Can Babies Distinguish Between Good and Evil? Science Says Yes. We Say No.

Babies! They're not just for throwing up on themselves and starring in movies. According to a group of British psychologists, six-month-old babies can tell the difference between good and evil. This is the dumbest thing we've ever heard.

Some English American shrink named Paul Bloom thinks that babies have a sense of morality. Why does he think this? Because he did a puppet show for a bunch of babies, where one puppet pushed a "simple, colorful wooden shape with eyes" up a hill, and another puppet pushed the colorful, eye-having shape down the hill. The babies liked the puppet that pushed the shape up the hill more, so Bloom says they liked "the good guy" over "the bad guy"

This is dumb for the obvious reason, which is that pushing things is a morally neutral act. It is not "good" or "evil" to push things up or down a hill, and pushing something up a hill, even if it has eyes, doesn't make anyone "the good guy," not even a puppet. Maybe babies just like stuff that goes up! But it is dumb for another reason, too: Babies are assholes.

Everyone who has ever spent more than a couple hours with a baby knows this. Babies are tiny jerks who can't walk. They don't give a shit about you, or your feelings. Have you ever tried to sleep while a baby is around? The baby doesn't care about your fucking REM cycle. If the baby wants to get burped, the baby will not wait till a mutually convenient time. And pooping: They will just do it, whenever. Babies do not prefer "the good guy" to "the bad guy." Babies are the bad guy.

"Okay," you will say. "Just because babies are jerks doesn't mean they can't tell the difference between good and evil." Fair enough! Maybe babies have a highly-developed moral sense. But that would be awful! Because it would mean that babies are flouting their own moral code. And are therefore still total dicks.

Scientific Conclusion: Babies are shit-filled assholes who like to watch puppets push shapes up hills.

[Daily Mail]