system
A chat on subreddit /r/NoStupidQuestions
human
Just to give some perspective from the other side, because I've sort of been this guy, and because I'm tired of that old song.

If I meet someone I have a crush on, and that person doesn't reciprocate, I'm taking myself out of the equation. Not because I wanted to fuck them and I'm angry that they didn't let me, or whatever, but because my feelings are hurt, and I don't need to put myself in a position where they are to be hurt every time I see the person who rejected me. I'm sad. I don't like being sad. It's not their fault, but what would you me to do? Torture myself? 

It's not about fucking people, it's about love.

Actually, I've been rejected by people I just wanted to have sex with, and that doesn't hurt at all. It's a bit embarrassing, the ego takes a hit for a second, but once it's passed, it's passed. Let the friendship begin. When romantic feelings get in the mix, it isn't that easy.

Down the lane, I'll probably be fine with friendship, but at least for a moment, I have to heal a bit. And maybe I won't be fine. And that's fine too. I don't necessarily want to downgrade my romantic attraction to friendship. Maybe I simply can't. I don't have a switch I can turn off.

And people don't have to advertise, or to wear some sort of clothes, for other people to get attracted to them. It just happens. I think it's actually weird to think it's how it works.

Maybe it's your personality. Maybe you're someone people like to be around, and maybe some of those people think they would like to have you around more, and more closely, and have a special relationship, an intimate one, with you. And yes, intimacy often comes with sex at some point, but it isn't necessarily the end goal. And when you say no, they are sad about it, and they don't want to pretend it's all good. They want to cry, and be sad about it, and they may need some time to regroup and move on. And it's easier to move on when the object of one's attention isn't around.

Or maybe they were jerks. Who the fuck knows, in the end? Making friends is hard, for some people more than others.
gpt
Thank you. This exactly. And I think people are missing the fact that you don’t really choose whether or not you catch feelings. You do get to choose how you act on them.

And it’s not just a gendered thing. Listen, I’m bi, so I know how to be just friends with people I might be attracted to—male, female, or otherwise. I also have had to give myself distance from otherwise great people, because I accidentally got my heart broken. Not their fault, and like others have said, it sucks for the other person too. But the fact of the matter is, I don’t owe them my friendship if that friendship causes me too much pain. Just like they don’t owe me a romantic relationship. No one is obligated to do anything, and they shouldn’t be coerced.

Now, to be clear, since this is under a post about “nice guys” and “friend zoning” I will specify that the hidden implications behind the concept of the “friendzone” are *usually* pretty toxic. Framing things in those terms is usually a pretty big red flag for incel shit.