Teach children the No. 1 rule in manners: Don't interrupt

John Rosemond
Syndicated Columnist
Published Sunday, September 19, 2004

What is the most important of all the manners you can teach your child?

Saying yes, ma'am, yes, sir, and so on?

Saying thank you?

No, but that's close.

Opening doors for women and the elderly?

No, and now you're getting cold again.

"All right then! What?"

Not interrupting adult conversations.

"Who says?"

Me, and I am a parenting expert, so that's the end of the discussion. Not interrupting adult conversations, including phone conversations, is the most important of all manners for several reasons. First, in learning not to interrupt, a child learns patience.

Second, learning not to interrupt strengthens the boundary (permeable, but a boundary nonetheless) that should exist between the child and adults, and therefore, the child's respect for adults.

Third, I am highly annoyed when a child interrupts a conversation in which I am a participant.

I have concluded that most of today's parents teach their children it's perfectly all right to barge right into adult conversation, and for any reason at all, by simply walking up and saying, "Excuse me!"

I gather this because when a child simply walks up and barges in, it's usually the case that the child's parent will stop talking to me, look down at the child, and say, "What do we say?" At this point the child says, "Excuse me." I must now exert great effort to keep from grabbing the parent by the throat and shaking violently while screaming, "Oh, please! Pardon me! Excuse me! Forgive me!"

I said as much at a recent talk in California. Afterwards, a well-spoken gentleman from South Africa introduced himself and remarked that he, too, was annoyed and/or cynically amused by American parents who tolerated their children's interruptions. He told me that in South Africa, one of the first things a child is taught is how to be recognized when he wants to say something.

To wit: the child walks into the general area where the adults are talking and stands a respectful distance -- say, 8 feet -- away. Any fool, he said, can tell the child wants to speak. When the adults reach a point where a pause in their conversation feels natural, one (the child's parent, usually) will turn to the child and say, "Yes?" The child then speaks.

Oh, how civilized! But wait! That is exactly what I was taught as a child!

And, I dare say, so were most of my peers. How is it that children who were taught this important social formality -- one that speaks so loudly to the quality of their overall upbringing -- fail to teach it to their own children?

To answer my own question, I think there are several reasons, but they all boil down to one: laziness.

Today's parents are, by and large, a lazy lot. They think parenting is taking a child to a soccer game and watching from the stands. That's not parenting. Parenting is not a spectator sport. It's hands on! It's a verb!

Today's parents expend a lot of energy doing things that have little if any long-term value to a child, and little energy doing things that are of lasting value, like taking the time to teach a child -- by explaining and rehearsing, for example -- how to be recognized when two adults are engaged in conversation, without interrupting said conversation.

This is not rocket science. Teach your child to stand a respectful distance from adults who are talking and wait, silently and in a state of stillness, until he is acknowledged, and gradually increase his wait until he's learned to be silent and still for several minutes.

"So, what's the child to do if there's a genuine emergency?"

Give me a break! You're going to know when your child is having an emergency. Furthermore, what a child thinks is an emergency is often no emergency at all. It's simply distress.

"And what should I do when my child interrupts, even after I've taught him the art of waiting?"

Make sure he learns that misbehavior has consequences. Put him to bed early that evening. Keep him indoors for the rest of the day. It really doesn't matter, but whatever you do, do something he'll remember! And be sure to tell him how proud you are when he does the right thing. Punishment is a necessary aspect of discipline, but without equal amounts of praise, it does nothing but breed contempt.

John Rosemond is a family psychologist. Questions of general interest may be sent to him at Affirmative Parenting, 1020 E. 86th St., Suite 26B, Indianapolis, IN 46240 and at TARGET="_top" HREF="http://www.rosemond.com/

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