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Get emotional with me, Radhi Devlukia, in my new podcast, A Really Good Cry.
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We re going to be talking with some of my best friends.
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I didn t know we were going to go there.
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people that I admire.
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When we say listen to your body, really tune in to what s going on.
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Authors of books that have changed my life.
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Now you re talking about sympathy, which is different than empathy.
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Never forget, it s okay to cry, as long as you make it a really good one.
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Listen to A Really Good Cry with Radhi Devlukia on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Something that makes me crazy is when people say, well, I had this career before, but it was a waste.
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And that s where the perspective shift comes, that it s not a waste, that everything you ve done has built you to where you are now.
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This is She Pivots, the podcast where we explore the inspiring pivots women have made and dig deeper into the personal reasons behind them.
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Join me, Emily Tish Sussman, every Wednesday on She Pivots.
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Listen to She Pivots on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Bring a little optimism into your life with The Bright Side, a new kind of daily podcast from Hello Sunshine, hosted by me, Danielle Robay.
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And me, Simone Boyce.
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Every weekday, we re bringing you conversations about culture, the latest trends, inspiration, and so much more.
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I am so excited about this podcast, The Bright Side.
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You guys are giving people a chance to shine a light on their lives, shine a light on a little advice that they want to share.
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Listen to The Bright Side on America s number one podcast network iHeart.
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Open your free iHeart app and search The Bright Side.
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Sometimes the reason we ve disconnected from people or we ve distanced ourselves from people is that we re protecting ourselves from unwanted drama.
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Maybe we haven t had the uncomfortable or awkward discussion and we realize if I just stay far away from this, I never have to have it.
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Now the challenge here is you re missing out on a potentially amazing relationship.
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But what we ve done is instead of setting a boundary, we ve set a barrier.
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Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose.
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I am so grateful that you are back with me here right now.
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Whether you re walking your dog, whether you re cooking, whether you re driving, whether you re just hanging out or whether you re at work, thank you so much for lending me your time, investing your energy and your presence and your focus here on On Purpose.
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Now, something I ve been thinking about a lot lately is just as we grow older,
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As another year goes by, we start to reflect more deeply about the friendships that matter, the people around us, the people at work, the people we spend the most time with.
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How many of you have found yourself in that situation where you re starting to be much more observant about who you give your energy to, who you spend time with,
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how you connect with people and to what level.
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And how many of you are at this point where you re just tired of small talk, you re tired of all the quick chats, the superficial surface level conversation, and you re craving a much deeper, a much more meaningful interaction.
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Now, that doesn t mean that you don t want to have fun.
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It doesn t mean that you don t want to laugh.
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It doesn t mean that you don t just want to have a great time, of course.
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You want all of that, but you want it to mean more.
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You want it to matter more.
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You want it to lead to more in that relationship rather than less.
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And I think a lot of us are feeling distant, feeling further away, feeling disconnected from people that we were once close with.
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How many of you have a friend in your life that you know you used to talk to every day, but now you rarely talk?
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How many of you have someone in your life that you used to feel it was so easy to connect with, but recently you ve just started to find it more and more difficult to open up?
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And how many of you are struggling to find someone to be vulnerable with?
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I think we re hearing a lot about the loneliness epidemic.
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We re hearing a lot about the disconnectedness of humanity, especially since the pandemic.
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I think we ve all found it harder and harder to kind of go back to what we had before.
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And we haven t really found where we re heading now.
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And I think a lot of people are feeling this where you re in a different emotional
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maturity, and state than the people in your life, right?
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How many of you have felt that, where you re like, well, I m on this emotional track, and I thought this person was with me, but actually they re on a completely different track?
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And it may have even taken you a while to even let that settle and to understand it.
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At the core of it, what a lot of us feel is that we don t have people around us who really understand us,
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who really see us and who really hear us.
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Right?
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Have you felt that recently where you re like, I think I m talking to a wall.
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I think I m talking right through people.
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Or maybe you re feeling, oh, I don t want to trouble someone with this.
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I know that they ve got enough on.
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But we all have that feeling, that need of yearning for connection, of yearning for understanding.
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The first thing I m going to ask you to focus on, as I always do, is yourself.
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Do you understand where you re at and can you articulate it effectively?
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I think for so many of us, we re wanting other people to understand us, other people to read our minds, we assume that they should know, we assume that they should be able to adapt, that they should recognize, acknowledge, value, whatever it is that we need.
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But I really want you to sit with this.
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Do you understand where you re at, and can you articulate it?
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I think this is such an important point in order for you to consider, because the better you are at communicating, sharing how you feel, why you feel that way, what you re going through, you re actually increasing the listener s ability to also comprehend your thoughts.
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Now the second point I wanted to make today is from a writer named Brian A. Chalker.
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And this writer wrote this beautiful poem called Season, Reason, or a Lifetime.
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This has been such a big reflection point in my life.
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And as the author says, everyone comes into our life for a season, a reason, or a lifetime.
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And I want to ask you to think about a list of people that came to your mind when I started this episode.
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And ask yourself, is that a seasonal person?
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Is that someone who came in for one season?
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And that was it?
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Or are they someone who shows up seasonally, but then they aren t as relevant, important, consistent at other times?
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You think about certain things, right?
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You don t eat ice cream all year round.
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But it s really fun when you can eat ice cream when it s hot outside and it s warm and you re feeling like it.
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But you don t have to eat it every day to appreciate it.
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I think we often feel like, oh, if someone s seasonal, they re not good.
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If someone s seasonal or just for a season, then they re not a great person.
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The truth is they can play their role, they can play their part, and you play your part and your role in their life, and things go on.
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It s when we expect to be able to eat ice cream all year round that we have the issue, right?
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We don t have an issue with the fact that we like enjoying ice cream at a certain time of year, but to think I need it all year round, that s where the challenge arises.
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So when your life is like that, maybe they re back every summer,
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Maybe they turn up at the beginning of the year or the end of the year, or they re amazing during the holidays.
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Maybe they re a family member.
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But they re not someone that you can hang out with all the time.
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They re not someone who resonates all the time.
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It s okay.
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And what we re doing is we re almost compartmentalizing for ourselves that that is a seasoned person or a seasonal person, and that s their role.
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We re not expecting more of them.
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And we re not expecting less of them.
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We recognize what they want to do in our life.
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And what I ve realized is when you can accept what someone shows you is who they want to be and how they show up for you, you can now share moments and memories with them without what they should have been, what they could have been, what they should have been for you by now, right?
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So I want you to recognize that.
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Chalka also talks about people who come into your life for a reason.
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These are often the most difficult people that we meet, right?
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This could be someone who actually caused a challenge or an issue.
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They came in our life to teach us something that was painful.
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And if you went through this a while ago, you can now see
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the reason, but if you went through it recently, the reason is the last thing you want.
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So if you re going through pain right now, if you re going through stress right now, if you re going through pressure right now because someone just came in, created a whirlwind and then left, and you can t see the reason right now because you re just dealing with the debris that s cascaded all over your life, then that s okay.
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But at one point, with some distance, you ll be able to recognize the reason.
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And when we recognize the reason, it changes us.
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When we recognize the reason that someone came into our life with, we now protect ourself from that experience in the future and we prepare ourself to know.
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These two points are really important.
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We prepare ourself
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for future relationships, and we protect ourselves for future relationships.
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And this is something that I really want you to hone in on and value and deeply, deeply recognize of where in your life have you not understood the reason someone came in with?
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Maybe there was someone long, long ago that you ve even hidden away that you feel triggered by an uncomfortable bringing up,
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In a safe space maybe with a therapist with a friend maybe when you ve created some distance reflect on it and ask yourself when they did that what did i learn from it what was the reason.
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And the third part that Chalker talks about is people who are there for a lifetime.
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There are some people who may not have the biggest impact on you.
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They may not do the most for you, but they re always around.
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They re always there.
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Their loyalty, even when it s tested, proves to be true.
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It proves to be real.
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It proves to be powerful.
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And that person you realize who s with you for a lifetime is someone that you continue to invest in.
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So I want you to think about who in your life is a season, who in your life is a reason, and who in your life came in and has stayed for a lifetime.
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And start understanding that it s okay that people play different roles in your life and you play different roles in their life.
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And I think when we expect everyone to play the same role, or we expect everyone to behave the same, or we expect everyone to respect us the same, or respond with us the same, or connect with us the same, that s when our challenges occur.
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That s when our issues occur.
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Now, maybe you re thinking that there are certain friends you want to rebuild with.
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And I want to do a reflection exercise with you.
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You can even journal about this.
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I want to ask you, what has broken?
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So when I asked you earlier, like, oh, maybe there s someone in your life that you used to talk to, you don t talk with anymore, or someone you used to be open with, but now you can t imagine anything but being closed with.
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If you want to fix it, if you want to repair it, the first question is why?
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Why is it worth repairing?
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Do we really believe that that person has something to offer us?
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Do we really believe that we need some closure?
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We have to get really intentional and clear about why we would revisit an old relationship.
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And then we have to ask ourselves, what broke?
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Was it trust?
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Was it connection?
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And on a scale of 1 to 10, how bad was it?
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How truly bad was that disconnect?
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And ask yourself, what in your current state of that relationship makes you feel uncomfortable or devalued that you ve let it go?
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Is it too big?
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Is it too much to bear to have to reconnect, putting aside how devalued you feel?
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Or is the relationship worth more to you?
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And I think that s the question we have to ask ourselves if we re trying to repair a relationship.
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Is repairing this relationship worth more to me
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than the pain caused when trying to repair it.
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Repairing anything will be uncomfortable, it ll be hard, it ll be challenging.
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But sometimes the belief that I want to do the right thing, I want to have this conversation.
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And this applies to current relationships.
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I know that there s someone I m building a friendship with right now, and we re growing in our trust, we re growing in our loyalty.
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and I had to call them last week and have a really uncomfortable conversation with them about something that I thought could negatively affect our relationship, and actually it positively improved it.
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Hey guys, it s Jay Shetty here, and I couldn t be more excited to share this exciting news.
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You asked, we delivered.
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Juni sparkling tea with adaptogens made by my wife and I are now available in all Sprout locations across the country.
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Juni is the perfect midday pick-me-up.
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With only 1 third of the caffeine found in brewed green tea, it provides a gentle energy boost without the crash.
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It only has 5 calories and 0 grams of sugar, making it the perfect drink.
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Plus, it s made with a delicious blend of adaptogens and nootropics that may help boost your metabolism, combat stress, pack your body with antioxidants, and stimulate brain function.
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Head over to your local Sprouts or visit sprouts.com to find the closest location near you.
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Now, I didn t call with the expectation that me being honest and vulnerable and transparent would improve the relationship.
1
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I didn t call with the intention or the belief that they would turn around and say, Jay, I really respect you.
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Because when we act in a way in order to gain a certain reaction, we often leave feeling quite
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reduced and disappointed.
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What I mean by that is if we behave in a certain way or act in a certain way because we are predicting, expecting, or wanting a particular type of response, we re setting ourselves up for failure.
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We ve got to have the conversation because we believe it s the right thing to do.
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We have to have the conversation because we believe that it s the honest thing to do.
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We have to be the one to have a conversation because we think to ourselves, this is how I d like people to treat me.
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This is how I d like to be led.
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This is how I d like to connect.
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And when we do it with that reason, whatever the response is, whether it s positive or whether it s not what we were looking for, we can hold our head high and still move forward.
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If you re trying to reconnect with someone too, I would ask yourself, when was the last time you deeply checked in with them?
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I find that our society has become a lot more self-centered.
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We re always like, why is no one checking in with me?
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Why do people treat me like that?
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Why did they say that to me?
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And sometimes I find, and by the way, I m prone to this as well, where I don t have the self-awareness.
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Like, I don t see myself behaving in the same way as I don t like someone else behaving, right?
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Does that make sense?
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Does that resonate?
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Like, I remember someone I knew was telling someone else, they re like, I can t believe you go to your boring job every day.
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And in my head I m thinking, wow, like if you re making that person feel boring and that s the job they have to go to every day, imagine how bad they re going to feel.
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But this same person was saying they can t believe people say to them, oh, I can t believe you re deciding to do that.
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That sounds scary.
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That sounds like the wrong thing.
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So often we don t even have the self-awareness to deduce
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that what we re saying to others is what we don t like people saying to us.
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The way we behave with others is a behavior that we don t appreciate in the way people behave with us.
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That, to me, is a really subtle and nuanced point, but it can truly save or break relationships.
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Now, I have to acknowledge that not every friendship has to have a future.
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Just because you had a past, just because you have memories, just because you have nostalgia, doesn t mean you have to force a future with a friend.
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It is okay to let it go.
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It s okay to let them go or let them let you go.
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It s okay.
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Trying to force a friendship into the future
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will actually cost you more than you realize.
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Because if someone doesn t want to be in your life, or if you ve realized that you no longer want to be in theirs, you re simply wasting time and energy.
1
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Let s celebrate something for what it was.
1
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Let s revel in what it was at the time when it served us, it nourished us, and it s okay if it doesn t anymore.
1
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You had a lunchbox that you took to school every day.
1
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You don t use the same lunchbox anymore.
1
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You wore clothes that you loved and felt really cool in.
1
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You don t wear the same clothes anymore.
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You lived in an apartment that you ve outgrown.
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It s OK.
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And we don t have to do it with bitterness.
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We don t have to do it with pain, we can do it with love, celebration and a positive outlook.
2
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One of the reasons why we feel distant from our friends is because our best memory with them is an old one.
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The last time our relationship achieved something or we did something was an old one.
2
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And one of the biggest things I found with friendships and why they felt shallow and not deep was I found myself, especially because I ve left London now, I found myself whenever I went back home, I would often spend time with big groups of people.
2
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And I found a lot of my friends do that too, right?
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We run out of time.
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We have less and less time.
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We can t see everyone, couples, friends individually.
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And so we go, okay, let s just invite everyone over once a month and we ll see everyone.
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And what ends up happening is you have this really small, short conversation, this small talk exchange with each and every person.
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You know what it feels like.
2
SPEAKER_00
You ve hosted before.
2
SPEAKER_00
You just about get to, oh, how was your last week?
2
SPEAKER_00
How was the weekend?
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SPEAKER_00
Oh, yeah, you went to that place.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, great.
2
SPEAKER_00
OK, let me move on.
2
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Oh, yeah, how s your week been?
2
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Oh, yeah, your new job.
2
SPEAKER_00
Congrats.
2
SPEAKER_00
OK, let s move on.
2
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The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is an NAACP and Webby Award winning podcast dedicated to all things mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves.
2
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Here, we have the conversations that help black women decipher how their past inform who they are today.
2
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and use that information to decide who they want to be moving forward.
2
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We chat about things like how to establish routines that center self-care, what burnout looks and feels like, and defining what aspects of our lives are making us happy and what parts are holding us back.
2
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I m your host, Dr. Joy Harden-Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia.
2
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And I can t wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday.
2
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Listen to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
2
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Take good care, and we ll see you there.
2
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Get emotional with me, Radhi Devlukia, in my new podcast, A Really Good Cry.
2
SPEAKER_02
We re going to talk about and go through all the things that are sometimes difficult to process alone.
2
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We re going to go over how to regulate your emotions, diving deep into holistic personal development, and just building your mindset to have a happier, healthier life.
2
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We re going to be talking with some of my best friends.
2
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I didn t know we were going to go there.
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people that I admire.
2
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When we say listen to your body, really tune in to what s going on.
2
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Authors of books that have changed my life.
2
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Now you re talking about sympathy, which is different than empathy.
2
SPEAKER_02
And basically have conversations that can help us get through this crazy thing we call life.
2
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I already believe in myself.
2
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I already see myself.
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And so when people give me an opportunity, I m just like,
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Oh great, you see me too!
2
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We ll laugh together, we ll cry together, and find a way through all of our emotions.
2
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Never forget, it s okay to cry, as long as you make it a really good one.
2
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Listen to A Really Good Cry with Radhi Devlukia on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
2
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When you find that bright spot to help you get through your day, it s powerful.
2
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That s where The Bright Side comes in.
2
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A new daily podcast from Hello Sunshine that s bringing you a daily dose of joy.
2
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I m Danielle Robay.
2
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And I m Simone Boyce.
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Listen, both Danielle and I are reporters.
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We ve covered the news and we know the world can feel heavy, but The Bright Side podcast is a space to have a little fun, to learn something new and get into some friendly debates.
2
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That s right, join us five days a week to see how life can look from the bright side.
2
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We ll hear from celebrities, authors, experts, and listeners like you.
2
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Whether it s relationships, friend advice, or figuring out how to navigate life s transitions, we ll talk through it all together.
2
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Listen to The Bright Side from Hello Sunshine every weekday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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When we re connecting with lots of people,
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in a fast, shallow, and simple way, we re naturally making our relationship less and less deep and less and less meaningful.
2
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If we re always spending time with people in large groups where we have to move on from conversations quickly,
2
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We have to figure out if you re hosting, obviously you got to do all the hosting stuff and you re not getting that time and space.
2
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Your relationship will always depend on how close you were back in the day.
2
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I have a friend that we invested in deeply with probably over 10 years ago.
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And now if I see him, it s easy for me to reconnect with him and
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kick it off from where we left off, but that s what we re doing.
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We re kicking off from over 10 years ago because we don t have a dynamic live relationship right now.
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And so I have to ask myself, is this a relationship I want?
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Is this a relationship I care about?
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Is this a relationship that I value?
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Then let me make sure I m having these one-to-one conversations with.
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I ve noticed this because I ve got friends back in London that I do talk to on the phone one-on-one.
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I ve noticed that those are the relationships that satisfy me the most.
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Those are the relationships that mean the most to me.
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And so really figure out how much of your time are you spending in groups and how much of your time are you spending one-to-one.
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And I would argue
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To really make sense of it, I would say 75% of our time should be spent one-on-one with the people we care about, and 25% should be spent in groups.
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Group time is amazing.
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It s exciting, it s fun, it s helpful in different ways, it s healing in different ways.
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But it s so important to have that one-to-one time.
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Sometimes the reason we ve disconnected from people or we ve distanced ourselves from people is that we re protecting ourselves from unwanted drama or unwanted anxiety.
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So we stay distanced, right?
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Like maybe we didn t have a closer conversation.
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Maybe we didn t figure out a relationship conversation.
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Maybe we haven t had the uncomfortable or awkward discussion.
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And we realize if I just stay far away from this, I never have to have it.
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How many of you have felt that way?
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Well, you actually want to be close to someone, but you stay away from them because you know it requires a really painful conversation.
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Now, the challenge here is you re missing out.
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on a potentially amazing relationship.
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That person might be sitting there wondering what s going wrong as well and what s happened to that relationship as well.
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And we almost miss out on the depth of connection.
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But I understand it.
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I understand it.
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But what we ve done is instead of setting a boundary,
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We ve set a barrier.
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This is a really important point I want you to listen to.
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So often, when we re trying to set boundaries, we end up setting barriers.
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Barriers keep others out.
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Boundaries keep us safe from ourselves.
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Barriers make us believe the problem is the way someone treats us.
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Boundaries are us understanding and accepting that we need to treat ourselves better.
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don t get so busy building a barrier that you lose out on a relationship or a friendship because you were actually meant to set a boundary.
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What I mean by this is if I reached out to someone and said, hey, you know what?
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I know we haven t talked in a while.
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And I always felt, and by the way, I did this last year.
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I remember talking to a friend and just saying, hey, man, like, I think we got distant a while ago.
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And this was the reason I got distant.
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And this is why I felt we got distant.
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And I d love to hear your thoughts.
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Now, I ve lifted the barrier that I ve placed, and I m allowing to hear this.
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Now, once that person has shared how they feel with me, which they did, we can now set a healthier boundary of how we d like to deal with that moving forward together.
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And so a boundary is often something you can both build, and maybe it s not even a boundary.
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Maybe it s a bridge.
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Maybe it s a bridge you re building and say, this is when we cross it, and this is when we don t.
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And I think that building a bridge back to someone with a conversation is a really healthy way to restart, rekindle, re-spark something that was meaningful to us before.
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Now, the biggest point I want to make today is this one.
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A sign that you feel like you don t fit in, the sign that you don t feel disconnected, is also a sign that you re growing.
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It s a sign that you re evolving.
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It s a sign that you re moving forward and you re finding your way.
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The difference to know this, to know whether you re growing up or whether you re growing apart, is whether you re bitter or not.
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If you re growing up, you won t be bitter.
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You ll realize that person was a season, that person was a reason, right?
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And then you ll grow up.
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But if you re...
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growing apart or growing bitter that s when you re thinking oh yeah gosh they re not the same you re complaining you re finding faults you re like oh yeah like they
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did this to me, they did that to me, they should have done this to me, they should have done that to me, and now we re not growing.
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We re just growing apart from them.
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So I would ask you and encourage you to think about the fact that if you don t fit in anymore, that s okay.
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We all go through growth spurts.
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We go through growth phases.
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I know the plants in my house are outgrowing their pots all the time, right?
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They gotta say bye-bye to that soil.
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I know nothing about plants, but I know that much, that they definitely outgrow some of the pots that they were planted in.
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And that s okay, and you might be going through that right now.
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But what we got to be careful of is don t let growing up become growing bitter.
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Because growing bitter creates an environment of gossip, of fault-finding, of complaining.
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And when we start complaining and fault-finding, we find ourselves stuck in that space for much longer than we ever, ever imagined.
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I hope that these themes help you today to repair friendships that are important to you.
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I hope they help you deepen your relationships with the people around you.
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And I often find that our best relationships with people are when we do difficult things together.
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What I mean by that is the reason why some of our old relationships are our strongest ones is because those people stuck with us through our greatest growth periods.
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our first breakup, our first job, our first redundancy.
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our first child, our first divorce.
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Those relationships, because they helped you survive a pain point for you, or you helped them survive a pain point for them, is the reason why they re so strong.
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Strong relationships are not built because you went to the movies together.
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Strong relationships are not built because you message each other on social media.
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Strong relationships are not built because you went to a concert together.
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They re built because you helped each other do hard things.
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So don t shy away when your friends need help.
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Don t shy away when you need help to ask for help.
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Because that s when our best bonds are created.
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And stop looking at what people can do for you, and start focusing on how much you do for them when they need it, and how available you are to others as well.
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Thank you so much for listening to On Purpose.
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I hope you re listening every day.
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I hope you re listening multiple times a day.
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Remember, we have over 500 episodes of interviews and solos for you to go back to.
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This was On Purpose.
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Thank you for choosing us to listen, learn, and grow.
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And I ll see you soon.
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If you loved this episode, you ll love my interview with Dr. Gabor Maté on understanding your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds to start moving on from the past.
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Everything in nature grows only where it s vulnerable.
3
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So a tree doesn t grow where it s hard and thick, does it?
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It grows where it s soft and green and vulnerable.
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Mental health is now talked about more than ever, which is awesome.
3
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I mean, I don t have to tell you that it s a primary focus of On Purpose.
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But on a day-to-day basis, many people don t know where to turn or which tools can help.
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Over the past couple of years, I ve been working with Calm to make mental wellness accessible and enjoyable, or as I like to say, fun and easy.
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Calm has all sorts of content to help you reduce anxiety and stress, build mindful habits, improve sleep, and generally feel better in your daily life.
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So many bite-sized options from the most knowledgeable experts in the world, along with renowned meditation teachers.
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You can also check out my 7-minute daily series to help you live more mindfully each and every day.
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Right now, listeners of On Purpose get 40% off a subscription to Calm Premium at calm.com forward slash j. That s c-a-l-m.com forward slash j-a-y for 40% off.
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Calm your mind, change your life.
3
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Discover a new educational and interactive podcast, Stories for Kids by Lingokids.
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Our episodes are packed with fun activities.
3
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Right, Elliot?
3
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Oh, yes.
3
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We went shape hunting around the block, and we found spheres and cubes on the street.
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That was great fun.
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Join Stories for Kids, the Lingokids podcast, inspiring you to learn while having fun.
3
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Listen to Stories for Kids on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
3
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The Black Effect presents Family Therapy, and I m your host, Elliot Connick.
3
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Jay is the woman in this dynamic who is currently co-parenting two young boys with her former partner, David.
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David, he is a leader.
3
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He just don t want to leave me.
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But how do you lead a woman?
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How do you lead in a relationship?
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Like, what s the blue part?
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David, you just asked the most important question.
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Listen to Family Therapy on the Black Effect podcast network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Imagine you asked two people the same seven questions.
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I m Minnie Driver, and this was the idea I set out to explore in my podcast, Minnie Questions.
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This year, we bring a whole new group of guests to answer the same seven questions, including Courtney Cox, Rob Delaney, Liz Phair, and many, many more.
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Join me on season three of Minnie Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your favorite podcasts.
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Seven questions, limitless answers.