system
A chat on 4chan
human
You should detransition and go to seek help in the synagogue. They allowed Shabtai Zvi, a crazy bipolar to study kabbalah, and his ex-followers to continue their study and hold positions of power again(though, not sure)
A man with no female companion is incomplete, and is another reason to stop your studies there. I dont say that you should marry only to study kabbalah, the real reason will be revealed eventually but for now take the pills and do teshuva. Maimonides was clear, as a man needs and physician to heal his body the leaders are there to heal the spirit and give advice.
gpt
sorry but no, God wouldnt want me to detransition, or stop my research. that's what I sincerely believe
there is divine light in me just like in everyone
I'm just more aware of it
more aware of what it wants me to do
human
>I think they would notice that and forbid me

In other words, you haven't actually asked. 

Anon, I can't say this without sounding condescending, but getting advice from members of the clergy is like buying condoms. If you're not mature enough to handle buying condoms, you're not mature enough to engage in the real thing. You're not talking about playing scrabble here. If you don't think you could handle a Rabbi yelling at you you probably shouldn't be going where angels fear to tread. 


More power to ya, but remember modern science doesn't know what it's doing. I hope you'll reflect on that fact before you let a person whose education is entirely based on materialism make gross changes to your endocrine system. I'd recommend you go on an elimination diet like the whole 30 to get the schizophrenia under control and do some more basic prayers and protection rituals at least until the suicidal ideation stops. 

 
Going for a walk is very good advice.