JEANIE MILEY: Be accountable for your actions

Ending the cycle of passing on the hurt

Hurt people hurt people.

It's become a four-word truth, an axiom explaining that people inflict the wounds they carry onto others, either by action (or sometimes inaction) or words.

Whoever coined that simple explanation for the ways in which human beings use what has happened to them to injure others understood an ancient principle of human dynamics. Whatever we don't work out in ourselves we will take out, project out or act out onto other people, usually the ones we say we love the most or innocent people who just happen to be in the way when the old wound kicks up. We humans do use our wounds as weapons.

In the past, knowing that about human beings has stirred my compassion and understanding for others. I was taught, as well, to be kind to everyone, for everyone is having a hard time, one way or another. However, it is a fine line between compassion and excusing others' inexcusable behavior or my own. There have been times when I've allowed my compassion to make me put up with that which is intolerable or even harmful.

Today, I know that it is not enough just to understand that hurt people hurt other people.

That piece of wisdom isn't the end of things, when it comes to living within the larger world of relationships. You can't stop at saying "Hurt people hurt people"; that doesn't go far enough.

So, what are we to do about stopping the cycles of hurting people hurting other people?

Sometimes, we can negotiate a new dynamic with the person who is hurting others by conversation or negotiation, and that isn't easy. It is harder for some of us than others to confront a negative behavior, and using the skills of conflict resolution may be easier in some situations than in others. Sometimes, sadly and often tragically, the other person has no interest or is simply unable to do his part of the necessary changes that would lead to resolution.

If talking it over doesn't affect the problem or change the dynamics, we may have to remove ourselves from the relationship, if possible. Sadly, too, sometimes it isn't possible.

On the other hand, when I'm the one with the injury, it's not enough to excuse myself with "You don't know how much I've been hurt," or "You don't know how hard my life is."

To have one's excuses stopped in their tracks isn't a pleasant wake-up call, but to be faced with friends, family or colleagues who refuse to go along with the same old, sad or sick behavior is one of the best things that can happen to someone who's too much at ease in the soft, fluffy bed of rationalization of hurtful behavior.

If I am the one who is hurting other people, I need to be awakened to what I am doing that hurts others. If I am the one who offends others and then excuses myself with some lame reason or a valid excuse, I need someone who cannot only understand why I have that reason but who also will refuse to let me use it as a bully whip.

If I am the one who has other people walking on eggshells because they are afraid of my reactions, it is my job to wake up to the offenses I am committing against the people I say I love.

"It's too hard to change!" the baby self in all of us wails when confronted with the truth. about ourselves.

It is hard to change, and I suppose that is why so few of us do it.

Doesn't it make sense, though, to address our flaws when they are manageable?

Doesn't it make sense to hold each other accountable for the ways we treat others and the ways we allow ourselves to be treated, whether those ways lead to more hurt or to healing?

Doesn't it make sense to stop hurtful behavior before it gets out of hand?

Doesn't it make a lot of good, common sense to do to others as we want them to do to us, and not do to others what we do not want done to ourselves?


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