When a person wrongs you or hurts you, can you “forgive and forget?” Or do you forgive but can’t forget?

It has been reported that forgiving and forgetting help lower blood pressure and decrease headaches, abdominal pain and stress hormone levels. Emotionally, it reduces your anger, bitterness and depression. But forgiving and forgetting is easier said than done.

There are many quotes concerning forgiving.

“To err is human, to forgive is divine” - Alexander Pope.

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it” - Mark Twain.

“To be wronged is nothing, unless you continue to remember it” - Confucius.

If you review the medical literature. there are many articles that discuss methods to help you forgive and forget. However, a recent article in Psychology Science adds another twist to accomplishing this.

Researchers studied 30 individuals who were exposed to 40 scenarios of being wronged, such as infidelity, slander and theft. Results of this somewhat involved study showed that in order for these individuals to forget, they first had to forgive. If they did not forgive, they did not forget.

Former President John F. Kennedy apparently had another view on this subject. He said, “Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.”

From a physical and emotional point of view, what is important is not whether you forgive or forget, but your reaction to being wronged. If it is constantly on your mind and you continually agonize about it and remain angry and upset, it can affect your health. However, even if you don’t forget the hurt, but have been able to successfully understand and rationalize why it happened, your emotional response will be less.

Not as much has been written about the people who commit the wrong. How does he or she feel about hurting a friend or family member. Do they have any remorse? Do they obsess about their indiscretion? Do they forgive themselves (rationalization or the use of denial) and then forget about the harm they enacted?

The answers to these questions depend upon many factors including the type of person they are. A decent individual would have remorse and would want to right the wrong for which they are responsible. And, even if they are not totally wrong, they would still want to make amends.

If you can forgive and forget, fine. If you can’t, then find other ways to address the issue. In the big picture of life, it usually is not that important.
