Tuesday, January 17, 2012  don't speak  i think i thought if i
left you alone it wouldn't hurt you so much.  i think i feel so
guilty, and mean, and horrible that talking to you about it
would make it worse. for both of us.  i know i will always love
you, and always feel like a terrible person for not being able
to make it work.  i miss you horribly, though i still can't be
married to you. i dreamed i saw you last night, and told you
that my life would be empty without you in it. and it is.  i
found your journal again after all these years. i cried when i
saw your post from august 15th. i thought about you the day
after that, and wondered if it was still the best day of your
life. i am glad that you still feel that way; i do, too. but who
am i kidding? i think about you every day, and feel guilty and
ashamed every day, and hope that you are okay every day. but
especially that day, and thanksgiving and christmas.  but i had
to leave. it came down to a choice between leaving then, while
you still loved me and i