Friday, December 03, 2010

Stuff on My Cat('s Mind)

I know I've wondered, as I've watched my cat walk from his food bowl to the front window and stare mournfully down at the rainy street - what exactly is on his mind?

I'll tell you what: CAT STRATEGY.

I know. A lot of people assume that cats don't think about much other than eating and sleeping. X-ray pictures like the one below might lead you to agree with that. But I'm hoping to forever alter the way that you think about feline cognition!

The central problem with crude tools like the X-ray is that they can't detect the ruthless efficiency of the feline brain. An X-ray can't show you that cats are capable of complex thought processes whose richness and variety surpass even those of the most highly trained and herring-motivated dolphin.

How? Simple: Cats use 99% of their brain 100% of the time. Contrast that with humans, who use - what, like maybe 10% when we're at our best? Sure, our brains are big, but are you really using all that gray matter to post status updates on Facebook?

Pictures like the one below dramatically demonstrate what I'm talking about.

No, I didn't just make those numbers up. What's above represents a mere snapshot of findings from a new PET Scan study our research team performed on a human and a feline volunteer. During the experiment in question, subjects were invited to think as deeply as possible about the most pressing issues facing them today while we measured their brain activity.

We found that the human subject not only resisted the experiment, but jabbered on and on in what could best be described as stream-of-consciousness thought:

Meanwhile, with the aid of a professional pet psychic, the research team was able to ascertain that the cat in question was internally engaging in fields of inquiry that ranged from the geopolitical to the sartorial.

Anyway, I think I've given away enough for now. Look for near-term publication of results in a respected scientific journal - I'm thinking Science or Nature, though I'm definitely anticipating some kind of bidding war.