Kids Diet

How do I talk to my daughter about her diet without making it an issue?

I have a nine-year-old daughter and a seven-year-old son. I am concerned that my daughter is starting to put on weight and I want to ensure she doesn't continue down this road.

My kids are the same height but different builds, my son being leaner. My son has a very healthy diet and never seems to overeat. He is also a very active child. My daughter is not as active and much prefers higher carb snack foods and second helpings. Overall our family has a fairly healthy diet and lifestyle. Both the kids eat a wide variety of foods including fruit and veg.

I find it difficult when my son wants a second helping or larger portions (which I feel he needs) and my daughter also wants them too, but I feel she has had sufficient. I have tried explaining that he is growing faster but she replies that she is too and that she is older. I feel bad if I mention all the foods she has already eaten to her to try to discourage her from taking more and I'm worried she will become self-conscious about her eating. I find it so tricky to know the right things to say because I don't want food or eating to become an issue for her.

Dr Justin says:

What a tricky situation. Before I share my thoughts on the challenge, here’s what the research is clear on:

Well-intended parents assume that children need help in determining what, when, and how much to eat. This starts from almost the day a child is born, and continues well into the teen years, particularly for girls.

Research clearly shows that the more a parent imposes regulations around what food is consumed, when it is consumed, and how much of it is consumed, the harder it is for a child to develop appropriate self-control around food issues.

Specifically, when parents restrict access to palatable foods (that is, foods high in sugar or fat), it may have unintended effects on children's eating.

In several studies in the past few years, researchers have found that restricting access to palatable foods actually increases children's response to that food. In other words, restricting our children forces their focus towards whatever we say they can’t have. This increases their desire to get hold of that food and eat it!

So if restricting kids’ access to unhealthy (but all too tasty) foods is a poor way to encourage moderate intake, what are you supposed to do? And how do you balance that with your perception that your son actually needs to increase his intake?

Tips for encouraging healthy eating habits

Here are my tips.

  • Conversations with your daughter about her weight are almost certain to result in her becoming self-conscious over the issue. Regardless of how good your intentions, talking about it will make it worse.
  • Your daughter is nine and your son is seven. I would strongly discourage ANY emphasis on their respective eating habits.  They are still very young, and as long as they are physically capable of running, playing, and being children, they should be fine. If they are lethargic, depressed, or unhealthily skinny I would be more concerned.
  • You are preparing the meals and serving them. As long as you are making good health decisions around those meals, I would not limit either of their servings in any way. If you do, your daughter will seek satiety somewhere else.
  • If dessert or sweets are offered, you should still provide them to both kids. And it should be done equitably.

In short, research emphasises clearly that as parental controls around food increase, children’s perception of their ability to control themselves and their choices goes down. Your children get enough messages from their peers and the media (the SUPER peer) regarding their physical appearance. The safer they feel around you, the more likely it is that they’ll make good food choices over time.

While you are extremely concerned and have the best of intentions, my strong advice is that to intervene and bring up the issue is to invite further difficulties. Regulate her eating at home and you’ll have a guarantee your daughter will eat what she can’t have at home once she goes to friends’ houses or school.

Parental control may lead to less likelihood of your daughter having an unhealthy diet in the short term but it will almost certainly impede her ability to self-regulate and develop self-efficacy and confidence around eating in the long term, which is not what you want.



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