Thursday, October 18, 2007

Of Course You're Scared

I went on my first solo backpacking trip this summer into the High Sierras. I spent four days and three nights at 8,000ft with myself, the wilderness, and the fears that I brought with me. It was a meaningful trip on many levels and an excellent education on the subject of fear.

It baffles me that we spend decades learning everything about nothing but learn nothing about our most basic human experiences. This newsletter is an insufficient attempt at investigating our relationship to fear. It's a start, but the only real education is possible from each of us consciously experiencing our fears.

Note: I want to distinguish that the focus of this newsletter is on psychologically generated fears that hold us back, not the intuitive/animalistic fear of impending danger that preserves our survival.

Our Relationship To Fear

Fear is a survival mechanism. It is meant to keep us safe. If we never listened to our fears, we would take unwise risks, put ourselves in danger, and sooner than later our lives would be over. The problem is that it is often hard to convince ourselves that something fear inducing, such as public speaking, isn't necessarily dangerous. As a result, many of our fears end up holding us back.

As humans, we have the capacity to learn to fear something and to learn to manage our fears. It may seem obvious but people are terribly afraid of fear. Yes, it is scary and uncomfortable to be afraid but it doesn't have to be something that we can't be with. We can learn to develop a new relationship to fear.

It's Not All Bad

Normally, we see and experience fear as something bad or wrong yet fear can actually be a good thing. Fear indicates that we have an opportunity to enrich our lives by expanding the boundaries that are holding us back. It is the doorway to freedom and that which is most important to us. In fact, fear tends to surface when we are pursuing the things that are most important to us: self-expression, love, freedom, and realizing our dreams. Confronting and experiencing our fears gives way to incredible personal growth and the fulfillment of our deepest desires. When we lean into our fears and stretch ourselves, we push up against the walls of the box that we are living in and give ourselves room to live fully. The reverse is also true. If we are always avoiding our fears and constantly playing it safe, we get increasingly scared and limited. The box that we are living in doesn't provide the space for us to live the life we want and we feel unsatisfied.

How To Live With Fear

There are a variety of practices that can help us move through our fears but it ultimately comes down to our willingness to let ourselves explore the places that scare us. That said, we're human and it's not always that easy.

First, we have to be honest with ourselves when we feel afraid and tuned in enough to get in touch with what we are afraid of. This awareness is the foundation of developing a conscious relationship with ourselves and our fears.

It can be helpful to expect that we will be afraid so that when it happens it doesn't feel like something is wrong. Fear is normal and to be expected. More than that, it's possible to see fear as a good thing - an indication that we are moving closer to what is most important, stretching ourselves, and expanding what's possible. From this perspective fear isn't something to be so afraid of.

And don't just expect that it will happen, expect it to be hard. Of course it is scary. Again, this doesn't mean that something is wrong. Being with our fears is uncomfortable and difficult… and possible. So, feel the fear and do it anyway. It doesn't have to be smooth or easy for it to be possible.

It also helps to acknowledge the courage it takes to confront fear. Doing so gives us strength. From a place of strength, we can welcome the fear into our lives as an opportunity for growth, knowing that we have to meet it with heart to live life fully.

In the end what we should be most afraid of is complacency, not fear or discomfort. As long as we are getting that unmistakable feeling of fear in our gut, we know that we have an opportunity to grow and create new possibilities for happiness, success, and freedom.

Be With It

I've recently been through a particularly challenging time in my life. And I am still moving through it. Above all else, I discovered the value of "being with" everything that I experienced - the happiness and sadness and everything in between.

Those of you that know me well, know that in the past I have sometimes overlooked and failed to acknowledge my true feelings. We're all guilty of it; I just happen to be calling myself on it in a very public way. But it really is true for all of us to some degree. We all have times where we shut down, retreat, or avoid (consciously and unconsciously) the hardest and most painful feelings, emotions, and experiences. This newsletter is about the practice of "being with".

What Is The Value Of Being With?

The ability to be with anything gives us the freedom to do anything. It enables us to play it big. To really go for it. To pour ourselves into that which is most meaningful and important. To be ourselves and find our own path.

When we know that we can be with things like failure, ridicule, sadness, and loss we are less inhibited, more present, and more willing to take risks. We are less afraid of what may happen or the difficulty that lies ahead because we know that we can handle it.

Freedom doesn't come from rearranging the circumstances of our lives so that we can do whatever we want, it comes from rearranging ourselves and developing the ability to be with any circumstance whether we want it that way or not. When we rearrange the circumstances, freedom is possible in those rare occurrences when we are fortunate enough to get it just right. If we can rearrange ourselves by practicing being with, freedom is always possible.

The ability to be with also adds depth and meaning to our lives. When we stop excluding certain feelings and emotions, we can begin to open to the full range of feeling. We are more intimately connected to ourselves and the reality of what is. Our lives take on a certain richness and poignancy. In the same way that meditation helps us to see what is true, the practice of being with helps us to get in touch with our true experience.

What Are You Storing Up?

It may be easier in the moment to avoid being with difficult feelings, but what happens when we push aside the tuff stuff? Where does it go? It may seem like it goes away but it doesn't. It may drop out of our consciousness but it gets stored in our body and starts wearing on us, draining our energy, even making us sick. If you are in touch with your body, you can probably feel it right now. Take a minute to close your eyes and scan yourself for tension… What are you storing there? What is there that you aren't letting yourself be with?

Whatever we have stored up continues to act on us. It motivates our actions in an unhealthy way. For example, if we are feeling hopeless but unable to be with it, we may end up sitting around like a sloth or running around spinning our wheels trying to force something to happen. Either way we are out of balance, wasting our time and energy, and failing to function optimally.

The Only Way Out Is Through

What we resist will persist. It doesn't just go away. We have to feel it to release it.

It is there whether you acknowledge it or not, so let yourself feel it. You will be surprised to find that you can handle it. You can be with it. All of it. Give yourself permission to be angry, hopeless, sad, fearful, jealous, and insecure. The only way out is through. On the other side is a more confident You walking gracefully down your own path.

Ask yourself… What is hard for me to be with? What do I tend to avoid? Do I want to continue to avoid it, playing it safe and remaining in control, or do I want to be present and live life fully? If you want presence and fullness in your life, how are you going to create it? Seriously. It's easy to say that you want to live fully but it takes commitment and bravery to really do it. So, what are you going to do differently?

Find Your Own Path

This is the first newsletter that I've written for A Path That Fits. Thank you all for receiving it and reading it. My intention is to write a monthly newsletter that provokes new insights, learning, and growth. I want it to help you find your way - wherever you are in life - and develop your potential more fully.

I'm excited and a little bit nervous. It's exciting to be putting myself, my work, and my message out into the world. It's also a little scary. How will it be received? What will people think of it? Will I be able to communicate my insights, experiences, and passion for learning and self-discovery in a useful way? Lets find out...

Part I: What is "A Path That Fits"?

I believe that we all have a unique life path that fits who we are and what we want for ourselves and others. We also have a unique way of living and being on our path that optimizes our potential and effectiveness. It isn't just about what we do but also how we do it. Finding this path and living it allows each of us to express our natural gifts and create unparalleled value for ourselves and others.

Our path is what we do and how we do it. There is a path that fits our life as a whole and path(s) that fit our professional life, personal life, spiritual life, relationships and family. There are many possibilities but there are few paths that truly fit who we are, what we want, and why we are here.

Take a minute to ask yourself: How well does the path that I'm on right now fit who I am, what I want, and why I'm here?

Part II: Why aren't more people on their own path?

Unfortunately, there is rarely support for the process of finding your path. We are expected to just figure it out or let life take us. School stresses academic aptitude over self-knowledge and personal development. It's seemingly more important to get a successful job than a job you love. Society gives us the message that if we are cool and successful, we will be happy.

So we end up full of ideas and beliefs about the way things are that aren't even really our own. We get a map of how to live our own life based on how someone else lived.How is someone else's map going to help us navigate to where we want to go? How can we find a path that fits with everyone else's ideas in the way? We can't.

Take a minute to ask yourself: Whose map am I navigating from? What part of the map did I draw myself and what part did I unconsciously pick up from someone else?

Part III: How do you find your path?

Finding your path comes from within. It is about realizing what is already there rather than going out and looking for something. It is a process that is facilitated by self-awareness and mindfulness - by really, truly, and sometimes painfully listening to your heart, gut, intuition, and your life - and living accordingly. It requires you to surrender and let go of old patterns and beliefs that you know are holding you back. Other times, the process demands a revolution against the limitations of "shoulds" and what is considered "the right way." It may take time before the inner learning and growth shows up on the outside in the form of a new career path or more success and ease in your life, but it will.

Whether you are letting go or rebelling, if you are moving closer to your true self, you are finding your path.

The rewards are tremendous. The process is full of learning and growth. And when you are on your path it feels natural. It may not always be easy but there is a feeling of rightness that comes from knowing that you are doing what you are supposed to be doing. You are realizing your potential, expressing your natural gifts, and creating value for yourself and others. It is a gift for everyone

Take a minute to ask yourself: What is my gift? What is the path that fits me?