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Okay, time for Fan Mail Friday.
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I m your host, Jordan Harbinger.
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I m here with producer Jason DeFilippo.
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We ll be answering your questions, as usual, every Friday, and dropping some knowledge and feedback to help you kick the weekend off right.
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, this isn t the best place to start.
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Most of our content is more in-depth.
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It s a longer format, a lot of interviews in there, so check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best or the Fundamentals Toolbox.
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at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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That s where we ve got fundamentals of body language and nonverbal communication.
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We talk a lot about attraction, negotiation, networking, and everything else we teach here at the Art of Charm at our live programs down in the Los Angeles.
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We ll send you all this to your inbox if you text charmed, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D, to 33444 in the U.S., or if you re not, just go to theartofcharm.com.
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All right, let s cut to it.
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Cutting to it.
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Hi, Art of Charm.
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I enjoy your podcast and very insightful stuff.
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But how does one maintain a healthy mind to keep improving on oneself when there are a lot of problems in the immediate family that no one has control over?
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For example, I have in the past worked and improved on myself to success meeting and dating women.
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And then something happens in the family that I have no control over.
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And I go into a depression, which, of course, puts me back at the starting point.
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I find, if family members around me are in danger, I cannot focus on improving myself.
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Even though it really is out of my control, because I care for the family member.
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So, during the good times, I spend time working on myself.
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But then during the bad, it basically all unravels.
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I don t even want to meet people, and in fact start really hating and losing faith in humanity.
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People are capable of very cruel and evil things.
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And it s a cycle like this.
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How can one remain positive and lighthearted during the bad times with little to no support?
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And I can t simply remove said person from my life.
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They re very important to me.
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They just have their health problems.
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Signed, Ross.
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Look, I, you know, I feel for this guy because...
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For us on the outside, or at least to me, it sounds like, oh, well, you say there s no control, and you say you can t remove this person from your life, and it says, you re saying that this is throwing you into a depression and you have no control over any of this.
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From the outside perspective, I totally get that.
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What s that saying, Jason, where when you grow up in a zoo, you don t realize you live around animals?
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Maybe I just made that up.
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But you know what I m saying, right?
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You grow up in this unhealthy environment,
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and it seems like yeah this is how families are and oh yeah you know this person I love them even though they re completely destroying my entire life and oh I have depression but you know it s normal because my family s crazy this is not normal and this is something where boundaries need to be made I m not asking you to get rid of your parent or sibling or whoever is
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creating all this drama in your life, but you need to hopefully not live there anymore.
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You need to set boundaries what they can and can t do because they re creating crises because of their own issues.
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They need you to drop everything and go aid them because this is something that they require to feel loved and this is ruining your life.
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They re not going to stop because you re giving them what they want.
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right now.
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There s always a crisis.
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But it s not always on you.
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You re just allowing this to happen.
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And I realize this is easier said than done.
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And you can choose your friends, but not your family.
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I would say, though, the best friends become family when family, in this case, becomes a little bit of an enemy, especially to your well-being.
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And you specifically say people are capable of very cruel and evil things.
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To this, I m assuming you mean the family member that s so important to you.
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There s just a lot of red flags here that I feel like
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what s it gonna take for you to snap out of it?
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Because this person s not going to stop.
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You re going to continually give them what they want, even to your own detriment, your health, your suffering, your relationships are suffering, you re going into depression.
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There s a lot of things wrong here that you are, I hate to say, allowing it to happen.
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I m making it sound easy, but I realize it s hard, especially when you re in it.
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Jason, do you have any opinion on this?
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Yeah, I do have some opinions on it, because I ve gone through this personally in my family life, and by staying around these people, I m just going to tell you right now, you re enabling the behavior, and they re going to keep doing it to you over and over and over again.
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You may care for them, you may love them, it may be a parent, it may be a sibling, but you need to have distance.
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You need to be able to be your own person and not let them hijack your life.
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because that s exactly what they re doing right now.
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And I don t know if you live at home, I don t know if you have your own place, that wasn t clear from the email, but what you need is space to be your own person and they need the space where they can handle their problems on their own without dragging you into it because what you are, like Jordan mentioned, you re a crutch and it s just going to keep, it s a cycle that is going to keep going and going and going until you pull yourself away from it.
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Trust me, I lived through this for, what, 20 years, and the only way to get past it is to get away from it, and don t jump back in right away thinking that everything s okay.
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Give it breathing room.
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You need to, or you re never going to be free, and you re never going to be sane, and you re never going to get past these depressive episodes.
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And also, talk to a therapist.
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Excellent.
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Thanks, Jason.
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All right, next question.
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Dear Jordan, thanks for doing what you do.
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I really enjoy your podcasts on my morning drive.
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Regarding Ryan Holiday s definition of ego, I have a definition that I think works in most scenarios.
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The definition is, ego is your perception as to how other people perceive you.
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Google defines it as your own sense of self, but this misses the bit about how others see you.
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If you don t take into account other people s feelings towards you, the standard definition seems to be more about how deluded you are about your self-worth.
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I m an emergency room and family doctor, and when I was starting out at medical school, pretty much most of the class wanted to be surgeons and a huge proportion of them wanted to be brain surgeons or cardiothoracic surgeons, myself included.
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It turns out a big motivation for pursuing that career path was being able to say what you did to anyone who asked, what do you do at parties?
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When we started realizing that these subspecialty surgeons basically have no life other than training and living in the hospital, the surgeon wannabes whittled down to realistic numbers.
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For the people that did become hotshot surgeons for egotistical reasons, I guess the ego was their enemy in a real sense.
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Keep up the great work, Mike.
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That s a really interesting note.
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I know that there are tons of definitions of ego, but I think you re right, Mike.
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We, in this case, focusing on how other people perceive us really is where we see a lot of the downfall.
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Because if we start to ignore that and we start to do what we want to do for the reasons that are actually important to us, we ve heard from
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Experts like Raj and other happiness folk, and their ilk, that s what really leads to happiness, much more so than becoming somebody that your mom can brag about once or twice a month, or if you are, if you re of certain cultural heritage, once or twice a day, but still, it s not necessarily going to make you more happy, and I think that s a really good realization.
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Thanks, Mike.
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Alright, next question.
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Hey man, they re really busting your balls about that virginity thing, huh?
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I figured I d write in because I think Gilly is a regular listener, he s more confused than before, and because I also happen to have taken the route you suggested to him in the first place.
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I was raised very religious, Roman Catholic to be specific.
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I didn t lose my virginity until I was 19, which was very late compared to my peers.
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I had decided that I wanted to get it over with, and that it would probably be better if I didn t do it with someone I was married to, or going to marry, or was even in love with.
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I lost it to a friend that I was not extremely close to, but not a stranger either.
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I am, and have been throughout the entirety of my life, thankful that I did it that way.
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I also think that the way I approached it has positively affected the way I approach anything new and scary.
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The first time you do anything, it probably isn t going to go well, let alone perfectly, and even when it does, it only gives you false hope and expectations to how well everything should go the first time you do it.
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That s how life works.
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Which begs the question, why would the first thing you build be a skyscraper and not a birdhouse?
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Why would the first thing you fly be an F-16 and not a model plane?
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Why would the first person you pitch a business to be Mark Cuban and not a friend or neighbor?
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And why the hell would the first person you have sex with be the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and not someone you re not passionately in love with?
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The advice Jordan gave to Gilly would be the same advice I d give a friend, family member, or even my own children, as unlike the critics, I am speaking from experience.
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Hope this helps, Joe.
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Thanks, Joe.
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This is great because to refresh people s memories, Gilly was the one who was like, I m a virgin.
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It s driving me crazy.
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All my friends aren t.
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I have all this anxiety.
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I keep building it up.
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And I said, look, man, just get it over with.
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And his tear was, but my parents and religion and dot, dot, dot, the church.
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And I said, so what?
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What s making you more miserable, right?
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And I got a lot of pushback.
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But Joe, this is great.
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Because you re speaking from experience, not the church or the morality pulpit or the morality police self-appointed badge, I appreciate you sharing this.
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Experience is one of the only places in which one is truly qualified to give advice, so thank you for that.
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All right, moving right along.
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Hey Jordan, you have a great voice.
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When did you know it was good for broadcasting?
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If you go back and listen to earlier shows, it s not just the microphone, it s not just the room.
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It s hard to do a real comparison because we were in different acoustic environments with different equipment, but I ll tell you, for the most part, I trained this voice, and thank you for the kind words.
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I got formal voice training starting this year only.
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The way that I trained it was by editing the audio for the show for the first five plus years myself and cutting out filler words
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Learning how I sounded in headphones, earbuds, through microphones, wearing headphones when broadcasting, and things like that.
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Broadcast voices are not always born.
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They re usually built.
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And voiceover talent is the same thing.
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The control over the voice and the acting part is, which I don t do acting on the show, but voiceover actors, voice actors, they work, of course, as regular actors.
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The control in the acting is more important than the talent of the voice.
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There are plenty of guys that walk in and they re like, hello.
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Like this crazy amazing bass tone voice and you think they re gonna kill it and they just can t do it.
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And there are other guys that sound like complete normal average Joes or even I would say much worse.
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And they can do things for video games and they can do things for commercials because they know how to control it.
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Top actors, though, at the top of the voiceover category, they usually have a little bit of talent and a lot of acting chops as well, which also dips into the talent pool.
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But a lot of it s work, man.
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So I d say, look, if you really care about it, edit some audio that you ve recorded, do it regularly, make it a part of the drill.
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But, you know, I would say it hasn t gotten me very much anywhere.
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It s been much more important to be able to construct a show and broadcast well than it has to sound bassy or whatever it is in a microphone.
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Hey, Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
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You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
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Go to kajabi.com slash charm and join the creators and entrepreneurs who have made over $7 billion.
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Alright, question five.
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Dear Jordan and the Art of Charm, I m a proud member of the Art of Charm s more than 30,000 female listeners fan club.
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Dang it, you guys rock.
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And here s my dilemma.
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I m horny and my husband is not.
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Okay.
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I know I m not the only woman in a committed relationship that s suffering from this dilemma, but I can t find any solid evidence or recommendations on what to do.
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Help!
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Here s a little bit about us.
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We re in our mid-30s, married two and a half years, together for five, and we have a one-year-old.
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We have an awesome life.
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We re athletic, healthy, optimistic, adventure-minded.
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We both have kick-ass jobs and love being parents.
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Sure, there are stressful times, but honestly, I can say we have a great marriage and life.
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Plus, he s so damn hot!
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Like, really, really hot!
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I m so attracted to him, and it seems like my desire grows as the years progress.
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We ve talked at length about our differences in sexual energy.
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I would like to have sex 2-3 times a week, and he would be fine having sex once a month.
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We ve tried setting a quote-unquote goal to have sex once a week, but realistically, we only have sex twice a month.
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Not only are my physical needs not being met, but my heart hurts because I don t understand why he doesn t want me as much as I want him.
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I ve solicited advice from friends, read articles, and done my fair share of research.
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From what I can tell, this is a problem that s common but rarely talked about.
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Furthermore, when I try to get him to open up about it, he shuts down, gets angry, and refuses to talk about the issue at any deep level.
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Help, how do I talk to him so that we can reach a compromise on this issue?
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It s a biggie, and I have to admit, sometimes I get scared that I ve signed up for a sexless life.
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Signed, Horny, and Deprived.
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Now you know why I make Jason read the questions.
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You thought it was for clarity.
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Look, this is kind of a bummer of one because I get it, right?
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I understand both sides in many ways and maybe he is really stressed.
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Here s the one thing that maybe you haven t thought of or maybe you have.
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But he probably feels really guilty about this and that s probably why he doesn t want to talk about it at length because he doesn t really know what the problem is or what to do about it.
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So he shuts down because he s probably in some kind of minor panic mode and he feels weird and confused about it himself.
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I really doubt that he s unattracted to you or anything like that.
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He s probably super, super stressed, and therapy is one thing, definitely do that, but also look at things like adrenal fatigue.
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There are spit tests that you can take that I think cost under a hundred bucks, and they will, you d spit into a little vial three or four times a day, and you
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freeze it, you mail it to a lab, and you look at your hormone levels, and it could be stress.
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Even if he doesn t feel stressed, I have this similar issue with cortisol levels, where I thought, I feel stressed sometimes, but usually I m fine, and I did this stress test, and my cortisol levels were so depleted, even before lunchtime, which is what they were supposed to be at night, that a lot of hormonal functions were getting thrown off, including things like sex drive, including things like
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alertness or things that make you patient and things like that.
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And I m working on fixing a lot of these problems with a health coach.
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There could be an issue that you don t even know about, that he doesn t even know about, that a therapist won t necessarily detect from just going for the emotional angle, although I think you should do both.
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And we ll link to one of these spit tests here in the show notes.
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I ll dig that up and find it.
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And also, I know you ve got a small child, so that could be a definite point of stress as well.
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Maybe he s worried about being a father.
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There s probably all kinds of stuff going on here, but I think this is an issue that you need to attack both from the therapy angle, just to find out what s going on and make it a quote-unquote safe place for him to talk about how he feels, because I guarantee he s confused and probably scared, but also I think there s very possibly some adrenal fatigue or some hormonal thing going on here.
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and it doesn t hurt to take a spit test, which is non-invasive and cheap, and rule that out or attack that problem, if that s what it is.
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Hope you all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget, you can email us, friday at theartofcharm.com, to get your questions answered on the air.
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A link to this blog post can be found at theartofcharm.com slash FMF67.
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Also, the Art of Charm Challenge at theartofcharm.com slash challenge or text charmed, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444.
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step-by-step, become a better networker, make better personal and professional connections, increase your personal social capital and your charisma slash magnetism, I love that word, and it s for both guys and gals, so check it out at theartofcharm.com slash challenge or text charmed to 33444 in the US, and if you re not, you re stuck with the website, sorry about that.
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Quick shout out to Jake Gardner, AOC alum from way back in the day, really good bud of mine now, and his service dog, LeBron,
1
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Having a rough season, LeBron.
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They re listening in Omaha, and if you re in Omaha or you re near it, go check out his bar, The Hive.
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SPEAKER_03
It s awesome.
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It s a 311-themed bar, if you remember those guys.
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Big 311 fans down there.
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Thanks, Jake.
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Always got a special place here in AOC and in my heart.
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Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up and I ll shout you out.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com.
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Now stay charming, get out there and connect, and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to the art of charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at the art of charm podcast.
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dot com