Faith and Values: Set the proper tone for effective communication

March 07, 2014|By Steve Cornell, Special to The Morning Call

Watch that tone!

It's not always what you say but sometimes how you say it. Tone of voice matters in good communication – it can make or break a conversation. If you have to work with or for someone who is always using negative words and tones, you know how much these matter in communication.

Have you ever heard a parent say to a teenager, "Watch that tone you're using with me!"? Yet it's not just teenagers who use bad tones; adults can sound incredibly childish in ways they speak. Stop and listen to yourself when you speak. Listen to the tones and attitudes behind your words. If you grew up continuously hearing a certain kind of tone, it will take significant effort to resist using it. If, for example, you were constantly exposed to negative or cynical tones, your communication default setting will pull in those directions.

Consider 12 tones of voice that destroy constructive communication:

1. Condescending

2. Bossy

3. Angry

4. Snobby

5. Frustrated

6. Impatient

7. Defensive

8. Moody

9. Distant

10. Disrespectful

11. Cynical

12. Whining

Can you place yourself in this list? Perhaps it depends on what day it is or what kind of a day it is. But I am more concerned about tones that tend to dominate communication. When one of the 12 tones is prominent in your communication, it usually points to deeper issues that must be confronted and resolved. A frustrated tone could indicate a need to deal with the source of frustration more constructively. A whining tone indicates a deeper discontentment with something or someone.

One of the best ways to change communication is to replace destructive words and tones with constructive ways of speaking. An obvious example would be to replace gossip or slander with positive words about others. Words of appreciation and encouragement are excellent alternatives to the tones of grumbling and whining.

Think of how many times we could defuse a situation by choosing better words and tones. Parents especially need to ask if their words and tones set the right example for their children. These things are more often caught than taught.

This advice about our words and tones comes with an important warning. It's too easy for us to excuse our attitudes, words and tones by pointing to the difficult people we think cause us to speak these ways. But remember the basic truth that the only person you can change is yourself. The encouraging side is that working hard on self-correction and personal change can often be a positive and life-changing influence on those around you.

If you feel stuck in a bad place, start the process of change by using different words and tones. Making tough changes at this level will help you confront attitudes and emotions that also need to change. I recommend using formula E429 to remind yourself of God's will for your speech. This formula is based on Ephesians 4:29 — "Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them."

In all your communication, also apply large doses of the first two characteristics of love: "Love is patient, Love is kind …" (I Corinthians 13:4). If you follow this advice, it could positively change your life and the lives of those who are close to you.

Steve Cornell is pastor of Millersville Bible Church,

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