

6 "World-Changing" Inventions (That Didn't Change Shit)

The last 50 odd years have seen the introduction of some of the most life-changing inventions ever created. Some of them, like the Internet, the iPod, or the fleshlight, are so useful or cool that they become an inescapable part of our daily lives. Others, well, not so much. And no amount of hype could save them.

The Video Phone

How It Was Supposed To Change The World:

As early as 1910, people were imagining a wonderful future where they could see the person they were talking to miles away while still being able to enjoy the privacy of being pantless off screen. Videophones were standard future tech in science fiction (hell, imagine Star Trek without the bad guy threatening the crew on the giant wide screen monitor that apparently works with all alien camera technology).

So companies have been tinkering with videophone systems for decades, and AT&T had an easy to use prototype up and running by the 60s. By 1970, the picture phone was available for use in New York, Washington, Chicago and Pittsburgh. Major companies like Westinghouse had units installed in their corporate headquarters.

The video wasn't great but it didn't matter. The grainy technicolor future was here!

How It Didn't Change Shit:

Besides costing $1500 for the phone, the service cost over $90 bucks a month. Back in 1970, most people's disposable income was tied up in polyester shirts and cocaine, leaving little room for insanely expensive talky boxes. But the real nail in the coffin was the fact that people didn't want to use videophones nearly as much as everyone thought they did.

Sure, it was fun to see the person you were talking to at first, but once the novelty wore off it got weird. People didn't look at the camera when they talked, they looked at the screen. Even in webcams today, you don't look at the girl you're paying $5.95 a minute, you look down and to the left. The reason face-to-face contact is so valued by people, aside from the chance to score a peripheral glance at some boob, is the human eye contact. And the videophone didn't allow any.

Another unforeseen problem was that people liked being able to see the person they were talking to, but didn't really want anyone to see them. With a regular phone you can answer safe in the knowledge that no one knows how sad your life is. But with a video phone, you can't hide the fact you're eating sandwiches on the toilet.

Is There Any Hope?

Sure, webcams have become ubiquitous, but most people use those to masturbate with strangers. Somehow that doesn't feel the same when you're using your home phone talking to grandma. Many cellphones have the capability to send and receive video calls, it's just a matter of most people not giving a damn.

It's useful for some groups,such as the deaf who can use it to sign, and for various medical and diagnostic purposes. Outside of those specialized uses, it seems to be doomed to always be a novelty, niche product.


How It Was Supposed To Change The World:

Generally speaking, it's hard to spend your life wallowing in Pabst and pork rinds and then ooze into some bicycle shorts for a round of squat thrusts without looking like a complete troll. Wouldn't it be great if there was a magical product that let you stuff your greasy pie-hole without having to worry about breaking the toilet? Well in 1998, it looked that product might have arrived.

Accidentally discovered by chemists at Proctor and Gamble in 1968 who were probably trying to find some way to make birth control come in Skittles flavors, Olestra is a food additive that can be used as a substitute for fat. For a world in love with chips, donuts and bacon-wrapped bacon, Olestra should have been the second coming of Jesus. Sweet, greasy Jesus.

Sure, there have been other fat substitutes before, but they either didn't work or made the food taste like, well, some chemical that came out of a lab. Olestra was different. A magic bullet that reduces fat but didn't leave an aftertaste like axle grease. Its downfall can be traced to the two most horrible words in the English language: anal leakage.

How It Didn't Change Shit:

Olestra-filled products initially flew off the shelves. In one year alone, $400 million worth of the fat substitute-filled snacks were sold. Olestra looked like the best idea since people stopped letting Rob Schneider make movies. People started to imagine a world where they could eat like pigs and still be thin without sticking their fingers down their throats.

In 2000, sales of Olestra had halved. Late night talk show hosts and hack comedians everywhere joked about it. The product that was supposed to change the way the world snacked was a bust. Why? It all came down to the warning label:

Olestra may cause abdominal cramping and loose stools.

In fairness, eating just a few Olestra-laden chips wasn't going to make you Spackle your shorts with greasy ass jelly. The side effect usually only occurred if someone ate an excessive amount of Olestra in a really short time. However, even a small chance of anal leakage is still too much of a chance for even the most Cheezie-addicted customers.

Is There Any Hope?

No need to cry for the miracle product that was Olestra. Even though the FDA eventually removed the anal leakage warning because, apparently, no one was having anal leakage, people didn't really give a shit, so to speak. Rather than call it a total bust, Proctor and Gamble did the next best thing and turned Olestra into an industrial lubricant for small power tools.

So feel free to lick your drill next time you bust it out safe in the knowledge it won't actually cause anal leakage. Probably.


How It Was Supposed To Change The World:

Back in the carefree days of the early 90s, companies were eager to expand the growth of the Internet beyond bored office workers, pornography enthusiasts and white supremacists, looking for a way to get "mom" in to cyberspace. In 1996, WebTV looked like it had the perfect solution.

Sweetheart, what's a goatse?

For about a third of the cost of a new PC, the technologically unsavvy could surf for pictures of cute cats and get fleeced in 419 scams through their TV, and right from the comfort of their sofa.

How It Didn't Change Shit:

While it originally proved quite popular, WebTV was not without its problems. For one, it was woefully out of its league with a 33.6 kb/s modem, no hard drive and 8 MB of RAM (yes, bad for even those days). It also had no operating system, so software had to be downloaded directly from WebTV. This made it really easy to use, but it also meant that WebTV had to pay big bucks to companies like RealPlayer to make their applications available. But the real problem was the customers.

Having the technologically retarded as your customer-base means you're going to have a lot more customer service issues. Users of WebTV were constantly asking for help with the simplest of questions about the service. How do I check my e-mail? Why would a cat even ask if it can have cheeseburger?

"Hey, I was looking for Discovery Channel and I found porn but now I want the porn and I can't find it anymore. What's the porn I was looking at?"

At the same time, customers rarely clicked on ads or used the shopping features, two streams of revenue WebTV was sure customers would provide. And it didn't help that PCs got a lot faster and cheaper. WebTV didn't die, but it failed to live up to its promise to bring grandma to the Internet.

Is There Any Hope?

WebTV at some point realized they sucked but had an out: Microsoft. Microsoft bought the company and turned it into MSN TV, well aware that they had their own giant customer base of idiots and thus the infrastructure to deal with them. They're still plugging along, serving that select group of customers who 1) want to surf the Net 2) refuse to leave the couch and 3) have never heard of a laptop.

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