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Time for Fan Mail Friday.
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I m your host, Jordan Harbinger, and I m here with producer Jason DeFilippo.
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We ll be answering your questions and dropping some knowledge and feedback to help you kick the weekend off, right?
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, this isn t a great place to start.
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Most of our content is much more in-depth and longer format, so check out the best of.
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at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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That s where we ve got the fundamentals of body language, nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, and everything else we teach here at the Art of Charm.
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We ll send all of this to your inbox if you text charmed, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D, to 33444.
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All right, let s cut to it.
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Our first question of the week.
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Hi, Jordan.
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I m in a relationship with this girl and she s great.
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She s fun.
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She s funny.
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She sets boundaries.
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She leaves me alone to do my hobbies and supports them.
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She thinks I m amazing and she s attractive.
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She s very non needy and she s happy.
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However, she used to be an alcoholic and is an Alcoholics Anonymous and has almost finished her first year.
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I m not sure if I have an issue with this.
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It makes me uneasy but I can t figure out why.
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I don t drink much myself and hate bars and clubs.
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The fact that she s an AA means she s getting therapy.
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She s identified a problem in her life and is getting it fixed.
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She s often expressed and has shown that she has a growth mentality.
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She shows her faults and wants to improve herself.
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Yet I m hung up on her being an alcoholic.
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She s getting therapy for it and is doing fantastically.
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And I know from listening to the podcast that most everyone either is seeing a therapist or ought to see a therapist.
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I guess my worry is that what if she relapses?
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Or I feel I can get another girl just as great as her but without the past of an alcoholic and being an AA, which sounds selfish on my part.
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I guess also from friends I ve told, they ve said to stay away since she must have an addictive personality and therefore that will be a problem in our relationship.
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But it hasn t been.
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She s not addicted to me at all and she eats healthy and exercises regularly.
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Should I care that she s an AA or that she was an alcoholic?
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I mean, I ve got a few skeletons in my closet too, you know.
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Thanks for the advice.
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Sincerely, Zephy.
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Hey Zephy, this is an interesting one because I m going to have a controversial opinion here and say this might be a good thing more than it is a bad thing.
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Because in the list of things that can be wrong with a partner, this really isn t very high.
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I mean, she seems like she s got a lot of it together.
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In other ways, she s taking care of the problem.
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You re worried about her because you love her.
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That part s totally normal.
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And you have to worry, you have less to worry about, I guess I should say, when it comes to this because she s handling it.
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It takes a big person and speaks a lot to her character that she s going to AA, that she s sticking with it, that she s getting therapy for this, she s doing well with that.
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Look, there s no real stigma that should be attached to getting problems in your life handled.
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It s a little bit of a flag, I guess, in some ways, if you read into it.
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It s only really a problem, though, if it s out of control.
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And your worry, yes, if she relapses, that s a worry.
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That s a thing that can happen.
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And you re worried about her again because you love her, but
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You know, I will say there s a lot of things that surprise us about our significant others that come with no warning.
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And this, you ve already got a framework for it, she s already handling it.
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You might even be able to get some advice on how to help her along in the process, what to do if she does relapse.
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There s a lot of things that are knowns here, and I think that makes up for what is actually really scary for us in relationships, which is often the unknowns.
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So I would say kudos to her and kudos to you for not being overly judgmental about it.
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I think it s actually a good thing.
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I know that some people are going to disagree on that, but on the scale of things that can go wrong in relationships, something that s actively being handled and stable just doesn t rank very high on the list.
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Hi Jordan, thanks for the great show.
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I ve learned a ton and it s greatly improved my life.
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Keep it up.
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I have a scenario that I don t know if you or your listeners have experienced and would like your insight.
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Here s the scoop.
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I m a software developer at a good company that is known locally to our area.
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I have a few people in my network that complain about their jobs or have been in the same position for many years.
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I truly care about these people and have attempted to influence them to come work where I m working because I think they could be in a place with higher salary, potential for growth, and work in a highly collaborative, team-oriented culture.
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I use positivity in my pitch to them and bring up their pain points in their current position and how a move to a new job would have great value for them.
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I see in some of them a potential that their current employers don t see or aren t able to leverage to make those people grow in their careers.
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So what happens next is something I would never have expected.
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Here s what went down with three of these candidates.
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The first one got an interview, but really didn t put in any effort.
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This one was on me because he didn t want to move and was okay with the same job out of school that he s already had for 10 years.
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The second complained about the place he was working.
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We offered him an opportunity to interview, but it took him three weeks and said it wasn t the right time and there was more coming for him.
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And this person has been at the same job for about seven years.
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Lastly, the most frustrating candidate was my prize horse.
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I brought him on site, he got an interview, everyone loved him, and he got an offer that was better than where he was working and I spent a total of 3 hours on the phone with him and he turns the offer down.
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He thinks there s something better for him at his current company.
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So, are there certain types or personality types that make them hesitant to take a risk and change jobs?
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Could I be doing something wrong in my pitch?
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What do you think causes someone to not take opportunities even though they have an offer sitting right in front of them?
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It s hard to see high quality people not take opportunities that are right in front of them.
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This is a bad analogy, but it s like seeing someone in an abusive relationship just stick with it and it pains you to see them.
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This won t stop me from getting high quality people, but it s a morale buster to say the least.
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Thanks, confused and frustrated.
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Oh man, this is super frustrating.
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Even just hearing this and reading this is frustrating.
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I feel your pain, man.
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Look, these people are largely stuck in their comfort zone.
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I mean, it is possible that, oh, I had a better offer coming at my own company, but chances are he s just doing that thing where he s diluting himself willingly and the boss is letting him do it or dangling that carrot for him so that he stays.
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Don t bother with this.
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Look, I love helping people.
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I totally understand why you re doing this.
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These are your friends.
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You ve known them forever.
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But you gotta make them earn it, man.
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You ve gotta make them earn it.
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You can take a horse to water, you can t make them drink it.
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In this case, you re gonna spend a lot of your social capital and professional reputation taking these horses to water, and then they can turn around and embarrass you.
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Make them earn it.
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You re doing all the work in each of these situations.
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That s the one commonality that I noticed here, is that you re the one doing the work,
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above, and that s the problem.
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They don t value it, so they re not gonna pull the trigger because you brought them on site.
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They didn t have to arrange that themselves.
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You prepared them for the interview, walked them through it.
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They showed up, sure, but did they really show up?
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Well, the first guy didn t.
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He was mailing it in.
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The second guy made a bunch of excuses, like a, you know, typical
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I hate to say loser, but it is kind of a loser mindset to be so complacent in something that you complain about all the time that you re afraid to take a step.
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I get it.
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The fear is there, but man, you just can t shepherd these people through this stuff.
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They ve got to slog through it on their own.
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If they work for it and they ask you for help, that s different.
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Right now, you re just trying to drag.
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It s like children.
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You re dragging them by the hand and sitting behind them while they do their homework.
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It s just not a sustainable thing.
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You re lucky they didn t get the job.
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They might have blown it, and then that would have been even worse.
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Hi Jordan, heard an email you read on Fan Mail Friday from a deployed service member and you advised him on what to do to maintain the open conversation in a relationship even while half a world away.
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I know you like concrete takeaways, so a great technique I ve seen is for a couple to pick up a book or a TV show and read or watch up to a certain point by the time they talk next.
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It gives them something to talk about and creates a shared experience.
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You re doing great work.
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Thanks, Pat.
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Hey, good one.
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You know, another one I have that s similar is to actually watch a movie together on Skype, if possible.
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I know some deployed folks don t have solid internet, but I know that a lot actually do.
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And I find streaming some Netflix or whatever at the same time while on a headset and chatting about what s happening is actually pretty fun.
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Especially if you get a really terrible movie or one you ve already seen a few times.
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maybe even with that person, where you re really not paying attention to the plot, and it turns into kind of a half conversation, half pay attention to the movie.
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Those are fun, and it s just like sitting next to someone on the couch while staring at a screen.
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It s not as good as being there in person and having a face-to-face conversation, but I ll tell you, man, you can really lose yourself in that.
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So if you find yourself separated from your significant other, try that dual streaming Skype headset chat thing, and I think you ll really dig it.
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Now, on a separate note, I just wanna sort of plug in a little note here.
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I got an email from somebody, and I get this occasionally.
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I d say monthly I get one of these.
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It was somebody who was really offended that my emails are supposedly fake.
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Look, these are not fake.
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I batch upwards of 300 to 500 emails at one time, and those are the ones that I don t delegate or answer at a different time or in the moment.
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There s a lot of,
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of effort going into this, and I write every single one.
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Now look, the end may be a little snippet.
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There might be some recurring pieces in there that I use in other emails, but the email is real.
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I ve read your email.
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So I apologize if anyone felt like I just blew them off.
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I assure you, I am very real and I m very imperfect, especially when it comes to getting through all of my email.
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I blur through it so that I can get back to other things that serve all of you.
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at once, such as reading books for the show, vetting show guests, recording good stuff for you.
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It s not an excuse.
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It s merely that I would love a little empathy for the amount of effort that goes into this.
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And people often suggest that, oh, you should outsource that process.
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But I actually think that that is much worse.
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How would you like a reply from somebody who isn t even me because I m too busy to talk to you?
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Which is less insulting?
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A direct but short reply from me or a couple lines longer from somebody in the Philippines who I ve hired simply to deal with you because I feel like I m above answering email?
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I personally don t see myself ever fully outsourcing the email.
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I d rather be late and short.
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than disingenuous, and I hope you can find it in yourself to understand that because I do sincerely love hearing from all of you.
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So again, my apologies to those of you who are disappointed or perhaps caught me at a bad time, on a bad day, on email number 455, or were simply expecting more when I couldn t give it.
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Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
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And with Kajabi, you also get robust analytics, easy payment options, email marketing tools, and customizable website templates, all built in.
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You don t even need a huge audience to make sustainable income.
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There are thousands of creators on Kajabi making six and seven figures with less than 50,000 followers.
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Right now, Kajabi is offering a free 30-day trial to start your business if you go to kajabi.com slash charm.
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That s K-A-J-A-B-I dot com slash charm.
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Go to Kajabi.com slash charm and join the creators and entrepreneurs who have made over seven billion dollars.
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Hey Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
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Winning is an everyday mindset and Craig Robinson and John Calipari are here to help.
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On Ways to Win podcast, Craig and Coach Cal use their on-court wisdom to solve your off-court problems.
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Whether it s trouble at home or a workplace dilemma, the coaches will help you find a winning formula for success.
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You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
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Hello Jordan, my question is about breaking up with friends or rejecting new friendships.
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I have no problems breaking up with or rejecting people in romantic circumstances, but sometimes I really don t know how to break off or prevent a friendship without resorting to coming up with a lie, which I don t like to do.
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Example 1.
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I run singles events and one of the attendees emailed me to meet up for coffee.
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I told him I don t date people from my events.
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Not really true, but it seemed reasonable.
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He said his intention was just to be friends.
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Truth is, I didn t really find him particularly interesting and really had no desire to befriend him.
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But can you just tell someone you don t think they re good friend material?
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Example 2.
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I went on a date with someone who has body odor.
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I actually told him and he took it very well, although he thinks my sense of smell might be just too sensitive.
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He told me he showers, uses deodorant, etc.
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so I don t think there s anything he can do.
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Regardless, I ve tried to hang out with him and it really bothers me.
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I even considered making up a quote-unquote jealous boyfriend to stop him from trying to make plans with me.
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Example 3.
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I ve been friends for years with someone whose negativity saps my energy.
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I know he won t change.
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How can I tell him I no longer have an interest in being friends?
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I m a friendly and outgoing person so I seem to often get stuck in these situations.
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I hope these three examples give you a good idea of my struggle.
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I think a whole show on the topic would be great.
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It can t just be me with this issue.
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Signed, I don t wanna be a breakup bitch.
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Hey, breakup bitch.
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Look, find honest replies that aren t lies and still palatable.
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Sam Harris actually wrote a whole book about this called Lying, and we actually talked about this with him during his interview on AOC.
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We can link to that in the show notes here, but I ll tell ya, each of the examples you gave I feel would be best handled with the truth.
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And example number one, the guy you said is boring and you say, well, he wants to be friends.
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You can say, look, I don t have time.
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I just don t have time for this.
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Sorry.
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And if he gets offended by that, that s okay.
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I mean, you re not being terrible.
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You don t have time.
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It s not a priority for you and you don t like him, but you don t have to say, look, man, you re boring.
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that s offensive, it s okay to audit or edit the truth as long as it remains the truth.
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That was kind of one of the big takeaways from Sam Harris.
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In example number two, your friend that you did meet on a date has body odor.
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You don t have to be attracted to somebody who smells, and look, he thinks your sense of smell is too sensitive.
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I highly doubt that.
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I think he probably just surrounds himself by other people who have the exact same problem that you do, and he doesn t smell his own B.O.
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Maybe he showers and uses deodorant.
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Maybe there is nothing he can do, but you know what?
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If it bothers you, you can just say, look, I just, I can t deal with, uh, with the smell.
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And I know it sounds a little shallow, but maybe I m just sensitive to it.
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Except his definition that you re too sensitive.
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That s fine.
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It s an opinion.
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But you should say the truth.
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There s no reason to lie.
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You re doing him a disservice.
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And, you know, maybe if this starts costing him social relationships, he ll take the problem more seriously instead of just blowing you off.
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And in example number three, you have a friend who, after a few years, he got tired of that negative energy.
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You should tell him that.
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Look, he s already going to be annoyed if you don t want to hang out.
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But you don t have to say, you irritate me.
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I don t want to be friends.
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You can just say, I m really trying to surround myself with positive people.
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And I find that a lot of times you seem like you have a lot of issues in your life that you need to handle.
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And I would love to help you with that.
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But sometimes it seems like you need to vent.
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But I don t want to do that in my friendships.
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It s a little bit cold, but I ll tell you, this is the kind of thing that spurs people to change.
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So if you care about these people, you don t have to care about them by being around them and dealing with them.
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You can care about them by showing them the respect of telling them the simple truth.
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which is that they smell, they re negative, and they re boring.
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Sorry, but it is true, and honestly, the truth, it doesn t have to be comfortable for either of you.
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It just has to be the truth, and you ll find that you feel a lot better telling people what you really think, even if you have to tone it down a little.
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This last one is a tip from Patrick.
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Just thought you might enjoy this triple foreign language hack I just figured out.
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Change your Facebook s default language into whatever foreign language you re trying to learn.
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You ll get three benefits.
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First, all the Facebook buttons are in the foreign language.
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You already know them, so it s easy to learn the vocabulary.
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Second, when set up correctly, your friends  posts will display a Translate This button.
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This will allow you to view both languages for side-by-side comparison.
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Lastly, Facebook time has suddenly become productive.
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It s helping you achieve a goal and it s just annoying enough to make wasting the whole day on Facebook unappealing.
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I just applied it and it s definitely going to help me keep up my Spanish skills, keep up my friendships and be more productive.
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Hope you enjoy and keep up the good work on the show.
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So I hope you all enjoyed that as usual.
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Don t forget, you can email us Friday at theartofcharm.com to get your questions answered on the air.
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When we got the AOC challenge, theartofcharm.com slash challenge or text charmed, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444.
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We ll take you step by step to become a better networker, better at making personal and professional connections, increase your personal social capital and your charisma, and it s for both guys and gals.
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So check that out at theartofcharm.com slash challenge.
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or text charmed, that s charmed, to 33444.
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Somebody asked me, Jason, why I say charmed, and I think it s because if I say charmed, sometimes people think I m saying charm, and there s no E-D.
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So I think it is important, and also I think this only works in the U.S., so I apologize if you re overseas or up north in Canada and it s not working.
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You can always go to theartofcharm.com slash challenge to make it work.
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Alright quick shout out to Jeff.
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Oh his wife and his assistant are now fans of AOC Jeff is an f-16 pilot who I like to imagine Listens while chasing Soviet planes around an aircraft carrier someplace although.
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I m I m pretty sure that s that s probably me
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minimal time, and also, yes, I know, the Soviet Union doesn t exist anymore, and so their planes probably don t fly.
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Are you listening in a strange land to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up, and I ll shout you out.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com.
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Now stay charming, get out there and connect, and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to The Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.