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Welcome to the Art of Charm.
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I m your host, Jordan Harbinger.
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I m here with producer Jason DeFilippo.
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Here at the Art of Charm, we may not have all the answers, but we certainly have some of the questions, and today on Fan Mail Friday, those questions come from you.
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, Fan Mail Friday, not the best place to start, in my humble opinion, because most of our content is much more in-depth, it s longer format, lots of interviews with people you may or may not have heard of before, but everyone has something important to teach us, so check out The Best Of.
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at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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That s where we ve got the fundamentals of reading body language and nonverbal communication, the science of attraction, negotiation techniques, networking, mentorship, influence, persuasion tactics, and everything else we re teaching here at the Art of Charm.
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We ll send all of this to your inbox if you text charmed, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D, to 33444 here in the States.
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Everywhere else, go to theartofcharm.com.
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Alright, let s cut to it.
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Whether it s video games, melting my brain on Hulu, whatever it is, there s a significant chunk of time I m not using to better myself every day.
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So how do I take that next step?
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How do I go from most of my day being productive to my entire day being productive?
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How do I find things to fill in the gaps throughout my days that can still make me a better person, whether it s economically, educationally, socially, or in my career?
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I want to do everything I can to be successful, but don t know how to utilize the remainder time that I have.
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Thanks in advance, Seth.
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Hey Seth, one thing that I would tell you really just to pay attention to, it took me a few decades of life to realize this, rest is productive.
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Rest is very productive.
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It just doesn t feel that way because you re not making anything that you can see.
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You don t have your hands on something and you re not expending energy, but you are collecting energy to be used later.
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at a high leverage point, which is when you re writing, when you re painting, when you re doing whatever it is that you like to do or something for your career, you don t have to be on all the time.
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And it took me years and years and years and years to learn that, and it still takes me a lot of time to sort of get that through my head, but you don t have to be and should not be on all the time.
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all the time.
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If you really can t relax or you want to be productive when you relax, try reading audio books, listening to podcasts like this should help.
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They re productive and they re largely passive, so you can chill or even tune out a bit and just relax, especially with the podcasts themselves.
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So I would say, look, if you really need to do that, then do that, but don t be afraid to lay down and take a nap from time to time, man.
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You re killing yourself, you re burning yourself out, and for what?
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I mean, Hulu?
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No, not worth it.
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All right, next up.
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My plan is to work here 2-3 years to build experience before searching for a job with higher pay and more responsibility.
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I m assigned to 4 accounts of our company s many, and one of my accounts seems to have taken a great liking to me.
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The CEO told me he sees me having a future with this company which is great because I would kill to work for them.
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So here s my question.
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When it comes time next year to begin searching for the new job, assuming my account has not made an offer to me yet, should I approach them directly, and if so, how?
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Is it reasonable to approach them to ask about a position before I begin my job search, or do I need to wait until I have an offer from another company first and give them a chance to make a counteroffer if they wish?
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I don t want them to think I m trying to make a play.
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However, I don t plan to stick around forever at my current job waiting for this account to make an offer to me.
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Thank you, William.
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and that ll give you leverage and give you a picture of what s out there as well as a backup plan.
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So not only will it help you leverage a little bit of what you ve got in terms of the offers coming from your employer, it ll also let you know, well wait a minute, I really love my employer but this place looks like they re up to even more or maybe this place looks like more fun or more interesting or higher caliber or wow, I m in a really good place, I should fight to stay where I am and make sure that they know I m really interested in working there.
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You don t have a complete picture right now.
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Interviews will help you get that, and it will also test the waters so that your current company can t just kick you to the curb with no warning.
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Do not wait on them.
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Do not wait on them, your current company.
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They don t know your timeline.
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They have no urgency, especially if they re just saying, yeah, yeah, maybe there s something coming up in the future.
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That s not a promise, that s not an offer.
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It also gives them all the leverage if you do wait, if they know they re your only offer.
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If you don t have other offers on the table and they know that somehow, maybe you ve told them or maybe they just know or maybe they don t even care, they hold all the cards in that case.
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So don t let that happen to you.
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Time is on your side right now, but it is always, always, always against us in the long run.
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So keep us posted and make sure you get yourself out there ASAP.
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All right, next up.
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This is a response from Aaron on Facebook to the reply to Passion or Paycheck about staying in the service or getting out.
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Hey AOC crew, I was just listening to your fan mail Friday and I heard the response to Passion or Paychecks question.
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I believe it was Chris who recommended that P or P stay in the military.
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I respect his opinion, but I would like to offer a counter view.
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I m in a similar situation as P or P. I currently have 12 years of active duty time in the army and I ve decided to get out.
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I understand the fear and apprehension of giving up that guaranteed pay for life, but listen, there s more than one way to still achieve the same goal.
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The problem is most people in the military are not educated about how to actually achieve that goal without slogging through 20 years of active duty service.
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People are quick to say, just suck it up.
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It s only eight more years.
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But as you pointed out in your response, eight years is an eternity, especially if you don t like what you re doing or you are just doing it for the money.
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There is a compromise.
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I would recommend that P or P educate themselves on the reserves.
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Instead of cutting ties, join the reserves and enjoy many of the same benefits with more flexibility.
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In the reserves, you get healthcare at a low price, you still earn time towards your retirement, you still maintain a lot of military benefits, but you have more flexibility.
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This is what I m going to do.
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I m going on 13 years of active duty service, and I will need only 7 more years to hit that magical 20.
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I will still get a retirement for life, but the difference is that I can t collect until I m 60, and it will be a little less.
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You can increase that by staying in longer than 20, which I think is much more doable when you re doing it one weekend a month, two weeks in the summer.
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I agree with you in that P or P should pursue training now instead of waiting.
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But you re right.
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Only P or P can make this decision.
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Although we are part of the greatest fighting force in the world, fear holds us back.
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Don t make an uninformed decision based on fear.
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There are always ways to do both.
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I would suggest that anyone considering a decision like this check out the Military Wallet.
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It s a wealth of information and he has his own podcast.
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Well worth the listen.
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Thanks Aaron for that.
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That was awesome.
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I love that the AOC family looks out for each other.
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It s just so cool to see and I really appreciate it.
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Hopefully everybody who s running into the same thing with like passion or paycheck
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will take something away from this.
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There s a lot here, even if you re not in the service, there s a lot to learn about moving on from one career to the next.
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In fact, I just got that question yesterday during my Facebook Live Q&A, which I do inside the AOC Challenge Group.
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If you guys are not in there, I do Facebook Live Q&A every week, every other week, where you can just ask me stuff just like this, and I ll reply in real time, and that s at theartofcharm.com slash challenge.
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Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
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They say if you do what you love, you never work a day in your life.
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That s why you need Kajabi.
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There are thousands of creators on Kajabi making six and seven figures with less than 50,000 followers.
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Right now, Kajabi is offering a free 30-day trial to start your business if you go to kajabi.com slash charm.
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That s K-A-J-A-B-I dot com slash charm.
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entrepreneurs who have made over $7 billion.
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Whether it s trouble at home or a workplace dilemma, the coaches will help you find a winning formula for success.
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You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
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Thanks for listening and supporting the Art of Charm.
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For a list of all of the amazing sponsors and discount codes, visit theartofcharm.com slash advertisers.
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Now, back to Fan Mail Friday.
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All right, next up.
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Hi, Jordan and AOC team.
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I ve been listening to your podcast for some time now, and I really appreciate the range of topics that you discuss and the honesty that you show during Fan Mail Friday.
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I ve been struggling with an issue in light of the recent election.
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I ve been trying to keep myself informed on the issues so that I can make an educated decision when I vote this year.
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I ve started reading a variety of daily newspapers and using social media to find differing opinions on pretty much all of the issues this election cycle.
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Here s the problem.
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I ve found that ever since I ve started to learn more about current events of the world, I ve noticed a large decline in my happiness.
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This is affecting my relationships with friends, co-workers, and family, because people really don t want to talk about politics, and it seems like politics are all that I can talk about.
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With the algorithms that Google and social media platforms use, I find my feeds and searches full of stories about current events and the candidates this election cycle.
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I can t seem to escape this hole I ve dug.
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My question is this.
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How can I remain informed about the world and the election without influencing my happiness and relationships?
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I find that when I m having conversations, all I can talk about is an article that I ve read, a podcast that I listened to, or a post that I saw on Facebook.
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I would really appreciate any advice that you have for me to direct my focus elsewhere and have other things to talk with my friends about.
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Thank you for your time.
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Signed, Needs a Shovel.
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We re all in the same boat here, man.
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I like to keep myself informed, but let me tell you, there s so much junk out there.
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And it really sucks because the news cycle is designed to trigger fight or flight.
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It s bad for your health.
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They re going to figure that out in a few years.
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I mean, right now, they ve already kind of figured it out.
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But what we haven t figured out is that the
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oh my God, explosion, loud music, dramatic tone on TV is actually causing health damage and probably anxiety disorders.
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I m sure that s only a matter of time till they can prove that stuff.
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And I ll tell ya, I m happier not worrying about the latest BuzzFeed article, blocking things like that.
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We just got a working cable TV in the house, which was a mistake.
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Jenny got it because it made our internet half price.
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They re now basically paying you to take TV.
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and it s awful, and so I keep it unplugged, and we don t use it, and it s really kind of a habit I just do not want anyone in my house to get into flipping on the TV to see what s on.
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That is just the worst use of time.
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And so what we re talking about here, Shovel, is something called the low information diet, and here s how I do it.
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I don t watch a lot of TV, I don t read a lot of stuff on the internet, I do read a lot of books, and so the way the low information diet works is, it s not actually low information, it s low quality information.
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So it s not like a diet where you just decide, I m gonna eat one salad a day.
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This is more like a diet where you go, hey, I m not gonna eat birthday cake for breakfast anymore, which is what we re doing when we re watching TV and reading dumb BuzzFeed articles with animated pictures of Kim Kardashian rolling her eyes.
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So the way that this diet works is you cut out all that crap, you can still do deep dives, you can still watch documentaries, and you can still talk with other people, and that s what I use to base my decisions on.
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I talk with other people who are critical thinkers, who have similar values, I ask them who they re voting for and why, how the propositions work, what s going to happen, what they think, and I might read an in-depth analysis of that as well.
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And there s plenty of other benefit to staying informed.
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You get a good education, you become a little bit more worldly, but it s not worth sacrificing your sanity and your happiness.
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It s just not.
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And I made the choice long ago to stay informed by doing deep dives, but not just with regular news, which is designed to trigger that fight or flight, but to keep people s attention.
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but to really learn something about a subject.
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And the good news is that it becomes easier later down the line.
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Once you do deep dives on some subjects and you learn them really well, your critical thinking skills improve, which means it s easier to do deep dives on other subjects because of that background.
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And then when you hear something like, oh, this person must have done this bad thing, you can sort of go, wait a minute, that doesn t check out with other things that I know about the world and how the world works, and you start to become a little bit more bulletproof.
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and stress-proof yourself from some of this crap that s being shoveled your way just to get your attention in hopes that that will convert to your vote or your money.
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And I know that s kind of a long way of saying, watch less TV, read less crap on the internet, but it has to be done in a certain way, otherwise you re just going to become detached and unplugged, and I don t think that s that great for you either, unless you re willing to do the hermit thing.
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You know, that reminds me of something that s funny, the whole cable TV thing.
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The only other time that I had cable since, man, probably like my childhood, was when we first started AOC, we were based in Manhattan, and this apartment that we were renting, somehow they had just left the cable on, or the landlord included it, I can t remember.
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And this apartment was ridiculous, because all of our coaches lived there, and it was, aside from me and AJ and Johnny and the other partners who are still here, these other coaches, they worked and lived in this apartment, and there was probably one or two bedrooms, but there were like six or seven guys working for us at this time, interns, coaches, and things like that.
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And so, instead of splitting up the rooms, they had different weeks where they could take the rooms and stuff like that, and so they pitched
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I m not even kidding Jason they pitched tents in the living room of this apartment and they literally had tents in there and like camping tents and so they would have people come over and they d have to either take the tent down or like slide it so they could use the couch in the living room.
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It was completely ridiculous.
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And I remember them, I remember this guy coming in and going, okay, how do you bring friends back here?
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And he meant like female friends and girlfriends and stuff like that.
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And I ll tell you, they would do it and they d be like, I set up a surprise for you.
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We re gonna go camping in my living room.
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And they loved it.
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And I just thought this is such a funny reframe, right?
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Not, I live in a tent in this apartment with a bunch of other dudes, but we re gonna go camping in New York City.
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And I just thought, you know, it s as juvenile and ingenious as those two.
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You just turn the ingenuity and the juvenile BS up to 11, and somehow it still worked.
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Fortunately, though, the show has grown up since then, I d like to think.
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And yeah, that story has nothing to do with cable TV, but I thought it was funny.
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So there you go.
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Let s carry on, shall we?
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I was curious when I saw your toolbox for women and I was extremely disappointed when I clicked on it.
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Other than the one about surviving the unthinkable, the only podcasts for women are about dieting and getting a man.
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Is that really all you think women care about?
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That s insulting.
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I fear you guys have not matured as much in your view of women as I thought.
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What about other issues that women care about?
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Career?
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Friends?
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Other self-improvement?
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A more woman-focused career podcast about how to navigate the world while having to deal with sexism and unconscious bias?
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There are plenty of topics that could be more geared towards women that don t have to be about getting a man or what size dress we fit in.
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I hope one day you ll figure that out.
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Signed, Frustrated Female.
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I totally get where you re coming from.
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I think you re mistaken, though.
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The Toolbox for Women is dating-specific, just as the Toolbox for Men started out dating-specific, as did the entire show, which started out dating-specific.
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I highly suggest starting with the other 550 episodes that are not gender-specific.
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And on another note, I actually noticed that hundreds of women write to the show and get tons of value, and I love that.
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The AOC sisters are some of the best and most caring and vocal fans of the show, as evidenced in part by Aaron who wrote back earlier on Facebook to help out a fellow veteran.
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I genuinely love talking with AOC sisters about pretty much any topic, dating or otherwise.
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Now that said, I notice that sometimes, rarely, in cases like this, I see a special kind of victim card being played.
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And I m absolutely not saying that sexism and unconscious bias don t exist, far from it.
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I think that one of the biggest problems in society is unconscious bias of all kinds, something this show focuses on quite a bit, I might add.
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However, when one assumes, as seems to be the case here, that there s some sort of sexist reason for something, such as the topic of a particular episode, rather than a rational explanation, such as the fact that a dating toolbox for women is actually supposed to be about dating, then the problem comes right back around to bite us all in the butt.
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But, because you see, Kim, when you look for things like unconscious bias in everything that you don t like, you are sure to find it.
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And that s not a world I want to live in.
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So Kim, let s make the choice together to give the benefit of the doubt or, if that fails, at least read the show notes on the page header in the toolbox that clearly describes the content of a given show in order to avoid being offended at that same content.
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That way you won t face the challenge of finding prejudice and affront in everything that you see.
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I mean, being insulted by everything like this, it s just too much freaking work.
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But thanks for being a fan of the show.
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Of course we re going to be doing more Toolbox episodes for both men and women.
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The ones that are gender specific are generally going to be about dating.
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No plans to change that because dating is one of the areas where the advice truly is different and doesn t apply to both sexes at the same time.
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Hope y all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget you can email us friday at theartofcharm.com to get your questions answered on the air.
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A link to the show notes for this episode can and shall be found at theartofcharm.com slash FMF88.
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Also, don t forget about the AOC challenge.
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That s where I do those Facebook Live Q&A dealios.
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You can text charmed, that s C-H-A-R-M-E,
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M-E-D-2-3-3-4-4-4 here in the states or wherever you are.
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You can go to theartofcharm.com and we ll take you step by step at becoming better at making personal and professional connections, becoming a better networker, increasing your personal social capital and your charisma.
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And yes, it s for both guys and gals because it s not about dating.
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So check that out.
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Text CHARMED
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C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444 in the states or everywhere else.
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Just go to theartofcharm.com.
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You know, I say it s not about dating, but I ll be honest, I feel like a third to 40% of the guys in there, and guys, well, guys and gals in there are gonna use it to meet someone special, and I friggin  hope they do, because networking and dating are very, very similar, hence the evolution of the show itself.
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And by the way, I m doing a lot of speaking, not just on Facebook Live.
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If you re interested in having me come and speak to your organization, especially if you run a company, charity, whatever, reach out to me here, jordanattheartofcharm.com.
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And I want to give some quick shout-outs, too, and I m gonna butcher this, Vilda Shutvaj out in Norway.
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Vilda loves listening to the show, she loves applying things to her dating and her professional life, and I appreciate that, and I appreciate her letting me know.
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And Adam Solano and his lady friend Sam, both lovely people, really glad
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We met up in Sydney, brother.
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Really, really cool to meet fans from around the world when I m around the world.
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And if you re in a strange land listening to my familiar voice, hit me up and I ll shout you out.
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It d be my pleasure.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com, including info on our live residential boot camps, those we run every week here in LA.
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So if you really want to dig into this stuff and work on your AOC skills with us as your coaches, go to bootcamp.theartofcharm.com.
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Now stay charming, get out there and connect, and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to the Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.