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Hello and welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything that you want advice on and I give my own professional advice.
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Today I have a very raspy voice because I ve been singing a lot in the car, etc, etc.
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And I ve also been very dehydrated.
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I haven t been drinking a lot of water.
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So my voice is gone, but hopefully some of you think that it s sexy and charming.
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I know for a fact there will be a few of you that will be annoyed, but this is just what you get with me.
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I lose my voice so much, it s unbelievable, and I can t tell if it s because I just talk and sing more than the average person, or if it s because there is ultimately something wrong with my throat.
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But that s neither here nor there, and that is something for me to worry about, and not for you to worry about.
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Don t worry, I will handle that.
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You have enough going on in your own life, okay?
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Which is why we re doing an advice session because I m going to be giving you unprofessional advice on things that are going on in your lives.
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And if you want to submit a current dilemma or a situation that you want advice on, at anythinggoes on Instagram, that is where we receive submissions.
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Okay, without further ado, let s just get right into it.
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I curated a list today of current dilemmas slash situations that you all want advice on that specifically relate to having a crush on someone.
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So this whole episode is about what the fuck to do when you have a crush.
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Let me tell you, it s fun to have a crush.
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It s really distracting, which is great.
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That s the best part about it is when you have a crush, it s almost like being drunk in the way that it distracts you.
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It consumes your mind in a way that is so potent and so all-consuming.
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that nothing else really seems to matter.
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Like, it becomes your number one priority a lot of times.
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And there s something kind of fun about that because it is an escape from your real life.
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It s like, who gives a fuck about homework or work or drama with friends?
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It s like, no, I got a crush.
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The only thing I m worrying about right now is this.
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Do they like me back?
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Was I weird when I flirted with them yesterday?
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Like, what s happening?
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Anyway, having a crush is fun, but it s also kind of a nightmare because you re in this sort of purgatory where you don t know for sure if they like you back most of the time, and it s exciting, but it s also torture because you re trying to figure it out every day, and you re just fantasizing about what it would be like if you were together, and you re so close yet so far.
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It s a nightmare.
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It s fun, but it s a nightmare.
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A lot of things are like that.
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It s like when you re in a party phase in your life and you re going out a lot.
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It s fun and it s distracting, but it s a nightmare.
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It s ultimately a nightmare.
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Anywho, the last time I had a crush was a few months ago and I really found myself having a crush on the idea of this person.
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And then as I got to know them more, I was like, this person is not good for me.
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Like, if I dated this person, it would be an absolute catastrophe.
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But it was tough to shake because I was like, well, fuck, I don t know.
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Like, I don t know them that well.
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And even though I can tell that we wouldn t be super compatible personality wise, it s like, but what if we got to know each other?
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And then they did become that.
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And it was like,
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this whole thing and the only way I got rid of that crush was by finding someone new.
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Like, I don t know if I would have shaken that crush as quickly if I hadn t found someone new who was ultimately way better for me.
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You know, like a better person to have a crush on.
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All that to say, there s something so challenging about shaking a crush.
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Even if you can tell that they re bad for you, even if you know that you ll never date them, it s like not up to you when you shake the crush.
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It s like your subconscious mind has to choose to be done.
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And that s why having a crush is so challenging.
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You can t just turn it on and off.
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I love having a crush.
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No, I don t.
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I prefer dating.
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I actually don t like being in that crush phase.
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I like being in a relationship.
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That s what I like.
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I like dating somebody that I will always have a crush on or I will have a crush on indefinitely, but feeling secure in that.
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I don t like being in the gray area.
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I don t like being in the purgatory of it.
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I kind of hate that.
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It is fun, but it is a nightmare, and I prefer to be in a relationship.
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That s my ideal situation.
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So, okay.
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Now, enough about me.
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What the fuck?
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Someone said, how do I figure out if someone likes me back?
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In the past, I would have listed out various signs that you can spot that would show you or give you a hint about whether or not they like you.
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That s what I would have said in the past.
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However, through some more life experience, I think my advice now is far less fun and far less exciting.
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And it s that you really can t assume.
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You know, we can find ourselves reading into the tiny little micro-behaviors of the person that we have a crush on, trying to figure them out like they re a solvable puzzle, okay?
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But the truth of the matter is, everyone s different.
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Everyone s little micro-behaviors are different.
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And what means one thing about one person doesn t mean the same thing about another person.
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Like, for example, if the last person that you had a crush on who ended up liking you back used to text you all the time, then you might read into this new person that you have a crush on texting you all the time
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and think, well, that means that they probably like me, right?
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Or this feels like a sign that they like me.
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When, you know, this person that you have a crush on now could just be a really avid texter.
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They just love texting.
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And because you guys are friends, they text you a lot.
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Okay.
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Another example is, you know, maybe someone who s had a crush on you before has given you really good eye contact when you talk.
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And that was a sign that they had a crush on you.
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Now you re talking to this new person who you have a crush on, they re giving you really good eye contact.
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You might say to yourself, well, they must have a crush on me, right?
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That must be a sign because of the last person.
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When in reality, it might just be that this person really prioritizes eye contact in a conversation with anyone.
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It s so impossible to figure out that my recommendation is to not even try to read between the lines, not to even try to figure them out.
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Instead, you need to find out for sure.
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Because, like, this is just my opinion, okay?
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I just think it s so misleading to basically, like, come up with conspiracy theories about whether or not they like you back.
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Now don t get me wrong, I m all about conspiracy theories, okay?
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I don t think that there s inherently anything wrong with being a little bit conspiratorial.
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I think it s good to question things.
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I think it s good to analyze things and read between the lines and try to figure things out.
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But you can never come to a conclusion based on a conspiracy.
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It s the same thing with like,
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a conspiracy about, I don t know, whether or not aliens are real.
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It s like, I don t think there s anything wrong with maybe putting together clues and trying to figure out if aliens are real.
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But you can never come to a conclusion unless there s proof, unless there s evidence, unless someone says, here s the science, these are the aliens, they re right here, this is 100% certain.
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You see what I m saying?
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It s the same thing with when you have a crush.
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It s like, until you hear it from their mouth, not necessarily directly, maybe even through the grapevine, but until they say it, you just can t know for sure.
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And so you can never come to a conclusion based on things that are not factual.
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Like, evidence is different than facts, because evidence can sometimes not be accurate.
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It s like when they re solving a murder case.
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Okay?
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They might find fingerprints on some shit, but that doesn t necessarily mean that the person whose fingerprints were on the stuff did the murder.
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There are so many more variables to factor in.
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You can t, you cannot come to a conclusion based on little pieces of evidence like that, right?
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So my piece of advice is if you re like overcome with desperation to figure out if this person likes you back,
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You got to start asking around.
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Maybe you start by asking their friends like, hey, you know, let me confide in you a little bit.
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I have a crush on your friend and I don t know how to handle it.
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Like, I don t know if I should ask them if they feel the same about me or if I should like start to get closer to them.
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Have they ever said anything about me?
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Like, do they like me?
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What do you know?
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And they might be like, uh, I don t know, like, I could ask and get back to you.
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Or they might say, oh yeah, they definitely like you.
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Or they might say, I don t know, like, they re not really dating right now, like, eh.
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Now, that s one way you could go about it.
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Another way you could go about it is you could become closer with this person that you have a crush on, platonically, in a friendly way.
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You could become closer with them.
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And hopefully build a relationship where you have open communication, right?
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Now that takes time.
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That takes patience, okay?
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But then eventually you can be like, listen, I might like you a little more.
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You can make it a silly conversation.
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You could be like, I don t know, this is so embarrassing, but maybe I have a crush on you, whatever.
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And it s no big deal.
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If you don t feel the same way about me, I ll get over it.
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But just let me know.
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Like, what do you think?
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And that s another way of going about it.
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But those are really the only ways to find out for sure.
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You have to find out for certain if you want to know.
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for certain.
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I mean, obviously there are little signs that you can pay attention to in the meantime.
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Like, does it seem like they want to spend time with you a lot?
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Did they ever get a little flirty with you?
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Do you catch them looking at you when you re talking in like a group of friends?
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Are they like staring at you?
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Do they seem a little nervous around you sometimes?
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Or do they get kind of embarrassed sometimes around you?
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Like, yeah, there are all these signs that are not nothing, right?
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But you kind of have to communicate.
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I know.
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Such an annoying piece of advice.
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It s like, you just kind of have to ask.
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I know.
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I know.
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It s annoying.
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Next, somebody, oh my God, wait, listen to this.
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My little kitty is very happy to be hanging out today.
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Okay.
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Okay.
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Next.
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Somebody said, how do I know when to give up on a crush?
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This is the fucking worst.
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Oh my God, this is the actual worst thing ever because, as I mentioned earlier, it s like you can t just turn off a crush.
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But there are times when we must give up on a crush.
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Not only am I gonna tell you how to know when it s time to give up on a crush, in my opinion, but I m also gonna give you some advice on how because that s a whole other beast, figuring out how to give up on the crush.
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Okay.
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So, there s a few ways to come to the conclusion that you need to let this crush go.
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Number one, you find out for certain that they don t like you back.
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Now, to look at it in a glass half full way, they might like you one day.
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Like, there have been times when I ve not had a crush on somebody and then randomly one day I wake up and I have a crush on them and vice versa.
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There have been
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times when I ve liked somebody so much and they ve not liked me back and then all of a sudden one day they like me back.
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That s actually happened to me with two boys in my life.
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One in high school and actually my first boyfriend.
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My first boyfriend did not like me back at first which was fine and we remained friends and then eventually one day they liked me back and I was like what the fuck.
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This was great but also what the fuck.
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So there s a chance that that could happen.
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But it doesn t matter.
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You have to let it go.
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If you know for sure that they don t like you back, that is an obvious reason to let it go.
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But it s not obvious because a lot of times we think to ourselves, well, they might come around and they might like us back.
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That could still be true.
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And chances are, if they do end up liking you down the line, your feelings for them could resurge very easily.
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But it doesn t matter.
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If you know that right now they don t like you back, you gotta let it go.
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If you find that out for certain, you gotta let it go.
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Okay?
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That s number one.
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Number two, if you start to develop feelings for this person, and they start to develop feelings for you, but you start to figure out through this process of you both having a crush on each other, that you re not very compatible with this person.
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Like, I ll give you an example with
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you know, this person I had a crush on a few months ago.
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Nothing ever happened with them.
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We never, like, we were just friends.
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I don t even know if they knew I had a crush on them.
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Like, it was whatever.
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I started to realize that they, like, I was very attracted to them physically, for one.
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which was kind of blinding for me like I just I couldn t they were so gorgeous to me that I like everything that they said and everything that they did to me was perfect because they were hot you know what I mean I was like this is the most gorgeous person I ve ever seen like I cannot fathom this
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So then in the beginning of my crush made me completely aloof to what their personality was like.
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But then over time I started to realize we don t really have a lot to talk about.
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We don t really have a lot in common.
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And not only do we not have a lot in common, but also this person isn t a big talker, okay?
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And I am such a talker and I kind of need to date someone who also likes talking, who can keep up with my excitement about discussing things and analyzing things.
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This person was not like that, okay?
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They re just not a talker.
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And then the stuff that they did talk about was not inherently interesting to me.
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And that s fine.
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There are going to be times when you date people who have interests that don t match up with yours, and it s up to you to find interest in it.
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But it seemed to be like a reoccurring theme where it was like, we re not really having interesting conversation, I don t think.
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Not saying that this person is boring or that they can t have an interesting conversation.
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It s just that
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They have different interests than me and I have different interests than them and we don t have interesting riveting conversation together just because of the nature of who we both are.
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They probably thought I was boring as fuck too just because we don t like the same things.
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And also last but not least I think that we were both really shy people when it comes to like dating like
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If it was ever going to happen, one of us needed to be like the leading force in the situation.
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And I like to date somebody who kind of takes charge in a way.
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Like in general, I just like someone who takes charge.
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And I could tell that that was not what this person was looking for.
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This person was also looking for somebody who would take charge.
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Now I could do that.
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I just didn t want to do that.
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So
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I don t know if this person liked me back or not, but it didn t really matter because I knew deep down, even though I thought that they were the most gorgeous person I d ever laid my eyes on, I knew deep down that this is not somebody I should date.
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They don t line up with me in that way.
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So that s another way to come to the conclusion that you should not have a crush on this person is if you get to know them better and you realize this is not a good partner for me, like I m better off waiting
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and finding someone better.
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Now that s a very hard conclusion to come to, especially if you re like really physically attracted to them.
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But it s important because who you date and who you surround yourself with really impacts your well-being more than you can even imagine.
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So that s why it is important to come to that conclusion as quickly as you can.
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Now, when it comes to letting it go, okay, you have to be patient with yourself because as I ve mentioned now two times prior, you cannot just turn off a crush.
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You can t just turn it off.
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So you have to enter into this journey of letting the crush go with forgiveness and patience with yourself, understanding that it s going to take some time and the feelings are not just going to go away overnight.
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So there s going to be this period of time where you know that you need to end this crush.
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It needs to be over.
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You need to forget about it.
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But the crush is still very much there.
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There s going to be a decently long period of time where that s the case.
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This isn t always doable, depending on who your crush is, if they re in your friend group or whatever, but it can be really nice to distance yourself.
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Again, you can t always do that if they re in your friend group.
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You can t alienate yourself from your friend group because you have a crush on somebody in the group and you need space from them, but try to create as much space as you can between you and that person.
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Hang out with them the least amount possible, okay?
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And it can be tough if this is a friend
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or somebody that you still really like, it can be painful.
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It can almost feel like a breakup.
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But it s so helpful.
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It s helpful in the same way no contact is helpful when you break up with somebody.
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Out of sight, out of mind.
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It s far easier to get over someone if they re not around you all the time.
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So try to get them out of your area as much as possible.
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But if that s not possible, then it just takes patience.
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And you might never fully get over them, but you have to sort of accept the fact that you have this crush and accept the fact that it might never fully go away, but that you can t have this right now.
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And you can hope that maybe one day they ll change their mind and they might like you back, but you can t rely on that.
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So you just sort of have to find acceptance
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And more often than not, the longer you sit with this weird acceptance, but also sort of grief of the fact that you can t be with them,
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The longer you sit with that, the more the feeling just goes away.
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Eventually the crush will go away, at least to a point where it s no longer painful anymore.
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It might be in there a little bit, but it becomes very manageable.
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Another thing you can do is try to find someone else to have a crush on.
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That s what I tend to do when I have a crush on somebody and it s just like,
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Mmm, I gotta let this one go.
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I ll try to find somebody new to have a crush on.
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I ll get excited about that prospect, like, who s next?
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You know, okay, it wasn t this person, but who s next?
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And I let that be sort of a fun distraction from this other crush.
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And maybe during that phase of trying to find a new crush, you distract yourself by being a little bit more social.
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Go and be social.
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Go and try new things where there s new people around who you could potentially have a crush on.
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You know, there s nothing wrong with seeking out a new crush.
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Next, somebody said, I have liked my friend for two years, but keep getting into other relationships to distract
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distract myself?
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What do I do?
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Well, I think for one, you have to sort of break this cycle of using other relationships as a distraction from your ultimate dream, if that makes sense.
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At times, we can put ourselves into subpar situations to sort of hold us over until we can make our dream come true.
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But unfortunately, that s just not how the universe works.
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When you re in another relationship, the door is not open then for what you want to come in.
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Now this goes beyond this specific situation.
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Like, in general, if you re somebody who just can t be alone, and there s nothing, like you re not a bad person if you are, if you re like that, you know?
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It s better to not be like that.
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It s better to work towards finding comfort being alone as well, but there s nothing wrong with you.
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Okay.
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That s a very normal part of being a human.
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A lot of us fear being alone, but you can find yourself in shitty relationships because you d rather be in something shitty than be alone.
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Now the problem with that is, whenever you re in a relationship, energetically, like not to get spiritual with it, but I swear, it feels like energetically, nothing new and better and improved can come in unless you re completely single, free, independent, open.
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If you re in another relationship, the universe and whatever powers that be will not give you a replacement like you want it to.
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I don t know why, but I just feel like it feels spiritual almost how the universe just does not want to give you that when you re in another relationship.
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And I have absolutely experienced this.
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I ve been like, oh, maybe I ll just stay in this for a little longer and see if something else comes my way that s better.
2
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Guess what?
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That doesn t happen a lot, okay?
2
SPEAKER_00
What tends to happen is the second that you let that person go and you re single again and you re free and you re finding your independence and you re happy without anyone else, not even happy, and you re fulfilled being alone for the time being,
2
SPEAKER_00
That s when the universe gives you something new.
2
SPEAKER_00
I swear it happens to me without fail every single time.
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SPEAKER_00
So that s the first step.
2
SPEAKER_00
You need to be single for this.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s not fair to you or the people that you re dating to be in the relationship just to avoid pain.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like you re avoiding the pain that comes with having a crush on your friend and being too afraid to ruin the friendship to have a conversation about it and to really figure it out.
2
SPEAKER_00
Any relationship built on a foundation of running away from something is not good and not healthy.
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SPEAKER_00
and it s not fair.
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SPEAKER_00
It s not fair to you and it s not fair to the other person.
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SPEAKER_00
It s actually even more unfair for the other person.
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SPEAKER_00
So, I would say for now, you need to be single.
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That s step one.
2
SPEAKER_00
Step two, you gotta have the conversation.
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SPEAKER_00
It s been two years
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SPEAKER_00
And you re starting to fall into sort of self-sabotaging behavior.
2
SPEAKER_00
You re getting yourself into shitty relationships, which is not benefiting your quality of life.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like, you re better off going to your friend, having a conversation about it, and potentially even ruining the friendship for a period of time.
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SPEAKER_00
You re better off doing that than you are continuing the way that you are now.
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SPEAKER_00
For your own well-being and quality of life, you have to communicate at this point.
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SPEAKER_00
In my opinion, okay?
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In my opinion.
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SPEAKER_00
I think you just need to have the conversation and be like, listen, I don t want this to be weird, but I do kind of wish we could date.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like, how fun would it be?
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SPEAKER_00
What do you think?
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You want to or no?
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SPEAKER_00
Like, you can make it silly.
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SPEAKER_00
You can make it lighthearted.
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SPEAKER_00
And it s also important to give them an out so that they feel like they can say, no, I don t have feelings for you.
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SPEAKER_00
in that way, and they don t feel like you re going to be mad.
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SPEAKER_00
And if you are able to execute that type of conversation, you might end up disappointed.
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SPEAKER_00
You might not get the result that you want.
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SPEAKER_00
But at least you know then what you re working with, because it s impossible to make a choice, a positive choice,
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SPEAKER_00
to help you move forward if you don t know if they like you back or not.
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SPEAKER_00
You can t make a decision.
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SPEAKER_00
So at least having this conversation will let you know so you can act accordingly.
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SPEAKER_00
If they like you, then it s like, okay, well, this is amazing.
2
SPEAKER_00
Now you can date, whatever, blah, blah, blah, happily ever after.
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SPEAKER_00
If they don t like you, then now you know, okay, you know what?
2
SPEAKER_00
I need to let this one go and I need to start taking the steps to let this go.
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SPEAKER_00
And
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I need to start seeking out new people who maybe I could develop crushes on, who will like me back, who I can date in a way that s genuine and authentic, you know?
2
SPEAKER_00
Next, somebody said, how to make a hookup casual without catching feelings.
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SPEAKER_00
I m in shambles.
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SPEAKER_00
Okay, so my advice for this is like weirdly goes against my morals, but it s like the only way I ve been able to do it is as follows.
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If you hook up with someone who you don t like that much, you will not catch feelings for them.
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Now, the reason why this is challenging is because a lot of times you don t want to hook up with somebody that you don t like.
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SPEAKER_00
It s like we want to hook up with people who we like a lot.
2
SPEAKER_00
But at times you can find this perfect middle ground where it s someone who you maybe find physically attractive, or you maybe think that they re funny or something, but there s enough about them that you don t like that it s safe, you won t catch feelings.
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SPEAKER_00
But there s enough also about them that you do like so that it s not repulsive for you to hook up with them.
2
SPEAKER_00
The reason why this is against my morals is because I just feel like there s something gross about being like, yeah, I don t like this person that much.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m going to hook up with them because they might like you a lot.
2
SPEAKER_00
And that feels gross to me.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like, I don t know.
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SPEAKER_00
I think it is fine to do that.
2
SPEAKER_00
I ve done that.
2
SPEAKER_00
I have done that.
2
SPEAKER_00
In fact, like every random hookup that I ve had that s not led to me dating the person has been a hookup that I made a tactful choice about.
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SPEAKER_00
I was like, I will never want to date this person.
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SPEAKER_00
But they re hot enough to me in one way or another that I could do this once or twice.
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SPEAKER_00
You know what I mean?
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So that s my honest advice, is you just have to choose someone who you don t like, which is a little bit less fun, I ll be honest.
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SPEAKER_00
But I think the other thing to consider is what type of person are you, okay?
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So let s use me for example.
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I m a relationship girl.
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I love being in relationships.
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SPEAKER_00
that s my favorite way of dating.
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SPEAKER_00
Like some people love being single and they love just hooking up with everybody and they don t have a problem catching feelings and that s what makes them happy okay.
2
SPEAKER_00
Some people like to be in open relationships like everybody s so different so you need to figure out what you are in the dating world, who you are in the dating world.
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SPEAKER_00
I ll use me again as an example.
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SPEAKER_00
I tend to catch feelings pretty vividly
2
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And I can get my heart broken pretty easily if things don t go the way that I wanted them to.
2
SPEAKER_00
I get sad because I like being attached to boys.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like, I like being attached to them, you know?
2
SPEAKER_00
I m not somebody who has a guard around their heart and can pick and choose when they re super close with somebody and when they, you know, have really deep feelings for somebody.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m just not like that.
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SPEAKER_00
I m prone to relationships.
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SPEAKER_00
So with that being said,
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SPEAKER_00
I can t just like casually hook up with someone I have a crush on.
2
SPEAKER_00
I can t do that.
2
SPEAKER_00
Because if they don t like me back, it will absolutely destroy my life.
2
SPEAKER_00
I can t hook up with somebody that I m really, really into.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like if I just met someone and I m like, damn, they kind of seem perfect so far, you know, I try not to hook up with that person because I need to know that they like me back and that we like each other before I can hook up with them because I will get destroyed otherwise.
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SPEAKER_00
So that s just who I am.
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SPEAKER_00
So the only types of people that I can casually hook up with somewhat successfully is people that I don t really like that much.
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SPEAKER_00
And I know that I will never like them.
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SPEAKER_00
And you can tell.
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SPEAKER_00
You re like, maybe they re kind of cringe to you.
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SPEAKER_00
Maybe their style is just not your style.
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SPEAKER_00
Maybe they re not that riveting to talk to.
2
SPEAKER_00
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
2
SPEAKER_00
you know that there s something about them that is never going to work for you.
2
SPEAKER_00
But that comes at a cost too, because when you hook up with someone like that, sometimes you can feel a little icky about it after.
2
SPEAKER_00
In fact, I have many times where I m like, I went into this for the wrong reasons, but also because I don t like them very much, the experience kind of felt icky.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know, it kind of felt gross.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like I don t,
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SPEAKER_00
I don t need somebody touching me like that who I don t really, really like.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like, that can sometimes feel icky.
2
SPEAKER_00
So, it s kind of a catch-22.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s very hard.
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SPEAKER_00
You just might not be somebody who can naturally hook up with people and compartmentalize your feelings.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like, some people can just do that.
2
SPEAKER_00
I can t.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s all too serious to me.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like, I put having sex with people on a pedestal.
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SPEAKER_00
It means something to me.
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SPEAKER_00
And so, I don t know.
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think it s a very hard thing to navigate.
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SPEAKER_00
You just might not be the type of person who can do it in a way that is positive.
3
SPEAKER_00
for your life.
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SPEAKER_00
I feel like I m that way.
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SPEAKER_00
Like, I just, I can t do it in a way that has a net positive in my life.
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SPEAKER_00
That s just who I am.
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SPEAKER_00
And you might be the same way.
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SPEAKER_00
So it s about figuring out who you are.
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SPEAKER_00
You don t need to casually hook up with people.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like, I ve come to the conclusion now that I m probably never gonna have a one night stand again.
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SPEAKER_00
And I m saying that in general.
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SPEAKER_00
I m not just saying that because of what, like,
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SPEAKER_00
what situation I m in or not in right now, it doesn t matter.
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SPEAKER_00
Like, no matter what situation I m in in the future, I don t think I ll ever do that again.
3
SPEAKER_00
Because it doesn t fucking work with me.
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SPEAKER_00
I take sex too seriously to be able to almost do it casually.
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SPEAKER_00
It s too deep for me.
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SPEAKER_00
It s too vulnerable for me.
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SPEAKER_00
And you know what?
3
SPEAKER_00
There s nothing wrong with that.
3
SPEAKER_00
There s nothing wrong with looking at sex in a sacred way.
3
SPEAKER_00
There s also nothing wrong with looking at it in a casual way.
3
SPEAKER_00
There s nothing wrong with that.
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SPEAKER_00
It s just how you view it.
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SPEAKER_00
There s no like, you know, moral right and wrong in how you view sex.
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SPEAKER_00
But if you are somebody who sees it as something more sacred, which is why you tend to save it for people that you really like, which ends up making it not casual at all and you end up catching feelings, or you end up feeling icky if you have sex with people that you don t really like because you re like, what the hell?
3
SPEAKER_00
Like, I just did something that I feel is sacred with somebody who is not sacred to me.
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SPEAKER_00
That feels icky.
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SPEAKER_00
If you re somebody who s like that, you just might not be able to have casual sex with people.
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SPEAKER_00
like me.
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SPEAKER_00
But then there are some people who see sex as casual, who don t take it as seriously, who maybe are more sexual by nature.
3
SPEAKER_00
They can hook up with whoever, like that s a different, I can t even give advice about that mindset because I don t know anything about it.
3
SPEAKER_00
But that s another type of person, you know what I mean?
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SPEAKER_00
And it s just easier for that type of person.
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I have a feeling that if you re asking me this question, you re not that type of person.
3
SPEAKER_00
Because that type of person doesn t need advice on this.
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But there s nothing wrong with experimenting.
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Don t let me discourage you from experimenting.
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SPEAKER_00
If you re like, fuck, I really do want to figure out a way to hook up with people casually, experiment.
3
SPEAKER_00
Try hooking up with somebody that you don t really like, who, like, you still think is cool, and you re still attracted to them, but who you know you d never want to date.
3
SPEAKER_00
Try it.
3
SPEAKER_00
See if it works for you.
3
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See what positives and negatives come with that.
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I understand being in shambles about it, though, because, my God, have I been there.
3
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The last thing I m going to say about it, too, is that there is sort of this societal pressure to have casual sex.
3
SPEAKER_00
Now, it s funny because it wasn t that way, you know, 50 years ago.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like casual sex was not as accepted.
3
SPEAKER_00
But even more bizarrely, it was like ashamed of.
3
SPEAKER_00
Whereas now, at least in Gen Z, it s like cool and hot to be very sexual, actively sexual, actively having sex.
3
SPEAKER_00
you know, casual hookups as much as possible.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, we live in the in the era of hookup culture.
3
SPEAKER_00
So it is praised to be very sexually active with many different partners and to be exploratory.
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SPEAKER_00
And I think that that s great.
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I don t think there s anything
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inherently wrong with that.
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However, there are some people like me who do not thrive in that environment, who do not thrive in that lifestyle.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay?
3
SPEAKER_00
It makes me miserable and it makes me feel icky.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it s not because I m old fashioned and it s not because I m... No, it s because to me, sex is a sacred thing that I only like to have with some people who I really, really, really, really, really, really like.
3
SPEAKER_00
And that s when sex is the most fun for me as well.
3
SPEAKER_00
Sex is not fun for me when it s with a random person.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s not fun.
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SPEAKER_00
I don t like it.
3
SPEAKER_00
I feel weirded out.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m too nervous.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m uncomfortable.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s not like I m gonna fucking... Am I gonna have an orgasm?
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SPEAKER_00
No.
3
SPEAKER_00
Are they gonna be able to figure that out?
3
SPEAKER_00
No.
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SPEAKER_00
So, like, it s pointless for me.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s like, we re not in a rhythm.
3
SPEAKER_00
You don t know me.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is weird.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t really like you.
3
SPEAKER_00
Why am I doing this with you?
3
SPEAKER_00
Ew.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like, ew.
3
SPEAKER_00
It just gives me the ick.
3
SPEAKER_00
It gives me the ick, okay?
3
SPEAKER_00
So it s okay to feel that way.
3
SPEAKER_00
A lot of us who are similar to me feel bad or weird or shameful about the fact that we can t have casual sex.
3
SPEAKER_00
But there s nothing wrong with waiting for a partner who you have more trust with, who you have a deeper bond with, who you have more of a commitment to.
3
SPEAKER_00
There s nothing wrong with that.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I can almost guarantee you that for the remainder of my life, I probably will not hook up with random people.
3
SPEAKER_00
I just don t see it ever happening again for me.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think I ve learned my lesson enough.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay, last but not least, somebody said, how to flirt dot dot dot.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay, here s the thing.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m not the best flirter.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay, I don t have the most insane game.
3
SPEAKER_00
In fact,
3
SPEAKER_00
I tend to be very platonic with people I have a crush on, to a fault.
3
SPEAKER_00
I tend to be very reliant on the other person making a move on me, and then I ll, you know, slowly but surely arrive, you know what I mean?
3
SPEAKER_00
I will arrive eventually, but I tend to let the boys, you know, I tend to let them take over for me.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t really need to do it.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s okay, you guys can do it for me.
3
SPEAKER_00
You can be the one to grab my hand.
3
SPEAKER_00
You can be the one to give me a little side hug randomly at a random time or something.
3
SPEAKER_00
You can be the one to compliment my outfit.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m not going to do it first.
3
SPEAKER_00
No.
3
SPEAKER_00
No, I m not going to do it first.
3
SPEAKER_00
However, I ve flirted before.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s not that I have not.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s just that I tend to rely on the other person to do it, which is lazy of me.
3
SPEAKER_00
But I think the biggest mistake that we make in flirting is to take advice.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s actually my advice.
3
SPEAKER_00
Don t listen to anyone else s advice about flirting.
3
SPEAKER_00
Because here s the thing.
3
SPEAKER_00
Flirting is something that has to be natural.
3
SPEAKER_00
It has to be authentic to you.
3
SPEAKER_00
When it s not, and when you re taking advice from somebody else, it feels forced.
3
SPEAKER_00
It feels inauthentic and it s not as effective.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, it s all about experimenting and figuring out what works for you.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, some people,
3
SPEAKER_00
They like to do a little hand touch or like a little arm touch when they re talking.
3
SPEAKER_00
Nothing that gets in the way of somebody else s privacy.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, it s not like a, it s just like a little tap, you know, like little contact.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think that that s completely reasonable.
3
SPEAKER_00
Some people like doing that and that s what comes naturally to them.
3
SPEAKER_00
Some people like to be complimentary of the other person.
3
SPEAKER_00
Maybe that s what comes naturally for you.
3
SPEAKER_00
Some people like to sort of make fun of the other person in a way that s harmless, you know?
3
SPEAKER_00
That might be the way that you do it.
3
SPEAKER_00
Some people like to have really good eye contact.
3
SPEAKER_00
Some people like to, I don t know, there s so many different ways to do it and there s really no wrong way to do it unless you re obviously doing something that makes the other person feel uncomfortable, right?
3
SPEAKER_00
it s always better to err on the side of caution and be more conservative with your flirting because you want to make sure that the other person doesn t feel uncomfortable.
3
SPEAKER_00
But other than that, there s no wrong way to do it.
3
SPEAKER_00
In fact, the best way to do it is to do it in your way.
3
SPEAKER_00
So, like, don t listen to what anyone else says.
3
SPEAKER_00
If someone says, oh yeah, like,
3
SPEAKER_00
I always use this one line on people.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m like, you know, hey, your hand looks warm.
3
SPEAKER_00
Maybe I could get you a cold drink for that.
3
SPEAKER_00
Would you like me to buy you a drink?
3
SPEAKER_00
It s the worst.
3
SPEAKER_00
I just came up with that.
3
SPEAKER_00
I just came up with that.
3
SPEAKER_00
And if you ever use that, you will never...
3
SPEAKER_00
8 years of bad luck.
3
SPEAKER_00
Don t ever say that.
3
SPEAKER_00
But you get what I m saying.
3
SPEAKER_00
If somebody gives you some advice like that, don t follow it because it s not going to work for you.
3
SPEAKER_00
You have to find your own way with it.
3
SPEAKER_00
And you have to just be intuitive with it.
3
SPEAKER_00
My biggest piece of advice is if you can find a way to calm down,
3
SPEAKER_00
and to settle into your own body again when you re around somebody who you re interested in, that will naturally allow you to flirt.
3
SPEAKER_00
We tend to focus on like, how do we flirt?
3
SPEAKER_00
How do we flirt?
3
SPEAKER_00
When what we should really be focusing on is how can we be as comfortable and as ourselves as possible when we re around somebody we re interested in.
3
SPEAKER_00
We re focusing on the wrong thing because naturally if you can find a way to take this person off the pedestal and be comfortable around them, the flirting will just come.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s what we forget about.
3
SPEAKER_00
We re too focused on how to flirt and less focused on how do we just be ourselves around this person.
3
SPEAKER_00
So I would say that s my advice.
3
SPEAKER_00
Anyway,
3
SPEAKER_00
That s all I have for today.
3
SPEAKER_00
I wish you all luck on your journey with your crushes.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s double-edged sword, you know.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s fun, but it s a nightmare, but it s exhilarating and distracting, but it s torturous and painful.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s just one of those things.
3
SPEAKER_00
Anyway, I love you all.
3
SPEAKER_00
Thank you all so much for listening and hanging out.
3
SPEAKER_00
I hope that you enjoyed it.
3
SPEAKER_00
If you did, tune in Thursdays and Sundays, new episodes twice a week anywhere that you stream podcasts, although video is exclusive to Spotify.
3
SPEAKER_00
Check out Anything Goes on Instagram and Anything Goes on TikTok at
3
SPEAKER_00
anything goes, you can follow me on Instagram at Emma Chamberlain on YouTube, Emma Chamberlain on TikTok.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t really know, my username is changing like every 30 minutes right now, but I m back on TikTok, which is super weird, but find me on TikTok.
4
SPEAKER_00
Now that I m back on there, check out my coffee company, Chamberlain Coffee.
4
SPEAKER_00
You can find us online, chamberlaincoffee.com.
4
SPEAKER_00
You can find a store locator on chamberlaincoffee.com and see if we re in a store near you, or just order us online.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s even easier.
4
SPEAKER_00
That s all I have for today.
4
SPEAKER_00
I love you all.
4
SPEAKER_00
I appreciate you all, and I can t wait to talk to you soon.
4
SPEAKER_00
I ll talk to you in a few days, and I just love you.