 Cracked Columnists  The 9 Stages of Halloween Appreciation
Throughout Life  One day you will wake up and find that your
favorite holiday has changed. For instance, most of you can mark
the end of childhood by the year that Christmas went from an
orgy of gift-opening awesomeness to a tense slog of shopping and
traveling. But there is no holiday that so perfectly marks the
various stages of your life like Halloween. Let's take a stroll
through what you'll be saying at ...  Ages 1 to 3   Hey, what
are you doing? Am I in trouble? Oh, I see, it's a bath. Wait,
no, a bath is when you take things off of my skin. This is the
opposite of that. What are you putting on me? Is ... is that
makeup? I'm confused -- just last week, you yelled at me for
doing exactly this thing that you're doing to me right now. Is
it some sort of punishment, like when you made Chad smoke that
whole pack of cigarettes after you caught him smoking one?
Wait, where are we going? No, no, no, no, no. You've made it
abundantly clear that I'm not