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All right, time for Fan Mail Friday, where we ll be answering your questions and dropping some knowledge and feedback to help you kick the weekend off, right?
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, this isn t a great place to start.
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Most of our content is more in-depth and longer format, so check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the Fundamentals Toolbox, theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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That s where we ve got the fundamentals of body language and nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, and everything else we teach here at the Art of Charm.
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All right, let s cut to it.
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Brian writes, how do I trust myself?
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Do you have any advice on how to trust yourself?
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I listen to and read a lot of motivational podcasts and books, but I m still having trouble trusting myself and following my plans, especially when finances are concerned.
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Do you have any suggestions how to just go with your gut?
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You know, Brian, first of all, thanks for writing it.
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It takes a lot of guts to write in and talk about not trusting yourself.
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And it s funny because you re talking about money issues here.
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And what we know just from working with people over the years and looking at some studies to this effect is people are more willing to talk about their sex life than they are about money.
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So kudos for reaching out for help on this one.
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For me personally, trusting yourself is about collecting experiences and knowing your capabilities and then pointing to that track record of success.
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It s not actually about trusting your gut.
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It s not about willpower.
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It s about trying things, failing,
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fixing what you ve failed in.
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This is why the sort of failure trend is something I m not really that big on.
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Yes, I get it.
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Fail faster, fail forward, fail whatever.
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But the failure itself makes no difference and has zero benefit unless you re actually fixing and learning from the experience.
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So you need to, yes, fail here and there, but you need to figure things out, which is more important.
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and that will get you knowing your capabilities.
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Once you solve a problem, you can solve a similar problem, and once you have enough experiences of solving similar problems, you start to build that track record of success, and then you don t need your gut, you don t need willpower, you know from experience.
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Yes, trusting yourself is not about not making mistakes.
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It s about making plenty of mistakes, figuring out what those mistakes are, how to avoid them, and then being able to do things right.
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So now, given my experience, say, in business, we still make lots of mistakes, but we know not to make the same mistakes twice, and we can take our collected knowledge over the past decade or so of business
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and apply them to decisions now, and we end up being able to trust that our decisions are correct because we ve done similar things in the past, and we know that when we haven t done things right, they haven t worked out.
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So I hope that makes sense, but don t rely on your gut.
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You re not gonna build your gut.
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You re not gonna build willpower.
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You re gonna build experience, and that s, when you re young especially, that s what you need to trust yourself.
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This one comes from Dr. Henry.
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I m a big fan, but just some constructive criticism on a recent Fan Mail Friday about dating a heroin addict a few weeks ago.
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As a doctor who cares for many patients with current or previous addiction disorders, this is a very difficult subject.
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One thing we learn in our training is know what we don t know and having humility at all times.
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At the same time, when I talk to my friends, it s one way, but when I recognize something of a medical or mental health disorder, I usually switch mental gears.
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My advice would have been to get some help with a counselor before breaking off the relationship.
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This relationship might be the only hope for her to get on the right track.
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An addiction counselor or group may have provided the guidance to be healthy and provide her a solid chance for recovery.
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Either way, it s a difficult subject, but in general, be careful when it comes to mental health, addiction, or areas that you do not have the background in.
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Seemingly subtle things can make a big difference in guiding these situations.
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Great work.
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It s amazing how many people you can and do help.
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All the best.
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You know, this is true.
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It s funny because when I get these letters, I m only thinking, what would I advise a friend of mine?
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But I don t obviously have a medical background and I don t have a counseling background.
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So there s got to be a line that I draw where it says, OK, I don t know what I m talking about here.
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But even if I would advise someone to do something one way,
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I have to think about the person who s affected by my advice, not just the person that writes in.
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So I think Dr. Henry s right.
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When it comes to what I think he should do for himself, I gave him great advice in my opinion.
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But when it comes to what s healthiest for both parties, I had not thought about that.
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So definitely next time I get something like this, I might end up calling Dr. Henry or Dr. Drew or somebody.
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to help figure this out from a medical perspective rather than just an advice perspective.
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Because I try to think about how I would advise friends or family, but I don t think about anything from a medical or counseling background because I don t have one.
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So thanks, Dr. Henry, for pointing that out.
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That will serve many people really well in the future.
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Shea writes, regarding episode 443, I have a position on, quote unquote, keeping the wife at home that I don t think I ve heard from anyone else.
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My wife and I agree that I go to work and she stays at home.
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Our life isn t about my work.
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Our life is what we do together, her and I, us and our kids, etc.
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Therefore, she has the important job and I m just the monkey who brings home the paycheck to enable our life together.
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As a society, we are placing our values in the wrong place when women feel left out when left at home, or even when we use the phrase left at home.
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I m honestly confused as to why women, or anyone, would be envious of our rat race.
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I wish I didn t have to go out to work.
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I wish I could stay home with her and build our life together 24-7.
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The money requirement makes at least one of us step outside our circle on a daily basis.
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And honestly, I don t care if I spend that time meeting with the CEOs of major corporations or hanging off the back of a garbage truck all day.
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I simply need to bring home enough bacon.
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We are fortunate that we can have a fairly comfortable life on a single income.
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If I had my choice, and I believe that if she had her choice, we would subtract me from the workforce rather than add her to it.
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If empire building is more important than those you love, you diminish the importance of those relationships and cause the toxic reactions to phrases like staying at home.
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She s not staying at home.
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She s keeping the home, which is vital to our life together.
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And she is doing most of our important work.
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I agree with this 100%.
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That s the one thing that I think I really took away from some of the criticism that I received from the Jack Donovan interview.
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A lot of guys wrote in with similar sentiments to Shay, and I m exactly the same way.
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I m fortunate enough to work here at home, but when Jenny had an outside position, we don t have kids yet, we re not even married, but when Jen had an outside position, I felt like it was actually a waste of time.
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I think both of us are very, very fortunate to be able to stay at home.
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And when we do have a family, that s gonna be one of our greatest assets, is family close by and both parents working from home.
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And this is a lifestyle that I ve set up very purposely this way because that s what I always knew that I wanted.
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I know some people want to go out and build a career and they base a lot of their self-worth off of that, both men and women.
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I do think that a lot of that self-worth or a lot of that ambition might be a little bit misplaced.
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There s a position of honor in the home, and if both parents can have it, that s amazing.
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Often it tends to be the wife that s home with the kids, and rather than that being, quote unquote, left at home, I think that s the position of honor.
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I think guys, most guys, in fact, if you ask them, would rather stay at home with their family or be able to work from home if given the choice, and I don t think a lot of people realize that.
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Paul writes, I was driving back from Arizona last Sunday, listening to the Art of Charm.
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The cruise control was set at 75 miles per hour, and I was listening intently to Rick Hansen s episode.
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Lo and behold, I was pulled over by the CHP.
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He stated I was going well above 100.
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My passenger and I just laughed.
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Cruise control was set at 75, so this is impossible.
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I thought it was a joke.
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I demanded to see the radar, and he said it doesn t record the speed.
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I felt powerless, angry, and sick to my stomach to this injustice.
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But more importantly, it has been two weeks, and for some reason, I just can t get back to listening to your podcast, as it brings back a very negative feeling.
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For some reason, I just can t get past it.
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How would you recommend I overcome this?
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Many thanks for everything you do, from Paul in LA.
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This is really weird, because basically, whenever I get stuff like this, I distill it down to
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sort of an if-then statement or a logical... You ever take a logic, Jason, in college?
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I flunked it.
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You flunked it?
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I m surprised, actually, because it s very engineer-y.
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But basically, you use these little symbols to show, like, if-then, if-not, then-not, stuff like that.
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So when I see stuff like this, I distill it down to this.
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So since you got pulled over by a cop while you were listening to Art of Charm, now you re going to throw away all the benefit from the Art of Charm because dot, dot, dot, emotional reaction.
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And that, I m not saying you re some kind of chump for doing that.
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I do think it s a little bit ridiculous, but I understand totally why you re doing this.
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Negative associations are powerful sometimes.
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It sounds like you re attaching a lot of weight to the experience, and therefore you remember it really vividly.
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Like you said, you felt powerless, et cetera.
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You re probably doing that with a lot of things in your life where you feel, quote unquote, indignant about something.
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And I suggest looking inward at your ego, and I mean that in the psychological sense, not like you re some kind of narcissist here.
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I suggest looking inward at your ego and seeing where the real wound is.
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Because it s not the cop, it s not the ticket, and it s certainly not the podcast that s causing you to feel this way.
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The podcast is just triggering something.
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So you need to find the real issue.
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There s nothing I can tell you to get
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over the fact that this happened, because it s not the fault of the show.
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So you need to look and find out why this type of thing gets to you so much.
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I understand that would bother me too, but I would never really want to throw away the baby with the bathwater just because it reminded me of some unpleasant incident that happens to everyone at some point in their life.
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So really look at why things like this bother you so much and that s where you re gonna find the self-development gold.
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The personal growth goldmine is in whatever incident originally caused you to feel this way and continues to make you feel that way when things like this happen.
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This one comes in from Kate.
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Boy, could I do with your advice.
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If the saying is true that you are the product of the five people you spend the most time with, then thankfully I can count you among my five.
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I work in a corporate sales job that s well-paid with a team whose vision I don t share.
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I work hard and try to throw myself into it, but every day feels like something to be surmounted rather than enjoyed.
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It s all about money, politics, and putting in an eight-hour day just to cut out and go home.
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I ve never been like that, and I don t want to be.
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My passions are social impact, and my strengths are ideation and strategy.
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I m on an L-1B visa, which, from all my research, means I can t stay in the US without this job or an ill-conceived shotgun wedding.
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My boss actively discourages brainstorming or innovation, preferring a focus on revenue-driving, task-based activities only.
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We don t connect.
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It s difficult to segment my passions into my free time because each day I feel like I m climbing a ladder firmly leaning against the wrong wall.
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I write, fundraise, work on rule of law initiatives, photograph, and am entrepreneurial, but feel so stuck, frustrated, wasteful, and sometimes ungrateful.
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I have this job when so many don t.
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I live in a great city, I have great friends and hobbies, but I spend at least 40 hours a week not being me and another 20 worrying about that fact.
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What would you do?
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Yours in awe, gratitude and peace, Kate.
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So I really have empathy for this situation and I get a lot of letters like this and I never really answer this question because I didn t know how initially.
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And all of these questions come in with tons of details.
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And the reason is because everybody with this exact same problem has some sort of, I don t want to say syndrome, but has some sort of reason as to why their situation is very unique.
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And they re all right to a certain extent.
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A lot of people have debt.
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Some people have kids.
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Some people have a visa that they need to stay in the US.
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And what Kate s got here, I totally understand.
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I have a lot of empathy and sympathy for the situation.
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expert in finding your quote-unquote passion and going along with creating a business in the entrepreneur mindset because I don t really know how to answer this.
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I m the last guy people should be asking what to do with yourself simply because I stumbled into this business itself.
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So I asked Michael Port and he said it comes down to risk tolerance.
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The visa
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or the debt, or the kids, or whatever we ve got here, and in Kate s case, it s a visa, is merely an excuse to stay comfortable.
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This is no different than others who have a job they don t like and need X that the job provides, income, social circle, et cetera.
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This is something that is all about risk tolerance.
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Can you afford to leave?
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If the answer is yes, then you should do it.
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Yes, you need X, Y, and Z that this job provides, but you have to ask yourself,
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is this something that you re willing to tolerate because you re not risk tolerant?
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If so, then this is what you got.
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You got a job, you ve gotta put up with it, and that s how it goes.
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If you re more risk tolerant, you can afford to leave, even if it means trying to find another job that requires a visa, even if it means leaving for a while, trying to find another job that will give you a visa, or if it just means biting the bullet and leaving this job and leaving the United States.
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I m not recommending any one particular course of action, but what I am recommending
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is looking at your level of risk tolerance and making a genuine assessment of what that is.
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If you re young and you re in your 20s, it s probably very high, and it will never be higher.
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A lot of people spend their 20s and their 30s waiting for themselves to be more risk tolerant, and it does not happen.
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They have kids, they get debt, they buy a home, they buy cars, they get married, they get additional sort of golden handcuffs if you work in a high leverage position.
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This is something that s never going to be better than it is right now, most likely, for 99% of the people listening to this.
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So look at your level of risk tolerance, stop making excuses if you can, and figure out how to increase your tolerance for risk.
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Does that mean saving money, does it mean
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networking better?
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Does it mean creating more relationships to find more opportunities?
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Does it mean moving up or moving laterally inside your company to get a different role?
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You need to figure out what you can do inside your situation while increasing your risk tolerance and your appetite for taking a step in a direction where you re not quite sure of the outcome.
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Isha writes, Hi Jordan, I usually listen to your podcasts on my way home from work.
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I absolutely love them and recommend them to everyone I know.
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I wanted to suggest a topic that I wish to know more about.
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I have just set up a business in a prime location in London.
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My clients are wealthy and I have come across celebrities as well.
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It is difficult not to be nervous around these people even though I know they are just normal human beings just like the rest of us.
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Advice on how to manage this would be great as the last thing I want is to come across as insecure to them.
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Thanks, and I m always left feeling inspired after listening to your podcasts.
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Thanks, Isha.
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I appreciate it.
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This is a matter of self-worth, and I totally get it.
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Everybody s got this imposter syndrome, and I say everybody in air quotes, but I include myself in that.
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You start up a new business.
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You offer a service or product that wealthy and celebrities are finding that they need and want.
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So of course it s difficult not to be nervous around these people, even though you know they re just normal human beings.
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You probably don t feel like you re up to the task of hanging out, working with, and servicing these people.
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And it s a matter of practice, right?
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If you think about this, the nerves are gonna go away, especially once you start to see their flaws.
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And you can even read about and research their faults if it helps, if you know you re gonna meet a celebrity.
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You can look and read more about them.
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It will humanize them if you re reading the right stuff and not just the tabloids.
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But otherwise, honestly, that kind of thing is a waste of time.
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Worrying about bringing them down to your level, not really what we teach here at Art of Charm.
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Worry more about raising your level, becoming the expert that they can lean on and rely on, and you ll build value in your own eyes as well as theirs.
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If you treat them normally, that s the rarest treatment they ll ever receive.
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So work on the skill set of bringing up your own value, treating them like normal people, and you ll find customers for life, and you ll find yourself very at home in that circle soon enough.
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Hope you all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget you can reach us at Friday at TheArtofCharm.com.
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We read everything and we d love to hear from you.
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More from The Art of Charm at TheArtofCharm.com.
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Now have a great weekend.
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Get out there and connect and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
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They say if you do what you love, you never work a day in your life.
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But if you re an entrepreneur, you know the hard work that comes with it.
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That s why you need Kajabi.
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Kajabi makes it easy to run your entire online business from one platform so you can focus on what you love, creating.
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Kajabi is the ultimate all-in-one platform that helps creators and entrepreneurs build successful online businesses by unlocking predictable recurring revenue.
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No matter your niche, Kajabi makes it easy to turn your skills, passions, and experiences into enriching online courses, exclusive membership sites, subscription podcasts, thriving communities, personalized coaching, and more.
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The best part, Kajabi doesn t cut into your revenue because everything is owned and controlled by you.
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So keep 100% of what you earn.
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And with Kajabi, you also get robust analytics, easy payment options, email marketing tools, and customizable website templates, all built in.
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You don t even need a huge audience to make sustainable income.
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There are thousands of creators on Kajabi making six and seven figures with less than 50,000 followers.
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Right now, Kajabi is offering a free 30-day trial to start your business if you go to kajabi.com slash charm.
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That s K-A-J-A-B-I dot com slash charm.
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Go to kajabi.com slash charm and join the creators and entrepreneurs who have made over $7 billion.
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Hey, Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
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Winning is an everyday mindset, and Craig Robinson and John Calipari are here to help.
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On Ways to Win podcast, Craig and Coach Cal use their on-court wisdom to solve your off-court problems.
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Whether it s trouble at home or a workplace dilemma, the coaches will help you find a winning formula for success.
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You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
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Thanks for listening to The Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and everything for the extraordinary man at theartofcharmpodcast.com.