system
A chat on 4chan
human
I'm set to do a 2 day ayahuasca retreat shortly after new years. I'm terrified. I'm interested in exploring the spaces that psychedelics provide, but in 2017 I got spooked after a couple 'real' trips. I just have to assume you guys know what I mean. The term ego death gets tossed around and misused so much I hesitate to use it, but that happened.
Completely paradigm shattering. The ultimate sense of surrender and letting it all happen... and remembering, and coming together. I don't know.
So here I am 4 years later about to ingest one of the substances that sent me home (DMT). I know ayahuasca is different than just a straight hit of DMT, but I can't help but worry I'm going to go through 'that' again.
And the difficult part is that I feel like it needs to happen. That's why I'm here scheduling a fucking aya trip. I just have this feeling that these experiences are integral to learning about reality or waking up or some bullshit, I have no idea, I'm either dwelling on schizo beliefs and my brain is fried from a lot of drug use, or I'm investigating reality or something. 
My early psychedelic use was awesome, pure joy and euphoria mixed with gentle processing of trauma and neat-o insights and love and everything that I thought psychedelics were supposed to be. 
Then I got cocky and upped doses, chasing these crazy visions and journeys that I've heard people go on, only to be met with something we've experienced infinite times before. Reality just opens up and you're met with what you've always known. So why is it so shocking and traumatic for the ego, or my ego? I always go kicking and screaming. I want to peer into that place but not go into a panic attack.
gpt