Saturday, September 29, 2007

roach science

Do you ever feel deep frustration when in the morning, as you arrive to work, you start feeling completely lost, unable to concentrate even on simplest tasks, and generally completely out of sorts? However, once you arrive home after the tedious work day, all over sudden everything seems to fall into places: your memory becomes sharper than cheddar (oh, if only your boss could see you now), your reaction becomes like that of a rattle snake (but please don't forget to wipe that drool streak off your chin), and your IQ increases by 100%, almost dipping into triple digits. Annoying, isn't it? Well, do not feel perturbed or left out, as you are not alone in feeling this way. So do roaches. As it turns out, studies performed at a Cocroach University of TN (actually called Vanderbilt University, but CU has a better ring to it), showed that roaches are just not morning individuals. Apparently, a roach IQ, which on a scale of IQ's sits between that of a mealworm and a member of, is lower in the morning than in the afternoon. Series of intense 2 year long research studies that involved sugar water with peppermint shone light onto cocroach learning patterns, something that we previously could only spend sleepless nights pondering on. One still must have some questions about this research, however. What did the research lab look like? Did it have rows and rows of antique oak bookshelves filled with works of Proust, Kant, and Shakespeare? Did the roaches sit in roomy armchairs in the light of green table lamps while smoking Cubans, pondering on questions of existentialism, and sipping on peppermint water? Did the scientists who perform this research develop an obsession with all things roach, purchasing cocroach related memorabilia such as Elvis-the King of Roach and Roll figurines and posters of Papa Roach? Would would Cornelius Vanderbilt have said if he knew that his name would be forever associated with roaches? And finally, where do I apply for a job like this and who is the lucky guy who gets to spend his time around those wonderful creatures? Move over Marie Curie and Al Einstein, because here comes Terry Page, the man behind the roach. He is the who discovered the wonders of a cocroach mind and the ways our six legged friends learn. He was the one to find that hidden link between a bizarre morning learning deficiency and the fact that roaches were resisting to be trained to drink the peppermint water at that time of day. Finally, he is the one to claim that a roach is the key to the human mind (I bet all the hippy readers would agree with that statement). So maybe next time you raise your rolled up newspaper in attempts to eliminate that pesky creature and flush his lifeless partially flattened body into the toilet, you will think of that unspoken connection and let him go enjoy his peppermint water because chances are, he is as frustrated as you are.

Friday, September 28, 2007












