How to Be More Assertive According to Research
You don't want to fight. You don't want to be hassled. You don't want to disappoint them. It's easier to just nod and give them what they want. But later you feel frustrated, trapped and depressed because you're not getting what you need and you spend all your time serving others. Ever felt this way? We all have. For some of us it's compartmentalized you're a warrior at work but a worrier at home. Or it's the reverse you rule the house with an iron fist but just can't bring yourself to ask your boss for a raise. What's going on?, There are 4 styles of dealing with people and they all hinge on the idea of control, And then there's the Holy Grail assertiveness. Research shows being assertive is that perfect Goldilocks balance of "just right." It helps you get the things you need while preserving relationships over the long term. But there's one problem, Nobody ever tells you what the hell "assertive" really means. How do you do it? How do you get what you need without being a jerk or a manipulator?, Don't worry. Research has answers. Let's get to it, That's Randy J. Peterson's definition. He's a professor of psychology and psychiatry at the University of British Columbia. The key thing to keep in mind is "You are in charge of your behavior others are in charge of their behavior.", I know sounds obvious. But when we get caught in passive thinking, this simple fact is what we're forgetting. From The Assertiveness Workbook, The key word there is "choice." When you're being passive, you forget that you have a choice. But you always do. When you comply, you're making a decision. Passive people think, "I have to do what they want." No, actually. No, you don't. Other people say no all the time. The problem is often that passive people assume the consequences of saying no will be catastrophic. The issue isn't the request and it usually isn't the potential consequences of declining  it's the unreasonable assumption in your head that saying no is the equivalent of hitting the self-destruct button on a relationship. From The Assertiveness Workbook, Yes, standing up for yourself can have consequences. But if you respect other people's autonomy, the results are rarely as bad as you think they'll be. Aggressives and passive-aggressives try to control others and that's why in the long term they often pay dearly. But just because you can't control people doesn't mean you're helpless. You can still talk with others, make requests, and negotiate. Now I know what passive people are thinking You make it sound so easy. I'm just not an assertive person. But assertiveness is not a trait like height. It's a set of skills. Skills you can develop. And you don't have to run around being pushy all the time. Assertiveness is like a weedwhacker. You take it out of the garage when you need it you don't have to walk around with it running all day long. To learn the morning ritual that will keep you happy all day, click here., So how do you build these skills? Let's look at the three big problems passive people dread and what the research says is the best way to handle them, You're wishing they didn't ask you to do that. Why did they have to ask? You wouldn't have asked them to do this. But they're asking. And you can't make them un-ask. Crap. Remember you can't control other people's behavior. So when you start down the path of wishing they didn't ask, you're violating the cardinal rule of assertiveness all you can control is your behavior. From The Assertiveness Workbook, You always have a choice. When you hold the belief that you must say yes, that's why you feel like a slave. So what do you do?, First, stay calm. Don't just react. Don't say "okay" out of habit. You want to strike while the iron is cool. Delay if you need to "Let me get back to you about that.", Next, examine your beliefs. What do you believe will be the result of saying no? "If I don't agree, they'll round up the townsfolk and surround my house wielding pitchforks and torches. I'll be put in the stocks and my children will be forced to wear a scarlet N' as the child of the monster who said no.", Is your belief reasonable? Is that the most likely result? Has it ever happened before? What would your very assertive friend Larry think is reasonable? "If you say no, the person will probably nod, shrug, walk away and not hate you forever.", Decide based on reasonable beliefs. Are you willing to accept the likely consequences? If you are, then go ahead and say no. If you're not, make the choice to say yes. But you're not a slave. You made the decision. But there's one problem you might face the first few times you try this, If you've been passive for a long time, people are going to be surprised. And if you're dealing with an aggressive, they'll think they can control you. If you mumble a no and they keep asking, you might cave. And now all you've done is teach them to push harder. So, early on in your attempts to be assertive, try the "broken record technique." Say no. And just keep repeating yourself every time they push. From The Assertiveness Workbook, To learn how to increase your self-esteem, click here., Okay, you know how to say no. But how do you ask others for something without feeling awful?, Other people aren't psychic. The reason you're frustrated is because you believe they should be. It's just another form of trying to control people, and that's why it makes you angry. You want something? You're going to have to ask. Aggressives have no problem with it. And so, for a just a second, channel your inner aggressive. If you were a bullying jerk, what would you demand? "Take out the trash right now!", Got the answer? Good, you know what you want. Okay, put The Hulk back in his cage. Now think about Larry, your very assertive friend, What would he say is the reasonable version of your demand? "Can you take out the trash, please? I'd appreciate it.", Don't apologize or put yourself down when you ask. You ran a check in your head this is a reasonable ask. You don't need to feel like you're burdening anyone. Make sure to word it as a request  not a demand. You're respecting the person's autonomy. Review, rehearse and consider the timing of the ask. You want to be relaxed and you want them to be receptive. And guess what? They still might say no. And that's okay. You can't control their behavior, only yours. And you didn't fail, you merely asked. They're not going to hate you forever  you were reasonable. And you can negotiate further if you're feeling up to it. To learn the FBI's lead hostage negotiator's tips on how to negotiate, click here., Alright, let's take it to the next level. Someone has been driving you crazy. You can't take it anymore. You need to confront them. You can't be passive anymore but you don't want to explode like an aggressive or start twisting your mustache like a manipulating passive-aggressive. How do you have a tough conversation?, The key concept to remember here is "Symbolic Value." What's that mean?, They didn't take the trash out. Again. But honestly, taking out the trash is not a big deal, is it? Nobody gets the chair for forgetting to move garbage. Ah-ha! Now we're on to something. Taking out the trash has "symbolic value." It means respect and love. Or, more specifically, taking out the trash has symbolic value to you. Did you ever tell them what taking out the trash means to you? I'm guessing no. So to them, taking out the trash may mean, well "taking out the trash." They're not aware of the symbolic value you've attached to it. But you're assuming they are aware, and that their defiance is intentional, and therefore they are evil incarnate and they must be destroyed. This chain of thinking can be, uh, problematic to say the least., You've got three options here, If your partner regularly does 900 other things to demonstrate their love and respect, then 1 might be the smart choice. If your partner regularly does 900 other things that make it clear you are neither loved or respected, 2 might be in order. But tread lightly  making accusations and demanding immediate, massive personality change is a tall order., Nine times out of ten, the best thing to do is to focus on changing behavior. But respect their autonomy. From The Assertiveness Workbook, Define your goal "I would like them to take out the trash." Then relax, rehearse, and don't try to get them to admit they are evil. But most of all listen. Why?, If you do, it's quite likely you'll get the answer to your "symbolic value" question, And you may just find out there's some silly, stupid, insignificant thing you've been ignoring  that has enormous symbolic value to them. To learn an FBI behavior expert's tips on how to get people to like you, click here., Okay, you're on your way from passive to assertive. Let's round it all up and find out how being assertive doesn't just get you what you need, it might actually improve the relationships that mean the most to you, Here's how to be more assertive, It takes some time and practice to become more assertive. People will push back initially. They're used to the old you. That's okay. Again, you can't change their behavior, only yours. But once you start being more comfortable speaking up, it doesn't just mean more conflict. It can actually mean wonderful things, too. Professor Randy Peterson points out something interesting passive people don't just avoid conflict. They often avoid saying a lot of good stuff too. From The Assertiveness Workbook, As you become more assertive, you'll be a more encouraging, supportive, friend, partner, employee or co-worker. And that's something that makes life better for everyone. Those around you will come to appreciate the more assertive you. From The Assertiveness Workbook, In my next weekly email I'll be sending out a PDF of the tool Professor Peterson recommends to help people become more assertive. To make sure you get it, sign up here. By being more assertive, you finally let those around you see who you really are. And that's the only way they can love the real you. Join over 267,000 readers. Get a free weekly update via email here.