Answering the Trickiest Questions: Job Loss


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The scenario: Either you or your spouse has been fired.


"School-age kids need to know what to expect. If they can anticipate change, there'll be less emotional upheaval. Emphasize any potential upside; minimize the downside," says Duffy. "Ease the transition for the child by assuring him he'll be OK and by demonstrating stability. The need-to-know info is that your family will be living differently for a while, but will be OK." Do not freak out or overshare your thoughts and feelings. Your kid should be spared the office-politics horror stories and commentary on a looming mega-depression. Charlotte Reznick, Ph.D., a child and adolescent therapist in Los Angeles and author of The Power of Your Child's Imagination: How to Transform Stress and Anxiety Into Joy and Success, warns against ranting about how much you hate your former employer in front of your kid if you were fired. And, she says, "if you show fear or say 'I'm afraid,' a small child might take on some of your anxiety, which can be overwhelming for him."

What to say: The experts recommend something like, "I'm home during the day lately because, like a lot of other Americans, I lost my job. I'm already looking for a new one. We'll be OK. We won't buy a lot of new clothes, and our vacation will have to be postponed. It's just a temporary thing we have to get through together." To validate kids' emotions, ask how they feel, and repeat back what they've expressed, e.g., "I understand your disappointment. I'm sad, too, about canceling our trip. But we'll have fun at home."

AGES 9 TO 14

Kids in this age range are like mirrors. They reflect emotions they perceive. "What you feel, they feel," says Duffy. "If you feel anxious, you can bet they will, too. The way to mitigate anxiety is to stick with the facts." Share that Dad is looking hard for work; the family has some savings; the situation is serious but not grave.

What to say: Don't skirt the issue and pretend everything's fine. "The key words are 'realistic' and 'hopeful,' " says Dr. Hallowell. For instance, you could say, "I'd be happier if Dad had a new job, but in the meantime, we'll be realistic about what we can afford. We'll cut back and make do with less. I'm hopeful this period will be over very soon. We'll get through it."


Kids will feel betrayed only if they're lied to. So don't make promises you can't keep or misrepresent what's happening. If you actually can't afford the status quo, don't tell a teen you'll be fine. "Older teens want to feel respected and valued," says Dr. Hallowell. "They'll appreciate frank conversation and should be encouraged to contribute solutions."

"Sixteen-year-olds will want to know if they can help out by getting a part-time job or applying for scholarships when it's time for college," adds Duffy. Hashing over options is more uplifting than crying over the bills (save the tears for your spouse).

What to say: "Life isn't always easy, but bad times do make us stronger," you can explain. "As bad as this might seem to you now, it'll be worse if we don't support one another. We will survive. We might wind up better off for having been through this. Let's figure out a few ways to make things better for all of us now."

Next: How to talk to your kids about illness

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