The Devil Wears Prada (film)

Psychologist Jean Twenge says that a "carefully considered appearance," characterized by designer labels and accessories, can be one tipoff to a narcissist.  (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Because human nature is far harder to measure and quantify than even a subatomic particle, you won't get experts agreeing unanimously on what to make of narcissistic personalities. Many of history's major figures have been narcissists, and obviously history managed to use some of them to humanity's ultimate advantage.  And most of us may well have at least a touch of the "N" thing.

But since a full-blown narcissist is likely to con you, drain you or blame you to within an inch of your life, it's best to know whether one is staring at you across the table--whether you're interviewing him for a job, considering her as a business partner, or meeting him on a first date.

Jean Twenge, a professor of psychology at San Diego State University, has spent years helping human resource managers, executives and others to identify and safely tag the narcissist in the room. (It should be noted that narcissists are not the same as sociopaths, though the terms are mistakenly blurred in common usage.  I wrote about how to screen sociopaths out of the hiring process in another recent column.)

It goes without saying that the best diagnosis of a narcissistic personality disorder would come from a seasoned professional who can directly study the other person at length. But few of us have the luxury of bringing Twenge along while sizing up a prospective colleague.  So Twenge, co-author with W. Keith Campbell of The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement, tells me that  there are some general traits that, as a package, can serve as a warning sign.

1. Sometimes the Devil really does wear .

Most people like to look reasonably nice, but some like to look unreasonably nice. Twenge says the narcissist often has an appearance that she describes as "carefully considered." Their choices of designer labels, hair styles, cosmetics, adornments and accessories reveal someone who's put far more strategy and effort into their image than your average bear.

2.  They don't just have a little charm--they drip charm.

This represents a dilemma for most of us, because we're understandably charmed by charm. We may subconsciously mark down a potential partner who doesn't ooze it. But Twenge suggests that such oozing comes just a bit too naturally to the narcissist.

"It's a short-term thing rather than a long term thing," she says--meaning that eventually the narcissist will eventually cease being charming, and you'll now be stuck having made long-term commitments to a garden-variety jerk. Narcissists tend to be extroverted, she adds, "but they're missing the piece of deeply caring for other people, if you dig deeper."

3. All conversational roads lead to them. 

Many of the finest people you'll ever work with will talk eagerly about their colleagues and their mentors and their collaborations. Many will talk proudly about their proteges. Are you hearing any such talk from the person across the table from you, or does that person ultimately become the common denominator of every topic?

It may seem unfair, at first glance, for a hiring manager to dock a job candidate points for talking about oneself. But we all know the difference between a person whom we have to prod to learn of her accomplishments and a person who has them tattooed on her forehead.  "It may be someone who talks a good game... but then you look into more objective criteria and they’re not as great as they say they are," she says.

Such persons will likely speak in the first-person singular about accomplishments, she says, in part because they tend to create conflict in their lives and thus feel that their accomplishments are uniquely their own.

Remember, no signs indicate narcissism definitively, as there's so much room for human error in how we take stock of others.  But being sober in our reactions, rather than allowing ourselves to be taken excessively by preternatural charm, can keep us out of difficult situations.

[And I suspect that even seeing one sign can be cause for pause.  I went for breakfast yesterday to a local restaurant, where I was seated by a sweet millennial hostess who sported nails that seemed to have a garish array of glitter and color, customized for each individual finger. It may be easy enough to say that she's simply participating in the rites of passage of her generation. But Twenge and Campbell and others have observed that the millennial generation on the whole displays a higher level of narcissism than those that came before. We'll look in greater detail in future articles about what this may bode for tomorrow's workforce.]

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