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All right, time for Fan Mail Friday.
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I m your host, Jordan Harbinger, and I m here with producer Jason DeFilippo.
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We ll be answering your questions and dropping some knowledge and feedback to help you kick the weekend off right.
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, this isn t the best place to start because most of our content is a lot more in depth.
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It s longer format.
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It s interview based.
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So check out the best of at the art of charm dot com slash best or the fundamentals toolbox at the art of charm dot com slash toolbox.
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If you ve got the app, it s a separate tab.
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And there we ve got the fundamentals of body language and nonverbal communication, attraction, negotiation, networking, etc.
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Everything else we teach here at The Art of Charm.
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And we ll send all that to your inbox if you text CHARMED, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D, to 33444 here in the USA, or if you just have more else, go to theartofcharm.com.
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By the way, funny note, Angela Duckworth, she taught inner city kids, you know, that was the beginning of her book, Jason, and it turns out that
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A lot of those guys I hang out with now in San Francisco were those inner city kids.
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And they heard the interview that I did with Angela Duckworth.
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And they were like, hey, Jordan, you interviewed Miss Duckworth.
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That s crazy, man.
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And I was like, yeah, maybe you re the kids that she was talking about were so bad and unreachable.
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And they said, yeah, she always used to separate us.
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And it s a small, small world.
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It is.
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It is.
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All right, let s cut to it.
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Dear Jordan, I ve been seeing this guy for about 4 months and things are moving along really well.
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Recently we were having a casual conversation about plastic surgery and to my surprise he has a strong negative view on anyone who fixes themselves up with these kinds of procedures.
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It s been about 6 years since I ve had a rhinoplasty done and I don t usually tell anyone unless they ask me directly.
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He obviously can t tell that I ve had a nose job and I feel as if I m deceiving him by not telling him about it.
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Do you think I should tell him about my plastic nose now?
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Should I wait till things get more serious and then tell him about it?
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Or can I get away with not telling him about it at all?
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Thank you so much for your time and advice, and thank you for what you re doing for the community.
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Your podcast is the only thing I listen to regularly.
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Sincerely, AOC Fan.
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Well, thanks for that note.
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Honestly, I think you should bring it up now.
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It s obviously driving you crazy.
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Otherwise, you could say it s none of his business, but it might eventually become some of his business.
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And I think it s obviously bugging you.
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I know it would bug me.
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And you can preface this discussion of this comment saying, look, I m a little nervous.
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I got something to tell you.
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Anyway, I ve heard you talk negatively about plastic surgery and blah, blah, blah.
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I felt you needed it.
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Maybe tell him why you felt you needed it.
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Maybe X, Y, Z reason.
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say, I hope you could accept that about me because my guess is that he will instantly put his foot in his mouth and say something like, oh, I didn t mean that.
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I just mean vain people that get fake boobs and facelifts or something because they ve got low self-esteem.
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But not you, babe.
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I bet you it will never come up again.
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He s probably just making conversation or or venting a little bit.
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I don t think he s going to judge you for it.
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And honestly,
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If he breaks up with you because of this, he s a fool for doing so, and you ll be better off without him.
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So this is kind of win-win.
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I don t see this being anything more than a mildly awkward, very short conversation, and getting this out in the open can only be good for you.
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Alright, next question.
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Hey Jordan, you ve answered one of my questions before, but I thought of another that s always been a struggle of mine both in personal and professional relationships.
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I ve always been a bad judge of character.
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Either I m too quick to trust someone who later turns out to not deserve it, or I m suspicious of someone who later turns out to be a good friend or partner.
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It s gotten to the point where I feel I can no longer trust my instincts or first impressions of people.
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Any tips for how to improve this?
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Thanks, bad judge.
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Often when we think we re not getting better and we think we re making the same mistakes over and over again is because there s something in our programming that s overriding our gut and overriding our decision-making process.
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For example, sometimes people say,
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Oh, I always end up with the same type of guy or girl or I always end up being taken advantage of, etc.
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And this is often because they re seeking out this type of person because of their programming or their patterns that they ve had growing up.
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So sometimes we actually
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have to resist or break those patterns, which isn t easy.
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And what I m saying here is I don t think your first impression is your gut impression.
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I think you re being attracted to people for other reasons, or maybe finding other people repellent for some reason that s not your gut.
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So you got to examine people s motivations.
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And this isn t really the easiest thing, but ask yourself why they re saying what they re saying.
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you ll end up with multiple answers for each possibility.
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So every time someone says something or does something, you know, in the beginning when you don t know them, ask them why they re saying what they re saying.
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Then in your head, map out scenarios, but don t assume that they ll follow through on those.
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Maybe they re saying it because of this reason.
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Maybe they re saying it because of that reason.
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Follow them through, not to a ridiculous conclusion, but follow it through to a conclusion.
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So try to guess then what will happen based on your gut instinct and track when you re right and track when you re wrong and do that on paper.
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Don t do that in your head because you ll play mind games with yourself.
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But what will happen is you ll learn to listen to your gut, which is much better at making decisions based on lots of different inputs.
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We heard about that from Blink, Malcolm Gladwell s book, Blink.
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And also Raj Raghunathan.
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That s right.
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On his Minnesota Monday.
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That s right, I knew it was something recent.
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Roger Grunathan as well.
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Much better at making decisions based on a lot of input, whereas our brain uses logic and other info or other factors, which is easily manipulated, faked by other people or by ourselves.
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But over time, you ll get a lot better at this, I promise.
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And you ll get a lot better at this a lot faster if you do what I suggest above, which is essentially a deliberate practice version of street smarts and life experience.
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All right, moving right along.
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Hey team, love the show and keep up the good work.
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On Fan Mail Friday, there seem to be a good number of questions that are asked and answered, and probably even more that are unanswered.
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People ask questions that belie patterns which are clear to the listener, but the person asking is unaware of that pattern, possibly as a result of early trauma or conditioning.
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Like the fish in the water that doesn t understand what water is, the person living with the conditioning can t see it.
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I ve observed this when Jordan answers a question and points out the entitlement of the person or some other possibly negative trait that may be the actual issue that needs to be addressed or at least in tandem with the question being asked.
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How can someone best be able to highlight the unconscious conditioning that s the root of their problem that they don t even see and lets them ask questions that aren t actually the ones they need solved?
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Thanks again guys for a show that helps so many.
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Garrett.
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Hey, G, thanks for the note.
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This is what therapy and coaching and things like that is actually for.
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We cannot see our own blind spots.
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And I hope that makes sense.
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This isn t just something that happens to some people.
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I mean, this happens to everybody, myself included.
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So if you want to get good at something, if you want to find out where the holes are, you have to have somebody else that knows what they re doing, giving a close inspection to everything that you re doing, saying, and every skill that you re trying to learn.
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All right, question four.
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About a year ago, a new girl started at our office, and we ended up hanging out a lot and then became good friends.
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We liked the same music, she was fun and interesting, and I started to have feelings for her.
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However, I never managed to pluck up the courage to actually ask her out, and the moment passed me by.
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The feelings were still there, but we became quote unquote just friends.
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Fast forward 6 months, and she had become friends with my roommate through hanging out with me a lot, and they eventually hooked up and are now dating.
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I remember feeling absolutely crushed when I, unfortunately, overheard what was going on.
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Ouch.
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Yeah.
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They were then sneaking around as if nothing was going on, but having this secret relationship.
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I really didn t know what to feel about it all.
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Then a breakthrough moment.
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Through listening to AOC No.
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145 with Dr. Robert Glover, I realized I was in fact a dreaded nice guy.
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I d fallen into all the nice guy patterns with this girl.
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Caretaking, covert contracts, approval seeking, you name it.
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I was nice guying like a neckbeard champion.
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After reading the book No More Mr. Nice Guy, also by Dr. Robert Glover, and having a new context on everything, I told the girl how I felt, what was going on, and that I wanted some space to figure myself out, trying to get my needs met rather than people pleasing.
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But now she s back in touch wanting to be friends again, and I m hearing from other people how upset she is that we re not friends anymore.
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I m getting pressure to make friends with her and my former roommate again, but I really don t have the headspace for it.
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I m kind of over my feelings for her, but I can t picture having a normal friendship with either of them.
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I m also not too impressed with the roommate.
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Everyone has told me how obvious it was that I was into this girl and he just kind of sneaked in there without ever talking to me about it.
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I m actually in a good place with my life and trying to get my new business off the ground, but am I being harsh by essentially cutting these people out of my life?
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Or am I finally breaking the nice guy habits and focusing on my own needs for once?
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The advice from my wolf pack is that I m way better off without these people dragging me down.
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But it would be good to get your expert opinion.
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Be as harsh and as honest as you like, it s most welcome.
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Thanks, another recovering nice guy.
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Thanks.
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Nice guy.
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Appreciate it.
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Look, your friends are right.
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And I m not going to be harsh on you.
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Actually, this is a really insightful email.
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You obviously got a good handle on the problem and you understand where you re going with it.
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And so let me, let me push you gently off the fence here.
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Your friends are right.
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You re only worried about this because one, you were friends with her, but you had covert contracts.
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In other words, you expected something from her.
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It didn t come because she didn t know that you were expecting that and your roommate kind
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of knew that you were expecting that and didn t care enough about yourself slash didn t have enough self-esteem to do things right.
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Two, now that those expectations and covert contracts are gone, you re not interested in her, which means you don t really want to be friends.
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That was sort of a crappy consolation prize to you not being able to be her boyfriend.
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At least that s what it looks like from the letter.
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Three, your roommate was sneaky and shady, which means he didn t value your friendship.
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He has his own issues around scarcity and willfully torpedoed your relationship for his own gain.
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Not somebody you want in your life, especially in your frigging house.
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Four, you don t owe either of them anything.
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Build your own life.
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Put your needs first in a healthy way.
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And if in a few years you circle back around with these people, you ll likely see them for who they are.
1
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And number five, once you come to bootcamp, you ll be cutting your learning curve on this big time.
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So don t worry.
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We ve got you covered by the way.
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It s not in the letter, but he s coming to bootcamp soon.
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He s already registered.
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That s not a.
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That s not a sly, weaselly way in there, but we re going to cut your learning curve on this big time.
1
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We re going to teach you how to read people better.
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We got you covered on this.
1
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Don t worry about it.
1
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Looking forward to seeing you here and congratulations on dropping some dead weight.
1
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Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
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Hey Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
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All right, question five.
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Dear AOC team, I m a listener of two years and I m thankful to you for the show.
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Your episode with Neil Pazricha led me to read his book, The Happiness Equation, as well as have a brief Twitter interaction with him and Jordan.
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It was awesome.
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Thanks for being a man of the people and keep up the great work.
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So here s my scenario.
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I m out meeting a girl for the first time.
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We have a few drinks and are having great conversations about our interests and hobbies.
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Before any of this takes place, I always go in with the mindset of a gentleman to pay for our tab.
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I see it as a gesture of not only being considerate, but I see it as me showing appreciation for the time we spent together.
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Call me old-fashioned.
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Recently, I feel as if this harps on my chances of a second date if I refuse to let the girl pay part of the tab.
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The girl will offer to pay, but I politely insist on buying as a show of courtesy.
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I m not opposed to the gesture, but I ve been in situations where I felt like I was being tested for my intentions when I agreed to pay half and that would be the last time I see her.
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So with that said, does paying for the full tab on our first date or meetup make me come off as too strong?
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Or am I just overthinking things?
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What are some ways I can ensure I pay the tab without seeming negligent of her insisting to pitch in?
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Signed, Courteous and Confused.
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Look, in my opinion, you should pay.
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I mean, first of all, you want to, and you do this for a platonic friend.
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That s kind of the test, right?
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So would you buy this drink for somebody who you were just hanging out with that you weren t interested in?
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Would you buy it for a buddy?
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Would you buy it for a platonic friend?
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And if she s testing you, which it seems like this is happening sometimes to you, and some will, I think that s silly as hell, but whatever.
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Then you pass the test if you pay, right?
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And if not, it doesn t matter because you were going to pay anyway, so it doesn t really matter there.
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And if she s feeling bad because she doesn t want to see you again, so she feels compelled to pay for her drink, it doesn t matter because you were going to pay anyway.
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So one way that I think I would handle this and that I do handle this when it comes up is I say things like, I ll go to pay, and if they re like, no, I want to pay, I say, look, you get the next one.
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And what that does is it gives them an out, an easy one, it s hard for them to say no, and it presupposes the next date, if any, and it s socially acceptable.
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So if you say you get the next one and there is a next one, great, then you can let them pay for the next round.
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If there isn t a next one, then it doesn t matter.
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Like I said before, and like you said in your letter, you were going to pay anyway.
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So I think you ve got a win-win here by using that little way out.
1
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And I totally agree with it.
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If you re the one who invited the person out,
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You pay.
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That s what you do with normal friends, and that s a great way to handle it.
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I don t think there s anything wrong with it, especially if it s nothing extravagant.
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If it s just a drink or something, who cares?
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Write it off.
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I think there s a lot of overthinking that happens with this stuff now, so we try to keep the rules real simple here at AOC.
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All right, last but not least.
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Hey Jordan and Kim, I just listened to Fan Mail Friday and I m so excited that you took the time to answer my question.
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I really appreciate all that you do and how passionate you are about your show.
1
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I know you get hundreds of emails so it was humbling to hear mine on your show.
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More importantly, I am sure you wonder if your listeners actually take your advice.
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Since it s been a month since I wrote you, I had to go with my gut on this one in case you didn t answer.
1
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I ended up not going to my friend s party and instead made that weekend with things that I wanted to do instead of getting drunk at a bar.
1
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Since then, I ve distanced myself from that group and her to surround myself with people that don t drink in excess.
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I realize I really hate being around really drunk people.
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I also confronted my friend and told her that I want to stay friends but in order to do that, the friendship needs to change.
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I said, you can t text me drunk and I don t want to hang out if she s been drinking heavily.
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In fact, we ve only hung out once in the last month to cook dinner together.
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Hearing your advice today made me realize that I m going in the right direction, but I need to take it one step further and move on from this friendship.
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The thing I keep thinking about is Kim s question, what are you getting from this friendship?
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For me, it s a friends of proximity situation, aka she lives just 3 minutes away.
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I m almost 30, so as I m sure you know, your friends move, get married, have kids.
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This makes hanging out without making plans in advance impossible so it gets lonely.
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Therefore, instead of sitting and continuing the same cycle, I ve decided to find friends in other situations.
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I joined an intramural softball team, and I m heavily thinking of coming to one of Kim s classes.
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Anyways, I just thought I would thank you so much.
1
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It s hard for me to articulate how much your advice and show mean to me, but it really does.
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Signed, Pushover, Finally Setting Boundaries.
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This is so awesome and requires very little response, but I really appreciate you letting me know that this worked out well for you because you guys know I get a lot of mail here.
1
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Not all of it s good.
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Some of it is not nice.
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So I love hearing stuff like this, especially when people put stuff into action and it works.
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Just remember pushover, well, pushover finally setting boundaries.
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You re always getting something from the other person, always.
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even if it s just convenience, which it sounds like is a part of the equation here.
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So remember that.
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The next time you want to point fingers at someone else s behavior, and that goes for everybody, not just the writer here, any time you want to point fingers at someone else s behavior, you are always getting something from the other person and from the relationship.
1
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Hope you all enjoyed that.
1
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Don t forget you can email us Friday at theartofcharm.com to get your questions answered on the air.
1
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A link to this blog post can be found at theartofcharm.com slash fmf71.
1
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And don t forget about the Art of Charm Challenge.
1
SPEAKER_03
Text CHARMED, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444 here in the USA, or if you re anywhere else, go to theartofcharm.com.
1
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It s for both guys and gals, so check that out.
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Text CHARMED, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D, to 33444 in the States, or go to theartofcharm.com.
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Shout-out today goes to Victor Mizrahi, my best friend s dad and a hardcore AOC fan.
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Thanks for the note you sent me a while back.
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I didn t tell you then, but it means a lot to me that you really dig what we re putting out here at AOC.
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Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up and I ll shout you out.
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More from AOC at TheArtOfCharm.com.
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Now stay charming, get out there and connect, and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to The Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at The Art of Charm podcast.
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dot-com