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Time for Fan Mail Fridays.
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I m your host, Jordan Harbinger.
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I m here with producer Jason DeFilippo.
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We ll be answering your questions and dropping some knowledge and feedback to help you kick the weekend off, right?
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, this isn t the best place to start.
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Most of our content is more in-depth and longer format, so check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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There we ve got the fundamentals of body language, nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, and everything else we teach here at The Art of Charm.
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We ll send all that to your inbox.
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If you text CHARMED, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D, to 33444 in the USA, or if you re not in the USA, go to theartofcharm.com.
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All right, let s cut to it.
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Hi Jordan and the rest of The Art of Charm team.
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Is it fair to assess someone s character and integrity from a small incident that appears to be inconsequential?
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I bumped into a friend from college, we caught up, and decided to go see a football game together.
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He bought the tickets in advance and told me I owed him $55.
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I decided to give him $60, an extra $5, to cover taxes and the hassle of buying the tickets.
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When I gave him the $60, he didn t offer any change or acknowledge that I even paid him extra.
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Although I was planning to let him keep the $5, I thought it was a bit odd because most of my friends offer change or acknowledgement out of common courtesy.
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Anyways, that wasn t the problem.
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What bugged me was when he gave me the ticket, only then did I realize that the actual ticket price was only $45.
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It looks like he already added an extra $10 on top of the ticket price without mentioning.
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Mathematically, I paid him $15 more than the actual ticket price.
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I didn t want to fret about it, since it s not a huge amount, and I didn t want to make the situation awkward.
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But after some thought, I felt a bit ripped off for being misinformed of the actual price on the ticket.
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I m wondering if it s fair to use this situation as a judgment call on my friend s character.
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Could this be an indication of bigger things to come?
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Especially when the stakes are higher, like if I decided to ever get into business with him one day.
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Or am I just overanalyzing the situation?
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Thank you, LeBron.
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Well, LeBron, on this one, very timely name, by the way.
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I think it s his real name, because I got this a long time ago.
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I think a lot of times tickets come with service fees, so let s not jump to the conclusion that he purposely ripped you off.
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I mean, if he made money off of you on this, then yes, this indicates how he treats money and how he treats his friends, which are both very important topics that are very personal.
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Never go into business with a person who tries to make money off their friends in this way.
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It s not a way that s fully in integrity, right?
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It s kind of rounding up, thinking, hmm, I ll make a little bit on the side.
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I would say you don t really have enough information to make this judgment call right now.
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If you hang out with them again, maybe go for a meal and see what happens.
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I have friends go through AOC boot camps, but I don t mark the price up higher just because I know those people.
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Trust me, it s kind of despicable.
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So I would say, look, there s a good chance there were taxes and fees on top of the printed price on the ticket.
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You really don t know.
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But anytime you see the way people deal with money, especially when it comes to their friends, in my opinion, it always pays to be more generous with your friends.
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So when you see people that don t do that or who don t offer to pay or who mark things up because they re
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thinking maybe they re gonna pull one over.
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This is their operating system.
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It s very indicative of their operating system, and it s not just limited to your friends.
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You can see this with family members.
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You can see this with significant others.
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It is part of your programming that you can change, but it is part of your programming, and so don t expect this to go away either in your relationships or your friendships with other people.
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And I just want to throw in here, I used to go see the LA Kings all the time down in Los Angeles.
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And the ticket price on the ticket does not actually reflect the service fees.
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Those are on the receipt.
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So all of the service fees are on the receipt.
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What you re seeing on the ticket is the actual ticket price.
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So he very well probably paid.
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the the fees that go along with that ticket and just you don t get to see that on the ticket itself.
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That s just one of those common things that they actually do.
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So, you know, yeah, you can keep an eye on them, I guess.
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But don t I wouldn t jump to conclusions on this one just because they generally don t put service fees on the actual ticket itself.
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Yeah, it s like an airplane ticket where they re like, look, this fee s only $99.
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Oh, gasoline.
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Oh, and there s taxes.
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Oh, and there s the airport fee, so it ends up being $150.
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You know, the airlines are kind of ripping you off by burying that, but, you know, your friend should probably mention that.
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On the other hand, he might have assumed, well, he probably knows about this, and it s...
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I m not gonna strut over $3 or whatever the difference ends up being.
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That s reasonable.
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We don t have enough information to assess that right now.
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So I would say, look, don t break the friendship over it, but if you go out for meals and he doesn t try to pay or he says, well, I didn t have a Coke, so I m gonna pay less than you, then you re dealing with somebody who is gonna be a huge pain in the future.
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All right, next one.
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Hey there, Jordan.
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On a recent podcast, you shared a great idea about building a band of brothers and about being the kind of person other people would want in their group.
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I wonder about where this band turns into the Old Boys Network.
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I left a job last year at a great small company run by passionate people.
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Unfortunately, the tight-knit band that started the company became pretty insular.
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It went beyond being closed to outside ideas and stretched to basically mocking or bad-mouthing people that weren t part of their immediate circle.
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I worked closely with one member who I believed was doing things that were damaging to the company and to my branch.
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When my contract was up for renewal, I decided not to take it and I left.
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The branch I was part of immediately fell apart and was forced to close under the leadership of this particular member of the inner circle.
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It s a shame because most of the people I m talking about are really passionate, hardworking people with tons of good qualities.
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How do I, or others like me, keep my own band of brothers from turning into a closed group, or what I would call an old boys network?
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And how do we handle a group like that if we re the new employee at a new company?
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Thank you again for all the content.
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I listened to your podcast as I walked to work along this quiet little river here in Japan.
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I ve got a great view of Mount Fuji most days, and it s a great time in my day to clear my head and let some of the amazing new ideas in.
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Mike.
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That s pretty cool.
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It s very, it s very Japanese to listen to the show while walking along a quiet river.
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It s kind of like some kind of with a mountain in the background.
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Yeah, I think this is an important question, though.
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Look, you ve got to realize the strength
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of your network is in the expansion of that same network.
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Now this comes down to leadership and the branch leadership was obviously pretty poor there if they weren t accepting of new ideas, but we talk about this a lot in Social Capital.
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We ve got a whole course on this at AOC as well, but we ve mentioned this a lot on the show where you have to constantly be giving
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ABG, right, instead of ABC always be closing, it s ABG always be giving.
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You ve gotta realize the strength of the network is in the expansion, the growth of that circles.
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And you can t do that if you ve got that old boys network.
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If you re going to be inside a group, you ve gotta make sure, along with others, that it s not closed.
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and if other people don t seem open to it, then you need to take leadership of helping with that expansion.
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And once people see the value of that, when they see, oh, when we bring new people in with new ideas, things get better, instead of having that sort of old boys bad-mouthing people who weren t in their circle.
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Look, humans are sort of, I guess, essentially tribal, especially us guys.
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We can be that way at work and competitive, and we just need to realize that that s not the best way to actually compete.
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The best way to compete is to have the strongest team, not the smallest, tightest, knit team, especially when it comes to corporations and things like that.
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You ve got to enforce that expansion policy.
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You ve got to enforce that open mind.
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Otherwise, you re on a sinking ship, and you saw this yourself when the branch had to close due to poor leadership.
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Alright, next question.
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Dear Jordan, where do you stand on quote unquote the power of positive thinking?
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Is it just a gimmick or does it really work?
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I lean toward thinking that it s a gimmick, but I m waiting to hear your thoughts on the matter.
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Signed, ForTheNegativeYouth.
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Hey Negative, you remind me of a friend of mine.
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He s grumpy, grouchy, got a rain cloud permanently hanging over his grimacing mug.
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But even he agrees with me on this.
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It s not about the power of positive thinking.
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It s about the power of positive actions.
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What I mean is that thinking good thoughts, although pleasant at times, it has very little actual effect on the real world.
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What does have real effect, however, are actions.
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These can be as simple as smiling or having better posture, which studies show help you feel more confident.
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What s more, if you act as if or fake it until you become it, it s not a theory anymore.
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It s scientific fact.
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And what this means is that if you cultivate the behaviors you re trying to emulate, you will eventually become that guy.
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And if you don t believe me, try it for a month and see where it goes.
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Look, I m all for gratitude and for having that positive vibe, but it s not all you have to do.
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You do have to take action and make it work.
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Even gratitude isn t just a thought exercise.
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That s why people tell you to write it down, to verbalize it.
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There s a lot more than just thinking positive thoughts if you want to make real strides.
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Hope that helps.
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Do keep me posted on how this works for you, because I m a skeptic.
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You ve seen this before.
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I don t love the whole, oh, just think positive and everything will be OK.
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But I am all about actions and thought change and behavior change.
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And that s what we teach here at AOC.
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Hey, AOC.
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So I ve been having this issue in the back of my mind for a little while.
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And after listening to Fan Mail Friday No.
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60, I thought you would be a great resource to get
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second opinion from.
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I m excited to be going back to college in the fall, so planning for that has been fun and I m very optimistic about the future.
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I broke up with my previous girlfriend a few years ago and it took me a long time to get over her.
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Gratefully, I feel like I dealt with those locked up emotions earlier this year, got over her, and I ve been confident enough to try going on dates and meeting new women.
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I m a tad less desperate than I was earlier this year, but I still have my moments of loneliness and I just miss being close to someone, physically and emotionally.
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I want to find a girl to date now, but the thing is, I know I ll be leaving the area for school in about 3 months.
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I don t want to start anything and have to break it off after just getting comfortable.
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And on the issue of finding a girl to date, I don t want to lower my standards just to get someone who will date me right away for a short period.
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I still want my ideal girlfriend, but I can t promise anything long term.
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There s this girl I ve been talking to that I really like, but she isn t currently living in the same area as me and will only be geographically close for less than a month before I need to leave.
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What should I do?
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Should I look for a girl to date that is geographically close to me and will be available for the next three months, but then break it off with her, possibly hurting each other s feelings and ending in heartbreak?
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Should I hang onto this girl I ve been talking to that s far away and try to work something out only for the time we have together?
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Or should I just play it safe and stay single until I move back to school?
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Thanks a ton.
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Hopeful but hesitant.
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Hey Hopeful.
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It s okay to date for 30 minutes or for 30 years as long as both parties know the score.
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You cannot hide the ball.
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You ve got to manage expectations.
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You re obviously concerned for feelings, which is good.
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Just be honest with people that you date and tell them that you re moving.
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You re young by the look of this letter, so getting life experience right now is much more important than just finding the one, etc.
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So just make sure everybody knows the score, you re not gonna spring the move on somebody later and hurt their feelings.
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But I see no problem in having short-term flings, especially when you re in your 20s, 30s, whatever.
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As long as expectations are managed, it s all good.
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Just bear in mind, no matter what happens, if you date someone for a while and it goes well, after three months and you move, you re gonna end up with feelings no matter what.
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And you re gonna have to deal with that.
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Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
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They say if you do what you love, you never work a day in your life.
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But if you re an entrepreneur, you know the hard work that comes with it.
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That s why you need Kajabi.
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Kajabi makes it easy to run your entire online business from one platform so you can focus on what you love, creating.
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Kajabi is the ultimate all-in-one platform that helps creators and entrepreneurs build successful online businesses by unlocking predictable recurring revenue.
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No matter your niche, Kajabi makes it easy to turn your skills, passions, and experiences into enriching online courses, exclusive membership sites, subscription podcasts, thriving communities, personalized coaching, and more.
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The best part, Kajabi doesn t cut into your revenue because everything is owned and controlled by you.
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So keep 100% of what you earn.
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And with Kajabi, you also get robust analytics, easy payment options, email marketing tools, and customizable website templates, all built in.
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You don t even need a huge audience to make sustainable income.
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There are thousands of creators on Kajabi making six and seven figures with less than 50,000 followers.
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Right now, Kajabi is offering a free 30-day trial to start your business.
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If you go to kajabi.com slash charm, that s K-A-J-A-B-I.com slash charm.
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Go to kajabi.com slash charm and join the creators and entrepreneurs who have made over $7 billion.
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Hey, Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
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Winning is an everyday mindset, and Craig Robinson and John Calipari are here to help.
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On Ways to Win podcast, Craig and Coach Cal use their on-court wisdom to solve your off-court problems.
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Whether it s trouble at home or a workplace dilemma, the coaches will help you find a winning formula for success.
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You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
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Hi Jordan, my question revolves around freelancing.
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I m an event planner and fundraising consultant.
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I work almost exclusively with non-profit organizations to plan and execute annual fundraising galas.
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As my business has grown, I ve been asked if I have plans to expand and friends joke that if I m ever hiring, that they want to work for me.
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I ve considered expanding the business, but have decided to keep things as they are for multiple reasons.
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I bootstrap my company and want to be mindful of the financial implications of taking on full or part-time employees.
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I m realistic about the cash flow situation of an industry that ebbs and flows.
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It s normal for me to go from Thanksgiving to Valentine s Day with no events and no income other than some monthly retainers, and I know my personal preferences when it comes to work style.
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At the moment, I m a one-woman shop, but with 10-12 people on a list that I can call in for a night of assistance at any event.
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And right now, that business model works for me.
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Last year, I worked on 27 galas, and of those, only 5 required me to hire additional staff to flush out registration positions that couldn t be filled by the client s staff or volunteers.
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I don t have enough work to keep someone employed year round unless I actively grow the business and that s just not where my focus is right now.
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My question is, when someone refers to me as a freelancer, how do I respond without sounding overly negative?
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This happens occasionally, usually from a friend or other social acquaintance, and something about being referred to as a freelancer always rubs me the wrong way.
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To be clear, I have no issue with freelancing in general.
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I worked in the performing arts for years and have lots of artists and teacher friends who freelance.
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It s just not how I see myself.
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I ve all the paperwork in place to establish my corporate identity, insurance, licensing, separate bank accounts, all the things you do when you set up a company.
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I m certified with the Women s Business Enterprise National Council as a woman-owned small business.
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I cringe at words like solopreneur and haven t given myself a title of CEO because of my structure, but I do think of myself as a small business owner.
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So when someone says something to me like, oh, I don t know how you do it, I could never be a freelancer.
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I find myself wanting to check them and explain that I run a company, but I always struggle with how to say it and not come across sounding like a jerk.
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It seems that without a roster of year-round, full or part-time employees, somehow I m not deemed as being a legitimate business.
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Am I overreacting?
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Or is this an issue that other people encounter?
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I love what I do and have been happier in the last four years than ever before.
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I m definitely suited to being my own boss and I d love to hear your thoughts.
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Thanks, Beth.
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That might get them asking, what company?
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And then you can explain what the heck you do to these uneducated punks.
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But seriously, I feel your pain.
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Last week, my aunt actually said, I seriously don t even get what you do and why anyone would give you money for it.
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I almost told her I was considering paying off her mortgage with last month s paycheck, but of course I refrained.
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You know, it s hard to...
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It s hard to keep your own ego in check even when people you love that have known you your whole life still refuse to understand what it is we do around here.
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So I do get it, Beth, and I think phrasing it in this certain way will allow you to explain what you do without coming across as defensive.
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Hope you all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget you can email us, friday at theartofcharm.com, to get your questions answered on the air.
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A link to this blog post can be found at theartofcharm.com slash fmf68.
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Also, don t forget the Art of Charm Challenge.
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Text CHARMED, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444 in the USA.
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Or, if you re outside the US, go to theartofcharm.com.
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We ll take you step-by-step and help you become a better networker, better at making personal and professional connections, increasing your personal social capital and charisma, and it s for both guys and gals.
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So check that out.
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Text CHARMED, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D, to 33444 in the USA, or go to theartofcharm.com.
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Quick shout out to Gore, Sam, and his EDC, that s Electric Daisy Carnival, who recognized me in the security line at the venue with 140,000 plus other people, and then they ran into Jonah Hill.
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What a great time.
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I hope you guys had as much fun as I did.
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What a great party.
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Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up and I ll shout you out.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com.
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Now stay charming, get out there and connect, and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to the Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.