03 February 2012

What if Germany had won World War 2?


I do shun the "what if" genre, so popular recently in the literature. This post, however, is not exactly about a "what if" situation, as you will see. It talks about an imaginary Russian school pupil, writing an imaginary essay on the above mentioned subject. Since some of the terms or situations may appear unfamiliar to Western reader, I have added a few remarks at the end.

The whole thing was intended as a (barbed) joke, but the outcome is a satirical piece too good to miss. And of course, it's hardly about the WW II, so relax.

What if Germany had won World War 2?

The composition topic given by the teacher was unusual, even bizarre: "What if the Germans had won that war?".

Little Johnny strained his imagination playing with his stylus. Unfortunately, so far the result was a list
of absurdities. Such things could not possibly have happened in Russia. Besides, in the end Germans lost.

1. There will remain virtually no industry in the country, the occupiers will be concerned only with plundering its natural resources.

2. At each exit from a big city police will be checking those who plan to leave or arrive. Each resident will be required to register with the police at the place of residence.

3. All the "aristocrats" will ride only in black German cars with sirens. Ordinary people overtaken by the bosses will have to stop on the side of the road and wait till they pass.

4. To maintain the atmosphere of fear "they" will create gangs of mountain tribal people. The gangs will occasionally attack the local population, rob and kill.

5. The rulers will be chosen out of particularly dastardly local citizens. Children and wives of governors will live abroad
for safety reasons. And the bosses will take turns at the helm on rotation basis.

6. Instead of the people's militia a  police, selected from the worst scum, will be organized, there will be a lot of them and people will fear them more than they fear bandits.

7. Fascism will eventually become the most popular ideology, thriving on common despair. Only - in its Russian version.

8. German goods will be deemed the best and most desirable.

9. President will speak German much better than Russian.

10. Instead of vodka, beer will be promoted and sold, like in Germany.

11. Those who fought against the Germans will receive a pittance as pension and meager food packages as holidays presents.

12. Russians killed in the war are buried in mass graves, just to be enable relatives to name the place of burial.

13. Most of the male population will pass through prison camps. To break the will to resist.

14. Teachers and doctors in the occupied territories will receive minimal salaries, just to keep the rate of population decrease not too high.

15. On the distant outskirts of Russia's Primorye some small partisan groups may remain. They will attack the policemen, but the intimidated population will be too afraid to help them.

16. Roads will not be built and gasoline will be made more expensive, to make people stay at home.

17. It will be forbidden to own weapons, lest people decide to revolt suddenly.

18.  Cheap barracks with low ceilings will be built for accommodations, based on 8 square meters per person standard.

19. The most agile and intelligent will be allowed to emigrate and live abroad and will be regarded by others as a great success.

America and the Jews will be declared the main enemy of Russia.

Vera Pavlovna pondered the
composition for a long time. And in the end marked it 3 - for good fantasy.


3. The Russian party chieftains, oligarchs and other "upper class" characters have indeed the blue light blinkers and sirens installed in their limousines. To make sure you know who is being motored.

6. The accepted name of "people's militia" was changed about a year ago to "police". In fact, nothing much changed, the new police being as corrupt and inefficient as the old militia. 

9. Putin's KGB career was made in Germany.

15. Primorye - the Russian Pacific coastal area around Vladivostok .

Vera Pavlovna - obviously the teacher. 3 - passing grade in school (out of 5).


KatieNorcross said...

In many ways there was no differences between the Germans and the Soviets.

If Germany had won WW 2, that meant that Japan won too.  Thus the United States might not exist.  The US being split between Japan and Germany means I would not exist.

SnoopyTheGoon said...

That too.

Rob Miller said...

I started cackling the minute I started reading this..'cause I knew where it was going!

SnoopyTheGoon said...

 As mentioned, it's a good one.