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Hey everyone, time for Fan Mail Fridays.
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I m your host, Jordan Harbinger, and I m here with producer Jason DeFillippo.
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We ll be answering your questions and dropping some knowledge and feedback to help you kick the weekend off right.
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, this isn t a great place to start.
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Most of our content is more in-depth and longer format, so check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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There we ve got the fundamentals of body language and nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, and everything else we teach here at The Art of Charm.
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We ll send all of this to your inbox if you text CHARMED, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444.
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All right, let s cut to it.
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Hey AOC, I ve been listening to your podcast for six months now and have gained valuable knowledge in the realm of social dynamics.
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I ve recommended your podcast to multiple friends looking to increase their social activity.
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So thank you for all that you do.
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I hope you would do me the favor of giving me your take on dealing with success anxiety.
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Long story short, I come from humble beginnings and aspire to break the cycle of living paycheck to paycheck and being a victim of the loss of control that my family has let themselves fall victim to.
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I m 22 years old and at a point where I need to start giving 100% towards my goals.
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Yet, I feel a disconnect and struggle with being able to quote-unquote let go, live in the moment, and be fully present in situations such as spontaneously going out with friends or doing things that were not scheduled in my plan of the day that would deviate from achieving my goals.
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I m constantly thinking about how my decisions will affect me the next day.
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For example, not getting enough sleep or being inefficient during my 5 a.m.
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daily workout due to the previous day s deviations from my planned day.
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read this email.
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I love your content and hope to hear from you soon.
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Best regards, Successful of Anxiety.
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I totally understand what you mean here.
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I m not gonna tell you to ditch your friends and outgrow everyone and blow everybody else off, because this is really only a problem if it interferes with other goals, like having friends in general.
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If you plan for success with those, like only going out on weekends or going out but not drinking so you can sleep and work out, you ll be fine.
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It s just gonna be harder to find balance.
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I m not gonna say,
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ditch your friends, and I m also not gonna say don t worry about your goals and your growth.
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I think they re both important, but you just have to find that balance, and I know that sounds sort of like trite advice, but you re doing the right thing.
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You re worrying about how your decisions will affect you the next day.
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It doesn t mean you can t go out and have fun.
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It just means you re gonna have to resist a little bit more, and you re gonna face some peer pressure from your friends who want you to drink and stay out too late, but eventually, they re gonna respect it.
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And if they don t, then you can make a decision about taking quote unquote harsher action later on if necessary.
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But nothing drastic just yet.
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You gotta realize, even when you re my age, 36, you re gonna meet people that say, oh man, you don t have to get up early and work out, why don t you work out in the afternoon?
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Or why don t we go eat something unhealthy right now?
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or everybody else goes out and eats something unhealthy and you re the guy eating salad.
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I mean, it s just the way that you ve got to live if you want to be a weirdo like me and maybe still have some of your old friends that you grew up with.
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Nothing wrong with that.
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I was shocked, shocked at the advice you gave to the Virgin to just get it done and that it s not a big deal or a load of crap pushed on him by his religious system.
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You would have left the virgin a better person by having encouraged them for holding out and avoiding all the baggage you take from relationship to relationship when you have sex with each relationship.
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Not harping, but seriously disappointed.
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Hey, so I totally understand here.
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And look, I talked to you earlier, the same person who wrote in, and turns out he s religious.
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Surprise, surprise.
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I guessed that and that came out right away.
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It s a good dissenting opinion, though.
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I respect it.
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Everybody has a different opinion on this thing.
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I m just telling you how I feel.
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The reason he asked me for my advice is because he probably knew that that was coming.
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What I ve noticed, and I m not just going to harp and label only religious people with this, I noticed that anybody, and myself included, frankly, when we have a certain doctrine which we strongly, strongly believe in, we tend to think that advice given to other people is wrong or bad if it s not according to that same doctrine.
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There s no surprise here.
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I mean, somebody who maybe has a religious belief is going to think somebody like me who doesn t and gives advice like I did last week, where waiting till marriage to have sex is something that I think doesn t matter.
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Of course, that s going to seem shocking and different.
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But look, I don t think we re talking at cross purposes.
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I think we re on different pages.
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And I do disagree that you get more baggage from sex than you do from a regular relationship without it.
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I think you get less, especially if you re placing such a high value on not having had sex or whatever in previous relationships.
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This is especially true from the male perspective.
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There s a shame involved from not doing it.
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And yes, in a religious world like Jonathan s who wrote in with this,
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maybe there isn t, maybe in fact there s something to be said for, wow, he s still a virgin until marriage, but in Gilly s world, what we re talking about right now, and in his mind, more importantly, there isn t.
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So any advice that you or I give, it just doesn t matter.
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Once this advice enters Gilly s head and Gilly s reality, then that s the only thing that matters.
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Really, it doesn t matter what your beliefs are or what mine are.
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I will say though, he asked me for advice on this, specifically because he knew what kind of person I was.
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He didn t ask me for advice on this because he knew I would back up his religious beliefs or those of his parents.
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So I think we have to keep that in mind.
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Whenever people give advice, oftentimes it might be bad advice according to you, but it might be great advice according to other folks, including the person who asked for it in the first place.
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That might be a little confusing, but I think maybe most of you are with me.
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Anyway, moving right along.
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He dragged his feet for over a month after I asked him what salary the company would offer me to take the job.
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He finally gave me a salary range, $120,000 to $130,000, quote unquote, based on experience and roles.
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Four months ago, the company promoted another developer to be the development manager of a different team.
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Knowing that he pays that other guy, my would-be direct peer, $130,000, I told my boss that I believed I deserved at least $130,000, because I would have the same if not more responsibility as my would-be peer, and because I ve also been working here longer than my peer.
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I ve worked here for three years, and the peer has worked here only one.
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The peer and I are about the same age, with presumably the same number of years working as developers.
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My boss wants to have a conversation with me about my salary expectations.
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He said that $130k would be the top of the range and that he just wants to quote unquote talk through it with me.
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I get the feeling he doesn t want to give me $130k.
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I m single with no children, no mortgage, very little consumer debt and a car payment.
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I currently have the highest salary I ve ever made and this is also the least stressful job I ve ever had.
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I m pretty happy as I am, but more money wouldn t hurt.
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I don t really want to manage a job, but my boss has asked several times, and everyone I know says that I would be an outstanding manager.
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Am I wrong to refuse the job if it does not pay $130,000?
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From my point of view, it s not that much more than what I make now, and I would likely lose my technical skills eventually, which might make me less marketable should I ever need to leave this company.
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I think that if he offers me less than what he currently pays my less experienced male counterpart, it must mean that he doesn t value me as much as he values that other guy.
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And perhaps I should go to HR and ask why I m not being offered the same compensation.
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Am I out of line?
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What would you do?
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Thank you for your input.
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Aria.
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Hey, Aria, look, what you need to do right now is ask yourself if you want the money and the hassle more than you want the job you have now.
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I think you already know the answer to that question.
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Look, you can turn it down if you don t get the 130K.
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Why take another job that you don t want as much for what you consider to be pennies more?
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You re not valuing your happiness or future marketability in this equation.
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What I m hearing is, well, the dollars, and well, I don t really want to do this, but the dollars.
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you re not adding in happiness, which it seems like you re gonna be miserable if you take this other job, so keep that in mind.
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And future marketability, look, if you hate the job that you re in and you wanna switch, but you haven t been coding or been on the tech side for a while, and you feel like you re less valuable going back to something you enjoy, that is a factor you need to take into consideration.
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A lot of people don t do that.
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They go, oh, managerial position, automatically good.
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They get a little raise, they hate it, and then they wanna go back to a technical field, and they go, oh, crap, I m five years behind.
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I m three years behind.
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Or in a technical field, I m six months to a year behind.
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That can make a difference.
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So you need to calculate that when you look at this so-called promotion and factor in not only your future marketability, but your happiness as well as the salary bump.
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And I think you already know the answer to this question just based on the happiness calculation alone.
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Hi Jordan, I love what you and your staff do every episode.
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I know this may sound crazy but I was in a tough situation this past weekend and didn t really know what to do.
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I think the worst thing is that I feel like a coward.
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I m 35 and I ve been with my girlfriend who s 33 for 9 months now and it s been great.
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I really love her and desperately need her.
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want to get engaged soon.
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We recently traveled out of town to her cousin s wedding and stayed with her mom and brother.
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Her brother is 28 and had to move back in with his mom after failing out of school and becoming addicted to cocaine.
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He smokes pot all day and works a job that doesn t pay him well.
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Myself, my girlfriend, her brother, mother, cousin, and grandmother were all sitting in the living room drinking wine and talking.
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Everything was going great until everyone started drinking more and getting louder.
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It happened so quickly it s difficult to describe.
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It was 11 p.m.
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and my girlfriend s brother made himself ramen and then casually mentioned to the group that he hadn t eaten all day.
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My girlfriend loudly asked, are you on drugs?
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You re not eating all day and staying out until 2 a.m.?
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You re acting like you re on drugs?
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Then my girlfriend s mom freaked out and started yelling at my girlfriend s brother and then her brother started yelling at all of them.
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I was just sitting there with my girlfriend s grandmother trying to decide if I needed to step in and say something to try and neutralize the situation.
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My girlfriend went to the kitchen and started to cry, so I went in there and held her.
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She said that she didn t want to stay there, so we gathered our luggage and drove to stay the night at her cousin s house.
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While we were there, my girlfriend told me, while she was in the kitchen, her brother got in her face and was saying mean things to her.
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I didn t see this take place because it was before I got to the kitchen, but when she told me, I felt guilty for not doing anything or realizing what was going on.
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My girlfriend said she felt bullied and I felt sick that I let it happen.
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I felt like this has caused her not to trust me because I didn t do anything when her brother was getting physical with her, but it happened so fast and I was not in the kitchen to see it happen.
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I m a lawyer and looking back on it, I wish that I had stood up as soon as people started yelling at each other and try to mediate the situation.
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I ve broken up fights at my old bar, so I m not afraid to get physical.
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But how do you know as an outsider when to engage your significant other s family when they start having a drunken domestic incident?
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Thanks for everything you do, Henry.
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Hey, Henry.
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Wow.
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This is quite a mess.
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Look.
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I would say you couldn t help it.
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You weren t in the kitchen.
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She s gotta understand that.
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Now, at some level, this is more of a feeling versus logic thing, but I would imagine it s kind of unreasonable for anybody to assume, hey, you should have known telepathically that this was happening, and frankly,
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You do have to keep an eye on him.
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He probably needs rehab, but you gotta look at it this way.
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Who else in the house is enabling him?
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She s probably used to it.
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It s probably not the first time he s gotten in her face.
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She needs to obviously keep her distance from him, and you, frankly, may wish to keep distance from him and especially the house, or I should say the house and especially him.
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You can t control the inner workings of the family.
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You can t, and you shouldn t.
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But you can limit contact and keep things safe.
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You interfering would be a problem because you don t have authority in that situation and you ll probably just get usurped by whoever in the house is letting him get away with all his crap.
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Namely...
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his mom, and probably your girlfriend to some extent as well, or she s also powerless.
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If she s powerless, look, you re powerless by proxy.
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My mom would have kicked me out of the house a long time ago if I were doing what this kid is doing.
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I d have been sent to rehab or whatever, jail, whatever, but definitely not sitting around abusing my family members.
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The fact that he s able to do that should tell you everything you need to know about who has the power and control in that situation, and it s not you.
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Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
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Right now, Kajabi is offering a free 30-day trial to start your business if you go to kajabi.com slash charm.
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That s K-A-J-A-B-I dot com slash charm.
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Go to kajabi.com slash charm and join the creators and entrepreneurs who have made over $7 billion.
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Hey, Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
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Winning is an everyday mindset, and Craig Robinson and John Calipari are here to help.
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On Ways to Win podcast, Craig and Coach Cal use their on-court wisdom to solve your off-court problems.
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Whether it s trouble at home or a workplace dilemma, the coaches will help you find a winning formula for success.
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You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
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Hey AOC, I recently started listening to the podcast and love what you re doing.
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I ve been struggling with work for the last few weeks and have slowly slipped into a situation that I am trying to get out of.
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You see, I was in the army for five years and deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan.
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After the army, I used my GI bill for law school and now I m working at a cushy corporate career with a bank in Charlotte.
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The work is okay, not particularly exciting or challenging, but it pays well and I don t get stressed out.
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I m struggling with fitting in with my co-workers.
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We re all roughly the same age, but our life experiences are completely different.
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While they were finding themselves in school, I was deployed in hostile environments leading men and women in combat.
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I used to be a leader in the military, and I m now just one of the other workers.
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I m struggling with a desire to lead, but not wanting to be, quote unquote, a that guy.
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It s worse because my role is non-management and it s unlikely to develop into a management role.
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While most of my co-workers enjoy gossiping and office games while they re at work, I m more of the type that prefers to work hard and leave the office when I m done.
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I don t really socialize with my co-workers at all, partly because I don t view them as peers and partly because I don t want to participate in these little office games.
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I m struggling with no longer being in charge and trying to reduce my ambition to better fit in with my colleagues, even though I ve experienced so much more and am too ambitious to stay comfortable.
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The situation has made me want to switch jobs and maybe even return to the military.
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What do you suggest that I do?
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Lawrence and Charlotte.
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Hey, Lawrence, I understand this to a certain degree.
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Look, I ve never transitioned to a civilian role from a military one, but I can tell you, it sounds like this might be an anomaly and not just, I can t fit it in the civilian world type of situation.
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It seems like a bad cultural fit for you, personally, and you can probably find work with other vets.
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It might be a little tricky at first, but it is possible.
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You can also start your own business, however this is far more difficult than people asking, would you like to start a business online would have you believe.
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You might also find it better, you might find a better fit in a different field.
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Some place with a better meritocracy versus something that s a little bit more soft skill oriented.
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I m not sure this advice is gonna leave you with a lot of action, but I will tell you that you can look for other positions, like I said, with other vets, something with a little more of a technical field, possibly, that might have a better meritocracy, and you could and should start a side gig.
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Chris Gullabo s book, he was on the show a while ago, is good for that.
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You can learn some of the basics of starting your own gig.
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That way, if you really hate the civilian world, after a few years, you won t need it anymore.
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Hi Jordan, so I need your help.
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I ve never been the most socially competent person, especially when it comes to relationships, but now that I m older, more confident, et cetera, I feel like I m in a better place, but there is one thing I don t know how to handle, and your guidance would be greatly appreciated.
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I had breast cancer at 26.
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I did all the chemo, radiation, and a bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction.
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I m good now and healthy, and that was six years ago.
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My question is, how do I tell a guy about this?
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Like, at some point it s super obvious, but I d rather it not be a surprise.
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Most people aren t aware that surgery to get rid of breast cancer isn t like a pretty cosmetic boob job.
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I ve got scars that will never fully go away, no nipples, and my boobs are far from perfectly symmetrical.
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I honestly don t care.
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I ve gotten so used to it and look totally normal with clothes on, but that almost makes it more challenging.
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When and how do I tell a guy about this?
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I mean, honestly, if he s going to grab anything, and let s be real, that can happen way before actual sex, it s fairly obvious something is different about me.
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I ve briefly dated a few guys in the past six years, handled it differently each time, and I think it freaked them out.
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And I can t blame them.
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I m about to move from the middle of nowhere Illinois to Hong Kong.
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I can t wait to be in a new place where real social
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life can exist.
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But I want to have a plan in place on how to handle this before I m in the moment.
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Any advice is welcome.
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Love your show.
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I binge listen.
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Thanks so much and hope to hear from you.
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Elaine.
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and this is such a guy thing and probably not representative of the same type of advice I might give a guy in the same situation, but look, my gut says spring it on them the first time you hook up.
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I know that sounds like terrible advice.
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A lot of people are going, what, Jordan, what are you talking about?
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Look, it s none of their business before then.
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You re probably gonna hook up with a guy after a few days.
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You don t need to disclaim yourself.
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And so what?
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Most guys won t care.
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They ll be curious, if anything.
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And they re not gonna know how they ll react until they see you anyway.
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So there s really no point in giving them this advanced warning where you re clearly worried about it.
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Now they should maybe be worried about it.
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I can bounce this off other folks, and you can as well, but I m just thinking this isn t as much of a big deal as you think it is.
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If I started hooking up with somebody and their boobs were all mangled up, I mean, to put it in as crude a fashion as possible, I just wouldn t care that much.
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I mean, it just doesn t matter.
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Look, I see your picture here.
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You re a cutie pie.
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Don t let this get in the way of your dating life.
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I know it s got a little bit of a hit to your self-esteem,
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Come on, I mean, you re more than just a rack, okay?
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Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed that, and I hope that was helpful, Elaine.
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Sorry, it s a little more crude than I m used to, but that s how I genuinely feel from the gut as a dude.
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Don t forget, you can email us, fridayattheartofcharm.com to get your questions answered on the air, and I did a weekly video about something called the note card exercise.
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It s gonna help you with networking, especially if you re the type of person that thinks they don t know anyone important, or you don t know enough people, et cetera.
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A link to this blog post with the video can be found at theartofcharm.com slash fmf61.
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We ve also got the Art of Charm Challenge at theartofcharm.com slash challenge or text charmed, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444.
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We ll take you step by step, becoming a better networker, making better personal and professional connections.
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We ll also increase your personal social capital and charisma.
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It s for both guys and gals, so check it out at theartofcharm.com slash challenge or text charmed, that s C-H-I-R-M-E-D.
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That s C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 3-3-4-4-4.
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Quick shout out to Brushy Bear and Flossy Fox who make kid songs about dental hygiene as cartoon characters.
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They re both fans of AOC.
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Totally random find, totally random shout out.
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Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up and I ll shout you out.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com.
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Now stay charming, get out there and connect, and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to the Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.