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When a parent is stage-struck








What prompts a parent to have this all-consuming drive?








What can be done about a stage parent?





"There were many times where we were a happy, winning pair," she says. "I was a very successful actor, and a lot of that was attributable to her."

Denning says a parent should be supportive and participate in the arts with their children. Parents need to identify and correct problems that may develop. But they also need to keep their child in focus and always be aware of a need for change, Lengua says.

"Look for signs. If a child tells you … they don't want to do it, ride that wave, but if a child is well past getting anything out of it, it may be time," Lengua says. "Parents can make the call too. If they think the child is more adversely affected — stress, a lack of self-esteem — a parent can evaluate whether to stop the activity on their own."

Francis, who has two young sons, believes it goes back to the parents. She says they need to get a grip, to determine what's important by employing a guiding set of values.

"Success is not what society deems as valuable," she says. "It's not being the most recognized or the highest paid, it's being able to sleep at night, to be content with who you are. That's my No. 1 goal, to teach my kids to be happy with who they are and be content. In today's society that's a hard thing to teach kids."

Melissa Francis weighs in on stage parenting, Hollywood style

Following is an edited transcript of a conversation with Melissa Francis, author of "Diary of a Stage Mother's Daughter."

Q: Don't stage parents just want what's best for a kid? Or what they perceive as best?

A: It also could be what the success means to the parent. They can live vicariously through the child. While (my mother) was very proud of me, she liked how it made her feel.

Q: How do you stop it? Do parents have to become aware they're doing it?

A: I don't know if it's even possible. They're … impervious to outside reflection of what's going on. Anytime someone would be critical, she said, "They're just jealous of your success." Which, for a child in that position, is believable.

Q: If these stage parents can't stop themselves, it's sort of up to the kids. You finally caught on.

A: Over time it was impossible not to notice what it was doing to my sister. That's when I started questioning what was going on in our house. The more my light shined, the more she was shoved into the shadows. I knew it was causing her pain. I felt like if she wasn't willing to be a mother to my sister, she shouldn't be allowed to live vicariously through me. I didn't think I was closing the door to our relationship, I thought we would be resetting our relationship. I thought she loved me so much and I was so valuable to her that she would reset her relationship with my sister. But I was shocked when she didn't do that.

— W.H.

Signs of trouble

Is that dad or mom a stage parent? Worse, are you? Some clues:

Is the parent showing favoritism to one child? Kids are sensitive to cues as to favoritism, Liliana Lengua says, so parents need to be careful they're not devoting more time to one child. "Children are aware of that," she says. "They are left feeling less loved by their own parents."


Is that a stage parent, or a parent justly protecting a child? "A level of concern for the safety of a child is important," Todd Denning says. "But it can be taken to an extreme. If taken too far, it's hard to solve the problem."


Is the parent inhibiting the child's emotional growth? A stage parent often fails to nurture a child's emotional development in areas such as making friends or learning empathy, Ann C. Stadtler says.

— W.H.

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