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Experts share strategies for effective parenting

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Educators share parenting model successes

Pre-school social worker Jennifer Rogers spends a lot of time working with parents in the Putnam school system where she's worked since 2013. Her role is to bridge the gap between home and school by helping children make that transition through pre-school into kindergarten. Plenty of parents have come to her with questions about how to deal with problem behaviors. "If you have kids, you have discipline challenges. Period," she said.

Licensed clinical social worker Ruth Freeman agrees. Freeman has taught parent education classes for more than 30 years to hundreds of Connecticut residents. "The number one thing parents come to me about is improving behavior," she said. And according to her, more parents are asking for help than ever before.

But getting at the roots of that misbehavior isn't always as easy it might seem.

"When you talk about discipline it has to be in context of understanding your child," Amy Parcinski said. Parcinski has worked in the Family Resource Center in Plainfield for more than 20 years. She has seen plenty of parents come to the center for help.

"If a child is acting out there is always a reason," she said. Sometimes that reason might be simple; Sometimes it's not. "The whole issue of discipline is so complicated." She rattles off a battery of questions: Are parents on the same page? How many parents are there? What else is going on in the home? How long have you been seeing the behavior? How old is the child? What have you tried? "You have to look at the behavior and ask why it's happening. How is it different from what you've seen before? Where is it better?" she said.

There are a million possible reasons for misbehavior and some of it is normal said Freeman. "One of the biggest reasons parents go awry is they don't understand what each stage of development is about," she said. "They don't understand what to expect from kids at different ages."

But some behaviors are red flags that parents should pay close attention to. Children who hurt themselves or others, are overly aggressive, are having trouble eating or sleeping, have mood changes, are withdrawing from friends or can't seem to make friends are indicators that parents should talk with a professional.

A good starting place might be to call a Family Resource Center. Connecticut has 62 centers throughout the state. Created in the 1970's, their mission was to connect families to schools and services from an early age. They are state-funded, offer a range of services and pull in resources that can include schools, churches, and private counselors.

Sometimes just talking with an FRC staffer can point a parent in the right direction. It could be to a parenting class, a support group, an educational or interventional program. Social service agencies offer programs, as do some hospitals. The point is there are options for parents.

Tolland FRC Coordinator Laurel Leibowitz said the centers are effective because they develop relationships and trust with parents and their children. "We start when they are babies and they get to know us," she said. The office receives three to four calls a week on parenting issues. Two weeks ago they brought in author and parent educator Bill Corbett to run a workshop. Thirty parents showed up.

There are self-help books, websites and disciplinary strategies for parents to use. Rogers uses '123 Magic' in her work with parents. Developed by clinical psychologist Dr. Tom Phelan in the 1970's, the parenting program is aimed at parents of children 2-years-old to 12-years-old. Rogers calls it an evidenced-based program that has been proven time and again. "The strategies are not complicated," she said. "If you can stick to it and be consistent with it. That's the hard part."

'Conscious Discipline' is a parenting program developed by educator/author Dr. Becky Bailey. Parcinski said there are a lot of powerful strategies parents can learn with it. "She teaches parents how to be clear and consistent," she said. That includes making a few reasonable rules and enforcing them every time. Catching your kids doing good and praising them for it, and ignoring bad behavior to the best of your ability is also helpful..

Freeman offers her own parenting workshops called 'Positive Parenting.' She said there are common themes running through most high quality curriculums parents can use. "From my point of view there are basic principles that cut across all models," she said. Her favorites come from the Yale Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic and its director, Dr. Alan Kazdin. The evidence based techniques have been developed after decades of research. "Parents tell me his principles work and are very basic - but not that easy to apply," she said.

It's not easy because our brains are better at noticing bad behavior. We need to train our brains to savor positive experiences, according to Kazdin. He tells parents to notice every time a child does the opposite of that bad behavior. Maybe a child won't take his dinner dishes to the sink or doesn't get ready for bed at night. When a child does the opposite, even if it's taking silverware to the sink, recognize it. "Do something physical, visual, close and be enthusiastic," Freeman said, "like, 'Wow. You put your knife and fork in the sink.' Then ruffle his hair. You want to give attention to the behavior you want more of."

Freeman asks parents to spend 20 minutes of uninterrupted time with each child each day. That means one-on-one, no cell phones and no screen time. It can be playing checkers or going for a walk. The point is to have enjoyable time together. That's hard if two parents are working, someone is sick, and families are busy. "It's hard," she said. "Parents have to be very purposeful."

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