Friday, December 7, 2007

The Rhetoirc of Dating

It's often difficult for students to get their heads around how powerful even the basic insights of rhetoric can be. Learning to think of the various facets of the rhetorical triangle--the author/audience/message--and how it can be used in a real world situation often helps.

I'd like you to spend some time thinking of the rhetoric of dating, and participate in a discussion of the subject via comments to this post. Comments are an odd rhetorical genre, and they lend them selves to short entries in which the various authors offer specific insight into the topic of a post or to the thoughts offered by others. The purpose for everyone in the comments is to gain or provide useful information and insights into the subject of the original post.

Let me help you get started.

If we think about rhetoric at all we're used to thinking about the rhetorical situation as static and too often from the author's viewpoint. Many of the most valuable insights of rhetoric, however, come from seeing how the roles of author/audience shift, how each achieves their rhetorical purposes, and how different kinds (genres) of texts are constructed in a dynamic, real world situation.

If you've never thought about the rhetoric of dating, it's a fun topic. To get started, ask your self the basic questions surrounding dating and rhetoric:

What are the purposes each party hopes to achieve?
What kinds of texts do the different parties construct to achieve their purpose?
How do the three appeals of logos, pathos, and ethos work in these texts?
How do the two authors learn about their audience?
What are the needs of the two parties as audience?
What interpretative rubrics do the parties use to get a handle on the other party as author/person?

Think for a moment of the various genres (kinds of repeating interactions which hold common expectations) which govern dating.

There's the first date. There's the first kiss. There's the car. There's dress. There's deciding on topics of conversations at various points in dating relationship. There's the second date and the third. There's the breakup. There's introducing the date to one's friends or to the ex. There's the problem of intimacy. The list goes on.

Think of how you develop ethos with your date. Think of how you use logos and pathos to make yourself appealing. Think of the various opportunities to loose ethos. Think of how you develop identification with your audience. Think of all of these as they apply to the genres of dating.

I think this is enough to get you started. As always...


Daniel S said...

This is a really interesting concept. Especially because it's so obvious. I mean, let's loot at the 3 appeals.

Logos. You are always trying to make a logical appeal to your date. The first examples that come to mind would be the clothes you wear, or the conversations you bring up. You are trying to impart that logically, you are a good choice.

Pathos. We could probably go on and on about the emotional appeal, so to be honest I'm not even going to get into it, as it's pretty obvious.

Ethos. Now, this is an interesting one. An ethical appeal, in dating. This is always a bit hard to define, and this is no different. I guess accurately representing oneself, or maybe being genuine and not having any ulterior motives would be an ethical appeal.

What do you guys think?

H Walters said...

I think it's a great subject. My only problem is that I have never went on a date. My husband and I knew each other when we were kids and we were a couple in high school. We didn't go on dates. We did go to dinner and a movie, but we never had to impress the other. I have no clue what I am going to write on.

Bradford said...

Quite interesting subject matter, and entirely true, at least to my knowledge; I've also never dated, or even had a girlfriend =(. Each of the three types of rhetoric has a different importance to the dating scene, but I believe that Pathos is the most important. Persuading the other that you are a good person to be involved with, by means of striking at the emotions. Striking up conversations that make the other feel involved, make them want to converse back, or simply, not making them feel awkward.

Jason Williams said...

I think the idea of purpose is an interesting one in this situation. I would think the overall purpose that each person has is to continue dating the other person.

After dating for a while, however, one person might shift their focus to getting married to the other person or just becoming more... intimate... for lack of a better word. So, purposes for both parties could change over time or even be different for each party.

I probably need to mention that like Bradford and Helen I have never gone on a date myself.

Steve Brandon said...


Dating doesn't stop at the alter. My wife and I still go on dates. We like going for hikes, kite flying, wandering around the countryside, going for dinner, or going out for tea and a talk. The purposes of the date, however, do change.

Nance and I spend time together to, well, spend time in each other's company and remind ourselves how much we love one another. We share the things we enjoy together, because the sharing makes the time and experience better. We sometimes go on a date for the romance of it. I like buying her flowers. We go out to have fun. It sounds like you've been in a committed relationship for a long time, and you know the drill.

In rhetoric, we call the ends or purposes of rhetoric "telos." If one changes the telos of a rhetorical situation, the ends one wants to achieve, then one changes the rhetoric one uses in the situation. Comfortable silences become a large part of the rhetoric of dating in committed relationships. Just as in the pre-alter version of dating, thinking of the other person and making *sure* their needs and desires dominate your actions plays a large role in what one plans, says, and does.

Steve Brandon said...


Attempting to bring about identification, friendship, care, liking, and love are ends of some forms of dating. Using emotional appeals is actually a way to find yourself being given the door. Think about it. Pathos appeals are built on the assumption you can appeal to your audience's emotions and manipulate them to satisfy your own purposes. Of course, pathos appeals are part of all relationships, but the use of your partner's emotions and the manipulation necessary to use pathos effectively undermines the ends most dating is trying to achieve.

Having made this point, we still use pathos appeals in dating, but they often work as an aspect of ethos appeals. For instance, part of establishing a working ethos with a date is establishing the fact that you care about your date and that you are a caring person. Think of the pathos involved in stopping by a pet shop to pet puppies, showing that you notice when your date is tired or over wrought, or in "opening up" and sharing more-or-less intimate details. This last, by the way, may work well as the relationship matures, but it would probably work against your ethos on the first date.

Steve Brandon said...


I'm glad you thought about purpose or the telos of dating. I haven't spent much time writing to y'all on the subject, but the ends or purposes of an author are often complicated by the fact that we are usually working toward multiple, not single ends. Dating is a good example.

As you note, one of the major ends of dating is to continue the relationship. For some, however, it's to prove sexual prowess or just to insure sex. For most, there is the desire to just have a good time. There's also the end of getting to know the other well enough one can make a judgment about them as a potential mate or friend. I could go on, but I encourage y'all to take up the baton and think of different kinds of dates and the telos or ends to which the folks involved---the authors---work.

This last makes dating particularly difficult, that is, the two parties working at cross purposes. In fact, one of the ends of dating is often just to figure out the intentions and character (the ethos) of the other.

Tony Kanaan said...

Dating from a rhetorical point of view, this should be interesting!
In dating the first impression one makes on his date is considered to be part of the Logos appeal. The communication and body language passed between the two a date also qualifies as Logos.
Ethos in dating can be represented by the personality one portrays to his date and trying to establish credibility with his date.
Pathos, emotions; this is a hard one for me to analyze. Emotions will most definitely be present between two people on a date, but different type of emotions can trigger random events from either party that could easily make or break a date.

Jason Williams said...

Sorry for not putting a new response up here, but I have been busy with other class tasks.

In any case, I like your interpretations of the rhetorical appeals. I might also be able to offer an example when it comes to your thoughts about pathos.

Take a woman who is naturally "emotional" about things. She cries when she sees a sad movie, feelings can be hurt easily, etc. Then, take a man who is more reserved. If the woman tried to use mainly pathos appeals when it came to the man, she probably wouldn't be sucessful.

When it comes to writing, this is related to needing to know the needs and practices of your audience.

Jason Williams said...

I forgot to mention this, but my above post is in response to Tony's post above that. Sorry!