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Hey, before we kick things off, I gotta let everybody who has the AOC iPhone app know, if you re looking at it and you re like, why aren t podcasts showing up from after November?
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We didn t quit podcasting, as you know from listening to this.
0
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You may need to delete it and reinstall it.
0
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We re creating a brand new app.
0
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Something in the iOS update actually broke the way that the old app works, which is a huge annoyance, but the new app will be worth it.
0
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The one you download in the interim will have a fix for that, and the new one,
0
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that we re working on now.
0
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It s gonna have a lot of cool features and favoriting that saves the cloud and all this other stuff that you should check out.
0
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So, check it out.
0
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The artofcharm.com slash iPhone will take you to the download page and if you ve currently got it on your phone and it s not working, kill it and go back to the app store and reinstall it and you ll be back to where you were in the beginning.
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Alright, now onto the show.
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Time for Fan Mail Fridays, where we ll be answering your questions and dropping some knowledge and feedback to help you kick the weekend off right.
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, this isn t a great place to start.
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Most of our content is much more in-depth, longer format, so check out thebestof at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
0
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There we ve got the fundamentals of body language, nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, everything else we teach here at the Art of Charm.
0
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So for a handful of these, I thought who better to answer these than AJ, one of the head coaches here at the Art of Charm.
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So without further ado, here s AJ with the answers to some of your fan mail Friday.
0
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Dear Jordan, what is confidence?
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How does it differ from arrogance?
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I want to be more confident, but I m having trouble understanding exactly what confidence is, let alone how I cultivate it.
0
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What do you recommend in trying to get a grasp on what is actually meant by confidence?
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Signed, Looking for Answers.
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Thank you, Jason.
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This is a great question on defining confidence and how it differs from arrogance.
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And then how can we go about cultivating confidence in some areas of our life?
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Now, confidence is a topic that we discuss quite a bit on our week-long programs here at the Art of Charm.
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It s something that I ve struggled with in areas of my life, and I know Jordan has as well.
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So we first want to set out to define confidence in Art of Charm terms so that it is something that you guys can cultivate and build on.
0
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and then separate it from arrogance because arrogance is slightly different.
0
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So confidence essentially is a belief in yourself and your abilities.
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Now that means knowing your strengths as well as your weaknesses.
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And confidence is made up of three components.
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We call this our cake equation, C equaling confidence, right?
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Those three components, the A is attitude.
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Now that s a positive belief, right?
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And my favorite example of this is if we were to take a professional golfer and look inside of his mind before he takes that first swing on the golf course, right?
0
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What sort of mindsets or thoughts would we see in his mind that allows him to be so successful at golf?
0
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Well,
0
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Naturally, he would be picturing the golf ball going in straight and as far as possible, maybe even in the hole, right?
0
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He s not focused on the next shot being from the trees or from the sand.
0
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He doesn t have this belief in himself that the next shot s going to be a failure or this isn t going to work.
0
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So in order to have confidence in an area of your life, you need to start with a belief that you will be able to accomplish this.
0
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Things will work out.
0
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And in those areas of our life where we don t feel confidence, for a lot of us, it is socially, we have some negative beliefs and negative thought patterns that run through our mind that say, we re not good enough.
0
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We re not interesting.
0
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We re not attractive.
0
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This person is too busy for us.
0
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And those negative beliefs are what sabotage our confidence or our belief in ourself.
0
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Now, the second component of confidence is K, or knowledge.
0
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In those areas of our life where we are very knowledgeable, maybe we ve studied this topic for a number of years in school, or maybe on the job training, or reading lots of books and material, absorbing lots of material from mentors, right?
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Those areas that we are very knowledgeable, we tend to start to build some confidence and belief, again, in ourself and our abilities.
0
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Now the third component of confidence is experience.
0
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We find that areas that we have experienced a lot in, right, made mistakes, overcome some mistakes, tried, put some action and effort in, those areas of our life, we build off of that experience to build that belief again in ourselves.
0
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So it s attitude, knowledge, and experience.
0
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And when those three components are working in synergy, working together,
0
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you find that you have that strong belief in your abilities.
0
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Now, arrogance is slightly different, because arrogance is not only a belief in yourself, but it s a belief that you are better than someone else.
0
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So it s a fine line.
0
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But ultimately, confidence is about a belief in ourselves and knowing your abilities and knowing your weaknesses.
0
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And arrogance, the flip side of that, is having too strong of a belief in yourself, not being aware of your weaknesses, and overcompensating and believing that you are better than someone else.
0
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So if we look at this on a social realm, what we try to do here at the Art of Charm to build that social confidence, to alleviate some of that anxiety we might feel with meeting people and talking to people in social settings and environments, is we focus on believing that we re valuable people first, right?
0
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Having that attitude that I am valuable, I am someone who is important, who can help other people in life.
0
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And then we give you the knowledge through the course of all of the different patterns that we ve seen socializing as coaches.
0
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And lastly, we then go out and apply all of these strategies to build that experience, right?
0
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For you video gamers, we call that experience points.
0
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That is how we level up and start to build confidence in ourselves.
0
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Hey Jordan and AOC team.
0
SPEAKER_01
I m signed up for a bootcamp and can t wait until I get a chance to learn from you guys in person.
0
SPEAKER_01
The AOC Academy and podcast have done wonders for me, both in love and work.
0
SPEAKER_01
My problem is every time a girl expresses interest in me, I fall way too fast and find myself thinking about what our children s names will be.
0
SPEAKER_01
I can completely fall for a girl in just one date and it sucks because when it doesn t work out, I feel like I was broken up with, even though we weren t that serious.
0
SPEAKER_01
Do you have any advice on how to slow my roll and not fall stupidly in love with every girl who bats her eyes at me?
0
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Sincerely, just too soon, Josh.
0
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Great question, Josh.
0
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I m looking forward to meeting you here at an auto charm bootcamp coming up.
0
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I want to talk about this topic because it is something that I ve struggled with myself and I know that a lot of our clients have also struggled with and it is
0
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pining over that one person who shows us fleeting interest or even the smallest amount of interest and all of a sudden building it into something more in our head that is just unattainable.
0
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Now I found in working with guys for a number of years now that there are two things going on here that lead to this pining.
0
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The first is that we don t have a vibrant social life and social calendar, right?
0
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I found that in those moments in time where I get really focused on one particular person, it s because I haven t spent enough quality time with my friends socializing and going out, meeting new people, meeting other people, right?
0
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And social skills are like a muscle.
0
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They need to be worked out.
0
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They need to be stretched and they need to be used on an ongoing basis to stay strong.
0
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And what happens is if we let them slide and we hop online or we browse around the internet,
0
SPEAKER_00
And stay home is all of a sudden our social circle shrinks and we put all of this pressure and emphasis on one or two options we may have in our lives.
0
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When in reality, we need to be of the abundance mindset to be successful.
0
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We need to believe that there are multiple options out there.
0
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There s never just one option for us.
0
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And those options are easily attainable.
0
SPEAKER_00
And the easiest way to do this is to start going out and socializing more, which means saying yes to more invitations from your friends, right?
0
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When they invite you to do things, hopping on some dating apps and online.
0
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websites to start perusing and seeing other options and again stretching yourself socially.
0
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And lastly, just pick up the local newspaper, hop online to meetup.com and put yourself in a social setting with some people you don t know and start meeting new people.
0
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I know it sounds scary, but ultimately it s building these social skills that are going to make all of our dating and relationships stronger and easier.
0
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from that standpoint.
0
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So the second side of this is that we need you to start exploring areas and interests of your life that you can become passionate about.
0
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It might be sports, it might be hobbies, but again, it s an area of your life that maybe you ve set aside.
0
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You have thought, oh, it would be amazing for me to learn music at some point, but put it off.
0
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Right now is a good time to start sharpening some new skills, creating some new interests and exploring those fully.
0
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Because what we found time and time again is that the people who are most attractive are the people who have vibrant social lives and who are exploring their passions.
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passions to their fullest.
1
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It might be surfing, it could be stamp collecting, it could be coding, but it s exploring those areas and putting some focus on the things that you are truly interested in that allow your mind to escape that vicious cycle of, I only have this one option and now I have to pine over this one option and only think about them.
1
SPEAKER_03
There s a girl I m very interested in and she has an interest in myself as well.
1
SPEAKER_03
I found this out through my brother who she used to work with.
1
SPEAKER_03
There s one problem.
1
SPEAKER_03
She s married and has been separated for about seven months.
1
SPEAKER_03
It sounds like it s really going to be over from what I ve heard from her after we had recently reconnected.
1
SPEAKER_03
I m definitely not one to get involved in these types of situations, but I still really dig this girl.
1
SPEAKER_03
How am I supposed to approach this type of situation?
1
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Do I not communicate with her until the whole process is done?
1
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Or be her friend for now?
1
SPEAKER_03
Oh, and another thing.
1
SPEAKER_03
After we reconnected a month ago, we would text each other a few times a week, but I haven t gotten a response from her the last few times I texted.
1
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What do you think?
1
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I m assuming this isn t a common question you get from your listeners, but just thought I d see if you can shed some light on this, and maybe it can be useful for a tiny percentage of people in the same situation.
1
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All right, Mark, here s the straight truth, right?
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You re interested in someone who s separated and about to go through finalization of their divorce and you wanna know how to move things forward because you are interested and they ve expressed some interest in you.
1
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Well, there s a few things that you need to ask yourself before you really proceed in this relationship.
1
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Number one, how imminent is that divorce legally?
1
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Are they just now planning it or is it something that s already started and about to be finalized?
1
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Right, if they re just starting out to plan it
1
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It s going to be pretty messy, and getting involved could end up hurting both you and her, and her potentially building some resentment towards you because you re getting in the middle of the finalization of this relationship.
1
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If it s something that s on the tail end or it s pretty close to ending,
1
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then I think you can go ahead and ask yourself question number two, which is what is her living situation?
1
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Is she still living with her ex or is she living on her own?
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Right?
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If she s living with her ex, then dating is going to become very complicated and there s a good chance that he could be meddling.
1
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He could be trying to get her back.
1
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So you want to make sure that she s in a safe place emotionally and physically before you get too involved.
1
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Obviously, you know, she was married to this man and the separation is going to be a difficult time for her.
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And the third question I d like you to ask is how ready is she to move on, right?
1
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Does she talk about her ex constantly or express bitter feelings about her ex towards you, right?
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If he s a popular topic of conversation, there s a good chance that she hasn t quite gotten over him and there s a lot of emotional baggage there.
1
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And I m not sure you want to go through that healing process with her because it can take a really long time.
1
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And it could be very emotionally draining for you as well.
1
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So you want to make sure that not only is she interested in you, but she s in a safe place to start a relationship.
1
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If she is, then I would definitely say, start being playful and showing her some romantic interest over text and hopefully in person and try to move things along.
1
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If she s not really ready, she s still living with him.
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The divorce hasn t been finalized.
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and there s a chance that they might get back together.
1
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She talks about him constantly.
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She s not quite over him.
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Then I would back away and allow her to grieve and get over this relationship that s ending because it is a serious matter.
1
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It s fine in that situation to stay friendly and keep in contact, but remember, keep it light and easy and make sure that we re not getting into deep rapport or we re just being there for her emotionally as a crutch, right?
1
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Sometimes we can want to help and we ll get too emotionally involved and invested and it could end up burning us.
1
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I would also avoid discussing her ex with her, right?
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That should be a topic that you just don t bring up and you allow her to move on from.
1
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You don t want to add any fuel to that fire, so to speak, by continuing to talk about all the bad things or awful things that have happened to her or try to solve her problems there, right?
1
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You want to start anew and you want the focus of your relationship to be you guys.
1
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Now the second part of your question, what to do when she hasn t responded to your texts.
1
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I think one, it s a little difficult for me to analyze without having seen the text conversation, but this isn t uncommon, right?
1
SPEAKER_00
She s obviously going through a lot right now in her life.
1
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And I want to make sure that you guys don t end up reading too much into things.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s very easy sometimes for life to get in the way of texting, but unfortunately, we try to over-dramatize things and say, oh, she s just not interested, or this is clearly something about me.
1
SPEAKER_00
So I, again, would keep the text light and playful and keep engaging her in a fun way.
1
SPEAKER_00
If it s pushing to go out and she s not responding, if it s trying to see her out and she s not responding, then I would give her some more space and allow her to start initiating texting with you, take a break from it, and see if she starts to express more interest.
1
SPEAKER_00
Because you don t, again, want to put yourself in a situation where you re showing too much interest so fast and she still hasn t gotten over her ex-lover, her ex-husband.
1
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So to recap, you want to make sure she s in a good place to start a relationship and never read too much into text messages.
1
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If she s constantly turning down your advances to try to see each other, then I would hold off on responding and allow her to start expressing interest in you before moving forward.
1
SPEAKER_01
Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
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SPEAKER_00
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SPEAKER_00
Right now, Kajabi is offering a free 30-day trial to start your business if you go to kajabi.com slash charm.
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SPEAKER_00
That s K-A-J-A-B-I dot com slash charm.
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SPEAKER_01
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1
SPEAKER_00
Hey Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
1
SPEAKER_00
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1
SPEAKER_00
On Ways to Win podcast, Craig and Coach Cal use their on-court wisdom to solve your off-court problems.
1
SPEAKER_00
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1
SPEAKER_00
You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
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SPEAKER_00
And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
1
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
1
SPEAKER_03
Dear Jordan, my best friend is married and I get the distinct impression that his wife hates me because I basically haven t seen him since he got married.
1
SPEAKER_03
He says he s busy, but even if I want to come by or something, he doesn t want to see me.
1
SPEAKER_03
I can t tell if I m being paranoid or what.
1
SPEAKER_03
How can I tell if my best friend is actually avoiding me or just busy?
1
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Signed, Best Bro Left Gold.
1
SPEAKER_02
Hey best bro left cold.
1
SPEAKER_02
First of all, chances are better that you re being paranoid rather than anything else.
1
SPEAKER_02
Your friend just got married, he s obviously gotta dedicate a lot of time to his new wife.
1
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But even this is probably looking at it the wrong way.
1
SPEAKER_02
It s less that he has to do this and more that he actually, surprise surprise, likes spending time with his new wife and his new life.
1
SPEAKER_02
Did you ever have a new girl in your life that you give attention to at the expense of your friends?
1
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Imagine that times 100.
1
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That s what your friend is going through right now.
1
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And contrary to what sitcoms and stand-up comedians have us thinking, women don t trick men into marrying them.
1
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Men do it because they actually want to.
1
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So give your buddy a little bit of space, and in a couple of months, he ll be the best wingman you ever had, I promise.
1
SPEAKER_03
Dear Jordan, one of the weirdest things to me about women is when they start talking bad about themselves when I m flirting with them.
1
SPEAKER_03
Like, I ll be chatting with a woman and she ll say something about being fat or ugly or whatever.
1
SPEAKER_03
What s that about?
1
SPEAKER_03
What am I supposed to say to that?
1
SPEAKER_03
Or should I just move on to the next one?
1
SPEAKER_03
Signed, Confused.
1
SPEAKER_02
Hey, Confused, yeah, this is an interesting one, actually.
1
SPEAKER_02
Self-deprecation in a woman, in anyone, really, it s kind of a weird thing, but it happens a lot for all kinds of different reasons, so it should probably be addressed.
1
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Basically, there are a few ways that you can deal with this.
1
SPEAKER_02
I m not gonna go into the why of all of this, but I ll give you some strategies to deal with it in the first place.
1
SPEAKER_02
You can either ignore this, ignore her and completely change the subject.
1
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This is an application of what we might call
2
SPEAKER_02
what we call the Don Draper principle, that if you don t like what s being said, change the conversation.
2
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Something as simple as, yeah, so anyway, and just move on.
2
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If she s saying, oh, I m fat and ugly, or you can turn the question around.
2
SPEAKER_02
Rather than answering her, you can say something like, you re one of those girls who s obsessed with how she looks, aren t ya?
2
SPEAKER_02
And make sure that you have a big smile on your face, she knows you re joking around, you can acknowledge it and kind of,
2
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make it go away that way, but that doesn t always work, just FYI.
2
SPEAKER_02
Or, you can walk away.
2
SPEAKER_02
I mean, frankly, some guys just don t have the time, inclination, or interest to deal with somebody who s making these kinds of comments about themselves all the time.
2
SPEAKER_02
Look, people are gonna do this occasionally, but if this is happening all the time, constantly, there s tons of women out there with more confidence if that s what you re looking for.
2
SPEAKER_02
You know, it s okay to reassure somebody here and there.
2
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Don t get me wrong.
2
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A lot of people need that.
2
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It s something you do as a good friend, as a good partner in a relationship.
2
SPEAKER_02
But if this sort of seems to be the defining mode of communication, it s going to exhaust you and it s a red flag that s indicative of other things that are just frankly stuff you don t want to or need to deal with.
2
SPEAKER_02
And no matter how you choose to go about it,
2
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Note that a lot of people tend to do this, and women do this just as well as men, and her self-deprecating doesn t necessarily mean that she s totally devoid of self-confidence.
2
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It s just one of those things that many people do.
2
SPEAKER_00
So it could be a bad habit, or it could be a canary in the coal mine.
2
SPEAKER_00
I occasionally find myself in a situation in which I m around women where I ve completely foobarred the social interaction in the past.
2
SPEAKER_00
I still find it awkward to be around these women knowing that I ve messed up so badly.
2
SPEAKER_00
Any suggestions as to how I can rid myself of the feeling of awkwardness?
2
SPEAKER_00
I m not about to switch gyms or leave my third place because of them, but encounters still feel awkward.
2
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Signed, Jim.
2
SPEAKER_00
Hey, Jim.
2
SPEAKER_02
So this is an interesting one as well, because there s just not enough detail here for me to really dig into it on an intimate level.
2
SPEAKER_02
It depends on what you did.
2
SPEAKER_02
Do you need to apologize or do you need to kind of outframe and ignore this?
2
SPEAKER_02
Some people not being interested.
2
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is okay, it doesn t have to be awkward.
2
SPEAKER_02
If you didn t take the hint, if you didn t move on, since you hopefully followed the advice of not sort of shitting where you eat and trying to do this in the office, you never really have to see them again.
2
SPEAKER_02
It sounds like you didn t do that in the past, so now you re dealing with the consequences and you have to deal with the awkwardness, and there s just really no easy fix there.
2
SPEAKER_02
If you broke some of the cardinal rules of just dating at work, there might be awkwardness, you re gonna have to ignore it, and frankly, hopefully there s a lesson there.
2
SPEAKER_02
All right, hope you all enjoyed that.
2
SPEAKER_02
Thanks to AJ for popping in for those.
2
SPEAKER_02
Don t forget, you can reach us Friday at theartofcharm.com.
2
SPEAKER_02
We read everything and we d love to hear from you.
2
SPEAKER_02
This week, I also did a video about how to find your passion in work and it s not what you think it is.
2
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Some of you know already how I feel about that whole find your passion thing.
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And so I did a video kind of diving, a little bit of a deep dive into that.
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And a link to that blog post can be found at theartofcharm.com slash FMF for Fan Mail Friday, 47.
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Also, the Art of Charm Challenge is at theartofcharm.com slash challenge, or text charmed to 33444, step by step.
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helps you become better at making personal and professional connections, become a better networker, increase your personal social capital and charisma.
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It s for both guys and gals.
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So check it out at the art of charm.com slash challenge or text charmed to three, three, four, four, four quick shout out to Ibrahima Qatar and
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This is, I m not kidding, it sounds like I m making this up.
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Cheh Ching Chern in Malaysia, pretty sure I butchered that, but I m probably close.
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Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up, I ll shout you out.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com.
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Now have a great weekend, get out there and connect, and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to the Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.