Ban child labour properly

Today, the Union Cabinet will vote on a proposal to ban child labour. The proposal, if passed, will make it illegal to employ children below the age of 14 at all, and will restrict employment of those between 14 and 18 to ‘safe’ industries. I am surprised this was not already a law, but better late than never, I guess.

But I don’t think it will work in urban areas. After all, there are hundreds of things children in cities are made to do regularly, that they don’t want to do. This is pretty much the definition of a job. Here are just 7 ways we make the future of our nation suffer under the yoke of employment, 7 things that must be abolished before the child labour ban can really work.

1. Tuition: This is the equivalent of holding a second job to make ends meet, only the ends are academic ones. Making children waste precious evenings sitting in a small room bored out of their minds is something so exploitative and soulless that even Apple might hesitate before doing it to their workers in China and Taiwan. After all, no one calls your mother to complain if you miss a day of work. But that doesn’t work in tuition, does it?

2. Washing faces: Every morning and evening, protesting children are dragged under taps and made to wash their faces, even the backs of their necks. This only differs from a job in that they don’t have to sign in and out at the beginning and end of the process. I suggest we abolish this and introduce something like they used to have in the concentration camps of old - a huge jet of water from above that would wash away all dirt and grime in a matter of seconds.

3. Answering stupid questions: For some reason, 99% of grown-ups assume that lack of age implies lack of brain. Therefore, kids have the full time job of dealing with stupid rhetorical questions like ‘Is this XYZ? He looks tall’ or ‘Do you go to school?’ or ‘Do you like porridge?’ or ‘Isn’t it nice to meet you?’ This must stop!

4. Eating wholesome food: I get that healthy food is good, I just want it to become a part time job instead of staying a full time job. Healthy food for children 6 days a week is OK, but we must introduce a part time junk food scheme. After all, if eating good plain food every day is child labour, I don’t know what is.

5. Accompanying people: If Dad wants to go to pay an electricity bill, or if Mom wants to go down to the shop, or if an elder brother wants to go anywhere at all, the youngest child is usually signed up for a free, no-expenses paid trip as accompaniment. This exploitation is all the more dangerous because it is completely instinctive; most people don’t even realize that they should be paying a hefty salary to the bored child they’ve dragged along.

6. Meeting guests: Whenever someone comes home, the child’s job is to be paraded in front of that guest, smile and make pointless conversation. If this is banned, our children will be able to hide behind locked doors, like they want to.

7. School: The biggest form of indentured child labour is last, but not least. Till we improve our schools and our education system, children will just trade one form of slavery for another when they turn 17.