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Welcome to the Art of Charm.
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I m your host Jordan Harbinger.
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I m here with producer Jason DeFillippo here at AOC.
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We may not have all the answers, but we certainly have a lot of the questions today, of course, on Fan Mail Friday.
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Those questions, those come from you.
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And if you re new to AOC, if you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, Fan Mail Friday is kind of a weird place to start.
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You re welcome here, of course, but most of our content is more in-depth.
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It s a longer format, maybe an interview with somebody that you ve heard of.
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So check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best or the fundamentals toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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That s where we keep our not-so-top-secret fundamentals of reading body language and nonverbal communication, the science of attraction, negotiation techniques, influence, persuasion, networking, and relationship development, all the goodness that we teach here at the Art of Charm.
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And we ll send all that to your inbox if you text charmed
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C-H-A-R-M-E-D-2-3-3-4-4-4 here in the States, or anywhere else, just go to theartofcharm.com.
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All right, let s cut to it.
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Hello!
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I started listening to your podcast just a few months ago.
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Like many of your listeners, I always pick up great tips and actively try to test and implement them.
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Thanksgiving has passed and the holiday season is here, bringing at least one holiday party to us all.
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I ve been working for my current employer for about 10 months now, and about 2 months ago the company got sold.
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Surprisingly, no one was let go.
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We all kept our jobs, either the same or switched to a different position.
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I have my role for now, however the future seems vague as there s a whole department that performs my duties.
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And when the company integrates completely, it s very unclear about my place.
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So far I ve heard good feedback about my performance, but again, I don t know if this will get me career growth.
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My company became part of a much larger organization that has multiple individual firms engaged in different businesses.
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In about 10 days, we re all going to attend a corporate holiday party.
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So finally, here s my question.
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Can you please give me some tips on what to say, do, or how to act during the event?
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I m treating it as a networking opportunity and want to get my name out.
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Thank you and happy holidays.
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Best, Dasha.
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Hey Dasha, glad to hear you re a new fan.
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I m even more glad to hear that you re putting what you learn into action.
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Now I think it s very wise to begin networking and creating relationships within the new company.
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This gives you stronger roots inside the company as well as a better platform if you do eventually need to make a switch either internally or externally.
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And so rather than treating this as a get my name out there type of event, look at this as an event where you can meet some new people who are part of the existing organization.
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Remember, they acquired your company, so the onus is kind of on you to break the comfort zone and forge connections in the larger organization, and it seems like you know that.
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But if they ve got you seated at the party for dinner or something, make sure that you know and speak with everyone at the table.
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Remember, this isn t about telling people all about what you do or all about you.
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Find out about them, their position in the organization, of course, and make a note of their names so you can follow up later.
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And make the notes in your phone if you can do it without making things awkward, you know, or looking like you re texting.
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the table is really a good time to have longer conversations over dinner or whatever they have you doing.
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And when you re able to get up and mingle with people, you can find another person from your department if you want, and if you can, that s also looking to do the same thing, looking to get introduced or be introduced to other folks.
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Now you can take turns introducing one another to the people you meet so that you can hold conversations with larger groups more easily.
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It s much easier for two people to talk to a group of four than just one person to hold court with the whole group, for example.
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And so remember, depth of conversation is better than speed.
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It s better to meet eight people that you talk to for 15 minutes each than to meet 30 people and you got a huge list and nobody remembers who you are.
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A day or so after the event,
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Send follow-up email to the people that you meet.
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You can probably find their email in a company directory.
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You don t need to get that email info at the party.
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It s a little bit too formal.
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And in the follow-up, you can create some smaller conversations about the direction of the company or other company-wide events.
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Now, I m not sure how big your organization is, but there might be a lot more going on than you think.
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You can also keep in touch with these people somewhat regularly via email or other company functions.
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If you see these people in the hall or at other events, be sure to say hello so that soon enough, everyone will know who you are.
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And this is a delicate balance here.
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No need to force it lest you become a little annoying.
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And I would ask, is there any way to join some committees or other groups at work?
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If you do something like that, that is a great way to get face time with people from other departments as well and maybe find out who organized the holiday party and see if that group needs help with the next event.
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Making company-wide relationships is really a great move.
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It s something that happens usually over time.
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And people who do this tend to be much more successful throughout their careers in any industry, in any organization.
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And we talk a lot about networking and relationship development.
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We have a whole course on this subject.
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It s called Social Capital.
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And if y all are interested in that type of thing, it s at theartofcharm.com slash social, theartofcharm.com slash social.
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We teach a lot of these skills very much in depth.
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That s at theartofcharm.com slash social.
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I hope that helps.
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Alright, next question.
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Hi Jordan.
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Thank you for the great podcast.
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Loving your work.
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I m a manager and an owner of a retail business employing 60 staff members.
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I have an issue at work.
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Recently a colleague of mine did exit interviews for staff and the feedback was, here s the negative feedback, I am too happy and bubbly and enthusiastic.
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I am very fake.
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I seem to fake being happy all the time.
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My ideas are not well thought through.
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And here s the positive feedback.
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I m bright and bubbly.
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I m empathetic.
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I m not sure what I should do to fix the above issues, and it seems that it s good and bad to be happy, bubbly, and enthusiastic.
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I want to be an authentic person to be able to connect with the staff.
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The above feedback about being fake is not great.
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Love from Little Miss Fake.
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Hey, Little Miss Fake, now this is a tough one because this comes down to others  perspectives and we just, we can t get into their heads.
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The best way to get depressed and down on ourselves is to assume that we can read other people s minds.
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So please, just don t even try.
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Some people like bubbly.
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Some people like enthusiastic and others might not.
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And that said, the level of energy is not what s important here.
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It s whether you re being authentic while doing it.
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And that s a tough question that only you can answer.
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Are you genuinely this enthusiastic and bubbly, or are you putting on a show of some kind because you think your team needs to see that?
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Can you maybe find another balance here?
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Now it s time to ask yourself those questions in a very honest way.
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The answer might not come to you right away, but no worries.
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Also, you can t let every bit of feedback get to you, especially from people leaving an organization of which you are the boss.
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If I let every bit of negative fan mail get to me,
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I don t know if we can call it fan mail at that point, but we d never even have a show.
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We d never be doing this if we listened to every little bit of negative press.
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So you can t really get obsessed with your press, both good and bad.
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You can take it as feedback, but at the end of the day, you really are the final arbiter of feedback, and I hope that helps.
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Go to Kajabi.com slash charm and join the creators and entrepreneurs who have made over seven billion dollars.
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Moving along.
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Hi, Jordan.
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Thanks for the great podcast.
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I like the no BS, pragmatic, actionable
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approach to self-improvement.
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I thought you could maybe have some interesting insight on my problem.
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I m a socially outgoing person and I have friends, but I feel I lack close connection with people.
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I found episode 504, Stop Being Lonely, very helpful.
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Also, the conversation formula you ve been discussing in your toolbox episodes has been quite helpful in getting to break the ice with new people.
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I ve made be interested to be interesting one of my fundamental rules.
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But more specifically, the problem is that even though I ve clearly made people more interested in me, I seem to attract particularly needy people.
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This has been a problem through my whole life, so there must be something else there as well.
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It feels like when I start creating connections to people, they open up with their problems to me, and I start to become kind of a therapist to them, and eventually the friendship ends up being a burden.
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It feels like people who are in need of emotional comfort and reassurance become especially attracted to me and they only get in touch with me when they need that.
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And even though I ve managed to make more connections to new people with your advice, this same pattern seems to repeat.
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I have a theory that when I feel a person is especially interesting, I might be the one acting needy and fail to create mutual attraction.
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Or I might have problems being vulnerable and feel secure with other people only when they are socially in a worse place than me so I can be the one in control.
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How do I break the cycle?
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How can I create social connections that could feel fulfilling for me as well?
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Thank you for the show and keep up the good work.
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Harry from Helsinki, Finland.
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Hey Harry, great question.
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I m really glad you re applying what you re learning as well.
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You know that s my favorite thing.
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Awareness of this issue is really a good sign.
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So it s impossible for me to say because I m not there, but it does seem like maybe you ve hit on something towards the end of your letter here.
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You want to be in control, and the way that you find yourself in that control is by finding people in a fragile place who don t have anywhere else to turn.
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Now this has happened to a lot of us who are social, but you seem to be taking on the burden yourself because you re getting some value out of it.
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Remember, any relationship, and I mean that in the lightest, most broadest sense of the word, in any relationship,
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Both parties are getting something out of it.
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And I m talking about even ones that where you re just thinking, wow, this person treats this other person like crap.
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I don t understand why they stay.
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They re getting something out of it.
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What are you getting out of these relationships?
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Because otherwise you wouldn t keep creating this around you.
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It seems like,
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you at some level are getting value.
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So you need to figure out what that value is.
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Are you enjoying the early stages of being needed?
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That s what I would ask you.
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Now the work you need to do on yourself is to get out of this place.
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It s just like what we re teaching you here at AOC on the show and in our programs as well.
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You need to get an internal locus of control, an internal source of confidence, not a situational confidence based upon your position relative to other people socially or otherwise.
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If you re taking confidence only on your position relative to others,
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you ll find yourself stuck in this situation where the only people that you end up getting close to are people who are willing to be subordinate to you, which is exactly the type of person that creates the problem that you ve written about here.
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So keep applying what you ve learned here and create some boundaries for yourself.
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When you see the red flags of those in need coming your way, make sure the line you draw is clear so you don t end up in this position over and over and over again.
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All right, on to the next.
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My life is enriched by the content you expose me to through your show.
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Your interview with Philip McKernan inspired me to finally write to thank you.
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Also, I so appreciate how vulnerable you were about your experience of realizing that taking ownership of your preparation meant that you didn t have the out of having been too busy to prepare.
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Your preparation shows, and you come across as more curious, compassionate, and listening more deeply.
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I really see how I m not doing the fully preparing thing for my show, which is my life.
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Thanks for being you, and being an example.
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When you get an email from a DBAG, think about all the people out there who are thinking things like this, and just haven t written in yet.
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Rock on, Emma in Boulder.
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No need for an immediate answer here.
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I feel like we all have something like this in our lives.
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We just need to find it and then ask ourselves the hard questions.
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So, what areas of our lives are we not working on?
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Where are we not giving it 100% because we re afraid that our best might still not be enough?
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If you write that down, you think about it for this week, I think, man, you could come up with some really good stuff.
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Thanks, Emma.
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Alright, last but not least.
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How to tell a friend who seems to be wasting his time and escaping from something important.
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This very close friend of mine who is the same age as me, 31, quit his job a few months ago after being told he was going to be promoted next year and moved to a new city.
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He said he needed a break to rethink his career direction.
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I initially thought it was a good thing as I went through the same phase a few years back.
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He s been keeping himself busy with mostly partying and meeting new friends.
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As well, he s also studying some part-time courses.
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He seems to be happy and he s telling me about all his great party nights and how nice it is to be a student again.
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But I feel something s wrong when a person is indulging himself excessively into just pleasure.
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Or am I wrong about that?
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I don t want to risk our friendship and tell him directly that he s wasting his time and refusing to grow up.
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I know people say, no one can save you unless you save yourself.
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But he s very bright and has so much potential, and I know he wants to contribute to the world, even though he keeps saying he s not career driven.
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That s why I don t want to see him not doing really anything to move his life forward.
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I did recommend your podcast, and he said he would love to listen, but he s too busy.
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So is there anything I can do?
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Or is it just a natural phase people would go through and someday they might wake up?
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And actually, how do I give advice to friends in general and not hurt the relationship?
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Sometimes I m a very blunt person because I think it s not going to be helpful if I m not being direct and honest.
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I would love to hear your thoughts on these.
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Thanks again and keep up the good work.
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Best regards, Sharon from Macau.
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Hey Sharon.
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Yeah, something about that old joke about how many shrinks does it take to change a lightbulb, the lightbulb has to want to change, badum ching, right?
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This is a normal phase, I see it, for this guy, for your friend.
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He s not even open to listening to the show, let alone taking actions based on the advice given.
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So to use what I assume may be a uniquely American expression, to try and change your friend would be just like pissing into the wind.
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I think it s great that you care about your friends.
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I also think it s kind of like holding a ladder.
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You re needed in the position that you re in.
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And if they fall, they ll be really glad that you re there.
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But until that moment comes, you re mostly just in the way.
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In other words, let him get this out of his system.
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Any consequences will be his and his alone.
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It s really not up to you to save him or anyone else.
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And that kind of leads me to another point here.
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Given the earlier context of your letter and your abusive upbringing in China and things like that, I d be much more interested to hear about why you think you need to fix your friends and why you re responsible for that stuff.
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This is an area that I think for you could use some serious thought and meditation if I can use that term.
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Often what we think are faults we see in others
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they re really more of a reflection of some part of ourselves.
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So ask yourself, why is it so important to you to police what your friend s doing and help save him from himself?
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And do you do that with other friends?
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Are there other people in your life that might have done that?
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What was your parents  relationship like?
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Was your mom always trying to save your dad or vice versa?
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Those are the questions I m hinting at here.
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I hope you all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget, you can email us, friday at theartofcharm.com to get your questions answered on the air.
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A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at theartofcharm.com slash fmf93.
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Also, don t forget the Art of Charm Challenge, text charmed, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444 here in the United States or anywhere else, just go to theartofcharm.com.
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will take you step-by-step to becoming better at making personal and professional connections, increasing that social capital, increasing that charisma, becoming a better networker, and it s for both guys and gals.
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A lot of gals in there representing AOC Sisters, so check that out.
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Text CHARMED, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D, to 33444 here in the States, or anywhere else, just go to theartofcharm.com.
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By the way, I m doing a lot of speaking these days.
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A lot of people reaching out, trying to book stuff.
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I appreciate it.
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I d love to come and speak at your organization, your corporation, whatever.
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Just reach out to me here, jordanattheartofcharm.com.
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Quick shout out to Anna in Norway and Chris Rudolph, who met AJ and Johnny here at the Art of Charm team somewhere on the road, listeners of Podcast Them Both.
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Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up, I d love to shout you out here.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com.
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Of course, including info on our live residential programs.
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Those we run every week in LA.
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If you want to dig into this stuff, work on your AOC skills directly with us as your coaches.
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Check it out, bootcamp.theartofcharm.com.
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Now stay charming, get out there and connect, and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to the Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.