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Thanks for the freedom to choose motherhood

Posted: August 30, 2010 - 2:48pm

My mom and dad taught me I could do anything I put my mind to; for most of my childhood my dad was in graduate school and then medical school, and my mom taught junior high school science and health. So even with their long hair, organic garden and peace medallions, they remained productive contributors to society rather than just dropping out of it. Both my parents were flummoxed when I opted to play with Barbies instead of help my dad fix the engine of their 1970 Toyota Landcruiser. Now, my mother admits, "Anyone who thinks the difference between males and females is all nurture just hasn't had children yet."

So much of the women's rights movement has focused on breaking women out of limiting, rigid roles. My mother, who got the highest grade of any student on her organic chemistry final exam, was told by her advisor that women shouldn't go to graduate school. The history of women's rights has been breaking one after another assumption: women shouldn't wear pants, women shouldn't vote, women shouldn't work outside the home. All along the way were the men and women observant enough to realize that women were equals and brave enough to say so.

The most sexist comment anyone ever made to me was a fifth grader who told me once I threw like a girl. I called him a sexist pig.

We are in some ways so very fortunate now, as women, to have so many more career opportunities open to us. Females excel in a range of subjects and it's no longer an oddity to see women engineers or space physicists. To my mind, the revolution is complete in some ways.

However, I believe that the next frontier for women's rights is the honoring of work that used to be traditionally done by women. While the world needs astrophysicists, it also needs parents and teachers, very badly indeed.

What if our society came to recognize the deep, precious value of parenting done well? Good parenting can and ideally is shared as a team. Astrophysicists can be terrific moms and dads, but the simple fact is that parenting is a job that involves actually being with children, and the more the better - particularly when they are very young.

I've grown up hearing soul-crushing stories of Rosie the Riveters who discovered they could fly planes and fix engines for the good of their country, only to be thrown back into an endless cycle of waxing and dusting - and often, depression - when the men returned from World War II.

I know, too, of the boundless lessons to be had in the work world, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Just because some women and some men would make beautiful parents shouldn't damn half the population to a limited role. But now that we know that men and women are equal - though different - can we now find a way to strengthen our families and care for our children?

I was so very fortunate to be able to work part time until our daughter was 4, and spent hours with her nursing and snuggling, singing, walking, exploring rocks and insects, flowers and painting, reading, music and the world in the unique view of the toddler. I learned the rhythm of a walk downtown to the library, and home for lunch and a nap. I learned to never go anywhere without a snack on hand.

Working full time has gone better for me since I realized that I literally work two jobs. As I drive home I put on another hat, take a deep breath, and ready to support my child, encourage and contribute to her development and wellbeing physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. So from about 4 to 9 p.m., I'm helping with homework, cooking dinner, doing dishes, traveling to activities, supervising play and making sure her needs are met.

"When do you rest?" some might ask. "When do you clean the house?" others might ask. "When do you and your husband find time together?" or "When do you hang out with friends?"

Yes, those are very, very important questions, and I don't really have the answers. But except for cleaning the house, I can safely say I don't do those other things as much as I want to.

Children are not supposed to either raise themselves or be raised entirely by schools and daycares. The liberation of women need not and should not come at the expense of children.

Also, I threw a softball rather well when I was a kid. Why is doing anything "like a girl" still an insult?

I read that Hillary Clinton's poll numbers went down when she teared up. To me, that suggests that the evolution is far from complete. Most women know that a good cry nourishes the soul the way rain replenishes growing crops. Water is a good metaphor for female strength, which I think is soft, like water, and yet strong enough to carve the Grand Canyon. I wonder whether men, too, have felt supported to step outside their roles into their fullness as humans.

While stereotypes are just that, many women do have a special strength in the area of embracing and nourishing families, and I'm proud of this strength. It may not be glamorous, but a morning when we all get out the door fed, lunch in hand, while having actually enjoyed each other is not only practically an Olympic feat but, also feels so good. It's my second job, done well.

I remain a feminist to the core but would never, ever ask a mother "do you work?"

Our history used to be an example of the male at the expense of the female, the mind at the expense of the body, spirit at the expense of the earth. Yet a win-win balance between mom and dad that helps children thrive must be a worthy future. Our bodies can help us make decisions that access all of our knowing, not just logic. And the earth as a physical manifestation of the glory of spirit is more likely to nourish and teach us than one spit on and devalued.

I am a mother, wife and writer, one that would put my family before my career, every time. And yet I'm so thankful to the brave warriors who had the strength to embrace my freedom to choose.

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