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It is time for Fan Mail Fridays.
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I m your host, AJ Harbinger, sitting in for Jordan, and I m here with producer Jason DeFilippo.
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We ll be answering your questions and dropping some knowledge and feedback to help you kick the weekend off right.
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Now, if you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, this isn t the greatest place to start listening.
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Most of our content is more in-depth and in a much longer format than this, so be sure to check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the fundamentals toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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We ll send all of this to your inbox if you text charmed, that is C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444.
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Again, if you text charmed to 33444, we ll send this straight to your inbox.
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There you ll find fundamentals of body language, nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, et cetera, and everything else that we teach here at The Art of Charm.
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All right, let s cut to it.
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Dear AOC, my boyfriend s been needing space recently, and that s fine, but it s come on the heels of a really tough time in our relationship, and the way he s been communicating his need to me has been to withdraw physical contact
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and conversation, basically to cold shoulder me, to make me feel unwelcome when I m around.
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I ve got my own place, and I m fine with space.
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It s healthy, and I need it too, but it can t be communicated like this.
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I ve tried to talk to him repeatedly, but he s so reticent that it s a fight to get him to engage, and he calls me emotionally controlling after a painful argument neither of us desired.
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I just want to stand up for myself.
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I don t want to be subjugated to his treatment without my voice being heard.
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But he keeps being neglectfully withdrawn.
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I would do anything to save our relationship, except bite my tongue to his stony face, apparently.
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Please help, heartbroken.
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Alright heartbroken, I can definitely feel your pain and I m very sorry to hear that you re going through this situation.
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It is truly awful.
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I know because I went through it myself.
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After losing my father while I was in a relationship with who s now my ex-girlfriend, I became very withdrawn and used silence as a weapon and ultimately it just built a
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boatload of resentment from her and ended up ruining our relationship.
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Unfortunately, this is very destructive behavior that you should not submit yourself to.
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No one should have to put up with the silent treatment or being so withdrawn with someone that they love.
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If you ve talked openly and honestly about it, and it sounds like you have, and he continues to disrespect you, it is time to move on.
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I know that we try very hard to hold on to things that used to be good, but this relationship is in a death spiral, and you already know it.
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So it s time to be strong enough to actually walk away.
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Every relationship goes through ups and downs.
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I totally understand that.
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But if one party in the relationship has been honest and said, hey, I need this from you.
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I need this to change.
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And the other party is unwilling to even listen to that, that it is time for you to find someone who is willing to commit to you, who is willing to treat you respectfully.
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This behavior is not respectful in the least.
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And it is time for you to move on.
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Hey guys, your podcast rocks.
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I ve even gone as far as to forward an episode or two to my girlfriend s mother, the most outstanding kindergarten teacher in existence.
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I m a first-year grad student from a suburban middle-class family.
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My younger brother, in his junior year of high school, looks up to me to a frightening degree.
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As the elder sibling, I see it as my mission to become the most positive influence as possible towards him.
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He s very driven and excels at everything to which he applies himself.
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I want to give my brother what I didn t have a few years ago.
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Perspective, drive, vision, and a glimpse of all that s attainable for his for the taking if he desires it.
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I know the right strategy, techniques, and maybe coaching can get him to an elite, high-performing level and get into a spectacular college, setting him up for life.
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I found him an academic coach from Harvard, but they didn t click.
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He wants desperately to kick it into high gear per se, but is stumbling over himself.
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I m all for being a well-rounded person, and he is so far doing an incredible job at that, but I want to help him buckle down in the best way possible during this final stretch before college.
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That being said, I m too busy trying to get myself in check and figure out stuff for myself to feel I can really push my brother to be the best person that he wants to be in the most effective means possible.
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Any advice is much appreciated.
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Thank you very much.
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You and your podcast have been an enormously positive influence in my life.
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Sincerely, Distressed Brudda from the same mudda.
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All right, Distressed Brudda from the same mudda.
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Actions always trump words.
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If you truly want to improve you and your brother s situation, you have to lead by example.
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Now, inviting him to events, going together, and allowing him to see that you can both have fun while pursuing your passions and improving yourself will go a long way to inspiring him to take action.
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We ve seen clients try to push their siblings to improve with often limited results.
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No one wants to be poked or prodded.
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However, after taking a program and learning that action is the most important step,
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that they have to become leaders in their family, they ve seen their siblings fall in line and follow them.
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Become a better person for your brother first before pointing him anywhere.
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He will see that inspiration in you and he will feel the need to keep up with you, which is great because now both of you will be improving at the same time.
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Changing us often leads to people in our lives becoming more interested in changing themselves.
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We have seen this time and time again through boot camps, where actually after the first boot camp, we ve had brothers come back and take it together.
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Now, I certainly think looking for another academic coach is also important.
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He was willing to receive coaching, but the coach was not a good fit.
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Now is the time to use that momentum to find someone else that is a good fit.
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Finding the right coach is not always easy, but it is definitely important, and we recommend everyone receive coaching on those areas of weakness.
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And a good academic coach will allow him to instill the right mindsets to achieve those great heights that you expect from him.
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What s up, AOC?
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Thank you for all your guidance.
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Your advice about business and relationships have been invaluable for me during college.
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I live in Corto Madera, California.
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While the business and education opportunities here are exceptional, the social life is like a funeral home.
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People here tend to have a severe Napoleonic complex.
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The Alpha parents disrespect people, telling them to shut up and getting all up in their grill, often about trivial things and don t mind their own business about anything.
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Whenever people are around other people, they act like they are better than everybody else.
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How do you instill a shred of nonverbal communication here?
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Around strangers, I feel like a damn celebrity wearing sunglasses.
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I don t want to be around them.
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I hang out at home.
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I don t go out.
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But how do you keep narcissists who think they are conformists from bugging you the second you leave your house?
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Thank you, frustrated college student who doesn t like adults.
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All right, frustrated college student who doesn t like adults.
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It all starts with your mindset, and right now, you are letting them get the best of you.
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You need to focus on small changes in your body language that add value to other people s lives.
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I m thinking smile, warmth in your face, good eye contact, walking and standing tall with purpose.
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That means removing your sunglasses and wearing that smile and always making warm eye contact with people you see out.
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Do not allow yourself to fall into their shitty frame.
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You can only control yourself and the first impression you project to the world.
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You can t control others  behaviors.
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By making sure that you show value and keep your body language confident, you will not allow these people to get the best of you.
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Now, I would also recommend you revisit the Value Toolbox episodes.
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They are full of valuable advice for dealing with low-value behaviors in others.
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And we have great examples of exactly how to do that when people in your life are trying to get the best of you.
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Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
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They say if you do what you love, you never work a day in your life.
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That s why you need Kajabi.
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There are thousands of creators on Kajabi making six and seven figures with less than 50,000 followers.
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Right now, Kajabi is offering a free 30-day trial to start your business if you go to kajabi.com slash charm.
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That s K-A-J-A-B-I dot com slash charm.
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Go to kajabi.com slash charm and join the creators and entrepreneurs who have made over seven billion dollars.
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Hey, Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
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Winning is an everyday mindset, and Craig Robinson and John Calipari are here to help.
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On Ways to Win podcast, Craig and Coach Cal use their on-court wisdom to solve your off-court problems.
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Whether it s trouble at home or a workplace dilemma, the coaches will help you find a winning formula for success.
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You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
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All right, back to the show.
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Jose writes,
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Where will I live?
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Can I afford to live in San Francisco?
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It s gotten to the point where I don t enjoy my social life anymore.
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I ve stopped working out.
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I don t go out with my buddies like I used to.
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All because I m too focused on my future.
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Basically, I don t have the drive anymore.
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Drive to work out.
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Drive to meet girls.
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What I m asking is how do you work yourself out of funks like these?
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It s been going on for at least three months.
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I ve lost so many gains from missing the gym.
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When I try to work out, I do the bare minimum and try to justify myself.
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I can t let this win, man.
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I used to be so outgoing.
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I don t know what happened.
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Anyway, thanks for your time.
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All right, Jose, it always starts with small steps getting physical.
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We work very closely with all of our bootcamp clients to make sure they are getting some basic exercise in.
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This has not only a profound effect on our mental health, but also on our physical health.
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And we ve seen even the most depressed, unenthusiastic guys pull themselves out of it with exercise.
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One of the biggest mistakes I ve seen people make is they believe they have to force themselves to go to the gym.
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Find any sport or activity that involves physical exercise and allows you to have fun while doing it.
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Just finding the right exercise alone can inspire you to put those gym shoes on and take action.
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We have a bodyweight exercise program that does not require any gym or weights that Johnny and I have been personally using for months with massive results.
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I used to be just like you, making excuses.
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The gym is too complicated.
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I don t know the right moves.
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I m not strong enough.
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I m going to be embarrassed.
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And lo and behold, all I had to do was start moving right next to my couch.
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I didn t even have to truck it to a gym to start seeing results with bodyweight exercise.
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Stop making exercise scary and find out what athletic activities interest you.
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Hell, doing 25 pushups next to the couch is better than missing the gym completely.
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I know, because I used to make those same excuses.
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Finally, add some accountability.
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Be open and honest with a friend and find something you can do together.
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When I started working out with friends, it tapped into my competitive nature and the results skyrocketed for me.
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And I m sure you can see those same results by involving the people that you enjoy hanging out with in the physical activities that interest you.
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Gents, good evening.
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Long-time listener, first-time writer.
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I m in a relationship with a gal going on eight months now, and I m worried that it might be a relationship of intellect more than passion, or at least a balance of the two.
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We re great together, don t get me wrong, but part of the problem is distance since we live about a thousand miles apart.
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So naturally it s hard to develop that whole day-to-day spur-of-the-moment ideal, as well as planning for the future.
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Right now I feel like everything is planning, as it kind of should be, but I m worried that the relationship is founded more in reason.
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When we re together, things are great, we have fun, we laugh, we have good times.
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It s not that we don t when we re apart, it s just, I don t know, I feel like something s missing.
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It s hard, after all, just to pop in when you want to, or be spontaneous when you re a thousand miles away.
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Advice is welcome, curious to your insights, lost in thought.
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Alright, lost in thought, long distance relationships are always difficult.
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You have not only space, but time playing a role in this situation.
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What I will tell you is that if you re having these feelings and the relationship is lacking passion, it will begin to suffer.
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Everyone wants to be our first choice.
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No one wants to feel like we are settling with them.
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If we are starting to rationalize that the relationship is good times, but is still lacking, she is definitely feeling it too.
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I would start by having an honest and open discussion about your feelings with her.
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If you cannot be truly open and vulnerable with her about your feelings, you will begin to build resentment.
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Vulnerability is the key to solving this equation.
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Make sure you have this conversation in person, not on Skype or FaceTime.
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I can t stress that enough.
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You need to be in the same room to emote and connect while reading each other s body language appropriately.
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In my experience, all long-distance relationships go through this.
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The ones that survive are the ones that allow both parties to feel heard and express vulnerability.
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Good luck.
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All right, I hope you all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget, you can email us at fridayattheartofcharm.com, and we ve got something new.
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Our friends at Burner App have set us up with a call-in line, so now if you d like to leave us a voicemail or text us, you can do either at 415-429-1915.
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That s 415-429-1915, and that s plus one for you international listeners.
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Now, don t forget to check out the Art of Charm Challenge.
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That is at theartofcharm.com slash challenge or text charmed.
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That s C-H-A-R-M-E-D-2-3-3-4-4-4.
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You ll receive step-by-step instructions on how to become better at making personal and professional connections, become a better networker, increase your personal social capital and charisma,
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And this is for both guys and gals, so be sure to check it out at theartofcharm.com slash challenge or text charm to 33444.
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You can learn more at theartofcharm.com.
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Now go out there, have a great weekend, connect, and as always, leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to the Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.