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~ Everyone on Hats

A Hat is a type of unskilled laborer and fashionable headgear, usually worn on the fo- Uh I mean head. Not to be confused with a cap or hair, hats are relatively common in comparison to other bodily accessories such as your cock and genetilia. Though a hat can also be cosidered a condom of the head. This "hat" ensures that the head does not accidentally impregnate the sky creating unforseen consequences.

Among dogs, hats are more commonly worn by their fleas. The insulation and padding provided by the hat protects the more delicate brain casings of these fragile creatures. More robust dogs may wear hats for fashion purposes or in certain situations requiring headgear.

Why hats?

Louis Armstrong

Louis Armstrong did not have a hat.

Dogs have ears that stick out quite a lot. They are prone to falling off, freezing, accidental consumption, etc. Hats keep the ears securely attached to the head, provide them with warmth, and keep out dust. Small dogs wear them to protect their thin skulls. In current times, hats are also worn for fashion or to signify membership of a club/team.

Hats and Canada

It is well known that one of the most popular pastimes and sports in Canada is wearing hats. In a 2005 survey it was ranked as the zeroth most popular pastime. also if you put on a hat the ducks won't recognize you.

Types of hats

Moon hats


A dog in a moon hat.

Sometimes, a dog must go to the moon. At such times, headgear is needed to prevent the dead void of space from causing head explosion. Moon hats cover the entire head in a hard, protective, space-tight covering. These hats have panels of transparent material to provide visibility.

Tin hats


An example of a well-made tin hat.

Tin is well known for its mind-wave deflecting properties. To prevent aliens or the government from controlling their minds, dogs have taken a clever step forward in creating hats made of tin. The brain of the wearer is directly shielded from any outside rays or waves.

Fashionable hats


Noblewomen wear such hats as these!

Various other hats in a variety of styles are available for dogs. These hats do not serve a specific purpose; rather, they merely make the wearer appear quite dapper.

Cat in the hats

Cat in the hats have one of the best utilities in the hat world. Whenever a dog is hungry, all it has to do is tip the hat over and stuff its entire head into the cat in the hat. This allows the dog to reach the gooey cat intestines inside the colorful, yet scrumptious, hat. Thus, providing the dog with a delicious morsel that they can eat on the go.

Brain hat

Beware the brain hat. The brain hat is a horribly evil parasitic creature that pretends to be a hat. Seriously, it's worse than a grue. It hatches out of an egg as a small invisible pink worm-like creature with three and a half eyes. It squirms its way into a hat shop or any other place hats are sold, such as a clothing shop or Mexico. it then forms a cocoon that looks like a ball of lint. Three days later it hatches out as an exact replica of the hat on display. when bought it feeds on the brain of the wearer. At this point the victim is totally screwed. when the brain is half gone the wearer often becomes a hobo or a republican. When the brain is all the way gone the victim mutates into several eggs that hatch into brain hat larvae. The original brain hat, now deprived of delicious brains, dies, but from the lifeless body it is reborn in the form of a new larvae. Few things can destroy the brain hat. Obviously Chuck Norris eats them for breakfast.


Important Point

None of these are cooler than the Fez. Fact. Just thought you'd like to know.....

Hat Manufacture


Believe it or not, hats are actually living creatures with feelings. The first seed was brought to USA by the High Martians. Dogger.

Hat Agriculture

Also known as Hatriculture, hats are not grown primarily in USA. They are planted on mountains where the air is thinest to prepare them to be on heads. They are harvested by robot-pirate raccoons, who are now allies with the US hat Farmers. In the early days, hats flourished (With such pastimes as Hatificiation, and The Great Celebration Of The Great Hattery Of Soola-Nova Racvoonia) and became an autonomous society, until humans saw the use that their shape and size provided for the wrist protection stated above.

Hat Welfare


This Soviet woman calls for hat welfare!

Hat welfare became a hot-button issue under the Reagan administration, when it became readily apparent that not only were the hats being denied their unalienable rights of hamburgers and Zinfandel, but that the robot-pirate raccoons had been enslaved!

The ploughs damaged the hats badly as they were badly designed and the raccoons were unskilled. These damages were covered up or even made out to be unique designer hats, but many were disposed of! Also occasionally the wrong seed had been placed into the batch and the wrong type of hat would grow, these "rouge hats" were burnt at stake.

Hat Discrimination

Many humans and dogs have abused certain types of hat because of racism. Fez's have been a large target and also Uncle Bob hats.

Also "non-pure" hats have also been discriminated against. These are hats which have not been grown in US, Israel, or Germany. Many attempts have been made to stop this illegal produce of hats, however the Hat Dealers are still prevailing.

The 1987 Hat Wars

On April 5Th, 1987, the raccoons formed a large army to rise up against the oppressive American hat farmers, a vicious battle raged for weeks with no end in sight. However, an unlikely turning point arrived in mid-July. Tunisian immigrant farmers began to migrate to USA with hopes of employment in the highly lucrative hat industry. This influx of foreign workers created a new common ground for the raccoon and American forces. An alliance was formed and the Tunisians were soundly defeated within two weeks. A formal truce was signed at the end of the 1987 Hat Wars, providing a steady peace between raccoons and US hat farmers for nearly two decades. However soon enough another conflict arose involving the issue of " should blue and green hats be legal? " The hat farmers strongly believed red-white-blue was the only legal way, but many of the other citizens disagreed. The issue is still in debate. what do you think about the matter, should they be legal?

The Ministry of Silly Hats

Mosh hats is a ministry set up in 2005 to put and end to help hat welfare and to enjoy their silliness.

In newspeak- Minisilhats. They are responsible of handling any and all illegal hat contraband that is taken from captured Eurasian spies. Or is it East Asian.

See also

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