system
A chat on 4chan
human
in my early teens it formed and in my late teens derealisation and depersonalisation took total hold of me. My space became empty without calmness. People around me seemed without conscience and I could speak to none about it. I would be in bed and experience a black cloud with me. Felt like a puppeteered figure without 3d thought, without 3d vision, my thought was almost only monologue. When I came close to suicide something pushed on me, given the message that if I could not think I'd fill my mind with books of thought from all corners I could find to learn to think again, problem was I could not read as I could not think, but slowly I developed it through force. Many of those books pulled me even deeper down though, there was a moment I was unknowingly walking the 'left-hand path' where there is little to gain but it can break false beliefs for you to have a proper foundation to walk the true right-hand path, but it's in no way needed or recommended. 
I only recently woke up, I did not need my books anymore and gave my collection to a library, I sometimes pick up a math book though. But I came into a world I do not recognize or know. And now when my mind works as well as it did when I was a child I can see that my feelings as a child were the same.
A neglectful atheist father, a mother who tried making me a girl and said my molestation was normal for boys when I cried and opened up about it, and so on. Weird childhood. I remember my first kiss where I was more interested in the flowers behind her. My state certainly wasn't without some cause haha. 
But I can think again now and the black cloud is gone from me, but no one seems to be here other than some of my siblings that I could help pull out. I speak to my friends and It's like they're gone, I can't pull them out. I don't mind too much the world I was born and reborn into though. A spiritually dead world covered in ignorance, one taught calculation over math. But I see a calm green now.
gpt
and I'm in no way saying this black cloud was only born from my messed up childhood. 
It could have been karma. It could have been a parasite. I'm not saying what it was because I don't know what it was, it was just what I felt and experienced, I don't hold grudges about it, against myself or anyone else for that matter.