We all know what anger is, and we've felt it: whether as a fleeting annoyance or as a full-fledged rage.

Anger is completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But, when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems: problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you are at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion. This handout is meant to help you to understand and get a handle on handling anger.



Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage," according to Charles Spielberger, Ph.D., a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes: when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the level of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and non-adrenaline.

Anger can be caused by both eternal and internal events. You can be angry at a specific persons (such as a co-worker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.



On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common-sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.


Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive - not aggressive - manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are and how to get them met without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.



Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.

As Dr. Spielberger notes, "when none of these three techniques work, that's when someone - or something - is going to get hurt."




There are psychological tests that measure the integrity of angry feelings, how prone to anger you are, and how well you handle it. Chances are good that if you do have a problem with anger you already know it. If you find yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you might need help finding better ways to deal with this emotion.


According to Jerry Deffenbacher, Ph.D., a psychologist who specializes in anger management, some people really are more "hotheaded" than others; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person. There are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, and get physically ill.

People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust; for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.





It's best to find out what it is that triggers your anger and then to develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge.



Simple relaxation tools such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn them you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.

Some simple steps you can try:


Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself; "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself; "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."

Be careful of words like "never" and "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "You're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.

For example, you have a friend who is constantly late when you make plans to meet. Don't go on the attack; think instead about the goal you want to accomplish (that is, getting you and your friend there at about the same time). So avoid saying things like, "You're always late! You're the most irresponsible, inconsiderate person I've ever met! " The only goal that accomplishes is hurting and angering your friend.

State what the problem is and try to find a solution that works for both of you; or take matters into your own hands by, for instance, setting your meeting time a half-hour earlier so that your friend will, in fact, get there on time, even if you have to trick him or her into doing it! Either way, the problem is solved and the friendship isn't damaged.



Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying "In would like" something is healthier than saying "In demand" or "In must have" something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions - frustration, disappointment, hurt - but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.



Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. People who have trouble with planning might find a good guide to organizing or time management helpful.) Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts, and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.


Angry people tend to jump to - and act on - conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be pretty wild. The first thing to do, if you're in a heated discussion, is to slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.

Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck.




The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is "things oughta go my way!" Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity, and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them!
When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being a little unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the things you're angry about really are.






Some other tips for easing up on yourself follow.


Avoidance. If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say "well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.





Source: Innovations in Clinical Practice: A Source Book (Vol. 13) pp. 445-450 (Reproducible Handouts Section). Originally reproduced from Psychology and You: Controlling Anger - Before It Controls You, a pamphlet by the Public Affairs Office of the American Psychological Association (APA). The following APA members assisted in the production of the brochure: Jerry Deffenbacher, Ph.D., Colorado State University and Charles D. Spielberger, Ph.D., University of South Florida. This brochure was written by Chi Chi Sileo.