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How to talk to your child about disabilities

by Ziba Kashef

What your preschooler knows — and needs to know

The youngest preschoolers, 2- and 3-year-olds, may not even notice a person's disability unless it's plainly obvious or it's pointed out to them. But they will notice someone using a wheelchair or who has no legs, for example, and wonder why. They might simply stare or ask a question. By age 4, children will definitely notice that someone doesn't talk, walk or eat like everyone else, and they often start blurting out questions. They might even wonder if a disability can happen to them. How you respond to those first innocent and curious observations will affect the way your child thinks about disabilities and treats others as she grows up.

How to begin talking about disabilities with your preschooler

Watch for an opening. The first time your preschooler notices that someone has a disability, start a conversation about differences. You might say, "Finn, I see you're noticing a person who's different than you. Just like we all have different color skin and hair, people are different in all kinds of ways." Then tell him what you know in very plain terms — that the man has a seeing-eye dog or cane because he can't see, for example, or that the woman is using sign language because she can't hear. The goal is to foster an attitude of acceptance and inclusion.

Answer questions directly. As always with young kids, don't go into a long-winded response — just answer the question asked. Susan Linn, a psychologist at the Judge Baker Children's Center at Harvard Medical School, offers this matter-of-fact response to a question about a person in a wheelchair: "I imagine he may be having problems with his legs. He can't walk." And if you don't know the answer to a question your preschooler poses, just say so.

Ruth Bond of San Francisco has 4-year-old twins, one with Angelman's syndrome, a disability that shows up both developmentally and physically. When her typically developed twin, Max, asks why his brother Ben "doesn't have words" or has therapists come by the house to "play" with him, she simply replies that "Ben needs help doing certain things" — a positive explanation that has so far satisfied Max's curiosity.

Watch your words. Take care in how you describe people with disabilities — your child is listening. Avoid outdated, derogatory terms like "crippled," "retarded," and "handicapped." Put the emphasis on the person and not the disability. Say "the child who is autistic" versus "that autistic child." Also avoid referring to nondisabled kids as "normal," since it implies abnormality or a defect in others.

When you and your child encounter someone with a disability, there's no need to say "Don't stare" or "Let's keep moving" to your child. People with disabilities may feel stigmatized by those who avoid them, and your child might get the impression that she can't ask you questions. Instead, simply describe how the person walks or communicates in a different way.

Emphasize what's the same. A kid may be physically or mentally disabled, but he's still a kid. Point out what a playmate or neighbor with a disability has in common with your preschooler — like the same age, height, neighborhood, and favorite color or sport.

Alison Baquero-Cruz of Omaha, Nebraska, whose 3-year-old son, Jaime, has cerebral palsy, says, "I always stress to other kids that Jaime is like them. He likes to draw and watch SpongeBob and do other kid things, but he can't do things the same way — for example, his wheelchair replaces walking for him."

Offer reassurance. Sometimes kids worry that a disability will "rub off" on them. Let your preschooler know privately that it doesn't work that way.

Teach respect. If you hear your preschooler referring to someone with a disability as "stupid" or saying that he walks or talks "funny," take a moment to discourage such teasing. Explain just how much those words can hurt and point out that looking or behaving differently doesn't make someone stupid.

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