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Welcome to the Art of Charm.
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I m your host, Jordan Harbinger.
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I m here with producer Jason DeFilippo.
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Here at AOC, we may not have all the answers, but we certainly have some of the questions.
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And today on Fan Mail Friday, those questions come from you.
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, Fan Mail Friday is not the, it s a suboptimal place to start, in my humble opinion.
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Most of our content is more in-depth, longer format.
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We do a lot of interviews with great people.
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check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best or the fundamentals toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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That s where we ve got the fundamentals of reading body language and charismatic nonverbal communication, the science of attraction, negotiation techniques, networking and influence strategies, persuasion tactics, and everything else that we teach here at the art of charm.
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All right, let s cut to it.
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A longtime fan writes in and says, your bio says law enforcement.
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What s that all about?
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That s right, he s been a long time fan.
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It never did come up, and yes, my bio on theartofcharm.com website does mention that I was helping with law enforcement before I was old enough to drive.
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I think that s what he s referring to.
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Basically, when I was really young, I worked at a movie theater, and the security guard at that movie theater, who was sort of pinch-hitting for another
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security person, happened to be the owner of the security company one day.
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And we started talking about computers and things like that, and this is the early slash mid-90s, so not many people were on the internet, it was kind of an unknown thing.
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And one day he was there again, and I started telling him about how I was on America Online talking with people and cloning cell phones and doing all this cool wiretapping stuff, and I did essentially, ended up, long story short, working with the FBI trapping
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pedophile predators before the, well before, what is his name, Chris Hansen was catching people on TV.
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And later on, worked with them on cell phone cloning stuff, which is basically you could copy people s cell phone numbers and use them to make calls or intercept phone calls, working with them on wiretapping stuff.
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And then later on, I worked on a LinkedIn hack that I presented at Defcon, which is a big hacker conference, as well as Black Hat and I keynoted Derbycon.
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Jason, you went with me on that one.
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And I still do occasional work with special forces and intelligence agencies here and there, but definitely, you know, law enforcement and government stuff has been kind of a tangential thing that I ve been working on, along with corporate stuff, and sort of the background here at AOC.
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And by the way, if y all wanna ask me something, don t use Facebook, don t use LinkedIn, not for security reasons, but you can email us directly, fridayattheartofcharm.com.
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Otherwise, it might be a few months before I see it.
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I wanna note that, because this question was,
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this was buried in a LinkedIn inbox that I hadn t checked since like June of 2016 or something like that.
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So it may be months anyway, but if it s urgent, email me, say it s urgent, and if there s a way to get a hold of me by phone for a consulting rate, of course, if you have really urgent stuff, mostly small business guys and stuff like that will call me and we ll do what we call a clarity call where I ll do some consulting on sort of a one-off basis.
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Next up.
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This next question is in regards to Troubled in Tennessee from Fan Mail Friday number 94.
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Jordan.
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Wow, Troubled s question brought back a lot of memories of the end of my marriage over two years ago.
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Without going into too many details, my ex-wife was emotionally involved with another man.
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At the point that I found out, it was too late.
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She had already given this man her heart and she was in love with him.
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She wasn t thinking clearly, clearly, and had these grand ideas of staying married with a boyfriend on the side.
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As I discovered all of this and confronted her, it turned into a blowout and she walked out on me and my daughter.
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Oh, wow.
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On the kid?
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I never want to see a family torn apart, but I don t have much faith in Troubled s wife letting go and falling back in love with him.
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Therapy is definitely a must and if she realizes the errors of her ways and decides to cut that relationship off, then you should forgive her and start over again with you trying to fall back in love with her and she with you.
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If she doesn t agree to therapy, then you need to start planning your exit strategy so you and the kids have a soft landing.
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I don t wish this on anyone, but I will tell you that if it got worse, it can get better.
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And if you end up divorced, it s not the end of the world, it just feels like it.
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It s been over two years since my ex walked out, and I m in a better place physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually than I was at the peak of my marriage.
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Hang in there, troubled.
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Wow, well thank you for this note here.
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This is really one of the coolest things about having the whole AOC family chime in on Fan Mail Fridays because you find people with personal experience in some of the craziest situations.
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I really appreciate the letter here.
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This is from Buck, by the way.
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And so, wow, I mean, walking out on your own kids, that s what shows me in situations like this that it s not like, oh, I could have done this, I could have done that.
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When someone walks out on their own kids, they got ish going on in the background that you can t fix, right?
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I mean, it s not, oh, we didn t maintain a relationship, and I did these things, no, it s like if they re leaving their own kids, they got major issues that need to be addressed.
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And sometimes it s better to just start with a clean slate, easy for me to say, of course, but thank you for that, Buck.
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Jordan, why don t you cover business and fitness topics too?
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Yeah, this was a sort of a running theme.
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I sort of amalgamated all these questions because I get this a lot.
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Why don t you just cover business stuff?
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How come you don t cover this health topic?
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And we get pitched, as you know, Jason, we get pitched these topics all the time.
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A couple times a week at least.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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And the reason we don t do that is because if we try to please everyone, because a lot of people are thinking right now, well, if you hear about it all the time, maybe you should expand in that area.
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If you try to please everyone, you please no one.
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And in order to do shows like that, I would have to make the Art of Charm a commodity among podcasts.
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I don t mean a hot commodity.
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I mean, commoditize it as in fungible goods for you economics people out there.
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In other words, corn is corn.
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Oil is oil, right?
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Water is water.
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And so I don t want to do that with Art of Charm because there are a ton of shows out there.
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I mean, there s what, 350, 400,000 shows on iTunes, something like that?
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Most of them do kind of whatever the hell they feel like it.
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They do it in a mediocre way.
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There are tons of shows that are kind of business and kind of fitness and kind of this kind of that.
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There s one or two shows that are getting away with that, one of which is, of course, like Tim Ferriss, because his brand is based on those things and he s cutting edge.
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in investing, and he s cutting edge in fitness.
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But if I m just covering generalities of these things, we can t focus on what our competitive advantage is, which is giving great advice, dissecting psychology and science, and making it applicable for the listening audience.
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Those are the things that make AOCA valuable.
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property that make it worth listening to in my opinion and so I do not want to dilute that with here s 10 ways to increase your email responder or here s how you can invest in create you know financial success on autopilot I don t want to cover that it s not my area of expertise and last but not least since it s not my area of expertise it makes it much harder for Jason and I to call BS when somebody floats out of theory if someone says
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Well, you know, if you wish it, you want it, you can do it.
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I can go, well, wait a minute, let s back up the truck and I can dissect it and discredit that as needed.
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But if someone says, look, you know, if you work out this way, you re going to have these results.
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I can t really say, well, that doesn t jive with science because I d have to master.
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essentially an entirely different subject area.
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Same thing with business.
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I may know a lot about business, running one myself, but I don t know about every other business and I m certainly not interested enough in most of the aspects of marketing and things like that to be able to service the internet-based entrepreneur here.
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So I m focused on...
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the layman wanting to learn how to improve, the high performer wanting to learn how to improve based on the latest expert advice and scientific technique and mental mindsets, things like that that are really going to take people to the next level, not just this sort of menagerie of crap that you can find online elsewhere.
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And I would also like to point out that we, a lot of times when we pick our guests, it s based on feedback from the audience.
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And when we do every now and again, run business or fitness topics, we don t get the feedback that we do for our normal set of guests.
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So a lot of that comes from the audience yourself.
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So a lot of that, you know, with the business and fitness, we don t get much feedback on that, or we get a lot of negative feedback.
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The topics that we do pick and the guests that we do pick, we get great feedback on.
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And that s how we kind of run the show along with Jordan s area of expertise.
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Right.
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And it s easy to look at sort of the data online and go, well, look, you know, some of these bigger shows, they talk about X, Y and Z. And you can see the people are talking about that on Reddit, blah, blah, blah.
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But there s this massive silent majority of AOC family that are just guys and gals working the nine to five,
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love in the show and applying the stuff in their daily life in Illinois, right?
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There s there s it s really easy to listen to this sort of vocal minority of Reddit people or vocal minority of like digital nomadic entrepreneurs that are yelling and marketing online and people build successful businesses in those niches, but they never have wider appeal.
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They re always relegated to that sort of sub audience.
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So it used to make me nervous because we used to see these shows blow up and be like, oh my gosh, this person who teaches webinars has got all this activity and then a few months or
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a few years later, we just see them being replaced by the next guy doing the exact same thing, and they re trying to rebrand, and they re trying to change their business into something else, and we don t have to do that, because our fans are actual fans of AOC, not just people who decide to try online marketing, or trying to get in shape, things like that.
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So I think we re in a strong position here, and we ve been doing it for 10 years, and it s worked really well so far.
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And also, I don t think either of us have an MBA or a six pack, so there you go.
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True story.
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I got a letter recently as well about, this is essentially from an entrepreneur, a close friend of mine who had another friend s family member pass away, and he was asking for tips on how to offer support.
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And I think there s a lot of really great, interesting feedback.
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from this.
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One of the bits of feedback that most people don t think of, because of course everyone wants to send condolences and send flowers and things like that, but I always want to be there for other people in the way that they need me to be there, not just the way that makes me feel good, right?
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And there s this kind of
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I hate to overuse this word, there s a kind of self-serving, not quite narcissistic way that people tend to offer support, which is right when it happens they send a text or they send an email or they knock on the door and they re like, I just want you to know I m there for you, blah blah blah, and it s great and they mean well at the time, but really it s more for them than it is about the person who s grieving.
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And so this really interesting tip from a friend of mine, increase your offers to help a friend who s mourning about six weeks after the death of their loved one.
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And this is the point at which the initial wave of support has died off and people are particularly vulnerable.
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That s an interesting point as well, because since all the flowers have been discarded and all the fruitcakes have been eaten and all that stuff, the funeral s over, everybody else kind of moves on, but the grieving one is sort of in this weird limbo where they re not nearly recovered.
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And yet, they re not really also getting all that attention.
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And some of the people that are still thinking about them are kind of like, yeah, I don t know if we should message Chris, you know, his father passed away recently, probably shouldn t.
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So there s almost this distance being kept at the time where they need it the most and they re feeling the worst because it s all kind of set in and they re going through the day-to-day.
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without their father, brother, sister, significant other, child, whatever.
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And again, we re not talking about a hard six weeks here.
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This is, it might be a few days, it might be longer, but generally not.
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To be clear, offering to help initially is great and important as well, but the consistent support throughout the whole ordeal, that s what s really, really priceless.
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All right, moving right along.
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Deng is worried that he s too short and he s taken on a small personality.
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This is a funny note, because it was so concise and short itself, the letter was just like, hi.
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No pun intended.
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Yeah.
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It s like, hi, I m only, I mean, we re cutting it way down here, but I mean, I think Deng is like 5 2 , and he s worried that he s taking on a small personality.
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And what I read that to mean is he s not really making himself heard, taking up space.
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And you re certainly right on this one, Deng, in terms of taking on certain personality characteristics and then having no one think about it aside from you later on.
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And this is an important concept to notice because it means you can use other signals or attributes to shape people s perceptions of you other than your height.
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So for example, I had a friend in law school who was, he was jacked, and he was a good looking dude, but he was probably 5 3 , 5 4 .
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And he was never viewed as short.
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And him and I used to have conversations about this, how, you know, a lot of women didn t even notice I was short.
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Because, of course, he was very cognizant of his height.
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However, the fact that he was really smart and spoke with a loud volume, but not an overcompensating one, just loud enough to be heard and made sure that other people were paying attention to what he said and all that stuff, he managed it in a very adept way.
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that he was socially dominant, and I don t mean over others, but he was able to have a personality the size of everyone else in the room, and he had great leadership skills.
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So that social dominance, that leadership was weighed more importantly in law school, and I would argue is weighed more importantly in civilization in general.
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Most of us are busy obsessing about ourselves and the things we cannot do and not change about ourselves.
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But in modern-day civilization here, it s not just about the size of the gorilla.
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We re looking at even in chimp populations.
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We see that the people, or the chimps anyway, who are able to make alliances better are the ones that tend to be in charge and are the most alpha.
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We re not just talking about the chest-beating gorilla that can smack the other ones around.
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So you might not completely overcome this hang up you ve got on your height, but you can worry about it all you want, even though you can t change it.
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However, it s always better to focus on the things that you can change.
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And I know that sounds a little bit trite, but most people are ignoring this.
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And that s what gives you the power in these types of scenarios.
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So stop worrying about, oh gosh, you know, what if they think I m the work on the other elements of your personality, work on the other elements of your social skill set.
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And at some point you ll be able to work around this perceived shortcoming in your life.
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to the point where it ceases to be a consideration.
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A couple of random notes.
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I got a language map sent to me by a fan named Roy.
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Looks like a huge portion of the United States speaks German as a second language, and that was surprising to me because it s not that they re learning it in schools.
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I mean, I would have thought maybe in World War I or something, people
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spoke German because their parents spoke German or something like that, maybe World War II, but do you live in a place with tons of German speakers?
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I m curious, because it was most of the Midwest had that as a second language, and I grew up in Michigan, and I don t think I knew anybody that spoke German who wasn t German.
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This is so random, and another note is I got a letter from a fan about the month of Ramadan and some unassociated stuff along those lines, but I gotta ask, you know, if you re a conservative Muslim and you have family parties,
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How does it work with the covering and the women and stuff like that?
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I mean, if your brother s wife is there, can you see her without the face cover?
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I mean, because I m talking about real conservative, because I just don t get it.
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I mean, are there separate rooms for the men and the women to have the same party?
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I don t get how that works.
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I m very, very curious.
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If you live in a family like that, I d love to hear about that.
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less curious in what people assume happens, much more curious as to the people actually living that life.
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So definitely write to me and let me know.
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I m dying to know.
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Friday at theartofcharm.com.
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If you enjoyed that as well, you can of course send your question in.
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Again, Friday at theartofcharm.com to get your questions answered on the air.
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A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at theartofcharm.com slash fmf97.
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Also, don t forget about the AOC challenge.
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You can text the word charmed
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C-H-A-R-M-E-D-2-3-3-4-4-4 in the U.S.
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or anywhere else, just go to theartofcharm.com.
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We ll take you step-by-step on networking and making better personal and professional connections, increasing your social capital, your charisma, and it s for both guys and gals, so check that out.
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Text the word CHARMED.
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C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444 in the USA.
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Anywhere else, just go to theartofcharm.com.
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Of course, once again, I m speaking a lot these days.
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I went and trained with the Ranger Battalion recently.
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I m going to a couple other corporations that I m actually not allowed to name for whatever reason.
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If you re interested in having me come and speak to your organization, especially your company, your school, just reach out to me here, jordanattheartofcharm.com.
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Quick shout out to PJ, who says a steady stream of this advice and the books over the past several years have helped him shake depression and get his life moving forward.
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This is awesome, PJ.
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Thank you so, so much, brother, for sharing that.
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It has been my honor to serve you over the past decade here.
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And another shout out to Jamil Kasuri in Bishkek,
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Kyrgyzstan, he had a funny comment about how Kyrgyzstan is so far away, so remote, that they couldn t buy any vowels from Pat Sajak.
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Because you spell Kyrgyzstan, K-Y-R-G-Y-Z-S-T-A-N, if memory serves.
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Yeah.
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That s right, just hit rewind and hear that a few more times.
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Or Google Kyrgyzstan, if you can even get close enough to the spelling of it to have Google correct you.
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Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up, I d love to shout you out.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com, including info on our live residential boot camps that we run every week, pretty much, here in LA.
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If you really want to dig into this stuff and work on your AOC skills with us as your coaches, that s bootcamp.theartofcharm.com.
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Now stay charming, get out there and connect, and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to the Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.