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Thursday, February 14, 2013

Relationships as Taught by a Horse

I spoke with Brian Brinkerhoff yesterday for his radio program Back country Radio.(http://backcountrynetwork.blogspot.com) What a pleasure that was, he is a quality radio host. The theme of the day was relationships and what I had learned over the years as a farrier from my closest co-workers, the horses.

First to set the stage it is important to note that for horses, relationships are very much a surface activity. Most of their actions are governed by instinct and memories laced with either fear or pleasure. That being the case I think we can call the principles that govern relationships with most animals, foundation principles because they happen exclusively in the animal brain. We all also have an animal brain but we also have a part of the brain that give us cognition, complex emotion, and moral agency that sit on top of those foundation principles and many times complicate them to the point that they become quite messy. The point is if we learn and internalize the foundation principles that govern our relationships in the animal brain, we are more likely to use the higher thinking skills to create great relationships.

The 5 foundation principles that I outline below can help us to troubleshoot our relationships, and build new ones on a solid foundation.

#1 Accept and embrace the fact that there is a lot going on under the surface - One of the ways I learned this was by watching the way horses express preferences for other individuals almost immediately on being introduced. Turn 3 or more horses out together and within 10 minutes (literally) they have made up their mind about all of the others. They develop alliances and dependent relationships very quickly and then stand by them rigidly. Now I know that we are more complex than this, but we do have many animal functions running just under the surface giving us very similar messages to what the horse is getting from his walnut sized brain. If we are aware of this fact, couldn't we use our powers of mindfulness to overcome natural, almost uncontrollable feelings that get in the way of our relationships?

#2 You usually get what you bring to relationships - I work with a horse named Teddy. I know as sure as I know anything that if I don't go to his field prepared to stand out in the middle of the field while he struts around and shows off for about 5 minutes before I make the first move to catch him, I will be chasing him around all day. Chris is another horse that just refuses to be caught unless I take a small handful of grain to entice him. I have at times been a lazy and impatient horseshoer and just walked out there thinking that just because I was in a hurry or didn't want to go to the feed room for a handful of grain, that Chris would somehow change. NOT A CHANCE! There is no catching that horse. How often in our relationships do we approach our interactions empty handed knowing full well what the rules of that relationship are? Are we lazy, or impatient, or just plain prideful? We would all be better off if we take something to the relationship before we expect to receive anything from it.

#3 Relationships are cumulative and have memories - I shoed a horse named Erwin for a couple of years. Erwin and I had a troubled, tense relationship. Let's just say he knew how to push all of my buttons. One day I showed up to the barn to the welcome news that Erwin had been leased, for an indefinite period, which usually means permanently. I was a happy horseshoer. Not too long ago, upon my arrival, I was told that Erwin was back, and that he was around the corner waiting for me because he had pulled a shoe. The hair went up on the back of my neck and I anticipated the worst. I rounded the corner and there he stood 16.2 hands with his head up high, his ears flat against his head, and his nostrils flaring. I suddenly became aware that this was a two way street with this horse, and he was as unhappy about the situation as I was. Erwin looked at me and I could almost hear him saying, "he's baaaack!" No matter what we might tell ourselves about our relationship history, or what we might want to wish away, our relationships have their own memories, and they are cumulative. The walls we have built between us and our loved ones and co-workers were built brick by brick; they need to be dismantled brick by brick. The sooner we come to accept that truth, the sooner we will embark on a path that will lead us to a better place in that relationship.

#4 Use Yin and Yang to your advantage - The best advice I was ever given about shoeing a horse was from my mentor. He told me "son that horse outweighs you 5 times, and is at least 10 times stronger than you are. You aren't going to win any wrestling matches with him." His advice was, when the horse is pulling, then you release. When the horse releases, then you pull. Sounds simple doesn't it. This easy philosophy is best described by the eastern tradition of the Yin and Yang; negative and positive energy. Yin and Yang are not just the expression of the opposite, they express the fulfillment of the marriage of the two. For example; light and darkness, health and sickness, wealth and poverty, masculine and feminine. In other words we need the opposites to exist in order to be truly fulfilled. Don't we all violate this principle of energy far to often in our relationships? When the other half of the relationship is angry, it is not just passivity that is required, it is a listening ear and true empathy that fulfills that anger and makes it productive instead of destructive.

#5 Relationships work best when you share power - I used to work at a barn that gave tours of the Gettysburg battlefield on horseback. You can imagine that we saw a lot of novice riders. We had 3 mules in the string and I noticed over time that the wranglers always gave the mules women riders when they had them. I asked once why that was the case and they explained to me that mules are very smart and capable animals; they do their job best when their rider is willing to share power. They explained further that in their experience women were much better at sharing power than are men. Now I don't want to get in the middle of that philosophical argument, but the principle is that all of us could benefit from more self determination in our relationships. We all work better when we feel that we are not being "ridden hard and put up wet."

I hope you can internalize these foundation principles of relationships that I have gleaned from my work through the years with horses. It is clear that the more conscious and mindful that we are of the forces that act upon us in our relationship, the more able we will be to create rich and rewarding relationships now and in the future.

"Me and Erwin"

Remember, not only am I the blacksmith, but you too are the blacksmith. (A force for creation and change)