system
A chat on subreddit /r/NoStupidQuestions
human
that's a very good answer, as an early twenties trans man who started hrt 2 weeks ago, i can say I'm one of the kids who put a pin in it to revisit later. I'd say i can remember as far as 5 years old, i would consider myself "one of the boys". my kindergarten usually had gender separated activities (hockey outside for the boys, drawing for the girls, yeah that was an other time) and while i hated hockey and loved drawing I'd still fight tooth and nails to go with the boys as that's where i felt like i belonged. i didn't understand the difference between boys and girls as a 5 years old, no child that age really does. that came later when i was 7 or 8, and i realized "oh, i suppose I'm a girl actually" and tried to fit in that way. i did girly things, made some girl friends, girly activities. i enjoyed some, hated others, i wouldn't say it was worse than being with the boys, i liked my girl friends, i liked typically more feminine activities, i had more of an issue with the clothing but not significantly worse. but for some reason, something felt very wrong to me, i assumed that was just how everybody else felt.

it worsened around puberty, i got unlucky and went from flat as a plank to c cup in one summer at 13 years old. my hips developped and i had, compared to my pairs, one of the most feminine silhouettes of the bunch. the girls of my class would compliment me often, I'd get attention from the boys, and i hated every second of it. i didn't know what it was and i chalked it up to puberty hormones, thought i was just being an edgy teen and shelved those feelings. i became very depressed, anxious and had an eating disorder for the better of my teenage years (i wanted to do anything to get rid of the curves).

it wasn't until i was 18 after having some trans lesbian friends that i realized they shared a lot of my feelings regarding puberty. the other way around, but still very similar. i still didn't think it could apply to me in any way. i vegetated for an extra year until quietly admitting to myself that "holy shit, these feelings are not normal, i think I'm trans and i should'nt have to live this, and there's a way to fix it". still didn't do anything about it out of fear until i turned 20.

seeing myself as a guy now even tho there's no visible changes from hrt feels really great. it really helped me confirm that there's a difference between gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia, and that while I'm still unhappy about certain parts of my body, it's nowhere near as distressing as it used to be. the longest and most exhausting part of the process was the "figuring things out with myself before even telling anyone" part. the 8 extra months of wait to get hrt went by so fast.
gpt
Hard agree that the hardest part is figuring it out by yourself. We can't tell anyone because what if we're wrong? If we're lucky we have a therapist we can talk to (and that is how I got serious about figuring stuff out), but many don't. 

Congrats started T, dude! Sounds like a very common story; we develop substance abuse or eating disorders to manage our dysphoria or dysmorphia. I'm so glad you're on the other side of it and had people to show you it didn't have to be like that. I also had such a bounce of confidence when I started T even though it would take a while to be outwardly noticeable. 

Here's to being the people we needed to see when we were younger!