Guest column: How to repair relationships



Guest column: How to repair relationships

image0-Guest column: How to repair relationships

How to repair well

The problem is the problem, not the other person. Commit to being on the same team and if you work together rather than against each other, resolution is more likely.

Pick your battles wisely. Some things really aren't that big a deal.

Skip the personal attacks. If there is a character flaw present, choose a different time to bring that up so you can focus on immediate solutions.

Be aware of your approach. Do you see conflict as a "win-lose" scenario or can you envision a "win-win" option?

Make allowances. A little grace goes a long way. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt and clarify the message before responding.

Wipe the slate clean. Once you resolve an issue, it is a done deal. If you find yourself bringing up something from the past, you didn't really resolve the issue.

If you are in a high-conflict relationship, get help building the skills necessary for successful interaction. Seek out a trusted friend or professional who can work with you to develop the tools needed to have more satisfying outcomes.

One of the challenges people face today is how to resolve conflict.

The conflict itself is really secondary because most of the time it’s the method of communication used (or misused) that trips people up.

To understand the difficulty in conflict resolution, a quick review of the communication process is helpful.

The basics include: the message, a sender, receiver, method of delivery, and interference. The message is strictly information or facts to be conveyed. The sender initiates the conversation; the receiver is the listener. The method of delivery can be written or verbal, in person or remote. Finally, the interference (also known as “noise”) is anything that hinders the delivery of the message. Interference can be internal or external and affects both sender and receiver. Internal interference includes how a person translates information, what they pay attention to, sensitivities and triggers, and willingness to clarify the message. External interference is whatever might be happening around you that could affect your ability to listen well (e.g. noise from traffic or other people near by).

With all these factors at play, it’s no wonder we struggle to communicate effectively, let alone resolve a conflict. But true conflict resolution is critical to the health of relationship.

Marital researcher John Gottman notes that the best predictor of divorce is not the absence of conflict, but the lack of repair. Gottman highlights what he terms as “the four horsemen of the apocalypse,” which are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. At various points, couples use these different “horsemen,” but healthy relationships grow through their conflicts by negotiating a satisfying solution for both parties.

If they don’t repair well from their issues, couples will gradually grow apart and stop investing in the relationship.

– Christine Lister is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Fullerton. She specializes in helping people resolve their conflicts. For more information, visit

More from Brea-Fullerton-La Habra


Join the conversation

Comments are encouraged, but you must follow our User Agreement
