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I was a girl who felt, in many ways, abandoned and rejected.
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But I do think there came a point where it was like, I have allowed shame to dictate most of my decisions.
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And why not try faith?
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I have the honor today of introducing Sarah Jakes Roberts.
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What a beautiful journey it s been.
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God gave me something that I want to share with you.
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That was OK for me.
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Can you make some noise for Jesus now?
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Power moves.
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Just because it had enough power to stop you in your past doesn t mean that it gets to keep that power.
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When you reclaim it, you can begin moving in the direction of transformation from the inside out.
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If you have normalized something that was traumatic, then you have become comfortable sleeping with the enemy.
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Wow.
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I need to know that you know what hurt you, what wounded you, what changed the way that you see the world.
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I want to help you clear your lens.
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Is it possible for us to be fully in our power if we don t forgive ourselves for our past?
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No.
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Because...
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Welcome back, everyone, to the School of Greatness.
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Very excited about our guest.
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We have the inspiring Sarah Jakes-Roberts in the house.
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So good to see you.
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Good to see you again.
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Thank you for having me back.
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Of course.
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I am so excited because since the last time you were on here, you have just continued to impact millions of lives around the world with your message, your voice, and your life.
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And so I m so grateful that you re back.
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Thank you for taking the time.
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You ve got a new book called Power Moves.
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Ignite your confidence and become a force
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And in my mind, you re really empowering people to become a force for good in their own corner of the world.
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And you start the book with one of my favorite quotes.
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I m going to just read it really quick from Marianne Williamson, who s been on the show.
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Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
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Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
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It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us the most.
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The quote goes on, but I m curious, why do you think people are afraid of the power within them?
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And people are afraid of the power within them because if we really step into the fullness of our power and we can t maintain it or it s exhausting and stressful or we disappoint people, it would be so much easier to just set a low bar of expectation.
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But when we step in the fullness of our power, I have discovered that it s not pressure performance or perfection at all.
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It s simply authenticity.
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That is the most powerful gift that you can give to the world.
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Wow.
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But how do you, how do you navigate your own power personally within your current corner of the world, your house, your relationships with your kids, but also with an online platform and then a platform of a communities that come to watch you live speak and at your events, how do you manage the power of all of it?
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And okay, so if you just want that to carry us through the rest of the interview, that s fine, because that s going to take a minute.
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It really is my authenticity.
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I am not any different when I am at home versus like when I m speaking.
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So I speak with that much passion at home as on stage.
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Yes, but just not that much volume.
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Oh, interesting.
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That s cool.
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You know, I am sincerely sharing whatever is on my heart in any given moment.
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And so that s part of the reason why I wrote the book is because I would get finished speaking and people were like, that was so powerful.
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You re such a powerhouse.
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They kept using this word power, power, power.
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And I was like, I don t necessarily go throughout the day thinking I m so powerful.
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I m such a powerhouse.
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What s happening in that moment?
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And the more I started just thinking about who I am in that moment, I realized that those moments when I speak is really just the overflow of the way that I flow in power throughout my week.
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And so when I am studying for a message, I m doing it with sincerity.
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I m doing it with a real hunger.
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And then that just overflows into the moment.
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So I m not thinking to myself, how can I be powerful?
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How can I say something powerful?
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It s simply how can I be honest about where I am, what I know, what I m learning that can help someone else.
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And as simple and straightforward as it is, for some reason, that has turned into this powerhouse
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example of a person when I am speaking and so I wanted to demystify that there really is no secret to what s happening.
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I m just doing it with sincerity and authenticity.
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When do you feel the most powerless?
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When people say things on social media that I can t respond to.
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That I tell myself I can t respond to.
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Why do you tell yourself you can t respond to it?
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because I do not want to give attention to negativity.
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You don t want to give it power.
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I don t want to give it any more power.
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And I also recognize that whenever something has bothered me, something that someone has said that s negative, the reason why it bothers me is because it echoes an insecurity that already exists in me.
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And so if I am at war with them, instead of untangling my own mess, I miss the opportunity to grow.
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So if it burns, if it stings, if it gets on my nerves and under my skin, it s because it was already under my skin and they just watered it.
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And so I try to get in within and say like, well, what about this really bothered you?
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Are you afraid that you aren t good enough?
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Are you afraid that your delivery really is X, Y, and Z?
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Why did this bother you?
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And I tried to extract what s actually happening.
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What was the thing maybe five, seven, 10 years ago that used to bother you the most that would get under your skin?
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Whether it was someone saying something online or just in person that you learn to overcome or have a better management of.
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And how did you learn to navigate that insecurity so that it didn t hurt you as much or make you feel as triggered?
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Let me see I do want to say I get it out there I have a community of people who I call the delegation and they ve shown me a lot of love on social media.
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So Usually if something really gets under my skin, they re fighting the battles for me.
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That s nice, but probably that I m only
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in a position of influence because of who my dad is.
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Oh, okay.
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That would frustrate you.
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That would frustrate me because I have lived most of my life in his shadows.
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And it, I think, also takes away from the genuine...
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posture required for me to receive the messages that I receive and to do the work to make sure that I m being a good steward over the influence and responsibility God has given me.
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So I feel like it can be discrediting when people just chop up everything that I ve gone through or everything that has happened for me as a result of just being my dad s daughter.
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Interesting.
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So how did you learn to navigate that, I guess,
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critique or insecurity or frustration.
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I think I ve accepted that a lot of that is true.
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Not a lot of it, but a portion of it.
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Sure.
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I mean, nobody works hard for their children to start from ground zero.
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And my need to have a certain level of autonomy, and I built this on my own and no one did it, is rooted in pride.
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And so I can appreciate that my father has opened a lot of doors for me, that he s paved a lot of this road for me, but he s also not the vehicle keeping me on the road.
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And at a certain point, it s my work ethic and my passion that has to take over.
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A parent can only do so much before grace takes over and work ethic takes over.
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And I believe that that s where I m living now.
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Yeah, and if you re not continually showing up every single day the way you do, then none of this would happen.
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Absolutely.
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They can get you in the door, baby, but you ve got to be consistent for the last decade.
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You ve got to stay in the room.
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That s interesting.
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When did you, when did that switch start to happen for you where you said, okay, I can accept this critique or criticism or whatever it might be.
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I can accept it and not let it bother me.
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Like, was there a day, a moment where you were able to switch off that frustration and say, okay, you re right that he opened the door, but now I m driving the car.
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I think it happened over time.
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Yeah.
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It wasn t one particular moment, but probably a series of them coming together where I was like, I have to find, I have to come to a place where this doesn t shake me anymore.
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And so like, what can I build with that will allow me to not be shaken in this area anymore?
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I don t want it to be pride.
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I don t want it to be ego.
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I don t want it to be anger.
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Like, it s got to be something that holds the tension of two realities.
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And this is the reality.
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I don t want to be resentful that I m T.D.
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Jake s daughter.
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Like, I don t want to live with this idea, like, I wish I would have X, Y, and Z. And so I needed to hold space for those tensions.
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And I reject anything that requires me to peel apart pieces of my identity.
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And in order for me to hold all of who I am in one space, I have to accept, like, I am T.D.
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Jake s daughter, and there are privileges.
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and opportunities that have been afforded to me as a result of that.
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I am also someone who has worked very hard, who gives everything that I have to whatever is in front of me.
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And so those two things can exist in the same space.
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I don t need to reject one and stand on the other.
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That s interesting.
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Do you think sometimes we sabotage, if someone has been given an open door, let s say, do you think sometimes we sabotage ourselves to stepping into it and being as successful and as powerful as we can be?
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Or do most people just take it and run with it?
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Everyone s different.
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Everyone s different.
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It s almost like this guilt of like, oh, I ve got this opportunity, like I should sabotage or take advantage of it.
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I think that most people want to do well when given an opportunity, but they don t always trust that they can deliver on the level of the opportunity.
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The expectation maybe?
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Yeah.
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Interesting.
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And so I do think you have two groups of people, those who like try and over deliver
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to the extent that they burn themselves out and maybe fake it until you make it.
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And then you have people who don t want to live with that type of pressure at all.
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And I think ideally, we would be somewhere in between where we re like, I m going to move into this opportunity and I m going to trust that because this opportunity is in front of me, that this opportunity requires who I am in this moment.
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So I can t pretend to be someone else.
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And I can t pretend that opportunities aren t just falling in our laps.
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You knew some of the right people.
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You knew some of the right skill set.
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Like there is something about who you are that created this opportunity that you re about to step into.
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Don t worry about what you don t know.
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You ll learn along the way.
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Keep your heart open so that you can receive the lessons connected with the opportunity, but also own the fact that this opportunity has crossed my path because I m on this road that allowed it to happen.
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Was there ever a moment where you felt like you were not being yourself or living up to a different expectation or trying to be someone else in order to own this power?
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Okay, no, but this, I want to, cause this, that s, it sounds so corny and arrogant to say this, but let me tell you why, because I never really wanted to be a speaker.
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I never really wanted this influence and stuff.
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I feel like I made God like here, here s my concession.
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All right.
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I will do this.
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I will go where you tell me to go.
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I will say whatever you tell me to say.
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I will bring my best to every opportunity, but please don t let me have to pretend to do it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Really?
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Yeah.
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When was this?
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How long ago?
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I will say about nine, eight to nine years ago.
1
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Okay.
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As you started getting more requests to speak.
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Sure.
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I was like, yeah.
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You were resisting it.
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Yeah.
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So I started just, I was just sharing my story about being a teen mom and
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figuring out what grace means and be living in this spotlight, making all these mistakes.
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And then people started asking me to speak outside of just my story.
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And I was like, that sounds a little bit more like preaching, pastoring.
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That s not my thing.
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I can t really do that.
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But people were like, hey, we re not asking you to be anything other than yourself, just come and do it.
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And then I would speak and people would be like, oh my gosh, I understand God differently now, or I believe that there s a chance for me to walk out my life and experience love.
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And with those types of results, it s hard to put my desire to rather just be in the background in front of that.
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And so I m like, I will do it.
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For the sake of whoever s on the other side, for someone who may be like me and feel like I don t really fit, it doesn t really make sense, is there really space for me?
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I will do it for them, but I can only do it as me.
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I m only effective if I show up as myself, and I have to be free enough to do that.
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And so even when I get nervous and I m speaking in new spaces, like,
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Maybe it s a corporation.
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Maybe it s a different type of church.
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Maybe it s a university.
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And I ll start getting nervous and anxious.
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Like anyone who s ever heard me speak, you ll hear me pray.
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I m like, no fears, no nerves, no anxiety.
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You still get anxious and nervous?
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Yes.
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Really?
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Yeah.
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Why do you think, not that this is a good or bad right or wrong, but why do you think that happens for you?
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Well, I am naturally introverted.
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I internalize.
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I keep things to myself.
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It takes a lot for me to speak up and use my voice.
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And so in those moments, I m going to have to think out loud in front of people.
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And then I m criticizing myself while I m speaking.
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I m like, girl, that didn t make any sense.
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You said that wrong.
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You should have studied to make sure you re pronouncing these words properly.
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You don t say that publicly.
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In my head, I m thinking all of these things like, oh my gosh, did I check this?
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There have been moments.
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There have been moments.
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She ll second guess yourself while you re speaking.
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For sure, because I don t mind speaking, but I would like to think about what I m going to say before I actually say it.
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But there is a freedom required to step into certain moments where you can t be in your head and be in the moment at the same time.
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So I have to say, you know what?
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I m going to let myself go.
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And if I say something wrong or I make a mistake, I m going to be willing to apologize.
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I m only human.
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But I have to be free in order to be a channel, a vessel.
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And I can t block my own flow.
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by being in my head about it.
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So, I do get nerves and anxiety, but I, like, lay them, I surrender to whatever the moment requires.
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Really?
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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How, I guess, when you re about to go on stage and speak anywhere, you know, church or a corporate event or something, when do you start to feel nerves?
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Like, an hour before, the day before, ten minutes before, like, right when you get on stage, when do they start to... Okay, here s my process.
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Yeah, yeah.
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So, I say, yes, I m gonna do it.
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And then I instantly regret it.
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Then right then when I m like, yes, and they re like, great, I m like, oh, gosh.
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So right there in that moment, then I start studying.
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I m like, you know what?
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I ve got something to say.
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I can really help these people.
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This is going to bless somebody.
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This is going to be amazing.
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And then when it s time for me to actually do it, like the notes don t make sense.
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That courage I had is gone.
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And then that s when I m like, you need to take a deep breath, center yourself, regroup.
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You got this.
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That s like right before you re on stage?
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Right before.
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Okay.
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So you regret it right away.
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Absolutely.
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Like months before, right?
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SPEAKER_00
Yes.
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And then you start to prepare the week before, whatever it might be, and get ready, and then an hour before you re like... I ll get those out the window.
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SPEAKER_01
Wow.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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It s interesting.
1
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I used to... But it sounds like, you know, the week before, you re in service mode.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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You re preparing.
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You ve got your cards.
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You re thinking about it.
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You re in service.
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How can I bless them?
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Yeah.
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And I used to be so nervous before I got on stage, even though I was doing it all the time, I would still get anxiety, like the warning of.
1
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And I called my coach one time and I was like, why do I still get nervous?
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I m like getting paid to do this well.
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I m getting, you know, I m speaking in big places.
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And he said, cause you re still thinking about yourself.
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Oh my god, someone told me the same thing.
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And he said, you need to know that you re going to forget the thing you wanted to say.
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You re going to forget that joke.
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You re going to forget the point.
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And just be of service.
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Even if it s to one human in that audience, just think about serving them and get out of yourself.
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And I started doing that more.
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I still get a little nervous, but it s way better.
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Yeah.
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Just thinking of, OK, I m here to serve.
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I m here to serve.
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SPEAKER_01
And it sounds like you do that leading up to it.
1
SPEAKER_00
I, yeah, no, when I get stopped making it about me and I can only make it about the people in the room, then that helps me a lot.
1
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
1
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Yeah.
1
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That s beautiful.
1
SPEAKER_01
Did you have any, obviously you grew up watching your dad, but do you have any formal training of like presenting on stage or speaking or did you practice it a lot growing up or is it more just observing and then learning on the go?
1
SPEAKER_00
It s learning on the go.
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It s learning on the go.
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You re so talented.
1
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It s amazing.
1
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Thank you.
1
SPEAKER_00
Thank you.
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Yeah, it s definitely learning on the go.
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My husband sometimes will be in the corner, he ll be like nodding his head at me, like, breathe.
1
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But yeah, I would not say that I, I mean, I guess I m naturally a speaker, but I also don t feel like I m naturally a speaker.
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But when I have something to say, I can say it with conviction and certainty.
1
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But if you just hand me the microphone and just tell me to start speaking, I need to say a quick prayer before I open my mouth, because I don t keep something ready to go.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s good, so you re very intentional.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, yeah.
1
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Take a moment to be intentional and let something come to you as opposed to just, I got it all figured out right away.
1
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For sure.
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And I think a lot of people, when they don t have the answers, or when they re asked a question, they ll just respond, even if they don t have the answer.
1
SPEAKER_01
But you re willing to take a beat and be still before you speak, which I think is really powerful.
1
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Yeah.
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Speaking of power, just taking a moment, like risking
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Having an awkward silence.
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Yeah.
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And risking people being like, oh, what s happening?
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And you being in that moment, I think it s very powerful.
1
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I really do feel like there s a flow.
1
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There s a pocket that you have to be in if you really want to connect with people.
1
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And you can t get in that pocket if you are not connected with yourself.
1
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And to me,
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SPEAKER_00
make it about performance or to make it about ego or, you know, I ve got to pull clips or what if I fought like all of these random things that can come like you ve got to be connected with the message of the moment.
2
SPEAKER_00
And when you find that message to dare to stand in it, even if it means abandoning your notes, even if it means having to wait for it to make sense to get the language right, you ve got to trust that pocket.
2
SPEAKER_00
And when you get in that pocket to really live in its fullness is, I think, the greatest gift that you can give someone who is investing their time and their attention in a world that s vying for their time and attention.
2
SPEAKER_00
The least you can do is make sure that what you re saying is pure and life-changing.
2
SPEAKER_01
How do you stay in the pocket of power and not be in performance or ego when you know people are gonna be watching this live, when you re speaking on stage, you know that part of the things that have gotten you to this place are clips online that go viral that are inspiring to people.
2
SPEAKER_01
How do you let go of all that and just be present in your power?
2
SPEAKER_00
I just remind myself that I am a person, I m not a figure.
2
SPEAKER_00
So like, no matter how many people are following me on social media, no matter how often those clips go viral, at the end of the day, I m a person.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I try to not let popularity rob me of my humanity.
2
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
2
SPEAKER_00
and I gotta really allow myself to be human.
2
SPEAKER_00
So even me praying publicly where everyone can hear no nerves, no fear, no anxiety, like that is to remind my ground myself in the reality that I do have fears, I do have anxiety, and they could hijack this moment.
2
SPEAKER_00
And so I am making sure that I m coming into a space where I m grounded enough to just be human.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I like to believe
2
SPEAKER_00
That part of the reason why so many people have gravitated towards my messages and my voice is because I m one of those people who are like, I am just up here being human.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like, I was speaking at my father s church in June of last year, and as I was speaking, my wig starts slipping.
2
SPEAKER_00
Little ass.
2
SPEAKER_01
Little ass.
2
SPEAKER_01
What happened?
2
SPEAKER_00
It was not, it was not secured properly.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I was, I remember speaking and I m kind of pacing the floor and I m, I m in this zone, I m in this pocket.
2
SPEAKER_00
And like, well, you know, I m not thinking about anything else.
2
SPEAKER_00
No, this is black church though.
2
SPEAKER_00
So like people are standing, they re talking, their hands are up.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I saw this one woman and she was like this.
2
SPEAKER_01
No way.
2
SPEAKER_00
I was like, she like tugs on her.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I was like, that s an interesting praise.
2
SPEAKER_00
I ve never seen that before.
2
SPEAKER_00
I moved to the other side of the room.
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SPEAKER_01
And then someone else was like, come on.
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SPEAKER_00
And then I was like, is my wig?
2
SPEAKER_00
And they were like, yes, give it a touch.
2
SPEAKER_00
But I realized that because of the hairstyle it was in, it wasn t going to stay on.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I was like, I m going to take it off.
2
SPEAKER_01
Come on.
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SPEAKER_00
I m going to take it off.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m going to take it off because I still have things to say.
2
SPEAKER_00
I wasn t even like fully finished with my message.
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SPEAKER_00
I still have things to say.
2
SPEAKER_00
And so I take this wig off and now here I am with a wig cap on.
2
SPEAKER_01
How many people are here watching?
2
SPEAKER_00
There s probably 6,000 people in the room and 70,000 people watching online.
2
SPEAKER_00
And here I am in my wig cap.
2
SPEAKER_00
continuing to preach this message.
2
SPEAKER_00
And now when I was behind the scenes, I like turned into a puddle, like what just happened?
2
SPEAKER_00
I am so embarrassed.
2
SPEAKER_00
But in the moment, all that mattered was me continuing what I had to say.
2
SPEAKER_00
But there were so many people who came up to me afterwards and they were like, oh my gosh, when you did that, like I felt freedom.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like I felt like I could lock in, like I could focus, like it doesn t matter how I show up.
2
SPEAKER_00
All that matters is like who I am in any given moment.
2
SPEAKER_00
And so now this thing,
2
SPEAKER_00
that I thought is like, this is gonna go viral, I m gonna be the laughing stock of whoever and whatever, there are women who are like, oh my gosh, when you did that, it s like I felt shame get pulled out of my body.
2
SPEAKER_01
That is power.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
When you can step into like your most, I guess, you re not your most, it s a vulnerable moment, and a vulnerable moment for you, but still,
2
SPEAKER_01
Own yourself, own your message, own your voice, and be of service.
2
SPEAKER_01
That is powerful and beautiful.
2
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
2
SPEAKER_00
Thank you.
2
SPEAKER_00
When it was over, I was like, wow.
2
SPEAKER_00
But I just wanted to be real.
2
SPEAKER_00
in the moment, and I didn t, I couldn t let something like that keep me from continuing on.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I wasn t trying to be anybody s hero when I did it.
2
SPEAKER_00
I was just trying to make sure that I maintained my responsibility, but I didn t know in doing that that it would have meant something to so many people.
2
SPEAKER_00
And that s why, like, what has blown my mind about power is that we think that, like, I need to take all of these classes, I need to do all of this finessing, I need to do all of these rubbing the shoulders and everything that people have
2
SPEAKER_00
said was powerful about me just came from authenticity and owning every part of who I am, whether it was the parts that were inspiring or the parts that were cringeworthy, recognizing that they could all live in the same space.
2
SPEAKER_01
See, for me, this is empowering and inspiring, but I could assume there might be a few people watching or listening saying, well, you know what?
2
SPEAKER_01
It s Sarah Jakes Roberts.
2
SPEAKER_01
She can do whatever she wants.
2
SPEAKER_01
Her dress can malfunction.
2
SPEAKER_01
She can take her wig off.
2
SPEAKER_01
She can, whatever, stumble around and do something.
2
SPEAKER_01
She can fall down and get back up on stage.
2
SPEAKER_01
But she s so powerful.
2
SPEAKER_01
She s so worthy that it doesn t matter.
2
SPEAKER_01
It doesn t affect her.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I m curious, for someone that thinks that they ve never been enough, that they don t believe they re enough, or they don t believe they re worthy or deserving of their own power, what are three things that you think, maybe from your book, Power Moves, that they could start to apply today to feel more enough and more powerful?
2
SPEAKER_00
So I ve spent almost as much time feeling like I was powerless than I have flowing in this level of power.
2
SPEAKER_00
Really?
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I will say that part of the reason why so many of us end up feeling powerless is because we have not fully sized up our opponent.
2
SPEAKER_00
So if you have fear, if you have shame, if you have doubt and you have worry, we say these words so casually and so frequently that they have become normalized.
2
SPEAKER_00
The only problem with normalizing our insecurities, our fears, the abandonment, the rejection issues is that they don t really have the same level of power that they need to have in order for us to overcome it.
2
SPEAKER_00
And by that I mean,
2
SPEAKER_00
Fear is powerful.
2
SPEAKER_00
Shame is powerful.
2
SPEAKER_00
Our doubt is powerful.
2
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It s powerful enough to keep you stuck in relationships.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s powerful enough to keep you alone, to keep you from pursuing your purpose and a business deal, whatever.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s got power too.
2
SPEAKER_00
And if you re going to have power, you got to have the right target.
2
SPEAKER_00
And instead of trying to target something that s going to make you feel better about those things, we have to face off with the fear.
2
SPEAKER_00
We have to face off with the doubt and with the shame.
2
SPEAKER_00
We ve got to look that thing in the eye and say, at the end of the day, I no longer want to be controlled by you any longer.
2
SPEAKER_00
You ve had my name for far too long.
2
SPEAKER_00
You ve dictated my destiny for far too long.
2
SPEAKER_00
I want to be better.
2
SPEAKER_00
than who fear says I am.
2
SPEAKER_00
I want to be better than what shame says that I am.
2
SPEAKER_00
And in order to direct our power in the right direction, we got to know who our opponent is.
2
SPEAKER_00
And so I would say to anyone who believes that I don t have what it takes or I don t have enough worth, that as long as you believe that, it is true.
2
SPEAKER_00
What we need to be saying instead is that I need enough power to finally get out of this pattern of thinking that has kept me stuck
2
SPEAKER_00
that has kept me feeling defeated, and that is a stronger belief.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I believe that anyone who s going to introduce a stronger belief has to be able to say, I am this and that.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like, I may be a teen mom, but I m still a girl who has dreams.
2
SPEAKER_00
I may have come from a broken home, but I still want to pursue this.
2
SPEAKER_00
I do not want these statistics to end up defining who I am for the rest of my life.
2
SPEAKER_00
And so just because I m this doesn t mean that I won t be that either.
2
SPEAKER_00
And so being able to live in this duality so that fear doesn t convince us that who we were yesterday defines who we re going to be tomorrow.
2
SPEAKER_01
So identifying it first, facing it.
2
SPEAKER_00
This thing has real power, it has enough power to keep me from moving, enough power to keep me from growing.
2
SPEAKER_00
Now that I have identified that it actually has power, I want to talk about how I want to extract the power, reclaim the power that fear has, that shame has, and point it in a direction.
2
SPEAKER_00
that will allow me to experience wholeness and joy and peace and confidence.
2
SPEAKER_00
Power Moves is all about really reclaiming power from fear, from our shame, from our past, and recognizing that power moves.
2
SPEAKER_00
Just because it had enough power to stop you in your past doesn t mean that it gets to keep that power.
2
SPEAKER_00
When you reclaim it, you can begin moving in the direction of transformation
2
SPEAKER_00
from the inside out, not just because I want to get a new job or I want to build something on the outside.
2
SPEAKER_00
When power moves in you, then power can move through you.
3
SPEAKER_01
Wow, okay, I love this.
3
SPEAKER_01
So when you identify it and you face it, as opposed to, I guess, running away from it or just allowing it to consume you, what would be the next step?
3
SPEAKER_01
How do we move that power into a direction that supports and serves and empowers us?
3
SPEAKER_00
I love that you asked this, because then we need to study, how does this show up in my life?
3
SPEAKER_00
So I, in my intimate relationships, I would never speak up.
3
SPEAKER_00
So if someone projected something onto me and said, oh, you know, Sarah doesn t want to do this, or hey, we re going to do this, I would never use my voice, even if I disagreed.
3
SPEAKER_00
I would just go with the flow.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t want to be a disruptor.
3
SPEAKER_00
I didn t want to detract from anyone.
3
SPEAKER_00
even if it was a major decision.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so I recognized that the power of fear was showing up and keeping me from actually using my voice.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so I have identified it.
3
SPEAKER_00
Now I ve seen how it shows up in my life.
3
SPEAKER_00
To go to the end of the day and to reconcile,
3
SPEAKER_00
How did the power of fear, the power of shame show up?
3
SPEAKER_00
It determined what I put on, it determined whether or not I spoke up in the meeting, it made me shut down, I got angry, like how did this show up in my life and what do I wish I would have done instead?
3
SPEAKER_00
What would have been the power move that I did instead?
3
SPEAKER_00
And the beautiful thing about this is when you re reconciling it within yourself, you can say whatever you want to say to yourself.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like, you may not, this may not be what I would have said in the meeting.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like, I wish I d have told her to shut up.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s like, that may not be.
3
SPEAKER_00
what you say in the meeting but start practicing what it feels like to use your voice to show up in power to do the opposite of what fear and anxiety and doubt do the opposite of that even if you re only doing it within yourself because you have to exercise using your own power within because the next time there s a moment like this you get to capture and say wait a minute this is a moment where I get to choose to have faith or I get to choose to have fear
3
SPEAKER_00
And because I ve already practiced how I want to show up in this space, this may be the moment where I dip my toe in the water and begin to show up.
3
SPEAKER_01
Pick up a little bit or hit a boundary or say, no, that doesn t work for me right now.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, let me think about that.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
As opposed to just going along with what you would always, your past identity would always do, I guess.
3
SPEAKER_01
For sure.
3
SPEAKER_01
So it s almost like create a rehearsal and practice with yourself first.
3
SPEAKER_01
Once you identify and you re aware of it, I m hearing you say like,
3
SPEAKER_01
How would you reflect on something you would have done earlier that day that you wish you had the power to do?
3
SPEAKER_00
Exactly.
3
SPEAKER_01
And start practicing it on your own.
3
SPEAKER_00
So at the end of each chapter, we literally have this like marinate, activate prayer.
3
SPEAKER_00
So it s like these three sections where it s like let s marinate on how you would have wanted to do something differently.
3
SPEAKER_00
and then let s activate it.
3
SPEAKER_00
The next time you re doing X, Y, and Z, try and show up in a way that allows power to move through you.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then a prayer to help you in those moments because it does create, change is not always easy even when we know it needs to be implemented.
3
SPEAKER_01
That s true.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s just not.
3
SPEAKER_01
What s the biggest power move you need to make in your life right now?
3
SPEAKER_01
The biggest change that s on your heart or mind or in your world that you know you re still
3
SPEAKER_00
Marinating.
3
SPEAKER_00
Marinating and need to activate and... I am still... probably really... I have to, you know, because we are on a podcast where people hear things.
3
SPEAKER_00
I am needing to be more intentional about owning my voice as an entrepreneur.
3
SPEAKER_01
Are you not being authentic in certain areas or you re not?
3
SPEAKER_00
It s hard to say that I m not being authentic because I
3
SPEAKER_00
don t fully... I don t know that I have fully owned the fact that there are a lot of things that I have like stumbled into.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then there are many things that I had to really be strategic about.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, making specific hiring choices, making sure that our brand has a certain feel, touch, and consistency.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I ve done that with intention.
3
SPEAKER_00
But because I act like everything just happened by accident, it s keeping me from really understanding how to serve other people and giving these tools away, and to really empower my team to own what they know as well.
3
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
3
SPEAKER_01
So that s what you re working on.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s what I m working on.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I know that my fear in working on that, the reason why I haven t, is because I don t want to come off as an expert when I am still learning.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so I would rather just be like, I m still learning, than to own what I know thus far and allow that to be used for whoever needs it where they are.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
Interesting.
3
SPEAKER_01
But you weren t an expert when you started speaking on stage either, were you?
3
SPEAKER_01
I was not.
3
SPEAKER_01
Did it stop you from putting yourself out there?
3
SPEAKER_01
It did not, but... Sharing a message, you know, authentically and imperfectly.
3
SPEAKER_01
And it served and moved people.
3
SPEAKER_00
Something to think about.
3
SPEAKER_00
I see what you did there.
3
SPEAKER_01
A little sprinkle.
3
SPEAKER_01
What is the prayer you need to hear right now for yourself?
3
SPEAKER_00
You re called to this.
3
SPEAKER_00
You re called to do this as you are.
3
SPEAKER_00
to just keep it pure.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think that the hard thing about success, which feels like a very cringy word, is that people begin to impose their strategies onto you.
3
SPEAKER_00
And when those strategies and ideas about who you could be and what you could do and this could happen for you,
3
SPEAKER_00
It can make you hungry for something that you never even had an appetite for.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so protecting my appetite so that I can continue to just focus on what God has put in my heart is my greatest responsibility.
3
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yes, it s interesting.
3
SPEAKER_01
I just wrote down kind of what you were sharing there.
3
SPEAKER_01
I put calling on top and then success versus service.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
And, you know, it sounded like you started sharing your story to be of service to people that were asking, hey, share your story.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
And you realize, oh, this was helping individuals, you know, a handful of people and then hundreds and thousands and millions.
3
SPEAKER_01
And you gain success as well through that process of just sharing your story and being of service.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then it sounds like it s moved you into a calling.
3
SPEAKER_01
That s what it s sounding like, right?
3
SPEAKER_01
How do we learn how to know when we re going after success versus service?
3
SPEAKER_01
And how do we know, well, this is an amazing opportunity and here s this cool thing I could do with this person and this experience and here s a lot of money over here and this project and this deal.
3
SPEAKER_01
How do we know when we re taking on success and it is truly service versus success by itself?
3
SPEAKER_00
I think the line is so thin.
3
SPEAKER_00
that the only way you learn it is by trial and error, unfortunately.
3
SPEAKER_00
But I think some of the qualifying questions I ask myself is what s driving your desire to do this?
3
SPEAKER_00
and being real enough to know when it s ego, being real enough to know when it s wanting to seek approval from certain industries or certain people versus, even with this book launch, like you ve written a book before, so everybody s like, you gotta hit the list, you gotta hit the list, you need X amount of numbers to hit the list, hit the list, hit the list, but like when I wrote this book,
3
SPEAKER_00
I wasn t thinking about how do I write a New York Times bestselling book.
3
SPEAKER_00
I wrote this book because I was completely consumed with this idea of what it means to have power and who holds it and who doesn t and why do we believe that it s only reserved for a few.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like I wanted to explore this idea of power and I did that.
3
SPEAKER_00
which means that this book has already been successful in the way that it was meant to be successful for me.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so for me to get to this point and then for it to become about, okay, but if you don t hit the list, it wasn t successful, is robbing me of the obedience that started the book in the first place.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so I m going to do everything I can to make sure that people hear about the message, but I m not going to put the success of the book on whether or not it makes it into a list.
3
SPEAKER_01
How does someone learn how to do that though, when there s so much pressure from, you know, their survival, making money, their approval, the pressures of a publisher, potentially telling you, you need to do this for your community, letting people down.
3
SPEAKER_01
How does someone let go of the need for something to be successful and be an obedient servant to their calling and message instead?
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, in a material world when we got to survive and numbers matter and all of that matters I think defining what success is for yourself first because if you don t have a definition of what success is
4
SPEAKER_00
That s part of even in the book, like I have to define what power is for me as a person.
4
SPEAKER_00
Because if I do not have my own definition, I will be stretching and reaching for someone else s definition of power.
4
SPEAKER_00
And so I ve got to know what it is for myself.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then I also need to know what is everyone else s definition of success or power in my world.
4
SPEAKER_00
whether it is what it, like my husband and I, perfect example, my definition of what it meant to be a good wife was like, dinner s on the table at six, you know, the house is completely clean.
4
SPEAKER_00
Like you wake up and the house is clean.
4
SPEAKER_00
You make sure that before you go to bed, you look a certain way.
4
SPEAKER_00
Like I had all of these different ideas of what it meant to be a good wife.
4
SPEAKER_00
I never stopped to ask the person I m actually marrying, like, what is your definition of a good wife?
4
SPEAKER_00
Not societies, not what I ve seen on sitcoms.
4
SPEAKER_00
What does it mean to be Trey s wife?
4
SPEAKER_00
Because I want to be successful and powerful at being your wife.
4
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
4
SPEAKER_01
What did he say?
4
SPEAKER_00
He doesn t care about dinner being on the table at six.
4
SPEAKER_00
He s not nearly as obsessed with cleaning.
4
SPEAKER_00
He wants honesty.
4
SPEAKER_00
He wants communication.
4
SPEAKER_00
He wants loyalty.
4
SPEAKER_00
He wants joy.
4
SPEAKER_00
He wants peace.
4
SPEAKER_00
I would be up making sure the room was clean before we went to bed so that if you wake up, the room is still clean.
4
SPEAKER_00
And he s like, I want you to get in the bed so I can put my head in your lap.
4
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
4
SPEAKER_00
And even for someone who internalizes for my husband to value communication and honesty, sometimes I ll have like a whole dialogue going in within me and he has no idea what s happening and he wants me to speak up.
4
SPEAKER_00
So I know that part of what it means to be a powerful wife to him is me being able to verbalize what I m thinking and what s going on in my world.
4
SPEAKER_00
And so we are so consumed by living up to other people s expectations and other people s definition that we re robbing the people who we are in the closest proximity to of us being powerful in the roles that we play for them.
4
SPEAKER_00
And so when you come up with your own definition of power as it relates to your specific roles, like what is power as the founder,
4
SPEAKER_00
what is power as a spouse, what is power as an adult child, what s power as a parent, specific to the people who you are called to serve, you re able to incubate what really matters and push away that which would try to make you perform into someone you re not.
4
SPEAKER_01
Speaking of power moves, someone could look at this and think, is this a relationship book about power moves and relationships?
4
SPEAKER_01
You re speaking about your husband.
4
SPEAKER_01
It seems to me like a lot of people are struggling in relationships.
4
SPEAKER_01
There s power dynamics where there s just fights happening all the time in intimate relationships where people are dating or married.
4
SPEAKER_01
Why do you think people struggle so much to have peaceful power in an intimate relationship in today?
4
SPEAKER_00
Probably fear of control.
4
SPEAKER_01
Really?
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I think so.
4
SPEAKER_00
Fear of not even necessarily controlling another person, but controlling mitigating opportunities for hurt.
4
SPEAKER_01
Like, fear of being out of control, you mean?
4
SPEAKER_00
Yes, fear of being out of control.
4
SPEAKER_00
So, the more that I can control myself or control them, try and control the way that this relationship works, the better off I ll be.
4
SPEAKER_00
So, I have a lot of... I ll feel safe.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I think, yeah, at the end of the day, I think people are searching for safety, and safety and control often feel like they go hand in hand.
4
SPEAKER_01
Can you feel safe if you re controlling someone else?
4
SPEAKER_00
No, I don t think so.
4
SPEAKER_01
So how does someone feel safe in a relationship with someone else that they re sharing their heart with, they re being vulnerable and open with, how can they feel safe if someone else has the ability to hurt them?
4
SPEAKER_00
If you do not feel safe by yourself and on your own, it s going to be difficult for you to feel safe in the context of a relationship.
4
SPEAKER_00
Because at the end of the day, you have to get to a place of safety for yourself.
4
SPEAKER_00
Emotional safety, spiritual safety, like you have to know where is your home plate.
4
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And if you don t know your home plate and you just meet someone while you re out in the field running bases, then nobody knows where home is.
4
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
4
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So I have to know where my home plate is.
4
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What makes me feel safe is consistency, stability, rest makes me feel like I m not an out being out on the town kind of person.
4
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Like I like to be at home.
4
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It makes me feel safe.
4
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And so I know how to get myself to a space of safety.
4
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I know how to communicate to my husband because I know what is safe for me.
4
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what I need from him as well.
4
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And he knows what safety looks like for him as well, but when you don t know what it looks like, and there are times even in a marriage where you re just on autopilot, things are just going crazy, and now you re trying to control everyone else s movement, I think you have to know, I am out of my safety.
4
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And because I am out of my safety, I am now in survival mode.
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And because I am in survival mode, I have a different set of expectations than when I m functioning from a place of safety.
4
SPEAKER_00
When I m in survival mode, if you have a bad day, I think you re about to break up with me.
4
SPEAKER_00
Are you rejecting me?
4
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Did something go wrong?
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Because I don t feel safe by myself.
4
SPEAKER_00
But if we can get to a place of safety for ourselves, we can invite other people into the intimacy of our safety, we can visit the intimacy of their safety, and we can also give one each other space when that other person needs to get back to their place of safety.
4
SPEAKER_01
I know a lot of women, you know, reach out to you and asking questions about relationships.
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Based on your experience or interpretation of your community, where do you feel like women are at today in relationships?
4
SPEAKER_01
Do you feel like, what s the percentage of women do you feel like are safe emotionally in the relationships they re in?
4
SPEAKER_01
And is it about the men they re with or the relationship they re in, or is it more about
4
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they haven t learned the skills of emotional safety or regulation yet.
4
SPEAKER_00
I saw a very encouraging article that the divorce rates are actually going down because people have done a lot of work in therapy and understanding triggers and communicating.
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So marriage is becoming more safe than it once was.
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But I think that we also have a generation of women who
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feel like they saw a previous generation of women lose themselves in relationship, lose their voice, lose their ability to explore their creativity and their power to become subservient to whoever their partner was.
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And I think there s a legitimate fear in that for women who feel like, hey, I do want to create a life with someone.
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I do want to experience love.
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But I also want to be the fullness of who I am.
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And I m not sure that the two can coexist.
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And they are so committed to preserving who they are that they don t want to take a chance on relationships.
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And I think that that is a fair perspective based off of what we can see.
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But I do think that when we are in relationships with our partners, that we have to be willing to make space for the reality that just because what we saw didn t seem healthy, it doesn t mean that we can t create something healthy.
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And in wanting to create something healthy, you have to make sure that you and whoever you re going to build with want the same things.
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That you re willing to create your own definition of what love and marriage and partnership looks like.
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and that whatever that definition is, that you will commit to protecting your definition, because it may not be the world s definition, it may not be your parents  definition, or the church s definition, or whatever, but you gotta be willing to protect your definition so that you can have a bond that lasts throughout time.
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My husband and I, like,
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There are certain things we want for our family.
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There are certain things we want for our marriage.
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And we re often in worlds and cultures that don t always support that.
4
SPEAKER_00
Really?
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But we know what it is.
4
SPEAKER_00
Mm-hmm.
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SPEAKER_01
Wow.
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Yeah.
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I mean, as long as you guys are coming together in alignment on it, that s all that matters.
4
SPEAKER_00
For sure.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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Because it s going to take the strength of both of us to maintain the marriage that we want.
4
SPEAKER_00
It can t just be a one-sided strength.
4
SPEAKER_01
What would you say are, you know, you ve been married, what, 10 years now?
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_01
10 years now?
4
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And I was asking you some marriage advice before yeah, I m engaged and you know gonna be getting married sometime soon exactly Yes, if someone was looking to get engaged or married to their partner that they re with right now What would you say are three?
4
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Mandatory questions they should ask their partner before marriage
4
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to make sure that their answers are in alignment.
4
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And if they re not, then you should probably reconsider being in the relationship.
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, my husband and I have a shared expression of faith.
4
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So I think making sure that you have a shared
4
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expression of faith, not even just a shared faith, but what does this expression look like for you?
4
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How does it show up in your world?
4
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Because everybody who believes in God isn t trying to live a life of light, love, and goodness, and conviction, and humility, and so making sure you have a shared expression.
4
SPEAKER_01
So it s not just the same beliefs, it s the same shared expression of the belief.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_01
That s interesting, because you could be like, yeah, I believe in God, but I m an angry person.
4
SPEAKER_00
Right, right.
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And I m just trying to tear the world down.
4
SPEAKER_00
Exactly.
4
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How does your faith show up in your actions?
4
SPEAKER_01
Interesting.
4
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Okay.
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I will say that this isn t a question that you would have a shared answer to.
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but I think it s a question worth asking the person.
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And that is, what is the most traumatic experience you ve had in your life?
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And how does the residue of that experience show up in your present?
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SPEAKER_01
That s a big one.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_01
Wow.
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Okay.
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So one more time, say it again.
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What is the most traumatic experience of your life?
5
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And how does the residue of that experience show up in your present?
5
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That is so powerful because if people have not healed the wounds of the past and they drag them into the present, they ll keep happening in the future and it s going to affect the person you re with.
5
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And we re all a little crazy.
5
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And if you have normalized something that was traumatic,
5
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then you have become comfortable sleeping with the enemy.
5
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
5
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I need to know that you know what hurt you, what wounded you, what changed the world, the way that you see the world.
5
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Because I want to help you clear your lens.
5
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I m not asking you to not have the lens.
5
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I just want you to understand how it shows up in who you are right now.
5
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And what do I need to do in order to help you see beyond what happened to you?
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, that s interesting.
5
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Because if someone s replying and saying, well, I didn t really have anything, and they re just dismissing it, or if it is a big thing, but they re not willing to address it, it s like, it s going to impact you, the person you re with.
5
SPEAKER_01
For sure.
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SPEAKER_01
They might be avoidant, or reactive, or explosive, or aggressive.
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SPEAKER_01
You don t know.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
That s a good one.
5
SPEAKER_01
Great question.
5
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And I would say the last one is,
5
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What brings you joy?
5
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Why that one?
5
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This world is tough.
5
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And I want to know the secret to putting a smile on your face when the world s trying to wipe it off.
5
SPEAKER_01
That s beautiful.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
Do you think the world is in more pain now than when you were a teenager?
5
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I do not know.
5
SPEAKER_00
It feels like it.
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And there are plenty of reasons why I think it feels like that.
5
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But I also think social media has put it more in our face than ever.
5
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We didn t see this stuff.
5
SPEAKER_00
We didn t see it.
5
SPEAKER_01
We would see it maybe in newspapers or... But there were still wars.
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I mean, people were still going through a lot of pain.
5
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There were ups and downs in the economy.
5
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And so I want to believe that there was, you know, the same or similar amount of pain.
5
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We shouldn t see it.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, but it does feel very magnified.
5
SPEAKER_01
It does.
5
SPEAKER_01
What is the, you know, you incorporate prayer in your life a lot.
5
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What is the prayer that you think the world needs to hear right now?
5
SPEAKER_00
I think that every person has to be willing to ask themselves, God, what is it that I need to see?
5
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And who is it that I need to be to address what I see?
5
SPEAKER_00
I think it s too big of a thing to ask, what is the prayer that the world needs?
5
SPEAKER_00
But if I can get people to understand that who you are in your world matters, is significant, that you are a power player in your circle of influence,
5
SPEAKER_00
then they can take ownership over their corner of the world.
5
SPEAKER_00
And it may just be the four walls of their home.
5
SPEAKER_00
It doesn t have to... I want to believe that there s something in me that will address every single problem in the world.
5
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I want to believe that.
5
SPEAKER_00
All I have is this story, this platform, this gift to take the Bible and make it relatable.
5
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And it doesn t always feel like enough.
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It doesn t.
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But I release it anyway.
5
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And I believe that if we can all combine in releasing whatever we have anyway, that maybe we can make a difference in one person for one day or for a lifetime.
5
SPEAKER_00
But I think we have to be willing to take ownership because we ve got devastation and then we have people who are apathetic in many ways because they re so overwhelmed in what they can t do to solve what they see.
5
SPEAKER_00
But if we can engage in what we can control,
5
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I believe that we can see a difference.
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I have to believe that.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
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I can t remember if this is like a quote or just an analogy, and I can t remember who said this, but something like, if you want to go change the world, start with your own house, start with your own family.
5
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I can t remember who said that.
5
SPEAKER_01
But it seems like so many people are trying to fix problems outside of their own life.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
shouting about this cause and this problem and this thing in the world that s unjust and this war and this thing, you know, changing these policies.
5
SPEAKER_01
And I get it.
5
SPEAKER_01
I understand that.
5
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But it also seems like they re just not happy with their own life.
5
SPEAKER_01
And they probably have challenges at home that they can be taken care of first.
5
SPEAKER_01
Why do you think so many people try to fix outside problems as opposed to focus on how they can improve their health, their relationships, their past, their traumas?
5
SPEAKER_01
their family situation.
5
SPEAKER_01
Why do you think we, as society, try to fix outside versus first fixing inside?
5
SPEAKER_00
I do think that there are some people who are literally called to focus on what s happening outside of maybe their immediate circle of influence.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like, that immediate circle of influence may not be their target audience, right?
5
SPEAKER_01
But I also think that there are some people who... But if they have broken relationships and they re, you know, sick or they re not taking care of that first, that s, I guess, what s wrong.
5
SPEAKER_00
I mean, because it s just so much easier to sweep around someone else s front porch.
5
SPEAKER_00
It just is.
5
SPEAKER_00
We all know people who would like give the best advice that they don t take.
5
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You know what I mean?
5
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It doesn t mean that the advice itself is broken, but it is just really hard to do the heavy lifting for yourself.
5
SPEAKER_00
Most of the people who are like the strong friend for other people are showing up for them, but they need strength themselves because there is a vulnerability that comes when it s your life on the line, your relationship on the life where the outcomes directly impact you.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
5
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And so it can be very liberating to say, I m going to tell you what to do, and then I will figure out my stuff later or not at all.
5
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But I do think that you can only effectively
5
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impart what you know to be true.
5
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Everything else is guesswork.
5
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But I can tell you that I found out power moves because I saw power on the platform, and I saw power in the car line, and I saw power when I was creating a business plan.
5
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I know this for myself.
5
SPEAKER_00
And when you know something for yourself, you re able to have a more convincing argument for other people.
5
SPEAKER_00
But it just requires a lot of vulnerability that many people aren t willing to step into.
5
SPEAKER_01
I mean, did you say you had two kids as a teenager?
5
SPEAKER_00
Well, I had one son at 14, and then I had my second child at 21.
5
SPEAKER_01
21, okay.
5
SPEAKER_01
But you re a teen mom.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
5
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And there s, you know, that s not as common today, I guess, in America, right, as maybe it was in the past, but it s still, it s very rare, and it must be very challenging to be a 14, 15, 16-year-old mother in American society, I m assuming.
5
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How did you not let that define you or hold you back in any way or block you from your power and your ability to transform as a human being in the ways that you have?
5
SPEAKER_01
How did you not let that be your identity and keep you in some box?
5
SPEAKER_00
I spent a long time thinking that that would be my identity.
5
SPEAKER_00
Really?
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
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I mean, because unlike other things that people go through, you got a baby on your hip.
5
SPEAKER_00
If you have recovered from addiction, you can recover and never look like what you went through.
5
SPEAKER_00
There are all of these different things that can happen to us that no one knows about, but I ve got a baby on my hip and a young face.
5
SPEAKER_00
I look like a teenager who had a baby.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I figured if I am going to beat this, then I m going to just add on some decorations to this title, right?
5
SPEAKER_00
I ll get a degree.
5
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I ll get the house.
5
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I ll do the marriage.
5
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And as long as I was concerned that that would define me for the rest of my life, I was allowing it to define the choices that I made in life.
5
SPEAKER_00
And when I got to a point, I was probably 23 when I was still just like even old enough at that point to have a child.
5
SPEAKER_00
I was still thinking that it would define me.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I just got to a point where I m like, you know what?
5
SPEAKER_00
I have to accept this, that this is a part of my identity.
5
SPEAKER_00
This is a part of my lived experience, and yet I m also not going to run from it for the rest of my life.
5
SPEAKER_00
And when I stopped running from it for the rest of my life and finally embraced it, I was able to see outside of that one thing.
5
SPEAKER_00
It was so hard for me to see outside of the fact that I got pregnant as a teenager.
5
SPEAKER_00
It just felt like, how could you be silly?
5
SPEAKER_00
How could you let this happen?
5
SPEAKER_00
And you re T.D.
5
SPEAKER_00
Jake s daughter.
5
SPEAKER_00
This is so embarrassing.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I couldn t see past that.
5
SPEAKER_01
Was there a lot of shame that you were feeling?
5
SPEAKER_01
For sure.
5
SPEAKER_01
What was the main emotion?
5
SPEAKER_01
Was it shame or was it guilt?
5
SPEAKER_00
Shame.
5
SPEAKER_01
Shame.
5
SPEAKER_00
Shame.
5
SPEAKER_00
Also, I had my son at the age where purity culture was really prevalent in the faith community.
6
SPEAKER_00
So everything that we were sending messages to young girls about was about not having sex before marriage.
6
SPEAKER_00
If you do, no one s gonna want you.
6
SPEAKER_00
Like these, you know, put on a white gown and say that you re gonna be married to Jesus until you find your partner.
6
SPEAKER_00
And so, you know, I have a sister who s just almost a year older than me.
6
SPEAKER_00
It s like 11 months and a few days.
6
SPEAKER_00
And so I would be sitting at her like purity class with my baby in the back.
6
SPEAKER_01
No way.
6
SPEAKER_01
Oh my goodness.
6
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
6
SPEAKER_00
So shame, definitely shame.
6
SPEAKER_00
Like you re not one of the good girls.
6
SPEAKER_00
You re not the one who did it that way.
6
SPEAKER_00
And it was all that I could see.
6
SPEAKER_00
Really?
6
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_01
It s really hard to be powerful when you feel shame, right?
6
SPEAKER_00
Oh yeah.
6
SPEAKER_01
When were you able to let go of shame and step into power then?
6
SPEAKER_00
I really feel like it was a gradual release.
6
SPEAKER_00
And I kept thinking that I would finally have one accomplishment that would make me feel better about it.
6
SPEAKER_00
And it just wasn t enough.
6
SPEAKER_00
Nothing could fix it.
6
SPEAKER_00
Nothing could do it.
6
SPEAKER_00
No relationship, no accolade.
6
SPEAKER_00
The degree is nothing.
6
SPEAKER_00
Nothing.
6
SPEAKER_00
It was never enough.
6
SPEAKER_00
And so I finally realized I m not going to be able to just perform my way out of this.
6
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
6
SPEAKER_00
I m going to have to really understand the messages that I have received and choose whether or not I agree with these messages.
6
SPEAKER_00
So especially, you know, like I didn t really understand faithfully at that age, but I do think there came a point where it was like I have allowed shame to dictate most of my decisions.
6
SPEAKER_00
And why not try faith?
6
SPEAKER_00
Like this idea of you re fearfully and wonderfully made and no matter what you ve gone through, God still loves you.
6
SPEAKER_00
Like it was very much so an attempt.
6
SPEAKER_00
I didn t go from shame into this.
6
SPEAKER_00
I confidently believe everything, everything God says about creation belongs to me.
6
SPEAKER_00
Like it was an attempt.
6
SPEAKER_00
It was like, I ve tried shame.
6
SPEAKER_00
I ve tried depression.
6
SPEAKER_00
I ve tried promiscuity.
6
SPEAKER_00
Like I ve tried all of these different things.
6
SPEAKER_00
Let me just try to believe that I could be better than my past choices.
6
SPEAKER_00
Let me try to believe that his strength is made perfect in my weakness.
6
SPEAKER_00
Let me try to believe that I can have a fresh start.
6
SPEAKER_00
And if I were to try and believe this, what choices would I make if I thought it were true?
6
SPEAKER_00
And I started making those choices and trusting those decisions.
6
SPEAKER_00
And I started recognizing that as I moved in the direction of my faith with the works, that I was coming back to life again.
6
SPEAKER_01
So, you know, we re talking about, again, power moves and how to really build this confidence within yourself.
6
SPEAKER_01
It sounds like you didn t have confidence for many years.
6
SPEAKER_00
Oh, no.
6
SPEAKER_01
You had a lot of shame, insecurity, frustration, depression, anxiety, I m assuming.
6
SPEAKER_01
All these different disempowering emotions that kept you feeling weak, I guess, right?
6
SPEAKER_01
Not powerful.
6
SPEAKER_01
You decided to make a decision, okay, let me try this other way of being, living, experiencing, believing, and start backing it with choices that support that identity, right?
6
SPEAKER_01
How long did it take for you then to start fully owning the new identity?
6
SPEAKER_01
Because it s not an overnight like, okay, now I m this confident person and I m going to believe this and own it and act this way.
6
SPEAKER_01
It sounds like it took some time.
6
SPEAKER_01
When did you feel like, oh, I am no longer living in shame?
6
SPEAKER_01
I m living in acceptance and forgiveness of myself and an appreciation of self, of what I ve been through, and I m stepping in this new identity that I now own fully.
6
SPEAKER_00
So when I started getting evidence that making these decisions that were based and rooted in faith were actually bringing out a better version of myself, I started releasing that grasp on shame.
6
SPEAKER_01
Really?
6
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I started believing that I could trust myself again, that if I took a moment and really stilled myself, that I could see people and things for what they really were.
6
SPEAKER_00
And so I started getting evidence.
6
SPEAKER_00
So at the end of the day, shame was so powerful because it had evidence.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
6
SPEAKER_00
And sometimes when we re moving from shame into faith, faith doesn t have evidence yet.
6
SPEAKER_00
And because faith doesn t have evidence, it s so much easier to fall back into whatever that negative experience was.
6
SPEAKER_00
Because you re familiar with it.
6
SPEAKER_00
I know it, yeah, but the moment that faith begins to have evidence, it s easier to continue to move in a direction of faith.
6
SPEAKER_00
So that happened gradually, but it was happening.
6
SPEAKER_00
But what was overnight, as it relates to me forgiving myself, was the moment that I realized that I was looking at my teen pregnancy through a lens of judgment instead of compassion.
6
SPEAKER_00
And I was able to start seeing it through compassion when I realized that I wasn t just a girl who got pregnant.
6
SPEAKER_00
I was a girl who felt in many ways abandoned and rejected and who was searching for a place to fit.
6
SPEAKER_00
And when I saw myself in that moment before I made the choice, the choice made more sense to me.
6
SPEAKER_00
And a lot of times we re judging ourselves for the outcome of our choices and not looking at who we were in that moment.
6
SPEAKER_00
If we look at our choices in context with the families we grew up in and the cities we grew up in.
6
SPEAKER_01
Traumas we had or whatever it might be.
6
SPEAKER_00
The decision makes sense in context.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, yeah.
6
SPEAKER_00
But because we are just so disappointed by the outcome, we don t look at the context.
6
SPEAKER_01
Right.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I guess maybe you had a, that s kind of an aha for me because I used to be, I didn t forgive myself for a long time just for like the actions I did.
6
SPEAKER_01
Just stupid stuff as a kid, right?
6
SPEAKER_01
And the pain I caused and just like hurt to my family, myself, all these different things just felt so shameful for a long time.
6
SPEAKER_01
But for whatever reason, you just woke something up in me where it s like, well, I had a different identity back then.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I was making choices based on that belief of an identity to myself.
6
SPEAKER_01
And when we can have compassion, when I m here, you say, towards our younger self and the identity and the beliefs we had,
6
SPEAKER_01
then we can see, okay, those choices are natural.
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We re going to be making those choices based on that.
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So now we have the awareness and we can start to marinate and reflect on that identity and those behaviors and those actions and beliefs.
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And we can start to activate new beliefs and new identities.
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And over time, hopefully we make the choices consistently to own that new identity, it sounds like.
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For sure.
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Wow.
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Is it possible for us to be fully in our power if we don t forgive ourselves for our past?
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No.
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Because you have to know what s in you.
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And if you have this barricade up, like I did, where it s like, well, that version of me doesn t exist anymore.
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Look at me.
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I m shiny.
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I m brand new.
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then I cannot really plan how to protect myself or to have boundaries or to know where my weak spots are because I haven t yet done the work of recognizing how I end up making poor choices.
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So one of the chapters I m most proud of in this book is called Know Your Harm.
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Because if we go throughout life thinking that I m going to get to this stage of life where I am no longer making mistakes, where I m Miss Perfect and no one can say anything to me, then we re going to miss out on the reality that like you are going to do harmful things.
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You re going to have long days.
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You may say something hurtful.
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You may be dismissive.
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You may be disrespectful, depending on what s happening in your world.
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And you have to know how you show up in the world and how it can be harmful.
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depending on who you re talking to or what their experience of you may be.
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And so I don t know that you can really own your power without owning how you ve harmed yourselves, how you can harm others, because you have to be power with no accountability is reckless.
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You have to be accountable to the ways that you re going to fail, the ways that you re going to mess up, so that you can apologize and own them.
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That is power, seeking forgiveness, being able to forgive.
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It s not about doing everything well.
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It really is about owning every dimension of who you are.
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How often do you forgive yourself today?
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Oh, all the time.
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Really?
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Yeah.
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What do you need to forgive yourself for?
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sometimes talking negatively about myself.
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Just internally?
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Internally, sometimes internally.
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Sometimes I have to forgive myself for not showing up in the highest version of who I am in conversation with other people.
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I have to ask my children for forgiveness.
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Really?
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Yeah.
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Like, hey, I m sorry.
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I think you were trying to share something special with me and I got upset or I got so worried and afraid that I started projecting my own pain or trauma onto you.
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Wow.
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I have to apologize to my husband.
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Sometimes I get so caught up in work and so
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blinded by whatever task is in front of me, that I m not attentive to just looking him in his eye and being like, how are you for real?
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And not just going through my life s
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like two ships passing in the night.
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And I apologize or have to seek that forgiveness because at the end of the day, I have a core value that I want to live by as it relates to all of these different hats that I wear.
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And when I don t live up to those core values, it s not just an assault on the person who has had that experience.
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It s an assault on the core value that I want to embody for myself.
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And so I have to forgive myself so that I am postured to actually give an apology that is heartfelt.
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It s interesting.
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Yeah.
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And what is your thoughts on vulnerability within power?
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Unfortunately, you can t have one without the other.
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I ve tried.
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It doesn t work.
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You can t just be powerful without being vulnerable.
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That is power.
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Vulnerability is power.
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A lot of people think power is about being strength and confidence and having it all put together and being perfect.
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But I m hearing you say vulnerability is power.
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It is power.
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Anyone who we feel is powerful are in a position of extreme vulnerability in order for that power to flow through them.
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They re trying new ideas.
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They re exposing themselves to the world.
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They re risking.
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They are risking.
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and often risks that they don t necessarily have to take.
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But because they are committed to being positioned in this space of vulnerability and exploration, they re taking chances that maybe other people wouldn t take.
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And you see power, but they may see weakness.
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You see power, but they may see fear.
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And a lot of times what I am learning in speaking with people and having the
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honor of just being in a relationship with people who I think most of the world would deem powerful is that at the end of the day, they really are just human people doing the best they can with what they have been given and hoping that it translates to the people who are called to them.
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Really?
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Oh, yeah.
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What do you think are the fears?
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You don t have to call people out, but what are the fears of some of the most influential and powerful people that you advise, connect with, you know, interact with?
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What are the biggest fears that powerful people have?
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being misunderstood, trying something new and different than the way people have come to know them, relevancy.
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Staying relevant?
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Mm-hmm.
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Staying relevant and... Why are people afraid of not being relevant?
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Well, I think because we think that power is popularity.
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And that s why you got to have your own definition.
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And I am not going to be relevant forever.
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No one is.
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But with this window that I have been given, I want to give all of what God has given me to this moment so that I don t have regret when the season is over.
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And so I am not clinging for relevancy or popularity.
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I m maximizing every opportunity that has come my way and also prepared that at any given moment, it s going to be a different person, a different style, a different way of showing up in the world that someone else carries that isn t mine.
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And then my power isn t gone.
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It is just moved into a space of mentorship or maybe into a different industry.
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So, as much as it is about making a power move, it s also recognizing that power move.
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So, as a parent, I don t think there s any better example.
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Like, what makes you powerful to a newborn baby is totally different than what makes you powerful as a mother with an adult child.
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Like, I m not burping my 21-year-old.
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staying up all night with him, but I am trying to listen to him and be attentive to what he needs.
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My power as a parent has moved.
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And as long as the world is moving, as long as new ideas are emerging and new generations are taking their place, we have to recognize that power is going to move.
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And I can try and swim upstream when life is carrying me into a different path, or I can trust that there is power that awaits me in the new path that I m set upon.
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Wow.
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So you mentioned 21 year old son, so I m assuming mid thirties then.
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If you could do an experiment with me for a moment and go 10 years in the future to your 10 year older self who has lived this season of purpose that is in front of you right now, and assuming it ll go 10 and many more years beyond that, but this season of 10 years, the next decade,
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What is the three pieces of advice that your future self, with all the wisdom and experience and lessons you re going to gain over the next 10 years, what do you think she would tell you today to be prepared for with this next decade?
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I hope that she would tell me to be present in every moment.
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to plan like it s gonna last forever.
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And to... hang on to the relationships that matter the most to me.
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To really prioritize them and keep them in the forefront of what I do.
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What would she say is the thing you need to look out for the most?
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look out for other people s agendas.
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Really?
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Yeah.
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How do you know when someone s agenda is in alignment with yours or there s a win-win exchange or a good intention for both parties versus someone making it seem like there s a good intention for you but really they want something from you?
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How can you discern that?
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I think it s natural that when you re in relationship with people, people are going to want something in exchange, but making sure that what they want doesn t bankrupt you in the process.
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So if I give you what you want, because I m going to get something back from you too, right?
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There s an exchange here.
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I just have to make sure that it doesn t bankrupt me in the process.
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And I also have to understand what is a win for you.
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And can I trust, I ll give, we have these events and whenever you have groups of people there s an opportunity for sponsorship.
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We got flooded with so many people who wanted to be a part of sponsoring our events and we had to qualify as in turning down money, we had to qualify with a budget that needed to be met.
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Yeah, we had to qualify, okay this is,
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a great deal financially but at the end of the day I m going to be telling them to buy bottles of alcohol you know what I mean like I have to be willing to stand by where I am leading them and I have to say no even though at the end of the day it could have been helpful for my bottom line
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I have, I am responsible for these souls, these people that have been placed under my influence.
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And I have to make sure that whatever I am giving to them is actually helping them.
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So all of the sponsors that we had at our last event, like we gave away two full ride scholarships, we gave away two program certificates, we were giving away money and financial advising.
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Because yes, you may come and you may be able to sponsor this event, but I also want to make sure that people are leaving with things that they can actually use for themselves and that they have tools that are helping them to evolve practically.
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And so, I mean, we gave away trips.
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We re constantly thinking about the ways that we can make sure this is relevant to the people who are trusting us with their time.
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And most things are not.
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So being intentional about making sure that when they do align, that we maximize those partnerships.
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That s beautiful.
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Yeah, we ve, you know, I ve had this show for 11 years now.
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Yeah.
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And I ve never been drunk.
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I ve never done drugs or been drunk.
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And I ve been offered many big deals with like alcohol sponsors.
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Yeah.
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Nothing against it if people want to drink, but it s just not something that I want to promote.
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Right.
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So I turn down a lot of money for things that just don t make sense for me personally.
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So I understand that.
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I think it s really cool.
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Power moves, ignite your confidence and become a force by Sarah Jakes Roberts.
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I want you guys all to get a copy.
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If you want to get clear on your vision for your life and your purpose for this season of your life, and you want to overcome the challenges, the shame, the insecurity that s held you back, make sure you get this because it s going to give you a lot of powerful wisdom and actionable advice.
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from someone who s lived in shame and insecurity and depression for a period of life and who has overcome that.
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So I think it s really cool that you re sharing power moves with the world and I want the world to get it.
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They can go on Amazon or anywhere books are sold also Sarah Jakes Roberts calm And you ve got an amazing tour as well.
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Yeah, is it happening right now, or it s happening later in this year.
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How can we?
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Show up to it.
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How can we get take it s happening right now, but so we are going to all goodness Houston Chicago Brooklyn
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the DMV, Atlanta, and Los Angeles, but we re also going to have an online event because we recognize we won t be able to go to every city that we want to go to, so all of the details are on sarahjakesroberts.com for those who can t be in those cities.
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I think some of the cities are at capacity, but the other ones are, there s some openings there, but obviously virtual, you can have a party, a watch party.
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Watch party, let s go baby.
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So check it out, sarahjakesroberts.com, Power Moves.
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I got a couple of final questions for you.
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Before I ask them, is there anything else we can do to serve you today?
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No, I think that at the end of the day, what you guys are doing with School of Greatness and allowing people non-traditional forms of education and empowerment, literally you being responsible for your corner of the world, so thank you.
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It takes someone who really understands that it takes all of us, not just one of us,
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to create space and platform for other people to come through and serve as many people as possible.
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Absolutely.
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I appreciate that.
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Yeah.
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Thank you.
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Well, hopefully we ll get you back on many more times because I love connecting with you and meeting your man.
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I want to hang out with him more too.
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It s cool.
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I want to acknowledge you, Sarah, before I ask the final two questions, for your constant evolution and journey as a woman, as a leader, as a human being, doing your part to serve humanity as well.
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And I just think it s cool that you keep creating value for people.
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And you keep showing up, using your voice, even though you re introverted.
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what you say is shy, I don t know about that, but you know, shy, introverted, and wanna stay home more, you ve got a gift, and I m grateful that you re cultivating it and sharing it with so many people, so I appreciate that about you.
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I asked you this question last time, I m curious if it s changed.
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It s called the three truths.
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So imagine a hypothetical scenario, you get to live as long as you wanna live in this world, but eventually it s the last day.
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And you get to continue to create and experience life the way you wanna experience it.
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and all your dreams come true.
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But on the last day, you have to take all of your work and your content with you to the next place.
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So we don t have access to your books, your videos, your sermons, your speeches, anything anymore.
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It s gone.
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Hypothetical.
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But you get to leave behind three lessons, you know, in your hundreds at this point, right?
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So it s your last day, and I call it three truths.
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What would be those three truths for you?
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Number one,
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Find a way to love every version of who you have been.
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Number two, treasure every opportunity to engage
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with people who you encounter.
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And number three, never become someone s savior when you can lead them to one.
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All right, that s powerful.
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That s interesting.
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I don t think I ve ever heard that last one.
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Yeah, same.
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That s a powerful, powerful truth.
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Final question, what s your definition of greatness?
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Trust in your authenticity.
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trusting.
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I want to say trusting your authenticity, but.
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I also want to be clear that authenticity is not the same as consistency, which means that you re going to have to do the work of asking yourself, is this still authentic to me?
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Because sometimes we are loyal to an authentic version of who we used to be.
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And you can t trust that.
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But if you do the work of constantly asking, what is authentic to me today, and trusting that that makes sense, then you can present that person in the relationships that matter and create from that well, and love from that well, and introduce everyone you know into that version of who you are.
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I hope you enjoyed today s episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness.
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Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today s episode with all the important links.
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And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our greatness plus channel
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exclusively on Apple podcasts.
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Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple podcasts as well.
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Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review.
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I really love hearing feedback from you, and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward.
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And I want to remind you if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.
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And now it s time to go out there and do something great.