0
SPEAKER_01
Hello?
0
SPEAKER_01
Hey, what s up, man?
0
SPEAKER_00
What s up?
0
SPEAKER_00
Is this Lyle?
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, it says here that your name is Dubious.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
What s up, Dubious?
0
SPEAKER_00
Oh, not much.
0
SPEAKER_00
Just, uh, hanging out after a long day at work.
0
SPEAKER_01
What s happening with you?
0
SPEAKER_00
Um, I m 30 years old and, um, like I started being a drug dealer when I was 16.
0
SPEAKER_00
I m not anymore.
0
SPEAKER_00
I have a family and stuff now and it was just sometimes it s hard for me to accept the transition that has been made in my life, like the calmness of it.
0
SPEAKER_00
I don t have to feel like somebody is going to come around the corner and mess me up or something like that.
0
SPEAKER_00
I don t have to feel like I m going to be pulled over and get sent to prison immediately.
0
SPEAKER_00
Ten years ago, I was still in prison and then now I m a father of three and
0
SPEAKER_00
I don t do much anymore.
0
SPEAKER_00
Just working home and that s it.
0
SPEAKER_01
How long were you in the game for?
0
SPEAKER_00
Um, let s see.
0
SPEAKER_00
I, um, I used to sell drugs for my dad when I was a kid, but whenever I started doing it myself, I was, uh, 16 years old and I did it steadily until I was 19 until I went to prison.
0
SPEAKER_01
You sold them for your dad.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yes, my dad used to sell booger sugar and he thought that it was easier for people to get a bag from a kid than it would be from an adult.
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SPEAKER_00
That way it was less conspicuous, I guess, for him.
0
SPEAKER_00
So he would sit me in the room and lay money out and go, this is what the money that you ll get will look like.
0
SPEAKER_00
Um, if it doesn t look like any of these, uh, don t give them the bag and come back inside.
0
SPEAKER_01
But were you ever in any danger doing that?
0
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
0
SPEAKER_00
Uh, one time, um, I was almost kidnapped by somebody.
0
SPEAKER_00
Uh, CPS was called a bunch of times.
0
SPEAKER_00
So I was, there was a bunch of times where I sat in a, in the backseat of a car while my dad s house was being raided and stuff.
0
SPEAKER_01
Hmm.
0
SPEAKER_01
Do you still, what s your relationship like with your dad these days?
0
SPEAKER_00
Um, he died last year, but I mean, previous to that, it wasn t, it wasn t very good.
0
SPEAKER_00
It was never really a good relationship.
0
SPEAKER_00
It was, he was, um, I mean, other than the drugs and selling and having your kids sell drugs for you, it was, uh, it wasn t the best dad.
0
SPEAKER_01
What s going on with your mom?
0
SPEAKER_00
Uh, she passed away when I was 14.
0
SPEAKER_00
Hmm.
0
SPEAKER_00
Um, she did not like it, but, um, uh, I guess she felt like she was stuck with him.
0
SPEAKER_00
Uh, she died too young for me.
0
SPEAKER_00
I was too young for me to like, uh, ask her what was going on, what she thought and things like that.
0
SPEAKER_01
Hmm.
0
SPEAKER_01
Hmm.
0
SPEAKER_01
And, uh, did you ever get into any like legal trouble?
0
SPEAKER_01
Did you ever have to go to prison or jail or anything?
0
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
0
SPEAKER_00
I spent, uh, two years in state jail for, um, I got caught with two pounds of weed on the interstate going from Colorado to Texas.
0
SPEAKER_00
And, uh, yeah, I gave them a fake name.
0
SPEAKER_00
I was on the run already for two years for some other things that I had done previous to that.
0
SPEAKER_00
And, uh, that just,
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SPEAKER_00
That was the last domino, I guess, or the straw that broke the camel s back.
0
SPEAKER_00
And everything just pretty much collapsed underneath me at that point.
0
SPEAKER_01
Now, um, is there, have you like served your time already for, for everything?
0
SPEAKER_01
Are you, are you worried at all about any parts of your past life kind of coming back to you?
0
SPEAKER_00
Um, maybe the only part that I d be a little worried about would be the thing that I told you in the text message.
0
SPEAKER_00
But other than that,
0
SPEAKER_00
I served my time for what I went to jail for.
0
SPEAKER_00
And as far as the legalities of the other things go, I think that there s been enough time that I m okay to speak about some of these things.
0
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
0
SPEAKER_01
Hmm.
0
SPEAKER_01
Mmm.
0
SPEAKER_01
What is he gonna say?
0
SPEAKER_01
I don t know why I keep this is stupid, but I m think I ve just played Red Dead Redemption Which is about a guy who used to like be in a gang, but he s like turning his life around So I m like you kind of remind me of John Marston Well anyway What s a What was it like in prison man?
0
SPEAKER_00
Um, dude, it was, I mean, like you hear stories and shit.
0
SPEAKER_00
And then I first went in and then I talked to people.
0
SPEAKER_00
The first week was okay.
0
SPEAKER_00
And then after the first month, I saw my first stabbing.
0
SPEAKER_00
And then, um, my first month and a half, I saw, um, a grown man s butthole to take it away from him unwillingly.
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SPEAKER_00
Pretty in pretty close vicinity.
0
SPEAKER_00
So that was, that was one of those moments where I was like,
0
SPEAKER_00
You ever see those movies where people go to prison and there s always that one guy that s crying and he s like, I don t belong here.
0
SPEAKER_00
Totally felt like that after I saw that happen.
0
SPEAKER_00
I was like, bro, I was just selling drugs.
0
SPEAKER_00
Dude, I was just selling weed.
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SPEAKER_00
I don t belong here.
0
SPEAKER_00
I don t feel like I should be in here with you people, but yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
Do you ever find it crazy when you go into like a weed shop in Denver or California and it s like a fucking Apple store and you can pay for it with a credit card and you re like, fuck man, I went to prison for something that s like you can buy with a fucking credit card at a store at this place.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it s still wild.
0
SPEAKER_00
I live in a legal state now, so it s, um, it s definitely crazy.
0
SPEAKER_00
And it s a wild thought to think that I went to prison for two years for that.
0
SPEAKER_00
And now I can just go literally buy what I went to prison for and bring it home and just be totally fine.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it s fucking crazy.
0
SPEAKER_01
I feel like I interrupted you.
0
SPEAKER_01
There was something else you were going to say about prison.
0
SPEAKER_00
Um,
0
SPEAKER_00
Let s see.
0
SPEAKER_00
Other than that, it was just, uh, you go about your business and stuff.
0
SPEAKER_00
Um, it was racially divided.
0
SPEAKER_00
So not only was it racially divided, it was, um, your race would walk up to you and they d ask you what part of the state you re from.
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SPEAKER_00
And then they would point you to the direction of people that are from that area.
0
SPEAKER_00
And then you go hang out with those people.
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SPEAKER_00
And those are the people that you stick with until you leave or until, or unless you decide to do like your own thing.
0
SPEAKER_00
Like it s not always so much of a protection thing, but just like, you re not, they don t really want you to associate with other races.
0
SPEAKER_01
Did you, was there pressure ever to like fight with the other races or else have your gang like beat you up?
0
SPEAKER_00
Yes, there was one instance where I was at lunch and somebody took my fruit off my tray and
0
SPEAKER_00
The guy, the guy that took it was like, uh, this is mine.
0
SPEAKER_00
And that s it.
0
SPEAKER_00
Right.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I was like, no, man, I m gonna need you to put that back.
0
SPEAKER_00
And then, uh, three other gentlemen walked up behind him and he was like, yeah, I don t think that s going to happen.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I, I just shut up and I let them walk away.
0
SPEAKER_00
And then after that, another gentleman walked up and sat next to me.
0
SPEAKER_00
He was like, Hey bro, uh, that should just happen in front of everybody.
0
SPEAKER_00
He can t let that shit slide.
0
SPEAKER_00
Uh, you re gonna have to, you re gonna have to, uh, handle that.
0
SPEAKER_00
And, uh, I didn t, I didn t know what to do.
0
SPEAKER_00
I was like, I don t know what to do, bro.
0
SPEAKER_00
Like, do I beat him up or what?
0
SPEAKER_00
It s like, yeah, I m just, I m new here.
0
SPEAKER_00
And he, uh, scoffed at me and went, fucking you guys and just got up and walked away.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I was like, I don t, I don t really know what that means, man.
0
SPEAKER_00
Like I m fucking you here.
0
SPEAKER_00
Like I took that as like, you re supposed to know what s going on here already and shit like that.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I was like, still a new guy and shit.
0
SPEAKER_00
And, um, someone sold me a,
0
SPEAKER_00
um, a knife for protection.
0
SPEAKER_00
And, uh, they told me to go use that on him and things would be okay for me.
0
SPEAKER_00
Uh, I didn t use it on him, but I did end up fighting him.
0
SPEAKER_00
Uh, I got beat up severely and I went to the hospital in prison for that, like maybe like a month and a half.
0
SPEAKER_00
Cause I got jumped by him and his buddies, but I was okay with my people and I was okay with his people because, um, I guess I had stepped up to him and it was, it was what they call a heart check.
0
SPEAKER_00
They just needed to see,
0
SPEAKER_00
where I was and if I was going to be a welcome mat to everybody in the prison, or if I was going to be a person that was like, not so much that you had to watch out for, but someone that you were just like, yeah, don t mess with him.
0
SPEAKER_00
He s all right.
0
SPEAKER_01
He, he minds his own, you know, somebody gave you a knife to use on him.
0
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I had to buy that knife.
0
SPEAKER_00
I bought that knife.
0
SPEAKER_00
And after the guy dropped at me and called me a new guy, someone else walked up and like, Hey man, I got what you need.
0
SPEAKER_00
Follow me, followed him up to his cell.
1
SPEAKER_01
He was like, uh, here s this knife.
1
SPEAKER_01
Uh, you owe me this much for it.
1
SPEAKER_01
I think it was like 30, 40 bucks.
1
SPEAKER_01
And, uh, yeah, he was like, uh, use this and, uh, go fuck him up, but make sure that it s in front of everybody.
1
SPEAKER_01
So everybody knows that you re handling what happened today.
1
SPEAKER_00
Now that how does that conflict with like I assume that if you re beating people up in prison or stabbing people Do they add that on to your sentence?
1
SPEAKER_01
Does that it depends on the severity of it?
1
SPEAKER_01
If it was just a fight you get tossed in the hole and you get maybe another two weeks or a month added to your time But it was two for one for me.
1
SPEAKER_01
So like every two days is worth or
1
SPEAKER_01
What was it?
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
Every two days would be one day or every, every one day is worth two days is what they would tell me.
1
SPEAKER_00
Every one day is worth two days.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_01
But I either way, I still did two years time.
1
SPEAKER_01
Cause that s, that s what I was sent into sentence to in sentence to in court.
1
SPEAKER_01
So that s, that s what I ended up doing.
1
SPEAKER_00
And did anyone else ever try to fuck with you after that, or did you eventually kind of get into your own?
1
SPEAKER_01
No, everything just smoothed out after that, and I spent the rest of my time there hanging out with people, learning how to draw.
1
SPEAKER_01
I did a couple drugs in there, but then once you find out how those drugs come in there, you re like, I don t really want to do that stuff no more.
1
SPEAKER_00
I assume they come in in people s assholes.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, for the most part, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
What kind of drugs?
1
SPEAKER_01
Um, I smoked weed, but there s, there s a lot of drugs in there.
1
SPEAKER_01
There s a lot of drugs.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s just like being in the streets, but just in a confined space.
1
SPEAKER_00
How old were you when you got out?
1
SPEAKER_00
I was 21.
1
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
1
SPEAKER_00
So you got in when you were 19?
1
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s fucking tough, man.
1
SPEAKER_01
It was wild.
1
SPEAKER_00
And did the dealing cease when you got out, or did you go back for more?
1
SPEAKER_01
I didn t deal as hard as I used to, but I still deal because it was something that I was used to doing.
1
SPEAKER_01
It was like a quick buck, I guess, for me.
1
SPEAKER_01
It was just an easy way to get money, so I didn t really have to worry about a job.
1
SPEAKER_01
And so I started having kids and then that started to change.
1
SPEAKER_01
Even though it was just weed, I still didn t want to, I didn t want to sell anymore.
1
SPEAKER_01
Like there was times where I would get home from work and then have to back up stuff and go sell.
1
SPEAKER_01
And my son would be like, let s hang out.
1
SPEAKER_01
Let s play or something.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I d be like, Oh buddy, I ll be right back.
1
SPEAKER_01
I ve got to do something real quick.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I just, it bummed me out to hear that from him.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I felt like I was beating my father.
1
SPEAKER_01
So I just, I felt like it was better for me to stop.
1
SPEAKER_00
Hmm.
1
SPEAKER_00
Hmm.
1
SPEAKER_00
How long ago did you stop?
1
SPEAKER_01
Um, let s see.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s been six years now.
1
SPEAKER_01
So I stopped when I was 24.
1
SPEAKER_00
Mm-hmm.
1
SPEAKER_01
When did you have your kid?
1
SPEAKER_01
Um, shoot.
1
SPEAKER_01
My first kid I had when I was 16.
1
SPEAKER_01
My second kid I had when I was 23.
1
SPEAKER_01
And then I m on my third kid now that will be due in November.
1
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
1
SPEAKER_01
What was up with your kid while you were in jail?
1
SPEAKER_01
Um, my youngest one, I do not have the best relationship with.
1
SPEAKER_01
He thinks that, uh, I left because I didn t love him.
1
SPEAKER_01
So like, I m trying my best to fix that as much as I can.
1
SPEAKER_01
But, um, it was, it s the way he felt growing up with me not being there or me being in and out of his life.
1
SPEAKER_01
And, uh, his mom s not a huge fan of me.
1
SPEAKER_01
So there s always that too.
1
SPEAKER_01
Hmm.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
I was going to ask that too.
1
SPEAKER_01
I was going to ask that too.
1
SPEAKER_00
What s, uh, uh, do you still have a relationship at all with the woman that you had the kid with at 16?
1
SPEAKER_01
Um, no, I have more relationship with my son now than I do with her.
1
SPEAKER_01
Every time we in her talk, it s always a fight.
1
SPEAKER_01
And no matter how much I feel like I have grown as an adult, I try to,
1
SPEAKER_01
look at the conversation in so many different ways and try to see how I could say things differently.
1
SPEAKER_01
That way she s not offended or anything like that, but there s still some feelings there.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I feel like she still sees me as a 15 year old kid that got her pregnant all those years ago.
1
SPEAKER_00
Now, what about the two other kids?
1
SPEAKER_01
Um, the, my youngest son s mom, uh, we re okay.
1
SPEAKER_01
We re okay.
1
SPEAKER_01
It took some time, but we re okay.
1
SPEAKER_01
Um, we co-parent, he comes out and hangs out every weekend and he stays longer on breaks and stuff like that at school.
1
SPEAKER_01
Uh, we live five minutes away from each other, so it s not that bad.
1
SPEAKER_01
I go see him sometimes during the week.
1
SPEAKER_01
My oldest kid lives in Texas and I currently stay in Missouri.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s, that s a bit more of a travel.
1
SPEAKER_01
I try to use my vacation in the summertime to go see him.
1
SPEAKER_01
And, uh, as for my third kid, I m with her.
1
SPEAKER_01
Uh, we re together and we plan on keeping it that way.
1
SPEAKER_00
Uh, is it the same woman, the second and the third kid?
1
SPEAKER_00
Are they with the same woman?
1
SPEAKER_01
Nope.
1
SPEAKER_01
Uh, three women all together.
1
SPEAKER_00
Hmm.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
The second kid, uh, uh, how s, how s your relationship with that woman?
1
SPEAKER_01
It s all right.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s all right.
1
SPEAKER_01
It took some time, but we re okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
And are you married now or have a girlfriend?
1
SPEAKER_01
Um, we re engaged.
1
SPEAKER_00
Fantastic.
1
SPEAKER_00
Congratulations, man.
1
SPEAKER_00
Thank you.
1
SPEAKER_00
Are you happy?
1
SPEAKER_00
Are you excited about life?
1
SPEAKER_01
I am.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s, um, very different when I, when I think back on how much things have changed from being a teenager to now, how calm things are.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s very nice.
1
SPEAKER_01
Mm hmm.
1
SPEAKER_01
What do you do for work now?
1
SPEAKER_01
Um, I work at a dog.
1
SPEAKER_01
I work at a factory that makes wavering for dog and cat food.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m a warehouse guy there.
1
SPEAKER_01
Hmm.
1
SPEAKER_00
Do you ever like, I don t know, I don t know if this is a thing, but do you, do you, I assume that some of the drug dealing, there was like a sense of, I don t know, adrenaline there.
1
SPEAKER_00
Do you, do you miss that or have anything in your life that kind of fulfills that?
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I know there s, there s definitely some times where I, um, I miss the fun.
1
SPEAKER_01
Uh, sometimes I tell my fiance that, uh, it sucks being a healthy adult,
1
SPEAKER_01
Sometimes I just wanna, I want us to have a fight and just like say horrible, mean things to each other and shit for once, instead of just being like, Hey, I understand that you don t feel very well right now.
1
SPEAKER_01
Whenever you have a moment, let s talk about this.
1
SPEAKER_01
I mean, I don t miss it as much, but there are some times that I do miss it as for finding something that takes up that void or that feeling it s, um,
1
SPEAKER_01
Projects video games and hiking and trying to do like regular people shit, I guess Do you have a
1
SPEAKER_00
Different perspective or or have you developed any kind of thoughts about your relationship with your dad?
1
SPEAKER_00
since having kids and You know, I think so if you re 30 if you re 30 your kid is like, you know 15 and and you know I about the age that you were when your dad was asking you to deal drugs and stuff like Yeah, tell me tell me those thoughts that you have
1
SPEAKER_01
I would never do that.
1
SPEAKER_01
I would never ask my son to do that.
1
SPEAKER_01
I would never put any of my kids in any of the situations my dad ever put me through.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s, uh, it s wild as fuck to think what was going on through my dad s mind during that.
1
SPEAKER_01
Uh, I ve always thought that maybe, maybe he was too traumatized by whatever happened in his childhood that he couldn t cope or just like stopped caring at some point.
1
SPEAKER_01
Cause I mean, he had 17 kids.
1
SPEAKER_01
I was the last kid.
1
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
1
SPEAKER_01
Like another part of me was like,
1
SPEAKER_01
Another part of me is like, he s probably just like done with it and just like did a very bare minimum and was like, yeah, you know what?
1
SPEAKER_01
Here s an extra thing for you to do in your life.
1
SPEAKER_00
Do you talk to any, do you have any, do you talk to any of your brothers or sisters?
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
They re all, they re all older than me.
1
SPEAKER_01
They re all like in their fifties, late fifties.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s a, it s weird having conversations with them.
1
SPEAKER_01
I get along more with my nieces and nephews than I do with them.
1
SPEAKER_00
Do you get to see them very often?
1
SPEAKER_01
Not as much as I d like to.
1
SPEAKER_00
Hmm.
1
SPEAKER_00
Hmm.
1
SPEAKER_00
Do you, do you have any friends?
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Where, where are those friends from?
1
SPEAKER_00
Uh, they re from, I live here in Missouri now, so they re from Missouri.
1
SPEAKER_01
I still have some
2
SPEAKER_01
friends in Texas.
2
SPEAKER_01
I have friends that I ve made, I guess, in the game that are kind of spread out through the states and stuff, and a couple in Mexico.
2
SPEAKER_00
What s your, like, I was gonna say dream in life, but I guess, you know, how are you thinking about life moving forward?
2
SPEAKER_00
Like, what are your goals?
2
SPEAKER_00
What do you wanna, what are you thinking about all day when you re thinking about the future?
2
SPEAKER_01
I guess before I had kids, I used to think that I peaked early because of all the vast amounts of money that I used to make.
2
SPEAKER_01
I mean, I guess to me, it was a lot of money, but to others, it s probably like, eh, it s not that bad.
2
SPEAKER_01
But to me, I was making a lot of money at that point, and I used to think that I peaked at that time.
2
SPEAKER_01
And now that I have kids, my dream now is to just be a good father.
2
SPEAKER_01
I want to be involved in my kids  life, and I just want to be there as much as I can to show them that I love them.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s it.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s it really.
2
SPEAKER_01
I mean, I feel like my dreams are over.
2
SPEAKER_01
I mean, not that they re necessarily over because I have kids, but like, I ve done a lot of fun things in my life that I don t feel like there s a lot more for me to do.
2
SPEAKER_01
And it s, I feel like I d rather put that energy into my kids and my family and my regular life now, I guess.
2
SPEAKER_00
That s great, man.
2
SPEAKER_00
How d you meet your wife?
2
SPEAKER_00
Um, uh, on a dating app, actually.
2
SPEAKER_00
Which one?
2
SPEAKER_00
It was called, okay.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_00
Cupid.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_00
Cupid.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_00
I was on Cupid back in college.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, it was, it was supposed to be a one night stand that ended up being something really great.
2
SPEAKER_00
That s wonderful, man.
2
SPEAKER_00
What s, uh, what s her deal.
2
SPEAKER_00
What s her life like?
2
SPEAKER_01
Um, she grew up very differently than I did.
2
SPEAKER_01
She s five years younger than I am.
2
SPEAKER_01
Um,
2
SPEAKER_01
we kind of didn t have the best of childhoods.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I guess we, we bond in that.
2
SPEAKER_01
But I mean, we re very, we re totally opposites.
2
SPEAKER_01
And it s weird that we even have been together this long, but we fit perfectly.
2
SPEAKER_00
Opposite in what kind of way?
2
SPEAKER_01
Um, opposite and the way, and the way that we think opposite and the way that we grew up and things like that.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like my thought process is different to hers.
2
SPEAKER_01
Uh, her childhood, even though we re, even though it was both traumatic, it was very different than mine.
2
SPEAKER_01
Um, I, I at one point was in a gang and she was never in a gang.
2
SPEAKER_01
Um, I sometimes joke that I m the ghetto thing that s ever happened to her.
2
SPEAKER_00
Bro, you re literally John Marston.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, pretty much.
2
SPEAKER_01
Hmm.
2
SPEAKER_00
Well, I m very happy for you, man.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m very happy that you re, it sounds like you ve been through a fucking hell of a lot.
2
SPEAKER_00
And it sounds like, you sound very, just not even just your life circumstances, but just as I m talking to you in this conversation, you sound like you have a very mature outlook on life and on relationships and things sound very steady and stable for you.
2
SPEAKER_00
I appreciate that, Al.
2
SPEAKER_00
Of course, man.
2
SPEAKER_00
You ever have the chance to talk about any of this stuff in real therapy?
2
SPEAKER_01
Uh, no, it s always been too expensive.
2
SPEAKER_01
Um, I ve always used, um, mushrooms is a good way for me to work on my inner self.
2
SPEAKER_01
I usually just take a really big dose.
2
SPEAKER_01
And then I understand that the first few hours of the fun stuff are just strictly for fun.
2
SPEAKER_01
But then after that, it s, um,
2
SPEAKER_01
It s some time for Dubious to find out how Dubious works and why he works the way he works.
2
SPEAKER_00
What s a big dose for you?
2
SPEAKER_01
Today, the biggest dose I ve taken is 15 grams.
2
SPEAKER_00
15 grams, Jesus Christ.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yes, sir.
2
SPEAKER_00
I don t think I ve done any more than like three.
2
SPEAKER_00
I d like to venture out there.
2
SPEAKER_00
Are you still a pot guy?
2
SPEAKER_00
Were you ever like a big pot smoker?
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, always, always, always.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I m, I m very high right now while I m talking to you.
2
SPEAKER_00
Um, it is, it is really, I know we said it already, but it is so crazy that people were, were locked up and I think are, I don t know anything about this kind of stuff, but are people still locked up for weed?
2
SPEAKER_01
Uh, and, and the states that have legalized it, I don t think so anymore.
2
SPEAKER_01
I think they re,
2
SPEAKER_01
getting out.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I think they re working on getting those things expunged off the record.
2
SPEAKER_00
Let s say you could go back right now and talk to your 16 year old self or if there s anybody listening to this that maybe was in a similar is in a similar situation or anything.
2
SPEAKER_00
What would you say to them?
2
SPEAKER_01
I would say
2
SPEAKER_01
to maybe change up what you re doing because it s not going to be nice in the long run.
2
SPEAKER_01
Or I would just go, you re going to end up being a great person, bro.
2
SPEAKER_01
Keep, keep it up.
2
SPEAKER_01
You re doing great.
2
SPEAKER_01
But at some, sometimes I think about that and sometimes I feel like 16 year old me would want to beat up 30 year old me and think, um, why are we such a bitch?
2
SPEAKER_01
What happened along the way?
2
SPEAKER_01
Why are we like this?
2
SPEAKER_01
Uh, another part of me would think that it would work out in here to go, holy shit.
2
SPEAKER_01
You re a lot different.
2
SPEAKER_01
I like this you.
2
SPEAKER_00
Hmm.
2
SPEAKER_00
What do you think has been the most difficult thing in this process of maturation that you ve gone through?
2
SPEAKER_01
Um, the hardest thing was letting go of, uh, bad things that happened to me.
2
SPEAKER_01
I used to always blame the world for everything that was going on.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I realized now that it was, a lot of it was my fault.
2
SPEAKER_01
I put myself in a lot of bad situations.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I wouldn t feel the way or be the way that I am now if I just not put myself in those situations.
2
SPEAKER_00
This might be a tough one and I hope it s not out of place to ask or anything like that, but do you have you ever or do you think you would ever get to a place where you would forgive your father for any of the stuff he s put you through?
2
SPEAKER_01
I m trying to.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s what I m working on right now.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m trying to work on letting go of that one.
2
SPEAKER_01
That one s by far the biggest one I have.
2
SPEAKER_00
Do you talk to your siblings about him at all and get their perspective on it?
2
SPEAKER_00
And if you do, is that helpful?
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I do get the perspective as far as it being helpful.
2
SPEAKER_01
No, because my dad was an asshole to all of us.
2
SPEAKER_01
So we re all in our feelings about it up to a certain extent.
2
SPEAKER_01
And all of us only see it a certain way.
2
SPEAKER_01
And even though they re older than me, I still see that they re very bothered by the pain that he caused to them.
2
SPEAKER_01
So even though I feel like I m working through mine, I can t really expect them to work through theirs.
2
SPEAKER_01
They see it how they see it.
2
SPEAKER_01
My dad sold one of my brothers, and he thinks that he would have had a better life with my dad instead of being sold and having a good life with the parents that he grew up with.
2
SPEAKER_00
Wait, I m so sorry.
2
SPEAKER_00
You said your brother thinks he would have had a better life.
2
SPEAKER_00
Your brother would have had a better life staying with your dad instead of being sold.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_01
And the rest of us are like, no, no, we all would have wanted to get sold rather than stay home with him.
2
SPEAKER_00
Well, man, it s such a cool thing that you re at a place right now where you have
2
SPEAKER_00
healthy relationships with people and you have the opportunity as a father to Be a good dad, you know to like be the kind of dad that that your dad wasn t and it sounds like you re really there to make the most out of that opportunity and I find that very admirable because there s a lot of
2
SPEAKER_00
people who unfortunately get trapped in like that cycle right of like you know my life was shitty and so I m gonna make my kids life shitty and so on and so forth and I know it must take a lot of time and energy and and thoughtfulness to to break that and to become the kind of person that you are today so fucking good on you sir thanks man it s really hard
2
SPEAKER_01
It s really hard.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s hard to be a good dad whenever you didn t have one.
3
SPEAKER_02
Sometimes my son will ask me why I m such a good dad.
3
SPEAKER_02
And it s weird because I ll be like, I don t know, man, I ve never had a good one.
3
SPEAKER_02
The only reason I know how to be a good one is because I saw a bunch of TV dads and shit.
3
SPEAKER_02
I feel like that s why I learned how to be a good dad.
3
SPEAKER_00
Who s your favorite TV dad?
3
SPEAKER_02
By far, probably Uncle Phil.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
He s not even a dad, he s an uncle.
3
SPEAKER_02
Well, yeah, yeah, but what he did for me was really awesome.
3
SPEAKER_02
He was there for him a lot more than his actual dad was and yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Hmm.
3
SPEAKER_00
Um, what s your name again?
3
SPEAKER_00
Dubious.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Have you always gone by dubious?
3
SPEAKER_02
Uh, no, no.
3
SPEAKER_02
Um, it s just to get my Xbox name.
3
SPEAKER_02
So I just, it s a nice name.
3
SPEAKER_02
I just, I go by that whenever I can.
3
SPEAKER_02
What do you play on Xbox?
3
SPEAKER_02
Um, mainly Call of Duty.
3
SPEAKER_02
I play Warzone a lot.
3
SPEAKER_00
You ever play Grand Theft Auto?
3
SPEAKER_00
I do.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Do the, do the, do the drug dealers in Grand Theft Auto talk anything like real drug dealers?
3
SPEAKER_02
No.
3
SPEAKER_02
Uh, sometimes like online, um, Gerald, that guy, he kind of talks like a real dealer, but the other one s kind of a little different, I guess.
3
SPEAKER_02
Maybe because jail was the only kind of jail that I kind of dealt with.
3
SPEAKER_02
Like even whenever I d go into Mexico and stuff to go get things, there was one guy that always spoke very well English there while the other ones did the work.
3
SPEAKER_00
Um... DubiousMan, is there any other, like... First of all, thanks so much for coming on here and talking to me about all this stuff.
3
SPEAKER_00
I hope it was, like, a good experience for you.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t know how much you, like... It was, man.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m a huge fan.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m a huge fan.
3
SPEAKER_00
Fuck yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Fuck yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s awesome.
3
SPEAKER_00
Um... Is there any other aspect of any of this that you would want to talk about or anything else you want to say?
3
SPEAKER_02
Um, probably that drug dealing isn t all that it s looking up to be.
3
SPEAKER_02
All that I m left now is I don t have anything to show for it besides a bunch of half-assed stories that people probably don t even believe.
3
SPEAKER_00
What s your favorite half-assed story that people don t believe?
3
SPEAKER_02
Um, let s see.
3
SPEAKER_02
One time I went to go pick up, um, I believe it was like a hundred pounds of Mexican brick weed.
3
SPEAKER_02
And, uh, to me at that time was, I was like, this is really fucking cool.
3
SPEAKER_02
This is dope for me.
3
SPEAKER_02
And, um, the guy that I picked it up from was like, Hey, I m just going to put these in your trunk.
3
SPEAKER_02
And I was like, Whoa, bro, I got to go back to the border with this.
3
SPEAKER_02
He was like, it s totally fine.
3
SPEAKER_02
Uh, before you call me to the call, uh, before you get to the border, call me and I ll let you know what lane to get into.
3
SPEAKER_02
And, uh, he, I called him, he told me the lane to go to.
3
SPEAKER_02
And, um, the guy just passing by, he, uh, walked up to my window and he s like, are you so-and-so?
3
SPEAKER_02
And I was like, yes, I am.
3
SPEAKER_02
He s like, are you so-and-so s friend?
3
SPEAKER_02
I was like, I am so-and-so s friend.
3
SPEAKER_02
And he s like, all right, go ahead.
3
SPEAKER_02
And then I passed with a hundred pounds of Mexican brick wheat in my trunk.
3
SPEAKER_02
And I felt like the biggest thing ever with that.
3
SPEAKER_00
I was like, this is so cool.
3
SPEAKER_00
Holy shit.
3
SPEAKER_00
Wait, this was to a border agent guy?
3
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, holy shit.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
He was probably being paid off or threatened to buy cartels or some shit.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
No, um, I don t, I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_02
I don t know if any of the people that I got from were, were cartels, but I knew that it was a good discount.
3
SPEAKER_02
I was paying $10 for one pound of weed.
3
SPEAKER_00
Is that, that sounds like a, that sounds like a pretty good discount.
3
SPEAKER_02
Indeed it is.
3
SPEAKER_02
I guess back then a one pound was going for $500 in my area.
3
SPEAKER_02
So for me to drive out there and get it for $10, it was a steal.
3
SPEAKER_00
Um, do you ever talk about any of this stuff?
3
SPEAKER_00
Would you ever do like, uh, I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
How often do you get to like, talk about this stuff or, or, or share these stories?
3
SPEAKER_02
Not that much.
3
SPEAKER_02
Not that much.
3
SPEAKER_02
I talk about it with my friends every time that they ask me stuff.
3
SPEAKER_02
Um, but no, not really.
3
SPEAKER_02
Well, thanks again for, uh,
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, go ahead?
3
SPEAKER_02
No, no, no, you go ahead.
3
SPEAKER_00
You re fine.
3
SPEAKER_00
I was just gonna say, thanks again for coming on and talking.
3
SPEAKER_00
I want you to enjoy getting high, being a father, and playing video games in exactly that order.
3
SPEAKER_00
Take care, Dubious.
3
SPEAKER_00
Thanks for calling, man.
3
SPEAKER_02
You too, man.
3
SPEAKER_00
Hello?
3
SPEAKER_00
Hey, what s up, man?
3
SPEAKER_01
My God, is this Lyle?
3
SPEAKER_01
That s crazy.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, what s up?
3
SPEAKER_00
Is this Nick?
3
SPEAKER_01
This is, yeah, this is Nick here.
3
SPEAKER_00
Nick, you texted me and you said, uh, my name is Nick.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m 25.
3
SPEAKER_00
I want to talk about sacrificing my childhood for rock and roll.
3
SPEAKER_00
What does that mean?
3
SPEAKER_00
Damn right, man.
3
SPEAKER_01
Well, I grew up starting like pretty young playing music and
3
SPEAKER_01
kind of did that my whole childhood instead of doing like the normal thing.
3
SPEAKER_01
Having friends and doing that kind of shit.
3
SPEAKER_00
So you were playing Bedroom Rock while everyone else was playing Call of Duty Zombies.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, yeah, that s right.
3
SPEAKER_01
I mean, we played a little Zombies in there too before practice, but yeah, our practice schedule was pretty, uh,
3
SPEAKER_01
pretty rigorous, we would do about like five days a week.
3
SPEAKER_01
And with our first guitarist, it actually got to the point where he, he left the band because he felt, I think he felt maybe he was losing a bit of that, that feeling from childhood, like actually getting to hang out with people and do stuff after school with your friends instead of just get done with school, go practice for three or four hours and then go home, do your homework and then do it all again the next day.
3
SPEAKER_00
And this is throughout middle school and high school?
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, we started this band, and I ll just keep the name under wraps and whatnot, but we started this band in like elementary.
3
SPEAKER_01
It was probably fifth or sixth grade.
3
SPEAKER_01
And we kept that band going all the way through high school, but it was a couple different guitarists throughout that time.
3
SPEAKER_01
But we had a couple really amazing experiences that we got to do.
3
SPEAKER_01
We got to open up for some big name groups.
3
SPEAKER_01
and, you know, play all over a couple summers.
3
SPEAKER_01
We were just lined up every weekend with gigs and that was just a cool feeling instead of going to, I don t know, parties and shit.
3
SPEAKER_01
We just, we played at the parties, I guess.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s fun though, man.
3
SPEAKER_00
That really is.
3
SPEAKER_00
Because I think there s something, at least in my personal life, I ve always felt like there s something about combining your work or, not even like work, but like any kind of like active creation or pursuit with
3
SPEAKER_00
your social life.
3
SPEAKER_00
So like, I assume after you played at these parties, you then went and enjoyed the party.
3
SPEAKER_00
And the party was now was now better for you because you were the cool guitar guy up front.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know, that was that was always the thing you kind of hoped for.
3
SPEAKER_01
But I feel like because I ve never really hung out with a lot of people, my social like my feeling of wanting to be social with people wasn t as
3
SPEAKER_01
As out there, so when the gig was done, I just kind of enjoyed packing up, you know, getting paid and then heading home because we had to probably wake up early for school the next day or get ready for practice or another gig.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so it wasn t really the whole, the nine yards or like the sex, drugs and rock and roll.
3
SPEAKER_01
Cause we re just kids at that time.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I mean, we were pretty, I don t want to say like goody two shoes or anything, but we just didn t get too crazy in the drugs or anything like that, which I m grateful for.
3
SPEAKER_00
Do you really feel like you missed out on your childhood?
3
SPEAKER_00
What specifically do you feel like you missed out on?
3
SPEAKER_01
I feel like I really missed out on just making connections with people.
3
SPEAKER_01
Say when you go and see a band or you re at a party and you re hanging out with people listening to the music, I was instead the person on stage.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so I didn t really make those connections where I thought I could have.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then as well as just how often we practiced, you know, I had the close friend as our guitarist and then the bassist.
3
SPEAKER_01
But beyond that, it was just kind of, I didn t really hang out with anybody.
4
SPEAKER_01
I don t necessarily blame rock and roll, but I feel like I did sacrifice it for the rock and roll in a sense.
4
SPEAKER_01
It was just a path that I chose to take.
4
SPEAKER_00
Were you close friends with the other people in the band?
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
We were very tight.
4
SPEAKER_01
I mean, we still are to this day, too.
4
SPEAKER_01
So, look, man.
4
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
4
SPEAKER_00
I mean, it s very... This is a funny thing.
4
SPEAKER_00
where yeah there s a tradition there s this idea of what a traditional college or high school experience looks like right like it s some kind of john hughes movie where everyone s getting laid all the time and and getting high and has this big group of friends and whatnot and i don t know if
4
SPEAKER_00
that exists i think everyone well i mean i it it doesn t exist by nature because there s no true collective experience you just have what you everyone just has individually whatever happened to them and for you at least from my perspective it sounds like it sounds to me like you did what in my opinion is the best
4
SPEAKER_00
coolest thing to do which is to go fuck all of that fuck the theater club fuck the football games i m gonna carve out my own personal lane and i m gonna do my thing
4
SPEAKER_00
And, better yet, you know, it s not like you re, I mean, dude, you know, doing this with your best friends.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s like, I m gonna do my thing with my friends, and that s the best thing you could do.
4
SPEAKER_00
That s a little bit like, I feel like what I did, you know, I was doing stand-up.
4
SPEAKER_00
as a kid when I was like 16 and my friends and I were making movies and I didn t go to clubs or like big crazy parties or whatever.
4
SPEAKER_00
But I had my friends and I had my own world, my own lane.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, and it sounds like, you know, it sounds like that s what you had.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, and like now that I m really thinking about it, I think there may have been some sort of, as a child at least, some sort of expectations that I felt like
4
SPEAKER_01
Needed to have for a childhood, you know, there s a Expectation that I was hoping to meet maybe in terms of some social goals You know having a circle of friends or whatnot, but then when I really look at it I had my circle.
4
SPEAKER_01
It was just a lot smaller than maybe I Intended it to be as a kid Oh Man very few like I was
4
SPEAKER_01
I kind of knew everybody, of course, because I was in the band.
4
SPEAKER_01
Everybody knew me as the guy that was in the band, but I didn t really talk with anybody because I just didn t fit in where I grew up necessarily.
4
SPEAKER_01
And so I had probably the two guys in the band with me and then outside that maybe two, three people that I could consider friends.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s a blessing.
4
SPEAKER_00
I mean, friendship s not about quantity.
4
SPEAKER_00
Have you ever thought about, you ever go to, I do this all the time.
4
SPEAKER_00
I ll go to, if you want to feel better about your life, go on Reddit and go to r slash forever alone.
4
SPEAKER_00
You ever do that?
4
SPEAKER_00
I don t know if I ve been on that one, no.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s, I mean, it s macabre, but you go on there and you re like, oh shit, it s sick having three friends.
4
SPEAKER_00
Some people have no, some people have no friends, like literally zero.
4
SPEAKER_01
That s a great point.
4
SPEAKER_01
You need to be grateful for what you have, no matter what it is.
4
SPEAKER_00
What do you do now?
4
SPEAKER_01
Right now I m like a server, bartender, cook, kind of the work.
4
SPEAKER_00
Are you still playing music?
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
I do a lot of my own like, like on the side kind of music production where I make my own songs and put them out under a certain name.
4
SPEAKER_00
I have to ask, are you withholding that?
4
SPEAKER_00
And you don t have to tell me anything you don t want to, but are you withholding the name of the band because it s a prominent band?
4
SPEAKER_00
Like would people know what the band is?
4
SPEAKER_01
At least in the area?
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
We were, we played around quite a bit.
4
SPEAKER_01
Like, uh,
4
SPEAKER_01
I don t know, just all in the area that we did play, we played a lot.
4
SPEAKER_01
And so people kind of knew us as that band.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I m not trying to dox myself as well.
4
SPEAKER_01
I just, especially with like, when it comes to my own music I put out today, it s not really about trying to get big or trying to really make money off of it or get people to know my name.
4
SPEAKER_01
It s more so I just really enjoy the creative aspect of it, the emotional release.
4
SPEAKER_01
Aspect of it just kind of getting those feelings out through a different medium of art And it s something that s just like really personal to me, but not in a way that I don t want people to hear it But you know, there s a time and a place and I just don t think I m ready for Like a large following.
4
SPEAKER_01
I feel like I need to get some more Emotional and mental shit on lock before I start to get a following on anything.
4
SPEAKER_01
I
4
SPEAKER_00
That s a very emotionally intelligent move because you could just be completely hungry for money and fame and have it destroy your general life sense of well-being.
4
SPEAKER_00
It could.
4
SPEAKER_00
How s your general life sense of well-being?
4
SPEAKER_01
I think it s pretty good.
4
SPEAKER_01
I mean,
4
SPEAKER_01
Like, define that question.
4
SPEAKER_01
Maybe I m not understanding that one.
4
SPEAKER_00
How you doing?
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, I m doing good, man.
4
SPEAKER_01
I got out of a relationship pretty recently, and that was a weight off the chest, to say the least, you know, when two people just aren t made for each other and you choose to stay together.
4
SPEAKER_01
It goes downhill.
4
SPEAKER_01
And so I got myself out of that situation and moved, moved away from that, that area.
4
SPEAKER_01
because I did move away from my home for a little bit, but now I m back in that area somewhat and I m living life, having a good time doing it.
4
SPEAKER_00
Do you still play with your friends that you played with in elementary school?
4
SPEAKER_01
No, I really wish we did, but we ve just kind of gone our separate ways since then.
4
SPEAKER_01
I think about, I want to say probably like three years ago, we stopped playing just because
4
SPEAKER_01
distance issues and whatnot.
4
SPEAKER_00
Are they still playing music?
4
SPEAKER_01
As far as I know, one of them is.
4
SPEAKER_01
He also puts out music kind of on his own, just as for the same reason that I do.
4
SPEAKER_01
And then the other one, I don t think he plays music as much anymore.
4
SPEAKER_01
His job is pretty demanding for what he does.
4
SPEAKER_01
So he just doesn t have the time.
4
SPEAKER_00
Do you have, well, okay, so in high school and college, you said you didn t have that many friends aside from your bandmates, but do you feel like you have friends now?
4
SPEAKER_01
Sort of, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
There s a, it s funny that, you know, a couple of those people from back then, those are the same people that I still consider friends.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I think to this day, I still have a little bit of a hard time just getting out there and making friends, meeting new people or just
4
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
4
SPEAKER_01
I do find comfort in being by myself at this point in life.
4
SPEAKER_01
And I mean, I m not even that old, of course, but I don t know.
4
SPEAKER_01
I definitely restore that, that social battery when I m by myself, you know, I m around too many people for too long.
4
SPEAKER_01
I just get really worn out, I guess.
4
SPEAKER_01
So I don t really try to meet new people anymore.
4
SPEAKER_01
Hmm.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it s difficult.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s difficult.
4
SPEAKER_00
That s one of the cool things.
4
SPEAKER_00
I mean, that s one of the cool things I feel like about having a hobby like music where, you know, like we were talking about, your work can also be a social thing.
4
SPEAKER_00
I don t know if you gig anymore, but.
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, I wish.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
You ever thought about doing that?
4
SPEAKER_01
I have.
4
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_01
I ve considered it thinking like,
4
SPEAKER_01
I just need to get a certain amount of songs and I could just go do some opening shows for some people or something like that.
4
SPEAKER_01
And that would be really fun.
4
SPEAKER_01
Or even just an open mic or something, shit, I don t even need a full set.
4
SPEAKER_00
What do you make music about these days?
4
SPEAKER_01
I try to write music about whatever I m kind of feeling in the moment.
4
SPEAKER_01
You know, I ve got some music that is, you know, really happy.
4
SPEAKER_01
Summer vibes kind of like put you in the mood to have a good time, be on the beach and shit.
4
SPEAKER_01
And then I got some stuff that just gives you the stank face, like some underground rap and just kind of like some bars, you know?
4
SPEAKER_01
So it s really a big variety of types of music that I write about.
4
SPEAKER_00
What do you rap about?
4
SPEAKER_01
Oh, man, my first song that I ever put out was a rap song, and I refused to put it out on like real platforms.
5
SPEAKER_01
anymore but just because it was a it was a mean song it was a rat like I got in a in a relationship at a young age and thought that this would be a good expression of that and like Taylor Swift vibes no no hate oh you did you did a diss rap against the ex I did it was it was really mean and immature of me
5
SPEAKER_01
And so at that point, I was writing about like, it was like a journal that I was putting out into the world with a beat.
5
SPEAKER_01
But then after that, I just started writing about like, I don t know, just happy shit, feeling good, looking at the sun.
5
SPEAKER_00
That s nice of you.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s nice of you to look back on it and go like, you know, it s nice of you to look back on it and go like, ah, that was kind of, you know, maybe I shouldn t have written such a hostile song about that person.
5
SPEAKER_00
Because when you think about Taylor Swift and Olivia Rodrigo, they don t do that at all.
5
SPEAKER_00
They re like, fuck this guy, and I want literally one billion people to know it.
5
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I don t know.
5
SPEAKER_01
I just can t feel that.
5
SPEAKER_01
I don t like putting people in the spotlight, because I know I don t like being in the spotlight as much.
5
SPEAKER_00
Sure, sure, sure.
5
SPEAKER_01
As weird as that is coming from being on a stage and whatnot.
5
SPEAKER_00
Hmm, what s next for you?
5
SPEAKER_00
What s your name again?
5
SPEAKER_00
Nick?
5
SPEAKER_01
My name s Nick, yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
I don t know what s next, man.
5
SPEAKER_01
I ve just been enjoying life being independent, trying to gain that independence back and find myself again.
5
SPEAKER_01
You know, just trying to only be better than the person that I was yesterday.
5
SPEAKER_01
If I can do that, I m having a pretty good day.
5
SPEAKER_00
I like that.
5
SPEAKER_00
Can I, before we go, do you have any bars that you could spit for us?
5
SPEAKER_01
No.
5
SPEAKER_01
It s one of those, uh, I m very shitty at freestyle, too, and that s one of those, one of those things I really want to get better at, because in a time like this, how cool would that be if I just spit some shit and you re like, okay.
5
SPEAKER_00
I, you know, I, I, I kind of, I kind of knew before I asked you that it would, it would be a no from you, but I did have to try.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
You got it.
5
SPEAKER_00
You got that feeling.
5
SPEAKER_01
But yeah, one of these days you re gonna, you re gonna know the name someday and then I ll hit you up and say, Hey, you remember that time that
5
SPEAKER_01
You had the call with the dude named Nick.
5
SPEAKER_01
And then you re going to say, yeah, of course I remember that exact Nick.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I would love to get a voice message for, I would love to get a voice memo from you in the DMS being like, Hey man, I ve come to redeem myself.
5
SPEAKER_00
And then you just send me like a minute of, of fantastic freestyle rap.
5
SPEAKER_01
Oh, I would 100% do that.
5
SPEAKER_01
I ll get to that point, send it to you.
5
SPEAKER_01
You can put it on whatever the heck you want, or just be for you and me either way.
5
SPEAKER_01
That d make me happy.
5
SPEAKER_00
Nick, is there anything else you want to say to the people at the computer before we go?
5
SPEAKER_01
Oh, man.
5
SPEAKER_01
Fuck the computer, but I love the people, man.
5
SPEAKER_00
Take care, dude.
5
SPEAKER_01
Take care.
5
SPEAKER_01
I love you, Geck.
5
SPEAKER_00
Nick, Nick, Nick.
5
SPEAKER_00
I liked what he ended with.
5
SPEAKER_00
Fuck the computer.
5
SPEAKER_00
I don t like the computer.
5
SPEAKER_00
I don t like being on the computer.
5
SPEAKER_00
I know I m on the computer right now.
5
SPEAKER_00
but I was thinking about that like you know it must have been so fun being like like a music rock and roll touring person back in the 80s or something like that where you didn t there was no
5
SPEAKER_00
Instagram, posting, whatever the fuck thing.
5
SPEAKER_00
I mean these tools, they re double-edged swords because on one hand the computer has enabled lots of people to pursue things they wouldn t be able to pursue otherwise.
5
SPEAKER_00
Such as being a therapy gecko.
5
SPEAKER_00
But the other hand, oh my god, why am I scrolling through Facebook at 3 p.m.?
5
SPEAKER_00
I need to go look at some trees.
5
SPEAKER_00
Hey guys, it s Lyle here.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m about to do some ad reads, but if you re a premium member of the podcast, you will not hear them.
5
SPEAKER_00
Premium members, or Gek Legends, as I like to call them, get access to every episode of this podcast ad-free.
5
SPEAKER_00
They also get bonus episodes, recordings for my live shows, members-only streams, and they support my ability to keep doing this show for a long time,
5
SPEAKER_00
do it in cooler, more interesting places, and also eat food, which is important.
5
SPEAKER_00
If any of that sounds cool to you, you can go to therapygecko.supercast.com to become a GECK legend, or find the link in the episode description.
5
SPEAKER_00
Alright, let s do some ads.
5
SPEAKER_01
Hello?
5
SPEAKER_01
Hey, how s it going?
5
SPEAKER_00
I m hanging in there.
5
SPEAKER_00
What s your name?
5
SPEAKER_00
Nick what s happening Nick?
5
SPEAKER_00
What?
5
SPEAKER_00
Let s see your caller ID I don t usually read caller ID, but I mean it says it says that you re a landscaping company you called me from the big dog concrete and landscaping company phone line and
5
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, I got a new number recently and the caller ID hasn t changed.
5
SPEAKER_03
So everyone sees I m actually Big Dog Nick now.
5
SPEAKER_00
Wait, so you re not, you don t own a landscaping company?
5
SPEAKER_03
No, no, I don t.
5
SPEAKER_03
That s just the name that came with my caller ID.
5
SPEAKER_03
I don t know why it hasn t changed over.
5
SPEAKER_03
I got the number through Mint Mobile like months ago.
5
SPEAKER_03
It just still shows it for some reason.
5
SPEAKER_00
Well, that s cool.
5
SPEAKER_00
You got a new phone number and a landscaping company.
5
SPEAKER_02
That s a good ad for Mint Mobile.
5
SPEAKER_00
Well, what s up, Nick?
5
SPEAKER_00
Is there anything in particular you wanted to talk about today?
5
SPEAKER_03
Not too much.
5
SPEAKER_03
I m taking a new medicine today.
5
SPEAKER_03
So I m like, strange today.
5
SPEAKER_03
I m getting a new perspective.
5
SPEAKER_03
I m starting school back again.
5
SPEAKER_00
Uh, what do you do in school?
5
SPEAKER_03
Uh, I did never finish high school.
5
SPEAKER_03
I ended up dropping out when I was, uh, 17, I think, because I grew up in a bad household and it s been years and I m finally getting back to it.
5
SPEAKER_00
You re doing like a GED?
5
SPEAKER_03
No, I m doing a high school, uh, credit recovery.
5
SPEAKER_03
Cause I learned I only had three credits left when I left, uh, cause it was during COVID.
5
SPEAKER_03
So I didn t know if they pushed me through the classes, which it turned out they did.
5
SPEAKER_03
or I was gonna graduate early, but knowing that, all I did, we were online, so we were doing it through the computer, and I just stopped showing up during them, and I moved, and then one of my family members went and dropped off the computer.
5
SPEAKER_00
So you re kind of pulling a Billy Madison.
5
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, yeah, a little bit.
5
SPEAKER_00
Do you go to a high school, and you re like with a bunch of high school kids, or is it like you re with a bunch of other adults who are doing the same program?
5
SPEAKER_03
No, it s adult ed, it s online.
5
SPEAKER_03
So I m at home with a computer that they issue out basically.
5
SPEAKER_00
Do you get to play games on the computer or is it just school?
5
SPEAKER_02
Just school.
5
SPEAKER_02
But I have my own computer for that anyway.
5
SPEAKER_00
How old are you now?
5
SPEAKER_02
I m 21.
5
SPEAKER_00
Okay, nice.
5
SPEAKER_00
What do you do sort of around that?
5
SPEAKER_00
Do you have anything else going on?
5
SPEAKER_03
Um, I make art and stuff, but, um, like I said, I took a new medicine today, so I just haven t been motivated to do anything.
5
SPEAKER_03
So I ve been trying to get back into that cause I do digital art.
5
SPEAKER_03
I do a little bit of mixed media and, um, I have a violin.
5
SPEAKER_03
I played it for years, but I just haven t felt like picking it up and actually playing music again.
5
SPEAKER_00
Have you made any friends in these high school classes?
5
SPEAKER_03
Not yet.
5
SPEAKER_03
Not yet.
5
SPEAKER_00
What do you hope to do after you re done with these classes?
5
SPEAKER_03
Well, I m hoping to go to art school or go to school for something that can be useful.
5
SPEAKER_03
I haven t thought about college too much.
5
SPEAKER_03
I know I have a couple of friends that went to art school and a lot of people have mixed views on it.
5
SPEAKER_03
If it s something that you can use afterwards, but it s just something I enjoy doing.
5
SPEAKER_00
Well, I don t know how much you ve listened to me talk on here, but would you take out debt to go there?
5
SPEAKER_03
Well, with the student aid we have, I only grew up with one parent and they d cover a lot of it, but I d feel bad, I d say, if I used my one chance to go with
5
SPEAKER_03
relatively less debt on something like Art College.
5
SPEAKER_03
So it s been weighing on me a little bit.
5
SPEAKER_00
How much debt is relatively less debt?
5
SPEAKER_00
This is not a financial podcast, but I do enjoy having these conversations.
5
SPEAKER_00
How much debt is not a lot of debt?
5
SPEAKER_03
I d say $5,000 under.
5
SPEAKER_03
I know I could get that in
6
SPEAKER_02
about like a small short range.
6
SPEAKER_02
But if it s way, way up there, then it d be too much.
6
SPEAKER_02
I don t like, probably less than 10,000 actually.
6
SPEAKER_02
If it was like the price of a used car, maybe.
6
SPEAKER_01
All right, so it would be about 10,000, like for all four years, $10,000?
6
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, or for like two years, bachelors or associates, whichever I end up doing.
6
SPEAKER_01
Okay, I mean, that s not terrible.
6
SPEAKER_01
What s your ultimate goal with art?
6
SPEAKER_02
Um... Well, I thought about doing graphic design some, and then I thought about doing animation, and I ve also thought about doing, like, character design.
6
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
6
SPEAKER_01
I mean, I m... I m severe... I m very anti-college when it comes to things where you don t need to go to school for them.
6
SPEAKER_01
If you... If they re paying off, like, 100% of your college and you could get a scholarship, then I think that would be sick.
6
SPEAKER_01
But with $10,000, I mean...
6
SPEAKER_01
You can get the full Adobe suite.
6
SPEAKER_01
You can go to, I think it s, I want to say it s Lydia.com or something like that, where you can go get all these very comprehensive Adobe tutorials.
6
SPEAKER_01
You don t even need to buy a class or anything because everything you would ever need to know about how to use those programs is on YouTube.
6
SPEAKER_01
And then,
6
SPEAKER_01
on the way to that you can create a digital portfolio on the internet and then through that start getting you know commissions for work and whatnot so i just when it comes to these things i m i m a big proponent of trying to do it on your own as opposed to institutionally everyone is different and you know look i didn t go to art school
6
SPEAKER_01
I didn t, uh, you know, do any of these things.
6
SPEAKER_01
I ve only done, you know, what I do.
6
SPEAKER_01
So I don t have the full scope of it.
6
SPEAKER_01
But just when, when I think about taking out like $10,000 in debt, I m like, Oh my God, there s so many things that you can do with that money.
6
SPEAKER_01
And the thing about college is that it s just, it s appealing because it s like what everyone does.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_01
Uh, and it s a very like classic next step, but the universe has changed so much.
6
SPEAKER_02
Drastically.
6
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_02
That s, that s what stopped me from getting back to school and stuff.
6
SPEAKER_02
So I m like, I feel the same way.
6
SPEAKER_02
Kind of.
6
SPEAKER_02
I m like, I, it s something I d like to do, but at the same time, I m like, I could probably get a degree where like something, uh, I forget what it s called.
6
SPEAKER_02
It s, um, it was some type of technician I was thinking about in like medical.
6
SPEAKER_02
I m like, I can try that.
6
SPEAKER_02
But art, that s what I ve been doing lately.
6
SPEAKER_02
I m mostly self-taught.
6
SPEAKER_02
I ve learned most of what I ve known through other animators on YouTube and stuff, or other people on Twitch who do art and stuff.
6
SPEAKER_01
right so i don t know it s your life i don t want to tell you what to do but i think i think today it s probably the best idea to to learn that stuff on the internet and then i mean well a medical technician that s different because if you want to ever do that you have to go to school which is good
6
SPEAKER_01
You know, I m a big I ve always said this.
6
SPEAKER_01
I I think you can learn anything on YouTube.
6
SPEAKER_01
I would definitely hire an artist Who learned how to make really good art on YouTube?
6
SPEAKER_01
I don t know yet if I would hire the YouTube doctor I m sure you could probably you probably could Learn how to do heart surgery on YouTube.
6
SPEAKER_01
I don t know right now one day
6
SPEAKER_01
Information will be so free and accessible that you will be able to learn how to do heart surgery on YouTube But for now I prefer if I were doing if I were going under for heart surgery that my heart surgeon have gone to an accredited University so you know good good good for you I m glad to hear that you got out of whatever shitty thing was going on in your childhood And you re trying to you know improve your life.
6
SPEAKER_01
That s a that s a wonderful thing.
6
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
6
SPEAKER_02
Thank you It s taken a lot to get to the point where I am thankful for the opportunities.
6
SPEAKER_02
I ve come across and
6
SPEAKER_01
Is there anything else you wanted to say or talk about before we go?
6
SPEAKER_02
Uh, I appreciate you making your podcast.
6
SPEAKER_02
I ve watched it for like a couple, like two years now, I think, and it s got me through some tough times last year.
6
SPEAKER_01
Hell yeah.
6
SPEAKER_01
Thank you, Nick.
6
SPEAKER_01
I m glad.
6
SPEAKER_01
I m always wondering if anyone s listening to this fucking thing, so I appreciate it.
6
SPEAKER_01
And, um, I ll talk to you again, maybe never, but it was good talking to you in this one particular moment.
6
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, it s good talking to you too.
6
SPEAKER_02
Have a great rest of your day, Gex.
6
SPEAKER_01
You too, Nick.
6
SPEAKER_02
Thank you.
6
SPEAKER_02
Bye-bye.
6
SPEAKER_01
Hello, folks.
6
SPEAKER_01
It s Lyle here.
6
SPEAKER_01
That s the end of this episode.
6
SPEAKER_01
But get this.
6
SPEAKER_01
I m releasing a bonus episode this week.
6
SPEAKER_01
That s right.
6
SPEAKER_01
A bonus episode, an entire extra hour of the podcast that you can listen to by becoming a premium member of Therapy Gecko over at therapygecko.supercast.com.
6
SPEAKER_01
Supercast subscribers get access to bonus episodes, they get a completely ad-free podcast feed of the regular show, they get recordings from my live shows, members-only streams, access to the exclusive GekLegends Discord, and they help support my ability to continue doing this podcast.
6
SPEAKER_01
So, here s a clip from this week s members-only bonus episode.
6
SPEAKER_00
I ve been having an issue lately.
6
SPEAKER_00
I started a new job this year and the problem I m having is I m meeting a lot of new people and I kind of know that I m not going to like really hang out with these people beyond the work life.
6
SPEAKER_00
And so I don t really know how to talk to them.
6
SPEAKER_00
I m having a hard time like socializing properly.
6
SPEAKER_00
I think I think people think maybe I m like weird or too focused on work because I don t really know what else to start up conversations about.
6
SPEAKER_01
Do you feel like your curiosity and other people has like, uh, waned as you ve gotten older?
6
SPEAKER_00
It has waned pretty far, yeah.
6
SPEAKER_01
If you want to hear this full conversation, you can sign up to become a premium member at therapygecko.supercast.com or find the link in the episode description.
6
SPEAKER_01
That s therapygecko.supercast.com.
6
SPEAKER_01
Alright, I have nothing else to say.
6
SPEAKER_02
He goes on the line, taking your phone calls every night.
6
SPEAKER_02
Therapy kit goes to his right.
6
SPEAKER_02
He s teaching you how to live your life.
6
SPEAKER_02
But he s not really an expert.