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Time for Fan Mail Friday.
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I m your host, Jordan Harbinger, and I m here with producer Jason DeFilippo.
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We ll be answering your questions and dropping some knowledge and feedback to help you kick the weekend off, right?
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, this isn t a great place to start.
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Most of our content is more in-depth and longer format, so check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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That s where we ve got fundamentals of body language, negotiation, attraction, nonverbal communication, networking, and everything else we teach here at the Art of Charm.
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We ll send you all that to your inbox.
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If you text charmed, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444.
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All right, here we go.
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Dear Jordan, I just got done listening to Fan Mail Friday number 53, Not Crazy for Kinky, and I had a question about the advice you gave the guy who had trouble with an overly kinky girlfriend.
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Actually, my question is more concerned with the concept you expressed in the advice rather than the specific advice itself.
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You stated,
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And at The Art of Charm, one of the things we teach is that men are the gas and women are the brakes, typically and generally when it comes to physical escalation.
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It s not a hard and fast rule.
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This idea of the men are the gas and women are the brakes got me thinking a lot.
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It also reminded me of your previous podcast with Emily Nagoski, where she used the same metaphor.
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I wanted to ask if you could elaborate on this point when it comes to sexual activity inside of a marriage.
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Here s my situation, which I think is applicable to many out there listening and which I wonder if the advice applies.
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My wife of two years, and we re both in our 30s, does not like to have sex anymore.
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She is willing to have sex if I directly or insinuate with physical contact, but it has basically become a chore to her.
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She is unwilling to initiate any sex, and when she does agree to have sex with me, it seems she s doing it begrudgingly.
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Obviously, this is hurtful and frustrating, especially with the marriage still young.
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We do have a child together who is two years old, which I know can be a drain on a marriage s sex life, but I have the feeling that that is only a small part of her reluctance for sex.
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She told me she would be happy to have sex only once a month, which for me is not nearly enough.
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She seems to enjoy it a lot when we are finally having it, but it doesn t seem that she is ever in the mood until I m orally pleasuring her before sex.
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And she is not very active in bed anymore either.
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Well, up until recently, I ve swallowed my pride and had sex with her, even though I knew she was doing it out of a sense of duty more than wanting sex.
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Nowadays, I really want her to initiate, or at the very least, after I initiate physical escalation or insinuate about having sex, have her be the revving engine to go.
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Otherwise, I feel I m better off masturbating.
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And yes, I ve talked about this with her many times with no change.
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So my question is, to what extent are men the gas and women are the brakes?
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In a marriage which fizzles out in the sex department, what are the husband and wife s responsibilities towards making sex happen?
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Should men always initiate?
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Thanks and continue what you re doing.
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Sincerely, Frustrated Hubby.
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Okay, I m not sure what else to say, but you need to see a therapist for sure before this particular pattern does irreparable damage to the relationship or someone cheats, God forbid, to have their needs met.
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Not that that s the only reason people cheat.
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I see this hitting a wall maybe sooner than you think, so be careful here and get it handled.
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Nip it in the bud.
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Hey Jordan, long time listener and fan of the show.
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I love the work and content you put out and it always makes me do some self-analysis on how I can create value for others.
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One thing I ve noticed in my personal life is that when I teach people a skill, hobby, game, et cetera, 99 times out of a hundred, they quickly become better at whatever it is that I taught them.
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Usually this is great, but it also hurts my confidence, especially since I will plateau hard and early.
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Most of the time my confidence gets hit.
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It happens because the person who I was teaching looks down on me.
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Like if I taught someone chess, then they don t want to play with me anymore because they beat me every time.
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One particular moment in my last year of high school, I was telling a friend how I taught another person how to skateboard, and then another person told my friend I was lying because the person who I taught was so much better than me.
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I love helping people improve, but I know that soon after that they will be competing at a higher level than me, and I have a fear that they ll look down on me or just discard me.
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It also becomes hard for me not to compare myself to others when I put more work into something and people quickly overtake me.
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I ve even had people say to me, how are you this bad when you ve been doing XYZ for so long?
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The thing is, I m never going to stop teaching people or trying to help them improve.
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But how can I grow with the people I m helping and get out of my current mindset of, if I teach people blank, they will get better than me and lose interest in me?
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Hey, man, look, I told first of all, story of my life.
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I definitely understand this.
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And you re in this mindset, like you said, of if I teach people X, Y, Z, they re going to get better than me and lose interest in me.
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This reflects more on how you think about yourself than how other people will actually think about you when you re doing it.
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And you re sort of imputing to other people that they judge you based on your performance in these external skill sets.
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And to a certain degree that may be true, it will inform people s opinions of you, but it doesn t speak to your worth as a person.
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And constantly comparing yourself to others skill set wise
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holistically, whatever, it is a recipe for unhappiness.
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And I think we ve discussed this a lot on the show, but it never hurts to repeat that.
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Now remember, another thing that helps me sort of make myself feel better or rationalize this when necessary is look, everybody s got a past.
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that has helped them get good at things maybe better or faster than you.
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So, for example, with podcasting, right?
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I ve been doing this for nine and a half years, and somebody might start a show and instantly be pretty damn good at it.
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And it used to infuriate me, but then I realized, oh, this person s been a stand-up comedian for 10, 15 years.
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Before that, they were acting or singing or whatever.
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Of course they re gonna be good at this.
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There s a lot of overlap in things that they have worked on prior to this.
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Everybody has those skill sets that overlap in certain areas and not in others.
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You may just not be seeing it right now.
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Being truly happy for others, especially when it comes to them getting good at things, is going to be a recipe to make you happier in general, but especially when it comes to the comparison thing, so I encourage you to focus on helping other people achieve victory in this area, especially when we re talking about something as tangible or intangible,
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or as small or petty as one might look at it as external skill sets like skateboarding or video games or learning Chinese or whatever.
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Look, becoming great at something is a pursuit and it s not only facilitated by talent.
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There s an element of hard work and perseverance that you can always have over other people if you re determined to compete with them.
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Look, this is the tortoise
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in the hair.
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We re gonna be doing some shows on this moving forward when it comes to talent being overrated, hint hint, but I will tell you that again, the tortoise and the hare, look, people might start off being better at you at certain things, but if you persevere and you keep going and you achieve mastery in something, you will be good and even great at the things you actually care about.
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not just relatively better than some people in certain skills for whatever reason other than you started earlier.
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And I get it.
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I would warn you strongly against building a sense of self-worth that is based strictly or at least largely around your relative success in certain areas, your relative prowess in certain skills compared to other people.
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That is dangerous and it will make you unhappy all of the time.
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Hey Jordan, love the podcast.
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My question is about a situation that I think comes from my work environment.
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For a little over a year, I ve been working at an engineering firm in my career field.
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It s a good job, but I have one complaint.
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The entire office is quiet nearly all the time.
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I rarely talk to anyone all day long, and if I do, it s almost always work-related.
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I used to make some effort to have conversations, but I m usually lucky if the conversation lasts longer than a minute.
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It seems that the entire office is introverted, myself included, and everyone is just used to this environment.
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I got used to this eventually, but I feel that I m beginning to notice a decline in my conversation skills.
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I ve never been extremely witty or funny, but now I ve noticed that I m having a hard time engaging people in conversation like I used to.
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It almost feels like I m in high school again, stammering over my words and struggling to think of something clever to say.
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How can I work on strengthening these skills again?
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I regularly get together with friends and family, but that only makes up a few hours out of the week.
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The rest of the time, I m alone with my own thoughts.
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Thanks, no one to talk to.
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Hey, no one to talk to.
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Look, I m glad you wrote in.
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This is a deeper problem.
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You say you re introverted, the other people in the office are introverted as well.
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That may be true, but this is a deeper problem other than the office environment.
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You need other social activities.
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Sure, meeting up with your family is great, but as you ve said, it s just not enough.
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Join some meetup groups, join some classes, learn a new skill set, socialize there.
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Who do you eat with?
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Who do you eat lunch with?
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Who do you eat breakfast with?
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Dinner?
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These are the opportunities for you to be social that you might not see right now.
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And at the end of the day, this work environment might not be good for you.
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You may be introverted, but you may not be as introverted as the other people there.
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It seems like that s why you re writing in here.
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And maybe you need to switch environments.
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Nobody says you have to work for that company in that job.
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I would warn you though, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
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So don t leave your job just to make some maybe more friendly coworkers.
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social opportunity elsewhere and indeed you should.
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Guys, first, I love your show.
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It has really inspired me over the past year.
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I would like, with some humility, to send some advice to that vet from the 6th of May show who is having trouble relating to his coworkers and is thinking of getting back in.
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To put it in context, I m a vet who served in the Canadian Army for 26 years.
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I did a couple tours of duty in Bosnia and a couple in Afghanistan, but now I m out and I m working in the civilian sector.
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Getting out and working with civvies is a huge culture shock after being in the structured environment of the military.
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Just a very small example.
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In the military, when the boss calls a meeting for 1 p.m., that means that at 1 p.m., everyone is in the conference room, sitting down, ready to take notes, and the boss starts talking at 1 p.m.
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sharp.
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In the civilian world, 1 p.m.
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means 1-ish, and maybe the meeting will start, eh, maybe around 1.05.
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It can be infuriating.
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And don t get me started on figuring out what to wear each day.
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I totally miss my combat, but my wife helps me out with that.
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I totally understand not being able to relate to your co-workers.
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You are that 1% that served your country and gotten some payback for 9-11.
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You have seen and done things that your new co-workers can only imagine.
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Good for you.
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You rallied the colors, were counted, and survived.
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But that is the past.
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You did it.
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You lived it.
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But now you have a whole life in front of you.
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Isolating yourself from your co-workers is not healthy, and it makes for a long day.
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I would suggest trying to engage them on what they re doing on the weekend or just changing the subject when they start to gossip about the office.
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Soon they ll get the message that you re not the gossipy type.
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Maybe you should look for another company where the atmosphere is more to your liking.
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Now that you are out, it is not a sin to change jobs.
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I hate to say it, but perhaps maybe you have a touch of PTSD and should seek counseling.
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Not being able to relate to others is not a healthy sign.
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If you need to talk to people you can relate to, try getting involved with fellow vets.
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I suggest getting involved with local veterans groups like the Legion.
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Here in Canada, we took it a step further, and some guys smarter than me formed a group called Treble Victor.
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It s not your old-style Legion where the old and bold drink and tell war stories.
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It s a networking organization where those of us in business get together to share ideas, success stories, and opportunities.
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The war story is merely a vehicle to demonstrate how we got things done over there.
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Think about forming or joining a group like that.
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You mentioned getting back in.
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Bad idea, man.
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Like me, you left for a reason and you can never go back.
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It will never be the same.
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Maybe you re missing that camaraderie that comes only from combat or the thrill of war, but you would be going back to a peacetime army.
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That means budget cuts, no or slow promotions, lots of time away from home on exercises, deployments and courses, moving every couple of years and never paying off your mortgage.
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For a single guy, those things are not so bad.
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But the wife and kids are never on the recruiting poster.
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Women these days want careers of their own, and kids will forever be the new kids in school.
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Also, let s be honest here.
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It s no fun getting shot at, and some of the places we served in were total shitholes not worth dying for.
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And we did see some pretty awful things.
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I hated that movie, The Hurt Locker.
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It was all crap, but I totally related to that scene where he s back in the States and bored out of his skull, buying cereal and fixing the gutter.
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But going over a PowerPoint presentation on the battalion s training schedule is just as mundane.
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Talking about films and vets, a great movie is The Best Years of Their Lives.
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It depicts four World War II vets who come back to the States and have to get on with their civilian lives.
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I know it dates from the forties, but some of those themes ring true today.
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If you want to get back into the green, maybe you should think about the reserves.
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You can still serve your country, and you re getting only the best parts of the military and on your terms.
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Dude, getting out is not easy, but you have to get on with your life.
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When you joined the Army, you made a big lifestyle change, and you adjusted and succeeded.
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You can do the same on civvy streets.
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Your best years are not behind you.
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Use the leadership and organizational skills you ve got in the Army to crush it in civilian life.
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Good luck, brother.
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Signed, I hate civvies, but I are one.
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Hey, thank you so much.
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This is really, really useful.
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Canadian Army, U.S.
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Army, I think it all sort of blends together when it comes down to this particular problem, and I really appreciate your input.
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And look, it s cool to hear from the AOC family, regardless of whether or not you ve experienced this in the exact same situation or not, and I would wager that there s a lot of overlap here, and I really appreciate you taking the time to write in
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share your experience dealing with this exact same problem.
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Of course, I can t speak directly to anything military, because I was never in the service, so this is extremely valuable.
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Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
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Hey, Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
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Hey Jordan, long time fan of the show.
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This note applies to the relationship toolbox that you did with Johnny and AJ.
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I really listened and need some specific insight if it s available.
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I have a girlfriend of a few months now and it s getting more serious.
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I noticed that she comes from wealth and is almost 13 years older than me.
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I imagine that because she didn t have a traditional upbringing, this could cause her to be needy at times.
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And I think she s unreliable because she comes from a trust and has never had the pressure of a middle class drive to pay the bills and make a life from scratch.
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I do have strong, positive feelings about her.
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She does have awesome aspects to her personality, such as extraordinary kindness, and she s pretty, and she wasn t willing to have sex with me until the fifth date.
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On top of all this, I have fun with the affection and playtime we have together.
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Today, her dad called me up and warned me that she is unreliable, and he speculates she s a liar as well.
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He seems ill-tempered and ill physically, but sounded sincere on the phone.
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He told me specific stories about her behavior and advised that I should be cautious in determining if she s right as a long-term partner.
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This was somewhat in line with my original thinking, but I was forgiving of my girlfriend s shortcomings in the past.
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I ve really enjoyed the benefits of the relationship, and I m unsure whether this contact from the father was appropriate.
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If so, what does this information mean to me?
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Does it sound like I m using my emotions when I should be thinking logically about the right relationship for me?
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I want the best relationship with a woman and partner for my future.
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I also am a little unsure about going back to the single world when I really love the affection and intimacy of my current situation.
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Please provide whatever insights you can.
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Signed, Anonymous Joe.
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Hey, Anonymous Joe, look, this is yikes.
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Contact from the father, it might not be appropriate here, but really, that is the least of your concerns.
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That doesn t even matter.
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Look, he s either totally insane,
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or he s legitimately warning you about something you need to be aware of.
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I think it s a flag if he s crazy.
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It is unfair to punish your girlfriend if she has a crazy dad.
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I understand that and I agree with that.
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However, do you know the guy?
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Is he rational about everything else?
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Because if so, it sounds like maybe he s got a little something something you should listen to.
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Maybe you should hear him out.
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Have you met him in person and had this conversation?
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Because I would recommend doing that as well.
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Here is a huge red flag though that I think just dominates the entire thread and is just glaring and punching me, reaching through the screen and punching me right in the face.
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You said, and I quote, you re a little unsure about going back to the single world because you really love the affections and intimacy of your current situation.
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I am really inclined right now to ignore almost the entire rest of the email and just focus on that one line, which is so much more important than the rest, because you re basically implying, from the sound of it anyway, that you re willing to ignore.
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a lot of the above advice about this potential disaster because you don t want to be alone.
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That is never, ever, ever, ever a good reason to stay in a relationship, ever.
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I don t know how much more clear I can be on this.
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Staying in a relationship because you find the alternative, namely being single, to be less appealing right now is one of the most terrible decisions you can ever make in your entire life.
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Do not
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I can t do this, I cannot overstate this enough.
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So think about that, forget the rest of the, honestly, forget the rest of the email, you can meet up with her dad in person if you need to hear it, but do not stay with anyone because you re afraid to be single.
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That is just a life-ruining, potentially life-ruining decision.
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Jordan, my best friend, a lady, is obviously in love with me, but won t admit it.
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She s turned into a world-class cockblocker.
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I don t want to cut her out of my life, so I need solutions other than that.
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What do you advise to guys in my situation?
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Signed, Cockblocked.
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Hey, cock block to your situation.
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It s not as odd as you might think.
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It might not be that she s in love with you or something like that.
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Instead, she might be worried you re gonna ditch her as a friend if you get a for-real girlfriend, or even she thinks the women you date aren t up to her standards.
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Let s break things down.
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First, you need to be very clear about setting boundaries.
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You need to let her know that the two of you are not an item.
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And that could be a tough pill to swallow or it could be really obvious truth.
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You re not gonna be an item, it s not gonna happen in the future.
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She needs to get that idea out of her head if it is in there.
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And you can do that either through explicitly talking about it or talking about your dating life a lot.
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I recommend just being explicit initially.
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I think it s important.
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She might even be a little bit insulted, but she ll probably totally understand.
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You might already be on the same page and just not know it.
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And the other thing is being direct is always easier in the end, but it can be tougher in the beginning.
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to make her feel more comfortable about your dating life, be it with who you re dating or whether you re gonna replace her or something like that, you need to have her spend time around the women in your life.
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And this should only be the women in your life that you re serious about.
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You don t have to do this with every single person that comes in.
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She s not vetting your social circle with the opposite sex.
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And she and your girlfriends, they don t have to be best friends.
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Doing things together, double dates, whatever, it s gonna go a long way towards putting her at ease.
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And finally, take time out to let her know that you can never replace her.
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You wouldn t have to say this to your best guy friend, but women are often different in this respect, because this type of loss does happen to women often.
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So it s a credible threat from you, whether or not you intend it to be.
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A lot of guys will replace their close female friends with their girlfriend, and they don t even notice it happening.
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It can be very hurtful for their female friends, especially if you re really close.
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So just be careful there.
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Hope you all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget you can email us Friday at theartofcharm.com to get your questions answered on the air.
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We did a weekly video using emotional filters to our advantage.
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Last week we talked about the concept overall.
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Now we re gonna use them as a persuasion tool.
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A link to this blog post can be found at theartofcharm.com slash fmf62fmf62.
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And of course we have the Art of Charm Challenge at theartofcharm.com slash challenge or text charmed, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444.
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Step by step on how to become a better networker, personal and professional connections, increasing your personal social capital, magnetism, charisma, whatever you want to call it, and it s for guys and gals both.
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So check it out at theartofcharm.com slash challenge or text charmed to 33444.
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Quick shout out to Netta in LA, she s a big AOC fan.
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I recently met in person, really stoked to go get some Lebanese food, which is my favorite, by the way, everybody, just in case you re wondering.
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And Monica, the globe-trotting flight attendant in India at the moment, going through a major life shift these days.
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Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up, I ll shout you out.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com.
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Now stay charming, get out there and connect, and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to the Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.