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All right, time for Fan Mail Friday.
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I m your host, Jordan Harbinger.
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I m here with producer Jason DeFilippo.
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We ll be answering your questions and dropping some knowledge and feedback to help you kick the weekend off right.
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, this isn t a great place to start.
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Most of our content is more in-depth and longer format, so check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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That s where we ve got the fundamentals of body language, nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, everything else we teach here at The Art of Charm.
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And we ll send all that to your inbox if you text CHARMED, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D, to 33444 here in the USA, or if you re anywhere else, USA included I suppose, you can go to theartofcharm.com, anywhere the internet is found.
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All right, let s cut to it.
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What s up Jordan?
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I m a 20 year old undergrad at the University of Florida.
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Your podcast has changed my life.
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Before I found AOC, I was a fairly confident and outgoing guy, but I knew I could always improve.
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I m single and I typically go out twice a week.
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When I do, it always starts with me having an incredible time.
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Just having fun with whoever crosses my path, flirting and dancing with girls, and letting loose.
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But after about two hours, something inside me changes.
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I begin to grow very cold, distant, and reflective, and I feel like an outsider.
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I look over the moving body of people in front of me, and I find myself infatuated with the raw energy, but something deep inside me tells me to leave.
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I find myself silently leaving venues to return to my apartment to work on my book, get ahead with school, or maybe just reflect.
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I don t know why I do this.
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I like to tell myself it s because I m extremely motivated and ambitious, but at the same time, since I was a kid, I ve always felt like an outsider.
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I was homeschooled for a significant portion of my life and didn t have any friends.
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My dad was a pastor at a church, so I grew up in a very sheltered environment and was highly introverted.
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I ve had to work extremely hard for the last four years to build up my confidence.
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It s never been easy or comfortable.
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My question to you is this, when I am overcome with these feelings, should I fight them, try to push them down and just relax, or should I go with my gut and walk out the door?
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Sincerely, Johnny.
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Hey Johnny, thanks for writing this in.
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You know what, look, from my initial read of this,
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you re an introvert and that is totally okay.
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I don t mean, oh, you re an introvert, you have no social skills.
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What I mean is you recharge by being alone and that s totally fine.
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I definitely feel your pain here or your psychological anguish.
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Look, introverts recharge generally by spending alone time, gathering their thoughts, reading, whatever.
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Extroverts recharge by going out and being social and having a bunch of experiences.
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So that s why you see some people going out all the time and they re kind of addicted to it.
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Some of those people are introverts and they re forcing their way through it, and some of those people are extroverts and they really, really enjoy it.
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And other people, especially since it s college, are just going out because they want to avoid academics, because they re afraid they don t know what the heck they re doing, and they re going to crash and burn.
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But either way, man, don t fight it.
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Indulge.
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This is what you need.
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You need to recharge.
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I tried to fight this in college.
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I fueled it with alcohol.
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That was a bad idea.
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and a lot of other people are doing the same thing.
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You know, you go, ugh, I need some alone time.
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No, I don t, I just need to be wasted and not care anymore.
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That s no good.
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And we re actually gonna do an entire show about introverts with someone called Susan Cain, who is the introvert expert.
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That s not her branding, that s my cheesy branding.
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But we re gonna address this more in depth, so stay tuned for that.
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Hey Jordan, I m currently 25 and I met my girlfriend in high school.
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We became official in college and so far it s been a strong five years.
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She s super sweet, treats me well, and we click.
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To further understand the dynamic and culture of our relationship, I d just like to add we are strong Christians and the foundation of our relationship was based on our love for each other and the commitment to our faith.
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Meeting so young, we were virgins and decided to stay that way until we got married and our relationship has developed under these terms.
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Last week, I was hit hard by her confession that in fact, she was NOT a virgin.
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She had sex with her ex a couple of times before we were dating.
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I was so shocked and upset, not at the fact that she was not a virgin, but that she had lied to me all these years.
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Also, my pride was extremely damaged because now I m thinking, was I just not sexually attractive enough to have her want to have sex with me?
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I understand why she lied.
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She wanted to preserve her image of purity in front of everyone, including me and probably even herself.
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But understanding her reasoning doesn t make her actions right.
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Now, every time I see her, I just get angry.
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There are times when we re hanging out casually, I m not even thinking about what she did, and then suddenly a surge of anger boils inside me and I just can t stand being around her.
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How can I deal with this?
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It s not like having sex with her will make me feel better.
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I m sure she still doesn t want to have sex until marriage.
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She said she understands if I want to break up with her for it.
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Do I just need to quote unquote man up and get over it?
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Perhaps I m just overreacting.
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I really don t think I am.
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Signed, The Deceived Virgin.
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I m really not sure this one can be fixed.
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And you re very young, so my gut says move on.
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You re the only one who can make that decision, but my surrogate grandpa in me says, look, you re young.
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You re too young to commit like this, especially in the face of these big lessons that both of you needed to learn here, both of you.
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And I m not saying you should even be mad at her.
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I mean, she s obviously feeling terrible.
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You re feeling pretty deceived.
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You definitely were.
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You were definitely wronged.
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I don t think you should hold onto that.
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I don t think that does anybody any good.
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But you ve got your whole life ahead of you.
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So I really don t think that you should try to repair this.
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If you feel strongly that you should, go for it.
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I don t have any advice to that.
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I think you should cut your losses and move on.
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I just think the damage is too great here and you re too young.
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It s not really worth it.
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All right, next question.
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Hey Jordan, just wanted to say thanks so much for your podcast.
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I was hitting on a girl, miserably I might add, and she recommended I check out this podcast.
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The turnaround for me has been great since I ve started listening.
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The reason I wanted to say thanks, I ve always been distant with my family since I moved out for college about six or seven years ago.
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My parents have gone through a real rough patch and just got divorced.
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Thanks to AOC, I decided I needed to take action and make sure our family stays together.
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My dad was the real pill to start talking to.
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He owns a small retail store and can only complain about finances, which it turns out was the main reason for the divorce.
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And I finally told him how I felt about our conversations and told him I d like him to start listening to AOC so we can have discussions about different podcasts and have intelligent conversations rather than negative ones.
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It worked like a charm.
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The whole family is now getting into the podcast and it s really helped us all learn how to be better, more genuine people.
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Thanks so much, man.
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Wow, this is a really cool email.
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I really, really appreciate it, man.
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I think it s really funny that a girl told you about this when you just tried to talk to her and just epically failed and crashed and burned.
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And I think it s great that you took her advice.
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I m proud of you for doing that.
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I think most guys would rip up that proverbial napkin and throw it right in somebody s face.
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That s why so many people
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are afraid to share the show with friends and family, but the fact that you not only took the advice, but you shared it with your family and it s turned your life around, man, that makes my day.
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Thanks for sharing that.
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All right, question four.
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Hi Jordan, I m 26 and I have a small group of friends that I ve had all through high school, two of them since third grade, so we ve spent most of our lives together.
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In the past few years, I ve become very critical of what I believe, really trying to base my life around things that only have valid evidence.
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I m an atheist and have recently become involved in volunteering for secular organizations, mostly working on removing religion from publicly funded schools.
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I don t really talk about this stuff with my friends because I know they all have very different beliefs than I do.
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For example, my sister told me my last relationship didn t work because our birthdays didn t align correctly.
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One of my friends tried to read my aura, is against vaccines, and all western medicine, GMOs, and the list goes on.
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I ve always tried to respect their differences, but as my life grows more scientifically and politically based, I find them pushing their beliefs on me.
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The aura reader went through my medicine cabinet and lost it on me for taking acne medicine and antidepressants.
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She told me she had a miracle herb that could clear both.
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Yes, that s right.
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One herbal medicine that cures depression, anxiety and acne.
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She also noted it cures all types of chronic pain.
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I went for lunch the other day with them for my birthday and was told I have nothing going on in my life because I don t own a house and have kids, but I work full time.
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I m in three courses per term and I volunteer.
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My question is, am I unduly tolerant of our differences, or are they just being overbearing?
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Have I simply come to the point in my life where I ve outgrown my high school friends?
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If I have,
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to my next step.
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It s been so long since I ve made new friends, I don t even know where to start.
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Thank you, my cats are my only friends, Sarah.
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I think you need to move on at least a little bit.
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I don t think you should sever ties or anything, but you need to maintain these friendships, if you do, at arm s length.
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Be nice, hang whenever you want, do something sort of superficial or hang out or just don t talk about the things that drive you nuts.
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You need others, you need other people for that, for the things that you care about.
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You need a different circle of friends that s going to care about the same things that you care about.
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It doesn t mean your old friends are not useful or have any value anymore, but
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If you re constantly bashing your head into the wall here, it s gonna be damaging to your friendships, but it s also gonna be damaging to your sanity.
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And it s okay to outgrow people.
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This is supposed to happen.
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It s a bummer when we outgrow things that have sentimental value, like really cool old clothes, or old friends, or old cars.
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And yes, I m putting people in the same category as things here, but I don t really believe that they re equal footing.
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But it s okay to outgrow people.
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Look, it s supposed to happen.
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You re supposed to grow.
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Not everybody grows in the same direction.
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And it makes sense that you re moving in different directions.
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If you try to lean back in because of what essentially is the sunk cost fallacy, right?
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Spilled milk, time, we ve known each other for so long.
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Imagine doing that with a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
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It s a terrible idea.
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Why do we do it with our regular friendships?
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If you keep leaning back in because of sunk cost fallacy, you re gonna end up miserable.
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And often we feel guilty moving on because we feel like we owe these old friends something.
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And to be fair, you owe them the fairness of communication and you don t have to, again, cut them out of your life completely, but you owe yourself the freedom to move forward.
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So I hereby give you permission to make some new friends that are going to be healthier connections for you.
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And I hope that helps.
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Hey, Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
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Winning is an everyday mindset, and Craig Robinson and John Calipari are here to help.
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On Ways to Win podcast, Craig and Coach Cal use their on-court wisdom to solve your off-court problems.
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Whether it s trouble at home or a workplace dilemma, the coaches will help you find a winning formula for success.
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You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
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Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
1
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They say if you do what you love, you never work a day in your life.
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But if you re an entrepreneur, you know the hard work that comes with it.
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That s why you need Kajabi.
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Kajabi makes it easy to run your entire online business from one platform so you can focus on what you love.
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Creating.
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Kajabi is the ultimate all-in-one platform that helps creators and entrepreneurs build successful online businesses by unlocking predictable recurring revenue.
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No matter your niche, Kajabi makes it easy to turn your skills, passions, and experiences into enriching online courses, exclusive membership sites, subscription podcasts, thriving communities, personalized coaching, and more.
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The best part?
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Kajabi doesn t cut into your revenue because everything is owned and controlled by you.
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So keep 100% of what you earn.
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And with Kajabi, you also get robust analytics, easy payment options, email marketing tools, and customizable website templates, all built in.
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You don t even need a huge audience to make sustainable income.
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There are thousands of creators on Kajabi making six and seven figures with less than 50,000 followers.
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Right now, Kajabi is offering a free 30-day trial to start your business if you go to kajabi.com slash charm.
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That s K-A-J-A-B-I dot com slash charm.
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Go to Kajabi.com slash charm and join the creators and entrepreneurs who have made over seven billion dollars.
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All right, and a little bonus.
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Sometimes, apparently, normal testosterone levels can mask high conversion of testosterone to estrogen via a process called aromatization, which will show up as similar symptoms to overtly low testosterone.
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Even in younger guys, this is an increasingly huge problem because of all the endocrine-disrupting chemicals in our world.
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Other things that can lower testosterone, including not getting enough sleep, and they do have a one-year-old, so this might be a contributing factor.
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Love the show and keep up the great work, Lauren.
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Hello, Jordan.
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About three months ago, I met Girl.
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Girl is 25, a soon-to-be graduate student, and in most respects, a social media-imbibing, Instagram-updating, like-counting millennial.
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I m not into social media and favor work and a core group over the raw excitement of perpetual novelty.
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I was initially over-infatuated and believed that she was, in looks at least, out of my league.
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But we have tremendous chemistry and immediately started spending tons of time together.
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In fact, she stays at my place five or six nights a week.
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The overall feeling is great, but there are a few things that bother me and make me wonder if I need to cut it off sooner than later.
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To preface this, she came to the US about a year and a half ago from China.
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Her cultural understanding is different, and her English is not bad, but not fluent.
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I spent time in China and studied Chinese, so I give a lot of benefit of the doubt for language and cultural misunderstandings.
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We ve dated for a month, and just last week we committed to an exclusive relationship.
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Here are the issues.
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She has a lot of guy friends she s met through Tinder and other apps, and they buy her gifts and take her places.
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She says she does not consider a guy buying her dinner and taking her to a movie to be a date unless she s interested in him.
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She deletes all of her messages, call logs, and history on a daily, probably compulsive, basis.
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In addition to being generally suspect in my mind, it s been a problem when we have missed commitments because she deleted the address, phone number or message about meeting up with her friends or attending private events.
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One Saturday morning, she was at my place instead of hers.
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She received Snapchats from a dozen guys.
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She gets flirty or show off snaps from guys after midnight sometimes and plays it off as no big deal and says she doesn t know why guys send them.
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In short, there is zero room for confirmation, and trust is 100% faith-based.
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She says she tells her friends that she has a boyfriend, but won t post it on any of her social media accounts.
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Is this just my own jealousy acting up, or are there serious red flags?
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Have I given her too much benefit of the doubt?
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I don t feel like I m being a doormat, but then is that a possibility?
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Should I give it more time to see if things change now that we have committed?
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Confused Wolverine at a crossroads.
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Hey, Confused Wolverine at a crossroads.
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Look, in short, you are being used.
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These are huge red flags.
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You like her, so you re putting up with it, but they re still there and you know it because you detailed all of this stuff.
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And even in the truncated version here, there s just so much.
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And you ve made a list, right?
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You ve made a list, you ve articulated that.
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You can t not see it.
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You d never put up with this from someone who you felt you were on equal terms with.
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You ve got her on a pedestal.
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And she knows it, so she s running things and she s playing you.
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It s just so obvious to me.
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I think it s obvious to you, but you re voluntarily pulling the wool over your eyes for various reasons.
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So, look.
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Yes, I m gonna just call out what you already know.
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You re being used, you need to move on.
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Stop putting up with it.
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And I hope you all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget, you can email us, friday at theartofcharm.com, to get your questions answered on the air.
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A link to this blog post can be found at theartofcharm.com slash fmf72.
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Also, don t forget the Art of Charm Challenge.
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Text CHARMED.
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That s C-H-A-R-M-E-D-2-3-3-4-4-4 in the USA, or anywhere else, go to theartofcharm.com.
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We re taking you step by step to becoming a better networker, better at making personal and professional connections, increasing your personal social capital and your charisma.
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And it s for both guys and gals, so check that out.
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We just opened up recently...
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a Facebook group where you can do the challenges and share with others and there s something like 1,500 people active in there.
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It s kind of a zoo, but me, AJ, and the whole AOC team are in there as well helping people out and sharing stuff and helping coach.
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It s really, really cool.
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I m actually
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Pleasantly amazed not just surprised but amazed at how awesome that s going in there.
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So check out the challenge their text charmed That s ch ar MED 2 3 3 4 4 4 in the states or go to the art of charm comm and we ll mail you We ll send you an email about how to join that Facebook group as well quick.
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Shout out to drew mystic.
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He s a photographer and Your email drew bounces back to me when I tried to connect you to Heinz Ward as you asked
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and also Stephen Christopher starting his own show to help other people with their small business.
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Thanks for listening, thanks for being fans.
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Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up and I ll shout you out.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com.
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Now stay charming, get out there and connect, and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to the Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.