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All right, time for Fan Mail Friday, where we re gonna answer your questions and drop some knowledge and give feedback to help you kick the weekend off right.
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, this isn t a great place to start.
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Most of our content is more in-depth and longer format, so check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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We ll send all of this to your inbox if you text charmed, that s charmed, to 33444.
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That s where we ve got the fundamentals of body language and nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, and everything else we teach here at The Art of Charm.
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First of all, I gotta say, we got thousands of replies to my last few emails, and I m gonna call in some reinforcements in terms of getting back to people on time, because I m like a month behind on email, given how much I have sitting in there.
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So, I still read everything.
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Don t worry.
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I m just gonna be siphoning some stuff to other folks and it s not gonna be somebody in the friggin Philippines or Vietnam.
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Native English speakers, members of the AOC team, working at HQ.
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So, if you don t hear from me for a while and or you hear from Patrick, Rob, or somebody else, Jen, they re just helping me out.
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It s not outsourced to random robots.
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I just want to let everybody know that.
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Alright, let s cut to it.
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Hey gun-shy, AOC teaches people that their time is the most valuable commodity.
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So this means you need to be selective about who you choose to spend it with.
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And from the sound of it, this person is not a good use of your time.
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She s probably going to flake on you again.
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But more to the point, why do you want to spend time with somebody who s already flaked on you and or made you second choice in the past?
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Put simply, your time is better used going to find a new person who won t flake on you than it is trying to get this flake to stop flaking, if that makes sense.
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So, unless you feel there s some undeniable, inseparable, insanely powerful connection at work here, and specifically one that s not just in your head or your pants, I d say you should just call it quits.
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And frankly, there isn t much here.
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You gotta move on.
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Never treat somebody as a priority when they re treating you as an option.
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In this case, she is treating you as an option, as a last choice.
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You are treating her as a priority.
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That will be your undoing.
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Hey Jordan, on the recent show with Dr. Rhonda Patrick, you made a clearly jokey comment about sunscreen being bad for you, but I was surprised to hear Dr. Patrick enthusiastically agree.
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There s a difficult trade-off between getting enough vitamin D while also not putting yourself at unnecessary risk for skin cancer.
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The UK s official health guideline agency spoke out about this just a few days ago using almost those exact words.
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For a health expert to ignore or underplay the risks of skin cancer seems irresponsible.
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Yeah, you know, I agree.
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I m open to the science on this.
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For me, it seems like supplementing with vitamin D is probably better for you than not wearing sunblock.
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First of all, vitamin D, you can get it with your fish oil, you can get it separately.
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Yeah, it may not be as good as the sun, but I don t know of that many people that have clinically been proven to die from lack of vitamin D.
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Tons of people get skin cancer and die or have serious, serious health complications.
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So if it comes down to it, I would say if you had to choose one over the other, definitely choose the vitamin D deficiency, which of course, like I said, you can supplement with supplements.
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So I m a little bit skeptical and I would like to check back with Dr. Rhonda Patrick and see if that s really what she meant or if she was joking and the delivery was just off.
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I think you re right, man.
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I think it s a good point to be made, and it does seem a little irresponsible if indeed that s what she meant.
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But I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I think we were both kind of just kidding on that one.
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So yes, always wear sunscreen.
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Hello, Jordan.
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I ve reached out before and I have continued to listen to the podcast and read your blogs.
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I have a couple of questions I would like to ask you.
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First off, I m struggling with my morning ritual.
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Do you have any tips for getting out of bed?
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Normally, I would have my alarm away from my bed so it forces me to get out of bed to turn it off, but I m in college, which means having a roommate.
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I feel like it s unfair to him to have my alarm going off for a couple of minutes before I get it turned off.
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Therefore, I set my alarm, hit snooze a couple times, finally get out of bed, and then stumble to my part-time job around seven.
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The days where I do wake up, I m brain dead and not productive.
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How can I snap out of this unproductive state and start being productive right away?
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Second, I noticed I waste a lot of time in transition.
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For example, I get to the library and for the first five minutes I spend it browsing social media and the internet.
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What advice do you have for jumping from one thing to another?
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Thirdly, so far I have taken actions to figure out who I am.
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Therapy, doing exercises in the pursuit of greatness for example.
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The biggest challenge I have is talking to other people about my personal growth problems.
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Asking questions about me like, how would people describe me, and ask someone what your top strengths and weaknesses are scare the crap out of me.
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Any tips on how to accomplish this?
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I m a person who sucks at building great friendships but just has friends.
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Fourthly, this is more of a request, but have you considered bringing a guest on the show who would talk about how to break habits?
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I m 21 and constantly bite my nails and pick my acne.
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I even do this in class and it s embarrassing.
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I hope this isn t too much.
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I didn t know who else to ask.
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Warmest, Kevin.
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Hey Kevin, look man, even I do some of this stuff when I m feeling anxious, have anxiety going through the roof.
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It gets worse when I have a lot to do and I can t focus.
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It s possible you ve got quote unquote adult ADHD, whether or not that s even a thing, the jury s still out.
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So here s what I m gonna say.
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Meditation.
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It helped me get through high school, it helped me get through law school, it helped me get through the day even now.
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And exercise.
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I know it sounds cliche, but that s going to burn off some of that nervous energy as well.
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So between meditation and exercise, you ll be a new man.
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I ve been there.
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Like I said, this is a voice of experience.
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Start there.
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And then if that doesn t help, you can try supplements, but stay away from medication.
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By supplements, I mean things like you can try, we use Lifted View sometimes from the show.
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That stuff helps, but stay away from medication.
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Medication, Adderall, this stuff is bad for you, it s habit-forming, and it s really hard on your system, in your heart especially.
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If you do go on it because nothing else works, you ve got to take the lowest dose the doctor will allow, and then get off of it on weekends, get off of it on school breaks once you re out of school.
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Now I want to be clear, I m not talking about antidepressants, I m not talking about
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Those types of medications, those you got to follow religiously what the doctor says.
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But with things like Adderall, it ll say, oh, take two pills twice a day.
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You don t have to do this.
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Use it like a weapon.
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And again, this is not medical advice.
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I am not a doctor.
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Go to your doctor.
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But chances are your doctor is not going to want to prescribe this stuff for you anyway, because it is terrible for you.
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Now, once you re on breaks, you re out of school, you re going to realize you don t really need this to do a lot of other things.
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The problem when you re on meds 24-7 is you don t actually solve the problem that the medication is masking.
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And it s kind of like what they say about females when they take birth control and mate selection and things like that.
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You re going to end up picking, if you re young especially, you re going to pick different jobs, you re going to pick things you don t like, you re going to pick different things that you don t really get to focus on without medication when you re on this stuff.
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Like if you re coding all day in a cubicle and you re like, wow, I can just plow through this, this is amazing.
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Once you don t have unlimited focus, medically induced focus, you might not like that.
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It might not be suitable for you.
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And this is the kind of decision you re going to have to make if you re a student or even if you re looking at a career transition.
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So be careful.
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You don t want to alter your brain, which alters your preferences because you re having trouble with X, Y, and Z. This could alter the course of your life.
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You got to be careful and you got to make decisions soberly.
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And that doesn t mean just without alcohol.
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Hey Jordan, summer is approaching and my family has a huge cookout every year.
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This has me thinking, when is the right time for me to bring my girlfriend with me to a family function?
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You obviously can t be bringing every woman that you date home to meet mom and dad, so when is the right time for that to happen?
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Signed, Getting Serious.
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Hey, serious, here s the thing.
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You ve already kind of hit upon the best way to introduce your family to your girl.
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At a large function like that, it s really perfect.
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It takes some of the pressure off the interaction because it s not like you re sitting mom and dad down for a formal introduction.
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Instead, she can casually get to know everyone in your family, even your weird uncles, as long as you keep an eye on things.
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And as far as how long you have to be together or whatever, that varies from one person to another.
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basically, and I know this is worthless, as far as advice is concerned, it s up to you to decide.
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But I will say this, you should probably trust yourself more than you seem to right now.
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And when the time is right, you re definitely going to know.
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And here s the one caveat, I will say, look at the reason you re doing this.
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And this goes for pretty much any behavior action, big step, what s the reason?
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Are you introducing her to your family?
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Because
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Your family wants you to get married and she wants you to take the relationship to the next level.
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And there s, is there external pressure?
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Do you think it s going to achieve some result?
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If so, don t do it.
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It s too soon.
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You probably don t need to do it.
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It s probably not really your choice at this point.
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You re, you re succumbing to pressure.
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If you re doing it because you talk about her all the time, your parents want to know who she is.
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They ve been encouraging you to bring her over.
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She, you know, doesn t necessarily care either way, or she s curious about your family, then yeah.
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It s a good time to do it.
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It s a good choice.
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The thing is, you just gotta be careful not to be like, okay, if I introduce her to my family, my mom will get off my back and she ll like me even more because she ll see things are going further.
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That s not a good reason to do it.
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So make sure your rationale behind it is good.
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Otherwise, yeah, who cares if it s too early or took too long.
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It s really not a big deal.
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The consequences of this are pretty minimal.
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Do you guys have any tips for when I m telling others that I m going to an AOC bootcamp?
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It s a little embarrassing, in my opinion, to need coaching for social skills.
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Nobody knows I was thinking about this bootcamp or even listening to the podcast.
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Thanks, Brian.
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Hey Brian, I get it, I get it.
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I understand it.
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It can be a little bit of a tricky situation, but as for telling others when you re signing up for Art of Charm or that you re signing up for Art of Charm, the fact that you don t want people to know you re working on yourself, it really is only an ego issue.
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You re just worried about what other people think about you, which is totally normal to a degree.
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However, now you re venturing into the territory of trying to manage and control what other people think about you.
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It s not only a waste of your time, but it s largely impossible.
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My advice to you is to start thinking about why you re so concerned about what other people think of you in the first place.
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And here s the deal.
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When we get special forces guys and stuff like that that come through, and we get high-end sales guys that come through, and we get military, and we get professionals, and we get married guys through here, really confident guys already that come through here, more mature guys, they never think about this.
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They don t care.
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They tell their wife, they tell their friends.
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People realize that successful people get training to make it to the next level.
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I get it though, this is a young guy, Brian s a younger dude.
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The fact is, your friends are probably making fun of you, you think they re going to make fun of you.
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That s not a winning mindset.
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Everybody s insecure, you re exhibiting the exact same thing, so you re afraid of what insecure people
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are going to think about your move to becoming more secure, your path.
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That s really, really ridiculous.
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It s kind of like asking a bunch of broke people how you should run your business.
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It s a really terrible idea to ask them for advice, and it s a really terrible idea to ask for their opinion.
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They don t know what they re talking about.
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They re in a worse or similar situation as you, and they have no valid input on this, so frankly it s none of their business.
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But I would say look at why you re so concerned about what other people think of you in the first place, and by the time you dig down to that little gem, none of this other stuff like you mentioned above is gonna matter.
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Hey, Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
1
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
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Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
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Hey Jordan, I recently met a girl that I ve been spending lots of time with.
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We ve gotten along great, cuddled a bit, and gotten past the quote unquote, I like you stage.
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But today we had a chat that revealed that that means different things to each of us.
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We want different things out of our relationship.
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Since that means that I won t be getting what I m looking for, I quickly felt standoffish.
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I don t want to invest myself in a relationship with someone on a different trajectory.
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Is that selfish of me in a bad way?
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Will it be detrimental to get into the habit of rejecting friendships that don t give me what I want out of them?
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Looking for your thoughts.
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Sincerely, Pete.
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Hey Pete, look, I get it.
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The short answer is yes.
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You should get in the habit of rejecting friendships that don t give you what you want out of them.
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But the caveat here is you need to look for the value more closely.
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I ve got a lot of friends where the value isn t readily apparent.
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I m not saying, oh, this person s not a software engineer in Silicon Valley.
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Yeah, you need to
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You need to ditch them.
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They re not going to help you in your path.
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That s not how it goes.
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You need to be looking at real friendship.
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Would this person pick you up from the airport?
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Are they there when you re feeling down?
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Do they hang out with you and not judge you?
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Are you relaxed around them?
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Do you like how you feel around them?
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That s value.
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Don t be looking for career value.
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Don t be looking for specific things that people can do for you.
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Look for quality people and look to the quality of people.
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If you find that these people are low quality, then yeah, you don t need to be friends with them.
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But if you find that they re just not going to be able to help you get another promotion later this year, that s not a good reason to get rid of somebody from your network.
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So don t reject because you re not getting what you want.
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Reject if you re not getting what you need, which is very different and also not as obvious.
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And of course, last but not least, if a relationship is dragging on you, if the person is too much of a taker, then definitely cut ties.
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But listen carefully.
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If you are a taker and you re only looking for what you can get from relationships, now you re that guy that deserves to be cut out of other people s lives.
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So be really careful when, where, and how you apply this.
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Listening to this podcast episode, I couldn t help but think about something I ve been noticing in a variety of places.
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Here s what it is.
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I ve noticed that guys who are in long-term relationships, long-term girlfriends, fiancées, wives, etc.
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seem to give advice that seems to carry a certain pro-female bias.
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It s almost like, when answering questions, these guys judge men more harshly than they judge women.
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In many cases, women are given the assumption of innocence, whereas they find ways that men are in the wrong.
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It s something that I only notice with guys in long-term relationships, and it seems like men change, i.e., when they were single, they tended to have self-serving opinions, but then those same men, after a few years in a long-term relationship, give advice that s serving the interests of women.
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It s almost as if they re working on behalf of the interests of their girlfriends and wives in some weird, subversive, and subservient way.
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Sometimes it s hard for me to listen to advice from guys with long-term relationships because the advice seems too heavily slanted towards supporting women s interests.
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Regarding the guy who snooped on his girlfriend and found out she cheated, I couldn t help but think of this meme.
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And for the radio audience at home, it is a beautiful blonde woman.
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The text in the image says, he caught me cheating.
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It s his fault for spying on me.
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It seemed weird to me that you suggested that the guy should go to therapy for looking at his girlfriend s email.
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Yeah, it s not something he should do, but telling him he should see a therapist sounded like trumped up charges as if you were trying to vilify him.
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Thanks, Brett.
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Hey man, I understand what you re saying and thank you for taking the time.
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However, I think you re missing the point, or perhaps you just didn t listen properly, but he snooped through her email and he had found that she cheated in a past relationship, not the current relationship.
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I was very specific in my answer that I didn t address her actions at all in my answer.
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It s also very clear to me that the issues leading to him snooping in her email had nothing to do with her and everything to do with him.
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The reason I did this is because the relationship is already dead once there s no trust, and that s the issue here.
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People don t spy on their significant other when there s a healthy amount of trust.
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Remember, she s been faithful to him in the current relationship, and he snooped on her email because he was insecure, not because he had a feeling she was up to something.
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Now, you can discard and discredit all the advice from guys in relationships all you like.
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That s your loss.
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In the end, the reason you see the difference in the advice is because being in a long-term relationship is a sign of maturity.
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Thus, when men mature, they no longer think only of themselves and instead think of their partnership and their significant other.
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You ll see the same thing with gay men, you ll see the same thing with gay women in healthy relationships as well.
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Now, perhaps you re just not there yet, which is okay.
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That s the whole point, though.
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you have to be mature and less selfish before you can make a long-term relationship work.
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And that relationship will seem to many outsiders to be more quote-unquote pro-female simply because it s less selfish and one-sided from a male perspective.
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I hope that helps and good luck.
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I hope you all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget you can email us at Friday at TheArtOfCharm.com and we ve got something new.
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Our friends at Burner App have set us up with a call
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in line now.
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So if you d like to leave us a voicemail or text, you can do so either to 415-429-1915.
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That s 415-429-1915.
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And if you need to stay on the down low, or you just don t want someone to have your actual phone number for any reason, be sure to check out Burner
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at burnerapp.com.
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It s a cool little app.
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It lets you make new phone numbers on the fly, right from your smartphone, and essentially, quote unquote, burn them when you re done, just like if you ve seen The Wire, the drug dealer flip phones where they just throw them in the dumpster after they re done.
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It s like that, but it s an app, so you don t have to throw your iPhone in a friggin  dumpster.
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Also, of course, we have the Art of Charm Challenge at theartofcharm.com or text CHARMED to 33444.
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We re going to take you step-by-step to becoming better at making personal and professional connections, becoming a better networker, increasing your personal social capital and your charisma.
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It s for both guys and gals, so check that out at theartofcharm.com or text CHARMED.
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to 33444.
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Quick shout-out to Jake Omen, who s wrestling in Japan, and Sean in Perth, who just found the show after meeting me riding some quads through the jungle in Thailand.
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Of course, everybody that I met, show fan and otherwise, here at Heroic Public Speaking, Michael and Amy Port s event down here in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, where I am right now.
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You know, it s funny, personalizing the people that listen to the show makes me want to do it even more, makes me want to do it even better, and also makes me want to watch my language a little bit.
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It s really easy to slip up and be a little bit tacky when I m sitting here alone in my underwear or whatever, but when I can personalize it and I see a bunch of really nice folks listening on the other end, it changes the game for me.
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But it won t change me too much.
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I m too stubborn.
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Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up and I ll shout you out.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com.
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Now have a great weekend.
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Get out there and connect and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to the Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.