How should I handle it when my toddler has a tantrum at someone else's house?

The BabyCentre editorial team

Our panel of health writers.

Tantrums are a basic part of a toddler's emotional repertoire, whether they happen at your home or someone else's. Your child gets upset because he doesn't yet have the vocabulary to express his emotions, which frustrates him. At his age he has a short fuse. If you've said "no" to a request, or he's trying to work on a project, such as a building-block tower, and doesn't feel like his fingers are moving as quickly as he'd like, he just may lose it. He also doesn't understand the concept of waiting for a treat, so if there's a sweetie jar on your parents' table, for example, and you tell him he has to wait until after dinner to have some, he's likely to lose it. (Better to hide the jar before he sees it!)

Try to anticipate his reaction and act accordingly. If you're visiting friends who are serving dinner later than your child is used to, bring a snack and a stuffed toy or book to keep him occupied. When you're at a home where there are older children, put toys that are too advanced for him out of reach so they don't frustrate him, and avoid promising him a treat if he can't have it right now. Don't tell him there'll be ice cream for dessert, for example.

If your toddler has trouble with leaving somewhere when he's having fun (and what toddler doesn't?), give him ample warning that you're going to go. You could say, for example, "I know you hate saying goodbye to Granny and Grandad, but we're going to have to go home after we finish dinner." Remember that toddlers have no concept of time, so telling him you're going to leave in half an hour won't mean much to him. Then give him several other warnings as you get closer to your departure time.

You can't possibly expect to prevent tantrums altogether, though. Toddlers are exploring and learning to communicate and, for the moment, this is one way they let their parents know how they feel. When your child does throw a fit, soothe his frazzled nerves by speaking to him gently and reminding him to "use his words". You may want to ask questions to help him clarify exactly what he's feeling and what he wants. But the best thing to do is just sit near him and wait it out. Of course when your toddler has a screaming fit in front of friends or relatives, it's embarrassing, but you can't do much about it. Try to laugh it off, reminding your witnesses that this is what toddlers do. Even the most mild-mannered of them have tantrums. Then pick your toddler up and move him to another room where he can calm down without feeling that all eyes are on him. In time your child will learn how to behave in social situations and, as he develops his verbal skills, he'll have better ways of communicating his feelings.
Last reviewed: July 2010

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