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This is the art of charm.
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Learn everything you need to know to crush it in business, love, and life.
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A lot of the AOC sisters, aka our female listeners, have been asking, where s the AOC stuff for women?
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And this is one of those episodes.
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This is an AOC female toolbox episode.
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It s gonna be really, really enlightening for both men and women.
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I don t think if you re a guy that you should skip it, but if you re really not interested in seeing things from the opposite perspective, go ahead, skip to another episode at your own peril.
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In this episode, we re gonna be talking about the Narcissist Code, cracking the Narcissist Code, narcissists, man-children, tornado relationships, family patterns, how to crack the Narcissist Code from the minute you say hello, and how to set boundaries.
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With that, welcome to The Art of Charm.
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The Art of Charm brings together the best thought leaders, teachers, and exceptional individuals to teach you how to be a top performer in life, love, and at work.
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Imagine having a mix of experienced mentors teaching you their expertise and packing decades of research, testing, and tough lessons into a curriculum.
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We may not have all the answers, but we definitely have all the questions.
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Make sure to stay up to date with The Art of Charm and get some great stuff that we don t or can t share on the show by signing up at theartofcharm.com.
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We ll send you our Fundamentals Toolkit that covers topics like body language and nonverbal communication, persuasion, business networking, public speaking, negotiation, and a whole lot more.
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I m also doing regular videos with drills and exercises to help you move forward every single week.
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want to encourage you to join us in the Social Capital Challenge at theartofcharm.com slash challenge or text charmed to 33444 and we ll have you set up right away.
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This challenge is about improving your social capital and inspiring more people to develop a personal and professional relationship with you.
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It will make you a better networker and a connector.
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Text charmed to 33444 or go to theartofcharm.com slash challenge.
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Now, Kim Seltzer.
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So for those of you who haven t heard Kim on the show before, she s a makeover and confidence expert, therapist, dating coach based in L.A., and she coaches women for the Art of Charm.
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And you ve got this mini toolbox running for the ladies here, for guys and girls both, but really female focused, because...
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I just can t get more email about how we ignore women when really the advice that we provide is largely unisex, except for a lot of the dating stuff.
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So I wanted to bring someone on who could sort of face down the challenges women face when it comes to things like today s show, which is setting boundaries and over-caretaking, if I can phrase it like that.
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Why is this important?
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I mean, is this a really common problem that you see in your female friends and in your clients?
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I do.
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I do.
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It s almost like an epidemic, I would say.
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I mean, I see it with men as well.
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But women in particular, I think we re socialized to be caretakers, you know, even from when we were really little.
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So culturally, I see this happening.
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But then on top of it, a lot of women are growing up in either a family system that encourages the over caretaking.
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And we can talk about that a little bit later.
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But what happens with that is the women who kind of take care of others put emphasis on other people s feelings, thoughts, wishes ahead of their own, end up in these, you know, kind of horrible situations with dating relationships.
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They do attract, I will say, and I ve seen this over and over again, the narcissist or the man children.
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So I really I love this topic.
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You know, this is interesting because I m hearing a lot of similarity between what we would call nice guy syndrome, which actually is a misnomer and it doesn t do it any justice because it s not that you re actually a nice guy when you re doing this type of behavior, it s because you have what we call a covert contract where you re hoping that
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well, if I just drive her to the airport enough, one day she ll be like, oh, the guy who s perfect for me was here all along, right in front of me, and, you know, fade to black, crappy rom-com, and I see a little bit of a difference here, a nuanced difference between men and women doing this, and this behavior, because females are often raised to do this, because that s what,
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good women do, and this is your gender role, and all that stuff, whereas a lot of times guys are doing that, they might have been socialized to do it to some degree, but really they re trying to get love in return in an intimate relationship, and they don t treat everybody like that, but I feel like a lot of times when women do this, they do this with all their friends and everyone in their life.
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Oh, my God, completely.
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And, you know, what it is, is when I asked women about their friendships and their relationships with family members, it s the same, you know, and the women will say to me, Well, I don t understand I give, give, give, and I m always helping others, but yet I never get it in return.
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So I said, Well, you know, if this is happening across the board with all your dates with all your relationships,
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who is the common denominator.
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It s the woman and so and it s not to like be depressing or like, Oh my god, you have such a big problem.
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Actually, this is a good problem to have because it s not about changing the caretaker and you it s a beautiful quality men love
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you know that about you, but when you do it so much so where you re not taking care of yourself or setting boundaries and Kind of also demanding that reciprocity, you know You know, it s kind of input output you give and you get and when there s more balance in that first of all the resentment Goes down because a lot of these women are filled with resentment and anger and then it comes off as this passive-aggressive Stuff that happens later on
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This is because of the same covert contract type thing.
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They re filled with resentment because the guy s like, no, this is great, this is just how she is.
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Meanwhile, she s like, he never does anything like this for me.
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I planned all of Thanksgiving and you didn t even take two weeks off for vacation in February.
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And the guy s like, what?
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Where s the connection?
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Right, right, and then meanwhile back at the ranch, the woman never asked the man for help, so he didn t even know, and that s the point.
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Yeah, and I don t want to get into like, and it s the lady s fault that the guy is totally oblivious to reciprocative behavior, right?
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Guys are largely at fault for not paying attention in relationships many times, and I m guilty of that myself.
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What we re looking at here is the behavior
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and the thought pattern of, well, you know, I made him dinner, and I come over and I clean his house, and why doesn t he love me?
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And it s like, whoa, there is no real reasonable nexus between that in the mind of the guy, which is fine.
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And if you re expecting that, you re going to be disappointed.
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And it s an illogical kind of, again, covert contract where you don t speak your preferences, but you expect him to pick them up through osmosis because you re doing acts of service or whatever.
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Yeah, exactly.
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I always say that everybody is always 50% of the equation, right?
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Like you can t control the other person or the guy, so to speak.
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All you can do is look at you and how you can change the result.
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And that s what s exciting about this stuff.
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And there s really some simple things that you would think are like on a scale, not that big, but they are.
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And if you do these little things, you ll see, you know, your relationships and the results will change.
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When we were talking before the show, you had mentioned that a lot of times people that you work with complain, why are all men jerks?
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Why are they all narcissists?
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Where does that come from?
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Is that directly related to what we re talking about right now?
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It completely is.
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Okay, so here s the problem that like women will come to me, they ll say, No, all these guys out there, they re all narcissists.
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They re all men, children, there are no good guys out there.
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And then when I dig a little deeper, come to find that they are doing things like the over caretaking, not setting boundaries,
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that actually attracts them.
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So they re becoming almost narcissist magnets.
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And I believe and I even wrote an article on this in the Huffington Post on behalf of Articharm, by the way, about how like narcissists busters from the minute you say hello, like you really can if you if you look for it can detect a narcissist.
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And once you start changing things, they actually won t even like you.
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That s what s funny about it.
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I had a friend who she was a complete narcissist magnet.
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and I was out with her one day and you know this guy came in and he was the typical he looked great he kind of wooed her he was talking in stories and just it was all about him and he went to the bathroom and she turned to me and she said oh my god Kim he s so cute isn t he great
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I m like, well, what s so great about him?
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And she s like, well, he s so charming.
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He s so charismatic.
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I love how he looks.
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I m like, that s great.
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But how are you feeling with him?
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And moreover, what does he know about you?
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And she just kind of went blank.
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And she realized at that moment that she shared nothing about herself.
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She sat there and was a great audience for him.
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So of course, he s gonna like that.
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I said, I ll tell you what, when he comes back, I want you to start sharing something about yourself.
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See if he s listening to you.
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So she s like, okay.
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sure enough comes back, she starts telling a little bit about herself.
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And he s like looking all over the place.
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He s looking at his watch.
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He starts talking to the bartender.
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It was like the typical narcissist behavior.
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And again, that was within like five minutes, I detected it and she didn t because she was so
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so used to it, so that s what I mean.
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From the minute you say hello to somebody, there are things you can do.
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Wow, and so is that a pretty common pattern that you see, not just among women, but among guys with this particular, I hate to say disorder, because that s pretty dramatic and also kind of unqualified, but with this particular set of behavioral traits, where they ll talk about themselves to no end, and you re like, wow, this is really interesting, or somebody who doesn t screen for narcissists subconsciously is going, this guy never shuts up,
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so boring and self-centered, whereas somebody who s a perfect quote-unquote fit for them, who s gonna be in a miserable relationship one after the other with the same type of guy, is gonna put up with that.
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Meanwhile, if we just sort of ask ourselves, wow, he hasn t asked me anything, I m really just playing one part of the audience in this conversation.
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I guess what I m asking is, how can women screen for narcissists like this?
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Okay, so I have four tips that you can really like try when you re out there.
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Okay, the first thing is set boundaries.
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And we ll talk more about this a little later.
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But, you know, when you declare your needs and your wants, and let them know, you know, what you like, what you dislike, and then see how he responds to you, you re setting a precedent right there.
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So, like,
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Does he respect that you re cold when you re out on a date and you re sitting in a place where there s a draft?
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And does he move for you?
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Or does he just kind of ignore you?
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But if you don t say you re cold, and you just sit there and you just make sure that he s comfortable, again, you re already setting a precedent that his needs are greater than yours.
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Okay, so that s one set boundaries to look for reciprocity.
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So narcissists are really good at being charming.
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They tell
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stories.
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It s like when you re like meeting these guys out on dates or out and about observe if they are just interested in you and your stories, or just him.
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And so the minute you start talking about yourself, again, yeah, is his eyes all over the place?
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Is he not even focused on you?
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Does he turn the conversation back into his story?
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Classic.
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Number three,
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Don t give it all away.
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Don t give away your personal value by doing too much too soon too fast, like the narcissist will eat it up.
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They re looking for an audience.
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You know, narcissists typically, and this is from a psychological standpoint, they re empty.
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And so they re looking for external things to fill themselves up, even though they re an empty bucket, and it ll never be fulfilled.
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you know, are you always playing therapist?
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This is another thing that I see, too.
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Women who are therapists, nurses, caretakers, even like as jobs, they tend to date that way.
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Oh, that s interesting.
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Yeah, I know I was guilty of that when I first got out there because, you know, again, I was a therapist.
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And I was married to a narcissist, I will totally admit it.
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So I know this firsthand.
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And I found myself doing that, you know, just kind of listening and almost being like a therapist rather than a sexy, fun, playful date.
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So again, don t give it all away.
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And number four,
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Test if the words get put in action, like does the person you are attracted to mean what he says and says what he means?
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So narcissists love to talk a good game, but is he actually like following through?
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SPEAKER_03
That s so interesting and I m squirming a little bit right now because a lot of this behavior, kind of liking the audience and all that stuff, I feel like not only does it apply to me a little bit, but it applies to a lot of people.
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So can we put the minds of many men listeners right now at ease?
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Because there has to be a degree to which this is normal and just sort of human and or you re an only child.
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Or you re like you re just a full-blown narcissist because I don t have dysfunctional relationships because of that But I do know that man when somebody s asking me about myself I like to talk and I like to get excited and I love telling stories and you know But of course if someone s like I m cold if Jen s you know, I m freezing and I don t like it here I m not like so where do we draw the line between?
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okay, this is normal human behavior, or this is a guy who maybe isn t used to being in a relationship, because I think somebody who s been single for a while might not even think about, oh, I ve gotta be really attuned to her on this level, and this level, and this level, because they re inexperienced, or they re young.
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Absolutely.
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Yeah, no, I m glad you asked that because obviously, we re talking in generalities.
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And like anything, it s the amount of severity of each of these qualities that I was talking about and how it gets played out, you know, sure, age, experience, maturity, birth order, family of origin issues, those all kind of come into play when it comes to
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being clinically diagnosed as a narcissist, right?
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But what I m saying is that if there s a pattern, especially for the women, and they re finding themselves always in relationships with men who are cheaters, gamblers,
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non committed guys, you know, things that have like a pattern to them, where there s traits that are similar.
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That s what you have to take a look at.
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And again, like, they come in different disguises, you know, Jordan, just because you talk about your story, when Jen shares hers, that doesn t make you a narcissist, right?
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Like, it s more about,
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If you always talked about yourself all the time, and then when Jen kind of states her needs or wants and stories, you re like not even in the same room.
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And you don t even remember what she says.
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There s a lot of things that honestly, this could be like five different shows, because we could really tease each of these things apart.
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So it s a question of severity, and the reason I was so careful to ask that is whenever I do shows about this type of thing, I ll inevitably get email from guys who are listening who say things like, oh my god, this is me, and I m like, no, the fact that you sent me this email and you re worried about all these little things that you think you can do better is purely illustrative of the fact that this is probably not you.
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Because the narcissist goes, so, or goes, I don t do that.
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I m perfect.
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Exactly.
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I was just going to say, you know what?
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If a guy is writing in worried about some of the traits himself, then he s not a narcissist.
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Like that s exactly my point is that a narcissist, a true narcissist doesn t even see his own behaviors and blames everybody else for his troubles or challenges.
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And that was the other thing I was going to say.
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The other kind of classic thing is that they really don t have empathy.
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They may say they have empathy and they can like talk about it because they know how to like manipulate.
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But when it comes to truly understanding people s feelings, they don t get it.
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And so, yeah, you won t even have the narcissist writing in is my point.
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Yeah, that s a good distinction, and I wanted to make it, I wanted to be really clear for both the guys and gals listening to this, that if you re finding yourself overly worried about this and you re examining all your relationships right now to find out if you re a narcissist, it s a good sign that you re not.
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Exactly, and because narcissists don t seek out help either, so I don t honestly think they d even be listening to the show.
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It s hard to say.
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No, I don t want to get off on too much of a narcissist tangent, but it is useful.
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I have a friend, a female friend, whose father actually is just clearly a narcissist, and it doesn t even occur to him to be involved in their lives.
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She ll have a birthday, and he ll go to the bargain bin in some super low-end store and pick out something that probably is appropriate for a 17-year-old girl in high school.
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My friend s like 34, 35.
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Actually, she might even be older than that, and he ll mail it to her in like a padded envelope and be like, happy birthday, and it s like a week late.
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Right, that s so classic, yeah.
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And she ll go, you know what though?
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This is the first birthday present I ve gotten in eight years.
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And I m like, holy crap.
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Granted, there are probably different degrees of this, but this is somebody who s completely self-absorbed.
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Anyway, so a lot of man children are still out there, and that s maybe to be separated from narcissism, guys who just can t really wrap their mind around the fact that there s somebody else in the relationship whose job it isn t to totally cater to their needs and their needs alone.
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Yeah, you know, I wanted to make a distinction between the man children and the narcissist.
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I mean, a lot of the traits are similar yet a tad different.
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I see the man children and I m sure a lot of listeners out there can relate are the ones just never grow up.
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it s the ones where the women find themselves taking care of them emotionally, financially, and physically, so that they have maybe great qualities, they re really fun, and maybe they re musicians or artists, and they re just they re fantastic guys.
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but then they re just always, they re needy and they need to be taken care of and they just haven t grown up, so to speak.
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And so what happens is that these two men attract the over caretakers and the over caretakers are attracted to them.
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Why?
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Because, well, there s a lot of deeper seated issues.
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I don t know if we want to get into in the show, but because usually caretakers and women who are like kind of have it all and they re used to doing it all,
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they are attracted to this kind of childlike, charismatic behavior, because it kind of whoops them off their feet, so to speak.
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Well, also, they re probably the only women who are willing to put up with that crap, too.
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SPEAKER_01
Exactly.
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Right, because somebody normal is going to be like, you re kidding me.
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You re unemployed and you just bought an Xbox with your food money, so you re hungry?
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You re such a loser, I m out of here.
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Whereas somebody who s got an uber caretaker mode is like, oh good, I m needed.
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SPEAKER_02
Right.
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SPEAKER_01
Hey, exactly.
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I was coaching this client.
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And so this is kind of a classic thing of how family patterns tie into this attraction piece.
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Because I always do like a little bit of a family history when I coach just to get a background to connect the dots not to stay there like, you know, like a Woody Allen on the couch, but to more say, Okay, so here s where it comes from.
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Now, what do we do about it?
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So
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She was saying that her dad was a full-blown narcissist.
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He was never around, never emotionally or physically available, and it was pretty much her and mom growing up.
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And mom actually just was kind of incapable herself, where she found herself in the role of mothering her mom.
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So who, fast forward, is she getting attracted to, but narcissists and man children, ones where she can feel needed or trying to get attention of the father that she didn t get attention from.
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So again, it s not to dwell on it or woe is me, but it s like, oh my God, that s like cool that we found the connection there.
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but then what do we do about it?
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And so that s when teaching people how to set the boundaries, right, like what I was saying before, from the minute you say hello, and also doing more work on yourself so that you see yourself as valuable.
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That s another trait that I see a lot of times is that women tend to think everyone else is more important than themselves.
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Let me tell you, you are the most important person in the world.
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Thank you.
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I know, fucking finally someone realizes it.
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Anyway.
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Oh, sorry.
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Not you, Jordan.
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Maybe you are a narcissist.
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Oh my God, I didn t realize that.
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God, I should have listened to the rest of that sentence, but I just wasn t, I zoned out, sorry.
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Right, because you just heard you re the best.
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Because I m a narcissist, right.
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No, I think that s very true, but that, again, kind of goes to my earlier point where that s true even if you re healthy.
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Actually, it s especially true if you re healthy.
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It s just a matter of degree, but for people who are attracted to these narcissists and these other types of people, I think maybe you re right.
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Maybe they don t actually believe that, that they believe that the other is the most important person, and thus they need to sort of sacrifice themselves for that.
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No, it s true.
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Because like, I ll do an exercise where I have people list their strengths in various areas.
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And I find that the women, these kind of women have an extremely difficult time doing that exercise coming up with just three things they like about themselves in different areas of their life.
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And so that says to me, I m like, you don t even see your self worth and how awesome you are.
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Like I see it, other people see it, but you don t.
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And it s not until you do till others will.
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And that s when you re going to attract kind of like the more healthy partner where there s more reciprocity.
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But it s, it s you that has to believe it before others.
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Okay.
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So I have a question.
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How do you differentiate between an egomaniac and a narcissist or are they basically the same?
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Well, I think people use it interchangeably, like narcissist, obviously, is, if you look in the DSM for for diagnosis, you re going to see that you re not going to see it ego, egocentric guy in the DSM.
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But I think that there are people who are self serving, but are not narcissist, right?
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Like, maybe they re just kind of self involved, but they can still have empathy and have healthy relationships, but maybe they get caught up in, you
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in work or in their different situations in their lives.
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I think that s the distinction.
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A true narcissist truly cannot come out of it.
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Like it s just, you know, in fact, a lot of therapists say that they re not even treatable in therapy, that they respond more to like behavior therapy, consequences, rewards, that kind of thing.
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But when it comes to truly like getting out of that, it s extremely difficult.
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I wanna talk about setting boundaries.
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If we find ourselves, especially the women who are listening to this, find themselves in situations where they are being taken advantage of for being too nice, et cetera, how do we set those boundaries?
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Because that s one of those things, this is one of those tips where your friends give it to you and you read about it in books and you re like, yeah, I m gonna set boundaries, and then something comes along and you re like, I m not setting a boundary here, it s scary.
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Exactly.
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Okay.
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So I have like three exercises that I will share with all of you that I do with a lot of my clients and it can be really impactful.
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So this sounds so simple, yet I think it s so difficult at times when you really look at using it is really just say no.
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And what I mean by that, if like a friend wants to go out with you and really don t feel like it, say no.
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I know this sounds so simple, and maybe like dumb to some people, but people who are over caretakers will might say, you know what, my friend really wants to go out.
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I don t get to see her a lot.
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She really wants to I ll go instead of like digging deep and saying, you know what, I don t feel like going out.
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I want to stay in I have a lot of stuff to do.
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And I m going to set the boundary and say, you know that I will go out with her Friday if she s able to.
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personally, I had a good friend, this was a classic example of setting a boundary.
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She kept wanting to go out.
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Okay, and it was fine.
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And I loved it.
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But every time we would make a plan, she would cancel last minute, it drove me crazy.
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So I finally said to her, I said, You know what, I am not gonna go out, you know, in the future, if this keeps happening.
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So she s like, Oh, no, no, no.
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And she excused it.
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And then
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She did it again.
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So then I said, I am not going to go out the next time that we have plans.
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I m going to actually only go out if I have some time available.
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You know, spontaneously, I will no longer plan anything with you.
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And the important thing is actually following through with your actions.
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So sure enough, she tried it again.
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And I said no.
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And she was really upset with me.
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She didn t get it because she was so used to me not saying no.
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But I trained her.
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And you know what, to this day, she is so thankful when she can go out with me, because no longer will I make plans with her.
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It s just literally when I can.
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So those are like simple ways that you could do that.
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Does that make sense?
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It does, yeah, and I wanna sort of dig in even more because what happens when it s hard?
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I mean, it s easy to go, just say no, but how do we build that as a habit that sticks and starts small, even when we fear losing someone?
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Because it s all fine and good to say, well, I m not going out with that girlfriend of mine who cancels last minute, but what if you re setting a boundary to a guy that you live with who s, you think,
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he might leave you and it s gonna leave you alone forever and you re catastrophizing in your head about how you re gonna be alone and no one s gonna love you.
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I mean, that s a lot harder.
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The stakes are higher.
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The stakes are higher, but then you also have to assess that relationship, that if a guy isn t responding to that and respects your feelings, your desires, and your wants, it s exactly what we were talking about in the beginning.
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then you need to look at the relationship.
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And if it s too scary, then you need to do some work or call me around that to help you get there.
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Because that s the thing that s so interesting.
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And I tell women all the time, you know, I m going to give you a little bit of a warning as you start setting boundaries and saying no, you re going to start losing friendships, you may have people not like it.
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And that s okay and it s actually good because you re weeding out a lot of the unhealthy or maybe codependent relationships that you created in the first place.
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So a lot of times it s a time for kind of recalibrating and looking and assessing your relationships currently.
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and taking care of that.
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Because as you get healthy and setting boundaries, your friendships will change.
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And the people who respect you will love that you re setting the boundary.
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And the people who don t, then you have to look at that relationship and what it s costing you and how healthy it is.
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Great, good, okay.
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What about when we re trying to communicate things to our partner as well?
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I mean, it seems like these things can start fights a lot.
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A lot of guys especially are gonna get defensive about it because we already kind of maybe know that we re not that great at it.
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Our gut reaction is to get defensive, or the way we were raised, who the hell knows.
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What are some good, easy, sort of non-confrontational ways that we can give feedback to our partners?
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Yeah, this is great.
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So I have a formula that I call an I statement.
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And what that is, is, you know, a lot of times when we get angry, and we re trying to communicate our feelings, we use you statements like you make me so mad.
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Right?
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SPEAKER_00
Well, what does that do?
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When I say that usually, you know, kind of puts the other person on defensive, like I told you, Jordan, like, you make me so mad.
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You re 15 minutes late for this podcast.
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Which is true, by the way.
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Right, but how does that feel when I say that?
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I don t like it, how dare you?
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Right, right, how dare you?
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So you wanna like lash back at me.
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Always.
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I statement is this, you say I feel, and then you state your feeling, and then the next part is when, and then you state the behavior, and then you say I would love it in the future if, and then you teach people how you wanna be treated in the future.
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So in that example with Jordan I d say,
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I feel really frustrated when you pushed our podcast 15 minutes later, I would love it in the future if you could give me more heads up like an hour before, because no one can first of all get angry at your feelings, you re just stating your feelings.
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And you re also teaching people how to treat you in the future.
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So again, it s a boundary
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almost teaching for your partner.
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I love the three parts of the statement.
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If you break it down, you re looking at the feeling, the behavior and your future desire.
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So it s really effective and people who practice it, it sounds weird in the beginning.
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But after a while, it becomes part of your vocabulary.
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People have gotten amazing results from it just using the statement.
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Well, good.
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Because the thing is, you can t really argue with someone s feelings, right?
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SPEAKER_01
Right.
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Because I can t say, you don t feel that way when I do this.
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You wouldn t love it in the future if this, but if you say, you make me so mad, I can be like, well, I got shit to do.
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Yeah, exactly.
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You re not the most important thing in my day.
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How dare you?
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or you might bring up shit from the past.
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Like, well, you were late the other day, and then we re getting in this, like, stupid argument.
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That s a rule, actually, that I made with Jen.
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I think I ve talked about this before, but we took breaking up off the table.
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Does this sound familiar?
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You can t just be like, well, we re breaking up because we re mad at each other.
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Couldn t do that.
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We talked about that, like, the first couple weeks that we started dating.
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And the other thing was you can t bring up stuff from the past unless it s actually relevant.
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So if someone s late, you can t say, well, you were late the other day.
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But if someone s mad at you for doing something that you legitimately didn t know was wrong, that they ve been doing, you can say, oh, I thought that was cool, because you ve done it in the past, instead of just bringing up a totally unrelated event where the person also made you angry.
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That s awesome.
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I love that because see, you re also setting like a precedent and almost like a contract between the two of you before shit happens, so to speak.
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Never do this stuff, you know, when you re angry and negotiate it.
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No, it doesn t like do it when you re calm.
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Yeah, you can t be all, you can t bring up a past event that s totally irrelevant to the way I currently feel.
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They re gonna be like, wait, what?
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I m arguing with you, you can t make rules.
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But the thing is, I know what people are thinking, oh, that must go out the window the second you start fighting about something.
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It kind of does, but in the moment, first of all, you last a little bit longer without doing it, because you know it s been invalidated beforehand, and you ve already agreed on it.
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So the first person to do it is totally breaking that rule, which nobody wants to be that person, because then they re more wrong than they were before.
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Yeah, right.
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And if you do, you kind of know that what you said is BS, right?
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Like, well, you were late yesterday, and then you immediately go, okay, I m being a total child right now, and I m clearly wrong if I had to go down that road, so maybe I should just take a look at my behavior.
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You have this instant where you go, okay, now I m grasping at straws.
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See, you re not a narcissist.
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You re able to actually look at your behavior, Jordan.
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That s awesome.
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Well, that s why I have this entire program.
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Exactly, exactly.
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And last but not least, how do we treat ourselves well if we re not used to doing that?
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Yeah, so this is another exercise that I do for boundary setting and that is I have women list at least three to five ways that they can pamper themselves to take care of themselves.
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It s kind of like the metaphor I use a lot.
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If you re the pitcher of water and you have all these glasses to fill, what good is your pitcher if your pitcher is empty?
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you re doing nobody any good by filling empty glasses.
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So if you fill yourself up first, and you do things for yourself, you have more energy to give to others and others will actually enjoy receiving from you more.
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ironically, that s what s interesting about all this.
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So what does that mean?
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It s not just getting your nails done, although that s a great, you know, massages, going shopping.
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But if that s something you always do, maybe that s not being used in a pampering way.
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I m talking about things that maybe you secretly desire that would like to do for yourself but never have.
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It could be internally and it could be
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externally.
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So it could be the massage, it could be going to exercise, I actually had people put out like a schedule for themselves so that an hour a day, they re doing something for themselves.
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It could just be meditation, it could be not talking on the phone, if you re somebody who s always like talking to others and helping others, you know, so anytime that you can put in time for yourself is what I call pampering.
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Perfect.
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And how do we stop this from becoming a crutch?
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Where we find ourselves going shopping every single day because our life sucks.
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But again, it goes back to, you know, balance.
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And if you re doing something to an extreme, it s just like the narcissist thing we talk about, that s when it s unhealthy.
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So if a habit becomes an obsession, where you can t live without it, then obviously, that s not pampering, that s doing something outside yourself, where you re almost forgetting, you know, what you re doing to be healthy in the first place.
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So it s not a replacement by any means.
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It s a way to create balance in your life.
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And, you know, give yourself something.
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And again, I m speaking to the over caretakers, because people who aren t over caretakers may not need this as much.
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But like these little things actually are a lot for them.
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So I m just I encourage all of you and especially as women to do some good things for yourself.
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Great, thanks so much, Kim.
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This is really great.
3
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And of course, if anybody s interested in coaching with you, we can set up a connection between you and them.
3
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And also, we re gonna look forward to more episodes with you here, teaching the AOC sisters how to maximize their dating and relationships.
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So thank you.
3
SPEAKER_00
You re welcome.
3
SPEAKER_00
I love that AOC sisters.
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That s awesome.
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I know I just kind of coined that recently But I feel like a lot of the women that write in write in all the time And so I feel like I know them pretty well Actually, and they certainly know me really well from listening to all the things that are going on in my life So I actually bounce stuff off of them.
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Sometimes I ll be like, hey, what do you think of this?
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And it s somebody I ve never met and
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my life, but they write me all of the time.
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So they re actually in a pretty good position to give me a little bit of female advice here and there.
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So it s kind of cool.
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SPEAKER_00
It s awesome.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I know when I talk to your women that they love your show and they do find a lot of the things you re talking about to men relevant to them.
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So I m just super happy that I can kind of help with some of these women issues.
3
SPEAKER_01
Excellent.
3
SPEAKER_01
I m really stoked, Jason, doing this female toolbox.
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I think it s really interesting, because you re right, at first I was like, oh no, I don t want to...
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cater to one sort of segment of the audience at the risk of alienating another, but I think there s so much to be gained here by everyone involved that these are sort of mandatory must listens for men and women.
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I can t agree more.
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You know, I ve lived with women for 15 years, and the one thing that I ve learned is we are more similar than we are dissimilar.
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So listening to these episodes really is enlightening, I think, for a lot of guys.
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especially cracking the narcissist code.
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I mean, there s plenty of female narcissists that you ll find in the dating market, and setting boundaries is something that both genders struggle with abso-freaking-lutely.
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So, I enjoy this one.
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And if you enjoyed this one, don t forget to thank Kim on Twitter.
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We ll have that linked in the show notes, as well as any resources mentioned on the show.
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You can tap our album art in most mobile podcast players to see the show notes right on your phone.
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I also post tons of stuff on Twitter that never makes it to the show, so you can check that out.
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I m at The Art of Charm on Twitter.
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Subscribe on iTunes, write us a review.
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Special thanks to the Jasons and to Fogarty for their help in production of The Art of Charm podcast.
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Now have a great week and leave everything and everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to The Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.