Quote of the Day, Love: Oscar Wilde

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

Go ahead and search it up

Friday, April 22, 2011

Yes, there are stupid questions

 I tried to take microeconomics in undergrad, but I was so utterly lost, I dropped it after three classes. Seventeen years have passed since I’ve taken any kind of math class; the dang thing pops up again for my endorsement in social studies.

The questions are probably logical, but to me, they look like this:

 Section Twenty-Eight:  Logic
Elevator 1 is blue and on Mondays stops at every floor that is a prime number unless it is a leap year. Then it stops at all floors divisible by seven. Elevator 2 is light blue and on every third Thursday and it only stops on all floors except 13. Elevator 3 is invisible to anyone with the letter L in their last name.
Question 1

 It is new years day, what elevator do you take to get to the mezzanine? 
Show your work
A). 42
B.) Neither C or D
C. It can't run on New Year's Day!

Question 2: If Sally's dog little Sally is seven times older than Sally in dog years and Sally's brother Saul is three times older than the cat; Sally, little Sally, and Saul's friend Sam is 2 minutes younger than Saul. What is Sally's Chinese astrological sign? 
A.) Virgo
B.) Year of the ice weasel
C.) The light blue elevator

Question 3 Interpret the graphic below.
Assume that every color in the above graphic is the opposite of its color as seen here. List every color as its numerical quotient on a graph. Show your work using matrices.
A.)Cup of Wands
B. Sustainability literacy
C.) Underpants

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Olfactory Invasion

The problem 
I like perfume in small doses. My theory is that perfume is meant to be enjoyed and people who choose to be within six inches from you. Yesterday I was at an office and as I walked down the hall, this overwhelming cloud of some crappy perfume like Britney Spears or J Lo, (something by a celebrity,) overpowered me like tear gas. Men are guilty of this crime as well. 
Celebrity gems like Trump and Usher colognes can be found at Macys and even Nordstrom. (Because the average man deserves to smell like Vaseline, twenty dollar bills, and Aqua Net!)   I have an idea for a new perfume; it is made up of pure bus fumes and is called Metro. 
The subtleties of scent
My theory on perfumes is that if you could eat whatever the scents are, it is probably not too bad. (Vanilla, oranges etc.)  Most colognes and perfumes are really just chemical weapons. I can picture vast armies with gas masks spraying themselves with Poison or Drakkon Noire before loading drums of Britney’s Fantasy and Fergie's Glamorous into tanks. It would devastate and humiliate the enemy while simultaneously acting as a slightly milder version of tear gas.
Men's body sprays such as the infamous Axe have tried to appeal to men through the subtle images of packs or bikini-clad women chasing Axe- wearing men, then jumping them in nymphomaniacal glee. When I run into these guys, they come in two breeds. 1) The Jersey Shore alike: He uses more gel on his hair than I do in a week, wears tight t-shirts, and, probably wears more jewelry than an East Indian bride. Type 2 - Does not believe in showers or baths and covers up this fact by applying body spray from a twenty gallon tank with a hose. Once, I was in the hospital and an orderly started talking to me. He was covered with Axe body spray and smelled like ammonia, gum, and cigarettes. He wondered why the hospital had taken him off of ICU. Sure people there already had trouble breathing, but surely Axe body spray made them happier than oxygen right?

 The solution
I found the sign at the top of the post on Google images that sums up my feelings.
The good people at the Minneapolis airport declared a ban on Axe. I love the women running away in terror. 
How does a polite person approach the chronically overscented? Can you just politely say, “ Excuse me, you smell like a French whorehouse.” Would it be impolite to douse them a fire extinguisher filled unscented Dr. Bronner’s soap and plain water?  I urge the scientific community to create at least one of the following:                              
1.      A bubble that would keep out offensive scents or 
2. An objective scent-o-meter alarm that would wail loudly if an offender was over the limit. Heck, it’s worth a try. If robot dishwashers and spray on tans exist, then certainly we can do this. 
Sensory Comparison
Let’s compare this olfactory invasion to other sensory issues. Would you yell in a person's ear each time you wanted to talk, or if you were showing off your new bracelet, would you shove it up the person's eyeball?  I posit that perfume overdose is still allowed because commenting on something as personal as someone’s scent is a very touch subject.  We think that perfume is a subjective thing and maybe it just isn’t our style. Yet, I would wager that if you are bothered by someone’s headiness, so are your coworkers (except that one lady in finance who has no sense of smell of course.)  It is like walking in an entirely different atmosphere.
Some workplaces and schools have made rules against perfumes in certain buildings. The building where I take my classes has instituted a scent ban. Right next to the sign in the bathroom that says, "Please do not wear scents as people in this building are sensitive to them," are bottles of cranberry spice and pine air freshener.
We've all been out on dates with someone who is perfumed from head to toe and has layered every single product so when the relief of one layer wearing off hits, the next one will kick in just as strong. When in doubt, I say just use a lightly scented or unscented soap, wear deodorant, and clean clothes. However, some dryer sheets smell like grape Kool-aid and stale pork chops, so choose wisely.

Who wants to smell like elephant dung, greasepaint, and sadness ?
Therefore, I declare a call to action.  I know that scent is subjective and any given perfume's popularity waxes and wanes with popular culture. For all those hipsters out there who want to ironically wear Old Spice or Drakkon Noire, Bijon, or Demeter's Funeral Home, remember that anaphylaxis is neither stylish nor ironic. Many perfumes have crazy notes like vanilla, verteviert, varnish, or lime, leather, and Lysol. I also have to note the new scent by Britney Spears (who I like actually,) which is called Circus. So it smells like elephant dung, grease paint, and disappointment? No thanks

Keep it simple and wear small amounts of one note scents like citrus, fruit, lavender, or if you like woodsy, sandalwood. T

Now, in the spirit of Jeff Foxworthy, 
You're wearing too much scent if
-You get on an elevator and everyone holds their collective breath.
-The pink cloud of scent that encompasses you starts to peel paint.

-When you walk by, plants die.

-All food tastes like your rubbing alchohol. So does everybody's within a 30 foot radius.

 -Passengers in your carpool roll down the windows. And stick their heads out. In January

-Everyone you talk to has asthma attacks or watery eyes.
- The tiny hairs in your nose have dissolved

Do not try at home or anywhere else
- Your cat has become so saturated with your perfume that it refuses to groom itself to avoid burning its taste buds.


Austen girl perfume spray http://ipkitten.blogspot.com/2007/08/jolie-drops-perfume-opposition-baby.html Britney Spears Circus: http://free.bridal-shower-themes.com/britney-spears-circus-perfume  Dead Plants:  http://www.kenlauher.com/ask-ken/?Tag=Feng%20Shui%20Plants
Minneapolis Airport: http://www.jaunted.com/story/2009/3/27/125833/277/trave /Say+It,+Don%27t+Spray+It%3A+Axe+Body+Spray+Not+Welcome+in+Minneapolis
Sierra Club Carpool: http://www.sierraclubyosemitetrip.com/car_pool_list Tom Ford Cologne: http://senseslost.com/2007/12/03/tom-ford-for-men/
Trump Cologne:  http://www.yournewfragrance.com/v/mens.html

I want it my way!

Image:  http://oldcatman-xxx.blogspot.com/2010/05/wendys-zap-your-ass.html 
A Florida woman zapped an employee with a Hello Kitty tazer. The woman claimed that her order was wrong.  I guess the Wendy's motto, "You know when it's real." Makes sense here. I wonder if the worker laughed when she saw the pink device and then ZAP! Now that's real!
This recession has hit everyone hard and maybe Sanrio needed to branch out from school supplies, candy and t-shirts, to include a weapons division. I want to see the Hello Kitty AK-47 or grenade launcher. It may just be cute enough for me to consider buying a gun.

The kind of guy who probably is on the waiting list for one of these pretty pink weapons
This guy

Sources:  M Kotz, P, 2010. Melanese Asia Reid Busts Out Tazer on Wendy's Worker Who Botched Her Order. True Crime Report.com. http://www.truecrimereport.com/
Emo Kitty guy: http://www.hahastop.com/pictures/Sad_Emo_Kitty.htm


Limited Twilight Edition AXE Body Spray: Essence of Edward and Jacob, wi...

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Male Substitution Chart

Have you ever been stuck in a situation and you did not know what to do? Did you think to yourself that it would have been easier with a man around? No need; now presenting the Male Substitution Chart. If you find yourself in one of these situations, just look to the right for a simple solution. If you can substitute sugar with honey in some recipes, why not substitute for a man in daily life?

Single Woman's Handy  Male Substitution Chart


Problem                                 Substitution
Scary Spider                                                      Bug stick    
in the bathtub    

Cold winter nights                                              Electric blanket          

Choking on peanut butter                                   Hemlich yourself 
when alone                                                        on the back of a 
Jar lid is stuck                                                    Electric jar 


Lack of male, "company"                                   Discrete battery  
                                                                         operated device.


Horrible late night silence                                    Noise machine set to spring rain or ocean.  (note
                                                                          that the settings do not include: adenoids, choke-
                                                                          snore, or noisy nose whistling. )Be glad for that.

Someone to come home to                              1. Rarely go home 2. Buy a pet cat or dog  3. Create a       
                                                                       charming imaginary spouse who exists only between 6 and 
                                                                       6:01 PM on weeknights.

Can't reach the highest shelf                            Step stool and grabber device 

Flat tire or locked out                                     Membership to AAA and the number of 
                                                                      two 24-hr.   locksmiths

bug vacuum, doesn't harm bugs and you can put them outside.

Cost of these items: about $300
Cost of a messy breakup or divorce: Substantially more ... and then there's the money.


Friday, April 15, 2011

Coming Soon

The bestest, most completest beauty magazine ever with articles and features by excellent writers. Our tentative title: Vain or Insipididty, if you have a betrer idea, send it along. Content will be created by all 100% English teaching grad students. We may even get a man to write for us; fingers crossed.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Teaser for Disaster from a Distance Part II

When his wife started attending classes for her masters in nursing at a college 50 miles north, I knew that the relationship would either end or heat up fast. Theresa had changed from a dour woman aged beyond her years to a giggling schoolgirl who wore low cut blouses. While it was kind of fun to speculate about their possible relationship, when it came down to it, I knew that it could only end in heartbreak for everyone....

Stay tuned for the entire story coming next week

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Coming soon

1. The prayer for single women
2. A Sort of Ghost Sotry
3.Disaster at a Distance Part the Third, My What Pretty Eyes You Have.
4. New Man Types
5. The Sign: (part one, The Bride- Not- to -Be)
7. New blog: The Muddelshore Gazette
Let me know if there is a story you'd like to see first by filling out my short poll.

Lame Dating Lies Conversion Chart in Printable Format!

Let's face it, it's not easy to own up to being imperfect to someone we have just met.This discomfort has spawned a coded language which, until now has not been broken.  I have decoded some of the lamest lies and hope they will assist you in spotting jackassery and doofusness many miles away.
handy translation/converting chart by katie margeson

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

On Second Thought

Many churches have excellent youth groups that volunteer for soup kitchens on days other than Thanksgiving or Christmas, and raise money for good causes. These are good people. However, the Protestant churches over the past twenty years or so have incorporated business speak and demographic research to fill  pews. This kind of thinking leads to church reader boards with mission statements. Even though the methods for reaching out to young people are often hokey or just embarrassingly awkward, many churches, temples, and I imagine mosques, have excellent youth groups. Stuck in a traffic jam today, I noticed a van parked outside a local church which, I assumed is used to transport their youth group members to volunteer and charitable work.The sign looked something like this:
flames,microsoft publisher
I did a double and triple take. It was a United Methodist church and I'm fairly certain that they are not a racist group.
I would have liked to have been at the meeting where the name and logo was decided upon. I bet it went something like this:

Play: The Big Decision by K Margeson
Scene I
A is a younger man with great enthusiasm and B is a middle aged man who is calm. A and B meet in a church basement. They are seated in molded plastic chairs. Secretary is a younger woman and is taking notes on a laptop computer.

(Secretary) Next item: youth group logos and titles. (she types as they speak)
(Middle Aged Man):We need something catchy.
(Man A) Yes, that shows our real passion for helping people and spreading the word. 
(Man B) Yes, flames maybe. We need to include the cross but in a modern way you know for the kids. Maybe hip hop or a cartoon bear?
(Man A) I've got it Crossfire.  But what should we do for a logo, a shooting target, a crossbow?
(Man B) No, those are controversial; we don't want people to think we're advocating violence. The logo will be a cross with flames around it! We'll put it on all of our vans, t-shirts and stationary!
Secretary: (Pauses and looks up) Uh, guys I don't think that is a good idea.
(Man A). :Just take the notes
(Man B). Yeah, let the creative minds do their work .Yeesh!
(Secretary): Fine, go with it. (smirks slightly and continues to type)
(Man B): This is great let's get the youth group to volunteer in the poor urban neighborhoods.

Scene II
A and B with the kids in the back drive the newly decorated van down a city street. Offstage,  a barrage of rocks, bricks,rotten food, and jeers whistle past the van. A rotten egg explodes as a sulfurous scent seeps in though  onto the windshield.
B:Why do they hate us so much in this neighborhood?
A: I don't know. I just don't understand. (shakes head)
The End

I think that the ease with which we can create media sometimes keeps us from really thinking about what we write, for example, you will occasionally find typos in my blogs because in my haste, I do not spell check them. They look so pretty that I can't imagine they would have errors.Even someone with little artistic skill like myself can create a simple picture like the one above and as a result, everything begins to look polished and professional. Appearance wins out over quality of content. That concept applies to all kinds of situations really.

Monday, April 4, 2011


The Young Old Man

As I've eased into my mid thirties I mostly feel a little bit wiser, maybe a bit more cynical about some things, but otherwise not all that different from the way I felt ten years ago. I have met a slew of men over the past few years though, who are the opposite of the Adultolescent; they are old before their time. Now life has a way of battering us and bringing us to our knees and that leaves wear and tear; the young old man embraces being old.
I remember walking down the street with a guy I dated a while ago and though he was only a few years older than me a guy yelled from a balcony, "Hey, why are you with your dad?!" I thought about this comment and looked over at the guy. He was old.
A list to tell if your guy is a Young Old Man:
1. He discusses his fiber intake and bowel movements (exceptions, men who have really bad guts, but still not a great topic on a first date)
2. He embraces old timey music to the exclusion of any other types. This music can range from classical all the way through the 1950s.He calls anything else, "just noise."
3. He uses phrases that kindergarten teachers or angry parents use such as, "I thought I made it clear."
4. He is 39 and says he's almost 44 and enjoys it.
5. He carries a huge umbrella around ostensibly to use it as a weapon.
6. He genuinely believes the phrase, "kids these days are no damn good!" and repeats it frequently
7. He is a social Darwinist and believes in Horatio Alger style advancement by pulling oneself up by bootstraps. It doesn't matter if the person in question doesn't have boots, or straps, or hands or feet; they made choices didn't they?
8. Lack of  empathy.
9. Reveling in being set in his ways. Any disturbance of his carefully planned schedule is grounds for a breakup.
10. Behaving like a hypochondriac about every little thing. One sniffle could lead to death!
This type tricky because at first he may seem like a gentleman. He'll open doors for you, maybe do something sweet, and won't try to jump you on the first few dates. But he must be in bed by ten every night or his Metamucil won't work properly. Keep in mind that this man was born after 1965.
. Often this sub species also has a period hat he wears. The problem behind the gentleman exterior is that what really exists is an inflexible hermit. He may say he wants children or marriage but those things require allowing for the possibility that life may occasionally be out of his complete control. His dwelling is similar to the adultalesent, but perhaps the liquor is more expensive. The refrigerator is bare except for bacon, prunes, and iceberg lettuce. He may save string.
Typical Pick up Line:
"Here let me get that door for you."
Typical conversation: "I feel more connected to my grandparents anyway. I used to talk about constipation with my grandparents all the time."
Beware this type because they have all of the negative traits of a grumpy old man but none of the life experience, none of the wisdom or depth.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Me as a Pinup Model!

I thought it would be fun to get some good photos of myself because the only ones I have are either at family functions or my eyes are closed. Looking for shoes online,  I found out about this cool chick Bettina May who takes pinup photos and her sister Tiffany who helps with the styling.  The women in the group varied in age from 16 to 46 and everyone had a great time. You may notice my hair isn't as curly as usual and that you can see my eyelashes. False eyelashes, lots of eyeliner, and hot rollers. It's not really a feasible everyday look but it was fun for the photos. If you get a chance when she's in town, sign up for Bettina's class. Oh, and for the record, yes, I am fully and respectably clothed in all the photos and they are all rated G with some slightly PGish intent here and there.
sometimes you have to just laugh
close up

Katie the spy

Cute shoes no?

I had fun. Originally, I found a black and white halter dress, but the color of my camisole was prettier and my recent purchase of a denim pencil skirt actually was kind of cute. If you are interested, I think that Betina does lingerie shoots too. I am not that brave myself, but if you're a grownup and comfortable, go for it.
looong hair.

I suppose if I can't find a job teaching, I can have a career smirking in trench coats or leaning on stairways. That or I can become, as a date told me several months ago,  a very parenthetical comedian. I wonder what the 401 K, dental and medical comes with those careers?