Turtles Have Horrifying Penises

In Aesop's famous fable, the tortoise defeats the hare in the race because he proceeds slowly and steadily. But now, information about turtles is giving rise to a new theory: the tortoise won because he's got a huge wang and didn't need to prove anything to anyone.

In a surprisingly long (heh) piece for Scientific American, Darren Naish patiently explains everything a gal could possibly want to know about turtle dicks. Without getting too deeply into a biological vocabulary that I fear I lack the science chops to wield effectively, here's an important takeaway: turtle dicks are fucking enormous. In many species, the length of the phallus can extend to half the length of the entire animal. That would be like a person having a three foot cock.

Naish explains that turtles may have evolved enormous units as a way to assure genital contact with their mates — it's hard for a male turtle to fertilize a female with a big, bulky shell in the way.

But turtles don't only use their penises to mate. Sometimes they just hang around and unfurl them as a sort of aggressive show of big-dickness.

Sometimes males will distend their organ neither while mating, nor while in the presence of females. Usually while bathing or drinking, the turtle will submerge the front half of his body, rise up on his back legs, and drop his organ through the cloaca. It is a sight to behold, and one that can startle both novice and experienced herpetoculturalists alike.

Well. There you have it. Everything you didn't know you were curious about knowing about turtle schlongs.

[Scientific American]