Friday, January 13, 2012



A destructive type of relationship is when persons exhibit inappropriate behavior such us speaking harshly, walking around in a constant stage of anger as committing physical or sexual abuse. These types of persons rationalize their behavior by declaring that they are often misunderstood. They use force to control others, thus producing a destructive relationship.

Victims of abuse, violence, and immoral behavior are often, frustrated and feels stuck in the relationship. . But the person committing these violent acts in the family is usually perceived as an angry individual, who carries out physical, mental, and spiritual abuse. The unhappy atmosphere causes the abuser to become more impatient and irritable. Often, they have a hard time differentiating between the act and the person. This is the reason why the abuser may demand something, lose his temper when his demands aren’t met, try to dominate and control the other persons, to meet his demands. We often see this tactic used by the controlling “macho” male that threatens instead of asking to get what he wants by controlling and exerting the other person because of the pain leading to divorce of marriage. This is how the marriage and family can develop into a destructive relationship. In some cases, one way couple becomes discouraged and begin to detach themselves from one other, and they decide to break up the marriage.
A destructive relationship also reveals the low self-esteem of the victim. People with low self-esteem tend to be attracted to exploitative and abusive personalities who tend to use all types of aggressive and hurtful language. The abuser in turn reasons that he is just making good use of his authority, thus becoming an ugly monster. Before, as well as after, the violent and abusive act, the abuser justifies his behavior by insisting that he is a unique and very different person from his spouse in regards to his sexual fervor, his combative spirit, and his demands. He then goes on to commit his abuse through physical violence and/or harsh words. The abusive person tends to have a stronger temperament; being quick to yell and raise his voice. He is often motivated by a destructive spirit, and seeks to resist his victim, alleging that there are disagreements and irreconcilable differences between him and his spouse. Some men exert their authority by force as a sign of their manliness and strength.
Both a man as well as a woman’s authority must be exercised with affection and care in order not to hurt the other. To be a husband does not mean to be a dictator, autocrat, or tyrant… The man must govern his home with wisdom. We must not fail to mention that those who commit acts of abuse, injury, or even murder are looking at a perilous future. Regarding this the Scriptures declare: “If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy that person; for God’s temple is sacred, and you together are that temple.” (1 Corinthians 3:17).
Through experience, we have come to realize that abusive behavior stems from a breakdown in the mental health of the abuser. When someone is motivated by a violent attitude, and the person is no longer able to control himself, it has very negative results. This usually stems from an addiction to alcohol and /or drugs. The abuse that happens between spouses having a delicate and complex matter. Often the individuals having the conflict causes reactions that are damaging and can become criminal. This is why we recommend that both persons involved –the abuser as well as the abused, seek professional help to find healthy ways to relate to one another. They must see a counselor or psychologist that specializes in this particular area of human behavior.
Though there is no unique formula to find happiness, Christians would find themselves in very similar situations if it were not for what the Bible declares: “At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit…” (Titus 3:3-5) This tells us that because of the sinful nature we were born in, the only sure way to transform our lives is to know true love, experience real joy and live in genuine peace. When you examine your obvious failures and shortcomings, you can ask forgiveness from your family and from Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ will forgive you and you will find true happiness. 
People with low self-esteem tend to gravitate towards insults, intimidation, and threats. Abusive behavior among spouses is very harmful; countless tears have been shed during sleepless nights as a result of this. Living under these conditions is like a caged bird, hoping for the day when the abuser’s irresponsibility will be severely punished by the law. These conditions will help us to better understand the realities among couples having to suffer domestic violence.
When researching the reasons for domestic violence, we can basically conclude that each human being chooses how to act, although all actins do not belong to the same category. We have all experienced problematic situations that cause us to be angry, frustrated, and dissatisfied.
Many people, who have been beaten or injured, go and seek help in emergency rooms at hospitals. One must define the current state of the abuser. We must see what is going on personality wise, and in their self-esteem. Rage is not a rhetorical emotional question. We are dealing with a violent emotional reaction. Although each situation is unique, there is a pattern that tends to repeat itself in the insecure person. Rage acts as a trigger – mobilizing the aggressive or violent reaction, with the ultimate goal-scaring the causer of the opposition or threaten them so that they will desist.

Rage is a violent emotional reaction in the person with an explosive temperament. 1) They betray themselves: a) committing physical abuse against themselves because of their own self -love, and their proud attitude causes them to brutally abuse another person. b) In their inferiority, they behave in a rude and harsh manner, lashing out with words in an emotional or physical way. 2) They destroy their own personal property, as well as objects that hold sentimental value. 3) They commit crimes- when the person cannot stand themselves any longer, when all has been lost, and there is nothing left to be done. It all depends on the temperament of the person.

It all depends on the temperament of the person. Some get frustrated more quickly than others. There are others, on the other hand, who are able to better control themselves and are able to restrain their anger.
Rage is a violent emotional reaction in the person with an explosive temperament. “They betray themselves,” committing physical abuse against them be it because their own self love and proud attitude pushes them to brutally abuse another person.
“They betray themselves” because in their inferiority, they behave in a rude and harsh manner, lashing out with words in an emotional or physical way. They destroy their own personal property as well as objects that hold sentimental value. They commit crimes. In extreme cases, when the person can’t stand themselves any longer, and when all has been lost, and there is nothing left to be done, it is wise to control oneself and not let this rage or anger drive one forward.

Part II
As we have observed, rage is the weapon that undermines one’s inner life and damages others’ lives; it is the weapon that is used in confrontations, and we already clearly stated that its consequences are harmful.
We also previously mentioned that if tense situations take place within the family and nothing is done to try to stop them before a fight or argument breaks out, then objects can start flying and even punches can be thrown. The aggressive or abusive person complains that they have arguments because of incompatibilities with their spouse; so in an act of rage they unleash violent emotions, and if they are unable to take control of themselves, something terrible can occur; later they will feel disgust or shame for having been reported to the police who then conducts an investigation through their domestic violence division. The improper use of angry words that rise up during an episode of rage usually happens when one or more persons use violence, physical force, punches and abuse, in order to get the other person to do what they want.
Those who live under the addiction of drugs or alcohol usually see themselves as “damaged” because of the injustices they have suffered. These people prefer to hold onto negative feelings and are unable to control their childish attitudes, which is why it is best that they seek professional help. With my experience as a family counselor, I’ve heard people say: “He hit me where it really hurts.” The person who has been hurt is now angry, frustrated, discouraged, sad, and wounded in their very self worth, which will cause them to feel abandoned. Therefore, it is important to seek professional help before it is too late
Unacceptable and inappropriate behavior must be disciplined! It’s as clear as that. No one enjoys it but we all need it because it comes as a byproduct of God’s love. Just as in math we know that the order of the factors does not change the product of the multiplication problem, similarly, without the firm love of God, where would we find ourselves today? We must treat others correctly and in love as a fruit and attitude of the Christian life. How hard life can be when one lives in a home where things are in constant disharmony. Nevertheless, even in confusion there is hope, because we can always trust Almighty God if we have received Jesus Christ as our own personal Lord and Savior. He is still redeeming and saving today. The destructive characteristics of relationships that we looked at are counterproductive for everyone involved. These could be applied to any number of relationships. Any bad (dysfunctional) relationship is unhealthy and destructive. The danger not only lies in the fact that it could end up destroying the marriage and the family, but the damage these behaviors cause could continue to have a negative and harmful effect for years afterwards on those affected. Both psychological and spiritual help is needed. You yourself need to examine the resulting damage. 
If you are interested in hearing more on these and similar topics at your church, congregation or civic group, do not hesitate to contact our staff at Voice of the Family Ministries; we are glad to help.

Write us at:

P.O. Box 429
Midway City, CA 92655
16537 Bellflower Blvd. Suite C
Bellflower, CA 90706

For more information on services and events call (562) 461-7727

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