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Aside from this hotel possibly 100% being haunted, I don t want to hear children singing when I go to bed.
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Is that weird, Dan?
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In a falsetto with little night counts on?
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And they re just in a tricycle going around your bed?
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You get scared.
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I said, I didn t want to say anything, but the kids upstairs are noisy and they go, there s no upstairs.
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Hey, man.
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Hey, man, that really boils my blood.
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I was going to ask you, when you get mad, what do you say?
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Do you say, it steams my beans?
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Oh, no.
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Steams beans?
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No, I really got a bee in my bonnet.
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Really?
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I m my dad used to say, Oh, Jesus Christ, it gripes my ass.
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And it was always about nothing like a parking garage that charges more or something.
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No, I like there s grind my gears.
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Farley was burned my onion.
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Is that one to say that?
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It really burns my onion.
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I don t know.
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I think that was it.
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I look fucking great.
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But you know what, Dana?
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I am out of on the road.
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So I, the hair looks pretty good.
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Wow.
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What did you, how did you, is Heather there with you?
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Yeah.
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Oh, of course.
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I can t.
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Well, it looks good.
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Let s break it down for people who try to do this.
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If you ve got a ring light.
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It s not a ring light, Dana.
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Well, you re just facing the window.
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This is just me.
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With no light?
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There s no light, all the lights are off, it s pitch black.
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It s just your inner light s coming out.
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It s my glow, I have an aura here, an outer aura, which is like a ring light.
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All aura your head in, in a minute.
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Did your dad ever use that on you when he was around?
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Yeah, he wasn t that clever.
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You know what my dad did do, which is funny,
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because he was a deadbeat dad, but when he would walk by me in our little crummy apartment, we shared a room when I was 18, and I would be in the bathroom, and he d walk by me like this, and he d poke his head around the corner and go, see anybody you like?
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Anytime I m looking at myself.
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I see anybody like, and I go, get out of here, dude.
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What are you doing?
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Well, we had five kids, one bathroom.
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It was hard to get in the back.
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We had a piece of a mirror this big.
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We didn t have a bathroom.
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We had an outhouse.
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We had to look at our hair in the back of a spoon.
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Yeah, my dad would cut our hair and shave our heads.
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Oh, that s child abuse.
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In the 60s, mid-60s, you want to look like George Harrison.
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There s a UFO in the background.
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Yeah, they re just blows by.
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Okay, so I ll tell you a quick thing.
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This, Dana, I ordered room circus yesterday.
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This is Tabasco, right?
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Yeah.
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Seems harmless enough.
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I ll fucking kill.
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Is that a large?
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Is that a big jar of it?
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This is a large.
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Who are the dwarfs that make that shit?
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When women come over, I put this next to my wiener.
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I go, this is a full bottle.
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Why do you say wiener so often?
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I don t know, because it sounds stupider.
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But this one, first of all, I still don t have it open.
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I gave this 18 minutes to open and I could not open it.
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Yeah.
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I finally sawed this part off with a knife.
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You can t tell on the white part either.
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Yes.
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And that didn t help.
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Whacked it.
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I went on Instagram, people are like saying, put it in your teeth and go, no, no, I go to my people.
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And no one was right.
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Someone said, soak it in the tub.
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Someone said, get a bigger bottle.
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I don t have it.
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I have this.
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This is all I have.
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And it s sort of like a hexagon.
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So I need probably a socket wrench.
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Come here, Heather.
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Heather, finally got one laugh from her.
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Now, I ll tell you, Dana, today, because I m such a colossal pussy, I had them open it first.
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This one, the green part, I got the green part off the top.
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That was 12 minutes.
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Now, this came also, ketchup, and guess what?
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I knew how to open that.
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That one flummoxed.
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Not such a pussy now.
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I ve never gotten a plastic ketchup thing apart, man.
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That thing is good.
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You gotta really, it s got some grooves.
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So Tabasco Gate is fixed.
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Also, I- The drama of you on the road.
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The road.
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I know these are just stories in the road.
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It doesn t mean they re particularly hysterical, but that, and then have you ever had this?
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Aside from this hotel possibly 100% being haunted.
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I don t wanna hear children singing when I go to bed.
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Is that weird, Dan?
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In a falsetto with little nightgowns on, and they re just in a tricycle going around your bed.
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You get scared.
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I said, I didn t want to say anything, but the kids upstairs are noisy and they go, there s no upstairs.
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You re on the top floor.
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Well, that s when you sit up in bed and just as loud as you can go, I am Satan.
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Oh my God.
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I m too scared to say anything.
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Oh, really loud.
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You just sit up.
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Oh, I can t.
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I m not going to get into the haunted part with him because I ll scare him.
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No, no, no.
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I m haunted every night.
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I mean, I will tell you what does grind my gears.
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Oh, yes.
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When you and this this is road problems.
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These are fake problems.
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We re doing fine.
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We understand that David s on the road, cars and headlighting and headlighting and amphitheater.
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But hotels are just interesting.
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So I get this is what I don t realize when I hear the creaks and squeaks is the
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You have your room near the elevator.
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And I m backed up to the elevator, chef.
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So when I m like... I m like, is that an air conditioner?
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And I realized, oh my God, next day I walk out, I m backed up to the goddamn elevator, and it s all night.
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And then I start to go, what are these people doing at 4 a.m.?
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Where are you going?
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Boom.
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Room service.
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It s literally 4 a.m.
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Well, first of all, we ll get you a new travel agent, because the first thing you do is, could I get a room not near the elevator?
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I don t even think of that.
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You ve only been on the road for 40 years, and you re finally discovering
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I m so my list of demands is I can t add to it.
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Well, let s add it up.
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Elevator kept you up all night.
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Tabasco sauce flummoxed you.
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You actually have a sprained thumb and you can t feel your right hand trying to open it.
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SPEAKER_04
My clavicle is out.
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And also, I don t have a 316 socket wrench.
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SPEAKER_04
You broke your rib on the Heinz ketchup opening that thing.
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SPEAKER_04
No, this thing I really had, I was okay with, so I was kind of bragging.
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But also, okay, when I went to Canada last week, this is a stupid one, but I didn t have my passport.
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We couldn t find it.
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What s that about?
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And what it s about is, and I did say sorry, but they were like, there s not a chance you re getting on this plane.
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And I thought not to be
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but there s definitely people coming in the country with nothing and they just waltz in.
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I m like, you re not going to stop me.
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SPEAKER_04
I, I m okay.
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I pay my tax.
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I do everything right.
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Just let me in.
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If no one s doing it anymore.
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And I had a banana, that banana is not going to make it.
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I will.
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I can go across a border with a gun and I would be fine.
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Yeah.
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I can t walk.
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Cause you can see my banana.
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That s what she said.
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No, nobody did.
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All right, I m keeping track.
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Two references to your ding dong.
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I m holding my banana, not like the guy at the gas pumps.
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Right.
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To be continued later in the show.
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Guy s a friend of mine.
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You got a lot of friends.
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Yeah.
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So anyway, I was very flummoxed, as you would say, because I was frustrated that
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It s not fair to crack down on one side of the border and not crack down the other.
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Let me either walk in, and then they go, you re going to need that real ID pretty soon.
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go to the DMV, I m like, I m not doing jack shit, how about that?
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God, you re like a little rebel.
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Yeah, I m fucking crazy.
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I had that, they wouldn t let me through, and they had me sign autographs, we re big fans, I took pictures, now can I go through, no passport, going to Mexico, no, no.
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But we d like a church lady pick if we could.
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We love you, but I don t know.
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And they said, not only can t you get on the plane, we want you to get the
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fuck out of this airport yeah i mean i like it what they go what would happen if you got into mexico or canada it would be fucking pandemonium you would ruin this you d ruin it and you re like yeah i guess i got i was coming out of alcapulco and i didn t have the ticket stub or something so they they took me to a special room to interrogate me and i thought
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They can do anything.
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What am I, in an episode of Narcos all of a sudden, just trying to get back to San Diego if I could, all right?
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But they were like, hey.
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They go, what s this hot water balloon filled with cocaine up your butt?
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You re like, oh, that s not mine.
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SPEAKER_01
Where you want to go on this flight, man?
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SPEAKER_01
What the fuck?
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SPEAKER_01
What the fuck?
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SPEAKER_01
Why do you want to go on this flight?
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SPEAKER_01
Well, I just want to get back home.
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SPEAKER_01
You don t got a certificate, man.
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SPEAKER_01
You got to pick up the certificate.
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SPEAKER_01
Where do I get it?
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In the certificate hut.
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Yeah.
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I ll sell you one right now.
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Also, this Seinfeld situation kind of got blown out of proportion this week.
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It was shootout at Seinfeld Corral.
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Well, first to preface, just to keep the story going in a full circle back to- This story will never die.
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It s just one of those stories.
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Everyone s got an opinion.
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It s trending.
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It s not a big deal.
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I think the problem was, Jerry, me and you are friends.
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We re all friends with Howard.
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Howard and Jerry are friends.
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So we re all in the same biz and you don t want to rub someone wrong.
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Obviously, Jerry was being fun with us.
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He was being complimentary to us.
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there was a little shrapnel just because maybe he worded it not perfectly, but we all know Jerry loves Howard.
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Howard s got a great show.
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Howard s doing just fine.
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And this made me, it was sort of, it got a little out of control, but it was, I think the whole thing was just a smoldering ember, nothing too horrible.
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If I had to close the book on it because- We can t.
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I understood where Jerry was coming from.
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Sure.
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But you go on a podcast for 90 minutes.
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We don t have a script, folks.
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I mean, I ve had people send me letters going, how do you and David, do you have a teleprompter?
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This can t so perfect.
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It can t be improvised.
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So then you re saying stuff for like 90 minutes to not have some regrets, podcast regret.
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But I think that Jerry, in the end of the day, he s very protective and proprietary about what he considers pure standups, especially standups and comedy.
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And I remember I told him on that on an hour repeating other podcasts.
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But I said, Lauren, Lauren Michaels, Lauren Michaels, things as he has these things, he says, and I m moving here.
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He goes, what will there be funny people there?
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Because there s like only nine hundred of us on the planet.
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And Jerry didn t.
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I don t think so.
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So that s just him being protective of us, said the wrong things.
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Now they re friends.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I think he s saying just a pure actual touring standup comedian.
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That s all.
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But Howard is very funny.
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I ve listened to Howard forever and always makes me laugh.
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He s hysterical.
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He s the king of whatever.
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SPEAKER_00
Even when I did that Netflix golf tournament, whatever stupid thing, it was fun.
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Bill Burr was there and we joked about Bill Burr because he was, you know, he just rolled in and what he was wearing.
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And so I called Bill Burr.
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I said, now that got, Jerry got me thinking.
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So I said, Bill,
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but we did some dumb thing about you.
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We won t put it on, whatever you want. 
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And he goes, I don t give a fuck.
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He s like, just don t go after my act, which is true.
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That s the sore spot.
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If you go after some comedian s act, that s like very mean.
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I m just goofing around because we were all golfing and wearing stupid stuff.
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SPEAKER_01
Does any comedian ever go after someone s act, like takes a line?
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Yeah, yeah.
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Or they say their act is soft or they say it s bullshit.
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That one stings more.
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SPEAKER_01
Well, what happens with comedians is because we re all helpless little child and we were the class clown in fourth grade.
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And so when there s a new kid in town, like Toy Story, you know, this reflexive thing is, is like, you want to bring them down.
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SPEAKER_01
I would do it sometimes with, uh, like if Paul and I are watching TV and Brad Pitt comes on, I ll just say something like, uh, he s gross.
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SPEAKER_01
I don t, I don t get it.
1
SPEAKER_01
What s that all about?
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t get it.
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SPEAKER_01
You know, he goes, I do.
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SPEAKER_01
She has, I do, and that s all that matters.
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SPEAKER_01
I ve had people say that Rob Williams in his prime, just kind of jealous comedians.
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SPEAKER_01
I don t get it, man.
1
SPEAKER_01
What s that all about?
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SPEAKER_01
What s he really doing?
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SPEAKER_01
Destroying the room comedically for an hour and a half, I think.
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SPEAKER_00
Raping and pillaging every audience.
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So to close this subject, I d say that watch your inner child and remember, at the end of the day, just be kind.
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SPEAKER_00
Oh boy, that got heavier than I thought.
1
SPEAKER_01
We re going to have a music cue put in on that.
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SPEAKER_00
At the end of the day, be kind rewind.
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SPEAKER_00
Nearly 75% of people have subscriptions they ve forgotten about.
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SPEAKER_00
I don t know if you knew that.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
But before Rocket Money, I had, by the way, this happened to me, right?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
I didn t know, I got something from, I m not gonna say the name, but it was on my bill.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so for once I chased it down.
1
SPEAKER_00
I said, this was maybe 24 bucks.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I said, what is it?
1
SPEAKER_00
and they told me it s something I signed up for three years ago.
1
SPEAKER_00
Something to do with going to movies or something, and I m like...
1
SPEAKER_00
And I ve been paying every month for three years, I ve never used it.
1
SPEAKER_00
And they re like, yeah, it s exactly what Rocket Money does.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, right?
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SPEAKER_00
Monitors your spending, helps you lower your bills so you can grow your savings.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I have full control of my subscriptions, you know, and you can see your expenses.
1
SPEAKER_00
They do all the work.
1
SPEAKER_00
They get in there and do the nitty gritty.
1
SPEAKER_01
This one, I have to say, is a brilliant idea.
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t even know how they do it, but with Rocket Money, eventually you re going to see all your subscriptions in one place.
1
SPEAKER_01
And you go, I don t want that.
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t want that.
1
SPEAKER_01
And they ll help you cancel it with a couple of taps.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Right.
1
SPEAKER_00
And they can help negotiate your bills down to 20%.
1
SPEAKER_00
All you have to do is you send a picture of your bill.
1
SPEAKER_00
They do the rest.
1
SPEAKER_00
They deal with customer service.
1
SPEAKER_00
They have 5 million users, more than that.
1
SPEAKER_00
They saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s crazy.
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SPEAKER_01
Saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app s features.
1
SPEAKER_01
And by the way, these things go on for years.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s just $19.95 a month for like a decade.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, and they just rake it in and you get screwed over, stop wasting money on things you don t use.
1
SPEAKER_00
Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash superfly.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s rocketmoney.com slash superfly rocketmoney.com slash superfly.
1
SPEAKER_00
All right.
1
SPEAKER_00
I have a new reality show idea, Dana.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
You can get in on it now, or you can wait to hear the idea.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, I wanna hear the title, because 99% is the title.
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t need to hear what the rally shows about.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay, it s called America s Next Protester.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m in.
1
SPEAKER_00
We go across the world with Simon Cowell and Heidi Klum, and we find the best protesters, and we can give them any subject.
1
SPEAKER_00
Or they can audition with anything they wanna say.
1
SPEAKER_00
There s too many glass tiles on this building, and they sit, and they don t do anything all day.
1
SPEAKER_00
They commit.
1
SPEAKER_00
Man on the street going to where people are protesting?
1
SPEAKER_00
No, just different people auditioning, and they wear what they re going to wear, and they give us a picture of what they re going to protest.
1
SPEAKER_00
Right.
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, what would you protest?
1
SPEAKER_00
That s the hard part.
1
SPEAKER_00
I don t have anything great.
1
SPEAKER_00
I mean, forget it.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m not going to bring this up again, but this is a problem.
1
SPEAKER_00
I just don t know if I want to dedicate 15 hours a day and go on a hunger strike.
1
SPEAKER_01
There s there s wars and famine and all kinds of stuff around the world.
1
SPEAKER_01
But you not be able to get into that tiny Tabasco plastic thing is big.
1
SPEAKER_00
Let s not play big in my world.
1
SPEAKER_00
And it s also it s a bit of a shoulder shrugger to most people.
1
SPEAKER_00
But I have problems.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I also have I heard you went down and took a steam shower with it and your towel fell off.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I stuck this up my butt like the guy at the gas station.
1
SPEAKER_00
You know what?
1
SPEAKER_01
I would I d be on your protester show and I would protest too many protesters.
1
SPEAKER_01
There s just we got too many.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, that s a good idea.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
All right.
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, so you re going to be an EP.
1
SPEAKER_00
All right.
1
SPEAKER_00
Next thing is.
1
SPEAKER_00
What is the name, if we can pull up the Meghan Markle and Prince Hank?
2
SPEAKER_05
Prince Harry Styles.
2
SPEAKER_05
Prince Harry have a new company and it s called something very, not ostentatious.
2
SPEAKER_05
Oh yeah, it is.
2
SPEAKER_05
American Riviera Orchard Jelly.
2
SPEAKER_05
It s just jelly?
2
SPEAKER_05
Wow.
2
SPEAKER_05
I m getting jelly just talking about this.
2
SPEAKER_04
That s a mouthful and I m not talking about the jelly.
2
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_04
American Riviera Orchard
2
SPEAKER_04
Jelly, huh?
2
SPEAKER_05
You know what I think is an easier one?
2
SPEAKER_05
That s my jam.
2
SPEAKER_05
That s not bad, right?
2
SPEAKER_05
That s all right.
2
SPEAKER_05
That s my jam.
2
SPEAKER_05
It s quicker.
2
SPEAKER_05
This has to sound so affluent and heavy and ostentatious.
2
SPEAKER_05
I would have named it, They Hate Me Because I m Mixed Race Jelly.
2
SPEAKER_05
Oh, that s true.
2
SPEAKER_05
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_05
They hate me because I m kind of a princess.
2
SPEAKER_04
Jelly.
2
SPEAKER_04
They wouldn t give me a therapist when I needed it.
2
SPEAKER_04
Jelly.
2
SPEAKER_05
You know, I was on suits.
2
SPEAKER_05
Then I was a princess.
2
SPEAKER_05
I could be on suits reboot right now, which is my idea.
2
SPEAKER_05
I think she should go on suits and make a killing.
2
SPEAKER_05
It s already a number one show, join it.
2
SPEAKER_04
She should go on and before that, or during that, she should go on, hey Howie, I m ready to do deal or no deal jelly.
2
SPEAKER_05
If she did a goddamn, I m on deal or no deal again, the one on the island jelly, I think that would be a good jelly.
2
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, I m on new deal or no deal again on the island jelly.
2
SPEAKER_04
It s not Howie Mandel jelly, but it is a good show.
2
SPEAKER_04
You got a trend.
2
SPEAKER_04
If it s outrageous, it s contagious.
2
SPEAKER_04
If it s boring, no one s going.
2
SPEAKER_04
What about mine?
2
SPEAKER_05
I m going to pitch to Prince Hank and I m going to walk in like it s Shark Tank and I m going to go, hey sharks, Megan and Harry.
2
SPEAKER_05
What if you re driving down the 405 and you re starving and you ve got a bagel, wouldn t you like to pull out some traffic jam?
2
SPEAKER_05
And then I just wait, I get 100% of the money, you get zero, do you want in?
2
SPEAKER_04
Okay, so I ll be Mark Cuban.
2
SPEAKER_04
So what do you, what do you, I ve never tried to do one.
2
SPEAKER_04
Do Prince Harry.
2
SPEAKER_04
Do Prince Harry.
2
SPEAKER_04
So you actually have real jam in your car?
2
SPEAKER_05
Yeah, he gets it.
2
SPEAKER_05
Megan, are you in?
2
SPEAKER_05
It s in the glove compartment.
2
SPEAKER_05
You take it out and you go, oh, I m glad I brought my traffic jam.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t like it.
2
SPEAKER_01
I love it.
2
SPEAKER_01
Makes me clap, man.
2
SPEAKER_05
That s more like it, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
Let s give him a million pounds.
2
SPEAKER_05
And he goes, Megan, we re not, we don t talk in PAL.
2
SPEAKER_05
And you don t either.
2
SPEAKER_05
You were never, you were only there three weeks.
2
SPEAKER_04
Hey, listen, Megan, this is not gonna, I like the whisper guy.
2
SPEAKER_04
This is not gonna work.
2
SPEAKER_05
That s Prince, that s Harry, because when he whispers, he s not even English.
2
SPEAKER_04
That s the nurse.
2
SPEAKER_04
If she saw that, my nurse character, she d go.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
He has jam in his car and there s a traffic jam.
2
SPEAKER_03
I got to tell the doctor.
2
SPEAKER_04
You have to tell the doctor.
2
SPEAKER_04
Just tell the doctor everything.
2
SPEAKER_04
That s right.
2
SPEAKER_04
The doctor s got to know.
2
SPEAKER_04
Can I introduce a new character?
2
SPEAKER_04
Not a nice guy with a catch with a catch in his throat.
2
SPEAKER_04
I hate it already.
2
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_04
So we went and saw it.
2
SPEAKER_04
We went and saw David Spade.
2
SPEAKER_04
Like, he s really kicking it, man.
2
SPEAKER_04
His act is really funny.
2
SPEAKER_04
And we re really laughing all the time.
2
SPEAKER_04
What s your name?
2
SPEAKER_04
That s a catch.
2
SPEAKER_04
Nice guy with a catch in my throat.
2
SPEAKER_04
A nice guy with a catch in my throat.
2
SPEAKER_04
It s a new character.
2
SPEAKER_04
It s not bad.
2
SPEAKER_04
It sounds a little like Shaggy.
2
SPEAKER_04
It sounds a little like Shaggy.
2
SPEAKER_05
No, Shaggy goes, oink, Scoob.
2
SPEAKER_04
Oh, Scoob, I can t believe it, Scoob.
2
SPEAKER_04
Scoob, I can t believe they neutered you.
2
SPEAKER_04
Little Scooby.
2
SPEAKER_04
All right, and now for the Beatle news.
2
SPEAKER_04
Wait, Scooby, I can t believe they neutered you.
2
SPEAKER_04
Go ahead.
2
SPEAKER_04
I can t believe they neutered you.
2
SPEAKER_04
Hi, I m Scooby-Doo.
2
SPEAKER_04
That was Casey Kasem s greatest character.
2
SPEAKER_05
And he sounded nothing like him.
2
SPEAKER_05
He sounded nothing like actual Casey Case.
2
SPEAKER_04
What was the dog that went... That didn t talk, basically.
2
SPEAKER_05
That was Scooby, right?
2
SPEAKER_04
And then he could talk as well?
2
SPEAKER_04
It s been a while for me.
2
SPEAKER_05
Yeah, he goes, Scooby... He goes, Scoobs, why are you dry humping Velma s leg?
2
SPEAKER_05
He s like, have you seen her?
2
SPEAKER_04
What are we gonna do about this, Scoobs?
2
SPEAKER_04
She s hot.
2
SPEAKER_04
Oh, I see.
2
SPEAKER_04
For our generation, our rated Scooby-Doo cartoon with the exact same animation.
2
SPEAKER_04
Oh, come on, Scoob.
2
SPEAKER_04
You gotta wear a condom.
2
SPEAKER_04
I wouldn t say that.
2
SPEAKER_04
Of course.
2
SPEAKER_04
We re ruining our childhoods by bringing this up.
2
SPEAKER_04
Velma.
2
SPEAKER_04
Scoob, have you noticed Velma s hot?
2
SPEAKER_04
I like Daphne.
2
SPEAKER_05
I met Casey Cason once.
2
SPEAKER_05
Oh, he also had... Okay, keep going.
2
SPEAKER_05
You do your Beatles News.
2
SPEAKER_02
Beatles News today.
2
SPEAKER_02
Hello.
2
SPEAKER_02
Here we are with the Beatles News.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s all over everywhere.
2
SPEAKER_02
Donald Trump is in trial, you know.
2
SPEAKER_02
So apparently the whole story is he shagged a bird about 16 years ago, you know.
2
SPEAKER_02
and it was all over the telly because she wanted to see if she could get a shakedown on him, you know.
2
SPEAKER_02
She said, hold on, I d like some money, you know, I d like some pounds a quid.
2
SPEAKER_02
So he hired, it s very complicated, he hired a guy named Cohen the fixer to give her some pounds to keep her quiet, you know.
2
SPEAKER_02
And then the election came, because Trump was on a bus with Billy Bush,
2
SPEAKER_02
And he said he could grab ladies  private parts, lovely ladies, whatever he felt like it.
2
SPEAKER_02
So that was like a no-no.
2
SPEAKER_02
People go, hold on, don t know if we want him for president.
2
SPEAKER_02
So then Stormy Daniels, who performs on the telly to get money, anyway, she said, I d like some more, please.
2
SPEAKER_02
So they paid her some money.
2
SPEAKER_02
They said, did Trump do it or did the fixer do it?
2
SPEAKER_02
So I don t really know, but he s keeping it from his wife for doing it to not get elected.
2
SPEAKER_05
That was way too long.
2
SPEAKER_05
No, it s good.
2
SPEAKER_05
Because I like how you watered down Stormy Daniels is just on the telly doing some entertainment.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_05
Porn.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
She gets on the telly and they have cameras.
2
SPEAKER_02
She takes off a blouse or whatever.
2
SPEAKER_02
And, you know, she s shagged by a gentleman coming in and then they cut away.
2
SPEAKER_02
And that s her job.
2
SPEAKER_05
Shagged by a gentleman calling.
2
SPEAKER_05
That is a nice way to put everything.
2
SPEAKER_05
I like that.
2
SPEAKER_05
That s all the Beatles.
2
SPEAKER_05
Or is that Paul?
2
SPEAKER_04
I just call it the Beatle news.
2
SPEAKER_04
Let s try something just off the cuff.
2
SPEAKER_04
You or Heather, give me a news story and I ll try to Beatle-size it.
2
SPEAKER_04
Anything, doesn t matter.
2
SPEAKER_05
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_05
The portal to Dublin in Times Square.
2
SPEAKER_04
What?
2
SPEAKER_04
The portal?
2
SPEAKER_04
I don t know what that is.
2
SPEAKER_04
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_04
Well, explain it.
2
SPEAKER_04
Is it like a little ride you go in?
2
SPEAKER_05
They put a huge eight foot circle that you can walk up to and you can see people in Dublin.
2
SPEAKER_05
It s kind of crazy.
2
SPEAKER_05
Oh, that s- It s live.
2
SPEAKER_05
I love that.
2
SPEAKER_00
You can now go from New York all the way to Dublin.
2
SPEAKER_00
This is the portal, a new public art installation that connects the two cities by letting you peek right into the streets of Dublin.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s happening live, so you can even interact with people on the other side.
2
SPEAKER_00
The portal is located on the Flatiron South Plaza directly next to the Flatiron building.
2
SPEAKER_00
It runs 24-7 and will be here for six months.
2
SPEAKER_00
In New York, be mindful of the five-hour time difference.
2
SPEAKER_00
I would avoid going late at night as it will be in the middle of the night in Ireland, but I guess it could also be interesting.
2
SPEAKER_00
Either way, be sure to stop by and say hi when you re in the area.
2
SPEAKER_04
Already closed, Dana.
2
SPEAKER_04
Already closed, because it is like a flasher s dream.
2
SPEAKER_04
You know, some guy, oh, look, I had a bunch of Guinnesses.
2
SPEAKER_04
That s exactly what happened.
2
SPEAKER_02
So they made a portal, you wave, they wave back.
2
SPEAKER_05
Goes right into it.
2
SPEAKER_02
And you go, are they really there?
2
SPEAKER_02
Are they really there?
2
SPEAKER_02
And you try to punch through, but they can t really.
2
SPEAKER_02
Is it a mirror?
2
SPEAKER_02
What is it?
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, it s like what they did was they put a monkey and a dog next to it and they started barking and they thought they got really disorientated because it wasn t real people they could smell.
2
SPEAKER_05
Oh, the monkey and the dog.
2
SPEAKER_05
Yeah, animals probably wouldn t like that.
2
SPEAKER_05
It s so confusing.
2
SPEAKER_04
Oh, the monkey and the dog.
2
SPEAKER_05
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_05
This girl s flash her boobs to it.
2
SPEAKER_05
because she and she told Dr. Phil she d rather die hot than live ugly.
2
SPEAKER_05
I don t know what that is.
2
SPEAKER_04
So this I didn t know this story was coming up about someone using it to flash.
2
SPEAKER_05
Yeah, that s why you said you said that s how they re going to ruin.
2
SPEAKER_05
I m like, that s what happened.
2
SPEAKER_05
Some girl did this, showed her boobs just to get to boost up her only fans.
2
SPEAKER_05
And then some other guy held his phone up right to the camera and it was
2
SPEAKER_05
either September 11th, it was trades.
2
SPEAKER_05
I don t even know what his point was, but it was offensive and of course.
2
SPEAKER_04
Well, here s what I would do.
2
SPEAKER_04
I d find a badass AI and I d show the AI the Dublin porthole.
3
SPEAKER_03
I say, hey, I I ll give you five days to make it so that people can walk through the portal.
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh, go from Dublin to New York and New York to Dublin.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
Farewell, United Airlines.
3
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, that s a great one.
3
SPEAKER_04
So long, Qantas Airways.
3
SPEAKER_04
So long, Southwest.
3
SPEAKER_04
We re stepping through a portal.
3
SPEAKER_04
No tightening in your seatbelt because there s light chop.
3
SPEAKER_04
All you do is step through the portal.
3
SPEAKER_04
Bye-bye, British Airlines.
3
SPEAKER_04
So long, the bar is closed.
3
SPEAKER_04
Bye-bye, barf bag.
3
SPEAKER_04
Bye-bye, David Spade bit.
3
SPEAKER_05
No, buh-bye, you can still say before you go in the portal.
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh, you can still do that.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, we ll put you on SNL.
3
SPEAKER_03
Thank God.
3
SPEAKER_03
Keep that bit alive, Dana.
3
SPEAKER_03
We ll put David Spade.
3
SPEAKER_03
David s coming in next week.
3
SPEAKER_03
He s going to do the bye-bye bit, but with a portal.
3
SPEAKER_03
I feel like it s time.
3
SPEAKER_05
This is the week.
3
SPEAKER_05
Okay, so what about the portal?
3
SPEAKER_05
Oh yeah, that s good.
3
SPEAKER_05
I like the portal and yeah, get AI off its ass.
3
SPEAKER_05
I mean, I don t care if they can make little memes.
3
SPEAKER_05
Fix that.
3
SPEAKER_05
Transport.
3
SPEAKER_03
No, if it s gonna scare the shit out of us, let it do something crazy great.
3
SPEAKER_03
Let s go big.
3
SPEAKER_03
Tired.
3
SPEAKER_03
It can process the entire information in the history of the world in a billionth of a second, so let s get busy.
3
SPEAKER_05
All right, when you re hiring for your small business, you want to find quality professionals that are right for the role.
3
SPEAKER_05
That s why you have to check out LinkedIn jobs.
3
SPEAKER_05
Everyone s heard of it.
3
SPEAKER_05
LinkedIn jobs has the tools to help you find the right professionals for your team faster, and that s for free.
3
SPEAKER_03
That s right.
3
SPEAKER_03
LinkedIn isn t just a job board.
3
SPEAKER_03
LinkedIn helps you hire professionals you can t find anywhere else.
3
SPEAKER_03
Even those who aren t actively searching for a new job, but might be open to the perfect role.
3
SPEAKER_03
In a given month, over 70%
3
SPEAKER_03
of LinkedIn users don t visit other leading job sites.
3
SPEAKER_03
So if you re not looking on LinkedIn, you re looking in the wrong place.
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh yeah.
3
SPEAKER_05
LinkedIn, 86% of small businesses get qualified candidate within 24 hours.
3
SPEAKER_05
Hire professionals like a professional on LinkedIn.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, that s right.
3
SPEAKER_03
LinkedIn knows that small businesses are wearing so many hats and might not have time
3
SPEAKER_03
LinkedIn knows that small businesses are wearing so many hats and might not have the time or resources to hire, David.
3
SPEAKER_05
Mm-hmm, 2.5 million small businesses use LinkedIn for hiring.
3
SPEAKER_05
Post your job for free at linkedin.com slash fly23.
3
SPEAKER_05
What is it?
3
SPEAKER_03
That s linkedin.com slash fly23 to post your job for free.
3
SPEAKER_03
Terms and conditions apply.
3
SPEAKER_05
Okay, this show is sponsored by BetterHelp,
3
SPEAKER_05
I gotta get it off my chest, Dana.
3
SPEAKER_05
Traffic, traffic.
3
SPEAKER_03
I can sense it.
3
SPEAKER_03
You re carrying stressors around big and small.
3
SPEAKER_03
You keep them bottled up and it can start to affect you negatively, sir.
3
SPEAKER_05
People cutting me off, drives me nuts.
3
SPEAKER_05
We ve talked about it.
3
SPEAKER_05
I follow them for a hundred miles until I get a wave.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yes, therapy is a safe space, David, to get things off your chest and to figure out how to work through whatever s weighing you down.
3
SPEAKER_05
Whether or not you ve been to therapy personally, it s got a lot of benefits.
3
SPEAKER_05
If you re thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try.
3
SPEAKER_05
It s entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, suited to your schedule.
3
SPEAKER_05
You fill out a brief questionnaire, you get matched with a licensed therapist, switch therapist anytime for no additional charge,
3
SPEAKER_03
I ve been in therapy and I found it very useful.
3
SPEAKER_03
You get a lot of good information.
3
SPEAKER_03
They question you on your thinking.
3
SPEAKER_03
Negative thinking can lead to depression.
3
SPEAKER_03
You know, we re all like a can of fruits or vegetables.
3
SPEAKER_03
or whatever, David, and we need someone else to read the label.
3
SPEAKER_03
And that s where BetterHelp comes in.
3
SPEAKER_03
They re gonna read the label.
3
SPEAKER_03
So get it off your chest with BetterHelp.
3
SPEAKER_03
Visit betterhelp.com slash superfly today to get 10% off on your first month.
3
SPEAKER_05
That s betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash superfly, the most important part.
3
SPEAKER_05
And this is not AI, but you wish it was.
3
SPEAKER_05
This is a video going around this week of a guy
3
SPEAKER_05
I don t think it s John Goodman, but this is a guy at a gas station, and he s just kind of doing his own thing.
3
SPEAKER_05
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_05
He s got... So the guy sees him.
3
SPEAKER_05
He s putting the...
3
SPEAKER_05
He s putting the gas pump up his butt.
3
SPEAKER_05
Yeah, it s all bad, Dana.
3
SPEAKER_05
But this has infected my feed, now you have to see it.
3
SPEAKER_05
So that guy... I can t unsee it!
3
SPEAKER_05
I know.
3
SPEAKER_05
Obviously, the most surprising thing is his butt takes diesel.
3
SPEAKER_05
I didn t know that.
3
SPEAKER_03
Can we just.
3
SPEAKER_03
Well, let s just in a hard PG-13 describe it to our drivers who are.
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh, yeah, OK.
3
SPEAKER_03
What did we just see, David?
3
SPEAKER_03
There s a gentleman.
3
SPEAKER_03
Really?
3
SPEAKER_03
I ll just say it up front.
3
SPEAKER_03
It seemed like a very nice guy.
3
SPEAKER_05
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_05
A gentleman in a trucker hat, a little portly with his pants on his ankles at a gas station.
3
SPEAKER_05
And he is a.
3
SPEAKER_05
rubbing his privates with his left hand, and with his right hand, surprisingly, he takes the diesel gas pump out and sticks it up his behind.
3
SPEAKER_05
And then someone yells from across the street, which we couldn t hear, but they yell, and he turns around and goes, oh, fun s over, and then he puts it back on the tank, doesn t even give it a...
3
SPEAKER_05
You know, once over with a paper towel.
3
SPEAKER_03
All I can say is if I had a dollar for every time I ve seen this scenario.
3
SPEAKER_03
This is filming up by your house.
3
SPEAKER_03
How many people have dropped their drawers, touched their privates, stuck the pump up their ass?
3
SPEAKER_03
It happens all over.
3
SPEAKER_03
No, I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_03
That guy.
3
SPEAKER_03
I just am really surprised that Bill Burr would do that.
3
SPEAKER_05
I just want to be supportive of this, because I m a perv, but that one doesn t do anything for me.
3
SPEAKER_05
The truth is, he did look a little like John Lovitz, right?
3
SPEAKER_05
Could have been.
3
SPEAKER_05
Oh, that was Lovitz.
3
SPEAKER_05
No way.
3
SPEAKER_05
Way?
3
SPEAKER_03
I ve got a new way.
3
SPEAKER_05
I just got a text from Lovitz.
3
SPEAKER_05
He heard what you just said, and he said, Balderdash!
3
SPEAKER_03
Boulder who?
3
SPEAKER_05
Let s see if we have any other videos.
3
SPEAKER_05
What else I want to say to you.
3
SPEAKER_03
I have a couple things.
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh, yeah, let s hear.
3
SPEAKER_03
We got lots.
3
SPEAKER_03
Someone wrote me a... I m gonna get my superglasses on.
3
SPEAKER_03
A red redneck joke from a nice person.
3
SPEAKER_03
Charbel Allen.
3
SPEAKER_03
He wrote me a red redneck joke.
3
SPEAKER_03
See what you think.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
I m Red Rednecky, the redneck comedian.
3
SPEAKER_03
The other day, my cousin Earl was showing off his brand new mobile phone.
3
SPEAKER_03
I said, that s nothing.
3
SPEAKER_03
My whole home is mobile.
3
SPEAKER_03
Come on, get some.
3
SPEAKER_03
OK, not bad.
3
SPEAKER_05
It was clean.
3
SPEAKER_05
We got Red Rednecky off the sidelines.
3
SPEAKER_05
He kind of laid low for a couple of weeks.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, Red Red Nikio exists at all times in my mind.
3
SPEAKER_03
He doesn t want too much press.
3
SPEAKER_03
He comes out when he s needed.
3
SPEAKER_03
Let me do a series of earthquakes, because I kind of missed my... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
I m going to do a series.
3
SPEAKER_03
I ll start out with a...
3
SPEAKER_03
It s just different people from around the world, you know, like we are the world, how they would react to earthquakes.
3
SPEAKER_03
I want you to give me one when I think I know.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
You think of one.
3
SPEAKER_05
OK, no, I think of your one you were about to do, but go ahead.
3
SPEAKER_03
You do yours first and then I ll tell you what.
3
SPEAKER_03
OK, and then you re going to know.
3
SPEAKER_03
All right, good.
3
SPEAKER_03
All right.
3
SPEAKER_03
This is a this is I ll just go back to my.
3
SPEAKER_03
Well, maybe I should do a new one.
3
SPEAKER_03
OK, here s an Indian man talking to someone and then an earthquake hits.
3
SPEAKER_03
in India.
3
SPEAKER_02
Oh it s something.
3
SPEAKER_05
Oh, he s okay.
3
SPEAKER_03
Wait.
3
SPEAKER_03
He s okay, though.
3
SPEAKER_03
I apologize to people.
3
SPEAKER_03
Nobody gets hurt in these, right?
3
SPEAKER_03
No one really gets hurt.
3
SPEAKER_03
They survive.
3
SPEAKER_03
They survive at the end.
3
SPEAKER_03
I ll do Japan.
3
SPEAKER_03
That ll just be mine.
3
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_01
Goddamn God he calms down quickly
4
SPEAKER_00
That was like a 9-9.
4
SPEAKER_04
I broke my laptop.
4
SPEAKER_04
I broke my laptop.
4
SPEAKER_04
Okay, here s an Anglo-British guy.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yes, well, I don t believe I m going to have dinner tomorrow night.
4
SPEAKER_01
I can t wait for it.
4
SPEAKER_01
I really can t.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, shit, it s an earthquake.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, mother.
4
SPEAKER_00
In England?
4
SPEAKER_01
Mother, I m British, but I m in Japan.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, you re in Japan.
4
SPEAKER_01
I want to hear you do one.
4
SPEAKER_00
I ll do the one I m stealing from you.
4
SPEAKER_04
Please, please.
4
SPEAKER_00
This is this is a press junket.
4
SPEAKER_00
And this is got to get the whole thing settled.
4
SPEAKER_04
I want to say I m going to see how you how you do this technically.
4
SPEAKER_00
Okay, Mr. Walken, can you tell us a little about your character?
4
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
4
SPEAKER_00
Whoa.
4
SPEAKER_00
Whoa, no.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yes, smart.
4
SPEAKER_00
Is it over?
4
SPEAKER_00
Continue.
4
SPEAKER_04
I thought he would be perfect as a quick one.
4
SPEAKER_04
That s funny.
4
SPEAKER_04
Like, I know you re doing them longer.
4
SPEAKER_04
And I go in LA.
4
SPEAKER_00
He only has one word.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
So I couldn t think of anything.
4
SPEAKER_00
Plus I can t do them.
4
SPEAKER_04
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
4
SPEAKER_04
There you go.
4
SPEAKER_04
It s over.
4
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
Mine needs fixing.
4
SPEAKER_04
Greg can trim it down.
4
SPEAKER_04
I like it.
4
SPEAKER_04
It s silly.
4
SPEAKER_00
I couldn t think fast enough.
4
SPEAKER_04
Well, yours was great because you did it kind of soft.
4
SPEAKER_04
No, I like.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yes, because because.
4
SPEAKER_04
Oh, there s a nice junket.
4
SPEAKER_04
That was good.
4
SPEAKER_04
It s start out slow and build.
4
SPEAKER_04
I started mine at a 10, and that s why they probably won t make the final cut.
4
SPEAKER_04
I want that Japanese one that long so we can t cut it.
4
SPEAKER_04
Well, that s I probably will at this point, just for you fans out there.
4
SPEAKER_04
Retire the Japanese earthquake guy.
4
SPEAKER_04
I just wanted to blow it out one time.
4
SPEAKER_04
Well, I don t know why you re talking crazy like that.
4
SPEAKER_04
That s so good.
4
SPEAKER_04
Well, why on account would I talk crazy like that?
4
SPEAKER_00
All right.
4
SPEAKER_00
Give me another one.
4
SPEAKER_00
Give me another thing.
4
SPEAKER_00
Subjects.
4
SPEAKER_00
What do you got?
4
SPEAKER_00
Anything?
4
SPEAKER_00
Or do we have just videos to play?
4
SPEAKER_00
You got stuff.
4
SPEAKER_00
What about Trump versus Biden?
4
SPEAKER_04
Oh, we should talk about that because that just came out an hour ago that Biden came on.
4
SPEAKER_04
Come on.
4
SPEAKER_00
An hour ago.
4
SPEAKER_00
That was last Wednesday, an hour ago.
4
SPEAKER_04
Oh, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_04
Hey, man, we re getting closer to our release release date.
4
SPEAKER_04
You know, it s too bright.
4
SPEAKER_04
But Biden came out.
4
SPEAKER_04
Well.
4
SPEAKER_03
Come on, I ll debate you anywhere anytime.
4
SPEAKER_03
Come on, make my day.
4
SPEAKER_00
That was his direct quote.
4
SPEAKER_00
I like how he s tougher now.
4
SPEAKER_00
You know, he s got some confidence.
4
SPEAKER_00
He s walking in a helicopter.
4
SPEAKER_00
They re like, hey, you hear what Trump said?
4
SPEAKER_00
He s like, fuck that guy.
4
SPEAKER_00
You know what I mean?
4
SPEAKER_00
He s like anytime, anywhere.
4
SPEAKER_04
I know he was pretty loud and aggressive.
4
SPEAKER_04
I guess they read the tea leaves.
4
SPEAKER_04
People think he s too old or whatever.
4
SPEAKER_04
So I think if he stayed in the union, Biden, he d be pretty strong.
4
SPEAKER_04
You know, I ll beat the hell out of you.
4
SPEAKER_03
Take him out of woodshed.
4
SPEAKER_02
Trump s like, I ll go with you anytime.
4
SPEAKER_02
Let s go many rounds.
4
SPEAKER_02
Let s go many rounds.
4
SPEAKER_02
I can t wait.
4
SPEAKER_02
I ll take you down so hard to be crying all the way for Obama.
4
SPEAKER_00
He doesn t.
4
SPEAKER_00
Trump doesn t sleep and Biden sleeps all the time.
4
SPEAKER_00
That s what I picture.
4
SPEAKER_00
Trump s like at three a.m.
4
SPEAKER_00
texting, thinking of Twitters.
4
SPEAKER_04
He literally is a three hour a night guy.
4
SPEAKER_04
But.
4
SPEAKER_04
I don t know, I mean, I think that Biden will probably I don t I bet they don t debate.
4
SPEAKER_00
I think it s a. Oh, really?
4
SPEAKER_00
Biden s got to get that gogo juice.
4
SPEAKER_04
whatever it s, you know, maybe it s just a good nap.
4
SPEAKER_04
Cause sometimes they forget he s 82.
4
SPEAKER_04
Hey, Mr. President, you have 45 events today.
4
SPEAKER_04
We re going to fly to seven States, you know, and Biden s so stubborn.
4
SPEAKER_04
He s like, I could know how to fly all over.
4
SPEAKER_04
Anybody give a speech all day long.
4
SPEAKER_04
And by the end of the day, you know what happens?
4
SPEAKER_04
Where s everybody go?
4
SPEAKER_02
What s going on?
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m going to Vegas this weekend.
4
SPEAKER_00
Even that one hour trip, I ll be like,
4
SPEAKER_00
You know, the time change, I m tired, even though they go, at the same time I go, I know, but I was born in Michigan and it s two hours later and I just haven t adjusted.
4
SPEAKER_04
And you have your magic juice right before you go on stage, right?
4
SPEAKER_04
Oh yeah, you get it.
4
SPEAKER_04
Your little whatever you do.
4
SPEAKER_00
You get it, I m going like this now.
4
SPEAKER_00
Folks, I m going, this is what you used to do.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m holding the mic in my hand, people in your cars.
4
SPEAKER_04
Took me two years to buy this.
4
SPEAKER_00
I took the mic off the stand.
4
SPEAKER_00
I wanna lean back in my cool shirt.
4
SPEAKER_00
Fuck, my hair looks cool today, because I had a did yesterday for this thing.
4
SPEAKER_00
We shot something yesterday up here in Kansas.
4
SPEAKER_04
Well, what s with the hat then, if it looks cool?
4
SPEAKER_00
The hat s stupid, but I have such a headache because of all the rigmarole I was doing yesterday, and I slept like dog shit.
4
SPEAKER_00
I feel like fuck pie.
4
SPEAKER_00
So I m just, I just had to rally myself to do this.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I can t believe I m still a 10 out of 10.
4
SPEAKER_04
I put you at a 12.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, you know what?
4
SPEAKER_00
We should help people.
4
SPEAKER_00
We re trying to get Dr. Steven Greer on the show next week or the week after.
4
SPEAKER_00
Whoa, talk about UFOs.
4
SPEAKER_04
I would love to talk about UFOs.
4
SPEAKER_04
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
4
SPEAKER_04
Where s Spade?
4
SPEAKER_04
It s like, where s Waldo?
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, this is funny.
4
SPEAKER_00
Let me explain this picture, because it always comes up on my Instagram.
4
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_00
Okay, this caught me off guard, but I did want to talk about this.
4
SPEAKER_00
The shy guy on the right,
4
SPEAKER_00
is not Guy Fieri, it s Mark McGrath, Sugar Ray.
4
SPEAKER_04
Yes, know him well.
4
SPEAKER_00
There s Spade looking crazy.
4
SPEAKER_00
There s Eminem and there s Kid Rock.
4
SPEAKER_00
Now this is the...
4
SPEAKER_00
Joe Dirt premiere.
4
SPEAKER_00
And what happened was there s a little bit of a kerfuffle and confusion because I invited all these people to the premiere.
4
SPEAKER_00
So my PR play said, anybody you want.
4
SPEAKER_00
So the cast have just shoot me and these people and all my friends and family and blah, blah.
4
SPEAKER_00
Those never went out.
4
SPEAKER_00
So for some reason, this screw up, horrible screw up.
4
SPEAKER_00
I get to the premiere and the only reason
4
SPEAKER_00
These people here is because we all drove together.
4
SPEAKER_00
And so in a limo, old school limo, not a Hummer, like a low one, like pick up Kid Rock, pick up Eminem, Eminem s nephew, Nate, I think was his name.
4
SPEAKER_00
And we all went and it was a fucking blast.
4
SPEAKER_00
But I go, where s everybody else?
4
SPEAKER_00
And Sean Penn came with his kid because I told him.
4
SPEAKER_00
Anyone I didn t see in person and tell didn t know about it.
4
SPEAKER_00
you know, 40 people that were like show-busy celeb types didn t come.
4
SPEAKER_00
So it s really just us, which looks bad, but it was definitely fun people.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then I look crazy.
4
SPEAKER_00
I wore like this flannel shirt.
4
SPEAKER_04
Is that, are you wearing sunglasses at night?
4
SPEAKER_00
I m wearing sunglasses in the day.
4
SPEAKER_00
I think that, no, we got there when it was sunny.
4
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
I think it looks cool.
4
SPEAKER_04
I just love that.
4
SPEAKER_04
Were there M&Ms in the limo?
4
SPEAKER_00
Did he bring any M&Ms?
4
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_04
Kid Rock normally, it s required you have small rocks in the car.
4
SPEAKER_04
M&Ms, M&Ms.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
4
SPEAKER_04
And you need dirt.
4
SPEAKER_00
I think they re on moon rocks, which is like Molly.
4
SPEAKER_00
Every time people do moon rocks, I m like, what are those again?
4
SPEAKER_00
They used to be a candy, Dana.
4
SPEAKER_00
That s how old I am.
4
SPEAKER_00
But now moon rocks.
4
SPEAKER_00
So we did the movie and then we were going to the after party here.
4
SPEAKER_00
But I wore these old glasses that I thought were like Kurt Cobain-y.
4
SPEAKER_00
I just thought they were cool.
4
SPEAKER_00
I think they re women s, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
But anyway, I see this show up and it really just sums up the old days.
4
SPEAKER_00
But it was super fun.
4
SPEAKER_04
What does that make you feel?
4
SPEAKER_04
I ll be your therapist for a second.
4
SPEAKER_04
Regret, shame, joy?
4
SPEAKER_00
Scared child.
4
SPEAKER_00
No, I didn t know Joe Dirt, if it would work or whatever, we just saw it.
4
SPEAKER_00
And it works, of course, in a premiere because it s like a paid audience, basically.
4
SPEAKER_04
Wasn t Joe Dirt, I m just going to call it, isn t it sort of a classic?
4
SPEAKER_04
Because people refer to it, to me all the time.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
I mean, I think it didn t make a hundred million dollars in the theater, but it s, but it made it on video.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
That s back when you could do a movie and then it comes out in video and can make a hundred million dollars just because every time someone goes to Walmart, the people that wanted to make the sequel.
4
SPEAKER_00
The first offer we had was from Walmart, not a studio.
4
SPEAKER_00
They said, we will sell this in two seconds.
4
SPEAKER_00
Give us a sequel, we ll put it up right by everyone.
4
SPEAKER_00
They said, the DVD sells the same every month, it doesn t go down.
4
SPEAKER_00
So everyone just grabs it, they go, we need another one, they ll grab two.
4
SPEAKER_00
And so we almost made a movie with Walmart, which is crazy, especially back then, a collab.
4
SPEAKER_00
And now we re working on a Jodert cartoon.
4
SPEAKER_04
I think- Haven t you already done a JoJo?
4
SPEAKER_04
I can t believe you haven t done one by now.
4
SPEAKER_00
A cartoon?
4
SPEAKER_00
I know, it feels like a good idea.
5
SPEAKER_03
started to do it and then everything fell apart.
5
SPEAKER_06
I think it was COVID-related.
5
SPEAKER_06
Could I play kind of a red, redneck-y character that on your adventures you run into?
5
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, that s a good idea.
5
SPEAKER_03
I would like that.
5
SPEAKER_06
I m a redneck-y, redneck comedian.
5
SPEAKER_03
You can t go wrong with a Dana Carnegie voice.
5
SPEAKER_03
Carnegie?
5
SPEAKER_06
I m a catchphrase machine, come and get some.
5
SPEAKER_03
You could take any ratty little catchphrase that you left in the fucking gutter that you couldn t get on and bring it on.
5
SPEAKER_06
Repeat it, repeat it, mix it.
5
SPEAKER_06
I m repeated guy.
5
SPEAKER_06
All I exist to do is say a catchphrase.
5
SPEAKER_06
Come and get some, come and get some, come and get some.
5
SPEAKER_03
How about SNL when Pete would put a sketch in and it was a repeating character, and if it didn t work on page one, it was 18 pages of blibbity blobbity, I m blibbity blobby, I m flibbity flobby, I m a grumpy old man and I don t like things now compared to the way they used to be.
5
SPEAKER_03
That was actually funny, but when you hear a guy go, and I got caught in a mousetrap, and then he says it 50 times, everyone s like, we didn t buy it the first time, and now we hate it.
5
SPEAKER_03
I know.
5
SPEAKER_03
At the end, Lauren s like, hmm.
5
SPEAKER_06
All hat, no cattle.
5
SPEAKER_06
What is it?
5
SPEAKER_06
All hat, no cattle.
5
SPEAKER_06
That s a Montana phrase of a showboater guy trying to be bigger than he is.
5
SPEAKER_03
Oh, like a guy wears a cowboy hat, but he doesn t have a ranch?
5
SPEAKER_06
Well, there s no there there.
5
SPEAKER_06
It s just a showboater.
5
SPEAKER_03
I do like those terms, showbiz terms.
5
SPEAKER_03
When you do joke on a joke, people call it a hat on a hat.
5
SPEAKER_03
You pitch a joke and you go, it s kind of a hat on a hat.
5
SPEAKER_03
Like we already have a funny joke.
5
SPEAKER_03
We don t need another one.
5
SPEAKER_03
Oh, the graduation names.
5
SPEAKER_03
Let s play this.
5
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
5
SPEAKER_03
And then you, this is a real graduation and they mess up the names.
5
SPEAKER_00
Victoria Leigh Zubath-Ross, Jaseku Lynn Bower, Allisuna Cole Bishop, Allison Care Camp Bull, Tom Moldmay,
5
SPEAKER_03
For people in their cars, they are getting it really wrong.
5
SPEAKER_03
That s Thomas Michael Canavari Jr.
5
SPEAKER_06
Was that real?
5
SPEAKER_03
That s real from New York.
5
SPEAKER_03
Wow.
5
SPEAKER_03
But they said somebody was in the prompter and they gave them wrong pronunciations.
5
SPEAKER_03
So someone s just not looking at the name, they re just reading pronunciations.
5
SPEAKER_03
They should have looked at the name too.
5
SPEAKER_06
Da-Vod Spod-Dai.
5
SPEAKER_03
I ve had worse.
5
SPEAKER_03
That d be, I mean, when they bring you up, Dan Garney, that s not really your name.
5
SPEAKER_06
I got a lot of Dana Garney, Dana Garney in the early days of standup.
5
SPEAKER_03
And Dana, are you a girl?
5
SPEAKER_06
Are you a girl?
5
SPEAKER_06
Dana, Dana, Dana, Carvey, Dana Garneau.
5
SPEAKER_06
And yours is always David Spade, Spada, Spada.
5
SPEAKER_03
They d really, really mess up and call me Flip Wilson.
5
SPEAKER_06
Who called you Spudly first?
5
SPEAKER_03
Dennis.
5
SPEAKER_06
Dennis Spudley, okay.
5
SPEAKER_03
Spudley and Spadoodle.
5
SPEAKER_03
Oh, Kevin Neal, I think, calls me Spadoodle.
5
SPEAKER_03
And Spudly, Spudnick.
5
SPEAKER_06
What s up, kids?
5
SPEAKER_06
Having fun on that little video clip thing you re putting on?
5
SPEAKER_06
Sounds good.
5
SPEAKER_06
Still called that named after an insect of some time.
5
SPEAKER_06
What s the sequel on Arthropod?
5
SPEAKER_06
Come on now.
5
SPEAKER_06
Do the Caterpillar podcast.
5
SPEAKER_03
OK, Spud.
5
SPEAKER_03
Spud, the Just Shoot Me got canceled.
5
SPEAKER_03
They mowed down your money tree.
5
SPEAKER_03
Somebody cut down a money tree in a backyard.
5
SPEAKER_06
Can we have Dennis on Superfly?
5
SPEAKER_06
We got to have Dennis again just to be just for five minutes and have him just talk about stuff, you know.
5
SPEAKER_06
But I did just see on my phone that Biden wants can t they can t believe it s not butter company to sponsor the.
5
SPEAKER_06
That s nice.
5
SPEAKER_06
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_06
This is this debate between me and Donald Trump is brought to you by can t believe it s not butter.
5
SPEAKER_06
There you go.
5
SPEAKER_03
They should have a collab, I Can t Believe It s Not Biden.
5
SPEAKER_06
Or I Can t Believe That s Biden.
5
SPEAKER_03
I Can t Believe That s Biden.
5
SPEAKER_03
Every time he comes out looking different, they re like, is this the guy?
5
SPEAKER_06
I want the degradation of manners and politeness in American society to devolve even further.
5
SPEAKER_06
I want them literally grappling.
5
SPEAKER_06
I want
5
SPEAKER_06
I m going to hit you now, Joe.
5
SPEAKER_06
I m going to hit you hard.
5
SPEAKER_06
You re going to be crying all the way down.
5
SPEAKER_06
I got strong hands.
5
SPEAKER_06
I used to work on a Mustang in 1942.
5
SPEAKER_06
I ll strangle you.
5
SPEAKER_06
I think it should just be a Dana White should produce the.
5
SPEAKER_03
I know.
5
SPEAKER_06
Put them in the ring.
5
SPEAKER_06
Put them in.
5
SPEAKER_06
I got to take down.
5
SPEAKER_06
I got moves like you wouldn t believe.
5
SPEAKER_06
I can strike on top and I can take you to the floor.
5
SPEAKER_03
What about sumo diapers?
5
SPEAKER_03
They wear those things.
5
SPEAKER_03
They just wrestle each other.
5
SPEAKER_06
And Biden already has a diaper on, so he wouldn t even have to.
5
SPEAKER_03
What a burn.
5
SPEAKER_03
Who s going to do better?
5
SPEAKER_06
I apologize for that joke.
5
SPEAKER_03
Is Trump Biden going to out score Mike Tyson, Jake Paul?
5
SPEAKER_03
What s who s going to watch more?
5
SPEAKER_06
Why that?
5
SPEAKER_06
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_06
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_03
We have to get Tyson on here.
5
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_06
You know, the thing about Tyson, I mean, yes, he always was.
5
SPEAKER_06
He d act tough before the fight, then he d beat the hell out of the guy, and then he was so sweet afterwards.
5
SPEAKER_06
I like that about Tyson, because before the fight, he s like, yeah, I m going to kill your whole family.
5
SPEAKER_06
I hit you so hard, your whole family s going to be hurt.
5
SPEAKER_06
I ll kill your whole family with my fists.
5
SPEAKER_06
And then he beats the hell out of the guy and goes, yeah, I really like you.
5
SPEAKER_06
I thought you had a great fight.
5
SPEAKER_06
I d like to knit a sweater for you, maybe a vest sweater.
5
SPEAKER_06
I ll make a sweater for you.
5
SPEAKER_06
That s after the fight.
5
SPEAKER_06
Come on, Spade.
5
SPEAKER_04
I m laughing at it.
5
SPEAKER_04
I m going to add to it.
5
SPEAKER_06
Oh, you know, I know it.
5
SPEAKER_06
You know, I do that, too.
5
SPEAKER_04
Come on, let me come over to the park.
5
SPEAKER_04
I mean, push on the swing.
5
SPEAKER_06
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_06
Before the fight, my fist is going to kill you.
5
SPEAKER_06
I m going to break your brain to break everything after the fight.
5
SPEAKER_06
It s like, do you want to go to the park and do the seesaw?
5
SPEAKER_06
I think we let s do the seesaw.
5
SPEAKER_06
Let s do the seesaw.
5
SPEAKER_03
I know Reese Witherspoon come with my book club.
5
SPEAKER_06
You always want to be a good loser, you know?
5
SPEAKER_03
Good loser guy.
5
SPEAKER_05
Well, thanks.
5
SPEAKER_03
All right.
5
SPEAKER_03
What else you got?
5
SPEAKER_03
You got to be in your bonnet.
5
SPEAKER_03
Is that it?
5
SPEAKER_03
What else we got loaded up?
5
SPEAKER_03
Let s play something.
5
SPEAKER_03
If we have anything left.
5
SPEAKER_03
People like God dang.
5
SPEAKER_06
Well, this is some of this stuff s evergreen.
5
SPEAKER_03
What is this guy?
5
SPEAKER_03
Let me see.
5
SPEAKER_03
Oh, I thought these two guys were funny.
5
SPEAKER_03
These guys, these guys committed the ultimate crime and they confessed 30 years later.
5
SPEAKER_01
OK.
5
SPEAKER_01
All right.
5
SPEAKER_01
How are y all doing?
5
SPEAKER_01
Well, I can t say our names, but this is me, me and Robert.
5
SPEAKER_01
And if you had your locker stacked in the 80, maybe 79 to 81.
5
SPEAKER_02
At the Sulphur High School, you re looking at the culprit.
5
SPEAKER_01
We did it.
5
SPEAKER_01
It was us.
5
SPEAKER_01
And y all never knew.
5
SPEAKER_01
Y all, if you see this video and you re from Sulphur, we stacked your lockers.
5
SPEAKER_02
And it was funny to watch y all kick all your shopping bags down the hallway.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, but we did that and we never got caught.
5
SPEAKER_01
Remember when the principal threatened us, we re going to catch you.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
He did catch us.
5
SPEAKER_02
The statute of limitations run out so you can t do nothing now.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, that s funny, wasn t it though?
5
SPEAKER_06
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_06
Bye y all.
5
SPEAKER_06
They didn t change at all.
5
SPEAKER_06
They re the exact same guys who were at 17.
5
SPEAKER_06
What does it mean stacked?
5
SPEAKER_03
Oh, that means when you poop diarrhea through the vents of their locker.
5
SPEAKER_03
Is that right?
5
SPEAKER_03
Like, oh, this story just got unfunny.
5
SPEAKER_03
No, that s not.
5
SPEAKER_03
I think I don t know what it means.
5
SPEAKER_03
What does it mean, Heather?
5
SPEAKER_03
Oh, they shove, like, papers in the vents.
5
SPEAKER_03
It s so dumb.
5
SPEAKER_03
I don t know.
5
SPEAKER_04
I guess they pack it full of... And there ain t a thing you can do about it.
5
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, well, you got us.
5
SPEAKER_06
We got it.
5
SPEAKER_06
Nut Statue of Limitations is all gone, so we can do this all night long.
5
SPEAKER_04
I also put a straw in your hamburger.
5
SPEAKER_06
I know.
5
SPEAKER_06
You have a 24-hour fitness locker.
5
SPEAKER_06
And I snuck in there last Wednesday, come two week Tuesday, and I stacked that up with ball bails.
5
SPEAKER_06
Ain t a thing you can do about it.
5
SPEAKER_06
That s a catchphrase.
5
SPEAKER_04
That s so funny.
5
SPEAKER_04
I took the otter pops out of the freezer and let them melt.
5
SPEAKER_06
Remember when I got you in a headlock and gave you a noogie for like 45 minutes in the parking lot in Winston, Mississippi?
5
SPEAKER_06
You can t do a thing about it.
5
SPEAKER_06
Statue of limitations.
5
SPEAKER_04
Remember we blew up the principal s car and six people died from the shrapnel?
5
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, that was us.
5
SPEAKER_03
Oh, that one s actually bad.
5
SPEAKER_04
Remember when I had a toy gun and I held the whole school hostage for four hours and the SWAT team and the narcs were even afraid of me?
6
SPEAKER_02
You remember that?
6
SPEAKER_02
Statue of limitation, nothing you can do about it.
6
SPEAKER_01
Go fuck yourself, we re still buddies too.
6
SPEAKER_01
I just love it.
6
SPEAKER_01
We re up to all kind of craziness.
6
SPEAKER_02
They re so happy, that many of you.
6
SPEAKER_02
Remember when I dropped a pencil in third grade and licked up your skirt?
6
SPEAKER_02
Ain t a thing you can do about it.
6
SPEAKER_02
Statue of limitation, go on, don t worry.
6
SPEAKER_01
Hey man, I non-snapped your bra s ear.
6
SPEAKER_01
Hey, take that Me Too movement, you got a statumentation.
6
SPEAKER_02
This is where we need Chris Farley to just blow it out bigger than God.
6
SPEAKER_02
Remember the time when we were at the drive-in movie and I got the second base?
6
SPEAKER_02
Ain t a thing you can do about it.
6
SPEAKER_00
That was a lot of energy.
6
SPEAKER_00
No, I like those guys because they were really like crafty.
6
SPEAKER_00
They were like, we got up to some shenanigans.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, we got this.
6
SPEAKER_02
It s almost Bill Cosby.
6
SPEAKER_02
We did the better shenanigans at the school.
6
SPEAKER_02
I just love that.
6
SPEAKER_02
They re so happy saying it.
6
SPEAKER_02
We got you.
6
SPEAKER_02
I mean, like, well, they got off their chests.
6
SPEAKER_02
They re cheerful people.
6
SPEAKER_02
If you can celebrate the shit show that s called high school with that much aplomb.
6
SPEAKER_02
I that was living.
6
SPEAKER_00
They they re living with guilt for how long?
6
SPEAKER_00
And now they re finally free.
6
SPEAKER_02
You know what someone would say to me?
6
SPEAKER_02
Hey, Dana Garneau, Marilyn, I jacked you up against the locker.
6
SPEAKER_02
And then my friend, we held you upside down and shook you to get your lunch money.
6
SPEAKER_02
Remember that?
6
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_02
Ain t a darn thing you can do about it.
6
SPEAKER_00
The guy goes, that was me, and you go, I know it was you, dick.
6
SPEAKER_02
And he s like, you figured it out?
6
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, you re right in front of me.
6
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, I knew you.
6
SPEAKER_02
Well, I have to say, I knew you were going to shave me down, so I have Monopoly money in my pockets.
6
SPEAKER_02
All right, that s it.
6
SPEAKER_02
I got a million things.
6
SPEAKER_00
That s it.
6
SPEAKER_02
It s been two and a half hours.
6
SPEAKER_00
Well, and I don t want to, I don t want it to end.
6
SPEAKER_00
I had no place else to go, but I still got to fly back.
6
SPEAKER_00
Look at his hair, though.
6
SPEAKER_00
I can t get over it.
6
SPEAKER_02
I like it.
6
SPEAKER_02
You want it to look like it s not.
6
SPEAKER_02
It just happens on its own organic time.
6
SPEAKER_00
Not a little fucking blanched out.
6
SPEAKER_00
I look like one of the golden gals.
6
SPEAKER_02
Well, now that now you can do this from the road, any hotel in America, you can do Superfly.
6
SPEAKER_02
Oh, yeah.
6
SPEAKER_02
Superfly still flies.
6
SPEAKER_00
Oh.
6
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I realize I do make sounds.
6
SPEAKER_00
But Dana, this is where we re similar.
6
SPEAKER_00
You make sounds that sound like people and I make sounds that sound like inanimate objects.
6
SPEAKER_00
So it is similar.
6
SPEAKER_00
Right.
6
SPEAKER_00
Ever makes whatever is funny.
6
SPEAKER_00
Doesn t matter.
6
SPEAKER_00
Give me an accent.
6
SPEAKER_02
What was that?
6
SPEAKER_02
That guy, but he had something, he had a tongue, he had a lisp or something.
6
SPEAKER_02
He had a speech impediment.
6
SPEAKER_02
I m British up across.
6
SPEAKER_02
I m one of the most powerful people in Great Britain, but I do have this speech impediment.
6
SPEAKER_02
There s not a damn thing I can do about it.
6
SPEAKER_02
Is that Prince Charles?
6
SPEAKER_02
No, it s just... Holy shit, another... Oh, and there s an earthquake?
6
SPEAKER_02
Oh, they happen once in a while, no harm, don t worry, it s nothing... Nothing to worry about, it s fine.
6
SPEAKER_02
Motherfucker, goddammit, could someone stop this incessant trembling?
6
SPEAKER_02
I hate all of... Trembling.
6
SPEAKER_00
Who would have thought that shaking the laptop would be... I love it.
6
SPEAKER_00
I can t almost get enough of it.
6
SPEAKER_00
I like that it came back at the end.
6
SPEAKER_00
All right, we ll see you next week and I ll be in Vegas this weekend at the Venetian and then I go to Atlanta, Savannah, and Charleston.
6
SPEAKER_00
All right, thanks everybody and Dana, I will see you soon, buddy.
6
SPEAKER_00
This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly.
6
SPEAKER_00
It s executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade.
6
SPEAKER_00
Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman.
6
SPEAKER_00
Hope you liked it.