Helter Shelter

Mean Mower Scooters and bad go-getters...

In my whole life, I've seen two lawn mower injuries, and read about one. When I was a teenager, I saw where Timmy Poole's big toe used to be, before he ran over his own foot with a lawn mower.


Two years ago, I read about a man who was blown up by a lawn mower bomb. Poor old James Larry McAnnally, of Jasper, Alabama, straddled his riding mower, turned the key, and got blown right into the hereafter. The blast also killed the loyal McAnnally dog, who was standing near the mower when the deal went down. A few months ago, I called the Jasper sheriff's office, and asked if the crime had ever been solved. Nope, they told me, the lawn mower bomber walks free.

I don't mean to be harsh, but I'm pretty sure that the first two injuries were foreseeable, and preventable. All Timmy had to do was just not pull the lawn mower over his own bare foot. That's pretty basic stuff, like not hitting yourself in the head with a tire iron.

The second guy could've done a little mental calculation. Something like, "Lessee, if I sit on top of this little tractor and ride it sideways on this steep hill, there might be a problem with gravity..."


All of which brings me to this amazing factoid: Careless lawn mower use causes more than 55,000 injuries, and about 75 deaths, every year. Children under the age of five, and adults over the age of 65, constitute 65 percent of the fatalities. So says the American Orthopaedic Foot and Ankle Society (AOFAS).



Anyhow, back to the lawn mowers. The AOFAS offers some suggestions on how to prevent lawn mower injuries. Most of them are simple, common-sense things, such as, make sure the lawn mower is not missing any critical blade guards; heed the manufacturer's warnings; pick up rocks and sticks (projectiles) before you mow; and, for cryin' out loud, don't turn the riding mower into some hellish kiddie ride.

These all make sense.

But here's my favorite, straight from the AOFAS official position statement on preventing lawn mower injuries: "Wear protective eye gear, hand gear, and footwear such as goggles, gloves, and heavy rubber sole boots. (Hiking shoes with double wall leather and cleats are good. Golf shoes are even better.)"

What? No hard hat with a shatter-resistant full-face shield? No hockey-goalie gear? No bomb-sniffing dog? (Y'know, if the McAnnally dog had been a bomb-sniffing dog, he and his master might still be alive today.)


If I had a giant yard and a trust fund, I'd get the Wolf Zero. A $30,000 mower that cuts the grass with laser beams. That means no nasty blades to cut you up or throw rocks at innocent bystanders. I know, $30,000 is a bunch of money for a lawn mower, but you have to consider that the Zero is also a two-seater car, good to go on the street. If a man could figure out how to re-aim those lasers to get Winnebagos out of the fast lane on the interstate, I figure it would be worth every penny