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This is the art of charm.
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Learn everything you need to know to crush it in business, love, and life.
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Today we re talking again with Kimberly Seltzer.
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She s our female AOC coach that coaches females as well.
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We re gonna talk about body image and the definition of confidence, early childhood and societal messages that impact our body image, by the way, for men and women.
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So if you re a guy, don t automatically tune out on this one.
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I think there s a lot
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for both sexes to learn, even if we re gearing this a little bit towards the ladies this time around.
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We re also gonna talk about childhood, family dynamics, societal messages for women in social media, how to love our body more.
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Before you roll your eyes, I ask immediately, but what if we don t?
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And we re gonna solve that problem or attempt to as well.
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Understanding our body types, which clothes flatter our figure, and some exercises that will help us not only shed old thought processes,
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but help replace them with newer, healthier ones.
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So enjoy this one with Kimberly Seltzer.
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And with that, welcome back to The Art of Charm.
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I m Jordan Harbinger.
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The Art of Charm brings together the best thought leaders, teachers, and exceptional individuals to teach you how to be a top performer in life, love, and at work.
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Imagine having a mix of experienced mentors teaching you their expertise, packing decades of research, testing, and tough lessons into a curriculum.
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We may not have all the answers, but we definitely have all the questions.
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Stay up to date with AOC by signing up at theartofcharm.com or text charmed to 33444.
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We ll send you some of our
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Fundamentals Toolkit, topics like body language, nonverbal communication, persuasion, business networking, public speaking, negotiation, and a whole lot more.
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I also do regular videos with drills and exercises to help you move forward every single week.
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Got our live programs running here in L.A., so if you re interested in coming out for one of those, give us a holler.
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Phone numbers on the website, or just email me, jordanattheartofcharm.com.
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I also want to encourage you to join us in our social capital challenge, theartofcharm.com slash challenge, or again, text charmed to 33444.
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It s about improving your networking and connection skills, and inspiring those around you to develop a relationship with you, both personal and professional.
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It will make you a better networker, it will make you a better connector, and if you want to have some accountability, you can invite your friends as well.
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That s theartofcharm.com slash challenge, or text charmed to 33444, and they can join the challenge too.
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Alright, here s Kim Seltzer.
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One of the things that we get a lot on the show from our male and female listeners alike, but it seems to skew more towards females, is the whole body image issue, and I don t like to play PC, so when I talk to guys, I know a lot of guys that grew up, I am a guy, so let s not pretend that like,
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oh, there s a guy out there for every girl and every type, like that may statistically be true, but guys at some level are using the appearance to judge attractiveness, let s not beat around the bush.
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The problem with that is then,
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Women have this weird sense of body image, or like a dysmorphia, where even when they are completely within the realm of acceptable slash cute slash whatever, it can become not enough.
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Or somebody can be a little bit curvier, but then one or two outlier rejections or something skew them, so they re like, I am so fat, no one will ever love me, even if, again, they re totally within that realm.
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And I know women that are skinny,
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are not skinny, are attractive, are not that, and all of them have kind of the same shared weird issue of body image not being something that they re satisfied with.
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And there s this whole counter-movement where they re like, you gotta accept me as I am, which is kind of equally not healthy, because it s like, well, okay, that might work sometimes, but it s kind of like those guys who wear jerseys, and they re like, she gotta love me for who I am, and it s like, you look like crap.
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Unlikely, you know?
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Well, and the thing is, is I find that this is true too with both genders.
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Look, at the end of the day, there s different body shapes, there s different sizes, people are different heights, different ethnicity, but the end of the day, and this is what I find to be true, you can correct me if I m wrong, but when I coach men and women, they all say this.
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When people love themselves, that is what is attractive.
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Right.
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So no matter what shape or form they are at.
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I remember I was coaching this guy and I was trying to figure out like what he found sexy.
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So this woman walks by and she s like the stick figure blonde.
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She s really pretty.
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There s no doubt.
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But I wanted to see if he thought she was sexy.
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I said, so you think she s sexy?
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And he s like, well, she s pretty, but not really.
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Hmm.
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Interesting.
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So 30 seconds later, this woman walks by, heavier set, shorter.
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But boy, was she working it like you could tell she was loving herself.
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Right.
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And she walks on by and she takes a look in his eyes, just like gives a smile and then just keeps walking.
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And I said, so you think she s sexy?
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He s like, oh, yeah.
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You know, so what was it?
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But here s the problem with this.
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Here s a variable that skews everything.
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We know that accessible women become rated as more attractive.
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So how do we know that s not what s at play here?
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Because it could ve just been that the one who seemed to like him seemed sexier because she was more attainable.
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It s true, but there s so many variables.
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Like that could be one factor, but the other fact is that she could have just confidence with who she is and she s not getting caught up.
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Like the first one, she definitely was stiff.
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She looked kind of like not secure with herself.
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Yeah.
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Unhappy.
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Right.
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Even with her body language.
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I think with a lot of people, especially when women have to sort of rely on getting approached by guys, which is like the worst position to be in, you re sort of passively hoping that somebody that you re interested in will actually make the first move.
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And again, super generalizing here, but a lot of women will think, oh, guys aren t approaching me, why?
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And it s only up to your imagination to fill in the blanks.
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So the only thing you can assume, since you haven t spoken with anybody, is that somehow you re physically unattractive.
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And of course, the first thing they re gonna go to is,
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most likely the body.
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It becomes tough because on the other hand, they don t want to just be desired for the way that they look either.
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Right, but here s the thing, and this is what I teach women, is to not be so passive and just kind of hoping that a guy is going to approach them.
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We did a whole show on this.
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Yeah, we did.
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How to make it look like it s our idea as a man.
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Well, okay, you can put it like that or...
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You can look at it as, look, this is how women drop the hanky, so to speak, to get a signal.
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Most guys are looking for that signal, and a lot of women are really closed off.
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But here s the deal on the body language and the body itself is knowing how to dress, knowing what body type you are, what guys find sexy.
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A lot of women don t even pay attention to that.
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Cue emails from people who are like, how dare you recommend that we dress to be attractive to the opposite sex.
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Have you not heard that before?
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No!
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Really?
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You haven t seen that there s a whole movement of people out there that resent the idea that they would need to dress a certain way to attract somebody else?
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Well, no, that I do hear.
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But at the end of the day, look, again, I don t want to change for a man.
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If man doesn t like me, then F him.
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Like, I mean, I hear that all the time.
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And I always tell these women, look, it s not about changing who you are.
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It s about changing the packaging.
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It s marketing yourself.
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So a guy gets to know who you are.
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Right.
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We re talking about marketing yourself.
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OK, I can dig that.
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All right.
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So it s not changing the essence of you.
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And in fact, it s really important for me to understand who a woman is and their lifestyle and like even what kind of style they like so that I can help them get clothes and teach them about the brands so that they know what to put on their body to achieve that.
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Right.
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Half the battle is just knowing that stuff.
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And a lot of women walk into the department store, they get overwhelmed, they pick the wrong things, they say, oh, I have a horrible body and they leave.
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All right, let s back up the truck a little bit because where does the body image stuff start?
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For me, I m only dealing with adults here at The Art of Charm, right?
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Adult guys and girls, and so where does this stuff begin?
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Especially for the parents out there, it might help to know kind of where these patterns install themselves so we can either look in ourselves and figure out where they might come from because I feel like identifying the source of something, it helps us make it a little bit less like this is reality and more, oh, I see that was colored at some point by this experience.
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Does that make sense?
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Oh, my God, totally.
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And this is why being a therapist, it s really helpful when I work with people on this stuff, because our past is connected to the future and the choices we make, the patterns that get created, even with the choice of our clothes, our experience around shopping and our body image and confidence.
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So it really does start early on.
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And actually, research shows that it usually starts before the age seven.
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messages we got from our family of origin, friends, and women in particular.
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It s even harder because we get reinforced and socialized to look good.
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Like this is kind of almost the mantra to our confidence is like, if you look good, then you re going to be OK.
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And if you don t and you feel like crap and you look like crap, then you re going to be crappy.
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And it s really hard on women.
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And there s a lot of components.
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It s not just the childhood.
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And nowadays,
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We have social media to deal with messages.
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Oh my God.
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I have had a slew of clients that I literally had to put them on a social media fast because they were comparing themselves to their friends, to other people that I had to have them get off of that.
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so they can just focus on themselves.
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Because with all that input coming in, we can t really focus on changing what s happening inside, right?
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Because it s like trying to dry off and polish your car when it s raining outside.
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Right, exactly.
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It s like, what s going on here?
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And it s just constant.
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So as soon as that turns off, then you can repaint, for example.
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Yeah, that makes sense to me.
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Going on a social media fast could be a really good tip, actually, especially if you find yourself constantly looking through feeds and going, why aren t I doing that?
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Why aren t I looking like that?
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That advice is great for both body image and for entrepreneurs running a business.
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Every time you go on Facebook, oh, just got back from my mastermind in Tahiti where I ran a group of 26 people doing this and that, and it s really easy to be like, why aren t I running masterminds in Tahiti?
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Yeah, and let s face it.
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There s Photoshop.
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There s like great apps out there that make you look amazing.
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And nobody s really posting bad things.
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Mastermind in Tahiti was fun.
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Too bad I m $13,000 in the hole.
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In debt.
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Yeah, exactly.
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And nobody posts like a body part that they hate.
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You know, like fat hanging out.
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Oh, look at my beautiful body.
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You know what I m saying?
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Here s that part of my arm that it will never be firm again.
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That s really fat.
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So yeah, we get this like skewed image of first of all, what is supposed to be beautiful and perfect.
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And then we look at ourselves and we feel really bad about ourselves.
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So yeah, social media fast for everyone.
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There s this one woman actually who came from the other term.
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Very nice.
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That was one of the exercises I did with her because every time I was doing all these strength exercises, which I m going to share on the show today, and we re really working on herself.
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And then she would go on social media and it would like literally wipe out any work.
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Yeah.
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Starting from scratch every single.
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Yeah.
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I said, you know what?
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Instead, I want you to take a bunch of selfies and make a Pinterest board and do a secret board and only look at you and only the stuff that you love about you.
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And I really had to help her focus on herself until she started seeing herself in a different light without all the noise out there.
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And it really helped her.
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And then you have to build that base and be strong enough then to weather the storm of looking at other people s stuff.
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Exactly.
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And slowly we, you know, got back at it where she was in a healthier state.
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But look, a lot of times we look for that when we re unhappy in ourselves and we re empty and unhappy.
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We look for outside validation.
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We look at others and then we criticize others.
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We re really we re criticizing ourselves.
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And this is where the confidence is.
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Right.
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Like we re talking about body image and confidence.
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Actually, my definition is different than maybe others.
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I believe that confidence is experience.
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And when somebody isn t experienced in something, that s when we re not feeling confident.
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Like we re confident in our jobs because we know it.
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When we first started, we weren t so confident.
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So those of you who are not confident with your body image,
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Yeah, I invite all of you to think about what messages you got growing up, like what Jordan was saying.
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What are you facing on a daily basis?
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What do you do for a living?
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What is your experience around shopping?
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And so if you really get a baseline on where things are coming from, then it will help you in the future.
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This makes sense, childhood and family dynamics, not much we can do about that right now as adults, other than if we see it happening in somebody else s family or in our own family to maybe try to mitigate, but let s not go down that road just yet.
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And then the societal messages from women from television, media, social media, especially being particularly bad, because when you look at media, let me just give a male-oriented example.
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It s easy for Guy to go,
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Oh man, George Clooney, he s got a lot of cool toys, and Richard Branson s got a lot of cool stuff.
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It s different when it s the guy you grew up with who had the exact same upstart as you, and you re like, crap.
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You can t go, oh well, that s George Clooney, he s a movie star.
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You go, yep, that s Tom, we grew up next door, looks like he s doing much better than I am.
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It s not good for you.
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Maybe that s good for George Clooney or Tom or whatever is doing it.
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But then you have to look at your life and focus on the things that are going well instead.
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Like maybe your success is different than theirs.
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Well, right.
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Well, we ve said before with respect to this is that we re always comparing our blooper reel with other people s highlight reel.
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Oh, I love that.
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Yeah.
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Because you re taking your lowest point and you re looking at that and you re going, oh, look at this.
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And of course, by
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the design of the filter their highest point.
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Their social media, look at my new car.
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Meanwhile, you just got back from working in your yard and your lawnmower shat the bed.
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So you re like, I can t even get a working lawnmower in time.
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I ve got a Ferrari, damn it.
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I hate that guy and I hate my life.
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Yeah, it s really easy to do.
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So we need to work on a formula towards a confident body image, turning off
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negative influences, at least temporarily, because it s kind of weird slash impossible to be off Facebook, off of the internet, no television, that would be really difficult and kind of weird to permanently do, but what is the formula, especially for the ladies out there, to start to craft a confident body image where there may not be one so far, or that is faltering?
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Yeah, you know, I have a lot of things that I do that I work with women.
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The very first thing is I have them fill out an image assessment.
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So I see kind of what their image goals are, understanding too what s difficult for them and finding out where they re not confident and getting a good family history on maybe some of the messages they got growing up.
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And before we even go into the store, I like to also get a feel for what they like about their body.
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Here s the other thing about women that we ve been socialized not to really be like loving our body parts, you know, to stand up and say, hey, I love my butt.
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And I ll even do that in seminars.
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I ll have the women stand up and say, what part of your body do you really love?
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And a lot of women have.
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tremendous trouble doing that.
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Or they ll say, you know, people tell me that I have a really good chest.
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I m like, no, I don t want to hear what other people think.
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I want you.
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Also, who s telling you that?
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That s creepy.
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Yeah, exactly.
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Right.
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So, you know, really having women look in the mirror, I said, I want to know what parts you love, not the parts that you don t.
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Because women usually go to what they don t like.
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And then from there, it s teaching them about some clothes that s going to flatter their body type.
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And so that s the second part.
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of the formula is teaching them what their body type is.
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So you have to, what, make a list of body parts of your own that you like?
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Sometimes.
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How important is it to tell other people?
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It depends, like if I get my hands on them and they re actually meeting me and shopping or if I do, I do virtual makeovers too, so sometimes I ll have them just fill it out and write that out.
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But yeah, there s something really powerful about writing it out, saying it out loud.
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and really owning it.
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Because that s gonna help me also determine what kind of clothes to wear.
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Because the overall goal is that you want to showcase the body parts that you really feel good about and de-emphasize the ones you don t.
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And that s gonna help with your confidence.
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Nice, okay.
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So write it out, list it out.
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You mentioned body type a minute ago.
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What is it about body type?
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First of all, what does that even mean?
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Yeah, the body type, and I really, I want everyone to hear that this is not about weight distribution, this is about bone structure.
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Okay, because that s immediately, obviously, what I was thinking you meant.
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Right, and when I go up, and I do a lot of speaking, and I ll go up with like a tape measure.
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Sounds like the most humiliating thing in the world.
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So it s your bone structure and basically what you re doing is you re measuring your shoulders, your waist, and your hips.
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Once you do that, it ll determine what body type you are.
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There are five.
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always trying to achieve, which is a balanced silhouette, it means that your shoulders and your hips are evenly distributed and your waist goes in one or two inches, that s an hourglass figure.
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Now most women are not true hourglass figures, so you need to learn how to kind of achieve that symmetry.
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So then we have that.
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We have inverted triangle, so your shoulders are wider than your hips.
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We have triangle, your shoulders are smaller than your hips.
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Rectangle, your shoulders, your hips and your waist are all the same or boyish cut sometimes people call it.
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And the last one is diamond and I coined the term diamond because especially as women we get older, go through menopause.
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This is the only one that has to do with weight.
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We get a little soft in the middle.
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And so that is the only kind of body type that can be combined with the others.
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But here s the cool thing is if you go to my website, seltzerstyle.com, you can actually get a free body type booklet that ll help you do the measurements.
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And then it tells you what clothes flatter your figure and what clothes to stay away from.
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And so once you know, shopping becomes so much easier and it s actually kind of fun.
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Because it ll actually look good.
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You already know it s going to look good.
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SPEAKER_00
Exactly.
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Exactly.
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So that really helps too.
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And it s funny because women, a lot of times they don t know what their body type are.
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And when I say, did you know you re a true hourglass?
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You should see the looks on people s faces.
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I m an hourglass?
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Like, they feel like they re a princess.
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It s better to label it something like that than it is to go, what you re thinking in your head, which is, well, my butt s a little fat, and I have fat calves, but also my shoulders are really broad, so I can t wear that, that, that, or that.
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SPEAKER_01
Hourglass sounds nicer.
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hourglass is nicer and it s true and because that woman was probably focused on well I don t have big enough breasts and instead when I tell her you re perfectly symmetrical we just need to get clothes that really showcase that and we can enhance your boobs no problem there s great bras for that.
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So, yeah, that really does help with women s confidence, believe it or not, once they know what they love about their body and what their body type is and what clothes flatter them.
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And we can link to that body type cheat sheet or whatever in the show notes that you ve got.
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The ladies.
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The guys might be like, not feeling so hourglassy.
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SPEAKER_00
Well, guys only have three body types.
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SPEAKER_01
Which are?
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SPEAKER_00
Well, it s really kind of like, and they don t have fancy terms, because guys don t have fancy terms.
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Skinny, bulky, middle.
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SPEAKER_00
You got it.
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SPEAKER_00
You got it.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah, end of story.
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Guys are simple, and I love shopping with guys.
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Guys are the best, because you guys are about being efficient and effective.
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SPEAKER_00
We want to get the hell out.
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You want to get the hell out.
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SPEAKER_00
You re like hunters, right?
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So, you go into the store, you re like, just tell me what looks good, I will get five of them,
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SPEAKER_01
Right, guys are like, I m gonna rappel down from the third floor into the men s section to avoid walking through any other part of this mall.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
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Go straight to where you are in the, you know, Dockers area, grab three pair that actually fit, grab some socks to go with it, and run out the front door.
2
SPEAKER_00
But here s the cool thing.
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I gotta plug guys for a second.
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I love shopping with them because guys just want to please, right?
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If they know that a woman likes the way that things look on his body, he s like, cool, I m game.
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SPEAKER_01
I m down.
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SPEAKER_01
And you don t get paid by the hour, so it doesn t matter how long it takes you.
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SPEAKER_00
Right, I just have packages.
2
SPEAKER_00
So yeah, no, it s great.
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SPEAKER_00
And the other thing is, is that guys too, you should see how confident guys are when they walk out of the store, when they have something new and women are noticing them.
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SPEAKER_01
I feel like that too.
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SPEAKER_01
I get new clothes and I m like, I gotta wear this.
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SPEAKER_01
Even if it s like a black v-neck t-shirt.
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Yeah.
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I m like, I m gonna wear this tonight.
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And Jenna s like, okay, who cares?
2
SPEAKER_00
I think that the biggest problem guys have is that their clothes are always two or three sizes too big.
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SPEAKER_01
Yes, I feel like we ve maybe mentioned this years ago, the clothes often wear the guys and I see this all the time even in professional men where the suit doesn t quite fit right, a $40 tailoring job would have done wonders for the suit or guys lose weight or worse they gain it and they don t change clothing.
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SPEAKER_00
Oh my god.
2
SPEAKER_01
Hey, you need to tuck that shirt in and also I can see skin coming out from underneath this button down so you need to not, right?
2
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, and you know, that s a problem, actually, both for men and women.
2
SPEAKER_00
When they lose weight, they don t see their new bodies.
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And so they carry themselves and they look at themselves in the mirror as the one that was larger.
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And so they literally don t see themselves.
2
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And there s a lot of studies on that, actually.
2
SPEAKER_01
I totally get that.
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I own belts.
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I got belts a long time ago because I was losing weight and stuff like that, and I wasn t gonna buy new pants.
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But I had a problem.
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At one point, my ex-girlfriend was like,
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you keep pulling your pants up, it s ridiculous.
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And I m like, well, they re falling down.
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And she s like, you lost 10 or 15 pounds over the last six months, you need to get new pants.
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And I was like, I like these pants.
2
SPEAKER_01
So I bought a belt instead.
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SPEAKER_01
Now I wear belts with everything.
2
SPEAKER_01
But there are certain pairs of pants that I still have, because I am a guy that won t change anytime soon.
2
SPEAKER_01
And I m just like, I m not getting rid of these pants.
2
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But I have to have a belt on notch four to keep it in.
2
SPEAKER_01
Because you re right, you don t see the new body.
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SPEAKER_01
And there s a part of me that s like, well,
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SPEAKER_01
might go back to the other way, not getting any younger, you know, that type of thing.
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SPEAKER_00
Right, in fear of going back.
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SPEAKER_00
Well, the other thing, too, is I find guys, even more so than women, you guys more are into comfort, and you don t want to look too metro.
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That s what I hear all the time from guys, like, I don t want to look metro, I don t want to look, you know.
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SPEAKER_01
I haven t heard that in a long time.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh my god, I ve heard that so many times, and it s like,
2
SPEAKER_01
metrosexual being like a guy who wears pastels and things like that?
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah, or it s like they don t want to look too trendy because it won t look masculine, you know, and they have in their minds, you know, what that is all about.
2
SPEAKER_00
But so really it s teaching guys about their style, their body type too, and what women like and what s the updated version of like the 1990s acid wash jeans with
2
SPEAKER_00
Do you remember those?
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SPEAKER_01
I saw somebody wearing acid-wash jeans this weekend.
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SPEAKER_00
Really?
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SPEAKER_01
But she also had black lipstick, so it was kind of like, I m ironically wearing these acid-wash jeans.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh my god.
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SPEAKER_00
What were we thinking?
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SPEAKER_01
I don t know who we is.
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SPEAKER_01
I never had acid washed jeans.
2
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I did.
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SPEAKER_00
I admit it.
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And here I am an image consultant.
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I admit it.
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And I had the feathered hair.
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SPEAKER_00
But anyway.
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What about the pressure to buy things that are trendy?
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SPEAKER_01
Especially for women, I feel like there s a lot of pressure.
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I won t even give an example because it s going to be crummy.
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SPEAKER_01
It s going to be like handbag related, which has nothing to do with body type.
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SPEAKER_01
But I feel like there s a lot of pressure, especially for younger women.
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SPEAKER_01
They want what their friends have.
2
SPEAKER_00
Well, right.
2
SPEAKER_00
Well, here s the thing.
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There s a difference between fashion and style.
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So I just want to highlight that.
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Fashion is what you re talking about, Jordan, and that is the trendy stuff, the things that come and go.
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And then we have style and finding a personal style.
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That s something that s everlasting.
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That says a story about you and who you are.
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SPEAKER_00
And so that s the first thing is know the distinction.
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SPEAKER_00
Now, when you want to keep up with things that are trendy and you like the way things look in magazines and on the mannequins.
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SPEAKER_00
It goes back to your body type and how much money in your budget and all of that, because if you love the style of these high neck dresses, but you have like a double D breasts, it s not going to work for your body type.
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SPEAKER_00
So you can look on in the mannequin all you want and say, that s great, but it s not going to flatter you.
2
SPEAKER_00
So, again, once you know who you are with your body type, that s half the battle.
2
SPEAKER_00
And the thing is, you don t have to break the bank to buy the trendy stuff.
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SPEAKER_00
I recommend, if you know that it s something that s going to be out of style, then I wouldn t spend a lot of money on it.
2
SPEAKER_01
Right, like the 80s vinyl.
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SPEAKER_00
Vinyl with the shoulder pads remember that super high 80s shoulder pads like Michael Jackson I think war and thriller is that what you re talking?
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SPEAKER_01
Yeah, like that fabric right me if I google 80s share.
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SPEAKER_01
I feel like we re gonna get something Along yeah, I totally remember the vinyl
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SPEAKER_00
Everything old is new again, but then when it becomes new... Some things are not, though.
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SPEAKER_01
Like 80 s Cher, no one is like, oh, I m going to do one of these.
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SPEAKER_00
I mean, look at this.
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Look at that picture.
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SPEAKER_00
Well, you see that in Vegas, I guess.
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SPEAKER_01
Google 80 s Cher.
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SPEAKER_01
I mean, just pick any of the pictures, actually.
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SPEAKER_00
Back then, was she even in style?
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SPEAKER_00
Like, I don t know.
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SPEAKER_00
She always had her own thing.
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Like, that s a perfect example of someone who had her own personal style that she never really went with.
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SPEAKER_01
That could be very true.
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I can see that.
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I mean, she s a rock star.
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Before the show, we were talking about clothing that enhances your confidence versus clothing that depletes it.
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That might be self-explanatory, but I wanna know how to test for this when we re buying something new before we leave the store, because I think every human who s gone shopping for something to try to look better has done this.
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You buy something in the store, and you re like, I feel like it s good, my friend said it was good, the sales lady said it was good, or whoever, and then you get it home, and you re like,
2
SPEAKER_01
Why the hell did I buy this?
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I m angry that I bought this, and I just feel bad looking at it.
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Sometimes you can return it, but sometimes you bought it while you were far away from home, or it s got a weird return policy, or it s a boutique, and it s gonna be a pain.
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SPEAKER_01
How do you test for this?
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SPEAKER_01
I feel like it does psychological damage to buy something, be excited about it, then put it on and hate it.
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SPEAKER_01
There s like a scar there.
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Psychological.
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Do you want to talk about that?
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SPEAKER_00
I don t.
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SPEAKER_01
I want you to talk about it.
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SPEAKER_01
I m burying this problem.
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SPEAKER_00
Yeah, burying.
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SPEAKER_00
We can put band-aids on it, but there s actually really
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thing that I teach clients to do around this.
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So the first thing before you even go shopping, take a look in your closet.
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Everybody has a go-to outfit.
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Like if you have a date or a social event or an interview, I m sure that you have something in your closet that s like, oh yeah, I m grabbing that.
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Look at that outfit, put it on and determine what is it that you like about that.
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Is it the cut?
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Is it the color?
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Have you been reinforced in it?
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Like people tell you, Oh my God, you look really good in that and figure out what it is about that kind of outfit and clothes and get more of it.
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SPEAKER_00
Because it s usually the cut, the color, the way it s sitting on you.
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SPEAKER_00
It could also be the fabric and the way that it feels.
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You like the way you feel in it.
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SPEAKER_00
That s the other thing.
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SPEAKER_00
Some people are visual.
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SPEAKER_00
Some people are tactile.
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SPEAKER_00
You know, like the way that even we get attracted to clothes.
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SPEAKER_00
So then when you go to the store, when you buy something, make sure you really are understanding why you re buying something.
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SPEAKER_00
Are you buying something because it s on sale?
3
SPEAKER_00
Are you buying something because, yeah, the personal shopper said, oh, yeah, you should buy this.
3
SPEAKER_00
And by the way, it s the worst because there s so many they just want to make a commission.
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SPEAKER_00
I ve been in the stores and will tell people that they look really good in something and they look like crap.
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SPEAKER_00
It s the worst.
3
SPEAKER_00
So if you really know yourself and your body and your colors, you will feel confident.
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SPEAKER_00
The other thing is there s clothes that deplete your confidence, such as even on a date, if you have like a run in your nylon,
3
SPEAKER_00
or tears in your sweater, and you re like fidgeting with it.
3
SPEAKER_00
Again, it s like almost practical stuff, but it s good things to keep in mind, and that ll help you.
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SPEAKER_01
So going into everyone s story, and looking at kind of how the story has built some of these insecurities in the first place, you ve got a cool kind of eight-track metaphor, which is funny, because it s a metaphor based on something that a lot of people listening to have never even seen.
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I know I thought of that when I was thinking, so the people who are really young out there, anyone actually younger than me, so 8-tracks were this thing of the past.
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SPEAKER_01
I m Google image searching 8-track tape because I don t even know what this looks like.
3
SPEAKER_00
I kind of forgot what they look like, but yeah, we thought they were the hottest thing in terms of like how we play music.
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SPEAKER_00
The thing is, is that they don t exist any longer.
3
SPEAKER_00
You can t even get an 8-track player to play the 8-track.
3
SPEAKER_01
Great metaphor then.
3
SPEAKER_00
Right?
3
SPEAKER_00
So our past, I feel like, is our 8-track.
3
SPEAKER_00
And we continually try to play our 8-track tape, yet it s no longer valid.
3
SPEAKER_00
It doesn t work.
3
SPEAKER_00
So I love helping people kind of change their story and their 8-track tape, so to speak, so that they create kind of the new story about themselves.
3
SPEAKER_01
This looks like Atari video game cartridges.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh, my God.
3
SPEAKER_00
Atari.
3
SPEAKER_00
That s hilarious.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it s all the same era.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, you re right.
3
SPEAKER_01
They probably made the cartridges look like 8-tracks.
3
SPEAKER_00
Exactly.
3
SPEAKER_00
Exactly.
3
SPEAKER_00
I know.
3
SPEAKER_00
It s iconic.
3
SPEAKER_00
So, you know, helping clients kind of rewrite their story and creating a new sense of themselves.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I know that s kind of like
3
SPEAKER_00
In theory, that sounds great, but how do I do that, right?
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, because everybody s like, oh, I want to reprogram myself so that I don t smoke anymore and I look taller or whatever.
3
SPEAKER_01
I don t know.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s tough.
3
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
3
SPEAKER_00
Like you, at The Art of Charm, I m all about action.
3
SPEAKER_00
What I tell people to do is
3
SPEAKER_00
I do this kind of exercise with people.
3
SPEAKER_00
One of the things is that I have them kind of remember some of the old messages that they got growing up and I have them jot it down.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so this relates to the body confidence and the image.
3
SPEAKER_00
So, you know, a lot of women had been told they re not good enough or why are you wearing that?
3
SPEAKER_00
Or you should look like Susie or anything that was.
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SPEAKER_00
kind of negative back then that really sticks with you, believe it or not, even as an adult.
3
SPEAKER_00
And write down all the old messages that you got growing up.
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SPEAKER_00
And then on the other column, kind of rewriting them.
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SPEAKER_00
So what you think and what you want for yourself to be true.
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SPEAKER_00
So if you always heard you re not good enough, you debunk that myth and say, I am good enough because, and you pick out something that you like about yourself.
3
SPEAKER_00
So you re constantly going through these messages and telling yourself what is good about yourself.
3
SPEAKER_00
Then how do we reprogram it?
3
SPEAKER_00
I mean, that s through obviously coaching and work and doing the work.
3
SPEAKER_00
But overall, I think it s a good way to kind of get started with just fundamentally how you feel.
3
SPEAKER_00
I did this exercise actually with a woman and we actually got something that looked like an 8-track tape and we put all these messages on the 8-track tape and she smashed it.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then she made her new self and then put the new messages on it and whatever that version of herself looked like.
3
SPEAKER_01
But what makes it stick after the cool hammer ceremony?
3
SPEAKER_01
I mean, it s so easy to be like, I m good enough, I m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.
3
SPEAKER_00
People like me.
3
SPEAKER_01
You know, you go to the store and you try on some clothes and you look like crap.
3
SPEAKER_00
Is that a Stuart Smalley?
3
SPEAKER_00
It was.
3
SPEAKER_00
Oh my god, like we re so Cher.
3
SPEAKER_00
Retro lately.
3
SPEAKER_00
We have the 8-track tapes.
3
SPEAKER_01
What can I say?
3
SPEAKER_00
It s because I m old.
3
SPEAKER_01
You make me older.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, you see, I knew you were going to go there.
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, so how do you make it stick?
3
SPEAKER_01
So especially when in the face of what you might view as evidence to the contrary, where it s you go and you try on your clothes and you re like, oh, this doesn t fit because I m fat and no one will love me.
3
SPEAKER_01
Right.
3
SPEAKER_01
That s what happens.
3
SPEAKER_00
Okay, so I ll give you an example.
3
SPEAKER_00
So let s say a woman says, I m not feminine enough, guys don t like me because I m not feminine, or you know, whatever it is.
3
SPEAKER_00
And actually, she was kind of told that or she was a tomboy growing up.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so going shopping and actually having her wear something that she would never wear, such as heels or a dress, and then just wear it almost as a costume and see how
3
SPEAKER_00
She feels in it and then see how guys are reacting to her.
3
SPEAKER_00
And those of you who know my story, that s kind of what happened to me.
3
SPEAKER_00
Not that I was a tomboy, but I was in my mommy clothes and I slowly had to transform into like dating version of myself.
3
SPEAKER_00
I had no idea like what I even looked like because I just saw myself as a mom, frumpy mom.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so then when I started wearing dresses, incorporating color, and actually being okay with being seen, I realized that my confidence started growing.
3
SPEAKER_00
And I truly have seen that.
3
SPEAKER_00
I ve seen women walk out of the, in a new wardrobe, a dress, out of the dressing room, and actually they walk different.
3
SPEAKER_00
They re smiling, their attitude.
3
SPEAKER_00
And so that carries through.
3
SPEAKER_00
So a little bit at a time, it s almost like a domino effect.
3
SPEAKER_00
And soon it will become you.
3
SPEAKER_01
Right, I see.
3
SPEAKER_01
So you re sort of, you re almost anchoring these new clothes to different levels of self-confidence, et cetera, et cetera.
3
SPEAKER_00
Exactly.
3
SPEAKER_01
And so you re building your personal style, you re building up your secret Pinterest vision board or whatever to boost yourself up, taking your selfies, daring yourself to be a little bit more out there.
3
SPEAKER_01
What else, is there anything else?
3
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, and then like overall, and this is a good exercise, I have this strength exercise that I use, and this is not just about your image, but just overall confidence.
3
SPEAKER_00
And that is, I have people write three things that they love about themselves in four different areas.
3
SPEAKER_00
The first is what they like about themselves physically.
3
SPEAKER_00
And again, it has to be true to what they see and when they look in the mirror, not what friends tell them.
3
SPEAKER_00
The second is what they love about their personality.
3
SPEAKER_00
Third is skills and talents.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then the fourth is what they offer in a relationship.
3
SPEAKER_00
And then after you do that exercise, usually there s a category that s harder than the other ones.
3
SPEAKER_00
So why is it hard for me to say or come up with three things that I love about my body or physical features?
3
SPEAKER_01
So what do we do when we find the harder
3
SPEAKER_00
So I actually said it early in the show about the physical things, you know, looking in the mirror and getting clothes that enhance that and really getting used to and liking the attention and getting used to it.
3
SPEAKER_00
Journaling is also great because I have people do daily journaling about their experiences, you know, doing something different.
3
SPEAKER_00
And usually it s a good chart for themselves because they see where they started and then over time as they re really working on the stuff and getting used to the new you of them, then they see kind of like a track record.
3
SPEAKER_00
They re like, oh my God, I can t believe I thought of myself back then, like three months ago.
3
SPEAKER_00
So that s a really cool thing to do.
3
SPEAKER_01
So this is cool, and we ll outline a lot of this in the show notes.
3
SPEAKER_01
It s funny, because a lot of this stuff is specifically for women, but I feel like some of it is very unisex.
3
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Guys could totally, obviously journal, daring ourselves to wear different things that are a little bit more outside our comfort zone, that make us actually feel good.
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Almost everything we ve mentioned is actually applicable here.
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It s just that I feel like the problem of body image affects more women generally than it does men, at least in the modern stereotype of that.
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I think that men aren t as hard on themselves.
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That s why like when I shop with a man, it takes two hours versus a woman because they don t get caught up in all that.
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And again, the messages we get from society and the reinforcement we get from others in terms of attraction, because let s face it, like women are a little more forgiving when a man maybe doesn t have like the perfect body.
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But I will say if a man is dressed well and he has a good personality, we ll forgive a lot of the physical stuff.
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Right?
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Yeah.
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It s true.
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Well, in my experience.
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Awesome.
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Thanks so much, Kim.
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This has been great.
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Thank you.
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As fun as always.
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Great show with Kim, as usual, really interested in these topics, both as they relate to men and women.
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And frankly, I just could not ignore the clamor, to be a little dramatic, from the AOC sisters,
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who just wanted information more geared towards them.
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I mean, we re clearly ignoring a segment of our audience here.
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And while I can only speak to my experience as a man, Kimberly brings great experience both as a female and as a therapist and as a coach.
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So I hope that was useful for everybody.
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I found it fascinating.
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And there s a few more of those where that came from.
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If you enjoyed that, don t forget to thank Kim on Twitter.
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We ll have that linked in the show notes, as well as other resources mentioned on the show.
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You can tap our album art in most mobile podcast players to see the show notes right on your phone.
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I m also on Twitter, at The Art of Charm.
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I ll admit, most of what I post is fun, funny, or an attempt at being one of those things, and I engage a lot with fans there, so enjoy that and hit me up on Twitter, at The Art of Charm.
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Please review and subscribe on iTunes.
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When you write us a review, it not only makes us feel proud of what we ve done here, but it helps keep us up in the ranks so that other people who can use this information can find the show more easily to get the credible advice they need.
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It s also the best way to support the show other than purchasing products and training from us.
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Special thanks to both the Jasons and to Fogarty for their help in production of the Art of Charm podcast.
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Go ahead, tell your friends, because the greatest compliment you can give us is a referral to someone else, either in person or shared on the web.
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Now have a great week and leave everything and everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to the Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.