Thinking of having children?

Thinking of having children? Do this eleven step program first!

Lesson 1

1. Go to the supermarket.
3. Go home .
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breast feeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behaviour. Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch tv.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.


Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out…
1. Smear chocolate onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

Time allowed for this – all morning.

Lesson 6

2. Get a penny. Stick it in the CD player.

Lesson 7


Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.


Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, Peppa Pig, and Thomas The Tank Engine. Watch nothing else on TV but Cbebbies, the Disney channel or Nick jr for at least five years.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of someone saying ‘mummy’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mummy’; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘mummy’ tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say ‘it’s all worth it!’  And a sense of humour is one of the most important things you’ll need when you become a parent! (I hope it has made you laugh)
Being a parent can be tough but these photos give a glimpse to why it is worth it:-
Some photos of E over the last couple of months
Emily photos
Some photos of J over the last couple of months
Photos of JNow pass me the wine, its been one of those days….
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  1. Keeley
    February 12, 2016 / 9:36 pm

    Hahaha! This is brilliant. Love it 😀

  2. January 15, 2018 / 10:18 pm

    yup this is fab!

    • Lynsey Ward
      January 15, 2018 / 10:23 pm

      Thank you

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