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Hi, thanks for listening to the Tony Robbins podcast.
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This is just a quick note about this episode in case you d rather watch and see the video of this conversation, which includes behind the scenes footage with Tony, Sage and me, Mary B. And that s found at youtube.com backslash Tony Robbins live.
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You d like to listen, you re in the right place.
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Welcome everybody to the Tony Robbins podcast.
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I m Tony Robbins, and I m actually running this podcast for change, but I m joined by my amazing cohorts, Sage Robbins and Mary Buckeye.
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And we thought, you know, in honor of Mother s Day, it might be nice to share some of the principles, the strategies, the tools.
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some of our successes, some of our failures.
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I don t think they re really failures, but learnings that we ve had in raising our daughter, who s now going to be just turning three years old.
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And we re so thrilled with the young human she s become, and I m sure most parents feel that way.
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And, you know, she s special born that way, you think.
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You know, you come in with a certain amount.
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But we ve been very conscious, and we always say the secret is conscious parenting.
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And one of our friends, Jesse, was saying the other day, well,
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What does that look like?
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You know, what is conscious parenting?
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What is that really?
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What does that really look like?
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And so we thought it might be really nice, in honor of Mother s Day, to actually walk through some of those principles, some of those distinctions.
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Because whether you re already a parent right now, or you re considering being a parent someday, or you re the child of a parent, meaning you re human,
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So these principles, I think, can be really helpful in any interaction with any human being, but especially with little people as we re learning, because it s an art.
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And we don t pretend to have all the answers, but we re living in a different world also.
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I think it s useful to contribute because, you know, there s so many different forms of relationship.
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The classic relationship of a husband and wife that are together forever.
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good for good, for bad, for whatever, is not really the standard anymore.
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In fact, for the first time in history in this country, in the United States, there are more single parents and more blended family, his, hers, and ours, than any time in history.
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And then there are all these new types of relationships, co-parenting, obviously, you know, same-sex relationships, and then there s our modern family.
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What do you call this?
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That s right, our constellation, our modern family, which is what we share.
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We just thought it d be really interesting because it also affects your intimate partner s relationships, the people you love most when you have a child, because it affects everything.
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And I was having a conversation with a dear friend of ours.
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He s a doctor, and his name is Dr. Stephen Cowan.
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And he s also a pediatrician.
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And he s dealt with thousands of children.
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He s really brilliant.
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He wrote a book called Water Child, Fire Child, I believe it is.
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And I was talking to him about this, and he s saying, Tony, you know, I see this happen in so many couples.
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He goes, having a child is like throwing a grenade into a relationship, because whatever you ve established gets blown apart as you start dealing with all these new pieces.
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So we thought it might be nice to
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you know, bring you not the answers, but a few of them.
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In fact, we even hesitated.
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We ve all talked about, you know, maybe we should wait till we do an entire course and wait till she s older.
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And, but you know, I ve got five kids and five grandkids.
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You ve all lived your lives with your family.
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And we have our daughter here of coaching three.
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We thought, well, why wait?
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Let s just share some of the principles.
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Not perfect.
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These are not like exact, but we think hopefully they ll be helpful for you.
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And, uh, in support of this, I m going to play the role of interviewer here since it s mother s day, it ll be mother s point of view.
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I don t keep my mouth shut.
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Cause I was, this ll go for hours now.
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You re laughing a little too hard on that one.
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Funny because it s true.
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Truth is truth.
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So, but so ironically, I went to both of these and I said, okay, I m going to be the interviewer.
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I m not going to do content here.
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You guys do that component because from other s point of view, I know we obviously share it because we ve worked together on these principles.
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But I said, would you guys please give me some questions that you d like me to ask that will set you up to answer what you want to share with.
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And neither one of them did any questions.
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But to be fair, this is real life.
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You have all your principles, and last night at midnight, we re having a blast.
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We re bouncing back and forth.
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What do you want to share?
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There s so much you want to share.
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And then the monitor goes off, and our daughter was throwing up.
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And so two moms went into full gear and went up there.
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And I just got to be the witness to it at all.
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And they just did their magic with her.
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And of course, she s
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Great today, everything s wonderful, but it s certainly created for an interesting night right before we went to do this, which seems totally appropriate and perfect.
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So having said that, welcome to the podcast, Sage Robbins, my Bonnie Pearl.
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Thank you, Tony Robbins.
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Welcome to the podcast, Mary Buckeye.
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Hi, Sage.
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Thank you, Tony.
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Love you guys.
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You re the two best moms I know, so when you think about conscious parenting,
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Define that for people, the way you perceive it, and also just give us some insight as to what s the purpose of it.
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Why be a conscious parent?
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What s the benefit?
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Why are we going about all this?
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Why are we putting so much time and energy into this besides raising our child?
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Well, you mentioned about a friend of ours, Jesse, and we were having a conversation with him the other day on Zoom.
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And we had mentioned that we were going to have this conversation here today in this podcast.
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And he s like a conscious parent.
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He said, I want to be a conscious parent.
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And he said, I don t even know what that means or what does that look like.
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And that really struck me.
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And the truth is, in order to be conscious, we re all unconscious in a moment.
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And I think that consciousness is really being awake in the moment to ourselves, because it s really the willingness to have self-awareness and self-reflection and self-responsibility so that we can bring our most present, connected self to the table.
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And so it s a privilege to be here.
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And thank you for all of you who are tuning in.
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Mary, thank you for being here.
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Tone, thank you for being here.
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Because I really believe that this is a way forward.
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You know, if you look at the generation before us, they had their gifts.
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They had their strengths.
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Here we are, you know, human beings making our way in the world.
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And yet there s always those iterations.
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And if I really look at fundamentally the
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core of conscious parenting, it s moving from a fear-based model to more of an awareness-based model.
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And so rather than, careful, watch out, don t do that.
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Honey, be mindful.
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And what s so extraordinary is our daughter now reflects that back to us.
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She always says, mommy, be mindful.
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And I find that just fascinating.
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Or the notion of punishment or positive discipline, holding a line.
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And so we re going to discuss that further.
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But really, the core of it, I really look at it, is really moving from a fear-based, I told you to do this, listen to me.
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And that s what that looks like.
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That s what that feels like.
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And you realize right away that what you say to her boomerangs right back, like in a hurry.
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So if you use the language of like, don t do this, don t do that.
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It s like, it s not long before tomorrow she s saying, mommy, don t do that.
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And, and it s like, okay, so you do, you really have to be what you want them to be because
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it ll come right back to bite you.
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It s true.
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It s true.
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So the difference between be careful versus mindful.
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Yes.
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Another way to think about it is, um, the level of stress is most people are in survival because in the beginning they re in a relationship with someone else and they re trying to figure that out, you know, and it s brand new.
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It s easy when it s brand new, right?
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It s all chemistry.
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And then all of a sudden all your triggers come up, all of your past histories.
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You have to work all that stuff out for those who are willing to do that and make that happen.
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And now you throw the grenade in of a child, and then most people at work, and I ve got my relationship, and there s a child, and what am I supposed to do? 
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And honey, you have great language on this.
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We were talking the other day.
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It s like, it s really about creating, you know, a beautiful human being.
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Maybe you can amplify a little bit about that.
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Well, I think that that s the ultimate outcome.
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You know, you can look at it from a binary perspective of, you know, a good human, raising a good human.
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That s a factor, but then it also presupposes that there s bad children.
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And that hasn t been my experience.
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I really feel that a true awakening is...
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creating an atmosphere, creating an environment that helps to foster children to actually live from their nature, which is beautiful.
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And so it s creating a collective awakening or a collective movement of raising beautiful human beings, internally beautiful.
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It s kindness, it s love, it s caring, it s their own sense of autonomy at the same time.
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feeling what other people feel.
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It s a desire to serve others.
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I think this leads to what I d like to do, which is to, if you think about this as not being stress-based, not being fear-based, not installing that in your child without meaning to, because kids don t listen to what we say.
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They do what we do.
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They demonstrate it.
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to, okay, more conscious awareness and it can be more enjoyable.
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And not everything s life and death.
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There s certain things you got to hold the line on.
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But one of the things I think is really important in life is that most of us who anyone s achieved anything knows, you rarely just bump into great ideas or great solutions.
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You ve got to pursue them.
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You have to say, what do I want?
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And we made decisions about what we wanted our child to be like and what kind of human we wanted to raise before we d ever met her, before she was born.
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Do you want to share a little bit of our list?
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Maybe both of you, but maybe you, Mary, remember?
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Yeah, and I think that that will benefit our listening audience, too, if you say, I don t have a child yet.
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If you re even thinking that someday you might become a parent or you might become partnered with someone who already has children.
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So however you might come into it, I don t think I necessarily knew that I was going to be a parent someday.
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Surprise.
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Yeah.
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You all had other plans.
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God had other plans.
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Yes.
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So here we are.
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But I remember this was like years ago, like over 10 years ago.
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So before I was ever, this was before I was ever even pregnant, you guys had conversations and we sat around and we made lists of, of what do we want?
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Like, what s the best, what do we want for this child?
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Almost like a values assessment of like what we want this child to be.
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And it s,
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You know, there s so much science to it, too, of, you know, that first kind of emotional stamp in your child s passport through genomics and things is the imprinting of the parents.
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And so whatever state the parents are in before conception, that s kind of, that funnels in.
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And of course it would, it stands to reason, because your environmental factors and the emotions that you need, you want to outfit your child with that so that they have those same survival skills that you do.
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I guess that s a long way of saying if you re even thinking about doing this, there s preparation to it of what do you want from your child?
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And because your state is their first stamp, who do I have to be then to become that parent that s fit to do this important job, perhaps the most important of all?
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And even if you already have a child, it s like deciding what do we really want this child to be, not just making it through the day, because it s so hard for people.
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We get caught up in making a living instead of designing our lives and helping, not designing our child s life.
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She s going to become this singer or dancer or writer.
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We re not talking about that.
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We re talking about the qualities, the core qualities.
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of a human being, this human being that is kind, that is loving.
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We made our long list ten years ago, and we just kept adding to it.
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It s like, we really want to make sure that she has an appreciation of God and the universe, and that she can be guided, she can have some intuition.
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We want to make sure that she feels like
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She s here to serve something more than herself.
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We don t want some kid who s like demanding, I m supposed to have this get, because we have a world of great abundance and it d be very easy for that to happen.
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I didn t grow up with that and I m grateful I didn t grow up with that.
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So what other, some of the pieces do you remember that we made our list for just off the top of your head?
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Because she s, the other day we were talking about this and she s, she s so much of almost everything we wrote down.
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Gosh, uh, that she d have a passion for learning.
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Yes.
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Uh, curiosity.
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And once again, I just, you know, uh, these, this was an intention.
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Yes.
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And, and I also just want to create just one, one preframe for those of you who are listening and possibly haven t listened to our earlier, uh, podcasts.
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Uh, I wasn t able to carry, uh, and had quite a 20 year journey to conceiving our, our, our daughter.
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And so Mary ended up carrying our daughter and then in turn became an adoptive parent.
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So those of you who are listening and wondering about this unique constellation.
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Who s Mary?
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Mary s the Airbnb.
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I just wanted to provide a frame for a moment in time.
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That s a good point if you re tuning in for the first time.
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Yes.
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And so, you know, so Tony, you were asking about, you know, her intention or our intention or, you know, the attributes
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the attributes of kindness, the attributes of thoughtfulness, that she would be in tune with her own joy, really, if I think about it all sums up to her being in touch with her own nature.
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Because as we re aligned with our highest self and our true nature, all these attributes flow out.
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And it s very organic for us to live from that place, coherent.
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You know, one who brings harmony to life, who s a blessing to life.
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I think that that s really the definition of being a beautiful human being.
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One who by their isness, their state of beingness, that they are a blessing.
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And she is everything and more.
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And it s so, and I say more,
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because just watching this little one walk into this existence, being all that she is, it s just, it s really humbling and it really schooled me.
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I think, you know, I probably had the same
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innocent or ignorance, I suppose, that believing, I don t know, that we were here to teach them everything.
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And what I really recognize is we re a puzzle piece.
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I think our greatest capacity to impact a child is by our own living that truth ourselves.
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But she s our mirror.
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She is utterly.
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And she s our spiritual teacher.
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Beyond.
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So I think that brings up the next question, which is language, right?
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Another principle of conscious parenting is being conscious of the impact of language.
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And you brought up earlier
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One of my favorite examples, which is instead of saying, watch out, be careful, be careful, be careful, which teaches the kid, oh my God, the world s a fearful place, to let s be mindful here, honey, we re going down the stairs, let s be mindful, we re going to, let s be mindful.
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And like you said, she tells us that now, which is even better.
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She tells neighbors that now.
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She s like, you need to be mindful here a little bit, but not careful and fearful.
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So let s talk about the power of language just for a moment, honey.
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This idea of experiencing versus judging.
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Because language plays a huge role in that.
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And so many people are trained good, bad, right, wrong.
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And then their whole life is they re constantly, it s hard to stay happy when everything is one or the other, right?
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When you play that game.
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Maybe you can share a little bit of how you look at the language of that and maybe, you know, share a little bit what we ve talked about the other day at the library.
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Oh my gosh.
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It was just two days ago that Mary and I went to the library and we went there for story time.
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And why didn t you share your experience?
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Because I found it to be quite remarkable.
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Well, it was.
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I mean, it s it s we re so lucky.
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It s this beautiful experience.
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We have a gorgeous public library here and the librarians are fantastic and they read at this time.
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I don t know how many children.
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There was a lot of children, parents and grandparents and
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Everybody brings their little blanket.
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It s just, it s adorable.
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And they re reading these books.
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So everything s just, it s just this gorgeous experience.
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But we noticed that some of the language in so many children s books, this particular one, the theme of all these six books that were being read by the librarian that day was a picnic.
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all these children s books, each one had some sort of picnic through line through them.
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And we noticed that not only was picnic the through line, but so was the weather.
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And, you know, universally when it was sunny outside, all the kids would say, okay, let s say it together.
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Hip hip hooray, hip hip hooray, it s sunny outside.
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And then, you know, the story progresses.
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It s a raindrop.
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Oh no.
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And we were sitting there like, is this really what
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Especially living in Florida, where the weather is going to change.
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If raining is bad and sunny is good, you just took out, depending on where you live, half your days, you know, of happiness.
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And it s imprinted on a child and no one has bad intent.
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But it s like, that s the lack of awareness that happens when we re just going with the flow.
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There s no such thing as good weather and bad weather.
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There s just the weather.
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That s the whole point of weather.
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But meanwhile, it just feels like it was like driving.
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And we were kind of chuckling to ourselves because it wasn t like once or twice.
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It was like a dozen times of like, it s sunny.
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Hooray.
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It s raining.
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Oh.
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And like the physiology of it too.
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Everyone was like, oh no.
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It s windy.
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Oh no.
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Is this the message that empowers our children?
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And I m not being like, the stories are cute.
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I get it.
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And
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just the awareness of, and everything is teachable, and everything in these little sponges is just being taken in.
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It s true.
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And you do that with other books that you read all the time, and we both read.
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We ll edit the book in our head sometimes when we re reading it out loud to her, because the message is one that s disempowering, and it s not meant to be, but it is for kids.
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And it s this zero to the five years in
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is the imprinting time.
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That is going to lit the foundation for most people s lives.
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And certainly you can change it later on.
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We re in the business of helping people do that.
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But it s certainly nice to not have that happen.
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And if you just become aware of it, it s not a negative judgment.
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It s just like, we don t need to make the world be one or the other because it s not like that.
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And if you can enjoy the sun, you can enjoy the rain.
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That s the beauty.
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I remember I went to Fiji one time and I was like, these people are so happy.
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Why are they so happy all the time?
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And so I sat down with this one old Fijian man and I said,
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How come Fijians are so happy?
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He goes, I think Fijians are the happiest people in the world.
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And he goes, of course, I ve never been anywhere else.
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Ha, ha, ha.
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And he goes, well, what makes you happy?
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He goes, oh, the sun makes us happy.
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I thought, oh.
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He goes, and the rain makes us happy.
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The dark makes us happy.
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I mean, we do 50 things that make me happy, and it s basically everything that happens in life.
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And if we re going to have someone be a beautiful human, we ve got to learn to appreciate whatever life brings us as opposed to judging it all.
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But you re beautiful at this, honey.
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You do this all the time with language, and you do it with books.
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Well, I mean, a couple of things.
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A lot of parents are quite surprised that when we put our daughter to bed that we don t put a light on.
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And yet here s what has amazed me and blown my mind about being a parent is being scared of the dark.
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I don t believe it s an intrinsic thing.
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It s, it s, it s, it s reflected, it s modeled.
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And, you know, so many books talk about, there s this one, you know, it rhymes, it would be like, you know, I don t even know, cause it kind of sounds like it, and so I don t want to necessarily call it out, but, you know, cat.
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Oh, I m, I m a terrible rhymer.
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I m not even going to go there.
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This is absolutely not working.
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All children s books seem to talk about, seem to instill a fear of the dark.
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You know, and I m not, Oh wow, I m scared without my mama.
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And you know, the dark s on and, or the dark and I don t want to be, it s like, what?
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I, that did not come out exactly like the book.
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And I was trying to filter.
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So it wasn t exactly the book, but it really, um, has schooled me the imprinting
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the imprinting of fear, the imprinting of that helplessness, the imprinting of labeling, labeling emotions, like how do we know what they re, I don t know what you re experiencing, I don t know what you re experiencing, you don t know what I m experiencing, unless we actually inquire
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So who are we to put a label when you talk about the power of language?
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If your child s having a wave or if they re feeling an emotion of some sort, who am I to say that that s anger?
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Even if it might look like anger, you know, Mary, you re always so mindful and in tune with our daughter, whether maybe she s having
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a wave of hunger or she s tired.
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And so if she, what appears to be a temper tantrum, it s like, hey Frick, you know what?
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We re like, you know, she didn t have a great snack or she didn t have a nap.
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And so I really feel like as a parent, sometimes it s stepping a hundred feet above and observing and including that information because that information helps us to be more compassionate.
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Yes.
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you know, rather than like, oh, wow, look at this child, they re just on the ground and throwing a fit, you know, whatever we would call that.
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It s like, gosh, you know what?
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They didn t have a nap today and they have an aid or a fuel.
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Somebody used a language with us once that was, get curious, not furious.
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And that stuck with me as a parent.
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What s going on with this kid?
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Instead of like, what the heck are you doing?
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Yes.
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And so being aware of what we identify rather than, honey, are you angry right now?
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Who am I to say that?
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And when you ask that, it becomes a natural go-to for them.
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And then pretty soon it s the habit because the language becomes a pattern of thinking and a pattern of emotion.
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And we just don t realize that.
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But if you become conscious with your children, you become conscious with yourself.
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The first gift is you.
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You being aware of it yourself, because so much of what we have imprinted is, right, you re on good, bad, I feel terrible versus I feel good, you know?
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So I think it s, like we said earlier, these principles work for any age, and they really start with us, and then they get reflected in our children.
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You re bringing up another piece, which is
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Because a lot of the language that kids pick up also is from the stimulus they receive.
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Our whole brains are controlled by the stimulus.
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There s studies done at Harvard where they take cats and put them in a room with nothing but horizontal lines and their brains formulate a certain way and they can t see vertical lines.
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They ll bump right into something that s vertical and vice versa.
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Well, we ve all three decided and agreed that
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we don t want overstimulation, and there are many other terms you can run through them, but we don t want our kid, you know, she doesn t watch television, we don t, she doesn t have a, you know, go through YouTube, she doesn t have an iPad, and it s not trying to limit her, but once a week we might watch something and we pick something that we know is wholesome and maybe has great music, you know, Mary Poppins or Sound of Music, you know, that type of thing, and she gets to have those pieces.
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But talk a little bit, if you would, honey, about
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where we are as a society and how that affects kids and how that affects the behavior of kids that many people misinterpret as bad behavior.
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Yes.
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Well, we re all doing the best we can.
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Yes, for sure.
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And I see the innocence of, like, frick, what am I going to do with this child?
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Okay, I ll put on a movie, or I ll give them an iPad, or I ll give them my phone because it entertains them.
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It distracts them.
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But another thing it does, what I ve observed anyways, is I think there s a tendency to almost overstimulation.
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A lot of parents, it s like, it s a reality trying to deal with their life and fulfill it.
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My kid s busy for a month.
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We all know what that feels like though too.
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When she s having a nap, it s like, she have a nap.
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Okay, we can do this right now.
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One of my favorite moments of the day.
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I mean, nobody speaks about that, but when she goes to bed, I m like, wow.
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We high five.
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It s true.
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And so you re looking for your- It s a big deal.
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So I just want everybody to know, it s not like we re sitting around pontificating how you should be.
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We have the reality as well, and we ve got the three of us working on this project.
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But it s important to understand that all this is a stimulus and they pick it up.
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So one example is there s a great, I think Disney made the film, The Elements.
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Is it a Disney piece?
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Elemental, yeah.
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Elemental.
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And I don t know if you ve seen the film, but it s
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cartoon, but it s so well done and it s adults can watch and enjoy it.
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But for example, there s a main character, there s this fireside little girl and she falls in love with a water boy.
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And, but in the beginning, she s like, I don t love you.
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I don t this, I don t that.
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And kids want to watch these things over and over and over again, hundreds of times, you know, the same thing.
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And they take something from it.
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And our daughter started saying, I don t love you.
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She, and it was like, where did that come from?
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It came from that
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Like verbatim from the scene.
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And even the tone of her voice was the same tone.
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So I think it s really critical not to be over-controlling, but to understand, at least in these early stages, because you re also robbing them of their creativity.
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She has an amazing imagination.
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She loves to draw and write.
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She learns languages.
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She s got three languages she s learning.
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She s learning math.
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But she has creativity.
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She s able to do things that
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when she watches, nothing else is in the world.
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She s completely there, and that s the only world.
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And we all know what that s like.
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It s a nice escape for a lot of people.
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But at this stage of development, you don t want to lose the muscle of creativity and the muscle of imagination that actually produces joy and happiness.
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What s your view?
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Well, I think it s from kind of the Rudolf Steiner
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The Waldorf school style, but the whole full on... I think, this could be wrong, but it s the idea that the more active the toy, the more passive the child.
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And the more passive the toy, the more active the imagination of the child.
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So you give that... Why does Montessori or whatever it is, Waldorf, have these basically just wooden blocks of toys?
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Because the child has to be more active when it s just scroll, scroll, glazed trance.
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It s like, yeah, because there s so much activity happening, all they have to do is just like stare.
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And then there goes your imagination.
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They need that then.
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It becomes like an addiction like anything else, like you see so many adults addicted to social media.
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It s true.
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It s like scrolling becomes the way of being and it s really, you re nothing wrong with it, but for a child it s brain dead because they haven t had the time to develop or face challenges and things of that nature.
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And it also, what really has struck me as well watching our daughter is because the toys are very humble.
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Like you said, you know, they re maybe wooden or just simple painted faces or even none.
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Sometimes they re faceless.
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But it fosters a space where imagination just becomes so
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extraordinary.
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And so listening to what she s perceiving, what she s imagining, and sometimes I m like, wow, I mean, I ll look at what she s playing with and the whole conversation and where they re going and what they re doing and, you know, she ll have cars and things and it s just
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It s just, it s so, with no cars, you know?
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And so I really feel it creates a space for one s own innate curiosity, intelligence, creativity becomes invited to the experience and to what they re doing.
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As opposed to turned off by something that automatically just takes over.
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I m thinking about specifically the time just came to mind when all there was were straws, like aluminum straws, or, you know, the reusable straws that we have that she had found in a drawer.
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And the three of us were galloping, TV was off, there were no toys.
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And we had these straws that were horses.
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And we were galloping around on our straws, all three of us.
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Her favorite thing is, guys, guys, here s what we re going to do.
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And then she tells us what to do.
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And we re all galloping
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in the living room.
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The fun was the straw.
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I said to her, I said, what are you going to do?
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And she goes, I m going to show you, I m going to direct you what to do.
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No, she said, I m going to tell you when to stop.
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I m going to tell you when to stop.
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That s right.
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Which I love for her.
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That s her in a nutshell.
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But her creativity and imagination is so alive, and it helps with learning.
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Because learning really is making new connections, right?
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So it s not a little thing.
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It s a big thing.
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And I understand, because it s like, boy, it s an easy tool to say, I can buy some time.
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My kid s watching this.
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But especially the zero to five time, all the studies show that it is probably the worst time for you to let that happen.
3
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And if you ve done it, I understand it was probably survival, but maybe it s something to consider.
3
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Think we do it less.
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Could we limit it?
3
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Could we do it like we have a rules, like only on the weekend.
3
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And then we watch a short little bit of a show.
3
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Let s talk about autonomy.
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You know, one of the most important things to me with adults with anybody is their sense of.
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owning themselves of who they are, not being just influenced by the outside world.
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We re all concerned our kids would be by others, and they will be no matter what we do to some extent.
3
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But as human beings, to think critically, to think for yourself, to make your own choices.
3
SPEAKER_02
This is critical.
3
SPEAKER_02
Can you talk a little bit about the offering of options and choices and how that shapes autonomy?
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I mean, that s one of the things I m most happy with our daughter besides her loving, kind nature and wanting to give is that she s decisive.
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SPEAKER_02
I mean, it s probably because I m projecting.
3
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If I have a skill, it s my ability to make decisions.
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Most people just can t do that because they want to have the perfect decision or they want the decision that they re guaranteed to be successful.
3
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They want to fail.
3
SPEAKER_02
But if you can t make decisions, you can t really have your own life.
3
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You re just going to be following everybody else.
3
SPEAKER_02
She is her own self.
3
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Whoever she goes, she s herself.
3
SPEAKER_02
She s loving, but she s herself.
3
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And that s one of the things I m most excited about for her foundation.
3
SPEAKER_02
Can you talk a little about the principle of offering options and how you use that in a practical way?
3
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Yes.
3
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Well, if you think of walking in and your partner s there, or your family member s there, and you re like, do this.
3
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I m telling you, go do this right now.
3
SPEAKER_01
Maybe, what does it, does it create flow?
3
SPEAKER_01
Or would that create resistance?
3
SPEAKER_01
It s the same thing.
3
SPEAKER_01
Once again, the old way is, it s like a Putin style.
3
SPEAKER_01
No, maybe that s not.
3
SPEAKER_00
Delete that.
3
SPEAKER_00
Who s parenting?
3
SPEAKER_00
Can we say that?
3
SPEAKER_00
No, leave it.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s fine.
3
SPEAKER_01
All right.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so it is, which is more of a dictating.
3
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Do this.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_01
Because I told you so.
3
SPEAKER_01
You go do that.
3
SPEAKER_01
And these little children, they ll do it because they re being told to do it, and maybe even a little bit of fear.
3
SPEAKER_00
Or not.
3
SPEAKER_01
Or not.
3
SPEAKER_01
True.
3
SPEAKER_01
So you have the pushback of the temper tantrum, or let me be obedient to you.
3
SPEAKER_01
But there s another way, which is providing a choice.
3
SPEAKER_01
And here s the remarkable thing.
3
SPEAKER_01
You re providing choices or options, I suppose, that help to guide them in a certain direction.
3
SPEAKER_01
And providing context.
3
SPEAKER_01
I m trying to think of an example, but maybe if it s- I got one.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay, great.
3
SPEAKER_00
One of the first ones that we learned were, it s usually come from a failure of like, go over there, go eat dinner, go to the dinner table.
3
SPEAKER_00
And when that doesn t work, when they don t, then it s like, do you want to walk?
3
SPEAKER_00
Do you want to skip?
3
SPEAKER_00
Do you want to hop?
3
SPEAKER_00
Or do you want me to carry you over there?
3
SPEAKER_00
You pick.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then all of a sudden it s like, there she goes.
3
SPEAKER_00
But if it s just get over there, get your tush over there, forget it.
3
SPEAKER_01
True.
3
SPEAKER_01
That s a great one.
3
SPEAKER_01
Or if it s, if you re going to go to bed at night and you know,
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t want to go to bed.
3
SPEAKER_01
And it s like, okay, honey, well, uh, what would you like to do for five minutes?
3
SPEAKER_01
Oh, I want to play.
3
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so then if she s like, you know, I don t, well, honey, how many minutes?
3
SPEAKER_01
So sometimes she ll say this many minutes and I ll say, okay, how about this many minutes?
3
SPEAKER_01
And then after five minutes, we re going to go up to bed.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so you re providing choices that enables them to
3
SPEAKER_01
choose to use their own intelligence, to be a part of the process and the ecosystem and the decision-making, and it turns down the volume of a lot of resistance.
3
SPEAKER_01
Usually so.
3
SPEAKER_01
And now, of course, they re going to have their waves, just like we as adults have waves, but choice provides independence.
3
SPEAKER_01
It provides a space for them to use their own mind and to be able to create their life.
3
SPEAKER_01
And for them to be able to create their life rather than old way is, get up there, we re going to brush our teeth.
3
SPEAKER_01
So say if she doesn t want to brush her teeth in the morning, it s like, okay, well, would you prefer, would you like to get dressed or brush your teeth first?
3
SPEAKER_01
Those two choices.
3
SPEAKER_01
Wow.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know what I mean?
3
SPEAKER_01
Whatever it looks like.
3
SPEAKER_01
Well, I want to go, let s get dressed.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so I m doing a poor job of examples.
3
SPEAKER_00
Or even like laying out her clothes and saying, which one do you want to choose?
3
SPEAKER_00
Every day she picks.
3
SPEAKER_02
She has two choices and she picks one of them and she owns it, you know?
3
SPEAKER_02
And she s, I picked it, you know?
3
SPEAKER_02
And you often say, well, what should I do?
3
SPEAKER_02
You often let her pick for you too.
3
SPEAKER_01
There s a body of work, a woman by the name of Magda Gerber, who s brilliant.
3
SPEAKER_01
She is a, I believe she was a Hungarian woman, and her whole notion was respectful care.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so just like I wouldn t walk by and pick you up or, you know, shake you up, same thing.
3
SPEAKER_01
You ve tried.
3
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_01
Honey, mom s gonna pick you up right now.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so you re informing them along the way.
3
SPEAKER_01
Narrating along the way, so it s not a shock.
3
SPEAKER_01
And waiting for a response, she teaches.
3
SPEAKER_02
You guys are both really great at it.
3
SPEAKER_02
We ve all learned to do that, but you re both really great at that.
3
SPEAKER_02
How do you deal with these big waves of emotion?
3
SPEAKER_02
Because you re both extraordinarily good at it.
3
SPEAKER_02
I think every parent needs to understand those giant emotions happen.
3
SPEAKER_02
How do you deal with them?
3
SPEAKER_01
We spoke about it earlier.
3
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We re mindful not to label it, not to assume.
3
SPEAKER_01
And pretty much a lot of times, say if our daughter was on the ground and she was sobbing or really crying, I ll just put my hand on her back and I ll say, mom s here.
3
SPEAKER_01
Let me know how I can support you.
3
SPEAKER_01
And sometimes, no, you know, like maybe she, you know, and so then you, once again, if you were having a big wave, you understand you re creating space for that, for the moment.
3
SPEAKER_01
Sometimes she might say, I want an ice pack.
3
SPEAKER_01
And it s like, okay, great.
3
SPEAKER_01
I ll get you an ice pack.
3
SPEAKER_01
What is really blows my mind is actually.
3
SPEAKER_01
The very practical things that she comes up with that would actually support her in the moment.
3
SPEAKER_01
If all else fails, just the other night this happened, there was a real acute wave and, you know, she was just really not grounding in the moment.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so I said to her, I said, you know, rather than saying, let s go outside.
3
SPEAKER_01
I said, Mom s considering to go outside and take a big breath to the moon.
3
SPEAKER_01
Would you like to join me?
3
SPEAKER_01
OK, she said.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so we went outside and we sat on a chair and I said, OK, let s take a breath.
3
SPEAKER_01
Mom s going to let s breathe way up to the moon.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so we took a big breath.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so I m joining in the regulation, which I find very helpful actually in those moments.
3
SPEAKER_00
You re the calm in her emotional storm.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yes, exactly, Mary.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I find that by offering those choices,
3
SPEAKER_01
I m self-regulating.
3
SPEAKER_01
I m finding my breath.
3
SPEAKER_01
And to gamify it, Mary, I have to really acknowledge you because you come up with amazing games and tools that you ll connect, whether it s- You mean my broccoli or mac and cheese game?
3
SPEAKER_00
Broccoli or mac and cheese?
3
SPEAKER_00
Close your eyes.
3
SPEAKER_00
Close your eyes and guess which one goes in your mouth.
3
SPEAKER_00
That was great.
3
SPEAKER_00
That was so creative.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it works, so she loves it.
3
SPEAKER_00
She eats more broccoli now.
3
SPEAKER_00
She does.
3
SPEAKER_01
She does.
3
SPEAKER_01
And the other day she was like,
3
SPEAKER_01
I was feeding her and she was like, do what mommy does.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I m like, what the frick does mommy do?
3
SPEAKER_01
And she was like telling me to close my eyes, but I didn t realize that the game was she closed her eyes and then putting a bite in and guess.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I m like, damn, this is a great game.
3
SPEAKER_01
Cause she s like house and food.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I m like.
3
SPEAKER_02
She s very proud that you got the right answer.
3
SPEAKER_01
But once again, and I just want to mention this because you know, a lot of times in a family,
3
SPEAKER_01
We re parenting, I ve noticed this, we re parenting
4
SPEAKER_02
a lot from our own conditioning.
4
SPEAKER_02
And so being a parent as we parent ourselves, it s a, it s an unlearning of, well, it s two things.
4
SPEAKER_02
It s noticing what worked and then it s noticing, but possibly that you can do kinder or maybe more efficiently or more with more awareness or more benevolence.
4
SPEAKER_02
And so it s, you know, sometimes I ll hear myself and I m like, Oh my gosh, that was my mom.
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That was my dad, or I ll see myself in a circumstance, and I ll look at it, and I m like, wow, isn t that beautiful?
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And then there s things that it s like, hey, do you know what?
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In this moment in time, I might do differently.
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And so that s just the gift.
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We were speaking about how our children are our mirrors, but so is the co-parent, whether it be a dad or a mom or whatever that looks like in your family constellation or a step-parent.
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If we re not judging them, you can learn from them.
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And so I love to, I observe both of you, and I learned so much of different ways of a through line that I absolutely would have not considered.
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So it s almost like going back at the back of the book of what do you notice?
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Yeah.
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Notice from your partner, notice from if you know you re in the family or your daughter or your son or your grandparent or the stepparent, what are they doing if they re getting a different response than you?
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What are they doing different?
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And I study you both all the time.
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I study you both all the time.
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Mary, I want to find out, how are you like your mother, the way she would have judged your mother before?
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Tell me, what are some things you thought as a child would be there, but now you see them and it s almost humorous, but you see how important they are within perspective.
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It s like, and this also, this also is a place where when we talk about like parenting is really like, it s, it s about you first.
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Like it s, it s not your kid.
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Like first you have to do enough work on yourself because, and even if you don t have a child, it s like, um,
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when Esther Perel spoke at our relationship conference and she has that kind of...
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famous opening line now, tell me how, tell me how you were loved and I ll show you how you love now, present day as an adult.
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And so we re watching each other s conditioning, like you mentioned Sage, like it s, we have so much conditioning from our parents, caregivers, whoever that that s, it s just eyeopening to be like, why do I do that?
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And then like Esther teaches and it s, she frames it as intimacy.
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And I mean that as, because of course this family dynamic, whatever yours looks like,
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It s very, it s a very intimate experience and she simplifies it with the, it s like five words that she used verbs and it s like, ask, I m going to get this wrong, but maybe we could put it on after, ask,
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Take, give, receive, refuse, share, play.
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I think that s all of them.
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But even like, are you giving your child a chance to ask for what they want?
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Or are you like, here s some water, here s a snack, make sure you got your jacket.
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Like, do you even give them a chance to ask?
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And identify their own needs even, that s what comes out of it, right?
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Yes.
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Right.
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I see how my mom loved me and how I, in turn, smother our daughter.
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Exactly the same way.
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And so it s, you know, I come by it honestly.
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But when you become the awareness I ve watched, we see some of the wisdom in the way we were raised, you know, that we couldn t have appreciated then.
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And you also see there are new ways, there are ways to update based on being aware and being conscious.
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I just want to emphasize what you said, honey, about the managing and I love the term wave.
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You came up with that, utilizing it with our daughter.
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It s not, she s being angry, not being sad, she s not being frustrated.
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She s having a wave.
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And you describe that in yourself sometimes, you know, I m just having a wave.
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And the great thing about having a wave is that it has a beginning and an end.
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It s over.
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It doesn t last forever, right?
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And you know that.
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It presupposes that.
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But you also are so good at what mindfulness really is.
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Mindfulness is also bringing you back into this moment.
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All the upset is usually people s fear of losing something they want or
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losing what they have or not getting what they want.
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And that s true for children as much as it is for adults.
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And the way you do that is like, you ll take her outside.
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It s like, let s take a breath.
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Like you said, look at the moon.
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It s like coming back to this moment is a huge part of that.
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And you both are brilliant at that.
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I want to bring up the matching of energies because this is the lesson for me.
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because I m so quiet and gentle and I have a hard time expressing my true emotions.
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So our daughter is very energetic, as both of you are, but very energetic.
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And so when somebody comes in the room very often, she s so talkative and talkative, you never know.
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She s quiet and she stares, but she really stares into people and she feels them.
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She doesn t just, she takes in their energy and so forth.
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And so early on, I had to come in and learn how to just tone my energy down because even clapping,
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Like I m around an environment where everybody s clapping.
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Everything s there.
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It s loud.
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And I think it was like, no, don t clap and all these things.
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So the other day we had an experience, for example, in my case, and I like to talk about the principle.
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Um, so we were, uh, you know, in the theater room and we built a fort, built a fort with her and she loves to be a, she calls boo monster pillow monster.
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And she likes to boo and surprise.
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And we re going back and forth and I m reaching in and teasing her and surprising her.
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We re having a blast.
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And then we needed to go to the kitchen for something or what it was and
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She got off the bed so fast that I was looking all over the place.
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This room, this room.
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I looked down the hall.
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She wasn t there, but she just got there that fast.
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So I finally got to the kitchen, and she wasn t looking, so I went and went and booed behind her.
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Same thing I was doing just a few seconds ago.
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And I was like, oh no, the minute I did it, she just froze first, and then her eyes started to weld up, and then she went around the corner and left and went over by you.
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And her lip began to unfold and touch her toes.
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And I m like, oh my god, you know, I didn t match her energy.
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I wasn t conscious of matching her energy.
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So I went around the corner and I got on my knees down at her level and I said, honey, I love you so much, but daddy apologized.
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I m so sorry.
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I didn t mean to surprise you here because children, it s like, that s over.
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She s in a new context so fast.
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It s a different energy so fast.
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And if you re busy doing what you re doing, you ll have an impact on your child.
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Sometimes not even know what it is.
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So I did have an apology.
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I want to talk about the importance of apology.
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But one other thing I talked to, um, to our friend, Dr. Steven Cowan about this.
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And he said, I said, how could I do that better?
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Cause I m always trying to learn.
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And he said, what you did was amazing.
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Most parents do not apologize.
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He said, that s wonderful.
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Except the only thing I changed is one thing.
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You did nothing wrong.
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He said, it s okay to apologize, but then come back after she s reset.
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It won t take long, which I did do.
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And, but when I came back, I just ignored it.
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Right.
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He goes, come back and you can draw the connection for her.
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And you can say, honey, we re laughing and everything else.
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Say, look how great we re feeling.
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Just a few minutes ago, we re feeling that way, but look, we re already feeling good again.
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Isn t that amazing?
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And it teaches her that she can self-regulate.
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It connects the two.
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So the next time it doesn t seem like as big a deal, but I d like you to talk about matching energies.
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Both of you, you re both phenomenal at it.
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And I d like to talk about apologies and you re the master of apologies in that area and why that s so important.
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So for matching energies, it s once again, it s just awareness as we re entering a space.
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Say if I m entering the kitchen and maybe Mary, you re there with her and you know, rather than just, which by the way, I ve done both.
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So when you become conscious, you learn by being unconscious because of the information that life offers you or your family offers you.
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But I can think back to a moment in time where maybe I just entered the kitchen and I entered quickly and maybe you guys were at the table.
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And she s like, mom, no, go away.
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And so, and by the way, there was a lot of that.
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And so there was a lot of self-reflection.
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I really reflected to take a look at, okay, what may I be contributing to this?
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And part of that was just maybe going into the kitchen and to go grab, making it up, a cup of coffee or to go eat something.
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And so I walked in, maybe in a transition from work or something, and I wasn t including the space.
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I wasn t including what were they experiencing.
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What were they already experiencing?
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And so just for parents that are out there and you know, if your husband or your wife or your mother or the caregiver or your step parent or whatever, they re in a space and having a moment with your child and you re entering, just be mindful.
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I really look to, I can t say I count, but I look to have a solid maybe 30 seconds.
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I don t even know how long it is, maybe 10 seconds, 20 seconds.
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before I will even speak at this stage, to just observe.
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And truthfully, a lot of times I ll look now for our daughter to say, hi, mom, rather than me being like, hey guys, what are you doing?
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You feel the difference?
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If she s engaged in something.
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Yes, if she s engaged in something.
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Because she also gets totally engaged where she is.
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That s one of the great skills, if she like is there completely.
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And it s a disruption otherwise, no matter who it is.
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And it s the same respect that you would give to an adult.
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If you were in a space and really prepping on something and I walked in, I might see that and be like, okay, I ll come back.
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Or I might leave a glass of water there and I might not even say anything.
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I might just look to be thoughtful.
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And I might exit the space until you have a moment to catch your breath.
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So it s, it s really treating children like you would want to be treated yourself and having an awareness of that, uh, which I ve been both, I ve been blind and, uh, have really tuned myself to be aware of the context, be aware of
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What are they up to?
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And then just look to catch a glance that it s like, hi, where there s that intrinsic connection.
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And I find that that s less interruptive, therefore less resistance.
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Because there s a dynamic that we can speak about at some point, but it kind of goes into no mom, where there s usually a parent in the family from their own conditioning or maybe from their own nature
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where they ll hold a line more naturally.
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And then maybe a parent that s more flex flow or more playful, you could call it.
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And so that, or maybe it s a dad that works late at night and he comes home and so he s bringing more of a playful energy and people even have a label for it.
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Maybe it s like Disneyland dad or whatever.
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And so the child will relate to that parent differently.
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And so there s all these nuances.
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And by the way, those patterns are a moment in time.
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It s not a permanent fixed reality, because at a different stage, a different phase, it calls out different parts of us, of the parent and as well the child.
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But it has been such an extraordinary... Being a parent is the most humbling thing I ve ever done.
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It s the most extraordinary... That s the most spiritual growth.
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Oh, my word.
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Like it just... Anyone can go and meditate and pray.
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Try it when you got the skin here.
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Rips your heart wide open, takes you to your knees, breaks your heart into a million pieces in the most beautiful... And I don t mean break, I mean break open.
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Yes, break open.
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Break open.
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And so there s just been...
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If I really look at it, it s been an incredible amount of self-reflection and something else that I really look to do, and I m just inviting the listeners, if you know you re in a relationship or in your family unit, to go and say, hey, is there anything that you noticed?
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Because a lot of times, you know, somebody else from the outside will see what you don t see.
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Yes.
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And I really have a desire to be the best version of myself, and I certainly don t have all the answers.
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And so I ll go and I ll say like, honey, like, what did I miss there?
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Or, Mary, what am I missing?
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Please help me, enlighten me.
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Because I m feeling stuck, or I m feeling blind, or I don t understand why I m getting this response.
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And I want to serve her.
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I want to serve you.
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I want to serve you.
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And so rather than being mad about it, there s another choice.
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Invite the feedback.
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Cause that s how we grow.
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And I have found that to be, by the way, I m asking all the time, I m asking all the time, Hey, any suggestions?
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What might you see that I m not seeing?
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Cause I, um, can completely go blind in a moment in time.
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And it s beautiful that when we come together and we discuss these things as a family, like a team, like what s going on, what do we see?
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What s new.
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And then having like, maybe talk about the card of the week, you know, the focus that we have, you know, on something that we re going to improve.
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So it doesn t make them overwhelming.
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you have offered, like, it s also an art to, if your partner asks or your co-parent or whoever it is asks, like, what am I missing?
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How you deliver that in a way that they can hear it and it doesn t feel so critical that I walk away feeling like I m the worst mother in the world and I m a terrible person.
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And so we ve come up with a way of
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getting through to each other, I think, because this is a unique constellation.
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And so you had this idea that we would have an index card, and we d just write, like there s so many things to remember, it feels like, and the kid, it s like, and you master it, and it works one day, and then the next day, it s like a different kid, because they grew right through that already.
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So it s like, great, thanks, thanks.
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I m glad I figured that out right before time expired.
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But it s like, so with all these things floating around, we ve decided, okay, just one thing, one thing this week I could get better at.
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I need to focus on this one thing.
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I read it on an index card.
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So like for one example, you had offered to me, yeah, I noticed like you re meeting many of her demands.
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rather than holding the line.
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And so I might just write on my index card, this week, the only thing that I m really going to try to catch myself and get so present with is, am I meeting this two-year-old s demand for everything that she asked for?
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And it s like, oh, I hear it.
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I hear it because it s like, if I just have this one thing,
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then that s all I can take sometimes, you know, with the world that we live in.
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But when you do that for a week, you get a new habit, and then you feel mastery of it, and then you can add another one.
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And it s not overwhelming.
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It s like baby steps to some extent, but it s like, there s so much spokes on this conversation.
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If you found it helpful, some of these principles and strategies, like I m, you can see, I take notes.
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I take notes.
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Like when I was first starting a relationship with you, you remember you,
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She s driving me crazy.
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That s what that means to you.
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That s what it means to women.
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I m writing it down and stuff, figuring it out.
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But I ve done that here with us as well.
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We do it together.
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And I think it s, it s so valuable to be able to continue to find those insights and also have the wins of what can happen when you focus on one thing.
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We try to focus on it all.
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It can be completely overwhelming.
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And may I just echo that?
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Just one consideration.
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I don t even know if it s better.
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Once again, it s just, it s not necessarily about becoming better.
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It s just this one card.
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Just bring your awareness to that.
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Just bring your awareness because through awareness,
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Life changes.
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So it s not even so much like, gosh, I m doing something bad or I need to become a better parent.
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It s just, okay, I m going to, you gave me the reversal or not reversal, but the cue card that you offered me was to be more kinesthetic and more physical.
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And you know, I had a couple injuries and nevermind, I had this child at 50.
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Hello, I see why people have children in their 20s and 30s.
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What the heck?
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You put her in their crib and I m going to do my structural exercises.
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I need a back brace.
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I m not being 64.
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Come on.
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It s legit.
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What the heck?
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And so it s like, you know, be more kinesthetic, more physical.
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I m like, oh, okay, great.
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Easy for you.
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As I m like hitting the gym now, lifting more weights to get stronger for her.
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But it was really great because it s one thing, Mary, that you really do is like you ll, you know, you re physical, you ll pick her up and twirl her around.
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And I had to, you know, I have found that
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space of relating.
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And it s been so beautiful for us.
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And by the way, when I first did it, she was like, mom, what are you doing?
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And I m like, well, great.
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And so once again, I had to dial it.
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I had to tune myself.
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I had to find what that felt honest for me, what that felt not over... It didn t feel cellophane, because I did that too.
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Sometimes I tried to be more playful, to be more playful like you, Mary.
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And that felt insincere inside of me.
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And yet I m a very playful person.
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And so it was finding, it s finding that space inside yourself or, you know, it s like, you know, with your card, Mary, like not meeting the demand, being aware of that.
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And then, you know, you might meet the odd one.
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There might be a touch of flexibility to it, but you re aware of it.
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And so you re not meeting everyone.
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Cause if you were meeting the demand, if you think about it, we can t demand anything from life.
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It s not like, hey, God, give me this.
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I m going to cry and throw a temper tantrum if I don t get it.
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Life doesn t work that way.
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Unfortunately, there are many kids that have been raised that way that are now adults, right?
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And I think
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this is one of the most important principles of our culture.
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You know, for several decades, the culture changed and the mindset, it s all about constantly complimenting your kid, getting the trophy for participating and so forth.
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But Dr. Dweck s work at Stanford has shown why that has not worked.
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What it does is when you tell somebody they re great and they re beautiful and they re perfect all the time,
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then eventually they get out in the real world and they find out the rest of the world doesn t agree with that.
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And when that s true, then all of a sudden they lose confidence and those very people are not willing to initiate anything new.
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And you see kids today that have a hard time even communicating unless it s through text, something they can control.
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They don t know how to go to a job interview and have it today.
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I m not exaggerating.
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I m sure you ve read some of the articles.
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I know we ve shared some of them back and forth.
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So I think it s critical that Dweck s whole thing is reinforcing a child for effort.
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Because if I keep efforting, if I keep going through, if I keep making progress, I m going to get to what I want and I m going to get the skills in it.
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It s a growth mindset versus a fixed mindset.
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And I think we ve done a really good job with our daughter in that area.
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But I think it s one of the most important things is not meeting their needs or you create a little terrorist.
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And I think most parents is like, they get exhausted and they just give in.
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And that s so true to me.
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I look at it as, as, as dad and, you know, daddy and father.
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You know, daddy is more play, do all those things.
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And father is like, I mean, make tough choices, even when she s not gonna be happy with it.
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And you ve said to me, I don t want you doing that just yet, you know, cause I don t want, and I understand there s a time for everything, but I ve watched both of you and I really want to compliment you.
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You ve had more of the, what I would call the mom role where it s like holding the line initially.
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And Mary was more.
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of like the playful one for it.
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And as a result, you know, the energy was going in one direction and that felt difficult for me, very difficult for you, unbelievably painful, difficult situation.
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Most people never deal with consciously without blaming partners.
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And none of that happened here.
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It was difficult, but you push through, but now there s more mommy in you and mom.
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And there s more mom in you and mommy.
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In fact, even so we usually use mom for you and mommy for you.
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And I ve been confused.
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I ve actually, for the first time called you mom and called you mommy.
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And it s a beautiful thing because it s also you, both of you expressing all the parts of you to our daughter, giving her all those parts in a different way.
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And it s made everything closer.
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It s, I just can t thank you enough and compliment you both enough for it, especially you Pearl Sage, because it s, it was an incredibly difficult situation to be truthful.
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And isn t that why we come together, is to claim the parts of ourselves that we re not?
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That s right.
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And yes, I mean, for those of you who are on your path to desiring to become a parent, my own journey was, it was a long journey.
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There was a lot of miscarriages and then I was told that I d never be able to carry.
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I was told that it would be like less than one in a million chance that we would ever even, you know, be able to have a child.
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And so being here now, it s so different than I ever imagined it would be.
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It s more beautiful than I ever imagined it would be.
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And as well, it was...
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revealing of, I don t know, it s like anything, there s no hiding.
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There s no hiding inside yourself.
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There s no placating.
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It s just this stripped, wide, open space of such a level of honest feedback.
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And so if our daughter was offering, mom, no, you know, whatever,
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I want mommy or whatever that dynamic way, however that looked or expressed in the moment, I could say, I could look at our daughter, I could look at you.
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I found it easier to look at myself.
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And to, that s really where the whole, because of that opportunity or that disconnect or that schism, and I ll say inside myself, that s what actually led us on this path.
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We are having this conversation with you right now because of that resistance.
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We created the practice of coming together to have team parenting meetings that we get together maybe once every two weeks, maybe once a month, maybe once every six weeks, and we discuss, you know, ideas.
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And we discuss what s working, what isn t working, and then we ll, you know, utilize those practices.
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Because a lot of times what I really recognized is if I had a suggestion or a consideration
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It s not heard if you wouldn t hear it or you wouldn t hear it if I was in the moment and feeling my own wave of my stuff being hit, of feeling her resistance with me.
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So I recognize to have space and time from there to be able to have a team parenting meeting that we could come together in the name of our daughter.
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And it s really about us.
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It s really about our own awareness.
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Once again, being a conscious parent, I really believe it begins with parenting ourselves.
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and schooling ourselves and claiming responsibility ourselves, and then bringing that awareness and bringing that love to the table.
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And it s not a blame game.
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It s not blaming yourself or blaming anybody else.
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Responsibility is the ability to respond, but you can only do that if you become aware.
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Yes.
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And honey, you ve done that so incredibly well, and we re on the other side of it now.
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It feels like a different world, but it required both of you and all three of us to find different parts of ourself to bring to the table and continue to strive.
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And I don t even know if it s accurate to say we re on the other side of it.
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It means something different today.
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Yes.
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Well, it s a lot less often.
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Let s put it that way.
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And we have different practices.
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And the practices of the cue card, I have found.
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I m curious what you re going to write to me.
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But what s so beautiful, what else I recognize, is on our journey, whether it s our own spiritual path or parenting, because really it s one and the same, you can read a book and have so many principles, but you know one thing.
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You know, just notice, be aware of this one thing.
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Because it s one, you know, you talked, Tony, about a two millimeter shift.
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It is those slight shifts that really shifts that space and that dynamic.
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And quite remarkable.
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I d love to talk just as we wrap up about positive intent, because in our relationship, meaning all of our relationships between the three of us, and also the people that are part of our chosen family, business relationships, one of the great gifts we have is we don t question the intent.
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We know even if something looks bad on the outside, if somebody s acting stressed or seeming upset or angry or sad or whatever it is,
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The behind it is a positive intent.
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They re just trying to do something and they re not getting where they need to be or what it is.
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We know we re not trying to ever hurt each other.
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And that s so important because that s where relationships get destroyed.
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You can question a lot, but if you question the intent, you pretty much destroy it.
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Because if someone really does care, really does love, and you question their intent,
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that s the thing that will really do damage.
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But I think we, most people don t do with adults, but also with kids, it s different.
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And so, um, I think maybe we can discuss a little bit about not deciding, you know, what the intent of your child is.
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Some people think with children, well, they re just trying to, you know, piss me off or harass me.
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I don t know what parents do.
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They do a lot of different things, but no, there s a positive intent behind it.
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What strikes me about it is the other day I was with her teacher, one of her teachers, and,
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She said, we were at lunch, and her teacher said, let me show you a little trick.
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And she did this thing with her finger and made her finger look like it was disappearing a little bit.
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And I said, oh, I got a trick too.
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And I took my thumb like this, and I put my hand like this, and I went, watch.
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And I went like this, and like this.
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And she exploded into tears.
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And I m like, oh.
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And I thought, okay, I didn t understand why I was okay with her with her.
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And I thought, well, maybe my energy was too strong or something else.
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But the next day I found out what it was.
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I was worried that daddy was hurt by that.
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She thought I was hurt.
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It wasn t, the energy wasn t there.
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So it s like.
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There s another intent.
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Like, like, like you said earlier, is she hungry?
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Is she tired?
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Is she not out of nap?
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There are certain fundamentals that are there and those are the things you don t even know.
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They re actually quite beautiful.
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So maybe you can address a little bit about intent and let s come back to apology because we never completed that thought about like how important it is to apologize and why you re willing to do it because people don t do that with adults either, much less with their kids.
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Well, once again, Mary, I actually feel like this is your superpower and because you re so in tune with her and you re always, you notice what I don t notice and you notice if she s having a wave and you ll often share that or even say, if I come in the room, you know, behind our daughter, you ll be like, she s
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Or you know what I mean?
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Like it s like, hey, warning.
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I want to set you up to win.
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Yeah.
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But what you just said is so profound.
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And if you re out there and you re in a family, what Mary just said, I want to set you up to win.
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Another way I call it, like an assist, because really there s the relating, the conscious relating to
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the child, but the conscious relating and the family constellation is so powerful.
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And when there is that positive intent to want to set each other up to win, to want to- Creates real alignment.
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It creates alignment.
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It creates harmony.
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It creates harmony.
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There s less resistance and it s kind.
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It s kind.
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I m curious how, because you re so thoughtful with that, Mary, how you see positive intent
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I see it.
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I m not sure.
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Tell me if I m interpreting this right, but just as, let me give you an example that I think this falls under, but even again, this goes into a little bit of the power of the language we use around her.
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Yes.
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But also it s like, rather than saying like, if she was doing something in her year of the twos, I m resisting calling it the terrible twos, because it wasn t so terrible, but you know, she would have outbursts at times.
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And rather than the don t do that or stop that, then the positive intent, like, which I actually think she really resonates with, is like, I would say like, okay, hey, show me kind, instead of don t hit.
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Show me kind and gentle.
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And she wants that.
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That matches her intent.
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That matches her isness.
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What she really wants.
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And it s like, she could be wailing away at something and it s like, hey, hey, show me kind and gentle.
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And all of a sudden it s like, oh.
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I was like, okay, that works.
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Yes, it aligns with her true nature as opposed to the way that she s experiencing.
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Yeah, it s like understanding that the emotion of the moment is not who the person is.
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I think one of the challenges we have in our society today is no one s allowed to even grow.
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They could have written something 20 years ago in a tweet, and then we re going to beat them up for the rest of their life.
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There s what s the proper term they talk about in religion?
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What s the word I m looking for?
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Redemption.
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Yeah, redemption.
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Like the person improves and they redeem themselves and everything else.
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And so we don t even give our kids sometimes a chance to redeem themselves.
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We ve already judged and juried that they have this bad intent, as opposed to, no, they re experiencing a wave.
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Underneath that wave is still that pure intent.
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And if we can align with that,
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It s like magic.
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She changes so quickly when you see that.
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And I see that with other kids when we do it with other kids too, like her friends around them, you know, giving them a sense of positive intent about why they re doing what they re doing as opposed to why are you doing that?
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Or you shouldn t do that or whatever the case may be.
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It s a beautiful piece.
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But Bunnypro, you really, uh, you do this with adults, you do it with our family and you do it with her.
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And, um, and that is you apologize.
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Tell me about your philosophy about apologizing.
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Well, it s selfish and it s selfish because it clears the space of resistance with inside myself.
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And I feel it creates alignment.
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It realigns.
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creates unbound energy for myself.
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If maybe I was bound in a circumstance and I felt like I missed, or I did something that maybe wasn t my most conscious self, or I created friction in some way.
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And then there s just the practical thing.
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You know, I ve tripped her many times.
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I ve dropped her in the pool.
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I ve banged, I ve head butted her.
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I mean, many things.
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I can t tell you the amount of like, it s quite remarkable.
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Or, you know, sometimes maybe I,
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Something that she s really schooled me by is that, you know, allowing our children to flower at their pace and cadence.
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And so I remember when she was learning how to swim and she was learning how to float on her back.
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I was like, she did it once.
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And so it was like, Hey, let s do it.
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And so, you know, I was helping her get in position, but I moved like my, I, you know, I was just moving quickly.
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I was moving quickly at a pace and she put her head back and got a ton of water.
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And so, um, you know, she was crying hysterically.
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And after she got out and we caught our breath and we went in the kitchen and I said, honey, I said, I want you to know, mom s sorry.
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I learned in that moment.
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And I recognized that, um, mom was too fast.
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Next time I ll slow down,  because I also wanted her to know that she could feel safe with me again to do that.
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And, you know, for some reason, that a lot of times can be absent in the space with us as parenting.
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And I have just found it to be so beautiful.
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And our daughter is so conscientious.
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And she also apologizes because she models it.
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Yeah, she does.
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She does.
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She ll say, Dad, I m sorry.
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Yeah.
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But I think those are magical words that are missing in our culture.
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It s missing on airplanes.
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They re magical words.
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It s missing in lines.
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Somewhere in our culture since COVID, we ve lost, I m sorry, or I love you.
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I missed, yes.
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That was a miss.
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Please forgive me.
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Thank you.
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We ve missed that component, but it s alive in her because it s alive in us.
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And I think that s a great gift for her because we all are going to make mistakes.
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I mean, the word sin means miss.
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Miss, that s it.
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That s the original translation of it.
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You miss this.
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So it s like, okay, we don t have to make it heavy.
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It s just miss this.
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I m sorry.
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You clean up right away.
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It doesn t become something really big.
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Or if we re at the dinner table and maybe Mary s feeding her and I sit down.
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So one of the things that we recognized as well, so that we don t step on each other is there s a captain and there s a co-captain.
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at any point in time.
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Or there s the person who s driving.
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So if you re driving, I m mindful if our daughter s having a behavior not to mention something.
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I create the space for you to be able to have that conversation.
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And sometimes I do, I interject.
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And so I ll apologize to you or I ll apologize to you.
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It just clears the energy and it brings self-awareness.
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And then there isn t that resistance, which that resistance builds to a resentment.
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It creates a space of harmony and unbound, and it s just kind.
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It s considerate.
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I agree.
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You mentioned we have a lady that s an early childhood educator and just a really brilliant mind who s been a part of our teen parenting meetings.
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I m only sharing this because whether it s a teacher, whether it s, you know, everybody brings different gifts and we ve all learned so much from her.
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And she shared a couple of brilliant articles, Mary, you had mentioned one that really struck you.
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You did.
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I think I know the one, the cuteness.
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Yes.
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There s been a couple of things that have been like, it s like we don t see ourselves in our blind spots as people, as parents, whatever it may be.
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And this one she recommended, and you mentioned Magda Gerber s name earlier.
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So I think it s in that kind of school of thought of respectful parenting.
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Yes.
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And there was this one article
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If memory serves, it was called cuteness syndrome.
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I think it s by a man named John Holt, I believe was his name.
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He wrote a book, but this was like a little magazine article or something.
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To summarize it, it was like kids are so cute.
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Babies are like irresistibly cute.
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that we kind of use them as like love objects.
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We can do anything we want and go up to them.
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People just like, you see, now I feel so protective as a parent.
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Like when it s your child, you re just watching people like descend on her.
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And as an energetic myself, it s like, that would freak me out.
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Imagine you re just this tiny little like, you know, 10 pound baby.
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And so the article went on to say like, oftentimes it s about our needs and our wants, and there s no such thing as too much affection.
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in our own eyes, but really it s like we have to give space for that child if they re in a flow in the same way.
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Like you mentioned, if Tony is working on something and he s visibly in state, we re not going to be like, Hey, Tony, what do you want to, you want to play pickleball here?
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It s like, no, like let, let them be.
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I m a total pain in the ass at times if I m honest.
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I love it.
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We all can be.
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I own it.
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I love every bit of it.
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We all can be.
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I love every bit of it.
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But you know, it s like, if you think about that also, I think that brings one other thing I want to bring forth in our family.
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And I want to say something too.
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which is our daughter, you know, there s a lot of people that come through because our home is our home, but we have meetings with important people.
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And well, every moment someone, there s so many people going by, there s somebody gushing on her and gushing on her.
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And I probably really want to acknowledge you because you re the first one who really brought that up and made sure we held the line on it, which is she s constantly every moment.
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Huh?
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Huh.
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Maybe you can talk about that.
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But like, when I come into the room now, it s like, even for myself, same thing about where s the energy I look.
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And when I open the door, if she doesn t turn and look, even when she does, I go greet you.
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you,  and then I greet her.
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So she doesn t think she s the most important thing, even though I adore her and love her and she feels totally loved.
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It s like if you re always the first thing, that s how you create an adult who thinks they re supposed to be the center of every moment s attention, and that makes a miserable adult because that s not real life.
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And you re not going to have a lasting relationship when it s all about me, me, me, me.
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So would you address that a little bit and just share a little bit of perspective?
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Yeah, I think it started…
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I can t thank you enough for sharing about that cuteness factor because I feel like it ties into it, Mary.
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It does.
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And, you know, when our daughter was probably about six months, I really recognized just like this home, it s our home, it s our workspace, it s our studio, it s our, you know, so it s a high traffic area.
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And what I really recognize is everybody that saw our daughter was like,
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You know, you re so cute, you re so beautiful.
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But then you turn one corner and you have that there, and you turn another corner and you experience that there.
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And because, you know, just your heart could be a little girl, little boy, they re so stinking cute.
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And, you know, the attention goes there.
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So I recognized, I was like, gosh, there s a hierarchy of respect.
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There s a reason why it is in our nature to respect our elders.
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that s been a lost art in our society.
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Growing up, I mean, Mary, you and I have spoken about this many times, it was always Mr. and Mrs., Mr. and Mrs. so-and-so, if they re coming, or a teacher, and we ve gotten so familiar in our society.
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And so we had a conversation, we had a teen parenting meeting, and I really recognized, I was like, guys, look, we need to start with the adult.
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So it s hello, Miss Maria, whomever it might be, or hello, Mommy, hello, Daddy, and then greeting our child.
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And that just creates a balance and creates a space, just that breath of space there.
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And also, I feel, just reflects.
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real life.
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You don t go out on the street and the whole world stops to see you.
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That s not real life.
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And so it s keeping an anchor and a groundedness and a humbleness of one s nature.
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Yes.
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So I want her to have authentic interactions as well.
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And so if every interaction that she s experiencing, especially in this formative stage, is like a tickle and a high and a this and a that, and everybody s voice is up here, it s like,
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That translates to her and that becomes her as she grows on and it s like I want her to feel just like that she can just exist in that authentic emotion, whatever that may be, instead of...
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Pleaser is born.
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Pleaser form.
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Exactly.
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Yes.
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If you saw your favorite person in the world who comes in and you go, Oh, hi, it s great to see you.
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That s wonderful.
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But if you come back in three minutes, it s really great to see you.
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Every time it becomes false and fake, but then also in her mind, if that isn t happening then, well, what s wrong with me?
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How come people aren t responding to that way?
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And I think that s a big part of our world today.
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from helicopter parenting, you know, became the gross metaphor for it of overstimulation, over-controlling, over-directing, no autonomy in the child, and the child s looking to you to solve everything, and now maybe it s troubling for the government to solve everything, because that s how they ve been raised.
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So, to wrap up, I think, you know, we ve covered a lot of principles.
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We talked outstart in the beginning here about just this whole idea of what is this conscious parenting, as opposed to stress-based fear parenting.
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this awareness, this consciousness, as you said, Sage, the awareness that can change anything, and beginning to see the patterns, beginning to see what s real, and really having the outcome of knowing you want to raise a beautiful human being.
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We talked a little bit about the idea that you can start creating that.
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If you already have a child, you can still decide who they need to become.
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Not what they do for a living, not that kind of controlling thing.
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What are the qualities that whatever they choose to do will create a great quality of life?
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And I think that s homework for all of us to constantly enhance.
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We talked a little bit here about the importance of your state being the basis of it all.
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So I m just trying to give you a recap of the things because we ve covered so much there.
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I m looking at my own notes here.
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We talked about the power of language and choices, not creating language that makes fear, but language, again, that creates the awareness, the idea of not be careful all the time, but rather be mindful.
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We talked a little bit here about overstimulation and what that creates and teaching your child to be able to experience life as opposed to judging right, wrong every single moment.
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And we covered a lot of areas, how to deal with waves of emotion, apologies, positive intent, learning to hold the line.
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So it s all a dance.
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But I think the most important one I want to bring back to everyone listening is we have enormous compassion.
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speak for myself, but I know we all have it.
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For all of you out there that are parents that give your souls to these children, and children when they become adults almost never fully, can never fully appreciate all that you ve gone through just to have them be born, if you re the mother, come through your body.
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All the things that, all night long thoughts and feelings and emotions that you have,
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And if you re stressed and you ve got so much going on in your life, we get it.
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And we aren t pretending in this one little, you know, conversation that we can solve all that.
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But what I hope you got from this is there are some principles worth looking at, like to create a checklist.
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You may not agree with all of them, but out of these things we talked about, what are some of these things you d say, like, this might be our card for the week.
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We re going to focus on, you know, noticing here positive intent or
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We re going to really work on giving choices for everything, one or two choices.
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The choices, either one are going to be good or choices with consequences, not heavy duty ones.
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What can you do to chunk this down?
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Because, you know, we don t have a course for this.
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We ll eventually build one, but hopefully this conversation is helpful to you.
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This is not, you know, a trip is something that s predictable.
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You know what s going to happen, how it s going to happen.
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That s why trips are boring.
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A journey is an adventure.
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You re being called to an adventure when as a child, you re being called to discover things you never discovered in yourself, much less your child.
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You re going to meet different people that can be mentors.
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You re going to face the dragons and eventually conquer all that.
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So I just love to finish this up by saying, you know, it s my problem.
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Sometimes you, you call it the dance, right?
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It s like, there s a dance to get this job done.
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What would you have, what do you have to say about the journey of being a mom and being a parent?
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And is there anything else that we ve not touched that either one of you want to share here to wrap up?
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Gosh, it is a journey and a dance s life is and it s an opportunity to grow.
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It s an opportunity to reflect love.
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It s an opportunity to hold space for these beautiful
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beings, these beautiful children that we are blessed with.
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It is a privilege to usher a child through existence and to recognize as well that we re not the center of attention.
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We re simply a puzzle piece.
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Uh, you know, and I, for myself, I, it s been, I don t know, I always see our daughter walking this way.
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Every picture that really, actually I find most profound, she s walking away from me and I feel... Because she s secure.
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Yes, and it s just like she s going to live her life.
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And we have the privilege to co-create with this existence, to bring them into this world.
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And we have the privilege to create safety, you know, to create support.
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and to love them.
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And that doesn t mean that we re going to do it perfectly.
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It doesn t mean you re going to be conscious every moment.
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I m not conscious every moment.
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But it does mean that there is a dance between you and your child, between you and your family members that offers us an opportunity to reflect, to grow, to evolve, to become our truest nature.
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And I really believe that that s why we re here.
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And, you know, if I think of my life before our daughter, I used to wonder how is, and I just say this for parents who are, you know, maybe contemplating having a child, you know, how, where s it, how is this going to happen?
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Where is she going to fit in this really busy life?
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And now I look at our life and I m like, oh my gosh, I can t imagine our life without her.
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And there s just that centric,
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You know, and yet tonight she had a whole life without us and I love that for her.
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She came home dressed in like this fairy dress.
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a thing of chapstick and, you know, living her life.
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And I m just, and I m so touched that she wanted to share her world with me in that moment.
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And that s a privilege.
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And so, I don t know if that answered your question, Tone.
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Yes, it does.
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That s it.
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I m so glad you, that s it.
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That s the outcome, really, is like, it s not, we re not trying to raise
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It s like we re trying to raise a child that grows up and goes out into the world and can figure things out for themselves.
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It makes me emotional to think of those pictures of her looking out.
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They re not selfies of us or something.
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her going out to do something or her looking out a window and you feel just the revving engine of this little being like, I want to go do this.
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And that s our job as parents is to just love her up and get her ready to go do it and watch her go do it.
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I agree.
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I can t wait to watch her go do it.
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Well, we already are.
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We re watching her.
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It s happening in real time.
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Sometimes I ll, like not to be a creeper, but I ll, if she s outside with, you know, her friend and I ll, you know, I ll peek out the window and just,
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I don t know.
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I feel, I mean, I feel joy.
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I can witness your happiness.
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I can witness your happiness.
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I can hear you guys laughing and, or anybody, my mom and my dad, I don t have to be a part of that.
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And I definitely find that to be true being a parent.
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And just, I m just so happy for her happiness.
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I m so happy for her life.
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I m so happy for her growth.
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It just to see her life living through her is the most extraordinary thing and I couldn t imagine my life any other way.
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So.
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is no greater gift than to have the privilege of helping a soul in its development at this stage of life, and then to see that soul mature and grow and master life and become a force for good and a force for God, a beautiful source.
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I m so deeply grateful.
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It s Mother s Day, so maybe this is a great way to celebrate, is to think about
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whoever was a mother to you, not always your physical mother.
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Sometimes it was somebody else, but somebody else who loved you so much or saw what was in you so much and truthfully sacrificed so much for you to be there.
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So I m grateful to my mom who s since passed.
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I m grateful to both of your amazing moms, yours who just recently passed and yours who s still with us.
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And I m grateful for the fathers that we had as well.
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It takes it all.
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If you re at home, I hope you ll leave this message with a feeling of being loved for who you are, for taking, if you decide to take this jump or you already have, just realizing, and I hear some people say, I m just a mom, I m just a dad, and I think, what on earth could be more important?
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So maybe on this day,
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I acknowledge the goodness of what you ve given to your child, because you only build on success.
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Maybe come up with some principles of the next level, or if you re not having one, what you re hoping to do in the future.
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And if you don t have a child, I doubt you re still listening, but if you were, I m very touched by that.
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And I hope maybe you ll make a call to a mother in your life or a woman in your life, a being in your life that played that role, and thank them from the heart and from the soul, because these are the moments that matter most.
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Blessings to all of you.
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Thanks, ladies.
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That was gorgeous.
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Thank you, Tone.
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I loved being with you, sharing our life.
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Thank you, Mayor.
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Thank you, Tone.
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The Tony Robbins Podcast is inspired and directed by Tony Robbins and his teachings.
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It s produced by us, Team Tony.
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Copyright Robbins Research International.