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Time for Fan Mail Fridays, where we ll be answering your questions and dropping some knowledge and feedback to help you kick the weekend off right.
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, this isn t the best place to start.
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Most of our content is much more in-depth and longer format.
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So check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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There we ve got the fundamentals of body language, nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, and everything else we teach here at The Art of Charm.
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Alright, let s cut to it.
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Alright, our first question this week.
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How should I deal with overwhelming envy I feel toward people whom I perceive as better than me in some way?
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If I listen to a great musician, I become overwhelmed with envy.
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I realize that I will probably never be as great a musician, and it makes me feel almost sick with envy.
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Same thing happens when I watch a movie.
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If an actress is more beautiful than I am, and they almost always are, I feel envious in that it s incredibly unfair that I m not as beautiful as they are, that I could never experience being that beautiful.
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I m generally a very envious person, and I feel like it s poisoning my life.
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First of all, props for having the guts to ask this.
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A lot of people would never put themselves on the line to mention as much, and it s not a flattering thing, so I totally understand where you re coming from.
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The good news is that realizing this envy is destructive is a great first step towards trying to change your mindset here.
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I m around tons of great people who are super smart, they re super successful, and they re often obsessed with comparing themselves to others and feeling like the other guy or girl has some sort of unfair advantage.
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This has helped their competitive spirit, but it has also gone way off the reservation and makes them pretty bitter and angry, no matter what they themselves achieve, which is really disappointing to everyone around them, that s for sure, and to themselves.
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Some people get this behavior from their parents, and others learn it someplace else along the way, especially if you re a high achiever that is now surrounded by other high achievers, but didn t necessarily grow up that way.
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You find yourself in this new competitive environment that you re not used to, and it s really easy to, instead of being the smartest kid in school, be somewhere in the middle of the pack, and it s not a good feeling if that s what you re used to.
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So the key here is to break the cycle and focus on your own talents and your own achievements.
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Forget about others for now.
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The problem with comparison is we re always comparing our blooper reel with someone else s highlight reel.
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It s only distracting and it ll eventually drain you and become a huge obstacle to your happiness.
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It sounds like you know that already or we wouldn t even be having this conversation.
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But for lots of folks who find they re doing the same, it s a matter of habit.
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For some of us though, therapy is the way to go.
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Especially something like maybe cognitive behavioral therapy.
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The only person who can see if that s right for you is you though.
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And that needs to be done in concert with your regular therapist if you have one.
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So if this seems like something that s taking over your life or already has, go seek some help with it.
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It ll be life changing.
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Jordan, I m writing you as one of my last hopes because we listen to your show here in Syria, which might surprise you.
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I know you are connected and you know many people in your country, so perhaps you can connect us with the right people somehow.
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Thank you!
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We are a group of Syrians in Aleppo.
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Our government is bombing us with explosive barrels.
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Russia is now bombing us too.
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The rebels are weak and they fight with ISIS so they are useless and can t protect us.
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We don t want to migrate to Turkey or Europe.
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We love our country and we want to stay here.
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So what should we do to deal with the air raids?
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It s the real problem.
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We can deal with other things.
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We want practical ideas and advice like how to build good shelters and trenches, or what is the best place in the building where we can have a bigger chance of surviving if it collapses, et cetera.
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Jordan, I know you cannot provide this directly, but maybe you know someone that can help us.
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Please, it s a matter of life and death.
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Wow, originally I was not sure if I would post this question.
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It s super random, but I m flattered that you entrusted me with this task, and I want to make sure that you re checking your email inbox.
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So I ve replied there.
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I m going to connect you with some military and special forces people here on my end that can help give you some basic knowledge via the internet.
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It s not perfect, but it s better than nothing and may potentially save your lives and that of your family and your neighbors.
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I wish you the best of luck as your situation right now is dire and the entire world is watching.
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Please keep in touch if you can and let us know if you re safe.
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I m glad to hear we have AOC fans all the way over in Syria and that you re still listening to my voice even though you re in fear of your life.
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That really means a lot to me and has given me a lot to think about as well.
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And yesterday I called up a friend of the show, Sean Rafferty.
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He s a Marine.
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He served overseas and we wanted to get his expert advice on what he thought that they should do.
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All right, yeah, so I just want to say how bad I feel for the innocent civilians caught in this and my heart goes out to you guys.
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So my first piece of advice to you is to leave the city and go out into the countryside.
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I know you don t want to do that, but that to me, that s an easy fix, a temporary easy fix.
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This is my second piece of advice.
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If you must stay in the city is you got to dig some type of bunker behind your building or house that you live in.
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You want to make sure
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to have a high berm around and some type of roof to provide some protection against shrapnel and debris from any close bomb hits.
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Now be cognizant that a 1,000-pound bomb has a lethal blast radius of 30 meters and an effective casualty radius of over 200 meters.
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So when you build this bunker, you want to make sure to build it as far away as possible from your building or any other close targets that may be routinely targeted by the Russians or the Syrians.
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So when you build this bunker, you re not going to have all this construction material that a professional will have, but you just want to dig as deep a hole as you can, put some sandbags or some
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or put like a thick layer of dirt berm around the top of it and then put some type of roofing over top of the hole so this could be some aluminum or some type of metal flat metal some type of wood even if you have planks or whatever you want to put some type of roofing over that and then cover that with some sandbags or
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some more dirt.
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Now you just got to be cognizant that if you if there s a direct hit on that on the top of that roof or even close that you know the roof can cave in on you while you re in there so you just got to be prepared to that.
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And the reason why you want to put this layers of dirt and sandbags on top of the roof is to provide you know once again protection from any kind of debris or shrapnel associated with the bomb blast because there s going to be a lot
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Now, what you could do, too, is once you build that little bunker and back behind wherever you re staying at, you can kind of dig a trench leading from your building or your house or whatever directly into the bunker.
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So that way, if you know an attack is getting ready to happen,
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You can just get low and go on a trench and then get into your bunker.
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And basically what you want to do too is if you hear of any kind of approaching helicopters, planes, or if you get some advance warning of a potential attack, you want to immediately try to get out to that bunker as fast as you can.
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Now my third piece of advice is to basically, I know you don t want to do this, but get out of the country because this will only get worse.
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Remember ISIS will not stop, so that means the Russians and the Syrians will level the city trying to take them out.
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And then they re going to send in ground troops to finish the job.
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So think of the battle of Stalingrad.
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If you re unsure about what happened there, just do a quick Google search.
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You ll see it was a pretty bad battle.
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To me, this is the best course for guaranteed survival because this will not get any better for a long, long time.
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Well, that is not our usual topic, but we try to give advice wherever we can, so thank you, Sean.
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And this, frankly, was a question we just simply could not ignore in good conscience.
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Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
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They say if you do what you love, you never work a day in your life.
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That s why you need Kajabi.
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Kajabi makes it easy to run your entire online business from one platform so you can focus on what you love, creating.
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No matter your niche, Kajabi makes it easy to turn your skills, passions, and experiences into enriching online courses, exclusive membership sites, subscription podcasts, thriving communities, personalized coaching, and more.
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The best part?
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So keep 100% of what you earn.
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And with Kajabi, you also get robust analytics, easy payment options, email marketing tools, and customizable website templates, all built in.
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You don t even need a huge audience to make sustainable income.
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There are thousands of creators on Kajabi making six and seven figures with less than 50,000 followers.
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Right now, Kajabi is offering a free 30-day trial to start your business if you go to kajabi.com slash charm.
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That s K-A-J-A-B-I dot com slash charm.
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Go to Kajabi.com slash charm and join the creators and entrepreneurs who have made over seven billion dollars.
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Hey Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
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Winning is an everyday mindset, and Craig Robinson and John Calipari are here to help.
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On Ways to Win podcast, Craig and Coach Cal use their on-court wisdom to solve your off-court problems.
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Whether it s trouble at home or a workplace dilemma, the coaches will help you find a winning formula for success.
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You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
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Shift gears a little bit.
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What s next?
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Dear Jordan, I took a boot camp and I can honestly say that my social life is looking up.
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More than that, I have a totally different perspective on things.
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It s like a huge breath of fresh air in my life.
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Unfortunately, there s been a side effect of this.
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I kind of hate my friends now.
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I feel like there s a huge gulf between me and them.
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They seem really negative, self-destructive, and unpleasant to be around.
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Am I just a jerk, or were they always like this?
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Signed, Bad Friend.
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Hey listen, I m not going to say that it s common for dudes to hate their friends after taking our bootcamps, but all men are different.
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Here s what I think is going on, taking your story at face value.
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Before you did the bootcamp, you were probably like a lot of these guys.
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Those same guys you re complaining about now.
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Doing the bootcamp gave you a bit of perspective, and perhaps more importantly, a greater tendency to notice your own flaws.
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So what you re seeing in your friends is not so much them, but the parts of yourself that you didn t like.
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So what do I recommend?
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Short of getting your friends to sign up for bootcamp, which they totally should do, try to lead by example,
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Don t tell them what you learned at bootcamp.
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Show them how effective it is once you put it into action.
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Fewer things are going to motivate them to change any faster than showing them how effective you have become as a result of putting in the effort.
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If you make it about them, their achievement or lack thereof, and their ego, you will never motivate them to action.
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Hey Jordan, basically I feel like I was more fun when I was single versus how I am now.
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I m in a relationship and still want to add value, but I m realizing right now that it s my own baggage making me feel that way.
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Still, I feel like if you could just touch on this, it could help me and a lot of listeners.
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Do you really read everything?
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Signed, Francis.
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Yep, I do read pretty much everything.
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I m not sure if you were more fun, or if you were, it was because you were motivated by the outcome of meeting people versus just being authentic and adding value.
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And that s okay.
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It takes more work to get back on the horse and internalize those social skills we re talking about here and teaching on the show.
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Now, the outcome will simply be to be present and have fun with your friends.
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Personally, I find that outcome or agenda a lot easier than going out to chase girls, but that could just be me.
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In fact, I was never really that good at meeting women until I actually got into the mindset of being present and having fun with my friends.
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So meditate on this, grasshopper.
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Dear Jordan, I love the podcast, love your philosophy on dating, and love reading your articles on Made Man.
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Here s the thing, though.
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I m the quintessential nice guy.
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I treat women with respect, open doors, hold out chairs, pick up the tab at dates, and shower them with gifts.
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I also can t get girls in bed, let alone long-term girlfriends.
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Even when I have a girlfriend, it usually doesn t end well.
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What I m getting at is, don t girls really love jerks?
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Signed, good guy Greg.
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Hey Greg, in a word, no.
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A longer answer is that some girls do, but they aren t the girls you want to be dating.
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You haven t given me a lot to go on, but I can already see a few problem areas for you.
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First, there s nothing wrong with being a gentleman.
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In fact, I think that, if anything, women love men who treat them right.
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Forget women.
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People in general like others who make them feel good about themselves.
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Showing respect is a good way to do that.
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But I suspect that you re often picking women who don t have a lot of respect for themselves.
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And if they don t, they re not going to accept that you do.
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I d urge you to pay more attention to what type of women you want to date and not to just take anything that gives you a number.
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Be more selective.
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And finally, being a man and being a nice guy are not mutually exclusive.
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At the Yard of Charm, we love nice guys, but you need to respect yourself as well.
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Don t let women or anyone treat you badly.
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The second they start showing disrespect, just move on.
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Showering someone with gifts before they ve given you a reason to is a sure way to come off as low value and not earn their respect.
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We did an entire show on this called No More Mr. Nice Guy.
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It s one of our best of, it s on the best of page, and you should absolutely have a listen.
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The link will be in the show notes for this fan mail Friday.
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Dear Jordan, me and my girlfriend are definitely an opposites attract type of scenario.
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I m a super buttoned down corporate guy.
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She s got cheek piercings and a face tattoo or two.
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There s really no stress on our relationship from it.
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We get that we re not like the other one and we live with it.
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My question is pretty specific.
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I basically avoid all company functions at work or make up excuses for why I want to go alone.
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I m not embarrassed by her as such.
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I m mostly afraid of what other people are going to think about it.
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Any advice for a guy in my situation?
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Signed, Mild Loves Wild.
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Hey, Mr. Mild, you re right.
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This is a pretty specific conundrum.
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I m not sure how many corporate types have girlfriends with face tattoos, but the one thing that s happening more and more in the world these days is that straight-laced dudes with alternative girlfriends are becoming more commonplace, and vice versa for that matter.
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So let s talk about what s really going on here.
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You think that your girlfriend s appearance could negatively impact your position at work.
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Look, I don t live in a world of fairy tales and gumdrops, so I understand that in the world we live in, people are judged by their appearance.
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So here s my advice.
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First, be honest with her.
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She s not stupid, man.
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She gets it.
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Second, ask her if she even wants to go.
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I don t get the feeling that your super tattooed and pierced girlfriend even wants to hang out at your corporate shadoos.
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Third, if she does want to go, in as non-judgmental a way as possible, mention that you wear whatever you wear there, because there are sort of these formal events.
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No need to try and tell her what to wear.
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She gets it.
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She s not stupid, again.
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At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself, which is more important to you?
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Is it your girl or your career?
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You can probably manage both if you do it right.
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Your happiness is what matters most in the end, and so it s not a question that I can answer for you.
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Good luck with that.
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Blog post of the week is called What To Do When Your Job Sucks.
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We re gonna give you a little bit of a framework on how to deal with it now, make the best of it, finding other areas of fulfillment to keep you fulfilled, and also a job search strategy so you can move up and out of your job that sucks.
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So a link to the blog post will be found.
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at theartofcharm.com slash FMF for Fan Mail Friday 34.
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That s theartofcharm.com slash FMF 34.
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Hope you all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget you can reach us at Friday at theartofcharm.com.
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We read everything.
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We d love to hear from you.
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Quick shout out to Taylor working over in Haiti listening to the AOC podcast and Gabriel who caught a few episodes on his way to North Korea.
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Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up, I ll shout you out.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com.
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Now have a great week, get out there and connect, and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to The Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and everything for the extraordinary man at theartofcharmpodcast.com.