African giraffe

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Giraffe range map

Lacking natural predators, giraffes have taken over the African continent and continued in their conquest to Italy, Spain, Portugal, and Crete.

“Their asses are too high for me to reach, but that doesn't stop me trying.”
~ Oscar Wilde on African giraffe males

“I saw one in the bush once, it certainly put the willies up me.”
~ Noel Coward on African giraffe
“The constant chaos and many murders that these giraffes have been responsible for can only compare to the horribly homicidal Hungry Hungry Hippos.”
~ Alliteration on African giraffe
“Jiraffs hav big neks.”
~ Illiteration on African Giraffe

The African giraffe is the powerhouse of the land mammal society. They are very tall and have 8 legs and 2 necks, each with the head of Gordon Brown. It has webbed feet and is often compared to a large duck. Giraffa camelopardalis speedigonzales is considered by many to be the fastest even-toed ungulate in the world, though the Somalian Hippopotami and Peruvian Alpaca are thought to be able to match the African giraffe in terms of endurance.

Speed and special attacks


Look at that giraffe go. [Image not to scale, actual African giraffe much larger]

Clocking in a top speed of over 347 mph, with 1 African Giraffe power (Roughly 12,334 times the power of a mere horse), and outpowering the Bugatti Veyron by a factor of 12, African giraffes can easily outrun small airplanes, and if they ever feel the need, they can tear the wheels off the plane with their sheer height. They developed this advanced speed running down airplanes during their conquest of Europe, including Crete.

In the only existing recording of an African giraffe committing its final charge at a 10-story building, the giraffe succeeded at breaking the sound barrier and reaching a mach speed of 1.003. Unfortunately, the person recording this incident was actually hiding inside the building.

Other minor skills African giraffes have developed include:

  • Bullet dodging
  • Stone skin
  • Eye lasers
  • Death rays (used in conquest of Europe)
  • Flying
  • The ability to take a crap while charging at an enemy at the amazing speed of 347 mph
  • Holding the world record for eating the most of their own skin in one minute, whilst standing on one leg (2004)

Additional sightings and information regarding giraffe violence is available



If food is scarace the African giraffe will climb trees and feast upon bird eggs and insects, this is also a common tactic to ambush potental prey.

Their diet mainly consists of other dead giraffes and the occasional lion. From eating other dead African Giraffes - especially the bones - they have also managed to acquire super-hollow bones, which allows them the ability to fly. While cannibalistic, giraffes are reluctant to devour their kin which has led them to make the most of their meals. Over time, they have developed very effective digestive processes which use every bit of energy in their food. Consequently, giraffes need only eat once a month, rendering them invulnerable to siege and hunger strikes.



Here we can plainly see as an African Giraffe flies in a deadly reign of terror, sweeping across Europe as an unstoppable force.


Here is an extremely accurate diagram that shows the actual events that took place on 9/11. Image to exact scale... yeah, they're really tall

The giraffe's main predator is other giraffes and because of this, the population spreads over most of Africa and southern Europe, including Spain and Portugal. Also Crete. Herd animals to the super-hollow bone, giraffes will not often resort to cannibalism, preferring instead to pick off the dwindling lion population. As they are not eating each other, and as the giraffe would sooner eat a predator than be preyed upon, the giraffes soon realized they would need to form a militant society in order to overcome imminent overpopulation.


European Conquest

Africa was swollen with African Giraffes and busting at its seams. Seriously, it was like a fat emo chick wearing those tight pants. But in Europe. Ew. Anyway, the highly organized, heavily armed giraffes found themselves with no place to go but up. Europe would never know what hit it. Also Crete.

It has been speculated that the African Giraffe arrived in Crete after running a midnight death-ray bombing raid on northern Libya while heading up, through and beyond Uranus. A group of irresponsible giraffes got to running low on fuel and had to make an emergency landing. They found and killed about 5 billion people on the island and claimed it as their northern reconnaissance base of operations.

Realizing the latent potential in European soil, the African giraffe decided it needed to expand its horizons. Calling their army reserves all over Africa to service, the giraffes quickly mobilized. In a pincer movement, half the forces advanced over land across the Arabian peninsula, while the rest sailed on galleons toward the Iberian peninsula. Both flanks were successful, but the giraffes advancing through Spain found the French distasteful and stopped their conquest. Bringing in civilians to colonize the Iberian peninsula, the African giraffe military returned to Crete before embarking on the next stage of their European conquest.

Meanwhile, the Arabian peninsula fell to the giraffes as they plodded through. However, they did not intend to maintain control over it, as it was hot and dry and desert-y. After a traipse through Turkey, they found Greece and Italy to their liking and soon settled there, uprooting countless numbers of previous inhabitants. This day has been recorded in the history archive of the United Nations as the worst giraffe-related real estate disaster of all time.

The African giraffe has yet to achieve world domination, most likely due to its small full-time army and rampant use of unmotivated reserves. Once these forces found an area to their liking, they ceased their march of terror and slaughter and settled on the land full of feasting and ripe babies. However, taking full notice of this shortcoming, the giraffes have started many military schools and will be on the march again soon.


They look innocent enough, until they run you the fuck down.

Recently a Giraffe was spotted doing the breaststroke off of the coast of Crete. This had led the majority of the senior scientists at the IGRCPE (International Giraffe Reconnaissance Concept Projected Effort) to the conclusion that the African Giraffe is preparing for a second European conquest.

The Great War of Crete

The Great War of Crete took place on October 19th, 1902. All of the Cretans had been preparing for the deadly attack of the African Giraffes for over 12 years. After reaching the Island of Crete, these beasts took out the whole island in a meager 14 seconds with all of their nuclear warfare. At this time the great Radiotronoraffes, who were still alive, allied with the African Giraffes. After taking down Crete in 14 seconds, the Giraffes all walked away laughing.

Elders of the Cretan people are now scarred, and shakily tell the story of the war, saying that the destructive power of these animals was so scary that the only people who lived were the ones who went on the vacation to America. One of the sole survivors, Marko Slovenia, said he was so lucky he was not there. He said through tears that all of his brothers, Marke, Marki, Marka, Marku, and Jim were all destroyed from these great beasts.

Where did Atlantis go?

Everyone seems to wonder, "where did Atlantis go?" The truth is, the disappearance of Atlantis was due to the African giraffe. After destroying the village and submerging with their guerrilla-style hit-and-run warfare, the African giraffes decided to leave a few microorganisms in which people would be able to grow back. Millions of years later, these people emerged from the toxic sludge as fully formed life. They now live in France.

A Right Public Nuisance


Newer generations of African giraffes are faster and deadlier than ever before. African giraffes WILL run you the fuck down.


Attacks by killer giraffes are fatal in all but the rarest of cases. If attacked, roll into the fetal position and lose control of your bowels, as this can cause confusion in your attacker. Giraffes are still likely to run you the fuck down though.


Horrific drive-by giraffings are on the rise throughout Africa and Europe.

African giraffes are extremely aggressive and are known to go on mass killing sprees through small African villages. Because the Africans' only defence is nuclear warfare, the giraffes have run rampant through society, killing trillions in the process.

Every year there are over 7,890 giraffe-related deaths, seven of them in Crete alone. The African giraffes in Africa are observed to be the most violent. Scientists theorize this is AIDS- or heat-related. Note: All scientists in Africa are actually witch doctors.

Giraffes are immune to bullets, stabbing, nukes, and laser-guided missiles. Ironically, the African giraffe's only weakness is other African giraffes. And very fat Italian men. This has led the African government to start hundreds of giraffe-breeding programs. These mostly end in the death of entire civilizations because everybody knows African giraffes will run you the fuck down.

Great African Giraffe Leaders

Over the years there have been many great leaders for African giraffe history. These are the stories recovered from a paper bag that was buried by an ancient philosopher-giraffe.

The Great and Almighty Flairhair

This 32-foot-tall African giraffe was the leader of the Flamer group of African Giraffes. He taught to the other giraffes the great martial arts of Suckitoomee. This enraged these giraffes to attacking all other animals in Australia.

After running across the water to Australia, these great and powerful animals attacked the platypus, the now extinct snakesnail, and the great kangaroo. They used Suckitoomee to devour these animals and ate all of the native Aboriginals. Nowadays the Great and Almighty Flairhair is legendary among African giraffes.

The Hermit Jaquile (jA-kwEEl)

Jaquile was the first African giraffe ever to attack an area populated by humans. After having his 34 sons run down and eaten by a very fat Italian man, Jaquile sought out the nearest village and proceeded to capture all of the inhabitants' children. He then forced the parents to watch as first he devoured the younglings' legs and then their skin.

Jaquile left them alive for as long as possible, and the horrors only stopped once Jaquile had silenced the final child and continued to murder the rest of the inhabitants of the village. After his victory, Jaquile ran throughout Africa in a state of rage declaring to all that the Final War of the African Giraffes had begun. He mustered a great army and lead the Giraffes on their first ethnic cleansing of Europe, at the end of which he would conquer Italy, Spain, and Portugal. Also Crete.

Jaquile became immortal and lived on top of a very large rock on the geographical centre of Africa. His reign as King of the African Giraffes ended suddenly in 894 when he died during a massive bowel movement. Hundreds were killed and the concluding explosion could be heard through most of Europe. Also Crete.

Note: From this tale developed the popular giraffe threat "DO YOU WANT ME TO GO ALL JAQUILE ON YOUR FACE, BITCH!?!".

See Also


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