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Welcome to the Art of Charm.
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I m your host, Jordan Harbinger.
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I m here with producer Jason DeFilippo.
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Here at the Art of Charm, we may not have all the answers, but we certainly have some of the questions.
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And today on Fan Mail Friday, those questions come from you.
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, Fan Mail Friday is not my favorite place for you to begin, although I do enjoy doing it.
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Most of our content is more in-depth and longer format and includes interviews and conversations with people that you ve heard of, hopefully.
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Check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best or the fundamentals toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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That s where we ve got the fundamentals of reading body language and charismatic nonverbal communication, the science of attraction, networking and influence strategies, negotiation techniques, persuasion tactics, and everything else that we teach here at the art of charm.
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We ll send all of this to your inbox if you text charmed, C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444 here in the states.
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Everywhere else, just go to theartofcharm.com.
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All right, let s do this.
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What s up, AOC?
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My parents and friends keep telling me to lighten up because this time of my life, a.k.a.
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high school and college, are the best times of our lives.
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But at the same time, I m surprised at how much hard work it is to get good grades in an internship, etc., etc.
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How do I handle the pressure?
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Signed, Stressed Out Stan.
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So I m going to go out on a limb here and say that for some people, high school and college is the best time of their lives.
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But for me, it was totally not.
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And I worried about this exact same thing.
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For me, the best time of my life is now.
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And I m not saying that like
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The present time is always the best time.
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This is not where I m going with this.
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I don t believe that stuff.
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What I mean is just like, right now, things are really rolling.
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In school, I felt like, ugh, I don t really like this.
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I m bored.
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This doesn t work.
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I ve got all these requirements.
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I ve got to get up at times I don t want to get up.
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I ve got to do all this stupid stuff and be social.
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Life, for me...
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got a lot easier as an adult.
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I don t know where you stand on this, Jason, but honestly, I much prefer being an adult to being a child, or at least to being in high school and college.
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I grew up in the John Hughes era of high school movies that that always said high school was possibly the worst time of your life.
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And for me, it definitely was.
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So I definitely enjoy being an adult now.
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I did not have a good time in high school and college.
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Yeah, it s weird, it s like you have no responsibility, and the world is your oyster kinda, but you also have no money, there s people in charge of you that are, frankly, your parents fine, but some of the teachers and other people that are in charge of you, they don t care that much, or what s in your best interest is something totally foreign for you, and they re trying to kinda guide you for better or for worse.
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I really didn t enjoy any of that.
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Being a student was a lot harder, even though I had less responsibility.
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It was a ton of pressure,
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ton of expectations, doing things other people wanted me to do.
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It s never my own agenda.
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Just what others say is good for you, you gotta do that.
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I m loving life right now.
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It is so much better now than it was back then.
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So don t worry about it, Stan.
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Work hard, build a great life for yourself.
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Don t blow off everything that you re going through.
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Work hard and build that great life for yourself.
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You get a lot more flexibility after you get out of school.
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So as long as you don t paint yourself into a corner in some other way in your career and you follow the advice and the things we re telling you here and you don t end up going,
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oh my god, I followed the default pathway and now I m an insurance salesman and I hate it.
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That s how people get all nostalgic, right?
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Oh, high school and college were so great.
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If you build the life for yourself that you want, it s no comparison.
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It s so much better now than it was back then, so don t stress.
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Time is on your side.
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You have a lot more time as an adult than you do as a teenager.
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So the fact that the teenager time is limited, don t let people fear monger you into thinking you gotta make the most of that somehow.
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You re already doing that, I guarantee you.
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So just don t worry about it.
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Don t worry about the door or the window closing or anything like that.
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Live your life for yourself, build that life for yourself, and don t worry about other people having a better past than a better future.
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That is not necessarily your path.
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All right, next up.
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Hi Jordan, I m lazy.
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I ve always been able to coast through school and work.
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I even have a strong why, which is my family.
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Why am I still lazy and how do I fix it?
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Signed, needs a swift kick in the pants.
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like you, but I don t think it s lazy.
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I think there s fear of failure involved in most people who say that they re lazy, and I think the reason is because they re worried their best might not be good enough.
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They re gonna disappoint themselves, they re gonna disappoint their family, they re gonna disappoint their co-workers, their boss, their wife, whatever.
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When we look at it this way, having a strong why, like your family, makes the fear of failure even stronger, because there s more at stake.
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So the best idea for me, in my opinion here, is to go out and seek failure in something inconsequential, like learn something new, start taking Italian or cooking class or something like that, where the worst thing that can happen is you burn some noodles.
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And take the class with your wife or your family if you don t have one of those.
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This will show you that they re not going to judge you if you re not always on point.
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This will slowly start to seep into other areas, and it s a weird phenomenon.
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In order to do great, we need to stop doing just good or just okay, and then we can not fear the leap into greatness.
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But first, we need those we love and care about to see us fall.
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and see for ourselves that they not only don t judge us when we fall, but they pick us back up again.
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And look, option B, as Jason points out, you might just be bored.
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You might not be lazy, you might not be challenged enough.
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Jason, you had something to say about this.
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Yeah, you know, when I don t have challenges that really push me to my limit, it feels like I m lazy, but there s just nothing else to do.
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You know, I d rather sit around and play rock band all day if there s really nothing to, if I don t have a windmill to go tilt at, it s like, eh,
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Yeah, give me some Xbox and a beer and petting the dog.
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But that doesn t make me lazy.
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That just means I just don t have any challenges at that point.
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So maybe reframe lazy and find a better challenge and go do something that s more exciting.
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Yeah, I had this problem in middle school and in parts of high school where it was so easy that even though it was easy and I could coast through a lot of it, I just didn t because it was just a clear waste of time.
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Remember those squares in biology where you have genes and you do those like A, A, B, B?
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I failed out of biology because I couldn t cut open the frog.
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Geez yeah, and I can t remember what these were called.
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They re like Mendelsohn squares or something like that I can t remember, but I remember doing these huge ones, and they were so stupid that I just went screw it I didn t turn it in and the teacher who had given me A s on every test so far because I was a big nerd goes What happened here?
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Did you just run out of time?
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Because I stopped halfway through the assignment.
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And I go, no, I just, I get it and I didn t really want to do the rest.
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And she gave me like a B or B plus or whatever.
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And she goes, you should just finish these things.
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It s gonna damage your grades.
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And then I go, can you just make it harder?
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And she goes, oh, I can make it harder.
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And then the next time she gave homework, she gave me special homework and it was freaking super tough.
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But what I appreciated about her, Mrs. Baldry, she didn t make it impossible just to teach me a lesson and be like, oh, you don t wanna do the homework?
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I m gonna make it impossible.
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She made it challenging.
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And she just kept doing that.
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And I really appreciated that.
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She was one of those few teachers who actually seemed to really care about me as an individual instead of just getting stuff done in class.
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But yeah, man, you could just be bored.
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You could also be afraid to fail.
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So test both of those hypotheses.
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Yeah.
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And I ve got a similar story that I was flunking out of most of my fourth and fifth grade classes.
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And I had one really good guidance counselor who was like, oh, he could see what was going on.
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And my mom was just like, get him tutors.
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Maybe he needs special education.
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Like half the school wanted to put me in special education.
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And then this one guy came in and he s like, no, let s put him in AP.
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And I went from D s and F s to A s and B s once they put me in advanced placement because I was bored out of my skull.
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Yeah, I had so many problems like that as a kid.
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And it s not because it s like, oh, Jordan s some kind of genius.
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I think it s just the one-size-fits-all method just doesn t work for much of the class.
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And a lot of the people that it doesn t work for, they just do the work anyway because they re well-behaved.
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But when you mix the whole independent thinker plus maybe
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above the median level, you just end up with trouble.
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A lot of the really bad kids in my school, like the criminal level shoplifters, the kids who smoked, when it came time for high school, I remember friends of mine hanging out with them, and I m like, oh crap, Ryan s here, he s a bad kid, and stuff like that, and he d be carrying around a copy of Faust or something, and I m like, what are you doing with that, rolling blunts?
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And he s like, nah, I m reading it.
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And I thought, wait a minute,
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You re a screw-up because you re freaking smart not and you have lack of supervision not because you re an idiot You know and it was just like oh man and those kids had it even worse because a lot of their friends were actually idiots right because they were the ones who were skipping class all the time and getting in trouble and Some of the kids who are doing that with the smartest kids in school and some of them were the dumbest kids in school And I just thought man not only are you not getting challenged in school?
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But now you re getting in trouble and the people that you re bonding closest with are the people that aren t going anywhere It s just like it was such a mess
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Ah, high school, don t miss it.
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Yeah, not at all, not at all.
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Alright, next question.
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Here s a letter that came in via our Facebook page.
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Jordan, a little helpful advice.
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I really enjoy your podcast and you have developed
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to a good broadcaster.
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There s one glaring distraction you do every single podcast.
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Note, though, I m listening from the start and I m currently at 2015.
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Good luck.
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Mm hmm.
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Between one and three times during each podcast, you brag about yourself or your company.
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Not a humble brag, not a this is crazy brag, but an extremely annoying brag.
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Every podcast.
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It will make any educated, somewhat self-aware person feel that you are a scammer, that you are a social climber, that you shouldn t be having the success that you claim and are insecure about it.
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I don t believe this is true, and it s possibly just a minor personality defect, but it seriously takes away from the amazing guests that you have and the credibility that it can garner you.
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Your commercials are tolerated and not included in this assessment. 
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Thank you very much there.
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Thank you for tolerating the way that we pay the bills.
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Yes.
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If you want to take your credibility to the next level, try self-deprecation.
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This feels like an ad from... It does.
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Idiocracy.
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Hey, try self-deprecation.
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Think Howard Stern.
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Instead of 10 brags and one self-deprecation, reverse it.
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Make fun of yourself 10 times and brag once, but never do an annoying brag.
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State a fact and state how amazing it is.
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Hope this helps.
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Kevin.
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So I really appreciate stuff like this sometimes, although I m not sure that Howard Stern s a great example because he, for most of his career, was super not self-deprecating.
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He was mostly really arrogant, and I think more recently he has maybe graduated to that.
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But the other thing is, look, I m all about feedback, and I think you might actually be onto something.
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In 2015, we grew the show a lot, and we did the same in 2014 as well.
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And then in 2016, we grew things even more, and 2017 is looking like it s gonna be an even bigger year in a lot of ways for the show and for The Art of Charm as a company.
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And, you know, there I go, bragging again, so if that s what you mean, then I m guilty.
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I will always brag about The Art of Charm.
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And I appreciate the feedback and trying to make me better, but one piece of feedback on your feedback, and feedback in general, and I see this a lot in my inbox, and even in mastermindy type things, you have to give concrete examples, and they have to be current, or it s actually useless.
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And this goes for any feedback.
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You have to find something concrete for the person to chew on.
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I know what you re thinking, well this is feedback for them, so I ll let them go back and find an example, it s not my problem, or they shouldn t be lazy, they should go out and figure out where to apply my feedback.
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But the problem with this, and this goes for work, home, school, whatever, the problem with this is that since feedback is often based solely on the perception of the person or people giving it, the receiver cannot do anything with the feedback unless there s an actual example.
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The reason is, even if someone says, hey Jordan, in the last episode you bragged too much,
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I could re-listen to the whole thing 10 times and still not necessarily find what you re referring to.
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The reason is I have that area as a blind spot according to the person giving the feedback only.
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So it s invisible to me, hence the term blind spot.
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The other thing is that feedback has to be on something current.
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If the work you re critiquing is too far in the past, like shows from two or three years ago, then the receiver, me, will likely think they ve either moved past it, done nothing, and been fine up until now, or that the problem has gotten worse.
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So there s no reason for them or me to go back and look at something super old to find an issue that I might not even be able to see.
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That s a hundred times more true if there s no concrete example.
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So in other words, feel free to call me an ass.
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Just make sure you give a concrete example of my assery and not just refer to assery or my assery in general.
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So in the end, yes, I love feedback.
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I don t really know what you re talking about here with the respect to 2015.
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I m not going to go and look.
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But if you re listening to the show now and you go, God, this guy s just insufferable, send me a note.
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I m Jordan at theartofcharm.com.
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Let me know exactly what you re talking about and I ll figure out whether or not I agree and want to take action on it.
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That goes for any kind of feedback that you give anyone ever.
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So there s some feedback on your feedback.
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Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
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They say if you do what you love, you never work a day in your life.
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But if you re an entrepreneur, you know the hard work that comes with it.
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That s why you need Kajabi.
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Kajabi makes it easy to run your entire online business from one platform so you can focus on what you love, creating.
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No matter your niche, Kajabi makes it easy to turn your skills, passions, and experiences into enriching online courses, exclusive membership sites, subscription podcasts, thriving communities, personalized coaching, and more.
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The best part, Kajabi doesn t cut into your revenue because everything is owned and controlled by you.
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And with Kajabi, you also get robust analytics, easy payment options, email marketing tools, and customizable website templates, all built in.
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There are thousands of creators on Kajabi making six and seven figures with less than 50,000 followers.
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Right now, Kajabi is offering a free 30-day trial to start your business.
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If you go to kajabi.com slash charm, that s K-A-J-A-B-I.com slash charm.
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Go to kajabi.com slash charm and join the creators and entrepreneurs who have made over $7 billion.
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Hey, Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
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Winning is an everyday mindset, and Craig Robinson and John Calipari are here to help.
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On Ways to Win podcast, Craig and Coach Cal use their on-court wisdom to solve your off-court problems.
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Whether it s trouble at home or a workplace dilemma, the coaches will help you find a winning formula for success.
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You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
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Next question.
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Hi Jordan.
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A few months ago you told a story about a rowing team that got better by constantly asking themselves if their actions would make the boat go faster.
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They made it their mantra and as a result they got faster.
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I heard you tell that story not long after I lost my job and decided to run my own business.
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I quoted that story so many times that my sister actually burned that phrase into a cool piece of wood that she found and gave it to me.
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Anyways, thanks for telling that story.
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It was a huge encouragement and I m building a successful solo law practice.
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Stay charming.
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Woody.
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Nice.
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Yes, this is from Woody.
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Woody s sister listens to the show.
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I want to give her a shout out.
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I think that s awesome.
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And I also really appreciate he sent me a picture of the wood decor.
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It s cool.
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She took like it looks like driftwood or something like that in the picture.
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It s small on my phone screen, obviously.
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She burned that phrase into the driftwood, which is very apropos because, of course, this is about boats and floating and blah, blah, blah.
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And look, I don t remember telling that story, but I will tell you that I love the fact that this helped you start your own law practice after losing your job and became a personal mantra.
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That s what this show s about.
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So thank you for sharing that.
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I really appreciate it.
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And yeah, feel free to send me burned pieces of driftwood with cool sayings in them at any time, and I ll hang them up here in the studio.
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All right.
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Next up, Jason.
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Hey, Jordan was just listening to FMF 102 with a guy getting a divorce.
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He was asking how to separate from his wife on social networks.
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Facebook introduced a breakup tool back in 2015, helping people in these situations.
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Here s a link to the article describing the workflow, which you will be able to check out at the art of charm dot com slash FMF 106.
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Cheers, Daniel B. In Germany, an AOC alum.
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Yeah, Daniel B., he came through the program a while ago.
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I never heard of this.
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Jason, have you heard of the breakup tool before this?
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I didn t know they had a breakup tool.
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Basically, what it is, is a way to take your settings and tweak them for different people so they can see different sets of data.
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I don t know if they actually called it a breakup tool.
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And since 2015, Facebook has changed their privacy tools about four hundred and sixty six times.
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So this might not still be applicable as a, quote unquote, breakup tool, but you can tweak your settings so people can see different things.
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And this is kind of what I alluded to when I was asking you the question about how he should separate or if he should separate from his ex-wife on social networks when we talked about that a couple of weeks ago.
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So.
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Yeah, and the answer, I assume, was absolutely, at least for now, right?
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Well, your answer was actually, don t do it yet.
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Oh, well, she was going to get mad about it, I remember now.
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Yeah, because it was like, why poke the hornet s nest?
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Right, right, right.
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Okay, that s right.
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They were having a non-amicable... Okay, this is if you break up because they break up with you or it s an amicable breakup, then you can disconnect just so you don t see that stuff rubbing their face.
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But yeah, it s going to cause... I remember that guy had a kid, right?
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And it was like this whole emotional...
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Yeah, right, right.
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I remember that.
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Yeah.
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OK, this.
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So if you have an amicable breakup and or they break up with you and you don t want it rubbed in your face all the time.
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that they ve moved on or whatever, then disconnect.
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Otherwise, yeah, set it up on limited profile.
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I m sure there are also ways where you can make it so that you see nothing from them ever in your newsfeed.
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Just hide them from your newsfeed and don t be that guy who goes and stalks them all the time.
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There s probably other ways to block people online that lets them see you, but not you see them.
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And I think that s healthy because, man, you can really torture yourself.
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with social media after a breakup.
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I remember doing that to myself back in college too, so I totally get it.
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It s not something you should do to yourself.
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There s also a third option.
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Get off of social media and just go outside and meet new people and put the computer away for a while.
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I ll tell you, I stopped basically looking at much of, I still use Facebook Messenger, and I still look at people commenting on my stuff, but I never just go on Facebook anymore.
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And this is long overdue.
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It s long overdue for me just to never look at that stuff.
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It s zero ROI.
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And it s funny, because I had a conversation with a fan yesterday, John, who s an AOC alum, been a fan of the show for,
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man, probably like 10 years almost now, he s like, you should really be more active on Facebook, it s all about engagement, and I, to a certain extent, agree with that, however, at some point, you just gotta go, look, there s no ROI to me commenting and looking at cat videos.
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There s not.
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The amount of hours I spend on Facebook every week could be spent reading, and that s just, when you weigh it like that, it s holy cow, there s no contest.
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We spend it we spend our time instead of being on Facebook working on making a better show.
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I worry I brainstorm ways that I can do brags so that everybody gets mad at me.
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I yeah maybe I should brag only on Facebook.
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Yeah that way I have my audience there.
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All right, here s a pro tip, and this is so funny because Jenny and I were in LA doing a bunch of media and playing a bunch of escape games and stuff like that, these escape rooms that we re obsessed with, and Jenny s tip for when we re gonna be late, because LA traffic, blah, blah, blah, you re always late, at least by a few minutes.
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She calls the place and instead of saying, oh, we re running a little bit late, you know, we re sorry, she goes, I just want to confirm our 4pm escape game or escape room or whatever, and they go, yeah, yeah, you registered online, right?
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You got a confirmation email?
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And she goes, yeah, I wanted to confirm, but I also wanted to ask about parking.
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and then they go, oh yeah, we have a parking lot, or oh, there s street parking, and so this does a lot of really brilliant things, right, because you re calling to confirm, and so they know that you re on the way, but instead of admitting that you re gonna be late, which gives them kind of this social permission to, oh, well, we re gonna start your time exactly at four, or we have other people waiting, we re gonna let them ahead of you, I mean, they can make that decision on their own, but they know that you re on the way, so they know that you re not just gonna not show up, they don t have to call you when you re five minutes late, where are you, you know, and you re trying to park,
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And, of course, you get the parking info, but they also know that if you re a few minutes late, you were probably just looking for parking because you re on the way.
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So this, on so many levels, this is a brilliant way of saying you re late without kind of admitting any guilt.
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And I loved it.
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I loved it.
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I loved it so much I wrote it down in the car, because I thought,
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Man, every time I m even running slightly late for something, which is very rare, I m just gonna do this.
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Restaurant reservations, escape rooms, everything like that.
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If it s your friend, you can just say, look, I m five minutes late, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
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But for things like this, I just love that.
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Call, confirm the time slot, ask about parking.
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So amazing.
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I spent 15 years in L.A., and I could have used this pretty much every day.
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This is fantastic.
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It seems obvious now.
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When I say, there s people going, this is your pro tip?
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Ugh, unsubscribe, right?
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But it s such a nuanced thing that it really is good.
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And I asked her if she did that on purpose, and she was kinda like, well, you know, no, but yes.
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And I know her, she totally did that on purpose.
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But it s, man, this nuanced stuff, I love it.
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The Art of Charms Foundation was based on some of this type of stuff.
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I just want a little last minute note here.
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One thing that I saw on my flight back or on my way to the airport back from LA is just wasted potential is so depressing and it s one of the reasons that I do this show and when I was at the car rental place returning the car this guy walked by and he s like oh you know super cheerful charismatic guy.
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and he spoke English, and he was an African descended guy, and it looked like Ethiopian Eritrea, that kind of area.
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And it turns out he was Ethiopian, he spoke English, Hebrew, and he was learning Mandarin, because he started just speaking Chinese to Jen randomly.
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This guy was super outgoing, super charismatic, he was in his 60s, and he s checking in cars at this car rental place, and it really just kind of bummed me out.
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And we were talking a little bit in Chinese, and I just thought, man, for somebody with
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multiple languages, he just has this kind of attitude.
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I m sure that he could have just done so much more, and it really does make you thankful that you re born in the place and time where you were born.
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Because he was from Ethiopia, he escaped there, went to Israel, then migrated from there to the United States with his family.
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and now he s working at that gig outside.
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I mean, at least look, he s in the sunshine, he s in LA, so he s got that going for him.
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But I know I sent him a link to this podcast, I hope he s listening to this episode, and if you are listening to this, Oscar, I m sending, which is what I call him, and I don t think that s actually his name, I m sending you a bunch of Chinese learning material.
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You re learning Chinese online, this stuff is all free.
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He s been over the same Chinese learning material 10 times already.
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I m gonna freshen it up for you, man.
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You made my week, and I appreciate meeting you, man.
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Hope y all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget you can email us friday at theartofcharm.com to get your questions answered on the air.
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A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at theartofcharm.com slash fmf106.
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I d love to hear from you.
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I m on Twitter at The Art of Charm.
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It s a great way to engage with the show.
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Jason, you re on Twitter and you got a show of your own, don t you?
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I am on Twitter at JPDEF, JPDEF, and I do have a show.
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We are Podcast One Brothers now.
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That s right.
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I just joined up with Podcast One for my show, Grumpy Old Geeks, where my co-host and I talk every week about the goings on on the internet, cool movies to see, books to read, music to listen to, things like that.
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Things to complain about.
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We are grumpy old geeks.
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Come on.
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It s kind of built into the title there.
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It is.
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It is.
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Also, don t forget about the Art of Charm Challenge.
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Text the word CHARMED, C-H-A-R-M-E-D, to 33444.
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That works here in the States.
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You can also go to theartofcharm.com slash challenge.
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We re teaching you how to become a better networker, better developing relationships, increasing your social capital, increasing your charisma.
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And it s for both guys and gals, so check that out.
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Text the word CHARMED to 33444 or go to theartofcharm.com slash challenge.
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Quick shoutouts to Andrew Byrne.
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He actually heard two guys on a train in London talking about AOC.
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He subscribed sort of repetitiously on his phone.
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He s been a huge fan ever since.
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I love that.
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I think that d be serendipitously.
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No, no, so he like kind of on the low is like what are they talking about and looked at the guy s screen and I guess like Searched for it and found it.
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Yeah, so serendipitously and surreptitiously I believe almost I miss using that word too, which is totally possible and another shout to Jordan Laverty who just moved and listens to AOC to make the most of her time in a new town of
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with a new network that we re helping her grow with our skills with Z. Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up.
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I d love to shout you out.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com, including info on our live residential boot camps.
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Those are run just about every single week here in LA.
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If you really want to dig into this stuff, work on your AOC skills with us as your coaches.
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That s theartofcharm.com slash bootcamp.
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Now stay charming, get out there and connect and leave everyone better than you found them.