Deborah Tannen: 'Bossy' more than a word to women

7:45 PM, Mar. 12, 2014  |  Comments
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What do Sonia Sotomayor, Hillary Clinton and Sheryl Sandberg share with innumerable other prominent women? They've all been called bossy. And why, with all the important issues women deal with, should anyone pick a fight over a word, as Sandberg's Lean In team, together with the Girl Scouts, have just done?

The campaign, called "Ban Bossy," claims that the word holds women back.

How can a word - especially a weak one like "bossy" - do that? It isn't even as virulent as that other word that starts with "b," which is also hurled at women.

What's in a word?

Sotomayor and Clinton are Exhibit A for why the word matters: That others had called them bossy was used to argue they were ill-suited for the public offices they sought.

But, the way this word can work against women in public life has roots that go deep - way back to the family and the playground.

When I wrote You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, I was struck that girls and women are so often called "bossy." Don't men tell others what to do just as often, if not more often? I encountered the same question when I wrote a book about sisters, You Were Always Mom's Favorite! Again and again, women told me that their oldest sister was bossy.

So I wasn't surprised to read in Sandberg's book - right up front - that she is an oldest sister. This family dynamic throws into relief the injustice of the label: Oldest sisters are put in the position of boss in relation to younger siblings, but when they behave as that position requires, they're resented for it - and called bossy.

Why does this happen to sisters more than brothers, and to prominent women but not prominent men?

Research on children at play holds a clue. Children tend to play with others of the same sex and learn to play, and talk, differently. Girls tend to use language to maintain and negotiate closeness - who's in, who's out? - by telling secrets and reassuring each other that they're the same, that no one thinks she's better than the others.

Boys tend to use language to negotiate their status in the group - who's up, who's down? - by taking center stage or by talking about who's best at what. If a boy tells other boys what to do and they listen, he's the leader. That's why boys are free to - no, they're expected to - say things such as "Gimme that!"

A girl who tells other girls what to do is not liked, and girls who aren't liked are often locked out. If boys aren't liked, they might be mistreated but still are allowed to play.

Given this risk of being locked out, girls have to find other ways to get their way, such as making suggestions starting with "let's." When girls and boys become women and men, those same ways of talking carry over into the workplace.

I once had high-ranking women and men record everything they said for a week, then shadowed them and interviewed them and their co-workers. I found that women in authority, more often than men in similar positions, used language in ways that sounded a lot like what researchers observed among girls at play. Instead of "do this," women managers would say "let's ..." or "what you could do," or soften the impact by making their statements sound like questions.

In short, women at work are in a double bind: If they talk in these ways, which are associated with and expected of women, they seem to lack confidence, or even competence. But, if they talk in ways expected of someone in authority, they are seen as too aggressive.

That's why "bossy" is not just a word but a frame of mind. Let's agree to stop sending girls and women the message that they'll be disliked - or worse - if they exercise authority.

Wait. I'll put that differently: Think twice before calling a woman at work, a girl on the playground - or your oldest sister - bossy.

Deborah Tannen is a professor of linguistics at Georgetown University in Washington, D.C.

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