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Hi, thanks for listening to the Tony Robbins podcast.
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This is just a quick note about this episode in case you d rather watch and see the video of this conversation, which includes behind the scenes footage with Tony, Sage and me, Mary B. And that s found at youtube.com backslash Tony Robbins live.
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You d like to listen, you re in the right place.
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Well, hello there everyone and welcome back to the Tony Robbins podcast.
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Tony, thank you once again for joining us.
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I m the token male on this podcast.
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It s nice for me to be able to come to my podcast here.
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Seriously, if you re joining us right now, this is our family podcast.
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This is our modern family.
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You may have seen our identity podcast or maybe the mindfulness one.
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This is one where I m kind of doing the introduction and I ll do a few minutes, but now I m going to turn you over to my two favorite ladies in the world who are going to give you their perspective on the subject at hand.
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And so what is the subject at hand, Mrs. Robbins?
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Well.
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Nice to see you, Mary B. Nice to see you, Toenster.
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We thought it might be an interesting lens to share.
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There s such an awareness in the world today about mental health.
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And I thought it might be an interesting perspective.
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We talked about this, that from each of our reference or from each of our experience, what do you do?
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What do you do when you feel stuck?
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When you do, what does that look like?
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Because that is so relatable for all of us.
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And it looks different.
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intimate journey into the interior of one s own mind.
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You know, I speak for myself and what unearths mind with inside myself or what disentangles could be a different process for yourself or for Mary.
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And yet human for all of us and relatable for all of us.
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Uh, so I know at events, uh, you certainly do a deep dive on beliefs.
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That s our little pup halo, by the way, our Yorkie, uh, who s joining in, uh, and yet, uh, what.
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I feel has been so beautiful about these conversations is it feels intimate and at home and possibly just a different lens or perspective or share differently than at an event.
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That s why you said to me, she went to me, I m not telling you the subject, just come.
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I want to hear your spontaneous response because I over-prepare every time I do an event of any sort.
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So I think I understand where you re going with this.
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I want to say one thing to you, which is, you know,
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When people talk about mental health, you and I have had this discussion before, you know, we re emotional creatures.
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And our minds can create great emotions or negative emotions.
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Our bodies can go through biochemical changes that then show up in the mind and show up in the emotions.
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It s a complex process.
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And you are bouncing back and forth.
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And I loved your term.
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Why don t you share it?
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Because I really liked what you came up with.
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Do you remember?
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This was actually just a couple weeks ago that Tony and I, it was a Sunday and we were sitting outside and talking about really mental well-being from the perspective that it s something that we claim for ourselves and mental well-being includes
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clarity of mind, flexibility, and a state of well-being, which comes with an ease.
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And it s something that we re each empowered with.
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And it s an inside-out job, where I look at mental health as something that we re getting assistance, maybe from a medication, or a therapist, or a psychiatrist, or something of that nature.
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Maybe this isn t what we talked about.
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So if I m going off on a lens.
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No, no, I m listening to your different show.
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I like your different show, actually.
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And mental health, a lot of times,
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be looked at as what s wrong rather than what s right.
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And yet mental well-being, it s a state of well-being.
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It s a state of ease, a state of clarity of mind.
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Life is meaningful.
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It doesn t mean that your life is perfect.
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It doesn t mean that your life doesn t have stress.
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I don t know anybody that doesn t have stress in their life or frustrations or concerns or fears or worries.
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I mean, that s just part of the human condition at times.
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Some people live in it and some people live a pattern.
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But think in terms of the quality of your life.
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If you have a sense of well-being, what are your relationships like?
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How does it feel when you wake up in the morning?
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When challenges happen, how do you roll or flow?
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It doesn t mean you don t get stuck, but you don t stay there.
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And to me, it s a state of readiness.
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It s emotional fitness as opposed to emotional intelligence.
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Emotional intelligence is really valuable.
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Intelligence is a resource.
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You can be a really smart person and be smart in this moment.
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But a state of fitness is different.
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That s why I use emotional fitness when I describe it, is because when you re emotionally fit, you re ready.
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It s like my muscles are ready.
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Something happens.
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I can make it happen.
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And I think, you know, mental well-being is a state of being where you re able to enjoy your life.
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You re able to find meaning in your life, and you re able to learn from the challenges, and nothing really, you know, smashes you.
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If it does, you pick yourself up very quickly.
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And it s just like being fit.
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The more mental well-being, the greater the balance of that in your life, the better you can roll.
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Because listen, the one thing that s universal for all human beings I ve found in my life, and I ve had the privilege of working with the most successful to the most challenges in 195 countries now, every country in the world.
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And I can tell you, nobody escapes this world without extreme stress at times.
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You might think they do.
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You might think, oh my God, their life is so great because they have this perfect family, or this perfect business, or this perfect economics, or this perfect education, or whatever you think it is.
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But I get to see people from every walk of life, in every culture, the most successful, the most challenging.
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Everybody has a place where they get tested.
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And that s part of being on this gift of this planet, where we re here at Earth School figuring out who we are and what we re about, what we are here to contribute and give and create.
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But I think one of the skills of that mental health, mental wellness, whatever you want to call it, state of well-being, is your ability to deal with challenge quickly and not get stuck.
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I think stuck states, if I was going to give you my $0.02 for you guys who might want to play here is to get your perspective on how do you get out of stuck states?
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Because it s all been there.
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You re stuck in a relationship and you just can t get through and you get pissed off or you get frustrated or you get sad.
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Some people get angry and they fight.
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Some people run.
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Some people freeze.
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Those are the three patterns we all have when we get across something that s overwhelming to us.
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What is your pattern and what can you do so you don t get stuck in that pattern and you get out of it really quick?
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It s not that you ll never get there.
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It s just you don t stay there.
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That s how you have a great quality of life.
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That s why I like that word fitness.
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I mean, you use fitness and you use flexibility, excuse me.
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Flexibility, yes.
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Emotional fitness and emotional flexibility.
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Something about having flexibility in there translates to like, if you re prone to getting stuck, okay, my goal is flexibility.
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Asking for a friend, asking for a friend.
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Tone, I have a question for you.
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Do you mind?
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Please.
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I m going to throw it back to the archives here.
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Remember this guy?
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Yes, I do.
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I like to call him... He was only a dominant power in my first book I wrote when I was 23.
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So my question is, if you have only recently come into the Tony Robbins ecosphere, if you re listening out there, you might have come in through his financial, his most recent financial books, or Life Force, the most recent health and vitality and longevity book.
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But before that, there was this guy.
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I really like this guy a lot.
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I love my tiny tone.
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And this book in particular tone, I have to say,
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this I walk away from and I m like, okay, I can get a grip when I need to get a grip on things.
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My question for you is back in these days, used to use the term internal representations.
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And I d love to know what that means to you today, because if you ve been to events or things today, you don t use that anymore, but I m sure it s represented in some other way.
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But to me, it means like what I m
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picturing the story I m telling, that whole combination of this cocktail of stress that I ve somehow gotten myself worked up into this lather of feeling stuck or feeling angry.
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And I know that I m representing it to myself that way on the inside.
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And I know it s not like that in real life.
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But talk to me through that lens.
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Well, my focus in my first book at 23, I was figuring out how to help people and help myself.
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looked at what helped myself and what helped myself was not getting stuck in my head.
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It was having a bias for action.
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So unlimited power is really the capacity to act, to get yourself to take action.
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So many people live in their head.
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They go to therapy in their head.
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They go in circles and nothing changes because it just becomes a circular conversation.
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And so what do you got to get yourself to act?
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Well, to get yourself to act, you have to get yourself in a state where you ll do it.
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So you can take anything and make it represented in your mind as evil or good, you know, as
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difficult or easy.
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And the way we represent things is the way we feel.
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So the example you ve heard me use before is going to dinner, and you re supposed to meet your spouse, your boyfriend, your girlfriend at 7 o clock at night.
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And you get there at 7, and they re not there.
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What do you feel?
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I ask people.
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And I ask this in seminars all the time.
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What do people say?
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Somebody says, I m pissed off.
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And somebody says, I m worried.
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It s only 7.
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What if it s 730, though, and they ve not called or text?
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I m really worried.
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I m really angry.
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And you see division in the room, right?
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What if it s 8.30 and they ve not called, and they ve not shown up, and they ve not texted?
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And the woman says, I m full, because I didn t wait for the bastard, that kind of thing.
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But the point is, how you feel about that experience, two people can have the same event, but they don t have the same experience.
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And it s how they represent it in their mind.
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So one person represents they don t care.
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They didn t show up again.
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They re probably screwing around with somebody else.
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They re going to be angry.
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The other person says, what if they re in an accident?
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So whether they say that or picture it, however they represent it controls the way they feel, which is your state and your state controls what you do.
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So my whole focus was if I m going to get you to act, I got to get you in the right state to get you in the right state.
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I ve got to find out what s keeping you from that.
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And one thing that s keeping you from that is I would say today what you focus on or the meanings you give, because that s a simpler way of describing it.
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But the actual process is how you represent that situation.
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You can call it representing it.
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You can call it what I focus on.
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You can call it the meaning I give it.
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Those are the words I tend to use today, because to me, they re simpler.
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Whatever you focus on, you feel.
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Whatever you focus on, you don t experience life.
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You experience life you focus on.
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If I m focused on what s wrong, my life is wrong.
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If I focus on what I love, my life is love, right?
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That s a different way of representing it.
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It s a totally different feeling.
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It ll produce a totally different set of behaviors, and those behaviors will get a different result.
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But the other thing that affects it, you know, in my model that I talked about there, is the way you use your body.
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And I think that s where you ve got to start, because your emotion is controlled by your body.
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I don t just mean biochemistry from the standpoint of, you know, whether you ate a meal and you have low blood sugar, low hydration, which obviously affects people s emotions.
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Your wife, your wife.
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My wife gets this thing called hangry.
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Red zone, red zone.
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Physiology first is what my motto is.
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But also when I m working with people, when somebody gets up and goes, yeah, I know I need to do this.
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In that state, they re never going to do it.
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So I will do something to provoke them, to tease them, to move them, to shift them, where you ll see a change in the tempo of their voice, in the way they move, in their facial expression.
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I ll get them to laugh.
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I ll do something bizarre, crazy weird.
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I will break the pattern.
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of the way they re representing things and the way they re using their body.
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Because it s the combination of what you focus on, represent, meaning, the story you tell yourself, and what s going on in your body that creates the state you re in.
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And from that state, all your behaviors come.
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So to me, I want to answer your question.
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It really comes down to, yes, the way you represent the world is the way you experience the world.
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I ask people, what s life?
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Well, it s a test.
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Well, then what s life like if it s a test?
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If it s like a test, then it s hard, and I gotta study, and I could fail.
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Or some would say, then life s easy, because I m good at tests.
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It depends on the person.
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Or is life a battle?
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Then those people always are looking for someone to fight where they expect there s going to be a fight.
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It s always a struggle.
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And they find a way to make it a struggle, because that s what their body does.
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And then is life a party?
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Is it a dance?
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Is it sacred?
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Is it a gift?
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Like, however you represent life,
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it ll change completely what you re feeling and what you re doing.
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So that s what I meant by internal representations.
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And I use meaning now, and I use focus, because I think they re just easier words.
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I made things more complex then, I think, to try to prove myself.
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I understood every aspect of the human mind.
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Still a great book.
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Thank you.
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I m glad you loved the little tone.
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The greatest.
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Tiny tone.
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Well, I appreciated that response.
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Two things that I noticed at this stage of our life, we ve been together close to 23 years.
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24, but who s counting? 24.
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And what I recognize, the first probably decade or 15 years, we were getting over ourself, you know, and conditioning comes up and impressions or expectations and all those dynamics.
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And at this stage, there s just an appreciation and love and almost a humor at times that surprises me.
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And I certainly appreciate if
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I have, if I m off or stressed, or if you re off or stressed in a moment, we have such an understanding of each other s intent, appreciation of each other s intent.
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And nor do I. And I m sharing that because those of you that are listening, there s a larger belief of a knowingness of
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the allowance or acceptance of the human, what might look like behavior in a moment, but to know the nature of each other, to know the purity of intent, to know the innocence, to know, and behavior can come up and express just like it can for all of us.
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That s such a benevolent lens and a benevolent way to perceive and experience each other.
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I think at the time when I was talking about your primary question recently,
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You told me I shoved it up your ass.
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Or tush, sorry.
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I think ass will probably flow through on this podcast.
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My wife was telling me what s going on and I, you know, listened for a very, very, very long time.
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I love that we re sharing this.
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I was sharing all this and at the end I said, honey, you know, you might want to consider the possibility that, you know, those who understand, we all have a primary question we ask and sometimes those questions enhance our life and sometimes they don t.
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You actually have a primary question that s really beautiful.
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She asks all the time, where s the good in this?
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Where s the great in this?
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And where s the God in this, really, is what you re asking so much, honey.
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And it s one of the most beautiful things about you.
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But in this particular situation, she was stressed.
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And when you can t meet your primary question, mine has always been, how can I make it better?
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And if you can t do it, you feel a little crazy inside.
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I m not doing it justice here, because we have so little time.
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But I teach it at David Estey.
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And it s one of the most profound things we teach.
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And my wife knows it.
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And so she was really struggling with this.
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So I said, funny, I said, honey, you might want to realize
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you know, you re not really asking your primary question here because that s your power.
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And the response to me was, well, let s just say that, uh, in that moment, I was less keen to entertain what, uh, was needed or not needed or any notion of my primary question.
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Uh, and I absolutely let him know that.
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So, uh, but what was interesting and not, and, and, and not in a connective benevolent way, uh,
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But what was beautiful, I walked up the stairs and saw myself and witnessed my behavior.
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And, you know, I brushed my teeth and caught my breath and came back down and met you in the hallway.
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And I said, Tone, I m so sorry.
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I just behave ridiculous.
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And what you were offering was actually incredibly kind.
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But my response was laughter, not laughter at you.
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It was laughter because this is, I think, one of them, I don t know where you re going with all this, but I do want to plant the seed because one of the greatest gifts on this planet that God has created for my life and that we ve co-created together is our relationship and our family s relationship, you know, with Mary and Billy and our little baby girl and our kids and grandkids.
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And I think one of the secrets to all relationship is to never question the intent.
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I know that s hard.
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in the beginning, when you re beginning a relationship, and sometimes even harder when you ve been around for a while for some people.
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But you and I both made a decision early on that we knew each other s souls.
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Yes.
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And that we knew that no matter how things looked on the outside, there was never bad intent.
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There was never the desire to hurt the other person, and there never has been.
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And so I adore you.
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I love you and I respect you, all the above.
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So there s no way for me to have a reaction to something beyond a moment than to realize, and I blame myself.
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I said, okay, I probably should have waited a little longer before offering.
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Don t try to fix it, Robbins.
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Don t try to fix it.
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I know not to fix things.
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Even I know that much.
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I know not to fix things, but I thought it d been long enough that maybe this would be a good piece, but I was wrong.
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And I actually apologized to you for that.
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You did.
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So, but, but it s really, I think so much of stuckness in relationship, maybe I bring it up to stuckness again, I m trying to connect it to his theme.
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You know me, I m trying to actually have a through line here.
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I think comes from the fact that people, we make up meanings.
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and the meanings we usually make up, and this is human nature.
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I ve read all kinds of studies on this, where we usually, if someone else does something we don t like, we wake up and the motive is negative.
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If we do something that isn t so great, when we re not beating ourselves up, it s like we have pure motives.
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But I know every motive that drives your soul is nothing but goodness.
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And yours too, Mary B. And I m not just saying that because we re all present.
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That s why we re family.
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Because we re all here to serve something more than ourselves.
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And we all love each other completely.
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And I love our family completely.
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And that s such a gift, because when you have that foundation, all the other things you re going to face in life, you can deal with.
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And I know not all of you have that yet, and I m not claiming that you do, but you can claim that kind of relationship with a friend.
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Most people do it better with a friend than they do it with a loved one, unfortunately, because they have more expectations of a loved one.
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Friends, you know, they have a bad day, we go, all right, we might not like it, but I understand they re having a bad day.
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But we do that with those closest to us.
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Most people treat strangers better than they would, they ll treat their most beloved, they ll say things that they wouldn t say to a stranger, you know.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I think it s important to not get stuck in
2
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made up meanings because there s more on the line.
2
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Yes.
2
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When I get really stressed and when I get really overwhelmed, which can happen for sure, part of why I stay out of that, for the most part, is because I m constantly stacking the good.
2
SPEAKER_00
And recently, I saw some friends who are not close to us, but people we know.
2
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And they were two people that were really lovely, and they really, truly fell in love with each other.
2
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I think about 10 years ago, 12 years ago, they met in an event.
2
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And so that s how I knew them.
2
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Got to know them because they became platinum partners.
2
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And the relationship came to quote unquote ahead recently, and they re ending that relationship.
2
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And I knew it was going to end.
2
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It was obvious, and it was because of all the negative stackings.
2
SPEAKER_00
like all the little meanings that people stack.
2
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Like if a problem shows up and you just honestly deal with it at the table, and you don t just deal with it, you take responsibility.
2
SPEAKER_00
You go, listen, I m feeling this.
2
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It s not you.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s probably my own triggers from the past.
2
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And you don t make excuses for your triggers.
2
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And I just want you to know it s not you.
2
SPEAKER_00
If you deal with things when they re small, it s easy.
2
SPEAKER_00
I always talk about kill the monster while it s a baby.
2
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Don t wait till it s Godzilla taking the city, right?
2
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But I think
2
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One thing that helps my life is we go through more in a week than most people do, you know, in a month or whatever.
2
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I mean, you know, the last, what, six days, I went to bed sometime between 6 and 7 a.m.
2
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And in some cases, I got to be up three hours later for another meeting.
2
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It s not what I recommend.
2
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But I m dealing with people in the Middle East.
2
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I m dealing with people in China.
2
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I m doing all these
2
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these business portions and their complex issues that are being dealt with and people I m helping overseas and someone who s, you know, just lost their baby.
2
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All these things happen all the time.
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But what keeps me going is every single day I stack the good.
2
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And if I m ever really stressed, the first thing I do is change my physiology.
2
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If I m really stressed, and by the way, you can be stressed and no longer think you re stressed anymore.
2
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If something was stressful and it s over, you ve resolved the problem or you resolved the argument or whatever somebody went through, but that energy is still in your body.
2
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It s there.
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And so what I ll do is I ll go, you know, what s your thing you tell everybody?
2
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My bro, what did you say, Mary?
2
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If somebody works at a seminar, we re at an event, and it s a real stressful event.
2
SPEAKER_01
They re crying their eyes out.
2
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Their makeup s halfway down their face.
2
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All right, go wash your face, brush your teeth, get back in here.
2
SPEAKER_01
You re fine.
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That s her standing.
2
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That s her reset.
2
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That s her stress cycle.
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She does it.
2
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She does it.
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It works for her.
2
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It works for her.
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She goes out there, like she just said it earlier, she set your head up the stairs.
2
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Remember the story?
2
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She brushed my teeth and I came back down in a different state, right?
2
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Good to go.
2
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So she knew how to change your physiology first because your mind is not going to work when you re locked physiologically.
2
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And a lot of filming people are locked or when they re stuck, it s physical.
2
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So for me, if I can t, I jump in water.
2
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If I m not at home, I have a freezing shower if I can get in it.
2
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Here I love jumping in the cold plunge or the hot water in the cold plunge, anything like that.
2
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For me, water, temperature change is so radical, it ll change things.
2
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Or I would just go out and frankly, I m fairly vocal, no one s around, and I would just give out a good scream of intensity.
2
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As loud as I can.
2
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It sounds stupid as hell, but I do it, do it, and all that energy gets on my body and then the brain resets.
2
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I ve done that with people in seminars that were just completely stuck.
2
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It didn t matter what you asked them, what they did, they were so angry, so harsh to the person around them.
2
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And I ll just get them to stop and say, I want you to tell me where that is in your body.
2
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Find the location.
2
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Where s the worst?
2
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I ll make the sound of that as loud as you can.
2
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No, even louder.
2
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And I make them push and push until there s nothing left.
2
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And then all of a sudden, boom, their mind works perfectly, they solve the problem.
2
SPEAKER_00
So physiology first.
2
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But I think the second thing I want to mention is I understand the power of stacking.
2
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So my other thing to do that s easy, there s no temperature change like that, I just literally take out my journal or I take out my iPad or a computer and I ll write 20 things that are magnificent in my life.
2
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And it always starts with a family, there s no exaggeration to that.
2
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And I write down what s magnificent, not what s OK.
2
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It s magnificent, right?
2
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And I make myself feel and associate to that because, like I said earlier, you don t experience life.
2
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None of us do.
2
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We experience life we focus on.
2
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And when you re in it, the pattern just stays the same.
2
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You think that you re stuck because you think this will never get solved.
2
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You re stuck because you think it shouldn t have happened.
2
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It s unjust.
2
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You re stuck because people didn t support you.
2
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You re stuck.
2
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You ve got some meaning that s in your head, and now it s in your body.
2
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So you change your body.
2
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And then instead of trying to deal with the meaning, most people don t.
2
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They don t, you know, overreact to their kids because of what happened this time.
2
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It s because it happened again, or their husband or their wife because it happened again, or somebody because it happened again.
2
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When we overreact, it s because we ve stacked negative experiences.
2
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So what I do is I stack for positive.
2
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And then, and then I also, lastly, I d say as I pay attention to my language, I grew up
2
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an environment where my parents had a belief that, you know, you just stuck it out and you fought till it was done, and you could say anything, and you said it with total intensity, and they used very colorful language.
2
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But you couldn t leave the room.
2
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If you left the room, the relationship was over.
2
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So I saw some battles.
2
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So I never threw things or broke things or did anything of that nature, because I saw that.
2
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But I certainly borrowed the language patterns I grew up with.
2
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And then I came and fell in love with this little creature over here.
2
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And then you too, Mary B, where Bonnie Pearl s most intense words are often to sugar and shoot.
2
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And she s certainly capable of the other words, don t get me wrong.
2
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But the majority of that, she uses these words that soften.
2
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And you do too.
2
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You have all these sweet words.
2
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And so one of the things I noticed is I m really exhausted, really stressed.
2
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my language patterns change.
2
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I ll curse on something, not out of person, just in the situation.
2
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Sometimes I d use that for intensity.
2
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Shoot isn t strong enough for what I want to express in a situation or move something.
2
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But it s good to notice your language patterns.
2
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Because if you soften the language patterns, like this is stupid, this is great, versus this is curious, or isn t this wild?
2
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Or, you know, isn t this interesting that we re doing this pattern again, as opposed to what the hell is wrong?
2
SPEAKER_01
Tony, I like when you give us the, I m fascinated.
2
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That s right.
2
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It was really fascinating to me, as opposed to what other F word I would have used in the old days.
2
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So I just think those are three things to look at.
2
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Your physiology,
2
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look at your stacking, and unstack by stacking new things, and then language.
2
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But I d love to know, Mary B., what do you do when you re getting stressed?
2
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Sincerely, what do you do to get out of it?
2
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Because you do a great job of it.
2
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You understate your value in that area.
2
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I m so glad you mentioned stacking, because that s one thing I learned from you that I d never had the understanding of before.
2
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But yeah, when it feels overwhelming, when I have the
2
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the sensation or the feeling that stuff is on top of me, to use a terrible metaphor, life feels too much to handle, it s because, right, I have all these things stacked.
2
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Or sometimes it s just not even a whole bunch of things, it s just you also tell me sometimes things have to be decoupled.
2
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And so sometimes I m just like, I have this thing and this thing and they re not even related, but they re happening together and it feels like
2
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This goes, if this goes, that goes.
2
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And it s like sometimes just pulling two things apart is enough for me to just get the spaciousness I need to come back into sanity.
2
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To be like, okay, I m not completely, my brain isn t completely useless because I m just so.
2
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Yes.
2
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You re also good at gratitude, Mary B. Yeah.
2
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I think that s a fair, when you say that s fair, I mean, one of the reasons you re beloved by some people is you re so incredibly loving and sweet to everybody, Mary B. Even times when it s difficult, your nature is you hold an identity for yourself as being a good person to your core, and you are.
2
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But I think because of that, you constantly build gratitude.
2
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And I think that s the thing that I ve seen you come back to.
2
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Yeah.
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You know, you pull the thing apart and it s like, no, you know, this is, you know, this is all part of the process.
3
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And I m so grateful.
3
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I m so grateful this and this, how you speak that way.
3
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I think that s one of the patterns, at least I observe in you.
3
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Is it true?
3
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Yeah.
3
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Those big beliefs, like, I think it s so helpful.
3
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I think there s, there s a section in here of beliefs that
3
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I m making this up, but my go-to ones are like, everything happens for a reason.
3
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Just something that no matter what, knowing that I actually really do believe that with conviction, that that kind of, okay, if I really believe that, which I do, then this too shall pass, then whatever it is.
3
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I saw, probably Pearl and I were talking about this the other day when we were having lunch outside.
3
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I was saying I saw, I think it was a group of actors, I think Tom Hanks was one of them, a group of them.
3
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They were all very successful actors, very successful men in the business at least.
3
SPEAKER_00
There weren t any women in the group.
3
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And they were like, as men sharing, which men don t usually do, like, you know, what s the one thing you wish you would have known that would have made your life a lot less stressful?
3
SPEAKER_00
And Tom Hanks said,
3
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this too shall pass. 
3
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And you should have seen all their heads going up and down, you know.
3
SPEAKER_00
Sly Stallone was here the other day, and we re having some really cool conversations.
3
SPEAKER_00
He s one of the coolest people I know.
3
SPEAKER_00
He s just a really amazing human being, and all the things he s gone through, people have no clue, but it s that same thing.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like, we could all relate to that.
3
SPEAKER_00
We had this cool dinner recently that I got invited to.
3
SPEAKER_00
It was like, Jon Bon Jovi s a friend of ours.
3
SPEAKER_00
He s a great rock and roller, if you re not familiar with him.
3
SPEAKER_00
Really brilliant guy.
3
SPEAKER_00
Been in the business, I don t know, 35 or 40 years.
3
SPEAKER_02
Is that how young our audience is?
3
SPEAKER_02
We have to pre-frame Bon Jovi?
3
SPEAKER_00
Keep going.
3
SPEAKER_02
Keep going.
3
SPEAKER_02
I just can t hold this in.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_00
I hope I know who he is.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think he s going to go on tour again for his 35th or 40th year.
3
SPEAKER_00
I forget which one it is.
3
SPEAKER_00
But he called up and said, we want to have this goat s dinner.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I said, what s a goat s dinner?
3
SPEAKER_00
Greatest of all time.
3
SPEAKER_00
He goes, you know.
3
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I m not going to tell you I m the greatest of all time, but in my category, I mean, I m one of those.
3
SPEAKER_00
He goes, you are, Nuri.
3
SPEAKER_00
He goes, I want you and I. And he goes, I want Tiger Woods.
3
SPEAKER_00
I want Tom Brady.
3
SPEAKER_00
And he said, I want Tom Ford from fashion.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I want Slide.
3
SPEAKER_00
All get together and have dinner.
3
SPEAKER_00
So we had this really cool dinner.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it was a privilege even to be there.
3
SPEAKER_00
But what struck me is what you thought people talk about.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m not going to reveal anything that was shared there if it s private, of course.
3
SPEAKER_00
What I noticed, number one, was the most important thing that people are dealing with, with all they ve succeeded in their life, was relationship.
3
SPEAKER_00
Every single one of them, to some.
3
SPEAKER_00
Some are really great, some are challenging at times.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then also was just all the pathways we ve gone through, all the challenges we all faced, and how much we value them now.
3
SPEAKER_00
you know, how you look back on them and go, thank God that happened.
3
SPEAKER_00
I can see that that made me so much stronger, made me care so much, made me create so much more.
3
SPEAKER_00
And Bonnie Porter, I hope you tell us what you do.
3
SPEAKER_00
And you came up with what you told me you do.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I never even knew this, and I ve been with you 20 years, this internal thought you have that you use.
3
SPEAKER_00
I thought it was beautiful.
3
SPEAKER_00
Not this too shall pass.
3
SPEAKER_00
It was a different one for you.
3
SPEAKER_00
Will you share it?
3
SPEAKER_03
Yes, of course.
3
SPEAKER_03
I want to mention one thing, Mary.
3
SPEAKER_03
Another thing that you do that I find ever so beneficial and useful is when you get enough clarity of mind, you use humor and you ll mimic back and replay back the circumstance.
3
SPEAKER_03
Not harsh, sarcastic, but tongue in cheek, exaggerated.
3
SPEAKER_03
And that will invoke a laughter.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, it feels like the only thing sometimes that can move me out of fear.
3
SPEAKER_02
I see that.
3
SPEAKER_02
It feels like a safe way to get out of fear.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s an awesome technique.
3
SPEAKER_00
It certainly works for this family.
3
SPEAKER_03
I just wanted to mention that because sometimes that gets missed.
3
SPEAKER_03
It s the gift of humor.
3
SPEAKER_00
What do you do when you start to feel stuck, honey?
3
SPEAKER_00
What do you do?
3
SPEAKER_03
Well, you know, you ve both talked or mentioned the fact that I go up and wash my face and brush my teeth.
3
SPEAKER_03
I mean, I don t do it every time.
3
SPEAKER_03
But the purpose of that is to get some distance so I can self-reflect.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_03
So I can recognize what possibly I ve missed.
3
SPEAKER_03
So I can perceive, uh, you know, with fresh eyes, but also myself.
3
SPEAKER_03
Cause usually if I m upset, I m seeing it outside myself.
3
SPEAKER_03
And so I get distance so I can actually self reflect and see myself in it.
3
SPEAKER_03
Uh, and then when I recognize that it s me, cause it is always me, uh, I, from there look to, um,
3
SPEAKER_03
act and it usually looks like I ll reach out and just like I did in that moment and say, I m sorry I was behaving ridiculous and thank you for knowing my intent.
3
SPEAKER_03
But I ll usually look to apologize to clear that energy.
3
SPEAKER_03
The other thing, then if I m really lock stuck, I will remind myself that all is well.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s it.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_00
I ll remind myself that.
3
SPEAKER_00
And how do you do that?
3
SPEAKER_03
All is well.
3
SPEAKER_03
And I ll use an affectionate name.
3
SPEAKER_03
Sometimes I ll say, sweetheart.
3
SPEAKER_03
Sometimes I ll say, all is well, Bonnie Pearl.
3
SPEAKER_03
All is well.
3
SPEAKER_03
And I ll usually look outside, if I m not outside, just to broaden perception, because all is well.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_03
All is well.
3
SPEAKER_03
The waves are crashing, the wind is blowing, birds are coming and going, like life is happening.
3
SPEAKER_03
All is well.
3
SPEAKER_03
No matter what I m believing and thinking and no matter how acutely tense of stress that I might be experiencing, that s in my own internal view.
3
SPEAKER_03
Because if you look out around you, all is well.
3
SPEAKER_03
Life is happening.
3
SPEAKER_03
People are laughing, people are walking, people are talking.
3
SPEAKER_03
And that is always so humbling.
3
SPEAKER_03
And so that is definitely an internal lens of a reminder that no matter what is happening, all is well.
3
SPEAKER_03
So definitely all is well.
3
SPEAKER_03
Many times I ll ask myself a question.
3
SPEAKER_03
What have I missed?
3
SPEAKER_03
And if I m not able to, say if I m really stuck and I m blind, a lot of times I ll come to somebody else that I love, and I ll say, look, in this circumstance, what am I missing?
3
SPEAKER_03
Because I actually really have a hunger to see, to understand, and specifically to see myself, because that s the only thing that I can shift and change.
3
SPEAKER_03
Uh, as you know, inquiry of, uh, the four questions of, is this true Byron Cady s that I find that, uh, ever so useful, or even sometimes if mind is really going and I m feeling like, you know, ego is just justifying and rationalizing and, and really building an architecture inside my mind.
3
SPEAKER_03
I ll just, I ll be like, okay, what am I actually even believing?
3
SPEAKER_03
And I ll just write down whatever that is, the one statement and just look at it.
3
SPEAKER_03
And it looks ridiculous to me.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
Because the moment that I can actually visually see it, and then it s like, it just starts unraveling actually in that moment, because when it s just happening inside mine, it s happening in ego sap, building it so quickly that it helps me to fix it on paper.
3
SPEAKER_03
And then I look to take responsibility.
3
SPEAKER_03
I look to take responsibility and that s completely selfish.
3
SPEAKER_03
I want to clear it up.
3
SPEAKER_03
I want to clear the space inside of myself and inside of anybody that intentionally, not intentionally, unintentionally I may have hurt by my tone of voice or intensity or lack of awareness.
3
SPEAKER_00
We all get stressed.
3
SPEAKER_00
We all get overwhelmed.
3
SPEAKER_00
We all misinterpret things.
3
SPEAKER_00
We all have triggers from our past.
3
SPEAKER_00
But our job is not to say, you re triggering me.
3
SPEAKER_00
Our job is to notice those triggers and get rid of them.
3
SPEAKER_00
Stop engaging in them.
3
SPEAKER_00
And sometimes that takes a little time to do.
3
SPEAKER_00
But over the years, if love is the guiding force, we ve done that.
3
SPEAKER_00
And if you ask me what the greatest gift of my life is, there s no question it s our relationship and our family.
3
SPEAKER_00
I ve had the privilege of working with people from every walk of life, millions of people, and I have the privilege and pleasure of knowing that I ve been able to help a lot of people in a lot of different ways that I m grateful for and proud of.
3
SPEAKER_00
But there s nothing more important than those you love most and you having something that continually grows in its depth of love and its depth of appreciation, its depth of gratitude and its depth of respect.
3
SPEAKER_00
You have to start there and enhance it.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s not someplace that you get to someday because people treat you a certain way.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s a line in the sand that you set because it is so important.
3
SPEAKER_03
I agree.
3
SPEAKER_03
I love you.
3
SPEAKER_00
I love you too, sweetheart.
3
SPEAKER_03
I m curious.
3
SPEAKER_03
Don t you feel, honey, for those that are listening right now, maybe going through a really challenging time or a really painful time, or they re stuck, or maybe they just got a diagnosis, or they have a health challenge, or their beloved does, or possibly they
4
SPEAKER_01
just lost their job.
4
SPEAKER_01
Hindsight is so beautiful because you have broader perspective.
4
SPEAKER_00
So we ve all experienced loss at a physical level.
4
SPEAKER_00
We ve all experienced disappointment.
4
SPEAKER_00
We ve all experienced, you know, relationships that we thought were one way that became another.
4
SPEAKER_00
We ve all experienced people we thought were friends that maybe weren t.
4
SPEAKER_00
So disappointment and pain are part of life.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s what we do with them.
4
SPEAKER_00
And we re all going to feel them.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I think it s important when they happen to let it touch you.
4
SPEAKER_00
You know, my friend Jim Rohn, my teacher, was one of my great teachers.
4
SPEAKER_00
And he always just said, let life touch you.
4
SPEAKER_00
Don t let it kill you, but let it touch you.
4
SPEAKER_00
Because out of that pain, you develop drive.
4
SPEAKER_00
So I think everything has its purpose in your life.
4
SPEAKER_00
And that s where that belief of life is truly happening for me, even though it doesn t feel like it, even though it doesn t look like it.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s happening for me, not to me.
4
SPEAKER_00
But it s my job to figure out how it s happening for me.
4
SPEAKER_00
I think everyone has what I call a global solution.
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something when you re finally willing to let go of your pain, no matter how bad the pain is, a death, a loss of a job, a disappointment, a relationship end, there s something, the global solution is what do you value more than your pain?
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Now, if a woman mom loses her kid in a drunk driving accident, it s horrific.
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But the one that makes it through is the lady who started MAD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, because she just took that and said, my legacy is going to make sure that my child s life had meaning and make sure millions of other children don t die.
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That s inspiring.
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That s beautiful.
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It s painful, but it s beautiful.
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In my opinion, that s God.
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That s grace.
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That s the invisible hand that s guiding us to make our life about something more than ourselves.
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And I think that s the way out of pain.
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What do you value more than your pain?
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Because you ll hang on to your pain until there s something more valuable.
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You might value your kids not feeling your pain and taking on responsibility for your pain.
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So it s like, I got to get my act together because I don t want my kids to feel this.
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Or someone dies in your family and you say, listen, if I fall apart, everybody else does.
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You re the one person that pulls it through.
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I think we all have that capability.
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Not all of us use it.
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And part of that, I think, also is your own beliefs about yourself and your own expectations of yourself.
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Not that you re perfect, not that you re always going to have the answer, but that, again, you have a responsibility to something more than just yourself.
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I think that s the missing piece for a lot of people.
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I d love to put a frame on it, Two Tone, as long as we re going into this place.
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And we have nosed at it, but just to be really direct around it, we ve recently even in our own family, friends of ours, close to home, we ve had people that have taken their own lives much too soon.
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And I m wondering like,
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especially just in this world after COVID, we re so lucky.
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We have so many people in our lives on any given day.
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Like there s like 25 people in this house by the time we have our first coffee in the morning, not you, thank God.
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But I feel for people that just feel alone.
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And I m wondering if you could offer anyone, if anybody out there is listening and we ve talked about this, like we ve all had days where it s just like, man, like,
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I don t know what to do.
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I can t do this.
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I don t know, like, where, if you re in that place, if anyone out there listening is in that place, anything like where to start, where do they start?
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That s a great question.
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You ve got to start where you are.
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I know that sounds stupid and trite, but it s true.
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You re not going to start with something way beyond where you are right now.
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So you ve got to see where you are.
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If you ve been through enough, you know, I got a call yesterday and I spoke to someone today who s a very dear friend, and they just lost their baby.
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And then, so that s tough enough.
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We ve been through that several times.
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We know what that means for someone, so we ll be there to comfort them.
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But then they just found out the reason they lost the baby is the mom has cancer.
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And so we found that out today.
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And their dog died about five minutes before they found out the cancer piece.
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I mean, you can t make up these stories, right?
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So what do you do?
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Well, the first thing is you ve got to have compassion for yourself, for that person.
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You ve got to connect emotionally, even with yourself, and give yourself room to feel whatever you re going to feel.
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And then you can t just stay there, though, or you ll just wallow and suffer.
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And you can, but it s not my choice.
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When it comes, let s talk about the specific suicide situation I m talking about, because that s been something I ve had some expertise in, obviously.
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And as you said, there s been some friends of yours, a friend of yours that just recently took their own life, and the devastation that does to the family.
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The one thing I d remind people is everybody blames themselves, but we re not God.
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You don t know what s going on there.
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I could have prevented it.
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I could have done this.
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I could have done that.
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Or people say, you would have done that because you got the skill.
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I said, well, maybe.
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I certainly have the skill in this area, but there s no guarantee on anything because we have free will.
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And there are certain people that can do it.
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You ve got to say, what s the real challenge?
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The real challenge is that people today don t have a compelling future.
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If I asked you, what s the vision for the United States?
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The vision is division right now.
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The vision is, well, the world s going to go to hell.
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The environment is being destroyed.
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By the way, these are exaggerations.
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They re stories.
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They re narratives.
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But people, change your story, change your life.
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When the story is it s over, when the story is there s no great reason to live, when the story is there s nothing compelling to move towards, we can all deal.
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I ve said this a million times, but it s true.
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We can all deal with a really, really insanely difficult today if we have a compelling tomorrow.
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But if we don t have a compelling tomorrow, that s why so many kids are saying, I don t want to have children.
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It s absurd, because someone s convinced that the world s going to be destroyed in 12 years.
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It s totally bull.
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We all know it s bull.
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Anybody who s done their homework knows it s bull.
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But people love exaggerations to promote whatever agenda they have.
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And then people buy those agendas.
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And invariably, when somebody takes their own life, it s because they have no compelling future.
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They think that dying would be less painful than living.
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And you are not responsible for that.
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And you can t even be responsible for that with your own child, because people can make those choices.
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Now, can you do things to help yourself and help other people get out of that?
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The answer is yes.
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I think maybe the answer is, in those situations, you ve got to bring people together, you ve got to love everybody, you ve got to have the compassion, and then you ve got to think about, what do we do to honor this person?
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so that there s something meaningful that comes from it.
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And then how do we prevent this as family, as society, is that we notice when people don t have that compelling future, and we question it.
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Because all a belief is, is an unquestioned thought.
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You ve told yourself something over and over again until now you feel certain about it, and people act upon what they feel certain about.
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When I see people that are suicidal, what I do is take away their certainty that dying will be, you know, will be less painful than living.
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When you switch that, they won t do it.
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We all, as human beings, we move away from massive pain, what we associate pain to, and we move towards whatever we think is pleasure or will be a lot less pain.
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And so the meanings, those internal representations we make are what control that.
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So right now in society, there s not a lot of vision for people.
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That s our job as parents, as family members, as friends.
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And we re not going to be perfect, and we can t know what s going inside with everybody.
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So I wish I had a magic wand.
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I could say, here s the answer.
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There isn t.
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The answer is for each of us to take responsibility for ourselves and become an example of what s possible.
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with deep love and consideration for those around us and knowing that everyone s going to do things at a different tempo in a different way and they have different goals.
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But helping people finding a meaningful life is possible in the middle of concentration camps.
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If you know somebody who s really depressed, my favorite book of all time, at least one of them, is Man s Search for Meaning.
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We re actually going to make the film.
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We re in the middle of
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finding the right writer for it as we speak, but we brought the rights to it.
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If you haven t read the book, you must read it.
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Viktor Frankl, one of the heroes of my life, because here s a man who s in a concentration camp and witnessed his family being murdered in front of him and decides that he s going to find a way to figure out why certain people make it and others don t.
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And that will to live comes by having a compelling future.
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And for the Jewish people, for those that made it, it was that vision of, I m going to make it through this, and I m going to tell the story so it never happens again.
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Never again was the cry.
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But the difference between somebody who just went for the moment of survival, getting the food, getting the cigarette, getting something for their need, he knew those ones were going to die quickly.
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or thinking about the future made decisions differently.
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And I think we all need to create a compelling future, a meaningful future, and appreciate where we are today, and give ourself room to learn and grow in this experience called life, this earth school, so to speak.
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Well, thank you.
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And when I think of originally what was the intention of these conversations,
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It was that people would experience how we relate to each other, the love that s in
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this family, knowing one day our daughter and our children will listen to this, and as well just relating in this humanness and the beauty of this human experience, and to know that that s where we all meet, and we re all walking this path home, and we all have this inner world to understand, to transcend, to find meaning.
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to appreciate.
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And you know, our daughter s just over two and there s this little book called The Listening Rabbit.
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And for those of you that have somebody in your life that maybe is going through a challenging circumstance and you just don t know what to do, I m gonna do a dreadful job of recapping it, but just let me give you the lens of it.
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There s a little boy that s building this big blocks and it falls down unexpectedly.
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Each animal, maybe the bear comes and he wants to rebuild it.
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And the kangaroo is like, if you remember it, you can rebuild it back again.
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But he didn t want to do all these things.
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And if you wanted to shout about it, another animal, maybe the bear wanted it.
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If you want to shout about it, and this little boy, his name s Taylor, he didn t want to do all the above.
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And this little rabbit came and just nestled down beside this little boy and just sat there and said nothing and did nothing.
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And then this little boy went through all the experience of, you know, he shouted, he, he wanted, he, all the things that he didn t want to do, he experienced and life came to full fruition.
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And, uh, he asked the bunny not to leave.
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And I don t know why I m sharing that right now.
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And the rabbit listened and the rabbit listened.
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Yes.
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And the rabbit listened is the, uh, thank you.
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Is the whole point of it.
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And I was so touched by the simplicity and yet the beauty.
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And a lot of times, when we don t know what to do, our presence, just our presence, our love, we cannot underestimate the power of love.
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And love in action sometimes has a non-doing.
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It can simply just to be with somebody is such an extraordinary gift.
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Um, and, uh, you ve held the space and, uh, for so many tone and, uh, it s, it s such a powerful gift in all the ways in action and in non-action, uh, that you do in this home, uh, probably more action than non-action, but sometimes those, I, I, it s just the.
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power of you are such a beautiful listener.
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Mary, you are such a beautiful listener.
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And the gift of that.
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And so for those of you that are listening and thinking, well, gosh, I m not Tony Robbins, and I don t know how to do what he does, or I don t have those lenses.
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Just the power, the profound power of love.
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And every moment of life offers us a moment, an opportunity to possibly love more, not less.
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no matter what the circumstance.
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And that alone is a bomb.
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That alone is transformative.
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And you do that every day.
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And so the intention of this was to share an inner lens and
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uh, a relating, uh, a sense of, uh, uh, the atmosphere of this home and this family and how it all comes together and knowing that it s not just the listeners that ll be listening one day.
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It will be our daughter and our children.
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And it makes me happy.
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Uh, and I think it s beautiful.
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And so thank you for coming on this ride of the unexpected journey of maybe not having a plan and a structure where Tony creates a tension.
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I want to be comfortable.
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I want a candle.
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I want to wear my burgundy socks.
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Incense going.
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And I wanted to share this space called home.
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And so thank you.
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And you create this space called home, you and Mary together.
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the sounds, the smells, you know, you can t come in our house, everybody comments about the music, you know, this is amazing, it feels ethereal or the smells of this place, the flowers and the incense and all those things.
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I m always touched by people entering a home because they feel the essence of this family, the love that we all share, but also the little things that you all do to create an environment.
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I think that s an important thing to think about is how do we create the environment
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the best in you and the best in your family, how you create an environment that nurtures playfulness and joy and love.
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Thank you.
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Thank you.
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Thank you.
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Thanks for having me on the Tony Robbins podcast.
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Anytime Tony Robbins.
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But it s been a great visit.
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I love you both so much.
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And those listening, I hope
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There are some seeds in here for you if you start to feel stuck, that A, you d be a little nicer to yourself, a little kinder to yourself, because kindness can also break the pattern.
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It s not always easy, especially those of us that are tough on ourselves.
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But as the years go by, you re beginning to realize you re wasting your time beating yourself up, because all it does is lower your energy, and a lower level of energy leads to more mess ups.
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Better to probably just appreciate these are part of the dynamics of being human, and then just see what works for you.
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Is it changing your body really in a strong way?
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writing down all the good stuff?
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Is it remembering some core belief, like, it all happens for a reason and purpose and it serves me, or, you know, all is well, or, you know, life s always happening for me, not to me, some core belief that goes beyond, or is it some global solution, something that you value more than your pain, something or someone you value more than your pain, something you want more than your pain, and then just realizing that
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We re all here, continuing to learn.
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And as long as we continue to learn, as the months and the years go by, you get stronger, you get wiser.
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It doesn t mean you don t have challenges, but you have better quality ones.
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That s really the goal.
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I ve always said that the biggest problem people have is they think they re not supposed to have any.
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And the truth is, problems are a sign of life.
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So if you have a problem, it s just calling to you.
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But hopefully, you trade your old problems for better quality problems, different quality challenges, and we continue to grow.
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Because if you grow and you give, when you grow you have something to give, you grow and give, then life is really meaningful.
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It is.
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And love is the most meaningful thing of all, and it s hard to love at a deep level if you ve also not gone through pain or suffering or disappointment or frustration, because then it s just fake, it s just like chemistry.
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When you get beyond chemistry to something that has depth, that s when life really has that magnificent feeling where you feel like it s all a blessing.
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It s all a blessing.
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Isn t it?
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It is indeed.
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Love you guys.
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Good talk.
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Love you listeners.
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I don t know you personally, but I hope we meet you someday and we hope some of this serves you when you get into a tough position or you can use this to help somebody else.
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Blessings to you.
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So I had an idea to begin this portion of this podcast episode.
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I would like, do you want to hear it?
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I d love to.
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Okay, great.
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I would like to invite everyone out there listening, watching to invite into your mind a single thought.
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Focus on just one thought, any thought, pick one, just one, and focus on that thought.
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And it might be happy, sad, hungry, inspiring.
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It could be all sorts of emotions, but the truth is, this is what we know, that just that one thought
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caused a whole grip of effects to go through your body, whether it s hormones and neurochemicals, your heart rate fluctuates, your blood flow changes, all from one single thought.
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So then imagine this parade of thoughts that just marches through our minds all day.
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One of my favorite spiritual teachers, his name is Richard Roar, he s also like a recovery coach.
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He says, like a monkey ceaselessly swinging from branch to branch, our mind ceaselessly jumps from thought to thought.
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And that s kind of what we re talking about here today.
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What do you think about all that Sage Robbins?
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Well, I certainly have some monkeys in my mind that can swing branch to branch.
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It s so interesting.
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We can certainly all get stuck.
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I ll speak for myself in the labyrinth of mind.
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And how do we find our way through or out or back home?
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Although we never really left.
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you bring up such a great point because mental health certainly is a hot topic today.
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And what does that mean?
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Like, okay, our mind, our mentality, it s thoughts, those thoughts, that rules our entire life.
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And I don t think I understood that, honestly, till recently, when you first come into the idea that, yeah, like, what is that little voice in my mind that s like, constantly
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in there telling me what to do, what to think, what to worry about.
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And so as also our topics of keen discussion lately, anxiety, depression, sleeplessness, suicide, all the way out the gamut of
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We can call them emotions, but I think it really does start with a thought and then an obsessive recurrence of those thoughts.
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And we all know what that feels like.
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So we can talk about it in terms of someone who isn t well, or we can talk about it in terms of you and I and everyone we know, because this is the human experience.
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And you might not be feeling it right now.
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You might be in the throes of it right now.
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But if you re going to get down to the source, I think we have to then talk about the thoughts and beliefs that are making you feel this way.
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Yes.
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And for those of you who are joining, tune in.
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I mean, tune into yourself.
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I invite you to call your attention back to this moment and back to the sensations within you.
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I know that we ve walked through this practice on our meditation conversation, but it s really the same practice of noticing.
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A lot of times, so much in our life can be on autopilot.
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We re not even aware of what we re believing, thinking about a circumstance, possibly until we feel that schism, or that resistance, or I ll speak for myself, or that stuck, that stuck-bound energy.
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And what s so fascinating, depending upon whether we attach to the thought or not, because they re coming and going all day.
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We re not in control of that.
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Yep.
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We, we have the gift, you know, we can t troll the external circumstances, but we can control where we place our attention.
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Yep.
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That s it.
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What we focus on, we feel as Tone would say, but as we ve started to really pay attention to this and you say notice, and in the beginning I d be like, notice what?
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Like, what is this mindfulness practice?
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Like notice what?
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And so when you first said notice,
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I was like, great, that s really going to buck me up when I m feeling down.
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And now I see, okay, it s calling attention to.
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this thought that s causing the emotion that s causing your whole life?
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Possibly what we re unconscious to.
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Cause you know, if we re calling our attention to notice, to notice what I m believing in and thinking, to notice even what the story, sometimes if, you know, say if I m, I m, I m really bound or stuck in a circumstance, I ll look to write down.
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It s like, okay, what am I even frustrated about?
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What am I hooked by?
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What am I so charged at?
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And if I was to have a conversation with you, Mary, oh gosh, you know, mind ego could just have a heyday and be so utterly dramatic and add all of its rationalizations and justifications and assumptions and, uh,
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And yet to write it down in a, in a, in a short sentence, like, what is it for myself that helps me to fix it?
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And, and, and, uh, cause otherwise from my own reference mind, you know, ego mind is, is building a whole architecture, uh, justifying building this architecture, justifying what I m believing and thinking, even if it s completely false.
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Uh, I know from my own reference, when I m stuck in mind and, and it feels bound, it feels permanent.
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And for my own, these are just slight things that I find helpful.
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I ll say to myself, Hey, sweetheart, it s only energy.
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It s simply a thought.
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And you know, I ll.
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That lens or that belief that it s only energy because it s reality and energy can shift.
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It s not something that s this cement building that, you know, would take such force to move or to, to, to, to plow over.
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No, this is a, it s a thought internally in mind.
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We are energetic beings.
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It is energy and energy moves.
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And so when I m bound, you know, I ll remind myself of that because it feels like a permanent challenge.
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It feels like, Oh my word, if I m, you know, down a rabbit hole and something that I m suffering with and, and feeling, um,
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so in it, so in mind, either in sadness or frustration or anger or believing whatever thought it might be, that feels permanent in that moment.
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And those moments feel like the longest moments ever.
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Isn t it interesting how when we re having a great time,
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And in Unbound, Blue Sky, it s like, whee, and time goes so fast.
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But holy- Those moments right after you have an interaction with someone that didn t feel right, and then you just process it, and the minutes after that are just like, you see it again, you see it again, you see what they said, you see what you said, you see what you didn t say, you see what you would have said if it happens again.
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I speak for myself.
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It feels hellacious to suffer.
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It feels like it s going to last forever.
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It feels never ending.
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It feels physically, it s not just a mental experience because the body follows mind.
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It feels grueling.
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It feels depressive.
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It s a depressive state.
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Does that mean I m depressed?
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A fixed identity?
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Does that mean that it s a permanent condition?
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It means no, it s a wave.
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It s a wave in this human experience that we all navigate.
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And I, I find that extraordinary that there s nobody that is excluded, no matter where we come from, no matter what life experience, no matter whether you re, no matter who you are, the president of the United States suffers as much as I, or you would, might be different threads, but we all know pain.
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We all know joy in moments.
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We ve all suffered and felt sadness or anger or frustration.
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Those are common threads because they follow common beliefs or common thoughts that we all have.
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It s not even personal.
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Human thoughts.
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Yes, we believe that we re thinking them.
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But we re being thought.
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Tony would call it like a flavor.
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What flavor is it for you?
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Is it mad?
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Is it sad?
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Are you scared?
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Are you worried?
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Are you anxious?
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Are you pissed off?
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Are you frustrated?
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Whatever you re like, oh yeah, I get this, whatever it is.
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That s what we re talking about here today.
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Yes.
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And what that feels like, and you might be like, I don t, I don t suffer.
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Okay.
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Do you fall right asleep at night without a care in the world?
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You just drift off blissfully to sleep?
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Or are you one of the millions of Americans that need to ingest something of some kind to fall asleep?
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Like what s going on?
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We re living in a different world today where, you know, there s less of us or less of our children, but even us as adults that, you know, are in nature and, and being outside is a way to decompress.
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It s a way to have a broader perception that, Oh my gosh, there s all this life happening.
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You feel the sun on your face or you hear birds tweeting or whatever that might be for you.
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But that, you know, it, it, it makes us for myself anyways, feel so, so
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against something so vast and so large.
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I just feel like a, you know, just like an ant would be walking along.
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We re just, we re the same.
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And so for myself, getting out in nature, uh, and I recognize that a lot of times, you know, we re spending how much time on our phones, on social media, just, you know, these, and then that s training us to what are young, the younger generation that I need your love approval and acceptance.
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I need your attention.
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I need you.
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to confirm what I m saying or posting is okay and I want you to like it.
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That s painful.
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That s painful to want anybody to like you because, you know, uh, not everybody does because of their own references.
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I, for those of you listening, maybe some of you might enjoy what I m saying.
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Some of you might think, gosh, this is completely redundant and it might be, uh, because it s human.
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And, uh, this is where we all meet.
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Just the other day.
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I went to the beach and nobody was on the beach and I was sitting there and I was believing I was going to do a meditation.
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And then I just started feeling the sand and I was just feeling the sensation of the sand in my feet, in my hands.
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I was, I ended up rolling on my tummy in the sand and I didn t care about being dirty.
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I didn t care about anything.
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I was actually just feeling like the earth, feeling my body, my being in that moment.
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And where there was nothing, there was no stimulus.
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There was no phone.
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I had nothing.
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It was just me.
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And there was a couple of birds trotting around and that felt free.
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I m not doing a great job articulating.
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I ended up walking into the beach or into the ocean with my clothes on.
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And that felt honest.
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Well, that s a radical change of your physiology.
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You know, and just, I don t know, sometimes we can get so civilized of, I need to go get, I need to go get my bathing suit.
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I have to do this.
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And it was like, do I?
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No, actually, I feel like just immersing right now.
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And the body is a vehicle.
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And as we believe these thoughts and the thoughts are, you know, if there are suffering state that affects our, our, our, our bodies, our beings.
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And so to move in a way that is sincere, no matter what that looks like, even if it looks crazy, I find to be beneficial.
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to get through the bound energy.
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And then I will go more contemplative and take a look at actually what I m believing and thinking to inquire and question it.
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If you re listening to this and you are someone who has attended a seminar or an event, if you ve done Tony s audio programs or read his early works like Unlimited Power or Awaken the Giant Within,
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you might be listening to us like, guys, you know what to do.
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It s physiology.
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Move your body.
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Make a radical change in your body.
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Change your state.
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If you ve been to a UPW, you know that and you walk out of those doors and you know what to do.
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We are suggesting that even though we know that, that there are times when life happens and it s between the people that you often
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love most or at least care about in some way that like you feel a level of emotion that even though you know what to do, you get, I call it stuck stupid.
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Like I get stuck stupid.
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Of course I have all these tools at my disposal, but as a human being, we still get hooked.
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And it s like, I can t even think straight, like let alone like have the wherewithal to be like, yep, physiology first.
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I should go, you know, make my little move.
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And,
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And it s like, that is exactly what you should do, in fact.
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But that radical change in your body might look like walking into the ocean, if you re lucky enough to have an ocean nearby.
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It might look like, hey, I got to make a sound.
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I need to make a movement with my body.
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Go somewhere wherever you need to go that you can do it.
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But mind follows body as well.
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So if your mind is, if you re,
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stinking thinking has got you down, then your body can snap it out.
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Cold plunge many times.
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I will not go in the cold plunge.
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I will take a nice hot shower that does the trick for me or a bath.
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Yeah, some sort of like physical bodily washing to be like, wow, I want to like get this feeling off me.
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And it is, you know, in the same way that Tony will teach.
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We could ask someone what they re after, what motivates them, what drives them.
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what their outcome is, however you want to language that.
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And they can tell you anything they want to tell you, but dig under it.
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And it s a feeling that we re all after.
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So when we re stuck, there s some little red flag waving like, Hey, this does not feel good.
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I would like to feel differently.
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And sometimes, you know, that s an interesting, you just brought up an interesting point.
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I would like to feel differently.
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Uh, and sometimes we don t, we don t feel differently.
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Well, I ll share my own experience.
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Sometimes it s just, this is what it is.
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And, uh, allowing, uh, that to be in a moment, not that it s not as permanent peace.
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I m not saying I m going to stay there, but just recognizing that.
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you know, this whatever it is, is coming up to the surface and connecting and having compassion that this must be coming up to the surface to be understood, to be healed.
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And not, I ve certainly distracted myself.
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I ve certainly numbed myself.
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I ve certainly avoided, gosh, you know, all the threads that really take
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me, in the moment, from what s actually most real, what s most honest.
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And I don t even mean honest from an external perspective, just like, what is true?
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And I
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there s no right or wrong way in this human experience.
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And sometimes it can be really messy, and that s okay.
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And it s not meant to look a certain way.
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We don t judge when it s, well, maybe we do, but you know, the weather today, if it s cloudy, if it s sunny, you might have a preference, but both perspectives are allowed.
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And it s almost, it s like, okay, hey, yeah, how could you not?
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So you go to gratitude for what you could appreciate, enjoy right now.
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At times.
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Sometimes I don t.
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Sometimes I don t.
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Sometimes I m just sitting with what is and, and, um, just tuning in to it s, it s okay.
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It s okay, because what I ve recognized about myself too, if I have, oh, I shouldn t be feeling this.
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Well, I am.
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And so then I m judging the experience of the judgment of what, that s lunatic.
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Then I have judgment over judgment, suffering over suffering, and it s disconnecting me from, it s like, all right.
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How could you not believing what I m believing?
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How could you not?
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It s just compassion for this human experience.
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It s, it s not always easy.
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It s not always easy, and that s OK.
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That s OK.
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But we do have the gift or the choice to rise above the noise or the confusion of mind, the narratives that are untrue.
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Or we can sit and process, because you really think, what is processing?
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It s just thinking.
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So what is thinking?
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We re usually regurgitating the thoughts that are causing us to suffer.
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And that s OK until it s not.
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And so it s an opportunity to apply all those things like, okay, what s the story that I m telling myself about what just happened or what, and it s just, a story is really just that whole, all those thoughts sewn together into a story.
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So to share a personal example that s related to that,
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This happened between you and I the other day.
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I forget what we were discussing with a little passion.
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And you said to me.
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Mary, it doesn t mean what you think it means.
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And I almost like lost my mind.
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I was like, it means to me what I say it means to me.
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And I understand that it means something different to you, but like, don t tell me that s not what it means because I m telling you that s what it means to me.
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And in that moment, like I realized a few things.
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I realized like, wow, okay, I need to get there myself of like,
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well that is the meaning that I m giving to this right now and when I see it there it feels like it s there all of a sudden in bold face and it s like that s the meaning I gave this my bad like in that moment I m often ready to
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take responsibility and say, I need to make a new meaning because I know better.
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I know that life is more important than, that life is too short.
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I know that this is a person that I love and why am I wasting a minute of this life?
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upset with, you know?
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And so things start to unravel, but for me, it usually comes to a point.
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And then when I do hit that threshold of big emotion that feels like it s out of my range, then it s like, okay, we re hitting the nerve here.
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Well, thank you for sharing that.
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And I don t know which moment, because they happen.
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And it s this human experience.
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I feel as well that for those that are listening, that you re maybe at a place in your life and you feel like, I can t.
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I just can t do this another minute.
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And a lot of times when we have those thoughts, we believe that we re alone in that.
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We believe that it s because of something that s happening in our life that s unique to us.
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And all of us have felt that.
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If you think of what suicide is, it s like, it s a belief.
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I can t, I can t do this.
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I can t live this life anymore.
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And we believe that, and then we act on that.
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And we believe in those innocent moments that we re the only person that s experiencing that, or that s believing that thought, or that s experiencing that pain.
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And we ve all been there.
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I ve been there believing, I can t do this.
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I can t do this another minute.
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Travel back for a moment to some of the most or one of the most, not some, one of the most painful, what you believe, circumstances of your life that felt like the pain of that circumstance, whether it be a breakup or maybe a loss of a job or possibly a diagnosis in a family member or something.
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And in those moments, in that period of time that felt like it was never going to end, when you revisit it from this perspective, what do you notice?
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Do you notice that, uh, gosh, you know what?
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I, I didn t know it at the time, but I really grew or I, I, I evolved out of that or felt like it was the ending and the death and oh my gosh, it opened this door to something different.
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And, uh, that s also for myself is just to know that the reminder that life is indeed happening for us and that, um,
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From my own perspective, when I suffer most, it s usually what takes me closer to source.
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It s what takes me closer to God.
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You know, in those moments when I ve been in such pain that I m literally on my knees and so humbled and so ripped open or stripped down that it s because if you think of what s causing that suffering, it s just ego mind anyways.
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And so what s beneath that are
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a greater level of coherence of heart when we get out of our own human way or wanting somebody to behave differently than they are, wanting somebody, your beloved, to look at you a certain way, to say that they love you a certain way, and then they don t and we re upset about that.
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And we forget that, oh my gosh, I m here to offer that love.
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I m here to embody and be that love.
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Mind is such a trickster.
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It s such a trickster.
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And so some global beliefs, the global belief for myself that all is well, even no matter what is happening, I ll just say to myself, hon, all is well.
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And then the reminder that it is not my will.
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When I want it to be my will, I m crazy.
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And my will doesn t bring me the greatest happiness.
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And I remember hearing or reading, you know, not my will, but thine be done.
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What did that even mean?
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What does that even mean?
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But that there s a divine intelligence greater than our own.
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And to surrender to that, to recognize that what life is offering us is sincerely a gift, that is a realignment or a tuning into a greater, not even meaning, a greater reality, a greater reality of the truth of the moment.
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If I m upset because it s raining outside, that s on me, but it s raining outside.
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That s not changing.
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So I have the choice to appreciate that or not.
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So the greater truth for you, it is these meanings that you have given to life, the meaning of life itself, the meaning of what you re here to do with it.
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Does that feel accurate?
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Like I m trying to understand like, okay, how can people understand that?
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And I m trying to understand it myself.
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So it is, it s like, okay,
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Well, do you believe that there s something larger breathing this breath?
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Of course.
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Yes.
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Do you believe that that divine intelligence is orchestrating your life?
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I do.
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Yes.
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So when I want to control my life, or I want to control another human being to behave a certain way, and I m suffering because they re not,
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They are God s child just like I am and they re being their isness, who they are.
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And so when I surrender the control, when I surrender that life needs to look different than I want it to in order for me to be happy, that s simply crazy.
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And it doesn t work that way.
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And so I don t know if that s a belief or if that s, I suppose it is, or if that s actually accurate.
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Life is.
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Life is, and catching up to that reality, I find to be very helpful.
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And if I think that it should be different or somebody else should be different, it s brutal.
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It s simply brutal.
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And so having a lens of a belief, and for those of you that are agnostic, if you believe in source, what is the source that created this moment?
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for you to listen right now, for us to share right now, for us to connect right now.
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Okay.
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I am, I am that I am, I am light, I am love.
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And by the way, I don t mean I, me.
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I mean that I am, that is a consciousness that s looking through my eyes and looking through yours that has a greater intelligence than the narrative of the thoughts that we might be attaching to in that moment.
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That s something I do.
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I ll pray.
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And the other day I was walking up the stairs and I was like, Dear Lord, I know that this is selected for me, this life, this moment is happening for me.
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Thank you for connecting me to that truth right now.
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Do I see it in an instant?
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No.
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But it just creates that opening, that softening.
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Because that s all it really takes sometimes is just a softening of the lens of the grip that gets so tight, the reminder of our own innocence and whomever
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is that life is placed alongside of us or across from us, recognizing their innocence as well.
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I find that ever so helpful.
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I think that what you re saying is so you, what I m hearing is you do, you take it to some kind of higher identity and you almost get in touch with your highest values.
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I m realizing with the way what you do naturally ties into what Tony would teach.
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Why is it so powerful?
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It s not just Tony.
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a list as long as my arm of psychologists that say when you re really in touch with your highest values, when you ve consciously given time to think about what is values, what do we mean, just what s most important to you in life, then when you re hooked in a moment or you re feeling like this wave of whatever it is, anger, sadness, depression, anxiety,
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It s like, come back to what is most important to you.
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And oftentimes it s, it should be so strong and so emotional that that s enough to knock you out.
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Like if you say you re, you don t lose your connection to God, your identity is, is so that that s so strong for you.
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It reminds me of this, uh, uh, priest that I had in college.
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a friar, said to me once, Mary, let your problems bring you closer to God, not take you away from God.
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And that s part of, I think, what you do is when there is an issue or a circumstance or a situation, that s when you re like, okay, God, that s when you really do some talking.
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With my whole heart and soul.
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Because isn t that why we re here?
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to come closer to life itself, to connect with this divine miracle.
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And sometimes when things are going wee, there s so much that we can take for granted.
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So if it takes something, a thought, an experience, a diagnosis, a loss of a job, a loss of a relationship that decimates us,
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in that moment to, uh, I am not in control.
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That s humbling to me to recognize that there is something greater that we re living, that we re serving, that we re
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That s remarkable.
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And I believe that that is why we are here in this existence, for us all to touch upon that reality.
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And pain can be a catalyst for that.
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I don t know for yourself, if you think of painful times in your life, did they take you closer to God, closer to life, or further away?
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Sometimes in the moment, it might be further away.
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When I look back, I...
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There s a stripping of, of what s false.
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There s a stripping of what s synthetic.
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There s a stripping of what s, um, no longer needed.
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Uh, and that feels very honest and that doesn t always happen day to day.
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That usually happens with something that s really, uh, a painful circumstance.
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It doesn t have to be, uh, a lot of times it has been, I m speaking from my own reference.
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Yes, I find that at this stage of my life ever so accurate.
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If I think of, you know, it took me over 20 some odd years to have our daughter.
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And I think of the very first miscarriage.
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I, you know, miscarried a little girl at four and a half months.
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And that was painful at that time.
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It felt like that pain would never end.
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And yet I look back at her, me, and I have such compassion and also such appreciation that I never had that child at this time.
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Because number one, I probably wouldn t be sitting here.
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And that blows my mind.
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I wouldn t have had our daughter today.
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And that really blows my mind and heart.
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And then all the other miscarriages along the path and all the other what perceived to be loss, I didn t have the wisdom in the moment to realize that life was happening for me.
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But from this perspective, I recognize with every fiber of my existence that life was happening for me.
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I m just catching up to that.
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I was just catching up to that reality.
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And that s really beautiful to appreciate that, all of it, because it carves us, it opens us, it calls us, it tunes us, it reminds us, or at least it s an opportunity to be as such.
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I agree.
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That brings tremendous clarity.
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And in that clarity, a state of clarity of mind, I experience well-being.
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I experience more flexibility and clarity of mind.
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I experience more ease.
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I experience more peace, more happiness, until the next opportunity when I am stuck stupid.
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And I ve got monkeys flying through mind.
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And this beautiful process happens all over again, because life is always offering us a moment to wake up.
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That s beautiful.
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We hope that this helps you come home.
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Thanks for joining.
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Thanks for tuning in.
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Thank you for this moment and just know that you re not alone even when it might feel like you are.
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We sincerely all meet in this thing called life.
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Those are certainly all the attributes that has led me here.
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So I m thrilled to be with you and meet you.
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Thank you.
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We re on the same team.
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If you re listening, we re on the same team.
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See you next time.
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Bye for now.
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The Tony Robbins Podcast is inspired and directed by Tony Robbins and his teachings.
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It s produced by us, Team Tony.
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Copyright Robbins Research International.