me already.
1
SPEAKER_02
How should I tell my therapist I want to try something I heard about from a different therapist?
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, I don t think it s weird at all to talk about different strategies and techniques because your therapist is definitely paying attention to what others in the field are doing and considering what works best for you.
1
SPEAKER_02
I bet they d even appreciate the feedback or suggestion or whatever you have.
1
SPEAKER_02
One thing to think about is what parts of your friend s experience do you want to replicate?
1
SPEAKER_02
Was it helpful for them in building rapport, going deeper, organizing their thoughts, or setting goals?
1
SPEAKER_02
Maybe that larger objective is what you and your therapist can work on, whether it involves this technique or another more suited to your particular vibe.
1
SPEAKER_02
It does seem like you are genuinely grateful for your therapist s support, but all therapists should be checking in with their clients to make sure they re getting what they need, especially as they grow, change, and understand the world differently.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I hope that that s been helpful or at least somewhat reassuring.
1
SPEAKER_02
We want to hear from you.
1
SPEAKER_02
Send us your therapy etiquette-related questions at DontAskTig.org.
1
SPEAKER_02
Thanks to our sponsor, BetterHelp.
1
SPEAKER_02
Now, let s get back to our conversation with Lake Bell.
1
SPEAKER_02
Lake, here s a question from a listener named Julie.
1
SPEAKER_02
Julie.
1
SPEAKER_02
Julie writes, greetings Tig.
1
SPEAKER_02
I have a bit of a conundrum.
1
SPEAKER_02
My aunt has invited me to live with her in Brussels for a few months, which sounds amazing.
1
SPEAKER_02
However, my savings account is nearly empty and paying for the flight would send me into debt.
1
SPEAKER_02
My mom offered to pay for my ticket as a gift.
1
SPEAKER_02
In theory, this would be perfect.
1
SPEAKER_02
However, I m in a rough spot with my mom right now.
1
SPEAKER_02
She is so critical and controlling.
1
SPEAKER_02
I wrote her a letter and told her I need space from her.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m nervous that her offering to pay for this trip is a ploy to buy back my love.
1
SPEAKER_02
What should I do?
1
SPEAKER_02
This is rough, because that s so unfair.
1
SPEAKER_03
I do think, in general, I mean, again, I like how you poke holes in everything I ve said, because you re usually right.
1
SPEAKER_03
When it comes to money and family, for me, this is kind of triggering.
1
SPEAKER_03
If there s any way to do it without having those ties, it always amounts to a better relationship, personally.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, yeah, it definitely can get tricky.
1
SPEAKER_02
This is a crazy suggestion.
1
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_02
But what if, you know how people start those GoFundMe accounts?
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
Married couples have it like, hey, we want to do a honeymoon, but we don t have the money, you know?
1
SPEAKER_02
I mean, I know you said don t take money from family, but your mother could donate to that.
1
SPEAKER_02
Other people could donate.
1
SPEAKER_02
If you were saying I ve been invited to go here or your friend started it for you, I have no idea if this is terrible advice.
1
SPEAKER_02
This is called Don t Ask Tig.
1
SPEAKER_02
Everyone get off my back.
1
SPEAKER_02
But if somebody started this, if I said, Lake, I really want to go someplace, I m totally broke.
1
SPEAKER_02
Would it?
1
SPEAKER_02
I mean, is this a weird suggestion?
1
SPEAKER_02
I have no idea.
1
SPEAKER_03
I like your idea of, look, if you have a challenging relationship with your mother and you have this little seed inside you that s saying, this is a cookie to get you to come back.
1
SPEAKER_03
You know?
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
Because that could be manipulative and money, unfortunately, especially large amounts often come with a lot of baggage, a lot of ties, you know?
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
I feel like any other way to do it, either it s like, you just can t do it, you know, this year.
1
SPEAKER_03
And that would be, I don t know what her age is, but when you get to be like an adult adult, you just don t, if you don t have the funds, you just don t do it.
1
SPEAKER_03
You know, you re just like, okay, I ll try next year.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, maybe if you re going to live with your aunt, could she do some sort of job while she s out there for a little bit and then she s not paying rent?
1
SPEAKER_02
Maybe?
1
SPEAKER_02
I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_02
Julie, it s a tough call.
1
SPEAKER_03
Julie, there always is a way, but it might
1
SPEAKER_03
behoove you to mine for some creative solves in the realm of either having an arrangement with your aunt and sort of talking about like, hey, is there something I could do where it s like, I m gonna pay it, I m probably gonna be in debt, and then what I ll have to do is pay it off.
1
SPEAKER_03
Is there a job I could kind of get locked in?
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, like the aunt pays for the ticket?
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, either the aunt or... Come on, auntie.
1
SPEAKER_02
Auntie.
1
SPEAKER_02
Auntie.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s Brussels, so, you know.
1
SPEAKER_02
That s where I m gonna go.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
And then she can work her way back.
1
SPEAKER_02
Work her debt off.
1
SPEAKER_02
We solved it.
1
SPEAKER_02
We solved it.
1
SPEAKER_02
We solved it.
1
SPEAKER_02
If you really want me there, kick down the cash, lady.
1
SPEAKER_02
But you know what to do, Julie.
1
SPEAKER_02
So do it.
1
SPEAKER_03
Julie, you got it.
1
SPEAKER_02
You know, like this last listener question involves neighbors with friends with benefits.
1
SPEAKER_02
Here we go, Lindsay writes, I m a woman in my 40s and I live next to a house with three men in their 20s.
1
SPEAKER_02
My kitchen window looks directly at their house and on more than one occasion, I ve seen them having sex.
1
SPEAKER_02
I normally avert my eyes and leave the kitchen, but my elderly conservative mom is going to be staying with me for a while, and we eat all of our meals in the kitchen.
1
SPEAKER_02
I ve rarely spoken with these guys.
1
SPEAKER_02
How do I ask them to close the blinds when they re having sex without it being too awkward?
1
SPEAKER_02
Thank you, Tig.
1
SPEAKER_02
So is she saying there s a throuple going on and three guys are hooking it up or just there?
1
SPEAKER_03
And while I know that you would like more details on that, I think the main issue is sexual intercourse of some kind is occurring frequently in the kitchen.
1
SPEAKER_02
Lindsay is asking that they shut their blinds.
1
SPEAKER_02
Lindsay, do you not have blinds?
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
Can you not shut your blinds?
1
SPEAKER_03
It s the kitchen.
1
SPEAKER_02
I know, but people have blinds in kitchens.
1
SPEAKER_03
I think you either have to get blinds in your kitchen.
1
SPEAKER_03
You know, there s those half ones, what are the like cute little, it s a little rod that goes through the half of the window.
1
SPEAKER_02
Grandma s kitchen.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, but you can do it with a nice, clean piece of linen.
1
SPEAKER_03
Anyway, point is, either you figure out your blind situation, or you could have the great story of a lifetime and go over there and say, you could leave a note, I suppose.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, here s the thing.
1
SPEAKER_02
If you write a note, you don t have to say, I see you having sex.
1
SPEAKER_02
No.
1
SPEAKER_02
You might just say, hey, just wanted to let you know that my mother is going to be visiting.
1
SPEAKER_02
Or you can say, grandmother.
1
SPEAKER_02
Or you just say, I have house guests coming to visit, and I do.
1
SPEAKER_02
Or you could have that awkward message.
1
SPEAKER_02
Delivered.
1
SPEAKER_02
Or you could put, here s an idea I just had.
1
SPEAKER_02
You could put cardboard and wood all on your windows and say that a baseball came flying through your window and you re having your window fixed.
1
SPEAKER_02
Jesus.
1
SPEAKER_02
And then you just block the whole thing out.
1
SPEAKER_02
And then when mama leaves town.
1
SPEAKER_02
Back to parties.
1
SPEAKER_02
Back to thruple sex peekaboo.
1
SPEAKER_03
Peek-a-boo.
1
SPEAKER_03
I think that that is a great don t ask, take answer.
1
SPEAKER_03
However, I would also say
1
SPEAKER_03
How dare you?
1
SPEAKER_03
I love the idea of this letter, because I just would enjoy the shit out of penning it.
1
SPEAKER_03
Because you d have to find so many euphemisms for throuple sex that you have to think of like artful ways to get around it.
1
SPEAKER_03
Where you re like, hey, you know, with neighborly respect, I m assuming you re not aware that some of your windows are exposing
1
SPEAKER_03
Your exposures.
1
SPEAKER_03
Your exposures.
1
SPEAKER_03
Your private parts.
1
SPEAKER_03
At all.
1
SPEAKER_03
And, you know, I just, you know, with respect to your own privacy, you know, I just wanted to let you know.
1
SPEAKER_03
So maybe just when my, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, make it not actually about your mother visiting.
1
SPEAKER_02
Just say, oh, hey.
1
SPEAKER_03
You probably don t know this, but out of respect, neighborly respect.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, and don t make it time sensitive or mama visiting sensitive.
1
SPEAKER_02
Just be, hey, I we can see into your house.
1
SPEAKER_02
I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_02
You might want to do something about that.
1
SPEAKER_02
Dear for your own privacy, for your own privacy.
1
SPEAKER_03
I wanted to respectfully tell you as a neighbor that sometimes people can see
1
SPEAKER_03
into your Northwest facing windows, get a compass is what I m trying to say.
1
SPEAKER_03
So just FYI, pull your pants up for your own privacy.
1
SPEAKER_03
Put your **** away, you know?
1
SPEAKER_02
Put your privates away.
1
SPEAKER_03
All of them.
1
SPEAKER_02
All three.
1
SPEAKER_02
All three privates.
1
SPEAKER_02
Your front bottom, your back bottom, your top bottoms, just all of them.
1
SPEAKER_02
Just put them away.
1
SPEAKER_02
Put them away.
1
SPEAKER_02
Mama s coming to town.
1
SPEAKER_02
Okay, Lindsey, that s quite a situation you got yourself in, but best of luck.
1
SPEAKER_02
Keep us posted.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, I mean, good for you, you know?
1
SPEAKER_02
Lake, this last segment is taking us into the confession booth.
1
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_02
Welcome to the confession booth.
1
SPEAKER_02
The Don t Ask Tig Confession Booth features listeners sharing secrets they ve never told anyone in order for us to give them the advice they re too afraid to ask for.
1
SPEAKER_02
Today s confession was sent by Molly.
1
SPEAKER_00
Hi Tig, my name is Molly.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m calling because I wanted to confess something to you that I have not confessed to anyone else.
1
SPEAKER_00
And that is that I m still in love with someone who I dated before and
1
SPEAKER_00
I m in a new relationship with someone great and I want it to work, but I find myself thinking about my ex often and I really struggle with it.
1
SPEAKER_00
So have you ever been in this situation and what did you do about it?
1
SPEAKER_02
That is a rough spot to be in whether you re.
2
SPEAKER_01
Dating someone or married or even if you re single and you can t shake someone.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s painful and I feel for you and I have been in a place where I couldn t shake my feelings and I have to say one of my proudest
2
SPEAKER_01
accomplishments accomplishments i don t know if it s an accomplishment but i entered my relationship with stephanie and maintain that still 10 years later not interested in anybody else and i am so thankful for it
2
SPEAKER_01
day in and day out.
2
SPEAKER_01
I ve certainly found people attractive, but I don t know what I would do if I was in my marriage thinking about somebody
2
SPEAKER_02
I think the move here is, if I could just chime in, is that you owe it to yourself and your partner to seek professional advice, because that s a big one.
2
SPEAKER_02
Meaning, you know, therapy, because you ve gotta like hash it out with someone more than just like, here s a confessional.
2
SPEAKER_02
Like this is major.
2
SPEAKER_02
If you re feeling at the level of like, I m having trouble not thinking about this other person while you re in a committed relationship,
2
SPEAKER_02
You can t walk around with that secret.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s cancerous, honestly.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
Are you getting vibes and reason to believe this is mutual, or is it just one-sided?
2
SPEAKER_01
Because again, to go back to my marriage, there can be an attractive person.
2
SPEAKER_01
There can be somebody that s coming on to me.
2
SPEAKER_01
I ve been down that road before.
2
SPEAKER_01
And the person I dated previously, I went down that road too.
2
SPEAKER_01
The road I haven t been down is the road I m on right now.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I just wonder if there is something that s keeping you from being available to what your life could present for you.
2
SPEAKER_02
I hear you on that.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s cliche to say that relationships are hard work.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s like, because they are.
2
SPEAKER_02
And so the point is, if you haven t been down that road or you ve had a history of looking at the other side of the street a little bit, you got to look at yourself.
2
SPEAKER_02
And that s why I say therapy, because that s when you re kind of like, okay, this is patterned behavior.
2
SPEAKER_02
And it is hard.
2
SPEAKER_02
I m not quite sure what her age was, but I do think
2
SPEAKER_01
Ninety-nine.
2
SPEAKER_01
Ninety-nine.
2
SPEAKER_02
You re good for her.
2
SPEAKER_02
You know what?
2
SPEAKER_02
Go for it.
2
SPEAKER_02
Lastly, what I would say about that is that, you know, you were saying, do you think that there s reciprocated kind of flirtation or charge there?
2
SPEAKER_02
And I just feel like probably there is.
2
SPEAKER_02
I don t know.
2
SPEAKER_02
I feel like those fires are often stoked by a little wind, you know?
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
Sometimes not.
2
SPEAKER_01
But oftentimes, yes.
2
SPEAKER_01
But I do think it s good to check out therapy for sure and find out what to do with these feelings.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I think somebody talking you through it.
2
SPEAKER_01
I mean, gosh, couldn t I say that at the end of each question?
2
SPEAKER_01
You need to talk to a therapist.
2
SPEAKER_02
No, this one particularly.
2
SPEAKER_02
This one is like, when it s like about the heart, the nuance of feelings, like you said, you re like, is this a pattern?
2
SPEAKER_02
Is this like a way that you get, is this how you are turning away from something that s really hard, which is staying within a committed relationship and enduring that path, but also reaping the rewards of how fruitful it can be, you know?
2
SPEAKER_01
All right, Molly, good luck.
2
SPEAKER_01
Lake, since this is a confession booth, should we assign penance to Molly?
2
SPEAKER_02
I mean, I m Jewish.
2
SPEAKER_02
So like, could you do that part?
2
SPEAKER_02
Could I do?
2
SPEAKER_02
Like you mean like give her, you re absolved?
2
SPEAKER_01
Molly, you re absolved.
2
SPEAKER_01
Lake, it s been a pleasure.
2
SPEAKER_01
I do love you.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I you, and do you have anything you would like to promote to the world?
2
SPEAKER_01
Inside Voice is a good hang.
2
SPEAKER_02
Get it on Audible, Libro, Apple Books, everywhere.
2
SPEAKER_02
I m very proud of it.
2
SPEAKER_01
Very proud of you, my friend.
2
SPEAKER_01
Thanks.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
I love you forever.
2
SPEAKER_02
And
2
SPEAKER_01
I love you forever and ever.
2
SPEAKER_01
Amen.
2
SPEAKER_01
Thank you so much.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I ll plan on seeing you soon.
2
SPEAKER_01
Okay, bye.
2
SPEAKER_01
Bye.
2
SPEAKER_01
Don t Ask Tig is hosted by me, Tig Notaro.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s produced by Thomas Lillette and Shana Deloria.
2
SPEAKER_01
Our executive producer and editor is Beth Perlman.
2
SPEAKER_01
Engineering and sound mixing by Alex Simpson.
2
SPEAKER_01
Digital production by James Napoli.
2
SPEAKER_01
Talent booking by Marianne Ways.
2
SPEAKER_01
Our theme music is Friend in Tig by Edie Brickell and Kyle Cresham.
2
SPEAKER_01
and Listen to Your Heart by Edie Brickell.
2
SPEAKER_01
Special thanks to Hunter Seidman.
2
SPEAKER_01
APM Studios executives in charge are Chandra Kavati, Alex Schaffert, and Joanne Griffith.
2
SPEAKER_01
Concept developed by Tracy Mumford.
2
SPEAKER_01
Our executive consultant is Dean Capello and Gobsmack Studios.
2
SPEAKER_01
You can always ask for advice at DontAskTig.org.
2
SPEAKER_01
Just write in with your problem or send us a voice memo.
2
SPEAKER_01
Remember to follow us on social media at DontAskTig.
2
SPEAKER_01
Don t Ask Tig is a production of American Public Media.
2
SPEAKER_01
And as always, thanks, Dana.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I ll tell Becky.
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Hi, I m stand-up comedian and sex symbol Tig Notaro.
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SPEAKER_01
And I m actor and writer Sheryl Hines.
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Before Sheryl and I got into the big business of podcasting together, we were just simply friends.
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SPEAKER_00
And we re still friends.
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But now we talk about a different documentary every week on our podcast, Tig and Sheryl, True Story.
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So whether you love documentaries or just want to hear us slowly lose our minds, check out Tig and Sheryl, True Story, wherever you get your podcasts.
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SPEAKER_01
Alright, cool.