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Most of us have either experienced a breakup, are currently going through a breakup, or will at some point in the future experience a breakup.
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Breakups are almost an inevitable part of life.
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But I can t say that because there are a few people out there
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who never have to go through a breakup.
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They meet their first love, and then they marry their first love, and then they die with their first love, and it s just beautiful, and everyone lives happily ever after, except, you know, inevitably, there is death.
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Even with some, I bet they ve died at the same time.
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Some people are just lucky, okay?
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They get to go through their life without romantic heartbreak.
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I don t know if I envy those people, though, because I do think that breakups, despite how fucking awful they are, they can be really transformative, often in a positive way, long term.
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They really teach you shit about yourself and they are incredible opportunities for growth.
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So today we re talking about breakups.
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Specifically, I m going to be giving breakup advice.
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And as always, I m not particularly qualified.
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Okay.
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I m 22 years old.
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I ve gone through a handful of breakups throughout my life.
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Not a lot.
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Okay.
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And actually one of them was weird because neither of us really liked each other.
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So neither of us were sad and it didn t really feel like a breakup.
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It was like, Oh, okay.
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Thank God this is over.
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Okay.
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Wait, thank God.
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Okay.
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Bye.
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And like never shed a tear about it.
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That was bizarre and unusual, but I ve gone through a handful of real ones as well.
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And let me tell you, I ve learned a lot.
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And what I will say is it does get easier.
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I remember when I was going through my first breakup, everybody was telling me, Emma, this is the worst one.
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And I think it s true.
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My first breakup was literally a catastrophe.
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It was a catastrophe.
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I ve never felt pain like that.
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Now, I m fortunate that I had never felt pain like that.
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That s actually a blessing because, you know, there are things that rival the pain of a breakup, many things.
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I was just fortunate to have never experienced something as painful as that.
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I am not kidding.
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It was the most painful thing I ve ever experienced.
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That s not true, but like, that s not true now.
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But at the time it was true.
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It was one of the most catastrophic experiences in my life thus far.
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And that sounds dramatic, but it s true.
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Since then, I think it s gotten easier.
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And I think the reason why is because now I know that I can feel the same feeling twice.
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When you fall in love for the first time, you re like, okay, this is never going to happen again.
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I m never going to feel this way towards someone again.
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And then when you re able to prove that wrong and you find somebody else,
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And you find out, wait a minute, I can feel this again.
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Then it hurts less.
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But don t be mistaken.
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No breakups are fun.
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Okay.
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None of them are fun.
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I just think that the first one is the worst.
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Okay.
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That s all I m saying here.
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I m going to be doing multiple episodes of breakup advice.
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This is episode one, where I m going to be talking about the period before the breakup, the breakup itself, and then the week or two following the breakup.
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I m going to be giving advice for that chunk of the timeline.
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So stay tuned for more breakup advice because it s coming.
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And before I get started into the advice, I have to say, this advice is for safe, harmless, romantic relationships.
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For advice on toxic and dangerous relationships, contact professionals.
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Stop listening to this right now and contact a professional.
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All right, let s talk about before the breakup happens, because this is a crucial, tense, weird period of time that is often overlooked when discussing breakup advice.
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There is a lot of misery that comes with this time.
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So much ruminating, so much overthinking.
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I d argue this is sort of when the breakup begins.
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I think a lot of us start processing a breakup before it even happens.
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You know, we feel that something s off.
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Maybe it s in ourselves.
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Maybe it s in our partner.
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And we start to feel pain already.
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Because we re like, this is disappearing.
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You start to feel it slipping between your fingers.
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You re like, this relationship is dying and it s not fully dead yet, but it s dying and I can see it dying.
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And there s something brutal about that.
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When you re the person in the relationship who can tell that your partner wants to break up with you, it can be so easy to just keep the conversation within your own mind.
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Ask yourself, did I do something?
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Am I overreacting?
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Do they just not think I m pretty anymore?
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Should I change something about myself?
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Is there something I can do to revive this relationship?
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And you might start changing your behavior.
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You might even start changing what you look like.
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Obsessing over how you can be perfect to try to get this person back into it.
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You might stay up all night trying to figure it out.
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But the only way to know for sure is to bring it up.
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And I know it s scary when you re the person who still wants to be in the relationship and you can feel the other person slipping away.
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It can be so scary to bring it up because you re like, fuck, if I bring it up, if I initiate the conversation, then they probably will break up with me and I don t want them to break up with me.
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So I m just going to try to fix it without bringing it up.
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I ll tell you what, that s not gonna work.
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Stop speculating.
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Stop torturing yourself.
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Oh my God, I can t tell you how much I ve tortured myself in this way.
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I ve spent months of my life miserable, fucking miserable, just trying to figure out what was wrong, but being too afraid to just ask because I was like,
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This will be the end of the relationship if I ask.
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I ll bring it to the forefront of their mind and then they ll be like, oh, wait a minute.
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Yeah, I do want to break up with them.
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And then the breakup will happen, which is what ultimately you re trying to avoid if you re the one who wants to stay in it.
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I ll tell you this right now.
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You are harming yourself more by not bringing it up.
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You are better off breaking up and beginning your healing journey sooner than you are prolonging the situation by not asking what the fuck is up.
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So bring it up.
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Say, hey, something s off with you.
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I can t put a finger on it.
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I don t know what s going on.
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Did I do something wrong?
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Are you unhappy?
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What s happening?
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Bring it up.
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And I recommend, honestly, writing it down beforehand.
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Take notes on what you ve been picking up on.
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Be very clear with them about what you ve been experiencing.
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And at times you might bring it up and they ll say, nothing s wrong.
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I just am going through something else.
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And it ll open up a phenomenal conversation about what your partner is going through in their life that they haven t yet told you.
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But I don t know.
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I think a lot of times we underestimate our instincts.
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We can feel when shit s off.
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And so if your partner comes back at you and says, no, nothing s wrong with the relationship.
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It s all, it s like, it s me.
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It s just me.
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It s just me.
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Challenge that a little bit.
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Be like, are you sure though?
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Because this does feel personal.
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And if they re like, no, it s not personal at all, then say, can you be a good partner to me while going through what you re going through?
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You know, is there a way that we can meet in the middle?
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Don t take their answer at face value.
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If they re like, no, it s not you, it s me.
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Be like, okay, yeah, but I m unhappy in this relationship and I don t feel loved by you.
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So we need to figure some shit out.
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You re not treating me right.
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And you re going to either need to figure it out through working together with me or we need to end this.
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Sometimes the person who doesn t want to do the breaking up, in fact, wants to be in the relationship ends up having to do the breaking up because they feel so strongly that the other person isn t into it anymore.
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It ends up flipping on its head.
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Now, let s say you are the one who wants to break up with your partner.
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Okay, let s flip the script here now.
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Depending on the situation, I think the first step is to try to pinpoint the issues that you re experiencing in the relationship and try to figure out if they re fixable.
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Because a lot of times things can be worked through.
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And I think a lot of us, especially young people, expect relationships to be perfect.
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Like, the second the honeymoon phase is over, everyone s freaking out.
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They re like, wait a minute, the spark is gone.
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We don t love each other anymore.
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There s no more excitement.
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Sometimes we have bad days.
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This is not the romantic story that I ve always dreamt of.
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That s just kind of how relationships go.
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So it s important to ask yourself, why do you want to break up with them?
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Do you want to break up with them for some serious, serious reasons that are going to be really challenging to fix?
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Or is this just a normal part of being in a relationship and maybe it s worth working through?
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Or are you just not in a place to be in a relationship period?
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That s also an example of an unfixable sort of scenario.
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I think it s important to figure out why you want to break up with them.
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Really, really, really figure that out.
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Next, I think it s important to heavily consider what you re losing.
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When you re in a relationship, it can be so easy to take the thing that you ve built for granted.
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You have to ask yourself, would you rather make it work with them or possibly lose them forever?
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Because a misconception that people have is that, oh, I could just get them back.
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You can never rely on that.
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You don t know.
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It takes two to tango.
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When you break up with somebody, you re setting them free.
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And if you break up with somebody with the expectation that you could go back to them whenever you want, you re kind of lying to yourself.
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And on top of that, that s being insensitive with the other person s emotions.
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If you ultimately want to
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to get back together with them at some point.
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And that s sort of in the back of your head, like, oh, I could always fall back on this person.
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That s just unfair to them.
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You have to really, really, really put yourself in your own shoes if you were to lose them forever.
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Like, close your eyes and think about what it would feel like to never speak to them again.
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Is that something that you can handle?
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If it s not, then maybe you should work harder to fix what you have.
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Because you don t get to have your cake and eat it too in this life, okay?
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I ve learned this the hard way.
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Anytime in life I ve tried to have my cake and eat it too, I have been rudely reminded that it just doesn t work that way.
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It will always bite you in the ass.
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If you start to treat your partner badly as a result of pondering a breakup with them and it s just ruining your life to a point where you start to build resentment, you have lost your privileges to ponder any longer and now you have to communicate.
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If you start treating them like shit, nope, now you have to put it all out on the table because it s selfish otherwise.
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To be honest, they already probably feel it coming.
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When it comes to planning the breakup, I know it might sound ridiculous because it s like planning a fucking meeting or something or like scheduling when you re going to do your homework.
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I like it.
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It sounds insane to say, OK, now it s time to schedule the breakup.
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But no, I actually do think that this is crucial.
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We all have busy lives.
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We have work.
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We have school.
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We have commitments.
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And I truly recommend finding the right time to do it.
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You don t want to do it on a random Monday night when you have the whole work week ahead of you.
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Terrible idea because spoiler alert, you re going to be going through it and you want to have some space to go through it.
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So I recommend a Thursday, a Friday, a Saturday.
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I think those are the best days to do it.
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Now, sometimes a breakup happens and it comes out of nowhere.
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You know, it explodes out of a conversation on accident.
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You can t always control when you do your breakup.
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But if you re the person doing the breaking up and you have some control over when the conversation is going to happen, save it for a Thursday, Friday, Saturday, you know.
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Well, that s, I guess, if you have a traditional work week.
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All right.
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Now let s talk about the breakup conversation.
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The conversation itself is one of the worst conversations.
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No, I guess it s not one of the worst.
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There are worse conversations, far worse conversations that you can have in life.
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But wow, breakup conversations can be fucking brutal.
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And sometimes there are more than one of them, okay?
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There aren t always going to be just one singular breakup conversation.
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Sometimes you ll have two.
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Sometimes you ll have five.
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Sometimes that s what it takes in order to agree upon a decision.
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But whether you have one breakup conversation or you have six, this advice applies to all types of breakup conversations.
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Okay.
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Advice for both partners.
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Okay.
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Cause this hurts for both people.
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And I know this because I ve been on both sides of it.
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I ve broken up with somebody and I ve been broken up with, and I will tell you, it s easy to assume that being the person being broken up with hurts worse, but in a weird way, they can both hurt equally.
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And I was shocked by that.
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I don t know.
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My first breakup I was broken up with.
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So that s sort of how I started it out.
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And I was like, Oh my God, you know, I wish I was the one doing the breaking up.
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It just seems so much easier.
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But I have now had experiences that have changed my perspective.
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Okay.
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It hurts for both people.
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I do think that it usually hurts worse to be broken up with because you feel so out of control.
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But I think that there are a lot of times when both parties are almost hurting equally.
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You should never assume that the person doing the breaking up is hurting less.
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It s not necessarily true.
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So during the breakup conversation, both partners should allow themselves to be emotional.
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Let the sadness come out.
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Let the heartbreak come out.
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The worst thing you can do is swallow everything.
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And I think it s bad for two reasons.
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Number one, because that s uncomfortable for you.
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Like if your body wants to cry, it feels better to actually let yourself cry.
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At first you might be embarrassed, but I ll tell you why you shouldn t be embarrassed.
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showing emotion to your partner during a really heartbreaking moment shows them that this means something to you.
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And breakups are not fun for either party.
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So it s really important to show each other that you re sad about this.
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This is fucking sad.
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You know, even if you screwed each other over, even if you weren t great to each other all the time, you still loved each other.
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And I think it s important for both parties to show their true emotions.
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It does signal to the other person how much the relationship meant.
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I don t know, that makes things feel better, weirdly.
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Let s say you re the one being broken up with.
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My first piece of advice is to try to tame
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your ego, okay?
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It can be so easy to react to the rejection that you re feeling.
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Like, I don t know, you can get angry, right?
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Because your ego is being challenged.
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You re being rejected.
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It feels terrible.
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You know, your self-esteem is being shot.
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Some of us react to that by getting angry.
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And I think the reason why it s good to avoid getting angry
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Number one, that doesn t foster a positive conversation in any way, shape or form.
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Number two, it s not the mature, higher road to take.
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You know, raising your voice and getting angry can cause the other person to lose respect for you.
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You re allowed to be upset.
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You re allowed to be confused.
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You re allowed to be frustrated.
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But try to keep your tone as mature as possible.
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It s hard when you re being broken up with.
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You go into defense mode.
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You re like, well, what s wrong with me?
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Everything s fucking wrong with you.
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Fuck you.
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You know, it s so easy to want to go there.
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But I think it s so much better not to.
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You don t want to look back and regret the way that you handled the situation and say, Oh, I could have been a little bit more level-headed.
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I could have handled that in a more mature way.
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It takes a lot of self-control and a lot of restraint not to let your ego talk, but it s worth the effort.
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Next, I think it s important to really try to understand where they re coming from.
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You know, sometimes people who aren t super keen on communicating will just say that they want to break up and not explain why.
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I ll tell you, that will torture you later.
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Try to get to the bottom of it.
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Figure out what went wrong.
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Ask them questions.
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Interrogate them.
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And you have the right to do so because you just spent an extended amount of time with them and they re now walking away from you.
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You do deserve to know why.
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Hopefully they ve figured out why and they can tell you.
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Sometimes they re not going to know why and that s the fucking worst or they re lying.
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They do know why, but they re pretending like they don t know why they re playing dumb.
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That is the worst.
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But I d say to the best of your ability, get it out of them.
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This is important because it prevents reaching out down the line for answers.
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You want to feel as resolved by the end of the conversation as possible.
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You want to feel like you understand why this happened.
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You want to be able to take away things that you can work on in your own life to prevent that from happening again down the line, hopefully, unless it had nothing to do with you.
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But even then, there s probably something you can work on.
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It gives you closure to an extent, to an extent.
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OK, to an extent.
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Next, if you still want to be with them, gently propose ideas to solve the issues that you re experiencing in the relationship.
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I don t think there s anything wrong with sort of fighting back a little bit.
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Now, key word, gently fighting back.
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Ultimately, you have to respect your partner s decision, okay?
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If they re not interested in fixing things, don t push it too far.
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But I do think that there s value in proposing some ideas.
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This is how we could fix this.
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If I would have known that you felt this way sooner, I would have done this, this, and that.
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It s totally healthy and good to try to provide solutions.
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And sometimes providing solutions might open up your partner s mind to continuing to try, but that will not always be the case.
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And when it s not the case, you have to accept it.
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Now, if you re breaking up with your partner, my first piece of advice is to be gentle with your delivery, okay?
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You re in the power position.
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You have to be thoughtful of that.
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you re about to destroy somebody s self-esteem temporarily.
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You know what I mean?
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You re rejecting them.
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It s a blow to the ego.
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It s a blow to the self-esteem.
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Majority of people get rejected in some way and take it personal.
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And sometimes it is a little bit personal.
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That s just life.
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That s how life works, right?
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But when you re the one doing the breaking up, I think it s best to be gentle and as thoughtful of the other person as possible.
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Put yourself in their shoes.
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You also have to try your best to explain thoroughly why you want to break up.
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Because in my opinion, that s the right thing to do.
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And be honest.
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Don t sugarcoat it, unless it s something really mean.
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I think it s important to be as honest as possible.
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I even think you should be honest if you have feelings for somebody else.
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Be gentle, be kind, be loving about it.
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But I think you have to be honest.
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If you re not honest, then you can mislead the other person.
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Let s say you have feelings for somebody else and you say, I don t know, I just, I don t think I can be in a relationship right now.
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And then they re like, okay, but why?
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And you re like, well, I don t really know.
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That person is going to leave that conversation feeling like, oh, well, they ll probably be ready to be in a relationship again at some point.
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point, and I ll be here waiting for when they re ready.
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You have to be clear about why you re leaving the relationship so that you can manage the expectations of the other person.
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Now, obviously, in an ideal world, the other person doesn t have any expectations and they just set you free.
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But I think it s the most fair thing to do to be brutally honest, but kind and gentle, keeping in mind that they re in a vulnerable position and you re sort of in this power position.
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I also think it s important to be open-minded.
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You know, you should consider your partner s reason for wanting to stay together if that s something that they propose.
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Even if you think that you ve made up your mind fully, you should still hear them out because they might be on to something.
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If you failed to communicate your challenges in the relationship prior to going into the breakup conversation, there s a chance that things could actually be resolved and go back to being great again at some point.
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If your partner has a plan on how that could work out, you should really consider it.
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But you should also be honest with yourself.
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Realistically, is there a solution?
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If the answer is no, stand firm in your position.
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Your partner might be convincing in their way of saying, well, we could fix it if we do this and we do that and we do this.
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But if you know in your gut that it s over and you heard them out and you pondered it and you still think it s over, stand firm in that.
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You will only prolong the pain for the both of you if you don t stand firm in your position.
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Because guess what?
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If you know in your gut that it s over, but you re like, oh, my partner was so convincing, I guess I ll try again.
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You re going to try again.
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It s not going to work.
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And then you re going to end up in another five hour conversation where you re like, are we breaking up or no?
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You know, you re just you re going to end up there again.
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It s so important to stand firm and it s so fucking hard.
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But you have to.
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Oh, I m like reliving every breakup conversation I ve ever had simultaneously in my head right now.
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It s not fucking fun.
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It is not fun.
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It is a catastrophe.
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It s a catastrophe.
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And it s so sad.
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Like even if your partner sucked ass, it still is sad.
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I m not kidding.
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It s still fucking sad.
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Let s talk about the day of the breakup.
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You go your separate ways.
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This is assuming you don t live together.
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If you live together, that s tough.
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That adds a whole other layer of complications.
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I have not ever lived with a partner, so I can t really speak to that.
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But let s talk about what you do on the day of the breakup.
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I think the same advice applies to both partners because again, I ve been on both sides of it and I ll tell you, I needed the same things during both types of breakups.
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Number one, let the emotion out.
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Let it all out.
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Most of us will cry and just feel the knife in our heart.
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My advice is to just sit with that.
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It can be tempting to run away from that feeling, you know, immediately distract ourselves, immediately shove it down, down, down, down deep, bottle it up, bottle it up.
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I m sorry.
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No.
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I don t think that that works.
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I think you need to lay in your bed and you need to fucking cry and think about every good memory you had together and remember the last hug that you gave each other.
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Remember everything, feel everything, sit in everything, marinate in everything.
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Just let yourself do that.
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Don t run away from it.
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I swear to God, I ve taught myself how to do this now with breakups.
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I used to fight the sadness.
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I used to try to stop thinking about the person.
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That only prolongs it, okay?
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It s so interesting.
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My last breakup experience, I really just let myself feel everything.
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I laid in my bed for probably six hours and thought about every beautiful memory, and I just cried and cried and cried.
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Six hours of crying.
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I really thought I was never going to feel better.
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And it lasted for so long, six hours.
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That s a long time.
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I was like, it s never going to go away.
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Guess what?
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It did.
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I let it all out and then all of a sudden I was like, you know what, I feel better and I don t know why, all of a sudden I just felt better.
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That really helped in the following days.
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I also think it s important to find somebody to talk to.
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I ve never gone through a breakup alone.
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I remember my very first breakup.
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Oh my God, this was so sweet.
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My friends took me to a hotel because my first boyfriend broke up with me in my apartment and I could not be there.
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I was so devastated that my friends found this random corporate hotel.
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It was this sort of hotel that businessmen go to.
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It s so sterile.
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It s not a fun hotel.
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But it was exactly what I needed, just a new setting for myself.
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And my friends and I just had a little sleep over there and I was bawling the whole night.
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Oh my God.
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Oh my God.
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I was bawling the whole night, but I was with my friends and they made me feel so much better.
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They were telling me, they re like, this is going to pass.
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You re going to get through this.
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They were there to rub my back.
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They were there to hear me out because ultimately what I wanted was to talk through it.
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Right.
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And they were there for me.
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In breakups following, I called my parents.
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I called my friends.
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I didn t force myself to do it alone.
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Because it can be really easy when alone to spiral, okay?
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You can lose perspective really quickly when you re locked in your own mind.
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It can be so helpful to talk to somebody who can see things from a bird s eye view, objectively.
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I think it s particularly helpful to talk to people who have been through a handful of breakups in their life as well, because they re going to be the ones that are going to prove to you that things will get better.
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Okay, next piece of advice.
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Don t you dare reach out.
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No.
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It s going to be so tempting.
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You re going to want to be like, hey, how are you feeling?
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Nope.
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No, you re not doing that.
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Sorry, you re not doing that.
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It s too soon.
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You re still too raw and vulnerable.
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They re still too raw and vulnerable.
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No, no matter how bad it gets, don t talk to them.
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Call someone else, call one of your family members, call a friend, call anyone, but call your therapist, call anyone but them.
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Do not call them.
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Do not text them.
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It s not time yet.
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It s too soon.
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No.
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Okay.
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No.
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Now, if you have the energy, you might not, okay?
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You might end up spending the whole day in bed crying, and that s fine too.
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You don t even have to brush your teeth, okay?
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I would argue on the night of a breakup, you don t have to brush your teeth, just go to sleep, okay?
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It s the one night where you get to eat sweet treats and not brush your teeth after, even though that s so bad for your teeth.
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But I would say on the night of a breakup, it s fine.
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Anyway, if you have the energy, I do think it is so great to find some sort of distraction.
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For example, my first breakup, I obviously went to that hotel with my friends and we watched TV and we watched movies and I cried the whole time and just was talking over the TV and movies and was talking about the breakup, but that was helpful.
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In my other breakups, I ve had a bit more strength.
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Call me crazy, one time I was even able to go out to dinner the same day with my friends.
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And I ll tell you, that helped me so much.
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It helped me so much.
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Getting kind of dressed up and going out to dinner, I don t know, it sort of forces you to get back into the real world, get back on your feet.
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SPEAKER_00
And when you re going through a breakup, sometimes even sitting through a movie is a task.
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Because it s like, oh, my God, I m supposed to focus on this movie and not think about my breakup.
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Listen, don t set any sort of expectations for yourself.
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You know, be patient with yourself.
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But I think it can help to just try to distract yourself.
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You know, even the act of trying can sometimes help get you back on your feet.
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And also, if you have the energy, pamper yourself.
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Order your favorite food for dinner on a food delivery app.
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Do your skincare routine.
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Do a hair mask.
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Book a massage.
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If you have the energy to pamper yourself, this is the time to do it.
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Truly.
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Now let s discuss the first week or two after the breakup.
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Okay, you re getting back on your feet, but fuck, it s hard.
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You kind of have to get back to work, whether you re at school or you have a job or you re a parent.
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It doesn t matter who you are, what you do.
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We all have shit we have to do.
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We have commitments, responsibilities.
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Majority of us can t just lay in bed for two weeks.
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We have to get back on our feet a little bit.
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I d say for both partners, it s so important to continue to let the emotions come as they do.
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It can sort of be frustrating in the following few weeks to understand where you re at emotionally.
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SPEAKER_00
Like you might have one really good day and be like, Oh, fuck.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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SPEAKER_00
Fuck.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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I m actually getting over this shit.
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And then the next day you re a fucking mess again.
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The following weeks can look very different for everyone.
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It all comes in waves.
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There are ups and downs.
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Some days are sort of bad.
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Some days are really, really bad.
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Some days are fine.
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Then you have four days where you re really, really, really, really, really, really bad.
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Then you have one day where you re like, wait, I m actually really good.
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And it s just a mess.
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It s a fucking mess.
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Just go with the flow.
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Don t fight the emotions as they come.
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It can be tempting to be like, wait, yesterday I was doing pretty good and now today I m doing worse.
2
SPEAKER_00
Why am I going backwards?
2
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You re not going backwards.
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Every day that you wake up, you re going forwards.
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The best way to get from a bad place to a good place is to ride it out.
2
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Don t shove it down and hide it and suppress it.
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If you need to go to the bathroom at work to cry for 30 minutes, do it.
2
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If you re feeling really good one day, celebrate that, but don t expect that tomorrow s going to be the same.
2
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Be patient with yourself because sometimes like the first two weeks after a breakup,
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you re actually shockingly good and then the pain comes later.
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I ve experienced that where it s like in the beginning, you re like, wait a minute, I m actually kind of relieved, you know, like I m back to focusing on me.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is actually really good.
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SPEAKER_00
And then the pain comes later.
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SPEAKER_00
So it just depends.
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But I think most people are hurting in those first two weeks.
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There s a good chance that you re in the worst of it.
3
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I also think it can be really helpful to sort of remove all signs of them from your life.
3
SPEAKER_00
Mute them on Instagram, take the pictures of you and them off your walls, take the gifts that they gave you over the years and put them in a box and put them in the garage.
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SPEAKER_00
Any sign of them should be hidden.
3
SPEAKER_00
Because listen, you re already going to be thinking about them enough.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s inevitable.
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SPEAKER_00
If you can hide all signs of them, it ll prevent an unnecessary thought of them.
3
SPEAKER_00
This has been really helpful for me.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it also sort of like a closure ritual.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s like, okay, we re putting these things away.
3
SPEAKER_00
Now they could always come out of retirement again if we decide to rekindle, but we might not.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I need to almost pretend as though we will not.
3
SPEAKER_00
There might even be a day down the line where, you know, maybe you don t even speak anymore, but you could bring out a gift that they gave you again.
3
SPEAKER_00
And you can enjoy that gift from them again without it being a negative memory.
3
SPEAKER_00
You ll hit a point where that s doable for you.
3
SPEAKER_00
But I would say in those first two weeks, it s like get everything out of sight, out of sight, okay?
3
SPEAKER_00
I also think it s helpful to keep yourself on track for those first few weeks by making to-do lists.
3
SPEAKER_00
it can be really easy to sort of fall into a depressive state.
3
SPEAKER_00
And sometimes you can t prevent that, right?
3
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If you re laying in bed all day and you re starting to feel depressed, I m talking about dark darkness.
3
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That s when you should call a therapist, should call a professional and be like, this is really bad.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s getting really serious.
3
SPEAKER_00
I can t actually get out of bed.
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SPEAKER_00
I need help.
3
SPEAKER_00
We ve all been there.
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Actually, we haven t all been there.
3
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I ve been there.
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SPEAKER_00
Um,
3
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But I know even with me as somebody who has struggled with depression for years, I ve fallen into a depressive state during a breakup and sort of allowed myself to stay in it when I actually did have the strength to get out of bed and get my shit together.
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There are times when you can t and there are times when you can.
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What has helped me in the past is making to-do lists.
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During a breakup, you don t want to fall into a slump where you re in bed and then that ends up making you feel worse about yourself because you re like, I m not getting anything done.
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SPEAKER_00
I m not doing anything.
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SPEAKER_00
Try to keep yourself on track to the best of your ability.
3
SPEAKER_00
Make a to-do list with the bare minimum.
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At least getting done the bare minimum will make you feel accomplished and good so that you don t start spiraling out of control in a way.
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SPEAKER_00
If you re feeling like, okay, you know what, I have it in me actually to do a bit more.
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SPEAKER_00
And in fact, I think it ll make me feel better to do a bit more.
3
SPEAKER_00
Pack your schedule filled with stuff.
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Get all the bare minimum on there, but then add other stuff.
3
SPEAKER_00
Be like, okay, I actually want to try this recipe.
3
SPEAKER_00
And you know, I want to get my nails done.
3
SPEAKER_00
And you know, I want to volunteer at this place.
3
SPEAKER_00
I want to see this friend I haven t seen in a while.
3
SPEAKER_00
Just start packing your schedule filled with stuff.
3
SPEAKER_00
Make a to-do list.
3
SPEAKER_00
I also think during this first two weeks, it s so crucial to focus back in on yourself.
3
SPEAKER_00
When you re in a relationship, you re sort of splitting your attention between you and this other person.
3
SPEAKER_00
Now they re out of your life.
3
SPEAKER_00
So instead of continuing to put that attention on that other person, figure out what you can do with that extra energy that you now have to work on yourself and start thinking about ways that you can improve your life.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, start manifesting what you want your life to look like.
3
SPEAKER_00
Next, plan some fun activities.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay.
3
SPEAKER_00
Plan some fun shit.
3
SPEAKER_00
Plan to go out to a party with your friends.
3
SPEAKER_00
Plan a little painting night with your friends.
3
SPEAKER_00
Get some things on the calendar that you can look forward to because it can feel sort of like you re in this cloud of impending doom when you go through a breakup.
3
SPEAKER_00
It ll give you a little glimmer of light in a way when you look at your calendar and you re like, oh, but on Friday,
3
SPEAKER_00
We re going to go out and we re going to go get drinks at this bar and then this Friday all my friends are coming over and we re going to paint paintings and drink wine, like whatever it might be.
3
SPEAKER_00
Plan some activities.
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SPEAKER_00
Okay, and last but not least, don t fucking reach out.
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Don t you dare reach out.
3
SPEAKER_00
Still too soon.
3
SPEAKER_00
You can t.
3
SPEAKER_00
You re still too vulnerable.
3
SPEAKER_00
You re still too raw.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s not a good idea.
3
SPEAKER_00
If you start talking again, you re both so emotional and so sad and so down bad that you might actually get back together and that would be a catastrophe.
3
SPEAKER_00
Stand strong in your choice if you were the one who broke up with the other person.
3
SPEAKER_00
and respect your partner s decision.
3
SPEAKER_00
If you are the person who has broken up with, there will be a time when you can reach out.
3
SPEAKER_00
But within the first two weeks, it s not the time you re wrapped up in nostalgia, in sadness, in heartbreak.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s dangerous emotionally.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know what I mean?
3
SPEAKER_00
Because you might rope each other back in when that s actually not what s best for both of you.
3
SPEAKER_00
Ultimately, even though it feels terrible to not be together, all you want is to be together.
3
SPEAKER_00
Stop.
3
SPEAKER_00
No, don t talk.
3
SPEAKER_00
No talking.
3
SPEAKER_00
And that s all I got.
3
SPEAKER_00
All right.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s part one of breakup advice from before the breakup even happens to two weeks after the breakup.
3
SPEAKER_00
OK, that s the first chunk of the timeline.
3
SPEAKER_00
In the next episode, we re going to, you know, go a little further into the future of the breakup, because believe me, it extends way further than two weeks after the breakup.
3
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My God, sometimes breakups can impact you for years.
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SPEAKER_00
So we ll get into that in the following episode.
3
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So stay tuned for more breakup advice because it s coming.
3
SPEAKER_00
If you re going through a breakup right now, I m so sorry.
3
SPEAKER_00
It fucking sucks.
3
SPEAKER_00
But let me tell you, you will come out the other side, a stronger, smarter, wiser person who will find love again.
3
SPEAKER_00
If you ve never been through a breakup, good luck, because you will at some point probably.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I m sending you love in advance.
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SPEAKER_00
And if you ve been through a few breakups in the past, this is all old news.
3
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But maybe there is something helpful in it anyway.
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If you enjoyed this episode, new episodes of anything goes every Thursday and Sunday, you can stream anywhere that you stream podcasts.
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SPEAKER_00
But video is exclusive on Spotify.
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SPEAKER_00
You can follow anything goes on Instagram at anything goes.
3
SPEAKER_00
You can follow me on Instagram at Emma Chamberlain.
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SPEAKER_00
You can check out my coffee company, Chamberlain Coffee.
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SPEAKER_00
We have coffee.
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SPEAKER_00
We have tea.
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SPEAKER_00
We have accessories.
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We have almond coconut milk lattes in a can.
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We have oat milk lattes in a can.
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If you want to see if they re in a store near you, check out our store locator on chamberlaincoffee.com or just shop on chamberlaincoffee.com.
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SPEAKER_00
And that s all I have for today.
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I hope that this was helpful to somebody.
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And if it wasn t helpful, I hope it was at least entertaining.
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I don t know.
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I don t know.
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I love and appreciate you all, and I hope that you re having a great day.
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And if you re not, I know you ll have a good day at some point.
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SPEAKER_00
OK, I ll talk to you later.
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Love you.