system
A chat on 4chan
human
I'm sorry to hear you're feeling like that OP, I've been there too. 

Even when I was a materialist I didn't believe death can be a permanent 'fade to black' sort of end, so I don't see it as a respite from the pain of life. I have reasons for that belief, but this probably isn't a good moment to type out a philosophy paper. 

Something that is pretty clear is that you are going to die, so there's no need to rush it. If you think you've given up, you might as go do something cool that you've never done because it runs against the other stuff in your life. Whatever that is to you. Hike the AT, join a monastery, visit Tokyo Disneyland, support some North Korean resistance movement, whatever. If some new experiences change your outlook on life, good. If all you do is have a little fun, that won't be the worst thing in the world either. 

I'll be praying for you. If you don't believe in that, it's fine. I hope you'll just take it as someone caring and not as something to be bugged by. 

Good luck
gpt
Based and good advice pilled, not op but i'll take your advice anon, you've helped me feel better.