Friday, 28 September 2007

I'm Learning Not To Worry

What a wonderful article I just read about worrying, and it sums up many things I have written in my journal in the past 2 months about what I have learned about worrying. I've been learning a lot in the past few months. The article is written by I. Davey Crocket III, so please include his name if you pass it on.

What, Me Worry?
-J. Davey Crocket III
We may laugh when we think of the old MAD Magazine character Alfred E. Newman, whit his famous line: "What, me worry?" And we do all worry, though some of us worry more than others. Worry uses up our mental energy, our time and our resources, yet it produces nothing, and does not give us joy or peace of mind. As the old proverb says, "Worry is like a rocking chair; it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere."
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines "worry" as "mental distress or agitation resulting from concern, usually for something impending or anticipated." It seems that anticipating problems, real or imagined, brings trouble and anxiety to most folks' minds.
Most of us realizes that worry is counterproductive, though we do it anyway. But what does it do for us? The late motivational speaker Earl Nightingale wrote, Many years ago: "Worry is like a dense fog that can cloud our vision, knock our perspective out of kilter, and slow us down." Nightingale categorized our common worries as follows:
Things that never happen 40 %
Things in the past 30%
Needless worry about health 12%
Petty, miscellaneous worries 10%
In other words, according to Nightingale, "92 % of worries are pure fog with no substance at all." That leave 8% of our worries as legitimate matters worthy of our concern. You might arrange the numbers a bit differently than Nightingale did, but his point is a good one.
What does your Bible say about worry? Its most famous instruction is found in these words of Jesus Christ: "Therefore do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or "What shall we wear?' For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (Matthew 6:31-34).
Those who love God are not called to be apathetic; they are to have care for one another ( 1 Corinthians 12:25). And when there are serious concerns--Nightingale's 8 percent--we need to act on those concerns. But when we act we should take comfort in knowing that God will see to our needs if we follow His guidance. As the Apostle Paul wrote, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." (Phillippians 4:6-7). Paul understood that to worry is to doubt God's ability to help.
Israel's King David also understood this when he admonished, "Fret not yourself" (Psalm 37:1). If you find you are prone to worry, take your cares and anxieties to God in prayer. In doing so, you can gain the real peace of mind that comes only from Him.
A wise grandmother once put it this way: "There is no sense in making mountains out of mole hills; all it does is exhaust the mole!" If you build a close relationship with God, you will gain the understanding that will give you transcendent peace. "


Wednesday, 26 September 2007

Looking for the Dawn after the Darkness

There is a local church that has been calling me weekly to pray for me, and what's interesting, is the prayers seem very powerful, and shockingly, something very personal and unusual is mentioned in every prayer, that no one else knows about me. Yesterday a lady called to ask if she could pray for me, and I told her what was going on in a summarized version. She asked about home care, I told her what I wrote below about home care. She asked about meals on wheels. I told her its about $14 a day. She thought it was free. She told me she used to work for the medical system, and that there IS a corrupt way of treating people in Canada. Those who get the fastest, best, most expensive care, are those who are rich and who can afford the few private hospitals and clinics that are a very rare and new occurrence in Canada. Second level of care is still excellent care but a bit slower, those who have insurance from their employer and are working. Third level, not as fast care and not quite as expensive, are those who have Alberta health care only but still are employed. The 4th level of care of care are those who are elderly or on disability, and the last level is called "Tagged" which my mom is on, where they have spent 1 million dollars of care for the person over a lifetime, and/or they are elderly. Mom is elderly, and her Dr. who has also been her friend since childhood has told her she is tagged. They just offer the minimal of comfort care if the person goes to the emergency room, and never admit them for care, and often consider "Do not resuscitate", and for sure do not consider expensive tests and treatments and surgeries. At this point, care becomes dangerous. They will give drugs she is allergic to, and will fight with her when she tells them she is. They will negect her if she doesn't have someone with her.
OK back to this phone call yesterday. This lady told me she had worked for the medical system, and there are different levels, and after I told her the tests I had and the symptoms I had and the forecast I was given, I told her that today I have an appointment to get the results of the latest tests. She said she thought it was only fair to warn me that I will probably not be told exactly what is wrong, because if they tell me what is wrong, they will be obligated to treat me. This is why I did not even get a Dr. to listen to my chest for 10 years or do a physical on me, because if they find something, they have to treat it, so they bypass that by not testing. I go to the Dr. every 2 or 3 months, and never got even blood pressure or chest listened to until this year when I changed doctors to one in another town. I was getting weaker and weaker and kept praying studying hoping for a way to get feeling better so I could take care of my family and my husband, and finally when I couldn't walk 10 steps without my heart rate going to 120+, I took my mom into the office with me. This was the first time a Dr. took me seriously and referred me to a specialist. The visit before that, the Dr. kept trying to tell me that what was bothering me was a hiatal hernia, not my heart. Then when mom came in the office with me, he suddenly took me seriously and the testing started.
So after that phone call yesterday, the depression set it horribly. I realized that I would not hear the truth at the appointment today, and I would not get any treatment, and there are hundreds of people praying for me in different religions, praying HARD, doing whatever little ceremonies their belief system condones, energetic healing, I am doing 2 types of homeopathic treatments now, meant to heal everything in my body, and all my meds are natural, but yesterday it hit me that after all that, it was probably not God's will that I get well, or I would have been healed by now. So now I am trying to learn everything possible about bringing into my life those things that I want, attracting good energy and abundance, learning positive thinking and joy, doing and learning everything I can to get well, but that is not bringing forth any changes yet either.
They say its always darkest before the dawn, and I have found that in my life too, when its darkest and unbearable, if I hang on for just a little while longer, God will send me something inspirational to read or learn or an encouraging friend, etc.
I went to the Dr. today, and the person who called yesterday was right. He even denied all the bad things he said in the past! Now I am completely healthy! He said it might be due to lupus, but he couldn't help me. So a few weeks ago I had a year to live if I didn't get treatment, my blood oxygen was 86% instead of 100% and I had arrhythmias that could make me drop dead any minute. There IS treatment for that. They use pacemakers and defibrillators. I asked him why does my heart rate go to 120+ when I walk 10 steps? Why can't I walk without a walker, why does the oxygen help, could it be a blood problem? He gave me the name of a lupus specialist in town and said that was all he could do for me. The appointment was about 3 minutes. The lupus Dr. will have the same set of rules fro,m Canadian health care. I can't bear more abuse and tests and insults and corruption. I already now they can't do anything more for me and that I can't lean on the arm of men. The person I talked to yesterday was right. I was not told what was wrong or offered a treatment. When my Dad got water in his lungs last week, he was given the water pills and heart meds to take care of that. When I got water in my lungs a month or so ago, I was not offered anything, as if they were hoping I would die. I came home and slept with the head of my bed raised, barely able to breathe or talk. It took a lot longer to go away than Dad's did. I am glad Dad's problem passed, instead of HIM passing.
Then after the Dr. visit, I got a letter from immigration needing papers from my husband so fast that I don't think it will be possible to get that paperwork to the court in time. If we don't, that means him and I are through. Part of me wants to delay it so I don't have to make him suffer by coming to live with me, and I feel too sick to live with anyone and be married to anyone, so I don't know whether to give up on all the work and money and emotional turmoil we have suffered all these years and just drop immigration, or if I should see it through to the end and be miserable with him being miserable with me. I don't want anyone's life to be difficult due to me, and for sure it will be MORE than difficult with us. The helpless trying to help the helpless. Love does not cure all. We don't even have enough money to get him here. Part of me says "NEVER GIVE UP!" the other half of me says "I don't see how I will even get through one day with him since I can't help him adjust to a new culture and feed him 3 times a day. I will probably do my best and then trust God for whatever happens in the end.
As for "the dawn coming after the darkness", in the mail today, a book came that is considered 1 of the 10 best books ever written, "Man's search for meaning" by Viktor Frankl. He survived the Jewish concentration camps, and found meaning then, and likens illness to being in a prison. So again, with perfect timing, the dawn came after the darkest night, and I am hoping that book will help me create the whole new, different life I have been trying to create. I have many books to read about changing my life but have had too much nausea to read and very poor retention of what I read. Oh my loving, precious Heavenly Father, it seems you want me to stay sick, and that it will be 100 times harder if I have to take care of a helpless husband when I can't even do the things I need to do for myself. I'm overwhelmed, lost, damned if I do get hubby here, damned if I don't. Please change me, change my way of thinking, my spirit and body. Give me the strength I need to take care of my family. I want to help people in this world. I want to be a light and encourager. I want to be part of my children's and grandchildren's lives. I want to travel. I don't know if you plan for me to live or die, but PLEASE constantly tell me what I should do and give me the strength to do it. I pray this in the name of your gracious son, Jesus Christ, Amen.
Thinking on the brighter side...this depression has overwhelmed me because I can't get out, can't go to a store or to a park or even get enough to eat, which messes up body chemistry. Maybe with my hubby here, I could be distracted from the illness and experience some joy. Trust in the Lord WITH ALL THINE HEART and lean not onto your own understanding!!!"

Monday, 24 September 2007

I think I was poisoned.

I have heard "the cure is often worse than the disease" but I didn't expect the tests to be harder than the disease. When a person has to go through so many tests for so many days in a row, and are so sick they can barely get up and get dressed, I wish they would keep the person in the hospital. I guess they are cutting down hospital stays because of the vast amount in bacterial infections people are getting. In the USA its because of money, but in Canada I think its due to the germs. Anyway, the chemicals they gave me for the nuclear testing of my heart and lungs made me so sick. After the heart testing I went to the E.R., but after the lung testing, I could not bear to sit in a waiting room for 3 hours then in a bed being ignored for 5 hours, so I went home and took more pain medicine than I have ever had in my life, and still could not even lift a leg or roll over for more than 24 hours. The nurse said I would have no side effects from the radioactive agent I inhaled and that was injected...so I expected nothing...but it was only 2 hours before I was in unbearable pain, and I am glad I was able to get home and get out of the car before I collapsed. I am still so sick today, 4 days later, that I have only had a piece of fruit each day brought to me by my mom because I can't get up to make anything more. I will see on Wednesday what the results are, but I am sure it is not my lungs. I need to know why my heart rate goes to 150 after 10 steps, and too weak to even get paperwork done the way I could 4 months ago. Some days I want to get well and move to a third country to be with my husband until he gets his Canadian visa, and other days I pray to die because I can't bear to even have company and visit and take care of a husband in that kind of pain. Trying to practice positive thinking, but still it would be easier if I had a friend or companion to help remind me of positive things. In this much pain you don't think much of positive things. In fact I didn't think much except "ouch God please help" over and over and over. Oh well, one hour at a time, and LOTS of prayer. Lost my best (and only) friend locally because I can't keep up even phone conversations and visits and doing things with her.
Oh God help. How do people do this alone?

Christmas Preparation

Hi all
   Just a few hints for Christmas prep. I have got most of my gifts already because they raise the prices of everything around Christmas, so I buy things throughout the year. I can't go shopping so I buy online or send a delivery service to pick up some things, and its still cheaper with the price of the delivery if the item is on sale enough.
   I have to start wrapping gifts in October. I just can't sit and wrap for more than 5 minutes at a time so I start early. I also read a book called "Unplug the Christmas machine" which changed my life and showed me how easy and simple and happy and unrushed and unstressed Christmas can be, that if I cut out the things that don't bring me joy, the things that overwhelm me, or find another way to deal with them or delegate them out. Wow, what high expectations I was forcing myself to live up to each year, and ending up in the hospital every year too. I "had" to do the baking for neighbors and the cards and decorating and make the Christmas day meal and MAKE most of my gifts, and go to parties and the list was endless. I finally learned that the way to an easy, easy work, stress free Christmas is to start early and demand less from myself. My family became much happier at Christmas because I was not so grouchy and weepy and overwhelmed from all of it. I know its early to start talking about Christmas, but I hoped to help some others this year by mentioning the book. Our Thanksgiving is Oct. 10 in Canada, or somewhere around there. The Christmas catalog came out before the kids even went back to school. Years ago it started coming out earlier and earlier and I kidded that soon it would come out in July, AND IT DID!!! This is a sign of a recession, that the prices have gone up much faster than the paychecks, so we have to use more paychecks to prepare for Christmas. Also we got our first snow this week (only lasted one day) but made me start thinking of Christmas preparations. In our case, it is very hard to even want to decorate or have Christmas now that Dad is dying (may be gone by then) . Well,make Christmas easier for yourselves this year and enjoy it more.

Friday, 21 September 2007

No blocked arteries. WOOHOO! I spent all day in the hospital doing more tests today. So happy no blocked arteries, but now it means that angioplasty will not be my easy solution. Maybe a pacemaker or something else will help, I see the doc on Wednesday.
   A crisis and a blessing happening...my dad was in the ER all night, night before last, mom and I were with him. It was mom's birthday. His lungs are filling with water from heart failure, so they put him on lasix and oxygen and sent him back to the nursing home. I was trying not to cry all day through my tests, wanting to be with my dad to comfort him, I don't want him to die alone, or be scared and in pain. I got home from my day of tests and was not even able to sit up or roll over, again thank heaven for my wireless keyboard and mouse on my bed. My brother goes there 4 hours a day, and mom goes in the evenings, so I wanted to be there the other hours, but when my brother got home, he said Dad had been sleeping the whole time...so it was a blessing that he was not scared or in pain or needing comforting, so that eased my frustration of not being with him. I will still try to be with him as much as possible but that's not much in the condition I am in. I don't want him to die alone...and it hurts me to think of it , more than thinking of myself dying alone. 

Tuesday, 18 September 2007

Me & my "blonde airhead refill machine" (oxygen)

This illness seems to be moving quite quickly. Last month when I was told about what I have, I wasn't ready for home care because I could still shower and dress myself daily, but now I can't...but just spreading it out to every few days because home health care doesn't help me wash clothes that I need to wear, or help me get something to eat, and don't really do anything to help me shower except nag me until I do it. lol. Still on my "blonde airhead refill machine" (oxygen) but not as often. I might have to start sending people to my blog because I am getting to weak to remember who I told how much to. Stress makes me worse, and I have had appointments 2-3 times a day for Dr., mom's Dr., dentist, tests, etc. as well as worrying about my husband. His city is now in the national news daily for being attacked by the Taliban and Al-queda, and everyone there is in a panic and can't even get the necessary work done. This is causing more delays for immigration. I'm very scared that we won't be together in this life, but if I really am going to die, and if his city continues to be so violent, we may be meeting in the spirit world soon enough. I feel his pain, as if I am in the middle of a war zone, my nerves are frayed, as if I am in the middle of bombing and shooting constantly. Just empathy I guess. Every wife and mother who has a man in the military is feeling this.
Maybe it's only that I am still sick from the effects of that test. I am eager to start exercising to get stronger, but when I do the slightest thing, my heart rate goes past 200, dangerously high, and I get fast heartrate and low blood pressure, which causes shock,which can kill. Tomorrow I find out the results of the test and if anything can be done or not. I can only stay awake about 8 hours a day, and the heart problem causes nausea, dizziness, sweating, weakness the rest of the time. I can't even read the many books I got to comfort and teach myself. So sad for my lonely, confused, sad Dad with Alzheimer's and brother with severe depression and a tremor disorder and my mom whom I am supposed to be cooking for but can't, so I feel guilty and useless. I want to sell all that I have to hire help or go get treatment but I don't have the strength to do that either. FRUSTIPATING! Alone and can't do much and no help to do it. I hear of other churches who are so good to their sick members and I pray for my church's hearts to be softened. I haven't even had strength to make funeral plans or living plans, between doing the most urgent jobs for the day and the weakness, not much gets done. Mom is able to visit Dad daily, but I have only been able to go weekly.
I DO COUNT MY BLESSINGS and thank God for them. I know things could be so much worse. I don't complain to many people in person, or they would stop wanting to hear from me, so this is my only place to express my negativity, so sorry if I sound like I am only complaining on this blog. I am very blessed, despite the pain and weakness and poverty.
I want to ask God something about severe cancer and other terminal illnesses. If He is going to take them anyway, why make them suffer so much for so long first? I am hearing a lot of horrendous stories from terminally ill patients.

Friday, 14 September 2007

After The Big Heart Test

After The Big Heart Test

Hi wonderful group!
     You have such big hearts. Thanks for being so thoughtful. Thanks for your prayers and notes. During the 8 hour heart Cardiolite test, I had a bad reaction to the chemicals and they had to give me the more than usual antidote to avoid a heart attack, I ended up in the E.R. most of the night from it in unbelievable pain, because the medicine dilates arteries, so caused nausea, headache, really fast heart rate, muscle pains, and the headache caused an attack of my trigeminal neuralgia (one of the most painful conditions on earth). Its also called the suicide disease because people have killed themselves during an attack but they don't know if its because they were out of their head in pain and didn't know what they were doing, or if it was a conscious decision. They actually called it a POISON and made me stand up and keep moving to "circulate the POISON", then when my heart rate got dangerously high, then gave me the antidote to the POISON.  ( I got more than 1, unlike the other people.) It did feel like I had been poisoned, too.  I'm radioactive now! HA! I was hoping I could turn off the lights and glow, and light up someone's life, but it doesn't work like that. lol.  They called it nuclear medicine, which is kind of cool. I think its awesome that now we can diagnose and treat with lights (laser, ultraviolet and amber and infrared), with magnets, (MRI) with sound (ultrasound). If the medical world keeps find treatments with lights, electricity, sound, and especially ENERGY then the cutting and poisoning with prescriptions will seem like something from a barbaric past. There were 8 of us doing the all day test thing so we all got quite close! They are the first people I met and got to know  here since moving here 10 years ago cuz I don't get out much. It was like a party with a bunch of people with IVs. lol.  I get the results of the test on Wednesday but the test might have been corrupted due to the bad reaction, so they might make me do it again. groooaann. Oh well, one day at  a time, 1 hour at a time. Those people all had similar stories to mine about Canada's long waiting times. One lady had throat cancer, and it took them so long to get her the test that she developed tumors in her heart in the meantime. People are dying because of waiting lists! What a waste of lives!  My hubby called me on my cell while I was in the E.R. I've only seen him cry when family members die, but he was so upset that I was alone and suffering. I really hate being the cause of someone feeling bad or suffering!!  I said maybe it was a mistake that I let anyone fall in love with me if it was going to make them suffer. He has such a good attitude. He reminded me that there will always be suffering here, because we are not in heaven; and suffering because of love is better than suffering for any other reason, and that he'd rather love me and go through the sadness, than be alone and feel nothing. What a great husband.
   Had to get up early to drive my mom out of town to her Dr. appointment, so I was happy to get home to bed. I'll have to take some strong pain meds again, I hurt enough to go back to the E.R. but hate going alone. You get treated LAST if you are alone.
Thanks for caring. I know so many people were praying, so I can't even imagine how much worse it would have been without those prayers. The doc said people sometimes DID have heart attacks during that test, so maybe the prayers saved me from that.
     I sure get some funny looks from people who see a young healthy looking woman wearing oxygen. I just smile, or if they are so stunned they can't think about what I am telling them, like a sales person at the convenience store, I just tell her that I am an airhead and the oxygen is my refill. After they laugh, then we can do business. I'll reply to your individual emails when I feel a bit better.
Hugs and thanks!  I get the results on Wednesday.

Wednesday, 12 September 2007

Bad stress day---still jealous of cancer!

In response to the letter below asking for prayer, a friend wrote:

"Dear BB,I don't know how yet, but tonight's and tomorrow'sprayers will be longer, stronger and more fervent thanany before. Bless you, my friend.Love, CD "

I replied:

"Thanks CD
Words can't express my appreciation. I'm so worn out. I got called for instructions for prepping for the test, and it was a nightmare. The nurses started fighting with me about what the Dr. had written down that I could take my morphine before the test, (he said I could, the nurses said I couldn't take it for 24 hours before the test.) I disagreed because if you go off, it would really mess up your heartbeat due to pain and withdrawal. The stupid nurse (just a receptionist I'm sure) accused me of taking street drugs, because "morphine is only given to cancer patients", and then hung up on me, then another one called me and told me I couldn't take my nitroglycerine for chest pain either, so I asked if I should go to the E.R. if I have heart pain or what, and she said "They won't treat you in the E.R,. if you have that test tomorrow! You can't have any drugs in your system.!" I said "You mean if I were having a heart attack, they would rather let me die than give me medicine because I'm having a test tomorrow? Wouldn't it be better to reschedule the test than to not treat a heart attack?" She hung up on me. Nurse (receptionist #3) calls... She asks why I can't go off my morphine. I tell her I can't even sit up or roll over without it, so I couldn't get in to take the test. She said "Well that's YOUR choice if you don't want the test, and it WAS your choice to start taking drugs!" I told her its a prescription, not street drugs and said "no, you don't understand. I need the test but I also need to be able to get to the hospital to have the test." She said well I guess you should 'jusscontinue' the nitro". I didn't quite catch what she said. I said "sorry, did you say I should "just" continue the nitro, or discontinue the nitro?" she said I'll have the Dr. call you about this, Sheila! You are obviously having problems that we can't deal with, and as for your fibro, there is no such disease. Its a neurotic's disease." She hung up. Then the Dr. called me and said that the nurses were wrong, that the original instructions he gave me are right, that he will give them a strict talking to about them not understanding that many people take morphine that don't have cancer, and yes, Fibromyalgia is a real and disabling disease." I was crying by then, because ONCE AGAIN, I was being accused of using drugs, seeking drugs, and for lying about my pain, and again got called a neurotic because fibro USED to be considered a neurotic disease. Now there is PROOF that its real.

PLEASE don't be offended by this, CD...or anyone who has dealt with cancer, but right now I am jealous that all terminal illnesses are not treated like people with cancer are treated. I can't get 1/100th of the resources available for cancer patients, they do not get insulted for using strong pain meds, they do not get their pain denied, their friends do not desert them, they get help coming out of every corner and every agency in the community, and they know it will end! Either they will pass away from it, or they will be cured. I don't have that guarantee. I could live a total of 50 years in unbearable pain, with no support from society and no physical help. Lost my husband and children due to this...the social part of this is harder than the physical part. I need a support system. You are all great, and the best support system I have, but I am so T-I-R-E-D and can't even defend myself, and shouldn't have to when I can barely even breathe and I'm on oxygen. In the local hospital you almost always need someone with you to be your advocate, and I was looking forward to my husband coming, for 1 reason, to be my advocate when I need it.
Ok I apologize. That's enough of that. I'll write when I feel more "Pollyanna-ish".
Thanks again CD for the prayers and support, SO much. I am hoping the test tomorrow is the beginning of a better life.

Please Pray about 8 Hour Heart Test Tomorrow
I have a request. Tomorrow I undergo an 8 hour heart test to determine if there is any treatment for my heart. Would you please say a quick prayer for me that they WILL be able to treat my heart so I can start a new life with my new husband instead of never get to be with him? If my heart can't be treated, they won't let him immigrate, because I have to prove that I can take care of him for 10 years because I sponsored him. Its a stupid request, because he can take care of himself, and he will be taking care of himself and me when and if he gets here, but that's the law. If there is no treatment, I will be mourning my marriage and husband, which  may make my end come sooner, according to my doc. He believes the stress I've had for the past 4 years and being denied being with my husband (lovesickness) caused lupus to create the heart problem. He says he has seen it a hundred times, partners die after the first spouse dies, and others who get heart damage when their relationship is broken up or one passes away. But also please pray "Whatever is His will" because I don't want to ask for anything that isn't meant to be.
Thank you so much! I always can feel it when others pray for me.
Blessings to you in return,

Tuesday, 11 September 2007

Runnning out of fuel

I think I used up the whole bottle of courage that God sent me to earth with. I think the bottle can be refilled when there are supportive people in your life, but I don't have that. I do get uplifting little emails when I need it, but that isn't the same as having a person to encourage you and help you with living. Starting to wonder if I do want to live if nothing will change. Its 3 in the morning, so I will write more another day about me being ANGRY AT CANCER! Not in the way you think, I AM JEALOUS OF CANCER! It seems 10 times a day I see resources, fund raisers, books, makeovers, last wish granters, songs, poems, power point presentations about Cancer, jewelry for cancer survivors, everyone applauding those who have cancer or are dying from it...but I can't even get .0001 % of that support. In home care, counseling, online or phone or pen pal buddies to help encourage you, services for family members of cancer victims, memorial services, walks to raise money, cute little ribbons to commemorate cancer, in home care, pain care, massage, comfort spa care, Cancer is NOT the only disease people die of , but from the media blitz, you would sure think so! If this was cancer, at least I would know it would end soon. Either I would be cured or dead, but with lupus and this heart problem, I could be bedridden and alone for 40 more years. If you are dying of anything else, you die alone. Should I push to get hubby here sooner? Should I push to get treatment sooner and save my life? Or should I just let nature take its course? Dad's Alzheimer's is so much worse. It just drains us all to see him disappear slowly like this. i keep praying for miracles for my brother's life to be made better. he has one cursed hardship after another and is talking suicide. I have 2 online friends who suck me dry emotionally. One good friend tried to teach me how to protect myself, protect my energy from being drained, but I don't know how. I have something going on almost every day for the next week or so, all medical or dental related, when I'm not even sure if its worth the effort and expense if I won't be here next year. I thought about what happens after the results of my heart test this week. If I can't be helped, I would consider going into a medical apartment.I would not be able to be with my husband anyway, because I have to prove in court that I can take care of him for 10 years because I am sponsoring him. If I can't get well, I can't prove that, and I'm too sick to move to another country.In a medical apartment I can come and go as I want but the medical care is there, apartment cleaning is there and meals are there, but that would leave my mom in a terrible rut, because she refuses to go into assisted living. There is something about world war 2 generation that is so strong, so persevering. I wish I had some of it. If God knows what I need, I wish he would supply it soon, because I am running out of strength to fight.

Sunday, 9 September 2007

Twelve Rules for Being Human

1. You will receive a body.
You may like it or hate it, but
it will be yours the entire period.

2. You will learn lessons.
You are enrolled in a
full-time informal school
called Life. Each day in this
school you will have the
opportunity to learn lessons.
You may like the lessons or think
.them irrelevant and stupid

3. There are no mistakes, only
Growth is a process of trial and error:
experimentation. The
"failed" experiments
are as much a part of the
process as the experiments
that ultimately "work."

4. A lesson is repeated until
A lesson will be presented to you
in various forms until you have
learned it. When you have learned it,
you can then go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end.
There is no part of life that does not
contain its lessons. If you are alive,
there are lessons to be learned.

6. "There" is no better than

When your "there" has become a "here,"
you will simply obtain another "there"
that will again look better than "here."

7. Others are merely mirrors of you.
You cannot love or hate something about
another person unless it reflects something
you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up
to you.
You have all the tools and resources
you need. What you do with them is up
to you. The choice is yours.

9. Life is exactly what you think
it is
You create a life that matches your
beliefs and expectations.

10. Your answers lie inside you.
The answers to life's questions lie
inside you. All you need to do is look,
listen, and trust.

11. You will forget all this.

12. Your creator is only a thought
away, should you require information
or assistance. Nothing you do can
make your creator abandon you.

Wednesday, 5 September 2007

Is this oxygen making me an airhead? Or maybe I was a blonde

airhead and oxygen is just my refill. HAHAHA.

(the following is from a letter to a friend) "*" Is the start of a new paragraph, since often I see that my posts have all run togetherm with no new line changes.

Hi Sis.
I am sorry about your numbness in your legs. If its in both legs then its not a blood clot. It could be the lupus causing inflammation in the spinal cord so you get symptoms similar to MS (multiple sclerosis), and it can be a chiropractic problem like a nerve being compressed in your back. I think a chiropractor is your best bet first, then a Dr., if 2 or 3 treatments don't show a difference. Maybe the chiropractor could do one every other day for a couple of days. With the stress of the move, your lupus is bound to flare up somewhere so there's a great chance of it being inflammation. .
*Tell me again how long you've had lupus. It sure is scary when your body betrays you and you don't know if its something to fear or not. My lupus jumps around so much that I know almost every symptom it causes in almost every part of the problem.
* I don't have the strength to read all my email. I get about 200 a day, and so it builds up until I have to delete everything but just the personal emails to me.
*Well that's a huge move you've made! What made you decide to do that? Does your husband have a job there? I've forgotten if you've told me about kids or not. Forgive my fibrofog/painfog/airhead syndrome.
No closer to being with hubby but very much harder to be apart when I need some love and comfort and companionship, but it would be worse to have him here and not be able to help him in any way. I'm just praying the heart test in a few weeks shows that something can be done, because if nothing can be done, I doubt if immigration will let him in at all. I have to "appear" well at court, because they want to know if I can take care of him for 10 years, with no risk of him becoming a burden on society, so I'm sure the Lord is delaying the court case until I CAN appear well and without oxygen.

Tuesday, 4 September 2007

Thanking God

Just wanted to share my joy that I am having a good day where I did about 5 days worth of work! Yeah I might pay for it later, but at least to have a day like this gives me hope that more days like this could come! I had to carry my oxygen tank along with boxes and grocery bags through a grocery store, (yeah I'm superwoman today. lol) wasn't using my walker cuz my arms  were full, but the oxygen helped tons! If any of you have fibro also have an "oxygen bar" in your city, please go try it. I am surprised how it has eased the muscle pain, as though one of the problems is that our cells don't get enough oxygen or anything else. Thanking God for reminding me what a good day is like!

Sunday, 2 September 2007

Filling in the blanks ABOUT ME

I'm really struggling, wondering if I can save myself on my own, or if I would have a better chance of surviving if I had friends who would visit, or my companion here, but now that I have written it out, I realize that is wasting my energy to worry about, because I can't bring my companion to me or the friends. Its all in the hands of God's will, so I WILL be doing this on my own, whether I like it or not, and if I can't be strong enough to save myself, (even if I try until I bleed from every pore) then I can't, and that is God's will also. And if I CAN survive alone all this pain and the emotions and overwhelming feelings that a person goes through at the end of their life, then I will thank God for all the assistance that He gave me to do that. I think I would feel worse with someone else here, because I would be thinking that I am making them suffer also, so maybe God knows that would be more of a burden to me, to know that I am making someone else suffer, so that's why I am doing it alone. I never experienced loneliness in the 10 years I have been alone in this bedroom. I had my computer friends and savored my solitude, after being in a family (ex husband's) where I was forced to help with 5 day long family parties, where family from all over many states would show up and stay at the house and play games and eat and visit and sleep all in different shifts, and I had to stay and be the other hostess no matter how sick I was, and I did it until I never wanted to entertain again. Ok, so it helps to write down your thoughts...good thing to learn. So this is really hard, especially at night, and especially when I can't even get myself a drink, because dehydration makes your body and brain start to shut down, so I need to find a way to make it easier.
Someone who just wrote pointed out that I haven't supplied you with enough information to put the puzzle pieces together. Let me fill that in for you. I live in Canada, and married a man from Swat in the Himalayan mountains. Its also where both 'Lost Horizon" movies were shot, and is the 'Shangri-La' the Asians speak of. Its where Buddha was born. We have been running a business online for 2 years of translating and proofreading to earn money for immigration. I have been with him for 4-8 hours a day on webcam for 4+ years and I know about 10 other people in his town that all know and respect him. I met him through one of these other friends online. I am in the end stages of lupus, with heart failure and a few weeks ago was told that if I didn't get some treatment soon, I would be too sick for any kind of treatment. The Dr. told me I might have to wait 6-12 months for testing and treatment. I lived in the USA for 20 years, and there I would be treated within 24 hours. There have been an eerie amount of delays with the immigration, but those seem inspired, because I cannot take care of him and help him adapt to this society when I can't even get myself a sandwich. I can't even keep him fed unless I get well, and since the medical world gave up on my lupus years ago, all my treatments except for unbearable pain, are natural. I am also going through Rapid Eye Technique sessions and energetic healing sessions, since the medical system seems to be so lacking with chronic disease. Natural medicine has been here since man first walked the earth. Modern medicine is only 100 years old and is good for many things but has almost destroyed itself with greed. I decided to learn a bit of "The secret", energetic healing, changing the way you think and speak, etc. in hopes that I can start a whole new life. I have a degree in world religions, but my education completely passed over this new enlightened way of thinking, maybe because it can't be classified as a religion. I am Christian, but also have beliefs from every major religion and still enjoy studying them. I have had more than 12 NDEs (Near death experiences), so I am not afraid of dying. In fact, until I started the Rapid Eye Technique, I wanted to die. RET removed that desire and changed it into a desire to start all over and to give to people as much as I possibly can, and to enjoy some things in life. I am bedridden so even going to the park would be enjoying life, I moved to Canada 9 years ago this week but have been too sick to go meet friends. I did meet a few, but was not able to share in the give and take that friendships need to survive, so the friendships didn't survive. I am living with my terminally ill mother (also lupus) and my terminally ill father (just went into a nursing home in March but we cared for him before that) and my terminally ill brother (who got his own apartment and goes to feed dad twice a day). We don't know who will go first. I wish we could all go at once. We are so close, it will be really hard to miss even one of the others...but knowing we will soon all be together is a comfort. It is possible that this threat of me dying is just like all the others, where the Dr. would say "You can't live past 2 more years", then in 2 years I would have a NDE, get sent back to earth, and it would start again, but this time the feeling is completely different. I have enough organ damage now that death is possible.Death itself is easy. Its living alone through this pain and fear and starving that is bugging me. Mom is not well enough to help me. She is living on ensure drinks since I can't cook for us anymore. Just after being told my prognosis, I made it a full time job to find an agency to help my family. I went through them all, no luck. I have had ads up to hire someone for years with no reply. There is a real labor shortage crisis in Canada so they are begging for immigrants to come work here. There is NO REASON my husband should not be allowed in.. There is no security problem or legal problem or anything questionable about him. My husband couldn't bear to see me suffer so much, and loves me so much, he wanted to come here and help my family, but that's not happening either. I guess that's good because it would be awful for him to come here and live with a sick wife, not able to enjoy life or get help to adapt, and then if I died, he's be left in strange country alone. It would be much better if he could come after I could get this heart treatment so I would have a little bit of strength to help him. I feel so bad that I can't be the kind of wife I want to be, the kind he deserves, but I "SERVED" hubby #1 so much that I wore out my body before I was 35, then when I started slowing down, he tossed me out like a used Kleenex. He then married an oriental woman, thinking that was the only way he would get "served" like I served him, but that backfired on him. I am thankful that God got me out of that marriage, because even though I thought I knew what love really was, it was completely different compared to the love I get now, even from 10,000 miles away. If there is such a thing as a twin flame or mirror spirit or soul mate, this man makes me believe there are such things. We are so much in tune with each other, even calling at the same time, saying the same things, knowing what the other is feeling. I want this man despite breaking all the rules of his society and he feels the same. Rules of marrying outside the tribe, color, religion,age group, away from the family, everything. It sounds foolish, and I do fight with my practical side and my desire to be with him, because I know how hard marriage is at the best of times, he doesn't. He's an innocent. Even with the heart condition taken care of, if that would take me back to where I was 4 months ago before the heart problem, then I will only have 4 hours a day of strength, but I still HOPE I can find ways to change that. If I can't, then I feel very sorry for the life my husband will face with a sick, but adoring wife.I am ashamed to complain, because I know things could be worse...but sometimes it really needs to be vocalized that I am struggling and alone and need encouragement, and soon will need a real human local friend or employee to help with living skills. Mom is sick upstairs in her room, I am sick downstairs in my room, and rarely are able to do much for each other. I am SO thankful to be alive in the age of internet so I can reach people even from my bed. People from all over the world. I am a knowledge sponge, so I am learning more from bed than I could if I traveled the world if I were healthy, so this little box is a blessing.

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