look up any word, like bukkake: The story of Albert Patrick is
most certainly one that belongs in the history books of every
eighth grader in this great nation—not because it’s very
important but because it perfectly encapsulates the true nature
of America. It’s a story of crooked Jewish lawyers paying
scumbag valets to poison the living shit out of rich white men.
It’s a story of heavily racist trials and the crooked American
judicial system that, at the same time, points out how American
privilege can get you out of any sticky situation. It’s a story
of a prestigious American university teetering in the balance
between the forces of good, evil, and something in between.
Basically William Marsh Rice was this rich white guy who amassed
a fortune (probably clubbing seals and black people with his
famed pimp cane). Towards the end of his life he became so
worthless and decrepit that his hooknosed lawyer, Albert
Patrick, hatched a pretty awful scheme to make off with Rice’s
fortune. The idea was to alter Rice’s