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Welcome to The Art of Charm.
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I m your host, Jordan Harbinger.
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I m here with producer Jason DeFilippo.
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Here at The Art of Charm, we may not have all the answers, but we definitely have all the right questions.
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Today on Fan Mail Friday, those questions come from you.
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If you re new to The Art of Charm podcast, Fan Mail Friday isn t a great place to start.
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Most of our content is more in-depth and longer format, so check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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That s where we ve got fundamentals of body language, nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, influence, persuasion, and everything else we teach here at The Art of Charm.
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We ll send all this to your inbox if you text CHARMED, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D, to 33444 here in the USA.
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Or, if you re not, go to theartofcharm.com.
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Alright, let s cut to it.
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Hey Jordan, first off, thank you for everything you do.
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I ve been a huge fan for about a year now, and I ve gained a ton of insight on myself as well as others in my work and personal life.
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Alas, here I am writing to you about one of the most common topics.
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Here s what s going on.
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My wife and I took a break a few months ago.
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She was fine with our relationship, but I wasn t happy.
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Our sex life had diminished once every month or two, which is mostly due to her antidepressants that she s been on for about 15 years.
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During the short break, I met someone.
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I wasn t looking for it, but it just sort of happened.
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I regrettably spent some time with her, and she s amazing.
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Now my wife wants to get together, make things work, and see a counselor.
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I want to make things work, but now that I met this other person, I find myself picking out and bringing up all the things my wife has done wrong in our relationship.
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I can t stop thinking about this other person, and I know that it s infatuation, but now I can t help but to see all of the flaws in the relationship with my wife.
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Do you have any advice?
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When we took a break, we had a huge fight and I mentioned divorce.
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I haven t been happy for a while and we are very different people.
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I feel responsible for her and if this led to a divorce, she would have nothing and it would be extremely tough for her and for me to do that to her.
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Are we done or should I be kicking these thoughts to the curb?
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Thank you for any thoughts.
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Sincerely, Dazed and Confused.
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Hey, dazed and confused.
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There s a lot going on here, but off the top of my head, it seems like you re not really willing to work things out, which is fine, but you feel really guilty about it.
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That s not really a great foundation for a relationship.
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I would ask before I can really dive into something like this, and these are things you need to think about and get straight as well.
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First of all, how long have you been married?
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Do you have kids?
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How long was the break that you took?
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Were you ever happy with your wife?
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That s a very important question.
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Were you ever happy together?
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And if so, for how long?
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What do you see and how do you feel when you look at your future with your wife?
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Leave the other woman out of this for now.
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She s only going to cloud the decision making process.
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But think about these questions because these answers are what s going to dictate what your next move should be.
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All right.
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Next question.
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I listened to episode 499 on boundary setting, which was another great episode with Kimberly Seltzer, and I can t wait to hear more on this topic.
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Specifically, I think an interesting conversation would be about how to recognize which boundaries are reasonable to have and which ones aren t.
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How can you tell when you re too closed off and have too many boundaries?
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Y all talked about giving way too much too soon, which is me, but what about having so many boundaries you become that super annoying person in the room?
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Seeing the other side of it would help because I ve been thinking that I was doing too little.
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I wonder if other female listeners have a similar question on their minds.
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Thanks, Shiv.
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Hey Shiv, interesting question.
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I m not totally sure if there is such a thing as too many boundaries.
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I think boundaries
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Actually maybe buffered by vulnerability are you unwilling to open up to people do people find it hard to get to know you what kind of boundaries are you putting up boundaries are the same as emotional walls are not letting anyone get close to you boundaries are essentially creating a space where other people respect.
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what you need in your own personal space, your own emotional space, your own psychological space, your own relationship space.
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That s what the boundaries are.
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But the second they hinder relationships because you re not opening up to people, it s really just you being closed off, walled off, maybe a form of self-defense.
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So you really got to think about what the boundaries are doing, what problems they might be causing or solving in your life.
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Then you ll be able to figure out whether or not you need to scale it back.
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But I would say off the top of my head, look,
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There doesn t have to be a limit to the boundaries that you enforce as long as they re not hindering your relationships in the first place.
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And one of the best ways to figure this out is to see what kind of relationships you have now.
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In other words, look at the results and work backwards.
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All right, next one.
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Hey, love your show.
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I m a 33-year-old male high school math teacher in downtown Los Angeles.
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This will be my fifth and final year.
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Back when I started, I thought this would be it.
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I d be a teacher for life.
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Somewhere along the line, though, I realized teaching is just not for me.
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I m currently in a stage of, how could I have been so wrong about a career path I thought I was so sure about?
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This has caused me to be in a frequent state of reflection.
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I m in the middle of it and have gotten a little stuck.
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In my head, I ve already reasoned through the little things about teaching that I m going to miss, and also not miss.
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I m one of the founding teachers at a low-income neighborhood school, and it s dawning on me how the social construct has my students at an incredible disadvantage.
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This isn t the point of my question, though.
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The point is, I m growing jaded about it, and it s affecting my mood.
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I don t want to be that grumpy, cynical guy at work, especially since I only have a couple weeks left, and I want to enjoy my time with the most important part of my work, the people, both the students and the teachers.
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Any tips on how I can perceive things differently?
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It s pretty difficult to overlook the compromises I ve had to make.
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passing students who should probably be failing, administration overruling my decisions for the sake of better data, and I can t help but focus on those.
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I know I can try just to not dwell on the negatives, but this is challenging to do since it contradicts my original ideas of do things with integrity and the best outcome will occur.
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I ve only listened to your podcast for the past few months, and maybe if I had listened to them before I got into teaching, I would be handling things better.
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But since that isn t the case, do you have any tips on how I can realign my perspective so I don t leave feeling bitter and jaded about education?
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Thanks in advance, tired teacher.
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Hey, tired teacher.
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I actually had to call my mom, who s a retired school teacher.
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She taught in a working class school district as well.
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She told me the politics override how you approach the job.
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Essentially, you might enjoy different politics at a different school because every school is a completely different experience.
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She recommends that you don t just leave teaching just yet, but who knows, maybe we re too late to save you.
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But otherwise, I d say focus on the fact
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that you can leave these people better than you found them.
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The students, the administrators, and your fellow teachers.
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This is really the strongest thing you can do.
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So instead of focusing on the negatives, you can keep the negatives in mind, because you can t forget them anyway, and realize that you have the keys to the prison, which should help.
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You might also find a way to help people that isn t through the public school system, and that will restore some of your faith in humanity.
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Maybe a non-profit, or even volunteering, so you can help people on your terms.
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Taking back control when it comes to this will likely make this more fun and interesting for you, which means it ll change the association you have with teaching in your mind, which I would say is worthwhile.
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Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
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All right, back to Fan Mail Friday.
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All right, question four.
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Hey, Jordan.
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To start off, I just want to say I love the AOC podcast.
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I listen to it all the time, and the Fan Mail Friday segment is actually one of my favorite parts.
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I appreciate you helping a lot of guys out, and I m hoping you can shed some light on this weird problem I have.
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into a bar, picking out an extremely attractive woman, and bringing her home.
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When we get back, however, I have a hard time getting it up for sex.
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With everything else, I ll be completely fine, but once it s time to put the condom on, I start going limp.
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It s even gotten so bad where I don t approach girls anymore, because now that s what pops into my mind.
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Here s where it gets weird.
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I ve slept with a lot of girls, and I ve developed a reputation in my social network that I m skilled in bed.
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It s almost as if I have two different situations.
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Either I don t get it up at all, or I do and we have an insane night together.
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My guess is that maybe I m getting sexual anxiety by quote-unquote living up to my reputation, but I honestly don t know.
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I have no problem getting it up for girls I ve slept with in the past, which tells me it s 100% psychological, and I just want this issue to go away.
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Any advice is extremely appreciated.
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Thanks so much, Kyle.
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Hey, Kyle, sounds like a hard problem.
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See what I did there?
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Seriously, though, I think you need to go see a psychologist because this is definitely cycle.
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Well, I shouldn t say definitely.
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This is probably psychological, especially if you think it is.
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And there s probably a lot more going on here than even you realize.
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The information that s needed in order to figure out how to solve this problem is not necessarily contained in the email.
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And that goes for anybody out there looking at some sort of physical manifestation of a psychological issue, especially something sexual like this.
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Go get therapy before it becomes a really ingrained pattern that s really hard to change.
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The longer you wait, the more these negative patterns reinforce themselves.
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I mean, you re afraid to even go out and approach women because of what s happening here.
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You need to nip this in the bud ASAP.
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And who knows?
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This could be something hormonal that s off and on.
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This could be stress related.
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This could be, like you said, trying to live up to your own reputation.
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This could be a porn addiction, quote unquote, thing.
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Who knows?
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I don t even think you know, so I certainly can t know based on what you ve told me.
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And I would say, go get help and nip this thing in the bud.
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There s really no sense in being too proud to figure this out.
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Get it handled and get it handled early.
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I hope that helps.
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I just want to say, everybody, to inspire change in others is one of the greatest powers and the greatest gifts, and I m very, very thankful for that.
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It s an honor to have that place in your life.
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For those of you who ve been listening to us for so long, and for those of you who are new, why not?
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We try not to be super sappy motivational, you can do it types, as you know, without giving you guys and gals the know-how and practical advice to make it happen.
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The fact of the matter is, a great many of you guys and gals are doing it.
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You re not planning to do it, you re not just learning about it, but you re actually taking the advice we give you here at the Art of Charm and putting it into practice.
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And I wholeheartedly encourage everyone who listens to this show to put a plan of action in place and stick to it.
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Start small as even the tiniest daily improvement will snowball into a core level identity shift that will improve your life and the lives of those around you forever.
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You ll never forget these lessons and you ll pass them on to your kids as well.
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So you see, you re setting up your legacy here.
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You can change everything.
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I hope y all enjoyed this and don t forget you can email us friday at theartofcharm.com to get your questions answered on the air.
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A link to this blog post can be found at theartofcharm.com slash fmf that s fan mail friday 78.
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Also don t forget about the art of charm challenge just text charmed
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That s C-H-A-R-M-E-D-2-3-3-4-4-4 here in the USA, or anywhere else, go to theartofcharm.com.
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We ll take you step-by-step, helping you become a better personal and professional connector, become a better networker, increase your personal social capital and your charisma, and it s for both guys and gals, so check it out.
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That s Charmed.
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You can text Charmed, C-H-A-R-M-E-D-2-3-3-4-4-4 here in the U.S., or anywhere else, go to theartofcharm.com.
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Quick shout-out to Brandon Monk.
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He s a woodworker in LA who made my new audio desk, which is just stunning.
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It is amazing.
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It s all solid walnut, handmade.
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It is absolutely beautiful.
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And it is officially the nicest piece of furniture I have ever owned.
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So thanks so much, Brandon.
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Much love to you, brother.
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Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up and I ll shout you out.
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Speaking of strange lands, I m going to be in Australia.
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It s called the We Are Podcast Summit, and it s the first podcasting conference in the Southern Hemisphere.
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Back for round two here in 2016.
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I ll be giving the keynote.
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I m going to be teaching you guys how to host better shows, because they think I know a little something about that.
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And each ticket educates at least 100 children.
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from Cambodia, India, and Zimbabwe, which is awesome.
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Speaking of a four-purpose business, I mean, this is awesome.
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One ticket, 100 kids, the platinum ticket will get you a one-on-one mastermind session with the speakers, including yours truly, accommodation, access to the speaker dinner.
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So for 25% off your ticket, if you re in Australia, I ll be in Gold Coast here, for 25% off your ticket, use the discount code Jordan H.
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at checkout.
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That s wearepodcast.com slash 2016.
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We ll link to this in the show notes.
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Discount code Jordan H. I hope to see some of you there.
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More from Art of Charm at theartofcharm.com, including info on our live residential boot camps that we run every week here in LA.
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If you really want to dig into this stuff and work on your AOC skills with us as your coaches, that s at theartofcharm.com.
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Now stay charming, get out there and connect and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to the Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.