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All right, time for Fan Mail Friday, where we will be answering your questions and dropping some knowledge and feedback to help you kick the weekend off right.
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, this isn t the best place to start.
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Most of our content is much more in-depth and longer format.
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So check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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That s where we ve got the fundamentals of body language, nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, and everything else that we teach here at the Art of Charm.
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Alright, let s cut to it.
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First things first, Mark says, too often when hitting on women, I get that feeling of disrespect toward them knowing my goal is to sleep with them.
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I ll consider the potential for a relationship, but generally afterward.
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I have a huge respect for women and when that feeling kicks in, it screws up my mood and my attitude.
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I know I shouldn t have that feeling, because although they would never say it out loud, women are very much looking for partners with no strings attached, just like men.
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I found the best thing to do is remind myself that women love sex as much as I do, but I was wondering how other guys feel about this and how they deal with it.
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It sounds like you say you ve got a lot of respect for women.
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I totally believe that you do, but I feel like your actions, Mark,
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might not really be reflecting that, and maybe you get negative reactions, and maybe that s why you start to feel guilty.
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Now, I m reading into this a little bit, so I m not totally sure here, but it also sounds like there s a lot of baggage attached from maybe past relationships or when you were younger that you might be better off dealing with in actual therapy.
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I mean, the thing is, I m not saying you re screwed up or whatever.
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I m saying that a lot of us guys are programmed this way because we hear only about how
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oh, this guy s bugging me, he s being creepy, but we never hear about how much of a really nice phenomenon it is when a great guy comes and talks to you.
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That makes someone s day, it makes their week, that s how a lot of relationships start.
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It s creepy when she s not interested in you.
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So as long as you re being really respectful with it.
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and you re taking no for an answer when she isn t interested and you re good at reading nonverbal communication and things like that when she s not interested, there s nothing really wrong with this.
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If you re still getting a negative reaction in yourself and you know that you re reading the situations correctly, then it might be time to talk to somebody about this.
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I feel like the times when I used to get these negative reactions in my gut
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was when I knew I was full of crap and I would just tell a girl anything because I wanted to sleep with them, aka high school slash college.
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As an adult, as a grown-ass man, the cards are already kind of on the table.
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And as long as you re being respectful of people in general and you re not lying to them, this shouldn t be an issue.
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And if you still find that it is, you might want to talk to somebody who s a professional.
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I don t know, Jason, am I on the right page here?
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Yeah, you re totally on the right page, but it sounds like he s got this internal, like conflicted feeling.
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Like every time he talks to a woman, he should be looking for a relationship and not just a hookup.
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And you know, hookups are fine as long as you re upfront that you re looking for a hookup.
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You know, not every relationship is going to be long-term or something meaningful.
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Sometimes everybody just wants to go out and hook up.
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Otherwise we wouldn t have Tinder.
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You know, just be, I think just be honest about it and don t have this guilt, like this internal guilt.
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Like I think somebody once told him, like every time you you re with a woman, it has to be with the goal of a relationship.
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And I think that s stuck somewhere in his head.
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And you know, sometimes you re allowed to just go out and have fun and don t beat yourself up about it.
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Just, but be honest with the women you re talking to.
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Yeah, I definitely agree with that.
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JT, we talked about Dev, by the way, and a couple weeks ago, was it, Jason, who said he had outgrown his friends?
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Yeah, it was like two or three weeks ago, or three or four weeks ago, yeah.
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Yeah, and our weekly email was a little bit more about that as well.
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If you guys aren t getting the weekly emails, go to theartofcharm.com and sign up for the Transformation Kit, and you ll be on our weekly email stuff too.
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We talked about Dev.
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who d outgrown his friends, and JT wrote back with kind of like a subtly brilliant suggestion.
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He says, continually invite them to things that you enjoy that you just know that they wouldn t.
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Eventually, they ll get the hint that you ve changed.
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I totally understand that.
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I mean, if you invite two kind of schmucky douchebag, beer-drinking frat guys to the young Republican camporee with the goal of networking, they re not gonna go.
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and eventually if you keep inviting them to things like that and you stop calling them, it ll be because you ve changed, man, and then you don t have to worry about it so much.
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I really think that s kind of a funny way to do it.
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It s not the, and it s not manipulative, right?
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You re literally offering to include them on things you re still doing.
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I think that the conflict comes when you try to do things with them that you no longer enjoy just to maintain the friendship.
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And Andy says, concerning the mutual friends that Dev has with his other,
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friends that he s outgrown, I suspect that might not be a huge issue, as those mutual friends likely also see these same two guys as toxic, and face the same dilemma, how to say goodbye.
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The real friends will stick with you, and Dev could talk with those friends in advance, get their temperature, or give them a heads up on his intentions.
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It s hard, it takes courage, but it ll be worth it.
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So, if inviting them to the Camper-E doesn t work out,
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And repeatedly inviting them to things that they won t want to do you can always go the blunt route But I think honestly people will get the hint that you ve changed it if they haven t it it doesn t really matter I think these are two great suggestions from the AOC fanarchy out there
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Now, these are genius.
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These are genius.
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I can t believe we didn t think of these, but JT was totally spot on.
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And I think your friends might actually be grateful that you started to do this because I bet they don t want to be around them either.
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And you were the one that was bringing them around.
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And they re like, oh, man, when is he going to stop bringing these guys around?
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Right, Dev, you re that guy who keeps dragging the anchors and like, oh, he brought Jordan and Jason.
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Oh, Dev, get it through your head, man.
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Those guys suck.
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Yeah, totally.
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Pedro writes in, hey Jordan, you often talk about the concept of scarcity and abundance mentality.
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I ve been trying to find a podcast on this topic, but I decided I would just ask you.
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I was raised to value and take care of the things I have and never to waste food, for example.
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I think those principles make sense.
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However, they seem to leak into the general mentality and I think trigger a scarcity mindset not only with things but also with relations.
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One thing I don t want to do is create a scarcity mindset on my kids by pounding too hard on the principle of taking care of their stuff and not wasting food.
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I do want them to value and take care of their things though.
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I understand that first I have to work on myself and my own mindset before trying to educate anyone, but I wonder how to pass down an abundance mindset to my kids without going into other extremes which can be even more dreadful.
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Think of spoiled, entitled children.
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I know this sounds a lot like asking for parenting advice from a non-parent.
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I m hoping you have access to better advice than I do.
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I would be happy with the understanding, the concept of scarcity and abundance, and then figuring out the parenting part myself.
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You said it right, Pedro.
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This is a good one.
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I m afraid I might not be much help, because I don t have kids, and so I can t speak from my own experience.
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But I ll say, I think teaching people to value something, and teaching value, like valuing food or money, et cetera, is different than the scarcity abundance mindset, sort of do, what is it?
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What s the duo, what s that word I m looking for, Jason?
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Dichotomy.
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For me, dichotomy.
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Yes, I knew it was right on the tip of my tongue.
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For me, I plan on- I thought you were going to go Yoda with do or do not, there is no try.
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I was not going that way.
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No, I just had a brain fart.
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For me, though, I plan on making kids eat what they get because I was raised like that and I see value in that, unless it s junk food, in which case, leave the fries.
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Spend money wisely, et cetera, but also show the kids how to create more of it.
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Because once they create more themselves, they realize that the process isn t magical, difficult, or special.
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That s what abundance means to me.
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The idea that these things are also valuable might slash should happen on its own because they had to earn some of it themselves.
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So they realize the abundance is there, but it s just not limitless or devoid of cost or consequence.
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So maybe drop the scarcity abundance thing and teach value instead.
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And Jason, you had a hilarious, well,
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depending on your perspective story of this in your own life.
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No, Pedro, you nailed it at the beginning.
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You said you were raised to value and take care of the things that you had.
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And you know, when I first, I was kicked out of my house when I was a kid and I got to go live with my dad and my dad taught me the value of money.
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And he taught me that by saying, we re going to go earn your allowance this week.
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And every Saturday and Sunday morning, we would get up and we would hit every dumpster that we could within a five mile radius.
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go dumpster diving and find aluminum cans, crush them, take them to the recycling center.
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And that was my allowance for the week.
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So I learned to value money because I was literally diving in trash every week just to get my allowance.
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So I could go buy like my skateboard wheels that week or some candy when I went to the store, you know, that was really how I learned to value money because I found out how hard it was to work for it and earn it.
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And I think you probably don t want to have your kids dumpster diving nowadays because they might get stuck with a needle or something, but,
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I lived in a more innocent time, but yeah, you just said like crazy.
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That s crazy parenting.
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I m sorry.
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I won t get into that.
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I tell you what though.
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My dad and I had so much fun doing that.
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It was one of the, that was one of my most cherished moments with my dad was going out there and doing that when we would find like a dumpster that somebody had dumped like a ton of cans and we d be out there crushing them, throwing in the bag
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and we d be like, woohoo, we just made 67 cents.
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That s awesome.
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Oh my gosh.
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Well, hey, listen, man, whatever you need to do to bond with your dad, I think that s interesting.
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But yeah, that is extreme, but hey, it ll do it, man.
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So teach value instead of scarcity and abundance, right?
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All right.
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I m sure this was very hard for her to do, and of course I d like to help her.
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My concern is she is atrocious with money.
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She s always broke.
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She s borrowed from our parents many times.
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To my knowledge, she has always paid my parents back.
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She needs the money to pay off some medical bills from a recent health problem, as well as the taxes on her house, which are back due.
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With all this going on, she still continues to smoke every day and drink all the time.
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She routinely drops her daughter off at my parents  house for the entire weekend so she can go to the lake and party with her significant other and their friends.
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I say this all because she obviously has some issues with her priorities.
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If I were to loan her the money, is it out of line to attach a copy of Ramit Sethi s book or another finance book like The Richest Man in Babylon?
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If I just give her the money, she learns nothing, but my hope is a book will teach her how to better prioritize her finances.
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Thanks for any help on the show.
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Here s my thoughts.
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Why isn t she borrowing the money from your parents?
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That s my first thought.
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So there s something fishy going on here.
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Maybe you just left out a detail that wasn t important, but it seems like maybe they drew the line and maybe you should do the same.
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But I ll humor you on this one as well and say, I m sure it was hard for her to ask her 27-year-old brother since you were born when she was 20.
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but something weird is going on here.
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I just can t shake it.
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She s also, yeah, she s terrible with money.
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You re not gonna be able to teach an old dog new tricks.
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Jason, I mean, you said it better than I could.
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She clearly, this is not gonna be a priority for her.
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If you can spare that money, great, but don t expect it back anytime soon.
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You might not even know.
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Maybe your parents are telling her she paid them back, because they don t want you to freeload, but maybe she s not doing that, so I would check with your parents, too.
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Yeah.
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And if you gave her a book, the first thing she s going to do is throw it at you.
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Yeah.
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And yeah.
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Have the parents actually gotten any of their money back and why don t they just sell the kid and, you know, pay off her medical bills?
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Ouch, you went to the cell of the kid.
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But seriously though, there s something wrong here.
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We re not getting all the information.
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I think there s probably, I don t think we re getting the full story, but no, you can t force somebody to do the self-improvement thing.
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If she really needed help, she d go, man, George, you re 27 and you make so much more money and you re so much more flush than me.
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Can you show me what you re doing and where I m going wrong?
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She would have asked you that, but no, she didn t do that.
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She said, hey man, can I borrow three grand?
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that was a difference and that shows you her mindset versus yours, you re not gonna change it.
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Definitely not by giving her a book that she doesn t want attached to a check.
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All right, this one comes from Michael.
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He says, good morning, Jordan.
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To make a long story short, I m more well off than most.
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I have monthly income from investments.
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I have a decent job.
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I have the funds to maintain my passion for music, et cetera.
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I m basically very independent.
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Because of these qualities, people, especially my loved ones, seem to cite them as reasons why it s quote unquote easy for me and not them.
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And they almost excuse themselves from taking the harder path because I just had it better than they did.
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It feels invalidating and dismissive, and it s starting to hurt.
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I m wondering what your response would be to such statements and responses to motivational attempts.
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On one hand, I get it.
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I sometimes get that visceral reaction of, must be frickin  great to be you, you privileged a-hole, when I hear from tremendously successful people, but I staunch that unproductive voice quickly.
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What s the Jordan Harbinger rebuttal to the oh-how-nice-for-you phenomenon?
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Well, here s a couple of things I caught in your message.
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You said, what would your response be to such statement and responses to motivational attempts?
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Are you trying to motivate your loved ones to make more money and do better?
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Because if so, and they re not asking you to do that, that is so obnoxious.
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They hate you for that.
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I know you mean well.
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I can tell by the way that you write.
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staunch that unproductive voice quickly.
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You re very emotionally aware of yourself.
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So when you re trying to help other people, you re thinking, hey man, I m solving your problem here.
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You should just do this and this and this.
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They don t necessarily want to hear that unless they re asking.
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And even if they are asking, it still doesn t mean they want the real answer.
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So they re probably giving you that attitude because they re sick of hearing you try to help them out because in their mind, instead of hearing, here s how you get this handled, they re hearing, look how rich I am and how I made it and look how much you re suffering because you don t know the things that I know.
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and that would burn bridges really quick.
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I do get this occasionally.
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I ll be talking to somebody, I hang out with a lot of really cool people, but my family, not my immediate family, my extended family, there s a little bit of like, oh, nice thing that you got there.
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Where d you get that?
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A lot of people are very, very proud of me and my extended family, which is mostly working class, middle class, whatever.
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But there s a lot of people that aren t, and I hear those little grumblings, but I just realize that it s just jealousy, and they don t hate me, and it s fine.
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And so when people give me the, oh, how nice for you, I don t stop in my tracks and go, but I worked for all this money, damn it.
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I just think, whatever, who cares?
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You know, at the end of the day, you win at life.
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If you ve got a happier life, you ve got your things in order, and they re stressed out.
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I m not saying these people are, but people who act like that and have that jealousy issue all the time and let it rule them are generally a little bit unhappy.
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So, I mean, who cares?
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You don t need to prove anything to them.
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I don t know, Jason, what do you think?
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Yeah, he was a little bit kind of vague with that responses to motivational attempts line, because it doesn t sound, it s hard to tell if he s the one that s giving the motivational attempts or if they re giving demotivational attempts with the nice to be you thing.
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But at the end of the day, you, you said it best.
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It s just like, you know what you re winning.
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They re not let it fall off your back, like water off a duck and just keep, keep trucking along and doing your thing.
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And you know what?
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Every time that they give you, you know, crap for it, just go, OK, well, I am going to go home and I am going to have my decent job and my passion in music, and I m going to be self-assured and independent.
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And you re going to just be miserable.
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Yeah, you don t have to say that, though.
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That s just going on in your head.
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Right?
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Well, maybe.
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It depends on how big of an asshole they are.
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Take whose opinion you want.
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I hope that you guys enjoyed that one.
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Don t forget you can reach us, jordanattheartofcharm.com.
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I read everything and I d love to hear from you.
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More from The Art of Charm at theartofcharm.com.
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Now have a great weekend.
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Get out there and connect and leave everyone better than you found them.
1
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Thanks for listening to the art of charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and everything for the extraordinary man at the art of charm podcast.com.