Why Have Kids
Zcalo Public Square is a magazine of ideas from Arizona State University Knowledge Enterprise. It used to be that the Cleavers  dad working an office job, mom raising two boys full-time  were the model American family. But the past several decades have seen dramatic changes  recent studies find that only about half of American adults are married today, compared to around 70 percent in 1960. The share of interracial marriages has doubled since 1980. Thirty-seven states and the District of Columbia now recognize same-sex marriage. More men than ever are becoming single fathers. More mothers are becoming family breadwinners. More children are being born outside of marriage. A Pew Research Center study from 2010 found that 20 percent of American women now end their childbearing years without having borne a child, compared to 10 percent in the 1970s. During that time, the public has become more accepting of these women, but 38 percent of Americans surveyed for that study felt this trend was bad for society. When it comes to some other changes to the American family  such as marrying someone of a different race or women working outside the home  the public has said in greater numbers that those trends were good for or at least didn't harm society. In advance of the Zcalo event, "Why Have Kids?", we asked a panel of experts If Americans have come to accept a range of non-traditional family structures, why does a woman's choice not to have children still elicit skepticism and judgment?, , Bella DePaulo  We want other people to share the worldviews we care about most, "As long as women bounce around kidding themselves that life is full when alone, they are putting their hedonistic, selfish desires ahead of what's best for children and society." That was one reader's response to a 2002 cover story in Time about women who were choosing to stay single and not have kids. At the time, I was just starting to research my first book on single people and I was perplexed. The reader had no relationship to the women in the story  they were strangers. If these women didn't have qualms about their life choices, why should this guy get so angry about them?, I hadn't yet recognized the power of people's views of the world. Worldviews help us make sense of the world. They can boost our self-esteem, enhance our good feelings, and keep our bad ones at bay. We want other people to share the worldviews we care about the most. When it comes to marriage and family, one of the strongest worldviews is that women are supposed to get married and have kids. And if they do, they will be happier and healthier than everyone else  and morally superior, too. The "problem," then, with women who do not follow the culturally valued life course of marrying and having children, is that they are threatening beliefs that people hold dear. What's more, it is even worse if they choose not to marry or have kids. For example, research has shown that single people who want to be single are judged more harshly than those who want to find a partner. They are seen as lonelier, colder, less sociable, and more miserable. Even more tellingly, other people express more anger toward them. That irate reader of the Time story was not only irked because he thought the women were stupid, but also because they were happy. How dare they claim that life without marriage or kids is a good and happy life  a life that someone would actually choose!, , Elaine Tyler May  Women have opted out of motherhood throughout history, Womanhood equals motherhood has long been accepted as the norm for women's lives. But in fact, throughout history, women have often opted out of motherhood. In the 19th century, for example, the average number of births per woman declined by halffrom eight in 1800 to four in 1900. Many women chose not to marry, and even some of those who married chose not to have children. The rate of childlessness was at an all-time high at the dawn of the 20th century, and then dropped to an all-time low after World War II in the midst of the Baby Boom. Today, more and more women are choosing not to have children for a wide variety of reasons. Women without children are not scorned or pitied to the extent they once were, but a stigma still attaches to women who choose not to procreate. It is way past time for that stigma to lift. American women today lead rich and varied lives, with or without partners, with or without children. It is time to celebrate all the choices women have, and protect their ability to make the choice to have childrenor not. Besides, there are many ways to have children in one's life without giving birth to them or raising them. Just ask any devoted aunt, teacher, doctor, childcare worker, or anyone with children in their lives. As one teacher said proudly, "I'm not childless! I have 400 children!", , Bill McKibben  There's also prejudice towards people who chose to have just one kid, There's another choice that yields almost as much skepticism the decision just to have one child. Surveys show that the biggest reason for having a second kid is so the first won't be an only child. There may be plenty of good reasons for having a big family, but it turns out that isn't one of them all the data show that only kids grow up to be indistinguishable from their peers with siblings. Not spoiled, not crazy. Just fine. In fact, it's a perfect example of how easily we're led astray by prejudice. The "study" that convinced everyone that only children were odd was conducted in the late 1800s, and the definition of "odd" included "very pretty," "very ugly," and "very strong." It also found that immigrant children were odd go figure. The subjects in the study included not just actual only children, but only children in works of fiction. Happily science has marched on, and so should the rest of us. It's time that we learned to accept that people, and families, come in many different shapes and sizes that they face different circumstances and want different things. It's time, that is, to stop with the judging.