Why preschoolers throw tantrums

A temper tantrum is the emotional equivalent of a summer storm — sudden and sometimes fierce, but often over as quickly as it starts. One minute you and your preschooler are enjoying your dinner in a restaurant, the next he's whimpering, whining, and then screaming to go home. Thankfully, tantrums may be less common during the preschool years than they were during the terrible twos, with children usually having them only once every couple of weeks (though some parents get no such respite). But when tantrums do hit, they're as challenging as ever. And, as many veteran parents will attest, tantrums may continue to make appearances from time to time well into the grade-school years.

Though you may worry that you're raising a tyrant, take heart — at this age, it's unlikely that your preschooler is throwing a fit to be manipulative. More likely, he's having a meltdown in response to frustration. Often, your preschooler's overwhelming emotions are to blame. Fearfulness, rejection by his peers, and sudden interruptions are frequent tantrum triggers for him. While he won't lose control as easily as he used to, he can slip into a tantrum when his emotions get the best of him.

Say your preschooler spies a picture of a scary monster in the afternoon. This can put him emotionally on edge, though he may not express it immediately. "When you put him to bed hours later, though, he might be more easily agitated than usual, and throw a tantrum that's linked to his heightened anxiety earlier in the day," explains Claire B. Kopp, professor of applied developmental psychology at California's Claremont Graduate University.

What to do when your preschooler pitches a fit

Don't lose your cool. A tantrum isn't a pretty sight. In addition to kicking, screaming, or pounding the floor, your preschooler's repertoire may include throwing things, hitting, and even holding his breath until he turns blue (don't worry; he'll eventually come up for air). When your child is swept up in a tantrum, he's unable to listen to reason, though he will respond — negatively — to your yelling or threatening. "The more I shouted at Brandon to stop, the wilder he would get," says one mother. What worked instead, she discovered, was to just sit down and be with him while he raged.

Stomping out of the room — tempting as that may be — can make your preschooler feel abandoned. The storm of emotion he's feeling can be frightening to him, and he needs to know you're nearby. Rather than leave him thrashing on the floor, go to him. If he's not flailing too much, pick up your child and hold him. Chances are he'll find your embrace comforting, and will calm down more quickly.

Remember that you're the adult. No matter how long the tantrum continues, don't give in to unreasonable demands or negotiate with your screaming preschooler. It's especially tempting in public to cave in as a way of ending the episode. Try not to worry about what others think — anyone who's a parent has been there before. By conceding, you'll only be teaching your child that pitching a fit is the way to get what he wants, and setting the stage for future behavior problems. What's more, a tantrum is frightening enough for your child without him feeling that you're not in control, either.

If your preschooler's outburst escalates to the point where he's hitting people or pets, throwing things, or screaming nonstop, pick him up and carry him to a safe place, such as his bedroom, where he can't harm himself. Tell him why he's there ("because you hit your sister"), and let him know that you'll stay with him until he calms down. If you're in a public place — a common breeding ground for tantrums — be prepared to leave with your child until he gets a grip.


Talk it over afterward. When the storm subsides, hold your child close and talk about what happened. Acknowledge his frustration, and encourage him put his feelings into words by asking, "Is there something you want to tell me about what upset you?" Kopp suggests. Shy away from punishments — at this age, a tantrum is a sign that something is troubling him, so take time to talk about what that might be. If your preschooler has a tantrum before bed, hold off on your heart-to-heart until the next day. For the time being, simply calm him in your arms, tell him you love him, and help him to sleep.

Try to head off tantrum-triggering situations. Pay attention to what pushes your preschooler's buttons and plan accordingly. If he falls apart when he's hungry, carry snacks with you. If he has trouble making a transition from one activity to the next, give him a gentle heads-up before a change. Alerting him to the fact that you're about to leave the playground or sit down to dinner ("We're going to eat when you and Daddy are done with your story") gives him a chance to adjust instead of react.

Your preschooler is grappling with new kinds of demands from you, his peers, and his teachers, so offer him choices when you can. No one likes being told what to do all the time. Saying, "Would you like corn or carrots?" rather than "Eat your corn!" will give him a sense of control. Monitor how often you're saying no, too. If you find you're rattling it off routinely, you're probably putting unnecessary stress on both of you. Ease up and choose your battles — after all, would it really wreck your schedule to spend an extra five minutes at the playground?

Watch for signs of overstress. Though occasional tantrums and out-of-control behavior are a perfectly normal part of the preschool years, you do need to keep an eye out for possible problems brewing, Kopp points out. Has there been upheaval in the family? An extremely busy or harried period? Tension between you and your partner? All of these can provoke tantrums. If your preschooler is having tantrums every day, talk to his pediatrician, who can make sure that a physical or psychological condition isn't contributing to the problem, and suggest ways to deal with the outbursts.
