0
SPEAKER_00
All right, everybody, time for Fan Mail Friday.
0
SPEAKER_00
We re gonna answer your questions, drop some knowledge and feedback, help you kick the weekend off right.
0
SPEAKER_00
If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, this is not a great place to start.
0
SPEAKER_00
Most of our content is much more in-depth, much longer formats.
0
SPEAKER_00
Check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
0
SPEAKER_00
We ll also send you this stuff to your email if you text charmed to 33444.
0
SPEAKER_00
There we ve got the fundamentals of body language, nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, and everything else we teach here at the Art of Charm.
0
SPEAKER_00
All right, let s cut to it.
0
SPEAKER_01
I ve been in and out of relationships just like any other guy on the show, but this might be a little bit different.
0
SPEAKER_01
I started dating this girl online about two years ago.
0
SPEAKER_01
We hit it off great through email, then text, and finally phone to the point where we were spending hours on the phone with each other at night and becoming increasingly unproductive at work.
0
SPEAKER_01
I was 24 and dumb, what can I say?
0
SPEAKER_01
We would regularly try to set up a time to meet each other but something always happened to screw up the meeting.
0
SPEAKER_01
Most of the time it was that her phone would shut off, her family member got into trouble and she had to rescue them, we misinterpreted each other so she was in my town and I was in hers, etc.
0
SPEAKER_01
Red flags, right?
0
SPEAKER_01
What seemed to be a common theme was that she was scared to meet me and I kept being persistent but understanding and would set up a new time and date to try again but it was to no avail.
0
SPEAKER_01
She unexpectedly broke it off on June of 2014 saying she was too busy with her new niece and work.
0
SPEAKER_01
About a month later she calls me and tells me she slept with her ex-boyfriend and she felt horrible and understood if I didn t want to talk to her ever again but she wanted to work things out.
0
SPEAKER_01
I took her back and we began working on our relationship when she found out she was pregnant with his child.
0
SPEAKER_01
I was devastated to say the least, but knowing the father is a deadbeat and never keeps his promises, I decided that I would take the role of dad to this kid when she was born.
0
SPEAKER_01
Did I mention that we still hadn t met at this point?
0
SPEAKER_01
Now, fast forward 8 months, she breaks it off again after months of trying to meet up and other emotional turmoil that would probably cause any of my friends to throw in the towel.
0
SPEAKER_01
She has the baby, and the dad still isn t really present.
0
SPEAKER_01
I d started talking to someone who was older than me, and then she decided to stop talking to me, and yes, I met this one.
0
SPEAKER_01
I wasn t going to make that mistake again.
0
SPEAKER_01
Lo and behold, here comes my ex again, saying she wanted to work things out, and she wants me to meet her kid, and I say we can work things out.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s been nearly six months since that point, and we still have yet to meet, and we don t talk for sometimes days on end.
0
SPEAKER_01
We ve been talking more seriously about when we re going to meet, and if we re ever going to meet.
0
SPEAKER_01
What do I do?
0
SPEAKER_01
I feel that I love this girl, even though we ve never met, and she s put me through the ringer more than once.
0
SPEAKER_01
My confidence has been completely shot through and through, and I ve missed out on multiple opportunities to be with my oldest friend, who, by the way, told me she loved me about two months before she got married after a night of making out in my car.
0
SPEAKER_01
Looking for any insight, advice, slap upside the head you can give to a guy who is up a creek without a paddle.
0
SPEAKER_01
Sincerely, two years too late.
0
SPEAKER_00
All right, two years too late.
0
SPEAKER_00
This is a problem.
0
SPEAKER_00
You re right.
0
SPEAKER_00
There s a ton of red flags.
0
SPEAKER_00
You ve been ignoring them willfully.
0
SPEAKER_00
I kind of get why.
0
SPEAKER_00
It s called a scarcity mindset.
0
SPEAKER_00
We ve mentioned it a lot here on the program in the past.
0
SPEAKER_00
This relationship is safe for you.
0
SPEAKER_00
She can t reject you despite trying hard actually to push you away.
0
SPEAKER_00
Would you accept something similar from a male friend without the promise of some sort of long-term love?
0
SPEAKER_00
Probably not.
0
SPEAKER_00
And the reason that you re doing this is, again, the scarcity mindset.
0
SPEAKER_00
You feel like maybe you can t get anything else.
0
SPEAKER_00
Maybe it s safe for you.
0
SPEAKER_00
Maybe you don t have to face rejection.
0
SPEAKER_00
Maybe this is the best you think you can do.
0
SPEAKER_00
There s a lot of stuff here.
0
SPEAKER_00
But you have not met yet.
0
SPEAKER_00
That s the important thing that you need to remember.
0
SPEAKER_00
You have not met this person yet.
0
SPEAKER_00
You do not know who they are.
0
SPEAKER_00
You don t even know if she is who she says she is.
0
SPEAKER_00
You ever seen that show, Catfish?
0
SPEAKER_00
She s using you as an emotional safety net because she knows if you met her, or she thinks if you met her, you might not like her anymore.
0
SPEAKER_00
And even if that isn t true, her actions signal this is how she thinks, which is a huge problem, and another giant red flag.
0
SPEAKER_00
There s more, even worse things to this story than she s hiding, and this is already bad enough.
0
SPEAKER_00
So bail, get out now.
0
SPEAKER_00
This is something that s never gonna progress, and if it does, it s gonna be your downfall, brother.
0
SPEAKER_00
Also, a note from a listener, Mike, who s an enrollment counselor at a college, says, hey, if you have the contact information from last Friday s show, you may want to let the guy know who wrote about marrying the Chinese woman, that through a process called optional practical training, a female student, or any student probably, can remain in the US for another year legally working.
0
SPEAKER_00
That year would clearly buy them some time.
0
SPEAKER_00
And he sent a link below, which I will send to you.
0
SPEAKER_00
Mr. I m about to marry my Chinese girlfriend after six months.
0
SPEAKER_00
And you can also contact Mike directly if you have any questions.
0
SPEAKER_00
But again, it s called optional practical training.
0
SPEAKER_00
She can do some sort of job training on her F1 visa.
0
SPEAKER_00
Thought that might be a pretty good, pretty good piece of wisdom.
0
SPEAKER_00
It sure beats marrying somebody after six months and then realizing that you made a potential mistake.
0
SPEAKER_01
Hey Jordan and AOC, I m a huge fan of the show.
0
SPEAKER_01
You guys rock and I ve learned so much from what you and the team have done.
0
SPEAKER_01
I m looking into attending a bootcamp sometime in the near future once I pay off my student loan.
0
SPEAKER_01
I wanted to see if you could help me or offer some type of advice.
0
SPEAKER_01
I m in a relationship with a girl who I ve been dating for 10 months.
0
SPEAKER_01
She s a great girl who I love dearly.
0
SPEAKER_01
Also, she s a massage therapist, which is a very nice bonus.
0
SPEAKER_01
About a month ago, I was home alone and her email was up on my computer.
0
SPEAKER_01
I shamefully did what many other jealous guys have done and I snooped.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s a little uncharacteristic of me because while I ve had slight jealousy issues in the past, it s never been to a point where it caused me to snoop on a girlfriend.
0
SPEAKER_01
I m not sure what triggered this and I m still trying to figure it out.
0
SPEAKER_01
Anyway, I read an email to her ex-husband which was her confession that she had relations with two other men while they had been married.
0
SPEAKER_01
The email went on to explain that she felt their marriage could not be rekindled and that she wanted to split up.
0
SPEAKER_01
The next time I saw her, I confessed what I d done and what I d found.
0
SPEAKER_01
She explained that she was in a very dark time and was visibly and extremely upset about the situation.
0
SPEAKER_01
Since then, we ve talked extensively about it and her explanation was that he didn t give her the love she needed, never touched her or made her feel pretty, and having sex with other men was her form of acting out.
0
SPEAKER_01
Additionally, she was 21 when she got married and was 23 when she split up and had dated the guy since she was 15.
0
SPEAKER_01
She s also attributing this acting out to immaturity and to getting married at a young age.
0
SPEAKER_01
For the record, I m 26 and she s now 25.
0
SPEAKER_01
I m very ashamed of myself for having done this, but I m not sure if I can overcome this or if I should end the relationship.
0
SPEAKER_01
I knew her previous marriage was a crappy one.
0
SPEAKER_01
According to her, the ex-husband was controlling, very untrusting, always putting her down, and making her feel stupid, among other things.
0
SPEAKER_01
I treat her great, but I m concerned that something might happen to cause her to cheat again with me.
0
SPEAKER_01
I ve heard the phrase, once a cheater, always a cheater, but I don t really buy into this.
0
SPEAKER_01
However, I don t know if I can trust her because I didn t really know her then.
0
SPEAKER_01
What if she said the same sweet things to me as she said to him?
0
SPEAKER_01
After listening to your AOC episode with Kimberly Seltzer on how to find a therapist, I ve decided to seek one out for myself.
0
SPEAKER_01
I ve had two sessions and my third is scheduled for tomorrow to help me organize my thoughts.
0
SPEAKER_01
Since you guys have been so helpful for me in everyday life of self-betterment, I wanted to see if I could gather your opinion on this matter.
0
SPEAKER_01
Have you seen something like this before?
0
SPEAKER_01
Should I continue my counseling to overcome this issue?
0
SPEAKER_01
Is this even something I should overcome?
0
SPEAKER_01
Sincerely, Confused Boyfriend.
0
SPEAKER_00
Hey, confused boyfriend.
0
SPEAKER_00
Alright, so this is kind of a funky question because first of all, therapy is best, definitely.
0
SPEAKER_00
Therapy is definitely best here.
0
SPEAKER_00
You need to break things off with her now because the relationship is actually over.
0
SPEAKER_00
The reason it s over is because you don t trust her.
0
SPEAKER_00
The break in trust wasn t her cheating in the past.
0
SPEAKER_00
The break was you snooping and being jealous in the first place.
0
SPEAKER_00
You need to fix that.
0
SPEAKER_00
Therapy and counseling will help you and you need to work on the issues you ve got with trust and jealousy before any relationship will work with her or with anybody else.
0
SPEAKER_00
I ll reserve judgment on her actions here because they re actually not as relevant to the real question here in my opinion.
0
SPEAKER_00
I think what we need to do is step back from her and just eliminate her as an even a variable in this and look at the reasons that you ve
0
SPEAKER_00
snooped through her email, the reasons you started not to trust her, the reasons you mentioned you were jealous before, because I think that s actually the problem, not necessarily the people you select, and probably not having to do with her past relationships at all.
0
SPEAKER_00
I will say she was young, people do learn, people do make mistakes when they re younger.
0
SPEAKER_00
I m not so sure about the once a cheater, always a cheater kind of thing, especially with really young people who get married too early, but I will say don t even worry about that, don t even focus on that.
0
SPEAKER_00
Focus on yourself and your own issues and you will learn to screen people in better because you will be healthier emotionally.
0
SPEAKER_01
Hi AOC, I was listening to the most recent Friday episode and wanted to add on to the advice you gave the husband who was trying to persuade his wife of the value of AOC s bootcamp.
0
SPEAKER_01
I happen to be a wife and mom and here s a strategy that may work to persuade moms in particular.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s for the children.
0
SPEAKER_01
In fact, I happen to start listening because I m raising four kids, two girls and two boys, and was looking for information on how to describe what qualities make someone successful in life, both so they can emulate those qualities themselves and look for them in others.
0
SPEAKER_01
If my husband wanted to go, all he d have to do is say, I want to see how they teach this stuff so I can teach the kids the same strategies.
0
SPEAKER_01
Maybe heap it on a little and talk about giving the kids an advantage as they encounter and or navigate the working slash social world.
0
SPEAKER_01
I d be sold in a hot minute.
0
SPEAKER_01
Just a thought in case this question ever comes up again.
0
SPEAKER_01
Even though I m not the target audience, I love the podcast.
0
SPEAKER_01
Keep up the great work, Jody.
0
SPEAKER_00
Awesome, Jody.
1
SPEAKER_03
Thank you, great points.
1
SPEAKER_03
One of the largest advantages of this stuff for parents is giving our kids, our own kids, the advantages we never had and getting it early enough to experience the compounding returns on that investment and that skill set.
1
SPEAKER_03
I mean, imagine if you thought this way, the AOC way, about relationships when you were 16.
1
SPEAKER_03
Your entire life would be different and you would have done many more amazing things than you ve already done.
1
SPEAKER_03
you would have an immeasurable advantage.
1
SPEAKER_03
I can t even imagine it.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s kind of amazing and depressing at the same time.
1
SPEAKER_03
We all have that, what if?
1
SPEAKER_03
What if I knew then what I knew now?
1
SPEAKER_03
And you can give that in large part to your kids if you have the skill set to teach them yourself.
1
SPEAKER_01
Hey, Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
1
SPEAKER_01
Winning is an everyday mindset, and Craig Robinson and John Calipari are here to help.
1
SPEAKER_01
On Ways to Win podcast, Craig and Coach Cal use their on-court wisdom to solve your off-court problems.
1
SPEAKER_01
Whether it s trouble at home or a workplace dilemma, the coaches will help you find a winning formula for success.
1
SPEAKER_01
You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
1
SPEAKER_01
And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
1
SPEAKER_01
Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
1
SPEAKER_02
Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
1
SPEAKER_01
They say if you do what you love, you never work a day in your life.
1
SPEAKER_01
But if you re an entrepreneur, you know the hard work that comes with it.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s why you need Kajabi.
1
SPEAKER_01
Kajabi makes it easy to run your entire online business from one platform so you can focus on what you love.
1
SPEAKER_01
Creating.
1
SPEAKER_02
Kajabi is the ultimate all-in-one platform that helps creators and entrepreneurs build successful online businesses by unlocking predictable recurring revenue.
1
SPEAKER_01
No matter your niche, Kajabi makes it easy to turn your skills, passions, and experiences into enriching online courses, exclusive membership sites, subscription podcasts, thriving communities, personalized coaching, and more.
1
SPEAKER_02
The best part?
1
SPEAKER_02
Kajabi doesn t cut into your revenue because everything is owned and controlled by you.
1
SPEAKER_02
So keep 100% of what you earn.
1
SPEAKER_01
And with Kajabi, you also get robust analytics, easy payment options, email marketing tools, and customizable website templates, all built in.
1
SPEAKER_02
You don t even need a huge audience to make sustainable income.
1
SPEAKER_02
There are thousands of creators on Kajabi making six and seven figures with less than 50,000 followers.
1
SPEAKER_01
Right now, Kajabi is offering a free 30-day trial to start your business if you go to kajabi.com slash charm.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s K-A-J-A-B-I dot com slash charm.
1
SPEAKER_02
Go to Kajabi.com slash charm and join the creators and entrepreneurs who have made over seven billion dollars.
1
SPEAKER_00
Hey Jordan, I appreciate everything you guys do.
1
SPEAKER_00
You guys definitely help set the path to becoming a better person in every way.
1
SPEAKER_00
My question is how would you go about handling a situation in where a good friend of yours confided to you that she was in a relationship with a married man with kids?
1
SPEAKER_00
Thankfully the guy was man enough to call it off, which left my friend with a deep sense of loss.
1
SPEAKER_00
When I first found out, I did what any friend would do and listened without any judgment, but when I expressed how the entire situation was wrong, suddenly I ve become the bad person and that I just don t understand the love they had for each other.
1
SPEAKER_00
I d like to get your take on this and possibly see how you would go about resolving it.
1
SPEAKER_00
Thanks and sincerely, Insanity in a Nutshell.
1
SPEAKER_03
Hey, insanity in a nutshell.
1
SPEAKER_03
Look, I m gonna be blunt.
1
SPEAKER_03
She didn t ask you to call anything out.
1
SPEAKER_03
She needed friendship.
1
SPEAKER_03
She s hurting.
1
SPEAKER_03
And frankly, it wasn t really any of your business to shove your opinion, and you know what they say about opinions, into this.
1
SPEAKER_03
I don t understand.
1
SPEAKER_03
What was the point of judgment?
1
SPEAKER_03
Are you going to stop being friends with her?
1
SPEAKER_03
If so, just stop then.
1
SPEAKER_03
If not, keep your judgment to yourself.
1
SPEAKER_03
You should apologize and you should let her know that you screwed up being her friend to express your opinion, which she knows anyway and is afraid of being judged for in the first place.
1
SPEAKER_03
She confided in you because she thought you would not do this to her and then you did.
1
SPEAKER_03
You can, however, talk about it later if she s interested in doing so.
1
SPEAKER_03
I mostly agree she shouldn t have gotten into that relationship in the first place, but she knows that as well.
1
SPEAKER_03
So apologize and be a friend to her.
1
SPEAKER_03
She already learned a lesson here and she doesn t need a moralistic one from you.
1
SPEAKER_00
Hey Jordan, I ve been dating this girl for about three months and it s been oddly fantastic.
1
SPEAKER_00
Easily the best relationship to date where we just seem to jive on most core components that are essential in a relationship.
1
SPEAKER_00
Sense of humor, intelligence, honesty, sex, etc.
1
SPEAKER_00
However, there is definitely a difference in the way both of us have grown up.
1
SPEAKER_00
I started working at 14 without ever having a gap in my employment.
1
SPEAKER_00
Bought my first house at 23, now own my own company that does very well at 29 years old.
1
SPEAKER_00
I ve been taught to always work your ass off for what you want.
1
SPEAKER_00
She s grown up a bit differently and primarily due to the faults of her father not being around and later in life coming back with money to throw at the problems of the past.
1
SPEAKER_00
She s almost 31, works roughly 10 hours a week, and makes ends meet with an allowance from her father each month.
1
SPEAKER_00
I feel bad because I don t understand that dynamic and feel that it s none of my business, but I see how it s bleeding into our relationship now.
1
SPEAKER_00
There are definitely expectations of being taken care of in that way.
1
SPEAKER_00
She doesn t come off as a gold digger, entitled, or anything of the sort, it just seems that she s always been conditioned that the man pays for things and the woman s contribution is more sporadic and minimal, i.e.
1
SPEAKER_00
paying for groceries here and there, picking up the tab every once in a while, and maintaining the house, provided you live together.
1
SPEAKER_00
This recently made me feel very uneasy when we booked a trip to Vegas, and I proposed we split the flight in Hotel 5050, knowing damn well I d be buying every meal while we were there.
1
SPEAKER_00
It came as a shock to her, and long story short, we ve been discussing the dynamics of our relationship in regards to money for the last three days.
1
SPEAKER_00
I too am fine adopting the traditional values of the man paying for the majority, long-term, provided there is a trade-off.
1
SPEAKER_00
Perhaps the value-add from her doesn t come in the form of money, but instead through cooking, cleaning, maintaining the house, etc.
1
SPEAKER_00
But we aren t there yet, and don t even live together at this point.
1
SPEAKER_00
The circular argument has made me feel oddly uncomfortable.
1
SPEAKER_00
One side of me is thinking, this is a huge red flag and she s acting like an entitled princess,
1
SPEAKER_00
Whereas the other side of me is thinking, I make probably 15 times what she does, am I being a cheap ass?
1
SPEAKER_00
I just never understood why people feel they deserve a free ride.
1
SPEAKER_00
She would argue that a free ride is not the expectation, but that her contribution comes in other ways.
1
SPEAKER_00
Like sometimes paying for groceries, a round of drinks, meals every once in a while, etc.
1
SPEAKER_00
But agreeing the man should be the one taking care of most things.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m lost, what do I do?
1
SPEAKER_00
Just a dude.
1
SPEAKER_03
Hey, just a dude, have you talked about this with her at all already?
1
SPEAKER_03
I mean, in many ways, this situation, if it s not kind of too late and if you can do it without a ton of emotion, being direct is key.
1
SPEAKER_03
It is early for her to expect a lot.
1
SPEAKER_03
I mean, look, is she really conservative socially?
1
SPEAKER_03
Was she raised that way?
1
SPEAKER_03
Does she do other things for you a lot that would hold up her end of the quote-unquote bargain?
1
SPEAKER_03
For example, if she s really conservative and has conservative notions about gender roles, maybe she cooks, maybe she cleans the house, maybe she wants traditional gender roles.
1
SPEAKER_03
Or is she expecting you to pay for everything while she adds nothing to the equation other than simply being female?
1
SPEAKER_03
These are the questions that you need to ask.
1
SPEAKER_03
If it s the latter, that s a bad sign, it s a red flag, you can get out.
1
SPEAKER_03
And if it s the former, you need to talk and figure out what type of relationship you want, including what type of gender roles you re comfortable with inside of that relationship.
1
SPEAKER_03
Hope you all enjoyed that.
1
SPEAKER_03
Don t forget you can reach us at friday at theartofcharm.com.
1
SPEAKER_03
We read everything and we d love to hear from you.
1
SPEAKER_03
I did a video this week as well about emotional button pushing, about how we can find some serious gold in the emotional buttons that trigger us.
1
SPEAKER_03
What those triggers mean, how to find them, and what to do about them.
1
SPEAKER_03
That can be found at theartofcharm.com slash fmf.
1
SPEAKER_03
Also, don t forget the Art of Charm Challenge at theartofcharm.com slash challenge or text CHARMED to 33444.
1
SPEAKER_03
Step-by-step instructions help you become better at making personal and professional connections, become a better networker, increase your personal social capital and charisma,
1
SPEAKER_03
For both guys and gals here, we re unisex up in this piece, so check it out at theartofcharm.com slash challenge or text charmed to 33444.
1
SPEAKER_03
Quick shout out to Chris in Mauritius, which almost rhymes, and Norman in Chengdu, China, both listening to AOC overseas.
1
SPEAKER_03
Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
1
SPEAKER_03
If so, hit me up and I ll shout you out.
1
SPEAKER_03
More from AOC at theartofcharm.com.
1
SPEAKER_03
Now have a great weekend, get out there and connect, and leave everyone better than you found them.
1
SPEAKER_04
Thanks for listening to the Art of Charm.
1
SPEAKER_04
Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.