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How to Talk to Children About the Shootings: Calm Tone, Basic Facts

Many parents worry about how to help their children deal with tragedies like the Connecticut school shootings. Psychologists and therapists offer some advice:

Q: How can parents talk to young kids about the tragedy?

A: "It's OK to give them some basic facts, but also talk to them about the fact that you may not know why something like this happened," says Daniel Hilliker, a child and adolescent psychologist at Mayo Clinic Children's Center in Rochester, Minn. It is best to follow a child's lead when answering questions, says Victor Fornari, a child psychiatrist at North Shore-LIJ Health System in New Hyde Park, N.Y. "I think you can say, 'There was a situation, what did you hear?' And you follow the lead of the child and try to clarify it and try not to sensationalize it."

Turn off TV and radio news to protect children from repeated exposure to frightening images and stories, psychologists say. With middle and high-school students, parents should listen closely to what kids say about the tragedy, encourage them to talk about any specific reactions or fears, and provide reassurance whenever possible, says Geri Kerr, a Morristown, N.J., marriage and family therapist. "Families should be having these conversations," regardless of how sad or painful they may be.


Q: How should parents behave?

A: Try to remain calm and present a strong, reassuring front. Children under 11 are typically very aware of what's going on, but tend to be black-and-white thinkers for whom every fear feels potentially overwhelming. They may need constant soothing, psychologists say. Older children can handle more details, but worry about how their own lives might be affected.

Q: Are there nonverbal signs that a child is upset but unable to express those fears?

A: Some children may be unable to find words for their fear, and show it by changes in their behavior, such as sleep disruptions, nightmares, refusal to separate from parents, loss of appetite, crankiness or irritability, says Rahil Briggs, a child psychologist at the Children's Hospital at Montefiore Medical Center in the Bronx, N.Y. Children may also bring up deaths they have experienced, of a grandparent or pet.

Q: What can parents do in the days after such a tragedy to help a child return to school?

A: Some children, particularly kids in elementary school, may need to stay home for a day or two, Dr. Briggs says. Read books or watch movies with them depicting a typical day at school; consider driving by your child's school to show it's safe. If a child continues to be afraid for more than a day or two, consult a psychologist or therapist, Dr. Briggs says.

Write to Sue Shellenbarger at and Sumathi Reddy at

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