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Hi, thanks for listening to the Tony Robbins podcast.
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This is just a quick note about this episode in case you d rather watch and see the video of this conversation, which includes behind the scenes footage with Tony, Sage, and me, Mary B. And that s found at youtube.com backslash Tony Robbins live.
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If you d like to listen, you re in the right place.
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Hello there, everyone.
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It is an absolute privilege and an honor for us to be featuring Tony Robbins on the Tony Robbins podcast.
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Thanks for the invite, ladies.
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Hi, Tony.
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Hi, sweetheart.
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Well, today s session, I m joining for the very beginning again.
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These two ladies are going to take you on the journey, but, you know, it s February and Valentine s Day is coming up right around the time we re filming this.
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or shooting this, I should say.
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And, you know, there s chocolates everywhere and the idea of romance being promoted.
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And a lot of it feels false and saccharine, you know, just artificial.
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It s not authentic.
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I think a lot of people are really jaded about what love is because they ve had love and now they associate pain to love.
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And it s not pain, the love is not the pain, it s the loss of love that people fear.
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And so I thought maybe we could have a little conversation here with me in the beginning and then you guys can take over about what really is love.
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And it s incredibly powerful force to shape us because there s nothing on earth more powerful.
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Nothing will take someone to their knees quicker, I don t care the strongest warrior on earth, man or woman, than the loss of love.
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Nothing lifts you higher than love.
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You re totally in love, what s wrong with life?
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Nothing.
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You don t have any money, you don t have any background, but you ll figure that stuff out because love is that fuel.
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And I think it s so important for people to think about that it is how we re wired.
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Babies that aren t physically loved, that aren t held, don t have kinesthetic love, develop something called failure to thrive syndrome and they can die.
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Love is our evolutionary advantage.
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Many species are born and the parents aren t there.
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an egg that hatches, and so the evolutionary advantage is they ve got horns, or they ve got teeth, or they ve got camouflage.
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But if a human baby s left alone in the forest and no one s there, it s going to die.
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Our evolutionary advantage is that we fall in love, which means we will put someone else s needs ahead of our own.
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And I think that s critical.
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And that doesn t have to just be intimate love, you know, in the form of physical intimacy.
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It can be the love of chosen family.
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It can certainly be the love of family.
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And we ve certainly experienced a whole explosion of that with this modern family we have here.
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And with our daughter, who s just shy of two years old now, it s been an explosion of love, wouldn t you say?
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It certainly has been.
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You re an explosion of love, Tony.
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You are such a lover to all.
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You know, for those of you who ve maybe ever had proximity or went to an event or attended one of our programs, you know, what people always say is that if there s 10,000 people, I felt like Tony was speaking directly to me.
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And they might be like way at the back of the stadium.
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And that s love.
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Love permeates, more accurately, space and time, and it s that intimacy of one offering their heart, and you do that so generously, so abundantly, Tone, every day.
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You know it is who you are, it flows out of you.
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You re such a beautiful vessel of love in a form that s unexpected.
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A lot of people look at you, this big physical stature and not know actually the real tenderness and sincerity that expresses as your isness of who you are as well.
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Well, my mission is to have the people feel loved and cared for.
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Sometimes love is too strong, they don t believe it.
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But when you re up there sweating for 12 straight hours, the third day in, people get converted.
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They start going, this guy really means it.
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But I just got back from the JP Morgan conference.
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And what I was really touched by in that environment was Jamie Dimon, who s the CEO of that bank, JP Morgan,
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The end of his whole talk and the thing that permeated the room was this feeling of kindness and love.
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That s the missing ingredient in our world and even have the bankers say that.
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And then, of course, Mary Callan Erdo, some of you read my books on finance, and she s probably one of the most influential women in all of finance, manages, I don t know, $4 or $5 trillion now in business.
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And you just see she created an environment where everybody felt nurtured, cared for, loved, looked out for.
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But the most successful leaders that I know are heart-driven leaders.
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I mean, what makes you a leader is you care about something more than yourself.
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You care about something
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whether it s your family, your kids, or your community, there s something you love.
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That s where energy comes from.
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That s what changes life.
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So I just, I hope that we all know what love is.
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We all know we can t live without it, but we ve all had disappointments and pain.
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And I hope that those out there will reconsider that love could be something you could open yourself to in the first steps of just kindness and just caring and just warmth and
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and love that s outside an intimate relationship.
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And if you can find that outside the relationship, it can also lead to the intimacy that so many people are craving.
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I know I ve mentioned this before, but it always strikes me how, you know, even men in your life that are dear friends and, uh, just how they re moved by the expression of how you care for them, how you love them.
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It s very demonstrative.
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Uh, that happens on stage that happens at home.
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Uh, you are that, uh, you are that, and you know,
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It s been 24 years since I hooked up with you, my weirdo.
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My wife is the weirdest human I love, by the way.
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Weird wasn t on my list, but it s one of the great gifts.
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But the weirdness is touched with humor and love.
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Everything you do is love.
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You re the love to so many people.
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You re the love to this whole family.
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You re the love
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to all the people in our companies.
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I mean, you just, you exude it in every way, sweetheart.
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And that s why I m so excited that you guys have kind of commandeered the podcast here, because so few people get to know what I get to know, which is you and Mary together, is just the love that you are and what all the gifts you guys have to share, the insights you have to share.
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And so I m grateful to drop into the Tony Robbins podcast with you.
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But what I love is what comes out between the two of you, because unless people are part of our platinum partnership or things like that, where they all get to know you very well and you teach with me, a lot of people don t get to see that.
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So I m grateful that people get your perspective.
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I want to hear your perspective on what is love and what drives love from your perspective.
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You know, coming into this conversation, Mary and I were talking and I was saying that I really look at love as an inside-out experience.
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And I think that sometimes that s, not that it can t come external in as well, it flows both ways, like all of life, there s an ebb and flow like an ocean.
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But I think sometimes it s imbalanced in our society of the expectation that love would be coming from the outside, rather than
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I am a love.
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I am love.
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I don t mean I, me.
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I mean, we are born as love.
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I think that is the most clear takeaway, being parents at this stage and watching our daughter and watching this essence just flow out of her, as her.
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There s no doing in that.
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There s no thought in that.
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It emanates, it resonates.
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uh love that essence and watching her uh just shine i think is so extraordinary and reminds me of the fact that it it is inside of us it s in every one of us it s our nature when we get out of our own human way or we you know drop the conditionings or the impressions that uh wired us in in a way that um you know innocently makes us expect that i want
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You know, I want love and if you love me, you know, you ll do this.
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We innocently can put all these demands on love, which of course, you know, creates a restriction and doesn t allow love to flow.
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And so I think the intent of this or what we were speaking on Mary and I walking into this was just that love is indeed everywhere.
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And coming into this month of, you know, where are we?
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Valentine s Day.
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February.
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And it s beautiful because it s focused on romantic love.
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But if you look at how we live our life and the beauty of our life, and we love each other so deeply and dearly, I think what s gorgeous about it is that it s more beautiful because of this extraordinary extended family that we have, Mary being one of them.
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You ve brought more beauty to our life because of the sharing and it magnifies life.
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Having our daughter magnified love.
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And I think that s the beautiful gift that when we re walking this human experience, and maybe you are, if you re, you know, listening to this right now, you re, you know, mine can have this narrative.
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Yeah, but I want the one.
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And I think sometimes we can miss the love that s in front of us when we re wanting that or expecting that or desiring it.
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Not to say that you can t have that desire to fall in love, but love just a lot of times looks different.
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This constellation looks different than I ever imagined.
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The sharing in the experience of being a parent, and I think sharing is a basis of love as well.
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No question about it.
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But yet as we share,
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it, it grows, it grows.
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And, and, and we re in a culture these days where it s mine, you know, it s, it s mine.
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There s this gathering for oneself and, and it s so beautiful to share in the gifts that, you know, God has blessed us with.
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And the biggest mistake I think with love is thinking that love is something you go get, or a relationship is where you go get love, when I think a relationship is where you go to give love.
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We all have practiced that.
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That s why there s more, there s never less for anybody.
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And I think the ultimate test in a relationship, whether it be a deep friendship or anything else, is what are you willing to give for this?
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When you re in love with somebody, you give anything.
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You re lit up by what you give.
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You re not saying, what am I getting?
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The minute you start measuring what are you getting,
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Now it s a trade.
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It s a horse trade.
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It isn t love anymore.
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It s an exchange.
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There s nothing wrong with an exchange.
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You can do that in business.
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But even the most successful business people that I know, they love their clients.
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They fall in love with their client, not their product or service.
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Or another way of looking at it is seeing our daughter who, you know, we want to make sure she understood sign language before she could speak.
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So a lot of frustrations with children is they re trying to communicate, but no one understands.
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So now she speaks obviously putting a lot of words together, but she ll go to like her music class or something and you guys know She sits there rubs her heart, which means, you know, please then she ll say please put her hands She wants to hug everybody gets like smack on her side get away from me doesn t stop her She keeps coming like a love bug.
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Why is that?
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Cuz that s all she s seen.
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Yes.
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Oh
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All she sees is us.
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Everybody hugs, kisses, loves, acknowledges.
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And love is also how you express it.
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A relationship is often the sum of communications you have.
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You know, Dr. Gottman, who s probably the greatest expert in the world on intimate relationship love in terms of sustainability, he has a 91% success rate in watching a couple talk for 15 minutes and saying whether or not they ll be divorced within five years.
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And the reason is there are certain ways of communicating that turn people off.
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When you roll your eyes to your partner, when you, you know, you re non-responsive, you look somewhere else when they re communicating to you, when you, you know, aren t telling your partner what to do, when you re trying to control them, there s certain issues that just kill the experience of love.
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No one wants to be controlled.
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But I think the way to look at the love in your life is to say, how can I expand at the most basic level the caring and kindness I have for the people around me?
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I know that some studies have done with kids that are very violent.
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And there was a group in Texas that I worked with years ago, probably 25 years ago, and it was in this high school.
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And they got these kids to care for animals.
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and they learned to care and love an animal, and then it started transferring to humans.
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Maybe you don t have what you want yet, or you re in a relationship that doesn t feel like there s a lot of intimacy or closeness.
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Maybe it s time to get closer to some of your friends and build the muscle up, so to speak.
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You know, honey, you re unbelievable at self-love.
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I think it s because of your connection to God and your way of looking at life.
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But you, like you give yourself a kiss, you say, bless me, not excuse me when you sneeze.
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But it s true, but it s so innocent and so true.
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There s no ego to it.
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It s not about you.
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She ll walk into a wall and then be like, Oh, I m sorry.
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She says, I m sorry to her body and kisses it and so forth.
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Now, I m not made that way, but I want to hear your, and I think it d be great to hear the share of your view of self-love because it has a negative frame for a lot of people.
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And other people say, well, I can t love others because I don t love myself.
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I don t know.
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I don t know if that s that absolute.
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Where do you, where does your self-love come from?
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And I mean that in the highest regard, because it s one of the things that inspires me and Mary, does it not?
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Absolutely.
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You know, it s just, it s beautiful because it s so pure.
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It s not, it s not, there s no affectation to it.
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It s not positioning.
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It s just total, total, sincere love towards your own body and spirit.
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There s a kindness to yourself that most people don t have for themselves.
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Without that tinge that is in media today of like, I just need to love myself.
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Yeah, no, I m not talking about that crap.
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Oh my gosh.
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There s no, that s what I m saying.
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It s no positioning.
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It s no virtue signaling.
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It s just really real.
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Well, I m asking myself as I m listening to you guys talking right now, I think I really have the lens or the filter that life is a miracle.
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And I feel that our bodies, the fact that I m alive blows my mind.
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Uh, and I know that sounds crazy.
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24 years?
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I m serious.
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Dragging you around the planet?
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And I don t know if it s because, you know, we ve had different health challenges and so forth come to the surface that all of a sudden has a lens that I feel even more preciousness or an awakeness to the miracle of life.
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But I really have a sense like, wow, this body of mine, like it
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It serves me so well.
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It supports me every day.
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That makes me grateful.
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It makes me want to take care of her.
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And by the way, I did not always have that filter.
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I did not always have that lens.
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I think it happened or the shift happened coming into my early 40s.
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I ve always been an extender.
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I ve always been a love and looking after, supporting people in my life.
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But I missed myself for so many years.
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That s the truth, Tom.
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I can t say I ve always been this way.
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I think it s evolved through life, through pain, through having challenges with my health, and recognizing that, oh my gosh, I would do this for anybody.
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A beloved friend of mine, my mama, our child, you, anything.
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And yet, why wouldn t I offer that to myself?
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And I, if I, as I m, as I m, you know, just observing my own thoughts, I think that really came from at a stage of, you know, my health being compromised and experiencing the physicality of that, the reality of that.
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And it really woke me up.
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It woke me up that holy flip, this life, this moment, this body is a gift.
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And, uh, I fell in love with serving her.
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I know that sounds crazy, but like, I ll get out of the shower and I ll be like, Oh,
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all right sweetheart here we go you know and and i ll i ll think about it and i many times i ll walk down the stairs and it s like okay you know how can i bless myself and so i ll ask myself and then it s like how can i bless myself and it s like oh you know what a lemon water or it ll make me tune in or causes me to tune in and recognize that gosh you know i haven t drank a water recently or
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you know I m hungry or do you know what I ll just step outside for a minute because it feels good even if I m going into a meeting even if I have a call.
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Mary you did it so beautifully today you were like you know I actually thought it was so lovely you were you were like you know I m feeling chilled I just want to go outside and stand on the seawall for two minutes and come back in here and then we ll get ready for the recording.
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Yeah be on the right stage.
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But I loved that for you.
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I recognized that act for yourself.
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It was being true to yourself.
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And then when we do that, we have more to give.
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I remember, I m going to tell this story just because it s coming through me right now.
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I remember when we were going to Abu Dhabi and I m creating a context of this because another way I think to support ourselves is being sincere and true about maybe a yes or a no for ourselves.
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And we were going there for our Platinum Partnership event and I think it was maybe like the day before we were landing and you were invited to go to dinner.
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With the Crown Prince, yeah.
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And, and, you know, I, I started to feel stress and I was like, why am I feeling stress?
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Cause the truth was, it felt insincere for me, for my body and my being, if I was landing on the time zone to go to this dinner.
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And so, you know, before, if I was to say no.
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it would have come out clunky.
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Maybe I would have said no if I was frustrated.
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I would have said no if I was angry.
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But, you know, in that moment, I recognized that, honey, I love you.
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This feels insincere for me.
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If it s meaningful for you, I ll go.
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But if it s not, it would be really meaningful for me to stay home.
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So, of course, I canceled the meeting with the crown prince by calling his people and they said, you really don t want to do this because it would be seen as a slight in our culture.
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And that was certainly not where we re coming from.
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So Mary accompanied me and we went to the dinner.
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Luckily Tone has a JVB team, beloved.
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And I was like, well, I ll go.
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I slept on the plane.
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And I thought it was so beautiful, Mary, because I remember I took joy because you were like, what on God s green earth am I going to wear?
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And you know, we re entering that culture.
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And so, you know, I had a beautiful wrap.
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And so, Mary, you wore it like, you know, you were honoring a ward almost as like as a burka.
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And you borrowed one of my skirts.
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And I had so much fun dressing you up.
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And I thought you look so stunning and so beautiful.
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Do you remember that moment?
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I do.
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I sent the picture to my mom.
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She said, you look like a nun.
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Not what we re going for, but.
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But the point is your sincerity in that, you know, I mean, we just want to support you.
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And then you said, no, you got to do what s right in this situation.
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I was like, OK, but you find the way.
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I really appreciate you making that honoring.
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I think.
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loving yourself as simply as doing those little things that you would do for someone you love.
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They re kind things, they re gentle things, they re conscious things.
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It s like creating room for them or like me not wanting you to have to go through that.
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So all right, I ll cancel the meeting, you know, it doesn t matter who it is.
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But then it s you at the same time saying, no, this is what s best.
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And both of us operating from a frame of not what, we re not trying to get what we want.
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we re trying to serve the other.
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Yes.
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That s what love is.
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That s what you do with your child.
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That s what you do with your dearest friends.
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And that s what you would hopefully do with your intimates.
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So what gets in the way of that is not that you don t just love yourself.
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Cause quite frankly, you know, I would say for a good portion of my life, I wouldn t say I didn t love myself, but it certainly didn t flow at the level it does for you.
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You ve been a role model for me on that.
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Now it s different today, you know, at,
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about to be 63 years old, I ve hit a sweet spot at some point.
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But the reason I bring this up is if you re hard on yourself, being hard on yourself separates you from love.
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And so I ve had to learn.
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I used to beat myself up.
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I hadn t done enough, created enough for you, for the family, for anybody, for anything.
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And what I ve learned the last few years is when I beat myself up, it separates me.
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I m not present for you.
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I m not present for the family.
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So I really don t do it anymore, but it was a lifelong habit.
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But I also want people to know that if it s hard for you to quote love yourself, you can be kind to yourself.
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You can do some simple things for yourself you do for others.
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And if your wiring is I got to do something of value, then do something of value.
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I want people to know it can be more than you can imagine, but you have to
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not just love yourself, you have to get outside of yourself.
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You ve got to find something to serve you care about more than yourself.
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That s when your fears and your angers and your frustrations disappear, is when you re serving.
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As long as we re in our own self, it s just the nature of the mind is to dissect, break things down, find out what s not right, what s not good enough.
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So you can leave that by service,
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And you can also still be service of yourself.
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And then the other thing I just want to mention is what kills love more than anything else, or at least intimacy, for sure, is the law of familiarity.
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The law of familiarity says that if you re around anything enough, you tend to just take it a little bit for granted.
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You know, somebody gets a brand new car and they re a young kid or you re a young professional and that car represented some hard work you did forever, had some image for you or some identity for you.
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Bless you, honey.
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And then you get in the car and it s amazing.
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And then one day there s a scratch and you re like, oh my God, I can t believe somebody scratched my car.
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And then, you know, next day it s scratch.
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And after about six weeks and you got four or five scratches, it s a car, you know?
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And unfortunately that s how people treat their relationship.
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They get used to it.
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The things in the beginning you would never say to your partner, you wouldn t say to a stranger, you say to your partner because it s safe and it s not kind.
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So I think we all have to constantly, you and I do this, all three of us do this, we know that our
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Love is a accumulation of our communication.
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And we talk about how much we love each other time.
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I say, how did I get so lucky to get you?
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How did I get so lucky to have this extraordinary family?
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How did we get lucky to have our daughter?
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It s those conversations that are sincere, that are ongoing with yourself, as well as your partner or with your friends that make it happen.
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But the love familiarity is natural, unfortunately.
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So is gravity.
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But if you let gravity, you ll be on the ground.
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You have to push against it.
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And I think what a lot of couples and a lot of friends even need to do is reawaken the newness in their relationship.
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And that s just by getting curious again, and again, by being less judgmental.
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I always say to people, you know, people say, how do you have this ability to influence people?
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Or parents will come to me sometimes and say, say this to my kid.
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Well, why don t you want me to say it?
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And you re not going to say it.
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Well, because I ll listen to you.
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But it s not that.
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It s that I don t judge anybody.
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I know we re all here at Earth School.
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I know we re all figuring it out.
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I know people make giant mistakes.
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I know most people have done or said something at some point they wish they never have.
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And our culture is totally unforgiving of that now.
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But reality is that s humans.
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And so you re not going to consistently influence somebody for a greater good while you re judging them.
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But if you re loving them and they can feel that, that can get through almost any barrier.
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And that s how we ve been on the suicide interventions, the people so stuck that there s no way you re going to get through them.
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But we get through them, and I get through them as well, by truly loving them.
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And if you do that not once, not conveniently, not as a technique,
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If you do that enough, you can get through to anybody.
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There is no force greater on earth and there s no more attracting force to your life.
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All the beautiful people in our life, honey, that we consider chosen family are attracted because we love them unconditionally and they love us unconditionally.
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And it s like, it s a virtuous cycle that everyone deserves to have, but it requires you getting out of the conditioning of trying to protect yourself.
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And it requires to be vulnerable.
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It requires you to give up the negativity that you have just because you re afraid of being disappointed.
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Yes.
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And the jadedness.
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As long as you keep that jadedness, it might look cool or act cool, but it s going to leave you empty.
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And as you re speaking, Tone, just thinking as well, the curiosity to, you know, who is this beautiful universe going to bring into my life today?
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Because you really never know.
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I mean, I just wanted to share as well a gesture of such love, such kindness, such creativity that blew me away, Tone, that I never considered or thought of.
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When Mary was carrying our daughter and she was pregnant, maybe you were about seven or eight months, I think, and you came to me and you were like, you know what, like this woman, our daughter wouldn t be here if it wasn t for you, Mary.
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And I really think we should see if we could legally apply for adoption so that you could be an adoptive parent.
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And I remember going to bed that night and thinking, like, that wouldn t have even occurred to me.
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And I thought it was so gracious.
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I thought it was so creative.
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I thought it was so kind.
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I thought it was so considerate.
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You walked in your shoes, and I m only sharing this story right now because, you know, love can look so different and so much more beautiful than the narrative or the expectation of the story that we might have of something that we want to get.
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And then here life blesses us with this unexpected, unbelievably, like, just beautiful gift that I ll speak for myself, you blessed my life with, to be a mom.
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And you know, I don t know what the word is, but the magnanimous, I don t know if that s the word, but that magnanimous gesture tone of you walking in Mary s shoes at that time and seeing that, you know, you weren t only birthing our daughter, you were birthing being a mother.
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You know, and that was birthing as you, you could see it.
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It was so gorgeous to watch you at that stage and to watch, you know, all these different pieces and parts of yourself.
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You know, life is always reconfiguring within us and every experience, you know, I really believe is calling us to be more of our true nature or recognizing our whole self.
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And I watched pregnancy.
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Is that for you?
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But I wouldn t have thought of that.
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I think of that many times.
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But honey, you re selling yourself short.
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I wouldn t even bring it to you.
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But no, but it didn t occur to me.
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but I wouldn t have brought it to you if it wasn t your nature already.
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I just, I knew that I wanted to make sure everything happened to us, that Mary knew since she d brought this child on that she s mom too.
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And then I thought about, you know, I don t want her to feel like, oh, I worked, now what happens?
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This family separates and now I have no play in this child s life that she gave us the gift of sharing together.
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But I couldn t have done that if you didn t have the soul that you have that made me know that you and I are made of the same stuff, that you step in people s shoes all the time.
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And by doing that, but, but my favorite part of that whole experience besides you, Mary, knowing for sure that you have unconditional love and that she s your baby as well, was when we went to the judge, cause this was kind of a breakthrough in Florida and said, we want to apply for, you know, the third parent to the three of us together.
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And the judge normally, Mary, do you mind telling that story?
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I think it d be beautiful from your lens.
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She says, no, we re going to get this.
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through, but they made it clear.
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They don t say during the session today, they tell you a couple of weeks later, they re not going to give you an answer today.
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But why don t you share that?
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I think that s a great idea.
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Our little one s in the window right now, just waving.
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Hi, sweetheart.
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Hi, baby.
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Sorry.
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Well, no, it s perfect, right on time out there.
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So we had, you know, we went through the legal paperwork and things for the application process.
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And this was all during COVID.
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So they when we got
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a court date, they said it was going to be through Zoom.
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They came to the psych evaluation, all of us, and I was worried my wife was going to pass or not with the weirdness going on.
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You were too.
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I was too.
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Mary and Tony were preparing me.
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Don t say anything too weird.
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And so, we had this Zoom with the judge and we re all lined up like little ducklings on the couch, putting our best foot forward, and we ve got our baby on our lap and we re Zooming with the judge.
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And we re practicing, you know, okay, we say, Your Honor, and this is what we re applying for.
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And someone who had set up our Zoom, you know how the little name is on the bottom of your screen, and someone had set it up that said, Robyn s Family Zoom.
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So it was the three of us and baby.
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And I remember the judge, almost within the first 60 seconds of her coming on, she said, look at this.
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She stared at us.
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There was a moment where she looked up and stared at us, and we re all there on the couch, and we re feeling pretty full of emotion, and this is a key moment.
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Go, Tony.
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And then when she s done, what d she say?
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Well, she said, I m looking at this family right now, and I can see that you guys are a family.
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And so before we even had, she even pressed us on the questions that our lawyer told us.
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She ll ask you this, she ll ask you that.
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She could ask you anything, and I m sweating bullets.
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Like, what is she going to ask us?
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And she felt it.
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She felt the love.
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I guess that s probably the point, is that you could feel the love.
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The family was exuding that love.
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It wasn t about some right or wrong answer that we could give at that point.
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the energy of what she saw in front of her.
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She said, I feel a level of love here that I d rarely see in my life.
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And she said, so I just want you to know, well, we can discuss all the details, but we re not going to wait.
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I m going to tell you right now, you guys are clearly a family.
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All we re doing is making it official for you right now.
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It was quite a celebratory day.
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But again, it s the experience of love that s unmistakable when it s authentic and real.
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And what Sage said, Tone, is like your creativity and caring, my favorite riffs that you ever have when you re teaching is those ones on like, it s not about money, it s creativity and caring.
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Your ability to give and your contributions and your love, it all comes back to creativity and caring.
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I don t know that for me has been the lesson of everything you ve ever taught me that it s like even in all different kinds of love so even like when I m writing a little note to my mom it s like how can I be more creative with this and how can I really get through so it s not just you know you re if you like if you re unmarried like me or if
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it s not about that kind of love.
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Any, now any dealing I have, if I m writing to a brother or sister, an old friend, it s like, I m always saying to myself, like creativity and caring, how can they feel my love through?
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And it s the essence of what you teach everywhere.
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Like get creative, get resourceful, walk in their shoes, meet them where they are, what would light them up?
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When people think of lifestyle, they think of things when lifestyle is all relationships.
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But as you said, it s not like, Oh, we can
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You have the money to do something.
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It s not that.
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It s thinking about how do we do it in a way that produces surprise or awe or feeling overwhelmingly appreciated or enjoyed.
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It s like I live to create those moments for our clients, for our friends, for our chosen family, for each other.
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And nothing gives you more joy.
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I mean, in life, what gives us the lasting joy?
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Not the temporary energy of excitement.
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It s almost always something that where you grew, where inside you, you face something difficult, you grew.
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And then because you grew, there s an insight, there s a feeling, there s emotion, there s a greater strength, there s a greater capacity to care.
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And now you re able to share something.
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Like whenever we have something beautiful happens in our life, the first thing you want to do is share with somebody you love.
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Because it magnifies it.
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That s what relationship is.
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It s the magnifier of human notions.
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So if you re both really messed up in a really terrible place, you ll magnify the negative.
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But if you re coming from just a warm, loving, kind, as simple as those words are, place, it opens the door for a deeper level of love for anyone.
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It does and I love Tony that you just said about growth as well because if I think of this constellation and every day as a parent and as I observe you know both of you parent as I observe you mothering, as I observe you fathering, as I observe this little lady in our life and sometimes I ll watch you and I think like
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gosh I would never do that as a mom and you know when we are dropping and we are willing to get out of our human self and we drop our judgments and we just observe this beautiful love in life that you know we are blessed with here now wherever you are listening to this you know it s just it s it s a miracle
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and it s a gift to share it with you too right now.
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But I do just want to say that I feel like I m a better human being because and I ve been stretched that whole process is certainly as much as it s been a blessing there s been moments where it s been a stretch all the different pieces of you caring you know our daughter and then you know mind coming through will she bond to me will she want to go to me you ll be breastfeeding like
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all these human, even if you, you know, love is so blessed and life is so abundant, we all have those thoughts to transcend because they are just a thought.
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When I believed them, I really suffered.
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You know, I doubted myself for all the feelings of not enoughness.
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So you say beating yourself up, that can be part of this human experience.
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And I think a gift of love is taking responsibility for our inner stuff, our inner discord and rising above that noise so that we can notice
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and recognize something different.
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And I m amazed and humbled every day at just the beautiful, ordinary, simple moments.
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And people are always surprised when they come see us and everything else.
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They expect us to be like giant partiers.
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I don t know what they expect.
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But we re homebodies.
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Those are the littlest things in life that we appreciate.
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We d certainly
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You have the privilege of playing on a global scale and interacting with extraordinary human beings of every type you can imagine.
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But it s those small, intimate moments that make life lasting.
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And every study on happiness, and everybody wants to be happy, right?
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Or some version of that, they want a life that s meaningful.
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All of those show that the number one factor above all else is the quality of relationships.
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The quality of relationships is the quality of your life.
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But in order to have that, I think we ve got to
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certainly be kinder to ourself, and you want to be the kind of person that you would love.
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Like I work hard to be the person, I have a hard time even saying it, you have no difficulty with it, I love myself.
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But I appreciate this man I ve become with God s guidance and my focus and effort and a lot of grace.
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But it s,
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I can look at my life and I can be proud of who I am as a human, no matter what anybody else knows.
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I know inside the journey that I ve gone on, the people I ve gotten to serve, the conversations I ve had, the, the, the experiences of transformation within myself and within my businesses and with my friends and family and strangers.
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And so the accumulation of all that also, for those of you who think you re difficult to yourself, I don t know, some of it may come with accumulation of years too.
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I don t know.
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It s not a guarantee.
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Accumulation of years doesn t guarantee happiness.
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But I think there s a place for those of us who ve been wired for contribution, wired for achievement, where there s a point where you finally have to plant a flag and say, OK, we ve won this thing.
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But I think the real, I want to leave you guys here before I turn it over to you with just,
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thinking about holding yourself to a standard.
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I think the quality, the best relationship is somebody that you want to be more for than you even for yourself.
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I think, I don t think that s a bad thing.
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I think one of the beautiful things about human beings is that we ll do more for others we care about than we will for ourselves.
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I think that s, that s the humanity in humans.
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You know, that s the beauty and the best part of us.
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And so you gotta be worthy of that.
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And one way to do that is kind of set a standard for yourself.
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It s like in life or in business, what you don t measure doesn t get better, right?
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If you re gonna make a business happen, it s no management if there s no measurement.
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So one of the things that I measure is I ask myself consciously over the years, and now it s pretty much automatic for me, but what level of love is this?
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And so I look at love as like four dimensions.
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I look at it as the first dimension is like baby love.
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And when I say that, I don t mean the love that you have for your baby, I mean a person
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whose standards are the love of baby.
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Because the babies, if I said, are babies loving?
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We all go, yes.
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And especially with our daughter, we feel that completely.
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No question about it.
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She s right over there peering through the glass right now being so good.
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But it s the truth is they re only loving and happy when they re getting what they want.
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That s because that s the stage of development.
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It s about me, me, me, as it should be at that stage of development.
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But some people are 50 and they re still doing baby love.
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They re angry if you don t give me everything I want.
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Those relationships, if they last, they don t last very long.
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They might last in years, but they don t last in love.
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Because nobody wants to be in a place where you re always trying to get something from me.
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As I said earlier, you want a place to give.
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The second level of love is you could say, where am I playing right now in my relationship or my friendship or in my business even with the people around me?
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Am I demanding love or demanding attention, demanding everything?
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That s baby love.
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Then there s horse trading, that d be level two, second dimension, two dimensional love.
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And that s where, okay, I m doing all this for you.
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And, but even if I don t admit it to myself, there s conscious trading, like I m doing this so that you ll give me something.
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And there s unconscious horse trading.
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That s the person who gives, gives, gives until one day they get so mad because someone isn t giving back.
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So they ve always been horse trading and horse trading is not love.
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Yes.
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It s a transaction, as I said earlier.
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And a transaction might be fine, but even in business, transactions don t create raving fans.
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And I ve been both of those, by the way.
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I was going to say, I ve been a horse trader.
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I ve been selfish.
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We ve all been all perspectives as you re listening to this and thinking, oh my gosh, I ve been really stuck in that.
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We ve all been stuck there at times.
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That s the gift, you know, as we re evolving.
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That s right.
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But if you can be aware of it, you can get yourself out of it.
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Awareness by itself can start to break the pattern.
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So I m bringing it forward to you.
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And then there s the third dimension of love, three-dimensional love, which is truly unconditional love, which is you love because it s who you are.
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The biggest mistake you see in relationships is some people think they re going to punish their partner because if they compliment them too much or they re too nice to them, they won t have control over them.
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I mean, again, control and love don t go together.
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But when you withhold love, the person you always hurt is yourself.
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So very often you said earlier about expressing love, you might express love to this person and they never give it back to you, but it comes back all around you in the other places because it becomes who you are.
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And other people whose hearts are open or beginning to open will respond to you.
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And then the fourth level of love is loving someone even is hurting you.
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Now, that doesn t mean you stay in a relationship like that with someone who s hurting you, but it means that you don t let them harm you.
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You don t stay in the environment, but you don t hate them.
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You know, we know the Dalai Lama quite well, and I spent some wonderful time with him, and he s such a beautiful soul with his humor and his laughter and his kindness.
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But, I mean, imagine someone taking your heritage, taking your country,
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and also, you know, trying to kill you.
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And he still prays for the soldiers, not like, Oh, I m so much better than they are.
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Like he does.
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He does.
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He wants to be free of guilt, the guilt.
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He wants them to have joy in their hearts.
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Mother Teresa certainly did that.
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Nelson Mandela, one of the greatest human beings I ve ever had the privilege of meeting, to be able to take the people to imprisonment for a quarter of a century.
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and try to enter their world, enter their shoes.
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And what are they thinking?
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What are they feeling?
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We have a chance to touch people.
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I just got back from my aunt s funeral, and I m
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I just, every person I got up to speak, I was just, I was so struck by what we all know, but we forget.
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It s like the littlest things we do touch other people, the littlest kindness, the littlest caring, the little bit of laughter, the little bit of focus and attention.
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And I just think in this month of Valentine s, maybe expand beyond Valentine s and say, where am I playing in my relationships?
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Level one, two, three, or four, not beat yourself up, but if it s one or two, it s time to step up.
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And that takes a little courage.
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It takes a little vulnerability.
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It takes some faith.
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But we re not all Mother Teresa, we re not all Nelson Mandela, but we all have the capacity.
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And we re not all do it all the time.
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But the more you go to places like that, the easier it is just to be unconditional and loving.
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And like I said before, I don t know of a stronger force on earth to attract people to you in life, in family, in business, than to feel that there is a sincere
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putting of them first.
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In the financial world, the concept of being in a position where you re a fiduciary, big F word.
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And what it really means is you put the needs of that person ahead of your own.
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And the law requires someone who s a fiduciary to actually do that.
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Well, what if your law of life was to be a fiduciary for the people around you, to be the person that looks out for their best interests first?
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And you don t have to worry about your own, because if you really do do that, your life is filled with so much love and so much friendship.
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And from that, so much opportunity and so much meaning.
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that whatever was your biggest goal of your life before will look like a cartoon compared to the quality of life you ll create.
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So I encourage people to measure, not measure with harshness, but just practicality and say, how am I playing right now?
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And if I m not there, and by the way, it can change moment to moment.
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And I ve been one and I ve been two as well, but I pride myself in keeping the three and four as much as possible.
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The more you do it, the more it becomes your identity.
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The more it becomes your identity, the more it just happens naturally.
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It s not hard, it s just some new habits.
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Habits of kindness, habits of warmth, habits of putting yourself in the other person s shoes, and habits of honoring yourself as well in the process.
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The combination of that can be a revolution in somebody s life, in my experience.
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Thank you, honey.
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I couldn t help it when you re talking about level four, that, you know, for those of you who may be transitioning in a relationship, because I think that s a great opportunity to practice this.
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A lot of times we think that, you know, during a divorce or separation, that it s like, you know, oh, there s no love there, or it s a loveless marriage.
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And yet, maybe it s an opportunity in those moments for more love, not less, to lean into it.
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And even if you decide, and gosh, you know what, I choose not to spend the rest of my life with this individual.
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It s true for me and for us to go a different way.
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finding those threads of common ground, looking for ways to be kind.
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You d shared a big part of your life.
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It doesn t have to be so painful.
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It doesn t have to be so clunky.
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We really can do it consciously and kindly.
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And if you didn t, and if you haven t, 20 years later,
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We have the opportunity, I think, to tidy it up.
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Yeah, for sure.
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And that s the gift of grace.
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That s the gift of compassion.
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That s the gift of mercy.
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And that s the gift of this human experience is that we ve all been blind.
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We ve all been unconscious.
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And so, you know, and we all have an opportunity to realign and to tune and to offer what s more sincere here now.
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I couldn t agree more.
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I love you to human beings.
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I m going to turn you back over to this family of mine that I love so much and let you have just their perspective.
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Um, and, um, I know that most of you, if you re listening to this right now are still listening and haven t turned us off and go, Oh, this is a bunch of BS syrupy stuff.
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Then some part of your soul knows it to be true.
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So don t have to make it a big deal.
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It s those little steps that start to link together into new habits.
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And then that shapes.
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It brings you back to your true character.
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I think the character we all have before we get conditioned by fear and pain and loss and disappointment and all the things that are just a part of the natural experience.
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And I just say, also, it s like, what is love?
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The biggest way to have more love is to focus on what you appreciate and give up your expectations.
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I always say, you know, the fastest way to change your life is trade your expectations, you know, for your appreciation.
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And there s always some appreciation.
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When you do that, your whole world changes.
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And that s really the theme, I think, of what we re talking about here.
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It is.
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I also want to maybe just acknowledge you and thank you.
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And thank you for those that are tuning in and listening for sharing the Tony Robbins podcast.
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It extends to this family.
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And this wouldn t be happening.
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Mary, it was your vision.
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You know, you ve created it.
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You ve, you know, it s been your inspiration and you just keep
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bringing these beautiful notions and topics of conversation and I just want to say thank you because your whole passion was the world deserves to know different faces of love and I can t thank you enough for you know having the vision of this and the inspiration of this and you ve worked so hard on this whole project and Tone thank you for sharing the Tony Robbins podcast
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We love you Mary B. Love you dearly Mary B. I got a front row seat to this love and it s too beautiful to not share it, not put it out there.
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Well, it s because of you that it is.
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And for those of you who tune in, thank you for being so cool and awesome and willing to share.
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uh, you know, just in a, in, in have this family be expanded and have our share our inner world with you.
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So thank you for your love of offering your heart and spending the time with us today.
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Okay, guys, I ve got to go to my scheduled meetings that are behind, but I m so grateful you invited me to partake in this, and I m going to turn you out, our family and our extended audience out listening in to these two beautiful souls right here that I love so, so much.
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They re going to take over from here.
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Thank you, guys.
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Thank you, Tone.
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You re always welcome here at the Tony Robbins Podcast.
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Mary, I love that this topic has come up for us and that we decided to have a conversation, you know, with Valentine s Day and the focus on romantic love, which is an aspect of love.
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But as we all know, it is certainly is much more broad and
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beautiful than that love alone.
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You know, I think sometimes in society or in life, we have the perception that love is coming from outside of ourselves.
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And and with that, innocently, we as humans place demands or expectations because it s something that we want to get.
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I want love.
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I want you to love me.
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I want to find the love of my life.
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I want a mate.
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I, I, I want, I want.
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And that perception or filter or lens of love is deducting because it s something that number one, we don t have control of from the love of the outside.
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But truthfully, the love that we experience from my own experience is the love that we are.
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And I think that s the most beautiful awareness or reality is recognizing that our nature is love.
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you, that reminds me of how at, um, some seminars or relationship seminar, date with destiny seminar.
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Oftentimes, Tony, you guys have an exercise where you ll ask the audience to make a list and say, write down all the things, think of your ideal relationship.
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Think of your ideal partner, make a list of everything you d like them to be.
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What do they look like?
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What do they act like?
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What s their sense of humor?
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Like what, everything.
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What s their favorite book?
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And people come up with these long lists.
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And then Tony will say, OK, now make a list of the love that you would have to be to attract that person that you just described.
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And we often have a little laugh because people s lists of how they would have to be as love is often a lot shorter than the list that the other would have to give.
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So in our media, social media or the lens of the world, love, the word itself has been so distorted.
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You know, the word itself has been so diluted or deducted and that a lot of people innocently don t even believe in the reality that they are love or that love is possible.
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You know, love is, gosh, what s that prayer?
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Love is gentle and kind.
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Those two attributes are so missed.
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You know, love is gentle.
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It is kind.
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It s it s inclusive.
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It s accepting.
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There s an allowance.
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You know, gosh, having, you know, our daughter and having a little one at this stage and, you know, gosh, she s just 20 months.
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And it s so remarkable to me that whether you, you know, she pees on you, throws up on you or every other bodily function that transpires, you know, there s just this,
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this enjoyment, this appreciation, this adoration of the experience of the innocence and the purity.
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And I think through the filter, maybe through the, you know, I don t know, these movies or these ideal, you know, or different cartoons that portray this, you know, maybe princess and prince and, you know, this individual is going to come and, you know, save you.
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There s a miss of,
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the beautiful, awesome reality of how we are created.
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And when we connect to that, when we tune into that, when we tap into that reality, um, it s so beautiful because then we just get to extend that.
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We get to share that, um, rather than unconditionally rather than expect that.
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And for those of you who are listening, maybe you think like, that s not true.
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That s not my experience.
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Just look to where.
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Just find that truth if you can.
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Maybe it isn t with your partner, but maybe it s with a really dear friend that it s like, I freaking love this person.
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There s nothing that they could do.
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You know, it s just that unconditional love and acceptance.
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Maybe it s with your child.
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Maybe it s with your grandmother or your pet, your dog.
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I know that sounds crazy, but I have felt that way and you have made me feel that way before.
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And I don t know that this is too much of a stretch, but just to give you an example, a long time ago, almost about 10 years ago.
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I don t know what story this is going to be, so that s fine.
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Well, I mean, we re different people as anyone listening is.
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You re a different person now than you were 10 years ago.
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I mean, I m foreshadowing to try to have some caveats about the story I m going to tell.
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I had not gotten sober yet, I was still drinking.
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Tony, I had met you guys, I was working, we were working on Tony s book, Money Master the Game.
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So I m working hard, et cetera, et cetera, and was here on business for long days and nights and sometimes weeks, staying at the hotel.
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And as I mentioned, I was still drinking at this time, sometimes more heavily than I would have liked to admit.
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And I was walking down the hotel hallway.
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I ve never told this story, I don t think to anyone.
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I was walking down a hallway and kind of like, you know, like a pinball from door to door on uncertain, unsure footing.
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And not one of my best moments.
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It s hard for me even to picture the girl that was walking down that hallway, fumbling with her hotel key, trying to find the right hotel room.
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and I looked down the hallway and you were standing there and I had a moment of like I was mortified, I was shocked, I was embarrassed, I was humiliated and I wanted to hide.
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There s no word hide in a hotel hallway right and like if I could have thrown a black hole on the ground and dove in it I would have and I m just like I mean had this flood of emotion of like
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there goes everything.
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There goes my life.
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There goes my job.
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There s no way I m not going to get fired.
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I can t even stand up straight. 
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And you came over and you were just like, Hey Mare.
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And I was like, I mean, honestly, probably what was I afraid of?
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I was probably afraid that I was going to lose your love.
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Cause you and I were very good friends even at that point.
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Yes.
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It makes me emotional to think about because I was just like, I was terrified and ashamed and just thinking she s never, everything that I ve ever known with her is gone.
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And you were just like, looks like you need some help getting me into my room.
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I remember that.
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Do you remember this?
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I do remember that story and I love that that s what was stirred up through this conversation.
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I remember when you left, you didn t feel yourself and definitely continued to linger in my being and I felt uneasy and by the way, you know, innocently we as human beings, you know, we feel these instincts and I think it s so beautiful when we tune in and
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And, you know, act.
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And that was one of those moments.
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And I remember walking down the hallway and seeing you and I just had, I had love and compassion for you.
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I was like, Oh my gosh, I got to get you in that room.
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I had to get that kid, help you open that door.
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And, you know, love is birthed through many moments of that where, you know, when you love it s it s it wasn t about what I thought you should be doing or shouldn t be doing.
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I couldn t care less.
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You know, I I cared about you and and I wanted you supported and to know that, hey, I was there.
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And, you know,
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I m just so surprised that you re sharing this conversation or this story right now.
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Maybe it s not the right place to share.
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I think it s actually really beautiful.
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I think it s
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It s really beautiful because it s a reminder that love sees through a lens.
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There is, you know, love doesn t judge.
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You know, love accepts, it allows, it understands, it connects.
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It s patient.
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I think we re speaking of Corinthians.
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Don t quote me on that, but I think that s the prayer that you were mentioning.
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I think the love is patient, love is kind.
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Yes.
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I expected to be met with disgust and judgment.
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And you just, it wasn t like, you weren t laughing.
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It was just, it felt nothing but compassion and like, and that, that moment of love is what made me be like, I got, something s got to change.
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Well, that s beautiful.
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How many years have you been sober, Mary B?
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I am going on seven years.
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That s incredible.
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That s awesome.
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I haven t had a drink in seven years.
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I can t believe it.
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And it s probably worth mentioning in the Love Podcast, if alcohol is something that you don t have a healthy relationship with, I would not have been able to admit this.
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I would have been like, it is not unhealthy.
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In fact, it is the lubricant that I need for my emotions to go into that direction of
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of, I mean, love is probably the wrong word there.
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That s not love, but for relationships, let s say.
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For life.
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For life.
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I wouldn t have thought I would be able to function without it.
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And this is not an advertisement to do that.
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I m just saying, if you hear this and any part of you goes, ah, man, my relationship, I would have a lot less problems if I wasn t, if I didn t have maybe some problems myself with alcohol or whatever.
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whatever your thing is everybody s got something probably and when you find someone that will love you through that and you want to be better for that s a powerful thing and it s also an example of it doesn t have to be your you know this isn t some romantic story this is this person loved me enough to make me say I don t ever want to be that because I was judging myself as disgraceful and and if that was my impression of myself in that moment
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I don t want to be that for you, and you made me see that I don t want to be that for me.
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And love does that.
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Well, I think that s, you just stumbled upon something that a lot of times culturally or in this world that we can miss, because love really does start with ourselves.
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And I simply reflected who you are, Amir, in that moment.
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or maybe possibly reminded you who you are.
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And I think we re all doing that, or we all have the opportunity to do that for each other.
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And that s the gift of, that s where we meet in this human experience.
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And by the way, if it isn t alcohol, we all numb ourselves or can distract ourselves or, you know, there s many different ways to do such things.
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And if it isn t alcohol, it might be food, or if it isn t food, it might be this, you know, we can all walk down that path and,
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Um, and then there s another way, which is actually leaning into it and stepping through it and understanding what s coming up.
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Um, you know, I was thinking about this, uh, conversation and, uh, thinking about like, where does unconditional love fit in this society?
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And I think it, you know, for myself anyway, anyways, or from my own experience, more accurately.
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It s the understanding that we are all in this thing together.
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You know, we all have this internal experience of mind that, uh, you know, there s those two voices with inside of ourselves.
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It s like the one that is a greater trooper, a broader truth or the truth for ourselves.
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Uh, and there s the one that s kind of the naysayer.
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That s you can t do this or this, that, or the other, like you said, you know, shameful or disgust.
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That wasn t even my reference point.
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But I think that s so remarkable that we all have that flight.
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We all walk that path, no matter where we come from, what religion, what race, what education.
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And I think that that juncture, that oneness, that we are all in this human experience.
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I mean, gosh, you know, you look at people from Prince Harry, from, you know, our beloved Twitch that, you know, just, you know, took his life most recently.
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And it s like, oh my gosh, you know, you wouldn t think of maybe somebody in a position of that nature or a certain level of fame or that one might perceive that, oh my gosh, they have everything.
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But, you know, we are still having to navigate that inner world of mind and the doubts and the fears and, and so forth, and hopefully question and inquire and transcend those pieces.
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I think that s the opportunity for us all.
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And I think that, you know, recognizing that, you know, the same force that beats my heart, beats your heart, beats Ethan s heart, beats all of our hearts, everybody that s listening, that is where we meet.
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I think that s gorgeous.
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Sage oftentimes ends, I tease you because like you ll end many sentences with, that s where we all meet.
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And which I take to mean like that is the collective that psychologists talk about.
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That s the collective human experience.
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And so Tone teaches that we all have many fears, fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of too much success.
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But the primary fear that we all meet in is this fear of we re not enough, not enoughness, insufficiency.
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We re not enough.
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And so we won t be loved.
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Which is just a thought, by the way.
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It s just a thought.
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I m not enough is simply just a thought.
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If we believe it, we really suffer.
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But for those of you who are listening, we all have that thought.
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And if we believe it, we really go down a rabbit hole.
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And the gift of this human experience is the capacity to be able to question it.
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Sorry, I didn t mean to interrupt you.
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That s, that s exactly it.
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So I think you re saying it s just a thought.
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So for any of us who feel at times in moments, it can feel debilitating.
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And I think that for people who take their life, for people who talk about struggles with mental illness, or just, I mean, without even putting labels on it, just feeling like I can t do this anymore.
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It s usually like a feeling of like,
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I don t know what to do.
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I don t know which way to go.
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Any way I go, I m not going to be enough.
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I m not going to find an answer.
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And feeling that sense of overwhelm, like you just, you don t have what it takes to do it, whatever it is.
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And you re saying, Hey, when all that pressure feels like it s like physically on you, it is just a thought that you re believing.
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Well, it is.
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If we believe that thought, you know, uh, that in that narrative becomes a part of our internal, uh, tapestry, that s a really painful reality.
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And I ve been there.
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There s been so many circumstances that have come up in my own life that, um,
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I would love for you to talk a little bit about your own life.
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Give us a little touch for a second.
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You and Tone have been together forever.
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We see these images of you guys.
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You re such a beautiful couple.
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It s not to say that Tone and I haven t been to heaven and hell and hell again and heaven again internally, individually and collectively.
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There s been times, I don t know, the beginning of a relationship, of any relationship, especially, I can t say any relationship, that s not accurate.
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in more of an intimate relationship of a dynamic, there s, we have more impressions or conditioning around an expectation of who they re supposed to be.
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And that s brutal.
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That s painful.
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You know, I remember in the, in the early days of, you know, I want you to be present for me.
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I want you to understand me.
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I want you to like all these ridiculous.
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It s so ridiculous.
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And, and, and then when that person doesn t match that of your, you know, crazy expectation of that, and then we go into our inside of ourselves and we suffer and it disconnect, and then we re not loving.
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ourselves, never mind them, that gets weird and it gets clunky.
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And so I feel like the first, I don t know how long, um, you know, you spend the first probably decade getting over yourself, you know, getting over yourself and understanding yourself.
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And, um, so that, you know, you, you pretty much, I feel like we re Tony and I are at this stage, we re left with love and gratitude.
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Like we are left with love and gratitude.
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I love that man and whatever makes him happy, whatever that looks like, I want that for him, you know, and he wants that for me.
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And I think that s what I d want for our daughter.
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I want her happiness.
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I have love and gratitude for the experience, but I have no expectation of that.
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She needs to be something other than what she is.
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And that s freedom.
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You know, that s freedom.
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It s our demands.
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It s like, I love you.
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If I love you, when you do this, I love you.
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When you marry me, you know, I want this once again, it s this, these weird, strange demands that we place on this notion of love.
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And yet that s not love.
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It destroys love.
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It, it, it, it, it, yeah, it s control.
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It, it, it, it, what s that word?
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Like, um, yeah, constricts or strangles love, uh, not love, uh, our experience of it.
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Because when we have those expectations, we shut off our own, you know, love is a currency.
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It s a, it s a resonance and, uh, you can feel it.
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You can walk into the room and feel that experience.
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It s an invisible force.
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You can t see it.
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You can t hold onto it.
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You can t control it.
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But it s a happening.
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It s a beautiful happening.
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And it extends, you know, every, just today, you know, this beautiful man in this room here, hi Ethan, who s filming this, you know, I walked in and just saw his face and it s like, wow, it s so beautiful to be with you.
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I have a love for him, who he is.
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And I think that s where life really gets beautiful, when you recognize, you know,
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whatever you want to call it.
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If you re not a believer in God, if you are, it s like we re all children of God.
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If you re not, it s like the same force that breathed my breath, breathed yours, breathed yours.
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And that, so that there s this interconnectedness of this oneness and all of a sudden this equality, or I don t know if equality is the right word, but this meeting point, this juncture that
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what that I was created, you were created, you were created.
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And I m going through this human experience.
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You re going through this human experience.
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We all experience, you know, life and like death and you know, all this, this human experience or not enoughness.
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And it s like, what?
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So such sweet compassion and, and appreciation for us, everyone.
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I mean, how could you not?
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And I think when you have that lens, whether them, oh, they re this,
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Yep.
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They re this political party.
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They re this religion.
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They re this whatever race.
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They re this that it s like, okay, that is a description.
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That is an identity that might be a facet, but that s not who you are.
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That s not who I am.
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We are so much more beautiful and complex and, and, and, and, um,
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Intricate.
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I don t know that that s even the word.
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I know our friend Mickey Singer talks about open and close.
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Can you maybe speak to that a little bit?
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Well, you know, you can feel intrinsically inside yourself when you re open and connected and feeling that there s a spaciousness inside you.
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There s a willingness, there s a receptivity, there s an aliveness to life.
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Closing feels very different.
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It feels tight, it feels constricted, it can feel fearful because you re believing your thoughts.
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Um, it s humbling and we all experience, I experienced that, that dance.
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I know what it feels like to feel that heavy density of feeling like, oh, and feeling fear or that tightness or constriction.
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Uh, and what it feels like on the other side of that, you know, even if you re just like, yep.
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To people that you really love, that shortness is a closing, is a constriction of the faucet.
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We modulate our love.
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If they do this, oh, we give them this response.
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If they do that, oh, they get this response.
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That s closing, that s opening and closing.
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That s what we mean.
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I think when we talk about that and tuning, when I learned that and then tuning into that feeling, it s a great little yardstick.
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Well, I think that s one of the gifts of this human experience is that, or the, I don t know if it s a gift.
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Well, I think it is a gift is that we are all responsible for our life and as well, that inner tapestry or that inner discord or inner harmony, you know?
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And so, uh, you know, if you re feeling that, uh, resistance, or if you re feeling that tightness or that constriction, less pleasant,
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It s a gift of inquiry, or even identifying, chewing in, what am I even believing in order to be experiencing this?
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Because it s a belief or it s a story, it s a narrative.
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And it s usually happening this way, something from yesterday.
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If you think of like, if all of your life was completely erased up till this very moment,
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then all we would be experiencing is this moment, the sensations inside of ourselves, what we see, what we feel, what we perceive.
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And think about it, like if you just literally walked into this planet, it s like, what?
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Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
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This beautiful reality, this beautiful moment.
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this exact moment all you have to do is close your eyes to tap into it you know what my heart s beating i woke up this morning sometimes i ll wake up and i ll see my feet on the ground and i m like oh
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Like, I don t know, like I have this body, this thing that carries me around, it blows my mind.
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And that when I think of that miracle, I fall in love.
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I m like, wow, I m really grateful to be alive today.
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Life can change in an instant.
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My dad, I was driving, we were talking last night and he was driving down the street the other day and this truck drove by and this really big block of wood hit the front of his vehicle.
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Uh, he was like, like, like it, number one, beyond startling him.
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He thought like a bomb went off.
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He didn t know what happened, but he was like, like life can change in an instant, you know, in an instant.
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Uh, we just never know, uh, when our last breath will be.
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And I think it s beautiful to live it so fully, so utterly and leave nothing on the table.
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Um, so that, you know, there s a fullness to life.
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I don t know.
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I think it s a beautiful experience to get into bed and feel like, Whoa,
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What a lived day.
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That s love.
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You know, that s love.
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It s true.
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Absolutely.
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You know, and if you re in a relationship, if you re not, if you have children, if you don t, if you have parents, if you have friends, like whatever, if you re straight, if you re gay, if you re whatever, whatever.
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you whatever s true for you however love expresses or life expresses as you um you know that s really what this is all being or i ll be all about and uh you know i wanted to say one more thing about you know when you mentioned about tony and i and like the acceptance i i think one of the most gorgeous recognitions when you realize that it s like i am you you are me
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And so, you know, at the beginning... Stop right there though.
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Explain that.
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Okay.
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Well, the same, I have judgments, I have fears, I feel sadness, you feel like... So we have that meeting point.
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So it s like, if I m like, oh, you know, she s this, or he s doing that, or she s so... It s like, well,
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You know, find all the places that you are too.
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Because can t you?
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Of course.
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If you ve felt not enough, if you felt like I can t do this, if you felt like, you know, I, I just, I can t.
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We ve all been there.
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We ve all been there.
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And so how can I, or how, you know, you can, because mine judges, but I think that s just the recognition that it s like, I don t know.
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somewhere along the line, you know, after all these years, you start to recognize like, gosh, who am I to point the finger?
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Who am I to point the finger because what somebody s yelling or, you know, they re speaking in a harsh voice or they re cursing or they re slamming the door or they re this, I ve done that.
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I ve done that all.
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So who the heck am I to, if you were drinking and me showing up that day and you were drinking, well, what have I done to numb myself?
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Many things, you know, we all have.
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And I think that that s just, that s the beauty of the recognition that that s where we all come together.
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That s the true oneness that we are all
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You know, brothers and sisters on this path, if that doesn t feel true to you, we are all, but we are, no matter where we come from, we are all in this human experience.
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It looks different for you than it does for me.
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For those of you listening at home.
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home, you know, like maybe you re driving, maybe you re walking on the beach, maybe you have this on your iPhone, maybe you re cooking something, but we all do these things, this, we re all experiencing life.
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And I think that that is extraordinary and that gets missed because there s so much
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innocent focus about our differences or what separates us.
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But I think there s this beautiful, magnificent universe of what unites us.
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And, you know, I mean, we didn t just like stumble into life.
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It s a miracle.
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You know what I mean?
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Like, what the heck?
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Life is a miracle.
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The fact that we are alive is a miracle.
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And so to
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That s love in itself.
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To love life.
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That doesn t mean that you love everything that happens.
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It doesn t mean that everything that happens is pleasant.
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It doesn t mean that people aren t going to die.
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You re not going to experience loss.
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You re not going to experience pain.
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But the beauty of it, the mess of it, the pain of it, it s life.
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And because we re experiencing that, we re alive.
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And I think that s incredible.
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And the balm, you often use the word balm, the balm that love can be in this life that does entail at times loss and grief and struggle.
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Then to know someone s love, that s pretty miraculous too.
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Yes, it is.
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I m grateful for that.
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You know, it s just so beautiful how God places these unexpected gifts of, you know, a human through a glance, through a reaching out, through somebody holding your hand, holding a space for you in an unexpected way, a hello.
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You know, a smile, the warmth of that, the currency, the resonance of that, and what that feels like, that s love.
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It s the most simple, ordinary, what one may even perceive to be mundane, and yet so incredibly profound, that s love.
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In all forms.
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In all forms.
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Sometimes unexpected.
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Yes.
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I was going to mention when I m bringing up finding love let s say through dating apps which is such a common experience and I just want to be so clear I have zero judgment of that.
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I ve used them myself successfully and unsuccessfully even though there s no such thing.
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And what I do think we maybe should at least be aware of is we had a friend over for dinner the other day and he is a dad.
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He has two sons in their 20s and he was telling us how he and his wife had sat with their sons and their son s girlfriends and they were talking about the experience of dating apps and what that s like and how now
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you know, and I m not putting this on them because I absolutely know this is exactly what I did.
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Like you set your filters, right?
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So you think like, oh, there s plenty of fish out there.
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And then we narrow our filters to like this height and this eye color and this, you know.
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just like the most ridiculous prerequisites for things.
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And so then by the time it s all said and done, you are working with like a 3% stripe of the potential population.
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You re wondering like, where are they?
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You can t find them.
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It s like, no, you ve eliminated them.
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And so
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what I kind of, not even what I ve taken away, what life has actually shown me in my experience is be surprised by those that will love you and by those that you will be called to love.
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And they might not fit into your little filters.
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But, you know, if you say that we re all,
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children of God.
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And if you re a believer or not a believer, if you believe that something at least created all of us or all of this, then you re offering that to some kind of a higher power.
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So, and I hope that, you know, we can see that there s gotta be something greater than us.
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And so that, that force must be more creative than anything we can imagine.
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And so if you re limiting to like, they have to be this tall and you know, they have to speak three languages and they have to be great at this and it s like,
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we re dumbing it down and like what about the creative tone teaches about the the most important things the ultimate success formula is you have to stay flexible and you have to be resourceful and you got to get creative and these are the things just like in anything else that will make you quote-unquote successful I think when we re talking about love even is like get creative don t you don t just work with this one little like this is this is all I want and this is all that will work for me it s like
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Where s the fun in that?
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Be surprised.
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Let it, you know, get messy, like you said.
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It s true.
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And a lot of times those qualities, they re about attraction, right?
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You know, it s not necessarily even about love and love looks different.
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I mean, you look at this unique constellation of this family.
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And for those of you who didn t
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possibly tune into our Mother s Day podcast, Mary carried our daughter.
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She was the surrogate and ended up being an adoptive parent of our daughter and that came through love.
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You know, that came through this unexpected constellation of these human souls that were brought together and brought this, you know, beautiful being into existence.
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And the unexpectedness is this chosen family.
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And there s a sharing and it magnifies love.
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It makes life more beautiful in that sharing.
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And it s unexpected, I never imagined it.
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You know, it s gorgeous and beautiful and of course has its challenges as well.
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But no different than any human life would have its challenges, you know.
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Every relationship, every form of love.
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But it s, it s so, I couldn t have created that.
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I couldn t have wrote this script, you know, through, but it came out of a painful circumstance.
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It came out of, it was birthed out of, you know, not being able to, or miscarrying so many times and, and not being able to carry a child myself.
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And so this unexpectedness of this, you know, this aggregate of, of these beautiful humans that came together,
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That humbles me and amazes me.
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And I m not that intelligent or cool to think it up.
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Uh, and that would be missed on an app.
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Not to say that you cannot fall in love on an app.
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I think they re, you know, wonderful.
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Cause we can, you know, life offers us love anywhere.
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Love defies the odds, or certainly this family has defied the odds or the unexpectedness of how this amazing constellations come together.
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And I look at our daughter and she has more love, not less.
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And, um, because of it, and you get to experience what it s like to be a mother, to be a parent, uh, because of that really courageous choice that you made to carry her.
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Uh, I m blessed with the gift to have a daughter that I wouldn t have without, you know, um,
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you without this amazing family and Tone being a father and this it s just it blows me away and it humbles me every day.
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And I think, you know,
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just talking to people and people in our life.
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Uh, I think, you know, a lot of times parents are coming together or human beings are coming together.
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Maybe you re married before, maybe you weren t, maybe you had children, maybe you didn t, maybe you want to have a child again, whatever it looks like, or, you know, you re hanging out with them and that s really cool.
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And that s enough.
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It looks life in love looks so beautifully different and as diverse as it possibly can, as we are humans.
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And I think that s gorgeous.
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I do too.
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And that doesn t mean I don t wake up most mornings and think, how did I get here?
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How did this happen?
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How did this happen?
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What do I always say?
8
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God.
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I do.
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I do.
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That s your answer only every time it s true.
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We told, um, you guys have a friend who has a mutual friend who is the Canadian psychologist and author Jordan Peterson.
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So one day they actually came over to the house and
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uh, Jordan and his wife.
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And so you were, I remember this day, it was Tony and you and myself and baby.
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And you, it was the first time we d, we d never met.
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We had no backstory on each other.
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So you were kind of introducing
9
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you and kind of our family to them.
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And so you kind of went through the whole thing.
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Like, you know, Tony and I have been married over 20 years and we have been on the path to starting a family and that hasn t been without its challenges.
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And, um, you know, so Mary actually carried our child.
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She s our surrogate, but we all live together now and we actually legally, um, pursued third parent adoption.
9
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And so this is the,
9
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unique constellation that we re living by.
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And I remember him sitting there and just like taking it all.
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And by the way, he s such a bright mind and extremely articulate.
9
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He speaks with precision and his language has such accuracy.
9
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And I m an admirer of his work.
9
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His biblical lectures, I think, are some of the best resources on the subject that exists.
9
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And he was taking this all, I m gonna say it again, we had just met, and Sage gives him our kind of family nutshell in 30 seconds.
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And he was like, that must require a lot of negotiation.
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And I m not disagreeing with him, but I remember hearing him use that word, and I was like, I had kind of a head tilt, like, huh, I wonder what negotiation means to him.
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I m sure he has a very precise interpretation of that word.
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And I got lost in my own like, oh, a negotiation.
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Interesting that that s what that would mean to him.
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Okay.
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And I m just like, and before I could even think to myself, but that doesn t really resonate with you and Tony and I in this situation.
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You looked at him extremely respectfully.
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I want to make that really clear and just said,
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No, not when there s love as a base, not when there s virtue, not when you re all in servitude to each other.
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And I remember that moment and it almost brings tears to my eyes because your answer to nearly everything, Sage Robbins, is love.
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Like, God, love, love, God.
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Like it s one of the two pretty much to everything.
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And do you remember that moment?
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I remember that moment.
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I think I shared that I said it was my experience or our experience that it was the currency of love, that there really wasn t a negotiation.
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You know, I wanted you supported.
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You wanted me supported.
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We all wanted each other supported.
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And it extends beyond that.
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It s, you know, my mama and daddy, your mama, your, like, there s like family all of a sudden really grew.
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There was Tone s family, your family, my family, and
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all these humans coming together in the name of bringing this little one into existence.
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That was extraordinary to me.
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And then, you know, for any of you who have been out there and, you know, have miscarried and, and, and lost a child, um, you know, that was, it was over a 20 year journey and it was, um,
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painful and it was beautiful and it was, uh, you know, I never imagined being here today, certainly at a much later stage of life, never in my wildest.
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And so to have that come to fruition in such a holistic, I m thinking of holistic, bless you.
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Um, you know, that it,
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It is and continues to be one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.
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If I thought it should have looked this way, or love should have looked this way, or that way, or the family was just this, I would have robbed myself from this experience.
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this merger of hearts.
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It s so humbling.
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It s so beautiful.
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Billy Beck, who was just here, he s the godfather of our daughter, a very dear sister and friend, who is the godmother.
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Who lives in Israel.
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Who lives in Israel.
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Even though she was born in China.
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I see the tentacles that love can branch out to.
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Love sees no color.
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Love sees no religion.
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Love sees no race.
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Love sees no age.
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Love simply loves.
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And that is love transcends all the illusions or delusions of what mind tells us about what a relationship or life is going to be.
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And if you re simply open and receptive enough to be amazed and surprised, and if you can extend possibly that two or 3%, whatever you said on your, you know, when you re swiping this way, or you re on an app and looking for this person to look a certain way, if you have that thought, you, we can miss
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We can miss, you never imagined that your family or that life would look this way, that you d be, you know what I mean?
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I never imagined this, never in my wildest freaking dreams.
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And I m humbled by it, I m moved by it, I m inspired by it, I m stretched by it, I m schooled by it.
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You know, it s quite a path and love does that.
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I wish that people could like, if you re watching this now, like pull the scroll bar back and listen to what she just said again, because it s like, it s not, and Tone always says a relationship and love is this place that you go to give and not a place that you go to get.
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So if you have this expectation that this partner of yours is just going to meet your every need.
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just be open to it looking so differently than you thought.
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Not just your, the partner that you re, how, the whole constellation I call it.
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Because this is, this is even, like there s so many pieces of this that I m just like, even when I see friends that I haven t seen in years and I m like, I know you re not going to believe this, but this is what I m doing these days.
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Like people are like, wait, what now?
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Like,
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And I just think if you are willing to open your heart and say, I want to grow and I want to learn and I want to just, I want to be stretched and I want to see what life might, might be out there, show me something.
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Isn t that the, isn t that what love, like, isn t that the fun?
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When you think about if you ve had any experience of like the excitement and the newness, you can have that.
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If you take your filters off and say, I m open to anything.
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I really am.
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Yes, and the newness can be, you know, my mom and dad were here a couple months ago and my mom and I had a moment, we were sitting at the table and our daughter was sitting next to us and she took my hand and I can just feel my mom patting my hand.
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You know, just that touch, that moment, you know, lingers with me.
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You know, love sits with somebody who s transitioning from this world.
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That s love, you know, love.
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I mean, from birth to death, love extends.
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And, you know, we do it really well as human beings.
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Well, not all of us, but you know,
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A lot of times when children are young, there s not a lot of expectation.
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You can t expect much from a child.
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You know they re going to do what they do.
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But to be able to see with the lens of that willingness of purity and innocence, to know that no matter what the behavior, just like you,
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Just like you, there s an innocence inside of me.
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There s an innocence inside of you, no matter what the behavior.
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And I think that that is a powerful understanding to remember.
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And that is where we all meet.
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And so how can I point the finger at another?
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I need to point the finger back at myself, because whatever I think you should or shouldn t be doing, somewhere in the line, we ve all been unconscious.
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We ve all missed.
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We ve all been harsh.
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We ve all been unkind.
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We ve all yelled, we ve all probably thrown something or smashed something, you know, we ve all done, we ve all, in this human experience, it s like, it s so, there s this weird dynamic of, oh, he s so this, or she s so that, or can you believe this?
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And it s like, yeah, I can believe it.
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In this human experience, I can believe anything.
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If you ve never walked into an Apple store with your phone and a thousand pieces, have you ever really been in love?
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Just me?
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Can t be.
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It s true.
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But you even said like we re good at it or we re not.
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Good at what?
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At love or you know I said that we re wired for it but we re also we don t necessarily know how to do it and you talk about there are skills to it.
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It is muscle and it is something that like
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What do you think?
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I don t know if it s a skill.
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Tell me, you don t think it s a skill?
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Well, you know, I think it s more of an art.
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I think it s more of a recognition of an allowance of a state of being.
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I think it s more of an offering.
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And that s not to say
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that there s not very useful tools, um, and strategies and insights that helps us navigate one s own self, nevermind another.
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Uh, so there s not to say, but I don t know that that s the skill for love.
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I think that s the skill for managing the human.
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Yes.
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You know what I mean?
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I think different than love.
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Okay.
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You re right.
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I don t know if that I did.
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I don t think love is a skill.
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You re exactly right.
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I do not think love is a skill, but I think like sustaining it and nurturing it, especially a relationship with
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human beings.
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That s something that takes practice.
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To navigate ourself and another.
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We could use some skills.
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So it just in an effort to provide some practical little takeaways.
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We often are, this is by, this book is by Dr. Julia Caldwell, a friend of ours, who we found, she lives in Colorado,
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And she wrote a book called the Relationship Skills Workbook.
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And Tony s taught a few things at different programs, the relationship program, a date with destiny, but really simple ideas.
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Like he teaches this process called so sensation, emotion and what you want.
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So just how to, how to communicate with a partner.
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You list a sensation in your body.
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That s an unarguable thing.
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Nobody can argue with the sensation in your body and then the emotion you re feeling.
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And she taught at one of the conferences that you guys hosted that there s these five primary emotions.
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And she said them in a rhyme, like in a mnemonic that was sad, mad, glad, scared, excited.
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You remembered?
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Yes.
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No, I m remembering that.
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And I want to just provide one context for the sensations.
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Mary said something really beautiful because it s an inarguable statement.
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what that assists us to do is to drop the blame rather than you made me feel this way.
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You yelled at me and I m, you know what I mean?
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It drops that.
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It s just, I m feeling this sensation.
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Sorry, I didn t mean to interrupt.
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You didn t interrupt at all.
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And that s exactly what you re saying is exactly.
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There s something in here that s so powerful.
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So, so Julie, one of the tidbits in this book is we re always moving out.
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Our goal is always moving out of blame and into responsibility, which is something I just like that to me is an essential,
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skill, like Tone would say, write that down, move ourselves out of blaming the other and into responsibility of self.
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And so I was going to say, you know, there s all these stories and we get going about our partner did this or they did that or whatever it is, these big long stories when really she taught, she stood up and she taught there s only these, those five emotions.
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And
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It s a really clean way to look at it and say, if you feel stuck or something, what are you really feeling?
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Are you sad?
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Are you mad?
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Are you glad?
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Are you excited?
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Are you scared?
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Are you a combination of any of those, all of them maybe?
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And just like if you feel like in a stalemate with someone that you love, no matter who they are, a partner, a mom, a friend, a coworker, come back to the simple things if you have to, like what is the emotion?
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Are you feeling sad?
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Is there a loss?
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Are you mad?
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Is there an anger or is it because of an obstacle that you re facing?
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Are you excited?
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Are you scared?
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Is there a fear or a threat that you re facing?
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Like just get simple with it and
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Yes.
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You know, simplify instead of some big long story that takes, you know, 20 minutes to explain.
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Well, that is from blame to responsibility.
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Yes, Mary.
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And that s such a profound tool because it drops the narratives and the blame and the external demonization and allows us to take responsibility for our experience.
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And that s loving.
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It s loving to take responsibility.
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It s loving to drop our blames.
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It s loving to drop our judgments of the other.
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It s loving to know that, hey, you don t have to charm me.
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You don t have to entertain me.
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You can simply be who you are and I see you.
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And I think that s the beautiful gift of
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Life.
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That s a beautiful gift of love.
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It s piercing that lens of, you know, the projections and seeing the beautiful, kind soul that is, you know, behind those layers, perfect and whole, as is, as am I, as are you, whoever is listening.
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You know, that s where we all meet.
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I told you she ends every sentence.
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Well, I have to pay attention to that.
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I like it.
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I think it s a great reminder.
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It is because it connects us.
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It unites us.
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It aligns us.
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It reminds us of our oneness rather than our separateness.
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And I find that to be a beautiful lens and a beautiful reminder.
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You often offer grace before going to bed, before getting in the car.
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What I mean by that is anytime you and I have had any kind of disturbance or misunderstanding, that s a better word for it.
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I tend to go to my room and think about the misunderstanding and inevitably, this says a lot about you, Sage, is I ll hear like a knock on the door and you ll come in.
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And you ll be like, you know, I just want to tidy something up or is there anything you want me to understand or you ll always seek to my parents did this too.
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And I m grateful for the example, but I do think it s something that s so important in any kind of relationship is before bed, before you get in your car.
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Yes.
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Just because life is that precious.
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to lean in, to lean in and to offer.
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Because if you think of love being attributes of it or an expression of it as gentleness and kindness, if you weren t that, if I wasn t that in a moment, if I was harsh in my words, or if I was short, or if I was curd,
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And in the moment that I come back to a clarity of mind and heart, I want to take responsibility for that and clear that for you and for me.
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For you and for me.
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It feels unpleasant to be in a state of fear, to be in a state of resistance.
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So to come and offer kindness is not only kind to you, it s kind to me.
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So for those of you who are listening and life is offering us that opportunity every moment.
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And I pray out of, you know, this entire conversation, if that s, if you have one takeaway, just a reminder that your presence, the reminder that your smile, the reminder that, um,
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your tone of voice, a glance matters to your children, to your beloved, to your parents, to your friends, to your co-workers, and you know.
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Let s love this world up.
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Let s love this world up.
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I trust if you re listening that there is a longing or a yearning inside of you to express, you know, the deepest and most sincere part of yourself.
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And I think life is offering us that opportunity every moment.
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So don t miss that opportunity to love.
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We don t need an excuse.
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We don t need a reason to love.
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Thank you for tuning in.
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Thank you for your open hearts, your open minds.
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And thank you for walking this path.
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We ll see or hear from you again.
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Somewhere in this existence.
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Love you.
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Yes, love you.
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Thank you.
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The Tony Robbins Podcast is inspired and directed by Tony Robbins and his teachings.
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It s produced by us, Team Tony, copyright Robbins Research International.