Your old religion is outdated and not funny. My new religion is
very current.  Greetings once again, all ye who would be saved!
As I have mentioned previously, I am a certified minister of the
totally legitimate, not even a little bogus Universal Life
Church, which, as its name implies, gives its followers hope and
faith in their otherwise empty and lives by having no set
beliefs whatsoever. The powers granted to me by my official
certificate of ministerhood are numerous and varied, and above
all, highly entertaining. I can marry people, hear confessions,
absolve people of their assorted sins and misdeeds, and most of
all, I can go forth and spread the holy enlightened gospel of
the Universal Church, which is to say, whatever I want.
Obviously, this is a massive responsibility, and it's one that I
take very seriously. Thousands upon thousands of years ago, when
early man first saw a bolt of light flash across the sky and
strike a tree, causing it to burst into flames, and his child
tugged at his loinclotch an