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Time for Fan Mail Friday, where we ll be answering your questions and dropping some knowledge and feedback to help you kick the weekend off right.
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, this isn t the best place to start.
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Most of our content is more in-depth and longer format, so check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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That s where we ve got the fundamentals of body language, nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, and everything else we teach here at the Art of Charm.
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All right, on to it.
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Dear Jordan, I m a man with a lot of bad habits who s starting to realize that they re holding me back.
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I smoke a lot, I drink a lot, and it s literally what s holding me back in my dating life and my personal life.
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What do you recommend I do to change things?
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Signed, beginning to see the light.
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Ah, right on.
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I like that.
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I like these nicknames that we re getting and slash giving people now as well.
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First of all,
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We don t really know that this is what s holding you back in your dating life and your personal life from this letter, so I m going to let it go, assuming you ve gotten feedback from people at work, from people that you re dating, that they don t want to date smokers or drinkers, etc.
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But I think your question kind of answers itself.
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You know you need to start making changes, perhaps even drastic changes, to your life and to your lifestyle.
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And first, I think it s important to not just get rid of unhealthy parts of your lifestyle, but also find healthy ways to live your life to replace what really are just bad habits.
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It s harder to get rid of habits than it is to replace them, so for my money, there are few things better for you than regular exercise, lots of water, and beyond that, you might consider seeing a counselor about your drinking if it s really a problematic thing that you rely on.
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All that said, I think moderation is key.
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There s nothing wrong having a few beers here and there, a few drinks here and there.
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There s not even anything wrong with, and I know I m gonna get flack for this, getting really drunk from time to time, provided that you don t drive or do anything dangerous or buy a giraffe while you re drunk.
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It s all about finding balance and staying safe.
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And most importantly, you need to chase after this newfound energy that you seem to have to make yourself and your life that much better.
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Derek writes, Mr. Harbinger, I am a longtime listener of the Art of Charm.
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Currently, I am working on your awesome social capital challenge.
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Additionally, I have been practicing gratitude, being grateful for what I have and letting people know about it.
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This brings me to an interesting dilemma.
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How do I tell my bosses that I m really grateful without coming off as a kiss-ass, even to bosses much higher up in the food chain that I ve never met?
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Any suggestions would be really beneficial.
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Thank you for such a great show, Fan Mail Friday s Rule.
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Excellent, thanks for the feedback.
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Here s my answer to that.
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Write them a little letter or an email.
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thank them for the opportunity they ve given you, where most people haven t.
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And most importantly, you gotta be specific in what you ve learned, instead of being general.
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The general brown-noser goes, I love working here, thanks for the opportunity, looking forward to meeting you at the Christmas party.
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But somebody who s actually thankful says, look, I m really thankful for this job, a lot of people won t hire me because I have a
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criminal record or whatever.
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Thank you for giving me a chance.
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You have no idea what this means to my family.
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The other day we were finally able to take the first vacation in years because I have income from this job and I m not just hustling to do odd jobs.
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My wife and I have a better relationship because she s proud of me for working for blah blah blah.
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Specific is important, otherwise it just seems general and it seems like you have a divisive reason for writing it.
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Also, it shows authenticity, which is the opposite of being a kiss-ass, which is by definition agenda and outcome seeking.
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As for writing a letter to the people that you ve never met before, ask yourself why you re doing that and if you genuinely want to thank them, again, be very specific and you might even say,
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keep me in mind for any other opportunities within the organization because if they re looking to find somebody who s going to be trained as a manager, they might actually suggest you to your manager.
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They might not, it also might not do squat, but it doesn t hurt to do it if that s what you re going for.
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If there s no other reason for it though, I would say lay off and maybe just share a drink with them at the annual Christmas party.
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Dear Jordan, I read your newsletter and listen to your podcast every week.
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I get tons of advice from your website, but here s the issue.
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I m 25 and still a virgin.
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I try to stay positive about it, but sometimes it s hard.
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I just figured, I just figure it hasn t happened yet, so it s never going to happen.
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What do I need to finally lose my V card?
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Signed, 25 year old virgin.
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We re officially 12.
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Do you want me to reread that?
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No, no, no.
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I think we just, we have to admit that when we do this in the evening, we turn into children and giggle at stupid shit.
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So it s staying in.
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Anyway, hey man, you d be surprised at how common virgins your age are.
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While it s somewhat outside the norm, it s not like you re 40 or 50.
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And I think you re overthinking it a little bit.
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There s not much difference between having sex with the first girl and the 10th girl beyond anything that s in your head.
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So don t think about what you need to do to get laid.
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Think about what you need to do to become a better man, the type of man that attracts women, especially the kind of women that you find attractive.
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And that s really what we teach here at AOC.
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It s not about gaming women, it s about becoming the type of man that women actually want and are attracted to.
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And the first step is believing that you can actually become that kind of man.
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I ve got faith in you because I know that every man has it in him to become this type of man with enough hard work and effort, and hell, that s what we do here professionally, so I know it can happen.
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Here are some quick thoughts on how you can make it happen that much faster.
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One, you gotta get out there.
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You re not meeting women sitting at home.
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You need to get out there and meet people.
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This is definitely supposed to seem daunting at first, but the more you get to it, the more easy it ll become.
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It requires practice, and I know it s a lot easier said than done, and that s kind of what boot camp is all about.
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Two,
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Hit the gym.
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The older you get, the less optional it is that you work out.
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More to the point, working out makes you feel better and look better.
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So pick something you like and stick with it.
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It helps also with the above of getting you out there, because you have to get out there to work out.
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You could work out in group classes and meet people there, et cetera.
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Throw yourself into your career.
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One of the most impressive things to women is a guy who s serious about his career.
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Throw yourself into your job 110%, no matter what it is, with an eye toward the long haul.
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And here s the caveat, don t use this as an excuse long-term not to have a social life or to become some kind of workaholic, or you ll just be replacing one set of problems with another.
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And I want to reaffirm that I m very general
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when I say women like a guy who s serious about his career.
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That s a very blanket statement, but let s play the 80-20 game here.
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And last but not least, make time for fun.
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It s not all about meeting women.
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Go hiking, check out museums, take in a ball game.
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No matter what fun is for you, make time for it with an emphasis on getting out of the house.
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And of course, that also helps you create a healthy social circle of people that don t just want to go drinking or only want to work out and then go home and watch TV.
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Last but not least, talk to everyone.
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Again, it s more than just about talking and chatting up girls.
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Chat with people, in line at the supermarket, the post office, wherever they might be.
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Talk to women, yes, but talk to everyone, and talking to women is gonna be a lot easier.
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So again, this helps the social circle, and ah, almost forgot, work on your look.
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You don t need to be a bastion of fashionable clothing and couture, but a few staples in your wardrobe are gonna level up your look and your confidence.
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And yeah, when you re making new friends, make sure to keep the old ones.
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Look for new friends, reach out to old friends, the two groups of you can go out together, and this will make your efforts a little easier.
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Combined with working out, this is gonna build confidence in your appearance and demonstrate a level of social awareness that most men ignore.
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So as you can see, these will not only help you cash in your V card, but they re also killer advice for any man that happens to be listening right now.
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You know, one of the things that strikes me about hanging out with you when we go out, you talk to everyone.
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I ve never seen anybody do that and I think that that s one of the greatest pieces of advice is just talk to everybody.
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Yeah, I talk to everybody.
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Unless I m in a weird mood, I will talk to everybody.
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And it s not to get anything.
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It s just kind of a good muscle to work out.
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I mean, hell, we work from home, man.
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If I don t talk to everybody, I end up talking to myself in the closet.
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It s weird.
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In the cat.
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I talk to my cats.
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Yeah, it just ends up getting weird.
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I d probably talk to my cats anyway, full disclosure.
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You do, you do.
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I ve seen it.
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It s okay.
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All right, moving along.
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Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
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Right now, Kajabi is offering a free 30-day trial to start your business if you go to kajabi.com slash charm.
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Hey Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
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Winning is an everyday mindset and Craig Robinson and John Calipari are here to help.
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On Ways to Win podcast, Craig and Coach Cal use their on-court wisdom to solve your off-court problems.
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Whether it s trouble at home or a workplace dilemma, the coaches will help you find a winning formula for success.
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You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
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Dear Jordan, I ve been following a lot of your stuff for years.
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Podcasts, newsletters, all that jazz.
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One thing that I m having trouble with is knowing if I m getting any better at things.
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How do you track your progress so you know that you re getting better and don t stand around wondering if you re just wasting your time spinning your wheels?
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Signed, Wondering Walter.
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Then, when you go back and look at your journal after a few months, you re going to notice that you re actually getting things done.
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And more to the point, you re going to see a change in your attitude.
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Particularly for men who want to see how their confidence is increasing, keeping a journal will let you see how your view of the world is changing.
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Nothing else that I know of is actually going to let you do that, reliably anyway.
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And it s not just about your skills, but about your outlook on life and your sense of momentum and forward motion, and that is trackable by journal.
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Max writes in, how do I dodge a question in a presentation?
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Yeah, this is a this is a good one and an interesting one, because I thought about this for a while.
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You re asking for a quote unquote crafty way to dodge questions during presentations or clever way to do that.
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But it s actually not a good idea.
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Smart audiences, which
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are the ones who are watching you hopefully at work and even in graduate school, scientists, whatever, they can see right through it, and they re gonna lose confidence in your qualification to actually be speaking to them in the first place.
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Not to mention, if I see through that, I automatically lose a lot of respect for you, so don t do it.
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As the presenter, you are in control of the information, the presentation, the performance, and you re responsible for making sure that the people you re presenting to actually get what they need.
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And so, okay, if the question is really outside the whole presentation, it s way out in left field, you can defer it by saying you ll talk to them after the presentation so you don t waste everyone s time because you know that the rest of the people there don t actually need to hear it.
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But if it really makes sense to the topic of interest, if it s relevant,
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You need to be able to answer, or give an answer, whether you actually know the answer or not.
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If you don t know, say, I don t know, but I ll find out for you, and then write it down and actually check back with people to deliver that.
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In fact, if it s one person asking and you find the answer, send it to everyone.
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That s a really great follow-up technique, because if you just follow up with the one person, you don t know if other people had the same question.
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Presenters that try to BS their audience are not good, because eventually you get found out, and no matter how good you think you are, and take it from me, no matter how good you think you are at bullshitting,
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There s going to be people who can tell and admitting you don t know something will earn you points with the audience and it will generate trust because they ll know that you re honest with them and this can be a hard lesson for people to learn.
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People hate, including myself, hate saying I don t know.
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So you want to get around it.
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And they ll even say things like, well, I theorize this.
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I hypothesize this.
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I m somewhat sure of this.
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Just you either know or you don t.
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Don t try to pull the wool over people s eyes.
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It can be detrimental to your career, academic or otherwise.
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And you ve got to have confidence in your answers.
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The only way to be 100% sure is either you know or you re 100% sure that you don t.
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And it takes a lot of work to build trust.
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I ve said this before.
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It takes a lot of work to build trust, but you can lose it in just moments.
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So don t risk it.
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All right, blog post of the week, How to Save Time with One Simple Email.
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This is a way to confirm appointments, get the other person excited to meet, cut the meeting time, makes you more productive, makes the meeting more productive, and we teach you subtle persuasion and influence techniques to help meetings be more successful.
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The title of the article on the blog is How to Save Time with One Simple Email.
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We ll link it in the show notes here.
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And if you just Google the Art of Charm, How to Save Time with One Simple Email, should show up on the blog.
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website.
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Hope you all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget you can reach us Friday at theartofcharm.com.
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We read everything.
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We d love to hear from you.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com.
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Now have a great weekend.
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Get out there and connect and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to the art of charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and everything for the extraordinary man at the art of charm podcast.com.