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All right, time for Fan Mail Friday.
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I m your host, Jordan Harbinger.
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I m here with producer Jason DeFilippo.
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We ll be answering your questions and dropping some knowledge and feedback to help you kick the weekend off right.
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, this is not a great place to start.
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Most of our content is much more in-depth and longer format, so check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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That s where we ve got the fundamentals of body language and nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking,
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everything else we teach here at The Art of Charm.
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We ll send all this to your inbox if you text charmed, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D, to 33444, or go to the website.
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All right, let s cut to it.
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Good morning, Jordan.
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I ve been listening to your podcast from Austin, Texas for about a year, and it has become part of my morning routine.
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Thank you.
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I m writing because I need some help.
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I have lived with my best friend for about a year and it has been a great experience.
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We are both very chill and don t fight about anything.
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We ve actually known each other for 7 years, but we have very different views on almost everything.
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She s religious, conservative, doesn t find travel or exploring beneficial, etc.
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like to surround myself with people who are different than me because I think it keeps my mind open and accepting of others, but I m at a point where I want to be surrounded by people who push and inspire me. 
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She s expressed she wants to get into the Austin fashion scene and I ve told her it s a small community and I d go to any event with her and have even invited her to events I think would be good for her to go to.
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She s made no effort to move forward.
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I ve pushed and encouraged her in the past and have seen her succeed, but I d have to be her cheerleader 24-7, so I ve stopped.
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I like to help and connect to people in my life, but she s frustrating me.
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I m so confused.
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What is the right thing to do?
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Is this my own insecurity or ego, and do I need to just let her be?
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Can I still live with her and not be affected by her?
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Should I continue to better myself and slowly pull away?
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I know you re busy, but if you have time to answer, I d greatly appreciate it.
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Have a wonderful day, Andy and Austin.
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Hey, Andy, I get what you re trying to do here.
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I totally understand your dilemma, right?
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You ve invested a lot in her.
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You feel like she s invested a lot in you and the relationship and it s frustrating and you re confused.
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I get it.
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But you can t change people.
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What you can do is be there for them.
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Only step in when they have serious problems like drugs and things like that, et cetera.
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Otherwise, look, lack of ambition
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It sounds like to me from this letter, lack of ambition is not something she sees as a problem yet.
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So just like a drug addict, there s not much you can do up until that point.
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And it sounds like both of you have frankly just changed a lot.
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And you can t force her to come in the same direction.
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I think you should continue to better yourself and slowly pull away, but you don t have to consciously pull away.
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You can slowly better yourself, and frankly, you re gonna end up doing it automatically anyway, or she s gonna peel away from you.
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And there s just not much you can do about it until she decides, if it ever happens, to take a page from your book.
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Hi Jordan, I ve been listening to the show for around six months and have gained a lot of valuable information from it, but I m coming across an issue fairly regularly, and I m wondering if other guys are having this problem, and how you would recommend we address it.
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I worked in retail sales for around 9 years.
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Prior to this I was a super positive guy, had a ton of friends, and would get compliments such as, you re so down to earth, and you re so much fun to be around.
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Generally compliments of character and personality that aren t typically handed out lightly and carry a lot of weight.
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Retail made me a pretty bitter dude.
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I went from being naturally upbeat, positive, and down to earth, to just putting on a mask and faking it.
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When I stopped working in retail, I stopped putting on the mask and, although not diagnosed, believe I probably sunk into a bit of a depression for a couple years.
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Now I m at a point where I have made great progress emotionally.
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I stopped watching porn and had my first steady girlfriend in three years, got a new job, moved to a new city, and overall am making great strides and am much more comfortable navigating various social situations.
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The problem is, in almost all social situations, I eventually get emotionally drained.
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Whether I m in a group or with someone one-on-one, after a while I have difficulty maintaining an elevated mental state that is engaging and interesting, and gradually feel myself shutting down.
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Jokes aren t funny, my responses become repetitive, and I just can t stay with it after a while.
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What do you think are the best ways to improve this?
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How would you recommend I increase my emotional and mental endurance so I can quote-unquote last longer in social situations?
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Thanks for all you do, signed, guy who needs to last longer emotionally.
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Hey man, I get what you re saying, and I don t know if retail did it or if it s just something you grew into or slid into, maybe you didn t like other aspects of what was going on in your life, doesn t really matter.
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Sounds like you ve made a lot of progress, but here s the thing, I get lack of energy, I get not wanting to deal with it, I get not wanting to go out.
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dump energy into other people and invest in it.
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or having the energy to deal with people and do the small talk thing and joke and laugh and have fun, it can be really tough.
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It requires emotional endurance.
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And so if you practice, you internalize it, it becomes fun, it doesn t require as much effort because you re unconsciously competent in doing it.
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Right now you re consciously incompetent or consciously competent in doing so.
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So it requires a lot of emotional investment all the time.
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The upside is it gets easier and it gets better.
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And of course, once you get good at it, the time flies, you re not as tired anymore, but you re energized afterwards.
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And even introverts can change this pattern.
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I know, because I did it myself.
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I ve done this before.
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It s a matter of constantly doing it.
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Now the question you gotta ask yourself is, is it worth the investment?
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If you find that you can t even hang out with your own friends without being like, screw this, I hate it, you need to work on it.
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However, if you re just like, oh, I don t like bars and clubs, then you have to decide whether or not that s a skill set you want to build, and for most of us, the answer is no.
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But definitely work on it.
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I promise you it won t stay horrible and awful and tedious and energy draining for long.
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Hey guys, this is regarding Fan Mail Friday number 55, regarding the army guy in graduate school.
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Lieutenant Colonel Jason was spot on.
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Thanks for getting an internal data point.
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His perspective was very strong.
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I sat on many selection boards in my career, and to his good advice, I would add that a graduate degree, even a less prestigious one, says three things.
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One, I am intent on continually improving myself.
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Two, I can start and finish something.
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Three, I have mastered the work-life balance thing to be able to work full-time and go to school.
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I heard those very baseline observations many times when reviewing records in the Navy and later in corporate America when hiring.
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Maybe it ain t Harvard, but it is very meaningful and a selection discriminator.
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In fact, if a Navy guy said, I m not going to school until I can do it in the Ivy League and fully devote myself to it, and that s why I don t have a master s degree,
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They were usually viewed as a prima donna weenie.
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Signed, Karen.
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and look for Karen on an upcoming episode of AOC.
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I won t throw out any spoilers, but it s a good one.
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Hey Jordan, I ve been listening regularly for over a year now, and the podcast has had a dramatic impact on my worldview and how I live my life.
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I am also in substance abuse recovery for a little over two and a half years, and I m 29 years old.
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My experience is that I can take the bar club skills you teach in the Toolbox episodes into sober social environments, and there s no shortage of fellowship opportunities in 12-step communities.
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These include dinners, parties, dance parties included, conventions, or even just hanging out or going to the beach.
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Without stepping foot in a bar, I ve made more genuine friends in the last couple of years and had more wholehearted fun than during my entire drinking career.
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Being part of this community, I have very limited need for drinking environments to meet tons of new people.
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I can show up at a meeting, basically anywhere in the world, and find new friends to roll with in about an hour s time.
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Having recovery in common also means we share something significant right off the bat, which makes things even easier.
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That said, I ve rediscovered my enjoyment of electronic dance music and rave culture, which puts me in drug-fueled environments basically every time I go out.
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I go with sober friends, and I m there because I enjoy the music and dancing.
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What I found is I now have as much if not more enjoyment as anyone else without the expense or consequences of getting wasted.
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Getting drunk and high used to help lower my inhibition so I could enjoy things.
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But now I found that when I m in a good place spiritually, I m simply not so inhibited anymore.
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For the sober guy who wrote you last week, for anyone really, motivations are important and I would caution against going out quote unquote thirsty.
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If I go anywhere with the intention of meeting someone new or special, I m setting myself up for disappointment and resentment.
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When I go to all the effort and either I don t find anyone interesting or they don t like me, or I don t have the courage to overcome my approach anxiety, not a good look.
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The idea of a covert contract applies just as much to places and things as it does to people.
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If I m going to a club because I want to enjoy
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what s offered to me, music, dancing, whatever, then I ll have a great time and attract the kind of people I want in my life.
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If I m going to a crappy bar because of the booty, I ll be pissed off at the end of the night when I go home by myself.
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This disappointment was part of what led me to drug addiction in the first place.
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It has taken a while for me to recognize the feeling in my stomach when I m being fake.
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Usually the idea is, I don t like myself when I m in this type of place or among these type of people, etc.
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Considering that I have a choice where I m going, I can choose to go somewhere I ll actually enjoy.
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I also have a choice about being the type of person I want to be, and I m responsible for doing things that make me like myself.
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As an aside, I ve had more partners in the last two years than in the decade before I quit drinking, and all of them have been much more attractive to me than anyone I hooked up while drunk.
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Finding people never happens on my schedule, and I ve also never had to go out of my way for it to happen.
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I m no longer trying to conjure up sex, friendship, or work opportunities.
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I just work on being the best version of myself.
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Show up, be present, and these things seem to come to me on their own.
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My plug for the Art of Charm is, you guys give me a basis for continual self-improvement.
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Thanks to your program, I can check my attitudes and behaviors against those of high performers.
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Gradually I become them because I m surrounding myself with their examples.
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I take the advice, put it into practice and my life gets better.
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What a concept.
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Thanks so much for everything.
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Mark from New York city.
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Hey Mark, thanks for the letter, man.
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I, I m very, very glad to hear from you because of course it s really easy for me to be like, well, you know, you can go out sober and just play along and people who are sober or, or not might just say, what the hell do you know about it?
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And they have a good point.
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I don t know a whole lot about it, but I m glad to have my opinion validated by people who know what the heck they re talking about when it comes to this stuff.
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I never give advice on Fan Mail Friday without vetting it through someone else first, unless I am actually qualified to give it.
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So if it s medical or military or something like this, I love to vet it.
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And I did that through friends, and I m glad to have you contribute as well.
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Thanks so much, Mark.
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Hey, Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
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Winning is an everyday mindset, and Craig Robinson and John Calipari are here to help.
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On Ways to Win podcast, Craig and Coach Cal use their on-court wisdom to solve your off-court problems.
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Whether it s trouble at home or a workplace dilemma, the coaches will help you find a winning formula for success.
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You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
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Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
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They say if you do what you love, you never work a day in your life.
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The best part, Kajabi doesn t cut into your revenue because everything is owned and controlled by you.
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So keep 100% of what you earn.
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And with Kajabi, you also get robust analytics, easy payment options, email marketing tools, and customizable website templates, all built in.
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You don t even need a huge audience to make sustainable income.
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There are thousands of creators on Kajabi making six and seven figures with less than 50,000 followers.
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Right now, Kajabi is offering a free 30-day trial to start your business if you go to kajabi.com slash charm.
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That s K-A-J-A-B-I dot com slash charm.
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Go to kajabi.com slash charm and join the creators and entrepreneurs who have made over $7 billion.
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All right, back to the show.
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Hey Jordan, quick background on me.
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I m a 28 year old English as a second language teacher in Beijing.
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I have never had a girlfriend and until very recently had not kissed a girl since freshman year of college.
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Now, after losing about 40 pounds the past year and having a little more style, my confidence has improved enough that I have one, possibly two girls interested in me, at least enough that I have a date with one this week.
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My question is, how can I bring up or avoid the subject of my lack of success with women?
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The only time I even had full-on intercourse was on a trip to Europe where I went to a brothel twice.
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Both times were unsatisfying, and the experience is now three years past anyway.
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Even when I made out with one of the girls at a bar, I felt sloppy, and if she wasn t as drunk as I was, she might have been turned off.
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A follow-up question.
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If things become intimate, fingers crossed, is it a good idea to bring up my lack of experience or just see how I do on basically my first rodeo?
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Love the show and hopefully one day I can do the AOC bootcamp when I have the funds and am back in America.
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Thanks for the advice.
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Sincerely, TryinInChina.
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I get it, there s a little element of shame, there s a little element of insecurity, but I say let it ride.
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Look, they don t need to know about your level of inexperience.
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It ll just turn them off because you bringing it up highlights your insecurity.
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You re gonna get better a lot faster once you re in a relationship anyway with all of the skill sets included, if you know what I m saying.
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The key is to communicate during
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during everything so that you learn quickly and you have what we would call deliberate practice.
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We re gonna do some shows on deliberate practice in other areas of your life coming up soon.
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But look, it s not gonna matter.
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If somebody likes you, you re gonna have that initial awkward moment.
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You re gonna go, well, here s the reason why, afterwards maybe, but not before, because it ll kill the mood and the buzz and it s not gonna help you or her in any way.
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And then you re gonna get better at it and then you re never gonna think about this again.
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This really isn t that big of a deal if you re actively learning to be a better partner moving forward in both relationships as well as in the bedroom.
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So chill, that s my advice.
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And don t worry about it because the worry, that anxiety, that s what s going to affect performance negatively even more than the actual inexperience that you have right now.
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Dear AOC, I m in a complicated tenant-friend situation and I d like your advice.
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I m a 26-year-old recent homeowner with two tenants.
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One of them is gainfully employed and responsible, and while we re on friendly terms, our relationship is financially based.
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The other is a friend of mine I ve known for a couple years.
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The issue is with him.
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He s a really fun guy when he s actually hanging out.
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Witty, energetic, fun to party with, engaging, and an outgoing conversationalist.
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Until recently, he s also been reasonably good about paying rent and utilities on time.
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Unfortunately, he s more or less the definition of the lazy friend that you and the team described on your podcasts.
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He usually doesn t clean up his mess until asked.
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I come home from work most weeks only to find pizza boxes stacked chest high in the recycling bin with other bins much worse.
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He s addicted to video games, playing them 90% of his free time.
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It was only this weekend that he got off the computer and finally made time to seriously discuss the fact that he s been unemployed for three months and may not be able to pay rent in the next few months.
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After being late on his payments this month, I told him I was done being his roommate and that he had one month, assuming he could pay, before I gave him a 30-day notice.
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I m considering reneging and letting him stay until I m permanently back from working across the country this October.
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He says a friend of ours can get him a bank teller job and that he s finally getting his life in order.
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However, I ve heard this before and not sure I trust his follow through.
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What should I do?
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Risk a few months rent so he can potentially turn his life around or look out for myself while scarring our friendship?
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I care about him and I want him to find success but don t want to jeopardize my own in the process.
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I ve worked too damn hard for that.
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Sincerely, Tumultuous Tenancy.
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Hey, TT, look, harsh truth.
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You re not helping him by letting him stay.
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This guy needs a kick in the butt.
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He has no fire right now because he s cozy and he s leeching off others from the sound of it.
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He s also a little depressed by the sound of it from what I m getting here.
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So it might be because he has nothing to look forward to, doesn t feel like he has purpose.
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A reality check might help that.
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And frankly, even if it doesn t,
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He s not your problem, but you re allowing him to become your problem.
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So look, it sounds harsh, but I say kick him out.
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He needs a job.
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Then he can get things in order.
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Unless of course, and there s a big caveat here, unless there s a big but here, if you see signs of serious depression,
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If you see those signs, definitely, I m saying recommend help, make sure he gets it, contact family and friends.
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But otherwise, he s just an addict.
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He s just a video game addict.
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If you re close to him, get his family involved as kind of a hey, last chance before you re out on your arse.
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But don t make him your problem.
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Don t let him become your problem and that of your roommates.
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It s really not worth the stress.
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You ve got other things to focus on.
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All right, hope you all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget, you can email us at fridayattheartofcharm.com.
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Rob from The Art of Charm has been doing videos on networking, how to reach out to...
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folks at work and in your personal life, as well as systemizing follow-up, and you can get those videos on the website by signing up for the newsletter or texting C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444.
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A link to this blog post can be found at theartofcharm.com slash fmf57.
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And of course, the Art of Charm Challenge at theartofcharm.com slash challenge, that ll get you those videos too.
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Or again, text charmed to 33444 here in the U.S.
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Shout out to Kevin in San Fuegos, Cuba, originally from Detroit.
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Well, Detroit kinda looks like Cuba now, actually, so that s not too far away.
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Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up, I ll shout you out.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com.
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Now, stay charming, get out there and connect, and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to The Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.