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Time for Fan Mail Friday, where we ll be answering your questions and dropping some knowledge and feedback to help you kick the weekend off right.
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, this is not a great place to start.
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Most of our content is more in-depth and longer format, so check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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There we ve got the fundamentals of body language and nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, and everything else we teach here at the Art of Charm.
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All right, let s cut to it.
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Dear Jordan,
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I just don t have time for dating.
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Scratch that, I don t have the energy for it.
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I m a massive workaholic and most of my free time is spent drinking alone or having horrible panic attacks.
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I really want to get off the hamster wheel for a little bit, but I don t really see how that s possible at this point in my life.
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What do I do?
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Signed, Rat Racing.
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Hey man, you sound a little bit like Charlie Hone, a friend of mine.
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It s a guy we also interviewed on the show as well.
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Here are the main things that you need to look at.
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Don t think about giving up your career as an end to itself, but do consider how you can have a better work-life balance, which is something
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that I m sort of in a love-hate relationship with myself.
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Hit the gym religiously every day after work.
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It ll help you get some of that negative energy and stress out of your body.
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I m about to do that right after this.
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And when you have fun, allow yourself to actually have fun.
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Don t stress over other stuff and think you should be doing that instead.
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And see a doctor about your nutrition.
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your anxiety might actually be triggered by something you re eating or not eating, believe it or not.
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And those are just a few things to get started, but listen to the podcast for more.
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Check out the Charlie Hohn episode.
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It s kind of an oldie, but it s a goodie.
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Good morning, Jordan.
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I hope this finds you well.
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I have a friend who s greatly talented and passionate, but she seems unable to break out of a cycle of despair and procrastination.
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She keeps coming to me for advice, motivation, and input, and it seems that no change ever gets made.
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She musters the energy to try and make positive changes to her habits, but then never changes them.
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I m at the point where I just want to tell her, you re clearly beyond my ability to help.
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Stop wasting my time.
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I want to see her prosper, but it seems like such a lost cause.
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What are your thoughts?
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I imagine you ve been through similar situations with people who get all hyped up to change, but then never do.
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Sincerely, End of His Rope.
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Hey man, I don t blame you for being a little bit at the end of your rope.
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This is super, super annoying and not even just, it s a level beyond annoying because it s draining.
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What you need to do, unfortunately, in situations like this is often set boundaries.
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It s something that you need to do that, you need to let people vent, right?
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Your friends and relationships, they need to vent.
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they can t get advice if they won t follow it.
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Because they don t really want advice in this case, they just want to vent.
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And they can only vent a certain amount, otherwise they overstep and it becomes a negative weight on you.
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So you have to limit your exposure to them to limit that weight if the boundaries don t work.
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And the boundaries sometimes might even be that you can t hang out with them as much, and it s unfortunate.
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But start with boundaries, then limit exposure, really,
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She needs you, so cutting her out might be too extreme, but your sanity in the end matters more than her feelings.
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So let that sink in.
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Your sanity matters more than her feelings, but start with boundaries, then limit time, and then if it just can t get any better than that and you re about to freaking hang yourself because you can t deal with it anymore, then you re gonna have to cut her out of your life, at least for a little while.
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Good morning, Jordan.
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Man, people really like to write us in the mornings.
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I want to start off by saying thank you.
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Ever since I stumbled upon your podcast, I ve learned so much.
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I m more aware of what I m thinking, and I definitely have more confidence around women.
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I m married, but still, LOL.
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My friends, family, rich people, strangers, basically I feel like I can handle myself around anyone.
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So again, I thank you and I refer your podcast to anyone I see that wants to become a better person.
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I m going to be 37 in a week.
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I have a healthy, happy life for the most part, and I feel like I quote unquote, get it in life.
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Every day I try to be a better person to myself, my wife, and my family.
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Here s my dilemma.
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I ve worked for a huge phone company for 15 years.
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It s a great job and has helped me to live the life I have today.
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The problem is that it s evolving and there have always been issues between my union and the company.
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I m a hard worker and I take pride in my work regardless of how hard the company makes it for us to do our job.
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We re currently working without a contract and the things the company is making us do has killed the morale here.
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I ve been miserable since I was forced to do work at a new location and there is no way to transfer out.
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Basically, I feel very stressed and stuck.
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mentally broken, and I don t want to live life like this anymore.
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I went from hoping to retire here to thinking of new ways to leave this company with similar pay and benefits.
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I do have options.
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I m a black belt in the martial arts, a personal trainer, and my number one passion is being a DJ.
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Although I have gigs every weekend, I don t see leaving my job to be a full-time DJ.
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It doesn t make sense financially, and it doesn t have medical benefits.
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I would love to hear your opinion on what you would do in my shoes.
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Do you stay with a great paying job and be miserable or do what truly makes you happy and make less money?
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Another question I had for you is this.
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If slash when you make a donation to a charity online, would you put your name in so people can see how much you donated or make it anonymous?
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Thank you for your time and any advice
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having people know that we re giving away some of what we re doing and making here at AOC.
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I think if it was a huge amount of money and it was awkward, anonymous might be the way to go, but I d leave the job if you can afford to.
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Nothing is worth your sanity and your happiness.
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This seems to be a running theme of today s show.
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If you re gonna be more miserable, if you re uninsured and get hurt,
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then consider that as well.
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But I can t really make this decision for you.
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I would just say, look, a pay cut, you will adjust to that as long as it s something that s gonna be able to pay for the necessities and your bills and you ll eventually be able to find something else that you do enjoy.
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And you ll be a lot happier in the meantime.
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But yeah, if you re gonna have no benefits and your family s gonna be free floating somewhere, you re gonna have to live on your mom s couch,
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you re gonna have to weigh that into consideration, but don t catastrophize.
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Just because you might take a pay cut here, and you might have to cut out a luxury or two, or a non-necessity, don t conflate that with, I m gonna be homeless.
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A lot of people do that, and that s what keeps them in the golden handcuffs.
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My wife and I have only been together for two and a half years and we re already having some serious issues with intimacy.
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We stopped having sex months ago.
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She kept telling me that because of her anxiety and depression, she d been experiencing a drop in her sex drive, which I understood so I waited patiently.
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very patiently.
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What I m figuring out now is that we ve fallen into a downward spiral of disappearing passion, and we have quickly turned into one of those stereotypical old couples.
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No romance.
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I went through boot camp right before our anniversary, and when I got back, I expected to use my new skill set to seduce her.
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No such luck.
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In fact, she told me last weekend that she s planning on moving out.
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She claims that she needs time to figure things out and is hopeful that if we aren t living together, it might give us a chance to rekindle the lost passion.
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Before this news, I was ready to do almost anything to fight for her and to fight for our marriage.
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Now I can t even fight the feeling that she s working on an easy escape and just sparing my feelings by telling me there s still a chance.
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I keep getting mixed signals from her, but because I m now faced with the reality of divorce, it s so hard for me to want to work things out with her.
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I feel like I m not getting a full commitment from her and I need to be prepared to lose what I thought was a good thing.
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Now I find myself looking forward to being single again instead of trying to figure out ways to attract her.
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We have an appointment for couples therapy tomorrow night, and I m really anxious to see what a pro has to say about all this, but since I ve been trusting your opinion for years now I figured I d ask you this.
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How will I know that this is really over?
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I used to be so incredibly in love with my wife.
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Even with the lack of intimacy, I ve enjoyed our marriage.
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But now that I have this notion that she wants out, I m totally turned off.
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Is it over already?
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Signed, friend zoned husband.
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Hey, friendzone husband, yes, it s most likely over, and again, there s no complicated answer to this one, so I m sorry, but you need to see what your therapist says, of course, but once you simply feel nothing for one another, you need to see if it s just because one person is depressed, or having other issues, or if the issue exists between you.
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And that s a huge question that you can only work out with your therapist.
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I feel like I m not being very verbose this episode, but some of these just don t have very complicated answers, they have hard answers.
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Speaking of the friend zone, dear Jordan, I m always the friend, never the boyfriend.
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How do I become more of a closer when it comes to women?
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Signed, forever friend zoned.
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Another friend zone one.
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So this is one of the most common questions that I get at the Art of Charm.
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It s stressful for guys constantly being the confidant, but never being the boyfriend.
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And it s not just about sex.
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We all want someone to share our lives with.
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And I d say that a certain single-digit percent of the guys that come to AOC are often looking for ways to get out of the friend zone.
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Basically what it comes down to is building sexual tension.
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That s what people respond to.
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And I m not going to lie to you and tell you that being a millionaire TV star isn t going
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to make your social life easier, but you don t need to be either of those things to be successful with the opposite sex.
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What you do need is the ability to build sexual tension.
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Start conversations by being lighthearted, playful, flirtatious.
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We do a whole show on this called Attraction and Banter.
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Show them you feel confident being yourself.
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After that, it s time to proceed to all the getting to know you type stuff.
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Build rapport, real deep rapport.
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The more real, the more deep, the better.
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Once you ve done that, you can ask for that number in as direct a way as possible.
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And don t be afraid to walk away and maybe even get a little bit of a scrape on the knee here and there.
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And above all, you can show that you don t need someone to feel good about yourself.
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These are the keys to confidence and the keys to staying out of the friend zone by not getting there in the first place.
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By the way, I just wanna be super real about this.
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It s good to have lots of friends of the opposite sex.
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And a lot of times that will happen because one or both of you is not interested in a relationship or any kind of fling.
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And you might find that some of the quote unquote friend zone stuff is actually the best thing that s ever happened to you.
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Because quite frankly, your friends are gonna be around a lot longer than someone you date temporarily.
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and some of the people you date temporarily may also be your friends, but it s much less of a, there s a little issue there.
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You kind of have to clean up that other baggage, and then when you get another person in your life, there might be something you have to handle, but if you never hook up, it s actually better in my opinion.
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I think the only problem here comes into play when it s sort of chronic and you never become, it s always the bridesmaid, never the bride.
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That is when it can become a problem, so I understand you there.
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What s up Jordan?
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I m just not an outgoing dude and when I do talk to people, women or men, I get really strange looks.
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I know that people generally find me quote unquote creepy, but I don t really know why.
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Basically I get the impression that there s absolutely nothing that I can do about this and that my best bet is to hope that I trip into romance one day.
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Can anyone learn social skills?
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Is there any hope for me?
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Signed, Hope of the Hopeless.
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Hey, Hopeless.
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In a word, yes.
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Social skills are something that absolutely anybody can learn.
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Basically, everybody learns social skills one way or another anyway, and if you need proof of this, look at babies or teenagers.
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Either works as an example of a person who doesn t have any social skills.
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The thing is,
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People have to learn their social skills through trial and error and some people are just naturally better at learning them, that s for sure.
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And some people learn them a lot earlier.
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People who don t learn well enough through trial and error or have difficulty acquiring social skills because of environment or other factors, that s a lot more common than you think.
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And what s more, even the most socially adept guys that we get here at the Art of Charm still have a lot to learn.
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What you need to know is that social skills aren t some kind of magic trick, figuratively or literally for that matter.
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They re really just a set of simple processes that anybody can actually learn and practice and get better at.
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Think of it this way.
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Anybody can learn how to change the oil in their car.
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It s just a matter of learning the little steps that go into that.
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And believe it or not, socializing is a lot closer to that than you might think.
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You can do it, and the Art of Charm s here to help you, so if you really want to get this locked down, give me a call, and we ll talk options there as well.
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I did a video this week about how social media changes the way that you think, not necessarily for the better, and how you can challenge your thinking to become a better critical thinker.
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as well and sharpen your logic skills and broaden the old horizon, so check that out.
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That s on our blog, and a link to this blog post can be found at theartofcharm.com slash fmf39.
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Hope you enjoyed that.
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Don t forget, you can reach us at Friday at theartofcharm.com.
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We read everything.
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We d love to hear from you.
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Quick shout out to Kyle and Medellin, Colombia, Nathaniel in Guatemala, both AOC Boot Camp alumni.
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Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up and I ll shout you out.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com.
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Now have a great week, get out there and connect, and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Whether it s trouble at home or a workplace dilemma, the coaches will help you find a winning formula for success.
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You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
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Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
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They say if you do what you love, you never work a day in your life.
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But if you re an entrepreneur, you know the hard work that comes with it.
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That s why you need Kajabi.
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Kajabi makes it easy to run your entire online business from one platform so you can focus on what you love.
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Right now, Kajabi is offering a free 30-day trial to start your business if you go to kajabi.com slash charm.
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That s K-A-J-A-B-I dot com slash charm.
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Go to kajabi.com slash charm and join the creators and entrepreneurs who have made over seven billion dollars.
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Thanks for listening to the Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and everything for the extraordinary man at the art of charm podcast dot com.