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Time for Fan Mail Friday, where we ll be answering your questions and dropping some knowledge and feedback to help you kick the weekend off right.
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, this isn t the best place to start.
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Most of our content is more in-depth and longer format, so check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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If you re looking for a little bit of practical application where we give you some homework to help you increase your networking ability and your professional skillset, check out theartofcharm.com slash challenge.
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On the toolbox, the challenge, and the best of page, we ve got the fundamentals of body language and nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, and everything else we teach here at the Art of Charm.
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All right, let s cut to it.
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Hey guys, I m seeking your advice and comments on my particular situation.
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I ll make a long story short.
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I met a girl a couple years back and we instantly hit it off.
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After talking to her for a while, I built up the courage to ask her to the movies.
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I had never been so bold as to ask a girl out like that in person.
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It was great.
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I never specified, though, as friends or more than, just kept it light and easy.
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She said yes, only to text me later that night telling me, just as friends, and she might be overthinking it, but she didn t want to feel weird if I felt different than her.
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So I played dumb and pretended that I meant just as friends as well and apologized for making it seem otherwise.
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We went and had a great time.
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As time goes by, we hang out every other day and confide in each other and we lay in bed and cuddle and take naps and watch movies.
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She even does the thing where when we re spooning, she tries to scoot her butt even closer, though there s absolutely no way she could get any closer.
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She eventually tells me I m her only guy friend who hasn t come on to her and made it weird, and that she likes it that way.
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Eventually, she finds this guy we both know and she likes him.
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He truly is a good guy, and being the person I am, I tell her to go for it if she really likes him.
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And she does, and they start dating.
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A year later, they re still dating.
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Then a couple weeks ago, she texts me and tells me to watch the movie Something Borrowed, and that it s pretty much us.
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Sad, right?
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Anyways, I like her a lot.
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A lot.
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We re the exact same person.
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We like all the same stuff and get along so well.
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It s unreal.
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What I m asking is what do you guys have to say?
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I feel like the only thing I can do is wait for her to break up with him and then tell her how I feel.
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Thanks for any feedback.
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I know this is a little long.
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Jake.
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Hey, I m Jake, I really feel your pain here.
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This has never happened to me directly, but I had a close friend this happened to way back in the day in college, and it was pretty painful, just by proxy.
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I would say you don t need to wait until they break up.
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That s a little bit weirdly sort of agenda-ish, because it s like, I like you, be with me now, even if she s not ready.
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It s a weird sort of move.
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I would say tell her now.
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It will cost you the friendship, but you have to be okay with that.
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So in other words, you only really want to tell her if you re comfortable losing her as a friend.
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But here s the thing, you re not really friends.
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You re pretending you re friends because you want something more from her.
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So it s actually a covert contract.
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You ve heard us talk about these on the show before, where you have something where it s like, well, if I m her friend for long enough, maybe this will happen.
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There s probably something like that going on.
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So I would really, the real advice here is stop pretending you re friends because you re not.
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You re just leading her on as a fake friend because you secretly hold feelings and that s not good for either of you.
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You re pining and she doesn t really know, in truth, where you stand.
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So you should come clean and be prepared for that to affect your friendship, and I m putting friendship in air quotes there, but the good news is,
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Once you clear the air with this, she can either say, oh my god, me too, or more likely say, oh my gosh, I didn t see this coming, I thought we were just friends, and you re gonna have to do some seriously hard thinking about whether or not you re okay with just being friends and whether or not that s even possible for you at this point.
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This next question comes from Donald.
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Hi Jordan, thank you for producing such a valuable podcast.
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I ve been listening for years and have been enriched as a result.
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Given my highly scientific background, I was especially excited when I saw your science-based dating episode pop up on my feed.
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I was dismayed, as part of the interview consisted of Dr. Dwayna Welch potentially misusing data.
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Without her exact sources, I can t be positive, but given the way she spoke, it sounded as if she was using correlation to try and show causation.
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What made this even worse was that she then joked with you, telling you that correlation doesn t mean causation.
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In particular, Dr. Welsh referenced married people being happier as a causation, while in reality, there likely is a factor where no one wants to be married to an unhappy person, causing the unhappy people to either not get married or to get divorced.
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As a result, there are more unhappy people in the unmarried category than the married category.
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Keep in mind that this is speculation, and I don t have any studies to back this up, and I have not read the studies that Dr. Welsh references.
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Hey, Donald, thanks for this.
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Donald s job, by the way, is to find bad science for certain publications, so this isn t just a weird nitpick based on speculation, but probably has some legs.
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One thing we often do here at The Art of Charm is look into the science and ask questions about the spin or the logical argument style of the points made by guests on the show.
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You ve heard me challenge people all the time, and we re really grateful when someone points out something like this to us, so thanks for that.
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Dear Jordan, it never fails.
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I go out, start chatting with a woman, then she starts throwing things at me that throw me off my game.
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Comments like, I only date confident men.
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Or, aren t you a little too old to be here?
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It sort of doesn t really matter what the comment is.
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The point is, it seems rude to me, and I m not sure what to do about it.
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Walk away?
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Get mad?
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Neither of these seem right to me.
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What do you have to say?
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Signed, Getting Testy.
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Hey man, these are what we in the business call tests.
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And guess what?
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They re not always a bad thing.
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In fact, a lot of times they re not.
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When it comes to higher quality, higher value women, if you will, they re going to throw tests your way to see if you can roll with the punches.
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And this is actually a good sign because what this means is she s interested in you enough to actually bother testing you in the first place.
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So basically you wanna do one of three things.
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You can deliberately misinterpret.
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For example, if she says, when are you gonna buy me a drink?
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You can point to yours and say, no thanks, I already have one.
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Again, it s all about delivery here.
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It just sounds so lame when I read it, sort of wrote like that.
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You can agree and exaggerate.
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This one is fun.
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So if she says, oh, I only date confident men.
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You can say, no kidding, me too.
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We have so much in common, as if you date confident men.
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And you can ignore it.
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And I don t mean ignore her, but you can basically, no matter what she says, you can turn the tables by ignoring it.
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You can even just say, what?
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And that works just fine.
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So does something like that s cute.
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You remind me of my sister, but you have to be careful with the sort of diminutive, um, almost condescending type stuff because you can really easily go overboard with it.
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But bear in mind here, look, this isn t something that you need to quote unquote game.
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This is a good sign.
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You can laugh it off.
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You can ignore it.
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That s kind of my favorite thing to do.
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And she ll stop after a short while, knowing that you can walk the walk.
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If she keeps doing it over and over and over again.
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Some women just don t really know how to flirt that well, or have been hurt in the past, or are young and inexperienced.
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That s all good.
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So you can deal with it in one of those ways, and you should be just fine.
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Again, it s a sign that she s actually interested enough in you to make this conversation continue in the first place, so congratulations there.
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Dear Jordan, I quite liked the list of habits that it s good for men to cultivate.
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Some of them I m going to try, some are harder than others, and some I m just ignoring.
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I was curious though about the opposite.
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What are some habits that it s good for men to try and lose or at least avoid as much as possible?
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It s not the type of thing where I think I m going to do or not do all of them, but I d love to hear what habits you think are worth avoiding.
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Signed, InTheHabit.
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Hey, I think you ve got the right approach to this.
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When I tell people to do or not to do something, it s obviously just a suggestion.
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The habits I listed before are things that work for me.
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They re by no means universal, though they are the type of thing that I recommend to anyone that I come across.
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That said, here are some things that I think are worth avoiding.
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Smoking.
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All right.
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First of all, I ve definitely, it s not like I ve never touched a cigarette, especially if I m getting really lit with friends someplace on vacation.
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That said, you should know that even having one cigarette doubles your risk of heart attack.
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And I think that s per day, not just like once in your life.
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But I looked up the stats sort of haphazardly and asked a doctor buddy, and now that I read it, it looks a little bit inconclusive.
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But one cigarette per day, I m going to wager, doubles your risk of heart attack.
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It also messes with your blood pressure, it increases hair loss, and all sorts of other nasty stuff you probably never want to worry about if you had the choice, and you do.
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Drinking and driving.
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Never, ever, ever.
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If my ride is drunk, I call a cab.
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Uber, really.
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If I m a wuss for that, then fine.
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I ll be a living wuss with a license and a clean criminal record.
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If you do this, you re an idiot in my book, plain and simple.
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Swearing.
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Obviously, I curse.
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I even curse on the show sometimes, but I try not to as much as possible, especially in front of women.
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Maybe that s old-fashioned.
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It s not because I might offend
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someone but people look at indicate myself included frankly look at indicators of intelligence and social status or class consciously and unconsciously and nothing says I don t really know how to articulate things and act around other people like having a crazy potty mouth that you just can t get a handle on.
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I m
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This one is almost a religious belief for me.
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I respect other people s time and expect them to respect mine.
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I always strive to be exactly on time.
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And being on time also shows that you ve got yourself together enough to keep your word, and that s powerful.
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So try some of these things on.
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Again, just suggestions, but since you asked, there you go.
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See if they don t improve your life.
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Hey Jordan, I ve been listening to the show for a few years now and thank you for all that you do.
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My question is about my 22-year-old little brother and what I should or can do to get him off the road he s on.
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He s been arrested a few times for selling drugs and just hangs out around the wrong people.
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Some of his quote-unquote friends have actually been shot and killed.
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He came back from rehab a couple months ago and slipped right back into his old ways.
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He seems depressed and lost.
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Our family is close and it s killing us to see him do this.
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Talks have been had but it just doesn t seem to help.
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I told him to go away, join the army, or just live with family outside the state for a little while.
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I m not worried about him getting arrested because I think prison, which he has already been to for a couple months, would maybe do him good.
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I m more worried about his life.
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We as a family are constantly worried about him getting shot or overdosing or something else horrible happening.
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If there s any advice you could offer as to what you would do if you were I in this situation, I d appreciate it so much.
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Thanks for your time, Michael.
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Hey man, this is a big one.
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And so I called in some reinforcements, some big guns.
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My friend Caleb Bacon, he s a television, strangely, might not seem qualified for this.
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He s a telecom sitcom writer, a podcaster, a really good friend of mine.
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He had a podcast called Man School featured on episode number two, which is me.
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I was kidnapped twice, that s my kidnap story.
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And he was also a guest on Art of Charm at least a couple of times.
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He s also sober from drugs and alcohol after a real struggle that I ve heard a lot about, and he s been clean for eight years plus, so he s got a lot of experience in this world around the world of recovery.
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He s not a medical professional, but he s got a passion for learning about alcoholism and addiction, and he does a lot of volunteer work, and this is gonna be part of it.
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So, Caleb Bacon, take it away.
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This is a complicated one, but the good news is that it s not an uncommon situation.
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This is something that many people are going through, many families are going through across the country.
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and people even refer to addiction as the problem of our time.
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And also they say that it s a family disease because part of the dance people get into with trying to help their loved ones who have the sickness, the normal dance doesn t work.
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But before I talk about that, I see two sides to this issue.
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There s the gentleman who wrote the email
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what he can do for himself and then there s what he can do for his brother.
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So when it comes to his brother, maybe he s a drug addict, maybe he s an alcoholic, maybe he s undiagnosed bipolar, treating it with drugs and alcohol.
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Maybe he has a
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a brain tumor that is pressing on a part of his brain that screwed up his motivational systems that has him acting in such a way.
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I can t diagnose him, and you can t diagnose him, not to mention I m not a doctor, but any sort of actual diagnosis can only occur
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once the person is sober.
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And to get to that point is the question.
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It sounds like he s an adult, so you can t legally make him go into rehab, much less stay in rehab.
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Now, rehab can be court ordered, but it doesn t sound like that s on the table at the moment.
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Something that is effective is a good intervention.
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The thing about interventions is when they re led by a professional interventionist, and that s the key, it s a system.
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where loved ones get together and instead of just complaining to the addict in their life about how much you ve hurt us.
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there s a different way that the interventionist leads it.
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So it comes from a place of love and tries to get the addict that they re talking to feeling enough reality to be open to going to some kind of treatment.
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And then part of what the professional interventionist does is already have a treatment plan in place, a bed set up somewhere where it s like, okay, Johnny, or whatever his name is,
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Are you ready to go right now?
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Are you serious about this?
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Because we have got a bed at such and such facility.
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They re ready to take you, ready to do 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, six months, whatever of treatment.
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And that s a good thing you can have out of a professional intervention.
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But there s no guarantee that the guy we ll call Johnny is going to go into treatment, could run away, happens all the time.
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And there s no guarantee that even if he goes into treatment,
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will stay there.
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And then even if he does acquire some kind of sobriety.
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then there s still no guarantee of long-term sobriety.
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As a sober person myself, I can absolutely tell you that it is not always easy, but it is certainly possible to maintain long-term sobriety, and I ve been pretty fortunate, but I ve also put a lot of work into it.
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But really, the truth is, when it comes to what can be done for your brother, you gotta be ready as an addict, alcoholic, whatever.
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to look at your own behavior and say, this isn t working, what else can I do?
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And it takes, you ll hear people talk about rock bottom and rock bottom s kind of, it s kind of a phrase I don t really like because it conjures up images of being homeless and being on the street.
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and just doing the worst things known to man in order to get your next fix.
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Now, my bottom did not look like that, but it s about how you feel on the inside.
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And so for some people, their rock bottom, being on the street, can feel the exact same on the inside as it can for
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a drug-addicted businessman who still has his job and is spending more money on high-quality drugs than the crackhead on the street.
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But anyway, so for the emailer, I think the best thing he can do is to try and get some peace with the situation.
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And because, like I said, he can t really change it.
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He can help if his brother wants to get help.
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He can say, all right, what can I help you do?
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But if his brother says, Hey, I need a, I need a hundred dollars.
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I owe this guy some money.
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You know, that s not really the best way to be a help.
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But so for your emailer, I think to get some peace in your life is the most important thing because if your brother doesn t want help, he can t get help.
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So first thing I would say is seeing a professional therapist, especially anyone who specializes.
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in dealing with family issues, dealing with addiction, and really it s such a common issue that there s a lot of therapists out there that you can find, and so it doesn t have to be super, super specialized.
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And therapy is, is wonderful.
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I recommend it for a lot of people, but especially, especially in this situation.
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And it s not going to be something that is going to immediately change how you feel about the world, but it is going to over time, it s going to be able to give you a chance to feel better yourself, have your days be a little bit brighter, but also figure out a way to still love your brother.
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without enabling him to make his own situation worse.
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And then, I don t know where you live, but across the country and across the world, there s a 12-step program called Al-Anon, which is for the loved ones of addicts and alcoholics.
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And it s a free 12-step program, not religious, but spiritual, that is a place for people, whether it s
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husbands, wives, sisters, brothers, you know, whoever the alcoholic addict is in their life, going there, getting a sponsor, working the steps, being a regular part of that fellowship, which is for free, that will be a way to be a new man yourself.
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And it doesn t mean it s going to change your brother s behavior, but whether it s therapy or Al-Anon, once the family starts getting better,
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or even family members, it changes the dance that s always been done with the addict in your life.
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The shift in that dynamic, when your behavior changes, it allows the addict in your life to see his or her behavior differently.
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The trickiest part is when dealing with an addict in your family, it pretty much goes against all of your intuition of how you deal with anyone who s having a problem because this problem is so, so different
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It affects the motivational centers in the brain.
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So when the addict is lying to you and you think he s telling the truth, it s not personal.
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It s just his brain is saying, I have to go in this one direction as much as possible.
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nothing can derail it, so then all kinds of lies come out.
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And so it s really tricky to deal with.
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But I would say the first thing you could do is find a support group or find a therapist.
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And good luck to you guys.
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Thanks so much to Caleb for taking time out of his day to answer that, and I hope that helps you out.
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I knew I was in over my head on that one, so I hope calling in a little reinforcements does the trick.
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Hey, Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
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On Ways to Win podcast, Craig and Coach Cal use their on-court wisdom to solve your off-court problems.
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You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
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SPEAKER_04
There are thousands of creators on Kajabi making six and seven figures with less than 50,000 followers.
2
SPEAKER_01
Right now, Kajabi is offering a free 30-day trial to start your business if you go to kajabi.com slash charm.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s K-A-J-A-B-I dot com slash charm.
2
SPEAKER_04
Go to Kajabi.com slash charm and join the creators and entrepreneurs who have made over seven billion dollars.
2
SPEAKER_03
Alright, back to Fan Mail Friday.
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SPEAKER_02
Hey Jordan, I m so not a fan of bars or clubs, but I m not an introvert or anything either.
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SPEAKER_02
The problem here is that I don t drink and I don t really want to date women who do.
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SPEAKER_02
What s more, being surrounded by a bunch of drunk people really isn t my idea of a good time.
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SPEAKER_02
I m not being a hater, it s just not my scene.
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SPEAKER_02
But that s where everyone seems to meet women.
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SPEAKER_02
What do you have for me, Jordan?
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SPEAKER_02
Signed, Still Straight Edge.
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SPEAKER_02
Hey, Straight Edge, man, you re not alone.
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SPEAKER_03
A lot of guys don t drink.
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SPEAKER_03
And still, other guys who do drink just aren t big fans of the bar and club scene, and that s totally cool, totally respectable.
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SPEAKER_03
I m kind of getting that way myself, slash have been that way.
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SPEAKER_03
So where do you meet women, you re asking?
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SPEAKER_03
Coffee shops have been called the thinking man s bar, and a lot of the same skills that we teach for bars and clubs that you might have heard on the show apply equally to meeting women in coffee shops as they do anywhere else.
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SPEAKER_03
You strike me as the kind of guy who s looking for a pretty meaningful connection, which is good.
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SPEAKER_03
That s a good sign of a mature relationship in action.
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SPEAKER_03
So what s there for you?
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SPEAKER_03
You need to get out there and get involved in social activities that you re passionate about.
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SPEAKER_03
This could be anything from rescuing stray pit bulls to helping feed the homeless, kiteboarding, kitten shaving, whatever.
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SPEAKER_03
Volunteering is always a great way to meet other people who share your passions, and beyond that, you can take classes.
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SPEAKER_03
It s always good to improve yourself by learning new things and classes are a great place to meet anybody.
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SPEAKER_03
Acting or dance class in particular is a great place to meet women and even get a little physical just for practice.
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SPEAKER_03
So I hope that helps.
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SPEAKER_03
Classes are where it s at, man.
2
SPEAKER_02
Jordan, first of all, thanks so much for doing Fan Mail Friday in addition to the normal podcast.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s really a nice change of pace.
2
SPEAKER_02
So here s my question.
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SPEAKER_02
How do you respond when someone tells you something you already know?
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SPEAKER_02
My most recent example of this was a friend told me that he found a really great news app.
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SPEAKER_02
I happen to have it already, though, and I should download it.
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SPEAKER_02
I could respond in one of two ways.
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SPEAKER_02
One, I already have that app and it s good, but thanks for letting me know.
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SPEAKER_02
Or two, wow, that app looks cool.
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SPEAKER_02
What sort of features do you like about it?
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SPEAKER_02
This type of situation happens very often, sometimes with co-workers, bosses, etc.
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SPEAKER_02
Should I tell the truth and somewhat kill the conversation, or would it be better to tell a white lie so they feel good and the conversation takes off?
2
SPEAKER_02
Thanks, aspiring conversationalist Casanova.
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SPEAKER_03
Hey, I m glad you enjoy Fan Mail Friday.
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SPEAKER_03
It s a really nice change of pace for me too, frankly, and it gives me a cool opportunity to talk to you directly without having to cater to other people s needs other than just yours, so I really dig it.
2
SPEAKER_03
Look, this is a cool question, and I just randomly was talking to my friend Erin, who s a former covert operative or clandestine service officer for the Central Intelligence Agency.
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SPEAKER_03
So I decided, hey, look, this looks like a question that a spy should answer.
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SPEAKER_03
So what she and I came up with was kind of a joint art of charm, CIA tactic skill set here.
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SPEAKER_03
And what we re gonna say is, look, these people are trying to help you out.
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SPEAKER_03
They re trying to add value.
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SPEAKER_03
So what you need to do is let them.
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SPEAKER_03
If you don t let them, you re rejecting them, you re going to stop having them offer the value to you, and we all know we train people how to behave around us.
2
SPEAKER_03
So what we want is for them to relate to us by giving value.
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SPEAKER_03
It s a great way to relate to people in general, and it s great when you re on the receiving end of it.
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SPEAKER_03
So you gotta let them add value.
2
SPEAKER_03
Don t use the word but.
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SPEAKER_03
Like, well, but I ve already seen this.
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SPEAKER_03
What you can say is essentially giving them the opportunity to help you.
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SPEAKER_03
You ve already seen the app, you can say,
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SPEAKER_03
Yeah, I found that app recently.
2
SPEAKER_03
It s so great.
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SPEAKER_03
How are you using the app?
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SPEAKER_03
How are your friends using the app?
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SPEAKER_03
How did you find it?
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SPEAKER_03
How do you stay on top of these trends?
2
SPEAKER_03
Ask for recommendations.
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SPEAKER_03
Basically, they re giving you a little bit of value.
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SPEAKER_03
Ask for a little bit more.
2
SPEAKER_03
It makes them feel appreciated.
2
SPEAKER_03
It s actually called the Ben Franklin effect, and we talk about this here and there at AOC, at Bootcamp, and things like that.
2
SPEAKER_03
Again, their goal is to help you and add value, so let them.
2
SPEAKER_03
and create opportunities for them to help more.
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SPEAKER_03
Remember, you re training them how to behave around you and relate to you.
2
SPEAKER_03
So you re actually doing something right if you have this happening to you all the time.
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SPEAKER_03
I hope that helps and I hope it strengthens your relationships.
2
SPEAKER_03
This week I did a video about how we process input from other people through our own emotional biases and how that leads to anxiety and depression and what we can do about it.
2
SPEAKER_03
A link to this blog post with the show notes can be found at theartofcharm.com slash fmf38.
2
SPEAKER_03
The weekly video will be there.
2
SPEAKER_03
If you re on our email list, it s already in your inbox as well.
2
SPEAKER_03
I hope you all enjoyed that.
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SPEAKER_03
Don t forget you can reach us at Friday at theartofcharm.com.
2
SPEAKER_03
We read everything and we d love to hear from you.
2
SPEAKER_03
Quick shout out to Michael listening in Saudi Arabia and Peter in South Africa.
2
SPEAKER_03
If you re in a strange land listening to my familiar voice, hit me up.
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SPEAKER_03
I ll shout you out.
2
SPEAKER_03
More from AOC at theartofcharm.com.
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SPEAKER_03
Now have a great weekend.
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SPEAKER_03
Get out there and connect and leave everyone better than you found them.