midnight
He sent me to Louvain as a boy , and thence to Salamanca , and afterwards to Borne . He paid liberally for my education , and I believe intended , had he lived , to have provided handsomely for me . The story has an ugly ending ; at least the rumors are gloomy ones ; and I would rather not revive their memory . Here have I fallen into a sad track of thought , dear Michel ; and now it is past midnight , and all is silent about me , and I feel half as if I ought to tell you everything , and yet that everything resolves itself into nothing ; for of my actual knowledge , I possess not one single fact `` Can you conceive the position of a man with a great , a glorious future before him , -- rewards the very highest his wildest ambition ever fancied , -- a sphere to exercise powers that he feels within , and but needing a field for their display ? Picture to yourself such a man , and then fancy him tortured by one terrible suspicion , one damning doubt , -- that there is a flaw in his just title to all this ; that some day or other there may rise up against him -- he knows not how or whence or why -- from the very earth as it were , a voice to say , ` you are disowned , disgraced , -- you are infamous before men ! ' Such a terrible hell have I carried for years within me ! Yes , Michel , this ulcer is eating at my very heart , and yet it is only like a vision of evil , -- some mind-drawn picture , carried up from infancy through boyhood , and stealing on , year by year , into the prime of life , strengthening its ties on me like a malady .