Viola Jokes

Part 1

These jokes have enjoyed wide publicity. They have been mentioned in such places as Alex Beam's Boston Globe column on Wednesday, November 30, 1994 (p. 65), John Hayward-Warburton's article in BBC Music, and Dave Barry's book Dave Barry in Cyberspace (pp. 153-4).



I also collect Jokes about other instruments.

How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
  1. The viola burns longer.
  2. The viola holds more beer.
  3. You can tune the violin.

It's usually still in the case.

How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
Write a whole note with "solo" above it.

Mark it "solo."

What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.

What do you do with a dead violist?
Move him back a desk.

What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola.

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two violists playing in unison.

What's the definiton of "perfect pitch?"
Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.

Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses?

What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?
The seamstress tucks up the frills.

What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist?

It saves time.

The bow is moving.

How was the canon invented?
Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.

Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants?

Why is a viola solo like a bomb?

Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation?


Why don't violists play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.

Why do violists smile when they play?

Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?

Skid marks before the skunk.

How do you get a violin to sound like a viola?
  1. Sit in the back and don't play.

  2. Who cares?

The conductor. Business before pleasure.

What's the most popular recording of the William Walton viola concerto?
Music Minus One

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

What is the range of a Viola?
As far as you can kick it.

They're both offensive and inaccurate.

Why are violas so large?

What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola?

What is the definition of a cluster chord?
A viola section playing on the C string.

Why do violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra?
All those positions!


You could fit in at least one more.

None. They're not small enough to fit.


  1. half a measure
  2. a semi-tone

Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?


Why is viola called "bratsche" in Germany?

Why can't a violist play with a knife in his back?
Because he can't lean back in his chair.

What instrument do violists envy most?

What's another name for viola auditions?
Scratch lottery.

What is the difference between a violist and a prostitute?
  1. A prostitute knows more than two positions.
  2. Prostitutes have a better sense of rhythm.

What is the similarity between a violist and a prostitute?
Both are paid to fake climaxes.

How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune?
  1. Shoot 11 of them.
  2. Shoot all of them.
  3. Who the hell wants a dozen violists?

What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
Drive-by viola recitals.

How does a violist's brain cell die?

How do you call a violist with two brain cells?

Why do violists have pea-sized brains?
Because alcohol has swelled them.


Neither has played together since 1970.

What is the longest viola joke?
Harold in Italy

Vegetable soup.

Did you hear about the violist who played in tune?
Neither did I.

Hold the viola from memory.

Why did the violist marry the accordion player?
Upward mobility.

How do you transcribe a violin piece for viola?
Divide the metronome marking by 2.

Why do you always bury a viola player three feet under?
Because deep down they are all very nice people.

How do you keep a violist from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

Was sind die drei Lagen auf der Bratsche?
Erste Lage, Notlage, und Niederlage.
(What are the three positions of the viola?
First position, emergency, and defeat.)

The viola jokes have been split into three pages. This page is part 1.

viola (part 2) next viola joke page (part 2)

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Last modified: 2002/07/05 22:51:25 by