1
SPEAKER_01
being able to do things even when fearful.
1
SPEAKER_01
And it s like, I m showing the younger me that exists within me, like, you can do this.
1
SPEAKER_01
You can do this.
1
SPEAKER_01
We can do this.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s going to be scary, but let s go for it and see what happens.
1
SPEAKER_00
So there s this quote in the documentary where you said, my mind is hardwired since I was a kid, that if you F up one time, you have to quit the whole thing.
1
SPEAKER_00
And my question is, when have you felt that you ve done that in life?
1
SPEAKER_00
Or have you ever felt that kind of fear and then pushed through because Lil Nas X came through?
1
SPEAKER_01
You know, after the success of like Old Town Road and whatnot, I had like this dark, like period of like, oh God, like, what do I do?
1
SPEAKER_01
And I put out like my song Holiday, like before, like right before Montero came out.
1
SPEAKER_01
And it just wasn t living up to what I had hoped for.
1
SPEAKER_01
And like, I was in a hotel room and I was just like telling myself like how much like I hate myself, you know, just like, how did you let this, how did you mess this up?
1
SPEAKER_01
And how did you get here?
1
SPEAKER_01
And like, it s nothing we can do now.
1
SPEAKER_01
Like there s no reason for us to be here.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I guess that s like the childish, like brat inside of me that,
1
SPEAKER_01
is not comfortable working from the ground up, you know?
1
SPEAKER_01
And in my introduction to the music industry was already at the top, you know, like it s, it s a hard thing to live from in a sense, you know what I mean?
1
SPEAKER_00
Absolutely.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
So it s the hardest thing to follow up with one of the most successful drops of all time.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
How did you process that?
1
SPEAKER_01
I knew I was going to do it.
1
SPEAKER_01
I didn t know how I was going to continue.
1
SPEAKER_01
But what it took was me bringing out another side of myself, which was like, Montero, call me by your name.
1
SPEAKER_01
And with that, though, I had to let go of this
1
SPEAKER_01
This childlike innocence the public had with me, I guess.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I want to dive into your childhood, actually.
1
SPEAKER_00
I was going to ask you, what would you believe would be your favorite memory growing up?
1
SPEAKER_00
If you were to close your eyes right now and think about Atlanta, Georgia, what s the vision or the visual that comes to mind or your heart that resonates and connects with love?
1
SPEAKER_01
I went immediately to this one, but I don t even know if it s mine.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s like me in front of my like grandma s house.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I m just like running around the tree.
1
SPEAKER_01
Like, I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s beautiful.
1
SPEAKER_01
But I feel like that s one of my first memories, you know?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
And it s just like bliss.
1
SPEAKER_00
Where was that?
1
SPEAKER_00
Like what, where was the house?
1
SPEAKER_00
What did it look like?
1
SPEAKER_00
What are you seeing?
1
SPEAKER_01
It was actually an apartment and it was, um, it was in Bankhead Courts, Atlanta.
1
SPEAKER_01
It was like basically the hood, you know what I mean?
1
SPEAKER_01
But,
1
SPEAKER_01
At that time, you know, everything felt all right.
1
SPEAKER_01
So yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
And how old are you in this memory or this?
1
SPEAKER_01
I feel like I was maybe like five.
1
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
1
SPEAKER_01
It was right before the tree got cut down too.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
Kind of symbolic in a way.
1
SPEAKER_00
In what way?
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_01
I guess, um, life increasingly became more like real.
1
SPEAKER_01
Things started to happen.
1
SPEAKER_01
within like, you know, my family life.
1
SPEAKER_01
And also at that time, recognizing even at that age, like, you know, my sexuality and whatnot.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I feel like it, you know, became like a rocky like ship from that moment.
1
SPEAKER_00
Is that when you started to become more aware of your sexuality?
1
SPEAKER_00
Was that an age that it started to become?
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I mean, because that was the age I started to become like aware of myself.
1
SPEAKER_01
And it was also like, becoming aware of the world around me, you know, and it s like, oh, this thing that s really bad that nobody seemed to like.
1
SPEAKER_01
I happen to be that thing.
1
SPEAKER_01
But maybe, you know, maybe it s not that bad, but also, you know, God s like probably super mad at me, and I don t want God to think I m like being disrespectful or anything, and it s like, you know what I mean?
1
SPEAKER_01
Just all those things that I feel like I shouldn t be thinking about at like six.
1
SPEAKER_00
Definitely, that s a lot.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s heavy to be thinking about at six.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s a lot, I think, for anyone to be processing at six years old.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s a lot of things to be questioning.
1
SPEAKER_00
I mean, in that memory, you talked about your grandmother.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I know that when your great-grandmother passed, that was the first person that was close to you that you lost.
1
SPEAKER_00
And that was when you leaned into music.
1
SPEAKER_00
How old were you when that happened, considering that memory you have that you just visualize?
1
SPEAKER_00
How old were you when that happened, and how did that make you lean into music?
1
SPEAKER_01
you know, I actually, that actually happened when I was maybe 18.
1
SPEAKER_01
So, but at that time, my dad had already had custody.
1
SPEAKER_01
Cause I used to live with my grandmother from like, when I was like, like five until like 11.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I was just like the golden child.
1
SPEAKER_01
I was like spoiled.
1
SPEAKER_01
And like, I got so much love and I was like,
1
SPEAKER_01
you know, I was the baby of the family.
1
SPEAKER_01
So once my dad got custody of us, you know, he played like much more like hard ball kind of vibes.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I didn t see my grandmother as much, but she was still like number one person in my heart when I like thought about like love and, you know, around 16 or so, like I was told she had cancer and it was,
1
SPEAKER_01
It was like this thing that I was like, oh, it can t be true.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I kind of just like tried to forget like it exists.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m like, well, she s still alive.
1
SPEAKER_01
Like, you know, maybe that was just like- Denial?
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
I think it was like a lot of denial, even when like, when I was around her, like, you know, noticing that she was like getting skinnier and like, like looking different.
1
SPEAKER_01
And she would like say things like, you know, I d be like, grandma, I love you.
1
SPEAKER_01
And she d be like, you know, I don t love myself and stuff like that.
1
SPEAKER_01
And it was just,
1
SPEAKER_01
It was really hard to like hear and listen to this person that you have so much love for, like lose like faith in life and just like the world in general.
1
SPEAKER_01
And it s like, it s also the person that has took on a role of being the back of the family for so many people.
1
SPEAKER_01
Like, you know, the person, you know, the grandmother, like she has like the family reunion.
1
SPEAKER_01
She has everybody over for Thanksgiving.
1
SPEAKER_01
She watches the kids.
1
SPEAKER_01
Like that s like a big thing in the black community and whatnot.
1
SPEAKER_01
And now, like, you know, she, I guess, like, feels cheated by life.
1
SPEAKER_01
And, you know, I guess I could feel that through the way she would carry herself at that time.
1
SPEAKER_01
And so it was really hard once she passed, and it was something I tried to, like, brush over.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s interesting.
1
SPEAKER_00
I actually lost my uncle when I was around your age at that time and he also was diagnosed with throat cancer.
1
SPEAKER_00
I was really close to my uncle.
1
SPEAKER_00
He taught me how to drive.
1
SPEAKER_00
He helped me get my first job.
1
SPEAKER_00
He used to own a new shop and sell newspapers and stuff.
1
SPEAKER_00
He would let me work in the shop and make a little pocket money.
1
SPEAKER_00
Then when he died, it was really interesting for me because I was getting more into spirituality at the time and he was really angry that I was getting into spirituality.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so he was so mad at me and like, you know, when he was really, really unwell, he d be like, I hope you re not going to get spiritual and I hope that s not going to be your path.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so he was kind of losing that positive spark.
1
SPEAKER_00
He was always like this positive energy.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then towards the end of his life, he was more angry than anything else.
1
SPEAKER_00
And it was, yeah, it was an interesting experience going, you know, going from someone that, again, loved me so much, helped me so much, someone that I was very close to, to then feeling like he actually didn t like who I was becoming.
1
SPEAKER_00
How did you feel your grandmother s love evolved for you?
1
SPEAKER_00
Sorry about that.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh no, thank you.
1
SPEAKER_00
You inspired me to be vulnerable and share it back with you because I guess we both lost someone that we cared about at a similar time.
1
SPEAKER_00
But yeah, how did your grandmother s love evolve for you from that five to 11 age when you were living with her?
1
SPEAKER_00
How do you think she loved you that stayed with you?
1
SPEAKER_01
I guess that s like afterwards five.
1
SPEAKER_01
Oh, like during the time both, you know, my grandmother s like one of those things that that she really loved when you know, life
1
SPEAKER_01
I guess wasn t like great, like where we lived and, you know, our like financial situation and just like, you know, the, what comes with, you know, getting older in life.
1
SPEAKER_01
And, you know, I got, I got all the love, I got all the love and, you know, sadly my siblings got the other end of that stick, I guess.
1
SPEAKER_01
you know, around the time my dad got custody of us, I didn t feel like that special child anymore, which is probably good for my young ego, you know, like feeling like I had to be like that one all the time.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I guess I kind of stopped seeing my grandmother as much.
1
SPEAKER_01
I d go over there like a lot of the weekends and whatnot.
2
SPEAKER_05
not but you know it was just like the thing that I can t be there anymore and and then eventually like she passed away and it was just like it was very confusing.
2
SPEAKER_02
Do you remember the first song that you made after her passing or anything that any music that came from that?
2
SPEAKER_05
I made a song called like Carry On and I was it was pretty much about
2
SPEAKER_05
how I felt very selfish about not being there when she passed away, when I was supposed to be there that day, you know?
2
SPEAKER_05
But I was so stuck on social media, you know what I mean?
2
SPEAKER_05
And I was so really into Twitter and trying to build that, even though I know my grandmother s on her last days.
2
SPEAKER_05
And it was just like, I just felt very,
2
SPEAKER_05
Selfish because it was, you know, like this person that showed you so much love, showing you so much love and you re not there because you re like,
2
SPEAKER_05
trying to get these people s attention online.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I think a lot of people can relate to that too.
2
SPEAKER_02
You get so obsessed with your career or direction or path and it s working and it s winning and there s momentum.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
And we all kind of, you know, and you were young when that happened for you, but a lot of people into their thirties, forties, fifties will,
2
SPEAKER_02
you know, attest to that and put their hand up and say, you know, they ve done that where they ve overprioritized their career to their relationships.
2
SPEAKER_02
How has that shifted how you ve lived since then?
2
SPEAKER_02
Like that reflection or realization that you ve had?
2
SPEAKER_05
I ll be honest.
2
SPEAKER_05
I ll say I was still kind of like that way up until these last, like maybe two years of, I guess, my break from like music or whatnot.
2
SPEAKER_05
I ve started to really,
2
SPEAKER_05
actually like cherish, like being with my family and stuff.
2
SPEAKER_05
Cause it s like, these people are growing up so fast.
2
SPEAKER_05
Like my nieces and nephews, you know, you see that on TV and you feel like it s like cliche or whatnot, but it happens like so fast.
2
SPEAKER_05
And I feel like the older I get, the faster these years like somehow go by.
2
SPEAKER_05
And yeah, yeah, pretty much.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
That s a wise realization to have at 24.
2
SPEAKER_02
I ll tell you that.
2
SPEAKER_02
Like that s early.
2
SPEAKER_02
I think most people that I speak to,
2
SPEAKER_02
Again, like you re saying, we hear the cliche, we see it, but I d say most people don t get to that realization until they re like 30, 40, maybe even later on in life.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s a weird one because you feel like you ll be the exception.
2
SPEAKER_02
Everyone feels like they ll be the exception.
2
SPEAKER_02
Maybe their life will go slower.
2
SPEAKER_02
They ll have time for everything.
2
SPEAKER_02
There was another line in the documentary that really resonated with me.
2
SPEAKER_02
There were so many things.
2
SPEAKER_02
I can t wait for everyone to watch the documentary, honestly, because as someone who knew your music, was aware of you, I felt like I got really invited into your stream of consciousness during it.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I so appreciated, I found your thinking out loud to be extremely comforting, even though we ve never met each other and we don t know each other.
2
SPEAKER_02
And there were so many things that you said where I was like, oh, I can relate to that in some way.
2
SPEAKER_02
And this was another one.
2
SPEAKER_02
You said, a lot of the times when I m scared, it s when I m about to do something that will change my life drastically.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I was going to ask you, what scares you the most right now, or what do you feel fearful about right now that you think might be on the verge of changing your life drastically?
2
SPEAKER_00
The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is an NAACP and Webby Award winning podcast dedicated to all things mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves.
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SPEAKER_00
Here, we have the conversations that help Black women decipher how their pasts inform who they are today,
2
SPEAKER_00
and use that information to decide who they want to be moving forward.
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SPEAKER_00
We chat about things like how to establish routines that center self-care, what burnout looks and feels like, and defining what aspects of our lives are making us happy and what parts are holding us back.
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SPEAKER_00
I m your host, Dr. Joy Harden-Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia.
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And I can t wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday.
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Listen to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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SPEAKER_00
Take good care, and we ll see you there.
2
SPEAKER_01
Something that makes me crazy is when people say, well, I had this career before, but it was a waste.
2
SPEAKER_01
And that s where the perspective shift comes.
2
SPEAKER_01
That it s not a waste, that everything you ve done has built you to where you are now.
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This is She Pivots.
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the podcast where we explore the inspiring pivots women have made and dig deeper into the personal reasons behind them.
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We dive into how these women made their pivot and their mindset shifts that happened as a result.
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It s a podcast about women, their stories, and how their pivot became their success.
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Listen to She Pivots on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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When you find that bright spot to help you get through your day, it s powerful.
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A new daily podcast from Hello Sunshine that s bringing you a daily dose of joy.
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Listen, both Danielle and I are reporters.
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We ve covered the news and we know the world can feel heavy, but The Bright Side podcast is a space to have a little fun, to learn something new and get into some friendly debates.
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Listen to The Bright Side from Hello Sunshine every weekday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
2
SPEAKER_05
I think just like my place right now in my actual like career and like these last like couple of weeks, you know, I ve never been here like mentally and actually like physically, you know, where
2
SPEAKER_05
you ve like been so like, focused and like zoned in on what you re doing.
2
SPEAKER_05
And you push your art out into the world.
2
SPEAKER_05
And it s kind of like received negatively by like, the majority, you know what I mean?
2
SPEAKER_05
But then like,
2
SPEAKER_05
also understanding why, you know, and having to like see it through.
2
SPEAKER_05
So I guess that s where I m at right now.
2
SPEAKER_05
And my next move, you know, the things that I m planning on right now,
2
SPEAKER_05
I feel like somewhere in here, there s going to be this magical moment that I can t even take credit for.
2
SPEAKER_05
And yeah, I feel like that s, that s going to squeak.
2
SPEAKER_05
I feel like that always happens.
2
SPEAKER_05
So.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
There s always magic in the messiness.
2
SPEAKER_05
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
But it s not fun.
2
SPEAKER_05
No, not at all.
2
SPEAKER_05
It s been a lot.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
No, we ll, we ll get to that as well.
2
SPEAKER_02
There was, there was another line that kind of sparks what you just said.
2
SPEAKER_02
Now you said you talk about wanting a little bit of chaos.
2
SPEAKER_02
Like there s a part of you that likes a little bit of chaos.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I was going to ask you, what does positive chaos look like to Montero?
2
SPEAKER_02
And what does negative chaos look like?
2
SPEAKER_05
I think that the thing is, it s usually when I can control it.
2
SPEAKER_05
I ve lost, I don t, I don t think I have the grip on controlling it.
2
SPEAKER_05
I feel like it does a lot of what it wants now, you know, I m usually like strategic with things and I can kind of like move the conversation, but,
2
SPEAKER_05
That s the chaos I like.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_05
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s, it s, it s kind of like a kid that starts a fire and it s in the, under control as opposed to a forest fire.
2
SPEAKER_05
It s like, Oh, this is not, it wasn t supposed to, this is not my chaos, but yeah, I like to keep things interesting or whatnot.
2
SPEAKER_05
And.
2
SPEAKER_05
Yeah, lead the conversation around it, but yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I think all of us love that.
2
SPEAKER_02
I love, and I appreciate the honesty.
2
SPEAKER_02
Like I think we all love chaos that s under control and that we can control.
2
SPEAKER_02
Drama that we can control, but then as soon as it, and it s funny because it always starts like that, right?
2
SPEAKER_02
Like even a forest fire starts because there was a little controllable fire, but then it spread really, really fast.
2
SPEAKER_02
And that feeling of things leaving your grip,
2
SPEAKER_02
is like the most uncomfortable feeling in the world when you feel something just like... It s the worst.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s the worst feeling ever.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
When you feel that way, when you ve created something and then it takes a life of its own...
2
SPEAKER_02
you ve experienced it positively and challengingly.
2
SPEAKER_02
How do you process that?
2
SPEAKER_02
Or how do you allow yourself to be okay with creating something controlled and then it becomes fully chaotic and out of control?
2
SPEAKER_02
How do I allow it?
2
SPEAKER_05
It can get almost like depressing, but you know, actually depressing.
2
SPEAKER_05
And it can, you can become like super angry with yourself, as I said, like earlier or whatnot.
2
SPEAKER_05
And yeah, I mean,
3
SPEAKER_00
It gets that deep.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
Cause you said recently, and as you brought up the last two weeks, you said, you said you felt like you really messed up this time.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I was like, you know, and you were saying that it affected your mental health, right?
3
SPEAKER_01
Like it really felt like it affected your mental health.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I m like, why did you feel that way?
3
SPEAKER_01
And, and in what way does it affect your mental health?
3
SPEAKER_00
I already explained the situation in that video, but it was this thing that artistically, it was just supposed to be like, I m returning.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m back.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m back like him.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know what I mean?
3
SPEAKER_00
And it turned into this whole thing where
3
SPEAKER_00
it was me trying to dunk on Christians or something.
3
SPEAKER_00
And that was never like what it was, never.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then I looked at the video with me like eating like the communion or whatnot.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I was like, okay, this looks really bad on paper.
3
SPEAKER_00
This thing that I thought was just like a little
3
SPEAKER_00
jokey, fun video.
3
SPEAKER_00
I also had to think about like how many of my family members are like Christian, like my grandmothers and stuff and you know, like aunties and things like that.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I m like, wow, like, do they see this as that too?
3
SPEAKER_00
If they do, like, you know, that s, that s really messed up and it s, you know, it made me sad.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then, you know, on top of that, like seeing like actual fans, like,
3
SPEAKER_00
turn and say like, whoa, why is he doing this?
3
SPEAKER_00
Why does he keep messing with these people?
3
SPEAKER_00
And I think another thing was messages got turned around because one got turned around the idea of Montero call me by name, which is me like taking ownership of this place.
3
SPEAKER_00
Everybody tells me I m going to go.
3
SPEAKER_00
And that was just turned into, oh, he s teaching Christianity a lesson.
3
SPEAKER_00
when that s not the case, you know?
3
SPEAKER_00
And now this thing was like, oh, I m Jesus.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m back like Jesus, which is, if anything, it s like homage to Jesus.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like this guy that made the greatest comeback of all time.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I m not the first artist to do such a thing.
3
SPEAKER_00
That message like turned around and I didn t know
3
SPEAKER_00
I didn t know how to do anything with it.
3
SPEAKER_00
It wasn t my chaos anymore.
3
SPEAKER_00
It was the world s and anything anybody said was true because that s who I am as a person.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m this troll and I want to make these people mad.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so everybody can run with that.
3
SPEAKER_00
And there s nothing I can do about that.
3
SPEAKER_00
I can say as many things as I want, but knowing my history,
3
SPEAKER_00
they look right, I look wrong.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
Well, I think the way you addressed it and you re addressing it right now is is helpful and useful to people because I think it came across very clearly to me and it does today to even sitting with you like it s not something
3
SPEAKER_01
you re trying to disrespect or mock.
3
SPEAKER_01
But for people who feel that way, what would you say to them?
3
SPEAKER_01
Like for someone who feels that that is what it is, what would you want them to hear?
3
SPEAKER_01
It s probably a better question.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know what s crazy?
3
SPEAKER_00
I feel like I ve said, you know, I apologize for the communion thing on that note.
3
SPEAKER_00
Everything else
3
SPEAKER_00
I m not sorry about.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t think I did anything wrong.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know what I mean?
3
SPEAKER_00
And it s like, I ve also been making a lot of gospel music to God and my spiritual side.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I hate that this whole thing is turned into like a mockery, which it isn t, you know.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, no, thank you for sharing that.
3
SPEAKER_01
I appreciate it.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I think there s also like, I was going to actually, maybe that s a good thing to talk about.
3
SPEAKER_01
Like obviously your father s a gospel singer, right?
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
I would love for you to talk about your relationship with your father to give kind of context to the conversation we re having right now, because I m not sure how many people are aware of your deep Christian roots.
3
SPEAKER_01
So,
3
SPEAKER_01
Walk us through some of your relationship with your father and how that s evolved, which comes across in the documentary for sure.
3
SPEAKER_00
I feel like me and my father have grown closer as I got older because the version of me that he saw wasn t really me, it was the version that I presented to him.
3
SPEAKER_00
So
3
SPEAKER_00
As I ve like come out and whatnot, like even before I came out though, my dad, well, when I did initially came out, when I initially came out to my dad, he was just like, you know, the devil may be tempting me or whatnot.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it s definitely taken its own journey because now like my dad is like, yo, do you have a boyfriend kind of vibe?
3
SPEAKER_00
Like you could tell me about that stuff.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like you can let me know that.
3
SPEAKER_00
And you know, he even came to me,
3
SPEAKER_00
He even came with me to like a gay club with like my brothers and sisters one time, just like dancing and stuff.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s been a complete like 180.
3
SPEAKER_00
How does that feel?
3
SPEAKER_01
Like, because from going from, you know, coming out to your parents and your father saying, yeah, you know, the debt, I mean, that is a really extreme, obviously, reaction on one end.
3
SPEAKER_01
And now coming with you to a gay club, like how does that transition even, A, how does that transition happen?
3
SPEAKER_01
B, how does that feel?
3
SPEAKER_00
I feel like it was an overtime thing and also him learning me as a person.
3
SPEAKER_00
I feel like him seeing me in interviews and stuff like that was the same for everybody else.
3
SPEAKER_00
I feel like the entire world started seeing me.
3
SPEAKER_00
My brothers and sisters, my family, everybody started to see me at the same time.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know what I mean?
3
SPEAKER_00
I feel like before that, I was just very
3
SPEAKER_00
like meek about everything.
3
SPEAKER_00
So over time, you know, with Call Me By Your Name coming out and, and like the entire like Montero album, like Roll Out and me inviting him and like listening to my songs on my last album, that s how he learned about me.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I feel like him hearing me from my own mouth and like in the world and seeing me in the world, like help him understand me more.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I feel like over time he was like, okay, I understand now, you know what I mean?
3
SPEAKER_01
It feels like you ve also always had this compassion for people who don t always understand you, like even when...
3
SPEAKER_01
You say when you first told your father, and he had that reaction of maybe the devil s tempting you, you actually understood that.
3
SPEAKER_01
There was a part of you that went, oh, I get that.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then there s other parts in the documentary, too, when you have protesters outside.
3
SPEAKER_01
And again, you re like, I m actually happy that they have something that they belong to and they stand for.
3
SPEAKER_01
There s a compassion and context that you seem to have
3
SPEAKER_01
even when you re the one who s trying to express yourself, you can see how it s hard for people to digest that.
3
SPEAKER_01
Would that be fair to say?
3
SPEAKER_00
For sure.
3
SPEAKER_00
I mean, the truth is, I feel like over the last couple of years,
3
SPEAKER_00
I ve learned not everybody is against you, it s just like, against you, you know?
3
SPEAKER_00
There s a lot of like, learned things, you know, a lot of things over time, people have latched onto it in their brains, it s hard to let go of.
3
SPEAKER_00
So they see you as this way because of something that was, you know, far beyond their control.
3
SPEAKER_00
Things they ve been taught since they like grew up, you know, like my dad has been taught and like shoved in his head, you know?
3
SPEAKER_00
And everybody in the world, like we all have like ideals, like,
3
SPEAKER_00
put into our brains.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I don t want to try to be a thing where it s easy to paint people who don t like you as haters or just evil and bigot and whatnot.
3
SPEAKER_00
But it s like, these people just genuinely don t understand you.
3
SPEAKER_00
And inside of their mind, it s fear.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s fear and it s
3
SPEAKER_00
It s like discomfort, and there s all these things that the human mind wants to run from, you know?
3
SPEAKER_00
And I understand that, because I still have those things.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, we all see things in others that we don t understand.
3
SPEAKER_01
And as soon as we don t understand something, the most human emotion is to feel fear.
3
SPEAKER_01
Any sort of change makes us feel fear, any sort of uncertainty.
3
SPEAKER_01
So if someone, we look at someone and we feel uncertain about them, it generally sparks fear.
3
SPEAKER_01
That s how we ve almost been conditioned as humans to just feel fear.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so
3
SPEAKER_01
As you ve said before, you said some people see me as the satanic devil that is going to ruin the world.
3
SPEAKER_01
When you say things like that, what are you actually trying to do?
3
SPEAKER_01
When people see you that way, what I m interested in is when people see you that way, what are you actually trying to portray that sometimes gets seen that way?
3
SPEAKER_00
It s more so taking all these things
3
SPEAKER_00
that I believe have been used to like demonize me and a lot of other people and these conspiracies.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it says, okay, this is what this looks like.
3
SPEAKER_00
Is this what you actually wanna see?
3
SPEAKER_00
You know what I mean?
3
SPEAKER_00
Is this who you think I am?
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay, I m gonna do those things.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m gonna do those things.
3
SPEAKER_00
You think I m like this, so I m gonna do these things.
3
SPEAKER_01
When you re building a new album, building a new song, making a music video, what s your artistic process?
3
SPEAKER_01
Where does it start?
3
SPEAKER_01
What happens?
3
SPEAKER_01
Is it you taking notes?
3
SPEAKER_01
Is it journaling?
3
SPEAKER_01
Is it working with your team, your dancers?
3
SPEAKER_01
How does new work get created?
4
SPEAKER_02
in Montero s world.
4
SPEAKER_02
Can we pause for a second?
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, of course we can, of course we can, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I m with you.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m gonna step outside for a minute.
4
SPEAKER_02
Of course you can, of course you can, yeah, absolutely, of course you can, man, of course you can.
4
SPEAKER_02
Let s open up the, absolutely, take your time.
4
SPEAKER_01
Got you.
4
SPEAKER_02
What would you like to say, where is your heart?
4
SPEAKER_01
Well, first I ll say what I said out there.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m trying to be authentic and say words from my heart, but I feel like it ends up sounding rehearsed.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I guess, yeah, I m trying to get there.
4
SPEAKER_01
But yeah, I m doing my best.
4
SPEAKER_01
But we can move from this.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
And all you could ever be asked for is doing your best.
4
SPEAKER_02
Can t ask for anything more.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I think we re all in that.
4
SPEAKER_02
We re kind of all in that.
4
SPEAKER_02
pressure of trying to be authentic selves, but then, you know, there s that, there s that famous meme on social media that I see all the time that says, society says, be yourself.
4
SPEAKER_02
And then society says, no, not like that.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I think, you know, we all kind of spend some time.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, that s so, that s authentic.
4
SPEAKER_01
That s true.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
You know, society doesn t really want like people to be like themselves and stuff like that.
4
SPEAKER_01
Just like to a degree.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, we want everyone to be authentic in a way that makes us feel good.
4
SPEAKER_01
The truth is, if everyone was authentic, oh boy, this world would be insane.
4
SPEAKER_02
What would it be like?
4
SPEAKER_01
It would have some great things, but definitely like some terrible things too.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah?
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
So it s probably better that everyone s a little less authentic.
4
SPEAKER_02
It s an interesting conversation.
4
SPEAKER_02
Authenticity is an interesting conversation.
4
SPEAKER_01
I think it depends on what you see is better, like positive and light.
4
SPEAKER_01
Does that automatically equals like better?
4
SPEAKER_01
Cause it s, I feel like some dark things help bring light, you know, balance.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
It s almost like, I feel like even internally when you re doing the work, shadow work and stuff like that, you have to go through a lot of darkness.
4
SPEAKER_01
You know, you gotta understand like what you are capable of and, and like who you are and decide not to do like,
4
SPEAKER_01
like that, that bad that you could do, you know?
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
Do you do a lot of inner work?
4
SPEAKER_02
Is that kind of, I know you became spiritual and you got involved in a bit of your own spirituality.
4
SPEAKER_02
What is, what does that look like exploring your own spirituality?
4
SPEAKER_02
What does that look like in your definition in your words?
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I do a lot of inner work and understanding who I am, but also trying to let go of the pressures of, I guess, what I feel like society, a lot of times, will want me to be.
4
SPEAKER_01
You know, like this big, brave champion for the community, which I can t be at all times.
4
SPEAKER_01
You know what I mean?
4
SPEAKER_01
I just want to do me sometimes.
4
SPEAKER_01
Of course, I want to.
4
SPEAKER_01
do what I can, but I want it to come naturally.
4
SPEAKER_02
Is there a lot of pressure sometimes it feels like?
4
SPEAKER_02
to always have to be, I was joking about it with someone else the other day, like whenever I m around someone, I always feel the pressure that I have to say something wise because that s the kind of, you know, and so like when I m around someone, it s kind of like being around a comedian and they have to be funny.
4
SPEAKER_01
Right?
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
I think it s exactly that.
4
SPEAKER_01
I think it s exactly that.
4
SPEAKER_01
Even like with the funny thing sometimes, you know, cause I m an online troll and stuff.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m like, I don t want to be funny right now.
4
SPEAKER_01
I want to, I want to, I don t know.
4
SPEAKER_01
I want to,
4
SPEAKER_01
eat this food and, you know, not really talk to you.
4
SPEAKER_01
I want to scroll to my phone a little bit and eat this food.
4
SPEAKER_01
But the whole thing, like even with like Montero still like riding on my back, like we re talking about it right now and me like featuring the video and stuff.
4
SPEAKER_01
And it s like, that s just what I want to do.
4
SPEAKER_01
It wasn t, I m not always trying to like make a deep message, I guess like, I guess.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
If that makes sense.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
So sometimes you re just trying to have fun.
4
SPEAKER_01
Not even just trying to have fun.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s just a lot of things I do.
4
SPEAKER_01
Most things through my art are for me.
4
SPEAKER_01
And just thankfully other people can see it as helping them.
4
SPEAKER_02
It s coming as a form of self healing and self expression.
4
SPEAKER_02
And then if it connects with people.
4
SPEAKER_01
I pray it connects with you.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
4
SPEAKER_01
But.
4
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m not, I m not trying to be a martyr, if that makes sense.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
I mean, Rick Rubin was here a few months ago and he was saying something similar.
4
SPEAKER_02
He was saying that he thinks that true art and true creativity is not made for consumption.
4
SPEAKER_02
In that it is consumed and it is loved and it is connected with, but it wasn t created thinking, well, how are we going to find the thing that connects?
4
SPEAKER_02
It s creating something that comes from within.
4
SPEAKER_02
Would you agree with that?
4
SPEAKER_02
Does that hold true?
4
SPEAKER_01
I agree completely.
4
SPEAKER_01
I like Rick Rubin.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I like his book.
4
SPEAKER_01
I only skimmed through it, but I like it.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, it s a great book.
4
SPEAKER_02
When do you feel you re connected to your most authentic 360 self?
4
SPEAKER_02
What are you doing when you feel that way?
4
SPEAKER_02
Because I know in the documentary, it seemed like when you re with your dancers who are also your friends, that felt like a form of self-expression and connectedness where you feel like you can let go and be funny and be larger than life.
4
SPEAKER_02
be creative, would you say that s where it comes through?
4
SPEAKER_01
I d say if anything, it s when I m creating music.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I guess that s like the thing that an artist should say or whatnot.
4
SPEAKER_01
But it s the truth when I m like making a song and when I can completely like let go of how it s going to be received, I just feel like
4
SPEAKER_01
One, you know, I feel like everything has come to me.
4
SPEAKER_01
All of my energy is not like all out into the world.
4
SPEAKER_01
Like every, like, I feel like just one being like connected to everything.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s a feeling like, I can t describe, like, no amount of success will ever like equate to it.
4
SPEAKER_01
I don t know if I ll ever like find love that strong.
4
SPEAKER_01
I hope so.
4
SPEAKER_01
But, but yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
That s the, I think that s the thing we re all looking for, right?
4
SPEAKER_02
Like we re all searching for like,
4
SPEAKER_02
And it s almost like you can t manufacture it.
4
SPEAKER_02
Like you can t engineer it.
4
SPEAKER_02
It either happens or it doesn t.
4
SPEAKER_01
You can t fake it.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
You feel it sometimes and sometimes you don t.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
You said you wanted to stay the acceptable gay person at first, and you didn t want to be the one that shoves it down everyone s throats.
4
SPEAKER_02
And then now we re talking about, again, being authentic.
4
SPEAKER_02
I think we re all always trying to play, again, to what people around us wanting to be, and then it comes out.
4
SPEAKER_02
How did you kind of go, well, no, no, no, I m not going to do that.
4
SPEAKER_02
I am going to allow myself to free myself.
4
SPEAKER_00
Tune in to the new podcast, Stories from the Village of Nothing Much, like easy listening, but for fiction.
4
SPEAKER_00
If you ve overdosed on bad news, we invite you into a world where the glimmers of goodness in everyday life are all around you.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m Katherine Nicolai, and you might know me from the Bedtime Story podcast, Nothing Much Happens.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m an architect of cozy, and I invite you to come spend some time where everyone is welcome and kindness is the default.
4
SPEAKER_00
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4
SPEAKER_00
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4
SPEAKER_00
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4
SPEAKER_00
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4
SPEAKER_03
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4
SPEAKER_03
We re going to talk about and go through all the things that are sometimes difficult to process alone.
4
SPEAKER_03
We re going to go over how to regulate your emotions, diving deep into holistic personal development, and just building your mindset to have a happier, healthier life.
4
SPEAKER_03
We re going to be talking with some of my best friends.
4
SPEAKER_00
I didn t know we were going to go there.
4
SPEAKER_03
people that I admire.
4
SPEAKER_03
When we say listen to your body, really tune in to what s going on.
4
SPEAKER_03
Authors of books that have changed my life.
4
SPEAKER_03
Now you re talking about sympathy, which is different than empathy.
4
SPEAKER_03
And basically have conversations that can help us get through this crazy thing we call life.
4
SPEAKER_03
I already believe in myself.
4
SPEAKER_03
I already see myself.
4
SPEAKER_03
And so when people give me an opportunity, I m just like,
4
SPEAKER_03
Oh great, you see me too!
4
SPEAKER_03
We ll laugh together, we ll cry together, and find a way through all of our emotions.
4
SPEAKER_03
Never forget, it s okay to cry, as long as you make it a really good one.
4
SPEAKER_03
Listen to A Really Good Cry with Radhi Devlukia on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
6
SPEAKER_00
great times, and he s going to have bad times, and he s going to do amazing things, and he s going to do terrible things.
6
SPEAKER_00
And it s like, I have to allow him to grow through that.
6
SPEAKER_00
And me joining the world or anybody else and being hard on this kid is not going to help.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_01
I was just saying the other day, I was saying to someone, you can t guilt yourself into growth.
6
SPEAKER_00
It s impossible.
6
SPEAKER_01
Like, you can t shame yourself or embarrass yourself into becoming better.
6
SPEAKER_01
Like, when was the last time you made someone feel guilty and they were like, yeah, I m gonna be the best person in the world now.
6
SPEAKER_01
Like, it doesn t work that way.
6
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I think cliche as it is, like, you know, love is really the answer for that.
6
SPEAKER_01
How does it feel, I know you re gonna go today or tomorrow to show your family the documentary, like, how does that make you feel for them to be able to see this?
6
SPEAKER_00
I didn t want to be very like self-conscious, you know?
6
SPEAKER_00
The whole time?
6
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_00
Just, just like, Oh my God, like, what are they thinking about this?
6
SPEAKER_00
You know, I ve, I ve said things, this documentary that they ve never heard me say, you know, or my perspective on like a lot of different things and even them, you know, talking about them and how I feel close or not close within.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_01
It s a lot.
6
SPEAKER_01
Although, although it comes, yeah, it comes across,
6
SPEAKER_01
I m hoping in a way that they can digest it.
6
SPEAKER_01
There s a lot of love you have for your nephew and your relationship of him not wanting to see you differently.
6
SPEAKER_01
How has that relationship progressed?
6
SPEAKER_01
Because how old is he?
6
SPEAKER_01
He s young.
6
SPEAKER_00
He s 11.
6
SPEAKER_00
He s about to be 12 this year.
6
SPEAKER_00
I feel like he s one of the only people in my family that calls me like 24 seven.
6
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
6
SPEAKER_00
And I was just really...
6
SPEAKER_00
like appreciate that because you know before they get to like their age where they re just like too cool and whatnot I m happy to have like that person that still I don t know is inspired by me or still like loves me like all the same
6
SPEAKER_00
And yeah, yeah, throughout everything.
6
SPEAKER_01
What will he say to you when he s calling you up?
6
SPEAKER_01
Like what s the, what is he doing?
6
SPEAKER_01
What s a 12 year old saying?
6
SPEAKER_00
You know, kids like, he will call and kind of just like say, yo, what s up?
6
SPEAKER_00
And then just be like silent for a minute.
6
SPEAKER_00
And then, and then he s like, yeah, I ve been on Fortnite and like stuff like this, like kids stuff.
6
SPEAKER_00
And I, I love that.
6
SPEAKER_00
It makes things much smaller because in my head where I have all these things that I feel like are the big,
6
SPEAKER_00
grand is like problems of my life and blah, blah, blah.
6
SPEAKER_00
You know, he s, he s like in school, like trying to get his grade up in science.
6
SPEAKER_00
You know what I mean?
6
SPEAKER_00
It s like these things.
6
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_00
It keeps me, it keeps me like down to earth.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_01
It s like when my mom calls me up.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I ve been doing, you know, whatever crazy thing.
6
SPEAKER_01
And then she s like, have you eaten today?
6
SPEAKER_00
Like, that s all she cares about.
6
SPEAKER_01
She s like, have you had your lunch?
6
SPEAKER_01
Like, have you taken your vitamins?
6
SPEAKER_01
Like, that s what my mom would say to me.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I m like, mom, like, I m at the white house or whatever it is.
6
SPEAKER_01
She s just like, yeah, have you had your vitamins?
6
SPEAKER_01
Like, it s the best thing though.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_01
It keeps you grounded.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_01
Keeps you connected.
6
SPEAKER_01
And you re right.
6
SPEAKER_01
Like so often we just start getting lost in this.
6
SPEAKER_01
you know, this big vision of what we re doing and what we re creating, and it kind of just pops the bubble, like, you know, they come along and just go, yeah, it s not that big.
6
SPEAKER_00
It makes it much, like, smaller and easier to maintain in a way.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, yeah.
6
SPEAKER_01
You said something about the family that really resonated.
6
SPEAKER_01
You said,
6
SPEAKER_01
how can we get everyone in a house within five years without me paying for it?
6
SPEAKER_01
And I was like, you know, what does that new level of relationship of desire mean to you?
6
SPEAKER_01
Like, what is, what are you trying to create there?
6
SPEAKER_01
Or where does that thought come from?
6
SPEAKER_00
I feel like that opens a bigger like question or like current, like problem in my life.
6
SPEAKER_00
I m like, not a little boy anymore.
6
SPEAKER_00
Like,
6
SPEAKER_00
I m a grown man and I have to take on like this, this like leadership role.
6
SPEAKER_00
And I feel like once you break society down, everything is still like tribes and whatnot.
6
SPEAKER_00
And I have tribes, you know, like, like on my family, like, like, this is my tribe or, you know, like my, my team around me and my career, like this is my tribe.
6
SPEAKER_00
I have to
6
SPEAKER_00
get in the front of this and try to figure things out and like try to understand like, how do these people work best?
6
SPEAKER_00
Like, how can I get you, you know, to doing your best thing and how can I get you to doing your best thing so we can all progress?
6
SPEAKER_00
Because of course, you know, I got to get myself right first before I do anything.
6
SPEAKER_00
But it s like, also, I have to understand, like, how can I help you?
6
SPEAKER_00
I m in this place, I believe the universe sent me here
6
SPEAKER_00
to try to fix things, you know?
6
SPEAKER_00
It s like, how do I build your confidence up?
6
SPEAKER_00
Like with my brothers and sisters, like, how do I build your confidence up?
6
SPEAKER_00
Us, all these people that grew up in these places where we ve been told over and over in our life, by even each other and our family members and the world that we re not, like, how do I get you the confidence to chase your own dream?
6
SPEAKER_00
Or if your dream s not something like grand, you know, how do I get you to,
6
SPEAKER_00
I don t know, be on my team and just something where you re happy.
6
SPEAKER_00
And it s so hard to get people organized and organize things and realize that this is something I have to do.
6
SPEAKER_00
Because if I don t do it, it may not get done.
6
SPEAKER_00
You know what I mean?
6
SPEAKER_00
And, but yeah, I m at that place where I m trying to figure that out.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I can understand that.
6
SPEAKER_01
It s hard because you ve got so many roles on your team.
6
SPEAKER_01
then there s family, there s friends coming up.
6
SPEAKER_01
I mean, it s hard and it s hard to put everyone on too.
6
SPEAKER_01
I mean, I ve spoken to so many people who today like top musicians, artists, actors who ve had that years ago where friends wanted to move from their hometown and come and join the team and then sometimes they didn t want to put in the work and sometimes
6
SPEAKER_01
They did, and sometimes they made it.
6
SPEAKER_01
Like I know a friend of mine who s, this person used to seat people at his shows 30 years ago, and today she s directing documentaries with him.
6
SPEAKER_00
That s amazing.
6
SPEAKER_01
And it s like a beautiful journey, and it s amazing for them to have.
6
SPEAKER_01
But then on the other end, you ve also got friends who were given a route out, but then they let the money and the fame and the drugs and alcohol and everything consume them.
6
SPEAKER_01
And you recognize it s almost like you can only give people opportunities, but they ve got to take them for themselves.
6
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_00
And that s, that s hard to like come to grips with, you know, like you can give as many like speeches or, or talks or like as much guidance as you want, but it s just so hard to help some people up.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, it is.
6
SPEAKER_01
It is.
6
SPEAKER_01
But that s something that feels important to you.
6
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_00
Something that feels important.
6
SPEAKER_00
It s also something that, you know, it crushes you a little bit, you know, back to that whole like factor of you can t control this thing.
6
SPEAKER_00
You can t,
6
SPEAKER_00
There s nothing you can do about this.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_01
I feel like this is not a question that me and you can solve here at all, because it is almost a question of life, but it s like...
6
SPEAKER_01
How do we deal with our lack of control every day?
6
SPEAKER_01
Like how do we deal with the fact that we can t control things?
6
SPEAKER_01
Or how do you deal with the fact that you can t control everything in all of these areas?
6
SPEAKER_01
Have you found any coping mechanisms?
6
SPEAKER_00
I have.
6
SPEAKER_01
Oh, cool, okay.
6
SPEAKER_00
I have one main coping mechanism and it s so silly, but it helps me through life a lot.
6
SPEAKER_00
I m excited.
6
SPEAKER_00
And it s like, dude, you re a gummy bear.
6
SPEAKER_00
And I know it doesn t make sense,
6
SPEAKER_01
I love gummy bears, I m listening.
6
SPEAKER_00
But it s like, all of this is in our head.
6
SPEAKER_00
It s all like a journey in the grand scheme of things.
6
SPEAKER_00
As this individual, I am just a gummy bear.
6
SPEAKER_00
It s not that serious.
6
SPEAKER_00
It s not that deep.
6
SPEAKER_00
Keep moving forward.
6
SPEAKER_00
Of course, it s a contradiction because it s everything to me.
6
SPEAKER_00
It means everything to me.
6
SPEAKER_00
it s my whole being, but it s like, but I m also a gummy bear.
6
SPEAKER_00
So it doesn t really matter if this thing, you know, it doesn t matter.
6
SPEAKER_00
Like, dude, relax, you know?
6
SPEAKER_00
So it was like a fight between those two, but that me being a gummy bear is like,
6
SPEAKER_00
one of the only things that s going to get me through this really hard thing that I m fighting or facing, you know what I mean?
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
6
SPEAKER_01
I like that.
6
SPEAKER_01
I like that.
6
SPEAKER_01
I ve never heard it put that way.
6
SPEAKER_01
So I like it.
6
SPEAKER_01
I like that it s silly.
6
SPEAKER_01
It s, yeah, the idea of embracing our own insignificance.
6
SPEAKER_01
It s like we have our significance.
6
SPEAKER_01
We know what we re doing is important, but at the same time, we ve got to embrace the insignificance of the irrelevant.
6
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, like relax, like it s not that serious.
6
SPEAKER_00
It s super serious, but it s not that serious.
6
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_01
That s a funny conversation inside for sure.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_01
There s another thing that came up was you said that if I settle into a house, I feel like I ll have to be there forever.
6
SPEAKER_01
And there s this idea of like, you know, there s a shot in the documentary with all your suitcases there and you re like not sure about the couch.
6
SPEAKER_01
And I was wondering like, where does the fear of being somewhere forever come from?
6
SPEAKER_00
I think it s like the whole idea of like becoming comfortable, you know?
6
SPEAKER_00
And of course I do have like couches and stuff now.
6
SPEAKER_00
I have like a new couch and I have like my cats, which I was very like hesitant to do.
6
SPEAKER_00
But you know, I was, I was very afraid of getting like super comfortable with my like Hollywood life.
6
SPEAKER_00
You know, I have like my house and stuff and now I m going to get all my, my Grammys over here.
7
SPEAKER_01
and I m going to put my couch right there and here s my Mona Lisa painting, like stuff like that.
7
SPEAKER_01
I was very fearful that once I did that, I m just going to like relax all the time.
7
SPEAKER_01
But now I see it differently.
7
SPEAKER_01
It s like, I want to relax sometimes to keep myself sane.
7
SPEAKER_01
And I am going to put my house together because there s nothing wrong with that.
7
SPEAKER_01
And I have to live because, as I said, this goes by so fast.
7
SPEAKER_01
I m 24, going on 25.
7
SPEAKER_01
And I feel like two days ago, I was 19.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I feel like your home has to be a sanctuary for you, whatever that means for you.
7
SPEAKER_00
It fills and fuels you up for the crazy life you live, because I m sure you re going on tour again.
7
SPEAKER_00
You will go on multiple tours across your lifetime.
7
SPEAKER_00
The time that you are spending there, you want it to be comfortable.
7
SPEAKER_00
You want it to be re-energizing.
7
SPEAKER_00
What does that look to you?
7
SPEAKER_00
What does rest look like for you now?
7
SPEAKER_00
What does taking a break look like to you?
7
SPEAKER_00
Because you are someone who s ambitious and hardworking and driven.
7
SPEAKER_00
But now to get back up on that,
7
SPEAKER_01
I think I have one main thing and it s super simple.
7
SPEAKER_01
It s going to see a movie.
7
SPEAKER_01
I like to go and see a movie like, I don t know, some once, maybe twice, sometimes even three times like a week.
7
SPEAKER_01
And that s like my escapism moment or like my moment of like rest or away from everything, you know, like during my time.
7
SPEAKER_01
You know, when I dropped the artwork for my last single and like, it was like a hellscape.
7
SPEAKER_01
I went to see this movie called Migration, which is like this animated movie about like birds, like flying places.
7
SPEAKER_01
And it s just like this fun, like childlike movie.
7
SPEAKER_01
And I was there.
7
SPEAKER_01
I was in that movie.
7
SPEAKER_01
That was my rest.
7
SPEAKER_01
That was my peace.
7
SPEAKER_01
That was my sense.
7
SPEAKER_01
You know what I mean?
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
7
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I love that.
7
SPEAKER_00
I love going to the movies too.
7
SPEAKER_00
Was that the most recent thing you saw?
7
SPEAKER_00
Was there anything else that kind of, what s been the best movie you ve seen this year with the Oscars are coming up too?
7
SPEAKER_01
I think I want to see like Poor Things, but it was very dark.
7
SPEAKER_00
I haven t seen that yet.
7
SPEAKER_01
Great movie, but very dark.
7
SPEAKER_00
What was it like?
7
SPEAKER_00
I haven t seen it yet.
7
SPEAKER_01
What was it like?
7
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
7
SPEAKER_01
It was like Emma Stone just giving like an amazing performance.
7
SPEAKER_01
It was also like this movie that was so weird.
7
SPEAKER_01
Nothing like what I ve seen before, like very like Ari Aster like vibes.
7
SPEAKER_01
You know what I mean?
7
SPEAKER_00
Right, yeah, yeah.
7
SPEAKER_00
I m glad you re not giving it away.
7
SPEAKER_00
I really want to see it.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I m looking forward to it.
7
SPEAKER_00
I love going to movies too.
7
SPEAKER_00
I m a big, big, I loved Oppenheimer last year.
7
SPEAKER_00
Have you seen that yet?
7
SPEAKER_01
I saw Oppenheimer, but it wasn t for me.
7
SPEAKER_00
It wasn t for me.
7
SPEAKER_00
I m a Nolan fan, Christopher Nolan fan, and like every movie he makes I m like,
7
SPEAKER_00
I love it when, well, Oppenheimer I got more of.
7
SPEAKER_00
Tenet was the one that was the hardest one to get.
7
SPEAKER_00
I don t know if you ever saw that.
7
SPEAKER_00
I liked Tenet.
7
SPEAKER_00
I didn t get it, but I like it.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
7
SPEAKER_00
He makes movies.
7
SPEAKER_00
I love his movies because he s always creating things where it s not set up to be consumed like the average movie.
7
SPEAKER_00
Like you ve got to Google.
7
SPEAKER_00
You have to think about it.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, you ve got to think.
7
SPEAKER_01
You have to look up and go on a forum or something and try to understand it.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, yeah.
7
SPEAKER_00
I m that guy, like, looking at every little graphic explaining, like, the time frame and everything else that comes with it.
7
SPEAKER_00
Montero, what is it that, what are you excited about over the next 12 months for you?
7
SPEAKER_00
What s something that s inspiring, pulling you and pushing you forward right now for the next 12 months?
7
SPEAKER_01
I think the main thing I m focused on is picking myself up out of this hole that I feel that I m in, you know what I mean?
7
SPEAKER_01
trying to figure out which songs of the hundreds or whatnot I ve been working on suit me best for going forward.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
7
SPEAKER_00
And what does that process look like?
7
SPEAKER_00
Like how do you, how do you actually do that in an actionable, practical way?
7
SPEAKER_01
I guess trying to feel which ones feel real to me and back to the other thing, but are also like,
7
SPEAKER_01
consumable.
7
SPEAKER_01
You know what I mean?
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
7
SPEAKER_00
And how do you judge that?
7
SPEAKER_00
Because I guess like, how do you, as an artist, even, are you just trusting intuition?
7
SPEAKER_00
Is there data?
7
SPEAKER_00
Is there prayer?
7
SPEAKER_00
Like how, yeah.
7
SPEAKER_00
What is that?
7
SPEAKER_01
Intuition plus like, I feel like spiritual, like signs.
7
SPEAKER_00
Walk me through the spiritual signs.
7
SPEAKER_00
I like that.
7
SPEAKER_01
For example, in my last song, my last single, J Christ, I was kind of hesitant.
7
SPEAKER_01
I was like, is this where I m going to get me to the next place?
7
SPEAKER_01
And every time I would think about it, I would magically see a cross in the distance or something like that.
7
SPEAKER_01
I was like, okay,
7
SPEAKER_01
this is a part of my journey.
7
SPEAKER_01
This is something, this is a threshold I have to cross through to get to the other side.
7
SPEAKER_01
Or for example, another one, and I was worried about releasing Call Me By Your Name.
7
SPEAKER_01
I m just like, oh my God, I don t know if I should.
7
SPEAKER_01
And then good days by like SZA comes on the radio, you know?
7
SPEAKER_01
And I m just like, ah, and then the most beautiful like sun, sunrise happens at the exact same time.
7
SPEAKER_01
I m just like, okay, this is, you know what I mean?
7
SPEAKER_01
And I guess it s like things that are in everyday life, but I don t mistake that for just being everyday life.
7
SPEAKER_01
Like this is meant to be.
7
SPEAKER_01
This has to happen this way.
7
SPEAKER_00
When did you start looking for those or noticing those in your life?
7
SPEAKER_01
I think when I first moved to LA and I felt like,
7
SPEAKER_01
communicating, you know, I felt like I was talking to my angels.
7
SPEAKER_01
I, it wasn t, it was like magic, you know what I mean?
7
SPEAKER_01
Like, like seeing like angel numbers, like I believe in angel numbers a lot.
7
SPEAKER_01
I ll give you a story.
7
SPEAKER_01
So I m like sitting at this cafe, it s breakfast time, Old Town Road, you know, just hit like number one on the charts.
7
SPEAKER_01
I m already thinking in my head though, I m moving to LA.
7
SPEAKER_01
I m not going to really like be super,
7
SPEAKER_01
you know, with my family and whatnot, like, I m going to do my own thing now.
7
SPEAKER_01
And I started seeing, like, this number.
7
SPEAKER_01
It was, and then I looked up what the number meant.
7
SPEAKER_01
And it was like, you need to, you know, bring your family together, basically.
7
SPEAKER_01
It was like, you need to spend more time with your family to bring your family together.
7
SPEAKER_01
I was like, I was like, no, I don t, I don t think I m gonna do that.
7
SPEAKER_01
And I just started seeing that number over and over and over.
7
SPEAKER_01
And I called my,
7
SPEAKER_01
I called my, my siblings.
7
SPEAKER_01
I was like, I want to have our first, like, what s it called?
7
SPEAKER_01
Family reunion.
7
SPEAKER_01
And I did that thing and I started seeing a different number and I looked up what that number meant.
7
SPEAKER_01
And it was just like, you re on the right path.
7
SPEAKER_01
Like, and I kept seeing that number over and over, you know what I mean?
7
SPEAKER_01
So it was, it was something.
7
SPEAKER_01
It was something like that.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
7
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
7
SPEAKER_00
And, and, and that s, and that s been almost a discovery for you as opposed to something you were taught or trained or learned.
7
SPEAKER_00
It s been self-taught.
7
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
7
SPEAKER_01
And it s also like something that felt very real because, you know, at that time, like I wasn t spiritual at all, you know, I didn t believe in any of the stuff and I was just like, okay, yeah, I see.
7
SPEAKER_01
I, I feel like you guys are there.
7
SPEAKER_01
I don t understand you completely, but.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
7
SPEAKER_00
And what are you like when you can t see the sign or you can t find the answer?
7
SPEAKER_00
Is there something that helps you kind of realign or reconnect?
7
SPEAKER_01
I feel like at that point, I just have to trust what I feel in my heart, you know?
7
SPEAKER_01
And I feel like there s a calm sense when I know something is right.
7
SPEAKER_01
There s like a
7
SPEAKER_01
It s like a washing of, okay, this is good.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
7
SPEAKER_01
I can t explain it.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I get that.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
7
SPEAKER_00
I mean, that s the beauty of trying to explain in words, things that are experienced intangibly, right?
7
SPEAKER_00
It s hard.
7
SPEAKER_00
It s challenging, but I think anyone who s, I know a lot of our community and our audience
7
SPEAKER_00
is able to see signs or knows what their signs are and their experiences and what they are.
7
SPEAKER_00
And I officiated a wedding in December and the individual who s getting married always loves the color blue and sees her father s presence as a butterfly.
7
SPEAKER_00
And when I was leading the ceremony, there was a moment in the ceremony that I asked everyone to close their eyes and meditate with us.
7
SPEAKER_00
And then we opened our eyes and some of us still had our eyes closed and a blue butterfly literally just flew right through the garden.
7
SPEAKER_00
There was only one.
7
SPEAKER_00
It wasn t like we were in a butterfly park or something like that.
7
SPEAKER_00
And I can see that you can sense it.
7
SPEAKER_00
It was just, it was beautiful.
7
SPEAKER_00
Like it was one of those moments where everyone afterwards was like, did you see the blue butterfly?
7
SPEAKER_00
Cause they know how important it is to the bride.
7
SPEAKER_00
And it was just this magical moment for her to have her father s presence at her wedding, who is no longer with us.
7
SPEAKER_00
That s beautiful, man.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it was really, really special.
7
SPEAKER_00
So yeah, I think for those who are on that path, who are aware of those things, I m sure they ll resonate with what you re saying.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it s beautiful.
7
SPEAKER_00
Montero, we end every episode with a final five.
7
SPEAKER_00
These are the fast five.
7
SPEAKER_00
They can only be answered in one word to one sentence maximum.
7
SPEAKER_00
We ask them to every guest.
7
SPEAKER_00
And you ve been such a kind, gracious guest with your time.
7
SPEAKER_00
So Montero, these are your final five.
7
SPEAKER_00
Question number one is, what is the best advice you ve ever heard or received?
7
SPEAKER_01
Do it scared.
7
SPEAKER_00
I like that.
7
SPEAKER_00
Second question, what is the worst advice you ve ever heard or received?
7
SPEAKER_01
I don t know about that one.
7
SPEAKER_01
You block it out?
7
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I don t have that one.
7
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, that s cool.
7
SPEAKER_00
Question number three, what s the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?
7
SPEAKER_01
First thing I do in the morning, I get my cats off the bed.
7
SPEAKER_01
And the last thing I do at night, I try to move my feet in a place where my cats
8
SPEAKER_01
won t scratch it.
8
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
8
SPEAKER_02
Nice.
8
SPEAKER_02
Question number four.
8
SPEAKER_02
What s something that you used to value that you don t value anymore?
8
SPEAKER_01
I guess approval from everyone around me, I guess.
8
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
8
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
8
SPEAKER_02
You re allowing yourself to let that go.
8
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
8
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
8
SPEAKER_02
All right.
8
SPEAKER_02
Fifth and final question.
8
SPEAKER_02
We ask this to every guest who s ever been on the show.
8
SPEAKER_02
If you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be?
8
SPEAKER_01
Can I have a different one?
8
SPEAKER_02
I love that, that s brilliant.
8
SPEAKER_02
That means I have to break my law with you.
8
SPEAKER_02
What advice would you give to your younger self?
8
SPEAKER_01
Make sure you love yourself enough, more than anybody else in this entire world ever could.
8
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I say that.
8
SPEAKER_02
That s it.
8
SPEAKER_02
Long live Montero.
8
SPEAKER_02
The documentary s out right now.
8
SPEAKER_02
Montero, Lil Nas X, it has been, I know for you, however the experience goes, I d love to hear from you, but honestly, I think the depth, the openness, and I want to thank you for showing up when you didn t have to, off your own accord and trusting me and giving me this space and time.
8
SPEAKER_02
So I m grateful to you and thankful to you for showing up in the way that you did.
8
SPEAKER_01
Thank you.
8
SPEAKER_01
I m happy to be here, and I m appreciative of, you know, how you ve, like, helped me through this.
8
SPEAKER_02
Thank you.
8
SPEAKER_02
Cool.
8
SPEAKER_02
Thank you, man.
8
SPEAKER_02
Thank you so much.
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If you love this episode, you ll enjoy my conversation with Meghan Trainor on breaking generational trauma and how to be confident from the inside out.
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My therapist told me stand in the mirror naked for five minutes.
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It was already tough for me to love my body, but after the C-section scar with all the stretch marks, now I m looking at myself like I ve been hacked.
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But day three when I did it, I was like, you know what?
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Her thighs are cute.
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Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt and we re the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
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It s a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
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Like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone and so much more.
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Let s learn about all of it and then some.
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Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on America s number one podcast network, iHeart.
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Open your free iHeart app and search Grown Up Stuff.
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Imagine you asked two people the same seven questions.
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I m Minnie Driver, and this was the idea I set out to explore in my podcast, Minnie Questions.
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This year, we bring a whole new group of guests to answer the same seven questions, including Courtney Cox, Rob Delaney, Liz Phair, and many, many more.
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Join me on season three of Mini Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your favorite podcasts.
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Seven questions.
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Limitless answers.
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Hey, it s me, Blippi, and this is my best friend, Mika.
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Hi, I m Mika, and this is our brand new podcast, Blippi and Mika s Road Trip.
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The Blippi Mobile will take us to amazing places.
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And we ll meet new friends along the way.
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Listen to Blippi and Mika s Road Trip podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.