7 Things to Know About Marriage
There are many disturbing truths. To me, the most disturbing is how the actual thing is so vastly different than anything it's purported to be. Marriage is not unconditional love, There is hate. Resentment. There is bitterness, isolation, betrayal and pain. I don't feel love for my husband 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Nor does he. Marriage has inertia, There are times when we cannot access our love. Sometimes, it's marriage  not love  that keeps us married. This thing manifest in shared cutlery and mattresses, Thanksgiving rituals and holiday cards  this thing sometimes keeps us together. Marriage is not the agent nor the perfection of you, It doesn't fill your cracks and makes you complete. It's not what you're missing in life. It's not the fulfillment of your true self. Marriage doesn't do anything it  perhaps  allows you to do things. , Marriage is not enough, Marriage is not a signal of success or achievement to the world. I've done this, I'm married, stop worrying, stop doubting. Perhaps for a while, but not for long. Not for ever. The what's next questions persist. And nothing  not even marriage  is immune. Marriage can be a bad thing, Marriage endures beyond lies, beyond broken trust, broken dreams  if you want it to, it can. Marriages  good marriages, ones that work  must exist in dark spaces too, not just the light. Marriage has no baseline, With a few exceptions, there is no standard of what is good, normal, acceptable, and what is not. No one can tell you what to do with it, about it, it is entirely your responsibility to manage your marriage. There is no right answer so don't seek one. Marriage is bigger than you. Bigger than both of you, If my answer sounds like marriage is this mythical thing that cuddles in bed with you and your spouse and at times steals sheets  that's because it is. Well, it's not mythical, but it's there, amorphous. It's the third thing, between you, in your relationship. It's a responsibility, a commitment, a power, an profound intimacy. Ensuring we are seen, witnessed and bound to another before we expire. More than any other social institution we have as humans. Paying taxes notwithstanding.