Thomasville Times Enterprise

Local News

May 17, 2014

Your child is a natural-born liar






So kids who lie are demonstrating important cognitive skills. But paradoxically, they also lie in part because they don't have great cognitive skills. Children are emotional and impulsive - they struggle a lot with inhibitory control, one aspect of executive function - which is why, despite your clear instructions not to, they will continue to use their forks as drumsticks and hit their siblings. Then, to cover up their mistakes, they'll lie to avoid getting punished. In other words, kids lie a lot in part because they can't help but defy you a lot, and they don't want to suffer the consequences. Can you blame them?

One easy thing we can do to keep our kids from lying is to avoid setting them up to do so. If you know full well Nathan ate the last cookie, you don't need to challenge him with Nathan, did you eat the last cookie? That's just asking him to fib - he can sense trouble is just around the corner, and he wants more than anything to avoid it. Instead, say something like, "I know you ate the last cookie, and now you're not going to have room for dinner, and unfortunately the consequence is going to be that you have no cookies tomorrow," suggests Angela Crossman, a developmental psychologist at CUNY's John Jay College of Criminal Justice.

Another thing you should absolutely not do, Lee says, is to tell your child that you won't get mad at him if he tells you the truth, and then get mad at him for telling you the truth. Parents do this all the time, he says, and it teaches kids that truth-telling gets punished, that they'd be better off lying. "You really have to live up to your end of the bargain - if your child tells the truth, then you say 'that's great,' and just ignore the bad behavior, regardless of how bad it is," Lee says.


Simply put, the best way to address a child's lie is calmly. Use the moment to talk to him about the importance of honesty. "Point out what he has just done, and tell him what you expect him to do, which is to tell the truth regardless - and tell him why it's important to tell the truth," Lee says. Explain the importance of trust. Lee cautions against punishing kids - particularly young preschoolers - for lying, because they often do not fully understand the concept of honesty. Punishing a kid for lying can also backfire, because kids understand that they only get punished if they are caught lying, so they may continue to lie but simply be more careful about it.

Instead, consider praising them when they are honest and repeatedly stressing the virtues of honesty. When Lee and his colleagues tested how well various stories curbed kids' tendencies to lie, they found that the story of "George Washington and the Cherry Tree," in which Washington confesses to chopping down his father's tree and is commended for doing so, was far more effective than "The Boy Who Cried Wolf," which warns against lying by highlighting its negative consequences. Also, in general, research suggests that children raised in punitive authoritarian environments - in which they are harshly punished either verbally or physically - are more likely to lie than are children who are punished for transgressions more gently, for instance with time-outs or scolding. So strict, punitive parenting practices are not necessarily the best approach to raising honest children.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly: Don't expect your kids to be honest if you're not. "If you are sending your kids the message that truth is really important, but they see you telling occasional small fibs to get out of things, they will see lying as a strategy they can use," Talwar says. Adults lie so frequently - to kids, friends, our own parents, telemarketers - that we almost don't even notice it. But our kids certainly do, and they love to emulate us. So the next time you catch your kid in a fib, ask yourself whether he may have learned it from you, and then consider giving him a bit of a break. After all, Talwar says, "It's a tricky thing to be honest all the time."


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