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My name is Lee Hawkins.
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I ve been a journalist for over 25 years.
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On my new podcast, What Happened in Alabama, I get answers to some of the hardest questions about how things came to be for many black Americans and the truth that must come before any reconciliation can happen.
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I investigate my family history, my upbringing in Minnesota, and my father s painful nightmares about growing up in Alabama.
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What Happened in Alabama is a new series confronting the cycles of trauma for myself, my family, and for many Black Americans.
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Listen now.
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Hey listeners, if you don t hear me in your feed next week,
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Relax.
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We re taking a quick break and we ll be back in three weeks with more episodes of your favorite podcast.
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Take some deep breaths.
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Go outside.
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If you miss me, maybe listen to some old episodes.
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Don t Ask Tig will return April 20th.
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But if you just can t wait for more, why not come check out my live show in the meanwhile?
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In case you haven t heard, my show is called Hello Again.
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Tickets are at TigNotaro.com.
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Let s get to the show.
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Yeah, I had a, I really did like,
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How is the construction going?
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I d like to point out to the listeners, I don t know how this is being covered up.
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I have no way of knowing if this can be covered up.
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But just before I got on, it was explained to me that on either side of Tig s house, where she s recording her podcast, they re doing construction.
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And
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Both houses.
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Both houses.
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Ground up, rebuilt.
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Rebuilt.
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And so mostly it s been okay.
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I mean, I can hear people working, but just right now about nine power saws went off and it really does sound like someone s building a jet airplane in the same room where you re doing the podcast.
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And it s ridiculous.
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This is Don t Ask Tig, I m Tig Notaro.
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And to quote my next guest, all I ask is please don t be cynical if you work really hard and you re kind, amazing things will happen.
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The person who spoke those words is a host, podcaster, and producer.
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You know and love him from Late Night with Conan O Brien, The Tonight Show with Conan O Brien, and TBS s Conan.
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My dear old pal, Conan O Brien, welcome to Don t Ask Tig.
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Thank you for having me, Tig.
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I do appreciate that.
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And that was sweet that you quoted me.
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I was out of my mind when I said that.
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I didn t mean any of it.
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I don t know what I was thinking, and I take it back.
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Okay.
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All right.
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Well, what should I have said when I was starting the show?
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Yeah, something like, as my next guest said famously, I m the strongest man alive.
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I can take anyone in this bar.
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You know, just some kind of braggadocio.
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That would have been, I think, more fun for me.
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Okay.
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My apologies right out of the gate for the terrible beginning of this episode.
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Well, there s nothing we can do now.
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We just have to live with it.
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Yeah, we don t have post production on this show.
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So God, no, me neither.
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I m constantly terrible things happen on my podcast, and we just let it roll.
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They could easily be fixed for as little as like $45.
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And I refuse to spend that money.
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So well, you don t have that kind of cash.
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Who has that just lying around?
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You know,
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Hmm.
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I know a few people.
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Probably.
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Yeah.
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Well, you re friends with a lot of like big financiers.
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I am.
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I know you travel in those circles.
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Yeah.
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Those are my good friends.
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We connect.
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It s never about the business.
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It s just, it s fully like, I get you, you get me.
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Yeah.
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Red Tang.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Those are your friends.
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That s the crowd you roll with.
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And I m happy for you.
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I m happy that you found your people.
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Thank you.
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Yeah.
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And I ll go ahead.
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Were you going to interview me on my podcast?
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No, I just always like to have my sentences run on sort of like a William Faulkner.
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The sentence just goes on and on and on.
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And you never quite know when it s over.
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I was gonna say a nice thing, which is, I always have fun whenever we do anything together.
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So I ve been looking forward to doing this podcast.
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Have you really?
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I have, actually.
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You re someone who you ve got such an interesting mind.
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I never know where it s going to go.
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And so, yes, this is a bright spot in my day.
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Oh, good.
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Oh, good.
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Well, that the feeling is mutual.
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And I had so much fun doing your podcast.
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And I mean,
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Are you still enjoying doing that?
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I do.
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Yeah, I really do.
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I think one of the keys to this thing, and I think it s helped me on the TV shows, plural, I guess, throughout the years is I do like talking to people.
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And so if you were with me and we were walking around, yes, I d be chatting people up left and right.
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I do like to talk.
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I think it just it s I had a grandfather like that who just would talk
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with anybody and could talk with anybody for hours.
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And so I genuinely do enjoy doing the podcast because I m usually talking to someone that, yeah, I wanna find out what makes this person tick.
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So just blowing down the street, you enjoy just talking to anyone and everyone.
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You re like my son, Finn.
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He s a talker.
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How old is Finn now?
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Well, he and his brother, they ll be six in June.
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Right, so I m a lot like Finn in that I have very little control over my emotions.
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I have a very primitive sense of the world around me.
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Now, Conan.
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That s me, yes.
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You probably do remember, because it was probably one of the biggest highlights for you, but your podcast, Conan O Brien Needs a Friend, beat Don t Ask Tig in the Ambie Awards for best comedy podcast.
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Yeah.
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You ve never let me live that down.
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No, and every time I see you, not a lot of people carry the Ambie Award around, but I had it made into a necklace, which is awkward because it s heavy.
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And I like to- Well, you re the strongest guy in the room, remember?
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Exactly, exactly, and I ve got thick neck muscles.
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Yes.
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But I love nothing more, I know exactly where you live, Tig, I love nothing more than walking by your house, wearing my Ambie Award around my neck, and I look like this sort of futuristic Mr. T,
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It s painful and it s rude.
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And to be honest, I don t even know what an ambi looks like.
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Well, I do.
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Yeah, I know you do.
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What does it look like?
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Because nobody fell for this story about you walking around with an ambi around your neck.
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What does an ambie look like?
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It s made of lucite and it s- Are you looking at it right now?
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I have a whole bunch of them right here.
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No, I don t know where it is.
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That s it, that s right.
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I don t know where it is.
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It s a large lucite ambien.
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It s just an ambien.
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That s why they call it the ambie, is because our podcasts are there to put people gently to sleep.
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How dare you?
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Yeah.
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Now, Conan, because this is an advice show, I just wanna ask you, who do you go to for advice?
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Well, my wife is very smart.
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She s a good partner.
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You know, people always make that joke, this is my better half.
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I really do feel that way.
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I feel like I married up.
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My wife, Liza, is very smart.
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She s got a really good sense of humor.
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She tolerates my foolishness up to a point and then says, all right, let s knock that off.
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We ve got stuff to do.
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She s the first person I go to.
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She gives really good advice.
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And I also have,
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a bunch of people that you would know just in my professional life.
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And for anything tech related, I go to my son, who is a tech whiz, and absolutely horrified that I m allowed to have an iPhone or a computer because I can t turn them on.
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I m a Luddite.
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I don t know how these things work.
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So I go to different people for different advice, but I would say primarily my wife and a couple of the people that you know.
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All right, well, are you ready, Conan?
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I feel like we re all warmed up and ready to help the people out there in the world that really need our help.
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I give great advice, and everyone should do exactly what I tell them to do today.
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Let s do it.
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This first question concerns parenting.
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Ann writes, my son celebrated his sixth birthday.
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His grandmother offered to put on a magic show to entertain the party goers.
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Most of the kids were engaged, but one little boy just repeated the refrain, she cheats, she cheats, continually throughout the performance and would not be shushed.
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This was distracting for everyone.
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Tig, as the mother of young boys yourself, what would you consider to be the best way to handle such a situation?
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Well, first of all, she s talking about the magician, right?
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The grandmother.
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She was doing the magic show.
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Yeah.
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And I think that the grandmother is the performer.
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Yeah.
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As you know, Tig, it s the performer s job to shut down the heckler.
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You know how I shut him down?
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How?
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I say, I m sorry you feel that way.
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That s great.
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And it truly shuts it down.
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Shuts it down.
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I don t fight fire with fire.
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I just say, I m sorry that you feel that way.
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And then I move on.
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How do you deal with a heckler?
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First of all, I ve never been heckled.
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That s impossible.
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It s never happened.
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I ve seen your shows.
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Nice, nice, but it s never, no one s ever, and I actually am known in the business as the comic who s never been heckled.
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Heckless?
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Heckless.
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I m heckless.
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It sounds like a Greek hero.
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I am heckless.
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I have never been heckled.
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You know, I ll go after a heckler, I ll shame them.
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But I think in this situation, this grandmother, she s the performer.
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It was her job to say to this six, was it a six-year-old?
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Yeah.
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It was her job to say, really go after this kid savagely, shut this kid down and do whatever it takes, humiliate the child, or maybe put the child in a box and make the child disappear, you know?
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Ooh.
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There s a lot of ways to deal with that, but it s really on the grandmother.
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It s the performer s job to handle the heckler.
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And I don t care if they re six or 60,
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I like this a lot.
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I think it s worth it, you know?
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I do.
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Even if it ruins the vibe of an innocent birthday party, it could have just been a moment where it s remembered.
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You know when something terrible happens and unexpected or troubling, and then it just feels like a nightmare.
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It could turn into a funny, like, remember when that happened when grandma was being heckled?
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But no.
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No, don t do that.
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No.
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Don t do that.
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The child should pay.
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The child needs to learn that when the performer s on stage, the performer has the stage.
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And I know people think that scarring a child psychologically is a bad thing.
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I don t see it that- Who thinks that?
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Who thinks that?
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It s this fringe movement.
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So I routinely, when I was raising my children, would try to frighten them in the morning wearing scary masks.
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And I did a lot of- Is this every morning?
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It was every morning, not on, you know what, I wouldn t do Sunday, because I thought that was the Lord s day.
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But I would rush in a lot six days a week early and wake them up wearing a scary mask and say the house is on fire.
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I m not your real father, all that kind of stuff.
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And they ve turned out great.
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But yeah, that s that s my answer for that little tidbit is granny should have shut that stuff down.
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Shut that kid down.
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And thanks for writing in.
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I hope that s helpful.
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I have a feeling it s not, but Conan, it s time for a break and then we ll be back with more questions.
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Okay.
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And we re back.
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Conan, some of the most beloved moments of your TV show came from interactions with your office employees.
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Yes.
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So maybe that ll come in handy for this next question.
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Sarah writes, a co-worker is very good at taking innocuous things and making them toxic.
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For example, she reported someone to HR for finding her address online and sending a thank you card to her home.
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I cannot avoid this person at work.
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How would you deal with having to work with someone who takes seemingly normal actions and turns them into workplace misery regularly?
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That is so, I mean, beyond somebody who s not a team player.
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I m just hearing it and I m thinking,
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I would have a field day with this person because my strategy, and I think yours as well, would be you double down.
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So if I did that and I was the person who wrote the note, or if she complained to me and said, I can t believe this person wrote me a thank you card and sent it to my address, that felt like such a violation, I think I would then write a note to her saying, I m so sorry that that happened.
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That s terrible.
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That should never happen again.
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And I would mail that letter to her address.
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Then the next day I would write another letter saying, still thinking about this.
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And I want you to know I m on the case.
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I m going to swing by.
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I have a gift for you.
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I m coming by, I have a gift, and I m bringing some friends because they are outraged that your privacy was violated that way.
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Yeah, that is my feeling is you have to double down on that because that s the only way to exercise this demon.
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Yeah, if you get reported to HR for that, I mean, are you really going to get in trouble?
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I don t know.
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I am a stand-up comedian, so I don t really know about HR.
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I think you d get, in the corporate world, my guess is you would get a talking to.
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If someone reports something to HR, then HR has to go to you, to that person, and have a talk with them.
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Because it all has to be recorded.
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There s a lot of corporate ass covering.
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So there would have to be a piece of paper that says, yes, I went and I talked to Melissa,
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and told her you really can t write any more notes to people s private addresses as crazy as that is even though it was a nice thing to do so yeah that s what would happen
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This person is definitely, she s not operating from what would be considered a normal brain.
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Like she is truly looking to wreck situations and it feels like you have to just steer clear.
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Because I feel like these people, there will always be a landmine that you will step into.
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Yes, that s what I was thinking as you were saying, well, just steer clear of them and only have a work relationship
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But if they re complaining about a thank you note sent to a personal address that s available online.
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I mean, couldn t she also report her for reporting her to H.R.
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for sending a thank you?
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I mean, or if her behavior in the workplace is bothersome or or weird, I would report her to H.R.
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Well, that s what I would do is I would, I know not everybody has this resource, but because I work in this business and everything, I would hire an actor or I d hire a comic actor like an Andy Daly.
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People have local theater, you know, I can hire someone from their local community.
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I would hire a local actor and I would bring that actor in wearing a blue blazer and a tie.
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And I would say, this is my HR person.
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And so I m reporting you to my HR person and play a whole mind game that way.
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And I would love the idea of having my own personal HR person.
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And then I would say that the HR person at work has to now report to my HR person and talk to them.
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And it would be so much fun.
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Would that be fun?
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Yeah, it reminds me of this friend of mine.
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When she first moved to Los Angeles, she was a PA, and she didn t like doing her job at all.
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So she hired her own PA to do her PA work.
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Right.
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I have an assistant, Sona, who s pretty well-known, because she s on my podcast, and we ve shot a lot of videos together, and I love her, and she s great.
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I would sometimes say, hey, Sona, you re not doing the stuff that I asked you to do.
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And she said, yeah, I know what to do.
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And she hired an assistant.
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That s the guy that you met, that s David Hopping.
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And she ll be like, yeah, David s got it.
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And I m like, wait a minute, you just hired an assistant who basically, but you re still getting paid too.
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And she s like, that s right, that s right.
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And you re not gonna do anything about it because you think I m the greatest person in the world.
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And I d be like, yeah, you re right.
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Well, now she s a celebrity because she s on your show.
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Yeah, yeah.
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She knows exactly what she s doing and also she knows
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where all the bodies are buried.
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So I m not, there s nothing I can do.
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My hands are tied.
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And now I think David is looking for an assistant.
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So, cause David s gotten very used to, you know, this is a pretty good gig and Conan seems like kind of a soft touch.
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So I know that David is searching for his assistant and it s just never gonna stop.
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It s like those Russian dolls.
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You keep opening them and there s another one inside.
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Yeah, it s gonna be a chain of 45 assistants soon.
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But yeah, I have sympathy for this person writing in Sarah, because I think she s dealing with someone who is unreasonable.
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It s unreasonable.
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It s utterly impossible.
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I ve dealt with people like this in different forms of relationships where no matter what, there is a problem, always a problem.
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Also, you re dealing with someone who doesn t want to be happy.
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So what they re doing is they re setting off fire alarms and they re detonating landmines left and right because they don t want to be happy and there s no pleasing them.
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You can t fill that need hole that they were born with.
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Whatever happened to them as a child, they were probably ridiculed by a cruel magician who lost it on them.
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Well, probably because they were born with a need hole.
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Yeah.
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You know, no kid wants to be at a party with a need hole on display.
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Well, I, as a guy who was also born with a need hole, I can speak to that.
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That s what I should do is start doing PSAs.
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If you were born with a need hole, and then I just lift up my shirt and there s this dark hole that most comedians have that s this bottomless, needy.
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You don t have that big of a need hole because you enjoy weirdness.
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I do.
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No, I don t.
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But I also do have the thing that all of us have, which is, you know, so people thought that was pretty funny.
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They thought, yes, everyone thought it was really good.
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Good job.
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SPEAKER_00
Anyway, can you go outside and and take the recycling out?
1
SPEAKER_00
Uh-huh, but did you hear?
1
SPEAKER_00
Did you see?
1
SPEAKER_00
Did you see, but you saw what I did and did it look pretty, wasn t it pretty funny when they said this and then they said, yeah, you know, if you re a robot made of caramel, wasn t that a pretty funny comeback?
1
SPEAKER_00
Uh-huh, yeah, yeah, it was.
1
SPEAKER_00
If you could just take the recycling out.
1
SPEAKER_02
I do that with Stephanie when she goes to therapy or hangs out with her friends, I m always like, did you say anything nice about me?
1
SPEAKER_02
Or did you say anything mean about me?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I was in a relationship once and I was headed off to see my therapist and the woman I was seeing said, just don t say anything about me.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I was like, oh, fundamentally not understanding the concept of therapy, that yes, your name might come up and maybe it should come up.
1
SPEAKER_00
And maybe if it does come up and I speak honestly about you with someone, it will improve our relationship.
1
SPEAKER_00
But to more or less say you re not allowed to discuss me is problematic.
1
SPEAKER_02
Sarah, that s what Conan and I think, so good luck with everything, but stay away from that person.
1
SPEAKER_02
Just stay away.
1
SPEAKER_00
Or hire an actor, say this is your HR person, and act out the scenario that I have written out for you.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, that s what the part where I just said, that s what we think.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, but if you wanna mention it again, you can.
1
SPEAKER_00
I ll do it one more time.
1
SPEAKER_00
Hire an actor.
1
SPEAKER_02
In a blue blazer.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, and say this is my HR person and then play this thing out as far as you can until you re fired.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, so Sarah, that s what Conan and I think.
1
SPEAKER_02
We re going to take a quick break to answer a question that came in our therapy etiquette inbox.
1
SPEAKER_02
This segment is where we answer those awkward questions we all have as people getting the professional help we need and deserve and is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy.
1
SPEAKER_02
This next question comes from Sue in Chicago, Illinois.
1
SPEAKER_02
Sue writes, I ve just entered my 50s and even though I feel like a late bloomer when it comes to focusing on my mental health, I finally feel ready to address the history of dysfunction in my family.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s caused severely strained relationships with three of my four siblings, I m the second youngest of the four, to the point that we can barely have a phone or text conversation without an argument sparking up.
1
SPEAKER_02
I really want to do my part to heal our relationships so we can be closer and feel more like family, even in our 50s and 60s.
1
SPEAKER_02
I think we all could use some counseling.
1
SPEAKER_02
Do you think I should invite one of my siblings that I think is more open to talking with a counselor so we can start together?
1
SPEAKER_02
Or do I start by myself first?
1
SPEAKER_02
Hi, Sue.
1
SPEAKER_02
A lot of people your age never bloom at all.
1
SPEAKER_02
So the fact that you re even having these thoughts bodes well for you, I d say.
1
SPEAKER_02
It sounds like you re really in tune with how your family dynamics have affected your own mental health.
1
SPEAKER_02
In fact, your own self-work might be a good model for your siblings who share your family background but have processed the past in their own different ways.
1
SPEAKER_02
You know, on the airplane, they always say to put your mask on yourself first before helping somebody else.
1
SPEAKER_02
I feel like it s kind of like that.
1
SPEAKER_02
If you decide to start counseling on your own, you can start sorting out what issues are uniquely your own and which are shared by your siblings.
1
SPEAKER_02
And maybe there s some conversations that are best started one-on-one between you and your counselor so you can organize your thoughts about your family first, you know, with your therapist.
1
SPEAKER_02
And maybe they can make this process more effective, especially if your siblings aren t quite where you are or are hesitant to start family counseling.
1
SPEAKER_02
Also, maybe keep in mind that you can always start family counseling down the line.
1
SPEAKER_02
In the meantime, you can remind your siblings that while your family s issues are unique, all families have issues.
1
SPEAKER_02
Every single family has issues.
1
SPEAKER_02
This could be a conversation you start with your own counselor or with one of your more open siblings, and these conversations will give you insight about where to go from there.
1
SPEAKER_02
Sue, I hope that s been helpful and reassuring.
1
SPEAKER_02
Listeners, I want to hear from you.
1
SPEAKER_02
Send me your therapy etiquette related questions at DontAskTig.org.
1
SPEAKER_02
Thanks to our sponsor, BetterHelp.
1
SPEAKER_02
Now let s get back to my conversation with Conan O Brien.
1
SPEAKER_02
Conan, here s our next question.
1
SPEAKER_02
Margaret writes, What are the elements of a good prank?
1
SPEAKER_02
How do you pick who you re going to prank?
1
SPEAKER_02
What is your favorite prank of all time?
1
SPEAKER_02
Help me prove that it s never too late to create general hysteria that people will talk about for years.
1
SPEAKER_02
Margaret, we are in the middle of a time when there s a lot of general hysteria.
1
SPEAKER_02
So I don t know if that s what everyone s necessarily needing right now.
1
SPEAKER_02
I feel like we have more than enough for
1
SPEAKER_02
Years, but I do love a prank.
1
SPEAKER_02
I love pranking.
1
SPEAKER_02
Believe me.
1
SPEAKER_02
My kids actually just got little buzzers where they shake your hand and it buzzes you and I have to constantly act like I m shocked and then and they ll be like Oh get up and go look at that and I ll get up and go look and then they put a whoopee cushion down.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yep
1
SPEAKER_02
It s just a lot of that at our house right now.
1
SPEAKER_00
I have to say, I don t like a prank.
1
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
Pranks terrify me.
1
SPEAKER_00
Not the kind that you re talking about with your kids, but pranks I think can so easily.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, those are simple.
1
SPEAKER_00
Those are sweet, small, simple pranks.
1
SPEAKER_00
But, you know, I think sometimes I m, you know,
1
SPEAKER_00
Back in the day when I would be involved in pranks as a young man, I was always terrified that I would accidentally break the law or that someone would get killed.
1
SPEAKER_00
I just was very worried about a prank because the really good ones that you hear about like George Clooney is famously always pranking his friends and you know, Brad Pitt will come into his trailer and uh-oh, you know, George Clooney filled it with hogs.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then, ha ha ha, isn t that funny?
1
SPEAKER_00
And I just think, oh, but what if one of the hogs got sunstroke?
1
SPEAKER_00
Because those trailers get pretty hot.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I was arrested for animal cruelty.
1
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_00
My mind always goes to what could go wrong.
1
SPEAKER_02
Did somebody really fill something with hogs?
1
SPEAKER_00
No, I think I made that up.
1
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, no animal cruelty.
1
SPEAKER_02
Don t fill anything with hogs.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, or if you do, make sure that the temperature s set at like 68 and that the hogs are all very well hydrated and that they re not in there for too long.
1
SPEAKER_00
And that once the prank is pulled and Brad Pitt goes, oh man, you got me, immediately get those hogs back into their own pens.
1
SPEAKER_02
Natural habitat.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s their natural habitat.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s their natural hog habitat.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
If you can avoid putting hogs in pens.
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, the pen I was describing is a very, it s a recreation of the, you didn t let me finish, University of Pennsylvania, which is nicknamed Pen.
1
SPEAKER_00
And it s beautiful.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s got a lot of ivy and there s lots of rooms for the pigs to wander and the hogs and to take classes.
1
SPEAKER_00
And there s a good cafeteria.
1
SPEAKER_02
Pig state.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I was in no way insinuating that they put in a hog pen, which I find barbaric.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_00
I don t like pranks.
1
SPEAKER_00
Pranks make me nervous.
1
SPEAKER_00
I think Margaret has the wrong idea.
1
SPEAKER_00
I think, keep it simple.
1
SPEAKER_00
Little buzzers and whoopee cushions.
1
SPEAKER_00
Keep it that simple.
1
SPEAKER_00
Don t get crazy.
1
SPEAKER_02
That would be incredible if Margaret really leaned into the whoopee cushion thing.
1
SPEAKER_00
Right.
1
SPEAKER_02
You know, I feel like she s not a young child.
1
SPEAKER_00
I don t think so.
1
SPEAKER_00
I don t think so.
1
SPEAKER_02
And so that would be so fun.
1
SPEAKER_02
Like if somebody was in an office, your coworker Margaret works with you and she s constantly putting whoopee cushions under your pillow on your chair.
1
SPEAKER_02
I mean, what a delight would that be?
1
SPEAKER_02
If you constantly heard whoopee cushions going off through the cubicles.
1
SPEAKER_00
I have,
1
SPEAKER_00
I have a celebrity story to tell about a celebrity who did just this.
1
SPEAKER_00
Back in the day, as a youngster, I worked on Saturday Night Live and the host one week was Leslie Nielsen from the Naked Gun movies, you know, the white and from the movie Airplane and just this hilarious comic actor.
1
SPEAKER_00
He was the guest.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so I got introduced to him.
1
SPEAKER_00
And when I shook his hand, there was the loud sound of flatulence.
1
SPEAKER_00
And he stared at me in that Leslie Nielsen way of like, oh, did something just happen?
1
SPEAKER_00
And he had a little device that he kept in his pocket that he had made that made the whoopee cushion sound.
1
SPEAKER_00
When you host Saturday Night Live, you get there on Monday and you re there all week.
1
SPEAKER_00
He did it to everybody, and he did it to Lorne Michaels, and he did it to the musical guest, and he kept doing it.
1
SPEAKER_02
Who was the musical guest?
1
SPEAKER_00
I don t remember, but you know, it was the 80s, so Tarrant Trent Darby.
1
SPEAKER_02
Kaja Gugu, Kaja Gugu.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, yeah, Jacques Akan.
1
SPEAKER_00
But it d be like, oh, and Leslie Nielsen, meet Jacques Akan, and blap.
1
SPEAKER_00
And he did that all week long and he kept doing it and doing it and doing it.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then I realized that, oh, that s what he does everywhere.
1
SPEAKER_00
He always has this thing in his pocket.
1
SPEAKER_00
And when he goes to a restaurant, when he goes anywhere, this was his signature move.
1
SPEAKER_00
I love that.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, and so that was proof.
1
SPEAKER_00
At the time, I think Leslie Nielsen was 72 years old or older, and I think he was doing it on his deathbed.
1
SPEAKER_00
I think when the doctors came to check on his vitals and make sure that he was comfortable in his last hour of life, he had that thing under the covers.
1
SPEAKER_02
When I was a kid, my favorite prank was when all the different classes would go into one auditorium to watch a movie or to hear a speaker.
1
SPEAKER_02
I would make no face expression and there would be hundreds of students in there and I would make this noise.
1
SPEAKER_02
And I would just, no face expression.
1
SPEAKER_02
And they d stop the movie, turn the light on and try and figure out who was doing it.
1
SPEAKER_02
And everybody was just sitting there.
1
SPEAKER_02
And even with the light on while the teacher was like, who is making this noise?
1
SPEAKER_02
I would just go.
1
SPEAKER_00
But wait a minute, the kids next to you must have known it was you.
1
SPEAKER_02
They knew it was me, but I always did it, and they thought it was so funny.
1
SPEAKER_02
Good.
1
SPEAKER_02
And so nobody would tell on me, and we would all just sit there and drive the poor woman insane.
1
SPEAKER_02
I had many, many pranks, and that was one of my favorites.
1
SPEAKER_02
But anyway, Margaret, stick to the whoopee cushion.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_02
It would be so incredible to have this woman named Margaret in the office placing whoopee cushions under everyone s
1
SPEAKER_00
Also, I just got some intel that the week that Leslie Nielsen hosted, it was the Cowboy Junkies were the musical guest.
1
SPEAKER_02
Ooh, I love the Cowboy Junkies.
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, I assure you that every member of the Cowboy Junkies will back me up that when they met Leslie Nielsen and shook his hand, they heard an explosive sound of flatulence.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well you know what s interesting is how mellow and quiet the cowboy junkies are.
1
SPEAKER_02
I wonder if you go back and watch that episode if you can hear...
1
SPEAKER_02
flagging us in the background backstage because they re so quiet.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m sure you can.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m sure you can.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
And it probably bleeds through into their performance and it probably rattled them a little bit or enhance the song.
1
SPEAKER_00
You decide.
1
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, Conan, we ve reached the final segment of the show.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s called Best Advice, Worst Advice.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_02
This is a segment where we ask people about memorable advice they ve received.
1
SPEAKER_02
You, however, are also known for giving advice specifically at commencement addresses.
1
SPEAKER_02
In 2000, you told the graduating class at Harvard, don t be afraid to fail.
1
SPEAKER_02
In 2011, you said to Dartmouth grads, though you should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
Do you stand by your advice still?
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh god, no.
1
SPEAKER_00
I just I moved from town to town giving advice and Hoping that no one will ever back up.
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, wait, what did you say?
1
SPEAKER_00
You know, we heard your last advice in the other town.
1
SPEAKER_00
It doesn t quite jive with this advice Hmm
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I would say the one through line in everything I ve tried to tell younger people, which is true, is you have less to lose than you think you do.
1
SPEAKER_00
Because I was always so terrified of being embarrassed or ironically making an ass of myself.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then, you know, if you think about it, like in 1993, when I started in television and took a lot of heat for having a really weird show that in no way looked professional,
1
SPEAKER_00
And following Letterman at his height, what did I have to lose?
1
SPEAKER_00
I was 30, you know, and I tried to tell young people that they shouldn t be afraid to get out there and get dirty.
1
SPEAKER_00
So that s something that I am sincere about.
1
SPEAKER_00
And that is, I think, a through line through any of the speeches I ve given.
1
SPEAKER_00
over the years is I try and let them know that I ve screwed up plenty, I m a ridiculous person, but I m having a good time, and you shouldn t be afraid to try.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I would say that s my advice.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, okay.
1
SPEAKER_02
And what would you say is the worst advice that you ve ever gotten?
1
SPEAKER_00
The worst advice I ve ever gotten?
1
SPEAKER_00
Honestly?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
1
SPEAKER_00
I think with no joking aside, I think when anytime someone s got an idea for how to make a lot of money quickly, that s the thing you get a lot of advice about.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I always steer clear of those people.
1
SPEAKER_00
When I had a chance early on to buy Microsoft stock, I stayed away.
1
SPEAKER_00
Same with Google and same with Facebook.
1
SPEAKER_00
I was suspicious and I lost out on a massive fortune because of it.
1
SPEAKER_00
But I m going to stick with my decisions.
1
SPEAKER_00
Always avoid anyone saying, hey, you could make a lot of money if you invested in this.
1
SPEAKER_02
So even though you ve missed out on loads of cash, you still say... Well, because we don t know really where the Apple stock is going to end up.
1
SPEAKER_00
So right now it looks like across the board I made terrible choices.
1
SPEAKER_00
But let s see in 10, 15 years, you know.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yes, I ve probably missed out on making upwards of $900 million by refusing to take any of this advice.
1
SPEAKER_00
But who knows, maybe in a few years that ll be down to 800 or 700 million that I ve lost out on.
1
SPEAKER_02
Okay, now, since you re giving financial advice, which is what most people tune in to the show for.
1
SPEAKER_00
As they should.
1
SPEAKER_02
What is your feeling about investing in real estate?
1
SPEAKER_00
Well, I think if you re going to buy in a neighborhood, make sure that the houses on either side of you
1
SPEAKER_02
How dare you?
1
SPEAKER_00
Are completed and are new construction.
1
SPEAKER_00
Don t buy a nice house that s on either side of two houses that you know are very quickly going to be torn down and rebuilt.
1
SPEAKER_00
And especially don t do that if you have twins.
1
SPEAKER_00
If you ve got twins who have to live through this noise, that s going to be scarring and upsetting for them.
1
SPEAKER_02
Oh my gosh, my kids are in heaven.
1
SPEAKER_02
They go on tours of these houses that are
2
SPEAKER_01
being rebuilt and they re, you know, always peeking over the fence at the construction.
2
SPEAKER_01
They re in heaven.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m sad to say that the show just came to an end.
2
SPEAKER_01
Not because it naturally does, but because I m gonna cut you off there.
2
SPEAKER_01
And because- Because of what you said.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, because I mock the fact that there s construction on either side of your house at the same time.
2
SPEAKER_01
I mean, it s ridiculous.
2
SPEAKER_01
It is so stupid.
2
SPEAKER_01
And it s stupid because I have two podcasts.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s just ridiculous.
2
SPEAKER_01
But the show s over, Conan.
2
SPEAKER_01
The show is over.
2
SPEAKER_02
Well.
2
SPEAKER_01
Do you wanna promote anything?
2
SPEAKER_02
I have nothing to promote.
2
SPEAKER_02
Look at me.
2
SPEAKER_01
Not even your podcast?
2
SPEAKER_01
Because this, you re gonna see a bump.
2
SPEAKER_01
You re gonna see a bump.
2
SPEAKER_02
Conan O Brien needs a friend wherever you get your podcasts.
2
SPEAKER_02
You know?
2
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_02
You gotta check that out.
2
SPEAKER_02
I ll take you on the ride of your life.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s a great podcast.
2
SPEAKER_01
You re good at what you do, sir.
2
SPEAKER_02
Well, thank you.
2
SPEAKER_02
As are you.
2
SPEAKER_01
Thank you.
2
SPEAKER_02
Goodbye to you, Take.
2
SPEAKER_02
You re a very good person, and I enjoy my time with you very much.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I you.
2
SPEAKER_01
Goodbye.
2
SPEAKER_02
Goodbye.
2
SPEAKER_01
And once again, the next episode drops April 20th.
2
SPEAKER_01
No new episodes for three weeks.
2
SPEAKER_01
Don t ask me again.
2
SPEAKER_01
I ll be on vacation.
2
SPEAKER_01
However, do come see my other show, my live show called Hello Again on tour.
2
SPEAKER_01
Where might you ask?
2
SPEAKER_01
Cities are listed at TigNotaro.com.
2
SPEAKER_01
Get your tickets before they re sold out.
2
SPEAKER_01
Don t Ask Tig is hosted by me, Tig Notaro.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s produced by Thomas Ouellette, Shana Deloria, and Ryan Lohr.
2
SPEAKER_01
Our executive producer and editor is Beth Perlman.
2
SPEAKER_01
Engineering and sound mixing by Johnny Vince Evans and Eric Romani.
2
SPEAKER_01
Digital production by James Napoli.
2
SPEAKER_01
Talent booking by Marianne Ways.
2
SPEAKER_01
Production support from Pizza Shark.
2
SPEAKER_01
Our theme music is Friend and Tig by Edie Burkell and Kyle Krusham, and Listen to Your Heart by Edie Burkell.
2
SPEAKER_01
Special thanks to Hunter Seidman.
2
SPEAKER_01
APM Studios executives in charge are Lily Kim, Alex Shaffert, and Joanne Griffith.
2
SPEAKER_01
Concept developed by Tracy Mumford.
2
SPEAKER_01
Our executive consultant is Dean Capello and Gobsmack Studios.
2
SPEAKER_01
You can always ask for advice at DontAskTig.org.
2
SPEAKER_01
Just write in with your problem or send us a voice memo.
2
SPEAKER_01
Remember to follow us on social media at DontAskTig.
2
SPEAKER_01
DontAskTig is a production of American Public Media.
2
SPEAKER_01
And as always, thanks Dana, and I ll tell Becky.
2
SPEAKER_00
a six billion dollar con.
2
SPEAKER_00
It didn t take long for it to spread like wildfire.
2
SPEAKER_00
You got to take a look at this really crazy gold stock.
2
SPEAKER_00
A buddy of mine got in at a dime.
2
SPEAKER_00
Which destroyed lives and devastated communities.
2
SPEAKER_00
Every little town across the nation, people have shares in this.
2
SPEAKER_00
We lost everything.
2
SPEAKER_00
And to date, no one has been brought to justice.
2
SPEAKER_02
Somebody knows more than we know.
2
SPEAKER_00
The $6 billion gold scam from the BBC World Service and CBC.
2
SPEAKER_00
Search for the $6 billion gold scam wherever you get your podcasts.