October - National Depression Awareness Month

depression awareness
This year I reduced activity on this blog because of many changes in my life. The main change of course is dragging myself out of what I call 'full-grade' depression. It is like with many things: the greatest urge to speak up, to write and to talk about something comes during the actual experience. When experience fades away so does this will to be heard. However no major experience comes and goes without changing something in you.
Sometimes in public transport I see a person with scars on their forearms and I can't help feeling recognition. I know exactly what this person has gone or going through. I know what they might tell their friends, relatives or co-workers and I know what it really is. When somebody complains about feeling tired, down, low all the time, it is as if something ringing in my head. But I know that for those lucky people who have never experienced anything similar nothing is ringing.
So October is National Depression Awareness Month and I'd like to emphasize some facts that are obvious for people who has been there and not that obvious for those who hasn't.

1. Depression is an illness. Think about it before calling a person who has no will to do anything lazy, weak or whiny. Everyone needs a break from time to time to have fun and do nothing. If somebody feels bad most of the time and can't find strength to do something it is far from fun. It's painful in fact. It hurts even more to get criticized or laughed at.
2. Those who tell you about being depressed do tell it to get your attention. I've heard this many times: if somebody tells you they are depressed or suicidal they probably aren't serious, but probably just seeking attention. Why they chose such a way to get attention? Are they being manipulative? Maybe. Some people even self-harm to get attention because they need it so badly. A person may even not intellectualize it but do it out of impulse. But the fact that they even have such impulses says a lot.
3. Depressed people might be annoying. I know how it sounds but I have a right to say so. It is annoying to live with the person who rarely shares the fun, who never smiles, who's always sad or angry. It tires you especially if you don't understand what does your relative or friend or partner feel. Know, they don't do it to make you mad. They aren't naturally nasty or hateful. And it's not your fault that a person you love or live with is hard to be around. Once again, depression is an illness and it's manifestations are as annoying as someone's constant loud cough. The latter case is understandable because everybody knows a person is sick if they're coughing. It might be loud and annoying but understandable. Depressive talks and lack of smiles, whining, sarcasm, social isolation are understandable too once you know what they mean.
4. People don't choose to be depressed. A person doesn't choose to feel bad, they don't choose low self-esteem, they don't choose to feel pain. So they can't unchoose bad feelings and cheer up. It's not that simple. On the contrary one may feel so bad and wake up every day wishing for relief, wanting to feel good or rather to not feel so awful.
5. One does not have to have excuses for depression. One may seem to have no reasons to be depressed yet they are. They don't have to compare their lives to those of hungry African children to have an excuse for being depressed. Because there are no legitimate or illegitimate reasons for depression. Like I said many times, depression is caused by chemical imbalance in brain or post-traumatic experience. A person doesn't have to be in specific socially accepted as 'good' environment or situation for being depressed.
6. If you want to help - be there. If you suspect a loved one to suffer clinical depression and want to help -  talk to them, surf for information on depression, try to understand and be there with them and for them. One of the things a depressed person needs is to know they aren't alone, that they aren't on their own, that they aren't abandoned and forsaken. Let them know you love and accept them no matter what - it means a lot, trust me.


When depression really starts?

The depression doesn't start from nowhere. There are usually life experiences that are the cause. Here is the theory I found useful in self-help treatment. It helps to deal with some repeating patterns of your behavior that you may not like and also it may help you to find out what really causes your depression.

In the following theory there are 3 types of states:

- Conscious - things that happen to you and around you that you aware of (you are aware that you're reading this text).
- Subconscious (while reading this text you're also seeing the tip of your nose though after I wrote it the knowledge of the fact that you see it too jumped to your consciousness) - some things that happen to you right now but your mind isn't occupied with them - same with walking or eating - you don't need to think about each your next move - you just put one leg in front of the other or manipulate your fork and knife and food.

- Unconscious. This is going to be a bit long but I hope to explain it. Please ask questions if you find something confusing.

Let's say there's a person who's constantly late to his job. No matter what he does to avoid being late in some way or another he slows down. He blames himself and starts overeating because this helps him feel better. After awhile he realizes he's overweight and blames himself again and promises himself to stop overeating. This causes stress too. He becomes annoyed and starts yelling at his family members and later on he hates this behavior of his too etc etc etc the poor man becomes a time bomb. What he should think about is why he actually was always late to his job. The reason is not obvious. Let's now return to what unconscious state is.

When we're young our mind registers all the incoming signals and tries to classify them. Like our ancestors tried to classify predator/lightning/darkness/... things into dangerous and fire/apples/fresh water/sex into safe things. In a baby's mind mother is in good things because she means safety. On the other hand a dog that scared him will be in bad things. But not just that particular dog but any dog = danger. Let's imagine this child and his parents drove somewhere and suddenly got into a car crash. What would he feel and see? He'll probably feel dizziness and maybe itching in his belly, he'll see his crying mother and also the sun shining and reflecting in a nearby puddle. He'll hear the birds singing. The kid grows up and some day he may go down the street and see a crying woman. He has just had lunch and his belly itches. The day is bright and the sun shines and sun-rays reflect in a puddle and the birds are singing in the nearby park. Suddenly for no obvious reason the man suffers panic attack and runs away. Why? Because just now he's experienced the things that his mind long ago considered linked to danger. This is what his unconscious mind told him.

Now let's get back to the guy who's always late. When he was a kid his mother gave him sweets every day. He had a girlfriend who he always gave half of his sweets because he wanted her to like him and be his friend. One day the little girl was late and the kid was hungry so he waited and waited for her but then ate all sweets. When the girl came and found that out she first burst in tears and then went to the boy's mother and told her he's the one who broke the window. The mother was angry and spanked her son. He never told a girl a thing just stopped seeing her. Now he's a grown up man who forgot this story and now works in the office. He used to be friends with one of his colleagues but once he found out that this colleague has told their boss that the man doesn't pay enough attention to his work. What is the man's reaction? You're right. Each time he goes to job he unconsciously wants to avoid it and that makes him always be late.

Now what should be done in order to break this circle? First of all if you have some behavior of yours that you don't like first of all try to register all the feelings you're having: itchiness, crying spells, etc. Then close your eyes and try to think about your feelings and find any association that comes to your mind. Don't try to seek for it just relax and let your mind show you an answer. If you remembered some situation try to live it again - to feel it. Don't fight your tears or angriness or whatever feelings you have. Express them in the way you should in that situation of long ago. This may make you want to reconsider your feelings about some present situations and thus change the program. Understand that whatever happens to you is not your fault. It is your unconscious mind that dictates your reactions. However now you've realized why and now the things from the unconscious moved to consciousness means you can control them!


I'll share all I know about depression but I'm not a doctor

I'll share all I know about depression but I'm not a doctorRecently I've received a comment from anonymous user who suffered from a loss of a loved one and asked for help. I answered but I would like to make it a separate post too for I think this is important. Several people who read my posts also asked me if I'm a doctor or a psychologist. The answer is no I am not.

I am a person who suffered depression for several years. Medical help was and is unavailable where I live so I had to deal with it by myself. I tried several medications which I managed to get without prescription which I do NOT recommend you to do because some meds have side-effects and other may not suit and even harm you. I was aware of this. I did suffer some side-effects. But I did it because we have a disaster of healthcare and we do not have any qualified professionals here who can even make a more or less accurate diagnosis say nothing of suitable treatment.

What is more important is that I did do some self-therapy. My inner voice was my patient and my doctor. I took time to sit and think and prosect my problems and my reactions and my thoughts. I cut my wounds open in order to see what causes the pain and how can I cure it. Now there is still lots of things to do. Some of my problems are solved but some wounds still cause lots and lots of pain and I still have to deal with them too. However I think I already have some experience and I know people may need it and this is why I started this blog - to share what I have learned. May be it'll help someone too.

But still. I am not a therapist. I am not a psychologist. I am a blogger. My posts may get you to the right idea or may make you think about something important, or even show you some way for your own self-help therapy. But if you realize you have a serious problem: you suffered abuse or loss of a loved one or whatever else. Please find some professional help. I do not want to take responsibility on treating you through the internet. Moreover I think it's ridiculous. I can give you an advice or tell you what is my opinion of your state or what I think you shall do. I can and will share all the experience that I have but to heal you I need to see you. To see your physical shape, to see your eyes and gestures when you talk. I need to have knowledge about meds that can be prescribed to some people and cannot to other ones. I would honestly like to help you because I know how it is to suffer depression but I am not the 1st and only person you should approach.

However if you my reader want to talk to me, to consider listening my opinion or knowing about my experience that you think might help you or you want me to listen to you - you may find my email in my profile. I publish it openly and I'm always there. Feel free to write.

Take care!


Personality Disorder Information

An exceptionally good test. Although the results are never precise in any of such test because usually people tend to exaggerate or downgrade certain traits of theirs. Anyway what really drew my attention is the following brief personality disorder Information:











Here's the source of this info and I hope you've found it interesting.


Get rid of disturbing thoughts and memories

Today I'd like to tell you about dreams and memories.

Dreaming the future





Recollecting the past


The dark side is bad memories.



Living here and now




