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Welcome to The Art of Charm.
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I m your host, Jordan Harbinger.
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I m here with producer Jason DeFilippo.
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Here at AOC, we may not have all the answers, but we certainly have some of the questions, and of course, on Fan Mail Friday, those questions come from you.
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If you re new to The Art of Charm podcast, Fan Mail Friday is not a great place to start.
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Most of our content is more in-depth, it s a longer format, so check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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That s where we ve got our fundamentals of reading body language and charismatic nonverbal communication, the science of attraction, negotiation techniques, networking and influence strategies, persuasion tactics, and everything else that we teach here at The Art of Charm.
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We ll send all this to your inbox if you text CHARMED, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444 here in the States, or anywhere else, just go to theartofcharm.com.
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Alright, let s cut to it.
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Hi Jordan, I just finished listening to the Darya Rose podcast on creating good habits and not always resorting to willpower.
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I m wondering how I could go about creating good habits, i.e.
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the gym, going to sleep on time, eating properly, etc.
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on a flex schedule.
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I work a job that typically has me starting work anytime from 4-6am and has me finishing whenever I m done, usually 8-12 hours later, but my finish time can be postponed depending on what may go wrong in a given day.
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I also go to school at night from six to nine p.m.
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I m wondering how I might effectively create good habits around my ever-changing schedule.
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Thank you, Aaron.
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Yeah, this is interesting because of course we have the ability to create a good schedule, a good routine, going to bed at the right time, getting up at the right time.
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And once you throw a flex schedule into the mix, then you re throwing all kinds of monkey wrenches in there because you don t have any set routine.
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But the truth is you do have some set routines.
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So what we want to do is lean into the set routine as much as possible.
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Maybe your work time starts differently each day.
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Maybe it ends different time each day.
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Try to get your going to bed and wake up times the same no matter what you do and maybe move things like the time you go to the gym or the time that you create certain meal habits or something like that.
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You really are only able to control what you can.
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So instead of saying,
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Well, I ve got this flex schedule, I can t do anything about it.
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Switch to a routine that gets at least your sleep on schedule.
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You can also switch your environment if possible.
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I mean, if you can get a different job that doesn t have a flex schedule or if you can get them to start at least at the same time and maybe end at different times, even if that means you re eating your meals at different times, that s better than changing around your sleep schedule, which your body really doesn t adapt to very well.
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And of course, you know, we re big fans of using psychology against ourselves here at AOC.
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So, for example, making sure that you re not getting up super early because of environmental factors or something that s unavoidable and then trying to sleep through it.
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For example, if you know your wife takes the kids to school at a certain time, don t try to sleep through it.
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Try to go to bed earlier so that when they wake up, you re up.
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Other things are don t screw around with your phone at night, make sure you re getting to bed at the right time, you re not looking at blue light, you re using blue blockers, the eye mask, all the stuff I ve mentioned in other episodes of the show, making sure that you are setting yourself up for success there and not just, well, you know, I leave my phone in my room because it s my alarm clock and then I surf Reddit for three hours, don t get enough sleep, etc.
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Same thing with the food.
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If you are eating at different times, you re not able to eat healthy, pack a lunch.
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That s the bottom line is you have to do that.
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No using the excuse, well, you know, I ate late so I had to go to Burger King.
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Again, that doesn t fly with us.
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Remember, you got to go to sleep ASAP.
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Use the blue blockers.
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Use the eye mask.
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Get some blackout curtains and go to bed.
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If you can make sure that you go to bed at the same time every night,
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you can be darn sure you re going to get more and better quality sleep, and you re going to be able to wake up at a certain time.
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So yes, you re on a flex schedule, but I find it hard to believe that you can t drill down at least the sleep schedule, even if everything else in your life is totally chaotic and variable, getting that sleep schedule on track will do wonders.
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Hope that helps.
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All right, next up.
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Jordan, I listen to the show often and I often recommend your show to colleagues and co-workers.
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A while back I listened to a Fan Mail Friday question from the actress with the jealous boyfriend and the response from the other fan on November 2nd.
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Sorry, but the advice from November 2nd missed the real problem of the actress, her boyfriend s jealousy.
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It s hard to explain jealousy as the controlling and ultimately uncaring behavior that it is to someone who hasn t known it.
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The actress should offer to go to counseling with the boyfriend, lay out a game plan, and fairness rules for dealing with the issues, and if he can t or won t get a grip on his jealousy, she should break up with him.
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Her life s dream of being an actress, hopefully a successful paying job for her, with varied roles, is incompatible with someone who cannot watch her kiss someone else.
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Not a lot of room there for argument.
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For a normal person with regular insecurities, the November 2nd advice was fine.
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But controlling jealous behaviors are not regular insecurities.
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The behavior is often the first clue of a potentially abusive relationship.
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First, it s don t kiss other guys even for an acting job.
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Next, it s don t hang out with other guys or work with other guys.
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Then it s don t hang out with single women because they might know single guys.
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You get the picture.
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Granted, this is a podcast mail-in show, so that s why I m not saying for sure the guy is controlling and jealous, but she s afraid he will ask her to give up her dream career.
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Sometimes a person will downplay the bad behavior when they are looking for help.
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She might be in love with him and hope these techniques will change him.
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But what if he gets a charge out of making her give things up?
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What if her feelings are really low on his priority list?
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She got a degree in acting and avoided kissing anyone the whole time to make him feel comfortable.
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Sounds pretty iffy to me.
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So for sure, if he won t go to counseling with her and figure out how to set fair boundaries, she needs to hit those bricks and move on.
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It isn t selfishness, it s self-respect.
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Cheers, Leslie.
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Hey Leslie, I actually agree with this 100%.
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I do think that the advice from November 2nd did miss the real problem and the reason I aired it because I thought this is valid in large part for a large number of people listening to this particular problem, but you really do nail it in that
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That advice is great for people with normal levels of insecurity, but controlling jealous behaviors are not regular insecurities.
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And I think the voice of experience here from Leslie in the part that we did cut a little bit is that the behavior that we re seeing here is often the first clue of a potentially abusive relationship.
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And we re not saying that your boyfriend is definitely going to be abusive.
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We re not saying that people who do this are bound to be abusive in other ways.
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But it is a slippery slope and it s a big red flag.
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So the test, the litmus test here, as Leslie suggests, is get him to go to counseling with her, with you, if this is your issue.
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Figure out how to set those fair boundaries.
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If he won t play ball with that, then he s not interested in setting fair boundaries.
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He s only interested in the control.
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And that is a very, very deep,
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deep, deep shade of red on that red flag.
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So you got to hit those bricks and move on.
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Thanks, Leslie.
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Great advice from somebody who s been in a similar situation.
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Next up.
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I have a question for Fan Mail Friday.
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Well, you ve come to the right place for that one.
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I m not sure if you ve delved into a topic such as this, but it came up when you had Susan Winter on talking about breakups.
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When I was 19, an ex-boyfriend gave me the lovely gift of genital herpes.
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Thanks, buddy!
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I told my last boyfriend about it at the beginning of the relationship, and he totally accepted me anyway.
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Fast forward several years, and that boyfriend and I broke up over a year ago.
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Having been single for a while, I m ready to get back into the dating game.
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However, the fear of bringing up this subject is preventing me from even going on dates.
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In regards to the HSV, it is very well controlled, and I didn t pass it on to my last boyfriend of 3 years.
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While I know that there are estimates that 1 in 6, or even up to 1 in 3 people have the virus, it s still a huge social taboo.
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How would you suggest I go about telling a date about this?
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When would I broach the subject?
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And how would you or any of the other guys feel if a girl told you about this?
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This has to be more common than I think it is, but no one s ever talked about it.
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And I know there are definitely dudes with potentially the same problem.
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Thanks for any insight.
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Anonymous.
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Of course, anonymous, yeah.
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I mean, talk about the gift that keeps on giving.
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What a pain in the butt.
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And it sucks to get it when you re 19.
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You got your whole life ahead of you.
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It s one guy that you probably never talk to anymore, not a big part of your life, et cetera.
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It is kind of a bummer.
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So I know there s a lot of people that have this problem.
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I mean, I don t know the stats off the top of my head, but isn t it like one in three people have this?
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It s just that a lot of people don t have symptoms and things like that.
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And of course, you know, she s taking the antiviral drug.
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She s never had an issue with it.
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But I would say that
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You definitely, obviously have to tell people about this, otherwise you are a total scumbag, even though it s not your fault that you have it in the first place, Anonymous.
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When I would bring it up is, if things are getting hot and heavy, you need to step back, take a pause, and go, look, we need to talk about something.
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And of course, he s gonna go, ah, she s gonna try to talk me out of it, or talk about how conservative she is, or how she doesn t sleep together on date number whatever we re talking about here.
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But if you sit down and you go, look, I mean, you know, I like you, I wanna do this, but
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When I was 19, which by now is a long, long time ago, judging by what we ve seen in the rest of the email here, some of which we edited, it was a long time ago.
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He s gonna understand it or he s gonna be a jerk about it and not understand it.
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But what won t happen is you won t have to explain after the fact that you did this thing with him and now he might have it, et cetera, et cetera.
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He needs to go in knowing what s up.
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He needs to go in knowing, look, you ve been on antivirals, it s never spread, you ve had serious relationships.
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After this, nothing has ever happened and allow him to make an educated decision about it.
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Another thing I would say is that after you have that type of talk, you need to give him the ability to sleep on it, right?
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Because what we don t want to see is he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, no problem.
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And then you dive in the sack.
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and then the next day he s like, oh my gosh, I m freaking out, heat of the moment, two, three glasses of wine deep, what did I do?
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Now he s freaking out, he s maybe mad at you, he s mad at himself.
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You really need to have a rational, calm conversation about this.
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It s not a first date thing, it s not a third date thing.
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This is a, look, you know, I want to be more intimate with you, but I want to get this out of the way.
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And if somebody breaks up with you because of this,
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Well, I mean, I understand that they re afraid of this, but this is a decision they have to make, and maybe you re setting yourself up for a little bit of rejection, a little bit of hurt here, but the truth is, somebody who s reasonable, rational, and then goes home and Googles and does the research on this, they re going to be able to make an educated decision and do some cost-benefit with how much they like you versus what they calculate as their risk factor.
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And that s unfair in terms of you having this and other people not having to worry about this, but
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Them s the breaks, and I think it s going to do you a favor because it s going to allow you, looking at the positives of this situation, to screen in guys who are a little bit more intelligent, a lot more understanding, and people who really like you, versus the guys who just want a quickie and are telling you what you want to hear, because those are going to be the ones that say, peace and never call you back, and good riddance, you re better off without them.
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Does that make sense?
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What do you think of that, Jason?
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Well, as someone who has had this happen to him a month after I started sleeping with the girl and she unloaded the the secret on me, I can tell you that telling or having that discussion before you get intimate is really key because that was an instant breakup.
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And, you know, of course, and I was worried for a couple of months because I m like, OK, if she had this and didn t tell me, does she have anything else?
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And then I had to wait to get tested.
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And it was a really crappy time.
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And it s just I mean, it s instant breach of trust.
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So yeah, right.
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And honestly, you can t make up for it later, right?
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You can t like later on go, well, it didn t tell you because no, like it s purely selfish if you don t say anything.
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So yeah, it s it s becomes a deal breaker instead of something that you can work around if you don t talk about it, right?
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Yeah.
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And if she d have brought it up beforehand, I would have been totally fine with it.
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But she didn t, she lied to me.
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Because I asked her before we went to bed the first time, I m like, is there anything you need to tell me before we, you know, sleep together?
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I m like, I ve got my tests, I m good.
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She s like, yep, me too.
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Boom.
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And then a month later, she s like, do you know what Valtrex is?
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I m just like, oh no.
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So.
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Man, that s cool.
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Some people some people but you re hurt free now.
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So you dodged a bullet I did die But and I want to back up what you said that you have to have time to sleep on it So, you know if you re getting close to that point at least do it a date before you know So there is that time for processing so the so the guy can you know come to terms with it and I m I m
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you know, I d say 95% of the guys out there are going to be smart enough to say, Hey, look, she s careful.
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She s taken her meds.
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We can be careful together and still have a great relationship and no harm, no foul.
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Perfect.
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Love it.
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All right, next question.
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Hey Jordan, I ve been listening to your podcast for almost six months here in Dubai and I love it.
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I m in a situation now that I usually let go of, but I m not sure I can let this one go.
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I met an amazing girl in June and we hit it off really well and we ve been on a couple of dates.
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Sadly, her mom passed away in October and naturally things have stopped.
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I offered my condolences and support through this tough time, and we ve not been in contact until I saw her last week at a mutual friend s birthday party.
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Even though it could be all on the surface, she seemed fine and ready to move on.
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I would really like to reinitiate the conversation with her, but not sure how.
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Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.
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I would usually let the girl go at this point, but I have a different feeling about this one.
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Thanks, Abe. 
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So first thing I want to note here from Abe is that I changed his name just because I always do that but he is definitely more of a conservative Muslim type of person given some of the rest of the email and he s a local in Dubai not like an expat working there so I just want to sort of highlight that because that does color the advice a little bit.
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What I would say also here is
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No matter what you think, how her mom passed away in October, I mean we re looking at, I got this email in December, she s not fine and ready to move on.
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This is going to take a long time.
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A parent passed away.
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It looks like she s fine on the surface because that might be the first time she felt comfortable enough going out of the house to hang out with friends.
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What you re seeing is a brave face.
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You re not seeing
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someone who went, yeah, guess my mom s dead, but I m going to move right on with my life.
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That s not how it works.
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Unless you re talking about even estranged parents have heavier effects on their children when they pass away.
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I mean, that s just how it goes.
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So don t your assessment of her being fine and ready to move on, I would say is probably unlikely, slightly flawed.
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You can, however, reinitiate the conversation with her.
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That s fine.
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I mean, she s looking for friends here.
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What you need to do is not put pressure on her to be your girlfriend and
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manage all your expectations and all of these things.
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You just want to get to know her, if that s something that you think you can manage inside the constraints of your culture, your conservative culture here.
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You said you d usually let the girl go at this point, but you have a different feeling about this one.
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This is where I m going to sound cold callous, but this is the coach in me talking.
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Your feeling about her has nothing to do with her feelings about you.
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Your feeling about her really has nothing to do with the reality of how you two will be once you re a couple.
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Because you re not a couple, you have no idea.
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You just like her a lot because you re attracted to her a lot really doesn t have anything to do with reality.
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And I know that s kind of a cold shower and cold calculated and callous, but them s the breaks.
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you feeling that she s more special than other people that you know at this stage is invalid.
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This is called lust.
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It s really easy.
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It s really an elementary calculation in every new relationship, or I should say even pre-relationship.
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Very common feeling, very universal, which means it s almost totally replaceable with another person who you also find attractive.
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So don t weigh her
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more heavily than other people, you might have a crush on her, but it has nothing to do with her viability as a long-term relationship for you.
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So, that s a long way of saying, make friends with her, put no pressure on her to be in a relationship with you because that type of pressure is going to get her to run.
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not walk away from you, and rightfully so, especially this soon after her mom passed away.
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So, you can be around, you can be friends with her, you can be friends with her friends, and you can be there when she is ready to move on, but under no circumstances do you need to now pounce because you feel like she s extra super special.
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If she s that special, she ll be around in six to eight months or a year when she s ready to actually have a relationship, and at that point, if you liked her and you stuck around in that circle of friends, you ll be in prime position.
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I m going to completely second that because I did date a girl who lost her mother and it took her a year and a half and we basically split up during that time and I was just a friend to her for a year and a half and didn t try and push anything and when she was ready she came back to me.
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But I was there at the middle of the night when she needed somebody to talk to, you know, when she calls, answer the phone or just call her and ask her how she s doing every now and again.
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You just you still want to, you know, maintain contact and be a good friend.
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Don t be a jerk about it.
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You know, she s she lost somebody.
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And if she s, you know, if she s somebody that you want to be around, be a friend, just be a really good friend.
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And the rest will take care of itself.
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Right.
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And this isn t be pretend.
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I just want to super clarify this right this isn t pretend to be her friends So that eventually you guys can sleep together when she s vulnerable enough because I feel like you can be on the fence here and we see this all the time where guys who are in the friendzone
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And maybe didn t put themselves there, but circumstances did or she s done it.
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Those are the guys who are like, I ll answer your phone at 3 a.m.
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I ll drive you to the airport all the time.
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And there s this covert contract where if she doesn t eventually like you, you get angry because you feel like I ve put in the time.
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You re not entitled to anything.
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You can be her friend for a long time, but if she doesn t eventually choose to have a relationship with you, you don t get to get mad about it because you decided to be her friend and wait for her.
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That s not how it works, right?
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No covert contracts.
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And we discuss covert contracts a lot in other episodes of Fan Mail Friday, in other episodes of The Art of Charm.
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So, you actually have to be a real friend.
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And if you can t do that, then this girl s not more special.
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You just wanted to get in it.
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Sorry to put it so crudely, but that s the truth, right?
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If you really feel like she s super special, then you d want to be this person s friend and anything that romantic follows later.
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Anytime you re putting pressure on somebody or forcing them on your own timeline, that s all your junk and your emotional baggage.
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It has nothing to do with them.
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Couldn t agree more.
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Alright, next up.
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Hi Jordan, I know you give great advice and I m trying to help my brother.
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He s in the Marines and has been in a long relationship with his girlfriend who is also a Marine.
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She hasn t had sex with him in five months because she found out he watched porn.
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She s also been married the whole time that she s known him.
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Oh my god.
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I don t think porn is the problem here.
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No.
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He wanted her to get a divorce and said he would pay for it, but she wouldn t do it.
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He s moving halfway across the country and he wants to maintain a long distance relationship with her and hopes she moves down there, even though she didn t choose to move with him.
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I told him he should move on, but he s stuck on her.
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SPEAKER_00
Maybe it s the scarcity mindset.
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Any advice I can give to him would be awesome.
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SPEAKER_00
Thanks for your service.
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Yeah, well I should say thanks for your service and thanks for your brother s service.
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These guys are both actually in the service and he s emailing me on his brother s behalf.
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Which, the fact that he s emailing me on his brother s behalf, first of all, tells me that his brother s not going to follow the advice that we give him here.
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But since there may be other people in this situation...
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And it s an interesting question.
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I ll go for it here.
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Look, this woman hasn t had sex with him in five months because she found out he watched porn.
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That s not the reason.
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Look, she s either using that as an excuse or she s trying to control him because she s so insecure about that activity, possibly, that she wants to make sure that he s punished for it.
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But most likely there s something else going on here.
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The fact that she s been married the whole time she s known him... I was going to say, could it be the fact that she s married?
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Yeah, I mean, women can be scumbags too, and it sounds like she might be one of them.
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Granted, she might be teetering on the edge of divorce and, you know, separated, and she s as good as divorced at this point, but he wanted her to get a divorce.
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What about her?
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Does she want to get a divorce?
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This isn t even addressed in the email.
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He said he d pay for it, so obviously she brought up the reason, well, divorce is expensive, but then she still wouldn t do it.
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SPEAKER_02
Guess what?
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She s still in an active relationship with her husband.
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And it probably goes along with one of the reasons why she won t sleep with you.
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SPEAKER_02
Your brother s the guy on the side here.
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He s moving halfway across the country.
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He wants to maintain a long-distance relationship, hoping she moves down there, but she d already said no.
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SPEAKER_02
This is absolutely scarcity mindset.
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This is very toxic, very poisonous.
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He needs to listen to the Art of Charm Toolbox, which by the way, theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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SPEAKER_02
But here s the thing.
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If you re writing on his behalf, he s not going to listen to this advice.
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What s going to likely happen is he s going to go, Jordan doesn t know what he s talking about.
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These guys are jack-offs.
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And he s going to go ahead, be in a long-distance relationship with her.
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She s eventually going to jerk him around long enough and go back to her husband, and he s going to go, wah, why me?
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And we re going to be right back here where we started saying, I told you so.
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Actually, I d like to think I m more compassionate than that, but I m sort of projecting into the future here.
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The advice that I have for him is
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You ve got to learn how to get out of the scarcity mindset.
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The toolbox is why we created that in part is to get out of that scarcity mindset.
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However, the fact that you re writing, his brother s writing us on his behalf tells me he s not ready to hear this advice at all anyway.
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So it s a lost cause.
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He s probably going to have to learn this one the hard way and then when he does fall, that s when you can show him these resources because right now it sounds like he thinks he knows how to control this situation and he has no idea what s coming.
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I hope that makes sense and I hope you all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget you can email us at Friday at TheArtOfCharm.com to get your questions answered here on the air.
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A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at TheArtOfCharm.com slash FMF for Fan Mail Friday 96.
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Don t forget about the AOC challenge as well.
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SPEAKER_02
Text the word charmed
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SPEAKER_02
That s C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444 here in the U.S., or anywhere else, just go to theartofcharm.com.
2
SPEAKER_02
We re taking you step-by-step at becoming better at making personal and professional connections, becoming a better networker, increasing your personal social capital and your charisma, and it s for both guys and gals, so check that out.
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SPEAKER_02
Text the word CHARMED to 33444 in the States.
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SPEAKER_02
That s C-H-A-R-M-E-D, or everywhere else, just go to theartofcharm.com.
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SPEAKER_02
By the way, I do a lot of speaking these days.
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Just spoke at the 2nd Ranger Battalion up in Fort Lewis, a couple of other real estate conferences down in Hawaii.
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I know, tough life.
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So if you re interested in having me come and speak to your organization, especially corporations and schools and things like that, reach out to me here, jordanattheartofcharm.com.
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Quick shout out to the Hatponics crew and the CHS Lions Powers of Hope team.
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They re working in rural Jamaica, building an aquaponics system to help a Jamaican school for the deaf feed itself.
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How cool is that?
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Isn t that cool?
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They said last year there was a time the school lacked funding and the kids went hungry.
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So this ish is real down there.
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It s like if they can t grow their own food, they can t eat.
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And that s definitely no bueno.
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So they started a joint venture between this company that Jeremy Ashton, who s getting a shout out here, works for in a local high school.
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The high schoolers designed a solar powered system to supplement their unreliable electricity grid down in Jamaica.
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They fundraised for all the supplies, all the travel,
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And they re putting in grow beds, and a farming shed, and solar panels, and all this stuff.
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And Jeremy says, thanks for all you ve taught me through the years.
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It s brought me to where I am today, and I love it.
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Working pro bono for people who truly need the help, getting to interact with the high schoolers and teach them real world skills, it s incredibly rewarding.
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And the tropical weather doesn t hurt much either.
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That s Jeremy down at Hatponix in Jamaica.
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Very cool.
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That sure beats what I was building in high school, which were mostly pipe bombs or whatever.
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So definitely.
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Hats off to the Hatponics crew and another shout out to Meredith from her crazy dad teaching in Wuxi, China.
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Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up.
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I ll shout you out.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com, including info on our live residential boot camps that we run pretty much every single week here in LA.
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SPEAKER_02
So if you really want to dig into this stuff and work on your AOC skills with us as your coaches, check out bootcamp.theartofcharm.com.
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Now stay charming, get out there and connect, and leave everyone better than you found them.
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SPEAKER_01
Thanks for listening to the Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.