Carol Veravanich: What's funny, what's hurtful?

Q. I am a father, and I have some questions concerning the age at which a child can comprehend the difference between name-calling in a playful manner with friends and between parents and children, as opposed to hurtful teasing and name-calling. The bottom line is that my brother in-law feels that our youngsters, 3-5, are unable to process the difference between names we might call one another in fun and name calling in a hurtful way, i.e. "knucklehead," "turtle monkey" or other silly names. I feel as though if a child can recognize the appropriate time to use "please" and "thank you" that they can understand when, where, and who it is appropriate to be silly with. My question for you is, can you help point me to some studies or information that point to social comprehension skills and age level? Your opinion is appreciated as well.

A.I am not sure how long of an answer you were expecting, but this could fill a book. I will attempt to be brief.

Kids in this age group generally approach things from a very self-centered position. This is a developmental stage, not a character flaw, so do not worry about it. The children are learning to interpret their world as it directly relates to them. Your children will learn to say "please" and "thank you" in your home if you teach them when to do so. Our children first learn how to function in the home before functioning in the world. What you teach your child and the example you set will go a long way to showing them how you want them to behave out in the world.

Now for the name-calling specifically: You are teasing in your home and the children see your smile and are learning to interpret your words as it relates to them. If you are sure their feelings are not hurt, I believe they understand you are kidding and they probably think it is funny and try to find ways to mimic your humor.

Your children will not, however, predict with certainty 'when, where, and who it is appropriate' to name-call. They will probably use the humor you have created at home and attempt to call friends (and cousins, it sounds like) these names as well. My children are almost the same ages as yours, and my youngest heard the term 'what the heck' from one of his cousins and thought this was the funniest thing. He said it all the time for a week — just out of nowhere. If something strikes the children as funny, they will experiment with it.

All children in this age range are around the same developmental levels, so these other kids will not know how to process your children's humor. Hurt feelings can always result with name calling, but friends can learn to be silly with one another as well.

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