A friend of mine enrolled in one of those shady self-accredited online schools a few years ago, and then started working 70+ hours a week and didn't have time to do the assignments. I helped with the writing assignments when I could, because I am a person who enjoys writing silly things. Here is one of those things. I don't remember the instructions for this assignment or if it earned a good grade, but it probably did because those schools are bullshit.

Moral Rationalization

In Dale Carnegie's self-help classic How to Win Friends and Influence People (1936), Al Capone is quoted as saying "I have spent the best years of my life giving people the lighter pleasures, helping them have a good time, and all I get is abuse, the existence of a hunted man." Carnegie uses this example and others to illustrate that even the most hardened criminals tend to rationalize their crimes by putting a morally acceptable spin on them and claiming that their intentions were good. Despite his indignation at being declared "Public Enemy No. 1" by the Chicago Crime Commission in 1930, most people would agree that Capone's crimes were likely acted purely out of self-serving greed. There is the possibility, however, in the bedlam of his syphilitic mind, that Al Capone actually did have the noble intentions of risking his life and freedom in order to provide a much-needed public service.

With Al Capone's moral justifications in mind, consider The Hamburglar.

The infamous burger pilferer Hamilton B. Urglar has been portrayed in the McDonaldland news media for decades as a villain who is hoggish, devious, and unrepentant. Despite his attempts at thievery always being thwarted by Officer Big Mac and others, Hamburglar remains tenacious in his pursuit of ill-gotten gastrointestinal glee.

Observers have little reason to question the vilification of the roguish Mr. Urglar. Burglary is frowned upon in most societies, and Hamburglar's appearance and skulking behavior are characteristic of a mischief-maker at best. When paying him more attention than a passing glance, however, The Hamburglar's overly conspicuous attire may invoke skepticism. Professional burglars prefer to blend in, so as to avoid arousing suspicion of passersby as they both reconnoiter their target and make off with their loot. Dressing like the Hamburglar would likely guarantee getting caught. This explains why Hamburglar has never committed a successful robbery in his long career, but it makes his choice of apparel -- assuming he does have a choice -- very curious. Perhaps the most peculiar thing about Hamburglar's eccentric outfit is the black mask worn over his eyes. His identity is no mystery to the inhabitants of McDonaldland. It could be said that the mask serves the practical purpose of reducing glare from the sun, like the black grease that athletes apply to their faces, but his wide-brimmed hat certainly already works to that affect. There's also some question as to why the alleged thief chooses to wear a cape. It's possible that his cape, once removed, may serve as a sack with which to carry his spoils, but there are no records of Hamburglar ever using the garment in this way.

Less inquisitive individuals may dismiss The Hamburglar as simply being inept at his chosen occupation, or even mentally ill. His repeated use of the nonsensical phrase "rabble rabble" does lend credence to the latter assessment. A more astute observer, though, may see a more noble purpose at work. If Hamburglar's mask and cape serve no practical use in hamburger heists, then perhaps their purpose is to complete an aesthetic that works as a symbol. The Hamburglar's appearance can easily be likened to another famous outlaw who also wore a black hat, cape, and mask: Zorro. Although Zorro was a wanted criminal, he fought tirelessly with rapier, whip and wits against tyrannical officials and other oppressors in defense of downtrodden commoners. If The Hamburglar's appearance is an attempt to emulate this hero of the people, then it's possible that his intentions may be inclined towards such, as well. It could be that Hamburglar is intentionally getting caught in his attempts of thievery, both because he lacks the malice to complete the immoral deed of taking what doesn't rightfully belong to him, and because the petty act of acquiring hamburgers is not his goal. It could be that the attempt itself is an act of civil protest, meant to inspire hope and righteous rebellion against a tyrannical establishment.

To the oppressed peoples living under the heavy boot of Mayor McCheese, The Hamburglar may very well look like a champion of the subjugated; one who refuses to yield to unjust rule.

There are more but that was the shortest.