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Welcome to The Art of Charm.
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I m your host, Jordan Harbinger.
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I m here with producer Jason Afilipo.
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What s up, my brother?
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Here at The Art of Charm, we may not have all the answers, but we certainly have some of the questions.
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And today on Fan Mail Friday, those questions come from you.
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If this is your first time listening to The Art of Charm, Fan Mail Friday is a great sample of how we operate at AOC, but by no means a full helping of all our show has to offer.
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Listener interaction is one of my favorite parts of the show, and without you, we would have no show.
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But our typical content is much more in-depth, with well-known top performers in their field.
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We work to unpack their methods, their theories, and their hard-earned insights.
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These are people you either know or should know, and we use a longer format to help you understand what processes or steps they used which helped them become successful.
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Then, we distill those concepts and help you apply them to your life.
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For a great place to start, check out some of our most popular episodes at theartofcharm.com where you can find the best of, as well as our Fundamentals Toolbox, which includes topics such as reading body language and charismatic nonverbal communication, the science of attraction, negotiation techniques, networking and influence strategies, persuasion tactics, and everything else that we teach here at the Art of Charm.
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We ll send all that to your inbox if you text CHARMED, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D,
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to 33444 in the states or everywhere else, just go to theartofcharm.com.
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You can also grab our iPhone app at theartofcharm.com slash iPhone.
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All right, let s cut to it.
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First up, Jason.
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Hey AOC team, what are some tactics we can use to handle overtalkers, both in business and personal settings?
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My default approach is to simply interject as little as possible, assuming that if I say anything, I just give the person more material to overtalk about.
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In practice, however, this is the same as meek acceptance of their disrespecting my time.
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AOC listeners know that there are definite limits to human attention.
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The overtalkers must have missed the memo.
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What s the best way to get them to wrap it up?
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Signed, don t step on my lines, bro.
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I am going to go with that.
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I m going to go with people who talk over others.
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And the way that I handle this on the show and in my real life is I interject using nonverbal communication.
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So I use a hand signal and I can either raise my hand up with my palm open facing them, which is
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It s a little bit of a, it s less of a, you don t want to do the backhand because that s aggressive, right?
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But you can do an open palm, maybe not the middle finger, and you can raise a finger up as well, but that s almost like saying one minute pause or shush.
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It can be a little aggressive, but if you raise your hand up in an open palm,
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it just breaks their autopilot where they re talking, talking, talking, maybe a little bit nervous.
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And as for talking too much, it can be anxiety.
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You can use the same nonverbal hand signal to say, I ve actually gotta get going, we ll pick this up later.
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And they should get the hint.
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If not, you can be a little bit more forceful with respect to your time.
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You can be polite but firm.
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You can say something like, hang on just a second, with the same open palm, hand facing them, fingers spread out, hang on just a second.
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The higher you raise that hand up to eye level, the more urgent it is.
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So if you just kind of raise your hand and it s chest level, it s kind of like, I m ready to talk whenever you re done, and some people will take the hint.
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But if you raise it up towards your eye level, it s more urgently saying, look, I want to speak right now, so wind it up.
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And then when they stop talking,
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you can say, look, I ve gotta run, but we can pick this up later.
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If that doesn t work and they re literally not giving you any opportunity to speak, at that point you can raise your hand, open palm, eye level and say, hey, I ve really gotta get going, we ll pick this up later.
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Because at some point they re so rude and so oblivious that you can t just sit there for 10 more minutes disrespectful of your own time because they can t get the hint.
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Yes, over-talking?
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Annoying.
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People who won t shut up?
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Annoying.
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It s often just their own anxiety.
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So get them to wrap it up, otherwise you re going to waste a lot of your time being extra polite.
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Next up.
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Hey Jordan, I m worried about my education, or lack thereof, which makes me self-conscious about not being on par with others at work and in social situations.
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Any tips or advice for getting over this?
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Thanks brother!
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Henry.
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Yes, I would say that you should script a what-do-you-do response that focuses on accomplishments, work, hobbies, etc.
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Very few people care about schooling background.
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At least at my age, 37, I don t care where anybody went to school.
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It never comes up.
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I can t even think of times at which it has come up unless it s a
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Sports thing yeah, where d you go to school you ve written for Michigan?
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I mean, it s it s almost never something that people even seem to care about especially in the entrepreneur world We were starting your own business Maybe it s a little bit more of a thing in a corporate world especially in the middle of America But I I m not sure how much people are judging by this after you ve been working for a while.
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What do you think Jason?
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Look, I barely graduated high school, and I only took photography in college before going out into the quote-unquote real world.
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And I m 45 now, and it s never been an issue.
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The only stories I really don t get to chime in on are when my friends are bitching about how long it took to pay off their student debt.
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So I would say check out episode 595 with Joey Ito.
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He never graduated college and now runs one of the most prestigious learning institutions in the world.
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Oh, that MIT Media Lab?
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Yeah, I heard of that.
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Yeah, I ve heard of that, too.
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Yeah.
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Just a little school over by Boston, I think.
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Look, a little note here.
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Speaking of education, and Henry isn t guilty of this, but it is very apropos here.
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Y all need to know the difference between there and they re with.
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So there is in possessive and they are.
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And here s the drill.
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Say it out loud if you re not sure, and there s probably other ways to remember this as well, but say it out loud.
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If you mean they are, then it s T-H-E-Y apostrophe R-E.
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If you mean it s theirs as in it belongs to them, it s T-H-E-I-R.
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If you can t remember this, write it down in the notes segment on your phone, double check.
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This is something that is a problem with adults recently, and I see this in my inbox with people old and young.
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But the problem is, flaws in one area of your life affect the judgment of others on unrelated arguments.
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In other words, if you get this wrong, people assume things about your intelligence.
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It doesn t matter if they re wrong about that.
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It doesn t matter if their assumptions are way off.
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It doesn t matter how valid they are.
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It doesn t matter if they re wrong at all, because it affects you more than it affects them.
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Sure, you can say, oh, it s their loss and all this, but it s not if you re looking to get a job with them, you re looking to work with them.
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This taints your impression that you make on them.
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And a lot of people say, I can t keep it straight, or I never learned that, or you re being judgy.
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It doesn t matter.
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This is a scoreboard situation.
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figure out how to memorize this write it down in your phone and my trick is to say it out loud if you re not sure and now I have no problem remembering this and I never really have but I ve taught a lot of people this trick and it is it s important you have to get this right.
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And when you re going someplace it s T-H-E-R-E.
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Oh yeah that too.
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All right next up.
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Amanda would like to know why are you so interested in people?
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Was there something about how you grew up?
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Yeah, when I was younger, and I ve told this story a little bit before on other shows and when I ve been interviewed, when I was younger, at 13, 14 years old, I figured out a lot of technical stuff about wiretapping and cloning cell phones and things like that, and I won t go over the whole story here, but basically I was able to hear other people s phone conversations, and being 13 and an only child, I didn t have a lot of other things to do and no video games, so basically I figured out how to listen to conversations, and I did so for a very long time, and I heard one of my neighbors getting a divorce,
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And he would talk to his friends, he would talk to his soon-to-be ex-wife, he would talk to his sister and his mother.
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And with each person, he was very different.
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And this turned adults, for me, into three-dimensional human beings for the very first time.
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When you re 13, 14, adults basically feed you, spank you, yell at you, drive you places, and that s pretty much it.
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Your parents maybe are a little bit more 3D than everyone else, but everybody s kind of like Charlie Brown.
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Adults are like...
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that kind of thing, and this broke that wall, that barrier down for me when I was quite young.
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And that gave me strong interest in people, but I was thinking about this, and even earlier, I asked my mom about this girl in my, was it first grade class?
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There was a couple girls in first grade.
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There was Courtney Patton, Danielle Marinelli, and Aaliyah Brooks.
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And I asked my mom about that, and my mom says, look, if they drop their pencil, you can pick it up and you can say something like, gentle teasing, like, why do you keep throwing your pencil on the floor?
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And I thought, that s never gonna work, but I ll give it a shot.
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And it did work.
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And I thought, holy cow, there is a code to people s reactions.
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And my mom has some insight here.
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So that was an eye opener for me, even as early as first grade.
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So I just want to say that yes, I started early.
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And also, Aaliyah Brooks, what s up, girl?
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Danielle Marinelli, how you doing?
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I do wonder, in the day and age of Facebook, I m very tempted to try to look, but it s a little creepy and there s no real result other than, yes, they re still alive.
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Man, I can t believe I remember their names.
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That is just weird, actually.
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Hey, Art of Charm listeners.
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I m excited to share a new
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You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
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Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
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Go to kajabi.com slash charm and join the creators and entrepreneurs who have made over $7 billion.
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Alright Jason, next up.
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This next one comes from Jozel.
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I m worried I m at the whim of my insecurities.
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I say things that I wish I didn t feel or wish I didn t say and it makes me feel embarrassed or ashamed and I get quiet and I can t seem to break out of it.
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This seems to dominate my social and work life in many ways, especially recently.
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Help!
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Well, Jozel, we re all actually at the whim and controlled largely by our insecurities.
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The trick is not becoming better at filtering and controlling the output, like hiding.
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The trick is becoming more comfortable with vulnerability.
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And we do that by developing self-trust, having open and deep relationships with others, et cetera, so you re in the right place.
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That s exactly what we teach here at The Art of Charm.
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It s exactly what we go over in the toolbox.
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It s what we discuss here a lot on Fan Mail Friday, so don t worry.
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It s not about hiding those things.
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It s not about covering them up and becoming some kind of smooth operator.
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The trick is becoming more comfortable and more readily able to admit and face those perceived shortcomings, I should say.
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And that in itself is vulnerability.
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And if you want to see someone who s really good at this, Mike Rowe, who was just on the show recently, is a master of this.
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Alright, one last pro tip from me here.
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Get professional photos done for your website and your LinkedIn and your Facebook.
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And I don t mean a ton of these and I don t mean all your photos have to be professional, but if you re trying to change careers or get a job or move around or anything like that, you should have reasonable professional photos.
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They don t have to be headshots.
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They don t have to be you in your professional garb or anything like that.
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They just have to be done well and convey a really positive image.
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A lot of people I notice, they do this weird thing where they ll take like,
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almost a blurry ID badge or iPhone photo, but they re wearing a suit, and then they cut the background out.
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Jason, we saw this come into our inbox the other day.
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The guy- Yeah, that was terrible.
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Yeah, it was weird.
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It was like a low-res photo, and he had cut it out and pasted it on a clearly fake white background that
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Maybe also he tried to make at home with a light and the lighting was wrong.
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And I see this a lot and I see a lot of people they do this weird thing where they ll put like an Instagram filter over their photo and then they export that and they put that up on Facebook.
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And the problem is things that look really good on your phone and on Instagram for a 10 second view, they just look terrible.
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on larger monitors, they re low res, they look bad, they look awkward, or you re not smiling.
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There s so many things you can learn from having professional photos, and like I said, you don t have to manage your image here in that all your photos have to be professional, you just need like three good ones.
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and they need to be the ones that come up first, because again, that first impression, that judgment is there.
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And you can make it a funny one, you can make it one where you don t take yourself so seriously if that s more your style, but they should be created by somebody who has a good eye for this and really does know what they re doing.
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You can do this yourself, but if you re the kind of person who thinks, I probably can do this myself, you can t.
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Hold on, hold the phone there.
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I m a professional photographer, or in my past life I was.
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I can t do it myself.
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I actually went out and had my friends who are professionals do my pictures for me.
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That s really interesting.
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Because you lose perspective.
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You can t see yourself in the light that you re trying to photograph.
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And if you re using the other facing camera on your phone, that s a low-res camera.
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It s not the super nice high-res camera.
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So just get somebody else to take the photos for you that has an eye and has some training.
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That s interesting.
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So I didn t even think about the fact that you re a bad judge of your own photos.
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It s totally true, though.
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When I look at pictures of myself, I m almost always like, ugh, this one s not that great.
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Ugh, that one s terrible.
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It s kind of like when you first hear your voice on an answering machine, or you see yourself in a video, and you re just like, oh, I hate this.
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You can t really see yourself with an objective eye.
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And I m sure nobody can see yourself objectively, but it s easier for them to see you as an outsider would than it is for you.
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So I think, yeah, you re right.
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Maybe there s value there as well.
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Also, I think you should own your own name, or your own name dot whatever, like dot net or dot whatever, if your dot com is taken.
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And I just, I ve seen, I contacted an author yesterday, Jason, I won t name who it is.
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but we found a website with the guy s name and we emailed them and there was no reply and then we did it again and we did a who is on the domain and then we emailed them and we called them and there was no reply and I had to go through these totally different channels to get a hold of him and when I finally spoke to his agent he goes oh yeah we don t own that.
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And I was like, so who does?
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Because it s got his books on it.
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It s got his freaking pictures on it.
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And there s a bunch of stuff written about him on it.
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And they re like, yeah, we think it s just a fan or something like that.
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And I m like, oh, for God s sake.
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So there s this dead end black hole email box, which actually shows up in Google as this guy s primary point of contact.
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Oh, that s awful.
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Get the lawyers.
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Get the lawyers.
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Or if it s a fan, ask the fan for the website.
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Tell them they can manage it for you, and you ll pay them a nominal fee of $100 a year.
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Get that domain back.
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What s wrong with you?
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It s so awful, and I see this happen to people all the time.
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They don t bother buying the domain because they re like, whatever, I just work for HP, or I just work for...
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CVS drugstore.
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I don t need this.
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What are you going to be doing in 10 years?
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Because you can never get the dot-com if it s taken.
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It s gone.
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You have to buy it from someone else or hope it expires, and if somebody else with the same name gets it, then you re just out of luck.
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So get your name and get the dot-com, and if you can t get that, get some of the other variations.
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It s worth it.
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You just never know.
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I recommend checking out .me.
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Like I ve got my initials jpd.me.
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That s my website.
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And I ve owned my family s last name for years.
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So, you know, there are, with all of these new ones, you can even get your name .ninja if you re into that kind of thing.
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Yeah, but whatever it is, don t let somebody else get the domain that shows up for you first.
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And if you think, oh, I m not doing anything that s public facing, ask yourself if that s gonna be you for the entirety of the rest of your life.
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And is it worth $10 a year to remedy that situation?
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And I feel like we should shamelessly plug HostGator here.
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So check out hostgator.com slash charm, they ll give you a deal on that.
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But that s not why I brought that up, I promise.
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Hope you all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget, you can email us, Friday at TheArtOfCharm.com to get your questions answered on the air.
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A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at TheArtOfCharm.com slash FMF107.
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I d love to hear from you.
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I m on Twitter, at TheArtOfCharm.
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It s a great place to engage with the show.
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And aren t you on the Twitter, Jason?
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I am on Twitter at JPDef, and you can also catch my podcast, Grumpy Old Geeks, every Monday.
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We re in the Podcast One app, or go to GOG.show to find out more.
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Alright, and don t forget about the Art of Charm Challenge.
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Go to theartofcharm.com slash challenge, or text the word charmed, C-H-A-R-M-E-D, to 33444.
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What the Challenge is, we re teaching you how to become a better networker, create some social capital, some extra charisma there.
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It s for both guys and gals, and we re taking you step-by-step.
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There s also a Facebook group with me, AJ, and the Art of Charm team to help bring you through that process.
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That s theartofcharm.com slash challenge.
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And I host another show that s quite a bit different on the Forbes Network on Podcast One.
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It s called The Forbes List.
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And that s where I interview Forbes editors and other talented folks about the lists that Forbes keeps of everything from billionaires to the fastest growing companies in tech.
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You can find the Forbes list anywhere you listen to podcasts.
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Quick shout out to Jess Ackerman who listens to us while she runs.
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She says she has to listen at 2x to keep speed.
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SPEAKER_03
So what happened?
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SPEAKER_00
Also, shout out to Stance Sock Company.
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SPEAKER_00
I don t think they call themselves a sock company, but whatever, they make socks.
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SPEAKER_00
They heard my shout on AOC the other week, and they sent me some awesome new socks.
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SPEAKER_00
I was pretty flabbergasted to see their message on Twitter, having heard the show.
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SPEAKER_00
Super cool.
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SPEAKER_00
The weight of my heart is through my feet, apparently.
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SPEAKER_00
And I can t believe I can just say something on here and people actually send this stuff over.
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SPEAKER_00
Socks, tea, etc.
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SPEAKER_00
You know, I also really like boats.
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SPEAKER_00
You know, I m a big fan of Bugatti as well.
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SPEAKER_00
Those Veyrons are kind of nice.
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SPEAKER_00
Are you?
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SPEAKER_00
Right on.
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SPEAKER_00
Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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SPEAKER_00
If so, hit me up and I ll shout you out.
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SPEAKER_00
More from AOC at theartofcharm.com, including info on our live residential boot camps that we run every week here in L.A.
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SPEAKER_00
if you really want to dig into this stuff and work on your AOC skills with us as your coaches.
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SPEAKER_00
That s theartofcharm.com slash bootcamp.
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SPEAKER_00
Now stay charming.
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SPEAKER_00
Get out there and connect and leave everyone better than you found them.