How to be a happy parent

How to be a happy parent

Parenting isn't all smiles, sunshine and fun. In fact, it's perfectly normal for parents to feel unhappy about their role from time to time, says parenting psychologist and father of five Justin Coulson.

"Parenting is really hard work and while it is punctuated with moments of delight, most mums and dads can't wait until the kids are asleep at night so they can finally switch back out of parent mode and de-stress," Coulson said.

Justin highlights research that shows happiness among parents declines as children grow older, until the children move out of the family home.

Yet this news isn't reason to despair. There are actually two sides to this happiness spectrum - the unhappiness is often countered by a deeper sense of meaning created by having children in your life.

"Children provide a deep sense of meaning for a parent," he said.

"They make the highs higher. While the daily grind of parenting is hard, we have those blissful moments where time stops as we focus on our children and see them at their best - and us at our best. And those moments, like watching your child share, play with others, or seeing them achieve, are the ones that make being a parent - and all the difficulties that go with it - worthwhile."

Coulson is in the final stages of completing a three-year PhD study into parenting and happiness for both parents and children.

How to be a resilient parent and foster happiness

Resilience is the ability to bounceback from set-backs and carry on in spite of hardship. The more resilient a person (or child) is, the better the outcomes the person will experience in terms of life satisfaction, happiness, productivity, creativity, social experience, and so on.

There are a bunch of factors (psychologists call them protective factors) that promote resilience for all of us, children and adults alike. They include, perhaps most importantly, strong social relationships (with friends or loved ones), but also things including spirituality, good problem solving skills, and having a mindset that can find meaning and purpose in all experiences.

The factor Coulson tries to highlight is positive emotions. When a child is experiencing something painful or negative in his or her life, it is unlikely that the experience will include positive emotions like joy, pleasure, contentment, or exhilaration. Yet positive emotions held previously can make a BIG difference in how long the negative experience lasts, and how your child bounces back from it.

When we experience positive emotions such as love, happiness, gratitude, curiosity, etc, we actually build psychological resources. We become more optimistic, more aware of the good that is in our lives, and more able to focus on the positive aspects we experience.
Positive emotions are key in resilience too.

Positive emotions (like love, happiness, gratitude, curiosity, etc) build resources in our children in four ways: psychologically, socially, cognitively, and physically.


Socially, our resources develop as we cultivate better social relationships from these positive emotions. People are attracted to positive, happy people.

Mentally our resources are enhanced too. People experiencing positive emotions have sharper thinking. Thoughts are clearer, and are also broader in their reach. In other words, when we feel good we feel like there are more options available to us to act on. We feel expansive and enlivened.

Lastly, our physical resources are also boosted as we experience positive emotions. Happy people are typically healthier people. Our bodies function well.

These accumulated resources from our positive emotions become a reservoir that we can dip into when times get tough. The deeper the reservoir, the less impact that setbacks in our lives have over the long term.

Of course, setbacks and negative experiences are real and should be acknowledged. They should be lived through. Meaning and purpose can be gained from them. Negative emotions are an important part of living a 'whole' life. But they don't have to become the characteristic way in which we view the world. Instead, our positive emotions can actually foster our resilience and help us, and our families, bounce back from hardships quickly and optimistically.

How to foster positive emotions as a parent

Savour: Encourage your children to 'savour' their experiences by really being in the moment with them. Have them identify exactly what is going on, how it makes them feel, and why it's so good!

Be grateful: So much research tells us that gratitude is a powerful emotion. It has been said that gratitude is the mother of all virtues. Ask your family what they're grateful for, regularly, and talk about why.

Be optimistic: When we feel positively about our future, we can move ahead with confidence. Ask children what they're looking forward to in the coming day or week. There's always something they can't wait to do. This is a terrific antidote to depression and negative emotions. When we're excited about the future we have a reason to keep going, to bounce back from challenging situations, and to develop resilience.

More positive emotions in our children means more positive emotions in parents, and happier families!

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Last revised: Monday, 18 October 2010


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