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I cannot believe that I m making this episode.
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I really can t believe it.
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When I deleted TikTok two or three years ago now, I truly believed in my core that I would never in a million years re-download the app.
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And now here I am re-downloading the app.
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I know.
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shocking to me, too.
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And I do feel a little bit hypocritical in a way because I made such a stink about deleting the app and damning it as as being evil.
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And there s a part of me that s a little uncomfortable with the decision I ve made to go back on the app.
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I feel maybe a little bit spineless, maybe a little bit irrational for initially
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deleting it and damning it to hell as I did.
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I feel a little bit embarrassed, I think, about sort of going back on my word, but I am.
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You know what?
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It might get banned next week anyway, and then it s all good.
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I guess I m not on TikTok anymore.
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I guess no one is, but as it stands now, TikTok still exists, and I will be redownloading it on my phone.
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In fact, I haven t redownloaded it yet, but I m going to redownload it right now, and I m going to do it with you
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here so we can share this moment together.
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It s on my phone again.
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What a weird feeling.
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Okay, so let s start from the beginning.
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Actually, let s discuss why I deleted TikTok in the first place, because I think it s important to go back down memory lane.
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So I was on TikTok, I think starting in like 2019.
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And I was initially hesitant to get on the platform because prior to it being TikTok, as we all know, it was Musical.ly, which was an app where people just lip synced to music.
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And I personally found that cringe.
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which in retrospect is mean.
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It s like, if people want to lip sync, people can lip sync.
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It s like, have fun, do whatever you want with your life and with your content.
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But, you know, as a moody 19 year old, I was like, no, that s cringe.
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Then Musically turned into TikTok and I was late to get on the platform because I was like, no, this is a, like, this is too cringe for me.
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I don t want to do this.
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But then eventually, you know, it became this,
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inevitable platform.
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It was like everybody was on TikTok, people were blowing up on TikTok, and it took on a new life.
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It was less about lip syncing and more just about short form video content, I guess.
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And I ironically ended up going on TikTok and making incredibly cringey videos.
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In 2020 when everybody was doing the dances, okay, it was like,
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The Renegade, it was like Doja Cat, Say So, Dancing.
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I did all of those.
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And wow, watching those back hurts my soul.
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Yep, that s a tough one.
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Very cringe.
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And my entire sort of TikTok experience from say 2019 to like
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2021.
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I don t remember exactly when I deleted it.
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I didn t really take TikTok very seriously.
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I didn t make high quality sort of content on there.
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I would dance a little bit.
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That was about it.
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I really didn t do much on TikTok because it wasn t really creatively inspiring to me.
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For a long time, I was only creatively inspired by long form video content, which, you know, YouTube videos.
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And so I preferred to put my elbow grease into those videos.
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And I was like, why would I put effort into TikTok?
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It just seems pointless to me.
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And I m not really inspired by it anyway.
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Like, I don t even know how I would up my game on TikTok.
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even if I wanted to, so this is just gonna remain a casual, non-important platform for me.
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So that was sort of my relationship to TikTok.
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If anything, the more significant piece of my relationship to TikTok was me consuming TikTok.
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I consumed TikTok far more than I created TikToks, right?
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And that very quickly became damaging for me.
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My algorithm, I swear to fucking God, became borderline evil, okay?
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I was getting videos constantly that were about me, sometimes positive and sometimes very negative.
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I was getting a lot of toxic content that I won t go into detail, but was very promotional of beauty standards in a way that was very toxic for my brain.
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And also I was just in general addicted to the short form content.
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Like I remember being at the gym and walking on the treadmill and just scrolling on TikTok for like 30 minutes.
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I remember
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laying in bed for five hours at the end of the day just watching TikToks.
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I was wasting an insane amount of time consuming content on there.
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And so it was sort of this double evil, it seemed.
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Like, not only was the content I was being fed toxic for my consumption, but also I was consuming unhealthy amounts of it, like extremely unhealthy amounts of it.
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And it wasn t like all the content was bad, like some stuff would make me laugh, some stuff would make me think, like, there was some good shit on there.
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And that s what kept me going.
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But I eventually got to a point where I was like, this app is ruining my life.
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I m rotting my brain on here.
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I m so addicted to it.
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And
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the type of content that I m being fed is just negative.
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It s negative.
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It went even beyond the content being mean about me or the content being about beauty standards.
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It was negative even beyond that, whether it was fear mongering or anxiety ridden sort of stories or opinions or conspiracies, sad videos, videos of people getting hurt.
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Like, I don t know, there was just, I felt like my algorithm was just feeding me
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shit constantly that was making my brain a poisonous place.
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And I think that s toxic on its own.
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But I also think being a public figure is even more challenging, maybe in some ways, existing on these platforms, because
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Yeah, it s just sort of open season, like people can make videos about you, comment on your shit freely, and you re gonna see it.
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And depending on the culture of the platform, that can get really bad.
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And at the time that I was on TikTok,
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The culture of TikTok seemed to be very toxic.
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Now, it s dumb and short-sighted to make a blanket statement about a platform like that because it s so big, it s bigger than all of us.
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It s like as big as the world.
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So depending on what algorithm you have and what corner of the internet you find yourself in, it can be completely different for you than it is to the next person.
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I was very short-sighted about it in the moment and believed that my experience was the only experience to have, you know, this sort of negative experience.
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And I just damned the platform to hell.
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I was like, I can t do this anymore.
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This is actually a source of evil.
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I must get off of it.
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But I also think too, I didn t really respect the platform as a whole.
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I think probably because societally it was frowned upon.
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social media in general is frowned upon in a lot of ways.
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Like being called a TikToker was not usually a positive description of a person, right?
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It didn t have an air of elegance, that s for sure.
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And I think that that made me sort of disrespect the platform in a way.
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I was like, nah, like, I don t fuck with this.
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Like, it s not cool.
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It s not, it s not elegant.
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It s not beautiful.
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It s not creative.
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It s just, it s just like a bunch of junk food.
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You know, that s sort of the way I looked at it, even though I knew of TikTokers,
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And I had seen many TikToks that were incredibly creative and incredibly cool.
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But the platform as a whole to me had a bad taste in my mouth.
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I think because of the way that societally we tend to look down upon platforms when they re developing.
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It sort of reminds me of YouTube.
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When I first started YouTube, being a YouTuber was not cool.
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It was starting to be cool, but it was not quite cool yet.
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Like it was still kind of embarrassing.
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And it was not something that was considered elevated or elegant.
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It was very, it felt like junk food.
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You know, what was more respected was to be a singer or an actress or a fashion designer, like all of these
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jobs that are in the public eye that have history are the ones that are considered to be elevated, right?
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Whereas being a YouTuber, it s like, what the fuck are you doing?
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This is not art.
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This is not creative.
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This is not valid entertainment.
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This is just junk.
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And then slowly but surely, as, you know, YouTube became more of a fundamental part of our everyday lives, we all grew respect for it.
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And now being a YouTuber is not really frowned upon
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as much anymore.
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There s a lot more respect to that.
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And I think the same thing s happening with TikTok where it s like, okay, well now it s such a fundamental part of our day to day lives.
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It s harder to not put it up on a pedestal in a way.
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But at the time that I was on TikTok a few years ago, it still was not, it was very much not a platform that had a lot of respect, I would say.
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at least in my circles or in my world.
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And so that also made me sort of excited to get off of it.
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I felt like it was cooler to not be on it.
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It was being ahead of the curve to not be on it.
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And I also think, you know, my final sort of feeling about TikTok at that time was that
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I was very against short form content.
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I had built my career on YouTube, which is longer form content, you know, usually 10 minutes or longer.
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And to me, short form content was like pointless.
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I was like, what are you going to, what kind of story are you going to be able to tell in one minute?
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How are you going to connect with an audience in any way in one minute?
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It just to me felt pointless, which I ve changed my opinion since, but that was the way that I felt at the time.
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So that s why I initially left.
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It was this
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clusterfuck of all of these different negative opinions and feelings about TikTok.
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But I think it came at a complicated time as well because I was also struggling with my career on social media in general, I think.
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And I have been for years because I sort of had this golden era where it was easy for me.
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You know, I was young, I was excited,
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And things weren t really big yet.
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Nobody really knew me.
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Like it was still really small.
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And it was such a different time for me to be creating content because there wasn t as much pressure.
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I wasn t overthinking anything.
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The negativity hadn t really started to roll in yet because I was still sort of under the radar.
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And in the beginning, you don t really get any hate or scrutiny or anything.
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you re able to get away with having it as a career and not getting that sort of backlash, I guess.
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But once you reach a certain point and you re visible enough, that inevitably comes.
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And I think the second that it became really real that I was a public figure and this is something that I m doing that s working and this is real, I think it inevitably fucked with my head in
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numerous ways.
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Number one, I got into this sort of content hamster wheel where it was like, I need to film everything.
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I need to take pictures of everything.
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I need to document everything.
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And I need to post as much fucking content as I possibly can.
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Now, the problem with that was it was so extreme and it was so all consuming that I did not have a life outside of the internet.
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It felt like I didn t have an identity outside of the internet.
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It felt like.
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I lost myself in being a public figure in a way, and it misaligned my chakras in a way.
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Like, you know, like it was not healthy for me.
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I did not have a social media life balance at all.
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And I was sort of addicted to the hamster wheel in a way.
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And it was detrimental for me because it was slowly but surely making me really unhappy and depressed.
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And I felt like, well, what s the point of my life if all of it is just online?
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Like I don t even have a real life.
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What is my real life?
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Who am I?
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What is my real identity?
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And being somebody who gets depressed, that made me kind of depressed.
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Okay.
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Understandably so.
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Right.
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It s like,
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I started to develop this sort of nihilism that like my life doesn t exist in a way outside of the Internet.
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My identity doesn t exist outside of the Internet.
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Without it, I don t even know what I am, who I am.
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So why the fuck am I even here?
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What s the point of that?
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I don t get any of it to myself.
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I almost feel like I was abusing myself in a way.
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not allowing myself to have anything to myself.
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And all of that gave me sort of a depressive identity crisis.
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And that was a really big challenge for me for a long time, for the last few years, really.
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It s been a really challenging thing to figure out, like, how do I strike this balance that allows me to maintain a level of
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sanity, I guess, you know, because I don t want to stop.
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But I also can t keep going on like this because it s not working for me psychologically.
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Like, I cannot maintain this lifestyle of filming and taking photos of absolutely every single thing that I do.
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I also think that as I started to grow up, I started to develop these sort of limiting beliefs about what my content on the Internet should be.
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And I think a lot of this stems from my own imposter syndrome, you know, feeling like I don t deserve the career that I have.
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I don t deserve the recognition that I have.
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I don t deserve the people who support me because I m not doing enough.
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You know, I like, what the fuck am I doing?
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I m just talking and hanging out on the internet.
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I m not a doctor.
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I m not, you know, a therapist.
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I m not, what am I?
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I m just a normal person just posting on the internet.
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I started to struggle with that reality and I started to feel like, Oh, I need to be doing more than I need to make things more impactful.
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I can t make something that serves no purpose.
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In retrospect, I understand that entertainment is entertainment and having a virtual friend is incredibly powerful.
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I now, in retrospect, understand that I didn t need to be doing more and that that was my imposter syndrome.
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getting the best of me.
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But in the moment it was like, no, I need to make my videos more creative and I need to make my podcast more insightful and I need to do all of these things and I need to make my Instagram more, you know, like I need to be more creative and come up with, you know, cooler concepts for Instagram posts and things like this.
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I started to take it so seriously.
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And it ended up sort of paralyzing me in a way where I was, I constantly felt like the content I was creating wasn t enough.
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It wasn t creative enough.
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It wasn t impactful enough.
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It wasn t cool enough.
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It wasn t inspiring enough.
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And I lost track of why I even like doing this.
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It s because I like talking to people about God knows what, and it doesn t fucking matter what it is.
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But I lost track of that, trying to give what I m doing more purpose.
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But it s like,
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No, if anything, ironically, that was actually giving it less purpose.
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It lost its purpose in that pursuit of trying to deepen things.
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Ironically, it made things even less deep and it made things actually less impactful, I think, as well.
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But I also think that something that came with
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it becoming a reality that I m a public figure was this newfound fear of scrutiny.
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Sort of this fear of cancel culture, I think, because to be a public figure is to at times be burned at the stake.
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And sometimes it s for decent enough reason.
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Sometimes it s blown out of proportion, probably beyond what it needed to be.
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Sometimes not, though.
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Sometimes it s fair.
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So I won t take that away from cancel culture.
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You know, there are moments when
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maybe this person isn t so good and maybe we should not, you know, be consuming content from them.
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Fair enough.
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Sometimes things are taken too far, and maybe somebody did make a mistake, but their punishment doesn t seem to match their offense at times.
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That absolutely happens.
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Sometimes something completely fabricated, it can be completely false, and somebody can get canceled based on something that is not even real.
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But with all things that were created for a progressive reason, a good reason, such as cancel culture, it can sometimes maybe overcorrect in a way at times.
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We did get to a point where that was the case in some scenarios, right?
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And I think that that incited a lot of fear in me, not because I am hiding something, but because I started to feel like, okay, I really cannot make any mistake because anything and everything will be blown out of proportion, twisted, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah.
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It s the name of the game now.
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It s different.
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There s less room, I think, for forgiveness now than there once was.
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I felt that way.
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And that really fucked with my head.
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And I m not complaining.
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I m not the victim of this.
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OK, like this is I m not trying to like scream and cry and call myself a victim.
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I m just stating the facts here.
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It was really frightening for me.
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And it s still really frightening for me.
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And it prevented me from wanting to say anything.
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I didn t want to say anything because I was so afraid of like, can I make fun of myself even?
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I don t know where the line is.
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I sort of became like my own publicist in a way where it was like, Oh, well, I can t say that because if I say that, then it ll be turned into this.
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Like, and it was irrational because it s like the things that I was, I was censoring myself to a level and I have been censoring myself to a level
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that is just unnecessary.
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It s like, you got to say something.
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But I ve been so afraid for the last few years to fully
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fully just be free and feel free because of the tense nature of the internet and the hunger for drama and for character assassination when it comes to public figures that it s just been a scary time to be on the internet for me.
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And yeah, that s just been something that s been very overwhelming for me.
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But I think last but not least, I was surrounding myself with certain people.
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who were not conducive to me not only being myself, but also pursuing the career that I ve worked hard to build.
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because I had some people around me for a period of time that number one, did not like me for me.
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Okay.
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I have a very, you know, loud at times, not as much anymore, but still I can be loud and talkative and outgoing and silly and,
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Okay, that s great.
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Good for me.
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Yay.
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But there were people around me who did not like my soul.
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People who were very close to me, right?
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And when you have people like that very close to you in your close circle, who don t like you when you re being your truest self, it s incredibly damaging.
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And I loved
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these people who did not like me for who I was so much that I was like, you know what?
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I d rather change myself in a way and mold to fit what they want me to be instead of just saying, take what you get.
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or get out, you know, like you get what you get and you don t be upset.
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I didn t have that mindset.
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I was like, no, I love these people so much.
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I want them to be in my life.
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And, and they don t like when I m really outgoing.
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They don t like when I m having fun, they think it s annoying.
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So I became a shell of a person for a long time.
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And that s happening at the same time as all these other challenges, right?
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There s people in my life who just do not love me for who I am.
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And that makes you overthink every single thing that you do.
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How the fuck are you supposed to turn on a camera or turn on a microphone and be yourself when there are people at home, people in your world, people in your circle who do not like you for you.
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There s already a fuck ton of that on the internet.
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Okay.
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I got enough of that on the internet.
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People who think I m annoying, people who think,
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who don t agree with, I don t know, like what I think about fashion or people who don t, who think I m ugly or like, it doesn t matter, but it s like, there are enough people who do not like me.
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That is an inevitable part about being a public figure on the internet.
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But to have one of those people sneakily in your orbit, in your personal orbit, absolutely not.
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And that s what I had.
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I had that for a long time.
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And you know what?
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It was more than that.
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It was also people who did not respect my career, who did not respect YouTube, who did not respect having a podcast, who did not respect, you know, being on TikTok, being on Instagram, who thought that that stuff wasn t cool.
2
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People who thought that that wasn t cool.
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SPEAKER_00
It s cooler to reject all that.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I understand that and I agree with that to an extent.
2
SPEAKER_00
I do believe that like it can be fucking badass and healthy and awesome to not be on social media, but it s also like social media is my medium for doing what I m passionate about, which is fucking talking to people.
2
SPEAKER_00
Where the hell else am I supposed to do it?
2
SPEAKER_00
So I had the wrong people around me as well.
2
SPEAKER_00
And it was really at a bad time.
2
SPEAKER_00
And it was sort of like this catch 22 where it was like having this sort of identity crisis and fear surrounding my career on the internet was bringing me down.
2
SPEAKER_00
But it was frustrating to me because it was like, God, I need to be doing more, but like, I just can t, like I have a mental block.
2
SPEAKER_00
And that made me overall a shell of a person, right?
2
SPEAKER_00
Like that sort of dilemma, that challenge,
2
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being like, I want to post, I want to be present, I want to be doing all this, but it s just like, I don t know how to make it feel right.
2
SPEAKER_00
That made me very sad in a shell of a person.
2
SPEAKER_00
But then on the other side of things, my personal life, the people that I was surrounding myself with were also turning me into a fucking shell of a person.
2
SPEAKER_00
So now we have me even more of a shell of a person.
2
SPEAKER_00
I can t go and address my identity crisis and my fear of the internet when I have people who do not love me for me and who do not fully support me.
2
SPEAKER_00
I can t do that.
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SPEAKER_00
I can t address that.
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SPEAKER_00
But then I also was struggling to address the people in my life who were bringing me down because it was like, I don t have the strength to go do that because I m so weak from, from feeling unfulfilled by my career and, and not understanding how to like get it to a place that feels good.
2
SPEAKER_00
So it was sort of this thing where it was like, I could not fucking get myself out of it.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I tried different things.
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SPEAKER_00
I tried so many things.
2
SPEAKER_00
I tried a thousand things.
2
SPEAKER_00
And it s been a really big challenge for me.
2
SPEAKER_00
And it s taken a lot of time.
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SPEAKER_00
And for fuck s sake, is there a pressure when you have a career on the internet to not take your time?
2
SPEAKER_00
Like there s a fire under the ass of all who are public figures to never disappear, to never be confused, to never make mistakes, to never like have a moment where you re not feeding the beast that is the internet.
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You know what I mean?
2
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the beautiful beast, shall I say, but the beast.
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SPEAKER_00
Now I broke the cycle mainly by shedding the people who, that was the first step I think for me was shedding people in my life that did not truly support me.
2
SPEAKER_00
Shed people who judged me, who made me feel uncertain in what I m doing.
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and not for a good reason, like not for like a valid reason.
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SPEAKER_00
Like it s one thing if somebody in your life is like, yeah, maybe you shouldn t do something like that because it s damaging to you or it s damaging to others or it s or it s disrespectful or something like, yeah, that s one thing.
2
SPEAKER_00
But if what you re doing is harmless and you enjoy doing it and someone s judging you for that, that s not somebody that you should have around.
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SPEAKER_00
Nope.
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No.
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And it really started with getting rid of that energy out of my life and replacing that energy with people who genuinely respect me and respect what I do.
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SPEAKER_00
I m like choked up thinking about it because all it takes is like one or two bad apples
2
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to fuck with your head and and make you turn you into a shell of a person, make you insecure, make you.
2
SPEAKER_00
You cannot have people in your fucking direct orbit who do not believe in you, who do not respect you, who judge you.
2
SPEAKER_00
You cannot have people like that around you.
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And you can love them, but it doesn t matter.
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It will ruin you.
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And it ruined me for a long time.
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And I didn t even realize it was happening.
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As with most things, you don t realize it till it s gone.
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I also think that I m somebody who tends to make final decisions.
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Okay.
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Like when I end a relationship, for example, platonic or romantic, I like that decision to be final.
2
SPEAKER_00
No take backs.
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SPEAKER_00
It s done.
2
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when I, you know, say, okay, I m, I m no longer going to go out on the weekdays.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
2
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That is a choice that I m making no exceptions.
2
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I m very final with my choices because for me, it simplifies things a little bit.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s like now I m clearing up more brain space to sort of figure out more important things.
2
SPEAKER_00
If I have a sort of like a half choice that I made lingering in my,
2
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peripheral, it will clutter my brain.
2
SPEAKER_00
I can t handle it.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I did that with TikTok.
2
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I was like, I m deleting this and I m never fucking redownloading it.
2
SPEAKER_00
And this does not exist in my world anymore.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m done.
2
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And I made this very final decision because that s how I tend to do things.
2
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Now I m working on that because I ve noticed that a decision can be final for now, right?
2
SPEAKER_00
You can say for the indefinite future, this is a final decision, but if my mind changes down the line, that s okay.
2
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That s not a failure.
2
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There s nothing wrong with that.
2
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But I think that my problem has been sort of my stubbornness about the finality of things.
2
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And I think that that s why I ve refused to even analyze, like, hey, is there a world where I go back on TikTok?
2
SPEAKER_00
Maybe the issue was not TikTok as the platform and there was an issue with me personally and the way that I was using the platform.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like, I refused to even look there because I was like, no, I m done.
2
SPEAKER_00
I made my decision and I m done.
2
SPEAKER_00
But more recently, I ve become more intrigued with short form content because I ve been consuming a lot of it because I watch reels and YouTube shorts.
2
SPEAKER_00
I don t watch TikTok exactly, but I watch things that are quite literally reposted from TikTok to other platforms.
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I m very much.
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consuming TikTok like content.
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And I ve recently sort of had this inspiration, like, you know, I kind of want to make short form content.
2
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And I was like, maybe I ll dabble in that.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like that could be something that could be fun for me for many reasons.
2
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But I was like, but I won t go back on TikTok because I ve made that decision and I m never going back.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I felt that way for a long time until I sort of had an epiphany a few days ago where I was like, you know what, fuck that.
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Fuck that, okay?
3
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If I want to make short-form content, because that s something I genuinely am interested in doing and I think it would be fun for me, and I have some ideas that are like maybe, you know, that feel exciting to me, if that s something that is intriguing me and I want to start dedicating time to that in my life, it s just stupid not to involve the largest short-form content platform that exists.
3
SPEAKER_00
So I ve decided that I m going back to TikTok.
3
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why I want to come back.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
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Number one, I think I ve solved or gotten really close to solving a lot of my prior issues with social media.
3
SPEAKER_00
I ve already sort of touched on this, but number one, I feel far more solid in my identity as I ve grown up and stabilized.
3
SPEAKER_00
I started on the internet at age 16 and I m 22 now.
3
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And from ages like 16 to 20,
3
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There was so much growing going on.
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I was a mess as we all are in that time.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s so turbulent.
3
SPEAKER_00
There s so many changes.
3
SPEAKER_00
There are so many epiphanies.
3
SPEAKER_00
There are so many morphing opinions and morphing beliefs and morphing like morals and values.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it s all happening so fast and it s overwhelming as it is, but then to do it in the public eye is even harder.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think now I m still very young and there s still a lot of learning to do for me, but I m so much more stable in my identity and who I am online and offline, which is pretty much the same for the most part.
3
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But I feel comfortable with that.
3
SPEAKER_00
Things have settled down.
3
SPEAKER_00
Things have stabilized.
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I think that that just comes with age and maturity.
3
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Number two, I m really practicing maintaining a healthy social media life, real life balance.
3
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I do not have it perfectly figured out.
3
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I literally just made an episode a few weeks ago about how I do not have it figured out.
3
SPEAKER_00
However, because it s something that I m so actively working on and for the last two weeks or so, I ve been doing pretty fucking good about it.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m confident that going back on TikTok will not just derail me completely.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like I used to have a terrible balance when it came to consuming that content and I think it ll be fine.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then also, you know,
3
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I have a better understanding of how to balance what I film and what I keep to myself.
3
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That s just gotten easier for me over the years as I ve gotten off of the hamster wheel and set myself free from feeling like I need to film and document every single thing that fucking happens to me in my life.
3
SPEAKER_00
I broke that cycle.
3
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I m free from that cycle.
3
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So I feel confident that I won t
3
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fall back into it from making TikToks.
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Like I think it s fucking fine.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s all good.
3
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I m also not as afraid of scrutiny anymore.
3
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And I think because number one, I ve worked so hard over the past few years to truly become the best person I can be at times to a point that s almost damaging for myself because it s like perfectionism to a point that is debilitating.
3
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That s something I m working on, sort of figuring out the opposite extreme.
3
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But I know that I m a good person.
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And if people scrutinize me, they hate me, they don t like what I said, they don t like how I look, they don t like what I m wearing, they think that I m annoying, they think I m dumb, they think I m a bad person, they think I m this, they think I m that.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m at a place now where I know that I m a good fucking person.
3
SPEAKER_00
Have I made mistakes in my life?
3
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Absolutely.
3
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As we all have.
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SPEAKER_00
Blah, blah, blah.
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What everybody always fucking says.
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SPEAKER_00
I ve made mistakes.
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I ll continue to make mistakes.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m not fucking perfect.
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However, I know there is not a cell in my body that has a doubt about whether or not I m a good person.
3
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I know I am.
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And the only way that you can survive being on the internet in a healthy way is to come to that conclusion.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like that must be who you are.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it cannot be a facade.
3
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It never was.
3
SPEAKER_00
But I feel like it was never as much of a priority for me.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like, am I really a really good person?
3
SPEAKER_00
What does that mean?
3
SPEAKER_00
How can I be that?
3
SPEAKER_00
When I was younger, I didn t focus on that as much.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, it wasn t like actively a part of my thought process.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like I was far more concerned about other things.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like how do I look cool at school?
3
SPEAKER_00
How do I get good grades and get into a good college for honestly bragging rights?
3
SPEAKER_00
Like, you know, shit like that.
3
SPEAKER_00
Much more surface level, much more juvenile.
3
SPEAKER_00
far less spiritually fulfilling.
3
SPEAKER_00
But, you know, we all have to go through that phase at some point in our lives.
3
SPEAKER_00
I know that I m a good person.
3
SPEAKER_00
And also there are people in my life, again, I ve shed the people who did not believe in me, who judged me, who made me feel
3
SPEAKER_00
bad about being myself, and I ve replaced those people with people who fucking root for me.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I ve strengthened relationships with people who have always rooted for me.
3
SPEAKER_00
I ve sort of figured out what that looks like, what that feels like in my life, and that has set me free.
3
SPEAKER_00
I am not afraid of scrutiny on the internet anymore.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m fucking sick of it.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I m not sick of it when I say I m sick of it in an angry tone.
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SPEAKER_00
I m not talking to the internet.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m not even talking to the people who say mean shit about me because that s par for the course.
3
SPEAKER_00
That is a part of this job.
3
SPEAKER_00
That is a part of what doing this is.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m mad at myself.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m mad at myself for letting it get to me.
3
SPEAKER_00
But also I can t be mad at myself because it was just a part of my journey.
3
SPEAKER_00
But
3
SPEAKER_00
I m not afraid anymore.
3
SPEAKER_00
Listen, I m talking about this like I m about to start fucking like saying like crazy controversial shit.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s not even that.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s that I was afraid of saying anything.
3
SPEAKER_00
I was afraid of existing online.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, like it was just merely existing, showing my personality at all, showing my sense of humor at all.
3
SPEAKER_00
I was afraid of all of that.
3
SPEAKER_00
Right.
3
SPEAKER_00
Also, I m really trying to drop all of my limiting beliefs about
3
SPEAKER_00
what it means to make good content, what platforms are good and what platforms are bad, and what makes for a respectable career, and what makes for respectable content.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m trying to drop all of that because I think all of that is ultimately limiting.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think that it is good to be analytical and critical of your own content because, you know, especially if it s something that you do as your job, you should be analytical and critical, but in ways that are
3
SPEAKER_00
constructive.
3
SPEAKER_00
Believing that a platform is inherently cringe or bad or whatever is sort of ridiculous, I think.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I ve definitely had my experience with those feelings.
3
SPEAKER_00
Content doesn t have to be this highbrow sort of thing all the time.
3
SPEAKER_00
It shouldn t be.
3
SPEAKER_00
In fact, it should be fucking fun.
3
SPEAKER_00
It should be fun and it should be entertaining.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s it.
3
SPEAKER_00
It should be fun for me to make and it should be fun to watch.
3
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That s all that fucking matters.
3
SPEAKER_00
It doesn t need to be some sort of life-changing sort of thing for every person who watches.
3
SPEAKER_00
Or maybe it is life-changing in some ways, but it s not in an obvious way.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s not in the way that maybe music impacts people.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s in a different way.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s in a more modern way that didn t exist
3
SPEAKER_00
years ago, but there s still value to it.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I also think that social media is what you make of it.
3
SPEAKER_00
TikTok is what you make of it.
3
SPEAKER_00
There are negative parts of TikTok.
3
SPEAKER_00
There are also negative parts about Instagram.
3
SPEAKER_00
There are also negative parts about YouTube.
3
SPEAKER_00
There are also negative parts about Twitter, and there are also negative parts about threads.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t, I m not on threads, but I bet there are negative parts about that.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_00
There are negative parts about Twitch.
3
SPEAKER_00
There are negative parts about fucking Reddit.
3
SPEAKER_00
That place scares me.
3
SPEAKER_00
But with all of these platforms as well, there s positive.
3
SPEAKER_00
There absolutely is positive.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it is up to me to decide how I want to look at these platforms.
3
SPEAKER_00
Do I want to choose to see them for only their negative?
3
SPEAKER_00
Where does that get me?
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, I think I need to change my lens a little bit the way that I view social media and say, yeah, these things are dangerous in some ways.
3
SPEAKER_00
They re damaging in some ways.
3
SPEAKER_00
but also they are the tool for me to do what I m passionate about, which is talk to people and hang out with people and discuss things that excite me and things that I m struggling with.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is my canvas in a way, and I must make the decision.
3
SPEAKER_00
to see these platforms in at least somewhat of a positive light or ideally in a neutral light because that s the light that they should be viewed in.
3
SPEAKER_00
Blaming TikTok or any sort of platform is not taking responsibility for our decisions and choices as adults.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m an adult.
3
SPEAKER_00
If
3
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using these platforms in certain ways hurts me, then I need to not use them in that way.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s my job to figure out how to use them in a way that works for me.
3
SPEAKER_00
And the only person responsible for that is me.
3
SPEAKER_00
So that s been an important, you know, conclusion for me to come to.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I think, you know what?
3
SPEAKER_00
This shit s fun.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like, TikTok was fun.
3
SPEAKER_00
When I used to be on TikTok, before it got kind of toxic for me, it actually was kind of fun.
3
SPEAKER_00
I didn t take it seriously, but it was fun.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m excited now, though, to get back on it and try it again.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think it s gonna be fun.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I know that a lot of you are probably thinking right now, you re such a freak, Emma, you just made a fucking hour-long episode about TikTok, and you going back on it?
3
SPEAKER_00
Like, it s not that deep?
3
SPEAKER_00
I get it, it s not that deep.
3
SPEAKER_00
But it kind of is that deep for me, a little bit.
4
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Because, I don t know, I think I m just somebody that tends to make everything deep.
4
SPEAKER_00
sometimes to a fault.
4
SPEAKER_00
But anyway, I m excited to be back on TikTok.
4
SPEAKER_00
I have sort of this excitement around being on social media in general.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I think short form content is fun and it s inspiring to me right now.
4
SPEAKER_00
I also love long form content too.
4
SPEAKER_00
I ve been editing this one fashion week video for literally a month now, but I had five hours of footage.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s just taking me, it s like so fucking long that it s taking me a month to edit, but I m excited about,
4
SPEAKER_00
all these things.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m excited to be on the internet again.
4
SPEAKER_00
And you know, it s been a fucking journey and it s been so turbulent for me, but I m proud to say that I ve done, I think that I ve done the work in a way to hopefully get to a place eventually where like, this is just all positive for me.
4
SPEAKER_00
I mean, nothing s ever going to be all positive, but
4
SPEAKER_00
I m keeping it together.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m keeping it together.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I m really determined to find the way to do it in a healthy way.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I love you all.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I am so grateful that you ve all sort of stuck with me through these many years of somewhat turbulent times.
4
SPEAKER_00
There s been a lot of fun times too, but a lot of turbulent times.
4
SPEAKER_00
And, you know, I ve spent easily half of my career thus far
4
SPEAKER_00
battling this complicated relationship with arguably my canvas, which is social media.
4
SPEAKER_00
You know, I, I ve spent so much time struggling with my relationship with it and that s no one s job to deal with, but mine.
4
SPEAKER_00
But you know, there ve been a lot of you who have stuck with me through it and I m so grateful for that.
4
SPEAKER_00
Truly, truly, truly more than you know,
4
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I m just very grateful for you all for hanging out with me for so many years now.
4
SPEAKER_00
And hopefully you love my TikToks.
4
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So go follow me on TikTok now.
4
SPEAKER_00
Love you.
4
SPEAKER_00
Thank you for everything.
4
SPEAKER_00
Go follow me on TikTok.
4
SPEAKER_00
No, I m fucking, I m so kidding.
4
SPEAKER_00
But yeah, I m excited.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m excited and I m feeling inspired and I m feeling really good.
4
SPEAKER_00
And hopefully, no, you know, not hopefully, I was going to say, and hopefully it lasts.
4
SPEAKER_00
It will last.
4
SPEAKER_00
Although if it doesn t and I end up getting like emo again, you can say I told you so.
4
SPEAKER_00
But I really, my fingers crossed that I m starting to reach social media nirvana.
4
SPEAKER_00
Okay, I have to go now.
4
SPEAKER_00
I love you all.
4
SPEAKER_00
I appreciate you all.
4
SPEAKER_00
Thank you all for listening and supporting me in all the ways that you do.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m so fucking grateful.
4
SPEAKER_00
Listen, new episodes of Anything Goes, Thursdays, Sundays, anywhere that you stream podcasts.
4
SPEAKER_00
All the video is exclusive to Spotify.
4
SPEAKER_00
You can check me out on Instagram at Emma Chamberlain.
4
SPEAKER_00
Check out my coffee company at Chamberlain Coffee.
4
SPEAKER_00
We have coffee.
4
SPEAKER_00
We have matcha.
4
SPEAKER_00
We have cute accessories.
4
SPEAKER_00
We have canned lattes.
4
SPEAKER_00
You can find us in a store near you or order online.
4
SPEAKER_00
ChamberlainCoffee.com and it will come straight to your door.
4
SPEAKER_00
That s all I have for today.
4
SPEAKER_00
See you all on the fucking Internet, baby.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh, my God.
4
SPEAKER_00
See you all on the Internet.
4
SPEAKER_00
OK, love you.
4
SPEAKER_00
Talk to you soon.
4
SPEAKER_00
Bye.