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Alright, welcome to The Art of Charm.
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I m your host, Jordan Harbinger.
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I m here with producer Jason DeFilippo.
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Here at The Art of Charm, we don t have all the answers, but we definitely have all the right questions.
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And today on Fan Mail Friday, those questions come from you.
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If you re new to AOC, Fan Mail Friday is not my favorite way to introduce you to the show.
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I think we ve got some great long format interviews with some people that you probably heard of.
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So check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best or the fundamentals toolbox for something a little more basic at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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That s where we ve got layouts of the fundamentals like.
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body language, nonverbal communication, networking, negotiation, attraction, influence, persuasion, all that good stuff that we teach here at AOC.
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And we ll send some of that to your inbox if you text CHARMED, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444.
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That works here in the U.S.
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or you can just go to theartofcharm.com.
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All right, let s cut over to it, Jason.
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Hi, Jordan, Jason, and all.
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Thank you for all your team does week in and week out.
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I m 23 and have been working in the quality control lab for a pharmaceutical company for over a year.
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After school I worked at a hop farm for a month, harvesting and processing the hops, until I finally interviewed and got a position as a glorified janitor at the pharmaceutical company that I now work for.
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I was able to save some money and move into a new place without my parents, and have saved up quite a bit since that time.
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I was promoted to working on the bench and have been promised to develop from low-level instruments to chromatography testing.
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This was six months ago and now the girl I ve trained to do my position is busy while I m waiting for someone to take me on.
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I ve come to resent this line of work and have been trying to find out a way to do anything but work in a quality control lab.
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The work actually stresses me out because no one is motivated and it zaps my ability to learn and grow.
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It doesn t help that the work is repetitive and requires no deep thinking.
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Thankfully this allows me to listen to hours of podcasts to continue to stimulate my brain and has allowed me to find your podcast.
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So now to what I ve been pondering for the last month or so.
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Moving to Spain and hiking the Camino de Santiago whilst living there for an indefinite amount of time.
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I d be quitting my job and moving without a job prospect while there or when I return.
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I speak Spanish because it was my second major besides chemistry, but I would hope to pick up more language as I go.
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My passion has switched to working in a brewery or doing food science in some facet, but I feel like it will make me look dumb and lazy compared to my science friends.
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I ve always expressed interest in medicine or the Peace Corps, or just something that makes a bigger difference than fermenting sugar to get drunk.
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I feel like I m being too optimistic about how driven people doing food and drinks actually are, especially because the only experience I have is my own home brewing, cooking at home, and watching cooking documentaries, but am I supposed to be happy?
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I just feel like it s stupid and I should do something more cerebral like learning more about chemistry so that I can help create solar fields in South America or help propel humankind to Mars.
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I ve been considering starting my own podcast about profiling head brewers as well, but haven t made any strides either.
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I don t know, I think I m bad at focusing, or that I have so many interests that I don t know how to choose one and have become settled into the job I have because at least I m not poor or living at my parents  home anymore.
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What I m asking is this, is quitting doing something I hate, yet stable, to do something I ve always wanted to do, but risky as hell, with no promise of being successful, actually worth it?
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I ve been thinking about Casey Neistat s push to take risks because he is one of my thought idols.
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But is risk worth the reward?
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Thank you so much for taking the time to make sense of this email, and I wish you and your team all the success in the world.
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I love your show and try to tell anyone I can about it.
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Best regards, Quarter Life Crisis.
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Hey, Quarter Life Crisis.
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Thanks so much for this.
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This is interesting because I reread this.
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and there s just so much in here.
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I don t think you re bad at focusing.
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I think you just don t know what to focus on, which is not the same as being bad at focusing.
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Look, if you re young and you have no obligations like kids or debt, then go ahead and take risks.
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Just don t expect success.
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I m not saying you re not gonna be successful.
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I m just saying don t expect.
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success.
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Now is the time to do this because life only gets more complicated as you get older.
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You can go from risky to stable jobs, but it s very hard to go backwards from something stable and the lifestyle of someone stable and jump back to risk and back to uncertain outcomes.
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So I would say pick something and focus on that or find something to focus on.
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And I think you should get rid of the considerations that I m seeing in here like, well, I want to work on food science, but I m worried my friends, my science friends will think I m dumb.
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Who gives a crap?
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You know who thought I was dumb for starting the Art of Charm?
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All my lawyer friends.
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You know what they re doing now?
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Trying to figure out how to get out of law, or they got out of law to do something else that s stable because now they had kids and a family while they were in law and they can t be doing anything risky.
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So that s who thought doing the AOC thing was dumb.
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Best move I ever made, though.
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So forget about those people s considerations or what you think their opinion might be, because you don t actually even know.
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You could end up quitting going into food science and all your scientist friends in two years might go, oh man, I wish I d done what quarter-life crisis is doing.
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He s so happy, or his looks at least fun.
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Trust me, you have no idea what those people are going to be thinking of.
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So, look, you could do something like live very modestly, teach English in Spain, or run a hostel while you re doing a side gig that you re interested in, and you mentioned earlier that you re worried that you re supposed to be happy, and the truth is, the blunt, uncomfortable truth is that you re not supposed to be happy, especially not all the time.
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This is something that we ve invented as a culture, and self-help books and other stupid motivational podcasts, they program that into your brain, and it causes a lot of stress.
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If you focus less on being happy and you focus more on what you want to accomplish, you ll have a much easier time picking something and just going for it while keeping a day job you might not love.
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And you could keep that in the meantime simply because that s what you need to do in order to get your side gig off the ground.
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So forget about I gotta be happy right now and forget about what other people might think about your career decisions.
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Those are two considerations that you do not
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need to focus on right now.
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I think you re in a great position to take some risk with no debt and plenty of time.
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And so the last thing you need encumbering that is the potential for disapproval from people that you used to go to college with.
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I mean, that is just so far down the list of things you should care about that I think you should ignore it entirely.
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All right, question two.
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Jordan, love the podcast and the work you do.
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As a business owner slash entrepreneur, I d love your opinion on my current situation.
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I m a year out of college and already miserable at my job.
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If this were the first time this has happened to me, I d just start looking for a new job.
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Unfortunately, this has happened at every job and internship I ve ever had.
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I get to a point where I feel like it s a waste of time to not be working on my pursuits regardless of what the job is paying me.
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Realistically, this is ridiculous because I m making a good salary for someone my age and the work environment is exactly what I wanted.
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I actually love working and will work for hours on something after I get home from my job and on the weekends.
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My question is this, do I tough it out and try to have a good attitude at this current job until I can go full time on my side hustle?
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Or do I recognize that there are some legitimate reasons to not like this job, somewhat unethical business practices, no clear company direction, competing management, etc., and find another one until I can go full-time on my side hustle?
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Signed, Miserable at Every Job.
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Hey Miserable, this is interesting because, well it sounds like you hate your current job and you have reasons to leave, but I feel like you can find reasons to leave any job if you don t like it.
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I would say find something else, but definitely work on your side hustle until it s profitable and can t scale without you.
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stay in this current job and work on your side hustle until it s profitable and can t scale without you.
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You re almost certainly further away from profitable on your side gig and there s no point being miserable while you get your side gig off the ground, especially because it might take a lot longer or not happen at all.
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But I would say
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Yes, it s better to be career building in the meantime, so definitely keep your regular job or find a new one that you can stand more.
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But if you just hate regular jobs, I just answered this in another episode of Fan Mail Friday.
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It s a very similar type of question that you re not necessarily going to love any entry-level position.
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That s just kind of the nature of the beast.
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And there s a lot of people who think they want to be entrepreneurs, but really they just hate their day job.
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And I m not saying that that s you.
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I m just saying it s impossible to tell which one of those things you actually are.
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It sounds like
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since you do find things that you re passionate about and just dive in and you go whole hog, that you re gonna be able to find something that you really love.
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So I would say, look, stick with whatever you can to pay the bills because you re gonna need that job a lot longer than you think you re gonna need it before you end up profitable with your side gig.
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And do not pull the trigger on quitting your day job and saying, well, this is gonna be profitable in a few months, because that never works out.
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It s never how it happens.
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Keep your job until the last possible second.
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Quitting your job should be one of those things where you re like, oh, geez, yeah, I need to quit my job if I m gonna do all these things with my side gig that are actually making money.
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That s when you quit your job.
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You don t quit because you ve got stuff on the horizon.
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You quit because it s literally unsustainable for you to continue working on one and the other at the same time because they re both making you the same or similar amounts of money, or hopefully your side gig s making you even more.
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But either way that you re gonna be able to survive with your side gig, you have to actively be surviving with it, not thinking it s
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right around the corner, because it never really is, trust me.
1
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Whether it s trouble at home or a workplace dilemma, the coaches will help you find a winning formula for success.
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You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
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Right now, Kajabi is offering a free 30-day trial to start your business if you go to kajabi.com slash charm.
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That s K-A-J-A-B-I dot com slash charm.
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Go to kajabi.com slash charm and join the creators and entrepreneurs who have made over $7 billion.
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Thanks for listening and supporting The Art of Charm.
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For a list of all the amazing sponsors and discount codes, visit theartofcharm.com slash advertisers.
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Now back to Fan Mail Friday.
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Alright, next up.
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Dear Jordan, I ve recently uncovered your Art of Charm podcast and it s already had a profound impact in many aspects of my life.
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You are an incredibly bright individual and extremely authentic at the same time.
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I appreciate what you do for your fans and really anyone that tunes into your podcast for that matter.
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With that being said, my question is as follows.
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What s a good way to learn a foreign language, specifically Spanish?
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I m looking for an effective, reasonable, yet not terribly costly way to learn, a way I can learn at home and teach to myself.
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I m not expecting to be highly proficient in a manner of months, or really ever for that matter, just competent.
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I currently speak no second language, and I m sure you can guess what my primary language is from this email.
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Thanks.
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Respectfully, Tim.
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Hey Tim, thanks so much for the note, the compliments, and the kind words.
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We are always glad to hear how the show has changed someone s life for the better, so thanks for sharing that.
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I like that you re not putting pressure on yourself to get proficient in Spanish quickly.
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I think Skype lessons are the bomb.
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I think you can find lessons with a native teacher in a Spanish-speaking country for less than 15 bucks an hour.
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I think they can use the same textbook as you and you could do an hour three times a week or even five times a week.
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You will be proficient in no time if you do that plus vocabulary flashcards from an app.
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The flashcards might even have an app that follows those same words in your textbook and you might want to pick your textbook based on something like that.
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So what I do for Chinese is
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They got the same book as me, and when they don t, they kind of ask me to take pictures of the pages, which is funny, because these are Chinese textbooks that are published in the same city as where I take my Chinese lessons, but I take them all on Skype.
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The teachers are all native speakers.
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I think I pay like 12 bucks an hour.
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The lessons are one-on-one.
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They re on my schedule.
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It s amazing, and I think you can find the same thing for Spanish.
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I ve been doing that for years, and Chinese is quite different than Spanish.
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I think that you could really get rocking with this.
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For a few grand, you could end up
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fluent, or nearly, I should say, fluid enough to easily go down there and use this stuff really, really, really well.
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And you re going to be speaking with a native speaker.
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If you plan a trip to the same place where you can use the Spanish, maybe even going to meet your teachers and you re going to do some immersion classes when you get there, then you ll have milestones and something to look forward to each year.
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So say you take 12 months of
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Spanish lessons and then you go to a Spanish-speaking country or the same country where you re learning, where your teachers are.
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You go there for a couple weeks, you take some classes, you do some tourism.
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That way you look forward to each of those progress milestones each year.
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This is a recipe for fluency in Spanish at low cost and very, very low pressure.
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There s not a whole lot of outcome dependency here.
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I m excited for you, man.
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Let us know how it goes.
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I think that s gonna be a great way to learn.
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Super fun and super, super useful.
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Hi guys, I just heard my letter on fan mail Friday 78 and it was an out of body experience.
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I m the founding teacher and thanks for reading it.
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I appreciate that you went out of your way to talk to your mom for advice.
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I wanted to give you an update.
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I m leaving for the United Arab Emirates next Wednesday to teach math.
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It s a two year commitment, but they pay for a plane ticket back to the States every year and I ll be back next summer to take part in the AOC bootcamp.
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Last week I went back to my old school to see everyone one last time and I loved every second of it.
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All the students were excited to see me and it was great catching up with old colleagues.
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Seeing everyone really made me realize how much of an impact I really had.
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On top of that, our 2016 year-end data came back and our school had the most growth from all the schools in our organization.
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I guess I m writing to encourage anyone out there that isn t sure if their work is making a difference or not, to not be so hard on themselves.
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The older I get, the more I realize how much of a waste it is to worry about future performance.
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From now on, I m going to put my head down, work my ass off, and then trust that the chips will fall in the right place.
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The work I did to prepare students for the test wasn t done completely on my own, and I recognize that.
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I m extremely grateful for those that helped, and I also realize how important it is to use proven strategies that work.
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Needless to say, I m excited about my opportunity to be going abroad, and I m excited to teach again.
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In the UAE, I will be teaching at an all-boys school, who will all be Muslim, and it s an opportunity to apply all the lessons I ve learned in the past.
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I feel like somewhere in this email is an episode for a future podcast, or maybe it s been done before, but I can t thank you enough and everyone at The Art of Charm for all the work you guys do.
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It s served as a trusted guide and I will continue to listen while out in the UAE.
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Thanks, you rock, and you ll be hearing from me next year when it s time to pick a boot camp date.
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Cheers, tired teacher.
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This is awesome.
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Thanks so much for keeping us posted.
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See, guys, sometimes I actually do know what I m talking about over here.
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We ll look forward to hearing about the UAE and seeing you here at AOC, brother.
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Last but not least, Jason, take it away.
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Hi, Jordan.
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I m from the Gold Coast in Australia.
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I need some advice, as this is not something I ve come across in FMF or your regular podcasts.
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I separated from my partner of five years in early 2016, and we have two boys under four.
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I didn t take the breakup well and wallowed in self-pity for the best part of six months.
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I recently had the epiphany that I still love her and want to make things work, so I have embarked upon a journey of self-improvement which led my personal trainer to recommend your podcast to me.
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The main reasons she left me were that I wasn t very social and she was limiting her social interactions because of me.
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I was also probably the most negative person on the planet for a very long time.
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We sat down countless times over the course of our relationship and discussed these issues and each time I made the promise to change and did so usually for a couple of months.
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This makes her skeptical of the new me that I m trying to build and told me that it would take her at least 6 months to take me seriously.
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Initially after we split up I did my best to hide from her or make her hate me so it would be easier for me to let go of my love for her.
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After I realized that I still love her, I made efforts to reconnect and spend more time with her and the kids as a family.
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She considers me a friend and tells me about people she kisses or wants to sleep with, etc., which I ve expressed that I don t like to hear.
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She s aware that I still love her and want to get back together.
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Recently, I was looking for validation on my progress in her eyes.
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I ve lost about 15 kilograms and made efforts to go to events she s invited me to and be more social.
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This led to her blowing up that she doesn t love me anymore and she doesn t want to get back together.
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She went on to say she didn t want to talk about us or me loving her for at least 12 months.
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I can t understand her though, because she asks me to go away for weekends as friends, but intends for us to sleep in the same bed, knowing how I feel for her, and if she makes advances, I will reciprocate.
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I jumped at the chance initially, but had a change of heart after the last blow-up and cancelled the trip.
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I don t know what to do about the whole situation.
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Do I walk away and just have my kids every second weekend, leaving her alone and possibly losing any ground I d made up?
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Or do I swallow my words every time I want to talk to her about us and spend the time with her listening to her love life in hopes that eventually she sees my change and rekindles her love for me?
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I find it s gut-wrenching to be around her, but I also find it heartbreaking to not be around her.
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Sorry for the novel, but I hope you can offer some advice.
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Man, I feel bad reading this one.
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This sounds really mean.
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And I can t say that for sure she is.
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I mean, a lot of what s going on here is going through the filter of your own emotions here in this letter, so I m not sure what to say.
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But I will say this.
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She s clearly using you for validation, and she enjoys attention and possibly power over you, plain and simple.
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That s very clear from what you re writing here.
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And again, I m getting kind of a biased one-sided thing here, but you re letting this happen, though.
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You will never get back together with her while you chase her and you act needy like this.
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And it s not good for you either, as you know from your feeling miserable and just not liking any of what s going on here and you re writing me these letters.
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We can t control other people s behavior.
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We can only control our own behavior.
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So guess what you have to do?
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You ve got to leave, you ve got to suffer the loss instead of being controlled by the fear of loss, which is what you re doing now.
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You re giving her all your power because she controls your fear of loss.
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So rip off this band-aid and move on.
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She has mostly moved on, she s just keeping you in tow for attention and validation while she goes on to date other people.
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This is not good.
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So yeah, I m bummed that I have to tell you this, because I know you got kids together, but you need to take care of your own sanity.
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Your kids need a sane papa.
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They need a sane papa, they need a good example of how to handle the things that are going on in this pretty negative relationship, unless you want them to follow in the exact same footsteps as you guys, and you want your son
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to act like you when he s in this situation.
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I know you don t, because I know you don t like how you feel right now.
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And I m sorry that s not good news, and I don t have a magic technique for getting your wife back, but I think that this is much healthier for you, and for the kids, and for her for that matter, in the long run.
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I hope you all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget you can email us friday at theartofcharm.com to get your questions answered on the air.
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A link to this blog post can be found at theartofcharm.com slash fmf82.
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Also, don t forget about the AOC challenge.
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You can text charmed, that s c-h-a-r-m-e-d to 33444 in the USA, or wherever you are, you can go to theartofcharm.com.
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We re going to teach you how to become a better networker, get better at making personal and professional connections, increase your personal charisma, your social capital, that magnetism, and it s for both guys and gals, so check it out.
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Text CHARMED, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D, to 33444 here in the States, the United States, or if you re anywhere else, just go to theartofcharm.com.
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By the way, I do a lot of speaking these days, somehow, so if you re interested in having me come speak to your organization or your company, just reach out to me.
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I m jordan at theartofcharm.com.
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I really enjoy it.
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It s super fun.
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I love meeting everybody at these things.
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I m really enjoying it for the time being, and eventually I ll have to stop.
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I know that.
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So I m excited to do it while I can, while I m free to travel as much as I am.
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Quick shoutout to Nev Medora, he s a former guest and a listener here of AOC.
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He likes Fan Mail Friday because he likes the straight talk that people get.
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And Ivan Ivanovich, who lives in Switzerland by way of Serbia.
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Much appreciated for you listening to me way out there and for you reaching out to me here in my inbox.
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Always makes me feel good to hear from you.
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If you are in a strange land listening to my familiar voice, hit me up and I would love to shout you out.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com, including info on our live residential boot camps.
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These we run every week here in LA.
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If you really want to dig into this stuff, work on those AOC skills, get us as your coaches, go to bootcamp.theartofcharm.com.
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There s two dots in there.
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That s how that works.
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Now stay charming, get out there and connect, and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to the Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.