0
SPEAKER_01
Time for Fan Mail Friday, where we ll be answering your questions and dropping some knowledge and feedback to help you kick the weekend off right.
0
SPEAKER_01
If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, this isn t the best place to start.
0
SPEAKER_01
Most of our content is more in-depth and longer format, so check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
0
SPEAKER_01
That s where we ve got the fundamentals of body language, nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, et cetera, and everything else we teach here at The Art of Charm.
0
SPEAKER_01
All right, let s cut to it.
0
SPEAKER_00
Jared writes, I have a question I was hoping you might take the time to answer, and I hope, should you choose to do so, that it would be with an open mind because of the questionable subject.
0
SPEAKER_00
In the past year, I ve been seeing a woman who is currently addicted to heroin.
0
SPEAKER_00
What?
0
SPEAKER_00
A friend of mine for years that just recently became more than a friend.
0
SPEAKER_00
I m having serious issues with being overprotective and jealous.
0
SPEAKER_00
I think mostly because in the past she has had stints of prostitution to support her habit.
0
SPEAKER_00
Jesus, okay, it keeps getting better.
0
SPEAKER_00
I m madly in love with this girl and we live together.
0
SPEAKER_00
Since we started seeing each other, she has not given me a reason not to trust her.
0
SPEAKER_00
I beg to differ, but okay.
0
SPEAKER_00
She does, however, talk a lot about past relationships and told me she has cheated in almost all of them.
0
SPEAKER_00
I believe the past is the past and that it shouldn t mean that I shouldn t just write her off and move on.
0
SPEAKER_00
How do I get over the jealousy and protectiveness, and do you think it s just a lost cause and that I should move on?
0
SPEAKER_01
At every turn and I m instead of just blanket statement.
0
SPEAKER_01
Hey, there s red flags all over I m gonna go through this email and mark them for everyone.
0
SPEAKER_01
So first of all, he even starts I hope you ll go through this with an open mind because of the questionable questionable subject matter.
0
SPEAKER_01
He already knows
0
SPEAKER_01
This is your clue, Jerry.
0
SPEAKER_01
You already know the answer to this because you ve already had the same negative reaction either from your friends and family or you re having it yourself and you know what everyone thinks about this.
0
SPEAKER_01
And so I get your concern here, but you should take that as your first indicator.
0
SPEAKER_01
In the past year, you ve been seeing a woman who s currently addicted to heroin.
0
SPEAKER_01
Heroin is not somebody who smokes pot a lot.
0
SPEAKER_01
Heroin s not somebody who even has some kind of eating disorder or body dysmorphia or something where you can work on this and still be in kind of a functional relationship at the same time.
0
SPEAKER_01
This is a serious, serious debilitating drug.
0
SPEAKER_01
There are very few functional heroin addicts.
0
SPEAKER_00
Heroin is basically the destroyer of worlds.
0
SPEAKER_01
It is, yeah.
0
SPEAKER_01
And she was a friend of yours for years, so you kind of knew what you were getting into, and now she became more than a friend.
0
SPEAKER_01
But I gotta wonder why you selected that to happen, especially at this time.
0
SPEAKER_01
I m having serious issues with being overprotective and jealous.
0
SPEAKER_01
I think that s because, and like you said, in the past she had stints of prostitution to support her habit.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yes, maybe that s why, but there s a lot of other things going on here that I m sure didn t make the email that are causing you not to trust her, even though in the next line you actually say, you ve given me no reason not to trust her.
0
SPEAKER_01
She s a heroin addict that actually prostitutes to support her habit.
0
SPEAKER_01
I m not judging the prostitution angle, I m just using it as sort of an indicator of how desperate this woman must be to get her fix that she s actually willing to sell her body to do it.
0
SPEAKER_01
You should really think about
0
SPEAKER_01
the level of commitment she has to the drug versus the level of commitment she s gonna have to your relationship.
0
SPEAKER_01
You can t, I shouldn t say you can t, it s gonna be very hard to make those two things compatible and you d have to be comfortable with that, but you re writing us because you re not comfortable.
0
SPEAKER_01
with that, and she also talks a lot about past relationships, he said, and she s cheated in almost all of them.
0
SPEAKER_01
That s a big problem, and there s yet another red flag and yet another reason, as you said above, not to trust her, even though you wanna sweep that under the rug, too.
0
SPEAKER_01
You might believe the past is the past, but guess what?
0
SPEAKER_01
It s the best indicator that you have of her future behavior, bar none.
0
SPEAKER_01
So I don t think you should write her off and move on.
0
SPEAKER_01
I think you should end your relationship with her and get her into rehab.
0
SPEAKER_01
If you really care about her, you don t need to date her.
0
SPEAKER_01
You need to get her to rehab ASAP.
0
SPEAKER_01
She needs to actually want to be there as well.
0
SPEAKER_01
And don t worry about your jealousy and protectiveness.
0
SPEAKER_01
That will go away when you re just friends with her again.
0
SPEAKER_01
You know, you can be protective and you can be jealous, but you shouldn t be in a relationship with somebody that makes you feel that way.
0
SPEAKER_01
And you re, you know, she s not making these feelings come out of you.
0
SPEAKER_01
You guys are both doing this by being in a relationship right now.
0
SPEAKER_01
So that s really bad news.
0
SPEAKER_01
There s a lot of mistrust in multiple places.
0
SPEAKER_01
You re just choosing to ignore them.
0
SPEAKER_01
You need to get her help.
0
SPEAKER_01
Like I said, she needs rehab, not a relationship.
0
SPEAKER_01
But you need to also ask yourself, it s not just about her, you need to ask yourself why you re screening in people who literally need you to survive.
0
SPEAKER_01
That says more about what s going on in your head and how you value yourself.
0
SPEAKER_01
So I would look at therapy for yourself as well.
0
SPEAKER_01
Like Jason, you had a little button to put on this one.
0
SPEAKER_00
I was just going to say, if she hasn t like taken your DVD and your credit cards or your DVD player and your credit cards yet, go out and rent train spotting because it is one of the most realistic looks at what happens when people get hooked on heroin.
0
SPEAKER_00
I know it is a fictionalized version, but I ve had a lot of friends that have gotten hooked on heroin.
0
SPEAKER_00
Some of them are dead, but if you stay with her, you are eventually going to be one of those people that also get hooked on heroin.
0
SPEAKER_00
I ve seen it time and time again.
0
SPEAKER_00
So get out and get help and listen to Jordan.
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, wow.
0
SPEAKER_01
I didn t realize that, Jason.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s a good point.
0
SPEAKER_01
I didn t even think about that.
0
SPEAKER_01
Being around that is dangerous in itself for you.
0
SPEAKER_01
All right, next up.
0
SPEAKER_00
Angelo writes, one of my friends suggested your show to me, specifically the Toolbox episodes, and I have been hooked.
0
SPEAKER_00
I can already see significant positive changes in my relationships, and I feel so much more confident and in control of my life.
0
SPEAKER_00
One question, though, relates to power dynamics of relationships.
0
SPEAKER_00
Last year, in my junior year of college, I really started focusing on getting a good group of friends together.
0
SPEAKER_00
Think Wolfpack.
0
SPEAKER_00
But I was always the one reaching out to the other people, and that gave them all the power in the relationship.
0
SPEAKER_00
I want to have a really close group of friends that I can count on meeting with on a regular basis, but I don t always want to be the one doing the inviting.
0
SPEAKER_00
How can I solve this problem?
0
SPEAKER_01
ditch these people, they re selfish and that ll come through in other ways if it hasn t already.
0
SPEAKER_01
However, if you grew up with these people and they mean a lot to you and you re okay with the one putting in all the effort, then fine, you can stay friends with them.
0
SPEAKER_01
Don t expect them to change, don t try to change them.
0
SPEAKER_01
That s the dynamic of the relationship.
0
SPEAKER_01
You re the one who gets to do all the work.
0
SPEAKER_01
However, if you don t like it and I feel like
0
SPEAKER_01
You don t, because that s what you re writing in to ask.
0
SPEAKER_01
You should look at it like this.
0
SPEAKER_01
This is a self-confidence thing.
0
SPEAKER_01
You know that these people don t really reach out.
0
SPEAKER_01
They maybe don t value you, and you have to kind of look at how do they relate to their other friends?
0
SPEAKER_01
Are they reaching out to their other friends all the time, and you re just the one who s not?
0
SPEAKER_01
Because you know the above already, right?
0
SPEAKER_01
You re afraid to lose these friends because you don t think, at some level, you re not sure you can find other people, or you re not sure that other relationships would be any better.
0
SPEAKER_01
And that says a little bit more about you and the way that you re thinking than it does about your friends.
0
SPEAKER_01
You can t change your friend s behavior.
0
SPEAKER_01
You can change the way you value yourself.
0
SPEAKER_01
And that s, trust me, it s a lot easier and more realistic to do that.
0
SPEAKER_00
John writes, hey Jordan, I ve started trading secondhand goods online and I m feeling a bit guilty.
0
SPEAKER_00
I ve been making about $1,000 a week extra on top of my working wage for little work.
0
SPEAKER_00
After talking to and getting to know the people I buy and sell with, I feel somewhat like I m ripping these people off.
0
SPEAKER_00
I feel like I m not adding any value to these people s lives and all I m doing is taking money out of their pockets.
0
SPEAKER_00
I m used to doing everything I can to help the people around me and in terms of customer service and shipping the goods, I do my best, but before this I always helped others for free.
0
SPEAKER_00
Is it that I don t value my own time I spend dealing with customers or that I m actually doing something wrong?
0
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, this is interesting, because I had a different sort of answer prepared, but now that I think about it, one of the reasons this is cropping up is because you used to help other people for free.
0
SPEAKER_01
So you used to value your own time at zero, so that s part of it.
0
SPEAKER_01
But the other thing here is you said you re selling secondhand goods,
0
SPEAKER_01
I don t know if maybe you re worried about the quality of the goods.
0
SPEAKER_01
I like to go by the rule, if you wouldn t buy it, don t sell it.
0
SPEAKER_01
That goes for all of the products and programs at Art of Charm, everything, you know, if I wouldn t consume it, I wouldn t sell it.
0
SPEAKER_01
You re probably being tainted by programming that makes you feel guilty, not for your actions in terms of selling, but by profiting itself.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s a mismatch for your self-worth in what you feel like your life should be like.
0
SPEAKER_01
And that could be a good thing.
0
SPEAKER_01
It could be stepping outside your comfort zone, which is a sign of growth.
0
SPEAKER_01
That said, if you sold someone a piece of crap, just give them a refund and learn from it.
0
SPEAKER_01
But I think it has more to do with the value you re putting on your own time because this is a new business for you.
0
SPEAKER_01
And maybe you don t have another business.
0
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
0
SPEAKER_01
We don t know from the letter.
0
SPEAKER_01
I don t know, Jason, what do you think?
0
SPEAKER_00
Well, yeah, it s kind of hard to tell from the letter, but as he was saying before, he was giving away his time for free.
0
SPEAKER_00
But, you know, most businesses are middlemen.
1
SPEAKER_02
and if you buy low, sell high, that s just business and you should never feel bad about that.
1
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, nobody slams on Warren Buffett for cutting a check and making billions of dollars as a result, right?
1
SPEAKER_04
Even though he s adding no real value to the company other than publicly traded finance, which they would get elsewhere, right?
1
SPEAKER_04
So it s all in your head.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, at least john here is putting in putting in the time and effort to go find the goods sell the goods package ship do customer service.
1
SPEAKER_02
His time is worth money.
1
SPEAKER_02
So he needs to value his own time and charge what he we know what s appropriate for his time.
1
SPEAKER_02
And it sounds like he s making money.
1
SPEAKER_02
So he just needs to get over the guilt.
1
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
1
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, that s very common with people who are new to business in general, is they feel guilty making a profit, because they know how easy it was for them, but it s like, for me, my coaching time, I might be telling somebody something where I m like, well yeah, you should just do this and this and this, because that s what I would do, but the fact is I spent,
1
SPEAKER_04
20 years learning the hard way what not to do.
1
SPEAKER_04
So that s actually worth money to them.
1
SPEAKER_04
It s about the value to them, not about the effort that you put in or the work involved on your end directly, right?
1
SPEAKER_04
It s a combination of those things.
1
SPEAKER_02
Absolutely.
1
SPEAKER_02
Next up.
1
SPEAKER_02
Edward writes, wanted to say thanks for admitting when you re wrong on Fan Mail Fridays.
1
SPEAKER_02
I find that generally people are more interested in being right than they are in finding the most correct answer.
1
SPEAKER_02
I appreciate it when people acknowledge when their perspective isn t spot on, particularly when they are a thought leader in their respective space.
1
SPEAKER_02
I wish I ran into this more in the space I work in.
1
SPEAKER_02
The most recent episode was the frat bro episode.
1
SPEAKER_04
You know, if I just sweep all of the times that I m wrong under the rug, I just feel like that s kind of a BS thing.
1
SPEAKER_04
It s like the podcast equivalent of social media where you re only posting your vacation pictures so it looks like your life is one big vacation even though when you re not posting, you re like wading through raw sewage or whatever your day job is.
1
SPEAKER_04
So integrity really is all we have.
1
SPEAKER_04
I ve said this before, trust takes years to develop and it takes moments to destroy and it s never worth it.
1
SPEAKER_04
So if I m not portraying an accurate image of my communication with you guys as the audience and the way that I interact with normal people and the way that I have normal conversations when I m wrong, then it s inauthentic.
1
SPEAKER_04
I don t like that.
1
SPEAKER_04
So thanks for being a fan.
1
SPEAKER_04
Please write us an iTunes review that helps other people find the advice they need and helps us outrank corporations that spend 100 grand a month promoting their podcast.
1
SPEAKER_04
So you re welcome.
1
SPEAKER_04
If I can admit I m wrong more and it gets me more credibility among you guys, which again is the most important thing to me, then I m all about it.
1
SPEAKER_02
Jordan, hope this finds you well.
1
SPEAKER_02
Recently, I ve been tasked with figuring out ways to market to more health care slash hospital potential clients for our consulting firm.
1
SPEAKER_02
With that said, I thought it would be a good idea to leverage my alumni network at Cornell.
1
SPEAKER_02
However, there was always something that bothered me about alumni reaching out to me asking me for something.
1
SPEAKER_02
And with the give and take philosophy, I m trying to think of something to offer an alum when I reach out to them without coming across as manipulative.
1
SPEAKER_02
Do you have any ideas of how I could connect with alumni to see if they could benefit from our outstanding healthcare consulting services without being too salesy?
1
SPEAKER_02
Your insight is appreciated.
1
SPEAKER_02
Namar.
1
SPEAKER_04
Yeah, you know, here s the problem.
1
SPEAKER_04
This is why one of the main concepts of networking, we talk a lot about this in the social capital product as well that we came out with, I don t know if we ve announced that yet, but it s dig your well before you re thirsty.
1
SPEAKER_04
You gotta build that network before you need it.
1
SPEAKER_04
And the reason is because now, no matter what you do to start the conversation with these people from your alumni network,
1
SPEAKER_04
If you go, hey, just wanted to say here s a free Cornell sweatshirt.
1
SPEAKER_04
By the way, if you looked at our unique outstanding healthcare consulting services, no matter what you do, it s inauthentic because really your agenda is to get your outstanding healthcare consulting services in front of them.
1
SPEAKER_04
If you d spend a few months helping people out with different things that are for their business, for their life, you re creating that network, you re creating those relationships.
1
SPEAKER_04
Right now you don t have a relationship.
1
SPEAKER_04
So if your primary reason for reaching out to create that relationship is to get something for yourself, you have pretty much already failed the networking game.
1
SPEAKER_04
There s nothing you can do right now that s not manipulative.
1
SPEAKER_04
if your agenda is to get them healthcare consulting services, unless what you do is you say, hey everybody, I have great healthcare consulting services, I d love to speak with people interested in this, here are some benefits.
1
SPEAKER_04
It s not a good way to make sales, it s really, really sort of.
1
SPEAKER_04
a fishing expedition, for lack of a better word, and it s not going to be that successful.
1
SPEAKER_04
So what I would do now, instead of trying to sell people things, is do what we teach at AOC, which is reach out and figure out how you can help other people get what they want.
1
SPEAKER_04
And then a few months down the line, you can ask them to take a look at your product.
1
SPEAKER_04
There s still the agenda there, but you re going to have to delay it as much as possible and deliver a lot of value before these people like and trust you enough to do business with you.
1
SPEAKER_04
Hey, before we go, I want to actually talk a little bit about the blog.
1
SPEAKER_04
You know, we send people to the blog in the intro to the show, but we don t really talk in detail about what s on there.
1
SPEAKER_04
One of the latest articles that s making a nice little splash, What Happens When I Compare Myself to Successful People?
1
SPEAKER_04
We talk about what happens when we hear how someone else is doing well and the mixed feelings we might get about that and how sometimes we end up hating and how we hate
1
SPEAKER_04
hating, right?
1
SPEAKER_04
Like, oh good, they re not doing that well.
1
SPEAKER_04
And why we compare ourselves to others, we talk about that.
1
SPEAKER_04
We talk about how to maybe get over that a little bit and actually be genuinely happy for others and ourselves as well and be a little bit more present.
1
SPEAKER_04
So go ahead and check that out.
1
SPEAKER_04
That s theartofcharm.com slash blog and of course you ll see our networking guide is available there as well.
1
SPEAKER_04
Hope you all enjoyed this.
1
SPEAKER_04
Don t forget you can reach me, Jordan, at theartofcharm.com.
1
SPEAKER_04
I read everything and I d love to hear from you.
1
SPEAKER_04
More from the art of charm at theartofcharm.com.
1
SPEAKER_04
Now have a great weekend.
1
SPEAKER_04
Get out there and connect and leave everyone better than you found them.
1
SPEAKER_00
Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
1
SPEAKER_01
They say if you do what you love, you never work a day in your life.
1
SPEAKER_01
But if you re an entrepreneur, you know the hard work that comes with it.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s why you need Kajabi.
1
SPEAKER_01
Kajabi makes it easy to run your entire online business from one platform so you can focus on what you love, creating.
1
SPEAKER_00
Kajabi is the ultimate all-in-one platform that helps creators and entrepreneurs build successful online businesses by unlocking predictable recurring revenue.
1
SPEAKER_01
No matter your niche, Kajabi makes it easy to turn your skills, passions, and experiences into enriching online courses, exclusive membership sites, subscription podcasts, thriving communities, personalized coaching, and more.
1
SPEAKER_00
The best part, Kajabi doesn t cut into your revenue because everything is owned and controlled by you.
1
SPEAKER_00
So keep 100% of what you earn.
1
SPEAKER_01
And with Kajabi, you also get robust analytics, easy payment options, email marketing tools, and customizable website templates, all built in.
1
SPEAKER_00
You don t even need a huge audience to make sustainable income.
1
SPEAKER_00
There are thousands of creators on Kajabi making six and seven figures with less than 50,000 followers.
1
SPEAKER_01
Right now, Kajabi is offering a free 30-day trial to start your business if you go to kajabi.com slash charm.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s K-A-J-A-B-I dot com slash charm.
1
SPEAKER_00
Go to kajabi.com slash charm and join the creators and entrepreneurs who have made over $7 billion.
1
SPEAKER_01
Hey, Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
1
SPEAKER_01
Winning is an everyday mindset, and Craig Robinson and John Calipari are here to help.
1
SPEAKER_01
On Ways to Win podcast, Craig and Coach Cal use their on-court wisdom to solve your off-court problems.
1
SPEAKER_01
Whether it s trouble at home or a workplace dilemma, the coaches will help you find a winning formula for success.
1
SPEAKER_01
You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
1
SPEAKER_01
And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
1
SPEAKER_01
Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
1
SPEAKER_03
Thanks for listening to the art of charm.
1
SPEAKER_03
Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and everything for the extraordinary man at theartofcharmpodcast.com.