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Welcome to the Art of Charm.
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I m your host, Jordan Harbinger.
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I m here with producer Jason DeFillippo.
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Here at the Art of Charm, we may not have all the answers, but we certainly have some of the questions, and today on Fan Mail Friday, those questions come from you.
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If you re new to the AOC podcast, Fan Mail Friday is not my favorite recommended place to start.
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Most of our content is more in-depth.
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It s longer format, interview-based, so go ahead and check out the best of page at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the fundamentals toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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That s where we ve got a lot of our fundamentals of reading body language and nonverbal communication, the science of attraction, negotiation techniques, networking, mentorship, influence, persuasion tactics, and basically everything that we teach here at The Art of Charm.
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And I ll send all that to your inbox if you text the word charmed, C-H-A-R-M-E-D, to 33444 here in the USA or anywhere else, just go to theartofcharm.com.
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All right, let s cut to it.
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Hi Jordan.
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Why don t you have more spiritual topics on the podcast?
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I feel your advice and interviews are so amazing and they have been sent to me by multiple friends.
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That s clearly happening for a reason.
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Curiously yours, Transcendental Tim.
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Hey Transcendental Tim.
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I actually don t talk spirituality because I think for a lot of people, including myself, it tends to prohibit accessibility.
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People think it s woo-woo or they think the show is only about that and I want to get people what they need at the time that they need it.
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Lots of people are out there waxing spiritual.
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There s just not that much solid advice, which is the type of stuff that AOC is known for.
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And maybe the show was sent to you for a reason, probably not by some mysterious force and probably not for the reasons you think.
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It was probably just sent to you because your friend thought you d enjoy it and maybe could use it.
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The universe doesn t need to have a grand plan for each of us.
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In fact, if we actually think that the universe has some grand plan for each one of us individually, that s a little bit too narcissistic for my taste.
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Given the choice between those two narratives, or these two narratives, namely that the universe cares about all of us versus the universe doesn t care about any of us, one theory is more comforting and one is likely more accurate.
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The idea that the universe or ether or whatever cares about each of us breaks down a little bit though.
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If you travel, you see all the needless suffering of children, et cetera.
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It s hard to believe some mantra that the universe provides.
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And tackling this question while intellectually interesting is not as interesting to me right now as getting people the help they actually need.
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So for now, the purpose of the show and my purpose will stay fixed in that direction.
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I hope that makes sense.
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I liked this podcast a lot at first, though after going through a bunch of episodes and listening non-stop for about a week or two, I started to notice some things.
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For instance, how Jordan, as much as it seems that he has the ability to ask great questions so that the average listener can really dig in, he also seems to have this need to always relate to the guest in a we re-on-this-level kind of way.
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I understand in interviewing, a goal is to make your guest comfortable and relate to them, but he does it in a way as if he s constantly trying to prove that he s up there with his guests.
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I m not sure if that s for the audience, for himself, or for his guests.
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A lot of times he comes off as rather arrogant.
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I wish he d take himself out of the equation and be a little more transparent in hosting so that the guests can shine, without him having to express how he s on their level in so many ways.
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It s turning me off from listening at this point.
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Signed, Oscar.
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Hey, Oscar, I m very conscious of this, and I always appreciate the feedback.
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There are a lot of reasons an interviewer may want to inject some of their personality, however distasteful to some, into their own show.
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For example, to avoid becoming the sort of commodity that most radio shows and podcasts actually tend to be.
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However, this particular comment actually sounds like one ego clashing against the perception of another ego, namely my own.
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And so there s a teachable moment here, I think.
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For example, I d flip the script and ask why it bothers you so much that, in your perception, I seem to strive to be on the same plane as my guests.
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I get why this might be something you d rather not see or hear, because I used to be the same way.
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I d resented in the past when somebody who I thought was lesser than myself seemed to have the self-esteem and the audacity to hold themselves as equal with somebody that I perceived as greater than myself.
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And after a few years of this, I realized that my resentment was really misplaced.
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The reason I had a problem with other people holding themselves to a high standard is because I didn t see myself as capable enough to hold myself to that same or similar standard.
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In other words, I resented what other people were doing, not because of what they were doing, but because I didn t think I would, myself, be able to achieve the same level of success in a given field.
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And that s a really dangerous mindset.
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So I m not here to ask you to change your review or your comments about the show, but I am here to be candid and warn others of the trap that this type of thinking can become.
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Because when you think this way, it s a bit like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick.
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The only person who suffers is you.
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This is a fan response to Mr. Mumbles from FanMailFriday91 who had trouble being heard and speaking up.
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I d like to address his problem.
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I had a student whom no one could understand, yet he didn t have a speech problem.
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I consulted with my dad, also a speech therapist, and he suggested that the guy hold up his head and stick his chin out, a confident posture.
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We recorded him speaking before and after the postural change, and the result was astonishing.
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I didn t know how to post this on Fan Mail Friday, but I hope you will make this suggestion to him.
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It could make all the difference.
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You know, this is interesting, because I didn t know this, and that response is actually from my mother, who I had no idea she was doing stuff like this, and I think it s really funny that the results of the exercise that they did were as dramatic as they were, but I don t find it surprising, because we do drills and exercises like this all the time at AOC and in boot camp.
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I had no idea that my mom and grandpa
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were doing very similar stuff for their whole lives.
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That s super interesting that they did stuff like that.
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Of course, when you change your physiology, the way that you sit, stand, walk, and talk will also follow suit.
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I mean, the mind follows the body, the body follows the mind.
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It seems like this is just that applied in a very real-world scenario done by my mom and grandpa.
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I think that s fascinating.
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So thanks, Mom, for writing that.
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I m actually surprised to hear from you.
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I wasn t sure you listened to Fan Mail Friday,
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And I think it s great that Mr. Mumbles could get help from a speech therapist.
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Wish I d thought of that myself.
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Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
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Hey Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
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Alright, next up.
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Hey Jordan, I ve been listening to your podcast and the AOC Toolbox episodes and I think they re great.
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I ll definitely be leaving a positive review for you guys on iTunes.
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Woohoo!
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Question for you.
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I ve been battling a chronic pain issue for a long time.
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Working on the computer makes it worse and my successful job depends on it.
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It s also tough to be comfortable in my own skin when I m out trying to have fun.
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I ve hired a full-time functional medicine expert who is not cheap, a full-time foundation for recovery and wellness coach, and I see a number of health practitioners on a regular basis.
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I enjoy having drinks with my friends and going out socializing, but I get sick and run down very fast.
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Like my social scene and your references on the podcast, I m always around alcohol, but haven t found a great way to stay away from it and be seen as a fun guy.
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My inner game isn t where I want it.
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limiting belief that I m working to correct because I m not a playful master of banter and that I need to drink to fit in.
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Do you have any strategies for managing not drinking socially?
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It s easier for me to go out more often if I m not run down and to ultimately get myself to the place I need to be with my health.
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Appreciate your insight on this one.
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Signed, Chronic Charlie.
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Hey, Chronic Charlie, I definitely understand this, and I m gonna stay away from the functional wellness stuff, because it sounds like you ve got that covered with your coach.
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I don t want to confuse you.
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I don t want to jump in where I might not be qualified to talk about whatever medical stuff you re dealing with as well.
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When you go out at night, if you go out at night, you can always drink club soda.
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You can always blend in that way.
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You don t have to worry about being a playful master of banter and all that stuff.
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I mean, first of all, check out the AOC Toolbox if you need to brush up on that skill set.
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That s at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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We have banter toolboxes, we ve got plenty of attraction and flirting stuff there, but I don t think that s the real problem.
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I think that s a band-aid on a bullet hole because I think really what we re looking at is a lifestyle pattern change that you re going to need to adopt.
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You don t have to go out at night, you don t have to get no sleep, you don t have to drink and go out and drink.
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In fact, what I would recommend for somebody in your situation is
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Instead of running through the bar scene, which is clearly not a mix for your health goals, you can sign up, let me back up the truck here, make a list of activities and things that you want to learn, and I ve given this advice here and there on the show, make a list of activities that you want to learn, Italian cooking, Spanish,
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I don t know, underwater basket weaving, whatever, throw it in a list, then go to meetup.com, look at places like General Assembly, the Learning Annex, whatever you ve got in your neck of the woods, the YMCA for God s sake, and just figure out what classes they offer and what s interesting to you, and you can also use that list of activities that you thought you would like to learn, skills and activities.
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These activities are geared towards learning a skill.
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That s the key.
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So it s a hobby.
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So worst case scenario, you don t meet anyone in those classes that shares that hobby, but you re still learning and building a skill set.
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You re not learning much when you go out to a bar and drink with your friends.
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Chances are, if you re not feeling comfortable there, you re not meeting anyone new.
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So why not?
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both learn a functional skill as well as meet people at the same time who share those hobbies and have a growth mindset.
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This doesn t involve alcohol unless you want it to, it doesn t have to involve anything unhealthy, they seldom go that late so you ll be able to keep up on your sleep, and a lot of them are going to be active so you ll be moving around and accomplishing your health goals.
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I think trying to figure out how to fit into a bar scene without drinking, without staying up late, et cetera, is trying to hammer that square peg through the round hole.
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I think what you need are different pegs and different holes, buddy.
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And I think you can do that by making a list of things that you wanna learn and looking at what s offered in your area.
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And these are, even further, these things are never that expensive.
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There s gonna be so much more value in that for you than just going out and socializing at a bar and drinking or not drinking with a bunch of people.
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You ve gotta take care of your health, and the way that you do that is by building your lifestyle around it, not the other way around.
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A quick note that I wanted to clarify here, and this comes by way of James, although it came by way of a few other folks.
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A lot of people wrote in after the General McChrystal episode and said things like,
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One meal a day, I don t know if I could do that.
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Or one meal a day, that s terrible for you.
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I don t care what this general says.
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Look, these little idiosyncrasies that a lot of people have, high performers, this is not necessarily advice.
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And I know when General McChrystal was on the Tim Ferriss Show, for example, they really talked a lot about one meal a day, one meal a day.
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This is not a life hack pro tip.
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This is not what generals do.
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This is something he did, General McChrystal, that he knows was probably bad for him.
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He was a victim of those circumstances.
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He didn t get enough sleep.
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He didn t get enough food.
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So we gotta be careful not to get lost in these details.
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It is interesting to look at high performers and brilliant minds and look at all these little things that they re doing.
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Oh, Elon Musk does this.
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General Stanley McChrystal does that.
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General McChrystal, for example, eats one meal a day, like you said, and that s not necessarily the reason for his success.
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In fact, we asked him about that during the episode, and it was just a function of time, a bad habit, not something he s done that he finds high leverage, and
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It s something I want to highlight a bit more because I didn t hammer this down on the show as maybe as much as I should have, but it s very important not to get lost in the details.
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It s not about the idiosyncrasies of high performers much of the time.
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It s about their habits and their patterns, but these people have developed these patterns and habits consciously over time.
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If it s something they developed that might sound like a bad habit but we re not sure why, it s important to ask what function does this serve?
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Don t just go out and sleep for four hours and eat one meal a day and think I m on my way to being a general or as productive as a general.
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These are things he would probably correct if given the chance.
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So unless you know why something is a part of someone s arsenal, don t adopt it for yourself.
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It s not about mirroring exactly what they do at all times.
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It s about taking the useful tools and modeling those instead.
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And I think we can really get lost in the details, chasing quirks and chasing gimmicks, and have no idea why, and actually be suffering as a result, simply because it s a little bit easier to say, all right, eat one meal a day, I got that, rather than looking at a harder concept, like the decision-making process that General McChrystal talked about on the show as well.
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And Daria Rose also pointed out, look, eating one meal a day, not healthy.
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This is something that is, this is science, right?
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It s not just, oh, high performers only need a little bit of food.
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There s science behind this.
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It s not good for you.
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Even he knows that.
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So don t get lost in the details just because they re easier to understand.
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Stop chasing gimmicks.
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It s the mindsets that are important.
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Hope y all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget, you can email us, friday at theartofcharm.com to get your questions answered on the air.
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A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at theartofcharm.com slash fmf95.
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Also, don t forget about the Art of Charm Challenge.
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You can text the word charmed.
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C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444.
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That s in the USA, and of course, everywhere else, you can go to theartofcharm.com.
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We re taking you through the steps to becoming a better networker, increasing your personal social capital, your charisma, and it s for both guys and gals, so check that out.
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Text the word charmed to 33444 in the USA.
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Everywhere else, go to theartofcharm.com slash challenge.
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By the way, I m speaking a lot as well.
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If you want to have me come speak to your organization, especially corporations, schools, things like that, reach out to me here, jordanattheartofcharm.com.
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Quick shout out to Rachel Whitney.
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She s on the acting grind down in Hollywood.
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Thanks for the connections, Chica.
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And Phil, who lost 140 pounds and shook off depression and credits his AOC experience with that, which is just amazing and really awesome to hear.
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Much love from the rest of the AOC family, Phil.
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And the third shout out goes to everybody for the new year and the holidays.
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I hope you all have an awesome time.
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Get a little bit of relaxing in.
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Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up.
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I d love to shout you out here.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com, including info on our live residential boot camps that we run every week here in LA.
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So if you really want to dig into this stuff and work on your AOC skills with us as your coaches, just check out bootcamp.theartofcharm.com.
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So stay charming, have a happy new year, get out there and connect and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to the Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.