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Time for Fan Mail Friday, episode 60.
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I m your host, Jordan Harbinger.
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I m here with producer Jason DeFilippo.
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We ll be answering your questions and dropping some knowledge and feedback to help you kick the weekend off, right?
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, this is not the best place to start.
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Most of our content is much more in-depth and longer format, so check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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There we ve got the fundamentals of body language, nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, and everything else we teach here at The Art of Charm.
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We ll send you all this to your inbox if you text CHARMED at C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444.
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Alright, here we go.
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Hey Jordan, I ve been listening to your show for almost a year now, and I thoroughly enjoy the information that you put out there for all of us to acquire and think about.
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Some of the information has truly been helpful, so thank you.
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I have a pressing concern about myself, and I hope maybe you can shed light on what s going on.
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I recently moved to Austin and have had some trouble getting set up.
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I can t seem to find a full-time job, and the interviews I keep going on seem to go well, but then no offer comes around.
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Right now I m working two part-time jobs, and my overall confidence is low, and my desperation is rising, which doesn t seem like a great mix at all.
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In addition to this, I m 30 years old and single.
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It s starting to drive me a bit crazy watching couples everywhere smile and have fun, almost like they are rubbing it in my face.
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I would consider myself a great-looking guy with great qualities, but what seems to be the problem is that I m trying too hard to find a woman.
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The same situation with my job search seems to be happening as in my love life, meaning my overall confidence is low and my depression is rising.
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What can I do?
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Please help.
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Signed, well, what s next now?
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I understand what it s like to be in transition.
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I ve done it a lot of times in my life.
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Luckily, we ve done a whole podcast on moving to a new town, setting up a social circle, setting up what we call the social sales funnel, which is something we teach in depth at bootcamp, but is outlined in that episode as well.
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We ll link to that in the show notes.
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Look, finding a woman, finding a girlfriend, that will not solve your problems.
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People want to be a part of your life when you re up.
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They don t want to be your world because you re down.
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In other words, people want to be a part of your life when you have other things going on, when you have things that are interesting, when you ve got your own social circle, and when you ve got your own life.
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They don t want to be intimately involved with somebody and be the only thing that they have going on in their life.
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That s a lot of pressure.
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People don t want to deal with that.
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They don t want to live up to that, and it will ruin your relationship.
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You have to build your relationships on a solid foundation, which includes a solid social circle already.
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Hi Jordan, my boyfriend and I dated for over two years, lived together, and had both been on board for getting married someday.
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We re in our 20s, and this is the first long-term relationship for both of us.
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We had a great relationship.
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We always had fun being together, even doing mundane things.
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He wanted to plan for a big trip for our three-year anniversary, and I knew he would propose.
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I got scared about making a big life decision like that and told him we should wait, but that I still wanted to be with him.
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He said he was okay, but I knew he wasn t and he broke up with me four months later because he couldn t handle my hesitation.
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We determined we could stay in touch because no one did anything wrong and we didn t hate each other.
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We stayed in touch after the breakup with Tex about once a week with our normal banter, but no feelings were discussed.
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Four months after the breakup, we re talking and hanging out and it s been really nice.
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It s been the only time since the breakup I really feel myself again, even though I ve spent time with friends and have been going to many meetups to meet new people.
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We talked about how we both still have feelings and he said he feels our breakup was more of a break and that he still has hope for us.
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I feel relieved and I m still nauseated by the thought of moving on or trying to date again.
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We agreed we d both been hurt but still have feelings and we will take our relationship day by day because we won t be back to the way things were overnight.
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We recognized our relationship had communication problems and we let things build up without discussing them and we are willing to improve this.
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But I still get worried about how I felt before and if we ll be back in the same uncertain place.
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I m struggling to understand my uncertainty because I can t articulate why I felt that way when we were so good together.
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We re young and spending time with them makes me happy.
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Is it okay?
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We don t have it figured out.
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I ve been listening to your podcast during my commute to get my mind off this stress.
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And I really liked it that you have more topics geared towards women recently.
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Your opinions are always a dose of reality.
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And I d love your opinion on all of this signed.
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So confused.
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Hey, Confused, look, it s okay to just be in a relationship.
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It doesn t have to be something that s going to end in marriage, and hell, many guys just want that.
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Just be aware that any time in any relationship, if you want to change the rules, you have to communicate, and you have to be able to handle him or her not wanting the same things, which may lead to the end of the relationship later down the line.
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This isn t necessarily a bad thing.
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One other thing I will note, though, is if you guys are still seeing each other, don t give him false hope that it s going to end in a marriage.
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You got to be very clear about the communication.
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You can t leave this thing open.
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And frankly, I think you should let him go and move on.
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I know you re probably thinking, well, you know, he likes seeing me and I like seeing him and we don t really want to move on just yet.
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You have to be very clear that you re not necessarily going to change your mind.
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Anything to the contrary, you re leading him on and you re wasting his time.
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It s funny because usually I give women this advice about men, but this just shows that these confusions, these mutual confusions, apply to both sexes in both directions.
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Hi Jordan, relationship questions have been answered in abundance on Fan Mail Friday recently, and I was wondering if you could help with something ever so slightly different.
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I come from a very competitive and opinionated family.
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I m the youngest of four siblings, ranging from the ages of 21 to 24.
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Two are actually cousins, but we practically grew up together, and we all regularly get into arguments and heated debates.
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I was always known as the quote-unquote dumb child, but I eventually got the best A-levels and went to one of the best universities in England.
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I study maths, but I m very good at thinking on my feet and have many interests in lots of other areas.
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I feel that my older brother doesn t respect how far I ve come since I was a kid.
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He still gives off this impression that he s still the most intelligent.
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I don t feel that he acknowledges that we had a difficult time growing up, but he helped raise me.
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So his respect and admiration or even acknowledgement of my intellect means a lot to me.
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Do you have any tips?
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Thanks a bunch.
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Under-acknowledged younger sibling.
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Hey, under-acknowledged, it s time for a heart-to-heart.
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Go out for a beer and a burger.
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Don t get drunk.
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That s not a good time to do these, especially because you won t remember what you talked about.
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But it is time for a chat.
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Don t whine about it when you do have the chat.
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You have to look at the scoreboard and say, what have you done to show him that you are a mature, smart, intelligent, responsible adult?
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If you haven t done anything but grow up, well, I got news for you.
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He still sees you in what s probably a very accurate perception of yourself.
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But here s the thing, our families will often always see us as the kids.
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Why does that bother you?
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That s the question you need to ask yourself.
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Why does this bother you so much?
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If you re seeking approval, you can just ask for it.
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Why does it matter what other people, even your own family, think of you?
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Why are you trying to prove to them that you re responsible?
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The easiest way to do this is to actually be that way and highlight it.
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If you haven t done anything to earn it, well, don t expect their opinion of you to change anytime soon.
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Hi Art of Charm.
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I m a new listener.
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I ve been with you gents for about three months.
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I m in love with the show and all that you do.
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I can t believe all the content you put out free of charge.
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Kudos to you and your team.
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I m apprehensive about writing this, but you re such a knowledgeable crew.
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I know you can help.
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Straight to the point.
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I get very anxious in social situations.
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I drink to make myself more comfortable and I often overdo it.
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Almost always get in arguments or other ridiculous situations.
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I did this again recently.
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I drank far too much and made a fool out of myself in fear that I said things I shouldn t have.
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I don t remember much, but some of the bits and pieces are so horrifying they make me shudder.
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Terrible things about my life, myself, friends, and even family.
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I m not sure if I m creating the worst-case scenario, much like your recent episode about jumping to conclusions in order to create some kind of control over the situation, or if I actually said these things.
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Please help me unscrew up my life.
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How do I approach these people?
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Or how do I handle being approached?
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I don t know how to come clean, not knowing what I said, but I feel terrible.
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How do I move on?
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How do I prevent this?
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Sincerely, FML.
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Hey, FML, I would strongly advise going to AA.
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Doesn t mean you re an alcoholic, I can t diagnose anything like that, but I will say that a lot of people there, and I ve gone to visit these things so that I can recommend these types of deals, a lot of people there drink, and they don t like what happens when they do, and they feel a little bit out of control when they drink, and it sounds like that s what you re telling me right now.
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Additionally, take some baby steps to be social without drinking.
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You don t have to throw yourself into situations where you only feel comfortable when drunk, like bars, clubs, and other nightlife.
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Go to meetups, take some classes, go to smaller social events, and frankly, if you feel comfortable only when you re drinking, even at those other events, revisit and see above my suggestion about maybe trying to go to AA and figuring out what the problem is here.
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You need to figure out why you re uncomfortable.
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Drinking masks the symptom of social anxiety.
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You need to figure out what makes you uncomfortable, why it keeps popping up, and what else you can do about it other than numbing it.
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Apply the toolbox, theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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There s also a female toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash women.
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You re gonna see some tools there.
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You should apply both the ones for men and for women in those social situations.
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That should help you get more comfortable, and that s what we do here at AOC.
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But definitely keep the drinking in check, and if you can t, avoid those events where you find yourself drinking too much.
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Go to kajabi.com slash charm and join the creators and entrepreneurs who have made over $7 billion.
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Hey, Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
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Winning is an everyday mindset, and Craig Robinson and John Calipari are here to help.
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On Ways to Win podcast, Craig and Coach Cal use their on-court wisdom to solve your off-court problems.
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Whether it s trouble at home or a workplace dilemma, the coaches will help you find a winning formula for success.
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You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
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Hi Jordan and Jason, I m a fairly new listener to AOC.
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Since I ve discovered it, I ve listened to all but maybe 15 episodes so far.
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It s amazing having listened to the show s evolution over the past nine years and witnessing my own changes in applying what you teach.
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My question is this, are women more attracted to guys who are taken, and if so, why?
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Sincerely, Scent of Single.
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Hey, scent of single, look, sometimes guys who are taken are more attractive.
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A lot of times the reason is because when you go out, when you meet new women, you don t have an agenda.
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You don t have any scarcity because you already have a girlfriend or you re married or whatever.
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You re already in a relationship and you re not outcome dependent because you re not trying to sleep with them.
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or get them to like you and those things taken in combination are very potently attractive.
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Now there is a certain breed of woman and man who only likes people who are taken and you ll be able to tell who they are because they only or mostly are attracted to you after they find out you re taken.
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However, if people are attracted to you
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and you re taken and they don t necessarily know, it s probably because you re exhibiting these attractive personality traits.
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This is a good thing.
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It shows that if you can act as if you re taken, as if you re already in a relationship even when you re not, the world is your oyster even when you re on the market.
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And of course, if you are in a relationship and you find people attracted to you, hey, enjoy the attention.
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Just don t act on it without expecting some consequences.
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Hey guys, my name s Gilly and I m 21 from Austin, Texas.
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I m a virgin.
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The problem is that it s more complicated than what people first listening will think.
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I grew up in a very strict Catholic family.
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Not long ago, I judged and condemned people for their actions or lack of what I think are important values.
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Since graduating high school and going through a sales job and meeting people since, my mind has opened up to new ways of thinking and perspectives.
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I realized that just because people have different values doesn t mean they re bad people.
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This realization is causing me to question my own values and the big one is my virginity.
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I feel as though no one values it anymore.
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I m always the one made fun of as I m not afraid to talk about it.
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Now, I want to have sex.
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I mean, who doesn t?
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But I ve held on to the standard for so long that I m scared to give it up.
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My mom is the only one my dad has ever been with.
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I say this because although my parents have been together for a long time, I don t think they re truly happy and I want to be happy.
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I ve heard good and bad stories from both sides.
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No matter what happens, I m proud of my virginity.
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My big question is how do I decide whether or not the value is worth holding till marriage?
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Plus, I don t want to be the 30-year-old virgin.
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From now, I ll wait to see if this gets read, but till then, I mma keep doing me.
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Silly Gilly.
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Hey, Silly Gilly.
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Look, man, this might be a little controversial, but you ve been lied to.
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That whole thing with the conservative upbringing and making it special and all this being a better person for being a virgin?
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Not true.
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Load of crap.
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Sorry.
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But anyway, get it over with.
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Don t make it a big deal.
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It s not a big deal.
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Your social programming, your religious programming, your conservative upbringing, that s what says it s a big deal.
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But socially, realistically, it s not that big of a deal.
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When I say get it over with, I mean be responsible, of course, use protection, anything you need to do.
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Do it with somebody you like.
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Don t make it awful and ruin it.
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But it s not something you need to hold up on a pedestal.
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If you re like most of the guys that I know, once it s happened, it s not something that you re gonna go, oh my gosh, I m so glad I waited so long.
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I literally don t know that many people who feel that way.
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Frankly, your parents are a different generation.
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All parents are, kind of by definition, a different generation.
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It has little bearing on you.
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Their values are probably really great otherwise, and many of those things will serve you very well throughout your life.
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This is not one of those things.
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It s also obviously affecting your confidence.
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That s a problem.
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Look, the rule of chastity before marriage, this was made up centuries ago, millennia ago probably, when people got married decades earlier, decades earlier than they do now.
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It wasn t even an issue back then.
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It was mostly to control people.
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In fact, it kind of still is.
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And in my opinion, this rule is no longer needed.
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Again, it s not serving you.
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Change it.
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I hope you all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget, you can email us at fridayattheartofcharm.com to get your questions answered here on the air.
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I did a weekly video about how to stop worrying so much about what other people think and how to control whatever s influencing your thoughts.
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A link to this blog post with that video and the resources I mentioned can be found at theartofcharm.com slash fmf60.
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And don t forget about the Art of Charm Challenge at theartofcharm.com slash challenge or text charmed, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444.
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There, we ll send you a step-by-step guide helping you become better at making personal and professional connections, becoming a better networker, increasing your personal social capital and charisma.
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And it s unisex.
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It s for both guys and gals.
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So check it out at theartofcharm.com slash challenge or text charmed to 33444.
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Quick shout out to Dieter in Columbia.
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He s been a fan of AOC for probably over eight years now, I think.
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Came to almost four or five programs, if memory serves.
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So awesome to hear from you, brother.
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So awesome to hear from you, brother.
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Be well down in Columbia.
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If you re a stranger, wait, are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up.
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I will shout you out.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com.
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Now, stay charming, get out there and connect, and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Now hopefully to do this without deleting it like last time.