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Welcome to the art of charm.
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I m your host Jordan Harbinger, and I m here with producer Jason DeFillippo here at the art of charm We may not have all the answers, but we certainly have some of the questions and of course on fan mail Friday Those questions come from you if you re new to the art of charm fan mail Friday is not my favorite place to start most of our content is more in-depth interview based longer format so you can go to the website and check out the best of and
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at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the fundamentals toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox, or you can just go download something with somebody s name attached, get an interview, and get a taste for what we do most of the time here at AOC.
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But at the toolbox page, that s where we ve got our fundamentals of reading body language and charismatic nonverbal communication, negotiation techniques, the science of attraction, networking and influence strategies, persuasion tactics, and everything else that we teach here at the Art of Charm.
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All right, Jason, what s on deck?
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Hello!
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I ve been listening to The Art of Charm for about a year.
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I d like to say a big thank you for all the work you do for free.
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Emphasis on free.
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Yes.
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I ve been a personal growth junkie all my life.
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I listen to podcasts about two hours every day on my way to work, and I recently started to worry that all the information that I consume doesn t change me at all.
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I kind of feel it does, and I feel better every day.
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But if you had asked me to tell you a specific thing from a podcast I was listening to last week, I m not sure I can even answer that.
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How can I be sure that I m not just wasting my time consuming all this information for nothing?
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Signed, Igers from Latvia.
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Hey, I got this from Latvia.
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I would tell you this.
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Look, you don t have to absorb everything.
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It s kind of like reading a book.
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I read tons of books, and even if I read them slowly, it doesn t seem to matter.
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Ideas from books and shows, the important ones, the big ideas, those are the ones that you may remember, and largely a lot of this gets absorbed by the subconscious, and I know that sounds like ridiculous.
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You re not absorbing through osmosis,
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You re absorbing ideas through the subconscious because you re reading about them, you re getting frameworks, you re hearing logical arguments about things, you re getting advice about other things.
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It doesn t mean you don t have to listen, but it does mean that things will jog in your memory when they re needed after enough repetition.
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And a lot of the ideas on the shows are going to have positive overlap, like you might hear
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something from Paul Bloom about empathy, and then you might hear something from Linda Carroll about narcissism, and then Duana Welsh might tie those two together in some other way, unintentionally, not even pulling from those shows, but just having similar ideas.
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So that s why we don t shy away from having similar topics or similar guests on the show, even a few months apart.
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So what I suggest is this.
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take one thing from each show and apply it to your life no matter how small and if that means reading the show notes after the podcast just to go oh yeah we did learn that oh yeah there was that that can kind of put a cap on things put a little veneer on everything it doesn t matter how small it is just take one thing it s all about that one percent better everyday stuff and less about the
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Oh my gosh, this one episode changed my entire life because of the 25 things to do in that or not to do in that.
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So take the pressure off yourself.
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The show is supposed to be fun, I m having fun.
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It s edutainment, it s not hardcore data, it s not a college course with a bunch of statistics.
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We love having you here, so enjoy yourself.
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All right, next up.
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Hi Jordan, I unsubscribed from your podcast today.
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You rat bastard.
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And, as a student of marketing myself, I thought I would be only right to tell you why.
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This isn t supposed to be scathing, so I hope it doesn t frustrate you or hurt your feelings.
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Here s what led me personally to unsubscribe.
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Number one, too much content, comma, not enough content.
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When I first started listening to the podcast, recommended to me by my girlfriend, by the way, it was very rich in content.
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Despite the cheesy title, you discussed interesting and enlightening topics.
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The episode on how to start a revolution I found particularly interesting, even though that s not your usual area.
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But after a while, the material itself seemed to thin out.
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I would pick an episode, and it would be somebody promoting a book containing ideas that were far from revolutionary.
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You didn t slow down the production, so it became riskier and riskier to invest my time in the episodes.
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So the episodes piled up, and the last time I checked, I had something like 60 episodes to play.
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Number two, the Art of Charm ads.
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The ads where you say, don t take it from me, hear it from one of my satisfied customers.
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Well, they seem contrived and it s really frustrating.
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The chap in the ad doesn t seem like a genuine customer.
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He sounds like a robot inculcated into the Jordanic cult.
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I know these ads may be motivated by the psychology of social proof or whatever, but they just don t work for me.
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Sorry, if they were contrived, it would sound a hell of a lot better.
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Yeah, no kidding.
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Anyway, I hope this helps you in tailoring your content to grow more.
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Best of luck, respectfully, Sam.
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Yeah, I think if the ads were contrived, they would sound better.
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I think you re right about that, Jason.
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No doubt.
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Yeah.
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I mean, look, when I get these, I really appreciate them.
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It does sting a little bit.
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But I would say, I think I respectfully disagree with a lot of this here.
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Without attacking Sam, seems like a good guy.
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I love the fact that he took the time to write this in.
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But there s a balance between a show
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and a presentation that s merely content, which is maybe the function of Minnesota Monday, FML Friday, and things like that.
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So, I don t know, it s hard to say.
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Maybe Sam s looking for something else that s just like, do this, do this, do this, do this, do this, and da-da-da-da, internet marketing, and we don t really do that.
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It seems like maybe he is looking for something else.
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However, I would say, given your other interests,
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Sam had that I asked in a follow-up email.
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It seems like AOC is a great fit for him.
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He listens to Freakonomics, he listens to Hidden Brain.
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So I m a little confused, but I always hate to lose a fan, so I hope you come back to us, Sam.
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If not, just now know that I can talk to your girlfriend and you ll never know what I m saying to her on the show.
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because she recommended it and she listens to it.
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His girlfriend, by the way, is Eileen Ng, and she s from Melbourne, Australia.
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So, hey Eileen, how you doing?
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But really, I do get confused when I see stuff like this, because I just think, when I look at our show, Jason, I see a ton of content that is quite dense.
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I mean, it s not boring in my opinion, I mean, we re here having fun, but
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I wouldn t exactly say like, oh, Paul Bloom, light on content.
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Ah, General McChrystal, too light on content.
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I just don t get that argument.
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I really disagree with it, and I usually hear the opposite, so I m not exactly sure.
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I almost think that maybe he heard one episode and went, oh, I didn t really like that, and then just saw them piling up and got frustrated with himself for not investing the time.
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and unsubscribe, because very rarely do we get complaints about the idea that we don t have enough content, but we have too many shows.
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I get the idea that there s a lot of shows, but I don t think there s any episode where we re like, oh yeah, just promote your book and we ll see you later.
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I mean, that s like the opposite of what we do here.
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Yeah, my job is so that people that have a book actually have content and they don t get to come on the show unless they have content.
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That s why I m here.
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And we almost never even mention the book except when I m talking because I ve read the book.
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So I m not sure what s going on here but I mean it sounds like even his girlfriend isn t sure because she recommended the show to him thinking he would love it and she still listens so I don t know.
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Not sure what to make of that but I do love hearing from people who don t like the show for a specific reason instead of just like the one guys who write in like this is stupid.
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I don t care about that but I want to hear reasoned arguments about
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why people might unsubscribe or stop listening, and if it s just because they want a certain thing, I can then make the decision with you, Jason, whether or not we re going in the right direction.
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I personally am very hesitant to steer the ship differently based on what I think is a lack of perception or a mistaken perception, as opposed to a genuine fan saying, hey, FYI, I liked this better.
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Which I think is more helpful, but thanks Sam for writing in much respect for letting us know why you left And I hope you come back because if you re listening to those other shows I think you re definitely missing out on not listening to AOC, but that s just my biased opinion
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All right, next up, Dear Jordan, you ve mentioned about how when you were younger, you wiretapped, skipped school, did some social engineering stuff.
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That s a lot for a teenager.
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I assume that aside from that, you must have gotten into more trouble as well.
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How come you never talk about that stuff?
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It seems like it s only fair to tell the other side of the story.
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Signed, Criminally Curious.
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Okay, fair enough.
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Now look, mostly I was a nerd, but I will trickle out some stories here one at a time.
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Now let s see, a while ago, and also in high school, that s what I mean by a while, a long while ago, I was dating this girl, she was at another high school,
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She couldn t hang out this one night because she had Beastie Boys tickets, and I knew that to be the case.
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And I borrowed the tickets from her, and she said, if you don t bring them back, I m gonna kill you.
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And I scanned them on a really high-quality scanner.
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And I...
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did this much far in advance, I did this.
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And I scanned another set of tickets to, I think, like a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert, which was earlier than that one.
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And I remember going to what I thought was the Red Hot Chili Peppers concert at this place called Pine Knob back in Michigan.
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It s called something else now, like DTE Arena or whatever.
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And I went there and I noticed the whole arena, the whole outdoor area was like filled with these middle-aged African-American women.
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I thought, wait a minute, this is such a weird crowd for Red Hot Chili Peppers.
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And the reason I did this, of course, was to test my ability to create fake concert tickets.
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And I thought, this is gonna be amazing.
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And one of these women, she said, oh, you cute.
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I ma have one more margarita and I ma come get you.
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And I remember just thinking, this is such an outside my comfort zone type of experience.
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But we ended up getting into that concert.
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That was the Four Tops, by the way.
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We d accidentally walked into a Four Tops concert and not the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
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Hence all the middle-aged African American women everywhere.
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Whoopsie.
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I know, but we realized, oh my god, this stuff works, right?
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So we scanned the BC Boys tickets, a bunch of other types of tickets.
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I even copied the perforation with a knife on these color printouts that we printed on these super high quality photo printers.
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This goes in line with our letter from last week about white privilege.
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Like, I m sitting here with my buddy who s got a professional photo printer.
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His dad was a judge, and he s like, look, you need to do this to make it more realistic.
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And he goes, by the way, don t get caught, because I will throw the book at you
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for this if you end up in my courtroom.
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The judge was giving you tips on how to make fake tickets?
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I mean, he was just like, don t use that, but yeah, he was there, and I just thought like, oh God, talk about the privilege from last week s Fan Mail Friday.
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But it was really funny, and yeah, at the time, we just thought, this is so cool, I mean, worst case scenario, we re gonna get kicked out, but this outdoor venues like that were a non-issue, because you had seats in the pavilion, but nobody bought those, they were more expensive, so you had lawn seats, so once you re in, you re in.
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No one s going to find you.
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No one s going to be able to find where you are with those tickets.
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So we went to a ton of concerts back in the day because my buddy had a photo printer and we used the same thing to make IDs.
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I mean, we were loaded with trouble.
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The only thing that kept kept us alive.
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You re lucky you did not get caught with one of those IDs.
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Oh, tell me about it.
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You would have gone to jail instantly.
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Oh, yeah, of course.
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And a lot of the things that we did with them were not so bad, basically.
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It doesn t matter.
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You get caught with it.
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That s the idea itself is a felony.
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Yeah.
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No, I mean, we the reason I m not dead right now is because we use the ideas to, like, buy wine coolers and stuff like that.
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Bartles and James, thank you for your support.
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for us that way, and the concert tickets were kind of fun and cool, and you d show up, and your girlfriend who s saved up for the whole summer for Beastie Boys tickets would be there, and you re like, hey, what s up?
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And she s just like, oh my God, you know, so I did a lot of that stuff, but I really didn t do a lot of the serious stuff like I talked about before, the wiretapping, some of the social engineering stuff.
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I had a couple other instances, but I ll do the drip method on the stories of how bad I was when I was a teenager,
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Yeah, fair enough.
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It s not fair for me to just tell the stuff where I exhibited a lot of growth.
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I did a lot of crappy stuff too that I should probably throw in here just to round out the picture.
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We could have used you back at Kinko s.
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Me and Shownote s Bob, we worked at Kinko s for two years and we ran millions of dollars worth of equipment and you would have fit right in with us back then.
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I mean, I definitely had some 4 a.m.
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nights at Kinko s where I was like, hi, can you help me copy a photo and laminate it with a hard laminate?
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And can you shove this seal of the state of Michigan underneath the laminate while you re pushing it down?
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And the guy s just like, yeah, for 50 more dollars I can.
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And I m like, you got it, chief.
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Well, here s my favorite Valentine s Day story.
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Girl calls in.
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It s about one in the morning.
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She calls in and says, hey, can I come in and take a copy of my butt?
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And I m like, well, you know, the logistics play in in my head.
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I m like, well, I don t know how big she is.
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She might break the glass.
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So I m like, no.
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And then she s like, well, can I take a copy of my boobs?
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I m like, sure.
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And of course, because she s not going to break the glass with those unless they re epic.
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But well, bring some Windex.
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That s all I m saying.
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Sure, you can just bring some Windex.
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Exactly.
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We still got to use those machines after we re done, man.
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This went downhill fast.
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Let s go to the next question here.
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Hi, Jordan.
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I ve listened to your podcast for a few years now and there s no question it helped me get both a new job and my first girlfriend, both of which happened just about three years ago.
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My girlfriend is great.
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We have a similar sense of humor and like doing a lot of the same things, although I try to keep fit and active, whereas she is somewhat of a homebody.
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She says she needs to go for runs or would like to do sports together, but when it comes down to it, it never happens.
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Recently, she stopped taking birth control pills due to it giving her mood swings and giving her more of an appetite.
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Since then, she s lost weight.
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She was very slim before and now even more so.
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She s aware of this, but what she hopefully isn t aware of is that it s made me less physically attracted to her.
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She has low self-confidence already, and I don t want to make her feel worse about herself.
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She s pretty, but when it comes down to it, I m not super excited about seeing her naked, which is an obvious problem.
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I ve also started to find myself being attracted to other women.
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It s more lust than anything else, and I wonder if it s a bit of FOMO given that this is my first relationship.
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My girlfriend has had relationships before and had much more of an idea what she wanted going into this relationship than I did.
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She was first to say I love you by quite some distance, was first to suggest moving in together, and now frequently brings up marriage, children, and how she isn t getting any younger.
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I m 29 and she s 31.
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I m feeling quite pressured to propose and start a family with her and it s clouding my judgment.
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Am I doing it for her or for me?
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After all, I eventually said I love you back, and now we live together, so I m probably just being hesitant and indecisive about the other stuff, right?
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I m torn between the feeling that the grass is greener on the other side, and the feeling that I d be throwing something good away.
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On the one hand, there might be someone out there who shares the same interests as me, plus the desire to change themselves for the better, whether it be through sport or something else, and who I m more attracted to.
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On the other hand, no relationship is ever perfect.
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Probably.
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And maybe I m just giving up too easily or scared of the commitment or the FOMO.
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I can see myself having a family with my girlfriend and find myself thinking about kids more and more.
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But am I looking in the distance whilst ignoring what s right in front of me?
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Any advice would be much appreciated.
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Thanks.
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So, so, so confused.
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Well, this is a tough one because obviously we can t make the decision whether or not you should stay with your girlfriend.
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I will say you are right about the fact that no relationship is ever perfect and that just as a guy, me and every guy that I know, we re always kind of like, is the grass greener on the other side?
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But it comes down to whether or not
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you really believe that it is or you also realize that the grass is greener for every single person.
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And that s just the sort of the way that biology works, especially from a male standpoint, where we re kind of not necessarily and this is controversial, wired for long term
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lifelong monogamy.
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It doesn t mean we shouldn t do it.
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It doesn t mean it won t work for us.
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It doesn t mean it s going to be a problem.
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It just means that, especially at age 29, you re going to be having that type of thought.
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I would say, though, that for me, when I was 29, I was nowhere near ready to settle down.
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So it sounds like you might be in a different window of life than your girlfriend who s 31.
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and women tend to get in that window of life where they want to have kids earlier because of pure and simple biology.
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You will always, or at least I should say in my experience and in the experience of everyone I ve ever asked about this type of question, you will always have lust.
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It s normal.
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It s human, anyone who tells you otherwise has some sort of agenda, I ll leave it at that.
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But you ll always have to compromise in relationships, but you won t have to settle, right?
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I want to say that there s a big difference between compromising, right?
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There s a difference between compromising your core values, things you really value, things that you need in your life, that you have to have.
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If you compromise your core values, that is settling.
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If you re compromising on other things, well, I want to live in Arizona and
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You kind of like living near a bigger body of water because you like water sports.
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That s compromise.
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That s fine.
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You ll survive it.
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But you never want to compromise core values.
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You never want to settle.
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You need to list out your core values.
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Do it on paper.
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If this means going out and doing active stuff instead of being a homebody and you want that person to go with you all the time.
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You like camping and you re always doing that.
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or maybe you want kids and the other person doesn t, or you don t and they do, those are core values.
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Religion, for most people, is a core value.
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Chemistry, that stuff is tricky, but it has to exist at some level, even if the fire doesn t burn as hot as it did before.
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So I wouldn t worry about that as much, but I would definitely say that if you re 29 and you re thinking, ugh, I don t really want to sleep with my girlfriend because she s too X, Y, Z, that s a big problem.
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There s one thing to go, well, you know, we ve been together for five years, and the sex is the sex, and that s what it is, and it s nice and fun, but it s not necessarily always fresh and new, and that s life.
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That s one thing, but if you re thinking, oh, I hope she doesn t want to have sex later tonight, that s a problem.
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That s a big problem, because you guys aren t married.
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You should be in the prime of things right now.
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and it sounds like there might be some differences here that you really need to take into account.
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I m not going to do it for you, I can t, but I would list your core values and I would see how your relationship, not her, I would see how your relationship stacks up to those core values.
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Remember, you re not comparing her to what you want, you re comparing your relationship, your ideal relationship to what you want, and you re gonna, while realizing that you re never going to have your ideal relationship,
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in terms of every single thing, compromise is going to be there.
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However, you should never compromise on those core values.
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And the only way to know what those are is to list them out and think good and hard about what s core and what s something you re willing to compromise on and what s something you re not.
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Hope that helps.
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All right, last but not least.
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Hi Jordan, I ve been listening to your podcast for about a year now and I always hear informative things which I find very interesting.
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I love the diversity of different topics.
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I think you re an amazing interviewer and love your humor.
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I m from Toronto.
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Just wanted to say thank you and your team for the great podcast.
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It s definitely one of my favorites.
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So, when do guys usually say I love you to their significant other?
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And if it s okay to ask, when did you say I love you to Jen?
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I ve been together with my boyfriend for a little over a year now, and we ve not said I love you to each other.
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Not to compare him to my past relationships, but the guys that I was dating always said it to me first, although I never said I love you back.
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I just never really felt that I love someone, and I should only say it if I truly love them.
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I m 25 now, and he just turned 31.
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I like the relationship we re having.
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He s a really great guy, and I have strong feelings for him.
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But since he hasn t brought up the L word, I haven t said it either.
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Everything is still good, but it s been on my mind for some time and just wonder if he ll ever say it.
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Is he like me and just waiting for the other one to say it first?
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Or does he not take me seriously?
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I met his parents and have gone to their place a few times for dinner and they seem to be pretty fond of me and they even joke that we should get a bigger place together instead of me getting a one bedroom condo.
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Is this a red flag?
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Do you think he s just not the I love you kind of person or is he planning on breaking up with me?
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Hope to hear from you soon.
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Sincerely, LoveMeNot.
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Yikes.
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Well, this is also a really tricky relationship question, of course, and given the ages that people are, this thing can vary so much with stages of life.
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But I would say this is not necessarily a red flag, at least not yet, not based on the information above.
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And I think this could be a cultural thing.
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He could be from a conservative culture.
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He could be from an East Asian culture.
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There s a lot of things that could come into play here.
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It could also be a vulnerability thing.
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He could have issues around being vulnerable.
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Maybe in his mind, the woman in the relationship has always said this first.
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Maybe he s never had a serious relationship before.
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Maybe he s thinking the exact same thing that you re thinking.
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Maybe he doesn t want to be rejected if he says it because he s not sure how you re going to feel.
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I could go on and on here, but you need to talk to him about this.
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Tell him your feelings for him.
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And if he has the same feelings, you ll both be hugely relieved.
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But if he doesn t, then you get to know now instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop.
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Because right now, she s kind of existing in this sort of, I don t know what s gonna happen, what s the next thing that s gonna happen.
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You gotta rip off that band-aid.
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You might be pleasantly surprised at what you find underneath, but at the very least, you won t be unpleasantly surprised at some random point in the future where everything just suddenly implodes for some reason.
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and he can t take it anymore, and he never loved you, and blah, blah, blah, and it s over.
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It s always better to get this stuff out in the open.
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Even if it s a bit tough to be vulnerable first and open the discussion, it s gonna pay off dividends later on to get all this stuff out on one page.
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And additionally, it sets a good precedent for you to talk about feelings, talk about vulnerability, and it can take your relationship to another level.
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Not just you guys telling each other that you love each other, but being able to put feelings out there without fear of rejection
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and showing vulnerability, that s kind of the foundation of every really successful and happy relationship that I know.
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And so you should definitely seek to do that.
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And if it doesn t work out, it s not, oh, it wasn t meant to be, but it definitely isn t a good fit for you if that s where you are in your life and how you decide to deal with feelings and issues like this inside your relationship.
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Hope y all enjoyed today s show.
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Don t forget, you can email us, fridayattheartofcharm.com to get your questions answered on the air.
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A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at theartofcharm.com slash FMF for Fan Mail Friday 99.
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Also, don t forget about the AOC Challenge.
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We are gonna take you step by step at making better personal connections, better professional connections, becoming a better networker, increasing your personal social capital and your charisma, and it s for both guys and gals, so check that out.
2
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Text the word charmed.
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C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444.
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That s here in the States.
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Anywhere else, just go to theartofcharm.com slash challenge for that.
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And, of course, I m speaking here and there.
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If you want me to speak at your organization, your school, email me directly, Jordan at theartofcharm.com.
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Quick shout-out to Tristan in Lvov, Ukraine, who uses what he s hearing on AOC to teach students and help them find careers.
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Will
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Bezbachenko, I think, in Kyrgyzstan.
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That s like the second shout-out in a row, maybe just this month, to Kyrgyzstan.
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Anyway, Will s on his Fulbright over there pumping some AOC in his free time on speedy Kyrgyz internet.
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Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up.
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I d love to shout you out here.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com, including info on our live residential boot camp that we run every week here in LA.
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If you really want to dig into this stuff, work on your AOC skills with us as your coaches.
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Check it out, bootcamp.theartofcharm.com.
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Now stay charming, get out there and connect, and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to the Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.