four A.M.
`` Cholera is ragin ' in th ' Ph ` lippeens vice Gin ` ral Jake Smith , raymoved . `` Th ' stock market is boomin ' an ' business has become so dull elsewhere that some iv th ' best known outside operators ar-re obliged to increase th ' depth iv th ' goold coatin ' on th ' brick to nearly an inch . `` Th ' capital iv th ' nation has raymoved to Eyesther Bay , a city on th ' north shore iv Long Island , with a popylation iv three millyion clams , an ' a number iv mosquitos with pianola attachments an ' steel rams . There day be day th ' head iv th ' nation thransacts th ' nation 's business as follows : four A.M. , a plunge into th ' salt , salt sea an ' a swim iv twenty miles ; five A.M. , horse-back ride , th ' prisidint insthructin ' his two sons , aged two and four rayspictively , to jump th ' first Methodist church without knockin ' off th ' shingles ; six A.M. , wrestles with a thrained grizzly bear ; sivin A.M. , breakfast ; eight A.M. , Indyan clubs ; nine A.M. , boxes with Sharkey ; tin A.M. , bates th ' tinnis champeen ; iliven A.M. , rayceives a band iv rough riders an ' person ` lly supervises th ' sindin ' iv th ' ambylance to look afther th ' injured in th ' village ; noon , dinner with Sharkey , Oscar Featherstone , th ' champeen roller-skater iv Harvard , ' 98 , Pro-fissor McGlue , th ' archyologist , Lord Dum de Dum , Mike Kehoe , Immanuel Kant Gumbo , th ' naygro pote , Horrible Hank , t ' bad lands scout , Sinitor Lodge , Lucy Emerson Tick , th ' writer on female sufferage , Mud-in-the-Eye , th ' chief iv th ' Ogallas , Gin ` ral Powell Clayton , th ' Mexican mine expert , four rough riders with their spurs on , th ' Ambassadure iv France an ' th ' Cinquovasti fam ` ly , jugglers . Th ' conversation , we larn fr 'm wan iv th ' guests who 's our spoortin ' iditor , was jined in be th ' prisidint an ' dealt with art , boxin ' , lithrachoor , horse-breakin ' , science , shootin ' , pollytics , how to kill a mountain line , di-plomacy , lobbing , pothry , th ' pivot blow , rayform , an ' th ' campaign in Cubia . Whin our rayporther was dhriven off th ' premises be wan iv th ' rough riders , th ' head iv th ' nation was tachin ' Lord Dum de Dum an ' Sicrety Hay how to do a hand-spring , an ' th ' other guests was scattered about th ' lawn , boxin ' , rasslin ' , swingin ' on th ' thrapeze , ridin ' th ' buckin ' bronco an ' shootin ' at th ' naygro pote f ' r th ' dhrinks -- in short enjyin ' an ideel day in th ' counthry . `` An ' that 's all th ' news , '' said Mr. Dooley .