How to Cope with Parental Alienation of Children

A parent in a family that has divorced, sometimes finds that their ex partner becomes beyond reasonable in creating difficulties and alienating children from contact. This can be researched as "Parental Alienation Syndrome." However, its hard to define and hard to defend against.


  1. 1
    Give yourself a chance to label the problem simply as a tactic by the other partner, usually to gain some control or influence over the situation. State the problem as simply as possible, and write down this sentence as a "label" for that behavior. Now realize how obvious the motivation for it might be, and clearly determine not to act that way in response.
  2. 2
    Write down a list of ways in which you are being provoked, or are likely to be provoked so you know the warning signs when you are being affected by the other persons actions. List simple alternative actions you can take which involve less response.
  3. 3
    Clear your head about whatever real justifications the other person might have for their actions, and write down for yourself an acknowledgement of what these may be. Decide clearly to avoid repeating those faults in the future, and the clear opposite actions that you could take to mark a change in your own behavior. This might involve seeking help with problems such as anger, alcohol, drugs, gambling, morals or all typical human faults. Just work out how to be a better human being that can't be accused of anything with justification.
  4. 4
    Take some time out with a friend you really can trust. Maybe this could be a relative, but it must be someone sensible who knows you well, and who is likely to be trustworthy and discreet. Someone who won't spill the beans to the opposition. Find something enjoyable and diverting to do with someone else. Ideally this should involve a "change in context", so you are not immersed in the problems you are trying to address.
  5. 5
    Set aside some time and money to give attention to something interesting to take your mind of the other problem. Find ways of making your familiar environment a bit different now that things are different. See yourself in some new clothes, doing things differently. Take the trouble to organize better food, some physical exercise, new thoughts, fresh ideas, and information about human psychology.
  6. 6
    If you have children involved, write letters to them that you can send one day in the distant future. This will establish the consistency of your feelings for them when they inevitably want to make decisions for themselves. Keep all legal papers in one folder, and a diary and folder of all correspondence from the other person, for the future. Have a computer file for emails. Log all phone calls with time and a brief code of the stuff that was said, it will often be the same so a simple code helps avoid having to dwell on the power of the assertions.
  7. 7
    Start systematically remembering the good things that happened, and separate them from the bad. Systematically put all these good things together so they are like a time capsule that you can choose to look at one day in the future. Now realize that you need a completely new "capsule" of information about your new life. Start filling it with notes and diaries about the things you can do that help move your mindset away from actions responsive to the problem.
  8. 8
    If there is a dispute about children's custody, or access be very clear in what is a reasonable and balanced solution. Make sure this is recorded somewhere appropriately either by filing a statement with the Court or with the people who may have some influence over the other person. Make sure it is carefully typed/or written, and well presented so it shows that you are being fair and rational. Make it a statement of fact that any reasonable person would respect.
  9. 9
    Consider taking the step of changing the way your mind dwells on the problem. In my case, at one stage, I wondered whether I would feel less despair if I knew that my children would never be able to return. Such as if they had died from natural causes etc. Whatever you do, keep it firmly in mind that they can be as much victims of the actions of the other person, as you are, except they have less self defense against the insinuations and discredit that might be being propagated against you. Accept that for a time, they may have to believe what they are told just to keep their relationship with the other parent manageable. Have faith that human beings are all so much the same that time will eventually show that you are not the monster that you might have been depicted to be. Hard to say it, but perhaps its true: Try to move on from this problem. Once you have done all that you can reasonably do, stop hammering away at a lost cause. To do so might in fact be quite counterproductive, so known when to give up... for the time being.
  10. 10
    Try to get involved in other things that visibly show that the other person no longer has an influence over you based on what they remember. Project the attitude that their stuff is something from the past and you just no longer have time to dwell in that sort of rubbish. Don't validate anything by giving it attention or response, put those matters below your dignity.
  11. 11
    Be a good friend to people who are embarking on similar family tragedy. Most of us wonder how anyone else could possibly understand as our life is falling apart. Be supportive, but also realize that their decisions must be their own decisions, not your advice.
  12. 12
    At all costs, avoid violence. The problem with violence is that it affects you more than you can realize and is most unlikely to give any long term satisfaction. Don't do things that can't be undone, and realize that even thinking that way takes a toll on your own mental health and recovery.
  13. 13
    Apart from everything else, take off your shoes sometime and walk on fresh grass, or go for a swim at a beach, or river. Find somewhere silent and practice completing one thought after another until you only have one thing to think about at a time. Reduce your personal turmoil, watch the things in nature that just go on time after time, unaffected by these human problems. I watch clouds, small birds, and inconsequential insects that just keep doing all the things they normally do. Get things into perspective, the world is a very big place, and our affairs are of very little real significance in the course of time.

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    Categories: Children and Divorce

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