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Welcome to the Art of Charm.
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I m your host, Jordan Harbinger.
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I m here with producer Jason DeFilippo.
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Here at the Art of Charm, we may not have all the answers, but we certainly have some of the questions, and today, on Fan Mail Friday, those questions come from you.
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, Fan Mail Friday, in my opinion, not the best place to start, because most of our content is more in-depth, it s a longer format, so check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox, or if you ve got our app,
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You see separate tabs for those there in your iPhone.
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We ve got fundamentals there, body language, nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, influence, persuasion, everything we teach here at The Art of Charm.
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And we ll send that to your inbox if you text CHARMED, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444 here in the USA.
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Everywhere else, just go to theartofcharm.com.
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Alright, let s cut to it.
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Hi Jordan, I wanted to drop you a note after I listened to the latest Fan Mail Friday with Kim.
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I was really disappointed in the answer you provided to the woman who was nicknamed Soldier.
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I know you were hesitant to offer the wear heels solution, but the fact that there was no alternative advice was kind of shocking.
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She could have tried yoga, or taken a dance class, salsa maybe to get her to move differently.
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Start journaling, or take a writing course, something to get her to tap into her emotions.
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Arts, ceramics, music.
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Jeez, so many options.
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Put on heels was not only the lazy way out, it is so detrimental to her as a woman.
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Wearing heels is the expectation of the patriarchal society we are trying to change.
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I m not meaning to scold, but I bet a larger portion of your audience than you know is female.
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I just started listening and heard about it from a female friend.
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You have a great opportunity to give strong advice to women who need it.
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Spinning the same patriarchal BS is not only hurtful to the women listening, but also the men.
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You are setting standards.
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I went searching on your website to find contact info, and in my meandering across your pages, saw no female presence.
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In your podcast, you say it s for men and women, but I don t see much evidence of that.
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I think you have a genuine heart and a true desire to make change in the lives of real people.
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I would encourage you to do some deeper diving into the female experience so you can reach that demographic with the same intention and conviction as your male audience.
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All the best, Allie.
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Hey Allie, definitely good stuff there.
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I sometimes struggle with the female advice because I m not a woman and never have been as far as y all know, but I m glad that you ladies are looking out for one another and I m happy to be the conduit for that wherever possible, even if I look a little bit silly in the meantime.
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So take it from me, I did get a
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I got a breakup letter from one of my female AOC fans about something similar to this and I think that there s some valid criticism here in that sometimes I don t have the proper perspective or the same perspective as somebody who s actually a woman in the workplace might have and I hope you guys can forgive me for that because I m doing the best I can over here.
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But again, I m happy to be the conduit for good advice from you to other AOC sisters and I get the best experts that I can wherever possible.
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So I m looking out for you in my own little way.
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And, Allie, I will pass this along to Kim as well, who gave the advice that you disagree with, so that we can both learn from your opinion and your advice as well.
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Thank you.
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Next question.
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Hey, guys.
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While I was still in college, I lived with my mom.
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After I moved out and got roommates, I received an opportunity to be mentored by a well-respected chef and learn the kitchen in his footsteps.
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While I had no kitchen experience prior to accepting that job offer, he saw that I had quick learning potential and is currently teaching me everything he knows.
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However, a dream of mine ever since I was little was to tour the world like a rock star and play live music.
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I mostly pushed this dream aside, though, for quote-unquote realistic reasons, until I was in college, when I hung out with a buddy of mine from high school and we rapped.
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A lot.
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After countless freestyle rapping sessions over the years, we ve actually both turned lyrically into pretty good artists.
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Talking about this with my buddy, who makes beats and electronic music production, I thought to myself, hey, this could pan out and we d be rich.
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I d accomplish my dream.
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Why not take a shot?
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I m young.
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But now that I ve dropped out of college and work full-time in the kitchen, which is grueling work if you didn t know, I feel I can t write and I have such a hard time being creative or just focusing on music.
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Am I letting my dream slip away?
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To me, it feels like my life is being pulled in a current and I m not sure if I m supposed to be going that way or not.
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I still really desire to make music and tour the world, but I don t write as much anymore, and I haven t been good about going over to my buddy s house to produce, even when he invites me over.
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I know big dreams like that are hard to accomplish, and there has to be countless nights spent awake working on your side gig, but I m just so tired all the time with working in the kitchen, and I can t stay up late like I used to now that I have to work at 9am.
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I m taking it day by day, doing what feels most right, but I just hate not having direction in my life.
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I was wondering if you had an outside opinion.
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Thanks, Cody.
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hitting the edges for you?
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Is it pushing the edges?
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If not, why are you still there?
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If you want something bad enough, the music thing, you can work in the industry, you can get paid jack, but you can be able to work on your craft as a starving artist.
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If you re not willing to starve, you re not willing to do what it takes to succeed.
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So push those edges or rally and find creative time by planning it into your off days.
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Artists who get good can t not create.
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And so right now it sounds like you re saying, well, I m working in a kitchen and I don t feel relaxed and creative all the time anymore.
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Well, you know, there s a reason that people who are giving their all to a music industry or some sort of other craft or art,
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they often have trouble making ends meet because they work menial jobs to pay the bills.
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You don t have to work in a kitchen, you chose to do it.
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This is a matter of your choices.
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You seem to be asking me why you can t have both, and the answer is, of course, obvious, you told me yourself, because one kills your creativity.
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So find something else that doesn t, or forget about the creative option entirely and double down on what you want to actually do and what you want to actually learn.
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It sounds really simple, but what we need to focus on here is,
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Are you gonna have a creative pursuit, or are you going to work on the craft of cooking and working in a kitchen?
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You can do both, you just have to plan it, and you can t complain that one saps your energy for the other.
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If you don t like one of these pursuits at all, then stop doing that one and find something else that will pay the bills in the meantime.
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It s simple, but I think often people need a little bit of a kick in the pants to realize that you sometimes, at least in the beginning, cannot have your cake and eat it too.
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Alright, next up.
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Hey Jordan, thank you so much for doing the podcast.
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I binge listened while doing an extremely dull summer job.
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There wasn t a lot of opportunity to change jobs at the time, but listening got me excited about all the better jobs that I can work towards once I m out of school.
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I still work there occasionally, and I m doing more interesting activities, and the boss really adores me.
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I definitely owe at least part of that to you.
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My question for you isn t about work, but just a general life question.
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What is the appropriate way to respond to questions that you don t want to answer?
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A lot of people in my friend circles are from large, happy Christian families.
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When they introduce me to new people, I ll often be asked about family.
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It s usually awkward because they seem to expect that, like them, I m close with my family.
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The conversation often starts with them asking about my parents and then me telling them my dad is no longer living.
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They ll usually respond by asking more about his death, inquiring about siblings, I don t have any, or commenting that my mom and I must be close, and we re not.
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I loathe when this happens with people I don t know because 1.
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It s negative and 2.
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It puts me in a vulnerable position.
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I ve had really awesome, deep conversations with strangers through this, but 90% of the time, I don t really want to get into a deep, vulnerable conversation with someone I m just meeting.
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I found it s helpful to instead say something like, it s just my mom and I at home.
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But saying this still feels uncomfortable, because although my mom and I aren t enemies or anything, I have a lot of bad memories associated with home.
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Also, I think responding like that makes me sound closed off.
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I ll usually offer some information about what my mom does or something, but I really don t like going down that route either.
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The conversation is saved, but it still puts me in a situation where I feel vulnerable or disadvantaged.
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Do you think there is a better way to handle this sort of thing?
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Thanks, and keep up the great work.
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Afraid to answer.
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hey afraid to answer, I can definitely empathize with this.
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There s a lot of different times where I don t feel like answering what I do or I don t feel like talking about a certain subject or I don t feel like talking at all because I ve been talking all day on this microphone and I just wanna have a quiet evening.
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I definitely agree that a lot of times when you have to explain certain things, it s negative, it puts you in a vulnerable position or can put you in a vulnerable position.
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So we re gonna use a little spy slash CIA technique that I also use all the time because of my job.
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So the technique is called deflect, defer, and disclose.
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And essentially, the deflection looks like this.
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Somebody asks you a question you re not really into talking about, you can say, well, that s a whole saga, that s a story for another day.
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You can smile, and then you defer, and ask about them.
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So that s the whole saga story for another day, that s deflection, and then immediately you follow it up with defer.
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So you re smiling, you ask about them, so you re back on them, you re passing that hot potato back to them.
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After that, you can disclose some if they push the issue.
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Well, you know, there s always drama between the parents or there can be a little tension sometimes between the parents and I m still there.
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You know, it s never that healthy for someone my age to be at home.
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too much, and you can smile and let it go.
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That is deflect, defer, and disclose.
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And of course, you want to avoid disclosure if you don t want to talk about it, but deflect and defer will come in very, very handy.
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And the default sort of line that I use is, well, that s a whole saga, that s a whole story for another day.
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Smile and ask about them.
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We also teach this much more in depth and we go through different types of examples in our social capital course about networking because we use it a lot there.
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So this isn t just
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For personal questions, this can be literally any question, any conversational topic, and when, of course, when we re networking and creating relationships, we want to talk more about them than we do us.
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So Deflect, Defer, Disclose comes in handy across the board.
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Hope that helps.
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Hey, Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
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Thanks for listening and supporting the Art of Charm.
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For a list of all of the amazing sponsors and discount codes, visit theartofcharm.com slash advertisers.
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Now, back to Fan Mail Friday.
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Alright, next on deck.
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This letter is in response to Monica from Fan Mail Friday number 87.
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I will be 50 next summer and my parents, as well as my brother, say that I am the cause of all their problems and my parents still tell me that I was a mistake and should never have been born.
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Along those lines, I too was a drunk, drugged up mess in my 20s and I made several key mistakes financially and emotionally.
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I live with those sins to this day.
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When I got sober the first time, I was dying of AIDS and nobody wanted to help, including my parents and family.
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I did not stay sober for long during that period.
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They just wanted me to die.
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I legally changed my name to get away from the ghost of the man my father named me after, and that was displeasing to my parents.
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Second, in 2001, I packed up my house and moved to Canada because I was granted a birthright citizenship.
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My parents were incensed.
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I was getting sober a second time and trying to get my life in order.
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What I m trying to say is this.
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Negative family is a liability and not an asset.
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My family still sees me and perceives me in the same light they did when I was in my 20s.
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They won t allow me to grow up and are stuck in sick delusions that I will never be good enough or that I will become a man of means, morals and values.
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However hard I ve tried in recovery to make amends and grow up in their eyes, that will never happen.
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Negative words that come from family can persist into our adulthoods and can negatively affect who we become and that is way harder when we screwed up our lives with the drink and drugs.
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At some point, we get sober and have to deal with the wreckage, inventories, amends, and so forth and so on.
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And that negative tape of, I m not good enough, begins to play.
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For some, they cannot turn the tape off.
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When it comes to toxic family, we must be separated from that toxicity for one s own sanity and sobriety.
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I know, and it s the experience of many in the rooms, that family, sane or insane, sick or well, hold perceptions of who we once were and may not be today.
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That is all about them and not about us.
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You can t change how others perceive you in the now.
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And that is particularly difficult for people getting sober who deal with the I m-not-good-enough tape.
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In my parents  eyes, I am still the stupid mistake maker in my 20s.
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I will never be the man I am today, fast approaching my 50s.
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They will never let me grow up and be a man in their eyes.
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I ve had to clearly break ties with those toxic people in order to get my life and spirit back.
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They say we should take it slow in early sobriety.
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No two people are the same.
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When it comes to issues of insecurity and not good enough, I encourage Monica to keep going and to know she is good enough and that she can be the woman she wants to be in all areas of life.
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In sobriety, that may take some time.
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You just have to push through the negativity and get to the other side.
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Cheers, Jeremy in Montreal.
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Jeremy, thank you so much.
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Really, really cool to see AOC family helping each other out.
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This has been a theme of this episode that I really, really appreciate.
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So thanks so much for being vulnerable, sharing, and giving Monica a little bit of an extra boost, I hope.
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Now, I want to wrap with a really quick story.
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I thought I became a lawyer for no reason, but it actually turns out that I d hit the target I was aiming at.
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It was just the wrong target.
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And the story s been creeping up a little bit as we talk more about what can I do with my life, like Cody wrote in earlier.
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And I ll give you an example about how this sort of shaped up.
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People always ask me how I got into this and why I became a lawyer instead, and all these little different kind of paths my life has taken.
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And I was thinking about this, and I remember when I was young, when I was a teenager,
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I heard there was a city meeting to ban skateboarding, and I didn t really care.
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I wasn t going to skate.
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Jason, I know you re a skater, but I didn t care.
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The other kids really did care.
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And I thought that if I showed up and I made a good argument, then I might be some kind of hero and the other kids would like me and it would be a popularity thing.
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That was the game plan.
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The other kids had planned to show up and be stupid and cause trouble, which of course is kind of a dumb kid thing to do at a meeting like that.
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And I talked them out of it, I explained why, I said I thought I could get them to show up and support my argument, which is that skating kept all of us kids from doing other bad stuff, and they could ban it in certain areas, but not others, and eventually they d build a skate park, hopefully, which is something that I did not yet know existed.
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And of course I failed, and I ended up being the only kid who showed up to that meeting.
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And at the time, I thought it was typical flaky skater kind of stuff.
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Turns out it was a typical teenager thing, of course.
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I just happen to not be a typical teenager, at least in that respect.
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So in the end, that was the beginning of knowing what I might want to do, which is help others maybe get a little bit of glory in the process, especially as a teenager.
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It just turned out that I went for the obvious target, the established path, that legal path of becoming an attorney, and that I hadn t actually thought to forge a path of my own.
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So the next time you get a whiff of passion or find something that sparks in you, explore those edges a little.
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Don t just go for what hits it right on the nose.
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You might find what really drives you.
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And in my case, the show, and not becoming an attorney, it was the less obvious answer, but far, far more accurate and rewarding, at least in my case.
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So explore the edges.
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I hope you all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget, you can email us, friday at theartofcharm.com.
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We ll answer some of your questions live on the air here.
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A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at theartofcharm.com slash fmf89.
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Also, don t forget about the Art of Charm Challenge.
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Text charmed to 33444, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D-H-A-R-M-E-D.
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to 33444 in the U.S.
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or everywhere else, just go to theartofcharm.com.
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We re taking you step-by-step, helping you become better at making personal and professional connections, becoming a better networker, increasing your personal social capital, your charisma, and it s for both guys and gals, so check that out.
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Text CHARMED, C-H-A-R-M-E-D, to 33444 here in the U.S.A.
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Anywhere else, just go to theartofcharm.com.
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By the way, I do a lot of speaking these days as well.
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If you re interested in having me come and speak to your organization, especially companies, charities, things like that, just reach out to me here, jordanattheartofcharm.com.
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Quick shout out to Emma B. in Thailand and her brother in New Zealand who discuss new episodes of AOC on their Skype calls when they catch up.
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That is an honor to be a part of those conversations.
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And Christian Nixon from Trinidad and Tobago.
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He sent
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some ideas from taking better naps, which I appreciate.
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Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up and I will shout you out.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com, including info on our live residential boot camps, those we run every single week here in LA.
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If you really want to dig into this stuff and work on your AOC skills with us as your coaches, that s bootcamp.theartofcharm.com.
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Now stay charming, get out there and connect, and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to the Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.