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Three Methods:Building a RelationshipAvoiding ConflictDealing With Disagreements

Sibling rivalry is very common in families and it's normal to argue with your brothers and sisters. You will spend an awful lot of time together when you are growing up and having good relationships with your siblings can be a real boost. This is not always easy and can take work from all involved. Understand that you are different people and have different personalities. If you are prepared to compromise make the effort, having a supportive sibling can really make life a lot better.


Method 1 of 3: Building a Relationship

  1. 1
    Do fun things together. It's very important that you find positive ways to interact with your sibling. One of the best ways to do this is just to do fun things together, things which you both like to do. Playing games together or going for a bike ride together will help you get to know one another while in a relaxing and fun atmosphere. In order to have a good relationship it's important to be involved in each other's lives and spend time together.
    • This doesn't mean living in each other's pockets, but rather making time for your sibling and looking for positive ways to interact.
    • Having a reservoir of good experiences will help act as a buffer when a problem or conflict arises. You will work together more effectively if you can draw on happy memories of having fun together.[1]
  2. 2
    Support each other. As well as doing fun things together, you can help develop a strong relationship by demonstrating that you are there for your sibling and you support him. For example, if your brother has a big sports game go along and cheer him on. Even if you are not a big sports fan you are supporting your brother. He will appreciate you making the effort to be there and showing that you care, even if he doesn't tell you that.[2]
    • Supporting each other also means saying kind things, like congratulating your brother on his report card, and offering to help out with a chore or some work every now and then.[3]
    • If you complete chores as a team you will become closer as you learn to cooperate more effectively.
    • For example, if you have to wash up, split the tasks so one person does the washing, and one does the drying.
  3. 3
    Keep talking. Try to maintain good communication with your sibling even if you are having difficulties getting along. Just making small talk can help to ease tensions which might otherwise escalate if you are not talking. You need to learn to understand each other and if there is a specific problem just listening to your sibling's concerns is the best way to start doing this. Take time to listen and acknowledge any grievances and work constructively to talk them through.
    • When your sibling is talking really ask yourself "what does my sibling want me to know, what are they telling me?"[4]
    • Remember communication is about giving and receiving information, so listen carefully and don't assume to know what someone is going to say.[5]
    • You can involve your parents and have family meetings to talk about any problems you are having with your sibling.[6]
  4. 4
    Appreciate your differences. Although you are siblings, you are not the same person. You have different personalities, different interests and different strengths. An important part of building a strong and lasting relationship is understanding and appreciating these differences.[7] You might want to play soccer all the time, but your brother wants to play music or do some reading. Don't think of your differences as things that divide you.
    • If your parents keep signing you up for things because your brother likes them, politely and calmly say that you have other interests.
    • If your brother is going to play soccer suggest you do something you like at the same time. Then you can compare notes afterwards.
    • Part of growing up is learning who you are as an individual, so it's perfectly normal to want to distinguish yourself from your sibling.[8]

Method 2 of 3: Avoiding Conflict

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    Don't consider yourselves in constant competition. Is it very common for siblings to think of themselves as being in competition with each other for everything from their parents' affection, to the last slice pizza, or the best grades. Try not to compare yourself with your sibling, but understand that you have different strengths and weaknesses. If you support each other you will develop a better relationship than if you are constantly trying to better each other.[9]
    • If your brother gets the best grades in maths, don't judge yourself against this, but think about what you do well.
    • For example you could say to yourself, "my brother always get high grades in maths, but I always win races at school".[10]
  2. 2
    Understand boundaries. An important part of any relationship is having clear and well-understood boundaries for behaviour. This is especially important for siblings who spend so much time together and grow up together. Your parents should help outline what is not acceptable and you have a responsibility to stick to this.[11]
    • If you feel like you don't understand the boundaries or that your sibling is not respecting them, be honest and open about it.
    • It's important to be able to recognise the boundaries without your parents' intervention.
    • For example, if your brother is annoying you, you can walk away. If he follows you, he may have crossed the boundary.
  3. 3
    Don't lose your cool. If you are jealous, annoyed or frustrated it can be very easy to lose your cool and lose your temper. This will most likely inflame a situation and make it worse. If you can control your temper you will be better able to defuse a problem without it escalating. If you reach boiling point, take a deep breath and a step back.
    • Try to work out what has provoked you and why. Are you annoyed with your sibling or more annoyed with the situation?[12]
    • If you can recognise when your sibling is becoming irritated, step away and don't provoke them.
    • You could say to yourself, "I know he is angry when his voice gets louder and his cheeks turn pink, so I will walk away".
  4. 4
    Identify and avoid particular triggers. As you get to know your sibling better you will gain a clearer understanding of what things irritate him the most. If you want to stay on good terms and have a good relationship you need to respect him and not provoke him. You can say "I know he gets annoyed when I go on about soccer all the time, so I'll talk to somebody else about the last night's game".
    • If your brother gets annoyed with you leaving lots of mess or not clearing away your toys, try to understand his concerns and be considerate.
  5. 5
    Respect each other's space. Siblings spend a lot of time together and it can be hard to escape sometimes, so it's crucial that you each respect each other's space. Everyone needs time to do their own thing and to be alone.[13] If you share a room it's even more important that you respect everybody has a right to their own space and understand the boundaries.[14]
    • Sometimes you might want to play with friends rather than your sibling. This is perfectly normal, just be sensitive and take it as a compliment that your sibling wants to spend time with you.

Method 3 of 3: Dealing With Disagreements

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    Be ready to compromise. If you are having a disagreement with your sibling, you both need to learn to compromise and accommodate each other. Try to divide things fairly and evenly and understand both sides of the dispute. Your parents will be very impressed if you learn to deal with problems with your siblings maturely by talking it through and compromising.[15]
    • Learning to deal with problems on your own by talking is a big part of building strong and lasting relationships.
    • Remember, it takes two people to argue so it takes two people to resolve the argument.
  2. 2
    Understand that actions have consequences. If you find yourself in a dispute with a sibling, you both need to understand that there are consequences to what you do. Understanding this can help you to avoid conflicts or stop them from escalating. For example, if you break your brother's toy, you might be the one who has to replace it from your allowance. Likewise, if he breaks something of yours he will have to pay for it.[16]
    • This is one way to learn about the consequences of actions and encourage more measured ways of dealing with problems.[17]
    • As well as the material consequences, there are emotional ones too. If you say to your brother "you're so stupid", it will hurt really his feelings.
  3. 3
    Know when it's gone too far. It's a good idea to maintain good open communication across your whole family. Talking at meal times and having family meetings are good opportunities to raise any problems. If your fights have become physical and violent, you should talk to your parents straight away. Violence and bullying is never acceptable and goes beyond normal sibling rivalry.[18] It's normal for siblings to argue, but there are differences between typical behaviour and abuse.
    • If you are always the victim, and your sibling is always the aggressor, and the roughness and violence increases over time, this indicates an abusive situation.
    • If there are any sexually inappropriate elements you should talk to your parents straight away.
    • Alternatively, call a child abuse hotline to talk to someone about it, who will be able to give you advice on what to do, and contact any necessary authorities[19]


  • Remember their birthdays, and get them little presents on those dates.
  • Ask them for their advice on things, and give them proper advice, as well. They will know that their opinion is valued, and will have good advice from the person who knows best.
  • Arguments will happen once in a while. Let them go and move on, or go up to them and be friends again.
  • Go to things they want to show off. Whether they have a performance or soccer game they practiced for, go and cheer them on, even if they lose or mess up.
  • Always be their shoulder nearby to cry on.
  • If you know that they're annoying you, don't get angry. Ignore them.


  • Consult your parents if there is serious trouble between you.

Sources and Citations

  1. http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/sibriv.htm
  2. http://www.chicagoparent.com/magazines/chicago-parent/february-2011/features/how-to-get-siblings-to-get-along
  3. http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/home_family/sibling_rivalry.html#
  4. http://www.improvecommunication.net/2010/10/3-steps-that-transform-sibling-conflict.html
  5. http://www.ces.ncsu.edu/depts/fcs/pdfs/fcs424.pdf
  6. http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/childrens-health/in-depth/sibling-rivalry/art-20046568?pg=2
  8. http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/sibriv.htm
  10. http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/home_family/sibling_rivalry.html#
  12. http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/home_family/sibling_rivalry.html#
  13. http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/sibriv.htm
  14. http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/siblings/siblings-101
  15. http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/sibriv.htm
  17. https://brightfutures.org/mentalhealth/pdf/families/ec/siblings.pdf
  18. http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/sibriv.htm
  19. http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/sibabuse.htm

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Categories: Improving Sibling Relationships

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