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Expand your world and realize every challenge that s ever been brought to me has made me more.
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I ve become more so I can serve more.
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So I can enjoy more.
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That s why we re here in this life.
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To bring more good, more great.
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To bring insight, to bring strength, to bring action.
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That s why we re here.
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Welcome to the Tony Robbins podcast.
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You re listening to an episode that s part of a special season on contribution, Force for Good.
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We re exploring the 10 gifts of life, emotion, drive, growth, joy, gratitude, connection, consciousness, grace, presence, and forgiveness.
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You ll hear Tony explain each gift and hear stories of true heroes that illustrate how they show up in real life.
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We hope you enjoy this episode on the power of presence.
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Olivia is 13.
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She has been diagnosed on the autism spectrum, autism level 1, which used to be called Asperger s.
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She s wired a little differently than me or the rest of us.
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By the way, aren t we all wired a little differently?
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She has that classification, which sometimes is helpful, sometimes it s not.
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But she s a really special kid.
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She is passionate about art.
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She is kind.
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She s generous.
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She says please and thank you.
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She is figuring out her way in the world as a teenage girl.
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She is quite into LGBTQ plus issues and social justice and activism and she s brilliant.
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Mia is 11 and has type 1 diabetes.
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She was diagnosed when she was 9 a couple of years ago and we have been managing that.
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She is a wizard with managing her health and actually in many ways has caused me to just step up and eat differently and think about what I put in my body.
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I think she s raised the game for all of us in our family to think about how we perceive health.
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She loves theater.
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She has a beautiful voice.
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She has a kind heart.
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She cares about animals and endangered species.
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And she s my little pearl.
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That s Ken Allen talking about his two daughters, Olivia and Mia.
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Ken is the founder of Seaport Capital Partners, a financial and strategic advisory firm that he started just one year ago after being laid off from his job after 20 years on Wall Street.
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Ken bounced back, but not after a period of struggle, as he realized how much of himself he had not given to his family all those years, how checked out he d been.
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He was there, but he wasn t really there.
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In other words, he wasn t present.
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Let s hear from Tony on how important it is to be present for your loved ones.
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Happy holidays.
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Welcome back for another week here, looking at the powers and gifts we have that we can activate to have an even greater holiday and more importantly, every day of our life, a greater quality of life.
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Today, I want to talk to you about a power, a gift that you can give your family here for the holidays.
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You can give your friends, you can give it your coworkers.
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It ll cost you nothing and it has tremendous impact.
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The power of presence.
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What is presence?
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First of all, there s nothing more powerful than a human soul rooted in the present moment at hand, free from the past or the future.
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Somebody who s wholeheartedly attentive to you right now.
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They re with you, experiencing life with you.
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So much of our stress comes because we re always anticipating something in the future or remembering something from the past.
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And so many people just, they don t live in the present moment.
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We ve all heard the power of now.
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Some great authors have written about this.
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Ram Dass talked about be here now, you know, 50 years
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ago.
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But really what most of us don t understand is if we re not teaching ourselves to be present, the stresses and technology of our world is constantly triggering us to leave the only reality that is this moment right here and right now.
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You know it s the only thing that s real.
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Anything else is something you ve made up about the future, or it s a memory.
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And even your memories often are tainted.
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You know, Daniel Kahneman, who s just a genius in this area, talked about these two parts of our brain, the remembering self and the experiencing self.
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So often in life, we go have an experience.
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Let s say you re in a concert, and this magical concert is going on, and then in the middle of the most beautiful part of the song, somebody drops something.
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There s a crash, there s a bang, something s off, and people go, oh my god, it ruined everything.
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No.
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The experience in the moment was uncomfortable, but if you really stay with it, all of a sudden the music s back and you stay present.
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The joy is back.
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Everything is back in a moment.
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The only thing keeping you from that is the memory of what happened a few moments ago and living in the memory of the past.
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It s not even the whole past.
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It s just a moment.
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If you want to give yourself a gift, learn how to come back to this moment.
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Learn how to experience life instead of remembering it.
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So often when we remember things, we remember that moment of the crash and we forget the hour and a half concert that was magnificent.
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Because again, that two million year old brain is always looking for what s wrong, what we need to fight or flight or try to freeze from.
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But you don t need to be in survival this holiday season.
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You don t need to be survival in your life.
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We re further than that.
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Let s see if we can t just experience more of the here and now just by training ourself to bring our attention to this moment and especially bring our attention to those we love and to what is beautiful in this life.
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What do we experience?
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We don t experience life.
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We experience our perception of life.
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And when our perception is based on some memory of the past that s tainted or some projection of the future, we re not experiencing life at all.
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We re experiencing our mind.
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Remember, the mind s never going to make you happy.
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Your mind s great.
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I use my mind to achieve things, make things happen.
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It s a good strategist, but it ll never even allow you to enjoy an apple because your mind will go, is it organic?
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Where did it come from?
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If you want more joy, bring your attention to this moment right now and look for what is beautiful.
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If you want more connection with the people you love most, bring them your presence.
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That means calm and connected.
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That s really what it means.
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Women often say, well, but my man would never be present.
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I remember I used to say with my wife, I am present.
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I m right here right now with you focusing on it.
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But I wasn t calm.
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I might have been connected, but I wasn t calm.
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Why not just slow back down and look in the eyes of those you love and experience them fresh right now in this moment, because they re different in this moment than they were an hour ago, than they were three years ago.
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Too often in life, we re not present.
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We re looking at our partner, or our love, or our friends, or our co-workers, or whomever, and we re putting the stickies of what judgments we ve made in the past, and we re not present with who they are right now.
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One of the things in our culture today is people looking back 10, 20, 30, 40 years and saying, someone did something.
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I hope they ve grown by now, but no one even bothers to look in the present and say, what are they like today?
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That s what matters, isn t it?
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I don t know about you, but I m a better man today.
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I work at it.
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I m sure you are too.
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Let s keep growing, but we can t experience people s growth.
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We can t appreciate people.
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We can t love people as long as we re living in where they were five minutes ago or five years ago.
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Presence is the ultimate gift you can give to yourself and those you love.
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So this holiday season, forget about the past.
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Stop obsessing about the future.
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Take a moment and have a moment with yourself, with your partner, with your family, with your parents, with your kids, with your loved ones.
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Be here now.
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Choose right now today to find the beauty in this moment and to fill up with a fresh experience of life and of this day.
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Make this holiday season what it s supposed to be.
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A chance to connect.
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Hard to connect when we re in our heads.
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Easy to connect when we re right here now.
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Breathing deeply, looking in the eyes and feeling the light and the love and the joy of life and those around us.
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And to remember, it s all a gift.
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As long as we re alive, it s a gift.
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All we have to do is come to what is beautiful in this moment.
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So this week, practice your presence and give it as a gift.
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It s a gift to you.
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It s a gift to all those you love.
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As Tony says, the quality of your life is the quality of your relationships.
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But the way we show our love and commitment to our relationship is by being present.
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It doesn t matter what your love language is.
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Words of affirmation, gifts, quality time.
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The number one way we give to our partners is our energy in the present moment.
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And Ken was not doing that for his wife or his two daughters.
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I m just consumed by work, and that s part of my wiring.
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I mean, I love to solve problems, and I love to try to think about and architect solutions.
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And so part of that is fun, but part of it is not knowing how to shut off.
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I mean, it actually took me the stuff that I ve done with Tony to really figure out how to manage your time effectively so that you are taking care of yourself.
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I wasn t taking care of myself.
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So I brought that home.
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I brought that unhealthiness, as Tony says, the dis-ease that I was experiencing in my work life.
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It just carried through the whole day into the house.
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That manifested itself as anger and frustration and worry and fear.
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All pretty negative emotions have negative consequences.
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It kind of manifested itself as...
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shouting matches with my wife.
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She tried to wake me up.
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My kids, I think, tried to wake me up.
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A look in their eyes after certain episodes.
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But I wasn t listening.
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I just, my ears were not tuned.
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My ears and my body were not tuned to what they were saying.
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Maybe they were speaking a different language.
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Maybe I just hadn t learned the language.
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I don t know.
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But it wasn t just about Ken taking his work home with him and not hearing his wife and kids when they said it was a problem.
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There was also a distance between him and his partner that had grown over many years.
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And he was feeling increasingly disengaged and unfulfilled at his job.
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I think we had just drifted apart over many, many years.
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We weren t loving towards each other.
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We weren t spending time together.
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We weren t making time for each other.
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We weren t using the right language that lovers would use.
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Being on Wall Street, I mean, it s a thrill.
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It can grind you down, too.
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And that was one of the reasons that I was extremely unhappy at work.
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I just wasn t a good fit for that culture.
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I had some conflicts with people at work and just a lot of challenges.
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Ken s company was then bought.
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And if you ve ever been through a merger or acquisition, you know how uncertain of a period that can be.
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The stress from that built up, and Ken, like many stressed employees, turned to unhealthy habits as a way to cope with it.
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In fact, half of white-collar workers and 58% of those in senior manager roles say that the stress from their job has led to weight gain.
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Women are more likely to react to stress by overeating, while men tend to turn to alcohol and drink more when they feel overloaded at work.
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For Ken, it was both.
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I was treading water.
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I wasn t healthy.
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I was nearly 200 pounds, 5 6 .
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200 pounds is not healthy at 5 6 .
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I was on a bunch of different medications to manage depression.
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I wasn t healthy.
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I wasn t working out.
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I wasn t eating right.
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And my life had been consumed by work.
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And also, I d gotten past the point where I was learning the craft and I was kind of on autopilot.
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One of my reviews, the head of the banking group, the advisory practice, said in some point, which was a critique, in a good way, just about effort levels, and she said 60% of you is probably equivalent to 100% of somebody else.
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And I remember hearing that and saying like,
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I m coasting.
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I m not challenging myself.
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It s kind of flattering to hear that in one respect, but it also wakes you up because who wants to play at 60%?
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It s not fun.
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I d rather play at 100%.
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It kind of had this negative spiral effect and I didn t know how to get out of it.
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Then the big bang happened.
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The big bang, as Ken calls it, was in April of 2018.
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He received a letter from his wife s lawyer saying he wasn t to come home and that she wanted a divorce.
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He moved out into an apartment in nearby Boston, and then eventually bought a house in Newton that was more suitable for when his kids visited.
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He heard about Tony Robbins from a longtime friend in Boston and decided to give it a try.
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Ken attended Unleash the Power Within, and at the end of the three and a half days, he made a decision, a commitment, a resolution.
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He had to fix his health.
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He quit drinking, cut sugar out of his diet, and started exercising every day.
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Just from changing his habits, Ken lost 30 pounds.
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And it wasn t because that was his goal.
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As Tony says, you need a stronger motivation than, I need to lose 30 pounds.
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It s about becoming more consistent with your core authentic self, whether that s as an athlete or someone who has their act together.
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It s about regaining your identity.
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Ask yourself, who is the person I d authentically be if I lost this weight?
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For Ken, it was someone who can accomplish all the things he sets out to do.
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Someone who is strong and capable in all areas.
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I mean, it provides a platform from which I can do everything else.
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I think everybody deserves health first.
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You should have health, mental, physical, spiritual health.
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Without that foundation, I don t really think you have anything.
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So I ve come to realize that over the last 10, 11 months and implemented it in my life as a result.
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That was kind of right around the time of UPW, my first Tony event.
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And I hadn t actually decided to be fully in on my company until Business Mastery, really.
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That s really when I committed to being full-time Seaport Capital Partners, building that business, growing it.
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And that s where I came up with the mission of the company, which is to empower clients to achieve extraordinary things.
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I think there are elements of that which are manifest itself through really a desire to help entrepreneurs win, help entrepreneurs achieve great things by igniting their passion, their creativity, their insights, and driving impact and change.
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As you just heard, Ken went from being miserable in his job to starting his own company and going from someone who was never giving 100% to being the sole leader in a fledgling organization.
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He had to learn how to be present at work in a way that he never had to be before.
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100% accountable, 100% all in, showing up every day.
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What I strive to be is somebody who shows up and is passionate about what they re doing and communicates that passion in everything that I do.
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As a leader, somebody who steps up and takes on challenges, even if the challenges are hard.
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You know, really a passion around building something great for the long term.
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This is about Seaport Capital Partners, but it s also about our standing in the world and who we are as people and who we are as an organization, a living, breathing thing.
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And that starts with their leader.
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I got to show up as that person that I want to embody throughout the organization.
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And if I don t do that, then it s never going to happen.
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The why for me is to help people.
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I love to help people.
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I love to solve problems.
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And I m just super passionate about it.
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I can feel it in my bones, like the tingling in my bones when I think about helping clients solve really hard problems.
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And that why is strong enough for me to make sure I show up every day.
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One of the things that Ken is most proud of is a project he s working on with someone he met at his church.
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Norma came to the U.S.
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from El Salvador in 2001, and she made a commitment when she left to give back to her country.
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She d been working around the clock, doing Reiki therapy, massage, sewing, cleaning people s homes, and working as a nanny, not just to get by herself, but to have an extra $7,000 saved up to install a well in her community to provide clean drinking water for kids.
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Without that water, they had to walk over a mile every day.
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Can you imagine the start of your school day?
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Instead of getting into the books or having a discussion, you go get water.
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You fetch water because you otherwise wouldn t be able to live.
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So she made this tremendous impact by, you know, stepping up.
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And I since have donated to her campaign.
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And I m working with a company I met through the Platt Network, a company called Capital Pure, which is a filtration company, essentially, that uses aqueous chemistry and nanotechnology to filter and purify water.
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And I had this spark that what if we got that company to provide clean water to the El Salvadorian government and provide clean water to the people that way?
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I mean, there s still a lot of diligence to do on the whole thing, and it s a bit of a moonshot.
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What if we could do it, you know?
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When Ken thinks back to how he was just a few years ago, before the Big Bang, before starting his company, before joining the Tony Robbins Platinum Partnership and attending so many life-changing events, it makes him stop for a moment.
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Three years ago, I wouldn t have even thought about other people to that extent.
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I mean, like I said, it was work and then family.
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I don t want to paint the brush, by the way, that I was a horrible person at home.
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I think I was a good father, but it was different.
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It was just different.
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Three years ago, I guess my heart wasn t as big.
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It was a little bit more like the Grinch.
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But then the Grinch s heart, at some point, grew.
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And it took, I think, the Tony ride a little bit to make that happen.
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And it s a good thing Ken s heart grew, because his two little girls take up a lot of space.
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And they challenge him in ways he never imagined.
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They also caused me to elevate my game.
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But this weekend, I hadn t seen him in a while, like a month.
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I said, Mia, how d I do this weekend?
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What do you think?
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I put a lot into it.
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I hope it paid off.
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And she said, she gave me an A, which I thought was pretty cool.
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Then she said, but not an A plus, Dad.
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I said, how come?
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And she said, well, you were a little grumpy on Sunday morning when you were trying to rush us out of the house to get to church.
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A good friend of mine actually told me last night, thank God you didn t get an A+.
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She s causing you to step up.
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She s causing you to raise the bar.
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And so I hope I never get an A+.
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A is pretty good though.
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I m patting myself on the back for that.
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It feels like we re building a platform for something really great.
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And I m looking forward to watching it unfold.
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I mean, none of us know when we re going to be gone.
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Tomorrow or the next day or hopefully 50, 100 years.
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I mean, I don t know, but I guess I m just happy for now and happy that I have things to look forward to.
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Christmas morning, I mean, just seeing their eyes light up every Christmas when they come down the stairs and turn the corner and see what Santa dropped off.
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Yeah, that s what I m looking forward to right now and seeing them again.
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You re listening to the Force for Good season of the Tony Robbins podcast.
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To learn more about the 10 gifts that we re featuring this holiday season, including emotion, drive, growth, joy, gratitude, connection, consciousness, grace, presence, and forgiveness, please visit www.TonyRobbins.com slash gifts, G-I-F-T-S.
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And to find Tony Robbins products and events that can help you identify your gifts, go to TonyRobbins.com slash shop, S-H-O-P.
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As you just heard in the previous story, presence is the most important element of any relationship.
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How you show up, really show up for the people you care about is how they perceive or even measure your love for them.
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Listen as Tony works one-on-one with Tim, a business owner in Australia, who s struggling with the same problem.
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He s stressed out about his work and it s affecting his relationship.
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a lot of blindness, he s been focused on his fears and not on his love.
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And then his love would then have fears that would come out of that.
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Because she would feel uncertain about, like, am I important enough to him?
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Because in any relationship, the most important thing to someone is, are they the most important thing?
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If someone else is more important, man or woman, child, friend, someone else to attract to you, that relationship s in trouble.
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If work is more important, that relationship s in trouble.
2
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If your girlfriends are more important, if sports are more important,
2
SPEAKER_04
In a relationship, that person needs to know they re the most important thing in life.
2
SPEAKER_04
But the reason is not because he doesn t love her.
2
SPEAKER_04
It s not because he no longer cares as much.
2
SPEAKER_04
Because he s still trying to become somebody.
2
SPEAKER_04
Somebody that s worthy of all the things he wants.
2
SPEAKER_04
And because he doesn t feel he s that, he s putting his energy there instead of with you.
2
SPEAKER_04
It isn t because he doesn t love you, it isn t because he doesn t want to be with you, it s because he doesn t feel enough inside, because he lives in a culture that has trained us all that we re not enough until we do a certain number of things, earn a certain way, achieve a certain level, so that we re enough.
2
SPEAKER_04
Because we live in consumer cultures in Western culture.
2
SPEAKER_04
Nothing wrong with it, but it tends to make us focus on what we fear more instead of what we love.
2
SPEAKER_04
How do you feel when you re focused on what you love?
2
SPEAKER_04
Come on guys, make a sound.
2
SPEAKER_04
But what we need to do is figure out what you love today, because some of you don t even know anymore because you ve had the habit of thinking the same way for so long.
2
SPEAKER_04
He thinks that if he gets a certain level within his business, a certain level of freedom, a certain level of economics, a certain level of success in that piece, then he ll be enough, he ll feel great enough, everything will be wonderful, they can go do all these beautiful things that they originally intended to do and be together.
2
SPEAKER_04
But when he gets there, it won t be enough.
2
SPEAKER_04
How many of you ever had something you worked your ass off for, and then you finally made it happen, and you were really excited, and it was an incredible victory?
2
SPEAKER_04
How many can remember a time like this?
2
SPEAKER_04
Come on, if you got one, make some noise so I hear you out there.
2
SPEAKER_04
Think about this.
2
SPEAKER_04
How long did that good feeling last?
2
SPEAKER_04
Six years?
2
SPEAKER_04
Six months?
2
SPEAKER_04
60 days.
2
SPEAKER_04
How long did you stay in that really amazing state?
2
SPEAKER_04
How long did it take to get to achieve that?
2
SPEAKER_04
How many years or efforts or decades?
2
SPEAKER_04
And then how long did it feel good for?
2
SPEAKER_04
Tell me yours.
2
SPEAKER_04
What s one you can remember that was really cool?
2
SPEAKER_03
I got stores opened up in China and had a drink with my dad and was like, yes, we did it.
2
SPEAKER_03
And then the next day I was like, okay, next.
2
SPEAKER_04
How many of you think about how long did you stay high from the achievement?
2
SPEAKER_04
How many stayed high for a year?
2
SPEAKER_04
Okay, six months.
2
SPEAKER_04
Three months, a month, couple of weeks.
2
SPEAKER_04
The majority of you are in the couple of days, couple of more hours.
2
SPEAKER_04
Some of you a few weeks, very few of you six months.
2
SPEAKER_04
So the point of the matter is, the only purpose of achieving your goals is not to achieve your goals, it s so that you become more, because what you become is what makes you happy, not what you get.
2
SPEAKER_04
Because most people have this game, someday, someone, somewhere, some place, and then they re gonna be happy.
2
SPEAKER_04
The road to someday leads to a town called nowhere.
2
SPEAKER_04
Because you ve seen it, you ve gone to the someday, you ve made it to the someday.
2
SPEAKER_04
How many of you got things in your life right now that once were a dream or goal and they re magnificent?
2
SPEAKER_04
How many got some things like that in your life?
2
SPEAKER_04
Relationship, business, something that s different?
2
SPEAKER_04
And yet how many of you take it for granted, honestly?
2
SPEAKER_04
Not consciously, just like him.
2
SPEAKER_04
Is he trying to take his life for granted?
2
SPEAKER_04
No, he s just letting fear and stress be the primary focus.
2
SPEAKER_04
He s letting problems be the primary focus.
2
SPEAKER_04
He s willing to create problems that aren t even here yet.
2
SPEAKER_04
Instead of focusing on what I love and how do I strengthen it?
2
SPEAKER_04
So tell me
2
SPEAKER_04
What would bring you closer to your wife and bring that aliveness and passion?
2
SPEAKER_04
Did you have it when you first met?
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, absolutely.
2
SPEAKER_04
Absolutely.
2
SPEAKER_04
So what changed?
2
SPEAKER_03
I think spending all day, every day for years and years, you take someone for granted because their familiarity.
2
SPEAKER_03
So I think that s... Around anything enough, you take it just a little bit for granted.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
It s not meant to be.
2
SPEAKER_03
It s just the way human nature is.
2
SPEAKER_03
So that s kicked in a bit.
2
SPEAKER_03
And, you know, we both acknowledge it and I m trying to fix that.
2
SPEAKER_04
So it s not something that needs to be fixed because it isn t broken.
2
SPEAKER_04
What s not working is that your focus is on things that give you stress so that exhausts you and it s never enough.
2
SPEAKER_04
What s broken is you re a model of the world.
2
SPEAKER_04
Now when I say model of the world, hear me now.
2
SPEAKER_04
Everything that s in your life today that you re grateful for is a result of how you look at life.
2
SPEAKER_04
So you ve got a certain way of looking at life that would get you to feel certain feelings, take certain actions, produce certain results, and create the life you have.
2
SPEAKER_04
How many of us have married your life and you re really not happy with at all?
2
SPEAKER_04
Here, let me see your hands.
2
SPEAKER_04
Those are also a result of your model of the world, your beliefs, your values, your way of looking at life, the rules you have about how people should treat me, how I should treat them, how things should be.
2
SPEAKER_04
We all have them.
2
SPEAKER_04
But we don t even, we ve accumulated over years.
2
SPEAKER_04
And some of our beliefs and values are a reaction to our environments we grew up in.
2
SPEAKER_04
If you grew up in an environment where your parents were overprotective, and they tried to control everything so you d never get hurt is an example.
2
SPEAKER_04
Very often when you get older, one of two things happens.
2
SPEAKER_04
You either model them and do the same thing, or you throw it out and go, I want freedom.
2
SPEAKER_04
You value freedom more than security.
2
SPEAKER_04
Some of you model the environment you re in.
2
SPEAKER_04
Some of you rejected it and look for its opposite or something different.
2
SPEAKER_04
So if you wanted to transform this relationship right now, not at the end of this week, what would need to change now?
2
SPEAKER_04
Tell me three things that if you change them now, it would transform your relationship with life and bring back more aliveness and passion.
2
SPEAKER_03
Focusing on moments that created great joy in our life.
2
SPEAKER_03
Together, yes.
2
SPEAKER_03
Being physically intimate.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_03
And give me a hint.
2
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
2
SPEAKER_04
So, clearly he s a guy, right?
2
SPEAKER_04
Let s think of some moments and let s do it.
2
SPEAKER_04
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_04
That ll make it work.
2
SPEAKER_04
Now, as a female energy, she may not have the same operating system.
2
SPEAKER_03
Maybe something romantic, do something nice.
2
SPEAKER_02
I think that we go for granted each other.
2
SPEAKER_02
I am more focused on my baby now.
2
SPEAKER_04
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_04
So he s focused on work, you re focused on the baby, and then you both come home exhausted together, and for some reason there s no passion.
2
SPEAKER_04
But I want you both to know why they re focusing more on the baby and the business.
2
SPEAKER_04
Is it because they don t love each other?
2
SPEAKER_04
Is it because they re bored with each other?
2
SPEAKER_04
No, it s because they re both trying to find a way to be enough.
2
SPEAKER_04
Hers is to the child, his is to the distance.
2
SPEAKER_04
But what would happen if we were already enough, my friends?
2
SPEAKER_04
I mean, what if we just knew that we re enough already?
2
SPEAKER_04
Enough doesn t mean we don t grow.
2
SPEAKER_04
Just that our spirit or soul was more than enough, or we wouldn t be together in the first place.
2
SPEAKER_04
What would happen if we remembered what we forgot?
2
SPEAKER_04
which is how we looked at each other when we first met, what we dreamed of before we d ever had that first kiss, what we prayed for, hoped for.
2
SPEAKER_04
But then along the way, they become habitual things like, well, then you get married, we have a big wedding, and then gotta have the kid, and then gotta get the business successful, and those are all beautiful things.
2
SPEAKER_04
But they re not as beautiful separate than they are together, are they?
3
SPEAKER_01
You re finding your complete sense of self by being a mother, and he s trying to find it by being successful and thinks that somehow if the two of you pull this off and come together, then you ll have joy.
3
SPEAKER_01
And I know you ll have joy in moments, but not enough because your model of the world is pushing you guys apart instead of locking down how to bring it together.
3
SPEAKER_01
But if you remember what it was like when you first looked at each other, do you?
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
Look at each other now the same way.
3
SPEAKER_01
There you go.
3
SPEAKER_01
Well, that happened fast.
3
SPEAKER_01
If you remember, what was it that you were attracted to in this man when you met him?
3
Do you remember?
3
SPEAKER_01
What was it?
3
SPEAKER_03
How handsome he is.
3
SPEAKER_02
What else was he attracted to?
3
SPEAKER_02
She s blind, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
To his personality and he always has been really caring for me.
3
SPEAKER_01
So his beautiful personality is really caring, really loving.
3
SPEAKER_01
So you felt safe.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_01
You knew he wouldn t hurt you.
3
SPEAKER_01
So you picked a man that was safe and wouldn t hurt you.
3
SPEAKER_01
Which is a beautiful thing.
3
SPEAKER_01
So many women do this.
3
SPEAKER_01
The only problem is that s not enough to have passion.
3
SPEAKER_01
Passion comes from opposite energies.
3
SPEAKER_01
And safety doesn t make you feel excited.
3
SPEAKER_01
Have you ever seen a couple that everything seems to be fine, they never argue or anything else, and like, they seem to be so happy, and one of them starts kicking fights just to get some variety in the relationship?
3
SPEAKER_01
I know you ve never done this.
3
SPEAKER_01
How many have seen other couples?
3
SPEAKER_01
Right?
3
SPEAKER_01
See, safety is what she picked, and then what she got is a very safe man who s very loving, but that would not bring sparks, because what makes the planet alive is opposite poles of energy.
3
SPEAKER_01
The North and South Pole are opposite energies.
3
SPEAKER_01
You go to a plug, you got opposite energies.
3
SPEAKER_01
That s where the electricity comes from.
3
SPEAKER_01
If it s the same, the energy drops out, and you can have a beautiful friendship, which is pretty much where you guys are.
3
SPEAKER_01
And there s nothing wrong with a great friendship.
3
SPEAKER_01
I think a great friendship is the base of any great relationship.
3
SPEAKER_01
But the aliveness you both want, you re getting from separate places, and that s not feeling as good.
3
SPEAKER_01
Because then you ll make up stories eventually about it.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then those stories start to control us.
3
SPEAKER_01
By the way, change your story, change your life.
3
SPEAKER_01
Because the biggest challenge inside our blueprints is we got stories that are outdated, and we re reacting to them.
3
SPEAKER_01
But what caused you to be attracted to this woman when you met her?
3
SPEAKER_01
What was the first thing you... She s smoking hot.
3
SPEAKER_01
She s amazing.
3
SPEAKER_01
Hot?
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_02
Is she still?
3
SPEAKER_02
Super hot, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
Super hot.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
100%.
3
SPEAKER_01
And what about her was hot?
3
SPEAKER_01
What about her pulled you towards her?
3
SPEAKER_02
Well, her energy is really beautiful as well.
3
SPEAKER_01
So, where do we go from here?
3
SPEAKER_01
If we wanted to solve this right now, what would he need to do?
3
SPEAKER_01
What would you need to do?
3
SPEAKER_02
What I need to do?
3
SPEAKER_01
Answer.
3
SPEAKER_01
Give me the instructions, I will execute.
3
SPEAKER_03
We need to be more focused in the present, in the moment.
3
SPEAKER_01
More focused in the present?
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_03
No, in the future.
3
SPEAKER_03
We are more in the future.
3
SPEAKER_01
You re always in the future.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
And he is too.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_01
So you have to bring more moments.
3
SPEAKER_01
So how would you bring it to the present?
3
SPEAKER_01
It would be a new habit though, wouldn t it?
3
SPEAKER_01
He s focused on the future and he s using faith or fear, which one?
3
SPEAKER_01
because, oh my God, what if this happens?
3
SPEAKER_01
And there s a reason, because he s trying to anticipate so those problems don t show up.
3
SPEAKER_01
But in doing it, he s lowering his energy.
3
SPEAKER_01
In doing it, he s producing stress.
3
SPEAKER_01
In doing it, he s making stress his focus instead of love his focus.
3
SPEAKER_01
So it s pretty hard for him.
3
SPEAKER_01
But she does the same.
3
SPEAKER_01
You think of the future in terms of what?
3
SPEAKER_01
What do you focus on about the future?
3
SPEAKER_03
No, I a little bit more in the present.
3
SPEAKER_01
You re more in the present?
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, a little bit more.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yes, it s hard not to be when the child is screaming, isn t it?
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
Brings you into the present.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
I see.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so what would you do if he was more present?
3
SPEAKER_01
What would you do together?
3
SPEAKER_01
What would you experience together?
3
SPEAKER_01
Is he present right now?
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_03
What would you like to do?
3
SPEAKER_03
Yes, we enjoy every day more together because we are together every single day.
3
SPEAKER_03
But we need to be really in the moment.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
So what makes you feel most loved?
3
SPEAKER_01
Is it the way he looks at you?
3
SPEAKER_01
Is it what he says to you?
3
SPEAKER_01
Is it things he does for you?
3
SPEAKER_01
What makes you feel most loved?
3
SPEAKER_03
The things that he says to me.
3
SPEAKER_01
When he says he loves you?
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
A certain tone of voice?
3
SPEAKER_01
A certain way of looking at you while he does it?
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
So just do it like this.
3
SPEAKER_01
Go, I love you.
3
SPEAKER_01
See how it works.
3
SPEAKER_02
I love you.
3
SPEAKER_02
I love you too.
3
SPEAKER_02
You re the most important thing in my world and I love you more than anything.
3
SPEAKER_01
That was well done.
3
SPEAKER_01
Let s do it even better.
3
SPEAKER_01
You re a little rushed.
3
SPEAKER_01
Look at her face when I said that.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, because you re always rushed with everything.
3
SPEAKER_03
No, no, with everything.
3
SPEAKER_03
I mean, almost everything.
3
SPEAKER_01
So, this is wonderful, it s opening up lots of seeds.
3
SPEAKER_01
So let me just have you capture something right now.
3
SPEAKER_01
Our experience of life is not life.
3
SPEAKER_01
Our experience of life is what our brain distorts, generalizes, and deletes.
3
SPEAKER_01
We re always generalizing, distorting, and deleting.
3
SPEAKER_01
We don t actually experience life.
3
SPEAKER_01
Otherwise, all of us would have an event and see and feel the exact same thing, and we don t.
3
SPEAKER_01
We see things, feel things differently.
3
SPEAKER_01
There are millions of things going on in this room right now.
3
SPEAKER_01
Millions.
3
SPEAKER_01
People moving, breathing, temperatures, smells, sounds, your clothing touching you in different places at different times, your heart beating.
3
SPEAKER_01
There are millions of things you could focus on.
3
SPEAKER_01
If you try to focus on everything, you ll go crazy.
3
SPEAKER_01
Your conscious mind can only focus on a small number of things.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s usually called plus or minus, you know, four to seven items to give you an idea that your brain can handle.
3
SPEAKER_01
Like if you ever try to drive a stick shift car before you know how to do it, in the beginning I go to this and this and this, I gotta watch the road too, no way.
3
SPEAKER_01
But eventually, driving a car becomes one chunk of focus, because you automate a lot.
3
SPEAKER_01
And now you can drive the car and you can think about something else and you can read your text, hopefully not, and a bunch of other things simultaneously.
3
SPEAKER_01
So for each of us,
3
SPEAKER_01
We ve got to be able to figure out how to lock in what we want, so I want to give you a way to start to succeed more with her by understanding more of what she needs.
3
SPEAKER_01
She wants presence, and most men don t know what that is.
3
SPEAKER_01
You did a beautiful job.
3
SPEAKER_01
He was sincere, told her she s the most important thing in your life, and it worked, but it was so quick.
3
SPEAKER_01
She wants you to linger.
3
SPEAKER_01
Am I right?
3
SPEAKER_01
Look at her, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
And you re not much of a lingerer because you re rushing off to your fears.
3
SPEAKER_01
But you can still go handle those things and those issues, and you can address them fully, but you ve got to shut them off and just be with her.
3
SPEAKER_01
So this is what I want you to do.
3
SPEAKER_01
I want you to look at her.
3
SPEAKER_01
What just happened?
3
SPEAKER_01
Look at the feeling she has, and how I could see the tears on the edge of her eyes here.
3
SPEAKER_01
Instant word.
3
SPEAKER_01
How do you feel?
3
SPEAKER_03
Because I could see him through his eyes, his soul.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_03
Love.
3
SPEAKER_03
And he s really special, honest, sincere.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_01
And then it pulled you to them, didn t it?
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
Most of you aren t taking the time to even do this for yourself, much less for your spouse or for your children.
3
SPEAKER_01
We re all so rushed around trying to solve the things that are going to make us be somebody.
3
SPEAKER_01
Never forgetting the somebodies that are right next to us who already know that we re somebody.
3
SPEAKER_01
People that love us, what we love.
3
SPEAKER_01
Or those that we could love.
3
SPEAKER_01
But just a little bit oppressive.
3
SPEAKER_02
How did that feel to you?
3
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, it felt intense and great.
3
SPEAKER_02
Amazing.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_01
How did it feel to have her come to you instead of you helping her?
3
SPEAKER_02
That was full on.
3
SPEAKER_02
That was amazing.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_01
What did you say?
3
SPEAKER_02
I didn t say anything.
3
SPEAKER_02
How powerful was that?
3
SPEAKER_02
Amazing.
3
SPEAKER_01
You didn t change anything except you went into a place of what you love.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yep.
3
SPEAKER_01
And your focus was not on yourself.
3
SPEAKER_01
What I said to him is, look at your eyes and stop thinking about yourself and how you re coming across.
3
SPEAKER_01
So when he s thinking about himself and is she loving him, am I getting through to her?
3
SPEAKER_01
He s not with her.
3
SPEAKER_01
So all I had him do is say, look in her eyes, feel her heart and soul.
3
SPEAKER_01
Do not think about yourself and say these things over and over in your head to keep yourself focused.
3
SPEAKER_01
I love you.
3
SPEAKER_01
I will take care of you forever.
3
SPEAKER_01
Look at the smile when you say those words.
3
SPEAKER_01
Look at that.
3
SPEAKER_01
Right?
3
SPEAKER_01
And all of a sudden, the connection is there.
3
SPEAKER_01
I want you to see that your biggest problem can be solved in a millisecond of presence.
3
SPEAKER_01
That everything you want is already inside you.
3
SPEAKER_01
You did not come to me for me to give you some great gift.
3
SPEAKER_01
You are the gift.
3
SPEAKER_01
You just have forgotten that you re the gift.
3
SPEAKER_01
And that gift can be so beautiful if we can come back to the present moment.
3
SPEAKER_00
What you just witnessed was a transformation on the part of Tim, the Australian business owner, as he realizes that the extreme focus he was putting on himself and his business was creating a distance between him and his partner.
3
SPEAKER_00
But as we know all too well, intimate relationships are a two-way street, and they re not where you go to get, they re where you go to give.
4
SPEAKER_00
Now the question is, what is Juliana going to give?
4
SPEAKER_00
How can she show him that he s the most important person in the world to her?
4
SPEAKER_01
Now, do you bring him the presents when the child is there?
4
SPEAKER_01
When your child is there, does he have your presents?
4
SPEAKER_01
Uh, no.
4
SPEAKER_01
So you want him present, but not you.
4
SPEAKER_01
Right?
4
SPEAKER_01
Something that doesn t have separation, that isn t about what I m getting or not getting, or you re not doing, but instead bringing here, then the question is, what does he need from you?
4
SPEAKER_01
He needs your aliveness and your radiance, which is hard when you ve been all day long dealing with the things you ve been doing.
4
SPEAKER_01
But if you re wanting him to shut everything off and be present,
4
SPEAKER_01
And you got to also be able to bring your radiance to him and let go and make him the most important thing like you want to be as well.
4
SPEAKER_01
And one of the biggest challenges that s happened the last two decades in cultures and Western culture is most of us have put our kids ahead of our partners.
4
SPEAKER_01
Now kids expect they should be the center of attention and now they re adults and they aren t the center of attention all the time.
4
SPEAKER_01
So now they go to technology to be the center of attention or control, but technology will never fulfill you by itself.
4
SPEAKER_01
It ll give you, it s like sugar and make you feel good for the moment, but it doesn t last.
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SPEAKER_01
You can search and let your brain escape and go on the web and let your brain go to mush, and it feels good to let go, but it won t fulfill you long-term.
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So if you want what you want long-term, you re going to have to decide where to put your focus, and your children is the mistake.
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I love my children.
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I have four kids.
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I adore them, but they all know that they re second to Sage, always.
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And you know what s amazing about that?
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That does not make them feel second.
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It makes them feel like their parents so love each other that the place they re around is alive and joyous and happy.
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And it shows them how to make a relationship work.
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But when you put your kids first, it s the highest intent.
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It s like, I want to put them first.
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I want to take care of them.
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We re doing something bigger than ourselves.
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But what you do is you destroy their future because what they see is a relationship that is completely separate.
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And what they unconsciously have is fear all the time.
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because they know this is not a stable place.
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So if you wanted to make a shift in the quality of your life, you have to decide what are you going to value most.
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I m not going to tell you what to value, but I ll give you some triggers to consider.
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And I have some life experience of having dealt with 50 million people from 100 countries.
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And so at this point, I could be an idiot.
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And I know there are patterns that are easy to recognize.
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Patterns that will mess up a relationship, patterns that will make a relationship magnificent.
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Patterns that ll make you angry.
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Patterns that ll make you excited.
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Patterns that ll make you sad.
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Patterns that ll make you playful.
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If you run one set of patterns and you habitualize them, it s there.
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But what if this became the new habit?
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What if it was a pattern of we come first together?
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If we make this happen, you won t have to work on intimacy because this is intimate.
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And by the way, when she feels your presence, she will open to you.
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But she s got to feel safe.
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She s got to feel your presence.
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And now you know how to deliver it.
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So now we solved that problem.
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So what are we going to do next?
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Be brave, you know.
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Yes.
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When you come to Him and you cut everything else off, and you just love Him and look at Him the way you did when you first met Him, what does it do to Him?
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There you go.
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Look at the power you got.
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You want some power?
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That s power.
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It s called love power.
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And then look at her and just feel those same feelings.
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And savor it, instead of worrying how you re doing.
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You re a good man.
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Go into her, not in yourself.
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The Tony Robbins Podcast is directed by Tony Robbins and produced by the Tony Robbins editorial team with audio editing and sound design by Jeremy Enns.
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Today s first guest was Ken Allen, founder and CEO of Seaport Capital Partners.
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The second portion you heard was taken from a 2019 Tony Robbins Date with Destiny seminar.
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Copyright Robbins Research International.
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so