Helping A Child Overcome Shyness



Editor's Note: After six years of dispensing parenting advice, the Two Moms are moving on. This is their final column. Look for new features on this page in the coming weeks.

Dear Two Moms: My son is 6 and he never wants to go to birthday parties. He can't express why. Should I just let him sit out until he's ready? When I make him go, he's miserable, off in a corner. -- Worried Mom

Dear Worried: You sound as if you have a classic case of shyness on your hands. Shyness is very common. Shy people are hesitant, reserved and frequently avoid others. Social situations can be difficult and painful for them. They tend to withdraw or avoid situations involving new people or groups. Shy people do this because they feel internal discomfort and anxiety. They may have poor communication skills, feel insecure or fear negative responses. The good news is that about 40 percent of adults label themselves as shy, yet it has been found that as they grow, they learn to adapt and compensate for their shyness.

All children experience shyness naturally around 6 months of age and again at 2. It is referred to as "stranger anxiety." True shyness, though, is often with us since birth and never goes away entirely. Studies have shown that some infants react much more negatively if exposed to loud noises and new stimulus than others. As these children age, they characterize themselves as shy. New and social situations are uncomfortable for them and, therefore, are something to avoid or overcome. Contributing factors for shyness other than birth can be teasing or parenting styles that model social isolation, overprotectiveness, disinterest, criticism or inconsistency.

You can help your shy child to become more socialized. Begin by taking your son to different, fun, positive places with other children, preferably around his own age. Involve him in experiences he enjoys like a ball game, the park, an arts and crafts class or the beach. During these outings, when your son is having social interactions, reward him with praise or a smile. It is important NOT to reward him, either with positive or negative attention, when there is an awkward or quiet moment. Try to keep your child from being alone or isolated for long periods during the day (e.g., watching TV or playing a Game Boy). Interaction is imperative.

Since your child cannot express why he never wants to go to birthday parties, you can help give him the words and show him appropriate party behavior. Model taking turns, joining in and relaxing with other children and adults. Explain to him that it's fun to do it his way, but it's also fun to let someone else make the decisions. Help him learn to follow along and be a part of something. When you help him understand other's feelings and perhaps the way they might be thinking, it might help him realize he CAN feel safe and secure trying something new.

Liz used to take her son to My Gym when he was 3 or 4 years old. He was so shy. His friends would join in with whatever activity was going on, but her son would sit in her lap and watch. When he decided he was ready, he jumped into the action and had a ball! Many children prefer to sit back and watch until they feel comfortable participating. Knowing this about your child will enable you to help him reach his full social potential.

Don't expect him to be as outgoing as you or other children. Compare him only to himself, accept him as he is, encourage him and enjoy his accomplishments.

Liz Fine and Amy Wood have counseling backgrounds.

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