Organic Shoppers Rewarded With Right To Commit Evil   SHOPPERS
are being offered the chance to use ethical purchases to
'offset' acts of unspeakable foulness.  One free range chicken =
three hours of going batshit mental with a 12 volt battery  The
Eco-Path project aims to encourage consumers to shop sustainably
in exchange for the legal right to indulge their darkest and
most demented urges.  Shoppers will be granted an Eco-path
'offset certificate' allowing them to commit an evil deed, the
depravity of which is linked to the amount they spend on organic
vegetables and useless, vole-friendly washing up liquid.  The
proposed tariff includes:  £5-£10: kick an indigenous amphibian
or minor rodent  £10-£20: burn down a pensioner's shed  £20-£35:
push a small child off a swing  £35-£75: moderate torture
(waterboarding, genital electricity, ant-pants)  £75+: do a
murder  A government spokesman said: "We're all keen to help
save the world, provided we don't have to put ourselves out in
any way whatsoever.  "Eco-Pat