All babies want to kill their siblings?

Anjana Vaswani | Mumbai Mirror | Apr 17, 2013, 12.00 AM IST
All babies want to kill their siblings? (Thinkstock photos/Getty Images)All babies want to kill their siblings? (Thinkstock photos/Getty Images)
Psychoanalyst Juliet Mitchell says "all babies want to kill their siblings." Mirror gets her to decode sibling rivalry

The Thackeray versus Thackeray drama is often interrupted with little demonstrations of affection that bewilder the masses. Do they love each other, or hate each other? And what about the case of Gujarat CM Narendra Modi and his five siblings? Prahlad, his younger brother went on record saying that Modi did not reply to his letters last September.

According to psychoanalyst and founder-director of the Centre for Gender Studies at University of Cambridge, Juliet Mitchell, love-hate relationships are best exemplified by siblings. Mitchell, who was in Mumbai last week, says that the 'Law of the Mother' is established as kids grow older, which is what prevents violence and turns their feelings to competition. This experience, she points out, is central to a person's psychological development. It stems from a toddler's most primal desire, explains Mitchell. "All babies want to kill their siblings."

We caught up with the expert and asked her to expand on her theory.

How does culture affect this "universal desire" of babies wanting to kill their siblings?
There are cultural variations to this generic facet (of sibling relations). For instance, I did a study on African societies where I found that when a child was brushed aside upon the birth of a sibling, the child not only became extremely irritable, he or she actually developed an acute nutritiondeficiency illness called Kwashiorkor. It's so common that it's actually dubbed, "second child illness." I've written about this in my book (Siblings, Sex and Violence). A toddler feels both, intense love and intense jealousy, and the two emotions are placed, almost as though on either sides of a coin - one can turn into the other with a flip, just as a warm hug can quickly turn into a violent squeeze. As kids get older, the 'Law of the Mother' becomes operational. Kids learn not to fight, and jealousy turns into healthy competition, provided the child has found a vent for the violence that was prohibited.

How does the psyche of a single child differ? And don't you mean, "Law of the Parent" - does the absence of a mother completely change sibling relations?
With this desire to kill their sibling, there's also a parallel feeling of guilt. Only children form substitute lateral relations with their peers, but they may subconsciously believe that they have actually managed to kill their sibling. Else, they'd wonder whether their parents didn't love them enough to have another child. Typically, they compensate by being too good to their friends. This can be healthy unless they become too dependent on their friends, in which case it's important to try to counter this streak, by building up their self-esteem. Almost universally, either the mother, or a mother substitute (aunt, nanny or grandmother) looks after the child. In her study of six war orphans who had lived in concentration camps during World War II, psychoanalyst Anna Freud (daughter of Sigmund Freud, known for her work on child psychology) found that with no opportunities to form attachments with caregivers, these children looked after each other. When each was assigned a separate nurse, they started developing rivalries.

It's not considered proper for girls to fight their brothers. Is repressing that violent streak also unhealthy?

The violent games that boys play establish the difference between what their mother defines as legitimate violence. Society is constructed based on these teachings. So, war games and therefore, war itself is deemed okay. Fighting a brother is not. Girls are not encouraged to participate in war games. Women therefore tend to turn their violence inwards - this turns into depression. As psychoanalysts, we mark illnesses with genders and depression is therefore feminine, just as hysteria is, even though male hysteria is far from uncommon. If you don't give a man attention, he will demand it. The Don Juan character, for example, and his life's constant drama, is nothing but male hysteria.

Does sibling rivalry also manifest differently between twins? What about between step siblings?

When there is an age gap of a few years between siblings, there's enough time for the 'Law of the Mother' to have been internalised by the older child. With twins, it's different as they've never had that time. Very often you'd see that one excels at academics, while the other does well at sports. This is just an attempt by the kids to differentiate themselves from one another. Such differentiation avoids conflict, which is why parents and teachers tend to support this. Bonds between half siblings and step siblings form much the same way as with siblings related by blood, if they've grown up together. But there is evidence to suggest that half siblings with the same mother tend to be closer.

Would you want to encourage rivalry?

Anything in extremes is unhealthy. There could be too little individualisation. And, in a culture where marriage is the norm and the bond with one's siblings is strong, it may be hard to transfer that love to a different situation like marriage.

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