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Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.
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I am Dan Rather and I m joined by Mr. Miles.
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Hi.
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Hi, today we have accidentally naked.
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Yes.
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What a topic for me.
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I just love it.
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It was fun.
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It was more tame than we anticipated.
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Yes, but still exciting.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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I live to see public nudity.
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When I happen to bump into some public nudity, I feel so blessed.
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What a rare occurrence.
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It depends.
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Go ahead.
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Well, I know you don t like it when it s like people on the street and I don t either.
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I m going to meet you there.
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Right.
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I don t.
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I like it when I m feel safe and comfortable.
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Right, right, right.
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But if you see it at the beach or something or a dance floor or at work.
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Yeah.
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If you re at a dance floor or something accidentally falls off, it feels exciting.
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Like if Rob stood up and his whole outfit somehow came off.
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I mean, what a blessing that would be.
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Yeah, I wouldn t like it for Rob.
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I would feel vicarious.
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I would hate it for Rob.
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I d feel very bad for him if he was embarrassed.
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But if he felt great and proud, then I would be really happy for Rob.
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Do the salt burn dance around the edit.
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That was a great dance, by the way.
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I wonder how many times they shot that.
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It was a long, steady shot.
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Yeah, it was.
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OK, well, this one is safe to listen to unless nudity makes you puke.
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And then if it does, you shouldn t listen.
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Yep.
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But otherwise, if you like nudity, this is the one for you.
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Please enjoy Accidentally Naked.
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Accidentally naked.
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This ll be fun.
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Okay, great.
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Boing, boing, boing, boing.
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It s so gloomy out.
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Uh-oh, sad.
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It s hittin .
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I m sorry.
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Okay, you can t control the weather.
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I m gonna shine a light in your window.
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Good morning, how are you?
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Good, how are you guys?
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Sorry, I had some technical difficulties there.
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That s very normal.
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Almost everyone has them.
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Well, I forgot to unmute, so it s my technical difficulty.
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Yeah, what exciting red hair you have.
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Thank you very much.
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Would we call it red?
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Well, yeah, it s red.
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You can ask me if it s natural, and my response to that is usually, it said natural red on the box.
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Okay, right.
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Also, what kind of question is that?
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Is it natural?
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Yeah.
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Unless you re going to be comedian and say, does the carpet match the drapes?
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There s some comedic value in that.
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That s old.
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Okay.
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Retired.
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I think that s a retired one.
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It s not though.
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I get it all the time.
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Yeah.
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All the time.
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Okay.
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Okay.
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Okay.
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Well, I m going to tread lightly because this is a sensitive topic.
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Oh sure.
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Yeah.
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And I don t want to start anyone with their guard up.
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But Jennifer, where are you in the country?
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I am in Dayton, Ohio.
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Oh, sure.
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Right off I-75.
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You got some famous folks from Dayton, right?
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Chappelle.
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Yep.
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Chappelle.
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We claim that we re the birthplace of aviation, but there s other places that claim that as well.
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Well, cause the Wright brothers were from Dayton, Ohio.
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Yep.
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I think their bicycle shop was in Ohio.
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Wasn t it originally?
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Yeah.
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I ve been there many times.
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Also go to Cedar point quite often.
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Sandusky in the house.
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Yeah.
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You go up to Detroit, that s not far.
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Yeah, my best friend lives in Ann Arbor, so up there a lot.
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Okay, is your best friend a professor?
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No, she s a massage therapist, actually.
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Okay.
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What a fun best friend.
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I wish my best friend was a massage therapist.
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But do you get any free massages?
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Oh, yeah.
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Oh.
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Is it a labor exchange?
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Do you provide her any services?
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Yes, I bake.
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Oh, what a great friendship.
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Good duo.
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Cookies for massage.
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Okay, alas, this is an episode about being nude on accident, which I can t imagine there s a boring story that leads up to that moment of nudity in public.
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No.
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So, this happened back in 2005.
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I worked for a very large internet service provider at the time.
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I m not going to name names.
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AOL.
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No.
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But actually, I was pretty new to the company.
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I had worked very hard to impress everyone.
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I landed a really large account, had supported that account really, really well.
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And I found out that I was nominated to be part of our company s Summit of Leaders.
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Which is basically like an annual trip.
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They usually send you somewhere tropical, somewhere fancy.
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My husband and I have been married for about five years and we never had taken a honeymoon, had never taken a cool trip together.
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So we were super, super excited.
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Found out it was at a nice resort in Puerto Rico.
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All expenses paid.
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We got to the resort, walked to the beach.
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We couldn t even believe that this was our life.
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Yes.
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This was something that we could not have otherwise been able to afford.
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This is the first time my husband, who hails from Canada, had been on a beach at all.
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Oh my gosh.
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We decided right then and there, let s make the most of this trip.
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Drinking by the pool, nice dinners, massages, all of that good stuff.
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And we had trekked to a different beach one day and we noticed a sign to rent wave runners.
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This is going to sound strange, but neither one of us had ever done that before.
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Best idea is to start out right in the ocean.
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Yes, exactly.
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Not in a lake.
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Let s get you in the ocean on one of these 300 horsepower death rockets.
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But again, once in a lifetime, we re gonna live it up.
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So we decided let s go for it.
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We half listened to the instructions that were given to us.
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We headed out.
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Hubby was not being remotely careful.
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Well, you said he s Canadian.
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Yeah.
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So there s that.
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Had he done some snowmobiling?
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He s like, Oh, I know this.
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This is snowmobiling on the water.
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That s exactly what he said.
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He said, trust me, I ve done this on a snowmobile.
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Same throttle, thumb throttle.
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He knows what he s doing.
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First time on the beach and he s like, I got this.
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I know exactly what to do.
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So I am looking to the shore.
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I m waving at people.
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There s a group of people that have assembled kind of watching us out there and out of nowhere, we hit the big wave.
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Oh yeah.
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I was not holding on very tightly to the hubby, and unfortunately, I flew way into the air, completely off, and right into the sea.
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Oh, wow.
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You know, we were pretty far out at this point, so there was a level of panic and terror.
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I was like, are there sharks?
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How far out are we?
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How am I going to get back on?
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Yeah, they re not the easiest vessel to reboard.
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Well, especially when neither one of us realized to turn the vessel off to reboard.
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He manages to kind of keep it still, but the problem is, as I m trying to reboard, the jets are pushing me further and further away.
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So I d get a little close, get pushed back, get a little close, get pushed back.
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I have a good sense of what s going to happen next.
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I m panicked.
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I look and thankfully the company we rented from had actually sent a lifeguard out on his own wave runner to come get me.
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Great.
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I m anxiously awaiting.
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He hands me a rope to tow me in.
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I m just hanging onto this rope and just having the ride of my life.
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Well, real quick, Jennifer, he s going to drag you all the way back to shore.
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He s not going to try to get you on one of the skis.
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No, I was so exhausted at that point from the fight of my life to get on the other one.
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I think he just saw my exhaustion and said, just hang on, I m going to tow you in.
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I m going to drag you back.
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We get closer and closer to the shore.
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I look up and I noticed the group of people that I had noticed before on the beach.
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They re cheering, they re clapping, and I m thinking, is this for me?
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And then as we get nearer, I kind of recognize some of these people.
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Literally, my company s entire senior leadership team had been standing on the beach watching this whole debacle.
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And I mean, they were rooting for me to get back on that thing.
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They were cheering.
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They were so excited that I was rescued.
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So we re talking the CEO of the company, and this is a large internet company, right?
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The CEO, the CFO, all the big shots.
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So, you know, I m a little bit embarrassed, but I thought, I m just a nobody at this company.
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These folks are not going to remember me.
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They re not going to know who I am.
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It s fine.
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They think it s a stranger, whatever.
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So, I get far enough to stand up, and all of a sudden, I become very obvious to the fact that my bathing suit has completely fallen off me.
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Still had the bottom intact, just topless.
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So there s that.
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But my double D s were on full display.
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Oh, those lucky observers.
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The excited clapping turned to sweet and utter shock.
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All I could do was just hurry up, put the swimsuit back on.
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I literally booked it back to our room.
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I mean, it was probably a good mile away.
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I just ran.
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You just deserted your husband.
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We ll regroup in the room.
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Oh, I did.
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You know, again, I m thinking, oh, no big deal.
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These people don t know who I am.
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Again, bright red hair.
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I m pretty recognizable.
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And the funny thing, too, was I should have known immediately because the lifeguard just had a tremendous smile on his face.
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Oh, yeah.
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He s so happy.
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And I tried to say something to him and thank him.
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He didn t speak English.
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So it was just, you know, smiling and nodding.
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I got back to the room.
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I talked it up to, okay, they re not going to know who I am for the remainder of
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this trip, and we had a lot of team functions and company dinners.
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Literally every single person on the leadership team came up, introduced themselves, knew me by name at this point, shook my hand, and said, way to go.
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Wow.
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You ve provided a great service for the company.
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We all have something to talk about now.
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We hope something eventful will happen at these retreats and you have given us that.
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I even received a room credit from the CFO with a nice little card saying, thanks for the show.
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Oh boy.
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And what year was this again?
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2005.
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Yeah.
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This wouldn t happen now.
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Everyone would have to pretend like they didn t see.
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Yeah.
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It shouldn t have happened then really.
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Exactly.
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It should never have happened.
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So I actually am still at this company today.
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Oh wow.
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Oh my goodness.
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So, I always wonder, did I get promoted and remain because of that incident?
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I mean, literally, every time I ve gone to headquarters, they all still know me.
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Oh, boy.
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Come say hi.
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So, I don t know if it was a good thing or a bad thing.
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It was certainly mortifying for me, but I guess it worked out.
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I was going to ask, has it become legend at these retreats?
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Like, people will go like, oh, this one time in 2005, this gal ended up nude, being drug in from the sea.
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Literally, there have been toasts to the effect of, now keep your top on, Jen.
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Oh, okay.
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Okay, all right.
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That s enough.
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Enough, guys.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Enough, guys.
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That s unfortunate.
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I actually think the funniest part is that you would get close and then get pushed out.
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Visually, that s hilarious.
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Yeah, it s a set piece in a comedy, yeah.
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It reminded me a lot of the recent treadmill story, right?
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It was kind of the same con.
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That s exactly what I m thinking about.
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The spin cycle.
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On the march back to your room, were you like, this fucking Canuck husband of mine had no business.
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He should have seen that wave.
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He doesn t know what he s doing.
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Why didn t he tell me to pull my bathing suit on?
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What the hell?
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Did he get the brunt of all that?
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Very much so.
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I think there was probably a 24 hour period of no talking on this lovely vacation.
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To be expected.
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I think he knew immediately just the fact that he couldn t get me back on that thing that he was already in trouble for that.
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Yeah, a little different on snowmobile.
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You just stand up and then you swing your leg right over it.
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And there s no loss of clothing.
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SPEAKER_00
No.
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Well, at least hopefully not.
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If you ve lost your snowmobile suit, you ve been in an accident that s gonna have you in the ER.
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Knock on wood.
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Okay, knock on wood, snowmobile suit.
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SPEAKER_00
Jennifer, what a great story.
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Yeah, thank you.
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And the fact that it was in front of all your new employers, it really heightens the stakes.
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I gotta say this, and Monica, you ll appreciate this, Dax, you are my Matt Damon.
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Oh, Jennifer, come on.
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I m trying so hard to keep it cool.
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But like, this is doing so amazing for me.
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SPEAKER_00
I had no idea.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah, you re playing it very cool.
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SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
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Cool girls know how to be cool.
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SPEAKER_03
I try to be cool.
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But yeah, I have been such a fan for so long.
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SPEAKER_03
Like, I literally fell in love with you during Parenthood.
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SPEAKER_00
Oh, thank you.
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SPEAKER_03
Just wow.
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This is amazing.
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SPEAKER_03
And Monica, I love you to death.
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Oh, thank you.
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SPEAKER_00
Well, we loved getting to meet you as my neighbor to the South in Ohio, go Buckeyes.
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SPEAKER_00
Happy to get to talk to you.
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SPEAKER_04
We have the same breast size, so that s fun for us.
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SPEAKER_00
Oh yeah.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_03
And just one more thing.
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My husband and I have been married for 25 years.
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SPEAKER_03
He is an addict and you and Kristen have really been a support system for us.
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SPEAKER_03
We re hanging in there, keeping it going, taking it a day at a time.
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SPEAKER_03
And I owe a lot of that to you and you guys being so open and honest with your struggles.
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SPEAKER_00
Oh, thank you.
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SPEAKER_00
That makes me really happy.
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SPEAKER_00
All right.
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Well, Jennifer, great meeting you.
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And thanks for that wonderful story.
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SPEAKER_03
Of course, guys.
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Have a good rest of the day.
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SPEAKER_00
Okay.
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SPEAKER_00
Take care.
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SPEAKER_00
Hi.
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SPEAKER_03
Hello, Jill.
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SPEAKER_00
Oh, look at this fort you made.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah, what a great fort.
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SPEAKER_02
Thank you.
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I tried really hard for Monica.
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It s gorgeous.
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I was very stressed about the fort.
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Then I cleaned the rest of my house, just in case you wanted to, I don t know, take a look around.
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SPEAKER_00
Go on a tour.
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SPEAKER_00
Now, based on the structure of this fort, it does look like you could have employed the help of some six or seven year olds.
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SPEAKER_00
It definitely screams child fort.
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SPEAKER_02
It really does.
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It s beautiful.
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We ll go with that.
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Let s bring children into it instead of me just making this super janky for them.
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SPEAKER_00
I really like it.
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SPEAKER_00
I like that you ve pulled the two bar back chairs up to get a little high.
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SPEAKER_01
I was really hoping you wouldn t notice that.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah, no, it s great.
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SPEAKER_01
It s really good.
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SPEAKER_01
Bar back chairs, yes.
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SPEAKER_00
Is that what we call them, Monica?
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SPEAKER_00
Help me out.
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SPEAKER_01
Bar stools?
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SPEAKER_00
Well, bar stools don t have a back though.
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SPEAKER_01
Oh.
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SPEAKER_00
Right?
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SPEAKER_00
They re stools.
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SPEAKER_02
Okay.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
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Bar back.
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SPEAKER_02
But then if it was a bar back, wouldn t it go behind the bar?
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SPEAKER_00
Well, a bar back is someone helping the bartender.
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SPEAKER_00
Exactly.
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SPEAKER_00
So that is confusing.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_00
But I said bar back chairs.
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SPEAKER_04
I think it s bar stools with a back.
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SPEAKER_00
Barstool Sports.
1
SPEAKER_00
Jill, where are you in the country?
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SPEAKER_04
I got you guys into an argument.
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SPEAKER_04
You think that s an argument?
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SPEAKER_00
Also, you shouldn t feel that proud of yourself.
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SPEAKER_00
All you gotta do is open a window and let a breeze blow through.
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SPEAKER_00
It s so easy.
1
SPEAKER_00
Where are you though?
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SPEAKER_02
Right now I am in Alameda, California.
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SPEAKER_00
Where s Alameda?
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SPEAKER_00
North?
1
SPEAKER_02
Is that a place you don t know?
1
SPEAKER_00
You re offended.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m so excited.
1
SPEAKER_02
No, I m happy.
1
SPEAKER_02
So it is right across the bridge to the Bay Area and it s right next to Oakland.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s an island.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, no shit.
1
SPEAKER_00
The bridge stops.
1
SPEAKER_00
There s an exit.
1
SPEAKER_00
Are you commuting by ferry?
1
SPEAKER_02
You can do ferry, a bus or cars.
1
SPEAKER_02
But yeah, there is definitely a bridge across that you have to take.
1
SPEAKER_02
Cool.
1
SPEAKER_02
And if the zombie apocalypse comes, they re going to just put the bridges up and no one can get in.
1
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
1
SPEAKER_00
You re well suited for that.
1
Thank you.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay, so Jill, not to thin slice and put you into a box, but at first glance, I don t assume you ve been accidentally naked in public.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s so sweet.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I think it is.
1
SPEAKER_00
Like, you look put together and responsible.
1
SPEAKER_02
I look like a mom who would have a kid that would make an effort.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yes, absolutely.
1
SPEAKER_02
No, I have 1,000% been naked in a very, very public place.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, please.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, we can t wait to hear.
1
SPEAKER_00
Please tell us.
1
SPEAKER_02
Let me set the scene.
1
SPEAKER_02
So it s 1990.
1
SPEAKER_00
Perfect.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yes, so pre-cell phone.
1
SPEAKER_02
So let s all just like, whew, on that one.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
And it is Bali actually.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh my gosh.
1
SPEAKER_00
How does one end up in Bali in 1990?
1
SPEAKER_00
You re young.
1
SPEAKER_02
I was really young.
1
SPEAKER_02
I was 21 and I was working for a club med type of place.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s called Pacific islands club.
1
SPEAKER_02
in Saipan, in the Marianas Islands, and I was in their kind of club mate, it sounds like playmate, it s not, teaching archery, aerobics, et cetera.
1
SPEAKER_00
This seems like a dream job for a 21-year-old.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it sounds perfect.
1
SPEAKER_02
I mean, it was an amazing, amazing job.
1
SPEAKER_02
I learned how to drink on Saipan.
1
SPEAKER_02
It was great.
1
SPEAKER_02
I also started traveling.
1
SPEAKER_02
I wanted to be like a really cool world traveler.
1
SPEAKER_02
And Saipan, which is in the middle of the Marianas, is really close to a lot of different places.
1
SPEAKER_02
So I decided to go with my boyfriend at the time to Bali.
1
SPEAKER_02
And have you ever been to Bali?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yes, one time in 1997.
1
SPEAKER_02
So you know about Ubud.
1
SPEAKER_00
Perhaps.
1
SPEAKER_00
What is Ubud?
1
SPEAKER_02
Great.
1
SPEAKER_02
Thank you for asking.
1
SPEAKER_02
So Ubud is the monkey forest.
1
SPEAKER_02
So it s called the monkey forest or the monkey temple.
1
SPEAKER_02
So it s a huge tourist place with over 600 monkeys just kind of roaming around.
1
SPEAKER_02
They re really tame.
1
SPEAKER_02
You know, you can feed them if you want.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m mad I didn t go there.
1
SPEAKER_00
I wish I had.
1
SPEAKER_02
You still have a chance, and maybe after this story, you may not feel like it.
1
SPEAKER_02
I go to the entrance, and there s all these tourists, of course, and then local people selling things, and there s a beautiful little girl that comes up to me.
1
SPEAKER_02
She looks to be like four or five, and she hands me this necklace.
1
SPEAKER_02
And I m like, great.
1
SPEAKER_02
And so it s got beads or beans or seeds or something on it.
1
SPEAKER_02
And so I put it around my neck and I give her some money and she s happy and she walks away and I m happy because I ve done this amazing benevolent deed.
1
SPEAKER_02
And so I go deep into the forest and that s where all the monkeys are.
1
SPEAKER_02
And the monkeys kind of take a look at me and one monkey comes over and he s a medium-sized monkey.
1
SPEAKER_02
He starts to kind of crawl at my body and I m like, oh, that s
1
SPEAKER_02
It s cute, I m a world traveler, this is fine.
1
SPEAKER_02
And he picks up the necklace and he starts kind of eating it like you would a little candy necklace from elementary school.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m kind of trying not to freak out and be this cool world traveler and the other monkeys kind of notice that he s eating.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s okay, Monica.
1
SPEAKER_02
This is stressing me out.
1
SPEAKER_00
You re having visions of being sworn by wild monkeys and torn to bits.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, it s going to get worse.
1
SPEAKER_02
So the monkeys kind of notice that he s eating.
1
SPEAKER_02
They come over and I m like, okay, I m okay.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m okay.
1
SPEAKER_02
And he s just still kind of chill, maybe a little hissing at the monkeys that are now starting to gather at my feet.
1
SPEAKER_02
And he decides that he s like bored with this action, I think.
1
SPEAKER_02
And so he just yanks the necklace really hard and the beans or the seeds just spreads everywhere to all the monkeys.
1
SPEAKER_02
And it s at this point I realize, oh my God, I m wearing monkey food around my neck.
1
SPEAKER_00
Right, right.
1
SPEAKER_00
What s the boyfriend doing?
2
SPEAKER_01
He s shell-shocked, doesn t know what to do.
2
SPEAKER_03
At this point, he s kind of like giggling, like, oh, wow, look at these monkeys.
2
SPEAKER_03
He seems chill.
2
SPEAKER_01
Because they re not on him, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
The one monkey had gotten off, and I m like, OK, everything s fine.
2
SPEAKER_03
They re going to eat these seeds and go away.
2
SPEAKER_03
And they do kind of do that until I m standing there, and I m like, I feel really hot.
2
SPEAKER_03
I feel itchy.
2
SPEAKER_03
What is happening?
2
SPEAKER_03
I m being stabbed, like, with tiny little needles.
2
SPEAKER_03
And I m like, what is happening?
2
SPEAKER_03
What is happening?
2
SPEAKER_03
So I pull my shirt out, and I look under,
2
SPEAKER_03
and I m covered in fire ants.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh my goodness, they were all on the monkey and they fell into your shirt?
2
SPEAKER_03
They were on the monkey and then they went into me.
2
SPEAKER_03
So then I m like, you know, freaking out and I m starting to slap myself, but that s not working because the ants are marching downward.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh, they want to get south.
2
SPEAKER_03
So I m in the middle of the monkey forest with all of these tourists and people and monkeys, and I m ripping my clothes off.
2
SPEAKER_03
So first comes the t-shirt, it s really hot there.
2
SPEAKER_03
Second, the bra.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh, bras off.
2
SPEAKER_03
At this point, I m not thinking.
2
SPEAKER_01
You re in survival mode.
2
SPEAKER_01
I would imagine many of the listeners have not been attacked by fire ants, myself included.
2
SPEAKER_01
What s a good comp for how much that hurts?
2
SPEAKER_01
Is it like a bee sting or less or more?
2
SPEAKER_03
It s more than a bee sting.
2
SPEAKER_03
They
2
SPEAKER_03
bite.
2
SPEAKER_03
So it s like a thousand little hot poking needles just stinging you.
2
SPEAKER_03
And it causes like welts and rashes.
2
SPEAKER_03
So I m just completely freaking out.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m hitting myself.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m half naked at this point.
2
SPEAKER_03
But again, these fire ants are very committed and they re making their way south.
2
SPEAKER_03
So I literally, without thinking,
2
SPEAKER_03
just pull off the shorts and the underwear.
2
SPEAKER_03
Wow.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh.
2
SPEAKER_01
Now you re in a National Geographic shoot.
2
SPEAKER_02
You weren t worried that the ants were gonna, like- Get in your vagina.
2
SPEAKER_02
Now you re more exposed.
2
SPEAKER_02
They could crawl up in you.
2
SPEAKER_03
I was concerned about all of it, but what I was feeling at the time was I saw them on the top of my clothes, but I felt them underneath.
2
SPEAKER_03
And I knew that I needed to brush them or hit them or kill them to get them off of me.
2
SPEAKER_01
You needed to be able to get every one of them off you.
2
SPEAKER_01
And so you needed access to your whole body.
2
SPEAKER_01
I understand the instinct.
2
SPEAKER_03
Thank you.
2
SPEAKER_03
I really appreciate that.
2
SPEAKER_03
So now I m standing naked in the forest in the middle of Monkey Temple in my tennis shoes.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m getting most of them off.
2
SPEAKER_03
So the ex-boyfriend, Monica, not a meet cute ex.
2
SPEAKER_03
OK?
2
SPEAKER_01
This is an end cute.
2
SPEAKER_03
He s laughing.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh my God.
2
SPEAKER_03
Hilariously, like he cannot stop laughing.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m standing naked and he s laughing.
2
SPEAKER_03
And he s not running for water.
2
SPEAKER_03
He s not slapping me or the things off.
2
SPEAKER_01
He s starting to take his pants off.
2
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
He should have in solidarity.
2
SPEAKER_03
I know, right?
2
SPEAKER_03
And everyone around is just in shock because I just look like I m having this episode.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, you look like a nudist, but like a crazy aggressive one where it s like, I got to get out of these clothes right now.
2
SPEAKER_03
You know, you would think that it,
2
SPEAKER_03
can t get any worse in this moment, and it can.
2
SPEAKER_01
Uh-oh.
2
SPEAKER_03
The biggest monkey during this whole scenario, let s call him the dominant monkey.
2
SPEAKER_03
Let s call him, you know... Zeus.
2
SPEAKER_03
He s, of course, reacting, kind of having this moment of looking around, because all the monkeys are really into what s happening as well.
2
SPEAKER_03
Like, it just seems very exciting.
2
SPEAKER_03
This person is not doing what people normally do in the monkey temple.
2
SPEAKER_03
So he looks, and he literally locks eyes with me across the monkey temple.
2
SPEAKER_03
And then he kind of gets up, and then I see the biggest monkey erection.
2
SPEAKER_01
He s immediately horny.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_03
And I literally, again, can t think of anything to do except just go, no, no, no, no, thank you, no, no, no, no, no, honky, no.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh my God, this is so scary.
2
SPEAKER_03
Finally, the boyfriend kind of snaps too because I m moving around him and he s assessing like, oh no, this is not a good thing.
2
SPEAKER_03
And so he actually starts making big, loud primate noises and big body.
2
SPEAKER_03
And then the main monkey just kind of loses interest and then went over to another female monkey, but he was halfway to me.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
Whoa, it almost turned into dolphin asparagus.
2
SPEAKER_02
I know, and I am never going here.
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, you could prepare better.
2
SPEAKER_02
No, because no one s there.
2
SPEAKER_01
Don t put food around your neck.
2
SPEAKER_02
Also, that little girl, she was a devil in disguise.
2
SPEAKER_01
A cute devil.
2
SPEAKER_01
She was a little devil.
2
SPEAKER_02
I bet it was that baby.
2
SPEAKER_02
No, that baby would never do that.
2
SPEAKER_02
This girl was trying to kill you.
2
SPEAKER_01
She might have assumed you knew that was food to give them and not to put around your neck next to your cartilage.
2
SPEAKER_03
She put it on her neck.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m gonna go with both of you at this point.
2
SPEAKER_03
I have thought about that since, and I feel like she was kind of like, oh, well, she s putting it around her neck.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s cool.
2
SPEAKER_03
No, she wanted chaos.
2
SPEAKER_03
She was a devil baby.
2
SPEAKER_01
She was a harbinger of evil.
2
SPEAKER_03
To this day, I can t even watch monkeys on TV.
2
SPEAKER_03
Like, I have monkey PTSD.
2
SPEAKER_03
Like, I sweat at the zoo.
2
SPEAKER_01
Now, the ants, you were able to get them all off of you?
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then you were able to get your clothes back on pretty quickly.
2
SPEAKER_01
Did you continue on with the tour of the temple or were you like, fuck this, I m out of here?
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, it was a real fuck this situation.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, that makes sense.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s hard to rally after that.
2
SPEAKER_01
The alpha males are already got his eyes on you.
2
SPEAKER_01
You kind of want to get out of here.
2
SPEAKER_02
Get away.
2
SPEAKER_01
Do you know how many Christmases around the world families have regaled their family members with this incredible time they went to this temple and what they observed, like the gift you gave these people.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t know if I ve ever seen anything as spectacular as that.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
And then also preparing for this, I was thinking about, cause I was working at Pacific islands club.
2
SPEAKER_03
I was teaching aerobics.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, you look great.
2
SPEAKER_03
My 21 year old self, long blonde hair, like the whole works.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s no wonder this Zeus got aroused.
2
SPEAKER_02
No, it s still predatorial.
2
SPEAKER_02
Doesn t matter what anyone looks like.
2
SPEAKER_02
No means no, Zeus.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
Even though you were saying no, thank you.
2
SPEAKER_01
No, please.
2
SPEAKER_03
I was being polite.
2
SPEAKER_03
Well, thank you guys.
2
SPEAKER_03
This has been a real honor.
2
SPEAKER_03
This was so fun.
2
SPEAKER_01
This is incredible.
2
SPEAKER_01
I didn t really think we d get a story that good to be honest.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s a 10 out of 10.
2
SPEAKER_01
Cause already I m like, okay, the monkeys are great.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s going to be a great story.
2
SPEAKER_01
And my presumption is they tore your shirt off as they left and that s going to be fine.
2
SPEAKER_01
But no, ants enter the picture and then Zeus is around.
2
SPEAKER_03
It will forever live in my memory.
2
SPEAKER_01
How much longer did you stay with that boy?
2
SPEAKER_03
I stayed with him in Saipan for a while, and then we broke up after we both left Saipan.
2
SPEAKER_01
Right.
2
SPEAKER_01
And you have zero contact with him.
2
SPEAKER_01
You ve not bumped into him on Facebook or anything?
2
SPEAKER_03
No, he still drunk dials from time to time.
2
SPEAKER_01
Okay, great.
2
SPEAKER_03
I was the one that got away.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
The monkey bride.
2
SPEAKER_03
Zeus also calls.
2
SPEAKER_01
Take care, and thanks so much for that banger of a story.
2
SPEAKER_03
Thank you.
2
SPEAKER_03
Bye.
2
SPEAKER_02
Very, very fun.
2
SPEAKER_01
That was a hot tail.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m itchy now.
2
SPEAKER_01
You are.
2
SPEAKER_01
Some ants?
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I feel like there s ants.
2
SPEAKER_01
Ants in your pants?
2
SPEAKER_02
Ants in my pants.
2
SPEAKER_02
Max.
2
SPEAKER_02
I wonder if it s my Max.
2
SPEAKER_01
Let s go, Max.
2
SPEAKER_01
Max, can you hear us?
2
SPEAKER_00
I can hear you guys.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, wonderful.
2
SPEAKER_00
I am so excited to be on here with you all.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh, and we are excited to be talking to you.
2
SPEAKER_01
I see that you have a nice hat collection behind you.
2
SPEAKER_00
My fiancee thought you might comment on that.
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, she was right.
2
SPEAKER_01
What else did she think I was going to comment on because I got a hunch, you know, what s coming next?
2
SPEAKER_01
My scar, but that was it now.
2
SPEAKER_01
Nice biceps.
2
SPEAKER_01
Really nice definition.
2
SPEAKER_00
Thank you very much.
2
SPEAKER_01
But you know what they look like?
2
SPEAKER_01
They look like they re the result of an actual athletic endeavor.
2
SPEAKER_00
Are you a climber or something?
2
SPEAKER_00
I was a climber for a while.
2
SPEAKER_00
I played tennis in high school.
2
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay, yeah, they ve got that very athletic-toned look to them.
2
SPEAKER_00
Well, I take that as a high praise from you, Dex.
2
SPEAKER_02
Are you in Austin?
2
SPEAKER_00
I am just outside of Boulder, Colorado.
2
SPEAKER_00
Monica, welcome.
2
SPEAKER_02
I decided to try it.
2
SPEAKER_02
Didn t it feel good?
2
SPEAKER_02
It didn t, because I didn t get it right.
2
SPEAKER_01
Okay, but you know Monica hates when I guess, but she s now joined.
2
SPEAKER_02
I decided to try it.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s so fun.
2
SPEAKER_00
Austin s Boulder South, right?
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, true.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, very similar clientele.
2
SPEAKER_00
And Monica, my fiance, is from just outside of Atlanta.
2
SPEAKER_00
She s from Roswell, Georgia.
2
SPEAKER_02
Roswell, we just talked to somebody else who was from Roswell.
2
SPEAKER_01
Roswell s having a moment.
2
SPEAKER_02
And ding, ding, ding, Easter egg, we re going to have an episode of Flightless Bird on Roswell.
2
SPEAKER_01
New Mexico.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_00
The first episode I ever heard of Armchair Expert was with David.
2
SPEAKER_01
It was the QAnon episode.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh, okay.
2
SPEAKER_01
And armchaired and dangerous.
2
SPEAKER_00
Absolutely.
2
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_01
So Max, you ended up accidentally naked.
2
SPEAKER_01
I can t wait to hear how that happened.
2
SPEAKER_00
I did indeed.
2
SPEAKER_00
So this story takes place back in 2018 here in Boulder.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m in the restaurant industry.
2
SPEAKER_00
I ve been a chef for many, many years.
2
SPEAKER_00
Recently took over front of house at a small brew pub here in Boulder called Under the Sun.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s actually where I met my fiance.
3
SPEAKER_00
And at the time we were both working there, I was a line cook, she was a server.
3
SPEAKER_02
It s a hotbed of activity at those restaurants.
3
SPEAKER_00
It sure is.
3
SPEAKER_00
And the living situations can be quite wild, which leads me into the next portion of this story.
3
SPEAKER_00
So we were both early twenties living in what amounted to slumlord tenant situations.
3
SPEAKER_00
In Boulder, you can only have three unrelated individuals living in a house together on a lease legally.
3
SPEAKER_00
They do that to keep landlords from taking advantage of college students and things like that, because it is a big college town.
3
SPEAKER_00
But they do nonetheless.
3
SPEAKER_00
So both of us were kind of in similar living situations, not super happy with our roommates, but I could not stand my roommate.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I preferred to be at my fiance Samantha s house.
3
SPEAKER_00
So I would be there quite often.
3
SPEAKER_00
She was living in a house that was supposed to have two people on the lease, but there was five people living there.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh, so they re already in violation.
3
SPEAKER_00
Very much so.
3
SPEAKER_00
And in the restaurant industry, not trying to make generalizations here, but tends to be some
3
SPEAKER_00
substance abuse and also kind of psychological issues.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, the hours suck.
3
SPEAKER_02
So you re going hard.
3
SPEAKER_00
That was definitely the situation for both of us.
3
SPEAKER_00
And her roommates in particular were very mentally unstable.
3
SPEAKER_00
One of them in particular, we ll call him Lucas.
3
SPEAKER_00
I remember the first time I met him, I walked into her house.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s probably like 11 p.m.
3
SPEAKER_00
and he s sitting in the living room, just chugging a bottle of Tito s all by himself.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
So this is kind of how I get introduced to this gentleman.
3
SPEAKER_00
As I m over her house more and more, you know, we re getting kind of hot and heavy and I m over her house just about every single night, I get to know this kid a little bit better.
3
SPEAKER_00
And he is, let s just say, unhinged.
3
SPEAKER_00
Couple of preliminary stories for you before we get into the meat of it.
3
SPEAKER_00
No pun intended.
3
SPEAKER_00
He would
3
SPEAKER_00
oftentimes make some off remarks to Samantha that I wasn t very fond of.
3
SPEAKER_00
So we had a couple of altercations verbally where I m like, hey man, can you like lay off?
3
SPEAKER_00
That s not cool.
3
SPEAKER_00
So my fiance is a oil painter.
3
SPEAKER_00
At the time she had her studio in the backyard of this ranch house in Boulder, Colorado, and it was like a little outbuilding, a little garage in the back.
3
SPEAKER_00
We were sitting out there one night.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m just sitting on a couch and I have a direct view to the back side of this garage.
3
SPEAKER_00
And there s a window there.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I notice a little face peeking up over the windowsill.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s pitch black.
3
SPEAKER_00
There s nothing but weeds and bushes back there.
3
SPEAKER_00
There s no reason for anyone to be there.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I m like, that s really creepy.
3
SPEAKER_00
Who s back there peeping on us?
3
SPEAKER_00
I kind of noticed it.
3
SPEAKER_00
I was like, Sam, is there someone over there?
3
SPEAKER_00
And she s like, maybe it might be my roommate.
3
SPEAKER_00
He s kind of a creep.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is Lucas.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is Lucas.
3
SPEAKER_00
I forget about it.
3
SPEAKER_00
We re first couple months of our relationship.
3
SPEAKER_00
So if we re together for more than an hour, we re probably getting steamy.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
happens, we re sitting on the couch, we re hooking up, and I notice Lucas is standing there just straight up staring at us.
3
SPEAKER_00
It gave me like a hit in my chest.
3
SPEAKER_00
I was like, who is that?
3
SPEAKER_00
What is going on?
3
SPEAKER_00
Are we being stalked right now?
3
SPEAKER_00
So I noticed him there and he s like very obviously getting his rocks off, hooking up.
3
SPEAKER_02
He s jacking off?
3
SPEAKER_02
Well, let s keep it clean, Monica.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, we keep it really clean here.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, we didn t see the bottom half of his body, but he was grinning and definitely moving a little bit.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay, he s jacking his dick.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yikes.
3
SPEAKER_00
I get up, I go out to confront this unhinged person, and I m like, man, what are you doing?
3
SPEAKER_00
He s like, you re making a big deal out of nothing.
3
SPEAKER_00
I was just hanging out back there.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s my house, it s not your house.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m like.
3
SPEAKER_00
All right, man, this is too much.
3
SPEAKER_00
Sam, let s go back inside.
3
SPEAKER_00
He s freaking me out.
3
SPEAKER_00
Later that same night, I go outside to smoke a cigarette, and he is face down on the patio, pants around his ankles, in a pile of his own vomit.
3
SPEAKER_01
Whoa!
3
SPEAKER_00
So I grab him and put him on his side so he doesn t choke on his own gunk.
3
SPEAKER_00
Go back inside and just leave him out there.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m like, I can t deal with this.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is just to give you an example of what kind of person this guy was.
3
SPEAKER_00
Right, right.
3
SPEAKER_02
I wish he had called into Alcoholics Anonymous.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
I wish.
3
SPEAKER_00
A couple weeks later, I ve been at Sam s house a lot, and I can feel the tension starting to build more and more with this kid.
3
SPEAKER_00
The more I m there, the more he kind of resents me.
3
SPEAKER_00
He s definitely got the hots for my girlfriend, probably doesn t want me around.
3
SPEAKER_00
And they just so happen to live in two rooms that are connected by a walkthrough bathroom.
3
SPEAKER_00
So we can hear each other in each other s rooms quite often.
3
SPEAKER_00
Not an ideal situation.
3
SPEAKER_00
So we re in Samantha s bedroom.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s probably two in the morning.
3
SPEAKER_00
I wake up again early on in the relationship.
3
SPEAKER_00
So good luck keeping our clothes on.
3
SPEAKER_00
I get up to go to the bathroom completely naked.
3
SPEAKER_00
And because the bathroom is shared, very rarely are the doors locked because we don t want anybody getting locked out of their bathroom.
3
SPEAKER_00
So I m peeing.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think I heard you saying the other day, Dax, how you would force it out a little bit and go for that real high pressure stream.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yep.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yep.
3
SPEAKER_00
Thunderous.
3
SPEAKER_00
So my stream was certainly thunderous that night.
3
SPEAKER_00
I had been drinking some beer and, you know, I probably made more noise than was necessary.
3
SPEAKER_00
Flushed the toilet, dropped the toilet seat, kind of let it slam.
3
SPEAKER_00
Not really thinking about it.
3
SPEAKER_00
Next thing I know, I notice the door to his room is cracked open just a little bit.
3
SPEAKER_00
He literally kicks the door open.
3
SPEAKER_00
comes raging into the bathroom and I m standing there completely naked.
3
SPEAKER_01
And he s like, you piece of shit.
3
SPEAKER_01
I got caught in the morning for a DUI.
3
SPEAKER_01
You re trying to fucking sabotage me.
3
SPEAKER_01
You re trying to keep me up.
3
SPEAKER_01
He s pushing me.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m like man, I hope this kid hits me cuz I don t want to be the aggressor here, but do something man I m an ex-wrestler.
3
SPEAKER_00
I was ready to go.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, really wanted something to happen I was raging but at the same time I wasn t looking for an assault charge So kind of trying to keep my cool keep my cool and then all of a sudden from the other side of the bathroom I hear stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp and in through the other door burst Sam also completely naked, okay
3
SPEAKER_01
Get out of here, swinging the hair brush.
3
SPEAKER_00
She came to save my ass.
3
SPEAKER_00
So now I m between the two of them.
3
SPEAKER_00
They re trying to go at it.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I m between the two of them like, Sam, stay away.
3
SPEAKER_01
He s crazy.
3
SPEAKER_01
I m like, Lucas, get out of here, man.
3
SPEAKER_01
What are you doing?
3
SPEAKER_01
This is ridiculous.
3
SPEAKER_00
I eventually push him into his room.
3
SPEAKER_00
I lock the door.
3
SPEAKER_00
We go back into her bedroom and get some clothes on.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then the rest of the night ensued with all of the roommates in the house coming out and putting in their two cents.
3
SPEAKER_02
It sounds like a teaser for an episode coming up on the MTV house reality show.
3
SPEAKER_02
Like I feel like they would tease out this moment for like three or four episodes.
3
SPEAKER_02
That is exactly what it was like.
3
SPEAKER_00
So we get through the night and with all of these previous situations that had occurred, they had tried to get this guy out of the house for a while, but he wasn t on the lease.
3
SPEAKER_00
So there s a little bit of legality issues there.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s basically squatters rights.
3
SPEAKER_00
You can t kick them out.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh my God.
3
SPEAKER_02
Some of these rules are preposterous.
3
SPEAKER_02
Let s reward the person who hasn t even made any commitment to the place.
3
SPEAKER_00
Absolutely.
3
SPEAKER_00
The next day we hear him leave early in the morning to go to his court date for his DUI.
3
SPEAKER_00
He is still raging as loud as he can, talking about how big of a pussy I am.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m five, five Italian.
3
SPEAKER_00
And at the time I didn t have any of this.
3
SPEAKER_00
It was just the mustache.
3
SPEAKER_00
So he was like, you fucking Mario.
3
SPEAKER_01
What are you going to do, Mario?
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh God.
3
SPEAKER_01
You fucking pussy.
3
SPEAKER_00
What are you gonna do like trying to get me to start stuff with him?
3
SPEAKER_00
So it was an apt Comparison to draw but the whole morning all I hear is him calling me Mario at all the other roommates fucking Mario s in there Starting stuff at the house.
3
SPEAKER_01
He shouldn t be here
3
SPEAKER_00
Well, everybody kind of agreed that he was the problem.
3
SPEAKER_00
So we called the landlord.
3
SPEAKER_00
Sam basically gave him the ultimatum.
3
SPEAKER_00
You got to get this guy out of here or we re calling the cops and we re going to have him like forcibly removed.
3
SPEAKER_00
Finally, that day, the landlord came by, was like, man, you got to get out of here.
3
SPEAKER_00
You got a couple of days.
3
SPEAKER_00
By the time I came back to her house that night, he had gone through broken
3
SPEAKER_00
anything glass he could find.
3
SPEAKER_00
Furniture was just destroyed.
3
SPEAKER_00
I mean, chairs like broken into kindling.
3
SPEAKER_00
It was just a disaster.
3
SPEAKER_00
But that was the last we ever saw Lucas.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it was our hope that he would get some help.
3
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
We don t know where he is now, but Sam and I are happily engaged.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh, some of these young men, they re like adolescent elephants, just smashing trees and stuff.
3
SPEAKER_02
They re just a total liability.
3
SPEAKER_02
Nearly a nude fisticuff situation, which could also be a prompt.
3
SPEAKER_02
Tell us about a time you fought naked.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
Which as you recall, the defining fight between my brother and I.
3
SPEAKER_02
he was bare naked.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, that s right.
3
SPEAKER_02
I relate to this, but of course, I was a Lucas in this story.
3
SPEAKER_02
Sure, sure, sure.
3
SPEAKER_00
Well, I hold space for everybody and their issues.
3
SPEAKER_00
Really hope that he found the help that he needed, but all I know is that me and Sam have found ourselves in a much better living situation.
3
SPEAKER_00
Just the two of us and a couple of pets, so.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, good, it all worked out.
3
SPEAKER_02
I love that she joined the melee.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Nude with a hairbrush.
3
SPEAKER_00
It was impressive.
3
SPEAKER_00
I was like, this girl is for me.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh, well, Max, what a tasty story.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yes, thank you.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, thank you so much for telling us that.
3
SPEAKER_02
Thank you for having me.
3
SPEAKER_00
It was great to meet you all.
3
SPEAKER_02
Take care.
3
SPEAKER_02
Bye.
3
SPEAKER_02
All right, bye-bye.
3
SPEAKER_02
I have a question.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
Why is it called hot and heavy?
3
SPEAKER_02
What s the heavy part about?
3
SPEAKER_00
Heavy breathing?
3
SPEAKER_02
Isn t it?
3
SPEAKER_02
Ooh, I think that s it.
3
SPEAKER_02
It is.
4
SPEAKER_02
And then it should be called hot and panting.
4
SPEAKER_00
Hot and breathy.
4
SPEAKER_02
Ew.
4
SPEAKER_00
I like hot and heavy.
4
SPEAKER_00
You don t like that term?
4
SPEAKER_02
Is it like bodies are heavy on top of each other?
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, they can be, Monica.
4
SPEAKER_02
I know.
4
SPEAKER_00
Especially if you re with a big boy.
4
SPEAKER_02
Well, I guess that s true.
4
SPEAKER_00
Or even a medium-sized boy, really.
4
SPEAKER_02
I mean, a small boy is still probably heavy.
4
SPEAKER_00
Probably heavy, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
Even the small boys are heavy.
4
SPEAKER_00
Boys are heavy.
4
SPEAKER_02
I love chefs.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
Hello, how are you?
4
SPEAKER_01
I m good.
4
SPEAKER_00
I feel like we ve time traveled and we re talking to a young Martha Stewart.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh.
4
SPEAKER_00
The organization of the garments, the many different colors, the good lighting, the hair, it s all very young, youthful.
4
SPEAKER_02
That s a compliment minus the jail time.
4
SPEAKER_00
No, that makes me like her more, actually, that she s a convict.
4
SPEAKER_00
I love that.
4
SPEAKER_01
I just don t want you to have to go to jail.
4
SPEAKER_01
I kind of dig that, too, actually.
4
SPEAKER_01
And she made the best of it.
4
SPEAKER_01
I watched that whole documentary.
4
SPEAKER_01
She did.
4
SPEAKER_01
She has friends with Snoop.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, she ll turn lemons into lemonade any day.
4
SPEAKER_00
Kimberly, where are you at in the country?
4
SPEAKER_01
I m in Los Angeles.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m in Marina del Rey.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh!
4
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_00
Wonderful.
4
SPEAKER_00
Which for people who are not from here is virtually the same distance to Las Vegas for us.
4
SPEAKER_00
If you factor in the drive time.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
You guys are really, really far.
4
SPEAKER_01
I was just listening to the Dave Bird episode and he s in Venice.
4
SPEAKER_01
And then we had a whole thing about the West side of Los Angeles and how there s not a vibe and like, I need to go where the cool folks are.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, come over for a meal and see what you think.
4
SPEAKER_00
Maybe you ll stay, but yeah, I think it would blow people s mind that it s probably 30 miles away.
4
30?
4
SPEAKER_00
But it s minimally a two hour drive.
4
SPEAKER_02
It s like 15.
4
SPEAKER_02
It s not very many miles at all.
4
SPEAKER_01
And then it s four hours.
4
SPEAKER_01
It is four hours.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
4
SPEAKER_01
If I have to go to that side of the world, it s a whole other country.
4
SPEAKER_00
And you just stay on the West side, right?
4
SPEAKER_00
Have you ever gotten drunk at Circle Bar?
4
SPEAKER_01
I have a lot of memories of Circle Bar.
4
SPEAKER_00
What years?
4
SPEAKER_00
Because my very good friend Steve DeCastro, who s a stunt coordinator, he was both the manager there and the bartender.
4
SPEAKER_01
Every time I ended up there, it was like the last stop of the night.
4
SPEAKER_01
So I was never sober walking in.
4
SPEAKER_01
And it was like, who s going to hold my purse while we hit the dance floor kind of a place.
4
SPEAKER_00
I think you described perfectly what state of mind most people are when they find themselves at the circle bar.
4
SPEAKER_00
For sure.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s a great spot.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s still there.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s still alive and kicking, which is good to know post COVID.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yes, I agree.
4
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_00
So you accidentally ended up naked.
4
SPEAKER_01
I did.
4
SPEAKER_01
I ll set the scene for you a little bit.
4
SPEAKER_01
I know you used to live in Santa Monica, so it was in your hood in 2005.
4
SPEAKER_01
I still lived there.
4
SPEAKER_01
You could have been in this situation.
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, I know that I wasn t because I certainly would remember someone accidentally naked, but let s see.
4
SPEAKER_00
Maybe I was on the periphery in a blackout myself.
4
SPEAKER_01
I have been in Los Angeles for like four years, living the dream, trying to be an actor and being a bartender and doing all of the things.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I had met this wonderful guy who later became my husband, who I m still
4
SPEAKER_01
So 18 years in.
4
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
4
SPEAKER_00
That s an eternity.
4
SPEAKER_01
He was at the time going to make a film.
4
SPEAKER_01
And when we first met, we had a month to get to know each other and date.
4
SPEAKER_01
And we kind of hit it off really hard and ended up really attached at the hip.
4
SPEAKER_01
But we knew that there was kind of this expiration date because he was going to go to New York and he was going to be there for six months having this adventure.
4
SPEAKER_01
And it s like, hey, nice to meet you.
4
SPEAKER_01
Maybe I ll call you on the other side, but let s just
4
SPEAKER_00
Little early for me to do nothing for six months.
4
100%.
4
SPEAKER_01
And so we kind of decided that we were just going to have this fun together.
4
SPEAKER_01
And we spent all of our time together.
4
SPEAKER_01
And so as we inched closer to the day of him going and doing this thing, I was like, I want to do something kind of cute and sexy and fun for him.
4
SPEAKER_01
as kind of a going away gift of like a, hey, maybe on the other side, give me a call or just like a good memory.
4
SPEAKER_01
So in my neighborhood at the Santa Monica mall, which if you re from Los Angeles, it s on third street promenade, which is like a huge tourist area.
4
SPEAKER_01
So it is always, especially on a weekend, this happened on a Saturday afternoon, sort of a stupid day to choose to do this in hindsight, but it was full of tourists and it s very bustling kind of thing.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s about 60% German in August on that promenade.
4
SPEAKER_02
God, I used to love the promenade so much.
4
SPEAKER_00
You did.
4
SPEAKER_00
I did.
4
SPEAKER_00
My early days.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I used to go eat that Fat Burger and People Watch for hours.
4
SPEAKER_01
I used to spend all day there.
4
SPEAKER_01
I would go and see like three movies.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
Sure.
4
SPEAKER_00
You had the AMC 7, you had the Odeon, you had, there was a third.
4
SPEAKER_02
There used to be Buddha s Belly.
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh.
4
SPEAKER_02
Do you guys remember Buddha s Belly?
4
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
4
SPEAKER_00
What happened there?
4
SPEAKER_02
It was so good, it got canceled.
4
SPEAKER_00
It got canceled, what were they selling?
4
SPEAKER_01
It was an Asian restaurant.
4
SPEAKER_01
It was so good.
4
SPEAKER_01
It was so good.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s not there anymore.
4
SPEAKER_01
I think it s like a Boa Steakhouse or something now.
4
SPEAKER_01
But I decide to go and I m going to take it like a sexy photo strip in this photo booth.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I m going to put it as like a bookmark in the book that he was reading.
4
SPEAKER_01
So when he opened to the book, then there s just this photo strip of good memories.
4
SPEAKER_01
I planned this whole thing.
4
SPEAKER_01
I went and bought some sort of sexy lingerie.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I knew that this photo booth was here.
4
SPEAKER_01
It was in the food court area.
4
SPEAKER_02
I wish people could know what it looks like.
4
SPEAKER_00
I know, it s right out of an 80s California movie.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s like the epitome of a food court.
4
SPEAKER_01
It was before they redid it to what it is today.
4
SPEAKER_01
And it was like the covered mall, like the Sapporo and the chopsticks restaurant.
4
SPEAKER_01
It was a proper food court.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, there s a hot dog on a stick there.
4
SPEAKER_01
So it was kind of in the back corner, but sort of in the center, all the tables were sort of around it.
4
SPEAKER_01
So I go in, it has a floor to ceiling curtain, a lot of privacy.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s not like anybody s going to know what I m up to, like no big deal.
4
SPEAKER_01
I go in and when you step into the booth, it kind of lights up and turns on, right?
4
SPEAKER_01
So the lights come on and then you have these options that you can choose a border.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I chose these little red heart borders to go around the frame of the pictures.
4
SPEAKER_01
And it was like five pictures you could take.
4
SPEAKER_00
Really quick, are you in a trench coat?
4
SPEAKER_01
No, I m wearing normal clothes.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, okay.
4
SPEAKER_01
The plan is to, with each picture, take off one more piece.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yes, of course.
4
SPEAKER_02
Creative.
4
SPEAKER_01
And kind of strip down to where the last photo is sort of like all the good naked bits.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yes, wonderful.
4
SPEAKER_01
Timing wise, you gotta be quick.
4
SPEAKER_00
You gotta be on your toes.
4
SPEAKER_01
Thank you for saying that, Monica, because I, like you, am a planner of things.
4
SPEAKER_01
And so I get in there and I m like, where s the camera?
4
SPEAKER_01
How long do I have?
4
SPEAKER_01
I got to rehearse this.
4
SPEAKER_01
I have to sort of figure out where to put my body.
4
SPEAKER_01
Cause like, if you want to get the good stuff pushed up to the camera, you re kind of having to like get in weird positions.
4
SPEAKER_01
Now this wasn t X rated.
4
SPEAKER_01
It was kind of like a soft R rating kind of a photo shoot.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m not going for hustler.
4
SPEAKER_01
It was more like a Playboy situation.
4
SPEAKER_00
Tasteful.
4
SPEAKER_00
Elegant.
4
SPEAKER_01
classy yes wanting to like channel the inner Pamela Anderson and so I took the time to rehearse and then when I was ready I went ahead and pressed start it was great happened fast but I was like bam bam bam and got all of the poses get dressed I come out looking totally normal and I have to stand outside for a little bit waiting for those pictures to print so as I m standing I m kind of noticing like a lot of people looking at me right
4
SPEAKER_01
And sort of smiling.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I distinctly remember this older gentleman.
4
SPEAKER_01
He had to have been like in his 70s or something that was holding a food tray that just gave me a thumbs up.
4
SPEAKER_01
Have a good day, bud.
4
SPEAKER_01
So I m noticing this kind of vibe, but I m like, whatever.
4
SPEAKER_01
The pictures pop out and I look at them and I m like, do I need to do a retake?
4
SPEAKER_01
Did they turn out OK?
4
SPEAKER_01
Make sure that ink is dry.
4
SPEAKER_01
I don t want to like smear.
4
SPEAKER_01
So mission accomplished.
4
SPEAKER_01
They re cute.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m happy.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I m like, OK, we did it.
4
SPEAKER_01
feeling myself, I m gonna go get myself some lunch.
4
SPEAKER_01
Great.
4
SPEAKER_01
Walk over to the Sapporo, get myself a slice of pizza.
4
SPEAKER_01
Guy at the counter is just like, hey, very smiley, kind of flirty.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I m like, hey, cool.
4
SPEAKER_01
I got a vibe today.
4
SPEAKER_01
Like, this is good.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I go and sit down to eat my pizza.
4
SPEAKER_01
And while I m doing that, this group of three girls goes into the booth.
4
SPEAKER_01
Don t think anything of it.
4
SPEAKER_01
But as they walk in, that moment where the lights turn on, the entire backside of the photo booth
4
SPEAKER_01
from ceiling to floor turns into a screen that live streams everything happening in the building.
4
SPEAKER_02
Why don t they warn you?
4
SPEAKER_00
Listen, I knew it would anger you, so I didn t leap ahead.
4
SPEAKER_00
But I do remember that photo booth had a screen.
4
SPEAKER_02
Most don t, though.
4
SPEAKER_00
I often see what s being taken inside on a little LCD screen.
4
SPEAKER_02
Well, Rob s shaking his head, too.
4
SPEAKER_00
That rings a bell for you as well.
4
SPEAKER_02
Nowadays, the new ones, because then you re emailing to yourself and stuff.
4
SPEAKER_02
But the old school ones, I ve never seen that.
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, Santa Monica Place Food Court had the highest of technology.
4
SPEAKER_01
they did at the time and it just looks like an ad and then you get in and the ad turns to live stream.
4
SPEAKER_01
And so my rehearsal.
4
SPEAKER_01
Practicing of poses.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh no.
4
SPEAKER_01
Pushing up towards the camera.
4
SPEAKER_01
The whole performance.
4
SPEAKER_01
As I m watching these girls in there kind of giggling and doing their poses.
4
SPEAKER_01
I mean the blood just drops and you re eating your pizza and you re still
4
SPEAKER_00
I gotta say, if I were there, cause in 95, I guess I was 30.
4
SPEAKER_00
If I was there and then I witnessed this entire thing, first of all, I d be like, I am so horny for this person.
4
SPEAKER_00
Obviously that would be my first reaction.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then I would go, Oh God.
4
SPEAKER_00
And she s going to sit down and eat pizza.
4
SPEAKER_00
So this was a bit of a performance.
4
SPEAKER_00
I would start thinking there s like an exhibitionism going.
4
SPEAKER_00
I would just ask what s happening.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
I feel like if you were to have seen me in the moment of recognition, you wouldn t have had that thought.
5
SPEAKER_03
It would have cleared up any of those thoughts.
5
SPEAKER_00
A hundred percent.
5
SPEAKER_00
I saw it.
5
SPEAKER_00
And then I could feel other people looking at me like watching that I had figured it out.
5
SPEAKER_00
Oh, that s the worst part.
5
SPEAKER_00
I don t even know what happened.
5
SPEAKER_00
I left my body and I picked up my lunch tray and I put it in the trash and I head down, walked out to my car.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I just remember sitting in the parking garage in my car like, do I
5
SPEAKER_00
Right.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I just hysterically alone in my car was laughing so hard.
5
SPEAKER_00
I was crying.
5
SPEAKER_00
I just like, what can you do?
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_03
I talk about this moment all the time.
5
SPEAKER_03
It s from the wrestler.
5
SPEAKER_03
Like when we get truly embarrassed, that uncontrolled laughter, I relate so much.
5
SPEAKER_03
Oh, I love that story.
5
SPEAKER_01
That was great.
5
SPEAKER_03
I m furious I wasn t at the mall that day.
5
SPEAKER_01
You might have just missed her.
5
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, if I had been banging down a hot dog on a stick and then that was happening.
5
SPEAKER_03
Oh, did you tell your, I guess he wasn t your boyfriend yet, but did you tell him what had happened when you gave him the strip?
5
SPEAKER_00
I couldn t not tell him.
5
SPEAKER_00
This story has kind of gone down in our history.
5
SPEAKER_00
We still have the photos.
5
SPEAKER_00
Oh, amazing.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m not going to show you.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_03
You had to be at the mall for that.
5
SPEAKER_00
It ended up being really great because probably that experience on top of just us and he ended up calling about three weeks later saying, I don t want to make this movie without you.
5
SPEAKER_00
Will you come to New York?
5
SPEAKER_00
And you went.
5
SPEAKER_00
I did.
5
SPEAKER_00
I quit my job and I went and I actually worked on his movie like behind the scenes.
5
SPEAKER_03
You re still together.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
Amazing.
5
SPEAKER_00
Me cute.
5
SPEAKER_03
What a me cute.
5
SPEAKER_00
Sort of.
5
SPEAKER_03
No, it s not really a me cute.
5
SPEAKER_01
Anytime there s love, it s a me cute.
5
SPEAKER_03
I think you just mean it s cute.
5
SPEAKER_01
No, it was a me cute.
5
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
5
SPEAKER_03
Well, Kimberly, what a great story.
5
SPEAKER_03
Thank you so much for telling that.
5
SPEAKER_03
That s a unique version of this.
5
SPEAKER_00
If you ever need to take some sexy pictures.
5
SPEAKER_00
I mean, it s the trend now to just do it with your phone, but careful of the photobooth.
5
SPEAKER_03
I m nervous of like some exhibitionists now running down to that photobooth putting on a show.
5
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_03
Because that s kind of my thought right now is like, I should go in there.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s probably not the first time that photobooth stopped.
5
SPEAKER_03
All right, well, great meeting you, Kimberly.
5
SPEAKER_03
Thank you so much.
5
SPEAKER_00
Thank you.
5
SPEAKER_00
Can I just tell you how much I absolutely love you guys?
5
SPEAKER_00
I know everyone does that, and I promised I wouldn t geek out, but I ve been an armchair since the beginning.
5
SPEAKER_00
I actually heard you, Dax, on Anna Faris s podcast.
5
SPEAKER_00
Oh, right.
5
SPEAKER_00
Oh, wow.
5
SPEAKER_00
Which brought me to you guys.
5
SPEAKER_00
Oh.
5
SPEAKER_00
You re my ride-or-die now, and I listen to every episode, and I learn so much.
5
SPEAKER_00
It is not out of the norm for me to pause an episode and go and ask Siri what a word means that you guys have used.
5
SPEAKER_00
Sometimes we make up words.
5
SPEAKER_03
Sure, I bet a lot of times Siri s like, that s not a word, Kimberly.
5
SPEAKER_00
Which is also really fun, but no, I, so you ve expanded my vocabulary, but also my worldview.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I think you re wonderful and amazing.
5
SPEAKER_03
Thank you.
5
SPEAKER_03
And by the way, we love hearing that.
5
SPEAKER_03
That makes us so happy.
5
SPEAKER_03
We sit in this little room.
5
SPEAKER_03
We know people are listening, but obviously to get to meet them, we love every time.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, very special.
5
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
5
SPEAKER_00
We love you.
5
SPEAKER_00
And it s so exciting to be in the attic and like a teeny little way.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I get to see the full dog picture, which I ve only seen blips of.
5
SPEAKER_03
It delivers, right?
5
SPEAKER_03
It s a regal beast.
5
SPEAKER_00
It is.
5
SPEAKER_03
All right.
5
SPEAKER_03
Great meeting you.
5
SPEAKER_00
Great meeting you guys.
5
SPEAKER_03
All right.
5
SPEAKER_03
Take care.
5
SPEAKER_01
Oh, those were fun.
5
SPEAKER_03
Oh, they were really fun.
5
SPEAKER_03
Accidentally naked.
5
SPEAKER_01
You ate a lot of hot dogs on sticks.
5
SPEAKER_03
Well, I didn t eat food at restaurants for 10 years cause I was broke.
5
SPEAKER_03
But once in a blue moon, I would splurge and go get a hot dog on a stick and or a cheese on the stick, which they have too.
5
SPEAKER_01
Is it covered in a crust?
5
SPEAKER_03
It s a corn dog.
5
SPEAKER_01
It s a corn dog on a stick.
5
SPEAKER_03
And a corn cheese, if we could call it that.
5
SPEAKER_01
Fried cheese and a corn crust.
5
SPEAKER_03
Yes, have you ever had that?
5
SPEAKER_01
I think we had it at Disney.
5
SPEAKER_01
That was good.
5
SPEAKER_03
The best ones are at Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio.
5
SPEAKER_01
I just thought about you looking so young and just like walking down the promenade with your hot dog on a stick.
5
SPEAKER_03
I was on the promenade a lot because I was unemployed and I was young and I didn t have money to do stuff.
5
SPEAKER_03
So yeah, I went there to get entertained.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I went there a lot too in my early days.
5
SPEAKER_01
But you would have already been on television by then, so you probably weren t there anymore.
5
SPEAKER_03
My friend Tim Lovestead and I would always go to that Fatburger to write sketches.
5
SPEAKER_03
Do you know the Fatburger?
5
SPEAKER_03
Up towards Wilshire.
5
SPEAKER_03
And then there was also a, God, what was my favorite store?
5
SPEAKER_03
It wasn t J.Crew, what s one that s adjacent to that?
5
SPEAKER_03
And it s a sister to, there was like a male and a female version of the stores.
5
SPEAKER_01
Andy Melville, Zara.
5
SPEAKER_03
Not Banana Republic, but Structure.
5
SPEAKER_01
Do you know Structure?
5
SPEAKER_03
And Structure had a sister store that you would know, the female version of it.
5
SPEAKER_03
But I used to go to Structure and just covet these, like, corduroy.
5
SPEAKER_03
Express?
5
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, I think it might be Express s sister.
5
SPEAKER_03
Oh, wow.
5
SPEAKER_03
Is it?
5
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, Express.
5
SPEAKER_01
Wow!
5
SPEAKER_01
Express.
5
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, so they had, like, approachable clothes.
5
SPEAKER_03
Like, if I was gonna get an item every six months, I could.
5
SPEAKER_03
And they had these really cool corduroy pants I liked a lot.
5
SPEAKER_03
Wow.
5
SPEAKER_03
And they had sweaters.
5
SPEAKER_03
So how do you fat burger people watch?
5
SPEAKER_03
And then I just swing through structure and dream of dream about some outfits.
5
SPEAKER_03
That s where I fought the cowboys.
5
SPEAKER_01
Oh, I definitely saw her, but not that day.
5
SPEAKER_03
I know she and I moved the same year.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
That s crazy.
5
SPEAKER_01
I was graduating high school.
5
SPEAKER_03
Oh, thanks for the reminder.
5
SPEAKER_03
All right.
5
SPEAKER_01
Love you.
5
SPEAKER_01
Love you.
5
SPEAKER_03
Do you wanna sing a tune or something, or a theme song?
5
SPEAKER_03
Oh.
5
SPEAKER_03
Okay, great.
5
SPEAKER_02
We don t have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go.
5
SPEAKER_02
We re gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we ll get some suggestions on the fly, right?