Why does my toddler lie?

The BabyCentre editorial team

Our panel of health writers.

Your toddler lies because at this age he's not yet able to differentiate between reality and fantasy. Until he's three or four, your toddler won't fully grasp the concept of lying, because he doesn't yet understand the idea of an objective truth based in fact. Instead, at this point his imagination is in overdrive, fuelling his need to embellish. If his books are in a jumbled pile on the floor instead of arranged neatly in his bookcase, he may say that he tripped and hit the bookcase, causing an avalanche of books, when he may have just pulled out a few and the rest followed by accident. He may also quickly forget just how an event took place. Did he trail mud into the kitchen, or did the dog do it? Was it him or his friend who scrawled on his bedroom walls while they were playing?

Another reason your toddler sometimes appears to stretch the truth is "magical thinking." According to experts, when a toddler wishes an event had taken place one way instead of another, he may stretch the truth because he actually believes that saying it will make it so. For example, let's say your toddler yanks a toy out of his baby sister's hand, causing her to burst into tears, then feels sorry he did it. So when you ask what happened, he says she dropped the toy herself because he wishes so much that that's how it had happened that he comes to believe it.

But don't worry - your child isn't headed for a life of crime just because he fibs once in a while. Taking on the mantle of parents' and society's behavioural standards and rules can be a tall task for a toddler. Here are some ways you can help your child learn to practice truthfulness:
  • Encourage honesty. Instead of coming down hard on him when he lies, thank your toddler when he's being direct and tells the truth. You might say: "That's great that you told me about the broken truck. Now I understand how it got that way."
  • Avoid putting your child on the spot. Try not to question him about the details of a transgression. After all, in many cases it's patently obvious; if he has chocolate all over his face, you know exactly what happened to his sister's sweets. Often we question young children because we want them to confess, but this can create a battle where there doesn't need to be one.
  • Act on what you know. In a matter-of-fact way, say, "Justin, it's not okay to take some of Becky's sweets. They're hers and it upsets her. Let's give her some of yours, OK?" By taking this tack, not only have you circumvented the "confess-you-are-lying" confrontation, but you've also led him through the process of reparation. In the long run, knowing how to make up is a more useful skill than knowing how to respond to an interrogation.
  • Model trust. Show your toddler that you trust him and he can trust you by always telling him the truth. Make it a priority to keep your word, and apologise profusely if you break a promise. He'll learn more from your behaviour than he ever could from your admonitions.

Last reviewed: November 2003

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