A cup of tea and plate of biscuits
Tea and biscuits: an essential part of the process of becoming a parliamentary candidate. Photograph: Suzanne Plunkett/Reuters

Standing for parliament

To become a member of parliament, it is important to possess a strong impulse to serve the public. That is because opportunities to serve oneself by claiming lavish expenses have been drastically curtailed. It is also necessary to have a thick skin. Thickness is not an obstacle to advancement in other areas but in the skin it is essential. This is to withstand relentless, vicious, personal attacks based on both character and belief – otherwise known as being "Clegged".

The first step towards being elected to parliament is being selected as a candidate. This involves pretending to agree with a small group of eccentric angry people while saying nothing that you would want printed in a newspaper. The most important rule when seeking selection as a Conservative candidate is to hate the European Union.

The second most important thing is to make sure there are tea and biscuits at every meeting. If trying to become a Labour candidate, it helps to have the support of a large trade union. Tea and biscuits help here, too, but the union can provide those.

One effective technique for becoming an MP is to be the son or daughter of an old MP. Another tip is to have served as a special adviser to a minister. This way you can stitch up* the selection without necessarily having to pay for biscuits. Once elected, do not charge biscuits on expenses as this will be attacked as corruption. You can, however, take up a lucrative position as a non-executive director at a biscuit firm.

The title of baron

A feudal honour traditionally bestowed by the monarch on favoured members of the aristocracy, by leftwing commentators on newspaper proprietors and by newspapers on trade union leaders.

Innovation in swearing

German compilers of an eminent dictionary have decreed that the word "shitstorm" has officially entered their language. Under European Union rules governing the free movement of goods and services, this entitles speakers of English to use the word "Sheissesturm".

Swearing is subject to inflation, with overuse of certain words diminishing their currency as sources of offence. "Bloody" and "damned", for example, are now almost entirely devalued, the copper coins of rudeness. The role of central bank, with a mandate to control swearing inflation, is fulfilled by the BBC. Periodically, new levels of offence will be released for use before the 9pm watershed, which means new, gratuitous offence has to be manufactured. This work is outsourced to Channel 4.

Judging people by their names

Katie Hopkins, a former contestant on reality TV show The Apprentice, has caused minor controversy by declaring that she would not want her children to socialise with other children bearing names such as "Tyler", "Charmaine" and "Chardonnay". To clarify the modern protocol on these matters, giving any public expression to this kind of class prejudice is strictly frowned upon, above all by people who consider such direct vocal snobbery to be vulgar. With specific reference to "Chardonnay", the correct way to be a snob about the name is discreetly to avoid drinking the wine because of the implied association. As a more general rule, avoid taking any social guidance from someone whose apparent credentials on the subject involve the words "contestant" and "reality TV".

Appreciating a British summer

A minimum of one day must be allowed between the end of complaining about the lack of sun and, once the sun has come out, the start of complaining that it is too hot. A maximum of half a day is expected between the onset of sunny weather and the first sighting of a red-faced man with his top off drinking lager from a can.

* To stitch up – an irregular verb. I canvass opinion; you (sing) have good contacts; he/she/it stitches up. We look for consensus; you (pl) have friends in the right places; they are a political machine.