midnight
I was not crying , I was laughing , though my swollen eyelids dropped a tear or two as I laughed . I had Zinaïda 's ribbon round my neck for a cravat , and I shouted with delight whenever I succeeded in catching her round the waist . She did just as she liked with me . I should be in a great difficulty , if I were forced to describe exactly what passed within me in the course of the week after my unsuccessful midnight expedition . It was a strange feverish time , a sort of chaos , in which the most violently opposed feelings , thoughts , suspicions , hopes , joys , and sufferings , whirled together in a kind of hurricane . I was afraid to look into myself , if a boy of sixteen ever can look into himself ; I was afraid to take stock of anything ; I simply hastened to live through every day till evening ; and at night I slept ... the light-heartedness of childhood came to my aid . I did not want to know whether I was loved , and I did not want to acknowledge to myself that I was not loved ; my father I avoided -- but Zinaïda I could not avoid ... .