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I ve got three beautiful kids, I ve got a beautiful wife, I ve got a beautiful husband, whatever it happens to be, and I ve got this business, I should be happy.
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But, you know, rather than allowing that to happen, they feel this insatiable guilt because they should be happy.
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Because if I m saying I m not happy, well, then basically what I m saying is my kids are not enough for me.
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My business is not enough for me.
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And maybe that s actually true.
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Welcome to the Art of Charm.
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I m your host, Jordan Harbinger.
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Today we re talking with a good friend of mine, Phil McKernan.
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We re gonna talk about the importance of uncovering your personal gift.
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Sounds a little woo-woo, but Philip s gonna explain this, not just the benefit of uncovering your unique gift, but the cost of not uncovering it in terms of happiness and fulfillment in your life.
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Of course, how to uncover that gift, and something that is near and dear to me, but your talent
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versus your gift, and oftentimes we get these things confused.
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We ll teach you how to separate it.
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And last but not least, some action steps so it s not just, we re not just scolding you today on not living your gift and not being able to uncover your true talents and what you re meant to do, but some exercises that ll help root you to that stuff and help you uncover what you may not already know or what you may, in your heart of hearts, have known for a long time.
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And by the way, if you re new to the show, we d love to send you some top episodes and the Art of Charm toolbox where we discuss things like how to read body language, expert nonverbal communication, the science of attraction, networking, negotiation techniques, mentorship, influence, persuasion tactics, everything else we teach here at the Art of Charm here in the United States, text charmed.
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C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444.
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You can also go to theartofcharm.com.
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And also at theartofcharm.com slash podcast, you can find the full show notes for this and all previous episodes of the show.
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Alright, here s Philip McKernan.
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One of the things that we were talking about pre-show, penciling in time with no purpose, and this goes for entrepreneurs, but I would say this goes for pretty much everybody because I had a friend over yesterday, he works at Google, and he said, today has just been an awesome day.
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It was probably 10 p.m.
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we were at my house doing like a fake podcast
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his wife, their anniversary, I had him tell the story of how they met, which, by the way, is a great idea for people if you re struggling for a gift, do some sort of video or recording mashup of how you guys met and she will love it.
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I had him over around nine, 10 o clock, and he said, today was a really great day because I went to work and I came home and I did a workout in the middle of my lunch hour, because I wasn t hungry, and then I came home, I put my kids to bed, and now I m out seeing a friend.
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He s like, that s more than I do in most weeks.
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because he just goes to work all the time.
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And like I said, he works at Google, and he works pretty decent hours.
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He s an attorney there, actually, from my law school days.
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He goes, so just enjoy not having kids.
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And having kids is great, but you have no idea how much time you have right now, even when you think you don t.
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And for myself, I know I m always on the go.
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I can be at the airport on a plane, which most people consider to be work enough, and I m sitting there plowing through, reading something, writing something, and whenever anybody tells me, like you just did earlier, plan some time where you re just not doing anything, it triggers something in me that is a mixture of guilt and it s the thing where you say to yourself, yeah, I should do that, but it s probably not gonna happen.
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whatever we want to name that.
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the, I think, human need for that silence and that space.
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I m not talking about meditation here.
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Meditation is not the answer.
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This is not what I m talking about.
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I m talking about something more sacred and something that it s giving ourselves permission.
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And a lot of times entrepreneurs just can t even fathom the concept.
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When you say plan time to do nothing, I m just thinking of a giant block on my calendar that says relax or says do nothing, and that turns into, oh good, I finally have time to zero out my inbox, and then when that s done, I m gonna read this book, and then when that s done, so it turns into a flex block instead of a block where you re actually not doing anything.
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To me, I do probably every quarter, and it s not this religious thing where it happens on a specific date or everything else.
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Every quarter, I basically block probably two nights away on my own.
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And people go, for what?
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And I go, just for me time.
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And what about your wife?
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And well, what about her?
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And then what about your kids?
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But you re always it s incredible how uncomfortable people are.
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Even people who hear it, they just instantly react to it and judge it because they know they re not doing it.
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And they know deep down somewhere it s actually pissing them off because it s exposing something in them that they just simply don t do.
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Why is this?
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I mean, is this part of the high achiever disease, right, where we think, look, I ve gotta fill up all my time, that s what we ve been doing since junior high or high school, it s part of the reason we got to where we are today, and now you re telling us, hey, by the way, you should switch that off every now and then.
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It s like, what are you talking about?
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This is what s keeping the lights on.
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The whole world s gonna fall apart if I don t do this.
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Yeah, I think so.
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I think we ve started to derive a lot of our value from how busy we are.
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And I think that s an unfortunate reality in the world today.
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I mean, I think there s some value in that, but I think it s an identity issue as well.
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Also, I think busy people are running from something.
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Now, busy people don t like to hear this.
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And trust me, I was one and I still am.
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Sometimes I fall into this trap of being too busy, of which, quite frankly, Jordan, I ll be very straight with you.
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I found myself in that in the last month or two.
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And I can rationalize and justify that it s all coming together, make hay while the sun shines.
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But that s a bullshit rationalization that ultimately what I m doing right now doesn t feel, like it just feels a little bit too busy and I m not as connected as I ordinarily would be.
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So I have to just trust that or do what I normally do, just ignore it and get busy.
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But what I realize is my busyness
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was hiding me for something, like I was running from something.
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It wasn t like running to, that s what I told myself, but I was running from.
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And what I personally was running from was something in the more gifted space, if you like.
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It might sound very self-serving or arrogant, but something more in the serving space.
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And it frightened me.
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I told the world I wanted to make a difference, but really I was scared shitless about the reality that maybe one day I could find out what that looked like.
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But if I stayed really busy, I could hide from my gifts.
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And that is very advantageous for a lot of people who don t want to be seen in the world today.
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I agree with that, and from a perspective of somebody who creates a bunch of content like these shows, a lot of people have written in the recent past, hey look, you re doing a lot more prep, it s a lot better, and I realized, look, now I m reading all the books, and I m doing a lot more research on each guest, and I m really getting into it.
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and Jenny, my fiancee, is the first one to point this out, I bragged for a long time, years, oh, I don t need to read the book, I can just do some quick prep, and then the guest sends over these prep documents, and I can just rely on those, and I realized that that was a failure.
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fun sort of hacky thing to do in the beginning, but really what the purpose ended up being was, well, if the show s not good, I can blame the guest s prep, or if the show s not that good, I can say, look, I have no time, I m doing so many other things that these last few episodes weren t that good for whatever reason.
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Now that I m all in and I m reading and doing tons of research and practicing and taking classes on making sure my presentation is spot on, now if it s not that good, I have nowhere to look but the mirror.
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And that s a scarier place to be than to just blame other people for taking up too much of your time or not doing their part or not pulling their weight.
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Yeah, and I love that.
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And I think I ve seen that it s very prevalent in the world today where I m seeing and meeting literally.
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I mean, I spoke to one on the phone today and this guy is very successful on paper, but he s got three different businesses.
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And of course, it s not cool anymore to have one business.
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You ve got to have at least three businesses to be cool in the world or to be successful or to be seen as
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in that entrepreneurial busy club.
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And I don t mean that anybody that s got three businesses that s listening to this is wrong or they re misaligned, but often it comes at a cost that we re unwilling to even create the space to allow the possibility of that cost to emerge.
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But there s another advantageous element of this is that if three businesses do OK,
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But not one of them shines and not one of them elevates your gifts.
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Not one of them impacts the world.
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You can go, well, I was too busy.
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I mean, I did three things pretty well.
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I mean, I could have done gone bigger in that one.
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I just didn t have the bandwidth.
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But that lack of bandwidth has been created by one individual, and that is the person in the mirror every single day.
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So what do you recommend if we find ourselves sitting in a situation where, all right, I ve got two businesses and a family or one business and a family, and I m creating all this work for myself, what s the first step into realizing you re not doing yourself any favors here and we need to scale it back?
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I mean, how do we decide what to scale back on?
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Okay, so let me try and address this with a kind of a sidebar example.
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So let s just say, Jordan, somebody comes to me and says, hey, my wife sent me, I m an alcoholic.
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I said, great.
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Is she the only one that thinks that?
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Well, no, all my friends, they ve known me from high school.
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They all think I m an alcoholic.
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In fact, my mom and dad think I m an alcoholic.
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My brother, my sister think I m an alcoholic.
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I actually think my dog even thinks I m an alcoholic.
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Anyway, what s the first thing I could do to change it?
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And I go, before we go into changing anything, do you believe you re an alcoholic?
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I go, well, you know, I could be.
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I mean, it s possible.
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I mean, if I look at the scientific breakdown of it and the definition in a dictionary, I mean, I could be, but I don t really think I ve got any.
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In fact, I think I could just give up tomorrow.
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I don t think I m reliant on it.
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There is absolutely nothing in this world other than a Band-Aid, which I don t believe works, that I can give that man or that individual to really eradicate and to work on the alcoholism in his life and ultimately why it exists and what s missing in his life that he has to prop it up and so on.
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on and so forth.
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So to me, when busy people come, a lot of busy people don t believe there s a challenge.
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They think they re busy and that s part of it.
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And that s actually it s become the norm.
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So it s we are in a world today that unless you re busy, there s something wrong with you.
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So you go into a coffee shop.
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Hey, how you doing?
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Yeah, I ve got nothing on.
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People look at you and go, what is wrong with you?
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Where it s now cool to be busy.
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I m flat out.
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I m just so chaotic.
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It s unbelievable.
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But I have so many opportunities.
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So to me, as it s starting to understand, not just intellectually, but emotionally, why do you stay busy?
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Now, what people will answer is typically some variation of this.
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No, no, no, but it makes all sense.
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This business here feeds this business here.
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This business here is an overarching umbrella.
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It s all under the same, you know, in other words, they re rationalizing, justifying and they re telling themselves a spectacular story.
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And they re only just shy of using a PowerPoint presentation to prove to themselves, the world and their family that this all makes sense and there s no cost.
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If they have the courage to go below that, maybe some of it s not a lie, but isn t that the case?
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Don t you have to do some shit sometimes that you don t want to do?
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And if you just keep going below, below, why are you busy?
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You re giving me all these intellectual reasons, but you re not telling me why you re busy.
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You re busy because you re either running from something.
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You re busy because you believe busyness equals business or success.
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You re running because you re afraid of actually uncovering your gift as opposed to just executing your talent.
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You re busy and you don t give yourself real space, maybe because you don t actually like who you are.
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I m not saying all of them equal the other.
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I m just saying there are some of the variations.
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But people don t stop.
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because they re too busy to figure it out.
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But here s what happens, Jordan.
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If they don t stop, there s a very high likelihood, not the inevitability, but incredibly high likelihood, if it s not today, it may be five years, it could be 20, that they might hit a wall and realize that I was busy doing a lot of shit that I wasn t actually meant to do in the beginning.
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How do we separate?
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You said something like executing their talents instead of finding their gift.
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What does that mean?
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So, for example, my wife, who is a qualified accountant, and in order to understand why she became an accountant, you ve got to go back to her story.
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Most people look at her being an accountant, just assume that was a choice that she made.
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And of course, it was a conscious choice in the end, but it was driven by subconscious insecurity.
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And what I mean by that is she grew up around poverty.
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So she had and people that have experienced poverty, you know, often want to move from poverty, but they spend the rest of their life running from what they don t want, as opposed to stopping at some point in their life and saying, hey, I m running from what I don t want.
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That s not necessarily a positive energy.
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Maybe I need to pivot and start to consider, OK, what do I want?
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So she went to her career guidance person in school in the Irish school system years ago.
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He said, hey, you re amazing with maths.
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Why don t you become an accountant?
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Your sister s an accountant.
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And by the way, you ll get paid pretty well and it s a secure job.
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And she goes, wow, cool.
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So she executed her talent because she was genuinely talented with numbers.
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But what she never did or never took the time to understand was the difference between a talent and a gift.
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And my belief is they re a gift.
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Some would call it a passion.
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I want to go deeper than the concept of passion, because I think passion has been slapped on so many different things in the world today.
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And our gift is in our inherent ability to move the needle emotionally for other people.
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In other words, make an impact in somebody else s life.
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And that s something that my wife, Pauline, never stopped to even consider.
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And then in that lens, in that process, she realized, oh, my God, I never want to be an accountant.
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That s just something I kind of fell into.
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So she literally resigned from being an accountant two years ago, like literally resigned.
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So she is now technically not an accountant for her, not for everybody, but for her, it was incredibly liberating.
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This makes sense because if you re just running away from something that you don t want, you could be running in the opposite direction of something that you do want.
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If you think about this on a map, if there s point A and that s what you don t want but where you find yourself growing up in poverty, for example, you could run
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I guess you would say east, really far, towards being an accountant, because that s far away from poverty, but all the way to the west, well west of poverty, is something that you actually wanted to do, which would have gotten you similar results, but made you much happier and allowed you to make an impact on other people.
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And listen, you know, as I describe this, I mean, Jordan, you haven t met my wife yet, but I m telling you one thing.
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She s a very smart, intelligent lady.
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This is not about stupidity.
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This is not about intellect.
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This is a really smart lady who just, when I remember, and I m not trying to take credit for it, it s her courage, her insights.
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But I remember sitting down one day and said, have you ever thought about letting go of what you don t want and what you did experience in your past, which didn t serve you?
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and the pain that you went through and actually stopping and considering what you do want.
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And the only way I can describe it, she was looking at me as if I had just asked her to order a pizza in Mandarin, which she cannot speak.
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And this is a very smart, intelligent, beautiful soul.
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No one had ever said and given her permission.
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Actually, that s what s coming up right now for me, permission to say, hey, you can let go of what you don t want.
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and you can begin to dream about what s possible for your life.
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And it sounds so simple and that s the beauty about it is, but it s not easy because what we ve been through, the insecurities that we carry from that, the fears we carry, it is so difficult to let that go because it s part of our identity.
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It has defined so much.
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And then the other thing we tell ourselves is go, hang on a second, McKernan.
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My drive for making sure I don t experience poverty has built my business.
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It s built my empire.
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If I didn t have that drive, I wouldn t be where I am now.
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That s number one is an assumption.
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Number two is yes, but it s probably come at a cost because what you ve probably done is you ve become a workaholic.
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and you have this insatiable need to provide the revenue, but maybe you re just not as connected with your kids or your wife or your husband at home.
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So there s always a cost to that.
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What I m saying is if you can just let go of this drive from what you don t want, it doesn t mean that your results go to shit or go down.
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You just basically reduce the expectations on your shoulders.
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It doesn t mean drive goes away.
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Expectations and drive are two different things.
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They re like separate silos.
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The point you make about your wife being a smart person, I think that makes perfect sense, right?
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Because I think a lot of smart people actually are more vulnerable to going a direction that seems logical and seems like, oh, this will provide the income I need and the stability I need, because we re thinking, well, all right, I m gonna need this much money to live this kind of lifestyle, and I ve run the calculations, and this is what my parents did, and this is what s gonna make this person proud.
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This is how I m gonna put my kids through school.
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Alright, if you add it all into the magic calculator machine, it looks like being a lawyer is a good idea.
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Nobody says that it s not a good idea, and everybody I ve talked to, surprisingly not that many lawyers, also think I should be a lawyer, so let s go to law school.
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It s a perfectly rational, logical decision, and a logical, rational career.
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to sign up for, and then after a few years, or in my case, a few years of law school, you go, oh wait, this was probably not the greatest idea.
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But nobody really wants to hear it, because what your parents or whoever s around you who means really well and wants you to do well says, well, things are tough, you know, life is tough, or you don t always love your job, or it s okay not to like your job, or it s all right, most people don t like their job, or something along those lines, and the smart person doesn t go,
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Oh, this feels bad.
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A lot of smart people who are very logical and have very great minds when it comes to things like math and law, they go, you re right, you know what, I just need to stick it out, I m a hard worker, I always have been a hard worker, this is just another test.
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Absolutely.
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And there s two other little subtleties or significant things, I don t know, depending on the listener s perspective, but is the guilt.
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So, for example, if your father is saying to you, listen, I m just using him as an example, if your father is saying to you, you know, listen, there s parts of your job you don t like, or if he goes a step further and goes, shit, I would love to have been a lawyer, for example, and that s something that you ve achieved, you
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contemplating moving away from that, contemplating pivoting and doing something different comes with a tremendous amount of guilt because this is the dream and the aspiration that your dad had, who s ironically living his life vicariously now through you.
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How can you possibly give that up?
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And the other one that haunts a lot of highly educated people is and even business owners who have no education is that, oh, but God, I put five years into this.
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Don t tell me this is not aligned.
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I m not telling you at all because I can feel it in you and you know it yourself.
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I don t need to tell you.
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But what I m telling you is that if you don t address it today, it s going to haunt you tomorrow because you re going to spend another 10 years in it.
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You re saying I ve got to walk away from all those five years of study, those four years of building and grinding this business.
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And they re looking at it as lost time and lost opportunity, as opposed to this incredible awareness and gift that 99 percent of most of the population never
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get, and that is, I know in my heart and soul what I m doing today is not an alignment, and I need to pivot or want to pivot, and I can do that in time, or I can do it in a very organic way, or I can just cut it off at the neck and start again.
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If you re listening to this right now and thinking, oh my gosh, this is me, I never should have been a high school guidance counselor or whatever, how do we start to uncover our gift?
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Because it s really hard to say, I need to pivot, and have no idea what direction we need to pivot towards.
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Is it, though?
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I don t know.
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I would have said exactly the same thing.
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This takes tremendous courage.
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This is a huge evolution.
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This is a massive transformation.
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This is an enormous pivot.
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But is it really?
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I m asking you to consider just letting go of what you do, not even executing on giving it up, just letting go emotionally, just saying, OK, what if I didn t do this?
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I m talking about beginning the conversation, not doing anything, just letting go softly of saying, if I wasn t a podcast host, if I wasn t a widget builder, if I wasn t an accountant, if I wasn t whatever, what could I do?
2
SPEAKER_01
And don t shut that conversation down, because what it does is it exposes the identity crisis that you have.
2
SPEAKER_01
In other words, most of your identity is wrapped into what you do.
2
SPEAKER_01
And what it does, it gives you this wonderful freedom.
2
SPEAKER_01
But if we frame it like it s really difficult and hard, it s going to be really difficult and hard.
2
SPEAKER_01
Why not invite it in?
2
SPEAKER_01
And not just the words, but feel it and say, hey, this is fun.
2
SPEAKER_01
Why do I have to be worried about this?
2
SPEAKER_01
Is it that difficult?
2
SPEAKER_01
So the first process is understanding or beginning to understand the cost of doing nothing about this.
2
SPEAKER_01
In other words, my wife didn t pivot.
2
SPEAKER_01
until she started to get in touch with the fact that she went to a job or an industry every single day that stole a part of her soul, that she was giving away a part of her soul or, more importantly, a part of her soul wasn t arriving, like it wasn t showing up, it wasn t shining, her gift wasn t being presented to the world.
2
SPEAKER_01
So she had to get in touch with the cost.
2
SPEAKER_01
Otherwise, nothing was going to change.
2
SPEAKER_01
So, for example, Jordan, you and I both spoke at Thrive in San Diego within the last week.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I met a gentleman the night before and he said, I said, what s your biggest challenge?
2
SPEAKER_01
He says, I want to get out of the software job I m in.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I said, great, how much?
2
SPEAKER_01
And he goes, what do you mean?
2
SPEAKER_01
I said, what s the pain out of 10?
2
SPEAKER_01
10 being where you are right now is excruciating.
2
SPEAKER_01
He says it s eight.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I said, well, the pain needs to be 12.
2
SPEAKER_01
He goes, no, I disagree.
2
SPEAKER_01
I said, well, I ll prove it to you that it needs to be 12.
2
SPEAKER_01
He says, go.
2
SPEAKER_01
I said, how many years have you wanted to get out?
2
SPEAKER_01
14 years, 14 years, 14 fucking months is too long.
2
SPEAKER_01
Never mind 14 years, because that s 14 months or in his case, 14 years of his soul.
2
SPEAKER_01
The effect and the erosion on this man s confidence is enormous.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I asked him, I said, if you cannot motivate or inspire yourself to do it, this might sound guilt ridden or whatever, but so be it.
2
SPEAKER_01
What is the impact on you going to work doing something that you don t want to do every day on your children?
2
SPEAKER_01
And some might say, well, that s a very unfair question.
2
SPEAKER_01
No, it s not an unfair question.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s a real question.
2
SPEAKER_01
It s a real question that s real and happening in real time.
2
SPEAKER_01
He said, I m literally getting emotional right now and I don t mean mad.
2
SPEAKER_01
I m literally holding back tears right now because this is not required in the world today.
2
SPEAKER_01
He said, my kids get to witness a dad who s just not fully alive.
2
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_02
And that s what they re they re going to model.
2
SPEAKER_02
Well, this is what work is supposed to be like.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s what they re going to model.
2
SPEAKER_01
And ironically, fast forward the conversation I set up 20 years from now, little Johnny, whatever your son or daughter s name has come to you and say, hey, dad, this is my situation.
2
SPEAKER_01
What would you say to them?
2
SPEAKER_01
And he looked me in the eye and he said, I would tell them to move, not to put up with that, that they deserve more.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I believe in you more than this.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I said, well, that s going to be a lecture in 20 years unless you re the inspiration now.
2
SPEAKER_01
They ve got to see that their dad is prepared to pivot and move or transition from situations and relationships that simply do not deserve them.
2
SPEAKER_01
Otherwise, that s what you re modeling for your children.
2
SPEAKER_03
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2
SPEAKER_02
Now, back to the show.
2
SPEAKER_02
It s scary when we think we re not just doing it to ourselves, but we re doing it to everybody around us, because we like to think that we can have everybody fooled, including ourselves, I should say, and that we re holding it together pretty well, and I think holding it together pretty well, it s like the current Facebook status of pretty much 90% of the working world here in the United States.
2
SPEAKER_02
Even people who run their own businesses kind of just holding it in its current status, barely keeping it together.
2
SPEAKER_02
And we think that nobody else can see it, especially our family, but they re the first trench.
2
SPEAKER_02
They re the ones who see it first every day when you come home or don t come home and when you re tired all the time and when your time off is spent in bed recovering or trying to fake like you re having fun and that you re not thinking about or worrying about something in the office.
2
SPEAKER_01
100%.
2
SPEAKER_01
And the interest with a lot of particularly entrepreneurs, and it s not exclusive to entrepreneurs, is that they don t want other people to see it because there s a shame.
2
SPEAKER_01
They should be happy and inverted commas because they ve got the business, they ve got the accolades, they ve got the turnover, they ve got the team, they ve got whatever.
2
SPEAKER_01
And they feel the guilt in actually stopping and allowing anybody to see, even themselves to begin with, that actually, despite having all of this,
2
SPEAKER_01
I ve got three beautiful kids, I ve got a beautiful wife, I ve got a beautiful husband, whatever it happens to be, and I ve got this business, I should be happy.
2
SPEAKER_01
But, you know, rather than allowing that to happen, they feel this insatiable guilt because they should be happy.
2
SPEAKER_01
Because if I m saying I m not happy, well, then basically what I m saying is my kids are not enough for me.
2
SPEAKER_01
My business is not enough for me.
2
SPEAKER_01
And maybe that s actually true.
2
SPEAKER_01
Maybe there s a truth in that.
2
SPEAKER_01
And the other thing is they feel they ve got to figure this shit out on their own.
2
SPEAKER_01
If they just keep their head down,
2
SPEAKER_01
the ship will right itself, that somewhere down the line it ll fix itself.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I had a conversation with a business owner recently who s in a lot of pain.
2
SPEAKER_01
No one knows it.
2
SPEAKER_01
Absolutely no one except his wife is now really starting to see the cracks and he can t even hide it from her anymore.
2
SPEAKER_01
He won t ask for help because you know what?
2
SPEAKER_01
He s got to figure it out on his own.
2
SPEAKER_01
And good luck with that strategy, because that is something I thought I could do because I had too much pride.
2
SPEAKER_01
I had too much of an ego.
2
SPEAKER_01
I just felt I needed to have it.
2
SPEAKER_01
And who else out there could possibly help me?
2
SPEAKER_01
who out there knows me well enough to help me.
2
SPEAKER_01
And that just didn t work for me as an individual.
2
SPEAKER_01
And when I stopped and I finally reached out for help and I allowed the world to see that perhaps I m not as happy as I pretend to be on Facebook every day, that s when stuff actually started to change.
2
SPEAKER_01
And it s not perfect now.
2
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It s not perfect and it never will be.
2
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But I m in such a better place as a result of that.
2
SPEAKER_02
Earlier in the show, you had mentioned talents versus gifts.
2
SPEAKER_02
I think a lot of times people kind of conflate these two things, and a lot of folks, especially, I see this in the athletic realm and the business realm, people think, well, I m naturally good at this, so this is the direction that I, obviously, I need to go in this direction.
2
SPEAKER_02
And I don t think that s necessarily true.
2
SPEAKER_02
I used to be a quiet, shy kid who never really talked much, certainly not in front of other people, and now that s 90% of what I do now, and I love it.
2
SPEAKER_02
So I don t necessarily think that talents and gifts are the same thing.
2
SPEAKER_02
Would you agree with that?
2
100%.
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, number one is just because you re good at what you do doesn t mean you like who you are.
2
SPEAKER_01
That s a slightly separate issue, but it s all related.
2
SPEAKER_01
But your gift, you can walk through this earth and execute your talent every single day and you can get the results, you can get the accolades, you can get the revenue, you can sometimes attract great people into your life.
2
SPEAKER_01
But if you don t find the space to honour your gift, not execute it, but honour your gift and allow your gift to shine, whatever your gift is, your unique lens of your gift is, I do believe that it comes at a price on two levels.
2
SPEAKER_01
Number one is your soul doesn t shine.
2
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And number two is people don t get to see the best part of you, the parts of you that ultimately can stir them and help them elevate their lives.
2
SPEAKER_01
and move through life in a better way.
2
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
2
SPEAKER_01
So, for example, let s just go back to use my wife and examples.
2
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My wife could have she could have rationalized that as an accountant, she s helping people.
2
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And that s the story she told herself.
2
SPEAKER_01
And that s the story she kept holding on to.
2
SPEAKER_01
And the reality is, what does that mean?
2
SPEAKER_01
Well, I m helping people get clear on money and I m helping people manage money and I m helping people make sure they don t fall and get into trouble with the taxman and everything else.
2
SPEAKER_01
So she is she s helping people on an intellectual level, no doubt.
2
SPEAKER_01
Then she could even argue that actually, well, hang on a second.
2
SPEAKER_01
There s a lot of emotion around money.
2
SPEAKER_01
In fact, a lot of couples split up.
3
SPEAKER_00
Most couples split up statistically has been proven.
3
SPEAKER_00
I don t know by who and I don t know exactly the source that actually the cause of most marriage breakdowns is money.
3
SPEAKER_00
I completely disagree with that.
3
SPEAKER_00
I think what it does is exposes the issues in relationship, exposes the conversations that people aren t having and so on.
3
SPEAKER_00
But it s never I don t believe it s the cause of it.
3
SPEAKER_00
So she could have said that.
3
SPEAKER_00
But the reality is that s what she was telling herself.
3
SPEAKER_00
And now she s working with women and she s helping them see the value that they have in the world.
3
SPEAKER_00
She s helping them understand
3
SPEAKER_00
how they can understand what their place in this Earth is amongst the busyness and the pressure of trying to hold down a home, trying to hold down kids, in her case, living with a strong character, male character such as me.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, how do they find their identity in all of that washing machine of movement and everything else?
3
SPEAKER_00
She realized that was the journey she had to go through and continues to go through.
3
SPEAKER_00
And now she s helping other women do it.
3
SPEAKER_00
So the joy she s getting, like, Jordan, I look in her face
3
SPEAKER_00
I asked her to describe, say, one insider, one I had, a client of hers had.
3
SPEAKER_00
I never saw Joey even remotely similar in all years as an accountant, not even close.
3
SPEAKER_00
If I put them all together, it doesn t even mask, like even mirror remotely.
3
SPEAKER_00
The joy she gets from now helping women to see how beautiful they really are and take away the pressures of being something that they re not, et cetera, et cetera.
3
SPEAKER_00
The gift and the talent, the gift is something that s mechanical.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s intellectual.
3
SPEAKER_00
The talent is.
3
SPEAKER_00
The gift is something that lies more in the emotional space.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it s your ability to allow people to see you, who you really are.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s the ability to have the courage to be vulnerable.
3
SPEAKER_00
It is your innate ability to move the needle emotionally for somebody else to show them and let them know that they matter and how you align that in terms of to who you are to the lens of your story.
3
SPEAKER_00
So if I m somebody in a very, very simple level, if I m somebody who suffered with depression, there s nobody better qualified in the world.
3
SPEAKER_00
They may not have letters after their name to help people and empathize with people who have depression because I myself have experienced.
3
SPEAKER_00
I believe there s two things to human beings.
3
SPEAKER_00
Number one is every human being wants to make an impact.
3
SPEAKER_00
And if you go back to its nakedness, like you strip it all away, all the bone marrow even away, and you go back to its truest essence, here s what I believe, is that every human being wants to make an impact, number one.
3
SPEAKER_00
And number two is they pretty much want to either eradicate or fast track the pain that they themselves experienced for other people.
3
SPEAKER_00
I can put all sorts of labels and taglines on my work.
3
SPEAKER_00
Ultimately, I don t want people to go through this earth and spend 37 or 38 years like I did to find their gift, to understand it, to unleash it on the world.
3
SPEAKER_00
So ultimately what I m doing is I m actually I m coming back and I m taking the pain and the discomfort and the arduous amounts of time it took me to figure out who I am and what I m here to do.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I just want to fast track or eliminate that pain for other people.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s in essence what I m doing.
3
SPEAKER_01
You ve got some exercises called One Last Letter and One Last Talk.
3
SPEAKER_01
I think it takes different formats depending kind of on the format of what you re teaching at the time.
3
SPEAKER_01
Can you tell us about that?
3
SPEAKER_01
What does that relate to?
3
SPEAKER_01
How can that help us?
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, so I remember, you know, going to various conferences of which there s many, there s a lot of value out there, and one of the consistent themes, and it s not overwhelming, but just sometimes lying under the surface is that sometimes people who are sitting in an audience, and I was one of these for years, is looking at these well-known speakers, these well-known authors or whatever,
3
SPEAKER_00
who are delivering great value in many cases, but looking at them and somewhere deep down going, yeah, but hang on a second, that s Jordan.
3
SPEAKER_00
You know, he s got a podcast and he s got this charisma and he s got this amazing voice and he s got like, yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
And not to detract in one iota from what you ve achieved.
3
SPEAKER_00
But what we do is we look at that achievement of that person in some way, shape or form deep down.
3
SPEAKER_00
We kind of sometimes discount it, not discount them, but discount ourselves in the context and the shadow of them.
3
SPEAKER_00
So that was number one.
3
SPEAKER_00
Number two is people don t sometimes realise how powerful their story is.
3
SPEAKER_00
They go, oh, listen, I mean, I d love to be a speaker, but I don t have that story.
3
SPEAKER_00
I d love to write a book about my life, but I don t have anything dramatic that happened in my life.
3
SPEAKER_00
So we compare ourselves.
3
SPEAKER_00
So I got frustrated with this and I said, I m going to create an event called One Last Talk.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I put speakers on a stage who have to give their one last talk, the last talk they ll ever give before they die.
3
SPEAKER_00
And they get 15 minutes to do it.
3
SPEAKER_00
One five.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then here s the cool twist, I believe is the cool twist, is 80 percent of the speakers have never spoken in their lives before.
3
SPEAKER_00
So I take them on a speaker retreat and I love to help extract, not tell them what to speak about, but extract the greatest story that s not the coolest and the sexiest, but the story that represents the essence of who they are on this earth, the pain, the good, the bad and the ugly, and encourage them to have the immense courage to get on a stage and share that talk, not to look good,
3
SPEAKER_00
but to let people know around the globe that they re not alone.
3
SPEAKER_00
So these beautiful souls get on the stage and share their vulnerability and with a purpose of helping other people.
3
SPEAKER_00
And what s come out of it has been absolutely immense in terms of how people start to believe and know for the first time in their lives that their story actually matters.
3
SPEAKER_00
But I do an exercise in an audience at a keynote speech if I m invited to speak at an event sometimes where I say, what would your one last talk be?
3
SPEAKER_00
What would you speak about?
3
SPEAKER_00
And what I m trying to achieve is I
3
SPEAKER_00
outside of all the busyness and all the stories you re telling yourself, if you had to distill down your life to your children, to your wife, to your husband, to your community, to just a legacy piece that stayed online forever, what would you speak about?
3
SPEAKER_00
Would you speak about all the amazing deals you did in real estate?
3
SPEAKER_00
Would you speak about all the money you save people as an accountant?
3
SPEAKER_00
Would you speak about the 50 cars you bought, the house you flipped, the $10 million?
3
SPEAKER_00
Would you really speak about that or would you go deeper?
3
SPEAKER_00
What would you really share with this world?
3
SPEAKER_00
And it s been a real soul stirring exercise of getting people to understand who they are at their core.
3
SPEAKER_00
And it s often very interesting to see what shows up from the stories we tell ourselves.
3
SPEAKER_00
Then when we re giving something and I don t like to use the word urgency, but when we re asked to create something of substance and meaning in 15 minutes, it really focuses the mind and opens the heart.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, no pressure, guy who s never spoken before, right?
3
SPEAKER_01
But that pressure is good because you cut out a lot of the overthinking and BS when you ve got to literally go up and present it unadulterated, because you only have what s on your mind, which is the thing you ve been avoiding anyway, right?
3
SPEAKER_01
You only have the thing that comes to you first because you don t have enough time to kind of bullshit your way into something that sounds better and is safer.
3
SPEAKER_00
And we had one speaker, I mean, and again, obviously, I would never name names.
3
SPEAKER_00
We ve had one speaker in the three or four years I ve been running this experience, one speaker who got up and tried to be vulnerable, but the emotion didn t meet it.
3
SPEAKER_00
In other words, he felt that was the thing he needed to do.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I asked my wife, what did you think of his talk?
3
SPEAKER_00
She said, I just didn t believe him.
3
SPEAKER_00
I just didn t believe him.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s not because he s a bad person.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s not because he was trying to, you know, get up there and manipulate the audience.
3
SPEAKER_00
He just wasn t ready to go.
3
SPEAKER_00
He was very calculated in his vulnerability because he still cared deeply what the audience thought of him.
3
SPEAKER_00
And as the speakers get on that stage, I remind them one after another, after another, each time I said, this is not about you.
3
SPEAKER_00
This is about a part of your story.
3
SPEAKER_00
And you re delivering this story to help other people.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s not about you.
3
SPEAKER_00
I ve seen courage on that stage, Jordan, more courage than I could ever muster in a lifetime.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s been extraordinary.
3
SPEAKER_01
I can imagine the things that come out when people have to face an entire lifetime of kind of self-delusion and things like that.
3
SPEAKER_01
For some people, it s an entire lifetime.
3
SPEAKER_01
For some of us, hopefully it s only a few years.
3
SPEAKER_01
Maybe if you re really young and lucky, only a few months.
3
SPEAKER_01
But I think for most of us, we ve been...
3
SPEAKER_01
looking at something and telling ourselves a story about it for so long, we don t even remember when we started.
3
SPEAKER_01
I know that was true for me for a lot of different areas of my life.
3
SPEAKER_01
Personal life, business life, especially when I was an attorney, it was, no, this is cool, this is great, I m gonna love this, oh, I m really enjoying all of this, it s really gonna be great later on, I don t regret it at all.
3
SPEAKER_01
And meanwhile, I was just thinking, where s the escape hatch?
3
SPEAKER_01
but you can t really start to talk about that with yourself because it s scary, especially when you think you don t have support and you don t have an alternative.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s kind of like, well, why think about, it would be like if you lived in North Korea.
3
SPEAKER_01
Why think about living somewhere else and what that s like when you have no hope of escape and there s no way that you can see to change anything?
3
SPEAKER_01
You have to agree, realize, I should say, that you have the ability to change your circumstances.
3
SPEAKER_01
Otherwise, it can be too scary to even think about doing it.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
And again, the minute you start having a conversation with somebody, it s amazing the stories they tell themselves.
3
SPEAKER_00
I mean, I ve had this multiple times where I start just say, hey, listen, if you didn t do what you do, what would you do?
3
SPEAKER_00
And then there s just pause and go, well, I m not giving up my job.
3
SPEAKER_00
I m not giving up my business.
3
SPEAKER_00
There s no way.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I go, hang on a second, buddy.
3
SPEAKER_00
I didn t ask you to do that.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I didn t ask you to sign a contract to say you would do it.
3
SPEAKER_00
All I m simply asking you to do is to have a conversation of what it would be like.
3
SPEAKER_00
Now, the fact that the person cannot even have a conversation around it, like really freeing conversation about what would it be like, just play a game.
3
SPEAKER_00
So I ll give you a quick example of this.
3
SPEAKER_00
I was in Toronto at a workshop and I had this game.
3
SPEAKER_00
I went around the room and said, okay, you re not allowed to do what you do professionally.
3
SPEAKER_00
You re not allowed to do it.
3
SPEAKER_00
You got to pick something else.
3
SPEAKER_00
So I came to this girl.
3
SPEAKER_00
who, by the way, ironically had her arms crossed when I came to her.
3
SPEAKER_00
I said, what would you do?
3
SPEAKER_00
She goes, I do exactly what I m doing.
3
SPEAKER_00
I go, yeah, OK, I know, but it s a game and everyone s participating and I d love you just to just for fun.
3
SPEAKER_00
She says, no, no, no.
3
SPEAKER_00
What I m doing today is my passion.
3
SPEAKER_00
I knew you were going to play this game or some sort of time you were going to bring this question in.
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No, it would be exactly what I m doing today.
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And I said, well, why are you being so defensive?
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Like, why are you digging your heels in?
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What is going on for you?
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Why can t you even just play the game?
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I m not recording it.
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No one s going to point fingers at you.
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No one s going to ask you to change.
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No one s going to ask you to pivot.
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And then finally, out of frustration, she goes, OK, well, you know, if I had to, then I d help women.
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And I said, well, how?
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And she says, well, I d help people who ve gone through some type of abuse.
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And in that
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that moment, you could just see something shift in her eyes.
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Yeah.
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Because that s something that she has personally experienced.
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And I said, so why would you do that?
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She goes, because I know what it s like to be isolated and to have that pain and to have that guilt and to have that shame and to carry that through life.
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And then she follows up with the following words.
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She goes, so there you go.
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That s what I m really passionate about.
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And this is a woman that was holding on and making sure that no one was going to see through that crack.
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No one was going to even have the remotest possibility to identify and expose her gift.
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I m not trying to expose that shit.
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I m trying to expose the gift.
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And here s the sad thing is that she will tell herself that that s her passion, that that s her path, that that s where she needs to go.
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And she ll head down that path of the business that she s in for another 20 years and never get the chance to turn around.
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And nor does she need to give that up.
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But could she create a little bit of space on a Saturday morning or Sunday evening to create a little peer group, a little support group, one on one, or just do a blog post or podcast or just do an article on what it was like for her to come from a place of being abused, to finding herself, to finding that value, to begin to let it go, to begin to see she has value in this earth and to execute that value?
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And that is a tragedy that so many people don t believe they ve got a gift that they don t have a story.
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And they re fucking wrong.
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They re absolutely wrong.
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They have a story and the value of that story.
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If they wait till they wake up and see the value in that story, it ll never be told.
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But there s a selfishness when we hold on to our stories and our gifts that we don t tell them because we re afraid of judgment.
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But in actual fact, there s somebody in Yellowknife, there s somebody in Alaska, there s somebody in Chile, there is somebody in Florida, there s somebody in Ireland and the asshole of nowhere that can t afford to get on a plane, but listens to a podcast and listens to somebody share their truth and their story and goes, oh, wow.
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Oh, my God, I don t have to let this story hold me back and just smother me for the rest of my days.
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So when we tell our stories and we tell our vulnerabilities, we show our warts and we stop pretending to be happy on Facebook all the time.
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It s not about negativity.
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It s not about poor me.
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It s not about being a victim.
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It s about freeing yourself of the story that holds you back.
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But it s also allowing other people to see that they can be free of the story and the parts of the story that hasn t served them historically.
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Thanks for listening and supporting the Art of Charm.
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For a list of all the amazing sponsors and discount codes, visit theartofcharm.com slash advertisers.
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Now, back to the show.
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So if we want to, at home, do the one last letter exercise, what exactly do we do?
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We sit down with a sheet of paper, block off, what, an hour or something like that?
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How does this go if we want to literally do this during our lunch hour or after we get home from work today?
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How do we set this up for ourselves?
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I would start from the ground up and I would start and say, well, if you had one last message, you know, 50 words or whatever, and you had to post on Facebook or whatever, what would it be?
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Just play fun.
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You don t have to post, you don t have to do anything with it.
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Just have a bit of fun.
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What would your one last message be?
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And then maybe elevate that and go to one last letter and say, if I had to write one last letter to the world, to anybody, who would I write it to and what would I say?
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And you don t have to post it, you don t have to give it, but what would you say?
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And it s just incredibly powerful.
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Now, I m not asking people to write this letter on the tube on the way from one meeting to the next.
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I m not asking people to write this letter in between, you know, X Factor and, you know, America Ninja Warrior or whatever the hell it is.
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I m asking to create some real quality time.
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You sit down, have a coffee, have a glass of wine, have a you just sit down and just.
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create the space and really allow yourself to move from your head into your soul.
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Put your hand on your belly button, as simple as that sounds, and just close your eyes for a moment and draw down into that place and write the letter that might scare the crap out of you.
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You may never want to see the light of day, but what you learn about yourself is immense.
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And then maybe progress to
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What if I did have to give my one last talk?
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If I had to get on stage, forget about the 15 minutes.
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It sounds very restricted and time crunched and pressurized.
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But if I had to get up and share a story, forget about how I would do it.
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Would I use PowerPoint?
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Where would I stand?
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Would I breathe?
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Would I do this?
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And that s the problem with a lot of speaking training is it s all about technique.
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And the problem is that you can get people to connect emotionally.
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You don t need any technique because if they move out of their head into their heart, they could be lying on the ground telling their story and the audience would be perplexed.
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So the greatest thing for speakers in the world is can they connect emotionally with what they re saying?
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So the audience believe from every bone in their body this truth is coming, as opposed to it s intellectually you re trying to convince me.
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And what would you speak about?
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And what you ll find is a number of things.
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Number one is it s just a pure awareness piece.
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You learn so much about yourself.
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Number two is you may choose to share it with your loved one.
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You may choose to hand that letter over.
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And I m not talking about a letter of anger and you pissed me off.
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That s not what I m talking about.
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I m talking about a letter of love, a letter that you want to share your truth, how you feel about things or people or the world or whatever.
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And then finally, you may choose to publicize it.
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You may choose to do it on a podcast, do it in an article, write it in a letter and pass it on to your kids, leave it as part of your inheritance, or God forbid, get on a stage someday and actually deliver your one last talk.
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So don t put any pressure on it.
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Just have the exercise.
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One kind of little note I want to have for the one last letter is I ve done very similar things like this in the past just to make sure I m on the right track and it sounds kind of like, wait, what?
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I put my hand on my belly and I draw, what does draw down mean?
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I don t know.
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If I have a glass of wine, I m just going to fall asleep.
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This sounds dumb.
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Basically,
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For me, what came out was all the stuff that you don t let yourself think about because it s disappointing, right?
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Like, well, if I had more time, I would love to do more on YouTube or in this different niche.
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You know what, why am I even thinking about this?
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I got stuff I gotta do.
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What am I doing here daydreaming?
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This is ridiculous.
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Or, man, wouldn t it be great if I brought this on a tour and did it in different cities?
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This is fruitless.
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Why am I even thinking about this?
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That s some of the stuff that should probably go in this letter.
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Am I on the right track here?
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Yeah, absolutely.
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Another thing is, for some might find this very useful is, for example, one gentleman last year when given the task of doing his one last talk, he went straight to his three daughters and he said, I m going to do my one last talk to my three daughters.
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And there s 150 people in the room.
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But what he did was he delivered in a way that it was to his three daughters, but he contextualized it in a way that everyone in the audience, everyone could relate to.
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And he shared what he would say to his daughters and from his own personal pain.
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So to me, I think it has to contain no pressure, but it has to contain a little bit of your pain or your story, the parts of your story that you almost don t want.
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If you could rewrite all the chapters of your life, you d say,
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Hey, one, two and three were great.
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Chapter four and five were fucking miserable.
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I don t want those.
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And let s get back to chapter six, seven, eight, whatever happens to be.
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So it needs to contain part of the pain because ultimately that s part of your story.
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That s part of your beauty.
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And otherwise, the pain that we ve experienced, I believe the pain we ve experienced has a purpose.
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And if it doesn t have a purpose, then it s just pain that lies within us that never gets reconciled.
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But some of the greatest gifts that we have lie in our pain, unfortunately.
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But that s a reality.
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So look at it through the lens of your children.
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And the other thing is, one of the greatest talks that I heard in one last talk was, or certainly titles, was the guy who had the courage to stand on stage and his title was called Everything is Awesome, Not.
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And he basically stood there and didn t say my life s in shit, but basically said, here s what s not working.
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And I am a bit embarrassed.
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I feel like a fraud standing on stage.
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I don t have it wrapped in a bow.
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But you know what?
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I m aware of what s not working and here s the cost, but I m changing it.
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I m changing it.
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And what people did in the audience, they were going, oh, my God, a speaker that s prepared to get on stage and deliver a talk that s not perfect, that s not wrapped in a bow, that doesn t have this beautiful Hollywood ending.
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And people related to that so deeply.
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So it doesn t have to be a story of completion and perfection and righting a wrong.
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It could just be an open ended story.
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This is perfect.
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So you had another exercise.
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I definitely want to make sure we throw that on the table before we wrap.
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Can you take us through that?
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Yeah, it s called the five happiest days.
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And if it sounds simple, it is.
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Trust me, it s incredibly simple, very approachable and a tremendous amount of fun.
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And this is something that I would encourage you to do with your colleagues and work, your business partner, your life partner, your intimate partner, your sons, your daughters.
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It s a very beautiful exercise.
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So simply, everyone gets a piece of paper and you write down the five happiest days of your life.
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Now, for some people, if they struggle with even that, so if you gave them a piece of paper and said, hey, by the way, we want you to write down the 20 shittiest days of your life, they d probably be asking for more paper.
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So it sounds simple and very, very easy, but sometimes people struggle with it.
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So it s not about forcing five days, number one, even if you can only get three, that s fine.
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And secondly is,
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managing expectations.
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A lot of people think happiest day.
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Oh, my God, it must have been happy and glorious from eight o clock in the morning to eight o clock at night.
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No, that day just may have contained a moment, a smile, a touch, a hug, a kiss, just some sort of human simple connection.
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And that represents.
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And the final piece before we get into the detail of it is don t feel you have to write down your wedding day if you re sitting next to your wife or your husband.
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For me, it was not my happiest day and I didn t feel the need to write it down.
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And it just happened to be it was for my wife.
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So you write down the five happiest days of your life in no particular order.
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And then when you ve finished, you go back, you know, basically create a hierarchy.
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So you basically number one, number two, number three, number four, number five.
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So which was the happiest day of your life?
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So even if you ve got two kids that are the first and second, I m not asking you to pick one of the kids, but just identify one of the days as being particularly happy because maybe it was your first or whatever.
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And then you basically the very, very simple question is, how do you create more of these days?
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So for me, the reason
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reason this is so important is because I believe life leaves clues.
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And for me, one of the things I identified was a retreat that I ran on my stag party, my bucks party, my bachelor party, whatever you call it.
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Yeah.
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And I didn t do the traditional thing.
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I did a kind of a workshop for my friends, these men that have believed in me when I didn t.
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And I didn t run it.
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I got a friend of mine to run it.
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You know, then we went for this hike, 5000 year old green roads in the west coast of Ireland.
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It was just magic.
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That was the happiest day of my life.
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But I d never, number one, thought of it.
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as the happiest day of my life.
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And number two is I never asked myself, I couldn t have asked myself the number two question, and that is why.
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And what came up for me years later, Jordan, was I was able to create an environment where conversation that historically wouldn t happen, happened.
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And I was able to, in my own way, create an environment to help my friends that I loved.
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Then the third question is, how do I create more these days?
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And that was the birthplace for probably the most personal experience, personal growth, coaching experience retreat that I ve ever created called Brave Soul.
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I go to Ireland every year and I bring a group.
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But if I didn t do that exercise,
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That experience would never have been created.
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The second one was a day I spent in an orphanage and my wife and myself both had the same day.
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And that s been the inspiration for not just a retreat, but a film that I m just about to release.
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So life leaves clues.
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If it s your wedding day, do you want to create another wedding date?
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Not necessarily.
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But what was it about the wedding day, that connection that you loved?
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And what you ll find is if you re open to it, you ll find subtleties and sometimes significant realities
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that these are ways that you have really opened up, you ve really grown, you ve really loved, and maybe you re not bringing these things into your life, and maybe there s a space to honour them.
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So the five happiest days.
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And the final piece of this is that, let s just say you have two kids or two colleagues, and let s just say John and Mary, and Mary will go, it was the day in Disney.
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Oh my God, it was the best day.
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And John will go, oh, it was the day I went for a walk.
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And what you ll understand is the subtleties and differences between your children, between your colleagues.
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It s a wonderful exercise.
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And what you ll find is you, I didn t know that about you, honey.
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I didn t know that that day meant so much to you.
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How can I support you create more of that in your life?
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So it s just a simple exercise, but it can mean a lot if you re open to doing it and giving it the space.
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This makes sense just to kind of rehash a little bit of an example here so that people aren t confused.
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Like you said, if your wedding day was one of your happiest days, you don t necessarily have to think, well, I can t have another wedding day, so cross that one off the list.
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We have to think about what made that day so happy.
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Maybe it was the fact that we were surrounded by a bunch of our friends and family, so maybe we concentrate more on getting home to the family for holidays, even though it seems like a huge pain.
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Or maybe we do something where we politely
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ask all of our friends to plan eight months in advance.
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Hey, look, I just want one day with you guys.
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You can bring the kids.
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We re all gonna go to Disneyland.
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If you can t go for some reason, let me know and we ll figure out another thing to do.
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You know, something like that where it doesn t involve spending 30 grand or whatever on a marriage, but it involves the aspects of that which actually made you happy.
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And I would imagine as you do these different activities and events, you start to realize,
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oh, okay, next time I would do it this way, because maybe there s a subtlety, like you said, that made it better last time.
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And maybe it is being around the kids.
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Maybe you did something where you got surrounded by your friends, but they weren t as happy because their kids weren t there, so it felt incomplete.
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Then the next iteration, you can do it in a different way.
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And I think that means a lot to certain folks who actually end up implementing this, either on purpose or sometimes by mistake, because we very rarely think about what makes us really happy and then actually try to reproduce that.
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I know a lot of folks think, well, I go to the cheesecake factory and that makes me happy.
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But we rarely think about something that had a deep or profound lasting level of happiness on us and then try to recreate that.
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I don t think I ve ever actually done that.
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Yeah.
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And one of the things I ve seen is I m grinning here because I ve got this slightly sadistic part of me that actually at one level loves people to be uncomfortable, not for being uncomfortable sake, but actually that s sometimes where the greatest growth is.
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So, for example, I ve often seen people go,
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Yeah, shit, I don t want this to be one of my happiest days.
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And I go, well, what is it?
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Well, it was a day I gave a talk or did a best man speech and go, well, why don t you want to?
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I m an introvert.
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And I go, well, maybe you re an introvert that really is lying to himself and telling himself that he s an introvert.
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And really, you re not because you ve just put yourself in a box that simply is not serving you.
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So their realization and that awareness that they get basically provides this opportunity for them to address the fact that they re not an introvert at all.
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Right, it s like, oh, this doesn t match the identity that I picked out for myself, so I wanna figure out a reason to write this off, right?
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I can see that, especially when it comes to things like, well, being an introvert or leadership.
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You know, well, I led this project, but you know, I m not really a leader, so that s kinda weird.
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I probably wouldn t wanna do that again.
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It s like, well, wait a minute.
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Maybe you had an older brother who told you, you know, bossed you around all the time, and so you don t think of yourself as a leader.
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Or maybe you ve had positions at work where you ve always delegated, or been delegated to, I should say, and so it s not part of your identity.
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And I always think that whenever something is kind of an affront to the identity that we ve decided to hold onto, it s very uncomfortable, but often we find the best,
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material in there.
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Like I said, I used to be quiet and introverted.
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Now I ve got a platform where even if nobody s listening, nobody stops me from talking, right?
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And that makes me really, really happy.
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But if I decided I m an introvert with a medical excuse not to talk or be loud or be heard, then we d have a little conflict here.
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We d have a lot of friction when it comes to doing the show.
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Yeah, I just think the one thing if I ask people to do that exercise, the five happiest days, and don t roll your eyes to it, because do it and then roll your eyes.
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If it s a load of crap, great or not, as the case may be.
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But it s amazing how simple this exercise is.
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But if you could approach this exercise with just zero judgment, just going, oh, my God, that s so pathetic that that s my happiest day.
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I mean, I m a driven entrepreneur who wants to change the world.
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And here s one of my happiest days was when I got my bike as a kid and, you know, took the stabilizer wheels and the training wheels off.
5
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I mean, that s so silly and pathetic.
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And then if you stop judging yourself, be curious rather than judgmental and circle, well, why was it?
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And what you might find as well, actually, what it represented was the first day I felt free, that I didn t need anyone to hold me up or anything to hold me up.
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And then you bring it into your life today and say, so maybe I ve created a monster around me that I don t feel free anymore, that maybe I ve allowed this business to consume me to a point where actually I don t tell myself I m an entrepreneur, I m free, but I don t feel free.
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And so a lot of entrepreneurs don t feel free and and yet they re meant to be free.
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shit, what do I need to do in my business?
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What part of my business can I let go?
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How can I pivot to bring more of that freedom back into my life?
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And suddenly the clarity starts to show up.
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So do not underestimate the power, our potential power of this very, very simple exercise.
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Please don t.
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Tell us about the film that you ve got.
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It s called Give and Grow.
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And two years ago, I sat with a filmmaker who made a documentary called Hungry for Change and Food Matters and brought him into work with one of my coaching groups.
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And basically, when he walked out the door three hours later, it was the first time I said to myself, why couldn t I make a film?
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What do I know about filmmaking?
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Absolutely nothing.
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I said, why couldn t I make a film?
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So about a year later, exactly one year later to this week, I was in India.
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I brought a film crew with me.
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And one of my happiest days, ironically, we re building on that.
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That s funny.
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It was a day I spent in an orphanage in Sri Lanka, and it really did pivot my life.
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And it s not just because I gave back.
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The difference was I didn t just give back.
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I gave back.
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But I created the space to really do a deep dive and why it mattered to me and why it moved me so deeply.
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And in the volunteer space, there s a lot of volunteering opportunities, but very few people are creating workshops to process how does this impact you?
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So four years ago, I brought a group to Guatemala.
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Then I went to Peru and then last year, India.
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And I bring entrepreneurs away on these giving trips.
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But what we do is create space and nature in the mountains to really do a deep dive on terms of why did this impact you?
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Where does your gift show up in the context of what we ve just done?
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And are you using your talent or your gift?
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So it was a retreat that I ve run for four years and the results have been
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unbelievable in terms of people s awareness and what they ve chosen to do when they come back and how they ve brought giving into their lives and how they ve seen that their story and they matter over and above making money for themselves and other people.
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So I said, what would it be like to create a film around this?
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So the film basically follows a group of people.
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We speak to a neuroscientist.
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We have experts being interviewed as well, not just to bring up people on this journey, but to illustrate scientifically that there s proof behind this, that when we give unconditionally, we grow exponentially.
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The film basically follows four individuals on this journey before India, during India, this giving experience and after.
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They went to give unconditionally, but what really showed up for them, the difference between their talent and their gift, the transformations that they made as a result of that.
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And then we bring the science in and we bring philosophy in and I challenge people and give
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Tread the film as well.
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And that really is the essence of it.
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Nice.
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And where can we see it?
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We ll link it in the show notes.
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Yeah, it ll be available as a stream download through Vimeo.
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And then we ll basically, we ll do a DVD.
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Maybe my mother is the only one that has a DVD player still, but so be it.
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I was going to say, who s going to be able to use it?
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You know, it ll be freely accessible.
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So it s under giveandgrow.com.
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Thank you so much, Phil.
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Really solid episode.
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Phillip has been through a lot of ish, and you can kinda tell.
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And he s also helped a lot of entrepreneurs and just regular Joes get through their respective ish as well.
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And if you enjoyed this one, don t forget to thank Phil on Twitter.
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We ll have that linked in the show notes as well as his film and some of his retreats and things like that that we talked about on the show.
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Remember, you can tap the album art on your phone, the little cover art with cartoon AJ and myself,
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You can tap that and you should see the show notes right on the screen of your phone.
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You don t have to fart around to try to dig them up some other way.
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I m also on Twitter, by the way.
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It s a great place to engage with me, at The Art of Charm.
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Producer Jason is on there as well.
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Our live program details, boot camps, The Art of Charm.
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Learn from us directly as your coaches, bootcamp.theartofcharm.com.
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Those are amazing transformative experiences that we love being a part of.
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They are the flagship thing that we offer here at AOC.
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And remember, we sell out a few months in advance, so if you re thinking about it or you re just curious, get in touch with us via phone or go to the website theartofcharm.com and get some info from us so you can plan ahead.
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I also want to encourage you to dip your toes in the water with us if you re new at the Art of Charm Challenge.
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That s theartofcharm.com slash challenge.
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You can also text charmed, C-H-A-R-M-E-D, to 33444.
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The challenge is about improving your connection skills and improving your networking skills and inspiring those around you to develop personal and professional relationships with you.
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We ll also send you our Fundamentals Toolbox that I mentioned earlier on the show, and I do regular videos with drills and exercises to help you move forward, and I do those every week.
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I m not as good on YouTube as I am on the microphone, one might say, but hey, look, if you wanna see me talking to you directly, you ll see why I got a face for radio, how s that?
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But it ll make you a better networker, a better connector, and a better thinker, so enjoy that.
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That s theartofcharm.com slash challenge.
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You can text charmed in the US to 33444.
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For the full show notes for this and all previous episodes of AOC, head on over to theartofcharm.com slash podcast.
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This episode of The Art of Charm was produced, as always, by Jason DeFilippo.
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Jason Sanderson is our audio engineer and editor, and show notes on the website, those are by Robert Fogarty.
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I m your host, of course, Jordan Harbinger.
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Go ahead, tell your friends, because the greatest compliment you can give us is a referral to someone else, either in person or shared on the web.
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So stay charming, and leave everything and everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to the Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.