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Greetings from Beijing, China.
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Even though I m on the road, it s still time for Fan Mail Friday, where we ll be answering your questions and dropping some knowledge and feedback to help you kick the weekend off right.
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, this isn t a great place to start.
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Most of our content is more in-depth and longer format, so check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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That s where we ve got the fundamentals of body language and nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, and everything else we teach here at The Art of Charm.
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All right, let s cut to it.
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I listened to this week s Fan Mail Friday and I d like to add to your response to the question about awkward laughing.
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Not long ago, one of my close friends pointed out to me that I do this all the time, yet I was completely unaware.
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I m so glad he told me.
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He had similar comments as the questioner, David, saying that it was weird and he didn t know why I chuckled at everything, even stuff that wasn t funny.
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I self-analyzed a bit and realized that my laughs had nothing to do with thinking something was humorous.
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Instead, I laughed as almost a head nod or confirmation of acknowledgement.
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It wasn t related to poor listening or some sort of social disorder, but instead I thought it was a form of active listening.
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It s interesting to hear that there is someone else who does the same thing.
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I ve since changed my behavior and now I laugh only when appropriate.
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If I had a recommendation for David, depending on he and his boss s relationship,
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It would be, in private, to ask his boss why he laughs all the time.
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Just a casual question from a genuinely curious individual.
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His boss probably doesn t even realize that he does it, and he would probably appreciate someone pointing it out to him.
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I hope that bit of insight was helpful, and feel free to forward this to David.
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Thanks for the show, Jordan.
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Best regards, Jake.
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Thanks, Jake.
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Great feedback on that.
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I think there are loads of others with this exact same issue, because we actually got quite a few emails about this subject.
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So I appreciate you weighing in and being vulnerable with that as well.
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I think there s definitely reasons that people do this, and I think a lot of people don t even notice.
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Dear Jordan, I m a quick-to-throw-in-the-towel sort of guy.
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I give up too easily, and I know this.
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But the root of the problem is that I have literally no idea when a woman is interested in me or not.
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It s like I m colorblind but with sensing attraction from women.
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What are some of the clear signs of female attraction that I can look for so that I can stop shooting myself in the foot?
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Signed, my own worst enemy.
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Hey enemy, I love these new names.
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This is such a common thing I can t even tell you.
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A lot of guys just don t know, including myself back in the day, just don t know how to pick up the signs of attraction that make the difference.
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There are very clear signs of attraction that women give off.
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We ve actually done numerous episodes on this in the toolbox as well if people are looking for that.
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One sign of attraction on its own might not mean a whole lot, but two or more and you ve got something that you should be picking up on and or capitalizing on, it s not a magic trick, it s just something that you need to start paying attention to.
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And believe me, once you start noticing the signs of attraction that women do give off, you re gonna find them impossible to ignore.
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One more quick tip if I can, always assume attraction.
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When a situation is ambiguous, the best thing to do is be positive
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and assume that whatever signal it was is what you want.
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Of course, with the caveat of always be ready to take no for an answer.
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So good luck with that.
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Let me know how it goes.
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Dear Jordan, I m totally not a fashion plate.
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I m not even a jeans and t-shirt kind of guy.
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I m a dockers and polo shirt sort of man.
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I can t see spending money on clothes that I can t wear to work.
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That said, I understand that I need something a little more fashionable for hitting up the clubs.
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How can I class up my look a little bit without breaking the bank?
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Signed, Unfashionable Male.
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Get yourself a couple pairs of nice fitted jeans, a plain black t-shirt, a casual button-up shirt.
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Pair these with a nice pair of shoes.
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You re going to be looking not quite like a million bucks, but more than nice enough to hit the town.
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While you re at it, get a good haircut.
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Make sure your shoes have a little shine if they re those kind of shoes.
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Option B, honestly, get a decent suit and wear it out, tailored.
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You re gonna need it for events and business anyway, so you can get something with a little flair maybe and make it multi-purpose.
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I recommend something like Indochino for something reasonably priced and tailored.
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Appearance isn t everything, but being presentable does really matter.
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And it s not about being someone else, it s about being your best, most polished self.
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So good luck with that.
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Let me know what you decide.
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Send me a couple pictures and email, I don t mind.
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I actually took one of your boot camps recently, and it s worked wonders for me.
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I m dating for the first time ever, really, and going out more weekends than not.
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The problem is my best friend and roommate.
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He s not a cockblocker or anything.
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He s just a shut-in.
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Our friendship was basically built around the two of us being shut-ins, and now that I m not anymore, there s tension.
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I feel like he s always trying to bring me down to his level,
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keep me in on weekend nights, and generally not have a social life.
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I don t want to cut him off.
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I want him to experience all the awesome things I ve been experiencing since I got more social.
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Any advice?
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Regards, Recovering Hermit.
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Hey, Hermit.
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Super common tale here.
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When you start improving yourself, it often threatens your other relationships.
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Go figure.
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This is because people are used to the old you and worried that the new you will be shut out of their life.
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First, I don t think you need to cut this guy off.
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It doesn t sound like he s sabotaging your situation in the name of your friendship, but I do have two pieces of advice.
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As dumb as it might sound, having quote-unquote mandates could be a great way to make him feel at ease.
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Schedule times for you to do things you normally do together.
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Make a night out of it.
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This sends the message to him that your friendship is not in danger.
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The other side of the coin, try and teach him some of the things you ve learned, or better yet, get him to sign up for boot camp on his own.
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It sounds like your friend would probably like getting out more and reaping the benefits of what you ve learned.
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Invite him out one night and insist that he join you.
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Then involve him in your new social life by showing off what you ve learned.
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Try and get him interested and active.
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Then you ve got the best wingman anyone would ever want, your best friend.
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Send me an email in a couple weeks or a couple months and let me know how you two are working it out.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
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All right, back to Fan Mail Friday.
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Hi Jordan, first, thank you for sharing all this great knowledge, both how to and why, and tricking guys like me into becoming a better man.
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It s truly a service to the communities of your listeners.
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When I was young, I heard, seek first to understand and then to be understood, and took it to heart.
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I try to engage people in conversation, focusing on them with a genuine interest, and it works pretty well for meeting people.
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However, I have a terrible time remembering past interactions.
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It s not that I forget completely.
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They ll remind me about what we talked about and I ll remember it just fine.
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It s just that seeing a person doesn t act as a trigger for all of my memories with them.
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This is awkward for people I met at parties, but is downright embarrassing when I run into someone a fourth or fifth time.
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Or an old formerly close friend and can t find a context for it.
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them.
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Do you have any suggestions?
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Best wishes, The Goldfish.
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What this came down to was not being present.
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I know that answer kind of sucks because it s so nebulous, but I m telling you, it s because you re not paying attention to the things that are being discussed, the circumstances where you meet people.
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If you re really forgetting context and things like that, try the memory palace.
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Google it.
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It s a way where you re sort of walking through this scenario in your own mind where
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their person s from, and who they re married to, and if they ve got kids, and what sports they like.
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And it s a mnemonic device.
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It s called the memory palace.
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But really, it is the presence thing.
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Use their name when you hear it.
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Talk about their interests with them.
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This goes a long way.
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It ll make you more present.
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It ll make you seem more interested in them, which you are.
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And I m telling you, this is going to change the way that your interactions go.
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And it s definitely going to improve your memory of people, places, and events.
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Dear Jordan, me and my last girlfriend broke up about six months ago and I m getting back into dating.
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Her and I have stayed in contact and are basically still friends.
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I m worried that this might be a problem going forward.
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I should specify that we don t have any kids together and that I don t have any feelings for her anymore except for friendship.
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What do you recommend?
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Signed, Besties with the X.
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Hey man, this probably isn t what you want to hear, but it s basically impossible to move forward if you and your ex are close friends.
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Look, whether or not you feel like there s feelings there or not is totally beside the point.
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Well, really it is.
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There s clearly something between the two of you.
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This is going to make things more than a little uncomfortable for whoever you bring into your life next time.
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The point isn t that you should cut off all contact with your ex.
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In fact, it speaks to your character in my mind that you can remain on good and cordial terms with an ex after the end of a relationship.
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but you should give yourself a little distance.
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This will allow you to better get in touch with who you are and what you want and need in a relationship.
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It also gets rid of a lot of the baggage that might come into any new relationship that you should be getting into now moving on with your life.
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Good luck.
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I m off to check out the Forbidden City here in Beijing.
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Oh, by the way, blog post of the week, I did a video on how to become more observant.
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This is a set of skills that will take you far in terms of creating rapport with other people, as well as skyrocket your learning curve when it comes to making informed deductions about others.
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Check it out.
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It s on the blog.
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It s called Observation Superpowers.
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We re going to link to that stuff.
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A link to this blog post can be found at theartofcharm.com slash fmf36.
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That s theartofcharm.com slash fmf36 for Fan Mail Friday, number 36.
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Hope you all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget you can reach us at friday at theartofcharm.com.
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We read everything and we d love to hear from you.
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Quick shout out to Sean listening in Beijing.
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Looking forward to meeting up later on this week.
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Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up and I ll shout you out.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com.
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Now have a great weekend.
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Get out there and connect and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to the Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and everything for the extraordinary man at theartofcharmpodcast.com.