Disciplining toddlers: how to discipline an unruly tot
By Kidspot Team |
Disciplining toddlers: how to discipline an unruly tot

I recently had a conversation with a concerned mum about disciplining her toddler. He is an energetic twenty-month old toddler who seems to have a one-track mind and certainly no love of discipline. He has one agenda; he'll do what he likes, especially when it comes to disciplining.

Lack of discipline isn't a unique situation, nor is it exclusive to males or toddlers (yet ironically, adults can be even more likely to exhibit this behaviour than toddlers!) But this frustrated mother wanted to know how to discipline him in a way so he will do as he is told.

Discipline is derived from the Latin disciplina which refers to instruction and knowledge. In other words, to discipline is to impart knowledge and instruction to someone to teach them.

When most parents refer to disciplining their children, they often mean something a little different. A common euphemism for discipline is behaviour management, but they are rarely the same thing. Certainly time-out, star charts, spanking, and goodies teach children, but rarely what we want them to be learning. And let's face it, most 'discipline' is really about punishment. But the logic of punishment is very different to the logic of discipline. Punishment says: "I'm going to hurt you to teach you!" Discipline says: 'I'm going to work with you to help you learn.'

Discipline, or teaching, particularly with children under the age of around four or five can be extraordinarily difficult. Toddlers are not typically inclined to listen carefully to instruction. Following a carefully planned and rehearsed lecture it's unlikely that two-and-a-half-year-old Jack will say, "Thanks mum. Now I understand why sharing is important in our home and from this moment on I'll try harder to provide a friendly and loving play environment for all of my siblings."

And there's something that makes it even harder to discipline toddlers and pre-schoolers. It sounds weird, but they're having a brain explosion at this age.

In the developmental cycle, the neuronal development of children from around age two to three begins to increase significantly, with new areas developing fast. This development is necessary in order for them to develop their independence. The challenge with this is that (before around the age of five) they don't have the capacity to fully comprehend the concept of discipline - or that someone else might want something other than what they want!
So teaching discipline to toddlers and preschoolers takes a LOT of time and patience. Despite this challenge here are three simple keys that can enhance discipline in just about any family.

Discipline and toddlers: Set Limits Based on Children's Development

Kids are happy when they know that they have limits. They'll always try and extend those limits, but when there are limits there is safety, and with some gentle discipline toddlers intuitively understand this.

When it comes to discipline, bear in mind that our limits need to be reasonable and related to our children's level of development. It is unreasonable to demand that everyone in the family eat at the dinner table using their utensils properly. Your toddler wouldn't stand a chance. And lecturing them on it isn't going to help them get better at it. As another example, expecting toddlers to share when friends come to play is developmentally inappropriate (again, even some adults struggle with this).

Discipline and toddlers:  Say 'Yes' to your toddler - minimise no

Children often act out because they can't have what they want. Of course, what they want is not always good for them (or you). But we needn't say no all the time - even if trying to discipline our toddler. Instead we can offer them alternatives. When our child asks to watch more television we might say, 'Later. Right now we can play with playdough or ride bikes.'

Perhaps our toddler wants to carry his brand new baby sister. A two year-old carrying a baby is always scary. Rather than saying 'No' we might suggest, 'Tyron, why don't you hop up on the couch and I'll help you nurse the baby.' We get to say 'Yes' to what our child wants, but in a way that we can also feel good about it.

Discipline and toddlers:  Perspective Taking

This is one of the most effective tools we can utilise in teaching or disciplining our children. The younger a child is, the more difficult it is, but research has shown that perspective taking can help children understand what others are experiencing and thinking. And the sooner they start learning the skill, the younger they will become proficient at it.
Perspective taking is encouraging our children to relate what it must be like for the other person.

"Ethan, how does Harrison feel when you yell at him?"
"Madison, when you say you won't share your toys, does that make Mia happy or sad?"
"Joshua, it makes mummy feel sad when you don't listen."

If we can utilise perspective taking, while remaining respectful and connected to our children, they are more likely to internalise the teaching because they're coming up with the responses. Our children identify the feelings they create in others. With this comes a sense of responsibility and a desire to foster positive relationships.

Will these ideas work all the time? No.

But with patience and practice there will be more of a focus on working with our children rather than doing things to them. And discipline will be less about punishment and more about teaching.


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