Your toddler's behaviour and habits

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What to do when your toddler says "no"

Why your toddler says "no"

Your toddler says "no" because she can. She's learning to assert herself. So having just found out that she has a will, she wants to exercise it.

This phase often comes on suddenly. You're not alone if you're perplexed over your toddler's new-found defiance. It can disappear as quickly as it appeared, too. In the meantime, try these coping strategies.

What to do when your toddler says "no"

Offer choices you can control

Offering your toddler a limited choice when you can is one way to avoid a showdown with her.

For instance, when it doesn't matter what she wears, you could ask, "Do you want to wear your purple leggings or your red leggings today?" Or, "Would you like juice or milk?" And to overcome her refusal to help with tidying up, "Do you want to put away your blocks or your crayons?"

Two choices are enough at this stage. You can use this technique for everything from getting dressed to solving playdate disputes. For example, "Do you want to play nicely with Jack, or do you want to play by yourself?"

Counting works sometimes, too. You could say, "I'm going to count to 10 and then you choose, or I'll choose for you." Your toddler will probably become decisive once you start the countdown. But save this technique for last resorts, because it loses its power if you use it too often.

Help your toddler to feel like she's got a say

To make this work, you have to keep two facts in mind. One is that you know more than your toddler. The other is that virtually everything can be turned into a choice.

Try saying, "Do you want to get out of the car now or play for two minutes and then get out?" Either way, she knows she's getting out of the car. Or say, "Do you want to put your top on back-to-front or the right way round?"

You both know she probably doesn't want to put her top on back to front, but you're using humour to break the deadlock. Either way, she thinks she has a choice.

Teach your toddler alternatives to "no"

One of the reasons your toddler says "No" a lot is because her vocabulary is much more limited than yours. Your toddler may also be fond of "no" partly because she constantly hears the word directed at her. If that's the case, try to cut back on your own use of the word and find alternatives to "no" whenever possible.

One tactic is to replace "no" with phrases more specific to the situation in hand. For example, "It's not safe to play on the stairs," "We don't hit the cat," or "Use your indoor voice, please."

You can make a "no" response less automatic if you set up a situation with a funny question. So, before you give her a meal she sometimes refuses, try, "What would Mr Bird say if you asked him, 'Would you like a worm?'" When your toddler responds with, "Yes!", follow up with, "And what would Lola say if I asked her if she'd like eggy toast?"

With any luck, your toddler will be enjoying herself too much to refuse the food. She may even tuck in without the usual resistance.

Stand your ground

Despite your best efforts to avoid or distract, there will be times when you have a showdown with your toddler. If she stops in the middle of the road and refuses to move, for example, you'll have to move her pretty quickly.

But keeping her safe isn't the only reason to be firm. While your toddler has a will of her own, things will quickly get out of hand if she's allowed to exert it too much.

For instance, when she protests because it's bedtime and she's already had her bath and stories, it's fine to overrule her. You could say, "I'm sorry, but it is."

If she asks why you can even pull rank and tell her, "I'm your mummy, that's why." Don't feel bad about this. It's important for your toddler's sense of security that she sees you making the decisions and sticking to them.

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