Save me baby  The Orlando Magic: Well...that blew big, steaming
chunks. I felt like I was visited by the ghost of the 1994-95
Orlando Magic last night. Faceplanting this hard in Game 1 of
the NBA Finals is...is...well, it's like designing a talking
Elmo doll with over 20 minutes of testicles-related dialogue
(such as "Do balls go on your head?", "Do balls have frosting?"
and "Elmo loves balls!").  The Magicians shot a shockingly
horrific 29 percent (23-for-77) from the field. Okay, have you
absorbed that little smidgen of bawfulness yet? Well, have fun
trying to absorb this one: That stinky feat makes Orlando the
first team to shoot less than 30 percent in Game 1 of the NBA
Finals since the Knicks did it in 1951. That was pre-shot clock,
by the way. Seriously. And you know what that means, don't you?
Historic fail  How bad was it? Well, let me put it this way:
Orlando hit six more free throws and scored 15 more points off
three-pointers...and still lost by 25. And while the Magic were
getting outscored 60-34