Separation and independence: What to expect when

At this age your child should be able to separate from you and your partner with ease. In fact, he may be eager to head off to a friend's house for a sleepover, or stay with Grandma for the weekend. Still, helping your child cope with separation now will make future separations easier. That's especially true if your child has a shy, anxious, or timid temperament, since he may be more sensitive to separations.

What you'll see

Your child will also be increasingly more independent of you by now. That's a positive sign that he's more secure and his sense of identity is stronger. For instance, during these elementary school years, the importance of friends — both children and adults — outside his own family, will increasingly play a large role in his life. He'll be able to do more things for himself, such as make toast for breakfast and pack his lunch. And he can help out more with family chores, including vacuuming his bedroom, taking out the trash, making salad for dinner, or planting a vegetable garden. But don't panic; despite this emerging independence, there's a long way before your child goes off to college.

What you can do

It's simple: Encourage your child's growing independence. "The challenge of parenting lies in finding the balance between nurturing, protecting, and guiding your child, and allowing him to explore, experiment, and become an independent, unique person," says California family therapist Jane Nelsen, author of the Positive Discipline book series. So let your child try something new, such as trying a different food, finding a new friend, or riding a horse, and resist the urge to intervene. Jumping in to say, "I'll do it" can foster dependence and diminish your child's confidence.

You'll also want to balance between offering your child developmentally appropriate challenges, which may still involve some frustration on his part, and having him stretch to tackle developmentally inappropriate tasks, which can squelch independence. In other words, let him tough it out a bit as he gets the hang of the vacuum cleaner, for instance, but don't set him up to fail by expecting him to make a whole salad. Following are some strategies to try:

At home Acknowledge the importance of your child's increasingly independent relationships. Suggest that your child invite his school pals home. It's important for the self-esteem of a child this age to show off his home, family, and possessions. This doesn't mean your house has to be luxurious or filled with expensive playthings; warm and welcoming is what's needed here.

Around others A child's sense of independence is also nourished when you treat him with respect. For instance, his body is his own, so don't insist that he kiss or hug relatives or family friends if he doesn't want to. Instead, let him set his own pace for public displays of affection. If Grandma feels slighted, simply explain to her that you don't want to force your child to show her affection when he doesn't want to — he'll probably find other ways to let her know he's happy to see her.

At sleepovers You should also assess whether your child is ready for a sleepover or an extended stay at a relative's home. If he needs elaborate bedtime rituals or clings or cries when you leave him or seems unhappy in new situations, you may want to postpone a sleepover — for everyone's sake. Instead, try a practice run: Send your pj-clad, sleeping-bag-toting child to a friend's or family member's place for a few hours of nighttime fun, chatting, and snacking. Around 9 o'clock, you can pick him up and then everyone can get some sleep.

If, on the other hand, your child is eager to go away for a night, sleeps well at home, and handles separation without any drama, then go ahead and let him go to a sleepover. Just make sure to answer any questions he might have beforehand, such as where he will sleep, and tell him he can come home at any time if he needs to. Then help him get ready for the big occasion, drop him off, and let him know when you or your partner will pick him up the next day. Make sure you come when you say you will. You may also want to call your child around bedtime, if you think that might be comforting.