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How to Detect Subtleties in a Relationship

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Relationships are replete with subtleties as a matter of nature. Subtleties are as natural to relationships as the air we breathe is to our lungs. The events which transpire between people range from verbal to non-verbal to unconscious phenomena. It would be unthinkable to expect otherwise. But subtleties can be either healthy or unhealthy for a relationship.


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    Consider that subtleties may be hidden. Subtleties may be verbal or non-verbal. Verbal subtleties involve the use of words. We tend to adopt particular forms of verbal subtlety in an ongoing relationship and build them into the relationship. Non-verbal subtleties, on the other hand, involve the eyes, physical gestures, facial expressions, or other forms of body language. These forms of communication are very commonplace and can save us the effort of constantly having to put our thoughts and feelings into words. If these subtleties, verbal or non-verbal (or a combination of the two), are repeated over a significant period of time, they can easily become unconscious. That is, they become second nature--we continue to practice them but we are no longer conscious that we are doing so.
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    Decide if subtleties are healthy or unhealthy. Some subtleties are healthy and some are unhealthy. If a relationship is growing and fostering communication, well-being and trust, then we can surely say that it is a healthy relationship. If this is not the case, if the relationship is unhealthy, then chances are that there is some form of unhealthy subtlety in the relationship. So some positive action is required.
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    Become more self-aware: self-knowledge as a way to uncover subtleties. Learning to know yourself better is a great help in uncovering these subtleties. The better you know yourself, the easier it is to see yourself and the other person, and to see how the relationship is developing. Self-knowledge includes knowledge of your own thoughts and emotions, knowledge of your strengths and weaknesses, knowledge of your potential and your limitations, and knowledge of your identity.
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    Be open to the other: most people have a blind spot to some fault or other, but we also tend to have a blind spot to our own strengths and potential. It is essential that you are able to listen intently to the other person. This has many benefits: you give the other person the opportunity to be heard and accepted, you can potentially be enlightened about your own weaknesses or your own strengths, and your perception can be (more objectively) compared with the other person's perception.
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    Negotiate a solution: listen, learn and clarify. Having heard the other person's thoughts, allowed their feelings to be vented, and given them the space and time just to be themselves in your presence, you are in a much better position to act. You should now know the other person and yourself much better. You are better able to make suggestions, comments and clarifications. This may not yet be a final solution, but it can easily become an important stepping stone to the final solution.
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    Rebuild and re-structure: finding new grounds for an existing relationship can be very healthy and can infuse new life into it. This is not completely out of the question. Openness, trust, sincerity and kindness can overcome almost anything or anything, period. A relationship that may have started with a fault or two can be rebuilt in this way. It takes a generous heart or two generous hearts to do so, but it is not an impossible task.
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    Know Yourself: self-knowledge as a way of healing. The degrees of self-knowledge are many and varied. As both parties in the relationship embark together on a journey of self-discovery, each helping and supporting the other, they can lead one another to increasing depths of emotional well-being, of trust, and of healthy and life-giving forms of communication.

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Categories: Maintaining Relationships


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