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Bring a little optimism into your life with The Bright Side, a new kind of daily podcast from Hello Sunshine, hosted by me, Danielle Robay.
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And me, Simone Boyce.
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Every weekday, we re bringing you conversations about culture, the latest trends, inspiration, and so much more.
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I am so excited about this podcast, The Bright Side.
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You guys are giving people a chance to shine a light on their lives, shine a light on a little advice that they want to share.
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Listen to The Bright Side on America s number one podcast network, iHeart.
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Open your free iHeart app and search The Bright Side.
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This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol.
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The joy they brought to the nation.
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You re free completely.
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No one is there to destroy you.
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The danger they endured.
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They said my head should be cut off.
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I m John Legend.
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Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Hey, everyone.
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This is Molly and Matt, and we re the hosts of Grownup Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
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It s a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
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like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
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Let s learn about all of it and then some.
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Listen to Grown Up Stuff How To Adult on America s number one podcast network, iHeart.
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Open your free iHeart app and search Grown Up Stuff.
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I don t see successful relationships as relationships that last.
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I see successful relationships as relationships that learn.
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Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world.
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Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow.
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Now, I have to start off by saying I am so excited, I am super pumped, and I couldn t be more enthusiastic right now.
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I m feeling so energized because for the first time ever I get to announce on my podcast that my new book,
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My second book is ready for pre-order.
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It s called The Eight Rules of Love.
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I cannot wait for you to read this book.
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I have spent the last two years pouring my heart out into the process of creating this book.
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Everything from learning from my clients, sitting down and researching cultures, looking at ancient wisdom, studying the modern science on dating, relationships, love, breakups.
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And then trying my best to synthesize, simplify, connect the dots so that you can find guidance on your path.
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So whether you re single, whether you re dating, whether you just broke up, whether you re in a long-term relationship, this book is for you.
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And I know thousands of you have already pre-ordered the book.
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or you ve pre-ordered the audiobook as well which you can do right now and I just want to say a massive thank you if you ve already done that.
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If you haven t you can go right now to 8rulesoflove.com that s 8rulesoflove.com and you will find the link to your country and you can pre-order the audio version, the hardback, whatever you want and when you pre-order today you ll get access
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to my tour dates earlier than anyone so if you pre-order you ll get that access.
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Also I am so excited to announce that our guest this upcoming Monday is none other than Kendall Jenner.
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It s an incredible interview, a great conversation with a new friend.
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I really don t want you to miss this one.
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It s so powerful and I think you re really going to enjoy it.
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So let your friends know, mark the date, save it, subscribe to the podcast today so that you don t miss out this Monday.
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Kendall Jenner.
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So what I m going to do in today s episode is I m going to answer the key questions you ve been asking me about the book and the lessons inside those questions as well.
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So question number one that you ve been asking me is why the number 8?
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Why did I choose 8 rules of love?
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Why not 7?
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Why not 9?
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Why not 52?
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Which by the way was my original proposal but my editor thought that was too many and I think you agree.
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Why eight rules?
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Now, there s lots of different reasons for this, lots of different levels and layers to this thought process.
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The first reason is that we all know that the number eight is the same symbol as infinity.
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And I think when we think about love, we think about it being unconditional.
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We think about it being endless.
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We truly believe that true love, pure love, real love is infinite.
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And so I thought the number eight would be a beautiful symbol for talking about that s the level of love I m talking about in this book.
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In this book I don t just talk about love that we kind of throw around as a word.
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I don t just talk about love as kind of like just something that we speak about randomly.
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I m talking about the purest deepest love and how to access it
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within ourselves and within our relationships.
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Because when Harvard did their 75 year study on human happiness, they found that the quality of our relationships was the key indicator for human happiness.
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And so this book is really dedicated to how can we actually experience that depth of love and depth of relationship in our lives.
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Now, as I dug deeper, I also discovered that the number eight is a symbol of balance, right?
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It s one of the few numbers or the only number that I can think of right now that s actually symmetrical in shape.
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And when we think about a healthy relationship, I think we re starting to understand that healthy relationships are ones where people who are equally individually doing the healing
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are actually coming together to connect.
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And so when you see that balance in the number 8, you see that symmetry in the number 8, it really represents a healthy relationship.
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Even if you look at the number 8, you could see it as two whole circles coming together.
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right, coming together to create something more beautiful, coming together to create something more powerful.
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And then I was reading on numerology.com and it talked about how in Chinese culture the number 8 is considered the luckiest number of all and is purposefully worked into wedding dates, birth dates, addresses and finances.
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Numerology.com goes on to say that in the karmic sense, in a spiritual sense, the number 8 is all about giving back.
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It realizes that its successes are not its alone and will intentionally recognize and appreciate any help it has received.
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Another key pillar to a healthy, powerful relationship that the book will of course dive deeper into as well.
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So that s why I chose the number eight.
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This is the first time I ve ever talked about this, actually, and I don t explain this in the book either.
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So anyone who s listening to the podcast right now, you re getting the real behind the scenes thought process of how this all came together.
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Now, the second question I ve been asked is why rules?
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Why do we need rules, Jay?
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Like, isn t life all about breaking rules?
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Isn t life about getting away from rules?
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Now, I consider myself a rule-breaker.
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I consider myself someone who likes to rebel, who likes to bend the rules, break the rules.
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Like, that s definitely a part of my nature, my identity.
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I ve always gone against the grain.
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I ve always done things differently.
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So why am I, at this point in my life, writing a book about rules?
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Well, here s what I honestly learned.
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I ve learned through life that you can be as innovative, rebellious, disruptive as you think.
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But there are certain universal rules, universal laws that you just can t break.
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It s kind of like trying to control the weather.
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You can pack an umbrella, you can wear a coat, you can wear the right shoes, but you can t control whether it rains, snows, sunshine, or a blizzard.
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You have no control over that.
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And that s how these laws are.
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They re working.
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off their own accord.
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They exist whether you believe in them or not.
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These rules are there whether you ve seen them written down or not, and you see them across different types of relationships, different cultures, different backgrounds.
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So when I dive into these eight rules, we start to recognize that if they re broken, we keep making the same mistakes again and again and again.
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When you look at relationships that succeed,
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and you look at relationships that fail, it s because you see the ones that are successful are following the rules.
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Now, I also want to define what I see as a successful relationship.
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I don t see successful relationships as relationships that last.
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I see successful relationships as relationships that learn.
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So a successful relationship is not a relationship because it lasted 10, 20, 30, 50 years.
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That s an arbitrary mark.
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That s a random number.
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It could have been the most painful, most unfulfilling relationship for 40 years.
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Why are we just celebrating a number when in reality a successful relationship is not a relationship that lasts long.
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A successful relationship is a relationship that learns long.
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If two people are learning from each other, if two people are learning about each other, if two people are learning about themselves, that s a phenomenal relationship.
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And I think we get so stuck on either lust, like or love that we avoid the key thing that a relationship is trying to get us to do which is learn.
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Your partner is meant to be annoying, your partner is meant to get on your nerves, your partner is going to do things that irritate you, that agitate you in the process to help you grow and learn.
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There is no human on planet earth
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that is not going to agitate you in some way because you re different people you come from different backgrounds so these rules that you ll learn in this book
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are not rules that stop you from doing certain things or encourage you to only do certain things.
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They re not rules like in a rule book.
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These are rules that are existing beyond our belief system.
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And when we practice them, we start to see the power of them.
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And when you practice them, you start to be able to use these rules to improve the love in your life.
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Now the third question I get asked is all about the subtitle because I had lots of different ideas for the subtitle.
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One of them was how to manifest the relationship you want.
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And I started to go backwards on that because I realized that too many people have a prescribed version of who they want in their life.
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They have a long list and they re told the more you manifest it, the more you think about it, the more you re going to attract that person.
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And what I ve found more often than not is that relationships are about discovering someone as opposed to deciding on someone beforehand.
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So a lot of people feel that if you decide on what you want, that s what you ll attract.
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And what I ve discovered from meeting people is that actually when you choose to discover a person, you can then decide whether they re the right person.
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If you try and decide whether someone s the right person or not based on a list, you could say no to someone who could actually be a great partner for you.
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And so actually learning to discover people, learning to actually be curious, learning to actually learn about people, which is the one thing we don t want to do, actually allows us to gain so much more intimacy and connection with that individual.
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So the subtitle I chose was how to find it, keep it, and let it go.
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Because what I found is that love is so elusive to us.
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I mean, when you Google the words, will I ever,
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the predicted number one search result is will i ever find love and now i wrote find in the subtitle
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But in the book, I don t talk about finding love.
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I talk about creating love.
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I talk about building love.
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I think we re so stuck in the pursuit of looking, searching, seeking, finding, that we don t build, create, work, and put in effort.
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The whole culture that we ve been led to believe is find your passion, find your person, find your whatever it may be.
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And really, it s not about finding, wishing, wanting, waiting.
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It s about building, creating, doing.
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And so, in the book, I switch your perspective from finding to creating, and this is a mindset shift.
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This doesn t just apply to love, it applies to life.
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This is a mindset shift that I m trying to create through this book, that I want you to stop thinking about life in the pursuit of finding something, in the pursuit of hoping that it already exists and I m gonna find it.
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Actually, it already exists because you re going to create it.
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And so that switch, if you literally applied that to the rest of your week, if you said, I m not going to find motivation.
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I m not going to look for when I feel good.
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I m going to create feeling good.
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I m going to build feeling better about my life.
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I m not going to look for it.
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I m not going to hope for it.
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I m not going to wish for it.
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That s a mindset shift in commitment to how you live.
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Now, I talk about keeping it.
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I think keeping it is really important because in our lives we sometimes find it easy to find that spark or maybe we don t but maybe you feel some connection but then it wears away.
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You know, maybe it wears away in a couple of months, maybe a couple of years, maybe after 10 years, maybe for some people after a couple of decades.
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Keeping something is a lot harder than creating it, right?
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Creating is easier than keeping.
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If you look at the amount of businesses that are started versus the amount of businesses that last, there s more started than those that last.
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If you look at sports stars, athletes who make a name for themselves,
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And then second season, third season, no one knows who they are anymore.
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If you look at musicians, you have their one hit wonder.
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We have that statement, one hit wonder, because you have that one hit wonder, and then people don t know who you are anymore.
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So starting something is hard, but keeping it going is harder.
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Maintenance is way harder.
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You can build a beautiful building, but trying to keep it beautiful is so much harder.
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The amount of refurbishment it takes, the amount of revamping it takes, the redecorating it takes.
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So I place a lot of emphasis on this book, not just on finding and creating love, but on keeping it.
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On keeping it beautiful, on keeping it wonderful, on keeping it exciting.
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I think the mindset shift here is that we have this belief that everything should just stay the same.
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I loved how things were when we met.
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Our first date was incredible.
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Let s recreate it.
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Our wedding day was the best.
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I wish we were back there.
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Life becomes about reliving old memories rather than building new memories.
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And I think that s one of our biggest, biggest mistakes in life is that we re so stuck in the nostalgia of the past.
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We re so glued to how things used to be.
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when they weren t even that great back then, that we elude ourselves to only trying to recreate memories, not create new ones.
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And that s why I want to talk about how to keep things fresh, how to keep things alive.
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and how to make things feel like they re organically growing.
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And that s the funny thing, right?
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Things are only exciting when they re growing.
1
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Like, you know, when you were a kid, probably, like, maybe your parents had a tape measure to see how tall you were growing, or maybe you were one of those families where your parents allowed you to, like, scribble on the wall above your head, and then they watched you grow.
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And it s so exciting when you re getting a little bit taller or you re growing in classes.
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And what I ve realized is that when most of us leave
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college or if you didn t go to college and you quit before from that point on there s no measurement anymore therefore we don t feel any growth anymore that s why we don t feel we re moving forward up until 18 or 21 or 16 or 18 or 21 whenever you dropped out of school 16 18 or 21 up until that point there was growth in your life there was exams there were tests there were classes there was a new year starting
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after 21 you practically live the same life year after year after year and so if you don t set growth if you don t set new targets if you don t set new organic milestones that s why life becomes boring and that s the same thing that happens after marriage it s the same thing that happens after you move in with someone it s like you lose the next milestone
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When you lose the next external milestone, you have to set new internal milestones.
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When you find that bright spot to help you get through your day, it s powerful.
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That s where The Bright Side comes in.
1
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A new daily podcast from Hello Sunshine that s bringing you a daily dose of joy.
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I m Danielle Robay.
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And I m Simone Boyce.
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Listen, both Danielle and I are reporters.
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We ve covered the news and we know the world can feel heavy, but The Bright Side podcast is a space to have a little fun, to learn something new and get into some friendly debates.
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That s right, join us five days a week to see how life can look from the bright side.
1
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We ll hear from celebrities, authors, experts, and listeners like you.
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Whether it s relationships, friend advice, or figuring out how to navigate life s transitions, we ll talk through it all together.
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Listen to The Bright Side from Hello Sunshine every weekday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
1
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Guess what, Mango?
1
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What s up, Will?
1
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So iHeart is giving us a whole minute to promote our podcast, Part-Time Genius.
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I know.
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That s why I spent my whole week composing a haiku for the occasion.
1
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It s about my emotional journey in podcasting over the last seven years, and it s called Earthquake House.
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Mango, I m going to cut you off.
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Why don t we just tell people about our show instead?
2
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Yeah, that s a better idea.
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So every week on Part-Time Genius, we feed our curiosity by answering the world s most important questions.
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Things like, when did America start dialing 911?
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Is William Shatner s best acting work in Esperanto?
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Also, what happened to Esperanto?
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Plus, we cover questions like how Chinese is your Chinese food?
2
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How do dollar stores stay in business?
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And of course, is there an Illuminati of cheese?
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There absolutely is.
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And we are risking our lives by talking about it.
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But if you love mind-blowing facts, incredible history and really bad jokes, make your brains happy and tune in to Part-Time Genius.
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Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
2
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Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt and we re the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
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It s a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
2
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Like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
2
SPEAKER_02
We re back with season two of the podcast, which means more opportunities to glow up and become a more responsible and better adult, one life lesson at a time.
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And let me just tell you, this show is just as much for us as it is for you.
2
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So let s figure this stuff out together.
2
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This season, we re going to talk about whether or not we re financially and emotionally ready for dog ownership.
2
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We re going to figure out the benefits of a high yield savings account.
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And what exactly are the duties of being a member of the wedding party?
2
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All that plus so much more.
2
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Let s learn about all of it and then some.
2
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Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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This is a huge mindset shift.
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I can t express this enough that keeping something is not about keeping it the same.
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Keeping something is about being open to change.
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Remember this.
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Write it down.
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Keeping something is not about keeping it the same.
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Keeping something is about being open to change.
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Open to change.
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Creating change.
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Choosing change.
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And in this book, I ll share with you how you can practically do that.
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The book is filled with practical tools, insights, work areas, brainstorms, activities you can do on your own or with a partner if you have one.
2
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There s so many aspects to it.
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The third part of the subtitle that people have been asking me about is how to let it go.
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I was like, Jay, how do you let love go?
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I don t want to let love go.
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Or I do want to let love go and I don t know how to.
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And I really thought it was important in this book to address this idea that there s a beautiful Arabic proverb that says, what is meant for you will never miss you and what misses you was never meant for you.
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and to me living with that faith, living with that confidence creates a whole new mindset again in our lives.
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So if you notice the subtitle focuses on three key mindset shifts in life that are required for us to have healthy relationships because sometimes someone comes into our life, teaches us a lesson and moves on.
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Sometimes someone comes into our life
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gives us a blessing and moves on.
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Sometimes someone comes into our life and messes it up and moves on, right?
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And so whether it s a mess, a lesson, or a blessing, it s not something we can control.
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But recognizing the difference between someone giving us a blessing, someone giving us a lesson, and someone giving us a mess, allows us to recognize that each one was designed to help us learn a particular part of that.
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So that s the insight on the subtitles, the title, the number of rules and now I want to answer some questions which I think you re going to really enjoy that I was asked recently about the book from all of you on Instagram as well.
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So one of the biggest questions was why have I written a book about love right now and I d say there are a million reasons.
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Over the last few years all the podcasts I ve done on love and relationships
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All of you have listened to them the most.
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The videos that I made on love and relationships for years, all of you have watched them the most.
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You ve shown me through how you connect and resonate with the work I m putting out that this is a key issue in your life.
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When I talk to people, whether they are upcoming successful entrepreneurs, whether they re established, whether you re just starting out, whether you re working at a company,
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The number one thing I hear from people is just I m dissatisfied with my relationship.
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I m so unhappy that I haven t found someone.
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This seems to be something that weighs on our generation differently.
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It hits differently.
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It s a gap in our lives.
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It s an inadequate feeling.
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It s an incomplete feeling that we experience when our relationships are not fulfilled.
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And so I really believe that it was such an important topic to write about and I honestly have learned so much more about love through writing this book that it has been an honor and a blessing in my life to have this opportunity.
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And American novelist Jamie Maguire said that love is the most overused word in the English dictionary.
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I believe it s the most underdefined.
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We get most of our messages about love from media, from movies, from music, from our parents, and lots of them are either inaccurate or unhealthy, or at best they re limited.
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And Tim Lomas, a psychologist at Harvard, analyzed 50 different languages and discovered 14 types of love.
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I mean, most of us maybe think there are two or three kinds of love, like romantic love, family love, and maybe the way you love your dog or really good chocolate like me.
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But in all of it,
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We re missing a lot of what love is really about.
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So I wrote this book because I wanted to share the eight rules that I ve learned through different cultures, ancient wisdom, and modern science that will help at any stage of your pursuit of love.
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So I want you to have your own definition.
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of love when you read this book.
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I want you to actually understand what love means to you because it means something very different to everyone else.
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And we ve been using everyone else s poorly formed definitions of love to define our own.
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Another question I got recently was, if I just got married, Jay, what s your best advice for me?
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So, if I was to offer one piece of advice, I d say, expect your relationship to change.
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and hope for it to change, and even work to make sure it changes.
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We tend to have this idea that our wedding day is a finish line, we found the one, and the reality is that it s a starting line, not a finish line.
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And the thing is, with a regular run, like in a marathon, you d know the course.
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But with marriage and any relationship, you have no idea what you ll encounter.
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So there s a lot of learning and growth that needs to take place so you can navigate it together and get better at it as you go.
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And so instead of getting married and having a hope or expectation that you and your partner and your relationship will always stay the same, expect to be challenged.
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Expect a fail and try and embrace those experiences.
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If you always orient yourself towards growth, even your stumbles will become ways to move forward.
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So I find out again another life mindset shift.
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We kind of get to this place where we re like, okay, from today, everything s going to be good.
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Like from today, I m going to eat healthy every day.
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From today, I m going to meditate the best every day.
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From today, everything s going to be amazing.
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And the reality is, sure, that s a nice cute mindset to have.
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The reality is I will fail.
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Things will go wrong.
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So if I know that, then I ll be able to pivot and readjust again.
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But if I believe everything s going to be perfect, I m actually setting myself up for a greater downfall.
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Okay, this question was really powerful.
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Jay, what if I just like being alone, I don t want to be in love, I don t believe in it?
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So I d say that you actually have an interesting view of love.
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So when I was a monk and when I became a monk, I thought I d be one for the rest of my life.
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And I definitely do not believe that you have to have a romantic partner to experience love.
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I experienced so much love living as a monk
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within and with my fellow monks that it wasn t something that I now have an issue about.
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Like I think for a long time we re made to believe that if you re not with someone then you can t experience love.
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So in fact one of the greatest forms of love and the most foundational is love for ourself.
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And what I ve realized is love for ourself doesn t come through confidence or self-esteem or self-love, it comes from self-respect.
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You ll learn to love yourself when you respect yourself and you ll learn to respect yourself when you follow up with what you commit to.
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If you do challenging things, if you try something new, if you follow up with a commitment,
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you will start to respect yourself.
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And when you start to respect yourself, you will start to love yourself.
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Love starts with respect.
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Psychologist Karen Arndt says, being alone well is an art form.
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Sadly, as we grow up, we re taught only other people can provide the love we re looking for.
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And that s one of the biggest reasons so many of us feel lonely or jaded about love.
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When people don t live up to our expectations, we feel let down.
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Instead, we can learn the art of being alone and that includes learning how to provide that love to ourselves.
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So someone said to me, Jay, what am I going to learn from this book?
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There are some really practical tools inside this book with questionnaires, with quizzes that are going to help you understand unique parts of yourself and your partner.
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So this includes your fight style, your learning style, how you like to receive love, your values, your purpose.
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All of that is packed into this book to help you gain insights on that.
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Now, another question I got asked is, Jay, what do you think about apps?
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Like, what do you think about the online world?
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Now, when it comes to dating apps, I agree that they can be problematic, but I don t think it s the app that s problematic.
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It s how we use it and how we think about it that causes the challenge.
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So one study showed that more than half of online daters lied in their profiles.
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Also, having so many options at our fingertips can lead to a phenomenon researchers call RELATIONSHOPPING, where we can be more critical of potential partners or put less into relationships because of this perception that we can just swipe to find someone else.
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So several studies show that we make worse decisions when we have more choice.
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And that s what we have to start understanding, that it s less about how many can I get through, and it s more about how deeply can I learn about someone.
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I think when we look at it as swipe left, swipe right, when we look at it just moving on, when we look at it like, oh, there s more options, we actually stop ourselves from creating the investment that s required to see a benefit.
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That said, pretty much all technology, I think it s more about the user than the technology.
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And yes, we have to work harder to use technology to our favor, but there are absolutely ways to use dating apps that are way more healthy, and I talk about them in the book.
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And it requires a clear intention, openness, and a high tolerance for rejection.
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And I think that last part is what is actually stopping us.
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Our ego is so scared of being rejected that we re scared of putting ourselves out there.
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And I think for me, I grew up with a lot of rejection when I was younger.
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So I got used to it and that really helped me recognize how it was a normal part of life.
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And I think we think of rejection as something s going wrong.
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In reality, everyone you look up to, everyone you admire, even people who you see in successful relationships have experienced rejection in their own way.
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And so I really truly believe that being open to hearing no allows us to find that one yes that actually makes a difference.
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And I want to end on one last question, which was, you know, what s something that might surprise you about the book or where the book goes or the direction that it turns in?
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And I d say it s that we so often talk about love like it s so hard to find.
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But in reality, it s truly everywhere.
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Romance is only one type of love.
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The reality is that opportunities to experience it are endless.
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And one of the easiest ways to experience love is to share it.
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Hold a door for someone, offer a smile to a stranger, bring a sick person soup, walk dogs at the shelter.
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Love is always right here, waiting for you.
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You re not waiting for it.
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Thank you everyone for listening to today.
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I am so grateful that you spent this time with me.
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I really hope that you re going to go and pre-order my second book, my new book, Eight Rules of Love.
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All you have to do is go to eightrulesoflove.com.
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I know thousands of you have already ordered it.
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Thank you so much for all that love, but I am so excited for you to read this book.
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I promise you it s going to be a game changer.
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I have so much faith and belief in the work and the research we did to put this book together, and I can t wait for you to have it in your hands.
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I know it s not out till 31st of January, but please do pre-order it right now.
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I m so excited to read it with you when it s out.
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Thank you.
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A new season of Bridgerton is here.
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And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
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I m your host, Gabby Collins.
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And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the tun.
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Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
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Then fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.
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Guess what, Will?
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What s up, Mango?
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I ve been trying to write a promo for our podcast, Part-Time Genius, but even though we ve done over 250 episodes, we don t really talk about murders or cults.
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I mean, we did just cover the Illuminati of cheese, so I feel like that makes us pretty edgy.
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We also solve mysteries like how Chinese is your Chinese food and how do dollar stores make money?
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And then, of course, can you game a dog show?
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So what you re saying is everyone should be listening.
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Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.