Remember assertiveness training? It was supposed to help women work up the nerve to speak freely without being considered bossy and bitchy. Now we're told every few months that there's a social cost for being assertive too.

According to Professor Hannah Riley Bowles over at the Harvard Kennedy School, "negotiating  in an assertive, self-interested way contradicts the feminine stereotype of women as selfless caregivers, and the social costs of contradicting this stereotype can be significant."

Women who negotiate on their own behalves, says Bowles, aren't considered nice and people - male and female - don't want to work for them. And these assertive self-serving women don't get the raise either.


Give a Relational Account

The answer du jour for women who don't want to be doormats is to explain their desire for something in a relational manner. Bowles explains:

Accounts are the explanations we use to persuade others to accept our behavior. In a compensation negotiation, a relational account conveys both the legitimacy of your request and your concern for organizational relationships.

Relational negotiation is not uncommon for women or men. You find allies, align yourself with them and present your case for a raise or promotion as one "embedded in positive organizational relationships." Bowles counsels women to tell HR or the compensation committee that their supervisor suggested they ask for a raise. In her research, Bowles says, this technique helped women get the job done without gender blowback.

Another successful tactic in the research lab was for the raise-seeking woman to identify negotiation as a special skill she brings to the company, de-fanging the request in a way women have traditionally done - I know I'm seen as tough but that's why I'm such a good trial lawyer - followed by a bashful smile, of course.