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Welcome to the Art of Charm.
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I m your host, Jordan Harbinger.
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I m here with producer Jason DeFillippo.
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Here at the Art of Charm, we don t have all the answers, but we definitely have all the right questions, and today on Fan Mail Friday, those questions come from you.
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, Fan Mail Friday, well,
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I like it, and a lot of other people like it, but I ll tell you, we do a lot more longer format, a lot more in-depth interviews, so you can check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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That toolbox is where we ve got things like body language and nonverbal communication fundamentals, attraction, networking, negotiation, influence, persuasion, all the subjects we teach at our live programs at the Art of Charm, and of course, we can send some of that to your inbox if you text charmed,
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That s C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 3-3-4-4-4.
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That only works in the U.S.
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for now, but everywhere else you can go to theartofcharm.com.
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Alright, let s cut to it.
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I ve been listening to The Art of Charm for a few months now, and the fan mail Fridays are my favorites.
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I love hearing your no-nonsense feedback on everything from work to love advice.
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I m a fairly headstrong person, and I can generally self-diagnose my own BS pretty well, so I wouldn t normally ask for advice, but I ve been noticing a pattern that I m not super happy with and don t really know how to break it.
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Listening to you advise others has me thinking that you might be just the right person to ask.
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I m a fun, attractive 32-year-old woman who has never had trouble meeting men or making new friends of either gender.
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I left a 9-year relationship over 3 years ago, and I haven t felt the need to get back into another relationship since then.
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My focus has been on building my business and enjoying my life as myself.
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However, that doesn t mean that I never craved the attention of men.
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Aside from that one super long relationship, I ve never really had anything serious, although I ve had some incredible quote-unquote friends-with-benefits relationships.
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When I was younger, this worked out fabulously for everyone.
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When I met the first man I was interested in, post-commitment, it was actually his idea not to get serious.
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I thought it was perfect.
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Fast forward nine months, and everything fell apart, because while I was still happy with the way things were, he decided he wanted more from us.
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He never told me that and just ended things abruptly.
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We re still friends, but not nearly as close as we were.
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This happened with two other men in the past two years.
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They start out wanting to be just friends with a little something extra, but we became incredibly close and then they disappeared entirely because I m still not ready for a serious commitment and they want to take things to the next level.
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I hate this pattern because I always end up losing everything.
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A best friend who has grown to mean the world to me.
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I m not quite ready to welcome another person into my independence yet.
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I m building a business and have financial goals that I want to achieve before I bring another person into my life again, but I do crave that closeness with another person.
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I ve tried being just friends with men as well, but we never get as close.
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I have a great network of girlfriends that I m very close with as well, but it s simply different.
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I know it s not just that I haven t met the quote-unquote right person, because I would have done just about anything to maintain that first relationship if given the chance, even if a commitment wasn t my first choice.
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I realize this is a very long-winded question, but what do I do?
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I really like the structure of a no-strings-attached friendship-slash-relationship, but I m tired of losing my best friends.
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Thanks in advance, I m really interested in what you have to say.
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Signed, Unfriendzoned.
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is that Jason, she s like the female equivalent of a 32-year-old guy or a 28-year-old guy, right, who s kind of commitment-phobic and not sure and there s all these other goals going on and stuff.
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But I ll tell you what I would tell the same guys as well, which is that if you re not ready for a relationship, you re not ready, don t try to force it because that s just a disaster waiting to happen.
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I do think there s a little something
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I don t want to use the word suspicious, but something unusual going on here with a nine year relationship that wasn t committed and ended up not being very serious somehow.
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I mean, nine years is kind of by definition serious.
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I don t really care how close you think you are or aren t.
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but I get it.
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I get that you re not quite ready to welcome another person into your independence yet, and that might be something that you feel for a long, long time.
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The only thing that s really potentially an issue is if you want kids, because the clock is ticking on that.
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I know that s not something anybody wants to hear, but if you re not sure that you want kids, there s really no reason for you to rush this timeline at all.
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And if you do want kids,
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I would still warn you against rushing the timeline because that could only be bad.
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You don t want to end up in a situation where you end up with the wrong person and then you ve got to deal with them for the rest of your life or the rest of your kid s life as well.
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So that s not something you want to rush into.
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So I think you re doing it right.
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I think the reason that you feel like something is wrong is because other people are probably telling you that you need to get married and you need to have kids and da-da-da-da.
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If you like the structure of a no-strings-attached friendship or relationship,
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then it s fine.
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The problem is, yes, you re tired of losing your best friends, I get it, but that s because people over years and years change their mind about what they want.
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And if you re not changing your mind about what you want, that s okay.
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They re just not a good fit for you anymore, really, and it s a bummer.
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Yeah, you re losing your best friends because you don t want to take things to the next level, and they do.
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That s just kind of the way it goes.
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That happens with every relationship, no matter if it s friendship or intimate.
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There s really no clean solution to this problem because the only way to fix this would be to pretend you want to commit to somebody so that you don t lose them.
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And that s a terrible idea.
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So I don t think you re doing it wrong at all.
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I think it only feels that way because other people are putting pressure on you and then you re in turn putting pressure on yourself to do something that you already know you don t want to do.
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So I would say don t do it.
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Stick to your gut.
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You re doing what you want to do, and only time this calculation changes is if you want kids in the future and if you really feel like there is something missing.
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But from this note, it doesn t sound like you do.
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When you re in these relationships, though, I would say this is about checking in with your partner regularly.
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Most people don t really know what they want, especially men.
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We like the idea of friends with benefits, but then after a while, we catch feelings, and if you don t, then we feel rejected, and this goes both ways.
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I m sure there s plenty of ladies out there that feel the exact same thing, probably more so,
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because guys are so flaky and wishy-washy when it comes to commitment.
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So when they see a cutie pie like you who just wants friends with benefits, you know, we re gonna jump at the chance.
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Then we re gonna end up pining.
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And that s what you get for being so attractive.
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If you have goals you need to achieve first, that s cool.
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Just make sure those aren t a screen or excuse so that you don t get committed again because you re still feeling hurt from the last relationship.
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My gut here says you probably got some baggage from the last guy of nine years and you re afraid of being hurt again.
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So you re gonna keep all your men at arm s length, which ends up ruining the relationship eventually.
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And I m not saying for sure this is the case, because obviously I don t really know.
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That s just my spot read on your email here.
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Last but not least, I would suggest seeing a therapist or a counselor and wonder, figure out what the behavior is that led to that nine year saga that kept it going that long despite not being, I mean, that sounds almost like a nightmarish limbo.
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That s one of the key questions you need to ask yourself and get settled before you can get into a new relationship and make that work.
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Keep us posted, Heartbreaker.
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Next up.
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Hi, Jordan.
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I m a 22-year-old bartender living in New Zealand.
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I have a passion for beer brewing and also a passion for cooking, and the dream is to take these further into my own business.
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Here s the problem.
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I tend to come up with ideas and bounce from one to another on how to take my passion and make it into a business.
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My mom describes it like being a boomerang bouncing from one idea to the next, ultimately returning to where I started.
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She s pressuring me to pick up a solid career like working in IT or an office so that I can pay off my student loan and set myself up financially for the future.
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However, I don t want to bog myself down with years of dead-end jobs that do nothing for me except earn money.
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So I have a couple of questions.
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How do I know when I ve found the idea I should stick with and move it forward so it will actually come to fruition?
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And how do I deal with my mom pressuring me into an office job that I don t want to do?
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Thanks a lot, Boomerang Ben.
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All right, Boomerang Ben, this might not be an answer you d love, but here s the answer that I think is correct, in my opinion and in my experience.
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I think you need to take a job to make money because that s what you need to do right now.
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All you have right now are ideas, and ideas are relatively cheap.
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Don t get me wrong, I admire your passion to strike off on your own, but take the job,
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Put some time into some of your ideas and find out which ones you enjoy as well as which ones can support you while you re working at this job and stay at that job until one, just one idea is so profitable that you can afford to quit your day job and only focus on that idea.
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Right now, you just haven t earned the right
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to just go after whichever ideas you enjoy because you haven t built anything that can support you and you have no idea which idea will ever do that.
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And it s common for people to think they want to be an entrepreneur when really a lot of people just don t want to do a day job.
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And I m not saying that that s you.
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I mean, I m not trying to be insulting here, but I think a lot of people fall into that category.
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But you have to prove which one of these you are.
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Are you an entrepreneur or are you somebody who just doesn t want a day job?
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And you can prove that you re an entrepreneur
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by building something that supports you financially, and you can prove you re someone who just doesn t want a day job by daydreaming and talking about ideas and never taking action on them, and the choice is yours.
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But best of luck in whatever it is you decide to do, Ben, but I would say take that job, work at it, and let everything else happen organically while you re investing time.
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Otherwise, you re going to end up in financial straits and you re going to be stressed and it s going to
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to ruin any fun that you thought you were gonna have starting a business, let me tell you that.
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Alright, moving on.
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Hi Jordan, I have a question about using profanity.
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I grew up in a conservative Catholic household where I was almost never exposed to profanity, and to this day I never use it, beyond the word crap, when talking to other people.
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Honestly, it would feel a bit awkward for me to do so.
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But I m worried that this makes me come across as prudish and bland.
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While I don t think that constantly swearing like a sailor is desirable, it seems like an occasional swear could help me become more colorful when around other guys, more normal, and more likable.
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I feel weaker being around people who are using profanity when I never use any.
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Any thoughts on whether I should incorporate some stronger words in appropriate contexts, especially if the other person has a habit of using it themselves?
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Thanks for your amazing show, and I look forward to attending an in-person workshop someday soon.
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James.
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Hey James, I don t think you should change your values to be cool.
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I cringe even when I think about doing this as a little kid.
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I think it s especially true with a vice like swearing.
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Think about it this way.
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Would you smoke, drink, whatever, because other people did and you wanted them to like you?
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It sounds like the old parenting maxim, if everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you do it?
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But I think it rings true.
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People who hear you say things like, well, I frogged that up, instead of something more profane, they re just gonna assume you have kids or something and got rid of a habit.
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I mean, that s, I don t really care.
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I don t swear a lot either.
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Most of the time, and I think it makes me sound less intelligent when I do, so yeah, I say silly stuff, and sometimes people laugh, and they say, you just say frog that up, and it s not, they re not really laughing at me, and if they are, I guess I don t really care.
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I m not really sure how old you are, but at my age, age 36, if someone thought I was soft for not swearing, I would think that they were really immature, and probably some kind of asshat for making that judgment, so you really shouldn t care what other people think about this, but on that note,
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If people don t like you, this is not the reason why.
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So you gotta be sure, are you sure people don t like you and how do you know?
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That s what I would ask you.
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It s not because, it s definitely not because of your lack of profanity, that s almost certain.
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So I m not saying, I m not sure where I m reading between the lines here.
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If people don t like you, it s not because you don t swear and I wouldn t change your values so that people do like you, especially if it s just about profanity.
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Don t worry about it.
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I think it s a little bit silly, and I think people will forget about it soon after getting to know you.
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They probably won t even notice, to be honest.
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Hope that helps, James.
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Now, back to Fan Mail Friday.
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Greetings, Jordan, Jason, and AOC.
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First of all, I love the podcast and everything that you guys are doing at AOC.
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The show s enabled me to form new relationships, strengthen old ones, revamp some false and unhelpful mindsets, and even help me get my first corporate job.
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It s fantastic, and even my family have enjoyed some episodes on recent road trips.
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I d like your advice on the following situation.
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I ve known my best friend for 9 years, I ve known his girlfriend for about 9 months, and we ve all hung out regularly.
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He s 29, I m 27, and she s 23.
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She has a 14 month old daughter from her previous relationship which was 6 years long and not a great one.
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I hung out with my friend s girlfriend twice while he was out of town on a business trip.
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Two weeks ago, I was hanging out on a Saturday night with my best friend, his girlfriend, and one of her male friends for a little party.
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My friend and his girlfriend lived together, so they hosted the party.
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Once we were done eating, we proceeded to play some drinking games.
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It s important to state here that I was never more than buzzed at any point in the night.
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During the drinking games, I noticed my friend s girlfriend wink at me several times, which is something she never does, but she s kissed me on the cheek before, so I didn t think too much of it.
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Around midnight, my buddy went upstairs to bed, and his girlfriend elected to stay up with me and her friend while we watched something on Netflix.
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Shortly after the show began, she left to refill her drink.
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Upon returning, she sat down beside me and got way too close, put her hand on my thigh, and started kissing my shoulder.
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At this point, I realized she s coming on to me, but I politely refused, as I didn t wish to damage my friendship with my best friend.
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I also didn t want to be too harsh in refusing her, as she comes from a poor family background and has some self-esteem and anxiety issues.
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She became hesitant, but she eventually decided not to take no for an answer.
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She continued to pressure me for half an hour, continuing her invasion of my personal space.
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Eventually, I couldn t take it anymore, so I got up and went to the kitchen.
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She followed me a moment later.
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She continued her behavior for another 30 minutes, becoming more aggressive.
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She attempted to pull my head down to hers for a kiss and she said things like, just 30 seconds and we don t have to tell him, referring to my best friend.
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She also stated that she s wanted me sober before and that the alcohol had nothing to do with the whole situation.
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To quote her directly, you were there for me when no one else was, referring to when my friend was out of town for business.
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All of this, plus her insistence, wore down my self-control and my resolve to say no, and she eventually caught me in a moment of weakness and managed to kiss me.
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I pushed her away immediately, stating that this is over the line and we need to tell my friend what happened.
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She had no desire to, but I eventually convinced her to go up and talk to him.
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I waited, expecting my friend to come down and ask me about what happened, but he didn t, so I left.
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A few days later, I found out that they talked about what happened.
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My friend isn t mad at me, his girlfriend apologized for what she did, forgiveness was given, and we moved on, acting as if it didn t happen.
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How can I avoid having another such moment of weakness?
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I m concerned that this might happen again.
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My friend will have to leave town again for his job at some point, and his girlfriend doesn t have any other local friends or family besides me.
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She s promised to control herself in the future.
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However, based on what she said during the incident, she was in control of herself, and she knew perfectly well that what she was doing was wrong.
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I m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt for now, but I want to be prepared just in case this happens again.
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I also don t want to cut either of them out of my life, as he s a really good person and we get along very well, and she would be devastated if I did that.
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Any advice you can give me on this matter would be much appreciated.
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Thanks for your time, and I look forward to your advice and many more podcasts to come.
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Sincerely, Brandon.
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Hey Brandon, look, this is tough because you re in this weird rock and a hard place, but really it s not going to be that hard.
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This entire thing comes down to you.
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When you get uncomfortable in a situation, you leave.
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Your friend is a knucklehead for staying with her after this, by the way, in my opinion, but you owe it to him to tell him exactly what happened.
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You think someone who cheated on her boyfriend while he was upstairs went up there on your suggestion and then told him the truth?
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Dude, you re lying to yourself.
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If you hang out with her again while he s not there, you are letting this happen again.
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Just don t hang out with her again while he s gone.
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In fact, don t hang out with her again ever.
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There s no reason to.
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Your friend should know that you re looking out for him.
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If you are really his friend, you ll help him move on without this girl before she breaks his heart.
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It s only a matter of time here.
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And it seems like you guys are probably pretty young.
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There s some excuse processes happening here, like, well, you know, she kept persisting and blah, blah, blah.
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I mean, why was she even allowed to do that?
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You shouldn t have even been in the same area.
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And I think you know this, man.
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I m trying to be hard on you.
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I think you understand this.
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and I think you know that she s trouble and your friend and you, you just don t want drama and then you feel bad for her because you re a nice person, but you don t need to feel bad for somebody who s actively trying to destroy your relationship with your best friend.
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Look at it this way, if she were stealing from you, would you put up with it because she s
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trying to vandalize your most valuable relationship one of your most valuable relationships with you and your best friend she s basically taking spray paint and dog crap and just smearing it all over that would you would you put up with that if she were stealing from your house because she s stealing your relationship and and this sounds
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kind of like a weird, awkward analogy, but just think of it that way.
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Right now, you re not just putting up with bad or weird, mediocre, low-class behavior.
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You re putting up with somebody who is proactively trying to figure out, for whatever reason, how to ruin what you and your best friend have, and look, he s much more important than she is.
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And right now, you re more important to him than she is, too, and I think there s a clear choice here that you re gonna have to make, and it s not necessarily gonna be easy.
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Hope that helps, man.
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Let us know how it goes.
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My boss is a military ranger, is about to be my brother-in-law, and is definitely tough to work with sometimes.
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Having a military background, he s very intense and assertive, and I m much less confrontational.
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He frequently makes rash posts to our gym members on social media that are very harsh.
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When I brought up better ways of addressing members through social media or other platforms, he instantly shoots me down and says that, you have to tell it to them like it is, or they ll walk all over you.
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I have a background in public relations, and I can t tell you how frustrating it is to watch him ruin client relationships over simple Facebook posts.
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What are some things I can say to him to make him understand that his posts and attitude towards members is damaging?
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Thank you so much, and thank you for everything you do at The Art of Charm.
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Signed full-time and floundering.
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Hey full-time.
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Oh, this is so annoying for you.
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This is pure ego on his part I just I feel your pain here.
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He has a need to be right and we all know people like that He has a need to be right even at the cost of his own business.
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And I know I ve been there man.
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Definitely I still sometimes, you know, I m like on social media in the heat of the moment calling somebody a knucklehead on Twitter that doesn t need to happen and it s also happening because he s insecure and
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I wonder if he acts that way in person, or if he s just that tough guy over the internet.
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I m betting he does it online a lot more than he does it face-to-face.
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Again, he s got the need to be right, and it s obnoxious.
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And the attempt at justification, oh, you gotta tell people like it is, that s just a classic excuse justification process.
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You know those people who preface or postscript all of their general assholery with something like, well, I was just being honest, and if they can t take it, blah, blah, blah.
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these people are simply excusing bad behavior.
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Maybe see if you can track down the lost gym members or other activity that s harmful, and I bet if you can point out to him how needing to be right has cost his business 10 grand a year, he might start to see things differently, especially when you contrast it to the economic value of his being right, which is likely zero dollars, then I think that could start to change the equation here, depending on how rational
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his brain is capable of being when it comes to this stuff, because when we are emotional we make bad decisions, period.
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It is an emotional decision.
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So the logic I just mentioned, it might not be sufficient in itself.
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You ll probably have to use other means if he continues, and we can cross that bridge when we get to it.
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But I would start off by showing him what it s actually costing him dollar-wise.
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and letting him know that it really isn t doing him or his business any favors, that stuff s out there forever.
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And, man, it all comes down to ego, which is a huge bummer.
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Sucks to have your business running and being harmed by the ego of the employees, especially in something totally manageable like this.
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Hope that helps, and I hope you all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget, you can email us at friday at theartofcharm.com to get your questions answered on the air.
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A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at theartofcharm.com slash fmf81.
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Also, don t forget about the AOC challenge.
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Text charmed, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444 here in the states, or you can just go to theartofcharm.com.
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And we ll take you step-by-step on becoming better at making personal and professional connections, becoming a better networker, increasing personal social capital, your charisma, your magnetism, if you will.
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And it s for both guys and gals, so check that out.
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Text CHARMED, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444 here in the States, or anywhere else, go to theartofcharm.com.
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By the way, I m doing a lot of speaking these days, so if you want me to come and speak to your organization, or your company, etc., just reach out to me here.
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I m Jordan at TheArtOfCharm.com.
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Quick shoutout to Katie T. That s not her real name.
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She listens to AOC while trying to find a new home and launch a business while she raises her 11-month-old baby in a shelter for abused women.
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So yeah, next time you think your life is overwhelming, just remember Katie T. For what it s worth, AOC has your back, Katie.
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Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up, I ll shout you out.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com, including info on our live residential boot camps that we run every week here in Los Angeles.
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So if you really want to dig into this stuff and work on your AOC skills with us as your coaches, check out bootcamp.theartofcharm.com.
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Note the two dots in there.
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Now stay charming, get out there and connect, and leave everyone better than you.
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found them thanks for listening to the art of charm get more confidence relationship skills life hacks and more at the art of charm podcast.com