Q & A with Connie Hornyak, therapist for adoptive families

Through her Santa Ana practice The Institute for Child and Family Development, attachment therapist Connie Hornyak works primarily with families who've adopted children.

An adoptive parent herself, Hornyak said some behavioral problems that surface are also seen in children who have a parent deployed in the military or who couldn't be held much as infants due to a medical issue.

However, she said adopted children – whether domestic or international, adopted at birth or later in life – also often deal with feelings of rejection that can trigger other challenges.

Q. How common are behavioral problems for adopted children?

A. Adoption comes with lifelong issues. ...

What I find is that adopted children are, by and large, extremely sensitive to loss.

They've already lost their birth family, in theory. And they were often in a hospital or foster home, where they grew attached to their caregivers there. ... So children quite often are very wary of their adoptive parents because they think, "Here is another set of adults that are going to leave me." ...

When families go on vacation, they (adopted children) think they're being taken somewhere to be left there. Or when a parent goes away for work, they think they're never coming back. This is something that needs treatment, to work through those feelings and to understand that these are not the parents who abandoned them.

Q. What are some of the most common struggles you see with adoptive families?

A. The need to be in control is predominant with not all adoptees, but certainly with many.

The feeling of being sad or scared makes you vulnerable. Being angry or controlling, it makes you feel powerful. ... So they sometimes go overboard in trying to be controlling. Sometimes that comes out in anger that gets projected onto adoptive parents because they are the only ones here. ...

Children often target their adoptive mothers with their behaviors. So the father comes home from work and says, "I just don't see it."

Adoptees were rejected by their birth mothers. Caretakers in hospitals or homes are often women, too. So with the adoptive mother, the child says, "I'm going to reject her before she rejects me."

Q. Some adoptive parents say they've learned they should be doing the exact opposite from what they read in traditional parenting books. Is that accurate?

A. Yes, that's absolutely true.

Most parenting manuals give consequences for behaviors, and those things just don't work with these children.

For example, most parents at one time or another use "time out" as a consequence. And that's perfectly acceptable for biological children. But for adoptees, it's subconsciously reawakening all those feelings of being isolated, being sent away and being rejected.

So I tell parents to have a "time in." Have the child come sit right next to you. They don't get to play or watch TV or anything, but that way a child feels, even when I misbehave, they are going to be here.

Q. Are there any common misconceptions for adoptive families?

A. If people adopt because they have this rescue fantasy, thinking they're going to this foreign country to save this child and give them a better life, the tendency is to expect that child to be grateful.

I don't know about you, but I don't know too many children who are grateful. They eat the food they're given, they sleep in the home provided, they go to school... So parents who adopt because they want to rescue a child tend to be disappointed.

Q. What other advice do you have for couples considering adoption?

A. Are they adopting due to infertility? ... I want to know, have they looked at that issue and worked through it? ... I think it's wise for parents to have at least two or three consultations with someone who understands adoption even before they bring the child home. ...

Educate yourself first. Talk with other parents who have adopted. They know what you're going through and will not be judgmental.

Know that you need a support system and that the extended family may not ever understand the child the way the parents do. They may only see the good behavior.

Let the schools know. Let the teachers know that time out, for example, is not appropriate.

The more parents educate themselves and their family members and friends and find other likeminded people, the better things will be.

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