2007-04-27 / Opinions & Editorial

Needed: More Square Dancing


Many of the world's ills could be alleviated by increased square dancing. If a square dancing club could be installed in every city and hamlet on earth, an immediate uptick would occur in public health, international relations and Lord only knows what all.

Square dancing is superb exercise. Four couples form a square, spirited music strikes up, a dance expert known as a caller chants out a series of instructions that sets the dancers marching, whirling, weaving and twirling. When the set ends, several minutes later, heart rates are up and sweat glands are effusing. Two or three hours of square dancing each week, per person, worldwide, would reduce medical costs by a third.

Square dancing also cuts down on unwanted pregnancies and social diseases. At the end of a night of square dancing, all the partners are usually tired. This reduces libido. Sex drive is further lessened by the prospect of couples having to negotiate the tangled maze of petticoats and embroidered bloomers that women square dancers like to wear. Instead of making love, the dancers tend to finish the night off with cider, doughnuts and discussing the literary merits of Henry David Thoreau's laundry lists.

Centuries-long international disputes would surely yield to an evening of square dancing. Hire a hall in Jerusalem or the Gaza Strip. Invite every citizen of Palestine and Israel, including all the rival groups - Hamas, Fatah, Fatwah, Hadassah, Goyim - to come and square dance. Guns and bombs would be checked at the door. Muslims and Jews would find it impossible to argue while trying to figure out the meaning of dozy-do and allemande left.

If we held similar square dances in North and South Korea, Belfast, Pakistan-India, Russia-Chechnya and Leominster-Fitchburg (see below) we would see a dramatic diminishing of age-old conflicts.

Unlike ballroom dancing, where participants worry too much about making the wrong step, square dancing not only allows screw-ups but also actually promotes them. This is done by inventing so many dance variations that no one except the caller knows exactly what's going on. Square dance formations have colorful names. Such as Flannel-Eyed Joe, Influenza Outbreak, Jenny Tight-Knees and the Worcester Dipstick.

Square dancing in America was developed by European settlers who ran out of beer and needed something fun to do besides drown witches and betray Indians. Before square dancing there was the gavotte, the quadrille, the minuet and the hey-nonnie-nonnie. Not to mention the mazurka. All of them were wiped out in the Panic of 1897, leaving only square dancing (both traditional and Western), round dancing, the Texas two-step and disco. Today the square dance is the official dance of several U.S. states.

Would you like to go square dancing in our area? No prob. The Montachusett Twirlers get together from 8 to 10:30 p.m. on the first Saturday of each month, at the First Baptist Church of Fitchburg, at 1400 John Fitch Highway. The group's president, Betsey McPhee of Leominster, invites interested persons to learn more by calling her at (978) 348-1515.

On their vacations, Betsey and her husband Paul have gone square dancing in Tennessee, Missouri and California. Closer to home are groups in Sturbridge (The Hayloft Steppers), Framingham (The Fair and Squares), and the Jumptown Twirlers in Orange/ Athol.

Betsey estimates there are about two-dozen professional callers in Massachusetts. Even as this issue of the Champion goes to press, the New England Square and Round Dance Convention is gathering in Springfield for its annual hoedown.

Another lady I talked to while researching this column gave me a short definition of square dancing. She called it "friendship set to music." I like that, don't you?

Bob Driver's e-mail address is tralee71@comcast.net.

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