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Welcome to the Art of Charm.
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I m your host, Jordan Harbinger.
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I m here with producer Jason DeFilippo.
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Here at the Art of Charm, we may not have all the answers, but we certainly have some of the questions, and today on Fan Mail Friday, those questions come from you.
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, Fan Mail Friday, it s not my favorite place to start because I think most of our content s more in-depth, it s a longer format, we got some great interviews there, it might be a better introduction to the show, that s just my opinion, so check out the best of
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at theartofcharm.com slash best or the fundamentals toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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That s where we ve got fundamentals like body language, nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, influence, persuasion, everything else that we teach here at the Art of Charm.
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And we can send all that to your inbox if you text charmed, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444 here in the USA.
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Anywhere else, just go to theartofcharm.com.
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All right, let s cut to it.
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All right.
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Hello, Jordan.
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I just came across a blog post about avoiding jet lag, which basically says your body s clock is determined at least as much by when you eat as by when you sleep.
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I don t know if you heard this one before, but I was wondering what your take on it is.
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And if you have any tips yourself, since I ll be doing a boot camp in February and have to cross nine time zones to do so, I can use every one of them.
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Keep up the charming work, Patrick.
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Hey, Patrick, I ve got some tips for you, my man.
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I travel a lot, and I found a couple of big levers or big characteristics that feed into or help eliminate jet lag.
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And I traveled to Australia, no jet lag, came back, no jet lag, and it involves a little bit, it just involves a little bit of discipline, plain and simple.
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First things first, eat at regular times.
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Hunger is,
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also psychological.
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In fact, I think it s mostly psychological.
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Somebody who s really studied this stuff can correct me here.
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But your body isn t necessarily telling you when you need food.
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If you feel hungry, a lot of it is just, oh, I m used to eating right now, so feed me.
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So eat at regular times.
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Don t do that whole like, oh, it s 3 a.m.
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and I really want shawarma, or like it s, like me, oh, it s 8 a.m.
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and I really want shawarma.
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Big fan of shawarma.
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Don t take any naps.
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That s probably the first, I should have mentioned that even first, because it s the most important.
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Don t take naps.
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People I know that get jet lag a lot, they go, oh, it s 2 p.m., I m just gonna lay down for a half hour, I m just gonna lay down for two hours, or they go to bed at 6 p.m.
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and they think, I ll just get up early and ease my way back into it, no.
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Push through it those first couple days.
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Sleep a full eight hours.
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Use an eye mask, ear plugs, and just force it.
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Even if you just lay there wide the hell awake, stay away from caffeine after four p.m.
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That ll help you get to sleep.
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Don t caffeinate at eight and then try to go to bed.
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Get a good eye mask, good ear plugs, just force yourself to lay there.
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It can be a little miserable, but it s better than screwing up the rest of your week.
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And 90 minutes plus before bed, use blue blockers.
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And I ll link to some blue blockers in the show notes as well.
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I use the Swanwick Sleep.
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They re stylish.
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I literally can wear them out if I m out.
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And then I just come home and I m sleepy because I m not looking at blue screens and blue lights.
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and we ll link up to all this stuff in the show notes, and it s funny, because usually I don t talk about things like this, but so many people ask me about jet lag, and so many people that are really smart, educated folks don t really seem to have the habits that get rid of this, and I never have a problem with it.
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So if you follow these, I can t guarantee that you won t have a problem with it, but I can guarantee you ll be better off than somebody who eats whenever they want, takes naps whenever they want, and doesn t wear glasses, and doesn t wear the blue blockers, or doesn t obey some of these bedtime rules.
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All right, next.
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Jordan, I wanted to respond to your listener who had the boss that didn t listen and seemed dissatisfied at work.
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I was that boss at one time, and while I held a position over my employees, I didn t always have enough experience to know how to do the task I was asking them to do.
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I would rely on past successful projects or endeavors and just try to duplicate the results.
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I was also very insecure, so I tried to control everything so I could get exactly what I wanted instead of getting what I needed.
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It was tough at times, but I finally had some employees that were very tactful and respectful and helped me to see that there were many ways to solve the same problem.
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Here were two ways that they got to me.
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First, they did it both ways.
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The way I asked for the results and the way they recommended, but I couldn t see the final product the way they described it.
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Two, they reframed their approach and tried multiple ways to show me why what I wanted was not the best way and why their way was better.
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In either case, it built trust and I learned to listen to my employees.
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Keep trying, find a way that is tactful and respectful, and prove to your boss that you know what you re talking about.
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In the end, you ll be a better programmer and communicator for it.
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Thanks, Chris.
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Hey Chris, cool to hear.
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It s really cool that you came through and admitted that that was actually you.
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This is probably the best type of person to get advice from because you were on the receiving end of it.
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and it wasn t comfortable, and it worked really well, even though you didn t love it at the time, so I think this is really cool.
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Thanks, Chris, for writing that in and being so vulnerable with us.
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All right, moving right along.
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Hi, Jordan, big fan of the show.
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I appreciate all that you and the AOC family do.
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I had a question about personal perseverance.
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I m an older student that returned to college, and I work as a leadership intern under the Student Affairs Department.
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In this position, I serve as the chair of a student planning committee that organizes and holds an annual leadership conference on campus.
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The problem I m facing is motivation, both my own motivation as well as motivating the other students on the committee.
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Being a part of the community on campus, I ve realized that there is a three or four year cycle on campus.
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At the peak of the cycle, it feels like everyone on campus wants to be engaged, connected, and enthusiastic.
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And at the trough, students aren t interested in very much at all.
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We just got past the peak of enthusiasm at my university.
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I m a go-getter as well as a go-giver, so I thought my outlook would get me through rough times.
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But all this apathy is starting to have an effect on me.
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I m having trouble keeping myself motivated about the work that the committee does.
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As a leadership intern, I m not sure how to lead my group through a time where everyone seems uninterested, even committee members seem to be not as engaged as other groups in the past.
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My question boils down to, how can you lead when you don t feel like it?
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What can I do on the days that I don t feel like being the leader?
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Thanks, Chaco.
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Hey, Chaco, there s a wider lesson here versus just being and staying motivated, so let s just go right on to that wider lesson.
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If you re not excited about it and other people are not, I just wonder what s keeping you around in this position.
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If the work itself is worthwhile and you re the only one engaged or the only one motivated, then you can just push through.
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And for here at AOC for years nobody really cared about the podcast other than me and then when Jason came on it was just me and Jason for a long time because it s not that people didn t like it or anything it s just that they were running other elements of the business it was the last thing on their mind.
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and I was pretty much handling it all myself until Jason got here.
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And the reason that we still exist is because I just love doing it.
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I found it so worthwhile.
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I found the mail coming in worthwhile.
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It was just fun.
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It was a lot of interesting things I was learning and doing, and so I just pushed through it.
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If you re not excited about it and you re not motivated, you gotta ask yourself whether it s because you feel no one else is motivated or excited, or if you yourself have lost interest in the work.
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And if that s the case, then maybe the work isn t for you.
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Either that or you need to figure out how to protect your mind from others that might drag you down, make sure you ve got enough autonomy to do the work that you find valuable without a bunch of anchors attached.
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You know, if the bureaucracy s killing you, you gotta figure out how to navigate around that or just do whatever and, you know, ask for forgiveness later.
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And in the end, you can t continually motivate people to care about something that they just don t care about anymore.
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And you can t motivate them to do work they no longer want to do.
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If this were a corporation, those people would probably be on the chopping block.
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Since you work for a public institution, there might just be a little bit more tolerance for not giving a rat s butt about what they re doing, but if this were the private sector,
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I d like to think those people would be gone a long time ago, and I know I m gonna get a bunch of emails like, I work for this company, and we always have those folks.
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Maybe it s inherent to large organizations in general, so I think it might just be time for you to move.
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But think about what you are interested in, and why you aren t doing it.
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Don t worry about getting everybody else excited.
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That s really not your job.
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All right, next up.
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Hi, Jordan.
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I added AOC to my podcast subscription a few months ago, and have thoroughly enjoyed every episode since.
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I m a 29-year-old small business owner and feel like I just had the best year of my life.
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I ve done a ton of self-improvement over the last 12 months and really focused on my business.
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I m in the best shape of my life and really believe I m in my prime.
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This improvement period was triggered by a failed relationship a little over a year ago.
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I was engaged for two years and in the relationship for four.
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When it ended, I buckled down and focused on being a better me.
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I ve always been the type of guy who is very family-oriented.
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I love kids and always saw myself being a father someday.
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Over the last year I ve thought of this deeply and came to terms with the fact that I might not want it anymore.
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I m not ruling it out, but I understand that it might just not be in the cards for me.
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This realization has also made me think of my future relationship path as well, and that maybe traditional marriage might not be the best thing for me.
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I met a woman via online dating a few weeks ago.
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She is incredible, literally everything I want in a partner.
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We ve moved very quickly in the little bit of time we ve known each other, and I m aware that it s more the honeymoon phase than I probably realize.
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We agree on everything from religion, to politics, to what we both want out of a significant other.
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I could go on for an entire email about the compatibility, but just take my word for it,
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seems too good to be true.
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I feel like I should add that when we met, it was the longest I ve gone without being in a relationship.
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I ve had a lot of girlfriends in the past, some short term and some long term, but never a great length of time between.
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My conflict is this.
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I put myself in check this week and really thought about if it s fair to her to even pursue this further.
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I have plans to up and leave for a month this winter and live in another state.
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It s a spontaneous thought I had right before I met this girl, and I feel like it would be a great adventure.
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Is it wrong that I feel like having a girlfriend and wanting a lifestyle such as this where I can be super selfish?
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I know there should be compromise in any relationship.
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But I feel like having a girlfriend takes away from the selfish lifestyle that seems to be calling my name and the selfish lifestyle takes away from being a good boyfriend to her.
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It s not just this one trip either.
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I love the idea of being able to do things like this more frequently in the future.
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I fish a lot and have tons of friends and family that live close that take up quite a bit of time.
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She and I had a long conversation about this tonight, and she was very understanding of my conflict.
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That being said, neither one of us could make any sense of it.
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I feel like I need to talk to a therapist or something to help me work through this dilemma.
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Any guidance would be much appreciated.
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Signed, Feeling Crazy and Conflicted.
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Hey, Feeling Crazy and Conflicted.
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I ll just turn into your dad here for a second.
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You re too young to compromise in a relationship that doesn t even really exist yet.
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The scarcity mindset that you might or might not have, let me put it this way, a scarcity mindset says you ll never find someone like her if you blow it or if you wait, you ll miss out.
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This is a trap.
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This mindset is a trap.
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You should do all the travel and all the crazy stuff you want or you ll have some regret and you ll have some FOMO, fear of missing out, and that FOMO and regret can poison your future relationships or make you gun shy to commit when you actually want to and when you actually should.
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Now you can absolutely find a partner who is cool with you going on long trips with or without them.
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For example, Jen, my fiance and assistant here at AOC, she quit her job to work with me.
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She was an accountant before.
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It s not like she didn t have a career.
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She basically stopped doing that.
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We travel all the time together.
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And you can find someone who can be like that for you or someone who s more independent if that s what you want and need.
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Don t settle for anything or anyone because of circumstances
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and timing.
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You re too young right now.
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You ll regret it.
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Hey, Art of Charm listeners.
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I m excited to share a new podcast.
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I ve been absolutely binging.
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You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Thanks for supporting and listening to the Art of Charm.
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And for a list of all of our sponsors and the discount codes associated therewith, visit theartofcharm.com slash advertisers.
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Now, back to Fan Mail Friday.
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All right, last but not least.
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Jordan, thank you so much for the amazing free content you create.
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I ve been suggesting your show to friends, especially to the entrepreneurial guys.
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For some backstory, I ve always had a bit of a hard time making friends.
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I m very outgoing, so making connections with other people comes naturally to me.
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Those connections are just not turning into deeper friendships.
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I thought it was because I hadn t met other super smart, ambitious young people, and so I thought that would all change once I started the prestigious MBA program I m currently in.
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Two and a half months after starting, I was sitting alone in my room on a Friday night while I heard a dinner party going on across the courtyard of my apartment building.
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I sat down and thought this through, and also talked to my roommate about it.
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I think there were two things that are going on here.
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First, I don t invite people to do things, and secondly, I ve been a friendship snob.
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On inviting people to do things, this is a new habit for me because I ve been in structured environments before where I would see the same people every day and form friendships that way.
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And when I didn t, I would tell myself it was because I hadn t met other super smart, ambitious young people.
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Building this new habit seems like a huge barrier to cross.
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You ve said on AOC that you had to teach yourself social dynamics because you didn t get them and I feel the same way.
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I ve moved 10 times in the last 7 years, including Germany, Greece and the Middle East.
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I think this taught me, sometimes the hard way, how to build connections with other people pretty quickly, but on the other hand, I often felt out of place and didn t put the effort into deeper bonds since I knew I was leaving soon.
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Now, thinking of the effort that goes into reaching out to people daily and really fertilizing my friendship garden, creating a new way of navigating my day, seems just really damn hard.
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I was hoping I was over learning the basics of forming relationships, but now know I neglected a pretty big part of social dynamics.
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As someone who s had to teach themselves these skills, I m really hoping for words of encouragement here, that it s possible to build better habits and that 22 isn t too old to make such a big change successfully.
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And on being a friendship snob, yeah, I ve been pretty judgmental.
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Basically, I would get to know people better and decide not to be friends with them for some minor reason.
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I think being a bit snooty may have helped me earlier in life, I am from a bad area, because it kept me focused on school work and now I m literally light years ahead of my high school and college friends career wise, but I ve had the feeling now, at this top 10 MBA program, that I haven t met the right people.
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It seems like the only issue here is my standards and they re unrealistic.
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Having the mentality that I m so damn special may have helped my ego when I was younger, but now it s just driving a wedge between myself and what I want, which is deep bonds with other people.
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I m not sure what the actual procedure or practice of switching from Friendship Scarcity Mindset to a Friendship Abundance Mindset looks like.
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This seems like a lot to change and I m feeling a bit overwhelmed.
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When I think of my life going forward without making these changes, that seems like a horrible existence that I don t want to have.
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The discomfort of that life is like ten times the discomfort of making these big changes, but how do you not lose hope and keep your eye on the prize when you re making these big changes?
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Thank you, times a million, signed, Looking to Go Deep.
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Hey, looking to go deep, this sounds just like me at age 22, you have no idea.
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What I would do if I were in your situation, well if I were in that situation again, is start talking, even small talk to more people, really simple fix there, of course that s easier said than done, but find connectors.
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The person who had the dinner party, for example, that you mentioned, befriend them.
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Even if you have to say something like, well, I feel I ve been a little checked out since I ve been here in the program.
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I really want to change that.
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You seem to know everyone.
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You seem super friendly.
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Why don t you grab lunch with me and include another friend?
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And be sure to include the other friend.
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Don t skip out on that.
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Otherwise, it could seem like a weird date.
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or something a little bit too personal, too intimate.
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So include another friend in a little group lunch.
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Get to know those connectors.
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And after this, start your own platform.
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And what I mean by that is invite people to your place for dinner or organize a lunch or something like that.
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And this platform will set you up as a connector.
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We talk about platforms in our social capital course at length.
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But this platform will set you up as a connector and you can make up for lost time.
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So don t worry about that.
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Another concept in social capital is making up for lost time.
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in terms of creating connections and networking.
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As for being a friendship snob, this also just reminds me so much of me that it hurts.
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The good news is that you can simply decide to not do this anymore.
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This friendship snobbery, this, oh, I haven t met people high level enough, this is a defense mechanism, nothing more.
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It s great to surround yourself with superstars, but it s not great to try to pretend you re doing that at the expense of having any friends at all.
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and you can get to know as many people as you can and simply bubble the best ones to the top and keep those people close, it doesn t mean shunning everyone else.
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So making sure you re surrounded
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great people doesn t mean shunning everybody who doesn t fit some imaginary kind of standard that you re creating on the fly to protect yourself from actually having to make friends, put yourself out there and be vulnerable and possibly face rejection.
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So remember this.
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It s a defense mechanism, and the sooner you realize this, the quicker you can break it and get to work.
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Hope y all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget you can email us Friday at theartofcharm.com to get your questions answered on the air.
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A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at theartofcharm.com slash fmf90.
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And also, don t forget about the Art of Charm Challenge.
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You can text charmed.
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That s C-H-A-R-M-E-D-233444 here in the States, or just go to theartofcharm.com.
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We re gonna take you step-by-step on becoming better at making personal, professional connections, a la our last question here, becoming a better networker for professional reasons, personal reasons, increase your personal social capital, your charisma, and it s for both guys and gals, so check that out.
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Again, you can text CHARMED, C-H-A-R-M-E-D-233444 here in the U.S., or anywhere else, just go to theartofcharm.com.
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And by the way, I do a lot of speaking these days.
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I just got done training a bunch of the 2nd Ranger Battalion at Fort Lewis, up in Washington, doing a lot of special forces, special operations stuff, and corporate speaking.
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So if you re interested in that, reach out to me here, Jordan at The Art of Charm.
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And we ll see what we can do.
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Quick shout out to Ian Fisher, shipping off to Africa with the Peace Corps.
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Pretty cool.
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I don t even know if you re going to hear this.
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Maybe you re already gone and disconnected.
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And Patrick in Ghana.
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Patrick s just working in Ghana.
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Why not?
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You guys are globetrotters.
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Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up.
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I d love to shout you out here.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com, including info on our live residential boot camps.
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We run those every week here in LA.
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If you really want to dig into this stuff and work on your AOC skills with us as your coaches, check out bootcamp.theartofcharm.com.
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Give us a call, give us an email, whatever you need.
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Now stay charming, get out there and connect, and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to the Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.