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Hey, Jordan Harbinger here, and welcome to Mini-Sode Monday.
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Happy to be here with you, kicking off the week with something quick and actionable that you can implement right away that ll make you more magnetic and effective.
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Today, David Berkus, the compliment sandwich and why we hate it.
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Take it away, Dave.
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Well, so that s really fair why we hate it.
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Really, I believe that we should stop serving it.
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It s disgusting.
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And I also have a problem with the fact that we re calling it a compliment sandwich, but compliments are what go on either side of it, and you never call it a bread sandwich, right?
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You call it a bologna sandwich.
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But here s the idea.
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Somewhere, I m going to guess, in the 1980s, we got this idea that it was better to give people feedback in the compliment sandwich, meaning I have a negative piece or constructive piece of criticism to give you.
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And so I m going to sandwich it between two compliments to make it easier to swallow.
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I mean, it literally is the Mary Poppins spoonful of sugar approach.
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The problem is it doesn t work.
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I just want to make sure everybody knows what it is because a lot of people are like, oh yeah, I think I ve heard of that or I m not in a corporation.
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I ve never heard of that, which is where it s abused most.
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The compliment sandwich is essentially this, right, it s a piece of quote-unquote constructive criticism, aka something negative, between two things that are positive, so it d be like, David, everybody likes you, I actually can t stand you, but everyone else sings your praises all the time.
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Right, or like, Jordan, you have a show with a lot of listeners, you re kind of a jerk when you re hosting it, but you get a really wide range of different attendees on it, it s fantastic.
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Right.
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I like that.
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Yeah.
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And, and the result is you don t actually know if I like the show or if I hate you as a, as a human.
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Right.
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Right.
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And psychologically.
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So we, we have, there s this concept called loss aversion.
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We, we tend to feel the pain of loss or the pain of feeling that criticism more than the compliments.
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So we still sort of zero in on that.
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But the idea is that because we ve tried to make it easier to swallow and all we ve really done is create confusion.
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We also make it harder for someone to know what to do with that criticism.
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So I can give you two compliments and with a piece of criticism sandwiched in between, but you don t know what action to take.
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If it s in a corporate setting, you don t know if you re getting promoted or fired, right?
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And so we don t really know what to do.
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Usually a better strategy, and actually one that I borrow from the folks at Pixar, is one that we call plussing.
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And the idea is you can give positive or negative feedback, but you have to add a plus.
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You have to add some piece of suggestion
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onto what you can do to solve it, right?
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So I can say, you know, Jordan, I think you re kind of a jerk on the air, which was our example before.
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And by the way, I don t.
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I think you re fantastic.
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I can say, Jordan, you re kind of a jerk on the air.
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What if you just softened your tone and sort of slowed down as you delivered your final pieces so people aren t getting your comments so short and curt?
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Now, here s the important thing about plussing, is that not only do I give you that I care so much about you that I want you to take this constructive criticism and make it better, I also give you the right to accept or reject the suggestion.
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So you still walk away knowing the criticism, but you also know what you can do about it, or you know a suggestion I ve made that you can use to figure out what you re going to do about it.
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In either case, I m giving you the final say on how you deal with that constructive criticism, but I am ending it with, Jordan, I care so much about you and about getting you better that I m also offering you this.
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I m not just ranting about negativity and criticisms on your show.
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Thanks to David Burkus for that.
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He s got a book, Under New Management, which I read and enjoyed.
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Also his own podcast, Radio Free Leader.
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We also did a full episode with David on the Art of Trauma.
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We talked about networking, working smarter, and why former colleagues might be some of your most valuable network connections, as well as what to do if you hate your job.
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So check that out if you like this.
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Don t forget, everybody, about the Art of Charm Challenge.
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It ll help you connect with others, create more productive personal and business relationships, and has step-by-step challenges to help you move forward every single week.
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And there s a Facebook group with thousands of other AOC family taking the challenge as well.
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Of course, AJ and I are in there with the rest of the Art of Charm team, helping you all move through the challenges.
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Text CHARMED, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D, to 33444 in the States, or go to theartofcharm.com slash challenge and get rockin .