Wednesday, June 22, 2011

For Guys: Scratching Your Testicles Can Increase Your Lifespan..

Scratching Your Testicles Can Increase Your Lifespan

Karachi, Pakistan:

A recent paper released by Aga Khan University Hospital confirms that Pakistani men can increase their lifespan by at least five years by constantly scratching their testicles. The paper, titled “The Correlation Between Scratching Your Testicles and Your Lifespan” examined 350 men over a period of 10 years. Dr. Burhan Aneeq, the lead author of the research report, told Maila Times that “we should be promoting such activities on national television, as the results have been extremely satisfying.”

Scratching testicles in public, as the paper notes, is fairly common in South Asia. Historians and anthropologists are at odds as to how such activity became a national past time for many. Dr. Ahmer, a leading historian at the Kennedy School of Government, attributes the Mughal emperors for introducing testicle scratching to the sub-continent. However, Inzamam-ul-Haq, the former Pakistan cricket

captain, thinks that credit needs to go to the cricketers. “Pakistani men have grown up watching their heroes scratching their testicles with cricket balls on TV and then bowl yorkers. It’s naïve to think that the Mughals have anything to do with it.”

Dr. Aneeq and his team interviewed hundreds of men during the course of the study. “Our hypothesis was that men scratched themselves primarily due to hygienic issues or humid weather, but were surprised by the reasons found in the study.” The study finds that 60% of men scratch their testicles because it makes them feel ‘proud and macho,’ while another 30% of testicle scratchers scratch their testicles merely out of habit. The finding also concluded that improved comfort
which results from obsessive scratching improves overall quality of life, and thus increasing the average lifespan of a scratcher by at least five years.

A 28 year old man interviewed in the study says that it is normal for him and his friends to scratch themselves outside of girl’s colleges. “Yaar two girls smiled at me and gave me that look as I was adjusting my shalwar the other day,” claimed the participant. Other participants of the study claimed that it was simply the quality of the underwear.

“If you wear those used underwear that you get from Bori Bazaar, then it’s impossible not to scratch,” explained the participant. “Sometimes I use Mospel or Mortein before I am going out for a poondi session, as that controls itching felt in the area,” claimed a young student who
wished not to be named.

Other medical researchers and cultural anthropologists were quick to dismiss the new findings, claiming that the paper was biased. “This report is an attempt by Dr. Aneeq to not feel guilty about always scratching his testicles in public,” claimed Dr. Ghazi Rizvi. “It is an absolute abhorrent habit by Pakistani men, and now after the release of this report they will continue to scratch their testicles
in public without any shame.”

With the release of the study, Dr. Aneeq predicts that men will continue to scratch their testicles and adjust their pants openly in public. He expects that this will become a fashion statement and that
we should get used to watching famous personalities, such as Dr. Shahid Masood, Ansar Abbasi and other members of the media men doing it constantly on live television. Wasi Zafar, a former Law Minister, contacted Maila Times for this report and claimed credit for promoting scratching testicles in public. “My great grandparents knew the benefit of such activities and I carried on the tradition on national television. I was castigated at that time, but now this report justifies my actions.”

Fatimah Mansoor, a student at LUMS, told Maila Times that she is happy that more men will scratch their testicles in public. “I just think that it’s classy,” said Ms. Mansoor. “It shows that a man has character, and isn’t afraid to show the world who he is.”

So guys...go ahead and scratch away. Our neighbours do why should we be left out.

Tip: When at home...wear a lungi.

Understanding Derivatives: Heidi's Bar

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit .


Heidi keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers' loans). Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit.

By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.



At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINK BONDS.




He so informs Heidi.



Overnight, DRINK BOND prices drop by 90%.




local plant and lays off 150 workers..



Now do you understand what hit you?



Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses... She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." And she knocks on the table’s wooden surface She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."



An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake."



Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."




One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"



As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"



Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Bribery Culture of India - brilliantly insightful, frighteningly true!!

(Received as multiple forwards)

Analysis on corruption in India does not address its cultural aspect. We see nothing peculiar about corruption in India (except that

it is everywhere). We see many corrupt individuals in a system unable to correct itself. Our media reports corruption episodically. One independent incident of greed follows another.

Let us set all that aside and look at it differently. No race can be congenitally corrupt. But can a race be corrupted by its culture? To know why Indians are corrupt let’s look elsewhere. What patterns and practices distinguish us?

First: Religion is transactional in India.

We give God cash and anticipate an out-of-turn reward. Our plea acknowledges we aren't really deserving. The cash compensates for our lack of merit. In the world outside the temple walls, such a transaction has a name: “bribe”. In India God accepts cash from us, not good work, for which there is no reward. We don't expect something from God in return for sweeping our neighbourhood streets. We go with money.

Observe this in another way.

Why does the wealthy Indian give not cash to temples, but gold crowns and such baubles?

To ensure his gift isn't squandered on feeding the poor. Our pay-off is for God. It’s wasted if it goes to man.

See what this has produced:

In June 2009, The Hindu published a report of Karnataka minister G. Janardhan Reddy gifting a crown of gold and diamonds worth Rs 45 crore to Tirupati. According to the temple’s website, Tirupati got 3,200kg silver and 2.4kg of diamonds in just one year. The temple encourages such giving, according to a report in The Telegraph in April 2010. Those who gifted a kilo of gold, worth over Rs 21 lakh, got "VIP darshan" (which means cutting the queue) of the idol. In 2007, Vellore’s Sripuram temple was built with 1,500kg of gold. By weight alone it is worth Rs 325 crore. In May 2010, according to The Economic Times, 1,075kg of gold was deposited by Tirupati with the State Bank of India (SBI) for safe keeping. In 2009, 500kg was deposited with the Indian Overseas Bank. In June 2004, Business Standard reported that Tirupati couldn't melt down 8,000kg of gifted gold ornaments because devotees had stuck precious stones to their gift. This 8 tonnes of metal, worth Rs 1,680 crore but actually useless, was gathering dust in temple vaults.

On 11 February, according to The Hindu Business Line, 1,175kg of gold was deposited with SBI, and the temple trustees had yet another 3,000kg of gold handy.

What will they do with all this metal? Gold-plate the walls of the temple (lending new meaning to the phrase “India Shining”). This work was halted by the Andhra Pradesh high court in December. Not because it was wasteful ­ such things aren't vulgar to Indians ­ but because it might have damaged wall inscriptions.

India’s temples collect so much of this stuff they don't know what to do with it. In February, 17 tonnes of silver, worth Rs 117 crore, was found in an Odisha temple. The priests say they had no idea it was even there. But the devotee keeps giving. Tirupati alone gets between 800kg (The Economic Times’ estimate) and 1,825kg (The Telegraph’s estimate) of gold a year.

When God accepts money in return for his favours, what is wrong with my doing the same thing? Nothing. This is why Indians are so easily corruptible. Our culture accommodates such transactions morally. This is key. There is no real stigma. The demonstrably corrupt Indian leader can harbour hope of a comeback, unthinkable in the West.

Our moral ambiguity towards corruption is also visible in our history. This is our second point: Any number of books on Indian history tells us of the capture of cities and kingdoms after guards were paid off to open gates, and commanders paid off to surrender. This is unique to India. We read of battles won after battalions evaporated.

Our corrupt nature has meant limited warfare on the subcontinent. It is striking how little Indians have actually fought compared to ancient Greece and modern Europe. The Turks’ battles with Nadir Shah were vicious and fought to the finish. In India fighting wasn't needed, bribing was usually enough to see off our armies. The invader willing to spend a bit of cash always brushed aside India’s kings, no matter how many tens of thousands peopled their infantry.

Little battle was given at the “Battle” of Plassey. Clive paid off Mir Jaffar and all of Bengal folded to an army of 3,000.

There was always a financial solution to taking our forts. Golconda was captured in 1687 after the secret back door was left open. In 1700, the fort of Parli, west of Satara, the headquarters of the Maratha government, fell after it took a bribe from Aurangzeb. In 1701, Aurangzeb invested the Panhala fort for two months without success. Then he bribed the Maratha commandant Trimbak, who let the Mughals in. Aurangzeb took the forts at Wardhangarh, Nandgir, Wandan and Chandan without fighting. Khelna fought the Mughals (led by the mercenary Sawai Rajputs of Amber) superbly till commandant Parshuram accepted his bribe and gave up the fort.

According to The Cambridge History of India, Torna was the only fort captured in that long campaign without bribes. Allahabad was taken by the Mughals in April 1720 when Girdhar Bahadur left the gates open after being promised governorship of Awadh. The same year Asir opened its gates to Nizam-ul-Mulk after a bribe. The Raja of Srinagar gave up Dara Shikoh’s son Sulaiman to Aurangzeb after a bribe. Shivaji took Kondhana (which he renamed Sinhagad) after the Mughal commander was bribed. The Mughals lost Penukonda to the Marathas in 1706 after the commandant was paid off.

We must understand that this isn't one man bribed alone. He must share that money with his officers, who must in turn pass it along to the infantry and cavalry. Everyone participated in this treason.

Question is: Why do we have a transactional culture while other 'civilized' nations don't?

The answer is that we haven't learnt to trust one another as Europeans have. Indians do not buy the theory that we can all rise if each of us behaves morally, because that is not the message of our faith. This is the third point.

Our faith assures us that God will deliver for us individually, but we must deliver to him too.

When Europeans came here they built schools (there were zero schools in Gujarat before Mountstuart Elphinstone built the first 10 in the 1820s). When we go to Europe we build more temples. Patels alone have built 12 Swaminarayan temples in Britain.

Unfortunately, the European is tolerant and the Indian quite shameless, though it’s true also that he’s unaware of what he’s doing. He’s practising his magic in a culture where it isn't needed. He doesn't need God’s favours in a society that isn't corrupt, that is moral, that is equal. All he needs is hard work, which he’s quite capable of giving. Some might say the doctrine of our faith doesn't support this behaviour. That shouldn't concern us here. We’re talking about its practice, the way we do religion, rather than its philosophy, which is ultimately meaningless.

The way we do it is Hobbesian.

We are up against everyone else, except God ­ and even he must be bribed.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Hilarious Matrimonial Profiles =))

This is Ultimate.................I bet u can't stop laughing.

These are actual ads on a matrimony site. Grammar and spelling errors have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from the heart :P

Disclaimer: I am not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this...


Hello To Viewers My Name is Sowmya , I am single i dont have male, If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalore ... if u like me u welcome to my heart... when ever u whant to meet pls visit my resident or send u letter.. Thanks
yours Regards Sowmya

~*~(Truly yours)


i want very simple boy. from brahmin educated family from Orissa state she is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework

(Wat Homework?)


I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love. I am looking for my dreamboy who will love me more than i. Because i love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on ..........hold my hand forever !!!

(The dilwale dulhaniya effect)

i want a boy with no drinks if he wants he can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house he should give recpect to our cast

(by not wearing his jeans? Wat the hell...:)






(all of us are loughing {laughing})

whatever he may be but he should feel that he is going to be someone groom and he must think of the future life if he is toolike this he
would be called the man of the lamp

(I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this girl wants)

Infact she doesn't know wat she wants ?.. ? A LAMP??

i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and I love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok

(I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is suffering from "Ok-syndrome")


iam pranati my family histoy my two brother two sister and father & mother sister completely married

(somebody please explain in comments section how to get married'completely'?)

( Confused ????? )


my name is farhanbegum and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes

(height of desperation! J )


iam kanandevi. i do owo sistar.he was marred.

(No comments)

( Plz ? for gods sake ask someone to help u in framing sentence )


hello i am a good charactarised woman. i want to run my life happily. i divorced my first husband. his charactor is not good'. i expect the good minded and clean habits boy who may be in the same caste or other caste accepted ...

(but credit cards not accepted..???)

(Perhaps Debit Cards accepted ?.. Clean Habit s??????? Is there anything like that.)


I am Sharmila my colour is black, but my heart is white. i like social service.
(Gosh!!!!!!!! she knows her heart color.)

Friday, May 6, 2011

A True Golfer...!!!

One day a man decided to retire... he booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts and other tropical fruits.

After about four months of lying on the beach one day the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"She replied, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank.""Amazing," he noted. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you. "Oh, this thing?" explained the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, the sides
from casurina and stern came from a eucalyptus tree.""But, where did you get the tools?"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools
to make the hardware."

Its similar to the Mi
The guy was stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she said.

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to shore, he nearly fell off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please." "Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," the man blurted out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winked the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada? "Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they exchanged their individual survival stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man went upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet was a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What's next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned while she smelled faintly of gardenias.

She then beckoned for him to sit down next to her."Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've
both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?" She stared into his eyes.He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"You mean..." he swallowed excitedly as tears started to form in his eyes, "You've even built a Golf Course ..... !!"

Friday, April 29, 2011

A Brilliant Interview : Must Read for Every Employer & Employee..

Some, rather most organizations reject his CV today because he has changed jobs frequently (10 in 14 years). My friend, the ˜job hopper™ (referred here as Mr. JH), does not mind it. well he does not need to mind it at all. Having worked full-time with 10 employer companies in just 14 years gives Mr. JH the relaxing edge that most of the ˜company loyal™ employees are struggling for today. Today, Mr. JH too is laid off like some other 14-15 year experienced guys “ the difference being the latter have just worked in 2-3 organizations in the same number of years. Here are the excerpts of an interview with Mr. JH:

Q: Why have you changed 10 jobs in 14 years?

A: To get financially sound and stable before getting laid off the second time.

Q: So you knew you would be laid off in the year 2009?

A: Well I was laid off first in the year 2002 due to the first global economic slowdown. I had not got a full-time job before January 2003 when the economy started looking up; so I had struggled for almost a year without job and with compromises.

Q: Which number of job was that?
A: That was my third job.

Q: So from Jan 2003 to Jan 2009, in 6 years, you have changed 8 jobs to make the count as 10 jobs in 14 years?

A: I had no other option. In my first 8 years of professional life, I had worked only for 2 organizations thinking that jobs are deserved after lot of hard work and one should stay with an employer company to justify the saying ˜employer loyalty™. But I was an idiot.

Q: Why do you say so?

A: My salary in the first 8 years went up only marginally. I could not save enough and also, I had thought that I had a ˜permanent™ job, so I need not worry about ˜what will I do if I lose my job™. I could never imagine losing a job because of economic slowdown and not because of my performance. That was January 2002.

Q: Can you brief on what happened between January 2003 and 2009.

A: Well, I had learnt my lessons of being ˜company loyal™ and not ˜money earning and saving loyal™. But then you can save enough only when you earn enough. So I shifted my loyalty towards money making and saving “ I changed 8 jobs in 6 years assuring all my interviewers about my stability.

Q: So you lied to your interviewers; you had already planned to change the job for which you were being interviewed on a particular day?

A: Yes, you can change jobs only when the market is up and companies are hiring. You tell me “ can I get a job now because of the slowdown? No. So one should change jobs for higher salaries only when the market is up because that is the only time when companies hire and can afford the expected salaries.

Q: What have you gained by doing such things?

A: That's the question I was waiting for. In Jan 2003, I had a fixed salary (without variables) of say Rs. X p.a. In January 2009, my salary was 8X. So assuming my salary was Rs.3 lakh p.a. in Jan 2003, my last drawn salary in Jan 2009 was Rs.24 lakh p.a. (without variable). I never bothered about variable as I had no intention to stay for 1 year and go through the appraisal process to wait for the company to give me a hike.

Q: So you decided on your own hike?

A: Yes, in 2003, I could see the slowdown coming again in future like it had happened in 2001-02. Though I was not sure by when the next slowdown would come, I was pretty sure I wanted a ˜debt-free™ life before being laid off again. So I planned my hike targets on a yearly basis without waiting for the year to complete.

Q: So are you debt-free now?

A: Yes, I earned so much by virtue of job changes for money and spent so little that today I have a loan free 2 BR flat (1200 sq.. feet) plus a loan free big car without bothering about any EMIs. I am laid off too but I do not complain at all. If I have laid off companies for money, it is OK if a company lays me off because of lack of money.

Q: Who is complaining?

A: All those guys who are not getting a job to pay their EMIs off are complaining. They had made fun of me saying I am a job hopper and do not have any company loyalty. Now I ask them what they gained by their company loyalty; they too are laid off like me and pass comments to me “ why will you bother about us, you are already debt-free. They were still in the bracket of 12-14 lakh p.a. when they were laid off.

Q: What is your advice to professionals?

A: Like Narayan Murthy had said “ love your job and not your company because you never know when your company will stop loving you. In the same lines, love yourself and your family needs more than the company's needs. Companies can keep coming and going; family will always remain the same. Make money for yourself first and simultaneously make money for the company, not the other way around.

Q: What is your biggest pain point with companies?

A: When a company does well, its CEO will address the entire company saying, ˜well done guys, it is YOUR company, keep up the hard work, I am with you. But when the slowdown happens and the company does not do so well, the same CEO will say, œIt is MY company and to save the company, I have to take tough decisions including asking people to go. So think about your financial stability first; when you get laid off, your kids will complain to you and not your boss.