1
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 be incredibly jealous of their partners.
1
SPEAKER_03
There's a difference between jealousy and pathological jealousy.
1
SPEAKER_03
There's two different things, okay?
1
SPEAKER_03
So jealousy's normal.
1
SPEAKER_03
We are a, actually, we're a pair-bonded species, we human beings.
1
SPEAKER_03
We pretty much are about generally, normatively, have sex with one person.
1
SPEAKER_03
People are like, no, that person cheated on me.
1
SPEAKER_03
I said, yeah, they were only having sex with them.
1
SPEAKER_03
They weren't having sex with you.
1
SPEAKER_03
They were still sexually monogamous.
1
SPEAKER_00
 at that moment.
1
SPEAKER_03
They weren't banging you, they were banging someone else.
1
SPEAKER_03
You were on paper in a relationship with them, you went to the same home, but their sex was with someone else, okay?
1
SPEAKER_03
But we tend to be pair-bonded, we tend to be monogamous, all right?
1
SPEAKER_03
So jealousy is a threat to that, think of it Darwinianly, right?
1
SPEAKER_03
If I'm in a relationship and a threat comes in, right, normal jealousy is that sort of evolutionary jealousy, right?
1
SPEAKER_03
 I'm with a person, if somebody comes in as a threat to that relationship, I've lost the resources and support for our offspring, right?
1
SPEAKER_00
That's all the Darwinian stuff.
1
SPEAKER_00
Movie production.
1
SPEAKER_00
Pathological jealousy.
1
SPEAKER_03
Pathological jealousy, though.
1
SPEAKER_03
That starts getting into the realm of things like paranoia.
1
SPEAKER_03
Oh, my God.
1
SPEAKER_03
 And negative mood states and all the like jealousy doesn't feel good.
1
SPEAKER_03
But it I always when I've worked with couples like I'm jealous I'm like that's good that means you still got a skin in the game like because when people I've been with people worked with couples and Or worked with individuals and I'll say I'm not even jealous when people notice my husband I kind of feel sad because I'm like, yeah, this thing this thing's kind of oh god.
1
SPEAKER_00
I ain't it done I feel like yeah, I don't feel jealous.
1
SPEAKER_00
I feel like I
1
SPEAKER_00
 I trust the person I'm with.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, but that's what we're talking about, pathological jealousy, right?
1
SPEAKER_03
So I think of my partner.
1
SPEAKER_03
Ironically, on my drive here, he was talking about something and about this woman who I knew we were gonna see who had hit on him.
1
SPEAKER_03
And this dude is so loyal, it levels it to a whole new level.
1
SPEAKER_03
And I remember thinking in the driver, I'm like, I got that little funny thing in my tummy.
1
SPEAKER_03
And I'm like, huh?
1
SPEAKER_03
He doesn't even live in this country.
1
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And so I'm thinking, and I was like, that's good.
1
SPEAKER_03
 that's good that I'm still feeling like that.
1
SPEAKER_03
I still got a dog in the fight.
1
SPEAKER_03
I care.
1
SPEAKER_00
But it doesn't mean you're like, for days, letting it stress you out and like talking to him about it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Only because we're talking about it here.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, of course, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so the, what did you say it was?
1
SPEAKER_03
Paranoid, the pathological jealousy.
1
SPEAKER_00
Pathological jealousy.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_03
That's a narcissistic thing.
1
SPEAKER_03
It's more paranoid, it's more antagonistic, it's more about.
1
SPEAKER_00
You must be doing something.
1
SPEAKER_03
You're doing stuff that's accusatory, it's almost delusional.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh my gosh, okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
 What would you say, again, are the main causes, what are the main things that happen to cause someone to become a narcissist?
1
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Is it all trauma-based?
1
SPEAKER_03
No, it's partly trauma.
1
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It's also that temperament.
1
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It is chaos in the early environment.
1
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It's lack of secure attachment.
1
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It's overvaluation of the child.
1
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Basically, the child can do no wrong.
1
SPEAKER_03
 They're so wonderful.
1
SPEAKER_03
I mean, it's interesting.
1
SPEAKER_03
We're about to see something fascinating happen, and I don't know how it's going to go down.
1
SPEAKER_03
We're about to see, because Facebook's coming up on 20 years soon, right?
1
SPEAKER_03
We're about to see the first generation of kids who are born into the Facebook world, with every moment being documented and shared.
1
SPEAKER_03
Since they were born.
1
SPEAKER_03
Since they were born.
1
SPEAKER_03
 this is the first time we're going to be seeing this.
1
SPEAKER_03
So I bless the people out there who are going to start collecting this data because we now have, you know, you're going to see what happens if you were, because I had kids way before this, so I did not, the only people saw their pictures were the people I actually put them in an envelope, mailed a picture kind of thing.
1
SPEAKER_03
Or came over to the house and looked at the actual baby.
1
SPEAKER_03
But this is a whole new game for kids who's
1
SPEAKER_03
 basically were accessories to their parents' lives.
1
SPEAKER_03
Like, look at my child this, look at my child this, look at my child this.
1
SPEAKER_03
Every day there's a new picture.
1
SPEAKER_00
So do you think it's okay to share some of your family life on social media and some of your children's, you know, special moments?
1
SPEAKER_00
Or do you think we should be protecting our kids at all costs and never show their face, never show anything until they're, whatever, 10 or 12?
1
SPEAKER_03
It's a super interesting area.
1
SPEAKER_03
There's some actually really interesting thinking and writing about this, which is these children aren't consenting to this.
1
SPEAKER_03
 Are these children consenting to you showing them have a meltdown?
1
SPEAKER_03
Or, you know, we see all these silly child videos and sometimes I kind of feel a little sadness because these things stay evergreen.
1
SPEAKER_03
They didn't agree to that.
1
SPEAKER_03
And as much as we say, oh no, it's so cute, they didn't consent.
1
SPEAKER_03
It's a vulnerability, right?
1
SPEAKER_03
So there's some, I know some folks in the developmental sphere of psychology saying, oh, this may not be entirely cool.
1
SPEAKER_00
They're not agreeing.
1
SPEAKER_00
 what happens when the kids 23 and they start going back and seeing all these like things that their mom or dad posted and they're like Huh, that's not really cool.
1
SPEAKER_03
I wish you wouldn't have done that to me But it goes beyond that because even when the child is young There's this sense of things are constantly being done to them without them agreeing to it posing and put these clothes on and do this and let's post you yeah in a public way and that and then the child also gets this sense of their
1
SPEAKER_03
 utility, their importance to their parents is their social media persona.
1
SPEAKER_03
You look so pretty in your dress.
1
SPEAKER_03
You look so cute in your costume.
1
SPEAKER_03
You're wondering, are you costuming your child for Halloween for you or for them?
1
SPEAKER_00
What would you say is the main traits of a narcissist?
1
SPEAKER_02
 grandiosity, really wanting to be the center of attention, this veneer of confidence, being very easily wounded.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, wait a minute, you complimented this other person's whatever it is, they get so wounded, like, well, why didn't you compliment mine?
1
SPEAKER_00
Right?
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, you think that person's attractive?
1
SPEAKER_02
They'll like ice you out.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Wow, so super jealous too or no?
1
SPEAKER_02
Very, but they act like they don't care.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, you wanna do, go ahead.
1
SPEAKER_02
I don't care.
1
SPEAKER_00
Like passive aggressive jealous or something, right?
1
SPEAKER_02
Very passive aggressive, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Huh.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Any other signs that people should look out for if they're like starting to date someone, they're like, huh, this seems very narcissistic.
1
SPEAKER_02
I think that Jekyll and Hyde quality that, you know, one minute you're like this and the next minute you are incredibly cruel.
1
SPEAKER_02
You can be incredibly warm and loving and incredibly cruel.
1
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And the two, you toggle between the two in a way that is frightening.
1
SPEAKER_00
 It's like a split personality, huh?
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, yeah, but it's not because the narcissist is doing the thing you reel them in the narcissist reels the person in with the charm the charm seduction You are the center of the universe and then oh, oh you're getting too close to me.
1
SPEAKER_02
So I'm gonna be cruel.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh
1
SPEAKER_00
 So it's interesting, so it's like if you're with someone who's showing these traits and they're just wowing you and they're so nice and loving and grandiose, but then if you truly open up and you wanna get to know their heart, that's when they start to do other things or what happens then?
1
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 If you get too close to them.
1
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Either you're being too intimate with them, although they want you to be somewhat intimate with them so they know how to use it against you.
1
SPEAKER_00
So they can manipulate you.
1
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Then I will use it against you in the moment when you are most vulnerable.
1
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Or they don't want you to know too much about them.
1
SPEAKER_02
They hide their vulnerabilities.
1
SPEAKER_02
They don't know how to get authentically close to another person.
1
SPEAKER_00
 Why does someone become a narcissist?
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, that's, you know, I think so many people, anybody who's had experience with someone like that wants to know that.
1
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And you'll see that, you know, this is when we talk about we marry our unfinished business, right?
1
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So it's the person who grew up feeling very, they didn't get their needs met.
1
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They didn't get, you know, they were either neglected
1
SPEAKER_02
 Or they grew up with a narcissistic parent.
1
SPEAKER_02
So what do we do with parents who don't meet our needs?
1
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On the one hand, we rebel against them.
1
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We say, I'm not going to be like that.
1
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I'm not going to choose someone like that.
1
SPEAKER_02
So the narcissist doesn't choose another narcissist.
1
SPEAKER_02
If the narcissist grew up with a narcissistic parent, they don't choose another narcissist.
1
SPEAKER_02
They choose someone like the other parent who was with the narcissistic parent.
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 Then what they do is they take on the traits of the narcissistic parent now Why do they do that even though they were so injured by that kind of parent?
1
SPEAKER_02
It's like it's like the person who grew up with an alcoholic parent why or a person who like couldn't self-regulate Why do they become the angry yeller even though their parent was the angry yeller and they said I would never do that How do you get close to a parent who couldn't get close to you you become a?
1
SPEAKER_02
 Like them, that's your connection to them.
1
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This is completely outside of your awareness.
1
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You don't realize that.
1
SPEAKER_02
But we still, the wish never dies that we can be close to our parents.
1
SPEAKER_02
The wish never dies.
1
SPEAKER_02
So what do we do if we don't process this?
1
SPEAKER_02
If we process it, then we know, okay, I have to watch out for that.
1
SPEAKER_02
I have to find another way to grieve what I didn't get growing up.
1
SPEAKER_02
 I have to really go through that grief process.
1
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And I'm going to have that loss is going to live with me, but it's going to live with me in a way that isn't so sharp.
1
SPEAKER_02
So you really have to grieve it.
1
SPEAKER_02
But if you don't grieve it, you repeat it.
1
SPEAKER_00
You take on the trait of one of your parents.
1
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You take on their traits because that helps you feel close to them.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh, I'm going to feel close to you in this way.
1
SPEAKER_02
This is not in your conscious awareness.
1
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
1
SPEAKER_02
 And then people don't realize it.
1
SPEAKER_02
They think, oh my gosh, one day someone says to them, you are exactly like your mom, your dad.
1
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And they go, oh my God, I am.
1
SPEAKER_02
Right, if they can get past sort of like the narcissistic protection.
1
SPEAKER_00
If they can hear it.
1
SPEAKER_00
I'm not like my parents.
1
SPEAKER_02
No, I'm not like them at all.
1
SPEAKER_02
I'm not like them at all.
1
SPEAKER_02
Like if you could take a videotape of a scene from your childhood and you take a videotape of how you're acting now with your own child, you would be stunned.
1
SPEAKER_00
 So how does someone, okay, they've realized maybe there's narcissistic traits or it's a full-on narcissist that they're in a relationship with.
1
SPEAKER_00
What are the next steps they should take?
1
SPEAKER_00
Is there a way to actually, I mean, you can't really change someone in a relationship, what I'm trying to say.
1
SPEAKER_00
No matter what you do, the person's not gonna change, right?
1
SPEAKER_00
 So do you need to change in order for them to change, or is it just if you're someone who's diagnosed narcissist, there's no hope for actually healthy growth in the relationship?
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, someone who has narcissistic traits generally doesn't come to therapy because they don't think they have a problem.
1
SPEAKER_00
Right.
1
SPEAKER_00
They're like, no, I'm good.
1
SPEAKER_02
Right.
1
SPEAKER_02
So how they come in is they're having some relational difficulty.
1
SPEAKER_00
Right.
1
SPEAKER_02
And the relational difficulty is either they're coming in for couple's therapy because
1
SPEAKER_02
 the other person drag them there.
1
SPEAKER_02
So often we say that the reason that people come to therapy is to deal with the people who won't go to therapy.
1
SPEAKER_02
You're coming to therapy to deal with the person in your life who won't come to therapy.
1
SPEAKER_00
It's funny, the three previous relationships I was in, I was like, we need therapy.
1
SPEAKER_00
We're getting to the point where I was like,
1
SPEAKER_00
 something's not working here, let's go to therapy and try to work this through.
1
SPEAKER_00
None of my partners wanted to go to therapy.
1
SPEAKER_00
They resisted, resisted, resisted, and I was like, we're not figuring it out on our own.
1
SPEAKER_00
I'm trying, you're trying, it's not working, let's go, let's have someone look at it.
1
SPEAKER_00
No, it was like so much resistance.
1
SPEAKER_00
I was just like.
1
SPEAKER_02
 Right.
1
SPEAKER_02
And so in that in that case, not saying they're all narcissists, but no, no, no.
1
SPEAKER_02
So I'm not even talking about so.
1
SPEAKER_02
So, well, let me differentiate.
1
SPEAKER_02
So there's if a narcissistic person, meaning diagnosed narcissistic or even people with narcissistic traits, they tend not to come on their own to therapy unless
1
SPEAKER_02
 they actually agree to come in couples, and they're coming because their partner is making them come.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yes, that's the only reason.
1
SPEAKER_02
Or, and then you kind of see like how flexible are they with their story, right?
1
SPEAKER_02
Because everybody's coming in with their story, both people, both people need to be.
1
SPEAKER_02
Their perspective, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
Right.
1
SPEAKER_02
The other reason, like in maybe you should talk to someone, John, right, when I talk about him, he's this guy who's in his 40s, he's married, he has some kids, and
1
SPEAKER_02
 He is incredibly insulting to me from the minute he walks in the door.
1
SPEAKER_02
Everybody else is the problem.
1
SPEAKER_02
In fact, the chapter is called Idiots because he says everybody else is an idiot.
1
SPEAKER_02
Why aren't people as smart as he is?
1
SPEAKER_02
Why aren't people as competent as he is?
1
SPEAKER_02
Why can't people do things right?
1
SPEAKER_02
And he's like the beleaguered victim.
1
SPEAKER_02
 You see that sometimes, right?
1
SPEAKER_00
I'm so talented and smart, I'm the victim, because no one else.
1
SPEAKER_02
I'm the victim of all these other people are causing so much anxiety in my life.
1
SPEAKER_02
Like, why aren't they doing things the way that they should be done?
1
SPEAKER_02
Why are they complaining about all these things?
1
SPEAKER_02
Not realizing that he's the one doing the complaining.
1
SPEAKER_00
About every day, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
Right, right.
1
SPEAKER_02
You know, we call it complaining from the victim position.
1
SPEAKER_02
You know, or being offended from the victim position.
1
SPEAKER_02
You know, everybody else is the problem.
1
SPEAKER_02
 Or the reason that people are cruel to another person is they say, you know, like I was the victim so I can hurt you twice as much.
1
SPEAKER_02
So if you hurt me, I have a right to hurt you.
1
SPEAKER_02
No.
1
SPEAKER_02
Right, right.
1
SPEAKER_02
I'm doing this to protect myself.
1
SPEAKER_02
No.
1
SPEAKER_02
So when John came in, he was, you know, you very much say, a lot of people would say, I don't want to treat somebody like that because I don't know how much progress they're going to make.
1
SPEAKER_02
 because if they can't self-reflect, you have to be able to see yourself.
1
SPEAKER_02
In the book, I talk about the difference between idiot compassion and wise compassion.
1
SPEAKER_02
So idiot compassion is what we do with our friends.
1
SPEAKER_02
So your friends say like, listen to what my partner did, or my mom, or my kid, or my sibling, or whatever it is.
1
SPEAKER_02
And we say, yeah, that's terrible.
1
SPEAKER_02
You're right.
1
SPEAKER_02
How dare they?
1
SPEAKER_02
You're right.
1
SPEAKER_02
They're wrong.
1
SPEAKER_02
We just back them up blindly because we think we're being supportive.
1
SPEAKER_02
 But if you actually listen to your friends over time, you might hear that there's a pattern that they are kind of complaining about similar types of things.
1
SPEAKER_02
It's kind of like if a fight breaks out in every bar you're going to, maybe it's you.
1
SPEAKER_02
We don't say that in Idiot Compassion.
1
SPEAKER_02
So in therapy, what we offer is we offer wise compassion.
1
SPEAKER_02
And in wise compassion, we hold up a mirror to you.
1
SPEAKER_02
 to help you to see yourself in ways that maybe you haven't been willing or able to do.
1
SPEAKER_02
And compassion is the key word here because we're doing it compassionately.
1
SPEAKER_02
So someone who comes in and they're not able to self-reflect, they're not able to see their reflection in the mirror and say, yes, oh, I have a role in this too.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yes, it's true the other person does this, but I have a role in this too.
1
SPEAKER_02
So when you are asking about change,
1
SPEAKER_02
 When people come in for couples therapy, I always give them an assignment before they come in.
1
SPEAKER_02
And the assignment is this, because normally the first thing that will happen if I don't is they're going to come in and they're going to name all the ways that their partner needs to change.
1
SPEAKER_02
And then we get nowhere.
1
SPEAKER_02
So I say to them, I want you to come up with how you can make this relationship better.
1
SPEAKER_02
I want you to come up with what you're going to do.
1
SPEAKER_02
 What are you going to be working on to make this relationship better?
1
SPEAKER_02
Even if your partner never changes and they each have this assignment.
1
SPEAKER_02
So from day one, they come in and even though they may have a lot of reasons that, you know, things aren't working out, that they think are their partner's issue.
1
SPEAKER_02
 Their goal in therapy is to work on the one thing or the two things or the three things that they think they can do to make the relationship better.
1
SPEAKER_02
And it changes the whole course of the couple's therapy because it's not about changing the other person.
1
SPEAKER_02
The magic of this is that they say, well, what's the point of doing it if they're not going to change?
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, first of all, again, going from the me and the you to the us is things are going to go more smoothly.
1
SPEAKER_02
 Because you're gonna be doing something to improve the relationship But the other part of it is and where the magic comes in is you can't change another person But you can influence change in another person absolutely so when you do something differently You are helping the other person to change no one changes because you say I want you to change in this way
1
SPEAKER_02
 That doesn't really happen.
1
SPEAKER_02
They might do it.
1
SPEAKER_02
You know, they might pay lip service to it.
1
SPEAKER_02
It doesn't really last.
1
SPEAKER_02
But if you start changing, if you make it easier, you help them to change by making it easier for them to change.
1
SPEAKER_02
So let's say they really need space.
1
SPEAKER_02
Give them some space.
1
SPEAKER_02
Let's say, you know, you try to control them less.
1
SPEAKER_02
Let's say that you don't engage in the same familiar argument over and over and over.
1
SPEAKER_02
 Maybe you do something kind for them.
1
SPEAKER_02
And then people say about that, they say, well, why should I do something kind?
1
SPEAKER_02
Why should I go first if they would be nice to me?
1
SPEAKER_02
 I'll be nice to them.
1
SPEAKER_02
It doesn't matter.
1
SPEAKER_02
You need to go first because someone needs to do something Someone needs to change the dynamic.
1
SPEAKER_02
It's like a dance and so if you do something nice for them You might notice that they not because it's a tit-for-tat not because they're doing it because you do it's because they feel safer They feel more loving toward you.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, they feel like oh, that's really nice.
1
SPEAKER_02
I really liked that and
1
SPEAKER_02
 Now I actually want to, on my own volition, want to do something nice for you.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
And what if someone says, I'm going to improve all three, five, ten areas that I know can improve and after six months the other person's like, yeah, I deserve all these things and I'm not going to give any more.
1
SPEAKER_00
 then what?
1
SPEAKER_00
If you keep coming back, have you seen that, where people come back to therapy, it's like, okay, I've done this, I did this, I did this, and they're still not happy, and they're still upset, and they're still not shifting in certain ways.
1
SPEAKER_02
 Well, first of all, I think that what they engage in then is what I call the pain Olympics, which is like, whose pain is greater?
1
SPEAKER_02
You know, like, I'm working so hard.
1
SPEAKER_02
I'm working 12-hour days.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, I'm taking care of the kids, or I'm doing this, or, you know, like, I'm doing all of this kind of labor in the relationship, and you're doing all of the... There's no winning the pain Olympics.
1
SPEAKER_02
Like, let's just say that you're both at a 10, okay?
1
SPEAKER_02
You both win.
1
SPEAKER_02
 You both are in pain.
1
SPEAKER_02
You both lose.
1
SPEAKER_02
But you both lose if you keep trying to compare it.
1
SPEAKER_02
The point is, you're both struggling.
1
SPEAKER_02
And what's really interesting about couples is that couples don't tend to tell the other person exactly how they're struggling in a relationship.
1
SPEAKER_02
Instead, they act it out.
1
SPEAKER_02
They act out their fears or their disappointment or their hurt in other ways.
1
SPEAKER_02
But they don't directly say, this is how I'm struggling.
1
SPEAKER_02
 And so if you're in couples therapy, you're gonna start talking about those things.
1
SPEAKER_02
And if you're not, then you're not really doing couples therapy.
1
SPEAKER_02
So, I mean, I think that your therapist will tell you very early on, like, this is the work that we're doing, and this is, I think some people think that couples therapy is you come in, you download the argument of the week, or the struggle of the week, you leave, you come back the next week, and you download the new thing.
1
SPEAKER_02
No, that's like talking to a friend.
1
SPEAKER_02
 There's no point to that.
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SPEAKER_00
What should the point of therapy be?
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SPEAKER_02
The point is that you want to be doing the most of the therapy of couples therapy takes place outside of the therapy room meaning what happens in between sessions so we came in we talked about this you learn something new about yourself and
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SPEAKER_02
 You learned something new about your partner.
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SPEAKER_02
And then we always say insight is the booby prize of therapy, that you can have all the insight in the world, but if you don't make changes out in the world between sessions, the insight is useless.
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SPEAKER_02
So then, okay, you have this insight, you learned something.
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SPEAKER_02
What are you going to do with that knowledge?
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SPEAKER_02
Use it.
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SPEAKER_02
 Like why are you wasting your time and your money coming in here every week?
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SPEAKER_00
You're not gonna use it What's been the thing that you've seen as a therapist?
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SPEAKER_00
where you realized oh, this is something that I have done in my relationships or oh Actually, this is a really good lesson for me because I used to do that and I don't want to do that anymore or Something like that.
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SPEAKER_00
Has there been anything?
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SPEAKER_02
 I would say all of it.
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SPEAKER_00
Really?
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SPEAKER_02
I mean, I think that that's what makes relationships so interesting.
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SPEAKER_02
And people think that it's only happening to them.
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SPEAKER_02
They're like, you only do this.
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SPEAKER_02
You know, it's really interesting that they feel like, you're the only one.
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SPEAKER_01
My friends don't do this.
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SPEAKER_01
Nobody does this.
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SPEAKER_02
Their partners don't do this.
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SPEAKER_02
Or I only act this crazy around you.
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SPEAKER_02
 Right like I don't I don't do this nobody else elicits this kind of response to me Well, of course, they don't elicit that kind of response in you because you're not in an intimate relationship with them They're not bringing up all that unconscious stuff that comes up when you're in that intimate relationship So I think that the good news for couples is that anything they bring in I've seen it before I've experienced probably some of it before
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SPEAKER_02
 And it's so universal, and if people could stop, people can blame and shame.
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SPEAKER_02
 you know, they blame the other person, they feel shame themselves, and then they don't really make progress because they're afraid to really look at these things because they're really uncomfortable talking about them.
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SPEAKER_02
But when they find that, oh, this is just the human condition, and this is what happens when we get scared, this is what happens when we feel threatened, and maybe it's not even your partner who's threatening, but it's something about being this close to someone, or there's something your partner does that reminds your nervous system
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SPEAKER_02
 Something that happened earlier asked like who am I talking to right now?
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SPEAKER_02
Am I talking to the child who had to come up with a way to protect yourself?
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SPEAKER_02
From whatever was happening and it was very effective it was ingenious as a child because you had to you didn't have agency or am I talking to the adult who has agency and doesn't need to use that way of protecting yourself that is actually creating some conflict in your relationship and
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SPEAKER_00
 Thank you so much for listening.
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SPEAKER_00
I hope you enjoyed today's episode and inspired you on your journey towards greatness.
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SPEAKER_00
Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's show with all the important links.
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SPEAKER_00
And also make sure to share this with a friend and subscribe over on Apple podcasts as well.
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SPEAKER_00
 I really love hearing feedback from you guys, so share a review over on Apple and let me know what part of this episode resonated with you the most.
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SPEAKER_00
And if no one's told you lately, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.
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And now it's time to go out there and do something great.