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Time for Fan Mail Friday.
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We ll be answering your questions and dropping some knowledge and feedback, help you kick the weekend off right.
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If you re new to the AOC podcast, not the best place to start.
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Much of our content is more in-depth and longer format, so check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best, or the Fundamentals Toolbox at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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That s where we keep our fundamentals, like body language, nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, and everything else we teach here at the Art of Charm.
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All right, let s cut to it.
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Dear AOC, please help me.
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I recently broke up with the man I had been dating for the last year and a half.
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He s a former student of yours and very much enjoyed your classes.
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During our first date, I indicated to him that a man passing gas in front of me is a deal breaker for any relationship.
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I grew up with three brothers and a father who thought that passing gas was something that was acceptable to do in front of female family members.
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I cannot tell you how many times that I asked my boyfriend not to pass gas if I was anywhere around and we were living together.
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And as the relationship continued, the behavior did not stop and I was told he was quote unquote trying.
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One of the reasons we broke up was because of my lack of desire to have sex with him.
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Passing gas to me is as offensive as a woman who has a massive yeast infection and asks her partner to perform oral sex on her.
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A huge turn off.
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As you can imagine, growing up with four men in the house whom exhibited gas passing behavior made me appreciate men who don t.
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Of course I understand sometimes a burp or a slip here and there are just mother nature.
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However, as a grown man, he has chosen not to change this.
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My ex-boyfriend s adult son moved in with us for a couple of months, and I did not hear him burp or fart even one time.
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Obviously, this wasn t the singular reason I decided to end the relationship, but it did play a big factor in the sex appeal of my partner.
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Also, by my partner choosing not to change his behavior, I also interpreted that as he didn t care for or respect me.
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If he told me on the first date that he would never marry a woman who has an issue with him farting or burping, I never would have gone on a second date.
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I was up front and gave him plenty of time to try and change.
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Please bring this up as a topic of discussion.
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My ex-boyfriend listens faithfully, and I am hoping that if he hears this from a non-biased third party, maybe the message will finally get through.
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Kind regards, Anonymous.
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A, I realize you want to stay anonymous, and I definitely understand that it looks like, at this point, he doesn t care about you.
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And it s not that he can t keep it together, and your letter s a little bit maybe misguided.
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It s not that we don t teach guys not to fart in front of women.
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Obviously, the fact that that s impolite is not lost on me.
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I think what he s trying to tell you without telling you is that he doesn t want to be in a relationship with you.
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This is a deal breaker for you, and he knows that, and he s doing it anyway.
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He probably just didn t sort of man up and tell you that he doesn t want to be with you anymore.
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That said, it sounds like he dodged a bullet because you seem a little bit uptight about this and I think you re maybe misplacing your anger.
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I think you re very angry that he s not adhering to something that you said was important to you and that s what you re actually angry about.
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I don t think anybody should be reasonably that upset about a fart.
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Because that s what we re talking about here.
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But really, when you dig deep, what we re talking about is that he doesn t seem to care about you and your preferences.
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So I would say this is not a good fit.
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And it s not a problem with what is taught or not taught at AOC.
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It s more of an application thing from this guy, who, by the way, I fished that out of the alumni group and talked with him about it.
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He knows, and he knew the whole time.
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He just didn t know how to handle the situation.
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And so I m glad we got a chance to address it.
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Hi Jordan, I m a relatively new subscriber to the AOC podcast, but I love learning so I have listened to almost every episode for the last two months.
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I just graduated high school in June, so I m entering manhood right now.
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Thanks for all the great content and I hope soon to take a bootcamp after I m done traveling as I m currently taking a gap year.
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Also, I m attending the University of Michigan next year, as you probably noticed, because of my email address.
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Now for my question.
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One of my best friends has always had weight issues.
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Ever since I ve known him, we met the first day of high school, he s about 5 7 , he s always hovered around 240 to 270 pounds.
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He comes off as very confident and doesn t seem embarrassed about his weight.
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He is the typical class clown, but as I have gotten closer to him, I know he does struggle with body image.
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He s also had self-discipline issues that has negatively affected him in most areas of his life, but oftentimes he is just always trying to have a good time.
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Myself and the other people that support him have tried many things to help him lose weight.
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His parents sent him to fat camp.
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He s had a minor liposuction surgery.
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His parents even used to pay him for every five pounds he could lose.
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My other friend and I have tried to work out with him, but nothing has worked.
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Now that he s in college, he has ballooned.
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I think he s put on 20 or 30 more pounds.
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I m just nervous for his health, but I don t know how to talk to him about how dangerous his weight gain is.
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Also, I don t want to make him feel bad about himself, like ugly or gross.
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Thanks for any suggestions and sorry for such a long email.
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Simone.
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Hey, this is really tough, Simone, and there s just not a lot that we can do to change other people.
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We can only use psychology to change even ourselves.
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So it s tough.
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Really, what you can do is offer support and encouragement, but you have to do so on his terms.
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For example, if he wants anyone to do activities with,
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You can let him know that you ll be there for him if he wants to do any activities.
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You can ask him if he wants to do anything with you.
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You can encourage physical activity when you two hang out.
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And you can tell him, look, I m your friend no matter what.
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I care about you.
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I know that maybe this is really tough, so I m willing to support you however I can.
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And if you want an accountability buddy, that s me.
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Just tell him, look, I m a bit nervous for your health, and that s it.
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And then you can drop it.
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And that way he ll know he can come to you if he wants to.
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You can, like I said, invite him to do activities with you guys that are physical, but don t pressure him into going.
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And people have to change themselves.
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This sounds like a therapy issue, and you should really encourage him to do that as well.
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Dear Jordan, kind of off topic, but I m 23 years old working in a book warehouse in Baltimore.
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My job sucks and I want to do something more with my life.
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So I m thinking about going to college.
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Is it worth it?
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Signed, Questioning College.
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Hey, Questioning.
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This is a super complicated question that we addressed recently on a podcast as well.
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But let me go through some of the basics for you here.
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College can be super expensive.
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So if you re going to do it, you need to spend as little as possible.
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One way to do this is to go to a community college for the first two years and get all of your gen eds out of the way.
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Your degree will still be from wherever you graduate from.
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And I know there s a little bit of a stigma attached to community college.
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I went to really, quote unquote, great, amazing schools and people made a big deal out of that.
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And when somebody transferred in from a community college, guess what?
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Nobody cared.
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Nobody even knew.
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So it didn t matter.
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And once you graduate, nobody gives a crap.
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Even in-state public college tuition, though, can be very pricey these days, so keep that in mind.
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You get more in grants and in aid after you turn 24, so kicking this down the road a year or so might help, and research that, because that was the case when I was younger.
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Now it might be a little bit tricky.
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And don t go just for the sake of going.
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Have a plan.
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I went to law school for the sake of going, for lack of a better explanation, and that
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was a huge expenditure.
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I don t necessarily regret it, but I certainly wouldn t do it over again.
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And also consider other ways that you can improve your life that cost less or nothing at all.
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Trade school, for example, takes two years, generally, and can radically improve your earning potential.
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It also doesn t cost that much, and often employers are willing to pay for it if you re gonna go work for them afterwards.
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Another option is apprenticing, where you essentially get paid to learn new job-specific skills.
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Only you can make the final decision, but there s some stuff to chew on while you think about it, and there s no shame and no stigma, or at least there shouldn t be, in any of these options, and don t let anybody else tell you otherwise.
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Oh, before I forget, actually, there s a foundation called the Mike Rowe Works.
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You know Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs.
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He has a lot of sort of continuing education grants for people who want to do things like trade schools, so look at that.
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Mike Rowe Works.
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He will maybe be able to help you get into where you need to go and help you finance it as well.
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We ll link that in the show notes.
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Hey Jordan, love the podcast.
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Even the stuff that s not directly useful to me is a great window into a foreign mindset.
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Here s my question, if you can get to it.
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For the first 25 years of my life, I had a lot of adventures and I can tell some amazing and funny stories.
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But in the last several years, I finally settled down and started to focus on really getting good at a few things.
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My challenges, though engrossing to me, are no longer the kinds of things that make for lively conversation.
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I m increasingly realizing that all my quote-unquote best stories are now 10 years old.
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And there will probably never be a crop of similar stories because I no longer feel the need to nearly kill myself to demonstrate how tough I am.
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But it also makes me feel... boring.
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I m wondering if I need to reframe the situation.
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You probably have some experience with this, going from international kidnappings to the white picket fence, and you have also talked to a lot of, especially military guys, who have had to move on to new, less storied careers.
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I guess I always assumed that there would always be new cool stories in the pipeline, but now my stories are more like, I made a really good guess, took a fair amount of risk, and it paid off.
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Maybe I should stop thinking in terms of stories at all, but I ve always found them to be such
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a great way to build rapport.
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When people start swapping stories something magical happens and you get the most incredible insight into how other people think and what makes them tick.
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If I give up these old stories I don t think I have much to replace them with and I guess I fear losing a great way to bond.
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But maybe I m looking at this the wrong way and just need to identify a different way to relate to people that I m currently underutilizing.
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What do you think?
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Hey, you know what?
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I thought about this a lot as well, and I started asking some people who were my age and older that did have kids, and you know what?
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We came to this conclusion.
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People just start telling different stories.
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You start talking about your kids, you start talking about your house.
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They seem boring to some because those people aren t the right audience for the story, but the same thing happens to me when I talk about business.
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Some people think it s really boring and some people love it.
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I use them to filter in my tribe or at least my immediate audience for whatever we re going to be talking about.
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So find your new stories, make new ones that excite you and tell those stories.
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You ll use them like I do as a filter to see who belongs in your life and in your audience.
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You re not boring, you re just different.
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You might only be boring to people that you were previously hanging out with who are not at your stage of life.
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Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
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They say if you do what you love, you never work a day in your life.
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But if you re an entrepreneur, you know the hard work that comes with it.
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That s why you need Kajabi.
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Kajabi makes it easy to run your entire online business from one platform so you can focus on what you love.
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Creating.
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Kajabi is the ultimate all-in-one platform that helps creators and entrepreneurs build successful online businesses by unlocking predictable recurring revenue.
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No matter your niche, Kajabi makes it easy to turn your skills, passions, and experiences into enriching online courses, exclusive membership sites, subscription podcasts, thriving communities, personalized coaching, and more.
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The best part?
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Kajabi doesn t cut into your revenue because everything is owned and controlled by you.
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So keep 100% of what you earn.
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And with Kajabi, you also get robust analytics, easy payment options, email marketing tools, and customizable website templates, all built in.
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You don t even need a huge audience to make sustainable income.
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There are thousands of creators on Kajabi making six and seven figures with less than 50,000 followers.
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Right now, Kajabi is offering a free 30-day trial to start your business if you go to kajabi.com slash charm.
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That s K-A-J-A-B-I dot com slash charm.
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Go to Kajabi.com slash charm and join the creators and entrepreneurs who have made over seven billion dollars.
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Hey Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
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Winning is an everyday mindset and Craig Robinson and John Calipari are here to help.
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On Ways to Win podcast, Craig and Coach Cal use their on-court wisdom to solve your off-court problems.
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Whether it s trouble at home or a workplace dilemma, the coaches will help you find a winning formula for success.
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You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
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Dear Jordan, I ve just started dating a woman who makes a lot more money than I do.
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This isn t really a problem per se, but she expects me to pick up the tab every time that we go out.
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Is this cool?
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Am I expecting too much?
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Note that I m not broke, she s just insanely successful.
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I d love to hear your thoughts.
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Signed, Big Spender.
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Hey Big Spender, sorry I couldn t resist.
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Last week we actually talked about how there are some pretty hard and fast rules when it comes to who picks up the tab on a first date.
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As a guy, cue angry emails from all corners of the internet, you re expected to pick up the tab when you ask her out on the first date, special occasions like her birthday, but once you two are dating regularly, you two could or should be splitting the tab generally unless one of you wants to pay for the whole thing or it s a special occasion.
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It sounds like though what s going on here
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is less that you want to pick up the tab all the time and more that she expects you to do so.
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And other than having a really awkward conversation about this, I don t think there s much you can do.
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Remember though, this is a situation that you created by reaching for your wallet too fast after dinner.
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Now, it s also very possible that look,
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She was raised this way.
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That s possible.
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Take a look at her family background.
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Is she really conservative?
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Is this how her family operates?
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Maybe she takes this as a sign of affection, which is, that happens a lot.
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People look at different acts of service or provision as a sign of affection.
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Does she have you doing other things for her to show love?
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Is she sort of an acts of service person when it comes to her feeling cared about?
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Does she partner?
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Does she hold her share with you in other ways?
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You know, is she helping do other things around the house?
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Again, if she s really conservative, maybe she cooks and cleans or something like that that seems more domestic.
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So that might be what she considers to be her part.
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So if so, look, don t sweat it.
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If you re overspending, say something.
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And if she dumps you because of that, well, then you ve dodged a bullet anyway.
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Dear Art of Charm, Okay, here s the deal.
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I use your tips and it gets me lots of dates.
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The problem is that I rarely, if ever, get a second one.
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I finally pumped a friend of mine for information on the subject, she s a mutual friend of a recent date, and she said that it wasn t that I m boring, it s not that I smell bad, but I m apparently bad at conversation because I discuss quote-unquote inappropriate first date topics.
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She wouldn t tell me anything more specific than that, so what should I not talk about on a first date?
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Signed, Clueless in Austin.
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Hey Clueless, thanks for reaching out.
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It s very common for guys getting their feet wet with serious, hardcore dating to make this kind of mistake.
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After all, you re used to hanging out with the guys and you can basically say and do anything you want around them, but you don t need me to tell you that women are a whole different breed altogether sometimes.
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Here s a list of a few things that you should never talk about on a first date or probably any other regular date.
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Alright, your future.
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It s a first date.
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You don t have a future.
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Don t talk about anything beyond whether or not you want to head somewhere after dinner or if you want to go on another date.
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Anything beyond that makes you look grabby, clingy, and desperate.
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And yes, people actually do this.
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I ve definitely been around people or seen messages come in from people.
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where they re talking about things like weddings or planning trips together after their first or second date, it s weird.
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Unless you re both exactly on the same page, it s very strange and it s rare that two healthy people are gonna be on that same sort of way-advanced page on the first or second date, especially if you re young and in your 20s and you re not already in your 50s or 60s and you ve known each other for a long time, knowing exactly what you want.
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So, money is another thing.
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Want a woman asking you what you make on the first date, or any other date for that matter,
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No, neither does she.
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You might wonder how much she s pulling in when you see her roll up in a beamer, but keep your curiosity to yourself.
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It s none of your business right now.
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Sex.
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Look, it s okay to flirt on the first date.
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It s okay to generate a little tension, but you want to save all the questions about how many partners she s had and when she did the deed for the first time.
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Save that for later on down the line, if ever.
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Don t invite her back to your place at dinner.
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Maybe after, if things are going really well and that s how you roll, but never during.
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It s really tactless, frankly.
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And Xs, don t ask, don t tell.
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You ll get all that information on a need-to-know basis as things progress.
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Try these out and hit us up if you avoid these topics and you still have trouble.
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It s just a general guideline.
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This week, I did a video where I discuss emotional sore spots and triggers, how you can find what triggers you and how to work on those, and especially see where you re rearranging your whole life based on these triggers, which can do a lot of harm over time.
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A link to this blog post can be found at theartofcharm.com slash fmf41.
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Hope you enjoyed that and don t forget you can reach us at Friday at theartofcharm.com.
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We read everything and would love to hear from you.
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Quick shout out to Chris listening in Antarctica, random, shivering and listening to AOC to stay warm.
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Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up and I ll shout you out.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com.
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Now have a great weekend.
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Get out there and connect and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to the Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.