What do women want?

Q. I have a female manager who is newly promoted and seems to be constantly disappointed in me. She asks me a lot of questions but doesn't give many directions. I tell her the truth when she asks me if I have time to schedule a meeting or do a project, but that doesn't seem to satisfy her. What do women want from male employees?

A. Many, many men in and out of the workplace have pondered the age-old mystery of what do women want. The problem can often be found in the different styles of communication between men and women. Men are from Planet Direct. Women are from Planet Request.

My husband often jokes that women really should come with a translation guide for men, and he has a good point. Women are often taught by society that it is rude and unfeminine to boldly and concisely say what we want. Thus many female managers frame directions as questions.

Men, of course, believe if a woman wanted something, she would simply state it. When a female leader asks if a man will get the mail, set up a meeting, or do a project, she is actually giving you your marching orders and not seeking a response.

Men are rightly confused by the female style of giving orders via asking questions. They end up giving their manager a response rather than a result, which makes their manager believe they are uncooperative and oppositional.

Obviously, there are women who are highly direct and men who ask questions rather than make demands. Just because you know some exceptions to general gender differences doesn't erase the misunderstandings that occur between most men and most women at work.

If you want to impress rather than frustrate your female manager, next time she asks you a question, ask for information. Say something like, "I am not certain if you are asking for data or giving me a direction. Could you clarify?" Over time, your manager will take the gentle hint and simply tell you what to do.

Realize that women truly didn't develop this habit merely to make male subordinates feel crazy. Researchers on gender differences have discovered that women are put in a bind with social expectations of feminine behavior. They have to choose between being seen as effective adults or being seen as "appropriate" females.

"Appropriate" female behavior is still seen as supportive, indirect and low in authority. Thus, women in leadership often feel emotionally awkward. They have to use power to do their job, but using power can create social backlashes.

As your manager adjusts to her new job, she'll see she can't maintain both social approval and workplace effectiveness. Your support of a more direct style will help her see her need for change, and her view of your performance will improve dramatically.

The last word(s)

Q. I meet many people in my industry who seem like they get all the breaks. Is there a way to improve my luck?

A. Yes, realize most workplace good fortune is actually timing, skills and political savvy. You can't create "luck," but you can create opportunity.


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