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Time for Fan Mail Friday, where we ll be answering your questions and dropping some knowledge and feedback to help you kick the weekend off, right?
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, this isn t the best place to start.
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Most of our content is more in-depth and longer format, so check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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That s where we ve got the fundamentals of body language, nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, and everything else we teach here at the Art of Charm.
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Today I thought it would be interesting to have Kim Seltzer, our resident female coach at the Art of Charm, handle this Fan Mail Friday, because we get a lot of questions that I end up forwarding to her, and often we would splice it in or she would help me formulate the answer, but honestly we ve gotten so many recently that I thought it would make sense just to have her do a batch.
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So I m gonna let Kim handle Fan Mail Friday.
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So Jason, take it away and enjoy your time with Kim.
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Hi Jordan, I really enjoy your podcast and your willingness to answer fan mail on Fridays.
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Here s my question.
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I have Tourette s syndrome.
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No, I do not blurt out curse words as is often stereotyped with Tourette s, but I do have involuntarily, seemingly random twitches and vocal tics.
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While I have many good friends who have learned to overlook my strange tics, it is often difficult to establish new relationships as acquaintances immediately notice my odd body motions and sounds and interpret them as signs of mental illness or worse.
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This is especially detrimental in business where I have to meet sales prospects to sell our products.
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How do I become better at making good first impressions given my condition?
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Introducing myself by saying, hi, my name is Sonny and I have Tourette s syndrome seems a bit abrupt and straight out of AA.
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Any advice you can give is most appreciated.
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All the best, Sonny.
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OK, I love this question because, you know, it reminds me of the old scarlet letter.
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You know, you can walk around and have a scarlet letter written on your forehead or on your T-shirt and then you are going to bring attention to it.
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So no, don t say, hi, my name is Sunny and I have Tourette syndrome.
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The issue is this, and this reminds me of a quick story around a client that I had who got in a bad car accident and he lost all mobility of his limbs and speech and he was kind of rehabbing himself back again.
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And when he was at the point when he was working with me, he had the same kind of confidence issue.
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Although he could talk, he could walk, he still had some odd movements to his hand.
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And so he had it in his head so much that people were looking at him odd, that people did think he was odd.
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So this has to do with your own self-perception.
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And we all have it.
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You know, I come from divorce.
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Other people may have a handicap.
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We all have handicaps inside and out.
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But if we wear it on our forehead or on our sleeve, so to speak, then people will
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React to that.
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It s all how you own it So my advice to this guy is to take a look in the mirror and look at all the great things about you that you are rather than focusing on You know what you re not or what other people think of you it s no different than anybody getting in their heads about what other people think and the more you own it and You are confident with who you are.
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People are going to like you no matter what and
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SPEAKER_01
Hello AOC, I really need some advice.
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I m a 20 year old junior in college and I think I might be in over my head.
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My girlfriend and I have been dating for just over 4 months and we are long distance living 2 hours away.
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I ve grown to have feelings for another girl here and while I haven t cheated, I feel it isn t fair to my girlfriend.
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My question is, how do I break up with a girl that has mental health issues and trust issues?
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She has legit mental health issues that she sees a doctor for and has been in abusive relationships.
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How do I break up with her without making her worse off mentally and keep her from never trusting men again?
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She wants to marry me, and I m nowhere near close to being ready for that.
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She says I m the only man she trusts, so I don t know if being completely upfront is the best option.
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She also threatened to kill herself the last time I almost broke up with her before we figured everything out.
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I ve listened to the breakup episode, and I know it s getting towards the holiday.
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I can t wait till they pass, but I know that time is very important.
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Keep up the great work on the podcast.
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I hope to be at a boot camp when I have some real money.
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Sincerely, Young and Stupid.
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Oh, you are not young and stupid.
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I actually, we ve all been there, done that.
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These are, you know, very, um, tumultuous relationships and it can be really, really hard on the person on the other end, such as yourself.
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Well, I just want to commend this guy for actually even thinking about her thoughts, her feelings, and the result of what she might do because, you know, it says to me, he s a caring guy.
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So,
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like actually take that in and pat yourself on the back because there s a lot of people who wouldn t care.
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But the more important thing about this, the first thing that I would ask you and also to think about is, I don t know if you re in contact with any of her therapists that she is using or support system because yes, you will need that, but it s not going to be you.
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You cannot act as her therapist.
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You cannot act as, you know, her,
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support system once you break it off with her, nor are you responsible for her behavior.
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And since this is a pattern with her, she is using this almost what I call emotional blackmail to keep you in it.
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And this is her pattern and this is her history.
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So since you re a caretaker, as it sounds, the only way that you re going to hear this is this.
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If you really care about her, you will cut it off so that she can learn how to be on her own without you because she s going to keep recreating this and if she learns how to be okay on her own without you, you re actually doing her good.
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I m reaching out to you to try and gain some perspective on a uniquely difficult situation I m dealing with right now in my personal life.
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Before I get into the details, here s a brief background to help set the stage.
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I m 28 years old, born and raised in Laguna Beach.
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My parents have been married 35 years and still live there.
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I went to undergrad in Seattle, where I met my now wife, Ashley.
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I graduated in 2009 and moved back to California to live at home and save some money so we could get married.
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Ashley graduated in 2010.
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We got married that July, and she moved to live with me in California in our very own apartment.
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We have lived in Southern California for our entire marriage, bought a home three years ago, and recently had a baby girl.
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Since she s been born, my wife has been really struggling with where we live, Orange County.
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She s only focusing on the negatives about our situation, and I feel like she s come to resent our home since it s far away from her family.
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We have worked extremely hard to set up a great life for ourselves in Orange County with good jobs, great family time, and family close by.
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Mine, not hers.
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Since our daughter has been born, Ashley is really struggling not living near her mom and on a certain level wants to move back to Seattle.
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I would love your opinion on the matter.
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Normally, I m really good at finding balance in difficult situations, but I genuinely do not want to move back to Seattle, so I m in a bit of a defensive place.
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Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
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With best regards, Tyler.
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Wow.
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Well, there s a lot in this email.
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And yeah, certainly there s more than just a five minute answer to this.
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I guess, you know, the first question I would ask is, you know, she says that she s just focusing on the negatives about the situation.
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Has this been a pattern for her in the past prior to moving there and prior to kids?
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Because if there is a pattern with her and her negativity and being unhappy, that s a different issue than the situation that, you know, he is in right now.
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Because I know firsthand being a mom that, you know, when you first have a baby,
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Your hormones are going, you re tired.
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And having the support of your own family is extremely important for a woman.
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So I think he s got to kind of understand a little bit about her needs right now, that it s not so out of the box to want to be close to her family now that she has this baby.
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Plus, you know, taking care, a first time mom, it can be really, really hard.
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So I think that if you distinguish between the two, if there is a pattern with her and then maybe get the help that she needs also with some of the negativity and depression versus a situation, um, that can determine the next path or course of action, if you will.
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Um, I guess the second thing around that would be to perhaps talk to a counselor about the situation because there s more to it than a simple answer and the more effective communication you have,
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with each other, perhaps you can find a solution that meets both of you halfway.
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Hey Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
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1
SPEAKER_01
I found the podcast some months ago and I ve been following it since then.
1
SPEAKER_01
I love the content and how the topics are explained and delivered.
1
SPEAKER_01
Congrats and thanks for the good job for you and the AOC team.
1
SPEAKER_01
I was wondering if you could give me some advice about the following situation.
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I haven t been a person with a big amount of friends, but I have some and I would like to expand my group and my network.
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I m dating someone, we re taking the time to know each other, and I like the guy so I m not looking for somebody else on a romantic way.
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But I would like to meet new people and new friends.
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What s happening to me lately is that if I meet a guy and I see him not in a date situation and try to get to know him and know about him and what he does,
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and where he works and what he likes, you know, trying to find something in common to make a connection, I feel, and sometimes he says it, that the guy expects to move the beginning friendship to another level.
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It could be a relationship or just to have sex, etc.
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So when I say that I m not interested, I lose the contact.
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So I don t know if I m sending the wrong message when I first talk to the guys, and truth is that me dating someone else is not being said on the first meeting or contact because the new guys don t ask about it, and I don t mention it because I think it would look pretentious or out of place.
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I guess my question would be, how could I handle that first approach?
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Could be by the guy or me, or first meetings, so the relationship develops as a friendship and not as a romantic or sexual one.
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Thanks in advance, Monica.
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So this is an interesting question because usually we get questions about how to get a guy attracted to me and not, you know, the other way around where you are actually wanting to develop friendships with men, which I think is a fantastic question.
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You know, the truth of the matter is, is that we as women have the control of letting men know whether or not we re interested in.
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And, you know, when you get to know people as people and kind of let go of, you know, the agenda of, well, I want to make him like me or I want to have him be friends with me.
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That s where it all starts.
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And so I think, you know, really, I would start with,
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First of all, what your goal is in gaining more friendships with men?
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So that would be my first question.
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The second thing to keep in mind is to really make a connection with a guy on a personal level and just to get to know him as a person.
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And if it s starting to kind of get to the point where he s interested in you, then you just make it really clear that that s not your intention and that you would really like to get to know him as a friend or if it s for business contact.
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See, the thing that I m not clear about in this question is what it is she wants from men out of the friendship.
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It could be business.
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It could be just having male energy in her life, which I think is awesome.
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So, the more clear you are in the beginning of what your intention is, then the rest will be easy.
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It s when women are not clear with why, you know, why they want to be friends with a guy, then the guys will get confused as well.
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Carly writes, I love your podcast and have been listening for a few months and I have a question.
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Okay, so I m a 29 year old single woman.
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I ve been overweight for a long time and I m now working on getting healthy.
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I want to start dating, but I always put off dating till later and I blamed my weight on my lack of a partner.
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Recently I saw a guy dating a fatter woman and I realized that a lot of bigger women I know date guys and are fine.
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I m realizing that the problem isn t my weight but my self-confidence.
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I haven t dated a guy in over four years since my dad died.
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He died in his sleep and I found him, which gave me PTSD.
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I would like to start dating but have no idea on how to start.
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I don t like to drink and recently moved with my mom to a neighborhood that doesn t really fit me well.
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I m going to sound like a snob but it s a working class neighborhood.
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I don t know where to meet guys and if I should approach them or what.
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Any advice you could give me would be great.
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Oh, wow.
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I love that this woman wrote in.
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And gosh, I would love to help you if you re listening out there because I deal with this a lot with women, you know, and a lot of it has to do with self-confidence, as she indicates in her email.
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But I want to address three different points that she highlights.
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I mean, one has to do with her weight and that she s been waiting.
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It s funny, I just wrote a blog on this and I called it Waiting for Godot.
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And those of you who know that play, it s about two guys who are waiting for this guy Godot.
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Well, guess what?
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Godot never comes.
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And my point around this is that you can wait your whole life for things, you know, waiting to buy that new dress, waiting to date, waiting to exercise.
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But a lot of times it s an excuse or, you know, a way to hide behind the fear of change.
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And so I love that she s even thinking about, you know, just kind of letting that go and getting out there and starting from where she is.
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Because the truth of the matter is, is that love for you will be reflected in a love that you have for yourself.
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People love people who love themselves.
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And so the work is exactly what you indicate, and that is your self-confidence.
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Because if you love you, any great guy is going to love you.
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And if he doesn t, he is not the right guy.
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So I just want to mention those two points because that s first and foremost.
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now that you ve decided to get back out there, yeah, you need a dating plan.
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And this is what I help people with all the time.
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I will just give you three quick tips around that in order to find the right kind of guys to interact with.
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Um, there are kind of three social interactions that you should think about in ways to meet men.
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And it s kind of like,
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I ve talked about this before, getting a dating portfolio that s diversified, much like a financial portfolio, right?
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That ll increase your chances in finding the right people.
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So I want you to do a combination of organic interactions, meaning just saying hi to people in the grocery store, in the coffee shops.
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I want you to look for events that are happening in your area.
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And if you don t know any, Google.
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It could be a business event.
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It could be single events.
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And start putting it on your calendar so you hold yourself to it.
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And the third thing is, is take a class.
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So you start seeing the same people over and over again and really develop your social circle.
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That really will increase your chances to finding love.
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Dear Jordan, I must first thank you for your podcast.
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It s no exaggeration to say that it and you literally changed my life for the better.
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It s been my playbook for self-improvement this past year and I tell everyone to tune into your show.
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My backstory is that I live in Memphis, Tennessee, smack dab in the Bible belt where everyone is married with kids and I m viewed as a freak.
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It s not that I can t get a date.
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In fact, I ve been accused of dating too much.
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I m usually out there three to four times a week, much to my friend s amusement and exasperation, but every guy falls into one of two categories.
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Either I m physically attracted to them and have no common interests or plenty of common interests but no physical attraction.
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This conundrum has led to my past four relationships being with struggling musicians and artist types that I ended up financially supporting, which is not what I want for a long-term relationship.
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I left each of those situations feeling used and unappreciated.
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Which brings me to Scott.
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He s great.
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Really great.
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Everything I want in a man, actually.
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Stable, loyal, funny.
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But I m not physically attracted to him.
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And I m trying not to be shallow, but I can t imagine spending the rest of my life with someone who I m not physically attracted to.
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But he s my best friend and loves me in an almost unconditional way, which probably has something to do with my dad dying and reminds me of him.
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Probably should talk to my therapist about that.
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Actually, just writing this email to you is making me much more self-aware of the situation.
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Scott knows I m still dating other people and seems happy to quote-unquote wait for me, but that is incredibly unfair to him and I m trying to sort out my feelings as quickly as possible.
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I suppose the bottom line is, do I pass on my dream man because I m not physically attracted to him?
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Thank you again for all that you do.
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Respectfully, Joelle.
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Oh, wow.
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Well, there s a lot here too.
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But I think, you know, that question of do I pass on my dream man because I m not physically attracted to him, that comes up all of the time.
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And I think, you know, we get attracted to different people for different reasons.
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But before I address that and how to even kind of work on that for you,
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It s, in this particular case, I think, I was glad that she mentioned about her dad dying, because I do feel like in this case, there is, you know, definitely a dynamic here that maybe she s trying to work through.
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You know, I always say that our past are like eight track tapes.
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And for those of you who are my age know what 8-track tapes are.
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Young people, you probably don t even know what they are, but they are things that don t work anymore.
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You guys have MP3 now for music.
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But back then, we thought it was the next best thing.
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And the thing about our past is we keep trying to play it like an 8-track tape, but it s not valid any longer.
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And yet, we still try to work through it.
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The past is connected to the future and the choices we make and the patterns that get created.
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When you are not feeling settled in your dating life and you start seeing patterns for yourself of who you re getting attracted to that maybe aren t healthy for you, that is something to look at.
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Because at the end of the day, you can t change these guys, you know, she was attracted to
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these musician and artist types, and physically she probably was attracted to them, but then she was left feeling used and unappreciated.
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So, with her, I would almost invite her to look at the guy that she s dating now, who reminds her of her dad, versus the guys that she had dated in the past, and see what is what.
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And I m glad to hear that she has a therapist to work out some of that.
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But I do have something that I do with a lot of clients.
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It s called the chemistry analysis for those of you who are confused about what really creates attraction.
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And what it is, is that if you look at, I believe that chemistry is comprised of four components.
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the emotional chemistry, the physical chemistry, the intellectual, and the spiritual.
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And if you define those four domains for yourself and you actually put a percentage on what kind of gets you, you know, when you meet somebody, and then when you go out on a date, actually fill out that chart and what percentage that person is falling for you, you know, so that if you, let s say you re 80% attracted to somebody physically on the first date,
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Then force yourself to go out with him maybe two or three times and fill it out again and see if that changes.
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Because what I find is the healthier relationships actually have a more even distribution between all four domains.
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So it should be more like 25, 25, 25, 25.
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It s not always going to be perfect, but it s something to think about.
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And as you re going out there dating different people, it s really getting to know yourself.
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And so that s what I call data dating.
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Thanks, Kim, for taking care of all that.
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There s a lot there.
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Sometimes I just gotta call in reinforcements.
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I hope you all enjoyed that.
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This week I did a video about our role in every relationship and how everything that happens to us is actually a reaction or processed through that role.
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Thus, we have the power to change what seem like external events by changing our own behavior.
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Might sound a little convoluted, but check it out.
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That s at theartofcharm.com slash fmf44.
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And I hope you dug the show with Kim.
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Don t forget, you can reach us at Friday at theartofcharm.com.
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We read everything.
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We d love to hear from you.
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And of course, the Art of Charm Challenge at theartofcharm.com slash challenge or text charmed to 33444.
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We re showing you step by step how to become better at making personal and professional connections, become a better networker, and increase your personal social capital and charisma.
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It s for both guys and gals.
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So check that out at theartofcharm.com slash challenge or text charmed to 33444.
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Quick shout out to Than Vu and, wait for it, Patana Pong.
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Wait, Patana, yeah, Patana Pong, listening in Vietnam and Thailand respectively.
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Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up and I ll shout you out.
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More from the art of charm at theartofcharm.com.
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Now have a great weekend.
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Get out there and connect and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to the Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.