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SPEAKER_01
This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol.
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SPEAKER_01
The joy they brought to the nation.
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SPEAKER_00
You re free completely.
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SPEAKER_01
No one is there to destroy you.
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SPEAKER_01
The danger they endured.
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They said my head should be cut off.
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SPEAKER_01
I m John Legend.
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SPEAKER_01
Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
0
SPEAKER_02
Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt, and we re the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
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SPEAKER_03
It s a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
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Like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
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SPEAKER_03
Let s learn about all of it and then some.
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SPEAKER_03
Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on America s number one podcast network, iHeart.
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SPEAKER_03
Open your free iHeart app and search Grown Up Stuff.
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SPEAKER_04
Guess what, Will?
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SPEAKER_04
What s that, Mango?
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SPEAKER_04
I ve been trying to write a promo for our podcast, Part-Time Genius, but even though we ve done over 250 episodes, we don t really talk about murders or cults.
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SPEAKER_04
I mean, we did just cover the Illuminati of cheese, so I feel like that makes us pretty edgy.
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SPEAKER_04
We also solve mysteries like how Chinese is your Chinese food and how do dollar stores make money?
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SPEAKER_04
And then, of course, can you game a dog show?
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SPEAKER_04
So what you re saying is everyone should be listening.
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SPEAKER_04
Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
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SPEAKER_05
You just get blindsided, broke up with, out of the blue.
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SPEAKER_05
And he s like, you did, you do this, you do that.
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SPEAKER_05
And you re like, why didn t you tell me when those things were happening?
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SPEAKER_05
Because feedback is important.
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SPEAKER_00
Hey, everyone.
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SPEAKER_00
Welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world.
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SPEAKER_00
Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow.
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SPEAKER_00
And I m so excited to be talking to you today.
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SPEAKER_00
I can t believe it.
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SPEAKER_00
My new book, Eight Rules of Love, is out, and I cannot wait to share it with you.
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SPEAKER_00
I am so, so excited for you to read this book, for you to listen to this book.
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SPEAKER_00
I read the audiobook.
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SPEAKER_00
If you haven t got it already,
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make sure you go to 8rulesoflove.com.
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SPEAKER_00
It s dedicated to anyone who s trying to find, keep, or let go of love.
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SPEAKER_00
So if you ve got friends that are dating, broken up, or struggling with love, make sure you grab this book.
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SPEAKER_00
And I d love to invite you to come and see me for my global tour, Love Rules.
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SPEAKER_00
go to jscheddytour.com to learn more information about tickets, VIP experiences, and more.
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SPEAKER_00
I can t wait to see you this year.
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SPEAKER_00
And so I ve been loving learning from anyone who has insights, tips, tricks about dating, about love, about relationships, and today s guests are going to give us a lot of that.
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I m talking about the incredible podcasters behind Girls Gotta Eat, a top comedy podcast about dating, intimacy, and relationships, hosted by Ashley Hesseltine and Raina Greenberg.
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Raina and Ashley candidly discuss any and all dating-related topics, ranging from fetishes to finances, and bring in regular guests, including therapists, comedians, doctors, and authors.
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Most recently, Reina and Ashley have launched a new company, and I m so excited to interview them right now.
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The company s called Vibes Only, and they re in the studio right now.
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SPEAKER_00
Ashley and Reina, thank you so much for being here.
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SPEAKER_06
Thank you so much.
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SPEAKER_06
It was such a lovely intro.
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SPEAKER_06
Thank you so much.
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SPEAKER_00
Lovely interview.
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SPEAKER_06
You re doing so great interviewing us.
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SPEAKER_06
Reina does our intro, so she really gets off on what I do.
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SPEAKER_06
Oh, I love it.
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SPEAKER_06
Yeah, wait till we flip it and we get to hype her love language.
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I m going to be like, number one,
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So thank you for having us.
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SPEAKER_06
We re so excited.
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SPEAKER_00
No, I m so excited.
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SPEAKER_00
As I said, my whole team are huge fans.
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SPEAKER_00
Anyone that I told I was going to see you today, they were like, oh my gosh, no way, please say hello.
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SPEAKER_00
So there was so much energy for us to be together.
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SPEAKER_00
And I ve definitely felt like I ve been trying to do more and more of this where, and I think we ll see this when we post about it and talk about it.
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I ve been trying to sit down with people that people don t expect me to sit down with and that people don t expect to sit down with me.
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And I think that s what creates this like really beautiful synergy in getting to know people.
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So I want to get to know you both today.
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I also want all your advice because my audience is constantly looking for advice and tips and tricks.
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SPEAKER_00
But I want to start off with just by saying, how s your day been so far?
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What have you been up to today?
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SPEAKER_00
Anything fun?
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SPEAKER_05
driving through the hills of Hollywood, taking a tour.
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SPEAKER_05
No, we just moved here.
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SPEAKER_05
I mean, I say move loosely, but we re going to be here for a few months, maybe permanently.
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SPEAKER_05
Wow.
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SPEAKER_00
Congrats.
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SPEAKER_05
Just made a new part of LA and meeting you.
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SPEAKER_05
We actually have had a pretty exciting day work-wise.
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SPEAKER_05
We booked some really fun stuff with interviews.
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SPEAKER_05
We have to go back to New York for some things.
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SPEAKER_05
It s been a good day.
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SPEAKER_06
Yeah, we re planning our next leg of our tour.
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SPEAKER_06
We re in London, where you re from, so we re really excited to go there.
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SPEAKER_06
We ll announce that soon.
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SPEAKER_06
Yeah, so we did a lot of really fun stuff because we re releasing really fun things for Valentine s Day for our intimacy company.
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SPEAKER_06
Yes, exactly.
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SPEAKER_00
I love it.
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SPEAKER_00
I love it.
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SPEAKER_06
Yeah, it s been a great day.
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SPEAKER_00
I m like feeling good.
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SPEAKER_00
Where are you staying right now?
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SPEAKER_00
You said you re in a good area.
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SPEAKER_00
Was that specifically where you re staying?
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SPEAKER_05
I m in West Hollywood.
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SPEAKER_00
Okay, yeah.
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SPEAKER_05
She can speak for herself, but she s in Venice.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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I love Venice.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_00
The first time I, me and my wife came here for work, we stayed in Burbank and my wife was just like, oh my gosh, there s nothing to do in LA because we thought Burbank was LA.
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And then the second time we came, we stayed in West Hollywood and my wife was like, oh, this is cool.
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I can go to the gym.
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I can get creation.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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And then by the third time she was like, okay, yeah, we can move there.
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SPEAKER_00
So it took a process.
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SPEAKER_06
It s a hard city to know.
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And I came here so many times and it s just, I feel like most cities we go to like Charleston or Austin or Chicago, I can know it in two days.
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SPEAKER_06
I m like, I get it.
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SPEAKER_06
But LA is so big and so vast or so many areas.
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SPEAKER_06
It takes a minute, but we re really loving it.
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SPEAKER_06
We ve been here for two weeks.
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SPEAKER_06
It s just been really amazing to wait.
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SPEAKER_06
I went to the beach for sunset last night and it s just been really nice.
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SPEAKER_00
I love that.
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SPEAKER_06
And we re going to start dating here.
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SPEAKER_06
So we re really excited.
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SPEAKER_06
Not each other.
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SPEAKER_00
other people.
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SPEAKER_00
Okay.
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SPEAKER_00
Okay.
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SPEAKER_00
Got it.
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SPEAKER_00
All right.
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SPEAKER_00
Let s, let s, let s dive into Dang.
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This is where we come out.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_00
Let s talk about that.
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SPEAKER_06
When we said we were moving to LA, everybody was like, together?
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SPEAKER_06
And we were like, no, we re adults.
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SPEAKER_06
No, but.
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SPEAKER_00
I love that.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_00
Let s, let s talk about that.
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SPEAKER_00
When it comes to Dang, I want to hear what s been the best date you ve ever been on.
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SPEAKER_06
Oh my God, the best.
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SPEAKER_06
So for me, like what defines a good date is not like the activity necessarily, it s just how hard I m laughing with somebody and that I want to go to like the next place, the next place, the next place and just like drink, dinner, whatever.
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SPEAKER_06
I had a really crazy date that was my first date in New York City ever 15 years ago.
0
SPEAKER_06
This guy like picked me up in a car, which is crazy.
0
SPEAKER_06
Don t do that in New York.
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SPEAKER_06
That s a red flag.
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SPEAKER_06
Yeah, it was weird.
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SPEAKER_06
And he took me to Buddha Bar and we just had this like crazy over the top New York.
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SPEAKER_06
I was like, I can t believe I m doing it.
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SPEAKER_06
I m in New York.
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SPEAKER_06
This is a new experience, a new place, this hot guy.
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SPEAKER_06
It s so cool.
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SPEAKER_06
And we just laughed on it and we drank.
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SPEAKER_06
We drank a lot.
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SPEAKER_06
And then we took a car.
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SPEAKER_06
We left his car.
0
SPEAKER_06
We took a car to the airport because we decided we were going to fly to the Caribbean.
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SPEAKER_06
What?
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SPEAKER_05
On the first date?
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SPEAKER_06
On the first date.
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SPEAKER_06
And we went to the airport.
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SPEAKER_05
What were you on?
0
SPEAKER_06
I wasn t sober.
0
SPEAKER_06
We drove out to Newark, and we got to the airport.
0
SPEAKER_06
It was 1 o clock in the morning, and they were like, no flights fly out right now.
0
SPEAKER_05
And we were just like, go back home.
0
SPEAKER_05
If you find yourself in an airport in New Jersey on a first date, something has gone awry.
0
SPEAKER_06
You know me, though.
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SPEAKER_06
I like a person who s a little crazy.
0
SPEAKER_06
So I was like, is this the coolest person I ever met?
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SPEAKER_06
Also, I was 21.
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SPEAKER_06
But I just like somebody who surprises me, it s fun, good conversation.
0
SPEAKER_06
That was like a fun date for me.
0
SPEAKER_06
What s your best date?
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SPEAKER_05
I mean, I had these dates when I first moved to New York that were just epic, where you re
0
SPEAKER_05
you know, in a basement dancing and then you go have like sake and sushi somewhere and you end up with late night tacos.
0
SPEAKER_05
You start on a rooftop, like all these epic dates.
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SPEAKER_05
Like I really love dating there and going out with guys that were like showing me the city.
0
SPEAKER_05
I mean, I ve been to New York a million times, but I always say it s a really great way to get to know a city is to have people take you out.
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SPEAKER_05
So guys would take me to all these places and I would take dates there later and just act like I was this cool girl who knew my way around the city so well.
0
SPEAKER_05
But I mean,
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SPEAKER_05
It s just, it feels like it s so obvious.
0
SPEAKER_05
Like the best date I ve ever been on was probably with like the person I fell the most in love with.
0
SPEAKER_05
Like the first date that was like so casual, it was a day date.
0
SPEAKER_05
Raina s probably gonna roast me for this, but.
0
SPEAKER_05
She loves a day date.
0
SPEAKER_05
You know, I like showed up.
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SPEAKER_05
We have the complexion for it though.
0
SPEAKER_05
He showed up, he was already eating because he was nervous.
0
SPEAKER_05
I was like, this is off to a terrible start, you know?
0
SPEAKER_05
And it was like, should have been so bad.
0
SPEAKER_05
But you re sitting there with someone where you re like, oh, this is the real deal.
0
SPEAKER_05
So it s like, yeah, as horny as it sounds, that s probably the best date where you leave it and you re like, okay, this is it probably.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
0
SPEAKER_00
All right.
0
SPEAKER_00
What s the worst date you ve ever been on?
0
SPEAKER_00
Because I know you can have some.
0
SPEAKER_00
What s that?
0
SPEAKER_06
Thank you for asking.
0
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I have to go.
0
SPEAKER_06
I try to not look at any, like so many of our listeners are like, I don t want to go on bad dates.
0
SPEAKER_06
It s like, at least you walk away with a story.
0
SPEAKER_06
So that s like the positive is that even if you re there, as long as you feel safe, if somebody s acting a little bit like crazy and an idiot, I ll stay.
0
SPEAKER_06
I m like, I ll see this through.
0
SPEAKER_06
The worst date I think I ve been on was right when we started the podcast.
0
SPEAKER_06
I had met this guy at a bar a few nights ago and he had asked me out, so he d met me before.
0
SPEAKER_06
This is not like an online date.
0
SPEAKER_06
We picked this dive bar to go to because they were supposed to have the best burgers.
0
SPEAKER_06
He said he d never had them.
0
SPEAKER_06
I was like, oh, we got to go there.
0
SPEAKER_06
That ll be such a fun date.
0
SPEAKER_06
He didn t confirm the date, the day of, and I was like, this is already like kind of rude.
0
SPEAKER_06
I showed up, he was already there, and he d gotten himself a drink, and it was pouring down rain.
0
SPEAKER_06
So I walk in, he got himself a drink.
1
SPEAKER_00
I bought myself a drink and I walk up to the bar and I order a drink and it s all cash.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so I looked at him, this is a dive bar, the drinks were $6.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I looked at him because I thought maybe he would like buy me the drink.
1
SPEAKER_00
And he was like, there s an ATM like down the street.
1
SPEAKER_00
In the rain.
1
SPEAKER_00
I had to go get my own money.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I was like, I guess I ll just saddle up and stay.
1
SPEAKER_00
And you did.
1
SPEAKER_02
You went there and came back.
1
SPEAKER_00
Oh yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
I went, I got the, I got the cash.
1
SPEAKER_00
Had we started the podcast?
1
SPEAKER_00
We talked about this on the podcast, we did an episode about how to lose a girl in one day.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s the beauty of what we do.
1
SPEAKER_01
You just stay for the story.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I just stay for the story.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m like, I ll actually pick the tab.
1
SPEAKER_02
But that s since the podcast started, not before the podcast.
1
SPEAKER_01
But I ve always done comedy, so I m like, it s always... It s good, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
The worst dates are the best dates for the
1
SPEAKER_00
For the stage, yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
But anyway, sorry.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, he interrupted me constantly and asked me any questions about myself.
1
SPEAKER_00
Anytime I would talk for any long 60 seconds about myself, he looked so bored.
1
SPEAKER_00
He just couldn t be bothered.
1
SPEAKER_00
He was just rude.
1
SPEAKER_00
He wasn t engaged at all.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then somebody came up and recognized me, because I used to be a food blogger.
1
SPEAKER_00
And this guy was like, oh my god, I follow you.
1
SPEAKER_00
And that guy walked away.
1
SPEAKER_00
And I was like, that s so cool.
1
SPEAKER_00
like nobody ever recognized me back and that was so cool to me.
1
SPEAKER_00
And he just jumped right back into his story, like no acknowledgement of like, that s so neat that you re, you know, people are a fan of your work.
1
SPEAKER_00
He just was like rude to start to finish.
1
SPEAKER_00
And then he insisted that I split every single round at the bar with him.
1
SPEAKER_00
And Ashley and I have mixed feelings about paying on dates.
1
SPEAKER_00
I don t want you to make it weird.
1
SPEAKER_00
I don t think that anybody owes me money, but I don t want you to be so rude to me, especially again, thanks for $6.
1
SPEAKER_00
So yes, he was rude.
1
SPEAKER_00
He didn t ask questions.
1
SPEAKER_00
I just didn t feel a vibe.
1
SPEAKER_00
That s probably the worst date I ve ever been on.
1
SPEAKER_00
We never talked again.
1
SPEAKER_02
Until yesterday.
1
SPEAKER_01
They re actually back together.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
He moved here with us.
1
SPEAKER_01
Am I?
1
SPEAKER_01
Is it probably like the voice, the catfish voice?
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_02
That s pretty funny.
1
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_02
I need to know this.
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_01
So this, I guess it just started this rule of me not going on a date.
1
SPEAKER_01
It actually kind of stopped me getting on the apps probably.
1
SPEAKER_01
This might ve been one of the very last app dates I did.
1
SPEAKER_01
I actually came back to New York from
1
SPEAKER_01
quarantine COVID times, I was at my parents  house.
1
SPEAKER_01
And when things felt safe enough and people were going out and having patio dates, I was on the streets.
1
SPEAKER_01
I was in FEMA tents on the street having dates.
1
SPEAKER_01
I was like, what are we doing out here?
1
SPEAKER_01
That s all you could do.
1
SPEAKER_01
But I think people really wanted that connection.
1
SPEAKER_01
They d been inside for so long.
1
SPEAKER_01
So they were doing whatever it took.
1
SPEAKER_01
I felt like it was a fun time to date.
1
SPEAKER_01
It was like the people that were in New York were ready to be out there.
1
SPEAKER_01
A lot of people had broken up in the pandemic.
1
SPEAKER_01
that, you know, late summer into the fall and then it kind of shut down again in the winter of 2020.
1
SPEAKER_01
It was like a dating time, but we were all just out on the literal streets.
1
SPEAKER_01
And so there were a few times where I was like, I can t do this anymore.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m just like drinking sake out of a plastic cup.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s 30 degrees out.
1
SPEAKER_01
Like what is my life?
1
SPEAKER_01
I have a space heater by my feet, like I can t in a tent, you know, like these little like structures that they built.
1
SPEAKER_01
But this one really set the tone for, I m not going out with strangers anymore, that I haven t heard their voice.
1
SPEAKER_01
I haven t seen them walk and talk.
1
SPEAKER_01
And this guy, we had such good banter.
1
SPEAKER_01
Remember, we were bantering all throughout the election, the election that lasted a week long before we got the results.
1
SPEAKER_01
So we were texting all week and his banter was on point.
1
SPEAKER_01
He looked really cute in his pictures.
1
SPEAKER_01
He was tall and had a job.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I was like, what s the catch here?
1
SPEAKER_01
Because if you re a woman who dates in New York City for quite some time, you know that there s going to be a catch.
1
SPEAKER_01
There just is.
1
SPEAKER_01
you know, like what s going to be wrong with this guy?
1
SPEAKER_01
And he walked up, we met on the street to walk to this bar.
1
SPEAKER_01
He looked just like his photos.
1
SPEAKER_01
I m like, what s it going to be?
1
SPEAKER_01
When he spoke, it was the voice of Michael Jackson.
1
SPEAKER_01
It was the most soft,
1
SPEAKER_01
It was Michael Jackson.
1
SPEAKER_01
I mean, it was the softest, most feminine, teeny tiny voice on a 6 6 man.
1
SPEAKER_01
And I was like, there it is.
1
SPEAKER_01
And so we go, we sit at this place.
1
SPEAKER_01
I ve never felt so much like I was pulling teeth.
1
SPEAKER_01
Remember at one point we were talking about candles.
1
SPEAKER_01
I was like, I m on a date talking about my favorite candle.
1
SPEAKER_01
Something has gone wrong here.
1
SPEAKER_01
He was telling me how he broke up with this girl.
1
SPEAKER_01
They had a pumpkin carving contest.
1
SPEAKER_01
I was like, this is insane.
1
SPEAKER_01
I actually went to the bathroom in the standard in the East village and took like a sexy selfie in the mirror for myself.
1
SPEAKER_01
Like that s what the point that I was at that I needed to feel myself because I was on this terrible date and we had one drink and I insisted on splitting the bill just to let him know that he was in the friend zone and we never spoke.
1
SPEAKER_02
That was it, it was just his voice.
1
SPEAKER_01
His whole energy.
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t know that I could have got past that voice, but I can get past a not great voice, but the energy was completely off.
1
SPEAKER_01
Like I was, it was not, it was not it.
1
SPEAKER_01
And that s kind of, you know, we can talk today about whatever you want, but like when people always ask us about app dating versus meeting people in the wild, and that s one of the reasons it doesn t work because you don t have a vibe for a person.
1
SPEAKER_01
You haven t seen how they interact in the world, how they walk, how they talk.
1
SPEAKER_01
If you re attracted to the way they smell or,
1
SPEAKER_01
their posture, you know, little things like that you don t know through photos on an app.
1
SPEAKER_01
So that was a prime example.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
And we really support online dating and not everybody has the option to be out all the time like we do.
1
SPEAKER_00
And Ashley s in comedy clubs, she s a comedian, you know, not everybody has the option to do that.
1
SPEAKER_00
But we really encourage people to push themselves to be out into the world as much as they can and make eye contact with somebody at a bar that you think is cute.
1
SPEAKER_00
Ask questions, say yes to everything.
1
SPEAKER_00
If you re the kind of person that s like, I m single, I don t want to be, then put yourself in situations to meet people.
1
SPEAKER_00
I ve had really good luck just meeting people in the wild.
1
SPEAKER_00
Everybody I ve ever dated has been somebody I ve met in the wild.
1
SPEAKER_00
I ve gone on like two dating app dates in my life.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s just not for me.
1
SPEAKER_00
I get fatigued shopping for people.
1
SPEAKER_00
People are like, how was your day?
1
SPEAKER_00
And I m like, oh, I don t care about this.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I just encourage people to like just get out more.
1
SPEAKER_00
Even if that means like typically you work inside your home all day long, go work at a coffee shop.
1
SPEAKER_00
I worked at Intelligentsia Coffee on Sunday morning and I like met so many people.
1
SPEAKER_00
And it s just, it s not easy for everybody and you put yourself out there.
1
SPEAKER_00
But if, if your pain point is I m single and I don t want to be, then you have to put yourself in situations to not be.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, absolutely.
1
SPEAKER_02
I haven t, so I haven t dated for, and I don t need to, obviously I m married.
1
SPEAKER_02
I haven t dated and you re like, I m taking a break right now.
1
SPEAKER_01
You re like, I m taking a break right now from dating.
1
SPEAKER_02
No, that s what I was just clarifying.
1
SPEAKER_02
I haven t dated for 14 years because I was a monk for three years and then got married to my wife.
1
SPEAKER_02
Well, no, so I started dating my wife 10 years ago.
1
SPEAKER_02
I dated 10 years ago, 10 years ago, but apps weren t a thing when I started dating.
1
SPEAKER_02
So we met through my sister who happened to be our wing person.
1
SPEAKER_02
She s like really close friends with my wife now.
1
SPEAKER_02
And she was friends with her before and she s one of my best friends too, so she did the work.
1
SPEAKER_02
But I always wonder, like, the closest experience I ve had to it is trying to recruit during the pandemic.
1
SPEAKER_02
So when I was hiring people and doing interviews over Zoom or interviews over the phone, I was just like, wow, I m getting no energy from this person.
1
SPEAKER_02
Like, I m not understanding.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s impossible to tell.
1
SPEAKER_02
Someone could have the best energy, but through Zoom, you could never tell.
1
SPEAKER_02
And so that s the closest I can relate to that.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m intrigued by what you re saying because you re saying go to places.
1
SPEAKER_02
Everyone has that one friend who s always trying to set them up.
1
SPEAKER_02
Do you have that one friend, both of you?
1
SPEAKER_00
I feel like all of our friends, if they knew an awesome guy, they would date that person.
1
SPEAKER_00
But we do ask our friends, we ve talked about this a lot on the podcast.
1
SPEAKER_00
telling your friends, I would like to be set up and like letting them know, I d like you to think of me for this because not everybody thinks that you want that.
1
SPEAKER_00
And they, some people think it might be insulting to suggest that.
1
SPEAKER_01
Well, we did a whole episode on it because it s such an art form to setting people up.
1
SPEAKER_01
And what we, what we hate the most is like, you re single, they re single.
1
SPEAKER_01
You guys should be together.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s an insult.
1
SPEAKER_01
It s like, what does that even mean?
1
SPEAKER_01
Like just two people existing in the world, they, they re going to match.
1
SPEAKER_01
So I think that it s nice when you have friends that actually think about who you are as a person, who they have that might be a fit, but I,
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_01
You know, it s funny because I love that your sister set you and your wife up.
1
SPEAKER_01
My brother did kind of set me up with somebody and we went on a few dates and it was great while it was and we re still fine.
1
SPEAKER_01
But it was, had it worked out, I would have loved that story that someone that s so close to me set me up with his, essentially his best friend s brother-in-law.
1
SPEAKER_01
You know, it was that kind of thing.
1
SPEAKER_01
He knew where I was from.
1
SPEAKER_01
We knew the same people.
1
SPEAKER_01
So when people like that are really close to you and really get you, I think those are the best type of people to set you up.
1
SPEAKER_01
But like Raina said, I mean, there s also people that have no idea that you re looking or you d be into it.
1
SPEAKER_01
So I don t think there s anything wrong with
1
SPEAKER_01
telling everybody you know that I m wanting to be set up.
1
SPEAKER_01
If you know anybody, why not make, you know, shoot your shot?
1
SPEAKER_02
Should we throw it out right now on the show?
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_02
If anyone s watching, what should we tell them?
1
SPEAKER_00
I m trying to date Dave Bautista.
1
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
1
SPEAKER_02
Dave, if you listen to the show.
1
SPEAKER_00
He might!
1
SPEAKER_02
I don t know, he might.
1
SPEAKER_02
Who knows?
1
SPEAKER_02
If anyone knows Dave.
1
SPEAKER_01
Okay, can I go?
1
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, this is for both of you.
1
SPEAKER_02
So this is what I want you to do.
1
SPEAKER_02
What do you want?
1
SPEAKER_02
Who is it?
1
SPEAKER_02
What do you want?
1
SPEAKER_02
What are you looking for?
1
SPEAKER_02
And then what are you bringing to the game?
1
SPEAKER_00
I m going to manifest Dave Bautista.
1
SPEAKER_00
I like a big guy that s bald with a beard.
1
SPEAKER_00
Can we talk about the origin story?
1
SPEAKER_00
Basically, Reina started hooking up with the security guards at our shows and that became her type.
1
SPEAKER_00
One security guard, okay, and he s really big.
1
SPEAKER_00
At your own shows.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_00
I mean, if they can protect the stage, you know, I m going to pay them back.
1
SPEAKER_00
And so I like guys with tattoo sleeves, somebody that can make me laugh.
1
SPEAKER_00
We always talk about ranking what you want in a person.
1
SPEAKER_00
Looks are my number one.
1
SPEAKER_00
No, I m just kidding.
1
SPEAKER_00
I think my number one is somebody that I m just inspired by the way you live your life.
1
SPEAKER_00
So whatever that is, I want to be excited to hear about your day.
1
SPEAKER_00
I want to be like, that is dope what you have going on.
1
SPEAKER_00
So whatever that is,
2
SPEAKER_05
is.
2
SPEAKER_05
That s my number one thing, I think.
2
SPEAKER_05
And I want to like laugh.
2
SPEAKER_05
I want to be, I want to be inspired by the people you surround yourself with, what you do all day long.
2
SPEAKER_05
So that, but if you re bald to the beard and tattoo sleeves, also if you re- And your name s Dave.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_05
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_05
That s what I- Miles Teller, if you re listening.
2
SPEAKER_01
Okay, okay.
2
SPEAKER_01
We ve got a few Miles Teller fans in the office too.
2
SPEAKER_01
I love a Philly guy.
2
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, go birds.
2
SPEAKER_04
I mean, I want somebody that – the same things.
2
SPEAKER_04
I always say I want to look up to someone in some way.
2
SPEAKER_04
Again, like I don t need to be inspired every day, but I want to be able to learn something from you and be challenged and entertained because I really have such a full life, so I need someone to enhance a life that s already very fulfilling and someone that lets me be me.
2
SPEAKER_04
do this.
2
SPEAKER_04
I do stand-up comedy.
2
SPEAKER_04
We re really successful.
2
SPEAKER_04
It can be intimidating, I guess, but I just don t ever want to feel like I need to minimize myself or be a lesser version of myself or tone down my personality or not share my successes with somebody.
2
SPEAKER_04
That s kind of what I m looking for.
2
SPEAKER_04
Miles, is that you?
2
SPEAKER_04
Miles, are you there?
2
SPEAKER_04
Also, if you were a Top Gun or whatever, I don t know.
2
SPEAKER_05
You re trying to date Tom.
2
SPEAKER_05
Ashley said this thing really early on in the podcast, I think you said it, I didn t say it, that you want to find somebody that feels like home.
2
SPEAKER_05
And that s really what I want, is somebody that s just like, I m so comfortable with you.
2
SPEAKER_05
Being with you, I can just exactly be myself.
2
SPEAKER_05
And like you said, I don t have to shrink myself, make myself smaller.
2
SPEAKER_05
I m humble, but I want to be able to hype myself.
2
SPEAKER_05
And how hard I work.
2
SPEAKER_05
I don t come from anything.
2
SPEAKER_05
I don t come from money.
2
SPEAKER_05
So everything that Ashley and I have, we built ourselves.
2
SPEAKER_05
So I want to be able to hype myself and I want to come home and feel like comfort that you re there.
2
SPEAKER_05
I want you to be my first con.
2
SPEAKER_05
I want to, I can like lean on you.
2
SPEAKER_05
I have a large list, but you know what?
2
SPEAKER_04
It s good.
2
SPEAKER_04
Should I get my list out?
2
SPEAKER_04
I have an iPhone.
2
SPEAKER_04
Also, I want you to have a motorcycle, tattoos, all the things.
2
SPEAKER_04
Those are surface levels.
2
SPEAKER_05
But I also expect that I will bring a lot to the table.
2
SPEAKER_05
I think that sometimes you hear people being like, I want this and this and this.
2
SPEAKER_05
And it s like, okay, but do you bring a lot to the table also for your partner?
2
SPEAKER_01
That s what I was about to ask that question.
2
SPEAKER_05
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_05
And so I think I do.
2
SPEAKER_05
And I think that I m a really caring, loving person.
2
SPEAKER_05
I m fun.
2
SPEAKER_05
Ashley and I have so many friends.
2
SPEAKER_05
Like, oh my God, you have so many friends.
2
SPEAKER_05
And yeah, I think your life would be good.
2
SPEAKER_01
What do you bring to the table?
2
SPEAKER_04
What don t I bring to the table?
2
SPEAKER_04
No, I mean, I think, you know, I want some, I don t want children and I, marriage, I could take it or leave it, especially because I don t want children.
2
SPEAKER_04
I think that s what is a big, you know, not everybody s reason, but a reason why I think
2
SPEAKER_04
people should get married if they want to, you know, so I want someone that just wants to live a fun life.
2
SPEAKER_04
That s not too dependent on me.
2
SPEAKER_04
We can support each other.
2
SPEAKER_04
There s no like codependency or fixer upper type of situation.
2
SPEAKER_04
Like I want someone that s kind of already fully formed.
2
SPEAKER_04
That s living their own independent life that we can come together and live that life together.
2
SPEAKER_04
So,
2
SPEAKER_04
I have an awesome life.
2
SPEAKER_04
I think that it s really fun to talk to us, to be around us, to come see us perform if you want to, to travel the world, to do all these things.
2
SPEAKER_04
I am also a caring, nurturing person.
2
SPEAKER_04
I m a good listener.
2
SPEAKER_04
I can make you laugh.
2
SPEAKER_04
I have a great family.
2
SPEAKER_04
People really just want to be around me for my family, quite honestly.
2
SPEAKER_05
It s a huge selling point.
2
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, it s a huge, huge selling point.
2
SPEAKER_04
I have a new nephew named Jay, so that s my favorite name, just so you know.
2
SPEAKER_04
But yeah, I think I bring a lot to the table.
2
SPEAKER_04
I think I would be a really great partner and I think that I have gotten to a point where
2
SPEAKER_04
I m a much better partner than I would have been five years ago, even, I mean, 10 years ago, of course, but just even what we ve been able to learn in the podcast and about ourselves and how to be a good partner and the things that you look back on, again, five, 10 years ago, three years ago, last year, and you were like, that s not the sign of a healthy relationship or that s not how to be a supportive partner.
2
SPEAKER_04
This is when you re...
2
SPEAKER_04
feeling competitive with your partner, you re not on the same team, there s contempt, there s jealousy, all these different things.
2
SPEAKER_04
And so I feel as though I m in such a great place to be a much better partner than I have been in the past.
2
SPEAKER_04
And that is something that I want this year.
2
SPEAKER_04
we talked about on our episode, the first episode of the year and what our goals are.
2
SPEAKER_04
And that s really what I m manifesting.
2
SPEAKER_04
And I haven t really said that before.
2
SPEAKER_04
It s been very like last year it was like, I want to have more sex actually.
2
SPEAKER_04
And then I actually did like before that it was like, I just don t feel like I have room right now in my life for somebody.
2
SPEAKER_04
Everything feels pretty full.
2
SPEAKER_04
It s like at capacity and I don t really want to be bothered.
2
SPEAKER_04
And so I do feel like I m at a place that even though we are super busy and I do feel quote unquote full, I can make the space for somebody.
2
SPEAKER_01
I love that.
2
SPEAKER_01
I love how self-aware those answers are.
2
SPEAKER_01
And it s beautiful to have that, right?
2
SPEAKER_01
I think so often we ask someone in our lives like, oh, well, what are you bringing to the table?
2
SPEAKER_01
And it s kind of a hard question to answer for a lot of people.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like people struggle with that because it s not what we ve been trained to believe.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like we ve been trained to believe you should know what you want in someone, but not what you bring.
2
SPEAKER_01
And so I love hearing both your answers and I hope that we ve just manifested what you both want here on this show right now.
2
SPEAKER_01
So if Miles or Dave ever call,
2
SPEAKER_01
Guess what, Bango?
2
SPEAKER_06
What s up, Will?
2
SPEAKER_06
So iHeart is giving us a whole minute to promote our podcast, Part-Time Genius.
2
SPEAKER_02
I know, that s why I spent my whole week composing a haiku for the occasion.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s about my emotional journey in podcasting over the last seven years, and it s called Earthquake House.
2
SPEAKER_03
Mango, I m going to cut you off right there.
2
SPEAKER_02
Why don t we just tell people about our show instead?
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, that s a better idea.
2
SPEAKER_02
So every week on Part-Time Genius, we feed our curiosity by answering the world s most important questions.
2
SPEAKER_02
Things like, when did America start dialing 911?
2
SPEAKER_02
Is William Shatner s best acting work in Esperanto?
2
SPEAKER_02
Also, what happened to Esperanto?
2
SPEAKER_03
Plus, we cover questions like how Chinese is your Chinese food?
2
SPEAKER_03
How do dollar stores stay in business?
2
SPEAKER_03
And of course, is there an Illuminati of cheese?
2
SPEAKER_03
There absolutely is.
2
SPEAKER_02
And we are risking our lives by talking about it.
2
SPEAKER_02
But if you love mind-blowing facts, incredible history and really bad jokes, make your brains happy and tune in to Part-Time Genius.
2
SPEAKER_03
Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
2
SPEAKER_00
A new season of Bridgerton is here.
2
SPEAKER_00
And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m your host, Gabrielle Collins.
2
SPEAKER_00
And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the ton.
2
SPEAKER_00
Colin Bridgerton has returned from his travels abroad.
2
SPEAKER_00
Is Betrothal written in the stars for the eligible bachelor?
2
SPEAKER_00
Meanwhile, the ton is reverberating with speculation of who holds Lady Whistledown s pen.
2
SPEAKER_00
We re discussing it all.
2
SPEAKER_00
I sit down with Nicola Coughlin, Luke Newton, Shonda Rhimes, and more to offer an exclusive peek behind the scenes of each episode of the new season.
2
SPEAKER_00
Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
2
SPEAKER_00
Then, fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
2
SPEAKER_00
Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.
2
SPEAKER_01
because I think today we re living at a time where everyone s having varying degrees of success in their own way.
2
SPEAKER_01
You re seeing more people experience fame.
2
SPEAKER_01
You re seeing more people experience success.
2
SPEAKER_01
You re seeing more people experience financial stability.
2
SPEAKER_01
You just have a lot more people having a lot more variety of experiences in this way.
2
SPEAKER_01
Have you found it harder to date as you become more successful?
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, you think?
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, exactly.
2
SPEAKER_01
And so I want to know, what are the kind of troubles you ve been having this time around?
2
SPEAKER_01
And is there a part of you that s like,
2
SPEAKER_01
I d have let one go away earlier and I shouldn t have.
2
SPEAKER_05
I mean, I feel like a lot of people say to us, are men intimidated by my success, by the money I make?
2
SPEAKER_05
And to those people, I say, what s the alternative?
2
SPEAKER_05
You re going to be less successful because maybe you ll get a partner.
2
SPEAKER_05
You re going to make less money because perhaps somebody will end up with you.
2
SPEAKER_05
That s not the answer to this.
2
SPEAKER_05
Yes, of course, as a woman, it s the inverse.
2
SPEAKER_05
Men make more money.
2
SPEAKER_05
They become more successful.
2
SPEAKER_05
Everybody wants you.
2
SPEAKER_05
Women, your dating opportunities do not grow.
2
SPEAKER_05
in tandem the way a man s probably would.
2
SPEAKER_01
Right.
2
SPEAKER_01
So it s more that way.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s more the fact that it s intimidating as opposed to people wanting to take advantage or use your network and connect.
2
SPEAKER_05
I think that your dating pool just shrinks, you know, and you don t want to put yourself in situations where you re competitive with your partner in a negative way, where your success emasculates somebody.
2
SPEAKER_05
You re constantly thinking, is my success emasculating this person?
2
SPEAKER_05
Um, but I just, I think your pool gets smaller for sure, but that doesn t mean I would ever stop what I m doing.
2
SPEAKER_05
You know, what s, what s the alternative.
2
SPEAKER_05
Um,
2
SPEAKER_05
And I have to be conscious about how I speak about my life, how I speak about money we make, success we have, but I m not going to pretend it doesn t exist either.
2
SPEAKER_05
I just have to be mindful to be humble.
2
SPEAKER_01
And have you seen people be turned off if they don t know who you are and then you re on a date and then they figure it out?
2
SPEAKER_05
What turned off?
2
SPEAKER_05
Somebody asked us the other day if like we would talk about what we do on a first date.
2
SPEAKER_05
And I would say the name of the podcast.
2
SPEAKER_05
I wouldn t be like it s one of the number one dating and relationship podcasts in the United States.
2
SPEAKER_05
I wouldn t lead with that.
2
SPEAKER_05
But not turned off people are usually excited.
2
SPEAKER_05
Or maybe they re turned off and that s why it doesn t work out.
2
SPEAKER_05
They just don t say it to your face.
2
SPEAKER_05
Maybe.
2
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_05
I mean one person one time said to me, you re too public for me.
2
SPEAKER_05
I would never date somebody like you.
2
SPEAKER_05
And it really hurt.
2
SPEAKER_05
I remember leaving the date and like crying on the street.
2
SPEAKER_05
It like really hurt my feelings.
2
SPEAKER_05
But that s okay.
2
SPEAKER_05
That s not my person.
3
SPEAKER_01
And, you know, listen, we all bring baggage to a relationship.
3
SPEAKER_01
That s my baggage.
3
SPEAKER_01
I think that, you know, we love this special from Ali Wong where she talks about specifically women in comedy, like the way you re a woman on stage, you re talking about sex, like your dating pool is shrinking.
3
SPEAKER_01
A man on stage with a microphone, his dating pool is growing as he speaks, you know, so it s really the inverse.
3
SPEAKER_01
And that special spoke to me like nothing else in my life as a female comedian.
3
SPEAKER_01
But I also just think part of it s the bar gets higher when your life gets more dope.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s like you got to bring more.
3
SPEAKER_01
We have this friend of ours, she s so funny, Marie Faustin, she s a comedian.
3
SPEAKER_01
She did this just random reel or TikTok one time.
3
SPEAKER_01
She was like, if I m single at
3
SPEAKER_01
40, the bar is so much higher because at this point I ve been with myself.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so I m happy in my life where it is now.
3
SPEAKER_01
And that may not speak to everybody, but it does feel like Rain and I have achieved our true dream life.
3
SPEAKER_01
We feel as though we have such a purpose and we re able to help people every day.
3
SPEAKER_01
And the emails we get are such an honor and we get to tour the world and make people laugh.
3
SPEAKER_01
And it s so
3
SPEAKER_01
good as it is.
3
SPEAKER_01
So it would really be someone that is going to enhance any of that to fit in our life.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I don t say that in like a, we re so picky, the bar is so high, but it just is more.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, no, that s coming across.
3
SPEAKER_01
So those two things together and yeah, I mean, and it s just, you know, the way of the world, it s just, you re a woman, you re like, you re, you get older and just as sad as it is, your dating pool shrinks in that way too, you know?
3
SPEAKER_02
I think that being in love is the best feeling in the world and I miss it and I love being in love, but also one of the best feelings in the world is like any email that somebody sends to us that says like, you helped me to make my life better.
3
SPEAKER_02
You helped me to do anything, ask for a raise, leave an abusive relationship, strengthen a relationship I didn t want to lose, talk to my mother in a better, like I get choked up when I think about the things people have said to us.
3
SPEAKER_02
Like your voices have filled my homes with sound.
3
SPEAKER_02
When like my pet died, I get like so emotional.
3
SPEAKER_02
I know that we have changed people s lives.
3
SPEAKER_02
You ve touched people in such a deep way.
3
SPEAKER_02
And I can t imagine anything feeling better than that.
3
SPEAKER_02
So in the interim, while I m single, while I don t have anybody, you just have to make your life good.
3
SPEAKER_02
So maybe you don t have a giant podcast, you can reach all these people, but like you can go make friends, go find hobbies, go find other ways to give your life meaning and joy.
3
SPEAKER_02
And that s what you do when you re single.
3
SPEAKER_02
And then when you find somebody, like how dope is it that you re like a great person now?
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, no, I love that.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s coming across very strong.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t think I m listening to both of you.
3
SPEAKER_00
I just, the reason why I ve been going down this question trail is because I m hoping that everyone who s listening and watching is going, oh yeah, that s, I can aspire for that, right?
3
SPEAKER_00
Like, that s the point that everyone can aspire for that, to feel whole, to feel complete, to feel like their life s so awesome that someone s got to bring some value to really get in on it.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like, what a great place to be.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like, that s the biggest achievement of all, right?
3
SPEAKER_00
Like, regardless of all the other success that you ve had, which is phenomenal in and of itself,
3
SPEAKER_00
I think it s amazing to think that you re sitting here expressing confidence at a level that you don t always experience, even from people who ve made it, right?
3
SPEAKER_00
So that s, it s amazing.
3
SPEAKER_00
Honestly, I m telling you that like sitting opposite you right now, I m like, wow, it s, it s incredible to feel, yeah, my life s dope.
3
SPEAKER_00
My life s amazing.
3
SPEAKER_00
And, and someone s going to add value to it.
3
SPEAKER_00
What are some of the mistakes that you think people make early on?
3
SPEAKER_00
while they re dating someone, especially when it comes to that self-worth, self-esteem piece, because I think you re coming at it from this, we ve been working on ourselves, but often we find it s the opposite where people dive into relationships when they re lonely, when they want to be dependent on someone, when they feel that they re inadequate, that s why they re alone.
3
SPEAKER_00
So what are some of the mistakes you ve seen people make early on?
3
SPEAKER_01
just not working on the fear of being alone and loneliness.
3
SPEAKER_01
I guess those can be two different things.
3
SPEAKER_01
So you enter into a relationship with such a desperate need to have someone fill a gap or make you feel worthy or make you feel value.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so
3
SPEAKER_01
Those are big things.
3
SPEAKER_01
Those just require a lot of work, but they trickle down into the way that you act and the way that you feel so desperate if you don t get that text back or that someone doesn t like you.
3
SPEAKER_01
One of the things that I can t stop thinking about that I was listening to you with a recent guest that you had on Humble the Poet, and I m sure you ve talked about this before, is going into situations, I think men do this a little bit more than women, but I think women do it too,
3
SPEAKER_01
just wanting them to like you and not even thinking about if you like them or if they would be a good match for you.
3
SPEAKER_01
So you ve got come down this road of like, you ve tried so hard to, to feel wanted, to feel desired and not rejected that you haven t even stopped to think if the person would be a good partner or if you even like them.
3
SPEAKER_00
yeah you know so and how do you avoid that when someone s telling you stuff like oh my god you re beautiful like you re so smart you re so intelligent like how do you avoid kind of enjoying that even what we re talking about earlier like when you were saying like you want to be in a place where you feel like home and i love that definition of like a home love or you know it s
3
SPEAKER_00
I think that s a feeling everyone wants, but it s hard because when we walk into a dating scenario, most of the time we re trying to impress each other.
3
SPEAKER_00
We dress our best.
3
SPEAKER_00
We look our best.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like, that s not really comfortable because, you know, that in the sense of you don t look like that all the time or you wouldn t set yourself up like that all the time.
3
SPEAKER_00
So how do you even, A, how do you deal with someone who is actually validating you and it feels good?
3
SPEAKER_00
And inversely, the other side, like, how do you make sure that you are actually finding out whether you re comfortable with someone at what stage?
3
SPEAKER_02
So I think that we should be allowed to enjoy things, right?
3
SPEAKER_02
You don t have to go into every day being like, oh, they love bombing me.
3
SPEAKER_02
Is this too much?
3
SPEAKER_02
Is this not enough?
3
SPEAKER_02
What was the exact amount of time they spent before they texted me?
3
SPEAKER_02
I think we are allowed to just enjoy things sometimes and take it one date at a time, one moment at a time.
3
SPEAKER_02
I think that in order to sidestep putting so many eggs in this basket, essentially, and making this so important,
3
SPEAKER_02
we do, we should do what I was saying before, which is build out a life around yourself.
3
SPEAKER_02
So you have friends, you have hobbies, you like what you do for work so that this one person isn t so, you don t depend on them so much to be your whole world.
3
SPEAKER_02
It s not so, this date s not so important.
3
SPEAKER_02
You know, every date should just be fun and you should enjoy yourself.
3
SPEAKER_02
And hopefully you have other stuff to fall back on, you have other plans this weekend, you have other things you can sink your teeth into.
3
SPEAKER_02
And it just doesn t mean so much, you know, like every single thing is not riding on this date.
3
SPEAKER_02
I think that we should be cautiously optimistic, but also not so hard on ourselves when somebody lies to us or manipulates us.
3
SPEAKER_02
Because you shouldn t spend every interaction going, where s all the holes in this?
3
SPEAKER_02
We should just be able to be calm and enjoy it.
3
SPEAKER_02
And we shouldn t assume every person is going to lie to us, manipulate us, ghost us, cheat on us, all these things.
3
SPEAKER_02
And if they do, that s just
3
SPEAKER_02
the kind of person they are.
3
SPEAKER_02
And isn t it nice that they went away?
3
SPEAKER_02
And you know that now, sooner, you know?
3
SPEAKER_01
So if someone s going to ghost you, why would you want someone like that in your life that can do that to somebody?
3
SPEAKER_01
But I had a friend that said to me once, like, this may not look like what you thought it was going to look like because we have these unrealistic views of dating and relationships in the first place.
3
SPEAKER_01
And that feeling, you ve talked about the spark, we ve talked about the spark, we ve had guests on, but the spark, the butterflies, all that stuff.
3
SPEAKER_01
is actually just anxiety.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so I think that an unhealthy amount of nerves, of course, I mean, I am like the, I rarely ever get nervous about anything and I ll be nervous before a first date.
3
SPEAKER_01
So it s not that, but it s that feeling that actually is just anxiety when the feeling of someone that
3
SPEAKER_01
is probably a good partner for you that s like a solid secure person is really comfortable and like kind of boring in your body.
3
SPEAKER_01
Like I would just always say you just need to listen to your body.
3
SPEAKER_01
I think we always know if we re willing to listen of like the way someone makes you feel when you re in their presence.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then when you leave their presence, like I always tap, I always really want to hone in on how I feel when I part ways with somebody.
3
SPEAKER_01
Do I feel this like sense of anxiety?
3
SPEAKER_01
Like what am I going to hear from the next?
3
SPEAKER_01
Or is this like calm, like,
3
SPEAKER_01
I m sure, I absolutely will.
3
SPEAKER_01
We re going to go out again and then I guess if we don t, then it s fine.
3
SPEAKER_00
Wow, that s great.
3
SPEAKER_00
I love that.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s like the, when you say goodbye, what is the immediate feeling?
3
SPEAKER_01
Is it like anxiety or is it like chill?
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know?
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
What, in your friends that are in happy, healthy relationships around you, like what are some of the things that you ve seen in theirs that you re like, oh, that s, that s really special.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s great.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like what are some of the good signs?
3
SPEAKER_01
No, I just, I mean, I, when they have fun together, I really just, I, we have our, I m thinking of the couple that they re big fans of yours also.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I m Sean and Anushka and just.
3
SPEAKER_00
And Sean and Anushka.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh my God.
3
SPEAKER_01
They re so excited.
3
SPEAKER_01
They work really well together.
3
SPEAKER_01
They re a team.
3
SPEAKER_01
They do all the things.
3
SPEAKER_01
They have great communication and yada, yada, but they just seem like buddies.
3
SPEAKER_01
Like they just really have fun together.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I think that s also the main thing of Rain and I s relationship.
3
SPEAKER_01
And you re just, you re on the same team.
3
SPEAKER_01
Like we talked about this on our upcoming episode is that you don t feel like I literally picture it like whatever sport you re into where are you playing against each other or are you on the same team with a common goal?
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
I rarely see somebody break up that I m like, what?
3
SPEAKER_02
You know, like I think about my brother and his wife and they ve been together for like 12 years.
3
SPEAKER_02
They re just, they re friends.
3
SPEAKER_02
They really enjoy each other.
3
SPEAKER_02
They are really fun to be around.
3
SPEAKER_02
They re always joking around.
3
SPEAKER_02
They re really like loving the same couple that you re talking about.
3
SPEAKER_02
Same thing.
3
SPEAKER_02
Um, another one of, um, like Ashley s other best friend, um, and her husband, they re just, they re nice.
3
SPEAKER_02
You see a friendship and a respect between them.
3
SPEAKER_02
My best friend just got engaged and I, he, her fiance really has her on this like great pedestal.
3
SPEAKER_02
He really looks up to her.
3
SPEAKER_02
He thinks that she is just
4
SPEAKER_02
just so wonderful, and she thinks he s so wonderful.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I listen to how couples speak about each other a lot when they re not around the other person also.
4
SPEAKER_02
And are you proud of your partner?
4
SPEAKER_02
Are you excited to do the stuff that they want to do?
4
SPEAKER_02
So we, I think, are fortunate to have a lot of really good examples around us of positive relationships.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I always encourage people when you re like, you know, is what s going on with me normal?
4
SPEAKER_02
To look at people whose relationships you admire and say, like, what do I emulate from that?
4
SPEAKER_02
you know, and it s important to surround yourself with people that have good relationships with everybody, not just their romantic partner, but friends and family as well.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
I like, I like that nuance.
4
SPEAKER_00
Like, like that s a really subtle idea of how people talk about each other when, when the other person s not around and when the person is around too.
4
SPEAKER_00
Like both of that, if you saw me and my wife together, you d think we hate each other because we banter so much because it s such a,
4
SPEAKER_00
I feel at least it s a very British thing because me and my friends do this too, like we will lay into each other and the more you can lay into each other, the more in love you are.
4
SPEAKER_00
And so I do it with my guy friends, I do it with my wife.
4
SPEAKER_00
And my wife started it, by the way, it was not my idea, so it s not something I came up with.
4
SPEAKER_00
She sets the tone.
4
SPEAKER_00
Literally, she sets the tone.
4
SPEAKER_00
If she s around me, she ll find a way to pick some flaw out in the most hilarious way.
4
SPEAKER_03
In a funny way.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, passive aggressive.
4
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, you can tell the difference between
4
SPEAKER_03
healthy banter and roasting.
4
SPEAKER_03
And I love that too.
4
SPEAKER_03
And negging and actually trying to make someone look bad.
4
SPEAKER_03
Totally.
4
SPEAKER_00
Publicly.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
And passive aggression.
4
SPEAKER_03
Oh God, it s so cringe to be around those couples.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
When they re talking to each other in the third person as well.
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh my God.
4
SPEAKER_02
And they bring up their therapist.
4
SPEAKER_02
I m like, how fast can I exit this room?
4
SPEAKER_00
What s your take on friends becoming lovers and lovers staying friends after they break up?
4
SPEAKER_00
So both way around.
4
SPEAKER_02
We get asked a lot, can your friend turn into your lover?
4
SPEAKER_02
And can your lover go back to being your friend?
4
SPEAKER_02
I don t know which one I want to take first.
4
SPEAKER_02
I mean, I feel like, can you be lovers and then friends?
4
SPEAKER_02
I guess it depends on how the relationship ended.
4
SPEAKER_02
I guess it depends on how much time goes by, what happened.
4
SPEAKER_02
One of my best friends in the world, him and I slept together for like maybe
4
SPEAKER_02
six weeks when we first met.
4
SPEAKER_02
And ending it was really painful for me because he basically was like, he was like, I don t want this.
4
SPEAKER_02
He was like, I don t want to date anybody.
4
SPEAKER_02
It feels like this is where it s heading.
4
SPEAKER_02
I m just telling you right now you re not going to like what happens.
4
SPEAKER_02
I don t, I don t want to be in a relationship with you.
4
SPEAKER_02
And it hurt a lot in the moment, but the honesty and sticking to that is actually what has allowed me to be, stay friends with him because he didn t disrespect me.
4
SPEAKER_02
He looked at me in the face and he said, I don t want to be in a relationship.
4
SPEAKER_02
And then it was,
4
SPEAKER_02
probably a little weird and painful for like six months.
4
SPEAKER_02
It hurt to see him with another girl.
4
SPEAKER_02
It was really, I didn t really want to hear about it.
4
SPEAKER_02
If he was dating somebody, it hurt.
4
SPEAKER_02
But with enough time, I was like, this is still like, I find value in this.
4
SPEAKER_02
I really like this person.
4
SPEAKER_02
And he really truly is like one of the most important people in my life.
4
SPEAKER_02
He took our podcast photos when we first started.
4
SPEAKER_02
He was just, he is such like an acts of service, love language person.
4
SPEAKER_02
He s so wonderful.
4
SPEAKER_02
So with enough time, if you really want, and if you feel, I think respected in the ending of it, I think you can be.
4
SPEAKER_02
But it depends on what happens in the relationship.
4
SPEAKER_02
If I m dating somebody and they say to me, yeah, my ex and I are best friends, I don t know that I love it.
4
SPEAKER_02
It depends on the circumstances.
4
SPEAKER_02
I know.
4
SPEAKER_03
It s one of these things if there are no hard and fast rules and we don t really trust people that say that there are.
4
SPEAKER_03
You can t be friends with an ex.
4
SPEAKER_03
You can never date your friend.
4
SPEAKER_03
Shut up.
4
SPEAKER_03
But yes, you can.
4
SPEAKER_03
So, I think it s all a case-by-case basis, but I think friends that end up in a relationship could be really beautiful.
4
SPEAKER_03
I think it can totally work.
4
SPEAKER_03
I think it s, again, not a hot take.
4
SPEAKER_03
It goes without saying that you could ruin the friendship, but you d be willing to take the risk.
4
SPEAKER_03
Love is Blind.
4
SPEAKER_03
Oh, Deepty and Kyle.
4
SPEAKER_03
That was so upsetting.
4
SPEAKER_03
We love that show.
4
SPEAKER_03
But that I think kind of like, you know, the friendship can really get ruined, but it can really be really beautiful too.
4
SPEAKER_03
My thing with that, I always think you should think about what it would actually look like if you dated this person.
4
SPEAKER_03
Because I have a guy friend that
4
SPEAKER_03
And this was not anytime recent, but where we connected so much, we were in the room, you could feel it.
4
SPEAKER_03
It was palpable.
4
SPEAKER_03
It was just like, how could they not date?
4
SPEAKER_03
Everybody saw it.
4
SPEAKER_03
Everybody could feel it.
4
SPEAKER_03
I could feel it.
4
SPEAKER_03
And the chemistry, and we just felt like a perfect match.
4
SPEAKER_03
And I knew that too, and I found him super attractive, but I couldn t picture dating him.
4
SPEAKER_03
I couldn t picture being at home with him or something.
4
SPEAKER_03
You know, and probably vice versa.
4
SPEAKER_03
And I took a realistic look at it because you get to that place where you re like, should we try?
4
SPEAKER_03
And maybe or maybe not.
4
SPEAKER_03
And I think it s really, you have to be realistic with yourself of like, can I actually see them as a romantic partner?
4
SPEAKER_03
And then staying friends with an ex that is really also can totally work or not.
4
SPEAKER_03
And it s so much about
4
SPEAKER_03
the feelings that each person has.
4
SPEAKER_03
I have an ex that I wish I could be friends with.
4
SPEAKER_03
I could absolutely be friends with him.
4
SPEAKER_03
I think he s the best person.
4
SPEAKER_03
I think he s so funny, but I don t think he could.
4
SPEAKER_03
And I have set a lot of boundaries with him because I just don t think it would be healthy for him without saying much more.
4
SPEAKER_03
So it s like, I absolutely could.
4
SPEAKER_03
We could text, we could be buddies.
4
SPEAKER_03
I have him on the podcast, but I don t think it would be healthy for him, knowing what I know a lot about the way our relationship ended in his past and things like that.
4
SPEAKER_03
I think it s so fun to be friends with somebody that you casually dated.
4
SPEAKER_03
A guy that I casually dated for a month, two months, right before the pandemic, we text all the time.
4
SPEAKER_03
He has a girlfriend.
4
SPEAKER_03
Sure, she doesn t care.
4
SPEAKER_03
I don t know if he told her or not, but joke around.
4
SPEAKER_03
It s like a funny relationship.
4
SPEAKER_03
I find those relationships
4
SPEAKER_03
Like just kind of weirdly special.
4
SPEAKER_03
I like those.
4
SPEAKER_00
I want to try something.
4
SPEAKER_00
We ve never done this before.
4
SPEAKER_00
So Raina, imagine if you were breaking up with Ashley.
4
SPEAKER_00
I want you to try to do the best script of what you d like to hear if someone was breaking up with you.
4
SPEAKER_00
So you re going to be the person who s breaking up.
4
SPEAKER_00
Ashley s going to be the person who s being broken up with.
4
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I want you to deliver what you d like to hear if someone was breaking up with you.
4
SPEAKER_00
So you ve been kind of dating for like three to six months.
4
SPEAKER_02
three to six months.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
I want to hear.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh my God.
4
SPEAKER_02
I did my last break.
4
SPEAKER_00
And actually you respond how you d respond.
4
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_02
I have to break up with you.
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh my gosh.
4
SPEAKER_02
There goes my bank account.
4
SPEAKER_00
Not as you guys, as if you re dating.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, not as you.
4
SPEAKER_02
I feel like this relationship has run its course.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I feel like you already messed up.
4
SPEAKER_02
Cause you need to start with your so- This is so you that I already messed up.
4
SPEAKER_03
I have one sentence into this.
4
SPEAKER_03
You break up with me.
4
SPEAKER_03
I ll break up with myself.
4
SPEAKER_03
You need to start it.
4
SPEAKER_03
You re the funniest, coolest, hottest girl I ve ever met.
4
SPEAKER_03
I m breaking up with me.
4
SPEAKER_03
Compliments first.
4
SPEAKER_00
You want to hear compliments before someone says our relationship is running out?
4
SPEAKER_03
Just like if you just started and say, I m like funny and hot, like it ll be better.
4
SPEAKER_03
It s going to like, it s just better.
4
SPEAKER_03
It ll lessen the blow.
4
SPEAKER_03
I don t care.
4
SPEAKER_03
If you were funnier and hotter, I wouldn t be breaking up with you.
4
SPEAKER_03
That s all I ve heard.
4
SPEAKER_03
And then I m just like, that sounds chill.
4
SPEAKER_02
You know?
4
SPEAKER_00
That s relatable.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
4
SPEAKER_02
The last breakup I did, I tried to keep it like as vague as possible.
4
SPEAKER_02
I said like, I think this relationship is run its course.
4
SPEAKER_02
I think we want different things in life.
4
SPEAKER_02
I want to be successful and you don t know.
4
SPEAKER_02
No, I just, I said, I think we want different things in life.
4
SPEAKER_02
I think we expect different things out of life.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I said, I still love you.
4
SPEAKER_02
I care about you.
4
SPEAKER_02
I think you re a wonderful person.
4
SPEAKER_02
You re all the things you re smart and funny.
4
SPEAKER_02
And, but I just, I think this is run its course.
4
SPEAKER_02
I I ve used that line before on like a couple of breakups.
4
SPEAKER_02
I recycle that line.
4
SPEAKER_02
There s a couple of things in breakups.
4
SPEAKER_02
I don t want somebody to walk away being completely confused.
4
SPEAKER_02
Ashley and I talked about that in my last breakup, because I was like, what if I said this?
4
SPEAKER_02
And she was like, you don t want to have him walk away thinking he did something he didn t.
4
SPEAKER_02
And I agree with that.
4
SPEAKER_02
But I also don t need to burn it to the ground and be like, this is wrong, and this is wrong, and this is wrong.
4
SPEAKER_02
I also don t need to make you feel terrible.
4
SPEAKER_02
Sometimes some vagueness is OK.
4
SPEAKER_03
Well, that s the thing that we say when people are begging for closure.
4
SPEAKER_03
It s like, do you want to hear the really bad stuff?
4
SPEAKER_03
And I think that s one of the best things that we ve learned throughout the years doing what we do is sometimes it s just that you re not it.
4
SPEAKER_03
You re not the one.
4
SPEAKER_03
And it can boil down to some things you may not want to hear.
4
SPEAKER_03
And I think
4
SPEAKER_03
it s good to reflect on yourself too.
4
SPEAKER_03
Like how many times have you been with somebody that just wasn t the person and you couldn t necessarily put your finger on it.
4
SPEAKER_03
And then if you did, it would come across sounding pretty harsh.
4
SPEAKER_03
So I think it s always good to put yourself on the other side of it too.
4
SPEAKER_03
Like I m not so undesirable.
4
SPEAKER_03
I have dated people that were great and then we had to end it too.
4
SPEAKER_03
So I mean, I would hate to be broken up with and totally heartbroken with somebody that I loved and that I saw a future with, but I know that I would be okay.
4
SPEAKER_03
And I can t be,
4
SPEAKER_03
knowing what I know now, I would just have to take it pretty easily because sometimes it just doesn t work out.
4
SPEAKER_03
So that s kind of the thing too, when people are just, they re so obsessed with that closure conversation.
4
SPEAKER_03
And I do think you should have closure, but to what extent?
4
SPEAKER_00
Well, some people want to have a third breakup conversation, a fourth breakup conversation, right?
4
SPEAKER_00
Like you ve, you ve had the breakup conversation, but they want to keep understanding.
4
SPEAKER_00
And sometimes we re that person, or sometimes that person s doing it to us.
4
SPEAKER_00
And you re saying, actually, you re not going to achieve much from that extension of conversation.
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Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt and we re the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
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It s a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
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Like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding
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when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
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We re back with season two of the podcast, which means more opportunities to glow up and become a more responsible and better adult, one life lesson at a time.
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And let me just tell you, this show is just as much for us as it is for you.
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So let s figure this stuff out together.
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This season, we re going to talk about whether or not we re financially and emotionally ready for dog ownership.
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We re going to figure out the benefits of a high yield savings account.
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And what exactly are the duties of being a member of the wedding party?
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All that plus so much more.
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Let s learn about all of it and then some.
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Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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When the Taliban banned music in Afghanistan, millions were plunged into silence.
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Radios were smashed.
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Cassettes burned.
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You could be beaten or jailed or killed for breaking the rules.
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And yet, Afghans did it anyway.
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This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol.
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The danger they endured.
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They said my head should be cut off.
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The joy they brought to the nation.
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You re free completely.
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No one is there to destroy you.
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I m John Legend.
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Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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It depends who you are and, you know, why it ended.
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It s just, I don t know that I need to like give you a declaration of hate, you know, like it s just, I don t see myself marrying you.
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I don t need to tell you, like, I don t respect the way you live your life.
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I think it s fine to break up, take some time to marinate and then really want that like closure conversation six months later or something.
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Cause you really can be a little more honest, tensions are lower, but I m not going to keep unpacking the breakup.
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I think sometimes my, so my, I was engaged to somebody.
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We broke up and we didn t really have any other – we broke up the day after my engagement party and we never spoke again for three and a half years.
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Three and a half years later, Ashley and I had started the podcast.
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Oh my God.
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So about two months after we started the podcast.
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Stressful night.
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Through a series of things that happened, I ended up talking to him and he asked me to go out to dinner and we had this like six hour long all night closure conversation.
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And he said, you know, I ve thought about you every day for four years and I ve never really gotten over this and I hate what I did to you and I m so sorry.
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It was a nice moment.
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It was a nice moment to have it, but I, you know, I appreciate it.
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It helped me to walk away from some anger and some things I really was still hanging on to, but I didn t need it.
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it was nice to have it.
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Sometimes that feels really good, but I, you have to learn to like go to therapy and read books and listen to podcasts.
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And thankfully today there is so much out there like your show, like our show that people can listen to and hopefully find some peace.
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Um, yeah, I don t know.
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So the dream is that you re consistently doing relationship check-ins if you need them and you know where you stand and where they stand.
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And so,
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Like, you re a woman, for example, and you just get blindsided, broke up with, out of the blue.
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And he s like, you do this, you do that.
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And you re like, why didn t you tell me when those things were happening?
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Because feedback is important.
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You know, again, I don t think you should beat down someone s door for this closure and tell me everything that s wrong with me.
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It is nice to know, so perhaps you can be better in the next relationship if it s something that was actually valid.
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Yeah.
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So I just think there is a happy medium.
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Unhappy medium, I guess, would be the better word.
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But again, sometimes it just boils down to this isn t it.
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And I think you re a lovely person and all the best.
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You re doing it wrong.
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Do you think that people, do you think being blindsided is a real thing?
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Sometimes when people, I ll qualify this, when people say like, he blindsided me and I m like, this person just woke up, walked into a room and said goodbye.
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Like, I don t know.
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And I m sure that does happen.
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But do you think it happens as often as people say that it does?
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That s a great question.
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I mean, I d love to look at the research behind it.
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But from what I ve experienced, I definitely can say that I think people are blindsided to the degree that people might not be saying much before they do something like that.
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But I d say that if you were
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And I don t mean the same way as you.
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I don t mean like interrogating and investigating and having a private investigator involved or anything like that.
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But I think if you re reading the signs of like how close someone is, how distant someone is, like how engaged they are in conversation, like how often you re actually connecting, like I think you can tell, but I think often we think things are great because they look great in our heads, but we re not really looking at what am I actually feeling?
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What am I experiencing from this person?
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But I do think people do have that complete, I mean,
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I literally spoke to someone a couple of months ago, and it was like, they d been married for 20 years.
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And then their partner told them that they don t think they were right for each other anymore, and that they felt that way for a long time.
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Now, that s insanely tough, right?
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Like, that s so difficult.
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And so yeah, if I was with someone for 20 years, I would feel blindsided because 20 years is a long time.
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But often people are quiet.
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I do find that a lot of people are like silent or quiet or distant before a breakup.
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It s not like they re telling you they love you right now.
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And then tomorrow, well, maybe actually I take that back.
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That s happened to people too.
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Every once in a while you ll have a conversation and then it s...
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I couldn t believe it.
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We were perfect.
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And then you dig a little deeper and you re like, well, actually there s this one thing that happened in Miami.
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And you re like, Oh my God, that huge red flag.
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Why didn t you couldn t, you couldn t feel that something was off then.
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And what you said, you might just think it s perfect.
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Or you re just trying not to be, you re, you re trying to not be honest with yourself.
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Like you re trying not to see the signs.
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wanting it to be so perfect that you don t pick up on those things.
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Yeah.
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What are some of the common red flags you think people miss?
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Like what are the ones that you think people actually miss them completely?
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Like this is a good example of one where you think you re blindsided, but you re not really because there are hidden messages there.
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What are some of those other ones that you think we just like just don t recognize?
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I mean, a lot of signs of narcissism.
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I think that the the charming thing, you know, just I think you had Dr. Romney on maybe.
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Yeah.
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Like that word is always in my head because it s such a positive compliment.
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And of course, it doesn t have to be bad, but the overly charming you feel like a
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that connection, like you re the only woman in the room when you re talking to him, it s like, I don t know, that might not be good.
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So- That s so hard though, isn t it?
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Because that s what we all want to some degree, isn t it?
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Like, isn t that the feeling that we want to be made to feel that?
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Or no, you re saying we should never want to feel that even with the person we love.
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No, it s hard.
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Yeah, it s hard, right?
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Because she described a narcissist and I was like, that sounds kind of nice.
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She was like, if they try to take you on a trip within 10 days of meeting, I was like, that sounds great.
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I don t know.
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I don t know.
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It s just like, does everyone feel like that that they met?
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So, yeah, it can be tough to decipher.
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I mean, I think just general bad behavior, like if someone doesn t do what they say they re gonna do, they don t show up, they bail on you, they just immediately, like someone does not show up, they don t respond to you or whatever it is, and you don t pay attention, I think,
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You can only blame yourself when that actually turns out to be the demise of a relationship.
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Yeah.
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Because it was there at the beginning.
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Yeah.
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Mine s going the other way.
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We used to text each other all the time, and now we ve been married for seven years.
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You don t talk anymore?
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I have to message seven times to get a text back.
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No, my wife s the worst at texting.
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Literally, she s the worst.
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Everyone always messages me going, J, I sent Riley this message like three days ago.
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Is she going to get back to me?
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I m like, yeah, three weeks.
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Like, it s cool.
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Because literally, yeah, she loves calls.
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She can pick up the phone any time.
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I love calls.
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She s not a texter.
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I love it.
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Not a texter.
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Ignores texts.
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We had a guest on and we talked about different texting styles, and I would say it was one of the most impactful episodes we did of 2022.
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It really helped reframe in my mind that not everybody is like me.
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You know, like when I like somebody, I want to talk to them more.
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And it just really put into perspective that people have completely different communication styles, even when it comes to text.
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And I think it s helpful to remember.
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It doesn t mean someone doesn t like you, but I mean, yes, days later, they haven t returned your text.
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I think that s a pretty clear sign that you re not top of mind and a priority, or it could even be purposeful, which is even worse.
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What are you trying to say?
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Like they re trying to put you in your place.
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She doesn t want to be with you anymore.
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Yeah, exactly.
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I really enjoy the very beginning stages.
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It s a lot of fun.
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I like finding somebody that like really is engaging, makes me laugh.
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And I, I don t pause to think that often can this person be a good longterm partner.
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And I think there s a good balance.
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There s a hard balance to strike because I don t want to interview somebody to be my husband on the first or second date either.
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Cause that s not fair to another person.
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I think what you can do at least is look at somebody s lifestyle and what they do just day to day for work, how they travel, do they have friends, and say, like, is this a lifestyle I could enjoy long term?
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You know, if somebody went on a date with me and they were like, I really want somebody home seven nights a week.
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I want somebody that s going to, like, have dinner with me seven nights a week.
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I don t want their career necessarily to be primary in their life.
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I want my career to be primary in our lives.
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You know, I m probably not your girl.
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And that s not insulting.
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I wish people were that clear, though, as well.
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Like, at least that would make it really clear for someone.
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Well, yeah, I wish everybody was more clear.
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Yeah, that would just be a dream if someone said that.
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It makes so much sense.
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Yeah, it d be amazing.
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I wish we could all
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just like interview perfectly on a first date, but I have leaned into situations because they feel good because I find somebody that s really nice and I feel really connected with them on like an intimate level.
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I sometimes stop, don t stop to think like, what does this look like in six months?
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Can we live the same type of life?
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Am I going to be proud of this person?
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Am I, do I like the kind of family they have?
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They re friends.
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So I get caught up in the beginning stages because I said this in the podcast on our show recently, my mom didn t raise me to like find
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find a husband, find somebody to pay your bills.
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My mom was like, you be the person that pays the bills and you be the person that s successful, which I love.
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And she s so empowering.
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But no one ever told me like, when you go on a first date, you should date because you want to date this person long term.
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So those are some pitfalls for me.
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I sometimes don t pause to think, you know, what does this look like in a year?
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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That s a great shot.
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Thank you for that.
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I want to dive into a couple of more personal things before we wrap up.
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Ashley, you were saying that, you know, for you, you decided you didn t want to have children.
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How have you tackled explaining that to potential partners, to your own family?
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Like how has the reaction been?
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Because I always feel like when we make things that like,
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break a tradition or pattern.
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Like it s like a big thing to say like, oh, I don t want to do this.
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And it shouldn t be a big thing, but it is seen as a big thing, right?
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Like even for us, like we ve been together for seven years and in our community, it s like, that s a long time to be together and not have kids yet.
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And so it s like, even that, even if the conversation is still open,
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So I guess I m interested in that because I think there are so many people who are listening and watching who are changing the way relationships look, who are changing the way love looks, who are changing the way what matters to them looks.
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And so I want to hear from you, like, how did you, A, come to that conclusion yourself, whatever you re comfortable sharing, and then how did you share that with the people in your life that matter?
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It s been, I ve never just want, I ve just never wanted children.
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We did a whole episode on this.
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It took me months to feel comfortable even doing it because I wanted to approach it very sensitively to women who are struggling to have children or that are struggling with the decision.
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And I don t want to be flippant about it.
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Like, Oh, it s no big deal.
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Like I just don t want them.
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And that s what it is, you know, because I actually feel, I see so many women, especially as they get older into their thirties, forties that like, don t know, you know, I don t really have to think about it.
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And so I ve always felt that way in my adult life.
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Maybe when I was a,
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a kid or in college, I was like, of course I ll get married and have kids.
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You just don t know any better.
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And then I slowly started to realize as I became to adultism, I don t want, I can t picture it on any level, any part of it.
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And my family, again, it s just one of those.
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I m lucky that they just support me and don t expect me to live a traditional life.
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They never have.
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Um, so glad that my brother has chosen to have children.
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I have a brand new baby nephew named Jay.
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and more to come hopefully.
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So they re going to get their grandkids, but I ve never felt an ounce of pressure from them to do anything besides be myself.
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And luckily I have achieved success and I can show them them letting me fly was not for nothing.
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So that s never been an issue.
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I think I just am a confident person and I am steadfast in my decisions.
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No one ever really
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throws me shade or makes me feel uncomfortable about it.
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And maybe I just don t pay attention because I don t care.
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You know, like those little slights of like, well, you might change your mind.
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It s like, Oh my God, shut up.
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You know, when people put those things on you, that s because it s, they re feeling some sort of way that you ve chosen to make a decision that they haven t.
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So I don t let those things bother me.
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I just know it s a decision that s right for me.
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And I don t,
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feel like it s a big deal, you know?
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So it s like that just makes it me easier to flow through the world with this decision.
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But I feel for people that are struggling with it, whatever it may be, and those are just conversations that you have to open communication and conversations you have to have.
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We re so lucky to have so many different resources today with podcasts, internet books, and how to even the language to use when it comes to this type of thing.
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You can sit and rehearse it if you need to.
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Potential partners, again, it s...
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just something that I feel comfortable sharing.
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Um, I wouldn t want to get down a road with somebody where I felt like things were getting serious and hadn t come up because I wouldn t even probably start to date somebody if I knew they really wanted a family.
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So that s been, it was like a fear of mine that I would find somebody that I really fell for that really wanted a family and it hasn t happened yet.
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And I ve dated guys that either didn t want children as well or could go either way.
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And it wasn t really something that was so important to them.
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So, yeah.
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I am fine if it comes up date one.
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Yeah, it comes out sometimes if it s in a conversation.
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It s been part of my someone tried to insult me once saying it was part of my personality at this point.
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Yeah.
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So it s like it comes up and if I m asked, I m open about it.
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So
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I think these things, you just have to own them.
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That s just what it is.
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We re seeing so many more women share that they don t want kids as well, which is nice too.
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Absolutely, absolutely.
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It s just more out there.
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Absolutely.
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I always think it s funny when people say, like, you ll change your mind.
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It s like, when you tell me you want kids, I don t tell you to change your mind.
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It s so funny to me.
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We did this episode and it was really so beautiful and we tried really hard to not judge anybody s decisions because we don t, we don t care.
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If you want to be a mom, that s amazing.
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If you don t, then don t be a mom.
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But the amount of people that wrote us and said, I grew up never knowing I had a choice.
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I thought this was a foregone conclusion.
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I m one of those people as well.
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Just always thought like, well, of course I ll have kids.
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Everybody has kids, you know?
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So many mothers wrote us and said like, I love my kids, but I don t know that I would have chosen this if I knew that I could have had another option.
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The emails we got were heartbreaking.
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Yeah, for mothers.
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Yeah.
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That were like, I don t think I should have had kids, you know, and that, like Raina said, I love my kids, but we were like, Oh, like, yeah.
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That requires so much honesty.
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Yeah, exactly.
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People felt like it was a safe space to share that type of guilt that they feel.
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It s not a big community that exists that you can tell your other mom friends, like, I hate this, you know?
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And I can t really, cause I m not a mother.
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I m not in these mom forums, but I know that there s a lot of judgment.
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You know, I m sure it s not a very popular thing to say, like, I made a mistake, you know?
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It s a huge decision to make and to each their own.
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It s not necessarily a decision I m going to make.
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But yeah, it was hard to see a lot of people say, you know, I just didn t know.
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I didn t know that I could make another decision.
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And there s been so much writing, especially since COVID, that so many women are foregoing having children.
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I love that like we can talk about this now and it s not so taboo.
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And I remember when I told my mom, I didn t think I wanted to have kids.
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I m not a hundred percent like Ashley is, but.
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I m aging out of being able to have kids, so.
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You re not freezing your eggs.
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I m not freezing any eggs.
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I told my mom I didn t think I wanted to have kids and it was a really bad situation.
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And I don t think, I think I approached it really flippantly and I insulted her choice to have children.
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And I think I said something like, well, I don t need to have kids to make my life mean something.
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And she was like, you think my life didn t
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read anything without you.
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Like, you know, so I think that I was kind of hurtful in my words and I didn t think about it.
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And I was just like, what s the difference?
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My life means a lot to a lot of people.
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And she was like, so I think that you do have to, you know, gent tread lightly with family.
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And, um, ultimately approach it with compassion.
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Yeah.
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I did not choose my words while it was a really bad fight because I insulted her choices in life.
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And my mom accepts anything.
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We re really lucky.
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Our parents just accept whatever we do.
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But I think that you just tread a little bit lightly.
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And my mom wasn t mad that I said I didn t want kids.
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She was mad at my delivery about not wanting kids.
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Yeah, that s such a great point.
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I mean, I think so often you could be making a really good decision for yourself, but it s, what you just said, it s reflected and projected in a way onto
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our insecurity about them or a flaw we see in them or a challenge in them.
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And I love that you brought that point up because I think it s so important to communicate it and say it because it s for us, right?
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It s about you.
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It s about you as the individual.
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And even the way you were saying it, Ashley, I think there s so much strength and courage when you re like, this is my decision, I m owning it and I m dealing with it in how it reflects on me.
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But thank you for opening up and sharing that because
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So yeah, people love this topic with us and it really was Ashley that broached the topic originally, but my mom, she was just sort of like, oh, you think you re so successful, you don t need kids, but I needed them.
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It came off not very nice.
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But I will say, having a new nephew, I get it.
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It doesn t make me want kids, but I feel different on the inside.
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The love that I have for this baby is like, I can t, I could cry right now just because I miss him so actively every day.
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It did not make me want to have children, I want to be very clear.
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It s still no part of it I m interested in, but it s like made me understand it more or something where I m like, yeah, I really do.
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I get it.
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I get it, y all.
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And I feel for you even more that are kind of struggling with this in the first place because it s really beautiful.
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It made me want them and not want them.
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I ll tell you why.
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He s the cutest.
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He just brings so much love to the room and everyone.
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It just brings everyone together in such a beautiful way.
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But your sister-in-law, it s around the clock.
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I see how hard she works to just be a great mother and cook dinner.
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She cooked this great Christmas dinner and then she had to go upstairs and feed him.
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She missed dinner and I was like, I don t want that.
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This is a nightmare.
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Last to eat.
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And I cooked it and paid for it.
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So she is such a good mom.
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And I, I think sometimes good parenting is looking at that and going, I wouldn t be good at that.
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And I m not going to do that.
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I don t want to be bothered.
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Okay, I m eating first.
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Well, that s what it is, right?
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When you re looking at the baby for two hours
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it s very different than being with the baby.
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I will say, I want to tell you this.
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I just feel like you ll appreciate it.
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Is that we talked about this on the episode of like, there s this tiny thing in the back of your head that you just don t want to die alone.
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You know, like you may not be with your spouse if you ever got married or your friends could be dead or you won t have your parents anymore.
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Like your family, your immediate family is gone.
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And so there s that little thing in the back of your head that, you know, for me, it s like, I watched my mom tend to my grandmother when she was dying and we all had a very close relationship and it s like,
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what happens when I m in my grandmother s place or when I m dying or I m in hospice or I m sick or whatever.
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And so it doesn t make me want to do it, but there is that thing, at least in my head and I think in other people s too.
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And we did this episode and we got this, maybe I shouldn t have brought this up.
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Um, but we got this email from this hospice nurse and she was like, I, your fears are so valid, but like, I just want to tell you too, that you will have people with you at the end and you ve built this life for yourselves and you ll be surrounded by people that you
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And it took me out.
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Like, I was like, what a beautiful message to ease those fears and that you will have people around you and you will be surrounded by love in your final days, as like morbid as that sounds.
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But it was really nice to hear from someone who witnesses those things happen every day.
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Yeah, and really the greatest gift of this podcast is it has given me better friends, given Ashley and I a reason to travel and tour and reconnect with friends from college and high school.
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And it s made my relationship with my parents better, my brother.
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It s made me a better person and I think a better daughter, sister, friend, all of that.
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So that s such a gift.
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And now, yes, I know I ll be surrounded by people because I ve used this podcast as therapy for myself and we get to interview people like you.
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We ll have our listeners there at the end.
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I ll do a live stream.
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Yeah, I m going to stream my death.
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Okay.
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People can call in.
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I ll be on a feed like at the zoo where you watch the penguins.
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Yeah.
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Anyway.
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No, thank you for taking it there.
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I mean honestly I can tell why people are addicted listening to you both.
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You too.
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It s very addictive, it s contagious, it s amazing energy.
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I fully agree that whoever you decide to choose to be with and who chooses to be with both of you are going to have such a great relationship, they re going to have such a great time.
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I just love spending this time with you and
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even to hear how reflective and thoughtful and how deep and just the amount of self-work that you ve both done is unbelievable.
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And to see it in display in this way is really inspiring.
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And I hope that everyone who s listening or watching can see that you can have fun and think deeply at the same time, which is important because I think there s this belief that like, oh, you can just be silly and stupid, or you can be really thoughtful and reflective.
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And I think you both walk that path really wonderfully.
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That really means the world.
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You know, like it really does because it s like people are dynamic and you can go on stage and do all this stuff and at the end of the day still be like an intelligent person with depth and you can have conversations like this.
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So I really appreciate that.
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It really means a lot.
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We try to make our show like that.
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That s what we call it, a comedy show about dating and relationships.
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And we ve done really wild episodes with porn stars, but we ve talked about sexual assault and abortion and really heavy stuff.
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So we re really proud of that.
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We hope that it came across.
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So thank you for saying that.
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Yeah, definitely.
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No, definitely.
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I m hoping this will be the first of many.
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So today s a good intro for anyone who doesn t already love you and follow you, but we end every episode with a final five.
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And so I m going to have to ask you, but you can decide who goes first.
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I don t mind.
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But you have to answer the same questions.
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Okay.
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So question number one, what is the best relationship advice you ve ever heard, received or given?
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So I think the best relationship advice we ve heard, I can give it in one sentence.
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This is going to sound counterintuitive, but the thing that s going to make you the best partner is building a life for yourself that you are proud of.
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That is our, that s our whole show s mantra.
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It s ours.
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It s yours, Reina, own it.
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Ashley has to come up with her own one now.
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I m going to steal the one you did with Matthew Hussey actually.
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I watched that clip.
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Make a list of the person you want and be that person.
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No, I mean,
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But that s what I think will make you the perfect partner and the best version of yourself.
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You ve already won.
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You ve already won.
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I mean, listen, again, it might sound counterintuitive to like manifesting and visualizing, but I really do stand by, it might not look like what you thought it was going to look like.
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I love that.
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With anything, you know, your life, but your relationship.
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That s awesome.
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And just relax.
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Just chill.
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Not anything so heavy.
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Just relax.
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All right.
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Uh, second question.
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What s the worst relationship advice you ve ever heard, received or given?
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Change yourself to fit into somebody else s life.
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Raina with the quick answers.
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Just stupid stuff.
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Like don t sleep with someone up to like 14 dates.
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Rules.
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Yeah.
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Any rules that we just really, we try to hammer.
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I think sex rules.
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I think it s crazy.
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And we have like, I m not saying you should always sleep with them on the first.
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I mean, I just think those things like bog you down.
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Uh, question number three, what s something you used to value in relationships that you don t anymore?
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I mean, I guess you don t need to play a D one or pro sport.
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I only used to want to be with athletes.
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You don t have to be an athlete.
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Okay.
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Got it.
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I don t know.
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I feel like I just keep adding to like, cause I, the bar started so low.
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It was just like, do you have a pulse?
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You don t value that anymore.
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Cause I wasn t, I was never one of those girls that was like, got to date a guy with money and finance.
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Like I wasn t one of those people.
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Like it s really, it s gone backwards for me.
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It s just, you don t have to be a pro athlete.
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Yeah.
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I just, the bar was so low before.
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So nothing.
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That s good answer.
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Question number four.
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Uh, what s one episode on your podcast that you d love everyone to listen to?
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Oh God.
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It s just, what are you looking for?
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For this community, for this, for my audience.
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I like this episode we did called You re Not The One.
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Cause I feel like it goes in tandem with this today and it s just about breaking up with those people that are not the one.
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Yeah.
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We did do an episode with Lane Moore in the new year about what do we, what do we call it?
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It s not being able to be alone.
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How to be alone.
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Along that line.
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Last year, 2022.
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And we are going to talk to you about that on our show as well.
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But yeah, I mean, so much of this is just checking in with yourself, being a good version of yourself.
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We did do a relationship with Lori Gottlieb, who s a psychotherapist, about... Yeah, she s been on.
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I love Lori.
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Yeah, we love her.
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She s been on twice.
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Both the episodes with her were great, but we did one in the fall about strengthening your relationship, mother-daughter relationships.
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It s applicable to any parent relationship, but it really, I think, helped a lot of people.
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So if you re looking for anything like that, I think it s really special.
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And everything s on our website, every episode we ve ever done.
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You can go to girlsgottaeat.com.
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Fifth and final question.
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What s your biggest piece of relationship advice for each other this year, 2023?
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I feel like my piece of advice for Raina has always been about the same and it s just don t go down the road with people that are not emotionally available and wouldn t be a good match.
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And I feel like I can sometimes see it and I m answering more than one sentence, but I can kind of sometimes see that when she can t because she s in it.
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And so I just would continue on that road of like pick partners that make sense.
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I think for you, because you just in the past have just said, I don t care about being in a relationship this year, just to prioritize it this year and to just give yourself some grace that you don t need to work seven days a week and you don t need to work at 10 p.m.
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And like you re allowed to take days off and you re allowed to prioritize yourself and just be in the moment and be happy and you don t need to just be working all the time.
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You re allowed to put yourself first.
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It gives me permission to stop working.
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It makes me emotional.
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I love it.
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One day she told me, Ashley, you run the company.
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You don t have to work today.
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And I was like, what?
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I had to remind her we own this company.
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And she was like, I just feel really stressed out, really bogged down.
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I was like, we own the company.
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You can take the day off.
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But I think that she has a really full life, as do I, but just talking about her, she has a really full life and all these friends, and she works really hard.
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And so it can be easy to be like, I don t have anything left in the tank today.
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So your intention is to date, so I think you should do it.
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I m trying to energetically make space.
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Beautiful.
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I love that.
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Reina, Ashley, this has been so fun to talk to you.
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Everyone who s been listening and watching wherever you are, make sure you tag Reina, Ashley, and me with your biggest insights, takeaways, tips, moments that made you laugh out loud, whatever worked for you, and stuff that you re practicing, trying out this year as well.
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And make sure that you go and listen to and subscribe to Girls Gotta Eat as well if you want more of Reina and Ashley in your life.
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Reina, Ashley, thank you so much for the opportunity, the joy.
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So grateful to both of you.
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And thanks for joining On Purpose.
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Thank you so much.
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Thank you.
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If you loved this episode, you re going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your ex and find true love in your relationships.
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A new season of Bridgerton is here.
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And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast.
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I m your host, Gabby Collins.
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And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the ton.
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Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix.
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Then fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton, the official podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday.