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SPEAKER_05
 Bring a little optimism into your life with The Bright Side, a new kind of daily podcast from Hello Sunshine, hosted by me, Danielle Robay.
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And me, Simone Boyce.
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Every weekday, we're bringing you conversations about culture, the latest trends, inspiration, and so much more.
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I am so excited about this podcast, The Bright Side.
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You guys are giving people a chance to shine a light on their lives, shine a light on a little advice that they want to share.
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 Listen to The Bright Side on America's number one podcast network, iHeart.
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Open your free iHeart app and search The Bright Side.
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This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol.
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The joy they brought to the nation.
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You're free completely.
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No one is there to destroy you.
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The danger they endured.
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They said my head should be cut off.
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 I'm John Legend.
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Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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 Guess what, Will?
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What's up, Mango?
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I've been trying to write a promo for our podcast, Part-Time Genius, but even though we've done over 250 episodes, we don't really talk about murders or cults.
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I mean, we did just cover the Illuminati of cheese, so I feel like that makes us pretty edgy.
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We also solve mysteries like how Chinese is your Chinese food and how do dollar stores make money?
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And then, of course, can you game a dog show?
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So what you're saying is everyone should be listening.
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Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_01
 When we don't set down boundaries that are clear, people often violate them unknowingly.
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SPEAKER_01
If you say up front, I'm happy to help with this one project, but because of work and wanting to spend free time with my kids, that's as much as I can do in a year.
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I'll turn down any other requests, so if there's a specific project you want my help on more than others, please ask me about that one.
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Was that unkind?
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No.
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Was that aggressive?
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No.
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Was it assertive?
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Yes.
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 Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world.
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Thank you so much for being back here.
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And if this recording is not as beautiful as all of our other recordings, it's only because I'm traveling and I'm having to record this through my computer.
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So please bear with me.
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Today I'm going to be talking about the nine types of toxic people and five tools to create healthier boundaries.
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Now, I just want to start off by saying that there is no such thing as a toxic
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 person.
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There are toxic habits, there are toxic conditionings, there is toxic karma, there's toxic behavior, but a person is not inherently toxic.
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No one is toxic in their soul, no one is toxic in their being,
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 but we take on toxic behaviors, toxic conditioning, toxic habits in our life.
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And when we are going through our own transition, when we're going through our own purification, it is harder to be around those that are still practicing toxic habits.
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So that's what I mean by toxic people when we're referring to that.
0
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 Now, I want to give you an example.
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When I first got involved in spirituality after I met the monk, and I realized that I wanted to live a certain way.
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I wanted to live a life of service.
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I wanted to stop certain habits as well in my life.
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And I started to realize that I couldn't be around people who enjoyed those habits deeply.
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So if someone was completely immersed
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 in some of those habits that were no longer habits that I wanted to have, that's where I had to set a boundary.
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And it was tough because it wasn't that I didn't want to be around those people.
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It's that I didn't want to be around them when they were practicing that habit.
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This is a really key part of detachment and setting boundaries is people think setting a boundary is cutting someone out of your life, but setting a boundary doesn't mean you have to cut someone out of your life.
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It just means you cut out that part.
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 of their life that you don't want to be a part of.
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 Right?
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Think about that.
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Setting a boundary doesn't mean that you cut someone out of your life.
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It means you cut out the part of their life that affects you.
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Right?
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It's really, really important to remember that.
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Now, here's a shocking statistic.
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According to a 2019 survey from OnePoll and Evite of 2,000 people, the average American hasn't made one new real friend in the last five years.
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 We keep talking about the pandemic and how it's affected our friendships and our relationships, but even before that, five years, so many of you tell me you're feeling lonely or you're feeling like you're not part of a community where you feel you belong, or who say you struggle developing relationships.
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 And this is true.
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As we get older, it becomes more and more difficult to build meaningful, long-lasting relationships.
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And often our long-lasting relationships are no longer meaningful.
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They're not moving in the same direction as our life is today.
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How many of you have had that experience?
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 Isn't it fascinating that sometimes our long lasting relationships aren't meaningful, but we struggle as we get older to create those meaningful relationships.
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Now, most of those in the study said that two factors characterize a good friend, someone with whom you can have trust and honesty.
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How many of you can agree with that?
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What would be your two characteristics right now for a good friend?
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I'm pretty sure trust and honesty would be high up on the list.
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 The average person in the survey had 16 friends of different types.
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Three they would call friends for life, five people they like enough to spend time together one-on-one, and about eight people they like, but don't necessarily make a special effort to hang out with.
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Does that sound pretty equal to you?
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And that's the funny thing.
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Sometimes we're like, oh my gosh, I've only got a few friends, but that is actually reality.
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Most of us can count the amount of friends we have on our two hands.
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 Now, a different poll of adults 18 and older showed that 27% of them reported having no true close friends.
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Maybe we know people, perhaps even lots of them, yet we feel unloved or unseen for who we truly are.
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 I have one friend that I constantly, constantly am so grateful to have in my life because she's always reminding me of my worthiness.
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She's always reminding me of feeling seen.
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And those people, keep them close.
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I mean, it's so rare.
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One of the reasons for problems in our friendships and other relationships is poor boundaries.
0
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Today, we're talking about nine types of toxic people you meet and how to recognize their behavior and five tools to build better boundaries so you can create stronger, more authentic relationships.
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 Nine types of toxic people.
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Number one, there's a great quote whose origin is unknown that goes, some people create their own storms and then get mad when it rains.
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When I said that, did someone in your life come to mind?
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Perhaps someone in your present or your past from work or a family member or perhaps a friend.
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This is our first type of toxic person.
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 the catastrophizer.
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For the catastrophizer, everything is the end of the world, even the most minor inconvenience.
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They had to wait in a long line at the coffee shop, they got a flat tire, or they didn't get the assignment they wanted at work, and now their career is over.
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 In their mind, the catastrophizer lives on the edge of a cliff, and even the slightest wind can threaten to blow them over.
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They lack perspective, and if you try to gently help them reframe their situation and be more objective, they often resist your efforts to help.
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Now, the catastrophizer is usually that way because they weren't given much attention when things did go wrong.
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 So maybe in their past, when they had really difficult situations, when they had really difficult challenges, people didn't really take notice.
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They didn't really care.
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So now they try and use anything to get that attention.
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So while we're doing this podcast, I also want you to use these
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 examples as ways of creating more compassion and empathy.
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Often we have bitterness, resentment, or hatred towards toxic personality types or toxic behavior, but actually we want to have compassion and empathy because that's the truth, that people have been given so much pain and so much hurt that they are now responding in a way or reacting in a way that makes them come across as bitter and, you know, hurt.
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 Now, the second type of toxic behavior is the complainer.
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The complainer is never pleased with present circumstances and feels powerless to change them.
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If the sun's out, it's too hot.
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If it's cloudy, it's depressing.
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The food is always too salty or too spicy or too bland.
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There just seems to be no pleasing a complainer.
0
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 Think of the character Debbie Downer on Saturday Night Live, who always found a way to ruin the fun.
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When you come to the complainer with good news, like about getting the new job you wanted, they're quick to point out how hard it can be to adjust to a new workplace, or how you'll be leaving your old work friends behind.
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I remember when I first launched my first ever video.
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And my first ever video, I had about 250 subscribers.
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 And I then got to 500 and to 1,000 subscribers in about a month.
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And I was really pleased.
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I was really happy that people even cared about the stuff I cared about.
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And I remember my friend saying to me, Jay, this is probably the peak, right?
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This is probably the most you're going to be able to get.
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 And every time I would reach a new milestone, they would think it's the peak.
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And they would always try to remind me of that.
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Now, this habit, again, to create more compassion and empathy towards a complainer, we have to realize that for them, they might have had someone in their life who always pointed out the negative in their growth.
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 They might have been someone who's been surrounded by another complainer, and now complaining is contagious, and so they've taken on their habit.
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It might have been someone who is so scared of seeing the goodness in life.
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They're so fearful because they're just so against seeing things in a positive light.
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They've experienced a bit of pain or stress or pressure, and now they don't want to ever consider their life
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 could be anything but.
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The third type of toxic person is the critic.
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The critic is always criticizing other people, usually behind their backs.
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Did you hear about Alison, they say?
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I can't believe she and Danny are having another baby.
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How are they going to afford that?
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 What are they thinking?
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Or it can be more insidious and not quite as blatant.
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Things like, it's so good that you and Sasha worked out that issue around your vacation because you know how he holds a grudge when he doesn't get his way.
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To the critic, people who don't see the world exactly as they do are never right.
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 Now, critics are often created because they've been criticized themselves.
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A lot of these habits are so, so contagious.
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I talk about, in Think Like a Monk, my book, about a monk that I was so upset that he would always be critical of others.
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And guess what?
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I would then criticize him to others.
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The behavior that I didn't like in him is the behavior that I adopted from him in my resent for him.
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 It was incredible.
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That quality was like a mirror.
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I was almost mirroring his habit that I didn't like and didn't appreciate when I would talk about it.
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We get so consumed by it that we start to believe and we start to think that
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 We're doing something right by criticizing someone else who's doing something wrong.
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Actually, by criticizing them, we get dragged into the same space.
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The fourth type of toxic person is the curmudgeon.
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Curmudgeons are withholders.
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They're reluctant to give genuine support and to offer compliments.
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They may brush off your announcement of your engagement with a comment like, how much does that change things, really?
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You've already been living together for years.
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They are notorious downplayers.
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 Yeah, I did hear about Rhonda getting her piece published in the New Yorker.
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She must have had a connection there.
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They're always got that follow-up comment, right?
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They've always got that added piece of information to make something feel less worthy, right?
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They're always wondering, well, how did you pull that off?
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Maybe it's because of this.
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Maybe it's because of that.
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 And it's a really strange one because they lose out on the opportunity to grow because they always believe that some other people have got a benefit that they don't have.
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Now, how does one become like this?
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Often it comes from parents not complimenting them, parents not actually noticing the good in them.
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It can also be when someone has become envious
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 and not allowed to live to their full potential.
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Maybe they've been limited by other people, now they want to limit you.
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Please, please, please do not judge these people yourself.
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I've made that mistake so many times where I've judged people because of these habits, when I've actually realized that the answer is to be compassionate to them.
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 Because if you judge them, you'll judge yourself.
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But if you're compassionate to them, you will also be compassionate towards yourself when you're having that issue.
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Please, please, please understand this point that if you judge them for their mistakes, if you judge them for their habits and behavior, you will judge yourself and you will feel guilty and you will break yourself down.
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 The fifth type of toxic person is the opposite.
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They are the ceaseless celebrators.
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These people are always happy.
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And while there's nothing wrong with a positive and optimistic attitude, the difference with the ceaseless celebrator is that they push away negative emotions, refusing to acknowledge them.
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 I used to be one of these people probably about 10 years ago, 11 years ago, I was one of these people.
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Whenever someone was negative, I'd be like, Oh, there's nothing to be negative about in life.
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I wouldn't even explore my pain points.
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I wouldn't even explore any of my difficult emotions because I just believed that they were unworthy and useless.
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How can an emotion be useless?
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 How can it be useless to not understand an emotion?
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An emotion is information.
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An emotion is a signal.
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It isn't who you are and it isn't the end of the world, but it is a signal.
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It's like missing a phone call with some important information.
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 You can ignore or you can choose to ignore the phone call, but then you miss out on the insight.
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They're the person who offers Kleenex and says, don't cry or turn that frown upside down when someone else is upset.
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They cut off people's feelings and emotional experiences if they're not positive.
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Another tactic they use is diversion.
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When an uncomfortable feeling or subject comes up, they quickly change the topic to create a distraction.
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 Maybe you're standing around with some friendly coworkers, and someone asks how your partner who's recovering from chemotherapy is doing.
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When you try to respond, the ceaseless celebrator cuts you off.
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Hey, the falafel truck is here today.
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I'm obsessed with their fries.
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Let's go grab some lunch.
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Now, it sounds crazy, but you'll start to notice this, again, compassion.
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Compassion because this person doesn't have the emotional capacity
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 to look at their own challenges, to allow themselves to discover their own weakness.
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Maybe they've really been hurt in the past.
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Maybe they've been through something really traumatic and painful and no one's ever asked them about it.
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Or if they were asked about it, they thought that it would be considered weak if they shared it or expressed it so that they've hidden it the whole time.
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 Please feel compassion and empathy for this person.
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Do not judge them.
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The seventh type of toxic person is the consumer.
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The consumer can be notoriously hard to spot, and yet somehow after you interact with them, you feel terrible, like your energy or your positivity has been sapped.
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 You may be in a bad mood where you were in a good mood before.
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The consumer is also that person who has ongoing problems and asks for your advice, yet never takes it.
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You end up putting lots of time and energy into trying to be supportive, and it's energy wasted.
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Instead, they feed off this energy and the attention.
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Another thing the consumer can do is overtake.
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They feel free to ask for and take favors, help or support, but fail to give these things.
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 They may say things like, oh, I'd love to help, but I'm just so swamped right now.
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Or they say yes, but then pull out last minute.
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Of course, these things can happen in the normal course of a relationship, but the consumer behaves this way far more often than not.
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Now, the consumer often ends up like that because they've never been given any validation or any attention or any affection.
0
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 And now they look for it from everyone.
0
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They ask everyone, what should I be doing with my life?
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What do I need to do?
0
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And then they don't take the advice because they don't have the courage.
0
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They don't have the time to do that.
0
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But we've all experienced this before.
0
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When you find that bright spot to help you get through your day, it's powerful.
0
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That's where The Bright Side comes in.
0
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A new daily podcast from Hello Sunshine that's bringing you a daily dose of joy.
0
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 I'm Danielle Robay.
0
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And I'm Simone Boyce.
0
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Listen, both Danielle and I are reporters.
0
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We've covered the news and we know the world can feel heavy.
0
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But the Bright Side podcast is a space to have a little fun, to learn something new and get into some friendly debates.
0
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 That's right.
0
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Join us five days a week to see how life can look from the bright side.
0
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We'll hear from celebrities, authors, experts and listeners like you, whether it's relationships, friend advice or figuring out how to navigate life's transitions.
0
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We'll talk through it all together.
0
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Listen to the bright side from Hello Sunshine every weekday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
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 Guess what, Mango?
0
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What's that, Will?
0
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So iHeart is giving us a whole minute to promote our podcast, Part-Time Genius.
0
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I know.
0
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That's why I spent my whole week composing a haiku for the occasion.
0
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It's about my emotional journey in podcasting over the last seven years, and it's called Earthquake House.
0
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Mango, I'm going to cut you off right there.
0
SPEAKER_08
Why don't we just tell people about our show instead?
0
SPEAKER_08
Yeah, that's a better idea.
0
SPEAKER_08
 So every week on Part-Time Genius, we feed our curiosity by answering the world's most important questions.
0
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Things like, when did America start dialing 911?
0
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Is William Shatner's best acting work in Esperanto?
0
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Also, what happened to Esperanto?
0
SPEAKER_09
 Plus we cover questions like how Chinese is your Chinese food?
0
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How do dollar stores stay in business?
0
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And of course, is there an Illuminati of cheese?
0
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There absolutely is, and we are risking our lives by talking about it.
0
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But if you love mind-blowing facts, incredible history, and really bad jokes, make your brains happy and tune in to Part-Time Genius.
0
SPEAKER_09
Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_03
 Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt and we're the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_07
It's a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
0
SPEAKER_03
 like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
0
SPEAKER_07
We're back with season two of the podcast, which means more opportunities to glow up and become a more responsible and better adult, one life lesson at a time.
0
SPEAKER_03
And let me just tell you, this show is just as much for us as it is for you.
0
SPEAKER_03
So let's figure this stuff out together.
0
SPEAKER_03
This season, we're going to talk about whether or not we're financially and emotionally ready for dog ownership.
0
SPEAKER_07
 We're going to figure out the benefits of a high-yield savings account.
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And what exactly are the duties of being a member of the wedding party?
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All that plus so much more.
0
SPEAKER_03
Let's learn about all of it and then some.
0
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Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
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 The eighth type of toxic habit is the changer.
0
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The changer is a different person to practically everyone they talk to.
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Maybe you're talking politics and the changer supports everything you say, then you overhear them supporting someone who says the exact opposite.
0
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The changer feels hard to pin down.
0
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You feel like you never really get a sense of who they are, what they believe.
0
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 And the truth is they don't know.
0
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Compassion for the changer comes from the fact that they don't know who they are.
0
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They lost themselves.
0
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They're trying to figure it out and they just want to feel a sense of belonging.
0
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Maybe they haven't had a place that feels like home, a community that feels like home their whole life.
0
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And now they feel this great sense of loss and emptiness and they're seeking it wherever they go.
0
SPEAKER_01
 And the last type of toxic personality is the courtroom expert.
0
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No matter what you bring up with the courtroom expert, they have an opinion, and they're convinced they're right.
0
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Even if you don't want advice and just want to be heard, the courtroom expert can't help themselves.
0
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They're addicted to advice giving, and often they get angry and frustrated when you don't do as they advise.
0
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 I've been one of this too.
0
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This was probably like about 12, 13 years ago, where I thought my advice was the best advice in the world.
0
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And as time has gone on, I've just realized how wrong I was over and over and over again.
0
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And I just was constantly lost.
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 And I wasn't giving people the best advice, or I was giving people the best advice for me, not for them.
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And that's why I'm sharing all these personality types with you.
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As we've been going through this podcast, I hope you can think of people, but I hope you can see in yourself as well.
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And when you can see it in yourself, you can really, really start to increase that empathy.
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 And the more you notice this, the more you notice what triggers you, the more you're aware so that you can avoid having this negative feeling towards that person and create a distance to form respect.
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In our spiritual tradition, we would often say respect from a distance.
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You have to be really spiritually mature to respect someone from up close.
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Why?
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Because from up close, you see all of them.
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 Whereas respecting from a distance is something you practice, where at first you learn to respect someone by only seeing the good in them.
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Then as you get more aware of their challenges and their flaws, you can deal with that because you also see your challenges and your flaws.
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 An important thing to note is that most people aren't toxic 100% of the time.
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It doesn't mean they're bad people.
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Toxicity is a bad pattern, not a bad person.
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Remember that.
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Toxicity is a bad pattern, not a bad person.
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 Now, I want to share with you the different types of boundaries that you can create with people.
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This is fascinating for me because often when we think of boundary, we just think of distance or we just think of like, oh, well, I won't spend time with them.
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But when we talk about boundaries, there are many types.
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Here are some of them.
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Time is one type of boundary, probably the one we think of the most where we say, oh, well, I better spend less time with them or I don't want to see them this Saturday.
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 There's also financial boundary, right?
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How much we spend on that person, how much we spend when we go out with them, where we go out with them, what we consider our financial boundary with someone.
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Often, someone in our family can take advantage of us when we are overly giving financially.
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Physical boundaries exist.
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Emotional and mental boundaries exist.
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And legal and property boundaries exist.
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 someone puts an arm around you and you don't want to be touched, that's a physical boundary.
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If they borrow money and they don't pay you back, that's financial.
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Or if someone borrows a possession without asking, that's a property boundary.
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Now, notice how you can have a healthy relationship with someone with a healthy financial boundary.
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Because you have a financial boundary with someone doesn't mean you have a personal boundary with them.
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And just because you have a personal boundary with someone,
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 We don't have a financial or physical boundary with them.
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So we, again, create these binary views of people, like we're either friends with them or we're not because they made one mistake.
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But actually, you can have a healthy boundary with someone in just one area.
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You may have strong, healthy boundaries in some areas but feel more challenged in others.
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That's common.
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Or you may feel more challenged with certain people but not others.
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Like you may have an easier time laying down a time boundary with your kids.
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Be ready for school on time so I'm not also late for work.
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 You have a hard time telling your boss you can't work weekends because spending time with your family or just taking care of your health and recharging is a boundary for you.
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 When we think of boundaries, we often think of a solid line like a fence or a brick wall.
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That's actually one of the reasons people have trouble with boundaries.
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They hate the idea of fencing people out, especially when we want to feel more love and connection in our lives.
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We're often willing to extend ourselves and that's wonderful, but we don't want to extend ourselves beyond what's comfortable for us, beyond what we need to feel safe and respected and to create true bonds of trust and honesty.
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We don't want to overextend ourselves.
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 Instead of thinking about boundaries in a way that's black and white, they're there or they're not.
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Let's look at more scientific view.
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Think way back to cell biology and the types of cell membranes, which are organic cells boundaries.
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There are permeable in which lots of stuff can easily pass in and out.
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There are semi-permeable in which some things can pass in and out, but not others, or only under certain conditions.
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And there are impermeable, which are essentially sealed off.
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 If I were to ask you which type of boundaries you usually have, which would you say?
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Permeable, semi-permeable, or impermeable?
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Often it varies person by person or circumstance by circumstance, right?
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Think of when is a good time to have each of these boundaries.
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Parents of young kids have pretty permeable boundaries around how much sleep they get.
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That's not ideal, but they prioritize attending to their kids' needs, and they know it's for a relatively short amount of time, so they compromise.
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 For me, a semi-permeable boundary is playing tennis every morning.
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I really try to get my tennis in every single morning, but once in a while something comes up that just can't be scheduled at another time, and so I compromise.
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But I do that as little as possible.
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An impermeable boundary might be something like an absolute intolerance for racism, homophobia, or other types of discrimination.
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 As you can see, what boundaries we want to have and when are highly personal, even though on some of them, many of us would probably agree when it's important to draw a firm line.
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Now, before we look at how to create strong boundaries, let's look at five signs that your boundaries are being violated.
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 This is a first critical step to realizing where we need to put a boundary in place.
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Now, number one is you feel resentful.
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Either it's being tired of always being the one to pick up after the kids or to do the dishes, to always get stuck with the drudge tasks at work no one wants, or being asked to stay late yet again, you start to feel resentment.
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 Number two, in addition to resentment, you might feel anger, irritation, or frustration with others, with your job, with family, or in general.
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Number three, boundary violations can feel physical, headaches, anxiety, stomach aches, and digestive problems, problems sleeping.
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Often these are forgotten or ignored for quite a while.
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Number four, you can flat out start to avoid people who are violating your boundaries or with whom you have trouble holding a boundary.
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 Number five, and even less obvious sign that you have boundary challenges, is that your relationships frequently seem to end or become problematic or stressful, and you're just not sure why.
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These are all signs to look out for, because if you are experiencing any of these things, it just saves you and supports you from a lot of headache.
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 So let's talk about how to create better boundaries and honor the ones you put in place.
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Let's be honest, that's the hardest part, is really honoring them.
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And partly that's because we don't create them well either.
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So number one, clarity.
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There's a saying I love in this regard, clear is kind.
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When we don't set down boundaries that are clear and instead are murky or fuzzy,