ParentDish ParentDish ParentDish en-us Copyright 2015 Weblogs, Inc. The contents of this feed are available for non-commercial use only. Blogsmith Allergies Becoming More Common Among Kids under: ,

peanut food allergy picture

Nuts are among the most common food allergy. Credit: Getty Images

Food allergies among children are more common today than they were 10 years ago, says Dr. Wendy Sue Swanson, a Seattle-based pediatrician and mom to two young boys.

Swanson cites a report in Pediatrics, the official journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics, but why food allergies are more common remains under debate. Some theories suggest it's due to increases in clinical diseases, while others attribute it to greater awareness by physicians and other health care providers, as well as parents.

The most common food allergies are milk, eggs, nuts, soy, wheat and shellfish.

Families with known food allergies should be careful when it comes to the introduction of those particular foods.

Swanson recommends parents be on the alert if a child's brother or sister has a food allergy.

"Siblings are the most like you than anyone on the planet," Swanson tells ParentDish in a phone interview.

If Mom is the one with the food allergy, she might want to not only avoid the trigger foods when breast-feeding, but also during pregnancy.

Children can outgrow allergies over time. Since kids' immune systems are always changing, parents can continue to try certain foods over the years, as there's a possibility that their bodies can outgrow the allergy.

As a general rule, Swanson recommends restricting nuts or nut particles, egg whites and all fish until age 1.

"White fish and shellfish tend to be more allergy provoking," she tells ParentDish. "If there's a strong family history of a shellfish allergy, wait until the child is 2 years old before introducing."

Statistics say 30 to 50 percent of kids who are sensitive to cow's milk are also allergic to soy. Swanson recommends non-cow's milk or non-dairy formula, of which there are two commercially available: Alimentum and Nutramagen.

Wheat is among the top five most common food allergies. If there's a wheat allergy in your family, be mindful of the teething biscuits you give your child. Try brands with barley or rice first.

The appearance of eczema, the itchy red patches on your baby's skin, as well as stringy stools or excessive spit or vomit in infants ages 2 months to 6 months, can be signs of a food allergy.

The baby's sensitivity "could be from the cow's milk or soy protein in standard and soy formula, but if a baby is breast-feeding, it could be from a constituent in Mom's diet," Swanson says. "We often start with dairy elimination with moms who are breast-feeding, but sometimes have to exclude even more, especially if testing confirms sensitivities or allergies in baby."

can work well for eczema, but Swanson advises parents to never self-treat for food allergies. Talk to a pediatrician or family doctor first.

If a child's lips swell or get red immediately after feeding, or he or she breaks out in hives on the face, immediately stop feeding that food until talking with a physician, Swanson says. Splotchy skin is considered mild, but if your child starts to wheeze, cough or experience vast swelling, that's considered an emergency.

As far as prevention goes, Swanson recommends waiting until your child is 6 months old to introduce solid food, at no more than two new foods per week. Wait a few days before introducing something new, as you need a good trial of each new food. And don't halt this trial period once your child turns 1. You need to do this with every new food, she says.


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allergiesallergies peanutsallergy medicationallergy treatmentsevergreenfood allergiesJulie Z. RosenbergMon, 25 Apr 2011 17:00:00 EST
Crazy U, or, Getting Your Kid Into College: Author Q&A under: , ,

getting into college

Crazy U. Credit: Andrew Ferguson

Add this to the laundry list of things that were simpler when you were a kid: Applying to college.

Back then you selected your reach and safety schools, filled out the applications, wrote an essay, dropped it in the mail and hoped for the best. Today it's like trying out for the Olympics -- after so diligently researching and preparing, let alone being in possession of excellent credentials, even the cream of the crop seems to get rejected.

ParentDish spoke with Andrew Ferguson, author of "Crazy U: One Dad's Crash Course on Getting His Kid Into College," about the 18-month process that nearly put him over the edge. Following is an edited version of that conversation.

ParentDish: What is the college application process like today?
Andrew Ferguson:
You get pulled in five or six different directions at once. It's sort of like if you're trying to buy a luxury good that you can't really afford, where there are so many different kinds on offer and everybody is trying to pretend that theirs is completely unique, and by implication the other guy's luxury goods aren't as good as theirs.

PD: Ugh.
AF: I discovered this iron law of nature called the Principle of Constant Contradiction where if you're seeking advice about college admissions, for every piece of advice you get, within a week you will get a totally opposite piece that cancels it out.

PD: Sounds exasperating.
It's especially bad on the Web. Somebody on College Confidential or [similar] bulletin boards will write, "You know, you really ought to give flowers to your counselor who writes your recommendation," and then someone writes, "No! That would be a bribe!" Meanwhile they're all people who have Internet names like PuppyWuppy and LoveSavage69. So you, as a parent, are thinking, "OK. Which is the crank? Is PuppyWuppy crazier than LoveSavage69?"

PD: Everything seems so arbitrary. How can a parent stay sane?
That's why I wrote the book the way I did, which is as a story rather than as a long series of tips. The thing that really gets you through, and this sounds slightly sentimental, is your bond with your kid. In a way, you're both doing this for each other.

PD: How long did it take you to figure that one out?
The ultimate piece of advice I give people, which sounds so banal is, "Relax. Believe it or not, just relax." There's nothing more infuriating than telling someone who's nervous to "relax." It could really send you around the bend. If I had a dime for every time somebody told me to relax in this process I could afford my son's tuition bill.

author andrew ferguson

Author Andrew Ferguson; Credit: Jack Shafer

PD: Ha!
The vast majority of kids end up going to one of the top three schools that they wanted to go to. And any type of heartbreak that they endure is certainly going to be temporary. They end up in a place where they're happy and if they're meant to be happy and lead happy and fulfilling lives, they will, regardless of where they went to school.

PD: It sounds like you were very hands-on. Is this high level of parental involvement a fairly new phenomenon?
I'd say at the intensity it is now, yes. It was about the early '90s where there was a tremendous increase in the amount of marketing and the pressure and this sense that kids had to go college to succeed. Something happened in the past 15 years to convince people that you cannot be happy in life unless you've got a college education. I think that is sort of disgraceful, in a way. And it becomes a self-fulfilling thing.

PD: How do the admissions officers handle this intense process?
My impression is that these admissions officers are really tortured people. On the one hand, they know that they have to distance themselves from all this craziness and kind of tut-tut and say, "Oh, isn't it awful that it is this way," while on the other hand they're in a professional situation that demands they perpetuate the system they're supposedly finding so annoying.

PD: What do you know now that you wish you had known then?
I wish I had been more selective in what I read, where I took advice. The Internet bulletin boards like College Confidential, I found to just be worthless precisely because there was no principle of selectivity. You simply couldn't figure out what was true and what wasn't. There are really good Web resources like the Department of Education's College Navigator. I wish I had known about that because that is fantastic data that they have. It's all very current, it's all been fact-checked and it's indispensable.

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authorauthor QAJulie Z. RosenbergTue, 05 Apr 2011 10:00:00 EST
Books Can Help in Talking to Kids About Sex under: ,

the sex talk

Are you ready for "the talk"? Credit: Amazon

When it comes to raising children, sometimes you just want to be told the right thing to say or do.

Debra Haffner, a former president of the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States (SIECU), who has been at the forefront of sexual education for more than 25 years, does just that for parents interested in providing a healthy framework for their children's current and future sexual education.

In her book, "From Diapers to Dating: A Parent's Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Children from Infancy to Middle School," Haffner not only tells you what to say or do, she also tells you how and when.

The book opens with an explanation of what sexually healthy families look and sound like, and offers guidelines for good communication and how to find teachable moments, of which you'll find there are many once you've attuned yourself to them.

Nice touches include a write-up on the caregiver's role in all this, as well as sections on divorce and helping your child deal with hostile hallways. There's a fantastic appendix in this revised edition with websites, additional readings, videos, organizations and hotlines. The foreword was written by her 13-year-old daughter.

In her next book in the series, "Beyond the Big Talk: A Parent's Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Teens from Middle School to High School and Beyond," Haffner implores parents not to engage in "adult amnesia," a condition in which parents forget the particular turmoil of the adolescent years.

Channeling that angst can be key in parents' abilities to empathize with their teens. "Beyond the Big Talk" covers typical concerns about the middle school years, such as peer pressure, dating, school dances and unsupervised time. Haffner offers tips on helping your teen set sexual limits, as well as how to stay connected and what to do if your child comes to you saying, "I think I'm pregnant" or "I think I'm gay."

There's also a chapter for ages 18 to 21, which can be particularly relevant, as many young adults are continuing to live at home after high school.

Haffner isn't the only expert writing about teens and sex.

"The Real Truth About Teens and Sex" by Sabrina Weill, former editor-in-chief at Seventeen magazine and editor of Choices, Scholastic's teen health magazine (and a ParentDish blogger), is the book your kids don't want you to read. Perhaps the subtitle says it all: From Hooking Up to Friends With Benefits: What Teens Are Thinking, Doing and Talking About, and How to Help Them Make Smart Choices.

This book includes results from an exclusive nationwide survey of teens, who apparently have no problem telling Weill things they would never tell their own parents.

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birds and beesevergreenkidsparenting expertsexsex edsex educationteen sexteen sexualityteensJulie Z. RosenbergThu, 31 Mar 2011 11:00:00 EST
Building the Branches of Your Family Tree under: , ,

family tree picture

Family photos will help with your research. Credit: rick, Flickr

Google the phrase "family tree" and you may be overwhelmed by what you see. Certainly, there's no shortage of sites to help you navigate through the world of genealogy. But just like an oak tree starts out as an acorn, you need to start small and build your way up.

Here's what you need to know to get your seedling started.

"First, identify the oldest people in your family," Guillermo Fernandez, a budding genealogist who has been tracking his family's heritage for the past 15 years, tells ParentDish. Arrive for interviews armed with photos and ask about specific people and events to trigger memories.

Ask to see their photos, too, and then scan them into your computer. Names, dates and other factual information is great to get out of the way first, but the real meat comes from family lore and anecdotes. You're bound to hear some amazing stories. If permissible, consider video or audio taping these sessions.

Next, gather as much paper documentation as you can. This includes birth, marriage and death certificates, photos (those with names and dates on the back are ideal) and possibly even family heirlooms. You never know what you might find buried in your basement or stowed in your attic. See if your relatives have boxes in the deep recesses of their own homes that they might allow you to access. Think of it as a treasure hunt with the prize being a closer connection to your past.

Here are some online resources to aid in your search:

  • and allow you to search data from thousands of cemeteries around the world.
  •, created and maintained by a group of volunteer genealogists, organizes free genealogy sites by county and state. WorldGenWeb Project is the international version.
  • works in conjunction with the U.S. National Archives, offering data, original records and images.
  • Nearly half of the U.S. population can trace their roots to Ellis Island. Consequently, its site is a treasure trove of data. Click on the genealogy tab for useful tidbits and tools.
  • ProGenealogists is a consortium of professional genealogists with experience, knowledge and access to billions of records.
  • Here are two well-established online sites that can help you store and organize your data: As the largest online resource for family history, users can search from four billion historical records, with millions of names being added weekly., the online component of its bimonthly print publication, offers a free weekly e-newsletter, several blogs, online video tutorials and more.
The Internet just keeps getting more sophisticated with its genealogy research data and digital products. Fernandez gives a shout-out to, which he says is trying to be the Facebook of genealogy.

"In fact," he says, "you can actually log in using your Facebook profile."

Once there, you can link up with other family members on the site and share photos, videos and events, create discussion threads and more. And because it's private, no one can view your information without your permission.


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ancestorsancestryancestry.comevergreenfamiliesfamilyfamily funfamily tiesFamily TimeFamilyFunFamilyTiesFamilyTimegenealogygenealogy databasesgenealogy tree framesGenealogy.comGenealogyDatabasesGenealogyTreeFramesJulie Z. RosenbergWed, 30 Mar 2011 17:00:00 EST
Picky Eaters? The Sneaky Chef Offers Tips to Get Your Kids to Try Healthy Foods under: , , , ,

Mac N Cheese muffins from The Sneaky Chef

Mac N Cheese Muffins from The Sneaky Chef. Credit: Photograph (C) Jerry Errico

As The Sneaky Chef, Missy Chase Lapine has spent years perfecting hundreds of recipes for foods kids love -- only sneakily fortified with hidden superfoods such as fruits, veggies, whole grains, beans, wheat germ and more.

The trick is to add the superfoods invisibly. Lapine urges you to try these Sneaky Chef tips to get your picky eaters to eat healthy meals:

  1. 1. Don't plead, beg, threaten or bribe. This will only result in a power struggle. The less you show them that you care about what they are eating, the more likely they are to try the healthy foods you secretly want them to eat.
  2. 2. Shh! Don't tell them it's healthy! Defying some sort of logic, when children know something is good for them, they think it can't possibly taste good, even if it really does.
  3. 3. Hide healthy foods in kids' favorite meals. Puree cauliflower and zucchini and mix them into the cheese sauce for mac 'n' cheese, or puree yams and carrots and mix them into tomato sauce served over pasta.
  4. 4. Borrow smart packaging concepts from the food manufacturers. Let kids make up a funny new name for a vegetable or serve veggies on a skewer, in an ice cream cone or on toothpicks with fun dips. Make eating a new vegetable an adventure by serving a whole artichoke and allowing kids to peel the leaves and scrape the flesh against their teeth. Serve fresh green peas in the shell and let your children pick the sweet peas out of the pod, or cut open a fresh pomegranate and let them pick out each juicy seed. Hint: always serve the new vegetable alone, with no competition from a favorite, less healthy food, and serve it to kids when they are hungriest.

RECIPE: The Sneaky Chef's Mac N Cheese Muffins with Hidden Orange Puree

A handy lunch box alternative for kids who are tired of sandwiches or just won't eat them, The Sneaky Chef mac 'n' cheese formula is tried and true. This version becomes a hand-held meal that can be popped into kids' lunch boxes. No fork is needed -- eat them just like a muffin. (For some reason, children prefer to give up flatware whenever they can, to eat with their hands.) Kids don't mind them cold, so make ahead and freeze, then take them out and put into the fridge the night before.

Makes 8 muffins

  • 4 large eggs
  • 1 cup Orange Puree (see make-ahead recipe below)
  • 2 cups low-fat shredded cheese
  • 2 cups cooked macaroni
  • Salt and pepper to taste
Below are two ways to cook the muffins:

Oven-baked method: Preheat oven to 350 degrees and line a muffin tin with paper liners. Lightly spray liners with oil.

In a mixing bowl, whisk the eggs and Orange Puree. Mix in the macaroni and &frac34; cup of the cheese. Divide the mixture evenly among the 8 muffin cups. Top each with about 1 tablespoon of cheese and bake for 20 to 22 minutes, until cheese is lightly browned and bubbly on top. Season with salt and pepper to taste.

Microwave method: Line 8 microwave-safe ramekins or custard cups with paper muffin liners. Lightly spray liners with oil.

In a mixing bowl, whisk the eggs and Orange Puree. Mix in the macaroni and &frac34; cup of the cheese. Divide the mixture evenly among the 8 lined ramekins. Top each with about 1 tablespoon of cheese and microwave on high for 3 minutes. Season with salt and pepper to taste.

The Sneaky Chef Orange Puree

The following make-ahead recipe blends excellently in pizza, pasta and cheese sauces, bringing a big nutritional boost to meals that usually aren't thought of as health foods.

  • 1 medium sweet potato or yam, peeled and rough chopped
  • 3 medium to large carrots, peeled and sliced into thick chunks
  • 2 to 3 tablespoons water
In a medium pot, cover carrots and potatoes with cold water. Boil 20 minutes until tender. (Thoroughly cook carrots or they'll leave telltale nuggets -- a gigantic no-no for The Sneaky Chef). Drain vegetables. Puree on high in food processor with 2 tablespoons water, until completely smooth. Use the rest of the water to make a smooth puree.

Makes about 2 cups of puree. Store in refrigerator up to 3 days, or freeze in &frac14; cup portions in plastic containers.

Missy Chase Lapine is the author of "Sneaky Fitness: Fun, Foolproof Ways to Slip Fitness Into Your Child's Everyday Life."

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eatevergreenmac-n-cheesemealspicky eaterspicky-eatersrecipesuperfoodsJulie Z. RosenbergMon, 28 Mar 2011 17:30:00 EST
Use Online Tools to Find Baby Sitter Jobs under: ,

Mother's helper. Credit: Getty Images

Babysitting ain't what it used to be.

Once upon a time, you watched the neighborhood kids and got paid a few bucks for it. Now, it's more like a competitive sport. Preparation, skill and knowledge are at the core of getting and keeping business. Certificates in CPR, first aid and the Heimlich maneuver are de rigueur these days, all of which are easily acquired through neighborhood organizations such as your local Red Cross or YMCA.

And don't be surprised if your potential employer asks for your Social Security number in order to do a background check. That, too, has become par for the course.

A lot has changed in the past five to 10 years, due in part to the proliferation of the Internet. Genevieve Thiers, credited for creating a new industry when she launched Sittercity, in 2001, tells ParentDish the Internet is like the town employer, and says baby sitters seeking work would be remiss not to use it to their advantage.

There are numerous sites on which to advertise baby-sitting services, as well as find available jobs, including, and

It's wise to arrive at any interview armed with a list of questions. For starters, ask about the kids' likes and dislikes, any medical conditions or allergies and house rules, such as bedtime and TV or computer use. Sittercity has a comprehensive list of questions in its Baby-sitting Library.

Now, what to charge? That's a difficult subject for most people. Thiers tells ParentDish in a phone interview that it's good to have data before you disclose your rate. For example, what's the going rate in your neighborhood for someone your age and with similar experience?

Also, are you in or near a metro area? If so, that affects the rate, as well. A great resource is Sittercity's rate calculator, which asks for your ZIP code, number of children, age of the sitter and years of experience. Advanced features take additional factors into consideration, such as the age of the children, whether it's an overnight job or if a child has special needs.
Caregiver profiles on Sittercity start at age 18. If you're between the ages of 12 and 18, Thiers recommends you find work by talking to your parents' friends, as well as seeking out other personal networks such as church, synagogue or even your school's PTA. You can also create fliers and post them wherever local parents spend time: coffee shops, fitness centers, grocery stores, etc.

If you've never baby-sat before, you might want to start out as a mother's helper. Thiers describes it as a young sitter-in-training, where you watch the kids while the child's parent is also there.
If you have strong skills in a particular subject such as math or science, be sure to advertise them, as you can parlay them into a hybrid position of babysitter/tutor, which will enable you to charge a higher hourly rate.


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Babysitterevergreennanniesnannysitterycity.comJulie Z. RosenbergFri, 25 Mar 2011 10:30:00 EST
'Positive Discipline for Children With Special Needs': Author Q&A under: ,

positive discipline Children with special needs need discipline, just like every other kid on the planet. How else are they going to learn about limits and boundaries, right from wrong and the basics of socially acceptable behavior?

According to the authors of the new book "Positive Discipline for Children with Special Needs," there's "a huge temptation for many parents of children with special needs" to pamper their kids.

But, they say, that only does the child a disservice. All children, including those with special needs, deserve the chance to feel capable, important and self-possessed, all of which can be learned using the tools in "Positive Discipline."

ParentDish recently spoke with two of the book's three authors, Steven Foster, L.C.S.W., and Arlene Raphael, M.S. An edited version of the conversation follows.

ParentDish: What makes this book different and useful for parents of children with special needs?
Steven Foster:
In all the "Positive Discipline" books, which essentially deal with helping children who are behaving in ways that parents and teachers wish they wouldn't, we're trying to figure out what a child's mistaken belief about belonging and significance is, in order to help them express their need differently. In this book, we arrived at a concept we call "innocent behavior."

author steven foster

Author Steven Foster

PD: What's that?
There are lots of conditions that drive kids to behave in particular ways. For example, kids with attention deficit disorder are often going to be impulsive or unable to focus. When kids are behaving in ways dictated by their conditions, they really are behaving innocently. In other words, they're not doing it to make us mad. One of the big thrusts of the book is to be able to differentiate between a behavior driven by a particular condition (innocent behavior) and a behavior that is reflective of mistaken goals about belonging and significance.

PD: What's a "mistaken goal"?
Here's an example: If I'm leading a (preschool) circle time and I have a child who is interrupting me because she really wants to tell me something. I at first say, "Nope, not now. I need to first finish what I am saying and then I will listen." She might stop for a minute or two, but then feel compelled to start interrupting again. That is a mistaken goal called "undue attention," which means in that moment, what that child believes about belonging and being important, involves being the center of attention.

PD: How can you tell the difference between innocent behavior and mistaken goals?
There are clues to mistaken goal behavior. For undue attention, often, the first clue is the adult being annoyed. And then a behavioral clue would be, "Am I intervening with a child who might stop briefly, but then might start up again?"

PD: Seems difficult to do, especially in the heat of the moment.
We will misinterpret things and it then becomes our job to mend fences. ... It's really OK for parents to make mistakes. In the long run, kids aren't going to learn to fix mistakes unless they see us making them and making a point of fixing them.

PD: If we can't tell, how do we know what methods to use?
The range of "Positive Discipline" tools will be helpful, whether or not you know if the behavior is innocent or mistaken.

author arlene raphael

Author Arlene Raphael

PD: A lot of parents of kids with special needs make concessions. Any advice?
Arlene Raphael:
In the book, we talk about how to create an environment that teaches children behaviors that are socially useful. (Parents should) try to shift away from, "Oh, my poor child has a special needs condition, we have to help him out" to "What can we teach? What can we focus on?" That shifts the focus of feeling guilty about the child's problem to being proactive and focusing on the child's strengths.

PD: Ah, guilt. The all-powerful parental guilt.
Parents with kids of severe special needs or highly impacted children often feel guilty. Many feel their child is getting a raw deal in the world, and they want to make it better. That's a very universal impulse.

PD: So how do we assuage the guilt but not make concessions?
In special ed terms, accommodations are things we do to help children be capable; things we can put in place so that the playing field for the child is roughly equivalent to the playing field for a child without special needs. Things like special chairs, rearranging furniture, visual symbols to help children remember things. Allowances are things like, "We need to let him take toys because he doesn't know how to ask for a turn yet." Allowances aren't all that helpful.

PD: When you put it that way, it sounds obvious.
Kids with special needs have a right to struggle. That can be counter-intuitive since they're already struggling, but when we make things too easy for them, we are not helping them develop the belief about themselves that they are capable and they can learn to solve problems. And those, we believe, are universal human needs.

PD: As a parent, it's hard to deal with a child who has additional obstacles on top of the normal frustrations of being a kid.
Help your child be frustrated and find ways to deal with frustration. Notice that I said, "find a way to be frustrated." We're not ever going to be able to -- nor would it be desirable -- to create worlds in which the children we raise or teach are not angry, are not disappointed, are not frustrated. We look at those sorts of things as muscles, and if you don't learn to flex them in socially appropriate ways, they don't develop. People really do need to learn how to be angry effectively and how to be frustrated or disappointed effectively.

PD: What's the main message of your book?
The overwhelming need to be connected to other people in a positive way, and the overwhelming need to feel significant and capable, is equally true for children with special needs as it is for children without them. Your kids really aren't that different.


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adddisciplineinterviewpositive disciplinespecial needsJulie Z. RosenbergThu, 24 Mar 2011 16:00:00 EST
'Parentless Parents': Q&A With Author Allison Gilbert under: ,

parentless parents

"Parentless Parents" looks at the growing number of adults whose parents have died. Credit: Hyperion

People are living longer, but apparently not long enough to make up for the "advanced maternal age" in which women are having children today, resulting in many parentless parents and grandparentless grandchildren.

It's a growing demographic, and one that's underexplored, says Allison Gilbert, author of "Parentless Parents: How the Loss of Our Mothers and Fathers Impacts the Way We Raise Our Children." A parentless parent herself, Gilbert says she was surprised no one was writing about the phenomenon or doing the requisite research.

So, Gilbert, who lives in New York with her husband, Mark, and her children, Jake, 10, and Lexi, 8, took it upon herself to explore this emergent population. ParentDish recently spoke with her about her new book. An edited version of the conversation follows.

ParentDish: What are some of the unique challenges for a parentless parent?
Allison Gilbert:
I'll give an example from my own life. When my husband's parents talk about, "Oh, your dad used to do X, Y and Z when he was a kid," or, "I remember when your dad used to do that," my kids don't have that (from my side of the family). So, as their mom, I'm less complete to them because they can hear those stories about my husband from his parents and they get to see my husband being a son (but) they don't get to see me doing those things. I'm much more one-dimensional to them.

PD: That's tough. Are there positive aspects about being a parentless parent?
There are so many things that are life affirming. If you approach this in a proactive way, there are so many things you can do to keep the memory of your parents alive in very fun, creative, age-appropriate ways. When you close that last page of my book, you're not sad that you've read this book. You're actually feeling empowered and supported and you come away with great ideas.

PD: So, it's not all doom and gloom?
The most important takeaway I can give to anyone who is thinking about reading the book, (is that) there is so much empowering information in here. It's not doom and gloom, it's not "woe is me." But, more than that, your children can actually benefit because you've actually been through this experience; you've learned life lessons you can actually use for your own parenting and children.

PD: Such as?
Parents who have been through this loss have a very fine appreciation for what's a small problem and what's a big problem. When your kids are going through ups and downs -- "You're going to get a bad grade. That boy is going to break up with you. You're not going to make the baseball team" -- I really think that going through this experience allows you to have perspective, and that can help you help your kids also gain perspective. A parent who has gone through some negative experiences can let kids pull back the curtain and see the other side perhaps more readily.

Author Allison Gilbert. Credit: Robert Tardio

PD: You wrote a chapter about keeping the memory of your parents alive. Any examples?
My father was an architect and he was involved with building the corporate offices of the New York Giants. And my son is a huge football fan. I called the Giants corporate offices, explained who I was and what my dad did and asked if I could bring my kids on a tour of the corporate offices. We got one better and went to Giants Stadium before a game and got to be on the field during warm up. My son was in heaven.

PD: How old was he when you did this?
Jake was 9 1/2. I guarantee you he knows his grandfather was an architect, he knows that one of his clients was the Giants, and, for the rest of his life, he will remember that it was his grandpa who paved the way for him to have this incredibly memorable and important experience. It made my father become more real to them.

PD: Wow. That's fantastic.
My mom worked in a typical office, but I did the same thing with my kids for her. I wanted them to meet her coworkers. I wanted them to see the view outside Grandma's window. I think those kinds of trips and experiences are really possible. These types of field trips have the ability to make people more real, who perhaps your children have never met.

PD: What about introducing surrogate grandparents?
One of the wonderful lessons that I have come away with is that there is such a thing as redefining family. That just because your immediate family is now different than what it once was, and that the two people who you would want most to share in your children's milestones and actually applaud at your child's dance recital or cheer at your son's basketball game, they are not ever going to be replaced. But you can develop relationships with people who can fill the gap. Certainly never completely, but you can move in that direction.

PD: How does one go about finding such surrogates?
There's a matter of extending yourself and realizing that these relationships aren't going to just show up. You actually have to be proactive and seek them out and be receptive to them when they materialize, because people don't know if you want that from them. If you are open and receptive, these are relationships you can gain not just for yourself, but for your kids.

Watch the "Parentless Parents" book trailer.

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allison gilbertAllisonGilbertbookparentingparentlessparentless parentsParentlessParentsQAJulie Z. RosenbergThu, 17 Mar 2011 16:00:00 EST
'Henry's Demons': Q&A With Author Patrick Cockburn under:

Patrick Cockburn Henry's Demons book

Patrick Cockburn's book "Henry's Demons: Living With Schizophrenia, A Father and Son's Story"

While covering the Taliban in Kabul in January 2002, Irish journalist Patrick Cockburn had a disturbing phone conversation with his wife back in London. Their 20-year-old son, Henry, had nearly drowned in freezing-cold waters near his college in Brighton, England.

Sensing Henry was a danger to himself, the police dispatched him to a mental hospital, where he was later diagnosed with schizophrenia.

ParentDish spoke with Cockburn about his new book, "Henry's Demons: Living With Schizophrenia, A Father and Son's Story," in which he and Henry write alternating chapters. An edited version of the conversation follows.

ParentDish: You didn't seem to have any denial about your son's diagnosis.
Patrick Cockburn:
One could see that Henry was in the grip of a psychosis. It wasn't that they diagnosed something and I was thinking Henry's basically all right. I could see there'd been a dramatic change in him and his behavior and that he very nearly died swimming in freezing seawater.

PD: Did it seem sudden?
Yes, it sort of did. This happened at the beginning of the year [2002] and I'd just seen Henry at Christmas. He'd seemed his usual funny, charming, relaxed self. Clearly there were things going on in his mind, which he's written about in the book, [but] which I didn't know about and you might get the impression from reading what he wrote that this must have stood out a mile. But honestly, it didn't.

Patrick Cockburn

Credit: Martin Hunter

PD: Did you ever blame yourself?
I've gone back a thousand times in my mind, "Where did [I] go wrong? Is there something [I] could have done?" But to be honest, one can beat oneself to the death with this sort of backwards-looking speculation. It's quite easy to wallow in guilt because it makes one feel, in a funny sense, closer to the person one loves. I tried to keep that under control, not indulge in that too much.

PD: While researching this book you were surprised to discover friends and colleagues who had family members of their own that suffer from schizophrenia.
Having a sister or daughter or son with [schizophrenia] is such an earthquake in a family that people don't like to share it. There's probably an element of fear there ... mental illness is something we're still frightened of, I know I am, and we ought to be, in the way that our parents were terrified, for instance, of their children getting polio.

PD: You had polio when you were a child.
Yes, I was 6 years old and one of the last people to get it. There are many physical illnesses that people have a real charge of terror in them, but I think schizophrenia and mental illness have mystery and fear attached to them that not many physical illnesses do these days. A former surgeon general once said schizophrenia is to mental illness what cancer is to physical illness.

PD: What do you want people to take away from this book?
I want people to know about it and not conceal it, as an incredible number of people do. I think it much better if [families] talk about it because they'll get more help from their relatives, their friends; people are understanding, people don't run away in the opposite direction.

PD: Were you at all worried your younger son, Alex (then 13, now 23), might be prone to schizophrenia?
I never really wanted to raise the specter of it happening to him, but he [thought] "Hey if this happened to my brother maybe it could happen to me?" He knew it was part genetic; he has the same genes. It worried me a bit, but I think it worried him a lot, too.

PD: How has this experience changed you as a father?
I'm sort of more protective. When Henry was 19 or 20 I sort of thought I should ease off, let him develop himself, develop his own life and not be the over-attentive father, but one thing this [has] taught me is that people are vulnerable in different ways at that age as they are as a child. It's difficult for a parent to know what to do about this but you can't relax. I wish you could but I don't think you can.


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Julie Z. RosenbergWed, 02 Mar 2011 12:00:00 EST
When You Say 'Thank You,' Mean It: Q&A with Author Mary O'Donohue under:

when you say thank you mean it book

Credit: Adams Media

When Mary O'Donohue's son, Connor, was 5 years old, a friend of hers gave him a blue shirt as a gift. The boy was underwhelmed.

Sensing his lack of enthusiasm, O'Donohue prompted him with the old parental standby, "What do you saaay?" Connor forced the words "thank you" from his lips and went about his business. O'Donohue was mortified.

"It was an epiphany moment," she says. "I'm not teaching him to be grateful, I'm teaching him to act like he's grateful. That was a real big moment for me."

This experience led her to create exercises that would be fun, but would also teach her children to feel gratitude. She eventually turned the lessons into the book "When You Say "Thank You," Mean It ... And 11 Other Lessons for Instilling Lifelong Values in Your Children."

The book offers a year-long program full of hands-on activities, with each month focusing on a different value such as respect, compassion and integrity, without preaching.

The ideal age range for teaching kids gratitude is between ages 5 and 12, because after that, O'Donohue says, parents often get push-back from their kids. The suburban Chicago-based mom to Connor, now 14, and Grace, 9, recently spoke with ParentDish. An edited version of the conversation follows.

author mary o'donohue

Author Mary O'Donohue says monthly lessons can help kids learn gratitude. Credit: Margaret Smith

ParentDish: What do your kids think about these monthly lessons and exercises?
Mary O'Donohue: When it's "Sense of Purpose Month," my kids love the question of the day. It's my daughter's favorite month of the year. They find out interesting things about themselves. I asked them recently, "If you woke up tomorrow and went to your dream school, what would it be like?" My daughter thought about it for a moment and told me it would be all about art. I had no idea that art was that important to her.

PD: Do the exercises really take just five minutes a day?
It's so quick. I have 12 different families who participated (for the book) and I had a few moms who said, "Oh, I don't know if I have time for this." And I'd say, "Just give it a chance." And, universally, all the moms who said that came back to me after they'd done their month with their family and said, "Oh, gosh. This took up no time. It was so much less than I thought."

PD: How do you get your child to say, "I'm sorry" -- and mean it -- after he or she pushes another kid on the playground?
I would say to my kid, "I think you owe that child an apology when you're ready to be sorry." And I would turn to the parent and say, "I'm really sorry that my child did this. I have a policy with my child that they do not apologize insincerely. The last thing I want my child to do is give your child an insincere apology. So, I'm sorry he did that and I hope he will get to the point where he says he's sorry, but I would rather have him say it for real."

PD: Do you have any suggestions on how to get your child to write a thank you note?
I make sure the children understand what it's like to be appreciated. Let them know. "I really appreciated when you helped Mom with the dishes." "You put your books away, thank you. I really appreciated that." Make them feel appreciated so that they have a concept in their brain of what it really feels like to be genuinely thanked, so they get that connection.

PD: Then what?
After that, I let them play with the toys. I want them to experience this wonderful gift they've been given. I let them know that these people who love them, that gave them these gifts, get to feel the same appreciation they felt. Because it's a wonderful feeling. I'll say to my child, "Go play the video game. I'll play with you." We can take a picture of us playing the video game, we can do an interview about it, a funny little video, you can create an art project, you can do whatever you want. It's my sense that they do better when it comes from their heart.


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books for parentsBooksForParentsgratitudeMary ODonohueMaryOdonohueparenting booksParentingBookssaying thank youSayingThankYouJulie Z. RosenbergMon, 21 Feb 2011 10:30:00 EST
'Teenage as a Second Language': Q&A With Author Barbara Greenberg, PhD under: , , ,




Barbara Greenberg:

PD: What about parents who didn't start young?

PD: Any advice on how to get teens to talk?


PD: Can you give an example of an indirect question?


PD: How involved should parents be in their teenager's life?

PD: Why not?


PD: Can you talk about body language?

PD: Any other nonverbal examples?


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talking to teensTalkingToTeensJulie Z. RosenbergMon, 14 Feb 2011 11:00:00 EST
Emotional First Aid Kit: Q&A With Gerald Koocher, PhD under: ,

Parents guide to psychological first aid

Don't forget to stock your emotional first aid kit. Credit: Ciano Design

Most parents have Band-Aids at the ready for the inevitable scrapes of childhood, but what about the inevitable emotional scrapes like a first crush, cyberbullying, step-sibling rivalry? Good news: Two highly revered psychologists have created a psychological first-aid kit.

Gerald Koocher, PhD, and Annette M. La Greca, PhD, compiled a list of the 48 most common stressors today's parents will encounter and solicited those topics' foremost experts to write about them for their new book, "The Parents' Guide to Psychological First Aid: Helping Children and Adolescents Cope with Predictable Life Crises."

ParentDish recently spoke with Koocher about the book. An edited version of the conversation follows:

ParentDish: Why did you decide to write this book?
Gerald Koocher: A lot of times today parents need to find one place to go for psychological advice. They can sit around and try to Google it or what we hoped to do is put all this in one place. It [is] an easy read. [Topics] range from toilet training to your kid's college application and teaching your kid to drive. We tried to cover these key stress points so parents will feel, if you will, armed with a first aid kit.

Author Gerald Koocher, PhD

PD: What are some of the stressors that are unique to today's parents?
For one thing, divorce was less prevalent when you were growing up. Another big issue is that there were lots of things that just weren't talked about in families. Things like, for example, having a child who's gay, coming out.

Another, [from] one of my favorite chapters is the one by Carolyn Schroeder, who wrote on "your toddler's masturbation when the neighbors come over." This is something you wouldn't talk about in your mom's generation [and] you certainly didn't talk about it with people outside the family. So that's one of the big differences: raising topics that are OK to talk about now.

PD: You have a chapter on bullying, and I've heard stories about "mean girls" on the kindergarten playground. Is bullying starting even younger now?
I don't think human beings have changed that much. But what I do think has happened is we are now more sensitive to the issue.

We're now calling out socially inappropriate behavior earlier. A generation ago it was just, "Oh, he's just being a boy" when he's bossy or aggressive. Now we can say, "OK, but that's not acceptable behavior in the classroom," or "We expect you to show respect for other people," even in kindergarten and first grade.

PD: Do you think it's harder to raise children now, or is it just the way it's portrayed in the media? Are things more stressful today?
I don't think that it's so much that things are more stressful as it is that people are much more aware of things. One really good example is looking at child abuse. The whole recognition of what was initially known as battered children's syndrome and has come to be known as child abuse. And even child sexual abuse, if you look at the priesthood stories that have come out recently, it's not that abuse didn't exist in the past -- it's that it was covered, it was hidden.

Today, psychological services are much more widely accepted. Getting help for family problems from professionals outside the home has become the norm in many places. You're not stigmatized because you get help, whether it's help in parenting or help for your kid who has a problem.

PD: How can parents tell the difference between normal growing pains or if their child needs professional help?
One of the questions people are always asking themselves is, "Am I normal?" [or] "Is my kid normal?"

Annette and I wrote the chapter ["How to Recognize When Your Child May Need Professional Help"] and we tried to give parents warning signs in terms of things they can recognize and spot and respond to. We also tried to call out signals, like when you have a child who is abusing animals or is getting into trouble on a frequent basis or has suffered a significant weight loss or is engaged in intense social withdrawal. We tried to highlight all of those as kinds of signals so you can at least get a consult from someone.


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annette lagrecaAnnetteLagrecagerald koocherGeraldKoocherJulie Z. RosenbergTue, 01 Feb 2011 13:00:00 EST
How to Prepare for Your Next Parent-Teacher Conference under: , ,

parent teacher conference

Help make parent-teacher conference constructive. Credit: Getty Images

We all think our child is the most charming, brilliant, adorable, insert your preferred adjective here. So it's not very encouraging when your child's teacher isn't as effusive as you. But, if you take a moment to see things from his or her perspective, it will make the oft-dreaded parent-teacher meetings much more constructive.

According to Dr. Devin Thornburg, professor of education and director of the childhood education program at Adelphi University in New York, educators observe their students through the lens of a group setting.

"Parents might be interested in having an independent thinker," he says, while, at the same time, the teacher is more interested in peer interaction and a child's ability to follow directions.

Those two visions "don't have to be contradictory to each other," Thornburg tells ParentDish in a phone interview. He believes there would be a lot less miscommunication if parents attempted to see things from a teacher's point of view.

He recommends trying to better understand the teacher's curriculum, as well as what is expected of the child, both academically and socially.

Jim Rodgers, a father of three and high school English teacher in a Chicago suburb, agrees.

"I have anywhere between 120 and 150 students in my five classes and parents need to know this," he says.

To promote better communication, Rodgers created a website that his students and their parents visit to post questions and comments. In addition, his school uses a software program called PowerSchool that allows parents to correspond with teachers about their child's grades, homework and more. Rodgers praises these tech products for bringing order to his regular communiqué with parents.

As for scheduling in-person meetings, Thornburg recommends parents write a note requesting a meeting time and give it to the teacher during the morning or afternoon contact, or simply leave it in the teacher's school mailbox.

"The written request allows the teacher to keep focused on the beginning and end of the school day, which is often the time requiring the most attention from a teacher in terms of student (and parent) behavior," Thornburg tells ParentDish in an email.

Rodgers doesn't mind being approached by parents in the afternoon, but says the morning is definitely not a good time. That's when he's going over his lesson plans and organizing himself for the day. Rodgers says parents need to be receptive to what the teacher has to say, regardless of expectations or hopes.

Sometimes, parents come in with an agenda, entering the conversation with an adversarial tone, he says. And that just doesn't work for anyone. It establishes an "us versus them" mentality when, in reality, everyone is on the same team.

"Parents need to approach a teacher from a support system point of view," Rodgers says.

Both Rodgers and Thornburg agree that meetings are more productive when parents are proactive.

"It's best when parents go in with one or two goals that can then be reviewed at the meeting's conclusion," Thornburg says.


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evergreenParent teacher conferenceparent teacher relationshipsschoolteacherJulie Z. RosenbergTue, 01 Feb 2011 11:45:00 EST
How to Create a Family Tree under: , ,

a family tree

Software programs can help in your family tree research. Credit: MCT

There are as many ways to make a family tree as there are types of families.

Thankfully, there are some universal basics to help you get started. First, you need to collect your family's data. Start by interviewing family members, the oldest ones first, and gathering as much documentation as you can find. Many people find genealogy-specific software to be a boon in helping them collect and organize their information.

But, before you purchase any genealogy software, Consumer Search (a neutral aggregator of product reviews) recommends you consider the following:

  • Try before you buy. Take advantage of any free trial offers to weed out potential duds.
  • Look for GEDCOM, which stands for Genealogical Data Communication, the universal family-tree file format. It allows you and your relatives to use different programs, yet still share family data.
  • Make sure it's web compatible. Since the Internet has become an integral part of genealogy research, make sure the software you use works online.
Two of the best-reviewed genealogy software programs are RootsMagic and Legacy Family Tree.

Once you've accumulated and organized all the information you need, you can start thinking about how you want to display it. Just like the research component, there are many digital resources to help you create the family tree of your dreams. Here are a few to check out:
  • Family Tree Super Tools is compatible with most of the popular genealogy software and allows you to create multimedia slide shows with pictures, video and sound. The heirloom-quality wall charts are impressive, and you get a multitude of design tools and options.
  • Generation Maps has an impressive number of genealogy display products from bow-tie, fan and hourglass shapes to classic tree and pedigree styles.
  • SmartDraw offers a free trial of its software that helps you create unique family trees, genealogy charts and genograms, among other things.
  • Family Tree Templates has 40 different templates you can download for free, or you can pay a nominal fee to customize them.
There are many ways to put your personal stamp on your family tree, such as photos, hand and thumbprints or a family crest. If your family hails from all over the world, try incorporating a map into the design with some fun element that indicates who came from where. You're only limited by your imagination.


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ancestryancestry.comevergreenfamilyfamily funfamily treefamily tree makerfamily treesFamilyFunFamilyTreeFamilyTreeMakerFamilyTreesgenealogygenealogy databasesgenealogy tree framesGenealogy.comGenealogyDatabasesGenealogyTreeFramesheritagesoftwarevideoJulie Z. RosenbergThu, 27 Jan 2011 15:00:00 EST
Emptying the Nest: Q&A With Author Dr. Brad Sachs under: ,

Emptying the Nest

Brad Sachs investigates why your baby birds won't leave the nest. Cover design by David Baldeosingh Rotstein, Credit: Getty Images

You know the saying, "If you love somebody, set them free"? Well, that's sort of what Brad Sachs, Ph.D. is saying in his newest book, "Emptying the Nest: Launching Your Young Adult Toward Success and Self-Reliance."

There are many things parents do that unintentionally interfere with the necessary transition to young adulthood. ParentDish recently spoke with Dr. Sachs to find out what some of these practices are and what parents can do to correct them. An edited version of the conversation follows.

ParentDish: Beside the weak economy, what are some of the major factors contributing to today's slow crawl to adulthood?
Brad Sachs:
The amount of education that's necessary these days to achieve the kind of financial self-reliance that most people want is extraordinarily longer than it was even a generation ago. Parents sometimes have a hard time understanding that because many of them were able to achieve some sort of self-sufficiency early on, maybe even with just a high school diploma. A decent job in industry would give you the opportunity to be on your own and independent and own a house and a car. Those days are really long gone.

Another [factor] is many families can no longer afford to send their children to four-year colleges, so they're staying home and going to community college ... which prolongs that period of time beyond what both generations anticipated and that presents certain quandaries and dilemmas.

PD: What is technology's effect on this troublesome transition?
I don't think we've made an adequate adjustment to all of the technology at our disposal. It makes the achievement of autonomy that much harder because once that technology is in place the expectation is that you're going to use it. If a parent buys their child a cell phone, there's an expectation that "You'll respond to my text or my email and you'll do it pretty instantaneously because after all, I know that you got it." That puts certain constraints on that process of separation and makes it harder.

Emptying the Nest

Credit: Fern Eisner

PD: At what age do you start instilling self-sufficient behaviors to get your children on the trajectory towards independence?
Self-esteem and self-respect are completely contingent on feeling worthwhile, necessary and useful. And we've gotten off track with this in a sense that we decided that self-esteem is somehow dependent on praise and reinforcement, and the two really have nothing to do with each other. That's why it's important for even small children to feel that they're contributing, to see that they're useful and necessary.

A hundred years ago, if there was a farm, everyone worked on the farm and everyone felt they had a role and that role was absolutely necessary. But we seem to want to protect our children from responsibility, and in doing so we inadvertently undercut how confident they feel. So when it comes to even a 5-year-old, anything we ask them to do that is meaningful [and gives them] a sense of value is worth pursuing. Whether it's loading the dishwasher or helping empty the trashcan ... what matters is that they feel like what they're doing is useful. That's the basic building block for self-assuredness.

PD: What about tying allowance to that?
I generally think it should be separate because those contributions should be made because you're part of the family. Allowance is used for learning how to save and invest and spend. Once you link [them], there's that sense of entitlement: "Well I'm not going to do this unless I get paid for it." And that's the opposite of feeling responsible and capable.


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Brad SachsEmptying the NestJulie Z. RosenbergTue, 25 Jan 2011 13:00:00 EST
The Curse of the Good Girl: Q&A With Author Rachel Simmons under:

Credit: Phillip Graybill / Riser / Getty Images

Did you know that being a good girl is actually a bad thing? It's bad for self-esteem, self-expression, risk-taking and personal authority. In short, it arrests a girl's ability to develop into a strong, confident woman.

Rachel Simmons, author of "The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence," defines a "good girl" as someone who is "unerringly nice, polite, modest, and selfless." Unfortunately, good girls grow up to become perfect moms: organized, Martha Stewart-types whose yoga-trim bodies are often seen dashing from the boardroom to PTA meetings to their kids' sporting events to shifts at the food co-op. Trying to be a perfect mother can set a destructive example for your daughter.

ParentDish spoke with Simmons about how parents can help their daughters avoid the trap of "good" girlhood. An edited version of the conversation follows:

ParentDish: Can women use this book as a way to get a hold of their own subconscious good-girl tendencies?
Rachel Simmons: It's one of the central goals. I find that too much parenting advice focuses on what to do to your child in order to make your child smarter, faster, better, nicer, when actually, the reality is who parents are and what parents do plays much more of a role in who our kids become. In my opinion, a lot of parenting advice is very misplaced and actually ends up putting the onus on the kid to be something without actually having us look at ourselves. Particularly when it comes to women; women script girls in how to hold their bodies, how to speak about themselves, how to relate to other people, how to manage their feelings. And so who we are as women is far and away going to affect who a girl becomes more than what we say to our kid, like, "You are a good kid;" "You are a smart kid;" "You did a good job."

The thing that has most surprised me about writing this book is the number of adult women who have come up to me and have said, "I don't even have kids and I'm reading this book."

We know that when women hit a certain age, about 40 or 50, they start to say, "You know? I don't really care what you think anymore." But until that point there's not a huge amount that differentiates us from girls. So much of my mission is to get girls to have some of that 50-year-old fierceness earlier.

Author Rachel Simmons.
Credit: Tamara Staples

PD: I'm curious about what your childhood was like and why this has become your mission?
How long do you have?

PD: (Laughs)
RS: My mom and my mom's mom played a really big role in my upbringing. They're just very outspoken, independent women who experienced difficulty in their lives. My grandmother's a Holocaust survivor and my mom was born in a displaced person's camp. [They were] women who endured a lot of stress in their lives, so were very determined that I be independent and that I be able to take care of myself.

PD: What would you say is a father's role?
I think Dads are hugely important and underrated and I probably should have done a separate chapter about them, but didn't. A lot of times when a father can bring his own set of [behaviors] to his daughter, that's really good to see. Because a lot of times moms are strongly identifying with what their daughters are doing socially, particularly, that it's really hard for them to get any distance, whereas a lot of dads are like, "Wait a minute. Why are you guys giving each other the silent treatment? Just talk it out."

What's unfortunate is that fathers often perceive their very maleness as a disqualifier from helping girls, when, in fact, it is often that different set is exactly what girls need.

PD: What can parents do to help their daughters be strong?
RS: I always think of these things in terms of muscles. You want to develop your daughter's muscles in the areas we know that females don't develop. Muscles to say what you're good at. Muscles to say, "No." Muscles to say "thank you" when you're complimented.

Somebody says, "Sorry" and you say, "Oh, it's OK." "Oh, you totally betrayed me? Don't worry about it." You can use the word "skills" as another word for muscles, but I think girls need to practice ... [Girls] need to be able to fail and have a sense of humor about it. The idea of the muscle is that it takes repetition and if you don't use it, you lose it.

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rachel simmonsRachelSimmonsthe curse of the good girlTheCurseOfTheGoodGirlJulie Z. RosenbergTue, 18 Jan 2011 16:30:00 EST
Picky Eaters: Pathological or Just Particular? under: , , , ,

picky eaters

For picky eaters, there can be no food substitutions. Illustration by Dori Hartley

Harrison Bloom, age 5, will eat macaroni and cheese only if it's Kraft brand. A friend's mom once resorted to pulling the iconic blue and orange box out of the garbage as proof. Relieved, he tucked into the day-glow orange heap with gusto.

"Harrison's a typical picky eater in that the foods he will eat are starch foods [and dairy]," says his mother, Californian Toni Bloom, a registered dietitian (and no, the irony is not lost on her). "So we do lots of grilled cheese, cheese toast, bagels and cream cheese, cheese quesadillas," she says in a phone interview with ParentDish. She also has 3-and-a-half-year-old twin boys.

The morning of the interview Bloom served a new food to her sons: mini bagels from Trader Joe's. This was a departure from the regular-sized bagels she usually serves. Harrison refused to eat one, "because it was a differently shaped bagel," says Bloom.

She admits she bought the mini bagels knowing he'd have an issue with them. Through her own research, she came upon a treatment philosophy that made sense: offer variations of foods the child already eats. "One small tweak," she explains. "A slightly different colored cheese than the Havarti white cheese. It's this painful, thoughtful [process]. You have to think this through. 'Let's see. What's one degree different than that?' And who likes to do this? I'd rather short-order cook."

Bloom is on to something. According to Dr. Brad Riemann, Clinical Director of the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Center and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Services at Rogers Hospital in Wisconsin, one of his center's most successful treatments, mirrors Bloom's approach. "We apply strict, graduated exposure therapy to this problem. We spend a lot of time with the child and sometimes their family developing a food hierarchy. We get an idea of what they can eat and then we develop these hypothetical challenges -- exposures -- to try to spread their wings a little bit."

There's no official diagnosis called "picky eating," as it's often a symptom of a larger problem, says Riemann in a phone interview with ParentDish. "Some picky eaters we see in our facility have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), meaning they may be concerned for example, about contamination -- who touched my food, who prepared it, what germs might be in it ... Another child may significantly reduce his or her food intake and what they eat, just like this person with OCD, but they don't care about germs at all. They're concerned, say, about the fear of choking. Their fear is so intense they only drink soup broth and malts."

Another cause is Sensory Processing Disorder, which involves sensitivities to texture, smell and sight.

When dealing with a finicky eater, "It's a matter of being flexible," says Long Island mom Cristina O'Keeffe in a phone interview with ParentDish, although she admits to having good days and bad days when dealing with her elder daughter, age 4-and-a-half: "I have times when I'm open and creative ... and there are days when I'm rushing and I'm frustrated and I'm chasing her around and I'm like, 'I'm only asking you to eat three pieces of an apple.'"

How can a parent tell the difference between generic picky eating and something more serious? According to Riemann, "When it interferes with the child's life: Children going over to other people's houses, friends' houses, sleepovers, and they can't eat anything."

"There seems to be a sincere, true, anxiety fear-based problem about how parents" try to address picky eating in the child's early years, says Riemann. "I'm clearly not saying it's the parents' fault by any stretch, but when [picky eating behaviors] start popping up they don't seem to be very significant [so] parents say, 'Well, OK, if Johnny doesn't like that food let's not go there. We'll pick and choose our battles.' So they give up a little bit of ground ... Johnny pushes back a little bit further and they give up a little bit more ground and the next thing you know, you may have a problem on your hand."

Riemann explains why this happens: "Part of it is because we care about our kids, we want our kids to be happy. Part of it is, do we really want to be going to war again at the dinner table? And part of it is that preparing food these days is so much easier."

Yes, convenience foods have made things a lot harder -- for parents of picky eaters that is. Once upon a time parents told their children to eat what's being served or else go to bed hungry. This was before microwaves and two-minute enchiladas made it easy to cater to individual tastes.

O'Keeffe tries not to fall into the trap of preparing separate meals for her two daughters, but does take advantage of prepackaged foods: "I will offer them an easy thing I can grab out of the pantry," she says, listing items like fruit, yogurt, cereal and cheese sticks. "But I won't make them another meal. That's not going to happen."

Riemann's suggestion to parents who suspect their child is a picky eater but without pathology is to be firm but reasonable. He also recommends using rewards when necessary. And no, he doesn't consider that a bribe. "There's a big difference between bribes and reinforcement," he says. "Reinforcing your children and providing rewards can be a key role in this. For example, you can tell your son if he tries a little bit of this cutlet he can have extra time playing video games or an extra book at bedtime. Those kinds of things can be powerful for children and can sway their decision."

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picky eatersPickyEatersJulie Z. RosenbergThu, 06 Jan 2011 12:00:00 EST
Male Anorexia: One Boy's Story under: , ,

eric ostendorf picture

Eric Ostendorf, left, at age 10, pre-anorexia; Ostendorf, center, at age 15 with full-blown anorexia; Ostendorf at age 17, a recovered anorexic. Courtesy of Becky Ostendorf

Every day, for the first four months of his sophomore year in high school, Eric Ostendorf ate an apple for lunch.

That's it. One apple. And sometimes he didn't even make it to the core.

The summer before, Ostendorf's pediatrician discovered an alarmingly low heart rate during a routine physical and sent the Kentucky teen straight to the hospital. At 15, he was at serious risk for a heart attack.

Ostendorf, now a 17-year-old high school senior, had been starving himself for months while engaging in obsessive-compulsive exercise regimens, he tells ParentDish in a phone interview.

After spending a week in the hospital with feeding tubes down his throat, Ostendorf was released on doctor's orders that his parents closely monitor his eating and with a strict embargo on exercise. However, as many anorexics have proved, there are ways around such restrictions.

"I would wake up a few minutes early, run the shower and then pump out about a hundred push-ups, do some crunches and then get in the shower, get dressed, come downstairs, hide the food (by tossing it down the back of his big sweatshirt when no one was looking), then flush it (down the toilet) when I was going up to brush my teeth," Ostendorf tells ParentDish. "And then I'd pump out some more push-ups."

Unlike anorexic girls his age who focus on whittling their waists to unattainably small sizes, Ostendorf says his focus was on building muscle mass.

"You rarely hear from guys about clothes size. The majority of guys I've treated with anorexia say to me, with a straight face, 'I will gain as much weight as you want me to gain, as long as it's muscle,' " Dr. Ted Weltzein, medical director of eating disorder services at Rogers Memorial Hospital in Wisconsin (where Ostendorf would eventually spend 100 days for inpatient treatment), tells ParentDish in a phone interview.

When he got to school, Ostendorf says, he would ask his teacher if he could use the restroom and then he would "crank out 45 chin-ups on the bar of the bathroom stalls."

He did that every class period, every day, for four months straight. He'd often miss his ride home at the end of the day because he was busy walking laps around the halls with his heavy backpack and doing chin-ups in the boys' bathroom. When he got home and found his mother helping his younger brother with homework, he'd sneak off to do push-ups, crunches, squats and calf raises. Ostendorf wanted biceps that bulged and abs he could bounce quarters off.

His mother, Becky Ostendorf, arranged to have the vice principal casually walk by his table in the cafeteria and discreetly peer into his lunch bag, which he was required to leave open on the table.

It was always empty, save for the remainder of his apple. Yet, his mother packed him a full lunch and neither she nor the principal knew he never ate it.

"I would stop at my locker to get my lunch like I was supposed to, and then I would make a beeline for the bathroom and, if no one was in there, I'd flush (the food) down the toilet. ... All I would have left is an apple because you can't flush an apple down the toilet," he tells ParentDish.

Ostendorf's parents decided to appear on a "Dr. Phil" episode titled "Body Obsessed Boys," which aired Jan. 8, 2009. Becky Ostendorf tells ParentDish in a phone interview that their health insurance had run out, "so I very selfishly said, 'We're doing this show because maybe we'll get some help that's paid for.' I hate to admit that, but that was the point I was at."

"Dr. Phil called me an enabler on national TV," she says. "(Eric's eating disorder) totally consumed our lives day in and day out. It was like nothing else mattered."

Weltzein also appeared on the show and offered Ostendorf a full evaluation and treatment at the eating disorder facility at Rogers, known for its rare all-male unit.

According to the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA), about 10 percent of people with eating disorders are male. However, they are less likely to seek treatment because of the perception that they are "women's diseases."

"Our uniqueness," Weltzein says, "is that the males are with the males, not with the females. The staff is used to working with the males, which is different. (There's) a lot more 'Guitar Hero' on the male floor."

Ostendorf's birthday was on the 70th day of his 100 days in treatment at Rogers. He shared this journal entry, which was part of the treatment process, from that day:
March 9, 2009

Today's my 16th birthday. I'm not home, I'm not at school; I'm at a mental hospital. I'm not going to get my temporary driving license today. I'm going to group therapy. To me it's just a normal day in the fight against my eating disorder. This is a great reason to get pissed at my eating disorder. MY ED (Eating Disorder) took my 16th birthday away from me.

Because of him, I'm seven hours away from home right now, away from my family and friends. All of this is motivation. I'm going to kick his butt. I'm going to get my life back. He is no longer going to control me. Starting today, he will no longer make me feel like a piece of crap. No longer will he suppress my personality. No longer will he hinder my confidence. No longer will he make me lie.

I neither want nor need him. As far as I'm concerned he can go #%@& himself. Eric is back and here to stay.

Ostendorf is now in full recovery. He hopes to study pre-med at college next year so he can help kids with eating disorders.

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anorexiaeating disordersEatingDisordersmale anorexiaMaleAnorexiaJulie Z. RosenbergThu, 30 Dec 2010 13:00:00 EST
Kim Stagliano, Author of 'All I Can Handle: I'm No Mother Teresa,' on Raising 3 Kids With Autism under: , , ,

Jacket design by Adam Bozarth

It's a known fact that boys are affected by autism more than girls are -- the oft-quoted statistic is four to one. So it's shocking to many, including the mom herself, that Kim Stagliano has three daughters with autism, and they're not triplets.

Her eldest, Mia, is nearly 16; Gianna is 14 and Bella is 10. The managing editor of the website Age of Autism and a vocal advocate in the autism community, Stagliano's newest book, a memoir that she jokingly refers to as her "Kimoir," is called All I Can Handle: I'm No Mother Teresa. ParentDish spoke with Stagliano about her new book. An edited version of the conversation follows.

ParentDish: There are a lot of people who are going to read your book who don't have children with autism. What do you hope they'll get out of it?
Kim Stagliano: That's really who I want to reach. We're really pretty isolated. We don't really fit into the traditional "special needs" model.

PD: Why is that?
KS: First, this epidemic is new. Autism is 25 years old with these numbers [an average of one in 110 U.S. children have autism.] It existed, but it was nothing like what it is today. For instance, a child with Down syndrome smiles, typically speaks, is typically extremely social -- maybe even more social than the average child -- and that invites an embrace, whereas with autism, you have behaviors. And kids with autism can have the appearance of being prickly because they might not like to be touched. They might not want you to look at them. They might not be able to converse with you. You see Down syndrome and you know you have a set of expectations and you relax. You see my girls, they look perfectly typical; Mia will be 16 next week, and then suddenly you'll see her pop her thumb into her mouth. And your first reaction will be, 'Huh!?!' So the initial engagement sometimes is awkward.

[Second], we don't get insurance coverage. We're not considered medical; we're considered psychiatric. We're trying hard to change that.

PD: So none of the therapies you get are covered?
KS: They are not covered, no. I saw an ad on $50,000 [is what] a family in Concord, Massachusetts will pay for private ABA [Applied Behavior Analysis]. There are insurance mandates being passed in various states around the country, but they're really weak. They cover only some of the straight behavioral therapy. The loophole is so large you can drive a Mack truck through it. Autism is expensive. So you get the financial stress on top of the familial stress, which is why some people crack.

This is serious business, autism. And we're normalizing it. And that's a real concern for me. When we hear about something so often, it starts to become routine. And what goes on behind closed doors is nothing normal. And yet we're starting to feel like, "Oh, autism, that's being really smart, isn't it? I thought autism meant being really good at getting swishes on the basketball court." Uh, no.

Author Kim Stagliano

PD: Mia is about to turn 16 and is becoming a young woman. How do you deal with her period and other womanly things?
KS: Mia got her period at 9, uh, hello? ... Twenty percent of fifth grade girls have their periods. That's the recent stat. When I was a kid it was like 8th grade. Mia wasn't potty trained at 9, so, gallows humor, [my husband] Mark and I would joke that "Oh great, we'll be changing period pads and wiping poop at the same time." And then when it happened, it wasn't so funny.

PD: You mention in the book that you believe things happen in threes; you have three daughters. I'm wondering if this is the first book in a Kimoir trilogy?
KS: Wow. A trilogy! How many crapisodes must I go through to write another book?

PD: But surely you have so much more to say?
KS: I do have more to say. But I'm actually writing a young adult [novel] right now; the main character does not have autism, but her brother does. It's going to be about the aging-out process and the responsibility that she fears and doesn't want to face because she knows what's coming down the pike for her when her parents are old. She knows she's going to have the responsibility for her older brother and she doesn't want it.

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autismJulie Z. RosenbergMon, 27 Dec 2010 12:00:00 EST
Maternal Ambivalence: Dr. Barbara Almond Discusses the 'Hidden Side of Motherhood' under: , ,

maternal ambivalence

Dr. Barbara Almond tackles the topic of maternal ambivalence in "The Monster Within." Book cover design and illustration: Lia Tjandra

Twenty years ago, psychiatrist Dr. Barbara Almond assumed all women had the maternal instinct.

It didn't occur to her that some women might make the conscious choice to not have children. That assumption was proven wrong when she treated several women who were each conflicted about whether or not to have offspring. The more she heard the more awestruck she became with the intensity of their mixed feelings, what she later came to call "maternal ambivalence."

In her new book, "The Monster Within: The Hidden Side of Motherhood," she writes: "I came to realize that all my female patients, past and present, had been or were (at least part of the time) dealing with guilt and shame about the quality of their mothering or their avoidance of motherhood."

ParentDish recently spoke with Almond about her new book. An edited version of the conversation follows.

ParentDish: This is not a self-help book, but I'm wondering if some women might be seeking some sort of self-help material when they pick up the book. What will they find inside that might be useful?
Barbara Almond: I think that it's not a self-help book, but it's a help book. It's meant to help. I'm describing a pretty widespread phenomenon, I would say ubiquitous, among women. No matter how much they love their children, it can never be 100 percent nor should it be 100 percent. There's much too much guilt and much too much pressure, internally generated pressure in women, which is supported by the pressures that all their friends and relatives are also struggling with, you know that one is supposed to be an all-loving, all-understanding perfect mother as if mothers were not people with needs of their own. Needs for quiet, for sleep, things like that.

PD: Your comment about not having to be 100 percent brings to mind a comment by author Ayelet Waldman about how she loved her husband more than her kids. It caused quite an uproar. What's your take on it?
maternal ambivalence

Dr. Barbara Almond. Photo: Richard Almond

BA: I think she loves her children but her children don't give her the kind of satisfactions that her husband does. They give her a different kind of satisfaction. She's a grown woman and he's a grown man, they have an emotional, intellectual, sexual relationship of the sort you don't have with 4-year-olds. They're adorable and you love them, but they don't satisfy the needs of the adult woman, they satisfy the maternal needs that she has, which are not an exact overlap.

PD: In your book you talk about the "guilty mom" and the "angry mom," two different ways of responding to maternal ambivalence. Can you elaborate?
BA: The point that I'm making is that women feel guilty about the negative side of their ambivalent feelings. Even though I make pretty sure in the book to say several times that ambivalence is a normal human phenomenon, that when you love someone or need them or care about them, you can't help not being aware that you might lose them in one way or another. You might lose their love, they might grow up and leave you, they might run off with another woman, there are all kinds of threats and even when something is very important to you that's not a human relationship, [for example] an athlete may lose his powers, a pianist may have an injury to their hand ... you can't help feeling some ambivalence toward anything that is very important to you, that is, you both love it and hate it because it's so important to you.

This is a normal phenomenon, but women feel so guilty about their angry feelings and their angry dreams and their occasional angry murderous thoughts, that they give themselves an awfully hard time, they feel guilty, they feel angry at the child for provoking their guilt and angry at the child for not being the perfect child that they as perfect mothers should be raising.

PD: How has the book been received? Any surprises?

BA: One thing that surprised me is that the book even got published. My agent ran into so much resistance to this idea, that it would freak people out, that nobody would buy it, that it would be too upsetting to their readers; and I felt it was a needed book. It really kind of blew me away. I thought to myself, 'Well, don't these people read the newspaper? They think this is bad news?' That surprised me.

I'm surprised it's catching the attention it is and doing as well as it is because I was given to believe that no one would touch it with a 10-foot pole. I don't know that I believed that but it was certainly said to me enough times.

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barbara almondBarbaraAlmondJulie Z. RosenbergFri, 10 Dec 2010 11:12:00 EST