These 4 Things Kill Relationships
John Gottman can listen to a couple for 5 minutes and determine, with 91 accuracy, whether they'll divorce. He was featured in Malcolm Gladwell's book Blink. Gottman's researched marriage for over 40 years and couples that attend his workshops have half the relapse rate that standard therapy provides. His book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is excellent and rich with information. In it he debunks a lot of myths about marriage, explains why marriages go bad and what can be done about it. How can he tell who will split up? There are a number of indicators but at the core of Gottman's research are " The Four Horsemen." These are the four things that indicate a marriage apocalypse is on its way, What surprised me the most? Gottman's research reveals that major differences of opinion don't destroy marriages, it's how a couple deals with them. 69 of a couple's problems are perpetual. These problems don't go away yet many couples keep arguing about them year after year, How do good marriages deal with issues that can't be resolved? They accept one another as-is, The book is loaded with powerful information, anecdotes and advice. I'll cover three useful elements here. 1 Really knowing each other is vital, 2 When fighting, do your best to avoid using the word you and try to use the word I. This makes it much easier to express feelings and much harder to attack the other person. 3 What's the most powerful little exercise to improve a marriage? "Reunite at the end of the day and talk about how it went." The goal is to bleed off stress from the day so it can't negatively affect your relationship. A few other interesting bits, There's too much information in the book for me to really do it justice here. If the subject is of interest to you, check it out The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Join over 161,000 readers. Get a free weekly update via email here. Related posts, The Science Of "Happily Ever After" 3 Things That Keep Love Alive, What are the 5 things that make love last?, What should you look for in a marriage partner?, This piece originally appeared on Barking Up the Wrong Tree. , Listen to the most important stories of the day.