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Hello and welcome to Normal Gossip.
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I m Kelsey McKinney, and in each episode of this podcast, we re going to bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world.
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But first, today I have a very exciting announcement, which is that for the first time in my entire long life, I have managed to keep a secret.
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And not only have I kept a secret, I have kept a secret for years.
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It s incredible.
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I m so proud of myself.
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And that secret is that I have been working on a book about gossip and how we interact with it and why we love it so much.
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And now I am done with it and I am so proud of it.
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And I m proud of myself.
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The book is called You Didn t Hear This From Me, and it has personal stories and real gossip and chapters on things like Britney Spears and religion and urban legends and Gilgamesh.
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Something that s really weird about publishing is that pre-orders of books are super important because they help publishers understand why a book matters and what the audience for it is and how much time and resources they should invest into a project.
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I love pre-ordering books because I always forget and then they arrive on publishing day and I m like, oh my God, a little present I bought for myself, what a treat.
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So you can pre-order my book wherever books are sold right now and then you ll get it when it comes out, a little treat for yourself in the future.
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And if you pre-order it from Lost City Books in DC, I will sign it, and that link will be in the show notes.
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Okay, let s move on.
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I am so excited to have with me this week, Justin Ellis.
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Justin Ellis is the project s editor for Defector, where he has the agony and ecstasy of editing both me and Alex.
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His TV credits include Wyatt Cinek s Problem Areas on HBO, and How to Fix a Drug Scandal on Netflix.
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In his previous lives, he has been a podcast host, a magazine editor, a media business reporter, and a newspaper beat writer.
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He is currently at work on his first nonfiction book, it s Bookstay today.
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The Cruelty of Nice Folks for Harper.
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Justin, welcome to the show.
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Hello, Kelsey.
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Hello, Justin.
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Do you want to tell me what your relationship with gossip is?
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Start me off with a classic answer.
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You know how some people are like, well, I turned into a messy bitch after I ve had a few drinks?
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Yes.
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I don t think it s like that with me.
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I m sure some people would say I m definitely messy when I ve had a few drinks.
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But I think it s more like I get heated about something, and that s when the Aries comes out.
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Yes.
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I think it s a lot of the time that it s just like, I m like, I don t, this isn t, I m not, it s not who I am.
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I m better than that.
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I go high when they go low.
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Oh, wow.
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When someone crosses me, I m like, let me tell you, this heifer did me wrong.
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That s a phrase my mom would always deploy when it s like, you know, someone fucked up real bad.
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Why?
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I don t know.
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I don t know.
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It s honestly, it took me a very long time in my childhood to be like, oh, that s actually a term for an animal.
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Because to your mom it just meant someone who had messed up.
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It s someone that had crossed her in such an egregious way or had fucked up in another way that it s just like, oh.
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So that s how I bring it out.
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I think it comes out for me when I am just like,
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extremely pissed or perhaps just at some sort of like low level where it s like, oh, the fucks are gone.
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Guess what?
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It s now dagger hours.
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Right.
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So dagger hours can either be achieved by enough pressure and animosity or, you know, two glasses of wine.
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That s right, yeah.
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I love this phrase from your mom.
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Was she a gossip, though?
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Oh, yes.
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Oh, she was?
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Oh, yes.
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Because that could also be just deploying secrets and then reaching a breaking point like you re talking about.
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No, my mom was definitely a gossip, and I think that she enjoyed being someone who could collect other people s gossip and then spread the gossip and be known as someone who keeps information, but also was known to be someone that you do not cross.
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Because she had it all.
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Exactly.
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Exactly right.
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When you collect all the whispers, you do not get fucked with.
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You are not someone to trifle with.
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And my mom liked to do that, but my mom also liked to do that to protect people and like to defend the people that she loved.
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And like she worked as an educator for all of her career and was like also extremely pro-union and also extremely pro-looking after workers who were marginalized.
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So it s just, it was a lot of like,
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getting into situations where it s like, well, what you re not going to do is what you just did.
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And let me deploy these whispers that I just kept in my back pocket about all the shit that you have done.
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And once you have been read, we will come back to the first point in all this.
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So you studied under a master in terms of like deploying secrets.
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I did.
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Um, do you I truly hate to ask you this because every writer hates this, but you are working on a book.
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Is there any gossip in the book?
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Does gossip play a role in the stories that you re telling?
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So my book is about the conditions that led to George Floyd s death in my hometown.
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I grew up in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
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And I wrote something after that happened that was like, this was always going to happen.
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And my reason for that is that the conditions there have been a kind of low key
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simmering, polite racism for decades and decades.
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And so there s for many years, just like this uneasy living side by side that happens in Minneapolis, even though it is like, hmm, that s weird.
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Like, why can t black families live in this neighborhood?
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We ll never know.
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Even though
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the city and its forebears and its politicians have said how much they care about inclusivity and like making strides for all families, you know, regardless of race, creed, and color.
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So yeah, I mean, gossip plays into that in the same way that, you know, I think for a lot of black families, it s like,
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You can move to this neighborhood, you can t move to that neighborhood.
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You can trust this person that you work with, but you cannot trust this person.
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And even sometimes you can trust or can t trust this politician.
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And when you just say everybody should get along and play nice is when really horrible shit happens to people either out of view and then sometimes just in front of the whole world.
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Yeah.
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I have been told that you brought a gossip for me, is that true?
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I did.
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Oh my god, great.
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And it is, we ll call it a parent s story.
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Okay, great.
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And this involves a couple.
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We will call them Ben and Leslie.
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Okay.
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And Ben and Leslie live a very nice life.
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They have a young daughter who is under the age of 10.
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Okay.
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And Ben and Leslie become friends with a family that s a couple of doors down because they re kids like each other.
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Great.
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It s very sweet.
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That is sweet.
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So Ben and Leslie are hanging out
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with this other family.
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And they re doing some drinking.
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Yeah, as one does.
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As one does.
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Everybody s just hanging out.
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They re having a good time.
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And the mom in the couple tells them that, oh, well, you know, she s, they re good enough friends now.
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She s had a couple of drinks and she s like, you know, I don t know if I ve ever told you guys, but I m bisexual.
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Okay.
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And they re like, oh, all right, you know, that s okay.
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All right, whatever, you know, like, thank you.
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Great.
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That s an information.
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And, you know, just in the conversation of talking about this, Ben and Leslie are like, sure, you know, like, you know, it s, that s great for you.
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And like, Leslie s like, oh, sure, you know, I think I m, I m probably on that, that spectrum myself.
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Right.
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And so,
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The mom sees this as a opening and sort of questions like, well, why, Ben, have you always been keeping Leslie down?
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Why have you not been letting her explore this side of herself?
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Now Ben and Leslie are very much like, I think perhaps it s time for everyone to put down their high noon and take a deep breath.
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Uh-huh.
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Wait, I have a clarifying question.
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Yes.
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This bisexual mother, she is married to a man in this story?
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She s married to a man in this story.
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OK, great.
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Continue.
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This continues, though, despite everyone saying, whoa, let s put down our high noons, to the point where now the other mom is just actively trying to hit on Leslie.
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Yeah.
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I was about to say, why are you giving this piece of information in such a
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like, presentational manner if you don t intend to do anything with it.
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Like, this is a move.
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It s a move.
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It s a move.
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You re just putting it out there, putting it in the pond.
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Yeah.
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And so Ben and Leslie are able to excuse themselves finally.
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They re like, you know what?
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Okay.
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Well, it s been a good time.
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It s been real.
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It s been fun, but it hasn t been real fun.
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Goodbye.
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Yeah.
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And, you know, the following day, they re able to have a sober conversation and be like, whoa.
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Yeah.
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Okay.
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Maybe we shouldn t have filled the kiddie pool with margaritas.
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Like, that s fine.
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You know, everybody s in good.
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Everybody s in a good place.
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Like, it was a little silly, but whatever.
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That s fine.
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This is also such a nightmare to me as a non parent.
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I imagine it is hard to find a child who your child is friends with whose parents you actually like.
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So it s like you have found this couple and now she has demolished this by throwing, you know, vibes at you.
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Kelsey, you have no idea.
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Okay, great.
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As I am discovering as the parent of now 15 month old, yeah, you find yourself in situations where you re like, am I going to become parent friends with this person?
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Or is there going to be a kind of
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a cool association where we relate to each other as parents.
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And that s not always a fun thing to negotiate.
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But you are correct.
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When you find some people that you re like, oh, you re kind of cool, it would be great if we could actually hang out and our children could hang out.
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And now this woman has put the moves on you and ruined your friendship.
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Maybe.
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However.
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These families continue to hang out.
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A little bit of time passes.
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They are hanging out together again at a bar.
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Maybe it s like a little backyard situation.
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Everyone s got their patio drinks.
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Everyone s having a good time.
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And they re like, hey, it s getting late in the day.
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Why don t we all just go back and we ll all go hang out at our place?
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And they re like, yeah, it s fine.
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It s in the neighborhood.
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We obviously live a few doors away from each other.
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It s fine.
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It s great.
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It s whatever.
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And the mom actually has indulged to the point where she actually has just crashed, gone to bed.
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So the dad at this point is still up and is like, well, we re still here.
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Let s keep having some drinks.
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How s everybody feeling?
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We re feeling good.
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We re feeling right.
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I m feeling scared.
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That s when the dad, after he s poured some fresh drinks, is just like, you know, let me tell you guys a little something.
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Ben, Leslie, I ve come to trust you both and enjoy the company of both of you so much.
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I think it s important for you to know that I m bisexual.
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Oh my God, this couple!
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So, Ben and Leslie now find themselves in yet another awkward situation.
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Propositioning situation.
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They are being propositioned once again.
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It is a little bit of an ice storm, key party situation in their midst.
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And that is when Ben and Leslie say, look, okay, we gotta, we re gonna take little Timmy and, you know, school night, whatever excuse, and decide to go home.
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That is the right call, I think, in this scenario.
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And Ben and Leslie, while trying to be good friends and good neighbors and also
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Need I remind you, the kids are friends.
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They come back to the house the next day and they bring over some breakfast sandwiches to say like, hey, how s everybody doing?
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Wild night.
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The other parent s household just is completely oblivious to what they are talking about.
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What do you mean?
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What happened?
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What?
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And so now Ben and Leslie feel like they have information that perhaps they shouldn t have or that perhaps this couple needs to have together.
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Yeah.
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You know how they always say that people in relationships begin to look like each other and have the same mannerisms over time because they spend so much time together?
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It s very funny that this couple could have developed the same method for hitting on people, like, extramaritally.
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They re both like, I m bisexual.
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Would you like to kiss?
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And Ben and Leslie are like, what?
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I ve seen this film before.
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No, thank you.
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I ve watched this episode.
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I don t like how this episode ends.
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Yeah, no thank you.
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Would you like to hear the story that I have prepared for you?
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Oh my god, Kelsey.
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I cannot wait to hear the story that you have prepared for me.
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I have been kept in the dark force so goddamn long.
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Has it been taunting you?
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You would think that it is a fucking state secret on the normal cosset team.
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Yeah, well, so for a little behind the scenes, usually you come to all of our run throughs and you help us pick all the stories.
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And so your hands are in everything.
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And we decided when we decided you were going to come on that you shouldn t know anything about the story because it would be more fun and then you could be a real guest.
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So I m sorry that you had to go through this torture, but I hope that it will be worth it.
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They just put a blindfold on me, is what happened, and they re like, not for you.
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Yeah, he s been blindfolded for months.
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I ve been blindfolded and left in some sort of closet situation.
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Yeah, I m sorry that happened to you, but now you get to come out.
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I want you to imagine that you are in an exurb.
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Also, you re in the South.
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So it s hot.
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It s humid.
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It s so hot and humid that your car has condensation on it.
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No, that s right.
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That s right.
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Am I wearing cargo shorts and driving a Tacoma?
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Is that what it is?
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Is that the situation?
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No.
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Thank God, no.
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That s not the situation.
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OK, great.
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But you are driving through a bunch of strip malls.
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You re driving.
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You re driving.
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Finally, you find the strip mall that you re looking for.
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In the parking lot of this strip mall, all SUVs.
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Of course.
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Yeah.
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Why would there be anything other than an SUV there?
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Some of the SUVs have those little stick figure families on the back of them.
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You got to let them know.
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You got to let them know that you have at least three kids and a dog.
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Yes.
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And some of them have those yellow yield signs that say baby on board.
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You have arrived at your destination.
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You have arrived at Funfinity.
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which I m guessing is filled with nothing but fucking trampolines, and chutes, and ladders, and all sorts of things that potentially look dangerous to you and your children, probably a trapeze of some kind.
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You want essentially to send your child,
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through some sort of like Navy SEAL course, but make it fun.
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Well, you re getting a little ahead of us.
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Ooh.
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I know.
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We re going to come back to that.
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OK.
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So our friend of a friend this week, her name is Gloria.
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She s 41 years old.
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She s an interior designer.
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She s always wearing like a bold print wrap dress and like huge glasses.
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I love it.
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Go off, Gloria.
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Gloria is a hater by birth.
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Wow.
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You guys know me so well.
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She loves to be a critic.
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It is her passion.
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It is her birthright.
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She loves it.
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So no one was more surprised than her when at 34, she fell in love.
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Comes for us all.
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She lived in a big city.
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And so for love, she married her wife, Taylor.
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And they moved to the South, and they decided to have a baby.
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They go through this whole rigmarole of getting a sperm donor, doing IUI, and now they have Emma.
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Gloria loves Emma.
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She loves being a mom.
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But when she envisioned being a mother, she envisioned woodblock toys and cool mom friends.
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And now she is here in a smaller city in the South where she and Taylor have not been able to find one cool gay couple friend.
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And now she s at the most stressful place on Earth, Funfinity.
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Oh.
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Funfinity is an indoor playground.
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Shocking.
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I m going to describe this setup, but there is a lot going on.
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You come in through the main doors.
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There is a concession stand with cotton candy and hot dogs and shit.
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Yes.
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And then there are three main areas to the Funfinity.
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In the center is a little area that has like walls around it.
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And this is for the littlest kids.
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Then there are two other areas, one for littler kids with small slides and a seesaw and a ball pit.
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And then there is the jungle.
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The jungle is like a McDonald s play place on stairways.
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It is very tall, it has tons of protective denning, it has giant slides, and it has trampolines.
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What do you think Funfinity smells like?
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SPEAKER_00
It s so much vomit and urine.
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It is the pervasive smell of a scented Yankee candle.
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SPEAKER_01
Yes.
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But it s an aerosol version of the Yankee candle.
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Like the minute you said snack bar, I was like, oh, that s the fuel.
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SPEAKER_00
Yes.
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That s what gets the kids all raged.
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up and then comes flying out once they start getting flung around the room.
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Yes.
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It also smells like antiseptic, because they re always cleaning, and cotton candy.
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Also at Funfinity in the back, there are private rooms that you can rent for birthday parties.
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SPEAKER_03
Obviously.
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The birthday rooms carry a sense of trouble and are also a sense of tension in our family.
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Because the first day that our family came to Funfinity, Taylor, like in an effort to get Emma excited, was like, Emma, maybe you could have your birthday here.
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But since then they have learned that it s expensive and also they hate Funfinity.
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So they re just kind of hoping that Emma has forgotten that she could have her birthday here.
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The problem with this plan is that every 45 minutes, a voice comes over the intercom that s like, hey kids, have the most magical birthday ever.
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Ask your mom if you can have your party at Funfinity.
2
SPEAKER_01
The only other announcement that ever comes over the loudspeaker is a code add-on, which means to block the doors because they ve got a runner.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, yeah, it s a jailbreak.
2
SPEAKER_01
How are you feeling at this point?
2
SPEAKER_03
I m terrified.
2
SPEAKER_03
I m absolutely terrified.
2
SPEAKER_03
Although this is deeply familiar to me because growing up in Minnesota, indoor play spaces were very big because you might have heard that the weather, certain times of the year, can kill a man.
2
SPEAKER_03
And so there s just a lot of spaces where it s just like we have essentially created like Geodome.
2
SPEAKER_03
But there s all you know, so there s a fake park, but also there s an ice skating rink.
2
SPEAKER_03
And also there s like a ropes course and all of these things.
2
SPEAKER_03
Notoriously, there is the Mall of America.
2
SPEAKER_01
And
2
SPEAKER_03
I may or may not have worked there as a teenager in the theme park at the center of America.
2
SPEAKER_03
So yes, am I feeling nervous right now?
2
SPEAKER_03
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_01
Funfindi for Gloria is a last resort.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s like a panic attack factory for her.
2
SPEAKER_01
It is also a place that can reach capacity.
2
SPEAKER_01
So if Funfinity is full, you can t go in.
2
SPEAKER_01
So there s on like a weekend or a day where it s really gross outside, there are always parents like waiting in their cars or waiting on these picnic tables outside.
2
SPEAKER_01
Their kids like getting more and more worked up by the minute.
2
SPEAKER_01
Today, it is going to rain.
2
SPEAKER_01
And Emma is very hyper.
2
SPEAKER_01
Gloria is like, I do not want to go to Funfinity.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I also do not want to put on Frozen 2 for the 500th time.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I am in a difficult situation.
2
SPEAKER_01
She never would have agreed to go.
2
SPEAKER_01
This woman would have written a play before she went to Funfinity, except that Emma has a new bit.
2
SPEAKER_01
And Emma s new bit is very funny.
2
SPEAKER_01
Emma is three years old.
2
SPEAKER_01
Three years old, I have learned, is a great age to have a bit.
2
SPEAKER_01
And this morning, when Gloria said they couldn t go to the playground because of the rain, Emma did her bit.
2
SPEAKER_01
She put both her hands up, and she went, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
2
SPEAKER_01
And Gloria laughed, and then Emma said, we have to go to Funfinity.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, see, that s that s the problem right there is like parenting is it could be super challenging and like exhausting and wreck you in so many ways.
2
SPEAKER_03
And then your kid unexpectedly picks you up at a certain point by doing something incredibly sweet or funny and you re like, Oh,
2
SPEAKER_03
You re a little person, and you re the best human being.
2
SPEAKER_03
And so I sympathize, because I would just be like, oh, you got it.
2
SPEAKER_03
You got it.
2
SPEAKER_01
And Gloria laughed, which means you re in a little bit of trouble, right?
2
SPEAKER_01
You laughed at your kid s bit, and now they are here at Funfinity.
2
SPEAKER_01
And they have a problem, because Funfinity is very crowded, and it s going to rain today, so it s packed.
2
SPEAKER_01
Usually, this is not a problem, because Funfinity has a VIP program.
2
SPEAKER_02
No, no, no.
2
SPEAKER_02
Shut up.
2
SPEAKER_01
The VIP program gets five people into Funfinity on a fast pass.
2
SPEAKER_01
And it gets you early procurement for busy days.
2
SPEAKER_01
It also lets you rent the birthday rooms.
2
SPEAKER_01
So it doesn t even give you the birthday room for your kid s birthday.
2
SPEAKER_01
You just have the opportunity to pay for it.
2
SPEAKER_03
It s just like everything in our busted economy.
2
SPEAKER_03
You have the opportunity to get this thing if you pay more.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
You can have all of this for the low, low annual fee of $900.
2
SPEAKER_01
Shut the fuck up.
2
SPEAKER_03
Shut the fuck up.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, boy.
2
SPEAKER_03
This is the wrong day for me to hear that.
2
SPEAKER_01
You could also pay $80 a month if you prefer that.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, well, in that case, if it s just an installment program, that s fine.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
900 is the discount you get by paying annually.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s right.
2
SPEAKER_03
Obviously.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s app economics right there.
2
SPEAKER_01
Gloria, being a born and raised hater, did not want to buy the VIP pass.
2
SPEAKER_01
She was like, this is deranged.
2
SPEAKER_01
I don t want to do this.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s crazy.
2
SPEAKER_01
But one day, in a panic, Taylor took Emma to Funfinity, and it was really crowded.
2
SPEAKER_01
And Taylor bought it.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
OK.
2
SPEAKER_01
Because Taylor was like, well, it s between $14 and $20 every time.
2
SPEAKER_01
And they have surge pricing.
2
SPEAKER_01
So it s more expensive on this.
2
SPEAKER_03
Surge pricing.
2
SPEAKER_03
Surge pricing.
2
SPEAKER_01
I love it.
2
SPEAKER_01
I love it.
2
SPEAKER_01
So it s more expensive in the summer and on weekends when it s already busy.
2
SPEAKER_01
And also, I was freaking out.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
It pays for itself, essentially.
2
SPEAKER_01
Basically.
2
SPEAKER_01
You simply have to bring your kid to Funfinity all the time.
2
SPEAKER_03
All the time.
2
SPEAKER_03
Every weekend, you re hitting Funfinity.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_01
So Taylor bought the pass, but this does not help us today, because Taylor usually takes Emma to Funfinity, and Taylor has to work.
2
SPEAKER_01
So Taylor has the pass with her.
2
SPEAKER_01
So Gloria can t even flash it and skip the line.
2
SPEAKER_01
She has to wait with the schlubs like everyone else.
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, absolutely not.
2
SPEAKER_03
No, you gotta, listen, you gotta call up your boo and be like, honey, can you just run, I m gonna pull up, I need you to run downstairs with the Funfinity pass because I am not trying to have a heated moment in line for the Funfinity.
2
SPEAKER_01
Finally, they get in.
2
SPEAKER_01
They wait with the schlubs, they get in, and Gloria is like, I have a migraine immediately.
2
SPEAKER_01
The only good thing about Funfenity in Gloria s mind is that all of the coffee is free for adults.
2
SPEAKER_01
So she gets her coffee and she sits on a foam block and she watches Emma run around.
2
SPEAKER_01
The only time she has to get up at all is when some older kids are bossing around some littler kids and she has to get up and be like, stop it.
2
SPEAKER_01
She s watching Emma.
2
SPEAKER_01
Emma s in the jungle.
2
SPEAKER_01
She s having a great time.
2
SPEAKER_01
And incredibly, she seems to be hitting it off with another little girl.
2
SPEAKER_01
Like, Emma is making a friend.
2
SPEAKER_01
Perfect.
2
SPEAKER_01
And this is big for Emma, because Emma never makes a friend.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s because Emma s smart.
2
SPEAKER_01
What do you mean it s because Emma s smart?
2
SPEAKER_03
Emma s discerning.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s fine.
2
SPEAKER_01
She is.
2
SPEAKER_03
You want your kids to be discerning.
2
SPEAKER_01
She is a discerning child.
2
SPEAKER_01
And Gloria and Taylor are kind of like, well, we can t really tell her that it s bad that she hasn t made friends, because we haven t really made any friends either.
2
SPEAKER_01
So we re kind of in a conundrum as a family.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
Then she s watching her daughter play with this other little girl, and she sees a woman, clearly this little girl s mom, talking to them.
2
SPEAKER_01
The woman is wearing one of those insane NASCAR shirts that has faces on it.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yep, that s right.
2
SPEAKER_01
But all of the faces are Missy Elliott.
2
SPEAKER_03
Now hold on.
2
SPEAKER_01
And Gloria is like, hm, uh?
2
SPEAKER_03
Now hold on.
2
SPEAKER_01
Uh?
2
SPEAKER_03
Listen, we all remember that time.
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
She s like, this is ridiculous, but it s ridiculous in a way that I like.
2
SPEAKER_01
So she s looking a little more.
2
SPEAKER_01
This woman has a septum piercing.
2
SPEAKER_01
Gloria s like, this is the first cool woman I ve seen at Funfinity literally ever.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I have never seen this woman before.
2
SPEAKER_01
So her brain is like, friendship.
2
SPEAKER_01
You re Gloria.
2
SPEAKER_01
You re kind of far away.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_01
Do you go over there?
2
SPEAKER_03
Oh, absolutely.
2
SPEAKER_03
You re going.
2
SPEAKER_03
Listen, I m – I will fess up right now to being like the lifeguard style of parenting where it s just like I m at the edge of the pool, like pacing.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I m ready.
2
SPEAKER_03
Just being like, what s up over there?
2
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_03
What s up with that shit?
2
SPEAKER_01
Gloria stands up.
2
SPEAKER_01
She s like, I m going over there.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m making a friend.
2
SPEAKER_01
This is a big day for me.
2
SPEAKER_01
But as she stands up, this woman is like picking up her daughter and they re both waving goodbye to Emma.
2
SPEAKER_02
Uh-oh.
2
SPEAKER_01
And Gloria s like, shit.
2
SPEAKER_01
So she s like trying to get across the Funfinity really fast, but there s like kids everywhere.
2
SPEAKER_01
And you can t like Heisman block a kid.
2
SPEAKER_01
So it takes her a really long time.
2
SPEAKER_02
But you can hurdle them because they re small.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yes.
2
SPEAKER_01
So she s going fast and like weaving.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s right.
2
SPEAKER_01
But by the time she gets to Emma, the woman and her daughter are gone.
2
SPEAKER_01
And Emma is somewhere up in the jungle.
2
SPEAKER_03
That s right.
2
SPEAKER_03
And you ve lost your child now.
2
SPEAKER_03
You ve fallen.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
You re Gloria.
2
SPEAKER_01
You want to befriend this woman.
2
SPEAKER_01
You have zero leads.
2
SPEAKER_01
What do you do?
2
SPEAKER_03
I mean, I think the only thing that you can do here, and this is, I know this idea because of living in a city with a lot of parks, but it s just like you are like, well, I guess we re going to go back to that park on a regular
3
SPEAKER_03
basis, and hope that we see this other cool parent some other time.
3
SPEAKER_03
Because there s not really, I mean, what are you gonna do, like, stand at the window and try to memorize their license plate number?
3
SPEAKER_03
Unfortunately, you ve got that DMV hookup so you can have the plate ready.
3
SPEAKER_00
Right, you re not gonna, like, bribe a high school kid at the counter of Funfinity to be like, who is that?
3
SPEAKER_00
That s crazy.
3
SPEAKER_03
Or is it, Kelsey?
3
SPEAKER_03
Or is that just being a shrewd parent?
3
SPEAKER_00
Gloria s like, whatever.
3
SPEAKER_00
I tried my best.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m going to describe this woman to Taylor.
3
SPEAKER_00
Hopefully, between the two of us, we can run into her again.
3
SPEAKER_00
Emma has fun.
3
SPEAKER_00
She s ready to go.
3
SPEAKER_00
They re leaving.
3
SPEAKER_00
On the way out, Emma s like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
3
SPEAKER_00
We have to get cotton candy.
3
SPEAKER_00
And Gloria s like, you re right.
3
SPEAKER_00
We had a brush with friendship that failed.
3
SPEAKER_00
We deserve cotton candy.
3
SPEAKER_00
So they get their cotton candy, they eat it, they get in the car.
3
SPEAKER_00
Gloria s like, who is your new friend?
3
SPEAKER_00
And Emma s like, oh, her name is Olivia.
3
SPEAKER_00
And Gloria s like, Olivia?
3
SPEAKER_00
OK, now I have a name, right?
3
SPEAKER_00
That s more progress.
3
SPEAKER_03
She might have a chance to get a DOB on Olivia.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, you know what preschool she goes to?
3
SPEAKER_03
Just like a social, by any chance?
3
SPEAKER_03
You guys barely know numbers, but did you get her social?
3
SPEAKER_00
Is there anything that you think you can do with a three-year-old s first name to find this woman?
3
SPEAKER_03
Nothing that you would want on your internet search history, no.
3
SPEAKER_00
There s something I haven t told you about Funfinity.
3
SPEAKER_03
Here we go.
3
SPEAKER_00
The culture around Funfinity is so expansive that it also exists online.
3
SPEAKER_03
Of course there is an online fandom, and of course there is.
3
SPEAKER_03
So what, we re going to funfinity.usernet.org?
3
SPEAKER_00
Cute idea.
3
SPEAKER_00
No, there is not one, not two, but three important Funfinity Facebook groups.
3
SPEAKER_03
Okay, so we re back to Facebook.
3
SPEAKER_00
We re back to Facebook.
3
SPEAKER_00
Are you ready to learn about these groups?
3
SPEAKER_03
Let s hear it.
3
SPEAKER_03
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_03
Let s hear it.
3
SPEAKER_00
There is a main group.
3
SPEAKER_00
The main group has everyone in it.
3
SPEAKER_03
Okay, so wait, has there been a splintering?
3
SPEAKER_03
Is this like when a church separates?
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh yeah, baby.
3
SPEAKER_00
There is a main group.
3
SPEAKER_00
The main group, very chaotic, but it s like mostly used for people losing stuff, right?
3
SPEAKER_00
Like they re like, did anyone see this blankie?
3
SPEAKER_00
Did anyone see this bunny?
3
SPEAKER_00
Right?
3
SPEAKER_00
Like whatever.
3
SPEAKER_00
The main group also has a lot of rules.
3
SPEAKER_00
The rules are like positive vibes only,
3
SPEAKER_00
No photos of kids who aren t yours.
3
SPEAKER_03
That s right.
3
SPEAKER_00
No cursing.
3
SPEAKER_00
No selling stuff.
3
SPEAKER_03
Interesting.
3
SPEAKER_00
The main group is run by a bunch of like type A do-gooder like teachers pet women.
3
SPEAKER_00
And they very heavily monitor the group.
3
SPEAKER_00
They were like founding members of the Funfinity Fastpass.
3
SPEAKER_00
And they are not putting up with anything.
3
SPEAKER_00
Then there is another group.
3
SPEAKER_03
The splinter group.
3
SPEAKER_00
There are two splinter groups.
3
SPEAKER_00
The first splinter group, private.
3
SPEAKER_00
It is called Funfinity VIPs.
3
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, absolutely.
3
SPEAKER_00
For this group, you must submit a photo of your Funfinity FastPass card to get in.
3
SPEAKER_03
Along with a bank statement, I m assuming.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, for sure.
3
SPEAKER_03
That s right.
3
SPEAKER_00
This group is mainly used as an underground ticket dealing center for Funfinity bonus passes.
3
SPEAKER_00
So you want to throw a birthday party and you need extra passes into Funfinity, how much will you pay your fellow VIPs for those?
3
SPEAKER_03
I love capitalism so much.
3
SPEAKER_03
It s a black market just to make sure that three extra friends can get into Jimmy s birthday.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
3
SPEAKER_00
Gloria is in the main group, but she s not in the VIP group because you have to submit your photo.
3
SPEAKER_00
So only Taylor is in the VIP group.
3
SPEAKER_00
But Gloria is in the other splinter group.
3
SPEAKER_00
The other splinter group.
3
SPEAKER_03
The other splinter group I m assuming is something like Occupy Funfinity.
3
SPEAKER_00
The other splinter group is called Bad Moms of Scumfinity.
3
SPEAKER_03
Okay, all right, okay.
3
SPEAKER_03
All right, I m perking up again.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is a group for and by haters.
3
SPEAKER_03
My people.
3
SPEAKER_00
It is private.
3
SPEAKER_03
Absolutely.
3
SPEAKER_00
When you ask to join, you have to agree to the terms.
3
SPEAKER_00
The terms are real haters only.
3
SPEAKER_01
Absolutely.
3
SPEAKER_00
If you can t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.
3
SPEAKER_01
That s right.
3
SPEAKER_00
No takesies backsies.
3
SPEAKER_00
You cannot delete your posts.
3
SPEAKER_01
That s a coward move.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s a coward move.
3
SPEAKER_00
And you have to be prepared that someone might talk about you.
3
SPEAKER_00
You have to be able to handle it.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s a hater group.
3
SPEAKER_03
Whoa.
3
SPEAKER_03
Why are the haters like, listen, you re going to catch some strays.
3
SPEAKER_03
Watch your ass.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think really what they re trying to do is just protect hating as an art in the group.
3
SPEAKER_03
Hating is an art form.
3
SPEAKER_03
Let s be honest.
3
SPEAKER_00
So Glory is in this one and the main one.
3
SPEAKER_00
Taylor is in VIPs and the main one.
3
SPEAKER_00
Knowing these three exist.
3
SPEAKER_00
Do you think you could use any of these to help find Imah s friend?
3
SPEAKER_03
Well, obviously, you would start with the haters group.
3
SPEAKER_00
OK.
3
SPEAKER_00
Why?
3
SPEAKER_03
You re trying to find your kid s friend by locating what you have to only assume is another cool parent who seems like they might have some hater vibes.
3
SPEAKER_00
Gloria is like, I m going to text Taylor.
3
SPEAKER_00
Ask Taylor what she thinks.
3
SPEAKER_00
Where should I post this?
3
SPEAKER_00
It is important to note here, Taylor does not know that the haters group exists.
3
SPEAKER_03
Oh, OK.
3
SPEAKER_03
So here s here s.
3
SPEAKER_03
All right.
3
SPEAKER_03
So let s take it.
3
SPEAKER_03
We re going to break for a moment, kids.
3
SPEAKER_02
So the thing about relations.
3
SPEAKER_02
and about parenting is it s all built on a foundation of communication, trust.
3
SPEAKER_02
That s how you build the commitment.
3
SPEAKER_03
Love through the years and being able to text your loved one saying, hey, if you love me, you will let me be free and pop off in the haters group for funfinity.
3
SPEAKER_00
So this is the problem in their relationship is that Taylor does not care that Gloria is like consuming drama online, but Taylor is like, I don t want anything to do with that because she is an earnest girl.
3
SPEAKER_00
Gloria is alone in her hate.
3
SPEAKER_00
Gloria texts Taylor and she s like, do you think I should post this?
3
SPEAKER_00
Like Emma made a friend.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s so exciting.
3
SPEAKER_00
And Taylor s like, that is so exciting.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m thrilled to hear it.
3
SPEAKER_00
I do think you should post it, but I don t think we should post it in the VIP room because they re like on one right now about lobbying for exclusive hours.
3
SPEAKER_00
And Gloria s like, okay, great.
3
SPEAKER_00
So she posts in the main room and she s like, here s a photo of our daughter, Emma.
3
SPEAKER_00
She made a friend today named Olivia and we would love to set up a play date.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like I m not sure who her parents are.
3
SPEAKER_00
After this, there are lots of parents who have children named Olivia.
3
SPEAKER_00
Very popular name, apparently.
3
SPEAKER_00
Every photo of an Olivia, Gloria is showing to Emma, and Emma is like, no, none of those are my friend.
3
SPEAKER_03
I m sorry, hold on.
3
SPEAKER_03
You re doing, you re basically doing a perp walk for your toddler.
3
SPEAKER_03
Listen, sweetie, listen, sweetie, can you take a look at these?
3
SPEAKER_03
Can you take a look at these?
3
SPEAKER_03
I want you to take a look at these sketches.
3
SPEAKER_03
What do you think?
3
SPEAKER_03
Which one of these was your friend?
3
SPEAKER_03
Take your time.
3
SPEAKER_03
Take your time.
3
SPEAKER_03
I don t know why I just smirked.
3
SPEAKER_03
You also sound like a cop from the 1980s in New York City.
3
SPEAKER_00
She does it, but this doesn t work.
3
SPEAKER_03
Of course not.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like she does the little, she slides them through and Emma s like, none of those are my friend.
3
SPEAKER_00
Emma goes down for her nap.
3
SPEAKER_00
Gloria navigates over to the haters group.
3
SPEAKER_00
In the haters group today, there is a drama.
3
SPEAKER_00
It is a screenshot from the main group showing six elementary school kids with their arms crossed at the top of the jungle.
3
SPEAKER_00
And everybody is like, those kids were bullying little kids today.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like, we hate those kids.
3
SPEAKER_00
And they re like, going off.
3
SPEAKER_00
Right?
3
SPEAKER_03
I love it.
3
SPEAKER_03
This is my culture.
3
SPEAKER_03
That s right.
3
SPEAKER_03
Just making a picture of like a bunch of small children.
3
SPEAKER_03
That s totally normal behavior.
3
SPEAKER_00
Gloria s like, I literally had to stop them today from pushing around a toddler.
3
SPEAKER_00
She loves being a hater.
3
SPEAKER_00
Can you explain the joy of hating to those who might not be haters?
3
SPEAKER_03
Wow.
3
SPEAKER_03
This feels very pointed.
3
SPEAKER_03
This feels so pointed, you guys.
3
SPEAKER_03
The joy of being a hater, when you really drill down to it, is the sense of knowing better, right?
3
SPEAKER_03
It s that feeling of like, I know better than you.
3
SPEAKER_03
And whether knowing better is like,
3
SPEAKER_03
some sort of like deeper cultural knowledge or social norm.
3
SPEAKER_03
It is a thing that you hold on to with such fierce righteousness.
3
SPEAKER_03
That is central to the hater theology.
3
SPEAKER_03
The other thing that s central to the hater theology is long memory.
3
SPEAKER_03
Like haters basically will create a scribe written in blood of anyone.
4
SPEAKER_02
that has crossed them or their own, especially if they ve crossed their children.
4
SPEAKER_02
It is questionable whether you should be popping off on a picture of a bunch of six-year-olds, but at the same time, a child once pushed my daughter at preschool, and I was ready to
4
SPEAKER_00
Throwing hands.
4
SPEAKER_02
I was like, I m not going to fight you now, but like maybe out in the parking lot.
4
SPEAKER_00
The other thing about being a hater, in my opinion, is that like a lot of your hating you do internally.
4
SPEAKER_00
So the nice thing about this group is it s an outlet, right?
4
SPEAKER_00
You can let your hate live.
4
SPEAKER_02
You can breathe, breathe your hate into the open where it can fill the room and become a noxious gas that slowly kills everyone.
4
SPEAKER_00
everyone else s complaints, you could have them too.
4
SPEAKER_00
Now you have them.
4
SPEAKER_02
That s hot.
4
SPEAKER_02
And so you can meet on hate match.
4
SPEAKER_02
Like, that s great.
4
SPEAKER_02
That s so beautiful.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, exactly.
4
SPEAKER_00
Over the next few weeks, Gloria shows more photos of Olivia s to Emma.
4
SPEAKER_00
None of these photos are correct.
4
SPEAKER_00
Meanwhile, in the haters group, she is fighting against bare feet, against crumbly snacks, against kids bop, for bluey, and for hand sanitizer.
4
SPEAKER_00
It s about a month out from Emma s birthday.
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh, God.
4
SPEAKER_00
Emma s birthday is a very popular birthday week.
4
SPEAKER_00
They try everything.
4
SPEAKER_00
They re like, Emma, what about a pizza party?
4
SPEAKER_00
What about the beach?
4
SPEAKER_00
What about ice skating?
4
SPEAKER_00
And Emma is just going, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
4
SPEAKER_00
We have to go to Funfinity.
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh, the bit.
4
SPEAKER_02
Now the bit s getting a little stale.
4
SPEAKER_02
You re like, I need you to work up some new material, Emma.
4
SPEAKER_00
The problem is they can rent the room because they re VIP members, but they have to invite everyone at Emma s preschool because that s one of the rules.
4
SPEAKER_00
And so they need more passes than they are given.
4
SPEAKER_00
They go to the VIP group.
4
SPEAKER_00
They re like, hello, we re looking to buy extra passes for this weekend.
4
SPEAKER_00
they are having a hard time because it s January, so the weather is bad and it s raining.
4
SPEAKER_00
And so even after all that trading, with a week until Emma s birthday, they re still down a few tickets.
4
SPEAKER_00
What do you wanna do here?
4
SPEAKER_02
I don t know, you re probably gonna have to bribe somebody.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
4
SPEAKER_02
You re probably gonna have to like run up on one of those teenagers that run shit down at Funfinity and say, listen, I m gonna slowly slip this $20 bill across the table to you.
4
SPEAKER_02
and you re gonna look the other way as I shepherd in like six extra children, their names don t need to be in the system.
4
SPEAKER_00
That s a great strategy and I think it would have worked.
4
SPEAKER_00
But what they do is they decide we re gonna go to Funfinity and we re gonna politic around a little bit.
4
SPEAKER_00
Like not everyone is on the VIP Facebook group.
4
SPEAKER_00
We could probably just ask a few people if we can buy their extra passes for next weekend and this will work.
4
SPEAKER_02
Hustle them in the same way that somebody would doing Showtime on a New Year s Eve.
4
SPEAKER_02
and say, ladies and gentlemen, can I please get your attention?
4
SPEAKER_02
This is my lovely daughter, Emma.
4
SPEAKER_02
It is her birthday next week.
4
SPEAKER_02
We would very much like to be able to give her a splendid time.
4
SPEAKER_02
Please see it in your hearts to give us your extra passes.
4
SPEAKER_02
Thank you.
4
SPEAKER_00
This is basically what happens.
4
SPEAKER_00
They go.
4
SPEAKER_00
They go to Funfinity.
4
SPEAKER_00
Taylor goes up in the jungle with Emma because Emma s like, come up here with me.
4
SPEAKER_00
So Taylor goes.
4
SPEAKER_00
Gloria is leaning against a wall by the birthday rooms.
4
SPEAKER_00
She s gabbing with someone.
4
SPEAKER_00
Someone is like, oh yeah, I totally have two passes you can have.
4
SPEAKER_00
She s like, excellent.
4
SPEAKER_00
So she Venmo s this woman like $30.
4
SPEAKER_00
She gets her two tickets.
4
SPEAKER_00
She s like, I only need two more.
4
SPEAKER_00
Perfect.
4
SPEAKER_00
when she hears one of the kids coming out of this birthday room bragging about how this birthday party has cupcakes with peanut butter.
4
SPEAKER_00
Can you imagine a problem here?
4
SPEAKER_00
Yes, that is correct.
4
SPEAKER_00
Peanut butter is not allowed at Funfinity.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, that s a crime.
4
SPEAKER_02
That s the crime against the state.
4
SPEAKER_02
I m surprised they don t, like, lock down the whole Funfinity.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, kids are allergic to peanut butter, and kids are gross, so they re always, like, touching stuff without washing their hands.
4
SPEAKER_02
It s just smeared with Skippy on every single surface.
4
SPEAKER_00
The choosy moms.
4
SPEAKER_00
There s jiff everywhere.
4
SPEAKER_02
The choosy moms jiffed up the joint.
4
SPEAKER_02
And the kids, as it is, are already just like licking each other s eyeballs and like.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
4
SPEAKER_02
It s too late, it s at that point.
4
SPEAKER_02
It s like outbreak.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yes, Gloria turns around and in there is like this kid s birthday party.
4
SPEAKER_00
There s a mom like standing in her way who has like infinitely long hair, like it s so long maybe she could sit on it.
4
SPEAKER_00
And Gloria is like, this is so bad.
4
SPEAKER_00
So she like snaps a photo of the cupcakes through the window and she puts stickers over all the kids  faces.
4
SPEAKER_00
And then she posts this photo in the haters group with the caption.
4
SPEAKER_02
Oh no.
4
SPEAKER_00
Imagine being the kind of person who brings peanut butter into a space with an explicit no peanut butter rule just because it s your kid s birthday.
4
SPEAKER_00
No.
4
SPEAKER_01
People are mad.
4
SPEAKER_00
They re commenting, no peanut butter, no peanut butter.
4
SPEAKER_02
Okay, I think that this is not gonna end up in the place where Gloria wants it to end up.
4
SPEAKER_00
Right now though, she s on a high like no other.
4
SPEAKER_00
She s like, I m queen of the Bad Moms of Scumfinity group.
4
SPEAKER_00
I m living it up.
4
SPEAKER_00
Emma and Taylor come down from the jungle.
4
SPEAKER_00
She puts her phone away.
4
SPEAKER_00
Emma s like, I want you to come play in the ball pit with me.
4
SPEAKER_00
So she goes, they re in the ball pit.
4
SPEAKER_00
Weird Katy Perry kids bop is playing.
4
SPEAKER_00
Gloria feels like she s like high as a kite.
4
SPEAKER_00
on her hating, on this whole situation, on the smell of cotton candy.
4
SPEAKER_02
That s right.
4
SPEAKER_00
By the time they get out of the ball pit to go home, she s exhausted.
4
SPEAKER_00
But Taylor seems really happy.
4
SPEAKER_00
And so she s like, Taylor, what s up?
4
SPEAKER_00
And Taylor s like, I think I found us a potential friend.
4
SPEAKER_00
And Gloria s like, oh my god, really?
4
SPEAKER_00
And Taylor s like, yeah, she s gay.
4
SPEAKER_00
She s so cool.
4
SPEAKER_00
Her daughter is adorable and Emma s age.
4
SPEAKER_02
That s right, keep going.
4
SPEAKER_00
Gloria s like, hell yeah, that s great.
4
SPEAKER_00
I can t wait to meet them.
4
SPEAKER_02
It s happening.
4
SPEAKER_00
And Taylor s like, yeah.
4
SPEAKER_00
And they re going to give us their extra tickets for next Saturday because they re going to be out of town.
4
SPEAKER_00
So now we have all the tickets we need.
4
SPEAKER_02
Great.
4
SPEAKER_00
Gloria is thrilled.
4
SPEAKER_00
Predestined friendship.
4
SPEAKER_00
Taylor is like, wow.
4
SPEAKER_00
She s looking at this woman s Instagram on her phone.
4
SPEAKER_00
She s like, maybe when we re best friends, she can teach me how to get my hair that long.
4
SPEAKER_00
And Gloria s like, what?
4
SPEAKER_00
And Taylor shows her the Instagram on her phone, and it is the mom with the long hair from the birthday party.
4
SPEAKER_00
And the other mom in the photo is the cool mom from before.
4
SPEAKER_00
Oh.
4
SPEAKER_00
And Taylor s like, look how cute their daughter is.
4
SPEAKER_00
And she shows Gloria, who is like, adorable.
4
SPEAKER_00
I ve definitely seen that kid before.
4
SPEAKER_00
And Emma from the back is like, Olivia.
4
SPEAKER_00
And Taylor s like, no, sweetie, that s Olive.
4
SPEAKER_00
But Gloria knows what she means.
4
SPEAKER_00
That s Emma s friend.
4
SPEAKER_00
It was Olive, not Olivia.
4
SPEAKER_02
And now the hater finds themselves in a dilemma.
4
SPEAKER_02
in a dilemma.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, now you have a problem because you have talked shit about this woman in the haters group.
4
SPEAKER_00
And now she is your daughter and your wife s potential best friend.
4
SPEAKER_02
That s right.
4
SPEAKER_02
And if I may recall, please, you cannot delete anything.
4
SPEAKER_00
Bingo.
4
SPEAKER_00
Do you think you should confess to your wife in this scenario?
4
SPEAKER_02
I mean, this is a multi-tiered problem.
4
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, it sure is.
4
SPEAKER_02
You fucked up real bad here.
4
SPEAKER_02
And this is what I m getting at.
4
SPEAKER_02
Okay, come closer, listener.
4
SPEAKER_02
This is why communication is essential to a loving and healthy relationship.
4
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, Gloria is freaking out, right?
4
SPEAKER_00
On the drive home, she s freaking out.
4
SPEAKER_00
And she s like, okay, the problem is Taylor doesn t know about the haters group.
4
SPEAKER_00
And now I have been a hater in that group in a way that could come back to bite us.
4
SPEAKER_02
That s exactly right.
4
SPEAKER_00
And I felt fine about not confessing about the haters group because Taylor said that she didn t want to know about any of that shit.
4
SPEAKER_00
But now this directly impacts her.
4
SPEAKER_00
So I need to tell her.
4
SPEAKER_02
Okay.
4
SPEAKER_00
When they get home, Gloria makes Taylor a gin martini.
4
SPEAKER_00
I was just going to say, pour a glass of wine.
4
SPEAKER_00
Her favorite drink.
4
SPEAKER_02
Pour a big old glass of Shiraz and just say, hey babe, you know, I ve been doing some thinking.
4
SPEAKER_02
You know, starts doing the foot rub and it s like, you know, it s been such a long day and
5
SPEAKER_01
and I appreciate you so much.
5
SPEAKER_00
You re so close.
5
SPEAKER_00
She sits down and she s like.
5
SPEAKER_00
You know that I love you so much.
5
SPEAKER_01
Oh, God.
5
SPEAKER_00
And that you re an amazing mother and a great partner.
5
SPEAKER_00
Also, your hair shines so much.
5
SPEAKER_00
And Taylor s sipping her gin martini, and she s like, uh-huh.
5
SPEAKER_00
And Gloria s like, I need to tell you something.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I don t think you re going to like it, but I need you to listen with generosity and grace.
5
SPEAKER_00
And Taylor is like, Jesus, what did you do?
5
SPEAKER_00
And Gloria is like, I vented online about a parent at Funfinity.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I think that parent was the parent that you made friends with.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I m really sorry.
5
SPEAKER_01
Okay, I think we gotta give that apology.
5
SPEAKER_00
Pretty good.
5
SPEAKER_01
High marks.
5
SPEAKER_01
Gloria didn t fuck around with that.
5
SPEAKER_01
She got straight to the point.
5
SPEAKER_01
There was no, if I have offended you, I apologize.
5
SPEAKER_01
It was, this is what happened.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m sorry.
5
SPEAKER_00
I take responsibility.
5
SPEAKER_01
I am sorry.
5
SPEAKER_01
Can I refill your glass?
5
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
5
SPEAKER_00
Taylor is like, okay, did you post that on your close friends or something?
5
SPEAKER_00
And Gloria is like, well, no, I posted it in a Funfinity Facebook group.
5
SPEAKER_00
And Taylor s like, but you can t be negative in there.
5
SPEAKER_00
And Gloria is like, not there either.
5
SPEAKER_00
And Taylor s like, where?
5
SPEAKER_00
And she s like, in the haters group.
5
SPEAKER_00
And Taylor s like, there s a haters group?
5
SPEAKER_01
Let me take you to hell. 
5
SPEAKER_00
And Gloria s like, my sweet, sweet summer child.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yes, there s a haters group.
5
SPEAKER_00
And you said you didn t want to know about it, so I never told you about it, but here it is, right?
5
SPEAKER_00
She like shows her the group.
5
SPEAKER_00
She shows her the post.
5
SPEAKER_00
She s like, I m so sorry.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like, I didn t know that this was the woman that you talked about.
5
SPEAKER_00
And I do think it s fucked up to bring peanut butter in there.
5
SPEAKER_01
That s another good defense.
5
SPEAKER_01
This is another good defense.
5
SPEAKER_01
It s good defense to be like, listen, I was basically the Surgeon General.
5
SPEAKER_01
I was looking out for the health and safety.
5
SPEAKER_01
I was basically like a food safety inspector here.
5
SPEAKER_01
People should be applauding me.
5
SPEAKER_00
And Taylor is looking at this haters group and she s like, you know, scrolling a little and she s like, yeah, I did not want to know that this existed.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like, it upsets me to see this.
5
SPEAKER_00
She s like, but, and you know what, like, I totally understand, like, that happens.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like, it is a problem, but you can just delete the post.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like, just delete the post.
5
SPEAKER_01
Oh, Taylor.
5
SPEAKER_01
What must it be like to look up on the clouds and bask in the sunlight?
5
SPEAKER_01
To have flowers pop up wherever you walk?
5
SPEAKER_00
Gloria s like, sweetie, I love you so much, but I cannot delete this post.
5
SPEAKER_00
And Taylor s like, it s a Facebook post.
5
SPEAKER_00
And Gloria s like, it s against the rules.
5
SPEAKER_00
And Taylor s like, I don t care about these rules.
5
SPEAKER_00
Just delete it.
5
SPEAKER_00
Do you delete the post if you re Gloria?
5
SPEAKER_01
This is some foundational relationship.
5
SPEAKER_01
shit because no human being can, in a good conscience, explain to their partner why some online forum is more important than anything else.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
5
SPEAKER_01
So yeah, you got to just be like, all right, well, I guess I m just yeeting myself forever from this group, and I m just pulling the chute.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
Goodbye forever, haters.
5
SPEAKER_00
Gloria is like, while I still think that I m right, in her head, she s like, while I still think that I m right, and then it s wrong to delete this post, I love my wife so much, and she will never understand this.
5
SPEAKER_00
So goodbye, it goes.
5
SPEAKER_01
That s right.
5
SPEAKER_01
Internal hater monologue.
5
SPEAKER_01
Let s go.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yes.
5
SPEAKER_00
She deletes it.
5
SPEAKER_00
Taylor is happy.
5
SPEAKER_00
But this creates chaos.
5
SPEAKER_01
That s right.
5
SPEAKER_00
The next time she logs into the Facebook group, it is a tsunami.
5
SPEAKER_00
People are freaking out about the deleted post.
5
SPEAKER_00
She has offended the haters.
5
SPEAKER_01
God, you had to yeet yourself.
5
SPEAKER_01
You couldn t just delete this post.
5
SPEAKER_01
You got to be like, I m gone.
5
SPEAKER_01
I m leaving the planet.
5
SPEAKER_00
Someone has posted a screenshot of the post in the group with the caption, nothing gets deleted.
5
SPEAKER_00
So it s basically still there.
5
SPEAKER_00
Now everyone is dunking on her.
5
SPEAKER_00
They re like, it s baby shit to delete a post.
5
SPEAKER_00
It s against the rules.
5
SPEAKER_00
Grow up.
5
SPEAKER_00
And they re also like, this is so mild for things that people complain about in this group.
5
SPEAKER_00
This is a legitimate complaint.
5
SPEAKER_01
You didn t even threaten this person with bodily harm.
5
SPEAKER_00
Why did you delete this?
5
SPEAKER_00
You weren t even like making fun of someone.
5
SPEAKER_00
This is a real, real problem.
5
SPEAKER_00
Do you respond?
5
SPEAKER_01
Oh, yeah, you have to you have to just be like, listen, I popped off.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_01
And that is our right as haters.
5
SPEAKER_01
However,
5
SPEAKER_01
I love my spouse and my family more than I will ever love any of all y all hatin  asses.
5
SPEAKER_01
So goodbye, goodbye.
5
SPEAKER_00
Gloria decides, you know, the internet has a short memory.
5
SPEAKER_00
This will be gone in two days.
5
SPEAKER_01
Oh, okay.
5
SPEAKER_01
No.
5
SPEAKER_00
She s like, whatever.
5
SPEAKER_00
I can be embarrassed.
5
SPEAKER_00
I can be dunked on.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like, I m a hater.
5
SPEAKER_00
I can take it.
5
SPEAKER_00
And in the meantime, they talk to Olive s moms, who are their new potential best friends, and they re like, yeah, we re out of town that weekend.
5
SPEAKER_00
You can totally have our passes.
5
SPEAKER_00
They get the passes they need.
5
SPEAKER_00
They can invite everyone to Emma s birthday party, and it goes perfectly.
5
SPEAKER_00
Emma has the best time.
5
SPEAKER_00
We re almost at the end.
5
SPEAKER_00
How do you feel?
5
SPEAKER_01
I know something is coming, and Gloria should know something is coming.
5
SPEAKER_01
Because, look, you got away with the objective of having a happy birthday, and that s great.
5
SPEAKER_01
And that s perhaps all that matters.
5
SPEAKER_01
However, it s like the reaper still waits.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yes, exactly.
5
SPEAKER_00
Gloria feels a lot of anxiety.
5
SPEAKER_00
A week after Emma s birthday, the moms decide to go on a double date.
5
SPEAKER_01
Oh, no.
5
SPEAKER_00
They go to a Mexican restaurant.
5
SPEAKER_01
Oh, fuck.
5
SPEAKER_00
They re going to pursue the- They get big margaritas.
5
SPEAKER_01
No.
5
SPEAKER_00
They re gabbing.
5
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
5
SPEAKER_00
Gloria is sitting across from the cool mom with the septum piercing.
5
SPEAKER_00
Turns out her name is Phoebe.
5
SPEAKER_00
They re really hitting it off.
5
SPEAKER_00
They re having a great time.
5
SPEAKER_00
But Gloria is haunted by her posts.
5
SPEAKER_01
Just a single bead of sweat coming down her face.
5
SPEAKER_00
Do you confess to your sins?
5
SPEAKER_01
Not on couple date one.
5
SPEAKER_01
No, you can t.
5
SPEAKER_00
They re really vibing, though.
5
SPEAKER_01
They re vibing, but that is so many dinners and margaritas and possible family trips down the road to be like, you know, originally.
5
SPEAKER_01
This is the type of shit where people, even in friend groups, would say, like, you know, I used to hate your ass.
5
SPEAKER_01
You know, like, oh, I couldn t stand you.
5
SPEAKER_01
You can t say that the first time out.
5
SPEAKER_00
I agree with you.
5
SPEAKER_00
Gloria orders them another round.
5
SPEAKER_01
And she s like, Phoebe, this is all coming full circle.
5
SPEAKER_01
The full circle of see kids never have extra drinks in the group of other parents.
5
SPEAKER_00
She has a second drink.
5
SPEAKER_01
She s keep it white wine.
5
SPEAKER_01
Keep it white wine.
5
SPEAKER_01
Keep it social.
5
SPEAKER_00
She s like, Phoebe, I have to tell you something.
5
SPEAKER_00
And Phoebe slurps her little mark.
5
SPEAKER_00
And she leans forward, and she s like, I m a bad mom too.
5
SPEAKER_00
And Gloria is tipsy, and she s nervous.
5
SPEAKER_00
And she s like, did you just call me a bad mom?
5
SPEAKER_00
And Phoebe s like, no, no, no, no, no.
5
SPEAKER_00
A bad mom of scumfinity.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m in the group.
5
SPEAKER_01
She s picking up that vibe on day one.
5
SPEAKER_01
You don t rock a super-duper fly Missy T-shirt and, like, not have a high possibility or propensity for that.
5
SPEAKER_01
You needed to dig deeper there.
5
SPEAKER_00
Gloria is like, dude, I m so sorry.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like, I was just being a hater.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like, I don t know you.
5
SPEAKER_00
She s like, I totally get it if you re mad at me and, like, don t want to associate with me.
5
SPEAKER_00
Like, that s totally fine.
5
SPEAKER_00
But, like, Taylor needs a friendship.
5
SPEAKER_00
So please don t let this affect your relationship with her.
5
SPEAKER_00
And Phoebe is like, oh, I m not mad that you posted.
5
SPEAKER_00
I m mad that you deleted.
5
SPEAKER_01
Oh!
5
SPEAKER_01
Real fucking haters.
5
SPEAKER_01
No.
5
SPEAKER_01
Real fucking haters.
5
SPEAKER_01
Respect the game.
5
SPEAKER_01
That s what this shit was.
5
SPEAKER_01
Phoebe was like, you didn t respect the game.
5
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
5
SPEAKER_00
Phoebe s like, real haters don t delete.
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You let us all down.
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And Gloria s like, God damn it.
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Phoebe s like, you have to stand in that.
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You got to own it.
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And Gloria s like, Taylor made me delete it.
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She s not a hater.
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This is like Phoebe just being like, bringing out the Sarah.
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Ceremonial haters knife and been like did you forget about the pack?
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Yeah Did you forget about your true callings?
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Like I don t care what your I don t care who your first love is.
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I don t care what your family situation your beloved Fuck that you are a hater first until the very last Phoebe s like everybody makes mistakes And Gloria s like you re right.
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Will you forgive me for deleting the post shit-talking you from the haters group and Phoebe s like yeah
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We are now at the end.
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How do you feel?
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Whose side are you on?
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SPEAKER_01
Wow.
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You know, I don t know if I have a side to pick here.
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I do feel like Phoebe, I do feel like Phoebe s a real one.
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Yeah.
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Like this is, see, but this speaks to the difficulty because that is like hitting the exception to the rule.
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When on the first outing you say, oh, you know what, actually I did some ill shit.
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Because I feel like nine times out of 10, that blows up.
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You would think.
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It blows up and it s like, you know, I don t barely know your ass.
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Why would you do that?
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That s weird.
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I feel like Gloria got very lucky in this.
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I also think that this is the beginning of a very beautiful...
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hater friendship.
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Yeah, I feel like you re you were right and that her biggest mistake was like not clocking another hater when she saw her.
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Absolutely.
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Like she should have known.
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Absolutely.
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Um, I do have a couple final updates for you, if you would like to have them.
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Let me hear about the potential beginning of a fourth scumfinity online.
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Oh, I m sure I can only assume I can only assume.
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The first update I have for you is that these couples became such good friends that their daughters are now older and still hang out all the time.
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That s so beautiful.
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They ve finally grown out of funfinity, which is great news for both Phoebe and Gloria.
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They get to just hang out at normal places.
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That s right.
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But only after they had been friends for two years did Phoebe open that silver box of secrets that she too keeps and tell her that they weren t peanut butter cupcakes.
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Olive loved peanut butter because it s her favorite, so the moms just gave her tahini and told the kids it was peanut butter.
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No rules had been broken at all.
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Not to steal a trademark Kelseism, but...
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Wow.
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I love that.
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As someone that often now deals with having to do substitutes for my child s eating, and also, frankly, loves pulling a trick on a child, that s beautiful.
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Isn t that beautiful?
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That s beautiful.
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It s like, you silly child, you don t know.
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You don t know what tahini is.
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You know nothing of tahini.
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I will give you chickpeas and call it gold.
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Justin, thank you so much for coming on the show.
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It was a delight to have you.
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Oh my God, Kelsey, this little podcast of yours, I gotta tell you, this is such a delight.
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I hope that I was a wonderful guest.
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You were a delight.
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And you know, I just want to say, I think you and your team are doing something really magical here.
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Oh my God, thank you.
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This podcast is produced by Alex Sujong Laughlin and Ozzy Linas Goodman.
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Justin Ellis is Defector s Projects Editor.
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Jasper Wang and Sean Kuhn are Defector s Business Guys.
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Tom Ley is our Editor-in-Chief.
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Jay Tolviera is our Associate Producer.
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Abigail Siegel is our intern.
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Dan McQuaid runs our merch store, which you can find at normalgossip.store.
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Tara Jacoby designed our show art.
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Thank you to Jasper Wang, Catherine Hsu, Patrick Redford, Israel Deramola, Ray Rado, Chris Thompson, David Roth, Dave McKenna, and Luis Pais Pumar for your help on this season.
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And thanks to the rest of the Defector staff.
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Defector Media is a collectively owned subscriber-based media company, and Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia.
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I m Kelsey McKinney, and please remember, you did not hear this from me.