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The following podcast is a dear media production.
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She s a lifestyle blogger extraordinaire.
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Fantastic.
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And he s a serial entrepreneur, a very smart cookie.
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And now Lauren Everts and Michael Bostic are bringing you along for the ride.
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Get ready for some major realness.
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Welcome to the skinny confidential him and her.
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First and foremost, just knowing the part of you, knowing that you have that story, knowing that that story is driving you.
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And in the moments when we see ourselves sort of in the extreme parts of that story, for you, it might be like, oh, I missed my kid s ballet class because I was working, or I don t know, I m just making this shit up, but like knowing those areas where we kind of get there.
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And in those moments, being the witness, the nonjudgmental witness of that pattern and that behavior,
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and start extending a little bit of compassion and curiosity to it.
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So there s that pattern again, normalizing it and not giving yourself so much pressure around it.
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Even just something as simple as placing your hand on your heart and your hand on your belly, giving yourself a deep breath, breathing into the feeling of what it is that you re having in that moment, can completely redirect your thoughts and your energy.
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The one, the only Gabby Bernstein is back on The Him and Her Show.
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She did so well the first time she came on.
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You guys loved her.
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She was on episode 227 and a lot has changed.
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We wanted to bring her back on the show to give you guys some real applicable takeaways.
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And I think we did that with this episode.
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It s really open.
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It s raw.
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And it also has so many tips, especially having to do with self-worth.
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Gabby is a motivational speaker, life coach, and author.
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She s also a podcaster, and she is on the Dear Media Network with her podcast, Dear Gabby.
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And her message is simple.
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It s how to live your most spiritual life with day-to-day experiences.
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I personally learned a lot from this episode.
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Gabby is all about managing the self and having a productive mindset.
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On that note, let s welcome Gabby Bernstein back to The Him and Her Show.
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This is the Skinny Confidential, him and her.
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Someone who is listening right now, they feel down in the dumps.
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They can t get out of their own way.
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They feel like everything s against them, and they ve almost leaned into the narrative of negativity.
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What are the tools that you would give them to pull them out of that funk?
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I have a lot of tools.
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I have 10 books of tools.
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I have a coaching membership of tools.
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I have a podcast with you guys of tools.
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And so the first thing I have to say before we go into these tools, like these quick tips and methods, I really do need to acknowledge that whatever patterns we have in our life, those patterns that keep us stuck in that same story over and over again, these are stories that have probably been around for our lifetime.
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forever.
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Do you know those stories for yourself?
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Yes.
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They just keep coming back.
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Sometimes even generational.
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Yes, it s epigenetic.
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If there s trauma in your childhood, it carries on into the cellular functioning of you, right?
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So we have to really recognize that these stories need our attention.
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And I want to start by saying they need sometimes therapeutic support.
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So I want to really go there because we don t want to override those feelings.
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But in order to start to transform them in the early days, even before you re ready to do any deeper work, the first step is to choose, to recognize that you have the power within you to choose a new direction, that with your slightest willingness and the slightest choice, you can start to change your internal belief systems, your energy, and therefore every corner of your life.
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So I d be remiss if I didn t say that there s like earlier, deeper work that you have to do,
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The only reason why I think that we have to start, I feel like, you know, I m a self-help book author.
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I write these books.
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I give quick tips.
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But I really, genuinely, genuinely want to hold close to the belief system that everybody can just carry within that real change happens in a big, big way.
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So here we are.
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We re acknowledging that people have big stuff that s generational.
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experiences from our childhood that create these parts of ourselves that continue to show up and show up and show up.
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And they re belief systems that we carry.
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And so healing those belief systems sometimes can be big work.
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But the beginning stages of healing those belief systems, we manifest what we believe.
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So the beginning stages of healing those belief systems first begins, one, with your desire to change and your desire to start to shift your energy.
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And so even just pressing play and listening to this episode right now and saying, oh, I want to transform my mindset, that was a step in the right direction to start to create that change and create momentum around it.
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And so the first thing I would recognize is that we have to identify those belief systems that we carry that are holding us back.
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So if someone were to wake up tomorrow morning, is there like an exercise that you would have them do?
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Is it like a meditation?
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Is it, you know, a writing exercise?
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Is there something that they can do just to like go in the right direction?
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It sounds like a process, but I feel like a lot of people don t even know where to begin with this.
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Yeah.
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So first step would really be notice the story that you have on repeat.
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That s a good one.
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So what s your story?
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Is it I m not good enough?
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Is it I can t get that to happen?
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Do you guys have a story you would share?
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Like, what s your story that you just keep repeating, repurposing?
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I think that it s interesting to observe how you talk to yourself and to step back and listen to the way you talk to yourself.
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When I was losing 50 pounds after I had a baby, my story was like, this weight is never going to come off.
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This is so annoying.
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I feel fat.
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And then I realized that I was talking to myself like that, and I completely edited it.
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Yeah.
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I was like, we re not going to do this.
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I was like, I m losing weight.
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I m feeling great.
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I m making changes.
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I m I m on a good trajectory.
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That just little change of being aware of the way I spoke to myself changed my whole experience.
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Yeah, it s often asking yourself, am I a fault finder or a solution seeker?
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Yes.
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So when we have these stories on repeat, and they re typically the same story that repeat over and over and over again.
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I m not good enough.
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I have to hustle to make things happen.
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A big story I ve carried for most of my life is if I don t do it, nobody else will.
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And it s something that has infiltrated itself majorly in my career, just overriding myself and doing too much and just trying to take on the burden of everybody else and doing everybody else s work.
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And so that story s over for me.
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I have a clear boundary with that story now.
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And when I notice myself stepping into it, I pause.
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I take a moment.
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I connect to the part of me that feels that way.
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And what have you replaced it with?
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Well, at this stage, I m starting to replace it with I have a boundary and I have an expectation that I want to be in my creative energy.
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And the only way that I can be creative is for people to support me around me.
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And so it s coming back to something positive.
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It s like I want to.
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So in the case of you with the weight, it s like
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Instead of saying, oh, I have to lose the weight and putting some sort of negative connotation behind it.
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I ve got to lose the weight.
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I ve got to feel better.
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This is bad for me.
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Being like, I want to be healthy in my body so I can thrive.
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I want to be healthy in my body so I can run around with my kids, whatever that story is.
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For me, I want everybody stepping the fuck up around me so I can be as creative as I could possibly be.
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That s really interesting because sometimes the story that you have in your narrative, you have in your head, gets you to where you want to be, which it seems like it s gotten you very far in your career.
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But then it stops working and you have to shift it.
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And I think that it is important to be aware of what that story is because maybe it worked for you for a while, but it doesn t work anymore.
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It s exactly right.
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So these narratives are parts of us.
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And while they may at times be extreme, like that controlling part of me could have been a really extreme way of living.
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But I also wrote 10 books in 13 years with that extreme part, right?
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Like, so it works.
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It s beneficial.
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But there s a point to your point.
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There s a point in time where we have to recognize that hustle or that is extreme.
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It s not going to get me to the next level where I want to be as a human.
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Well, I think both.
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you and I were talking about this off air, like we tend to run hard in the hustle department.
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And I think we re both, we have a very high expectation for the way we perform when it comes to work.
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But I think what you and I have both done, which has been incredibly helpful for both of our personalities, is the boundary is almost living also in an area that is calm and doesn t have all the stuff and the chaos.
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Yeah.
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But I think you two are also a little different now, because I always get nervous about this conversation, the conversation around hustle culture in general, because I think what people start to sometimes misconceive is that you don t have to work really fucking hard to be able to put wins on the board.
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I think about early on in my career, there was no work-life balance.
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It was just like, go, go, go.
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And that wouldn t work for me now.
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But it s the thing that enabled me to put some wins on the board now so that I m able to operate a bit differently.
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So I get worried about telling young people that there s kind of no way around that in the beginning.
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You re not writing 10 books if you re not making massive sacrifices.
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I could agree with you more.
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I m really glad that you said that.
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When Kim Kardashian got in so much trouble for being like, just fucking work, whatever she said, I actually was like, no, she s... I mean, look, it got out of context.
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I literally said the same thing to Michael.
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I was like, good, she s not wrong.
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But I get it.
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I m saying people like she got so much shit for that.
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And then I think what they re not understanding is like, you may not like the message, but it s, it s true.
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Like you kind of have to, you have to work, you, you have to create, you have to be in devotion and commitment and show up every single day.
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But the thing that I think a lot of entrepreneurs have a similarity, maybe you guys do too, is when we have that drive and that driving force, sometimes behind it is a belief that s a little bit limiting.
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Oh, sure.
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It s like, if I m not the best, if I m not seen.
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I started my first business when I was 21 because I was like,
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Look at me, like I can do this.
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I can prove to the world that I ve got this going on.
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Now we ve used it and we ve channeled it for good, but that hustle is inherent in an entrepreneur and it is inherent in getting a lot done, but it isn t sustainable.
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I think there s two kinds of people.
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Sometimes the people that live too far in the past and then people that live too far in the future.
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I was probably someone who lived too far in the future.
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And I think when you live too far in the future, you can create a lot of stress and anxiety because you really can t predict fully what s going to happen and you have a pretty serious expectation of what you want to happen.
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And then you re constantly, it s like that in between moment.
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We were talking to somebody yesterday that went to prison.
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Yeah.
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And he said the worst moment was not actually being in the prison, but was like the moment before when he was figuring out like, was he going to actually go or not go?
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Like that unexpected uncertainty, right?
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And so I think some people live in the past where like the past holds them back from attaining their full potential in the future.
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And then some people live too far in the future, which holds them back from many other things.
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I think doing this show and talking to all sorts of people, including yourself, like I ve gotten better at managing that.
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But for the longest time, I think the thing that motivated me was there was a high expectation that people around put on me as well as what I put on myself to achieve a certain level of success.
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Now I m much more calm with that maybe because there s been some wins on the board and I ve just gotten a better relationship with how I think about the future.
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But to your point, that kind of drive is partly part of the reason why I ve gotten to where I ve gotten to in certain places, but it probably was not healthy to continue to live that kind of way.
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Does that drive get in the way of your life still in any form?
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I mean, listen, I m not going to sit here and lie and say I have that all figured out and that I m not still hungry and motivated and want to go, but I have a much better relationship.
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I m much more calm now than I was.
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If you would have met me five years ago, when did we meet?
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We actually met about four years ago.
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We were in really different places, all of us.
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I can speak for myself.
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13 to 2018.
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It would have been a different kind of person.
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Yeah.
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Not as pleasant of a person, I don t think.
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Yeah, same here.
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I would have to say the same.
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I think that we... So two things can be true, right?
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We can have these driving forces that get us to these places of success, and then we can also have the experience of
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of feeling like, okay, I need to settle into that new way of being.
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And sometimes with the wings that you re talking about, like having those wings behind you, it is easier to settle and it is easier to sort of like step into a new way of being.
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But there s plenty of people out there that even with the wings, stay in that mindset and start, you know, stay stuck in that place.
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Why?
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Well, that would be because it s a core belief system that is holding them in that pattern of believing that if I m not hustling, I m not good enough.
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If someone is in that position and they can acknowledge they re in the position, like what are little tiny things that they can do to get out?
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Just little tips.
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I can give you a thousand.
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OK, so let s start with first and foremost, just knowing the part of you, knowing that you have that story, knowing that that story is driving you.
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And in the moments when we see ourselves sort of in the extreme parts of that story, right?
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So for you, it might be like, oh, I missed my kid s ballet class because I was working.
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I don t know, I m just making this shit up.
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But like for myself, it s like, oh, I like flipped out and started to control things because I felt out of control.
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And so knowing those areas where we kind of get there.
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And in those moments, being the witness, the nonjudgmental witness of that pattern and that behavior.
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So it may be in the moment, it may be that you have to step out of the moment and take a deep breath and get centered and just look at it and say, oh, there it is again.
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Oh, there s that pattern again.
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And start extending a little bit of compassion and curiosity to it.
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So there s that pattern again, normalizing it and not giving yourself so much pressure around it.
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I think that even just something as simple as placing your hand on your heart and your hand on your belly, giving yourself a deep breath, breathing into the feeling of what it is that you re having in that moment, can completely redirect your thoughts and your energy.
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Because a lot of times something that people do is like they have these belief systems, they create these patterns, they re living from trigger to trigger to trigger.
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It s like a lot of drama.
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If you actually pause and place a new pattern in the place of that trigger, you can start to change the way that you react.
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So the moment that somebody is like, okay, I m lashing out at my husband again, if you have enough awareness to step aside, hand on your heart, take a deep breath, give yourself this moment of pause, a gesture inward, and just give yourself that moment to start to redirect in that moment, that starts to create a new pattern inside your system.
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What would you say to the people who are addicted to the chaos because they re comfortable in it?
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Okay, so I love that question.
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I understand that completely.
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Lauren is familiar with this story.
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Do you want to talk about you or no?
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We can talk about, no, go.
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So you re comfortable in the chaos.
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I wouldn t say that, Michael.
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I would say not as much anymore, but earlier in your life, yes.
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I would say that I could look back and see how chaos was comfortable.
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But I just want to know if someone is constantly seeking out that chaos,
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I ll give you an example.
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Say that you re in a great relationship.
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You re looking for drama.
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But things are going well.
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And on the surface, there s really not a problem.
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And it s almost like things are going so well that I m going to throw a grenade in the middle of this thing.
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I call it Michael s looking for the saber-toothed tiger.
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I m speaking from real life experiences.
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Not as much anymore, but that has happened in the past.
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And I remember we would sit down and I d be like, what are we doing?
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Because I didn t understand that thought process, especially at that time.
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And it was confusing.
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If things are going so well, what are we looking for to make a mess?
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All right, I m going to take this deeper.
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Cause like Lauren wants her quick tips, but I m going to go deep.
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Okay.
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So the deep, the depth can also come out with a, with a quick tip because I m taking what I m about to share and I m also demystifying it.
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So let me just give you both.
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They have to be there.
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So when we re young, we have these experiences and these experiences of like maybe something very traumatic, maybe something that s seemingly insignificant, but it s still affected who we are as a person.
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Those experiences in our life, we didn t have the resources to handle at that time.
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We re little kids.
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We re young guys.
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If it s very extreme, we can get very blown out.
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And if it s less extreme, it still has the same effect, but it s not as blown out.
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It s not going to affect you as much.
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Now, what happens in those moments when we have those extreme experiences?
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experiences as children is we exile those feelings.
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We re like, fuck that.
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I never want to feel that again, unconsciously.
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And we push it down.
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And as young children, we start to build up these forms of protection.
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So we start protecting ourselves by working really hard.
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We start protecting ourselves by being in chaos because that feels safe, because if I have a lot going on, then I m good enough or that I m safe enough.
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We start protecting ourselves by avoiding certain situations, or playing things down, or addictive patterns, or just eating, or abusing some kind of relationships, and whatever it might be.
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We have these different forms of numbing the pain of that childhood experience.
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And so that s the protection mechanisms.
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And so most of us, most people live in protection to protection.
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I ll call it protector parts of us.
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This is internal family systems therapy, IFS.
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So we go from protector part to protector part to protector part.
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And so it s pretty extreme, right?
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It s like, oh, I m getting nervous about something.
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I m going to go, you know, pick up that food or I got triggered in that relationship.
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I m going to go and rage or whatever it is.
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And so we live in these places.
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The way to come back to a place of center and a place of serenity is to, like I said earlier, be the witness of these parts of us, become curious about them, give them some attention, have some compassion.
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So knowing, I know that the part of me that was a cocaine addict at 25 was really just protecting me from impermissible feelings.
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And I can see her now and I can say,
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All right, like you did what you had to do then to get to where we are today.
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And while you were very extreme in that way, you also have had a lot of good inside because you ve been really driving me and you ve been a driving force inside of me.
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So it s not about taking these protection mechanisms and saying like light them on fire.
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It s about recognizing them, respecting them, and speaking more compassionately to them.
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So in the moment, you want a quick tip?
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Here it is.
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Check-in.
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This is what I m writing an entire book.
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My next book is called Self-Help.
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Okay?
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And in IFS, there s these parts of us, but there s also self.
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It s the undamaged, resourced, calm, connected, compassionate, creative part of us.
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It s like the mother within you, the father within you.
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If Zaza came to you and she was like, you know, mommy, you know, this boy told me I was stupid or like, you would just sit with her and you d be so empathetic and you d be compassionate and you d be calm and you d be connected to her.
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And we don t do that to ourselves.
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How different would we be if we looked at those stories and those patterns and those triggers, and we started extending compassion and connection and calmness?
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So step one is when you re in that triggered place, choose to check in.
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So you re like, I notice that I m out of control, or I notice that I m back in the chaos, or I notice that whatever your story is.
2
SPEAKER_03
Choose to check in rather than check out.
2
SPEAKER_03
So checking in looks like focusing your attention inward.
2
SPEAKER_03
And the second step is to become curious and start to just ask yourself some inner questions.
2
SPEAKER_03
How long has this feeling been around?
2
SPEAKER_03
Where is it in my body?
2
SPEAKER_03
How does it feel right now?
2
SPEAKER_03
What do I know about it?
2
SPEAKER_03
And letting that feeling speak to you.
2
SPEAKER_02
Do you think some of the trauma and what we feel in our body actually ends up creating disease? 100%.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
And I can get into that.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, I would love to hear more about that.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like physical disease, you mean?
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_03
But the third step is to extend some compassion and connection to that part of you.
2
SPEAKER_03
So I ll just recap this, and then we re going to talk about the psychosomatic effects of trauma.
2
SPEAKER_03
One, choose to check in.
2
SPEAKER_03
So those moments when you see yourself completely checked out, you re picking up a drink, you re going off to that, whatever it might be, choose to check inward.
2
SPEAKER_03
Become curious about how you re feeling inside.
2
SPEAKER_03
What do I know about this?
2
SPEAKER_03
How old is this part of me?
2
SPEAKER_03
What is it trying to say to me?
2
SPEAKER_03
And then the third step is to say to that part with some compassion and connection, what do you need right now?
2
SPEAKER_03
to asking yourself, what do I need right now?
2
SPEAKER_03
And usually you re going to hear something like, I need to rest, I need to speak up for myself, I need to dance, I need to go for a walk.
2
SPEAKER_03
And so those three questions start to focus your attention inward rather than trying to find a quick fix for the emotional state that you don t want to be in.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s a great tip.
2
SPEAKER_03
It s a great tip.
2
SPEAKER_03
The whole method, I m calling it the check-in method, and it s informed by internal family systems.
2
SPEAKER_03
So questions on that.
2
SPEAKER_00
No, I have a question around.
2
SPEAKER_00
I mean, this is maybe a little bit of curveball, but as you were talking, I was thinking about it.
2
SPEAKER_00
You have children, we have children and you ve had trauma in your life.
2
SPEAKER_00
We ve had trauma.
2
SPEAKER_00
I think about this.
2
SPEAKER_00
My friend calls it now the way she s raising her children.
2
SPEAKER_00
She wants controlled adversity or she does like they re in a, in a position in life now where their childhood is going to be much different.
2
SPEAKER_01
No, she calls it something else.
2
SPEAKER_00
Isn t it?
2
SPEAKER_00
It s called micro adversity, micro adversities, but she, her kids are going to grow up different than she grew up.
2
SPEAKER_00
They re going to, they re,
2
SPEAKER_00
going to have it maybe a little bit easier, right?
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, I don t know about that.
2
SPEAKER_03
I don t think it s going to be easier.
2
SPEAKER_00
We think about this all the time.
2
SPEAKER_00
You want to be compassionate.
2
SPEAKER_00
You want to listen to your children.
2
SPEAKER_00
But at the same time, I grew up in a household where
2
SPEAKER_00
Like if I went to my dad and said, hey, I need to go talk to somebody, he d be like, whack upside the head, get your ass out there and go do something.
2
SPEAKER_00
And it s like, you want to be compassionate, but at the same time, like you also want to say like, hey, you re going to face some hard shit, go deal with it.
2
SPEAKER_00
How do you find the balance in that regard?
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, well, I think that our children definitely are going to grow up at a time with more emotional resilience.
2
SPEAKER_03
because there s much more talk about therapeutic principles.
2
SPEAKER_03
There s compassion.
2
SPEAKER_03
There s connection.
2
SPEAKER_03
There s also just a generation that s ahead of our children that s all about, how can I do my me time and take care of myself?
2
SPEAKER_03
So it s true.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, my dad s almost 80 years old.
2
SPEAKER_00
And if I would have gone to him and said, hey, I need to go talk, he would have looked at me like, you need to check yourself into a psych ward.
2
SPEAKER_03
That is a beautiful thing of what s come to be for this next generation.
2
SPEAKER_03
And they re going to need it.
2
SPEAKER_03
They re going to need it with everything as fast as it is.
2
SPEAKER_03
I think that the democratizing spirituality and personal growth, and thank you for putting my podcast out there, right?
2
SPEAKER_03
It s like something like a show like Dear Gabby, doing this work is so much more common than it ever has been.
2
SPEAKER_03
And my big mission has always been to democratize personal development.
2
SPEAKER_03
And, you know, I ve got like my Gabby coaching app membership now, and people can just like pick up the phone and get Gabby.
2
SPEAKER_03
Your quick tips are all in there, Lauren, I ll get you your quick tips.
2
SPEAKER_03
But it s having easy access to these personal growth methods.
2
SPEAKER_03
And so whether you re a parent or you re the internal parent to these little people inside of you, right?
2
SPEAKER_03
We have all these like children inside of us that are freaking out.
2
SPEAKER_03
The simplicity of just saying, it s okay to take care of my internal condition is what is the gift for these kids and a gift that you can give yourself today, even if it wasn t how you were brought up, because it is normalized and it is more common.
2
SPEAKER_03
And so just taking that full blown experience of being like, it s actually okay for me to tend inward.
2
SPEAKER_00
But I guess what I couldn t agree more, but I guess also what I m asking you is,
2
SPEAKER_00
I work with a lot of young people all the time.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I think sometimes, not to disregard the issues, but sometimes I want to shake some people and say, hey, it s not always supposed to be easy, and you re not always supposed to feel good, and you re not always going to be comfortable, and you re going to see things you don t like, and you re going to hear things you don t like, and you re going to have disagreements, and that s life, and put on a helmet and move on.
2
SPEAKER_00
The thing is, if you deliver that message like I just delivered it, it s almost like you ve slapped them in the face.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s so overwhelming.
2
SPEAKER_00
I don t think we re doing people a credit by trying to teach them that they always need to be comfortable and they always need to feel good.
2
SPEAKER_00
I know where you re going.
2
SPEAKER_00
Do you get what I m saying?
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, this has come up a few times now, so I agree with you.
2
SPEAKER_03
So I m turning 44 November 1st, and my generation, particularly women, was like, hustle.
2
SPEAKER_03
Get it done.
2
SPEAKER_03
Move it.
2
SPEAKER_03
Make it happen.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m sort of on the cusp of millennial, you guys are clear full-blown millennials, but you guys had that like aftermath of that generational kind of like move, make it happen.
2
SPEAKER_03
You want something, you get it.
2
SPEAKER_03
The generation below us has gone, I think we were so extreme in the like hustle to burnout to like die before you have success, you know what I m saying?
2
SPEAKER_03
Like thankfully we survived, but it went such a swing in the opposite direction.
2
SPEAKER_03
And that swing went towards like,
2
SPEAKER_03
I need me time.
2
SPEAKER_03
I ve worked so many hours.
3
SPEAKER_02
hours, but you re living in your sweatpants.
3
SPEAKER_02
You know what I m saying?
3
SPEAKER_02
So there s this complete opposite direction that s happened.
3
SPEAKER_02
So I think some of what you re reacting to is like, how do I infuse hustle in somebody without making them feel like I m totally disrupting their work?
3
SPEAKER_00
That, but not just that.
3
SPEAKER_00
For example, I ll give you a Dear Media example because we can discuss it.
3
SPEAKER_00
We at the company try to showcase as many of the shows on the company as we can all the time.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I personally, running the business, try to spend very... I don t think I ve ever come to you and said, you can either talk about this or not or edit it.
3
SPEAKER_00
No, never.
3
SPEAKER_02
You guys don t interfere at all.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
So that s my thing.
3
SPEAKER_00
But sometimes you may have somebody on or we may have somebody on where you just disagree with the message and like, that s okay, fine, move on.
3
SPEAKER_00
So we were in the company one time and there was a show that had a guest that people did not like in the company and something external.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I had to sit down everybody in the company like, listen,
3
SPEAKER_00
sometimes you re not going to like some of the stuff you see.
3
SPEAKER_00
And sometimes you re going to disagree with some of the people.
3
SPEAKER_00
And like, that s that s just how this works.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like, that s yeah, that s life.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
But it was almost like it was like this huge uproar and people were so upset.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I remember just sitting back and be like, of all the areas that you re going to let your life be impacted, this is just it s not consequential enough to let it derail your day or your life.
3
SPEAKER_01
I think what he s also saying is we re in a society where everyone s triggered and everyone has a trigger.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t like shows.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s like trigger warning for stuff that
3
SPEAKER_01
How do you manage that with also being like you re going to see stuff you don t like and if it s a trigger it s maybe something internal that you need to work on?
3
SPEAKER_00
I just believe that it s not the responsibility of people that are sharing messages to guard against other people s triggers.
3
SPEAKER_00
To elaborate, whatever I say on this show, if somebody is triggered by what I said, that is not a me issue, that is a them issue.
3
SPEAKER_00
You may not like me, you can turn out and you can never see me again, but I can t sit around policing how everybody feels that may tune into something that we re saying here.
3
SPEAKER_00
Does that make sense?
3
SPEAKER_02
All we can do, look, everybody s the media today.
3
SPEAKER_02
Everybody has a voice.
3
SPEAKER_02
Everybody s got a phone, a microphone, literally.
3
SPEAKER_02
All we can do is keep our side of the street clean.
3
SPEAKER_02
So if you show up and you re like, I m in my authentic truth, I m sharing something that I believe, I am conscious of the listener, then you re keeping your side of the street clean.
3
SPEAKER_02
And if somebody doesn t like it or they re activated by you or they think, then that s on them.
3
SPEAKER_02
And if later you step away and you re like, you know what?
3
SPEAKER_02
I kind of shouldn t have said that, or I didn t really do that right.
3
SPEAKER_02
Make amends, come back the next week, record the episode, be like, yo, I said this thing, I actually wanna, I wanna really acknowledge that wasn t exactly my highest and best.
3
SPEAKER_02
But if we show up as content providers and people in the public eye, in whatever form that comes, it s really everybody these days, coming from that place of, I m showing up in my highest and best every day, we can trust that we re not gonna piss, that if somebody gets pissed off, that s their work.
3
SPEAKER_02
that in a way we ve done them a service because we have activated a part of them that needs tending to.
3
SPEAKER_02
Hopefully they tend to it.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think like the way that I view this, just like if I m watching for an outsider, like I will see somebody say something completely absurd and wacky online that maybe I vehemently disagree with.
3
SPEAKER_00
But my action after that is like, that was nuts.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then I move on with my day and try to be productive in a different way.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t get sucked into that world and let it completely like derail whatever I m trying to do.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I see
3
SPEAKER_00
that happening to a lot of people.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I m like, listen, from a straight up productivity, healthy mental state of mind, letting that kind of stuff drag you in that hard is not... The person that said the thing, they ve already done it and moved on.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s only harming yourself to be that activated by things.
3
SPEAKER_02
I think that the world, a lot of folks out there are
3
SPEAKER_02
are acting out their childhood wounds on social media.
3
SPEAKER_02
100% talk about that.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_02
It s not even just on social.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_02
In the comments of like, I, you know, like, like someone may have like parentified a person and then like, they re just like, oh, you did this one thing wrong.
3
SPEAKER_02
So I m going to fucking lash out on you on social because you know, this is activating me.
3
SPEAKER_02
So there s a lot of
3
SPEAKER_02
mouthpieces out there and places for people to complain or places for people to rage.
3
SPEAKER_02
But really what they need to do is address that internally and not be planting it on the internet.
3
SPEAKER_02
I think there s so much divisiveness in the conversation.
3
SPEAKER_02
And so I think that at this point in time, the best thing to do, and I actually gave Oprah this advice when I was 32 years old on Super Soul Sunday, and I sat down with Oprah and she s like, Gabby,
3
SPEAKER_02
How do you handle the haters on the internet?
3
SPEAKER_02
And I looked at her and I said, forgive and delete, forgive and delete.
3
SPEAKER_02
I don t even look at it.
3
SPEAKER_02
I ve got a whole team of customer care people that would never even tell me if something was outrageous, unless it was something that I genuinely did wrong, unless it was something that I maybe had misspoken.
3
SPEAKER_00
Constructive.
3
SPEAKER_02
And it was like, Gabby, yo, you did this thing, be on the lookout for it.
3
SPEAKER_02
But I also don t get a lot of hate on the internet.
3
SPEAKER_02
And why?
3
SPEAKER_02
Because I don t look for it.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m not putting that energy out.
3
SPEAKER_02
I m not a magnet for it.
3
SPEAKER_02
If we re looking for it and we re hustling, like looking at our phone, like, what are they saying?
3
SPEAKER_02
What are they saying?
3
SPEAKER_02
Then we re gonna attract more of it.
3
SPEAKER_02
If we re just at peace with the truth and what I was saying to you earlier, if you re showing up in your highest and best, and you feel like you re keeping your side of the street clean, and this is for anybody out there, because we re all the media now, anyone who has a phone, if you re keeping your side of the street clean, then it doesn t matter what people say, because you re grounded in your truth.
3
SPEAKER_01
One thing that I am so passionate about is talking about non-toxic, hypoallergenic, free of fragrances and hormone disruptor products.
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Ever since I had kids, I have switched up and changed my entire life.
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I feel now when I go to my house, my home is a place of detox.
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SPEAKER_01
And a huge part of that is because I switched all my nasty ass toxic cleaning supplies out with Branch Basics.
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And since switching to Branch Basics, it s gone away.
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I have talked to so many of you too that have switched and you re just so happy.
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So I did a gut test and sure enough, I was having gut issues.
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And it actually produces antioxidants too.
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So it s a perfect probiotic for the whole family, our children take it.
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And you can now pair it with their Just Calm product as well.
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I think this is really great to have in my bag after the gym.
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You know, I might give this out as a gift to people like Taylor.
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He could use a little help below the belt, if you know what I mean.
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I also think like with content, you re going to attract that too.
4
SPEAKER_00
So if you re constantly looking at gossip sites or negative things or I don t know, negative news on the internet, that content is going to be fed to you more and more and more.
4
SPEAKER_00
And you re inundated with all this negativity on your feeds.
4
SPEAKER_00
I think it s really important to be thoughtful about what you re consuming and how you re consuming it.
4
SPEAKER_00
I think the content thing goes back to your point earlier about
4
SPEAKER_00
you know, you pick up the drink, people pick up their phone, they start scrolling, more attracting that, that you got to be really thoughtful about what you re looking at day after day.
4
SPEAKER_00
One minute on someone s Instagram story a day of someone who s a negative person is 365 minutes a year.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
Wow.
4
SPEAKER_00
Good point.
4
SPEAKER_01
I mean, you have to be thoughtful of that.
4
SPEAKER_01
I really want to emphasize this.
4
SPEAKER_01
Let s go into this because
4
SPEAKER_01
So we manifest what we feel, we manifest what we believe, we manifest what we focus on.
4
SPEAKER_01
So all of us with our phones in our hands are very focused intently on that feed, on that feed, on that feed.
4
SPEAKER_01
So recognizing that in those experiences day to day, when you re picking up stuff that you don t, that doesn t make you feel good to your point, 365
4
SPEAKER_01
minutes a day, hours a day, even days spent waiting and looking at all this stuff that s bringing down our vibration, bringing down our energy.
4
SPEAKER_01
And the other thing that s happening is we re actually manifesting more of it, literally with the universe, right?
4
SPEAKER_01
The universe is like an algorithm.
4
SPEAKER_01
So we put out that story of like, I m gonna look at this bullshit on the internet, and then it gets fed back to us with the algorithm, more of that, more of that chaos, more of that drama, more of these stories, more of that person.
4
SPEAKER_01
more of that negativity.
4
SPEAKER_01
The same is with universal energy.
4
SPEAKER_01
If we send out a message that s like, I m a yes for that, we re going to get more of that in our life.
4
SPEAKER_01
So we re going to feel more of that.
4
SPEAKER_01
We re going to have more experiences that are blocked.
4
SPEAKER_01
We re going to have more encounters with people that bring us down.
4
SPEAKER_01
So the energy that you put into your social media is actually something that you re manifesting into your life.
4
SPEAKER_00
I mean, it makes sense.
4
SPEAKER_00
I think there s a lot of things that people can do to, to like edit it.
4
SPEAKER_00
Like you can favorite people.
4
SPEAKER_00
I ve favorited people who are super positive.
4
SPEAKER_00
You, Melissa would health.
4
SPEAKER_00
I like a book Instagrams where they like review books.
4
SPEAKER_00
Like you favorite, like what you like and you can mute what you don t like.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I think being thoughtful of that is really important about if you re, if you re going to look at it every day, you might as well curate it.
4
SPEAKER_01
You have to curate it the same way you curate your thoughts.
4
SPEAKER_01
the same way you curate your intentions.
4
SPEAKER_01
I have a practice, I think, back to this.
4
SPEAKER_01
Let s give you some more practices.
4
SPEAKER_01
So I have a practice where you wake up in the morning, and it s called the daily design method.
4
SPEAKER_01
And when you wake up in the morning and you give yourself a moment of pause, a moment of checking in, and you ask yourself four questions.
4
SPEAKER_01
So the first question is, who do I want to be today?
4
SPEAKER_01
The answer could be like, I want to be a great leader.
4
SPEAKER_01
I want to be a listener, whatever it is that comes to your mind.
4
SPEAKER_01
How do I want to feel today?
4
SPEAKER_01
What do I want to give today?
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And what do I want to receive today?
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Those four questions design your day.
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They set you up to win at the onset of your day.
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So who do I want to be today?
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What do I want to feel today?
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What do I want to give today?
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And what do I want to receive today?
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Give us an example of this morning.
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Today.
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Today, Gabby Bernstein woke up.
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I was feeling a bit of anxiety because I have to travel tomorrow.
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I had recording before you guys.
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I m writing a book.
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I don t have any time to write my book.
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I went into the story.
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I don t have time.
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I m not being supportive.
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I woke up with that story.
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And I said, OK, let s stop.
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Let s pause.
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I went into my lying in bed, haven t even turned the lights on yet.
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Who do I want to be today?
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So I asked myself that question.
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And the answer was, I want to be of service.
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I want to be a content provider of service today.
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So I did record it to come here.
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How do I want to feel today?
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I want to feel supported today.
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What do I want to give today?
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I want to give empowering messages.
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I was in a content creation.
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I want to give empowering messages.
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And what do I want to receive today?
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Well, back to support.
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I want to receive more support.
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Like that was twice in two in my four.
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You ve said that a couple of times.
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What do you mean by that?
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You mean your team supporting you?
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You mean the the world supporting you?
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What does that mean?
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When I shared earlier that I had that limiting belief that I ve carried for decades of, if I m not doing it, nobody else will.
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It s a young story.
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Growing up, I had adverse childhood trauma.
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I had experiences where my thoughts and feelings were not cared for, attended to.
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And so I built up a story at a very young age.
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If I m not doing it, nobody else will.
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I m not safe if I m not in control.
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And so that led my life for many years, but I m done with it.
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I m over it.
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And I can t be creative.
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I can t be in my, I m a motivational speaker.
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I m an author.
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My art is to speak.
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I can t be in the, be the channel for the work that I m here to do.
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If I am trying to also make sure that the microphone s set up, or if I m also trying to make sure that the email went out or make sure that the budget is right, like that shit doesn t work.
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Okay?
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So if I want to really be in my art, I have to expect and create a world where I am supported.
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But I wasn t creating that world for many years because I was in the story of if I don t do it, nobody else will.
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When you look back at your childhood, how do you forgive and move on from your parents not supporting you in the way you needed to be supported?
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I wrote an entire book about this topic.
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It was called Happy Days, the Guided Path from Trauma to Profound Freedom and Inner Peace.
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That book shares my journey of what I remembered in my dissociation, I was dissociated from trauma.
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I think that when I came on the podcast for the first time, I was talking about Happy Days.
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That was the book I was promoting at that time.
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I m just curious how you ended up forgiving your parents so you could be liberated and move on.
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Healing my own internal system.
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recognizing that these young parts of myself that were so burdened, that have been driving my life, that could not forgive, that I had the power to heal them.
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I have a resourced self, an undamaged, you could call it God, you could call it spirit, you could call it inner parent, that I have that in me.
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And then as I started to tend to these younger parts of myself, I was able to help them be less extreme.
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I was able to find ways of self soothing, compassion and connection.
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And once I was able to give that to myself, that s when I could let the other people in my life off the hook.
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Do you find as you ve become a mother that it s been a mind fuck to now have someone to care for after everything you ve went through?
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Or do you find it to be healing or both?
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Both.
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I think that when you become a mother or a father, you sign a sacred contract with the universe that you are ready to show up for all of your childhood trauma.
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And yeah, I mean, it all comes up.
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It comes up now.
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Not everybody does show up for it.
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Not everybody s like, I m going to do that.
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And so what do they do?
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They just repurpose.
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They rinse and repeat.
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They repurpose and replay their same stories onto their children.
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But it s those of us who say, you know what?
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I m actually going to show up for what s up, so it stops showing up.
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I m going to end the cycle.
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And so my son is my greatest teacher.
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I remember when my son was born, I got a text message from Dr. Shefali, who s like a great child s therapist.
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And she said to me, or she does parenting work, and she said to me,
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Meet your new guru.
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And I was right, because he is my guru.
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My son Oliver is my guru.
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Every moment that I m witnessing myself in a trigger is a moment for me to do deeper work.
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It s a moment for me to reflect inward.
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It s a moment for me to undo the patterns from my past.
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And so if we perceive parenting in that way, everything can start to change.
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We actually can undo the lineage.
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We can rewrite the script.
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I mean, there s many things that having children teaches you and we re early in it, but I think like, and not saying everybody should go and have kids until, you know, they re ready and they make that choice.
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But I think it s not until you have kids that you can also look back on your parents and forgive them a little more because you realize like, oh, these people were once 20, 30, trying to figure this shit out.
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And like, you just, you just assume as an adult, like they should have had everything figured out.
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You don t realize like, now you have to be the one to figure it out.
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And I think it gives you a different level of understanding, compassion for your parents before you.
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Compassion is the word.
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I think that when you see yourself and you start to witness yourself, you start to witness how you are in these moments, it gives you so much more compassion for your parents.
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We mentioned earlier when trauma manifests in the body and how it can, I don t know if manifest is the right word.
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No, it is the right word.
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Is it the right word?
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Okay.
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Manifest in the body and it can turn into diseases.
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I am a big Louise Hay fan.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Louise was my teacher.
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I m published by Hay House, yeah.
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Stop.
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I didn t know that.
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My mentor, my teacher, my friend.
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Yeah.
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She was a big, big, big.
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I didn t know that.
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Oh, my God.
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You lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky.
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I mean, I see a lot of her in you.
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That s why I brought up the disease thing, because she is so she has a list of body parts.
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So I can channel and I hear Louise all the time.
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Are you guys okay if I let?
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Yes.
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Okay.
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So, and you see my hands go up like this.
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So, okay.
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So Louise, are you, are you open to this?
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This is cool.
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Okay.
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So Louise, Louise is guide a teacher, a messenger through me in many, many ways.
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And when I m speaking, I allow her to come through Wayne Dyer too.
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They were both my teachers and they come so easily and so fast.
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I also start speaking really fast when I start channeling.
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So Louise is saying, well, first of all, she s saying thank you for giving voice to my platform.
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Thank you for holding a platform to give voice to this message because this is a different audience for this stuff.
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This is big.
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So she s grateful to you.
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She comes through and she s letting me speak on behalf of the work.
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So pretty much what she s saying is the message of recognizing that our body holds and carries
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in our cells, the traumas from our past.
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And when we do not tend to those traumas, those cells multiply and that becomes dis-ease.
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Disease is dis-ease, as Louise would say, dis-ease.
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And these diseases that we carry often are psychosomatic in that we have these belief systems that send messages to our body coming from our brain into the body.
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And they, in some cases, they can actually just stop the flow of oxygen to, you know, or stop the flow of the blood flow or slow down your digestion because you re in such an extreme state.
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But they re also so there s like a literal physical effect of what s happening when you start to send these messages to your body or messages to your life.
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And so your body, you know, I had a lot of gastrointestinal issues for years.
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And those issues were literally physically happening.
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Yes, they were happening.
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You know, I was so stressed that my digestion was slowed down, that it created inflammation and it created, you know, all kinds of bacteria because I wasn t digesting properly.
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So yes, a physical thing is happening, but really what s happening is your body is responding to a belief system.
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And so Louise often taught that as we start to change our belief systems and change our energy and affirm a new way of being, that we can then begin to heal our body.
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And so she s loud.
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And the message often that comes through in her work is really about recognizing that when we take ownership of our thoughts and our belief systems, that we have the power to heal our body.
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It s just interesting, too, how each body part, like, represents something.
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So she has these different messages about how, just as, like, if you have a foot issue, that you re, you know, having trouble stepping forward in your life.
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Even, like, digestion, she might say something like, I m having trouble digesting, like, these thoughts in my mind.
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I m just kind of making these, letting them come through.
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But she has affirmations for every single kind of physical ailment.
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And as she starts to allow you to begin to affirm a new way of being, you start to let your body catch up with your belief system.
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So if someone s listening and they have a sickness of some kind, like for, I m just making this up, like eczema or something, there s maybe something that needs to be resolved within to help
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heal whatever that ailment is.
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As far as I can remember with eczema and Louise s work, it was probably something about like something burning inside of you, like something like a inflame, inflammation, right?
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So it d be like, you know, she d affirm something that d be the opposite of that.
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And so back pain, maybe like I m carrying the burden of the world or different psychosomatic effects of the physical condition.
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She had cervical cancer.
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Yes.
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And it was because she she s believes it s because she was molested at a young age.
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Correct.
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Which is I mean, you could see the correlation without a shadow of a doubt.
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Many, many women who struggle with
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areas of reproductive issues or not reproductive issues specifically, but like trauma physically in their reproductive organs or even gastrointestinal issues that is often trauma related.
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When you have trauma and you re in a constant state of hypervigilance and you re in a constant state of that fight flight,
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What s happening?
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Your stress hormones are constantly affecting your physicality and everything about your life.
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Your nervous system is completely rocked.
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You are not able to digest your food properly.
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Your muscles are contracted.
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So back pain, gastro pain, even inflammation, these are all trauma responses.
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In my book, Happy Days, I actually opened the book with this like beautiful Louise quote talking about
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how our body is the effect of our trauma.
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And then I teach a whole chapter called body, hiding behind the body.
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I am ordering that book this second.
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I m going to give you one.
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No, no, no.
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I m a Kindle reader.
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We were talking about just some of the maybe thought patterns that I was in when I was younger, and I used to have a terrible temper when I was a kid.
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Now I think it s been pretty well eradicated.
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I m pretty calm these days.
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But even when I was, and Lauren will tell you, we d get in fights.
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I would get in physical fights with people.
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I d just be triggered really easily.
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And I m not the poster child for spirituality.
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I don t think.
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But when I started hearing her talk about people that carry anger or resentment or bitterness and like how that potentially can manifest into giving back problems.
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I ve had back problems.
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Yeah.
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Gone now.
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Yeah.
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It s kind of crazy.
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Now, when they went away, were you at a different mental state?
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Yeah, I mean, like I, you know, it s funny, like I think if you talk to anybody that knows Mira worked with me now, you d be maybe surprised to hear that I was like that.
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I just, I just completely, I don t have that in my system anymore.
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I mean, it would take a lot to bring it out, but I learned when she started talking about this, I m like, that makes a ton of sense.
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And people that I know in my personal life that are the angriest.
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have later in life had some of the most violent disease.
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Totally.
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And I won t get into so much detail, but I observe it now and I m like, hmm, like if you re going through life carrying all of that negative energy, it has to come out somewhere.
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So I love the work of this man called Dr. John Sarno.
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And the work is really based on the psychosomatic effects of trauma.
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And so when we have rage and we have all this pent up experience of negativity and rage and fear and trauma,
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Where else can we put it?
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place to put it, we re gonna put it back on the body.
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And so Sarno s work was all, he wrote the book, Healing Back Pain.
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I believe it s how to heal back pain, healing back pain.
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And it s all about how back pain and physical pain is a psychosomatic condition.
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And he would talk about repudiating the pain.
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So looking at your back and saying, oh, you know, that s not my back pain.
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That s actually my impermissible rage.
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And so when we carry and stuff and push down, it will continue to show up somewhere.
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Another part of that belief system is that the brain would be sending messages to the back to be inflamed so that we wouldn t have to deal with the bigger emotional disturbance.
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Let s say you have back pain and you want to use tools to get rid of it.
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When you say all these things, does this mean that someone who has back pain needs to actually physically go to therapy?
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Because I find therapy in just sitting in meditation.
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Does it have to be this release of therapy or can we use other avenues?
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I think that my work and my life s work, I write self-help books.
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My life s work is about meeting people that may not yet be in therapy, may never want to go to therapy.
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I have lots of people that read my books and do my work that are in therapy, and they decide, oh, this really opened the door for me, and now I m going to go further with therapy.
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if that feels too overwhelming for the listener and they re like, that s, I can t, I m not, I m not, I m never going to go into therapy.
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I m never going to do that.
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Even just being at whatever minute 55 of this episode means that you have a desire to heal.
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It means that you have a desire to change.
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And so that s where I think self-help is so magnificent because it opens the door for you to start to take care of your internal condition the same way you might take care of your physical body.
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So you could eat all the right foods, you could do all the right exercise, but if you re not making sure to consciously connect to the belief systems and the thoughts inside of you, none of that will work.
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And so really recognizing that these small, subtle shifts.
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when added up, create really long lasting change.
6
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So people are like, how do I get there?
6
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How do I change this trauma from my past?
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How do I overcome this belief system that s keeping me stuck in these patterns?
6
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Take one small action daily, lots of little right actions, a breath, the daily design method, the check-in process that I gave you, something as simple as sitting for two minutes and listening to a guided meditation.
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It doesn t have to be so overwhelming.
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I want to make sure that we don t overwhelm ourselves with it.
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Because if you overwhelm yourself thinking, this is really with anything.
6
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You want to start a business?
6
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Take lots of little right actions.
6
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You want to feel better internally?
6
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Take lots of little right actions.
6
SPEAKER_02
You want to lose weight?
6
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Take lots of little right actions.
6
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If you force yourself to try to do something right away, what s happening is you actually just never do anything.
6
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You never accomplish anything at all.
6
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Because it s too overwhelming.
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It s too overwhelming.
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I can t get there tomorrow.
6
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With all the people that you talk to and all the people who come to your events,
6
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What is the most common belief?
6
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It could be negative, could be positive that you see when you re talking one on one to people.
6
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What s something where you re like, oh, here it is again.
6
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Here it is again.
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Here it is again.
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And there s a core belief underneath all of the beliefs, which is I m not good enough.
6
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And so the belief of I m not good enough is the driving force behind why we would work so hard, why we would numb out, why we would become addicted.
6
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It s a story of I m not good enough.
6
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And healing that core belief system is what really changes our life, what really changes our life.
6
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And that s a one moment at a time thing.
6
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And somebody might be like, oh, I don t believe that.
6
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I don t think I m not good enough.
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I have all these great belief systems about myself.
6
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But what s that underlying core message that s coming through you every single day that s putting you into these patterns?
6
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of thinking, I have to rage to feel seen, or I have to pick up a drink to feel safe, or I have to sleep all day to numb out.
6
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It s a belief of fear that we don t want to face.
6
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And underneath all of that is the feeling of being unlovable and not good enough.
6
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Wow.
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What is your wake up like?
6
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I know what you told us how you were laying in bed and you were in the dark and you went through that sort of like list, but what is, how do you wake up to show up?
6
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Meaning like to be you is not like you roll out of bed and you go straight into work.
6
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I know that there s a lot of things that you have to do to be as effective as you are.
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What are those things?
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And we were talking about you, like I feel like with the work you do, there s maybe a different kind of pressure.
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to show up.
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You ve got to recharge.
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What are the things that you do?
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For us, we talk to amazing people like yourself, but maybe I don t feel as much of an obligation to be the poster child of lighting the way for something.
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I feel like with the work that you do, so many people look to you as a source of inspiration or direction.
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When you re setting up your day in the morning, what are you doing to set up to show up?
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First, let me speak to the pressure thing.
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So
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Being, making the commitment to be a voice for personal growth and spiritual development and all of the things that I ve been teaching for 18 years, making that commitment first was a commitment to myself.
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Because I heal myself first.
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I go first.
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If I then have an experience of something, I m going to be the teacher.
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I m going to share it through a book.
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I m going to share it through a podcast.
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I m going to share it in a conversation.
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And so the pressure of consistently showing up is, I don t see it as pressure.
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I see it as a privilege.
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I get to be in the service of my soul, be in the service of myself, show up at my highest capacity.
6
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make a commitment, not only to myself, but also to my readers and my listeners, that I m gonna be the best version of me.
6
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And so much of the way that I do that is also just by telling the truth.
6
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Just saying, oh, you know, I really was total, you know, people that worked for me a decade ago could sit here and tell you lots of stories about how I might ve made them feel, you know, so overwhelmed or whatever, but they ll also tell you that I was really good to them, right?
6
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So it s like, yes, two things can be true.
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You can be having your own trauma and your own journey and your own experience, and you can also be helping a lot of people at the same time.
6
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And so that pressure, I take that pressure off.
6
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I see it as a privilege.
6
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The question of like, what do you do in the morning?
6
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Thich Nhat Hanh was interviewed by Oprah.
6
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And she said, well, you know, when do you meditate?
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He said, I meditate all the time.
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And I think that that really resonates with me.
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It s not just about what I do in the morning or what I do when I sit down to my meditation pillow and all these routinized things that I do have, Lauren, and I can share that with you.
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But what is it really?
6
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It s I live a spiritual life.
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Every moment that I come into a situation is an opportunity to get more into alignment, is an opportunity to change my mind, is an opportunity to recognize that my energy may not be... When we first started, I was like, I want to start over.
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Like, I noticed my energy was not totally aligned.
6
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And I was like, this is going to just go nowhere.
6
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Like, let s reset.
6
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And that was a spiritual moment.
6
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That was a moment of me being like, reset.
6
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Those moment by moment shifts and resets.
6
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I call it comeback rate.
6
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It s not about how perfect you are in your personal growth and development.
6
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It s not about how kind I am all the time.
6
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It s not about how profound I am all the time.
6
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It s about how quickly do I come back?
6
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How quickly can I come back to that center, that alignment, that connection?
6
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But for regular listeners of this show, you know that the last two years for both Lauren and I have been huge fitness journeys.
6
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We ve completely taken control of our health.
6
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And with that, we are constantly on the lookout for the best in class supplements, nutrients, performance ingredients, and many more, which is why we love Momentus so much.
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Recently, the founder and CEO of Momentus, Jeff, came on this show to talk all about their clinical studies.
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the certifications that they go through for all of their products.
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I think that they have the best collagen on the market and the best whey protein.
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If you re into whey protein, that s what Lauren and I both take after a workout.
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They also have an incredible sleep pack that we use literally every single night and every time we travel.
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This sleep pack comes in individualized packets that contain magnesium L3 and L8, which we ve talked about on the show, L-theanine, which is going to help with your stress levels and calm you down, and apigenin, which is going to help you fall asleep.
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This is the most incredible product that we ve discovered on the market when it actually comes to sleep.
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All Memento supplements are backed by research and leading experts.
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They partner with the leading experts in human performance.
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It conducts federally funded research and development to bring you the best in class products.
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And like I mentioned, they re third party tested.
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With Omenis, you can trust that what is on the label is actually on the label.
7
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If you listen to the episode we did with Jeff, we talk all about the supplement industry and the stuff that goes on there.
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So check it out.
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Of course we have an offer for you.
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Again, that s live momentous.com slash skinny.
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This episode of The Him and Her Show is brought to you by the new L Oreal Paris Bright Reveal Dark Spot Serum and Broad Spectrum SPF 50 Daily Lotion.
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We have an incredible offer from an incredible partner right now, and that is from The Farmer s Dog.
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Before I get into the offer, let me tell you about The Farmer s Dog.
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This has been life-changing for our pets.
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We spend so much time thinking about what we put in our own bodies, the supplements we take, the food quality.
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We spend very little time thinking about what we feed our pets, our furry friends, the people that give us the most love.
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Most likely, you just head into the store, buy some store-bought kibble, and that s it.
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This potentially is going to leave your pets unhealthy and sad.
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Lauren and I don t want our pets to be unhealthy and sad.
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They absolutely love it, and we ve noticed a huge change
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That s thefarmersdog.com slash skinny.
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There s a highlight on your Instagram that I ve looked at.
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I think it s called Morning.
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I don t know.
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SPEAKER_02
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Probably a morning routine in there.
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It was inspiring to me.
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So I do believe that while I will stand behind the fact that it s these moment-to-moment shifts that create that momentum in your life to keep you steady,
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consistently, you can prepare yourself at the beginning of the day.
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So the onset of the day is when we kind of decide and design how the rest of the day is gonna go.
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You wake up and you re in like a real shit mood and you just, you know, lash out on Michael and then Michael s in a bad mood and then that starts to feel, you know, funnel into the next call.
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So that does have an effect.
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It takes a lot more work to re-untangle that later.
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So beginning your day with really good intentions is important.
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I would say step one is to, I love the starting with that daily design method, deciding who you want to be and setting yourself up to win.
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And then really I emphasize, don t pick up your phone from the moment that you wake up, which is so many people s is right there.
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The first thing they do is pick up that phone.
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Please just don t, just don t, just don t, just don t.
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What is it?
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So I actually, I ll talk about this because so, so here s what I,
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So here s the thing, and this is going to sound strange.
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I think that there s people that if you pick up the phone early in the morning, you re immediately on your heels, you re on someone else s to-do list, you get stressed, you get anxiety, it can derail your day.
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I think that s a lot of people.
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And I think that if you re one of those people, I completely agree with you.
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I don t find any of that stress or anxiety or obligation to be on somebody else s to-do list in the morning.
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And most of the stuff that I m looking at, like for example, today we woke up in the hotel and it s dark and I m not being able to get outside like I would normally in the house.
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And I want that blue light in my eyes immediately just to trigger my circadian rhythm.
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Is that your excuse, Michael?
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I was just going to say these excuses are creative.
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So here s my thing with her, is I watch her get on the phone and it derails her and triggers her and all these things, but I don t have that same...
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You might not think that you do, but I once did this really cool thing.
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There s an app and I have to find out what it is to send it to you.
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There was an app that like checked your heart rate variability.
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And it was about like, it had like this green, you would be in this green zone when you re breathing and centered and your nervous system is settled.
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And then it would start to get orange, orange, and then go red when that started to spike.
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I was doing it and I was breathing.
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I was looking at the phone.
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It was like connected to my pulse or something.
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And I was breathing, relaxing, breathing, relaxing.
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It was in the green, in the green, in the green.
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My phone dinged.
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I was using somebody else s phone.
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My phone dinged.
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The second my phone dinged, went right to red.
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And so while you may be like, no, this is fine.
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This is normal.
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You ve actually become just so accustomed to that.
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I m sure it seems normal.
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I ll also tell you this about me.
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I don t require any wake up or warm up period whatsoever.
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Like if I wake up, I am like this.
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Like there s no like, let me get my stuff together.
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Let me get a coffee.
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Let me get like, I should have seen the way he woke me up today.
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But I ve been that way my entire life.
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Like I don t like it just.
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And so when we first started dating, it was very confusing to me that she needed to be woken up in her words, like a cat and slow with light.
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Like I just I don t know.
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Yeah.
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That s why I love this city so much.
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When I come here,
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This place.
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OK, but let me give you another caveat of this is that when you wake up and you start looking at the Twitter news feed and you see all this negative stuff that you re being served, it is essentially like you watch the news every single morning.
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You make fun of your dad for blasting the news in his house.
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It s the same thing.
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It s the same thing.
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Michael is the same.
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How about you just say Lauren and Gabby are right.
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I m not saying you re not right.
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I m just saying that you re giving an excuse.
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If she looks at the phone in the morning and I look at the phone in the morning, it won t nearly impact me as much as it impacts her.
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Remember there was a sponsor we had on this show once.
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I m sure you guys had to.
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It s like where you wore like a patch or something and you could like test your blood.
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SPEAKER_00
Like I know who you re talking about.
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I won t put him.
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So Lauren would not let me put the patch.
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I didn t want to wear it either.
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She said if I put the patch on, I would give you a little dear Gabby assignment.
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SPEAKER_01
Wear the patch for two weeks.
7
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Okay.
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She won t let me come in the house if I wear the patch, because it goes into my skin.
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Just chill with the patch, because we ve got to prove this to him.
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Do it for a week.
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I think you have to do it for two weeks.
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Do it one week while you re waking up the way you normally do.
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And do it one week where you don t look at your phone for at least an hour before you start your day.
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I need a third party to come follow us around.
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SPEAKER_01
You know what the right response is?
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SPEAKER_01
No, you don t.
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The patch is following you around.
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SPEAKER_01
You re right.
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SPEAKER_00
No, I need somebody to- You re right.
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SPEAKER_00
No, listen, I think you re both right.
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SPEAKER_00
Thank you.
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Period.
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I feel like if you see the physiological reactions that your body s having, then yeah, he s gonna really be, you re gonna see it.
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You need to see the data.
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Put the patch back on.
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I m listening to Gabby.
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Listen, I am not saying you re wrong in any, what I m saying is I probably believe you re right.
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Or a ring or whatever those things are.
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I m gonna monitor him all week, Gabby, and I m gonna-
8
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Yeah, we ve got whoop.
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But what I m saying is, I know this is very important advice for a lot of people, but I guess what I m saying is I am a high-functioning screen morning looker, and it has not yet seemed to... That s fine.
8
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But also, Michael, you work out a lot, right?
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A lot, yeah.
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Yeah, you have great hair, you ve got muscles, you re just working out.
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He really has good hair.
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I don t know what the hair has to do with the workout, but... I don t know, it s like he s got good hair.
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SPEAKER_02
But you care a lot about your physical well-being.
8
SPEAKER_02
Sure, sure.
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Why wouldn t you treat your mental well-being the same way?
8
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I do.
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And I am.
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Because like, for instance, you could eat a hamburger, you could drink, you know, diet soda or whatever.
8
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You might not physically feel it like you might not physically feel it for years and years and years.
8
SPEAKER_02
But you know it s doing something bad to you.
8
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So you re not doing it.
8
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No, listen, this is why I say I am 100% a work in progress.
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I m not perfect.
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Of course, of course, of course.
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I learn all, I talk to people like yourself so that I can better myself.
8
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I love this conversation because it s a subtle manipulation to do what I say.
8
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And I m not resistant to it.
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I think you re right.
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But when I go through, so here s how I think about it.
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When I go through all of the lists of things that I ve had to implement, what I m saying is a lot of... This isn t one of them.
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SPEAKER_00
It s not.
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Yeah, it should be one of them for sure.
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I want to take away the word should.
8
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Okay.
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Could be.
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So while I want to sit with your wife right here and be like, we re right, you know, really do that.
8
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I actually want to be like, listen, we have to have some vices in our life, right?
8
SPEAKER_02
Like, you know, I ve been sober 18 years.
8
SPEAKER_02
I don t eat sugar.
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SPEAKER_02
I don t eat gluten.
8
SPEAKER_02
I, you know, okay.
8
SPEAKER_02
So what advice?
8
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Coffee.
8
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
8
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That s kind of boring, but like, you know, coffee or like dairy, I don t know, but maybe my advice is that I like to watch, you know, Colbert before I go to bed every night.
8
SPEAKER_02
You know, that s not the best sleep hygiene.
8
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Do I have better experiences with better sleep hygiene?
8
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
8
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but I ve got this one vice.
8
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
8
SPEAKER_02
You know, if I m feeling up, you know, if I ve got a lot going on, I literally will just like go watch like Trevor.
8
SPEAKER_02
I saw Trevor Noah on the street yesterday.
8
SPEAKER_02
I was like, Trevor, what?
8
SPEAKER_02
Like, you think you re friends with these people?
8
SPEAKER_02
You know, he s like, get the fuck away from me.
8
SPEAKER_02
But, but, you know, you just, just being in that place where you re just in acceptance of like, I don t want to do that yet.
8
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I think vice is a good way to put it.
8
SPEAKER_00
I was on an interview with a show called Meat Mafia, which is actually we didn t even really talk about meat, but that s their show.
8
SPEAKER_00
And they were talking about morning routines of this.
8
SPEAKER_00
And I said that while I know many of these things could be extremely beneficial for me as I m practicing right now in my life,
8
SPEAKER_00
I also feel that my day is not derailed if I don t do one of those things.
8
SPEAKER_00
I feel like I have other things.
8
SPEAKER_01
Your day should be derailed if you don t scrape that tongue.
8
SPEAKER_00
For example, my day or week is derailed if I don t.
8
SPEAKER_01
Everyone s got to scrape their tongue.
8
SPEAKER_00
Do you have a tongue scraper?
8
SPEAKER_02
You ve got to have a tongue scraper.
8
SPEAKER_02
Do you have one, though, that you do sell one?
8
SPEAKER_02
No.
8
SPEAKER_02
Next product.
8
SPEAKER_02
Sell us a tongue scraper.
8
SPEAKER_02
A pink one.
8
SPEAKER_01
We re working on it, but it s gotta be, this is off air, this is off, it s gotta have a case, it s gotta have a whole thing.
8
SPEAKER_01
It s a big project.
8
SPEAKER_01
I got you.
8
SPEAKER_01
It s not a product, it s a big project.
8
SPEAKER_00
I will explain things this way.
8
SPEAKER_00
I am a work in progress, but there are things that I m slowly letting go of that I think have driven me and will continue to drive me to a point, but over time I will need to get rid of.
8
SPEAKER_00
The phone is probably one of them, but at this point I m like, okay, that s working for me still right now, but at some point it won t be.
8
SPEAKER_02
And here s the thing.
8
SPEAKER_02
We can have our non-negotiables, right?
8
SPEAKER_02
My non-negotiables are, I don t drink.
8
SPEAKER_02
My non-negotiables are, I don t eat sugar.
8
SPEAKER_02
My non-negotiables are, I take care of my side of the street.
8
SPEAKER_02
Like if I do something or say something inappropriate, I will make amends quickly.
8
SPEAKER_02
So there s certain things in my life that I will, my non-negotiables are, I meditate twice a day.
8
SPEAKER_02
That s a non-negotiable.
8
SPEAKER_02
in a good day, 20 minutes twice a day.
8
SPEAKER_02
I practice transcendental meditation, but I think five minutes twice a day, but I say twice a day, because it s a good morning thing.
8
SPEAKER_02
And then you re an afternoon when you want that coffee, it s important.
8
SPEAKER_02
But those are my non-negotiables.
8
SPEAKER_02
And then there s those windows where I might be like, you know what?
8
SPEAKER_02
I was gossiping last night and that felt good for a minute.
8
SPEAKER_02
And it wasn t cool, but it s not very Gabby Bernstein of me.
8
SPEAKER_02
And my husband will be in the kitchen being like, are you a self-help book author?
8
SPEAKER_02
Or didn t you write a book called Judgment Detox?
8
SPEAKER_02
Real.
8
SPEAKER_01
What do you struggle with now?
8
SPEAKER_01
Like, what is a daily struggle for you that you re trying to work on?
8
SPEAKER_02
I don t struggle.
8
SPEAKER_02
I don t struggle.
8
SPEAKER_02
I m saying this in my own practice right now, right?
8
SPEAKER_02
So I m not struggling, I m redirecting now.
8
SPEAKER_02
So it used to be a daily struggle to be like, I m doing too much, I m taking on too much.
8
SPEAKER_02
The same story that I told you, we ve got our stories and they infiltrate our life.
8
SPEAKER_02
That story was like, I m struggling, I m struggling because I m constantly trying to do everybody else s thing.
8
SPEAKER_02
Now I m in a different place where I m really noticing
8
SPEAKER_02
I m noticing, oh, that s an area where I could use some more help.
8
SPEAKER_02
And I m speaking up for it.
8
SPEAKER_02
And I m saying, hey, could you help me out here?
8
SPEAKER_02
But that was the daily struggle.
8
SPEAKER_01
It s like, I m doing too much.
8
SPEAKER_01
It was that you felt like you were doing too much.
8
SPEAKER_01
You felt too overwhelmed.
8
SPEAKER_02
I felt like I was just taking on too much, taking on the burden of too many things.
8
SPEAKER_01
So now you re just saying no.
8
SPEAKER_02
Not asking for help.
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SPEAKER_02
Now, just as an example, today we re recording in the studio, right in this hour before you guys came.
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And I was like doing my thing, like literally like, you know, producing my show in real time as I m, you know, with my producer and my social media manager and my makeup arts, everybody s here, right?
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And my people online, my whole team s online.
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I ve got a 30 person team, like we re not, you know, doing nothing here.
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And so, but I needed to send people to a URL, but they didn t have the exact URL, right?
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And so normally I d be like, oh, I gotta go look it up on my phone or figure it out right now.
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Instead, I got the URL from them.
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I said the right URL.
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And then I looked at them both with a lot of love and compassion.
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So my producer, it s my social media manager.
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And I said, you guys, I really need you to come with like all the URLs of where we want to let people know that we have free meditations.
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I want every single one written down on a notepad.
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I want you to have it in your backpack.
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I want it on your computer.
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I want it on your phone.
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Just have it.
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I need you to have it for me.
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So you overly communicated in an effective, empathetic, compassionate way.
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In a kind way.
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I want this.
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I need this.
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And it s not, you guys, why isn t it here?
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This is old, Gabby.
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You know, like, what the fuck?
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Why isn t it here?
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Or I ll just get it right now and just like energetically show that I m pissed off, right?
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So that, while it was a struggle, I think now is seeking the solution, right?
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Just being in the moment and saying, hey, like, instead of letting this be a struggle, can you guys make this happen?
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How do you run a team of 30 people?
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And it s sometimes hard as a woman, because you don t want to be called a bitch.
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Yes, and I feel like you re the perfect person to also as a man, you don t want to be called a bitch.
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No, no, but like you re around a lot of female founders.
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I know, you know, a lot of female founders, you re in your team of 30 people.
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How do you mostly women?
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Yeah.
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How do you show up and get it done without people?
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So I used to show up for many, many years up until recently and be
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Gabby and be kind and be generous.
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Also in some ways override myself and be very codependent.
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Like, let me save everybody else.
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And then when nobody was helping me, I d be a bitch, right?
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Energetically, I d be like, oh, this is too overwhelming.
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Why is this happening?
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And I d freak people out.
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And like, I guarantee, you know, I had right in the beginning of COVID, I had five people left right at the beginning of COVID.
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And two of them had been with me for a decade.
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Two of them had worked with me for a decade.
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And you know what?
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Those two people out there who I don t speak to anymore and I love very dearly, I really, they really care about these people.
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They could sit there and be like, yeah, Gabby s a bitch, but they also love me, right?
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They also know that, well, for many years, I might ve been struggling with my own trauma and not being able to handle being flooded or when the email wouldn t go out, I d flip my shit, you know?
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But there s still that side that was always loving and always cool.
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There was a reason they stuck around for 10 years, right?
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So we have to first and foremost recognize that when we don t care about our internal condition and we have unprocessed, unprocessed wounds, we re going to be a bitch because we don t have a way of communicating.
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I think what s so great about you, what I appreciate so much about you is like you are like this self-help guru that I look to, but you also acknowledge your own imperfections.
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I just like squinted when you said guru, and let me say why.
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Okay, maybe, I don t know if guru is the right word.
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But let me just explain to you, it s really answering your question.
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It s that the way that I teach is by healing myself.
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Yes, I love that.
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So I m not perfect.
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I am an awesome fucking person.
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I m an amazing person.
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I m so proud of myself.
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Not because of my accomplishments, not because of these credentials, not because of people s lives who have changed, but because of the work I ve done on myself.
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because I can sit with you right now and you say, what s your daily struggle?
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And I m like, the thing that was
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Because my struggle is actually something that I m using now to perfect, to shine the crystal.
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I don t even see it as a struggle.
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So I think that that ability to sit in the seat of, yeah, these 10 books I ve written, I have worked it.
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I have lived it.
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I have practiced it.
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I walk my talk.
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I can tell you when I ve fucked up.
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I can tell you when I have healed.
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And that to me is the only reason it works.
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It s the only reason I can help people.
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It s a massive self-awareness and acknowledging that you re a work in progress, which to me makes you, it makes, it humanizes you.
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A hundred percent.
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And I think that you, anyone that tells you that you re the guru, like run the other way.
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Right, right.
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Run the other way.
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So what do you, if someone asks, what do you call yourself?
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Self-help?
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A teacher.
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I m a teacher.
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I, I m, I, you know, I, I, I, I m a, I m a channel.
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I m a motivator.
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Where can everyone find all of the stuff you are doing?
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Where should they start?
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Now I m scared.
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Do we have all the links?
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I have the links ingrained in my system.
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But that was a great question.
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Wolf needs the links.
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You were wanting a lot of quick tips.
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You were wanting, and I want to give those to people.
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And you were like, there s people out there that don t want therapy or they re not ready for it.
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I want to give people the gateway into their own personal development.
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Digestible tips.
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Yes.
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So I have a Gabby coaching membership.
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It is the greatest offering I could give to the world.
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Everything is inside of an app.
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It is, I am with you.
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I can be your coach anywhere, anytime.
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For the price of like two hours of regular coaching, you get me to be your coach for a year.
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Wait, so what does that look like?
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Someone goes on and like they- I m getting you in the app today.
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Okay.
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So it s weekly coaching.
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So every week you have me showing up with brand new meditation lesson.
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Cool.
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Very digestible and journaling prompts.
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You have the journal inside of your app.
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There s the get Gabby section.
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So like if you re feeling anxious, you can press a button and you have two minute practice, get Gabby.
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If you re, you know, about to rage, you can press a button, get Gabby.
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If you re feeling you need a confidence boost, press the button, get Gabby.
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If you re, you know, whatever, like there s literally laundry list and I keep adding to it as well.
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Like if you want to, if you re about to pick up a drink or do something addictive, you can get Gabby.
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That section is my favorite part.
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It s like, I can literally be on speed dial for people.
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Really cool.
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Hundreds of hours of meditations, workshops.
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I mean, I ve been doing this 18 years.
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So hundreds of hours of meditations, workshops, and challenges, like my manifesting challenge is coming up in January, 21-day manifesting challenge, body love challenge.
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You ve got a meditation challenge.
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I m going to do an abundance challenge.
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So it s all in this one place and you re getting that weekly coaching, but you re also getting that support every single moment.
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It s amazing.
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Like literally it s, it s awesome.
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People coming off to the end of the street and being like, I just keep getting Gabby.
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I can t, I m so happy I can get Gabby.
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It s really cool.
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Yes.
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It s the Gabby coaching membership and people can try it for seven days.
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And the first seven days I curated to be manifesting.
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So it s a seven day manifesting trial and it s at DearGabby.com forward slash app.
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My favorite part of this entire episode is when you said that you meditate all day.
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You meditate anywhere and that totally pulls back to your app.
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It s like you can just pick up the phone.
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Anytime.
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And not look at it, Michael Bostic.
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Just listen to it.
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Not in the morning, first thing.
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Actually, Michael, if you want to pick up your phone and get blue light in the morning, wake up with me.
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Yeah.
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Wake up with me.
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Wake up with another woman.
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Take a break for me.
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Here s what I m going to do.
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Wake up with another woman.
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I m going to make a meditation for you, Michael.
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And I m going to call it Michael s Wake Up Meditation.
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I promise you, I m doing this.
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I m going to go home and do it when I get back from Texas.
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I m going to do Michael s Wake Up Meditation.
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And I m going to put it in the app.
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And I want you to do it for I want you to do it together for 30 days.
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He will do it.
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I ll do it.
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OK, 30 days.
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I m going to make you a meditate.
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I m literally going to call it Michael s wake up.
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Maybe the audience who gets to do it with them do it like you could even go as far as to call it Michael s no phone.
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Michael s no phone wake up.
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A lot of people do wake up with their phone.
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I think that is an issue.
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And maybe there s a meditation that you can give us to do when you re going to reach for the phone to scroll.
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you re going to reach for the phone anyway.
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So then turn on, get, go to, go to the Gabby coaching membership app and just get right into it.
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I m in 30 days and I ll give it to you.
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And I ll tell you how my heart rate.
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I want to actually, that would be amazing.
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You know, let s test it.
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I swear though.
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We ll do it every day.
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But let me tell you something though.
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My resting heart rate is at like 49.
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It s pretty good.
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And he s just doing good.
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He s doing good.
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I m not stressed.
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I m telling you.
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I feel, I mean, if you would have seen it a few years ago, it would have been like double down.
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I actually want to reflect that back to you is like, I was with you guys four years ago.
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I was in a very different place.
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Like I was just coming out with this trauma book.
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I was really healing.
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So maybe you feel that way from me, but I feel it from you.
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Like you re both like so grounded and so gorgeous and like physically even more beautiful than you were even four years ago.
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So I have to say, and just energetically, like you re in it and you re walking your talk.
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Stay here all day and just throw compliments this way.
9
SPEAKER_01
Wait, why don t you just do that as the meditation of giving him compliments on his hairline.
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You re amazing.
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Your hair, your hair.
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He would love to have the most beautiful hair.
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Maybe like a compliment every like 10 seconds.
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Yes, exactly.
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Well, I really am going to make a Michael s morning.
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Not even Michael s morning, though.
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I think it s Michael s wake up meditation.
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Okay.
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Because it s one thing to say morning.
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I trust your judgment, however you want to do it.
9
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Okay.
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Where can everyone find you?
9
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Pimp your Instagram page out.
9
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Gabby Bernstein.
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Amazing.
9
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And Dear Gabby.
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Dear Gabby s our show.
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Check out the podcast.
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SPEAKER_01
Dear Gabby.
9
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That s our show.
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Yes.
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Go listen to the show.
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Where should someone start?
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What s the episode?
9
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I would say start with the episode, The Beginner s Guide to Manifesting.
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Okay.
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Yeah.
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Okay.
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SPEAKER_01
All right.
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Thank you, Gabby.
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Gabby, come back anytime.
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I love you guys.
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I could talk for hours.
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Appreciate you.
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I love you.
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Thank you.
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That was great.
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Thank you.