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and it s really vexing, your mind is hardwired to go back to what it knows.
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It always wants to return to what s familiar, while resisting what is unfamiliar.
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If you grew up in a house with a lot of praise and parents who say, you know, you re a great kid, you ve got something to offer the world, you re going to find someone who adores you.
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because you ve got so much to offer, you will expect that.
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Unfortunately, that isn t the norm.
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The norm is criticism.
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And if criticism is familiar, not only do we reject praise, we actually begin to criticize ourselves.
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We pick up what we know.
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You know, if you brought up in a house with fast food and no vegetables, you don t go, hey, I need vegetables.
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The mind will always go back to what it recognizes because that s what once kept us alive.
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What we know, like if you have a two-year-old kid, they go, I don t want either, it s got lumps in it, it s the wrong color.
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I only like pink yogurt in a blue bowl.
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But what they re really saying is, I don t know that yogurt with lumps in it.
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And my brain wants what I know because it keeps us alive.
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And that s a fact, the mind likes what s familiar.
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But here s another fact, you can make anything you like familiar.
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And one of the biggest things to change your life
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is to make praise familiar.
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And it can be very simple praise.
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I m a good person.
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I ve got a good heart.
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I think good thoughts.
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You know, I find that one of the most powerful things to do in therapy, and it teaches that a lot in the book, is to think of the words you ve always wanted to hear and to start saying them yourself.
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So... The words you ve always wanted to hear from your parents or siblings.
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Yeah, from anybody.
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So you could say, okay, if I had a great partner, what would they say to me?
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If I had great parents, what would they say?
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If I had a great boss or amazing friends, and it s not really rocket science, what would a great parent say?
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They d go, you re a great kid.
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Gosh, how lucky am I to be your parent?
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What a joy it is to raise you.
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And many parents don t.
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What would a great friend say?
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I love being your friend.
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If there was a template for a great friend, you would be it.
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What would a great partner say?
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You re the one.
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I just love your voice.
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I love everything about you.
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You re so smart.
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What would a great boss say?
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You are indispensable to this company.
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So what we do is you go, well, I haven t got that.
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So we either give it up.
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No one s ever going to give me those words.
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I m going to accept, I ll never hear them.
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And we say things like, I never ask for anything, me.
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Well, what do you then get?
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Nothing.
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But I never ask for anything.
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So I don t expect anything.
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I m in my apartment with my pets.
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I don t ask for anything.
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So we give the need up or we give it away.
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I ve got to find someone out there.
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to tell me these things.
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And that works until there s someone out there that gets sick, or ill, or has their own issues, or they move on.
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But when you decide, hey, I can do that, I can think of what I most want to hear.
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Say it myself, it may sound silly, but it s no sillier than saying, I m an idiot.
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I ve got rocks for brains.
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Everything I touch falls apart.
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That s also silly and deeply harmful.
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So if you decide what you most want to hear and start to go, I matter.
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I m here for a reason.
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I m a good person, I m lovable, I m someone s fantasy dream come true, because you are.
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Someone in the world will look at you and go, oh my God, you re my fantasy dream come true.
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Not everybody, but someone.
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Someone will go, you know your problem?
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That kid keeping you up all night, the partner leaving their dirty pants the floor.
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I love that problem.
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So silly as it sounds.
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Yeah.
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the more we date, I ll bring stuff up and I ll say, we might have like a sensitive conversation.
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And I ll say, I m about to tell you something you re not gonna like.
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Because I m used to in the past saying things that has this terrible reaction in relationships or someone can t handle the truth about who I am or things I do or whatever.
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So I set it up with her, I go, I m about to say something you re really not gonna like.
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And yeah, so I m just letting you know, you re not gonna like this, but I m gonna be true and authentic to me and not walk on ice shelves and not be afraid to communicate who I am.
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And I ll say the thing and she goes,
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That s it?
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She goes, I thought it was going to be something horrible, but I love that thing about you.
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And you re like, really?
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So there s always someone who likes that thing about you.
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Yeah, there s someone who loves your little fatty tummy, who loves your triple thigh.
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I remember one of my friends saying, I saw my wife and he said, her thighs are rubbing together.
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It was the sexiest thing I d ever seen, he said, in my life.
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He said, I was walking behind her in a store and I had to get in it because he said, that was just...
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So sexy, you think, really?
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I thought we wanted a thigh gap, but we re all different.
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But it really helps to think that you ve got something to offer somebody.
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But the minute you start to say, I matter, or I m a good person, I m smart.
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I can contribute something amazing to my company if you keep saying it.
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You see, when you give it up, you accept it s never going to happen.
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And that s such a shame, because it could.
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But when you give it away, you ve given someone else the job of meeting your needs.
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When you say, hey, what do I need?
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I need to feel loved.
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So as silly as it sounds, going, well, I am lovable.
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Someone s going to love me.
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I ve got all the qualities that somebody will find deeply lovable.
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When you say it, it makes such an impact on your sense of self that people do pick that up.
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You know, we all know that annoying thing, you can t find a date.
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And then suddenly you find someone and then you get hit on.
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You think, wow, well, how did that happen?
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Because you re now resonating the feet.
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When someone says, I rang just to hear your voice.
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I just look at your picture.
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I call your phone just to listen to your message.
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You think, oh, someone loves me, I must be lovable.
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But if you can put that into yourself, it lasts forever.
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How do we put that in ourselves when we ve never been familiar with those thoughts and that routine of loving ourselves?
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One of the things I put in the book, which was so important, was something called, Installing Your Own Cheerleader.
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See, a cheerleader only knows how to
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Bank symbols.
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Even when you re losing, when a team loses, their cheerleaders go, oh, you were rubbish.
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Oh my God, you stank up.
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They say, hey, you tried really hard and you were amazing and you ll win next time.
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You know, we just did something in England where we put this into schools.
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We had 500 schools sign up.
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And each class actually created the cheerleader.
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We actually made little toys of the cheerleader they designed.
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And we were showing them how to go from, I can t to I can in just five days, by having a cheerleader that says, you ve got this.
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Your name is all over this.
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No one can do this better than you.
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And so the cheerleader is your voice saying, you can do this.
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And you know what?
1
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It doesn t matter if you win.
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It matters that you loved competing.
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You did great.
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You did amazing.
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And the cheerleader will cheer you on academically, but it cheerleads who you are.
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And we have a critical voice going, oh, you re going to mess that up.
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That s never going to work.
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Why would you even think that could happen?
1
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No one from our families ever had their own business.
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you haven t got anything to offer here.
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And the cheerleader flips on its head and says, you can do it, you can do it.
1
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And we ve had such a great response from those 500 schools who ve said that bullying stopped, children are getting better, they re getting better with each other too.
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And so we should all have a cheerleader.
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So it s very important I put the download in that book where all you have to do is download it and play it.
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And it makes you feel good because, you know, when you re a kid at school and you re running a race and someone is cheering you on, going, you can do it, you ve got this.
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It may be your friend, it may be a parent.
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When you re going for a job and your friends go, hey, I know you can do this.
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But when you can say it, you don t think, oh, who can I call now to be my cheerleader?
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Being your own cheerleader is amazing.
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Because if you look at people who make it,
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Someone like Tony Robbins, they definitely have a chance of going, hey, you can do this.
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Going for a big interview, go, well, you can do it.
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Thinking a big thought, they go, well, why not?
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Of course I can do it.
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There s going to be a lot of people that are going to criticize you externally.
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A lot of people aren t going to be your cheerleader.
1
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Hopefully, some will, and hopefully at different times of life, people will be cheering you on.
1
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But there will be definitely seasons where people will criticize and try to pull you down in negative ways.
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Whether it s...
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negative reviews online or to your face or if you re an athlete, you go into the opposing arena, they re all booing you.
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You ve got to have some type of cheerleader in your mind in order to take that on.
1
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Yeah, because the most important words you will ever hear in your entire life are the words you say to yourself.
1
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And when you have a cheerleader, you understand the truth.
1
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There is nothing that will change your life more than letting in praise, but not letting in destructive criticism.
1
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Constructive criticism is okay.
2
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I just want to tell you, you re always late.
2
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And if only you could be here on time, it would make our life so much better.
2
SPEAKER_01
You could say to your partner, look, I love you dearly, but every time I come downstairs and there s like coffee all over the counter.
2
SPEAKER_01
Could you just rinse out the sink?
2
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That s okay.
2
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But if you can get into the habit of letting in your own praise and other people s while deflecting criticism, it s such a game changer.
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In my years of being a therapist, I ve seen over and over again, I just get people to let in praise and not let in criticism.
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It changes their entire life.
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Why is it challenging for people to let in praise and to receive it?
2
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Especially in today, I feel like when someone acknowledges someone else, they kind of deflect it.
2
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They say, well, you know, I could have done better.
2
SPEAKER_00
I wasn t that good.
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Why is it so challenging for us to receive acknowledgement and praise and do it in a humble way and not a, I know I m the best and look the best and the prettiest and you know, in the world type of way?
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If you say to a little kid, you look so cute, they smile.
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And if you say to a little child, wow, you re a smart kid, they don t go, no, I m actually really stupid.
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You should see the other kids in my class, they re way better than me.
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They let it in.
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We teach people that it s not okay.
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Don t get ahead of yourself.
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Don t be big-headed.
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Don t show off who do you think you are.
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People won t like you if you re better than them.
2
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Don t ever tell anyone what you ve got.
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And so we learn, oh, it s not okay.
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And if we get criticized a lot, it becomes so familiar that we actually let that in.
2
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And the praise is so unfamiliar that we reject it.
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So we find ourselves saying, oh, I wasn t really any good, I just was winging it.
2
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It s like, even in that Spanish expression, nanada, don t mention it.
2
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I go, no, you should really mention it.
2
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When you do a great job and people say, well done,
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You should go, thank you so much.
2
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I m so glad you love my book.
2
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I loved writing it.
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I wrote it for someone like you.
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Don t go, oh, it s terrible.
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SPEAKER_01
Didn t you notice all the spelling mistakes?
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And it s not formatted very well.
2
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It s like if someone gave you a gift and you go, oh, I hate that gift.
2
SPEAKER_01
And if I gave you that cup as a gift, you go, I hate it.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s a horrible color.
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I don t like the writing.
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So see praise as a gift that you wouldn t go, I hate this gift.
2
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Why did you think I d even like it?
2
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and just learn to say, thank you.
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I ve had so many clients just getting them to accept praise and saying, look, you can make it familiar.
2
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In fact, I was teaching a course in London and this girl came up and...
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She was very sad.
2
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And so we did a session and it was really interesting what had happened to her.
2
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And at the end, I said, you know, I m going to get the whole audience to come up and give you a hug.
2
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She went, oh no, no, that s very hard.
2
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I said, you know, it s not hard.
2
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It s unfamiliar, but you can make it familiar.
2
SPEAKER_01
Halfway through she said, Marisa, the cameraman s not in the line.
2
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I said, get in line.
2
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He was very good looking.
2
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I said, you see how quickly you made that familiar?
2
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Being praised, being held,
2
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believing you are worthy of love, you have a choice.
2
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You always have a choice.
2
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Rationalize why you can t have it or talk yourself into having it and always make the second choice.
2
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I can make this.
2
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When I dated my husband, I had a choice.
2
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I m going to make a different kind of person familiar because I knew he was such a good person and a kind person and a funny person.
2
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And what were you familiar with before that?
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Well, you know, I was a headteacher s daughter.
2
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You might call it a principal s daughter.
2
SPEAKER_01
So my dad was very interested in other people s children.
2
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He was paid to be interested in other people s children.
2
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He would give them all his time.
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He was at a hanky-ready.
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SPEAKER_01
He was a really good guy, but he wasn t really interested in us because it was much harder work with us.
2
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And so my thing was, you got to work really hard to get someone s attention.
2
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And that s very common with people.
2
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I ve got to earn love, chase love.
2
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works so hard for love.
2
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And that s not true.
2
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Love isn t to be earned or chased or run after or paid for.
2
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It s just there.
2
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So I had to give up that belief that I got to earn love.
2
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So, of course, I liked men who made me work.
2
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They always had jobs or...
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existing families and some terrible breakup and traumatized children.
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And because of that, I couldn t possibly be the top of the list.
2
SPEAKER_01
You can t expect a father with three little babies to put you first.
2
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But then I realized, oh, this, I m just making... And then, actually, it was when I was dating someone who said to me,
2
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I won t allow you to eat that. 
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I m like, when did you become a head teacher?
2
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And that was a penny drop.
2
SPEAKER_01
Wow, my dad is a teacher.
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SPEAKER_01
Who am I with this person who I can t eat?
2
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And I stopped dating him overnight.
2
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It was very confusing for him, but not for me, because I thought, oh, I m dating my dad.
2
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And of course, I could never have sex with him again when I had that realization, because it s like, wow, that s not very healthy.
2
SPEAKER_01
But I was so glad he did that, told me what I couldn t eat.
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And he wasn t trying to control me.
2
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He said, we re going out for dinner.
2
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He said, you don t need to eat that.
2
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We re going out in two hours to this big place.
2
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He was a big foodie.
2
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I won t allow it.
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And that was, for me, the penny drop.
2
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Oh, I m dating people like my dad and trying to make them give me all their attention.
2
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And life is way too short to find someone like your parent and change the ending.
2
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You got to find the person who changed the beginning.
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So I realized what I was doing is recreating what I knew, someone absent, very preoccupied with their career.
2
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And I was trying to change the ending.
2
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And when I got that realization, I thought, well, I just changed the beginning.
2
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I find someone warm and available who ll put me first.
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It doesn t happen like that.
2
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You have to pay attention to the old habit of going back to what you know.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I could say,
2
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If I was a woman who had a cold, absent, critical father, I m in a bar, I meet a cold, absent, critical, and I think, oh, just clicked like that.
2
SPEAKER_01
I felt like I d known them my whole life.
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It s because their behavior is so familiar.
2
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You want to run towards it when really you need to run away from it and go cold, absent, critical.
2
SPEAKER_01
How about warm, kind, friendly, loving, putting you first, decide.
2
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And it s a choice.
2
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I m going to make that familiar, a good guy, a kind guy, someone who will put me first.
2
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And once you make the decision and you remind yourself of it, it becomes familiar because while our mind likes what is familiar, that is a fact.
2
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We can choose what to make familiar and indeed choose to go, well, no.
2
SPEAKER_01
So when people say, he was too good for me, what they re really saying is, his behavior was so unfamiliar.
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I didn t recognize it.
2
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I ran back to what I knew.
2
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But you have to run away from what you know.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s also like saying, well, this is comfortable.
2
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Why don t I make it uncomfortable?
2
SPEAKER_01
And I make what s uncomfortable comfortable, sitting with it until it s familiar.
2
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I wanna get to that more a little later about the relationship stuff, because I have a lot to share on that, things I ve learned this year.
2
SPEAKER_00
But I m curious on the thoughts and the lies and manifesting.
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I m curious if you think we re able to manifest anything we want, a good relationship, the career, or a new business, or financial abundance, if we re stuck in a negative thought routine.
2
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Is it possible to manifest
2
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and accomplish what we want in a negative thought routine.
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is going to get into one lane.
2
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Here s one lane that says, I want to be a great parent.
2
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But another one says, I want to have a great career, and I can t go into both lanes.
2
SPEAKER_01
But after you can put that lane on, I could have a great career and be a great parent.
2
SPEAKER_01
It takes work, it takes balance, but it s very, very possible.
2
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The problem is the mind is like a missile.
2
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It wants to go there, but it keeps going there.
2
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If it doesn t really know what you want, I want love, but it would kill me to be rejected.
2
SPEAKER_01
I want success, but am I really going to give up all the things I love to be successful?
2
SPEAKER_01
So you ve got to really identify what you want to manifest.
2
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Anything, you have to want it.
2
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And I think people have got very confused.
2
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They go, sit on the chair,
2
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and manifest a great guy.
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, unless that s the Amazon delivery guy, that s just not going to work.
2
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I want a great body, but I m not going to do anything.
2
SPEAKER_01
So to be a manifestor, you have to do three things and you have to do all three.
2
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The first is the easy one, or maybe not easy.
2
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You have to decide you are worth it.
2
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I m worthy of love.
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I m worthy of a phenomenal relationship.
2
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I m worthy of success.
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Even I m worthy of wealth.
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or health, I m worth it.
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And that probably is at least 80% of manifesting.
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And many people manifest with a thought, not really worthy.
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I m going to find love, but they re going to leave me.
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I m going to find wealth, but I don t know how I m going to keep it.
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I m going to have a great job, but it s going to kill me working those hours.
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So your first thought must be, I m worth it.
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But then there s a second part, which is, what does it look like?
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And remember, so I m going to be a millionaire.
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For what?
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I don t know.
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I want a great person.
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What are they like?
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I don t know.
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They ve got a nice six-pack and drive a nice car.
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So the second part is you must really know what does it look like?
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If you don t know what it looks like, how are you going to go after it?
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The mind will go after something it is clear about.
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So you might say,
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I want a really flat stomach.
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What does that look like?
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Well, it looks like not eating so many carbs, not eating late at night, going to the gym.
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If you know what it looks like and you believe you re worth it, you ll have it.
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But then the third part is, after you ve decided you re worth it and you know what it looks like, what are you going to do?
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Because if you really want a six-pack, you might have to do 300 sit-ups a day.
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And if you re not prepared to do that, you don t want it enough.
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So I could say,
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I wanted to write a book.
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Did I feel I was worth it?
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Yeah, I had to work on myself.
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I go, you know, I got a message and I think I can... People tell me I really help them.
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They tell me I change their lives.
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So I m worth putting that in a book.
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What does it look like?
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Well, it looks like I m going to have to... What does this book look... What s it going to be about?
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What s the storyline?
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What am I going to call it?
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Who is my audience?
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Am I going to write what I want to write or what people want to hear?
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So I had to know.
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who is my market.
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And then here s the third part.
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I ve got to sit down and write that book.
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And it takes a long time to write a book.
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And when you ve written it, it takes even longer, as you know, to do all the press, all the pieces for magazines.
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So you can t have one of the two or two of the two.
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And let s say I want love.
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I ve got to believe I m really worthy of love.
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I ve got to really nail in, I am worthy of love.
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I deserve to love someone who loves me back.
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What does that look like?
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I better get a clear idea of the kind of person I want in my life.
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And then when I do, it looks like, where am I going to find it?
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I m not going to find it watching Netflix.
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A lot of people say, yeah, I go to yoga, but there s no men in yoga.
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I go to women s reading groups, where s the guy?
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You know, you have to go to the weight room.
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And the same thing with guys, you know, you re not going to find someone in a bar, but you might find them dog walking.
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You might find them in an IT class.
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You have to be very clear about, I m worth it, I know what it looks like, and what am I going to do to get it?
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Because I think so many people think manifesting is thinking about what you want and sitting on the couch and it s going to turn up, but you have to get out of the house.
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If you believe you are lovable,
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and know the kind of person you want, and put yourself in front of them, you ll probably go home with them for good.
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But you can t just do one of the two, two of the two, you ve got to do all three.
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Yeah, and one of the things I love to do with the action steps, it can seem like, if you re trying to lose 50 or 100 pounds, it can seem like, man, I have to work this hard for a year in order to accomplish this, and you just did a hard workout for the first week,
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and you re exhausted, you re like, I don t know how I m gonna be able to do this.
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And I think if you just really think, I just have to do this one day.
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I just gotta show up today and I m gonna do this seven days in a row and celebrate the week and then do another week.
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And over time, that s gonna really start paying off.
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What do you think about, I love the idea of deciding you re worth it, worth having what you want and that you re worthy of what you want.
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If you haven t learned to heal whatever is,
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a past trauma in your life, are you going to be able to fully manifest without healing as well?
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Or is deciding you re worth it, start the healing process?
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See, if you think you re not worth it, you ll get rid of it.
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I mean, I ve worked, you probably know that 70% of lottery winners are bankrupt in three years.
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Why?
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Because they don t feel they re worth it.
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They didn t work for it.
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They didn t have, I m worth this money.
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What does it look like to have all this money?
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What could I do with it that s so good?
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They just think, wow, I got all this money.
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And what s familiar if you just have a job that doesn t pay a lot is spending the money until it runs out and then next week you get more.
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And so if you don t feel you re worth it, self-sabotage, procrastination, and nothing more than a fear,
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of not being enough.
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And so you stop yourself getting there.
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So if you believe you re not worth it and you find love, you find money, you find wealth, you ll get rid of it.
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And we see that with Amy Winehouse, with Whitney Houston.
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We see it over and over again.
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We saw it with George Michael.
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I always think of him every Christmas because
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He had so much, except the belief, I m worth it.
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And so if you don t do step one first, which is just decide every day, I m worth love.
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I deserve love.
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I m worthy of love.
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Because after all, how could you not be worthy of love?
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Everyone is worthy of love.
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So if you don t do that bit and you just do the other two, what does it look like?
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I ll go and get it.
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But you ll get rid of it.
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And we see people all the time who say, I know what s wrong with me.
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I remember Sandra Bullock s husband saying, what did I do?
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I had this beautiful girl and I messed it up.
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Well, of course you messed it up because you never felt you were worthy of it in the first place.
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So everything else you re going to do to get what you want, if you don t do the first step first, wiring that you re worthy, you ll spend a lot of time getting rid of it, ruining it, destroying it, acting out, sabotaging yourself.
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Are we able to believe we re worthy if we haven t started to heal though?
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Is it, you know, can we just say, okay, I m worthy even though my parents abandoned me and I ve, you know, lost every relationship I ve been in, you know, how do we bridge the gap from starting to tell ourselves a better lie, knowing we re worthy and healing?
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You know, that s such a great question.
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And often in the book, I invite you to go back to imagine any little baby that s just been born.
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They never go, don t look at me.
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I ve got milk spots.
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I ve got these triple thighs.
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I ve got a huge tummy.
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I haven t got any clothes on.
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You know, when I had a baby and I d take her out in the store, people would come and look at her.
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And she d smile her big, gummy smile and kick her little legs with her triple knees.
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And it never occurred to her that she wasn t the most gorgeous thing in the world.
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You know, when you go, I remember that picture of you with your cat, you just got him, it was on your chest going, oh, Lewis, you just want to love me because I m lovable.
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So the good news is every person is born believing they re lovable.
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We know we re lovable as a child because we demand attention, we demand feeding.
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You know, you can take in a random pet, but it will come up and wrap its legs around you when it wants to be fed.
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It doesn t run behind the fridge and never comes out because it believes it s worthy.
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So the good news is you are born certain that you are lovable, convinced you re lovable.
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And then it gets chipped away.
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And then you begin to buy into, I m not worthy.
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I don t have a great education.
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I don t have a six-pack.
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I m not a 10.
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I come from a family, I never had a dad.
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My mom was always drinking.
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And now you re justifying why you re not lovable.
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But the thing is, you need to go right back to the beginning.
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You were born certain that you were lovable.
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So you have to reactivate what s in you
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that s become buried, but you do have to heal it.
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And I think we think, oh, healing is so long.
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What does that involve?
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I ve got to play this meditation tape every day.
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spend hours massaging my own body or looking in the mirror.
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And actually, healing is actually making a decision to think better thoughts.
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No matter where you are in your life, thought comes first.
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Your thoughts create your feelings, which create your actions, which create your behaviors.
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And even your belief is nothing more than a thought you think a lot.
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And I think we think it s, oh, I ve got to change all this.
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Yeah.
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Can you say that one more time?
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Thoughts?
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Thoughts always come first.
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Your thoughts create your feelings.
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Your feelings create your behaviors and your actions, which you justify.
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They ll go, it s like a loop.
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I think I m not worthy of love.
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And that makes me feel very sad and defeated and probably angry and resentful.
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And if I think that thought and feel that feeling now, I act out, I m difficult, or maybe I m very needy or very pleasing, but I justify it because I ve gone back to the thought, I m not lovable.
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But if I change the thought, I m lovable,
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Of course I m lovable, even if I don t believe it.
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If I keep thinking the thought, well, I feel very different.
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I feel optimistic.
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I feel reassured.
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I feel quite confident.
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I feel certain someone s going to love me.
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And now I behave differently.
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I take risks.
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I look people in the eye.
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I speak to them, my actions are different and I justify them by going back to the thought, I m lovable.
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So we re so busy changing the behaviors and the actions and the feelings when all you have to change is the thought.
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You know, it s hard to heal what you don t understand.
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But healing is just saying, I came from a crazy family.
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I came from a place with no money.
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I didn t get a great college degree.
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However, I am worthy of everything I want.
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I can have everything I want with bells on.
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So if you just change the thought, which always comes first, everything else will take care of itself.
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And you know, you own your thoughts.
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You have every right to change.
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And we think a thought, and then we start to make that thought.
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Then we have this confirmation bias.
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If I think,
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Dogs are horrible, yappy creatures that attack you.
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If I think that thought, I feel anxious around dogs, and you can believe the dog is going to pick up my anxiety, and it s going to be yappy, yeah.
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And it doesn t like me, and now I ve got confirmation.
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You see?
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I told you dogs are yappy, snappy, bitey things.
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Look what just happened.
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Babies don t like me.
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If I hold them, they go rigid.
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I always get dumped.
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Everything goes wrong.
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I can never keep a job for more than six months.
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When you think that thought and you believe that thought, you begin to look for a confirmation bias of how that thought is real.
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But confirmation bias can be very good.
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I think I m lovable.
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And now I m going to look for, yeah, well, my grandmother loved me.
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My first boyfriend said I was amazing.
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My teacher said something good.
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So you have to make confirmation, Boswick.
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Think a better thought.
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Start looking for examples of how it s true, because whatever you look for, you will find.
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Whatever you look for.
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You move towards what you already believe, you get more of what you already believe.
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So you got to think a thought and then start looking for proof.
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And even if you can find hardly any, it doesn t matter, still do it.
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And then it becomes true.
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What about people that say, well, how do I know my thoughts come from me?
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How do I know they re not coming from somewhere else?
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But it doesn t matter where they come from.
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That s not important.
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What s important is let s change them.
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So if your thoughts are coming at you or coming from you and they were negative,
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It doesn t matter where they come from, it only matters you think, I m not going to think this thought.
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You know, you can choose to be negative or positive, but you can t choose what it does to your body when you think negative thoughts.
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What does it do to your body when you think negative?
4
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Well, it creates a lot of cortisol, which creates inflammation, which is a precursor to many diseases.
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It makes you anxious.
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It makes you suffer with things like insomnia.
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It affects your digestion.
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It affects, can even affect your metabolism.
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It affects your ability to have joy and happiness on the planet.
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So your thoughts are yours to change.
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And yes, you can pick up other people s thoughts.
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You know, I ve often gone back to London, got in a cab, they go, oh, this country is a write-off.
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Look at the weather.
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And I just said, so I ve got to take a call.
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And I just shut the intercom because I think, I don t want to let that in.
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I can t let in negative thoughts.
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I mean, they re around me.
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And sometimes I ll be in a position where I m hearing really negative.
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I can t hear that.
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I can t let that in.
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It s fascinating because my dad used to, you know, one of our first episode we ever did, I think the title was, Your Thoughts Will Heal You or Kill You.
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And it was one of our most popular episodes.
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I recommend people go listen to it or watch it.
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And I think I might have told you then that my dad would always turn the commercials off when there would be some type of drug campaign or if you re feeling sick, you need to buy this.
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he would always mute or turn the channel, constantly turning the channel.
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Cause he was like, I don t want your mind to be consumed with these negative thoughts.
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And it s something I ve practiced most of my life.
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I mean, I m not perfect, but I don t watch the news still today.
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Like even in the beginning, in the beginning of the pandemic, I remember watching it for like a month.
4
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Cause just like everything was happening.
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And I just said, why am I consuming this?
4
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I can get information and be educated on what s actually happening in the world and be aware and be cautious of what I need to be cautious of, but the constant rumination of these negative thoughts are not supporting my mind, they re not supporting my body, and they re not supporting my actions if I m gonna be living in a fear-based state of mind and behavior.
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So I said, okay, I wanna be educated and informed, so,
4
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I ll get the updated information, but I m not going to get it in this hysterical storytelling, you know, mass media of the worst of the worst.
4
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I m going to get it written down of here s the data, here s the facts.
4
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Be aware, be cautious, but not allow these thoughts to be consumed inside of me.
4
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And I think that s really helped me over these last two years.
4
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Just stay focused on how can I take care of myself?
4
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How can I show up in a loving way?
4
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You know, how can I continue to serve my team, my community, my audience, and not be crippled by these thoughts?
4
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And it s been a great practice that I had as a child that s helped me now as an adult.
4
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But I see so many people consumed by the media in the negative way or taking it in too much and then holding on to that fear.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, and it s funny because when COVID hit, I was in England just moving to America.
4
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And I remember thinking, oh, I don t have any medicine in America.
4
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And I thought, and I went to buy some and everything had sold out.
4
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And I thought, well, what am I doing if I buy all this medicine?
4
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Am I planning to get ill?
4
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And I had a real dilemma, should I buy all this stuff and ship it out to America?
4
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If I m buying all this stuff and all these cold remedies, am I planning to get a cold?
4
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Eventually I thought, you know what, I m going to buy them for other people.
4
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I m going to buy them for when I have visitors in my house, they need a bit of Lemsip, but I don t need it.
4
SPEAKER_00
And sometimes you have to really stop and think, you know, what am I doing?
4
SPEAKER_00
I m buying antacids, I m buying anti-sickness stuff to go on the plane.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m carrying pepper spray or bear spray on my key ring.
4
SPEAKER_00
What am I doing here?
4
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Am I planning to get attacked?
4
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And I think it s okay to have that on your key ring.
4
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But don t expect, oh, I need this, that something terrible is going to happen.
4
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and I d have put on an alarm, but I don t stress about it too much.
4
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So, but you are right.
4
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We sometimes think the most, I m going to get sick.
4
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It s flu season, it s allergy season, it s hay fever season, it s headache season.
4
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I know when I have a kid, it will scream all night.
4
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I know when I have a kid, I ll get really fat and you never get rid of the weight.
4
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I know when I meet someone, it s not going to work.
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We really have to remember, you have the power to make that thought real.
4
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But guess what?
4
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You also have the power to reverse it.
4
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This relationship is going to last forever.
4
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I m going to be a great mom.
4
SPEAKER_00
I ve got a great immune system.
4
SPEAKER_00
My body deals with germs every single day.
4
SPEAKER_00
It really is a choice to just look at your thoughts, update them the way you update your software, upgrade them.
4
SPEAKER_00
But so many of us don t even know what we re thinking.
4
SPEAKER_00
I need coffee to cope.
4
SPEAKER_00
I need caffeine to get up in the morning.
4
SPEAKER_00
I need pills to go to sleep at night.
4
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Well, actually, you don t.
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But if you think that thought, you re going to confirm it and make it real sleep.
4
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will come to you wherever you are.
4
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Your body will cope very well with that caffeine.
4
SPEAKER_00
You re not going to gain a pound looking at pizza.
4
SPEAKER_00
And you do know what full is, and you can stop eating.
4
SPEAKER_00
But so many of us have been so influenced by the media.
4
SPEAKER_00
You know, in America, every third advert is for drugs, for medicine.
4
SPEAKER_00
Because it s saying, you need this.
4
SPEAKER_00
And the same thing for Happy Meals, you need this.
4
SPEAKER_00
No, you don t need any of that.
4
SPEAKER_00
You need to think better thoughts.
4
SPEAKER_01
Well, what about people with low self-esteem or low confidence?
4
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Where do you think that the root of that comes from?
4
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And how can we start to overcome that self-doubt, low self-esteem, low confidence?
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, well, again, I ve never met a baby that was born with low self-esteem.
4
SPEAKER_00
No baby says, I m just not going to try to crawl, it s too difficult.
4
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I can t get that food in my mouth, I ll give up.
4
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I can t quite hit the toilet, I just stop bothering.
4
SPEAKER_00
So the good thing about that is you were not born with it.
4
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Even if you had a horrible beginning and your parents gave you up for adoption and didn t want you.
4
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You know, one of my friends went to Russia to get a little boy and he said, it was so funny.
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So I walked to the orphanage, he ran up and he clung to my legs.
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And he said, and when we left, I said, say goodbye.
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And he just looked at me and said, I m not looking back there.
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He said, even as a baby, he knew.
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And when I picked him up to leave, when I got the adoption, he wouldn t look back, he wouldn t wave.
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He said, I m going that way with you.
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And that s all behind me now.
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And he s an amazing kid.
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boy he adopted because he had a sense of, you know, where he is.
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And he said one day, I said, I m so glad I found you.
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He said, yeah, I m glad we found each other.
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So he s already got that sense of, we found each other.
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I found you, but you also found me and we helped each other.
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So with self-esteem,
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There is nothing on the planet that will build that faster than your own praise.
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We often think, well, I need to lose 10 pounds, get a six-pack, update my wardrobe.
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It s like that Bruce Springsteen, I want to change my face, my thoughts, my job.
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Do you remember that song by Bruce?
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You want to change your thoughts.
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That s all you ever need to change.
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And the thing that will raise and build your self-esteem is praise.
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There is nothing, no shoes,
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No cookies, no candy, no sex, no drugs, no alcohol, nothing that will build your self-esteem like praise.
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And if you knew that to be true, and it is true, then all you have to do is practice saying, I like myself.
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I m a good person.
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I ve got something to offer the world.
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I m kind, I m nice, I m fascinating, I m interesting, I m compelling.
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You can make it as dramatic as you like.
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I m magnetically lovable, or just, I got a good heart.
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I m an interesting person.
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People like me.
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So if you knew that the one thing that could build your praise was free, was immediate, and was in you, why wouldn t you use it?
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And I talk a lot in the book about exactly how to do that.
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Again, the cheerleader.
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the self-confidence.
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People get very confused with, I don t even know, what is self-love?
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Is that rubbing cream on myself, having a little sex aid?
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What is self-love?
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No, it s not that.
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It s looking in the mirror and saying, I m nice.
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The way to know if you love yourself is really three things.
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And the big one is, how do you talk to you?
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Do you say, I m an idiot, I ve got rocks for brains, look at the state of me, I knew I d mess that up.
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Self-love is being kind.
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So the way you talk to yourself, the way you dialogue with you is the big key to self-love.
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So if someone said to me, oh my God, you messed that up, you idiot.
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I go, no, I made a mistake, but I learned from it.
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If someone said to me,
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Yeah, I hate that book.
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I say, well, let me give you your money back.
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I m sorry you didn t like it.
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I think it s a great book, but I m happy to refund you because I m not going to let them make me believe.
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Someone said, I hate your book.
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I would go, my God, they hated my book.
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I d go, well, they didn t like it.
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I like it.
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So I will always talk to myself well, almost all the time.
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You don t have to do it 100%.
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90% is as good.
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The second way of knowing how you love yourself is
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How do you treat yourself?
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Do you eat well?
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Do you hydrate?
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Do you get some people, do you lie on the sofa eating potato chips, staying up all night watching Netflix and knowing you re going to get up at eight and you re still watching something at 4 a.m.?
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Because that s not love.
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People say to me, I love food.
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I m like, no.
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Loving pizza and beer is not love, it s abuse.
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Punishing workouts, that s not love, that s abuse.
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Starving yourself and eating celery juice or drinking Diet Coke, that s not love, it s abuse.
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And the only way to have a body you love is to actually start by loving the one you have.
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So love is, do I really want to eat donuts and Pop-Tarts and soda first thing in the morning?
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Would I give that to a baby?
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Would I give that to my pet?
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So how do you talk to yourself first?
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How do you treat yourself second?
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And once you get into, oh, I m going to love myself, you won t eat doughnuts for breakfast and lots and lots of takeouts for dinner, because you ll think, that s not love, it s abuse.
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The whole dieting industry is based on abuse.
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Hate your body so much that you starve it, make it do the plank when you re not in the mood,
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force it to go running in the rain, and then to go, I hate my legs, I hate my stomach.
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And then the third part is, how do you let other people treat you?
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Do you let them put you down?
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Do you lend them money when you can t afford it?
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Do you go out of your way to give them a lift?
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Are you a real people pleaser?
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If you get the first one right, the other two will click into place anyway.
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But again, you re back into that, I m trying to buy your love.
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I m trying to earn your affection.
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I m trying to make you like me.
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And people like you when you like you enough to say, oh, this doesn t suit me.
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No, I can t have your kids all weekend while you go to Burning Man.
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It just isn t convenient.
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And the other thing about it is don t keep saying, sorry.
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Sorry, I m late.
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Sorry, I m sick.
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Say, thank you.
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Thank you for waiting for me.
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Thanks for being such a great friend.
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Thanks for helping me out. 
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Not, sorry, I m such a burden.
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I m sorry.
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I know I m a pain.
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So when you get to understand what self-love looks like, I dialogue with myself very nicely.
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I treat myself on the whole.
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I can have pizza and ice cream, but I don t need to have four tubs because I m practicing self-love.
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I love a bit of cake, but I don t need the whole cake.
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And now that I love myself, when you say something mean, I can go, oh, I m not going to let that in.
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That s not very loving.
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And it all sounds hard, it s actually incredibly easy.
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when we are people-pleasers and we let other people do things that necessarily we don t want to do, we end up doing it because we don t want to let someone down or we don t want someone upset with us, and then we resent that we did the thing.
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What does that say about us when we are people-pleasing all the time?
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You re putting yourself last and everyone else first.
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And it doesn t mean you should put yourself first, but you should not put yourself last.
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I mean,
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It s fine if you want to drive to the airport and pick someone up at 4 a.m.
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because you love them, that s perfectly okay.
5
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It s fine to lend someone money, to lend someone your car, but if you re doing it to make them like you...
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and you don t really want to do it, you put them first and you last.
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And it really helps to go, okay, is this love or abuse?
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I m lending people my stuff when I can t afford to.
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I m giving people my things.
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I m giving them my time, my money, my energy, when I haven t got it to give.
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So that s not love, it s abuse.
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And if you can look at things, is that love or abuse?
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And always come at love, it becomes much, much easier to get it right.
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In the book, there s a chapter in here where you re talking about how some people will trade one negative addiction for a more socially acceptable positive addiction.
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They ll stop drinking alcohol, but then they re having 10 Cokes a day or something.
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They ll stop doing something else unhealthy, but then they ll be working out three hours in the gym you talk about a day.
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And they trade one negative addiction for a different addiction, which seems to be more positive,
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but is also abusive in its own way.
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Why do certain people trade one addiction for another?
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And how could they actually sit with the time and the energy and the conversations, the thoughts of the anxiety or the stress that they re having and just not be addicted anymore?
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Well, again, you ve got to go back to that ladder of looping thoughts.
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What s the thought that runs an addiction?
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It s always the same, I m not enough.
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  I m not enough  is going to be behind every addiction. 
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Because if you re not enough, guess what you need?
5
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More.
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I need more food, more alcohol, more drugs, more sex, more shopping, more Netflix.
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And many, many addicts try to change the behavior.
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I m not going to go to the bar.
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I m not going to go to the ice cream shop.
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I m going to avoid...
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that situation.
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So I m trying to change the behavior, but you have to go back and change the thought.
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And there s someone called Ryan in the book, I think it s the second chapter.
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And that is a classic story of alcoholism.
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Ryan, bless his heart, because he s a lovely person, was an addict, alcohol and drugs, was also addicted to people that hurt him in relationships.
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And he d been to rehab over and over again to change the behavior.
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And by the way, in rehab,
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They have cupboards full of candy, don t drink, eat chocolate, eat more chocolate, eat more stuff, because they re just switching one addiction for another.
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And many ex-addicts, I m addicted to food, I m addicted to shopping, I m addicted to praise.
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And because you re still treating the behavior
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The thought creates the feeling that creates the behavior.
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I ve worked with thousands and thousands of addicts.
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I ve never met one ever who ever felt they re enough.
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And when you go back to that, whenever you think you re not enough, you will need more of something.
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When you know you are enough, you don t need cake.
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After all, one donut might be okay.
5
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Why would you want six?
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Why would you need three pizzas followed by a beer?
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Why would you need a whole bottle of wine
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could make you feel good.
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If one purse or pair of shoes could make you feel good, why have you got a closet full of them?
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Clearly, it isn t working.
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But with addiction, if you try to treat the behavior and only the behavior, you just swap behaviors.
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You have to go back to the thought.
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Thought comes before behaviors.
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Thought causes actions.
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If you just change the thought... I ve worked with many alcoholics who ve stopped drinking, like Ryan, in one session, because he went back to,
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look at the thought and say, well, let s change that.
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And many people say, no, it s amazing, I stopped drinking, stopped binging, stopped using, because I suddenly realized, oh, it was a thought I was thinking that caused me so much pain, and the thought wasn t even true.
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Is it possible to change a thought that quickly?
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If, let s say, you re 40 years old, you ve been addicted for 20 years, and you ve kind of had this,
6
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emotional trauma trapped in your body and in your mind on a repeat for decades.
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Is it possible to change it that quickly or does it usually take a few months the more embedded this is in your system?
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It just depends.
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You know, you can change a thought in 21 seconds, or is it 21 days, 21 hours?
6
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It can be 21 seconds.
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It depends on you.
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Some people change thoughts instantly.
6
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They learn something new.
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It s like suddenly you realize that Father Christmas isn t real and everything changes.
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And it s not hard work or you realize that there is no tooth fairy.
6
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There is no scary monster.
6
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Maybe you even realize there isn t hell.
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You can be instant, but it doesn t matter if it isn t.
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You know, you can change three ways.
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Immediate change, we all want that, oh, I changed my thinking.
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You know, it s a bit like someone saying, I thought that person loved me and then someone woke me up and said, you know, that s not love, that s abuse.
6
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It s like saying, oh, I thought, you know, I was doing the right thing by hating my body and it s not changing.
6
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But then I realized everything I thought was love is abuse.
6
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So I m going to do yoga, not running.
6
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I m not going to eat diet food.
6
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I m going to love my body with proper food.
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It can be an instant thought.
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You know, like, for instance, my friends went into an abattoir, came out and said,
6
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They could never eat meat again.
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In that instant, everything changed.
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If you ate, I don t know, oysters, you were violently sick.
6
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That change, you can never eat them again because you ve linked pain to it.
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Anything, you re over the toilet, bringing everything, oh no.
6
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Never again.
6
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Never again.
6
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Never again.
6
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And if you re throwing up from alcohol, then I prefer whatever you re saying.
6
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It s not even work, you just go, no, I can t do that again.
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So you can change instantly, and that s always the best kind.
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But there s also a second change, which is cumulative.
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It means bit by bit, you think, oh,
6
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  When did I last scream at my kids?
6
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  When did I last have that tension headache?
6
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  I m noticing it s getting better.  
6
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And then the third change is called retroactive, when you don t even know you ve changed.
6
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Someone says,   Wow, look at you.  
6
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Or your partner says,   Gosh, you re so much calmer.  
6
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Someone says,   Wow, Lewis, you re looking great.  
6
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So instant change.
6
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Cumulative change, retroactive change, but it doesn t matter which change you get because you are changing in the same way that some people have 10 driving lessons, pass their test, that s it.
6
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Other people have 100 lessons and finally pass their test, but you re all equal on the road.
6
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So...
6
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And with the changes, you re thinking, well, my friend did that diet and lost 50 pounds and I didn t, I guess I m a failure.
6
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My friend did that workout and got a six-pack, I didn t.
6
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My friend did that and it changed their life.
6
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It didn t work for me.
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And the saddest thing is we don t blame the program, we blame ourselves.
6
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I guess I m just a failure.
6
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So don t compare your change to other people.
6
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Some people change really fast and other people don t.
6
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Some people pick up a language really fast.
6
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Other people don t.
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That s not important.
6
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Don t blame yourself.
6
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Don t shame yourself either.
6
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No, don t blame yourself.
6
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Don t shame yourself.
6
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Again, that s abuse, isn t it?
6
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everything you re doing that s abusive, turn it around to being more loving.
6
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I made a mistake.
6
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I forgot something.
6
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I was mean to my kids today.
6
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I lost it.
6
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I ended up eating three Kit Kats because I didn t go out for lunch.
6
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But I could remember next time to have some nuts in my bag or to take something with me.
6
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I shouted at my kids because I hadn t eaten and I was so stressed and I realized I could have taken a deep breath.
6
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So don t, you know, you can only learn by making a mistake, but it doesn t matter how long it takes.
6
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It s like saying, how long does it take to climb a mountain?
6
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I don t know, but when you get to the top, the view is the same for everyone, whether you sprinted up there or went at a very slow crawl, everyone has the same view.
6
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You said there were a couple of points to addiction, the first one being, I m not enough.
6
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Was there a couple more points to kind of the root of addiction or...?
6
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Well, any addiction is classified as something that moves you away from a bad behavior to a good one.
6
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People can be addicted to exercise, they can be addicted to orgasms, but it s anything that moves you away from something bad to something good that you can t stop, that starts to run you.
6
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And people think addicts are really cold and...
6
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And mean, but addicts are often very fragile, deeply sensitive.
6
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So if we look at the Jimi Hendrix and David Bowie and Prince and Michael Jackson, people who are addicted to pain pills, they often are very fragile.
6
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Amy Winehouse.
6
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Even Whitney, very sensitive, fragile creatures that the world is very hard on.
6
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And if you re an addict in any way, you have to realize that addicts are very creative.
6
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If you say to Anthony Hopkins, hey, Anthony, can you play a psychopath?
6
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He can see that and play it and terrify everyone.
6
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If you say to Amy, hey, Amy, could you write about pain?
6
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She could knock out Back to Black in five minutes because
6
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They re so creative.
6
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And if you re creative, you are receptive to suggestions, which is your biggest gift and your biggest downfall.
6
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Because you go, I didn t think that was very good.
6
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I thought someone else wrote much better.
6
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So addicts are very sensitive, often highly creative.
6
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They find the real world very hard and they need support.
6
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Kindness, that s not easy when you have an 18-year-old kid who s stealing from you to buy drugs, but sending them to rehab where they re told you re trying to kill yourself is often not the case.
6
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They re often trying to stay alive.
6
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And it s hard to be kind.
6
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But it s the only thing that works with addicts, going back and saying, look, not what s wrong with you, but what happened to you?
6
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When did you decide you don t matter?
6
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When did you decide you were worthless?
6
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What happened to make you believe you re not enough?
6
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And I ve worked with many 17-year-old addicts who say, well, I didn t have a dad.
6
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My dad left when I was one, he never saw me.
6
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He s got another kid he loves more than me and I m nothing.
6
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I go, but that s not true.
6
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Your dad is an idiot.
6
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I m sorry you have an idiot for a dad, but your dad not seeing you has nothing to do
6
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with your greatness and your gifts.
6
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But it s hard for children because their worth is, who loves me?
6
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Am I lovable?
6
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And if no one loves you, how can you believe you re lovable?
6
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As you get older, you think, well, I got to stop.
6
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If nobody loves me and I m allowing myself to believe I m not lovable, maybe I could reverse that and go, I am lovable.
6
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I am, I am, I am.
6
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Even if I think it s silly, because you re changing the thought.
6
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And we know that our thoughts radiate from us like a magnet, people that pick our thinking.
6
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You know, if you, I was at a ranch last week, working with horses, and if the horse thinks you like it, you know, you go and you have to lie on it, so you touch where all its organs are, its stomach, and first the horse will tune into your breathing, actually tunes into your smell.
6
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And if it goes, oh, you like me and I m safe, it will let you hold it.
6
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But if you re nervous and anxious, the horse will pull away.
6
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But people are no different.
6
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We tune into someone else s thoughts.
6
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We tune into other people s beliefs much more than we tune into their actions.
6
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So change your thoughts, because it won t just change how you feel about you, it will change how everyone else feels about you.
6
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Right, because if your thoughts are going to create feelings and emotions within you, your body language is going to change based on your thoughts.
6
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And people are going to pick up that energy around you.
6
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And what I m hearing you say, people who are addicted, their number one thought is, I m not enough.
6
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And so they need to go back to the beginning of reversing that lie and changing that thought.
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Yeah.
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And like with Ryan, it doesn t take forever.
6
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It can take an hour.
6
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It can take half an hour.
6
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It takes you... Because I remember saying to Ryan, you know, you think you re a broken person, but you re not.
6
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You re a person who s had some broken experiences.
6
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You think you re flawed.
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The truth is you had flawed parenting, but you re not flawed.
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You re not a machine that s broken.
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You re a person.
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He s had some broken events, but it doesn t mean you re broken.
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It would go a lot into I m Enough as well, your other book, which I really loved as well.
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I want to get into relationships here in a moment, but if you re watching this, listening to this right now, make sure you guys check out this book, Tell Yourself a Better Lie.
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I ll have it all linked up below on the YouTube video and on the podcast as well.
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Make sure you get this.
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And I Am Enough, if you feel like you re not enough.
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I hope today s episode inspired you on your journey towards greatness.
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Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today s show with all the important links.
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And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me as well as add free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our greatness plus channel on apple podcast.
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If you enjoyed this, please share it with a friend over on social media or text a friend.
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Leave us a review over on Apple podcast and let me know what you learned over on our social media channels at Lewis Howes.
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I really love hearing the feedback from you and it helps us continue to make the show better.
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And if you want more inspiration from our world-class guests and content to learn how to improve the quality of your life, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness Newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.
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And if no one has told you today, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.
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And now it s time to go out there and do something great.