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All right, here we go.
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Part two of breakup advice.
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Part one was about the breakup itself.
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Okay, we re talking about the two weeks before the breakup, we re talking about the breakup itself, and we re talking about the week or two that follow the breakup.
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That s part one.
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If you haven t listened to that yet, go ahead and listen to that.
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This is part two.
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This is about the equally as challenging and arguably more complicated phase of a breakup.
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The months following the breakup.
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In some ways, it s easier because you re through the thick of it.
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You ve survived the first week or two after the breakup.
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You got a lot of tears out, but now you kind of have to get back to your life.
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And that s why it s complicated.
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For the first week or two, you can kind of lay in bed and cry and get the bare minimum done.
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But at a certain point, you have to get back to your life.
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You know, in the months following the breakup, you have to get back to your life.
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And you have to figure out what the hell to do with your time.
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Now you have all this
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time that you used to dedicate to your partner, but now it s just free.
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And it can be really easy to use that time in a negative way.
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Use that time in a detrimental way.
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You re so used to putting your energy towards your partner that you can end up using this new chunk of time that you have to continue to focus on your partner, but now in a far more harmful way because you re not together anymore.
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I think that s what makes the months following a breakup so challenging.
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Utilizing that new free time to benefit yourself in your life instead of using that time to continue to give energy to your partner who is now not your partner anymore.
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I know it sounds harsh, but it s really not that harsh.
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It s just the truth.
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Before we get into the advice, I want to be clear that this advice is for safe and harmless romantic relationships.
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For advice on toxic or dangerous relationships, please contact professionals.
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I m not a professional.
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I don t know what the hell I m talking about.
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Please contact a professional.
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First piece of advice seems pretty obvious.
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And let me tell you, it s much easier said than done.
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But it s time to focus on yourself.
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I know you re like, Emma, shut the fuck up.
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I could Google search that right now and find that exact answer.
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Shut the fuck up.
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I know, I get it.
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But it s a lot easier said than done.
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And so I have some advice on how you can focus on yourself successfully.
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Because it s one thing to say to somebody going through a breakup, focus on yourself.
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But it s another thing to figure out how to execute that.
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And based on my experience, you know, I have a few methods.
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To start, make some goals for yourself.
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Long-term goals and short-term goals.
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And make a plan for the immediate future.
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Make this time about self-development.
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Really make it a priority in your life to work towards goals.
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Now, you can start this by writing it down in a journal.
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You can open up a journal and start jotting down some goals.
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For example,
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I want to make more friends.
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I want to find a hobby that fulfills me.
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I want to get a raise at work.
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I want to get a 3.8 GPA next semester.
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Whatever it might be, just start jotting down goals.
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If you re not really into journaling, you can do this in your imagination, but I do think it s helpful to journal.
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Depends.
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Everybody s different.
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start writing down goals, larger goals.
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And then from there, start writing down different things that you can do on a day-to-day basis that will get you closer to reaching those goals.
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Really map this all out.
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You ve so much more free time now that you re single.
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You have the time to map this shit out.
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You can t say that you don t have the time.
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Because if you have the time to go on a date every once in a while with your significant other, you have time to jot down your goals.
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And you have time to make a plan on how you re going to reach those goals.
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You have time.
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My dad always says to me when I m going through a hard time, to make a plan.
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And that s really what this is.
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When you re going through a rough time, it can be really easy to get off track.
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And so I think it can be really helpful to have goals and to have actionable steps that you can take to get closer to reaching those goals so that you have something to reference.
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In moments when you re feeling like everything is falling apart, you re like, I m losing it.
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I m missing my ex so much.
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I m falling into bad habits.
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I m focusing energy on them still when I need to be focusing energy on me.
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You can either open up your journal or close your eyes and go into the archives in your brain and find an actionable step that s ultimately getting you closer to a goal.
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I remember during one breakup, I was like, I really want to start exercising.
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I don t exercise at all.
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I m not in good shape.
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I walk up the stairs and I m out of breath.
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I m just not physically fit.
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It s a goal for me to start exercising more.
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So, you know, every time I d have a rough moment, I d go for a walk or I d go to the gym or I d go to a workout class.
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Not every time, because you can t really do that every time.
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But because that was one of my goals, I was able to use that as a tool.
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I ve also gone through breakups where it s become a priority for me to be more social.
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And so in challenging moments, I would text a friend and be like, hey, what are you doing tomorrow?
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Let s grab coffee.
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I think there s something so powerful about having goals.
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It really, really helps you stay on track.
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And it really, really helps you focus on yourself without even trying too hard.
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I also really recommend trying to make your goals your escape in moments when your mind wanders.
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During a breakup, there are going to be so many moments when your mind wanders and starts thinking about your ex, and that s normal and inevitable.
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In the past, I ve really tried to train my brain to reroute and start thinking about my goals in those moments when I m thinking about an X. It s not always possible, and that s okay too, but if you can try to train your brain to reroute back to something that s benefiting you, it can be a great practice.
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I do that with a lot of things in my life.
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When I feel imposter syndrome, I try to replace that feeling of inadequacy with feelings of gratitude for what I do have.
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And I ve sort of trained my brain to reroute from feeling like I don t deserve what I have, etc., etc., to just being grateful for what I have.
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And I ll tell you, with imposter syndrome specifically, that was so helpful, and I applied that to thinking about an ex during a breakup, and it really helped me.
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But none of that is possible unless you have it sort of mapped out.
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It has to be very clear what your goals are and what steps you need to take to get there or else you might lose it, you know?
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I also think it s really important to try to figure out how to create a life that you enjoy without a partner at all.
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In the past, I have relied on romantic partners to complete my life, to make my life feel complete.
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Now, I m somebody who ultimately wants to have a family and have kids.
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So one of my long-term goals is to find a partner that I can be with for as long as possible.
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Listen, my parents are divorced.
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I know that
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You never know, right?
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But it is a goal for me to find a long-term partner.
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So it might seem kind of counterintuitive for me to create a life that I enjoy without a romantic partner, because it is my goal to have a romantic partner one day.
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Listen, I truly believe and many people truly believe that in order to be in a happy, healthy relationship, you have to have a life outside of that relationship that fulfills you.
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Now, creating a fulfilling life is an ongoing journey.
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There are going to be moments when your life doesn t feel fulfilling and you need to get your hands dirty and figure out why and then get your hands dirty again and work on getting to a place where you feel more fulfilled.
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But it s so important, especially during a breakup, to work on building a life that is fulfilling with or without a partner.
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This is the perfect time to do this because you need to be single right now anyway.
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Okay, listen, I m not going to say what you should and shouldn t do.
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I wouldn t recommend getting into another relationship anytime soon.
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You at least have some months, you know what I mean?
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You have time to figure out how to find fulfillment from within.
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A lot of us feel incomplete in our lives without a partner, but that leads us to failed relationships.
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Because when we re putting too much pressure on our partners to make our lives fulfilling, then our expectations for how they behave and what they bring into our lives are too high, and they ll never be able to
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fulfill those expectations, and then we ll end up disappointed with them in the relationship.
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I think this starts with taking care of yourself physically and mentally.
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Eating nutritious foods, exercising, finding self-care practices that work for you.
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For some people, that s meditating.
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For some people, that s journaling.
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For some people, that s taking a bath with a glass of wine.
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For some people, that s taking a walk every night with their dog.
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Like, I don t know.
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It s different for everybody, but
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Really prioritizing your physical and mental health is number one.
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I also think that helping others can really help you find fulfillment in your own life without a partner.
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Helping others really makes life more fulfilling.
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Now, helping others is broad, is vague.
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You know, it could be something large like volunteering somewhere, you know, doing work for your community, doing work for charity.
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But it can also be something smaller.
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It can be tipping a little extra at dinner when you have the funds to do so.
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It could be
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just being a little bit kinder to everybody.
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It could be complimenting more people.
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You know, it doesn t necessarily have to be something grandiose, but I ll tell you that will make you feel better.
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It s crazy how much it makes you feel better.
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It s crazy how much more fulfilling your life becomes when you make an effort to do that.
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This is also a time to nurture your hobbies and interests.
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Again, you have more free time now.
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Okay, so you can go and take that cooking class.
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Oh, you can go and paint that painting you ve been wanting to paint.
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You can get really good at yoga now, you know, like there are so many things that you could do.
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You just have to figure out what you really enjoy doing, and then put a little bit more time into it, nurture it.
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And last but not least, a fulfilling life means a life filled with good people.
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Family, friends, co-workers, people you share a hobby with.
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Having good people around you makes you feel fulfilled.
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Having good people around you that you don t want to have sex with.
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Nurture your relationship with your family.
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Nurture your relationship with your friends.
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Go out and make new friends.
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This is a time to build a community.
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Community is so important during a breakup.
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It changes everything.
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If you have people around you who love you, this whole process is a thousand times easier.
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And if you feel discouraged because you re like, I don t have that right now,
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Don t worry.
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You can go find that.
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Don t make excuses and say, no, but like, I don t have any friends right now.
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You fucking got this.
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Start studying at a coffee shop or working at a coffee shop and just start complimenting people who walk in.
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Take a cooking class.
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I don t know why I keep saying that, but take a cooking class.
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Start talking to the person who sits next to you at school.
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Start talking to the person who sits next to you at work.
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To the best of your ability, try to build a community.
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And if you already have a community, just continue to nurture that community because happiness is only real when shared.
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I did a whole episode on that quote, but it s true.
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A fulfilling life is filled with good people.
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Life means nothing without other people.
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Next, reframe the way you think about focusing on yourself.
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It can be easy to be like, I don t want to focus on myself.
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I want to focus on my relationship.
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I want to focus on my ex.
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I don t want to think about me.
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But it can be really helpful to be like, you know what?
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this actually is kind of great in some ways.
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And you might have to really think about it, but try to get excited about the fact that the time that you used to put towards your partner can now be put towards doing things for you.
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Okay, now you get to wake up at whatever time you want on a Sunday morning.
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You don t have to wake up when your partner wakes up.
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You can watch the TV shows that you want to watch.
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You can eat what you want for dinner.
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You can work on your hobbies and passions.
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You can schedule your day however you want.
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You don t have to call or text anybody.
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Well, I mean, I guess you still probably do for your family and friends.
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But like, you don t have to tell your significant other where you are, what you re doing.
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Nope, you re free.
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Try to see it as a positive thing.
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And it can be hard and it can be sort of unnatural.
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But try to indulge in that.
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Okay, now let s discuss managing the painful thoughts, because they will come.
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And there are a lot of different types of painful thoughts that will come, but they will all come.
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And of course they will, because breakups are painful and they re terrible.
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We can t control what thoughts come into our mind, but we can control how we respond to them.
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And so let s go through some of the painful thoughts that are going to come up and how I recommend combating them.
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There are going to be moments when you re drowning in nostalgia.
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You re thinking about all of the beautiful moments that you had with your ex.
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You know that time when they farted on the train when you guys were taking the train somewhere and it was so funny because
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It smelled so bad and everybody on the train had to plug their nose.
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Oh, it was so cute.
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It was so funny.
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Or like, oh my God, the way that they used to kiss my cheek in that certain spot.
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Like, yeah, you re going to have all that.
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In those moments, it s so important to remember a quote that my dad always tells me.
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I don t know who originally said it.
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My dad did not come up with it, but
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He always says, the rose we remember, the thorns we forget, which basically means we remember the sweet moments.
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Our brains have this way of blocking out the terrible memories and just remembering the good ones.
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And this is so true in general in life.
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When I look back on vacations, I only ever remember the good moments.
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I remember this one trip I went on was a fucking mess.
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Like everything about it was terrible and I was like depressed the whole time.
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When I look back on it though, it still feels fond to me.
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when in reality I was miserable the entire time.
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I remember the handful of good moments so vividly and I can barely picture the bad moments.
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The only reason why I m even bringing them up now is because my dad always uses that trip as an example.
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He s like, Emma, you were fucking miserable on that trip.
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And I m like, oh, I know.
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But remember when we did that one thing?
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Like, you know what I m saying?
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Your brain is tricking you a little bit.
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Yeah, there were beautiful memories, but there were also terrible moments.
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That s why you re broken up.
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Okay, there were terrible moments.
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You have to remember that your mind is playing tricks on you, and you can t fully trust your brain in these moments.
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you re drunk on nostalgia.
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And so it s important to bring yourself back down to earth and see things rationally.
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When you re drunk on nostalgia, you re not remembering things properly.
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And so in these moments, it can be kind of helpful to remind yourself of the challenges that you faced in your relationship, the terrible moments that you faced in your relationship.
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because that gives you a more balanced view of what things were really like.
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You can still be sad and nostalgic, but reminding yourself of the challenges, too, will lessen that pain a little bit.
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Another thought you may have is that the pain will never go away.
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It s so easy to think, I will feel this shitty forever.
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No, you won t.
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Whenever I m experiencing pain, I always forget that it s going to pass every single time without fail until somebody reminds me, but it really always does pass.
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You ll still feel pain again in the future.
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You know, it might come up here and there, but you re in the worst of it right now.
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Be patient because you will feel better.
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You don t think you will, but you will.
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You also might find yourself feeling like this pain that you re feeling is ruining your life.
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It s getting in the way of your life.
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You might even feel like you re wasting time experiencing this pain.
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You might feel antsy to get it over with because you re like, I m not functioning right now.
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Like this is not benefiting my life experiencing this pain.
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False.
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Pain leads to growth.
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You re not wasting time by experiencing pain.
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You don t need to expedite the process.
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Sitting with the pain, experiencing the pain, and coming out the other side with an epiphany about something.
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You might not know what it is immediately, but it will always come.
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is growth.
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In fact, if you try to hide the pain, if you try to suppress the pain, you ll only prolong things and waste even more time if that s the way that you view experiencing pain.
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If you accept it as it comes, and you allow yourself to feel it, and you allow it to teach you something, it s incredibly beneficial and it is not a waste of time.
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You also may feel like you re never going to feel love like that again.
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You re never going to feel that way towards another person.
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Again, false.
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I have done some research on this and humans have
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the capacity to feel electric love romantically over and over and over again in their lives.
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That is scientifically proven.
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So take that piece of science and let that rock you to sleep tonight because you will feel love again.
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You may feel like your relationship was one of one.
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It was irreplaceable.
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You ll never feel that way again.
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The only reason why that s true is because the way that you ll love the next person is a little bit different because it s a different person, but the level in which you love them can be at the same intensity.
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You absolutely can and will feel that way again.
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Next, you might start obsessing about what your ex is doing.
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Are they dating someone new?
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Are they happier without me?
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Are they talking shit about me to their friends and family?
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You know, what are they doing?
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What is my ex doing?
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You can drown in those thoughts, but what you have to remember is what they re doing is out of your control.
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There s nothing you can do.
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Now, I know it s a lot easier said than done to not worry about the things that we can t control, but to the best of your ability, try to remind yourself of that.
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You can also find yourself thinking that you re unlovable and terrible and disgusting and hideous because you may have gotten rejected
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And even if you didn t get rejected initially and you re the one who broke up with your partner, you can still find yourself feeling unlovable, terrible, hideous, because maybe you expected your ex to come crawling back to you sooner and they haven t yet.
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Maybe you feel guilty about what you did.
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You feel guilty about breaking up with your significant other.
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Maybe you broke up with your significant other because you thought that you were a bad partner.
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You know, there are many different scenarios, but both parties can feel like they re unlovable, they re terrible, they re awful, right?
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That is not true.
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Listen, we all make mistakes.
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None of us are perfect.
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You aren t.
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Your ex isn t.
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Forgive yourself and accept yourself for who you are.
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Again, a lot easier said than done, but really work on reframing that.
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Say, listen, I m not perfect, but neither are they.
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And I m just going to work on becoming the best version of myself.
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And I know for sure that there s somebody out there who will fall in love with that because that s true.
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Another thought we may experience is, I need to figure out how this is going to really end.
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Are we going to get back together one day?
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Are we never going to speak again?
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I need to figure out what s going to happen next.
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I am so bad about this one.
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Oh my God.
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really love to do this because I m a planner.
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SPEAKER_00
Let me tell you something about me.
2
SPEAKER_00
I am a planner.
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SPEAKER_00
I love to put everything into my Google calendar and have everything scheduled down to the hour, okay?
2
SPEAKER_00
So when I m going through a breakup, I m like, I need to know if I need to be planning a wedding in six years with this person even though we re broken up now.
2
SPEAKER_00
I need to know, you know, because I need to start looking at venues.
2
SPEAKER_00
I need to start setting up meetings for that in three years because the wedding s in six years.
2
SPEAKER_00
I also need to know when they re going to text me next so that I can write that down in my calendar so I can clear my schedule for the whole day so that I can cry about it or whatever.
2
SPEAKER_00
I am a planner, so I fixate on trying to predict what s going to happen next.
2
SPEAKER_00
But again, we can t worry about what we can t control.
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SPEAKER_00
And in these moments when I m obsessing trying to plan, you know, what s going to happen, what s going to happen, I just have to remind myself, I can t control this, so I can t worry about it.
2
SPEAKER_00
I just need to let it go.
2
SPEAKER_00
And you know, with all of these painful thoughts,
2
SPEAKER_00
Sometimes it s as simple as just reminding yourself that what you re thinking is normal and that it s not true.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like, for example, you know, it s normal to feel unlovable when you re going through a breakup.
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It s normal to convince yourself that you re unlovable when you re going through a breakup.
2
SPEAKER_00
Sometimes all it takes to break the cycle is just to say, no, you know what?
2
SPEAKER_00
I am who I am.
2
SPEAKER_00
I accept that.
2
SPEAKER_00
I have flaws, but I also have strengths.
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and I m just going to continue to work on myself and one day somebody will find me and will love me.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s almost about having a positive sentiment stored in the archive of your brain so that anytime you have one of these painful thoughts, you immediately have something to combat it with that s rooted in truth and reality.
2
SPEAKER_00
Because when you re going through a breakup, you can spiral.
2
SPEAKER_00
My God, you can spiral.
2
SPEAKER_00
And you will spiral.
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but those sentiments will definitely help.
2
SPEAKER_00
All right, next piece of advice, try not to contact them.
2
SPEAKER_00
Really attempt the no contact method.
2
SPEAKER_00
I really believe in the no contact method.
2
SPEAKER_00
The no contact method is basically where you do not contact your ex for a certain amount of time.
2
SPEAKER_00
Based on my experience, I would say ideally, honestly,
2
SPEAKER_00
Have I ever done this successfully?
2
SPEAKER_00
No, but because I ve failed at this, I know that this would be successful if that makes sense.
2
SPEAKER_00
I would recommend like six months to a year.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m actually not kidding.
2
SPEAKER_00
I m not kidding because I have never successfully gone no contact with an ex and I regret it every time.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay, because if you do it too soon, when you re both still experiencing a lot of pain, it gets messy.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay, it gets messy, and it ends up causing more pain.
2
SPEAKER_00
It can be so tempting to reach out because you miss them, you want to try again, you feel like something was left unsaid, but you both need to grow and figure out what you want in life before it s responsible to speak again.
2
SPEAKER_00
You need to get to a place where you could live without them before you speak again.
2
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That s genuinely how I feel.
2
SPEAKER_00
And some might think that that s extreme and that s unrealistic.
2
SPEAKER_00
And I m being a hypocrite because I ve actually never done it successfully.
2
SPEAKER_00
I mean, I guess except for when my breakups have been permanent, when the no contact has lasted years.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I don t know.
2
SPEAKER_00
I guess I have done it.
2
SPEAKER_00
Huh.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_00
You know, but now that I think about it, I ve like gotten into new relationships six months after the last one, almost every single time.
2
SPEAKER_00
Like I m fucking back to back.
2
SPEAKER_00
So I never even have a chance, I guess.
2
SPEAKER_00
Hmm, something to think about.
2
SPEAKER_00
Maybe it s time for Emma to be single for a long period of time because I ve never really been single for that long.
2
SPEAKER_00
Listen, if you do contact each other again and it s too soon, I can almost guarantee it will cause chaos.
2
SPEAKER_00
Let s say you contact each other again.
2
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And you re like, well, maybe we could go grab a coffee.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay, next thing you know, you re back together.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay, and the next thing you know, you re breaking up again, because neither of you have grown enough and you ve just started the whole process over again.
2
SPEAKER_00
That is a fucking nightmare.
2
SPEAKER_00
I know it can be tempting sometimes when you re so sad and you miss this person so much and you just want to see them and you just want to hang out again.
2
SPEAKER_00
That leads to getting back together a lot of times.
2
SPEAKER_00
And getting back together too soon usually leads to another breakup, which then literally starts the whole thing over again.
2
SPEAKER_00
When you re in a moment where you want to text your ex, you want to rekindle, but you know it s too soon because you re not healed yet, ask yourself, do I want to start this whole process over again?
2
SPEAKER_00
I ve come so far.
2
SPEAKER_00
Do I really want to start this over again?
2
SPEAKER_00
Because I ll tell you, you broke up for a reason.
2
SPEAKER_00
You broke up for a reason.
2
SPEAKER_00
Both of you have some growing to do.
2
SPEAKER_00
Growth doesn t happen overnight.
2
SPEAKER_00
It doesn t even happen in two months.
2
SPEAKER_00
It happens in six months.
2
SPEAKER_00
It happens in a year.
2
SPEAKER_00
It happens in five years.
2
SPEAKER_00
Six months is like generous.
2
SPEAKER_00
Okay, that s when you have minor things to fix.
2
SPEAKER_00
Sometimes it takes five years to grow.
2
SPEAKER_00
And if you get back together before the growth happens, no.
2
SPEAKER_00
Now let s give another scenario.
2
SPEAKER_00
Let s say you start talking again and one person wants to rekindle the relationship and the other person doesn t.
2
SPEAKER_00
In my opinion, it causes more hurt for the person who got rejected because they wanted to
2
SPEAKER_00
try things again and the other person didn t, than if things were just left unsaid.
2
SPEAKER_00
Because if things are just left unsaid, then there s no rejection in a way.
2
SPEAKER_00
It hurts ten times worse to be told and reminded again that your partner doesn t want to be with you.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s easier and less painful to just leave it alone.
2
SPEAKER_00
I think of it like this.
2
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Imagine your breakup is a cut, okay?
2
SPEAKER_00
It s this gaping wound on your leg when you first break up.
2
SPEAKER_00
Every day that goes by, this wound on your leg starts to scab up, and eventually the wound will get fully scabbed up, and then eventually the scab will go away.
2
SPEAKER_00
and you ll be left with a tiny little scar because breakups never leave you unscathed, now do they?
2
SPEAKER_00
Relationships never leave you unscathed.
2
SPEAKER_00
You will always have a little scar there, but that cut can get hit and scratched again and it doesn t hurt as bad anymore.
2
SPEAKER_00
It doesn t hurt nearly as bad anymore.
2
SPEAKER_00
Maybe every once in a while the scar will get bumped in a certain way and it
3
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it ll hurt really bad again, but for the most part, it s a healed wound.
3
SPEAKER_00
Well, when I think of the healing process of a breakup, every time you open up a line of communication with your ex, you re picking off some pieces of the scab, and a little bit of blood s starting to come out.
3
SPEAKER_00
You re making the cut worse again.
3
SPEAKER_00
You re taking a few steps back.
3
SPEAKER_00
Now, sometimes you can t control yourself, and you re like, I just need to tell this person happy birthday.
3
SPEAKER_00
All right, that s fine.
3
SPEAKER_00
You re still making it worse a little bit.
3
SPEAKER_00
But sometimes that s worth it for you.
3
SPEAKER_00
Sometimes you really want to do that.
3
SPEAKER_00
But the more you indulge in communication with them, the more of that scab you re ripping off.
3
SPEAKER_00
And you just have to know that and you have to weigh the pros and cons because that just prolongs the healing process.
3
SPEAKER_00
All right.
3
SPEAKER_00
Next, you got to restrain from stalking their social media.
3
SPEAKER_00
I know.
3
SPEAKER_00
I know.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I know.
3
SPEAKER_00
This one s tough.
3
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because you want to see what the fuck they re up to.
3
SPEAKER_00
You just went from being so close with this person, arguably as close to a person as you can be, to being strangers again.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s incredibly unsettling.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s deeply unnerving.
3
SPEAKER_00
You re attached to this person, and it can help you feel connected to them if you re keeping up with what they re doing on social media.
3
SPEAKER_00
And you know, I think for some people, this is fine.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, if your ex doesn t really use social media that much, they only post once a month, and it s like a picture of them holding up a fish that they just caught.
3
SPEAKER_00
Or it s like a picture of them, I don t know, playing soccer, like they re a soccer player.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s like, okay.
3
SPEAKER_00
If they don t use social media as like a diary, they don t update their social media on a day-to-day basis, you might be fine to continue following them and maybe even looking at their page every once in a while.
3
SPEAKER_00
If they re not an avid social media user, it s fine.
3
SPEAKER_00
But in this day and age, most people are.
3
SPEAKER_00
And you have to really try not to look at their social media.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m talking about muting them.
3
SPEAKER_00
At times it might make sense to block them.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t necessarily love that method unless this person has really truly wronged you, in which case I think you block.
3
SPEAKER_00
But if you guys are still on good terms, I don t think you should block.
3
SPEAKER_00
It can be sort of tempting though because you re like, I just want to block this person out completely.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think that might be a little extreme.
3
SPEAKER_00
They cheated on you, block that bitch.
3
SPEAKER_00
Sorry, but try to get them out of your feet.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s step one.
3
SPEAKER_00
Step two, try to prevent yourself from going out of your way to stop them.
3
SPEAKER_00
It can be tempting, okay?
3
SPEAKER_00
You want to see who they re hanging out with.
3
SPEAKER_00
You want to see what they re doing.
3
SPEAKER_00
You want to see who they re following.
3
SPEAKER_00
Are they following anyone new?
3
SPEAKER_00
Are they dating someone new?
3
SPEAKER_00
You can go down a rabbit hole trying to figure out what the fuck they re doing.
3
SPEAKER_00
And let me tell you, I ve done it.
3
SPEAKER_00
I have fucking done it.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh my God.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like I remember with one of my exes, I was like, I figured out that they had a new girlfriend.
3
SPEAKER_00
Ooh, it was so, actually by the time they had a new girlfriend, I was kind of relaxed, you know?
3
SPEAKER_00
Like I was, I don t know, probably six months into the breakup and I was starting to feel strong again.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so it kind of ruffled my feathers, but I was like, listen, good for them.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like I was able to actually be like good for them.
3
SPEAKER_00
God bless their souls.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_00
But I found that out immediately through stalking.
3
SPEAKER_00
I knew immediately when they were dating because I stalked.
3
SPEAKER_00
Even before they were saying it, I figured it out.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know what I m saying?
3
SPEAKER_00
It was crazy.
3
SPEAKER_00
But here s the thing.
3
SPEAKER_00
Here s why this is bad for you.
3
SPEAKER_00
Number one, you can start to assume things about their life based on their social media that are not true.
3
SPEAKER_00
They start following new people on Instagram.
3
SPEAKER_00
You can start
3
SPEAKER_00
obsessing over if they re dating one of them.
3
SPEAKER_00
They re posting on their Instagram that they re so happy and their life is perfect and you can start to believe that illusion.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know how social media is.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s all an illusion, okay?
3
SPEAKER_00
You have no idea what the fuck s going on.
3
SPEAKER_00
Things might look fine and dandy on the outside, like they re just thriving.
3
SPEAKER_00
They re probably not.
3
SPEAKER_00
No one is ever thriving as much in real life as they look like they are on social media, ever, without fail.
3
SPEAKER_00
And when you re in this vulnerable state of mind, it s just better to not go down that rabbit hole.
3
SPEAKER_00
You re too fragile and you re not in a rational state of mind.
3
SPEAKER_00
You re not in a stable state of mind.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s easy for you to spiral.
3
SPEAKER_00
So it s better to just avoid all of that altogether.
3
SPEAKER_00
On top of that, you might see something that you really don t want to see, okay?
3
SPEAKER_00
Some would argue that seeing something you don t want to see can give you closure, but I think it s much healthier to try to find closure within yourself instead of finding it through something you didn t want to see on social media.
3
SPEAKER_00
I mentioned this in the last episode, so I won t go too deep into it, but I also think it s important to remove all signs of them from your home.
3
SPEAKER_00
Take down photos from the wall, take gifts that they gave you and put them in the garage.
3
SPEAKER_00
Remove all signs of this person.
3
SPEAKER_00
Not in a disrespectful way, necessarily, but just getting all triggers out of your sight.
3
SPEAKER_00
Anything that could trigger a memory of them, out of your sight.
3
SPEAKER_00
Next, try not to ask mutual friends what they re up to.
3
SPEAKER_00
As tempting as it is,
3
SPEAKER_00
Just know that this information might hurt you, and even if it doesn t hurt you, you re just better off not knowing.
3
SPEAKER_00
The further away you can get from this person, the better.
3
SPEAKER_00
You don t need to know what they re up to.
3
SPEAKER_00
That only takes a little bit more scab off the wound.
3
SPEAKER_00
In a weird way, it s like connecting with them.
3
SPEAKER_00
All of these things, stalking their social media, asking mutual friends what they re up to,
3
SPEAKER_00
shooting them a text, all of these things reconnect you with the person.
3
SPEAKER_00
And every time you reconnect with the person, you rip a little bit more scab off the wound and you prolong the healing process.
3
SPEAKER_00
And lastly, indulge in nostalgia when you really need to, but don t overindulge.
3
SPEAKER_00
You might have moments where you want to go and look at old photos and you want to just cry and you want to miss that person.
3
SPEAKER_00
Allow yourself to do that.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, I d argue it s responsible to do that.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, if you re looking back at good memories and stuff, I think that that s healthy to an extent.
3
SPEAKER_00
When you re a few months out from the breakup, you need to get back to your life, right?
3
SPEAKER_00
So you need to start setting some parameters, okay?
3
SPEAKER_00
15 minutes.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m going to give myself 15 minutes to look at old photos and fucking cry.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m going to set a timer.
3
SPEAKER_00
I ve done this.
3
SPEAKER_00
I have done this.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like, I ve randomly stumbled upon a photo of me and an ex and just started crying.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then I ve started to scroll and look at more photos of us and just cry more, cry more.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then I ve taken a moment to pause and say, OK, I m going to give myself 10 more minutes of this and then I m done.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I ve set a fucking timer and let myself just cry and look.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then the second the timer goes off, nope, phone s off, back to my life.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay, last piece of advice.
3
SPEAKER_00
Distract yourself responsibly.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is honestly the most important, in my opinion, because when you re going through a breakup, you re vulnerable and temptation is everywhere.
3
SPEAKER_00
You want to distract yourself during a breakup.
3
SPEAKER_00
You have to distract yourself during a breakup, but you have to do so responsibly or else you re just going to cause more pain for yourself long term.
3
SPEAKER_00
But when there are all of these tempting, instantly gratifying distractions available, you can be more prone to participating in these things because you re already vulnerable, you re going through a breakup.
3
SPEAKER_00
But it s so important to try not to.
3
SPEAKER_00
To start, don t rush into something new to numb the pain.
3
SPEAKER_00
It can be so tempting to go through a breakup and immediately be like, I just need to find somebody to have sex with like now.
3
SPEAKER_00
Or, you know, even like I need to find somebody to make out with right now.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like I just need to go find somebody now.
3
SPEAKER_00
I need to get on a dating app.
3
SPEAKER_00
I need to start going on dates now.
3
SPEAKER_00
I fucking get it.
3
SPEAKER_00
I get it.
3
SPEAKER_00
Because a lot of times during a breakup, your ego is bruised.
3
SPEAKER_00
You feel unlovable.
3
SPEAKER_00
You feel
3
SPEAKER_00
uncertain about what you provide in a romantic scenario.
3
SPEAKER_00
And you want to be proved wrong.
3
SPEAKER_00
You want to be proved that you are lovable, that you are hot and awesome.
3
SPEAKER_00
On top of that, romance is an incredible distraction in general.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, just romance in itself is a great distraction.
3
SPEAKER_00
So there are many reasons why we might try to get under somebody to get over somebody, as they always say.
3
SPEAKER_00
But I do think it s important to be careful with this.
3
SPEAKER_00
Listen, I do think that there is some value in maybe getting it out of your system a little bit.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, go make out with a few people, maybe have sex with somebody.
3
SPEAKER_00
Get it out of your system, but I think it s important not to overdo it.
3
SPEAKER_00
There is something valuable there.
3
SPEAKER_00
But I will admit that even though there are some beneficial things about hooking up with somebody after a breakup, I also think that it can make things worse sometimes.
4
SPEAKER_00
I made a whole episode about hookup culture and why I think it s kind of messy.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s like very challenging.
4
SPEAKER_00
There are kind of a lot of cons that come with it.
4
SPEAKER_00
So if you want to hear me talk about hookup culture more in depth, go check out that episode.
4
SPEAKER_00
I won t
4
SPEAKER_00
beat it to death now.
4
SPEAKER_00
But I think what ultimately happens when you hook up with somebody too soon after a breakup is that you expect the emptiness that you feel due to the breakup to go away after you hook up with somebody.
4
SPEAKER_00
You re like, once I get this first person over with and I get it out of my system, I m going to feel better.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m going to feel completely removed from my ex.
4
SPEAKER_00
I ll feel free and the sadness will be gone and everything will be great.
4
SPEAKER_00
And guess what s going to happen?
4
SPEAKER_00
the emptiness will come back.
4
SPEAKER_00
And when it does, it comes back harder, because now you re experiencing the disappointment that the pain didn t go away, along with missing your ex like you did before.
4
SPEAKER_00
On top of that, you can compare your ex to the person that you just hooked up with and a lot of times your ex will look better because you actually had a relationship with that person.
4
SPEAKER_00
You had a foundation there.
4
SPEAKER_00
With this new random person that you hooked up with, you probably don t.
4
SPEAKER_00
You know what I m saying?
4
SPEAKER_00
So I do think that it can be nice to get it over with and break the cycle because it can at times help you feel a bit further removed from your ex.
4
SPEAKER_00
But there are risks because if you expect the pain to go away,
4
SPEAKER_00
it won t and then it ll only cause more pain.
4
SPEAKER_00
And again, I made a whole episode about it.
4
SPEAKER_00
So go listen to that.
4
SPEAKER_00
But I don t know.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s tough.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s tough.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s also important not to find a rebound relationship.
4
SPEAKER_00
Again, it can be so tempting to just go and start dating somebody else.
4
SPEAKER_00
But you don t want to date somebody else until you re fully healed from this last person.
4
SPEAKER_00
Because guess what?
4
SPEAKER_00
If you go into another thing too soon, you re going to end up fucking that up and having another breakup.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then you re going to have a whole nother wound that you have to deal with.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s tempting to be the first one to move on.
4
SPEAKER_00
Like, oh, I want to start dating somebody new before my ex does.
4
SPEAKER_00
But can I tell you something?
4
SPEAKER_00
In my opinion, it s really admirable when I see someone go through a breakup and not rush into something new.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s really admirable to me because it shows me that that person is truly independent.
4
SPEAKER_00
They don t need anyone else.
4
SPEAKER_00
Like, it genuinely inspires me.
4
SPEAKER_00
And every time I m going through a breakup and I find myself feeling that pressure, I try to remind myself of that.
4
SPEAKER_00
Obviously it doesn t work because I end up dating somebody new so fast.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m just, I m just, I m such a lover over here.
4
SPEAKER_00
I just love being in a relationship.
4
SPEAKER_00
I love being a girlfriend, don t I?
4
SPEAKER_00
All right.
4
SPEAKER_00
Next, during the first week or two of a breakup, you want to indulge in life, okay?
4
SPEAKER_00
You want to lay in bed all day.
4
SPEAKER_00
You want to watch movies all day.
4
SPEAKER_00
You want to neglect your responsibilities, and it s kind of okay to do that for a little bit, but you can t do that for too long.
4
SPEAKER_00
You can t continue to overindulge, and so it s very important not to overindulge in distractions that end up making you feel like shit and lowering your self-esteem.
4
SPEAKER_00
You don t want to go and party too much.
4
SPEAKER_00
You don t want to be drinking too much or using various substances.
4
SPEAKER_00
You don t want to drown yourself in social media and entertainment.
4
SPEAKER_00
You don t want to get too comfortable and stop taking care of yourself physically and mentally.
4
SPEAKER_00
You don t want to start slacking on work to do things that just feel good.
4
SPEAKER_00
Balance in our lives builds our self-esteem.
4
SPEAKER_00
You know, when we have a balance between discipline and play, we feel good about ourselves.
4
SPEAKER_00
When we re taking care of ourselves mentally and physically, we feel good about ourselves.
4
SPEAKER_00
Healing from a breakup is also healing self-esteem a lot of times.
4
SPEAKER_00
And if you overindulge, you re only lowering your self-esteem more.
4
SPEAKER_00
And so you still have to have a level of discipline with yourself, but it will make you feel better long-term.
4
SPEAKER_00
You know, the gratification is delayed, but it s worth it.
4
SPEAKER_00
And there are so many ways to distract yourself positively.
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Socialize in responsible ways that are uplifting and have a net positive impact in your life.
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Hang out in safe environments with people who bring out the best in you.
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Have a little glass of wine, maybe have three, but don t do it every night.
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You know, don t go to the bar every night, don t go to the club every night.
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Keep it responsible.
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Instead of going out and hooking up with people left and right, focus on making new friends, especially in the category of people that you re sexually attracted to, okay?
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This is a responsible way to get a little flirty while protecting yourself from getting into something too soon, which would obviously end in catastrophe.
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while working towards your goal of finding a new partner.
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The best relationships are founded on friendship.
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I think the best move is to try to make as many friends as you can with people who could potentially be a partner down the line.
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This is advice that my dad gave me.
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My dad gives me all of the advice and then I just steal it and don t give credit.
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Actually, I always give credit.
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But my dad always tells me, he s like, you just need to go make friends.
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Go make friends with guys.
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Stop trying to like hook up with that.
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Stop.
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Go be friends with guys.
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You don t need to date them now.
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You don t need to.
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Get with them now.
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Stop.
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Be friends with them.
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And maybe it ll turn into something more when you re ready.
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But you re not ready right now.
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So fucking stop and go and make some friends.
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And that sort of satisfies the craving for like a hookup in a way.
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Because you can start developing crushes and stuff when you re making friends.
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And arguably one of the most fun times in a relationship is when you just have a crush on them.
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I don t know.
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I think that hookup culture has sort of ruined this idea of being friends first.
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And I think it s really a shame because I think it s a great way to heal during a breakup while simultaneously satisfying that urge to sort of move on, you know, hook up with somebody else, date somebody else.
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And that s pretty much all I got, except for the obvious, which is that you got to just feel every feeling as it comes and continue to be patient with yourself.
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It s not a linear healing process.
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There are going to be good days.
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There are going to be bad days.
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There s no sort of timeline.
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Like, for example, I Googled breakup timeline for women.
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I was just curious to see what came up.
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you know, breakup timeline for women versus men.
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And it said, you know, the first few weeks for women are really tough.
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And then like a month after, they re feeling better.
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And then three months after, oh, now they re totally fine.
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They re completely healed.
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And then it showed the guy timeline.
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And it was like, first day, the guy s feeling relieved.
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And then the first week, the guy s feeling all right.
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And then like three months after, the guy is a mess and finally realizes what they ve lost.
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Yeah, that might be true for some people, but I have gone through breakups where I ve been totally fine the first week, totally fine the second week.
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Two months in, all of a sudden, I m a fucking wreck.
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A wreck.
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Two months in, all of a sudden, it s like, what the fuck is going on?
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Like, everything was fine.
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I thought I was over it.
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And then two months in, it s like, oh my God, I miss this person so much.
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I need them back now.
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I need to see them now.
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It s not linear, okay?
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Don t hold yourself to some sort of timeline.
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And really just let yourself cry and feel the pain as it comes.
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If you fight it, you prolong the process.
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And Lord knows, the process does not need to be prolonged, okay?
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It s long enough.
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So anyway, that s all my breakup advice.
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I mean, listen, it s nothing new.
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I m not inventing anything here, but this is all based off of my experience.
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These are tips and tricks that have worked for me, and I hope that these are helpful for you, unless you re not going through a breakup, then lucky you.
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And if you re one of those few people out there who will never go through a breakup because you marry your first love,
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live happily ever after.
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God bless you.
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Why do I keep saying God bless?
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I m in a holy mood today.
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I don t know, maybe that s good.
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We ll see where that gets me for the rest of the day.
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Well, it is actually 11 p.m.
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right now when I m recording this.
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There s not much left to my day today, but I really appreciate you all listening to this and hanging out, and I m just sending you all so much love.
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If you enjoyed this episode and want to tune into the next one, new episodes every Thursday and Sunday, stream anywhere you listen to podcasts, watch video exclusively on Spotify.
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Follow Anything Goes on Instagram at anythinggoes.
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Follow me on Instagram at Emma Chamberlain.
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If you want to check out my coffee company, check it out, chamberlaincoffee.com, at chamberlaincoffee on Instagram.
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You can shop online.
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You can check out the store locator and see if we re in a store near you.
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Check out our new lattes in a can.
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They may be in a retailer near you, so go on the store locator.
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They re really good.
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We have
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A new oat milk version, a latte with oat milk, comes in some fun flavors, so go find it in a retailer near you.
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That s all I have.
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Breakups suck, you guys, but they re honestly epic because you really do transform at the end.
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I have never once gone through a breakup and come out the other side worse off.
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I always come out the other side
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with so much more wisdom.
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And that s something to be excited about.
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So we love breakups.
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They re actually fun, you guys.
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No, they re actually fun.
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Okay, they re not fun.
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Okay, I ll talk to you guys later.
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I love you all and appreciate you all.
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And I hope you have a phenomenal rest of your day.
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Okay, bye.
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I love you.