Thursday, November 15, 2007

Golf Scientists Discover 19th Hole

Greens fees, total pars likely to increase

Geneva, Switzerland (Nov. 15) - Calling it the most significant news in the history of golf since the invention of the ball washer, scientists who specialize in the sport have discovered a 19th hole, a development which is sure to change the sport's landscape forever.

"November 14, 2007 will be known as the date that ushered in a new era of golf," an elated Dr. Manheim Steemrohler said at a press conference in front of the Golf Institute for Technology (GIT).

Dr. Steemrohler said that the discovery occurred by accident.

"We were working on a study as to whether golf balls hit out of the sand experience significant blunt-force, aerodynamic trauma, when Dr. (Heinrich) Bubler made the discovery, thanks to a high-powered telescope and extremely sensitive, time-stop photography," Dr. Steemrohler said, speaking for a team of 11 golf scientists.

The 19th hole, the doctor said, exists in a "parallel area between time and space," and every golf course in the world has one.

When pressed for explanation in layperson's terms, Dr. Steemrohler said, "You wouldn't understand."

Dr. Manheim Steemrohler demonstrates some of the equipment used to find golf's new 19th hole

Later, Dr. Bubler spoke to reporters gathered in front of the doctor's country club as he headed out to play a "quick 19", in his words.

"Basically, this new discovery means a few things. Number one, par for most courses will now be 75 or 76. Second, it will take approximately nine minutes longer to play a full round of golf. And last, but not least, I'll make lots of money."

Noting that there's still considerable confusion over the exact location of golf's new hole, Dr. Steemrohler assured reporters that information about that part of the discovery will be released within the next several days. But a source close to the golf scientists said the 19th hole would be typically found "within 55 yards of the 18th green, off to the right," and will only be able to be detected with special, very expensive, fancy-shmancy scientific equipment for "at least five years."

The hope is, within the industry, that when the 19th hole becomes more accessible to public courses and "real people", greens fees and cart fees can be increased.

"Typical," said golfer Dwayne Benson of the industry's goal as he finished the soon-to-be-atypical 18 holes at a Harrisburg, Pa. public course yesterday on a balmy fall day. "This news is less than 24 hours old and already the greed and money-grubbing has begun."

A spokesman for golf's Lord, Tiger Woods, said, "Lord Woods is encouraged about anything that's for the good of the sport that he owns and operates. He's confident that this 19th hole will mean that he can win tournaments by even wider margins than he is currently."

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