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Time for Fan Mail Friday, where we ll be answering your questions and dropping some knowledge and feedback to help you kick the weekend off right.
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, this isn t a great place to start.
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Most of our content here is more in-depth and longer format, so check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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That s where we ve got fundamentals of body language and nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, and everything else we teach here at the Art of Charm.
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Alright, let s cut to it.
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I was listening to Dr. Aziz s calm confidence bonus episode where he s talking about being vulnerable with the people in your life that matter so they know where you re really at emotionally.
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I ve noticed a related but negative tendency among myself and mostly new acquaintances.
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We ll be in conversation, everything is going great, and then one of us will just put ourselves down or reveal a negative trait that really feels like it s framed to be a deal breaker.
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I know this is called putting yourself down, but what s the function of it?
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To fake being humble like bragging is faking confidence?
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It feels very compulsory and low value when I do it.
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My thought on its origin is that whatever the person reveals is such a fresh and open insecurity that they can t possibly continue this socialization without the instant gratification that the other person accepts this flaw.
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It can be played off as being vulnerable and brave, but I don t think it s in that camp.
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It feels more like forced intimacy.
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Is this an early 20s thing?
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Maybe more feminine?
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Is it universal and symptomatic of an all-around negative person?
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How can I make people comfortable enough that they don t put themselves down while still valuing myself enough not to do it too?
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Great question.
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The function of self-deprecation is often to help you be more relatable to other people and so you don t seem as braggy or maybe arrogant or as high social status as maybe you feel like you re being.
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It can also be kind of a feign for sympathy and can be a sign of low self-esteem.
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The act matters less than the intent behind the act.
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So if it s happening during small talk, it s probably to aid relating to one another, and women tend to do this more than men in common speech.
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If it s a repeated pattern, then it might be something else.
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You don t have to do it, and when others do it, you can simply accept it, like accepting a flaw, and the conversation will continue as normal.
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If they do it all the time, I would say limit your time with those types of people, as they are kind of the definition of an energy vampire, if they expect you to prop them up all the time.
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And if it s really, really chronic, and it s someone you re very close to, then they should maybe go to therapy and seek help, because it can be kind of like drinking too much soda.
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You don t notice it until your teeth fall out.
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and causes big problems, and this is the same type of thing.
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It starts to become negative self-talk instead of sort of witty banter between two not-so-close friends.
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Dear Jordan, I ve been listening to the podcast and I really feel like it s turning my life around.
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One of my best friends in the world is kind of skeptical though.
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He s a huge recluse and I want to get him going out more.
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I read your newsletter regularly and I saw something a while back about a dude whose friend was holding him back.
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This isn t really that, this is me wanting to share the ways that you ve changed my life with a friend who can be a bit defensive.
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What do you recommend?
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Signed, Sharing the Gospel.
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Hey man, thanks for sharing the word.
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I appreciate it, of course.
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I mean, that s one of the greatest ways we get new students here and new fans of the Art of Charm.
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It can be hard, though, for people to admit that they have social shortcomings.
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Honestly, the more you press your friend, the harder he might resist, so here s what I recommend.
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Use a soft touch.
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By that I mean share articles on your Facebook timeline or your Twitter feed.
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Don t single him out for your advice, and at the same time, tell him about how the AOC methods are helping you improve your social life.
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That s gonna go a lot further toward getting your friend interested in our stuff than lecturing him on how he needs to improve his life.
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In general, when you re in doubt, you need to lead by example.
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So also, get your butt in here and make changes so drastic he d be more than a fool to ignore them.
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More than one referral to the Art of Charm has come from guys who have friends, see them in action post-bootcamp, and realize they want and need the same results.
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Thanks again for being such a cool brand ambassador for AOC.
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Dear Jordan, I feel kind of stupid for even asking this, but what should I do about the fact that my mother hates my girlfriend?
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We re pretty close, and her approval means a lot to me.
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I don t know if there s any getting my mother to like my girlfriend, let alone love her as much as I do.
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What do you suggest?
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Signed, Mama s Boy.
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Hey, I know this is easier said than done, but what your mother thinks of your girlfriend really shouldn t factor into it.
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And I put shouldn t in little air quotes here, because I know it s, this is pretty tough.
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It can be a pretty tough task.
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Likewise, what your friends think, what your boss thinks, anyone who isn t you or your girlfriend should not factor into your relationship.
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A relationship is ultimately between the people in it and not anyone else.
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So let s talk for a minute about the mother thing.
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I get that your mother s approval is important to you, and I m not gonna suggest that your need for her approval isn t a real obstacle, but even if it were less important to you, having the disapproval of friends and family can be too much for a lot of relationships to handle.
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but from the sound of your email, there s nothing new here.
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It s been going on for a while.
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You re a grownup, so I ve got to ask, why do you care as much as you seem to care?
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At AOC, we teach men to be self-satisfied, self-amused, self-assured.
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No matter who doesn t like your girlfriend, your attitude should be the same.
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Who cares?
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What matters is what the two of you have, not what other people think of it.
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Have you asked your mother about why, specifically, she doesn t like her girlfriend?
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Are her reasons valid and grounded in logic, or are they kind of vague and emotional?
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How do other people in your family feel?
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What about your close friends?
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I m trying to see if there s smoke to the fire here, or if this is just an issue that your mother has and no one else.
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I realize, again, easier said than done, so best of luck and please report back.
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Hey Jordan, thanks for the great podcasts.
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As a young professional in a large company, I think they will start to influence the way I interact with not only my peers, but higher ups as well.
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As for my question, whenever I interact with my boss, he always laughs after comments he makes, comments I make, and random times throughout our conversations, even though they are not funny.
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It s not a long extended laugh, but more of a four or five second short laugh.
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It just feels fake to me, and it s not a random occurrence.
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I also know that he does this to others as well.
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After he does this laugh, it always leaves me questioning myself as to how I should respond.
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I ve been just laughing back and acting like whatever we were talking about was funny, but it s not genuine.
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It always leaves me feeling awkward.
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Can you provide any guidance or advice on how I can better respond?
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Thanks for everything you do.
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Signed, David.
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Interesting question, David.
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I ve got a couple of theories based only on this email, so I could be way off here.
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Don t take it as gospel.
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It sounds like your boss is a terrible listener, possibly, and he doesn t know what just happened or what you said, so he just laughs as kind of a default reaction.
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The way you can test it is this.
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Does he remember things you ve said?
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If not, it could just be ADHD straight up.
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I used to do this.
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Once I told a friend of mine
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that him having testicular cancer was quote-unquote hilarious because I was watching people dance in the next room and he said, look, I m pretty sure that you re either kidding or you re not paying attention because you just told me that my testicular cancer was hilarious and he told me that I needed to break that habit and I broke that habit because that was pretty embarrassing and luckily we were close friends and he kind of rolled his eyes and said, look, I m pretty sure you didn t just hear me.
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The other theory I have is maybe he s very awkward, or possibly even somewhere on the autism spectrum.
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Really far to one of the ends of that is Asperger s.
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It might just be that he doesn t know how to react.
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He doesn t know where laughter is appropriate, so he throws it in hodgepodge, thinking most people don t notice.
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And maybe he s never been corrected on that because he s in a position of authority.
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Or maybe he was corrected on that as a young kid, but it was done so by way of bullying.
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So it s really hard to say.
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but I m gonna go with that he s a bad listener, possibly on the autism spectrum.
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And honestly, there s nothing you need to do about it, but you can sort of dig a little bit deeper by seeing if he s a good listener or not.
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Hey, Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
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All right, back to Fan Mail Friday.
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Dear Jordan, I ve been dating this woman for a couple months now.
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I thought things were going great, but this morning she hit me with something kind of heavy.
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She says that she s not totally over her ex and that she wants to take a little time off.
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I m a bit crushed by this because, like I said, I thought that things were going well.
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I m willing to wait for her while she sorts her stuff out, but the question is, should I?
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How would you handle this?
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Signed, On Hold In Ohio.
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Hey, man, I would advise you strongly not to wait.
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Do not wait.
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In fact, I would advise you to move on entirely.
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If she wants to catch up to you after she gets her head together, that s great.
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If not, you ll live.
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This happens all the time.
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I know that doesn t make you feel any better right now, but there are a few problems with waiting for someone to get over their ex.
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What it really boils down to, though, is this.
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You have a finite amount of time on this planet.
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There are tons of women out there.
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Why you re going to waste your time on one that isn t into you as she s into her ex, I don t know.
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She might get over her ex in a timely fashion, or she might not.
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You need to value yourself enough to live your life on your schedule and not someone else s.
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Good luck, man.
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Alexis would like to know, we all know just say no doesn t work.
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As a master of influence and persuasion, what would you do to influence your own kids?
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Yeah, I agree with you, Alexis.
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This one s gonna be controversial for sure.
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Stop telling kids that bad people are going to offer them drugs.
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That s one of my chief pieces of advice.
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And this may not be true if you live in the hood and your kids pass dope dealers on their way to school or whatever, but it s not true for most of us who will be offered drugs by people that they like and trust.
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They re going to be offered drugs by their friends.
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They re going to be offered drugs by their older siblings or friends of older siblings.
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They re going to be offered drugs by their friends  parents or role models of some sort.
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And when we deliver this fiction of only bad people offer you drugs,
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What this does is it shows kids that you re full of crap the second they get an alternative message right in front of their face.
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And this alternative message is that people who offer them drugs are actually people they think are really cool, people that they trust and people that they respect.
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And one of the side effects, sadly, is that they see you as the one feeding them a load of crap, and they lose trust and respect for you, which makes it harder to alter or influence their behavior in the future.
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So illustrate explicit consequences instead.
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The consequences that people have from not only trying drugs, but liking them so damn much that they cannot stop using them.
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and losing control to the substance itself.
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It s very hard to keep people from trying drugs, especially when they see plenty of evidence that it s not only non-lethal and your brain s not gonna get fried, but that it s actually cool and that it s frickin  fun.
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It s much easier to educate them so when they have a choice, they can make the right one, rather than feeding them a lie, hoping they never find out the truth.
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blog post of the week, actually it s a video.
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I m starting to do a lot more video now.
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It s on the blog, and if you got it in your inbox via our email list, that s a great way to get those, too, before they re put up on the blog, and some will never make it to the blog, so make sure you re on the email list at theartofcharm.com, but the video s about proverbially holding the ladder and the roles you fall into, either by your own inaction or by the choice of someone else, and then kind of waking up one day and going, how did this happen?
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How did I get here?
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And reversing that process.
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sort of rewinding the process and looking back and saying, ah, here s where I didn t make a choice, here s where I didn t speak up, here s where I let other people drive the car, and you ll see why you re in certain situations in life that maybe you re not totally satisfied with.
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So that s on the blog, it s called The Roles We Fall Into, and it s a video, and it s very recent here on The Art of Charm at theartofcharm.com.
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Hope you all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget you can reach us at Friday at theartofcharm.com.
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We read everything.
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We d love to hear from you.
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Quick shout out to Jeremy listening in Vietnam.
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Very cool.
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Vietnam is a really fun place.
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I traveled around there by motorcycle right when the show first began around 2006, 2007.
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And a big shout to Jet Perez in Mexico who picked up podcasts now that it s become unfortunately very dangerous to go out and hang out at night in his town because of the gangs and cartels in his town.
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Yikes.
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Thanks for being a fan.
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Send me your address, Jet.
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I m gonna send you something cool to keep you entertained indoors.
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Are you in a strange land and listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up.
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I ll shout you out.
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More from the Art of Charm at theartofcharm.com.
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Now have a great weekend.
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Get out there and connect and leave everyone better than you found them.