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Time for Fan Mail Friday, where we ll be answering your questions and dropping some knowledge and feedback to help you kick the weekend off right.
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, this isn t the best place to start.
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Most of our content is much more in-depth and longer format, so check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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That s where we ve got the fundamentals of body language, nonverbal communication,
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attraction, negotiation, networking, and everything else we teach here at The Art of Charm.
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All right, let s cut to it.
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Brian writes, I m super sociable.
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I was in a fraternity in college and I really learned how to network with people professionally.
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I enjoy talking to new people and meeting new people.
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I recently moved to Columbia, South Carolina from Houston, Texas.
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The demographics are completely different.
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I m a black guy who has always flowed well in quote-unquote standard America, but here in South Carolina, I m having trouble relating to girls.
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I ve always dated interracially, but this town doesn t seem to be as open to it as Texas.
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The girls I m running into are typically collegiate, and I m far beyond that in my mindset.
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I m 25, and the idea of talking about getting drunk in trashy college bars is definitely not my scene.
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Unfortunately, that s all that seems to be available here.
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My question here is, how do I approach women who are clearly out of my league and just want to really make friends out here?
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I ve listened to the podcast regarding making friends in a new city.
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I think it was really helpful, but overcoming these racial biases that exist in a place like South Carolina is still fairly difficult to overcome.
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Do you have any input?
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I do have input, Brian.
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Thank you very much.
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First of all, I looked at Brian s email signature and he works for a consulting company.
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He has a good job.
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And, you know, you mentioned you ve dated interracially before, so it s not something that s impossible in your mindset.
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However, you did throw out a little bit of a red flag.
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How do I approach women that are clearly out of my league?
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not sure that s a good mindset to have.
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You should be a lot more confident, especially if you think someone s out of your league and they re drunk, trashy college girls talking about getting drunk.
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That s not where you should see your league and you definitely shouldn t be putting yourself below them.
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So maybe I misread that, but either way, you got to kind of get your mind right on that one.
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And I would refer you to some of the toolbox and confidence episodes that we talk about there.
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You need to go where the right people are, more importantly.
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If you re going to college bars, you re going to meet college girls.
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If you re going to dive bars with young racists or whatever, you re going to meet the wrong kind of people.
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You need to be going to professional events and cultural stuff.
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So what I would say for you here on this and by way of advice is make a list of three to five things you want to learn or do.
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Like maybe you re really into cooking or you want to learn how to cook.
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or you want to learn how to play a certain kind of sport, or you already play a certain kind of sport, join meetup groups, meetup.com, or join leagues or classes at community colleges or community centers that have that kind of thing, and you re going to start to meet more normal, everyday type of people that are probably more open to meeting other people as well, and you re not going to be hanging out with dumb, you know, young girls that don t want to date you because of the color of your skin.
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Jason, do you have anything to add to that?
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Well, yeah, I mean, he was talking about just seeing all the the college things that that are going on.
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I went to Eventbrite, I put in Columbia, South Carolina, and just put the date from now till the end of the year.
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And I found 1128 different events going on that he could go out there were like professional events where he could meet people who are not in the college scene.
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You know, there s other things out there than just trying to find the the bars.
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Yeah, but I totally get that mindset because when you ve gone to college and all you do is go to the bar and meet people, it s kind of hard to think about how to do that in other ways.
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But now is the time, my friend, because you re hitting the wall.
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Thomas writes, Hi AOC, been listening to the podcast for about a year now.
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I have to say that the show has helped a ton in pretty much every part of my life, especially when it comes to situations like first impressions, job interviews, etc.
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definitely helped me land the job I applied for earlier this summer.
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Although the show s been a tremendous help to me, there s been one issue I still can t seem to shake, dealing with nonverbal communication.
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Being partially blind, I m not able to see the majority of nonverbal cues.
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Many of the episodes on the podcast outline how important the nonverbal stuff is, including one of my favorite episodes where you guys interviewed the former CSIS agent, Yay Canada.
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Although there are a couple tricks I ve learned on my own and advice I ve received from friends over the years in regards to reading body language, such as hang out in a quieter place to hear people s tone and timbre of voice, look for larger gestures, et cetera, that stuff only seems to work to a degree.
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Occasionally, I still seem to get the feeling I m missing a lot of what s going on.
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And in some situations, by the time anybody uses their voice or anything significant I can pick up on, that usually means they ve exhausted all their body language trying to communicate their point to me.
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What tips or advice would you guys have for someone who can t see the body language slash nonverbal signs?
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Is there any way I can still get close to the same amount of info that s given by visual cues?
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My other blind slash partially blind friends and I would greatly appreciate any advice you guys have to offer.
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I m just imagining this room full of partially blind dudes just listening to this show, hanging out.
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And that s kind of, it s funny, but it s also kind of a cool visual for me, pardon the pun, because I never thought about this being a great format for people who can t see.
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But by the way, yes, you re missing some stuff because you can t see, but the good news is you re not missing a whole lot, especially in dark, gross bars.
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You probably just don t know what you re sitting on, which is fine.
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I would say, look, man, you ve gotta rely a lot more on verbal communication, duh, right?
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You can lean in a little bit closer, that s the good news, because you have, you re visually impaired.
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You can banter, and you can say things like, since I can t see you, I can only assume you re leaning in and facing me because I m super interesting, or I can only assume you re really into me by your body language, take it with a grain of salt, I m actually blind.
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I mean, this type of banter,
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is gonna get you further than trying to explain, well, I can t see your nonverbal communication because, you know, you re gonna have to use their voice to get the cues that their body normally has.
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So if somebody s a little bit disinterested, you re gonna have to train yourself to hear that in their voice.
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And it s something that comes with practice, because I know it s possible because I can do it.
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And I can see just fine.
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I ve trained myself to listen to those types of things.
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It s a little bit hard for me to tell you how to do that here on Fan Mail Friday, but you ll be able to tell when somebody s looking at you and talking and when they re not.
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You probably can already do that.
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And you can also sense if somebody s less interested by the amount of energy they re putting into their voice, the amount of emotion they re putting into their communication.
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Those tells, the good news, another bit of good news for you, those tells are much more accurate than what people are doing with their body a lot of times because people who are polite might still have positive nonverbal communication or look friendly.
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It s a lot easier to misread, but vocal cues based on tonality are generally pretty accurate.
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You can probably already hear a lot of it, you just might not know what it is.
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Anxiety, friendliness, things like that.
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You re just gonna have to dig a layer deeper and look for interest.
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So I hope that helps.
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It s a little bit tough to teach it in two minutes.
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Dear Jordan, my name is Christy.
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I am 28 years old and have been living the single life for the past two and a half years.
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I found your podcast this summer as I was searching through self-improvement podcasts when I was preparing for a road trip.
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I am now hooked to your podcast and find your business and entrepreneurial advice fascinating.
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I especially love the body language interviews.
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I live in a rather large city in Alaska and I largely find men to date through friends or on Tinder.
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I ve been struggling to find guys who are actually striving to be better people while constantly improving themselves.
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I am a recovering shy person and I have constantly made efforts to overcome my social fears.
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I want to see the same tenacity in someone I date.
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This is hard to decipher, of course, when you first meet someone and are getting to know them.
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What are the best questions I should be asking these men in our first encounter or our first date to see if they are the type of person who seeks to improve themselves as much as I strive to?
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I m starting to realize how valuable my time is, which is why I want to ask the right questions at the beginning.
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Thanks.
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The trick is it s really hard to ask them, right?
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You re looking for that tenacity, you re looking for questions to ask, but really it s not gonna be something that you ask about, it s gonna be something you see in their lifestyle.
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So I would say find out what they do for work, find out if they enjoy it, and find out what their hobbies are.
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Are they video games and watching TV on Netflix like Jason?
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Or is it like, just kidding.
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Or is it like working out and reading or going to classes and learning stuff, also like Jason?
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So there s a lot here that s going to tell you what they like.
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Asking them, sure, everyone s going to go, yeah, I really like developing myself, but are they actually putting in the hours?
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Are they actually doing it?
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Is it somebody who learns Chinese in the morning, like myself, just for kicks?
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Or is it somebody who is waiting for the next installment of Insert Video Game Here so they can binge play over their winter break?
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Are they taking trips to Vegas to gamble?
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Or are they taking trips to events or experiences elsewhere that might be a little bit longer lasting?
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Look, there s nothing wrong with vacationing.
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occasional Vegas binge, but if it s what they do every time they get free time, that tells you something about who they are and whether or not they re going to be a good match for you.
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These aren t guaranteed screeners, but they re a great start.
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So you can ask about those things instead of just asking them sort of specifically what they say they re into.
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Because again, actions speak louder than words and people know what you want to hear.
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but it s harder to lie about what they actually do.
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Again, though, don t be too heady about this, or you ll be interviewing guys instead of dating them, and that s boring.
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You don t wanna be that girl.
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Billy writes, here s my question in three lines.
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I d like to know how other guys treat their former girlfriends slash romantic partners slash hookups.
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I don t wanna punish them by avoiding and excluding, but I need to if I m going to be emotionally available for other women.
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Yeah, good question, Billy.
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And in Billy s email, he gave us a lot of detail, which we ll skip some because it s personal and some because it s not necessary and the rest because it s a lot.
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But what you need to do if you ve got somebody who you ve dated for a while that you re now friends with that doesn t seem to be getting the memo, you need to have a tough talk.
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And that s not something either of you are going to enjoy.
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But if somebody doesn t want to let you go, you ve really got to lay it down straight.
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There s no real sparing their feelings after a while.
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If it s something that you ve talked about before, you re no longer dating, but she is sort of interfering with your ability to meet and attract other people, this is a problem.
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And unfortunately, you may need to cut her off from certain social events if she s not really gonna play by the rules that you guys agree on here.
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She s doing a lot of the flirting with you and a lot of the touchy stuff that you mention in your letter,
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because she s craving validation.
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It s needy and it s one reason that I assume your relationship actually ended earlier.
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Try to talk it out first.
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She might just be feeling rejected still and she s trying to close that loop by seeing that you re still into her a little so that she heals.
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It s a tough balance but you have to look out for yourself here and your emotional and relationship health because if you keep someone in your life just to spare their feelings,
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At the expense of your own love life, you re going to end up resenting her, your friendship s going to end anyway, and you re going to be much worse off for it in the relationship department.
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Donald writes, I m an old-fashioned man in the body of a 29-year-old.
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When I talk to a girl, my end goal is not to sleep with them because that s not who I am.
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To the other extreme, my end goal at any interaction is not to start a relationship, let alone marry them.
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Talk about too much pressure to start with.
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How do you combat this default mentality that all interest is based around desiring a sexual encounter?
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Or how do you even go about signaling to a girl
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who may be expecting slash wanting that herself, that it s not on the table and it has nothing to do with her.
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Yes, I may find her attractive and may eventually want to date seriously, at which point she d know that I want to wait on sexual activity.
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But in a world where sex is an assumed goal, where does a guy like me fit in?
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Yeah, good question.
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So I know Donald s a little bit religious or at least conservative in his background.
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And so I understand the problem here because it is kind of assumed that if you go on a couple of dates, she might be a little bit on the defense, which is unnecessary.
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But also she might decide, OK, now it s time to sleep together.
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And you re like, whoa, back up the truck.
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I m not into that.
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So luckily, you re in the United States where
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half the country is probably equally conservative.
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One thing that you can do in the beginning to sort of stave this off or at least establish your boundaries and where you are, show genuine interest in her, which is great.
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Women find this completely refreshing as long as it s actually authentic and genuine.
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And the brilliant part of that there is that since you re showing genuine interest in her, she might not care whether or not you get intimate really quickly.
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The other thing is you can set up dates during the day when possible.
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So dates at night, they re a little bit more romance-esque, if you will, because there s low lights, there s a little bit more formal environment.
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If you re doing things during the day like hiking or hanging out or getting coffee, the idea that you might have intimate relations afterwards is pretty much off the table.
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Also, do more talking than touching.
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Touching and sexual escalation is, of course, sexual in nature and leads to sex.
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That s the whole point.
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So if you do more talking than touching, you do run a little bit of the risk of friend zoning yourself, but you ll at least be able to get to know somebody well enough to show, hey, look, I m conservative, you re conservative, let s be conservative.
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Otherwise, you ll screen each other out.
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So that s really good.
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And last but not least, when relationships are discussed, don t be afraid to mention long-term relationships.
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That s a good sign of someone stable, and it shows, like, look, my last girlfriend, we dated for X years.
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My girlfriend before that, we dated for a few years.
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That shows that you re not just bouncing from girl to girl, and that s a sign that conservative people generally find appealing, because it shows that stability.
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You gotta be careful, though.
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The balance here is you can t neuter yourself.
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If you come across as purely asexual, even the most conservative person might find it a little bit weird, and you might screen them out by accident.
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On the blog, one of the things we re talking about this week and a little bit last week is how to enter the room like a boss.
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John Corcoran from Small Business Revolution, good friend of ours, he wrote a post for the Art of Charm blog that talks about getting that first impression, that nonverbal communication.
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Getting people to notice you when you enter the room and really nailing it.
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Why and how you enter a room and why that matters.
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And of course some tips for projecting confidence and authority when you enter any room.
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I love it.
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Comes from before you enter the room, before you even go out in public, and all the way when you stroll in.
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So that one we re finding pretty interesting.
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A lot of feedback from that one.
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So go to the blog and enjoy that.
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Theartofcharm.com slash blog for that.
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Anyway, hope y all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget you can reach me at jordanattheartofcharm.com.
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We read everything.
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We d love to hear from you.
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More from The Art of Charm at theartofcharm.com.
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Now have a great weekend.
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Get out there and connect and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Hey, Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
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Winning is an everyday mindset, and Craig Robinson and John Calipari are here to help.
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You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
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Thanks for listening to the Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and everything for the extraordinary man at theartofcharmpodcast.com.