Clock spider

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 22:13, September 25, 2011 by Lollipop (talk | contribs)

Jump to: navigation, search
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Clock spider.

“Sure, I'll change the batteries. HOLY SHIT!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Clock spider

“It's a clock with legs!”
~ Captain Obvious on Clock Spider
Clock legs.sized


Clock spider is a type of spider whose primary habitat is behind every clock in the known world. The clock spider is the adult form of the more prevalent wristwatch spider where it lives off a combination of sweat and arm hair. The temperature of the human body provides an ideal breeding ground where the spider can lay millions of eggs under the human skin. The clock spider network is the largest in the world and is controlled by the Queen Clock spider who is the result of an unholy union between Freddy Mercury and Flavor Flav. Clock spiders are found all over the world but mostly reside BEHIND YOU!


Clock spider has existed in one form or another for millennia and pre-date the common wall clock by apprximately 20 years. The ancient Aztecs knew it as QuetzAGH!CLOCKSPIDER!oatl and worshiped it as a god. The sacred ceremony utilised in revering the QuetzAGH!CLOCKSPIDER!oatl was the chief job of the High Priest who would gather his congregation together and ask those assembled if anyone had a rolled up newspaper or a bunch of tissues on hand.


The ancient Greeks and Romans thought that they were smart because they believed that a sun-dial would deprive the clock spider of a habitat and thus deprive it of its power. The Greeks in particular thought that they were really clever, but what they didn't know was that while they were talking about caves and kicking Persians into conveniently positioned holes, the clock spider had adapted to the lack of clocks by moving to Persia and forming building a clockwork giant named Xerxes who was operated by a clock spider. This, in time would lead to the creation of mechanical clocks in Iraq by Abbasid the caliph of Baghdad which would lead to peace in that region forevermore.

This huge huntsman spider was found by someone in a relative's house, living under a clock. He took 3 photographs before, presumably, running from the room with terror. the first one is the clock, with the spider's legs poking out from one side of it. the second is a pic of the spider with the clock gone (it's not clear whether the clock has been moved or the spider as moved away from it) and the third one is a horrifyingly detailed close up showing the fur on the spider (eurgh).

According to legend, clock spider once had a ninth leg which fell off in a battle with limecat and became the being mortals worship as "god". Fools, clock spider will not treat them with mercy when judging them along with worshippers of limecat who will, undoubtedly, be fed to the spider after judgement day. rumor has it that the messenger the spider sends as the "judge" on judgement day will be a humongous piece of cheese, but since the spider will probably have eaten the Jupiter sized king of [cheese] long before then, who will be sent remains to be seen...

World domination

The clock spiders in their present state control all the world leaders. Think about it, every office has a clock. Most world leaders have several clocks of different time-zones...that means that they have at least 13 clock spiders in their office at any given time. The primary job of the clock spider is to scare the living shit out of people but their second goal is to use their web making skills to attach weblines to political leaders limbs and pull the strings from behind the safe haven of their clock fortresses. They had considered using their skills to create corruption via their spinning of a web of lies, but they considered this to be too obvious of a metaphor. Don't worry, clock spiders are entirely safe. One bite and you're dead.

The Clock spider network suffered a set back on Friday October 13, 1307 when their puppet organisation the Templar Knights got really wasted and wandered off. Luckily, the clock spider's rebounded by forming the UX and set up a militant wing called the Untergunther which is a guerilla/covert force that fix clocks all over the world in secret to ensure that their clock spider masters have an unbroken line of communication.

Behind you

IMG 1773.sized

Clock spider is vulnerable! Strike now!

Clock spider is behind you. The appropriate reaction upon the discovery of clock spider is to crap or wet your pants and yell Argh! CLOCK-SPIDER!. Such a reaction is completely rational and encouraged.

Accept their sovereignty

Our clock spider masters are largely benevolent. Don't worry about clock spider, let clock spider worry about clock spider. If you are dead set on fighting the clock spider menace (then you're pretty stupid) but they have one known weakness. If you remove their clock they become cut off from the global net-work and are vulnerable to a silver arrow. You did remember to keep a silver arrow right? If not, I guess a can of bug spray would probably work...but you need to spray the shit out of it. Seriously. Stand there and spray it until it turns white.

Personal tools