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Written by Lee Pitts   

Under Attack

One of the differences between humans and animals is that animals rarely attack members of their own species, whereas humans go to war quite often with other humans. Probably one of the reasons that animals don’t attack each other is because they are also busy attacking people.

Urban dwellers who only thought of wolverines, badgers, bears, wolves and lions as mascots for their favorite sports teams are now being bitten, mauled, stung, stabbed or killed by them. And they have no idea how to react.

Fortunately for them I’ve had a lot of experience in this area and I’m happy to share my knowledge in hopes that their lives may be spared.

Here are the 10 most dangerous animals urbanites are likely to encounter, in reverse order of their ferocity, and the best way to react in each case.

—#10 Gophers—In an attempt to gas one gopher one mental midget attached his garden hose to the exhaust pipe of his car and put the other end into the gopher hole. But because the hose got plugged with dirt all the exhaust could not escape and he blew up his car.

Another urbanite tried to drown out the gophers and instead had to have the foundation of his house raised after it sunk in the soft ground.

You can buy a device at the hardware store for $30 that supposedly makes a noise that keeps gophers at bay but you can save your money and just insert an empty beer can in their hole with the pull top tab pointing straight up. When the wind whistles through the tab it creates a noise that drives the gophers to your neighbor’s lawn. However, explaining all the empty beer cans in your yard introduces an entirely new set of problems.

—#9 Coyotes—Old ranchers insist that every time you get out of the truck to open a gate you should pee on the gatepost because the smell of human urine scares coyotes away. For townies I’d suggest that you be careful or you could end up in the hoosegow for indecent exposure. And make sure to drink plenty of water.

—#8 Rabbits—These ferociously furry friends can destroy a garden in one night. To prevent future attacks hide behind a barrel in your yard and whenever the rabbits are having sex jump out and yell, “Hey, cut that out.” That’s about all you can do.

—#7 Raccoons—Recently a lady in Florida opened her front door when she heard noise outside and was viciously attacked by a gang of raccoons. Really. I saw a picture of her on the news and she looked like she’d been in a knife fight. I suggest you can easily trap raccoons in a Have-A-Heart trap using dog food as bait. I caught one every night for 21 nights in a row until my luck ran out and I caught a skunk. Speaking of which...

—#6 Skunks—Never trap a skunk.

—#5 Deer—Deer are becoming bigger pests everyday in towns across America and there have been several cases where they have actually attacked people. Again, if you spray urine on your flowers and garden that may keep the deer away, but be advised that no one will want to eat your vegetables, smell your flowers or be your friend.

—#4 Mountain lions—It’s a fact that they have attacked and killed people out walking their dogs. My advice, throw your dog at them and RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

—#3 Bears—Bears are invading homes and emptying urban garbage cans. If confronted, lay face down on the ground, spread your legs so the bear can’t roll you over, clench your hands behind your neck and don’t make a peep. It’s all right to pee your pants though and pray that they, like the coyote and deer, are offended by the smell.

—#2 Wolves—Move to the east coast where wolves aren’t being propagated and subsidized by our government.

And the number one pest that attacks human households is...

—#1 Door to door solicitors—My advice? Hope that the buried beer cans in your lawn and the sight of you relieving yourself is enough to keep them away. If not, place a big sign on your front door that says: “This House Is Quarantined.” If this still doesn’t work, shoot them in the rear end with a BB gun or ask them to help you turn the skunk loose in the trap on your front lawn.