You say: "What? You're upset because your friend called you fat? That's ridiculous. Just ignore her. You're beautiful and thin!"

She hears: "You're ridiculous. And of course I'm telling you you're beautiful because I'm your mom."

The conversation between teenager and parent is complicated by a number of factors — brain development, frustration, distraction, selective hearing ... the list goes on.

So we called a psychologist and expert on adolescent behaviors, Dr. Michael J. Bradley, whose latest book is titled "When Things Get Crazy With Your Teen: The Why, the How and What to do Now," to help us navigate conversations with teenagers. And if you don't have teenagers yet, clip this out and save it. You will need it — perhaps sooner than you think.

Q: Is it common for teens to misinterpret things parents are saying to them?

A: It's real common that teens don't take in what their parents have to say. Parents are stunned when they find out the kid has an enitrely different recollection of what was said, what the expectation was in a particular conversation. It seems to get exponentially worse as the child grows from preadolescence into adolescence.

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Q: Why does this happen? And why don't parents realize it's happening?

A: In early adolescence, there's a reorganization of the brain neurologically, and part of that involves sort of a generic ADHD condition where kids just find that their ability to focus decreases. Second, memory is a very fragile thing for everybody but particularly teenagers. They do a lot of revisionist history when they go back to repeat what was said to them. That doesn't mean they're lying, they don't remember as accurately. The next piece is the new phenomenon of stimuli competition. When you're speaking to your kid, what you can't see is probably five other things speaking to your kid as well — you might not be aware of them. Issues going on in their head, music playing in their head, the stuff they just read on Facebook. They're just incessantly bombarded with stimuli. They have less capability to focus. Find tricks to say things one time and be sure your kid hears it.

Q: How do you do that?

A: If things are going well with your kid, say "Would you do me a favor and tell me what I just asked." Another option is to text. That's the way kids do business these days. And they tend to remember what they see in a text better than what they hear mom saying. A variation on that is the kitchen counter book. Get a tablet and just leave messages for kid in a space where they can acknowledge they got the message.

Q: Are there conversations parents should be more careful about?

A: Anything having to do with potential criticism is very touchy for kids. That covers the gamut — academic performance, sports, anything kids are involved in. They get pummeled all day long — girls in particular — from the time they get on the bus they are being critiqued, mostly by other girls. It's pretty brutal. So your kid may walk in the door just ready to explode with the next criticism.

Q: What are some loaded words we shouldn't use at all?

A: One is, it's a phrase really, "I know what it's like to be a teenager." The key is to show respect for their experience. When say they're under a lot of stress, they usually are. So try to avoid things like "Get over it" or "I was a teenager, I worked seven jobs and walked 7 miles uphill to school" — all that stuff. You just say less. Try not to take things personally, always back away when you can. Say, "We'll talk about it later." Another trick is to get them out of the house. They tend to be more adult in public settings.

Q: In your earlier book, "Yes, Your Teen is Crazy," you describe "good listening" and "bad listening." How can parents be better listeners?

A: First is to ask questions and then shut up. Second is don't evaluate or judge their feelings. Listen as you want a friend to listen. Third, don't argue their feelings. When she says, "I'll never make the basketball team," don't say, "That's silly. Of course you can." Now the kid's got two problems. One, she's terrified of trying out and now you just told her to shut up because her feelings are invalid. That's not supportive. It's much better to say, "Wow, that sounds scary. Tell me about that." So she can then begin to explore her fears.

Parents always are trying to rush to control the kid's behavior. That's not our mission. Our mission is to help our daughters and sons learn to control their own behaviors. It's an entirely different mission statement.