Chronic pain is an unfortunate reality for millions of people. From migraines to back pain, pervasive medical conditions can leave an individual not only in physical pain but in emotional pain as well. The same is true for the partner of the person who is suffering. When one person is living with chronic pain or illness, his or her mate is dealing with it as well and often feels confused, helpless, and sometimes angry. Meanwhile, the person with the ailment might feel as though his or her needs are being overlooked and begin to feel resentful or invisible.

This was the case with Lionel and Tara. Although happily married for many years, Tara’s fibromyalgia diagnosis had changed the dynamics of their relationship to the point that it had become increasingly contentious. They became disconnected and were at odds with each other. Lionel felt as though he couldn’t do anything right and that every move he made angered Tara. She felt like he wasn’t pulling his weight and that he didn’t recognize how much pain she was in. To top things off, she didn’t want to be a burden to her children in any way, so she hid her illness from them. After years of being a good partner to Lionel, Tara wanted and needed him to step up and do more, but he didn’t know what he should be doing. The result: He felt nagged and she felt martyred, and neither was getting the love and respect they desperately wanted and deserved.

Sadly, this situation will probably sound very familiar to the millions of couples out there who face chronic pain and its effects. To help safeguard your bond during this painful time, consider the following:

  1. Realize that the diagnosis has changed things. You are the same people as you were before the diagnosis, but whether you are the one with the illness or your partner is, your day-to-day lives have been irrevocably changed by this event and there is nothing you can do to resurrect your old relationship. However, you can create a new relationship: one that is stronger, more compassionate, and deeper than before.
  1. Don’t keep your pain a secret. If you are hiding your diagnosis from friends or family, you are dealing with a double burden. The emotional stress of hiding your condition can actually worsen it, so try to be as open and honest as possible. Let people know your boundaries — for example, some people with fibromyalgia might feel pain from hugs or physical touch, in which case it’s important to speak up and let loved ones know when touch is and is not a good idea.
  1. Stop looking for evidence to harm your partner. In relationships, we tend to make up stories about our partners: He’s the lazy one, she’s the selfish one, etc., and then we look for evidence. This means that we are only focusing on the negative things our partners do, instead of focusing on the positive. Stop looking for evidence to convict your partner, and start looking for evidence to acquit him.
  1. Don’t expect your partner to be a mind reader. You have to find a way to vocalize what is going on inside you, even if you are afraid of how your partner might react. Letting things fester is never a good idea, so come clean about how you feel, and tackle things in the moment rather than letting tension and unhappiness build up.
  1. Keep regular sex a priority. If your doctor has given you the green light to have sex, then there is no reason why chronic illness or pain has to end your sex life entirely. Of course, there will be some days when sex isn’t possible or when pain might make touch impossible, and in those cases, it’s okay to speak up and postpone the act. But on days when the pain is well-managed, take advantage of the reprieve and have sex! Remember, it’s not just good for your relationship, it’s also good for your physical health as well!
