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All right, it s time for Fan Mail Friday, or as I m calling it this Friday, Bubonic Plague Friday, because I ve got something awful, so that s why I sound awful, but we ll be answering your questions and dropping some knowledge and feedback to help at least you kick the weekend off, right?
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, this isn t a great place to start.
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Most of our content is much more in-depth and longer format, so check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the fundamentals toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox, and we ll send all of this to your inbox if you text charmed, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D, to 33444.
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There we ve got the fundamentals of body language and nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, and everything else we teach here at the Yard of Charm.
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And you won t have to hear me mouth breathing because normally I can breathe through other parts of my face.
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All right, let s cut to it.
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Dear Jordan, I just moved somewhere new, thousands of miles from where I grew up and lived basically all my life.
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It s not a small town by any means, but I m having trouble getting my footing and making new friends.
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What do you recommend?
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Signed, Friendless in Florida.
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Hey friendless, the skills used in socializing are basically the same whether you re trying to get a girlfriend or make new guy friends.
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And how do you do that?
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First, obviously you need to get out and meet people.
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You might be able to have a good chat online with some guys, but you re never gonna have a social life that way.
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Use the internet for what it is, which is a tool that might have you finding all the right spots you wanna be a lot faster, but just a tool nonetheless.
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you re gonna have the easiest time making friends with common interests and activities.
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Guys suck at making friends.
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We re really good at having activity partners.
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So start looking for meetups around activities that you like, that you enjoy, classes about things you wanna learn.
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You can meet people of either gender and you can learn a useful skill at the same time.
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So even if the people part doesn t work out, the skill part can work out and you have something in common with everybody else in that class.
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A lot of guys also find it a little awkward to
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start conversations with other guys.
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It can t be stressed enough that talking to a guy you want to be friends with is basically the same as talking to a woman without the sexual overtones.
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Lots of smiles, making the other person feel comfortable is the name of the game.
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Concentrate on common interests before suggesting the two of you grab a drink or go for a hike together.
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And stuffing groups is better with guys.
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That way it doesn t sound like a mandate or something that could potentially be awkward.
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And after that, you got to be selective about who you re friends with.
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A guy who just wants to be friends with anyone isn t going to make very good friends.
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Instead, set your sights on the type of people that you want to be friends with and not just who s around.
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I ve got faith you ll be making friends in no time, so good luck there.
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And we did an entire show on this called Making Friends in a New Town.
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You should definitely check that out.
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We can link it up in the post notes as well.
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Nora writes, about that fan mail Friday guy who fell in love over the phone with a woman he never ended up meeting.
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I think you hit it on the head that among other issues, the woman is hiding something.
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My friend s niece had something similar happen to her a few years ago, falling in love over the phone with a man, spending hours on the phone, never being able to meet in person for one reason or another.
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Months later, she found out it was actually an acquaintance, a woman who had it out for her for some reason.
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The woman apparently used some sort of technology to make her voice sound male over the phone.
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It was really traumatic for my friend s niece in the end.
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And didn t something similar happen to a football player a few years ago?
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Anyway, a possibility.
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SPEAKER_01
And by the way, I m a 59-year-old woman, retired, living out in the country, and I love your show.
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Thought you might like to add that to your demographics info.
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That s cool.
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I love the fact that we have, we have thousands, tens of thousands of women listening to AOC and they always, they always write like this.
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I know I m not part of your normal demographic or I know I m not your customer avatar.
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I think we can see now the fact that I get that literally every day shows that we have multiple customer slash listener avatars for the art of charm.
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And I m, I m glad Nora that you wrote in about this.
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This happens a lot.
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I actually heard an episode, Jason, you heard of this podcast called criminal?
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Oh yeah, that s a good one.
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Yeah, it s not bad.
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Some some are hit and miss episodes, but there was one about there s these scams and it s not just people who have it out for you like in the above example or the earlier example that Nora gave but there are scams where people just pretend to be.
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these guys or girls and they go after usually people who are divorced or widowed and they have kind of a target avatar and eventually they start asking for money.
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And there are support groups for these people online and they ve got like 100,000 members.
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It s just unbelievable how common these types of scams are.
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So I m not saying that the guy who wrote in earlier to Fan Mail Friday last week was necessarily being scammed, but it s quite possible that he is.
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or just that the other person is kind of nuts.
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But it happens so often that we just need to look, frankly, to the internet for examples of this.
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And it did happen to that football player, right?
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Didn t he take a lot of flack because it turned out that his quote-unquote girlfriend, didn t she like die or have a disease or something?
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And he was like, oh my gosh, she s got this disease.
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And they investigated and found out the person didn t exist.
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Oh, that s insane.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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I don t know all the details.
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I m sure somebody will write in next week and say, oh, it was this guy and show me the article.
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I vaguely remember that.
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And it was really embarrassing because he was just being taken advantage of for whatever reason.
0
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And for the audience, do you want to explain what an avatar is?
0
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You use that a lot in this last answer.
0
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And I want to make sure that everybody understands what you re talking about.
0
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I m not even sure where it comes from, but basically it s the archetype of somebody that listens to your show.
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So if somebody writes in and says, hi, I m a 59-year-old retired woman living out in the country.
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I m probably not your normal listener avatar.
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What she means is I assume that everybody who listens to your show is probably a guy who s 25 to 35.
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And for the most part, she would be right.
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So she finds herself being different.
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And I say we have different listener avatars because we have tons and tons of
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women of all ages listening to the Art of Charm, married, single, grandmothers, high school kids, male and female.
0
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So the show now appeals to such a wide demographic because we re not just talking about how to meet women when you go out at night, which is what we were talking about nine years ago.
0
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So there s a lot more at interest here, or of interest to multiple people.
0
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So I m glad to have everybody here as a part of the AOC fam.
0
SPEAKER_00
Avatar just means what does the person look like who listens to us?
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Next question.
0
SPEAKER_01
Usually I m a big fan of the podcast, but after this episode, I wanted to almost pick up the phone and report this person to the medical board.
0
SPEAKER_01
Your advice was insane and completely out of your scope.
0
SPEAKER_01
Not only that, but you proved how ignorant you are about the human body and medicine, and you have no grasp of how Adderall works in the body and the mechanisms.
0
SPEAKER_01
The advice you gave was dangerous and wrong.
0
SPEAKER_01
I was very angry with the irresponsible advice of this episode.
0
SPEAKER_01
Guess what?
0
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If someone is on Adderall alone, they are sober, and exercise will not treat someone who has ADHD.
0
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Then you proceed to say, well, I m not a doctor, but your doctor will most likely not prescribe it for you.
0
SPEAKER_01
WTF kind of advice is that?
0
SPEAKER_01
Another example of people using Dr. Google for medical advice.
0
SPEAKER_01
You ve lost me as a fan and I hope you write a retraction for this individual who came seeking advice about medication.
0
SPEAKER_01
You were very wrong for all the things you wrote, even though we didn t write them.
0
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Sincerely, someone in the medical field.
0
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So this is interesting because
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I actually was looking back at our answer or listening back at our answer and I was kind of surprised.
0
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I think this person Sunia is her name I think she just drastically grossly misunderstood what we actually were communicating here exercise.
0
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is not designed to treat, quote unquote, somebody with ADHD.
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It s designed to help people who cannot focus, focus more.
0
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And I don t think anybody who knows what they re talking about, doctor or otherwise, would argue that exercise is not going to help with that.
0
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It s one of the primary things that everyone recommends for people who have trouble sitting still, focusing, and getting it done.
0
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Sober means without the presence of any drugs.
0
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So, I know you re thinking, Suniya, that we re just talking about alcohol here, but if somebody is on Adderall alone, they are not quote-unquote sober.
0
SPEAKER_00
No.
0
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Sober means that you are not under the influence of anything, and Adderall, by definition, it s an amphetamine.
0
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It influences you, period.
0
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So, you re wrong.
0
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The other thing is, frankly, I m not using Dr. Google.
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I had real doctors opine on this.
0
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In fact,
0
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The last doctor that prescribed me Adderall back in college said, do not take this.
0
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It is terrible for you.
0
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And if you do need to take it, only take it when you need it.
0
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Do not continue to take it because it is habit forming.
0
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So I was really surprised because you re in the medical field and.
0
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I thought, wow, that s really strange.
0
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And I wrote her back and I asked her if she was a doctor and she said yes.
0
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But that didn t ring true for me.
0
SPEAKER_00
Something was just not right here, Jason.
0
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So I searched and searched and searched and searched and I found that she s not a doctor.
0
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She s a medical student.
0
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And there s a huge difference.
0
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Just like there s a huge difference between a lawyer and a law student.
0
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So you got to be really careful with that, Sunni, because I think you can get yourself in trouble.
0
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And I think a real doctor would also know that you can t report somebody who s not a doctor to the medical board.
0
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You could report me all you want, but they don t have any authority over me because I m not a doctor.
0
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So I guess we have that in common.
0
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Last but not least, if you ve had any actual experience with any kind of medication and you re reporting your own findings, I don t think you need to be in pursuit of a degree or be a doctor to have an opinion on the effects of a certain medication.
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Further, like I said, consult your own doctor.
1
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You have to do that on an individual and case-by-case basis, but make sure they know what they re doing.
1
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A lot of doctors hand out Adderall like candy, and that s a problem.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s not good for you.
1
SPEAKER_03
I don t care if you re a doctor or not.
1
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Nobody s gonna argue that this medication is something that s good for you and that there s no other solution to the problem.
1
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This is about the guy who was asking about how to tell people that he was going to your bootcamp and was bothered by their reaction.
1
SPEAKER_01
Your response was perfect, but another thing I didn t hear, unless I missed it, was that their reaction indicates that he s with the wrong circle.
1
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I noted that if I told any of my friends I was doing that, they would all be supportive.
1
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Achievers always support doing things to better themselves and people around them instead of accepting where they currently are.
1
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Anyway, just thought I d share.
1
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Keep up the great work, Jeremy.
1
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, I think this is a really good point.
1
SPEAKER_03
Your social circle s often sort of a bellwether, yes.
1
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Whether or not you re among the right people, you re going to see the reaction.
1
SPEAKER_03
Now, sometimes it s hard to tell, right?
1
SPEAKER_03
If the reaction is negative and it s for a good reason, then you might want to listen to that.
1
SPEAKER_03
But if you re doing something that you know is undeniably good for you, but you re worried about the fact that other people won t understand that,
1
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You re right, Jeremy, it s a really good indication that they are not actually on the same page as you.
1
SPEAKER_03
It doesn t mean you have to cut them out of your life or never see them again, but it might be that you have certain circles where you can share and be open about certain things, and maybe your old circle s not good for that.
1
SPEAKER_03
It doesn t mean you can t be friends with them anymore, but it does have to do with the type of support that you can expect from certain people and not from others.
1
SPEAKER_00
Hey, Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
1
SPEAKER_00
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SPEAKER_00
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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SPEAKER_00
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1
SPEAKER_01
Hi Jordan.
1
SPEAKER_01
Thanks for the great show.
1
SPEAKER_01
Here s my question.
1
SPEAKER_01
I am a deep thinker and a deep person in general.
1
SPEAKER_01
I often struggle with relationships because of my expectations being different from the people I meet.
1
SPEAKER_01
I can do casual interactions easily, but I don t find them meaningful.
1
SPEAKER_01
What I find meaningful is deep connection.
1
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I realize that most interactions are surface level and I m okay with this.
1
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but I struggle to know how to quote unquote manage my relationships.
1
SPEAKER_01
I don t want to be transactional and mechanical about it, but I need a mental heuristic or shortcut approach to relationships.
1
SPEAKER_01
Without one, I spend too much time on unreciprocated relationships slash friendships.
1
SPEAKER_01
How do I know who to invest in and focus on rather than spreading myself too thin on people who don t see my value?
1
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Regards, Introverted Extrovert.
1
SPEAKER_01
Hey, this is a really good question slash comment.
1
SPEAKER_03
Relationships of all kinds are a numbers game initially.
1
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having this surface stuff, this sort of non-deep connections is always a part of it.
1
SPEAKER_03
Getting deeper though, it s about who replies to your follow-up after you ve met the first time or after you plan something.
1
SPEAKER_03
Of course there s the people you click with right away, which is pretty rare as you probably know from your own experience.
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Most of us who seem really socially adept, at least on the outside, we re not only good at going deeper,
1
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faster in relationships, but also making that surface level stuff feel effortless for those that are around us and for those of us that are interacting with us.
1
SPEAKER_03
Unfortunately, practice and training is really the only way I know of to get there.
1
SPEAKER_03
You can t just say, I only want deep relationships.
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because you re never gonna start a relationship that goes deep immediately without any surface level stuff.
1
SPEAKER_03
It s not normal, it s not how most people are, and you could be screening for the people who only do deep connection stuff, but you re gonna find yourself disappointed in the amount of people that you find you re able to connect with.
1
SPEAKER_03
Sorry, but it is a numbers game, and you gotta get good at the social customs before you can start making true, deep connections and friends and significant relationships.
1
SPEAKER_03
That s just how it goes.
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And you can improve that skill set, you can improve your screening, and you can improve your ability to get there faster and do the whole process faster, but you can t really avoid it.
1
SPEAKER_01
Hi Jordan, I was listening to Fan Mail Friday 49 where you answered a question posed by quote-unquote insanity in a nutshell.
1
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The question was about how his friend was having a relationship with a man who was married and when he told her his opinion of how it was wrong she flipped out on him and he wanted your take on the situation.
1
SPEAKER_01
Your answer was along the lines of he should apologize for pressing his opinions and beliefs on her because she was asking for his support, not his opinion.
1
SPEAKER_01
Similar situations have come up with my close friends of the same or opposite sex, and I struggle to know when, if ever, I should voice my opinion.
1
SPEAKER_01
On one side of the coin, I want to be a confident person and express my thoughts and feelings to close friends and family, but on the other side, I don t want to be overreaching or my opinions to cause any rifts.
1
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When is it okay to express your opinions to your friends who you really care about?
1
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When is it too judgmental or dominating?
1
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When is not speaking up a negative?
1
SPEAKER_01
I struggle with finding the right line.
1
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Thank you for all the awesome content.
1
SPEAKER_01
Your interviews keep getting better and better.
1
SPEAKER_01
Wanting to be a good friend.
1
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Daniel.
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Hey, Daniel, thank you for the kind words.
1
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I think he gave a couple of examples in here that we didn t read because we don t want to blow up the whole fan mail Friday here with this, but it can be really tricky.
1
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A lot of times we have to read between the lines if we re going to figure out when to express our opinions to our friends we really care about.
1
SPEAKER_03
It depends on whether or not they re doing something we think is hurting them and what they re actually asking us to do.
1
SPEAKER_03
So for example, in Fan Mail Friday 49, Insanity in a nutshell had a problem because she was asking for support and he instead expressed his opinion instead.
1
SPEAKER_03
You really do need to give both at some point, but the timing is key here, and usually our friends are just asking us for support.
1
SPEAKER_03
There s really a good way to sort of clarify this whole thing, and that is to ask.
1
SPEAKER_03
If someone s venting to you and going off about something, chances are they just want an emotional cushion.
1
SPEAKER_03
Later on, if they re asking you for advice,
1
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fine, go ahead, but anytime something is unsolicited, it s probably not going to be well-received.
1
SPEAKER_03
And we ve seen this from drug interventions all the way to relationship advice, and really, when is it too judgmental and too dominating?
1
SPEAKER_03
When you tell them that they have to do something, even though they didn t ask you, or you try to persuade them to act in a way that they really don t wanna do.
1
SPEAKER_03
And fortunately, sometimes, yeah, you re gonna see people do things that are not good for them,
1
SPEAKER_03
and they re gonna be people that are close to you, and you just have to accept that, because if you try to control their behavior, they re gonna resent you for it, which is gonna even further limit your ability to influence what they do, which is obviously not going to help them at all, especially if they keep doing things that are self-destructive.
1
SPEAKER_03
You need them to trust, like, and respect you and your advice, and they re not gonna do that if you keep forcing it on them.
1
SPEAKER_03
When is not speaking up a negative?
1
SPEAKER_03
Not speaking up is a negative only if they re
1
SPEAKER_03
frankly asking you for advice and you re not giving it because you re afraid of the consequences, there s a certain point at which you have to say, look, just for the record, I think this is a really bad idea.
1
SPEAKER_03
Your friend tells you they re gonna commit a crime or something, you say, look, do not do that.
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SPEAKER_03
Do not do that.
1
SPEAKER_03
It is a terrible idea.
1
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Here are all the things that can go wrong.
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SPEAKER_03
I care about you.
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SPEAKER_03
I don t want to see you get hurt.
1
SPEAKER_03
Anytime somebody s going to do something that you think is hurting them, you definitely want to mention something, but you can t tell them not to do it.
1
SPEAKER_03
You can only educate them and hope that they come to the right conclusion, quote unquote right conclusion.
1
SPEAKER_03
It can be tricky, but here s the line.
1
SPEAKER_03
Whenever anything like this
2
SPEAKER_01
crosses my mind, I try to make the idea that they re gonna get mad at me personally for saying something, I try to sort of remove that from the equation if I think it s important enough.
2
SPEAKER_01
You gotta pick your battles here.
2
SPEAKER_01
So if somebody says, I m gonna commit this crime, and I say, do not do that, it s a terrible idea, it s gonna ruin your whole life.
2
SPEAKER_01
I ll say something like that, but I try not to attach it to the conditionality of my friendship, right?
2
SPEAKER_01
If you do this, I can t talk to you anymore because I won t respect you.
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SPEAKER_01
That s not good.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s just gonna create a barrier.
2
SPEAKER_01
And again, most people will tell you if they want advice, and if they re not that kind of person, then you can ask.
2
SPEAKER_01
if you re allowed to give them advice.
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SPEAKER_01
At least at that point, even if they don t follow it, you had permission to do so, and it wasn t just unsolicited.
2
SPEAKER_01
I know that seems a little circular, but it is kind of a case-by-case thing, and traditionally, unsolicited advice goes unheeded, and unless it s really, really important, it s none of your business.
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Hope you all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget, you can email us at friday at the art of charm dot com and we ve got something new.
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Our friends at burner app have set us up with a call in line now.
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So if you d like to leave us a voicemail or text us, you can do so at 415-429-1915.
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That s 415.
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429-1915, and if you need to stay on the down low or you just don t want somebody to have your actual phone number, be sure to check out Burner at burnerapp.com.
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It s a cool app.
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It lets you make new phone numbers on the fly right from your smartphone and sort of burn them when you re done.
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So if you re doing business online or something like that, you don t have to give out your actual phone number.
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Show notes for this episode can be found at theartofcharm.com slash fmf51.
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We ve also got the Art of Charm Challenge at theartofcharm.com slash challenge or text charmed, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444.
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We re gonna take you step by step and help you become better at making personal and professional connections.
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You ll become a better networker, increase both your personal social capital and charisma, and it s unisex for both guys and gals, so check it out at theartofcharm.com slash challenge or text charmed to 33444.
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Quick shout out to Mike K in Japan who listens as he walks along a river.
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That s very Japanese.
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And Barry from Brunnenstrasse in Berlin.
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Brunnenstrasse.
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I don t know what kind of street that is.
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I don t know if it s a tiny street or a big one.
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Anyway, thanks for being a fan, both of ya.
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Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up and I ll shout you out.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com.
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Now have a great weekend.
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Get out there and connect and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to the Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.