You know, a lot of people often ask me "Dalek, how do computers work?"

It's really not a complicated process, not at all.

There are two main parts inside the computer:

The Motherboard:

The motherboard is like the central nervous system for the computer. Data travels along it, much like data travels along the nerves in your body. On the motherboard are various different slots, PCI slots, an AGP slot, and slots for RAM to name a few. There is also a place for the CPU, or Central Processing Unit.

The Monkey:

The monkey is the core of the computer. This small breed of monkey, normally 1/10th of a millimeter tall, does all the hard work inside the computer. The CPU gives orders to the monkey, and he constantly runs along the chips and and along circuit board punching numbers.

Computer Monkey F.A.Q. (Frequently Asked Questions)

What is the monkey's name?

Computer monkeys don't have real names, however they are identified by several different marks. Their first mark being their branding, found on their hind leg. This branding displays the logo of the company they were raised by. Their second mark is their serial number, imprinted on their forehead. Monkeys also have other pet names, Celron, Athlon, Pentium 3, etc. Another way to identify a monkey is by how fast it can work. This speed is measured in megahertz, and now days even gigahertz (MHz and GHz) Most of the time however, a computer monkey is called by it's brand name, such as Intel Pentium 3. Hence the slogan "Intel Inside."

How does an Intel monkey differ from an AMD monkey?

Intel and AMD are two companies that raise computer monkeys. Some say that the environment that an AMD monkey is raised in is better, and AMD monkeys perform better. Others say Intel monkeys are smarter and faster then AMD monkeys. In the end, it all comes down to price.

Is that why computers are so expensive, because I'm buying a live animal?

Yes, that is exactly why.

I've never seen my computer monkey, is he real?

Yes, your computer monkey is real. He is too small to be seen with the naked eye, and high tech magnifying equipment has been unable to find the computer monkey, but rest assured, he is in there.

I've heard electrostatic is harmful to computers, does this have anything to do with the monkey?

The monkey is exposed to minor shocks from the computer on a regular basis, however static electrically is very harmful to your computer monkey. The static electricity knocks his logic out of line, making him go berserk, sending random bits of data flying everywhere. In some extreme cases, the monkey has been known to die from the shock, then the computer will cease to function.

Isn't it inhumane to hold a monkey captive, and force him to work for me?

Your computer monkey loves working for you, it is not by any means slavery. The working conditions inside the computer are great, and there is nothing inhumane about it all. There is no reason what so ever to worry about your computer monkey.

What if my computer monkey escapes?

Being so small, you wouldn't notice him even if he did manage to get away. If he tries, he usually tries to go through the cooling fan, and gets whacked unconscious and gets back in line, or he dies. It's sad, really. But if he somehow manages to find a safe way out, he normally gets lost and eventually stepped on by a person, or a family pet. Sometimes he'll be attacked and killed by ants, or other small pests.

Does my operating system effect my monkey?

Your monkey has no personal preference to operating systems. He likes the view out the window, sometimes he gets into a fight with the giant penguin, they look so adorable in their little red hats, but overall monkeys enjoy eating apples.

Can I upgrade my computer monkey?

You can update your CPU, and with the new CPU comes a new computer monkey. The old monkey goes with the CPU, hopefully on to find a new home with a new user. Sadly however, many computer monkeys aren't adopted, sadly the abandoned monkey is then taken captive by slave traders, and sold on the market, where he will probably end up as filler ingredients in glue, or in dog food.

What should I feed my computer monkey?

You don't need to worry about feeding your monkey. Part of the cost of the computer goes toward buying a small supply of food for the monkey, as well as a food regenerator. This is why the computer must be plugged in, in order to feed your computer monkey and keep him alive.

I've heard the term 'crash' used a lot, does that have anything to do with my computer monkey?

Sometimes your computer monkey may mess up, after all, he isn't perfect. This usually causes an error in the computer, and results in the crash. Sometimes, maybe you've done something to upset the monkey, and this is his way of venting anger and frustration with you. The only other explanation for a crash is this, sometimes the monkey gets his hands on some alcohol. He gets pretty drunk, and causes all sorts of problems, eventually passing out, resulting in a crash.

What's a bug?

A small lice, tick, or other pest that inhabits the monkey. These bugs bite and annoy the monkey, and when he's being bitten, he can't do his job right. Some patches are available to help rid the monkey of bugs, but unfortunately not all bugs can or will be removed from your computer monkey.

Can my computer monkey catch diseases?

Sometimes, something you have download hasn't been washed properly, and are crawling with disease and viruses. When your monkey handles these programs, he gets dirty and infected, and becomes sick. Some of these viruses can harm your monkey, wiping his memory clean, other viruses are not as harmful, just making your monkey see things like odd messages. Most viruses can be cured however, with a good monkey scan.

What happens when I turn off my computer?

When you shut down your system, your monkey goes into hibernation mode, taking a nap and waiting for you to turn on the system so he can work for you again.

If you have any more questions about your computer monkey, mail them to me.

With thks to angledust.....