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I think that it s incredibly beneficial to check in every once in a while and figure out the ways that you are toxic.
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Now don t feel attacked, okay?
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Because we re all a little toxic.
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You can t get through life without being a little bit toxic.
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And there are levels to it.
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Some people are far more toxic than others.
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There are also different types of toxic.
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Like some people are more toxic to themselves.
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Other people are more toxic to the people around them.
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It s neither here nor there.
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Everyone is a little bit toxic.
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And I think to deny that everyone s a little toxic is to create a problem.
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Because if you choose to turn a blind eye to the ways that you re toxic and to the ways that other people are toxic, people you love maybe, how are you able to improve and grow?
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All of this to say, I ve decided to make a list of all the ways that I m currently toxic.
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And today I m going to be sharing them with you because I think that this will be beneficial for me.
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And maybe it ll make you feel better about looking inward and figuring out the ways that you re toxic because there s nothing wrong with it.
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There s nothing wrong with it.
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It s very easy to be avoidant when it comes to our own toxic traits because a lot of times people don t confront us about them.
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A lot of times we can blame our toxic traits on other people or various things in our lives.
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sometimes our toxic traits only impact us.
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So no one else even knows about these toxic traits.
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And the only one who can confront us is us.
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There s a lot of reasons why it s challenging to address our toxic traits, but it s so healthy and it s so crucial and it s so good.
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And so today I m going to be going through my toxic traits.
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Some of them are worse than others.
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Okay.
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Some of them are really no big deal and some of them are far worse.
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and far more harmful for me or maybe even for others.
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But I m going to lay it all out for you today.
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And I m also going to brainstorm some ways that I can fix these toxic traits, because what s the point of listing them without brainstorming a solution?
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That sounds toxic.
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Actually, that in itself is toxic.
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To start, I think my most toxic trait is that I love, love gossip.
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I love gossip.
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I love drama.
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I fucking love it.
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I m so sorry.
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I m so sorry.
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I m sorry to myself.
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I m sorry to everyone around me.
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I m sorry to you listening.
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I m sorry.
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I feel horrible.
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I love it.
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And I ve talked about this a little bit before because I do think that to an extent,
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gossip and drama can help teach you something.
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For example, I ll call my mom up and just start talking shit about someone.
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And a lot of times through discussing it and through analyzing the person and the situation,
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I end up further developing my own personality in a way.
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Like, oh, you know what?
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I really don t ever want to be like that.
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When it comes to drama, usually someone did something wrong.
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Okay.
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And again, discussing drama can help you
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I don t know, sort of figure out what you don t want to do with your life.
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I don t think that gossip and drama is always bad.
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However, I think that I love it a little bit too much.
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Okay.
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Like for example, I have a really hard time not watching drama videos on YouTube about just pop culture drama.
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Like I have a very hard time not watching stuff like that.
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And you might be thinking, Emma, it s fine.
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You can watch that.
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What s wrong with that?
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You are what you consume, okay?
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And when I m consuming all these drama videos, I m a fucking emotional wreck.
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I m anxious.
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I m scared.
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I m depressed.
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Like, it does not leave my brain in a good place.
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And on top of that, I m filling my brain with pointless information.
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Pop culture drama absolutely benefits me.
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Zero.
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Okay?
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I benefit in no way.
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But alas, if it was up to me, that s all I d watch.
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It scratches an itch.
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It s interesting.
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It s a distraction.
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And there s also something comforting about, I don t know, and this is so fucked up and I hate to admit this, but we re really having an open day today.
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We re really getting shit off our chest today, so here I go.
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But I think that there is something sort of comforting about seeing drama happening with other people because it makes me feel like my life is less bad.
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And I don t like that.
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Like, I don t like the idea of me in any way, shape or form, small or big, sort of finding comfort in other people s drama.
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Like, that s not good vibes.
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That s really bad vibes.
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So it s negative for me in that way.
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But I also think, too, that socially, I do love
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I love when somebody gives me a little piece of gossip.
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You know, I love it.
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I look forward to it.
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And listen, I gossip responsibly.
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I gossip responsibly majority of the time.
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I have moments where
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I fuck up, particularly when I m under the influence of alcohol.
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Wow.
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Suddenly anything s possible.
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No conversations are off the table.
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Like suddenly here Emma is, she s ready to talk about whatever and gossip could be a part of that.
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I tend to be responsible.
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keeping it to my close friends and close family, which is arguably safe and, I don t know, inconsequential.
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But I think what s toxic about it is that sometimes I fall into rhythms where I m like, this is taking up too much of my conversation with others.
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It s not like that all the time, but sometimes I fall into rhythms like that.
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And I think we all do.
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There are very few people on this planet who don t gossip at all, who don t fall into that rhythm.
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I need to find something that I love more.
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The only problem is gossip.
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Like there s something about it that s so satisfying and so fascinating to me that I don t know what could stimulate me as much.
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And, and that s not good.
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Okay.
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Like I d love to say, Oh, I love talking about art.
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You know, that stimulates me equally as much as is gossip or drama.
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It doesn t.
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It doesn t.
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Okay, I m gonna be honest.
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I love talking about music, art, you know, all of these soul enriching things.
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I do love that.
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But there s something about a little gossip sesh that just gets me and I wish that I didn t like it as much as I do.
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Maybe it s just human to gossip in these ways.
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And maybe it s not as toxic as I feel it is.
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But there s a level of guilt that I have about it.
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And it s one of my most toxic traits.
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Like, in an ideal world, I would never gossip at all, right?
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That s the type of person I wish I was.
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Maybe that s not even possible, and maybe that s not even healthy.
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I m not sure.
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But I guess my relationship to gossiping and drama is what s unhealthy.
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And so I need to figure that out.
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And I don t exactly know what I m going to do.
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It might be finding something that mentally stimulates me just as much, that s maybe more positive in some way.
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And I can lean on that in conversation with my close family and friends or whatever, or when I m drunk with whoever.
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Yeah.
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Fuck.
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I don t know.
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I need to make this clear though.
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I don t like stirring up drama.
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Like I m not somebody who s like spreading rumors or like, or at least not intentionally.
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I never intentionally want to create drama.
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I don t want to be a part of it at all.
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I like to be,
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400 miles away from the drama.
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I don t like to be in it.
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I don t like to start it.
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I don t like to create it.
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I don t like any of that.
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I hate that, hate that, hate that.
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But I love to hear about it from an arm s distance length, almost as though it s like a reality show.
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You know, it s like I m watching a reality show.
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It s like nobody wants to be in The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
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Okay, maybe some people, but not a lot.
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Most people just like to watch it and live vicariously from a safe distance.
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Like you re in the drama, you re emotionally involved and you re stimulated by it, but there s no stakes because you re not involved at all, you know?
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Anywho.
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Maybe it s limiting the amount of gossiping I do and figuring out what that limit is.
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Maybe it s not watching drama videos except for on weekends.
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Maybe it s not watching them at all.
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I don t really know, but I will let you know how I fix my relationship with gossip and drama.
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My next toxic trait is that I love connecting with people, telling stories,
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being open and vulnerable and warm.
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Like that s how I connect with people is by telling stories and trying to be a comforting energy to break down the walls of others so that everyone feels comfortable and happy and we can have fun.
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The only problem is, is that I ve found that at times I can take it too far.
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Again, mainly when I m drunk and I can sort of use myself as like a punching bag and like tell stories that I actually don t really want to share for the sake of making someone else feel comfortable.
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I will not necessarily even overshare, but share a story, like almost exploit myself in a way, like I ll exploit myself in my life in various
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stories as to make others feel comfortable.
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And at times, not always, but at times I ll take it too far.
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And then later feel like I exploited myself as though I m two different people.
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And I, me in conversation, trying to disarm people and make people feel comfortable.
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I then exploit my past self.
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And then maybe a few hours after the conversation, I regret,
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doing that.
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And I feel like I kind of exposed myself a little too much.
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And now I feel uncomfortable.
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But it was my doing.
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That was my fault.
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And the other person doesn t feel uncomfortable with it.
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Like, they were happy to have heard this story.
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They were intrigued by this story, like whatever.
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But then, in retrospect, I m like, I didn t want to talk about that.
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Actually, why did I do that?
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They never asked me to talk about it, but I just exposed myself for the sake of their comfort.
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And they didn t even need that.
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They didn t even ask for that.
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And that s something I need to work on.
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I think I just need to catch myself in the moment when I m about to tell a story that s somewhat personal.
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I need to be like, wait a minute, does this feel right?
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Why am I doing this?
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Why am I telling this story?
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Am I telling this story because I genuinely am excited to share it and I think this person will enjoy it and I think that they ll connect to it in some way?
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Okay, great.
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All good.
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Let s share it.
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Green light.
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But I have a feeling if I start doing a quick mental check before I tell a story,
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I might stop myself sometimes, but I don t really do that right now.
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I look at my life and my experiences as just like a wide open book.
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And I think at times that can leave me feeling as though I exploited myself.
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And so I need to work on that, but hopefully everyone else enjoys it.
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Next toxic trade.
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I have a really hard time getting rid of clothing.
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Okay.
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About two weeks ago, I went through my closet and,
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tried everything on and got rid of so much stuff.
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A lot of it I ve had since I was like a teenager, like 18, 19, stuff that I have not worn in years.
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stuff that doesn t even fit me anymore way too small just collecting dust in my closet because I was like oh but I don t know like even though those jeans don t fit me anymore they re so cute and like I ll never fit them again and I know that but it s like they re so cute that it s like I can t get rid of them they re like a collector s item it s like no they re not a collector s item Emma they re just jeans they re literally just jeans yeah they re cute but like
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donate them and someone else will enjoy them what the fuck are you doing?
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I also was keeping stuff that like was my style from when I was a teenager and I m an adult now and I was keeping it because I was like oh but this is so nostalgic like I don t know maybe I ll want to wear it again or maybe it ll come back into style or whatever all this all these excuses I have for every single piece in my closet that I did not need or couldn t wear or wouldn t wear I had some sort of
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stupid excuse.
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But meanwhile, my crowded closet was preventing me from getting dressed every morning in a way that was convenient and easy.
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Like I would end up pulling out a pair of jeans and I put them on and they re too small.
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Okay.
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And then I am looking through all my tops, trying to find one that I like.
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And I, all of them are from when I was like a teenager and I don t like any of them anymore.
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And I m trying to find the things that are my style now that I ve purchased more recently.
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Can t find them because they re drowning in stuff that I wore when I was 18.
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It s like, no, I m not going to wear,
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the Argyle sweater vest from 2018 now.
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That s not my style now.
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Why do I still have it?
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The whole point of having a collection of clothing is that you can go in and play and have fun getting dressed in the morning.
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Like, that s the whole point.
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But I couldn t even do that because I had all this shit that was no longer my style.
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that was just collecting dust in my closet, because I, for some reason, couldn t let go of it.
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And I end up getting to that point, like once a year, I feel like, where I have to scale down again and again and again.
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And it s because I ve never gone back in and really been harsh with it to the level that I need to be.
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There s shit in there that does not need to be in there still, every time.
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Like, I know in my gut I need to get rid of it, because I m never going to wear it again, but there s something inside of me saying, no, this is special.
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You need to keep this.
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My relationship to my clothing collection is arguably my only toxic relationship to material things.
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Like, I m not as emotionally attached to anything else.
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Like, I have no issue getting rid of other stuff.
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There s something about clothes, though, where I m very emotional with clothes, and so I tend to hoard them.
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which then makes the process of enjoying fashion harder for me because I feel cluttered and I can t find anything that matches my current style.
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So it s a mess.
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I think the way I m going to fix that is by eventually really getting rid of all the stuff that I can no longer fit in or aren t, you know, comfortable to a point where I don t ever wear it or is it my style anymore?
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Cause I bought it when I was a teenager, et cetera.
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I need to really,
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get rid of all of that stuff for once and for all, stop making excuses, get down to zero with that.
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And then everything s going to really look up from there.
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But also, you know, I ve been playing around with the idea of wearing a uniform every day.
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I m still on the fence.
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Like I really want to do it, but I also am afraid because I do love using clothing as a way to express myself.
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I waste a lot of time.
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doing it, and arguably it s not time well spent because it doesn t lead me to my ultimate goals in life.
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Like, I guess, I don t know.
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If I had a uniform, though, I would never have to worry about that clutter again.
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I don t know.
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It s this is a stupid issue.
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But bouncing off of that toxic trait, my next toxic trait sort of relates because it s also
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regarding clothes, I need every outfit to match perfectly, including my pajamas.
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Like right now, you d look at what I m wearing as I m recording this and you d be like, Emma, this is not an outfit.
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Who cares if it matches?
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I m wearing orange pajama shorts that I wear every single day.
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They re my favorite pajama shorts.
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They re the only pajama shorts that I wear.
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They re like rusty orange.
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And then I m wearing a t-shirt, vintage t-shirt, super soft, super thin.
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And I m wearing white socks.
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Okay.
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You would look at this outfit and you d be like, that s pajamas.
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Like there s no, I m so sorry.
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It matches.
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Okay.
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I have two pairs of slippers because I m also, well, I m not wearing slippers right now, but they re next to me.
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Like I was wearing them before I started recording.
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Okay.
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My entire outfit matches.
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My socks are white.
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My shirt is white with the design on it.
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The design on my shirt has quite a few colors.
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There s like brown, green, rust, black, gray, blue, and then it s a white t-shirt as the base.
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The white socks match the white shirt.
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There s rust on my shirt, which brings out the rust in my fucking pajama shorts, okay?
1
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And my slippers are gray because the gray looks better with this shirt than the black slippers.
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Like, I m not kidding.
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It s ridiculous.
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When I go to a workout, I have to wear all black.
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That s where I m at right now.
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Black shorts, black sports bra, black long sleeve, black puffer jacket, white sock, which kind of throws me off because there s no white anywhere else.
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So it just feels like it s sticking out like a sore thumb, but you know what?
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Something s got to give, right?
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And then I m wearing my black slippers and then I ll change into my workout shoes later, but it s all a vibe.
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Black sunglasses.
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It all matches.
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Now that s like in mundane ways, I m obsessed with making sure that my outfit always matches, but it goes far beyond that to a point that is toxic.
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I d argue because it makes it so hard for me to get dressed in the morning and it also prevents me from experimenting with fashion sometimes because I m so obsessed with things matching and being balanced color wise that I end up not taking certain risks.
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Okay.
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Every color must be pulled in in some way.
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You know, every once in a while I ll do a pop of color, but I m not going to do a pop of color unless it feels right.
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Like, I don t even know how to explain it because it s almost like this little toxic game I have going on in my head that s so abstract that I can t even explain it.
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Like, it s one of those things where I look in the mirror and it just has to feel right.
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And I have certain rules about certain colors that I don t like going together.
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And I even get particular about, like, the shade.
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Like, let s say I m wearing an all black outfit.
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If the black pants are slightly more black than the black shirt that I m wearing, I ll freak out and I ll be like, I have to change.
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I m telling you, this is toxic, OK?
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Like, this is actually toxic.
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I m admitting it to you.
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I m also a freak about the hardware of what I m wearing.
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Like, all of my earrings must be, like, if I m wearing gold with my outfit, every single detail must be gold.
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The zipper on my jacket must be gold.
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My earrings must be gold.
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The hardware on my shoes must be gold.
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If I m wearing gold that day, everything has to be gold.
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If I m wearing silver one day, everything has to be silver.
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The zipper on my bag.
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And the problem with this is that it s like I pigeonhole my style in a way because it s like I can only, there s only certain things I can wear with other things.
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It s obsessive in a weird way.
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And you know, part of me feels like,
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like, it s just my style.
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Like that is just my style.
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I like things to match really well and that s, you know, whatever.
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But that s also a reason why I kind of want to wear a uniform because I m like, if I can find a black pair of pants and a black sweater that matched perfectly and a black shoe and a black bag and I can wear it and it all has silver hardware and I can just wear silver all the time, then there s a uniform and I never have to deal with matching an outfit.
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I take it too seriously.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s just not that deep.
2
SPEAKER_00
We re getting dressed, for fuck s sake.
2
SPEAKER_00
We re going to a workout class, for fuck s sake.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s like, no one cares.
2
SPEAKER_00
But for some odd, toxic reason, I care, and it absolutely tortures me.
2
SPEAKER_00
And that sort of leads me to my next toxic trait also in regards to my outfit.
2
SPEAKER_00
I cannot leave the house unless my outfit feels perfect for the occasion.
2
SPEAKER_00
If I feel overdressed, like if I pick out an outfit and then I suddenly have the epiphany that I m overdressed, I could be an hour and a half late and I ll be like, I, which I m rare, by the way, I m never late.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m so anal about being early.
2
SPEAKER_00
or on time, that it tortures me, which is also kind of a toxic trait because, yeah, it s it sounds good.
2
SPEAKER_00
Me like complimenting myself, me being like, I m always on time.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s so toxic.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s so annoying.
2
SPEAKER_00
No, but it s toxic how much anxiety like I ll have a panic attack if I m late.
2
SPEAKER_00
That s stupid.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s like, I m a human being.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like, we re all human beings.
2
SPEAKER_00
If we re a little late sometimes, it s fucking fine.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like, I don t need to get a full panic attack about it.
2
SPEAKER_00
My heart doesn t need to be beating because I m 15 minutes late.
2
SPEAKER_00
That s toxic for me.
2
SPEAKER_00
That makes my life miserable.
2
SPEAKER_00
Anywho, but that s not even on the list.
2
SPEAKER_00
I guess now we just added something new.
2
SPEAKER_00
What a treat.
2
SPEAKER_00
But, um,
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, if I m if I m late, but I decide, oh, wait, my outfit is I feel like I m overdressed.
2
SPEAKER_00
Actually, this is too much.
2
SPEAKER_00
I ll have to start from scratch and start over.
2
SPEAKER_00
Or if for some reason my clothes like don t feel comfortable enough, like
2
SPEAKER_00
I m so particular about my clothes feeling comfortable on me.
2
SPEAKER_00
And the reason for that is because I don t feel like I m able to fully be myself and be present and just enjoy the moment if my clothes are uncomfortable.
2
SPEAKER_00
So let s say I m on my period and my favorite pair of jeans are like too tight.
2
SPEAKER_00
They might look normal, but they feel bad.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I can t leave the house wearing pants like that because that s all I m going to be thinking about all night.
2
SPEAKER_00
And there are some people I know who
2
SPEAKER_00
for some reason, just have mental strength in that capacity.
2
SPEAKER_00
They can go out wearing uncomfortable high heels, they can have blisters, their feet are all ripped up, and you d never know it.
2
SPEAKER_00
They are sharp as ever, funny as ever, themselves as ever.
2
SPEAKER_00
I admire that.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m not like that.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m just not.
2
SPEAKER_00
I think leaving the house in an outfit for me is so challenging because I m like, I m balancing all of these different preferences that are so strong that it s hard for me to get dressed and leave the house.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know, because I m trying to make sure that the colors are all balanced, but I m also trying to make sure that everything fits comfortably so that I m not going to be thinking about that.
2
SPEAKER_00
And then I m also making sure I m not overdressed or underdressed because I always overthink that.
2
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s like there s so much to balance there that it s a nightmare.
2
SPEAKER_00
All of this is making me think I just need to start dressing in a uniform for fuck s sake.
2
SPEAKER_00
I need to set myself free from that.
2
SPEAKER_00
And maybe if I dressed in a uniform for like a year and just wore the same like two or three outfits every day, I would sort of learn to release
2
SPEAKER_00
all of these, I don t know, like really strong preferences that end up being toxic in one way or another.
2
SPEAKER_00
But again, making that jump is scary for somebody who likes fashion.
2
SPEAKER_00
So it s, we ll see.
2
SPEAKER_00
We shall see.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay, next.
2
SPEAKER_00
This is so cringe.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like I, but this actually, this toxic trait is the one that made me want to make this episode because, okay, let me explain.
2
SPEAKER_00
Everyone has a good side.
2
SPEAKER_00
Well, some people don t.
2
SPEAKER_00
And those people are so lucky.
2
SPEAKER_00
Most people have a good side.
2
SPEAKER_00
They have a side of their face that they prefer.
2
SPEAKER_00
For me, it s a little bit more extreme.
2
SPEAKER_00
I love the right side of my face.
2
SPEAKER_00
I feel confident with the right side of my face.
2
SPEAKER_00
I ve grown to love the right side of my face.
2
SPEAKER_00
The left side of my face, however,
2
SPEAKER_00
I have not come to love yet.
2
SPEAKER_00
In the future, I would love to.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay, that s a goal for me.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m so insecure of the left side of my face that I ve gotten to a point, and maybe this is also as a result of working in this industry and becoming hyper aware of my appearance because, you know, I m on camera a lot.
2
SPEAKER_00
And so I see myself a lot and I see the imperfections.
2
SPEAKER_00
And for fuck s sake, cameras emphasize imperfections more than you could even know.
2
SPEAKER_00
But anyway, no, you do know you actually we all know we all take photos of ourselves all the time on.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like whether you re in front of the camera a lot or not, you re at least in front of the camera sometimes because we all are in today s day and age.
2
SPEAKER_00
Cameras can really like emphasize our insecurities and I m very insecure about the left side of my face.
2
SPEAKER_00
I, it really bothers me and I have this, this is so embarrassing.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh my God.
2
SPEAKER_00
This is fucking toxic.
2
SPEAKER_00
I try to sit on the left side of people at a dinner or in any scenario so that everyone s looking at the right side of my face.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like, when I m sitting passenger seat in the car with someone, I m like anxious about them looking at the left side of my face.
2
SPEAKER_00
This is so toxic and so unfair to myself.
2
SPEAKER_00
And it is horrific.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like, it s a horrific thing.
2
SPEAKER_00
And it s so fucking stupid.
2
SPEAKER_00
And it s so vain.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s like, no one cares that the left side of your face looks different than the right side.
2
SPEAKER_00
No one, like, I don t think it looks as good.
2
SPEAKER_00
No one else cares.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s so vain.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I do think it developed from being in this industry.
2
SPEAKER_00
And you know what s funny too?
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh my God, the craziest part is that I used to like the left side of my face better.
2
SPEAKER_00
That used to be my good side.
2
SPEAKER_00
How fucking ironic is that?
2
SPEAKER_00
I used to hate the right side of my face.
2
SPEAKER_00
And then it switched one day and now I like the right side and I hate the left side.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s just ridiculous.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s all in my head.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I know that I need to rise above it.
2
SPEAKER_00
However, it s been harder than... Like, I accept it.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like, if someone s sitting on my left side, I m not gonna, like, freak out.
2
SPEAKER_00
But I m self-conscious, and I don t know how I m gonna get over it.
2
SPEAKER_00
you know, there are certain insecurities that are more consuming and like a deep seeded that are harder to shake, you know, and living in a time too, where, you know, there are so many,
2
SPEAKER_00
things available.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like if you don t like something about your face, you can go and fix it.
2
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s like, it s even harder to accept oneself in today s day and age because you can go and fix it.
2
SPEAKER_00
But I don t want to go fix the left side of my face.
2
SPEAKER_00
There s nothing to fix.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s the left side of my face.
2
SPEAKER_00
there s differences about it.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like my nose kind of looks weird from the side, like my left lip, the left side of my lip is a bit smaller than the right side.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I also have like a deep wrinkle.
2
SPEAKER_00
I know it s so weird.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay, whatever.
2
SPEAKER_00
But it s like, could I go and get that fixed?
2
SPEAKER_00
Could I go get like a little bit of filler in the left side of my lip?
2
SPEAKER_00
Could I go get Botox on like the left side of my face where I have
2
SPEAKER_00
like a deeper sort of smile line.
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, probably.
2
SPEAKER_00
This is so toxic.
2
SPEAKER_00
But I I m sharing it because I think we all have shit like this.
2
SPEAKER_00
I also tend to be worse about this with guys that I m dating.
2
SPEAKER_00
So like,
2
SPEAKER_00
guys that I m dating are always very aware of this with me.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like they know that like they need to sit on my, on my right side.
2
SPEAKER_00
And, uh, they hate that about me, but I like, it s not, that s not charming.
2
SPEAKER_00
That s not cute.
2
SPEAKER_00
That s not making them like me anymore.
2
SPEAKER_00
I ll tell you that it s doing a lot and it s not doing that.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s just, it s so fucked up.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s so embarrassing, but I m going to figure it out.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m not super tapped in on how I m going to fix that one, but I ll figure it out.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay, next.
2
SPEAKER_00
I give a lot of advice.
2
SPEAKER_00
A lot of friends come to me for advice.
2
SPEAKER_00
I give advice on this podcast.
2
SPEAKER_00
Obviously, I m not a professional advice giver, but
2
SPEAKER_00
I think I have pretty good advice.
2
SPEAKER_00
I mean, I don t think like my advice is perfect.
2
SPEAKER_00
No one s advice is perfect.
2
SPEAKER_00
I do think that I have decent enough advice.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I am someone who people seek out for advice in, in my personal life.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know, I m not sure why that is or like how, how this came to be a thing.
2
SPEAKER_00
I can be a hypocrite though, because I know what s right.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m good at giving advice.
2
SPEAKER_00
People come to me for advice.
2
SPEAKER_00
I know how to handle a lot of situations in the right way.
2
SPEAKER_00
I think, you know, I mean, not everywhere.
2
SPEAKER_00
Trust me.
2
SPEAKER_00
I don t have it all figured out.
2
SPEAKER_00
I don t want, don t get it twisted.
3
SPEAKER_00
But I feel like a lot of times I know the truth.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like I know if I were to have a clone and my clone were to come to me with a problem, I would know exactly what to say.
3
SPEAKER_00
But following my own advice is something I can t always do, which makes me feel hypocritical and toxic because it s like I can spew advice all day long and honestly give people advice that I think is good.
3
SPEAKER_00
And if they were to follow it, I think they would be successful.
3
SPEAKER_00
But I don t always even follow it.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I don t know if that s hypocritical because I think now I think it is in a way it feels hypocritical to me.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like for example, let s say someone s feeling really down in the dumps.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like they re just feeling off.
3
SPEAKER_00
They re feeling like shit.
3
SPEAKER_00
They re feeling like they re in a rut and they re like, ah, like I just can t figure out like what s wrong.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I m like, okay, well how much are you using your phone?
3
SPEAKER_00
Like are you on social media a lot?
3
SPEAKER_00
And if they re like,
3
SPEAKER_00
yeah, I ve been, I m like doom scrolling all day long.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m like, that s what it is.
3
SPEAKER_00
Remove that.
3
SPEAKER_00
And holy shit, you re going to feel so much better.
3
SPEAKER_00
Meanwhile, I fall into periods of time where that exact thing happens to me.
3
SPEAKER_00
And in my head, I know if I just stopped doom scrolling and I get off the phone and I tap out, I m going to feel so much better.
3
SPEAKER_00
But sometimes I don t have the,
3
SPEAKER_00
willpower to take my own advice, even when I know what would make me feel better.
3
SPEAKER_00
Another example would be, let s say someone comes to me and says, Emma, like, I really need to have this conversation with my significant other.
3
SPEAKER_00
We re having a little issue.
3
SPEAKER_00
Should I bring it up or should I just like let it go?
3
SPEAKER_00
Because
3
SPEAKER_00
you know, my answer is always going to be communicate about it.
3
SPEAKER_00
But sometimes if I m in a relationship, I am a coward and I will not bring shit up and I will let it fester.
3
SPEAKER_00
Listen, am I on the path to following all of my own advice?
3
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_00
Is it human?
3
SPEAKER_00
to to fuck up.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, sure.
3
SPEAKER_00
But it just feels wrong.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s like, should I be giving advice that I can t even follow?
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_00
I mean, I guess it is still sort of beneficial because it s planting a seed that s positive, hopefully.
3
SPEAKER_00
But yeah, I m not perfect at following my own advice.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I think that I should talk about that more when I give advice.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think I do that to an extent, but I think I could do it more because I also think that makes it less toxic.
3
SPEAKER_00
If you re like, here s my advice.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is what I know makes it feel better.
3
SPEAKER_00
However, I can t always do it.
3
SPEAKER_00
So if you can t, I totally understand.
3
SPEAKER_00
Next, I, this is so embarrassing too.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_00
So I have a hard time drinking water.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like I ve been chronically dehydrated for probably my whole life.
3
SPEAKER_00
And what s made me drink more water is my water setup, which this is the most cringe shit you re ever going to hear in your life.
3
SPEAKER_00
So just brace yourself.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s not that cringe.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_00
You can be the judge.
3
SPEAKER_00
I always have to have some sort of insulated water bottle.
3
SPEAKER_00
Right now, it s the Stanley Cup because when my water is really cold, this is so cringe and so fucking stupid.
3
SPEAKER_00
When my water is cold, I just drink more of it because it tastes better to me.
3
SPEAKER_00
And when you have an insulated cup, the ice staying frozen, whatever, you know the drill.
3
SPEAKER_00
But here s where it gets embarrassing.
3
SPEAKER_00
So I buy these electrolytes.
3
SPEAKER_00
the brand is Ultima, the raspberry flavor.
3
SPEAKER_00
I almost exclusively drink water with this electrolyte powder in it because I think it tastes so good.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I looked into it cause I was like, Oh my God, can you drink too much of this?
3
SPEAKER_00
And can it be unhealthy?
3
SPEAKER_00
This particular brand, I mean, yeah, you don t want to overdo it, but you can, you can have like two or three servings of it a day and you re good.
3
SPEAKER_00
But I like my little raspberry water.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_00
So like all day I m drinking,
3
SPEAKER_00
water with this raspberry powder in it and it makes me drink so much more water.
3
SPEAKER_00
And here s what s toxic about it.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m a fucking adult.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m a 22 year old.
3
SPEAKER_00
Why do I need raspberry powder in my water for me to drink more water?
3
SPEAKER_00
Like I should just be drinking more water like a fucking adult.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it shouldn t matter what cup it s coming out of.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it shouldn t matter if it s cold.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like it s like, stop.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like it s just cringe and weird that I m so picky about my water and that I,
3
SPEAKER_00
have such a specific water routine and that s how I can get water in.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay, well, whatever.
3
SPEAKER_00
Anyway, I m embarrassed about that and I think it s toxic.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay, this next one s actually kind of toxic.
3
SPEAKER_00
I can get a little bit upset sometimes.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is not all the time.
3
SPEAKER_00
But in certain scenarios, I can get angry a little bit when people copy me.
3
SPEAKER_00
Now, there are a lot of scenarios when I take it as flattery.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like majority, honestly, majority of the time, it s flattering.
3
SPEAKER_00
However, sometimes it can really bother me.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I think when it can bother me is when maybe someone else is getting credit for something that I did or came up with or whatever, or they copy me too close.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it s like, okay, this is just crazy.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like this is like too close, I guess.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it s not like random people.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like obviously, you know, there s a whole sort of conversation happening online right now about copying because
3
SPEAKER_00
you know, a lot of people who are public figures will, will do things, right?
3
SPEAKER_00
Share them with the world and then get angry when people copy them.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it s like, hello, you put that out there for everyone to see.
3
SPEAKER_00
Of course, they re going to copy you.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like you re choosing to share something that you did.
3
SPEAKER_00
If people copy you, that s, that s not what I m talking about.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like, I think when it bothers me is when,
3
SPEAKER_00
Maybe someone does it and, okay, I think there are a few scenarios when it bothers me.
3
SPEAKER_00
Number one, when someone copies me who isn t supportive of me, that can sort of bother me.
3
SPEAKER_00
Also, maybe if someone copies me who s like a peer of mine,
3
SPEAKER_00
So it s like, dude, that s a little too close.
3
SPEAKER_00
That feels kind of weird to me.
3
SPEAKER_00
Maybe that can bother me.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it can kind of make me angry.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I will combat that with like a level of flattery and just try to be flattered by it.
3
SPEAKER_00
But it can bother me.
3
SPEAKER_00
And, you know, I don t think copying it is is inherently bad.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like I copy or mimic people that I admire.
3
SPEAKER_00
But what I try to do is like be open about it, I guess.
3
SPEAKER_00
Or if like if I got it from somewhere and like I I always will try to.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m unapologetic about it.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like I m not going to deny it.
3
SPEAKER_00
I ll never deny it if I got the idea from somewhere, but people might get mad if I copy them or like took inspo from them.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like I bet there s people who get mad at me for that.
3
SPEAKER_00
I maybe, I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_00
So it s, it probably goes both ways, but I do think it s toxic that sometimes it kind of rubs me the wrong way.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like I really shouldn t, why do I care?
3
SPEAKER_00
Like, I should just take it as a compliment and fucking move on.
3
SPEAKER_00
Who cares what other people are doing?
3
SPEAKER_00
If somebody likes something that I did and wants to do it, too, that s great.
3
SPEAKER_00
I guess it just bothers me when they re not on my team, when I can like when they re not on my team or when they re like a peer.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s mainly within my peers, I think it s like if you re my peer and you re not maybe supportive of me.
3
SPEAKER_00
But then you re copying me and like denying it.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like that really bothers me and can trigger me.
3
SPEAKER_00
And again, I just think it s toxic because I should just let it go.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like it s, I don t own anything.
3
SPEAKER_00
No one owns anything.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I won t be giving examples.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_00
Next toxic trait.
3
SPEAKER_00
Before I poop in the morning,
3
SPEAKER_00
I am unable to exist normally at all.
3
SPEAKER_00
I can t get dressed.
3
SPEAKER_00
I mean, sometimes I have to, but like, I won t want to get dressed.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like I, I can t talk to anyone.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like most people are like, don t talk to me before my coffee.
3
SPEAKER_00
If I ve already pooped, fucking talk to me.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t need to have had my coffee yet.
3
SPEAKER_00
For me, it s don t talk to me till I ve pooped.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t, which is so cringe.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is like,
3
SPEAKER_00
my God, I need to make a fucking t shirt with this on it.
3
SPEAKER_00
Don t talk to me before I pooped.
3
SPEAKER_00
Absolutely.
3
SPEAKER_00
A banger would Wow, that would just that would just absolutely do so well on Etsy.
3
SPEAKER_00
But I, I m just not functioning before I ve pooped.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I have a very consistent routine every morning, immediately upon waking.
3
SPEAKER_00
So imagine it s like,
3
SPEAKER_00
That s my body s routine.
3
SPEAKER_00
So anytime I deviate from that, I m a wreck.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m an absolute wreck and I m not fun to be around.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m not funny.
3
SPEAKER_00
I can t be funny.
3
SPEAKER_00
I can t be charismatic.
3
SPEAKER_00
I can fake it as much as I can, but it s not, it s not convincing.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s all I can think about.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like I can t think about anything else cause I can like feel it and I m like, when is it going to happen?
3
SPEAKER_00
I had to mention it because it s true.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s toxic to be like,
3
SPEAKER_00
so like, like to be living by my poop schedule.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s like, this is ridiculous.
3
SPEAKER_00
I just need to become a bit more mentally strong so that it s similar to like, wearing clothes that are uncomfortable.
3
SPEAKER_00
That shouldn t impact me as much as it does.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s the same sort of feeling of discomfort, right?
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Whenever I m in some sort of
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bodily discomfort.
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Weirdly, if I broke my foot right now, I don t even know if I would cry.
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I ve broken bones before and not cried.
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I have a high pain tolerance for extreme pain, but for subtle minor pain or minor discomfort, that bothers
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me more, weirdly.
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So weird.
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Like recently when I got a little procedure, I told a story about this on my episode called My Vagina, LOL, if you want to go listen to that, me just talking about my vagina for an hour, so that s great.
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Things are really looking up for me and my podcasting career.
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I m making whole episodes about my vagina, so enjoy that.
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But like when I got that
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surgery, like I, or not surgery.
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Well, it was kind of a surgery.
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It s a minor surgery, but they like numbed me and then cut out a piece of my vagina.
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Go listen to that.
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Anyway, that hurts so bad, especially the numbing part.
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Like when they were numbing it, holy fuck.
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I, it was so painful, but weirdly managing that pain in the moment was almost easier for me than going a whole night, like wearing an uncomfortable pair of pants or like,
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going all day without pooping.
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Like I d rather deal with that really bad extreme pain than a subtle pain.
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That s just me.
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That s just who I am.
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But it is weird that I m so stunted when I can t poop.
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So that s that.
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OK, next, I m definitely toxic about my social media use.
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I ve talked about this a lot, but I m so addicted to watching Instagram reels and YouTube shorts, YouTube shorts, too, because I don t have TikTok.
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I deleted the app years ago, like two years ago.
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And I m happy I did.
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No regrets there.
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Sometimes I regret it in a way, though, because I m like, oh, it could be fun to make a TikTok.
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But then it s like, oh, but there s such a addicting, toxic platform for me, like for me personally, that I just don t think it s good.
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But then again, is it any better to be scrolling through Instagram Reels or YouTube Shorts?
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I don t know.
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I don t think it s any better.
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It s equally as addicting.
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Maybe a little less, but still addicting.
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It tends to be the worst when I m really exhausted.
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If maybe I had a busy week or something, any minute that I have off, I m not using it to read a book.
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I m not using it to...
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I don t know, get a little bit more work done.
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Why not?
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No.
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No.
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I m on reels.
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I m on YouTube shorts.
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And it s wasting so much of my time.
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And it s so pointless.
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And it s so stupid.
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And it s like rotting my brain.
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And I feel my brain rotting when I m doing it.
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And I feel so much guilt about it.
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But I m in such a bad
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routine with it.
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And this is just constantly like it s a constant battle trying to not be addicted to it.
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And yet I just have never figured it out.
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And I ve never gotten into a like a routine that sticks with it.
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Although I know that it has a bad impact on my brain.
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It makes me feel anxious.
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It makes me feel depressed.
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It triggers all of my negative
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mental health issues.
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It like makes all of it worse, but I cannot stop.
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That is toxic.
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Meanwhile, I love telling people like, oh my God, get off the internet, live in the real world, people.
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It makes you feel better.
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And meanwhile, it s like, I really try to take that advice and I do as much as I can, but it leads back to me not following my own advice.
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Sometimes I really don t follow my own advice there a lot.
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You know, on top of that, I love like stalking people on social media.
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Like, I love just going down little rabbit holes and like stalking people.
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Like, I just I love it.
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I mean, we all do it.
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It s like, oh, you know what?
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What s a person from high school doing?
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Oh, wait.
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Like, what is like?
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what s that person doing that I met once?
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Oh yeah, I met them once.
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What are they doing right now?
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Like, I love doing that.
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I just waste so much time doing this pointless shit, you know?
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And that to me is toxic because I also know better.
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I actively know better and I don t have enough willpower to stop it a lot of the times.
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And I m just wasting a lot of time entertaining myself with things that are ultimately not beneficial and arguably harmful for me.
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So speaking of the internet also, I,
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put myself out there on the internet.
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Okay, I m a public figure.
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I choose to put myself out there on the internet.
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And there are so many things about it that are so incredible.
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And that s why I do it because there s so many incredible things.
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However, I go through phases where mean comments do bother me.
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And not only do I choose to read them, but I choose to let them hurt my feelings.
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I ve learned to turn a blind eye to some because it s like I just can t handle it mentally.
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Like I know myself and I just can t handle it mentally.
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But I guess there s something sort of toxic about me knowing that I m a really sensitive person and I am not the best at handling just mean comments about me.
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I know I m bad at it.
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So it s like, okay, we have two options.
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Either number one, get off the fucking internet then loser.
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I m talking to myself, which is not going to happen right now.
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You know, like I, I love what I do in so many ways that it s like, I m not going to do that.
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So, okay, well, if I m not going to do that, then.
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I just need to like not read them at all.
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I m at a phase in my life now more than ever where they bother me again.
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Like I ve gone through phases where it didn t bother me and I was like, nah, you know what?
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Like it s all going to be okay.
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Like it s fine.
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But more recently I m in a phase where I m very sensitive and not in a negative way.
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Like I think I m actually sensitive right now in a good way.
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I m not sensitive in like maybe an insecure way.
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I m more sensitive.
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in a way where I m just, I don t know.
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I just, I want everything to be good because there s enough shit going on.
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Like, I don t know.
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Like I m just, I don t want to incite any sort of negativity or hatred or like anger or anything.
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Like, I don t want to be a part of that.
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I don t want to cause that.
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And so I think that s why it s so upsetting to me is because it s like, this is not what I m trying to do.
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I don t want to annoy people or like piss people off.
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Like, I don t want to be,
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a nuisance to people, like that makes me sad.
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And so that s why it s bothering me, because it s like, I don t want to have a negative impact on anyone.
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However, hate comments, like just blatant hate comments that are just mean, they re not constructive criticism.
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Like constructive criticism is one thing, just blatant hate and mean is another.
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Like, it s like, there s no reason to even look at it because it s actually not coming from a place that is helpful at all.
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There s nothing to learn from it.
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There s nothing to gain from it.
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So it s sort of pointless to look at, like someone calling me ugly or like, or just saying that, like, my personality sucks.
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It s like, dude, I can t do anything about that.
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you know, but the fact that, like, I made someone feel so grossed out in some way that they, like, had to, and I know that that s not how it works, but I don t know, it just bums me out, I guess, because I don t want to be a part of that at all.
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However, it s inevitable, and I just need to either stop reading it altogether or stop looking.
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The second I see something negative or, like, I see a
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I just need to look away or I need to just become immune to it in some way.
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But me actually letting myself get upset by it a little bit is not getting anyone anywhere.
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So anyone being me, it s not getting me anywhere.
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Next, I ve become sort of a paranoid person in a way that s sort of irrational and toxic.
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Like I ve talked about this a little bit, and I m working on it for sure, but it s something that is very toxic for myself, okay?
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Like for example, okay, today a friend and I went to go get like smoothies and
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acai bowls and coffee and all these things, right?
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And from this like juice place.
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And the person I was with got this like vanilla latte thing, like almond milk latte.
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And they took a sip of it and they were like, this tastes really off.
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And I was like, what?
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Cause it came in a bottle.
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It wasn t like made in the moment.
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It was, it was in a bottle.
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I was like, wait, let me try it.
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And it tasted so sour.
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Like it was sour.
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Now, obviously there s no milk in it.
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So it wasn t like sour milk, but it was like somehow sour almond milk is very, very like off.
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Okay.
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I ve been paranoid ever since I took this tiniest sip of that, that I m going to get really bad food poisoning.
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Like I m convinced that today I will just get horrific food poisoning and that something really bad is going to happen.
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If I had one tiny sip of this, I m going to be fine.
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Like it s not a big deal, but I am so paranoid.
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Another example would be anytime I have turbulence on a plane, like I m really convinced that it s, it s going down.
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It s going down.
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I ve tried to work on this and I, again, I go through phases where it s better, but the other day I was flying in a sort of a smaller plane cause I was just flying to New Mexico actually.
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And you know, it s like just a tiny plane.
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It s like,
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It s like a medium-sized plane.
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Like, it s not big.
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Like, and the smaller the plane is, the more you feel the turbulence and stuff.
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And it was so fucking windy in New Mexico.
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And landing there, oh, it was, I, everyone was chill.
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Actually, there were a few people that looked a little freaked out, but like, for the most part, everyone was chill.
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And I was like, how are people not, like, crying?
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Like, I wanted to start crying because it was so fucking scary.
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Turbulence is normal.
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It s not that big of a deal.
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Like, relax.
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but I m just so paranoid and this stems from me having anxiety.
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And this is just a way that my anxiety sort of manifests.
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And I understand that.
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And it s not, it s not great to,
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call myself toxic for having anxiety.
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However, this going unmanaged, like I need to figure that out.
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You know what I mean?
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I can t live like this.
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I need to be a little bit more chill.
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I think to an extent being protective and being aware of things is important because it can prevent catastrophe at times.
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I think there is value there, but I will let these things like ruin my day, like minor things.
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Like me having that little sip of that rotten drink.
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Now I m like, oh my God, I m going to die.
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I feel like I m going to die and I m a mess.
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Yeah.
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Weirdly, I ve had like a fear of food poisoning recently.
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Like, I don t know.
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I don t know.
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It s just toxic how paranoid I am.
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And that s something I need to work on.
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It s toxic that I m not working on it actively enough because it s a huge issue for me.
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OK, next, I m a messy eater.
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OK, I don t know why, but I ve always been this way for some reason.
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Whenever I eat something, it gets everywhere.
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It s all over the fucking table.
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It s all over my shirt.
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There s crumbs everywhere.
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I just cannot eat without getting it everywhere.
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And I remember the first time I became really aware of this.
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Well, there s been a few instances throughout my life where it s been commented on that I m a messy eater.
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And it s not like I m eating with my mouth open or anything.
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Actually, maybe I am.
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I don t even know.
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I hope I m not.
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I try not to do that.
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I don t think I do, but sometimes I let my guard down.
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So who knows?
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It s just, there s something about the way that I take bites or something where stuff s just falling.
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I remember I had this friend in high school and she was like the mom of the group and she was so clean, very clean always.
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And she used to get so angry at the way that I would eat chips because she was like, Emma, you have to hold a hand under your mouth when you eat it because now there s crumbs all over your lap.
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She could not stand the way that I ate chips, okay?
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My mom is always giving me shit for when I eat at home.
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There s a three inch radius around where I ate where there s just stuff on the table.
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I don t know why I m like that.
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Listen, in my defense, I wasn t raised with like the most strict manners.
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I know there s a lot of kids who were raised, you know, in a family where there were a bunch of manners being enforced.
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Like I was, listen, my parents got divorced when I was five.
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Like both of my parents are really relaxed.
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I had elbows on the table.
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I was getting sauce from my meal all over the table and it just wasn t that big of a deal.
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It just,
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They had other shit to deal with.
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They had to work and stuff.
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They couldn t, like, make sure that my manners were absolutely perfect.
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I don t know.
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It just wasn t a priority, I guess.
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I think I turned out all right.
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But I think the way that I eat is is a little toxic.
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It s like, again, you re 22 years old, babe.
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Let s keep it on the plate.
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SPEAKER_00
Let s keep it on the plate, because this is not looking so good.
5
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Me on a date?
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Oh my God, the way I eat, I don t really go on dates.
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But I mean, I guess once I don t go on like first dates, like I ll go on a date with a guy when I m like, when we ve been hanging out for like a week, two weeks, you know, I m not, I ve never met a guy by first date.
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But in the early phases of a relationship, I m literally so careful.
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I m like, Emma, don t make a mess.
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You re a messy bitch.
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Don t make a mess.
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And then eventually they see the real me and they probably hate it, but that s really fine.
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Okay.
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Almost done.
5
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Are you, are you still with me?
5
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Okay.
5
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I am a walking
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hobby graveyard.
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I can t tell you how many hobbies I ve started that I just have never really gotten into the full swing of.
5
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Like, I love playing the drums, but I ve never gotten really good at it.
5
SPEAKER_00
Okay, I have a guitar in my house.
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I ve been wanting to learn how to play that thing for so long.
5
SPEAKER_00
In my defense,
5
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It is my dad s guitar and he just leaves it at my house.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s still embarrassing, but I want to learn how to play it.
5
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And I haven t yet.
5
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I bought this clay because I was like, Oh, I want to make little things out of clay, like little creatures and then paint them.
5
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Okay.
5
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Never did that.
5
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Oh, I think there was like a moment when I was like, wanted to really be into gardening.
5
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Not really.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like, yeah, I have some herbs growing in the backyard, but I m... I m not gardening a lot, okay?
5
SPEAKER_00
It s, like, not... Like, those grow, like, weeds.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like, I grow mint in the backyard.
5
SPEAKER_00
You don t have to do shit.
5
SPEAKER_00
That just grows.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like, it just wants to grow.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m not doing anything, okay?
5
SPEAKER_00
I m not gonna take any credit for that thing, being healthy and happy.
5
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It s just... It doesn t take any love.
5
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It just... It s just thriving.
5
SPEAKER_00
I just can t stick to a hobby.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I think maybe because at times I m forcing myself to do hobbies that
5
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maybe I want to do for some sort of ulterior motive.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like, I think when it comes to playing instruments, I just love music so much.
5
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And there are so many people in my life who make music that I m like, oh my God, I want to be a part of it.
5
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That s sort of the ulterior motive.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s like, I want to do it with them.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like, it looks so fun when they do it.
5
SPEAKER_00
But meanwhile, do I actually like playing instruments alone?
5
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maybe not enough when it comes to doing the clay thing.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m just too lazy to get it out.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like that s just me being lazy.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s like when I have a day off, I m indulging.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m not like making art, you know, I m, I m indulging.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like I want to go to a thrift store and then lay in bed and watch YouTube shorts.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like that s an indulgent day to me.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like doing something creative maybe isn t as indulgent for me sometimes.
5
SPEAKER_00
So that s why that hasn t happened.
5
SPEAKER_00
But I don t know.
5
SPEAKER_00
I really,
5
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think I need to either have some discipline with my hobbies and stop letting them die or I need to find hobbies that I actually like enough to sustain because maybe that s the issue.
5
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I can t figure out if it s that I haven t gotten over the hump where I m through the learning curve and it s easy and it s fun to do certain hobbies or if they re just not things that I naturally enjoy doing and I m forcing myself to do them for ulterior motives.
5
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that aren t genuine, because you really, in order for a hobby to stick, it has to be genuine.
5
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Anyway, okay, you guys, that s it.
5
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Those are all my toxic traits.
5
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If you think differently of me after this, that s fine.
5
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You know, I m putting it out there, so it s fair game to use against me, I guess.
5
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This is just the bet I made for myself today.
5
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I probably have more toxic traits that I just forgot, so maybe this is part one, okay?
5
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I feel like a lot of these were ways that I m toxic to myself.
5
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I really try so hard not to be toxic towards others.
5
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But maybe I ll do some thinking and think of ways that I am in some way.
5
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And I ll get back to you on those.
5
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But those need, I need to do more self-discovery on those because I m probably hiding those far deeper in me.
5
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Or maybe I m just not toxic anymore.
5
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Maybe I ve grown out of those sorts of toxic traits.
5
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I d love to believe so.
5
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Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this.
5
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Maybe you learned a little something about me that you didn t want to learn, but you did anyway.
5
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If you did enjoy it, new episodes every Thursday and Sunday, you can stream video exclusive on Spotify and stream anywhere you get podcasts.
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You can follow anything goes on Instagram at anything goes.
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You can follow me on Instagram at Emma Chamberlain.
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You can check out my coffee company at Chamberlain coffee on Instagram or chamberlaincoffee.com.
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You can order online or you can see if we re in a store near you using the store locator that s on the website.
5
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We have coffee and tea and matcha and all these fun things.
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So go check that out.
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And I just love you all and appreciate you all.
5
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And thank you for hanging out with me.
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And I can t wait to talk to you soon.
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Bye.
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Love you.