Damaging a Perfectly Good Fence Is Not Funny As a novice
columnist for the SF Metropolitan, I found Mr. Jon Carroll's
writing advice very illuminating ("We Take Jon Carroll's
Learning Annex Class So You Won't Have To," Dog Bites, Feb. 17).
First, I realized that I've been writing about the wrong thing
-- me. No one likes me, but everyone likes cats. Thank you, Mr.
Carroll, for steering me in the right direction.  So instead of
chronicling my horrendously slutty/alcoholic escapades, I will
devote my future columns to the fascinating entity that is THE
CAT. I will chase it around my house, and hopefully it will be
raining, so that way I can run that damn cat outside, where I
will encounter a very funny substance called "mud." Then I will
tip over a pot of flowers, which, if you know anything about
humor, is a very funny thing to do. And then I'll just cut to
another scene -- fuck transition -- I'll grab that little son-
of-a-bitch cat and bash it over my funny little backyard fence a
few times, so that my cat's