If you were in the woods with a big tree separating you from an attacking bear, could you wear it down by maneuvering back and forth to keep the tree between you and the bear?

A big tree, eh? Sorry, Biff: Unless that bear hails from Pixar or a Three Stooges set, you're meat.

"It might work a few times around," muses Kerry Gunther, a bear-management biologist at Yellowstone National Park. "But the bears have four-wheel drive — four legs — and you have two. They have studded tires — big claws. You don't. They're faster than Olympic sprinters, so there's no human who can outrun a bear. And they're really intelligent."

How about a really fast guy and a really big tree?

"You might make it a couple of times around before the bear caught up."

Your advice?

"The first thing you want to think about is the reason a bear's attacking you. If it's a female with cubs and a surprise encounter, she probably just perceived you as a threat to those cubs. What we recommend first is backing away and then, if the bear charges, standing your ground, because most of the time they won't actually follow through with the charge."

But if they do?

"If they make contact, you would want to play dead."

Got a question? Send it to answerfella@esquire.com.

PLUS: The Saddest Animal Attack Story Ever Told

What Do You Think?