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All right, time for Fan Mail Friday.
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I m your host, Jordan Harbinger.
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I m here with producer Jason DeFilippo, and we ll be answering your questions and dropping some feedback slash knowledge slash tough love for you to kick the weekend off, right?
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If you re new to AOC, this is not a great place to start.
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Most of our content is more in-depth and a lot longer format, interview format, you might say.
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So check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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There we ve got the fundamentals of body language and nonverbal communication and negotiation and attraction and networking and all of those core skills we teach here at The Art of Charm.
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We ll send this to your inbox if you text charmed, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D, to 33444 in the U.S.
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here, or just go to the website, theartofcharm.com.
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Let s cut to it.
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Love the Fan Mail Fridays.
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Keep up the great work.
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Got a question for ya.
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It s not as hard hitting as some of the others, but here goes.
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I ve been going to about one quote unquote networking event per week for about two months now.
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When I meet people, I try to build rapport from the onset and not jump into business right off the bat.
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Admittedly, I m not great at finding how I can add value right away, but I find that quite a few of the other people I ve been meeting either A, jump right into their elevator pitch or B, come across as arrogant or standoffish.
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The A people are usually disappointing and the B people really upset and bother me.
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I find myself wanting to immediately walk away but usually try and continue the conversation because I figure there s something to learn from this person and maybe we can refer people or deals to each other in the future.
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So I put up with it.
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Should I continue to just deal with these types or try and get out as quickly as possible because if that s how they really are I probably don t want to do business with them anyways.
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Thanks, Zoran.
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Hey Zoran, this is kind of a confusing one because
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What kind of networking events are you going to where people are upsetting you or coming across as standoffish?
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I mean, this is really, really strange.
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I highly suggest looking at different events, but here s the thing.
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I ve never been to an event where this has happened, so I m starting to see maybe, possibly, you re the common denominator here.
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So, you re gonna need to figure out why people are becoming arrogant or standoffish around you, because that s probably a matter of your perception.
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If they re coming right in with their elevator pitch, it means they re novice, they re newbies, they re looking for what s in it for them, and frankly, they probably will disappoint you.
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The problem I see right off the,
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without looking at more of what you re doing and being able to ask you questions, is the fact that you re going to networking events, which as we teach in the Social Capital Program and as we talk about a lot on The Art of Charm and the regular shows, networking events are actually the worst place.
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to create meaningful connections because everybody going there, most of the people going there are only looking at what s in it for them and they re going to quote unquote networking events where people who have real value to offer generally never go.
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I would not be caught dead at a networking event because I know that a lot of these things are gonna happen and I know a lot of the influencers and people that I work with and the authors and things like that, they are never going to networking events that are not curated.
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They re going to events all the time, but they are highly curated and they don t let people in who do this kind of thing.
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So part of it s you and your perception, and most of it, I think, is going to the wrong place.
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Networking events are not great places to meet people.
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Go to things that have
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Go to events and instances where they re doing some other activity that you have an interest in.
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So, for example, you re much better off going to a book signing by your favorite author than you are going to a quote-unquote networking event to meet people for some general nebulous purpose.
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Hope that helps.
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Jordan, I ve heard you offhandedly say a couple times that you re trying to learn Chinese, so I figured I would give you a little practice.
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This is in regards to the email where there was a bunch of Chinese that I can t read because I m not learning Chinese.
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Anyway.
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Also, if you don t already have it, there s a fantastic app called Pleco that I think would be definitely a useful tool for your Chinese language acquisition.
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I constantly use it here in Shanghai.
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Before I ask my question, I want to thank you and the AOC team for all that you do.
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I recently discovered AOC while in Shanghai and now listen to it for two hours every day while I commute to and from classes.
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I honestly cannot believe that all this content is free, especially when so many others charge obscene amounts for inferior content.
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I mean, even your ads are quality.
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I just ordered a pair of MeUndies for my girlfriend back in the States so she can test drive them for me.
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On to my question.
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I m currently a junior at a prestigious U.S.
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university, but am studying abroad in Shanghai for the semester.
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As a junior in a spring semester, graduation looms in about a year, which means that I will have to make some serious career choices in the coming months.
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All of my friends and classmates are gravitating towards Wall Street and I feel myself also being pulled in that direction.
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A career on Wall Street is respectable, depending on who you ask, and offers a very comfortable lifestyle.
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However, despite making a lot of money, I don t think I will be fulfilled by the work.
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I know exactly what I would do if I didn t go to Wall Street, although this path is far harder and far less lucrative.
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I m dissuaded from choosing this course because everyone around me acts like going to Wall Street is a no-brainer, which makes me feel like I m missing something.
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It seems like a fool s move to pass on the promise of such a comfortable life, especially when so many other people are fighting for this opportunity, but I m fairly sure I will not be satisfied with a career that doesn t seem to generate much value, and I also won t be satisfied with myself for selling out.
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Am I missing something or is everyone simply prioritizing wealth and status over anything else?
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Given your career history, I would really appreciate your thoughts on this.
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Best paychecks or purpose?
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Hey, first of all, paychecks or purpose.
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I love the name and I love the fact that you re abroad studying.
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That s real cool.
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Really great place to go study in Shanghai.
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Look, if you are
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If your friends are gravitating towards Wall Street and you feel like you re being pulled in that direction, but you re not really into it, if you re already on the fence, you re gonna hate it.
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Because working on Wall Street 99 times out of 100, this is not the type of job where you discover your love for rote financial bull crap that helps no one most of the time.
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If you re on the fence,
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or not even on the fence, you ve got like one ankle over the fence because your friends are pressuring you to do it, you are going to hate it.
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I was straddling the fence and I only went because people thought I should and I had no other plan.
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If you re deciding between this and something that you think sounds a lot better and you re only looking at the paycheck, you re gonna hate yourself for making the Wall Street decision.
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I promise you that much.
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So look, I hate to talk you out of something if you re not sure which way to go, but I think you already know which way to go.
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You re just worried that you re gonna miss out on some sort of opportunity.
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This is pure FOMO, fear of missing out.
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And all you re looking at, missing out on, frankly, is a higher paycheck than you would normally get.
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And that might be a lot if you got a ton of college debt, but I ll tell you right now, it s not worth your sanity and your happiness.
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Hey guys, just started listening to the podcast a few weeks ago and I really enjoy it.
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Great work.
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Sorry in advance for the huge paragraph below.
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I m 23 years old working in the tech industry in Seattle.
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I feel really fortunate because I m financially well off compared to most of my friends and this is something that has maybe created a weird dynamic in our group.
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I m a humble and fairly quiet guy and I don t like to speak out about how much I make, but often within our friends group when we re at a bar calling an Uber or whatever the case may be,
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There will always be a comment thrown out at some point in the night regarding, hey, you make so much money, Vinny.
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I don t know why you worry about being so careful.
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Maybe that quote doesn t do my situation justice, but it just feels like there s a weird divide between my friends and I now simply because of my financial situation compared to theirs.
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Especially when my friends try to introduce me to girls, they will sometimes lead with, hey, this is Vinny.
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He has a really nice apartment in Seattle and works in the tech industry.
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I m not sure if that s necessarily how I want to present myself to people.
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I don t know.
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I don t feel like they resent me, but I just don t know how to handle it, especially as someone who just graduated from college and is not really used to having discretionary income in the first place.
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Do you have any advice on how to address this moving forward?
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Hey, Vinny, a couple of things here.
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It sounds like your friends, one, aren t that mature, because they don t have real financial responsibility on their own.
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That s why they tell you, oh, don t be so careful.
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Two, I think that they re a little jealous and uncomfortable because you have different financial strata, and I think that is,
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I think that s a problem.
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And look, the introduction thing, not a big deal.
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They just don t know how to introduce you.
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They re probably, it s the first thing they think about.
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They re not trying to undercut you here, most likely.
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They re just kind of blowing it.
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They re probably a little bit socially inept, frankly, it sounds like.
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So maybe you need some new friends.
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The real question here is are they acting on this in other ways, or are they just ribbing you?
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I mean, are they undercutting you?
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Are they talking smack behind your back?
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These are the questions that you need to know the answers to, and of course I can t tell by what you ve written.
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The real action step here is to tell them to knock it off, and also ask them why they re doing it.
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I think they re gonna give you a BS answer, but I think also it might be time to hang out with people that are a little bit more mature, and also just confront this issue head on.
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Do you have a problem with my job?
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Do you have a problem with my industry?
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What s the deal?
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Why do you do that?
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It makes me uncomfortable.
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Because I really think that they re just kind of knuckleheads and they don t really notice how it affects you.
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And I think they re just really focused on their own insecurities in this area.
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So tell them to knock it off.
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If they won t, you can make new friends.
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Frankly, you might need to anyway.
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Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
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Hey Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
1
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On Ways to Win podcast, Craig and Coach Cal use their on-court wisdom to solve your off-court problems.
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Whether it s trouble at home or a workplace dilemma, the coaches will help you find a winning formula for success.
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You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
1
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Dear Jordan and AOC, I would first like to thank you a thousand times over for helping to better my life.
1
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The difference between my 21 year old self now and the person I was during my early teenage years is nothing short of night and day.
1
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And a lot of that is due to the art of charm.
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So once again, thank you.
1
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However, although I now consider myself to be exceptionally more confident, outgoing, charming, better with women and productive in myself, I m presently struggling with a few issues and I believe your advice would be something of a true blessing.
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The issue I have is regarding drugs.
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I m at university in England, and the presence of drugs is undeniable.
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I only know two other people in the whole of the university that have never taken anything other than myself.
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And when I say drugs, I m primarily referring to ketamine, MDMA, and ecstasy.
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The issue I m having is that now, being at university for a year and a half, my opinion on taking them has changed, in that the stigma seems to be non-existent and the seriousness of taking them is considered almost on par with that of binge drinking.
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I m at a point where I feel I want to try them at least once.
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This is completely not a peer pressure situation.
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All my friends respect my choices.
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The primary issue is going to events that everyone is on quote unquote something and simply drinking does not do the job for the longevity of the events, specifically large DJ events.
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This is a situation where I m torn from a you regret the things you don t do, to an extent, and having an overly responsible attitude and following the line my parents have taught me, which is no different than most parents.
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Hey, look, man, I m telling you, from my own perspective, I ve got kind of a libertarian perspective on drugs when it comes to that.
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And I won t go too deep into that because this is something where I don t really want to influence your decision here either way.
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These drugs are still a gateway to other things.
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I don t care what anybody says.
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I know there s science that says both things.
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I know from personal experience and from a lot of friends who ve ended up in addiction and recovery programs and people who haven t and just use these things recreationally, they can be a gateway and they usually are.
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Now whether that s a problem or not depends on what that gateway leads to.
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So just be ready for that.
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And look, when it comes to drinking versus something like MDMA or whatever,
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Those, and I will say this, having consulted physicians, those things are, from what we know of science right now, better for your body than drinking in many ways, but still bad for you.
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They do damage to your brain, and by damage I mean rewiring.
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Look, anything you re putting in there, especially things like ketamine, I mean, for God s sake, that s terrible for you.
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It causes bladder and kidney issues.
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Ugh, please, anything but that.
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Legally, these drugs, in general, are much more dangerous.
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possession or having a disorderly conduct type thing, that s something you can chalk up to youth and stupidity when you re dealing with employers or something like that.
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But if you have a drug possession thing, you re looking at a different type of explanation here.
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Some people won t care, but others might.
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So these are all considerations you need to have.
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I don t want to tell you that doing drugs is okay.
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I also don t want to tell you whole
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whole cloth, these are terrible, and you should just stick to alcohol, which is even worse in my opinion.
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But there are legal implications, there are gateway implications, there are physical and emotional implications, and I think mostly when we re making these calculations, especially when we re young and in college, we re only looking at the social implications, and I think that s a problem.
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So I just want to advise you to look at all of these different areas, what drugs and alcohol affect, and then make your decision based on that.
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It s a more
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if I can use this word, holistic perspective on the issue in my opinion.
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Hey Jordan and Jason, I listened to your episode on Love Logically with Dwayna Welch and some things concerned me a bit.
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I m not sure if I misunderstood her.
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I perceived her as saying that men are, in general, more emotional than women.
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But there were a few times when she said a few things that let me know that maybe she was simply referring to a few contexts
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in which men are more emotional.
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If my understanding is the former, then I d like to challenge this a bit.
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I believe that the actions we see are typically a result of something bigger.
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The actions we see are symptoms, not the problem.
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So if I understand her thesis correctly, she posits that men are more emotional than women.
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I, however, propose that men are less emotional and more logical, but also have less emotional control.
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One of your other shows called Man Rules, the speaker discusses how men aren t allowed to express themselves emotionally.
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Man up or don t be a bitch or boys don t cry are common themes.
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So, if men are so much more quote unquote emotional as adults, could that not simply be a result or a symptom of our lack of support in emotional maturation as we grow from toddlers to teenagers to adults?
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I truly believe that men are more logical than women, which is great in some ways, and others not so much.
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For example, intimacy and empathy, which can often be lost at the detriment of relationships due to quote-unquote logic.
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Are our emotional challenges really due to nature, which I m assuming is part of her thesis, or are they due to how we re nurtured to repress our emotions, and as a result, don t know how to handle them as we get older?
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I d like to know your thoughts, as this is a big interest of mine.
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Thanks for reading.
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Be well.
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So Ryan, I wasn t sure exactly on what to do here, so I just forwarded this to Dwayna, and she wrote back.
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Here s what she said.
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Hi Ryan, while you and I have some points of disagreement, we also have some overlap.
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Men are more emotional as demonstrated in science of intimate relationships in the following specific ways.
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They are at least as eager for marriage as women are.
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Once having been married, see remarriage rates, men s are much higher.
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Men are more prone to feeling emotionally upset and shutting down as a direct consequence of that physiological upset during arguments.
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See John Gottman s research on heart rates and stonewalling.
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Men are usually the first to fall in love, the first to say it, although sometimes some men...
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Although sometimes some men admit they were lying, usually in order to gain sexual access, and are much likelier to report love at first sight.
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They are also less likely to analyze in detail whether a particular woman is right for them, and more likely to go with whether or not they feel love.
1
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Men tend to grieve the ending of a relationship longer than women do.
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They are much less likely to initiate a breakup or divorce, much likelier to wait a longer time than women before initiating another relationship, and, if they are older and widowed, much likelier than women in similar circumstances are to die soon after.
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This is not related solely to age or health.
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Men, when lonely, tend to have worse emotional outcomes and health outcomes than women do.
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For instance, the death rate of all causes for men who are single is six times greater than men who are married.
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If a man marries and then loses his mate for any reason, he rejoins the single man odds.
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This, I think, points to something emotional.
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emotional and social, since men by and large typically have more money than women do.
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Women s worse outcomes appear due to more economic factors, less to social support, although loneliness is demonstrably bad for the health and well-being of both sexes.
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Yet another line of evidence is that men who are more gender neutral and who as a result have genuinely intimate emotional relationships with several people instead of just with their partner don t have higher death rates following the death of a spouse.
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These are examples I can name off the top of my head.
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It does not mean that men are more emotional in every context.
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I focus on intimate relationships.
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It also doesn t mean men are overtly displaying their emotions.
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Rather, they seem to be more emotional inwardly in their romantic and committed love lives.
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In fact, men are less likely to overtly display emotion, especially negative emotions such as crying.
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Note that when men are so upset in an argument with their mates that the guy s heart rates have hit 100 beats per minute, that s when they show the least emotion.
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Per Gottman s findings, that s when they are unable to process anything else that is said in an argument.
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The more upset they are, the less they tend to show it.
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They aren t yelling and screaming or crying, but rather, they re staring at a spot on the floor or wall and waiting for it to be over.
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They have a great deal of emotional control when it comes to suppressing negative emotions, but inwardly, there s a lot going on.
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These same studies show that women who seem upset in arguments are often perking along at around 70 beats per minute, not nearly as physiologically upset as the guys.
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Some of this is based on biology and someone s socialization.
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As with everything else about us, it s rarely nature versus nurture and more a case of nature and nature.
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On the one hand, evolutionary psychologists have built quite a data set indicating that women have shaped men s evolution such that men offer signs of commitment, including falling in love first and saying so quickly so that women can get their needs met for survival.
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On the other, it s clear that socialization plays a role in nearly everything about everyone.
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Studies years ago show that new mothers socialize baby boys and girls differently from the start, ignoring boys more when they cry in their cribs.
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Men frequently report they are socially penalized if they show fear or sadness in front of women, including girlfriends and wives.
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Men are in many ways held to a very high double standard, where they re supposed to be tender about others  feelings while shutting down many of their own.
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I hope this addressed at least some of your thoughts about the show.
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Thanks for listening.
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Feel free to get back in touch.
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That s from Dwayna Welsh.
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Wow, very cool response.
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If you have no idea what the hell we re talking about, make sure you go back and listen to the episodes with Dwayna where we talk a lot about evolutionary psychology and the effects on the emotional behavior of men and women in intimate relationships.
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Super fascinating stuff.
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Dear Jordan, I m in a long distance relationship at the moment.
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I m stationed overseas in the military and I m super anxious about my girlfriend cheating on me while I m away.
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Do you have any advice on how I can know if she s being unfaithful while I m abroad?
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Signed, Military Man.
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Suspicions destroy.
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So try and be in contact regularly.
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There s a lot of things going on now.
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I know you ve mentioned in earlier emails you re not as tech savvy, but you can get apps like WhatsApp.
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This is an app that lets you make free international text messages.
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You can make free international calls as well.
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Now it s all encrypted, so that might help some of your sensitive communication.
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You can also get on Skype together for some face-to-face time whenever you can.
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write letters with a pen and paper, depending on where you can, where you re deployed, ask her about her day, and yes, I mean that.
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The sort of trivialities of life are often forgotten in favor of, oh my gosh, well, we only get a chance to talk once a week, so let s make it all big, serious stuff, and that can take away
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from the positive aspect of being in a relationship.
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It can make things too heavy, too dramatic, and too emotionally involved, and you want to avoid that because that makes talking a heavy task that needs to get done, and it can really bring things down.
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Stay in contact as much as possible.
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Make plans for the future.
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Keep the plans in mind.
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Talk about them often.
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All of this is going to go a long way towards making you feel way more comfortable about being apart from her.
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We actually have a podcast that will help a lot more tips on this topic, so keep your eyes peeled for that.
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Do a search on the site for that.
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That was a long time ago, actually, so you re gonna have to do a little digging, but it s in there.
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And we talk about these a lot, long-distance relationships, not an uncommon topic here at the Yard of Charm.
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Hope you all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget, you can email us at friday at theartofcharm.com.
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As for videos, Rob s still at it, releasing videos to help increase your social capital and encourage networking and relationship development for both personal and professional purposes.
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A link to the blog post can be found at theartofcharm.com slash fmf59.
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Also, the Art of Charm Challenge, that s Charmed, you can text that to 33444, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D, or go to theartofcharm.com slash challenge.
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step-by-step how to become better at networking, making personal and professional connections, increasing your personal social capital and charisma, and it s for guys and gals.
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So check that out at theartofcharm.com slash challenge or text charmed to 33444.
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That s C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444.
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Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up.
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I ll give you a shout out here on the show.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com.
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Now, stay charming, get out there and connect, and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to The Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.