Cannibalism at Jamestown Is Most Interesting Thing to Happen at Colony Since A.P. U.S. History Trip

A joke: Why did the British colonialists eat the brain of a 14-year-old girl? Answer: because they were hungry. Scientists have “found direct evidence of the human cannibalism that had long been known to have occurred among the desperate population” of the Jamestown colony in Virginia, The New York Times reports. “Cut marks on the skull and skeleton of a 14-year-old girl show her flesh and brain were removed, presumably to be eaten by the starving colonists during the harsh winter of 1609.” Now do you see why it’s funny?

Amazingly, this is only the fifth-most interesting thing to happen at the historic colony during modern times. “Finding evidence of cannibalism” was narrowly beaten out by the following Jamestown events:

  1. On a fifth-grade class trip to Jamestown, Melissa M. hooked up with Chad P. when everyone* was supposed to be eating ham and cheese sandwiches at the picnic tables. (Everyone except Moishe G., who just ate the carrot sticks and yogurt.)

  2. During the A.P. U.S. History visit to Jamestown, Mark F. interrupted a presentation of by a reenactor playing a cobbler to ask why there was an object the shape of an iPhone in his pocket. “I didn’t know pilgrims had iPhones,” he asked, purposely misidentifying the term for Jamestown settlers. History teacher Mr. Eastman told Mark F. to “knock it off” or else he would be forced to sit on the bus for the rest of the afternoon. Mark F. told Mr. Eastman that he preferred to sit on the bus for the rest of the afternoon because “cobblers are bitches.” Mr. Eastman asked Mark F. what he told him about “the B-word” and banished him to the bus. Mark F. was actually miserable sitting alone but pretended to be disappointed when the trip ended and everyone boarded the bus to go home. In turn, Mr. Eastman pretended not to hear Mark F. when he asked if he could “stay on the bus after we got back” because he “loves sitting on the bus so much.”

  3. On the Miller family’s annual drive down to Hilton Head, father and driver Larry Miller stopped in the Jamestown Visitors’ Center parking lot to adjust the bike rack because he couldn’t see out the rearview mirror.

  4. Mr. Eastman was able to secretly swallow a Xanax during his walk back to the tour after escorting Mark F. to the bus.