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All right, it is time for Fan Mail Fridays.
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I m your host, AJ Harbinger, sitting in for Jordan.
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And I m here with producer Jason DeFilippo.
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And we ll be answering your questions and dropping some knowledge slash feedback to help you kick the weekend off right.
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Now, if you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, this isn t a great place to start.
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Most of our content is a lot more in depth and longer format.
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So check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best.
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or Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox, and we ll send all of this to your inbox if you text CHARMED, C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444.
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There we ve got the fundamentals of body language and nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, etc., and everything else we teach here at The Art of Charm.
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All right, let s cut to it.
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Hey Jordan and the art of charm team.
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Sorry for my English.
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I m not a native speaker.
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I ve been listening to your podcast for several months and I find it amazing.
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Thank you very much for your hard work delivering such high quality podcasts.
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I improved my social skills listening to the toolbox episode and my favorite one is the vocal tonality episode.
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I started speaking in a more dominant way and I became more relaxed and confident.
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People at work started noticing that I changed and it became easier for me to communicate with them.
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However, a few days ago, something awful happened to me.
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I was chosen to present a product our team was working on.
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I always hated public speaking, but I thought since I became more confident, I won t have problems this time.
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I was very naive.
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I failed.
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It was horrible.
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I was so nervous, and all of a sudden I started stuttering.
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I couldn t calm down during the whole presentation.
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I saw how disappointed my boss and my colleagues were, and it felt like physical pain.
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After that, I lost my confidence.
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I can t walk with a straight back anymore or concentrate on speaking and acting with confidence.
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I m afraid to look my colleagues in the eye and I don t know what to do.
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I even thought about getting a job somewhere else to get a fresh start.
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Please give me some advice.
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Sincerely, Fallen. 
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This is a great question, Fallen, and I can tell you for a fact that Jordan and I ourselves have struggled with presentations.
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Presentations are a social skill that needs to be trained, first and foremost, so don t beat yourself up that you had a rough go.
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Whenever we re in front of an audience, it s very easy to get nervous and certainly easy to stutter and make mistakes.
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It happens to the best of us, and I know that Jordan and I bombed a few presentations before we decided to seek out coaching ourselves.
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Now, one of the things we talk about here at The Art of Charm is the importance of coaching.
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looking at those areas of weakness in our life and looking to experts to help us strengthen them.
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I know that Jordan and I have taken lots of different training on presentations, some of it good, some of it not so good.
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But if you aren t ready to go the training route, the easiest thing to do is sign up for Toastmasters.
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Now this is found throughout the world in various cities and what they do is they offer an opportunity for you to give presentations to a group of like-minded individuals who are looking to improve their presentation skills and this is a great opportunity not only to meet people but get feedback from experts as well as other people who are struggling with presentations just like yourself.
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Now, another thing that Jordan and I did very early on with our presentations was ask our friends slash significant others to watch us as we practice.
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Presentations are all about preparation.
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From what we ve learned, it takes about three times the preparation to nail a presentation.
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So if you went into that presentation unprepared, you re setting yourself up for failure.
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So practicing and getting feedback from people in the room can help you really perfect that presentation.
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Now, another great way, if you don t have friends or significant others that want to sit through your boring presentation, I definitely understand.
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I myself was giving lots of science presentations in graduate school, and I couldn t find any of my friends that wanted to listen to me drone on about cancer biology.
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So what we did is we set up a video camera and we recorded our presentation.
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And then, just like a football game, we broke down that tape and looked at it.
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What were we doing well and where were there some weaknesses?
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What were some areas of our presentation that we wanted to polish?
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Again, all good presentations involve lots of preparation.
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Some of the best people at presenting will always tell you, you want to prepare early and you want to make sure that you re not waiting to the last minute right before that presentation to prep.
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So sign up for Toastmasters, ask some friends for some feedback and worst case, record yourself and you ll be ready to go on that next presentation.
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Hey guys, I m a huge fan of the show and really appreciate the content you guys put out.
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As I m fond of joking, my relationship status has recently changed from married to school to it s complicated.
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And I had set out this year to rectify that and try to get out there and date more.
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I came across an amazing girl who I really enjoy spending time with and we started talking.
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However, because I m graduating in May and may move to Taiwan, I gave her a heads up.
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I didn t want to lead her on, and I told her I d be gone soon and I didn t know if she wanted to spend her time talking to a guy who may be leaving town.
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We had a good conversation about it and agreed to take it day by day for the time being.
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After I told her that, our interactions and dynamic have slowly changed over the past couple weeks.
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She s not as responsive to things, not as invested or interested in our conversations.
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I m not sure if I m just being boring or if I told her prematurely and she s ruminating over the fact that I m going to be gone and whether or not there s any point in taking this anywhere.
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I m at the point now where I miss our old interactions and would rather just cut it off and be friends than deal with the change.
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What do you think?
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Did I tell her too soon?
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Should I should I have told her at all?
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This is something I really struggle with as I don t date willy nilly and really like her.
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So I wanted to be completely honest and upfront.
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Thanks, Josh.
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Well, first off, congratulations on the move to Taiwan, Josh.
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I know Jordan loves it.
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It definitely rocks and you re going to have a lot of fun moving there.
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Now, the one thing that I want to tell you right off the bat is she s probably not trying to get too attached.
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It s good that you were open and honest with her about your move and letting her know ahead of time that she might not want to invest in a relationship if you re moving across the world.
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Honesty is always very important in situations like this, and you did handle it correctly.
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Can you blame her for not wanting to emotionally invest with someone moving halfway around the world?
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I certainly can.
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Long-distance relationships are tough.
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I myself was in one recently for over a year, and it was very difficult, and we were in the same country.
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You re talking time zones.
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It s going to be very difficult, especially at this initial start of the relationship.
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so you can t blame her for taking her time and making sure that she is ready before investing in you.
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Now, for the record, keep stating your intentions with honesty and you will win more than you lose.
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That is one of the principles that we talk about at the Art of Charm Bootcamp and on the podcast.
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You can never go wrong with honesty and being open with people that you re looking to start relationships with or deepen relationships with will definitely help you improve and strengthen those relationships.
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Now, have a blast in Taiwan and make sure you check out our moving to a new town episode.
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That is episode 400.
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In that episode, Johnny, Jordan and I talk about exactly what we did as we ve moved around the country to various locations to build a new social group in those cities and allow us to have a lot of fun along the way.
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I know it can be intimidating, especially moving to a new country.
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And that episode covers not only the basics, but some of our advanced tips to really connecting with people in that new location.
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I have a question.
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Whether it s trouble at home or a workplace dilemma, the coaches will help you find a winning formula for success.
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You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
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Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
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That s why you need Kajabi.
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You don t even need a huge audience to make sustainable income.
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There are thousands of creators on Kajabi making six and seven figures with less than 50,000 followers.
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Right now, Kajabi is offering a free 30-day trial to start your business if you go to kajabi.com slash charm.
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That s K-A-J-A-B-I dot com slash charm.
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Go to kajabi.com slash charm and join the creators and entrepreneurs who have made over seven billion dollars.
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I ve rocked long hair since the early 2000s.
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I keep myself well-groomed, and I think I dress well, but I get the feeling that at my age, 31, folks tend to look sideways at a long-haired dude.
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I tend to quote-unquote bluff and bluster through it when the subject arises, but telling people more or less to F off every so often really sucks.
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Also, if I show up with short hair out of nowhere, I ll have a whole new gauntlet to run.
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I don t want to cut my hair.
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It s comfortable, and I like the way it looks.
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Is this just an insecurity or comfort zone thing, or should I consider a different style?
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Be well, Jim.
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Thank you, Jim.
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This is a great question that a lot of guys who come through our bootcamp ask us.
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How do we keep our personality when the people around us are negative and have strong opinions about the way we look or present ourselves?
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First off, we need to move past what other people think about us and focus on what truly makes us happy.
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You say you love rocking the long hair and sometimes folks get under your skin.
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It s very important that you don t take it too seriously.
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Turn it around into a joke instead of something that you get defensive about.
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i.e., oh, I m a romance novel model, and move on.
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You don t need to talk to the person about why you chose to grow out your hair, and you certainly don t need to allow it to get under your skin.
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That is very low-value behavior.
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Third, these are insecurities we tackle in our week-long program.
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We all have these cognitive distortions that keep us from feeling happy and comfortable in our own skin.
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Personally, I know tons of people in LA that rock long hair and get positive responses.
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Don t sweat the small people that have issues with your appearance.
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At the end of the day, you re doing you, and sometimes, as we say on our program, you re serving pizza and they want Chinese.
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It s not a problem.
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Move on and continue to rock it with style.
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Hello!
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I m having trouble coming up with a caring way to tell my girlfriend that I don t find the way she dresses attractive.
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It s not that she s wearing baggy clothes and has her hair in a bun every day, but over the last year, she s basically defaulted to one outfit at all times.
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Since we began dating, she really doesn t seem to have a sense of how to dress for certain occasions, and now she has no desire to wear anything but grey.
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I m not saying I want her to wear anything scantily clad, but I ve noticed that her not dressing well has affected my overall attraction to her.
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Is that shallow?
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Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Keep up the good work, Jason.
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Jason, I certainly don t think it s shallow.
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I think whenever we have a significant other or someone we re in a relationship with that we d like to see improve, we have to participate in that improvement.
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One of the best things you could do here is take a trip to the mall and play personal stylist for each other.
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First, start by suggesting ridiculous items that neither of you would ever wear.
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Make it fun.
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Go to the dressing room, take some silly photos, trying on various items that you wouldn t be caught dead in.
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Then, throw out a couple options that actually appeal to you and compliment her genuinely about her appearance.
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Sometimes when we re in long-term relationships, those compliments go out the window and our significant other doesn t feel good about themselves because we aren t showing as much attention as we did at the start of the relationships.
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We forget the power of a compliment.
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By showing increased interest in her new hot outfit, she might see a new side of you that propels her to change her appearance without making it awkward.
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That is how I would handle improving your partner s dress.
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I started listening to the AOC podcast after looking online for relationship advice.
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My now ex-girlfriend discovered some chat logs of an emotional affair with a co-worker I had while we were together, as well as some racy pics from old flings.
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I don t consider myself a player, and I m going to counseling to figure out my issues, but I m also seeing that she was the real deal, and I want to try and work things out.
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Is this even possible?
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I understand my mistakes, and I want to earn her trust once again, but I also know I hurt her greatly, and she deserves the chance to heal.
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Many thanks.
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Putting it back together.
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Great question, putting it back together.
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This is a true moment for self-reflection and healing.
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It s not time to make it up to her.
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By emotionally cheating on her, she lost trust in you, and that takes time and space to heal.
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Now, this is a big red flag and tells me that subconsciously you were losing attraction or interest for her.
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As you started to emotionally cheat on her, you are withdrawing from the relationship, and that is going to lead to resentment.
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Now, personally, I would look at your previous relationships and see if this is a pattern.
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If so, see a therapist or counselor to help you work through your issues without involving her any longer.
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Give her the time and space to get through the issues that she s having and allow yourself to grapple with what s gone on in these previous relationships.
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I wanted to bring up something that I ve heard Jordan say in multiple interviews.
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Not everyone is hardwired to be an entrepreneur.
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I found this very interesting because while this goes against the vast majority of self-help and motivational content currently on the market, I ve always intuitively found this to be true as well.
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I m exposed to several different businesses daily in my line of work and come across vastly different personalities.
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It s easy to see why success comes easier to some more than others.
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Personally, I ve always dreamed of starting a business, but I m afraid I may not match up personality-wise.
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I typically score very high in introversion and neuroticism on tests and have the tendency to get frazzled in certain social and pressure situations.
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I m working hard to change this, but still, I find it difficult to accept that what I can and can t do in this life may be predetermined by my God-given genetic makeup.
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Is there a way to change or reprogram one s hardwiring?
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This is a topic that I m extremely interested in and would love to hear your thoughts on hardwired traits and their influence on success in business and life.
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Thank you guys for all that you do.
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Dave.
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People that are hardwired for success do not find starting a business to feel like work.
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When Jordan and I started the podcast, we were thinking about it constantly.
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We never looked at it as a job.
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It was something that honestly kept us up at night.
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That s what he means by hardwired.
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Instead, we were energized by the excitement and the learning process.
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The easiest way to find out if you re hardwired is to start spending a few weeks putting together a business idea.
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Now, if you are truly frazzled in social situations, a boot camp here at The Art of Charm is a great place to learn the advanced social skills necessary to persevere and take your business idea to fruition.
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We work with entrepreneurs from all over the world who struggle socially but know the importance of building a team and having connections to that business success.
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It s okay, we all go through those moments.
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I know for myself, I used to be a little bit more introverted, but I learned the skills to compensate for my introversion and now I have a lot of fun when I m meeting other entrepreneurs.
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I know you say you re working hard to change these things, but we want to make it easy.
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This should not be a second job.
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Set smaller goals for yourself, whether it s going out a few times a week and just saying hello to people.
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By slowly working on building your social skills like you would any muscle, you re going to see the process is a lot easier than you think.
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We would never run straight into a gym and load the bench with all the weight before we had ever lifted.
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It s the same thing with social skills.
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Those of us who are trying to strengthen our social skills need to make it easy by setting small attainable goals and checking in each week to make sure that you re making progress.
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That is how you will overcome this social anxiety and pressure that you feel.
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I hope you all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget to email us at friday at theartofcharm.com.
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Any questions you d like to appear on the show.
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And we ve got something new.
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Our friends at BurnerApp have set us up with a call-in line.
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So now, if you d like to leave us a voicemail or text us, you can do either at 415
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429-1915.
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Now, that s plus one for you international listeners.
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Once again, that s plus one, 415-429-1915.
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Now, don t forget to check out the Art of Charm Social Capital Challenge at theartofcharm.com slash challenge or text CHARMED, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D, to 33444.
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This is step-by-step to help you become better at making personal and professional connections.
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So if you struggle socially or networking, this challenge is great for you.
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You will become a better networker, increase your personal social capital and charisma, and it s for both guys and gals.
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So check it out at theartofcharm.com slash challenge or text CHARMED, C-H-A-R-M-E-D, 233444.
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More at theartofcharm.com.
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Now have a great weekend.
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Get out there and connect.
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And always leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to The Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.