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Dealing with the Trump disaster: 2 inventions to make the best of it

Michael S. Robinson
My Turn
Two inventions will help people deal with the Trump disaster, says Michael Robinson: A devise to eliminate airborne BS broadcasts and a machine able to detect lies from thousands of miles away.

As the world welcomed in the 1900s, Italian Guglielmo Marconi successfully sent the first transoceanic radio transmission message. It was only the dots and dashes of a single Morse Code letter “s,” but it was the dawning of a new age.

For his remarkable accomplishment, he and German Karl Ferdinand Braun were awarded the 1909 Nobel Prize for Physics. The use of radio waves quickly evolved into voice radio and, soon after, the introduction of television. Since Marconi’s first experiments, the public has slowly grasped the concept of just how radio and television transmission works. Stated in the simplest words, radio-magnetic waves are sent into the atmosphere where they travel at the speed of light. Using antennae, those waves are subsequently recombobulate into intelligibly reproduced sound.

That technology is the basis of all modern radio and television and is now being used for a variety of expanded applications. In an amazing twist of the usual uses of radio waves, Werner Gufenauf, a German scientist, has come up with a plan to use antennas and traditional radio theory to collect “radio-frequency brown matter” (RFBM) out of the sky. Labeled by its inventor as the brown-energy radio retrieval system (BERRS), it will soon be commercially available to all Americans. The EPA expects that, when fully operational and widely distributed, these systems will eliminate most of the airborne BS broadcast by the White House and its Fox News affiliates each day.

Since the 2016 presidential election, atmospheric RFBM has reached dangerous levels— as high as 1,206 ppm, which is far in excess of what the EPA allows. (Six-hundred and eighty ppm is the current standard — even lower in California — and that drops to a mere 170 ppm by the year 2025.) But voila! Using the BERRS system, the RFBM is simply concentrated, using a large antenna, combined with small amounts of water, and then drained through a hose into a storage vessel. The resulting liquid concentrate, LqBS, can be used to fertilize trees and gardens, increase the availability of atmospheric respiratory oxygen, and clean up the dirty air.

The LqBS will also be a great blessing for the impoverished farmers now being gouged by tariffs on fertilizers formerly imported from China. The BERRS inventor says his device will virtually eliminate the circulating atmospheric RFBS which has been pouring into the D.C. sky at an increasingly alarming rate.

In other scientific news, Yakov Propuli, a Russian/Greek inventor, has developed a reliable Tele-Polygraph capable of detecting lies from thousands of miles away. The simple electronic device uses a single button-cell battery and is just larger than a pack of filter cigarettes. Propuli stated, “I developed the system specifically for veracity verification of our president, but I believe it will work equally well on Cabinet members, congressmen and Sarah Huckabee Sanders.”

I was fortunate enough to do field testing on the Tele-Polygraph, and I found its reliability to be truly amazing. Here’s how it works. Any time President Trump or one of his cronies talks, the operator merely switches the on/off switch to the "on" position. An LCD display immediately shows a readout of the veracity of the speaker. I asked the inventor how accurate it is, and Propuli told me, “It utilizes a complex algorithm to verify truth, and when used according to the directions it will accurately nail those who are lying.”

During the two days I had the device, I tested it on President Trump, members of his White House staff, senators, congressmen and Ms. Sanders. It worked perfectly, without a glitch.

I took the liberty of disassembling the device and I was shocked at what I found. There was neither a microphone nor any circuitry except for the battery and readout, which always read, “Lie.” It seems that Mr. Propuli’s algorithm is, indeed, very sophisticated, and he defends it as “extremely reliable technology.”

“The algorithm,” said Propuli, “is the result of complex statistical sampling. If Trump and his buddies are talking, there’s a 99.9999 percent chance that what they’re saying is a lie.” 

Needless to say, I love the Tele-Polygraph and its potential role in keeping Americans accurately informed. You will, too. This product is going to be a great success.

Michael Robinson is a former Vietnam-era Army assistant public information officer and retired businessman. He lives with his wife, Carol, and one mongrel dog.