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All right, time for Fan Mail Fridays, where we ll be answering your questions and dropping some knowledge and feedback to help you kick the weekend off, right?
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, this is not the best place to start.
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Most of our content is much more in-depth and longer format, so check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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That s where we ve got the fundamentals of body language and nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, and everything else we teach here at the Art of Charm.
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All right, let s cut to it.
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This time, Jason, you re going to read me the questions, and I m going to do the answers.
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All right.
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First question of the day comes from Kreesh.
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Hi, Jordan.
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Normally, I m a pretty confident guy, but I ve been losing my hair for a little while, and it s getting to the point where it s pretty obvious I m receding, et cetera.
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It has done a number on my confidence, especially when it comes to approaching women, day or night.
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I can t help but feel like they have no interest in me because of my hair loss.
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Was wondering if you had some words of wisdom or advice that would help me through this.
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Thanks, man.
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Yep, sure thing, Chris.
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Definitely losing your hair can feel like you re losing a part of your identity, especially if you are
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really confident before about your hair, you had cool hair, something like that, but I ll ask you, there s a lot of things going on here, just sort of in your head and with confidence, but have you considered shaving it all off?
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I mean, first of all, if you re starting to lose your hair, that process is not gonna reverse itself.
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All those drugs and stupid things that are out there are terrible for you.
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so you re not gonna be able to hide it forever, and you re gonna worry about it all the time.
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So my recommendation is shave it, get rid of it completely, and own the new look.
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Some people won t like it.
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That s their problem, it s their issue.
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Own the new look, especially if you re a little bit darker.
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I see his profile picture here in the email.
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You re a little bit darker skinned, you can get away with it.
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It s not gonna look like one of those pasty guys like me with a little bit of stubble on their head, so you won t even have to shave it, shave it probably every day.
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If you own that new look, it s less maintenance, a lot of women are really going to dig it, and it ll bring you newfound confidence.
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I have that for sure.
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So let me know how that goes.
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I know shaving your head can be a big step, but I think it ll actually be pretty fun once you get down to it.
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Melanie writes, should I let my son become an entrepreneur?
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Now this is interesting because Melanie s background here is that the kid s just graduating college, she s an entrepreneur, and the kid wants to become an entrepreneur.
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And we just talked to Gary Vaynerchuk about this, so that s gonna be in a show coming out later this month.
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But I ll say this, now is the time to take on risk.
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He s never gonna have less responsibility and less to lose than he is right now.
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Once he starts getting a family, a wife, kids, people counting on him, that s gonna be much harder to start off and do your own thing.
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And also, yes, he s got student loans, but that stuff s really not that risky.
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You know, you can make the minimum payments, you ll be fine, the interest rates are pretty low.
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And skills come from work.
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And I think her real qualm here is that she s worried that he s not going to have any quote unquote work experience, but skills come from work, not just from working for a company, especially not for a big company where they re just going to sort of let you check for commas and documents or give you some sort of mediocre low level training for the first couple of years.
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And this isn t the same as it was for you, Melanie, as a parent, when you were growing up, your path, and I know she gave a little bit of background here that will spare you, her path was grow up, get a job, stick with that job for 25, 30 years, and retire.
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Things are a lot different now.
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Things are totally different.
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You re bouncing from job to job.
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You re getting more experience.
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The experience you get from starting your own business, even if it fails, is going to be much greater than somebody getting another couple of years of very low-level, entry-level experience at a big organization.
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So those factors all put together, I say let the kid do what he wants to do.
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Let him fail a couple of years or, who knows, maybe succeed greatly.
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But either way, he s going to get a better experience than he would being an entry-level employee at a big corporation.
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Jerry writes, this stuff is manipulative.
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I shouldn t have to pretend to be something I m not or learn special skills to get people to like me.
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I don t like the idea of becoming someone else.
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Yeah, I definitely understand that.
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And we ve talked about this a lot on the show before, where we talk about the subtractive process, where we re not layering onto your personality, but we re getting rid of a lot of the insecurities that are turning people away from you.
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But I ll tell you,
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Right now, the reason people learn things like social dynamics and networking skills and charisma and personal magnetism, it s very similar to the reason that people learn martial arts.
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You might learn martial arts for exercise, or you might learn it to hurt other people, or you might learn it to defend yourself, except for when you re learning social dynamics, it s less obvious than getting beat up or being out of shape.
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People think the world is unkind to you if you don t have these skills,
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And instead of doing something about it, you just ignore the problem.
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And I m sure that Jerry is one of these guys who s like, well, you know, I don t get what I want out of life, but people should accept me for who I am.
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It s kind of like, it s kind of like saying, well, you know, I m overweight, but I shouldn t be, I shouldn t have to exercise just to be in great shape.
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Nobody would ever say that.
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But when it comes to social skills and things like that, we tend to ignore the problem.
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So if you re overweight and you wanted to solve it, you d be working out and not looking down on other people like Jerry is doing here for doing the same thing.
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So I d say take a good, cold, hard look at the skills you don t want to have to learn.
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and ask yourself why.
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Is it because the challenge seems too daunting?
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Is it because you think that this is going to entail becoming someone you re not and you re really attached to your current identity or your current behaviors, even though they re not really working for you?
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I think once you start to ask the questions like that, you might have a little bit of a different perspective.
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Hiroshi writes, how do I get my English good enough to handle an interview?
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I m learning a lot from you and your show and even starting to talk like you, Jordan.
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I m still not sure it s enough to get through a job interview.
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Yeah, this would be really funny.
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I want to meet a Japanese guy who talks like me, but you re right.
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It s probably not enough to get through a job interview, and I would definitely not pick me as the person that you want to emulate to get through a job interview, considering I ve had like one real job in my whole life and I got it really easily because the market was hot.
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But anyway, this is a technique known as shadowing that by speaking with language teachers overseas while immersing myself in a foreign language, which, by the way, is the best way hands down to get better at language.
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I still find this tremendously helpful for short-term oral fluency improvement.
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Watch your favorite English-language TV show or a movie, and as the characters are speaking, repeat very loudly the exact words that they are saying the moment you hear them.
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So in other words, you re kind of shadowing their dialogue, mirroring their dialogue in real time.
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Don t worry about nailing every single syllable, but focus on listening carefully, moving along quickly, and keeping the same pace.
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And after the movie ends, you can repeat the exact same movie and do it again and again and again.
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And forcing yourself to speak at native speed and native pace, your brain will become trained to really be hyper-receptive to what you re hearing.
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and you ll find yourself picking up the words quicker, you ll find yourself picking up the phrases quicker, you ll find yourself picking up the sounds quicker, and you ll also be unconsciously mimicking inflections and vocal tonality and little nuances that are usually really, really hard for non-natives to learn.
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And it ll also fix that hesitation that comes from a lack of confidence in the foreign language.
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So you re kind of making the actors in the movie your conversation partners.
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And this is gonna be great practice before your interview.
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feel free to shadow the entire conversation that I m having with guests here on the show as well.
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And you can practice these dialogues again and again, and you ll be amazed at how quickly you ll improve not only your speaking, but also your ability to actively listen to other people and react.
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So best of luck in your job interview.
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Let us know how that goes.
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Sanjay writes, friend lied on resume and got promoted over me.
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I m super pissed.
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What should I do?
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It makes me want to lie the next time.
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Yeah, that sucks because if your friend lied on his resume and that helped him, it really kind of, it s sort of the quintessential life s not fair and sometimes people do cheat and get ahead at least at first.
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And I bet you though that your reasons for not getting promoted have more to do with you and less to do with your friend.
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And I ll warn you right now against lying.
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I think it s a really dirty path to take.
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People,
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Jason, have you seen this?
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There was a woman at some university, it s really escaping me right now, but she got fired like 28 years after she lied about where she went to school on her resume.
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I think she was like a dean of admissions at Yale or something.
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Ouch.
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No, I didn t see that one.
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We ll have to look that up and put it in the show notes.
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Yeah, it was serious business.
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And she got fired right before she was going to retire.
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for good cause, and I mean, do you really want this, what if they find out, kind of, do you really want that paranoia following you for your entire career?
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It also sets you up really poorly.
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I mean, if you lie once, then lying and cheating helps you, right, and you ll do it again, it starts to get worse and worse and worse, and I ll tell you a little story.
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There s another person in a similar industry to me who has behaved
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pretty unethically towards me in the past.
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They post negative reviews of the Art of Charm on iTunes.
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They told people bad things about us and I ve caught him doing this and we talked about it.
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And this is fundamentally, hands down, no question about it, unethical behavior.
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But of course, when I confronted him about it, there was a lot of denial, there was a lot of BS back and forth, and he even accused me of doing something really similar in hopes probably that I would go like, okay, well, unclean hands were even, or hoping that I would confess to something that I didn t do.
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And lately, this is months or even years later now, they wanna work together, they wanna be on the show, they wanna introduce me to people, they wanna do joint venture things, but I would have this in mind, having known this person for so long, I might have actually bit on one of these things, but now there s no way that I will ever, ever do this, because I d have to be so protective, it wouldn t be worth the effort to just,
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pick someone else to do the same project or similar projects.
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And lately there was one deal where he wanted to work with me.
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I said no.
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He reached out to a third party company in order to really kind of leverage me into this deal.
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And what ended up happening was I had to tell this third party company, this third party entrepreneur that I didn t want to do the deal and here s why.
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And what ended up happening was they backed off too.
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They don t want to work with him.
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And now he can t work with two people.
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And that word starts to travel.
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That snowball starts to fall down the hill.
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And that s not a good place to be.
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When someone s unethical, they destroy trust.
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It makes it really, really difficult to work with if you can get anything done.
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And it s like working with somebody who s incompetent or unreliable, except instead of just failing when you re incompetent or unreliable, it can be even more harmful because you just don t know what to expect.
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It s not just failure, it could be worse.
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So unethical behavior like cheating, lying, it s short-sighted.
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You see immediate benefits, but it sounds like you re failing to look at the long-term damage
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to your reputation, so you gotta ask yourself, are you gonna lie and cheat with your family, your spouse?
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When that opportunity comes up, are you gonna lie to your friends?
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Where do you draw the line?
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You think you can, but that s not how it works.
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You gotta have high ethical standards now.
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It s a bummer in a lot of ways, because that short-term benefit does seem pretty sweet.
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It s hard, but if you don t do it now, you re gonna wish you had in the long run.
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Trust me on this one.
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Troy writes, it s been almost four months since bootcamp and I m definitely starting to see some positive changes.
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The most notable was the idea that having more time, more information, and more plans for the future, as you say in the podcast, can only get you far in achieving anything.
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So since the bootcamp, I ve also found that I m listening to podcasts and consuming content less.
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Although I am still prone to info binging, it seems to me now that learning self-development more than actually applying it can be a waste of time and attention.
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This is starting to form a new belief in me that I m not too sure is beneficial or not.
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I m starting to discard any suggestions to books, blogs, or websites recommended by people outright without considering the value they are offering.
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I m also trying to figure out what I should be doing when I do have time to listen or read.
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The big draw that The Art of Charm has had for me is that it gives actionable steps in every episode instead of just recommending more and more books.
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But even listening to each episode every week can make one feel as if they are still not accomplishing enough.
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It s almost like a Keeping Up With The Joneses kind of effect.
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I want to be the best man I can be, and I m thankful for AOC as well as countless other authors and other influences that have helped me get this far.
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But I m wondering where the point of diminishing returns actually is.
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It seems like everybody makes note of it in one way or another, but it has never really been addressed in any real detail.
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I figure somebody like yourself, who is generating an hour s worth of content every week, may have an interesting perspective on this.
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Yeah, this is an interesting question, because basically Troy s like, hey, I ve gotten a lot out of this, but I can t read 87,000 books, and I don t know what I m supposed to consume, probably because retention becomes the game here, right?
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So I ll just have you guys know this, right?
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I don t apply everything here on the show.
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If you can get one,
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Tidbit per show that you use, even temporarily, that s a win.
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Same thing goes for books.
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That s one of the reasons why I think books are not overrated, but reading the whole thing cover to cover can be.
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Use books like a tool.
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You don t have to read the thing cover to cover.
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It s not a work of art.
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Sometimes it is, but usually it s not.
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Skim the thing, read the chapters you need.
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I leave a lot of the stuff on the show for you guys to sift out and find what you need at that time.
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That s why if you go back and listen to episodes months or years later, you ll find other things in there that you can use.
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Different things are gonna apply to you at different times.
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Don t try to set up everything the way that one guest has it or the way that I have it.
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One thing per show, even for a short period of time, is a win.
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And comparing yourself to others, the keeping up with the Joneses, oh, I ve got this system in place, and that guy s got that system, and we ve got this, and this other guy does that, that s a losing battle.
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I find myself doing this all too often as well.
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But you just have to realize, it s incremental improvement that wins the race.
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This is tortoise and the hare, right?
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You don t have to get everything down, Pat.
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You don t have to be doing all this stuff.
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Most people have never heard of any of this stuff.
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So you get an edge if you apply even 10% of it.
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So stop worrying about getting it all, and just worry about getting one thing for every time you consume a bit of information, every time you consume a show, every time you read a book.
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Apply one thing, work it in, or use it to look at something else in a different way, and you re winning.
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All right, hope you guys enjoyed that.
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Don t forget, you can reach me, Jordan, at theartofcharm.com.
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I read everything, well, Jason does now, but I d love to hear from you.
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More from The Art of Charm at theartofcharm.com.
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Now have a great weekend, get out there and connect, and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
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Go to kajabi.com slash charm and join the creators and entrepreneurs who have made over $7 billion.
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Hey, Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
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Winning is an everyday mindset, and Craig Robinson and John Calipari are here to help.
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On Ways to Win podcast, Craig and Coach Cal use their on-court wisdom to solve your off-court problems.
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Whether it s trouble at home or a workplace dilemma, the coaches will help you find a winning formula for success.
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You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
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Thanks for listening to the Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and everything for the extraordinary man at theartofcharmpodcast.com.