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Welcome to the art of charm.
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I m your host Jordan Harbinger, and I m here with producer Jason DeFillippo here at the art of charm We don t have all the answers, but we definitely have all the right questions today on fan mail Friday Those questions come from you if you re new to the art of charm podcast fan mail Friday isn t a great place to start
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Most of our content is more in-depth and longer format, so check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best or the fundamentals toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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That s where we ve got fundamentals of body language and nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, influence, persuasion, and everything else we teach here at the art of charm.
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It goes pretty deep.
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We ll send all that to your inbox if you text charmed.
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That s C-H-A-R-M-E-D-233444 here in the USA, or if you re anywhere else, go to theartofcharm.com.
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Alright, let s cut to it.
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Hi Jordan, I noticed you seem to be relatively well informed on a lot of subjects, but never mention others.
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I m inclined to think you re staying on topic for purposes of the show rather than simply ignorant of a lot of things.
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For example, you hinted mentions of terrorism and international events without focusing on them, which leads me to believe you re well-versed on world affairs, yet focused on delivering content for us listeners of the show.
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Thanks for that.
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I m curious, though.
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What news sources do you use?
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How do you educate yourself aside from books?
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Signed, Curious George.
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Hey Curious George, look, I m on what s called the Low Information Diet.
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What that means, or the LID as I like to refer to it sometimes, it means I don t bother watching the news, I don t Google results, I don t look for anything as a matter of sort of absent-minded reading, I don t really do that.
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News, the news cycle is designed to cause stress because what gets your attention are things like fear, stress, anxiety.
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So that s, it s not just when you watch the news you get anxiety because all this stuff s going on.
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It s designed to get you to be in those different sort of adrenal phases and it s not good.
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We re not evolved to deal with that.
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You gotta use stress management, diet, supplements, exercise just to be able to deal with regular life with all the input going on.
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I choose not to get more and
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And this sounds kind of like the opposite answer to your question, but really, I m well informed because I read deep sources and I talk with people about important events.
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People I know are going to have an opinion, be able to explain something to me, not just the news blurb.
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So I might watch small clips from BBC to MSNBC to Fox or even Al Jazeera, all the way to things I see online in my Facebook news feed.
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If something catches my eye, I ll research and dig deeper.
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you gotta always consider the source.
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Most sources are biased or they re outright fabrications, and that s something that we seek to avoid on the show.
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That s why we don t have a lot of life coaches and self-helping people on here, because a lot of that stuff is just bunk.
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And I often ask people in countries where something is happening how they feel, what they think, as they often have a more balanced reaction to the news than something on Fox that s just like, alert, everything s scary and the world s gonna blow up.
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Americans tend to be the exception to the rule in terms of having very strong opinions, and they really are typically only leaning in one political direction.
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I find foreigners to be a little bit more balanced when it comes to that stuff, so I rely on that.
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You know, I actually prefer to do deep dives, like I said, on topics with documentaries and books versus just tiny articles that are often just poorly researched clickbait.
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or other hype and remember media profits from getting your attention and they do that by making you worry which is stressful on you and bad for your health long term and certainly bad for your focus in the short term.
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I d like the AOC team to weigh in on a relationship question.
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I m about to begin my last semester of college and have started dating a girl who knows she is moving back with her family to Colorado immediately following graduation.
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My question to you all is this, what can you share with me that have helped others in long distance relationships?
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We both live very independent lives and aren t the type of couple that constantly text, call, etc.
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which is why I believe long distance is viable for us.
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But ultimately, I believe the end goal would be for one of us to move near the other.
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Is this also something I should address when asking my girlfriend to commit to a long-distance relationship?
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I d love to hear the team s thoughts on long-distance relationships.
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I can t remember which episode it was, but it would be cool to tie it back to discussing boundaries and expectations, etc.
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My main concern is being able to diagnose if a long-distance relationship is holding me or any individual back from achieving other goals.
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Secondly, I believe that the point of any long-distance relationship is to eventually move closer together.
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When would this be an acceptable thing to bring up?
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Thanks for the insight, Long Distance Larry.
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Larry look man.
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I m gonna say something.
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I don t say a whole lot here, but you re a little too young for something like this It s not necessary.
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You re just gonna regret it look open up the relationship, and this is me speaking from experience I ve done a lot of long-distance relationships at all different ages.
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You re just gonna end up regretting this one most likely There s a very slim chance.
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This is gonna lead to something longer-term in the future and honestly there are loads of people and
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that you actually need to have relationships with before you settle down.
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So open up the relationship.
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See, if you re going to be able to have something a little bit more open, it might mean just being friends with your current girlfriend in a way that s a little bit closer than you would have been if you decided to break up for other reasons.
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But look, if you feel any constraints on who you meet and who you hang out with, you re likely gonna start to resent the other person and that s going to degrade your relationship as well.
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So I say, look man, open it up or you re gonna end up having it open up
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without you guys arranging for it to happen.
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It s gonna hurt one or both of you a lot more.
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All right, next question.
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Hi guys.
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As much as I enjoy your podcast and advice, I m concerned about a person close to me who seems to have become overly consumed with their own personal development.
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I can appreciate setting high standards for oneself.
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However, I feel that too much of a good thing could be, well, too much of a good thing.
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One aspect I wish your podcast would address is what are the signs of obsessive personal development?
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Perhaps it s my own insecurities talking, but I feel that my friend has acquired a worldview that s left him with a pair of ridiculous rose-tinted glasses that I d like to gently remove.
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Is it just me, or can someone become unknowingly deficient in relationship skills because they re too absorbed in their own journey?
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I d consider this to be a negative trait.
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But does it even matter how I feel if you preach that other people s opinions don t matter and to be fearless with what others think and say?
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There s gotta be a way to create some checks and balances.
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Please direct me to a podcast on similar issues if you already have one out.
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Hey, yes, you know, I ve heard of this before.
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This is a form of what s called bypassing and like bypass, just like bypass surgery.
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That happens because this process happens because self-development is a light.
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It s like a highlighter and a magnifying glass for everything that s wrong with you.
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The best thing you can do is to start making changes and developing habits.
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And unfortunately, when you start to do self-help stuff, sometimes it s like, well, if you re
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You re not getting up at 4 a.m.
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You re not taking advantage of this.
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No, if you don t have this product, you re not taking advantage of that.
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Oh, if you re not working out 84 minutes an hour and you re doing the vegan, vegetarian, ovo, lacto thing, you re missing out.
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And so it s going to start to make you feel bad depending on all the hype you re buying into.
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So I would say, look, don t unplug yourself from it, but surround yourself with support.
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And I mean, not salesy books and stuff.
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You need to surround yourself with having the standards and, of course, looking at this worldview in a little bit of a less biased fashion because the problem is self-help often comes with a lot of friggin  marketing.
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Look, I ll be, again, biased and recommend the Art of Charm podcast.
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It s good, it s a good source, there s no real upsell, it s free.
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And so no one should be pressuring you to buy something in order to X, Y, Z. Sure, people can charge for courses and information, but you don t need to pay to get your foot in the door.
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There s no secret dot, dot, dot thing.
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It s just not real.
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These are internet marketers.
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Encourage your friend to take action based on what they re learning, not just learn, learn, learn, learn, learn, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, and never do anything.
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When you start to hold people accountable and make them apply things, you start to hear about it a little bit less because some of the stuff s not going to work and it s going to be less of a, this is amazing and everything is all perfect and more of a, wow, this is a journey I m on.
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And you might even decide to go on it with your friend as well.
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And it also depends, last but not least, who he s learning from.
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Some lame self-help wannabe cults teach people to isolate themselves from others who don t quote-unquote get it.
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This is unhealthy.
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It s all fine and good to be hanging out with people that went through a program together and having a little brotherhood there, and I totally encourage that with AOC alumni, but you never should be encouraged to
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Get rid of people that aren t – don t get it, that aren t in the group.
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It s one thing to cut negative people out of your life.
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It s another thing to cut people out of your life because the person running this business or this self-help cult says if they re not in the same one, then they re not worthy of your friendship.
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Bad news.
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And so when people start to do that to themselves willingly, sometimes it s the marketing and the books and the self-help tapes, and this person might just be a little unsufferable for a while, but hopefully what I said earlier will help you out with that.
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All right, next one.
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Hi Jordan, I m just curious.
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How do you like working in the industry of self-help and personal growth?
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How do most people in that world end up in those roles?
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I ask because I ve always been interested in helping people, especially guys younger than me, and I m interested in how I can make that a more significant part of my life, potentially even a career.
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Thanks.
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Ryan.
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Hey, Ryan.
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Yeah, look, there are two camps to kind of the personal growth industry.
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And I hate the word self help because it is so scammy and gross.
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There s two camps.
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There s the make money slash ego camp.
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And I call this the hustler camp because these are the guys that are like, I m hustling 24 seven doing it hard hustling and a lot of them are less scrupulous because
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They have a similar attitude like that where they just need to get money and get going and get doing it.
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And these are the people that are obsessed with Instagram and blue check marks on their social media and validation and selfies with other people or other gurus or someone that they think makes them look good or enhances their credibility.
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Other people who are willing to say or write anything just to get your money.
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That s one camp.
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The other camp is basically this sort of help other people slash we re unemployable at a regular job camp, and I know I m mixing people together.
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There s probably four or five different categories here, but I call this the entrepreneur camp, and these are people that are just like, oh, you can start your own business.
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You can do this thing.
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You can help people with that, and this is how I got out of it.
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This is why school was so hard, because this wasn t cut out, and I wasn t cut out for it or whatever.
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I call this the entrepreneur camp.
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I m in that camp.
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Obviously, a lot of guys like Gary Vee are kind of like, wait, this is a thing that people can do instead of the regular path.
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And the way to tell people apart, in my opinion, just off the top of my head, is it really depends on how much they give out for free and the quality of the material.
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One of the reasons that we do this show, aside from the fact that I love it, and give out so much stuff for free is because, look,
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It s impossible to fake 10 years of really stellar content, a lot of which is original to the art of charm.
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It s really easy to write a 40-page e-book and make people pay only $1 for that and then upsell to the next thing and the next thing and the next thing.
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It s hard to create a steady stream of really good content.
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Scammers will never do that because they can t.
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too much work.
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The low-hanging fruit is in the simple, stupid funnel that gets people to part with their money right away.
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Does the content come first or the sales funnel come first?
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If you have to put in your email or you have to buy something to get the secret before you get any other info from anybody, that is a red flag.
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But if they re pumping out tons and tons and tons of content and they go, hey, by the way, we ve got a course on this, that s fine.
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That s totally normal, that makes sense, people gotta make a living doing this stuff.
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But the second somebody says, hey, before I tell you anything, I gotta get mine, that s a problem.
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Are they an internet marketer or a thought leader?
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In other words, are they somebody who sells other supplements?
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And this is really, really, really hard information to find.
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You only find this stuff out after you get to know people.
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There s a lot of people that are like,
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Self-help gurus and coaches, but they don t make their money doing that.
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That s them kind of trying to get some credibility back.
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They make their money selling BS weight loss supplements online and they run a friggin porn site or something like that.
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And so that now they re going around trying to teach people how to be an entrepreneur, but they won t talk about how they made their money.
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A lot of internet marketers are like that.
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There s other people that are thought leaders that maybe have written a couple of books and they go out and they speak and they do their thing and their books are not e-books.
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They re real published books.
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They re accumulated wisdom over the years.
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That s a much more highly credible individual than somebody who simply is an internet marketer trying to redeem themselves or look great online.
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And other factors, novel, appreciable info, or is it rehashed content that costs money because it has their face on it?
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Is this something new, interesting?
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Do you recognize what they re teaching has value, or is this yet another cookbook or yet another XYZ?
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It just happens to be branded with somebody s face on it, but it s been done 85 times before.
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Look at that stuff.
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Are they teaching you how to make money online because it s supposedly easy?
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Or are they teaching you real-life skills?
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There s a huge difference between the people that teach other people how to make money online.
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Hint, spoiler alert, often how to make money online includes selling their product, which is also about how to make money online.
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It s a pyramid a lot of the time.
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Or are they teaching you a real skill?
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Are they teaching you actual fitness?
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Is this person coaching you?
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Are they a personal trainer that s working online?
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Is this somebody that s selling you something that is a service for which they have to work?
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Or is it one of those automated, scaled, everything, and the person lives in Barbados and never answers email?
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Look at these factors.
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But at the end of the day,
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If you want to help people, start doing it.
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Don t worry about branding yourself and making it profitable.
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Just create a resource people love and start spreading it like it s your job, and it eventually will be.
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Keep your real job in the meantime, and if you have a business with legs, your customers will start to find you.
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Out of Charm started not because we decided to be coaches, but because people who were listening to the show were literally demanding coaching and showing up
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where we lived after, of course, we set up the meeting, from other countries to stay with us and learn.
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That s how AOC began.
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That s how we still operate.
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We could probably make a lot more money if we marketed really hard and we were really seedy about it, but we focus on the content and utility that I mentioned earlier instead.
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And I hope you do the same thing if you decide to get into this industry.
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Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
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They say if you do what you love, you never work a day in your life.
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But if you re an entrepreneur, you know the hard work that comes with it.
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That s why you need Kajabi.
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Kajabi makes it easy to run your entire online business from one platform so you can focus on what you love.
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Creating.
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The best part?
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So keep 100% of what you earn.
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And with Kajabi, you also get robust analytics, easy payment options, email marketing tools, and customizable website templates, all built in.
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There are thousands of creators on Kajabi making six and seven figures with less than 50,000 followers.
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Right now, Kajabi is offering a free 30-day trial to start your business if you go to kajabi.com slash charm.
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That s K-A-J-A-B-I dot com slash charm.
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Go to Kajabi.com slash charm and join the creators and entrepreneurs who have made over seven billion dollars.
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Hey Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
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Winning is an everyday mindset and Craig Robinson and John Calipari are here to help.
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On Ways to Win podcast, Craig and Coach Cal use their on-court wisdom to solve your off-court problems.
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Whether it s trouble at home or a workplace dilemma, the coaches will help you find a winning formula for success.
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You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
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All right, now back to Fan Mail Friday.
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All right, last one.
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Hi Jordan, I ve recently moved overseas with my wife.
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We re pregnant and my parents are asking to come and visit to see us and the new baby.
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We ve had a bad relationship for years now.
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My dad is just insufferable and takes some sort of pleasure in telling me everything I m doing wrong with my life, etc.
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I don t like how we fight and it s annoying not to mention stressful.
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I stopped talking to my dad a year or so ago just because of this type of thing.
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So they re asking to visit us here and would stay with us while they re here.
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I really don t want to deal with them while we re also dealing with a new baby.
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Things are so bad that I m worried I ll actually get into a physical fight with my dad.
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What should I do?
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Can I tell them not to come?
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How do I do that in a way that doesn t escalate things and deteriorate the relationship even further?
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Hey Nick, yeah, look, this is a sticky one, because you can either say no, or you can use this as an opportunity to repair the relationship with your parents.
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I don t have enough info to say which one you should do, but I will say that you should probably try if you think there s any value in doing so.
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Now that said,
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You have a right to say no.
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You have a right to tell them you re going to be getting settled and recovering and so visiting right then just is not a good time.
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And there s going to be an inevitable counter-argument that they ll come and they ll help with the baby, but look, you can set a boundary.
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and say you d rather have them visit another time.
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You don t have to say when, and if they get pushy, you can simply say, look, not right now.
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They have to respect that, and if they don t, that s on them, and you no longer have to be polite about it.
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If they re not respecting your feelings, it s okay if they think you re rude for setting a boundary.
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It isn t your problem at that point.
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Now this will aggravate a rift, but obviously the rift is already there.
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Just don t use this as a vehicle to punish your parents for something else, because you ll likely regret that.
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You know, don t let them not come because you re mad about their missing your college graduation and you re holding on to that still.
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You re gonna regret that.
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But if you actually don t want them to visit because of some other valid reason, and that s up to you to decide, then you have a right to hold that position.
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I hope you all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget you can email us at friday at theartofcharm.com
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to get your questions answered on the air.
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A link to this blog post can be found at theartofcharm.com slash fmf74.
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Quick shoutouts to Mitch, a producer at the Nasdaq studio I use.
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Turns out to be an AOC fan just by coincidence.
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Thanks for being a fan, Mitch, and for producing some of our videos.
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And Chris Johnson, deciding whether to do his own podcast now that he sees some of the work that goes into it is on the fence.
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I think it s fun, man, but it s not for everybody.
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Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up and I ll shout you out.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com.
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Oh, before I forget, we ve deemed this month Social Capital Month, with the goal to teach you how to apply a new way of thinking around the idea of your net worth is your net worth.
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I m sure you ve heard that before.
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So, check out the free video training series at theartofcharm.com slash network.
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Check it out now, because we re only going to do this once, and then we re going to be taking them down, and I m not just like, they re only here for this week, but really, we re going to take them down, because we re going to incorporate them into something else that is not free.
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SPEAKER_00
So, check it out, theartofcharm.com slash network.
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Now stay charming, get out there and connect, and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to The Art of Charm.
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SPEAKER_01
Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.