0
SPEAKER_01
Welcome to the Art of Charm.
0
SPEAKER_01
I m your host, Jordan Harbinger, and I m here with producer Jason DeFilippo.
0
SPEAKER_01
Here at the Art of Charm, we don t have all the answers, but we definitely have all the right questions.
0
SPEAKER_01
Today on Fan Mail Friday, those questions come from you.
0
SPEAKER_01
If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, Fan Mail Friday is not a great place to start.
0
SPEAKER_01
Much of our content is more in-depth, it s a longer format, interview-based, so check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
0
SPEAKER_01
If you ve got our iPhone app, these are in separate categories.
0
SPEAKER_01
but they re also available online like that and in iTunes.
0
SPEAKER_01
There on the website, we ve got the fundamentals of body language and nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, influence, persuasion, everything else we teach here at The Art of Charm.
0
SPEAKER_01
We ll send all that to your inbox if you text CHARMED, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444 in the USA, or if you re not, go to theartofcharm.com.
0
SPEAKER_00
All right, let s cut to it.
0
SPEAKER_00
Hey Jordan, my wife and I have been together for over 10 years and married for three of those.
0
SPEAKER_00
She s crazy beautiful, smart, funny, adventurous, patient, fair, confident, creative, loves to cook.
0
SPEAKER_00
I ve never heard her actually fart and she has this uncanny ability to put me before herself.
0
SPEAKER_00
She s out of my league and I know I m a lucky dude.
0
SPEAKER_00
I feel like I m not able to keep up my end of the bargain lately.
0
SPEAKER_00
I ve kind of plateaued at work.
0
SPEAKER_00
In an ongoing effort to sharpen my sword, I started school and am laser-focused on a degree in statistics.
0
SPEAKER_00
I still work my normal 50-plus hours a week at the office, but now I ve got school and a ton of homework on top of that.
0
SPEAKER_00
I dig the challenge.
0
SPEAKER_00
The only issue is, I have little time left in my day to hang out with the raddest chick I know.
0
SPEAKER_00
And she s getting bummed.
0
SPEAKER_00
She says when I get home, I m either doing homework, studying, working, or sleeping.
0
SPEAKER_00
And I ve noticed I m not the laid-back, fun, just-for-the-ride kind of guy I used to be.
0
SPEAKER_00
I ve asked her how it makes her feel and she s been real with me.
0
SPEAKER_00
She supports me and she loves my drive for always wanting more, but she doesn t want it at the cost of losing the person I am.
0
SPEAKER_00
I need your help, man.
0
SPEAKER_00
I think my marriage is getting stagnant.
0
SPEAKER_00
My conversations are lacking importance or depth.
0
SPEAKER_00
I feel like I m telling the same tired jokes, same school and work stories.
0
SPEAKER_00
We re just not clicking like we used to and I know it s due to crappy effort on my part.
0
SPEAKER_00
I ve gotten no new content anymore.
0
SPEAKER_00
I forgot what it s like to be fun.
0
SPEAKER_00
I ve been leaning on her so much to take care of things around the house, emotionally, even physically.
0
SPEAKER_00
I told her we re going to run away to Tahoe this weekend just to get away from the bay and do something different.
0
SPEAKER_00
No work, no school, just us.
0
SPEAKER_00
but I m legitimately nervous I won t have anything cool or fun to offer.
0
SPEAKER_00
It s probably just because all of our recent interaction has been ho-hum, but I feel like I kinda lost my mojo around her.
0
SPEAKER_00
Am I losing it, man?
0
SPEAKER_00
How do I pick this back up?
0
SPEAKER_00
How can I become fun again?
0
SPEAKER_00
Keep on delivering the goods.
0
SPEAKER_00
Signed, she deserves the best of me.
0
SPEAKER_01
Hey man, I totally understand what you re going through here in a lot of ways and it sounds like you got married really young and that s fine.
0
SPEAKER_01
I mean that happens.
0
SPEAKER_01
There s plenty of good marriages that result from that.
0
SPEAKER_01
But a lot of people can grow apart if you re not careful.
0
SPEAKER_01
It can happen to anyone.
0
SPEAKER_01
probably especially the people get married young because there are still so many changes going in your twenties and thirties so you need to make time for experiences i think you re on the right track here with the tahoe trip but people have lasting happiness from these it s a memory to look back on there s anticipation beforehand that is created that causes you to remember things more strongly and more positively and also
0
SPEAKER_01
You can plan things together because that anticipation is very happiness-inducing or happiness-building and memory-building as well.
0
SPEAKER_01
So you re on the right track here with this.
0
SPEAKER_01
Also, you need sacrosanct time to relax and do things with one another.
0
SPEAKER_01
Not, hey, if we both have time at the same time on Thursday, we should do this.
0
SPEAKER_01
It s got to be no.
0
SPEAKER_01
On Thursday at four, me and my significant other, we do this, and it lasts two hours, and you both treat it like a meeting.
0
SPEAKER_01
Otherwise, I mean, the odds of you being able to schedule anything into your schedule are tough.
0
SPEAKER_01
Now you ve got the both of you trying to do it, and it s a last priority thing.
0
SPEAKER_01
No, you gotta make it a top priority thing, up there with the gym, up there with a work meeting.
0
SPEAKER_01
Also, you need to realize this period of work and study and all this craziness, it s a phase.
0
SPEAKER_01
Now, I m not saying it won t be replaced with another phase that s equally busy, but it does mean that it s a phase and you need to redesign your life to accommodate it.
0
SPEAKER_01
And that means making different types of plans, reprioritizing things, making sure you have time for each other and planning it, like I said before.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I wouldn t rush into kids.
0
SPEAKER_01
I mean, this is your choice, you can do whatever you want, but I would say rushing into kids, you might end up not being able to enjoy
0
SPEAKER_01
some of the fruits of your marriage because of the other fruits of your marriage, if you know what I m saying.
0
SPEAKER_01
So I would say think about the timing on that as well.
0
SPEAKER_01
And don t worry that you won t have anything to offer.
0
SPEAKER_01
It might be tough for you to relax at first, but the old Eric is in there somewhere.
0
SPEAKER_01
He s just buried under stress.
0
SPEAKER_01
So don t worry that you re burned out and your relationship is burned out.
0
SPEAKER_01
I think it s a little premature, at least from this letter, to say that.
0
SPEAKER_01
I think you re probably just both stressed out and you haven t redesigned your priorities in your life to accommodate one another yet.
0
SPEAKER_01
But it s totally fixable, it s totally solvable, and she s probably worried about it just like you are.
0
SPEAKER_01
So I think this is a great topic for you guys to discuss, and you can take some actions on that.
0
SPEAKER_00
What s up, Jordan?
0
SPEAKER_00
I was impressed to hear you mention in an episode that you sleep seven to eight hours a night.
0
SPEAKER_00
I realized over time that I really need at least this much sleep.
0
SPEAKER_00
How do you hustle as hard as you do and still ensure you do get enough sleep?
0
SPEAKER_00
It s a challenge for me.
0
SPEAKER_00
I have heaps of interest and really push myself hard.
0
SPEAKER_00
And how much do you exercise?
0
SPEAKER_00
Do you exercise every week?
0
SPEAKER_00
And how do you split your work up?
0
SPEAKER_00
Do you work weekends or do you intentionally rest?
0
SPEAKER_01
There are plenty of nights where I m not getting great sleep.
0
SPEAKER_01
Could be stress, could be I had caffeine too late at night, you know, had the old Diet Coke or doubled up on that at the sushi place and now I can t sleep as well.
0
SPEAKER_01
Or who knows?
0
SPEAKER_01
I mean, sometimes it s just too hot and I realize at 1 a.m., oh yeah, I m freaking too warm.
0
SPEAKER_01
Turn on the A.C., fall asleep.
0
SPEAKER_01
But generally I do get seven to nine.
0
SPEAKER_01
hours of sleep per night, and I realized when I was younger, I m great on six hours, I m fine, and I thought that s how tough people did it.
0
SPEAKER_01
But as I started my own business and realized that I could sleep later, I started going to bed earlier instead of sleeping in, and I realized my performance was just so much better.
0
SPEAKER_01
And what they re saying health-wise in terms of,
0
SPEAKER_01
Nobody s ever said too much sleep is gonna be bad for you.
0
SPEAKER_01
I mean, maybe if you re in the double digits every night, high double digits, whatever, every day, I could see that.
0
SPEAKER_01
But nobody says, oh, too much sleep is bad for you.
0
SPEAKER_01
And you shouldn t cut back on sleep to do other things like work and, if possible, because your performance dwindles.
0
SPEAKER_01
So why not keep yourself in tip-top shape, peak performance, and get enough sleep?
0
SPEAKER_01
I get it, hours in the day are limited, and I can see all of the single dads and single moms right now being like, psh,
0
SPEAKER_01
Whatever, Jay, but I ll tell you right now, I realized that sleep is just as important as working out, it s just as important as eating, it s just as important as the work that I m doing.
0
SPEAKER_01
And I also realized, all right, look, if you really don t have time to sleep, you might be one of the people who needs to redesign their life to do this, but for most of us, the reason I wasn t sleeping as much before
0
SPEAKER_01
It wasn t because I was working, it wasn t because I was doing anything important.
0
SPEAKER_01
Most of the time, I was watching something on Netflix, watching on my computer, reading, staying up too late with a screen in my face past 11 o clock at night.
0
SPEAKER_01
Those were the reasons that I was not getting enough sleep.
0
SPEAKER_01
I mean, now look, even if you ve got kids, go to bed when they go to bed, and if you have an early morning job, you should still be able to get seven plus hours of sleep.
0
SPEAKER_01
You just have to cut out some of the crap.
0
SPEAKER_01
And some of that crap is enticing because it s leisure time with our partner, but you might find that if you and your partner are just planting yourselves in front of the TV, what you should do is go to bed early and talk.
0
SPEAKER_01
And if your relationship is that stagnant that you re plotting yourselves in front of the TV every night, then talking to each other before you go to sleep should be very sleep-inducing as well.
0
SPEAKER_01
So I think it s a triple win on that one, but I can t underline enough the importance of sleep and how doable it is for most of us to be able to get more if we make the right choices.
0
SPEAKER_00
Hey AOC team, I ve been listening to your podcast for quite some time now and I ve been able to apply most of the talks into my everyday life and it s been working out great.
0
SPEAKER_00
I m a 28 year old gay man who s been in a relationship for a year now, but we ve hit a dark place and haven t been able to come back from it.
0
SPEAKER_00
It all started a few months ago when I noticed he was getting messages from a random person.
0
SPEAKER_00
I looked through his phone and sure enough he was talking to another guy.
0
SPEAKER_00
There was sexting in the conversation and not once did he mention he had a boyfriend.
0
SPEAKER_00
I asked him about it and he said he was very sorry.
0
SPEAKER_00
Every time the subject comes up about us, his response is always, I don t know, or I m not sure what to say.
0
SPEAKER_00
It started to seem like a one-sided relationship.
0
SPEAKER_00
I tell him every day I love him and he says it back too, but without any enthusiasm.
0
SPEAKER_00
He s been on hookup sites, and nowhere does it say he s in a relationship, and he says that it s just to make friends.
0
SPEAKER_00
But the profile says he s a top looking for a bottom.
0
SPEAKER_00
He lives a secret life with his family, and I have to be understanding of that, but yet he can t understand that it s a sacrifice I m making for him.
0
SPEAKER_00
I want to be with him, I love him, and I m still in love with him.
0
SPEAKER_00
I just don t know what to do.
0
SPEAKER_00
Sincerely, Heartbroken.
0
SPEAKER_00
Alright, so the first red flag here, this is a mess.
0
SPEAKER_01
This is a huge mess.
0
SPEAKER_01
But the first major red flag here is that you say he lives a secret life with his family and I have to be understanding of that, but yet he can t understand that it s a sacrifice I m making for him.
0
SPEAKER_01
He s not just leading a double life, he s willfully deceiving his family and he s willfully
1
SPEAKER_04
deceiving you, you just caught him on hookup sites and sexting and stuff like that.
1
SPEAKER_04
He s cheating, man.
1
SPEAKER_04
You gotta end it.
1
SPEAKER_04
He is cheating, not only on his wife, but also on you.
1
SPEAKER_04
This person is a cheater.
1
SPEAKER_04
This isn t somebody who just has the d- I almost-
1
SPEAKER_04
almost at some level understand if somebody s in a straight marriage and they re actually gay that there s these needs that aren t being met here.
1
SPEAKER_04
I m not condoning that anybody cheat on anybody.
1
SPEAKER_04
There s probably a way to handle this that s better, but this person is okay with cheating in other areas.
1
SPEAKER_04
It s not just
1
SPEAKER_04
that he s looking for this relationship with you outside of his marriage.
1
SPEAKER_04
He s looking for relationships or quickies or whatever outside of your relationship as well.
1
SPEAKER_04
And a lot of what I see here is victim mindset.
1
SPEAKER_04
You know, I m making a sacrifice, you re sad that he s cheating.
1
SPEAKER_04
Look, I m not disagreeing with that at all.
1
SPEAKER_04
you are making a sacrifice and you re sad that he s cheating and those are valid, but I think that you do need to end it and I think you re maybe willfully staying in this victim position because right now you re making your own bed by staying with him and choosing people who are already cheating on someone else to be your partners in relationships.
1
SPEAKER_04
What s that Ginuwine song?
1
SPEAKER_04
You re telling me it s different, but what the hell is different?
1
SPEAKER_04
If you cheated on him, you ll do it to me.
1
SPEAKER_04
I think that s appropriate here and yes, we just went back to high school, junior prom,
1
SPEAKER_04
for the advice on this Fan Mail Friday.
1
SPEAKER_02
Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
1
SPEAKER_01
They say if you do what you love, you never work a day in your life.
1
SPEAKER_01
But if you re an entrepreneur, you know the hard work that comes with it.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s why you need Kajabi.
1
SPEAKER_01
Kajabi makes it easy to run your entire online business from one platform, so you can focus on what you love.
1
SPEAKER_01
Creating.
1
SPEAKER_02
Kajabi is the ultimate all-in-one platform that helps creators and entrepreneurs build successful online businesses by unlocking predictable recurring revenue.
1
SPEAKER_01
No matter your niche, Kajabi makes it easy to turn your skills, passions, and experiences into enriching online courses, exclusive membership sites, subscription podcasts, thriving communities, personalized coaching, and more.
1
SPEAKER_02
The best part?
1
SPEAKER_02
Kajabi doesn t cut into your revenue because everything is owned and controlled by you.
1
SPEAKER_02
So keep 100% of what you earn.
1
SPEAKER_01
And with Kajabi, you also get robust analytics, easy payment options, email marketing tools, and customizable website templates, all built in.
1
SPEAKER_02
You don t even need a huge audience to make sustainable income.
1
SPEAKER_02
There are thousands of creators on Kajabi making six and seven figures with less than 50,000 followers.
1
SPEAKER_01
Right now, Kajabi is offering a free 30-day trial to start your business if you go to kajabi.com slash charm.
1
SPEAKER_01
That s K-A-J-A-B-I dot com slash charm.
1
SPEAKER_02
Go to Kajabi.com slash charm and join the creators and entrepreneurs who have made over seven billion dollars.
1
SPEAKER_01
Hey Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
1
SPEAKER_01
Winning is an everyday mindset and Craig Robinson and John Calipari are here to help.
1
SPEAKER_01
On Ways to Win podcast, Craig and Coach Cal use their on-court wisdom to solve your off-court problems.
1
SPEAKER_01
Whether it s trouble at home or a workplace dilemma, the coaches will help you find a winning formula for success.
1
SPEAKER_01
You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
1
SPEAKER_01
And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
1
SPEAKER_01
Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
1
SPEAKER_01
Now back to Fan Mail Friday.
1
SPEAKER_00
Next question.
1
SPEAKER_00
Hey Jordan, love your show.
1
SPEAKER_00
Last week an Indian guy wrote in about being unable to woo American ladies.
1
SPEAKER_00
I m a Korean-American that spent a long time trying to date white American women.
1
SPEAKER_00
I really need to reinforce the advice of finding friends.
1
SPEAKER_00
I was dating for a while with numerous failures that cost me some friendships.
1
SPEAKER_00
I ended up trying to start over and make a new network of friends.
1
SPEAKER_00
Through the process I found a really good one.
1
SPEAKER_00
That friend is now my wife.
1
SPEAKER_00
I also want to say that it s not because you re Indian that s causing you trouble.
1
SPEAKER_00
I don t know you, so I can t pinpoint it, but plenty of guys I grew up with, Asian American or not, had various troubles and successes.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s a learning process, and has nothing to do with your ethnicity, especially living in New York.
1
SPEAKER_00
As a fellow New Yorker, I can tell you that diversity could only be a good thing.
1
SPEAKER_00
Your story hit home for me, though, as my wife is an Indian immigrant, and if Jordan reads this, she might hear it on Friday.
1
SPEAKER_00
Good luck, stay positive.
1
SPEAKER_00
Some dude, formerly from Brooklyn.
1
SPEAKER_00
Hey, thanks some dude.
1
SPEAKER_04
Really appreciate it.
1
SPEAKER_04
I m glad to hear from you because it s at some level it is easy for me to say like just keep at it and assimilate and you ll be fine because I have no real experience doing that.
1
SPEAKER_04
So it s great to hear from somebody who s got the exact same experience situation and has now made sure that that s not a problem for him.
1
SPEAKER_04
So thanks so much Brooklyn.
1
SPEAKER_00
Yo Jordan, I love the podcast.
1
SPEAKER_00
I ve been listening since 2012 and it has helped me in so many ways I can t even quantify them all.
1
SPEAKER_00
Keep up the good work.
1
SPEAKER_00
On Fanmail Friday 75, you mentioned the option of dual enrollment.
1
SPEAKER_00
I did dual enrollment with the local community college when I was in high school.
1
SPEAKER_00
It s an amazing option for driven individuals.
1
SPEAKER_00
I graduated in 2014 with a high school diploma and an associate degree, and in 2015, I graduated with a bachelor s from UCLA.
1
SPEAKER_00
I went into UCLA with 70% of my degree already completed.
1
SPEAKER_00
Currently, I m an MBA student due to graduate this upcoming May 2017.
1
SPEAKER_00
All of that at the current age of 20.
1
SPEAKER_00
Hope this gives you a good example of the power of dual enrollment.
1
SPEAKER_00
Sincerely, Shiv, aka the laziest hard worker you ll ever meet.
1
SPEAKER_04
Shiv, thanks so much, man.
1
SPEAKER_04
This is really cool, this dual enrollment thing.
1
SPEAKER_04
I m telling you, I got multiple emails about dual enrollment.
1
SPEAKER_04
This one from Shiv just happens to be the one that was at the top of my inbox earlier today when I was looking for this.
1
SPEAKER_04
So, I just think that s so impressive.
1
SPEAKER_04
I mean, imagine going to undergrad with more than half of your degree already completed.
1
SPEAKER_04
That would have almost been enough to keep me out of trouble, and I would have been ahead of the game
1
SPEAKER_04
instead of oldest guy in law school.
1
SPEAKER_04
So I really, man, I love this.
1
SPEAKER_04
I can t get over that enough.
1
SPEAKER_04
If you are bored in school or not challenged, man, dual enrollment.
1
SPEAKER_04
Let us know how that goes.
1
SPEAKER_04
And if you re a counselor or guidance counselor or you have anything to do with dual enrollment or how it works, let us know because maybe we should create a resource about this or something like that.
1
SPEAKER_04
I don t know.
1
SPEAKER_04
It just seems like it s such a useful, cool thing.
1
SPEAKER_04
I m just so jells that I didn t know about this 15, 20 years ago, however long it may have been at this point.
1
SPEAKER_04
Hope y all enjoyed that.
1
SPEAKER_04
Don t forget you can email us friday at theartofcharm.com to get your questions answered on the air.
1
SPEAKER_04
A link to this blog post can be found at theartofcharm.com slash FMF77.
1
SPEAKER_04
Also don t forget about the Art of Charm Challenge.
1
SPEAKER_04
Text CHARMED.
1
SPEAKER_04
That s C-H-A-R-M-E-D.
1
SPEAKER_04
to 33444 here in the USA, or if you re not in the States, go to theartofcharm.com.
1
SPEAKER_04
We ll show you step-by-step how to become better at making personal and professional connections, becoming a better networker, increasing your personal social capital, your charisma, that magnetism.
1
SPEAKER_04
And it s for both guys and gals, so check it out.
1
SPEAKER_04
You re not excluded because you re one, not the other.
1
SPEAKER_04
You can even be both, I don t care.
1
SPEAKER_04
Text CHARMED, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D, to 33444 in the U.S., or if you re not, go to theartofcharm.com.
1
SPEAKER_04
Quick shoutouts to Charles Anderson.
1
SPEAKER_04
He s been on the internet for 40 years now.
1
SPEAKER_04
I didn t know the internet had been around for 40 years, honestly, but...
1
SPEAKER_04
He was, this is an OG internet user.
1
SPEAKER_04
Thanks for being a fan of the show.
1
SPEAKER_04
I m actually very humbled and impressed that you took the time to write to me and that you listen to the show.
1
SPEAKER_04
I love it.
1
SPEAKER_04
And Annie Viskus, I m sure I m pronouncing that incorrectly, but she s Estonian.
1
SPEAKER_04
She lives in Denmark and says AOC is her number one podcast that she listens to on her way to work and she makes her boyfriend listen too.
1
SPEAKER_04
Hi Annie and boyfriend.
1
SPEAKER_04
I hope you re enjoying the show as much as Annie is.
1
SPEAKER_04
Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
1
SPEAKER_04
If so, hit me up and I ll shout you out.
1
SPEAKER_04
A lot of people have emailed me and asked if I m going to Thrive this year.
1
SPEAKER_04
Yes, I am.
1
SPEAKER_04
It s in San Diego.
1
SPEAKER_04
I m going to be speaking there.
1
SPEAKER_04
If you don t know what it is or if you want to grab a ticket, go to attendthrive.com and if you use promo code AOC, you ll get 20% off your ticket.
1
SPEAKER_04
It s essentially an entrepreneur event for for-purpose businesses, you know, like if you want to
1
SPEAKER_04
sell eyeglasses, and then for each pair that you buy, somebody gets a pair in Guatemala.
1
SPEAKER_04
It s kind of like those types of businesses.
1
SPEAKER_04
It s really neat for entrepreneurs.
1
SPEAKER_04
I m going to be there.
1
SPEAKER_04
There s a lot of other cool speakers that are going to be there as well.
1
SPEAKER_04
It s like Jack Canfield, myself, there s going to be Pat Flynn, James Altucher, who you ve heard on the show, Rory Vaughn, Esther Kiss, Preston Smiles, Phil McKernan.
1
SPEAKER_04
There s a lot of AOC guests that are going to be around.
1
SPEAKER_04
So attend Thrive.com, promo code AOC for 20% off your tickets, and you will be able to say hello to me there.
1
SPEAKER_04
Not that that sweetens the deal, but I would love to see you.
1
SPEAKER_04
So check that out, and yeah, maybe I ll see you in San Diego.
1
SPEAKER_04
More from AOC at theartofcharm.com, including info on our live residential boot camps that we run every single week here in LA.
1
SPEAKER_04
So if you really want to dig into this stuff, work on your AOC skills with us as your coaches, that s bootcamp.theartofcharm.com.
1
SPEAKER_04
Now stay charming, get out there and connect, and leave everyone better than you found them.
1
SPEAKER_03
Thanks for listening to the Art of Charm.
1
SPEAKER_03
Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.