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Being Jilted Help and Advice

Report: Being rejected increases many people’s motivation to pursue that elusive objective. But there’s a catch, say Stanford researchers. Being rebuffed, in fact, makes people less fond of what it is they think they want more. Once they obtain the desired goal, many are quicker to lose interest in it.

Playing hard to get is a timeworn technique for snagging that desired significant other. And there’s a reason, say Stanford researchers. Being rejected increases many people’s motivation to pursue that elusive objective—with a vengeance.

But there’s a catch. It turns out that being rebuffed, in fact, makes people less fond of what it is they think they want more. Once they obtain the desired goal, many are quicker to lose interest in it.

“For many people, wanting and liking are two separate things that can become contradictory,” says researcher Baba Shiv, professor of marketing at the Stanford Graduate School of Business. “When someone is thwarted from obtaining his original desire, he, in fact, comes to find the attractiveness and appeal of his target to be diminished. Yet, perversely, he may feel he wants it even more. The thrill becomes the chase.”

Those most susceptible to wanting the desired object more but liking it less, the authors found, are people who tend to feel and express emotions with a lower level of intensity. “People who are more hot-headed tend to respond to the denial experience by ramping down both their level of interest in the objective and their desire for it––their attitude becomes ‘it’s not so great, and I don’t want it anyway,” explains Ab Litt, a doctoral student at the Stanford Graduate School of Business who coauthored the study with Shiv and Uzma Khan, assistant professor of marketing. “There’s less contradiction because they’re more in tune with their raw feelings. They’re therefore more likely to make decisions that are going to make them happier in the long run.”

Interestingly, women in the study were more prone to the like less–want more syndrome than men. “That’s probably explained by the fact that they were somewhat less emotionally reactive than men,” suggests Litt. While women typically may experience and express emotions more richly, the researchers speculate, men may do so with more raw intensity, which influences how they take action on them.

In the study, participants were asked to solve several puzzles and were told that if their performance was in the top 25th percentile, they would receive a gift. Then, at random, some were told they had met the goal, while others were told that they had not.

Those who were denied the gift were then asked how much they would be willing to pay for it in a store. Participants who did not receive the gift were willing to pay more for it than those who later did actually receive it. “This shows that being rejected made them want it more,” says Shiv.

“Jilted” participants then completed a second set of tasks to obtain the same gift, and all were told they had won. They were subsequently asked whether they would like to trade the item for another of equal value. Significantly more subjects who had been denied the gift the first time were willing to trade it away than those who had received it on round one.

“This serves as a measure of how much they liked the item,” says Shiv. “Those who had been thwarted in getting it initially actually came to like it less. Being jilted causes people to want something more, but it also makes them feel more negative about it once they get it––and to not want to have anything to do with it.”

The study, to be published in an upcoming issue of Psychological Science, has implications for product marketing as well as personal relationships. One traditional technique to increase demand for an item, for example, is to create an artificial shortage. “The study shows that this approach will be effective as long as people get the item without a good deal of problems,” says Shiv. “But if they’re constantly frustrated, having to stand in line or return to the store only to find the item still not there, they may desire it more but quickly lose interest in it once they have it. The long-term success of the product will be doomed.”

Meanwhile, singles in pursuit of Mr. or Mrs. Right may want to keep in mind that it’s good to play hard to get—as long as it doesn’t get too hard.

—Marguerite Rigoglioso

Being Jilted Help and Advice

Stop Doubting Yourself

Discuss Self Doubt in the Therapy 247 Forum

Doubt, a status between belief and disbelief, involves uncertainty or distrust or lack of sureness of an alleged fact, an action, a motive, or a decision. Doubt brings into question some notion of a perceived “reality”, and may involve delaying or rejecting relevant action out of concerns for mistakes or faults or appropriateness. Some definitions of doubt emphasize the state in which the mind remains suspended between two contradictory propositions and unable to assent to either of them (compare paradox).

The concept of doubt covers a range of phenomena: one can characterise both deliberate questioning of uncertainties and an emotional state of indecision as “doubt”.

The term “to doubt” can also mean “to question one’s circumstances and life-experience”.


Coping with Anxiety

Ranges from mild, persistent worry to disabling fear and full-blown panic attacks.

Causes: Anxiety may be the result of a traumatic experience, a genetic predisposition, or an imbalance of brain chemicals. It can also occur for no apparent reason.

Effect: Generalized Anxiety Disorder causes you to feel restless, impatient and constantly ‘on edge’. You may suffer from panic attacks, dizziness, fatigue, palpitations, aching muscles, excessive sweating, digestive problems and insomnia.

Phobias are also a type of anxiety disorder. Someone with a specific phobia knows the exact trigger for their anxiety, for example spiders (arachnophobia), leaving the house (agoraphobia) or entering small spaces such as lifts (claustrophobia).

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder arises after a very traumatic or life-threatening event, and usually includes flash-backs.

Social Anxiety Disorder is diagnosed when a person experiences disabling anxiety in social situations.


Relaxation techniques are helpful in combating anxiety disorders. These include breathing exercises and meditation.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

Flooding and Exposure Therapy are techniques in which you are forced to confront the things you fear, either suddenly (for specific phobias) or gradually, until you no longer respond to the trigger with anxiety.

Medication may be prescribed when anxiety is severe.

Cutting out caffeine and nicotine may help.

Yoga and pilates.

Exercise such as brisk walking helps to reduce anxiety.



This feature will help you identify the symptoms of anxiety disorders, explain the role of research in understanding the causes of these conditions, describe effective treatments, help you learn how to obtain treatment and work with a doctor or therapist, and suggest ways to make treatment more effective.

The anxiety disorders discussed in this feature arepanic disorder,

  • obsessive-compulsive disorder,
  • post-traumatic stress disorder,
  • social phobia (or social anxiety disorder),
  • specific phobias, and
  • generalized anxiety disorder.

Discuss coping with anxiety

Feeling Envious

Cause of Envy

Low self esteem, dissatisfaction with life or a poor self-image.

Effects of Feeling Envious

Longing for something someone else has, for example a big house, more money, a better body, youth or a different job. This can lead to feelings of anger, sadness, bitterness andaggression.

Possible Solutions to Feelings of Envy

Write a list of all the things you are thankful for in your life until it outweighs those that you don’t have. Include the little things too and focus on your talents and the opportunities you have. Remember that other people are probably envious of many of these.

Make positive changes in your life and chase your dreams. Do things that make you feel happy and fulfilled, like changing career path, voluntary work, learning a new skill or travelling.

Discuss your jealousy in the forum

Lack of Sex Drive

Lack of Sex Drive Causes

Emotional stress, depression, anxiety, hang-ups from past, sexual abuse, lack of privacy, anaemia, alcoholism, drug abuse, certain prescription medications, hormonal changes and the trauma of childbirth.

Effects: Reluctance to have sex, no interest in sex, feeling angry or frustrated with your partner, not enjoying sex, and relationship difficulties.

Lack of Sex Drive Solutions


psycho-sexual therapy,

‘Desire Cream’; increases blood flow to the genitals,

‘EROS’ suction device,

‘Intrinsa’ testosterone skin patch.

SheKnows.com: What exactly is libido?

Kelli Young: Libido refers to one’s sex drive or appetite for sexual activity, either alone or with a partner. A woman’s libido encompasses her sexual thoughts, fantasies, desires and interest in engaging in sexual behaviors.

SheKnows.com: Is there such thing as a normal sex drive?

Kelli Young: In a word… no. There really is no such thing as a “normal” sex drive. Women vary greatly in their desire for sex. It is not uncommon to experience a temporary decline in sex drive and, in fact, many women do at various times in their lives.

SheKnows.com: When should a woman worry about her libido?


Many factors dampen sexual desire

SheKnows.com: What can affect a woman’s sex drive? Why does it change?

Kelli Young: All women will notice natural and normal fluctuations in their sexual appetites over time. Many of these changes result from hormonal fluctuations (during menstruation, pregnancy, perimenopause, etc.) and may affect a woman’s body image and self-image (she may feel less desirable or sexy, and, in turn, less sexual).


Many physical and mental illnesses can negatively affect a woman’s libido, as can the medications often used to treat these illnesses. Several medications have serious sexual side effects.

Lifestyle, nutrition and stress level can also play a role in dampening sexual desire. The demands of juggling work, family and other responsibilities can be exhausting and overwhelming; there may be little energy and enthusiasm left for sex. Negative sexual experiences can also impact a woman’s enjoyment of and desire for sex. Finally, relationship problems and difficulties in communication can have a major detrimental influence on a woman’s sex drive.

Natural ways to liven your libido

SheKnows.com: How can a woman increase her libido/sex drive?

Kelli Young: There are some relatively simple steps women can take to improve their libido.

These may include:


Consider a natural libido supplement. Many women have noted significant improvement in vaginal lubrication and sensitivity while using a natural libido supplement, such as FemMED’s Libido formula.




Address relationship issues. The quality of a relationship, particularly a couple’s communication, has a significant impact on their sexual satisfaction.

Seek counseling when necessary. At times, it may be helpful to seek counseling from a sex therapist or couples counselor skilled in addressing sexual issues.

Dealing with Mood Swings

Moods are the result of reactions in our internal chemistry. The brain is responsible for releasing many hormones and chemicals that cause the body to react in response to an external stimuli. We can’t avoid changes in situations so we can’t avoid mood swings. However, by being knowledgeable about what causes emotions or mood swings, we can overcome bad moods.

We can overcome bad moods by watching our diet. Moods are caused by the brain’s chemistry, which responds to foods. Caffeine is a quick pick-me-up but has the adverse side effect of causing you irritability. Skimpy meals or skipping meals also gives you black, bad moods. Eating balanced meals nourishes your brain and lessens the possibility of bad moods.

We can avoid bad moods with sufficient sleep. Resting at night renews our overworked body. Insufficient sleep causes crankiness as the fatigue disables your ability to cope with the daily demands of life. So sleep that bad mood away. Take a snooze whenever you feel down. Sleep gives you energy to deal with changes and stress, and it even gives you energy to deal with your own emotions. Your moods will not swing wildly because you feel you are in control.

Moods are affected by energy cycles. Our health, metabolism, food, and time of the day affect our energy cycle, which in turn gives us good or bad moods. People are more energetic earlier in the day. This is the time when you are in a good mood. You don’t wake up to a bad mood unless you have a splitting hangover. Sunlight also affects us by influencing our body temperatures. Higher temperatures denote higher energy levels, which give us good moods. Thus, we are generally happier in the morning. So you know why you tend to be cranky at night! It helps to eat a light carbohydrate snack to put your mood back into equilibrium.

We can overcome bad moods by coming into contact with nature. A concrete jungle is cold and depressing. Working long hours in a dreary office environment bores you and drags your mood down. Overcome this by glazing out the window into the scenery outside. Make maximum use of your lunch break to enjoy a change of atmosphere to refresh your mind and elevate your mood. This is the perk of eating out.

Dissolve your bad mood away by some psychoanalysis. Ask yourself what is causing you so much pain that it affects your moods. Work out solutions for your problems and you’ll definitely feel better. Bad moods can be just the negative way of seeing things. If we are pessimistic, then we bring our bad moods upon ourselves. If we choose to be optimistic and think positively for everything, then we are masters of our moods. It is as simple as thinking your bad mood away!

Cause: Bad moods may occur for no obvious reason, or be due to hormonal changes, pre-menstrual tension, blood sugar imbalances or stress.

Effect: You may feel angry, frustrated, tearful and sad, or swing from one emotion to the next. You may over-react to situations you normally cope well with.

Solutions: Communicate your feelings to family or friends.

Meditation will help to calm and energize you.

Eat regular meals with a low-glycaemic index (eg. wholegrains and protein) to keep blood sugar levels stable.

Remember a funny memory, or watch a video that makes you laugh.

Write a list of all your accomplishments and things you are proud of, as far back as you can remember.

Focus on an activity that you enjoy, such as cooking, drawing or playing a sport.

Make progress on your important goals; these might be your work, a college essay, applying for a new job, learning a new skill or a creative project.

Think of three good things that have happened to you in the last 24 hours, such as chatting to a friend on the phone, enjoying a meal or walking in the sunshine.

Do a kind act for someone else, or tend a pet or houseplant to help you feel good.

Discuss your mood swings in the therapy 247 forum

Help with Alcoholism

Possible Alcoholism Causes


Effects of Alcoholism


Try these Solutions to Alcoholism

  • Group therapy
  • Psychotherapy

Get Help with Alcoholism in our Message Board

Help with Depression

Deep-seated unhappiness accompanied by feeling helpless, worthless and unable to cope. May be a result of traumatic life events like divorce or bereavement.

Causes of Depression

Depression may be caused by stressful events in your life, such as divorce, illness or bereavement. Drinking too much alcohol or using non-prescription drugs can also trigger depression, as can a genetic predisposition to it, or sudden changes in hormone levels. Sometimes there is no obvious cause.

Effect of Depression

If you are depressed you will have a persistent low mood that is not lifted by doing the things you used to enjoy. You may feel hopeless, helpless, tearful and irritable, and anxious about the future. You may lose or gain weight, suffer from aches and pains, and lose interest in sex. Some people with depression find it impossible to make decisions, and may even harm themselves or contemplate suicide.

Depression Solutions

It is important to see your doctor if you think you are depressed, as some people need antidepressant medications to help them recover. However, depression is a common problem and there are lots of things you can do to help yourself:

  • Talk about your feelings to someone else
  • Exercise regularly. It releases ‘feel-good’ chemicals in your brain
  • Eat a varied, healthy diet to make sure you get enough nutrients
  • Self-help books
  • Computerised Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
  • Interpersonal therapy
  • Counselling

Get Help With Depression in Our Forum

Dealing with Panic Attacks



  • Avoiding exposure to unnecessary stress helps to managing these attacks.


Get Help Dealing with Panic Attacks

Dealing with Anger

Anger is a destructive state of mind which reacts to objects or situations in a negative way. In such situations, all the qualities of a person or an object seem unattractive and useless.This situation may be exaggerated to an extent where you build a negative or unpleasant image of the person or object that starts irritating you. In such conditions, you may even harm or criticize the faulty person. This is a very harmful situation which can cause many losses. This situation has no positive effects and only negative effects are there.

To avoid such situations, it is very important to watch the thoughts in your mind so that you may learn the cause and the origin of negative thoughts. Most of the time, anger arises due to health problems,alcohol or drug intake, family problems, financial problems, stress or social issues. You cannot always control these situations, but you can surely keep your mind calm to avoid a destructive situation like anger.

You can learn to control your anger and calm your mind by following a few anger management techniques. These techniques are well-tested on various patients and hence are quite reliable.

These are some of the negative effects of anger:

1. Anger may cause high stress, injury, high blood pressure and high pulse rate. These kinds of situations may lead to heart attack, stroke or even brain hemorrhage.

2. Anger may also result in various emotional swings like feelings of extreme guilt, hopelessness, anxiety and in acute cases, even suicide.

Anger is known to be an intense emotion and it is generally not an easy task to overcome this problem. However, with determined dedication and honest commitment you can help yourself to some extent. Sometimes, you may even need assistance and support of others. Below are some steps that may aid you in getting rid of this strong emotion.

You should be determined about your decision and have a strong will to free yourself from feelings of anger.

Try to be calm and do not jump to conclusions. In addition to this, you should always think before you react to a situation. Be expressive about your feelings. If there is something that you do not like, then you should communicate with others about it. Anger management is a gradual process, so you should not expect a change in yourself overnight. Every day, you should do things that relax your mind and body and keep yourself away from any stressful situations.

Anger management requires full dedication and determination. You also need to be patient about your recovery as it takes a lot of time to overcome anger and have a relaxed mind even in stressful conditions.

Get help dealing with anger and rage