If there's anything more pathetic than being impressed with the
winner of some convoluted reality-show contest, it's becoming
ludicrously obsessed with one of the competition's also-rans.
Clay Aiken lost to unremarkable gastropod Ruben Studdard during
2003's American Idol, but that setback didn't forestall his
cultivation of a shrieking, geek-fetishizing fanbase. Aiken's
followers embrace the umbrella term "Claymates," but they've
created subdivisions such as "Claysians" (his Asian following);
"Claydawgs" (refers to male fans, a species that's undocumented
and presumed apocryphal); and "Claypools" (funk hippies who get
fancy with the slap bass). No specific term exists for people
who create and collect Clay Aiken lapel pins, as it's difficult
to shoehorn a "Clay" pun into the apt descriptive phrase
"complete fucking freaks."  The Historical Archive of Clay Aiken
Pins documents nearly two thousand designs, many of which bear
indecipherable Clayspeak descriptions: Clootsie! Clodo! Claymati
Baltimorum! Pin class