Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Anxiety is a Thing, Unfortunately

I've decided to write about anxiety since I mentioned how it was a big part of who I am.  First off, let's talk about what anxiety actually is.  A definition of anxiety is, "A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome."  Most people have felt some anxiety at least once in their lifetime.  Usually anxiety comes from having to speak or perform in front of others, seeing something you're afraid of, knowing you're about to fall, worrying about finances, etc.  It's normal to feel anxiety in these situations.  I'm a little different.  You see, I get nervous and feel like my insides are going to explode while my hands sweat and shake and my head spins.  I get this all the time though, for no apparent reason.  I also get panic attacks out of the blue.  I can just be sitting there and all of a sudden my head will spin, I can't breathe right and my heart will race.  I feel like I'm going to die or completely lose control.  Let's just say it's not very fun.  This is known as Panic Disorder.

I also have another disorder called Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD).  Basically, I worry about everything, all the time, without reason to.  "Am I going to be safe tonight?"  "What if I pass out right now?"  "Is my husband safe? He's probably not, I should text him."  "I don't have any money, how am I going to survive?" "I know I'm going to fail this class, why should I even try?"  "Those people are definitely talking badly about me.  I should leave."  "Am I really good enough?"  "I have a really bad headache. I must be dying."  These are just some of the thoughts I have on a very regular basis.  They seem crazy and I know that; I just don't have any real way of controlling them.

I've had GAD for as long as I can remember.  Ever since I was little, I was the one sitting out while my friends were climbing fences and wrestling in the mud because I didn't want to get hurt.  I'd worry about falling all the time.  I'd constantly be worried about bad things happening.  When I was young, I couldn't even watch the news because I thought that if I saw a story of a child who was kidnapped, I would also be kidnapped.

I used to have panic attacks every once in a while as a kid but not too often.  By the time I was a Junior in high school I was having multiple panic attacks every single day.  It was exhausting and my grades were falling because of it.  That was the point in which I realized that I had a serious problem that I needed help with.  I began therapy that year which started to help.

I've been through countless medications and therapists and none have really solved my problem.  I've learned a few things that can help when my anxiety gets really bad but overall I am really just learning to deal with it.  I used to let anxiety control my life and that's why it was so bad.  Anxiety was my life; it was all I ever focused on.  I would say, "Well, I can't do that because my anxiety says no so I won't even try."  Or there would also be other times when I would do things I knew I couldn't handle, just to prove my anxiety wrong.  Honestly, both of those were bad choices.  Today, I've learned to try things despite my anxiety but I know when it's too much for me to handle.  I'm learning where to draw the line.  I've come to realize that this will be a life-long journey for me.  There will never be a true "recovery" from my anxiety.  I've decided to learn to live with and embrace it, no matter how difficult that may be.  I have anxiety; anxiety no longer has me.

*Side note: I have chosen not to use medication because it didn't work for me.  If you are struggling with anxiety, medication is actually a good way to go.  There is no shame in being on medications for a disorder like this.  Any coping methods that could potentially work for you should be considered as an option.


I really love to talk about myself.  Wow, what a great start to a blog post.  People reading this who don't know me are thinking, "She must be really conceited."  Those who are reading it who do know me are thinking, "Tracee, you're really not that funny. Stop trying." Okay, so I'm not funny but I'm also not conceited. (Okay, maybe I am a little).

Now it's time to talk about me!

Hi :) My name is Tracee and I am 21 years old.  I am currently married to my best friend and I'm a super cheesy person.  I like a few things, mostly hedgehogs, naps, ice cream, and my husband.  I don't have many hobbies but I want to pursue my music again (which means playing the violin and piano again) and I also want to learn to bake.  I'm studying Early Childhood/Special Education and hope to be a stay at home mommy one day. No, I'm not studying this major just to be a mom, I just really love kids.  I thought it would be good to clarify. :)  I also have anxiety disorders which I mention here because they are a big part of my life so I will probably be writing about them often.  

Anyone reading this who does know me will probably find this post purposeless but I thought it would be good to introduce myself.  Maybe you all learned something new about me today. (Probably not but it was worth a shot).

Monday, September 14, 2015

Hello There :)

This is probably my 5th or 6th attempt at starting a blog.  I love to write and think it's actually a great idea to let out feelings and ideas on a blog.  It's a lot like journal writing to me though.  I get really excited to start and will stick with it for a while but then eventually give up.  I always look back and wish I would've kept with it so instead I start over.  Here I am, once again, starting over.
If you're worried that you missed something on my old blogs, don't be.  They were private anyway and pretty boring.  Maybe making this blog public will actually encourage me to keep with it. :)

This blog is here for people who want to read about how boring my life is.  I will attempt to make it seem at least a little more exciting than it really is. ;)

Well, welcome to my blog.  Let's see how long this one actually lasts.