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All right, time for Fan Mail Friday.
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I m your host, Jordan Harbinger, and I m here with producer Jason DeFillippo.
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We ll be answering your questions and dropping some knowledge and feedback to help you kick the weekend off right.
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, this isn t the best place to start because most of our content is much more in-depth and longer format.
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So check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox
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That s where we ve got fundamentals of body language and nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, and everything else we teach here at The Art of Charm.
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We ll send all of this to your inbox if you text CHARMED, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D, to 33444 here in the USA, or if you re not, go to theartofcharm.com.
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Alright, let s cut to it.
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Hey guys, I don t know who else to ask.
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I m currently writing this message in my third period class because all we do is waste time.
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Hours upon hours, days, weeks, months, all we do, waste time.
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I m in high school right now quote unquote learning how to operate Microsoft Access, which is relatively more useful than anything else in school.
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All I m doing is wasting time, time I could be using to pursue my passion, my dream,
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Because my parents decided that the quote-unquote backup plan is more important than the original plan.
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It s like being on a battlefield with a general who keeps signifying your importance, but uses all his time asking for reinforcements.
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And that is a quote from Sully Breaks, as he points out.
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What do I do?
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I go to school from 7 in the morning to 2.30 in the afternoon.
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I work from 3.30 in the afternoon to 6 at night.
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I work out from 6 to 7.
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Then I get ready for bed from 7 to 8.
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Then and only then can I work on my passion until 3am.
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I m constantly tired and I feel like I m doing nothing but wasting my life away from 7 in the morning to 6pm every day.
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I don t do homework well, I skip classes to go to the library to finish what I couldn t at 3am,
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When I m in class, I m writing outlines for my passion.
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What do I do?
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My parents want me to focus on school.
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Being I m only 16, I ve had brutal arguments with them, even ran away to continue to work on my quote-unquote passion.
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After my little runaway, they ve agreed to emancipate me.
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Soon, everything I do will be my choice, including school.
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Do I drop out to pursue my passion or stay in school to follow the road?
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Signed, do I stay or do I go?
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Wow.
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OK, so, yeah, I mean, you read that really slowly so that every word just got under my skin.
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It had to be nuanced because there s a lot in there.
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There is a lot in there and look I applaud that you are passionate about something.
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I applaud that you are working on it until 3am and that you re tired and things like that.
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I get it.
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I know what it s like to be obsessed with something.
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What s kind of a flag for me on this is that we don t know what the passion is.
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This is a job that s making him money or a pursuit that s making him money.
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Sounds like he s really interested in learning something.
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I m worried that it might be musical or something like that.
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Something that is not likely to pan out as a profession without schooling.
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I think the best musicians tend to also be people that have training in that area.
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Granted we see plenty of counterexamples, but let s not rely on the exceptions that prove the rule.
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So you re only 16, and when I was 16 I thought I knew a lot and I didn t.
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I would say this, finish high school and crush it.
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Don t limit options, because limiting your options is what happens when you leave school to focus on something else.
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I m glad you have a great hobby, which is what it is.
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Let s throw the word passion out the window.
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It s just the latest passion.
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You ve probably had many that are equally interesting to you, and you will have many more later.
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If not, that s okay, but you don t want to limit your options.
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Getting a GED, dropping out of school, whatever, it s not the same thing.
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It hurts your chances at getting into programs later.
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So what you could do is finish high school, do really well, do really, really well, in fact, and then you can forego college for the time being.
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You can try whatever you want to make money.
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I highly suggest working for someone else in a field you enjoy, maybe in your passion field, and learning what they do and then learning the reality of the job.
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That tends to sober up a lot of people, and if it doesn t, then great, it was meant to be and you didn t lose that much time.
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and you definitely didn t misuse your time getting your options or keeping your options open.
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You might find yourself doing that or college or something else, depending on how that job goes.
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Look, following your passion, as we ve talked about with Cal Newport, it s overrated most of the time, but you ll have to see that for yourself.
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Jason, you get anything?
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Oh, yeah.
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So my high school guidance council had the greatest poster on the wall.
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And every time I d go in, I d look at it because I was there a lot.
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Because I was just like this guy.
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I m like, you know what, I need to get out of here.
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I want to go be a photographer.
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I want to I want to be a professional skateboarder.
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I want to do all this stuff.
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The poster on the wall was like, drop out now while you still know everything.
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Yeah, it was so sarcastic and such a slap in the face.
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It s like, oh, wait, I don t know everything.
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I don t know anything.
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And after I got out of high school and I wasn t a great high school student, I was terrible.
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I actually graduated out of summer school because I, you know, wasn t that great at school.
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But what I was good at was the stuff that I was, quote unquote, passionate about.
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And it turns out that s not what I did with my life.
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You know, I went to college for it, took some side classes, and my pro tip here is, if you re going to go to college after you get out, go to your local community college and only take the classes in your, as Jordan called it, a hobby, or what you called a passion.
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Area of interest.
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Let s meet in the middle and say area of interest.
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Area of interest, yes, that s a good way to put it.
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And you re going to save money, you re going to find out if
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That s what you really want to do because you find out a lot about the nitty gritty that you did not know before.
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And, you know, I learned a lot about photography and how it was, you know, how to be a business person in photography.
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And I m like, no, I just want to take pictures of naked girls.
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Oh, that s right.
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That s not what the job is.
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Oh, man.
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OK, well, I m going to go do this computer thing instead.
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Yeah, exactly.
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Which you re also highly interested in, which actually worked out.
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Yeah, it worked out great.
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Now I m a podcaster with you.
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So I would just take that for what it s worth.
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I think he definitely needs to finish high school though.
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I think we re totally in agreement with that.
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Do not drop out of high school.
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Yeah, it s a terrible idea.
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I don t know anybody that s done that and been satisfied.
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Even people that are successful that have dropped out of high school that I know, who are very successful, they still don t say, wow, that was a good decision.
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They realize that they succeeded in spite of that.
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So I think that s important to note.
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Yeah, absolutely.
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There s a lot of work that goes into digging yourself out of that hole.
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So definitely stay in school.
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Alright.
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Sound like a video game from the 90s.
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Stay in school.
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Hey Jordan, I m a big fan of the show and wanted to respond to the message you read from Ross on Fan Mail Friday number 67.
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Ross asked, how do you maintain a healthy mind and keep improving yourself when there are a lot of problems in the immediate family that no one has control over?
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The advice that you gave was pretty spot on, but as someone that s had the same problem, I wanted to pass on some tips.
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First, it s important to realize that you can t help anyone else if you aren t taking care of yourself.
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That needs to be the top priority.
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It s impossible to make your suffering family member feel better if you re not feeling very good yourself.
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Second, you need to set boundaries for the family member.
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That might sound harsh, but it s not an entirely bad thing for both parties.
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You need to establish exactly how much time you ll spend with them.
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Limiting that time is the best for both of you because although the family member might need to vent about some things, he or she shouldn t keep both of you on this never-ending negative train of thought.
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Third, you need to set boundaries for yourself.
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After you spend that set amount of time with this family member, you need to give yourself a set time to feel bad about it and then move on to your normal schedule.
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I know this is easier said than done, but it s possible with enough practice.
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Fourth, you need someone to hold you accountable.
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You said that you don t have anyone you can confide in about these things, and that needs to change.
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You need to cultivate a relationship where you feel comfortable confiding in them about this.
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Someone needs to be there to tell you when you re slipping back into the role of the emotional crutch.
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Trust me, it ll be difficult, but worth it.
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I ve felt so much more in control of my life since I ve put all of this into practice.
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Also, my relationship with my family member that was giving me this problem has actually greatly improved.
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I m actually now more effective at helping that person since I m able to share my positive vibes rather than be brought down by their negative ones.
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Sincerely, Emotional Crutch No More.
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That s an awesome one.
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I love that.
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This is somebody who s been in that situation and realizes that there s a way to take care of it.
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The only reflection I have on this is that it s such a bummer that you ve got to set aside time to spend with family members that make you feel awful and then you have to set aside time to let them
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To detox.
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Right, to detox.
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The mood that they dragged you through, dragged you down, you have to then give yourself time to shake that off.
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I mean, that s a huge bummer.
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But I think it s important because what it forces you to do, whether or not this is what emotional crutch no more meant by this, what it forces you to do is say, man, is it really worth hanging out with my uncle if every time I ve gotta detox and then I ve gotta do this and I gotta do, so you probably then only filter in the people that are actually really important to your life, that are having a hard time,
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because you re taking note of how much you need to take care of yourself after this.
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And so you re taking care of yourself and you re realizing, man, I spend hours just being down after hanging out with this person.
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Maybe I should change and set even stronger boundaries.
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And I think so that could lead to a kind of a healing process there where you might think after a while, I just don t have time for this crap anymore.
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You know?
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Nobody got time for that.
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Nobody got time for that.
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Jordan, why aren t you on Snapchat?
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Signed, Lookiloo.
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Honestly, I just don t know what I would put there that s useful.
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We already have YouTube.
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I m making videos there.
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They last forever.
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I don t know what Snapchat could do for me that makes any sense and do more importantly that could do for you, AOC family, that makes any sense because
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SPEAKER_02
If I make a video there, you can t, as far as I know, you can t save it.
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SPEAKER_02
It doesn t become searchable.
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It doesn t become a way for me to interact with people that they can then later on go and check and replay.
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It s just something that dies on the vine or dies shortly after I send it.
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SPEAKER_02
We actually call that in the business ephemeral.
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It s ephemeral.
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Right, so I d rather have the video that we spend time on, the content there, end up on YouTube and work really well there, and if I m interacting with people sort of one-on-one, Twitter seems to do it, I get a lot of email.
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I mean, maybe I sound like an old guy now and I m totally fine with that, but I can t help but notice that a lot of other people, thought leaders and otherwise, do not have Snapchat.
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I notice a lot of entertainers have it because they don t mind their content being ephemeral.
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performers and things like that, but what I m looking at is I m creating educational content as well, so I want it to be there later after me, not by the time I m eating lunch, it s all dead.
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So that s the reason I don t have it.
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That might change later, I don t see that changing.
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I stopped using Snapchat days after I downloaded the app years ago, so it s just not my thing.
1
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Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
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SPEAKER_00
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SPEAKER_00
Hey Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
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SPEAKER_00
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
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My name s James.
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I m 25 and work in international business policy in the UK.
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We interacted on Twitter last week over the Sam Harris podcast.
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I ve read a lot of Sam s work but thought you drew out some aspects not normally touched upon by other interviewers which takes a lot of skill.
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My situation is this.
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I m normally a very active guy, playing tennis or cricket, or swimming, up to 6 times a week, on top of work and socializing.
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I have a great girlfriend, enjoy my job, get on well with my flatmate, and am generally a happy and driven person.
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Unfortunately, in November 2015, I was diagnosed with glandular fever and have been suffering with chronic fatigue ever since.
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I had no choice but to take a month off work to recover over Christmas and have been slowly making a return to work but had a relapse and 3 weeks off again from work about a month ago.
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Work has been very understanding and have allowed me to work any hours I can manage.
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It s meant that I haven t been in a position to physically grab the opportunities that have been presented to me.
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One example was a big tech public policy conference in Paris.
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I d done a lot of prep, and it s in the area I m looking to gain real expertise in.
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This is an illustrative example, but symptomatic of a gnawing sense of FOMO.
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Have you or any AOCers ever suffered from this?
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How does one deal with the frustration caused by not being able to operate at the high level one is usually accustomed to?
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Is there anything one can learn from the enforced slowdown at a time when life is meant to be at full pace?
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Appreciative of any advice you could dole out, as well as any weird, wonderful remedies you may have heard.
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Yours, mind in the fast lane, body in the slow lane.
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Yeah, man.
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Glandular fever, by the way, is mono, for those of us in North America.
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I had mono in college.
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I was wondering what that was.
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Yeah, you re like, wow, it sounds serious.
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It is, but it s mono, mononucleosis.
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The kissing disease.
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Yeah, no, I got it in college, and I remember just sleeping for 20 hours a day, wrapping myself up in towels, and then drinking a gallon of Gatorade, going back to sleep, waking up, changing the towel, because I was just sweating, you know, sweating it out.
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and then occasionally going to the bathroom, barely eating.
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I mean, it was awful.
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It was an awful experience.
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It took a month plus for me to recover from it.
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I was lucky I got it in college where your level of real responsibility is just nil.
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But I understand the frustration, not being able to operate at a high level, not being able to operate at even a medium level, and getting that slowdown.
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So the FOMO, I get it, the FOMO, fear of missing out,
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is real.
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What I do when I get sick, in general, is I use the opportunity to slow down and deep dive and heal.
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So, I ll slow down and rest as necessary, but I ll also maybe line up every movie and documentary that I can on a subject, and every book that I can on a subject, and every audio program I can on a subject, and I start to plow through them.
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SPEAKER_02
I make a checklist and I plow through them.
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It gives you a sense of accomplishment.
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SPEAKER_02
You can take notes on your phone or on your iPad or whatever on paper if you want to and you don t have to do much.
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SPEAKER_02
You re doing a lot of thinking and when you get tired you literally just hit pause and you go to sleep for a few hours and you pop back up.
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You could do it 24-7.
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You can learn and learn and learn and learn and learn.
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Just don t try to push through and make yourself sicker.
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Use the downtime to become an expert in something.
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Just read, watch everything about it.
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SPEAKER_02
Jason, you got anything to add?
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Yeah, I had several months of downtime when I broke my leg and had to have surgery on it and I took that time to learn a
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SPEAKER_03
It basically a skill that I do every day.
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SPEAKER_03
I wanted to become a much better audio editor and engineer So I went to the great courses.
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SPEAKER_03
I went to Linda I went to YouTube and just started watching videos in bed on my iPad or my laptop depending on you know how far I wanted to fall asleep and I Spent you know, like three months I think in bed recovering from that injury and when I came out of it I was a much better audio engineer and
1
SPEAKER_03
And, you know, I got caught up on a bunch of books too, but yeah, use that time to really, I didn t know it was, I didn t know mono was the actual thing that he had.
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SPEAKER_03
So he s going to spend a lot of time sleeping, but in between those sleep times, learn a skill, get caught up on those, those international policy debates.
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Because I think once you get back out of bed, you re going to find the UK is a changed world and you really have an opportunity to jump into some new policy discussions that are going on right now.
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Yeah, should be an interesting time to be there and have time to get caught up.
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Honestly, look at this as an opportunity to relax and deep dive.
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You can even change up your diet and detox, lose a little bit of weight if you need to.
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SPEAKER_02
It doesn t sound like you do.
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SPEAKER_03
He was swimming six times a week.
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I m pretty sure he s pretty fit.
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Sorry about that.
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But anyway, now you get a chance to work your brain out.
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But look at it as an opportunity, because there s literally nothing else you can do to recover faster.
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So you may as well enjoy the process as much as you can.
1
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OK, this next one is a comment from an anonymous writer.
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SPEAKER_03
Jordan, this stuff is manipulative.
1
SPEAKER_02
Yeah, when I posted that in there, there was a lot of other comments that were that I ve gotten over the years.
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This one was a huge, long tirade that didn t make a whole lot of it wasn t very coherent.
1
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So I cut it down to the kind of the thesis, which was that the stuff that we teach
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And I thought that was kind of a ridiculous assertion, but I wanted to address it because I know that a lot of people, not probably people who listen to this, but people who have friends who know that they listen to this might have the wrong idea about it.
2
SPEAKER_00
But when people learn things like social dynamics, it s the same reason that people learn martial arts.
2
SPEAKER_00
It s either exercise, it s a way to self-improve, it s a way to exercise discipline, or it s a way to hurt other people.
2
SPEAKER_00
You want to manipulate people, you re a con man, or you re those martial arts guy, like the guys in the skeleton suits in Karate Kid who want to beat people up and bully others.
2
SPEAKER_00
Look, these things are double-edged swords in a lot of ways, but not in a way that is accidental.
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SPEAKER_00
It s very easy to control the outcome.
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SPEAKER_00
So it s maybe not quite the same double-edged sword we re looking at when we talk about other things.
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In social dynamics, it s less obvious the harm or benefit than saying getting beat up or being out of shape.
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So you think the world is unkind to you, and instead of doing something about it, you ignore the problem.
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When you label things as manipulative or something like that, when you try to...
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put a stigma, attach a stigma to this, it tells me that you just think the world is unkind to you.
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And instead of doing something about it, you ignore the problem.
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And here s an example to illustrate what I mean.
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If you were overweight, anonymous writer, if you were overweight and you wanted to solve that problem, you d be working out.
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You probably would not be looking down on other people for working out so they could lose weight.
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But if you are doing that, well,
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I don t think I need to convince anybody that you re kind of being a jerk about it, and that you re wrong to do that.
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And so I think the same sort of understanding, the same sort of courtesy, the same sort of respect should be handed out to everybody who s working out to lose weight, learning martial arts to defend themselves or to exercise discipline, or learning social dynamics to improve the way that they operate in the world, especially with respect to other people.
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So manipulative, definitely not, unless we re going by the very loose definition of
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manipulation, which is the same thing you would say if a sculptor is crafting something that he s manipulating the clay.
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If that s the definition we re using, then fine.
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I ll take the label.
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But if we re going by the stigmatized definition, like the one I got in this email, I would say that that says a lot more about you than it does about us.
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Hope y all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget you can email us friday at theartofcharm.com to get your questions answered on the air.
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A link to this blog post can be found at theartofcharm.com slash fmf69.
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Also, don t forget the Art of Charm Challenge.
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Text CHARMED, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D, to 33444 in the USA, or if you re not, go to theartofcharm.com.
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We ll take you step-by-step to becoming a better networker, making better personal and professional connections, increasing your personal social capital, magnetism, and charisma.
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And it s for both guys and gals, so check that out.
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Text CHARMED, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D, to 33444 here in the USA.
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Or if you re not, go to theartofcharm.com.
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Quick shout-out to Jimmy Solano Blanco in Costa Rica.
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That sounds like a long name.
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I hope it doesn t mean anything kind of offensive, and it s like a nickname, and it s an actual name now that I think about it.
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Kind of like Jimmy White.
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It sounds like it.
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Yeah, I guess it is.
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Jimmy White.
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Jimmy White in Costa Rica.
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Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up and I ll shout you out.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com.
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Now stay charming, get out there and connect, and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to The Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.