Scientists claim that five-year-long research has culminated in a positive link between Bigfoot and modern humans. As in, Bigfoot, the mythical and allusive ape-like creature, could be related to your Uncle Bill. That would explain Uncle Bill’s year-round fur coat, and why he prefers mountain-living over the city.

This is real, actual, 100 percent serious. According to Melba S. Ketchum, who is a supposed Texan veterinarian, mtDNA samples — Mitochondrial DNA, the DNA that resides in the cell’s energy-producing structures passed down by mothers — extracted from alleged Bigfoot samples show an identical match to that of modern Homo sapiens. NuDNA, which is nuclear DNA passed down from both parents, contained an unknown hominin related to Homo sapiens and other primate species, Ketchum observed.

The proof, then, pegs Bigfoot’s existence to somewhere around 15,000 years ago, and insists that “cryptids had sex with modern human females that resulted in hair hominin hybrids.” Dubious, wild, but is it really true?

Ketchum’s data hasn’t been peer-reviewed in any scientific journal, so there hasn’t been any outside verification on her findings. This could be a total misread by Ketchum, and erroneous on all counts. And, for that matter, how are we to be sure she acquired actual Bigfoot DNA? eBay? Craigslist? Ketchum’s team has actually admitted they have no clue how the alleged DNA was collected.

The presence of mtDNA is key. This could very well mean that Bigfoot ancestors had sex with modern woman about 15,000 years ago. Unlikely, but who knows what the social pool was like back then. The more probable scenario is that, whomever collected the sample and introduced it to Ketchum, accidentally contaminated it with their own DNA (sneeze, cough, etc.)

Ketchum has requested that the U.S. government henceforth recognize Bigfoot as “an indigenous people and immediately protect their human and Constitutional rights against those who would see in their physical and cultural differences a ‘license’ to hunt, trap, or kill them.” Basically, protection for a creature that doesn’t exist. I’d recommend Ketchum reach out to the Idaho scientist trying to track down Bigfoot using a blimp. Sounds like they’d have plenty to discuss.

[via MSNBC]