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Hey, welcome to the Art of Charm.
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I m your host, Jordan Harbinger.
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I m here with producer Jason DeFilippo.
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And here at the Art of Charm, we don t have all the answers, but we definitely have all the right questions.
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Today on Fan Mail Friday, those questions come from you.
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, Fan Mail Friday, look, I love it.
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People are obviously writing in, the segment works, but much of our content is more in-depth, it s longer format, there s interviews with people that you probably have heard of before, so I encourage you to check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the fundamentals toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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That s where we ve got things like the fundamentals of body language and nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, influence, persuasion, and everything else we teach here at The Art of Charm, both on the show and at our live boot camps in Los Angeles.
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We ll send a lot of that to your inbox if you text us.
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Text CHARMED, C-H-A-R-M-E-D, to 33444.
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So the phone number is 33444, and you text the word CHARMED.
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to that number, and we ll get a bunch of good stuff out to you.
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If you re anywhere else other than the U.S.
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where that actually works, you can just go to theartofcharm.com.
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Eventually this phone thing will be cleaned up, but until then, you know what, just go to theartofcharm.com.
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Everything you need is there, and everybody knows how to use the internet.
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All right, let s cut to it.
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Hi there!
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I m a new listener and heard Jamila s story through Fan Mail Friday this week.
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She was the young lady who discovered her boyfriend s dating apps on his phone.
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I m a straight female living in a big city and wanted to connect my experience with hers.
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I recently went through an eerily similar situation.
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My good friend told me she found my boyfriend s profile showing up on her feed.
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When I confronted him, he also said he forgot that they were on his phone
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And he may have used it just to satisfy some innocent curiosity the couple of times that we had heavier conflict in the last year.
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We talked it out and made a vow not to hide anything from each other.
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It s my effort to be forgiving and mature, I thought.
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Fast forward a month and there s tension again, where we decided to take a short break from each other.
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We reconvened for an intimate brunch and chat.
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We talked for hours about our plans together moving forward.
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Shortly after leaving our meeting, we are walking down a major downtown street when a girl jumps in front of us and states she s locked out.
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He pretends to not recognize or even know what she s talking about, accusing her of being on drugs and claiming that she s crazy.
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Given the awkward situation in the confrontation that was about to escalate, I excused myself from that scene.
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I started running away, and he also started running away.
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She chases us for blocks until my boyfriend and I are safely able to talk.
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Yes, you probably called it.
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He d been hooking up with three girls in the year that we ve been together.
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The girl on the street was someone he had sex with the night before our heart-to-heart meetup.
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This all happened exactly a week ago.
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He s always had a very secretive personality and always kept a distant connection with his exes, something I was uncomfortable with, but we discussed it, and I ultimately accepted it as his normal behavior.
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So with all these clues you d think I would have left months ago, but I was trying to be better at addressing my own insecurities, as he often reminded me I had to take ownership of these unwarranted doubts.
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Jamila, I m just realizing that I ve been enabling this guy s compulsive behavior.
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Where I felt like I needed to grow up and reflect on how I dealt with relationships and my own insecurities, well, he was clearly doing something else.
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I was wishing for signs all year, and I was ignoring them until finally there was a boulder that was just thrown in front of me.
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I felt like the universe was sending me the loudest signal possible to make me listen and open my eyes.
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You re not alone, and I would hate for you to endure any more pain because I really do understand.
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Reconnect with your strengths, and don t feel like it was all a lie.
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I wish you the best, and I ll be thinking of you wherever you are.
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Signed, W.
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This is great.
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Thank you so much, W, for sharing this.
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I think it s really unfortunate that people, us as just humans, sometimes we need to just be beaten over the head with our mistakes and our emotions and our difficult situations before we take the hint, and that s totally understandable.
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It s a part of life.
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I think this is a lesson that you won t soon forget.
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The problem is it can cause
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Damage as well, so it s great to have you reach out to another AOC sister and tell them your experience So they don t feel alone because I know that when stuff like this happens Man, it can really start to feel like you re the only idiot who has problems like this So just realize wherever you are of whatever kind of situation you re in someone else is going through the same thing and has made it out the other side so thanks W for sharing that and thank you Jamila for
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being so open about this and being so vulnerable.
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I think that s very special.
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And I love that we re a part of that.
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All right.
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Question two.
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Dear AOC team, I m a recent subscriber to the podcast.
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Thanks to my sister who insisted I check it out.
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I ve enjoyed listening to your show, even if some of it s not always directly applicable.
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Your first email on today s podcast, however, was almost as if I d written it many years ago and feel compelled to write in and add to what you ve said.
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Some years ago, my wife and I separated.
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We were two busy people with two little kids and she didn t realize how much stress she was bringing home every day.
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Of course, I was the one who had to deal with her anger, irritability, et cetera.
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Things got so bad after we separated that I went to the trouble of filing for divorce.
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There was a potential new woman in my life.
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Surprisingly, my wife and I managed to make it work in the 11th hour and we ve been together in an improving relationship for over a decade since.
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I had some observations that your listener and others may find helpful.
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First,
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I like the advice to stop contact with the other woman.
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Your priority is your marriage, and if it is destined to fail or succeed, it has to be with your undivided attention.
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Any attention you give someone else is attention not going to saving or ending the existing relationship.
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You can t judge your spouse against the benchmark of some infatuation.
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You re no prize yourself.
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I realized very quickly that even though she had her share to bring to the conflict, there is always some causality on both sides.
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She knows me better than anyone and the schmoopy phase is dangerous.
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Third, you have to decide if you ever loved your spouse.
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If you did, do you want to save your marriage?
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It s easy to quit.
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It s harder to stay.
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I will tell you that I don t know anyone who survived what our marriage had become, but we are stronger people for it.
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You can t be fickle about it.
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Decide that you re in or you re out.
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It s like locking the door and throwing away the key.
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Fourth, don t expect big changes from your spouse, but if you re both committed to working it out, you can expect olive branches and small progress.
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Both of you have to want to look inward for change.
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I can t believe that my wife now enjoys going to my favorite sporting events, and I will go to her chick stuff too.
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You do things because you ll make the other person happy.
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All relationships have a power dynamic, and it has to be bi-directional.
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Fifth, being in a recovering marriage is like being a recovering alcoholic.
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You never say that you ve reached your outcome.
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Don t expect it will ever be perfect.
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You re always working towards it.
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Marriages work.
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Marriage is hard.
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You have to believe it s worth it.
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I m now much older and I am happy that I stayed for many reasons.
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Sixth, communication.
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You both have to be on the same page.
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We were separated for about a year when we finally got back together for good.
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We had tried before, but we were not on the same page.
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You have to fight fairly.
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You have to learn to communicate.
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It s the root of all success and failure.
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Sorry for the length, but I felt some added advice might be in order.
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Keep up the good work.
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Signed, Back from the Brink.
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literally attractive nuisance hanging out in your periphery that s always the grass is greener that s always smiley and friendly and fun and new and fresh and interesting where s your marriage has real issues and i agree that you can t judge your spouse against the benchmark of some infatuation i think it s really funny you re no prize yourself well you don t have to beat yourself up but i think it s brilliant to realize look you re the reason
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that your partner looks less attractive than some shiny new object is because you know him or her so well and just like you know yourself and you realize that you both have imperfections and that s what s causing you to take that cold shower and it s a good thing it s not a bad thing it s not the magic isn t gone this is the magic and I think that somebody else getting in the way of that is tragic.
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And yes, don t expect big changes.
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I think that s huge, because I think a lot of people go, all right, we re gonna go to therapy and get this handled, and then they re holding hands for a week, but it s not really all sunshine and roses, they ve just swept everything under the rug.
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I think you re right, I think it is piece by piece by piece, just like a recovering alcoholic, one day at a time, you ve never quite reached the outcome.
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But as long as you re doing the communication thing, you re on the same page, and you re making an effort on both sides, I think that s brilliant.
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And so you re right, back from the brink, thanks so much for sharing.
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your hard-won wisdom here, it s clear that you ve been through this and come out the other side, and I think that s very, very valuable.
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Good morning, Jordan.
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Just got my daily dose of fan mail Friday and wanted to provide some feedback to LA Poor.
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While I certainly wouldn t say I grew up poor, I don t know if I can comment on LA s judgment as I grew up in the Bay Area.
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I can relate in the way that I found myself surrounded by a network and a friend group with families in a much higher tax bracket than my own.
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I completely agree with you in your response that it s all a mental thing, but wanted to add on that money can play a background role.
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I didn t intentionally attempt a network based on money, but sometimes wondered what brought me into that circle.
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I ve noticed that you re correct, the rich people don t often discuss or even judge based on money, but people in general tend to be attracted to people similar to them.
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A general observation is that people with money tend to carry themselves with confidence and pride, and are often focused on topics besides money such as friendship and business performance
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rather than income, and just fun things they re doing with their life overall.
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If he or she has the mentality of money as a big focus, it affects their conversation points and opinions, and even automatically puts them in the mindset that those people are better than him or her based on income.
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I m now at a similar income level as most of my network, which I don t think is coincidental since I didn t start there, and find myself more drawn to people who take pride in what they do and like to do it well, and seem to enjoy life more regardless of their wealth.
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One last observation is that if we re going out at night, for example, we re less likely to tag along with a guy in cargo shorts, mid-ankle white socks, and New Balance shoes than a more well-dressed person, which probably relates to taking pride in themselves as well.
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Overall, I d see if L.A.
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Poor gets in a similar mindset without purposefully attempting to buy friends.
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They ll end up where they want to be.
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My gratitude, as always, for your advice and motivation and keep up the good work.
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Best, Ethan.
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Hey, Ethan, this is really great.
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Thanks, man.
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I appreciate this.
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Again, somebody who s been through it and come through the other side.
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I think you have a good call here, especially with respect to income affecting focus, which affects the conversation points that you bring up.
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Wealthy people, at least the ones that I know, they don t want to talk about status directly because it can be awkward.
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I m talking about economic status, social status.
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So that s maybe why they re being driven away a bit.
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If somebody s talking about that nonstop from a place of need or lack, it can be awkward for everybody.
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It doesn t mean they don t like you.
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It doesn t mean they don t want to talk to you.
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It just means that there s sort of an unspoken rule that s maybe being broken here, which is, hey, we don t talk about Fight Club.
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We don t really want to think about the fact that we re privileged and we have more money than other folks.
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And I know just even my own personal experience, I don t like thinking about that kind of thing very much because it tends to drive a wedge between me and the other people that I m around and that s sort of by definition uncomfortable, that break in rapport.
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I think you re right, and I think it is not from coincidence that your income level has risen being around smart, successful people.
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I mean, there s a reason people say you only go as high as your five closest friends.
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If you didn t start there, but you ended up there, it could be in large part because you ve picked up habits and mindsets from people that are doing well, and that s a good thing.
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So great, congratulations there, and hopefully some of that will rub off on the rest of yous.
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Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
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They say if you do what you love, you never work a day in your life.
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But if you re an entrepreneur, you know the hard work that comes with it.
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That s why you need Kajabi.
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Kajabi makes it easy to run your entire online business from one platform so you can focus on what you love.
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Creating.
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Kajabi is the ultimate all-in-one platform that helps creators and entrepreneurs build successful online businesses by unlocking predictable recurring revenue.
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No matter your niche, Kajabi makes it easy to turn your skills, passions, and experiences into enriching online courses, exclusive membership sites, subscription podcasts, thriving communities, personalized coaching, and more.
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The best part?
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Kajabi doesn t cut into your revenue because everything is owned and controlled by you.
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So keep 100% of what you earn.
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And with Kajabi, you also get robust analytics, easy payment options, email marketing tools, and customizable website templates, all built in.
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You don t even need a huge audience to make sustainable income.
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There are thousands of creators on Kajabi making six and seven figures with less than 50,000 followers.
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Right now, Kajabi is offering a free 30-day trial to start your business if you go to kajabi.com slash charm.
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That s K-A-J-A-B-I dot com slash charm.
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Go to Kajabi.com slash charm and join the creators and entrepreneurs who have made over seven billion dollars.
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Hey Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
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Winning is an everyday mindset and Craig Robinson and John Calipari are here to help.
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On Ways to Win podcast, Craig and Coach Cal use their on-court wisdom to solve your off-court problems.
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Whether it s trouble at home or a workplace dilemma, the coaches will help you find a winning formula for success.
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You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
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Thanks for listening and supporting The Art of Charm.
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For a list of all of our sponsors and those discount codes, visit theartofcharm.com.
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Now back to you on Fan Mail Friday.
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Hi there, I have to complain.
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Fanmail Friday and the mini-episode on Monday is cluttering up my podcast feed.
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I prefer 30 minutes or over, dense info or an in-depth story.
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Seriously thinking of unsubscribing and just checking every few weeks to see if a good episode has popped up.
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SPEAKER_00
Erasing the podcast spam each week is annoying.
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You should put that junk on a separate feed.
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Sorry to complain, but I know you guys like feedback.
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Eliza.
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Eliza, people you re talking to on the internet are real people.
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I know that s news for a lot of you, some of you, hopefully a small number of you actually.
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But you can t just abuse people because you re in a bad mood, which probably stems in part from the results of treating other people poorly, like this.
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So Eliza, don t worry, stay tuned for a refund on the shows you didn t like.
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Oh wait, this is all free.
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Here s a weird one that I didn t totally get.
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Tim Strange tweeted at me and says, quick question, have you intentionally stopped using verbal air quotes?
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If so, thanks.
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And I don t think that I have, but I do agree that verbal air quotes is not always a good form of communication on radio for obvious reasons.
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Plus, the audience is international, I think a lot of people don t catch my tone change when I use air quotes, but I ll tell ya, I m not sure that I know how to communicate
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without air quotes, it s been the 90s, these things were huge, and I took to them like a fish to water, and so there are a lot of air quotes in my past, and unfortunately there are probably some verbal air quotes in my future, so sorry Tim, I don t think that I have stopped, but I am in a 12-step program.
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Here s a little bonus that I thought of during a conversation with an AOC bootcamp alum.
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Essentially, he didn t know what he wanted to do as a young guy, just graduated from school, and he wanted to do some kind of long travel trip.
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So he came up with something along the lines of this, and I would love to hear other people doing something similar or interested in doing this.
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Basically, he built a website about
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an upcoming journey from London to Shanghai, and he s gonna do it over land.
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And he s gonna include places on this website where the sponsors would go, and he s creating video, creating photo albums, gonna get Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and especially doing Facebook Live, and then kind of get a budget together.
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and pitch various companies to sponsor the trip, which is an easy win for them, right?
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Because these people, these sponsors, oftentimes they re just, you know, they re gonna give you the backpack, they re gonna give you the hiking shoes, they re gonna give you the clothing, they re gonna give you the whatever, the international data plan.
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This is a really easy win for them.
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The hard part of this is getting in touch with the right people, hustling, telling them the value proposition.
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But once you ve got the video, you ve got the page together, you ve got the social media together,
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you ve got an actual product you can pitch and these companies have sponsor money coming out of their ears.
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They re giving away stupid keychains at trade shows and flying people to various events and putting them up in hotels and paying for their food.
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For you to be an online marketing property with a following that can do that for them for one-tenth of the price, which might still be a grand or even more, I mean this is something that is just such an easy win.
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Free little idea there for a lot of the folks that I know that are young that want to do something cool between kind of school and the real world.
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And I think this is an easy win all around.
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Hope you all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget you can email us Friday at theartofcharm.com to get your questions answered on the air.
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A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at theartofcharm.com slash fmf83.
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Also, we ve got the AOC Challenge.
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You can text CHARMED, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D, to 33444 here in the States.
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Anywhere else, go to theartofcharm.com.
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We ll teach you how to be a better networker, develop better personal and professional connections, increase your personal social capital, your charisma, that magnetism, that je ne sais quoi.
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And it s for both guys and gals, so check that out.
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Just text CHARMED, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D, to 33444 here in the States.
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Or if you re not, just go to theartofcharm.com.
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By the way, I m doing a lot of speaking these days.
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I love speaking.
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I ve got time to speak somehow.
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Well, I make time to speak.
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So if you d like to have me come and speak to your organization, your company especially, reach out to me.
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I m Jordan at theartofcharm.com.
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I plan on doing a little bit more of this before.
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you know, before I get sick of it or have something else that I need to do instead.
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Quick shout out to Matt Reynolds.
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This guy is a trainer.
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My trainer, Matt Reynolds, he has changed my life.
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He s got me working out, doing some basic Olympic lifts, some kettlebell stuff, super, super generous with his time and expertise.
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He s really making a huge impact on my health.
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He trains people online, too, so there s no excuse not to have a trainer, be getting this area of your life together.
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He s not a sponsor of the show,
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He s a sponsor of my healthy lifestyle, and I think you should check it out and engage with him if you want to get stronger and not kill yourself doing it.
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The link to his website is ReynoldsStrong.com.
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We ll link it in the show notes.
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R-E-Y-N-O-L-D-S Strong.com.
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It is really, really good.
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He uses a really simple online interface.
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I m having no trouble following it, and frankly, it s fun.
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Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up, I d love to shout you out here.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com, including info on our live residential boot camps that we run every week here in LA.
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So if you want to dig into this stuff and work on your AOC skills with us as your coaches, check out bootcamp.theartofcharm.com.
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Now stay charming, get out there and connect, and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to the Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.