Too sexy for kindergarten

Jen Eyer | By Jen Eyer |
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on August 12, 2008 at 2:30 PM, updated August 12, 2008 at 2:53 PM

Here's a story that addresses one of my big concerns about Belle starting school: the exposure she'll get to things that we've so far managed to shield her from.

Too Sexy, Too Soon: Combating the Sexualization of Childhood

A 6-year-old asks at dinner, "What's a blow job?" Four-year-old girls mimic Britney Spears's pelvis-grinding gyrations. Eight-year-old girls plot how to manipulate their parents to buy them "sexy" midriff-baring tops. And fifth-grade boys tell their teacher they know you don't have to like a person to have sex with them because they've seen pornography on the Internet.

After I read these real-life examples of the sexualization of childhood in So Sexy So Soon, the new book by Diane Levin and Jean Kilbourne, I felt nauseated. I have a rising kindergartner whose idea of being a big girl means going without sippy cups, and I'm nowhere near prepared for dealing with the blow job question at the dinner table. So I called up Levin, a professor of education at Wheelock College in Boston, to find out what on Earth is going on. Here are excerpts of our conversation:

What has happened? This is so different from our childhoods, when we didn't start thinking about this stuff until middle school. I just saw an ad for high heels for 6-month-olds. Puh-lease.
Deregulation of television in the 1980s led to much more violent programming for young boys, and girls being channeled more to what's pretty and sweet. Since then, we've seen increasing escalation of gender divisions, of boys being told they have to be macho and ready to fight, and girls not just being pretty and sweet but being sexy and sexualized. Even Barbie now has bigger, sexier lips to compete with the Bratz dolls.

When I look at a toy that upset me 10 years ago, I think, "Oh boy, I wish we had that now." There is a female professional wrestling toy that comes to mind. Back then, she had on a very skimpy dress and she was holding a cigarette. It was marketed to children. Her breasts got bigger every year after that, the neckline got lower. Seven years later, I got a figure of a professional wrestler in a black leather bra and shorts. The bra was unzipped; she carried a whip. It was an image out of S&M pornography. I say give me back the earlier toy.

But you say that just saying no, banning Bratz dolls and violent superheroes, isn't going to work. Why not?
Industry always says it's the parents' job to say what's appropriate, that if they didn't let their kids watch it, they wouldn't see it. But no matter how much parents say no, there are things that are going to get in that they don't want--at another person's house, on the playground, or through older kids.

Secondly, if you just say no, your kids are not going to know how to deal with these things. They begin to see you as the enemy. The single most important thing is to stay connected. If a child says, "I really, really, really need to have this," say: "Tell me why you think so, and let me tell you why I think that's a bad idea. Let's think about a way how you can have it that will deal with what worries me."

And the sidebar: 6 Ways to Prep Your Kids for an Oversexed World

1. Stay connected, so your child is comfortable telling you about sex or other emotionally charged issues. When children say or do something that seems inappropriate, a good start to the conversation is: "What have you heard about that?"

2. Protect children as much as possible from exposure to sexual imagery in the media and popular culture. Ban TVs and computers from kids' bedrooms. Set up a schedule that spells out how much screen time your kids have each day. Encourage other activities, including sports, music, and volunteering.

3. Learn about the media and popular culture in your children's lives. Ask them what shows, videos, and games they do and don't like, and what their friends like. Watch shows or play video games with your children, so you know what's in the media and can talk about why sexual or violent images disturb you. Preview shows yourself if you're not sure whether they're appropriate for your child. If you have tweens or teens, join MySpace and Facebook to keep an eye on their online activities.

4. Get beyond "Just say no." If you are too rigid as a parent, your kids will sneak behind your back or be afraid to tell you about disturbing images they see. Try working out solutions with your children. When you do need to say no, say it constructively: "I know you saw that show at Jared's house, and we've talked about how much you want to watch it here. But I've watched it, too, and it just makes me too uncomfortable to let all the [inappropriate content] into our house. But I'm glad we've talked about it."

5. Counteract the narrow stereotypes of boys and girls in commercial culture by helping boys learn alternatives to tough and violent behavior and by encouraging girls to be physically active and independent, rather than focusing on appearance and sexiness.

6. Share your values and concerns with other adults--including other parents and teachers. We're not in this alone.

Bratz dolls are banned in our house, but when we see them at Target, Belle is drawn to them. One day we stopped and scrutinized them together, and I pointed out exactly what I didn't like: their skirts were too short, they wore too much makeup, their expressions and poses were too "sassy." I think that helped her to understand, because the next time she saw them, she repeated some of the things that I had said.

I do worry about her interest in appearance, which could make her vulnerable to the whole sexy thing. On the up side, she has developed more of an interest in bugs, animals, plants and all-things-outdoors this summer. She's more willing to get dirty, and she'll hold a toad without flinching. We just need to keep encouraging that side of her.