Is Social Anxiety Disorder Wrecking Your Marriage?

Is Social Anxiety Disorder Wrecking Your Marriage?

Is Social Anxiety Disorder Wrecking Your Marriage?

Is Social Anxiety Disorder Wrecking Your Marriage?
80% of people with SAD go undiagnosed. How to recognize it — and help your partner get better.

I used to work as a psychiatric assessor in a downtown Denver hospital. We knew that a fair number of recently-divorced men over the age of about 50 are considered at high risk for suicide. Why this group? Because they often lose their social life when they lose their marriage. These are people who didn't develop a set of friends and social life independent from their spouse, instead letting their now ex-wife create and manage their social calendar. The wives got so fed up with being wife and social director that once the kids left, they chose to go too. How many of these men suffer from an undiagnosed mental illness called social anxiety disorder (SAD)? And if these men had been diagnosed and had received professional help, how many would still be married

YourTango recently conducted a survey of mental health experts which concluded that 15-30 percent of married couples struggle with mental illness. Almost half of experts say that in the face of a new diagnosis, the biggest mistake couples make is not seeking professional support. Studies show that social anxiety occurs almost equally between men and women. NIH research tells us that 5 percent of the U.S. population has SAD, and that 80 percent of them have not been diagnosed. It usually starts in one's teens. Even some mental health professionals don't recognize this illness.

So what does social anxiety look like?

  • The person experiences noticeable anxiety when exposed to social situations

It's important to remember that the person suffering from SAD doesn't realize that SAD is the reason they make the choices they do. If asked, they'll say that they prefer their isolation.


  • Your partner doesn't seem to initiate activities with his friends, or may not appear to have any friends outside of work. If they need help with a project, they may struggle to figure out who they can ask.
  • If your partner initiates family activities at all, they're solo activities: camping, hunting, fishing, hiking. They're happy to take you or the children, but not likely to get a group to go.

Healthy relationships require both people to have a full life outside of the relationship, so that when you are together you are interesting to each other and have new things to share. If a partner doesn't seem to have a life outside of the home, they often stop being attractive to the other partner. If you're frustrated with your family's social life, and talking to your partner hasn't changed anything, you may be dealing with SAD. Once you know what you're dealing with, you can take some skillful steps toward making things better for all of you. Here's how:


2. Tell them what you have observed; their avoidance of social situations, their dependence on you when in public, and anything else. Make sure to practice "objective observation." Again, don't make your partner "wrong." Stick to the facts.

3. Let your partner respond, and then find a way to suggest that perhaps SAD is the culprit. Be sure to reassure them that you don't think they are bad or defective, but that they may have a legitimate illness. Encourage them to seek professional help.

4. This next step may be the most important of all: Stop being the social secretary for your partner. Make it clear that you expect them to figure out how to do it for themselves and for the family. Be encouraging and supportive, but don't continue to do this. You have to step back before someone else will step forward.




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