Shipping to United States Illustrations by Mr Nick Hardcastle
The Babylonian pagans worshipped mothers. The Iroquois made them
their moral and political leaders. All we're asking you to do is
phone yours occasionally. As Mr T put it in "Treat Your Mother
Right" from his instructional second album Be Somebody... Or Be
Somebody's Fool!: "She's a queen/ Second to none/ Be right to
your mother/ You only get one".  Films never to be watched with
your mother include Harold and Maude, The Graduate and anything
targeted specifically to people older than teenagers. And
whatever you do, don't buy her Mr David Guterson's book Ed King
- it won the bad sex award for reasons we won't go into here.
Do not write a novel about your mother while she is still alive.
As Mr Philip Roth's dictum has it: "when a writer is born a
family dies".  You should refer to her as mother, or mum (if
you're American "mom" is just about acceptable). If you can read
this and you're still calling her "mummy" seek help.  And what
to wear while d