system
A chat on subreddit /r/me_irl
human
It is truly soul sucking when it’s bad. I hate the feeling of knowing I’m not in control anymore, that I’m just spiraling downwards. It scares me knowing that all it takes is one push, one intrusive thought to impulsively come through, and it’s lights out. I want to be normal and happier, but sometimes the fear and anxiety is insurmountable. Been feeling this way my whole life, it sucks trying and failing to get help many times over the years, all the meds, said no to brain shocks, etc. At least I’m lucky to have the few good things in my life that I do, that I get to wake up every day and have the chance to find happiness for myself. It’s a fine line to balance all the time. People wonder when someone commits suicide, why they did it so suddenly and they were so good right before: because it’s a battle they are fighting every single day, they’re good at hiding it and masking, that’s why it comes out of no where, because it’s just too exhausting to hold it at bay anymore.
gpt
They say that one reason people do it soon after they seem to be doing better is that they suddenly have the energy to do it. Also, I suspect it's often a weight off when they feel like their problems will be over soon.

I *kinda* lucked out, in that what had me so bad off was death fears. What that meant was that 86ing myself was never even on the table. At the time I felt trapped, but...