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My friend, I am such a big believer that your mindset is everything.
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It can really dictate if your life has meaning, has value, and you feel fulfilled, or if you feel exhausted, drained, and like you re never going to be enough.
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Our brand new book, The Greatness Mindset, just hit the New York Times Bestseller back-to-back weeks.
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And I m so excited to hear from so many of you who ve bought the book, who ve read it, and have finished it already, and are getting incredible results from the lessons in the book.
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If you haven t got a copy yet,
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You ll learn how to build a plan for greatness through powerful exercises and toolkits designed to propel your life forward.
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This is the book I wish I had when I was 20 struggling, trying to figure out life.
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10 years ago at 30, trying to figure out transitions in my life and the book
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I m glad I have today for myself.
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Make sure to get a copy at lewishouse.com slash 2023 mindset to get your copy today.
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Again, lewishouse.com slash 2023 mindset to get a copy today.
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Also, the book is on audible now so you can get it on audiobook as well.
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And don t forget to follow the show so you never miss an episode.
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I m on a mission to make every human being realize that if you wake up in the morning and you re breathing, and you re standing in front of that mirror, and you have survived the stuff you have survived, and you are still waking up and trying to do better, you not only deserve a high five, you need it.
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Because.
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Welcome to the School of Greatness.
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My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur.
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And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness.
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Thanks for spending some time with me today.
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Now let the class begin.
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Welcome to today s special episode.
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Over the last 1300 plus episodes, there have been so many impactful interviews that I ve been lucky enough to have.
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And I always like to reflect on some of the most powerful.
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And this episode was one that resonated with most of you guys in the past.
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And I m excited for the value it s going to bring you today as well.
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So I hope you enjoy today s episode.
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I m starting off with a high five because you have the high five habit, which is a simple technique to take control back of your life.
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And you were just talking about how you never truly learned how to love yourself in your own skin.
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And you started this daily ritual, this habit of high fiving yourself in the mirror.
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I mean, you ve lived a pretty full life right now, but do you feel like really, you ve never truly learned how to love yourself, but now you feel like you know how to?
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Yes, I do.
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Why did you not know how to love yourself in the first place?
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Oh, that s a big question.
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I think that most of us are not taught how to love ourselves just for being.
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Alive.
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For existing.
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For existing, thank you.
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It s always like we have to accomplish something.
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Correct.
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Then we can get love.
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Yes.
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It s the same thing with happiness.
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Like you re chasing it and you think that if you achieve something you re going to get it.
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And you also, or at least I, felt the most loved when I was little when I was achieving something.
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And, you know, I think that most parents kind of fall into this camp.
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And it s really interesting to write a book about this and sort of trace back how we go from being little teeny babies that would crawl up to a mirror and put our hands up and kiss ourselves and love the sight of ourselves to being a self-loathing adult that stands in front of a mirror and either ignores or criticizes your very existence.
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And I believe that a lot of this has to do with the fact that so much of what you learn as a kid is if you do what I tell you to do, then I ll like you, then I ll love you.
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And so much of your existence becomes complying, fitting in, not making people angry.
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You learn how to sort of go in and out of spaces, belong to groups, make sure people like you, and you stop
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focusing on how you were born, which is looking in a mirror and liking yourself.
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So my formula for being somebody that was worthy of love is, well, if I m accomplishing all this stuff, then I m lovable.
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If this person over here that I love loves me back, then I m lovable.
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If somebody likes me, then I m lovable.
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Notice where all the sources of love were coming from?
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Outside.
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but I never really understood.
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How do you learn how to put yourself first?
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How do you learn how to love yourself, Lewis?
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How do you do that?
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We know we need to, but the question is how?
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So how d you learn how to unlearn it and then, I guess, relearn how to love yourself?
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Okay, so this is kind of my brand of advice.
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It s gotta be incredibly stupid on the surface.
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It s gotta be so simple, it s really implausible that it works.
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And once you start unpacking it, it has to have a crazy bananas amount of scientific proof and real life proof in people s lives.
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to prove why it works.
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So I ll tell you the story first behind the high five habit, because I did not set out and go like, okay, I ve written the five second rule book, I need to come up with another five.
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I have been toiling away with what book to write for nearly five years.
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So it s been five years since I ve had a book in print.
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And I had this random morning where there s a lot going on in my life.
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I m not going to get into it because it s a boring story.
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But I was just having a really hard time in my life.
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And I woke up, got out of bed.
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I made my bed like I always do.
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I walked into the bathroom.
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I m standing there brushing my teeth.
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And I catch my reflection in the mirror.
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And my first thought is, God, you look like me.
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Seriously.
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And I know women in particular can relate to this, but what a lot of people don t realize is you guys are incredibly hard on yourselves too.
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And so as I go, God, you look like.
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I start then cataloging all of the things that are wrong with my appearance.
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I m like,
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your gray hair is coming in, you ve got stripes on your neck, one of your boobs is lower than the other, you look exhausted, and then as soon as you have a negative thought or a self-criticism, it s sort of like lint in a dryer.
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Once you start collecting it, it just keeps on collecting.
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So now I m thinking not about how horrible I look or how tired I look, now I start thinking about all the stuff I need to do.
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I start going, oh my gosh, I got up a little too late and I ve got a Zoom call in eight minutes, I don t even have a bra on yet, the dog needs to be walked, and I could feel my energy.
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going down.
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Like I just felt the weight of the world on my shoulders.
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Overwhelmed, uncertain.
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You know, it doesn t even matter what was going on in my life at that time because I think it s a universal feeling to feel overwhelmed by your life at times.
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And so here I am, a motivational speaker,
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Unmotivated.
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Unmotivated, uncaffeinated, no brawn, standing there in my underwear with my dog at my feet.
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I don t know what came over me.
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But as cheesy as it sounds, I just raised my hand and gave the tired, haggard woman in the mirror a high five.
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And it didn t change my life like right then and there.
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But something shifted.
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Like I felt a little lighter.
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I felt like I wasn t alone.
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I felt like, okay, this moment in your life is hard, but you can do this, Mel.
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And I went on with my day.
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So the second day, I woke up, and this is when things started to really kind of churn in my mind.
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The first thing that I noticed was this.
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So I wake up, Lewis, and I make my bed.
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And I realized I was looking forward to that moment in the mirror where I was gonna see myself.
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Now look, I m 52 years old.
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I will probably have a hot flash during the middle of this interview.
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I m a lot older than you.
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Just don t eat lobster.
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Oh yeah, I had a really allergic reaction the last time we were together, wow.
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But I have spent the first 45 years of my life either criticizing the woman in the mirror or ignoring her.
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And this was the first time that I could remember that I was actually looking forward to seeing myself.
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Sort of like, you know, when I was coming here today, you and I are very good friends.
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As I was walking into the building, I m feeling excited to see you.
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And it wasn t like I was feeling excited to see myself, like I m not like, yeah, because I got a lot of crap going on in my life, but I felt a little bit like I m about to see a friend.
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And so that second morning, I high-fived myself again.
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And again, I feel something shift.
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I feel just a little lightness in the mood and I go on with my day.
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So the third morning, I do it again.
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And again, like lightness, and so I keep doing it, keep doing it, a couple weeks go by.
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And now I m starting to feel a little bit of momentum.
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And I m really enjoying it.
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I have no idea what the is going on.
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I haven t even done this in front of my husband, Chris, yet, because let s be honest.
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Standing in front of a mirror.
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High-fiving yourself.
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Yeah, like, come on, how pathetic does it get?
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You re like, is it really, is your life that bad?
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So I snap a photo of myself.
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I ve got my retainer in, I got bedhead, like I m not looking glamorous.
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I did not expect this to be the photo that would ignite a movement.
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And within an hour, I posted on my story on Instagram, within an hour, at least 100 people tagged me.
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All over the world, people high-fiving the mirror with their kids, people on a submarine high-fiving it in the military, people MMA, like just, and I thought, okay, wait a minute.
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Maybe I m not the only one.
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that needs a little boost in the morning.
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Maybe I m not the only one who feels alone.
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Maybe I m not the only one that is missing a sense of encouragement and control and confidence in an overwhelming moment in my life.
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Maybe there s something here.
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And then the messages started to come in.
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Whoa, Mel, like I have been using this for five days.
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This woman wrote to us, Lewis.
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She s had body dysmorphia for 20 years, has not been able to look at herself in the mirror.
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Five days of doing this high five.
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And she said, I can look at myself and I even see beyond the body.
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I see the person and I can grin.
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We had a woman who wrote to us who said that she was in a domestic violence shelter.
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She had escaped a very abusive relationship.
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She had seen me talking at our friend Jamie Kern Lima s event.
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She started doing the high five thing.
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She DMs us and she says that, you know, I have childhood trauma.
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I ve just been in a physically abusive relationship.
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I ve lost everything.
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I m in a domestic violence shelter.
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What this high five in the mirror is teaching me is that I still have myself.
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And so that was when I said, I gotta figure out what s going on.
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And I started to unpack the research and the research around this simple ritual.
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I love that you called it a ritual because I want people to habit stack this with brushing their teeth.
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This is so life changing.
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It s so simple.
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The science here is like, you can t believe it.
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And once I unpack it, you re gonna be like, I can t believe how cool this thing is.
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So what s the science say?
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Okay, so the science, let s start with the first thing.
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So the first thing is that when you first try it, okay, you will not be able to raise your hand and high five yourself and be like, you suck Mel, or today s gonna be terrible.
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And there s a reason for that.
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And the reason is that for your entire life, you have given other people high fives.
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So when you give a high five or you receive one, what is a high five?
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Just the gesture alone.
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What does this communicate if we do this to each other?
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Nice job.
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Good work.
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You re doing amazing.
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Keep it up.
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Yeah.
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I believe in you.
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I love you.
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Let s go.
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If you blow a shot, you got to get back in the game.
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A high five is like shake it off.
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You can win.
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And so all of that lifetime
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of high-fiving other people, and the messaging associated with it is programmed right here in your subconscious brain.
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There s a field of study called neurobics, which is about... Neurobics.
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I didn t make that up.
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It s interesting.
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Physical movement plus new neurological activity.
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When you marry an unexpected physical movement with new neurological activity,
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It s the fastest way to forge new neural pathways in your brain.
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We know the example, you ve covered this on your show, of brushing with the wrong hand and thinking positive thoughts.
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And the reason why that works is because when you re brushing with the wrong hand, it s unexpected, your brain doesn t expect it, so instead of drifting off about the fact that you need to walk the dog, you have to focus, so your prefrontal cortex is engaged.
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You re not used to high-fiving your own reflection, so it s an unexpected physical movement that then activates all of the positive programming in your subconscious.
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So when you raise your hand and you high-five your tired self, Lewis,
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What happens is all of the messaging with this, the high five, I believe in you, I love you, I celebrate you, you got this, keep going, come on.
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It actually fuses with your freaking reflection.
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It s impossible to criticize yourself.
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Your brain won t allow it because it s not wired that way when you re making that motion.
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Isn t that crazy?
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It s hard to say, you suck.
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You don t matter in anything.
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No, you can t.
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You can t.
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And so this lifetime of positive subconscious programming associated with high-fiving other people gets fused with your own reflection in this ritual.
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That s just the beginning.
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That s just the beginning.
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The second thing that starts to happen that s really interesting.
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So we ve had a ton of people do this, obviously, around the world.
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Super easy idea.
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It s spreading around the world.
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We start interviewing people about what s going on.
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And this is what we notice.
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We notice that one of two things happen when you first try this.
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So here s how I want everybody to try it.
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You re going to go into the bathroom and do it before or after you brush your teeth.
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And that s important.
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because I want you to make this a ritual that s part of your morning routine.
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And so we need to stack it with something you already do.
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And you re gonna stand there for a minute and I want you to look at yourself.
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Now that right alone, most of us don t do.
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Look at yourself.
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And I want you to just think about the day ahead.
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This is based on more research.
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So recent studies show from the University of Florida that if you take just a minute and you set an intention about how the day is gonna go, about who you re gonna be, how you re gonna show up, what s the one thing that kind of matters to you to really make progress on.
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If you just kind of set that intention, who am I gonna be today?
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How am I gonna show up today?
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Even if it s a hard day, how are you gonna show up?
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and then you raise your hand and you seal it.
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Research shows just setting the intention alone
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changes your mood, it boosts your productivity, it increases your ability to make an impact on other people.
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And so when you seal it with this high five, it becomes this ritual of setting an intention for the day and also silencing the critic and reprogramming the default setting about how you see yourself, whether or not you believe in yourself.
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And you leave that bathroom feeling like the wind is at your back.
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Now, when people do this for the first time, so you re gonna stand there tomorrow, and you re gonna go, okay, Mel Robbins and Louis, geez, I m just sitting here.
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Brush my teeth, okay, this is stupid.
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You re gonna just start rejecting it, I guarantee you.
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The coolest stuff, you re gonna have the biggest resistance to.
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And so, for those of you that just raise your hand and do it, you re gonna immediately be like, why have I not been doing this?
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It feels good to be encouraged and supported.
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To high-five yourself.
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Yes.
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Why have I not had my own back?
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Why do I stand here and criticize myself?
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Why do I allow this moment every single morning to be a moment where life takes over and I drift into autopilot?
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Why am I not taking this moment for me to build a partnership with myself?
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The second group of people, and this is the larger group, resist it.
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And this is really interesting.
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And the reason why you resist it, and the reason why it feels weird, is because you believe you re not worthy of support or celebration.
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From yourself or from others?
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Period.
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Wow.
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Why do we think we re not worthy of celebration?
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Well, for people that grew up in a chaotic, violent, or whatever household, it was your lived experience.
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I think that for many of us, we look back on our lives and the cognitive negative bias has us focus on the things that went wrong.
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And so you begin to tell yourself a story about your life that is basically a pyramid of all the things that you regret, of all the things that you wish you had done over, of all the things that you don t like about yourself.
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And so you drag that with you into the bathroom every morning.
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And you stare at the mirror and you see somebody that has screwed up.
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You see somebody who s not where you re meant to be.
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You see somebody who doesn t have the number on the scale or the car that you wanted or the job that you had hoped for or the relationship that you had always dreamed about.
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And so standing there, you believe you re not worthy of support or celebration.
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And it s this deep belief.
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We talk a lot in the personal development space of, oh, I m not good enough.
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I actually think that s the polite thing that people say.
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I believe that people have a much more horrible way of talking to themselves.
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Like what?
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I can t say it on TV, but I can say it on the internet.
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I m a piece of shit.
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I m worthless.
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No one will
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No one will ever love me.
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I screwed up my life, I m a failure.
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I ll never amount to anything.
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It s too late.
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I m a bad person.
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I think people actually say this to themselves.
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Yeah, and they say it over and over again.
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Yes, yes, yes.
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And just like ruts on a dirt road, it starts to wear in your brain and it becomes the familiar path and so you stand in front of the mirror
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You know, I m telling you, raise your hand and let all that positive programming you ve given to everybody else.
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We are amazing at celebrating everybody else.
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We cheer for our favorite sports teams.
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We buy tickets to, you know, our favorite musicians.
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We throw birthday parties for people.
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We take on extra work for our colleagues.
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We help our family members out and our friends out.
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But when it comes to supporting ourselves, we don t know how to do it.
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In fact, there s a lot of people that think it s selfish
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to put yourself first, or that you re arrogant if you re due.
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I m here to tell you it is essential to your well-being, to your fulfillment, to your happiness, all of it.
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So if you re feeling resistance, you re either going to feel it because you already have a deep story.
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that you don t deserve it because of your track record, your past, because of what s happening in your life.
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Or you re going to feel resistance because you have been trained to believe that you only deserve that kind of stuff when you re winning.
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Like if I don t have that car, I don t get the high five.
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If I didn t get that promotion, I didn t deserve it.
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If I am not in a loving relationship, I don t deserve to be celebrated.
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because I m not actually achieving or doing the things that warrant that.
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I m here to tell you, I m on a mission to make every human being realize that if you wake up in the morning and you re breathing, and you re standing in front of that mirror, and you have survived the stuff you have survived, and you are still waking up and trying to do better, you not only deserve a high five,
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You need it because what we also know based on the research is that empowerment, support, kindness, love, celebration, it is the single most motivating force on the planet.
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Tough love is a bunch of baloney.
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What really fuels people, particularly when you re going through a challenge, is feeling celebrated, seen, and supported, and the research bears it out.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I can think of the times when I was on sports teams where I had great, loving, encouraging coaches.
2
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It made me want to work harder from a more energized place, an abundant energy.
2
SPEAKER_00
But when I had the coaches that would just degrade you and put you down and call your names in front of your teammates and make you feel bad, it would drive me to try to be better, but it was always harder.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I never felt satisfied.
2
SPEAKER_00
I never felt fulfilled.
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SPEAKER_00
I always felt like even when I accomplished something, it still wasn t good enough.
2
SPEAKER_00
and then I repeat that pattern like okay I m gonna accomplish but it s not enough to feel loved and so let me keep accomplishing in order to feel loved but I still don t love myself because it s not good enough yeah let me go for the next thing yeah exactly it s funny because I have a photo on my phone that my
2
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My therapist told me to do this exercise like eight months ago, which was a strategy for me to reclaim the love for myself.
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So I have a photo of my childhood self.
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I don t know if people can see this on YouTube.
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But a photo of me, this is probably when I was like five or six, maybe I was seven.
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SPEAKER_00
But something that I ve tried to,
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to do and really been integrating my life is to reconnect with the child where I felt like I stopped loving myself.
2
SPEAKER_01
Okay, so let s talk about this right now.
2
SPEAKER_00
You ready?
2
SPEAKER_01
So let me talk about this image.
2
SPEAKER_01
So let s talk about the Lewis this age standing in front of a mirror.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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And what I do is I stand in front of myself as a child.
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I imagine myself, but to do it, imagine looking at the mirror as yourself.
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SPEAKER_01
Yes.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_01
Well, what I m trying to say is when you were this age and you stood in front of the mirror,
2
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You had a totally different relationship with yourself because you still loved yourself.
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You still thought that you were a great kid and you wanted all the things that the adult Louis wants.
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You want to feel loved.
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You want to feel seen.
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You want to feel heard.
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You want to feel like you matter.
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And you, in seeing yourself when you were this age, felt those things for yourself.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, absolutely.
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SPEAKER_00
And somewhere along the way, you lost it.
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SPEAKER_00
Correct.
2
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And so what I m trying to say is that when you stand in front of this mirror, exactly what Lewis is talking about, when you ve got coaches that scream at you and degrade you, and sure, it makes you run faster, but it leaves its mark.
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It does.
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It leaves its mark.
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And so there s research.
2
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So let me talk about why this is so motivating, particularly because so many of your audience love sports, right?
2
SPEAKER_01
So they did a study where they looked at NBA teams.
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And what they wanted to take a look at was
2
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Does fist bumps, backpack, some high fives make a difference in a team winning?
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Touch, right?
2
SPEAKER_00
Didn t they do like a 2020 special or something?
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I don t know, but if they did, I need to watch it.
2
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But so like the power of touch, but I think it s deeper.
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It s the power of encouragement.
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And so what they found is that in the study, at least in the years that they looked at, you could take a look at the teams that made it to the championships and the NBA.
2
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go all the way back to the preseason, and those were the teams that had the most number of fist bumps and back pats and high fives.
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SPEAKER_01
Yep.
2
SPEAKER_01
And the same was true about the teams that were the lowest in the league at the end of the season.
2
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They had the least amount of fist bumps, high fives and touch.
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SPEAKER_01
Why?
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They re the least encouraging.
2
SPEAKER_01
Correct.
2
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Those sorts of gestures build trust and partnership.
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I m telling you, when you stand in front of a mirror and ignore yourself, you re like the losing NBA team.
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Selfish, on your own, isolated.
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You re not in partnership with the person you re staring at in the mirror.
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You don t have your own back because you re ignoring yourself.
2
SPEAKER_01
There s another study, and this one is, I think, even more powerful.
2
SPEAKER_01
So they did this study where they wanted to know what s the most motivating thing to help somebody get through a really big challenge.
2
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They divide, the researchers divide kids into three groups, right?
2
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And they gave each of the groups of kids very challenging problems to work through.
2
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And they wanted to measure, okay, how resilient, how long would they work?
2
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What were their attitudes like?
2
SPEAKER_01
And then they measured it based on, well, what form of praise
2
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or support are we gonna give each one of these groups and let s see what s the most empowering.
2
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First group gets what we know to be the fixed mindset stuff.
2
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The praise was all verbal praise and it was simply about a trade.
2
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Louis, you are so smart.
2
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Louis, you are a super student praising something that is just sort of a compliment about you.
2
SPEAKER_01
The second group of students working on a challenging problem
2
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got praise based on work ethics, so something in their control.
2
SPEAKER_01
Oh, Lewis, you re working so hard.
2
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Lewis, you got such good perseverance.
2
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Lewis, you know, you re really, like, just grinding away over there.
2
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Good job.
2
SPEAKER_01
Those guys did better than, Lewis, you re smart.
2
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Lewis, hardworking.
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Better.
2
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The third group.
2
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The researcher simply walked up, did not say a word, and high-fived the kid.
2
SPEAKER_00
Really?
2
SPEAKER_01
That s it.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s it.
2
SPEAKER_01
That group literally, exponentially... Huh.
2
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more motivated, worked longer, worked through more challenging problems.
2
SPEAKER_01
Now, here s the big question.
2
SPEAKER_01
Why?
2
SPEAKER_01
Why would a simple high five with no verbal praise be more empowering and motivating and inspiring and develop more resilience and confidence and motivation inside somebody?
2
SPEAKER_01
And the reason why is this.
2
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A high five affirms your deepest fundamental needs.
2
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It s not just a gesture.
2
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When you high-five somebody, particularly somebody who has either blown the free throw shot or is working on something difficult or going through a really hard time, when you high-five them, you re saying, I see you.
2
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When you high-five them during a challenge, you actually are acknowledging, I know this is hard.
2
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So the person feels heard.
2
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And because it s one-to-one, and you have to be really intentional.
2
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Like if you and I go to high five, we have to focus on it.
2
SPEAKER_00
That was a good one.
2
SPEAKER_01
If you miss it, what do you do?
2
SPEAKER_01
Correct.
2
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So there s an intentionality behind it, and that makes you feel like you re being affirmed as a unique individual.
2
SPEAKER_01
And so all of those things are in that one gesture.
2
SPEAKER_01
Now, it goes even more.
2
SPEAKER_01
So there s even more here.
2
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So I was talking to our buddy, Dr. Daniel Amen, right?
2
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And so one of the world s leading experts on brains, he s got like 60,000 brain scans.
2
SPEAKER_00
And he s so- I think it s like 120,000.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, is it at this point?
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it s some crazy, yeah.
2
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So he was so excited about the high five habit, he completely geeked out.
2
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He s like, oh my gosh, yes, yes, yes.
2
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He s like, yes, neurobics, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
2
SPEAKER_01
So we then, he said, let me tell you what else is going on, Mel.
2
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And I m like, really?
2
SPEAKER_01
There s more?
2
SPEAKER_01
He said, yeah.
2
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He said, you know how when you do it, you said you felt like a little kind of boost in your mood.
2
SPEAKER_01
He said, well, there are two things going on there.
2
SPEAKER_01
He said, first of all, when you cross a finish line,
3
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and a race, what do you do?
3
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Put your hands up.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
What do you do when your favorite team scores?
3
SPEAKER_00
You high-five someone.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, you high-five somebody.
3
SPEAKER_00
What do you do at a musical concert?
3
SPEAKER_00
Yay!
3
SPEAKER_00
What do you do when you re raising your hand in celebration when you high-five somebody or fist bump them or put your arm around them?
3
SPEAKER_00
That raised arm gesture in a positive sense triggers your nervous system.
3
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to tingle with celebration.
3
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It s the energy of celebration, even if you re going through something difficult.
3
SPEAKER_00
And even more, you get a dopamine drip when you do this.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so part of the reason why you feel this kind of shift in your mood, and you feel a little bit of like, oh, okay, I can face this, I can do this, I got this, is because of the dopamine, it s because of the nervous system, and it s because of all of this positive programming associated with that gesture.
3
SPEAKER_00
Isn t that crazy?
3
SPEAKER_01
That s powerful.
3
SPEAKER_01
That s powerful.
3
SPEAKER_01
I mean, so what does someone do, though, if they just constantly have the negative self-talk on their mind that they re no good?
3
SPEAKER_01
Do they go in front of the mirror, you know, every 10 minutes and do this?
3
SPEAKER_01
Or is there another strategy behind the negative self-talk?
3
SPEAKER_00
Well, okay, so first things first.
3
SPEAKER_00
Definitely make this high five in the mirror a habit, okay?
3
SPEAKER_00
So start practicing it.
3
SPEAKER_00
Give it five to 10 days and start to see what happens.
3
SPEAKER_00
The second thing that you can do with negative self-talk, okay, is you need to start to interrupt it.
3
SPEAKER_00
So the thing about negative self-talk is that it is typically something you ve engaged in since you were yay high.
3
SPEAKER_00
And in addition to it being wired into your brain, it is also something that can get triggered by your nervous system in stressful situations.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so the first step, and we can talk more about the filter in your brain and how the filter in your brain is causing you to stay stuck in a lot of this negative self-talk and how to use your mind to help you.
3
SPEAKER_00
But the first step is you gotta do the awful part of getting self-aware of what the voice is saying.
3
SPEAKER_00
And the way that you do that, there s a couple techniques that you can use to create what researchers or psychologists call
3
SPEAKER_00
objectivity.
3
SPEAKER_00
You want to separate yourself from the voice.
3
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So you can do what Lewis is doing, he s writing down right now in a journal.
3
SPEAKER_00
You can keep just a little notebook with you and you can kind of catalog when your attitude tanks and what are you actually saying to yourself, okay?
3
SPEAKER_01
So should we write down all the things we re saying?
3
SPEAKER_00
You could.
3
SPEAKER_00
Negative about ourselves.
3
SPEAKER_00
You can, you can.
3
SPEAKER_00
I personally do it this way.
3
SPEAKER_00
I start to notice when I feel down or I start to notice when my energy drops.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then I tune into what I m thinking about, and if it s negative, I go, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
3
SPEAKER_00
I literally notice, oh, you re sitting there thinking you re a bad person again.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, you re sitting there thinking that somebody s mad at you again.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, you re sitting there thinking that you screw everything up again.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, you re sitting there thinking that nothing ever works out for you.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, you re sitting there thinking that
3
SPEAKER_00
You ve blown it. 
3
SPEAKER_00
Interesting.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then I go, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and I go, I m not thinking about that.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s the most basic technique to use because what I want you to do, since this is like operating on autopilot, it s encoded right here, when you re not really thinking, this is what s running, kind of like the soundtrack of your life, when you just start to notice that you have a thought that s not helping you,
3
SPEAKER_00
You can t control that it popped up, but guess what you can do?
3
SPEAKER_00
You can smack it down.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so I use the five second rule, which we ve talked about a lot on your show.
3
SPEAKER_00
Count backwards, five, four, three, two, one.
3
SPEAKER_00
The counting backwards awakens your prefrontal cortex.
3
SPEAKER_00
It gives you a moment of control.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then the way to build distance, Louis, is say, I m not thinking about that.
3
SPEAKER_00
And here s why.
3
SPEAKER_00
You re so used to thinking this way, I can t just say, stop thinking you re fat and start thinking that you love your body.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s not gonna happen.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s not gonna happen.
3
SPEAKER_00
So you ve gotta go, oh, there I am.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m trashing the way that I look.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m telling myself that I m overweight, I look like, I m hideous, nobody s gonna love me.
3
SPEAKER_00
Be like, five, four, three, two, one.
3
SPEAKER_00
I am not thinking about that.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s an act of defiance.
3
SPEAKER_00
See, I want you to go from these negative thought patterns to a more positive, empowering high-five attitude.
3
SPEAKER_00
Because if you continue to live in, I m fat, I m unworthy, no one s gonna love me, I ve screwed up my life, that will be your life.
3
SPEAKER_00
And the trick on this is, I m not saying change your thoughts and unicorns appear.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m saying change your thoughts so you stop the 24-7 beat down.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
And learn how to lift yourself up.
3
SPEAKER_00
so that you can face the things that are going on in your life.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so that you can take the actions that you need to take to change your life.
3
SPEAKER_00
Because the reason why you re not changing is not because you re not capable.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s not because of the trauma or your past or anything else.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s because of the beat down.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s why you re not changing.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s draining.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s draining.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s demoralizing.
3
SPEAKER_00
It is, and by the way, if you constantly are like, I m unlovable, I m worthy, I m this, I m that, why on earth would you feel motivated or do you think you deserve to change if that s the thing in your mind?
3
SPEAKER_00
It doesn t work.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so pay attention.
3
SPEAKER_00
When you feel your energy go negative, be like, oh, okay, what am I, oh, whoa, that s disgusting.
3
SPEAKER_00
Five, four, I m not thinking about that.
3
SPEAKER_00
You don t have to insert anything else.
3
SPEAKER_00
Let s just practice shutting it up.
3
SPEAKER_00
Right.
3
SPEAKER_00
The second thing you can do is once you kind of get good at interrupting it, I want you to name like let s turn it into a character.
3
SPEAKER_00
So I did this with our son Oakley when he was struggling pretty profoundly with anxiety when he was in the fifth grade.
3
SPEAKER_00
He named his anxiety Oliver.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then we asked him to describe.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oliver, and Oliver was like this pimply faced kid that, what is that, the Diary of the Wimpy Kid kind of bully looking kid?
3
SPEAKER_00
And whenever the negative worries and stuff would come up, you could literally hear him go, Oliver, shut up.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it is the ability, what s happening when you name it and picture the person,
3
SPEAKER_00
is that you re able to detach yourself from that voice in your mind that s talking.
3
SPEAKER_00
Because that voice is typically a caregiver that either talked to you that way or talked to themselves that way, or some bully, or some trauma experience, or some nasty coach that beat this into your head.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s from somebody else.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so we want you to separate yourself so you can be like, oh, that s what Oliver sounds like.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s not actually how I wanna talk to myself.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so identifying it, interrupting it, and then you can get into the really incredible magic of rewiring your brain to work for you.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I think Ethan Cross, who s a psychologist out of the University of Michigan, has a book called Chatter, which is about all the different psychological strategies for eliminating the negative self-talk and improving the quality of your mind.
3
SPEAKER_01
And he says, start coaching yourself just like you would have a great coach coaching you.
3
SPEAKER_01
Have someone like a character in your mind coaching you, celebrating you with your self-talk to help you kind of shift out of that by interrupting.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, what would Lewis say to me?
3
SPEAKER_00
What would Mel say to me?
3
SPEAKER_00
And here s the tricky part of this.
3
SPEAKER_00
So the tricky part of this is that I personally think most mantras are also complete garbage.
3
SPEAKER_00
And the reason why I say that is because you don t freaking believe them.
3
SPEAKER_00
So if you think you re worthless, you re never going to be able to stand in front of a mirror and change your life by going, I m worthy.
3
SPEAKER_00
Because your brain s like, no you re not.
3
SPEAKER_00
We ve been talking about this for your life.
3
SPEAKER_00
You re not worthy.
3
SPEAKER_00
So you have to interrupt it.
3
SPEAKER_00
And if you re going to try to replace it, what you need to do are two things.
3
SPEAKER_00
Number one, you have got to come up with, I should have called it pathetic mantra, because it would have been easier to remember.
3
SPEAKER_00
In the book, I called it a meaningful mantra.
3
SPEAKER_00
we should just call it a pathetic mantra.
3
SPEAKER_00
You need to come up with something that s like, okay.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, like if you re really like bad and you think you re a horrible person, like don t make your mantra, I m amazing.
3
SPEAKER_00
Make your mantra like, I m doing the best I can.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s it.
3
SPEAKER_01
Like.
3
SPEAKER_01
Something simple.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, you can believe that, right?
3
SPEAKER_00
You can believe that.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m trying, you know, I m not meaning to screw up, I m doing the best I can.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like that, I believe.
3
SPEAKER_00
And that s better than, boy,
3
SPEAKER_01
I m the best in the world right now.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, no, you re never gonna believe that, ever, ever, ever.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like for example, if you struggle with health and weight and stuff, it s probably gonna be hard for you to stand in front of a mirror and be like, I love my body, because you ve been rejecting it.
3
SPEAKER_00
So instead, look at yourself in the mirror and use a meaningful mantra.
3
SPEAKER_00
I deserve to feel healthy.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I m gonna treat myself.
3
SPEAKER_00
in a way that proves it.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s it.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s different.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s different because it s believable.
3
SPEAKER_00
The only other thing that will change the way that you think is behavioral activation therapy.
3
SPEAKER_00
So there s a lot of
4
SPEAKER_01
of the tools in this book that are grounded as a baseline in the body of research around behavioral activation therapy, which I know you talk about all the time on the show, which is basically, act like the person you wanna become.
4
SPEAKER_01
If you want to be more like Lewis, act like Lewis.
4
SPEAKER_01
Follow his morning routine.
4
SPEAKER_01
Take his advice.
4
SPEAKER_01
Interrupt the garbage, Oliver, in your head.
4
SPEAKER_01
Five, four, three, I m not talking to you, Oliver.
4
SPEAKER_01
What would Lewis say to me?
4
SPEAKER_01
How would Lewis talk to Lewis?
4
SPEAKER_01
and start to act like the person you want to become and something interesting happens.
4
SPEAKER_01
And this is why the high-five works, by the way, because it is an action.
4
SPEAKER_01
You are acting like somebody who believes in and loves themself.
4
SPEAKER_01
That s why it works.
4
SPEAKER_00
Move into motion, don t just think only, but move into action.
4
SPEAKER_01
So when you see yourself, you know, we always talk about positive morning routines.
4
SPEAKER_01
Let s talk about negative ones, okay?
4
SPEAKER_01
Because your negative patterns are the reason why you have horrible self-talk.
4
SPEAKER_01
Like when I was in law school, I hated my life.
4
SPEAKER_01
My anxiety was out of control.
4
SPEAKER_01
I was out of control.
4
SPEAKER_01
I hated law school.
4
SPEAKER_01
And so my behavior actually reflected my state of mind.
4
SPEAKER_01
I would wake up hungover.
4
SPEAKER_01
I would immediately think, oh my God, I m late.
4
SPEAKER_01
I would then reach for a cigarette and light it.
4
SPEAKER_01
Then I would run around the apartment getting dressed and trying to find everything because nothing was organized.
4
SPEAKER_01
I would then quickly drive to Dunkin  Donuts, even though I had no time, to stop for coffee.
4
SPEAKER_01
I d get a big old coffee with four sugars and two creams.
4
SPEAKER_01
Smoking another cigarette on the way, speeding my whole way there.
4
SPEAKER_01
Then I would sit in class, be panic-stricken about being called on.
4
SPEAKER_01
Same thing again.
4
SPEAKER_01
Then I would sit at lunch, pick at a salad, gossip with friends, avoid the homework.
4
SPEAKER_01
Then I would go to the library, procrastinate forever.
4
SPEAKER_01
Then I would drive home, split a bottle of wine with my roommate, fall asleep, wake up, repeat.
4
SPEAKER_01
When you see somebody s actions, you can typically predict just how bad.
4
SPEAKER_01
They re trapped in their mind.
4
SPEAKER_00
Absolutely.
4
SPEAKER_01
But I think we all are.
4
SPEAKER_01
I mean, I think even people that have healthy habits don t have a healthy relationship with themselves.
4
SPEAKER_01
That your self-talk is ground zero.
4
SPEAKER_01
Because how you talk to yourself, what you think about yourself when you look in the mirror, that sort of default setting in your mind, jeez louise, I mean,
4
SPEAKER_01
It makes me really sad, honestly.
4
SPEAKER_01
I gave my first speech in two years because of the pandemic yesterday in Salt Lake.
4
SPEAKER_01
And there was a book line.
4
SPEAKER_01
And even though everybody had masks and they were six feet away, you could see the pain in people s eyes, the isolation, the sadness, the overwhelm, the feeling of uncertainty.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I think that people are feeling way more uncertain and afraid than they re actually saying right now.
4
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That the sustained amount of change that we ve been having to manage, it s too much.
4
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It s a lot.
4
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And if you stand in front of the mirror and you can t see somebody that s worth supporting through this, you re just gonna continue to go down.
4
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because the one person that you spend your whole life with is you.
4
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And this is the relationship you need to be working on.
4
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You wanna be loved?
4
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You better learn how to love yourself.
4
SPEAKER_01
You wanna feel worthy?
4
SPEAKER_01
Stop looking for it out there and treat yourself like you re worthy.
4
SPEAKER_01
How do you do that?
4
SPEAKER_01
Well, by pushing through the resistance and raising your, if you can t frickin  high five your reflection, you can t do that.
4
SPEAKER_01
are you going to make things happen in your life?
4
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If you don t think you are worthy of support and celebration, particularly when life is hard.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, how are you gonna believe that other people are gonna do that for you as well?
4
SPEAKER_00
If you can t do it for yourself, why would other people do that?
4
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Well, actually, this is why people s relationships don t work out.
4
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Because you re looking outside yourself for the things you actually need.
4
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For validation.
4
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Correct.
4
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You are chasing people and seeking validation in romantic relationships
4
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And that will end when you can stand in front of that mirror and validate yourself.
4
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When you build yourself up, when you support yourself, you show up totally differently for everybody else.
4
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When you know that you can have your own back, you re not going to be looking for the validation from your boss or your friends or all these other things.
4
SPEAKER_01
People have problems with boundaries because they can t look themselves in the eye.
4
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So how the hell are they going to look somebody else in the eye and say, actually, this doesn t work for me?
4
SPEAKER_00
What about when things start to shift and we start to see oh here s a great potential relationship I could get into or I ve got a great job opportunity or something is coming my way.
4
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How do we learn to not self-sabotage the good things that come to us?
4
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So give me an example.
4
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Like how have you self-sabotaged things in your life?
4
SPEAKER_00
I can t think of a good answer.
4
SPEAKER_00
I don t think I really do that that much, but I know that other people do, and it s a big issue.
4
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Maybe, I m trying to think.
4
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Okay, so I ll tell you.
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But if people get into a good relationship and the like.
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This is a really big answer though.
4
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You ready?
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
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Okay, so now let s detour into the lane.
4
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We talked about this on the last time I was on, but let s detour into the lane of anxiety,
4
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of patterns and trauma and talk about why people self-sabotage.
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People don t self-sabotage intentionally.
4
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Nobody wakes up in the morning and says, today, I m gonna screw up my life.
4
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That s what I m gonna do.
4
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I m gonna drink myself on the ground.
4
SPEAKER_01
I m gonna cheat on my wife.
4
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I m gonna embezzle for my company.
4
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I m gonna lie to everybody about how I m actually feeling.
4
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I m gonna stop taking my meds.
4
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I m gonna kick the dog.
4
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Nobody does that.
4
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What happens is people get triggered.
4
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And they react.
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And then they fall into old patterns.
4
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And so what happens, I believe, in relationships, in particular, or jobs, where you re like, this time it s gonna be different, is it s different for the first three to six months when it s novel, and when you re intentional, and when everything counts.
4
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But then when you gotta face yourself.
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Then when it becomes part of your life, you get lazy, and you slip into old patterns.
4
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Or when the stakes get really high,
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Let s say you re somebody who had a parent die early or your dad abandoned the family and you re scared to love somebody.
4
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And so you fall deeply for somebody.
4
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And then what gets triggered is this tremendous fear that they re gonna leave.
4
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Because that s your lived experience.
4
SPEAKER_01
And if you go back to what you did as a child to cope with that fear that somebody s going to leave, that s the exact pattern that you will repeat as an adult.
4
SPEAKER_01
The only way to end this or to try to get your arms around it is to attack it holistically.
4
SPEAKER_01
because so much of this happens at the subconscious level and it also, it gets triggered first by your nervous system, you re not even aware of it.
4
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And so there s a tool that I talk about in this book called high-fiving your heart.
4
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Your heart.
4
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Your heart, yep.
4
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So what you do, and I started doing this because I was having this incredible response from past trauma happen when the pandemic hit.
4
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So when the pandemic hit, I started waking up feeling like something was terribly wrong.
4
SPEAKER_01
And it would start my ankles and it would flood up my legs and go all the way up my body.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I would feel this wave come up.
4
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My immediate thought is something s wrong.
4
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And my heart would start to race and I d feel this full-on like anxiety response.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I know what that is now.
4
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So I now know
4
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that the anxiety response of waking up, which so many people do, this is really actually very, very common.
4
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People wake up anxious.
4
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Yes, feeling like they re in trouble, or something s wrong, or something s about to go wrong.
4
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Yeah, that s not good.
4
SPEAKER_01
Well, if you grew up in a chaotic household.
4
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That s normal.
4
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Yep.
4
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If you had a caregiver that gave you the silent treatment, or had mental illness, or had a drinking problem, or there was abuse in your house, yep, you did wake up.
4
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Anxious.
4
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Yeah, because your anxiety, by the way, was trying to protect you.
4
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It was putting you in a state of being alert so that you were ready in case something happened.
4
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But for a ton of us, Lewis, we have lived our whole lives with a dysregulated nervous system.
4
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That s what I ve come to learn during the pandemic, that I have literally lived since probably the fourth grade with my nervous system never truly resetting back to a calm resting state.
4
SPEAKER_01
And so I started to wake up every morning in the pandemic, like so many people did.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I ve always kind of had this sort of wake up and feeling like something s wrong, like, uh-oh, Chris is mad.
4
SPEAKER_01
My first thing is like, Chris is already up, he s meditating, he s angry that I ve slept 15 minutes longer than him.
5
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It s so stupid, you know, this is how we torture ourselves.
5
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But during the pandemic, it was like a full-on anxiety response.
5
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And so I started doing this thing where I would put my hands on my heart, like right in the center of my chest.
5
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I got big mitts, just like you, so you can kind of hit the whole thing.
5
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Take a deep breath.
5
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And then I would say, I m okay.
5
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I m safe.
5
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I m loved.
5
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If you can say those things in this moment, it s true.
5
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You are okay.
5
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You are safe and you are loved, whether you re waking up in a mansion or a homeless shelter.
5
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And what would happen as I was doing this, high-fiving my heart, is you re pressing on the vagus nerve.
5
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Like, that s what you re actually toning.
5
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It s the same thing that Wim Hof is teaching with the ice bath.
5
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You re toning your vagus nerve.
5
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And what the vagus nerve is, as you very well know, because you talk about it on the show, is it s the switch between your sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system.
5
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Fight or flight versus rest.
5
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So if you ever find yourself in a stressful state, give your heart a high five.
5
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Put your hands on your heart, go, I m okay, I m safe, I m loved.
5
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Repeat it 111 times if you need to.
5
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What you ll feel is you ll feel your nervous system start to settle.
5
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you ll feel yourself come back into your body, you ll feel your mind slow down, and you will literally take control of your nervous system.
5
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It is unbelievable.
5
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And it s also really important because, you know, in researching this book, I talked to, you know, the acclaimed Dr. Judy Willis, who s an incredible neuroscientist and
5
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She explained something I never knew, but it makes a lot of sense.
5
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If your nervous system is on edge, it s in a like alert state, you re dysregulated, it s impossible.
5
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for your cognitive function of your brain to work.
5
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I can give you an example.
5
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If somebody were to bust in here with a gun and try to rob us, would you be able to do a math problem?
5
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No.
5
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No.
5
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Just thinking safety.
5
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Yes, exactly.
5
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Save my life.
5
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I bet the majority of people actually walk around.
5
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with a nervous system that is on edge like that, particularly post-pandemic.
5
SPEAKER_00
And for me, the reason why, I ve actually linked it all the way back.
5
SPEAKER_00
So when I was in the fourth grade, I was molested while I was sleeping by an older kid.
5
SPEAKER_00
And in the kind of array of things that can happen in terms of sexual abuse, mine was very tame.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like, it was a one-time incident.
5
SPEAKER_00
It was a kid who was slightly older than me.
5
SPEAKER_00
It was confusing, not scary.
5
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I just possumed, disassociated, don t even remember how it ended.
5
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And for a long time, I didn t even remember it.
5
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And then I remembered it when I was 28 years old.
5
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I believe that the reason why I have always woken up in a state on edge is because of that incident.
5
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Since the fourth grade?
5
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Yes.
5
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And the thing is, Lewis, is that the morning s a trigger.
5
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If you have that stored in your body, something happened to you, something happened to you, something s wrong, something s wrong, because something was wrong.
5
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And you don t have the tools, and no kid does,
5
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to smooth out your nervous system and heal the trauma, that trauma lives in your body.
5
SPEAKER_00
And so I believe most self-sabotaging behavior that people continue to repeat is nothing but stored trauma and your best ability to cope with it when it was happening.
5
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That s why we sabotage.
5
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Yes.
5
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So I don t think it s intentional.
5
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I really don t.
5
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Like even somebody who s diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder,
5
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they don t know that they have that.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s like such a program behavior.
5
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There s no, I m gonna go do that.
5
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I m in love with this person.
5
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Let s go screw it up.
5
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That s not what happens.
5
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And this is also why I m telling you, I know I m crazy passionate about this topic of this standing in front of the mirror and changing how you see yourself.
5
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If you don t get a hold of that story, I m worthless, I m unlovable, I screw everything up, I m a bad person, I m not good enough, nothing works out for me.
5
SPEAKER_00
If you don t change that and start cheering yourself forward, you will stay locked in these self-sabotaging patterns because you will act in a way that you believe it subconsciously or unconsciously.
5
SPEAKER_00
I know it s heavy.
5
SPEAKER_00
Oh, sorry, I keep saying.
5
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It s all good, yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
Man, so you re saying you re 52 right now, as you said?
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
5
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So you re saying I have a lot of work to do still for the rest of my life.
5
SPEAKER_01
It doesn t end.
5
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Well, I don t actually, I don t know.
5
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I don t know if you screwed up your life as much as I did.
5
SPEAKER_00
So I think it s like, and I don t know how much you torture yourself.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m really good at torturing myself, or at least I used to be.
5
SPEAKER_00
And so back to your original question about learning to love yourself, I also think that even if you re wildly successful, whether it s successful in your relationship or successful at work,
5
SPEAKER_00
A lot of us, the more successful we become, the harder we are on ourselves.
5
SPEAKER_00
We harp on the things that aren t going right instead of really focusing on the things that are going well.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, we don t celebrate enough.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
5
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Just on to the next or what could have been more perfect or something like that.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
5
SPEAKER_00
Uh-huh.
5
SPEAKER_01
What is that saying to ourselves when we don t celebrate the hard work we put in?
5
SPEAKER_00
You re not worthy of it.
5
SPEAKER_00
You haven t done enough.
5
SPEAKER_00
Interesting.
5
SPEAKER_00
Even this amazing podcast that you have is enough, Lewis.
5
SPEAKER_00
I ll high five you when I sell it for $100 million.
5
SPEAKER_00
Or I ll high five you, right?
5
SPEAKER_00
It rings true because it s true.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I m not there yet.
5
SPEAKER_00
And somehow if I celebrate this, am I gonna get the big thing?
5
SPEAKER_00
Like think about a marathon.
5
SPEAKER_00
So a marathon, I think life is a marathon.
5
SPEAKER_00
And if you ve ever watched a marathon or run a marathon,
5
SPEAKER_01
I m running one in a few months.
5
SPEAKER_00
Are you?
5
SPEAKER_01
My first one.
5
SPEAKER_00
Oh, fantastic.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s so fun.
5
SPEAKER_01
I m a little terrified.
5
SPEAKER_00
Why?
5
SPEAKER_01
You ve done it?
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I ve done, I run four of them.
5
SPEAKER_00
Well, run is a very aggressive.
5
SPEAKER_01
Jog, run?
5
SPEAKER_00
Sort of.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like, you know, if over five hours can, you know.
5
SPEAKER_01
Okay, you finish.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I finish.
5
SPEAKER_00
I walk through the, you know, the water things.
5
SPEAKER_00
But you re a big guy, so it might be hard on your knees.
5
SPEAKER_01
That s what I m saying, yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
So here s the thing that you re gonna love about it.
5
SPEAKER_01
Okay, tell me.
5
SPEAKER_00
The entire time you re running, spectators are high-fiving you.
5
SPEAKER_01
It gets you through it.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
5
SPEAKER_01
That s what I keep saying.
5
SPEAKER_01
I m like, I feel like running alone is so not fun.
5
SPEAKER_00
If you can do a 13 mile training run.
5
SPEAKER_01
I did a 13 mile.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
5
SPEAKER_01
A few months ago.
5
SPEAKER_00
Then you can run a marathon.
5
SPEAKER_01
Really?
5
SPEAKER_01
Well, because it s just going to get you through it.
5
SPEAKER_00
Well, all of the people get you through it.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
5
SPEAKER_00
Every high five is a transfer of energy.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s a transfer of belief.
5
SPEAKER_00
It drips dopamine.
5
SPEAKER_00
What did Dr. Raymond say?
5
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It actually harnesses the energy of celebration in your nervous system.
5
SPEAKER_00
Every high five says, keep going.
5
SPEAKER_00
It says, I believe in you.
5
SPEAKER_00
It says, you re gonna get there.
5
SPEAKER_00
It makes you enjoy it.
5
SPEAKER_00
The same thing happens in your bathroom mirror.
5
SPEAKER_00
If you have big goals, you better stand in front of that mirror and high five yourself every day, every single step of the way.
5
SPEAKER_00
Stop looking around and waiting for everybody else to do it.
5
SPEAKER_00
Start giving it to yourself and you ll be shocked at how much more quickly things start to happen, at how much more joy you experience along the way, at how much more present you are.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s wild.
5
SPEAKER_01
What s the difference between high-fiving yourself in the mirror versus high-fiving your partner or best friend or business partner?
5
SPEAKER_00
You already do that.
5
SPEAKER_00
You already do that.
5
SPEAKER_00
You re already throwing all this energy at everybody else.
5
SPEAKER_00
And then you get pissed off when it doesn t come back to you.
5
SPEAKER_01
Right.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
Take some of that and give it back to yourself.
5
SPEAKER_00
Improve the connection you have with yourself.
5
SPEAKER_00
And this isn t about like pumping yourself up to think you re like the best person on the planet.
5
SPEAKER_00
This is like the baseline.
5
SPEAKER_00
This is literally being like, you know what?
5
SPEAKER_00
You re gonna have an okay day.
5
SPEAKER_00
Let s go do this.
5
SPEAKER_00
You know what?
5
SPEAKER_00
I see you.
5
SPEAKER_00
I know this is hard.
5
SPEAKER_00
Keep going.
5
SPEAKER_00
I know you re nervous to have this hard conversation with this person.
5
SPEAKER_00
I believe you can do it.
5
SPEAKER_00
Let s go.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like it s just one little boost along the way.
5
SPEAKER_00
You know, if you think about the things that go viral, it s little kids in front of a mirror with their parents getting them to talk affirmations.
5
SPEAKER_00
Correct.
5
SPEAKER_00
We all know that s how we re supposed to feel.
5
SPEAKER_00
But we feel weird and cheesy practicing it?
5
SPEAKER_00
Are you kidding me?
5
SPEAKER_00
The other thing that goes viral, all these teachers that are high-fiving and fist bumping kids with their handshakes as they go in and the mirror one with the I am that just kind of went viral.
5
SPEAKER_00
Why do we all love that?
5
SPEAKER_00
Because we know each one of those kids just felt seen and felt good and felt motivated walking into that classroom.
5
SPEAKER_00
Start your day that way.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, they feel empowered.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
5
SPEAKER_01
It s easier to learn from a place of empowerment than... Correct.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m glad you re here.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
I see you.
5
SPEAKER_01
Right.
5
SPEAKER_00
Glad you showed up today.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
Let s go do this.
5
SPEAKER_01
That s cool.
5
SPEAKER_01
I m curious about manifesting.
5
SPEAKER_01
You ve been really good at manifesting results in your life.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
Especially since the last book.
5
SPEAKER_01
What is your thoughts on how to manifest?
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
Everyone s doing it wrong.
5
SPEAKER_00
That s my thoughts.
5
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_00
How should we manifest the dreams that we have inside of us?
6
SPEAKER_00
And what s your thoughts about the law of attraction on how to apply it the right way?
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I think the law of attraction and manifesting are the same thing.
6
SPEAKER_01
So law of attraction for everybody who has not read The Secret is simply your thoughts become things.
6
SPEAKER_01
And it s true.
6
SPEAKER_01
We ve talked all about how when you have a negative self-talk, it tends to draw
6
SPEAKER_01
more of that to you.
6
SPEAKER_01
I think about it like lint in a dryer.
6
SPEAKER_01
Once negative stuff starts collecting, it collects a lot more.
6
SPEAKER_01
We can also talk about your brain filter or something called the reticular activity system and how it is a live network that filters the brain.
6
SPEAKER_01
We ll dig into that deeper, but let s do surface level right now, manifesting law of attraction.
6
SPEAKER_01
So here s what everybody gets wrong about manifesting.
6
SPEAKER_01
Everybody, at least kind of in the mass market,
6
SPEAKER_01
What you re trained to think about when you think about manifesting is vision boards.
6
SPEAKER_01
And when you hear the word vision boards, you think about the big stuff.
6
SPEAKER_01
Should you have big dreams?
6
SPEAKER_01
Of course you should.
6
SPEAKER_01
Should you dream of building a mansion on the ocean if that s your thing?
6
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
6
SPEAKER_01
Should you dream of the log cabin?
6
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
6
SPEAKER_01
If you want a Lamborghini or the new Ford Bronco, should you buy?
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yes, yes, yes.
6
SPEAKER_01
If you want the family, if you want the body, should you think about?
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, absolutely.
6
SPEAKER_01
Here s where everybody goes wrong.
6
SPEAKER_01
You dream about the end.
6
SPEAKER_01
You make this gorgeous collage of all this stuff that has nothing to do with your current life.
6
SPEAKER_01
That literally, as you re sitting in your studio apartment with the cat box that hasn t been changed in two weeks.
6
SPEAKER_00
No food in the fridge.
6
SPEAKER_01
No food in the fridge.
6
SPEAKER_01
And you re looking for a job and you re staring at a mansion going, someday, it s going to make you feel like a loser.
6
SPEAKER_01
Because the gap between where you are and where you want to go seems insurmountable.
6
SPEAKER_01
And so what happens, based on the research, is when you only visualize the endgame, Lewis, it s demotivating.
6
SPEAKER_01
At first, it s really fun to have a bottle of wine and make your collage.
6
SPEAKER_01
I m going to visualize.
6
SPEAKER_01
I m going to slap this up.
6
SPEAKER_01
There s my vision board.
6
SPEAKER_01
It s fabulous.
6
SPEAKER_01
Law of attraction, baby.
6
SPEAKER_01
Come on.
6
SPEAKER_01
I m going to think about it.
6
SPEAKER_01
It s going to come to me.
6
SPEAKER_01
OK, I ve been doing this for two days.
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I m still in this apartment with the cat box that needs to be changed.
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The way to visualize properly is to visualize the bridge.
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between where you are and where you need to go.
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The bridge.
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Yes, and particularly the horrible stuff.
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So let s use your example of the marathon.
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The vision board would be Lewis crossing.
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Woo!
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Yeah, the arms on the metal.
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The high fives, yeah, I did it.
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High fives, yes, I did it, exactly.
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That will not help you because when you hit mile 13 on the actual race and it is sleeting rain.
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You re saying, why am I doing this?
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Yes, it feels nothing like that thing on your vision board.
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You re going to start a negative dialogue.
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I can t do this.
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My knees hurt.
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This is not what I thought it was gonna be.
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I m not ready for this.
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I didn t train for this.
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I m running New York.
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I trained in LA.
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Are you running in New York?
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LA.
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Okay, good.
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Well, then at least you trained in the right weather.
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So on and on and on, and you are going to tank yourself.
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What you do by visualizing the bridge is you train your nervous system.
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and your mind to do the hard work.
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So you should visualize not crossing the finish line, but what is it like to be at mile 12 when your batteries run out on your earbuds?
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No, I m serious.
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And you keep going.
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What s it like when your shoelace breaks and now your heel is lifting and you re starting to get a blood blister at mile 17?
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What s it feel like when you wake up and it is pouring rain and you visualize yourself running anyway?
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That way, when you visualize the work, you are preparing your body for it, so you re not resistant to it when it comes.
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Isn t that cool?
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I think it s great.
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It s a story that I had, George St.
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Pierre, who s one of the greatest UFC fighters of all time, he said that he always puts himself in the most uncomfortable situations in practice leading up to the fight.
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the hardest situations to get himself out of.
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When his arms are behind his back and he s facing against the mat in between the fence and he s just getting punched in the face, he s like, how do I get out of this?
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He s like, visualize that and seeing how can I get through this.
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Where it seems like I just want to tap out.
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Instead of tapping out, what s the process for figuring out how to get through it?
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To then raise my hand at the end, victorious.
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Totally.
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And so you are literally building up almost like this resilience and this muscle inside of you to do the work to get the thing.
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So yeah, create the vision board, but make sure in addition to crossing the finish line, you have somebody running in the rain.
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You have somebody who, you have an alarm clock that says 513.
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You have, you know, these images that show the stuff that you don t want to do.
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So like for people who want to launch a business, for example, like a lot of people that I m sure follow both of us are dying to launch a business or interested in being an influencer, social media or making money online.
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And what you visualize are the checks.
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or you visualize the money you re gonna make, or you visualize how cool it s gonna be when you re a lifestyle entrepreneur, whatever the hell it is.
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Don t do that.
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Visualize working a day job and telling your friends that you re not gonna go out tonight because you re working on something.
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Visualize making cold calls and being told no.
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Visualize not going to that party because you re staying in on a Saturday and not going to the barbecue because you re putting in the work.
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Visualize sitting in a seminar and learning from other people.
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Visualize watching YouTube videos.
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Visualize your first ever course failing miserably.
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Like literally that s the sort of thing that you want to visualize yourself doing and pushing through because that s going to help you do the work.
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Yeah.
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Isn t that cool?
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I think that s great.
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Yeah.
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Visualizing.
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So in order to manifest what you want, don t just visualize the good things happening.
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Visualize the bridge, all the things it s going to take to get there.
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Yes.
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And the hard parts of the bridge.
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Because then you re ready for it.
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Then you re like, I didn t expect this to be this hard.
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I mean, it s still going to be hard.
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But you re less likely to quit.
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Yes.
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People can go get the book.
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We ve got a couple of final questions.
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They can get the book, The High Five Habit, Take Control of Your Life, with one simple habit.
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Simple high five in the mirror.
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Just boom.
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Boom.
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Boom with yourself.
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That s a good one.
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Yeah, that s a good one.
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You also have a challenge.
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Yes.
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And I ve got a link I m going to send people to.
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You just go to lewishouse.com slash Mel.
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and it ll send you to the High Five Challenge.
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Lewis is doing it, that s right.
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Yes, I ll be doing it.
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Five days, five million people, Lewis, starting their day with this stuff.
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It s a five day challenge, so you can join the community.
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It s super free, it s easy.
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It s easy, it s free, it s fun, and it ll help you build self-confidence, momentum, all that stuff.
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So make sure you get a couple copies of the book.
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This is gonna be a game changer for a long time for many people.
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I believe that.
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You see, the five second rule, it,
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helped you get moving.
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And this... This will keep you going.
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No, this goes deeper.
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What s it do?
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Helps you believe in yourself.
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It helps you stop the self-hatred and the self-doubt that keeps you from doing what you need to do.
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The 5 Second Rule is a hack that
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helps you find instant courage and motivation.
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This fundamentally changes how you see yourself.
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Oh, that s good.
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That s what we need.
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That s what we need.
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Because if you don t learn to love yourself, it s going to be hard to keep going.
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You can go for a day or two days, but it s hard to be consistent when it s painful.
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Most people go through life not loving themselves.
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Right.
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I thought I did.
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I really did.
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You thought you loved yourself.
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I really did.
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But the truth is, I was not
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actually demonstrating it.
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I mean, I was doing it by eating the right stuff and taking care of my body and being very loving and nurturing to my kids and going to therapy.
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But in terms of that intimate moment with myself and how I viewed myself, I still saw what was wrong.
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I still saw a person who needed fixing, a person who had screwed up.
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And what I see now is somebody that I love.
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That s good.
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It s beautiful.
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Yeah.
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I think that s hard for a lot of people.
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Everyone.
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So I m proud of you for doing that, because it s not easy.
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I m not done.
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Like, tomorrow I could wake up and be like, okay, high five, come on, that was a negative.
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Again, people can get the book, melrobbins.com, Mel Robbins everywhere on social media, lewishouse.com slash Mel to get the free challenge.
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Audiobook as well, which is going to be powerful.
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They can go to Audible and check that out.
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This is going to be a big book for a long time, so I want people to get this.
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I think so.
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It s the thing I m the most proud of, Lewis, that I ve ever put out.
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I m excited for you.
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Very excited.
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It s a great book.
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Thanks.
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I asked you this question before.
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I m going to ask it again just so we have it and see what your response is from a few years later now.
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This is called The Three Truths.
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So imagine it s your last day on earth many years away from now and you ve accomplished all your dreams.
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But for whatever reason, you ve got to take all of your work with you.
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So people don t have your books.
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This podcast is gone.
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Your videos, your content.
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It s all gone to another place.
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But you get to leave behind three lessons to the world, three things you know to be true from all of your experiences in life, and this is all we have of your body of work.
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What would you say are those three lessons or three truths for you?
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Oh, well, for sure.
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The most important relationship you have in life is the one you have with yourself.
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So treat yourself like the most important person in your life.
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The second one is, I think what we talked about today, that, oh, I know, we didn t talk about this.
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This is part of the high five attitude.
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This has saved my ass.
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This moment is preparing me for something amazing that hasn t happened yet.
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That saying, which I deeply believe, because life is the greatest school you will ever attend, hence we re at the School of Greatness, man.
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It anchors me down in hope, optimism, and faith, no matter what s happening.
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It is like a mental high five.
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And it has always borne out.
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that there s always a skill or an experience or a life lesson or a person that I have gained in every horrible thing that s ever happened to me or because of me that has prepared me for something amazing that s coming.
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And then the final thing is for sure the five second rule.
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And the application I would want people to know is that
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you can 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and interrupt any thought you don t want to think.
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And that will give you immediate control over what you think next.
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Absolutely.
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Absolutely.
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Oh, and I know, and don t put too much MCT oil in your coffee or else you will literally have an accident trying to hike.
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You ll crap yourself, crap your pants.
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True story.
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Before I ask the final question, I want to acknowledge you for being an amazing friend.
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You re a great friend to me and to so many people.
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And I acknowledge you for constantly showing up, because I know you go through a lot of different challenges, a lot of different weight in your life, pressures, and the fact that you constantly show up in service of creating a book like this and creating content for people.
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so that they can overcome the crap in their life is a beautiful thing.
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So I acknowledge you for being a symbol of inspiration and constantly showing up even when it seems like there s a lot going on in your life.
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So thank you for doing that.
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Thank you.
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And Lewis, let me acknowledge you for something.
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You have been such an amazing friend to me.
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I m going to get emotional probably.
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You have been so open and so generous with your friendship and with your wisdom, both the wisdom that comes from doing great and the wisdom that comes from being shitty.
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And you have
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allowed me to experience what it feels like to be considered a really good friend.
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I appreciate it.
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I appreciate that.
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Thank you.
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Thank you.
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See, now we re all crying.
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You re making me emotional here.
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Okay, final question.
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What s your definition of greatness?
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Oh, this moment right now.
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Two friends fully present with one another, sharing and doing life together.
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There you go.
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I love you.
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High five.
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I love you.
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I love you.
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I hope today s episode inspired you on your journey towards greatness.
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Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today s show with all the important links.
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And if you want more inspiration from our world-class guests and content to learn how to improve the quality of your life, then make sure to sign up for the greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.
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And if no one has told you today, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy and you matter.
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And now it s time to go out there and do something great.