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Portland Show exhibition review in the Maine Sunday Telegram

This new series titled The Working Waterfront debuted at Greenhut Galleries 8th Portland Show Biennial this April.  I am very pleased to be included  Daniel Kany’s review of the show in the Maine Sunday Telegram!

Greenhut Galleries’ “Portland Show” has set a standard for biennials in Maine, offering a consistently excellent show.

It has never been a perfect show, and I don’t like every work this year, but each selected artist is worthy of consideration.

Even the piece that appeals to me least, Chris Eaton’s “5th Day Slow Rider,” is impressive. It features a scene in cut paper and pencil drawing of onlookers and people on bikes. The craft and draftsmanship are excellent and the work clearly achieves its wild-and-crazy celebratory intent. It’s dazzling and hysterical. It’s just too jangly for me.

In numbers, this is a big show. Try to parse every piece, and this “Portland Show” becomes huge. Usually, curatorial themes facilitate our looking: We (lazily) check off how a piece is connected to the theme and then feel we understand it. But Greenhut’s show sets up the artists, chosen well in advance, to make or select a piece for the show. So rather than safe and simple selection by the gallery, the artists are empowered to be their own curators. This doesn’t always complicate the content, but enough of the artists seek to challenge the gallery and each other to make for a particularly rich viewing experience.

The work ranges greatly in style, content and approach. Ben Coombs’ handsome blown glass lobster buoys greet you at the door and beyond them is Crystal Cawley’s Mad Hatter’s hat made of map scraps. Alice Spencer’s quilt paintings take an unexpected close look at historic, local quilts. Eaton’s eye-popping bicyclists pull your eye to a farther gallery. And Daniel Anselmi’s unapologetically abstract collages clearly seek internal elegance instead of someone else’s story – a theme we could also ascribe to the works of Henry Wolyniec and Sandra Quinn among others. Maybe they aren’t team players, but choosing to do their own thing works for all of these artists.
Among the divergent works are plenty of compelling, clearly Portland anchors. C. Michael Lewis’s hallucination-like high focus flat scene of a brick building’s fire escape system achieves an extraordinary intensity of two-dimensional design, technical achievement and enamel-like surface. Marsha Donahue’s urban scene (in oil instead of watercolor) is bifurcated both by a graffitied parking lot wall in the foreground and the late afternoon sun that blazes on the houses beyond the shade-blued wall.

Surprisingly few of the works feel predictable, but those that do, like Tina Ingraham’s blue, brick, gray and white “Portland Pier Moorings,” with its soft, woolly focus, and Jeff Bye’s similarly sited “After Six,” more than surpass a certain standard. The only genuine disappointment is Anne Lofquist’s “Portland from Sheridan Street” – it’s a fine painting but we saw it in the last Portland Show.
Sub-themes appear spontaneously. I found myself caught up in an ongoing trove of night scenes led by Richard Wilson’s witty little “Two Lights” (fireworks and then a French fry stand), Roy Germon’s suite of four tiny street scenes and particularly the creamy blue “End of the Pier,” Thomas Connolly’s iconic portrait of the Hay Building, Lori Tremblay’s “Time Keepers” that matches a clock face to the logic of a star gazer’s sky, Chris Beneman’s geometrically crisp “Working Waterfont” (both Tremblay and Beneman achieve deliciously taut surface textures), Tom Hall’s mythically dark gaze through Congress Square across the bow of the Portland Museum of Art and, among others still, Alec Richardson’s exquisitely blue, pink and lilac-lighted “Twilight on the Wharf.”

Fans of great brush handlers should not miss this show. Colin Page is only getting better. His lobster boat at the wharf is a lesson in painting. Page’s often frosting-thick marks in the middle of the scene jump in all directions at once, somehow managing an unforeseen choreographed harmony. And Page then awakens passages that shouldn’t work, like the bright blue to dark green of the water at the lower left, to make them feel inevitable. Nearby is Germon’s “Munjoy Hill” that speedily sweeps in from the wrestled-to-the-ground front right path to create an unusually cropped structure punctuated by an flickering passage of strokes at the top center peak of the hill.

Several works combine rich conceptual programs with particularly fine mark making. Ken Greenleaf’s “The Weight of the Metal at Fort Gorges” is a marvel of data mining and design executed with the intelligence that belies the artist’s foundation as a sculptor: It sweeps, pops, explains and then celebrates.
Daniel Minter’s deft “Bay Side Window” handsomely incorporates 50 images within a warmly intriguing public-program art story.

Robert Sullivan’s “Augur West End” held my fascination rapt. It is a blue monochrome scene of dazzling sun finding its way back through a passing cloud in an upward look over the tops of West End apartments. The perspective holds deeply onto the discourse of camera imagery: lens flares, single-point distortion and then color filter logic made clear by a large green circle on the right that only serves to color shift the clouds within it. It is highly unusual insofar as it challenges both from photography and painting perspectives. If photo filters, the green might not be green, but yellow over the blue. The painting challenge most obviously comes in handling the values of the varied colors: In five seconds, I snapped a shot with my iPhone, switched it to black and white and found that Sullivan nailed it.

Finally, Philip Frey’s “Slip of Light” is simply one of those paintings that looks like it fell off the brush. It’s an urban scene of no particular note, but this only lets us better see the brushwork, which is about as good as it gets. (If, however, you unravel the composition from the yellow at the base of the statue, the scene spirals open with a dazzling structural brilliance; however, this takes a few passes.) Every stroke feels both alive and perfectly in its place. It’s a new high water mark. Frey is an excellent painter, but “Slip of Light” feels inspired beyond the norm.
Is there “something for everyone” in this Portland Show? Probably not. But if you want to see an extraordinary cross-section of Maine painters taking on Maine themes, or if you just want to see a few great paintings by active artists, it doesn’t get much better than this.

Freelance writer Daniel Kany is an art historian who lives in Cumberland. He can be contacted at:

WHAT: The 8th Biennial Portland Show, featuring the works of 50 Maine artists
WHERE: Greenhut Galleries, 146 Middle St., Portland
WHEN: 10 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. Monday to Friday, 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Saturday; through April 30
INFO: greenhutgalleries.com, 772-2693

New series developing…..

I’m participating in the upcoming Portland Show Biennial Exhibit at Greenhut Galleries, opening April 7th. (Artists reception Saturday, April 9, 1-3pm)  For this show each artist is required to create an image that relates to Portland, Maine.  For awhile now I have been mulling over shifting my “High Line” architectural type imagery into something marine related.  This seemed like a good opportunity to take the leap.  The image below is my entry. Titled “The Working Waterfront”  it is acrylic on panel, 16 x 20 inches.  I am continuing this series, currently creating smaller paintings on panel but will soon tackle translating this idea into prints….using collagraphs and monotypes as I did in the High Line series.


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Merge to M65: Android Accessibility: Avoiding crash on unregistering broadcast receiver.

There might be cases where unregistering broadcast receiver can throw
IllegalArgumentException if the context is not handled in an appropriate
manner. This CL avoids the crash.

(cherry picked from commit 8839385d34f511f6498bc20edba638944b67d0cd)

Change-Id: I9d7888dcbde518caa6e7e426a215953e9c3ba672
Bug: 780261
Reviewed-by: Bo <>
Reviewed-by: Dominic Mazzoni <>
Commit-Queue: Isha Bobra <>
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He dodged behind a wide tree and flattened his back against it, clutching the strange knife tightly in his hand. It pulsed gently with a uniformed rhythm as if a heart thudded beneath the bone exterior and it seemed to generate an unnatural warmth.

          Is the damned thing alive? he thought.

          He fought the instinct to drop the knife on the ground, though every fiber of his being beseeched him to do so. The smell of death suddenly intruded on his internal struggle. Moon willed himself to peer around his hiding place. In the dawning glow of the sun he could clearly see what had been stalking him.

         Something that was once a large man of more than six feet came hulking gracelessly out of the tall grass. It stood slumped as if fighting to keep its balance. The tattered remains of its clothing was that typically worn by a man of Dutch heritage. The fabric hung ill-fittingly on its physique. All color had been drained from its skin, giving the thing a pale hue that matched the hilt of the bone knife. Its eyes were milky white and dull – its ominous gaze stared directly at him.

          Grabbed by a strength born of horror and desperation, Moon struggled to scale the tree, his feet barely finding purchase as he climbed and he had to rely mostly on the muscles of his arms. The creature pounded toward him. Moon doubled his efforts, using the bone knife as a makeshift anchor.

          If the crew saw me now, they’d laugh and taunt me ‘til my dying day, he ruminated.

The extremities of a putrefied hand that looked more like talons than human fingers swept past Moon’s foot, catching his boots. He heaved himself up a thick limb, narrowly being pulled back down. The boot was pried loose and plummeted to the ground. He stared down to see the creature staring back up with that milky gaze, its fingers opening and closing reflexively like it was waiting for Moon to fall into its waiting outstretched arms.

Who are you?

I’m Moon. I was once a slave.

And now, you’re a thief.

Beats being a slave.

But I prefer the title of “relic hunter.”

What types of relics do you steal hunt?

Forgotten ones; once thought of as only myths and legends.

How do you find such legendary artifacts?

Anything can be found, if you know where to look, and have the guts to go searching into dark and deadly places.

What is the quality you most like in a man?

A man should be quick thinking, fast moving and money making.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?

Power. I learned, long ago, that women possess more power than men, which is why men have always sought to control them; to possess them.

That’s an interesting perspective.

I’m an interesting guy.

Yes, you are. One of the most interesting things about you is your name. Is Moon a nickname?

No, it’s my name.

Your mama named you ‘Moon’?

Watch what you say about my mother!

The young son of the white man who enslaved me kept referring to me as “Moon.” I don’t know why. After I escaped, I didn’t bother to change it because I no longer remembered my birth name.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

My mother. She is still enslaved.

There is another Moon I have read of who is also a relic hunter. His name is Taurus Moon. Do you think you are related?

I know we are. Taurus is one of my descendants.

How do you know? You divined it through one of your artifacts?

Nope; I googled it.

Wait…Google didn’t exist in the 1600s!

Were you alive during the 1600s?

Then how can you be sure?

That’s what I thought. Next question!

Um…okay. Who are your favorite writers?

I enjoy the writing of another one of my descendants. D.K. Gaston. He wrote about one of my adventures. That’s the story you can find in the Rococoa anthology.

Have you read the Rococoa anthology?

Yes. I have it on my Kindle and ordered a paperback from the publisher’s website.

Wait…Kindle? Website? In the 1600s?! How?

You already know.

Wow, so…um…what is your motto?

Say ‘what’ again! I dare you!

But…that’s Samuel L. Jackson’s line from Pulp Fiction.

Yes, I know. I love that movie!

But you’re from the 1600s! How?…Never mind.

Check out DK Gaston’s story, Bloodline, in the Rococoa anthology. Available now!

About Balogun

Balogun is the author of the bestselling Afrikan Martial Arts: Discovering the Warrior Within and screenwriter / producer / director of the films, A Single Link, Rite of Passage: Initiation and Rite of Passage: The Dentist of Westminster. He is one of the leading authorities on Steamfunk – a philosophy or style of writing that combines the African and / or African American culture and approach to life with that of the steampunk philosophy and / or steampunk fiction – and writes about it, the craft of writing, Sword & Soul and Steampunk in general, at https://chroniclesofharriet.com/. He is author of eight novels – the Steamfunk bestseller, MOSES: The Chronicles of Harriet Tubman (Books 1 & 2); the Urban Science Fiction saga, Redeemer; the Sword & Soul epic, Once Upon A Time In Afrika; a Fight Fiction, New Pulp novella, Fist of Afrika; the gritty, Urban Superhero series, A Single Link and Wrath of the Siafu; the two-fisted Dieselfunk tale, The Scythe and the “Choose-Your-Own-Destiny”-style Young Adult novel, The Keys. Balogun is also contributing co-editor of two anthologies: Ki: Khanga: The Anthology and Steamfunk. Finally, Balogun is the Director and Fight Choreographer of the Steamfunk feature film, Rite of Passage, which he wrote based on the short story, Rite of Passage, by author Milton Davis and co-author of the award winning screenplay, Ngolo. You can reach him on Facebook at www.facebook.com/Afrikan.Martial.Arts; on Twitter @Baba_Balogun and on Tumblr at www.tumblr.com/blog/blackspeculativefiction.

2 responses »

  1. Cool. Seems very interesting.

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text:
An Overview of Wills and Probate

Why should I make a will?

  • To authorise a person of your choosing to deal with your affairs after death
  • To ensure that your property is distributed in accordance with your wishes

Why should I use a solicitor to make will?

  • Solicitors are properly trained, qualified, regulated and insured.
  • To ensure that your will is appropriate for your circumstances and that your wishes are accurately reflected
  • To ensure it deals fully with your estate, so that you are not at risk of a partial intestacy
  • To make full use of inheritance tax allowances, ensuring your estate does not pay more inheritance tax than necessary

How do I make a will?

Make an appointment with a specialist solicitor who will take full instructions and find out about your circumstances and wishes. You will then need to sign your will once you are happy with its contents.

If I do not make a will, what happens?

  • Nobody will have authority to deal with your affairs until an application is made to the court for a Grant of Letters of Administration
  • You will have no say in the distribution of your assets, which will be distributed to family members in strict order according to the law
  • This could result in unfortunate outcomes – for example, your estranged spouse or distant relatives inheriting assets rather than your children or close friends.

How do I change my will?

Make an appointment with a specialist solicitor. The formalities can be complex.

What do I do if a family member dies and has not left a will?

Make an appointment with a specialist solicitor, who will advise you as to who is entitled to make an application for a Grant of Letters of Administration in order to deal with the deceased’s affairs.

How does relationship/marital status affect wills?

  • Marital status has a significant effect on inheritance tax and you should discuss this with your solicitor when making your will
  • If your divorced ex-spouse is still named in your will, the law will treat them as having died on the date of the decree absolute
  • Unless your will was made ‘in contemplation of marriage’, your will becomes invalid on the date of your marriage and you should make a new one

How much will it cost me?

  • At Churchers, we charge £225 for a straightforward will (i.e. without the inclusion of trusts or other specialised provisions)
  • ‘Mirror wills’ (i.e. for a couple whose wills contain largely similar provisions) cost £350
  • No charge for will storage
  • Preparation of a specialised wills are charged at a higher rate.

How does a lasting power of attorney work?

  • If you become unable to make decisions for yourself, you can choose a trustworthy individual as your lasting power of attorney (LPA) to make them on your behalf
  • There are two types: 1.) Health and welfare, and 2.) Finance
  • Ideally, we should all have lasting powers of attorney as this removes the need for friends and family members to make costly and time-consuming applications to the Court of Protection if we should lose the ability to make our own decisions

For more information about LPAs, click here.

If you have any questions or wish to seek advice on any issue concerning the writing of a will, management of an estate or lasting power of attorney, please call us on 01329 822 333.

Churchers Solicitors shortlisted for Law Firm of the Year - Medium category.

Local Churchers Solicitors has been shortlisted for the Law Society’s prestigious Excellence Awards, the highest accolade for law firms in England and Wales.

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Meet The Team - Arlene Bunting

Solicitor, Arlene Bunting, joined the Churchers team earlier this year. We asked her to tell us a bit more about who she is and what she does.

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Meet The Team - Sophie

Meet our new Marketing Assistant, Sophie!

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From Plastic to Paper

Following the recent investigation into the use of plastic and the environment, Churchers Solicitors have changed the way they use plastic.

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We’re proud to be associated with

  • The Law Society, Conveyancing Quality Accredited logo
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  • Solicitors For The Elderly Accredited logo
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text:
Wipro, Stibo Systems partner for Master Data Management solutions

Wipro and Stibo Systems will collaborate to offer Master Data Management (MDM) solutions and will also set up a MDM centre of excellence in Bangalore
US-India: Wipro Limited and Stibo Systems, a global multi-domain Master Data Management (MDM) solutions provider has announced a partnership that will see the two companies collaborate to offer Master Data Management (MDM) solutions.

This partnership is aimed at building trust-worthy data foundations to help joint customers derive accurate insights as they embrace digital transformation.

Wipro's deep expertise in end-to-end Analytics, Master Data Management (MDM) and Information Management (IM) solutions, across industries when combined with Stibo Systems’ Master Data Management solution, STEP Trailblazer, will widen the scope and value of solutions that can be offered to customers, worldwide.

Stibo’s STEP Trailblazer solution provides users with a powerful, editable grid-based view of product data, which facilitates the transfer of multiple items such as product families and variants while simultaneously performing crucial validation checks.

As part of this partnership, Wipro and Stibo Systems, will also set-up a state-of-the art MDM Center of Excellence (COE) in Bangalore that will showcase industry best practices, standards and guidelines that can be leveraged for customer projects.

“In an increasingly digital world, it is imperative that organizations implement a modern and, more importantly, proven, data and analytics strategy, that enables them to apply insight to actual business practices,” said Pallab Deb, Vice President & Global Head - Analytics, Wipro Limited.

“Wipro’s deep multi-domain MDM expertise combined with Stibo Systems’ leading master data management solution, will empower our customers by providing them with trusted information and insights, that can transform the way they conduct business,” added Deb.

“Stibo Systems consistently works with partners to foster innovation, which has translated into faster implementation times, increased ROI (return on investment) and overall greater business value for our customers,” said Andreas Lorenzen, President of Stibo Systems, North America.

"We value Wipro’s rich industry domain knowledge and technical expertise, and look forward to working together so to help our customers step up to the unique challenges they face when trying to grow their business and maximize their return on investment,” added Lorenzen.

Sponsored Stories


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This research note outlines what we know about the use of Hacking Team’s Remote Control System (RCS) by South Korea’s National Intelligence Service (NIS).  The note synthesizes information found in publicly leaked materials, as well as our own research.

The data available in the leaked Hacking Team files provides circumstantial evidence pointing to an interest in compromising individuals with ties to South Korea (i.e., Korean language speakers who use software or apps popular in South Korea, or South Korean editions of Samsung phones).

The leaked data alone cannot identify specific individuals targeted by NIS, nor prove misuse of the technology; further investigation and research is necessary to make those determinations.  Moreover, the presence of intrusion software does not necessarily equate to its misuse, as such software may be utilized by intelligence or law enforcement agencies in a manner that conforms with rule of law and democratic principles. We are releasing this report in order to assist with further investigation and research into South Korea’s use of Hacking Team.

본 연구노트는 한국 국정원의 해킹팀 RCS (Remote Control System) 사용에 관해 저희가 알고 있는 것을 개략적으로 기술한 것입니다. 노트에는 공개적으로 유출된 자료와 저희의 연구를 통해 발견된 정보가 함께 포함되어 있습니다.

중요한 것은, 유출된 해킹팀 파일에서 발견된 자료에는 국정원이 한국과 관련 있는 개인 (민간인) 들을 사찰하는 데 관심이 있었다는 정황적 증거들(사례 : 한국에서 대중적인 소프트웨어나 앱을 사용하는 한국어 사용자 또는 삼성의 내수용(한국 에디션) 스마트폰)이 포함되어 있다는 점입니다.

유출된 자료만으로는 국정원이 대상으로 삼은 특정인의 신원을 알 수 없으며, 해당 기술이 악용되었는지도 증명할 수 없습니다. 이를 확인하기 위해서는 추가적인 조사와 연구가 필요합니다. 또한 침입소프트웨어/해킹프로그램이 존재한다고 하여 악용되었을 것이라고 단정하기 어렵습니다. 정보기관이나 법집행기관이 이러한 프로그램을 적법한 절차와 민주적 원칙에 따라 사용할 수도 있기 때문입니다. 저희는 한국에서의 해킹팀 사용에 대한 추가적인 조사와 연구를 돕고자 본 보고서를 공개합니다.

The National Intelligence Service (NIS) is Korea’s main intelligence agency. It was founded in 1961 as the Korea Central Intelligence Agency (KCIA).1  The name and functions of the agency have evolved considerably over time.  Named the NIS in 1999, it has a three-part mandate: domestic security, national security, and counterintelligence operations against North Korea.2  Despite widely-reported reform efforts, the agency continues to face criticism for reported and perceived abuses of its power and mandate.3

Recent Scrutiny of NIS

The NIS has been scrutinized for misuse of its powers in a number of cases, which have been revisited in media coverage of the Hacking Team leaks.

In February 2015, a former NIS director was sentenced to three years in prison for ordering NIS agents to attempt to influence the 2012 presidential elections by posting negative comments about President Park Geun-hye’s rivals.4  Some of the 1.2 million comments that prosecutors say NIS agents posted accused President Park’s rivals of being pro-North Korean sympathizers.5  NIS denied interfering in the election, claiming that the agency’s online activities were solely directed at North Korea.6  Recently, the Supreme Court ordered a retrial in the case, as some evidence used to convict the former director was ruled inadmissible.7
Additionally, in 2005, a former deputy chief of NIS was arrested for illegal wiretapping.  The prosecutor in the case stated that the deputy chief may have attempted to destroy evidence in the case before his arrest.8

Previous Citizen Lab Report

In February 2014, Citizen Lab released a report entitled “Mapping Hacking Team’s ‘Untraceable’ Spyware,” which identified 21 suspected government users of Hacking Team’s RCS spyware, including South Korea.9  The report triggered limited media coverage in South Korea at the time.10

Current Scandal

On July 6, 2015, it became clear that Hacking Team had suffered a substantial compromise of its internal systems.11  Shortly thereafter, much of Hacking Team’s code, data, and communications were leaked into the public domain.  The material not only confirmed that South Korea was a customer of Hacking Team, but exposed substantial commercial interactions between Hacking Team and the “5163 Army Division,” whose mailing address matches that of the NIS,12 and is reported to be a codename of the NIS.13

Shortly after this revelation, an employee of the NIS reportedly committed suicide.  A note claimed he had deleted information regarding the NIS’s use of Hacking Team RCS,14 triggering nationwide interest in who the NIS was targeting.15  Lawmakers said that, in a closed-door meeting, the NIS admitted to purchasing Hacking Team spyware.16  A lawmaker in the Intelligence Committee of the National Assembly of the Republic of Korea disclosed that the NIS testified to the Committee that it had used Hacking Team spyware more than 200 times for counterespionage, and to track the North Korean arms trade.17

The NIS Purchases Hacking Team

According to the leaked files, a South Korean company called Nanatech introduced itself to Hacking Team in August 2010, claiming that it provided “support” in relation to “telecommunication equipments to domestic companies.”18  Nanatech was purportedly attempting to acquire solutions to monitor Skype on behalf of its customer,19 and noted that the customer was also interested in “monitoring the voice conversation on the mobile phone.”20  Nanatech stated that Hacking Team competitor Gamma Group, developer of FinFisher, was also dealing with its customer through another reseller.21

Notably, it appears that Nanatech never informed Hacking Team that its customer was NIS. In November 2010, Nanatech responded to Hacking Team queries pressing for more information on its customer22 with “About end-user: Our client is the research team of Army (named KINSTEL). I think you don’t have to worry about it,” which appeared to satisfy Hacking Team.23 Renewed exchanges in June 2011 also indicated the “army” as end user.24 In proceeding with the purchase, Nanatech specifically identified its customer to Hacking Team in November 2011 as the “5163 Army Division.”25 The mailing address that Nanatech provided for the Division matches that of the NIS,26 and “5163 Army Division” is reported to be a codename of the NIS.27 This obfuscation of customer identity raises significant questions regarding corporate due diligence and overall transparency in identifying end users of the spyware. Indeed, end user verification is often required by export licensing regimes.

In subsequent emails28 and in its customer list,29 Hacking Team also variously referred to the customer as “South Korea Army,” “SKA,” or “The Army South Korea.”

Nanatech organized a visit for two representatives from the customer, Sunny Han and Se-Hun Lee, and one person from Nanatech,30 to Hacking Team’s offices in Milan on 21-22 November 2011.31 Nanatech mentioned that they had managed to outmaneuver the competition, and arranged for the customer to meet with Hacking Team before any meeting with competitors Gamma International and Trovicor.32 After the meeting in Milan, Nanatech expressed that the customer wanted to rush to purchase Hacking Team’s RCS, claiming that they needed to spend their budget by 20 December 2011.33

Figure 1: Nanatech Offer #NA111214Q1.36

A letter of credit (#M03QY112GS0014) was issued for this offer,37 with delivery to be made to the “5163 site.” (See Figure 2 below.)

Figure 2: Excerpts from Letter of Credit issued for Offer #NA111214Q1.38

Delivery was completed and accepted by the “5163 Army Division.”39 (See Figure 3 below.) The license agreement for Hacking Team’s RCS spyware was signed by Sunny Han.40 (See Figure 4 below.)

Figure 3: Certificate of Acceptance in relation to Letter of Credit #M03QY112GS0014 from the “5163 Army Division.”41

Figure 4: Excerpts from License Agreement between Hacking Team and the “5163 Army Division.”42

The Korean customer purchased 10 additional target licenses in August 2012, for €57,600, allowing them to monitor a total of 20 targets simultaneously.43

On 6 December 2012, the Korean customer expressed interested in purchasing an additional 30 target licenses, which would have allowed it to monitor 50 targets at once.44 The purchase was apparently never completed, and it appears that no further target license purchases were initiated.

Targets in South Korea?

The data available in the leaked Hacking Team files provides circumstantial evidence pointing to an interest in compromising individuals with ties to South Korea (i.e., Korean language speakers who use software or apps popular in South Korea, or South Korean editions of Samsung phones). However, the leaked data does not identify the targets, or conclusively show whether these targets were inside or outside Korea.

Interest in Targeting South Korean-Edition Phones

The customer communicated with Hacking Team via the email accounts devilangel1004@gmail.com45 (“devilangel”) and  Devilangel filed several support tickets47,48,49,50 in August and September 2012 asking for support for call recording on “SHW-M series” (South Korean edition) Samsung phones, as well as, in one case, on “Galaxy S3 Chinese models.” Nanatech also contacted Hacking Team to ask for voice recording support for South Korean edition Galaxy 3 phones.51 In January 2013, Nanatech sent a South Korean edition Galaxy S3 to Hacking Team52 to help them support call recording.53 An August 2013 e-mail requests that Hacking Team test their Android exploit against South Korean edition phones.54

Interest in Targeting South Korean Software (KakaoTalk and AhnLab Anti-Virus)

Devilangel requested that Hacking Team test their solution against the latest version of South Korean company AhnLab’s antivirus program,5 as well as popular Chinese anti-virus programs, mentioning that they have “some targets in China.”56

According to a trip report filed by a Hacking Team employee who visited the Korean customer on 24 March 2014, the customer “asked about the progress of Kakao Talk which they mentioned is very commonly used in their country.”57 One of the “key takeaways” of the report was that “Kakao Talk is something which SKA is emphasising.”  The customer also requested support for voice and message recording on the PC versions of KakaoTalk and LINE (a chat application similar to KakaoTalk developed by LINE Corporation, a Japan-based company).58

KakaoTalk is a chat program developed and owned by the South Korea-based company Daum-Kakao. A May 2015 article notes that KakaoTalk is the most popular chat application used in South Korea and has 35 million users in the country, representing 70% of South Korea’s population of 50 million.59

KakaoTalk has previously been the target of government pressure. In 2014, President Park Geun-hye announced a crackdown on the spread of rumors online following criticism of how her administration handled the capsize of a South Korean ferry. As part of this crackdown, a South Korean student and an opposition politician involved in discussions and protests around the ferry incident were notified that law enforcement officials were given access to data from their KakaoTalk accounts.60

Interest in Deploying Spyware via OTA Updates and Wireless Networks

Nanatech also twice inquired about “over the air61 and Wi-Fi infections, mentioning they wanted to “remotely and forcibly ‘push’” the spyware “in a stealth manner onto the target’s device without his knowledge or cooperation.”62 The Korean customer expressed interest in Hacking Team’s TNI (Tactical Network Injector),63 a laptop that “provides everything needed in order to crack a WiFi network, join it, identify the interested target and deploy the RCS Agent.”64  The TNI can also create rogue WiFi networks, and can even work with wired networks given special infrastructure access. The Korean customer tested the TNI from April65 until July 2014, but ultimately decided not to purchase the TNI, citing issues including lack of reliable support for mobile phones.66

Use of Korean Bait Content

We identified several instances of the Korean customer using Korean language or Korea-themed bait content:

  • We observed a drive-by-download attack in 2014 that used a bait content file called “free korean movies.” (see: Attribution of “Drive-by-Download” Samples below)
  • In the leaked files, we found bait content including a file containing the names and phone numbers of Seoul University alumni in Southern California,67 and a file containing information pertaining to the sinking of the ROKS Cheonan,68,69 (and a Computer Science presentation about Machine Learning).70,71
  • One bait content link72,73,74 contained a picture showing the schedule for the 2015 Geumcheon Harmony Cherry Blossom Festival in Seoul, while another one contained a link to a blog about reviews of rice cake dishes at Korean restaurants.75,76,77,78
  • One bait content link contained a link to a Google app on the Google Play Store called “Google Korean Input.”79,80

Attribution of “Drive-by-Download” Samples

The leaked Hacking Team e-mails allowed us the opportunity to attribute several samples of Hacking Team RCS spyware that we previously observed:

SHA256: cbde6a113a54b8dcf122d9d879b7c21c8b03a89d792f49210bbe41e8466d121a

The command and control (C&C) server used in the sample is, which matches the C&C for numerous Android samples submitted by devilangel to Hacking Team for preparation of exploits. This sample was submitted to VirusTotal on 21 July 2014, and was submitted eight additional times to VirusTotal in the following month, including twice from Korea.81  This sample appears to have been served through a drive-by-download strategy, involving a file “x.js:”

SHA256: 8793d6eda87163b04a3db9251ff89b7c8a66500a4ed475c7026b5fc9a4c8abe9

On its own, the script causes an Internet Explorer user to see a popup asking them to authorize an ActiveX control. If the control is authorized, then the spyware is downloaded and executed.

We also found the following sample:

SHA256: 21e8d495bca60edc3b64ac970f9a9fa896d0eadc6491452ea937d64849b1f4a0

The sample was submitted to VirusTotal once on September 12, 2014,82 and was apparently served by the same drive-by-download javascript method. The C&C server is also

Analysis of Bait Content

According to the leaked documents, Hacking Team provides an exploit service to customers that requires that the customers transmit them basic information, including a bait document or link, and their monitoring agent.83 Depending on the type of request, Hacking Team then modifies the bait document to include an exploit to install the agent, or creates a URL that, when clicked, exploits the target’s web browser to install the agent. The exploits and agents are hosted on servers belonging to Hacking Team. Hacking Team sends the bait documents back to the customer, who can then send the booby-trapped bait document to targets to infect them.84  The leaked Hacking Team documents contain numerous customer requests to create exploit documents or links, often with bait content attached. In some cases, these bait documents or links speak to the interests, or identity, of potential targets.

Devilangel expressed concern about having to furnish Hacking Team with bait content used to infect victims, as the information “can be related with my target.”85 Hacking Team responded that they do not “retain any information about the files the customers send us” (note, however, we were able to identify many files sent by devilangel for infection) and suggested that devilangel choose a document “containing not so sensitive data.”86 Given devilangel’s concerns and Hacking Team’s advice, bait documents may have been chosen to minimize the link between the bait content and the target.

Devilangel’s exploit requests also sometimes included a statement as to whether the exploit would be used for “testing” or “real targets.” Below, we provide an overview of some common themes associated with the bait content and bait links submitted by devilangel to Hacking Team. We exclude any marked “testing:”

  • We describe Korean-themed bait content above (see: Use of Korean Bait Content).
  • Some of the bait content includes generic holiday greetings.  For example, “Happy New Year” messages, or Christmas greetings

Figure 5: A “Happy New Year!” bait document submitted by devilangel to create an exploit document.87

Figure 6: A “Christmas Blessing” e-card submitted by devilangel to create an exploit link.88

  • A number of pieces of bait content included medical themes, including a PowerPoint presentation about a Belfast cancer conference, and links about MERS89 and Avian Flu.90

Figure 7: A bait document about the 2015 National Cancer Intelligence Network (NCIN) Cancer Outcomes Conference submitted by devilangel to create an exploit document.91

  • Some bait content included tips for protecting online privacy, including one PowerPoint presentation called “Save you Privacy” and a Word document called “How to Access and Clear Your iPhone’s Web Browsing History.”

Figure 8: A bait document containing information about iPhone browsing history submitted by devilangel to create an exploit document.92

  • Some bait links involved Asian pornography, including a website featuring “only Chinese porn,”93 a page on a pornography website featuring a search for the term “chinese,”94 and a website called “Asian Porn Tube.”95,96

Exploit server Logs

The leaked Hacking Team data contains files “Exploit_Delivery_Network_android.tar.gz,” and “Exploit_Delivery_Network_windows.tar.gz,” which appear to contain detailed information about each exploit link or document generated by Hacking Team upon customer request (for May and June 2015), as well as details of which IP addresses clicked on each link (or opened each document), whether the exploitation was successful or not, which website directed each visitor to the exploit (if applicable), as well as the language and model of the phone (in some cases of Android exploits). The log information is in “var/www/files/[ID]/log.jsonl,” where “[ID]” is the six character alphanumeric ID assigned to the exploit by Hacking Team.

We present details on all clicks on Android exploit links below (we did not identify any Windows exploits requested by Hacking Team during this period). Hacking Team’s Android exploit involved a link sent to the target’s phone. If the target opened the link in the built-in Android web browser app, then the exploit may have installed Hacking Team’s RCS on their phone. Importantly, the list below excludes individuals who did not click on the link (as Hacking Team cannot record logs in this case):

ID Time97 IP Country Phone Locale Referer URL Hit?98
BBltjx99 6/29/2015 13:01:49 BG NX403A en-US No
BBltjx 6/29/2015 13:02:16 BG NX403A en-US No
bO47cc100 6/22/2015 11:24:22 BY SM-A500F No
BR2u9z101 6/22/2015 10:50:03 RU SM-G800H No
8CS48M102 6/18/2015 10:32:23 DE GT-I9103 ko-KR No
v9K0GQ103 6/18/2015 10:45:13 RU GT-I8190 ru-RU Yes
jAWxkt104 6/26/2015 01:33:51 CN G700-U00 zh-CN No
zuggfM105 6/17/2015 11:23:43 TH SM-G900F No
zuggfM 6/17/2015 11:28:25 TH SM-N910C No
zuggfM 6/17/2015 15:37:27 ID S5E en-US No
zEsa9i106 6/17/2015 10:55:09 TW SM-G900I No
vYLpBl107 6/18/2015 03:34:39 CN SAMSUNG-SM-N9008V_TD zh-CN No
8n3gio108 6/12/2015 12:01:41 ID GT-S7270 No
7ZSBlX109 6/4/2015 06:32:58 KR SHV-E250S ko-KR Yes
9hN2Zn110 6/1/2015 9:07:03 UG GT-I9100 ko-KR No
9hN2Zn 6/1/2015 9:14:43 UG SM-N900 No
uPz4mj111 6/17/2015 10:46:17 KR GT-N7100 en-PH Yes

South Korean Targets?

The data shows that there were two successful Android exploitations of phones with Korean IP addresses: one SK Telecom edition Galaxy Note 2 with SK Telecom IP address and Korean-Korea locale, one international Galaxy Note 2 with SK Telecom IP address and English-Phillippines locale. There was only one other successful exploit in May and June 2015: a Galaxy S3 Mini with a Russian IP address and Russian-Russia locale.

One individual with a Ugandan IP address, and one individual with a German IP address, clicked on the link with their locale set to “Korean-Korea.”

Command and Control and Exploit Infrastructure

Using referrer URLs in the exploit server logs, as well as domain names and IP addresses found in the Korean customer’s malware samples, we were able to characterize their Hacking Team infrastructure.

We start from the domain name, used in a referrer URL seen in the exploit logs. We assume that the Korean customer controlled, because this URL referred to the exploit requested from Hacking Team, and was not sent to them by Hacking Team. We further assume that the customer controlled the domain name, as the registration date of the domain (June 3, 2015) matches the date that devilangel requested the exploit112 that was clicked on with referring domain

We found the following registrant information for

Registrant Name:krystal Freeman
Registrant Organization:Co
Registrant Street: 136 Driftwood Road
Registrant City:CA
Registrant State/Province:CA
Registrant Postal Code:95129
Registrant Country:US
Registrant Phone:+1.14083799445
Name Server:NS4.ITITCH.COM
Name Server:NS3.ITITCH.COM
Name Server:NS2.ITITCH.COM
Name Server:NS1.ITITCH.COM

The name server suggests that the domain was registered with, a service for purchasing domain names and web hosting using Bitcoin.

We found two other domains registered with the same registrant email:

We plugged these domains, as well as, into PassiveTotal113 in order to identify other domains using the same IP address. PassiveTotal is an infrastructure analysis tool designed for security research. We found that resolved to, and two other websites resolved to this same address:, and

Figure 9: Excerpt of PassiveTotal results for

The initial registrant information for both domains was as follows:

Registrant Name: Leonard Freeman
Registrant Organization: N/A
Registrant Street: 1203 Grove Street
Registrant City: Bethpage
Registrant State/Province: New York
Registrant Postal Code: 11714
Registrant Country: US
Registrant Phone: +1.4194763271
Registrant Email:
Name Server:
Name Server:
Name Server:
Name Server:

The name server suggests that the domain was registered with, a service for purchasing domain names and web hosting using Bitcoin.

Note that the registrant name, “Leonard Freeman,” uses the same surname, “Freeman,” as the registrant for the previous three domains “Krystal Freeman.” The registrant email address for both domains was updated after July 8, 2015 (after the Hacking Team leak) to the following:

Registrant Name: Alexis
Registrant Organization: N/A
Registrant Street: 4403
Registrant City: Los Angeles
Registrant State/Province: California
Registrant Postal Code: 90017
Registrant Country: US
Registrant Phone: +1.9174849999
Registrant Email:

We plugged and into PassiveTotal, and found that these resolved to We found several other domains that resolved to this IP address:

We also checked registrant email addresses and phone numbers to find additional domains:

It is noteworthy that was registered on 8 April 2015, a day after devilangel requested Android exploits redirecting to “”.114 We provide a list of suspected domain names linked to the Korean customer below, including the domain names above, as well as domain names from RCS samples submitted by devilangel to Hacking Team, and RCS samples detected by Hacking Team on VirusTotal and attributed to the same customer:

The domain names above were associated with the following e-mail addresses:

We also identified the following IP addresses associated with the Korean customer’s infrastructure:

It also appeared that the Korean customer’s exploits were served from the following IP addresses, which may belong to Hacking Team, and thus have also been used to serve exploits for other Hacking Team customers:

In our 2014 report, “Mapping Hacking Team’s ‘Untraceable’ Spyware,” we identified the following IP addresses associated with the South Korean customer:

Conclusion and Further Investigation

We have outlined circumstantial evidence indicating that NIS was interested in targets with links to South Korea, and in two cases infected devices belonging to “real targets” inside South Korea.

The leaked data alone cannot identify specific targets. Thus, we presented some technical data regarding the NIS’s Hacking Team RCS command and control infrastructure, which may be useful in further investigation.

We briefly outline some promising avenues for further investigation:

  • First, obtaining DNS logs over the past year associated with the domains and would be very helpful, as this would reveal IP addresses of infected devices.
  • Second, organizations or institutions that run Intrusion Detection Systems should check their logs for hits on the IP addresses and domain names provided herein.
  • Third, groups focused on testing should scan the e-mail accounts of potential targets, as well as their SMS message logs, WAP push message logs, and logs of any other mobile messaging apps, for any e-mails or messages containing the domain names we identified (or any links, such as Tinyurl links, that unshorten to these domains), and any attachments matching Hacking Team’s exploits or spyware.
  • Finally, if NIS initiated their Bitcoin domain name purchases from a single address, it may be possible to trace NIS’s Bitcoin address by searching the Blockchain using the registration times associated with the domains. Tracing NIS’s Bitcoin address could illuminate further elements associated with their C&C architecture.

12 See “서울 서초우체국 사서함 200호” on, which matches “Seocho P.O Box 200, Seocho-dong, Seocho-gu, Seoul, Korea” on
26 See “서울 서초우체국 사서함 200호” on, which matches “Seocho P.O Box 200, Seocho-dong, Seocho-gu, Seoul, Korea” on
28 See, e.g.,;;;
36 Source: “Price_1214-1[1].pdf” extracted from “Price_1214-1[1].zip” in e-mail: The attachment is unavailable on WikiLeaks. The password to extract the .zip file is “ejopenit” (without quotes).
38 Source: “LC.pdf” extracted from “” in e-mail: The attachment is unavailable on WikiLeaks. The password to extract the .zip file is “ejopenit” (without quotes).
41 Source: “certificate of acceptance.pdf” extracted from “certificate of” in e-mail The attachment is unavailable on WikiLeaks. The password to extract the .zip file is “ejopenit” (without quotes).
42 Source: “software license agreement.pdf” extracted from “software license” in e-mail The attachment is unavailable on WikiLeaks. The password to extract the .zip file is “ejopenit” (without quotes).
46 See “My googletalk id for communication is smiolean” in
64 Source: “TNI Datasheet.docx” in e-mail
97 This reflects the time of the initial click (i.e., the time in the log of the request for “/fwd”).
98 This reflects whether there is a log entry for the “.apk” file for the IP, indicating that the Hacking Team RCS was installed.
118 Shares IP address with and, according to PassiveTotal.
119 C&C server for newer RCS samples, e.g.,


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- Vietnam City Tours

Quality Rating by 56 reviews
Call: +1 (559) 922-2468 – Ext 1
Hotline: +84.989.383.767
Tam Giang Lagoon - Hue day trip
Tam Giang Lagoon - Hue City tour
Sunset over Tam Giang Lagoon - Hue day tour
Tam Giang Lagoon - day trip from Hue
Phuoc Tich Pottery - Hue day tour
Phuoc Tich Pottery Village - Hue city tour

Designed to capture the real essence of Hue, an excursion to Phuoc Tich Pottery Village is quite a fascinating introduction to one of the National Heritages of Vietnam. This tour helps you catch many unforgettable memories of walking around to visit old houses and historical sites of the village. You can also collect many interesting experiences by visiting the pottery exhibition house and exploring the local way of making ceramic products.

tour price
Pax 123456 More than 6
Price/adult 1417961554843 Contact us
  • Children under 5 years old: free of charge
  • Children from 5 to 10 years old: 70% adult's rate
  • Children above 10: full adult's rate.
Exchange rate: 1 USD = 23.370 VND

Our guide will pick you up at your hotel in Hue city at around 8:30 and then we head to Phuoc Tich Pottery Village. Arriving at Phuoc Tich, we will first take a walk along the village to visit the old houses and some historical sites of the village. After that, we will enjoy the boat trip on O Lau River before having lunch and a short rest at an ancient house.

After lunch break, we will continue the visit to portery exhibition house and experience the local way of making ceramic products. Don't forget to bring your camera for nice photo shots during this trip! The Hue trip will finally end at your hotel in the city center at around 17:00.

Hue Center

Hue Center - Hue City

Looking ancient and bashful like a charming and graceful girl, Hue has become an endless aspiration source for Vietnam literature.

Phuoc Tich Pottery Village

Phong Dien Dist. - Hue City

Lying silently next to ancient 500- year-old Hue, Phuoc Tich Pottery Village is noted nationwide for its craft of making pottery. Coming here, tourists have chance to not only behold various pottery wares but also enjoy the beautiful nature.

O Lau River

Phong Hoa, Phong Dien - Hue City

Embracing the whole Phong Dien district, O Lau River has long become a legend of Vietnam history, bringing the hero song inside it. Take a boat along the O Lau river and witness the daily activities of the local will leave you unforgettable moments.

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News Flash

Posted on: December 21, 2017

Tips for Proper Disposal of Christmas Trees

December 21, 2017 – When you’re ready to wrap up the holiday season, dispose of your Christmas tree by placing it at the curb on your weekly refuse collection day.

Tree collection will begin January 2 and end January 12 on your regular refuse day.  After January 12, the City of Midland will collect Christmas trees during residents’ once-a-month heavy item and brush collection week.  The tree should be free of ornaments, garland, and tinsel.  Residents should also remove plastic tree bags used to cover the tree as it is removed from the house.

Christmas trees are recycled into wood chips at a City compost site.

For those who would like to keep their tree, prop it up in your backyard where it will serve as shelter for birds and animals during the winter months. Afterwards, the tree can be disposed of on your once-a-month heavy refuse collection day.

For questions or further information on Christmas tree collection, contact the Department of Public Services at 989-837-6900.

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Posts published by Richard Morgan

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In a Tale of the Nation’s First Spy Ring, a Spotlight on Colonial New York

Before it was the wonder city of eight million stories, New York in the autumn of 1776 was just 25,000 strong. Under indomitable British occupation – indeed, New York was the colonial headquarters of the British military – it was at a hinge in its history.

Just a few years later, George Washington’s presidential inauguration took place on Wall Street, and, as president, he lived in a four-story house on Cherry Street on what is now the Lower East Side. New York was vital to the nation’s infancy and yet, in schoolhouse synopses of the war, the city is largely overlooked.

Now AMC, the cable television channel that is home to the award-winning “Mad Men,” a portrayal of 1960s New York, on Sunday will debut “Turn,” a dramatization of the true tale of the Culper Ring, a band of Long Island friends — men and women — who made up what is considered the nation’s first spy ring.

"Turn," a new show on AMC, tells the story of the Culper Ring, a band of Long Island friends who made up the nation’s first spy ring. Here, production sketches and the set representing Setauket, N.Y.Credit Photographs by Caroline Hanania/AMC

Read more…

A Salute Not to the Yankees, but to Their Logo

A medal awarded to a New York City police officer in 1877, and designed by Tiffany & Co., was eventually the inspiration for the New York Yankees' logo.

Credit The New York City Police Museum

For only the second time in 19 years, the Yankees are out of the playoffs before the postseason has even begun. Phew. Now I can finally wear my Yankees cap.

Here’s the thing: I love the Yankees’ logo, but couldn’t care less about the team. It’s not that I object to a $1.85 billion franchise with a $230 million opening-day payroll. And I’m not a Mets or Red Sox fan. I just don’t care all that much about baseball.

But, that logo. This is not where I segue into some screed on graphic design, gushing about serifs or kerning. The logo is just flat-out quintessential, distilled, pure New York.

It was designed by Tiffany & Co. as part of a silver shield-shaped Medal of Valor depicting a woman placing a laurel wreath on a policeman’s head. It also contained the by-now-familiar interlocking letters “NY.” The medal was given to John McDowell, a New York police officer shot in the line of duty, in 1877, one year after the National League was formed.

In 1903, when the American League moved the Baltimore Orioles to 168th Street and Broadway for a season, they were dubbed “The Highlanders,” because, in those days, 168th was the nosebleed section of the city. Read more…

A Fighter for Tenants Relaces Her Gloves

Doris Diether, who was once involved in a campaign against Robert Moses, is now fighting with Babbo, the Italian restaurant that she shares a block with in the West Village.

Credit Nicole Bengiveno/The New York Times

It was 1959, and a painter and actress from Greenwich Village posted an “open letter to the people of New York” around Manhattan, warning that a plan by the formidable Robert Moses, then the city parks commissioner, jeopardized Shakespeare in the Park. Moses eventually dropped the plan. At the top of the letter, which Doris Diether still keeps, appear the handwritten words “start of my civic career.”

Soon, Ms. Diether joined Manhattan’s Community Board 2, a platform she used to become kind of a one-woman shame squad against crooked landlords, reckless renovators and haughty developers all over the city.

In the Village, she called Jane Jacobs to tip her off about preservation battles. She helped extract from Mayor Robert Wagner a promise that E. E. Cummings would not be evicted from his low-rent apartment on Patchin Place. She persuaded a young lawyer named Ed Koch to represent six women who were facing illegal eviction and marched into a gentleman’s club with the women to confront the landlord, she said.

Ms. Diether, still on the community board at age 84, has grown frail. But in late February, for the first time in perhaps 10 years, she paid a visit Read more…

‘Bombshell’ Doesn’t Exist, but Its Songs Are Real Hits

At the Monster, a bar in Greenwich Village, Phil Kadet played the piano and Paul Hagen, in checked shirt, sang along with other customers.Credit Richard Perry/The New York Times

On any given night at Marie’s Crisis, a cozy singalong piano bar in Greenwich Village, the pianist can be reliably counted on to deliver a fistful of standards. Songs made famous by Broadway royalty — Barbra, Liza, Patti — come out to play.

But lately, a more unlikely set of ballads has crept into the mix at Marie’s Crisis and countless other piano bars and karaoke lounges. Unlikely, because the inspiration is an apocryphal musical that has never been performed on Broadway.

The songs are from “Bombshell,” a musical based on Marilyn Monroe’s life, but one that exists only in NBC’s “Smash,” a drama about putting together a musical. Read more…


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Personal Style With Stroller In The City

A post shared by Cladwell (@cladwellapp) on

Personal style can feel like a label, but your personal style is actually just made up of the clothes you LOVE. Brianne from Stroller In The City tells us about her's! And as we discuss it further, Brianne describes her favorite, go-to pieces in her wardrobe all as interchangeable, neutral and they all easily intertwine with the rest of her closet. That's why we love our capsule wardrobes—they include all of our favorite things, while working hand-in-hand from one piece to the next.

How to use the Outfits App to help you learn more of your own personal style:

Take a look at:
1) The top colors from your closet.
2) Types of items you’re most drawn to.
From there, what’s missing? These may be holes in your wardrobe! The app gives you stats on how often you wear things and/or how little you don't. Sometimes numbers are what you need to show you how much you really love an item, or remind you it's time to let something go.


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A moment of stark beauty from an enthralling artist...
'Pleasure' artwork

Across her nearly two-decade run, there’s always been the prevailing sense that Leslie Feist makes music by and large for her own betterment.

Pep talks, mantras, admissions and regrets dot the margins of Feist’s winding path like snake holes in the grass, with each memo to self etching a further entry in her very public diary. Even while briefly gracing the dizzying heights of pop stardom, iPod Nano commercials and all, Feist never passed up the opportunity to lay herself bare, bravely ripping off band aids concealing the unformed scabs of past relationships and allowing the invading air to slowly but surely turn hurt into healing.

On ‘Pleasure’, the Canadian songstress continues to explore the depths of her ennui without ever permitting herself to succumb to despair. Around every corner, there’s something hopeful to latch on to, and considering the tenderness and sincerity that make ‘The Reminder’ one of the most memorable records of the 2000s, it’s baffling to think that she has outdone herself here, producing what is her most intimate work yet.

Disarrayed and delicately imperfect, ‘Pleasure’ sees Feist forego the sterility of hyper-clean production and instead opt for a sound that’s steeped in dissonance. Rarely have her songs been as unpredictably structured as they are here, with fine details revealing themselves with adequate patience and attention.

This primate energy is instantly striking on the barren yet deceptively intricate title track, eventually carrying over into the inviting rainy day warmth of ‘I Wish I Didn’t Miss You’, with the latter rivalled in melancholy only by the hypnotising and gorgeous climax of ‘Lost Dreams’. An audible hiss populates much of the record, which with a little imagination, gives way to the illusion of temporarily inhabiting the same dimly-lit room as Feist herself.

For all its rawness, ‘Pleasure’ also comes off as remarkably deliberate at times: ‘Any Party’ is adorned with the sounds of slamming screen doors and barking dogs, distant trains, indistinct conversations, and even a passing car blasting the title-track, all combining to create a warm, milky roux of urban bliss. Then there’s the snippet of Mastodon’s ‘High Road’ that’s strangely tacked onto the end of ‘A Man Is Not His Song’, not to mention the expanses of empty space on ‘Get Not High, Get Not Low’ that interrupt loose, muffled drumming in what is an ode to finding comfort and balance in emotional neutrality.

Feist’s vocals are consistently in top form, flushed and dazzling on ‘The Wind’ as well as the stripped-down and soft-spoken triumph of ‘Baby Be Simple, while a sinister synth does all the talking on ‘Century’ in the wake of Jarvis Cocker’s seconds-hours-days scaling of an endlessly grim night. Following the bluesy grit of ‘I’m Not Running Away’, ‘Pleasure’ then concludes with the organ-led affirmation of ‘Young Up’, which arrives frontloaded with a formidable existential dagger: “When they cart me away, will they say that I died already years ago?”

Perhaps it really is better to burn out than to fade away, but judging by the evidence at hand, Feist won’t have to worry about becoming irrelevant any time soon. The long-awaited follow-up to 2011’s ‘Metals’ is a stunning and progressive recalibration, bearing all the marks of someone who, older and wiser, has painstakingly learned how to take the curveballs in stride, reframing them as uncontrollable consequences of being alive, rather than the self-inflicted body blows they may have posed in the past. Emerging from the murk and into the new-found quiet of middle age, Feist’s ‘Pleasure’ is a document of stark beauty that’s entirely and unequivocally her own.

Words: Noveen Bajpai

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text:
Davia Steinberg

Davia Steinberg

Doctoral Student in Clinical Psychology
Research Fellow at the Merrill Palmer Skillman Institute for Children and Families

Curriculum Vitae

Davia Steinberg

Research Interest/Area of Expertise

  • Adolescent development including activity engagement as a protective factor for at-risk youth, romantic and sexual relationships, and developmentally informed interventions that promote resilience among violence exposed youth.

Education – Degrees, Licenses, Certifications

  • B.A., Psychology, University of Michigan, Ann Arbor, 2012
  • M.A., Clinical Psychology, Wayne State University, Detroit, 2016

Courses taught

  PSY 1010, Introductory Psychology Laboratory, Fall 2014 and Winter 2015


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Posted in Addiction, adventure, alcoholism, anxiety, Blogging, Depression, faith, family, Goals, Life, Mental Health, Musings, recovery, twelve step

Reflecting on After The Party

party's over

Did you know that I have been writing this blog for 6 years now?

Sure, I haven’t been consistent…I mean, this blog is a lot like my real life in that way. As true to form as could be, I have been sporadic, I can’t follow a theme, I don’t stick to the subject at hand. I guess that is the one way I am consistent- by being totally inconsistent. Well, dammit. Now I’ve said the word “consistent” so many times that it’s started to sound weird to me.

Anyway, here it is. I have pretty much laid out my life and my truth here through a lot of shit over the past six years. I struggled mightily with my addiction, and I kept writing through it. I told on myself, sometimes I tried to make it look prettier than it was, sometimes I thought I’d succeeded, and then…looking back, the truth is pretty clear to me, what a mess I was. I don’t know if I had anyone else fooled. It doesn’t really matter.

What matters is that I kept going. That, throughout all of those years, I never stopped trying and I never lost hope. I was scared sometimes…I lost my mind many times, and lost myself, but I somehow never totally lost hope. I knew that I could do it, I just knew that I could. And look at me now…three years and some change into this latest foray into recovery, here I sit, still clean, still hanging in there.

It looks nothing like I thought that it would. In some ways, it is so much better, and in other ways, it’s just…underwhelming. It’s just life. I don’t wake up every single day ecstatic that I am not using drugs anymore, over the moon that I get to be sober another day. I wake up and wonder why I can’t seem to get my laundry folded, or why “other people” (whoever they may be) have their shit together so much more completely than I do. This is REAL life…and real life is not an Instagram feed or the things we post on Facebook, it’s not even the happy face we put on for the world. Real life is not the highlight reel, it is the piles of shit on the kitchen table, the lost keys, the sitting on the toilet and realizing there is no toilet paper and there’s no one home to yell to for help. Real life is what is happening to everyone, all the time, around and through all the beautiful moments. Because I am clean, I get to be a part of that.

But because I wasn’t clean for so long, I am still, even at 43, even with all this time clean now, adjusting to this reality. I am also dealing with the weird personality tics- such as: low self-esteem, poor coping skills, boundary issues, people pleasing, isolating tendencies, anxiety and probably a little depression thrown in to spice up the pot- that most likely led me to going all in with my addiction in the first place.

Basically, I thought that getting clean would be the solution to all of my problems. What I have learned is that getting clean was the first major obstacle I had to clear to start dealing with a bunch of other problems. My addiction is just a symptom of other, much more deeply rooted bullshit. And now I am trying to fix myself.

This past few years have been HARD. But, on the flip side of that, they have also been, hands down, the best years of my adult life. Easily. I mean, I could just cry thinking about it. I have healed so many relationships that were deeply wounded. I am so close with my mom, and so incredibly close with my daughters. I can look anyone in the eye, at any time, and not feel ashamed of who I am. I have stopped being so angry. I have learned how to hear myself, sometimes even before I speak, and my words don’t have to hurt people anymore. Because I am not in pain on a deep, soul-level anymore, I don’t have to lash out and make sure everyone around me is hurting, too. On the contrary, I spend a lot of my time trying to show the people I love that I love them. I think about ways I can make their lives better. And if you understand addiction at all, if you’ve been there yourself or if you’ve witnessed the destruction wrought by an addict that you love, you understand how monumental that is. I no longer hurt or destroy everything that I touch.

I no longer hurt or destroy everything that I touch…I needed to say that again. Because I don’t ever want to be that person again, and yet, even knowing what I know, I have been STRUGGLING lately. I have wanted to give up. To quit being in recovery, to quit going to meetings, to just have one fucking little drink. Because I want to relax. Because I feel like I need something outside of myself to help me let go a little bit. Because alcohol was never a problem for me, so why can’t I just have a glass of wine? Or a beer? Or maybe a shot of tequila for old times sake? I just want to be NORMAL.

But you know what? I am not “normal” in the way I think of normal being, and I know this. I know that if I have a drink, it might be just a drink for now…but eventually, it would turn into something far bigger than I could even try to control. And you know, next time, I might not be so lucky. I might not make it back. So, here I am, reminding myself of one of the overused but oh-so-appropriate NA sayings…just for today. Just for today, I can not drink, right? I don’t have to think about forever, or even tomorrow. Just today. I know I can do that.

I started this blog because I wanted to write something funny and relate-able and real that other people in my position could find themselves in. I wanted it to be a success story, and an inspiration, and most of all, I wanted to be honest. I think I have done that. I’m not about to stop now, whether 500 people are reading, or only two. My life isn’t always pretty or fun, but I can promise you that it has been much, much more meaningful after the party ended. And let’s be honest- the party was over long before I ever found my way home.

Posted in Depression, faith, Goals, health, inner peace, Life, Mental Health, mindfulness, People, women

A Good Day

good day
picture credit: Cloudy Thurstag via Google images. What a great illustration!

Yesterday, I had a really good day. I could feel it coming, I knew I was building up to it, but…to be honest with you, I was nervous. It’s been a while since I’ve had an excellent day- I let myself slide a little too far down the path of doom and gloom, and was finding it hard to pull myself out. So I was worried that I was about to suffer another false start, take one step forward and fall ten steps back.

I swear to you, when I get all out of sorts- low spirited and glum- it feels like it takes an act of God or a very specific alignment of planets to set me back on my feet. Of course, this isn’t true, but…what it really takes is me finding the will and determination to do what makes me feel better, and sometimes that is even harder to scrounge up than a miracle. Or at least it seems that way.

But honestly, I’ve had enough. I’ve just had enough of my own moping and whining, saying I want to feel better then doing almost anything I can think of to court my own depression- it’s like I pursue the exact thing I don’t want. How? By continuing to sit. By too much napping. By eating poorly. By refusing to exercise. By isolating myself. By not giving enough effort to my work, or to the things I love, such as writing my novel. In the midst of my little black cloud, these things seem impossibly hard, and yet…it’s still my responsibility to try. It’s my life we are talking about here. It’s kind of important. And lets be real- in the past 11 months, 3 more people that I love have left this planet forever. When I pray in the morning, the list of people I need to send love to in heaven is growing so long that I struggle to remember all the names. We don’t have infinite time here on this gorgeous little planet. We have this moment, and nothing more is guaranteed. So, for me, living unhappily seems so wasteful. And furthermore, when I am feeling shitty, I am thinking mostly about myself. It would be so nice to stop worrying about me, and start shining the light outside of myself a little bit. I think that alone would make me happier.

Well, I’m getting there. I’ve started journaling, in an effort to more accurately track my true mental and emotional state, since it’s really hard to rely on memory for such a thing. I’ve been reading a lot about the benefits of keeping a journal, and it’s very encouraging. Yesterday, I woke up, and I just knew that it was the day- today was the day that I was going to check all the boxes. And I did. I did my prayer and meditation, I worked on my novel, I showered and Cam got her hair washed before daycare, and I worked really hard at my job all day. I ate three home-cooked, nutritious meals, and I didn’t snack in between, I walked my dog, I left the TV off. I wrote in my journal in the morning and before bed. I WENT TO THE GYM! This was the first time I walked through those doors in two months, and the dread I felt on my way was nearly palpable. Why? I have no idea why. The minute I jumped on the elliptical, I felt euphoric. It felt so good to be taking care of myself again!

Listen, I know that not every day will be like that one. I know there will be days when I can’t fit all the things in that I would like, or that I will be unable to hit some of my goals- there will be days when some boxes go unchecked. I know that I need to accept that, and not allow a bad day, or a string of bad days, derail me completely. Maybe I need to stop labeling them as “bad days” and “good days”. I’m hoping, through keeping a journal, that I will be able to see that every day has something good in it. I believe this to be true, and that I just have a hard time remembering that sometimes. But for now, I needed that excellent, really good day so bad! Here’s to keeping the ball rolling!

And may you have an EXCELLENT, beautiful, really good, damn near perfect day. You deserve it!

Posted in advice, anxiety, Depression, faith, health, inner peace, Life, magic, manifestation, meditation, Mental Health, mindfulness, People, spirituality, the occult

Just DO it.

just do it
Thanks, Nike.

Early, early this morning, because it was a full moon and I am not a night person in ANY way, I did a little candle ritual to get rid of this negative energy that’s been clinging to me like a second skin lately. I also saged myself and my house, and left all my crystals outside to charge in whatever glimpse they might have gotten of the moon through the thick fog that blankets the coast in the summer months. Yeah, I do all of that stuff. I’ve been listening to podcasts about magic and manifestation (they aren’t all that different, to be honest), I’ve been reading books about mindfulness and journaling. I also started taking magnesium, because I’ve heard it is effective at easing depression. I’ve seen my therapist, I’ve gone to meetings, I’ve reached out to friends. In short, I have used almost every weapon in my arsenal to yank myself out of this funk I have been in. There are two things that I haven’t done- well, one, as of yesterday- and they are these: Take TRUE action and take medication. I don’t happen to have any medication laying around to take, obviously, but I am not averse to doing such a thing- going to my doctor and saying “Hey, nothing I am doing is working. I need some help.”, but I will tell you this, it is the very last thing I ever want to do. I’ve been lucky so far and it hasn’t come to that, but rest assured, if it did, I would do what I needed to do. I would never shame someone for needing that kind of help. Depression is an endless-seeming nightmare, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Everyone I’ve spoken to about the way I’m feeling inevitably asks the same question- “Why are you depressed? What’s wrong?” And it is almost funny, but not really, because…seriously? That isn’t how depression works. And I don’t know. There’s nothing wrong, nothing has changed, I just feel awful and I can’t shake it. Trust me, I’m TRYING.

Taking TRUE action though, the other thing I hadn’t done until yesterday, I know isn’t an option for everyone who is clinically depressed. I don’t think that’s what I am, although I certainly have potential (the one instance where not living up to my potential is a good thing!). I am more like…lightly depressed. A salad with a side of depression. Still showering, still getting dressed when necessary, just really upset about having to do those things. So, for ME, I know that if I can just get myself moving, I will probably feel better. Only I don’t want to do that. I want to sit here, in my robe, with my hair in a fraying braid, eating ice cream out of the container and watching “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” with the blinds closed.

My daughter called me the day before yesterday, and I huffily paused my show to take her call. She asked how I was, and I told her the truth. This kid, she has struggled with depression off and on for years, and she had some advice for me. I told her “I just keep thinking ‘tomorrow will be better, tomorrow will be better’  but it’s the same thing!” and she goes “mom, you can’t do that- you have to just get up and make yourself do something- I even wrote it on my dry erase board-‘JUST DO IT’, and I look at it all the time. It really helps!”

Of course, I rolled my eyes (she couldn’t see me) and said “I know you’re right, I will.” with absolutely no intention of doing any such thing. Later that night I messaged a friend of mine- “I really need to get my shit together. I can’t go on like this.” I went to bed, and in the morning, I read his response: “Just do it, then.”

As woo-woo as I am, you won’t find it hard to imagine that I strongly believe in synchronicity, and messages from the Universe coming through in any way that they can. Just Do It. From two people who care about me, two people who couldn’t be more unlikely to have conspired behind my back to get this through to me.

Fine, then.

Yesterday, after work, instead of slipping into my couch-coma as I am wont to do, I grudgingly put my shoes on and ordered my small child and my dog into the car. I drove to the beach, and I grudgingly got out of the car, ordered my whining child and super excited dog out of the car, and trudged morosely up the hill and over the dunes. It was freezing cold and super windy, and for some reason, by the time we made it down to the water, both of us humans were smiling. The dog was smiling the entire time, of course. We didn’t go far or stay long, but that wasn’t the point. The point was just to do it. By the time we got back to the car, my ears hurt like hell from the cold wind, but I felt…alive. As if I were actually existing inside my body and life, rather than from somewhere outside of it.

We went to Petsmart, bought some dog shampoo and a big bone for Lucy, and when we got home I gave her a bath. She hasn’t had a bath in several months- the only one who hates her bath more than I do is her- but I was bound and determined to do it, and I did. She was such a good girl- she got right into her little tub and lay down, and I used a pitcher to rinse the filth off of her. When she was done, I dried her with a towel, and she pranced around, feeling pretty, the way dogs do after a bath. Five seconds before she went and rolled in the dirt out back. Goddammit.

The point here is, I did some things. And after I’d done them, I felt better. I took myself out to dinner, alone, and had a smashing time. I was in bed by nine, and that’s okay, too. So now, my job is not to lose my momentum. I’m not out of the woods yet. As soon as I hit publish on this bad boy, I’m throwing on some yoga pants and heading out for a little while- back to the beach, and then to a meeting.

Do I believe in my candle rituals and manifestation boards and crystal energy? Do I believe that my prayers are heard and that meditation helps, and that talking about what is wrong matters? YES. I believe all of that. But I also believe that we need to meet the Universe, meet God, meet whoever or whatever is out there halfway. Whether that means asking our doctor for help with our brain chemistry, or getting up and out of the house, putting away the ice cream and opening the blinds- that’s a personal decision. We can’t just wait for miracles to fall out of the sky.

So…just do it. Whatever it is. Sorry, Nike, I’m borrowing your catchphrase,

Posted in faith, family, kids, Life, Musings, People, random, Uncategorized

Discord and Darkness

I’m struggling with my work today, and it’s due to a sense of increasing overwhelm and despair. A friend of mine died yesterday, ANOTHER friend of mine, and he was way too young. There are children being torn away from their parents in my country, which is currently being run by what seems to me like the Antichrist himself, and all of the many minions an Antichrist could ever need. On social media, people are either heartbroken and sickened over the direction our country is headed, or defensive and sickening. Discord is everywhere. Things are Not Good.

I think a lot. Probably too much. But some of those thoughts are helpful, and those are the ones I want to share today.

1.) Save your outrage. Save it up for something worthwhile. I figured out a while ago that it might feel good to get it all out on your Facebook page, but it doesn’t do any good there. Find a place to put it where it helps. Email your state representative (I did this today, and it was super easy), find an organization you can align yourself with, donate money or time. Channel that outrage into something productive.

2.) Step back. You can only know so much before it’s too much. At a certain point, you may find yourself reading the same bad news four or five times, or a slightly different version of it. I decided today that it’s time for me to get off the social media circus for a while, maybe even just for the rest of the day, maybe longer. My energy is not needed there. It helps no one, and it hurts me. I am not strong enough to not read the awful comments, I’m not smart enough to know when to shut up. So I need to be in charge of myself, and step back.

3.) This one is the most important: Love your life right this very second. Love that you are upright and breathing, and love every part of you that works. Love your shitty car, and your too-round middle, and your dog who thinks the bathroom garbage is his personal snack tray. Love your irritating kids and your boring job, find something to love about every part of your beautiful life. Because we are truly blessed, to live in this time, and to have what we do. And one day, it’s all going to stop. One day, there will be no more of any of it. And we don’t get to know when that day is. So fill your life with all the joy you can muster, right now. Don’t wait.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again- this world needs all the light it can get. Shine as brightly as you know how.

Posted in adventure, faith, inner peace, Life, meditation, Musings, psychic abilities, spirit, spirituality, the occult

Something Wild is Afoot

art of the feminine
Artist: Emily Balivet

There is something strange and beautiful going on with me…I don’t know what in the world it is, but I am not even going to try to fight it. As a matter of fact, all I want to do is dive into it, explore it, see what this thing is that is calling to me. I’m going to try to explain it to you, and then you will probably think I am losing my mind, but I don’t know…to me, it feels much more like I am finding my place than losing anything.

I think it might have started a few weeks ago, when I caught sight of my (much maligned) nude body in the mirror. For maybe the first time in forever, I thought “Oh, wow, I’m actually pretty sexy!” Which is so strange, considering that I mostly tell myself what a mess I am. But, I caught myself off guard, and those were the words that popped into my head. You know, we are so conditioned, as women, to seek this crazy ideal of perfection in our bodies, and…I mean…I’m 43. I’ve given birth to two daughters. I don’t think I’ve ever seen evidence of an abdominal muscle in my body, EVER, not even at my thinnest. But I am also allowed to be sexy. Even if it feels almost embarrassing to commit those words to “paper” right now. This is what I thought, and how I felt, and I stand by it.

Then, I began this whole campaign to see my life with new eyes, to find the beauty and the joy and the magic in all of it. To really start my day with great intention, to meditate and be centered, to have my eyes open, to bring happiness to others whenever possible. In other words, and this just hit me right this very second, but to stop living as if there was something wrong that I needed to fix, and to start living in all that was already right. I honestly did not realize that was the shift that was happening until I was writing this. Which makes sense why this next thing happened:

So, as I meditated the other morning, I began to focus on my breathing. As I did so, it was as if I were separate from my body, observing my body breathing. Suddenly, I was filled with this crazy, tender, loving admiration for this body of mine. That it did everything I needed it to do to keep me alive, without me even having to think about it, every single day for 43 years now! My God! What a miracle. I had a memory then, of myself as a little girl of maybe six, sitting in the bathtub with my knobby little knees and pale skin, and I realized…that was the same body that I have right now. It has been with me through everything, and it still did everything for me. I’m not kidding, I know how silly this sounds, but even writing about it right now, I am getting tears in my eyes. For the first time in my life, maybe, I just feel this deep love for my body. If you are a woman, especially, you will understand what a mind blowing experience this must have been. I have never felt this way so deeply before. I’m so grateful! Because somewhere along the way, I got the idea that it was okay and normal to dislike my body…and that is so backwards and wrong. Our bodies literally keep us alive. I just can’t hate a part of myself like that, not anymore.

And then…and this is where it gets really weird…I started feeling this urge to build an altar. Like, I didn’t know what for, exactly, only that I wanted to honor this spiritual shift that was happening in me, and I didn’t know quite how to do it. So I ordered some books, and I thought it out…started looking into Paganism and Wicca and straight up Witchcraft (which isn’t what you think, unless you really know) and I just got more and more excited. Turns out, I already had an altar…my little shelves of Tarot card, bits of bone, rocks I love, feathers, sage, little statues that called to me…hello! Guess what that is? Yep, totally an altar. So today, I will be moving it into a more prominent spot in my living room, so that I can meditate there and really explore what it is that is happening with me.

Yesterday, my meditation was full of the most lush, incredible things- pictures that flashed behind my eyes and faded, one into another: Falling flowers, tangled, green vines, starry skies and still ponds, lotus flowers, and a woman with the beautiful wings of a moth. I don’t know what any of it means, but the energy around and within me is incredible, especially in the early morning hours. I can almost hear it humming through me.

It feels like I have broken through something. Like I am finally where I am supposed to be. I don’t know what it is, but I know I am safe here, and headed in the right direction. I can’t wait to see what’s next.

***Note: if anyone has any experience with something like what I am describing, please let me know, I am eager to learn more!***

Posted in advice, faith, inner peace, Life, mindfulness, Musings, People, spirituality

Credit: Danielle Laporte

Don’t you think that life is magical? The beauty of it all, it gets lost sometimes in the routine, I know, but really…do you ever stop, right in the middle of your day, and think about how miraculous life is?

I see it every time I watch my daughter sleep- the perfect slope of her nose, the dark fringe of her eyelashes against her cheeks, the smoothness of her skin. That I get to bear witness to her innocence, that I get to protect it, and to take part in the unfolding of her childhood…what a gift that is.

Last night, I sat out on my porch just before darkness fell, and I watched a sea gull soaring through the sky, bright white and graceful against the darker clouds, and I was swept away by the beauty of it all.

Yesterday, I felt the peace of all these cumulative days of meditation like a living thing inside of me. At any moment, I could call upon that serenity and relax into it. I can do it now, and it feels a lot like magic, to me.

All of this is to say that there is something available, all the time, in all of us, that wants to capture these moments, that wants so badly for us to be here, be aware of them. It’s up to us whether we notice or not.

I struggle, sometimes, against the Gremlin in my head that tells me everything that is wrong with me, and has a list handy, at all times, of all of my personal failings- past, present, and future. I haven’t mastered the ability to evict him, not yet, but I must be getting close…he gets very active when I am clearing another hurdle. The Gremlin doesn’t want me to be happy, or to love myself, because he knows that when I get there, he won’t have a place to live anymore.

I feel bad for the Gremlin. I really do. But this is my life, and I want…no, I deserve to be happy. Everyone does. In a few minutes, I am going to jump into the hectic river of my daily life, scrambling to get ready, to get Cam ready, to do all of the things that must be done to keep this well-oiled machine chugging along. But in these last few moments that are solely mine, I am choosing to remind myself:

Life is beautiful.

This life is mine, and in everything I do, I really do have a choice, no matter what.

I am fine EXACTLY the way that I am.

I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams.

I can choose to be happy, I can choose to let go of anger, I can choose peace.

I don’t have to believe the Gremlin.

Today will be as good as I make it.

Happy Friday. I hope you don’t let your Gremlin win today.

Posted in faith, family, friendship, Goals, inner peace, kids, Life, mindfulness, Musings, parenting, People, relationships

Remember Me

The harbor, last night.

Two thoughts have made their way into my head lately, and they are having a kind of profound effect on me. I don’t even remember where they came from, whether I read them somewhere or they just occurred to me on their own, but I can’t seem to shake them. The first one, I’m pretty sure I read it in a blog somewhere, and essentially it is “How will people feel about you long after you are gone?” Like, what is your emotional legacy, the emotional “fingerprint” you leave on the people you love and care for? The second one, which goes hand in hand with that is really random, but…it popped into my head yesterday, and I keep going back to it, and here it is- no one really knows whether they have more of their life ahead of them than behind. Well, I guess some people do- for instance, if you are 93, you can can be pretty sure you have more of your life behind you than ahead. But for average, healthy people, the point is, you don’t really ever truly know when it’s your time, or how much more time you have.

I am not particularly afraid of dying, and that’s not really what this is about, but for me, dying is not something I get too worked up about. I am not religious, but I have a lot of faith, and some pretty comforting beliefs. What I do worry about is dying before I am ready, before my children are grown enough, and before I’ve had time to become the person I want to be remembered as. And that’s where things get troubling for me, that last part- being the person I want to be remembered as- because…well, what in the world is stopping me from being that right now? If I really don’t know (and hardly anybody does) when this whole life of mine is going to end, then why am I not just being the person I want to be right now? Because it doesn’t cost money, and there doesn’t need to be a different set of circumstances for that to happen. It’s not about any of that at all.

What it is about, and what I’m learning that everything is really about, is my own behavior, my own attitude, and my own willingness to engage in my own life and the life of the people I care about, on a deeper level. How hard is it, really, to respond more lovingly? To have a bit more patience, to answer with a nicer tone, to treat someone a little more kindly? Well, when your deeply ingrained habit is to be terse, irritated, impatient and sarcastic, it can be pretty challenging, I can vouch for that. But challenging is not the same as impossible. Do I want my children, friends, and family to look back on all their memories of me and laugh about how difficult I was? Well, I mean, that ship has kind of sailed if I die tomorrow, but…it’s not too late to temper that with better things. It’s never too late to get better. I should know! I’ve been slowly improving all the time in these past few years.

But there is always more that you can do. If you are lucky enough to live to be 100, there will always be another thing to work on, another thing you can improve. It never ends. I have been actively trying to spend more time with the people who matter to me, in ways that THEY enjoy, and as a bonus, I try not to whine about it the entire time. What I am finding out is that I can enjoy myself quite a bit when I stop listing all the reasons why everything is stupid and sucks, even if I’m only doing it internally- so if you do that, just stop it. Just relax, just go with the flow, just see what happens. Because guess what? No one ever died from doing something they find mildly unpleasant, and when you keep an open mind, you might even (gasp!) start enjoying yourself.

Recently, I cleaned off the catch-all surface of my kitchen table, and started insisting that Cam and I sit down at it at least a few nights a week to eat a meal together. At first, she was confused and upset by this-“But WHY?! And why does the TV have to be off, I’ll be BORED!”- but now that we have done it a few times, I think she kind of likes it. It’s just the two of us, sitting face to face, eating dinner and having no choice but to talk to each other about…whatever. Sadly, at first, it was a little awkward- I mean, the first five minutes, but still, it seemed longer to me. All I could think to ask was “So, how was school today?” A question that all kids in every part of the world just relish being asked, you know. But really quickly, we forgot that this was different for us, and we just started being our normal selves, and now we both really enjoy it. It was important to me to do this thing with her, this normal, family thing, and now we are doing it, and it is nice. Little changes, big rewards. This is something that she will remember.

Every morning, before she wakes up, and every day before I pick her up from school, I have a little talk with myself. I remind myself to be patient, kind, and loving, and to treat her in a way that will make her feel happy and loved. I know this sounds like a no-brainer, but for me, someone who’s natural state is a little more snappy and self-absorbed, this is important, and it helps. Last night, I was craving a dark chocolate pecan turtle, and I asked her if she wanted to go down to Fisherman’s Wharf and visit the candy store and maybe take a walk around after dinner. Of course, she was into it, so after we sat together and had dinner, we did just that. It was a chilly, overcast day, but we got our candy, and we wandered around in the shops, and then we took a little walk down the bike path and watched the otters play and the seals zip around in the harbor. We took lots of rests, because she is not much of a walker, but it was okay, we didn’t have anywhere we needed to be. And on the long walk back to the car, she held my hand and gave me a million hugs, and told me what a fun time she was having. It wasn’t a big night I had planned- it was just a dumb thing I thought of last minute, a tiny outing. But it was a happy moment, and we were happy in it together. These are the things I want more of in my life. This is the way I want to be remembered.

Camryn, lost in thought


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Employee Services

Committee Members:

Tim Krell, Chairman
Jason Ratts, Vice Chairman
Tony DelGiorno
Pam Deppe
Vera Small
Jeff Thomas

Description of Committee:

The Employee Services committee oversees the budgets of Auditor, State's Attorney and Veteran's Assistance.

Meeting Dates:

The committee will meet on the first Monday of the month and sign bills only on the third Monday of the month. Meetings will begin at 5:00 pm in Room 201. When a county holiday occurs on the same day, the committee will meet as indicated.