Strategies for Parents: Using Tech as Consequence

Beth Blecherman is the founder of TechMamas, a community that engages its followers in discussions on technology, social media, and consumer electronics. Follow her @TechMama and on YouTube at TechMamas.

When I was a mostly responsible but occasionally rebellious teenager and resisted household chores or weekend curfews, my Mother would sometimes pull out of her pocket the most dreaded of confrontational sentences. Her eyes would crinkle, her voice would lower to an icy whisper, and she would say, “do what I am asking, or the punishment will be (fill in the blank here with your favorite threat.) I knew she was serious. It would usually stop me dead in my tracks.

Now that we live in the age of constantly connected teens, is the new threat at the end of the sentence above some form of technology banishment? Is the consequence of taking away a phone, game controller or computer the right punishment for unacceptable behavior?

In a recent survey of their technology use, U.S. teens said they couldn’t live without their mobile devices for a week. I wasn't surprised, because my son’s daily attachment to his phone and computer begins before he leaves his room to eat breakfast. In his defense, he uses the phone in real time to request rides and inform us if he goes to a friend’s house after school. His phone helps him be independent, make plans with friends, as well as stay in sync with the family schedule. He is also playing interactive games including Words With Friends with several extended family members. It seems that other teens feel the same way as shown in another survey that states “most young adults say social media and technology positively effects their social well being”.

SEE ALSO: The Top 5 Things Parents Should Never Do on Facebook

But as powerful a social tool as technology has become for teens and kids, so has the need for enforcement of family rules. When it comes to setting consequences for not shutting off the tech for family meals, homework time, and before bedtime as well as keeping overall screen time to a reasonable minimum –the threat of taking tech away seems to be the only effective “or else.” And I am not alone. Many of our family friends have used similar tactics, taking away their teen’s gaming controller, computer or (the one that sends shivers down any teen’s spine) their phone. One teen we know is actually referred to by his friends as ”the one that does not have a phone because his parents took it away for not listening”.

Here are two strategies we devised to help our kids exercise discipline in advance of their tech being taken away.

1. Proactive Consequences

Consequences need to be enforced in order to be effective deterrents. So our kids clearly understood family rules, we decided to define in advance the behaviors that if not demonstrated would result in our kids’ tech being taken away. This includes abiding by screen time limits, doing chores and homework when asked, and shutting off technology for family dinners and before bedtime. Indeed, I have resorted to shutting down my teen’s wireless phone service as a consequence for not following agreed-upon rules. As a result, he now knows we are serious and a few friendly “you know what happens when you don’t” reminders work like a charm.

Our elementary school aged twin boys know that they have extended screen time if they are reading, listening to audio books or reading e-books on their tablet, but if they switch to watching videos or playing games we will take the tablet away. Another friend bought their teen an e-reader without tablet functionality because their son already had trouble controlling use of apps on his phone. Our teen knows that if he is distracted by his phone when getting ready for school in the morning, we will move his phone and charger into our room until he demonstrates he can get ready on time.

2. Reactive Consequences

Even though our kids usually comply, there are some days when we need to define a consequence on the fly that may not be included in the general family rules. During a family event where we asked our teen to minimize technology use and be present, our teen’s Facebook stream began heating up. In that case, after a few unsuccessful “calm” prompts to put his phone down, we took his phone away until the event was over.


One afternoon when our boys had already spent time playing outside during an overly hot day, they were granted some extra screen time inside to play Minecraft. But after prompts to end the game, the video-addictive magnetism was too strong for them to turn it off when asked. So we just shut off the gaming controller. Beyond the dangers of being attacked by a Minecraft Monster, we were worried that our kids real life “health bar” (Minecraft term) was depleted through too much play.

Even with open and proactive communication, each new day brings new situations that make my husband and me question if it's working and if we need new rules for consequences.

Do you use tech as a consequence for your kids or teen, and if so has it been effective? Let us know in the comments.


Image courtesy of bowdenimages