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Hey y all, time for Fan Mail Friday.
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I m your host, Jordan Harbinger.
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I m here with producer Jason DeFilippo.
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We ll be answering your questions and dropping some knowledge and feedback to help you kick the weekend off, right?
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These episodes, Jason, Fan Mail Friday, at first when we started, people were like, eh, I don t know about that.
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Now they re more popular than some of our other episodes.
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Yeah, no, it s it s amazing the feedback we ve gotten from the fans and we just keep getting some great questions.
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So we re just going to keep on keeping on.
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Yeah, tell me about it.
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I get a few hundred every week, I try to filter out some of the most interesting ones that will have some sort of value for everyone else as well.
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But I reply to everybody.
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So I think I kind of I kind of dug my own
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email grave doing this, but I love doing it.
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I think this is one of the most rewarding things that we ve done for a while.
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I kind of wish that I d started this years ago, but you know, story of everybody s life.
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If you re new to the Art of Charm podcast, this isn t a great place to start.
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Most of our content is, it s a lot more in depth.
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It s interview based, it s longer format, so check out the best of at theartofcharm.com slash best or the fundamentals toolbox.
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at theartofcharm.com slash toolbox.
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Recently, we ve spoken with Sam Harris, Dr. Anders Ericsson, who sort of invented the field of deliberate practice, and it s a very big name in humor performance, and Rob Norman from Second City, talking about improv, both in your personal and business.
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In your business, how you can apply improv and things like that to your business and personal life.
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Interesting stuff, human psychology and performance.
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And don t forget, we have our second part with our Cal Newport interview, talking about deep work, and how to really focus and get stuff done.
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Yes, good stuff, great feedback on that stuff as well from the audience.
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So if you re new, check out some of those.
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Also, we ve got our Fundamentals of Body Language and Nonverbal Communication, Attraction, Negotiation, Networking, everything else we teach here at The Art of Charm.
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We ll send a lot of that to your inbox if you text CHARMED, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D, to 33444.
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All right, let s cut to it.
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Hi AOC.
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My question is, how do I prioritize what to change in my life?
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I ve been a listener since last June, mostly just finding the podcast interesting without rearranging my life every week.
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Lately, some ideas have finally come to a crescendo in terms of wanting to make big changes in just about every aspect of my life.
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I m reading some books and have added a couple other podcasts to my commute as well.
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I feel like all the coaching and paradigms and books I ve been taking in just get stuck in my head and doesn t become action.
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Am I just oversaturated on advice and should I take a break to get to work?
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When my health, marriage, fatherhood, front lawn, social circle, wardrobe, and everything else could all use some extra effort or even a major overhaul, how and where do you suggest I start?
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Signed, Head Spinning.
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Hey, head spinning, look, anywhere is where you can start.
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Make a list of the big things you want to actually do and pick one.
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Right now, you re letting overwhelm or overload become an excuse.
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Paralysis by analysis, I think they call it in the military.
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I ve got tons of things I wanna do.
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I simply pick one or a few of those and I schedule them on my calendar and more importantly, I hire coaches for the things that are hard, things that require accountability or where I wanna gain a high level of performance.
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We know from our show with Anders Ericsson that we mentioned earlier, the single best way to learn something well is through coaching, which is why I have a trainer for physical stuff.
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I ve got a Chinese teacher.
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I ve got a voice coach, broadcasting coach.
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I schedule time to listen to other shows, to read.
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This stuff doesn t happen by itself, so don t allow yourself to be victimized by the amount of material available to you.
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It s kind of a weird problem, Jason, isn t it?
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It s like back in the day, you couldn t get information.
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You couldn t find someone to teach you something.
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Now we have too much of that,
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up in the same place.
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Scratch the rest of it off, put it in a drawer for later and focus on one thing at a time and really kind of, you know, dig into that.
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Yep, get her done, get her done.
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Schedule one thing, put it on your calendar, make sure it gets done.
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That goes back to our sort of productivity tip where everything on my calendar gets done.
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My time is sort of religiously scheduled and it allows for getting things done.
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Go figure.
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To the listener on Fan Mail Friday, number 61, who went from the military to working at a bank.
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You aren t the problem.
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Your work environment is the problem.
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I m a type A, highly motivated person who somehow landed in a government job right out of college.
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I was surrounded by people who don t care about efficiency or effectiveness, and they re all full of excuses for why things can t change.
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Like you, I quickly hit a point of saying, F this, I should just fit in by doing less.
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It didn t make me any happier because my job didn t fit my personalities or values.
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I tried changing me, and I tried changing everyone else.
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It was all a waste of time.
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Now I m building a business that I love, and I m working toward the day that business will be self-sustaining and I can quit my day job.
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You don t necessarily need to go back to the military, and I have no idea whether entrepreneurship is for you either.
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But I do know that your current occupation will never make you happy.
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You described your bank job as low stress.
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Well, the unhappiness it gives you is a form of stress.
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Don t delay like I did.
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Find a path that allows you to invest in your strengths.
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The job you have now is simply a repository for people who lack those strengths.
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Actually, you know what, this comment is brilliant.
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Unhappiness is indeed a form of stress, and I think a lot of people think that if things aren t hectic, then it s not stressful.
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If you re not running around like a chicken with your head cut off, then it s not stressful, but being miserable is absolutely a form of stress.
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It s just a different kind, and it s one that sneaks up on you fast.
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I think this is a really good point, actually.
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So thanks for sharing that, I appreciate it, and so does everyone else.
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I ve never really thought about unhappiness as being a form of stress.
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It s almost probably more common than just people who don t have enough time, actually.
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So here s one to Duana Welsh with a response from Duana Welsh.
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I m not religious, but I do consider myself spiritual, somewhat well-read, and quite open to new thoughts and ideas, which is part of why I enjoy the show.
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It wasn t the guest s content that I questioned, rather her expertise, which in turn cast doubt on the content.
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Dr. Welsh is a PhD who claims that her research is based in hard science, and yet in her opening remarks, where she is attempting to establish validity, she makes three false assertions.
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A. Theories are just a kind of fact by another name.
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B. Gravity is a theory, and C. The origin of the universe is a settled fact.
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To which the replies are A. Actually, theories are just conceptual frameworks, useful but indeterminate, B. No, gravity is a scientific law, big difference, and C.
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But the story keeps changing.
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The law of gravity is immutable.
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Theories of origin are not.
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If she claimed to be an average Jane, spinning some down-home wisdom, or if she was some sort of woo-woo love coach trying to dispense some good vibes, then most people would let this kind of thing slide.
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No big deal.
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But this is a PhD using assertions that are patently false while trying to establish that we should listen to her quote unquote science based message.
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It just kind of made me laugh.
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And then my laughter turned into wonderment when Jordan didn t challenge her claims.
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It was all very hand wavy and sort of, well, we all know this is true.
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And even if you don t know it, just trust me because it s true.
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Did Jordan simply not realize these errors or did he intentionally overlook them for the quote unquote greater good of the topic at hand?
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If the latter, then I can understand the intent, especially given Jordan s skill in chasing down and distilling the main points.
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However, unfortunately, the guest s apparent misunderstanding or at least mischaracterization of basic science ended up casting doubt on everything else she had to say.
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Thanks again for your time, Intellectually Curious in DC.
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All right, now remember, this reply comes directly from Dwayna.
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She says,
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The few born without rattles are breeding more and more prolifically.
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At some point, rattless rattlesnakes may become universal.
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A small genetic change, being born without a rattle, is interacting with a specific environment, giving those snakes an edge.
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Similarly, superbugs like MRSA are emerging, as those bacteria which happen to have certain mutations are the sole survivors of our antibiotics.
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As they breed, their progeny inherit their resistance to our drugs.
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So goes evolution for all living things.
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Small changes happen, and over the course of time, if those changes create a survival or reproductive advantage, then those changes are the ones that are passed through as species through genetic inheritance.
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That s the theory, and it s a fact.
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On the street, the word theory means an idea.
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I love that there s a street in science.
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On the street, the word theory means an idea that might or might not be true.
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That s not what scientists mean by theory.
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We mean a set of ideas and observations that work together in an explanatory, cohesive manner and which shall be or have been scientifically tested to support or refute the theory.
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Some theories, such as phrenology, were in bumps
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on the skull were supposed to predict personality have been thoroughly disproven and discarded via the scientific method.
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But in the case of evolutionary theory, as in the case of Newtonian physics from whence we have the law of gravity, and in the case of Copernicus  theory of heliocentrism, which placed the sun, not the earth, at the center of our solar system, the core ideas in the theory have unfailingly been found to be true, to such an extent that they are facts even though scientifically they are still referred to under the umbrella of theory.
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I am far from the only scientist to make this assertion. 
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You are correct that scientists don t use fact, in quotes, as a term synonymous with, quote, theory, and for good reason.
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First, theories like hypotheses, specific testable statements that are often small parts of theories, are sometimes disproven, as with phrenology.
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Equally important, use of the word theory allows for expansion and refinement of the ideas on an ongoing basis.
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Theory doesn t draw firm lines around things.
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By using the word theory, not only can new ideas be added as observations show that they make sense, but scientists continually have both the ability and the responsibility for testing each new aspect.
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However, in the show, I was relating to the idea many non-scientists have that the word theory means something is not yet proven, and that because the word theory is appended to the word evolution, then evolution might or might not be true, real, and valid.
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This is a patent misunderstanding of evolutionary science and its processes, in addition to a gross misconstrual of the word theory.
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In short, some theories or tenants of theories are supported by science at a level that a rational person would name as fact, such as physical laws in Newtonian physics, the earth rotating around the sun, and evolution.
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Galileo almost lost his life at the hands of the Inquisition for daring to assert that heliocentrism is fact.
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Others were afraid to look through his telescope, not in case he was wrong, but because they strongly suspected that he was correct, and they feared losing their lives if they acknowledged as fact what Copernicus had long surmised.
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Some of Galileo s cohorts who dared look through his telescope said something very close to, It s a funny thing.
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When you look through his telescope on the ground, everything is in order, but the moment you point it heavenward, it reverses things.
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They refused to see what they didn t already believe, the opposite of what good science does.
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Why were Galileo and his telescope so frightening?
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At the time that Galileo built his telescope, the church taught that humanity and thus earth was at the center of everything and that this meant the heavens were literally revolving around us.
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The church feared a loss of power and a loss of believers if people understood that the church had been wrong in this manner.
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For years, I have asked my students how many of them don t believe in God because Earth rotates around the sun.
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So far, among my students who are atheists or agnostic, not one has reached that conclusion due to the Earth s heliocentric rotation.
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Similarly, my students tell me they have not had their faith altered in either direction by an understanding of evolutionary theory as fact.
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Moreover, many scientists are people of faith, including myself.
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Again, this is Duena Welsh.
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As Galileo put it, he was showing how the heavens go, not how to go to heaven.
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Science and religion have distinct aims, and although you say you re not writing from any religious basis, I add this because so many folks who misunderstand evolution are afraid, lest they lose their faith in gaining this education.
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Do other scientists agree with me that scientific research supports evolution at the level of fact?
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Absolutely.
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But I don t expect or even want people to take my word for it.
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Instead, I urge each person to look through the scientific telescope, engaging reading the studies and many outstanding books on the subject, and see for themselves what is there.
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Thanks, Duena, excellent response.
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And look, I don t think that we have to be debating things like evolution a lot on the show.
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I think it s kind of a foregone conclusion.
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It s unfortunate that some people decide not to believe in those things, but look, I m always here to provide what I consider to be an intelligent response to valid criticism, and that was written well in both directions, so happy to be here for you on that.
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But I definitely don t want to turn this into, but, but, but, not evolution, or but, but, but religion.
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There s just, there are probably different formats for that.
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Over the last 17 years, we have launched our fair share of online courses, coaching programs, and finding the right platform has always been a challenge.
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There are thousands of creators on Kajabi making six and seven figures with less than 50,000 followers.
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Right now, Kajabi is offering a free 30-day trial to start your business if you go to kajabi.com slash charm.
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That s K-A-J-A-B-I dot com slash charm.
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Hey, Art of Charm listeners, I m excited to share a new podcast I ve been absolutely binging.
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You ll hear from prominent athletes, business leaders, and celebrities who reveal insights that made them into the leaders they are today.
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And don t miss President Obama sharing how he deals with pressure by projecting confidence, believing in your team, and taking criticism.
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Listen to Ways to Win wherever you get your podcasts.
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Now, back to the show.
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Hey Jordan, I ve been listening to the show for a couple years now, and while I pick and choose which episodes to listen to, I generally enjoy your point of view.
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However, I was surprised to hear your advice regarding the young man claiming to be a virgin.
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Your response to the feedback on the issue was that it s mostly personal opinion that determines your stance, and that entitles you to instruct other people on the issue.
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As you are someone who claims professional life guidance as a skill, I was disappointed when you outlined a course of action that goes against psychology at its basest.
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Sexual intimacy does bind people on a chemical, psychological level, regardless of how casual they may view that area of their life.
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Religious and moral views aside, your advice was incorrect.
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I don t call into question whether your advice to quote-unquote just get it done is accurate, simply that you lied to that young man in saying that there are no consequences or connections which he will deal with, subconsciously or not.
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Please don t allow your personal opinions to color your advice.
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It brings you from the quote-unquote professional level to the level of any other unlearned person.
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Use facts.
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Signed, Noah.
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Thanks so much for the note, Noah.
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Even if you did phrase it rudely, perhaps you re angry about something else this morning or generally have problems with tact and email.
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I don t know.
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Anyway, you re missing the point.
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Nobody argued that it doesn t bind people, that sex doesn t bind people.
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only that the damage being done by Gilley s insecurity on the issue is greater than the effect that that oxytocin binding may have.
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You, however, have simply jumped to a conclusion here without listening carefully or considering the advice at all, it seems.
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Thanks for taking the time to write in.
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I hope you have favorite episodes of the show, and I m glad to have you as a fan.
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Now, it seems like a lot of people, Noah aside, missed the point of this one.
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Not gonna argue here about the bonding chemicals, which indeed are still released, that much is a fact, but simply weigh the idea that the pain caused to the Virgin, Gilly, was greater than some mysterious, as yet unproven affect on future relationships, which he s unable to have because of his insecurities.
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So Gilly s been unable to get into great relationships because of the effect that being a virgin has had on him and the confidence, ding, that he s taken because of that.
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Not because of oxytocin binding and all these other things that affect all of us when we have sex with somebody, but look, the effect of one is clearly greater than the other here.
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And as a side note, I know a lot of you hated the advice I gave to the virgin, to Gilly.
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We should probably just call him by his name, right?
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He s not the only virgin in the world.
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But I did notice that when quizzed, most of you couldn t help but make a moral argument.
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The problem with moral arguments is that not everyone shares the same morals, and not everyone should, especially when it comes to intimacy and sex.
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Frankly, those of you that complained about my answer were, in many ways, often simply trying to enforce your own beliefs and religion, often enough, onto the questioner, which is not okay.
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it s not okay not just on the show but it s not okay
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at all anywhere.
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If you re comfortable submitting to the control of your church, your parents, or your social group, you are welcome to do so.
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Just do not expect anyone else to do the same just to make you feel better about your decisions.
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In the end, I give advice based on my own experience and my own expertise.
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You re free to disagree with them, and if you do, perhaps you can create a platform with alternative advice.
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There s a reason that the advice given here at AOC is popular, and the reason is because it s based on what works.
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It s not based on what we would like to see work or like to see happen based on miscalculations like Noah made earlier in his email, or based on your own moral compass or our own moral compass, which isn t necessarily compatible with my personal experience, the experience of the asker of any given question, or for many of us, our moral compass might not even be compatible with reality.
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All right, it s obvious that I m channeling my inner Sam Harris here.
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Let s go on to the next question.
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I ve been loving the ladies  toolbox episodes, although I have to say it s so weird to hear about how important it is to be traditionally feminine.
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I don t think that had much to do with my husband s selection of me.
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It would be interesting to hear a show about how fluctuations in gender roles affect courtship.
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Certainly the hair on the back of my neck prickles a bit whenever you or Kim say, quote unquote, let the man take the lead.
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Men don t like it if they don t have to pursue.
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It s pretty contrary to the sense of agency I ve nurtured my whole life to simply hand over the reins to men just because they prefer it.
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What about what I prefer?
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Does that mean I just don t want a traditional man?
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And if so, is there a lesser-known set of non-traditional courtship practices?
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I don t mean to sound critical, and I m not on the dating scene to verify your advice, but these are some thoughts I have during those shows.
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If that s how you have to play the game to win, it doesn t sound like the kind of game I want to play.
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I keep wondering how you would respond to a woman who finds it anti-feminist to play the passive, receptive role in courtship.
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As always, thanks for making me think, Shaina.
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I appreciate the note, but science and biology and gender roles are very strongly linked.
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We can wish things to be different all we want, but it really doesn t change anything for the most part.
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I don t think it s anti-feminist to accept that gender roles in dating are as they are.
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Just enjoy it.
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You re free to break the gender role stereotype, and if it works, I m super happy for you.
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Just bear in mind that not everyone shares the same ideal or thinks of this as a benefit,
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and most men are similarly programmed for better or for worse.
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Perhaps then breaking the mold is a screener for you personally, but it will be less effective in finding a match for most people, which is why we advise against it.
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So thanks for writing in.
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We love hearing from people with different opinions, especially when they re expressed intelligently like this one.
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Hey guys, thank you for all the amazing content.
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AOC is a common companion as I ride public transportation here in Chicago.
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My question has to deal with setting expectations with my girlfriend about my work schedule.
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I ve recently started my own company, and I hold the belief that in order to be successful, I have to work on it nearly every available hour, which ends up being around 10-15 hours a day sometimes.
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I love the work I do, and when I m not working, I actually get anxiety.
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When I m hanging out with my girlfriend, I sometimes start to resent my time with her because of this anxiety.
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She s supportive of my work, but I don t think she fully appreciates how much work it actually takes to launch her own business.
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We re moving in together later this year, which makes me nervous because being alone in my own apartment is the only time I can get quality work done.
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She s not a crazy needy girl, but is extremely close to me, affectionate, and can be distracting when I m trying to work.
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How can I balance spending quality time with her while at the same time focusing as much time as I can on making my business successful?
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Thanks for any help, James.
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Hey James, I totally get what s going on here.
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I feel you, trust me.
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I have the same situation.
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I mean, she might realize how much work it takes.
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I know you say that she obviously doesn t, but she might actually totally get it.
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She just has her own emotional needs as well, which makes sense to me.
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You gotta make sure, ask yourself, are you sure that you re in the right place for a relationship?
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Because you might not be.
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If you re moving in and you wanna keep both your business and your relationship, you need to have an understanding of how much you need to work
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not just work at your relationship, but how much you just need to work on your business.
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And you need boundaries.
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That said, look, she s also allowed to ask things of you, like, hey, no working on the weekend, or no working after 7 p.m., or whatever.
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You and I are in a similar place, and I m definitely a workaholic, I get it.
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But realize, other people close to you, they have needs as well.
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and if you don t think you can meet those needs, you gotta let them know, and you gotta be okay with her finding someone who can meet those needs.
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It s not fair to bait and switch by saying, well, I ll make time, and then just never doing it.
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That s not cool.
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You re really not following through on your end of the bargain in the relationship.
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Again, she might realize how much work it takes.
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She just might trust you to balance that out with taking care of her as well.
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Hope y all enjoyed that.
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Don t forget you can email us, friday at theartofcharm.com.
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Get your questions answered here on the air.
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Of course, we ve also got the Art of Charm Challenge at theartofcharm.com slash challenge, or text charmed to 33444.
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We take you step by step, becoming better at making personal and professional connections, becoming a better networker, increasing your personal social capital, your charisma.
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It s for both guys and gals, so check that out at theartofcharm.com slash challenge.
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or text charmed, that s C-H-A-R-M-E-D to 33444.
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Quick shout out to Carly Villagomez.
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Your older brother Diego wants to give you a shout out and congratulate you on your high school graduation, which he missed for the AOC reunion.
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I say it was probably worth it.
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You probably disagree, Carly, but thanks for letting him go and congrats on the next level of your life.
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Are you in a strange land listening to my familiar voice?
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If so, hit me up and I ll shout you out.
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More from AOC at theartofcharm.com.
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Now stay charming, get out there and connect, and leave everyone better than you found them.
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Thanks for listening to The Art of Charm.
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Get more confidence, relationship skills, life hacks, and more at theartofcharmpodcast.com.